We Might Be Drunk - Ep 260: Pete Holmes

Episode Date: December 1, 2025

No one riffs like Pete Holmes. The boys sit down with the King of Whimsy for a wild ride of comedy philosophy, stroke stories, Seinfeld deep dives, porno charts, music bits, youth pastor energy, and the eternal mystery of the trumpet. Plus, they break down the art of delivery, the curse of crowd work, LA vs NYC hangs, kid-fucking Mike callbacks, and why Pete wants comedians thrown off stage by ICE. A classic WMBD hang. Sponsored by: Shop Mint Unlimited Plans at https://MINTMOBILE.com/WMBD Give the gift of smooth this holiday season with The Performance Package 5.0 Ultra. Get 15% OFF your entire order with code WMBD at https://Manscaped.com Take advantage of Ridge’s Biggest Sale of the Year and GET UP TO 47% Off by going to https://www.Ridge.com/DRUNK #Ridgepod Go to https://Lucy.co/DRUNK and use promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets @GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #PeteHolmes #MarkNormand #SamMorril #MintMobile #Manscaped #RidgeWallet #Lucy #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #BodegaCatWhiskey Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have you guys ever been near panic attack on stage? I don't think so. I've been near shitting. I just had a club. Where was I? Maybe I'll leave out where I was. It's better. But I was doing a club this was about a week ago.

Late Friday. Lady in the front. Lovely lady. Meaning I had engaged with her a couple times. And I don't really do crowd work. So she was talking to me. And so I was addressing her. her and you know being nice and everything towards the 45 minute mark i only know that because

you'll see she collapses whoa she falls i look up there's like a commotion and she's on the ground and she's going i'm i'm okay and of course i go like vaccine vaccine the microtips are working i forgot that my illuminati up i had set it to go off right before i closed no she uh she kind of had like a head wrap that could have gone either way maybe she was struggling with something I know it's it's hard to riff on the subject but she did fall and it was impossible to continue head wrap before or after the head wrap was sort of like like she might have been oh no no not not gauze like a like a stylish head wrap but that might have conveyed chemotherapy okay I would say don't if someone's got gauze

on the head don't sit them up front no no no no no but I you know I you know I I just was like, I don't know what, I was just honest. That's always the best move, right? I was like, I don't know what to do. I could keep going. I tried, like, a couple quick jokes and they got laughs, but they're these types of laughs. Like, our health is so real.

When you see someone down, and they got her up, but down. Here's the sweet punchline, though. I'm not going to make it about me. I was going to say I have really sweet fans. I'm trying to compliment them. The people at their table. strangers, had a wheelchair. Went and got

it. Whoa. A wheelchair was in almost immediately after I got off stage. And I was like, you guys just have a wheelchair? They were like, those are the people that they were with, and they paid their bill. I was like, that's so sweet. They were just like, we got her bill, we got her wheelchair. Keep the wheelchair. I think wheelchairs are like, keep the wheelchair,

right? Yeah, yeah. You keep that. You come back a week later, you're like, I want that. Where's that chair? It's like Tupperware. It's a little bit like Tuberware Yeah Wow So that just happened

That must have been one at the club No one travels with a wheelchair Loose No I think they had it in their car Oh But why would they have a spare chair A spare chair Yeah why

These are the good Chimeridens You book home You get a clip You book home to you get a clip Hey you were CSA gau I was sitting on gauze a strip For about a half hour

I didn't want to interrupt But yeah yeah Wow, spirit chair. Even God's humor, I won't do. I had a guy of a stroke in my crowd once. And, uh, remember stand-up Scottsdale? Of course. Yeah.

Where the host would, the owner was the host. Yeah, he ran the club. He'd do 45. Do 45, and then he would, yeah, he'd do a lot of that, too. Do 45 rails. And tell, like, I shouldn't. No, he's a nice guy. I like him.

Like, kind of hard stories. Oh, yeah. And then he'd be like, make sure you give us five stars. I'm like, he can't do that in the middle of the set. You can't like shit on religion and then be like, make sure you give us a high rating. You know, whenever I'm in New York, I remember this. And I don't, I am going to say this,

I'm not dragging anybody. Just when you're starting, I feel like in New York especially, you run into more Bill Hicks kind of inspired guys and girls. In fact, the person I'm thinking of was a woman. Her closer was about Jesus having anal sex. but like it wasn't just that it was so risque it was like not really hot it was a little hot I had to go up rock hard but I did always follow her and I would go up I'd have to excuse myself through everyone leaving like that's that was her that sounds like a bit but like she just walked

I was going to say that was her light that's how she knew to wrap it up was when no one was left but but she was a funny person I'm just saying she had rough rough I I I I heard the C-word. When I first got to New York, you never, unless it was a British, you know, maybe you'd hear from... Right, a Jeffries. It's software out of a Brit or an awesome.

It is. Yeah. Twat to twat. Twat. Twat is kind of cute. I like twat. I'd put a baby to sleep with twat, twat, twat. It's fine.

But I heard so many C-words. And I, at that time, was like, like, and I thought I represented the audience. I thought it was me in Bargatsy. I thought I had, and we were kind of like in the back waiting to go up after like two and a half hours of really hard stuff. Two and a half. Why is she going so long? Oh, no, she didn't do two and a half.

I mean the whole show. And then we go at the end. But it was a real start at seven. Start at eight. We're on a half hour chunk. Because you were clean back in the day. I was clean, much, much cleaner than I am now. Not that you're filthy, but.

No, no, I know. But I am dirtier than people think. Got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I won't say C. I'll say see if it comes up. I had a bit where I would imply the word, the C word. And sometimes, especially in places like stand-up scots, people would go, say it, say it.

Right. And, like, I took offense at that. I was like, you think I won't say? Like, you think I'm like, what do you think this is? Like, I'm flying the plane. I'm not saying it because it's funnier to watch you say it in your mind. Like, don't, I have a real, like, competitive. even though I'm clean

if you test me I'll be like no I'll do whatever it takes to make you have you've had sex like what are these people think in Britain that's not true I wish I wish I missed my chance that club was like that club was like all I remember the dude had a stroke in the audience

and I was just on stage and I was like I got a good laugh and then I saw a bottle get kicked over I was like oh I guess I'm really killing no he's having a stroke I was like oh shit so I had to stop the show and that guy Howard was like just call an ambulance and I get off stage,

and Howard's like, I'll kill some time. And I was like, fuck. He's doing crowd work with the stroke guy while we waited for an ambulance. And I was like, you gotta just let him have a stroke. And he's, by the way, that's like the most obvious, I hear that a lot in crowd work. You talk to a drunk person.

Then you say, are you having a stroke? Like, that's like, yeah, that's right in your pocket. That's true. If they're incoherent here and you say, is this guy having a stroke, big laugh. This guy is having a stroke. And then Howard's like, it's going to be cool. I've had a stroke.

I'm like, yeah, but you had a stroke from like 16 Red Bull. and Coke. Like, it's your fault you had a stroke. When God gives you the stroke. This guy's an older guy. It's just, you know, happen. But, yeah, he seemed okay when they got him out, but you're like, holy shit. Yeah, you're like, do I go back up?

Yeah. A friend of mine had a stroke in college, and he was from doing, like, too many sit-ups. What? Like, he was really going for it. And they said he had his hands. This is a theory. I don't think they ever really know if, unless you're like a celebrity. And they're like, let's really go in there and find out why DeKovny's stroke.

I shouldn't have curse. Dukovni. I met Alan Duccovney. Start the Y files. So anyway, he... The truth is out there. Thank you. Thank you. I knew you wouldn't leave me a little. He's okay. I want to believe he's okay. Okay. Are the refs done? Anyway, he ripped a tendon on his neck and it's sent a clot. So he's like 23 or in incredible shape and I went to see him in the hospital and I like patch Adam to his ass. Like I wouldn't stop doing bits. Yeah. All the doctors. You must have felt incredible, too.

It did. Because you're like, I'm stronger than you in this moment. You used to be stronger, and now I win. I knew I was right about not doing setups. Well, Teddy Bruske, the linebacker, remember, he had a fucking stroke. He's in the NFL. He was, like, one of the best players in the NFL. He had a stroke.

I worry about the amounts of, I don't know. I feel like we're in a weird time where it's like, you want to be healthy? Eat a cow's face. Like, I think that's going to catch up to us. Yeah. I'm just saying it in the same way that in the 90s. where we were like, eggs are good, eggs are bad. What is it?

Meat is having a moment. Big moment. And I think it's going to bite us in the butt. I do. Meat and cold water. Everybody's going to have a cold shower, an ice plunge. Oh, yeah, yeah, the ice plunging. Yeah, ice plunging, guilty on that one.

Oh, yeah? It feels pretty good. I love it. You feel good after. I feel it all day. That's why, and I'm a real addict, so I'm chasing those, like, sober highs. Oh, baby. That's why.

Are you sober? I don't drink. I smoke a little bit, and I do psychedelic, so I can. can't claim sober, but I do love the ice. Nobody in the ice isn't chasing something. Clip that and send it to Trump.

I love ice, I endorse ice. Love ice, love an ice bath. I got to clean these guys. Get them out there. Get them out there nice and clean. Hey. You don't want an aroma giving you away. I don't like riffing on this topic because it's so sad, but I'm bound by the laws of yes and.

Comic first. You know what I mean? We should have ice for comedians. Like if they steal jokes or they're too hacky, be like, call ice, and they come pull them off stage. I think that's called Threads. Right. Nice. Yeah. Wait, what is Threads? Because that was the sponsor. It's the Twitter. It's Instagram's Twitter or, you know, you can comment and post jokes. It's like left-wing Twitter now. Wait, but the New York Comedy Fest was brought to us by Threads.com. Was that that? Was it? Oh, threads.com is a clothing company. Ah. Okay. How did he let that happen? Who? Trump? No, Zuckerberg. I'm putting the

off you know. Trump? Oh, no. I was so ready when a guy has an impression. You know, Keith Robinson had a stroke from Viagra. Is that what it was? Yeah, got the heart. In the altitude, yeah. I mean, it's the least sympathetic stroke story. A boner stroke? Yeah, he was going to Phoenix to get ass. Yep. And instead of going to the hospital, he went to go get the ass. Wait. Well, that's the key. If you're having a stroke, go to the hospital now. Right. Right. My buddy that had one, he also said, it's going to sound stupid, but he was like, don't push on the toilet. Because that's what kind of like got it over the hump. What?

So this is what makes the clot. So that's now just like a free floating thing. And then there has to be some sort of push. But that makes sense so because you're stressed. I mean, that's like a stress shit. Bro, and we're back to meet. I'd like to see the BMs of these carnivore guys. John Wayne's butthole.

I'd love to see John Wayne's. You've heard, right? What? No. John Wayne, like when he died, they were. We were like, this guy ate way too much red meat. Oh, really? Yeah.

This is like when you find out the Bob Marley Dreadlock thing isn't real. Wait, what's that? Remember when they were like, they found 800 species of bugs, and it was just like a racist guy started a rumor. I never heard that one. You know it started as a, like a racist joke. Sure. Like, you found it, and then it became a fact.

It's not real. You know what's talking about Bob Marley? His toe killed him. It was a toe cancer. One little toe. No. You can't just take it off? It spread too quickly or what?

I think in the Rastafari religion. This is another racist joke coming. You're going to leave the toes on or whatever. He died from tow kids? Yeah, to kick a soccer ball one day. He was like, ah, my toe went in, killed him. Yikes. Yeah.

The soccer ball seems like somebody who didn't know what happened made it up. I don't know if he was kicking a soccer ball in a big field. Yeah, and what's to deal with John Wayne's? I think it was seven pounds of undigested meat in his stomach when he died. Oh, that's like a Bonnie Blue. I'll say this just because I think it's useful. The guy that used to be on the biggest loser, which I've never seen. So it's one of the trainers was a big, like, keto, only me, just me.

And I'm not here to give health advice. I'm just saying that dude had a stroke at like the peak of his health. Whoa. And it's now a pretty loud voice to be like, guys, fiber. Right. I said not that loud after the stroke. No, he's okay, actually. Because he was incredibly fit, so he bounced back.

So do my friend, by the way. But that's a crazy thing, though, but yeah, anything in moderation, like, why are you eating meat, like, 21 meals a week? I run a risk for that, and it's an addict thing, too. Addicts really. With meat? It's black and white thinking is, like, that's why, like, people in cold plunges, I love it. I love a cold plan, and then you get in the hot tub. Like, I love extremes. My wife makes fun of me.

She's like, you like to be real cold. You like to be real hot. Like, there's no middle way. And it's the same. Like, if I were doing carnivore, it would make perfect sense to me. Because I'd just be like, just this! Yeah. I think it's a comic thing, too.

I don't want to waste time thinking about it. So if you just tell me what to eat, you'll talk a little bit. You look good, what are you eating? Right. Remember? In the supermarket? Sure. You look all right.

Oh, yeah. You don't know what to do is you just ask people. Just what are you eating? Right, right. And it's like, mosquito. What? Is that made for mosquitoes? That's one of those bits you'd think of and go, I would never say that out loud.

and then it's his all act. That's absolutely true. I forgot Mesquite made from Mosquitoes. Oh, yeah. That's on, uh, telling you for the last time. What is Miss? By the way, you're not going to meet a bigger Seinfeld fan. Oh, you're talking to him. Oh, dude, I love the thing you did in your show with it, the, with DeRosa.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to meet Jerry and he said I love New Material Signs. Wow. So he came up to me, yeah, and that's what I did. And then I immediately realized I shouldn't have done that. Like what Mark is doing. is what I did. And I watched him being like,

I guess we're not going to be friends. Oh, wow. I just think I freaked him out. I won't flatter myself. I didn't freak him out, but I wasn't cool. I could have been like, oh, thanks, man. But I was like, I did. Just go up to, oh, my God.

It's like, either I could have a one and three thousand chance of maybe becoming his friend by being cool, or I could just get the lump sum now and have the fun of being like, Holy shit! You either repressed that feeling for a lottery ticket to maybe be his real friend. I think I made the right choice. You know what the problem is, is when a guy at that level compliments you, it's a hot chick moment.

Of course. And if you're like, who's the hot chick? Well, no, Jerry. He is. And you just got to play it cool. Yeah. But like, but yeah, the instinct is like, how can I make this funny? That's why I think like Burr and Bargatsi, they can be friends because Nate would have been like, oh, thanks, mine.

You're right. thanks and Bill would have been like cool you don't fucking mean it you know what Trump would have said Trump would have been like thank you I've been working on that bit new material Mike Pence he'd come out he had his puppet I can beat you though I got a worse one

I when I first met him this is signing 19 years ago yeah he was at the creek watching Colin Quinn and I was like oh my God Jerry's at the creek in the cave of all places smelling the dead mice yeah in Long Island City and I went up to it I went are you a master of your domain

and he just turned around and walked away oh my god no word said I and then he went up to Rodney Dangerberry's like I heard you don't get any respect that's very good shut the fuck up all right so funny get it done a friend of mine actually the professor who encouraged me to go into comedy

changed my life his name is Mark Steivick I love him he just a little plug I don't know patreon dot stevick Thanks a lot, Steveick. Steveing. You guys are very good at finding the funniest thing in Paris. There we go. That was fun.

To be mad at Stevek for getting me into comedy is what most people would need a four-minute break to like brainstorm. And he just immediately were like, thanks a lot to Steve. Oh, yeah. Very, very funny. Anyway, he met David Mamet who wrote Glenn Gary Glenn Rolls. Yeah, one of the best. And he went up to, and we were like Jerry, because I know this from comedians and cars, Jerry is also obsessed with Glenn Gary Glen Ross.

A lot of comics are obsessed with Glenn Gary. Oh, yeah. Brass balls. It reminds me of the cellar. There's like a feeling. Everybody knows their place. Where are you on the board? It's show business.

There's a lot of Shelley Levine's at the cellar. I got to follow Moss. And there's a lot of Williamson. There's a lot of like gatekeeping kind of like, why do I have to listen to this person, in the special when you're coming up. But anyway, he goes up to Mammett and he goes, have you made your decision for Christ?

Which is a line from Alec Baldwin's speech. He always be closing. A always be, I think. Oh, A-I-D-A. Yeah, Colin Quinn comes in falafels for closes, you fucking pussies. But he took the same swing you did. I think it also fell flat, but at least you had that

micro moment. And now we're cool. So it took, I was like 23. You got it out of the way, and now he gets you. And, like, he loves you, dude. I mean, he really, it's cool, but. He's coming on here. He is?

Yeah. He's got the text. They're coming to Carnegie Hall, too. Whoa. December 4th. Don't know when that's coming out. Wait, what? Yeah.

What about Carnegie Hall? They're coming to Carnegie Hall. I got the text. Take the Fs out, the C's out. Yeah. Wait, you're, I'm doing it at Carnegie Hall. And they said they're coming. Oh, they're going to come.

So, yeah, I'm going to clean up the act a little. Yeah. What have I just become a complete fucking, I just work clean to impress them? That can't be his only thing. No, no, no, no. You say dirty words? No, no, we're kidding. He loves Bernie Mac and Richard Pryor.

I remember Roger Hales. I remember Roger Hales. Sure, the best-looking guy in comedy. The best-looking guy. Handsome dude. I remember his bits. Me too. I remember some of those bits, too.

We're going to get you a blazer. Hell, yeah, you are. Yeah, it sounds cooler than it is. He had a great bit. He's like, ever meeting a midget is like an audition to be normal, you know? Oh, that's. Wow. You know, so you're like, oh, have a bit.

I go, I'm so proud of myself. I have a seven-year-old daughter and a guy came to fix my garage and he had an eyepatch and I just ignored it. I couldn't have been more proud of myself. The bit is cut, by the way. People sometimes don't like

when I'm making fun of a guy with an eye patch for some really. I started going like everybody stares at it. They should sell ads on it. People, this blank space is brought to you by square space. Well, they're dissecting if it's okay to laugh at while you're telling it. What's that?

They're thinking, is this okay to laugh at while you're And then you're just like, it is. Just trust me. And it gets, often I'll cut a bit because it just takes so much energy to be like, no, I'm telling you. Like, the joke isn't about him. It's about me being proud of myself that I talk to a guy with an eyepatch. Like, he didn't. You know how badly I wanted to be like, will it be ready Friday?

You know what I mean? And I think that's funny because I'm the joke, not him. And I'm like, he got back from some caper, seaplane. There are all these great lines in it. Square space, blank space. Love it. to get applause or it would get zero so it's gone. I think I cut it at Wise

guys. Wow. Really? That seems like, eh, who cares? I patch. Is that offensive? Sometimes you go to Utah and they're actually more down. That's true. You either get a flavor. They're either kind of from 30 Rock or they're like a metal band or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're hardcore there. Well, they can't drink coffee. They can't watch porn.

They can't drink alcohol. So they got to go the other way. They got to go tattoos and Mohawks. What's with all these like supposed freedom states and then no porn. It is a little weird, right? It's in my new special. I got a bit about it. Well, look, I grew up religious, and there's a weird fun fact that when, remember

when you have to buy your porn in the hotel, when a, and I say this with both, it's funny and a heavy heart, because I was one of these guys, when a youth pastor convention or a religious convention would come through the holiday and porn through the roof. It was a bunch of pastors by themselves. Because, of course. Yeah. So I hate to be so obvious, but the protest too much thing, the guy that's the most homophobic, he's gay. Right.

The guy that's like, we got to make porn illegal in Tennessee. Right. Bro, his search words are hard. They're hard. Yeah, they go harder than any of us. Yes. Pull this chart up. The only good thing about the no point, like if you go to Texas or Utah, one of these states and you're in your hotel and you jack off and you can't get on, you're just like, fuck it, I'm going old school.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know that. You look off to your thoughts and you're like, you're proud of yourself. That's too hard. You can't do it. I'm past that. I'm too far gone. You think of like a fucking, like a part of a woman's back or something.

You figure it out. What are you on? Gary Glenn Ross. What was that? Brass balls? What? The great fucks you had in your life. What do you remember?

Yes. I think about that all the time. The orgasm. Right. With some sound, she made something her eyes. Yes. Anyone else hard? I made blah, blah.

We were sending each other a son of a woman clips. Oh, yeah. Like how he just decided. to do that voice. Oh, yeah. Nobody told him. That was like Black Pacino. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was like a soul man. And nobody wanted to tell him. Nobody wanted to tell him. But big swing. He won an Oscar. How's your skin, son? I like my age to be clean. I had a blog briefly, and it was called

The History of My Skin by Charles Sims, which is what he says. Yeah. The history of my skin by Charles Sims. It's a fucking great blog name. It's a bunch of children in this auditorium. He goes, if I was a man, I was 10 years ago, I'd take a flame.

throw it in this place. I'm like kill all these people. You're gonna kill the children? Fuck you too! Phil Hoffman, Phil Hoffman's showing us that he's a king, too. He's a kid and a king. He's the best. She had a great ass. Different movie? Different movie.

I was, I'm with you, but I want you to know for the comments. Damn, what about say hello to my little friend? That's actually from must love dogs. Pull up the chart of porn and the most watched porn on each state. I want to say, I do want to say to you, no morals, you're fucking your dopamine.

Like, somebody needs to tell you that. Oh, I'm not, I'm not, this isn't about me. I'm just saying it's interesting to see, like, in Utah, it's all interracial. And every state goes the other way, you think it would. Like if it's like a racist state, red state, it's very, fuck my wife, black guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why did I just see a nipple with pills around it? How do they find a way? There we go. Yeah, let's go state by state. They're all the opposite. I love that you guys my dopamine. He's a football. Oh.

This isn't about me. Yeah, well, I thought you were to do some Born Again lecture. I got nervous. I told you no morality. But yeah. Oh, lesbian's big in the southwest. I'll say, you know why I like lesbian? Much higher chance they're enjoying it.

There's an attunement, you know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, milf. This is this pretty good. Wow, Nebraska's just in a cream pie? That's Nebraska, good for you. That's actually the food. Lesbian is Texas

Hentai never watched it What's Hittai? Is that anime? Japanese Where is it? Wow. Ebony anal. If you're typing Ebony and you're under 60 Do you even know what this is?

Giantess? What's that? I don't know. I'm guessing a big person, right? That can't be that popular in Massachusetts This chart is all often, right? This is no come challenge. This is fake.

Yeah, yeah, you found. That's fake. Okay, let me find out. Lesbian. I don't want to know. All right. You ask you to, when you're in one of those states, and they ask you to type in your driver's license, and you're like, fuck you. I'm going right to Twitter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's some hidden sites out there. Oh, this is this real? Teen, in Texas? Interesting. That's bad. Yeah, zoom in, Zellkees. It's kind of...

Cream pie. Definitely not in Texas, because you've got to keep it. This seems fake, man. Colpillation seems fake. That's really fine. Compilation of what? I do compilation. Yeah, but...

What is compilation? I know. I know. Oh, yeah, please. Lecture me. Well, I want a little everything. No, no, no, no. Oh, wait, a compilation?

Do you just do a general compilation? Yeah, general. Oh, okay. So you get a little everything. I know what you're talking about. When I was a kid and I saw my first porn, the previews for the porn for the best because it was bang, bang, bang, bang. That's all you need. But you got to, please Google porn dopamine.

Please do it. Just go with a straight compilation, because I'll be right about to go and they throw a gay guy scene on there. And you're like, no, I'm finished. Right about to go. Jerry likes this guy He did the dice The Brad about to go He's like, I like him

That was me cleaning up I'm about to go I could have said way worse First thing he said to me Master of the way He's not The master of his domain When he comes that chart's going to be full

home screen Just for when he sits down I think Jerry probably likes Porn on a car I would imagine Porn on the Cob I love porn on the car That's rotisterous

I like watching a girl and get shocked Come on, if you want to do puns Oh, right, don't show His eyes are going to bleed What are you doing? Car porn, it was just all Carporn? Yeah, people are fucking cars

Big, comedians and cars Getting porn Getting porn, getting porn Getting blown A woman's sucking a muffler What are you doing? No, you're banging the car By the Michelin Man, though

He's like, the one time I'm not soft Roll on this. Mr. Goodrich. Yeah, there it is. All right. All right. BF, I'm just going BF. It hurts with a Z?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it hurts. It hurts. It hurts so good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. This is our whole enterprise. So what does it do to the day? Hey, I liked it.

I liked it. Avis? No. And you know what? I could have paid less. I got this horror on a... Got her on a budget. Nice.

That's the one. Okay. That's the one. How nervous are you being Jerry's friend? Because when I've known people, and a few times in my life, I've been getting close with a super famous person.

Oh, yeah. And I notice that everyone in their friend group is terrified of being cut. That's like, so very generous, nice people that bring you on vacations and stuff. If Mark hasn't been cut yet, he's not going to get cut. Yeah. He's taking some swings.

Yeah, yeah. Just my act or my tweets or whatever. Yeah. He's on board. Really? Well, he's a fun guy. Everybody, like, remember when you first watch comedian, you saw him cursing?

He's like, this fucking guy, fuck's it. When I saw him, he said, Mother's suit. When I saw him, he said he watched you on Kill Tony, and he was like, Mark's Quick. And I was like, yeah. Look at that. Mark's quick. I said the N-word.

He loved it. I love it. I'm about everything. That word, Santon. I get to, because Neil Brennan is one of my close friends, and he's friends with Jerry. And Neil is so sweet. He's like a big brother. You know what I mean?

I don't say that loosely. He really has that energy. And he'll. And it's because he's the littlest brother. He had to, like, he had to transfer that. It works for both of us. He likes being the big brother, probably, very sweet guy. And like, I told Neil, I was like, when I go on the road, I feel like an assassin.

You know, you sit in your hotel, you peer out the window, and people are like, did you bring your bathing suit? I'm like, I'm here to kill the governor. And he told Jerry that. And then he told me that Jerry loved it. And then Jerry added, you open up the case, there's the foam with the microphone. Oh, yes. And I was like, I'm sorry. Jerry's building on my bit.

I also had a moment where I asked a friend. A friend was over my house. She's female. I think that's important. And I had a letter that I needed to mail. Okay. I gave it to her. I said, will you put this in your mail?

I just said, you know, I'm about to leave town. Will you put that in your outgoing mail? Will you put a stamp on it and mail it for mail? A stamp too is a big ass. That's an important. In this day and age, it's really annoying. Maybe I had the stamp. I'm not just going to get it up.

I had the same way. I said, well, you put that in your outgoing mail? And she took such offense. And I was like, you're already, I'm leaving. You can just put it? Like, so I felt like it was curb. Carol Lefer does my podcast. She tells Larry that.

And Larry was on my side. And I was like, this is. Stamp or no stamp's a big part of this story? There was a stamp. Okay. Well, then you're in the right. Pretty good stamp. This is big.

It was big. That's the kind of, I'm like the hub of the wheel. I'm not in the, the mix. I'm not touching the ground, but I'm in the middle. They're aware of you. And I say something to this, and she says it to that, and it gets back to the hub. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah, yeah. There are a couple of cool

who are the people, your famous friend in your orbit that you're like nervous around? Oh, Donald Glover. He's very talented. He's just, I really get such Prince vibes from him. I've seen Donald at

parties. Prince Andrew? Prince Andrew? Prince Andrew. All right. I don't even cover the news and I get the cover. You know what I mean. Yeah. I just, look at this.

We can do that. Yeah, he's incredibly cool. He's like, fucking, what's the bear, Paddington? And I, and I watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and that's his body in Mr. and Mrs. Smith, because he didn't always have that body. No, he did not. And he got real jacked for that.

So when I'm talking to him, it's like when I met Michael Keaton, I'm not friends with Michael Keating. Whoa. Yeah, I know, that's a big one. And I'm like, it's Batman. I couldn't not be like, you're Batman. Wow. And that's Elvis Presley.

But, yeah, and Donald's really sweet. I love him. I wouldn't say we're close, but, like, we're friends. And when I'm with him, I'm not cool. I'm like, laughing too hard. It's not chill. I hung out with him. Before he was huge, we were in Montreal together, and I was drunk, and he was drunk.

And I was at the bar, and he sat at the seat next to me, and I was trash. And we started joking about a really ugly guy. And, you know, the whole thing was 20 minutes. We're laughing, howling. and then he walked away and I was like, who was that? Somebody's like,

that was Donald Glover and I was like, it was. Yeah. I didn't even look at him because, you know, I can't make eye contact.

But I was cool because I didn't know who he was. Yeah. But if I knew, if I knew he was, I would have floundered. Yeah, you would have, are you the master of your own?

Yeah. It's actually, it's good that you can't make eye contact. There you go. It's weird. Yes. It's actually kind of nice. I think you're very well-mannered.

Really? Like your mannerisms. I've never heard that in my entire life and I'll take it. I think your rehearsed, your compensations for your impulses are good. Oh, thanks. I'm trying to say something nice. That's very nice.

If you're uncomfortable, you do a good job masking it. Oh, thank you. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't say you're uncomfortable, and I like the amount of eye contact you give. It's about the same as Sam. Oh, all right, all right. But you give me more side. I like side.

Why have to look this way? No, I think he's in the harder seat. He is, but he's in the better seat for him. That's true. I feel like we're very comfortable, though. Yeah, well, we're, I've known to you for years, but yeah. Yeah, you didn't want to give it a number. He didn't want to take the swing.

I've known you for, I felt the hesitation. You're like, am I going to go for it? Too many crowdwork moments. How long have you been together? And the guy's like, oh, shit, you're going to get divorced, your piece of shit. You're like, ah, he's never going to come to a show again, stop yelling at him. You know what I've been stepping in three times this month is, is this the father. Why am I asking that?

What does that mean? Because there's a moment in my act. That's crazy. I don't do crowdwork. per se. But there are moments in my act because I want to snap myself out of it, to be honest. I don't want to just be doing the act.

So I'll go, does anybody have young kids? And then I learned this from Dov Davidoff. He's so good at it. Delia does the same bit. That is so funny. Same compliment. A five-hour writer's room break. Nobody's going to top

that. Funny as a thing, you went right to the top, and you had it and you said it like it was nothing. It was fucking great. so sometimes a young woman in the front will say I have a kid I go how old we talk just a little bit usually it's just me going like oh my god I can't believe you're here hang in there and then I've been going is this the father and it just hasn't been the father like three times and I'm like why am I even saying is this the father you only do the crowdwork to help the next big that's exactly right and then you're going well me being a dad it's like

fucking stop saying is this the father well dangerfield definitely did on those albums where you're like you could tell he's like I don't want them to get sick at this rhythm I don't want this to get baked in their mind so I have to do I saw Mitch Hedberg and I'm not one of the greats and around 40 minutes I could have used so what's up with you I could see that and it's because you're changing the channel

every 30 seconds has nothing to do with how brilliant he was exactly Stephen writes the same way why is it worse that these guys are better I've seen Jesuit do it too I mean it's like that rhythm you need to you need to dip into a little bit yeah he goes he goes the story then he riffs on the joke itself, so he's smart about it. How are they responding?

Yes. Sometimes you don't, I don't want to ask anybody what they do, but I'll talk about how they're doing. That's a big area for me. It's like, you're watching me, I'm watching you. You guys are a little, you're feeling a little seven here I'm doing you. Feeling a little seven. Why? I just, I think you're very infectious.

Well, the first time I saw, not to keep bringing it back to Jerry. Please. Please. Okay. When he does, tell you for the last time, he opens with, he gets a standing O and he goes, I love the Standing Oak because there's always that one guy who doesn't want

to do it he's like we're doing this now and I remember being as a kid going whoa how do you do that

he made a bit out of the thing that just happened and on the CD am I out Seinfelding you right now hold on

hit me because he opens with I can't believe you're here I don't know I know how you got tickets

yes tickets Broker yeah Broca and then he goes not a very good one I see

huge applause huge the album of I'm telling you for the last time because what I started to say was you'll never meet a bigger Seinfeld fan and then I don't love the video of

I'm telling you for the last time because as a comic I feel like I can see that he didn't really want to do it He's going like this in between bits Like he can't What do you mean? He didn't want to do a special or what? It's literally called I'm telling you for the

I'm not roasting him saying like he's retiring it Right He did it by popular demand He doesn't want to do the Halloween bit straight or snap it broke he doesn't want to do it and you can tell but on the album it's early in the tour

and he's having a fun time he does lines you don't see in the HBO the HBO I really was like this guy's not having right that's a real premium for me I'm watching performers to go like are they allowing themselves to drop in and really be there and have even if it's I've seen Jessel Nick

do it like you don't have to be the kind of guy that talks about it yeah but I want to know they're there and Jerry did seem little over it. Well, end of the tour is tough because you are sick of the jokes. Sure. Film in the middle, baby. Yeah. But then you lose lines. You lose lines. And then the worst is when you tape and you're still doing some of those jokes on the road to survive and you're like, I got a better ending. I know. It always happens. Every time. There was, I have a special about to come out. I think it'll be on YouTube and there's this moment where I'm doing God at a

typewriter basically. He's going like this. Okay. And I kind of have to tell you what the bit is. about, I don't think God is mad at you. If there is a God, I'm saying, I don't think he's mad at you. I think it's stupider to think God is mad at you. Like, I'm like, if you don't believe in God, that makes perfect sense. If you do believe in God, that fine, but what makes no sense is if you think that God is mad at you. Yeah.

That's the part that I don't get. I go, that's like J.K. Rowling being mad at Harry Potter. And I go like this going, he did what? Right. It's his big laugh. And then later, after I taped, I started going like this. He did what? That you wouldn't believe.

Interesting. Infuse the whole thing, made the ending better. Just, like, I think people didn't, I don't know why they like it so much, but the typewriter slide. I'll tell you why. Because God hasn't even gone up to computers. That's gold. He's God. It's their bit.

They get the pleasure of going like, because, of course, he has a typewriter. Yeah, that's gold. Yeah, it's true. But that doesn't make mistakes? I'm, what's that? Because God doesn't make mistakes? You think he has Whiteout? Whiteout up there?

Whiteout's all in hell. No, absolutely, God, I love, I do miss these New York comic moments. Like, there's a rhythm and a, I'm just enjoying this. Well, you're out in L.A. We like jokes. We like jokes. Oh, yeah. Well, you guys don't hang as much in L.A. because it's like you're in and out. I see those shows.

Sometimes, sometimes, I feel like the hang and I do in L.A. is when someone drops in, the show is pushed back. And I'm like, oh, I haven't seen you a while and it's a hang. But it's not like, you're not doing like three in a, the seller were forced to hang. You have three in a night. And also just New York, and I said this as a positive, it's just kind of harsh. And when you're finally there at the table, you made it. Sounds like a sign photo.

You made it. Like, I don't eat meat, but when I lived in New York, I didn't eat meat. Then I come to New York to visit, and I'd really want to eat meat. And sometimes I would. Because it was like this feeling of like, I made it. Sorry, chicken. Yeah. Like, it was hard for me too.

Because there's something about it. Sure. That's like your cigarette. It is. It was like a cigarette. And smoking makes a lot more sense in New York as well. Yeah. Drinking makes more sense in New York. Porn?

Porn, probably. Anything you can do to self-soothe and jack your dopamine. Will you please Google it? I believe it. I believe it. I've jacked my dopamine many times. But it's true. When I live outside of the city, so I'm like the worst of it, meaning I'll come in.

But I'll get to the show early. So if I'm at the comedy store and I'm on 8, I'll be there at like 7.30. Guess who else is there? Absolutely nobody. There's no hummus plate. There's nothing happening. Chalk table. No chuck table.

It's good, though, because you're forced to hang out with comics of different generations, which I love. There'll be some new guy at the table. There'll be like Greg Rogel. And it's, like, kind of cool that you're like, oh, this is just, like, you're forced to kind of be around people. No, it's true. Which is so freaking lost now with everyone just going at each other on social media and shit. Completely agree. Well, the alt scene, which you were.

quite a staple in back in the day. Yeah. That was all comics and communities and bar shows and little weird rooms. You know, Monday, it's this night. Tuesday's cabin. Thursday's whiplash, whatever. We'd all go there. Yeah.

Now it's all online, so everything's splintered and everything's individualized. And you're actually going, it's good and bad. You're going out to get the clip to get paid. You make like thousands of dollars from a good clip. And you can sell tickets off a good clip. And you can sell tickets and you can get big, maybe, I know I said, sound like an old guy, but you can possibly get big before you're ready to do a big show. Happens a lot.

Yeah, it does happen a lot. But I do miss that, the camaraderie because comedy is the closest thing I have to, like, a heritage and a culture. Same. I don't know that sounds kind of corny, maybe, but, like, you make it. Culture is a bunch of people agreeing things like, oh, you got to do a 30 before you do it. Yeah, yeah. You got to pay for your opener's hotel.

Right. This is our culture. Yes. And as I get older, I'm like, I'm glad I belong to something. It's great to belong. And then when you're in LA, you do belong to it less. That's why I'm glad I have Largo. I have a monthly show at Largo.

Oh, there you go. You hang at Largo. Yeah, like people are waiting to leave. Well, next time you let me know both of you, you come do my Largo, it's so fun. It's just, I'm spoiled. Really? It's the room where it's not the Ice House in Pasadena where they're juiced, so everything works. Crazy juiced.

They're so good that everything works. then you go, you'll delude yourself. I've got, I've started a lot of tours a few months early because I'm like, I got two hours of material. And then you go to a real place and you tell that story and you realize, like, Largo's like appreciating you. Right. They like that you're being you and they understand.

Like, I was telling the story. I just did it at Largo for the first time about turning down a hand job in Toronto. Take notes, my son. Okay. I'm just kidding. I've never turned one down. No, that's what I mean.

Even for me, sometimes I'm like, I've got to do this. Never. But it was because I, well, the reason of turning it down was because I don't want a hand job, but she was amazing at giving me a back massage. It was the best massage I had ever gotten. And I was traveling back and forth to Toronto, so my body was wrecked.

And I was like, please don't ruin this. Like that, to me, was the funniest part. It was that I was praying that she didn't ask. Because if you don't, I'll be back tomorrow. I don't want this to be a handjob palace. And this, to me, is the funny part. Is that, are you making a face?

Because I shouldn't say handjob palace? No, I love that. Okay. That's the name of my album. You know who can't drive? These hand job palaces. God damn, these damn panda kings, I'll tell you. Wow, that's an oldie.

That was a real golden noodle. Wow. That was one of the great. That was like your first big bit. Big bit. It was a great. I remember where I was. By the way, we should say what this is so people are listening to know if they don't know

China is not that bad of a slogan. It's a man from China. And even that, believe it or not, this is before, I don't know, things had gotten a little bit more, I don't know what I'm trying to say. I remember thinking that was very edgy. Yeah. Oh, really? I couldn't believe you said that even just dissecting it. I was like, oh, wow, courageous.

Yeah. How artistically brazen. What is the Irishman? Irishman You know So that was my Or English He's an Englishman

So that was my Thought process I got it And then But then you said The names of Chinese Restaurants sounded Way more offensive

So That was Janda King Golden Noodle Yeah You know Who can't drive These Panda Kings

And I workshopped You know Happy family Golden noodle Whatever Whatever And Panda Kings was the biggest

Hit So I opened With that one It was I remember Watching You do that bit And being

Not There's There should be a third word. It's not jealous. It's so impressed that there's almost like a morning that it's not yours. But it's not an angry morning. It's just kind of like, damn it. Right.

Like I saw an open micer do a bit about how you would never order what you get at a buffet. And then he just did it. Yeah. Like I couldn't do the bit. But it was like, and then like a little lo-main and a slice of meatloaf, but like a dollop of mashed potatoes, like an afterthought on the top. Right. And I had that.

I still talk about this all the time. I was at the Parkside Lounge. Oh, wow. Open mic. Houston. Been in like a million movies, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joey Gay is hilarious.

We've shouted them out before. So funny. Oh, sweet Caroline. Yes. How do you find white people camping in the woods? Sweet Caroline. And they all. Bup, bu, bu.

The white rose killer? We're friends now. Yeah, yeah. This is what I mean by culture inherited. I'm like, we know each other. Exactly, exactly. It's like is an oral tradition. Yes.

Anyway, there's this guy. That's the name of my album. Oral tradition. I've jacked my dopamine to an oral tradition or two. Hand job fellas. That's my opening bit on hand job ballots. That would have been all three.

Anyway, this guy, it was an open mic, so it was like, you know, amateurs. Guy goes on stage and he says, you ever see a kid so fatty looks like he has a job? And I was like, that's a perfect joke. That's funny. Perfect, it's mean, but it's perfect. Yeah, that's hilarious.

I think about it. I know you agree, because you both just went to this, like, yes. It's almost, there's a third word. It's like, and now there's a fourth word, because I don't think that person's doing comedy. I have never heard that joke anymore. Right.

I'm pretty sure if you Google it, it'll just be clips of me saying, who is this angel? Like a misconnection. Right. Because I see kids like that all the time. I'm like, this kid looks like he's retired. Well, you had a line that I think about all the time was,

I can't even remember the setup, but the punchline was something happened loudly in your apartment building, and you want Puerto Rico one? Yeah, Puerto Rico. What was that joke? It's a very Mark Norman joke. I love that joke.

I go, I love living in New York because you can't tell if your apartment's haunted. Yes. Like, if you live in the middle of the woods and you hear like, it's there. In New York, you can hear anything at any hour there's always something to blame it on. And I go, you hear someone moaning with chains.

You're like, old man Rosenthal. Yeah. Not for one of his midnight chain wash. And then I go, the walls could be on fire, windows breaking, things falling off the roof. you're like, oh, Puerto Rico won. That's great. And that's such a New York joke

because a lot of places you do and they don't know. Right, like a soccer game. Also, this is Puerto Rico's New York. I mean, this is right. Guess what no one else knows, what a Dominican is. I'm not trying to be funny.

I know what you mean. You go to New York. You're going to hear about Dominican people. Or if you watch baseball. And baseball health. That's true. You know, you're talking about jokes that like, you're like, how the fuck this person's not doing it?

And they have like, this guy, Glenn Coyle is so funny. when I was a comic strip, he passed away, but he had a joke I love. He goes, my girlfriend got Lou Gehrig's disease, so I traded her. Ah! Damn. That's very you, too.

Oh, I like that joke. I tried to get ahead of it. Wow. That's a movie I don't want to see, because everybody thinks this at some point in their comedy career. What if five okay comedians give their best material to one of them? Wow.

And they split the profits. but like that's so missing the point the point is to stink and get better don't build one Voltron comic that has all your best lines exactly I do think about the people that quit and they're great bits I know happens to them and then you think about like like if Patrice was around what the hell would he talk about with Trump and yeah yeah I used to old Gregorald oh yeah I would have to hear these guys on that and then you and then you realize it's up to you like not in a corny way it's up to you yeah yeah go like okay you have to do it Right.

Sometimes you catch yourself going, like, I'd love to hear what this person has to say about that. And you're like, well, you know, like, I think about Louie a lot because I know a complicated person. I thought he was beautiful on Theo. I don't know if you heard of my podcast. I loved it. Yeah, I listened to both. It was really, what do you mean both? He did it twice.

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and Ridge Wallet guys sometimes I'll be doing a bit and I'll just kind of think of him as an avatar and it's always just like when you fucking do it like the thing I the critique I have for most comedy is

say what you're saying you know what I'm saying like people go right up to the not the line I just mean they go right up to the door but they don't go through the door and Louis will always be like because I'm lonely and horny and scared you know what I mean

it's incredibly vulnerable it's incredibly vulnerable and it's not just vulnerable it's nice to have the funny thing but like we back away from the thing too much I think you're right I saw him the other night I don't want to give this is one quick line so I don't want to give away his new act

but he's uh he goes so I was dating a girl she was much younger than me you know I like I prefer younger women because you know they're hotter and just that to me I'm like I would have never thought to say that but it's so funny I talked to him about that bit and he was delivering it more like a punchline yeah and it wasn't hitting and then he just says it kind of under his breath more casually and it's killing there you go it's amazing how the written joke it's like dude delivery's fucking

90% of it sometimes I know I know and you have to keep in touch with the part of you that didn't know the joke was going to work like I said the first time he did it. You're telegraphing. I've done it. It works. But what's actually funny about it is your inner conflict. Like it is funny.

You feel bad about it. Yeah. You have a joke. I'm so jealous of jokes because sometimes you got to, you know this is funny. You just got to stick with it. Even if they're not laughing, there's something here. Yeah. I had a joke that pedophile joke that you told me is funny.

And I brought it back. And now it's one of my big about how I'll pedophilia. I'm a good guy to run pedophile jokes. I always believe in them. Pedophilia makes me nervous because I used to be attracted to kids. When I was a kid, I liked young girls, you know? And then I also like grape juice. Now I don't like young girls.

I like girls my age, but I still like grape juice. Yeah. You know, so the joke was like, I grew up with this, but not with that, and thank God. Yeah, I remember when you ran that by. Do you know my bit? What? No, don't worry. Oh, no.

I retired it. Oh, God. I had a bit where I go, you'll see why I retired it. It was fruit punch. It was fruit punch. That was so good. I was just on stage and I went, it was kind of out of nowhere.

And I go, you ever give thanks you're not attracted to kids? And then I let them be uncomfortable. I go, that could have gone the other way. Okay, that's funny. And every time a kid runs by at the pool with wet feet, and I go, look at them,

I'm just like, thank fucking good. And I go, can you imagine if what you were attracted to was illegal? You're just in your weird basement, all these blank VHS tapes, and you're like, yeah, these are my vacations. It's very dark. That's dark. Which is why I cut it, but I was trying to get in, I actually have, I had another joke that I cut where I was like, you're afraid to die, this is unrelated, you're afraid to die, Shirley Temple died. You can't do what Shirley Temple did. You're more of a candy ass than Shirley Temple. This is my best favorite part. I go, my Nana died. She couldn't even speak English. I thought it was so funny. Guess what? No,

wants to think about pedophiles. Nobody wants to think about how they're going to die in the middle of a... I don't know. Also, I don't know if people know who Shirley Temple is. Yeah, that's true. I tried to be... I marked Norman did. I tried it with different people. But I think... I was like Betty White died, but they've grown. Right. Death is tough.

Why they grown and she lasted so long. I know. And everyone's going to die. But my point is, you had that bit about trumpets. Oh, yeah. In your last special, how it only has three buttons. And it plays all this crazy... That's a Mark Norman. But that's an idea I might have.

I love the idea, but I would go, I can't get this to work. There's nothing. How do I convey this? No, it's not even the act out, you think? No, it's not even the act out. It's just like, I don't know what the angle is. I love a good angle. Well, look, I can't wait to talk about this. Lay it on me, fatty.

You call me fatty? Well. I loved it. I'm like a little taking aback that I loved it. I wouldn't say it if you were fat. Kurt Metzker calls soda fatsojuice, which I think. It's so funny. I heard him call

what's the guy Jake Paul who called him Boy Hawk to a Oh my God Jake Paul? Jake Paul I called him boy hoc to a

Too good I fucking fell out of my chair Too good With trumpet The bits A lot of the bits That I'm best known for Like people come up

About trumpet People come up about life Makes no fucking sense These are like bits That like caught on The sleeping one I'm vulnerable for eight hours Oh yeah

I'm gonna go lay still in the dark for eight hours. Don't worry, my brain plays movies I'm in. Right, right. Yes, but more so the trumpet in life makes no sense and a bunch of other ones. They're like early in my career jokes. They're like UCB open mic jokes.

Didn't work. Yep. Then my confidence quadrupled and then I talk about delivery. The reason why trumpet is funny to me is because I'm really upset about it. It's an attitude. It is funny to say, but even the opening, it was like, what's going on with the trumpet?

Yeah. That's funny. That's funny. The tone of my voice. He's mad. Right. And I go, three buttons, three buttons. It's like you owe me money.

Right. Three buttons, and it plays all the notes. I had to go up there. Yes. It didn't work if I didn't. See? And then I go, saxophone, he's got no secrets. That's a joke.

He looks you right in the eye when he shakes your name. And you get this. And you get this. Yeah, that's gold. But that joke, trumpet and life makes no sense and a whole bunch of other ones that became internet popular or whatever you want to call that viral, didn't work in clubs, didn't work. Trumpet was never on my set list. Like, can't wait to do trumpet.

Yeah, but you stuck with it. You bring them back for the special. That I want to say is maybe my greatest contribution to stand up. Maybe is to my people. Yeah. The bits that don't work, but you believe they're going. great do them on your special because they're your crowd and they're

going to love it I had a couple of those it's a little scary because you're like you're you're easing towards it in the set on the special and you're like this isn't going to fucking hit you know it's a B you're cooking with A and then you're going to drop a B in there I know what you mean I've done it I mean I have a few of those

you almost feel it coming you're like here it comes but if it's not for everybody there's a great chance that it's for a lot of people you know what I noticed a lot though if it's a joke that's not killing and then people like don't drop that fucking joke yes yes we're like after a show they're like oh my god I went in him they're like no that was my favorite one yeah that's my favorite

comedy thing when milani did his first I don't know what it was maybe tonight show or something he uh I used to watch him do this joke about Trump it's brilliant he looks like what a homeless person thinks a rich person is great bit and he goes when I when my train comes in I'm going to have tall buildings with my name on him and then he

would go fine golden hair and fine golden hair never worked. And I just like any comedian, I was like, fine golden hair is the funniest part of the pet. It's so funny. And he was like, but it doesn't work. He did on, I'm very proud of this, but he did on the Tonight Show crushed.

Crush. Because sometimes there's a difference between a knife fight set and the home run derby of a taping. And what I like about the internet now is you can catch that random set where maybe you're not cooking. with A's and then your B suddenly is better than the C's and it pops and get the

footage of it because I'm like I don't know, I'm a big believer in like if you thought it was funny. Yeah, yeah, because we go off laughs and that's our feedback but just because they're not laughing doesn't mean... And also sometimes the line is just really clever and it's like a part of a story. Like I had a line last night

my manager's at the show and she goes, I love this line. She? Yeah, I'm a fucking... I'm a good dude. He also watches WNBA. I do. I lie. I do it to tell people I'm a good person But no she goes You have this line

I'm telling a story about how I hate It's a long story but I say One of the lines she liked was I say fuck Long Island iced tea drinkers You know pick a spirit and be an adult And it's just the way I say it She's like oh that's and it doesn't really hit But it kind of helps the story

Yes Because it's just like they don't know how to drink Yeah, that's true Give me all those That could be a whole bit Yeah Fuck you if look I know some of you are drinking along

on the nightsees, but fuck you. Long on a nice tea. Pick a liquor. I've never met one of those that I like. No, can I run a problem? It reminds me of this premise I'm working on is it'll never be this way, but this is how I think it should be.

Where does Rice get off? Oh, here we go. You want me? I'll be ready in three hours. Those fucking political comedians come on here. The bad boy of comedy is back. Put some caution tape on his mouth, will you? I think that's so funny.

You guys are unmarried New Yorkers. I'm not cooking. I'm married. You're married? With a kid. Jesus. You've been gone a while. I haven't gone a while.

I'm sure I didn't know. It's my kid, but she's right. But, you know, no, it's something funny, too, and maybe there's an angle for instant rice. Like, it's not as good. It's not. You get it quickly. You get it quickly. It's like the IVF.

It makes you earn it. And then what is it? An edible plate? I don't have the bet. I'm just like, it's nothing. Yeah. If you're going to put that much, you ever check rice? It's always hard.

I know. More time. That's true. And then it's like, I'm ready for you to put something delicious on me? Fuck you, Long Island iced tea. Pick a liquor. Right. By the way, that's an underused device to put a punchline from the last thing on this.

Like, you don't have it. So you say the attitude is the same. The bits are attitude brothers. Leather jacket comedian. I'm a real foot on the monitor You know it's funny when I was at the Boston here on West 3rd Street I would mimic the comics that put my foot on the table Yeah

You're mimicking relaxation Yeah yeah yeah yeah You see like Ted Alexander leaning against the wall You're like oh I'm all lean I remember I was I sat down for a bit once And Greer Barnes pulled me aside afterwards He's like never sit down again Oh

I was like why and he's like because you're not a story You're like a joke guy Yeah yeah it was he was helping me Unless you're going to unfold the newspaper. Right. Or you're really fat. I love those comics. You've got to be really fat or like a storyteller.

Well, now he's medium, Jay Oak or something. But he's a storyteller. Stop losing your gimmick. That's true. You got the stories. This guy Ozempicked his gimmick away. I'm just kidding. He's not on Ozepard.

Who is it? He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be on every other drug. Sometimes they get the Zemperse. Okay. Sometimes they get the pick face.

That's true. He lost so much weight. He has to get smaller fingalish gloves. That's so. He's back down to a child's medium. He had to take a few kinks out of the chain. He has to take them off of Michael Jackson dolly. Sorry.

I had a really good Michael Jackson joke where I go, and I cut this too. I go, I watch this interview. This is real. Michael Jackson was being interviewed by Barbara Walters, and she goes, Michael, all real. How do you feel when you see the headline, Wacko, Jacko? This is also real. He goes, I don't like it because it's Jackson. And I go, he was mad at the Jackson.

It's wacko part. I go, it's wacko. That's funny. Wacko is the mean part. I go, if your name, if the word for Wacko was Waxon, we would have called you Waxon Jackson. That's like you're getting mad at the wrong part. Do you see what old kid fucking Mike did?

And he comes out and he's like, it's Michael! That's great! That's a good joke. I used to love it. You know what that's a prototype of? It wasn't even that. It was just like, sometimes a joke gets cut because it takes too much effort. Yeah.

I like doing it with you guys, but five shots. shows in a weekend. I'm like, kid fucking mind. I got to go. A lot of the jokes that make it are the cameras. You know what I mean? The Reliables. The Reliables. I used to have a joke where I'd say, you know what I like about pedophiles? It's the only group that doesn't complain when you make fun of them. I've never done it a show and some guy stands up like, we've had enough. Very, very funny. Reminds me of Gavikin. Alcoholism is the only disease you can get mad at someone for having. I thought that was Headbird. No, that's Gaffig. Oh, no, is it, Hedberg? Yeah, yeah. Damado, you have lupus. That is Hedberg.

Yeah, there you go. Lupus, funny word. Just ask Orny. Gaffin's got a great. I guess I have psoriasis now. Oh, I'm sorry. I look around. I'm the only one on the butt.

That's a good bit. Yeah, I got a good orny. Gaffigan has this great bit about drinking, though. I was. I'm sorry. Wow, that's fucking good. Yeah. Wow.

You can have me on the pot? Welcome back to. Sam Morrow won't book me on the pot. We might be drunk. We might be resentful. Wow, that's incredible. That's a very good ornie. I need him to get much bigger.

Yeah. So I can do that on the road. Now we never have to book them. I love you, Orny. He's going to hear this. He's going to hate it. Funny guy. Love you, Arne.

He's a friend of mine. I love him. He really. He kills. Kills. To make up for the riff. But he's like way funnier than, I'm just saying if you watch his YouTube special, you're like, This guy's going like at a Carlin clip.

Oh, yeah, for an hour. For an hour and with takes, like he's saying something. Yeah, yeah. So there you go, or he don't be mad. Crushes. He murders. Well, I was talking to this Gaffigan joke. You know the joke about how you realize how much of an alcoholic you are

when you can't get the bartender's attention immediately? That's fun. And you just start, and you're like, that's so. Oh, I've never heard of bar, I think of it. That's great. I think of Brian Regan every time I'm in New York and he's like, you get in the elevator and that door closed button is washed off to a nub. Yeah.

Because everyone in New York is true. Every elevator. Great observation. Back to your big old dick. Kid fucking Mike or whatever. I love kid fucking Mike. Seinfeld had the joke where he goes, Bozo the Clown. I like how we need, do we really need the clown?

Is anyone like a Bozo the district attorney? Yes. That's very similar. District attorney is perfect. Perfect. You know he must have tried a bunch because district attorney is perfect. It's the symbol for Boron. Boron is great.

How do you pick Boron? Taxi bit. Yeah. Yeah. He's got the best choices. You know, with a line through him? Oh. He did that one on Dangerfield, remember?

That set is lights out. What? It was that Dangerfield. Young comedian special. Oh. So it would be like Dangerfield. He had like Kinnison on that one. Yep, yep.

And the other one was like. Bill Hicks, maybe? No, he was on the other one. Okay. But that was, dude, he gives, this is his intro for Bill Hicks. His next comic is so far out of his time. His parents even haven't even met yet. That's fucking your intro

He wrote a joke for an intro For a random guy Somebody did I'm not trying to take it away Shimmel on that one Yes Robert Shimmel great Had the great joke

Yeah yeah Shim had the great joke So I bought this cream You know makes your penis bigger They say you rub it on Then he realized I got scammed Because my hands didn't get bigger And you're like

Go If that worked to be walking around With one Mickey Mouse hand Yes yes exactly back to your choice i love jokes like this uh jasper red remember this guy yeah that's a deep cut i think he's quit he had some gold i thought he was going to be the next you know who knows what stephen wright or something he had a great mind but he had this bit about how the horn in the car is the is the weirdest sound to show anger he's like this is the this is the the sound we've chosen

when you're pissed off you're like road rage he's like that's like going up to somebody who cut you off in line and going hang on and it was so good I've ruined it but very very good you made me think of another bet sorry oh okay so I did a at Housing Works on House and Street oh that was a great

show me and Jesse Klein and later me and Joe there was this guy I wish I remembered his name but I don't know I haven't seen him in 20 years I think it's safe he had this bit I'm standing with Jamie Lee and we both were like what the fuck is happening? It was the best.

And he goes, I love the weather channel. No matter what the news is, they still got that music. Phil Murphy. Phil Murphy? I know that bit. Yeah. He's like, in Miami today, it's mild and 73. Yes, yes.

Do the music real good. Yeah. It'd be like, tsunami warning. Coming in, please hide your children. Yeah. It doesn't blow my mind now, but when I saw him, it blew my mind. No, he had great observations like that. What was his name?

Phil Murphy. Long blonde hair. Yeah, long blonde hair. He also did it. You wanted to see him. Yes, he did it. He did it. He did it.

He did it. I know it's a bad bit, what's going on with Indian music? They have one recording artist over there. And that was brilliant. My version of that is if I'm in a Chinese restaurant, I go, can you be quiet? This is my favorite song. I just think that's a solid life bet.

Or if it's a massage parlor, it's just kind of like ethereal. You're like, can you be quiet? This is my favorite song. But Louis would be like, what are you really saying? And it's thinking, ding, ding. Well, I have a thing with my wife where we call it the 85% rule, because I'll just do jokes like that to anyone,

and 85% of the time they don't respond. Oh, wow. And she's like, oh, there's your 85%. I'll do it. a silly Uber joke with the driver nothing. Oh yeah. And so we call it the 85% thing. I have life bits. Yeah. We're also dads. You got to do

the bits. Yeah, I was doing that 25 years ago. Me too. Okay. Well, remember the reason I got Montreal was because it was Malaney. I was checking into a hotel. We were on a tour together and they said, okay, one of the rooms we have is a non-smoking queen. And I went,

that's me! Cigarettes, Pee! I really said this. That's great. And Malaney doesn't laugh, of course. Sure. I just mean because I'm just being sweaty and young. And he looks at me and goes, you're like a fun dad, you know that? That's your energy.

And I learned another great piece of comedy advice. If someone you respect makes fun of you, write it down. And then I just, I started saying on stage, I know it's weird that I'm on stage. I have the energy of a fun dad. And that's another thing. I remember that. Fun dip. Yeah, yeah.

Well, Fun dip is a different thing. Oh, sorry. I love that your brain thinks in letters, clearly. Ah, yes. Those are a little glimpse into how you're kind of assembling. Letters, no eye contact. We know we have. You're just that board at Grand Central.

Fun dad, fun dip. Fun dad, fun dip. But a different meaning. Not on the board. Right. Sometimes you get zinged by someone, you're like, that's fucking good. Dude, there's a guy, this guy, Sean Murphy. It's really funny.

I use him on the road. He's an odd-looking fellow, tall, crazy face. And Dave Attell goes, you look like a butler at a haunted. And now it's in his act. It's brilliant. You're an idiot. You got to use it. Judah Freelander called Ray Ellen.

He gets the hair like this and he goes, you look like a nickel. Oh. And he's been using it. It's his best bit. That's not his? Oh my God. Josh Lieb, who is a writer. I think he ran Fallon.

He might still. But we were in a writer's room together and he said to me, he goes, Pete, you look like there's a million different universes, each one slightly different from the last. And this is the only one where you're not a youth pastor. a youth pastor. Of course, I said, can I have that? Yeah, yeah.

It became my most relive, that and fund debt. Wow. And that's when I got Montreal, because I didn't know who I was. You don't know who you are. Yeah. People start telling you who you are. Seems kind of mean. But an idiot would have been like, I'm not a youth pastor, go out and buy a jacket.

Exactly. Like, that's mine now. If I do a corporate, I still do that joke. Yeah. I'm going to be like, you guys don't know me. I know it looks like I'm a youth pastor. And it gets it out of it. the way, it's a perfect opener, too.

And lesbian Val Kilmer. Oh. Damn. I don't think, I think, I think, I wrote lesbian Val Kilmer, but it was like, I slowly put it together. Those were the early bits. We were like, I got to get them. I got to get them quickly with something surface or self-deprecating.

They're spattering of applause. They're barely applauding. And you go, I know you guys are excited, like, look, it's Val Kilmer. That's how I used to open. And then I would go, I had a bit about being tall and you can't hide. and I was like, I'd have to just stand really still and hope people thought I was, I think I said Prince William, when I was...

Oh, yeah. And then I go, he can't do two look-alike jokes, and I'd go, John Ritter, three. Oh, that's fun. Now, comedy really has, thankfully, come along. That's not that impressive, but back then that was a slick move. Sure, no, that works.

You're like, I know I'm doing comedy. Yes, yes, that was big. That got too big for a while. Yeah. Well, then you get the people who are, like, doing too much ironic comedy. I don't even know if you could write a regular joke at this point. Yeah, exactly.

No, it drives me crazy. The guy who does the character, I don't mean a particular person because there were so many, the bit was I'm a comedian who sucks. And I'm like, I think you suck. Yeah, you just suck. Exactly. You just found a way to get up there? Yeah, you're a coward. But I have a thing where no one

looks at, like, I go on stage, people just start talking. I have, I don't have no presence on stage. So I go up back in the old days and I'd go, hey, hey, cleavage. Just because then they go, gee, what the fuck and then the girl's like well that's like dove david off he'd go up and he'd go pussy oh i thought he had Tourette's yeah yeah i didn't know that i didn't know that he'd do all that

and go you ever do acid and then 15 minutes later you're on stage doing comedy yeah well and like he also the thing i was saying i learned from dove is even though i don't do crowd work is i will and he's not the only person that does us i say defensively i'm just saying i learned it from watching him you anchor in the crowd a few different places yes i'm mom like the woman who's a mom the mom knows that's good this guy know like the guy that I call Jack Black knows like he's again

going back to what we're talking about at the beginning to me the death of stand-up is when you realize you're just doing the album or you're just phoning it in basically you're just doing it at them again some people can get away with that with really good jokes I think both of you guys can do that now you get on autopilot sometimes I feel it

mine doesn't work and that's actually kind of great like I have my favorite jokes of mine don't work if I'm not in touch with them. This is kind of pretentious, but Bono has this joke where he goes, if I'm not feel it, not good. I know. Bono from you two

says, I can't hit the note if I'm not feeling it, and I really relate to them. I can't make them laugh unless I'm going, this is why I think that's funny. Well, all your jokes are pretty emotional. That's exactly. The joke is, like there was another, I was like electric eels.

When's the last time you thought about that? Yeah, yeah. Eels with electricity in there's like finding out there's a seahorse that transmits Wi-Fi. Everyone's just like, okay, what's the password? Like, we just accept it. Yeah, yeah. But, like, that's an okay joke, but just try just saying it. That's not going to hit.

I have some jokes that are like that. You ever poop your pants, you peece. Sorry, you ever have to poop so bad you pee second. That's a joke. Oh, that's a great line. You can just say that. That's a silly Carlin type of joke. It is.

Like those books he would do With those silly jokes Yeah Totally I remember those Like brain droppings Yes It's a weather vein It's got a cock on it

Because if it was like The wind would blow right through it That's hilarious That's Carlin That's great My wife said you ever have to poop So bad you pee second And I was like

That's mine now Have you written anything? Jesus Christ Dub Davidoff Malini Josh Lieb Yeah These are the These are the

You ever see the special thanks In my Pages That's like the Koran It's actually I don't mind sharing that my wife says hilarious things because I think there's two skills writing your own stuff and then noticing when hearing it. Because she just said it.

I'm not saying this defensively at all. My wife is hilarious, but she says funny things all the time. There's a sound and I go, that's a, and it became my most reliable one-liner. How did you meet your wife? I met her at Cobbs. Whoa. Yeah, in San Francisco. in San Francisco.

I used to do meet and greets. I think COVID stopped them and then I realized it was kind of exhausting me. It's very exhausting. I like doing it. I just did a show in New Jersey and I ended up doing kind of an impromptu one because I started talking to someone

and then everybody came around. I was like, you know what? They were really great crowds. Yeah. But then I remember the reason I don't do them, even though I used to, is because then I'm falling asleep at night or trying to. And not only am I playing back the set involuntarily.

just going over what worked, what needs to cut, what needs to move. I'm also replaying what I said to everybody, just because, like, sometimes it's a big moment for that. And I was just like, well, that's why the Nazis were. He's like, well, why did I say that? Like some weird, social, awkward. Story of my life.

Yeah, exactly. And I was like, it's just too costly. I can't have that. Like, I was doing a show in Chicago, and I was like, do you have any kids that moment? And he goes, these are my kids. And then that night, I'm just like, I can't believe I talked about Hitler.

his dad jizzing and his kids were there. You know what I mean? It just'll keep me up at night. I'm the same way. But they enjoyed it together, you know? I hope so. For sure. My family's just so far from that.

Yeah. I can't imagine a family having a shared interest. I see it all the time in the front of like a father and son. I'm like, that's fucking awesome. I know. I'm jealous. I'll take a father and son, but as soon as mom's in the mix. I get worried.

But I can't even get my dad to go to my show. So whenever I see a dad and a kid, I'm like, wow. Can you go to Skankfest? That's so funny. Did your parents really not go to your shows? I think they've been to five. I've been doing it at 20 years. Yeah.

I tell my parents not to come to my shows, though. Because not only do my parents come, but they're like, you're doing Carnegie Hall. My mom will say, I need 25 comps. I'm like, oh, cool, there goes all of them. Wow. Oh, geez. By the way, I can't believe you're doing it. It's fun.

Yeah, that's big. You know why you should be, obviously, really excited, but those venues, so I just did Town Hall. It's not sick. That's a great room. One of the best venues ever. Those ones that are acoustically designed. It's perfect. And Carnegie Hall is like, a, you don't even need a,

I haven't played it, but I've been there. You don't even need a mic, because it's designed for Yo-Yo Ma. Right. So they'll be able to, like, lock in. Music, like, fine orchestral music venues are perfect. Yes, built for speakers. And death for stand-up is movie theaters. 100%.

Because it's designed to dampen sound. Yeah. So you're going to the opposite. You're going to be like, Ray Romano, great comedy record recorded at Carnegie Hall. Yeah. The Arnegee fucking hall. Yeah. Dude, you have a lot.

Only curse of the hour. It's the only one. Wow. You got a lot in your bag. I did a set at this movie theater. I tried to do it more now because people are like, I didn't know you did him. Go ahead. It's over.

It was going to be a horrible joke. I did a set in a movie theater in Aurora right before Joker. That's great. Okay. I liked that. I killed. I didn't mind it. I shouldn't have repeated it.

It's because I started talking about how people don't ask me to do impressions that it ruined that bit. I like the impressions I do it yeah who else you got I don't know I sometimes forget Walberg

oh Walberg yeah it's gone it's good to be here you guys might be drunk huh yeah you should eat more burgers

we almost had him didn't we Andre the giant really we almost had Walbert we had him on the line and then we would have me on your soul

he wanted to tape at 4.30 in the morning 430 in the morning no I'm kidding he's always waking up like 4 in the morning I don't buy it He's got to pray.

I got to pray to God. Then I got to do Transformers 9. I'm kidding. He probably does do it. Who am I to say? I do think it's funny, the bigger people get, the less relatable they are, and the more we listen to them. You know what I mean? That's a premise.

That's good. Seriously, it is a premise. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. You know, what my example is me. I'm always like, just go around and be kind. Oh, is it easy to be kind?

you're a famous comedian. You know what I mean? I got a juice. The guy wanted to take his picture with me. Yeah, you might put a smile on your face. You know what I mean? Walking around. Right.

Especially in New York. Every 25th person, you're like, also a lot of people telling you to be kind are the worst fucking people. Say what? A lot of the people tell you to be kind are the worst fucking people. Ellen.

Oh, wow. That was her whole thing, be kind. Yeah, yeah, and then she got mean-toed. But that's also... I got mean-toed. It is people where you're just like, just be kind. And then you see their social media, you're like, you're insane.

No, we're back to protest too much. Yeah. If you're going around reminding everybody to be kind, it's probably an issue. You know what people usually get drunk and you'd go, oh, that's the real him. That's what social media does with a lot of people. That's the new drunk where you're like, oh, this is the real you. Oh, wow. That's scary.

What's an example of that? Oh, just like crazy tweets or like some crazy rant about something. Tried. Trying to just pile your energy to just ruin people over nothing. Right. Right. I see that on the internet. I go on, the only social thing I go on is YouTube, brag.

But I have to tell it all the time, not interested. Like, because there's so many, like, mean-spirited. I am a hot chick. No, no, thank you. But it's because there's so many videos that people make. So I'll watch people doing stand-up. I'll watch them on a late night or whatever. And then it starts, like, what happened to take your pick?

It doesn't matter who it is. The rise and fall of Sarah Silverman. Not a real one, but these really mean ones. I was a million of those. And what's her name from the Bridget Fonda? What happened to her? What happened to Bridget Fonda? She was in a car crash.

Right. And you're fucking, you're trying to make her feel bad. We're click baiting it. Bridget Honda. But people, especially, that's good. Sorry. Very good. I'm just trying to think Bridge Stone and Honda.

Not interested. But somebody sent me, they were like, oh, you need to see this thing. They're talking about Joe, Joe Rogan and his influence or something. But I'm watching it, and it's a real hit piece. There's a million of those on him. I know. It's crazy.

Crazy. And I'm watching it, and they're doing, like, a montage of, like, how comedy sucks. I'm in the montage. Oh. And I was like, you know what? Shame on me. I shouldn't have even been watching it anyway. Yeah.

And I'm not, like, anti-Joe or anything. It was just, like, somebody was like, it's important. Like, you should see how they're affecting elections or whatever. So I think I'm educating myself. And then I got, I'm in the... You're in some hotel room alone trying to wind down. Yeah, yeah. You know who else sucks?

You. And then you just go like, yeah, good for me. That was a good moment for me. All right. Because if I was at his level, you think you couldn't make a video about how I stink? You know what I mean? Yeah. That's kind of my point.

Almost any person, you could make a 15-minute video about how they're the greatest or that they're the worst. Yeah. And then once they get to a certain level, it's nobody, you don't get a lot of clicks being like, maybe you do. You know, you know who's a cool guy. Yeah, that's like every New York part. Yeah, exactly. Right. Every newspaper.

Well, remember that old Barbiglia joke where he said, I went to a nightclub, which was good because my self-esteem was hovering at normal and I wanted to take it down a few notches? That's the internet. Yeah. You know, I'll be like, oh, let me open this up. And then it's like, you're curly-haired freak, kill yourself, you're a hack. Yeah. One guy was like, you're doing a Malaney bit, you're a thief.

And I was like, I had that Chris Rockwoman. I was like, maybe I am. I got accused of doing a Malini bit because I have a bit about the Captcha test. And Malani has a bit about the Captcha test. A lot of people have a Captcha. you know that I don't have to explain it to you but the comment was and I never I don't know why I saw this but it was like

he should have just put Malini's bit on a laptop and press play and then I did watch it it was just the premise that capture tests exist and I was like what is happening? I know why would you open enough they think they just own the premise sometimes

yeah that's true happens that's true I've heard that too but then also capture tests no totally I know you're on my side I'm just saying like that's a dumb Well, you're doing a Henny Youngman bit because you mention your wife. You know, that's what we're going.

That's what we're dealing with here. And then sometimes I'll go, this is a Louie bit and I'll go send it to me. And they never do. Yeah. So I'm like, alright. Because they're gone. They're on hating on the next place. I guess, I guess.

And we're all trying to get seen in some way. You can't, I can't be fully bad. Price of admission, they say. Yeah, yeah, that's nice. I like that. Price of admission. Is it sparkling or regular? Sparkling.

There's the, the Maya Angelou quote, right? Where she says, like, do you. Don't pick it up, don't lay it down? No, that's real. Oh, really? Yeah, she's headed to Chappelle. Don't pick it up, don't lay it down. What does that mean?

When they say you're the best, don't believe it. That was it. Yeah, it was on the Chappelle iconoclass. Yeah, yeah. And she also tells him not to do the N-word. And he's smoking a cigarette, and you just see on his face like, I'm going to keep doing it. I'm going to keep doing it.

That was a Michael Richards quote. Wait, what is don't pick it up? He also says, I'm going to keep doing it, yeah. Yeah, what does it don't pick it up, don't pick it down, mean? Don't lay it down. So if I say you're the greatest, you just have to say thank you. I say you're the worst. You don't even have to say anything.

Don't pick it up. Don't pick it up. If you don't believe the bad shit, you don't believe the good shit. It's a good way to go through life. It's a good way to stay just centered and not. I'm trying as I get older, I'm just like living with my wife for all this time, we've been together for 13 years. She's seen how it comes together and how the act, you know, and how, like, impersonal it is. So it's like, I'm not like sculpting these acts.

Like, they show up. Yeah. That sounds pretentious. So, like, when I do it, I'm kind of going, like, this is what showed up. Yeah. In an Amazon box, you know, forgot what it was? That's my act. I'm like, why am I talking about this?

Because that came out, and it's really funny right now. But I'm not going like, and then if, so if an hour isn't as good as the last one, I'm like, I agree. Yeah, right. I'm just signing for the delivery. Well, I relate to that, though, because a lot of people will write an hour, like, the way Colin Quinn does it, where I think it's amazing. He'll just pick a topic. can go. I don't do that. It's whatever just comes to me.

Yeah, yeah. Same. It's almost like ADD is, at least a touch of it is really helpful in this. Yeah, yeah. I completely agree. But, you know. And it's based a lot on feeling, too. It's like I'm cutting jokes because it's like a note in a song. And for some reason that note just didn't fit. Like that Wacko Jacko thing, of course, as I did it to you guys, I was like,

maybe we should bring it back. That's good. I'm like, it's done. I got to keep moving full. I want the next wacko. Yeah. But I'm going to see your next special is going to be titled Kid fucking Mike He brought it back, dude But Biglia, who's very real

with me, I'll show him, he's like my best friend I show him stuff, he'll tell me like, if he he'll be like, I don't know if this is your best stuff. So he said about Wacko Jack who is like, if you're going to do a Michael Jackson joke it should be that one.

At least it's a good joke. Yeah, it's not a hacky joke. It's a good Yeah, if you do a topic that's been done to death, have a good angle. That's a good angle. That's a good angle, yeah. And just like all of us, it just showed up because Barbara Walter is interviewing him came through my feed. Did you guys see the Murphy doc yet?

Yeah, is it great? It's fun. But Seinfeld, speaking of Maya Angelou, he has a similar line where he goes, hey, comedy, you're going to get the most venom you've ever gotten and the most compliments, and they're all lies. Yeah, neither are true. That was the best line in the whole movie. And I thought the best line was Eddie Murphy said, pray for peace of mind. He's like, that's a true

Scorsesee doc on your Oh, that's next. I loved it. I absolutely well. I could have five apps, I could have done 10. Same, same. Unreal. I can't wait to watch it.

I'm not going to burden my wife with it. You got to watch it alone, yeah, she'll talk. Oh, you've met her. What if I thought that was unique? It's all of them. I'm just kidding. I would watch it with her, but it's a little too. It's heavy.

It's dense. There's a line. I watched Eddie Murphy alone, too. Same. Did you click on it being like, I can't wait until he talks about the scandals, and then when they weren't in it, I was like, I'm glad. I like the no scandal. Well, these new things, these people are producing.

I know. Same with Scorsese. So they were building a lot of the bad shit. A lot of the bad. They were like, didn't you gloss over a lot of drugs? Yeah. We were doing a doc documentary about cutting bits called Kill Your Darling. So I'm putting out the special, for me, to do an hour.

You have to write two hours to the other hour. and we're going to use them in clips and talk about why we cut them and stuff and why did I bring this up? Well, inevitably, you're going to get a guy going this is better than the other one. Of course. That's going to happen.

But I was like, someone was like, you should direct it. And I was like, you can't have a documentary about you. And then it cuts to black and he goes, directed by Pete Holmes. That's true, yeah. Psycho executive.

Like, you want someone on the outs? I know. Can you imagine, though, like the Ted Bundy story by Ted Bundy. Well, you could tell Jordan, did it because the only real vulnerable stuff was like kind of self-serving sure he cries because he wants it too bad right they're a little hard on pippin play that way yeah yeah yeah he was like remember that time pippin was a bitch and checked him so out of the game you're like dude he helped

you win six titles i know i know they did i didn't only even follow basketball i've seen the last dance probably all the way through four times it's unreal it's so and i hate i mean look those teams killed my childhood i was such a big nix fan but he's he's the best ever it's insane I know. There's a great Jordan quote. I don't know if that was. I was contributing to Michael Jordan. We were the Knicks game the other night and we're having a drink at the bar and a guy walks over and Mark goes, hey.

And he goes, hey, and Mark goes, Mark goes, Mark and he goes, Stefan. And they shake hands. They order drinks. He walked away. I goes, dude, that was, that was Stefan Marbury. Yeah, it was bad. I also said, whatever he wants on me. Yeah, yeah.

It's an open bar. It's a Stefan Marbury, the basketball player. Mark just didn't know who he was like. I was like, I was like, he could go. When it happened to us in L.A., there was a guy, I knew who it was, and he was doing card tricks. And he did one to my wife, and he walked away. I was like, I can't believe that happened. And she's like, why?

That was David Blame. Whoa, wow. He had like a beard, and I'm like, I guess it works. Wow. Clark Kent glasses. It was enough to throw her off the scent. Is he as sexy in real life as he is on screen? I'm not saying this to put him down.

and he was clearly between looking goods. Like he was sort of like, he was taking some Blaine time. That's a great way to put it. He was looking better than me, but he wasn't like ready for it. He was clearly taking some time between things. I'm supposed to go to one of his show. Yeah, see, covered in B Blaine is looking better than the Blaine ice. Oh, wow.

He looks like Iron Man there. That's insane. Right. Was he fat or what are we talking? Yeah, he looked a little soft, like that basically. Oh, that's still hot. Professor, looks like Ted Cruz. He cleaned it up a little bit.

His lips looked like Macaulay Culkin's. He ever noticed that Macaulay Culkin has orange lips? I've not. Give me a Culkin and home alone. That is a funny facial expression there. Mm-hmm. You ever notice that Brad Pitt and McCauley Culkin act similar? Whoa.

What? I'm blowing my mind. B-Pitt's a Culkin fan. Really? I'm telling you, there's something in how they talk. Yeah, there's the orange lips of culk. Look at those orange lips. Now or then?

Oh, wow. You're not kidding. He's got the orange lips. Kid fucking Mike Who was the other guy He said? What's the face call he makes

When he sees Kid fucking Mike No Recalled it back That'd be a way worse Home Alone movie You guys break in Let's fuck him

I'm the wet bandit Oh no Sticky Bandits is the second one Oh okay Still works Wet Bandits is the first one we gotta get a side by i'll do it on my own time a side by side of brad pit and i'm just telling you there's a way that brad talks that is informed similar to like christian slater is doing nicholson

yeah not that hard okay also benicio del torro is brad pitt have you noticed they look a lot they look very similar we like what we like yeah that is i mean i just got gay whoa that is kind of similar i just turned yeah they're similar wow how about that i just turned see you Remember when I blew Bubba? Kieran Culkin is proof. When does this come out? Will that still be relevant? Yeah, I don't think that's out there.

I love blowing bubble. I'm forever blowing Bubba. Yeah, they're the same guy. Kieran Culkin is proof that you just stick with it, and you can blow past everybody. You know, because McCauley at the time, you'd never think, oh. Yeah, yeah, here comes Kieran. Yeah, here comes Kieran, but he pushed through. He also just like, he seems like he doesn't want it.

Oh, no. Macaulay's fucked out. He's in Paris, I think. Oh, yeah. That's what name dropped, but I like sharing this story, Conan told me, he was like, there's so much noise in the world, not just show business, but in the world.

He's like, just keep doing what you do, like Kieran. He was like, I just banged on a triangle. Everyone's playing saxophone. They put him down, they play the drums, put it down, play the clarinet. He's like, I just kept hitting the same triangle, and because of its consistency, you start to emerge through all the noise.

Wow, that's good. Isn't it good? Yeah, yeah. Well, let's plug some days. Oh, yeah. You go on the road there, Faddy? What do you got cooking? I really like it.

Let's look them up real quick. I'm going to tell you. We can pull it up for you. Go to, oh, yeah, pithomes.com. Los Angeles, obviously, I have my monthly show, which you guys will be on when you're in town. I can't wait. Milwaukee, Brea, San Francisco, North and South Carolina, Miami, Michigan, Madison, Wisconsin, which is always so fun. Denver, which is always so fun.

So I go out about once or twice a month, usually once, but a couple of twice is there. Nice. I like it. So go to piethomes.com and please follow me on all of the things. You're not going to see a more fun act. It's a wacky all over the place. Every set is different. Yeah.

It's a good time. I appreciate it. I think my talent as a comedian is to attune with the crowd and find each other. Yeah. It's not. I like that. That's why it's different. It's because I'm trying to figure them out.

So it's a good live show, if I can plug myself. Yes, it is. I've seen it. I saw Rory the other day, and Rory's a good reminder, like, oh, you've got to be funny. It's not just like a funny joke. He's just funny. See, Rory is a hero of mine, too. He's maybe my favorite.

And that is exactly what I'm going for, is being funny. Yes. Not tricking people, not ignoring people, but like merging with them and being a funny thing. There you go. Yeah, Rory's a great, great comp. Oh, and I have my podcast. Which, Sam, you've never been on it, which is a shock. I'll totally do it, man.

Please let me know when you're in L.A. That's an oldie, huh? I was on that thing in like, what, 81? Long time ago. It's been a while. Long time ago. I just got, yeah, Carnegie Hall, December 4th, hopefully it's sold out by now, and I'm adding, I added some... Wait, wait, wait, go out.

Is it sold? Nearby. No, it's close, I think. You got out of it. Ticket anxiety for that. Nah, it's almost there. Nice, bro. And then we got a fucking badass.

And then I added Omaha, January 8th through 10th. I love that club, Omaha Funny Bone. And then going back to Chicago in February, going to tape a special in Tampa, February 27th. So I think that goes on sale tomorrow. What's it called Grateful Market? I love Tampa, dude. I'm doing it for a reason.

Tampa Theater, beautiful. I just find when you go to Florida, they're happy you're there. Yeah, I love it, dude. Tampa's killer, killer crowds. Same with Jersey. Jersey was so hot for me. Really? I loved it.

New York was great, and Jersey, I was shocked that it was at Harris. It was in Atlanta, and I'm like, but it's, you know, it's Philly. It's all these people, and they're, it's good. They're happy that you came kind of close to them, because sometimes it gets overlooked. That's what I mean. AC is, it can be pretty good. Oh, yeah. As long as you don't walk too far.

That's true. It's fucking nice. Yeah. You're gambling with your life. Is that true? It's unsafe. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah. It's wild out there. It's crazy. I call it Vegas with AIDS. Wow. A little dangerous. I got to mix it up. Hey, I'll be in Prior Lake.

H.I. Vegas? Nah, we're getting somewhere. I wasn't going to leave until I got it. I'll be at the Kansas City Funnel. I'm going back to clubs for the... I've got to build a new hour, so come by and hear half of the shit we riffed on. I like that you got on camera, me realizing you guys are doing even better than I thought you were, because I'm like, you've got to be nervous about those tickets.

You're like, no, I'm pretty sure it's sold out. I'm going back to clubs Go back to my tour dates It's parallel No disclaimer on mine though JK What do you wait hold on I have Kansas City Des Moines

West Des Moines Sin City Brea We're going there Good club Great club Great club Doing some casinos

There's a money grab For the child Yeah New Jersey New Brunswick San Antonio Nice And Tulsa And Swahita

Oh, helium, I just, I did Indianapolis, I think. I love a helium. I love a helium. They did it right. They were like, why fuck with it? They just make it the same. Yeah, exactly. Good layout.

Buffalo, too. Buffalo, Portland. All right, yeah, that's, we're going all the way to. It's a comedy club in Portland, Maine now. Holy shit. Just open. It's little, but they're hot. Yeah, that's a good town.

Well, you know, buy a bottle of bodega cat. We got a shout out some new partners for Bodega Cat. By the way, shout out Lartuzi. Fucking one of the best restaurants in New York. New York City, putting it on the menu. So it's not just, it's in their cocktail. I think they're doing an old fashion or something. Now we're talking.

That should be soon. And that's like a, that's a big deal. We got high tops and tomonium. What is that? That's outside of Maryland. Great bar. What are these live shows for you guys? No, no, this is our whiskey.

Selna Hooch. Oh, modern mammals is my shampoo, magic mine. Really? Oh, I love modern mammals. Oh, yeah. It cleans your hair, but it doesn't look like you wash it. You'd both like it. Right.

And you need it, man. Thank you. I'm just kidding. Come on. Wait, you have your own whiskey? Yeah, take a swig. Take a bottle. Happy medium cocktail bar in San Diego.

I'm going there this weekend. Hopefully you showed up. You couldn't really sign the bottle? We will. We will. We're in Lartuzi in New York. Shade Bar in the Village, Strip House. That's a great bar.

I love Strip House, Comedy Seller, Comic, New York Comedy Club. Martin's Wine Seller, Inola, Winser Court, and Bodega on Magazine Street. It's Justin's spot. He's a comic. Great, great, great convenience store. And it's all on the menu there.

That's huge. That's so cool. Yeah, he's got great burgers there, too. Oh, yeah. Well, guys, thanks for listening. Go see Pete on tour and follow all his stuff and buy a bottle of bodega cat. Bodega Cat, Bodegat Whiskey.com. And I wasn't nervous about selling Town Hall.

It's not even really. I don't even think about it. I just kind of go like, yeah, it'll be fine. I'm going to work on my Sam. It'll be fine. Say, it'll be fine. It'll be fine. Yeah, solid.

I was good. It was all right. Godfrey does a pretty good say, him. Yeah, yeah, he does. Godfrey does a pretty good say. I can't do it. But I can do, okay. Oh, you mean Godfrey, Godfrey.

Yeah, not Gilbert. Black Godfrey. Yes. Oh, great. That's not the end of it. Thank you guys. Comedy. Sunday's a day for my next fender.

A bit of fever wreck. You know the fear choose close. I've had a little too much birth and Norman's talking shit about the fucking poke, and I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming, and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans,

this woman doesn't look like I remember her, and I get down in the same way. We might be true.