We Might Be Drunk - Ep 28: All The Rye Moves

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

Sam and Mark try Ryes to see which one they're going to use for their bottle!!

we might be drunk we might be drunk as long as we are hanging out you know we might be drunk raise a glass let's talk shit pep heaps wrecks and a bit maybe drunk we might be drunk hey folks we might be drunk here we are back to the day drinking. I mean, it's pretty early again. Yeah, this podcast is literally an enabler. It's opening my eyes to what might be a problem. Yeah, we did one the other day. I was on two hours of sleep and then I left the pod after having a couple Guinnesses and went straight to a three hour car ride.

the pod after having a couple Guinnesses and went straight to a three-hour car ride, rode beers, two shows, drank it during the shows, Ari, Dina, Vecchione, James Mattern, drove back, drank it beers. It was just like a wild night. Damn. Are you hurting right now? No, I'm okay because I spread it out.

That's how you do it. That's how you do it. Kids, spread out. You can do eight to twelve beers if you do it over a long period of time. And that took years of failing and learning and trial and error. But I had a nice three-beer buzz throughout the day. That's a good buzz. I remember I had that coach when I was like seventh or eighth grade. He was a dude who was like, you can drink.

Just make sure you have a slice of pizza before soak up the booze. Yes. I'd like to picture the guy with the whistle and the stripes, the black and white. Have a slice of pizza before soak up the booze yes i'd like to picture the guy with a whistle and the stripes the black and white have a piece of pizza get a water in you all right that chug chug chug he was that he was such a funny guy he was the type of guy who would be like he would say something like he would just like say fucked up shit like about jews blacks anyone and he was like He goes, oh, I'm racist. I went to Memphis. I played baseball. 14 black guys, 10 whites, and a Jew. Me.

Like, that's how we defended it. We're like, yeah, no one's calling you racist. We're just like, I don't think that gets you off the hook. Right, right. It's hilarious. I love the angry guy who's like, ah, you called me racist? I fucked a black hooker in 84. They always have a list.

That wouldn't use this example anymore. Right. It's good that you're not racist, but I don't think the black hooker angle is doing you any points here. Yeah, yeah. And for the love of God, to the white guys out there, the argument of why can't I say it? Why can't I say the N-word? Why can't I? It's never going to work work so don't even have

the argument yeah it's just it's a bad hill to die on it's a bad hill and there's no chance a black guy's gonna go all right go for it you got me i'm yeah you turn me around on this huge thing even if you're right wrong it's just never gonna work out you know the white guy at the bar who's like who's like why can't i say it and you're like you can just let me leave first so i don't have to so people don't think i know you yes yes do it at your own risk exactly do anything at your own risk right yeah you can say anything i guess you can just deal with consequences but we want to be away from you yeah yeah it is fascinating watching some people still just say it out loud they're like like, whoa, it's like a throwback. It's wild to see.

It's like seeing a steam engine car. You're like, what? That's still going? Look at that. Either way, it's going away quickly. That's why. It ain't the train you want to be on. Right, right.

And that's why you also make up new words. Like it used to be the word for gay people with an F, and now it's cuck. It's really just a different word. C is just that's that's all that is it's and it's not even gay it's like sissy it's like it's like pussy or something right sissy was the old school one sissy was old school yeah fairy but then it i mean louie had that bit about it so did carlin but just how like fag wasn't like it didn't mean gay really didn't you just called your friends that like hey come on take that shot it was just like you're just saying it yeah you're weak but it's still like it's not it's not the right example right right right right but now it's

cocked because you can't take a whole group of people for what you're right yeah unless it's pussies then it's okay yeah that one that one also was a substitute for a while yeah that one's kind of universal that's gonna that's sticking is it pussy is around forever yeah don't be a pussy yeah it's weird that it's a bad thing because it's like you're out calling your friend that but that's also what you're trying to get ah yes yes and then betty white had that great quote like why why is a pussy weak i take a pounding it takes a pounding you know yeah that's like it's like too much information by the way from betty yeah yeah it's like all right i appreciate the point i don't want to picture you

uh getting rammed in the back of a betty white yeah what do i care i'd like to see betty white get plowed would you yeah sure i mean you know it's a fun image i'm not jerking off to it but i i'll watch a guy get his head cut off just for the image you know yeah i mean faces of death i'm not i'm not going out and look for for it but if you see a guy on the side of the road you're like wow you know paralyzed yeah you gotta look yeah i mean these videos go viral for a reason folks we talked about it last week the hanging the public hanging that's why people showed up people used to show up they used to gather around a crowd yeah that's what i never got at the urinals you know people were like why would you look at my dick i'm like i'm curious like what

are you gay i'm like no i just want to see what your dick looks like. It has nothing to do with horniness or sexuality. I don't desire it. I just want to see. You got to be, you got to do it casually, though. Because I've definitely had the dude just look at me. I'm like, come on, dude. The dude's just like staring right at it. Yeah, this guy.

With the glasses. How about when you're at, you're peeing next to a guy who's like 6'9", and they're just like looking down. You're like, ugh, this is unpleasant. Oh, that's the worst. Tall pervert. Yeah. Tall pervert. Yeah. Tall pervert.

That's a character. That's a sketch. Tall perv. How about the kid who had the mirror on his shoe? Whoa. Oh, that was big. Damn. Yeah.

I went to a co-ed high school. Oh, okay. I went to a Catholic school, so the skirts were there. Oh, wow. Yeah. So that was pre-porn internet. Damn. I didn't do it, but that was a thing.

And then another big thing was the walking upstairs and a lot of guys would look up. Yeah, that was a big one. Yeah. As long as you're not doing the porkies, jam your dick through the hole and be in the shower. Right. That gag did not age well. No, no. But his dick had a mole on it, which related to i got the mole do you oh yeah

it's not three-dimensional it's more of a freckle i'd say freckle yeah yeah so my dick would be ruined in a lineup yeah you know like well that hides the other uh the other marks on your penis yeah all the warts and blisters and herpes yeah Yeah. Should we do a sample of this on the air? We got to tell the folks at home what the hell this is. So Mark and I are in the process of making our own rye, which is very exciting. Shout out to Christopher for sending us all these from the distillery. I feel like I might have forgot one, but maybe not. I guess it was only six.

Yeah. Should we just start with one, right? So this is what we're going to be selling potentially here. We got to find one we like, but we'll do it. We won't do it too long, but we should at least try these. Should we give it a go? Let's do it. Let's do it professional.

Different cup for each one and you can see the difference in color. This one's a little darker. That one's super light right here. These were sent to my apartment, so I did smell some of them first because I just wanted to know what we're working with. Yeah. And I do like the smell of bourbon and rye. Dude, this one might be an early favorite in terms of smell.

Just up to scent. Should we not go with this first then? Yeah, save it. Save it. This one is- But this is going to be tough because we got to- Are we spitting? Are we swallowing?

How are we doing this? Let's just take a little sip so we don't get too fucked up because we're out of them. All right. Good diversity here. This looks like the setup at Sephora, you know, when you got to find the color palette. All right. This one is interesting. 2017 rye whiskey.

This is 95% rye. Mm. Is that good? Perfect. Thank you. Oh, man. This is so exciting. Cheers, buddy.

I'm proud of it. This is very adult. So adult. Oh, man. This is so exciting. Cheers, buddy. I'm proud of it. This is very adult. So adult. Cheers. Okay. This is, what was this? This is 100% rye. 95.

95% rye. 2017. Good year. A little sweet. Not bad. That's good. That's good. Goes down easy.

I could see drinking that and I could see – I also want to see how we could mix this. I think this would go well with a Manhattan. Yes, yes. Not too much kick, but you still know it's there. It's got a little smokiness, which I don't – and rye is always a little spicier than bourbon. This is fucking nice, dude. Oh, that's good. I'm already on board with that one.

All right. Maybe I should pour it a little smaller if we're doing six. Yeah, yeah. Because we're going to be doing six shots. Yeah. Yeah, good point. Well, little baby shots here. Little preemies.

But yeah, that is good stuff. I'm already in love with that one. I'm worried I'm going to love them all. That is the problem. I feel like foster parents here. Right, right. I know. I feel like Larry King here. Right, right. I know. I feel like Larry King.

We got six wives here and I love them all. Did he only have six? I think he had like eight or nine. Yeah, you might be right. Imagine getting married. By marriage age, you're probably like, all right. What's the difference? One more shot.

I mean, I think at that point, the wife's just like, you married seven other women. It's not even romantic. It's just like, I don't want them to have something on me. That's a bit. And just think about that alimony, though. He must have prenups out the ass. There's no way he's paying off all those divorces. That's brutal.

Wait, this is the one we just had. Yeah. So, let's put that. Here, I'll take it. You hold that. We'll put that in the very good category. Very good. Now, I'm sorry to all these rise.

You got to beat very good. Yes. Sorry. We got – this is another – This is a new cup? This is just 2017 rye whiskey. New cup. Yeah, I got new cups for us.

I'm in love. This is 95% rye. That's full rye? I guess it's full rye. Wow. Okay, you got a full rye to college. All right. All right. Thank you. rye. Wow. Okay. You got a full rye to college. All right. All right.

Thank you. All right. Cheers. Ooh. This is number two. Full rye. Interesting. It's a little sour.

It's kind of interesting. Mm. Yeah. What do you think? It's not. I still like this one better. I like it, but it's not. It's good. It ain't beating that 95. No. Yeah. What do you think? It's not, I still like this one better. I like it, but it's not, it ain't beating that 95. No, no.

This one had a little, little meat to it. Whereas this one just is a little more paint thinner-y. It's here and it's gone. Like my biological father. Who also loved rice. All right. So this is what we just had. So this one's out.

Ah, it's out. i'm sorry to say this is like the bachelor this is crazy but it's fascinating that it just this has 95 that's full and it's so much different i'm worried that we're gonna have to this might be a we might be a leave here drunk because there might be a showdown at the end oh that's right that's right or a man down because uh this could put me on my ass i got four shows tonight oh shit i got three and i got our boy salicus following me around well at least you got a dd this is a canadian whiskey i'm not too high on this first off because i want an american i want our shit to be american we're american good point

good point yeah fucking tim horton bullshit over here come on what the hell's a mountie should we still try it though the canadian of course i gotta try it perfect pour that was perfect we'll go a little on this one because we're not that enthused on it anyway sorry canada well it's the canadian uh conversion rate it's a little less Cheers. It's got a kick already just in my nostril. It's not good. No, it's trash. It's trash. Just like poutine.

Who is that mayor who was a crackhead? Trudeau. Oh, Moore? He looked like Farley. Yeah. That's what this is. This is trash. Yeah.

Who is that guy? Reed? I think he died. Reed? He died. He died. He died. He died.

He died. He died. He died. He died. He died. He died. He died. He died.

He died. He died. He died. He died. He died. He died. He died. He died.

He died. He died. He died. He died. He died. He died. He died. He died.

He died. He died. He died. If Farley was alive, he would have been perfect. That would have been like an SNL. Oh, completely. Oh, my God. Let's take the paint off.

Take some water. Thank you. All right. All right. What else we got here? That one kicked. This one I think is going to be good. This is malted.

51% rye and malted barley. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Smells pretty good. We'll see. All right. I tend to like it darker. So these seem to be darker.

That Canadian was- You sound like my ex-girlfriend. That Canadian was way too pale. What? The Canadian one was too... Yeah, that was like albino. Yeah, too see-through. That was some bullshit.

Smells good. Yeah. Not bad. Interesting. Not bad. That's different. What was this one again? This was 51% rye and malted barley.

I still think that one's in the lead, though. Still the winner. Easily. It's good. I'll get a different... Damn, this is tough. That's pretty good. We're not aficionados.

We just like alcohol. Yeah, yeah. I'm not even like... This isn't exactly sideways where we're like. Yeah, we're swishing it, getting the nose in there. But we also got to think about the folks at home. Like, what would they like? I think people would like that.

This one has the best flavor. Goes down easy. Yeah. All right, what are we on here? I'm like my ex. I'll tell you. You could use that for almost anything. Your teacher really seems to care.

Man, best movie. Meet Wally Sparks is so fucking funny. Oh, so funny. Somebody tweeted at us or Instagram back to school like, I'm loving it. Off your rec. Oh, dude, that movie is, that's one of the best comedies of all time. Oh, yeah. So this is maybe number two so far.

Really? I think so. I think so, too. It's different. All right. I'm going to do a little palette again. Yeah, get in there. We'll share the water.

This one is 36% rye and it's a bourbon. I didn't think we were on the bourbon train, but I guess we're giving it a shot. This is bourbon and rye. Yeah. I didn't know you could mix and match. I they were two separate things that's perfect yeah yeah we don't need to get too fucked up yet yeah we got big nights ahead of ourselves let's see smells all right i don't know is this interesting to anyone i have no idea i can't tell me that's we're gonna keep it pretty short yeah matt is this terrible what we're doing oh he's sleeping

all right all right uh hey people watch guy fieri wolf down Chili Dog for six hours, you know? I don't love this one. Uh-oh. I thought I would. It's bitter. It's interesting, but it's not like, it's a little too bitter for me. Yeah, it came in good, then it didn't last. I was like, oh, I like, yeah, I don't like it.

Hmm. Yeah, this one's tough. It's tough's tough it's like it feels like a punishment yes yes that's a face turner you know that that ain't it grandma's cough medicine kind of one i feel like so out of the gate that is killing it we have one this is the number one contender right here. Oh, yeah. This one, I'm worried, could unseat the one in the first place. Okay. I'm putting the king back on his throne here, but we'll see. Can he beat the king?

I wish they had names or something. Wouldn't that be nice? Well, we're naming them. That's why they don't have names. Good point. So this is what it is, baby. Let's do it. We can say, like, this is Michael, Tito, Jermaine,

or are we the Wayans brothers? All right. There we go. This is the longest we've made without you farting. Here we go. Mmm. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That's pretty good.

It's pretty good. Oh, no. Now we got to try them back to back. You know what? This has a nice finish. It does have a good finish. Not a lot of kick. Good band.

Not really. They're terrible. Damn, this is tight. Let's keep it. Don't finish that because we might have to do a taste off now. Damn. That's good. What is that?

Rye whiskey, 51%. So this is rye and bourbon, which is kind of our two loves, melding. Is that said bourbon? This is rye and this is looks like ryan corn oh ryan corn okay we know nothing 95 proof that's pretty is that a lot no not really i don't know the proof they're both 95 no that's pretty standard for rye i think all right damn so should we do the 95 now again i want to try that one again, yeah. Let's give it a go.

I still have the cup. Do you? Yeah, it's the first one. How about I give you a new one? I'll give you a new one. I'll tell you. You're all right. You know, I grew up in the Depression.

I'll tell you. I love those Rodneys. I got no respect, I'll tell you. I used to share a locker with a mop, I'll tell you. No respect at all. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. All right.

So I got jogging naked down my street. I said, what are you doing? You came home early. That's a classic. Oh, yeah. That one took me a second as a kid. I remember here. doing you came home early that's a classic oh yeah that one took me a second as a kid i remember here i think i you know you you know you're drinking too much when you when you take a

piss and you see an olive i'll tell you my ex-wife was so fat i dropped a uh i dropped a drop of water in her belly button i heard an echo all right here we go back to number one again that might be the winner man that's so smooth it wins again it's so good it's the other one was a good good contender but this is the winner i gotta remember which one how funny would that be if we just had to redo the whole thing just got badly yeah this is the one i think wow i write it down winner winner that's it for sure you think i think so i mean to me it's that's smooth it's leaps and bounds ahead country mile so this could be detour oh or fat cat or fat cat we'll see damn that was that was fun that was fun thanks for thanks for going on that journey with us. I've seen people do it, and I never thought I'd be doing it myself, and it's very exciting.

Damn. All right. We're going to have our own whiskey. Look at that. I wish the folks at home could taste it, but you will at some point. I mean, that's the whole point. We're trying it so you could try it. I mean, this is smooth.

I'm going to have a little bit more. Yeah, I got a little here, too. That is very good. That's a sipping whiskey. That's a sipping. We want this to be able to, I want a whiskey you could sip, you could shoot, that you could throw in a cocktail. Yeah.

That is good stuff. 2017, folks. And I think it'll taste even better in a glass. I feel like we should get glasses for this shit, but damn, that's nice. That is nice. And I'm glad we did it. We tasted it like even if our friend chris who's doing all this for us if he said i got it for you i'll figure it out i'm

i'm an aficionado we'd probably go okay whatever you think but i'm glad we actually picked it yeah i mean we're we're a small part of the process but we're part of it yes yes here here damn good stuff that must be hard to like pick a kid to adopt it's true i can barely pick a menu item yeah but like i bet it's hard if you're at the store you're like you know do you think they do it like this they're like fuck these let me get those last two let me look at them one more time yeah let me hang out with him a little bit see if i like him see if he mixes well with friends shit that must That must be crazy hard. Yeah, even picking a dog is hard. You know, you got to go to the kennel and look at them. Did you ever done that?

I have as a kid. Yeah, we picked a dog. Or we would just get the stray, like bring the stray in, you know, or you find the one at the Walmart in the box. Yeah. There's always a lady with like eight puppies in a box. I had a friend growing up. He just always had pets and he would just keep his mom was fucking a little nuts and she would just keep adopting these adorable pets yeah and then get

rid of them once they got older because she was like she's like well no we were like what happened to that dog she's like we got a new dog it didn't die it just wasn't cute to her anymore oh that's horrible fucking insane that's insane i thank god she didn't do that with your friend you're not cute anymore you got acne you got a boner get out of here he's 13 he's living on the street yeah yeah that's a better version of me in there right that could be a bit too yeah because we all know that kitten and that puppy i mean you can't beat it but you know you grow to love it then you don't want to be my um our cat Our cat, we were both out of town, so we let a friend watch it. You come home, it feels a little bummer. You're like, I usually get greeted at the door.

I got something to pet. I can rub the gut. And it was weird. The house felt very empty without it. Damn. So the cat wasn't as warm to you because you'd been gone? No, no. It wasn't home.

We had to go get it. But you pull up at home, and there's's nothing there it's just a dark house they animal had so much energy to the place yeah that's is it hard to work when the cat's there you sometimes like at the computer and the cat will like jump on your lap or something a little but it's cute and it's fun you go hey get out of here you weirdo and then it kind of bats at your handle like it wants to play but then it just sleeps for the rest of the day so it's kind of nice does it does it stick uh its butt up for you to pet yes and you can feel it pushing against your hand which is like so flattering you're like you want it yeah like a horny man just sticking your butt yeah oh we've all done that with the

girlfriend how you're laying in bed you put the boner in the back she's like jesus christ this is all these are your moves? This is how you let me know you want to get laid? Cats are cool, man. I really think they're like, they get no love. I've seen comics go up there and be like, cats suck. And everyone applauds. And I'm like, you're fucking sheep.

How about that? Yeah. You're all sheep. Cats are like Dane Cook. It's like, oh, it's cool to dislike him, you know? Yeah. And you're like, no, he's actually a talent and he just blew up really big. So people like to see him fail.

But yeah, I don't know. There's good qualities. And I don't want the dog. I don't want the guy jumping up on me all day long. I like the thing sleeping on the windowsill. Dogs want a lot of attention. This is pretty good. Pretty damn good.

This is nice that we can just sip on this that canadian that was terrible i would not let that over the border that was the worst canadian since celine dion yes no that was that was terrible and neither of them have full body but she was uh notoriously anorexic celine dion yeah. If you pull up a photo, it's wild. She had a much older... Didn't she marry her manager? Wasn't it something like that? I think so. I think so, yeah. She was much older?

Yeah. Canadian, a lot of talent out of Canada. Oh, yeah. Bieber, Celine. I'm curious that you fucking opened with Bieber out of all the people. There's so many people to pull from and you're like, yeah, yeah, Bieber. Yeah, well, in the comedy world alone, it's like Norm. Leonard Cohen.

Oh, Leonard Cohen. Yeah, Montreal. Seth Rogen, Michael Cera, all Canadian, Mike Myers. Jim Carrey. No. Isn't Jim Carrey from Canada? Oh, Jim Carrey. I thought you said Drew Carey.

Yeah. Yeah, Jim Carrey, amazing, Canadian. Colin Quinn once told me a story about Norm MacDonald that, like, Leonard Cohen used to go see him. What? At a club in Montreal. Leonard Cohen liked Norm. Are you kidding? And, yeah, and Quinn's like, yeah, he would go see Norm at the club.

He just liked watching him. He thought it was really funny. Oh. And Norm had no idea who he was, nor did he care. Like, he just didn't give a shit. Wow. So I guess, like, he brought it up to him once. He was like, oh, yeah, that guy. Yeah, his music sucks or whatever.

Wow. And it's like, I love Lettercom, man. But it's hilarious that Norm was like, yeah, fuck that guy. I like country. That's what he said. That's funny. That's what Colin Quinn told me. Wow.

Yeah, Norm. I mean, this sounds weird. But maybe eight years ago, over D'Elia, he was a Vine star at Carolina. And Bieber was in the audience. Really? Yeah, he didn't see my shit but uh he wouldn't like me anyway but yeah he was like a huge probably the oldest person in the audience count it that's the joke of the night right there but yeah crazy damn and that was like bieber you know now bieber is weird with dreadlocks and, you know, driving a Ferrari off a cliff. Did you meet him?

No, no, no. That's so weird. Bieber. I remember there was like a video of him playing ball with his like entourage. He's like lighting them up. And you're like, you know, none of them get to play their A game against him. Of course. Of course.

You got to let them have it. He's like, damn, Bieber, you fucking, you got the skills, man. They zoom back. The basket's like 5'1". You know, he's dunking. They lower it. Can you hit the rim? I've dunked like twice in my life.

On 6'3", I should be able to dunk. That's impressive, though. Yeah, but they were bullshit. I can't jump, dude. I have no hops. Yeah. I'm not. Wouldn't you love hops?

Hops look fun. Yeah, it looks so fun. Just the guy jumping over a fence, you know, just no hands. I have fear, too. You can't have fear. Like, I'd be scared to go through the lane and try to dunk it. Because if you fail, it's so embarrassing. No, I mean, like, I think I would get injured or something.

I mean, you can't, like, I see people do that, like, in pickup games. I'm like, you're not scared you're going to, like, tear an Achilles or some shit? Right, right. that like in pickup games i'm like you're not scared you're gonna like tear it an achilles or some shit right right i'd be so scared to uh you know go for if i could do that to go for it and because people just foul you in street games that's true yeah i'm not going down on a on a hardwood floor you're going down on fucking concrete concrete you're gonna really get hurt like i'll go down just me going full speed i'm not that fast and I'm like fuck that hurt yeah my friend plays he's like a Jewish guy he's 5'10 and he's like a big street ball guy he gets elbowed in the face constantly like all that you know like

checking and he just handles it I'm like that would that would bother me for the day I'd be like dude you elbowed me in the face you know like I would be the guy reasoning like what the fuck was that but he just handled it it's very impressive that's why you gotta play with like all comics cause they all just know not to hit you in the face like we're all trying to be on tv yeah yeah yeah that's true but man when when something like scary

street tough guy elbows you and you're like what was that and your nose is bleeding and he's like what what do you mean i didn't know i didn't do anything like that's no fun i used to play with amy's uh husband chris oh yeah ch with Amy's husband, Chris, all the time. Chris, he's a good basketball player. And great chef. Great, yeah. But we would play. And I remember one time we played with this dude who was, like, unhinged.

Oh, no. Like, completely out of his mind. Like, he could fucking play. Yeah. But he was just, like, we walked in as some guys, like, fuck you. And he's like, walk away, bitch. Walk away. And I was like, that was that guy's teammate's teammate like that's how we talked to his teammate yeah he's that crazy so like he walked the guy he's like i'll fuck you up i'll fuck you up and then chris

and i like i guess we're on his team now i don't know and we play with him and he was just like just shitting on us the whole time like hey man and you can't like pull them aside and be like hey i do better with constructive criticism. I don't do well with. Exactly. But he was just out of his fucking mind. And Chris has told me like he's played in some of those games with like in L.A. with like big names. He played a game with Kanye once. Wow.

And he said Kanye calls goaltending in like a celebrity league, which is to me like none of them can jump that high. That's fucking hilarious. What is goaltending? Because I only know it from NBA Jam. Oh, it's like you can't get the ball as it's coming down. So like that basically means people are blocking like over 10 feet. Like they're getting that high. No one is jumping that high in these games.

I see, I see. Or you can't, like if it's off the backboard, you can't like hit it out. You've got to let it go in. Oh, so it was on the way down into the basket. Yeah, you can't just swat it. Got it, got it. That makes sense.

Yeah, you got to get on the way up. Oh, yeah. All right. I never knew what that was and I always pretended to. Yeah. Yeah. I got you with sports terms, man.

I still can't believe he played with Tracy Morgan. I played with him? No, I'm joking about the crazy guy. I sat behind him at a game once. It was me and Anthony DeVito, and we got courtside tickets. We're sitting behind him. That's the show.

Dude, it was crazy. Yeah, dude, he was so funny. Wow. Michael Beasley from the Knicks went off, and Tracy Morgan just kept turning around and going, real animals eat meat and we're just like what i don't even know what that means we just like what do you do you just have to be like yeah dude we're just like high five we're like yeah you don't even tell me you're a comic i'm sure that would be a whole night you a comic get in here come on make me laugh you're

like i don't know no no i'm just watching the game he is tracy i mean he is the 30-hour character it's amazing when he would sit at the cell or he'd be at some table just screaming at everybody and you like walk by like don't don't scream at me you know and you're i'm supposed to be here i'm working at the comedy club and i'm like oh shit thank god he made it thank god he's okay that would have been fucking tragic dude oh at the walmart yeah yeah yeah holy shit of all the companies like i think about all the companies to do to crash into someone and then of all the people to crash into right it's like the biggest company and the most hated company crashing into the most beloved comedian like who doesn't like tracy morgan i know and the most outspoken loud eccentric guy you know that guy'll say anything So you better give him the money.

Can you imagine being up at Walmart? You're like, all right, who did we hit? And they're like, you're going to kill me. Right. Have you seen 30 Rock? You're like, oh, fuck. And thank God you got hit by the biggest. You know, you don't want to get hit by, you know, Jill's ice cream.

You know, or whatever it is. You know, what do you call that we have nothing will an apology do mr morgan yeah we'll donate 20 to blm what is that uh what what is that word with a it's always nice food and it's like this is it's very hipstery and and organic it's rustic artisanal okay what is artisanal i have no idea what that means no idea okay let's look it up look it up i've seen it all over the place especially in brooklyn yeah artisanal okay what is artisanal i have no idea what that means no idea okay let's look it up look it up i've seen it all over the place especially in brooklyn yeah artisanal cheese it's got to be something about like homey or homemade or something i assume or they they take pride in it or that no one was harmed everyone takes pride in their food no one's like

rob ford that was the guy's name by the way yeah damn he looks like if tom arnold fucked farley that was the guy's name by the way yeah he looks like if tom arnold fucked farley huge man yeah artisanal that's one of those words that got non-mechanized non-mechanized what does that mean traditional oh so that means they made it like with the mortar and pestle and they churn the butter i see that's cool. So Amish or artisanal? Because there's no machines. I just did a show in Amish country. What? Yeah, dude.

Whoa, what was that like? It was great. It was like at the local theater. It's hilarious. I had Shafi with me. It's hilarious when you do these gigs. And they were very nice. The crowd was great. The theater is really cool.

But it's funny. You see the other things they show in the theater and it's like a it's like a hometown version of beauty and the beast whoa i'm going up against i'm going up against beauty yeah yeah like it's fucking that's tough because everyone in the town goes because their wife is in it their kid is in it so you gotta go yeah it's like a gimme for an audience it's and it's also hilarious that it's like for the people that did not know me there they're just like we thought this would be like a family thing oh yeah my whole riff on it was like but really what i'm saying is less offensive than uh a woman fucking an animal so that's true that's true yeah and a gay candle

for some reason but uh you know it's always a bummer when you do some big theater and you see all these signatures on the wall and you're like, this place is from 1908. And you're like, oh, baby, we're going to get some Carlin, some Chaplin, some Pryor. And it's like the Beauty and the Beast cast or Othello. Come on. I don't want that signature. I want Lenny Bruce or something. Right.

But it's all the time. Hey, this is a Technicolor dream coat. You're like, all right, get out of here. It is cool when you see bands that went through there. You're like, oh, shit. Yes. I did some theater. Oh, I did the Paramount in Austin.

They're like, Chaplin played here. And you're like, that is so crazy. They think Chaplin in 1911 or whatever the fuck it is played there. That's pretty badass. Yeah. Fun story about chaplain english guy i believe chaplain i think he's english oh get that a goog there man i think he's english he seems so american and he's not i thought he was jewish he's not jewish

he's a british cat yeah where's he from i'm embarrassed i don't know this i know no one no one talks about how he's british but uh i hope i'm not wrong here by the way somebody said are you jewish and he said i don't have the honor really big fan of the uh the hebes yeah yeah you don't hear that every day anymore i know i know old school yeah he's from london hey there you go and he died in switzerland ah not a bad way to go and he was married to an 11 year old i believe what something like that i don't know this shit at all i guess i don't know that much about him i'm a fan i'm a family star united artist you probably should say you're a fan after the 11 year old it's a long time to show

that you're uh on board yeah yeah uh but uh my point is for real no I think 14. Still not good. You know, it was the 40s or whatever. It was a different time. Jeez. So he was doing vaudeville, obviously, trying to make his way. And the Marx Brothers are out, like, this is some Omaha sticks, wherever. They're doing vaudeville, getting chased, barely getting paid. And Groucho was like, well, let's go. I'm going to go see who's playing at the town over whatever

had to kill a day and he said he saw this kid and it was unbelievable he's like this was the best show i've ever seen it was just some 14 year old kid juggling oranges and falling and he's like this kid's phenomenal it was chaplain and no one knew who he was and no one knew who he was either but so he was in the 14 year olds-olds too. That's crazy, man. What a story. I think they were both young, but yeah. That's wild. The Marx Brothers story is such a movie.

I read their book. I'm like, this is a movie. I don't know enough about the Marx Brothers. I know you're obsessed with Groucho. Tell me about it. I mean, the mom was a singer, so they came from a musical family, lived in a shitbox in the Upper East Side. Poor Jewish people, immigrant parents. The mom pushed him into a musical act. They hated it. musical family lived in the in a shit box in the upper east side poor jewish people immigrant

parents uh the mom pushed him into a musical act they hated it chico whatever his name was a pool shark a hustler um groucho was like a piece of shit they were all just like street kids wow and they got into it and performed an act and at one point they were singing and they ran out of songs or something happened and they just had to tell jokes to like kill time and it killed and so they're like we'll just do this wow they didn't want to sing that was their fallback yeah fallback and it worked out and everything in their life came from falling ass backwards into something nothing was planned you just had to you had to survive back then you know so we'll adapt whatever we got to do grease paint he wore a mustache he couldn't find it one night so he just put grease paint on that

stuck and uh he he got his name because he was a poker player and you have a thing called a grouch bag and that was they were calling him cheap like go groucho over here he won't pull money out to play more poker and so that's where he got groucho groucho wow harpo played the harp obviously but yeah crazy just fist fights and anti-semitism and running from gigs like these hillbillies would chase with guns and they would try to run to catch the train i mean crazy shit and then they made it they were the biggest thing in in the theater world and then uh they got done the movies came out and that was over it's so interesting like i hear stories like i like we think we had tough gigs and then you hear like bill hicks in an interview like they chased us out of the bowing alley with guns and i'm like

you lost me a bowling alley like fuck that shit that's true that's true towns you never heard of yeah you got i mean comics will shit on bill hicks sometimes but it's like you know he did the rounds, man. He paid his dues. Yeah, he had chops. Oh, yeah. People will shit on him. It's like Bill Hicks went to the bad areas.

Yes. He was doing those like liberal bits in Alabama. Yes. Yeah, he was doing smart jokes to dumb people. And he said he felt like an alien. So one of his tours was called like the space tour or something. Thefo tour the fine saucer flying saucer yeah which meant like they don't even they stare at me like i'm a weirdo yeah i'm just talking up there but man yeah he was a beast yeah he was awesome man so crazy that's fascinating about grout i didn't know that that was the origin

of his name i don't know why it won't won't no one will make a movie out of it just crazy life story who would play groucho oh that is the question i don't know that no one will make a movie out of it. Just crazy life story. Who would play Groucho? Ooh, that is the question. I don't know. That's a tough one. It probably has to be like an unknown. Yeah, I don't know. It might have to be because you don't want some regular or star fucking that up.

I don't know. Shia LaBeouf maybe? Shia LaBeouf. How about the guy who played, how about like Rami Malek, that guy who played. Oh, that guy who played. Oh, that's pretty good. I didn't think the Bohemian Rhapsody movie was good, but I thought he was incredible.

He was amazing. I totally believed he had AIDS. He was incredible. That was weird how we, in that scene, in the movie where he goes, he told him that he, he had AIDS and he goes,

I got it. I got it. That's what we call it. It's like it. Yes. That's also what they say when you've got that it factor. Right. That kid's got it. He's like, I've got it. You're like, damn right you do. You've got it, buddy. That's funny.

Yeah. It's so true. It's like Goldman's bit. He's like, we love fucking so much that we have a birth control. We call it the pill. There's a pill that cures polio. That's not the pill. This is the pill. Damn. I mean, Goldman's on another level. Gary Goldman. Look him up, guys. If you haven't seen The Great

Depression on HBO. So good. Gary Goldman, great comic. Great guy. He's got a couple Netflix, too. His albums are great. Yeah, he's killer. But his most recent is The Great Depression. Yeah. Yeah. And as he would say, top of his game. He really is. He's great. and i think he's got a new

hour that's killer i i would believe it he's got like a 20 minute chunk on chipotle that's just like incredible incredible like to pull that much comedy out of this chain fast food restaurant yeah i love it he was my he wrecked me at the comedy cellar back in the day. Wow. He was my wreck to get me an audition at the Comedy Cellar. Damn. I opened for him at Magooby's Joke House in like 2011. Yeah. And he was – I got off stage. I was like nervous.

He would think I was funny and he goes, you're going to be my first Comedy Cellar wreck. What? And he said to me, I got off stage. I was like – Wow. But you're so beaten down at that point in your career when you're featuring that you're just – I was just like, that's nice. I'll believe it when I see it.

Yeah. But he delivered. Wow. That is the coolest. I've never heard of a wreck like that. Crazy, right? Crazy. I barely knew him.

We knew Ryan Hamilton was a mutual friend of ours. So Ryan would say to me, like, he's like, oh, you guys are going to love each other. Like, you know, I think they lived together at that point. Yes. So he, I think, was like, like oh you're gonna like sam and and said the same obviously to me about him huge compliment from that guy like that guy's such a great writer look him up folks because he's not the biggest comic but he should be way bigger he's doing pretty well though i mean i mean and he's uh i mean i think he's playing pretty big venues now. And like his stuff is very cerebral.

Like it's meant to be seen in like a, it's weird when I see some comics where I'm like, they're meant to be seen in a club. Some guys are meant to be in a theater. Gary's meant to be in a theater, I think. Complete theater act. Yeah. I mean, I'm getting cunty with clubs. Yeah.

And I'm nobody. But I start seeing the waitress. I was at a club recently and the waitress was louder than the audience oh it drives me nuts and i kept getting louder to drown her out she got louder you know and it was like what are you doing we fighting for the we fighting for the floor yeah that drives me nuts most clubs are pretty good about that but every once in a while you run into someone you're like hey man i am trying to talk up here yeah yeah this is the show that they're paying for so let

me do it you wouldn't i always say you wouldn't do that during hamilton right well they don't serve drinks during hamilton that doesn't intermission or check spot or chicken fingers there's none of that and so it kind of it's what's beautiful about comedy and also what's cruel about comedy is like we're always kept in check hey the buffalo wings are more important than you i know you think you're some artist but we got to keep the lights on and you're like yeah you're right and it keeps you humble but you're also kind of like what do i what are we doing here this is the system we've worked out also in the age of venmo and bluetooth and digital like we got to sit there and go, hang on.

I got to give this guy his check for the Mai Tai. And he's got to fill it out and hand it back to me. And that's all ruining your act. Like, I don't know. It just feels dated to me. What are you playing is making Mai Tais. You're playing nicer venues than me, I think. I needed a specific drink.

It was probably more of a Long Island, let's be honest. Oh, the Long Island iced tea, the death drink. Yeah. That's one I'll never drink on here here you'll never see me drinking a long island iced tea because i like alcohol too much right right the long island is is basically like i just want to get hammered i don't care what it is what it looks like how i'll feel tomorrow let's just get get me feeling better now it's like the depression drink yeah it's like I want to take a walk. You want to beam yourself to a hangover. Right, right.

I'd like to walk to the hangover and have a nice scenic view and have some experiences. You just want the hangover. I know. You just want to escape. You want to escape. It should be called the escape, which is what you want to do on Long Island also. The great escape. The great escape. That's the name of a long island iced tea ours are we are our rise

so we got detour yeah fat cat yep oh the long goodbye i love the long goodbye but it sounds a little depressing a little dark yeah like i'm trying to put myself to sleep here give me a long goodbye on the rock sounds badass it does it. Yeah. We've had a couple other great options that people throw at us. Detour's badass. Detour just sounds cool. Give me a detour. And I like a one-word drink, too. Yeah.

But hey, who knows? Somebody could throw one at us tomorrow and we'd have a huge curveball. I'm thinking about what you're saying about like you want some more i'll do a tiny bit more yeah give me a kiss just a kiss ever see that one the long kiss good night i knew you were gonna say it do you like it yeah of course it's been a while but gina davis rocked yeah she had something going back then craig bierico phone Good pull. He, uh, there's a line I love and it's like very, uh, it's like Shane Black wrote it, so it's like

fun dialogue, but, uh, he takes a knife out to get her and she goes, aw, only four inches? Ah, that's great. That's a great line on a villain. Damn. What'd you wreck this week? Well, uh, I gotta say I don't know if I have one because this is fucking good by the way

it's so good look we almost killed that mini bottle damn yeah uh hold on let me i can come up with a wreck real quick uh huh shit hold on folks sal is here. I'm sure he knows 38 wrecks. I have not seen the taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3, which he says is one of his favorite movies. The original with Walter Manning. Yeah. If you like New York movies, it's great. I've got to watch that. I'm mad I haven't seen it.

Just the old subway stuff. It's killer. All right. What the hell am I wrecking here? I reckon. Oh, this is a bad, cheesy wreck,'m gonna do it hit me well you know uh we got a couple of hot dames at home i did this the other day and i was gonna sound corny but i walked by a bodega i just bought a bunch of flowers put it in the living room table and i in a vase or vase game changer lights lights up the

room she went nuts nobody asked nobody you know asked for it or anything and i just did it and got her flowers i just got her flowers she posted about it it's a it's a day changer and you know it's 18 bucks or whatever the fuck totally worth it that's that's a good call it's funny that you say uh because so many guys were always like i got a flower because i did something bad i've never gotten a girl flowers because i fucked up i've only gotten them as like like let's because that would feel like a cop out if you fuck up right right if you're just doing it that's a nice but if you but if it's a fuck up it's kind of like oh you thought this was gonna make up for that girls are all about the, you thought about me.

You were thinking about me. I was on your mind, you know, which is funny because that's what serial killers and stalkers do. But yeah. It's got to be on your mind to some degree. If there's newspaper clippings and pictures on the wall, that's an issue. Right, right. Yeah. So goes a long way.

Don't let her ask for it. Do it before. it's kind of like the the wake up bj you ever had the girlfriend you're like whoa you're blowing me this is crazy that's flowers for us that's uh it's our flowers yeah ours don't uh our gifts doesn't cost any money ladies yeah that's one of us uh shallow here yeah we just like you for your mouth yeah we don't need a materialistic you can't do a wake up uh cunnilingus can you nah they're not into that they're not you gotta move a leg up but they also have a harder life than us in terms of like killers and stuff like being worried about like oh yeah it happened so it's like you can't wake someone up with sex and it's a woman girls have to

let the vagina here you go go nuts you know but if you're they they get a little shifty it's almost like a like an animal we're like whoa hey what are you doing down there you know they're not just like oh look at this they're kind of skittish right vagina which i get things could crawl in there you never know who's groping or whatever so i think they're a little, whoa, where'd that come from? Yeah. Whereas we're like, oh, this is all I think about every day, every second. So thank you.

Good point. Yeah. I think you're right. Yeah. I mean, you could wake up with breakfast in bed. You got to remember, I don't think getting eaten out is on the top of their list as much as it is with us. Breakfast in bed is overrated too, though.

Oh, it stinks. You're just like, oh, I'm in bed is overrated too though oh it stinks you're just like oh i'm in bed now i want it i'm not starting my day right i'm laying down still i want to i got coffee in bed is nice yes yes i'll bring i'll bring matcha or coffee or something in bed but i'm not gonna like no no eggs in bed now you're just sitting up you're stuck there what am i fdr am i steven hawking like let's go to the table and hang out now i'm stuck you get an egg on the church in his final years i'm just fucking laying there jesus yeah right i got the covers on yeah i'm pale but yeah you get an egg you drop an egg on the comforter that's ruined it's no fun it's over

yeah i'm big about keeping the sheets soft, too. Let's keep them soft. Yeah. Ooh, Salamanca. Keep the sheets soft. Keep the room not smelling like sausage. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, all right.

That's my wreck, and I just pulled that out of my ass, and I'm happy with it. What do you got? I got... All right. So, I was lucky enough to see Sunset Boulevard again. Wow. On a big screen. Wow. Really? Yeah. yeah so that was great and uh one of the

best movies of all time if you haven't seen it i think there was a thing about like trump uh when parasite won he was just trying to rile up his base so he was like what happened a good movie just he's just trying to even though parasite was great i thought it was great i loved it but he should not he's like what happened to like? He's trying to be like American movies. Yeah. Like Gone with the Wind. Or I think he's at Sunset Boulevard. I'm like, all right, Trump.

Maybe we'll see Trump's Rotten Tomatoes Fave 5. I'll look at it. Yeah. Yeah. But. Type of reference too. Sunset. Whatever happened.

By the way, what happened? New movies came out. What do you think happened? It's fucking 70 years old. What do you mean? What happened? I know. They're still available.

Right. We got to go with the Criterion Collection. Well, maybe Gone with the Wind might not be actually. Oh, that is not available. It's off HBO Max. Sunset Boulevard is one of the greatest. It's so relevant. It's incredible. To me, it's like an aging star and a guy who kind of gives in.

Noir is the best because it's always someone going down a dark hole. Sure. And you know it ain't going to work out. Is Sunset Boulevard the same as, what was that Lady Gaga movie? Star is Born? Yeah. Oh, that's an old movie, isn't it? That they've made like four times.

Yeah, but this is different. You've never seen Sunset Boulevard? I've never seen it. Oh, my God, Mark. Really? Yeah, it's one of the best. Matt. One of the favorite movies of all time.

Come on. Salamanca. You and Trump. Yeah. No, it's one of the best. Matt. One of my favorite movies of all time. Come on. Salamanca. You and Trump. Yeah. No, it's incredible. It's famous because it opens with the death of the main character. So he's floating in a pool and he's the narrator. Oh, wow.

I don't think any film had done that up until that point. And it's got so many great lines. One of my favorite lines in a movie ever goes, it's amazing how gentle people are once you're finally dead. Whoa. Great, great, great noir. Is it Billy Wilder? Yes.

The great, the genius Billy Wilder. Yeah. Okay. All right. I'm going to watch it. Oh, dude. I can't believe I haven't seen it. I'm embarrassed.

It's incredible. There's so many great. It's so relevant to now. It's a struggling writer who can't get something made. Yeah. And he basically, he's hiding from these guys who are trying to repossess his car. He's begging everyone for money. He's like, I just need to pay off my car.

He even goes to his own agent. Yeah. He's like, please, I just need some money. And the agent basically, he's rich, he's on a golf course. He's like, look, it'll be good for you to have no car. You'll have nowhere to go and you'll have to write a play. Isn't that fucking crazy? Nothing really changes.

Nothing changes. And anyway, he ends up going in the wrong driveway and it turns out to be this famous has-been actress who was a big star in the silent film days, but she faded away. And it's got real stars in it. She plays cards with all these former silent film stars. So there's a scene where she's playing cards with Buster Keaton. and uh cecil b demille has got to pardon it whoa because she's like i used to work with him and he's just like i i knew her when she was a kid and she was it's crazy wow it's kind of meta it's it is meta it's very meta it's one of the best films ever made i

highly recommend it to anyone if you haven't seen it big wreck big wreck i've seen it probably five or six times, but not in a couple years. And I was like, it's one of those I always have to rewatch. All right. Wow. I'm sold. It's one of the greatest American movies, I think. Am I overdoing it, Salacuse? Yeah.

What did you call the movie, by the way? Sunset Boulevard? Okay. I thought you said Hollywood Boulevard. Oh, jeez. Hollywood Boulevard. You're not even listening. Get the hell out of here.

Have you seen Dave? People keep recommending Dave to me. You're not even listening. Get the hell out of here. Have you seen Dave? People keep recommending Dave to me. No, on Hulu. Yeah. No, I haven't seen it. Our pal Santino's in it. Right. I've had multiple friends recommend Dave.

And I was like, I didn't want to watch it because I'm so sick of that trope. Like the nerdy white guys around cool black guys. And he's trying to speak slang. And I hate that trope. But they're like, no like no no it's not that it's it's almost like if larry david was was trying to be in that world like young and hip and did you watch it no i didn't watch it but i i think you mentioned this a couple weeks ago oh did i yeah yeah shit okay but uh no watch it let me know because i might watch it too all right

all right that's it that's a good one though yeah yeah because not a ton of great comedies out there so people love this one so maybe i'll give it a whirl and i'll give you a fucking one more just do a little lash with me because i i'm doing a toast all right hit me baby boy we went through this i think we picked uh we made the right choice here. This is our possible... I got to smell the bottle. Oh, you can smell my fingers. You can smell mine too, buddy. Get over here.

Yeah. This is our bottle. I'm sorry, Salakistan. Get there. Here. There we go. All right. What's this toast?

My toast is going to be... Let's see. Wait, I can't have a toast. I'm off bread. All right. I'll kill myself. good reminder for my therapist just about comedy this is a toast the only thing that uh that can sustain this is our love for it so never lose the love for it wow because there's so much bullshit in this in this business and there's so much bullshit in this game he kept he said to me the only thing that

can sustain this and that goes for more than just your career by the way that goes for your life because you're gonna you're gonna get more i mean look you're gonna get you're gonna get you're gonna have a better time going about life if you're just trying to put out love in the world you know i completely agree and now you know the the bourbon is hitting me yeah sam's getting sappy i'm like why can't we be nicer man yeah no but i completely agree my toes are all over the place last week was to hitler's good ideas which was you know a joke yes we're all joking, folks. Here, here. No, I'm with you. Positivity goes a long way unless it's COVID. But yeah, stay positive. Don't get bitter.

And put out love is what I'm saying, too. Because we need to feel the love of comedy. That's what's kept us in it. Like the bitterness is so easy. You can seep in so easily. Dude, I had this conversation. I was with three comics this week or two comics we're all talking bits writing laughing we would try the bits then we'd rework them and tweak them

and it was so fun and we all came together and uh that's what it's all about we sit here and go numbers and why is he famous and you know networks and this and that we can still do that but just at the end of it just you got to be like i'm lucky i like my life i like that i get to tell jokes yes we're lucky and that's the thing about therapy is you get that shit out there and then you go back to the world and and be positive and happy so get the negative out with this guy that's what you're paying for yeah and let's be honest a lot of people could get more negativity out other places sometimes you'll hang out with people and you're like this guy just got a good that's some negativity i'm getting out marco marco go on a poignant rant and then just go yeah that's my favorite part of this

yeah you gotta mix it up you know uh yeah so you just gotta surround yourselves with so many good comics last night like i was at the cellar i was hanging out i saw greer barnes for the first time in like 16 months i missed greer barnes you know give me a big hug greer i said i'm sad i ain't get to celebrate the knicks this year with you you know william stevenson who used to host the cellar all the time yeah passed away and greer and william had a long-standing. Every year, 50 bucks, the Knicks are going to make the playoffs. And Greer lost 50 bucks every fucking year. Whoa. And I said, William had to die the one fucking year we brought it.

Yes. And he came in and gave me a hug. Nice little hang. Saw Roy Wood Jr. last night. He was one of my favorites. So many great new bits. I said, our buddy Mehran. You're like, all these like comics that are fun to see at the cellar.

Jay Jordan just started working there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got good shit, dude. Great writer. He's really funny. Good writer, funny. He had a great set. Yeah, he's punchy, punchy, quick.

That's my favorite kind of comedy. Yeah, Mehran's a glowing beacon of light. It's all good stuff. We do good. We're in a good business, so let's all try to stay up, as they say. Because we're all mentally ill, too. You've all try to stay up, as they say. Because, you know, we're all mentally ill, too. You've got to remember that.

Deranged. Yes. We're pieces of garbage with low self-esteem and weird pasts and childhoods. So, yeah, let's keep it real and positive. And you know what's that? You wouldn't put your bad breath on someone, so why put your bad mood on someone? Yeah. A lot of people put bad breath on you.

Yeah. But it's horrible. I know. What if someone with bad breath and a bad mood is on you? That's the worst. You ever meet a depressing person with bad breath? That's a death penalty. We got to get rid of that person.

Put them in the chamber. But I had a lady today or two days ago. She's like, can you sign my book? And I was like, yeah, sure. And as I'm talking to her or as I'm signing, she's talking to me and spitting on the book. I can see the droplets hitting the book. And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, lady? Like, you know, cool it.

She was hammered or whatever. But, you know, it's hitting the book. Then you look down and you realize it was a credit card statement. You're like, this is fucking horrible. Yeah. No, dude, people spitting on you. I hate the spitting. The booze in your face, you're like, fucking kill me.

I know. I was jealous of my friend. He had glasses. I was like, at least you got a little bit of a blocker. But I was just getting pelted with these spit droplets. Ugh. Yeah. Unacceptable.

Do you Purell? A little. I'm a little over it, to be honest. I'm a little over it, too. I wash the hands a lot, though. I get sick so much less, you know, these days because I've been washing my hands so much. So I'm like, why not? I also realize, like, you're getting sick.

If you just shake, I'll shake so many hands after a show that I got to wash. Like, you know, it's just like that's how you get sick. Just contact with people, right? So. Just like that's how you get sick, just contact with people, right? I'm a fist bump guy, but I played in – literally played in dirt all day long as a kid. And I think it helped me later in life. Yeah?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Just I've got a pretty good immune. I don't really get sick. You don't get sick ever. No, I don't get sick. I'm sick constantly. I know.

But you grew up in the city, the filthiest place on the planet. Yeah, what the hell? Why am I such a pussy? I don't know. Maybe it's the genes or the- It's the genes. It's bad back. Yeah. Yes, yes.

I'm stressed all the time. It always goes to my spine. But you got a good frame. Thanks. Six three, handsome, full head of hair. You're handsome, buddy. You know, hairy chest. Now I know this guy's drunk.

Yeah, I know. I'm trying to fuck you. That would be a great ending to this. We just have credits going on. We're just butt fucking each other. People are like, have you seen the end? That's the name of the new Rye. That's our clip on YouTube.

On Instagram, whatever. Yeah, it doesn't even need captions. Mark and Sam fuck. The captions grunting, sniffing. Yeah. Woounting sniffing yeah yeah i don't know i just uh can't i can't can't get sick i get sick constantly but i've been better about it and uh yeah man i'll tell you i i just i think the hand washing makes a big difference yeah the pure health feels like someplace. I think I'm sure it helps a little, but it's like what you're saying when you're doing all the time.

Like maybe it maybe having doing this shit does strengthen your immune system. I think it does. I really think it does. Yeah. Over time, especially. So especially when you're a kid, you get it out. You get you get absorbed to that shit or you absorb that shit early, and your body just gets immune. It's almost like playing the guitar. Your fingers get stronger and more calloused.

Interesting. Yeah. That might be it. I think so. I think so. Damn. But you're too far gone. I'm gone.

Yeah, you're already ruined. Yeah, it's tough. What are you going to do? Yeah, but hey, you got to live, damn it. I mean, also, we're killing ourselves with this, but. This is good. We found our fucking baby right here. We got it.

Thanks, Christopher. That is smooth. This is like a nice buzz. I'm feeling great. I got to cool it. But yeah, feeling good. Well, the prototype I gave him, I said, I want this to be like Buffalo Trace because that's affordable, but it's a really good bourbon.

Perfect comparison. I want people to be able to buy this so it's not too expensive, but it's killer. Yeah. Good call. I can't believe he gave us another swill. What were you thinking? We're going to get drunk on these too, I guess. Yeah, good point.

Each episode is going to be worse and worse. We'll end with Canadian whiskey in six weeks. Yeah. Stunk. Why was Canadian whiskey popular in the 60s? What the hell were they thinking? I don't know. be worse and worse we'll end with canadian whiskey in six weeks yeah it stunk why was canadian whiskey popular in the in the 60s what the hell were they thinking i don't know canadian clubs all right it's all right i've had some bloody shits on that stuff really oh my god we get the plastic handle that you bought at the grocery store i used to drink it a lot yeah i did too taka taka's rough

fire water that's a vodka right yeah that shit was horrible always in plastic plastic bottle is like cereal in a bag it could be the same shit but it just feels sadder yeah a plastic bottle's rough i know you don't want to be able to squeeze a bottle of liquor you know it's already poison you don't be able to hear your fucking disease. Yeah, exactly. It's like a dog toy. Yeah, it gets me running towards you. So many nights. Isn't it great?

Like, our friend Will Silvins has never drank. Yeah, but maybe he'll drink for an episode. I doubt it. That would be dark, though. I think he's Muslim or something. He's vegan. He doesn't eat sugar. And he exercises a ton you're like man

what does your insides look like they must be pink and clean yeah so many years of this now you're turning me on i love a pink inside yeah will is so healthy he's like yeah he i've been on the road with him we're drinking tonight phil Hanley and I are downing Negronis. He's drinking a green tea at dinner. There you go. And that's over a year. Plus, I mean, the guy's 54? No.

51? 50, I think. Okay, 50. But he looks amazing. Yeah. No, I was shocked he was 50. I know, I know. Especially when you see his accomplishments.

All right. Joking Will. He doesn't know how to use a podcast i do one with him now yeah but uh we gotta wrap this thing up you got a bit uh yeah i got a couple ideas i got a few ideas i don't know what to work on here uh yeah same i'm all over the place i'm all over the place dude i could try i mean we probably could try a couple quick shit we haven't done ads oh jeez good call you can tell we're drunk ah this is hitting hard should we start out with uh the first one we might be drunk is brought to you by honey yes love honey dude love the honey we shop online you know

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And get that honey, baby. All right. Should we do a bit? Well, we got one more ad, too. Should we do that now? Let's knock it out. We're already in the zone sheath underwear folks i love sheath big fan i'm wearing it right now they're stained i know i'm not but i i wear them a lot oh they look great they feel great your dick is in a separate pouch on your balls finally some space i love the pouch you don't get that weird

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I really do like it. It's good stuff. Love sheath and my gal likes it too. Yeah, they look like you take your underwear off and you're like, this is the type of shit like a Wall Street guy would wear. Yes. Yeah. You feel like kind of a man in chief.

Yeah. Like a James Bond or something. Yeah. Hit me with a bit. Okay. I got a couple. I don't know which way to go. I got.

Something you really, it's not ready. Something really half baked. All right. I have one about, here's an idea I had. Because mine is really raw. Yeah. I got, I had a thing about like how as a white man, I obviously have an easier life. But it is funny when liberals like will talk about other groups as opposed to white people.

Like when they'll say shit like, you know, with trans people. She was born in the wrong body. Okay. There's nothing she you know with trans people she was born in the wrong body okay there's nothing she can do about you know body but then uh but then the same people pen articles like attention white men all of you are shit right right and it's like well what about i was born this way i know and you can't change race we've seen few people try that and it didn't fly so like not only am i stuck in this body i'm stuck she can at least change yeah the only flaw with this bit right now is that like being trans is obviously way harder that's the one thing where i'm like it's not linear i think that's maybe the issue with it i i hear you but at least they have an option they have an out

like they it's hard and there's bigotry and whatever. But, like, they can get out of it. Like, I don't feel like a man. I'm not a man inside. I'm going to be a woman. And there's going to be some obstacles. You can't help how you're born only applies to people with harder lives. Ah.

That's maybe the, like, you can't, you were born. I was born an oppressor. I was born an oppressor. Yeah, yeah. And you can't change that. that i was born an oppressor i was born an oppressor yeah yeah and you can't change that you're just stuck you could change it to a white woman but a lot of people hate them too but you're stuck with that that fucking cracker honky skin yeah you can you're a jew too so you could change you can convert religion even. But you're stuck with that. No pigment. This might be nothing.

I don't know. I like it. Let me try a different one. It's very hypocritical. Let me try. It is, but it's not. It's just I'm not making a good enough point yet. Here's the other angle I had. It's part of a bigger chunk.

I have a joke about like, this is a joke that hits. People always, they ask when you're a mistake. I tell people I was a mistake i tell people you know i was a mistake and they go you know broken condom or unplanned and i'm like gee i never broached the topic with my mother because i love her like i can't imagine pouring my mom aside like hey uh broken condom or raw dog what happened mom i know you're crying but my friend gary really wanted to know that's why i ruined our relationship so that that hits and i want to add to it,

a part where I almost defend my biological father for leaving because, hey, it wasn't a good deal for him. He didn't want to have a kid. Not only did he have a kid, he's got one who's always on tour shitting on him in joke form. Ah, that's funny. That's so the opposite of what he wanted.

Right, right. He wanted nothing. He's got a living thing that resents him in witty ways. Publicly. Publicly. Broadcasting it into microphones. Witty is not right. You're basically doing a campaign for how shitty this guy was.

You're going all over the road. I'm going to Syracuse to talk about this deadbeat. Yeah. And he's like, fuck. The whole point was to not. For you to not be here yes i really got not what i wanted yeah no one is pro-abortion more than your dad he's like i should have done that what the hell was i thinking if they made a time travel movie it's like it's like

terminator but he just goes back to to kill me right right you're gonna kill hitler's baby no no mine he goes back in time he. He just tries my mom again. He's like, let me pitch it to you one more time. This kid's going to be really shitty. I'm from the future. Also, he's got a good reason. Like, this is why I left. This is a nightmare.

No wonder I didn't want to be a dad. To be a dad sucks. I'm not even there and I'm getting trashed. That's fucking funny. That's great. There's a lot there. All right, what do you got? I still think the trans thing is good, too right you got uh i love you because you believe

in like i believe in that when you have comic friends you need the ones that aren't the ones like i love joe mackie but it's like to death i run a bit by him and he's just like oh that was terrible and i'm like i need someone who sees the upside and the potential i see the potential for sure what what do you got and i think almost any bit can be fixed, but obviously some are way far off than others. But yeah. All right. So my gal has been farting publicly

and getting a little too brazen about it, which I'm like, look, I get it. You're a human being with bodily function. You have to fart, but give me a little shame. You farted like three times this episode. You have to fart. But give me a little shame. You know, like. You farted like three times this episode. Well, hey, look, it's different. I mean, for genders, you know, like I hate to say it, but it is.

And my point is, men, if I cried openly every day. I thought my trans bit was offensive. Hold on. You know I'm right. You know I'm right. I mean, there's a reason women are like, let me close the door. Let me, you know i'm right you know i'm right i mean there's a reason women are like let me close the door let me uh you know do whatever like they're nervous about looking a certain way women don't really curse as much they don't talk about fucking as much no i'm listening all right

so look if we really want equality let's go for it but look if you're if a boyfriend starts crying every day that's weird yeah like i okay his mom died or whatever cry i get it but like if you're just openly weeping it's the same thing as the farting it's the girl's version wow that's good aha okay if the guy cries every day you're like this guy sucks i get it if he needs to cry every now and then but every day at home at home openly at home come here let me give you a hug right but out in public fuck i gotta deal with this now i guess yeah maybe it's the same for farts and it's completely the same with farts and and when i do cry there's a little shame up so i gotta look away you know and that's how the farting should be. Like, oh, shit, that was slipped. I had some, you know, Popeyes or whatever.

I got a line for you. Either way, just hold it in. Yes, yes. And then one of my punches is, yeah, like, either way, you obviously have something bigger brewing inside you. Oh, yeah. You know, like, she's got a shit or I've got a, you know, family thing or whatever it is. But it needs more but i think i think this the comparison is something the farting and crying the way you gotta clear the

air oh that's good clear the air salamanca oh harry's out but yeah i think the the comparison it it matches i just gotta find the punchlines. Crying for a man is farting for a woman. You know, this is why women are like, they don't just shit with the door open. I'm like, I'm a woman. I'm not gonna do that. That's why we're both fucked up for different reasons. What do you mean? Well, men are fucked up because we hold

too much shit in. Yes. Right? And then we snap and kill people. Women are fucked up in a different way. They hide a ton. Men are mad shooters because they hold in all their right and then we snap and and kill people women are fucked up in a different way like men are mass shooters because they hold in all their pain and then one day they just fucking snap right whereas women are just kind of mean right right or that's what i mean cry at work or something right but like i'm talking about like yeah women can cry and men help women fart people go away yeah and cry people go away right away you're left to your

own devices with that you know that's very interesting yeah because we've all seen a lady and you're like what's up with her like uh lady stuff she's going through something and you're like i'm going through a ton but i held it but it's just we're different you know i like you comforting her like come here oh hold on come here baby it's all right yeah yeah and uh one of the lines is uh hey boyfriend farts that's a dry panty girlfriend farts that's a wet panty all right somebody gave me that line that's not mine but yeah i thought that was fun but all right i i like the what did you just say you had something that i like just now literally i've had like five five of these drinks what – what did you just say? You had something that I like just now, literally. I've had like five of these drinks.

What do you – Oh, you just said it. Damn it. What did he say? You're sober. He said something about men become mass shooters. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right, right, right. Women just become kind of mean. Yeah, I think there's something about that where like you just – that's just irritating to constantly be holding in gas. Yes. The holding in crying is so much worse. Oh, it's deadly. That makes you a shittier person.

Right, right, right. Yeah, exactly. I like how men bottle it and become mass shooters. Women bottle it and just kill you slowly. Aha, they eat away at you. You have one person. Yes, yes. Men and women, they both need a safe space for different reasons.

You know? Like, you fart and you're like, it's fine. Right, yes. Men and women, they both need a safe space for different reasons. Like you fart and you're like, it's fine. Right, right. Maybe a female therapist who just lets you fart. Yeah. Oh, that's funny. I don't want to step on too much of your women kill how they love. Oh, yeah. That was a classic.

That's one of my best bits. It's a signature. That was a game changer bit. But all right, all right, all right. That's good stuff. We got to go. I think we've gone an hour and 40. Oh, yeah.

I'm all over the road in weird cities. Toledo, Dayton, Syracuse, Houston, Texas. What else we got here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Philadelphia, Helium, Buffalo, Appleton, Arlington Improv, Brea in California, Albany, West Palm Beach, Comedy Connection, Madison, Wisconsin. So we got some fun stuff coming up and some weird ones. But come out either way. Say hello.

Drink one for me. What do you got there, Sam? Oh. Raleigh, Cincinnati. It's like 40 minutes outside Cincinnati. It's that funny bone. Liberty, yeah. I got Madison, OKC.

Shit. Nashville. Can't wait for Nashville. Very excited. Governor's in Levittown. I got Comedy off broadway in lexington kentucky i got uh kansas city missouri portland oregon baby helium can't wait uh comedy castle in royal oak michigan way more philly boston go to samuel.com slash shows we're fucking touring it up i'm'm pumped about this. This ride, dude. Very pumped.

I love how good it is. It tastes great. Like it feels good to sell something that we would actually drink. That is smooth. So smooth. So flavorful. It's got a bite, but not too much. It's just taste scrumptious.

Fucking Vince Vaughn and Swinger smooth. Yeah, that's money, baby. Let's do it. All right. Well, keep listening. Sign up for the Patreon. See us on the road. Yeah. Follow the We Might Be Drunk on Instagram.

Yes. Leave us reviews, too. We never ask people to do that, but you should do that on Apple if you can. Yeah, leave a review, five-star comment, post, say hello, share, and watch our specials on YouTube. Fuck it. And yeah, tell a friend, queef it up, and thank you. Keep drinking.