We Might Be Drunk - Ep 257: Fiona Cauley

Episode Date: November 3, 2025

Fiona Cauley joins Mark and Sam for a wild one — from Vegas hangovers and bad hecklers to the real talk about living with Friedreich’s Ataxia, hitting the road, and crushing Kill Tony. They get into Charlie Sheen’s crack-fueled charm, awkward sex-club stories, and Fiona’s unreal crowd-work moment that connected her with a gene-therapy exec who might actually help cure her disease. Dark jokes, big laughs, and plenty of heart in this one. Sponsored by: Go to https://Lucy.co/DRUNK and use promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order. Go to https://quince.com/drunk for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/DRUNK. Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/ticketsMark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets — Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #FionaCauley #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #BodegaCatWhiskey #Lucy #Quince #Hims #GothamProductionStudios Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, we're here. We're back. We might be drunk. Yo, yo. What's up, dude? Oh, boy, a long day, but hey, we're here, we're queer. What do you have? I had a pot earlier, the baby. I'm teaching him how to swim. Really? So I got to get up early and get him to the Y. He's loving it.

You're not going to be able to case the anthem now, whatever. I'm trying to Whitney Houston him. Yeah, Jesus. no dice that's you're taking the baby to the why that's so new york i love that oh yeah it's just me and a couple indian ladies just flashing away dude uh yeah shit i i we rescheduled this because i was sick as fuck i i wasn't even like you ever sick in vegas no i get sick after Vegas i it sucks to be sick in Vegas because i'm at the venetian you're like it's not it's just every step is a reminder that everyone is like having fun except you yes and i'm trying to like

be ready for the show. It still did the show, obviously, but I'm walking around. I'm like, maybe at the food court there's like a ramen place. I'm going to like blast this out of me, you know? But then you're like, you're looking around. You're like, where the fuck am I?

Because these casinos are designed to make you lost. That's true. No windows, no clocks. Nothing. So like, you're so fucked up. And you're like, I don't have my senses from the, you know, cold quite as high. And then you're like, I can play some blackjack.

Nah. I'm like, fuck, I'm sick at a table. Like, yeah, fuck, give me another hand. Oh, that's great. But it's like, it's also like, it's crazy everyone in Vegas, because they don't live there, but like everyone in Vegas is kind of a little heavy. Sure. Unless they're the, you know, the hot people, but like the local is kind of heavy, but a lot of walking in those hotels.

That's true. You feel it when your legs are dragging you down from a little cold action. That's true. Yeah, you get the fattest people in the world and the hottest people in one place. I never thought about that. I'll tell you another thing I noticed in the Walgreens, the, uh, the condoms are locked up and the meds are not. That says everything about Vegas Yes

Well I mean it's like hey I couldn't wear a condom They're locked up But I can take my Valium It's fucking crazy Yeah But Vegas It's not for me

I get it It's cool Yeah it's fun That thing is I love it for like two nights a year Yeah exactly That's why it sucked to be sick For my trip this year Exactly

Because for two nights You're like yeah it's fun It's great Oh yeah I mean the hangover nailed it Swingers nailed it but uh yes it i guess i think growing up in new orleans like those party towns i'm like ah get me out of here but new orleans is a party town with more culture definitely there's

some cool culture in in Vegas like in the history but not like the cold like the history not culture the rat pack oh like the bugsy seagull shit the flamingo like still there like that shit's cool to me like yeah the old-timey uh like him just owing everybody money him like selling off like four he's like you own 400% of the flamingo to some gang They fucking whacked him. My dad always says Vegas, when the mob ran it, was better. That's what they all say. Sure, not good for it.

Bugs, you don't fuck up. Yeah, exactly. You're counting cards, you don't. You're like, I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the Jewish mob, too. Really? Well, yeah, Bugsie, Ben Siegel.

Oh, yeah. Meyer Lansky, Jew. Ah. They were boys. They grew up together in New York. Wow. And then Meyer Lansky, like, he didn't want him to get killed, but it's like a certain point when the whole fucking,

when everyone's like, this guy's a liability, they kill. Yeah, you get a Mo Green. Shoot him in the eye. Mo Green, that's a good death. Oh, yeah. It's all fucking Pacino's eyes, just staring at them. I know, I know. Great shot.

Yeah, I got the IV, the whole shebang. Whoa. So did you link up with Noah? Yeah, yeah. Did you have a lunch or a set? I was in my room just trying to sleep it off, but, no, we hung before and after the show. That's one thing about Vegas. You do the casino?

They treat you good. That room is insane. Insane. There was an elliptical in my room. Oh, my God. I was like, this must have been the shit in, like, 1989. Fucking, some fucking, Dean Martin on the fucking thing with a cigarette in his mouth.

Yeah, Vegas is great, but it's always a little dated. You know, you're like, huh, big screen TV that's sitting on the floor. It's like those TVs that, like, enter out of the fucking table, and you're like, damn, this was like architectural digest 91. I know, and good luck finding a USB in a Vegas hotel. No, that's a pump. They have all USBs. And I'm like, no one has this charger anymore.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's always a little behind. One behind. One behind. Yeah. But, uh, you know, it is great and it's like, you know, you're walking around. You're like, money, you're like, oh, yeah, money is nothing to people here. No, no.

It's such a, I hear tourism is down there. Yeah. But, uh, it is one of those things we're walking around. You're like, oh, yeah, it's like $8 for a fuck. I got like a liquid IV pack and they're like $8. I'm like, yeah, that makes sense. I know. You're like, sure.

Why not? You're basically living in an airport. Everything is like three times the price. Not only that, but the Walgreens is basically a liquor store. Yeah. It's supposed to be like a farm. It's supposed to have stuff for, like, health, but it's literally all just, like, oh, like, Seagram's fucking Jack, Jim Beam. Well, I did Parks Casino in Ben Salem, PA, not bragging.

Yeah. And the guy goes, hey, if you guys want to go to dinner after, let me know, I got you. So I was like, great. So me and my opener went to dinner, I get the bill. It's like, 500 bucks. I was like, what the hell? I thought he said, he's like, I made a reservation for it. Gotcha.

He got me. But in Vegas, I actually did have a credit. So that was nice. The credit's nice. Although you're also like you never know how much. I know. I wonder if it's heard in Vegas that casinos are just everywhere now. Oh, of course.

It used to be kind of special. You know, we'll go to Vegas. Yes. Still the bright lights. The strip is still kind of cool. And then you're like Reno's like the fucking, you know, messed up cousin. Sure. I would say casinos everywhere and your phone.

You got gambling in your pocket. That's true. It's a sports book. You used to be like, oh, my God, I can bet on the ponies. I got a UFC fight. I got a football game. And now it's like all draft kicks. You used to have a guy.

You used to have a guy. I'm going to call my guy. Yes, and he would break your legs. That was Sopranos. Wabistics, you have the sports book. Yeah, right. Now it's like, yeah, I literally, that's how I bet. Yeah.

On my phone. Everything, it's like Netflix. It all came to our house. Everything fucking Uber eats. It's all at home now. You don't have to go out. And more isolated. You're right.

I know, Amazon. You used to have to go get, oh, we're out of cat food. Now you just, boop, boop. You go to a movie now. You feel like you're going to the library. I feel like you're like contributing to the library. you know the culture i know and i'll jerk off it either but yeah it's true it's all at the house it's no wonder kids aren't meeting up yeah but uh weird times but yeah it's got through it got through

the flight back you're like once you land you're like thank god i know i can just i can just crash out but that flight's no joke either you're like oh i don't fly back you're like ah five hours and 44 minutes the flight back's not bad the flight there it's like it's always longer going to the west coast it's It's like five and a half hours. I was like, I thought it was just like L.A. I know, but you gain time at least. You gain time. But when you come back, you're like, ah, I lost three hours.

Oh, yeah, you leave at 11 a.m. You're like, you land to like nine and nine. It's crazy. Oh, oh, oh, she here? Oh, boy. Well, these people show up early, if you know what I mean. Got to get parking. Yeah, I was in Huntsville and Hattiesburg.

Damn, all right. Are they close? Not really. About a six hour, five hour drive. You drove? We drove and split it up, slept in Birmingham, then drove three hours that next day. That makes sense. That's the way to do it. Yeah, but boy, these rooting... Your agent didn't do you any favors with that rowdy. That's crazy. I know. There's just not much down there. That Alabama, Mississippi, it's tough marketing. Yeah. Or tough markets. And whoof, man, we got heckled. We got... Really? Yee-ha!

I was tap dancing up there. My parents came out to the show. It was brutal. Really? Oh, yeah. It was a long weekend. What did they think of the show? Well, my friend, all my retard college friends showed up as well. So I told my friend, I was like, keep an eye on my parents.

Let me know what they laugh at. Just keep an eye on them. And he goes, you got it. Your mom loved the fisting material. Weird. I see him after the show. I go, so give it to me. What would they laugh at?

He goes, they didn't laugh once. And then I did a Charlie Kirk joke. My dad, all he said was, oh, boy. That was it. That was the only reaction I got out of them, the whole show. So good times. Yeah, I one time I had my therapist. When I did the beacon, my therapist sat behind my mom.

And I was like, give me the scoop. Yes. Of course he did. He was like, yeah, she did not love the facial chunk. And I was like, well, it was a story. It's a story. Story. Also, therapist behind the mom at your show is like, that's a session in itself.

He could learn a lot there. Oh, yeah. What she laughs at, what she hates, what she likes. How was Hattiesburg? Well, we did Huntsville, that was rough. Yeah. And then we did Hattiesburg. Huntsville is the Von Braun.

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, the museum there. Yeah, the Nazi. Yeah. It's the weirdest mishmash of good old boys, kind of ghetto black, and autistic NASA people. Well, all these great engineers, right? Exactly. Good cost of living down there.

Very cheap. They have a pop a shot at the Von Rahn Museum. That's how you know they're like, these people don't like museums. Yeah. They're like throwing a basketball game, old fucker. Let's get some Pac-Man in here, too. Right. It's like those startups that throw a foosball table in.

You're like, this is still a job. What are we doing here? So, yeah, so Huntsville, they came to Huntsville. They came to Hattiesburg because it's two hours from New Orleans. Where is Hattiesburg? Mississippi. That's right. Holy shit.

I don't think I've ever performed in Mississippi. Oh, really? I don't think. I'd love to. I just haven't done it. Well, I saw George Carlin and Biloxi when I was a kid. I remember this. And oh, man, did he get heck.

He fucking yelled at everybody. and I was like, this is so embarrassed. I remember he being embarrassed for the South because I'm a southerner. So I was like, we got George Carlin here and he died like a, you know, a little later. Brutal. He was like, you fucking cuntz, I,

you toothless, jac, yokel pieces of shit. I was like, damn. And that's the only time I saw him perform. Damn, yeah, I never got to see him. Yeah, yeah. Such a legend, man. I know, but that's how I felt up there. Yeah.

I want to chew out my parents. You're not laughing at. Shit, you fucking ruin. Were you getting heckled or were they just kind of tight? Huntsville heckled like crazy. And then I think Mississippi, you know, I got... What are they heckling? They're just yelling shit like, boob, bha, bap, blip.

Yeah. You know, fuck up, hey, you blow me. You know, shit like that. I had to throw one guy out. I mean, it got bad. It's crazy when you have to throw someone out. Like, I was in the comedy store in L.A. And this lady just wouldn't stop.

And I'm pretty nice. Like, I don't want to throw anyone out because I'm like, ah, you know, they may be that. dumb that they don't realize. I was just like, hey, you know, let's try without that. You know, I was being pretty cool. And afterwards, everyone was like, you were way too nice to that late. The point they just threw out there.

They're like, this is crap. But I was like, I was like, lady, you know. Why don't you fuck up like eight bits in a row? Yes. Because you're ruining the show for everybody. Exactly. But, yeah, she was like just a pissed drunk older lady. With her friend who, yeah, it's like, come on.

That's the thing. So one guy just wouldn't stop. We had to throw him out. We get a DM later while we're on the highway. And they're like, that guy who wouldn't shut up at the show, he's in a headlock at a bar where the bouncer's like tasing him. That is satisfying. It was very sad. He was just blacked out the whole night.

So who are these guys getting blacked out for a comedy show? Like, oh, I'm going to listen to this guy talk about Uber and get trashed. People that don't know how to drink. Yeah. Because they're going out. They want to pregame. Like you remember that age when you're like, we're going to pregame. But there's always that one friend who couldn't fucking the duck Phillips of the group.

The guy you can't handle the fucking booze. I've been that guy. I've been that guy too. But like at a certain age, you got to, it's hopefully a young guy. Right. When I see an older person, I'm like, you're 57 and he don't know how to drink? You didn't get the science down at this point? I know.

There's nothing sadder than that. Because it's like, you know, when it's a young guy, you're like, all right, he's still kind of figuring it out. Yeah. When I see a fucking tray of Long Island iced teas, I'm like, pick a fucking real spirit like an adult. Yes. No real drink or drinks that shit. No, the shots guy. I'm like, dude, it's 430.

You're doing shots? But enough about DeRosa. Jesus Christ. The shots guy at every fucking... I'm just about DeRosa a million times, but he's like, he looks forward to a funeral so you can't back out. To Charlie. Right. But the shots guy, come on.

Like, I'm trying, I'm in it for the night. Yeah. So I'm trying to pace myself. I like, like, you know... I like going out just getting fucking sauce and, you know, downtown. But I want to, like, you know... Ride it out a little. Ride it out.

I have a cocktail, then maybe like a straight whiskey, then maybe a beer. mix it up and maybe remember it in the morning you know you don't want to wake up with your asshole bleeding on the sidewalk you're like oh was that fun your wallet's gone the whole asshole bleeding on the sidewalk i'm gonna say no it wasn't fun wasn't a good night i don't know sheen flipped dude did you watch that yeah it's incredible it's incredible you know what's amazing about that documentary is the the scene where he and his dad beat michael jordan yeah two on one how crazy is that and you're like dude if if you were doing crack with charlie sheen and he told you that story you'd be Like, shut the fuck up.

But they have the footage. That's great. Like, yeah, dude, you beat Michael Jordan with Martin Sheen. Yeah. Smoke some more of this shit. Right. Yeah. The fucking Martin Sheen deserves a good medal of honor.

Except for the fact that they were doing nudity in the house. Eh, I'll let it slide. Dude, I think. My dad did that. Your dad did that? Yeah, well, he would sleep nude. That's different. I don't want to go in the kitchen and see my dad's hog.

Sure. If I'm going in for candelope, I don't want to. to see a fucking cucumber you know what i mean no it's fucking disgusting i i i think parents that practice nudity it is like a just under child abuse to me it's fucking weird it's definitely scarring you shouldn't have to see your parents naked i could pick my dad's cock out of a lineup in a second i could too which is weird yeah crazy balls on him too but charlie sheen's got like a horseshoe up he's got like a magic to him like he hit that home run right outside of rehab i know i love his friends like it was like a movie i'm like what movie

What movie, the guy just comes out of rehab and hits a home run in a meaningless game? And you're like, and seen. Yeah, yeah. But then the big drug dealer fat guy was like, I've never seen a guy do that much crack in my life. He should be dead. That was insane. So he's got something. Not only that, but he fucking, the guy's like bragging that he weaned him off the drugs.

So you just took his money and sold him shittier diluted drugs. I didn't even think about that. And he took the same money. And he acted like a hero. Meanwhile, this guy's living in a nice home. And he clearly only had one. client. Charlie Sheen bought you that fucking home.

That's true. That's true. But he got him off. So that was the only way to do it. I mean, look, it is good that he's still alive. But holy shit. Like those lives, like those nights. Oh my God.

Him and Nicholas Cage must have been quite the duo too. Yeah. But just him on the tea when he's doing the tea and he's working out showing his hat. I mean, it was a psycho shit. It's like crazy to see a guy who's that drugged up and you're like, he's got a better body than me. I know. He looked amazing. This guy's ripped.

And how about Denise Richards walking in on the hookers and she's like, I'll make sandwiches. She's a saint. She's a saint. Oh, my God. And I had the biggest crush on her growing up. I thought she was like the hottest woman ever. So cute. Wild things.

Oh, yeah. Great body. Look at that. My God. So beautiful. For some reason, though, like she has like an accent now. Do you notice that? Yeah.

She got a little white trashy. She got a little Italian. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. But she made sandwiches for a hooker. I'll marry her. Dude, that was insane. I was like, how bad must you feel?

Because, like, think about how much we feel like shit after, like, coming off, you know, a hangover. And we don't even do bad shit. You just feel shame that you're this age and you do this to your body. Think about the shame come down. Your wife shows up, man, that scene. She was so fucking hot. Jesus. Burn into my brain.

But that shame come down where you're like, she's making the women I just banged sandwiches. I know. She's that cool. And I blew it. I blew it. Yeah. And that hot. And that young.

Amazing. And then she had the nerve to. be like they weren't great sandwiches okay I'm like you're fine I need to find a woman like this you're off the hook you think the hookers are like Peabee and Jay come on get it together

elmins fuck you yeah yeah did she ever get naked in a movie yeah wild things dude well pull that up I can't wild things what else oh my god

she's naked and other stuff too I think so much hotter than Nev Campbell who's also not bad Nev Campbell's hot too though dude sure she just wasn't as hot in that movie They made her look weird in that movie, but dude, she's super hot and, like, scream. Oh, that's true. That's true.

Oh, my God. Are those real? Yeah, I don't know. It's got to be weird to be Charlie Sheen and see that Matt Dillon scene. Well, they weren't together yet at that point, were they? Probably not. Probably not. But it's weird to be with someone and there's just footage of that.

It's like, we all can imagine our ex-fucking someone else. Sure. That's all I think about. But rarely do we have the footage. Yeah, yeah, that's true. what's that Not really What that was like a PG-13 movie

Yeah but it's like that it's not We sound like real fucking losers right now Like technically it wasn't nudity Sam intern for Mr. Skin In 98 Undercover brother kind of underrated Sure good movie Funny ass movie Eddie Griffin Shappelle

Yeah Neil Patrick Harris Right That's a low key funny movie By the way Mr. Skin He's like a horse saddle maker you know he's like man back in my day i made a lot of money and then i got you know technology came in and pushed me out oh holy shit wow what are we doing here i'm like my dick

yeah look at the the the champagne on the titties oh my god all right all right we can only really do that in a hotel room you don't want to make a mess of your own home good point yeah that movie if we watch wild things it doesn't make a ton of sense it's kind of just a fun trash you know bill murray bill murray's randomly in it and it is weird to mix your jacking and then like a comedian shows up. I didn't sign up for this. Right. Not Woody Harrelson.

Kevin Bacon. Yeah, you see a little Kevin Bacon hog in that. Decent hog on bacon. Yeah, not bad for Kira Sedgwick. Well done. Good job. Can we get Kevin Bacon on here? I feel like that guy's got stories and he feels like it'd be a fun hang.

I love that. Oh. Everyone's got a band. I know. Dog Star. That's a Kianu. Man, I love, yeah, I would love to get Kevin Bacon on here. Love Kevin.

What a career. What a career. Cut loose. Kick off your Sunday's shoes. Yeah, he's six degrees. I'm Kevin Bacon. I wonder if there's like a new guy that is now because that was like, I feel like that was like a long time. Yeah, that's true.

We need a new six degree. Probably going to be Pedro Pascal. Jude Law. I feel like he's in something with everyone. Yeah, sure. I don't know. There he is. Boyle.

boy um was he in the band with uh bill from bill and ted oh got it yeah dude no that sheen thing was it was it was stressing me out it stresses me out to see someone do that to themselves even though you know that he's alive he pulled it off it's also crazy that that part where he goes i was relieved it was HIV i know because he was doing that much damage to his body that he just assumed it was like cancer or something and he's like people can live on HIV and i'm like that it's so fucked up to be grateful that it's that. I know. Also, people are suing him because they're like, you fuck me without

a condom, you piece of shit. And we still like him. Like, can you imagine giving someone HIV? We're like, yeah, but he's awesome. They omitted it a lot. They omitted a lot. And, and I mean, he's laughing. He's surviving. It's also crazy talking about just like getting blown by this woman while smoking crack

your first time. Yeah. And then he's like, she died. And you're like, that's fucking crazy. Like, it's just like a casual thing. It's like, yeah, you hate to see that. like yeah dude like true what the fuck yeah that's what that's drug addict stories right there totally he's just so damn charming he's charming he's so charming yeah just when you want to get mad at him you're like hatchats part dukes pretty good pretty good yeah and then he would walk on the set of a two and a half man and they're all like oh here comes a cokehead crackhead charlie and he's like hey i brought

donuts and i like he's all right he would he would fucking yeah because you hear john cryer talking about I'm like, you know, look, people have many sides to them. Sure. But I would be pretty fucking annoyed if my livelihood depended on a dude who was that fucking damaged. Of course. It's also his dad and brother don't want to be in the dock. I know.

That does say, well, they're like, we've had enough. And how about the wedding speech at the second wedding with his dad? He goes, hope you know what you're doing. Wow. I bet I got a huge laugh. I'm sure it did, yeah. Damn. That woman was nutty.

You could see it in her eyes. She's a drug addict. Yeah. I mean... She looked rough. You could see. I mean, those old pictures are holy shit. Oh, she's a beautiful lady, but you could just tell, even from the footage on the interview, you're like, this gal's off.

You don't get out of her relationship with Charlie unscathed. No, no. You leave and, you know. I remember he was sober for years, and he found her doing Coke in a bathroom and he goes, let me show you how to not waste it. Or he said something like that, and then he was back on the wagon. Something cheesy. I pick women who aren't doing... I know.

That's all the story tells a story where he goes to like, me and C. Thomas Howell are both dating this woman. I'm like, all right. It's like fucking hilarious. There's always like a connection of someone from the 80s. Right, right. Me and Rob Lowe are both banging this chick. But then he shows up and she's at like a scary dealer's plate. He goes and gets a gun out of his trunk.

I'm like, this isn't a fucking movie, dude. I know, I know, but that's she and he pulled everything off. He did stick to landing minus the HIV. And he was so charming that they would be like, what about the HIV? Ah, I got through that. What about when they said you raped Cory Haim? He's like, silly. What else you got?

Like, he just kept, he was slipping it. Did he rape Corey Haim? That was a big rumor. Jesus. He was slipping it like Bush with the shoe. Remember the shoe? He bobbing weed? Yeah.

Charlie Sheen, man. What a fucking life. What a life and he ain't done yet. There you go. It was a big loss. Yeah, I hope he gets like a cool role. But that, yeah, they did gloss over the fact that he probably gave some women HIV. Oh, yeah.

Man, what a badass. What does he do now? Like, how do you, how do you, how do you, can you fuck people when you have HIV or do you, what do you do? Oh, yeah. You're so confident. Pretty sure, yeah. But what's it, can we look that up? I don't know how the, how that works.

He just did Bill Maher and Bill Maher's like, so you fucked a couple of guys. And he was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, no penetration. Yeah, yeah, I heard that. Yeah. I love this line about, like, you've done everything on the menu at some point you turn the menu. Yeah, that was great. That guy has lived nine lives. Yeah, definitely.

Condoms? So you can't. And this is going to sound naive, but, like, you can't transmit it through, like, making out or oral sex? Bottle milk. Oh, so, wait, bodily fluid, blood, semen. Yeah, so white wine needles can do it. But bodily fluid could be a makeout. That's what I'm saying.

Are we naive here? I don't know. Yeah. Also. What's the difference in HIV and AIDS, by the way? Well, AIDS is full-blown, right? HIV is, I think, treatable. Oh.

Okay. There we go. Give me a full-on... Yeah, AIDS is the most advanced. It's like before you... Oh, got it. Yeah. So it's like remission with cancer?

Eh. No, not remission is you're good. HIV, you still have it. Oh, I thought it was in remission. Like you have it, but it's like taking a breather. I think in remission means that it's like you're on your way back. Oh, great. Okay.

All right. By the way, you ever thought about getting your prostate checked? By a doctor or not a woman? Yes. Milk it. Well, I got a, I used to, I could hold my pissing because I was a bedwitter. So I learned how to hold my pee in for like hours. And now when I got a pee, I got to pee, I got to pee.

Dude, I think when I was in Vegas, I think I woke up every hour for like, I slept for like 12 hours at night because I was just trying to shake it. Yeah. If I got in a day early, I'm like, let me just fucking try to sleep it off. I woke up every fucking hour to piss. That's insane. That's also, I think, part of just being sick and your body trying to shed shit. They're drinking fluids. But I was like, God damn, this sucks.

That's a lot. Yeah, I, we're getting older, man. Yeah, well, I remember Malaney had that old bit where he called, he wanted to get free pills. So he called the doctor, and he said, I'm peeing a lot. And the doctor said, how many times a day? And he tried to say a crazy number to get the pills, but not too crazy. So he said 11. And the doctor was like, oh, that's insane.

You've got to come in. Really? Yeah, I just remember that from the joke. Is 11 crazy? Apparently. I feel like I pee easily 11. Don't you? I don't know.

I think maybe like 7. 4 to 10 is normal. Okay. So 11's not crazy. All right. I drink a lot of water, too, though. And we drink booze. And we drink booze.

And we drink booze and coffee. Yeah. And it's a diuretic. Yeah, I mean. Hmm. All right. Well, call in if you know. Because we should get a doctor on here at some point.

We should get a doctor. Is he a real doctor? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Nice. I would have Drew on. Yeah, that'd be cool. Yeah, we could just use him to get, you know, evaluated.

Like, what's this on my dick? because it's too much pissed my dick too small Can you write us a prescription? Yeah, yeah, can you get me Xanax? God, I'll tell you, I, I, prescriptions, man. It's fucking, it's a racket, man. Oh, yeah.

Out of shit. I know. And then you call a CVS and they're just like, you're not getting them on the phone. No. You got to go in person. You got to do these mom and pop pharmacies. I guess so, yeah.

But then they were like, we don't have that. And you're like, fuck. Right, right. Yeah, they're like priests where they just send you to another place. Yeah. Go to this CVS. They might have it in the Bronx.

You're like, God, man. Oh, my God, I know you've got to go on a fucking event. The new Harold and Kumar is going to be just us trying to get Adderall. Well, my friend has an app on his phone called something, something, and you just go, hey, I got a UTI, and they go, okay, we'll send you this in the mail. I'll be there in two days. Yeah, but you can't do that for controlled substances. And that's the good stuff. That's true.

Like, so you can't do antibiotics or something? I don't know about antibiotics. No, probably antibiotics you could do, maybe. Antibiotics are you should be able to get easily. But then if it's like, you know, like muscle relax or like Adderall or something like that. Sure, sure. Something that could be abused. Yeah, this is like a gonorrhea scare or something.

You hit the app. Yeah. Take control of cold sores. What a sad fucking. You have one you're like, I'm in control now. Damn, my dude. All right, well, should you urinate and then we, and I can use a cocktail. Yeah, let's do a drink.

All right. Let's take a break and we'll be back with our guest. Quick break. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Hey, folks, we're here with Fiat. Everybody, out of the chair on the couch. Good to see again. We met at Kiltony. Yeah. You killed it.

That was awesome. That go. Yeah. I fucking, I met you before Gildoni. We met in the back of like an upholstery store. Yeah. We didn't tell in Chattanooga. Knoxville.

Close. Yeah. Knoxville. And you were, you were just a comic. Yeah. You know, and I was like, who's this? I was a fucking welfare gift. Knoxville's kind of an underrated comedy city

They don't have a club So if you're not doing theaters, did they? Yeah, side splitters was there back in the minute Oh shit But it closed down But yeah, there's a theater there that's like gorgeous It's like one of the best I think Dusty Slay did it think of it.

Yeah, yeah It's like beautiful. Tennessee's good for comedy all around Well Memphis is a tough market Yeah It's hard to sell tickets but the people that come out are good That's true Yeah, that's true

But you're from Texas originally No, I'm from Nashville Like Franklin. Sure. Okay. So you're a Tennessee gal. Yeah. How y'all doing?

Well, it seems like everyone in Tennessee is not from there now. I know. Yeah. It's true. I just can't get far. You're running out of battery every time. Everything about going Amish? Thank you.

Would you said it? I'm so sorry. I'm not good at that. Cogica sodas with lime, this is your drink. Yeah. I like it. Skinny girl drink, I like it. I like it too.

Best hangover. Cheers, folks. Or at least hangover. Coming to you. Thank you. You want a straw? I would love us. Oh, you have a straw?

Thank you. I have an old one. Old one? For the blow? It's real short, but it'll work. I've heard that before. He's trying a bodega for the first time. Oh, what do you think?

It's not bad. Thank you. Hey, thank you. Is that bourbon or whiskey? It will give you a bottle if we haven't. I'm sure we have an extra bottle. We're trying. We're trying to get it there.

We're trying to get everywhere. I think Tennessee, Kentucky like, hard to. Yes. Yeah, yeah, hard to burn. A lot of red tape. It's all mob run. It's weird like the states, the rules the states have where you're like, you know, if you can get a gun easily, porn.

is going to be a problem. Right. You know, like, you know, abortion's going to be a problem. Yeah. You never get full freedom in a state. No. It's funny when abortion's a problem, but you can get guns easy. Right.

We'll kill you later. Yeah, yeah. Just let him cut it. There we go. Give her the big one. Look at that. Oh, thank you. Yeah.

That fancy. Yes. What is that? Is that like a heroin tie? What is that thing? We got it from the set of train spotting. Yeah. There you go.

Yeah, what it felt like? Love it. Is that going to be low, high enough? I'm going to struggle for a minute and then I'll drink it down and it'll be fine. Also, you could be a gentleman and hold it up for her. I guess, but. That is. This feels like I'm enabling.

Good sip, good sip. Sweet. All right. Now, how do you know when you're trashed? You sound the same. I losey. I let other people tell me. There you go.

So my parents, I saw my parents this weekend, and they're getting old, and the driving is a little scary with them. So they drove all the way to see me two hours, and I said, I'm driving back, and my dad was like, yeah, but you had a couple cocktails, I saw it, and I said, me drunk is still safer than you driving on the road, and we got to this big... Yeah, we can't tell that to a cop. That's true, that's true. Old beats drunk to a cop.

You mean drunk meets old? No, to a cop, you can't be drunk. Old meat, yeah. Oh, I see. Well, I still say, if me and my dad did a, if I got four cocktails deep, I could drive better than my dad. Dude, I just added Matt to my car insurance.

The hubby? And it went down. Oh, because he's a guy? Yeah, and he, like, walks and so. That's fun. Can't really call sexism when we got the numbers on our side. How does the driving work with you? I have hand controls, so it's a lot like driving a boat.

I might need that. I'm a fucking bad driver. It's real nice. See, my, like, I'm not paralyzed, you know, but, like, the issue is all my propeoceptive nerves are dead or dying, and what that is, is, like, when you're driving, I can't see my feet. And if I can't see them, I don't know where they are. It's crazy.

So I'm like, I used to drive with my feet and a flashlight and, like, look for the brain. Wow. So is that what they look like? Those little levers and police? More or less. Or it's more flippers on the wheel. It's literally like this fourth photo is what I have. Oh, cool.

I wonder if Brad Williams does that. Because I don't think he can reach the accelerator. They do extended pedals. I don't know about all disabilities. This sounds crazy. You don't mean to treat you like ass jeeves for this show. If you get three questions for it, I'll give you a handicap park mask. Oh, man.

You can use that. How do you feel about someone if you're like going to a movie theater and someone's like taking the handicap seat? What's the? I don't really go to a movie. anymore. They did it this weekend. I do get weird about parking spots.

That pisses me off. Sure. Yeah. And then the handicapped stall. That's a big one. Yeah. Like when there's no other ones open, go ahead. But if the rest are open and you choose that one, I'm going to sit out there

and wait for you. It's a dick move. Make you feel bad. Stare at them. Yeah, it's real fun. Vaping. in their days. Yeah. Dude, I did that on the road. I was talking back from, like, Rhode Islanders on me.

And I'm at a gas station, ladies doing this. I'm sitting outside the stall. She opens it. Oh, my God, my mom was in a wheelchair. And I was like, cool. Get out of my weight place. And she tried to follow me into the stall because she was like, I'll help you.

And I'm like, you're going to wipe my ass? Like, what are we doing? What you're doing? Overcompensating. Yeah. Oh, bad. Damn. You should have made her wipe your ass.

Fuck it. That's a good point. Yeah, wow. I did have a handicap pass in high school. We stole one. So, sorry. But I was a kid. Yeah.

Would you do it now? Sure. Well, if I saw you pull up, I would get out. Anthony DeVito, when he used to drive us to road gigs, had the handicapped thing in his car. Remember that? Yeah. Because of his mom.

Yep. And he used it. You got to use it. He did use it. Now, some people are like, I'm dyslexic, so they have a handicap pad. That's crazy. There's no, like, degrees, which is kind of crazy. No, that's a weird part.

I thought, like, getting a handicap pass is, like, the last step of, like, diagnosis or whatever the fuck. I got diagnosed at 18, and I got gaslight, but I was grounded for faking it. It was old. What? What? believe you? My, yeah. My sister had health issues, so they were like, you just want to be like her. So I had to take myself to all these doctors appointments. I was doing it secretly because my mom wouldn't help me and I was 18. What? Do they feel horrible now? Oh, my, well, I don't talk

to my dad, but like my mom feels real bad. What happened with your dad? Um, kind of a classic bad dad. He didn't beat us. It wasn't like that. He just didn't care. You know? Neglect. Yeah. He's very funny though. Bad people are funny. Yeah, that's true. Look at Cosby.

Great comic. That was a real hogrus. He was like, you need a drink. That was the most Cosby thing ever do. Here, drink up. Have some more. He looked thirsty. God, the roofie would be wasted on me. They can take one out They're like

Yeah Yeah Yeah She's just a little elbow Groovy Um Sorry No but I go in

I still am not diagnosed With anything I go into the neurologist I just walk in But I'm wobbly Yeah And they immediately Had to be a handicap

Parking Bath And I was like What? And it said permanently Disabled on it And that like I was like We don't know.

You know. Yeah. So you think if you, like, hit it big and became like this giant, huge, rich and famous comedian, your dad would come crawling back? Or is he that out there that he's like, ah, fuck it. Honestly, I thought, like, killed Tony. Like, he'll break out. And you think he's seen it?

Oh, yeah. Well, my sister is still docks him. Hmm, interesting. Yeah, she's the oldest. So there's like that like, I need, you know. Right. I remember when I did last comic standing back in the day, I had to get, you used to have to get people's permissions if you were going to make fun of them.

Remember that? If it was family or something like that. Or if you used their name. I forgot how. Oh, yeah. But I had to, for whatever reason, I had to get my biological dad's signature to make fun of him. So I met up with him. I was like, well, you just signed this.

You know and talk to him? We didn't talk. and he was like he had like a mental breakdown at that point so he would like look at the contract and be like no no no i was like come on wow i needed this he was like i was like i couldn't tell if he was faking it or not but he would just keep getting close to it and then go no i was like you fucking cocktys i lost it i was like fuck you i just walked out yeah did different jokes did you didn't forge it no i don't i didn't want to i didn't want to deal with it yeah yeah damn that's Crazy. I remember that, that whole signing thing.

They made me. It was some weird NBC shit. Yeah. God, NBC's the worst. Yeah, they really are. So that's crazy, though, that he, but you're still close with your mom and you're close with your sister? Mm-hmm. And my little brother. Yeah, big fam. Yeah, I'm in the middle. Your little brother must think it's pretty cool that you're crushing her. Oh, yeah. He's a musician, actually. So he's like, I don't know.

Oh, this is very exciting for him. And he's young. And I remember, okay, so I'm 29. My brother is 24. And he said me, he came to one of my shows and was like, it's really cool because you're, like, so old, but, like, Gen Z still thinks you're funny. And I was like, what the fuck? You're not old? I'm not.

I'm like a baby. I think you might be our youngest guest. Oh, yeah. I was like, who the hell is going on this? Oh, wow. Is that your bro? Yeah, yeah. That's my, oh.

Yeah, that's my brother. That's fun. The one above is my old family with my stepdad, Randy. The good dad. Yeah, he's the dad that stepped up. Yeah. I remember seeing you at Kill Tony. I think it was the only time I was on Kill Tony.

And she comes out, killer jokes. And then the interview part, she killed it too, hilarious off the cuff too. Oh, yeah. She just killed it. It was awesome. Yeah, you killed at the don't tell I saw. Thank you. Yeah, it was refreshing because it's like, you know, it's such a weird, I mean, we just came up so differently.

I mean, we did those kind of shows where you're like, fuck, I'm nervous, but you're not, like, that show is massive. Yes. So you're, you know, fairly new to comedy. I don't know how long you've been doing. Yeah. How long have you been. October is five years. Oh, yeah.

That's pretty new. And it's like this massive audience I remember having those audition sets Oh god But you just like crushed it And I assume you've been on it

You know A couple times before 10 times Well before you were my Was your second time? I think so Yeah you killed it It was it felt good to see

You know Someone do so well That means so much It is weird though Because like It is a room of like 350 people, but you're so where, like, millions are going to see it. And you're like, fuck, like, everything I do right now, do I look fat, am I sitting up?

And the comments are brutal, and then Tony could be brutal. Oh, yeah. You fucking suck. I'm not gay, I promise. So, yeah, you really got to walk that tightrope. Not my forte. Now let me ask you, so we're a couple of straight, white, honky men. I, you know, we'll get people, hey, shut out, that's offensive.

Does anyone ever push back on you? Because you have pretty dark jokes. Oh, yeah. Is anyone ever going to yell at the wheel? I mean, they'll be quiet, but it's because they feel sad for me. And that's the worst. Which is so much more obnoxious. I know.

Yeah, I'm like, that actually is a hate crime. They're like, she said the N-word, but, you know. Bullet and sled. Yeah. She meant it with an A. I just have the speech with it. That should be, you should be able to say the N-word if you're holding the handicap pass.

This is my N-word pass. You get an actual N-word card. Yeah, yeah. But that's a nice little perk. Yeah. I mean, you still have to live like this. But, nice perk. It's hard.

It must be hard with the travel. Oh, my God, dude. Yeah, it's a nightmare because I know, like, I'm on tour right now. I know most comics that are like starting off headlining the first year like it's hard to afford to bring a feature

you know so people just like let the clubs do I have to I can't like get from A to B on an airplane I can't I'm not going to drive eight hours by myself you know what I mean so it's kind of like taking

on that new account I can't afford multiple hotel rooms right now you know what I mean Damn. You just have to sleep with your opener. Literally, I'm sorry, Matt, you know. And thank God you live in a city-city with a club and a theater, you know, and festivals. That would really suck if you lived in, like, Montana.

Yeah. I'm staying in Nashville, though, because we have a great, like, a ton of direct flights everywhere. Nice. I never even thought about it. Man, so all those times you were in Austin or when you're in New York, that's just a whole to do. You're flying at a pocket, right? Yeah. That's crazy.

That is crazy. Yeah. Damn. It's hard. Get a go from me going. Help her out, everybody. What that, guys. Come on.

You seem like you're doing great though right now. Yeah, I mean, I'm very fortunate. I can't afford all of that now. Oh, great. Yeah. I'm doing all right. I got that wheelchair money. Has anyone ever...

You get rims on that shit, right? Get the hydraulics. Adjolics, er, has anyone reached out in the handicapped world? Is that the term? Dead table. Okay. Who's the person who's reached out? We were like, holy shit.

That's kind of cool. Stephen Hawking. Somebody must have. He said it was too old. Um, someone that's reached. Like an organization, like, hey, we're part of. Oh, I just had a really cool thing. Actually, I was in Boston doing their lap Boston.

And I never really do crap work, but for some reason, I was like, make noise if you're in the healthcare field and everyone clapped, we're in Boston. Yeah. And I just pointed out one random guy, and I was like, what do you do? You know? And he was the chief financial officer officer for gene therapy. for my disease. Holy moly.

Which is the only cure. When I was diagnosed 11 years ago, they told me, like, your only hope is gene therapy, and that could reverse this. And did you talk to him after? Oh, my God, yeah. And it made me very emotional. He emailed me. I'm going to try to do something with them.

Wow, of all the crowd works. Dude, I know. It's because it was bald. That would suck to bomb in front of the CEO. Yeah, and he was like, taking him back. Can he bill you? He's like, we talk for 11 minutes. I know.

I was like, this is crazy on these health care people. I can't afford to see a sweater coming to get y'all in here. Can you look at this more? So gene therapy could reverse something like this. Yeah. And where are they with something like that? They're about to move to clinical trial, which is so good. It's like the first age, I don't, I shouldn't say that, but gene therapy would be the cure for any genetic, like Alzheimer's, fucking dementia.

It would stop all that. Wow. Definitely get in dementia. Oh, easy. You know it. We're like close. Yeah. I'm read that line.

Yeah, completely. Wow, this is great news. Yeah. But I don't want to jinx it. I know. I'm like you always got to like manage your hope on stuff because I've been through a million things that are like this is it and it's fucking that yeah yeah damn of all I mean that sounds if that was in a movie you'd be like that's a little on the nose yeah that work scene with the guy but if this turns around you you're making that I mean you played by Mark Rufelow yeah it was very cool he was like talking to me about how he was really excited because I bring a lot of awareness to Fredericks-A-Taxia. Like, when I talk about it on a podcast or Gil-Towny.

Did he know who you were before? Yeah, like, they're all fans. And I'm like, what the fucking, I was like their first person with FAA they had met. Yeah, you're the Jackie Robinson. Yeah. What Fredericks at Takesia. Pretty close. All right, I'll take it.

I liked it. Damn. Hold on. I had another question. I forgot it. Lap Boston. Oh, I lost it. I'll get it back. I want to know what your road routine is like. It's like when you get to a new city, do you just kind of, you try to find a restaurant? Do you just go to the hotel and chill? Like, what do you do? I go to the hotel. Yeah, I've moved a lot that day. My routine now, having a really big fucking issue with all hotels. being disabled

and being like, I booked an accessible room for mobility. Yeah. I showed up to this last hotel and they were like, I was like, is it accessible? And they were like, yeah, it's hearing accessible. What accessible?

A hearing. I don't even know what that mean. Like for deaf people. Yeah, and I was like, what does that mean? And they were like, well, there's a doorbell. And when someone hits it, flashes the light so you know someone's there. I was like, oh, thank God.

I was like, the only, like, crazy thing about that, my ears are good. My legs are deaf, you know, they're not with it. I remember what I was going to ask, and maybe it's for the best I didn't remember. So tell me if this is over the line. Okay. But I got to know. Where are we at? Feelings-wise, below the equator.

I think that's fair. Okay. Yeah. I'm feeling. I'm not paralyzed. Oh, you got feeling? Yeah. Oh, so you guys are plowing.

Yeah. Okay. Yes, sir. Wow. That's it. Do you have a swing? That would be an or not. She must work really hard.

Which one? You holding her up? Hold me down. Wow. So you know he's horny when he puts a broomstick through the spokes? Yeah. You're not going anywhere. It's the flashing lights.

Yeah. Yeah. That's, uh, and do you guys tour together always? Um, when he's not busy, so he is on the road like 40 weeks a year. Common? With Rodney Carrington. Oh, hey, he's a wittin. He features for him.

Oh, hell yeah. Cool. So when he's not with Rodney, he's with me. And then when he's not available, well, I. I bring someone named Justin Wagner. He's a Nashville comic. Very funny, good guy. It's nice that, like, I mean, the hard thing about dating the comic is, like, how much, you know, scheduling time together and, you know, being apart and all that stuff.

Like, is it, do you think it's good for the relationship that you have the time apart and you have to actually miss a person a little bit? I love missing it. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's, it's honest, like, I've been a fucking breeze. Like, we've had no issues. I don't know. We just trust each other a lot. I'm not going to roll into any dick on the road.

Well, it's tough, though, because if you blow up or if you blow up, now you're both busy. So how does that work? It's almost like a bittersweet thing. Yeah, because we want that for each other, you know? I don't know. We haven't gotten that button. Being busy is good though It's like you said you missed a person

I mean think about you love your alone time You focus on your work I'm the same way I get on the road And I'm not in the relationship But I get on the road And I'm just like I can focus It's almost like Your life back home is paused

And you can just be like I can no one can bother me At the same reason I love a flight I'm like I don't have to respond to this shit Now I can just kind of do me Yeah Definitely I mean

I'm not I'm not too worried about all of it. Yeah, you're going to be fine. Yeah. We get married in like 24 days. 24 days, all right. Where's the wedding? A giant handicapped?

Everyone can get in. Do you feel like you have a big audience of people who feel like you're speaking for them, kind of? Yeah, that's been the craziest part of all this. I didn't feel that way, and then I started my guilt. Tony happened and I'm getting like, you know, 20, 30 messages a day from disabled people, from people that have family members like me. Yeah. Yeah, it's been cool.

Actually, I have a TEDx talk that isn't out yet, but it's about to come out. That's crazy. Oh, what is it? A TED talk. What is it? They're called a TEDx now? The smaller one. A TEDx?

No, we'll fucking, we'll make sure it blows up. Yeah. So you just gave, like, a funny speech, basically. Yeah, well, it wasn't supposed to be funny, but I had never been serious on stage before. And I was, like, having a panic attack, so I started, like, accidentally doing jokes. Right. And so the crowd was laughing. And I was like, thank God.

Like, when it's silence, I got an applause break for wisdom. Wow. It was so interesting. There's people who are cheating over there. It makes you get applause. It just dropped some knowledge. Did you wear the Matt Rife headset? No, it was like a mic.

Okay. I know. The headset makes you look important. I know. I know one of one's film bed. Deep job did it, yeah. Wow, Ted X. You're all over the play.

Now, you know, Jim Jeffries does the, I've opened for him. He meets with the handicapped people after his set. That's like a weird thing he does. It's weird. It's weird. He's got this weird quirk. He used to be ignoring them. He had a story about his brother or friend in a wheelchair.

No, no. It's an amazing bit. Great bit. About his friend growing up with muscular dystrophy who he took to a brothel to get laid. Yes. Wait, I think I've heard this. It's a really funny story. Yeah. And his whole TV show is based on that, basically.

And that guy, DJ Qualls, played his friend in the wheelchair. But he took him to a brothel. The story blew up. and now all these handicapped people or disabled people meet him after the show but it's getting a little out of hand it started with wheelchair

now it's like I can't hear in one ear I'm missing a finger but he meets them all after the show and then if you open for him you got to meet him too oh wow but that's why his special

is called two limb policy because he's like all right you still gotta have or one limb policy whatever it was I didn't even know that was the special yeah it's on Netflix it's his last special

That is so real, though. People are fucking insane. I'll be like, before one of my jokes, I'll be like make some noise if you're a disabled person. And it's always like 10 people. I'm like, no, no, like the real kind. Yeah, exactly. I'm like, it's hard to take a piss. I feel like that's a good indicator.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean, it's hard for me too, but I'm not going to claim them. More just in my body's shitty at this point. I'm kind of a shy peered as I can. Really? I could pee anywhere. I mean, I can pee on the street, but it'll take a minute. I still pee on the street.

Yeah. If it's late at night. It's late at night, no one's around. You had a few cocktails. Yeah. I got you. Sorry. Yeah, I can pee anywhere.

No stage fright. What about boner? What do you mean? You get bones. You get the... A public boner? owner? Well, no, if I get my head, I can't get it up. I can get it up all the time, but if you start thinking about not being able to get it up, I'm ruined.

I think that's why you drank. I guess so. I think when you get in your head, yeah, when you're like too aware of it. I brought my wife to a sex club in Berlin. And, you know, I'm like, well, we're in the sex club. We got to have sex in it. That's what you do. And we were making out, and there's people making out. There's people fucking over there. There's a guy on a swing. There's a naked lady. so I'm like, there's a lot going on. I couldn't get it up because it was too much. I was at techno and lights and all this shit.

So eventually I got it up, but it was, it wasn't easy. How'd you get it up? I took a blue chew. Bring one because you were like. I was nervous because I knew I'd want to fuck in there, you know, went in Rome, but I just didn't want to take any chances. I've had more and more guys telling me, like, you got to get a prescription for Viagra just to have in case you, like,

meet a chick you want to go all night with. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm pretty satisfied with a few pumps. falling asleep yeah yeah and I don't think women actually ever want to go all night I had one where a woman just like again I was like all right nymphomaniac stressed me out I was just like fuck I'm trying this is like give me a sec yeah took a lot took a lot I was hammered enough that I got I went three and that was the most of done that was the most I've done in like years yeah and you want to go to bed I'm tired I was hammered I didn't care three times and one

yeah I was fucking pleased with my I'm 39 I was like, whew. Yeah. I've done the three and it gets a little raw after a while. Yeah, that sounds painful. It was like the third godfather. It wasn't very good. First two not bad.

That's funny. Write it down now. But yeah, no, I had a one night stand with a woman. And I found out, like, women, like, if I'm having any trouble and they're just mean to me, it definitely helps. Oh, there you go. Yeah. Just a little mean, like ball busty. Sure.

Not too mean. Yeah, yeah. what was your mom like great I had a great mother I have a great mom she's the best could you work them into it like if they're not being mean enough could you be like boy you put on weight yeah let's fucking ride light the fuse a little yeah to me but they got to be clever sure you're ugly you're gay it's still got to be something something clever yeah I like that for me it's uh just not caring if the girl's like what I don't care I'm like I got to win you back

I'm in love with you I'll marry you take my money I had a one nice name with a woman and I did not last long and I'm not proud of this

when I'm protected because she demanded it and I don't do that I'm a product of an accident I'm not a fucking I'm not careless I was like hammered I was like ah fuck it let's do it and then did not last long

and afterwards she goes what's my name And I was like, fuck. And I, true story, I said, I want to say, Jossamon. I was my guest, Jossamon. I was hammered, and she goes, what kind of fucking name is Jocelyn? And I said, what's your name? And she goes, Jalissa.

Okay, that's pretty close. Pretty fucking close. That's a crazy. But then she, I'll give you an example. She leaves, and I called her a car, and she leaves, and she, this is the line that made me kind of like her. She texts, first off, she texts not even an Uber black, and I wrote, I wrote, geez, sorry.

and then she wrote comes in 10 seconds and calls me a Toyota Camry and I was like that's pretty fucking good that's a type of ball busting I like

okay okay I like that's hilarious I enjoyed it so when's the wedding I told her I said if we have a baby we'll name it Josamon that was probably

the name of the Uber driver that's one funny about being single you get those wacky drunk. I like to follow a fucking night. Of course. I like to follow a weird night and see where it goes. I love a weird night. Love a weird night. That's where you

get the stories. You don't get stories of being married with a kid, I'll tell you that. Jim Jeffrey's got that great bit where he goes, you know, sober people all have the same end of their story. And then I got home. Yeah. No great story started with, and I had a salad. Yeah. What about you?

Do you drink? I do. I mean, we've seen. Yeah, what's like, do you drink before you go on stage? or after stage or... I used to, like, I have to have, like, two drinks before I went on stage just because that was nervous. Now, it's, like, maybe I do.

Maybe I don't. Like, it's, you know. Is that your only vice? You ever do a little shroom action? Ah, I hate you did. Uh-oh. But? Well, everything I've done it,

I'm a fucking idiot, and I do it in the craziest places. I, um, the first time I did trumes, it was for a, like, comedy show where the whole thing was like, all the comedians are tripping. Oh, yeah. You know? And so I was like, yeah, that's fine. It hit me so fucking hard. I was, I was terrified.

It was crying. Yeah, it was awful. And I actually, the whole, my whole set on drums is like. online. Oh shit. Pull it up. I fully Matt was with me and he was not on dreams and I was like

I refused to go on stage and let Matt going. Oh, that's great. Yeah, I'm like having a panic attack in this. I mean, literally the first thing I say in this video is ha ha, I'm

in a wheelchair. Wow. I've never done turns of a lot. Okay, um, do I just do my joke? Wow. Him sitting there is great too. This is amazing. Jesus.

I'm in a wheelchair. And then I, like, I made him hold my hand. And then I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. Matt, do my jokes. And he started doing my jokes. Wow, that's great. Now that's love. Yeah.

That's a great story. Pretty good. Damn. Put all this in the movie where you find the gene therapy. guy I really hope this like we gotta do is there a way we could

raise awareness for this for this cause in any way or like you know yeah people want to donate to FARA that's F-A-R-A is the organization

oh that's like for research okay all right sure hell yeah wow do you ever meet all these people and go

man these are nerds oh my god A lot of people that pay actually come to my shows. Oh, great. There are only 5,000 of us in the US. Is that right? Yeah, so I'm pretty special. Yeah, you're a minority.

My bus is extra short, you know. That would be a cool tour bus. You had a short bus. Yeah, I agree. That would be pretty fucking sake. Oh, you want another? I don't want to get you trashed here. Oh.

I mean, we could. I'll do another if she does another. Yeah, I can do one more. Half one more. I don't know. What do we do? He's doing a bodega. There we go.

Farah. How do I say Friedrichs Etaxia? Ataxia. All right, got it. So, F-A-R-A-org? Okay. Yeah, I mean, please donate to this. This sounds like important as hell.

We want you around. We want you kicking. We want to reverse it. We want you to have a long, long career. If y'all don't donate to it, I won't be here to make wheelchair dose. I know, we need one. Now, if you saw another wheelchair comic come in, are you like, let the fuck? Take the ramps down.

Yeah, you've already got to compete with other women, not alone other wheelchair. Oh, my God. Have you gotten any women comic hate yet? Yeah, of course. Of course they've been curious. What kind of stuff? um it's no one's like brave enough to say anything to my face you know but i've heard a lot of like she uh only gets booked because she's in a wheelchair like she's not funny you're very funny

you're funny you got jokes i mean it's i could see i see how they got there but like right i had a guy i had a guy who i knew i know is talk shit about me asked me for a favor recently And I did it. Whoa. I did it because I was like, I don't give a shit. Wow, that's very mature. Yeah. I was like, you know what?

He might have done it. Okay, 39. And now it's like what you say, hanging outside the stall. Now he'll feel a little stupid for doing it. Yeah, I like it. Boy, you're like Charlie Kirk's wife. She forgave the guy. That's not the first time I've heard that, by the way.

Many people say I'm like Erica Kirk. Yeah, yeah, I think that's it. Oh, my God. Not bad looking. You're going to get in there? There? Folks are to change things up? It's neck and neck.

All right. All right. What are we doing? Hopefully it's been a minute since. It's been a minute. Okay. Damn. Do you see that memorial?

It looked like one of Bargazzi shows. West Christians. Yeah. West Christians. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much. I like the crushed ice.

Nice touch. Yeah, I do. Crushed ice is a fuck. A toast to crushed ice. Here, here. any cocktail better, I said. Oh, yeah. I love it.

I love crushed ice. I also like the big cube. I want the big cube or the crow. I don't want it in the middle. I'm with you. I don't hate the medium cube, but yeah, bigger little is the way to go. Way to go.

I'm glad we're actually talking about the problem. Like, we're really getting into it. He's talking about far and we're just like, here's how I feel about cubes. I have some strong opinions. Well, Larry David on you. I have some peeves if we need any. I have peeves, too.

I got one. Oh, great. Please, you go. you ladies first. This is so fucking stupid, but the way they package string cheese. Oh.

Why? No one can fucking open it. Like, I know I'm a little retarded, but like, I think it's hard for everyone. It's number change similar to birth control that haven't fixed it. It's a little labia there. Yeah, you have to like,

Take them apart, and I'm like, no, and I love cheese. Yeah, same. And it's fun to string it. Yeah. I'm with you. It's like a tampon. Yeah, also very hard to open. You ever tried to put a tampon name when you have FAA?

Many times. Real hard. That's good because a lot of things have gotten better. Like ketchup has those packets, but then we invented the cup with the lid, with the little rip lid. Yeah, or you can do the top. Yes, yes, exactly Hard to open anything I'll go with, I think

Why are you making it hard to open? I know, I think it's easy to package But even the ketchup used to come on a glass bottle We'd all do this shit, remember that? Oh, yeah The knife, whatever that was And now it's squeezed, they figured it out They progressed

Yeah We gotta get the cheese to progress Yeah, why isn't big string cheese In the combo yet Good, good one You're on notice string cheese Yeah One of you change it up

Yes, you're ablest. Yes, I like that. All right. Is that your go-to road snacks, drink juice? Not anymore. Oh, yeah? My go-tober. I love Taco Bell. Oh, that's probably my number one fast food.

Every club I used to go to would be like, oh, Dave Attell was just here. I'm like, oh, how was he goes? Great, he killed. Made us drive from a Taco Bell. I just love that Atel's in a car with someone chain smoking on his way to a Taco Bell. Mm, Grande. Bill Beaver. Yeah, talk about the CrunchRap Supreme.

When that came out, I probably ate 900 in a year. The cot sauce is fucking great, too. And it's unlimited. Do you guys smoke weed? Not really, no. Do you? I don't, like, medicinally, honestly. Like, when Matt tucks me into bed,

gives me me a little weed head. Then I'm bullied him. It's the best way for me. Really? I sleep well on it, yeah. I fall asleep, but then I'm like in and out. I'm like kind of... Yeah.

And they say you're not supposed to be able to dream when you spend before bed. I dream. I hate dreams. You hate dreams? I have just bad dreams. I guess I hate nightmares. Dreams are okay.

Interesting. But I have some weird dreams. Yeah, mine aren't great either. I walk in a lot of my dreams. Whoa. You're not weird. Crazy. What's that, what is that, like, what does that, like, what does that feel

like in the dream? Um, Kunti. No, it's weird because when it's happening, I have no idea that it's like different than reality. Right. You know what I mean? And then I wake up and I'm like, dang.

Yeah. I thought that was real. And like, this happens sometimes. I wake up and I forget I can't walk. Mm-hmm. And I'll, like, go to stand up and I've like fallen out. I'm like, fuck.

Wow. Because I walked for, you know, 21 years. Wow. That is crazy. Yeah. Benjamin Button, I'm like a baby now. Yeah, yeah, you're going backwards. But I think with this crowdwork guy, you'll be walking someday.

How often do you talk to this guy? I literally met him on the September. Oh, okay. So recently. 16th. Oh, great, all right, all right. Like, it just happened. Did he seem really kind of like...

I mean, he was fucking pumped. Hell yeah. Yeah, the thing is called like solid biology or something. Core. Solid bioscience. Oh, nice. Yeah. Right?

Yeah, because it kept being like solid, like a rock or whatever. whatever, because I was kind of drunk. So he was like, please don't forget. Solid as a rock. Kevin Tan. Wait, no. I keep saying the wrong person. He's this chief something.

There's so many. Chief, he's Native American. I hope it's a bo-cumbo. He's a bald guy. Okay, we'll find him. By the way, did you guys see? I want to say Tim. Something.

Tim. Yeah. There he is! Wait, fuck. Is that he? The Asian? No. Ah, shit.

I wasn't that drowned, Keanu. By the way, they said baldness, New York Times just came out with a thing. Baldness is close to curing. Like the actual, they're going to get ahead of it. Matt, oh my God. We're close. He's going to leave me when he grows there. Which way?

Which one is it? Uh, yeah, it's Dr. Gabriel will, yes. Brooks. Good kind of. He does. And he like took a knee to talk to me. It was very sweet.

Gapernick. I like it. Yeah, he was a sweet man. Good on you, Brooks. But yeah, let me ask you this. Some people get successful. They leave their spouse. If you got walking again, would you leave old Maddie back there?

Yeah. All right. She would literally walk out of them. Yeah. I know. Wow. It's fucked up. I can't be a runaway bride.

I think of a roller way bride doesn't hit the same, you know. I'm telling you, though, that baldness gear is coming. It's coming. Don't tell Vita. I like holding him down. It's in the Times. I'm telling you. I mean, what's been the coolest thing about just, I mean, because this happened quickly for years.

What's the coolest thing about this? The disease or something? No, about your... What's the coolest thing about... What's your favorite? I'm really good to parallel parking. Dude, it's been a fucking whirlwind, and I'm like, my biggest fear is that it happened too fast.

And I'm just like trying to live up to every opportunity that comes, but, like, also respect that, like, it's a long. haul you know what I mean um you write a lot yeah yeah yeah but jokes which is refreshing she does I mean that's the first thing I noticed is that she had and even when she was riffing it was in jokes yeah true that means that I mean to be honest I didn't think I would ever be like a comedian I thought only boys could do that and you're right I tried um no it i got to i got a degree in graphic design oh wow um so i used to own a little company what women can do that too apparently you define a lot of it man um i'm like yeah you can park

i know it's fucked kind of the whole baggage or half the baggage or whatever um Yeah, oh, God. Okay, some of these photos are terrifying. Yeah, sit down, create was the name of my company and no longer. Oh, fun. Could you make your own flyers and your own out? Yeah, yeah, but I won't. I'm very lazy.

Can I ask you, like, how nervous would you get going on these shows? Because Mark and I talked about this, I don't think there's a show like Kill Tony we ever did coming up. where you're like, oh, this, you know, even if we bombed a late night set, we're like, we'll be okay. Yeah. The bombing on that stage is tough. It's truly that will fuck you.

Yeah. Like, if it's a verse I'm on, you know, fucking MSG, what's the scariest? I found out I was on MSG four days before it. They forgot. Oh. You know what the worst part of it, too, is the anticipation. because it's all, you're all just waiting for one brief moment

and you're literally going through security at the airport, you're on the flight, and then you're just like, I hope this doesn't suck. Yeah, exactly. And you can't really pre-write, it's all off the dome because you don't know who's coming up. Right, right. Well, then I'm fucking about to go on stadium in the left or whatever.

And everyone that I know backstage is like, you should talk about this or this or this. I'm like, okay, fuck you. This is the worst. So I feel like MSJ. I kind of bombed the interview. What? I saw it yesterday.

You had 4.4 million views on something. So things are working. It took off. It's working for you. You had the elevator joke. Yeah, that wasn't even mine, though. I was just sitting there and everyone's been like, how'd you feel about that? I'm like, if I'm being so fucking honest, I couldn't hear you.

So I was just like Ha ha ha ha That's good well By the way I hate that's a peeve When people go How'd you feel about that set Like you know how I feel about it

If I killed you wouldn't ask me How I have you feel? I hate what am my therapist It feels a bad set It's so worth Orin people are like Hey Don't give it

I love that I thought you were funny Yeah Don't listen to them They sucked. Hey, it's a weird night. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

The crowd was weird. Yeah. I think the most, sometimes I'll see a comic and I'll be like, oh, man, they suck. You deserve me. I'll give one of those. Yeah. I don't like that the other way. I don't like being like, you, what the fuck?

That's insane. Yeah. Just don't say anything. I know. Don't listen to that. What do you know? My favorite, though, is when you do see someone, they do like mid to bomb level, and they're always a ones that come off stage and they're like, I crush.

That's so true. And I'm like, it's always a man with the mustache. Tell me I'm wrong. Yeah, I can see that. Oh, no, we didn't say more. I was going to throw out a peeve, but I don't want to cut you up. I don't know, go for it. All right, I got two.

How about this guy? I've been having this a lot lately. I'm at the airport or somewhere, and I see a guy who's like, comedy, hey, we might be drunk, whatever. and he goes like this for the for the for the god and I have stuff in my hands so I go fist pump and he just holds the hand out I think he's like I'm not fist pumping we're we're we're a you better accept this is like multiple times this is happened to me uh today actually I was on the street yes I was holding a coffee and some and something else and a guy was like yeah and I was

like I don't have a hand to yeah yeah yeah you have to accept the fist bump I know so So you end up, like, putting the coffee under the armpit, and you're like, here you go. I'm like, just fistpump me. But I think they don't want to shift from this to this or something. I don't know. They're standing the ground. I guess so, but it's, like, my day. My equivalent, I'm really bad at, like, handshakes because you have to be precise.

Right, right. So I'm like, let me just hold still. Ah, you come to me. Yeah. I like that. I'll do, you do 90, I do 10. You know, just like, oh, fuck. Who?

Okay. I was just at a fucking Belmore Governor's Club. Oh, geez. The owner talked to me about y'all. He loves you. Oh, really? That's a surprise to me. He said, they're sweet boys, sweet boys.

Did he make sure you ate 400 times? Dude, this is hilarious. Take some food to go. Take more food. He goes... He killed Ralphie Mae. He's where Oh, jeez You feel bad how hard that hit

You feel bad how hard that hit? Edit that out I'm kidding No he's You know Kling up fucking cuticle's pushback Oh yeah Dago

I'm half Italian I'm allowed to say it I'm Jewish, I can say it, too. He's a successful Italian. Yeah. They're handsome Jews, you're successful Italian. He's in, like, a track suit. Of course.

You know what I mean? Of course. So during my shit, my set, this fucking dude, he's fucked up. He's on drugs. I don't know. But he's heckling me, but nice heckling, which is my least favorite. The worst. Because it's like, you don't want to be like, fuck you.

Because he's like, you're so funny, and I'm like, shut up, you know. Come on. Michael, let me be funny, you know. But this guy's being too much, he's being real creepy, he's yelling out stuff about, like, my body and whatever. So at the end of the night, the owner comes out, he's sitting on a stool, and he's talking to me, he's like, you have fun. You know, like, he's just kind of being. a great now. And this heckler

comes back and I'm getting a little stress because he's real touchy. And I'm like, yeah, I'm talking to the owner and he's like, is this guy bothering you? And I was like, he is. And then as I said that, the heckler

fucking grabs my head and kiss me right here and I can't go far. I'm not moving. And that, The owner, he goes, wait, fuck, do you just kiss here? I was like, I get on my cheek. And he goes, okay.

And he had picked up a chair leg. Oh, my God. He just had a chair leg back there ready to go. I love this man. I was very impressed. Wow. That guy didn't make it to his car. And if it did, it exploded when he started.

I think that guy's in a wheelchair, too. My darts are going to hit real hard. now. Damn. That's wild. Yeah. I've had some, that was one of those clubs

like early on that I was grateful for. Sure. You have those sets. You get on the, you get in the Long Island Railroad. Oh yeah. And governors, that.

But man, it was work. Yeah, yeah, there are animals out there. They will let you know if it ain't funny. That's the, that's the club. Governors is a club in same, not far from brokerage where Seinfeld is like, it's like a fucking different country out there.

It's like you see. Seinfeld break. Yeah, it's really Alabama. Yeah. Yeah. My feature, oh my God. He crushes every fucking, like, he's so great. All right, Wagner.

Justin, yeah, nice. This was the only show. We had just been to Rhode Island. I did the East Providence, like, comedy connection. Love those great club. A phenomenal show. I loved it. But we had just been Rhode Island.

He gets on stage in Belmar. He goes, and that's Long Island. Oh, yeah. And he goes, how are we doing tonight, Rhode Island? Nothing. He doesn't even realize he said that. He said it five fucking time. And at some point, some Italian dude,

this is the fucking Rhode Island. That's like calling a woman Jazzimon. Yeah. I mean, they never forgave him. It was so fucking funny. That's on him. I've done that before. It sucks.

You just have a couple drinks in you. I've confidently been like, thank you, Oklahoma City. They're like, this is Lexington in Kentucky. Been drinking a lot. I've been on the road for a long time. Remember that Simpson's, there's some band, and they're like, good to be here. And he flips the guitar over. It says Springfield.

Springfield, we love you. It's so fucking relatable. So good. He's on the road that hard. You're just like, you forget. Yeah, it all blends together. But it's insane to forget, but yeah. All right, how about this peeve?

This guy. I'm stopping if I've done this one before. But you get the guy who keeps questioning you when you've already given an answer, you know, you go, he goes, oh shit, I got to tip the bellhop. You got any money? And I go, I got nothing. And he goes, no money? I'm like, I have zero money. He's like, you have nothing.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, that's what nothing means. I'm out. If you keep asking me, it doesn't change it. So that drove it crazy. Better him than a homeless guy. That's true. That's true. You have zero.

Zero. I have nothing. No money, nothing on you. No, no, nothing. I'll be, I'm indecisive so I can be annoying like this. We're like, Gary and I are picking seats. We're like, you know, we're on the road. We want to see that DiCaprio movie.

Is that out? It's out this weekend. But we saw it was out. We're backlog in this episode. This is before Mark and I both go to Europe. So we're taping this in September, guys. That's right. Sorry about that.

But we didn't touch on topical shit. It still works. Yeah. Anyway, the movie won battle after another. Veter and I are on the road. We want to see the movie. So we see there's a late Thursday show. Oh, my God.

So we're in Rochester. So I was like, I want to, I was like, dude, let's. So we're like arguing back and forth over the seats. Yeah. I'm like, I like, I like it more to the middle. I'm like, well, it's a three-hour movie. What if we have to pee? And it's that type of.

And that's where you got the handicapped seat. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't. I was like two away from the handicapped seat. That's feel better. All right. There's, like, 10 handicapped seats in this theater.

There's no way 10 handicapped people are showing them. Yeah. What they do? I really get into their house. That's crazy. Ten? I feel like all my peeves are so specific to me. I'm scared to even say them.

Sam, say, they're all going to be like, what? Sam, please. One of my, like, biggest ones. And it happens every day. It doesn't matter what I'm with. like I'll be trekking into a hotel and like say Matt's with me it's under my name

yada yada they will not look at me they only talk to the able body person with me and I fucking ate it is that a man woman thing no in able body versus disabled so anyone like even a random bitch behind me

It's crazy and like I tell people and that's a thing with all disabled people. If a disabled person is talking to you, look at them. Interesting. Like even though it's hard, just try. You think they feel bad or something? Yeah, even if they're drooling, just look. But this is why I think you've connected with people so well is that like they feel seen through your comedy. Yeah.

I love that. shit. What? I'm such a girl about it. It makes me emotional. I remember when I started comedy, a bunch of open mic bros where, like, you're never going to make it. You think you have a point to make? And I was like, okay. I don't feel that way about you at all. No point. I don't think it's at all like. I'm just talking. You're just making jokes. You're doing what you're supposed to do. I think that's why when I first saw it was like, I liked this one immediately. I was like immediately

like fan and that's why I won't watch your TEDx because I don't want any message I'm not trying to learn something but she said she couldn't even get through with that's true she's such a comic she couldn't even get through it I fucking panic I can't even remember some of the jokes I made and I was like oh they're not supposed to be laughing okay I snorted I'm in a wheelchair ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm Because that's the hardest video to watch. Why do you upload it if it's so hard to watch? Because I was like, I can't get it.

It is a funny video. I mean, you got to go for it. No, I made like a highlight reel of like the funny parts of it so you don't have to watch all of it. God, it's a lot. Does Boobin play a swar? Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah, they were sent to us as a gift.

Can I hold it? Please. Touch them. They feel great. Yeah, those came out of Chelsea Handler, so. There you go. Oh, that's awesome. Fun, right?

I like this shit. I also like Tits. I think they're great. Yeah, they're great. I'm a fan of Tits. Those fakes are big in Nashville. I see a lot of Nashvilleians with Fake jugs now.

Yeah, bad ones a lot. Like bolt-ons. You had some step-moms? No, I got a real mom. I'm not. Oh, you're a real-one. I have a step-dad, but I call him dad. Yeah.

What was that? That's so sweet. That was her face right there. Holy shit. When you said you hate when people pity you, I was like, oh, yeah. Yeah, there's a little doof, Sam. She was, like, aw.

Aw, sweet boy. Did he play catch with you? Actually, he did not. He's not an athletic guy. Oh, that's hard. I had to learn that shit on my own. All right. If I have a kid, I'll play catch with you.

You can't play catch with your kid? Oh, I can't wait. Yeah. He does it right now, and it is abuse. Yeah. You put a little mitt on him. You just throw a heartball at it? Oh, pussy?

You got to fuck. catch it that'd be great if you had like a dark side where you just fucking sports dad that none of us saw coming oh god come on you faggin pick up the ball dude like we never expected

this from Mark he so my um god this is my pair I don't have to joke about this yet but fucking eh so my dad has been married

five times Wow. To three women. He's going back for seconds. He doubled up. Yo, dude. Okay, my mom, three kids. Great.

Thank you for fucking her, I guess. And then I shouldn't say her name. Let's say Diane. All right, Diane. Okay, cool. So he marries Diane. And she got a big, big bolt-ons. Yep.

Big. Okay. Fucking Butterfly. Oh, tramp stamp. Wow. Tattoo on our bras. So you can see her. You get it.

Weird. Yeah, my dad's like, I love this shit. Who's with right now? No. That's number two. Oh, okay. Diane. I'm going to forget.

So he marries Diane. He gets their wedding date tattooed on his wrist. Classy. They get divorced. Oh, who could be coming with that tattoo? Literally, I know. And he gets a black heart over it for dead love. Damn.

Wait, y'all. He gets married to Diane again. That's three. A new date above the black heart. Whoa. Wait, are you ready? He gets divorced again. No, you know.

He turns into a playing card. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. They get married again. Oh my God! Yeah. This is unbelievable. It's awesome.

New. I love it at a certain point they don't even, they're like, we don't trust us. Yeah, yeah, right. It's literally married again. New date. It's right the fuck up here, right above the playing card. Jesus. Okay.

Uh-oh. We still got one more. Divorce again. Of course. Now he just wears like a watch over it for dead love. Or not dead love. Waste of time. There you go.

So that exists and he married, let's say, Marcia. Sure. Now he's married to her. Is that five? That's five. Okay. Yeah. And he's still with Marcia?

Yeah. Well, I don't know it anymore. It was just. A lot. Diane wouldn't... She used to get real mad if we drank her diet pepsies. There's some white trash shit right now. Oh, dude, it was crazy.

My dad, no, I shouldn't say all that. Ah, you've had a couple of drinks. I know. This is going off the rails. We can believe whatever you want. Yeah, he's not going to hear this. He's not a fan. He used to be an attorney.

Oh, wow. So I do believe that divorces were cheaper. Oh, that makes sense. Right? Like, you can represent yourself. And he probably worked the paperwork so he wouldn't get charged. Yeah, get fired. Representing yourself. Classy move, him and Ted Bundy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. What the fuck. Bad guys always pull women. Like these kind of charming. Dude, my dad is very good looking.

Oh, okay. Very good looking, very smart, very funny, and I hate to give all those compliments. Sociopaths are often trying funny. Yeah. I mean, dude, if he was sitting here with us, you like him more than me. There's not a chance. No, knowing this about him, I can't, I would never like him. I think you'd be like, she's foolish shit.

If you're about him, you know, it's kind of fucking rocks. Have you seen the Charlie Sheen dock? No, yeah. Reminds me of Charlie Sheen a little bit. Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, that's just like plenty of wives, drugs, booze, tattoos, the whole thing. But he didn't walk out in a kid. I think that's a pretty shitty thing to do for a parent.

Dude, the one that breaks my heart the most is my little brother. He's the only boy. But your older sister talks to him, but you and your brother don't. How was she able to talk to him? I honest to God, there is something weird that happens with the oldest sibling. Like, she was just as much dismissed and, like, maybe even more fucked up shit than me, if I'm being honest. But she, like, needs daddy's approval when more than me and my brother do. my little brother

God bless him I love that bitch Liam Collie his music name is Archie Summers Archie Summers He's very good So he's like Instagram would be

Archie Summers Yes So he got diagnosed as well About a year ago What are the odds Literally I don't even know the numbers

It's five That's my brother I'll fucking Sweet is that guy. A great head of hair. Right. Very nice. Archie.

Yeah. He's goofy as hell. I love him. But he had to talk about it was like a year ago. And my dad never reached out. Nothing. Wow. He never reached out to you at all either. What a piece of shit.

I know. Can we pull him up? I want to see. No, no. Don't pull on. All right. For us, we can. But don't put it.

No, I don't want to give him any shine, but I just curious how handsome he is. Do you want to see him? Yeah. Can I... Don't show this to the folks at home. There you go. Bleep. No, I think he's spelled it wrong.

No, that's it. You had it. I'm sorry, okay. I thought she said something else. Oh. Wait a minute. What the fuck? Uh-oh.

Wait. That's so funny It's all me You good You won You beat them I like that The ether

There he is No Oh god I was Wait take away Fiona Collie dad Sorry I'm too pretty And cool

That Wait that's not End this That's not at the jeweler Oh he's on the last picture Oh he is handsome I know

Let's see Damn, he's like a politician. Yeah. He's very good looking. Imagine him 20 years ago? Looks like Robert Mitchell. I know. Yeah, my mom is hotter than he is.

My mom is, okay, I kind of don't want them to know. She's the O'Dago. Yeah. Got it. That is an Italian last name. Look at it. that bitch. That's my mom.

I met her at the garden. She is with the real housewife? She's fucking hot. I know. And that bitch was a W or she was a D1 athlete. Whoa. For basketball. I'll give her a D1.

Jeez. Woo-wee. I'm so sorry. She is a. I just honed so hard. I think you have free drinks at a taxi. I'm going to. catch it yeah hello mom look at that hubba hubba damn mom they're on next week she's hot look at that

bitch she turned 60 in a couple days isn't that crazy milf alert right now who's got the bad jeans yeah both of them carry it looks like them together yeah she could have fucked anyone else The odds Horrible Yeah they're kind of insane I like our pretty shit I'm obsessed with her Great jet black hair

Italian as fuck And you guys talk a lot We talk Multiple times a day Every day I love it That's great I've never seen that hot ass headshot

The first one you pulled up Yeah, me neither Look at that I'll see you later Did she like In the new Batman movie Right Sorry

Yeah I keep talking about How my mom is On every podcast I'm going Gonna create a problem People are going to put it together Yeah well we're southern You know

Incess Our culture Wait you're from New Orleans Yeah Wait Wait Oh, I'll see you there. Have you ever been to one?

Yeah, I've been every single one they've had. Dude, this is my first one, and I have a lot of fears in my heart. Why? Sounds crazy. I mean, it's crazy, but it's, you'll be fine. Everyone who puts this, like, January 6 meets Juggalo meets Comic-Con vibe on there. Yeah, they're a peaceful people, they're respectful, they look like hell, but you're going to have a blast. They're going to treat you real nice.

The shows will be horrible. Yeah, great. Jetsky Johnson's going. Oh, yeah, I love Jetsky. She's a good old. Matt has her hoodie. Oh, yeah, I saw you wearing that yesterday. Yeah.

Where are you going? Where are you coming up on the road? Oh, yeah. Like right now? Oh, look at my dumb face. Oh, I love you on Punch Up. Yeah. Inia Beach.

Oh, Miami Improv's great. Hell yeah. Dude, Miami don't fuck. with me, they know I can't swim. So we got Dania Beach. Yeah, that's great. The Fort Lauderdale. Doroa.

Dorel, that's basically Miami. It's like Franklin and Nashville. St. Petersburg, December 5th, December 6th. Then Louisville, Kentucky. Oh, that's cool up on that club. Louisville. Louisville. Louisville.

I'm mad of you. You got to slur it. You kind of got to have my accent to say it. Fort Wayne, Indiana at Summit City Comedy Club, nice, Appleton, Wisconsin at Skyline, man, they got you jumping around and then Chandler, Arizona, Mike Drop Mania,

you're on the road, you're hitting it hard, I love it. San Diego, Mike Drop Comedy in January. This is the first time I'm learning about any of it. Plano, Texas. Yeah, I'm starting to do weekends. Hell yeah. It's how you grow. I'm very excited.

I will say the thing, like, definitely Braddock is to my show. I'd love to see you. I won't roll over your toes. But I know, it's kind of nice. Yeah, well, we can...

Weekends are great because we'll do, like, a Friday in Vegas, Saturday in Denver, and you've got to fly and jump around and get on a bus. The weekend, you get, like, you're there Thursday until Sunday. You get work done. It's nice.

Yeah, I'm excited to be able to get, like, friendly with the hotel staff. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Good point. I'm a girl, so I need to know. Yeah. Um. I think, yeah, are you out?

You're good? Oh, shit. You're right. You're right. There's one swig. Get in there. Just bar wash. Sip it.

All right. Well, yeah, check out Fiona. You don't have a pod yet. I do have a pod. Oh, she's got a pod. It's got a pod. ramping up. Ramping up.

I love it. I love the title. Yeah. No, gee. We couldn't afford it. Call me. Yeah, if you don't call me, it's like Vana Callie,

but I'm a dumb bitch. Yeah, it's me and Matt. It's real fun. I love it. All right. Again, subscribe to that shit. Yeah, check out ramping up. I think, yeah, it's the end of the year

So, yeah I'm going back to Salt Lake City for a second This year, Wise Guys, November 14th through 16th And Reno, Nevada Two shows at the Atlantis Casino And then December 4th, Carnegie motherfucking hall I hope I should That's amazing

Let's do it Yeah I've done that. Live slash Sam Merell Yeah, I wish I went with you Jimmy Carr did our pod And he was like, come to Carnegie Hall And I was like, I'm fucking tired You went

No, I've done the Reno one. It's fun. It's big. Yeah. But it's fun. Why ain't selling those out? It's not. Hey, you might. You might. Lincoln Theater in D.C. Chocolate City. Kodak Center in Rochester, Niagara Falls, San Diego, Prior Lake, Minneapolis.

I'm taking a breather after I shoot this special. Hopefully we shoot something else. No. Yes. Code Cueve. I can't. That's my promo code. That's awesome But yeah

Follow Fiona on social media And see her on the road And listen to a podcast She's great And it's great to I never really like chat with you This is great I know

And check out her TEDX Yeah It should be out When this comes out Yeah Yeah Drink bodega cat whiskey Bodecaat whiskey

Do you like it It's so good Matt's obsessed with it He's chugging a bottle bag there It's a problem Hell yeah. You guys out and about tonight? You doing anything?

We want to. I'm thinking, what are we thinking? Come by the cellar. Yeah. Are you all headed? I'm going to go up there, I think. I want to see Derek Strip, but the show started six. Oh.

I know. He's only on one show? Well, it's his show. Oh, he's doing an hour. He's doing an hour. Damn. Well, you're there. I'm there late.

I'm there like 10. I'm there early. He's there late. So you'll see, if you come early or late, see one of us. I like it. Yeah. We'd love to have you.

All right. Thank you, Fiona. Thank you. Take it easy, folks. Quiff it up, comedy. Sunday's a day for my next fender. A bit of fever wreck. You know the future's close.

I've had a little too much bourbon. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking post. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cow. coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans this woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same way

We might be true