We Might Be Drunk - Ep 264: The Rizzler, Dave Attell, Greg Fitzsimmons, Shaun Murphy - Happy New Year - We MIght Be Drunk

Episode Date: December 29, 2025

No guest this week… just kidding. It’s the New Year’s chaos episode. Mark and Sam are joined by Greg Fitzsimmons, Dave Attell, Shaun Murphy, and a surprise appearance from the Rizzler. They cover comedy road stories, sobriety scares, porn rabbit holes, crowd work fatigue, New Year’s peeves, airline annoyances, mocktails, stand-up burnout, and why kids don’t drink anymore. Plus, an all-time wild prank story, tour talk, and a very unhinged holiday hang. Sponsored by: HIMS Get simple, discreet access to personalized care for ED, hair loss, weight loss, and more. https://www.hims.com/drunk Soul 30% off wellness gummies and alcohol-free drinks that help you relax and unwind. Use code WMBD https://getsoul.com Shopify Start selling today with Shopify. $1 per month trial. https://www.shopify.com/drunk Raycon 20% off Raycon Essential Open Earbuds. https://buyraycon.com/mightbedrunkopen The Perfect Jean15% off your first order with code DRUNK15. https://theperfectjean.nyc Mint Mobile Unlimited plans starting at $15/month. https://www.mintmobile.com/wmbd Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets ⸻ Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #GregFitzsimmons #DaveAttell #Rizzler #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #NewYearsEpisode #BodegaCatWhiskey00:00 Opening Banter & Guest Introduction 02:30 Funny Takes on Body Types & Seinfeld 05:50 Comedy Styles & Moving on Stage 10:00 Night Owl Comedians & Attel Stories 15:00 Comedy Road Stories & Alaska Prank 22:00 Skankfest & Comedy Scene Rumors 26:00 Unexpected Drop-In: The Rizzler Joins 29:00 Interviewing The Rizzler: Viral Kid Life 34:00 Marvel Legends, Candy & Lap Photo Hijinks 38:00 Rizzler Departs & Backstage Reactions 43:00 Oscars Moving to YouTube & Ellen Gossip 48:00 Comedy Specials & Platforms Discussed 53:00 Opening Acts & Crowd Work Ethics 58:00 Comedian Peeves & Road Life Gripes 01:04:00 Tour Dates & Club Stories 01:10:00 Mocktails, Merch & Closing Peeves 01:16:00 Favorite Comedy Cities & Prolific Comics 01:21:00 Final Plugs, Announcements & Credits Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're here. Happy New Year. We got Greg Fitzsimmons here. The King Fitzstone. I don't remember what you were just saying. Is this gay to sit like this? Yes. Yeah, it is gay.

What are you doing? What are you, Gavin Newsom? I think if you have thick legs, it's not too bad, but when you have skinny legs and one, like, really wraps around the other one? What is with the Irish? They can't develop leg muscle. Or asses. That's true. Yeah, you guys have no asses.

What is that? Yeah. It's like Asian women. Yeah. It's like you look at an Asian women and the perfect lips and the smooth skin. I fuck both and it's disappointing every which way. Really? Oh, yeah.

Irish men, terrible. Irish men and Asian women, same dick. No, but you're hung. I'm hung. We've established that. And on the last episode, Mark made Scott Ruggowski talk about his dick. Yeah. We were like, what is, what are we doing here?

Yeah, well, I thought he had a micro, but he didn't. So I learned. Maybe instead of headshots, you should have dick tacks. Milton Burrell is the whole wall. Uncle Miltie. Yeah. How are you hung? I'm in the middle.

I'm like a stocked Camry. Right, right. You know, nothing flashy, but not too disappointing. Good shape. Yeah, solid shape. Curves to the left. As you get older, you have like good and bad dick days. Yeah.

When you're young, it's always kind of more. And then you get older, you're like, today's a good day. I hope someone sees it. Ah, yes. If they don't ask, I'll show it to. someone right go outside of the schoolyard I'll show him who's boss but no it's good good and bad days it's interesting yeah it's like a good hair day you know yeah good point yeah the worst is that whenever you do see people naked you're skinny dipping which is the least idea yeah good

situation like when we were teenagers there was a town pool I grew up in tarry town and we had a town pool and we used to drink all night you know we were like 15 years old yeah and then we would break into the pool. We jumped the fence. Man. And then everybody would get, it was crazy. Like all the,

all the kids in town. You had an idyllic childhood. You ice skated. We ice skated. You drank. You did a mescaline. You swam in the water. And women,

you're not being compromised in that situation. But guys, it really, I mean, you think of the iconic Seinfeld episode. Right. I was in the, I showed it to a date recently. She was from England.

She's like, I didn't know what Seinfeld is. I was like, oh, you never seen this. So I threw in the Little Dick episode. Yes. And she was like, This is great.

You threw in the little dick that night? Oh, episode. I threw that after the little dick episode. I was like, now that I have a disclaimer here. No. But that's a great fucking episode. Yeah, it is. I was in the pool.

Yeah. And then him trying to see her naked. Yes. The justice of it. She's got a great body, buddy. There was also like a shift that happened with Seinfeld where they went from being these broke, New York. New York, like, getting around on the subway. So, suddenly they're in the Hamptons.

You remember that? They got a lot of shit because they started to not be about, you know, they started to be about, like, making money. And everybody's like, oh, they're rich now. Now they're doing episodes from the Hampton. Well, that was the whole, the Cadillac episode. Elaine's like, I didn't know you make money like that. Oh, yeah.

I was also starting dating tens for some reason. They're dating fives early on. And then later on, they're all dating, like, the hottest women in New York. Right. Yeah. And in real life. Every actress on Seinfeld was a smoke show. George was pulling great ass.

Yeah, George's doing well. Wasn't Courtney Cox a girlfriend of somebody on that? Or was that friends? Yeah. Was it? She was on Seinfeld? I mean, those are young, young supple camps. There's no surprises when you lower that dress.

No. God, no. No dick there. Wow. We had them on last week. Yeah, I know. He was sitting right here in this seat. Yeah, baby.

you how to do comedy. You got that right. You got to move more. Yeah, you got to move around the stage more. You don't move. I don't move. Okay. No, moving is a, that's flailing to me.

That's desperate. You plant your feet and you tell your jokes. It depends on the act. Like, you know, it's weird to watch, like, rock not move. Right. Certain guys, you should, like, I get, like, Jerry moved. You move. It's like, to each their own.

Bargazzi's not moving, isn't? No. David Tell moves only to slam the mic down and go, is this working? Hello? Midget. Yeah. Now, Dave's funny because, like, you can always find out what the next thing in technology is by what he's ragging on. Yeah.

Like, now it's like, TikTok. Right. But before that, it was... Crypto. Podcast. Yes. Pagers. I'd love to see caveman, David Till.

Fire. We get it. Upright walking. I'm excited to see him. Yeah. He's tough to wrangle, man. That took, like, 14 confirmation text. Oh, really?

He's like, confirm me tomorrow morning. I'm like, okay. Then I'm like, Dave, he doesn't answer. I'm literally getting texts from Brennan at the strip house. The waiter going, it tells here. And I'm like, fuck. I'm like, come on, Dave, answer. Whoa.

I'm like, it tells out? He's at strip house? It tells like a cat. You're like, how did he get out? You need a net with a stick on it to get him? Like a snare? No, it took a lot of confirmations, but I think we wrangled him. Hell yeah.

We haven't been on in years. My question is, like, when does he sleep? I think, like, what are his hours? 7 a.m. to 4. I don't think he sleeps that late. No, I think it's like 7 a.m. to like 11. But, dude, the amount of times, I'm sure you've done this with him, too, leaving a diner with him, and he orders a large ice coffee.

And I'm like, God, damn it, dude, it's 4 a.m. Why are you drinking a large black ice coffee? I know. Yeah. And the bodega guy, just knowing Dave as he gets his American spirits. Yeah. Yeah, but it's also, I like living in L.A. because a lot of times he'll call me after his shows, and if you're on the East Coast, it's like, all right, you know, it's 2 a.m. I'm not that guy anymore. But if I'm in L.A., it's 11 o'clock, I'm driving home from the store, and then I can talk. Oh, right, right. And he's at a new porn opening. He's always at a porn store.

Not anymore. Those are the old days. I guess there's the Internet now. I can remember walking into porn stores in Times Square, and they'd be like, Dave! He's like Norm and cheers. And they'd have a bag with like stuff he'd ordered that hadn't come in yet. Wow. Yeah. I don't know what his genre is. Yeah.

I think he's all over the road. We'll ask him. He had a fucking, he had a porn show. Mine is probably Milf. Milt. Yeah, Milt's up there. Yeah, what do you think I was going to say? I just don't know what.

That feels like what. Too broad? It feels like if all of them were closed, that's what you would go to. Really? What's your go to? Yeah, Milf's up there. Big cans. Latina, I like a Latina.

I like Czechoslovakian hidden camera massage porn. Damn. Damn. Yeah, with a little parentheses, naturals. I like it. Pull it up. I don't know this Czechoslovakian. There's a ton of them.

They start with a massage? They start with a massage, and the women are like tens because they're these Eastern European men. That's the one Hitler went to first, right? That's right. He used to do hidden camera massages. This is Maddie Bartending, by the way. Amazing. Oh, is that a kiss shirt?

I love it. By the way, RIP Ace Freely, right? He died? He died. Damn, in a New York groove. Can we do a cocktail? Mark, what are we thinking? Good question.

And we can make you a mocktail. No, it's got to be. I make a mean mocktail. Okay. Put in check hidden camera massage. This is distracting. that Pornhub is now, there was an article saying it can monitor your stuff

and they can blackmail you. Who does? I've seen enough black males. I like London whore. But if you got black mailed with a black male. Is that how that expression? A bit on the nose.

I mean, shit. Greg, I got a warning here. It says your search could be illegal and abusive sexual material including non-consensual intimate imagery. They consented to the massage. They just didn't consent to the. getting camera well to the blow job they end up giving the guy I mean there it is

no that's not it all right what are we doing hey what do we do this is creepy filth we just started is there a drink you have in mind what do you thinking uh I wanted to make you guys an old-fashioned oh please hello that's a classic can you make Greg a mocktail Greg doesn't drink anymore yeah ginger okay ginger sounds nice have you guys have you guys heard of lemon whore. That's my favorite porn. Lemon whore. What's lemon whore? Pull it up. Is this like lemon party? No, there's

like a story. You know, I like a story. I see. Girl porn. And it's these couple hanging out on a couch. And then all of them, they're like looking at their tree, lemon trees. And they're like, wow, look at our beautiful lemon trees. I love our lemon trees. I want you to fuck me underneath our lemon trees. And then a woman scales the fence and starts stealing lemons.

And the woman's like, that lemon whore, you need to have sex with her to punish her for stealing our lemons. Anyone else hard? I don't know. It's getting an offense. It sounds like Mexican porn right there. Is this a real thing? She's selling the lemons at a median in L.A. afterwards. A highway.

Lemon stealing whore. Lemons stealing whore. Whoa, okay, I'll watch that later. Can't find lemon whore? It's pretty niche. Okay. This is all new to me. I almost lost my sobriety last week.

I went, this is a true, it sounds like a made-up story, but this actually happened. I go to this Italian restaurant and I order, I say, can I get an Americana with room? And so the guy, is that a weird order, by the way? It's a coffee, but it's also a cocktail. Americana with room. Yeah. Nobody gets milk in an Americano. That's what I've been told later that you're not supposed to.

Yeah, right. A lot of water in it. Yeah, so I order that, and then the guy. He's Italian. Bermuth and Campari. No, no, no. He comes back and he goes, we don't have a rum.

I said, no, room. So you got rum in it? Yeah, yeah. And you took a swig? I took a little swig. Oh, shit, you broke it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When I'm 65, I'm going to do it. Really? Yeah. Yeah. You tell your story about that gig you did

with a guy in the truck with the drugs? A guy in the truck with the drugs. Oh, you know, a guy's like, we got to hang out. I got ATVs. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. This story is the best road story ever. Okay. So I was in Alaska.

Alaska. Oh, my God. Last month I was in Alaska. What part? Fairbanks. I don't even know it. Fairbanks? I think it's the capital, isn't it?

Juno. Juno. Would you call him? The Jew knew. Okay. The Jew knew. So I fly up there and I go to the guy, you know, I want to do something fun during the day. and he calls me back and he goes

I got this guy he's got an outdoor company you know an adventure company they've got ATVs and snowmobiles he's a fan of yours he wants to take you out for an adventure this is what do you create most comics go this is insane I'm not doing it but you're up for it

but I was definitely inside because you know I grew up in New York I've been in LA 25 years I don't know nothing about the outdoors sure and so yeah we're worthless outdoors people yeah we're just you're okay but you're not okay I'm okay I don't love it

I'd rather hang out of a bar. No, we're like city people. We're not... Well, the indoors feels like a victory. Like we won. Yes, yes. We're inside. Temperature's always the same.

I like outdoors. For me, it's like taking walks. Like, grabbing a coffee and just walking around. That's my outdoors. Controlled. Yeah. So the guy shows up and he's got a big truck with a trailer on the back with a muddy dune buggy. And I suddenly think like, all right, I fucked up.

You know, I'm going to be in pain. I'm going to be in pain. probably wet. So I get in and I start talking to the guy and he's like the nicest guy. He's about to retire. He's totally mellow. And he's like, I can take you on an adventure. So we drive about 10 minutes and we get pulled over by the cops. And the guy goes, this is bad. And I'm like, what do you mean? I go, you didn't do anything. It's fine. He goes, no, this is bad. I'm like, who are you? And so the cop. The fucking naked teenagers in the fucking trailer. You wish it was just that.

So the cop walks up and the guy hands me a baggie with white powder in it. And he goes, hide this. And he spills some of it on my pants. So I stick it under the seat. The cop walks up. He goes, license and registration. So the guy says to me, open the glove box and get the. So I open up the glove box and a baggie of pills and $100 bills pops out.

Oh, my God. So I shove it back in with the back of my hand. I put some paper over it. And the cop goes, what are you hiding? Oh. And I go. I go nothing. He goes, you're hiding something.

And I don't even know why I did it. It was just like this reflex reaction from being a teenager. Yeah, that's a good guy. So I hand the cop to drugs. And then he goes, oh, speaking of drugs. Hey, Dave, you're right in the middle of this punchline here. Come and sit there. Sit down.

So the guy goes, Hey, Dave. So I hand the cop to drugs. And then he goes, both of you put your hands on the dashboard. Oh, my God. So now I got my hands on the dashboard. and he walks back to his car to run the guy's license. He comes back and he goes,

you realize you have two outstanding felony warrants. Oh, shit. And the guy goes, yeah. I'm like, yeah? And so he goes, are there any guns in the car? And I'm thinking, of course. He's got to be. And so he goes, no, I don't have any guns.

And so he takes the guy out and he handcuffs him. Oh, boy. I got a show in four hours. Oh. And he walks him back, and I'm just sitting there. And I take my hands off the dashboard. Are there any guns in the car? No.

Blows the gun. comes head off. And then kills himself. Now I'm just sitting in a truck. And so he comes back and he goes, where did you get the drugs? I said the glove compartment. He goes, no, he said they're yours. Oh, so I go, no, they're not mine. I go, dude, I'm a comedian. I said I've known this guy like 20 minutes. I just got picked out. I got a show tonight. He goes, well, I don't believe you because you said you're from California, which is a drug feeder state. Wow. And you said you're a comedian and you're not funny. Oh, shit.

And I'm like, when was I supposed to be funny? So the cop takes me out of the car. He walks me back to the other car and he opens up the back door. The guy gets out and they both look at me and they start laughing and they go, we're coming to your comedy show tonight. His best friend was a cop in town. They set the whole thing up. That is fucking insane.

I felt I was on all four. His tears were on my face. I was it was like relief and laughter at the same time wow what the fuck what a prank what a prank that is insane yeah wow then they took me to this ice bar it was made out of ice and they drank seven appletinis each no mexicans there yeah so damn ice bar damn ice bar wow which which uh just for the last was this Thanks for getting up, Dave. Thanks for having me. We're pumped you here, dude.

Happy holidays. They moved the smallest Christmas tree. Somewhere in a children's hospital there's a little empty space. That's the Brad Williams right there. Well, it's good to see my buddy, Greg. I think the last time we were all together was... Skankfest. Skank Fest.

Oh, what a treat. What a treat. Sorry, I was in the... I was fucking hammered when we were talking. Great. Thanks. Joe Lisp pulled me aside. He's like, I'm trying to get a real interview.

He won't stop singing. And I was like, I'm going to black out. You're definitely going to make Joe's, what was that, a documentary or a love letter? He's calling it a love letter. Just talking, I think. Just talking. The best was they had a, they had the beauty, the beauty pageant, the Skank Fest beauty match, Miss Skangfest, which was great because they gave the winner.

I was so close. For the winner, they paid for her rehab and they found her parents for her. They can pay for that abortion So Oh, I knew it This is how they got that kid at Conan's You guys are wearing a black tie, right? Is that what this is right now?

Yeah, it's New Year's. Oh, okay Oh, there you go Oh, you're talking about Rob Reiner's kid? Yeah I thought that was I thought they were punking him Like show up in a track suit, look crazy

And ask everyone if they're famous Yeah, he fought with Bill Hader at Conan O'Brien's party. You know Bill Hader's like, why am I in these fucking pictures? I know. It's a tragedy. It is. Rob Ryan is a legend, dude. Sad.

They got the wife, too, which that sucks. Yeah. Sorry, I brought it down. Got any more stories? Do you hear about Bondi? All right. Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Well, guys, what are you here it's been? Let's take a look back. Yeah, we had a blue origin. That was big with the ladies in space. These are all like your bits. Yeah, we had Elon Heiling. I think Blue Ocean was like two years ago. Oh, sorry.

I think that's an old reference, right? Oh, well, I got to stop doing a bit about it then. What else happened? Yeah, what's a big story? Yeah, the Sig Heil was January. Yeah, okay, okay. I remember because I was like, let's give him a shot. And then I was like, that was a fucking Nazi salute right there.

Yeah, that was bad. We got an American Pope this year. Yeah. Oh, who? Bill and Nova, baby. That was exciting because, you know, I don't want an American Pope. I think I'd rather. have an Italian one because like because like they actually believe in God like

America's like you believe in God they're like yeah but the Italians are like they drink this the sacrificial wine like they they literally believe it's Jesus's blood right yeah they're like oh I what's that movie with all it whether deciding on the new Pope we call it again was it conclave oh my god awesome yeah that was fun fun until the end I was like I don't know was any trans yeah oh giving it a Sorry, I don't want to get Dave a boner. Oh, my God, too late. Unfortunately, DeRosa's coming out.

What is this picture here that we're looking at? By the way, DeRosa stayed in the hotel room next to me during Skankfest. Yeah? Boy, was that loud. Really? It was just him crying. What happened to me? He's adopted, so he's upset.

But, yeah, a lot of knocking boots on that guy. Really? Very impressive. Wow. I saw a few of the ladies, though. Yeah. Yeah, they look like Zagamiko. And they're hung like him.

I don't know at the show we had special guest. Long time in the making. Oh, no. Charlie Sheen? Come on in, sir. No way. This is big. You son of a bee.

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Cable device required. Availability, speed and coverage varies. Seamintmobile.com. Come on. What's up, buddy? How are you, sir? The Rizzler. What's up, man?

Sit out. Wait, I'm not allowed to be in your children. What's up, man? How are you? This is big, dude. Happy New Year. I'm just about to light a cigarette. Light it up.

He's on two packs a day. What's up, champ, how you doing? Rizzler, how you do? You're a big Knicks fan, too. I love it. You get this guy on Mike? Oh, he's got one. Okay.

Where you've been, Rizzler? In school. In school? Yeah. Good for you. How many tickets? Sorry. We've comics.

That's all we talk about. What school are you going to? Oh, he's got a mic? He's got one. Oh, I guess you can't say to school because then people will show up. Are you the most popular kid in the class right now? Oh, nice.

You're fighting off some girls? Yeah. Yeah, you got to hit him. Fight them on. Yeah, a little crisp around. This is exciting. How was it talking to Walt Frazier? I saw that.

That was pretty cool. Yeah. You a fan? Yeah. Very cool, man. Can we get him like a treat or something? He can't have alcohol. But we'll get him something.

Get him a dog biscuit. You bring up that energy. Give him some singer Oh boy I like that I'm like five drinks deep Who's your favorite comic Go ahead Matt Rife

I know it's a tough question Yeah Who does he like Whoa The Rizler's iced tea Wow You have your own drink Whoa

How jealous for I games Hell yeah Who's the coolest Who's the coolest celebrity you've met so far Jared Fogel Oh, Theo one Oh, Theo one

Oh, Theo one! You even have a handler that remembers for you. Why, you're doing all right. He's named dead. What's the next mountain to climb? Twizzler. What's his name again? Rizzler, come on.

He's a legend. I got to claim ignorance here. What? Can you introduce a gas? You don't know who the Rizler? I don't know him either. You guys don't know the Rizzler. You guys don't know who he is?

I'm drawn to like when a young child comes in. He's got slayed more poin than Pete Davidson. Yeah. Now, for future reference, if you see that outfit, walk the other way. The Rizzler's big time, man. There he is. 0.5 million followers. Whoa.

Mama. How did it pop off you? What was the big moment? Oh, so I came. home one day and then I told my dad I wanted to do a video and I was like this is the face of a risler and then yeah and I just

became the risler. Hell yeah Wow, you're an origin story. Look at us, Buckford. There it is. They're called Dave the Didler. Who is that your unpaid intern? Who is that your... He does your stunts? That's Hesbula. That's the UFC guy. He's Hesbulla. He's cool.

Damn, he is tiny, man. I know. Jesus. What is he? Like 2 foot 1? Look at him. problem how old are you now I'm an old man what is the Rizzler mean like what what's your what he's got Riz oh okay oh I get it so you're like the Lobowski of this gen Q 9 yeah he's Rob low really low you see pretty comfortable in front of the camera I think that's awesome yeah yeah what's like yeah what do you want to do next oh do any kids hate on you do

of the guys to school resent you and they're jealous of you no no haters that's rare all right that's really great what about the DMs some real weirdos did don't look so what are you hoping on from Santa this year a union card make some real cash so there's these action figures called Marvel Legends they're like Marvel action figures all them up white let's hear it Marvel Legends action figures I have like 40 of them you do in my collection holy towers money you're saving and how much you burning through oh hell yeah the captain America all of them look at them all

heroes not like those firemen and police how big are they they're like this big oh okay they're say uh one six scale hezbole size so will there be a Rizzler Marvel action probably that's a great question we gotta hit the uh the weights he seems yes When there's these other things, they're called Hot Toys, they're the same thing, but just more expensive. Hot toys. And they're like this big. Pull them up. So what do you think about the Oscars moving to YouTube?

What's the Riz's take on that? Oh, those are cool. That is crazy, right? Yeah. Unfiltered and no time limit. That's what we need. Oh, God. What's your favorite, like, candy?

I see you ranking all the candies online. Kit Kat's number one. Good choice. That's classic. Give me a break. I love it. What's your favorite put-down? Ooh, don't say the N-word.

All right, good. He's a nice kid. He doesn't put people down. Rizzle, what's your favorite cocktail? We have a full bar here for you. Shirley Temples. Oh, you get him on? That was adorable.

That's the gateway drink. Next stop rehab. Look, I'm even. there's a video of me unboxing barbell edges. Whoa, let's see it. Which one is it? I'm in the green shirt. Green shirt.

Oh, there's the Marvellous. Oh, what an awesome. Unboxing. Oh, my God. Hell yeah. He's so excited. Damn. I wish you were my dead. Do you play with them or do you keep them in the box?

I just keep them. No, I take them out of the box and then I pose them. No, just keep them in the shelf. You know, in other countries, kids, your age, when they do something, it's food. They're like, look at this. Food! Into my food hole. Thank you.

We're very lucky here in America. Thank you, USAID. That was a great. How many takes did it take you to get to that? Once. Wow. Nice. You're in that guy's movie, people?

Are you going to be in their movie? Because, you know, they're doing a movie. We might have to write a minute. Oh, we got to write you in. Yeah, that would be cool. What's the plan after this? You're going to dinner or you... I'm going to play Fortnite.

Fortnite. What's that again? It's a video game. I thought it was some kind of gender thing. Oh, yeah? Yeah, you think about transitioning? Craig, you're a father. Say something. Give us some advice or something.

Here's the advice. You've got to stand up to your parents. Yeah. Go as I wanted to see if Mark had to get a photo of him in your lap, like Santa Claus. What? This is... You're going to talk to the dad there. Oh, wow.

All right, well, let me... Yeah. All right, my man. Oh, jeez. All right, buddy. Now I get the hat on. He said don't have a hat. The hat takes some of the creep out of it.

Oh. Oh. Well, he did that a little too easily. Oh, this is going to make me put on a list. Oh, there you got a warm ass. Now you can get off. What the mark? What the fuck?

Dismount. Dismount. He's Rizzling. He's Rizzling. He's doing his tape. It's melted now. Thank you, Riz. That was great. All right. You really unboxed it. How was... You guys lasted like six minutes. It was great. By the way, the Rizler's been on Fallon more than us this year, I think. Oh, damn. He's killing it, dude. He's everywhere.

Why you're slumming it? What happened? Give me any service. This is a... In Chibbles, they call us a U-turn. How was the Tonight Show? Oh, it was good. They give you a gift bag for it? Oh, yeah. Where'd you get?

Oh, like a T-shirt. Like a mug that said, Tonight Show. Is that the family? Yeah. Boy, you've got a handsome, look at it. Your dad's got great arms. Wow. Did you guys...

You're the dad. Yeah, this is Big Justice and Little Justice. Oh, geez, sorry. Hey, I watch the Jersey Shore. This is the extended universe. Where's Tommy T. And, uh... So this all came from just this right here.

Wow. And now, do you know how long until you DJ? Can you explain to Mr. Atel what the Riz face is? He hasn't seen it before. Why me? Okay. So the Riz face is just this. That's it.

Yeah, but no one else could do it. I mean, you got it. Yeah. Do you find, like, when you're out in places they go, let's see that Riz face. Do they say that to you? Like, I take pictures like once in a while. Once in a while.

But now it's like a little bit like... Do you ever go, hey, you know, I'm eating or something like that? Like, I went to the carnival, like, I literally got chased by people. Like, I literally had to say no pictures. I had like two... Kevin Spacey was there. They were trying to put them in a cage. Stay with us.

Is that you? Oh. Wow. I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous. Yeah, we're all a little shocked. That is cool. Have you tried on the ladies? Is it work?

Uh, yeah. What do they like to do? Pinch your cheeks, I bet. And what do you do? Yeah, hell yeah. Save it. All right, well, thank you, Rizler for coming. Thank you, Rizler.

Thank you. I enjoy playing Fortnite. Thank you. Yeah, group photo. Get a dad in here. Final question, favorite Christmas movie? Two girls' once. Oh, good one.

Two girls, one Riz. Yeah. Oh, thanks, man. Appreciate it. He did a great job with him. Yeah, yeah. Get in here. Come on and lean in over here.

All right, thank you. Are you guys Long Island? Brooklyn, New Jersey. Oh, nice. New Yorkers. Yeah. Thanks for coming by, guys. There is age.

Good luck getting out here. I'm going to take that whisper. You take it. He earned it. You want a tit for the road? Thank you, Rizler, for dropping in. What a New Year's surprise. We've been trying to book The Rizler for years.

As all the die-hard fans know, there's been a lot of whiffs on the Rizzler so far. Oh, really? We've been stood up about four times. Oh, this is the first time he's been on? First time he showed up. You've never met him before? No. No, we've tried many times.

We've been blown off school. He's huge. He's a tough get. I didn't know that. Yeah. you wouldn't know it from his electricity he was pumping out no I mean I felt like he you know

he said go and do him a favor so he gave you 50% you know I guess so Fallon he's all over the place you saw that clip I know it was cute though his feet didn't hit the floor he was honestly if you watch the Fallon he's kind of phoned in there too no he's just hot shit he doesn't care yeah he's just he's the Riz man

the Riz I can't wait till he ODs what uh well I think we got 10 We got 10 years. They got 10 good years. He's a good kid, Mark. Sweet kid. I'd hate to see him trick-or-treating, though.

You know what I forgot to do is say, hey, say your prayers. We've got to send him some Marvel Legends. Yeah, that's a good idea. Thank you. You're heading home to a duplex somewhere. To a two-family home with a very old parrot, a sick parrot in the living room. He has no idea what just happened. A heavy bag somewhere.

His dad clearly just likes comedy. Yeah, yeah. We got lucky. I mean, we were saying crazy shit, his dad was just like, well, you told him he had a hot ass. It was hot. I mean, I wasn't joking. That was warm.

It was hurting. We were going to get in trouble for that shit, dude. Hey, he said on my lap. You can't fucking do that. I didn't ask for that. I think we found a new judge for a kill Tony. Can you approach him, take him through it? What did you think of his set, Riz?

Only three Rizzes? Who are going to take this in the context? Lou gave you a lap dance. Hey, good luck, my friend. AI will replace you in a second. He's on, he's on fire right now. Everyone wants a piece of the wrist. You saw that unboxing.

Come on. If Netflix doesn't jump on that, who will? Unboxing with the wrist. Oh, my God. You've heard of him, huh? I've never heard of him on NCR. I mean, where would I? Where would I hear about him?

Yeah, really. Actually, I have met him once. We're on the same team on the Nick's charity game. He was a defensive liability, if I say so myself. I can see that. He was a heavy kid. I mean, that was a lot of weight. Yeah.

Very, you know, portly. Whoa. Cute, but cute. So cute. There he is. Hey, look at you two. A couple of studs. Believe it or not, we didn't win the game.

Can you believe it with this back court? we weren't fucking crushing. It'd be better over there, bud. That's actually not a bad movie idea. D-A. The Rizzler. Yeah, he rides a bit.

Oh, is that Vinny from Jersey Shoreline? Oh, there you go. Sorry, Greg. Didn't somebody stick their thumb up somebody's ass in a Nick team photo recently? Pull it up. It was, yeah, Josh Hart did it to

Jalen Brunson. What? Yeah, he stuck his thumb up his ass. That's awesome. They're fucking, they're psychos. They're great. They're friends. Yeah, they're buddies.

Did you see the video where they made fun of Carl Anthony Towns, the cartoon? Did you see that? No. Cat's a little zesty on the team. That's the funny video. What is this? Oh, yeah. Right up his ass.

Wow, he jerked quick. Like right here? Boop. Look at that spin. They're best friends. He's fucking one. That's great. You know Jalen Rose?

Yeah, of course. That's the first ever person named Jalen. And it just stuck. Really? Now there's millions of Jalans. I didn't know that. Fun fact. Jalen hurts.

I wish the Reis would come back. Oh, sorry. I think he kind of fell off. I threw it out there. I don't know. He's making me nervous, that kid. I was nervous. When he sat in your lap, I was like, this is not good.

Yeah, it was that again? Or is that just a wish? That was your idea. What are you trying to end the podcast? I know. That was really weird. It was like a make-a-wish thing. How'd you read my mind?

Yeah, the second that was proposed, I mean, this is fucking bad, dude. Boy, oh, boy. Yeah, the Oscars going to YouTube. That is fucking nuts. It's all changing. Well, no, that's good news for you guys. Is it? Yeah, on the news, they were saying, yeah, now we can have an unfiltered host,

which is the one thing that they always hate, anytime any guy gets edgy, you know, they're like, whatever. But they're like, yeah, now we can get anybody in there. It'll be great. I guess so. Yeah, you still get sponsors. are you still get people paying for it i don't know they said 2029 so when does your film come out probably by then yeah hopefully jesus christ these fuckers take forever oh my god you wrote on the

oscars before huh i wrote on the emmys and i wrote on the golden globes who was hosting the oscars ellen degenerous oh we're not getting back in my favorite this was on fucking fox news last time i know last time i was here it all got they got picked up on fox news and they just ran I was like, wow. It was on the New York Post, and then it ended up in London. What is that? What's the paper in London?

Hold on, it's the Riz. I know, I know how they all have some story. I'll see you later at the unboxing. Go ahead, Greg. Something you were doing? Unboxing sounds like when a woman breaks up with you. And, yeah, and then I got picked up in London and like the mirror or one of those big tabloids.

So I know, I know. Ellen read it because she's in London she's in London she's in London she's coming back she's coming back oh great for revenge can we get her on we owe her that much

I think she might give us less energy than the Rizzler that's crazy that's crazy she's coming back to America she thinks she's going straight to L.A. or what yeah well I think she sold all her houses so that was like a billion dollars right and then she moved to England

and I guess she had like a historic farm house and she put on an addition and a cut off like a river an ancient river and like the whole town hated her oh i think she might have been driven out damn yeah she's driven out everywhere that's two places two countries now i know yikes she can be staying with the risler when she gets back you heard the riz they live in uh statin island queens new jersey i like that guy he's got a time yeah we uh yeah we live in a car You know, we're everywhere. Like a jewel.

You know what I'm saying? We live in a Walmart, a Kentucky fried chicken. Matt, you know the Riddler. You don't know who that? I feel like in the room with people that just don't know. Did you just want to cuddle them and everything? No? I wanted him to drink a Shirley Temple.

Oh, that's right. It was getting madele of Schroly Temple. When he walked in, I was like, who's this small child? I know. Do you think that's a sexual fantasy, Shirley Temple? There must be a benefile that the Rizzler's like, that's my type. I like round. Yeah, oh, definitely.

He was smooth as an Asian man. What is the... What happened to Shirley Temple? She OD'd, right? She became like a... She was an ambassador. I thought she took her own life. No.

Who am I thinking of? Judy Garland You think of the Rizzler After he does his podcast What's the name? Shirley Temple had like the worst Like you know just like bad like with men Like they totally stole her money and everything

Oh shit They made her smoke cigarettes To stunt her growth and all that shit She's always dancing with the help Yeah I saw this movie hell yeah She was in black face in one of the movies What?

Yeah Yeah Mirtuck dog Hey Lundoo up How long is this show been going on. Wow, you got it on that O-Zempic, didn't you, kid?

Give us a Riz. Give us a Riz for old time. Do you still do that? Did you see the Rizler out there? Now that you're a substitute teacher. Sean Murphy, everybody. Sean, you have a hard man to follow this. Do you know who the Rizler is? I do. I just saw him in the bathroom.

Really? Oh, you're sick. Which was embarrassing because you were at the short ear. Did you say, hey, kid. the drizzler and there you go

yeah he turned the lights off on me I was like in the shit whoa he's called him boxing he's a walking

glory hole oh my at that height at that height who what the fuck is happening well I guess our resolution's not

to be good people guys but that was pretty epic to have the that was awesome yeah he sat on my lap yeah

he just told one day this will be inappropriate. She's like, never if she went out of the room. What the fuck? What is this? Shirley Temple and Blackface. What the fuck is happening?

Oh, wow. Good times. She's cute. Yeah. Little tar, baby. I wouldn't hurt a little girl like you. Maybe you'll tell me where your daddy is. Oh, brother.

Mark talking to the Rissela later tonight. I wouldn't hurt you one bit. You're a pretty little boy. Yeah. I got him in full blackboard. all right are we going to play it or is that that was it

I need to come Is it Are we supposed to fill in our own lines What are you talking about Willis? Oh no Is that Benson? Well they even did the hands

That's commitment Yeah Racism and abuse This is before abortions Warm up The Riz would have been all over them. No, she's violent. Uh-oh, here comes the Confederate Army.

It's ice. This reminds me of my best week ever day. Holy shit. Woo! All right, good time. What a dog whistle, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, trope. Yeah, sorry. We just walked into a buzz stop.

Then you wonder why a CVI. gets looted. See it right here. And who are these two queens? Oh, sorry. That was crazy. He just took his son here after school. I mean...

Oh, he went to school today. I didn't even think about that. That's crazy. What the fuck is happening. Damn, what a weird day for that kid. Yeah. I thought he'd be homeschooled in the kitchen. You know what I'm saying?

He's a big kid. Oh, yeah, I got it. He was junkie for sure. So you're going home to Buffalo? Geez. I try to include you. I appreciate it. Yeah, a couple weeks in January.

Nice. Yeah. Not Christmas? Not Christmas. Going to Connecticut. The lady? Yeah. You're married, right?

Engaged. Whoa. Yeah. The Rizzler is going to get me away. Well, tell him I, the last, me tell him to the Rizler, the last bachelor standing on this podcast. Yeah. He might beat you. What's the, where you get married, bud?

We don't know yet. Wherever's cheapest. Oh. The fat black lounge. Which club have you decided on? Bobby Kelly will do a guest set and marry you too. Greenwich Comedy Club. Gretage. You'll bark people on your wedding.

I just did a show in Stanford, which is pretty good. That's a good room. Yeah, that's a really good one. Good room, yeah. They're doing all right. Rough part of town, though, huh? No, that's Bridgeport. Oh, I'm thinking a bridge.

I got chased off stage in Bridgeport. That's fucking dicey. That's the guaranteed laugh. You know what I'm saying. Bridgeport's scared. New Haven's got some rough areas too. Oh my God, yeah. Remember that old, what was that?

The Hells Angels. Yeah, Joker's wild. That was wild. Wow, how do you guys know that, really? I did that room just started, right? Yeah. Yeah. They still have not paid me.

Yeah, no, that's true. True story. New Haven. You remember from your days at Yale. New Haven guns waiting. I'm an Eli. No, I did They told me this is gay to sit like this

There you go We just had a boy on a man's lap Express yourself Do what you feel I did that joke as well It was Sarah Silverman And back when we were Boston comics Where?

It's that old? Yeah It goes way back And the club on her she came in And he goes Hey you look good Turn around To her?

Yeah, he sit in the booth to her. He goes, turn around. And she goes, I'm not turning around. And then we did the sets, and he didn't talk to her all weekend because she didn't turn around. Whoa. Good for her. Damn. I did.

I spun like three times. And I got paid. Damn. Damn. Were there bikers there? I don't remember. It was a biker bar. Yeah.

Yeah. New Haven's got the pizza. Oh, yeah. spot and that's kind of it's yeah and yale and mammoons the original mammoons is that new haven new haven weird toads the bar toads yeah at yale it's not a choice it's it's it you have to yeah to go with the mamones right toads is where the stones kicked off one of their tours no shit weird it's a little rock club pull up toads i want to see this joint yeah connecticut's uh it's dicey man i've done what is that manchester uh the hartford funny bone that's fucking rough i've died there a few times yeah me too

I got buried by a fucking sound effects guy all weekend He was like hit the fucking music His whole thing was like It would be like in the air tonight They would play it And he would just act out being high In the grocery store to that song

And it made no sense Yeah But it fucking murdered He would be like going through Like looking for stuff And then he would just go Bo doom, boom boom boom boom And it would fucking annihilate

And I was like All right one more time for that guy But by show five I was like It doesn't make sense what he's doing doesn't make fucking sense and the crowd's like we don't care

yeah what's your policy on like if you go to a town and there's an opener I mean I know Dave you always bring your own openers not always but if they do crowd work

do you say anything or you just let them do it I mean I don't give a shit I let them do whatever they want to do but I prefer they do jokes obviously but if they have a moment no no not a moment I'm talking about somebody who like

all crowd work yeah I don't like that no that's no that's no good I just said somebody recently. They were doing a ton. Really? I kind of felt bad, though. I was like, I shouldn't say anything. But I don't want to, like, I do some crowd work, and I don't want to be in the back watching every moment of the rack to see who they talk to.

Oh, it's about watching. That's the part of the bothers you. That's hilarious. You should hand the guy at the beginning of the week, your rules, like a big, like a play. Laminators. Yeah. Now, when I come up, fist bump me. Like, give me a tap on the ass and I'll be like, whoa, what happened there?

What's up with that guy? And then stand to the side and laugh at everything I say. How did he take it? You keep assuming it's a he. How do you know it wasn't a shit? Oh, nice. She was fine. She was fine.

Nice. I wouldn't tell a lady what to do. That feels she can tweet about that. Then I would. How come this crowdworking? It doesn't seem to a, I don't know. I wasn't even going to say, but like people don't want to be talked to so much like at the cellar and all these other city clubs.

Like they get really like, you know, like I didn't think. this would happen i'm like don't you watch tick talk don't you this could be your moment yeah i know well there's some people who are like don't talk to me and somebody were like why aren't you talking to me yeah those are the worst i don't see those people but it almost doesn't make sense on the road because the rooms are so big so you're talking about someone's hat and someone is like what hat yeah even see it exactly arena man i can see everybody well big jill pull a stool out and do the jumbotron crowd world i love it it's pretty impressive It's ballsy as fuck.

Wow. But if you got the jumbo, they can all see the fat guy with the face tattoo or whatever he's talking about. And nothing kills harder than that shit in a room that bit. It's crazy. Crowdworking in an arena? If you can do it. Yeah. If you can pull it off?

Right. Because they're like, how the fuck does he have the balls to do this? Yeah. So. Yeah. I think the crowdwork bubble is bursting. Really? I think it's coming to an end.

It blew up so big. Yeah. That's to come back down a little. A little. And people stopped writing jokes. They were just like, oh, I'll just go up and go, what do you do? How long you've been together? What porn is this?

You know, whatever, mom and daughter. That was a big one. See, you have a black boyfriend. Yeah, that's a big one. Yeah, and they're just a long pause. You have nothing? You're just like, he's black. Yeah.

That's all you have. That's funny. The Rizzler, I miss him. That was one of those moments. I had a feeling he was going to come. here. Well, he said surprise and he wouldn't tell us who. We call it a wet dream.

Will the Rizzler get into stand-up do you think at some point? Absolutely. It could happen. Once the public appearance money dries up. Right over it stand-up into serious drama. Hopefully. Because if he opens up or be doing this shit and kills, I'm going to quit.

By the way, you think he's opening for you? You're opening for him. Rizzler, please let me open. The Rizzo hands you a list. Don't talk about this. your chin. I gave him my avails at the elevator. That's one of those. You have a Sunday night show and they'll tell you

ticket sales are light. And as you're walking in, the Rizzler's 4 o'clock crowd is storming out. They all look exactly like him. He's too inside. He just keeps talking about how he didn't get in the movie Warfare. You see, I couldn't do the flying thing.

I have an issue with that. You guys unbox? That's the whole show. That's the whole show. He just opens. action figures are like this is killer see this is how you know we couldn't be pedophiles that was a lot of work that was tough oh marvel legends get out of here you don't say it almost makes you respect them a little bit yeah pedos they got to put the i got to go for it

it's awful i mean hanging out with kids is my niece gives nothing yeah right gives nothing all judgment right all judgment she's 13 it's just a tough i said of bat mitzvah she gives me nothing then she opens my gift and she's like uncle sam big hug the next day She pretends she doesn't know me again. I was like, come on. Try raising a couple. Good luck with that. Good luck, Mark.

All right, listen, I got to bounce. I'm meeting my son for dinner right now. Where you go? We're going to some soup house up on Fifth Avenue. What a fancy name for a shelter. And then we're going to see O'Mary. I'm taking him to go to the East Bay. Yeah, yeah.

So anyway. The Rizzler's the new O'Mary. Great scene, man. Great scene. I'll see you guys. How long are you in town for it? Two weeks. I'll see around.

Yeah, come out. Okay. You're going to do some sets? Yeah, yeah, I'll be at the stand and the cell. Please check out Greg. Greg is one of my favorite comics. Thank you very much. Great to see you guys.

Cleveland. Oh, yeah. Pull the band's dates up, will you? Whatever. How about an invite for your podcast? Oh, Fitzdog, radio, and Sunday Papers. Thanks, Dave. There it is.

I love Gibbons. Gibbons is the man. He'll be in Jersey, Cleveland, Atlanta, Austin, the Ponschuan, Comedy Mothership. Billy. Oh, let's do a big gay photo. Just get in, yeah. Get in, dude.

Hold on, I can't see Mark. How's my ass? It's bony. Thank you, gentlemen. That's a bony Irish ass. Hey, Sean, flop over here. One Irish for another. Come on, it's hot.

Sean, have a Shirley temple that was meant for the Rizzler. Uh, I'd love to. The good old Rizzler. Break your future. Did you want to drink? I'm happy to make you something. Do you a mocktail? Yeah, I'll take a macktail.

Something. What do you like? What do you offer? What do we have? I got juice. I got ginger beer. I got eggnog. I've got a spirit-free whiskey, I think so.

Ooh. Whoa. Spirit-free whiskey. Everyone seemed excited about that. I'll try that. All right. He likes the sweets, this guy. Yeah.

We get ice cream on the road. I didn't know that you guys toured together. Yeah, he opens a real lot. But when you play Buffalo, you let him headline, don't you? Look who's home. Yeah. You guys ice cream again? How am I?

Tim Horton's That's a great town Who do you bring out, Dave? I pretty much have like four people now but Nicole Amy Shriver I do Oh, she's cool

Dave Funny. All my openers are going on to headlining So they're doing great You know Ian and what's his name

Well, Alex Price Of course Oh yeah, big guy And that was one of the best theater shows I did this year Was in Indianapolis Yeah, I couldn't believe it Which one?

Which room was? I don't know probably the smallest theater in town I think that's what they call it smallest theater in town you still using Mackey uh who Joe Mackey I haven't no I don't think he ever I thought you used Mackey I don't know what I think he did I did like one or two gigs with him but no I haven't seen him he's like so mysterious I haven't he is but he is definitely one of the best great joke out of yeah he really is really funny Dave's the best guy to open for me I was like he's so damn fucking encouraging man well I open for you was the best My crowd, like, even though they're old, they really get it.

Like, they really don't have any kind of, like, filter on them, you know, like, but as long as it, you know, like, solid material, they're into it. But, you know, some of the locals, you know, always trying to give them, like, a ton of guest spots, you know, all that stuff. Yeah, I opened up for you in Buffalo and Raleigh back in the day. Oh, really? Yeah, it was me, you and Maddie Rie. Oh, that's, well, Maddie, yeah. Wow.

Yeah, she's on SNL. She's blown past both of you. SNL writer. Yeah. And then we went out to get food and someone. try to get you to go to their improv show damn I want to take stage time away from 12 others

I remember doing the dates with you and Jeff those were fun as hell man that when you guys were doing bumping mics and I mean I remember we ended up remember that we did like an all-nighter in a casino that night oh yeah gambling all night it was like the most fun night ever you know that Jeff has been so busy I don't know if you guys got to see his one-man show I have it I want to see it's a Broadway show man really good

I heard it's really good He was in the Middle East doing the troops. He was doing the U.S.O. Yep. Yeah. He's doing it. He's everywhere. Not me. I don't want to go near an airport for the next month, if I can.

Yeah. A lot of your gigs is local coming up? I just have Providence, and then I have sold joles again. Oh, that's a great room. I'm looking forward to that one. I got to do that one. It's a good room. It's a good room.

Yeah. I think it's indoors now. Yeah, it is. That's what I'm saying. It's way better. During COVID, though, that shit saved us. Oh, yeah. Outdoor dome.

Holy shit. That dome was amazing. Yeah. Those animals came out. It was like a January 6th crowd. It was incredible. They were great. Uh-oh, here comes a mock.

All right. What do we got in this? Bodeca Cat N-A. Whiskey. N-A. How close do you think you order to know their special, Dave? I don't think I'm ever doing another one. Oh, get out of here. I feel like that was the one thing I think you guys will get, which is just the disappointment of, like, I thought I was doing the work, but I'm really not getting anything good.

It feels like it's always being squeezed down back into the same 25 minutes You know, I don't know what I'm doing You know, like, and play I'm just trying to do These other things now, so I don't know But what do you guys think? Three years, four years, how many? Because, you know, let's face it, I'm pretty much

Half in the grave at this point, so Why you just put it out? Who cares? Maybe you don't like it, but we all love it. We, and do you? Yeah, but what's the point of like, Then you have to tour again with what? Like, you know, I hate that.

But you can't help but do new shit, constantly I mean you're gonna do it anything yeah but how much of it is good it's fucking good we've seen it it's great I saw you two nights ago you're killing you're the dude I watch and I'm like fuck I got a right new shit no way dude yeah I saw your after party after corner of your home oh my god a mental lot you showed up I couldn't believe the I couldn't believe the sevens and eights that you've dropped I was the shortest guy in there oh really dude no but every time you're new You should is so good, man.

Oh, thanks, Sam. And you got news. The topical stuff is impressive. You pump it out, quick. I was on the phone with someone last night who was like, David Tells on the podcast, like, couldn't believe it. Oh, yeah, that was the Rizzler. You could do a whole hour on the Rizzer if you wanted to.

That's right. Yeah. You guys have the same body. No, it would be really funny if you, uh... The Rizler looks like a chance smokes. He does, yeah. How old is the Rizler? Has this been covered already?

I asked he's nine. You never ask a gnome his age? Nine years old His poor kid works harder than any of us His tour schedule is probably worse than ours Oh, I'm telling it He's like a kid at the Apple Factory Slave labor

Is he really Is he like all like Coast to Coast or is he regional? He's pretty regional but Yeah, I think so He'll, he's in movies Oh he is? Oh, he's everywhere

He's blown up I think he's in Happy Award 2 What a great as they say, Get for you guys Very good get Yeah, he's a hit You got him right before he went all religious. You're not doing a special again, but Bobby Lee's finally doing one.

Yeah, that's right. You see that? After 50 years of stand-up. Wow. He's doing a special. I don't know what he's going to do. Is that really his first one? Yeah, ever done. Wow.

He held out until the money was right. I guess so. It's going to be on Hulu, I think. You'll do another one for sure. You got it. You will. No, you know, it would be, I mean, whatever, you guys. do your own specials, I assume

you're in the same boat, which is just like, at what point does the platform not matter at all? Probably soon. That's a good spot to be in like a Jim Gaffigan. Would you, would you live stream one? No. No, I don't like the live one. I don't like the pressure of it. What's the point of doing two shows if you're just going to...

Yeah, yeah. You got one on January 6. January 6, that's right. That's what comes out? Memorable date. Yeah. YouTube. On this guy's YouTube. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. That's your last one. What's the special called? The Jews will not replace this?

It's called fight, fight, fight. Good marketing, you know. Long story, thin. It's a reference to a thin dick joke. Nice. Got a big thin dick closer. Oh, yeah. Don't give it away.

Don't give it away. Does Mark introduce you or what happens? No. He phones it in? Yeah, I just put on the channel. I had them on here and I'm done. That's big. I'll take it.

There you go. Well, Sean's killing at the cellar, man. He's crushing. Everyone likes... Liz doesn't say nice stuff about a lot of comics there. And she says nice stuff about you. The fact that she gave you a date there, that means something. Yeah, he shot it at the cellar.

She doesn't say yes to a lot of people these days. Yeah, I'm very thankful. Yeah, she's great. The moment she started kind of being nice... Nicester to me, I was like, oh, this feels good. Yeah. You know, like... It won't less.

Yeah. She turns to me constantly. I have friends who see her just like start screaming at me. They're like, that was awesome. They think it's awesome to just watch them scream at me. Spot around the corner, now!

Yeah. She's a tough cookie. Whenever I get a where are you, I'm like, oh, I'm in trouble. She holds that place together. She's the empathy. She does. She's the glue.

Without her would be, let's face it. Third World Country. Anyway, congrats, buddy, in advance. So what kind of merch are we talking about? What are you going to be selling out there? I do sell condoms on the road.

That's my merch. What's your crowd like? Are they also? Clearly white. White, then Dix. I see you might have cornered the ophthalmologist crowd. So since this is our New Year's episode, we didn't prepare for this,

but do you guys have any New Year's resolutions? Oh. Oh, actually it was a peeves. I have a peeve. Yeah, what do you got, Dave? I was going to say not to be in a room where a guy has a boy sit on another man's lap. That was still in a camera. Yeah.

Yeah, no cameras. Send in a trauma person. You missed that. Yeah. I like that you fucking set him up for that too. Yeah. You're like, I have a good idea. I have a wish.

And the fact that he agreed. I was like, what the first off, he's nine. You can't get his. Consent. I asked his dad first. He was. You could have fucking done whatever you wanted, dude. If I die in a car crash, they're going to show that photo.

Be with a kid on my left. I think we found the new Corey, if you know what I'm talking about. I got a peeve. I had a stop and chat with someone the other day, and it was 15 fucking degrees. And she was annoyed that I was like, all right, I got to get out of here. And she's like, that's it. And I was like, it's freezing. It's freezing.

I was trying to get indoors. I'm dying out here. Yeah. That's crazy. The annoyed by the, like, stop and shout out of it. I gave her like a minute and a half, two minutes. How well do you know her? Not well.

Okay, that's fair then. I was leaving, she's like, okay, and I was like, it's cold. Okay, you're like, I gave you a fifth minute and a half. Okay, signfold episodes. Okay, guys. You remember the okay episode? 15 degrees, 15 minutes. Ooh.

Did you want something to drink? No, I'm all right. What do you got here, sister? I'll take a grill. cheese. Tomato soup could be a drink. No, I'm fine. Thank you, though. Those are Manhattan's because I realized I

accidentally made the old fashions with the N.A. Good call. Do you bartend, I'm sorry, do you bartend in other places lately? Stumble in. Just this place. I mean, because I heard that like now it's all about fancy, non-alcoholic, like $50 drinks, you know, but it's really just juices and, you know, wages and stuff. Kids don't drink anymore.

They know. I go out with, I'll go out with Todd for a drink sometimes and he'll order a mocktail and it's like a $16 pear juice yeah waste of time kids don't drink I've been trying to get the Rizler to drink for you he won't do it still hasn't touched to Shirley Temple oh we need his face on a Mike's hard lemonade yeah I'm gonna send him a bouquet of Twinkies Riz you've done a great job you've done it again Rizley kids don't drink but they do want me to charge their vape which is inferior oh these These quips.

Charge your fucking vape? Charge their vape. I can't take the vape people serious, man. They come up to me with their vape, and they go, you got a charger, and then I give them this face. And they go, and can I get a club soda? Oh. Vapapologist. Yeah, I'm a vapeologist.

Yuck. Grow up, you ninnies. I operate the outlet. All right, here's my peeve. I'm on the flight the other day. Guy's got a giant service dog, like a Rottweiler or something. Big old dog. It's going up and down.

the aisle, whatever, and it's like poking its head in everyone's lap, you know? And this guy kept doing this, which drove me fucking crazy. Instead of going, like, sorry about my dog, sorry, he would go, you don't mind, do you? You don't mind, do you? I'm like, no, no, no, no, you can't tell us how to feel. It's very aggressive.

You don't mind, do you? Yeah. You know, you're basically saying, like, I'm telling you how you feel. He bites off an infant's face. You don't mind, do you? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. What kind of dog was it, though? I don't know dog breeds. I'm not Michael Vick. But a big dog on a plane is annoying I like any dog on a plane

It just breaks the tension But a little dog I like It's so tense up there A little dog I'll take Because you know it's bullshit that like the service animal It's like a fucking, you know It's like a chihuahua You're like it's not a fucking service animal

But you guys know Jizzling's joke right About the support dog on the place That's a great joke It's a good joke Give it to me I'll butcher it but do you know what Sam I don't know of verbatim I know the joke your talk it was in a lot of special i like that yeah it's definitely in the trailer so it's okay i saw

the special i can't remember uh hold i got i got a couple more but i'm wearing this fucking monkey suit hold on what he got under there just the risler's pajamas the risler really was the gift that kept on giving oh yeah i thought we were all very hold on i got it written down oh the rizler already right off the top of your head all right about this guy you go uh you're out drinking And I go, I got a flight in the morning. It's like 2 a.m. I better go. And they go, what time's your flight?

And I go, that's like 10.30. And they go, that's not bad. Is this about me? No. You're just doing peeves about me to my face? 1030. I did this to you last week. Well, here's my point.

1030 is bad because you got to be there at 9.30. You got to wake up at 8.30. 8.30 sucks when you're going to bed at 3. Yeah. So they go, oh, that's not bad. I'm like, you're acting like I have to be there at 1030. No, you're right. That's all.

I hate the other than that. I just like hanging out with you. That wasn't about you. I was having fun. That wasn't about you. We got sourced. Oh, yeah. You don't stay up the whole night?

I always get the first flight out. Just stay up the whole night. I can't do that. What is your sleeping schedule? Everyone always asked me what your sleeping schedule. Terrible. What is it? But no, like on the road, like stay up the whole night and then fly out.

And then like when I land, I'm like, am I too tired to drive in? It's like, yeah. But yeah, it kind of ruins the whole next day. But I'm always like. afraid I'm going to miss the flight, whether there's going to be a problem at the airport, which is really weird. It's like, get there early, like, there's a problem at the airport. Like, I don't know how to fly a plane nor fix one, so why am I there? Like, why was I alerted?

That's true. Bring your tools. Now, can you sleep on the plane? I used to do that. I don't do it anymore. Damn, that's a gift. Dave would pull an all night on the Burt tour. You would just stay up all night on the bus.

Yeah, well, you know. Well, that was the weird thing about that tour, which is that it is a point. party bus, but, like, I felt really uncomfortable smoking on the bus. And then the bus driver, who was a super fan, had a heart attack. Now, I'm not connecting the two, but he was the one guy who said, you could smoke up here. The driver was the Rizzler.

He did have that kind of quality. But, yeah, no, I always like, I'm afraid I'm going to miss the flight, but that's good. You get some winks in before you get home. Yeah, you try. How about this? There's another peave. I don't know if you got any. Am I step on? I have some, but

you go. Okay, okay. This guy, Who won't answer any questions, but he tries to seem cool. You're like, holy shit, you got his free pizza. How'd you do that? And he goes, oh, that guy. Or he goes, like, I'll tell you, but I'd have to kill you. Shut off.

I'm just asking about the pizza. You know, hey, how'd you get his free parking? This is awesome. Hey, I work in mysterious ways or whatever. Some bullshit answer, you're like, well, just tell me the answer. Stop trying to give me these limericks. Hey, I know a guy or whatever. He's like undersharing.

Yes, yes, but he's trying to seem cool. No, I know you mean, that's annoying as hell. I used to know a guy who would wink. I hated the wink guy. You go, hey, where did you get this Ferrari? That's not an answer. I used to know a guy who would like kids sitting his lap on podcast. Oh, that's appalling.

It was awful. That's appalling. What do you got, Sean? I think if you're out to eat and you get your food first, you should be able to eat. No shame. What is it? Subway takes? That's not a peeve

That's a peep if you get shame for You eat it, people give you shame for it You should be allowed to eat Hot food, no question Hot food, no question But even cold food Like what do I get if you're waiting On me, you know?

And if it was the reverse You would be like, go for it? I get nothing for you waiting Interesting Yeah, I guess you're right There's a curb episode about this Oh, really? Yeah, yeah

Larry gets his food first And he's like, do you mind? He goes, yeah, of course So you gotta wait for me He's like, what's the difference? and they fight. Was it cold food or hot food? It was a sandwich.

That was part of the argument. But yeah, I get that. People get really weird about eating. Do you have any ones that really happened to you? I swear. What about... My other peeve is I tripped Shaq at a Laker game one time. Really, it was bad.

I let a black guy live with me. What about... We've talked about... I think you should be able to get... in the hotels earlier. Oh, that's a great. We'll get back to four now. It's at 4 p.m.

Yeah, so how many hours are you really in the hotel? That's the thing, like 11? Exactly. Not to mention, for us, we check in, then we just, we're out. Yeah. Yeah. You're just sleeping there, really. Sleep for a shower.

Do you go right to sleep when you check in a hotel? No. I have to, like, walk around for like two hours or something like that. I'm a walker as well. You sleep when you check in during the day? No. Like right before the show and try to get a couple of hours, but it's really, Really, like, when you check in, it's like, I got to go buy cigarettes.

Where's, where can I get a coffee around here, you know? What are you what are you up to do? I'm looking at, like, I just want to, and it's always in a place where it's like so unwalkable. Right. Hey, is there a coffee place? Yeah. You see that highway?

Then there's like, then there's like an alley. Yeah. And then through that, there's like a really bad coffee place. Right. Because you're in downtown Albany. It's always the saddest, weirdest place. You're going to say Buffalo, but go ahead. I would up take the head.

I would upstate. Who's a trans barista, you're getting a good cup, though. That's true. Every downtown's got a transverse. You're like, this is a good place right here. Yeah, trans. Somebody has a great bid. They're like, trans make the best coffee and racists make the best barbecue.

Interesting. Yeah. I never heard that. I don't know whose bit that was. Damn. Larry David, probably. We're ripping off this episode. More peaves.

We've got to get him on here. What's your favorite city to go to, Dave? Well, I guess the best ones for me are D.C. and San Francisco. And I don't know. There's like a couple of really, really good ones. But it's like, I don't like going back unless I got at least like a new 15, 20 minutes, you know, I feel really, but, you know, the people book in the show is like, yeah, no, you know, I'm like, yeah, but I don't have anything really new. You're the most prolific comic, dude. No, I don't think.

I definitely don't think that's true. I think you're the most prolific. I put you two at the top. I always say, you guys are the machines. You enlist, I'd say, or pumping it out. You pump it out, dude. I'm trying, but my jokes are so short. You got some stories in there.

I have to. I have to throw some, if I'm doing an hour, I have to throw in stores. I can't do fucking, I like the short jokes. I have to do a few of those, but like in an hour, I need some longer bits. Yeah. Well, when I was in Spokane, Stanhope and Andy were there, you know, like, they were doing the early show and I had the late show. It was one thing like that. And, like, I hadn't seen Doug live in a long time.

And it's amazing. He comes out, he does about 20 minutes. They were talking about going to the Ukraine. And then Andy does like 25, 30 minutes. Then Doug comes back out for an hour. And then at the end, they both do it. So I was like, man, that's a lot of show. Wow.

And his crowd's way younger than mine. So evidently, you know, people got the word. But I was like, man, he really brought it. I was, like, really impressed. Then I'm up there with the recorder. There was two guys who could juggle. I said, can you juggle past me as I'm playing the recorder? Like, it was just like all this, like, it was Hack City.

Wow. I kept going to Doug. Is this hack? Dude, that was the most fun night when Stanhope came to hang it. Sorry, it's been a long day. You couldn't wait for the Riz? wouldn't that be great if he cried I just had a box that

When Stanope came to the cellar We just hung until like that was like the best night ever man Oh that was awesome That was like a year ago I was so fun Yeah that was a while ago Doug is the fucking man It was during the California fires I remember

That's right Yeah You're risen I'm rinsing oh sorry Trademark You stole his essence I'm the jizzler You stole his essence

Sorry Sorry, they're... Do you want another comteenie? Hey! She's back. Now that the children are asleep, the party starts. Hold on. I wanted to say something.

You said something about Stanhope in the show of Ukraine and... Spokane. It was right before Spokane. Dave being prolific. Yeah. I don't really want to talk about that. It wasn't about Dave. No, I feel like every joke I have right now, it's like it's only a matter of time.

until it either stops working or I hate saying it right yeah so there's like there's that like fucking window whatever is that five-week window maybe yeah something like that's what I'm saying put it out put a clip I just don't have enough uh material to torn right now so once I have that then it would be like yeah what are you going to do but I'm saying if it's a joke that's about to go out of the ether yeah the zeit guys throw it up real quick all right I'll call up my partner Dick Van Dyke get out there geez how about Andy Dick exactly you hear about him

yeah oh he got found on Hollywood Boulevard like slumped over he was on crack yeah he's having a tough go fucking

yeah dark that type Andy Dick and it came up Andy Dick Nward oh gee what is he doing Kramer's act holy hell

I blame the boulevard that place is just filthy it is disgusting he's been on drugs a long time yeah remember his son

used to be on comic triple eight night it was like all the It was all the, like, the NEPO connection cutting in front of us on late night. It would be like Lucas Dick, Jordan Rock. Like, everyone just cut in front of us. Can we get on the fucking show? Yeah.

There he is. You just, you know, I, if you've ever seen him when he's at the top of the game, he's super funny. Very funny. No question. I'm just going to say that because people love to dump on him and everything, but. No, he was great on news radio. He is like He's electric

I mean like when you see him on camera and everything he steals He steals the scene so yeah But like yeah that's sad But that Hollywood Boulevard is disgusting and Honestly Where dreams go to die over there Yeah I just at the store again

Yeah how was it Well thank you guys Yeah Well now does this keep going till New Year's No I don't know Dave plugs him let's pull up Dave's tour dates No you don't have to do that I got soul of Joel's coming up in

in January. What is it? What is this? Oh, Sam's threesome tracker. Sam has 365. Yeah, because Mark had a threesome and I admitted I haven't. Well, let's hope it's not cold out. So you won't.

I was listening. The Rizzler and his dad. It's going to happen. Let's make it happen, guys. You have a year left. This is fucking hilarious. You're going to get some DMs. Who did this?

Who did this shit? Peters. You made this? AI. AI, all right. I was going to say, you're good a AI. AIMs a threesome track, right?

I hope that would go see Dave on the road. Look at this. Soul Joles, you can see in Pennsylvania, Pottsdown, Pennsylvania, stand-up live in Phoenix. Great Club. That's in February. February's busy for me. The Brahe Improv, February 17th through 19th. You're at Cobbs every week.

Oh, no, just the 17th, you're at Bray. Then you're at Cobbs, the 19th through the 22nd. Wow, you're there a lot. a long time. Yep. That's a great club. That's where I shot my specials, though. That specials on Netflix is just magical for comedy, so.

Dude, that's special rules. Check it out. Go check it out on Netflix. And Addison Improv in March. The great club. Hell yeah. Zanies. Good clubs.

And then I'm, then I die. Sometimes in June. Dave said this every hour that he's done, and then he puts out the best hour. I'm not doing it. Come on. You guys, you guys just set the bar too high now. That's not true. you're you're ready for anyone right feb i'm taping late february in tampa i got one coming out march yeah wow so how many is this now

six watch out carlin you and quinn are the reason we're like fuck we got to write a lot it's because of you and colin and louis and louis and here we goan murphy these are sad dates that looks like a like a fun go fund me or something i'm an adult special needs but i'm still a man married. You've got ALS. Your tour dates looked like a fucking ransom note.

I know. I know. It looks like her is this. It looks like a chat GBT printout. I don't let my crones hold me back.

Go see. Well, first off, watch Sean, first of all. Yes. Special is a big one. Special January 6

on Mark Norman's YouTube page. Watch that. Long story thin. And C. I'm out there, baby. I'm in the,

I'm in the streets. Have you heard of a comma like what is it dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead you acted like they're clicking away no wait wait January 12th I'll be in good bits buddy believe in your font

change your font then your hair cut I got to work out my website Sean's a very funny guys support the special his shit's really tight really funny support the brackets around opening for Mark Norm I'll give you some more dates just so we can

tighten this up a bit Oh, well, all right. Well, yeah, go see the Murph Dog, and I'll be at... See, look at that, professional. That's nice, that's nice. I'm back in the clubs, baby. Des Moines. Wow.

Brea, right before Dave, thank God. How many days in Braia? Look at you on my birthday. Oh, shit. No. Big 78. I'm in Rob, Bend, Oregon. Ron, Oregon, Grand Ron, some casino.

New Brunswick going to sea in the stress factory. San Antonio Tulsa and Arizona The LOL comedy club It's good It's a big room Yeah I got a meds

I like it but the ceiling isn't high enough It's a good COVID room Yeah But yeah I got a Whoa I'm working I'm tightening the screws here for this Omaha Funnybone

One of my favorites January 8th through 10th Love you Colleen I got the DC improv Never played it January 16th through 18th Never never played it are going to love it. Yeah, Allison and Antoine. Added an knighted

Zanis there, going to tighten it there. And then we got Stanford, Connecticut and the Providence Comedy Connection the following weekend that'll be up. Whoa. Happy New Year. Tampa Theater, February 27th,

going to add the 26th as well. So that should be on sale now, I guess. So that's the special. Hope I see you in Tampa, guys. Love you, Florida. Happy New Year. Happy New Year, everyone. We love you guys.

And buy some bodega cat. Thank you, Mattie. Thank you, Maddie. Oh, it didn't work. Oh, miss fire. You got one each. Oh, shit. Hey, that thing is loud.

Nice. Oh, fuck my ass. I can't get anything. Let me pull out my gun. Damn, it was like being the Riz. I couldn't get it off. Great up. Watch this guy's special.

See Dave on the road. Yeah, very good. And we love you guys. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. A day's a day for my next fender, a bit of fever wreck, you know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope, and I get down in the same way.

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