We Might Be Drunk - Ep 274: Adam Carolla

Episode Date: March 2, 2026

Mark and Sam welcome Adam Carolla and it’s an all-timer. They dive into vintage Porsches, Seinfeld snubs, jerk-off techniques, nanny scandals, and the rich-man-poor-man bit that refuses to die. Plus, boutique hotel bathroom horror stories, public toilet paper rage, and why you should never ask someone to guess how much your sweater costs. Sponsored by: Get 20% off your first order at Lucy https://Lucy.co/DRUNK — promo code DRUNK Try QUO for free + 20% off your first 6 months https://quo.com/WMBD Get 60% off your first box from Tempo https://TempoMeals.com/DRUNK Start selling with Shopify for $1/month https://shopify.com/drunk Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBDMerch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets ⸻ Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #AdamCarolla #Lucy #QUO #TempoMeals #Shopify #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #BodegaCatWhiskey Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, folks, we're here. We might be drunk. We're back. We got Adam Carolla. Yeah, good to be here. Legend of the radio airwaves. We heard that you're a scotch guy. Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah. Are we doing an afternoon scotch? I'll take a taste if you got a product. I mean, we got a ton of shit. Oh, yeah. Well, you guys got a rye, right? You want to drink our stuff? Yes.

All right. Let's do three bodega cats on the rocks. Yeah. All right. Is that, by the way, is that a California split screen saver? Yes, sir. You fucking nerd That's a good movie

Oh yeah Elliot Gould Yeah Leading Jew He was weird on your show Right oh my God That was the craziest interview Ever

And I don't know if it was Some sort of Like art installment He was doing like on stage I don't I interviewed him I mean people can go back And listen to it

Just single word answers combative weird And on stage in front of a live audience. I was at that taping. It was in the audience. You were there? Yeah.

Weird, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a restaurant, right? Yeah, I mean, if you have, look, if you have a low threshold for discomfort, then it was really tough. But if you thought it, if you think weird is kind of cool, that was weird. It was awkward. It was like performance art.

Yeah, it was. Yeah, it was wonderful a lot. He's getting, is, do you think he has all his marbles up there? Oh, yeah. I've heard him on other interviews. He's sharp. He's funny. He's witty.

I think he's got a beef. Was he forced to eat it? Okay, but you guys know this as well as anybody. Some people, if they don't have a magnificent sense of humor, like he's a really good comedic actor, but he probably doesn't have the chops to just be up on stage and a live situation. So what they do is they pick a kind of weird negative things. Like, think about morning DJs who have nothing to say. They're mean. They're mean.

Like, they'll go, oh, did you see that Marty Magnificent movie? Lame. Lame, lame, dude. So lame, so lame, bro. And then they'll find, and they'll go like, hey, Scooter, Scooter liked it. Lame. That guy's lame. Yeah, there's nothing.

When you don't have anything to say, you just say something negative. Yeah. And all of a sudden you have a personality. Right. So you just, you can, you guys have had those guests who go, I'm just going to disagree with everything you say. Al Frank. I, yeah. And David Gross was tough to.

And I'm going to disagree with everything you say. So it seems like I have something to say. But really all I'm doing is shooting down whatever ideas. It's like a girl on a date who's negging you. I was thinking of the exact thing. They're nagging you and you're like, no, I'm like, you're a comedian. I'm also a human being. Right.

I'm always like, nega, please. Stop already, blonde lady Oh, come on What did you guys think I meant? Wow What the hell It's a giant Gee, that's quite a pore there, Peters

My God It's noon, geez, what the hell Fuck? Sure, he's the guy who doesn't drink Mmm That's a spicy rye That's nice. Spicy, yeah

Good Like a spice Yeah I would say the same With Dating apps When I was a single man They'd be like There's a app called Bumble

and they have to initiate. And they were horrible at it. Every opening line was horrific. And I was like, if I open with this, I'd be a virgin. You know, they'd be like, how's your Tuesday? That's what you got? Come on. I got to stop using that as my opener.

Why is your dating app named Bumble? Because that Bumble sort of sounds like, you know, you're trying to do a load of laundry, but you trip over the hamper. Right. It feels like Vodvillian. Sounds like Fumble. Yeah. Like you blow up.

it. Yeah, they'd go bumbling, stumbling, rumbling. Yeah. It also makes you think of like buzz off. Yeah, yeah. It makes you think like leave me alone. Yeah. It's either buzz off or I can't make it down this flight of stairs without sliding on my ass. Either one is bad, right? Yeah. Yeah. No, it's, dating apps are tough, dude. I mean, they're not, because you feel like you have all the options in the world and then you're just like, yeah, I'll figure it out. And then you just end up with nothing. Yes. I would say the internet's the same way. You know, we're like, hey, we've made this thing to connect all the people. and come together and now we all hate each other. Yeah. And you also write people off more quickly. You're like, yeah, it was a weird angle of her face. You're like, those earrings are too big. I can't be with someone with earrings that big. Well, you know, they always say too much choice makes people miserable.

Like, they go, if you are going to buy a TV set and you have four choices, you're happy. But if you have 28 choices, you're miserable because you think you got the wrong one. Yeah. And this endless scrolling of women who are available. maybe that makes you miserable. Like maybe we should just grow up, you know, like a John Cougar song and have the girl Sally next door. Right.

She was my neighbor and she was my high school sweetheart. Now I'm fucking her friend. But just maybe it's all, the problem is the possibilities. There's too many. Like you just back of the day, you just dated whoever lived closest to you. In your orbit. And it was kind of safer probably for you. And your best friend was the guy magically lived across the street too.

How convenient. Also, internet porn. I'm sitting there going, ah, she's not perfect enough, she's not right, da-da, that's not dirty enough, that's not. And now I'm in a rabbit hole and a butt hole for six hours. I never even finished. Yeah, yeah.

But before you find porn under a rock and you were like, hey, it's fat chicks on blacks. I could get by with a raft box, a box that had a raft in it that had a hot chip floating in a bikini across the pool. That was enough. You just said you didn't finish. There's nothing sadder than getting older and jerking off and midway therubianly. Oh, that's the saddest moment ever.

You know, like, I'll just get a sandwich instead. No, yeah, I can't do that. Well, the worst is like you pull a calf muscle and have to limp off the field, you know, like, take yourself out. Go under the tent. He's in the locker room. He may be back. The funny thing is, that's how my wife is with sex with me. She's like, all right, we're good.

We're good? Yeah. You get the Apollo pull-off? I get the double tap like, like McGregor. You get the sandman coming there with a broom. Big cane. Oh, yeah. Big Danny Kane.

Yeah. I don't know. It's even, I think that sad or older part of masturbation rather than, I mean, getting halfway into it and then just kind of packing it up is sad. But thinking about it and never even doing it is even a sadder testimonial. Like I've had a, tonight's tonight. Yeah. And then like some point of fall asleep on TV.

Right. That's a tall order. It's also sad when you're. you're in a hotel on the road and you're just jerking off like an hour 15. That's what I'm saying. And you're just like, I got to finish this. You got to finish what you start. But you're saying, Mark's saying, the too many possibilities means you think you're missing

out on something better. Also, guys, guys beat off like they're going to the electric chair the next morning. You know what I'm going. This was going to be my last dance. You know what I mean? And that's, we do it like that. You know, we do it. I think we beat off like women order.

Like women go out to dinner and she's like, what's in the salad dressing? Oh, okay. So could I get the entree turned into a special and turn into an, and at some point you just go, we'll eat again. Right. We'll eat again. Right. We'll eat tomorrow.

This is not your last meal. Just fucking order something. Yeah. Let's go. Right. But I think guys beat off that way. It's like, this is the last time I ever beat off and I want everything to be perfect. Perfect.

We're like Meg Ryan. I'm going to light a candle. Yeah. Put some ania on. Yes. Got a towel down. No generic lube for this, Andre. I'm going nivia.

Do you guys do lube every time? No. No, dry. I go dry too. Lube is fancy. We're men. It's a fool's error in the lube. Like, I'm going to have a talk with my son, which is don't get married to the lube.

It's going to be a lot. It'll follow you around. I'd rather you get in. Can't you get into fentanyl? I'd rather you get in a fentanyl rather than lube. At least people will see him on the street again. Well, first off, there's the, now you're going camping for three days and there's no loom. And so you got to go with the spit hand.

That's number, that's number one. Or you got to use some weird bark or sap. Number two, it is a, it's a, it's a trail. People, you know, you will at some point, the stepmom is going to go, I just want a jumbo-sized drum of Jurgens. And it's like, I bought it two days ago. It's foreign. It's forensics now. Yeah, we're dusting for lube at this point.

No, it's a tell. Right, they have a tell. And the other thing I would like to teach my son or hopefully he's listening is, let's get the position right. You've got to be able to squeeze one off standing up. Mm-hmm. Because when you can do it standing up with no lube, the world is your oyster. You literally beat off, like, walking down and out. You'll never get shin splints if you work these.

right here. Over the sink. Yes. Stretched out position. By the way, you will get busted. Because you can beat off in the shower. No one ever, no one throws the shower, you know. Shower is tough though, because once you get wet, it's hard to get a grip.

The friction is off. No, no, the shower jack is tough. But what I'm saying is is, I get it. When you lay down on top of that comforter and get the lube out, that's an easy bust. Sure. You're super vulnerable at that point. If you're standing, there's always like, plumberter. plausible deniability.

No, I was taking a piss. Go ahead. Give me a break me the privacy here with a boner. That should be part of that, you know, that U.S. thing where every kid has to do 10 pushups and nine sit-ups. You should be able to jerk off standing. Arnold Schwarzenegger's the ambassador. Like, you've got a fuck a fat nanny.

I know what I love about Schwarzenegger. There's only one, please, there's only one. We got two in. There's only one picture of that. picture of that maid he was banged. Pull it up. There's only one and she's in a pirate outfit. No.

What is she? Somali? Jesus. No way. I swear to God, it's on, it's, it must be taken on Halloween, but you can put her in. It's awesome. Oh, she's quite a ghoul. Find the pirate.

She's the exact opposite of Maria Shriver. Of course. He did it. Of course. And it's a woman in your house. Yeah. She's in the house. You have sprayed every day.

One day you'd need Dr. Pepper. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, women don't get that. There she is. There. Hey, the R. Yeah. We're the worst society in the world

because our society is like, you know, we're pissed at him. Not because he stepped out on his wife, but because she doesn't look good in her pirate out. A vast g-maidie. The fact that he didn't pull out, too, just fucking arrogance. You know what a pirate name is a puss and boots.

He's got a lot of, you know, testosterone. Yeah, yeah. Those veins, you know what I mean? He's just a dude. And by the way, I would... You can't really deny that one. No, I would...

But I would say to Maria Shriver, I would go, look, the whole reason this guy has missed her Olympia seven times and has a crazy action hero career, that's the same guy who fucked the pirate lady in your house. And unclear whether she dressed like a pirate every day or that was just an isolated incident. I don't know. But the whole point is I would go, this is what comes with this part of the pun.

Like if you want to marry this guy, great. He's going to make millions. He's going to be box office star. He's going to have, you know, Mr. Olympia. But he is occasionally going to fuck somebody else who wanders into this house because that's who he is. Mark, you're a nanny now, right? Yes. What's that situation like?

I got a brown lady, no English, and it's perfect. So she can't rat on you. Well, anybody can do this. is universal. But yeah, she's a nice lady. She's unattractive. It's perfect. You know who the...

She's a listener of the pod, by the way. She's a big fan. The ultimate nanny was Tiger Woods Nanny, or the woman who was a nanny, who then became his wife. Oh, Eelon. Yeah. She was a nanny. Swedish, though.

No. Big mistake. And then Tiger married her. But the whole point is, is could you imagine having this piece of ass walking your house? It's like if the movie parasite worked out. Right. Like what would you do, Mark, if, you know, your wife just goes, hey, I got a nanny. She's highly qualified, blah, blah.

And this piece of blonde ass walks through the door. Would you step up and just go, listen, I'm going to just nip this right now. Yeah, she's fired. Like there's no fucking way this is going to, at some point, your wife's going to go out of town or something. Yeah. You got to find yourself sitting there. Standing jerking off and at the sink every time. going at the kitchen.

Be good, Mark. No lube. Yeah. No, but it would totally change the dynamics. Of course. She'd be like, do you want an omelet? You'd go, me, I'll make you an omit. What do you like?

It feels like a trap in a cartoon where there's a ham sandwich under a claw box, you know, that falls down. I'm like, this is obviously an entrapment. She's somebody, she was somebody's nanny. That's crazy. How secure. That's how it started. That's crazy.

How secure was the wife? of the guy who who found this person and said, show me are nanny. So he was married before her and then cheated with her? No, he,

all I'm saying was is her job was nanny when she came here from, not his nanny. Oh, okay. Her job was nanny. Oh, I thought it was his nanny. Sorry, sorry. I wasn't clear

or you guys weren't fucking listening. But either way, she was a, nanny. Yes. And a nanny's so hot that Tiger Woods would pluck you out. He adopted a kid just to be like, can you come over? Come over.

But she feels like if a movie made her the nanny, you'd go, well, this movie's ridiculous. Too much. Too over the top. Yeah, we don't even makein' callie. Yeah, right. I'm not going to buy that shit. You know what you should have said? What are you looking for a nanny?

What are you looking for? Four? Kind of four in there. She's an 11. There's not much you can do as a man because they don't really have male nannies. Manies. It's very rare. They used to have British men in sweaters who had come in a nanny like Mr. Belvedere.

Mrs. Dauphire is the only male. It's the only male nanny. Mr. French from family family. There you go. It's rare, though. They had Butler nanny. Right. Guys, you know.

I remember Arthur? John Gigglund? Yeah, of course. That's what you want. You want a sassy, sarcastic. I'll alert the media. Yeah, that's what you want. Now, so she comes here.

she's a nanny for maybe multiple families, and then Tiger comes and plucks her up. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow, that's crazy. She, I think that's a work. She came to this country looking like that, going, I'll be a nanny.

I'll get in a guy's house, hopefully a celebrity slash athlete, and now I'm good to go. How do they meet? Can we look that out? Yeah, I'll look at up. But I think Schwarzener did the same thing. He came here from another country.

He's gorgeous. He's like, I'm going to marry up. But at least he made movies. he pumped iron, he became a governor. She's just a lady who's hot. Which is the difference between men and women right there. Yeah, that's all you need. Well, Schwarzenegger certainly didn't start a good actor.

No, I didn't end one either. But he's kind of good in a whatever, you know, like he's fun. Yeah, he's camping. You watch those movies like kindergarten cop, it's fucking fun. It's fun. True Lies is fun. Oh, so she worked as a nanny for a professional golfer. Oh.

Jasper, Harvick, or whatever. And they met in a one at a tournament at the British Open. Oh. So she's a golf lady. She's in that world. An au pair. Yeah. That means they live there.

Oh. So this guy. This guy's a degenerative. How secure is this guy's wife or is she just a lesbian? That's one or the other. They're probably lesbian, right? Like, the talk is coming up. Like, you think she's attractive?

And you're like, no. I love any have to pretend. What? Her? If you're into that sort of thing, like big tits and blonde, it's super hot. If you're into Helena Troy type thing, yeah, maybe she's okay. That's traditionally beautiful. Beautiful women.

Wow, he brought her. He should, if he did not try to fuck the nanny, he deserves some sort of plaque. Yeah. Right. Like his name needs to be etched in bronze somewhere, right? Yeah, yeah. Wow, that's a good point. Yeah, forget the, the cup.

Yeah. His wife kind of looked like her. I know. That's a little bit. Like an old version. But that's plausible deniability because you go, honey, I was drunk. I didn't have my glasses. Right.

I thought I was, your pussy smells the same. I didn't know. It's a compliment. I thought she was you. You look the same. Yeah. Swedish fish, yeah. Well, that's a good.

Here's a good question. Here's a good question for you guys. Uh-oh. In terms of look the same and like porn, I got a friend. who's pretty heavily into milf porn. I'm a fan. Okay. And he likes it real milphy, like, you know,

crow's feet and, you know, C-section scar and stuff like that. And he not. I want the son to be there. That's how milfee I want it. But if his wife catches him, he can go, well, you know, this is kind of you. You know what I mean? Yeah. But if you like black and busty.

Right. And that is the opposite of what your woman. is. Good point. And now you now there's an issue, right? Like this. Yeah. Because that's, you're fantasizing about this and married to that. Whereas if you're into milth and there's somewhere in the, the ballpark of your actual woman, then there's, again, it's, you know, it's plausible deniability. You go look, yeah, I think about you when I, right. No, I like that. Because one time I got caught jerking it by my dad, very embarrassing. But I was watching milf porn. And he was like, what the hell?

off to your mom? Well, I was like, hey, you get it. You're married to a lady. A mom. I had the same thing. My dad found a DVD I had called Older Rod Riders, and he goes, what the fuck is this? And he was just, he was furious. Why? I don't know. I was I was a kid. You had DVDs back then. It was that, and I had a fat porn DVD. We just, we, it was curiosity. I was like, fucking 13. Yeah. So we'd, we'd hand around the school. We had everything. Yeah. Yeah. You took what you got. We traded them like cards. I had, my dad found a gay magazine in my room. And so here's what it was.

There was a little magazine. It was like a maggot or something. It's like a half a little thing. Easy. I'm going to say something else. Please. No, it's like one of those things where you go to a high-end car auction, they'll give you this thing and they go, oh, lot 26B, Mercedes-B.

Mercedes-B. It's like you get a little thing. You can circle. So this thing was called Colt Roundup. Wow. Which was funny to me. And it was all dudes. They weren't doing anything.

They were just kind of hanging around with their dicks out, right? But there were a couple of them that just had headshots. There's a guy named Clay who had booger shells. And it was like, I remember being 16 going, you think you're so hot, Clay? I don't get to see your dick. Is that what's going on here? That's the gayest part. It's just the headshot.

I didn't throw it away because I took an oath to not. throw away porn. You know what I mean? And this technically was porn. Right. It wasn't for me. So I just, like, it was a goop. You were a collector.

Yeah, I just kept it as a goof. Like, people will collect weird old, um, World War II paraphernalia. Sure. You were Nazis? Like, no, no, I collect this weird stuff. It's historic. There's a weird.

We're not comparing gay as to Nazis, by the way. No, no. But I do think it's hilarious. It's not. No, but there's something hilarious. It has to be said. It is. It is so much gayer to jerk off to a man's smile than just a new man.

I agree. I agree. That's what I'm saying. He's wearing like a Hawaiian shirt. His name is Clay. Oh, that's super gay. Right, but I took an oath not to throw away porn. So I kept it.

And at some point, my dad found it. And he never said anything, but I know he had to be thinking, okay, my son is like struggling. Right. Do you think your dad would have been cool with it or no? My family's one of the rare families who wishes their son was gay. I can see that. My mom was like early woke. Right.

They loved saying, like, my grandmother had gay friends. This is where AI is going to get you. Oh, you got it. I don't like that marks the top there. I don't like that. Hold on. Let me stand up. You guys.

All right. You guys all go get me a coffee, please, all of you? We've got a couple of maggots here. My mom and my grandmother, but they were like early woke. money and so they love the idea of their friend and he's gay. Right. Because it made them super progressive and tolerant and non-judgmental. And they would have loved it if I was gay.

They really would have. Well, it's like you got yelled at for looking at porn, but you can't really yell at your kid for looking at gay porn because then you seem homophobic. Yeah. So you have to kind of do like a, hey, you shouldn't be looking at that, but, you know, hey, live your life, whatever. So you got to kind of... If you're trying to be a good parent, you're like, do you want to talk?

to talk to me about something? Sure. Yeah. My parents didn't talk. No. I don't, I kind of did the Don't Ask, Don't Tell. I was like the U.S. military in the 80s with my kids. I was like, whatever it is, you're doing. Sure. I just, I don't want to know. My mom talked too much. She was like, oh, that's uncomfortable. That's worse. My mom's overprotective Jewish mother. I remember I kissed a boy when I was in second grade and I was like, mom, I think I'm gay. And she's like, you're not gay. Oh, Rich. She just knew. She's like, you're not. I just know you're not. I'm mom. She's like, I can tell. And I was like, oh, okay. Damn, Gator, strong. Yeah.

It's hard with kids. I was in all-boy school. It was prison gay, basically. Oh, yeah. No options. He was the girliest of the bunch I chose. There you go. We're all hairless back then. In my experience, I can't speak for all of them. There may be a couple of Armenian kids, but I haven't felt any up.

I told my kids, look, I got boy girl twins. and like I'm in LA so there's like a lot of transitioning going on around and I was like trying to think about it like what what would I do if somebody you know my daughter said I want to be the son and my son you know they transition and I came up with like a sensible policy I think I think I would say like my daughter said I want to be a boy I'd go okay but I have boy girl twins right that's the way I'm going to keep it, so I'd have to go to my son and go, hey, listen. You're getting traded. I'm not buying any new clothes, but you guys are switching room for sure.

Sorry, boy. I know you have no interest in this and you're kind of collateral damage, but put the fucking dress on. Do it for the family. Just tuck your junk. Would you please? I brought some tape. Let's try this. That's good.

You know, if she switches, you got to switch. You got a switch, and then I still have boy girl twins. And then if people ask, I go, yeah, yeah, I got the boy and the girl. Then you have to teach your new son how to jerk off in the shower. Yeah. Oh. Let's go ahead and pull that tape off. Let's get to business.

You seem like you're pretty tight with your kids. Yeah, I have fun with my kids. They're 19. Wow. Is that right? I know. It's crazy. And they're good.

Like, they're smart. They're kind of fun. And, you know, you'll see when kids get a little. And like at some point, they turn into people and not kids, you know, and you can tell. stories and have a laugh and all that, all that stuff. Yeah, they're like, they're nice. They're fun. They're cool, cool kids. My son's, you know, funny. They're both like pretty smart. You can bounce jokes off them and like that. It's kind of fun when your kids get to that point where you can

actually, like when they're little and you go, well, they want to go out to dinner. You're like, oh, chicken fingers and talk about Pokemon and it's going to suck. You know, I'm just going to at my phone the whole time. Because really, what are we talking about here? That's going to be the hardest part about being a pedophile. Right. Oh, it's brutal. All the Pokemon talk and the chicken tenders.

You're just like, just get out of here. I'm not watching Peppa Pig. Yes, demon hunters. Who cares? All right, let's go. Can we watch Deer Hunter? That's right. For Christ's sake.

So, but at a certain point, they turn into like adults, like contemporaries, you know? And you can go and you can talk and you can have like a laugh. And if they're small. art and sort of interesting, they'll be interested in, like, stories and ideas and, you know, all, it's like going out with one of your friends versus the, like, all right, here we go. Yeah. It's kind of patient. Well, we had Seinfeld.

Like a pedophile. You got to be patient. Yeah, that's true. Pedophile, you got a strike early. It's like an avocado. Oh, wait. The opposite. It's like a banana.

All right. So, uh, we had Seinfeld on, you know, he's a big car nut, as you are. Yeah. And he was saying he wished his son was a car guy. Oh. And you probably, did your son give a shit about the vehicular? There is such a, so there's such a weird thing, which is like I grew up and, you know, kind of poor and latch key and just sort of running around like a wild man. But, you know, I always said that football saved my life.

Like playing, I started playing Pop Warner football when I was seven. I played contact football like pads. And I played all the way through high school and like a year of college. I didn't go to college, but junior. college, whatever. But I was like every lesson I ever learned in life was out on that football field. Like every, I was, you know, statistically, statistically I was supposed to become a statistic, basically. I was heading down a bad, and then I got football. And it was all mentorship and hard work and perseverance and stuff. And I was like, that's all I want my son to learn. He can learn. I don't

care what he does in school. I don't care what his grades are, but I want him to learn those lessons out on that football field, that pussy never played a fucking down. So that's number one. Number one, it was like no football. Zero football. Yeah, he played flag football, which is like, by the way,

if you want to pronounce it correctly, hold your tongue and say flag football. That's how to pronounce flag football. Megan. So he played, please. He played flag football and then just sort of played basketball. He didn't, he never. And then the car, like, he didn't follow in my footsteps at all

with anything. Yeah. But that's fine. Like, it becomes a weird, narcissistic endeavor. Like, your kids got to do what you,

you did. I, and on the car department, I take him to Laguna sake every year for the Rolex historic race. Oh, cool. I race every year there, and he comes every year

and has been for a decade and hangs out at the track and sees how the car is getting worked on and sees me race and all that kind of stuff. So he's, he's, That's a cool experience and he's he's down with it. Seinfeld, there's a funny, you can find this clip of him with Spike Ferrister talking about me,

but you guys tell me how this works. Spike wrote the soup Nazi episode. Yeah, no, I know he is. Do I mean watching Seinfeld episodes just like on the road? It's fucking, it's the best. It's the best show ever. All right, so you guys tell me what you think. So Seinfeld and me are at the Rens Spanfield.

reunion like a year ago, year and a half ago at Laguna Seca. Wren Sports like the biggest... The Porsche? Porsche gathering ever. And they do a race, but they also display all the prominent Porsches. And I actually won the Wysak trophy there in like 19... I think it was... I think it was 2018 or something. Driving Paul Newman's 935 Porsche.

That is fucking cool. It is pretty cool. It is, and you can find maybe a picture of that 935 Porsche or me, whatever. But the whole point is, is it's one of the rarest Porsches in the world. Can we see a picture of it? And so Rensport said, can you bring your 935 Porsche to Rensport? God, damn. And display it.

This is in your garage. I've seen this. Yes, this is in my garage. So they built a whole display. for this 935 Porsche at Rendsport. Hawaiian Tropic, right up to up. Yep. And they and Newman drove it at LaMont.

Wow. So it's got a ton of history. It won Daytona outright. It won. It's kind of interesting because that Brad Pitt F1 movie starts with him in a Porsche winning Daytona. That movie was like 40 minutes shorter would have been amazing. That thing wins.

That thing wins outright. But so I'm there. and Seinfeld's there. And Seinfeld has like three of his Porsches there. And we're looking at his Porsches. And we're talking about it. There's like, you know, crowd around and stuff like that. And so I say to him, you know, Jerry, my Porsche is about 25 yards from where we're

standing. It's Newman's 935 that won La Ma. And he goes, oh, okay. And I go, you want to check it out? And he goes, I'm good. And I go, you don't want to. to walk over there and just look at the 935? And he goes, no. I go, when we're at Rensport, it's all Porsches. And we're only here to look at Porsches. Yeah. I'm looking at your Porsches.

You don't want to come and look at the one that won Sebring, at one Daytona, it won LaMont. Paul Newman drove it. I won the Weissac Cup here in it in 2018. He's like, no, I'm good. What is that? I don't know what, I don't know what that is. This is Elliot Gould all over again. And then he goes on Spikes podcast and he talks about it like I'm the crazy one. What do you say? Pull it up. You'll find him. We got to get a.

Let me call him. You'll find him going like, yeah, what's Corolla doing? But he does that Bill Burr thing. Like, what? It's a car. So what? What's that? Who cares?

Man on the moon. All right. Big whoop. You know what I mean? Like you can minimal minimize anything. Yeah, of course. Do the right inflection. That's true.

That's true. And they always do this thing too, and they go, and then you go to the moon, and then what? Nothing. Okay. It's like, okay. Right, right. All right, this is, this, we'll find him. He'll, all right.

I'm shocked. I thought he'd be all over that car. I don't know. And listen, I don't, you know, we're not best friends, but we're Porsche guys. And you've hung out before. Yeah, I mean, I, I, I know him a little bit. It's Jerry's collection, by the way. Oh, my Lord.

Look at a jag. He's a crazy Porsche guy, and I have one of the most significant Porsches on the planet. And it was 100 feet from where we were standing in its own gazebo. Yeah. We're like, now, I think, you know, when he walks around, he gathers, a crowd gathers. He's already at Rensport. What I'm saying is, is I didn't call him and go, Jerry. How about you come out to Rendsport?

And he goes, no, no, it's too big a crowd. He's standing in Rensport. We just have to walk. Yeah. Now, I bought an O2, and the day I post about it, he texts me. And he goes, that's a badass car. Great car. I love that car.

So I can't believe he didn't want to see the Porsche. I tried to get Jerry to come over and look at some gay porn mags at the one time, but he wouldn't do it. He's like, I'm good. I'm already done. I've seen it. I've seen two men fucking. We've got a man on the moon. I don't need to see Uranus.

I hope, I mean, I kind of like to think he was screwing around. Probably. But in a weird Seinfeld, kind of Larry David kind of way where that's kind of who you are. Yeah. I mean, like, you're that guy who won't do that. He's very blunt. It's like, if you stick your hand out, he's like, we're good. I already shook it.

I don't have to shake it again. Like, that's kind of his thing. I think that's kind of the schick. But didn't you famously not want to stand with the hockey trophy once? Because you said, why would I take a picture with a trophy someone? else won. Stanley Cup? Yeah.

Well, you're really into hockey, aren't you? No, I'm into you. He's into rivalry. Yeah. Yeah, it's out there. It's out there somewhere, him saying, I don't want to go. I'm not going to go. He's with Spike.

He's doing their podcast. He's doing Spike's podcast. And he's basically explaining that I'm way out of line because I kept going to, like, I thought he was kidding. Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. And then 20 minutes would go by and we're staying around. look at his car.

I go, all right, but let's go look at the car now, right? No, I'm good. And I'm like, all right, this is just kind of a goof. Like, we're going to put it long, but we're going to walk over and look at the car, right? Now, Lucy, all right, folks, let's talk Lucy. Lucy breakers are nicotine pouches with a little surprise. You pop the pouch in, then there's a capsule inside. You can break open for extra flavor and hydration.

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com slash drunk. That reminds me of my peeve. My peeve is the guy who wants a reaction from you so he keeps, this happened to me last night. I'm at dinner and a guy goes, get the chicken Marsala. And I'm like, I'm good, I'm good. And he's

He's like, get the Marsala. And I'm like, all right, I'll get the Marsala. And then he's staring at me while I take my first bite because he wants to, wants me to go like, oh, my God. And I'm like, you're ruining this meal for me because now I have to be on. You caved. Right. I totally caved. You shouldn't have gotten the marsala.

I know. And then he stared at me. And then after 80's like, right, right? And I'm like, it's fine. But now I feel like I'm letting you down and you're ruining my whole meal. And the chef was like, do you want to come back and watch me cook the marsala? Yeah, exactly. I should have said I'm good.

I don't like when people put the onus. pressure on you. Like, I don't like when people go, guess how much I paid for this sweater. I'm never guessing. I'm always going, what answer does this fucker right here? Like, I'm going to go low.

No, I'll go high. I'll go high. I'll go like $2,600. I guess $40. And he feels good about himself, but I'm not thinking it costs that. Are you talking to Todd Barry in the story? That's going to make you feel good about you.

Right, right. Exactly. And if I had any balls at all, it'd go $4. And he'd go, no, it was 81, but yeah. Yeah, like you wanted to show him the car because the cool car. But this guy wanted me to react to a chicken Marsala. Right.

Like it was a pussy. Yeah, I don't like that guy. I don't like guess how much I paid for the sweater. And I don't like the, you don't remember me, do. Oh. I hate that. I mean, I meet a lot of people. Yeah.

But do you remember? Yeah. You don't, do you? I, you know, I'm feel, I meet a lot of people. And now you're on your heels. familiar. Yeah, now you're back paddling, you know. Yeah.

The plan is to make you feel bad. Yeah. Yes. Because you're forgettable. It's not, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's also have dominion over you. Yes, yes. You work at a Walmart and you make $14 an hour, and I'm an A-list celebrity who hangs out with the likes of

Jerry Seinfeld in my 935 portion and all of a sudden I'm the one who feels like the goober in this conversation because you got me on my heels. Yeah, exactly. It's also like I didn't cheat on you in a relationship. We met once 10 years ago. Yes. Yeah, like, who you? Maria Shriver?

You don't remember me? I'm the pirate. I got a peave. The friend that asked to tag along with you. Oh. And then is a insanely slow walker. Whoa. That kills me.

That's a double whammy. I'm a quick walker. I like to get places. I'm the same way. Yeah. Good call. That's a peave tag along. Yeah.

The tag along's fine, but then you just got to keep up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had this the other night because I like to do a a couple sets a night and I run around and one guy goes, I want to tag along with you and follow you. And I go, you're going to slow me down. And I left. Yes, Alicuse.

But I think the sign of a good relationship is when you can walk at your pace and your lady can walk at her pace and it doesn't mean anything. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you're secure enough to go, here's my pace. That's your pace. I'm sorry you were attacked and gang raped because you're so far behind me. But I'm walking at my pace.

Again, thanks, Salacuse. Jesus. Yeah, yeah, that's a good one, because they will slow your ass down. I got another peave, and there's a weird one, the too big toilet paper roll. Yeah. It's a noise. In theory, it's good. I love it.

But then it doesn't fit in the fucking thing in the wall. So now, it's like having too big a cock. It's great in theory, but if it doesn't fit, it kind of defeats the purpose. Good point. Completely. I completely sympathize with the big cock thing. 100% big cock. I said Big Cock, yeah.

Say no more about the Big Cock. Adam's actually our new Big Cock correspondent. I don't, I don't, what my pet peeve is the fucking toilet paper holder like, you know, when it's at the airport. Oh, yeah. Or at this, wherever commercial one. It never works. It's a bad one. There's no silent way to get that paper out.

Like everybody in that airport terminal knows you're taking a dump because you get your hand out. it starts to make it. It sounds like you're banging on a trash can lid. Yes. Wooden spoon like what we did for the nurses during COVID. Like, all right. Corolla's taking a shit because I hear him struggling with that dispenser. Like they need a silent dispenser.

And every bathroom in every hotel for sure needs a serious fart fan. Do you guys experience this? Like you stayed at the boutique. Yeah. Boutique hotel. You know, the exhaust thing that comes on. Yeah. It sucks up.

I don't need the fan. I need the decibels. Right. Oh, the sound. Got into that thing where you're in one of these boutique hotels in Manhattan, which is like nine square feet. It's just a bed. And like right next to it is the bathroom and it's got that weird sliding barn door. And there's three inches of daylight under it.

Right. Your new lady friend is just lying on top of the bed in her refractory period. And you've got to go in and do your fucking business. But it's all tile. Yeah. It's all marval. And it's just like this. sound literally just banks off of everything that you need that fart like I want to hear some fart

fan to drown it out right how about sound cancelling fart machine like it plays I just give her noise canceling headphones and say I'm gonna go take a shit that's what I know well I mean but but now you're definitely going to take in a dump whereas the fart fan you have plausible deniability because you just hit the bathroom light button in the fart fan you could be brushing your teeth Sure. I know she knows. She knows, but does she need, like, audible evidence of what you're doing in there? No, it's a classier way to do it.

I think you're right. I think this is a nice thing to have. Yeah, so that's the big role you're talking. Yeah, the giant... Wow, that is a huge role. Right. My God, yeah. I also hate the super thin ones because it defeats the purpose too because now you're just stacking it.

Yeah. Good point. Good point. You're making it a two-ply. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm with you on the public restroom, that thing, because you're... It is so loud, and you can never get a...

it out. Yeah, you're up there. There's no labia. It's like you're in junior high and you're trying to finger their first prom day, you know, and it's like you're reaching. Either way, it's not coming. Yeah, it's not happening. Like you're trying to grab a tab

or something. That thing's way louder than she was. Yeah. And it is so, you feel like Andy Dufrain. You're trying to do a prison break, but it's making too much noise. I know, and then you try to like kick started a little. Yes. You try to do a roll with it. And also, it's unclear what, are we going

clockwise? We're going clockwise. Right. Likewise, I got to get started here. It depends on the country. You know who the ultimate, you know, like in terms of pariahs in society, like the worst people in society. Because like, like you have to really, you have to really separate things. Like the guys who embezzle from their work, you know, you go, all right, you know, not a great

guy, but that's his work. And it's between him and them and whatever, get the money back. But it's not going to affect me, right? Yeah. And then there are guys who just randomly punch people in the subway. go, okay, that guy's a problem because he's randomly walking around punching anybody. That could be me or my kids or whatever. But the worst of the worst are the guys who piss on the toilet paper roll.

Have you ever seen that? Like in a subway or in a public bathroom, I have seen dudes who soak the roll with urine. That is like when I'm in charge, those people are going to be put down. We need Singapore rules with those people. Poor rules. By the way, day off, come to the center of the town, execution. And I'm just going to go, any questions? Because we don't fucking tolerate this.

And by the way, I'm not killing him because he pissed on a dollar's worth of toilet paper. I'm killing him because who knows what this guy's capable. Right. Once you piss on a toilet paper roll in a public bathroom, you're now capable of anything. Yes. school shootings, flying planes into buildings. You can do anything if you can do this. This guy can't fly a plane.

Dude, I was using hyperbole. I was in the Penn Station bathroom, the new one on 8th Avenue. Yeah, the nice one. Yeah, supposedly, a puddle of piss is coming out. And there's a line and I'm just like, it's one of the things we're like, do I have to step in piss to go. You have to. And I was like, I'm holding it.

What are you doing? It's that fucking bad. What were you doing there? Pee. No, you were taking a bus? What do you think I was doing? I was taking a train to a DC. Oh, it's the train station.

But what do you think what was I doing in a bathroom? No, that's not. He wasn't asking what you're doing in a bathroom with your dick out. He was asking what you're doing. Portisarty. The old rod rider here. Adam, I found that clip. It's audio only.

Okay, that's right. I got to share it. I don't want to start a comedy beef here, but. No, I'm just, you're a good friend of mine. Comedians, we have to tear each other apart. I don't know why. Okay. You did about Adam Carolla.

Oh! No, he just wanted me to look at it. Adam Carolla said, you've got to see my 935. And this was at the rent sport last year. Yeah. And I said, oh, okay. Meantime, you know how these things are. It's hard to move, physically move anywhere.

Uh-huh. There was a guy in front of the hotel this morning. He says, would you walk by my car? So to get rid of him, I said, sure. You know, I think how'd I was going to die? And I just walk out of here, you know. What? Just stroll by it?

He said it would make his day if I'd walk by it. We were in the car, in the Mercedes this morning. Franks, Von Walliser was there. That was that guy. He was standing in front of him. He concocted this 993 speechster thing. It looked kind of cool, actually. Oh, I said, and so he yells at me.

I'm in his car. We're headed here. He yells at me. You didn't walk by it. this is different than his original this is a recap of of the spike pot doesn't sound that bad no I think that relieves you

because he's just like I'm done walking around I'm done looking at shit now if there's still a version of this that you will find okay we're digging we're digging basically telling me to F myself in my 935 I think he was just done for the day he's seen a bunch people ask him to walk around

I don't know I'm trying to defend He's a cool. All right. No. No, I like, listen, first things first. I don't know where you guys come down on this, but like I like Seinfeld. But I also think you're allowed to report what happened accurately. Sure.

Like people go, hey, why are you talking shit? It's like, is it talking shit if you're saying what happened? Right, right. You know what I mean? And then if it is, then that's kind of on there. This is the problem with two comedians getting into a scuffle, though. Both are the hero in their stories. No, I don't care.

I like Jerry. I love cars, other Porsches, and all that. And I think he likes me. And I think he does things. Is it like a little bit of a provocateur? Like, it's kind of fun. You rewatch Seinfeld and there's bite on it where you're like, oh, yeah. I forgot that this was edgy because everyone talks about Jerry is a clean comic where you're like NBC back in the day.

Oh, yeah. I mean, the fucking masturbation episode. Oh, yeah. He's got some venom. He can snip. I just rewatch the one where he's. He's trying to hook up with a woman whose husband's in a coma. Oh, right.

I'm a man who respects a get coma. That's a great line. That's why he is who he is because that's who he is. I mean, I think probably artists throughout history were that painters and sculptors and stuff, you know, probably people were like back in the day, they were like, oh, Van Gogh, you know, like that guy's a weirdo, you know what a zero. You don't look at my painting. They're artists. They're artists, you know what I mean? Yeah, but like that's why, because that show is so mean, they're so selfish, that's what's funny about it.

I saw a clip of Louis C.K. And he was like, all these comics are like, hey, you shouldn't punch down. He's like, punching down, it's hilarious. And I completely agree. It's fucking hilarious. So stop telling me that it's not funny. People making rules who don't do this. I know.

It's always hall monitors who have never dabbled at all. And they're like, these are the rules of comedy. I'm like, who are you not a comedian? Yes. Or even comedians doing it. I'm like, what are you talking about it? Why are you making rules? Louis always stayed very open.

minded with what could be comedy. And that's what I loved about it, you know? Yeah. Like Louis, that show could be anything. Exactly. He wouldn't look at one of my cars either. Everyone on this wall behind me wouldn't look at one of my cars. But he can jerk off standing.

Cut that, cut that. He's a potter plant guy. He does not lead Louvre, that guy. It's always weird when you hear, like, it's so weird as a dude. when you hear, like if you talk to a woman and she'll go, I was at a red light the other day. And I looked over and there was a guy in his car and it was masturbating. And you go, maybe it was a long commute.

Like you're supposed to be outraged. I promise I'm never outraged. I'm like, yeah. Problem is you're from California. Yeah, it's been done. In New York it doesn't take that long to get anywhere. You get a jerk off at home. A lot of traffic.

You're in there for an hour. Yeah. One time, this is something women will never understand. I was on a road trip, but it was like a seven-hour drive, and I was so horned up. I was probably like 17, and I was jerking it in the car. I was alone on the highway, just miles and miles. This is pre-cell phone, pre-podcast, whatever. Pre-com.

And I rubbed one out, and I didn't ever do one to shoot it because it was my mom's car. I had to shoot it in the sleeve of my own jacket. Hold on. You didn't have to do it. I can't do it with a couple. There was no code violator. What am I going to shoot in the tape? If you didn't shoot it in the sleeve of your own jacket

There's nowhere else to go You ruined a jacket I ruined a jacket because it was in the moment I was scared That was a pretty nice zip up Damn I mean it had the word jacket Right on it so

I mean it's kind of asking for it Hold on a second Let's give it up Quite good There you go I think Seinfeld could come up The jacket joke I don't think so

We put a man on the moon You're jerking off of the jacket Yeah, well, you know, I had my cult roundup. I'm going to record this and try to show it to Seinfeld. Look at this Adam Cirolo clip. He's like, I don't want to look at it. Right, right. I'm obsessed with that clip.

It's got to be somewhere. We're looking to the transcript. We're going to find it. God damn it's him and Spike. It probably would have been, okay, if you found out, this is like a Seinfeld right now. I found out when the Rensport reunion was last. This podcast would have been like a week after that or something.

That would be the timestamp. 2025, yes? Yeah, I think, I think it could have been 2024, but yeah, I think it was 2025. Was he wearing that out? Do you remember the outfits at all? He was wearing a black shirt in the last one. Is that the one that it is, you think? The one we heard was another one.

Okay, okay. This is like probably three, four days after the last Rensport at Laguna. Saka, which is, you know, it's like kind of my home track that's up north. It's in, you know, it's in Pebble Beach. But that's where the race is every year, like the... Next time I see you, he's going to stare at this car for a really long time. Yeah. Now, part of his argument was that he had a 935.

He had like a super significant 935. There's only X amount of them on the planet, like well under 50 on the planet. And my car probably has the most race miles on it of a 935. But he had just sold his, which is his excuse for not looking at mine. But this is punching up, right? We're talking about Seinfeld. You have a punching down is funnier. Yes.

I like punching downs. Oh, boy. They can take it. Very strong people. But, yeah, that's so cool that your son, my dad was a suit guy, briefcase, military, kind of stern. Yeah, you seem like a fun day. Yeah, that's insane if you guys a race car driver. I, yes, every single year, at least for the last 11 or 12 years, like since he was like eight, he comes with me to Laguna Seca.

Laguna Seca does the Rolex historic. It's a huge historic race, like 500 cars, old cars. I drive Newman, Paul Newman race cars in it. And everyone trailers their stuff out. Everyone fans out in the infield. and you stay there for like four or five days. You go to the high-end auctions. Oh, we went on Rick Caruso's yacht this year.

Like, Coruso sails his yacht from L.A. up the bay. Wow. And then you take a boat to his yacht. You take a smaller yacht to the bigger yacht. Oh, my God. And he was hanging with me like the whole time. And then you go to the track and you stay at the Airbnb and I do the racing. and, you know, he hangs out, and then that night you go to the auction.

And, you know, it's, it's all good. And they have like, oh, it's the Accura party and Jules going to play there. And all in sushi. And it's like, it's awesome. I think he probably is into it, I will say. Yeah. And unlike the relationship I had with my dad, which is he's going to sit on a sofa and I can watch him try to play the trumpet was basically the highlight of our relationship.

Wow. Wow, crazy. Is your dad passed away? Yes, yes. Well, it's good you went the other way. You saw how boring your dad was and you flipped it. You know, it's like those guys who beat their kid, and then their kid beats their kid. And you're like, well, should you have flipped it?

Yeah, no, I beat my son. Don't get it confused. Yeah. But we're at the track when I beat him. We're eating sushi while I'm beating him. I beat it on the road once, too. Yeah, yeah, you got the old jacket. Yeah.

Yeah. It's this jacket, by the way. I smell it. No, you're right in that people go, well, you know, his dad was this or his dad didn't. So, of course, it's like, no, he should know firsthand how bad this is and do the opposite. I just basically do the opposite of what my parents would do, and it's awesome. Like my kids benefit. I just go, what would Jim and Chris Carolla do?

And then I go, all right, I'll do the opposite of that. Yes. And then you'll have a great childhood. It's a great Seinfeld episode. That's right. The opposite is the hot lady, gets a new job. Oh, it's a great one. Great up. Yeah.

Man, lucky, lucky kids. That's what you get it? No, I'm still looking. Oh, I'm worried you fabricated this. Well, I can't. The smoking tire. Does that sound familiar? That's the podcast.

That could be it. That could be it. It can't be whole cloth because he brought it up in this other one. Good point. Good point. Yes. Mm-hmm. Okay.

I'm picturing Gary listening to this and rolling his eyes. This fucking guy, let it go, you was. It is verbatim, him going, I'm not going to do it, and then him going, I'm the bad guy for asking. That's the part that's insane to me. You asked for consent. Yes, I did. That's right. So does Louis.

He was wearing a very short skirt. He shouldn't have been jogging at night. Well, let me ask you, though. Even if he goes, I'm good on the car, can't you strike up a different conversation? How you been? What's shaken? How's comedy? We only can talk about vintage German cars.

Okay. No, I was looking at his car. So his cars get done at a shop in Van Ice, California. Like he has the Steve McQueen 917 Porsche from the movie Lamont. Oh, my Lord. That's his car, right? Wow. And so you have to picture him buying that car when it was kind of broken down like 25 years ago.

That car? Yes. And then what do you do? Do you soup it up a little bit? What do you do to store it? There's no souping up of anything. That was the wrong lingo. I don't know cars at all out.

You put it, no shit. You put it back exactly as it was. That's the thing. That is gorgeous that car. Holy shit. Crazy. That's, I think, a 69, 917. LaMaw,

Porsche, that didn't win at LaMaw, but it was in the film. It was the hero car of the film, LaMaw was Steve McQueen. I have a 935 that Paul Newman drove at Lamont and won its class at LaMaw. So Seinfeld should really, we're in some sort of club that has like three people on the planet in it. And you don't do comedy.

I mean, there's so many, similarities. So many. So many. Crazy. Yeah. Turned down $25 million offer for this car. That was the worst one yet. That was like a weasel fart. The fuck was that. A lot of looney Tunes. That really squeaked out. Yeah. I tried to fart on Jerry, but I didn't have anything. I wish I had a fart chambered when he was turning me down. I wish I had something. So, I mean, yeah, this is, he turned down 25 million and then they went and made a backroom deal. So I don't. I don't know. Oh, he did sell it, though. Yes, he sold it at auction a few months back. I don't know if it was a meet-up. Maybe this will lead to you and him having a rekindled thing here.

Who knows? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we should find some common ground. You know what he loves is the rich man poor man bit. He likes that bit. That's one is big bits. It was a weird thing. They're like, here's what a horrible comedian I am. Seinfeld in a parking lot, like CBS. Like, I don't know. I was doing a. TV pilot or something there. It was like 15 years ago or something. And he just walked up to me and he goes, that rich man, poor man bit, that's your bit. That's your signature bit. I was like, thanks, Jerry Seinfeld. And I never did it again. And also Jay Leno came up to me and he goes, that rich man poor man bit. That's your bit. And I was like, okay, thanks, Jay. And never did it.

It's a great bit. What are you crazy? You should be doing that. That's your hot pockets. That's your how to be a redneck or whatever. I get her done. Get her done. I know. I know. I know. I know. I don't know if it's a weird Touretti thing where I'm like, okay, if these guys like it, I'm not doing it. What? Or I just forget to do it. Or maybe it's like they compliment it and you feel like a hack breaking it back out because now it's like a greatest hits thing for you. It feels like it feels a little like get or done or here's how you know you're running. No, but those are catchphrases.

This is a big idea with a premise and punchlines. I know. I don't know what it is. and I started doing it recently because once Leno said you should do it, I was like, okay, I should listen to these two titans of comedy. By the way, Leno would have looked at the 935,

just as a side. Not bitter, not bitter about it. That's how he fell down the hill. That's right. Giving a look. You know what I said to Leno, which didn't make him laugh at all? Because he set himself on fire.

Like two weeks later, he rolled down the hill. And I said, I said, Jay's funny because Jay said, earnest guy. Like he's really, he's a comedian, but he's sort of a, he's sort of a soft, simple, sort of earnest guy like in real life. And I go, Jay, you know, a lot of people are thinking you're responsible for starting that palisades fire. And he goes, really? Really? I go, well, I mean,

there's a lot of people are saying you set yourself on fire and then roll down the hill. And he's like, what? I'm like, I'm like, Jay, I'm making a fucking jump. That's adorable. He should be in jackass with these fucking injuries he's getting. He literally, he clothes lined, lined himself on a three-wheeler. He's driving around a motorcycle with a side hack, and he catches somebody putting in a. Sorry, sorry. Side-hack jacket guy over here.

He's got a sidehack. This is a Mike Kaplan episode. This is a lot of wordplay. A lot of puns. had a cable going across a parking lot at like four feet, you know, like don't pull into this parking line. He's riding around on his motorcycle with the side hack and he doesn't see the cable. And he clotheslines himself and gets ripped off the motorcycle. He's fucked up his nails.

So he had the fire. He said himself, I've been to Leno's shop when he's trying to fire up one of his steam-powered cars and seen a flame. Oh, shit. I thought it was free basin. Oh, yeah. Richard Pryor. He's like, yeah. Look at this guy.

Oh, yeah. He rolled the hemie under glass, which is the name of this car. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. Wow. And what is he, 78 or something?

No, I don't think he's that old, but he's old enough not to roll a car. Both of these guys look up there. Yeah, I know. The guy who drove the hemie under glass, which is the name of that wheeling car. I know because it was parked next to my 935, and I said, Seinfeld, you want to check out? You go look at Hemmy under glass? And he said, gladly.

I got to tell you, I think I know what's going on here. 15 years ago, he went up to you and said, hey, that's a great bid. You should be doing that bit. And you said, yeah, whatever, and stop doing the bit. And then 15 years goes by and you go, you want to see my 935? And he goes, I'm good. Yeah, you're right. He just got you back.

I shunned him. You shunned him? He shunned you. Now you're even. If people, if your audience wants to know what rich man, poor man is, just because we've been talking about it. I think we should bring it home a little. But I will say it is stuff rich people and poor people have in common and not the middle class. So that was sort of the bit was I was working at Kimmel in the writer's room.

And I thought about an outdoor shower. And I thought if you're taking an outdoor shower, they're super rich, you just had your tennis lesson. You're by the cabana in the outdoor kitchen. or your dirt lawn, busted hose, tub, you know what I mean? Poor, right? So it was like rich man, poor man. So I'll give you guys a couple just so you know. All right. All right.

This is your get or done. Here we go. You're on a first name basis with the judge. Oh, that's good. So that's either you belong to the same country club or you've been hauled in front of him for six time and four days. All right. That's a great one. You know the going rate for.

copper. Oh, because of the catalytic converter themes. You're either pulling it out of a streetlight in L.A. or you're trading on the NASDAQ. Oh, that's good. It's really elevated. In the 90s, they were horrible. When you leave the stadium, you get a police escort.

Oh, that's a great one. All right. All right. Now, do the Kardashian one. I don't remember the Kardashian one. Come on. Well, there is one that says, you, best one is the clerk.

All right, you tell me, no. I'll do it at the end. All right. The closer. One of the one is you do, you fuck the maid. Which is either you're either Schwarzenegger or you're her husband waiting for Arnold to come. Yes. Right?

You've got to come back to the apartment, right? Solid. There was a lives next door to a rapper. Oh. Malibu with Jay Z and Beyonce are in a shitty apartment in Van Nuys with the white kid named mayonnaise. I'll love you rapping. Yeah. Mayonnaise is going to pop.

Give him time. He's going to pop. Yeah. That's right. Let's see. One else. Sorry. Had lunch with Bono.

Huh? That's like, he does a lot of work with. You're either some indigenous tribe person or whatever, you're fucking heavy hit. Like, it's not a middle class. Nobody in the fucking middle class is ever had lunch with Bono. Okay. When somebody, oh, you have your own fragrance.

Oh. It could be. Dior. Or it could be Tipperillo's and Schlitz and B. right, right. When somebody is looking for you, somebody might say, have you checked his trailer?

Oh. You're on the set. You're on the set with Clooney or you just live in a fucking trailer. Jerry is orgasmic right now. There's another Leno one, which is you drive a car make that no longer exist.

You're either Leno and a Duesenberg or you're my stepdad, John, and a 74 AMC Matador. Nice. That's a good one too. Sificity really makes that one. The Kardashian was the closer. I don't remember that one. Okay. This is your problem.

This is why he's thinking of coming. It's rich man, poor man, if Kim Kardashian got you off. Oh. So you got Kanye, who she's blowing or Pete Davidson, or she got you out of jail. Right, right. She bailed you out. She bailed you out. Remember she was doing that for a minute?

Shit, I got to write that down. Yeah, that's a great one at the end. I wonder Seinfeld didn't want to come to me in 305. Damn. All right. Well, that clip cannot be found. No. Seinfeld probably scrubbed it from the internet.

He's that good, man. He learned you and got away with it. Yeah, he's powerful. Yeah. Damn. Did you find it, Mike? I got Andrew on it. He says, got it.

Stand by. Oh, who's Andrew? Well, he's a professional is what he is. Say what. These dudes. It's playing in our shows. I think you can pull it out of our show. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we played it. Right, we played it in my podcast. And it'll be utter vindication when you hear it, which would be also a good name for a dairy farm. Ooh, utter vindication. I love it. I mean, we're getting funny. He's doing your act, Mark.

You guys, it's funny. I always think about YouTube because you look like me and you sound like me. But, you know, when I was 34. And it's all Brillo. What I looked like when I was 34 as you, what I sounded like when I'm 34 as you. You could be my, you look more like me than any family member I have. Yes. It's crazy.

Yes. He could be related. I didn't have a cold roundup, so we're not that similar. Someone should do a DNA check on that sleeve in suit. Oh. That jacket is long gone. I threw that thing in a dumpster in Louisiana. He put the jacket.

Jack and jacket. I'm still waiting. Okay. All right. I'm not going anywhere until we find this. Oh, shit. I promise you right. Call gutfeld.

Yeah, call Gutfeld and tell them I'm not going anywhere. That shoots this early? It shoots, yeah. Damn. Shooting all over the place. Yeah, it shoots at two? Four sundown. Yeah, you can walk there, though.

It's close. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. We're okay. You didn't even touch your whiskey, Mark. What the fuck? Well, I got two shows today. I do, too.

I got shows. I'm getting fucking day drunk. Drive to New Jersey. I'm driving. Yeah, well, you should still drink. All right, all right. I'm putting it back. Thank you.

So out of my favorite story about you is actually about your character, who you are. It's about when you were, it must have been in the 90s sometime and you were performing at one of those Q104 or whatever events. I'll try and tee you up with the story so you can tell it. But there was a bathroom that was just for you. Do you know the story? No. Oh, okay. Art Kelly had the same thing.

Yeah, rich man poor man. So it was like... Oh, rich man. Poor man has the keys to the executive bathroom. Oh, the janitor. You're either the executive or the guy cleaning the toilet. Yes. I got an angle for rich man, poor man, if you haven't done it.

Hit it. Doesn't wear a condom. Yeah. Oh. Because Elon Musk doesn't wear a condom, but neither does fucking a poor. You're like, I think if you're super poor, you're like, it'll work out. Right, right, right. Both have a ton of kids.

Yeah, both have a ton of kids. That's great. That's great. Well, let's do bits instead of my stupid story. You got it. My shit sucks. No, so there's, what is this story? I don't know the story.

So it was like a Q104 festival and they had a bathroom that had your name on it. And a guy called in and said, I was the guy guarding that bathroom just for you. It said, this is Adam Krolla's outhouse, whatever it is. And then there was like 40 other outhouses, everyone else on the crew and everyone else at the festival could use. And he said, I watched you come down, look at the sign and then use the bathroom that everyone else uses. Yeah. And then you said, I didn't think that was for me. That sounds like my no self-esteem probably take on life.

Yeah. Yeah, I feel uncomfortable when people like go like out of the way or here he comes or this is for him or whatever that. It's weird. Yeah, except if it doesn't happen for you. But for me, I feel uncomfortable. He's a hypothetical uncomfortable. I'm actually real uncomfortable. Yeah, I also don't know if you teed him up for a gem there, Salekuse.

Tell the story about a bathroom you wouldn't use. Tell me about your part authority story. I said, man, one time when I didn't take a shit. Oh, man. Like it was yesterday. But I say it speaks to your character when I try to get someone to listen to your show. I tell them that story. I'm like, this is who he is.

Yeah, I'm a regular dude from North Hollywood with a, you know, a $10 million dollar Porsche. You know what I mean? Keeping it real. You know what I mean? That's not what I heard. No one to look at it. I'm a regular slub with a 935 Porsche that won Lamont.

You know what I mean? I was like F1? Oh, yeah. It was a little bit. and a little bit, you know. Cut that down. It could have been great, though. I really enjoyed it.

And Pitt is fucking cool, though. Like, he is a star for sure. Like, it's, but if you're into racing, it's ridiculous, right? It's well shot. The track scenes are really cool. Yeah, yeah, it's really, it's really cool. The end thing was like him getting in his custom van and driving down to Rosarita with a thing that says drivers wanted, you know, and he'd like pull in.

There's a Mexican family with a dune buggy. And he's like, they don't do drivers wanted ads on telephone poles. Right. You drove the Baja 500, 10 times, the Baja 1,000, 5 times, the Mint 400. Like, they know who you are. They don't just advertise for dudes to come down and drive their sandrails or their trophy trucks through Baja. That's how the driving game works. And had some cheese on it.

But I think Rush was a better film. Yeah, Rush. I didn't see that. Rush is good. It's Ron Howard. Oh, Rush is really good. Yeah, Rush is really good. And true story.

Yeah, yeah. No, that is the Nikki Lata story. Yeah. It was a really interesting, well done, well executed, and a true story of F1 fame. Is this it? Oh, this is Utah. This is no good. We're getting your side of all.

We might play. We'll play the clip within my thing. I'm prefaceing it's not from August. This is like National Treasure. AI gave us this clip. It said it's here. So if it's not here, it's AIS fault. All right.

So what do you mean what's going to go on? And I don't need to see another Porsche. Another Porsche. Is that Elon Gold? Oh, it is. Yeah. But they are on the, you know, Tom opens for him so they pick up the cadences. Oh, Tom Papa.

He makes you the bad guy in this story. They must have played it already. You have to have a toy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you got to play. I said play it again. So we'll play it. Play it against them.

All right. Oh, God. What's that movie? Inception loop of the story. We're going all over. Yeah. Tell the toy story again. All right.

We'll... Except this our audience is going to sleep here. One time when I chose not to shit in a designated toy. I had my name on it. I'll throw around the word hero. That often, but... How big was the toilet paper rule? Oh my God.

So what I did is I compromised, I just pissed on the role. There you go. Yeah. You should be beating. That was the episode. You just have to go back a little bit. Charlotte McKinney, my word. Yeah, I think they plumped up her boobs for whatever they're doing.

It's worth of it. Yeah. I love Photoshop. Yeah. Oh, I got a wreck for you guys. Oh, hit me, Fannie. I was just, I took a night off last week, just threw on an old movie. You ever just feel like old movie, haven't seen it, should have seen it?

Last Picture Show. Fucking unbelievable. Oh, that's a classic. Unreal. Young Jeff Bridges, young Sybil Shepard. Beautiful, man. Small Town, Texas. Fucking loved it.

Peter Bogdanovish. Incredible movie. Yeah, great movie. You know, Bogdanovich is crazy because he dumped his whoever and hooked up with Dorothy Stratton, Star 80, model of the year. Yeah. Playmate model the year. And then she was executed by her boyfriend.

What? Yeah, Star 80. And then he, once she got it. executed, he just started dating her younger sister. No way. That's a power move. Wow, that's worse than Arnold. Yeah, yeah.

Wow, younger sis. Yeah, start dating a younger sister. It's kind of like Amazon. If you like this, I recommend this. Right, right. It'll be here in two days. Here it is. There's. 33, 40. Here comes, guys.

This is a lot. Yeah. All right. It's coming up in 10 seconds. But we have to watch Alon Gold do Seinfeld. Oh, no. That's it? The Jewish loop. It's funny. You can start it.

You don't want to prod the king. That's the problem. I would prod the king if I was French. Spike should have. Yeah. I talked with Adam Carolla. Oh, yeah. Who wanted me to see his...

Here we go. Here we go. There's so many people around. And there was so much, you know, interaction going on. It was kind of difficult for me to maneuver. He kept pushing me. Well, hold on, hold on. There's always people around.

Elon, shut up. His trailer, his air-conditioned trailer. Watch us be 40-minute breakdown. It's like Zapruder. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. All right, jump ahead. I'll say I'll get back down.

The winter boot of reality. You'll say, I'll say it now. Nice car. It's a nice car. Yeah, great. You're great. But it is weird. Isn't it kind of cool to meet another guy with a 935? Look, right over there. There's a 935. Spike, voice of reason. You don't know. That car's been sold. That was the one out there's goodie, right? That's right.

I won't even look at Ben. Two minutes he's going to be doing walking. All right. That's him saying I'm not going over to see this car. I don't think it was that bad. I've stayed by my point. I think he was just done seeing, it's like my peeve today. He's like, I don't want to react to something. Listen, Jacksleeve.

By the way, it was originally the name of Ask Jeeves. He's standing in a sea of vintage Porsche race cars, and mine is 100 feet that way. I like your jacket, which was the sea of Mark Norman's over there. By the way, Pogdanovich, what a generational run he was on. He did Sill Shepherd too. That's the last dance level shit. That's MJ in Utah. Yeah.

And he's no prize either. He is not a handsome man, Bucknovich. But he made some fucking great movies. Paper Moon also. Oh my God. Wow. Is that right? Yeah.

No, he was a talent. Tate him. Yeah, he was. Great on the Sopranos is a therapist. That's right. By the way, also, Mel Brooks doc is unreal. I got to watch it. It's unreal.

I watch it. I watch it. Judd sent me like two clips. I got to watch it. I didn't realize how tough. The guy was tough. He beat people up. He's 99.

He saw action in World War II. I mean, he's a real man. Yeah, you saw Jackson on the way. All right. We're not going to do better than that, fellas. All right. These are. Where you had, Adam?

Adam Krollis dates. Oh, my God. Dallas, Texas. What? Uh-oh. So it says February 27. Oh, is there something before that? There is, but this show comes out like on the 15th.

Oh, okay. We'll do the math. Sorry. Yeah, shows. Just go to Adamcrawler. com. There's a bunch of life. Dallas, Texas.

I'm not doing rich man, poor man, so fuck all. Oh, are you getting a Hollywood Walk a Fame Star? I am. Whoa. I can't wait to piss all over that. I never talk about it. I instead complain about Seinfeld. That's low self-esteem.

And that's why I shit with the common man. Yeah. You got to get him to introduce it. Oh, wow. Yes. I've been driving 935. Yeah, we'll park right next to it. Yeah.

You want to see my star? No, he's got out of here. We'll do it. Okay, okay. Okay. You got to get out of it. All right. Thanks, you guys. Thank you. Carolla. What a pro. A lot of pro.

So many less. It was fun, right? That was a really good app. All right. Fun app with Adam. Hell yeah. You're trying to hand me something, Salekis. What is this?

You have me coming to your show on the 27th. Yeah, you're photographing my special in Tampa. February 26th and 27th I'm taping there. I want to say thanks. What do we got here? What is this? Oh, mama. Is this Tom Waits?

Oh, yes. It's one of it. It's late. What a badass photo. In Los Angeles. Who's the girl? It's a burlesque dancer. Whoa.

That's a cool picture, dude. Thank you. That's a negative I found at a flea market and I had printed. Whoa. He looks so cool. Yeah. I love Tom Waits. Hell yeah. Yeah, man.

You found that negative? I found the negative and I make prints of him. I found this negative. Oh! I have a website called Negative Collection where I make prints from negatives. I've seen it. Yeah. Oh, it's very cool.

Thank you. I got to get a frame. Beautiful. Awesome. I got some dates here. I think these are, it might be marks. When is this coming out? Mid-Feb is what I was told.

Mid-Feb, baby. Well, you know what, fucking, I'm putting it out there. I don't know if I'm allowed to, but Netflix special, March 17. Hey, Mazel Tov. Tell a friend, spread the love. Spread your cheeks. March 17th, you should be able to fucking put it out there. You know, I got all these weird, dumb rules.

Like, don't promote. I'm like, why not promote more? You know, we're trying to get people. able to see it so we're we but yeah Netflix March 17 beautiful and Sammy's taping his in Tampa special for for I don't know if I can say yeah for wink wink we'll see uh yeah Tampa February uh 26 and 27 27 sold I think there's only a few tickets left for the 26 Tampa theater going to be very cool got a cool looking set going to have this man photographing there going to be awesome best photographer in the game and then we have uh yeah and I think on sale like you

And then I beat up on him enough. I got to give him props, too. Good point. But then we have, best photos, man. So then we have Providence the week before. I think we just added a late show on Thursday, just to get a few reps in.

But I think those will all go. Stanford late show Thursday, too. I think that's the only one not sold out. Hell yeah. I hope I see you guys. Last times I'm running there, Stanford and Providence and Tampa, then fucking back to work.

Kill me now. I know. A cripple for a year and a half. I'm at Stress Factor all weekend, eating shit for 20 minutes where you're trying to new, you know, and then you're a fucking, you're a machine man, you'll figure it out. You got to do it. It's the only way. And I think people get it. We're lucky enough to be able to try new, fuck around and doing great rooms. Look at the rooms you're doing are the funest clubs. Same here. No, it's great. I mean, life is good, man. I got no complaints. It's just like, man, it's just, you know, we've done it enough times, turning over the material you just know what you're in for it. I know. Just like, fuck.

It just feels bad. It's also, I can't do a new shit at the cellar is so hard. It's so hard. People are just bringing the hits before you. And then you go up and you flub a few and you're just like, all right, I'm the fucking dead weight on the show. Exactly. And you only have 12, 15 minutes. So it's not like you can pull it all the nose dive up sometimes.

It's tough. When you're tweaking that 15, it's gold. Right. You're just like, I'm fucking molding this. This is killer. I get four in a night to figure this out. Yes. When you're building.

You're like, I don't have enough time to prove. I'm good. Yes. And be likable. Yes. And do new shit. Yeah. And win you over who you don't know me.

So I got to win you over, then try new, lose you, get you back. Yeah. It's a tough one. Yeah. And the seller's tough. I'm going to have to really start doing different rooms. If you got indie shows, hit me up. I got a too.

Oh yeah. I'll be doing your shows. Yeah. All right. We'd love to have you. I'd love to do it. All right. And I'm in Tulsa, Flagstaff, Arizona, Swaharita at the Desert Diamond Casino, India.

Indianapolis, Buffalo, and Portland, Maine has already sold out. Providence Road on the event. That's one of the great theaters. Lexington, Kentucky, Dania Beach, which is Fort Lauderdale, Raleigh, and L.A. For the Netflix Fest. Oh, yeah, I'm doing L.A. too. I don't know. I didn't plug that.

Also, Portugal just went on. I'm doing L.A. Portugal. Yeah, I'm doing Lisbon, August, end of August. Lisbon, Portugal. So I'm going to add a whole bunch more of European dates again. places I didn't hit. That's why I was asking you about Finland the other day. Yeah.

And then I also added, yeah, L.A. in May as well, I believe it's the seventh with Jordan Jensen, Joe List, and Rachel Feinstein. What a line-out. Doing a fun little, you know, show with some friends and... I heard you're... United Theater. Yeah, this, yours is? I think so. I don't know what the... I don't think it's listed yet.

It should be. May 7th. Oh, there it is. United Theater. Yeah. Okay, that's a fun... I've never done that one. Yeah, Equal Opportunity Show, too. Half and half. Yeah, that's nice.

Hey. Yeah. All right. Well, check out our punch-ups, our websites. Get some bodega. Bodega cats popping up everywhere. I think we're in an analog in the village now. Oh. Which is a cool little spot, really sweet, cool bar with cool cocktails. We had that P.B. and J drink there the other night. Tastes like a fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Scrumptious. Unreal. Yeah, it's going to get the kids drunk. It's a bad idea, but it tastes like heaven. It comes with luncheables now. It's great. Yeah. We're also in a tippetinas in New Orleans, which is...

Iconic. Iconic. It's like our CBGBs. So, that's an honor. Yeah, we're Lartuzi in the West Village, one of the best restaurants in the country, unbelievable restaurant. Yeah, we've eaten there twice. Oh, my gosh, it's the best. Blitzed. Get blitz there every time.

Excellent. And then we got your strip house. Yes. Comedy sellers cruising through cases and they're opening another room. Yeah, I mean... Comedy store on the menu. Thank you, Comedy Store, for that one. Our booze got passed there before us.

I love it, but we're grateful. Yeah. We got to pop in when we're there. And all these other clubs are serving it. I mean, this is stress factory serving it. That's right. Yeah. They're on weekend.

I drank it last night. Message bodega cat whiskey on Instagram. Our boy Matt will tee it up for us. But yeah, please, we want to be at your bar. It's like, what, 20-something states we're legal in? Oh, yeah. But we're getting there. Oh, yeah.

We're doing it, folks. So yeah, get a bottle and get a bottle at the club or a cocktail. Good Lord. I mean, these are like, they're really off-putting today. I have like eight different instruments in my ass. I'm like, Prince. All right. Next to fucking Louis Armstrong here.

We love you guys. Take it easy. Hey, golly. Sunday's a day from a bit of peeve, rocking shit about the fucking home in the roads. I'm out to lunch here. New Orleans, this woman doesn't look like I remember