We Might Be Drunk - Ep: 268 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: January 26, 2026

This week on We Might Be Drunk, hosts Mark Normand and Sam Morril sit down with Bert Kreischer for one of the most unfiltered conversations yet. Bert comes in full force talking about life on the road, balancing family and fame, and the grind of building a career in comedy. They dive into touring, getting recognized everywhere you go, the comedy mindset, and the heat behind shooting new material at scale. Bert opens up about his Netflix series Free Bert and how the show pushed him into both ridiculous and reflective moments. He also gets real about recent changes in his life, how he approaches comedy at this stage, and what keeps him going when the stakes get high. Mark and Sam bring their signature raw style, pushing back, laughing hard, and finding the funniest corners of every topic. This is one of those episodes that captures exactly why Bert is one of comedy’s biggest personalities. Follow the Hosts and Guest Bert Kreischer Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bertkreischer Twitter / X: https://x.com/bertkreischer Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/bertkreischer TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@bertkreischer Mark Normand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/?hl=en Sam Morril Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sammorril See Them Live Get tickets for Mark Normand shows: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets Get tickets for Sam Morril shows: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Produced by Gotham Production Studios Producer: Matt Peters Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters Sponsors Boxie Pro The litter that actually works. Odor-free, no fake scents, and incredible clumping. Get 30% off at https://boxiecat.com/WMBD Use code WMBD Shopify Turn your idea into a real business. Start selling today. Sign up for a $1/month trial at https://shopify.com/drunk IQ Bar Clean-label protein bars, hydration mixes, and mushroom coffee to fuel your brain and body. Get 20% off and free shipping. Text DRUNK to 64000 Message and data rates may apply. Quo The smartest way to run your business communications. Try it free and get 20% off your first six months at https://quo.com/WMBD 00:00 Leather Pants & Comedian Fashion 03:13 Stories of On-Stage Outfits & Standup Trends 07:40 Bert's Health Scare: Blood Clots & Flying 14:13 Recovery, Life Changes & Not Drinking 18:59 Gifts Between Comics & Crazy Generosity 21:33 Comedy Friendships, Fame & Keeping It Real 27:08 Comic Success, Growth & Staying Grounded 33:31 Health, Weight Loss, and the Standup Grind 39:22 Processed Food, Obesity & Global Problems 44:54 Political Rants & Crowd Work in Comedy 51:08 Weight Loss Drugs, Eating Habits & Vices 57:59 Friendship, Touring Stories & Missing The Old Days 01:04:24 Comedy Career Highs, Lows & Self-Motivation 01:11:54 Pitching the Show & Behind the Scenes of 'Free Bert' 01:19:56 Showbiz: Casting, Acting, & Industry Lessons 01:27:04 Breaking Through, Finding Your Voice as a Comic 01:34:41 From Struggles to Success: Building Your Brand 01:43:13 Wrap-Up: Free Bert, Future Plans & Goodbyes Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What an entrance. Come on. Leather pants. Who have you become? Oh, what are you talking about? Oh, my Lord. Okay, I'm pumped for this. You're a cologne salesman?

This outfit was clearly not for us, but I'm excited to get the sloppy seconds or whatever this is. This is a Seth Myers outfit. You're hanging out with Guy Fieri too much. Fietti. It's Fieti. Leather pants is bold as fuck. Dude. How do you get those arms?

With your sweaty-ass thighs. Come on. They feel sexy as fuck. Ooh, that's smooth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's real cow tit. I'm stepping up my road game. I'm stepping up my pant game.

Yeah, I guess so. You're shirtless on stage, you can only really get pants. Yeah. Are we rolling? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you know, when I did Lucky, I was like, I was like, all my thumbnails are identical. It's me and jeans.

They're shirtless. And so, like, they know if you have a new special, if you have a suit on, you know? And so I got... When you fall off, you wore a George maybe. That's the fucking falloff special. Oh, Jorz. Ooh, like...

Or a kilt. That could be fun. I got a... That was the Aetel joke. Remember for people wearing a kilt. It's pants down, then shit. Oh, no, he goes, unless you're wearing a kilt, I fucked up his joke. God damn it.

When I was a young comic, I was walking through... I used to wear Hawaiian shirts all the time. And I was walking through in the back. at the cellar and he goes Only two types of people wear Hawaiian shirts Party animals or Which one are you? And you know me I was like

I was a party animal Oh that's hilarious No I decided to step up on my pants game Because I was like I was like So I did it in Lucky and then on this tour I've been wearing snake skin Snake skin bedazzled Pits

What the fuck? It's like why not you're in an arena Why not step it up a little bit Instead of wearing jeans and you know And it's like listen if you take yourself too seriously, I would love to go full Eddie Murphy. Oh, full leather. Yeah, do you remember Eddie Murphy wore that?

Of course. How could you forget? But what a statement? Yeah. Like, no one's done. Cat Williams doesn't. You better be a great comic in that fucking, like, if you're like a young comic trying to pull that shit off and you're bombing.

A bomb in that suit, you're fucking sweaty. Yeah. Schumer did a leather special. Think about it. Let's talk about, like, what comics wear in specials, right? Yeah. So, like, I think in all-time specials, it's like a, it's like a nondescript jacket. Yep, yep.

with a shirt. Yeah. A suits one. Nate is kind of similar to, I feel. Nate, but it's like, it's almost like you don't want the outfit to speak for yourself, right? Yes. But if you're shirtless, why not allow the outfit to compliment the conversation? Sure.

Interesting. You know? Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, you look like a pro wrestler doing a press tour. Thank you very much. By the way, when I wore the, I wore the steak skin ones out with the top. Owen Hart. We're both slipping on that.

It wasn't Owen Hart. Wasn't it Owen Hart? Yeah, that's one who died. Yeah, yeah. Like hopefully your own heart. I couldn't get it out. I said Brett Hart. Sorry.

Keep going there. We're slow to start this. We're sorry, Bert. We had a couple pods earlier. Oh, God. And I want to drink. That's the death of podcast. I know.

It's the death of podcasting. It's so true. When you come in. It's the own heart of podcasting. Yeah. Well, it's like fucking twice. Like, I fucked my wife and her like, hey, that was pretty good. And she's like, let's go again.

I'm like, we're only going to ruin it. And then, and then if I come in and I notice you guys don't have energy and I talk a lot, the comments were like, he would. he wouldn't shut the fuck up. No, no, no, no, it's crazy. We're bringing it for you, dude. No, no, we're gonna step it up. We need a drink.

Let's have a drink. I can't drink. What's up? Please. Oh, you didn't hear? Medication? Yeah, yeah, blood clots. What?

Yeah, my legs, yeah. All right, so we won't drink. No, no, no, you drink. No, no, no. You know I never cared about that. Yeah, bad. You all right? In my lungs, yeah.

Yeah. Blood clots. Fuck. Guys, guys, I'm saving it for Rogan, so. Is that from drinking or? No, it's from. passing out on a plane, passing on a plane with your leg like this.

What? Yeah, it's like just inactivity on a plane. I flew back and forth from L.A. to the East Coast, probably about five times from December 18th to New Year's Eve. Okay. And Nashville included. But I got off that, the last flight I had from New York to do Kelly Clarkson, man, on the plane, I was like, God damn it, my fucking leg hurts.

And it had been hurting for like a week, two weeks all over in different locations. It was really odd. You gotta get you a peg leg, dude. That'd be fucking sick. Oh, hell yeah. That's a good thumbnail, dude. A little eye patch, peg leg. A peg leg.

Dude, I was scared when it happened, because you know it's a blood clot. You know, you know it's a blood clot immediately. I don't think I would know. I would know. You know 100% no. You 100% no. And then I went in, I was like, it was throbbing at night. And then I told my wife, I was like, something's up at 2 in the morning to make a drink to go back to bed.

Because I was like, I can't, I have no rest. and I'm like, I'm taking you the emergency room. And I, you know, when you go, usually you're like, I'm fine. And I was like, I want to go to the emergency room. And I went in and I told him, I said, I think I have a blood clot. And they're like, you don't have a blood clot. You don't have any of the markers are you're very overweight. Like I'm overweight, but I'm like, I'm not, you got to be very overweight, totally

inactive. Like those are the markers for blood clots. Usually, she's like, you seem fairly active. And she goes, I think it's your sciatic nerve, which I do have a sciatic problem. And then Is that back? Like right here It shoots down your leg

And I told her I said But it's been traveling It was in my foot It was on the outside of my foot It was on the outside of my foot It was in my calf It was on the outside of my calf It was all over my leg

It's torn like a motherfucker dude I was Crazy pain She comes back They do an ultra-sown And she's like She's like You have a significant bug caught

In your behind your knee She goes I didn't see that She goes we gotta see if they're in your lungs And then took me in And then they're like They're in your lungs And so then they're like, how the fuck did it tell B.U to fucking this? I know.

It's just, it's a, there's a guy from CNN, young dude, flew to Afghanistan, didn't move a lot on his plane, I guess. Landed guy, this, I hear every blood clot story you'd ever. Young guy gets a blood clot died two days later. But don't a lot of people just sleep on a plane. They do, but I think. It's the angle maybe. So there's a number there's, honestly, no one can really figure out what happened. Like they're going like, how did it happen to you?

Yeah. And so, I mean, that's where, man, when the internet chimes in, you're like, oh, and I'll read that shit. Have you ever had COVID? 11 times. Were you vaccinated four times? Were you on testosterone? A ton. Are you, were you inactive on the plane?

Drunk, passed out. Alcohol has nothing to do with it luckily, because that was like my. But, uh, but yeah, it's like all of the above. This guy, he got a blood clot and he died. He's like a in-shaped guy. Yeah. You just, you don't know. I mean, listen, man, some people would just die.

Yeah. And there's no reason they die. It's just a fluke. Wow. There's that one guy who died jogging. Embellism in his lungs. DBT, that's what I got. From the plane ride.

I've been flying West Coast, East Coast for like the past three weeks, and I'm going to Oregon this weekend. Dehydration is a huge thing. Okay. Because it thickens your blood. Coffee, huge thing. I had like six coffees today. Oh, shit. Dude, the key is.

I'm worried about terrorists on planes. I need a fucking stewardess to shake me if I pass up. Get compression socks. It won't happen. Really? If you get compression. Sox it won't happen. And if you get up, I have to get up every 30 minutes on a flight now.

So I get up like a lunatic, like almost like I'm like one of those scouts on a plane looking for terrorists. Yeah, I face every. Marshall. Yeah, Marshall. But yeah, so I'm not drinking for indefinitely. I got a second opinion. All right. I think you're ugly too.

Wow, this is crazy. Burn on no drinking. She said to me, I mean, I'll tell you the number. she goes, you're going to be on blood thinners. And she was like, and this is, she like, it got really serious real quick. Because I've even posted like a poll on Instagram because everyone thought it was a cramp. It was like, and I was like, guys, am I a hypochondriac or do you think I have a blood clot? And everyone, 95% hypochondriac.

Guy, that would suck if that was your last post. Oh, God. Is this a tumor? That was his last story. Do you know what Leanne said to me in the hospital room? Because then I get diagnosed with the blood clot. And it gets super serious. real quick. Then they find them in my lungs and it gets wildly seriously wildly quick. And my blood

pressure through the roof, my heart rate skyrocketing. They take me into do the CT scan, the cat scan, and they put iodine into my bloodstream. And they're like, hey, are you allergic to iodine? Oh, geez. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't think I've ever had it. And he goes, well, we'll just find out. I go, well, hold on. What was like that? What's like a side effect? And he goes, oh, uh, anaphylactic shot. Oh my God Can you test it? And he goes, nah, it's just we put it in

He goes, you know You're in the hospital, safest place to be So he goes, you're gonna feel like Have you gotten into anaphylactic shock? No, I never have ever I did once, it sucks I looked like fucking hitch in that scene Your eyes bug out, your throat closed up

Wait, what was it for you? I was, I'll tell you all fair I don't want to tell people my, my Achilles Was it cum? It was cum God damn It'd be dead by now Yeah

Damn. Yeah. No, it's brutal, dude. They jam that fucking Epi pen to your leg. Well, what's crazy is... You're gonna bird shit on me on the way to the doctor. My mom rushed me to the fucking hospital and he bird shit on me. My mom's like, that's good luck.

That's good luck. That's good luck right now. So they go... When they tell you, you're going... When you get iodine, they go, your throat is going to tighten. Yeah. It's going to get real hot. And by the way, this is like what happens, yeah.

And then you're going to feel like you shit yourself and you're going to feel like you pissed yourself. Okay. And I'm like, these are all symptoms of anaphylactic shock, I think. Yeah. And he's not how do I know if I'm having anaphytic shock? Yeah. So they flood me with iodine and then and I feel it and I feel like I shit myself. By the way, I'm naked on this thing with a blanket over my dick.

Jesus. And then the guy comes up to me. The nurse comes up to me and he's like, I'm in the cat scan and they stop it. So I'm halfway through. And he just leans in. He goes, hey man, are you having a heart attack? And I was like, I don't, I don't know. Why are they out of the doctor?

Go give me a fucking answer here. You got a lot of questions. Am I allergic to iodine? I don't know. Yes. And so, I go, I don't think I am. And he was like, your heart rate is through the roof and your blood pressure is skyrocketing. And I was like, dude, I'm having a fucking panic attack.

You asked me if I'm allergic to iodine. I feel like I shit my pants. I'm getting a cat scan. And then he just goes, oh no, never mind. The phone rings. The answer. He goes, you got blood clots in your lungs. And I was like.

And so. In your lungs. Yeah. And so. I don't know anything about it. this how bad well they're not as bad so blood clots can get it's the embolism where the blood clot explodes i think in your lungs you don't want i had blood clots in my lungs i mean i never saw a picture of them so but they said they were small they weren't like you know crazy big but uh but then they're

like the lady goes um he's burying a soul right now marce sorry he's talking about his medical when you fart leather pants it sticks it like bird's like it was stage four mark's like hold on let me Sorry, I had eggs for lunch So then, yeah So then they Come in, they're like, Yo, we're gonna put you on blood thinners It's really serious

You need to take this very serious You need to be on blood thinners And I was like, for how long She goes six months Jesus Can you're sober for six months? Oh my God Dude, you're gonna get ripped

I've, yeah I mean I guess I got a second opinion Yeah I was like, hold on So I call my No, take this seriously I call my cardiologist

What? Hold on It's good doctor Oz cardiologist and I go, yo, so I got, I'm on blood thinners and he goes, I think you should be on blood thinners for the rest of your life. I mean, it's not bad, you know, but like a mild blood thinner. And I was like, but wait, can I drink on them? And he was like, listen. I can't, like, it doesn't really affect, I can't say there's any correlation between your blood clots, blood clots, and alcohol. But what I can tell you is, you have blood clots in your lungs and in your leg.

And you should focus on your health to get rid of them. And then come back, you know, he goes, come back in three months, we'll take a look at it. back in a few months, but I went from crazy pain in my leg. Like, I mean, unbearable. Unbearable. Couldn't find comfort sleeping to now, like I took a walk in the park today. I've been working out. I don't feel it the way I did.

So the blood, and I was on a crazy amount of blood thinners, and now I'm on, like, just like two a day and no Tylenol. And my blood pressure is perfect. I feel great. That's the problem with not drinking is like... You just feel good. You feel fucking incredible. But you also got to.

the Mickey Mantle jeans, so you might heal in like half the time. I set an appointment for the day after the Super Bowl to get my leg checked. I tried to get in there the day before the Super Bowl. Because I was like, fucking Super Bowl party. Drinking. Yeah. You know, it's weird. You know what thins your blood is alcohol? So you think it would help. I think the alcohol

isn't bad. It's not bad. It's not bad in the whole scheme of things. What it is is the alcohol causes inactivity on a plane and you pass out. And I think I passed out on my flight from New York to here with my leg underneath me.

Uh-huh. And, like, just passed out. And, and I had gotten a massage. I'm not saying this is the cause of it. I got enrolf because I thought I had a foot problem, and the dude fucked my leg. Oh, that all, I'm sure that added to it. That's what they said. They go, I think you probably got injured.

They go to, and, and because I was injured, and this is like a perfect storm of blood clots, because I was injured, I stepped up my testosterone thinking it would heal me. Oh. And so all these things. mixed and I had COVID 11 times and I had four vaccinations but that's and so but you can't be sitting on a you're gonna you're gonna George Floyd that calf if you know by the way perfect storm of blood clots that's Clooney's next movie but yeah so uh I got a glass I'm having a porosos I need yeah yeah have a drink have a drink come a drink this is like when Ibert lost his face and he was

like eat for me it's not like that it's not like that what's crazy is I'm in the hospital I'm in this about you know this is how my brain works and you guys know me well enough to know that I'll get made fun up for this, but it is how my brain works. I'm in the hospital. I get the blood clots everywhere, and then they leave the room, and they don't tell me any diagnose. They just tell me our blood clots. And Leanne go, and I go to Leanne, I'm like, yo, this will fuck the promo up for

my TV show. Like, I'm supposed to be hardcore press flying back and forth every, to promote a show I absolutely love and standby, and I'm like, this is going to fuck everything up. And I'm on tour. I'm on the road straight for 25 days. I'm on the road straight, straight, straight. for nine weeks. Oh.

And I'm like, what the fuck? Can you go bus? I'm on the bus. I'm on the bus. I'm on the bus. I'm not in the bus. I got to fly to Austin tomorrow afternoon to get to my show in Austin. And then I'm doing a run in Texas.

I go back. I'm doing Rogan Monday. And then I'm taking the bus from Austin to Tampa because I don't want to fly. I don't want to fly. Fly is just a pain in the ass. I got to get up every 30 minutes. Yeah. Oh, man.

I'm taping my next special in Tampa. Are you really? Yeah, Tampa Theater. I love that venue. I fucking love that venue. I know you're the king of Tampa, dude. Oh, dude. Go in, do how many shows you doing?

Three. Oh, do four. I can't because they were talking me out of it. I added the night before. Who's going to talk you out of it? Well, I added the Thursday show at 830s so I went to add a fourth. They were, please don't add a fourth. And just for, like, loading the set in, they didn't want me to add a fourth.

You'd add a fourth and film all of them. I did six on my last special. I think I can get it in three. You can get it in three. Here's the problem. You're shooting three. So you shoot Thursday. Yeah.

And then you shoot Friday. Two shows Friday. Yeah. It's perfect. Your first show's a wash. They're not going to get it on the first show. Don't even worry about that first show. Everyone that I know goes, I got it on the first show, the special never was the thing they wanted.

No. And everyone, because all the cameramen don't know their angles yet. You put some lime in here? Oh, do we want a lime? What is this? Korea? Come on. It was a live man.

I'm fucking herding, Bert. Santino and I got after it. When last night? Last night. We got fucking lit up. And then how many podcasts have you done today? We had Adam Ray on earlier. Oh, a lot of energy.

Yeah. A lot of packing people with a lot of singers. It was great. Get ready for a snooze fest, everybody. Burke Chrysher's here. Well, here's the question. He's doing, not doing Dr. Phil. You're not drinking.

Are you worried that's going to change you, your act, your brand? Your whole show is about being a party animal. No. You're not worried? No. No, it's going to be fine. Come on. No, but no one knows that I'm drinking on, or not drinking on stage.

The show is called fully loaded. I mean, everything's boozy. No, my tour is called permission to party. Okay. Yeah, but, no, I don't think, I mean, you know, that's like the old thing. Like, if you lose weight, are you still funny? Ah, good point. Like, I don't, when I'm on stage, I'm sober.

I'm doing, the show sober. I perform sober. I drink at the end towards the machine story, because I go, because it's my night and I go, I'm done. For me, I just go. And that's in your bones. It's autopilot for you at Joe. It's like, when I'm drinking, telling a machine, it's like, I just go a little longer with it, and I fuck around with the story.

that's just to make the machine fun for me. But for the most part, I go up with coffee, and I do a coffee mix of coffee and protein shake, and I've always done that. But I don't like performing drunk. I've done it, but I don't like it. You really did have it. I mean, what did you eat for real?

I got blood clots in my ass. I'm trying to get them out. Yeah, sorry, folks. I had a big lunch. I had a tortilla soup. It was unbelievable. But yeah, back to the club. I mean, you look like you're kind of college is Miami.

But I'm worried about you. Don't, don't. I mean, listen, I think I'd be dead by now. That's a good pull. I'm glad I saw, I'm glad I partied with Burr. We went to Ireland. We went all over the UK. Don't say it.

You went to fucking... You came to my bachelor party. We had a great time. Yeah, we've lived with the fully loaded, the bus tour. I'm glad I got it all in because it's RIP for the old B-E-R-T. You're going to have to throw up an I will remember you. Yeah. The Boreum of the fully loaded days.

passed, it's over. Was Seth Myers-Bom the ever again? What? Was Seth Myers-bom? No, no, no. This is like when Pryor buried the N-word. Wait, prior buried the N-Word? Yeah, he stopped using the N-word towards the end.

He was like, he went to Africa and he got all spiritual, and he's like, the N-word's bad. Took him a long time to realize that one. Yeah, he sold it to Michael Richards. Oh. But, yeah. Did you get a good deal? I think so, yeah. I don't think it worked out.

No, I, I, uh, yeah, I'll drink again one. I own a vodka company. I know, I'm drinking. You know, we'll do it for. We're going to carry the torch for you until then, dude. I can't even eat edibles right now. Wow. Can't smoke weed.

Coffee you can do. I can barely do, I'm allowed one cup a day. You're raw dog in life. You know what Che Guevara, when they told him to cut down on cigars that you can have two cigars a day, he'd smoke them this long?

That's right. Yeah. That's badass. I asked her if I could have cigars, and she was like, you have blood clots in your lungs. And I was like, weed? She goes, what are we doing here? Yeah.

And then I was like, well, can I be by a campfire? You might become a candy guy, dude. No You're gonna be I was in a I was in a late night It was a tell And already lang

Oh yeah And they were just like Talking about the highs You get from fucking candies For real And it tells like Oh these now and later Is this fucking

I'm like Oh these are two sober dudes Getting high on candy No I'm on I mean let's Let's take it to the next level Everybody I'm on Monjaro

So I'm on a terazeptide So I don't eat at all Like I don't eat I feel sick if I eat So I barely eat All I'm eating is fish Because it's the one I'm supposed to eat

So what's the vice? You gotta have a take the edge off. Well, we're trying to find that out more. The outfits, I guess. This is some way to get. Yeah, this is the advice. I mean, it was going to be like, I said to myself this year, I'm not going to buy anything. Like, I'm going to try not to buy anything.

So I spent last year just buying shit. What's the crazy thing you bought? I've been to his house. It's like a fucking toy. I was at your old house. I haven't seen the new one. Oh, yeah. The new one's stupid.

What's a crazy thing you bought? I mean, I bought Tom a race car. Oh, my God. I bought him $120,000 for his birthday. Mark got me a gift card to a bar. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. You know that, hang on, do you know the premise of this? No.

So this is back when, you know, like you guys will look back at this podcast and go, God, we were good back then. Tom and I looked back at two bears back then, and we were so, it was all we had. We didn't have TV shows, we didn't have movies, we didn't have tours. It was like kind of during the pandemic and we started buying each other birthday gifts. Yeah. And we said, we're going to buy more expensive birthday gifts for the next person. And so they had to top it next year. And so Tom, for my first birthday, he sent me like, he started it.

He bought me a $6,000 bike, an electric bike that went 45 miles an hour. It was the only gift I got that was good that year. My daughters, my wife, everyone got me something. And then this bike shows up. And I'm hammered, and I get on it. And I go flying through my neighborhood. And I had the funnest time listening to music, not a care of my fucking life. And I called Tommy.

I go, that's the best present I've ever gotten. That sounds so damn. The Jew and music, that sounds so fucking dangerous, dude. You get the music on, you're fucking zipping. Oh, you lose your senses. And then Tommy goes, I can't wait to see what you get in me. Oh, boy. And I got so excited.

You got a one-up him. So I bought him like a $15,000 jet ski. It went like 75 miles per hour. Holy hell. And he loves speed and he just moved to Austin. By the way, this is how Paul Walker died. They kept up in the ante. Yeah, exactly.

And so he gets it and he was a lot. He would call me. And he's like, dude, it is 7 a.m. I just had my coffee and I'm going 75 miles per hour on this fucking lake. That sounds awesome. So then he goes, I can't wait to get your birthday present. I'm in the middle of promoting the machine. My schedule is chaotic.

I'm trying to get to Austin. And I got a call from Tommy. And he goes, hey, everything's been taken care of. I had to go from Minnesota to Austin, Austin to L.A., L.A. back to Austin and then Austin back on the road. Okay. And Tommy said, I got you covered. And I was like, what?

He was like, don't worry about your flight tomorrow. Everything's fine. They're going to fill you in tomorrow morning. So I wake up. It's a massage from a man. That's not enough money. No, that's definitely not. He got me a G6 to take me to Austin, then take me to L.A., then back to Austin,

then back out on the road. I'm talking with a flight attendant and full meals. And I was like, oh, my God. Can we get a G6 looks like? It's the shit What's so cool about it? I was wondering why It's got the bed in the back

It's the fucking It's a big body plane So you can stand up And walk around And it was crazy It was crazy I was wonder why Christina stayed with him

Look at that So then the next year He wanted to learn It was crazy I remember I would just invite people On the plane I was like guys We have so much room

Yeah I mean we flew producers For the movie Because we were like Screening the movie and flying back to screen it again in Texas. And I flew producers on the plane. I was like, Tom got the plane for us.

Tom transitioned to rich guy so easily. He loves it. He loves it. And you know what? He's all from Ohio. He's the best. You know, I think I did an interview one time with Slash. I don't know if I've talked about this on a podcast or not, but I'm going to share it here.

I interviewed Slash. And one thing they said is don't ask him about Guns and Roses. Okay. And it was, and we, Slash, you want to talk about pottery? What are we talking about? That's kind of your thing. We're supposed to talk about Slash's Snake Pit. It was his new band.

Oh, okay, okay. And he was in Velvet Revolver, right? He's in something else. Not what was he in? He's in another band, he's in another band, wasn't it? No, he's in another band, wasn't it? Slash's a snake pit. Yeah.

That's it? That's it. I thought he was in another band after Guns and Roses. Am I fucking dumb? Velver Revolver. Yeah. Oh, there you go, dude. I yelled it.

Okay. So I show up to the show, and he's already drinking. in my green room. Hell yeah. It's like six in the morning. Jesus. Hell no. And he's like,

I got kicked on my house last night. They told me you have booze in here. I kind of let myself in. Still a rocker. I love it. I'm 28 years old, 27 years old. And it's slash.

It's still slashed to me. Sure. So I sit down and drink with him. And we have the greatest morning ever. Like we're just shooting the shit. And it's like so loose that by the time we get to the stage, we're hammered. He's like,

like we're walking together. We're like boys, right? Whoa. And we sit down and I go, hey, what am I supposed to talk about? His buddy, ask me anything. Whoa. So the first thing I said is I go, why do guns and roses break up? And he just goes, that's a great question that no one's ever asked me.

We weren't allowed to. I know. No one, because they go, they don't want to get it. And you can see his team like, ugh. And he said one of the most interesting things. And I think this is important to, when you think of like, especially the L.A. comedy scene is like, he goes, you know, we were all street kids and we were all broke together and we all lived on the street and we were all the same type of person.

We just wanted to get fucked up, play music, and fuck chicks. Yes. And then we went on the road and we were like all the same person. We went to get on the bus, get fucked up, fuck chicks, play music. And he goes, and then we toured the world. We're in Brazil. We're the same kids. Get fucked up.

Fuck chicks. Play music. Get on the bus. Love it. And he goes, we got done, I think he said Brazil. We got done our last show. And we come back to LA. We sit at our manager's office and they're like, this is how much money you have.

And he goes, and they realize none of us had anywhere to stay. we're on hotels. And they're like, where do you want to buy a house? And Slash was like, easy. We're all living on the sunset strip, right above the Roxy, right above the,

that's where we're going to move. And Axel was like, I'm moving to Malibu. And Slash said, what the fuck? Oh, he changed. And he was like, no, but Slash he goes, that's what I've always wanted to be.

That's where I've always wanted to live. And so when I look back at the L.A. scene, like, at our best, like all these comics, dude, when we were all, broke comics. By the way, I thought heroin is why they broke up. That's so funny. He's like, he moved to a different zip code. It wasn't cool. No, no, but he goes, we were different rich people. I know, but there's a, but there's a thing in the behind the music. I'm sure.

He's like, if, actually, if Slash doesn't start, stop dancing with Mr. Brownstone, he's out of the band, and you're like, oh shit. Well, I think, I think Stephen Adler had a problem too. Yeah, they were all fucked up. Yeah, they were all fucked up. But God, in the 90s, they were so fucking cool. I don't know if Slash was in the place where he was going to be like, I had a heroin problem. Steven had a heroin problem. But did you see the video of him where he's so fucked up with a cigarette in his mouth, it just like falls down his pants and he's still playing. By the way, he rocked leather pants. Oh, big time.

And I can't stop rubbing them. They're so fucking soft. I might send you guys a couple pairs. Anyway, we'll wear them on the pod if you do it. You go on a commando? Of course. What is it? You've been shitting in your pants the entire time.

This is a great time to go to sheath or underwear. I'm wearing two pairs of underwear. You should wear two pairs of underwear. I have a net in my ass. But what's interesting about me and Tom, is like broke comics, we're identical, identical. You got that right. The second we make money, he's a very different.

Like, Tom wants a house that is furnished. And it's set and you just move in, turnkey ready. Me and Leanne, we buy a fixer up or we tear it down, we build it together. I like that. A year and six months building the house because that's who we are. Well, Mark moved to a big townhouse in Brooklyn, and I'm in like an apartment dormant building in the village. I like, you know, but I'm also a single guy. He's got the family now.

It's interesting as you grow as men, you're not the same type of person. Right. You're different. Even like, you look at Ari. Ari's made money, but he still saved this one guy. Yeah. He's, I think he's not afraid of the growth. Can you edit something out?

All right, go back. But no, but like, but you look at Ari and like, Ari definitely is someone who was like, I don't want to change. I want to be the exact same guy. That's why we love him. Yeah, which is noble. And you're like, great. It's like, look at Shane.

Like, Shane's an interesting millionaire. Sure. Like, he's like, you can see Shane. not changing at all, but changing at times. Yeah, he likes nice shit, but he's still a regular guy. Yeah, and it's interesting to watch someone. You know, I said to you a long time ago, Mark, I was like, I can't wait to see how you deal with fame.

Yeah, one day I'll get there. You're doing all right, buddy. You're doing all right, buddy. Oh, wow. I don't know if I want to be famous. Are you not famous? I like this level. I like, I'm selling out shows. We got a nice podcast.

I hang out with my friends. I got a nice house with a family and a kid. You want anything more? No. No, yeah, you do. We wrote a fucking movie. Well, I mean, I like to do fun stuff, but I'm not like, hey, I want to be a movie star. Yeah, yeah.

Why, you write a movie? You want to act in a movie. Hold on. Hold on. I want to see what we can do it. Find your truth. Okay. Because if you're lying to yourself, you're lying to everyone.

All right. So, like, because that's a tough part. I think I know exactly what I'm going to say. You want, you want to make fun shit. Yeah. And we wrote a fun, and we wrote a fun movie. For you guys to start in. Yes.

Yeah. It's a fun. That's a funny shit. And we wrote a funny movie with a ton of jokes in it. And we were proud of it. We were David Tell in it. We'd like you to be in it. Stop for all these fun people.

So to me, that's not about fame. That's like, hey, we're making a movie. Yeah, but don't get confused. The second you enter the movie system, oh, it's a different fucking animal. Really? See, that scares me. Oh, it scares me. Dude, I have a fucking TV show coming up.

Is that you on a private jet? Berkowitz took that in like 2015. Yeah, I was like, that doesn't look like you. That was Schumer. I was hungover shit there. Look at that fucking beard, man. Yeah, I was on the road for a while without a razor. Good times.

The thing about, the thing about, like, TV shows and movies and stuff, is, like, when you do a special, you release it, you know it's going to do well. You're like, well, no, but you did the material for 18 months on the road. Good point. Unless you're one of these other comics to go, I'm going to go out for three weeks and try it out. You're like, oh, good luck. But, like, for us. I don't, to me, that's, like, it's insane. wildly irresponsible.

Yeah. When you hear a comic. You know, I gotta give it up. Part of the fun is getting it good. Of course. I got to give it up for Marcelo Hernandez because... He's crushing. His special did it very well.

He's a great kid. Good guy. But he was going to do that. He told Chris Rock, yeah, I'm getting ready to do my special. I'm going to do next weekend and rehearse it. Chris Rock was like, cancel it. He was like, what? He's like, you're not ready.

And he canceled it. Good for him. And then took time to work on the material. good for Rock to tell them that. Well, that'd be in back of your head the whole time. Yeah. You don't want that voice in the head being like you're not ready. But we've all seen specials where like, how do they put this out?

What? Are they crazy? This is like half the jokes. You know, they do the shit where they're like, I don't have an ending to that. Next thing. And you're like, what? You don't have an ending. That's our whole job. That was your closer.

Yeah. Crazy. I see a lot of that. I see a lot of it. I mean, it's like I don't understand someone that doesn't take a special as serious as as their health. Like when I do a special. My next special is called Blood Clod. It's going to be really good.

And fucking. I would have, I would have, the blood cut would have been an okay way to die. Now what if your next? No, no, no, no. You don't want to die. You don't want to die from like, like an easy joke. You know, like my liver fails and it's like, oh, fuck, I'm fucked. Right.

You know, if I get a DUI and get a car accident, come on. Yeah. If you want to, like, get attacked by a shark. Dude. Yeah. But what if your next special is amazing because you didn't drink? Then you can't go back. Yeah, I can.

I can do whatever fuck I want. All right. I don't know where these rules are coming from you, Mark. Well, I'm just saying because then you're like, oh, it's like, Burt's dead. He's gone to us. I just am not drinking until my blood clock goes away. I'm still in shock.

It's like, it's weird. When have you ever known me to lose weight and keep it off or stop drinking and never, I mean, I am a fucking gain it back kind of guy. That's a good point, but it's like seeing carrot top without the props or something. I love that you said that.

Okay. Do you haven't not seen the series yet, have you? I got a link today. No, no, you're too late. Today right before we're coming here. So I did that. in this that's in the show

Carrot Top? Yeah Oh, I love Caratop I'm not a hater I leaned in I leaned in to like So by the way

The show is Freebert It's on Netflix January 22nd Which I'm sure is out by now Yeah When this comes out The art and mirror Looking good

She looks great She's a cool The girls with stars They really are They steal the show Okay Epstein said that But I leaned into like

All the shit That I get online I leaned into all of it Good Own it I leaned into it. Like, there's a... I mean, you just watch his show, but I was like,

whatever people say about me, like, he's just got to take a shirt off, yeah, I leaned into that. What are you without taking a shirt off? I leaned into that. Hell yeah. Will people show up, who didn't take your shirt off?

You ain't mild with yourself. I was like, fuck it. I was like, I was like, I'm already done with like, I'm done with like, I know what people say. So I'm just gonna fucking include it because that is in my inner thought. I mean, the shit people say about you does enter the pathos and ethos,

and you're sitting there with it in your head going like, like, what people should? job if I didn't take my shirt off? They would. Yeah, they would. They would. And they'd be like, why is his shirt on? There would be 80% of the room that's going like, is he, is he going to take it off? Yeah, that's true. It's like, I brought a guitar on stage one time when I was young and I put it at the Boston

Comedy Club and I put it next to the fireplace and tried to do material and then play it, and they all just stared at the guitar. And I was like, oh, yeah, never do that again. Iggy Pop had one leg shorter than the other. Is that right? That's why he walked like that. See him standing? Yeah.

That's because one leg's short than the other. Yikes. Now that's his, get a, get a pair of panties on that guy. Like, look those hips. The pants are so low. Alan McBeal looks terrible. Nikki Glazer, what are you doing? Oh, there we go.

He's hot there. That's not Iggy Pop. Oh, yeah. That's a young pop. Are you serious? Yeah. It's tough when you have a sick body and then you're just like, I'm sticking with this. And you're like, oh, boy.

What's that? Now, that's my fear. What? No booze six months. Minjaro. Testosterone. And you come ripped? And I love working out.

So you're just going to be a ripped guy without a shirt? Can I tell you? That's no good. I told you. I was with Chappelle one night and we're fucking boozing. And I told him, I was like, dude, he's like, you're shoulders, man. And I was like, I'm shirtless. And he's like, look those things.

And he's like, you're shoulders, man. And he goes, you're inspiring me. I want to work out. I want to get jacked. And I was like, yeah. And I was like, you know, people. People always say, like, what if I lose weight? Will I still be funny?

And he just, in the best Chappelle way, just leans in. He goes, fuck him. Get fucking ripped and shredded. Be a fucking rock star. And I was like, oh, you know, all you have to hear is one thing from Chappelle or Cat Williams. And you're like, that's what I'm doing. Well, he got ripped. Remember he was a skinny guy?

Every specialty, he's like a twig. Skinny pothead. And now he's like, he's guns ablazing now. Spell, do you remember when Shepel showed up with big arms? Yeah. And you were like, yo. It was weird. The funny thing is when a comedian gets healthy, we're like, are you okay?

Yeah. You made a wise mental choice? I'm more comfortable. I'm more comfortable as a fuck up. Same. Well, I watched Sigora special, and he's like weirdly thin. Like so in shape that you're like, whoa, it's jarring. He's 185 pounds right now.

Wow. He's thinner than they. Yeah, I know. He's thinner than everybody. Wow. Yeah. Well, pull up, pull up Sigura now because he's, it was, the face is thin. You could just tell, like, he's got a sculpting thing going on.

He's got a trainer. He's hot. Look at the T-shirt. It's baggy. Yeah. Crazy. Damn. Look at this.

Yeah, but I think I'm done taking those pictures, by the way. That was a period in my life when I was, like, so excited I was losing weight. And then I was like, no one wants to fucking see that. No. Like, no one wants to see you looking good. No. And you don't think it about you, but then you're like, what the fuck off, Aaron Berg? What are you doing?

Love Aaron Berg. I'm just, I mean. But, like, look at this in that picture to the right. No, that's not real. That's fake. Go to the blue background. Yeah. That guy's in Salakuse's GMs.

Look at, look at, look at, I mean, I'm just like. Look at the guns, the shoulders. You look like fucking Julian Edelman there from far. Oh, yeah. Thank you to the chosen people. You got that right. But, yeah, I mean, right now I'm just like, I work out because I like it. And I'm eating, so I'm eating, like, clean only because I'm on Janaro.

But I'm only on Majaro because Leanne took me the doctor. and the doctor was like, yo. And this is that my fattest when I was filming Freebert, I got done. Free bird, I'm like 275 pounds for the whole series. I told you. Six one, six foot, six one.

And so I go, I get done. He takes me the doctor. My cardiologist is like, you know, he's like, you're very heavy. And I was like, and I said to him, I was like, I'm not the heaviest I was been. And he goes, yeah, by one pound. He goes, you were one pound heavier

last time you came in. And I go, well, I lift weight, So I'm very muscular and he goes, how much muscle's in there? So he took, he did a scan of my body to check to see like, it's called a, it's called a Dexas scan. And he was like, yo, you have 90 pounds in your stomach of visceral fat. Whoa. And I was like, it's that a lot. And he was like, it's like a Romanian gymnast.

Whoa. He's like, you're holding onto a human in your stomach. It's bad for your back. It's bad for your knees. It's bad for everything. And he was like, and I told him, I'm not going to do Minjarro because I was like, I don't want to cheat. I don't want to cheat. So that's like a Zempe?

It's like Ozympic. It's the terror of Zeptide. It's same thing. Cut your appetite. And then he goes, okay. And he goes, I'll tell you what, I'll see you in three months and you're going to be 300 pounds. Whoa. And I was like, for real.

And then I just did it. The first time I did it was my birthday, November 3rd. Or that was a week. And I did it. And I noticed that my eating cut back and my drinking kind of cut in half. And I was like, well, that's not bad. Yeah. And then I upped my dosage and was violently ill for a week.

like, oh, throwing up. Well, he, I don't know if I'm allowed to say, but you microdosed OZMPIC. I'm microdosing now. That's smart. Yeah. It's so much better to be like microdosing and then if you feel you're eating, just punch a little more in. Yeah. And then pull off your country this is.

I know. People starve and we're just like, I'm going to take just a little to cut out like a snack. Right. Yeah, but you know what? Hang on. Hang on. Can I just, can I politically rant for the first time? Oh, shit.

You're a big. ice fan. Pull the United States. That's all I can eat these days. Dude, I love him. I love him. Friday, another Friday, I love us.

The, you know, it's like, I watch this fucking documentary about global warming. And they're like, you need to do your part. Al Gore. And I was like, hang on, fuck off. We're doing our part. How about the fucking

animals all around the world that are burning trash in their front yard? Like, let's be real. It's not us. It's not us. India's number one. Dude, India, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, fucking bank, you name it, Thailand. They're burning trash in their front yard. It's not us. The worst part of what having a cat is the litter box, the smell, the mess, and constantly switching brands hoping something actually works.

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because it's, I mean, obviously we have a ton of food and we have a ton of money, but it's the food we're Eating is processed. It's processed as fuck. Poison. Go to Vietnam. You get a sandwich off the street and none of that shit's processed. That's true. Have you been to Vietnam?

Oh, you fuck yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. You're a comedy there or now? No, no, I did a travel channel show there. Oh, that's crazy. But like you look at this, you look at Eastern Africa, West Africa. Dude, that's where the pollution problem is not us.

So stop making films for white people to watch and feel guilty about their SUV. That's not the problem. The problem is that river that we're, I mean, look, Sure, we could cut back on pollution on our part. Yeah. But also, let's invade this country, whatever it's called, and go, hey, guys, let me show you what a trash can is. Like, let me show you that it doesn't go in your fucking river. They won't yell at them because it's bad optics.

You can't yell at the brown kid who's throwing a bottle in the river. They won't do it because they care more about optics than justice if we're being honest. We jump back into this with Corolla next week. But that's like I just kind of watch this David Attenborough documentary. And he's like, this is what we're doing. to ruin the planet. Right. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Cut to India where they're shit in the lake. Well, remember Carlin's bit about like the planet's been through worse? The planet's going to be just fine. You're like a plastic bag? Yeah, yeah. By the way, in China, they have so much pollution. They have screens with the sun on it so you know what it looks like. Wow.

Dude, China is wild. China? Mark says that with his son when he's on the road. There we go. He's back. China has one time zone. Whoa. For the whole, it's huge. For the whole country, they were like, no, no, no, no.

It's noon. Damn. Wait, noon's really dark for me. I know. That's your noon. My noon is the middle of the afternoon. Damn, that's crazy. Isn't that crazy?

They're wild. Do you want to hear a deep thought? I got high one time. I called Joe about this. So what if sober bird just becomes really political? Oh, my God. I love it. That would be fun.

There's a big move in comedy these things. days. I mean, I've seen it. The grift, baby. You either got to do crowdwork or lean hard right. That's true. Those are big. The grift is coming, baby. A lot of people are leaning in. Very few people do material these days. It's a lot of like, what will the fans clap at? Yep. Yeah. Or how can I get them interacting? Or how can I victimize myself? Yes. I was molested. You're like, well, where's the bit? Where's the joke? Where's the turn? I was just talking to my therapist, but sorry. Yeah. Yeah, that's why I'm glad. Like, do all the crow we want. We'll be over here and telling jokes. They have more for us.

I write stories. I have no joke. Like people go, like people yell shit out for crowdwork. And I'll do crowdworks. I'm a comedian. But I'll go, hey, guys, that's also not what I do. Yeah. Like, I'm a comedian.

Like, I write, I'm a story guy. Yeah, I'm a story guy. And so, but here's the crazy fucking deep thought. So Genghis Khan killed like 60 million people. Oh, yeah. Most of the earth. What, seven hundred years ago. Huh.

Right? Is that right? Probably. I mean, do the math. I'm close. I'm close enough that you don't need to Google it. Okay. You can Google. I thought it was less than that, but all right. Okay. 60 million. There you go. 20 to 60. Let's call it 60, so it's fun. More than Hitler, by the way. Let's do what you guys do with the Holocaust. Let's call 60 million. And then, and then. Mao is up there too. Mow might be more, but keep going.

Just keep it at Genghis Khan. Okay, okay. What's 700 years ago? 1,200, right? Con. How many? 800. How many Asians do you think there'd be? Oh, he did us a favor. Good point. I never thought of it that way. I never realized they were making up for lost time.

Yeah, I guess so. Thank God for Connie. Holy shit. It would be all Asian. It's like a Terminator movie? They send it back in time. You have to do something about the population. We would have all fucked an Asian chick by now.

Like, you would have had to. Oh, man. I'm a lot of face. I went through that face. We all do. That's more of a right of passage in a bar mitzvah. That's true. You've got to go through an Asian phase.

Good point. Can you imagine, right, procreating for 700 years, 60 million, 60 million Asian people procreating for 700 years. And you got to remember those first 300 years, you got four generations in it. World War II didn't help. Oh, yeah. A lot of d'I. Whoa. Well, we're killed.

Japanese. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, right, right, right, right. Talking about the Civil War. Who do they find about? You know, but they were slaves. Do you have to throw in a slur after the nuke mark? I mean, come on.

The nuke's not enough. It's whatever you want to go. There you go, it's getting better. It's getting better. If we were playing a game called hot and cold, I'd go. Ice cold, ice cold. Jesus Christ. All right, bleep that.

It also says Genghis Khan had an estimate of a thousand children. Whoa. Apparently, apparently every age. is related to Genghis Khan. What? Google it. Google it. I got really on a Genghis Khan run.

Nice. Yeah. You know he knew Marco Polo? Oh. Really? Could he find him in a pool, though? No, Marco Polo got lost. That's why we played the game.

That's a real game. Marco Polo got lost. And Genghis Khan and Marco Polo were boys. Like, he hung out with him and wrote a book about him or wrote about him. I swear to God. Isn't that crazy we could go? You got to save some of this for history hyenas. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. No. I'm not good enough in history. They'll correct me. Isn't it crazy to think, what was it? Thomas Jefferson and Napoleon were peers. No. Doesn't it seem like Napoleon's older?

Yeah, that's right. No, Napoleon, he was cooking, dude. So Louisiana Purchase. Yeah. Louisiana is from King Louis. Yes. Oh, you knew that. I knew that.

Well, from there. So we heard all about that. But, you know, Anne Frank and MLK are the same age. How about that? The same age? I don't know if they dated, but... No, they were born the same year. Sorry.

She didn't make it to his age, but yeah. And Barbara Walters. All born the same year. I just want all the podcast fans to know. Barbara Walters, MLK and... Wait, hold on. Start that over. Start that over.

Edit what I just set out and start that over. I want to hear this. Barbara Walters, MLK and Anne Frank all born the same year. Come on. How about that? What year? I think it's like 26 or something.

I'll look it up. She fucking crushed them. Barbara Walters. She out last the fuck out of those two. You're telling me, Anne Frank might have looked like Barbara Walters. If there's a lesson to be took from this, don't be political. Yeah, right? You're going to live longer, you know?

Oh, yeah, good point. Oh, yeah, good point. I got a great Anne Frank joke. I got an Anne Frank chunk in my new hour. Me too. Wait, can I, are they the same? I hope not. I hope not to suck.

I'll tell you mine, edit it out. Sure. Because, guys, I don't put material in podcasts. Let's just do it at dinner, though. Okay, let's do it there. Wait, pull up the United flight. They said, oh, because of Ozempic, everyone's losing weight, and they're saving a ton on gasoline. When you meet people that have been on Ozempic or Terra Zeptide, so for the average person, they see it, I think they think Amy Schumer.

And they're like, oh, is it vanity or whatever it is. Or for me, they go, oh, get it. But for the average person I'm meeting, like, I'll talk about it on stage because I get a rash on my stomach. And people come up to me like, I lost 70 pounds. and you're like, whoa. I mean, it really is, it's a band-aid to a solution the same way Zoloft is a band-aid to, like, mental health problems. It gets you out of the hole. But you got to hold on to it.

That's on you. You got to do the work. You got to get a trainer. You got to get, you have to, when you get off. It's not forever. It's not forever. It's like Zoloft. It gets you out of the things so you can get in the therapy and then hopefully get off Zoloft.

But like. Have you ever done that stuff, Zoloft? No, I'm afraid to. Good way to say. save money, though. Like, if you're eating a ton of food is expensive now. Groceries going out, it's all very expensive. So if you're not eating at all and not drinking it all, you're probably saving

a fortune. I'll tell you what's crazy is when people I've talked to that are overweight will say what do you think about the dot, dot. And I go, well, it does make, it gives you like a low grade flu. The first few weeks. Wow. Yeah, I mean, I felt physically ill for a

solid. Were you doing gigs during this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. And like coffee would make me ill. like drinking, I had to get push a drink. I had to push a drink. And I couldn't eat steak, couldn't touch steak. I couldn't eat anything I liked. Is there anything food that you crave while you're on it?

Pussy. Italian subs. Oh, that's a pretty fat guy. Italian subs were like, for whatever reason, I was like, I'm really into Italian subs. Interesting. I love an Italian sub, man. DeFarro's and Brooklyn just had that in Red Hook.

They're the best. Unreal. Need balls of Marinera? Dude, oh my God. But overweight people would say to me, yeah, but I don't want to do that. And I'm like, what, feel a little sick and then lose weight? And they're like, yeah, like, food's my joy. And you're like, yeah, but that's the problem.

Exactly. And you're like, you can't make it your joy. It's got to be fuel. No, I don't disagree. Food should be fun too. But you can handle it. You can handle it. They can't handle it.

I can't handle it. I mean, you've eaten with me. I order, I get like, I go, get me like, what are your five best apps? And then they bring them. Yeah. And then I like to razzle dazzle it. and I always get two meals because I like to, I don't, I'm going to get a healthy one and then what I want. Right.

And then, and drinking is like, you know, I drink whatever I want to drink. I never, I've never had an issue with my drinking. No one's ever told me to stop. So, you know, I party my fucking face off. And then I get on a Zen pic and I go to dinner with Leanne and I get a martini and I'm like, ooh, that tasted off. Whoa. And then I was like, and then I'm like, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to be that guy.

Murder another martini. Get a rib eye. I have a little bit of the cap and I'm like, I don't, I'm just done. Damn. Go to bed. wake up feeling great, go to the gym workout. I mean, my first, it's been since November, it's January. I'm down like almost 40 pounds.

I just had a thought. There's all these people starving in all these third world countries. We should give them OZepic. They're hungry. Ah. No, no, no, no, hold on. Mark, Mark, Mark. It's not hunger pangs they have.

They're not just like, God, I'm hungry. They're dying because they don't have food. They'll die comfortably. I know, but it's nutrition. This is Kinnisans' men. You need to go with the Ozempik is. You're going to go with the Ozambic. Why don't we just give them cocaine and then they won't want to eat?

That's not bad. And they'll be perked up. Or they'll reach you for cocaine. Instead of bags of rice, bags of Coke. For just $500 a month, you can sponsor a Cokehead child in Africa. He'll never shut the fuck up. Guys, have you tried Adderall? It cut my appetite in half.

I'm done I think we got something here. Have you ever done Adderall? Oh, my God. I live on that shit. I love it. I do concerto. Yeah, I love it. It's fun.

I live on that shit. Oh. You would love it. I know I would. It's a good time. Guess what's on the no-fly list. It's just good. It's easy.

That's where I get it. Emphetamines, basically. Really? Yeah, you should, you might get on it now that you've got the clots because you're going to need something. Well, he might not be able to take that. I definitely can't take that. 100% I can't take an amphetamine.

Margie, you might want to get on heroin. You should speed up that blood flow, sit that clock and clear a little quicker. My parents do. a baby aspirin, that's their move with a glass of wine, and they're all thinned out. No, yeah, thanks, Dr. Mark. I'm on that also. Mark's medical advice might be a good show.

Just have people in with real problems? I can't imagine your wife when you're like, baby's got a fever? Put in a cold tub. Oh, yeah. She's on her period now. You know, I keep her outside. Put the wolves at her. I used to have that in a special. Thank God you didn't come to me.

Oh, go to the river. Do some laundry. Put a rag up there. What was the baby's first word? Mark, what have you been saying to this kid? Oh, you should make their first word a racial slur. Oh, that would be fun. What you should do? What was his first word?

We'll talk later. Can I? Oh, you already said his first word? No, yeah. Okay, hold on. Can I tell you a brilliant idea? Yeah. Reach out to a brand now and sell his first word.

Whoa. And just. Blu-chew. Just Bluetooth. How fucking funny would that. That's funny. It's all you got to do, instead of going mom and daddy, because that's always their first word. Sure.

Be like Pepsi. Yeah. Pepsi. The baby just loves Shopify. It's weird. And then the baby goes their first word, hey, hey, hey, oh, look, who's talking? Pepsi. That's pretty genius.

I'm telling you. That's more of a Whitney move than me. I feel like I can see her doing that. I think his baby already talked. How old's your baby? Her baby definitely talked. That's the mom. Come on.

She's gabin. A year and a week. So he's just hit a year. Dude, sell that first word. I'll buy it. That's not bad. How much? How much?

How much? No. Free Burt. Free Burt. Free bird. Oh, shut up. That was your first word? By the way. By the way to make a poor osos bodega cat cocktail.

We got to promote the fuck out. Pull it up. For real. There was a whiskey. I mean, you're going to get fucked up off this time. Oh, yeah. It's like a long island. We found it out.

When you're back and you're ready to come back, we'll be back. I'll be back. You'll definitely be back. We know you'll be bad. I'm just worried about you. I don't like, well, yeah. Well, we're getting old. It had to end at some point.

Everybody kept saying, Burtz. Stop talking like a bird. Stop talking like a bird. You're talking like I hooked up with a dude at camp. It's not over. We can still hang out, man. That could happen.

I mean, you're going to, you're going to have to get a vice. It might be dudes like Charlie Sheen. He flipped over the menu. Do you see the duck? Of course I did. He went to dudes. I think Bert's going to be back, dude. It's either dudes or young girls.

Wait, hold on, hold on. Hang, I'm being kicked out of the club? No. What if I never drink? I went, bro. You're definitely not at a call, dude. I called the girls. I call the girls. I was on the road for like, like a month. You're on the injury reserve list right now.

Yeah, you're on the bench. Yeah. I'm like George Kettle. I blew out my Achilles. You blow your Achilles, but you're going to come back. Yeah. There you go. I'll be back. Yeah, Aaron Rogers came back. Yeah. He blew out of something, right? Achilles. Yeah. There you. I'm the first fucking play with the Jets. That was, that was, you can't write the misery of a Jets fan any funnier than that shit.

Oh. That was brutal. Yeah. Can I tell you what's, so like he gave me his number. Aaron Rogers? When you talk about selling your kids first words, his parents were genius. His name is A-A-A-R-O-N. Number one in my phone book.

Every time I look at my phone book, Aaron Rogers. Aaron Rogers. Right. And by the way, do you give some of your phone number if you won't answer their FaceTime? Because I've phacomed him so many times. Really? Was he on Ayahuasca and all that shit? No, no.

Oh, maybe I don't know. Yeah, you know what? I don't know where he was at the time. Mm-hmm. Yeah. He's an odd dude. I watch his doc. I mean, hang on.

Otter than Rogan? No. Yes, he is. I would say he is. Oh, really? I think he is softer than Joe, meaning I think Joe's more of a, like, more, Joe's more of like a...

Than an NFL player? But Joe could take a lot. He's pretty joe. I think Joe is way less stubborn and rigid than Aaron Rogers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think Joe is a far more open-minded person.

Aaron Rogers, Aaron Rogers, yeah, because he stopped talking to his family. Oh, is that right? I didn't know that. I think they were selling secrets. Yeah, I mean, I don't think that's related to all the other shit, though. I think he is probably a complicated guy, but, yeah. I bet he is. I mean, when I met him, he was like an open book.

Really? I mean, he showed up in our tour bus with wet hair, like out of the shower, and we had cameras on. Were you with us? I don't think so. I remember that. He had cameras on. And he was like, yeah. And he just spilled the beans.

Like, I mean, like, everything was everyone was wondering what he was going to do and leave the Packers. Yeah. And what was happened with Jordan Love? And he, I mean, he talked like an open book in front of the cameras. And I was like, hey, can we turn the cameras off? And he was like, yeah, sure, turn him off. Whoa. And I think he just knew, you're not going to post this.

You're not going to post any of this. He's got a conspiracy guy, too. I don't think he would have minded, though. He seems to talk and he wants it to be out there. I don't think he gives a fuck. I wish I didn't give a fuck. Like, I do give a fuck, you know? Like, I care.

I wish I didn't. Yeah, but that's going to get you in trouble if you don't care. Uh-oh. As Aaron Rogers. Oh, shit, what if it is Aaron? Oh, you got to answer it. Oh, boy. What is that ringer, dude?

That's so gentle. Yeah, boomer. Oh, it's the co-star of my show. Is it Arden? It's Arden. Arden. We're with Mark. Hey, Arden.

Hi. Hi. How are you, Mark? Good, good to see it. I just, I just saw the billboard. Hey. Here, I'll give you the camera. Oh, shit, okay, okay, I'm going to turn it around.

Okay. We got to wait for it because it rotates. It's, okay, I'm going to wait. We got to wait for it. Okay. Okay. She's beautiful. Very nice.

She's so great. She's good. Here we go. Raisy resume. I'm seeing it. Here we go. Can you see her? I'm so old school.

No, I love it. Time Square, baby. I'm showing you the camera. Okay, can you see? I see it. No, I see it, but I don't see the billboard. Okay, it's coming. It's coming.

It's great podcasting. Clip this out. Okay, wait, it's coming. Just speed this up and just cut to the, just cut right to the billboard. It's got to rotate. It's going to show eight other shows, Kardashians, and the rip.

Marcello Anthony has a special. Hernandez. You can mind Carmel. Hello Anthony and Marcella right there. No, this is just as good. I think the anticipation. Okay, wait, right, right. Oh, shit, I'm getting kicked off Wi-Fi.

Oh, good move. Guys, feel free to Google Bird's Billboard if this isn't working for you. Yeah, can we pull it up? Okay. Hey, nephew. I'm in a podcast. Just take a picture and send it to me. Congratulations.

Okay. Hey, that's a big boy. Oh, can I tell? It's just one in general. I see. So wait, so wait, can I tell you? what's crazy about that billboard. So my special,

do you know this story? So my special, Hey, Big Boy, came out March 20th, March 17th, 2020. Oh,

wow. Stay-at-home orders are March 13th. So that special performed pretty well. Wow. It was. That's what changed our careers.

We did out YouTube specials that came out around those. In 2020. Yeah, so. And that billboard went up March 17th. Mark North

North North. Oh, I took that photo, I think. It was up for like three months. Yeah. Because they didn't change the billboards. Because it was a ghost town. You didn't get the foot traffic. I remember you, like, texted me.

Yeah. Dude, your billboards still up. That's it. I didn't get any foot traffic. Yeah. Wow. But that was a great time for content because people were just consuming the shit out of everything. Can we just celebrate Mark for a second?

Oh, geez. I was talking about like old school Mark, right? Like the like push around Mark. Like when you could go, hey, we're drinking. and Mark was so young in comedy. He'd be like, okay, all right. Not saying that it's changed a ton, but like when we went to Ireland,

that trip to Europe, if I twist his arm, he'll fucking, he'll get in. Yeah, pretty easy to push over. That trip to Europe, Europe, we got him addicted to Ambien. Yeah, that's right, with Mans. Yeah, we got him addicted to Ambien. We drank our faces off.

I mean, our faces off. Do you remember that? Yes, does a photo be on a plane like this? And you took it. And, I mean, just the... We held him down. There's one, and when we were in Ireland, He had a pimple on his back, and we held him down.

There's a video of that somewhere. And we popped it. And he was like, g-h-h-h-h-h! Like, screaming. That was wild. That was at the Vickers Street. Then we all pull our asses out on stage. Remember that with St. Torres?

Cowhead came over? Cowhead, yeah. We told us crazy stories, and then we did, you puked at the airport almost. Remember that at like 7 a.m. in, like, Copenhagen. You were, only you saw it. It was bad. It was bad. I was trying to murder a beer.

I wasn't that bad. In the middle of the airport bar. People were recognizing him. I was at the bar. A guy recognized me. Mark's talking to him. And I murder my beer. And I go, oh, it's coming back up.

And I go, mm. Yeah, that's what I was like, this guy's got a problem. Mark did you have a piece of gum. And he goes, and real quick, he goes, I have a toothpick. And I put a toothpick in my mouth. I was like, can I tell you the thing? I was, I don't know. I was saying to someone.

And I was like, so like, I've known you guys since you were young. Yeah. Like, I'll say you guys. you guys and Gillis, right? Yeah. You've known us longer, for sure. I've known, I've known you. I've known you.

Oh, you guys did it. Yeah, dude, I had so much fun. I remember, no, and Hartford, Connecticut. And I remember being like, I love this guy. He's, dude, Bert, I was selling T-shirts. You know, you're trying to make money as a young comic as a feature. And, uh, Bert put gay porn in my merch bag. And I was like, I like this.

There's like instant like this guy. That's great. I get jealous when I see you guys on the road with your openers. And I go, I wish that was me. Yeah. Because it's fun. It's fun to make your crew, right? You guys both toured with me when I was doing theaters and doing arenas and stuff,

and you've been on the road with me. And you got to see my path up. And then now you guys are all blowing up. And I really am jealous that I don't get to witness it, that I don't get to be a part of it, and then I don't get to celebrate it with you guys. I remember you FaceTime me from your tour bus. You were like, mine's bigger. Like you guys are all going to the garden this weekend for,

I'll go tomorrow. I'll pop into an after party or something. I can't, like, I'm not, I'm missing all of this. I feel like, I feel like, you know, the dudes I, I know we all didn't start together, but the dudes I came up with, all the guys that are blowing up right now, I get really bummed that I don't get to, like, witness at first hand. Come to New York and hang out, man. And that was the beauty of fully loaded.

It was like a bus full of like Big J. Soder, Stavros, Santino, Barbosa. I still remember Bobby Lee falling off the top bunk and busts. I was so bummed. I was so pumped to hang with Bobby. Oh, he was pumped. Yeah. You want to talk to... I remember everyone just making jokes on the thread,

not realizing that he was, like, in the hospital. Canaan's jumping in, like, oh, shit. And then it's like, no, he's in the hospital. Mark made the first joke. What was it? Oh, I don't remember. If you think he had an Asian... It's not an Asian before.

I remember the word being in there for some reason. I'm sure it's on the comments. Yeah, fully the other was a fucking blast. I can't... I can't afford you guys anymore. As fun. I'll fucking do that in a second. No, no, no.

It's because I don't I go through agents and like because it's the right thing to do. I don't want to call you guys. I texted you. Yeah. When we were doing the cruise. I did the first cruise. And I said, I texted Mark and I was like, I don't want to. Your fucking manager demanded an answer the day I was puking into a toilet.

And I was like, I was like, can you just wait until tomorrow? She goes, no. And I was like, well, then it's a no. I'm puking. I can't fucking commit to the, you know. I can't argue that. No, you're right. I wanted to do it.

I texted Mark and I was like, I want you to know. I want you on this cruise. I don't want. I don't want offers coming and you think I buy, I was like, I'm happy for you. But I just, I can't afford you. And I want you to know that I'm, like, excited that that's your quote. But, like, I can't like. That was a very nice text.

But, like, it's, you know, it's such a bummer. I wish we did it for charity or something. So, like, I wish there was a way to do it. So it was favorite. I wish Lewis ran it. So everyone did it for $700. Like, Jesus Christ. Lewis told me, I go, I go, how do you get so much people out there?

He goes, I don't talk to their agents. Yeah. He goes, I don't give him anything. No, he just texts you homo. And then again and again, no, we did Allegiance on Monday and we got a whole lot. Well, Bert's coming to town, but he's not doing any podcast. We're like, yeah, yeah, he's not doing any pods. Yeah, he told me to ask you about that.

He's like, he said you couldn't do the pod because it would look bad for the show. Free Bert. I didn't say that. But I, we figured that's what it was. No, absolutely. Yeah. Well, they offered me Monday. I flew in Monday.

I didn't, I couldn't get there Monday night. I was doing this and I was doing, I was already booked up. Big Jay hit me up, what, like, fucking Sunday. And he was like, hey, are you going to be in town to do stuff? We got Monday, we got Tuesday, we got Wednesday. And I was like those, or Thursday. But it's all like, it's bomb fire. Legion of Skanks was Monday.

I would have loved to have done Legion of Skacks. Ah, well, we'd filled in. I would have fun of all three of us. Yeah, I would have loved to have done it. But I, I, by the way, it's also like, I am dealing with, like, subtle health issues that I'm trying to, like, get my head around. Yeah. So, like, say no to shit if you're not feeling up to it.

Yeah. Yeah. So I love seeing you, but we also could just fucking hang out. Like, if you're not up to shit. I don't want to ever feel like, I don't want anyone to feel like I'm blowing them off. Like, Bobby, Bobby called me last night, and I saw a call from,

yeah, and I was like. By the way, the hero, Bobby Kelly, you heard this story? About him rescuing the fat check, yeah. No,

I haven't heard that. Was she fat? I don't know. It's when I hear the story. He helped Yamanika? No, he fucking, a girl was drowning in Costa Rica, and he swam out.

By the way, this is so, I love, Mark, he liked the post, and he didn't read it. I have no idea what you're talking about. I have no idea.

And it came up, like by Mark Norman. It's a long post by Bobby Kelly saying he swam out to a steep drop off. He heard a girl screaming for her life. And he swam out and was like, he was like, I was a lifeguard back in the day. So I knew the training. Like don't pull on to me. But I'm going to. That actually tracks for Bobby, in my opinion.

Totally. And he fucking saved this girl's fucking life. And you know he became a lifeguard just to get pussy. Totally. Yeah. Oh, yeah. By the way, Ozempic might have saved her life. You're right.

No, he got like a surgery. He didn't. Oh, he got lap band. He got lap band. But there he is. Look at that. Whoa. Well, the stereotype is.

That was horrible, Bobby. Wow, good for you, Bobbo. Dude, he risked. He could have died. Like, it was that fucking... They say, if you're on a life card, don't try to rescue a drowning person. That's how...

What's his name died from fucking... The O. Hugsable. Yeah. Really? How Markham Jamal Warner died. That's how he died? In Costa Rica. Because the waters are so bad there,

and Bobby risked his fucking life and saved a girl. Whoa. I'm a very strong swimmer. I bet. However, I almost drowned in a triathlon. Jeez. Yeah, I was, I was, dude, I dove in. I'm flying.

I mean, I'm looking around and I'm touching the toes of the leader of the race. I'm looking over, and people are swimming sideways, and I'm like, I'm in, I'm number two right now. I was like, I can't believe I'm, I know I'm a good swimmer, but I'm not like that good. I grew up swimming on swim teams, but I'm like, not that good. I get to the buoy and I do this move I had seen online because I'd watch a lot of terrible dry out of videos. And it's like where you flip over like this on your stomach and then do the turn. And I was like, fuck it.

Bang out the turn. I think I'll come in second place. I bang out the turn and a dude swims over my stomach. And all of a sudden I slow down and a hundred people swim on top of me. Whoa. And they're like. And they had said, if you feel like you're drowning, just wave over one of the guys on the paddleboard their rescue.

And my ego wouldn't let me wave them over. Because I was like, hold on. I've been in bad water before, like, you know, surfing and stuff. I was like, this is not going to kill me. I can float on my back. And I floated on my back. I floated on a black. It was a large one.

It's the opposite of Bobby story. Sorry, I'm fucking. That's all right. You guys are doing too many podcasts. And he's hung over. I'm hung over as shit. And so I grab this black. I get on top of him and then I ride him into shores.

I told him, I was like, there's, uh, they're free, what do you call it? Free Willie. Free Willie. No, but the girl, I literally got on my back and, like, floated, caught my breath, started swimming in, and my daughters were there and they're like, did you almost drown? Whoa. And I was like, yeah, I almost said. They're like, we watched it.

You almost died. Holy hell. So, like, Bobby doing this, you clearly must have been. No, he wrote how scary it was and how, uh, her instinct is to, like, grab him. He's like, you grab me, you'll pull me down and we'll both die. He had to explain it when he was like, a few feet out of a... Okay, okay, hold on.

Dude, there we go. You can grab me. Okay. Dead! You grab me? We're both going to fucking down. Good for Bobby. Let me tell you something, okay, Bert?

It's heroic, though, dude. The top comment was, what? Yeah. The top comment was, grab my hand, dude. So what do you do? You just hold her arm and pull her?

Like, how do you do it? So you're supposed to flip them on their back and then put your arms underneath their arms and sidekick. Oh, hopefully he didn't touch her hair. Just grab her by the hair. Yeah. All you see is a video of. Bobby just fucking ragdolling some black chick by braids.

Get the fuck up here, Dad. Now he's in trouble. God damn it. And you can't really hear his other people. Another conversation is closer to the camera. You're not allowed in the ocean, dude. These are our beaches. Now, how do the daughters feel about the show?

It's basically about them. Yeah, they tried to kill it. What? Come on. Get out of here. They're not going to ruin their dad's work. they were pissed about it? Why were they pissed about it?

They were like, you can't use our names. And I was like, because they were like that for the movie. And I always thought it hurt the movie that I couldn't use my daughter's names and Sasha and something else for the movie. And so I was like, no, I'm using your names. I gave you those names. I've talked about it in seven specials. Like the cat's out of the bag.

And they're like, yeah, but you don't understand we're real people and people are going to watch this and think we did that. And I was like, it's not real life. It's a fictionalized version of real life and then and then they watched the pilot and there's a scene in the first episode where at the dinner table where I've kind of fucked up royally and And they and they and they watched it and it's hysterical and they were like all right. We're in and I was like if that's how you portray us like We're fucking lighting you up nonstop and I was like yeah, that's how our real family was all right and so yeah, they love it now I love that and remember in Louis he just made his wife black for season two? I So crazy.

For no reason. She was a different woman in season when he's like, yeah, she's black now. Fresh Prince did it. What's so funny, I wanted to make... They were both black. That's true. I wanted to make the therapist black.

Because there's a therapist in this. Spoiler alert. He says, maybe it's your mama. What's the... That's good. It's the worst joke I've ever made. I love it. Like how d'u's bad.

You're doing your mama jokes. All right. So you got an N-word therapist. We really scraping the... We're really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Bert, we're sorry. Come on, you got it, Diamond Dallas. Keep it coming.

By the way, I was a barbecue restaurant in Nashville. Did you ever think maybe I just wore this outfit as a rodeo clown for the comments? Just go, hey, Burke didn't listen to Bert. Look at this fucking asshole. I can take the clothes off. Dallas Buyers Club if he didn't get AIDS. So I don't know what were we talking about.

Oh, your show with the girls. Your daughters. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the black therapist. Black therapist. And then they were like, it was the principal of the school is black. And they're like, and in scenes, I'm with the principal and the therapist. And they go, I think it's too confusing. They're going to think they're married or related?

Like, so I was like, all right, let's make them white. Because it was like, you need people to see things. TV show quickly and identify it. Yes. And I wanted that kid. I think he's gay. He does our specials every week.

He's a comic. Josh Johnson. He's not gay. Not gay. Oh. Yeah, I know. I wanted him. He's good.

He comes out with a lot of material. It just doesn't come out, you know. Sam is on fire. God damn it. At the fucking buzzer. You really fucking drain him into the third quarter. I have to make up for some of these earlier. No, I thought he was.

I thought he was gay. But I thought it would be cool to have him as, like, the therapist. I thought from that perspective, it would be fun talking to me. But they were like, you know, it's too confusing. Right. He'll be glad to know he missed out on this role duty of racism. No, he was offer only. Oh, okay.

He was like, I'm not reading for it. And I was like, oh, dang. That's cool. Yeah, well, I mean, it makes the process a lot quicker. Yeah. I was like, we're not going to hire you. No one's ever seen you act, so I'm not going to hire you. Like, I wanted him, but he was like, I only do offers.

And I was like, that's totally cool. I wanted to read with him. Bird, text him, listen, Homo. Do the fucking roll. I wanted him to do it because I was like, I thought it would be good, but I wanted to read with him and see if our energy was good. I don't know. I've only seen him online.

I think he's really funny. Couldn't be nicer. Really smart. Smart. And his energy is a little softer. So I thought that perspective versus me as a little frat boy. But I definitely wanted us to read together. It's funny, man.

People who do offer only, it's basically a way of just turning it down. I might start doing that because I've auditioned for 9,000 things. I've never gotten one. Don't do offer only. Okay. I'll tell you what, the people who weren't offer only that are famous, you're like,

fuck, bring them in. Oh, really? I can't say it because I'm telling you who didn't get the role. I can only say it about Josh, I think he's a comic, he didn't really, I'm hoping he does.

No, he's fine. I think he's a cool guy. But like, I'll tell you, there were actresses. Did he send him those flowers in an apology for not a... I think he's great, man.

I would love to have had him. Yeah. I would have fired the other black person to get him. him. Look at him smiling. But no, but like as far as the wife goes, we got the list, and the

list is like five pages long. Of Lianne. People work on Lian. And you get like big fucking names. There were big names that were like you're willing to read. I'll give you the names and then you just believe them out. People need work. Fucking fucking

from fucking What? I'll obviously. I'll read with you. I was like, I'll fucking read with her. How do you not go with her? her. I mean, she's so hot. Ah. So you're at a certain

and by the way, bleep even fucking out because it sounds really shitty. Like, be careful with this. Just make it sound like I don't, I'm not outing anyone. But like, but like Josh Johnson.

Josh Johnson's cool. He's a good guy. No, that would have been cool though. She's hot. But yeah, and she's beautiful and she's wildly talented. And then like, dude, some of the people were like,

you're willing to read and they're like, yeah, man, I'm an actor. And then some people were like, you would never fucking hire them and they're like offer only and you're like okay good to know hard pass like uh the fucking I'm gonna say it just believe it

not the hot one her fucking fat friend I never watched the show I don't know who that is uh that one go back that one no go yeah oh she's by the way she's not fat she's fucking hot what you're talking she's big remember edit around all these fucking names

Wait, wait, have you never seen f***? Yeah, I don't like her. I don't give a fuck. But have you seen f***? No. What? Great show. It's one of the best comedies of all the time.

Even edit the name of that show. This is so dangerous. No, no, but, it's all right. Fucking watch that show. I'm not gonna, but, you know, when you go off. That's fine, but you should still fucking watch that show. It's one of the best shows ever.

Real? Yeah. It's fucking brilliant. Even edit her name out. Just bleep all of what sounds like we're saying the N-word. I know, but dude, you should watch that show. Where do you get fat? God damn it.

Oh, sorry. Just be careful with this. I don't want to get fucking sued. This is fascinating. Who keeps him coming? It was, you know what's, you want it's really crazy? So the guy who plays Landon, his name's Chris Wittisaki. Whatisaki.

And if you, I'm with Saki, I'm sure I'm saying it wrong. He's the guy in the progressive commercials where they're like, are you turning into your dad? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. hysterical. I don't know. So this is... You'll recognize him. You'll recognize him in a second.

All right. So what about him? Just type in Chris with Saki. Oh, his father was Saki Saki $5. Just type in free bird cast. I'm slipping. Wait, what did you say?

You got it right there. That's not worth repeating. Some japs of a... Official commercial to the right. To the right. Bottom to the right. Bottom to the right. To the right. To the right. To the right. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

This fella. That's not it. Go back. That's it. This guy. Yep, yep, yep. So the guy who was supposed to play his role in the pilot like bailed at the last minute. And he's like, yeah, I got something else. I got a paid gig. And this guy showed up as a favor to a friend. He's like, yeah, I'll do it. Like scale, whatever. It's a few lines. So he comes in, does it. And then the show gets picked up.

And then we have to think of a plot for the show. Because I didn't want it to be episodic. I didn't want every episode. to be solved. Like, the Christian family needs a birthday cake. Oh, they get a new dog. Like, I start watching those and I just go, I watch three and I go, I'm done. I got it. Unless it has to be wildly hysterical like flyers or flyers or tires.

Or tie. Great show. You should have seen. Well, no. That was episodic back then. It made sense because it was once a week. But when you air six. I get it.

No, no, no. When you do six, if you give me like 10 episodes of episodic, I'm not going to watch all 10. but if you give me black doves Have you seen that? No. Have you seen slow horses? No. I love slow horses.

So in the end of the first episode of Slow Horses did you not look Did you not look around the room and go I'm watching fucking all of these? Yeah, yeah. So I said to Netflix when I pitch a show I said I wanted to be like slow horses and black doves I want it where you watch the first episode

at the end of the first episode, the very last words that come out of my mouth you say I'm into this character and I want to follow his journey. So I want you to binge all six. Yeah. So it's a story. arc through the six. He's the only guy who farts more than Norman on fucking camera.

Really? Gary Oldman. Yeah. Oh, really? Oh, he's the best. He farts through it. That's Slow horses and black doves are fucking I gotta watch black dubs. Slow horses is phenomenal. Slow Horses might be, I mean, the best series I've ever seen in mind. It's a great spy show, but it's also funny as shit. And what it does, Mark, and this is what I attempted to do. And I think if you watch

the first episode, the last words out of my mouth, you're absolutely going to go, I'm watching episode two. Okay, I'll check it out. Because that's, I, we're going to check it out anyway. I wanted it to be an arc. So we do the pilot, right? We have the kind of the pilot locked in. And then we go, well, what's the arc of the story?

What's the six episode arc? And we came up with this plot of a story that I had, I had a friend that it, I knew a guy who had it happened in his family. And so I made that the plot line. Yeah. And in doing that, this character from episode one that was just doing a favor became very integral to the plot.

So this guy, Chris, shows up to Atlanta to shoot what he thinks is probably a couple days, like clean up the pilot, and he's in every fucking episode. And he's like, oh. And he's like, have you read the script? And he was like, no, why? I was like, you should. And then he comes over to my room.

He's like, dude, I'm in every episode. And we're like, oh yeah, you're in every episode. It changes is everything. And he's like, holy shit. So like all of a sudden, this story that was supposed to be about this family became this bigger story about the school and about the girls and about kids and like I did like lean into wild favors I got Pac-Man Jones and and and T-Pain I had pain go I was like dude can we use your house to shoot

and he was like yeah so we shoot at T-Pain's house with it's but but yeah I wanted it to be like slow horses or black dubs so that by the end of the first episode it carries through wow now let me ask you because we've pitched a million he had a show with Brian Cox that didn't go. Well, we're working on finance. No, I think I could still go. It's just fucking been two years. It's like, I got fucking Brian Cox, and we're like, he loves it.

It doesn't matter. It's crazy, right? Give us the pitch. In the room, I mean, you already have a relationship with Netflix, but did you have to really sell it, razzle-dazzle, make it work, shirtless, something? So initially what I said, I went in, I went in, it was a bigger team at the time. It's a little bit of a different team. And like I said, I want to say it was like two years ago.

It was a while ago. These things take forever. Forever. And I said, I brought Leanne with me. Oh, dead weight. Oh, you have no idea. Oh, yeah. Because if I, Leon is so married to the fucking truth.

Yeah. But if I tell a little bit of an exaggeration, she goes, that's not what happened. And I go, fucking stop it. Shut up. We're in a fucking pitch meeting. We're trying to sell a fucking project, okay? Come on, you yappy boy. I don't sound like that.

And so, but it ends up working because they think it's hysterical. And what they're witnessing is the relationship of the white. I didn't realize that. Right. So I told them we had just binged. And people lose their mind when she comes out on stage. They love her. They love her.

People like her more than they like me. And they barely fucking know her. She is awesome. I love Liam. She is awesome. Huge whore. That's an old comeback. Real quick, when I was on the hospital bed

and I'm clearly I'm diagnosed with blood clots and lungs. But you're going to be fine. She starts giggling and I go, what? And she goes, baby, I'm going to be in this hospital one day. and you'll be dying. And I cannot fucking imagine

what a nightmare you're going to be then. I was like, oh, that's true. She's gonna be with me the day I'm dying. Yeah, you're right. One day I'll be in there

and it won't be funny. And she'll be like, this is going to be a long fucking day. Anyway, so we go into Netflix. We go into Netflix. I bring Leanne and we had just binged slow horses and we had just started

Black Doves. And at the end of the episode of the first episode of Black Doves, I realized what these series were doing was they were hooking me in the first episode. And I was like and I was like I want to do I want to do a show about my family and they're like we'd love to I said I want to do a show about the period of my life 2016 when I kind of lost everything and like I got fired from travel channel

Leanne was I didn't have any money coming in I got kicked off the funny or die tour all of that was the impetus for my career trajectory because all those things were my driving factors to get me to the next level is like fuck funny or die doesn't want me on oddball I'll create my own festival. You guys don't want to book me at your club? I'll sell my own tickets. You want to, like, everything was like, fuck this, I'll do it my own way. You want to kick me off Travel Channel? I'll start my podcast. I'll lean into it. I'll get my own ad sales.

I'll make more than I made a Travel Channel. And so these were all those moments. But there was a tremendous identity crisis that happened at the, in like, from November, probably September, October, November, and December until things kicked up January 8th, right? January 8th, my life started changing. Last year. 2016. Oh, oh, geez.

2016. And so I said, it's all about this. And I said, but I go, I need you to think of that. I want to watch this trajectory of this man from his lowest, where he's lost and confused. And then he finds himself, but he fucks up the whole way, loses himself, and then rediscovers himself. But I go, but I want it to be like black doves. And they're like, what? And I go, I want it to be like black dubs.

I want it to be like slow horses. I don't want to do episodic where it's like a sitcom about the Chrysier family. I go, I want it to be a serious story. I want it to be kind of like crazy. I want it to have heart. I want it to be like funny as fuck. But I want it to be this man's journey. I want you to, I want the first episode you go, look at your wife and you go, I'm watching the whole fucking series.

Yeah. And at the time they weren't doing that. They were doing like Leanne Morgan show and tires, which is all episodic. And so I was like, and they hadn't really thought of like a comedy that way. I don't think. I know they didn't because they said to me at the premiere, Andy Wheel came up and he was like, you know, when you pitch this show, you pitch me black dubs. and I thought you're out of your fucking mind. And he goes, I just watched the first episode with this room.

And he goes, everyone was going like, dude, they're playing another one, right? And he goes, we made what you wanted to make. I love the idea they think you lost your mind. You're like, dude, it's my family, but mind hunter. And they're like, what the fuck? But you have to, like, you know, the one thing I learned in like losing everything in 2016

and having nothing and being terrified of like what my career is going to be. I did, I did Oxnard Levity Live. I got paid $25,000 and I was like, nice, for New Year's Eve. Maybe 250 people showed up throughout the weekend. They lost so much money that I remember driving back to L.A. going, I'm fucked. This year's going to be bad. It's going to be really bad. People are going to lose money on me, and I'm going back to fucking $1,500 a week.

I don't remember. We worked together 2016-17? Yeah, I don't remember. 2016, I got fired from Travel Channel. Tom was fat-shaming me. My special did not perform on Showtime at all. Oh, Showtime. Yeah, and I got kicked off Funny or Die because they just tried to save money.

Damn. And they were like, just get rid of him. They didn't, I didn't have a hotel or flight or anything. I was getting paid $2,000 a weekend to host for Funny or Die. Whoa. And I was like, I was like, I'm fucked. I remember I did, I would do a club and no one would show up. And I was like, I'm fucked.

I'm fucked. And then two really big things happened. The machine story went viral. and Tom and I did the fat shaming and we weighed in on Rogan. And when I weighed in on Rogan, I started noticing, I started noticing in trends

that, like, they were spiking. And I was like, whoa. And then I started tracking other people spike. And then I discovered a show called Hot Ones, reached out to that host. And I was like, dude, I'd love to do your show. And then Sean hit me up. He's like, we're getting, letting comedians come on.

I did Hot Ones in 2017. Whoa. But I started really taking control of my career. So over October was it. So October was the following year. There you go. Yeah. And so.

But it was like, it was like when you really, it was like, when you really just want to take charge of things. And so that's what I wanted the series to be about is about a guy getting back and losing himself. Like that losing yourself is so important. It's terrifying. I remember, I've said this before, but I'll say it again. I remember, but it's, I don't think you've heard it. When I got kicked off oddball, I know they didn't call. It's just like a fucking email.

And they're like. And that's, for people that don't know, it's a. big comedy festival. It was like the stamp of approval I don't know if people know what it is. No, I think you're right. It was big in the moment. Like Hannibal, Schumer, Aziz. It was thine private everywhere.

Yeah. It was like Louis, Dane, fucking Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle. It was huge. Kevin Hart. It was everyone. And then I got put on and they're like, yo, we got you on oddball. And you know, like things like that

for us, like Montreal or Aspen or Oddball, just the offer is like, Oh, it's like, yeah, I'm in the mix. It feels good. And it was $2,000 a week for the weekend. No hotel, no, no flight. But I'm like, yo, I'm on oddball, right? And I remember I got kicked off and I called Tom and I said, dude, I'm not doing oddball.

And he was like, well, yeah, they're pulling dates. He's like, you got to get your money anyway. I was like, what? And he goes, they pulled some of my dates, but I'm going to get paid for it. Fuck them. And I was like, really? And he goes, dude, that's too much money. And I went, that's $2,000.

And he goes, you're getting paid $2,000. show i said no a week and i go oh and he goes whoa and i said wait what are you getting paid and and by the way this is you know 2016 this is a long time ago with me and tom and he's like i don't know if i want to tell you oh god and i was like wait what are you getting paid and he's like why don't want it to fuck up you know our friendship oh boy you're getting more than two thousand dollars a week and he goes substantially and so i sat there and i said hold on a second and i literally sat and I thought, okay, I want my friend to succeed, obviously. Obviously I do. I've always wanted my friends to succeed. I want to succeed too, but I'm not going to be mad if someone blows up. I go,

okay. So in my head, I go, what number am I cool with him receiving? And I was like, all right, like, $2,200. I said, I said, like $20,000 a weekend, maybe $15,000 a weekend, $15,000 weekends, okay. I go, dude, I love you, and I want you to succeed. And I knew he wanted to buy a house. And I go, how much money are getting paid? And he goes, 20,000. And I went, okay, that's not bad. And he goes, a show. And I went, ooh.

Well, he had that hot Netflix special back in the day. Wild. Yeah. Wild. I mean, all his specials have been fucking incredible. But he was, it was at that moment that I realized where I was in this business, like, where my footing was, what my respect level was. I remember we did, you were at a fully loaded forest hills, right?

Yeah. And we did force loaded full. Hill, whatever, you know what I mean. Yeah, and he's not drinking. It was a crazy show. It was a wild show. The lineup was insane. Gillis, yeah, we went swimming after.

Yeah. It was awesome. It's when we found out Gillis is part manatee. That guy. He can hold his breath forever. He's like Michael Phelps, but fat. Crazy. Dude, he should have been in Bobby's position.

Yeah. Smooth. He could have rescued McCusker's whole family. And so... If it was an Asian girl, it could have really got some goodwill back. Yeah, no joke on the black chick joke, huh? Okay. Oh, I didn't hear it.

I missed it. Okay. Sorry. I guess Mark tells him and doesn't listen to him. I had an Asian joke. We had so much racism going out of Lonsford. I'm sorry. Hey, don't worry about my go.

Pull it back up. Anyway, anyway, we get done and there's reps there from all the big. You know, it's New York, so, yeah, E.G. Everyone's out there. Everyone's out there to come, you know, see what happens. It's a big venue. It's an iconic venue. The lineup is fucking sick.

Gillis, Nikki Glazer, me, you, Stavi. I mean, it's a crazy. fucking line up. Stavi, not a great swimmer. Sank like a stone. Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry. The Greeks. So someone at one of the companies goes, this is incredible, man. Congratulations. And I was like, thanks. And they're like, no, no, no. You sold out Forest Hills. Like, what?

They're like, what made you want to do this? And I looked. You know when you just say things and you don't mean it, but you don't, you mean it, but you didn't think about it. And I go, no one would ever invite me to do this. And they were like, what? I go, I put this on because no one would ever invite me. me to do this. I never got invited to do

these, so I made my own. And they were like, oh. You're like the girl that people didn't know is hot. I guess. You're in high school. You're like, you know, like with her. And then you're like, no, I had to like figure it out. Dude, there are some, those sleep. Was that a bad. No, no, no, that's a great analogy. You're more the fat chick who's funny.

I like Sam's better. Oh, okay, okay. No, but you know the girl. I think Bert's a hot lady, dude. You know the girl like you work with at like a restaurant and then all of a sudden you're like, I'm not into her. And then you kind of catch side tit and you're like she got amazing tits yeah and then you see her ankles you're like dude she's

fucking and then she smokes she's got a dick and you're like I'm still into it I'm give a shit it's about DeRosa but yeah I think my whole fucking my whole energy has always been push us push a rock uphill damn I didn't know this because we worked together in Ireland and you were selling out stuff so I was like

this guy's cooking that was 2018 probably 2017 shit changes quickly it was definitely 2018 well I mean look now you're doing arenas you got the specials you got a fucking free Burt is on Netflix. Yeah. Watch free Bert.

Now I can't wait to see. The greatest night of my life. Go see. Look at that. Look at that. Look at the hell was that. And go see Bert on the road. Bert, where are you going to be on the road?

I got, I'm at the Beacon Theater April 23rd, 24th, and 25th. The best. Oh, dude. What a room. I'm definitely going to get a catch one. When you die in a week, I mean, this is going to be quite a flashing before your eyes. You're going to see so much cool shit.

I'll tell you, man, when light flashes before your eyes, when you sit there. If he was drunk, he would have giggled it then. No, no, no. Well, it's like just happened. It just happened where I was sitting there and I was like, and you go, dude, I've lived a fucking crazy. No one, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, you work hard. No, no, when I was, like, if I was in, if you met me in college, oh, I see.

You'd be like, he's invincible. You'd be like, no, that guy, that guy fucking didn't do, he didn't study, he never went to class. Right. He just fucking smoked weed, took his shirt off, fucking dicked around, didn't do shit. You were Van Wilder. Yeah, and so, and now here I am. And here you are, sober, leather pants. Career's over.

TV show. TV show. I'm leaning into the TV show. By the way, please, I'll do a stand-up pose. When we post the picture of the three of us, just have fun in the comments. Yeah, oh, you know they will. Oh, yeah. Leather pants, boots and that shirt.

I got, I'm at Tampa. I'm in Tampa. I'm in Tampa at the Benchmark Arena. Hometown boy makes good. I'm in Duluth. I'm in the Sanger Theater in Pensacola. Oh, that's a chain. Another show at the Sanger Theater in Pensacola, Albany, Albany, Boston, Massachusetts.

We're doing a run of shows at... Oh, that's going to be fun, but... At the Wang. At the Wang. That's a great room. Yeah. Yeah, I got Daytona Beach. Oh, oh, fully...

Oh, my God. Full throttle. What's this? Dude. teamed up with NASCAR to put on the party the night before the Daytona 500. Me, Diplo, Ernest. and Leonard Skinnerd. Who's Ernest?

Can I tell you a great... Goes to camp? No, you don't know Ernest? No. Ernest P. Worrell? So there's a group of... There's a group of... So in Nashville it's writing's very big.

Like the writing community. So these great writers will all sit around and they'll write an album for like Morgan Wallen. And then Morgan Wan will play those songs and then have a hit tour, hit album, and all those artists make money off. It's like if a comic, a big comic, brought four comics to sit in the back

and help write his act. And then he said, once this act goes out on Netflix, we're all going to get a cut of the Netflix money. Sure. That's what they do. And Ernest is, if not, one of the top songwriters in all of Nashville. And he is one of the funniest guys in the world.

Like quickest, funniest, just an amazing fucking talent, but best hang. Dude, you guys need to... Why are you still looking up Ernest goes to fucking jail after we said a one... You guys should go to Nashville. to do a run of they might be drunk, we might be drunk,

and whatever it is, they might be giants. And you should do a run and hang out with some of these Nashville guys. They are the fucking best. Okay. So, this is the story we'll end on.

I'll try to tell a funny story because I know that's what podcast wants. Diplo Ernest yourself. And yeah, so we're getting ready to close a deal with NASCAR. Okay. Go to the Daytona 600.

You know, we'd love to partner and dot, da, dot, and, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's, you know, it's a little, Burt, beyond your best behavior. So we're leaving. And all I got to do is get in the car and go home. Uh-uh.

We're going to partner. Big, Leonard Skinnerd, it's going to be huge. Diplo's closing out with ADM, what's the EDR? EDM. EDM, redneck EDM. It's going to be fucking wild. All I got to do is get in the elevator and get the fuck out. Yeah.

Walk down the hall and there's like a, A fucking 13-year-old boy comes out of this room with his mom. And he sees me and he goes, Oh, the machine! And I'm like, what's up, dude? And everyone's like, oh, cool, recognize you. And he goes, dude, can I get a picture? And I go, yeah, sure, of course.

And he's like, can you take the shirt off? I was like, yeah, I'll take the shirt off. So I take my shirt off. I got like nine people behind me. Space has got the same story with a 13-year-old boy. Put my arm around him. I got my arm around this child. And then, uh, uh, uh,

His mom is like my age. He gives his mom his camera, and his mom's like, who are you? Oh, boy. And I just look at him, I'm like, I'm a gay porn star. Yeah. And this kid looks at me in the perfect timing and goes, real fucking cool, dude. You know there's no way that kid's going to convince his mom that he's a fan of a 53-year-old comedian who performs shirtless and is named The Machine. There's no putting that toothpaste back in the tube.

I told that on Seth Myers tonight, everybody. Hey, enjoy the show. Listen, I can't wait to talk to you guys when the cameras are off. Can't wait. Come to my special in Tampa, please. Just one show left. Tampa, February 26th,

February 26th? Yeah. Let's do a promo on my phone. We'll post it on Instagram. I love it, yes. You are, listen, you guys are, I want to talk to you guys about comedy because I'm reading a book right now

about storytelling. Because I feel like for this next special, probably my last special. There's no reason to do a special anymore. Like, what are we doing? When I did Secret Time, there was maybe, maybe a hundred specials

released that year, right? You could stand out. What do you think? Like 20,000 this year? I mean, YouTube alone. YouTube alone, every week. I mean, there's two of me on Netflix. This is my last one for a while.

Tom's came out on Netflix along with Dave Chappelle, Ricky Jervais, and Marcel. I mean, it was like the whole week with specials. I know. I started reading a book about storytelling. And I was like, yo, there's like seven story arcs. There's seven types of stories you can tell, right? Like, jaws, Forrest Gump. Like, there's a all stories.

And the only movie to ever have all seven story arcs in it is Lord of the Rings. The only book, right? Is that right? Yeah, it's the only movie to have all seven story arcs. It's really seven basic stories is what it's called. It's what I'm reading. So I was like, yo, I should really challenge myself as a storyteller and try to, like, incorporate as many different types of stories.

stories in this, as shorter as quick as I can. But I was like, that's the thing with joke writing. I was like, when you write, are you guys always trying to write the perfect joke or perfect the joke? Perfect the joke. So take your joke to work. Honing it. Honing that joke.

That joke. So everything for you, because I was thinking about this, I'm trying to build a log cabin where you guys are just whittling and going that. That's the perfect log cabin like this. A lot of widdling. Right? Yeah, for sure. Although I got to get that storytelling book to my wife because she stinks.

But yeah, I like that. That's good. But like I said to myself, I'll do this special in 2007. And then I go, I'm going to take a break. Take some time off, dude. You deserve it. And so I'm going to really work on this one and try to make it like stand out. Crazy pants, jacked, shredded.

The thumbnail alone. Spray tan. We got to wrap this up, Berks. We got a dinner. Let's go dinner. Where are you going to have two bites of fish? And Mark and I are going to feast. Oh, yeah.

I'll eat the rest of years. I love you guys. We love you, do. Congrats on everything. And it's so good to see you. Thank you, guys. Don't die. Sunday's a day from a bit of fever.

You know the fear juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking post.