We Might Be Drunk - Ep 27: Corona Familiar

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

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We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks and a bit, maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah. Hey folks, here we are, it's We Might Be Dr drunk and it's the middle of the day And we're about to put down some hooch It's hard to find time to make this work We're both on the road Three travel days in a row for me I know, I saw you

We did a Patreon, get on it folks And you were yacked on a cross-country flight I just thrown up Nice, you farted. Thank you. If you're playing the Mark Farts at Home drinking game, drink up. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I had just thrown up.

Oh, cross-country flight. With the mask on, too, I smell my awful vomit breath. Oh, God. Yeah, it's hilarious. I'm on the phone with my mom, and she's like, just do not drink alcohol. And I'm just like, I'm on all fours. You think i get a gimlet handy like i'm dying jesus christ who am i hemmingway i'm puking here yeah yeah that's mom's for you she always gives you advice that is completely obvious oh my god it's not it's she literally not doing a character ends every call with uh

drink your drink uh take your vitamins and uh floss yeah you know it's a mom thing that you know we should call that as mom splaining you know like don't touch the dead pigeon don't drink alcohol while you have food poisoning you're like yeah i got it mom mom's planning is good it is uh flossing like it's just moms yeah that's just who's telling you to floss i i haven't i think flossing is a little bit of a racket do you think so well i floss i used to go to the i used to have braces for six years i'd go to the dentist six years oh it was a nightmare i was a fucked up kid the bedwetting the dandruff the neighborhood the whole thing but uh i you know he's like you gotta floss

you gotta floss and you see all these commercials dental dental, what do you call it, gum disease, gingivitis, Listerine. I floss maybe once a month and there's nothing in there. Really? I go in, I got the stick, I got the like the little, you know, it's like a hook with the floss thing in it. Yeah. That was a great invention. It's like you're getting pulled off at the Apollo but in your mouth. Yeah, exactly.

No, I hate those things. It's just not, it's not fun. No, it's not fun, but if you get a big chunk of grizzle, you're like, oh, wow, that was necessary, but I'm doing it and I'm getting nothing. Yeah, it's pretty annoying. And then you get the times when you bleed and you're just like, I guess I got to do this.

What am I, a virgin? Yeah, it's brutal. I know, but it's necessary, but I don't think it's, people say you got to do it like every day or every other day. I don't think it's brutal i know but it's necessary but i don't think it's people say you got to do it like every day or every other day i don't think it's true yeah i don't know but then there's all these people saying that like it helps with gum disease and so much of disease come through like not flossing i don't fucking know who knows who knows yeah i guess it's better to just do it but i don't think when people when you're young and people are like you gotta floss you're like i don't even remember getting home you think i'm gonna remember to floss. You're like, I don't even remember getting home.

You think I'm going to remember to floss? Yeah, good point. Like, I didn't brush. Good point. Good point. I think a lot of that is a hearsay. It's a wives' tale. Don't eat, don't swim when you're hungry. I've eaten a buffet and I hit the beach.

I've never done any of that shit. I mean, I swim when I've been eating like a fucking full cake. Your New Balance game. Look at these. Oh, thank you. Look at that. This is like what a dad who has money wears. when I'm I mean I swim when I've been eating like a fucking full cake your new balance game look at these oh thank you look at that this is like what a dad who has money wears it's like a shiny new balance these were given to me I would never buy these they're too hip but the black folk love these do they yeah yeah I've been chased I got and I got like dad shoes on too look at these you're like dad runners oh yeah your shoes have come a long way. They're so colorful now. Shoes used to be white and black and maybe gray.

And now look at that. It's blue and orange. Blue and orange, yeah. Yeah, and you got like leather sneakers. I know. They're crazy. What are we drinking? These are my show shoes.

I only wear them when I'm performing. Show shoes? Who are you, Hanley? Remember when he told us that? We were like young comics. He goes, these are my show shoes. And we're like, show shoes? Yeah.

Well, it's not like these aren't special, but I don't want to break... I don't want to wear them out because they're so cool, I guess. So I only wear them on stage. Yeah, that makes sense. It's more of a... All right. Guinness. Nothing like an ice cold bottle of the gin.

I love it. What was the other... You said you brought a backup option. I want the Guinness, but I want to know what else you brought. I got us a Foster's because it's a hot day. Something fun. This feels like a day beer to me. I'm more of a Guinness man than a Foster's man.

Yeah, it's not the best beer. And then I got just a Corona Familiar. Never even heard of it. I haven't either. Corona Familiar. I'm not familiar. What are they? I thought it was extra light and now we're familiar i think it's like the banquet of corona so look at that oh you got it on your key chain oh yeah come on i'm an alcoholic it's funny that when i that's on my

car key too so i just have a bottle opener dangling for my ignition i saw uh i saw paul verzi all things comedy posted thing our buddy paul verzi was defending white claw kind of like we did i saw that and then every comment was just like this guy's an alcoholic like every defense is like oh put you fucking pussies on your ass i drink white claw and then everyone's like this guy's yeah oh you this is a bad poor bad poor this is we gotta let the foam go down jeez this is like a black and tan over here. I love a black and tan. Underrated drink.

What is that? What is that? A yingling and a Guinness? What's the combo? I thought it was a Michelob. Wait, what is it? It's got some rum in it. I'm thinking of a dark and stormy.

Dark and stormy is pretty good, too. Yeah. What is a black and tan? Damn, we haven't really experimented with weird cocktails on this. We kind of should. Well, we don't really have a bar here. Maybe we got to make a bar here, man. We got to get a bar in here.

Maybe we'll bring some stuff. By the way, I love in this studio, there's a security guard. I've never seen them stop anyone. I know. There's a guy in the lobby. He's literally watching a show without headphones in. Yeah. And I just walk out.

I'm like, this dude, why is he here? I know. They're paying a guy. That could be the booze uh oh yeah right there yeah that's true best gig in town though he just sits there watches tv on the clock he's never stopped me he always gives me hey what's up i come in with two bags of booze he's like get in there if you walk in confidently you can get into most places that's true yeah. Yeah, that's true. If you kind of go, well, looking for, then they don't like you. They got to sign in and you got to give a name and a number. But yeah, confident.

How do they know? Is that white privilege or is that just fake it till you make it? Fake it till you make it. Yeah. I think. I think you're right. Could be white privilege. He's black.

So that means he's giving into white privilege. Just like a white person to make it their fault. Yeah, they're ruining the country. Let's take a sip of this here. Cheers. It looks like a milkshake. To Hitler's good ideas. Hey, the guy had great taste in clothing.

No, I really have an issue because I obviously, you know, Jew, but, you know, my neighborhood, there's, Stumptown Coffee is so good and they gave money to the Nazis. It really is. It's a real problem. I didn't know that. Really upsets me. Volkswagen, Hugo Boss. Yeah.

All Nazi. BMW. BMW. That one makes sense. You're like, yeah, you look at the logo. You're like, that feels Nazi-ish. It does. It has a swastika kind of vibe.

But who loves BMWs? Jews. Yeah. I have one. Who loves Stumptown Coffee? You have one. I have one. My car, that old car is a Beamer.

And it's an old Beamer, too. So it probably has some bad ideas still. Oh, shit. I didn't realize that. It's got that new car smell and that old Hitler smell in there. It's a little gassy. All right. But yeah. Oh, shit. I didn't realize that. It's got that new car smell and that old Hitler smell in there. It's a little gassy. All right. But yeah.

Oh, shit. It was a whole thing. It was a whole article now. Like, I forgot some, there's some American institution using gassing people to death, like for lethal execution. Oh, wow. And I could have just said execution. I don't know if we need lethal in there.

But they're like, this is what the Nazis did, they're saying. This is how they did it. And you're like, well, what is murdering someone? Do you really care how they... Yeah, that's a good point. I guess there's a classier way to get executed. I don't know. Well, you don't want to hang either. That's true.

That's got some history. And it's just so barbaric or whatever you want to call it people would watch yeah it's so horrible uh isn't that weird that people would just watch you get fucking murdered that was like the town would be like all right it was pre-internet you know i was like hey this is hanging at two it's something to do it was like seeing a guitar act in central park i i think too the way someone's dying in public. Yeah, it's like, you know, we all watch this, Faces of Death. You knew it was bad, or you're driving by, you rubberneck. Oh, there's a guy in a body bag.

You know, we all have to look, and I think it's kind of part of that. Yeah. Also, I think Firing Squad is the classiest. Is it? I think we should bring that back. They put the blindfold, you get the cigarette. It's got some dignity to it. The firing squad is the classiest. Is it? I think we should bring that back. They put the blindfold, you get the cigarette. It's got some dignity to it.

And they all put their guns up and they only have one bullet, I think. I feel like they use it a lot in wars, though. I feel like it's got kind of like a barbaric feel to it, doesn't it? It's true. I guess lethal injection is the move. That's probably the move. That's probably the most dignity. It's like, am I getting the COVID vaccine vaccine am i getting murdered it's got the same feel it's kind of weird murderna yeah that's true uh you remember that george carlin bit we're so obsessed with like

health and germs he's like we swab your arm before we give you the lethal injection that's so good so good what a great little catch. You don't need to shower every day, folks. I saw our buddy Wayne Fetterman on Fallon the other day, and he was plugging a book on the history of stand-up. It looks great. It looks really great. Did you watch the history of late night on CNN? It just came out. No, I watched one on – no, I saw clips of it.

I think I was in it for a second. I think you might have been, actually. Yeah, because Jessica Pilot sent me a – I think you're at the Cellar or something. No, I think I of it. I think I was in it for a second. I think you might have been, actually. Yeah, because Jessica Pilot sent me a... I think you're at the cellar or something. No, I think I'm on Colbert in it. She sent me a thing of it. It's like me walking out in an ill-fitting suit and a shitty haircut. Oh, yes, yes.

Yeah, you got the suit. That was back when I didn't know suits could fit. That was, you know, we were newer comics. It was like our funeral suit or wedding suit. It was. It was a multipurpose suit. It's funny when you watch comics in the 90s, anyone in the 90s, you're like, man, you just looked, you could be out of shape. Yeah.

And like that was a nice suit. Like Gary Shanley is wearing like a giant 42 long double breasted. Yeah, exactly. But it's Armani and he looked good. Exactly. It's so true. Yeah. The suit thing, we're such children because i didn't buy a

real suit till till the seinfeld opening because i knew he would pick it apart i knew he's such a psycho he'd be like what the fuck is this suit you got to get a real suit yeah that was i was 36 bought a suit yeah i don't think i got a good one till uh i did i bought a cool one for fallon oh there you go it It's late night. I've worn suits on Fallon and Colbert just because I feel like they're like, they appreciate it. And I'm like, they always say they appreciate it when you wear a suit. I'm like, you think Jimmy Fallon gives a fuck if I show up in a wife beater? Yeah.

Meanwhile, there's these younger kids with like leather jackets and all this shit or like torn jeans. And I'm like, what the hell are we doing? I do. It is. but we do look weird i remember burke kreischer once said to me he's like you don't look good in a suit he's like what are you doing he's like you're not a suit guy well i think you saw me in the one that didn't fit i see yeah no if we get one that fits it looks all right yeah anyone looks good any guy looks good in a sharp suit but that one with no tie though tonight show on you look badass thanks man the open white collar that's a good look that's a good blue suit yeah that's kind of in pete lee looks good in a suit he always drops money on suits so anytime you see pete lee's fallon sets he's like he told me a story that he went to bloomingdales and he was like oh this is so expensive this suit and they're like he's

like i'm wearing on fallon can you do anything for me they're like come's and he was like, oh, this is so expensive, this suit. And they're like, he's like, I'm wearing it on Fallon. Can you do anything for me? And they're like, come this way. There was like a fucking special. What? I think he got it like half off because he said he was going to wear it on TV. Jeez. You know who didn't have that was Men's Warehouse.

That's where I got mine. You got your Seinfeld suit? No, no, my other one. My other one before that. Before that. Jeez. They're like, we tailor it right here. I was like, oh my God, you're in the mall.

Nothing wrong with Men's Warehouse, but it's Jerry. I got mine at that place, Suit Supply. That's where I got the Jerry one. You know what's cool? Because it's just the whole thing is like, it fits. That's the whole thing is like, we'll make it fit. Yes, yes. And the dudes who are wearing suits in there, they look great.

So they know what they're doing. Yeah, it's kind of a good look. A suit, it just will never go out of style. But it's funny. I saw a Sex and the City episode, and it's like Mr. Big is supposed to be this cool, rich guy. I'm like, that suit looks like shit. I know. I know that's probably a really expensive suit.

At the time, yeah. It's also funny, too, if somebody was making fun of 80s comics. Like, what's with the sport coat? They all look so cheesy. I'm like, we all wear bombers. I know. It's the same thing it's just a different era you know we all wear the same jacket yeah sometimes i see a jacket and i'm like man i can't it's funny like i was i did a riff the other night on stage about like somehow someone started heckling about the royal family so i started shitting on them like like my angle was like who the fuck do you think you are like wearing a crown like i'm embarrassed by certain jackets you know what i mean like it's

true that's part of the thing i was like man you don't you ever put on like a blazer and you're like i haven't earned it you know dude all the time and i like them they look cool especially like a summer blazer i see a guy with like a like a seersucker a seersucker you like that i love it or linen or something and i'm like this guy's got a cool frames and a t-shirt on under the seersucker a seersucker you like that i love it or linen or something and i'm like this guy's got a cool frames and a t-shirt on under the seers so i'm like oh what a badass like harry hamlin on mad men or some shit he's got the no socks with the loafers and he's drinking a manhattan in the sun i'm like this guy's a badass he's on a boat or a pier yeah but i can't do it yeah i can't do it either i try i've even bought them and i just don't wear them they're just hanging in my closet like i didn't see i bought some cole hans sneakers and these

beautiful brown leather i've never worn them you're wearing for like a cool gig or something i get it they were 300 bucks i was like i'm wearing these i i wear the same thing i got these cool loafers like that that are like the same price like super expensive and then like i in the store i'm like fuck yeah look cool and then and then i put them on i'm like i'm gonna get torn apart for these i can't do it same way i just picture what like keith robinson or colin quinn would say if they saw me in those totally totally and you're killing in the mirror at the store and then you just yeah because you're in front of a guy who's trying to get a fucking commission right

he's like yeah this works for you. You don't know me. Yes, I know. Brutal. What is that in turn? Because not everyone has that. Other people go the other way. They go, I'm the man. I look great.

I'm wearing this every day. Self-loathing? I guess so. I guess that's the term. I guess that's the term. This is a good day drinker, Guinness. It works. Dude, yeah, you need a hint. Because whenever you meet someone they don't have, I mean, those people that are just sure of themselves, we fucking hate them.

Yeah. Yeah. I think Jim Jefferies has a great bit about how low self-esteem is actually a great quality. Because imagine if you had high self-esteem and you're building a car. Yes. I don't think it's going to work. It's going to work because I did it. Then the guy flies off the highway or something.

And then you've got the Asian guy who goes by like, like he's being really careful. He's like, that's who you want making your car. That's a great bit. Great bit. Great bit. Jay Leno always says low self-esteem is a good quality. Yeah, because you worry about things.

I mean, it's hell for us because we're in the middle of it and we have anxiety and we're freaking out. But I think you make a better product. You don't hate yourself, but you have like a hint of it. Yeah. Yeah. You want it to go well. You're worried about the judgment.

You're worried about it sucking. Yeah. I mean, a dude who shows up in a fedora, you're like, you didn't have that moment where you looked in the mirror and were like, maybe not. Yeah. I don't know. Yes. You want that minute. Even if you go, even if you're like, I'm doing a fedora today.

You want a minute where you're like,'m doing a fedora day you want a minute where you're like i'm not sure yes self-doubt i wouldn't even say self-loathing self-doubt maybe self-awareness yes exactly exactly and like my girl i this one thing i love about her she hates any guy trying to be sexy like in a photo like a guy like she's like oh that's a fucking yeah even if you're hot it's like yes even if you're hot and if you're uh like trying like your outfit you know you got the shirt button down and even if you are hot she's like you're trying to be hot well how do you feel what if a woman posts pictures like that trying to be hot i love it i mean well i'm not a it's a lady thing

but i think she's right because as a guy that's a weird weird personality it's weird to be into your looks as a dude yes that's what it is the guy staring in the mirror he's not doing this shit like you know slicking back the hair all that shit is rough yeah that's like every i feel like uh every tom cruise movie like the opening has a scene where he's just like looking in the mirror smiling you're just like fuck this shit i know i know but then some girls like that yeah well clearly i mean that they haven't stopped doing that it's working yeah i mean every all the bullies in high school tough guys in my high school mean asshole guys they had the hottest girlfriends all the time and look it's high school so these are dumb guys and dumb girls but But guess what? A lot of those dumb people, you get to be an adult,

and they're still around and kicking. I know, I know. They're on Wall Street or whatever the hell. They're doing fine. So you got to meet the right gal. Yeah, there's something about a suit, though. Like, I wish I was a suit guy, but I'm also glad I'm not. It's a lot of upkeep.

It is. A lot of dry cleaning bills. Yeah, that's true. You can be that comic who rocks a suit on the road. Oh, not. It's a lot of upkeep. It is. A lot of dry cleaning bills. Yeah. A lot of- That's true. You can be that comic who rocks a suit on the road. Oh, yeah. That's a lot. You got to iron it.

You got to steam it. And then the suit, that cut can go out of style. So now you got to buy a new suit. Do you think, yeah, I guess slim fit, at some point it'll probably go back to baggy. Probably, yeah. I was complaining about, fashion is so weird, man. I hate fashion.

I hate it. I bought those underwear at Gap recently, and it's over the top. I was complaining about it. It drove me nuts hate fashion i hate it like i bought those underwear gap recently and it's it's over the top i was complaining about it but drove me nuts what do you mean over the top it's no fly oh this underwear is no fly now they're like you go over the roof you don't go through the window and they go the window is the most important part it's all about the window roof what are we doing now we're the weird kid at the the school bathroom was pulling the pants all the way down yeah that's a weird kid yeah you don't want to walk to a urinal and see butt cheeks oh that's a bad look i know and it's weird because old people do it too so it's weird how it just you start out doing it then you live your whole life pulling it through the window then when you

get old again you just drop them down again it's's just weird. It's kind of like diapers. You know what a peeve is? When we don't have a green room bathroom, and I'm fine. Look, I'm fine pissing with everybody, but the chatterbox at the urinal. Oh, dude. Never fails. They go, oh, oh, oh, Sam, what's up?

Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm peeing next to Sam Morrell. Even if they don't know you. Even if they're just like, so good night, huh? It was. Yeah, yeah. What do you say? And you better pray to God there's a partition.

Oh, God. Please. I have a theory. Racially mixed cities have partitions. Because I don't think the honky wants to be urinating and have the giant black dong. With the partition, he feels a little comfortable. But then I go to like, you know, Appleton, Wisconsin, where it's all white, no partition. Interesting.

It's a theory. It also just could be it's a more progressive place, so they're just like, you know, we've got to be on this. Right, right, right. We don't want any harassment or whatever. I'm a fan of the partition. Love the partition. I don't think we need to be like this. Right, right. We don't want any harassment or whatever. I'm a fan of the partition. Love the partition. I don't think we need to. I don't think we need to be like just looking at a bunch of dicks.

Yeah. I mean, no partition is one step away from the trough. The trough is garbage. That's a tough moment for a young boy. Why not just piss on the street at that point? I know. What are we in Calcutta? Come on.

It is fun when they put the ice in it, though. You got to admit. The ice is fun. You melt the ice. it though you gotta admit the ice is fun yeah you feel like you got a laser dick oh my god i feel like a superhero i'm like fuck you ice yeah that was a big chunk i just took down yeah uh wait what were we talking about urinals partitions troughs suits suits oh shit oh i want to give a toast speaking about airport pissing love a toast toast this is like this is like the anti-peep yes exactly you gave a peeve i'm gonna give a toast i got into the united lounge i'm toasting airport lounges it was a game changer oh my god what a

what a moment i love it i love an airport Oh, milestone. Dude, just pay for the lounge with Delta. Just do it. It's funny. I was talking to my account money guy, our money guy, and he was like, you got to get more credit cards because I have one credit card. I hate credit, as we know, as you know. Wait, I thought you didn't have a credit card. Well, I have one, but I keep it in a drawer in New Orleans.

It's far away from me. I don't understand. I just don't trust myself. I don't like the idea i can swipe this and just buy shit that's not paid for i gotta pay for it later it's too risky no i understand the mindset but like you just don't be an animal with it yeah yeah i don't know it's like like if i owe you money you're like hey i got this i'm like i'll just pay you right now i just want to knock it out too but also yeah i don't i mean like you get shit out of you get like rewards

and stuff that's why i do it yeah that's what he said so so i'm gonna get the delta one just it's all dude the delta one's great yeah i'm gonna do it now now for the first time in my life i'm waiting for one of those ladies you know behind the little desk with the tablecloth going, who wants a Delta card? And everybody goes, ah, blow me. Now I need that lady. I love that lady. Yeah, I don't know where else to get one. It's great, and it's also, I just like the lounge, man. That is like

luck. So many times, just like, unless you just save dough. Yes. Save dough because you don't have to buy a $12 egg sandwich that sucks. So true. And you kind of get there early and usually I'm like, oh, I got 45 minutes to kill before this. And now I'm in the lounge and I'm like, I only have 45 minutes.

I know. Yeah, you want to get work done. You get some food. You have a coffee. You have a cocktail. I know. Open bar. The food was great.

I don't think it's open bar, is it? The United was. Was it? I don't think Delta is. Oh, interesting. I think they charge you. open bar, is it? The United was. Was it? I don't think Delta is. Oh, interesting. I think they charge you. Damn, that's shocking. It is shocking.

It's an outrage, I say. It is. No, it really, it's pretty great. And I'd like that. I mean, it's such a stressful experience traveling. Like, I've had three travel days in a row, especially when you don't feel well. You're just like, fuck, I just want to just not be stressed. And that lounge is is key i'm

impressed man that's uh that's that's impressive stuff to just bounce around like that it's so hard on the body it's hard on the sleep schedule i'm hurting yeah yeah here here same but it's the job man i mean i love our job so it's i do it's just a good like i was in albany all weekend with uh you know dina haisham and Hashim and Shafi Hossain, and we had a good time. It's weird that Albany is— You guys are running a deli. You guys have the whole Middle East on this show.

What is he? He's Indian? Yeah. And then she's Muslim. Yeah. Where are her people from? She's from Jersey. I don't know where exactly her uh and then a new

york jewish it's a fun little gaza you got going on oh yeah we got we got she mentioned it and i was like you know what i didn't even see it till you mentioned it i'm that uh progressive yeah you know uh yeah we had a great time man it's funny like i hadn't been to the albany funny bone uh in a while in like years and it's like i was like man why i guess mall comedy shows aren't that bad it's like oh it was just people came out yes it's the last time i was there like it was just papered free tickets no one's paying attention they're on their phone it's funny because all you need is a room with a microphone and chairs and we've always had papered rooms when it's your people that any room could be good

that's so i mean if it's not a million mile high ceiling and shit like that yeah it was good man where where you were virginia beach virginia beach which is a notoriously tough room and but it was our people so and they were great and the setup was good setup's good it's a small club and they have a kind of like a little balcony and it's and it's like a 2004 museum in Virginia Beach. Like everybody's got afflicted shirts. They're drinking Monster. You know, they got big trucks. It's so behind, you know, baggy pants and a chain wallet

and shoes you haven't seen. Michael Richards hasn't even been canceled yet. Yeah, exactly. I was like, the Friends reunion, they're like, we're still on Friends. They don't even know about the reunion. So it's kind of wild to go there. And it's an hour flight. It's like a 40-minute flight.

Did you ever watch Friends? I did. I watched it every day. I hated it. I hated it, too, but I kept watching it. It was on. It was familiar. They were attractive.

It was New York. They were attractive. Chandler was funny. He's a great comic actor. He is. And so is Lisa Kudrow is a great comic actor too. Yeah. But it's just, you're right.

It's just not. Not good. There's so many wild premises. She's like half, like half a tard. Joey's really stupid. You know, it's so weird. Yeah. But they're friends and they own a huge apartment.

Rachel's works at a coffee shop. None of it makes sense, but. If you just create a show where like, there's a bunch of goodlooking people that like will they won't they hook up yes people will watch it that's so true yeah i mean they had to flip flop joey hooked up with phoebe at one point monica and chandler ross rachel and joey and rachel it just it was you know what it was it was like you could tell everything about a person if they thought that show was better than Seinfeld. Because it was Friends versus Seinfeld. Boy, that is so true.

It was like if you thought Friends was better than Seinfeld, you weren't funny. My roommate in college was dating this super hot like bimbo girl. And she was like, I don't like Seinfeld. And this is, you know, this is 2002. I was like, you don't like Seinfeld. And she's like, no, no, I like Friends. I was like you don't like Seinfeld and she's like no no I like friends I was like why she goes because they're better looking and I was like wow you are so vapid that you would say that out loud that's a great uh that's a great takeaway that Jason

Alexander's no Matt LeBlanc that's your that's your observation I know it's like Seinfeld and Larry Damon at the helm with Michael Richards doing his amazing physical comedy. And come on. Yeah. You know what my wreck is this week? And this is a good segue for this. Frasier. Oh, great wreck.

We were talking about this. It's on Hulu. I was on a flight. Great wreck. A long flight. And I was just kind of burnt out. You know, my Knicks had just been embarrassed. And they're gone now.

They're whatever. But I was in a bad mood. I'm like, i watch it'll like wash the tears away and i just throw fraser on i watched the pilot is incredible oh it's an incredible pilot it's just like first of all i love the idea that these two these two like what are they british and their dad's like an old irish cop it makes no sense right, they're so highfalutin. They're so high society. They speak like British people. Yeah. That is true.

Yeah. What is that? I don't know. I guess they're trying to show like, look how rich we are. We're so rich, we're British. They're so theater-y. Yes. And the dad is like, I'm just going to watch the game.

Like, father, how could you? Yeah, right. And then Daphne was British. She's Australian, I think. Oh, no, she's from Manchester. She's British. You know what's funny is it's so much. I like it's such a good escapist show because there are no real stakes.

Yes. Every episode is like, Fraser's dinner party gets ruined. Right, right. And it's very light. Even if something horrible happens, the dog comes in and makes a face. So, yeah, I like that show. I went to a live taping once i when i was a kid we did like a family vacation my dad had a business trip in la

and he's like i'll just turn this into a family vacation and that was like the highlight i'd never seen it and i saw it live and i was like fuck kelsey grammar live it's like oh man that guy's like on another level he's a presence the booming voice he's so big man that's how cool was that incredible and he was i think he was just sober like i mean that was the first few seasons that show he was a drug addict yeah dude i didn't know dude he has had like the worst life of anyone i've ever seen is that right his fucking dad and sister were murdered yeah is that great yeah where are they from i don't remember but you know then i think he just developed this he never dealt with anything he just it was this great actor and developed this

drug problem wow and they said the whole cast was like giving him interventions and stuff and they're like they cared about him they knew he was a good person wow that's kind of cool to hear that he because you think like oh this guy's an actor. He's a blowhard. He can't stop drinking. Like, get it together, man. But no, he's got a fucked up ass. People have real shit. Yeah. Holy hell. And it's so funny to have this murdered guy's dad and sister murdered.

And then he's playing this highfalutin guy. It's like, yeah, that's acting. That's acting, baby. But dude, it's really just killer. Yeah. Killer pilot. Great idea. So many jokes. Yeah. And it was in seattle which was weird i thought as a kid i was like seattle what's up with seattle you know that was back before you knew everything about every town because we didn't go there yeah

oh now we know too much too much and we know the deep dark secrets like seattle the heroin epidemic you know the hipsters yeah oh that's a good wreck hard wreck hulu it's it's just it's just good it's good it's light it's theatery which is kind of yes it's almost like neil simon it is like neil simon it's not like many sitcoms you see anymore right right and a rare spinoff success yes you know it's a cheer spinoff, and it worked. Yeah, but I'm sure that chick, she's like, I don't like Frasier. They're not good looking enough. I know.

She's like, he's balding. You know what's hilarious? They do look like brothers. Yeah, they kind of do. They kind of do. They have that Aryan white face. There's a whole episode how they're, like, competing who gets to be Corkmaster in their wine club. Like, I love shows where the stakes are just so stupid.

Yeah. Where this doesn't matter at all to me, but it's just funny, so you don't give a shit. That's funny, yeah. They're at the opera. They're at the symphony. It was always high-end shit. Yeah. All right, my rec, you're not going to like it.

It's a little controversial. All right. Why am I not going to like it? Well. Mind conf. So we've been on the road a million years. I had to get up at 545 for my flight today. And then you're in a Virginia Beach or an Oklahoma town or a Nebraska,

and you have to get an Uber to get to the airport. Yeah. So sometimes you're like, I'm up at 545. I got to be at the airport at 630. I'll get an Uber. Uber, 28 minutes, you know, because it's these weird towns. Unacceptable. I didn't even realize it.

Umar Khan, my host for the weekend. Oh, I just met him. Great guy. Arlington, Virginia. Pakistani, part of the Middle East, your whole thing. He could be part of my tour. Yeah. He did a guest set on my show because the Knicks game was on,

and we started 15 minutes late, and then I threw him up for 15 because I wanted to catch the ending. How funny is that? The one game we won. Hey, there you go. Yeah, he told me about that. He's like, hey, let me do time because the Knicks are on. I'm like, yeah, good.

You should follow him when the Knicks are in season. But, yeah, the name of that tour could be something with bombing. All right. season but uh yeah the name of that tour could be something with bombing all right but so he told me hey you know you can schedule an uber oh i was like what do you mean he's like you can just schedule one when it you know comes out like when you when you want one it'll pick you up if you do it ahead of time you can just pay extra for this no wow so i just get i've been so many mornings pulling my hair out sweating looking at looking at the clock going, ah. I wake up extra early. I didn't know about this.

Exactly. So Uber schedule. It's got a little clock on there. You just push the clock and you pick the time you want. Boom. Hate Ubers. Won't do it. But you're in Oklahoma.

Maybe, yeah. Maybe if I'm in a weird city. But I'm a yellow cab man. You know me. Yeah, but what are you going to call a yellow cab? I'll take them sometimes. Yeah, no, I'll take them sometimes yeah no i'll take them sometimes but because they're just hard to find now and morning up i have been taking ubers to airports just because i can't rely on finding the yellow cab when i'm in a rush yeah

yeah but i take yellow cabs back always and they're less money too they are now for sure so that brings me to my next point i got this download called Curb, like the TV show. Yeah. And it's like an Uber for the cabs. It just says, hey, I need a cab in five minutes here. So you can just get a cab coming to your house. That's how I got here. A yellow cab.

It was a yellow cab, but it was $9, and I looked at the Uber, and it was $19. These motherfuckers are criminals. Criminals. They know what they're doing. Uber really, I think we talked about this on the Patreon, but Uber really, I think they were operating at a loss for like, I think they're still operating at a loss. You think? I think there's some, yeah, I think they're just.

I assume they were huge. They're global now. Well, they have Uber Eats and all these things. Yeah. But then, you know, Lyft, I feel like Lyft just came out and they're like, let's wait for Uber to fuck up. And they did. Yeah, they did. Because that CEO is a real dickbag.

That's right. That's right. So then Lyft scooped in. They were like, we're the good guys and you can tip our drivers and we have better rates for our employees and all that. And then they got too high. We're purple. We're hip. Yeah, exactly.

We're a little gayer. And then they got too high up and uh charged too much and now we're back to cabs you ever get in those lift or something you ever get in and they have like the little like screen on it like lift lift and then they have like candy in the bag and you're like would that get picked up by willy wonka here like what the hell is happening i know and there's purell there's candy it says please tip you're like like, all right, I got it, I got it. I'm still not going to tip. You turn around. Is the temperature okay?

You're like, yes, it's fine, please. Right, right. There's like eight cords for every smartphone ever made. Like, do you have a Nokia? Yeah. Yeah, there is something about the Lyft, though, man, where it's like, it does feel a little hipper. But then they had all these new ones. They had like, fuck, Juno.

That went under, I think. Oh, yeah, that was quick. Juno was the hip one. They were, like, 20% off every ride. Then I'm like, yeah, well, you're not going to last. Right. I'll tell you what is sexy, though. I was with Che once, and he's like, let's go to a bar.

I was like, all right. He's like, I'll get an Uber. And he got the Uber black, you know, whatever high-end SUV leather. We're used to the Uber white. Yeah, that's true. The Uber white trash. And the guy came out in a suit, opened the door. I was like, damn.

I'm used to the guy, you know, who doesn't get out. He pops the trunk. There's a masseuse in the back. She's just rubbing you. Yeah, exactly. So that was nice. But yeah. Yeah, I've done that once.

That's funny. That's a's funny that's that's a famous person move it's a famous or trying to get laid move like you're on a date get an uber black that really up your chances i was yeah i was at amy's once and and she called uh an uber black i was with rachel feinstein and we just uh she was like oh i'll get you let me call you an uber and we're like uber black yeah have you heard of uh this is more of a car thing. Well, what's that car one? Turo. It's Airbnb for cars. So basically some guy has a sweet Ferrari or something,

and if you go to Nashville, you can Turo his car. He's like, left the key on the tire, go by, and you get to the Ferrari for a day. How's it spelled? T-U-R-O. T-U-R-O, Turo ro tu ro tour I mean I'm not ever gonna do it I can't drive but did you do it I did it once and it was sexy I got this crazy ass Porsche what yeah I was are you did you take pictures this I took I think I got some in here I didn't want to take pics cuz it was just me so I didn't want to be like right you know you could also

you could just be doing that in the street that's true that's how about those people they're just like in front of a car you're like that's not even your car not even your car people do that i know i used to do that yeah me too i did it too with one of those cameras where you had to go yeah yeah exactly i waited for that photo to get developed like a douche i know check me out in front of this fucking mercedes i'm like oh i can't i can't actually drive and my friends know that so this this might not work right yeah uh we've all done it we've all done it but it's a dick bag move i've done that in front of women i'm like my friend takes a photo of me next to some hot model uh speaking of things we like we might be drunk is brought to you by honey you gotta love honey

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What's something that you order Is what I mean Oh, oh, oh Well, I don't want to give any brands away But I just got some jeans off the internet I buy shoes online all the time You do jeans? I can't do

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I get all that shit online. And it's just so easy. It shows up one day. So I highly recommend it. My mom would stand at the counter at the grocery store clipping coupons for half an hour with everybody behind her pissed off. So this is the way to go.

Tell them how to do it, Sammy. Yeah, if you don't already have Honey, you could be missing out on free savings. Literally free free installs in just a few seconds save some dough support this podcast get honey for free at join honey.com slash drunk that's join honey.com slash drunk get that honey baby man this is pretty good polish it off yeah that goes down easy are you driving or now no oh he's driving is he can he drive oh yeah oh yeah i think just about anybody can drive no a lot of new yorkers are bad drivers i heard colin quinn can't drive i've been in cars with david tell he's not a good driver i've heard that i heard david tell is terrifying he does

both he looks like he's driving a toy car where he's got both hands on anything he just keeps doing this oh my god it's very stressful he's from long island yeah but he's not he's just not you can just tell he's not a driver he's a better driver than i am oh wow like if we're in if we're in a car together like he should be driving i'm telling you patreon a video of me teaching you to drive a stick would be gold we'll put some orange cones out get a few beers i don't want to fuck your car up though well we'll get a rental we get a rental all right we'll get a turo all right what do you got on uh on uh oh you did your pee van wreck yeah here's my pee and this one's a little uh high concept so i hope i hope i cleared to make

this clear i was hanging out with a bunch of people and we're all they're all kind of younger comics a lot of one-upping you know which is already a lot you know give me an example you know just like a lot of like trying to be funnier than everybody else and no one's really listening to anyone they're just trying to get their laugh you know oh young comics are tough man that anxiety and that need like look we we were the look we're still we still got a little of that sure i know so i'm with nick griffin atel and you know arty lang i'm i want to get one in you know but you got to sit back and they don't hate you if you sit back yeah yeah so everybody's kind of being a lot and i'm just drinking it's like two shows late we did two shows i gotta i gotta scotch you're doing a meet and greet yeah

it takes a lot out of you exactly let's relax stop jumping that's why i love when there's a game on i'm like let me just get the game on we could zone out a little zone out and you talk when you need to talk but you can still have something to focus on oh man it's the best it's the best yeah so uh i threw something out and i out, and I couldn't think of the name of that kind of sugar. I think it's Stevia. Oh, yeah. Is that something? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and I was like, what's that sugar called? You know, it's like a little packet. It's not sugar. It's fake sugar. People are like, equal? I'm like, no, it's not equal. And they're like, I don't think you know what you're talking about, man. I'm like, no, no.

And just because I couldn't think of the name they assumed i didn't have it didn't exist and it was driving me crazy i was like a group of people shut this down yeah they were like no one even threw splenda at you nothing maybe they said splenda i said no i think it's something else it's something else it's like fake sugar it's better for you or whatever and they're like ah you're crazy man i'm like what you think i'm just making up chemicals and so we got all into it and then somebody i think later was like oh i think you're talking about stevie and i was like thank you but i hate the idea of just because i don't know the name all of a sudden this thing doesn't exist and it drove me crazy yeah it just doesn't feel good to be dismissed either yeah like just because you guys aren't willing to go with me

here that i'm completely wrong i don't know the whole with me here, then I'm completely wrong. I don't know. The whole thing bugged me. Then later, I'm like Googling it like Stevia. Stevia sucks. Does it? Yeah, they would sell like, I think like at like Duane Reade or those drugstores, they would sell like Stevia soda.

And I didn't know what it was. So I bought it once thinking it was like just seltzer. Then I drank it. I'm like, this tastes like shit. Yeah. I remember NutraS sweet was big what's that that was like equal it's like fake sugar but it turned out to be worse for you a lot of this shit the impossible burger apparently is worse for you is it that's what they say some of them

taste good though i mean i'm they're impressive and also it's like i trust that shit more than i trust like a chicken breast at a mall comedy club i'm sorry i don't like it's all it all is i think bad for you you know yeah yeah but then sorry i don't like it's all it all is i think bad for you you know yeah yeah but then uh it's all chemicals it's all bad yeah i mean they're all bad probably but then uh yeah those like those cookies or health cookies my grandparents used to eat them they'd have like a tray of like cookies that would be like old snack wells snack wells that was big with the uh the florida community yes and they'd be like no fat but it's full of sugar it's full of everything else snack wells is such a like great name for i know

i know all that shit like gluten-free anything my ex was gluten-free and everything had extra sugar because you got to make up for the gluten but isn't gluten like that's but that's like a thing that you can't i mean that's like inflammation or what what is it celiac but but everything to make the cookie still taste good you had to put all the extra butter and all this shit in it just to keep it good right fuck like vegan cookies yes people think you're eating vegan it's just healthy but it's like you just a lot of bad shit is still i know you can still like there's a vegan place right by here and it's like this shit ain't healthy it ain't healthy it's just not meat taste some of it by here, and it's like, this shit ain't healthy. It ain't healthy. It's just not meat.

Some of it tastes good, though. Oh, yeah. It's just, yeah. I mean, people who are vegan, I know some people who are vegan, dude, they never get sick. Really? A lot of pro athletes, like Kyrie Irving is vegan now. It's interesting, these guys, because I think they just get less inflammation Ah right right I gave up bread

You never eat bread I've seen you eat bread Ah shit well I cheat on Bread every now and then You never eat pizza? I gave up pizza What? You never have a bagel? I don't touch bagels Look how angry I got the Jew in me Bagels to me is a crazy meal

It's just so much dough. It's so much bread. It's crazy. That might be my death row meal. What? A bagel with a schmear. Listen, a bagel with a schmear, smoked salmon, onion, tomato capers. That's a fucking meal right there, my friend.

That is nice, but I get a bite or two of that. I can't do the whole roundy. You and my friend have never been to a bris. I'll tell you. That's true. I'd like to go. It's a good time. I would love to go.

What's your death row meal then? That's a good question. I would go comfort food like a pot roast, a meatloaf, a fried chicken. I like lasagna. I like comfort diner food is my favorite kind of food. Lasagna is a good call. Good lasagna. Yeah, it's all horrible for you, but man, I love that chicken fried steak.

Love a good diner. Oh, the best. We were in Arlington, Virginia, Gary Veeder and I, and we found a great, it's nothing like finding a great diner on the road. The one that hasn't changed since 1941, no blacks. I mean, the whole thing, they don't let anything, it's the same griddle, it's the same counter, it's the same waitress flow, she calls you hun. I love it it was

it was a classic uh it was just like a classic like great like it's funny how you eggs can just be better yeah that's like for some reason the omelet was 10 times better here we had another place uh that it was fine but i'm like this this place. It's nice. Silver Diner, I think, in Arlington. Fuck, it's great. It's great. Like, I'll go there to one of those diners, and you get the, what's the soup of the day? Oh, we got vegetable and French onion. I'm like, give me the vegetable.

And it's homemade vegetable soup. I can't believe it. Like, some guy came in early, made that shit. He's an ex-con. But then isn't it crazy if you go to a restaurant, and they just dump a can? Like, that's crazy, too. Ah, it kills me. Kills me. There's a lot of that, too. Kills me. Kills me.

There's a lot of that, too. That's crazy. I know. It's like, why open a restaurant? Yeah, right? It's like a comic who steals jokes. Like, what's your point of view? You know?

This is TikTok Diner. That's great. We have one of those. There is a TikTok Diner. There is a TikTok Diner. That's hilarious. 34th Street. Is that by Penn Station? Not a great diner. Not a great diner. Expth Street. Is that by Penn Station?

Not a great diner. Not a great diner. Expensive and shitty. Yep, yep. They get the tourists, I guess, coming out of Penn Station. They're hungry. No, I've been there. It's not horrible, but it's not hard to make a good diner.

No, no, it really isn't. How weak is that diner coffee? I need like four cups to feel anything. Yes, that's so true. I like 7-Eleven coffee. You like it? Well feel yes that's so true i like 7-eleven coffee you like it well i like it better i get it but i don't think i like it i like bodega coffee i like i like gas station coffee i like you're drinking a black oh yeah i might put one of those little caps of cream in yeah but uh starbucks i hate starbucks i hate it but it's growing i mean now

that they have some oat milk i could just throw throw in there. I just like oat milk. I love oat milk. I can't believe people like almond milk. It's fucking bad. Is it? Once you have oat milk, you're like, this shit's... What's wrong with almond? It's just not as good.

It's like, I like to see my coffee change just a little bit of color. Yeah. I like to experience the color change. Don't have to stir it. Just put a little in there. I'm good. Yeah, oak. I do oat or whole. change don't have to stir it just put a little in there i'm i'm good yeah oak i do odor hole i i don't want i do hold two half and half is fine yep yep i don't like soy so i hear it's bad for you here it's chemically is it bad for you i've heard that too yeah that's what i hear all this shit all this new health shit there's a reason stuff's been around forever you know but it's scary when you hear like the four food groups or the food pyramid the food pyramid is fucking was like a pyramid scheme it was exactly

it was it was like the government was like we got to push grain we need to help the farmers so they put that in and i know we're getting into conspiracy shit but when you look at it isn't that dark there's a lot of conspiracy pockets i don't that's true. I don't think anyone's like, we got to cancel them over the grain theory. Yeah, there's no child blood on the food group. But yeah, it's like all this is horrible. No one's going to trash the Capitol over the food groups. Anything when you look into it is like almonds. They say one almond takes 80 gallons of water.

You're like, one almond? I ate a bag of almonds today. I just ate like a lake you know but it's all a bummer to look at everything so satisfying during the day but then at night if you've had a few drinks it's the least satisfying thing of all time no fun with an almond no fun give me an m&m with a peanut or something m&m pretzel chips yes oh chips it sucks how good chips are they're so good well. Dude, I like those kettle chips. Oh, yeah.

Those really crunchy ones. What's your go-to flavor? I mean, I'm a cunt. I like Dorito. Really? I love a classic Dorito. Give me a Cool Ranch, a cheese. Wow, I'm so not in that.

I don't dislike them, but I'm like all day, I'm like, give me those kettle chip salt and vinegar, sour cream and onion. Oh, that's good. That's my shit. Oh, dude, all day, I'm like, give me those like kettle chip, salt and vinegar, sour cream and onion. Oh, that's good. That's good. Oh, dude, Korean barbecue. Woo! I love it. I don't know if it made it up here, but we had zaps, and those are pretty damn good. Those are fucking, that's like a New Orleans thing.

It's a New Orleans thing, yeah. They have voodoo, crawdad, all these cool flavors. Those are fucking good. Yeah, that's good stuff. Those are crunchy, too. I also, dude, I like the weird flavors. I've had pickle-flavored chips. They're good, dude.

I'm into that. You get a flavored chip, like a pickle or a sour cream, and you dip it in a dip. Oh, it's an explosion of orgasm in your mouth. And your pants, dude. It's fucking good. I like that. I like... Pringle?

Yeah, I like a Pringle. I don't mind a Pringle. Pringle's kind of middle of the road. They're good. Yeah. They're not, I mean, the crunch is so big with a chip. Yes. And those kettle chips are just game changers, man.

I love that shit. Sunchip? Yeah, they're pretty good. Man, I love them. I don't like a chip that's trying to be healthy. Sunchip feels like it's pretentious to me. It's like a bisexual chip. Yes, yes.

Pick an audience here. Pick a lane. Yeah. Exactly, Sunchip feels like it's pretentious to me. It's like a bisexual chip. Yes, yes. Pick an audience here. Pick a lane. Yeah. Exactly. Sunchip. What the hell does that mean? You out in the sun? Sunchip like it's green. We're fighting climate change here at Sunchip. At Country Salsa or whatever the fuck. Exactly.

Zesty vegetable. Shut up. Get a job. Vegetable chip. Yeah, get out of here. What the fuck? What are you doing with vegetable chips i know i'm already eating a chip well you know what's good at restaurants sometimes i'll do like caroline's comedy club used to do this those zucchini chips oh those are nice little yogurt those are good those are good yeah yeah love a uh man yeah how about in canada when they do like ketchup potato chips yeah that's fucking weird get out of here canada girl pair ketchup you're not doing much for your rep as having the shittiest palate of any country i know jesus christ poutine is overrated i'm sorry it's all right it's all right it's disco fries with cheese curd get out of here yeah they're going i'm more of if we're

doing cheese fries i want to melt it i don't want just like chunks of cheese yeah right exactly i want like i want some like cheddar american on that shit don't ever get pizza in canada by the way is it terrible it's almost like montreal has good pizza do they yeah yeah okay well you get like i'm talking about like a pizza stand maybe you go to a nice restaurant i'm sure they have some decent pizza but if you go to like a pizza stand at one morning, it's like, it's almost like if an alien was told what pizza was and they're like, okay, I'll try to make that. It's got no love in it.

It's got no cheese pull. It's, it's got nothing. Interesting. Yeah. That's, that's, yeah,

I guess it's not Montreal. It's, I guess it's about the bread and like Montreal does a pretty good bagels too. Oh yeah. I like a Montreal bagel. That's true. But you're right. Yeah. Overall, it's not the the bread and like montreal does a pretty good bagels too oh yeah i like a montreal bagel that's true but uh you're right yeah overall it's not great yeah interesting on the uh death row meal they also do lace potato chips that are like chocolate there have you seen those in canada no chocolate potato chips it's a lot yeah come on i mean look who's talking we have the double down the kfc bowl

the choco taco choco taco is fucking good so good if you're that's like that's like first time high meal yeah you gotta you're high for the first time you get either like a choco taco or like a uh snickers uh ice cream bar oh my god the snickers ice cream bar is like your first time you get your ass eaten. That thing is insane. Matt perked up on that one. How about the Twix ice cream bar? I've never had it.

It might be even better. What? See, Twix. Now, this is where I got another secret to unleash. I don't love hard foods. Really? Like a biscotti or a crouton. It's too hard for me. And Twix can be a little too hard.

I like Twix. Everybody likes Twix. What's your go-to? If you're doing a candy bar, what are you doing? I think Snickers is up there. I know it's basic and hack. It's basic. It's like liking regular M&Ms.

It is a little basic. It's a little, but I think my all-time favorite is the Reese's Cup. Yeah, that's a good one. You've told me that, actually. I love anything with peanut butter in it. Do you do gummy ever, like Twizzler or Sour Patch Kids? Nah, nah. Not your thing?

That's child's play. Come on. I don't even know what a Twizzler is. It's like rubbery and gelatin-y. Really? There's no flavor. When we were kids playing baseball, we'd be on the side, bite off each side,

sip your Gatorade through that. We did not win a lot of games. You got diabetes, though. Jesus. We played one school where their teacher, their principal was thrown out for molesting kids. And I started to chant at a game, hey, teacher, leave those kids alone. We just kept chanting that. And they were just like, oh, we hate you guys.

Oh, it's hilarious. And they beat us. But we got digs in. Yeah, you're looking at them with the Twizzler. Oh, man. You're the catcher again, huh? Interesting. I like a Twizzler. Yeah, yeah.

How about black licorice? Would you ever do that? Oh, no, no. I don't understand licorice. If you get good black licorice, it's pretty good. I yeah. How about black licorice? Would you ever do that? Oh, no, no. I don't understand licorice. If you get good black licorice, it's pretty good. I've never had good black licorice. But it's, I don't know. I don't get any of the licorice.

It's just chewy and rubbery and weird to me. I don't know. So you're a chocolate guy. I'm a chocolate guy all the way. I'm not even a big fruity candy guy. Yeah, it's risky. Yeah, like all my friends are gummy bears all day i'm like i can have two gummy bears doesn't do it sweet tarts get out of here sour patch sweet tarts are just like whoa

who is that that's like who's your audience i feel like like skaters or something yeah you can have a surge surge do you ever drink surge oh I mean, I was a skateboarder. We would juggle that shit. Yes. I feel like we're dating ourselves here. Yeah, for sure. All that shit. Crystal Pepsi, Zima, all gone. Crystal Pepsi. So it was white Pepsi.

It was just clear Pepsi. Yeah, clear, not white. I don't have to make everything a racial issue on this podcast. This Pepsi is white yeah i saw a guy at the comedy club he was yelling at his girlfriend he was being like verbally abusive and then he ordered a girly drink which made me laugh it's like shut up ho uh lemon drop please don't you kind of lose a little respect when uh somebody has to have a sugary drink you're like you don't know how to drink of course it's like when i see people put too much sugar in your in their coffee i'm like

you should have just gotten like a milkshake i know right you want a coffee and you do that every day yeah it's weird like uh sugary cocktails i i get if you have like one or two but if you can like there are people that get like fucked up off just sugary i'm like you must feel horrible horrible horrible yeah that that crash from the sugar electric lemonade you got fucked up off blue drinks i know i know and then also like you're a grown-up at what point do you go like i gotta kick this nigga but it tastes good yeah i know but so does uh candy but you just can't eat candy all day every day i like this idea of an intervention you have a problem drinking no you're a pussy you're a fucking you drink like a pussy yeah be a man uh my girl likes a big stout fucking guinness you know all kinds of lagers and shit i'm like i love

that yeah i'll do sugar in my drinks it's gonna be like a cool cocktail like a manhattan sure negroni or something yeah but at least that has some subtle integrity to it you know it's got some uh class yeah but you get fucked up off only manhattans or negronis you're gonna feel that the next day oh yeah oh for sure i got these really good glasses at home that our boy phil hanley got me and they're like like they just make something about a good glass just makes the drinking experience so much better. So true. Good glass and that I got that ice cube ball and this that goes a long way. Game changer.

Yeah. You just it just makes you appreciate it makes you like kind of nurse it a little more. Yes. But like you have a nice glass even like you're drinking wine out of like, you know, when you're a kid, you drink and you'll drink wine or whatever out of a like a Dixie cup or something. Oh, yeah. But then you have it at a real glass and you're just like i'm like i'm an adult yeah there's something about a glass like you know you go to a baseball game they give you a cup of beer in a plastic cup you're kind of like all right all right but then you go to a bar you have that pint glass it just feels better although there's something about like i know that they have like a reason for this but

when you get a beer in like too fancy a glass i'm kind of like slow down i'm with you on that like the who am i the ladies man fucking leon phelps i'm swirling it like it's kavasie right the snifter what is that beer the duvel or whatever yeah it's a little too much like yeah it tastes good but like are we really i'm with you it's not i'm it's not like i know it's like a good beer right like i accept that but i'm just maybe i'm just not a beer guy oh interesting i mean i like beer but i just don't think i'm like blown away by like the fancy beers yes delirium tremor it's that's pretty good though that's good that's a good beer but then they're like it has to breathe in this cup you're like i'm out i don't need to breathe come on just give me the beer how do you feel about a sour beer i can have half of one it's too much much for me. I had a Sour Monkey in LA.

I had a few of those while watching the game. They were pretty good. Okay. Yeah, to me, that's not like a we're going out tonight beer. I'm like, that's a watch TV or sit in the park beer. Can you get drunk on Guinness or is it too thick? Dude, I went to Ireland for that comedy festival. I was with you.

Oh, yeah, the Vodafone. Yeah. Yeah, sorry. We had a great time. I was drunk the whole time. You were gone. I was with you. Oh, yeah, the Vodafone. Yeah. Yeah, sorry. We had a great time. I was drunk the whole time. You were gone. What a great crew. Me, you, Rachel, Chris D., Colin Quinn.

Nate Bargatze. Nate Bargatze, just the best crew. And... Sean Padden. Sean Padden, Nick Vatterot. Yeah. TJ Miller. We're all at this crazy old, you know, 1820 bar,

and we're on the third floor. They're all, oi, oi, oi, you know know jumping up the place this place is shaking the floor is creaking and they were like it's last call so vaderot put his credit card down and ordered every like he's like give me 40 guinnesses so the guy's just like i have a photo of it guys just doing this doing this there's 40 guinness pints on the table and we finished them all. And I don't remember the night. I don't know how I got home. My ass hurt when I woke up.

But it was a hell of a night and the Guinnesses are smooth there. They are really good there. So good. Why are they so much better there? Why can't we recreate that flavor? I don't know. What are we doing here? We got a Honda plant.

We can remake a Honda. You know, we can. It is annoying when people are like, you should, it's like, it is like the same person who's like the book was better yeah that's true better the guinness is overseas we get it but like why can't we make it as good yeah yeah i don't know i don't know it's i think it goes back to the the diner or the comfort food or the pizza

place this you gotta know what you're doing it's got to be that old fat italian guy with the you know stained t-shirt stains are big man oh fucking you know what i got i had the the gnats in my drink yesterday so gross oh i hate that i didn't realize i mean i had like three of them and then i'm with dina and she's like there are bugs in our drink and i was like i've had like four of these uh cool uh but it's like yeah yeah, it's the limes. They're all over those fucking limes. Ah, the limes. Yeah. The summertime, the gnats come out. I have these sticky things in my apartment that catch them all.

It's a nightmare. It's fucking gross. But yeah, the gnats, you can just pull them out with your finger at least. But still. Still gross. It's super gross. I'm just pulling bugs out of my drink. Does she drink?

Yeah. Oh, that's fun. Okay. Always good to have a feature that drinks with you. Yeah. No no she drinks all right i can't imagine dina hammered she's just like like just like slows down a little like most slows down she's already like slower you know drinkers you know they just kind of like she's like a chill drinker all right all right she's not hurling slurs or she does that but at

a very calm energy so it's nice She's grabbing a cop's gun. Ah! That's fun. All right, good for her. Should we do bits? How much time do you have? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we got a few minutes.

Let's do some bits. Is he picking you up here? No, I'm going to Uber down. It's not far. All right. You want to do a bit or should I do a bit? Hit me. Hit me.

Has this been done this i feel like i can't believe it if this hasn't been done but uh i have a whole thing about how people think body cams are going to stop police brutality it's like have you never seen the show cops right right like it's like they were doing a lot of police brutality uh that was pretty much the whole show yeah to the point they like throw a dude onto a car and they'd be like shit did you not let's let's take that again i'll throw him again oh that's good i want to do a thing about how police brutality is like uh it's like the show full house like we know it's bad now right but in the 90s we'd be like gather around it's time to watch oh yeah interesting because that show was on the air for 33 seasons. What?

Cops. Whoa. 33 seasons. It's been on longer than Law & Order. Yeah, wow. A scripted cop show that we're like, this has been on a little long. Right, right. I mean, I love cops.

We'd watch it with the family. It was part of the night. I know. It was part of the schedule. I never liked it. Oh, my God. It was just so fascinating. And it was pre-in night. I know. It was part of the schedule. I never liked it. Oh, my God. It was just so fascinating. And it was, you know, pre-internet clip videos.

So it was like, whoa, you're seeing real shit. Now there's Worldstar and all that. But it was very manipulative. I mean, even the intro. Bad boy. Bad boy. We're like, all right. The cops are the good guys.

I know. And there was some schadenfreude. Not schadenfreude, but you compare. Like, wow, at least we're not them. I know. At least we're not that fat lady in the trailer. That really was. We act like reality TV came out of nowhere, but that was reality TV.

Oh, yeah. Real world, all that shit. That was around for a while. Real world. Yeah. Did you watch that shit? I did. I loved it.

It's crazy. Yeah. But cops, it's so true with the body cam. We're like, we're going to get them. And then they had a show cop, but they could edit cops. You can't edit a body cam. That's true. You could edit the TV show, you know.

Yeah. And there's commercials. That's what body cam, you don't always get to look. You can't add music. Yeah, right. You can't add snappy rap. You can't be like, hold on, bad boys, bad boys. What you going to do?

What you going to do? Right, right. And there was What you going to do? What you going to do? Right, right. And there was cops you watch with your family. There was a commercial, you know, for Pizza Hut in between segments. True. I like the idea that you can edit. Yeah, that's something. Yeah, yeah.

It's kind of like saying, hey, we can't let Donald Trump tweet, but he's still the president. You know? It's like, you worried about this? He's still in control. Right. There's an analogy there. Right. You know, Trump is off Facebook till 2023. What?

My first thought was just in time to run. Yeah. To get it back. That's hilarious. What? I like that. Yeah, there's something there. What do you got?

This could be silly. I'm trying to. My material is pretty dark at the moment. You told i want to see it it's dark and so i'm trying to like let me get some clean stuff just in case you need that tv set or a seinfeld opening so you want some clean ready at the at the ham the helm at the helm yeah yeah so uh i've been hanging out with this cat that the lady got, and I'm getting to know the cat, and I talk about how the cat just stares out the window all day.

And for the cat, the window is kind of like the cat's phone. It stares out the window. It judges people. Or it stares at it all day. It judges people with pick and fights that aren't real. Then it catches a glimpse, a reflection of itself, hates that guy. And then the big ending is then he sees a female kitten. He's like, a female cat then he's like oh i shouldn't it's a kitten tearless so i like that hit yeah that hits but it's kind of a long way to go to get to that it's something

funny about like how looking out the window just seeing like the idea that you're on social media and you just see people with better lives oh yeah fuck look at this dog that's good yeah he's living he's living meanwhile the dog's homeless but you just think they're doing better than you i mean that's what social media is yeah you're just watching people with like at their best that's exactly right yeah like they're in cabo they're not showing you leaving the fucking abortion clinic you know it's like i'm in i'm on vacation right or finding a dinner or not getting it up at at uh the bedroom yeah that's true you never see a bit like a picture of a guy just like this what do you want yeah where should we eat i don't care are you pissed i'm not pissed all right the cat the window is like yeah that's his phone

that's his phone all day staring at it and there's something about catching the glimpse oh sorry yeah oh no you're on your phone he's looking out the window you're both avoiding your lives oh that's good that's good yeah yeah he's got to go to the vet but he won't stop looking out the window and then i talk about how he's a pill head he sleeps all day and then when you try to bond with him he cuts you that part's hitting and then i cats are fucking fun man they're fun there's a lot of material there and then the big big ending is uh my girl wants another one she's like we should get another cat i'm like no no no you gotta catch like abortions one or two is fine but after about 12 people start judging i have i have a joke where i say 12 abortions oh i don't change to 11 11

we're good all right baker's dozen uh interesting man yeah that's uh that's funny man wait what's the 12 now i'm curious about the 12 i have a joke i was talking i say you ever think you're really progressive and then you and then you uh talk to someone who's really progressive and you're like maybe i'm not like i was talking to a guy who said i think a woman should be able to get 12 abortions if she wants and i was like 12 uh that's a that's a pretty uh horrifying number to toss out there yeah like you know like like it's not affecting her day-to-day once you hit the baker's dozen. Once you've killed enough fetuses that they could have formed a band. Ironically, also called the Grateful Dead.

Oh, I know this bit. Yeah, that's a great one. Yeah, I go with 12 too. 12's a fun number. 12's a fun number. Eggs, drowned, apostles. Yeah, it's one syllable too, which is nice. 12.

But it's still a high number. Double digits. I'll go 11. Go 11, baby. All right, all right all right you can go 12 i think we're fine that's a totally different bit but uh i think uh what we're talking about oh we should we should tell people we got uh we got our samples oh that's right so next episode after this we it our booze of choice will be our booze that we're going to make. We're bringing in seven different samples. We got Canadian whiskey. We got fucking rye.

We got part rye, part bourbon. We got a lot of samples. We're going to sample them here. We're going to take sips. I don't know how we do this. Do we take a cracker in between to cleanse the palate? What do we do? That's a good question.

Yeah. Maybe we eat a licorice or something. Licorice? Yeah, just to give you your Twizzler. I think that will hurt your taste buds. Oh, yeah, you're probably right. Well, some kind of ginger like in the sushi. You need a palate cleanser. You know? Maybe we just have a sip of water. Alright, a sip

of water works. And then we yeah, so we'll sample that. We'll come up with what is going to be Detour or Fat Cat or whatever we end up calling this. Long Goodbye, whatever we end up calling it. Right, right, yes. Roadkill. Yes.

We don't know what we're calling our booze yet, but it's coming, baby. I can't believe wheels are in motion. We've got to thank Christopher or Christoph. Christopher Hart. Christopher Hart, yeah, he's a booze aficionado down in Texas. He's helping us out. So, yeah. Thanks, Christopher.

We're going to do it right in front of your very eyes. We're going to pick it. This might be a record-breaking burp episode, the sample one for you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'll be burping up whiskey all day. So check it out. Give us your feedback, your input.

We want to know what you think. And, yeah, we're going to make a goddamn booze to sell. Subscribe to Patreon. Where are you going to be on the road? So this is next week. That's a good question. I'm in Orlando this weekend, so that's gone. Nice.

I've never done the Orlando Improv. Have you? No. San Antonio at the Rockbox. Nice. Houston Improv, Funny Bone Serious, Toledo Funny Bone, Philly Helium, that'll sell. Buffalo, Dayton, Appleton, Arlington, Bria, Albany. So yeah, fun stuff.

I got Tampa, Sidesplitters, Raleigh, Cincinnati, Funny Bone. Oh, man. These are fun rooms. What else? Oh, you're doing the Liberty. Yeah. You signed on. I think so.

All right. OKC, Madison, Nashville. Woo! Wow! Samrell.com slash shows. Let's fucking, let's do it. That's a hot, hot tour. Madison to Nashville is a great weekend.

I think Madison, OKC, Nashville. Oh, that's going to be great. OKC should be fun, right? Is that Bricktown? Yeah. Oh, that's a great weekend. I think I'm Madison, OKC, Nashville. Oh, that's going to be great. OKC should be fun, right? Is that Bricktown? Yeah. Oh, that's a great club. I hear it's great. Great room.

It's big. I wonder how I sell on there. That could be a weird market. I don't think there's much to do out there. Let's go. Yeah. Let's bet on that. No, Oklahoma's kind of cool, man.

I played Tulsa with, I did Tulsa with Aziz once, and it was such a fucking fun city. I tell you, there's all these sleeper cities that don't get their due, but they're great. Tulsa is low-key, kind of cool. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to give a peeve on myself. I don't like people using the word low-key. I don't know why I just did that.

It's overused. I'm mad at myself for saying it just now. I'm with you on low-key. That's why I say sneaky. It's a sneaky, cool town. Sneaky is low but like you know it's a little less cunty sneaky is oh it's better to be a low-key guy than a sneaky guy oh that's true that's true but like you go that guy sneaky hot it's better than like that's low-key hot yeah low-key is annoying yeah it's just it's a lot of high-key shit that people are saying right like he's a little low-key shit that people are saying. Right. Low-key. Like, he's a little low-key. Like, that's, it's very known.

Yes. New York's a low-key kind of cool place. Is it? It's not low-key. It's the Big Apple. It's not low-key. Yeah. By the way, I think that's a Greek god, too.

Low-key. I think. Matt, give that a gook. No, low-key. You fucking, there's a Disney Plus show coming out. He's one of the- Oh, is it? Okay.

I'm not up on the Disney Plus. I don't know what are you, babysitting? You've never seen the Avengers movies? Not one. Loki? Nothing. Tom Hiddleston? No, never heard of him.

I don't want to know. All right. I'm trying to keep Avengers out of my brain. Too much Marvel. Too much Marvel. Yeah. It's like, God, fucking the monopolies. I know.

Give me an original picture. It's funny Marvel went- This is so much about like just you know anything in entertainment how they went from bankrupt to too much yeah i remember the 90s are like marvel has no money i'm like it's spider-man how do they have no money like how badly did you mismanage shit i know that's so true and now it's just like there's gonna be a spider-man movie every three years and you're like well it's gonna be. They're like, no, it's the same movie. Yep.

Maybe a different. It's like, how many times do we need that Green Goblin story? I know. Jesus Christ. We got it. I hear Tobey Maguire is a fucking monster, by the way. I've heard the same thing. Did you see that, fuck, that Aaron Sorkin movie, Molly's Game?

Oh, no, I didn't see that one. It's pretty good. With Jessica Chastain. Yeah. But there's a guy, Michael Cera plays this guy, like, player X in the poker game. And he's, no, I didn't see that one. It's pretty good. With Jessica Chastain. Yeah, but there's a guy, Michael Cera plays this guy like Player X in the poker game and he's like a monster. He's like such a bad dude. And I was like, who is it? Because it's a celebrity.

I'm like, who is this guy? All the Reddit boards were like, Tobey Maguire. So he's like a dark poker playing... Yeah. Wow, who knew? Tobey Maguire is a sneaky dark. There you go. Yeah. I i believe it there's all kinds of you hear all kinds of guys are douchebags out there sometimes i've noticed if we're getting a

little bit of a little little heat going we start selling out and then if you're not the nicest guy ever at the club people think you're an asshole and you're like i just didn't want to talk to you at the urinal so now i'm a dark you, you know? Right. Do you find that? Not really. All right. I don't know. I mean, I get what you mean. But I'm sick of the fucking just get us a bathroom so I can focus on the set.

I know. I know. Most clubs have it. That's true. All right. All right. I just get nervous before. I don't want to be.

I'm in my head. I just want to go over notes and shit. Same. Then some guy's got you in a headlock at the lobby. I do not care for the touching. Do you ever get someone after a show who touched your chest a lot and shit same then some guys got you in a headlock at the you know i do not care for the touching do you ever get someone after you like touch your chest a lot oh yeah like well can we just keep our are we not a civilized society i know i know i'm like the clown of the show but like i had a guy going hey can i get a photo i was like sure and he's like okay and he

like moved me around and i was like what are you doing you're moving they touch your belly or something i'm just like what what is going on? I know. That's a problem. But hey, can't complain. We're doing what we love to do. It's a problem. Get on the Patreon. Check us out.

It's going to be on MSNBC later. It's a big problem. Someone touching Mark's midsection and moving him around. I don't love it. It's a peeve. This is one I get all the time. Oh, I thought you'd be taller yeah we all did thank you i'm 5'10 it sucks all right have a good night folks subscribe to the patreon we'll see you soon love it comedy