We Might Be Drunk - Ep 266: Chelsea Handler

Episode Date: January 12, 2026

Tickets for Chelsea Handler’s The High and Mighty Tour are on sale now at chelseahandler.com Chelsea Handler joins Mark and Sam for a wide-ranging, unfiltered hang. She talks hosting the Critics Choice Awards, bombing early in her career, gambling wins, dating comedians, Antarctica on molly, writing seven New York Times bestsellers, and why freedom matters more than anything. The guys swap Conan stories, debate talk shows dying, complain about lamps and overhead lighting, picky eaters, gambling chaos, tour life, and wild relationship history. One of the loosest, funniest episodes in a while. Sponsored by: Build your business with Shopify Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today athttps://shopify.com/drunk Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBDMerch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Tickets for Chelsea Handler’s The High and Mighty Tour:https://chelseahandler.com Sam Morril tickets:https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand tickets:https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets ⸻ Produced by Gotham Production Studios:https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #ChelseaHandler #MarkNormand #SamMorril #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #Shopify #BodegaCatWhiskey Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, boys. Hey, hey. How's how you doing? Hi, good. Hi, Mark, Chelsea. How are you? Where do you guys want me? Right here, yeah.

That's your mic. Look at the, look at us. Can we get you something to drink? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I want to drink. No pressure, no pressure. Oh, I want to drink. I love drinking.

We'll drink whatever you drink. I'll have a tankeret with a splash of soda. Who's making the drink? The big man. Oh, God. I don't know if you're going to make it way. Do you guys have short glasses or only these tall glasses? Whatever you need.

Whatever you want. A dredo? Oh, my God. I got a Draddle Sippy cup. I like a short glass. I got to go to Fowler after this, so I got to get a buzz. Oh, yeah, well, he'll be buzzed. So are you a comedian?

Yeah. Oh, sorry. No, we met years ago with Amy Schumer. Oh, we did? Yeah, well, you did some interview with her in an outdoor amphitheater in. Let's think Santa Barbara? Yeah, San Diego. San Diego.

Were you opening for her then? I was, yeah. Mm-hmm. That was a wild ride. Yeah, I remember that. You guys helicoptered in, right? That's right. pre-Cobie.

You can be generous with the ice. I love ice. I just came from Antarctica. I was trying to get some more. Not the Border Patrol. No, not Border Patrol. But don't be shy. Fill it up with ice, please.

I don't mean to be bossing you around, but I absolutely mean to be. Now, we like it. We like having a bossy lady. Yeah, I know. You guys need some female energy in here. There's too many men, right? Yeah.

Oh, well, I'm so excited. Who DM me? You did? Who DM me yesterday? You? Was it you? Was it you? Somebody DMs me.

Look at that. Working. self out. I love when shit works out like that. By the way, congrats on the People's Choice Awards. Yeah, four in a row. The Critics Choice Awards. Sorry. Sorry. It's all right. We killed it. We both watched though. You did. Yeah. Why? The monologue. Yeah. You were coming on. I just figure straight guys don't really watch shows like that. Yeah. Thanks. Yeah. But I'm glad I watched. It was funny. Yeah, thank you. I love the Cialis line, the Sean Penjo. Oh, yeah. The opener is the most important joke. Uh-huh. Yeah. And you and you nailed it. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. I like those kinds of events. I like to go out and do that stuff. It's fun. I look forward to looking these people in the eye saying fucking shit, you know? Yeah. It's fun. Has there ever been one that you regretted where you're like, I'm going to send that one? I don't really care. Yeah. You know what I mean? Do you have a couple drinks in you when you do it? No, I had probably a sip of a drink. Okay. Because I had a bad cough and so I was trying to suppress it. And thank you. No cranberry.

No, just soda, right? You put a little soda in there? Great. Love it. I'll have what she's having. Are you having a drink too? I would love one, man. Yes, ma'am. Oh, I love those guys. Yay. Cheers.

Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Nice to see you. Ooh.

That's good. Ooh. I like that. It tastes like summer. It is summer, actually. In Antarctica, it's summer right now. Oh, really? Mm-hmm.

There's no comedy over there, right? There is some comedy there. Yeah. I don't know if it's worth going for the comedy, but there is comedy. All right. You could find comedy almost anywhere if you look hard enough. I guess that's true. Syracuse, Rochester, Buffalo.

The three. Syracuse is the saddest. That's the least favorite. Is it sadder than Buffalo? Yes, I think. You think so? Way higher suicide rate, right? Buffalo is pretty bad.

Look at the jacket he's wearing. You're killing him right here. And Rochester. What about Rochester? I like Rochester over Syracuse. Over Syracuse. Definitely. Interesting.

I think Syracuse is where everyone kills himself there, right? All the writers are there with this like a brooding energy. What about Cleveland? I like Cleveland's got a moment. I don't. I think if you have sports teams, you have at least enough of enthusiasm or morale. Some hope. Sometimes.

I've started betting on sports to me to gauge to become, peak my interest. I'm dating a guy who's really into gambling or football, basketball gambling. And the only way for me to pay attention is to put money on it. They should be aiming these ads at women. That's a great point. Yeah. So like now I'm fucking in. I'm like, let's go.

I'm like, just put fucking five grand on this game. And like five grand? Yeah, yeah, we're up like 14 grand right now. Holy shit. We're going to go to the Knicks game tonight. I'm going to bet on that too. They're playing the Clippers tonight. Yeah.

Yeah. So I'm going to take the Knicks. This is a must win. I'm learning about spreads. I'm fucking into it. I mean, as soon as this relationship is over, I won't remember. But I do love to gamble. No, you might take the gambling with you.

It's fun. I love gambling. I love gambling. I love blackjack. When I go to Vegas, I have a residency in Vegas. Whenever I go there, I take everyone who comes to my shows. We all go out after. I give everyone money because I don't want to force people to gamble with their own money.

Sure. I give them money. We always win. If they lose, I go back and win my own money. Damn. Really? I never leave without what I started with, ever. Okay. Not once has that happened.

Wow, I've never won once. I don't win. Well, I can't do math. I'm horrible in math. I get drunk and then I just put it all in one hand and then I get to lose. No, I'm very calibrated. I'm quick. I like, I know what's, I'll split twos against a king if I'm feeling lucky and fucking win.

I'm lucky. So when people gamble with me, they usually do win. What about craps? I don't really know craps. Too much. Roulette and craps, like, I just have to be, I have to have an advisor with me. Someone else. Another gambler.

Right, right? You bring Yamanika out, right? Yeah, I bring Yamaic out. That's fun. She's fucking, yeah. Well, she's fucking crazy. She's crazy. Bipolar.

Oh, yeah. You don't know what you're going to get. She was a writer on the Critics Choice Awards for me. She was one of my writers. So throughout the day, we're rehearsing, we're changing the jokes were crafting the monologue. And every time she comes into my trailer, it's like, you know, you don't know who the fuck is coming into your trailer.

You don't know if she's smoked a cigarette, a joint. She's in a good mood, if she's crying. You know, and she's a mess. Yes. And she's never... She's not going to get a lot of more writing work when you're talking about it like this. She's a disaster. She's on drugs.

Right. She's a drug addict. She's a prostitute. Nazi, pedophile. Keep going. She's not a Nazi. That is a lot of. One thing she is not is a Nazi.

They're not good writers, I don't think. No, they never have been. No. Not good stuff. Hitler was, it was all performance. Yeah. The substance wasn't great. Yeah, there wasn't a lot of substance.

But it seemed the idea definitely took it. It took off, for sure. It had Jewish producers, it felt like. Very persuasive. No, that's, that was awesome. I love the Rob Reiner tribute at the end. That was nice. That was awesome.

Oh, thanks. Yeah. I had spent some time with Rob Reiner and his wife, Michelle. Riner in the last few months. Like, we had dinner a couple times, more than I would normally see them. I mean, I've known them for a long time. But so it was particularly, we had dinner in Obama at a friend's house. And Obama showed up a few months ago last year.

And so we kind of have this, like, really funny, crazy night that happened to all of us together. And then I had dinner with them again a few months ago and with Maria Shriver also. And Rob was just kind of like the best guy that they're. is. He's like Adam Sandler, you know, the nicest guy to everybody. And also really like a good listener and a lover of like family and, you know, just the kind of guy you wanted to be your dad. Sure. Like I wished he was my dad. My dad was a mess. Same. You know, I would have liked a little Rob Reiner in my life. Of course. Yeah. And he was so talented. Yeah, so talented. Like that range is insane. To make like misery and Princess Bride. That's final tag. Princess Bride was just

amazing. Did he was so good. Did he. write that? No, he directed. Who wrote it? That's a hell of a question. We got the Google bitch right here. Yeah, what do we Googling, guys? Who wrote it? Oh, I see. This is how you operate your podcast? He just Google shit all day.

William Goldman. Is that right? Didn't he write Lord of the Flies? Oh, did he? He's cute, that guy. I like old guys. I like old guys. Oh, that's a good one. Is it safe? Dustin Hoffman, baby. Princess Bride, Adventures in Screen Trade, I guess.

How about that? So were you pretty close with Rob? No, I wouldn't say we're really close, but he's political, I'm political. We communicate a lot about that. We were in a lot of the same chats and group chats. And whenever we hung out, yeah, and I had, I've been to their house and had dinners there. And, yeah, I mean, he's, yeah, I loved him. Yeah.

And I can't even imagine. It's just so horrifying to even think about what happened. It's just so disturbing. Yeah. That's how he goes out. He and his wife. I know. You know, that's how you go.

That's your last, like those kids. kids that are his other two kids? Like, how do you even get your shit together? And he brought him to parties. I want to go to Conan's party. What the hell? Why don't you try and get an invite to that? Do you know Conan?

I've done the show, but it's over. Well, you obviously didn't make that much of an impression. I did it eight times, too. Mark did one of the greatest things. Eight times, that's a lot. The first time Mark did Conan, he, this was a ballsy-ass move. You were super young comedy.

Mark killed, and then Conan came over to shake his hand, and Mark grabbed Conan's tie and dapped his forehead. with it. I'm not going to go over. It did not go over. No, he didn't like it. We loved it at home. Thank you.

It was big at home, but. But yeah, maybe that's why I didn't get the invite. That's funny. Yeah. But sweet man, big fan, big fan of the Cone zone. And you want to, yeah, put it out there that you want to get invited. Actually, I bet you he's not having another Christmas party after a lot. That's a good point.

Yeah. Damn. Yeah, that was. I'd kill my dad to go. Sorry. Too soon. All right. Well, this will come out in a week.

So what's the process? I mean, how much do you run that set when you're doing that? Oh, yeah. For the Critics' Choice? Yeah. Like two times. Really? At what?

A comedy club or what? No, at rehearsal. Oh, okay. I'm not one of those people that practices things a lot. I'm not interested. I mean, when I'm on tour, I do my show every night. But when I'm doing the Critics' Choice Award, no, I'm not running around town running that set. I just, we write it and I run it like twice or three times maybe in rehearsal.

And then, you know, it changes all. the time up until the last minute. Leo was not going to be in the audience. He was on his way. Timothy Chalemay was sick. So we had all these opening bits. You kind of have to be really flexible. And you're like, well, that's not going to work if Timothy's not in the audience.

He was sick. So we didn't know when he was doing. Tim, I know you have COVID, but I got a really good opener. Yeah. Can you get in here? And then Leo was on his way and he was going to be in the audience. So then I was like, let's just focus on Leo. Let's do that bit.

Yeah. So we did that. But yeah, no, those things are just fun. And I like setting the tone for things. Like I like walking out on stage, kind of like, you know, when you're doing a show, stand-up. Sure. I like coming out on stage and being like, this is the vibe. This is what we're doing.

Let's bring it up. Yeah. And everybody, like, set the tone for everybody to follow the tone. You've got to tell Joe Coy how to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Joe Coy's got a different tone. That's true. That's true.

But, yeah, there's a great set. You just look so poised. You have no fear in your face, no nerves or anything. Oh, well, thank you. I don't know how you do it. I would have to run it over and over. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, we did a thing for Netflix where we just roasted the year and we ran it to death. Oh, really? We did like a few a night because we did it together and we just were playing off each other and we did a few a night. It was tweaking and always rewriting and changing it. You know, I think it's probably from years of doing my talk shows and writing monologues every day that you just kind of get in the zone of monologue writing. So it's not like a feat. It's like, oh, I can write a monot. That's the easiest thing for me to write.

Yeah. Like a comprehensive look at all the movies and what's nominated. Yeah. To me, I can take in information and regurgitate it pretty well. So that's a strength that I do have that I am good at. So, yeah, I don't overthink shit. Yeah. Do you think about doing a talk show again?

No. No, my life is a fucking dream. I mean, there have been moments where the opportunities like seem to present themselves or, you know, possible opportunities. And I just can't be tied to a studio for five days a week in the same city. I would be, you know, I always say I'm open to talking about it, but I don't know. I'm a wanderlust. I like to bounce around the world.

We talked about this when you were on my podcast because you said, you don't really like to travel. No, I like to travel, but I'm so burnt out from touring that I'm usually like, I just want to stay in New York for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to just, I don't like to sit still for long. Like I go to Whistler. I'm going to Whistler tomorrow. I have a ski place there. I spend my winters there.

I have a nice little like, you know, ski vibe going up there. And then why am I talking about this? Because you know, you can't do a show. Oh, yeah. I just, I have so much, yeah, good. Good job, guys. Good job. Married.

I have so much freedom. My life is so free. And I feel so very, I feel like it is the most valuable thing that no one tells you about when you growing up, like how to remain free. Right. And my freedom is really important to me. I like the idea of not having to check in with one. single fucking person about anything I do. I got to get a divorce.

No, I'm just kidding. I mean, I get a divorce. Amy's getting one. We got to run it back. Yeah. Let's do it. But all right, I like that. Because, you know, people always say, would you ever do S&L?

And I'm like, that's a job. I'm a comic. I get to fuck around, write jokes, go on the road. It's great. I'm in a hotel room all day. Yeah, I like, as a woman also, like, there's a, I have a sense of real, like, fierce independence. Like, I'm very serious about.

not relying on another person for anything. And so I like the way that I've kind of created my life. And I take it pretty serious. Like, I take having a good time pretty seriously. I work my ass off. But when I'm not working, I'm having a really good time. Yes. And I think that that is really, like, a really valuable, something I like to impart to, A, women,

because, you know, we try so hard sometimes. And you don't have to take things so seriously. Here, here. Yeah. I mean, we have a drinking podcast. We try not to take anything. seriously. I mean, we'll complain about coming, we'll complain about coming to work and they're like, what are you doing for work? We're like getting drunk with my friend in the

afternoon. Comedians talking. It's not that hard. Yeah. Telling jokes. It's a good time. I heard you talk in one of the other monologues about how, you know, you hosted, you were one of the first female talk show hosts and now there's no female talk show host. Is there anyone you look at, like, if you don't want to do it, they're like, she should have a talk show. I don't know. Talk shows don't seem to be. They're dying out. It's still not the thing right now. I think they need to revamp it, though. They need to re, yeah. Like the Chelsea Lately style format would be great for somebody to do.

I'm not interested in that, but I would love for somebody to do it. That's at least exciting. And you have, like, voices and comedians with different perspectives coming together and it's entertaining. So that's a nice, that's a nice, like, kind of format. But the talk show as it exists now, I mean, I think we're all kind of wrapped up. You know what I mean? It's over. No one's blowing us, like, away.

That's why. We're on a podcast. I mean, yeah. Yeah, we're, yeah, we're, I mean, Netflix just bought my podcast. There you go. To put on Netflix. Like, our podcasts are turning into the talk shows that weren't supposed to be on camera. Here, here.

I mean, it's just like a, like a circular drain. Yes. Well, you know what's weird is like when they had silent movies, the logical next step was talking movies. Yes. This is not a logical next step. It's like we went backwards. Yeah, yeah.

It's like when the phones get, they start out small and then they get bigger and bigger. And then you're talking on the phone on a fucking iPad. I thought we were having a phone. flip phone. What happened? Everything is very cyclical. It just goes around and around and around. It's like, you know, like ABC, NBC, CBS. Then all this Netflix. And now they're all amalgamating and it's going to be three networks again. Right. Right. Boy, that's crazy. It kind of all just kind of comes back to the basic. It stills back down to what it started as. Yeah, like I listen to a podcast all day. It's just radio. I'm just back on radio. So it's true. But that show of yours,

people don't give it to its due. It broke a ton of people. I was a young comic. I got to open for Sarah Colonna and all these comics, Natasha Legerro, because of your show. They all got a pop from that. I don't know where the half of them are now, but they had a hell of a run. Yeah, they did. They did. And that was a pretty good. That started so nice, and now you just insulted a bunch of... Well, no, I have fortune fiends just doing it. Bobby Lee's doing great. Bobby Lee's doing great. Bobby Lee's doing great. Who else was on that show? Lots of people. Kevin, yeah, Kevin Hart, Joe Boy, Whitney Spears. Wow. Whitney Spears. Whitney Spears

Whitney's Whitney's Cummings Whitney Cummings Yeah Whitney Whitney Spears Both dance with knives Yeah Has either one of you ever

Had sex with Whitney Cummings No No no no We both try but no She's crazy She's crazy That would end badly I tried

She gave me so many pills I passed out Yeah Yeah Couldn't get through it But we've had her on here She's fun Yeah

Whitney's a good time Yeah But yeah For all those people That show was a launchy But there was always a launching pad show, and that was one of them. Yeah, you made a lot of careers, a lot of comics careers. I think Josh Wolf said he didn't really do stand-up, right?

Or maybe he didn't do it hard. A bunch of people we talked to, they were like, oh, shit, I got to get good at stand-up because I'm on Chelsea show. Right. You know? Oh, yeah, because it was a nice little, like, feeder for, yeah, you could go and get a, yeah, it was a great show. It was a great time. It was seven years. And then I was like, fuck this.

Seven-year itch. I can't really commit to things for, like, longer than seven. Seven years. Seven years is pretty much the, there's a reason why they say, like, the seven year itch. Sure. Yeah. For work, for relationships. Like, seven years is pretty much, it's like pushing the limit of something. Everyone needs a break. Yeah, no, I agree. You got something there. Yeah, I don't want to commit to anything for more than a couple of years at most. And the show is, I don't like that kind of long term. The show is a hit, so why bring, you know, it's like asking Seinfeld do another sitcom. You know, it's, you did it. Right. It's over. Yeah, it's over. Yeah, it's over. Yeah, a lot of

nostalgia. So that's nice, though. Yeah, yeah. Would you do a talk show? Have you got offered? I mean, we're kind of, we kind of do one. As she said, I guess it's true. It's not, like, if you want a NBC type show, I don't know. I mean, like, yeah, I like joke. So I like, like the weekend update type thing. I like that type of thing. I like Bill Maher, even though I don't like Bill Maher. I like the show. I like watching that. I like that. I like that. I like that. It's a great format. Because that's a great. You're getting a great. You're getting a great. interview at the top you're getting a great debate at the table and then he does his new rules and that's good and the writers are very good and the writers are great and he's really smart and he can go back and forth and argue and he's not a pussy about it right um you know so i appreciate that show a lot yeah i like that format cable but that you know that in a sense is like a structured podcast more than a talk show you know it's it's uncensored there's no breaks i mean it's it doesn't feel like i mean even this has ad breaks hey hey folks we might be drunk's brought by shopify

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Yeah. That's true, but we don't have those annoying applause breaks. He gets an applause break every sentence. I'm like, all right on it. He's okay. I also don't love when comics stand on stage and laugh at their. own jokes. He does a lot of that. He didn't write half of them probably. So he's like, this is the first time I'm hearing this. This is killer. Yeah, maybe. That's funny. But I don't love that. I don't

love when people are like, at their own shit. It's like, really? What are you laughing at? So you don't like a Chappelle? Is he laughing? I haven't seen the mic to mic. The mic to mic. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. I think it's a nervous. It's a nervous thing. You think Chappelle's nervous? No, but I think it's a performance thing. Yeah, maybe performance. Like a tick. It's a tick. It's a tick. You. Yeah. No, I don't think he's nervous, but I think it's like...

I wonder what my tick is when I'm on stage to perform. You touch your lip. I've seen that a lot. You saw that once. Once. When something was on my lip. Yeah, it's interesting. You wrote like a bunch of books.

I read the Horizontal Life one. It's hilarious. Oh, you did? Yeah, it's very funny. That was about all my one-night stand. It's a funny book. My wife is a stack of those books. She's a big fan.

I love that. How hard is that to just sit down and do? How long does that take you? You know, it depends on where you are in your life. I mean, I've written a lot of books. It's kind of crazy. I mean, I'm the only person of my family who's never gone to college, and I have seven New York Times bestsellers.

So I'd like to fucking rub that in their faces. Hell yeah. My brothers and sisters are six of us, and I'm the youngest. So that was nice. I mean, it's kind of crazy when I hear it, you know? And it's like, oh, you've written seven books. But it's a good way to work your brain out. I mean, I'm all about like, there's a lot of crossover with stand-up in my books.

Right. There's a lot of like- You put some act in there. Yeah, I put a lot in my stand-up or I'll take stuff from my books and be like, I've never done this on stage. I'll tell this story on stage. But yeah, I'm impressed with myself when I'm looking at this screen. I'm like, whoa, that is cool. I don't know how you do it. The first book deal I ever got, I got 35.

Everyone said no. Everyone said no. They're like this too crazy. And you pitch it as my one-night stands. Yeah, Horizontal Life, a Collection of One Night Stans. It was like 10 chapters about 10 days. from one night stands. And then everyone said no, they all passed.

And then I got an offer from Bloomsbury, this UK publisher. They paid me $35,000 for my first book. That's what I got paid, $35,000. Then they sold it in like 211 countries or something crazy. And so I got all this money coming in from like these for Frankfurt book fairs and da-da-da-da-da. And I was like, this is amazing.

Maybe I'll just be an author. Right. And every author is like, don't be an author. It's a fucking nightmare. But that was what I got for my first book was $35,000. And then my second book, I got $2 million. Oh shit. And I was like, whoa.

Wow. Holy shit. That's a nice jump. I know. Holy shit. I know. So that was really cool. Damn.

Yeah. And then sometimes, you know, when you have a huge book hit, you just, you get these residuals every year and you're like, you get checks for like amounts of money. You can't even imagine seeing. Really? And that just show up and you have no idea. So it's a great way to make a living. So whoever told me not to do that was an idiot.

That's incredible. But it must be so rare. Like, right in a hip. book. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like people don't read like Hitler wrote a book. He wrote a big one.

Yeah. He's got a big one. That was a beautiful book. Still selling. Yeah, it is. Quite well, actually. It's funny that they haven't banned that book. You're right.

They're banning mouse, but not that. What the fuck? Yeah. Things are off. No. We have Nick Fuentes on Nick. But yeah. No.

I have a baby now and I'm reading all these kids' books. How did you get a baby? I don't know. Jizz and a lady. Oh, my God. How many babies do you? Just one. Oh, that's too many.

He's at a Somali daycare right now. No. But we have all these kids' books, and they're so stupid. It's like the cat went... I think I got you a couple of them, too. Thank you. Yeah. But it's like, the cat went meow.

That's one page. Second page is like, the clock goes tick, and you're like, boy, this is a... Short book. Yeah, you're like, this guy's probably a zillionaire. Good night moon? That books in every house in America. Yeah, that's a good book. That's good.

Good night moon. I mean, I'm still confused about where the moon and the sun are, but I agree. I mean, it didn't really lay anything out. For me quite honestly. It's a hole's in it, I think. But the moon is always a good subject matter. It's the rhythm, really. It's like a constant.

It's like a lullaby almost. Yes, yes. We do it before he falls asleep. He loves the book, but I don't get it. A cow jumps over the moon. That's a whole page. It's crazy. It's insane.

It sounds like it's sort of a sign fell bit. Oh, yeah. Well, see, that's a real book. Yeah. I don't know what she's having. Mm-hmm. That's right. Yeah.

Were there any authors here like, this is who I want it, like, David Sedaris. I feel you say. Yeah, so funny. Yeah. I read his books. I didn't realize, like, that you could write books that didn't connect to anything, that you could just write disparate chapters about whatever and have like, so when I read David, like I read Barrel fever or, you know, naked or one of those at first.

And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, this is, I could do this. This is what I want to do. It was like, write just 10 short stories and put them together like a book of essays. And as soon as I realized that you could do that and there's a formula for that, then I was like, oh, okay, so that's how my first book. I mean, I've told David this when I've seen him. I'm like, you're responsible for my writing. career. He's like, I don't want that responsibility.

But yeah, he's, that's got to be, that was like the first book, Barrel Fever was like the first book that I had read where I just was fucking laughing out loud. Like, you know, when you laugh out loud reading a book, like, that's not very common. No, no. So that was fun.

And I loved that feeling that it invoked and evoked. I was like, this is cool. If I can make people like howl like this with my storytelling, then I would, that's exactly what I'm after. Totally, totally.

I wasn't, I wasn't, and in the beginning of my career, it was very much about the funny, funny, funny, funny. As I got older, it became more, you know, like, colorful and more evolved and, like, there was more depth. But in the beginning, it was just jokes. Yes, yes. I wanted people to laugh and make people laugh. So that was a great, it was great for me to be able to, like, use his template and

make something. Totally. And I don't think there was a ton of books by women about, here's all the guys I fucked. That's why my wife was like, this is so cool. This is, I've never read this shit before. I know. That's why I read it. I was like, I've never heard a woman talk like this.

I was kind of like, this is cool. Yeah. Well, yeah, because that's what we're all doing in our 20s. I mean, not all of us, but most of us. We're fucking guys. You know what I mean? Just like, guys are fucking women. And for some reason, we're not supposed to be talking about it.

Right. Like, why not? I know, I agree. I want to talk about that stuff. Bring it on it. We want to hear it because women are in the dark usually about that. So I'm like, let's get it out. Yeah, yeah.

I felt like I was reading the other team's playbook. I'm like, this is fucking cool. Exactly. Yeah. Because we don't know what the hell's going on. So we want to hear your thoughts. No, you definitely don't know what's going on. No idea.

I feel bad for guys. You guys don't know what's going on. Clueless. What do you think is going on? I just know it's bad. It's a big question. That's all I know. Yeah.

I don't know what's going on in that head, but we want to know. But that women get mad if you don't know. It's tough. It is hard. It must be hard for men because it's confusing. It's confusing. You're being told a lot of things. Right.

You don't know what's right. What's wrong. You don't want to fuck up, but you can't help yourselves. Yeah. And it's hard being a straight white guy if you're sensitive and you feel like you're constantly being attacked by the female race. Hmm. I'm okay with that. I'm used to that.

Yeah. Oh, well, that's good. That's a good attitude. But it's just tough because, you know, I think we go, women do this or women are like that. But women are nuanced and different and complex. Yeah. Like I feel like more like a dude than I feel like a woman. Right.

Even though I'm a woman. Yes. You know what I mean? I'm a woman. but my tendency is male. I'm more like a guy. I'm not interested in the things that most girls are interested. Yes, exactly.

I'm not looking for, you know, jewelry and boyfriends and that. I'm looking for like good times. Yeah. Casual sex, randoms. Jesus. Travel, adventure. I'm like, you know, I'm like a thrill seeker. It's too bad you're taken.

I feel there's a real, there's something here. Between Sam and me? Yeah. Oh, you feel chemistry between us? Oh, yeah. Well, he likes blonde. He likes... Do you like blondes?

I guess I date a lot of blondes. Oh, yeah. Who else did you date? I only know about Taylor Tomlinson that you dated. I don't want to say the names of the others on the pub. I don't want to. Why? Nikki, Glazer?

No, I didn't. Who else is blonde? Amy Schumer? No other comics. No, no, no. Oh, okay. Any other comics you dated? You did Judy Gold for a minute.

I fucked Judy Gold a bunch. You fucked Judy Gold? Many times. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When was this? 88? Yeah, 88?

Yeah. I was two years old. I was, I used a strap on the fucker. My dick wouldn't work yet, but... You turned her. I turned her, yeah. Wow. She was like, this isn't working for me.

You turned her into a comic. That's what she turned her into. She was like, no, she didn't do comedy before that. Right. Thanks a lot, Sam. No, I feel like you spend your money on, like, memories and stuff, which is cool, like experiences and not super, like, you're not, doesn't seem like material things. I mean, I like nice things.

Yeah. But I'm also, yeah, no, I like a nice, comfortable lifestyle, but I'm also not serious about, you know, marriage, children, and all that stuff. That's never been on my purview. I'm not interested. To me, that's just logical. I want to be untethered. I love this.

You know, I don't want to check in with anyone about what I'm not up to. Here, here. You're speaking my language, sister. No, do you feel smothered easily in a relationship? I totally sense that, yeah. Did you? Do you feel that right? Yeah.

Is what I'm saying? No, no, I mean, do you feel smothered when you're in a relationship? Yes, of course. I also, yeah, if they start doing stuff in my apartment, I start to be like, ooh, this is making me crazy. I'm with you. Like, I had a girl over and she just put, one of my sweatshirts in the dirty laundry bin and it wasn't dirty. And I was like, ugh.

Just a little thing. Colonizing. Another thing that I'll give you another peeve was I had a girl over and we had dinner pretty late and she's like, let's get into bed. And I was like, no, what is this? My 600 pound life? I don't want to get in a fucking bed. We just ate.

I want to like sit up for a while. Yes. Digest. It annoyed me. I don't want to. That's really funny. That is not a thing on my radar, but I've heard like three people say similar things to what you just said in the last couple of months going,

I can't fuck you when I'm this full. Yeah. Full fucking. Well, no, she meant getting a bed to go to sleep. She didn't even mean to fuck. Oh, oh, oh. I could have figured out sex that bloated. It would have been awful, but I would have done it.

Yeah, right, right. You can't go to sleep full. Yeah. Sometimes I need, like, a half a bagel to go to sleep. Like, if I wake up at four in the morning and I'm like, I have to have a bite of something so I can go back to sleep. Yeah. Yeah.

I eat in the middle of the night a lot. I eat a lot. I have to eat very frequently. I don't eat a lot, but I eat. eat often. Yeah, but you've had some fun relationship. How was a Fitty is having a hell of a moment. I love what he's doing a ditty. He's killing it. I love

what Fiddy's doing a ditty. Yeah, he's relentless. Fitty's great. He's great. I should probably revisit that. Hell yeah. Yeah, people like, people like. I bet a lot of his ex-ers are like, we should run it back. I know, but you know, I'm the only one he doesn't ever talk shit about. I know. Apparently the whole like, yeah, because I did, I heard

somebody was saying that he talks shit about all of his exes and I'm one of the only ones he talks about respectfully. And I was like, he's not going to have anything bad to say about me. I'm a dream. For him, I was a dream. You didn't ask for anything out of him. No, no, not at all. Maybe the first person that felt smothered by 50 cent.

You know, what I didn't like about 50 cent is he doesn't do drugs and I do drugs. And so it was very shocking to find out that what's this from? He's in the new street fighter movie. Oh, is he? He's playing this character here. It's funny. Yeah, look at him. He's, yeah, he's gotten bigger.

Tough look. But he would come over to my house with, like, different cars when we were dating. I had this house on Mandeville Canyon, and he would get like a Ferrari or get like a Rolls-Royce for the day. It's like a borrow from these dealerships, and he would show up at my house in a different fucking souped-up car all the time. And I didn't understand how that was working. And then I found out that he just goes and he's like 50-cent. And he's like, hey, I'm going to borrow this Rolls Royce for the week or whatever. Or for the day, give it to me for a test drive.

So then one day I went and I was like, all right, I'm going to fuck with him. And I went and I went and got a chocolate Bentley. And I was like, all right, but I bought it. I didn't know you could borrow it. Oh, no. So I bought a fucking Bentley. What's a half a milk? And then we broke up.

So I'm driving around in a chocolate Bentley with like cream leather seats for like four years like a dick. Wow. You know, like this blonde bitch. I'll go driving back and forth to the studio in my Bentley. That's a story though. But the car was so gorgeous. But it's like a $350,000 car. It's absolutely unnecessary.

Wow, chocolate too. Yeah, so that was fun. I got it as a joke and then I was like, well, I guess I'm stuck with this car. Damn. That is hilarious. So he just pulls up and he's like, can I have this car for two weeks and they just give him a car? Yeah, or a loner, like for a day or two. He's like, oh, I want to try this yellow Ferrari.

Wow, that's how we do like with jackets. He's just doing that with cars. Like, I want to mix it up. That's pretty badass. Yeah, I have a fun dating history. I date a lot of fun people. 50 cent. 50 cent.

Yeah, that's a big one. I got a guy now that's coming in. He's flying in right now to meet me. We're going to go to the Knicks game tonight. I have Fallon after this. Hell yeah. I'm going to go to Fallon. He's going to show up at Fallon.

We're going to go to the Knicks game. We're going to bet money on that game. We're going to sit probably courtside, I'm assuming. Oh, baby. My sister's going to join us. And then I'm going to go have sex with him in my hotel room. And then I'm going to fly to Whistler tomorrow. So, I mean, things are going.

That's a good life. This is your life. I go to a lot of Knicks games. No commitment. Can you go to a lot of Knicks? Are you going a night to the next game? No, I went on Christmas. That was an awesome one.

Oh, that's... No, they're on a four-game losing skid right now. But they're going to change it tonight. They're going to win a night. Yeah, this is the game. They need it. Yeah, they're playing the Clippers, right? Clippers, yeah.

He's a Clippers fan back there. Do the Clippers suck? Are they good? No, they have good players. Who's favorite to win? Oh, look at this guy I dated. Ted Harbert. Oh, my God.

That's embarrassing. I don't know Harbor. He used to run the E-Network when I was there. And then we broke up while I was, you know, he was my boss. really awkward. How does that, what are you doing that situation?

I just had to move out. That was the animal trainer I dated, Dave Salmoni. He was, he was... What a man. Canadian. He could put me in a cage. Good looking dude.

Like Canadian? Yeah, he was Canadian. That's no good. Wow, it's like I don't have a type, you guys. You're all over the map. This is cool. Oh yeah, there's Andre Belaj. He looks real fucked up.

Other than 50, you kind of have a type, though. What's the type? This is a hunk. Kind of like handsome, older dude. Dapper? Well, now I'm going younger. The guy I'm dating. now is 36. I have to flip it and reverse it because now I'm 50, so I have to like,

you know, go in the opposite direction. Okay, you don't have a type. I take it back. Take it all back. You definitely don't have a type. That was a curveball right there. No one saw that coming. Yeah, Joe Koi is a curveball. Are you guys with Joe Koi? Oh, yeah, sweetest man on the planet. I don't think I've ever met him. Oh, really? I don't do have met him. Shut up. I know. I know. How's that possible, Sam? I don't know. We've never crossed past. He's a two-hand show. Hello, how are you? He's one of those guys. He's a He's all heart.

Yeah, he is a sweetheart. He's a sweet guy. And I think one of the top grossing comedians last year. He's in the top 10. He does very well. Nice. He's got a plaque at the Irvine Improv. Most shows sold.

I think it was 31 sold out in a row. Holy shit. Who would want to be in Irvine for 31 shows? Joe Coy. That's crazy. Joe Coy. It's a great club. I do like that.

I like to warm up my shows. When I'm doing a new hour, I like to go to the Irvine Improv. That's a fun club. Great room. Or Brea Improv 2 is fun. I'm there in a week. And you know what else I like Zanies, Nashville. They're just classic.

I know. I always said, you know, Joe, wow, $20 million. Holy shit. I might have to give a call. Sebastian Manascolico, $42 million. Is this for last year? $20.25. Yeah.

Wow. It's only a few shows. It's like it'll do like 60 shows in a year and make that much money. Oh, there's Nikki on there, $19.5 million. Wow. I just sent her jokes for the Golden Glove. Yeah. Oh, yeah, she's got that this weekend.

Second time. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, she killed it, I thought. She killed it. Wow, look at that. Nate Bargazzi.

Man, clean comedy. That's the way to go. It's too late for us, dude. Yeah, you're right. They missed that boat. 20 minutes on petos. Oh, that's funny. Damn.

All right, sorry. I remember seeing you a Caroline's way back in the day open for her tail. And I was like, she's funny. It was you and Big J. O'Kerson. It was a good show. I was like, this is pretty cool. Yeah, Dave, I mean, that was like the first, one of the first gigs I ever did.

was the San Francisco punchline. Sure. And I was the opener. Zach Alfenakis was the middle, and David Tell was the headline. Holy shit. I talked about a week of, it was so, and I was very green and new, and I had no idea what I was doing, and I was doing terribly. And they were so good to me and so nice to me. And I was so broke that Zach Alfenakis, did I tell you this story when you did my podcast?

Zach Alfinacus, he was staying at the Commodore Hotel, because that's where they would put us up, or the real axe. You know, when you're opening put up anywhere. You're making like $50 a night or something. I went to the improv the other day in L.A. And they gave me a check for $1,000 or at the comedy store. They gave me a check for $1,000 for my set. I'm like, what is this? And they're like, that's how much you get paid now.

I'm like, $1,000. I'm like, I got paid $10. This isn't happening in New York right now. It's not. Wow. I went to the improv. I made $500. And at the comedy store, they gave me a check for $1,000.

That's insane. Cash, they handed me. Cash. Yeah. I think I turned around and just gave it straight to the waitress because I was like, this is unexpected. There you go. Anyway, I was, oh, so we were at the Commodore hotel and I couldn't really afford, you know, I was broke. And, and Zach's like, you know, you can sleep.

I was sleeping, I was crashing at someone's house. And he goes, you can sleep in my hotel room if you want. I won't do anything. And I was like, you know, Zach's very not threatening. And I was like, okay. So I'd sleep. And then every night, I'd get in bed and he'd sleep. And I'd be like, okay, you know, and he would go.

And he'd come and whisper in my ear. And he'd go, I will never rape you. That's really funny. That's comedy. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Zach was a sweetheart. He was real sweet.

That line's all about the delivery, too. You really got it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah. And Zach is just, Zach is one of the funniest people of all time. I remember when I was at the Montreal Comedy Festival for the first time, and I bombed so badly.

I ate shit. And I was like, The It Girl. And everyone was there to see me. And it was like huge stakes for me. And I was like in my, I was 28 or something. I was so nervous. And I get up and I ate it. You know, just green, like started doing it really fast and didn't get the response I wanted and just started panicking.

And Zach, I got off stage and everyone in the industry, it was like standing room only. That was my shot. And they were like, you know, this is that girl. This is way too premature. She's not ready. Yeah. And I get off stage and Zach walks me back to my hotel room. And he's like, you're going to want to.

to be alone now. Oh. There's nothing I can do to help you. You're just going to have to sit here and deal with this. Damn. And, yeah. And I was like, okay, thank you for that great advice. And then I ended up going back to L.A.

And there was one executive that didn't see me perform. Her name was Grace Wu from NBC. She still works at Peacock. And she wanted to see my set. And I did it at Luna Park on a Tuesday night in L.A. And crushed it. And I got my first development deal at NBC for my own show. but it was literally 72 hours after like the worst failure of my professional life.

Yeah. And I thought it was over. And I'm like, obviously, it can't be a comic. Everyone thinks I suck now. And there was one fucking person. And I like to tell that story because it's good for people to know, you know, you never know when something's coming right around the corner. You're your biggest failures. Yes, that's rare.

It's crazy. Things can happen that you're not expecting. How about that? Happy ending. Yeah. Did you have any big failures? Relationship Many

Yeah Yeah Yeah Horrible shows I remember Broadway Comedy Club This one sticks in my mind A guy spat on me

While I was on stage That felt pretty rough Yeah that is rough It sucks when you hear the And you're like That's gonna end badly for me I was drinking a lot at the time But

Yeah we've all had though I've bombed on the Conans Or the late nights before Yeah there's so many Oh yeah My first Conan I like the jokes I don't like the set

Some of those late night. How do you like the jokes and not like the set? Because I'd run the jokes and I liked them. I just thought they were just so tight. Sometimes the crowd's just tight. Oh. You know, it's 5 o'clock in Burbank.

It's not like, I just remember. You know what I remember about like the first time I would ever do, like Jay Leno? I was a correspondent for Jay for a few times and then they had me do stand-up. And that level of nervousness from the beginning of our careers, I almost miss that level of scared. Yeah. Like I, that is an electrifying feeling. It's not welcome necessarily. You don't love it.

But it's, it really means you're in it. Like, sometimes I wish I could feel that scare. It means you're in it, but it also means that you might be not equipped yet to handle this moment. Because I remember, I remember I did a roast at the Friars Club when I was like 21. And I bombed so fucking hard. It was for Omar Rosa from The Apprentice. And oh my God did I bomb. And Paul Mooney's the Roastmaster.

and he bombed too and he gave me the worst intro ever I ate it the intro was like I had no credit so I think my intro was like this comedian likes Sam Kinnison and Bill Hicks

and Richard Pryor I knew all of them they're all dead Sam Merell I was like all right it pan to me being like

panicking bombed and I remember Rich Voss going on after me and he bombed his first line he goes Rich Voss still alive yeah he is

he is barely but But his first line was He bombed whatever he said And then he goes If you guys don't laugh I'm bringing Sam back up And that crush

And I was like ooh That was that moment I was like ooh Should I not do this? This is fucking That was one of those for sure Yeah that's a good line It was I had to give it to him

It was a funny one Yeah Damn I don't know I've never done a roast I feel like that's just Because it's like a hat on a hat I mean all I do is roast people

Oh right I'm not even intentionally trying to roast people But they feel roasted by me Yeah yeah To formally roast people It would be like another level of roasting. It would be like, it's almost like Hitler-esque.

Does anyone really need that? He did roast people. Does anyone you really? Whoopsy, dude. I got to ask, when you were at the SF punchlet, was Dave still drinking then? Yes. Oh, boy. It was crazy.

Yeah, he, yeah, he was on the tail end of his drinking, and it was clear that he was not going to be able to continue that. But Jeff Wills, you know Jeff Wills? Yeah, sure. Those were the days where Jeff Wills ran. like San Francisco and Cobbs and then they bought Cobbs. So that was like San Francisco is a really fun town for me. Like I love that. My sister lives there.

Great town. I'm always, I like that for comedy. I like doing shows there. And Jeff Wills and I like, I remember like he was there that week with Zach. And now he runs Live Nation. So, you know, he's, it's a different situation. But I've known him for so long. And we were just all so, we just would just get shithoused every single night.

Oh, yeah. That's the first time I slept with a comedian was in, oh yeah, this is who I slept with. All right. I opened for Tom Rhodes. Oh. Whoa. Yeah. And we had a sexy guy.

Yes. And he had this great joke about a penguin and penguins recognizing each other. You know, they're monogamous penguins. Yeah. And so they go away. Do I love comedians? They're not like normal women. Yeah.

She's like, you know what did it for me the penguin joke? That's when I got left. I was like, he had this joke going. That was pretty good. Imagine they separate, the males and the females separate for like months. I guess to because they're, yeah, they get pregnant and they have to go and give birth to their babies and separate from the husbands, I guess. And then they come back and they all see each other from across, you know, the iceberg or wherever they are. Yeah.

And then he goes, can you imagine seeing another penguin and being like, that's my baby, like recognizing her out of a lineup? That's a great bit. And I remember thinking, oh, God, this guy's funny. And then I had sex with him. And that was the first time I ever had sex with a comedian. He said it was amazing. Yeah, he would say that. I'm sure.

I asked him about it. I'm sure. Because he mentioned it on Maron's pod. Did he? Yeah. And he said it was so hot and then he did it again. And it wasn't hot. No.

I got my period. It was awful. Oh, well that's not anybody's fault. No, well, it was his fault. And I will always blame him. It's kind of like don't go to a good restaurant twice and a row. Right, right. You know, if you have a great meal, leave it alone.

We met up again. It was not hot. Damn. Yeah. So he did come up to me actually at an airport a few months ago. I was at L.A. And I was with my cousin And I just thought it was like a fan

And he said Chelsea Handler And you know, da, and I was like, oh hi And he goes, it's Tom Rhodes And I was like, oh hi And he walked away And my cousin goes, did you sleep with that guy? Yeah, totally. Yeah, period.

Yeah, but I haven't slept with a lot of comics. Just Tom Rhodes, Joe Coy And I'm wondering if I'm forgetting someone But I don't think I am. Matt Rife? No, Matt Rife. Well, you like young guys? No, no, no.

I'm rich. No, I'm rich. I think I need rich. Which was? You don't need K.Y. All that spit. Wait, go back. I want to see the present day pictures of Tom Rhodes.

Tom Rhodes. If Mark Marin wasn't sober, I would have had sex with him at some point. Oh, yeah. What is about Marin, do you think? I like Marin because he's really sensitive and he's really smart and he's on the right side of things, you know, kind of like social justice. Yeah, this is an older man now. Sure. But, I mean, I'm an older woman now.

He looks good. He still looks good. Yeah, he's cute. He's cute. He's a sweetie. He's still doing stand-up. I see with the cellar all the time. Oh, you do.

That's cute. Great guy. Yeah. Good dude. Period. Sex. I had no idea. Yeah, that always kind of is a buzzkilt.

You put down a towel. It's fine. You don't know the person. You have an old ratty towel for the... It's fine if you're in a relationship. But if you don't know the person, it's always a little bit. Yeah. Yeah.

Period. are a bus kill on many levels. It's fine. But then women get hornyer on their period, don't they? That's what I've heard. I don't know. Give that a gog. I don't know.

How about that? How do you Google that? Anyway, do you guys have any peeves? Did you come with any things that are bothering you lately? Sure, I can think of plenty of us. We usually do peeves on the show. I do have one. Why don't you start in the numbers?

All right. I'll buy everybody some time. Have you ever have this one? A guy is late. You're meeting someone. They're late. And they show up with coffee and a snack. I'm like, you're already late and you have coffee that you obviously stop for and a snack.

It's like the Elaine sign phone where she gets the juju-bees. Right. The guys in the hospital. Exactly. I'm with you. I don't like when people call you when you're meeting them, when you're about to meet someone and they call you on the phone. It's either just show up. Yeah.

Text me. Don't call me on the phone when I'm about to see you. We're about to meet. I don't like that. I don't like unnecessary phone calls or people who can't walk into a place unless you're with them. Like are you here yet? Are you here yet? I fucking hate that shit.

It's like just go inside and ask for the fucking table. Right. You don't need me to get in. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I don't like that. I don't like unnecessary phone calls. I don't like FaceTime. I hate FaceTime.

I hate phone people FaceTime. I find that in troubling. I agree. And what about the people on the plane FaceTiming before the flight takes up? No, no, no. I do no headphones doing it. I have to say something. Every time someone does that without a head's phone,

you have got to. say something because I always do. I say, I'm so sorry, do you have a set of headphones? Because I'm wearing, like, you think that, no, no, you have to. Well, I mean, a white guilt kicks in. I don't know what to do. Well, I mean, don't say it to a black person, man. Oh, okay.

So if it's a black person, you can't say anything? No, well, I mean, I try not to tell black people. But I definitely tell white guys what to do. And white women, I will tell. If they're older than me, if it's an elderly woman, I won't. Then I give them a pass. That's true. But a regular person, you should know better.

I don't want to hear your fucking confidence. What if you hit him with one of these. I'm so sorry. I know you're black. Would you mind just keeping it down? What if, yeah, maybe you... That's actually about fitting. No, I think those are both good peas.

I wrote down a few peeves. One of them was the eating in bed. Eating in bed is crazy. I eat in bed. No, no, I mean, I meant eating before you get into bed. Oh, okay. Right, right. Let's see what else.

Ooh, these are mostly just women. This is mostly a woman who's been staying with me. Every light is dimmed I turn on the light She dims every light So I go to the bathroom I press turn the light on And it's just dimmed

And I'm like I don't need to take a shit in the dark Are they overhead? But maybe you do Maybe you do No Women don't like My wife hates overhead lighting

So she's always dimmed Listen we do not get along With overhead lighting It is not a good look Side lighting is the best Okay I dated a hotelier He taught me all about lighting

You want it coming from the side Not above Really? It shows every blemish It shows cellulite. It shows everything you don't want to see is overhead lighting. So you want to appreciate people dimming that. Ah, okay.

If you don't have sensible lighting at your place, then you're going to have to have the lights dimmed. I don't like bright lights ever. I don't either. It's annoying. Are the lights in here bright? Well, it's a shoot. It's okay. There's darkness in the room, so that's better.

If it were all bright, it would be a little bit too much. Madeline all bright. All right. Good to know. But I'm with you on my parents. we're all about lamps and I fucking hate lamps. Like give me a light in the room. I kind of like lamps.

I got, I can't see anything. It's too much. It's too many things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of things with lamps for sure. I get annoyed.

I get a noise. Different switches. Yes. I don't know when you're in a hotel room and there's like a fucking master switch that turns on all the other lights and you're like, wait, wait, I just want this light on. Actually, I kind of like that one though because that one I can just turn it all off. Yeah, but I need a little light at night to like get my shit together before I go to bed.

Sure. Well, how about those hotels? with the key thing to turn all the lights on. Like energy saver? Very European. Yeah. I got to have an extra key now. It's crazy. Yeah, it does annoy me. Yeah, I hate that.

You go to like Italy or something, they all do that. Yeah. Energy savers. Well, I think we also need to get on the same page with voltage internationally. Agreed. This is ridiculous. Every time I go anywhere, I blow up a hair dryer. And I just want us all to be on the same voltage.

Yeah. Why? It's only America that did this. We're the ones that are the problem. No, there's a few others, right? No, Europeans are all on the same page. Even South America is on the same page with Europe. It's America, North America specifically. We're the assholes that decided we needed bigger voltage and more voltage.

Why do we do that? Because we're greedy and we need more. Yeah, big appliances, more electronics. That's why we're going to invade Greenland because we're greedy and we need more. Are we? Yeah, it looks like it. Oh, geez. I didn't know that.

Lots of things going around. Yikes. Exciting. Yeah, it's exciting. I'm still on Maduro. I didn't know we were moving to Greenland. Yeah, Venezuela, then Cuba, then Greenland. That's the order of things.

Holy, moly. Look at that sweatsuit. Look at that guy. He's like, fuck, my life is over. Yeah. It's putting it at the blindfold because it looks like a sleeping mask. It looks like a virtual reality mask. Yes.

Oculus. Yes. Yes. You can get sleep on that flight, like over here? Is he like, I'll get some zine in here. He's like, where? I think he's pissed. Some me time.

I bet he didn't get they brought the wife, too. So he's like, oh, come on. You couldn't give me a moment? I got another peeve. Is going to dinner with a picky eater. The many substitutions, it makes me crazy. Just order the fucking thing. I'm with you.

Because now they're looking at you and I'm like, I'm sorry. Yes. I'm pretty specific about when I order a cocktail. I need the right ratio of ice to drink and limitation. I'm very specific about my drinks. That's not bad. But food, I agree with you. A lot of substitutions.

Yeah. Or just don't order it. Exactly. Makes me crazy. We hang out with comics. all eight-year-olds in an adult body. Eating cheeseburgers and French fries. Yeah, I can have chicken fingers, French fries, and a hot dog.

That's all I can eat. Where do you guys spend most of your time at the cellar? Yeah. You should come to the cellar. Where else? In New York. There's New York Comedy Club. There's all kinds of clubs.

Where's that? The New York Comedy Club. There's three of them now. Upper West Side, 24th Street and Fourth Street. That's good. Gothen. I like Gotham solid. Yeah, yeah.

But mostly the cellar and the road. Come on by. Yeah. You ever get Jones? Do you ever Jones for an ass? No, I don't know. But it's a good hang, too. The olive tree's fun.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been around there before, but I don't, yeah. I don't usually do sets when I'm in New York. When I'm in New York, I like to party. You know? What are some bars you hit up when you're in New York? Went to the People's Lounge last night, the People's Lounge.

Some little lounge place, this private club. It was so fun. Is like a members club? Yeah, maybe. I don't know if it was a member's club. But I went to, uh, where did it go last night? Well, you've got to go to different places than the common man. No.

No, no, I don't. I could go out. You're going to get bombarded. I like what you're pulling up here, pictures of restaurants. Is that people? Oh, this is People's lounge. Oh, yeah, that is People's. Okay, great.

It's really fun. Where else do you hit up? Last night I went to San Vicente Bungalos, but that's only because my friends told me to meet them there. I don't like private clubs like that. I don't like giving people money for me to come there. That's so stupid. I find that offensive. Especially in New York when there's so much cool shit already.

I went to Schmores, this like Israeli restaurant. Have you ever eaten there? I have, I've never heard of it. It's really good. I went there with my friend Juliana Margulies, another super Jew. Oh, I love Marguerle. Yeah, we went to dinner and then I met up her. We know of her. We don't know her.

Yeah. And then I was out. And then, yeah, when I'm in New York, I like to go out. Yeah. It's fun. Yeah, it's so much more fun here than L.A. L.A. is a little boring. What's like a cool bar for us to go to when we're in L.A. next time?

I don't know. They roll it up so early in L.A. Everything shuts down at 9. You can't get a drink after 10 o'clock at night in L.A. It's like it's never recovered from COVID. You know what's a cool place to drink actually? is just a bar area that plays Formosa. That's a cool looking bar.

Yeah, that's a cool. Yeah. But yeah, I'm with you. I don't really know L.A. bars. No, not really. And we're rarely there together, but it would be fun to go out. Like when we did podcasts out there, that was fun. That was fun, yeah. And I don't really want to go to a sunset strip bar.

That feels weird. No, no. You want to find, like, a real interesting. You got to find a cool place. There are cool places. Mostly in Los Pheles is a little bit cooler. Brentwood in the West Side. It's just two, nothing's happening over there.

It's all family. It's very suburban. I live in Brentwood. I don't know why I live there. I don't know what I'm doing there. I need to leave. Would you ever move out of LA? Yeah, I would like to live there.

Hey. New York's cool. Welcome back. I want to buy an apartment in New York. And I was going to, but then my house, I bought my house from RFK Jr. Whoa. It fucking feels like it. It's been about four years of renovations.

I'm not joking. The dead bears everywhere. It's a disaster, this house. It's cursed. It has been a nightmare in my life, and I still do not live there. Four years of renovating a house in L.A. Wow. So that's why I don't spend a lot of time in L.A.

Because I have a bad taste in my mouth from being robbed by a contractor. Oh, shit. So it's done now. So I'll go back there at the end of ski season and live there. But I'm looking to get a place in New York. I was about to buy this apartment downtown before all this happened. And then all of a sudden. What neighborhood?

Chelsea. I'm going to live inside myself, Sam. Oh, I heard it's cool. No. What's? I had to get it in. It was just sitting there. What are your favorite cities to hit on the road?

I like D.C. Love D.C. I love Boston. Boston, the Wayne Theater. I love that venue. I love Dard, the Daughter's American Revolution Building. I like that building in D.C. I love Chicago Theater.

Yep. The best. Seattle is one of my hotspots. That's a great one. I just started doing Louisville, Kentucky, only because I went with Joe Coy once, and he was preying the Palace Theater. and I was like Louisville. And then I did a show and I, you know, I usually stay away from cities like that because

I'm like, what's going on in Kentucky? Kentucky's great. But there's always a liberal component of, you know, a group of people in these cities, even if they're real red states that are so grateful for you when you do come through that I was like, oh, this is actually really fun because there's like a huge, you know, gay and community there. So I'm doing, so I'll do places like that because I like that. I like to, you know, kind of, I won't go to really like Florida, not. I'm not interested in Florida.

I'm taping my next special in Tampa. Are you? Tampa Theater. Why? Is it? Good crowds. Yeah. You know what?

It's a really good comedy city, I think, Tampa. Really? Great comedy town. I think so. Yeah, I think very underrated. And the theater's just gorgeous. What about Orlando? I like Orlando.

Jacksonville? Miami's tough. Miami's tough. Is it? They just, I don't think they care about comedy. I think they all have like, you want people with real job. You don't want people who are like all influencers in your crowd. They show up 30 minutes late and they're not interested. But I think Tampa crowds are

they really are. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Coked up, fake tits. It's all about how I look and why aren't you talking to me? You know, why am I listening to you? I'm not hot. So I don't love, yeah, I like Fort Lauderdale. Like I actually think Florida's got some good pockets. It does have some good pockets. You're funny you're saying that because like, yeah, yeah, Fort Lauderdale is good. Like I remember last time I was like, I'll just go to one place, but I think you're right about Miami. Miami's not the best. sucks. NAPE sucks. Naples sucks. Nepal sucks. But then you have like, you know, I think Tampa's great.

And I've actually, the last few times I've been to Orlando, I like them. I thought they were pretty good. But it was, but it's like you're saying, they're pumped you're there, you know. And that makes you pumped to be there. Totally. So, yeah, Tampa Theater. I'm actually adding a third show tomorrow for that taping. So I hope you guys come out February 26th and 27th.

I hope you come out there. Nice. What's the name of your tour that you're doing right now? The High and Mighty Tour. The High and Mighty Tour. I start tomorrow. I start February 13th. I jump off in D.C., and then I am doing about 30 shows.

Wow. And I'm going to add another 30 because I haven't even added L.A. in New York yet. Holy moly. So, yeah, I'm going to go do that and be on tour. Shout on some of these dates real quick so people can know. Sure. February 7th, 13th is D.C., February 15th, Norfolk, Virginia, Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Detroit, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati.

I'm coming everywhere. Denver, Portland, Providence, Rhode Island. That's enough. All right. I did a thing in Norfolk once where I was doing the theater there and they said they can't get it so that they have, what do you call it? You're basically allowed to bring a gun into the theater. And I was like, no, no, I don't agree to that. And they're like, well, they have to.

And they're like, well, they'll provide security for you. So it felt like we were in like a fucking insane thing with like people were following us around. And I was like, I don't know who these guys are either. They may have guns. This is fucking, yeah. And then one guy came in with a gun, and they're like, the comedian really would appreciate if you left the gun in the car. And the guy went, fine.

And he went back and put the gun in the car. I just don't want guns in the crowd. I don't like being in open carry states. I'm not into it. I'm not interested in that. And also, they have to not allow guns to come into the theater. I don't want to shoot out in the show. Of course.

I don't want to talk about the wrong subject. He's like, fuck this motherfucker, you know? Right. Also, shout out, Little Dog Diner in Norfolk. Amazing. They have their homemade hot sauce. Amazing. I remember a good diner.

I love a good spot. It's a bitch to get there, though. How was that? Two flights to Norfolk? We were on a tour bus for that run. Oh, okay. Thank God for that. Only men will take tour buses.

Women do do things like that. Schumer did it. Did she? Yeah. And Nikki asked me about it, but I was like, you're not going to like it. No, no, no, no. But Amy did it. Yeah, yeah.

That was fun. We got real fucked up on that thing. Did you? Oh, yeah. That's fun. A lot of years. You missed the bus. I missed the, I know I did a few of the buses with her.

But you missed it literally. Remember you? Oh yeah, Amy was so mad at me. I was drinking with her brother's band used to open and I was drinking with the band and one of the bandmates. And I kept looking at my watch like, isn't the bus leaving now? Isn't the bus leaving now? And he's like, no, no, we're cool. And we fucking chase the bus.

She's security detail was like a huge thing. How many people were on the bus? A bun. She was not pleased with me. But I got lucky because she got so mad at me. then I think she felt kind of bad how mad she got. Then she was cool again. I see.

Yeah, it's not a good feeling to chase a tour bus. No, with a police escort. Yeah, fucking bad. Good times. But I remember we were with Amy together in Orlando back in the day, and I remember puking in the Orlando airport bathroom because we got hammered. Oh, yeah. And I remember Mark just handing a ginger ale over the stall, and I was like, that's a fucking friend.

It's a good thing there. That's nice. There's nothing better when you're throwing up than ginger ale. That's the best. Yeah, look at Amy. Look at this. Hey. Wow.

Wow, wow, look at this. First trapping a little, huh? Who's Amy going to fuck now? Ooh, come on 50. Who's going to fuck? I mean, who's she going to fuck? What's going to happen, guys? I don't know.

Wow. We should do a pole or a pool or something. Call in if you want to fuck Amy. This is exciting. Tom Rhodes. Just do it once, though. She looks good. Oh, yeah.

Yep. All right, Amy. Yeah, where else are you excited to go to on the road? I mean, I, I, uh, You know, I don't know. I don't really get a, I just kind of try and have a really, A, I have to work out every day. You know, like I'm really serious about working out. Okay.

I need to be, like, strong and fit and, like, clear-headed. And then if I'm in a fun city, I like to have friends come. And if I'm in a city where I have a lot of people coming, you know, sometimes you go to shows and you have, like, 15, 20 friends that are in a city. That's always fun. Yeah. And so those cities fun, you know, are the bigger cities. But I like the smaller cities, too, because I like the smaller cities, too, because I'm, you know, I like to lie low.

I like to spend a day in bed watching fucking T.F television all day long and have nothing but to do but go to dinner and go to your show. I love that feeling. That's nice. I like to do that. What do you still drink? What's the hangover cure? Because I'm 40 now and the hangovers are hitting me hard. Yeah, I don't know.

I'm just, my body's accustomed. I'm a professional. Do you hydrate a lot? I mean, I drink some, you know, I have some water in the morning with some electrolytes, but I'm not a big water person. Are you an ID person? Not really. I mean, sometimes. Not really, no, I've got a strong constitution.

You don't need a lot of Jews who can handle their boo. I was just going to say that. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Well, I'm part German, so my mom is German. There you go. That's what it is. Yeah.

Can I ask what you were doing in Antarctica? I was on a psychedelic conference in Antarctica. Jesus. So this guy, so I met this guy, the one I'm talking about in Vegas after one of my shows. He sat down and I was at a table. I was going to booing back the money that my friends had lost. Yeah. I asked this guy, he was wearing a cowboy hat and he was sitting at the table and I was like, hey, I don't have any chips left.

Can I borrow a couple thousand dollars? I'm going to start winning. I'll pay you back right. And he was like, all right, and he gave me chips. And I won his money back. I paid him back. I won my money. The pay table was popping.

We're all winning. It was fun. And then the next day, I won my money. I go home to my room. And then I start getting texts from the sky. And I'm like, who's this guy texting me? I said to my friend. She's like, that was the cowboy from last night that you were sitting next to.

And I said, how did you get my number? She's like, you gave him your number. And I'm like, no, I didn't. And she's like, we gave him your number because you guys were really cute together. And I said, oh, and he's like, listen, hey, you're fucking fun. He goes, where do we see each other again? I name the time, name the place. I'll come to you.

Let's make this happen. I want to run it back. And I was like. And you said Antarctica? I said, hey, you made it hard. I didn't even respond for the first three one because I didn't know who this guy was. I'd already forgotten about that night, you know? Yeah.

And I, and then he said, He said something like, he goes, I'm looking for some adventure in my life and you seem pretty adventurous. And I sent him a link to the Antarctica trip and said, this is my next adventure and I'm headed here. I was leaving in like four days. And he wrote back, I'll see you in Antarctica and bought himself a ticket, which is like a $50,000 ticket. What? Yeah. So that was a hot move because then I was like, that's a strong move.

And I like that. Then I got my attention. I was like, okay. So he came to Antarctica. I'll buy a bus ticket to Baltimore if I'm not gonna and I was with my girlfriend I already had a roommate and he got his own room

and he was on this boat with us for like seven days or eight days or ten days yeah and so that's yeah and I've been dating him ever since man it's hard to get laid these days flowers chocolate this is crazy so fun how was Antarctica

it was fucking awesome it was a psychedelic conference so half of the people there were research searching psychedelics and the other half were doing them. And I was part of that group. And it was pretty intense, like majestic. Like you see Antarctica from like a day away before you get there. It's like a fucking sheet of ice.

Yeah. And you pass like 60 degrees longitude. And they tell you to like look out the window. And we're all on MDMA and we're fucking partying already. And so to see that and it's not dark out because it's summertime and you're in the Southern Hemisphere. it's light out the whole time. And you see this sheet of ice.

And it looked like the North Wall from Game of Thrones. Like national and kind of shit. And I just remember being like, this is epic. And then you get there and the penguins are running around. There's penguins everywhere. And they have these little penguin highways. And they go through. And you thought of Tom Rhodes, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah. I was like, there's Tom Rhodes. I got to fuck Tom Rhodes. They have these penguins running up and down these single, like, file lines. And then we went kayaking and there's fucking humpback whales, jumping. It was insanity. And you're on Mali with all this. That's incredible. It was just a great trip. I had a great time.

I really, the food was terrible. What do you eat there? Fish? It was like gross. It was just terrible food. It was like, I don't know what the cuisine would even be. Anguwen. No, but just like frozen gross food. I lost six pounds on that trip. I've never lost weight on a trip before. Damn. But yeah, I had a great time and it was really cool.

I wish we could have stayed there for a couple more days because you cross Drake's Passage, which is pretty volatile part of the ocean. Like it's a very... And so the boat is literally like this for three days. So when you sleep, you get the best night's sleep of your life because you're like in your mother's womb. Right. I've never...

It was like someone just rocking you. But when you're walking around, you know, tricky. Yeah. Yeah. Well, was it weird to get to know this guy on a boat in Antarctica? Yeah, you really know much about them. But you vibe the first night. Well, no.

I just figured there's enough people on this boat. He's going to be fine. I don't have to sleep with him if I'm not into him. Sure. There's going to be 180 people on this boat. I'll find someone else have sex with if I need to. And he can too. So it was just more like I wasn't sure.

And then once we hung out, I was like, okay, yeah, I'm down. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Man, if he flew out there and you didn't bang him, though. That's tough. Oh, you got to jump off that boat. Yeah, yeah. He probably would have found somebody else.

There was a lot of good-looking people on that boat. Got it. I think they only allowed good-looking people on that boat. one of those trips Right, so is it some hot Molly sex? What is this movie? Wow. It's pretty, you said it was majestic, so now you got a new guy with Molly.

I don't know that we had sex on Molly when we were there. I can't remember. I don't know anything about Molly. Does that enhance sex? It's fun. Everything's enhanced. Yeah. Good.

M. M. G.M.A. sex is fun. Fun, fun, fun, fun. Yeah. You should try it. You guys should do it together. Oh, shit. It's 2.30, you guys. I have to go.

Oh, geez. Sorry. Okay. Well, tell Jimmy we said hello. Well, yeah. And check out her podcast. Yeah, dear Chelsea was super fun to do. I love to chat with you. I'm happy you came to our podcast. Yeah, I'm happy too, guys.

Nice to see you in action. And go see Chelsea on tour. Hell yeah. I'll be there, you guys. If you bring your girlfriend or wife on tour to see me, you'll get late. Is it just Chelseahandler.com? Yeah. Okay, Chelseahandler.

Okay, Chelseahandler. Go see Chelsea. And check out her pod. And check out her pot. Thanks, guys. Thank you, Chelsea. Thanks for my drink, you guys. You can have one for the road if you want.

Do you want to open any of this stuff? Oh, sure. Yeah, we'll see. Yeah, let's do that before. Yeah, let's do it before. Yeah, let's open some. Happy Hanukkah, happy New Year. These are Christmas gifts that were...

We should open the card. Yeah. That one's from me. It's from you? Oh, this is going to make me uncomfortable. Oh, my God. Eight bright candles in a row. Eight bright candles, all a glow.

For each candle burning bright, fun-filled wishes for each night Happy Hanukkah And we got a little Double-down card What's that? Oh like a scratch-off A scratch-off, yeah

A little weird to put a coin In a Jewish card there Thank you Let's do this after the episode Or should we do it on? Oh, I got a coin Do you really want the person to win? Huh?

When you get one of those Do you really want them to win? I think so Yeah, I want you to win It's like the movie Sour Grapes Remember that one? Oh yeah Okay, what am I looking for here?

winning number oh I see the winning number he scratched that first my winning numbers are 9 and 11 oh geez the hell beaters you already won five oh I'm I got uh what does that mean

oh I get a dollar no what do you get if you win you got a scratch off prize maybe? The thing that says prize? It tells you what you won? Uh, I don't think I won here. But you know what? It's fun just to play. Thank you, Peters. Appreciate it. Oh, my God.

What? I think I won five grand. I think I did. No way. Show it. Show us. Wait a minute. How many are you supposed to scratch? I don't know. I think we got a winner. You got three of a kind? No. And what's the thing? No, I think you have to have to scratch off this other one,

dude. Oh. But one of them's a winner. Because it says winning number, 36. Yeah. I scratch the 36. Yeah, I know. Hey. Wait a minute.

Someone has to inspect because if we just won five grand, we could buy a whole new... Look at mine, too. I don't think... Peters is investigating. Okay. All right. Take a look. And we got a gift, and it is a shirt that says the Rizzler.

Oh! That's a great shirt. Which will be really fun after being on FBI's Most Wanted after the last episode. We're definitely on a list. I'm not really on a list. Yeah, we always wanted to be on a comedy list, but on a different list. And up on Epstein's list. One of you could open some of these.

He liked one of our last videos, by the way. Did, it's not him. Oh, shit. I bought it. I was... Had to cope with a massive penis. Oh, this is great to read on the subway. Thank you.

Yeah! Like, oh, God, this is so hard. That's genius. This is hard. Hold on. Ooh, what do we got here? Mallort. Oh, that's the nasty.

Who gave us that? This name's right there. Maloney... David Skinner gave us some... You know what that's good for? That's like a good punishment shot for the... Because they're nasty. I'm going to have one kiss of it.

Really? A little apprehensive. Give me a kiss. Fuck it. Give me a tiny one. It's nasty. Cheers. Cheers.

It's bad. It's like kerosy. Oh, so bad. Cheers. Hey, thanks, Chicago. Hey, the second city. So they know it's bad? They know it and they're just like... But at the point of pride.

It's pretty fucking... It's nasty. It's just... There's nothing. You didn't take it all. Take it all. I could get all of it. You got to get all of it.

Come on. This is brutal. It's like getting a girl to swallow. My cum tastes better than that shit. That's true. That is fucking nasty. Let's see what else we got. Smelling salts.

What is this? The mothership? They're good if you're bombing with a guest. You're like, smell that. I made a mistake of doing it too close, and I just remember Rogan, like, grabbing me. Like, are you okay? It hurts.

way to... It'll wake you. I had a hangover once really bad. I took that and I was like, I was cured. Oh, what do we got here? This is the same. Ooh. What's that? Happy every day. It looks like some kind of love box. That's what I call my wife's, okay, hold on. Wet farts?

Hey! Really says a lot what people think of us with these gifts. A mug? A black mug. Uh-oh. Oh. Instructions. Put coffee in. Two mark Okay

Happy holidays Here we go Is the Santa wrapping papers From Mike Criscollo Oh from your mom's house Mike Criscolo I thought he's UTA

That's not I don't think he's really Oh Oh this is from your mom's house Uh huh This one's from your mom's house Okay Okay great

Oh these are really good These things Chewy Prelink This is a problem Thank you Your mom I'm trying to get fucking fit I am still drinking, so it's not going to happen, but...

Sure. These are good, dude. Wow, these are good. I'm taking these home. Since 1885. Still kicking. Still kicking. So let's plug some tour dates.

What we got, Mark. This is Mark here. Brea. Brea! We got a couple shows sold out and like two left, so let's sell that. It's a big room. It's a great one. Yeah, I love that club.

You stay in L.A. when you do that? I'm going to run in do podcast. Maybe I'll stay in L.A. Makes more sense, probably. Yeah, you just got to drive home after. It's annoying. That sucks. Because I have a few drinks.

Yeah. Get a guy to open. That's up, man. Drive you. That's up, man. Get a sober opener. And I want to hang with him. What's this?

And we got Bend, Oregon on January 23rd. It's supposed to change color. The picture underneath is the guy, the big black, big guy. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, but why underneath? Who drinks a coffee like this? It should be the side. It's supposed to change.

I think, yeah, I can see something coming in. You see them? Is it on the bottom mark when you tip it up? Oh, I see it. I see him. I see his dick now. Yeah. All right. All right. Hey, Brea. Then I'm in Bend, Oregon. New Brunswick in New Jersey, Stress Factory, San Antonio at L.O.L. Tulsa at the Bricktown Comedy Club.

Indianapolis, Helium, Sahawarita, Arizona, Buffalo, New York, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Kentucky, Lexington, Kentucky, Fort Lauderdale, and Rale. Come on out. Love it. North Carolina. Back in the clubs. Love it. Well, we got Washington, D.C. It's all sold out, but excited to go to D.C.

I've never done it. Excited. Oh, great. Chicago's all sold out, too. And these are small rooms I'm doing. So, yeah, Stanford, Connecticut, Providence, Rhode Island. I think they're all sold out. So I'm excited to come.

Hell yeah. We're adding tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning. We're adding February 26 for Tampa. Hey. Wow. So we'll do a third show at the Tampa Theater. I'm very excited for this special.

And, uh, if that's a day. That one sells out maybe a fourth. You know, very excited, taping a special there. So love you guys for coming out, Tampa. You're the best. I wanted to ask you something before we left. Are you wrapping up, wrapping up? Yeah, why?

Oh, I just wanted to ask about, you mentioned Texas a second ago, your mom's house. Have you heard about this controversy between Texas and New York comics? Oh, it's getting pretty heated. It's getting weird. It's crazy. You know what I say? Yeah. Eyes on your own paper.

Write some fucking jokes. Hell yeah. Tell that to Texas. All right. We'll see you later. Yeha. Hey, buy some bodega cat. Yes.

Enjoy some bodega cat. Have a good time. We love you. And to all the restaurants and bars are carrying it, we love you. Yes. Hit us up. Bodega Cat, Whiskey, Instagram. Whatever you need.

Yeah, whatever you need. Just DM. Yeah, we're on it, man. We got a guy on it. It's happening. It's moving. We're cooking. The merch is going to get even cooler.

Yes. We love you for listening. Thanks, Chelsea, for coming by. Yeah. And it's been a great year. I mean, Rizzler, Seinfeld. The list goes on. Rizzler first billing?

Well, he was a tough get. We got Seinfel before Rizzler. That's a good point. Jerry never bailed us. The Rizzler stood us up four times. He is a child. Yeah, all right. He's nine.

He's nine. Okay. All right. Well, we love you guys. Thanks for listening, guys. And if you're having a dry January, you know, stay strong. And if you're not, get some fucking bodega. Here, here.

Comedy. Thank you. Good night. Good luck. We'll see you now.