We Might Be Drunk - Ep 265: No Guest - Mark Normand & Sam Morril

Episode Date: January 5, 2026

No guest this week, but Mark and Sam cover it all: martinis and why they secretly destroy you, Carnegie Hall nerves, IV recovery, casino gigs, and traveling with Shane Gillis. Mark talks hooping with Adam Sandler, run-ins with Seinfeld, and the pressure of performing with comedy legends in the crowd. The guys unload a massive stack of pet peeves, from tall sandwiches and bad dating profiles to browser glitches, password resets, airplane etiquette, and inconsiderate New Yorkers. They also dive deep into the Diddy documentary, celebrity power, old-school movies, inspiration hitting at the worst times, and why being single rules until Sunday night. Sponsored by: Bodega Cat Whiskeyhttps://www.bodegacatwhisky.com Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBDMerch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/ticketsMark Normand: https://watchoutlive.com/marknormand/tickets ⸻ Check out That Sounds Right, the comedy panel show hosted by the producer of WMBD:https://www.youtube.com/@thatsoundsrightshow Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #BodegaCatWhiskey Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, but even a martini's a bold, because martini's fuck your, I got fucking hammered on martini. I stumbled on the strip house on Saturday. I got fucking lit up, dude. It is weird that martinis are the classy drink, because it is just liquor in a cup. Let's start with that. That's good. Yeah, it's a good point. No, it's the dignified drink.

Yeah. But, like, you know who drank martini's? Churchill. He looked like shit. Oh, my God. He was fucking obese. He was bloated. He went to the White House, and the whole staff hated him.

They're like, he's walking around his underwear, he's kicking the dog. He's smoking a cigar, like 8 a.m. Well, dude, he was, because here's the thing. Calorie-wise, they're probably not as bad if you go dry because it's just vodka or gin, right? Right. But if you're drinking that, you're drunk. Yeah, yeah. It's liquor and olive juice.

Oh, that's for dirty. Right. Dry is just a vermouth. That's true. But you're getting fucking lit up on that. I have a few, and I'm fucking gone. I love them. It's a great drink.

Oh, you do feel classy. You do? Until the third. Yeah, yeah. And then you're like, I'm a fucking drunk. I hate the cup, though. I get a martini in a rocks glass. I've done it, but it's, I'll do this.

See, I don't like getting that, like a Manhattan in a, in the up. Oh, I hate that. Because that's not, it's too, it's a whiskey drink. Nothing brown should come in that fucking glass. But you got to drink the martini at the martini glass. It's, I like when they give you the oversized giant glass and they just give you the regular serving so it just doesn't go up because it's not me like who the fuck yeah yeah of course i'm in a pack bar here yeah cheers hey i'm drinking whiskey like a man

in a regular cup yeah but anyway yeah man how you been you're on the were you out with shane this weekend yeah i did Thursday was Shane Friday was Shane Saturday Minneapolis casino oh nice which was rough yeah big money grab yeah big money grab But I just walked out and I was like, Tim Wals, huh? They're like, ah? You know, like Somalians, eh? They're like, bah! So that was fun.

Ilya and Ovar, huh? Ah! She's like a sister to me. So I'm fucking her. They're like, oh my God, yeah. They just want to hear that shit so bad. Yeah, they're like, it's about us. Exactly.

Yeah, that's cool. I was like, I drove by his house, called him a retard. And they're like, so did I. What the fuck? You know, they throw a shit at me. Great gig. Great gig. Oh, nice.

Nice. If you get your people at a casino, you can't really beat it. It's still just a show. Reno is killer, man. I had a great time. There you go. Damn, look at that. Where are you ashamed here?

We did Tucson the first night, which was about nine thousand. Wow. And then we did Phoenix the next night, which was about 20? Yeah. Crazy. Damn. Insane. Fun city, too.

Oh, yeah. That's Carnegie Hall, baby. Look at that. Fun night. I was definitely under the weather, man. It sucks when you. I just knew, you know you're on the road, and I had to film shit for this, dumb movie I'm making and then

yeah I knew I was going to be fucked up and it was one of those things I woke up and I was like I guess I got to get like an IV or something so I did it got a little jump and yeah there I am with Lager there I like the brown suit that's a good look yeah change it up a little bit yeah gotta bring it for

Carnegie got a compliment from Jerry on the suit too yeah what was he in was he in seating view thank God he was not can you imagine I can't because Louis sat front row I'm doing my fisting chunk. I look over Jerry. Is he laughing? How'd you get up to the elbow?

No, he, I didn't see him, thank God. He wrote a very nice message after a voicemail, a memo with his wife. Amazing. Very nice. But, you know, I will tell you this, you can't really get out of your head that he's in the crowd. Of course. Which is like, I probably, I did 50. I usually do an hour plus, but I was like, let me just fucking hammer.

There's Carnegie Hall. Let me just hammer. I didn't do, I usually go in the crowd a little I can do shit. I'm like, let me just run the hour and just fucking hammer. But it was, it was cool guy. I did a little after party. Aetel showed up. Whoa.

Love to see it. He was miserable. All these young comics were like, Dave, and he's like, ah. Dave is like an actual cat where you just get him for like a second. Then he runs away. Exactly. Yeah, grumpy cat. Wow.

That's incredible. My mom was there. Yeah, sold out Carnegie Hall. Can't complain. That's unreal. Pretty cool. So cool. But yeah, when I did it with Jimmy Carr.

Louis in the front row going Like he's trying to like start applause breaks I was like I appreciate it That's great But you're killing me That was better than the alternative Of course

Of course Just hit like this Yeah Yeah He's like eh That bald ginger In the front That would be so fucked up

You just you go to a premise And he's just like Yeah He's like I heard that Fine Yeah he pulls out a notebook It's like

I'd steal that But yeah Yeah that was crazy But what a night You could just take the subway there Yeah, pretty cool Pretty cool I actually

I should have taken the subway I'm like an idiot But I took a cab Traffic 50 fucking minutes Oh I was like what

How dumb am I Yeah I never take I always I always take the subway I don't know why I was just like I'm I didn't feel 100%

I was like I'll just tell I would have been way better off Yeah What are gonna do Subways the move You kind of grew up blocks from there right No my parents live there now I was Chelsea then Upper East

So I wasn't I wasn't close to there But my parents are close to there now So they walked there. Now, was Veter just, I told Veter, I was like, this is your moment. He killed, dude. Well, he's got Jared could use him as an opener. So I was like, this is a networking opportunity for you. Apparently he asked for the number.

So. Yeah, yeah. So we'll see. We'll see if little Gary gets poached. I mean, Louis already poached my tour manager. Oh, really? Yeah. Damn.

And you don't want to know what he's doing to him. No, but Jerry, yeah, he's a Gary. Yeah, he said Gary killed it too And Gary goes, that's all he said I'm like, what do you want a fucking essay? You open the show, you prick Yeah, exactly But no, he killed it and

Yeah, it was killer man It was awesome And got hammered, of course As you do Got an open bar after the show Very Night of Ricardo, thank you for that man To us a party Nice

Crazy Yeah Well Friday We go to Thursday we go to Tucson on. Shane goes, I just want to go to a dive bar, low-key after the show. We'll get a couple drinks. We'll take it easy. One kid is there. We find this dive bar with batting cages. Whoa. It was super cool. Batting cages is drunk? That's fun. It was great. Because after the first few, you're just like, fuck it. Let me take one. Yeah. Happy Gilmore style.

Exactly. The problem is you have about 17 drinks and you start chasing each other with bats. So that got, we got, we got yelled out for that. But one kid is there drinking alone and he tweets out, the guys are here the whole bar fills up of course every college student in america was there then you grab that kid you beat him like pesci and casino you like you piece of shit you fucking rat the tidy whiteies we put him in a hole oh fuck yeah but uh yeah we had a great time then you got to wake up you go to phoenix the next day on the pj and uh good times it's not like you can't really complain about travel when you're ashamed because like this is as as lux as it gets it's funny i brought sandler to the fucking comedy the comic

game on Sunday which was like it was fun as hell to walk in you know because he and he played he he played hard man he still he still brings it full court wow and he played that morning he texted me like 9 a.m. hoops and I was just like oh I didn't respond to like 1130 I was hung over as shit I said I just woke up man he goes I said but there's a game later today and he goes fuck it I'll do it again I'm like God bless him damn now what's up with him and shallamoo I saw they're playing I was from a while ago I think but yeah they they were doing something together yeah no he but he was in town for one day got two runs in wow fun to fun to play with him too he's like i told him i said your NBA comp is jason kid on the nix oh so like a little later

in his career not as quick but still craft he makes he had one behind the head pass and everyone was like oh shit perfect dime like yokech was like i was like all right hell yeah yeah it was nice does he what is it i mean does he take you that lunch after how's that work he's so fucking busy yeah he he came to the game and then he he did a show with his daughter in town he did like a thing yeah yeah so that night so he was just you know nice that's incredible it was fun hoops with sandler comedy with jerry hey life's all right life is all right so you'll be doing a movie with woody god willing and on a plane with epstein all the juice all the influential jews let's do it wow yeah so i'm still banged up it's like skank fest the shame oh dude

i'm riding all the way into the christmas i was drinking through a cold like i was i was sick I got an IV because I was I got to be pretty sick to get an I got to be pretty sick plus have a big gig to get an IV yes yes if I'm just sick I'm not gonna get one but if I have a big gig I'm like I need something right but then I'm like afterwards I'm like what am you not get drunk yeah it's car so getting smash and then you know that weekend I was like I think I think I'm back and then I'm pounding booze Saturday night fucking hungover shit for Sunday for the game and I was like oh I think while I'm playing basketball I was like I think I'm still sick yeah because after I'm After the game, I was fucking puking. I played like two hours. I was like, I'm like, fuck, got to play. And then I'm just at home like, you know what I watched that night though? You know what's fucking great movie wreck? Blue Moon with Ethan Hawk.

Never seen it. It's fucking great. I loved it. Why are you finding these movies? It's getting a lot of buzz, man. It's a new movie. Oh, it's new. Yeah, yeah.

It's Richard Linklater and Ethan Hawk. And he plays Lorenz Hart, who is, so it was Rogers and Heart. and then Rogers and Hammerstein. You know, so he was his original partner, and they did like My Funny Valentine. They did Manhattan. So many fucking, it had to be you. That's them.

So he was a lyricist. Uh-huh. And, you know, and then he, yeah, dude, he plays like a under five-foot weird balding guy. That's Sardis. Dude, he's fucking grading it. Damn, all right. It's such a, it's really funny and sad.

He's like a really talented but pathetic guy. And it's like a play It's all in one room The whole movie I'll check it out But it's Lawrence text me He's like

You gotta watch this And I was like A couple other people told me Ron on I think Liz loved it too So A few people like You gotta watch this

So okay Yeah loved it dude All three hard men To please in a movie I know And sexually That's true Got a peg Ron on

Yeah Lawrence is a bad Because his hands are sweaty You get the loop A little jump start Yeah Yeah But no dude

It's, you'd love it, I think. It's up your anal, for sure. I mean, because I didn't love the Bradley Cooper, uh, Jew appropriation, yeah, what was that? It's a different movie. I know, but it's like a, it's New York, it's, um, music, old music. It's witty dialogue, too, I did. It's up your alley for sure. And it's, uh, and it's, I like movies that are funny, but also like, ah, this is sad, too.

Like there's something, something about if you can hit, if you can walk that line and hit both of those, I'm like, all right, pretty good. All right, all right. We got a new wreck. Doug it. I saw the ditty doc. Not good. I thought it was fun.

I don't think it was like well made. Oh, I thought it was pretty good. Really? I watched it all. I was fascinated. All right, here's the crazy part. So I'm watching with the wife. And, you know, I'm fingering her with baby oil or watching the movie.

Sure, yeah. You got it gets you horny that movie. Yeah, it's a freak off. And a girl pops up from making a band or whatever. I was like, I think I went to high school with that girl. Whoa. And my wife's like, shut up. What are you talking about?

I'm like, I think I went to high school with her. We Google it Same age from New Orleans I was like, that's her Her name's Dawn Rechard Damn And she's just I haven't finished the movie yet

But she's all I think they hooked up Well yeah I don't think it was I don't think it was a good hookup Yeah well I think they were dating I don't think we can go any of Diddy's Sexual Exploits hookups

Making this guy fuck his girlfriend And here's my issue too The guy fucks his girlfriend for 20 hours 20 hours Yeah yeah 20 hour hook I'm sure he's on fucking all kinds of drugs and stuff.

Jesus. He's jacking off for 20 hours. Watching your girl get fucked. And by the way, six grand. Not that much. Wow. You're making a guy do a 20-hour fuck. And he's walking with 6K.

And he kept doing it. Wow. Damn. Well, they must be watching a movie in the middle of that. 20 hours. You can't. They must have a meal. He must, yeah, maybe.

Yeah, otherwise you're paying overtime. He didn't pay overtime. Six grand is low. I also like, I love all the dumb quotes he has in it. Even in the first episode when he was, he's like, uh, he was like, man, I'm judged by all these images, but if there were subtitles, uh, it'd be, I'm like, dude, with the images we're judging you on is beating the shit out of a woman.

Right. So what, what's up? So, ow. Yeah. What's helping? It's like the old Batman show. Kabo. Kabo.

Yeah, that's crazy. Dude. We have footage of you beating up a lady in a hotel. It is impressive how much he got done for how much drugs he took. Wait a minute. Did he was on drugs? Oh, clearly. I think he was sober in the beginning.

Maybe you haven't got, oh, no, by the certain point. And by the way, he ain't looking great either with a shirt off. No, doughy. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah. Puff Doey. He's puffy. Yeah.

He didn't start puffy and then he changed his name when he got puffy. That's true. A little weird. Ah, then it's fluffy. What's he up to? But yeah, yeah, he's a bad dude. But it's impressive how much he feels. Like, even that basketball game, he's like, I got nine people killed.

Then I signed Biggie. Then I signed Mac Miller or whatever the fuck is. Who got Mac Miller? Hold on the other guy. But apparently, apparently I did hang him with Mr. Cooper. Yeah, he got Tupac killed. He got Biggie killed. Then I hung Mr. Cooper.

I killed him. Dude, he apparently got Tupac killed. That's crazy. Crazy. So it's like, this is not, this is clearly a 50 cent PR stunt. Yeah, yeah. But apparently. Yeah, I mean, dude, do you like, if you couldn't hate this guy anymore, he got fucking

Tupac killed? I know. But the beauty is, uh, 50 cent is just like, I'm not going to talk about Jay Z. I'm not going to talk about Usher. I'm not talking about Bieber. I just hate this guy. Yeah. I thought that was kind of nice. He could have brought everybody in, but he just. Yeah, he focused. Laser focused on the dids. You know what really kind of sickened me about the whole ditty thing is his supposed boy, Biggie gets killed. He comes out at the VMA is doing I'll be missing you, just like dancing and shit. I'm like, dude, your boy dies. and you come on stage and you're just letting Sting sing

and then you're just going like this. He's a horrible dancer. Horrible dancer. The worst thing he did was a dancer. It was on par with the molestations. But the dancing, you're just like, can you imagine your boy dies and you fucking are dancing?

Well, he didn't care about the guy. Then when the guy died, he used it. It's my moment. It's my moment. Anyone who is that publicly mourning is full of shit. I know. And then he told me, Sally, told me, this is the craziest part

about did he did he did all this horrible shit and I'm sitting there going who has footage of all this how does he have all this filmed he's him on the phone with a cops him in a hotel room all this crazy shit turns out he paid a guy to film him thinking this would be good yes yeah never paid the guy so the guy's like well I'll just give it to 50 cent then he's gonna pay me you never paid me fuck you wow so even in the payment he's a piece of shit well that's the other thing is like he bullied people on his team like these what do you do when you come up with these guys all what do you do with your crew you take care of them Yes.

He didn't even do that. Right. You're going to be a piece of shit. And it's like all your boys are going to lay a little Gary gets to eat. We know that. He gets his food. But it's literally your fucking boys and you're not. So who do you think's protecting you?

I know. Your own boys are getting fucked over by you. Yeah. He did that thing with the one guy with the dreads, super dumb. Kirk, Kirk something, Burroughs. Yeah. And he's like, give me your 25%. I know.

He just gave it to him. I know. Because they were scared. They were scared. And he's like, you'll get it back. Of course he didn't Horrible Yeah

Bad guy all around Not one redeeming He was a good promoter Yeah I guess the parties Were maybe fun It is weird when you see those pictures though Of those young ass people

At the parties I know Like that's gotta be fucking There's gotta be some A lot of dark shit We don't know about There was a bad Leo Shot in there too

I'm sure Leo was like Come on man What are you doing Give me out of that photo Yeah Yeah he had some rough And he would take Oh

Did he dies Did he pays for his own funeral, no. Biggie. Biggie pays for his own funeral. How crazy is that? He's like, I'm throwing him in the biggest funeral and then his family paid for it. Yeah. Crazy. Crazy. And then he fucked, he renegotiated the deal when Biggie when Biggie dies because he's like, oh, I don't have to take care of his estate or estate or whatever. I can just fuck him over. And he dated J-Lo.

Don't you want to go J-Lo? What the hell was that about? What did you like him? They didn't know. He was just famous at the time. He was famous. I think most people just didn't know. I think a lot of people find out someone's a piece of of shit like usually it's like 15 years later sure but he seems like such a dork like he's like come on with me follow daddy we're going through my studio and I'm like oh I hate this guy yeah he's just very dwee you know what it's like it's very cringy behavior yeah it was all cringy but people go you know what someone's got power people fucking go with it I know people are sheep like when he was getting going to the court all these people are outside with post

we love you ditty I'm like who likes ditty he's not a talented singer people do that shit for serial killers though that doesn't mean shit people are fucking dumb they're dumb they're women who are like I want to have your baby Charles Manson it's true of fame goes a long way people are so yeah that's the other thing yeah diddy and Ellen it's crazy to see Ellen interviewing someone and she's the nice one right right right so Ellen you think your staff was treated poorly ha ha you got to watch this duck yeah she came back to America did she yeah she moved back in Damn.

We got her back. Can we get Ellen on the show? Ooh. Ellen with fits. That'll be a good one. The final showdown. I hope she dances in. I'll be like,

I heard you're a cunt. Tell us everything. What does it say about dancers? Cosby too. People who are dancing. Cosby danced. Yeah. Dancing people.

In the intro. Damn. Yeah, you can't get mad at a dancing person. Like a dancing baby. Well, it's charm. It's bullshit. It's not real. People always say like, hey, Sam.

Why don't you dance? Maybe I'm not a fucking predator. Oh. You ever think about that? You're right. The dancing. Yeah. We got to look at that Friends cast.

They might be next. Oh. They love dancing. They were all over that fountain. Yeah. That wasn't water in that fountain. That was baby oil. Wow.

Yeah. Look at Caz. Damn, dude. Keep your eye out for dancers. That was a crazy, crazy doc. I mean, yeah. By the fourth step, though, you're just like, It is weird because you love the rise.

And look, I get it. I do. But I was just like Jones and for the, let's see the bad shit. Uh-huh. But yeah, it is crazy to take you back. Like, man, this guy takes you back to that 90s rap shit. You've seen the Tupac biggie shit in so many docs. That's the only thing.

But I'd never heard the angle of did he got him killed. I know. And 50s have been sitting on that. He's worked on this for two years, he said. And he's been waiting. And he's so, he's the ultimate hater. He did an ABC interview and they're like, why did you do ABC? goes because it's the only one that plays in prison.

Yeah. So I want Diddy to see it. So you're like, damn, this guy's on another level. Yeah. Well, he won. And he ate Zoran. 50 cents. Yeah.

He came out publicly. He's like, ah, this is crazy. What, uh, damn. So that's, are you wrecking that? That's a wreck for you? Uh, yeah, I guess that's, really the only thing I've been able to see it, but on the road so much. I'm doing this thing where I'm just grinding like crazy till the holiday.

Then I'm done. Yeah, yeah. to get new shit? Get new shit, make a couple bucks, you know, then the holiday I'll take like two weeks off. Yeah, I'm kind of at that point when I'm taking some time off now. I'll kick it back up hard in January,

but I mean, I'm still doing sets around town, but I'm just fucking, I'm gas, dude. Oh, yeah, gas digital. I'm wiped. Skank Fest, fucked it all up. Oh, wait, I can't say that. What? Well, you're not going to believe who donated to Skankfest.

Who? Joe, let's put out a, hey, I'm doing a Skankfest doc. If you'd like to donate, hit me up. You'll never guess who donated. Take, take, I'll give me three guesses. Did he? A comedian.

Who is it? Three guesses. Seinfeld. That's one. Really? It's a good guess, but no. Gaffigan. Two, no.

Is it someone who's done it? No. Go nuts. Get way out there. Louis. A comic you wouldn't expect. Oh, wow. Donating to the Skankfest doc.

What do they say? Oh, what did the list say? She just texted him. He was like, oh, my God, thank you. This is an honor. I appreciate it. Wow. That was it.

She gave me a call after Carnegie. Oh, all right. She's aware of everything. Yeah, it's very nice call. Speaking of Jerry, though, at one last week, and he gave us his peeves, but we didn't get a chance to get to them. I thought it would be only right to just. And I got actually a lot of peeves, dude. I got two peeves.

Yeah. Oh, wow. So this is Jerry. This is Jerry's. So pet peeves being in anyone's way, it's a great peeve. And by the way, can I tell a quick story? that happened to Gary and I on our flight to Reno. So I made the mistake.

Look, it was a little money grab, Reno Casino, but it was also, you know, great shows. I love the crowds. But, you know, I don't want to normally fly a connect flight on Thanksgiving weekend because you just know. You know you're fucked. Oh, yeah.

So we connect in Denver on the way there. There's a little bit of a layover. We have, you know, I have a couple drinks at the bar. We're watching the Knicks game. And then I was like, all right, let's get on this flight. So we get on the flight We're sitting there for a while We're like, this is weird

Deplane Fuck All right So we're deep We have to deboard Everyone And it's not like It's a connection

So what do you do When you deplane You get out in order Right There's this dad and his son Who are being fucking assholes And they're pushing people Out of the way

Trying to get out first And they're from a few rows back And we're just like What the hell's with these people So I see the kid And I go fuck this kid I'm boxing his ass out So I get in fun

him I box him out And Gary's like good How was a kid Probably 15 would be my guess. Oh, okay, so he's... Old enough to know better, too young to fuck. Depends on the island. Depends.

Yeah, or the flight. So I box him out, and then Gary tries to get in. He gets ahead of Gary. Gary's annoyed. So the dad tries to nudge Gary out, and Gary's pissed. And Gary goes, do you mind? I'm trying to get my bag. And he goes, he goes, oh, yeah, Mr. Big shot.

So I'm like, ooh, this guy's a dick. No one's called Gary Big. Big. Yeah, he loved it. Yeah. So then I turn around, and I didn't notice how bad it got. Gary, the guy goes, what did you call me? That's when I hear it.

I turn around, I go what? And Gary goes, Dickhead. Gary calls the guy a dickhead in front of his child. And everyone hates this guy, by the way, because he was being a bully. Yes. And Gary, you know, tiny dude, but he's got triceps, dude. This guy's, and he played hockey. He's not scared.

He's Long Island. And I think two on two we're cooking these guys. We're fucking, you know. 15 year old. Yeah, one of them 15. I'll take that kid out easy. Gary, you can worry about the dad. He had a few inches on Gary.

I heard he was about six, three. But everyone's got a few inches on Gary. That's true. But then so it keeps, and then the guy keeps turning around, he goes, you're going to stop? And Gary goes, you're going to stop turning around? And then I go to Gary, I go, there's two of us to, you know, get him amped up, like just in case. And then this guy behind us goes, they're three. And I was like, hell, motherfucking, yes, let's ride.

So everyone's on our side. Everyone hates him. And then this guy's talking shit. And as we get off, a flight attendant, it was like, can we take a photo together? So I'm like, ooh, everyone in this fucking gate is on our side. Yes. The dad and the son had to fucking go away. Whoa.

And they took a little walkage. And they came back on and we got back on. But I was like, yeah, fuck these guys. Wow. And those were Somali terrorists. They were. I didn't want to say. It's like when you turn on a heckler and then the whole crowd is like, fuck this guy.

Exactly. It was pretty satisfying. Wow. We had everyone in the whole area on our side and everyone loved Gary for talking shit because that's the New York and Gary. He will not fucking, he won't let it go. He's publicly done this shit a lot.

And there's a part of me that's like, should I tell him to dial it back as a friend? But you know, you're just like, now let's see how far he takes it. Man, imagine if you got into like a United flight video. You see those all the time. All I was thinking was if we get into a fight, we ain't get into the gig.

There's not a lot of flights to read. know we're in a connect flight we were just looking in case because we were like what do we do if this flight doesn't take off after you d board there was nothing so we're like so if this doesn't take off even tomorrow because we got there a day early oh my I said even tomorrow there's nothing so I said I guess we're driving from Denver I don't even know like we didn't really have hours I was like maybe we fly to yeah we didn't it was a it was we were fucked no matter what so wow we got lucky but but was the guy who said and me was he a fan or is he

I think he was just a dude. I think he was a dude who just saw what we were doing. Whoa. And was on board with the message. Just a real cowboy. Yeah. And we, oh, yeah, so we were fucked.

I mean, we weren't making it, basically. Holy moly. And then on the flight back, it just got canceled. So we got fucked on the way back, too. So, you know, holiday travel's tough. Got anyone doing that. My heart's out to you. It's a nightmare.

Then you get to the show, that guy's front row with the kid. Wow. Wow. Yeah. I've always said Gary Quartz. quietly the manliest guy I know. I won't go that far. He's tough, man.

He's tough, but he's... He's stoic. He's stoic. He holds it in until he doesn't have to. And he's got a lot of childhood rage. Yes, exactly. When you had a dad that bad, you're holding some shit in. But yeah, he was ready to go.

I was proud of him. Oh, man. Well, I've told you my Gary's story. Which one? One time, me and him took a cab from like, I don't know, the seller to New York Comedy Club on Four Street. It's like a $10 cab ride. Gary's paying with his credit card, puts the tip in.

wanted to give the guy a dollar, he gave him $100. And the guy's, and he's like, oh, I actually gave you $100. It's supposed to be a buck. And the guy goes, I don't know how to change it, man. Sorry, he's like, yeah, you do. This is like a horror story for Jews. It was hell. Yeah.

And the guy's like, get out of my car, man. I don't know how to change it. Gary's like, I'm not getting out. You're going to miss your all the fares tonight because I will sit in this car all fucking night. And I'm like, Gary, I got to go. I got to go on. He's like, you can go on.

I'll be here. And I'm like, I don't want to leave me. He's like, just leave me. I'll sit here. So I do a set. I come back. He's still in the car. Wow.

And I sit back in the car with him because I want to watch. And he's like, you know what you're fucking doing. Fuck you. I know you can change you a piece of shit. And he's like, yelling through the glass. And the guy's like, I can't change it, man. He keeps sitting there. Two hours go by.

The guy was like, all right. And he changed this. Wow. Yeah. So Gary's like, I told you. I knew it. And he like spit on the car. It's the only time Gary's ever done an hour.

I can haggle, my friend. So, yeah. Yeah, Gary's tough. Yeah, check out Gary's amazing podcast, number one dad. It is unbelievable. It's done like a 30 for 30. It's like documentary style. I love it.

Really good, yeah. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I got, let's do some more peeps from Jerry here. Doing something without a thought or plan as well as it. Oh, we talked about pet pee, but yeah, doing something without a thought or plan. That's an interesting one. That makes sense. He's very regimented.

Yes, boy, is he? Everything about him, yeah. We're waking up at 10, then we're going to breakfast at 11, then a movie at 10. 1230 like he's all in on that i don't i don't hate that i don't hate it either yeah but i like that too because you ever had a group i just had my nieces here my dad my mom my brother and just like what are we doing today and they're like i don't know what do you want to do what do you want to do and we're just sitting there for like 35 minutes and then eventually someone's like let's go to the park and they're like i don't want to go to the park you're like all right so we'll just sit here

we end up watching how to train a dragon well everyone thinks that they're being nice when they give when they offer no opinion but you're slowing everything down i need to opinion. I can eat anything. Well, I can eat anything too. Right. Well, I can eat anything through it. And you're like, all right, well, just fucking give me something. Your whole family stays in eating your ass. You're like, this was a fucking bad night. Yeah. And then I'm like, okay, what do you want to eat? I don't care. All right, let's go get Thai food. I don't like Thai food. So you do care. So now we're here and we're doing this shit. Exactly. Jerry wrecks the Beatles, which you know what? I think they're going to be all right with that, Jerry. I don't know. But you know what? They are incredible. But the Beatles like Seinfeld. It's like one of those things like, you watch the show and I said this to him, but it's like, you're like, fuck, that premise has been done. I know.

Because sometimes I'll forget and I haven't seen the episode in a while, I'm like, oh, they should go this way. And they do go that way. Yeah. And I'm like, they got everything. They did. They hit everything. You just say the Beatles are like Seinfeld? The show Seinfeld.

You're totally right. Because it's like the Beatles, where you think of a song, you're like, the Beatles did it. Right. The show Seinfeld, the same shit. Oh, thank you. That's a great call, yeah. Yeah. And then what's the Stones?

Maybe... Something a little harder, Reggie. Maybe Curb. Yeah. Curb could be the Stones. Okay. Yeah. Interesting.

Interesting. Yeah. Peter Sellers. I mean, we've talked about this movie that you wrecked to me. Being there. Amazing. Amazing movie. I brought up to him.

He didn't love it. To me? No, I brought up to him. He doesn't love it? He was like, I get it's a good premise, but I feel like it's not using sellers to his abilities. It's kind of like having Jim Carrey play a waiter or something. It was serious. But I like when Jim Carrey is.

serious you like the majestic I didn't see that one I like him in Truman Show was fun eternal sunshine yeah well they're not all going to be winners same with Robin Williams him in goodwill is fun you never see wait until dark

what's that always is in it I'm recommending this to you is it good it's so fucking good is this Audrey Hepburn where she's blind yes great movie and Peter Sellers plays the heavy no shit Alan Arkin's the bad guy oh my god am I wrong huh Dallas is in this, right?

I don't know about that. Click on that fucking Rotten Tomatoes. It's Alan Arkin. Thank you. Anyway, watch this movie. That's good. Dude, I got another movie I'd never seen. I don't know if you guys have seen the four-hour version of Once Upon a Time in America?

No. Holy shit. Wait, James Woods? Yeah. Amazing. De Niro. I've seen it. It's kind of got that like Mahal and Drive thing where it's, you're like, is this real?

Is it not real? There's guilt. There's drugs. Like opium. You don't know who to trust. It's so long. Yeah. It's fucking, but I wrecked it to my buddy, and he was like, man, this is crazy.

It's, it is one of the most gorgeous looking movies I've ever seen. Yeah. Like every, I mean, it's New York looking as gorgeous as it could, the bridge and, you know. Totally. And it's old New York. Old New York. It's like Chinatown was Chinatown. I wish you got a little more of peshy.

Look at that. Yeah. I mean, look at those shots. It's fucking gorgeous. Is that where they fuck the girl on the roof? Yeah. She shows the puss. Yeah.

There's some fucked up rape scenes in it. It's a wild movie. Yeah. Remember the lady comes in and looks at all their dicks? Yes. Yeah. That's my nightmare. Oh, yeah. It's cold in here.

What are we doing? She walks by all of us. She's like, you know what? None of them are going to do. That scene with comedians. Right. This is why we're comedians. Dude, yeah, there's so many good scenes.

But, yeah, there's a couple of rape scenes in it. We were like, holy fucking shit. Yeah, it's heavy. This is dark. It's rare to see a movie where the main character rapes. I got to rewatch this It's so, remember the Yeah, I don't know

I don't want to give it away Yeah, maybe, maybe not Maybe cut that part It's open ended, I'll just say that But yeah, no, it's interesting man I was Sergio Leone Yeah, it's rare that I can watch a movie

That long and be like, okay, I'm hanging It's not, it wasn't boring No, no, it's great, it's great And it looks great And it's, and dude, the The score by Ennio Morricone is that how you say his name god damn yeah it's so good and the kids to me are the best part when they're kids I know because there's something about a coming of age yes gangster thing

where they're still fucking like you think they'd have some code because they came up together right but they'll still fuck each other over 100% that's the crazy part of me is you see the purity of being kids and you're she even says to him when he's a kid she's like yeah like I could love you but you're a two bit fucking hood yeah your scum basically and she could see it out of a child right which is crazy but i guess that's what you see like i've seen those kids where i'm like oh that kid's a fucking problem oh yeah oh yeah he's talking about my kid yeah he's going to be he's going to be trouble the word is accident now but yeah yeah that oh what are you doing what is this it's not the christmas episode so it's not the christmas episode but i'll take it's the hannah

it's uh it's for the studio it's a picture your child naked mark Holy shit. So we all know this part of the Sopranos. I knew it was going to be something gay. No one knew. I knew it was going to be some kind of gay joke. That's good stuff. I got not gay, but...

Yeah, signed. Unreep. Holy shit. You reap with you so. God. So gay and pito, which is pretty unbranded with the podcast. I have to say. say well done so i'd rather be a pito there you go look at that good he's our guest

poor guys in jail right now like what the fuck is he in jail i assume child porn yeah that's a bad one it'll do it um damn john reap that's fucking weird call him john creep was the headline was it yeah of course it's too easy a name it's like if your last name is tape date tape tape what is it Survivor okay

Dude that's I got some other pee I wrote it down A bunch of peeves if you guys I got a weird peeve Please hit me Okay This is this was a little

Outside the box Okay So was this guy Okay You ever have the guy Who's talking about something And you have to pull information Out of him

He's telling you a story But you're pulling information And you're not even into it. And I'm not even into it. But you have to just get it over with. Yeah. I was talking to a comic and he's like, yeah, I was like, how was your weekend? He's like, good, did some show in Denver.

I'm like, oh, how was the show? That was good. Guy had a heart attack in the front row. I'm like, what? What? He died. I'm like, what? What?

The guy died? He's like, yeah, he died. I'm like, why don't you go? I did a show this weekend. A guy had a heart attack and died. Yeah. I had to ask him 17 questions to get to the death of the guy. It's like, you know what it is?

it's like you're doing the opposite of clickbait. Yeah. Like, that should be the headline. Right. Why am I having to click on the article to fucking... Exactly. He's like, edging me. I'm like, oh, I'm almost there.

What else? He's like, give me increments of the story. I'm like, you should be telling me this. Why am I? So if I hadn't asked, I would know a guy died. It's insane. Yeah, I hate that shit. Yeah, so we...

But talking to him is always like that. So it's very frustrating. Do I know this guy? I'm sure you do. I'll tell you later. But, and I made up the guy dying story, but that's the that's the order yeah I got a few man I got um a lot okay great one is you guys won't relate because you're all fucking in relationships but dating profiles that are

like artsy so it's like you know like one picture like three pictures of her in sunglasses a picture of fetichini a fucking sunset I'm like I'm just trying to figure out what you look like here oh yeah what's with all the artsy shit here I hate that that's pretentious shit shit. Like, let me show you how cultured I am. Like, I just want to see your ass. I'm sorry. I'm trying to go on a date with you, not a fucking sunset. What do we do? Yeah, I can see my own sunset. And here's another one with the same one. A date and that peeve, they're like all the pictures. They have like an artsy job and they're all at work. It'll be like a ballerina

and every, but she's like a ballerina in every picture. I'm like, is this all you do? I guess so. You only do ballet? Huh. Well, like, I'm not all my pictures are going to be on stage. Oh, all mine were. Really? My tinder was me with Conan, me with Fallon, me with Colbert, me with Cornyn. I think I did the same thing for a while. Hey, I'm not trying to get married here. These are our tints. Conan is my tits.

Yeah, success for a man is they're hot. Exactly. Yeah. And I'd get great mess. Like, what are you doing on here? You should be taken. And I'm like, I'm still a piece of shit. I'm still a five ten.

Mine were all like, you photoshopped all these. You're full of shit. Oh, yeah. Center the link. Yeah. Or the, or the, I get that a lot. This is another one I get would be like, yeah, I don't see a lot of long-term potential here. And I'm like, I'm just trying to see you naked.

I know. You read me right, what are we doing here? What's going on? Exactly. Yeah, you're right. She did read me right. You know, it was also weird with those dating apps back in my day. It would be like her with three girlfriends.

And I'm like, why would you put yourself in a picture with hotter friends? John Fish had a great joke about that. Oh, okay. It would be a girl and he'd become the one on the right. He goes, who's the one on the left? Exactly. Great bit. Put yourself with a salacute.

Peter's, you know, mix it up. Look good. All my photos are with me, Joe List, and Sean Murphy. Okay. It's me, Jeff Ross. I'm trying to think of ugly people. I got another peeve. Tall sandwiches.

Oh, good one. I hate a tall sandwich. Like a cat's deli. No, Tats is the one exception because it's so fucking good. And it's like their thing. but like and it's also not that messy cats tall it's like dude guess what my mouth doesn't go open to here

what are we doing exactly you're creating a mess the burgers they get the big burgers like that too I don't yeah I'm not I like you can go horizontal why aren't we going horizontal with this good point it's like they're building Manhattan skyscraper give me a ranch house like look at that that's a nightmare to eat nightmare you're just thinking of the fucking mess I can't eat this you know without looking like a pig

No, no, you never order a sandwich on a date Because there's a lot of like, oh, the tomato falls out You got mayo over here And bacon's up your ass You gotta go Or soup, don't get soup on a date either Yeah, it's just not a manly thing to get But I fucking love soup

I do too Soup! But it gets everywhere Soup gets you through New York winters, man Oh yeah It's 20 degrees out I get myself a fucking split pee I have myself a day Ooh yeah

Give me some soups What's your go to? I mean I love a mushroom barley I love a mushroom barley I love chicken and rice Best mushroom barley Great mushroom barley. A Veselka?

Yeah, so good. I love vegetable beef. I love a gumbo. I love a juli. A borsh. Oh, I love the cellar borsh. The cellar borsh. I love that borsh.

It's supposed to be cold, but they go hot. I like it hot better. It should be hot. I've literally seen Mark eat other people's borsh. He'll do a set, come upstairs, see someone left their borsh. It's so intimate a borsh. And he'll just sit there and eat it. Oh, yeah.

Soup should not be shared. No, no. But it should not be wasted. the shortest poem of all time hold on what was your first peep before tall sandwiches uh the bad dating profiles oh the bad dating yeah damn i had something on that it's gone yeah oh shit sorry i got a ton of peeves keep keep going because your pews make me think of my

peeves all right i got one uh oh this is a real one when the browser glitches and moves down and you click the wrong thing that happens all the time like you'll just like click on it and then it'll like pokes up, and you're like, oh, I've clicked the wrong fucking thing. Oh, like an ad or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's annoying. That fucking annoys me. And then this is another one to go off that is when they tell you to,

like, just fill in with a strong password. So you use their strong password instead of one you came up with. And then it doesn't let you in. It doesn't remember. I'm like, this was your idea. Right. You told me to do this and it's not fucking working? That shit drives me bananas.

I go crazy. Yeah. I had to do a contract today. It took me like fucking seven minutes because I wouldn't remember. And I'm like, this should take 30 seconds. Yeah, I have one password. If you figure out my one pat, you can get into my birth certificate, my ass, everything. Anal cavity 47 with an exclamation point.

Yeah, it's bad. I've got the same thing for every app because I can't do it. I've had too many like, nope, wrong, not strong enough. Yeah, but then here's what happens. One, they're like, you get logged out somehow and then you're like fucked forever. Yeah, yeah. Because it makes me crazy. You know, it's the worst.

Now, this is a deep, deep dive shit. I go into an app and they go. your password is wrong make a new password I go okay I'll reset I put the new password and they go you can't reuse a password I hate that one I'm like you made me change it

and now you're saying the other one was wrong but then you're saying it was the same one which one is it? It's fucking annoying drives me nuts drives me nuts it's something there I mean I got plenty dude I can keep going

please let's see what else we got Gaffin has a great bit about the weak password what is it has a good I can't remember, but it's like 10 minutes long. It's incredible. Every fucking bit of his. He stretches every ounce of fat. So good.

Damn. Let me see. Ooh, here's one. It was raining really hard the other day. So, you know, I'm just waiting to get a cab. I was trying to get somewhere. But I was like, I was going to walk, but I forgot an umbrella. I'm like, wait for a cab.

And this person pulls up in front of me, finally see one. It pulls right in front of my building. So I'm like, perfect. And she took forever. to get out just forever I'm like what is she doing oh and then I'm like fuck is she crippled am I being insensitive you don't want to be a prick and then she got out and she was just inconsiderate she was in perfect health and I was happy she was because my anger was justified yes you ever had that where you're like oh good

it's well also good that you're not handicapped right but also good that I get to be like what the fuck yeah he goes I'm sorry I'm like all right but that was like a hot five minutes she was just like checking her phone like what do we five minutes I was under I was under an audience but I'm like, come on. It was a cab? It was her and the cab. I don't know what she was doing to that.

Maybe she was having some credit card trouble. No, she was on her fucking phone. Oh, okay. Wow. It was paid for. Damn, that's crazy. That was a peeve. Inconsiderate is a huge peeve.

Inconsider is bad. And this city's full of, it's the loud guy on the phone. It's the speaker guy. The speaker guy. The yelling guy. Yeah, there's so much of that. Inconsiderate is one of the worst qualities. I know.

Joe had a, I don't want to give away his show. we had an idea for a show called Inconsider Nation. And it was about all the people you see on the subway with a booming boombox. You get to go up and go, all right, sir, will you talk to us and tell us, like, how do you? And like a little courtroom would set up. Like, don't you feel like other people don't want to hear this? The boombox. This sounds like this is about a certain race.

This is more like birth of a nation than Inconsider Nation. If your brain went somewhere, that's on you. But it's a fun show. Like, oh, you got eight bags on the seat. Let's talk to you. sir, why do you feel this is okay? Interesting. It's a funny idea.

But that guy's going to kick your ass. One of those guys will kick your ass because they're clearly, some of these people were just crazy. Exactly. I was on the train last night and there was a guy who was just clearly, he was just like going nuts. Yeah. And you're like, oh, it's like, here's a good thing about crazy people in New York.

It's like a bomb. You see the explosion coming a few minutes away. So you're like, oh, he's muttering saying awful shit. Yeah. There will, and I saw him explode. I saw all these people run off and I was like, I got to have a couple minutes early. Yeah. I knew to go to the other train, but...

Smart. And then people go, everybody in New York just stands there and does nothing. It's like, A, it's because it happens twice a minute, twice a day. And two, he's crazy. What am I going to do? Go, sir, you're being inappropriate. He's not going to go, you got it. Sorry about that.

I had a moment. No, he's going to stab you. Exactly. Oh, man, I was with a New Yorker once, and he talked shit to a crazy guy. I go, what is it, your fucking first day? You don't talk shit. They're insane. They're insane.

They're insane. I said dickhead. It was Steve Faber. Cam from the cellar outside Steve. If you go to the cellar. He's a firecracker, but he talks shit to a crazy guy. And he goes, that's what you do. I go, that's not what you fucking do.

You let him walk by. You think they're picking up on your sarcasm? Right, right. It's like when I've got the CD off that guy and you're like, what are you doing? Yeah. Oh, yeah. What do you do then? Then a guy walked by and he goes, I got CDs.

I got C was giving out CDs. And I was like, I didn't want it CD, but I was like trying to get rid of the guy. So I was like, all right, I'll take a CD and he goes, let me sign it for you. No, that's fucking amateur. And then he signed it and I took it and he goes, that's 50 bucks. I go, I don't want the CD. I told him like, no, no. It was like in slow motion.

I was like, don't dig it. Yeah, yeah. He's trying to scam you. I was trying to get away from the guy. So I was like, yeah, give me the CD so I can keep walking. But yeah, I fucked up. You can't. Yeah, that's the oldest trick in the book.

Day one. The scams. That's New Orleans. I bet I can tell you where you got your shoes. Yeah. On your feet. Then you got old guy five bucks. You're like, that wasn't worth $5.

I know. He's like, sure it was. It works, though. had a bed at breakfast. Ooh. Yeah. Now, I want to hear what you guys think of this. So we're debating on the pancake or the waffle, the world's ultimate question.

Which is better? No, no, which we should get. Like, we always get. Which is better. Well, what's the bet? So the bet is better first. So we're deciding on, should we get a pancake or what's better? And then I go, well, it's the same batter.

And he's like, no, it's not. They're different things. And he's like, a waffle tastes better. But a pancake, get more of them. And I said, yeah, but it's the same. liquid that's just heated up and he was like that's crazy what you guys think first off it depends on where you are because certain places do one better than the other like standard diner standard diner I'm always going pancakes but what what are they the bet is are they

made of the same thing or not is it the same batter I think so I mean what is pancake better slightly different I don't know interesting Peters you're an ex-fat he says saying ex-fat yeah I think it's texture I do think it's the same thing so we asked the way She said it's the same stuff back in the kitchen. Oh, yeah. You owe me money, by the way. So it's shape. Okay.

So it's shape. It's a different shape. That's it. Yeah, I mean. The waffle's way better anyway. It's crispier. It's got the syrup trap. But a pancake's got a, sure of say quah.

Well, we do, usually when we were on tour, we do, you know, we all get eggs and then we do pancake for the table. That's what we do. I like a pancake for the table. No waffle? Sometimes you do a waffle, too. Sometimes you mix it up. We, someone, Veter, is such a food cunt that he say, what do you know for? for and half the time they're like what do you do gives a shit but he hits him with the what

are you known for and i will say there's a diner in portland that's the best waffle i've ever had sometimes you get a real crispy i love a thin waffle i love a thin anything sure like a like a thin crust pizza i always go thin i always want the crisp i always want the yeah good point not a producer but yeah no thin is better you're right now i can't laugh without hearing adam ray do my laugh Hold on a second. God damn. They fucking nailed us, dude. They killed it.

All right. It is flattering, though, when it's two people who are that funny, just nailing you. Nailing it. And they're very talented. I could never do this in a million years. Oh, yeah. Any harder, deeper. What are you going to do?

Oh, my God. Oh, God. Wow, that must listen, a lot of hours to get that. Oh, this is crazy because I was in New York. That's no good. It's close. He's got to go a little deeper. Yeah, but he's like out the side of the mouth.

He's going like a cliche New York guy. Accents wrong. Yeah, but I see where he's going for and I think he could figure it out. But it's so funny, I was texting with Adam Ray before I saw it, like a couple days before I saw this. And he actually told me he's like, you know, I listen to you and Mark's pod all the time. Wow. And then I saw that. I was like, holy shit.

Some of the people just say stuff. Yeah. But I was like, oh, no, he listens. That's insane. I say that to people all the time. Oh, big fan of fun. I love Comtown. I've never heard of it.

So at the end of this, he has a Rogan. I don't know if you heard this. The Rogan laugh is spot on. All right, let's hear it. Let this rock. My same is a little dog. It used to be Nicker Bacher. That's good.

Oh, my God. We should call him Nick U.Bocker. God damn. Oh, heads up. I can do laughs of like, I can do a Sam Rilluff. I can do a Rogan laugh, ready? do Rogan Wow

Yeah He's good Has Joe seen this This is really funny I'm sure he has yeah Or as you sling a joke We are at the comic store We are crushing

Oh wow That's great Oh my god He goes back and away Yeah His laugh is infectious But that's all I can His voice is really specific

It's kind of Normandy Damn that is Wow That is impressive Very good Very talented couple of guys right here And you know what's impressive about both of them is they don't really use it in their act.

It's like soda, like soda can just break into any impression, but he doesn't because he's aware. It's like the Jim Carrey thing back in the day. He was doing impressions, and then he did better when he was just him. Right. But I always admire people who have that ability and then don't even feel the need to use it. Do you think that's innate with the impressions? I think a little bit, but I think you got like a bit you got to work on it. You got to hone it.

Because you could see he doesn't quite have my voice down yet. So he's clearly worked on the laugh. But I wonder how do they do. Do you think they record it? And they're like, that was close. I wonder. I think they have an ear. I think they go,

oh, that's out of right when I did that. God, it's fucking impressive. And then, you know, it's the weird thing is when people go, does that piss you off? Is that by the, I'm like, no, it's flattering as hell. They took the time to do me. They do it well. I love it.

The first time I saw it, I forgot who sent it to me. It might have been one of you guys, but I was laughing my ass off. Yeah, same. I laughed out loud. I was like, I can't. I did my dumb fucking laugh. out loud it elicited the laugh he was doing yeah so so I did a bad friends on Saturday or Friday and I was like Santino do it to me and that's really

Erie when he's like in your in front of you doing you and you're like you're responding and then he repeats the response and you're like it's like the spider man meme whoa I don't know who's who holy shit it was crazy it is a it is a talent dude yeah really is I mean very cool when I'm with Mark on the street often people don't recognize him right away because he looks you know like a regular guy but when he's talking people were like I heard your voice is that you right so like the voice is almost more distinct than you yeah this voice has got me nothing my whole life it was a made fun of you know women hated it whatever and then all the

sudden it works with comedy but distinct can be good I mean look at Owen Wilson's nose true good point Jennifer Gray changes her nose her all career's gone yeah I mean she was cute with the nose yeah I like the hunker you love a big honk I do like a schnaz. You do. I like a beak. You do? Yeah.

What do you think that is? I don't know. I think it gives your face something. Like, to be like a Heidi Kloom is almost boring. Yeah, it's almost like when everything is perfect, it's less memorable. Yeah, yeah. It adds a little character. Definitely.

Like, oh, yeah, these are, these are hot. There was a woman in the show, boys. You ever watched the show Boys with the superheroes? The Boys. The Boys, sorry. Yeah. Boys was a different. That was on the worst channel.

I think Kevin Spacey's in that But yeah I was waiting Yeah there it is But there was a super villain In the movie or the show I love that we were like Every week

We're like can we get Kevin Spacey on Every week He listens to one clip Yeah Yeah He's like can these guys stop Call me a pedophile That's her

We got one with Jerry With Kevin Spacey There it was Claire They called me a pedophile Oh Wait that's not of her No I'm talking a fucking

Crazy big old beak All right. She was in the show, boys, but I couldn't, that's her. I couldn't take my eyes off her because her hawker was so big. Let me see. Which one? She's got to be Middle Eastern or something. Oh, okay, got it. Give me an image.

Claudia Dumas. Very attractive woman. But that schnaz was distracting me from the show. Oh, yeah, she is attractive, for sure. Yeah, that mugshot definitely one angle is definitely standing out. They know what they're doing. Come on, lady. He turned sideways.

So you like a kind of a Middle Eastern look, too, or is it just the... Oh, yeah, the Persian. Persian is like the number one to me. Really? Oh, yeah, Israeli, that whole world. Nice. Yeah, all the war-torn, you know, have to go to fight. Because they're tougher women, too.

Yeah, maybe that's so... They might dominate you a little bit, too. Yeah, maybe. Give me some Iron Dome. Speaking of Dominate... Look at that thing. Jesus Christ. Peters, can we talk about what you text us about?

Sure. I mean, Peter's just brought it up that he used to go to swingers parties I know. And I was like, what? Casually, in a one text. Yeah, my ex-wife was a little bit of a freak so it started, it was towards the end of our marriage, obviously.

Yeah, that doesn't pop up in week one. No, they got married at 18. She was 18, I was 20, 23. And was this in Rochester? Yeah, yeah. So these are some rough-looking swingers parties. Oh, yeah. This was in the back of a.

Buffalo Wild Wings. No, no, no. So we were a little bored, so we decided to kind of open it up. We only had one threesome together. Ooh. But most of the stuff was her fucking other guys. It was with a chick? Yeah.

All right. How'd you find her? Craigslist. Oh! Right? Mama. That's old. I mean, you can't even do that anymore, can you?

Didn't they shut that down? I think so, yeah, because it was getting wild. Casual encounters is down. Damn. Do you know that? Don't worry about it. What's the process of getting... getting so do you do like a submission process you're reaching out or people are

is it like booking for the show on Craigslist yeah people would post we're trying to get she would post on Craigslist yeah you post on Craigslist and be like we're looking for a third and that's what you did yeah wow and you look at photos and vet yeah oh boy so you were like I'm on board what do you think yeah basically wow damn who are these women just signing up for threesomes I'm asking yeah I would like to know She was all right The first reason we only did oral stuff And then after that was

How long does it last? I think she was there for like an hour She came over Wow Do you pay her? No Okay So you guys are fooling around

Is it over when you finish Or do they keep going at it? Well with the swingers party There was a lot of guys So she kept going for a while That's a bummer Because you're looking at that through clear eyes Yeah yeah

You come and then you're like Oh shit She gets to keep going It's like when you're at the arcade with a friend and you run out of tokens. He gets to keep playing. Right, right. Now he's just hitting the joystick, but not the moving. We've all done that a Simpsons game.

Maybe something will happen. Yeah, but one of my vivid memories is just hearing the sound of ass cheeks clapping from the other room and knowing a guy's railing my wife, ex-wife. Do you ever hear the same Kinnisone's story about him? He swapped, apparently, with... a friend and he's fucking the guy's wife and he comes instantly and then just have to listen to his wife get railed for like hours.

Oh, God. I'm such an asshole. I bitch about my wife like leaving her bra everywhere and then this is guys getting his ass clapped. That's crazy. So did you have any regrets after that? Or were you like, how long after the threesome proposal were you like, this isn't working?

We kept looking for more people. I mean, we were both emotionally out of the relationship, I think. But you're such a normal, stand-up normal guy. It's so weird that you had that's your past. So she had a fetish that I was not into, and so that kind of like opened the door because she wanted to do it,

and I was like, I don't want to do that. Which is? It's called CBT. CBT. It stands for cockball torture. Ooh. Literally tying your balls up and hitting them with stuff. Oh, my gosh.

What the fuck? She wanted to do it to me. What is she in ISIS? We did do it once, and I said, I'm not interested in it. Oh my god, no, don't get rid of that shit. Oh, God. She wanted to go Guantanamo in your nutsack?

Jesus. I know, right? How is that a fetish? That's like torture shit. I mean, it's a fetid. That's what some people are into that shit, clearly. I know she into it. Yeah, yeah.

He's supposed to be in that. I need to be the one to be tied up, yeah. That's like going, ah, I like hitting a woman in the eye. I'm not a wife beat her, it's a fetish. You're right, it is torture. It's torture, yeah. You're just a violent person. Yeah, I guess some women might be in abuse.

Yes. But it is torture. That's torture. That's crazy. Damn. Oh, I like beating up kids. What? That's a fetish.

Some kids like it. It's crazy. That's not a fetish. That's crazy. So did you have anything that you were into that she wasn't or no? She was not into facials. Yeah. All right.

I mean, how could she not be? A facial seemed so prude after what we just saw. Jesus. I got to find a girl to give a facial to and she got to find a guy to beat up. So, that was the name swapping. That is hilarious that you just like joyfully come on a woman and then the other room you hear a guy like, no, please, fuck. Yeah, that's kind of good news.

If she wants to have a threesome with a guy, you're like, come on over, buddy. Get your balls ready to. Yeah, there was usually not sex for them. It was usually just tying them up and hitting them for a while. Did you ever ask why she was into this? I did not. I mean, she had some dad issues. You don't say.

I do, too. I don't like getting fucking torture. So, how far into the relationship did she reveal this fetish to you? Because that's probably a tough one for her to bring up. Yeah, sure. That was pretty early, maybe a year-ish in. Oh, wow. Yeah.

I'm proudy for doing it once. I mean, just the word ball torture, I'd be like, I'm going to skip this. Actually, no, I think she brought it up very early because we were, like, texting and stuff first. That's one that should be in your dating profile. Yeah. I don't want to find that out in four weeks after I like you. Right. The way I found out about it, now I remember, is that she said, send me a picture of your dick with a Q-tip inside it.

Oh, you did it? No. Okay. My dick just shrunk inside my body. Bring up these pictures. She liked sounding? No, no, no. I don't want to see this shit.

Sounding? Yeah. I don't want to ruin the surprise. Oh, no. I'm scared. Oh, no. It's putting things inside your, you're, I don't want to see this. I don't want to see it.

Wait, that's a chick. Oh, my. God, what are we doing? How was it going to sounding? And how did she bring it up? Was she at all embarrassed to bring it up, or was she like, this is just something I like? Oh, she was pretty open about it.

Yeah. Brother. All right. I love being into something insane, and then just being like, honey, you know, it would be fun. Yeah. We stuck a gerbil up your ass, and you're just like, hmm. Oh.

I just think, yeah, what the fuck, dude. Sounding. Were you freaked out by the parties at all? Because I can only imagine going to a party like this. At one point, maybe you're excited or maybe nervous at first. But after you're not, you've got to be like, what the, because I feel like shame, just jerking off. Right. Just for like wasting time.

You know, like I can't imagine like at a party, you know. Yeah, it definitely wasn't fun for hours. It wasn't hours of fun. Damn. So you just stay there while she. Yeah, just chaperone so she didn't get murdered or something. Oh, man. Were you drinking?

Yeah. Oh, you got a drink. But I was driving too, so I didn't get drunk. So, oh. This is fascinating. This is wild. Who knew? I'm fascinated. The quietest guy in here. You were like, to me, you're such a responsible, normal guy, but I guess you just never know. But people, normal people have fetishes and stuff, you know? Yeah.

John Reap. So quick question. We're not calling that one a fetish. I mean, it's better than ball torcher, maybe. So wait a minute. So she, the first interaction is, can you send a picture of a picture of a picture of a picture? of a Q-tip in your penis-old and then you're like, let's see each other more. Well, it's very cute.

I guess so. You're right. How women can get away with a lot of a guy sends you that shit, you're just like, what? Right. Because there was more of a safety issue with women.

Right, exactly. But that is shocking to me, the Q-tip thing, that's like... On the packet of Q-tip, it says, don't put in your ear. I should keep going with that warning. Does it say that? Yeah, why?

Because they're just trying not to get sued. Obviously, everyone's putting it in their ear but it says do not place inside of ear pull it up yeah you know what pecko on the gerbil tank it says don't put in your ass everyone's doing it but you know for gear poor richard gear i'll never live it down can't escape it no no i need it in that gerbil there you go you should not put cutips beside your ear canal god so is that i mean obviously don't you do that every day of course all the time did it today but we shouldn't be doing it that's what they say. It's like tamped down the wax

and makes it worse, more buildup. Yeah. So, I've heard people say you go to a place to get it clear it out. Do you do that? I've heard that, but no, I don't do that. Yeah, I've never done it. No, I've heard, you ever heard the candle? Fuck that shit. I tried that once. It works. What do you do? You put an ear candle

and you light it and the smoke sucks the wax out. Ooh, fuck that. So then when it gets about here, you turn it off. Fuck that shit. No, I'm not doing that. Yeah, that's crazy. What was the craziest shit you saw it uh at these swingers parties uh most of the people were like in their like late 40s pretty pretty older group anyone hot there was it not a great looking bunch yeah there's some some some good people oh right were they but that probably it's probably like

a chick in an open mic everyone like goes away like who who are you you know i mean i i at the swingers things i never had sex with anybody else except for her why i didn't feel comfortable i'm not I'm not like a hot commodity in general, so it wasn't like... But you're tall? I got some offers, but they were kind of scary-looking old ladies. Oh. Damn. It's got to suck to be shot down to the swingers club.

It's not you. It's like, no, clearly it's me. You're here. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's a sex club. Yeah. I went to a sex club in Berlin.

The women were unbelievably hot, but they bet you at the door. It was like a night club. Women in Berlin are really hot. Oh, mama. And there's that whole... Oh, yeah. There's that whole you would have genocided me back in the day. So let's fucking ride.

Yeah, hell yeah. This one's for grandpa. Mark, did you have sex in the sex club? I did. With the wife, yeah. And what happened? Well, two things. One, I look over.

There's a guy who taps me on my shoulder and goes, me next in German. And I was like, we're good, buddy. I think it was Peters. You're doing that in public. You do deserve to get that. And it's a sex. He might have thought she was a hooker. And, like, you know, we were passing her around.

around, whatever. So I was like, ah, we're good. And my wife was like, huh? Because, you know, she's getting plowed doggy. So she can't really, she's like, what's going on back? Because she's here to be like, I'm good, man, I'm good. She's like, what do you order drinks? What's going on back there? Your wife's like, do you mind if I torture his balls for a while? You're into that? You chit chatting? So then I was like, all right, we got rid of that guy. Because it was a language bearer. So was he a good looking guy. He wasn't bad. But I was like, all right, buddy. Let's put it this way. I stayed hard. Yeah, I did. I took a blue chew. I'm not I've never taken a Viagra or Blue Choo.

Where do you get this stuff? Podcast sponsor. Can we get some? They work like crazy, but I just figured. What do they work for? They give you like a quick round two? Quick round two. That's what I need.

You're hard all night. I'm getting my reload time is just not what it used to be. Same, same. It's just not great anymore. No, I need like an hour. Yeah, no, same. Sometimes it's like rejuvenate. Oh man, it's fucking tough, man.

I also like, you have a joke out. how I came quickly with a woman and you know it's not charming when a guy my age does that because when you're like 19 you can be like I'll be ready to go in five but at my age I'm like that's the show thanks for coming out yeah that's what it is man I mean it's it just ain't what it used to be I think about like holy shoot if you're young enjoy that shit right because this isn't getting better for us either no I'm more like a school shooter I do one good load then I get arrested and then you get yourself in the head and the kids are furious but okay but yeah but yeah so a bag in the wife I love the

solo ups because we just go fucking we just go nuts this girl's crying cops like we gotta get a school's like we gotta get a cop in here to be a teacher the teacher should have guns so that was the first guy he did the tap and I couldn't get rid of him because he he didn't understand me because I was English and then I looked I was like I finally got rid of that guy and I looked to my left and a guy's just cranking it staring at us yeah big bald dude

damn but they could be wanting to fuck you maybe maybe but I'd like rotate away from that guy so the poor wife's getting your fucking your wife in publicly do you mind yeah I'm trying to have a moment here what was your subway joke about a guy I told it last week with Jerry oh really yeah yeah he loved it well because we were talking

about when a punch line just hits you. Yeah. Because it's a gift as opposed to like chisling away. But sometimes a line just hits you and you're like, you're just on the subway not listening to music and you're like, a gift, you know? Yeah. I heard Tom Waits once say something along the lines like he

hates when he's hit with inspiration. Like can't you see I'm driving right now, God? Oh, yeah. I can't get to a pen. Right, right. But no, when it hits you at the right time, you're like, oh, that's fucking cool. I love that. Do you ever have the thing where a joke hits you? It's like a lightning bolt you're like oh my god this is gonna work this is gonna hit then you start thinking how

did i what did i do differently today that a joke hit me and then you start kind of like trying to predict it you know but yeah i mean jerry said a lot of this like a lot of it's like taking care of like when he said like this is your grand piano mm-hmm taking care of yourself a little but also i think like sometimes i just go on adventures and do dumb shit and then i get a gift yeah i was that fucking drunk the other night and i got hit with a bunch of joke ideas Oh, actually. You got to, like, let go a little, I think. You let your brain just kind of wander, and that's when stuff hits me.

Exactly. I think when you're pushing it too hard, it's like, well, that's not how I am. Yeah, you're forcing it. That's not how I am on stage. I'm like, that's like a desperate thing. Right. Like, what did Jerry write to you after about, like, how we weren't needy? Yeah, what does that mean?

Well, I think needy is like, like, you're trying to pull, you're, you're, it's a desperation thing. Yes, yes. And when you're desperate, it's, it's like being starving. You're not as good. need to be nourished I think you're more chill when you don't need it as much that's true ain't that the truth so I don't know I think uh but I think doing different things too like like you talk about a routine like what I do differently I think it's the opposite you gotta keep mixing it up that's true because we don't write the way a guy like Colin Quinn writes where he's

like I'm doing the constitution we're just like I had an idea I need an idea but then you write off those ideas like were you just saying with the peeve that's how you I think you write you have an idea and then you build off that idea yes that's exactly what I do Yeah. But yeah, you got to be free-flown. I was doing it because New York can wear on you, you know, the noises, the people. So I just go podcast right when I leave a building just so I can like escape a little. Yeah.

And I stopped doing that and I definitely got more ideas. I agree with you. Someone's all listen to music or something. And then I change jazz and it's better. If there's no lyrics, I can still come up with shit. But someone's just no music's good. You're like, I know this song. And it's a jazz song that there's lyrical versions of it.

Right. So I know the words and I'll be humming. I'm like, no, you've got to not do that. Yeah, yeah, just tune out. I heard Paul McCartney say something about inspiration. He was saying sort of like it's an antenna and... That's good. Depending on where you are, you tune something and you're like, oh, I caught that one.

And then you got that inspiration and you write it down or whatever. But that's what I'm saying. You always like, oh, the antenna, how did I get that one? Where's the antenna now? It's just tuning. It's just tuning. Yeah. You can't really find it.

Yeah. It's just guy. That's nice wife wanted him to jammed that antenna in his P-hole. Oh, my duh. Sounding? Sounding. Yeah, sounding bored. He said something once.

Oh, shit, I lost it. I'm on so much cough medicine. My brain is right. Oh, are you feeling rough? Well, I feel fine. It's just, I'm trying to kill the mucus. It's like all right here. Dude, you know, honestly,

mucinex and just pound water like a motherfucker. Yeah. Because that's what I was doing all of Europe. I was sick so much of Europe. And I was just like literally just pounding water, going to the bathroom, that yellow phlegm just keeps coming out. Because it's an expectorant, right? So it pops it out.

Whoa. I've never had that. that. Oh, dude, yellow-flin. And, you know, I'm also not getting better because I'm pounding booze every night because I'm in Europe. I want to live it up. Yeah. I'll deal with the sick later. But yeah, no, I, everyone's fighting some shit off right now. This is New York in the winter, man. Yeah, it's bad. Uh, hold on. You said something. That's God. We're getting old, man. That's the booze. We're losing shit. Yeah, this is not good. We're like, why can't we write more? We're like, oh, yeah, we can't remember three minutes ago. I blame the phone, too. I've started

to cut back on the phone. That, that feels good. Apparently, Unisom is bad for recall. What's that? It's basically Benadryl. People take it to sleep. You just told me that. Yes. Benadryl's bad.

I take it all the time. Because I'm like, well, do I want to lose my memory? But I can't be healthy for memory if you're sleeping four hours either. That's true, too. I don't know what to do. I heard it's bad for your memory on the back end of your life. Oh, that's how they get you. That's what I've heard.

What are you going to do? Anyway, I have a wreck. Hit us with the wreck. The wreck is deconstructing Harry. It's a good one. Solid Woody Allen. Oh, yeah, I like it. Man, that Elizabeth's shoe.

One fine piece of ace. Yeah, great cast. She is gorgeous. Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot. Billy Crystal is great in it. Yes. That's a fun one.

It's like the only Woody Allen movie I can recall where he's cursing. I love that too. He's like, someone's like talking to his ex-wife and he's like, but your ex-wife said that. And he's like, well, she's a cunt. Yeah. Yeah, I think it was probably an angry time in his life because it was post-scandal. It was like 1989. No, it was early.

90s, I think. Oh, really? I think it was, I think it was 92. Oh, then you're right. So it was post-scandal, so I think he's probably angry. Yeah, yeah. Great cat, Robin Williams. Kirstie Alley's great in it.

Oh, 97, wow. Man, Julie Louis Dreyfuss in it, that was kind of a hot scene. I was telling him to see where she's about to blow the guy, Sam Waters. Old guy, too. You know it's all Woody Allen, his idea is like, we'll just get like a hot young actress to blow an old guy. See if you can pull that scene up. I'm kind of intrigued by that. You got it, awesome.

So Stanley Tucci, it's a hot guest. It's an underrated one. Yeah. He was definitely like, I feel like people were taking him for granted this time too because he'd just put out so many bangers that. Yeah. That's not the scene we were talking about. Yeah.

I'm like, let's get, Julia Driver's getting fucked. He's like, how about Stanley Tucci sucking on sauce? Yeah. Was that to me more? Yeah, to me more isn't it too. Whoa. By the way, she might be hotter now. Have you seen her now?

It's insane. Unbelievable. It's insane. I always thought she was like a pretty lady, but now she's hot. Pretty lady. That's a fucking, I've never heard of pretty lady. You're describing Demi Moore as a pretty lady. She's in strip tees, dude.

That's true. She was like the epitome of hot. Yeah, that was the, what the fuck are you doing? What the hell is wrong with you? This is Peter's wife. Good Lord. Oh, that's not saying, Warsh. That was way off.

You got to go through the cactus. Here we go. Look at that. He's just like, I'm whipping it out. they're all by the lake I can see everything Wow Who doesn't use that line?

They're all by the lake Damn Holy shit I mean this is Elaine Benis In her streak too Yeah Wow Oh man

This is crazy It's cool to see an old guy Do this That's not Sam Waterson either No I was way off That's like Eugene Levy type I don't know who that is funny to be like I finally got it my Woody Allen movie what do you want me to do suck off

this old guy in a bedroom yeah I mean look first off she's still hot too still right but yeah this is pretty crazy I remember seeing this I was in shock and me too oh man blind women until dark is she blind is that one yeah yeah oh that's fun that's That's one of the women that tried to fuck Peter's at those parties. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. We got this porn site. You ever done? When I first met the wife, she took me home for Thanksgiving, and I was like, I don't want to go to you.

Thanksgiving. It's too weird. And she's like, oh, making fun, it'll be great. And we ended up banging her childhood bedroom, like, right before the dinner. Holy shit. I don't know if I should be supposed to say that, but yeah. Eh, it's fine. I don't know why I said it's fine.

They'll be okay with it. It was hot. That's crazy. Crazy, dude. Crazy, yeah, just bang right upstairs, went right down and had turkey. Holy shit. That is pretty hot. She got stuffed.

Gobble, gobble. Damn, I've got to do a relationship again at some point. It's getting sad to be my age and all my friends are families and I'm sending women subtext at 9 p.m. on a Wednesday. Maybe figure it out at some point. Well, the holidays hits you when you're single. Then you're like, oh, what am I doing? In the winter, you're just like, it's like being sick where you're like, there should be someone to take care of me.

Right, yeah, but summer single is the best. Well, I've always said, you know, I love being single Tuesday through Saturday, Sunday and Monday, not the best single days. Right, right. These are good, like, watch movie days. Watch a movie, make a dinner. Yeah, that's true. Well, Alexander had that great bit. He's like, I'm 40, I'm single.

I have no kids. I did it. I made it through the maze. And then he goes, I get a little lonely at night. And then after that, it's great. Yeah, yeah. loneliness, he says the struggle between loneliness and euphoria.

Loneliness right before you go to bed at night, euphoria, the whole fucking rest of the time. Yeah, so good. So, so well said. But then, of course, he got married and had kids. Yeah, and he did it later. He did it later, yeah. But how many comics, Bill Burr,

Seinfeld, me, were like, kids are stupid, marriage is crazy, what a concept, retarded, and then we all did it. Yeah, no, I probably have to do it at some point. You don't have to do anything. your life you don't have to get married don't listen to these traditional you want one last single friend to live vicariously through that's true that's what it is

because veter does the same thing yeah shows me pictures of his kids and he's like all right let me see some pictures of some dates they're the same age yeah yeah they're getting too young when my pickup line on dating apps says what's your favorite color can I buy an apple juice caprice son I ever hear that louis bit where he's like people complained about things that have to do all the time and he's like I have to go to the bank today. He's like, you can always kill yourself. You don't have to do anything.

That's true. That's good. That's good point. Oh, there it is. Did you make that? No. That was quick. Holy shit.

Is that me or Norman? I think it's... It's got to be Norman, right? I think, because he does me. I don't know why there's two Santinos, though. Yeah, there should be anatomy. Yeah, that's definitely Norman, actually. I don't know.

But that's well done. Spider-Man. In cartoon form, we look kind of alike. Yeah, that's true. the hair the five o'clock there you go well yeah bad friends was fun

then we did the arena and those two guys jumped on the crowd went wild so they just happened to be in Phoenix happened to be in Phoenix and Shane of course I guess you guys have to come on the show and boy that crowd was electric

I mean they got a fucking night oh yeah so was you Santino Bobby McCusker me Santino Bobby what a night and I'd never seen Bobby do a set in my life have you yeah yeah I've never seen him I was on Bert's tour with Bobby, and yeah, it was such a bummer because Bobby and I had so much fun the first night.

And then that night, he fell off top bunk on the bus and fucked his face up and had to leave the tour. He looked rough. Yeah. I mean, it was like. And that was before the picture. He looked like Peter's a dick after the torture. No, it was bad. Yeah, I have a theory that he almost did that on purpose just to get out of the tour.

because I know he hates touring But he was so sad All right But yeah I know what you mean Those guys who like Are just so He's just so comfortable in L.A.

I know He doesn't want to leave He's got that house He doesn't want to But shout out to Bobby He's doing a special in January He must be shaking Dude

Oh he's terrified Part of me is if you don't have to do it I mean although I was one of the guys Bullying him Every time I do his pot I'd be like When are you doing it? Yeah I finally got out of him

He's doing it And I think Denver The Paramount Oh Washington Tino did it too Oh, there you go. Or maybe he didn't do the Paramount, but he definitely did Denver. I might be wrong by that, but he's doing it in January. He's got the date.

The theater's locked down. Wow. It's happening. Holy shit. He's like Jay Renno. These people who are so, it's very old school. It's very old school to be that protective over your act. Yeah, and he's just lazy.

He doesn't want to write a new act. Yeah, no, it's not the same as Leno. Lennon's like, I'm not giving this up, and Bobby, you're right. He just doesn't want to. Yeah, and he's fucking hilarious. He's so funny. He'll write, but this might be. the best thing ever for him. If he really just

take some L's and does some, do the belly room, dude. Yeah, run it. Do the belly room and just fucking work it out. Well, he killed at the arena, so he'll be fine. He's hilarious. He's obviously hilarious. Yeah, I was like, do you still whip out the dick? Because I know that was his closer. And he's like, now I've been writing. So now it's

the butthole. So he pulls his asshole out. Fun fact. I love that he's in a coffee shop like, I'm gonna flip it around this time. They're expecting the dick. Mr. He saw a homeless guy's like, that's it.

I got my act. Or he saw the ditty doc. Who knows? But either way. Shit, man. Did they get to the freak off stuff? Because I haven't gotten that far. Oh, yeah.

Okay, okay. That'd be hilarious if they didn't touch on that. That's true. It's just like, this guy's a piece of shit. And you're not even going to, no, they get there, man. Great. And it's fucking, I mean, one of the kids was involved in it. It's, it's, imagine doing that.

shit with your dad. My dad didn't have even played catch with me. No. No, it's crazy. Wait, wait, what do you mean dad? Did he and his kid were doing the freak off together? I didn't know that. Yeah. Holy moly. And fucking sane. What are you doing? 50 cent. The ultimate

troll. He is because number one, he's got to feel good. He hates this guy and it went to number one. Yeah, it's also just the topic too. It's just everyone wants to see. I mean, for someone who, you forget how much he was just culturally so significant for so long he was just everywhere i remember when he was you know he that big

act campaign voter die oh yeah and these women uh you know he also dude he went gray quickly too that's another one that guy went fucking gray yeah like faster than obama you know that was crazy and he had the uh the other thing the sean jean thing like that was big and all these women are talking about it like that's the guy who fucking assaulted me i have to look at this billboard in time square can you imagine you're in a cab you're like can you take six of that you instead so i don't have to see this shit yeah and then the making the band stuff like everybody loved him he was huge he was this and dude he's it's like of course if you're abusing your power in every light of course you're gonna he's like kicking with that woman out of the

i think it was the girl you went to high school with he kicked her out of the band yeah because he's like you're just you're not doing what i say here but it's like she didn't want to fuck it right right yeah we'd love to have you on don that'd be great she was a cheerleader at dilliselle Crazy. Did you ever tell you my ditty story? No. This is wild. So it's 2006 or so.

He used to carry the baby oil. I was at a flea market like I do. And I saw like a whole bunch of like bad boy entertainment stuff laid out on somebody's table. Like some warehouse got didn't get paid for and just all their stuff. It was like Rolodexes, chairs, office furniture. And a small box inside was 11 mini DV tapes. And I opened it up and it said like, Family Values Tour 2000.

That was Diddy's Tour in 2000. So I was like, okay. So he's aware, like, of the irony. He knows what he's calling it, the Family Values Tour. Yeah. Oh, I guess so. So I bought them, and I looked at him in 2006. I just watched them all.

And it was, like, Diddy making a doc on himself, similar to what we saw in the documentary, but this was in 2000. Ooh, shit. But there was nothing, like, super salacious on it when I watched it in 2006. And so I was like, well, there's nothing. But I kept it because I'm a collector. And then the trial came around. And I was like, oh, I bet someone would be interested in these today.

And I couldn't really watch them again because I didn't have the same thing. So I just put it up on eBay for. And you got it? No takers. So I dropped dime on myself to the. So I called the. Sent them a link from a burner account and said, hey, someone's selling secret puff daddy tapes.

I got a call an hour later They're like, we want to buy this And they bought it They said, we'll call you tomorrow How much you want for it? I was like They're like, we'll call you tomorrow So they called me tomorrow

The next day And they're like, all right, we liked it We want to give you for it Oh I was like that's a lot of money But I got to tell you There's other people interested now I can't sell you for

It's not even tachshund anymore Oh, look at you Yeah, they're like Well, what is it? Shuck it and jiving There's no other interested parties I figure You're slipper than ditty

So they're like we'll call you back So I put the phone down I was like great so I'm putting the phone They call you back Go fuck yourself As I'm putting the phone down Being like oh I got a text mark about this The phone rings

We're gonna give you But you can't negotiate with the other parties anymore Wow Well This guy's a fucking idiots Well play And they never used any of it. I don't know.

It's not in the dock so far. You're just adding stuff. You have a video camera up your butthole. You're like, Diddy, stop. Oh, fuck. You're raping me, man. The guy's like, is that a Bobby Leapid? Wow.

That is wild. K. For $15 sold it for $15. We're going to a flea market. Yeah. Well, played. Yeah. Well, fuck it.

Let's plug some dates. Let's go out on the Diddy note. Yeah. You're going crazy, Mark. I hope we are filming a movie, and you have to cancel some of these. but everybody's aware. Everyone's aware. Mumbo Jumbo.

That's the new tour. There we go. Hey. Oh. Des Moines. That's a bitch of a flight. Going to Des Moines for the Funny Bone. Work out some new material.

Then we're going to Brea, California. Love that club. Love that room. Orange County, baby. Grand Rond in Oregon. at the Spirit Mountain Casino, New Brunswick Stress Factory, going back to Jersey. We'd love to have you, San Antonio at the L-O-L.

Woo-wee. Remember all these rooms? I love them. Tulsa, Oklahoma, never been there. We've got to get a bodega cat in all these rooms, too. That's true. That is a good call. Then I'm at the Desert Diamond in Arizona.

That's a hell of a casino. Sawahita. Sawha Rita. Indianapolis and Buffalo, New York. We'd love to see you there. Come on by, New Hour. Working it out. Brief it up.

Let's up to me. Live slash Mark Norman slash tickets or just go to Mark's site there. We got it. Yeah, what am I adding here? Yeah, Omaha, January 8th through 10th. The Funny Bone loved that one. We got Washington, D.C. I'm going to the D.C. improv.

That's a great one. Never played it. Oh, you're going to love it. The 16th through the 18th. I'm going to fucking tiny-ass zanies comedy called Downtown. I just did the theater and I'm pumped to come back. February 5th through 7th. Maybe I'll add a night.

Who the hell knows? I love Chicago. I wouldn't mind it. But Chicago and Feb, that's going to be dicey. We got Stanford, Connecticut, February 12th through 14th. And then I might add a date weekend before that. But, yeah, Tampa Theater almost sold out, man. Two shows for the special, February 27th.

I'm considering adding a third the night before. Add a third. Both almost sold out. So get on those fucking tickets. Hell yeah. And, yeah, very exciting filming there. So that's a great room. Love Tampa.

It is a beautiful room, man. Great theater, killer. Killer. And it's like if I like theaters where they feel close to you. Yes, yes. Love it. Love it. It's cool to do the club for years and then go up and do the theater.

And BT still messages me from the club. I love side splitters and I'll definitely go back at some point. Hell yeah. You know, got to go to those clubs too, man. Stay tight. Get some boutique. The clubs, man, you really. Tiny, you need them.

But you really, there's so much easier than the theaters. To work out? Yeah, because you just, well, you're just not just to work out, but to even do your A shit sometimes. Because you're just, you get into a rhythm that's unlike a... Yes, yes. We still, like, our hearts club comics, so our rhythm is like clubby. When you're rolling at a club, that rolling laughter, it's the best feeling in the world.

Get a bottle of bodega. You hope you have a very happy Hanukkah and... And Kwanza and... In Christmas, the big dog. Oh, yeah. We love you guys, bodega cat whiskey.com. And, hey, we're in at so many... All these new spots in Chicago are serving Bodega Cat.

I was drinking Bodeca hat at the strip house in New York the other night I was drinking at Lartuzi the other night Oh my God

the hot spots Gotta come Got to come through with me dude I'm down Let's get a drink Let's get a paper plane there dude

It was killer And I got the manager On the paper planes And he's like This is fantastic With Bodeca cat I said hell yeah it is So we'll keep rocking

We love you guys And uh keep listening folks Happy Hall Suck it Rizzler No Sunday's a day For my next fender

A bit of Pever You know the beer juice close I've had a little too much bourbon And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope and I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans

This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true