We Might Be Drunk - Ep 263: JP McDade - Rachel Feinstein - Scott Rogowsky : Holi-daze with Mark Normand and Sam Morril

Episode Date: December 22, 2025

JP McDade, Rachel Feinstein, and Scott Rogowsky join Mark and Sam for a stacked episode packed with chaos, crowd stories, and comedy shop talk. With guest bartender Maddie (@maddieshuman on IG) keeping the drinks flowing, they get into stand-up road madness, industry gossip, dating disasters, hecklers, bombs, wins, and the weird energy that only happens when comics hang out offstage. Loose drinks, loose mouths, and a lot of bad ideas. JP McDadeStand-up comedian and writer https://www.mcdadebaby.com/bio Rachel FeinsteinStand-up comedian and actress https://rachel-feinstein.com/ Scott RogowskyTV host, comedian, and creator of HQ Trivia https://www.instagram.com/scottrogowsky Guest Bartender:MaddieFollow Maddie on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/maddieshuman Sponsored by: To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/DRUNK Right now, Soul is offering 30% off your entire order https://GetSoul.com Use code WMBD Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/drunk Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets ⸻ Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #JPMcDade #RachelFeinstein #ScottRogowsky #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #bodegacatwhiskey 00:00 Holiday Vibes and Bartender Maddie 02:22 Festive Drinks and Holiday Traditions 03:33 Comedy Show Trips and Flying Stories 10:09 Big Celebrities in the Crowd 12:33 Celebrity DMs, Online Etiquette, and Sliding In 17:47 Holiday Plans and Standup Gigs 24:08 Hangovers, Adderall, and Life on the Road 29:20 Basketball With Adam Sandler 33:15 Sponsor Messages and Comic Banter 37:40 Holiday Gift Exchanges & Comic Impressions 41:47 Wild Bar Stories and Dating Mishaps 48:36 Crazy Exes and Relationship Horror Stories 56:46 Podcast Career Stories & Clearing the Air 01:01:36 Getting Personal: Breakups and Dating Apps 01:10:11 Older Women & Dating Preferences 01:17:53 Comedy Roots, Early Open Mic Days 01:26:08 Plugging Shows and Standup Memories 01:31:01 Comic Camaraderie & Writing Process 01:34:42 Closing Thoughts, Reflections, and Farewells Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, happy holidays. This is, this is, oh, look it. We're rolling around here. This is a, this is a good time of year, man. Look at this. I feel like Clark Griswold here. And we got a Santa, Manora, Kwanza. Like every other building in New York, 99% Christmas, and then we stuck a little

fucking Minora. Yeah. But Hanukkah's over. Labia Majora and Minora right here. Maddie. We got a bartender for this episode. Yes. Where'd they find you? The internet. Ah, only fans. Oh, Craigslist. Hell yeah. Craigslist.

Was that around your swinging time, Peters? Does she come with a cock ring? I started with an inquiry for feedpicks and... Oh, my God. That would be hilarious if Matt was doing dirty shit. He was like, you can come on, but you got to show us your pussy and we're like, Matt. Oh, my Jesus. Oh, man. Holy hell.

He said lingerie is my costume. Whoa, is that what he... Oh, Peters. You're a dog. Peters, apparently you're a casting couch rapist. He sent her a G-string? A C-C-R. Oh, it came with.

Oh, it came with. Oh, good. All right. He still picked it. We came with it, too. Right out of the box. Okay. Wow, Maddie.

Good to have you. Good to be here. Are you a Christian lady? My parents never really forced any religious. on me, so. Wow, so progressive. Yeah. They've been very much like you can do what you want. But what do they celebrate?

Christmas. Oh, all right. Yeah, so you did Christmas. We did Christmas, but there was never like a church in sure, same here. My parents forced something else on me. But, yeah, we had a good time. Well, yeah, you'll be whipping up some libations, some adult what are we doing here? I was thinking old-fashioned. Wow. What's the twist? What's the twist?

This is some ginger powder that I just got from Zanzibar. Whoa, I love it. Zanzibar. We also have lactate eggnug, if anyone is feeling. I'll do some eggnog as well. I'm just an eggnog fanatic. I put in my coffee starting December 1st. I like a little eggnog.

I can't think of it without the classic Davidel joke, Elfcom. Yeah. Elf cum. I can call this cocktail to cum tini if you can. Ooh. All right. That's what he calls me when I come. Go team

That's good I'm excited Yeah this is a This is a good time of year You just I want to hear about this show You flew out like a psycho For one night

Yeah You went to So I almost did a West Coast trip Two for one night For the Knicks Inseason tournament championship I bought the plane ticket And then I

My friend's tickets fall through And I was like I was feeling kind of sick So I was like Let me just fucking Did you get a refund? Yeah of course Yeah of course

Woo Oh yeah How about you So you went to L.A. I'm such a Well, cunt, because Adam Ray goes, do my show, and I go, ah, it's in the middle of it's Tuesday, and it's a cross-country flight. He goes, I'll fly you Delta One. I said, I'm there.

Yeah, but he would have done that any day probably. I know. He's generous. He's very generous. Although sometimes I'm like, just give me a middle seat and I'll take the pay. No, shut up. You don't want to be going in there furious. That's true.

You got to look forward to the flight. Well, I got bad news, Fetty. What? I flew out there. Everything was great. Delta One's amazing. You're on your own entrance. It's incredible.

Yes, at the big airports you do. Yeah. It's pretty cool. JFK, your own entrance, you walk through, you feel like catch me if you can. Yeah. Oh, and how about that lounge? And the lounge is unbelievable. They're bringing out fucking sushi.

Sushi, salmon, drinks. Happy endings galore. Yeah, yeah. It was a guy, but still the thought that counts. Yes, yeah. I had a comitini. It was great. And did the flight.

Flight was good. Get the laydown. Amazing. You don't want the flight to end. I get to L.A. Is that through any movies on there? What did I watch? I watched The Darkest Hour.

Oh, I heard it's good. It's pretty good. It's about Churchill. Oh, I love. Yeah. And Gary Oldman killed it. He's good. Very good.

So I landed L.A. I go to the hotel. I shower. Go straight to the Wilterns theater. Where do you put you up? Hotel Figuero. How is that? Very nice.

Very nice. Downtown L.A., but nice. Yeah. That's how they get you. We stayed downtown for that Netflix thing. I was like, you're like, man, this is a nice hotel. You walk 10 feet. You're like, think of the hotel.

That's what we'll stay here. That was dicey as fuck. Skid row all day long. Tents, fentanyl. Skid marks when I walked out. Jesus Christ. Yeah. There you go, Mattie.

Shake it up. Yes. Love it. Michael J. Fucked. So go to the Willtern. Guess who's in the, I get there, the green rooms of buzz, there's food, there's a bartender. The Wiltern's gorgeous.

Gorgeous old, classic L.A. theater. Yeah. So I'm already in my head. Like, ah, I flew here. I better kill it. You know, it's a sold-out theater. It's the last one. Here we go.

I'm a little nervous. He's retiring, Dr. Phil? That's it. It's over. I just showed up to make sure it was dead. That's really why I went. Enough's enough already. And I get to the green room.

I'm kind of in my head. I want to do well. It's all off the cuff. You know, you can't do anything. It's a tough show. It's a tough show. I've done it once in Phoenix. I had fun, but I got fucking, I got wrecked that night.

All I remember was Adam Carolla putting me in a headlock. He was so drunk. I think I was taking the hug his father should have gotten. And I was like, oh, fuck. But we had fun. We had fun getting lit up. He's a strong guy, Adam Carolla. Oh, yeah.

He's like a football player. Yeah, there's a lot of rage there, too. Oh, yeah. But he was fun to get drunk with. Yeah, he can put him back that Carole. Yeah. And I just, and I look like his illegitimate son. So it looked even weird.

It's like, he was like, I'm sorry. It's like his head in your arm. I'm sorry, son. Yeah, yeah. A lot of brillo going on over there. Oh, my God. Two eyebrows total. So who's there?

So it's, I don't know if I can give it away because they come out. like a month and a year these things. Just say it. All right, fine. It was just like a who's who of his favorite guest.

It was me, Harlan Williams, Urkel. The big three. And Santino. Nice. Bobby bailed. And somebody else.

So, you know, we're all hanging out in the green room. Oh, my God. Look at that. What is this? The egg nod?

Oh, the comteeny. Wow. Awesome. Wow. It's nice and cold, too. That's a great glass. Thank you, Med. Hope you like it.

Oh, my God. Wow. That is too good. This is too good. What are women complaining about swallowing? This is fucking incredible. It's not going to hurt your stomach. You got that right, lactate.

Yeah. That feels anti-Semitic. I drink whole milk. You don't drink whole milk? I do, but I figured, you know. Because I'm a Jew. Yeah, the gauze are going on down there. The gas chamber.

There's a sea. It's fire. We can handle it. So who's the big name? I guess there wasn't one What? You said there was someone big in the crowd Oh, in the green room

In the crowd, oh sorry I thought you meant on stage Yeah So I'm already nervous And then guess who's in the room Take a wild guess Big celebrity Mike Tyson

Give me a I'm talking current Like current hot celebrity Oh Brad Pitt No But that type of celebrity Yeah Maybe more pop culturey

Damn I don't know Oh Timothy Shalame from Matt Peters No, but Glenn Powell No, no I'm close Somebody I'd be nervous around

I see Glenn Powell Go, hey look at that hunk Yeah, so like a guy or girl Girl Oh, okay We were way off Bonnie Blue Are you gonna run

No No, no, no Oh fuck Biggest, maybe one of the most Famous ladies on the planet No Actress, not a singer You guys keep going singer

Give me an age range I'll say 25 to 35. There it is. Cindy Sweeney, the SS. She's in the crowd, tits and all, titler. That's what I call her.

Sidney for a comitini, I'll tell you. She's all right, that one. So you're just like, oh, you know, because you already... Was she there with the boyfriend or not? Yeah, what's the name? Poopi-duppy, what's that guy's name? Mark, Mark nagging him in front of her. What's your name again?

Dips shit. Scooby-Doo? Something like that. Skipper, Scoop her, Scoopy. Scootter. Scooter Braun. We got it. Jewish? He's got to be. Braun's got to be Jewish. Yeah. How about that? He's drinking the lactate egg nod. I'll tell you that much. Yeah. Well, he's got two iron domes at home. Yeah. Because holy moly, she's just right there. Like, right where Maddie is. Did you have a moment with her? No. I got a restraining order. But no, I didn't want to go near her because everybody's bothering her. Everybody's all over her. By the way, you see the Zion text.

Is that real? I hope so. I hope so. I fucking hope so. It felt made up the Zion Williamson text. She must get those five times a day. Yeah, but I don't think she's a type that would post them. Oh, it wasn't Sweeney. It was Sidney Thomas, sorry. Oh. No, no, it was also a Sydney Sweeney one, though.

Oh, okay. There was another one, yeah. That's a different lady. Yeah, but he commented on hers. I saw this pose. It was a DM. Got it. Which, like, I don't think, it's one thing to, yeah, let's see.

Zoom in on this. This is gold. Oh, that's Chinese. Oh Doja Cat You're not You're not finding this Come on

You got this Google bitch Hold on All right Aha No No it's a DM You had it

Oh boy But they're like TikToks Oh Yeah but you can't zoom in on that I click it and it goes to Doja Cat Oh wait yeah there it is There it is

Who's this man Get him out of my DM It's Zion with Two Heart Face emojis. Hey, do you play Roblox? I don't know what that is. That's what Kevin Spacey wrote.

It's a kids video game. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, why are you asking? Laughing my ass off. Is that supposed to be, I don't know? Yeah, he misspelled it. Why I asked that? I'm just trying to fuck, L.O.L. I'm good. Rats. This is not real.

I love rats. That's great. Pete turned into Joe Mackey there. But this is what's got to be nice about being an NBA player. You got to do all this smoozing rigamar Let's get dinner. He's just like, I wanted to fuck. Yeah, I've heard from the, there's a famous Hall of Famer who would say

he just would slide in the women's DMs with two eye emojis like. Oh. And it would work. Of course. Yeah. But it didn't work here, but this isn't real. And she's taken for.

So who supposedly posted this? Zion or her? Sidney, this can't be real. I mean, that's easily photoshop. If this was real, it would be like real news. Hmm. True. But you're a lady.

that wouldn't work with you trying to fuck god no see that's what sucks about women well it's just because that's all we want to do but we have to package it with all this other stuff I'm just looking for someone to play Roblox with that would be pretty cool for me the honesty is admirable okay have you slid into DMs

yeah of course same same what do you think this is have you have what's the highest you've aimed oh never that high really it's yeah out of fear that they'll post it no no just out of just i know my hotness level so i'm going melissa mccarthy he's a isn't a handsome guy no i'm going uh susan boyle i go i go low susan boyle post wow who the fuck is this guy i'm just trying to fuck i just want to eat your pussy please come on you can sing while he'll eat you out what rats rats that's my apartment but uh yeah dude i i mean uh so yeah i way i went i

I was like, oh, oh, because now I know she's in the crowd. So I went to, like, high school of me of like, she's hot, I'm not, she's cool, I'm a nerd, she's sexy, I'm gay, I just couldn't get out of my head. So I didn't do great. I mean, I probably would fucking shrink. I mean, Jesus Christ. I know, it's insane. And then in person, it's one of those things where, you know, people go, how'd she look

in real life? The same. Yeah. Exactly the same. She's little. It's a tiny lady. But yeah. That's L.A. man.

Crazy. Just right there. We got Barney Greengrass. They have big fake tits in the front row. Those are real. Are they real? Oh, yeah. That's part of the appeal, I think.

Yeah. Yeah, it's like a Jessica Rabbit thing. Totally. I get it. Totally. She is hot. Yeah. It's not a hot take.

Like I said, look, she is hot. I'll give it to it. I know she was waiting for me to give it up. Yeah. And then you start thinking, well, has she heard all the jokes I've made about her? And then I'm like, no one's heard them. Okay, great. I mean, no one who we've shit on has heard.

I mean, I hope space. He hasn't heard, because then we're never getting them on this podcast. That's true. The way they did a Superman reference on Seinfeld once a week, we get a Spacey out there every week. That's true. Yeah, we need a new petto. Yeah. Who's out there?

Yeah, we need someone to step it up. Yeah. Pete Diddy? Is he a peto? Yeah, he was. No, I mean, it was not consensual. I don't know if he was a Pito. Because Epstein works, but it's girls only.

That's the problem. Yeah. Spacey, you get the boys. there. Yeah. Need an all-inclusive petto for sure. Yes, inclusive peto. Who's it exclusive? It was Fogel? He was a petto. Yeah, but it's an old

reference. It's an old reference. I believe this is a word petter-assed, which means boys and girls. Oh. Yeah, I remember that one from Wabowski. Oh, that's right. Yeah, Walter. He's a petter-ass. Yeah. Petter-ass kiss her. All right. It is funny that they have, like,

just for the English language, we have such specific words. Yeah. Like he's a pito, I'm a petter ass, okay? I don't discriminate. Like, basketballs have 90 words for snow. We have like 45 words for petos. Yeah.

Oh, I think of how many words we have for vagina. Oh, man. Go. Clam, cooter, snatch. Cooch. Cooch, honeypot, hatchet wound, veg. Poonani. Oh, good one.

Old man in the boat. Patchet wound. Beef curtains. It's whatever's important to your culture. Yeah. More words for it. Ah, okay. By the way, we got to fucking do a toast for Rob Reiner, man.

Oh, my God. What the fuck? Horrible. I hate, I mean, this is a drinking pot. We got to pour it out for Rob Reiner. Fucking legend. What the hell. And one of the great, I mean, what a run he had.

I mean, let me go through this. Spinal Tap, the first mockumentary ever made, and it was hilarious. So funny. Wow, how crazy is that that they dated? They were married. They were married. That's a lot of talent. Carl Reiner's son and Gary Marshall's daughter.

That's quite a little nepo jizz. Yeah. Okay, so we got spinal tap, stand by me, princess bride. Misery. Misery. A few good men. Fuck, we're missing one. That's a horror genre, a drama, a comedy.

When Harry met Sally? Thank you. That's the other big one. That's a rom-com. All the genres. Yeah. Now, he was fucking great. You take for granted his greatness.

Yes. 100% yeah he was great his son's a cunt fuck him get some help kill someone kill someone else don't kill your dad it had menendez vibes without the molesting yeah at least let get a molested like that was his last thought right before he was like I should have gotten one no no no I mean dude it's fucking it's it's it's like a tragedy of like I mean I mean dude it's it's like a tragedy of like i mean i've never i can't think of one i know look at this run i know you just said this but i'm really just looking at it spinal tap then something called the short thing stand by me princess bride harry met sally misery a few good men we literally just said that

dude oh yeah i was good president wasn't bad either dude no he was incredible all in the family dude and yeah meathead fucking incredible and his dad's incredible too car rider's so funny i watch both seem like lovely people Yeah, yeah, totally Seems like a cool dude Like no one who had any Who worked with him Had anything but amazing things to say about him

Well, Trump had a nice tweet, I thought Do you want to hear something crazy coincidence That the internet dug up? Oh, his wife took that photo Yeah Michelle Ryan's wife took this photo Whoa, it's all connected Yeah

Holy shit That is wild What a fucking weird photo I know Central Park, I guess. Schwartz, Tony Schwartz. Well, there you go. I heard that's a good book, actually.

Jesus Christ. The world feels dark, man. I mean, it was a rough week. The Bondi Beach, the Brown shooting, the Rob Reiner. It's a bad week for Jews. It is. It's true. He's right.

Horrible. But we always say, ah, he's got a target on his back. Jews have a target on back front, nose, and tits. What the fuck's happening? I'm just saying they don't get enough credit. Credit, that's not the word. They don't get enough pity or what's the word? Empathy?

Empathy, thank you. You go, hey, Jews are having a tough go and everybody rolls her eyes. And you're like, I just love that there's a shooting mark's like, you guys don't get enough credit. Credit was the wrong word. That was right. Ooh, I love this shirt too. Sit in here, buddy. Yeah, right here.

Hey, that is a nice shirt. Yeah, man. You want a teeny? Oh, I'm good, thanks. JP doesn't drink anymore. Really? Yeah, yeah. Big fucking nerd.

Crazy rock bottom or what? Go grab the mic. I make a mean mocktail if you want one. Oh, a mocktail would be lovely. I am a fun mom. Slip a little in. We could use some energy here. So let's give our guest a proper introduction.

A good pal J.P. McDade, hilarious, comedian. Great joke writer. Thank you. Fucking Kniper. Great writer. Good to have you. Great impressions. He does impressions, dude.

I've heard them. You know? What's the, what's the go-to impression? I mean, the one that's the closest is Jessel make. I did that one on the old sticker treat. Really? Killed it. Yeah.

Probably the greatest impression anyone's ever done. Greatest comedian of all time. That's solid. Well, almost has a little walking in the end. He is walking adjacent. Whoa, I never noticed that. Yeah, like very, yeah, each word, yeah. Each word is very, uh, when you're a one-liner comic, you've got to let each word kind of hang.

Yeah, and when you don't have much of a personality, you've got to find something. No, I'm talking about myself. Oh, oh, oh, I thought it was shots fired. I was like, this is a good adjustment impression, starting shit on a podcast. I just forget to do the voice. Happy Kwanza to you both. Thank you, man, thank you. Mark was just in L.A.

You've been on the road a lot lately? Not a lot, no, I've been homebody mostly, but I'm going to be in L.A. in a couple weeks. Oh, nice. Oh, for the awards? Got the old Golden Globes. What did I tell you, this guy, this guy's a punch-up machine. I'm nominated for Best Actress and a Drama. No, right in the old jokes for the Glaze dog.

Nikki Glaze are hosting again? Wow. Did you write on the last one too? I did, yeah, it was a blast. I like that when someone kills and they rehire them. That's how it should be. That's how this business should work. It shouldn't just be favorites and all that.

It should be, you do a great job, you get work. Do you remember what, we're a place with AI. Yeah. Very soon. But we're going to replace our guests with AI so they don't fucking cancel on us all the time. Yeah. You hear that Rizzler?

Suck it, you twirp. So do you remember any jokes you got on that were like, they were like, holy shit, that was a good one? There was one that was like, I remember the day of really crossing my fingers that Tim Salome was going to show up and have his mustache. Because I had one that was in the monologue

that was like, oh, please, please get it there. And I'm watching the red carpet from the writer's room. Like, come on, come on. It's like, yes, we got Shalman. And the joke was like Timothy Shalmay, you have such beautiful eyelashes on your upper lip. That's perfect. But we need that mustache. What is this?

It's a cranberry apple mule with canned ginger. Damn. That's like a 10-word joke. That's fucking great. Yeah, that's true. What's the shortest joke you've ever written? Oh, that's a good question. I was first battling Evan Williams one time.

I just said, Evan, you thumb. That was it. I remember I was battled Sarah Tiana. I said, you look like Chelsea. the handler melted. You might have helped me with that joke. You bounced it off me at least. And then I had one, oh, you know it's a short one? My ex never made me wear a condom because he was on the pill, Ambien.

Yes. That's a very short one. Very quick. You know what that's great? It's like if you have some new stuff that you're trying to get in there. It's like, ah, that went okay. Bang, quick one-liner, get them back in. Yeah. I roasted Godfrey. Just end word. But it killed. Yeah, he killed me. Soft day, even shorter.

Yeah. Wow, golden glow. That's cool they fly you out for that. Oh, yeah. They're all in the same room, I assume. I love to be in a room. You got a sucker for the office. Get me in an office. Same, yeah.

You get the energy, thoughts. You get bounce stuff. Zoom. I hate Zoom bouncing. How long are you out there? It's like a week, but it's going to be a little longer this time. Wow. Yeah.

Do you go to the clubs with her? I did a few times. And that was one of the sickest things about the whole thing is like this fucking monologue and everything, like, it was built in comedy clubs. It was like, you know, you can try to fake it with Hollywood bullshit, but like you You get a comedian, you get them testing the shit in comedy clubs. And, I mean, she ran it like 93 times. Yeah, she's a psycho.

I love that about her. The best. I love that she just runs it on the ground. You got to run it. And remember we did that Netflix roast? How much of that set changed from the live shows? Yeah, when we went to Chocolate Sundays. A lot of it changed that night.

Oh, my God. They were like, what the fuck? Like, Mark, call a fucking taxi. They're chasing us. They got me with a big cane. They pulled her right out of there. You start your roast. They said, like, I ain't scared of you motherfucker.

I'm going to say something spread off the motherfucking person. That was a fucking crazy. Yeah. We bombed so hard. That was eye-opening. And that was the other one we did, DeRay Davis's show, we bombed so fucking hard, too. Oh, yeah. Damn.

Black rooms are hard to run roast jokes in. Yeah. Especially when you're two white guys, you're like, I'll tell you about that P. Diddy. They're like, who the fuck are these guys? Yeah, exactly. It's like, hey, can you guys go along with this premise for me real quick? I'm trying to run. Oh, it's like, you want us to do more shit for you?

You got to entertain us. Yeah, and it's people they don't really care about them. Like, so, John Stamos is there. They're like, who to fuck that? You're like, all right. There's, like, this ongoing discourse about, like, white people who black people don't play about, like, who they love. John Stamos might make the list. Yeah, I'd say so.

Uncle Jesse might have crossover appeal. I would say so. Yeah, but it is weird to just be doing, like, Luigi and Mangione's in the news, and they're like, just fucking. Yeah, right. We get the premise. Yeah, yeah. Talk about the difference between white and black. How about that?

Is there any ones that you wrote that you were like that got cut that were just you're like Oh come on do this one but she was like eh no she was pretty much game for everything But it was like it's a valuable lesson like not counting your chickens if you have like some big project that you're writing for because it's like All right this is gonna go you know we've run so many versions of this and then like the week before it's like either it stopped working Or we found something else that goes better there so it's just like try not to put your name on too much shit and just like let it be what it is you know Yeah goof off fuck around have some fun like A good room. A lot of funny people we know, like Mike Lawrence. Oh, Lawrence is the whole time.

Ian Carmel. Nice. Oh, that's good. It's good room. Very good group. Damn, that's great. I get nervous pitching, because I've only written on a few things, but if you pitch a whiff, boy, it hurts. You feel it in that room. It's a real bomb. Bombing, pitching something in a room like that is way worse than bombing and stand-up. Because you respect everybody and you want them to respect you.

It feels like a mic. It truly does. We just look in a comic face and you're like, oh, fuck. Exactly. Oh, that's painful. I pitched something that got zero, and then later, Anna Dresden, very, very funny. Comic and writer, she's written on my time. She was an L.N.L. Yeah, she was a head writer, S&L. She's like, you pitch that joke, and then your face just went backwards.

Like, I went, got sucked into a void, ceased existing. Oh, man. Yeah. It's high pressure, baby. Are you guys doing the family thing this year, waiting for Christmas? Yeah, doing a girlfriend's family thing. Oh, me too. Yeah. Where's the girlfriend? Pittsburgh.

Oh, I think it's a underrated town. Absolutely. Thank you. Everybody hates Pittsburgh. I like it. We might be shooting a movie there. We'll see. Yeah.

We don't know. But yeah, Pittsburgh's cool. Pretty town. That was where we got stuck on Sunday when we were there. I remember that. We were trying to find food before like the Sunday shows. Everything was closed. We wanted to go into Fogo de Chow at 4 p.m.

We had the meat sweats on a fucking Sunday early show. Well, it's hard to not lift that flag. You got to do it. It's just free meat. You don't want to surrender. No, no, exactly. It tastes so good going in, and it's so bad the rest of the way. I know.

They're coming at you with swords of beef, and it, like, awakens your instincts from the medieval ages or something. Exactly. You can't say no. You don't want to quit. That was, I was fucking fun, though, dude. That was maybe the worst I've ever done stand-up comedy. And we're not exactly mobile acts.

No. Sorry, Jerry. But, uh, Jerry giving a shit for not moving on stage. But, uh, no, but we were in the pocket. Why don't you move around? We don't know how to have residences at the beacon, Jerry, John. We're doing clubs. New York Comic on 24th Street.

The stage is this big. So, yeah, Fogo de Chow's great. Yeah. Yeah, we won't be doing that for Christmas. So you're with the lady. Yeah, going to Cape Cod. Beautiful. That's nice.

I'm actually looking forward to it because we've been grinding so hard. I just want to sit and drink for like seven days. I'm going to New Orleans for a few days. I was just literally, my friend, my boy Chase, you know, who was like, we should go somewhere. I don't know my passport right now. It's getting renewed. And he was like, where do you want to go? And I just pulled up the Knicks.

road schedule. I was like, how's New Orleans? And he goes, let's fucking do it. You mean your homepage? Oh, yeah. Hit me with for Rex. I'll send you a whole list. Oh, I've already got a long one from Sean Padden. Oh, beautiful. But I've been there a bunch. You know, I know, I know some spots. Where are you going to sleep? I forgot

the hotel wearing. It was nice. Quarter? Yeah. Oh, nice. Gotta stay near the quarter, man. All right, all right. But yeah, I'm just visualizing. I see a psychiatrist like once every three months just for pills. And she was like, you're going on a vacation. I'm like, she's like, you'll get rest. I'm like, I'm just going to get shit-faced in bars every night.

And she was like, all right. Well, if you give me Adderall, I can keep drinking. Yes. That's really what I'm taking it. That's the angle. I'm taking it for all it's worth. Circle of life. Are you an Adderall guy?

Oh, I had no idea. Concerta. Oh, yeah, that's good stuff. Yeah, fucking get me fucking. Oh, dude, you think I'm listening this well naturally? I had no idea. You fooled me. on drugs, baby. Wow.

I love it. That's a thinking man's Adderall. That was in my last special. You ever take an ad roll and really listen to your girlfriend? Oh, I remember that joke. Yeah. You get points. They're like, you're good and they're like, this is I'm cheating. I'm a performance enhanced drugs, dude. Hey, you're juicing. I feel great. Damn. Adderall. It's the best hangover cure ever, by the way.

I mean, it's probably not good to take after a hangover, but who gives it? You're ready fucking poisoning yourself. Exactly. That's right. Might as well let it ride. Yeah, I was with Rachel last night. and I was like, we should get fucking hammered right now. And she goes, nah, I shouldn't. I was like, why don't we? Of course we shouldn't. Sure.

But it'd be fun if we just got hammered. You're going to have to make a better argument than that. Yeah. That's what I was trying to explain to Jerry. He's like, why would I do blow? And I'm like, well, you don't, you're not supposed to do blow. That's the point. It's fun.

Yeah, no, no, we're trying to find a chink in your armor. Yes. You're perfect. Easy, Gillis. Remember when that guy got fired from ESPN for saying that about Jeremy Lynn? He was Asian. Oh, my God. Yeah.

And I'm like. And that's an expression. It is. I think that was the cover of the post, too, one day. It was chink in the armor. By the way. He's pulling up his, like, defensive box plus, minus. To be like, no, really, his defense is not good.

It's a chink in the armor. He's a cone out there. Right. No way. Holy fuck. That's not real. That's not real. That's one thing.

Speak of the devil. Hey, hey, speaking of prescription drugs. Here we go. It's Jerry Seinfeld, ladies You can't see He's back That would be fun if he just wouldn't stop coming We'd be like, all right Jerry

You know, like we have friends who Big celebrities call them And they're like, oh fuck, Louis He's calling me again, you know Is there anyone who calls here You're like, I remember Artie Langston once It made me laugh so hard about

I used to wait three hours To see Andrew Dice Clay live Now I dodge his phone calls I was like, holy shit Perfect example Yeah We had the opposite last weekend the opposite effect

when we played ball with the Adam Sandler yeah tell me about this incredible the guy is a demon on the court really he's a maestro it's crazy yeah a run and gun high tempo 58 year old point guard that's not an anyone scouting oh I told him his NBA comp is Jay kid up but on the Knicks yes

he's old but he still got the vision crafty yeah Sandler's the best he threw a pass that I mean it got deflected but then it went through my legs dude but how about the he threw Sandler threw one that was like it was like a yokech like behind the head and everyone went whoa

because the guy that old on the court the bar is low right and he's on a Hawaiian shirt in his late 50s cooking 25 year old comics yeah but now you see dudes in a Hawaiian shirt in a court and you're like hold on he's a hustler

just in case yeah well dude Woody and in white man can't jump that's right dressed is like a fucking nerd Brady bunch a little cyclist hat yes those were hot back then sit down hey sit down

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which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. Thank you. Rage. Hey, guys. I haven't seen you since we got fucked up at dinner. Oh man, we got me, Norman, Rachel, Liz, we go to Lartuzzi.

They serve bodega cat now. We got fucking hammered. Yeah. It was a great meal. That was a flight to L.A. next day was brutal. We were so hammered, Mark, we were so fucking hammered. We're walking on the street. And Norman finds a walker on the street and just, we're drunk enough that he starts using it as a prop and gags.

By the end of the night, it's just an actual need. It was so dumb yet so perfectly hilarious. He was just like, I can't walk, but I can walk. You complaining about getting up early was infuriating me because I know I'm getting up at 7 a.m. with my baby and he's like I got a flight's rough

well I got up with the baby too maybe then flight yeah I gotta get up and leave my family it's hard for me too this is me with my family there's no dad Mark you gotta take a holiday photo where everyone's holding an AK 47

you gotta do one of those I love that do you want to drink yes please this is Maddie Hi, Maddie. Thank you for having me. I'll have, what was that thing you gave me that night? That was pretty good.

A paper plane? Roofie. It didn't take. She's got a strong constitution of this one. I'll have an abortion pill. I've never been harder. Let's get rid of that thing. When are they going to mass produce those?

Like blue chew. Just saying, make them easier to get. I'm an amending machine. Thank you. Should we get the gifts out of the way? Oh, no. Oh, I feel like an asshole. What is this?

Listen, these two could be for either of you, honestly. Let's see. I think that's from our time. Oh, this is definitely for Mark, yeah. Oh, hey. All right. Yeah. He's ready going down a pole, if you know what I mean.

All right. Ooh, NYPD. Oh, these are my size. Thanks. You said you wanted those, Sam. Oh, that's yours. Those are too big for me. All right.

Take them. Thanks. Back the blue. I'm sure you can. This is a great move. I bring a woman back. I just take my pants off. I knew it.

I was about to say you could ironically work that into a blow job that would be a bit. Yeah. I'm packing heat. Yeah. I'm just about to get blown. I'm like, oh yeah, blue lives matter. Here's my nightstick. I knew you had to punch that up into a bit.

Don't bring a black girl home. She's like, I'm out of here. Oh, my. If I had a quarter. All right, you're Jewish. I know. I knew that was like just let it linger. who's coming.

I can't make that one. I brought you some hollah. Oh, my goodness. Thank you for the shirt. This is very cute. Yeah. Well, I love you, boys. My baby's already wearing your other onesies.

Really? Oh, yeah. It's very sweet. Well, you know how I root for you, foul beasts. Thank you. You want to do a paper plane, too? Right now? Yeah, man.

You're fucking done with that, basically. Come on, what are you a fucking pussy? Well, I'm going on the egg dog train. Oh, I'm scared. My pussy hurts too much. I can't possibly do it. That takes courage It's actually tougher

Yeah, I'll do a plane Yeah, let's do three planes 9-11 One night Three planes going down Yeah Oh man I just watched Castaway again

Oh man I got a lot of problems with it It is a good movie It's great But that ending It's like come on It's too He hasn't been gone that long

She's got a whole new life Four years he's gone Four years he's gone She's got like a husband A baby. Yeah. They mentioned the Tennessee Titans Super Bowl to put a timestamp on it. They were like, Titans made the Super Bowl.

Almost won, too. Yeah. I think that was to show it was awkward. They didn't know that. They couldn't get real. They made out. They made out big time. I spent full out.

The girl moves on it. I never saw it. Oh yeah. Helen Hunt moves on. She married Mr. Big. If it was a guy, he would have moved on in like two weeks. My mom's, like, one of my mom's best friends, like, had leukemia. The guy was, like, at a square dance with another chick, like, a week later.

Jesus, a square dance. By the way, this is the second movie where she runs out in the rain. That's as good as it gets, isn't it? Oh, I was just about to ask for that. But Helen Hunt had a run. Yeah, and a rack. And a rack. She was the original Sweeney.

I don't know by that. That's not. The new thing in any TV show is tits in the first episode. Really? The last few years, like big reveal, show some tits in the first episode gets a lot more viewers, I think. I remember, do you guys remember that movie from like the 90s or something? It's like a super old film. And all the women are lined up in bikinis.

Hook. And then their boobs pop up one by one and they make titholes in the sand. That was always my dream when I was a young girl to grow up one day and be a lady that would make titholes in the sand. What is that? I think it's maybe top secret. That's a great movie. What a greatest comic is the whole time? Is that it?

Just Google Tid holes in the sand. That was my main goal as a young child. Yeah. I was like a really bad student. My mom would always take me to get scanned. They just figured, like, I don't know, they'd keep scanning me and something would come up. And before one of my brain scans to figure out why I was such a throbbing tard,

we watched this movie. Oh, this is exciting. I just want to grow up and make titholes in the sand. It sounds like the sequel to islands in the stream. There you go. Well, you've got an ample rack, right, Rach? Oh, thanks, Mark. I mean, but at this point in time, and they hadn't really sprouted yet.

A sea? What are you working with these days? I'm sure the baby ruined everything, but you know what I mean? Rewend everything is great. Thank you. every time I see Mark he says something more devastating Mark has like

play by play changed the way I view myself I'm trying to compliment your shattered myself seeing every time I see it What do you got a couple of days? You just said my body was wrecked by my baby I was joking your body's great Every time I'm like if you were a disaster He wouldn't say this

That's part of the judge I try to keep that in mind That's what I tell myself When I'm flapping around And the wee hours of the night, replaying Mark's haunting. Okay, you admitted it. I love Veter's joke about how his wife after breastfeeding to not return her breasts in the condition that he gave them to the baby. If I or her, she should shoot him right in the face for that.

Dude, at Carnegie Hall, I had to like watch her just listen to all his jokes about him. And my open her after Gary's usually like, man, that guy hates his wife and always gets a pop. Couldn't do that one. Oh, I did it. Acoustics of Carnegie Hall So what? C plus Oh my bra size I think 34C

I mean I don't know That's the ideal tit That's a great tip Especially with your frame Rachel That's very impression Again I just want to thank my team At WMA like I got By the way Mark

It's not pluses and minuses It's double I don't I was joking Yeah A negative I love that he stopped down The podcast I know

That was incredible. We saw some hoisted racks. Classic Salachuse moment. Excuse me. But had no problem with the rest of my life. Yeah, you fucking nerd Salacuse. Thanks for correcting the joke. Actually, shut up, Poindexter.

Yeah. Egghead. Now, who was, what you say? What rack? No, we saw some hoisted racks at that roast in Atlantic City. Oh, yes. There was many a shines can't. What was that?

The Jersey Shore roast. Was it a jersey short roast? Was it? A tee shirt. He came with me and. helped me. It was like the most fun night. Oh, yeah. It was awesome. Yes. Yeah. That was amazing. I mean, I feel like the guys, the guys were more a little more into it than some of, I feel like some of the women did not care for the things. Yeah, most of the women were like, they were aware of what was going on but didn't

care. And the guys were just like mostly too stupid to get what was going on. Yes. Pauly do seem pretty normal. And, um, and the situation who we were mainly roasting. Now they're bringing back Jersey short, but it's like just like they couldn't recast it. We talked about this during the rest, but like they combed the land and they couldn't find greater morons than these people. So now they're just like the same. But they're like,

the situation of like the all-time worst roast set out back in the day. Yes. Yeah, they're like, let's run it back. Jesse Nick followed him on that roast. There was the roast of Donald Trump. He was also dressed like my, like one of my aunts that like a

bot mitzvah or something. He had high-heeled shiny like tap shoes on. JP said it looked like what did you say again? Like the Revenant? No, it looked like he had gone shopping at like a dead lady's estate sale. It looks like he's had a lot of work down his face Yikes

Yeah he has the nose of the old man from up basically Oh yeah Yeah it was it was a pretty fun night I mean it was me and him and Christy And oh hell yeah Was Vinnie D or Vinnie there? Yes Vinny was there He's cool

He does stand up now Good guy Bringing our brand down But no actually he was pretty fun He was cool He was funny and he was cool and he could take a joke Yes Yeah he was good

I mean, I feel like the guys in general were down for all the insanity that we said to them. Did he bomb again? I was terrified of Snooki. She did not care for my horse shit. Wow. She's tiny, huh?

Yeah. And me and J.P. Both fucked Polly D. Hey. That's cool. Good for you. It's Hanukkah. She's ripped.

Now, did he bomb again? I think we bailed before. Do we? Oh, that's hilarious. He got out of there. Thank you, man. Because he went last. And he went long.

He's been a lot of time. This is literally the all-star lineup here. The booze, the seltzer, the coffee, the eggnog. Here, here. Why not? How'd Chris D. He did great. Hell yeah.

Here we are. All right. Shanta. Police, Navidad. Cheers. Cheers. I'm not winning this time. Amen.

God willing. There we go. Wow. Maddie, you've got a gift. This is great. That is delightful. My first one ever. You've never made one?

We took the hymen. They're pretty standard, though. Bar I work at's more of a, here's a high noon and a vodka soda. Where do you work? I work on the Upper East Side at the Stumble Inn. Oh, I've been there. Freed used to do a show there. That was a great show.

There's an open mic every Monday if you guys are ever. I'll check it out. I'll see you there. That used to be my circuit when I drank. It was like all the bars that are named after like stages of alcoholism. Yeah. It'd be like 13th step. Same owner.

Remember that one? Did they? Jason Cantor. Now it's like the domestic violence or something. We got hammered there. Oh, yeah. No, now it's downtown social. Sure.

Oh, yeah. Then it was down the hatch. Down the hatch. Yeah. I ended up there one night. Have you ever been said? There was like a bar called American trash that was pretty fun. So which one?

American trash. Yeah, that was a fun one. That was a fun one. But the one that was down the hatch is right by the cellar. Yeah. Seventh-ath. They got beer pong there. That was a fucking, you get humble quickly.

I ain't what I used to be. These college kids It's like the NBA I'm like in my day We weren't bouncing and sending it back like this They're shooting like European draft picks over there It was fucking insane Ari's wedding

We were we were getting Trounced by these guys We had a couple we had a couple That one guy was a fucking ringer dude Yeah What happened Mark and I were we were playing a lot of beer pong Because we wrote that into our movie

That we were really good at beer pong And that were like hustlers Yeah And yeah we were playing that one guy Was a fucking sniper I know We need a couple good games, though. Yeah, that's true.

We'll get a bad. We just got to get back in the gym. Yes. We'll go to the bar. We'll fucking work on the Jay. Do you have that to stumble in? You got beer pong? No, we don't.

Okay. We used to. Everyone asks for it. Well, you know what the kids do now? I noticed they used to, uh, we used to just take the dirty ball, throw in the cup and you drink the beer. Now that it's all water cups and you just drink your beer in the side when they make it. It's for hygiene. I don't like that.

I know, but, dude, do you think about it? It's pretty gross. We drank those. Absolutely disgusting. That's part of it. There was some sort of beer pong league at one of those sparse issues. There's nothing saddered that being like the head of a beer pong league. Like what kind of throbbing guttural alcoholic are you?

What time you're going to be back, honey? I think I'll head up the team for the season. You're puking and your wife's like, what happened? The team lost. Yeah. I played hard is what happened. Yeah. We lost once in beer pong back in the day.

I was super young and my friend who was playing beer pong. And this fucking dude kept talking shit to me. And I was like blackout drunk. talking shit back and then he beat me and I was so hammered I started throwing the empty cups at him and he was like all right all right and then I was so drunk I grabbed the water cup and just hurled it at him and drenched him and my friend just looked from outside he just saw through the window the guy's choking me out again just some giant dude choking me out whoa and uh I love this guy's so fun I walked in like no no no it's all right I deserve it

Was he the bouncer? No, it was just some guy who beat us in beer pong. But I was just that drunk that I threw a water cup at him. I remember watching these guys play beer pong and not understanding that it was like a dumb, not a sport in any way. And like I had a big crush on this guy at American Trash that was playing beer pong. And I remember there was this other girl, Heather, who was like somehow even sadder than I was probably because she was older at the time. And she was sort of like swaying and kind of. And she was sort of supporting him.

And I was like, oh, are you, like, dating the guy? She goes, I'm just cheering for him, which is one of the saddest sentences I never. Just cheering for him. There's nothing sadder than being. Like, being a regular cheerleader and adult cheerleader is dark enough. But cheering for a man playing beer pong. Just take your own life. It's over.

But I went out with this one guy from American Trash and did one of the dumbest things I've ever done on a date. This is, and now I'm like already regretting launching into this story. We were out on a date and I excused myself. and went to the bathroom and then changed on the date into what I thought was a sex-care outfit. But I'm afraid, isn't that the craziest thing you've ever heard? Wouldn't he go? What do you? Where'd you go from?

Well, here's what I did. Okay, so I always have some sort of foul sack with me, the Sam always mocks. Fowl sack. I feel like my bags are so disgusting to men. Her bags are huge. Yeah. If she was in a show, Artie Fuqua's going through that bag.

She's like a medieval peddler coming into the village with her wares. My bags are a turn off to men. They really make a guy flaccid. Nothing like a big fucking sack walking around some kind of fucking mom. It's a lot for sure. Yeah. It's a, yeah, it's kind of the foreshadowing of more. She could take it camping.

But let me tell you, that guy did not notice you change your outfit. Oh, no, no, he did. He actually confronted me on it. It was one of the most humiliating moments of my life. So I think I, sometimes I can't decide what to wear. And then I, this is already insane enough. Like, and I put like a second top in my back. Like, I'm going to have some second lap.

of the evening like I'm hosting the Oscars or something and I just went out with some guy to the saddest bar and I had like a red dress that I wanted to wear the night but I was like I'll save it for later like I was gonna have some second lap of hoaring at which I guess I did was this ad-American trash yeah and then I went to the bathroom they're like we've never had a wardrobe change of this bar this is crazy I know it's already a dot bar what I did was it was this is so dark it's one of definitely one of the more insane moments of my life I pretended to spill on myself now I was wildly trash at this point because I thought I would really seal the deal if you could only see me in a red dress then I would like I would lock him in so then I went to the bathroom was like oops and daisy and then I went to the bathroom and changed into the red dress and came out I was like thank God I've got this with me and it still alarms me that he knew what I was up to he called you on it yeah he was like you had that in your bag and planned all of this also like how insane was he that I that he knew what a what a throbbing lunatic I was.

Like, that's crazy that he can even guess it. But normally, I think a guy would just be like, huh. But the fact that he goes, like, I know what you did. Like, that's kind of fucking awesome that he said that. Oh, it was so embarrassing. Like, he was just like, yeah, I know what you're. We usually overlook everything. Sorry.

No, no. I mean, if a woman did that, if you guys were out of date, wouldn't that be such a red flag? Like, you'd be like, she's fucking insane. I don't think I'd give a shit. I'd be like, yeah, she likes me enough to do this. Yeah, same. I think I'd be a red flag, but I would overlook it.

Totally. No matter what. Same. I'm not going to jeopardize getting laid by Craigxagher in any way. Exactly. Oh, okay. This is terrific. So did you bang him?

No, we just, I just like cock teased him. We just hooked up. Oh, that's a flag. I know. That is the flag. No, I would tell the guys ahead of time. I'd be like, listen, because I never really had sex like casually. So I'd be like if I come over, you know, we can cuddle, but we can't hook up.

I, like, I have a joke about it now, but I'd talk about how like I'm like, I'd still tell them not to do it. I'd be like, if I was your sexual attorney, I'd recommend you don't take this deal. It's not a good deal for you. If some girl did that on the first day with me and she, like, changed her clothes, I would just make a quick mental, don't be like, all right, she's bipolar. And then I would date her for two and a half years. It's not a big deal. It's fine.

Don't introduce her to family. It should have signified that I was better in bed than I was. Because I feel like somebody that crazy, right? Usually they're good. It is a bummer when a crazy chick's not good in bed because you're like, what's the point? Yeah, that happens. So you're just crazy and you lay there? That's horrible.

I know, I'm married to her No, she's great I love your wife Yeah, she listens to the pod Yeah, but for real She's thanks for taking care of the baby I'm here Fucking cheersing a hell

Seltzer to me She's drowning that's taking on top right now Just to spite me It was before you disappointed your wife Norman and Shutter Island Sorry, what did you say, Rachel? I was just going to to say before you disappointed your wife

on all frontiers before you profoundly devastated your wife in every way in every way what was the craziest girl you guys have ever been? Oh, good question sorry I don't know why I can't stop laughing thinking

to Norman in a comedic version of Shutter Island his wife's drowning the baby is like ah you fucking conda what's hell he's been podcasting all these years. He's just been in a room by himself. I'm like, that was a great one, Mark. No, my friend Sam's going to be here any minute.

Mark's like, I'll be at the Chicago Theater this weekend. I'm like, sure you will, buddy. Mark, Mark, there's no such place as Magoobis. Stop, Sam. The Rizzlet's coming, I swear. Craziest girl ever yet. What do you got? Crazy girl, like, a crazy girl that I was hooking up with briefly, like,

with the benefits of the mental illness. I just did not, I straight up did not feel safe in her home. She like, she like sat me on the couch and then like went in her room for like two hours. And I was like, is this like a test to see if I barge in or something?

Whoa. And then she's like, okay, you can come in now. I don't know what happened there. And other similar thing. I think, you can come in now. So you do. Yeah, I was like meeting more Michaels or something.

Yeah. Two hours is a wild stretch of time. Yeah. Which did she look different? Was she like, shaving and prepping her foul body. She was in a different outfit, which we found weird, but, uh... It doesn't really were Lord Michael's just waiting there with Cam Patterson.

We don't see a role for you in this sexual relations. Did Dubb Davidoff scamper off? There was a window open. Did a few rogue prostitutes with Dubbedov? Ben Marshall comes out of the room. He's like, it didn't go well. Yeah, so after Sharmat, that's what happened. Normal stuff, normal stuff.

It turned out all right, but I was like, What do you think she was doing? Did she look any different? No, I don't think she looked any different. But if I had the confidence of your date, I would have asked questions. But I was just like, nope. Got to see this through. Can't risk not getting laid.

Yeah. I'm trying to think. About it crazy. There's a lot. I've had a lot. You've probably heard a lot of them stories. I don't know which one's the craziest. You could probably tell me better, but I don't know.

I mean, I know that Sam went to that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was a crazy. I've done that bit in a special, but that the one about the girl who invited me to a place and then I went there. Yes. That one was crazy. The Asian. Yeah. How about your ex who heckled you at MSG?

But that was like, yeah, that was very, that was long removed. That was pretty crazy. That's pretty crazy. Yeah, my ex got thrown out of the MSG theater. That was fucking wild. Hey, come great. We got another see here. Holy shit, he's dressed up, too.

Wow, looking sharp. Scott's got some great, just coming here. I bet Skies got some crazy exes. This guy's getting engaged every other fucking week. That's true. Speaking of. my seat I got a run I got a oh really already yeah quick in and out I'm so sorry got to come back soon have you man great to see you dude

funny stuff watch the Grammys uh the Emmys yes watch the Grammys too how about the Golden Globes he wrote for the Golden Globes too quick pick quick pick all the way great to see it hey thank you all right JP you the best thank you man Thank you, thank you.

Scott, sub in. Love the outfit. What are we doing here? Holy shit. Happy holidays. Scott, we're talking about a good buddy, the former host of HQ trivia and the new host of, say, what's it called? Savvy. Savvy is the app.

Tech Savvy's the game. We're talking craziest girl you've ever been with. Oh, Lord. We're going right into it. Right into it. You've got a roster. Scott does the thing where he, like, every month will, like, have lunch or something. he'll be like she's the one dude and then like literally two weeks later we're like we called off the engagement

a lot i've been engaged 14 times yeah wait really no no but once this year but i feel like often you're close here's the thing here's January 1st 2025 single man yeah yeah got it January 1st 2026 single man in between engaged but what sort of lithium and then disengaged just like our audience The minute I walk in. No, no. What happened with it? Listen, I don't want to... Well, then tell a crazy.

Go back in time. Roll it back. But actually this rolls into a topic I want to bring up. And I'll tell you the quick story here though. I made a video. We broke up August. So we meet February 15th. I propose May 15th.

We break up August 15th. You proposed in three months. Yeah. Three months, proposed and three months later, we're broken up. What happened in those months that made you say I gotta get the fuck out of here? Again, I want to be sensitive to this. But it was just, I couldn't handle it. I'm going to admit that I could not handle being married.

Her. No, no, I couldn't. We just triggered each other. Every single thing we said became like the end of the world. Whoa. And it was, I've never met someone who was so intimately entwined like that. But them titties, though. Then titties, though.

That's the thing. That's the thing. Rachel. You said it. I can tell when a guy's around. It's like the sex was so good. She knows too. When you find the good sex, it's like you do tend to look past a lot of things.

But then you realize this is a lifetime. And if you can't make three months, you know. Don't try to make yourself a terrible night. Like you guys were sitting there nodding. Like, well, you know, I tried to look past what initially made me proposed, which was a fat pair of tits in the first place. No, obviously wasn't the whole thing. At the end of the day, it's character.

It wasn't the whole thing. She's a brilliant writer. All right. Knock it off. Yes. But the thing is, so I made this. So we broke up August 15th. I make a video that comes up.

September, okay? A couple months after, put on Instagram. Fucking it from behind. It's a little sketch where I'm on the street asking people trivia questions. It's a sketch idea I've had since 2016, mind you. The premise is it's a trivia show. It starts off with like, hey, do you know New York City? Who was the mayor during 9-11, you know?

Giuliani. There you go. And then who's the mayor today, blah, stuff like that. Eric Adams. There you go. And then I go, what do you think it means with my ex-girlfriend's text and it doesn't say delivered underneath? What do you think that means?

It doesn't say, and then, you know, It goes right. It's very personal stuff, right? Yeah. So I did that. I did. How many days after we broke it to my fiancé returned to the dating app we met on?

You know, asking questions like that. And then I read part of a text that she sent me, the last text she sent me, which was like pretty vicious. Really? How vicious? Well, I'll say it. I'll say it. You know, you are someone who doesn't deserve a family.

You're not ready for it. You can't do it. Something like that. Even a broken clock's right twice a day. Yeah. But I read this to these people. I said, what do you think she means by? You know, I was doing that type of show.

That's great. So the video comes out, gets 2,000 views. She sees it. 2,000? Nothing. She's 1,500 of those views. She's going to her friends. Absolutely.

It was a nuclear meltdown. It was a nuclear meltdown because she took it so personally. Meanwhile, I didn't have the hard to tell. I couldn't even have a conversation. But were you guys already broke it out? Yeah, already broken up. Doesn't that mean you're off shifts? You don't have to go online for that.

But by the way, it speaks to a different thing, like talking about people in your life. How do you do it without causing issues? Oh, it's happening. There's issues. There's issues. There's going to be issues. I like to wait a special or two after the breakup. Like, I'll shelf that for a little while.

Smart. But I don't always. Right. I like to just hope my wife doesn't see the show. But I mean, she saw this thing and went off. And she took it so personal. I was like, this actually was not about you, really. It's a premise.

Also, I'm a comedian. Here's what you have to do. Here's what you have to do. I dated somebody that he's like an emotional desert. And that same climate that created the man that says these things that consistently devastate me but make for some fun loving comedy is the same climate that makes him not give a fuck when I talk about him so he doesn't care so smart you have to date somebody so emotionally

devastating wow that they don't care anyway my parents are like that yeah she said you aren't ready for a family were you wearing this jacket what you said that too I was wearing an eyeball jackets this is this is not I got a lot of comments on this I love no I think it's fun I think it's the gap between the pant in the sock that might not be so hot. I got that too, yeah. How do you fix that gap?

No, that is a fucking pus-guzzling suit if I've ever seen. Don't let the haters hate. I'm a walking-builder. Are you not on good terms with her right now? Well, two months after that, she emailed me apologizing, saying she could have been less reactive. So she's crazy. Mark, I'm not going to say it. No, but actually, I actually kind of like when someone's so vicious that then they feel bad for being vicious because you're like, all right, now I'm kind of off the hook.

Can we see the text? You can see the video if you want on Instagram. She sent a video? It's on my Instagram Let's make this 2001. I just said the whole video, though, so I don't know how interesting it's going to be now. Scott Regaski, Instagram.

But, yeah, I mean, it's a tricky thing because obviously comedy, we're artists. We use our life to make, no, you don't. That's what Sam says when he's trying to get a blow job. Come on, I'm an artist. It's art. It's all immersive. We all suffer for our art.

My dick is a paint brush and your throat's the canvas. You offended Maddie on that one. Oh, sorry, Maddie. No, no, no. Hi, Maddie. Sam's like, I'm Sammy O'Keeba. There's too many videos. So stupid.

What do we drink in here? Yeah. Do you want to, can we get Matt, it's got a paper plane here? Yeah, of course. A paper plane? You know, I was saying, I've been sober 12 years,

but I figured today we're jumping off the wagon boys. I'm excited. Let's do it. Come on, for you? I don't want to do that too. Come on. He wants to. No, I'm kidding.

It's a joke. That's a joke. That's a joke. He was drunk in my thing the other night. I was. I can't believe I took you seriously. That's the thing, Mark. It's one of those New York cities.

I think it might be that one. No York City. You're in the same fucking post-guzzling suit. I will have, I will imbi. I'll have a special. So, Do you a real New Yorker? Like a real New Yorker. Do you think you know New York?

Really much. I grew up here 50 years ago on 3rd Avenue and 17th Street. I got some questions for it. The Pulaski Bridge connects. I don't think this is the ones. I think it's the second of that one. Try that one. You know, a lot of people pride themselves.

Slim down. What's the secret? Oh, my God, I'm just not eating. Let's find out. He's just really depressed after this fell apart. Not the Ozzym. No, I'm not doing that. Who's the current mayor of New York City?

Oh, Eric Adams. Who was the mayor before him? Oh, he was a tall guy with the church of marriage. Kareem Abduljarbar? No. When was 9-11? What year? How soon after we broke up did my ex-fiance rejoined the dating app we met on?

One month? Is this it? I'm going to give a couple of months. Immediately, about two seconds after. We were engaged. She's my fiance. I know. It was just a quick two seconds.

In my last text me, she wrote, you're not capable of partnership, not ready to build a home, a family, or life with anyone. What is she talking about? She's not ready. She's not ready, right? She's not ready, yeah.

I love the guy in the white feeder here. She was projecting. So she said you're not ready. She wants a family. Yeah, I wanted a family. I'm ready, baby. I'm ready to go. It might be too late already.

Yeah. 41 now now if he did it you did it late I think it's too late you could skit in the bottom of the ninth and that suit you think I want to have Mark Norman's life though I think you could have a family I think you do it I absolutely think I'm ready I told her I was ready I'm ready dude don't listen to Sam

I'm fucking ready we should have a fucking kid together there's a sitcom there's a sitcom there's a sitcom that is a fun loving sitcom if I've ever seen two Jews one pup I'm ready for it man we go over the pizza place too I think you guys can see the bow Sitcom element. Came in that suit back to back with Sam with like a fun loving you do the math expression.

Yeah. Perhaps a menorah juggling a menorah and a baby wackily. What is the movie I'm thinking of Tom Selleck? Three boy, a man and a baby. Yeah, there we go. We need a third. We need a third. Run on.

A tell. A tell. Three ages. Yeah, that's good. Now it's like Chico and the man. Yeah. So you want a baby? I do.

I do. I wish you could go out and get one. I think I'd be a good. I think I could be a single dad, too. I'm ready, I'm fucking, I'll do it. A lot of work. A lot of work. Yeah, I need a woman.

Can I say, we cut it out if it's not okay. But when we were all out to dinner, Sam was like at the bar, Sam goes, you know what I think I'm going to do with like the solemn kind of mature Sam? Like he's really settling in a decision. He goes, you think what I'll do? I think I'll just impregnate some insane woman. And then I'll basically, I won't be with her because she's crazy.

But at least I'll get a baby. And then Mark, somehow. You get custody, and I'll get custody, and I'll date a cool woman. And then, by the way, just because I'm, you know, I don't want to be too old to dad. And then Mark was like, Mark was... And then some inverted universe, Mark was the voice of reason. And Mark was like, no, I don't think you can just ignite a crazy trick because then she'll be the baby's mom. Yeah, yeah, Mark's it.

He goes, no, you don't want the baby's mom to be crazy. I was like, huh. Yes, yes, I'll drown him in a tub. This is a running theme. This is like the third baby drown reference we've had this episode. Yeah, put on to Whitney Hughes. Put on some Andrea Yates. She's got an album.

Deep cut. Andrew, you remember the names of these people. I'm a sick fuck. You are a sick fuck. I just read the, I read the dark stories a lot because I'm trying to go up with bits. See, he wants a baby for the bits. Sam, are you attracted?

Who is that hot female murder? Jodi Arias, very attractive. You already have a bunch of a sentence. That Jody Arias was one fine piece of ass. Sam wants to knock up Jody. Was it Carly the baby? No. I used to have a joke about Jody Arias.

She stabbed her boyfriend. 30 times slit his throat and then shot him in the head because he tried to break up with her and women always like why don't be a man and break up with me in my face and I'm like that's why she's kind of got a bobert thing going on she's hotter but the problem is she is dead behind the eyes you can see it oh yeah you can always see it but that

that's why you should break up with a girl on Zoom and then jizz to Jodi Arias instead that's that Sam's moral of this story there was another one who was hotter she killed a kid in Italy or her husband of Italy what was her name I know what you're talking about, but it's a... This is a good holiday. Casey Anthony.

Casey Anthony did not kill the kid. Florida. Florida. She was hot. She went out for like a titty contest. That very big of. That was what I'm saying? She sucked off her lawyer.

Casey Anthony. Oh, I love her. A little, uh, Alana's Morissette going on there. Dude, some guy... For like a wet t-shirt contest in Tampa right after. Some guy in Tennessee... Pull it up. Pull up the story.

Some guy in Tennessee destroyed his marriage by dating Casey Anthony. That's right. Let's go to a collar. Let's go to a caller. Wait, wait, who's the one in Italy? That's Casey, without the Sunshine Band. That was one in Italy. Wait, am I right about Casey Anthony going in a wet t-shirt contest?

This makes me feel like such a tremendous mother. Just these stories are wonderful. I tell you what, two words you never want to see before your name in an article, Convicted Killer. Sure. No. It's not good. Not good.

Tot mom, neither. You don't want to see that. Oh, yeah. Tot mom is never good. Yeah, look at it. That's with the guy, and she called it off with it. Imagine Casey Anthony breaking up with you. Yeah.

This isn't working. I need stability. You got off easy, though. What did she do, kill the kid? Yeah, her own, right? She's in great shape. Look at those legs. Jesus.

Someone's doing squats. I don't know. A little doughy. But, hold on. What's the Italy whore? Oh, my God. She's not a horse. That's it.

Knox. I believe she was cleared of this. See, when you said a floor, that's when I got it. You got it. Amanda Knox is the hottest. She is quite beautiful. Amanda Knox. Oh, yeah.

Look at that, Sam. Nice Hitler youth kind of look. I do love a Hitler youth luck. You do love a hitler. I like a woman that... Sam doesn't tolerate a whisper of Judaism in his life. I really am attracted if I see a woman. I'm like, she wouldn't have hit me during the Holocaust.

I find that very attractive. I'm like, she would have turned me the fuck in. Yes, a Milano. I remember you dated. Sam went as on a date with this alarmingly hot German woman who he brought me over to introduce me like, I'm like, don't use me as part of your pre-oiling process with a woman. I'm like, look how trustworthy I am, a female friend. Yes.

pre-oiling. She was really hot. No, she was insanely hot, but I'm like, what am I? What I don't have anything to do? I don't want to be inside her, Sam. Take it from here. And then he's like, no, she actually told me that her family helps the people, like, and they hid the Jews in the Holocaust.

I'm like, that's what they all say. They all say they hid the Jews in the hall. It's like saying I have a black friend. They were all there when Dylan went electric, when Dylan converted to Judaism, you know? Are you Jewish? I am joking. Go on. I can't even see Maddie with that nose.

It's in the way. Hey, one breath, I'm good all day. That's it. I can smoke a cigar in the shower. But here's, these are, these are, these are foreign. By the way, I do listen. You see your dick over that thing? That is not seen regardless.

And you brought this up. By the way, I want to say this here. Get it out. Happy holidays. Why is he bringing up your game? I don't know. Happy holidays. I think my introduction should have been, had I had one.

Please welcome. I said that. Scott Ruggowski. Please welcome the most talked about guest getting his first chance to talk. Scott Ruggowski. That's a good intro because I've, how many years ago? Clear the air. How many years?

Six years, no. Six years. By the way, Mark hates confrontation. Six years. This is our Mancia Marin moment. Marin or Rogan? Whatever the hell. Gallagher.

Gallagher Marin. Okay. This is it. I'm ready. Because I'm unaware of this. She doesn't know. No. This is all a bit.

I've probably been managed He really stumbled there I've probably been Oh Is that? That was amazing Are we talking about batteries? He's in the middle

And he was like Tits Okay I didn't bring batteries Is it double C plus C plus You guys are so dumb Go ahead

What is happening But you've been doing the show For six years I've probably been mentioned Six and seven times That's true And listen It's wonderful when it happens

I got a lot of message Oh my God You're a Mark and Sam show Guys I go oh that's cool That's cool Yeah, I'll be invited one of these days, I'm sure, one of these days, you know, for all the times I've invited them onto running late, 12 angry mascots, all the great times we had back at the pit open mic, Mark. Yes, yes, the open mic.

Keep touching Mark as much as possible. Honest to God, this is all a bit. I fucking love you guys. Thank you for having me. No, I want to know what happened. No, there's no air to clear. I'm just fucking around. Mark, ultimately, it's good podcasting.

There's no air. I'm literally joking. It's a bit. I tell jokes. I'm a comedian. No, tell us about the micro penis. So then he talks about micro penis. Oh, this was good.

It's in your act. Yes, because I'm a comedian, Mark. You ever hear about exaggeration? Hyperbole? That's what I said on the episode. I was like, I think it's a joke. But it's okay. And Mark's like, hey, he's got a micro penis.

And I was like, no, I think it's a bit. I'm here to clear the air and to show you. No, no, no, no. Clearly, it's not a macro penis. All right, okay. It's a penis. Yeah. Wait, was I on this episode?

I remember this. Maybe it's because you guys shared the clip. Was I on that episode? I don't know. Salik Hughes, you better find this out and one minute flat. I've had plenty of jokes about it. It is part of my act.

It's a wonderful part of my act, frankly. I'm Scott Growgowski, not Shogowski. Ah, ha. I think most men are. I think most men are. But I had a great joke. Also, I haven't done stand-up in like 15 years. But I still remember.

I remember of this, but for all the top moms that don't know what we're talking about at home, Mark said that Mark mentioned, that you had a micropenus referring to your act. Right. And Sam was like, I don't think you want to announce that he has a micro penis. I believe he meant that ironically.

By the way, Sam deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for this. I remember that. It was great. It was a great moment. But here's the thing. I've since I've talked to him about microp penis. This is a real thing. It's like a button.

That's what we're talking about here. Right. That's the micro. Yeah. That's the micro. I extend to like four and a half. You know, so that's good enough. All right.

It's good enough. That's a micro? That's a micro That's fucking rough That's me when I work out What would you guys? Work out That's shrinking

Oh yeah Why is that? What would you guys would prefer? I think is your body Blood? Yeah it's hiding it For you thinks you're in a fight Yeah I mean listen

There's a men who suffer from this It's horrible It's horrible I mean those tits are fucking rough Jesus Yeah those make de Rosa blush Look at that little Doorbell on the side

Oh my God It's not nice to be Oh I feel great As someone adjacent to the The community. Listen, I may not have a microbus, but I'm an ally to the community, okay? Oh, that's a beautiful. So you're saying you're under average.

I would say under average. I believe that was one of my tweets. And I've, again, these are jokes. They're funny. Nothing wrong with a strong, almost medium. It's almost medium. It's fun size. That's great.

As the greats have said. There's so many jokes about this, Mark, you love these jokes. I love you. That's why I remembered it. Exactly. I've always said, and my grandmother used to tell me this, every Yom Kippoor, she would say, a fat cock can be a real problem. I've heard this.

The girth master. He's got trouble. Because nobody really wants that. I mean, listen, I can't speak for the masses. I'm sure the comments will be flooded. But you don't want some sort of ludicrous dick. What are you going to do with that? It's painful.

Yeah, you want to... It's good for this medium. Guys like it more. Guys think that women are sitting around talking about that all day. Obviously, if a dick is sort of surprisingly large or small, it's going to come up. But mostly you don't want some sort of ludicrous dick like that. It's too hard to wrangle. Thank you.

I wasn't going to ask you, but you agree with you. See this? We have to have an honest conversation about this. Scott might get laid out of this. One time I received a dick pick and it was so big that I never spoke to him again. Wow. And I'm sorry I sent you that. That was terrible about it.

But I'm happy to receive it because I was like, there's no way that would have worked. Is that right? But good for you, man. Yeah, got him. I just assumed you all wanted a fire hydrant. No, it's a problem. Fire hydrant. It's a hassle, right?

It is a hassle. Yeah, it's painful. I once said the dick pick and it was a headshot of Dick Cabin. That's what I do. What is you saying? There's only so much vagina, you know? There's only so much vagina. I have that tattooed on my back.

But there's something interesting about the... And Mark's combed through most of it. That's true. You have combed through a lot of vagina, Mark. Oh, yeah. Before his married days when he was just taking any three-star Uber driver home. Before and after. No, but how...

Oh, you remember that? I do. I remember we were like in Arkansas or something. And like we had like a toothless driver. And Mark was like, hey, he was coming on to her. I was like, wow. I was goofing. Honestly, I thought, I kind of admired it.

I mean, she was, and I mean, this was all due respect. Like, she was ferociously old and pretty heinous. I mean, she was like, ferocious. She didn't have that many teeth. And Mark was like, hey, he was like really working her. I said she was five years younger than Rob Reiner. Somewhere like that. Oh, my God.

We're using Rob Reiner as the reference. I know his age. Why would you use him, of all people? He's in the news. Oh, he is? Yeah, don't look it up. Well, Oscar norms. I do appreciate that not only would Mark, again, this has cut any of this up, please.

I'm inclusive. But, yeah, that you were inclusive. Because not only would you hook up with these ladies. Yes. But the next day, you'd be like, God, God, took four hours to get her off. I was down there forever. At least you know she's got a ride home. Yeah, she rated me.

Got the car. Yeah. Yeah, we had a good time. What's the oldest you've gone? What's the biggest discrepancy? Oldest young. I never car did. It's hard to get the exact age.

No? But, yeah, I'm trying to think it was a Green Acres retirement community. I'm trying to put it together. No, I think it was probably mid-50s. Yeah, same. 58 when I was 30. Nice. Good looking.

Wonderful. Nice. They give. Oh, yeah, bro. I'm a mother. I'm a mother. At my friend's wedding. It was my friend's cousin.

Nice. Yeah. And I'm going to leave with that. Give us what she looked like. What made you decide to take the old. She was like four foot 10 and she was like so petite, a dancer, I like the petite, you know, smaller hands. It's all perspective.

Oh, sure. I know the tricks, I learned the tricks. Makes sense. So she's so sensual. You should get jerked off by Trump. We'd be a good match. Wait, so why do you like small? We're dancing.

Oh, we're just dancing, we're having a good time. I've just realized, I think. Yeah, she was very sensual with the dancing. So we started talking, we didn't hook up that night, But it ended up, she lived in Philly, I was in New York, we made some trips. She used to work at a, like, a freaking strip club as like the, like the madam or something. Whoa. Wow.

She was a stripper. She was a former stripper. So she must have been really good if she's. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah, it was fantastic. She called it the special. She had her thing.

She called it the special. What's the special? What was the special? What was the special? What was the way she up? Oh, that's a tonica. Tell us. A blow job.

Oh, but it was something special about. But it was a special blow job. She took her teeth out? She didn't, she, she, she, that's you with the gummers. Yeah. No, she had her teeth. It was just, I don't know. I'm not gonna, I don't want to spoil it.

Wow. Read the book. Well, at least you save money on the early bird dinners. There you go. He's going to get a call from this late in a couple of months. I listen to a podcast that got 2,000 views. And you insulted me. Well, she's happily deceased now.

So, that's she really? Oh, I'm kidding. You killed it with you. I'm a joke maker. He died at a nursing home with Cuomo. Do you attend that funeral? There you go, Betty. Put her on the board.

Wow. This is so fun. What's your oldest, Mark? I'm somewhere around there, probably 62. I met a woman at a casino in Reno, Nevada when I was like 24. She was probably like 55 or something. She was hot, though. Yeah, my virginity was 55.

Big cans. 55, yeah. You like them old. Oh, yeah. Mark and I have bonded over. And you have always with the covers. Movies and milves. Yeah.

I remember being Alice Sam once in his phone run. I was out with Sam and his phone rang and it just said on his phone Older Woman Tampa. Was it a rotary? And I've never felt as bad for a woman in that moment. Older woman Tampa. She's not even thinking about him and following up like she had her own play in her head, but she was nothing but older woman Tampa just boiled out to that in Sam's mind.

That's the character. That's the character. She was a good woman. But we have to admit, let's, who's got the weirdest name. Tape from the special in Tampa in February 27? Both shows sold out, baby I'm gonna add a night in the new year But yeah

Tampa Tampa's great You love Tampa Tampa's good Good hard drinking craft You've had many a crush on older women It's a very appealing aspect Oh thanks It was better than the other way right

Women always like when you like older women Of course Definitely But I think if you're like an older woman And you keep it tight It's fucking hot Definitely agreed And there are together

And there's just a maturity thing Now it's not They're very grateful When you're down there They're like, thank you And you're moving cobwebs It's the whole thing Um

No They're They're They're more secure They have their own shit They're more They're comfortable On their own

They're not like always waiting For you to figure shit out No it's called lose They've already lost hope That's right That's what it is I couldn't put my finger on it But yes

Loss of hope I love that I find that attractive Belief in finding love or anything like that. And they don't go, what are we? Where's this going? You're going to call me? Oh, you're going to be dead soon, you old man.

Do the dice voice. Mark, please do that hip dance. I like the act out on the podcast. That's nice. Yeah, look at those fucking hips. Take me to dinner at 5 p.m. Oh, shut up. These guys taking UCB classes over here.

Keep knitting, you old. Who's the fuck is happening. We've been drinking. I did always respect. Oh, my God. I love Nix. Dude. Shimmy,

Chimmy Coco Pop. Is it hot in here? It is hot in here. I know. I want to take this off, but I'm like the, did. Take it off.

Let's see those C cups. C plus level. I've been wanting to the whole time, but I'm like that it's going to be some memeable fucking. And they'll put some old lady music to it too that'll devastate me. I'm ready. He'll put the fucking silver dollar dinner to. He's ready for the sweater release.

No, fucking sound cues. Fuck off. He looks like a peeping Tom, this guy. He looks like a peeping Tom. a scumbag. Sal Q's does look like he's like has the eye up to a glory hole in a planet fitness.

You look like the trench coat guy who does this. You look like you would fucking expose yourself. Clint Howard's body double. Yeah. Clint Howard fucking get Ron Jeremy. There you go. Beautiful. Beautiful.

So kind. How are you, Matthew? So you've been like in love so many times. So many times. You've always had hot girlfriends, I feel. That's true. You're a big, you're a good vagina slayer. I guess I'm a good looking Joe.

Yeah, you are. You know, which is nice, because Jewish women love Jewish guys. Jewish women. I mean, it's nice for this day and age, mostly. Stay off certain beaches, but. Listen, you have to, this is what you do. You make the joke. This is what you do.

This is great. This is what you do. This is what you do. I'm a perfect guess, which you could have had 12 of me. You're like a 70-year-old, man. Look, it's important to spread humor. I've seen some of these guests you guys get. Who is your least favorite.

One battle after another with some of these guys. Al Franken, don't get me started That was rough And now I'm leaving New York I'm moving to L.A. again. Why? Why? Why? Why?

You're a runner. I'm a runner. I tend to But I'm not ready for a family, dude. Here's the thing, I'm ready. No, he's like Frank Sinatra. He's always proposing but he's never fucking closing the deal. You're John Carson.

I was ready to close. Why don't you just close? I was ready to close. She didn't trust it. I don't want to get on that. Why don't she trust it? What do you do? He likes the fucking production of proposing.

Of her own issues. Where do you mean? Trauma. I met her on field. You're not ready for a family The kink app That's the kinky three-sum What was the king?

You're not wrong I'm never doing these apps again I'm dead serious about dating I actually I need to meet women in person I always find that in person There's like sometimes I see a picture And I'm like not attracted to her But in person I'm super attracted to her

And vice versa Vibe is so much Energy is so much Pheromones What was your kink on the field It was more hurt kink Small Dick Really?

Oh! What's the moral is you weren't small enough? It wasn't small enough. Isn't that something? She wanted the micropinis, you see? Send to my number. Send to your mind. No, but it was a domination thing.

She liked the sub. Oh. I was great. I got a sub stack. I like to see. Salachuse likes a sub. Party. Party size.

Six footer. He's a real. He's a glutton. He's a glutton. He's a glutton. Does he like a punishing? It was a food joke. S&M.

I'm missing every sexual reference here. Yeah, so she wanted to dominate a guy She liked to be domed, you know Oh, no Oh, I thought every woman like that Well, and then once I started questioning Why, that's when she started getting defensive You know, because I have theories around this stuff

You started breaking down her fetish Yeah, you know, maybe Talk about why you like this Yeah, maybe that's part of the problem Now what does Dom mean? Tied up, a pinching Short for Dominic What are we talking like?

She wanted to get fucked by Domerera Yeah, yeah Exactly What does that mean? Give me some specifics. Dominating. You hold her down. Not against her will, with her consent.

Sure, sure. Yeah, you just held her down in life. Yeah. Folks. I did far. I was very inspired. You're right. Hey, Dom was looking good on it back then.

You're good looking good. Rachel, do you want to explain domination and so? You can explain. That's not, that's not my thing, really. I just like, I don't, yeah, I don't want to be, like, I don't really want to be choked since I find a little alarming. Honestly, but... Yeah, that's a generational man.

I don't love that. I just like a guy to make eye contact with me and to compliment me occasionally. That's what I'm looking for. Rachel's field profile, like, just be nice, please. Don't punch a wall if possible. Don't put a dead in our microwave. Yeah.

That was too real. Can we please like, yeah. No. Let's get real. Let's put it some holiday music there. But the field app is good because you don't have to like date 28 times for her to be like, I like being dumb. You just come out with it.

It comes out with it. But listen, I mean, it was honestly my mistake for probably even being on there because I was. Where are you going to meet someone? Or I'll say this. Well, weren't. You know, you meet people at the freaking dog park now. You know, you meet people out. Look at him acting like he's every days, man.

Not when you're combing the some sort of weird kink app. No, you meet him at the dog park. Look at my mom and pop kind of guy. And I say that, I mean, I've had a dog for three years. I'm not searching getting jizzed on by Dom over. I want to talk to people at dog park. So what's the move then? What's the move?

I think in person is the move. I've got to do more podcasts, you know, and now you can... Have you met Maddie? Maddie, hello. Nice to meet you. How do you feel about Jewish men? Okay. This might be a match.

Okay is the best we'll take in 2020. Yeah, you better believe it. It's not a great week. No, it's a tricky. It's a tricky, never a bad week. Never a great week. Who doesn't love an NJB? Nice Jewish boy.

NJB. See, the thing about being Jewish, the Jewish women love you, of course, but also the six is there is an appeal. There's a Jewish kink. It's true. Yes, no, that it's true. Right? A lot of girls like Jewish guys.

I could touch you up with her if you like. Hey. See, I don't know how I feel about that. I don't like a setup. Even the word set up is bad. You got set up. Oh, yeah. It's fucking, you were free.

And you had a smothering mother. Oh, my God. My parents were set up on a blind date. It worked for them. 44 years marriage, happy marriage. I'll tell you, when I was single, I went on a J date, and I put willing to convert. Who? Did I clean up?

Holy hell. That's the move. You were just trying to get closer to Seinfeld. Your whole fucking profile. But every girl was like that. Jerry, I'm thinking of converting. When you did that, that's so hilarious. I don't know, like 27.

Was that a lie that you were willing to convert? Of course. Of course, right. I'm not even going to convert to Christianity. I'm not converting anything. Rachel used to run my Jewish dating profile and you would just send the most fucking absurd messages to people. It's my favorite thing.

Sometimes they would work. I wrote to one girl. She wrote one girl. She's like, you, a naughty little girl who needs to learn a lesson. Me, a guy who's going to teach it to you. And she wrote back, me, a comedy booker, you, a comedian who's doing my show next week. Oh, fuck. Caroline Hirsch.

I saw her the other day. She's very pretty. She's very pretty. She's like fucking amazing. I would. You would? Yeah. Yeah, same.

And I don't even need the stage time anymore. Damn, look at that. Jeez, look at that. She's got a Rachel wreck. She's going to fucking. A beautiful Jewish. plus. Thank you. Call back. Thanks for all the fucking spots Caroline. Yeah, on my dick.

Oh, you got. Shut the fuck up. We're getting too loose and gay. Loose with the goose here. Yeah, no, we love Caroline. She's the good egg. No, she's the best, man. Oh, yeah. I did the money later. We had some fucking nights of that club, dude. Remember fucking God, what's the bartender's name who I loved? He'd always fucking pouring us those Manhattan's all night. They were very tall, very strong.

Didn't it come out later that one of the owners was embezzling the entire time? one of the managers. Shout out, Kenny. We love you still. You were still a good guy. He was always in such a fun-loving mood. I had no idea. It was because he bought himself a few summer homes. The only thing that guy embezzled was our heart. And a lot of money. He got a lot of money out of them. That's true. Good guy. Wasn't Lewis booking? Veranda. Lewis Ferranda was my favorite. Yeah, he's a character. Walking up to kid, kid, you're the funniest in New York City. Walked up to the nextcomic two feet away. You're number one. Yeah. Watch the next guy. You're the best. He had a lot of notes.

Walked out to a homeless guy on the street. You're my house. You're my house. You're my favorite comedian I want some contest she's supposed to win like three grand so I was like hey Lou can I get that money he's not about the money it's about the art the art of comedy that's what you're doing for what a wild you ever hear the story that Louis he like wouldn't book Louis and then Louis finally sold the place out and and Lou walked up to him was like you're my favorite you're the best and Louis just walked up to him and held a middle finger for like one minute straight and then walked on stage whoa damn we love you Lewis I love Lou Ferranda He was always really good to us.

Yeah, great guy, great dog. I always, uh... He was, he really was good to us. I saw Norm at Carolines at my 30th birthday. It was the best freaking birthday. I think I went to that show, too. It must have been 2014. I was there.

Yeah, yeah. What's his face open? Colin Kane opened what I saw. A perfect parent. I know, right? Colin Kane. Remember him? He was the governor of Virginia?

I'd rather think Colin Kaepernick opened that show. Am I right, folks? Oh, not Colin Quinn. But I think it was Daryl Hammond. Maybe. Hammond opened? Maybe. Maybe I'm conflating those.

I don't know. No, that doesn't sound right. Good show? That was an amazing show. Norm was the best. It didn't always go over live though. That's true. I mean, like, so I think some people didn't always get it.

It was almost too heady for the rooms. Yeah, I mean, he was obviously brilliant, but it didn't, he'd walk people sometimes. Oh yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, you're so brilliant. You're right. I feel like that too, because I remember first seeing Colin and being like, I've never seen a smarter person. And he wouldn't really be, like, Colin would even have a tough set.

and wouldn't give a shit. I feel like Colin and Norm both have these premises for jokes where, you know, sometimes you hear a joke and you're jealous of it and I'm like, even if I had circled that premise a million times, I would never have come up with that angle. I was nowhere close to coming up with a Colin angle or a Norm angle.

They just have these angles on things that would never occur to you. Yeah, and even when I've had like, oh, this is a great bit, I got a great bit idea. I do it and someone goes, that's a Colin bit. Damn it, he already got to it. He's good. But you guys, I mean, I have to say,

I get it, to get serious here for a second. Uh-oh. This is the sentimental portion of the show. It's a pleasure to be here. And, you know, you two guys, and Rachel, I don't know you as well, but I'm a fan of your work. But I came up with these guys. Here's the thing. 2006, 2007, 2008.

The open mics, we're doing it. We're doing the pit. We're doing Village Lantern. The cabin, of course. Touch Mark. Touch him. Sam and I, you weren't doing the Sage that much. I don't think.

I did it a couple times. I did a couple times? Free pizza. I have videos on YouTube. No, you and Mark was on all the time. Really? Okay. Yeah, me, you and Pat Dixon. I blacked out those nights.

But you and I were doing Sage almost every week. Wow. Barking out, getting people in the door. I mean, we must have done shows. No, Mark did that show constantly. I did a lot. I mean, we saw each other all the time. We were going out for like a six-month period in 2007.

And what I realized, people asked me all the time, you know, oh, you still doing stamp and things. And I'm going, you know, I came up. I mentioned these guys. I'm saying, Mark, these are friends of mine. But what I realized about six months doing it, you know, you guys are hard drinking boys and girls. And late nights, I didn't have the Constitution for it.

And I couldn't hang with these guys. And frankly, stand-up comedy, I realized stand-up comedy is really hard. But being really good at stand-up is really hard. It's hard work that I wasn't quite willing to do at the time. Sure. But you had funny stuff, man. I found my, you know, talk shows niche,

and I spun off different ways. Yeah. But I always admired everyone who sticks to stand-up like that and grinds it out. And to watch you get to where you are today. Holy moly. It's a blue collar job. It's a beautiful thing.

It's fun. You're filthy, you're rich. I can say for myself, I wish that I was one of those people who had like a series of other options, but I made this noble choice to like leave it all for a stand. I had no other skills.

I always wanted to be like one of the stories where I was like I was a doctor, but at the like bottom of the ninth I left med school because Caroline's called. Like a Dimitri Martin, like lawyer. Giroldo. Always wanted that story. No, but you get to a certain age you're like, this is it like I really have to try I know I remember discussing like I had gotten you know one many many

rejections on the road and I was just like sobbing in some rancid hotel room and I was talking to one of my girlfriends on the phone and God bless comics for being just like hilariously honest with you at your darkest hour I was like I think I'm just going to quit she was like you have no other skills there's nothing else you could buy you have nothing else to offer the work for it's an Uber or so it's like this or I'm home I can't drive I have a license but I have a license but I That would be a funny thing as me being a shitty-ass super-grim. That's like Andy Coffin doing the dishes. Yeah.

That's your version. If Coffin was around, he'd be done. But Rachel, but you could be a writer, right? You can film out, you can spin out to film, other things. There's other things to do with comedy instead of stand-up, right? So the fact, sticking to stand us specifically. Now, we had a lot of fun, dude. I mean, Mark and I just love it.

You love it. Mark in those early days, we had so much fun drinking and, like, you know, meeting the coffee shop. Like, no, it was, it was fun with Rachel. I mean, we had so much fun, like, just, you know. Coverage up in Williamsburg, Mew and Hanley would write once a week. That was fun, dude. That was a cool spot, yeah. We really worked hard.

Now, we worked hard on bouncing bits, and you'd be patient with each other and be like, oh, I think you're trying to say this, or like, you let each other cook. It was good. And we were learning how to develop joke. We didn't know how to write. You were just kind of going, you know, improvising. Yeah, learning your voice and stuff. And how many, is this funny texts you get from Sam?

Oh, my God. Sam's text are amazing. Well, I can have a mute, too. Yeah, is this funny? But that's what you, that's, is this funny is like the comedian, like, slogan. Well, you're making something like that. Yeah, that's a great title for it. Is this funny?

Sam is always, it's like always a series of very Jewy complaints and it was like, oh, this is a lot. This is a lot of even slept? And then it's just like a classic 90s Nix moment. And it's like, is this funny? And he always pops back into material again. Yeah, you got to go back to the jokes. Yeah. But you guys, I feel like you guys.

But she bounced a bit by me at the cellar last night. Then I watched her doing it killed. And I was like, I love that. I love it. I love it. It was fun. Rachel runs it by me I was like oh that's really good

And then I watched her do and she added a couple lines Like that's fucking that's the best When you see a comic like Because you know what that means Yes So them bouncing a joke Them doing the joke The joke killing and then you're like

Oh that's fucking awesome You got it's the most satisfying thing It's great I feel like lately like we both Because I'm the same amount of I'm always complaining And like coveching about some horseshit But I feel like we do

We have a good rhythm of complaining And then complaining and then complaining But I also remember that When I first met both of you guys you're both already very funny right away. Always really good comics, good writers right away. But, and I remember that Sam, I remember thinking like, oh, like, he's some kind of like dark bad boy. And then somebody was like, oh, no, he's nice.

And then Norman would like say things again that would pretty much devastate me. And then I remember telling Sam like at night, I'd be like, and then he said this to me. And then he told me this. And Sam was like, no, he doesn't mean it like that. It's ironic. Yeah, he's talking about you. I know. And I remember once.

That's me being like Mark fucking likes you. I know. You were right. People think you're an asshole. Apparently. No, no, not now. But then I remember Mark, you called me one day. No, every comic's always slam each other.

But Mark, because he's just a pure comic, he's not thinking about it. I've learned this about it. He would say something that would be just too acute, too honest. You're just specifically devastating. And then I remember, like, one time you called me or you messaged me. Yeah. And you were like. You up?

And you were like, I. and like I was like I said something to Mark one day I think you were going through something and I was like oh you should go to therapy I'm in therapy it might help or something and then you did go and then you message me this really lovely sweet message and you were like thank you for being a nice friend to me

thank you for being there for me I knew Alilefkowitz must be behind this somehow I was like there's no way no that was all me but I was but I was touch I was like oh that's really sweet and then after that I was like all right Mark's okay and they said he's fucking his therapist yeah but we at Morgan night so many nights at the subway stop where it was just like He lived downtown, I live uptown, and we would just kind of wait at the train.

He would just walk. We'd walk to the train. We'd be drunk talking shit. And then the train would come and Margaret would be like, let's wait for the next train. We'd like, all right, next train. And then the train would come back. Let's do one more.

And then we just shit talk. We bitch about the state of the business. We talk jokes. We do everything. And then we'd be like, all right, we got it all out for the week. We're good. Now we can just be fucking humans. Yes, you need that.

You need it. You need to get the shit out. We'll plug some dates. What do we got to come? Is this Rachel? Rachel, we're going to be coming out. I'll be in Charlotte, Madison, Rochester, Nashville, albeit mothership in Austin and Jersey and a lot of other places.

I don't want to list them all and bore everybody, but just follow me at Rachel Feinstein. Syracuse, Albany, Spokane. Beverly Mass, yeah, Lauderdale, Tacoma. Oh, good room. Good Native American-named towns. They're about to put up mothership next. I think it's not live yet.

Another date in LA for the Netflix is a joke. Punchup. Live slash Rachel Feinstein slash tickets. Have you tapped into the firefighter? I was going to ask about the firefighter. I was going to ask about the firefighter. Sorry, go ahead. Big guy on Netflix, very funny.

Have you tapped into the firefighter world? Half of my crowd is all first responder family. So I have to like split the difference of like not repeating firefighter jokes for people that don't care and then doing some amount of first responder. They all bring me these like challenge coins. They bring me like presents and like patches and no, it's very touching, but yeah. My family's third responders. The more I give firefighters shit, the more they all come out.

Yeah, they can take a joke. They're good hang. Oh, they're the best. They're the great hang. They can drink too. Scott, so plug the new show, Scott. The new show is, it's called Savvy. I mean, no, no, it's not, I don't know the name of the show.

It's called Text Savvy. The show is text savvy on the Savvy app, which is, I don't know when this episode comes out, but 28. 28th. By February 1st, we should be exiting our beta, launch going five shows a week 9 p.m. Eastern time live interactive this is the HQ Trivia guy this is HQ Trivia coming back and this is the first podcast and this was the biggest show in the fucking country for a minute this is the biggest thing you were on fires of people millions of

people and the HQ trivia doc on HBO yeah you're the only person who's a human in it's a documentary about it is nuts yeah I didn't know that yeah yeah you're I've been hearing stories about you from Sam he always tells me about you yeah yeah got's my old buddy I know I mean listen it's it's we were all old pals uh yeah three of us and four inches of jewish steel i'm right here i'm right here i'm gonna plug can i plug my dick i let i used to tell people i'm black from the waist down a black three-year-old and i'd also say things like uh you know the people where they drive cars sports cars to compensate for everything by that logic i should be driving an 18 wheeler but but my favorite one

i'll close i'll close up my section with this you know my girlfriend and i we decided to mix things up a little bit sent her a dick pick Moments later, she was rated by the FBI and booked on possession of child pornography. Wow, that's great. There you go. All right, let's see it. I'll be back in the clubs.

I'll open for you. Bring me on the road. Take me. I want to do it. I don't know if I can fit that hog in my carry on. I got a charge action. I'm back in clubs to work out the special. Omaha Funny Bone January 8th through 10th,

and I'm at the DC Impro probably add a show there. And then we got, I just added a thing in Zanis because that's sold out. We added Rosemont, February 4th. That's in February 4th. Yeah, and then we got Stanford, Connecticut, February 12th through 14. The following weekend I'll be

in the Providence Comedy Connection. That'll be up by then. Providence Comedy Connection just started that. And then we got, I believe both those shows are sold out for Tampa, the Tampa Theater for my special taping. I think I'll add on the 26. So let's fucking.

Tampa. February 26. Tampa, older woman Tampa. Hope I see you there. Yeah, go bucks. December what? Here we go. Yes.

Punchup. dot live slash mark norman slash tickets uh punchup dot live slash sam morel slash tickets as well same with rachel play savvy dot live that's the website play savvy dot lock this is going to be big guys it's true you're the first ones they oh i will it's q is incredible huge yeah and it's an invite only right now but i will extend to your listeners and your fans a free invitation just use code micropinus at check is there a link they can do that true i believed you see i believed them too i'm too believable this is why america loves me that's true not the code it would do you wow Yeah. Where are you at, Mark?

Hey, Kansas City. Wait, no, that's already over. Des Moines, Iowa. Brea in Irvine County. Come on out, L.A. And then a bend, Oregon, not bragging. Grand Ron, never heard of it. New Brunswick and Jersey.

Vinnie Brand, stay off my stage. St. Antonio at the L.O.L. Tulsa, baby. Never been that. Vinnie Brand's going to serve a bodega cat at Stress Factory. Oh, man. We love you. Hell yeah.

Indianapolis. Buffalo Helium and... Hopefully we cancel some of these to film a fucking movie, Mark. We'll see. I'm happy to. We'll see. And Portland, Maine.

Thank you. Maddie, where are you going to be? Stumble in. Oh, that's right. What nights do you there, Maddie? Monday night, Saturday day. Nice. Monday night, Saturday day.

Crazy. Stumble in. That's a hell of a workload. Buy some bodega cat, bodega cat whiskey.com. DM the Instagram bodega cat whiskey. And Matt will get back to you if you want it in your bar. But it's fucking everywhere now. I mean, we're going to, I think we're about to

fucking close at ShopRite. I mean, we're fucking fucking on this, too. We're cooking. We're bleeding money. Please, please get us. We're bleeding money. Oh, well, real quick, Matthew.

I brought gifts. Oh, come on. Speaking of bleeding money. Tampon? Tampon for the Tampa Taping. No, I have gifts here. I brought two. I don't know if people would be here,

but maybe I'll get Rachel. I'll get you a third one. This is another thing that happened this year. A game came out with my face on it. Oh, this will pull. And my voice. This is amazing. This is called The Good News is, and boy, oh boy, you want to know the bad news on the good news is?

Tariffs. Oh, no, they fucked you? The tariffs fucked us. Was this made in China? 15,000 units were ordered by a certain retailer who I will not name. Taras came along. They canceled the order. 500 stores nationwide was supposed to be featured in.

That's horrible. Now they're sitting in a warehouse in Indiana. Well, can we put them on wine? They're not selling. With your whiskey, exactly. But they're available $25 shipped on Amazon, which is where they want you to buy it. Okay. It's a great family gift for the holidays.

The good news is. I'm going to be playing this, dude. Hell yeah. Maybe I'll have a party. Got to get batteries. We can make this a drinking game. Let's do it. It's part of the show.

He loved that. Thank you guys. Thank you. Love it. Love you guys. Happy Hanukkah. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year.

You guys are the best. He doesn't mean the Christmas part. Oh, shit. And Kwanza. Yes, it's a celebration of lights. Next offender, a bit of fever wreck, you know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking poke,

and I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming, and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her, And I get down in the same way We might be true At Fandual Casino, you get even more ways to play.

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