We Might Be Drunk - Ep 271: Mark Normand & Sam Morril - Might Be Drunk

Episode Date: February 16, 2026

No guest this week, but Mark and Sam go deep on panic attacks, peeves, pills, and why reservation apps are domestic terrorists. From Good Will Smith Hunting to frozen BMW gas caps, basketball injuries, and the return of the poo poo platter, it’s a classic chaotic solo ep. Sponsored by: Willie’s Remedy+Order now at https://drinkwillies.com and use code WMBD for 20% off of your first order + free shipping on orders over $95, and enjoy life in the high country. Mars MenFor a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at https://Mengotomars.com ShopifySign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/drunk Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com@GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #WilliesRemedy #MarsMen #Shopify #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #BodegaCatWhiskey Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Everybody, we're here. Solo, solo. Solo app. Nice. I like a solo app. Yeah, no pressure, no dead weight. Fucking Bert, Carolla, Adam, we get it. You're comedians. No, I'm just kidding. No, it's good to, sometimes we have shit we want to go back and forth with and we hold it because, you know, you want to be a good host. Yes, of course. But, hey, it's 28 degrees out, which feels like Hawaiian tropic.

I know. It's like feeling great. I know. I love it. I walked around, got some son of my tits. I walked a couple miles the other day, and it was fucking freezing, but you throw some longerjohns on. You're fine. I mean, you kind of feel good after a while. Yeah, but that prick Punksitani Phil, he fucked us. Six more weeks of winter. Oh, yeah.

For that damn groundhog, that fat, furry cunt. You were talking about that Chevy Chase stock. Oh, yeah. What do you think? Well, I watched the Mel Brooks, and I watched Chevy Chase. I'm going to watch Mel Brooks. I hear it's amazing. Mel Brooks is great because he's so cute and likable and fun, and then Chevy's like,

prick, asshole, Gentile. It could be a more opposite. I was in a green room of a comedy club, and we were trying to get the game on, and it wouldn't go through. All we had was this shit. We were watching the Chevy Chase thing, and I was like,

you're not even going to try to be likable? I know, I know. But they show two sides of them. His wife was like, I don't know what you guys are talking about. He's the sweetest man. When I was pregnant, I was ill, and he nursed me back to health all alone. He loves his daughters.

So he's clearly got some issues. I'm not sure how I feel about all these docs coming out where the person the dock is about is involved in the dock. Yeah, it's like a PR thing. Yeah. Is that what it is? But it's also weird when it comes out just when they die, and then you're like, did he molest that person?

You know, it's like, it is weird when, either way, it's weird. It's like the Bill Maher point. He's like, it's called Allen versus Pharaoh. It's all Pharaoh. We don't hear Woody Allen's side. He was in the... I said that about Epstein. He died.

We didn't get to hear enough of his ideas. He was on the list? Yeah. Ah, who is it on that? There's more people not, or as more people on the list, they're not on the list. Yeah. That was crazy. Did you see Lewis Gomez is on the list?

I did see that. He's actually on the list. And David Tell. And David Tell. What? Well, they went to a comedy show and that was the lineup. That's hilarious. Yeah, so the worst part was like, I heard that Lewis called him a real ass dude.

Nah. Damn, that's hilarious. Cheers. What do you got? vodka soda, gin and tonic? What is that? What is it? Tequila soda.

That's nice. That's good. Yeah, man, that's fucking The Steve Tish one is like The Giants have had a rough 10 years Yeah It's also, did you see the The thing that he wrote?

The email was like he asked The prostitutes were pros or civilians Whoa And he's claiming it's adults But it's like, do you know many whores you're banging If you're calling non-hors civilians You're just like, oh, you're a civilian, okay That's true

Did he do it like a draft? You know, like I'm gonna pick her Ah, she's got experience It's going to get him right out of college, right out of high school. He let Sequin go, so he's not picking good horse. Tight end. Okay. But, hey, wow, look at these files.

My God. And Elon Musk, do you see that one? Yeah, he wasn't cool enough. They were like, this guy's a nerd. But it's the funniest email. First off, I think it was Christmas morning, which is when you were 13 kids and you're sending that email on Christmas morning. But also, he wrote, I want to go to your wildest party. Which, dude, if he didn't know, how fucking funny would that be walking into that shit?

Right. That's like a comedy. You show up and you're like, oh, fuck. And then a storm hits you can't get out. You're just hanging out with kids. It looks just like his Christmas morning. That's true. Oh, yeah.

More gifts, though. Yeah. Damn, that's crazy. Yeah, Elon didn't get the invite, which hurt, but I'm sure he's glad now. Exactly. You want to be thought of. You want to be thought of. Yeah.

It's like a wedding. You want to be invited to the invite. pedophile island. You just don't want to go. Exactly. Same with a freak off. I'd love to be invited to a freak off. It would have been nice. Yeah, I'd like to meet Leo and Jay-Z. That would have been the fun part. Yeah. They're banging kids. We're just like, so tell me about passing on boogie nights. That must have been crazy. Yeah. I was watching your, I got the special the other night. Oh, cool. It's fantastic. Thanks, man. And your consent bit is kind of like this. Like, sometimes I like to just get consent. Well, that is a big part of it. I think that's a lot of

people's ego, right? We're like, you just want to know the person would fuck you, and then you're like, I'm good. Completely. Especially as you get older. Oh, yeah, because you don't have to do the morning. You don't have to let her down. You don't have to finish in two seconds.

There's only downsides, mostly. I just think of the afterwards part. Now, the older you get, you're like, there might not be around to. So true. Let me think about, is she going to be cool to watch a movie? Is she going to be cool to, like, you know, is it going to be, like, arguing, like, how about this one now, no. A movie?

Boy, you thought further ahead than I did. I'm like, was that a fire escape? How do I get out of here? Where's the eggs? What is that a wedding ring? Yikes, yeah, but it's true. Maybe that's an age thing. The older you get, the more you think about the future.

Yeah. Because then when you're young, you're like, the present. You're living in the present. You just want to get laid. Yeah, true that. When you're older, you're like, ah, this is going to be a lot of work. You just think through. You think, like, is this person a good hang?

I would gladly fuck someone with a terrible personality back in the day. Totally. But now you're just like, I have to be around this? I don't know. I know, but you could, what am I kidding? I'd still fucking awful person. Yeah, well, I've seen your Rolodex.

What's the damage? What's her name? Cut that. Oh my God. No, you can keep it. It's funny. The best part of that story is that she hit me up and she was like, you have to confront him about that.

I was like, and I can't. He's like one of my best friends. Can you tell a story? I don't think everyone knows a story. Oh, well, it's a story from a past step. It was a woman who was, you know, an interesting. character. I enjoy her.

She's fun. I like a character. I like a personality. It's a character. Yeah. All right. But she was, there was a lot of spunk and she got mad at Mark. He got that right.

And Mark, she got real mad that we were making jokes about it on the podcast. She claims my story wasn't accurate. I think it was pretty on the money. I don't remember. I was drunk when I told it, but, you know, and then she called me and she goes, you need a confront Mark for calling me damaged goods. And I was like, nah, I can't. He's one of my best friends.

And then she goes, well, you have to say something. Maybe like hit him if he does it again. I was like, no, no, no. As I said, he's one of my best friends. And then she goes, well, if he does in the future, at least tell him not to. And I was like, I'll think about it. All right. Well, this is kind of confronting.

This is a form of confrontation. But I don't know you, ma'am. I'm sure you're a nice lady. Ma'am, that'll settle it down. Melady, which is a term now. I don't know. old bag? She's younger than me. Civilian or a whore? I don't know what she is.

Civilian for sure. Civilian. Let's look that in the bud. I'm just joking out of you. You seem like a nice lady. She's a good person. I have no idea of your past history or damage or goods. Yeah.

So just joking around. I'm damaged goods. We all are. Mm-hmm. Good human. Yeah. I'm sure it'll work out in the end. Yeah. That's good. It's going to be fun. We'll get her on. I always think of the...

I love a woman who's got like, you know, some femme fatoliner. Oh, sure. I would think of Mitcham and out of the past where he's like, you're like a, you're like a leaf that flows from one gutter to the next. Wow. The kind of thing's not going to help either. That's not going to help.

I started the Mitchum biography. Holy shit. Unreal. Really? I watch that. No, it's a book. Oh, okay. He's from Bridgeport, it's huge.

He's from Bridgeport, Connecticut. It's called Baby I Don't Care, which is awesome. From Bridgeport, Connecticut, the roughest fucking part. You've been there. I mean, that's a rough part of town. And I think Kevin Nealyn's from there as well. Oh, wow. Yeah.

How about that? New special, by the way, great comedian. Check out Kevin Nealyn's new YouTube special. Love Neal. But this book, Robert Mitch, I'm like, dude, his dad died super young. Your ex was Neelan. All right. That's her name.

Okay. But he, uh, crazy fucking life story. But dude, his dad died super young in this mechanical accident, whatever. And then he's like dealing with a mom dating drunks and stuff. He leaves home at 14 and becomes a box. car hobo. Whoa. And he's like studying people on the train.

Like that's how he learned to act. He's studying people and he's like picking up mannerisms. He's getting fucked up on the train at 14. Whoa. He's just popping into new cities. I mean like his life's a fucking movie. Hell yeah. I love that shit.

He's just a cool motherfucker. Wow. That's unbelievable. That's so Americana, romantic. Oh, dude. I mean, it was hell though. He's like we'd be freezing on the train. Sure.

Smoking weed. Which weed back then, I'm sure you don't know what the fuck you're getting. Devil's grass. Yeah. And smoking weed back, it was like doing heroin. I think. Totally. It was a whole different world.

Reefer Madness. Oh, my God. Remember that horseshit? Jesus Christ. They got off sleep with black men. That was the big, uh, symptom. That was one of the symptoms of weed. Symptoms.

Or whatever. Side effects. Side piece. So like, I haven't seen any of these. You haven't seen it out of the past? I don't, no. Out of the past is one of the best. Really?

Kirk Douglas is the bad guy. That's a fucking great movie. Cape Fear is awesome. Oh, the original. Yeah. He's in the new one, too. What? Yeah.

I didn't catch him. Yeah, he's a lawyer. He's a lawyer. Friends of Eddie Coyle. I think I've seen that. Great book, too. Fucking amazing. Well, 73. Yeah, I've seen this.

Night of the Hunter's a fucking 10 out of 10. He's awesome in that shit. Okay. Yeah, he was good at playing a bad dude. Wow. Well, yeah. You had to run. One good thing about the Epstein list is every comic we know has an Epstein joke and

you're like, ah, seven years ago. And then a new file comes out and you're like, my joke's relevant again. That's how selfish comedians. And it's a great topic because it's like relationship bits where like, you know it's going to, people are going to connect with it. Right. Yeah. It's like everyone's aware of it. No one's pro pito.

Right. I guess a few people on that list. But most people are not. And no one's going to admit it. So you laugh. Those guys probably laugh even like, ah, ha, ha, ha, that's a good one. Yeah. They laugh the hardest.

Hope that email doesn't come out. And like Stephen Hawking, I get to make fun of a guy who's paralyzed because he's a peto. Yeah. And he's dead. And he's dead. It's a win-win. Apparently he liked the midgets. The midgets?

Now, he was a midget guy. That's nice. I guess, yeah. As long as they're of age. Well, I don't know. I don't know about that. I guess from behind, you can't really tell. Maybe the pubs.

Yeah, but... Damn, but it's nice to know. Everyone's got their fetish, right? It's good that there's a group that's desired. Yeah, that's true. But I'm sure they're not thrilled. They're like, yeah, you're not our type. No, no.

But he's still... A woman wants a guy taller. That's true. You're not going to be taller in a wheelchair unless it's a midgette. That's true. Oral from a midget. That's a low blow. All right.

Tweet it. But yeah, Chevy Chase, they get into why he's such an asshole, and it's pretty fascinating. Yeah, like, give me some. Well, he was beaten as a child, beaten quite badly. That'll do it. Yeah, and he's like, he confesses. He's like, I'm wildly insecure, so when someone comes at me, I go at them times 10, I got a short fuse, I'm crazy.

Interesting. Yeah, so. But he was just such a prick. He was a prick, and I never was a huge Chase guy. Me neither. To me, like, fell down, which that wasn't my favorite kind of comedy. It was cartoonish. Yeah. I always

connected way more with Bill Murray. Me too. He was kind of like the cool dick. Love Bill Murray. Like, you watch Groundhog Day or movies like that or Ghostbusters. He's just the cool guy who's kind of a dick and sarcastic. I just thought that was a more fun character. Agreed. Well, did you hear what Tarantino said? What? Tarantino said, I'm a Chevy

Chase man. And the other guy who he was interviewing was like, I'm a Bill Murray man. He's like, I like, I like Chase better because he stayed a dick through the whole movie. Bill Murray's a dick and then learns. He's like, fuck that. You're going to be a dick. It's called an arc. It's an arc. I mean, I don't mean a fucking, you know, Tarantino, I think he's got, he understands movies, but. Yeah, that was, I think, I think an arc is, I was watching as good as it gets the other day. I love that he, he doesn't totally soften, but he softens like just enough. Yes, yes. He's still a dick, but he becomes a little nicer. You need a fucking arc. Yeah, you need a resolution. It's a

movie here. So that was, that was, that was Tarantyton. So which one do you put higher on like the pantheon being like, oh, this is, this guy had the better movies. I would say Chase open, I mean, Christmas vacation, regular vacation, and Caddyshack are lights out. Hall of Fame. Unreal. For sure. Fletch. Fletch. I'll give you Fletch is good. Honorable mention. But better than like Rushmore. Well, hold on. But Bill Murray had great ones too. Ghostbusters. What about Bob Groundhong Day? Stripes. Caddyshack. I'll give you another. Underrated Bill Murray, quick change. Quick change is great.

Underrated. But my point is Bill Murray kept going, whereas Chevy Chase went into like Cops and Robbersons, man of the house, foul play. You know, he had some real stinker roos towards the end. Where Bill Murray kept going, he kind of reinvented with Rushmore, Broken Flowers. Lost in translation. Lost in translation.

Yeah. Not to mention all the West Anderson shit. Exactly. Tenen bombs? Rushmore. Yeah, Tenen bombs. He's great. Hey, Coltrane.

I love a bank robbery movie, dude. Yeah, this is a great one That's great That's New York too 80s New York Yeah Wasn't it Randy Quaid too And that?

Yeah, that's right Randy Quaid's all over shit Yeah, he's good Yeah I was watching I mean dude He's in so many movies You forget He just

Uh, Independence Day Yeah Fucking last detail And Nicholson Oh yeah Yeah It's in the last picture show

I didn't fucking even He's underrated funny And he kind of went nuts He went like QAnon Yeah He went a little nutty Yeah Some people

Go nutty Yeah You're around Long enough You're gonna see Some people Really I had a thought

indulge me here You know like sometimes There's people in your life You write off eventually You're like I just can't be around them anymore Yeah They just went nuts Or you have them around in like a big group

Yes I can't handle them one on one I'm having people over Invite this guy You know he's gonna drink too much You know he's gonna be annoying But you throw in some other And then but then you see people

And they're just like What happened to that guy I'm like sorry about that I made you throw a pick for me In that conversation Right, right. But then I had a realization, I'm that somebody for somebody else. You're that somebody for somebody else.

People are like, I can't be around Mark anymore. It's too bad. Right, right. That's why we were old Ari's wedding. That was our hang, I guess. Yeah, yeah. He was a built-in buffer because there's a whole wedding people. Yeah, dude.

No, it's, there's truth of that for sure. I mean, people do, a lot of it's booze. A lot of people I know that are hard. They just can't handle their liquor and they don't know when to stop drinking. Yeah, but now I think it used to be booze and it's shifted to politics. That's true. But sometimes you get a combination. That's true.

That's true. Yeah, which is the worst. But some people go hard this way. Politics seems like it's more on social media, though. I think if you're watching it coming over to watch a game, it's more like you agree to not do that. Agreed. Agreed. It's less face-to-face, I think.

Yeah, yeah. But I guess we're so online that politics seem like reality. I mean, I'm sorry, social media seems like reality. Totally. But there's the flip side of that, too, where you're somebody's, don't invite that guy, but also that guy might have changed and said don't invite that guy. You didn't change, they changed, and so you're not the crazy one. They kind of went crazy.

So they wrote you off. Does that make sense? Oh, I'll tell you one, too. Some people, they get a little success, they become so fucking insufferable. Peters. I was supposed to do a benefit with a good friend of our. It won't be named, but he's a pretty good friend of ours. And I heard that some comics said she wouldn't do the show because she goes, he's a Nazi.

And I was like, well, I'm friends with him. Oh, wow. I don't think I'd be friends with a Nazi. Yeah, good point. And I was like, no, he's not. And she goes, I'm not doing any bad. I'm like, he's doing a charity thing. Yeah, right.

You know, it's like, it was one of the things where I was like, what? A Nazi. And also, the left's got to stop calling people Nazis and the right's got to stop calling people domestic terrorists. Domestic terrorist is like This like a guy got shot in the street And he's a domestic terrorist Like no Timothy McVeigh

Is a domestic terrorist This is a nurse or whatever Yeah Yeah let's talk about ice on this package That's a light one Just say I needed a comparison Not seeing domestic terrorists We know we can get an escape

We're like we're going political guys And look think what you will I'm just saying domestic terrorist The definition isn't accurate No it's uh It's no certainly not in that case That was And same with that?

Sydney, Sweeney's a Nazi. It's like, come on. That was crazy, too. What are we doing? Yeah, Nazi. Jesus Christ. I know, I know. Well, I always say, is that why I'm so attracted to her?

If you got to up it, then something's bullshit. You know, like, you wouldn't say, like, Chris Brown killed Rihanna. Now he beat shit out of her. But he didn't kill her. But if you have to say kill her, now you make the, you know. Yeah, yeah. No, we're none of us are on board with that. That's why I got so mad about the BBC when they're, like, editing Trump shit.

I'm like, he says crazy shit. You don't have to edit it. You know? That makes it look like, then he gets to go, they're editing all my shit. Yeah, no, it's hilarious. I mean, there was someone from ISIS died, and they were like, he was a thinker, a reader. And you're just like, I think it was BBC. And you're just like, you could, you could throw a negative adjective in there too.

He's reading the Koran. He's thinking about a bomb. Yeah, it's all ridiculous. I mean, it's like the way that, you know, it's supposed to, the news used to be the news. Now there's so much opinion. wherever you go, it's tough. And then if there's not opinion, you still know who owns the network. So you know the influence.

It's tough. It's tough to get your news now. It is, it is. And then everybody goes, we'll have the neutral news. And you start watching that, you're like, this is actually starting to pick a lane, too. So you can't win. That's why I just assume and I make snap judgments and I run off emotion. Yeah.

I'm just kidding. No, I know. I know. How is stress factory, man? Bodega Cat, Whiskey. now at Stress Factory, now at Cobbs and SF, now at all these clubs. I mean, it's exciting. And we're about to be legal in Illinois.

So here comes fucking Chicago, March 1st. That's fucking big time. Chicago, it means hit us up. We already got hit up by a lot of restaurants and stuff. That's Schaumburg Improv, two Zanis, maybe Chicago Theater. Illinois's got a ton of rooms. Three restaurants hit us up, too. Wow.

To our buddy Howard. And then, yeah, so many options there, man. Well, Stress Factory was awesome, but a couple things. Yeah. It's an hour and ten minutes away. So I always think that. So then I leave too late, and every night I was late. I always leave too early, and then I'm just hanging out with Vinny.

Oh, yeah. This is even worse. I'd rather be late. Yeah, same. I love Vinny. He's a fun guy. We had a great talk. He wouldn't let me leave.

But so I was late. So you're like, oh, no, late. So then he's like, I'll go up and do some time. Exactly. Oh, boy. Which happened. You've really fucked your audience on that one. He's doing crowd work now and he's like, what was that?

I know. He's deaf at one ear, but he won't hear this. But he had one... You hear it in his right ear. He had a great line, though. He does at the end of the night where he's like, he goes back up after I'm done. And he goes, all right, guys, a couple announcements. And a guy gets up and he goes, sir, sir, I'm doing announcements. That's so rude.

Sit down. The guy goes, I got to pee. He goes, I'll be two seconds. Just sit down. The guy's like, all right, all right. The guy goes back to his seat, sits down. He goes, so if you have to go to the restroom, now's the time. That's great.

Great gang. Worked every night. He's got some great stories, dude. He does. He's a fun guy. He's a fun guy. He's seen it all. Yeah.

Geez, Geraldo. He died at the club. Next door. Oh, brutal. Crazy. I think about that every time. Legend. But yeah, we had a...

It's some real townies in there. Like, you want to go to America. Go do the fucking Shrest Factory. New Brunswick? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You got some real... It's Rutgers.

Eh. It was like a J6 out there. I mean, it was wild. But great crowds. It's a great time, not offended by anything. But here's the clinker. Yeah. So my Beamer, as you know, famously broke down on the New Jersey Turnpike last year.

A guy let me house it at his house. My mechanic went over to that guy's house, got the car, fixed it. It took weeks and weeks. And he goes, all right, I got to get your car off my shop lot here. How about this? I'll bring into the Stress Factory. I'll watch your show. We'll have a drink.

and then you drive the car home. And I said, perfect. So he comes to the show, he brings the car. Now he goes, here's the keys. Your gas cap is frozen. So I put enough gas in to get you back home. Two, there's no heat. What do you do when the gas cap is frozen?

You got to just heat it with like a heater for like 10 minutes, but he's, I'm not going to do that. I don't have a heater. So he's like, I filled it up. Thank you. Thank you. 1973. It's a great pick, too, Salakis. Yeah.

Time Square. So I go, okay. And he goes, here you go. And by the way, this is a summer car. This thing, he's a mechanic who's like a car guy. He races cars. He's like, this was not easy to get here. So good luck.

So I was like, oh, okay. So we do the two shows. I'm drinking heavily, whatever. Putting them back, bodega cap, bodega cap. And then I'm getting paid at the end. We say bye to the staff. We take a big photo. Drinks, drinks, drinks.

By now it's like 1 a.m. Vinny tells four stories. now it's 1.30, and I'm like, oh, no, I got to bring the car back. I forgot. But he's like, I'll drive you back. He just keeps talking. You're like, fuck. So now I'm shit-faced. The car's, he's like, he's going to take 10 minutes just to start it because it's so cold out. You got to like run it, run it, run it. Then he's like, but don't use all the gas when you're starting it, you know? And then he's like, and there's no heat. So I had to get a blanket from the stress factory. I'm wearing gloves. I'm in the car. I'm in a garage at like two in the morning drunk like, da-da-da-da-da. Just like. You're alone. I'm alone, just letting it run.

And, you know, it's a long stretch back on that turnpike all alone in the dark. And just to cap it all off, I have no insurance, no, what's you call that? Registration. So I'm riding dirty. So I'm drunk, I'm riding dirty, and it's two degrees outside. I've got a blanket and gloves on, and my teeth are chattering. Just picture you turn in the keys and it explodes like in casino? I wish.

That would have been easier. some heat. Yes. Jesus. So I get that puppy on the road and that was a long shaky ride back to New York City. So do you at all regret getting it since you can't really drive it? No, because in the summer, I mean, that thing on the West Side Highway with the wind in your hair, there's nothing better. What's the airbag situation in something like that?

No airbag, no seatbelts and no power steering. Yeah, this is what I wish would have. That's what Norman was wearing, too. Isn't a pink bomber? Oh, man. Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. I was so pig, Sam almost drank me.

I thought it was Pepto. But, yeah, I got home at like 3.30 in the morning. Just like, did the cars or trucks are like, Rahn, get off the road, asshole. And I finally pull that thing in a lot. And you're like, pull your hands off the wheel and, like, frozen to the wheel. Oh.

Yeah, no heat in there. No heat, no heat. Brutal. And if I know Mark, no plates, no insurance? Yeah, I said all this. I said no heat, no plate, no insurance, no registration. Yeah, it's insane. Yeah, so, yeah, I got it there.

We're both going for overstatement. I could go in there. I get it. I get it. I get it. And then, you know, I finally get home, and the wife's like, how to go? And I'm like, good, I made it. She was like, all right.

So the car is safe. That's cool, man. I had a crazy thing happen to me yesterday. So, you know, I play in this comics basketball league every Sunday when I'm home. Our boy, J.P. McDade, we're playing a game. goes up, drives to the hoop, ruptures his fucking Patella.

Ooh! Patella, what's that? This? Knee. Knee is like, it's looking bad. And it's one, like, I watch enough basketball. We're getting older.

You know that's fucking bad. Oh. Like, we didn't know that's what it was, but I was like, this ain't a sprain. This is fucking serious. Yeah. Because he's down and he's in pain.

And he's tough. He's not, you know. Sure. He took it better than fucking some NBA players I've seen with this. Yeah, LeBron. Whoa! Flagrants are.

out of control. And then, but yeah, we had to fucking carry him to the. Jeff Saruli, thank God, drives us to the ER to the hospital. He's gonna have to get surgery, man, it's fucking serious.

And JP's 6-6, I feel like it might be in his story. His heads out one side of the window, his legs are out the other side of the window, laying down. The best part is he's down on the ground and someone's like,

someone get ice from the bodega. One of the comics runs out grabs ice from the fucking sidewalk. Like actual ice. We're like, no, that's not. It just melts.

Oh, man. Look at Sam. Look at like the angel of death right here. God damn. He's about to take his soul. Poor Jake, because these tall guys, they shatter like glass. Well, no, only that, but he's, but he's like a pretty strong tall guy. Sure, sure.

I was setting picks. He was fucking hitting me. But he, uh, we get in there. He's in a wheelchair. The guy is a fucking idiot. The guy's pushing him. And, you know, JP's 6-7. Six-seven.

So he's, like, just wheeling. JP's legs elevated. The guy's not looking. Just bangs him into a fucking... He's like, ah! He's like my leg. And the guy's like, oh, my bad. I'm like, yeah, you gotta look.

It's like a sitcom. You got to look. Come on. So it's crazy. But yeah, he's a tough dude. That's a long recovery, though. Really? It'll be all right.

He'll be all right. Like, what? A couple of weeks, a month? A couple weeks? If it's fully ruptured, I don't know if it is, that could be a fucking year, dude. Damn. Sorry, man. He'll be back.

Thank God he's a writer. Well, I want to go. Between shows. I don't need you chewing. I have food. Salis he's offered as a cookie, which is very nice. But I'm going to put you on a list. You've got to get there.

You're offering cookies. What are you, my uncle? Yeah. You got to eat more cookies. Take a cookie. Damn, that sucks. Now, who pays for that? Is he going to sue you for picking him?

For pick? No, no, no. I was very far from that play. Okay, thank God. God, that'd be a hilarious lawsuit. No, no, no. Well, the thing about these injuries are there are no contact. Ah.

So no one hit him. He just fucking lost balance. So it's like the no contact injuries in sports are the ones where you're like, fuck. You want contact. I got knee to knee of that game. You're like, oh, that stinks for like 30 seconds. Right. But then you're fine.

But like no contact, that's when you're tearing Achilles. You fucking do something like this. Damn, we're getting old too. And I wonder if the cold doesn't help. Oh, it's indoors. Oh, okay, okay. Who else is at that game? A lot of comedians.

A lot of comedians. But I don't know if you guys know them. But Joel Walkowski, he won't do it. Yeah. But, yeah, it's a... Damn, that's a bummer. Yeah, not good. We forget, like, whenever you're sick or when you get injured, you're like, oh, my God, I don't realize how much you do in a day.

Like, eight pods, work out, go right, go do shows, get on a flight, get on Uber. Oh, picture airport security on crutches. Exactly. I mean, that's, yeah, but he'll, look, he'll figure it out. But, God, damn. Yeah, that sucks. See that you just see your boy go down. Damn, Patella, too.

That's a... Fucking bad. That's a doozy. Doofy. Yeah, I've broken both ankles just skateboarding. Are you serious? Just, you know, as a teenager. Yeah, as a teenager, you bounce back a little more quickly.

Yeah, both angles, one wrist, a lot of fingers. Yeah. But, yeah, never had a like a Patella. Oof. Yeah. A friend one time skateboarding. Board flipped up, knocked his tooth out. Ooh.

Yeah. Stavi? Ha, ha. That guy's never skateboarding. Remember he didn't have a tooth for like three years Yeah I remember that That was a wild time And he was still getting laid

That's true God bless him Oh my god Wow look at that Yeah I think there was a point where he was like I'm gonna ride this out This is kind of gonna be my thing I remember he walked into a club once

And I was with a friend of mine And she's very attractive And she goes there's something really sexy about it Whoa She goes he just doesn't give a fuck Whoa I was like you should see my apartment I don't think of that

So we haven't had a solo in a while. Do you guys working on any bits? Most of the shit I've been doing that's new because I'm honing for a special has been topical. So I've either thrown it on social media or I just kind of drop it, you know? I got a couple. One is too heavy. It's like a long chunk, so I'm not going to break it out here. You can break it out.

Break something out. I have one angle, too. I could run by you. It might be nothing, though. But yeah, let's. All right, I got this. This one's a little lighter. but, you know, getting older.

Stop doing drugs, really. So now I take vitamins. But the problem with vitamins is they don't do anything. Like, you don't feel anything. So I know we shit on drugs and drugs are bad, but they feel great. Vitamins are good for you. I feel nothing. So this is like a big bummer.

Yeah, it's never like, oh, shit, I feel that zinc kicking in. Yeah, exactly. So I'm like, I even forget to take my vitamins. I've never forgotten to do drugs. You know, no one's like, oh, that blow. I forgot all about it, you know? and no one goes to rehab for vitamins because you don't have to, they're not fun.

And it's like annoying, it's like flossing. It's annoying to take your vitamins. It's like, oh yeah, I got to do that. Yeah. You never feel that way with drugs. You're never like, I guess I've got to do some Coke. Exactly, exactly. Yeah.

And it's a multivitamin. Like this has got zinc, ginkgo, baloba, calcium, potassium, vitamin A, B. Still nothing. Well, who knows that that shit's even good at this point? I don't even know. You know what else is they had Flintstone's vitamins for kids. Oh, yeah. So kids would take them.

You never see like ecstasy shaped like a fucking X-Men or something. Oh, yeah. That's true. Well, then the big ending is like, vitamins are like a crypto guy. I'm like, how do you make money? I never see you work. But then vitamins are like an immigrant. They're illegal, but they fucking work.

You know, and that part's hitting. But, yeah, they should make vitamins feel good or something. It's weird that the one that's good for you has no upside. It's like a religion. You got to have faith. Yes, that's been done, though. Oh, that's been done? I think Atel or Marin, one of them had a bit, like, where it's like you have to pray.

It's like prayer. It's like prayer. It doesn't work. Like, I, it was Maren. Maren was like, I mock prayer, but I take vitamins. There's no proof of that. I think so I just steer clear of that angle. But I remember, I remember opening for him in like 2011, and he was doing that.

It's a good bit. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm working on it. And part of it's hitting, you know, I've never sucked dick for zinc, yada. You know. Zinc's a funny sound.

Zinc is funny. You got that C at the end. That's a nice. Yeah, omega-3s. Yeah, there's a lot of funny vitamins. It is funny how you get excited for certain vitamins, though, as you get older. And, like, the same way you get excited for drugs when you were younger, that's it, you know, we're getting older. You're like, ooh, glutathione.

This is kind of cool. Right. You know? Yeah, vitamins you want it to be stepped on. Like, I'm reading a multi, and I'm like, oh, this is in there, too? Hey, we're drugs. You're like, there's no fentanyl in here, huh? Yeah, there's something there's something there for sure.

I got one I'll run by. Let me see if I had a couple ideas. A lot of these are just trash, so heads up. What do I have? I'm going through the old emails. Email? Who the hell you send in these two? Do myself.

Ah. You don't do that? Nah, I do the notes. Let me see what I got. I do both, but I just like to have it everywhere. Let's see what I got. Fuck. See, I don't have this down the way I wanted it.

Hmm. But let me see. Yeah, I'll find it. All right. I was going to just say to the folks at home, watch the Mel Brooks duck. Oh, I hear it's fucking unbelievable. Judd made it who just did this. Judd has found, this is where, this is his thing.

She's the doc guy, the comedy duck guy. Shanling, Mel Brooks. He got a norm one coming out. He did another one, I think. Here's the angle I have. And it's not, I might have to flip it. Something's off. I'll try it maybe tonight. Like how comedians we live in our heads.

And you listen to the voice in your head. It guides you. Like, we're kind of like, if you think about it, we kind of do the same thing mass shooters do. You listen to the voices in your head. And it guides you to do your thing for a big crowd. You know what I mean? Oh, that's good.

So it's like, really, it's the same technique. We're just not hurting people, you know. We both have notebooks. They call theirs manifestos. Hey, I like this. We're both societal outcasts. both got bullied in school, and for both of us, this is kind of our way of making things right?

Oh. There's something there, right? This is great, yeah. I like it. I'll play with it. I told you it's clunky as fuck, but there's something to that. No, this is a good idea, good premise.

Good A to B. I'll just, I try to just, what I do now is I just like take a notebook. I used to use like that typewriter thing. I just take a notebook and I just try to write in a room and just fucking free associate for like 30 to an hour. Yeah, I do the same thing. And it's usually just garbage,

but if you get any thought. I had another thought, though, maybe be something about like how I'm for your right to own a gun but I would never want to date a woman who owns a gun not because I don't think it's her right but I just I'm aware of how annoying I am and I know that people would be like what like yeah that's great there's something to that too that I'll run these this week and on the road maybe it's like a vibrator joke like guns like a vibrator with a woman eventually you're going to need it oh that's good eventually she's going to use it yeah yeah and it's going to be my fault exactly there we

Yeah, we got that. Yeah, Peter, sound bite that so I can grab that later or whatever. All right, there's something there. After I let her down, she's going to need it, both of them, you know, in some way. After I piss her off, she's going to need it, yeah. Right, right. Mars men, nobody really warned you about it, but somewhere in your 30s, things start to feel different. The same workouts don't hit the same. Recovery takes longer. Energy dips in ways you can't quite explain. It sneaks up on you.

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states. Order now and drink at willies.com. And use code WMBD for 20% off your first order, plus free shipping on orders over 95 bucks, and enjoy life in the high country. Willys, drinkwillies.com. D-R-I-N-K-W-I-E-S. Uh-uh. Yeah, there's something there. That's fun. Yeah, anything else you work?

Yeah, yeah, well, this is a big one. This is a big one. So I'm doing this whole chunk because we're so divided as a country, blah, blah, blah. So I'm doing all these reasons why the left and the right are similar instead of focusing on our differences and hating each other. Because we got to come together, blah, blah, blah. So I'm doing this whole thing how we're similar. the right wants to deport.

The left wants to abort. We're both just trying to get rid of somebody. You know, so let's come together on that. Both of us are pro-population control. Yeah, yeah. Like the left-wing lady's like, well, hey, this baby was put into me unconsensually. And he's like, well, this guy snuck in too. You know, and then, you know, like...

Snuck in is good. Yeah, that part hits. And then, by the way, that was hard to make that not dark. You know, I got raped. But then I got a million of them You know like well he's this baby She's like I can't afford this baby And he's like well this guy's sucking off the teat of citizens or whatever

And then Tax something with taxes yeah Yeah and she's like well it's cruel to just get rid of somebody Talking about the immigrant He's like that's what I'm saying So they're just going back and forth back and forth And how it's not different And then eventually's like fine

I'll get rid of this Mexican baby And he's like he's Mexican, kill it So they come together on the fact that the baby's Mexican You know whatever But I got a bunch of back and forths on that There's a lot of common ground there Yeah And I like bits where you were like bringing people

Like oh we have more in common than you thought Yeah no one's going that angle more everything I was like Fuck the right fuck the left on either side Let's do you have any others for that for that Or is it just the immigration abortion thing I got this thing about how The extreme right is like hey We'll draw a swastika on a synagogue

And the extreme left's like just do it on a cyber truck You know like we're not that different. And the extreme left is like genitalia does not define your gender and the extreme right's like Michelle Obama's got a dick. So, you know, if you look at it, we're kind of a horseshoe. Interesting. Yeah. These are ideas.

As long as she doesn't play in any sports leagues. Should be fun. No, it's, there's a lot there. I think you've got to run with that. That's great. Oh, thanks. A lot there. Thanks, yeah. But it's abortion and ice in one bit, so it's, I'm fucking tightro walking. Yeah, but that'll

excite people too. Topical. I can You always get more leeway with topical. Right. I've found. Oh, for sure. But, yeah, that's good stuff. I want to see if I wrote down any other shit that's got any legs here. I feel like most of my shits, I'm just honing right now.

But I got to get back to the lab and work on this. Well, you've got a special coming out, so you've got to be focused on the old hour. I am focused on it. I got peeves. Oh, hit me. Let's do a peeve. Hit me, fattie. Let's see.

I got You know what actually We do a lot of peeves Let me do a An up Should I do a toast What do you call a toast Hit me with a toast

Honesty and social situations Like avoiding small talk I was in the elevator day I get in There's two women And they just kind of froze When I walked in And I was kind of like

All right And then she goes We froze Because we were talking about We were talking about How much you bleed At your vagina After pregnancy

And I was kind of like I like I like that. Yeah, I like the, you told me that. I like that there was on, because like, you know, it's usually the weather, which is, it's fine. I'm not like mad at the small talk, but bleeding out of the vagina. I've never had that conversation with strangers in an elevator. I love it. And then as they walked out, I said, resume. And we all got a thumbs up was a nice moment. That's great. Good for you, ladies. And look, we're not grossed out by that. No, not at all. Yeah. I'll still go down there. Sure. So I told her. I'll still go down there. Down the elevator. I love the toasting. This is a new thing now. We've done occasionally. But I like, you know, we always do negative.

Because I've noticed on Seinfeld, I'm sure Peeve kind of came from Seinfeld on some level. Sure. I've always annoyed by everything. But they do say, love this too. I love the toast. So we should throw in a toast, too. Yeah, I had one to salsa bar. Any rush out with a salsa bar.

I love a salsa bar. I got a fucking, speaking of that, I got a wreck slash toast. Ardvark hot sauce. Phenomenal. Okay, never heard of it. It's, the habanero red is amazing. They got a Chipotle that's great. They got a Verde.

It's such good hot sauce. I love it. I put it on my eggs every day. I love it. I know it's a stereotype that white people like bland food, but I fucking live for hot sauce. I got like 13 hot sauces in my fridge. You're a Nola guy. I feel like that's all like spice.

It's all Cajun, yeah. So yeah. You have the home of Tabasco too? No. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Well, I think it's, what is it, Abita Springs or something?

No. Abita's good beer, dude. Great beer. Great beer. Purple. Purple. Purple. Remember.

Hey. Amber? I remember that shit. Dude, this is a... Yeah, that's good-ass hot sauce. Oh, it's in the squeezy. I love the squeezy. Love a squeezy. Love the squeezy bottle. Yeah, it's got flavor, baby. Mark, can you wreck Lee's Hawaiian in Lyndonhurst's Jersey, please?

Oh, yeah, sure. Go to Lees Hawaiian. It's a Polynesian restaurant in Lindenhurst, Salkees found it. It was a poo-poo platter. It's the last one in the country or whatever. Traditional. It's like a seafood tower with a flame on the top. Whoa. It's got egg rolls. Shrimp toast, skewers, pot stickers. And it looks insane. It's like out of a movie.

It's like out of an Elvis film. There it is. It's hilarious we call it the poo-poop ladder. I know. Their term. P-U. P-U. I know, but it just sounds insane.

Yeah. But they got a drink called the zombie. It comes in the big, you know, the big head with the straw and the umbrella. There it is. So good. And this own from the 60s same owner, you know, still running killer. Dah, I love that. Yeah.

Zombie, those kind of like tropical bars. I ended up at one of those with Jim Jeffries once, and we were just fucking... I saw him actually over the weekend, too. We got to get nice dinner, fun times, man. Is he still sober? He's sober. Ah, everybody's getting sober. For him, it might have been a good thing.

That's true. He went hard. That's true. It was kind of impressive. Yeah. When Aussies, when you're Australian and you got a drinking problem and you had to quit, you should have quit. That's a good point. Those guys fucking drank down under.

That's a good point. Oh my God. It's like Irish. people. When an Irish guy's like, you're drinking too much. Totally. You're gone too far. I remember him, like, he'd be like fucking 15 drinks deep on stage and still delivering. I know. Which is like impressive, but also you're like, that ain't good. No. I remember a guy heckled him once. He goes, you're going to wake up tomorrow and you're going to think I was a bit of a cunt.

And that's the only time you're right. Damn. That's a good line. Yeah. Hold on. I had a toast. shit. I love a toast. Oh, I had one. I got to do a peeve while you think of it. Do it to the peeve because I had a toast. I lost because a poo-poop-poil platter threw me off. By the way, I picture when you got in an elevator, it was like the shining with the blood. With the two women. Pull that up. They were two little girls too. Oh, I got one. Restaurants closed from weird hours. Like two to four. So I got to eat lunch at 1.30 or fucking 4.15? That's crazy. That's crazy.

I don't like weird hours. I don't either because we're comedians. We have weird hours. Yeah. So we're not going to be in the traditional time zone area. Also, it closed for like, plays it closed for like an hour and a half. An hour and a half. What is it?

Intermission? Yeah. Come on. Get your fucking oven on. That pisses me off. Yeah, I'm with you. What do you got? I can't remember it.

You said it when you said the, what was your toast? Oh, the honest. The annoyance of the avoidance of small talk and having like an actual thing. Because it's more entertaining. You have an actual moment. Yeah. I don't know. I guess you risk offending a person, but also like, you're not going to offend me.

Oh, I got the peeve. I got it back. Thank you. What do you got? All right. This should be a crime. This is beyond peeve. Metaphylia.

Well, that I'm okay with. But this should be, this is worse than pedophilia. Yeah. These cunts, these sick, twisted, come-guzzling Nazis, domestic terrorists who do the, hey, you made a reservation, if you don't oblige it, you get $50 charge. This is a new thing in the world. Yeah. This Rezi thing where if you don't show up to your reservation, they charge you $50. Very fucked up, but here's the counter of that. Okay. What do they do if people just don't show up? Then now you're at a table. Okay, but what if you go, sorry, I'm not going to show up.

That was my counter, because we made a reservation. When we go. Okay, what's the window? I'll give you the situation. This is now, you're bringing up a good point because this is now we don't get the same leeway. Like, I'll give you an example. I'm in D.C. a few weeks ago. And I call an Uber. There's a 10 minute waiting in an hour. That's annoying, right?

Well, you're like, all right, 10 minutes. I'll wait. At one minute, the guy just cancels on me. If I do that, they charge me. Agreed. Why doesn't it work both ways? Yes, because they have all the power. We have no leverage.

Not to mention, you try to complain these days. It's fucking impossible. I had postmates. I ordered it in food the other night. And I'm not ordering in when it's super cold out because I feel guilty. I'll go out and get shit. But when it's, it was like a regular whatever, I order in food. Hour 45 minutes later.

I'm like, where is this shit? I don't want the food. Now it's going to be cold. It's been laying around. And they're just no response. Right. I was like, well, I got to talk to someone and you get this fucking AI shit now. Yeah.

Where they're just like, I empathize with your problem. I don't give a fuck if you empathize it. Give me a New York robot. Give me a New York robot. who's like, that's fucked up. Let me find this right now. Yeah, I'm bleeding here. I hate this AI robot shit.

I hate it too, but it's easy for them because you ever tried to call Uber? It's impossible. They just, they don't employ people. They don't employ people. They're making it with fucking money. So you got to do like the AI app where you're texting with a guy and it's not a real guy. And they're like, we're so sorry. But yeah, like, I can I let my phone on Uber?

I'm like, hey, can I get the answer to the Uber guy? I need the phone number for the guy who last drove me. And they're like, boop, boop, we'll see what we can do. And I'm like, the guy's leaving. We're wasting time. Dude, it's crazy. So I'm with, I'm with you on that. I just, if it's like a mom and pop restaurant, I do feel guilty people canceling.

And now, you know, it's Saturday nights when they make their buck. So that's the one where I'm like, all right, I'm pro restaurant. I'm against these big fucking apps who are like, and by the way, Uber owns all this shit. They own postmates. Oh, really? You're just like, oh, I'll switch to another. Like, now Uber owns that too. Ah, well, here's the scenario.

So it's Sunday. me and the wife, I'm home because they did a stress factory, so I'm home early. I say, I wake up, and I go, I'm taking you out for a hot lady dinner tonight in New York City, baby doll. Well, we had a nice dinner date somewhere in Soho. If you said it, I'd know it, a Lower East Side area. Real swanky, like girls like to take pictures there at restaurant, you know. Damn, what kind of food? I believe French.

So I was like, put your dancing shoes on, bitch. We are cooking tonight. We're going out. out. So she got the fur out, the whole thing. And this is at like 9 in the morning, 10 in the morning. We make a reservation on Resi, those twats. And then by noon, she was like, it's fucking freezing. I'm a little sick. I don't know if I want to go out. And in my head, I'm like, great, I'll save $200. But also, I get to stay in. I'll watch the Chevy Chase talk. I didn't want to go out. I was doing it for her. But I go, well, you might want to cancel that

Rez and she goes, oh yeah, good idea. So there's still eight hours to fill the res and they charge her 50 bucks. Eight hours is, yeah, I think that's a fair window. I did a similar thing with Jim Jeffries. I picked the spot. It was a 23-hour, they say they want a 24-hour window to cancel. I canceled a 23 that didn't charge me. Which was nice to them because, you know, but.

Oh, they didn't. They didn't. They didn't. No, he brought a friend of his and they picked some fancy restaurant in the, in Soho. some Indian place. It's fucking unreal. Oh, okay. Some really good spot.

But now we spent half the day calling people that we know. Like, do you want to fill this reservation? It's a really nice restaurant. And they were like, oh, I can. I'm out of town. Whatever. So we're trying to fill it to save the 50s.

And buy Taylor Swift tickets. I mean, Jesus Christ, I'm trying to get dinner. I know, exactly. No, it is crazy. But that used to not be a thing, right? No. It's my chips and salsa, my hotel, my deluxe burger. Add that to the list.

The reservation now. They squeeze you. They squeeze you. Well, that's, it's not the restaurant. It's Resi, right? Sure. So, but I guess it's, I don't know. Who knows?

Where does that money go? Does it go to the restaurant? Does it go to Resi? I bet it split it. Oh, yeah. So they're not going to push back on it because they're making a couple bucks for doing zero work. Sometimes they just call the place and you're like, well, they're okay with it.

And then you can get out of it. Oh, I should call a restaurant. Well, if you call like Amex or something and they're like, they're cool with you waving this. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, some, I guess. I never thought to do that. Call Amex. You know what, domestic terrorists I really hate?

Are the guys who, like, overpack their cigarettes? This thing? They just, like, hit it over and over again. Ah, that bothers you? No, if you do it once or twice, this is normal. But the guys just, like, really make an effort. What do you think it's, like, a nervous tick or something? I don't know.

They're making some sort of, like, masculine statement. I don't know what it is, but I hate it. Interesting. Wow, it's weird. That might be a you thing. I just don't see it a lot. I feel like you just saw it in a bother than you once. I feel like it's not a common thing.

Yeah. But like, no, I guess it would annoy me if a guy was just like doing it. But it's like, yeah. You're not doing it any. I'm not seeing it a lot.

I'm not seeing it more and more. I've seen the guy with the Zen who just knocks his index finger all over it over and over. I mean, never see those old pictures of baseball players who would dip and their and their fucking lip is like down here. Oh, I love that shit. That's not. That's wild.

That is not healthy. Pull up that Super Bowl photo where the guy's drinking and dipping. drinking smoking on halftime. Oh. And it's just a different world. I mean, all these guys died at 61. Look at that motherfucker. Jesus Christ.

Len Dykstra. Yeah. Wasn't he in prison? Yeah, he's in prison now for gambling and not paying debts and stuff. Play for the Mets too. Gambling? Played for your amazons.

Yeah, that's right. Nice. Good to have you back. I'll tell you. I'm back. All right. I send you some clips too, Salakius. Yeah.

Let me just bring up this Keith Hernandez smoking photo at Sam. Oh, well, yeah. I just rewatched the Keith Hernandez. Seinfeld. That's a class. He's a good actor, man. It wasn't bad, yeah. That was solid.

I'm not driving at the airport. They're helping to move. Yeah. That's just, that show is all peeves. That's true. I mean, he's mad that, this made me think of you, Norman, how we celebrated diversity in 1995. What is this? A cartoon?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is not real. This is too funny. I got your tacos. I think the animation is real, but the lyrics he goes, Uga-Buga. It's no way that's real.

It was the 90s, dude. Wow. Well, bring it back. I guess you get away with racism, you're like, isn't this beautiful? And then you just show ugly stereotypes. Right. Wow. Uga-Buga-Buga is crazy.

Uga-Buga is crazy. That's why. That's fucking bad. It's a whole continent, too. These three guys represent South Africa, East Africa, Nairobi, Kenya. Isn't acceptance great? Egypt is in Africa, by the way. Oh, that's hilarious.

Three guys. Whole continent. What else we got? That's good stuff. Which one's this? News series? I didn't watch that. Oh, dude, I remember the name of the show.

This is crazy. Is that Carrie Busey son? Yeah. Oh, wow. Shasta McNasty. Not to mention that, like, classic dance they do with you. Like, I feel like you had to do that in a sitcom back in the day. Yeah, right.

Wow, I've never heard of it. I don't know how long this show lasted, but like, holy shit. This is, like, one step away from Uga Buga. Like, that joke could be in here. That's Mary Red Nitzky, no, what's her name? Yes, yes. From 24. Yeah.

She was a comic, yeah. She was a comic. She is a comic. She is a comic. Dude, uh, but it's amazing that, like, you look at this shit, you're like, oh, this got made. Yeah. Think of all the shit we've had that's been passed on.

That's true. Oh, UPN, that's why. UPN was the bottom of the barrel of networks. What does Shaston McNasty meet? What is it? I assume he's a rapper and these are his buddies or something. There's Jeff Ross is in it, Vern Schroier's in it. Whoa.

Rice Cub. Marissa Rice Cub? What's that lady's name? Oh. She's an L.A. comic. She's funny. Mary Lynn. Mary L.

Rice Club. Yeah, she's funny. Yeah, she's good. Wow. She's great on 24. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And I think Janine was on that. Yeah. Garofalo. Damn. Okay, this one. Have you seen this shit? Boy, you got quite a... I had three locked and loaded. Also from like previous episodes, but we just had shit to talk about. You ready? What do you say?

I'm gonna marry a girl who's 13 years old. It's every rock song in the 50s. That's great. That's pretty good. That's great. Is he a comic or is he... He must be. That's fucking wild. That's great. See, that's what's great.

Movies have kind of comedy movies are gone by the wayside. But these guys are picking up the rear. What shout out is that? What is it? Kyle Gordon is great. Yeah, that's a funny-ass video. Very funny. He's got a million of them.

Look at this guy. He's doing the work. A million views. A million views. Oh, he's cooking. He doesn't need our help. Damn. All right.

All right. Funny's funny. That was funny. Good for you, Kyle. Can you shout us out, Kyle? Yeah. Shout us. You're bigger than us.

What do we got? Any other peeves? I got a few, I think. Oh, that Rezzi thing really pissed me off. I got a fixed for the Reilly if you want it. What? Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you on Mike?

Oh. He said, get a $10 prepaid credit card only. Give them that. And they hold that and they can only ever take 10 bucks. Isn't that like fuck up, oh, prepaid, I guess your name's not even on it. Yeah. Is that, are you allowed to do that? Fuck them.

I'm doing it. No, I wonder if they... I would think they would ask for a name. I think they just ask for a card, right? The card number. I guess so. As long as it goes through, they're like, great. You can make virtual cards with your name on it.

Oh. Thank you. I'm doing it. I got one more peeve. Please. People who hit you with one of these, it's crazy. You've never done this. And you're like, no, it's not.

It's not. Yeah. You're in like, you know, Chicago or something like, you haven't been. That's crazy. You got it. I'm like, no, it's not crazy. I don't live here. Yeah.

Right. I've been here many times. I've done a lot of stuff. Yes. Yeah, I'm with you on that. It's crazy. They're like, just maybe like, you have to do it. Yeah, that's fine.

Don't make me feel bad for not doing the random thing that you're into. How about this? Oh, you should do that. That's fine. Yeah. That's crazy. You know, you're a dumb piece of shit. I know.

For never having done it. That's my wife. That's crazy. You never been to the gym? Oh. No, I hate that. You've never tongue my asshole? That's crazy.

That's crazy. That's crazy. You never been there. you gotta get a resi to my asshole if you want to eat yeah we booked the date if you can't so you gotta pay me 50 bucks

or eat my ass I hate the I probably said this before but the guy who goes similar to this he goes you go I never knew that

you didn't know that that's kind of why I said I didn't know that now you have to double down on me I didn't know that you didn't know that that's why I said I didn't know that yeah

yeah it's like the people who are like this. You haven't seen this movie? Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah, I haven't seen every movie. Exactly. There's a couple blind spots. Exactly.

Just happens to be your favorite movie. I haven't seen it. I'm sorry. Yeah, how about, oh, you'd like it. That's great. That's it. You'd like it. God, I've known nothing about our next guest.

I'm nervous. We'll figure it out. Ah, yeah, I don't know. He's very charming. Charmed, charmed. Yeah. Yeah, we'll make it work. He was in Jumanji?

Was he? One of them, I think, isn't it? Oh, wow. He's been in some, he's been a lot. He's in that bad teacher show in BBC. He's in a lot of shit. All right, all right, all right. Yeah, we'll be fine.

Now, where are you at on TV? Hmm. Like, would you do TV? Like, make my own show? No, like if Blackish was like, hey, we got a part, you got to audition. Does that do anything for you? If it gave me a part, I'd be like maybe. But, yeah, I don't.

Audition takes the whole fucking day. Takes the day. Not to mention if you get it, you got to fly out there. Then you're in it for. Not to mention you get there, they're like, Blackish has been off the air for 10 years. Oh, shit, I thought I was still on. What does that say? I might still be.

I feel like it's not on. I don't think it's on. But that's how little I know about TV. If someone who's like, that's been going for 20 years, I'd be like, oh, all right. Yeah, I just, uh, how long is it off? Six seasons. That's a good run it had, though. That's a damn good run in this climate.

2022, 22, 2014 to 2020. Well, you know, yeah, I think I would, like, love to make a show. But that's, I like, I like acting and shit I make. I don't love... Same. I'm not like dying to just be an actor. It's kind of boring. I agree.

Unless you love them. Unless it wasn't like some... Sure. Like curb. Or like an awesome director or something. Yeah, yeah. But if they flew out there, you're in this for... It's a 22-minute show, so then you're in it for three minutes maybe, if you're lucky.

Is that going to move a ticket? Is that going to sell anything? I mean, you get to meet one of the... Lawrence Fishburn. That's kind of cool. Is he on that show? I'm looking at the guy in the blue suit. brain to God.

Yeah, he's great actor. Yeah. Yeah, man. I think it's just like whatever. Yeah. Oh, here's a peeve. Yeah. Enough with the pills.

You know, people go, he's been red-pilled, he's been blue-pilled, he's been black-pilled, he's been white-pilled. He's on the pill. Blue-chew. Enough with the pills.

I'm sick of hearing about pills. Everybody's been pilled. Red-pilled. What's white-pilled? White-pill is, like, is positive. I think things are going to work out. I never heard of that one.

I think I think I'm. might have made that up. But, oh, white pill. It's on optimism. Optimism. I've never heard it. Because no one's fucking happy anymore. Is black pill the opposite?

Yeah, black pill's like all over. We're doomed anyway. Might as well not try. It's all going down the shitter. So there's red, black, white, blue. And no others? I'm sure there's others that we don't know about. Brown pill?

That's when you start shitting everywhere? I guess. What else? There's got to be more pills. but everybody's on some pill which is I guess fitting because we're all on medication Are you on any meds?

No You don't take anything I take stuff to sleep What do you take? Shit, what's it called? Like THC? Well I take that But I also take a thing

It's a schizophrenia drug It starts with an O Oh If you said it, I'd know it Okay, sorry I'm looking at the pills Are they other pills? I think I got all the pills

Yeah But aren't you glad you don't I know guys who wake up take Atarol Then they take it anti-exiting whatever Then they take shit to go to bed It's like to come down off the Adderall Yeah, to me without the middle stuff Well the anxiety stuff is the worst

Because anxiety like have you ever had a panic attack I feel so fucking bad for those people I think I have once in college That was it I think I had like one or two And I was like this is crazy It's crazy you think you're gonna die I was pouring sweat

Yeah I was like the room was spinning So like if you need that shit take a fucking pill. When did that happen to you? I smoked, I took an edible and it was like, I had a full on,

like I was on the floor, like hanging on for dear life. But that's not a panic attack that's brought on by a drug. I'm talking about like when you're like trying to perform or you're trying to fall asleep and you just start sweating.

You're like, what the fuck is going on? One time, I drink a shitload of coffee and one time I think I just really overdid it. And I was on stage, happened to Vitor 2. I think it was the altitude in Salt Lake. And we both were like,

what the, I got a stage. I was like, shortness of breath. I couldn't fucking, I don't think the crowd knew, but I got off and Veter's like, I told him and he goes, yeah, me too. Holy shit. I was like, we're freaking the fuck out. Damn. It's weird when it happens during a set because you're like just fucking smile and keep doing the jokes. Everything's cool, but you're freaking out a little bit.

Yeah, that's scary. I only had one in college. I was in community college. I failed out of college, barely got in a community college. My life is hanging on by a thread. I was an alcoholic. My parents hated me. I was a loser.

community college, I'm staring at a math test I don't know any of what any of it means. It's all fucking Greek hieroglyphics, algebra, and I knew I wasn't going to pass this test. I was going to pass the class and I was going to fail out again and it all kept crashing down. I was staring at the test and I kept seeing drops of sweat hit the page.

Wow. And I was like, oh God, oh my life, I'm a loser. I'm going to hell. I'm going nowhere. And I just, you know, spazzed out and put my head down. and then the guy, the teacher was like, you okay? And I was like, I need some air.

And I walked out and I was like, ah, and then I came out of it. But I failed the class and everything. Damn. Yeah. Yeah, it sucks when there's nothing you can do to console yourself because reality is just what it is. I know. You're like, this is going to happen.

This is it. That's what I was thinking with JP yesterday. I was like, I'm trying to be positive. I'm making jokes. Like, you know, I was like, thank God you're not Sebastian. Your career would be over, you know, but you don't move around on stage anyway. I'm trying to like say fun things to get a smile. That's cool.

And he was in good spirits, but you're like, oh, no, but you will be and this is just reality. And he understood it. I mean, it's like, it sucks for me like, this is what it is. Yes, yes. There's no getting around it. That's it. It's like a funeral. This is it.

It's, she's dead, they're dead, whatever. It's, that's reality. It's sad, but true. But the, you know, it's so sad, these math tests, I would just write in numbers and, like, scratch stuff out, and then, like, write a six with an X on top, but then I'd do a fraction. I made it look like I tried, even though it was. all fake. It was all just random letters I put in just to the teacher was like, oh, okay, he's trying. It's hilarious. It's so sad. It's so sad. I'm so bad at math. I think you can see

through that immediately. Of course, but I was fucking 19. I've been there though where you're like, maybe I can outsmart the teacher. Yeah. Show your work. I've been there. Yeah. Show your work is the worst because they're like, none of this makes sense. None of it. None of it. And you're just like, yeah, I was trapped. Literally like a goodwill hunting type problem on that. that page and I'm like I will you could put a gun in my mouth uh uh cocaine to my ass I have 10 years I'll never figure this out 10 years so yeah I just had a panic attack I like that T-you fucking idiot you like this isn't helping this is not helping yeah oh fuck that would be great if you put the gun on my mouth I'm like T equals eight squared like I just figured it out

did you ever see this I've seen this ah this is this is this is funny because this is what comedy used to be. At some point, this became offensive. Do you want to set it up, Mark? What it is? This is Howard Stern. Artie and Norm, and Artie was on Matt TV. He did some racial shit on that show.

Are you kidding? That's my white mama. Oh, Artie or Howard? Artie. Oh, Artie, yeah, yeah. Artie had a lot of... He's from Newark. Yeah.

So he pitched a skit on Matt TV that didn't run. It was called Good Will Smith Hunting. Yeah. TV they would often I pitched a thing Goodwill Smith Goodwill Smith

He worked at an old black college and you know The problem on the black board that I think I was 2 plus 2 Uh Hard to It puts a 4 and they go Who saw this?

Hard to believe why this one didn't make the show SNL's got a very different writer's room Yeah Also happy Black History Month, everybody. Oh, wow. Good point.

Boy, you see this trend going around. Rosa Parks' husband had a car. And everybody's pissed about it. And I'm like, maybe we shouldn't have waited until February 1st to break this puppy out. That's hilarious. But it's going viral. That bitch, her husband had a car the whole time. It's all bullshit.

Whatever. You got a fucking car. You take public transit. That's good. I know. It's just a funny idea that she's like, I'm taking the bus. He's like, I'll give me a ride. She's like, I want to take the bus.

Yeah. The one day he was like, I'm not. But what I love about that sketch with Artie Lang, obviously it's offensive, obviously it's horrific and racist and all that. But Norm is this comedic genius. I would say he's like up there with like the great comedy minds of our time. And he finds that funny. Yeah, but I love that.

It's just so absurd. It's so absurd. And it is so offensive. That's why he's laughing. Exactly. Exactly. But you're like, how could you laugh with that? It's like because it's ridiculous.

Yeah. You know, that's why I think people lose. sight of comedy. They're looking for some moral compass. I'm like, well, it's like a fat guy someone on a banana peel. That never happened. Some of the Howard shit that you're like, yeah, this is not aged. Oh, dude. Very well.

Blackface. I mean, you can pull it all up. Yeah, not great. Do you see that video going around now of Uma Thurman looking smoking hot? So hot. So hot in the 90s and still hot, but this is a 90s clip. And he's like... That whole fiction haircut's coming back. I see a lot of rocking that Bob now. Oh, the Bob.

Yeah, all right. Yeah. But so she's on Howard Stern, looking great, and he's like, what were you doing with Ethan Hawk? He's like way shorter than you. And she's like, he's like, he's a little short to me. It's not that big of a deal. And he's like, yeah, but he cheated. She goes, so what?

She was forgiving. Yeah, she's on Mike. Like, she's not going to trash the guy. Yeah, and they share kids probably. I mean, you know, it's like, I think you just got to be diplomatic in that. Mark Nattle, we don't have to watch it. But yeah, look at it. She looks great.

I mean, but yeah, it's like. you know, yeah, five, how many years were they married? Five years to say? Yeah, I was married for five years. Wow. You know, that's kind of divorce goals. Yeah. You want to be on good terms with the person, you know?

Well, wouldn't you say in our culture now, and maybe I'm getting too dramatic, I feel like we have a forgiveness problem. Totally. You know, and so it's kind of cool. I'm not saying you should cheat on your wife or you should or even forgive the guy. And I wouldn't judge her if she was like, yeah, that was fucked up. Exactly. I wouldn't even judge that.

But it is cool that she can, that she's like, oh, I'm not holding on to that. My life has moved on. Yes, so you don't see that now. Now it's like, what can I get out of this? I'm a victim. You know, cancel this guy, go at him, whatever it is. Vice versa, men and women. Yeah, we're ex-husband and Kill Bill shot her in the head, so this is nothing.

Oh, is that right. Right? Carrotine? Yeah, yeah, shod her. I heard a comic talking about, I don't remember what the punchline was, but the setup was amazing, that you should have to re-up every five years in marriage. James Smith. I told you this.

Oh, he told me. Tell me that. He said a wedding should be like a cell phone contract. Every two years you check back in. Like, you're still into Verizon? And you're like, yeah, man, let's do another two years. James Smith has some great shit. Such a great point.

Yeah, great point. And like, you've heard people say it other ways. He found it in a clean way. Yeah, he was always the most succinct punchline. He was smooth. Oprah was like, so, ah, bah, whatever the celebrity. Why would you want to cheat on your wife? Why do men want to cheat on their wife?

It was like this whole episode about why, and he's like, we want to fuck other chicks. That was the whole joke. Or the whole punchline. But he said it like, well, Oprah, I think it's because of it. Yes, yes. He said it like it was like there was going to be this profound answer. And then he just, yeah, I mean, he is always hilarious.

Yeah, yeah. And the Australian accent made it funnier. Yeah. He had that great bit about therapy. He's like, people always want to tell you probably, you know, how you're doing? They go, actually, my back hurts. He's like, I was just being polite, mate. I don't really give a fuck.

He's like, that's why your therapist charge you. at 250. That's how much it costs to hear your shit. Yeah. 250. So you know it's an old bit. That's what a therapist in New York cost back then. Holy shit. Is that low? These days probably. Oh, really? I've been therapy in a while, but I think. In New York, holy shit. Wow. Alan was not charging me that. Yeah. But he was a man of the people. It was. But you know, I fired him because... He didn't fire him. Well, I stopped going.

Mark's like, I'm sorry. This isn't working out. You're out of here. We're letting you go. Yeah. He's like, yeah, don't give a shit. I'm giving you a deal. Because I'm fine letting you go. I'm like, get out of here.

He's like, my office. I'm no longer paying you $40 an hour to listen to my shit. That's exactly right. Meanwhile, Mark, you know he's sliding jokes in there at an insecurity. Mark's like, oh, fuck, I'm boring. I'm right now. Yeah,000 percent. Let me try.

You know me well. Oh, I did it too. I would slip every once in a while. I'd be like, oh, I know there's a comic in here before. Let me try to bring the heat a little bit. Yeah, that was a great bit. I remember that bit. I have to.

Yeah, I was doing abort to port on him. He didn't care for it. But he was always like, you should assert yourself. You should assert yourself. And then one day, up my prices because I had a special come out. And he goes, hey, I saw the special. I said, tonight show. I think you're doing pretty well.

I think it's time to up the prices. And I said, I don't think so, Jack. And he said, well, I think it's only fair to bring it up to here. And I said, I'm asserting. And I never went back. So he fucked himself by teaching me how to assert. Mark is so cheap that he neglects his mental health. I'm charging slightly more, Mark's like, no.

Mark's like, I would rather be fucked up than give you slightly more money. That's a bit. What you don't know is that was a test to see if you graduated out of therapy, and he won. Oh, you graduated. Maybe. Well, I saved the money, so who's the real winner? I don't think it was a test. I think he was like, you're cheap and you're underpaying me because I'm sliding scale.

Well, I never went back. So you come back down. He's a good man, Alan. He's a good guy. Very good man. But here's the question. If I get caught on Epstein's list and my career goes in the shitter and I'm doing the Yahoo Hut and Dicktown PA, is he going to lower the price? If I go up in career, he raises it.

If I go down in career. No, I think he would have. Yeah. Okay. I wonder if there's someone on Epstein's list who's seen the therapist. Like, is Woody Allen? He's in therapy. Is he like, God, I'm very stressed this whole list.

It's making me crazy. I'm so nervous. They mentioned my name. It's horrible. It's a horrible thing to do to someone. Wow. Put the pin in that the first Sam impression of all time.

I've done impressions. Have you? Dangerfield? Oh, geez. You're right. You're right. All right. All right.

Was that good? That was great. Really? That was great. I never tried it. I've watched a lot of Woody. Yeah, same. Oh, Woody with his therapist on Epstein's Island.

That's a sketch. Put that in your pipe and smoking Kyle Gordon. Oh, shit. We got to wrap up. Yeah, where are you headed, Mark? When's this come out? This comes out wet. We should put this out soon, right?

We did some topical shit. Yeah. Do you want to keep pushing Madigan? We have Madigan on the 8th. Oh, sure. I forgot. No guest on the 15th. So we could use a lady.

Yeah, let's do it. Madigan, then this. Okay. So this is the 15th. Okay, I will be. And then I guess last week, right? Okay, great. Whitehall might need earlier.

All right. I'll be in Arizona, Flagstaffeeff and Swaharita at the Desert Diamond Casino, Indianapolis, Helium, running that new set. Buffalo Helium. We're going to add a show there, baby. Beautiful. Portland, Maine, and Providence at the Vets, one of the great theaters.

Lexington, Kentucky, Comedy Off Broadway, Amazing Club, Fort Lauderdale at the Improv, and Raleigh, North Carolina, and what is this? Oh, Comedy Store, L.A., that's already sold out. That's the Netflix Fest. I'll be out there with Sammy the Bull himself. Mulsand. Oh, okay. Mulsin Cana Canadian Center at a casino. I don't know what town that was. Salke's moved it. Spokane, Washington.

Mockton. New B. N. B? Yeah. What's NB.? No. No. That's Canada? Nebraska? Nouveau Brunswick. It's got to be Canada.

It's got to be Canada, but I've never heard of it. It's a New Brunswick and a New Boebronze. No, Nebraska's N. N.E. Right? Yeah, N. Hey, yeah, so all I really have right now is Tampa Theater, February 26th. I think that show might be sold out. Maybe not. And then we have, because the other two are sold out, and then we have Los Angeles.

When is Los Angeles? May 7th, the United Theater with Jordan Jensen, Joe List, and Rachel Feinstein. It's going to be a lot of fun. Rare L.A. appearance for me. It's going to be a great time. Get on that. Lisbon, August 30th. More European dates will be coming.

I'm announcing soon, so we'll see if I'm coming near a place. Is there still time to buy seats to this one show in Tampa? Possibly, possibly. Yeah. And then I got a lot of a lot of stuff I will add. So I've neglected that, but I'll get on it. Get some bodega cat guys, some bodega cat whiskey,

bodega cat whiskey.com and our Instagram Bredicat Whiskey, message it if you want. We're coming to every state, really. Oh, yeah, oh yeah. It's going to be all over before you know it. I mean, we're already in the biggies. And every club we do is going to have it. So come on by.

Stress Factory, it was moving. Like they were selling cases of it Yeah, that's a great sign, dude Hell yeah, all right folks Thanks, we'll see you, hell, get some bodega, Go nuts, comedy Sunday's a day from my neck A bit of peeve-a-reck you know the future's close

I've had a little talking shit about the fucking post And I'm russ I'm out to lunch here in new Woman doesn't look