We Might Be Drunk - Ep 29: The Return of Orange Wine

Episode Date: June 28, 2021

Sam and Mark compromise and crack a bottle of Orange Wine on today's episode. Things get nutty towards the end as the wine starts to hit. Head over the the Patreon to hear the bonus from this one. https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod This episode is brought to you by Sheath Underwear, use promo code DRUNK for 20% off your first order, SheathUnderwear.com 0:00 Intro 0:20 Episode Start 1:35 Cheers - Orange Wine 2:52 Sex Story 6:29 Toobin 10:28 Mark Burp 1 13:54 Sports (Suns in 4) 15:07 Heckler Story (Luis Gomez) 16:15 (not)Getting Paid from Comedy Clubs 18:53 Slimy Hot White Guys (Fyre Fest/WeWork) 19:27 Entourage Talk 23:24 Eastbound and Down 29:16 Inside Comedy 33:16 Mark Burp 2 34:49 Peeve (how do you feel that went and you're welcome) 37:56 Rye name announcement! 40:30 Toast (positive people) 44:51 Rec (Book The Black and the Blue https://tinyurl.com/BlackandtheBlue) 48:20 Rec (Tom Delgado YouTube Channel @tomdnyc ) 50:09 Toast (artificial plants) 52:19 Sheath Underwear Promo Code DRUNK for 20% off 52:31 Mark shows off his Sheath Underwear 54:25 Sam's Bit (Cop Joke) 59:41 Salacuse Mention 1:00:32 Mark's Bit (Female Shooter) 1:01:22 Mark Burp 2 1:07:55 Movie Talk (1917) 1:10:42 Pacino Talk 1:12:31 Philip Seymour Hoffman vs. James Gandolfini 1:16:21 Plug Tour Dates https://www.sammorril.com/shows http://marknormandcomedy.com/

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, have peeps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Hey folks, here we are, we might be drunk, looks like we've got a nice bag of hooch on the table. I don't know what it is. I'm excited. How you been, fatty? I'm good, man. My neck is still a little out, but I'm hanging in there. You wanted white wine. Yes.

I wanted red wine. Compromise. Uh-oh. Went in the middle. Little orange. Ooh! Look at that bad boy. That's a good-looking bottle there. Look at that. They say it's good at the store, so we'll see what we got.

Natty wine, baby. Wow. A little day drink. Hold on. It's got like a pop top, like a beer. Yeah, we'll see if it's good. Ooh, you hear that, folks? See what we're doing here.

This is funky. Oh, wow. Shall we? Please, Do the honor Yeah it's It's the day as usual We've been doing a lot of day apps but Oh yeah

Bring it on That cup's bigger so Factor that in Alright There you go Is that even? That's probably about right Oh

Oh god You know it's I don't know if i'm becoming a raging alcoholic or what but i was like am i looking forward to the pod to see you or i'm like i want to drink it's like a beautiful day out that's 75 degrees hey that smells pretty good it's got a kick sally's here oh Oh, that is like weird. Two seconds in. That's like grapefruity. Oh, he's pissed.

Oh, man, that's good. That's good stuff. Damn. This is going to sound bad, but I like it. I like it a lot. It tastes kind of like when you drink orange juice and then brush your teeth. Or when you brush your teeth and then drink orange juice. It has that kick.

There's a sommelier punching a wall somewhere. Yeah, no, but it's great. It's really good. No, it is good, man. No, I know what you mean. It's kind of got that kind of bitterness. Yes, yes, but I'm into it. We're learning new words.

We were talking to our Christopher, our rye guy, and he said do not use the word smooth. It's hack. So aromatic, floral. guy yeah and he said do not use the word smooth it's hack so uh aromatic floral yes oaky fruity fruity effervescent can we say fruity i don't think so fruity's out that's fucking good this podcast is just gonna devolve like two weeks from now we're just fucking we're just hammered one of us is on the floor i'm like this is a good episode yeah yeah oh yeah well this is great uh so much to talk had a good afternoon sex romp did you oh my god i'm in high spirits the sun

is shining i'm drinking we're here we're queer it's great We don't want any more beer? No Who needs it When we got this stuff But me and the lady Went out to lunch The hard part About having a gal

A girlfriend for a while Is like initiating Because you feel so stupid Like alright You want to go in there Because the art of seduction When you're single Is like such a process

The drinking The food The walk The hand holding Oh she touched my knee I'm in you know it's such a whole thing but with a girlfriend you're like hey you want to go in there and knock this out real quick then you just kind of you just kiss him you start kind of going for it right i guess but i'm not big into kissing come on and uh i just pick her up and throw her in there like a caveman yeah because i'm just like i don't want to do the whole rigmarole.

And I think she's kind of into it. But one of those romps, usually you jizz in two seconds, or she never gets off, or she gets off, and you don't. But it was one of those perfect ones where we both got off. You said you jizz in two seconds. I'm like, how do you know my sex life? Well, I think that's most dudes. It's hard, yeah. I mean, if you're doing the condom, it's one thing. If you don't do the condom, you're kind of like, all right, this ain't going to last. I know, I think that's most dudes. It's hard, yeah. I mean, if you're doing the condom, it's one thing.

If you don't do the condom, you're kind of like, all right, this ain't going to last. I know, I know. The relationship. Yeah, no, it's tough, man. It's tough for everyone to get what they want. Yes. This is going to sound really fucked up. Please.

But I feel like now, like when we were kids, I feel like women didn't always expect to come. I think you're right. And now I think, and it's like, good for them. You should be coming. I'm with you. But I'm just saying, you know, I'm like, oh shit, sex has changed. Sometimes like I'll be fucking the whole time and I'm just like, well, I'm not into this. Yeah.

But she is. So I'm just, you know, like the position, I mean, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Completely. Completely. So you go with it for her. Yeah.

Because it helps her. I dated a gal once. She had to get on top and, like, I guess my dick was too small for her because she would have to, like, wiggle to find it. She gets a running start. She shoots out of a cannon. Right, right. So I had to just wait there while she's, like, you know,

doing all these movements. And I was like, all right. She looked like an idiot, but she did what she had to do to get off, I guess. And yeah, I'm all for it. I feel like as comics, if you don't get her off, you're bombing. Yeah, no, you gotta get them off. Yeah, yeah.

So we got the vibrator next to the bed just in case. Oh yeah, because I don't want to leave her hanging. What's your bit about that again? Oh, about how she'll use it in front of me and she's moaning and I'm just sitting there, and I'm like, I feel obsolete. I feel like the employee at CVS, and she's using the self-checkout. Oh, that's strong.

Thank you. Thank you. That's a good bit, man. Thanks. Yeah, I did it last night. But yeah, but great romp. I had the legs up. She's on her back going for it.

And then she got off, and then I was like, thank God, and I got off right after. She's on her back going for it. And then she got off. And then I was like, thank God. And I got off right after. It is funny. That sucks a lot when you get older. It's just like, thank God she came. Yes. Yes, exactly.

Because now I can. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. You're right. It's very, I don't want to say mechanical, but you're efficient. Yeah. You're almost like a point guard. You're just trying to get her open.

You're just trying to get her like, all right, thank God I got her the ball. Yeah, exactly. My work here is done. Yeah. Yeah, so everybody scored. No traveling. Double dribble. Offer chin.

All right, there we go. She had a good time. And then she can just get back to work. She works from home. Oh, man. She finished that Zoom call. That feels like a power move that you left on. You see Toobin's back on CNN.

I saw that. And that gal brought it up immediately. Oh, I know. Well, you have to. Yeah, but she's like, so I just want to make sure. And he's like, yes, that's correct. She's like, okay, I had to get that out. It was less like the elephant in the room and more like, you've been a very bad boy. Yes, exactly.

Like, we all know what this is. What are you, crazy? You got Monica Lewinsky on. You're not like, let me check the dress. Okay, you're good. I knew it was going to sound weird, but I kind of feel bad for the guy. I totally feel bad for the guy. What are you kidding?

I mean, it wasn't like he did it as like a power move. He did it as like, fuck, I'm an old man who doesn't know technology. And was he rubbing it out or was he in the underwear? What was it? I think he was jerking off. Okay. So he didn't know it was on? Oh, yeah.

No. Or he thought it was. I mean, I would hope he just thought the call was over and not that he thought. I mean, maybe this guy's got a really busy schedule and he's got to rub one out while they're like, he's like, you know, it's dark. Right. Right. He's between calls.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know. I don't think he did anything devious. And yeah. And we got to start or we got to stop getting mad at people for doing shit. We all do.

We all do that. We all jerk off in front of our computer or men do anyway. It's like, I know he fucked up, but he didn't mean to do that. You know, it's like when a guy slips and says a bad word, you know,

it's like, it's like the chink in the arm. And it was like it was like you're going to jail yeah but that guy who got fired for that on cnn like that or espn who did the chink in the thing about jeremy lynn like that that's a that's a phrase it's a complete and espn published it i know and he's like you only you're only mad once you guys all got in trouble you You know what's interesting is... Good point. Toobin, if anything, it's the pandemic's fault because that chair became his work chair. Ah, good point. That's the chair he used to...

The chair is the evil thing, not him. Right, because your body associates that chair with jerking it and working it. Yes. So you have to... It's going to get... The lines are going to get crossed every now and then. Yeah, it was weird to see him on there, but also, man, I got to admit, I'm a fan of the guy's writing. get, the lines are going to get crossed every now and then, you know? Yeah, it was weird to see him on there.

But also, like, man, I got to admit, I'm a fan of the guy's writing. Oh, really? I mean, the Patty Hearst book's phenomenal. He wrote the OJ book. What? Yeah, he's written some of the best books, I think. I love Tubin, man. Yeah.

I mean. I didn't even know that. He got fired from the New Yorker. CNN kept him. Good for them. Good for them. It would have been great, though, if he just started jerking off on air and they're like, yeah, we got to fire him. But, I mean, the New Yorker, what's a more New York thing than jerking off in public?

Let's be honest. The New Yorker should have kept him. If he started catcalling on the Zoom call, they should have promoted him. I'll tell you that much. Yeah, exactly. Oh, man. Well, good for Tooby. I'm glad he's still kicking uh and that's just your

legacy now that sucks it's humiliating the guy it was humiliating he's got to go to every family reunion every pta meeting uh every you know church thing uh eight day tubes yeah we all know every time he turns around yeah exactly that's that's who you are now. It's like, you know. So, yeah, whatever. I mean. But, I mean, I can't wait to meet the guy because I'm going to be like, hey, quit jerking me around. You know, you got to throw it. You're going to shake his hand? Yeah.

Well, look, I'm shaking your hand. I know you're jerked off. You know. It's like that old joke I used to have about a guy who goes, the homophobic guy's like, I'm not shaking a gay man's hand. You know how many dicks he's touched? Like, you don't think a woman has blown a guy or had a dick in her vagina so that's all out oh that's a good point yeah i we i think we had a lot of we had more gay jokes when we started out because i felt like that there was more intolerance so it was more of an interesting topic so true yeah kind

of shifted now to trans people yeah and i've got a i got ton of trans stuff now. I used to have a gay bit. A guy said gay sex isn't natural because it's not sex for the purpose of reproduction. I was like, no sex I've ever had was for the purpose of reproduction. Great bit. Yeah. You fucked the couch?

Yeah, he goes, yeah, this is against nature. And I say, I fuck couch cushions. So I'm in no position to judge anyone what they're doing. Yeah, man, we both used to have a lot of gay jokes. Had a lot of gay, yeah. We were attacking the bigotry in a way but uh that was a long one but we kept it funny you gotta keep well you can't those comics that go up there and just pander you're just like enough new york is getting rough for these shows i gotta tell you like i don't know you felt like

i mean salicus is here with us now and he he And he watched me eat a fat one in one show. But then it's funny. We always shat on the tourists. Like, these tourists are ruining the shows. You need a mix of the tourists and the New Yorkers. I agree. Because when it's all New Yorkers at these cellar shows, they're not great. No, they're ooh and an ah.

And it's about perception. I can't be seen laughing at that joke. Yeah, I can't be seen. Like, they're a fucking politician and they just got busted. I can't be seen laughing at that joke. Yeah, I can't be seen like they're a fucking politician and they just got busted. I know. Tapping toes in the men's room under the urinal. I think that's what the internet has done, though. It's like, oh, that's my, it goes back to my point.

And look, we don't want to dive into this shit. But it goes back to my point of, oh, shit, I forgot my point. Hold on. Damn it. The natural wine. It's good wine, man. what was my point earlier about the uh oh we're getting mad and and judging people on shit we do we all have fucked up thoughts we all have twisted weird that's what comedy is great for is calling that shit out and you go i i do

that it's relatable if anything it should be a moment where we connect with people it should be like it's a vulnerable moment like exactly like Like that is... Instead of not me, that's you, man. That's all you. Like, oh yeah, I'm the only person who's fucked up here. Come on.

Yeah, my brother will say this and I was like, we don't need to be more accepting, but we do need to be more forgiving. Yes. You know? Here, here. And that goes for like everything.

Everything. My girl always says, I'd rather a honest pig than a dis... Like those weird male feminist guys. You're like, what are you hiding? Yeah. You know, like, give me a regular out-of-the-gate, you know, like, sexist jerk-off guy. She'd rather that guy than the weirdo hiding something.

Well, at least he's not, at least you know who that person is. That's what I'm saying. Like, honesty is better than like a sneaky creep yes yes because we know those dudes who are like those loud and proud like feminist type guys but then then we're like we hear rumors about them on the road yes okay exactly so you're over compensating it's like the politician that we all see who's like gays yeah you they're demons they're demons and then they find out they're like you know they're a regular some bar called the glory hole and like all right and he's like i'm patriotic

you see that picture of ted cruz hugging the flag oh yeah that was fun that was weird yeah it's getting weird over there it's getting weird where it's like just just be a person not everything has to be so performative. Yes. Yeah. Performative. That's what everybody's doing. They're performing. They're performing. It's all about perception.

Anyway, I'll be at Tampa this weekend. Yeah. No. Speaking of performing, yeah. Speaking of performing. We're performative. Yeah. But that's what you come see us for. We're not politicians, folks.

No, no, no. Thank God. Yeah. That's rough because your whole thing is like, you see these political ads and every ad is like, this person said this one time. Yeah. And you're like, that's the attack? I know, I know. It's crazy. I can't get behind anybody who's obsessed with politics.

The way you are with the Knicks, some people are like that with some politician. I'm like, they're all lying. I know some are maybe better than others, but you can't tell me they're all honest. Yeah, fanaticism is dangerous. Yes. I mean, whether you're a fan of a sport. Like, I'm a Knicks fan, but you saw that video that went viral of the Suns fan beating the shit out of you. Yeah.

That was fucking hilarious. That was great. It was funny because those Nuggets fans were like, we don't want to fight. We don't want to fight. And then they fucking cheap shot him. And it was a big dude. He looked like he'd been in a lot of fights. He's a Florida guy and he had a mullet.

A Phoenix guy. A Phoenix guy, sorry. Same shit though. Same shit. West Coast, Florida. That's great. Tweet that. But he did the hockey move where he grabbed the guy's jersey

and kept him down. He was just doing it. He got him like 10 times in the face. I think he broke his nose. The best part is right after the guy runs away, he goes, sons and four to the guy's face. Sons and four. So he's beating the shit out of him.

And then doing the sports talk that started to rub it in, the guy runs away. And then he does this. He poses. It was like a wrestling heel. I know. I know. And then the cops came and he didn't move. He's like, I'm watching the game. They hit me first. It was like a wrestling heel. I know. I know. And then the cops came and he didn't move.

He's like, I'm watching the game. They hit me first. That was great. And then Devin Booker from the Suns, when they won, wrote, get me that guy's address. So maybe he's sending him a star of the Suns. Maybe he's sending him a gift. That's amazing. I'm sure they all love that guy.

I would love him. I mean, if that guy was at our show beating up a heckler, I'd be like, give me that guy's address. I'm sending him a t-shirt. We have a friend of ours, Luis Gomez, once. I remember you were on stage at CBS. Do you remember this story? I do.

I do. You were getting heckled, and you dealt with it as best you could for a while. But at a certain point, the guy was just not. At a certain point, you can't tell a joke when the guy's heckling like that. And Luis walks up to the guy and goes, pussy. Yeah. And the guy's like, what? But he won't stop. And Luis goes, outside. Yep. And the guy's like, all right up to the guy and goes pussy yeah and the guy's like what yeah he won't stop and lewis goes outside yeah and the guy's like all right so the guy goes outside i'm watching

this like you know oh this is beautiful i followed them outside to watch what's happening yeah in front of the guy's girlfriend lewis goes pussy and the guy's like ah yeah and he backs down it was like yeah well that's what fucking it was justice in a way of course of course and i didn't know lewis at the time he was just like he's. Of course, of course. And I didn't know Lewis at the time. He was just like, he's a comic, I'm a comic, fuck this guy. And, you know, he wants to fight people. So that meant the world to me. We were instant friends after that.

I was like, I'm glad that guy's on our side. Oh, my God. The Puerto Rican rattlesnake. He's, that's a genuine guy. He keeps it real. Oh, yeah. I remember one time he used to book LOL Comedy Club back in the day, or maybe his girlfriend.

I think B booked it. Yes. Anyway, the guys running it were just kind of assholes. Oh, yeah. The guys running the club. And they got mad at me once because you can never find them to get your money. It was that shit where if you're like, hey, can I get paid? They'd be like, I'm in the middle of something.

Yes, yes, exactly. They'd be on phone call i'm i'm dealing with something so anyway um yeah uh-huh right you're just like oh gee come on so i remember i was like hey man i got another spot i just i know you're gonna forget to pay me if i if i don't get it tonight yeah and and the guy was like he can't work here anymore he always wants his money it was like the thing like he always is like rude about he wants his money i was like i wasn't rude i was like i just need the money now i know and uh and louis like no that's what comics do that's what real comics do they have other spots so like he just had my back in that way i was like that's a good guy we love you lou yeah yeah that's why you can see a great club they pay you when you walk in like the cellar you walk in you sign the thing

if they don't pay they find you they You never have to ask at the seller. It's so weaselly when places like, they try to avoid giving you your money. Your $20. Or whatever we're there for. It's funny. How often have we been paid like we're low-level drug, on-the-corner drug dealers? A lot of cash. Greasy, just smack it in. I had a guy who used to pay me like he'd like look around before paying me i'm like this is legal why are

you like looking around maybe it's not maybe it's off the books or something but yeah yeah i mean have you been shorted before yeah of course i've been short on the road many times and then they're like no you gotta read the email i'm like oh maybe i do and then i read the email and i'm like yeah it's 200 bucks less. Yeah, something. That doesn't happen anymore, really. But back in the day. Having a manager helps.

I was in AC last weekend and I had been there many years ago. And the guy just disappeared. And he owed other people way more money than me. Damn. I mean, he just disappeared. Wow. I did a fest. I'm not going to say which one. And our agent, we had the same agent at the time

she got my money first she's like he'll come and this fest looks amazing and the lineup was amazing but she's like i want the money now and they're like well we're gonna pay everybody after and she's like i want it now and nobody else got paid and i got paid yeah damn and i felt bad like why are you bothering these guys now that that's not how they do it. They just stiffed every other comic. They just ran out of money. They just couldn't afford it. They went too hard on the fest. Did you do the fire fest?

No, I wish. Ja Rule's booking, man. It's a fire lineup. It's going to be good. Man, that was a crazy duck. That was crazy. I really enjoyed it. Remember, they had two.

I didn't see the Hulu one. I heard that one was better. It was good. I watched them both. You watched them both? I did. I mean, it was a crazy duck. That was crazy. I really enjoyed it. Remember, they had two. I didn't see the Hulu one. I heard that one was better. It was good. I watched them both. You watched them both? I did. I mean, it was a pandemic. I watched Netflix, and I was like, this is all I need to know about this.

You got the gist. There's been a weird trend of slimy, hot, white guys. Was he hot, that guy? He's hot enough. Billy McFarlane, he's a handsome guy. Full head of hair, tall, big smile. Hot enough. He passes the test. What about the WeWork guy? Gorgeous,

tall, he's like 6'5", full head of hair. Sal, can you pull up the WeWork guy if you can? I'm not connected. Do you see my image up there? No. You gotta talk to Big Matt. We'll figure that out. Damn. But the WeWork guy, that's a great dog. I wanna see what he looks like. Oh my god. He looks like Vinny Chase from Entourage.

But taller. Vinny Chase. That was a handsome man. Smoke show. Yeah. Vinny, but worst character on the show though. Yeah, kind of nothing. Nothing there. Boring. And it's always like, I'm a great actor. I'm like, you're not even good in these scenes, honestly. Everyone else is so good on the show. Yeah, Dylan was amazing.

Oh my god, Kevin Dylan. He was amazing. Oh, my God. Kevin Dylan. He steals it. Oh, yeah, that dude's a handsome guy. Oh, man. He's like, what do you call it? Like Scandinavian or something. Yeah.

No, the rest of the acting on that show is like insane. Yeah. Kevin Dylan is so funny. So good. I watched the first two, maybe the first three episodes today. I was bored. Let me check out Entourage. It's good.

We were talking about it. I hadn't seen it in 20 years. It is so great. The whole time you're watching, you go, they can't do that now. Couldn't do that now. Four white guys. Four white guys talking about pussy. Oh, it's beyond four white guys.

Oh, my God. It's more than that. It is. All they care about is getting pussy, making money. They're like, should we get the rolls? Should we get the rolls? Turtle's like, get the rolls. I'm going to get blown all day. And they're like, should we get the roles? Should we get the roles? Turtle's like, get the roles. I'm going to get blown all day.

And they're like, eh. And they slap a girl in the ass. I mean, it's crazy. They should do that show about a white movie star living recklessly now. And he's like, we spent it all on the Bentley. And his agent's like, there's no other parts. That's it. That's all you had.

That's true. Yeah. It's wild. Yeah, because it's like these young New York guys from Queens and Hollywood, and it's a great premise. It's great. It's definitely like, how basic are we talking about? It's very basic. About entourage right now, but yeah, I mean, that was basically sex in the city for dudes. That's what it was.

Yeah, I mean, that was basically sex in the city for dudes. That's what it was. Now, let me ask you this, and this is going to get dicey, but it's weird that now, that was trendy then. Those were cool guys. They were flashy and confident and curse words and all this shit. But it's interesting that now it's the exact opposite. It's cool, like respecting women uh being vegan and not really getting fucked up and all that is cool now so it's weird that that's cool like it's weird that that took

over because we're all we all want those other things deep down you just have to pretend we don't it's like the performative thing yeah that's a good point and also but i also feel like entourage was done like the reason they got away with it is because the loyalty of just being good to your boys. That's like why they got away with a lot of that. Interesting. You knew Vince as annoying as he was, was like, that's the dream. It's like male porn.

You're just male porn. I still like other porn. But it was like fantasy for men one of your friends makes it he just takes you along for the ride and the stakes became absurd it's like fuck is Turtle going to be worth 3 million or 6 million

that was the big twist of the next episode but it was still fun yeah there he goes but it was interesting because there's a lot of female actors like sarah silverman's in episode three right and jimmy kimmel's in it but there's jessica alba and there's all these other uh female debbie mazar is in it oh dude she's the best she's great i love her but uh you can tell the women are going with it like like jessica alba's like boys you

showed up there's some hot chicks over there i think think you can fuck one. And you're like, oh, wow, you're like enabling. You know, it's so weird to hear a woman talk like that. Yeah, I mean, a lot. I think like the goalpost has definitely been moved in. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No doubt about it. No doubt about it.

I mean, you talk about like how it's cool to be hip. I used to do a bit about I did in two specials ago about how, you know, back in the day, like the 80s best friend was always like, you know, the scumbag. Oh, yeah. But now they're going to have to make like the good, like, man, we didn't hook up. We just talked. He's like, well, sometimes that's really important, too. You know, like that's what the movies are going to be now. Yeah, but that guy exists.

That's what I don't get. That scumbag guy exists. So why not have him in the movie? Yeah, but now you have to. Now it's funny with like they're just covering their bases like all these big companies like hbo netflix amazon hulu all they're covering their asses you can't have a funny asshole anymore like do you think you could actually make a show with like kenny powers nowadays that's a good question that's what i don't get

i think now you have to be like here's the character yeah but you need someone being like this is wrong like this is really i mean the beauty of eastbound down is everyone is kind of looking at him like you're a fucking he's an idiot you're an idiot but like could you even have he's got a rebel flag boogie board you i don't know if you could do that anymore i mean the joke is like this guy is so ignorant yeah i think that still plays if you ask me and i think the first guy to redo it, that's going to be a hit. I read an interview once with Danny McBride, and they were like, are you like Kenny Powers at all?

And then he was like, no. And then later in the interview, he said there was this story where he pantsed his girlfriend. You totally are like Kenny Powers a little. Yeah, it's in there a little bit, yeah. It's got to be a little. But look at All in the Family, one of the greatest sitcoms of all time. Norman Lear.

It's about this guy who's living in Queens. He's a bigot. He's an old Irish guy. He hates blacks and Puerto Ricans and makes fun of them all day long. He calls his son a hippie, get a haircut. That show would never exist now because they're like, ah, he's not likable or he's so mean. You're like, yeah, yeah, but that's the joke. That's what scares me is like I know we're trying to be progressive and move on but to me that is

progressive he's the he's the he's the butt well you're complaining that a character is not represented yes that you think exists but they don't want to give they don't want to give shine to that type of person right yeah they think, they think they're maybe complicit. I think that the fear of being complicit is so big that we're losing out on good art is what I'm saying. I think you're completely right. All right. I think you make a great point, and I think they'll do it in a drama,

but with comedy for some reason. Yes, yeah, because I guess you're making light of it. But that's the whole point of comedy is to make light of fucked up shit yeah i mean stanhope did that great bit like you had like they they got mad him for making fun of something he goes how could you ruin the word make fun like how could you find the bad and make fun that's great yeah i mean i love that i mean yeah think drama, here's the problem. I think dramas are just taken more seriously than comedy. Oh, no doubt about it.

I mean, look at the Oscars. Like, comedy is never respected. So I think that plays a big role. Totally. Where you're like, if this is, if we're showing this horrible character, we can be like, oh, this is tragic. But you can't really do that with comedy. Some comedies can do it. Like, I thought Fleabag was pretty good at that.

I love Fleabag. Yeah. Great show. Great show. And I think she was kind of like a degenerate in a way. She would fuck random guys. She was an alcoholic. Women can get away with it now.

That's what I was going to say. Women can do it. Because they never made shows like that about women. Because it's new. It's new. Exactly. Like Schumer's Trainwreck is just like, I don't want a relationship. I want to get drunk.

I want to fuck a bunch of guys. And you're like, yeah, yeah, that was our thing. But because it's a lady now, it's new again. Right. You know? Which is kind of goes against the whole thing of like, we're all equal. We're all the same. It's like, well, if we're all the same, how come when she does it, it's different?

Well, I think because, as I just said, it hasn't been done. It hasn't been done. So it's like, you know, I've had this talk with women who've said, you know, we didn't, you watch a lot of, like, 90s movies and stuff. You're like, women get a lot of boring-ass roles. Bad roles. They're always a damn tool. Finally, they're getting cool roles.

Yes. And it's for a long time women have gotten those roles. I agree. I agree. I'm talking, like, ancient fucking Greece long. Yeah, yeah. A long time. Like, even, like. I'm talking like ancient fucking Greece long. Yeah, yeah, a long time. Like classic comedy, Lysistrata.

It's about how women won't fuck the men until they end the war, which is like a hilarious premise for a comedy, but it's also like, that's a meaty role. Not tonight. No, you're totally right, but I just don't think we should lose the man one.

Like, why take one away? Why can't you have both? Yeah, no, I agree with that. I think it's... It's like, no blacks in this country club. Let's get rid of the whites. Well, I think there's a dishonesty with, like, major networks. Yes.

Who are just like, we want to – I mean, I was listening to this podcast about a guy. He basically said, you know, a lot of these networks that do – we celebrate Black History Month. First off, it's like 12 years a slave and then soul playing. I'm like, I feel like you should divvy up these maybe first of all second off it's they they do that because it's hip it's a good look for them sure they don't give a shit they don't give a shit and then they don't know how many you know black employees they have yeah they could like if you're like how many black employees do you have they they probably like we don't know but they they can be like here's a thing you don't really care it's all optics.

It's optics. So I'm with you in the dishonesty. I also think like, yeah, you know, we're going to guys like us, like we've been told, know a lot in the business. And I think it's like we're just right now what we're making isn't hip. It'll be hip in 10 years or something. Right, right, right. Yeah. It ebbs and flows.

And I get that. I get that. It's just a bummer that if you acknowledge it, you're an asshole. Yeah. You know? So you're like, I don't get the part and I can't acknowledge? Yeah, well, you have like honesty Tourette's. Ah, it's a problem.

Which is like great for a comic. Not great for social skills. Right, exactly. That's my whole life, baby. But thank God for comedy. I can push it into the gutter of comedy and just get it off the roof of my head. You're doing great. Thanks, man. You're doing great.

All right, moving on. I caught some of your set last night. It was hilarious. Oh, thanks. They weren't great at the cellar, though. They were a little tight. They were a little tight. I got off, and I was a little annoyed.

I mean, I heard the end you were killing. I had pops, but it was in and out. It was in and out. Yeah, the show before that that we did, or maybe, I don't know if you were there, actually. The night before was amazing. And so you start getting used to, oh, this is the standard.

This is how it's going to always be. And then you have a different crowd the next night. You're like, oh, right. It ebbs and flows. Yeah, for sure. I always have to remind myself like what last night this was murdering fuck you guys i'm like well maybe they were too hot and this is actually reality so you gotta remember it's somewhere in the middle it's

somewhere in the middle i think that's a tough thing we go on the road and we get a little spoiled because yeah people they're not like they're always a little hotter outside of new york city yeah and they're there for you they're there for you and we're bringing some new new york juice to lexington kentucky so i think it's i think the hot sauce is a little hotter for them they're like whoa this is crazy shit this is new york level shit yeah but it's just weird to come back from atlantic city and been like now that was a crowd you know what i mean it's just true it used to be the opposite you'd be like i'm killing new york then i go to fucking omaha and they don't get me but also realize we're doing all new stuff true we perform true if we went up there and played the hits maybe it's a different story but like that's not what that's not how we roll i mean we roll by yeah you know yeah comedy is like or stand-up comedy is

like sex where you you know you always see these marriages like you got to spice it up you know it's hard after a few years and i feel like the same with marriages like you got to spice it up. It's hard after a few years. And I feel the same with new stuff. You got to spice it up. And you're like, whoa, I have this resurgence of energy and passion for comedy because you're mixing it up again. If you do the same set, that's why you see these old guys on a cruise who want to blow their brains out because they're doing OJ jokes. And you're like, if you wrote a new thing, it would bomb. But then you would try to fix it.

And you would work on it. And then you'd see some light at the end of the tunnel. And then you figure it out after a month. Best feeling in the world. It's really hard, though. You know what? Those guys are doing that because they're always doing hell gigs. So when you're always doing a hell gig and the crowd's always bad, you always got to play the hits.

That's true. And it's really hard to write a new act when you don't have a fan base. So true. Because you're basically, what, are you going to workshop it for a place that could just replace you? You're getting booked because you kill. Great point. Not because you're a fan base. Great point.

That's what's really hard. Yeah. And that's what was so hard for us, I think, for years is figuring. Yes. We were bombing as no names. We were bombing as guys at clubs who were like, I guess I'll give you a weekend. And now at least we have enough people coming out that they're like, they're okay with us trying some new shit. Yes, they'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

I already know this guy's funny. But you've got to prove you're funny in those moments. That's the hard thing. But then we also, like you hear stories about young chapelle well he was always doing this he was always writing so much yeah yeah so that's that's the tough thing i think that's a great point about as a young guy you gotta kill because you're not tried and true you're like imagine trying to make the basketball team and you miss every free throw and like what are you doing you're like i'm working on new stuff you know you gotta make those baskets and it's the same with a young comic

an athlete just i'm i'm dicking around yeah i'm trying my hook i'm trying this but like you got a great jumper ah no i'm trying behind the back you know i'm trying the alley oop or whatever it is well it's kind of like the g league like you're a developmental player and you're not in the pros and you're trying to work on shit it's much harder because the money's worse and the trainers are worse like all the circumstances are worse that's what shittier clubs are yeah it's easier to get better when you're put in situations where you can succeed yes i mean that's why you see people pop young and people are like they fucking but they delivered it's like but they were put in a situation to deliver they had they were all their they already had fans so it was easier to work out material like it's easy to work out new jokes when they love you the second you hit the stage of course and obviously you still got to deliver at a certain

point but you know uh yeah completely that's why like mulaney is doing stand-up again and it's all his people coming out so he's gonna workshop this thing with some nice cushion. And I think you need that, and I think that cushion will allow him to get crazier and weirder and more outside the box. And he's divorced, so he probably doesn't have someone at home who's like, where are you going? Oh, yeah.

We haven't gone out to dinner in a while. Right. You never take me out anymore. I'm speculating. He's one of the best. I'm excited to see his stuff. Killer. Phil Hanley saw it.

Yeah, what'd he say? He said it was amazing. Yeah, Mulaney's maybe the best comic. Probably the best comic working outside of, like, the legends. But, yeah, rock opened. True. True story. He's just there for the girls.

Yeah. Crazy, though. This is going to be like his prior moment. Rock is just chilling by the bar. And they're like, good set. He's like, thanks. Yeah, yeah. Just chilling.

They're both divorced. They can bond. Yeah, dude. Yeah. It seems like everyone gets divorced once now. Can you see a better show than Rock and Mulaney? That's insane. I don't know.

That's fucking hard. Maybe Logan Paul versus Caitlyn Jenner. Better show. But yeah, no, you're right. That's a hot show. And they're both divorced. They're both raw, working on new shit. I mean, that's a hot show.

Rock's got some new stuff that's unreal. That's like Michael Jordan and LeBron shooting around together. Yes, exactly, exactly. The young goat and the old goat. Yeah. Give me a peeve. Oh, boy. I got two, but maybe I should save one.

But one of them, speaking of stand-up, this kills me. You ever have a mediocre set or anything in life? Something doesn't go well, a job interview bombs or whatever or you bomb a driving test or something like that and everyone knows

it didn't go well. They're watching you and they go, how'd you feel that went? I fucking hate when people say, I bombed somewhere and I get off stage

and some guy goes, how'd you feel that went? And I was like, it was fucking horrible. Are you going to make me repeat it? You're going to talk to me like you're my therapist after I just bombed? Oh, man, I wanted to strangle this guy. I put out a video trying to get some views on it, and it got zero.

It got shit views. And he was like, how'd you feel like the reaction on that video was? I'm like, the numbers are right there. You don't have to ask me. Thanks for making me relive it, Queef. Yeah, no, how do you think that went? Oh, man, I wrote that down. Like they're asking you to take a long, hard look in the mirror.

Yes, yes, exactly. You know, not well. Not well. I'm miserable over here. The whole thing stunk. It bombed. It went through the floor. Everybody hated it.

How do you feel it went? Look at the numbers. Look at the audience. Look at the reaction. Get out of here. Ah, I wanted to strangle that guy as you're strangling how do you think you're doing how's this going for you right how's your esophagus feel huh how's this going come on killing me that's annoying yes internet etiquette can be really touchy like i i had a guy this fucking bug me he messaged me.

He gave one of my YouTube videos five stars and writes, you're welcome. He was a screenshot. You're welcome. What a cunt. You want credit for fucking giving a good review to a thing I wrote and performed? Yes, yes. You're welcome. You're welcome for the fucking YouTube video you liked, you piece of dog shit.

Yeah, the free entertainment you got. You come, Guzzler? I hope you get fucking hit with a crowbar on the way home. Yeah. Oh, you're welcome. What a nudie. You're welcome is never not a cunt remark. Never.

You are a piece of dog shit. You're welcome. Yeah. How about say that if you leave my life forever. Right. Say you're welcome. That's the only time I'll thank you. Imagine getting blown and you finish like that was great.

You're welcome. You know. Come on. I gave you something. You're welcome is a great thing to say after someone blows you for 14 minutes. Right. Right. Are you almost there?

You're welcome. Sorry to pull my pun for half an hour because i couldn't get it up but dude this natty wine buzz is unlike any buzz can't beat it i like you know why it's like you ever drink a really like i drink a lot of truck stop coffee you ever get a really good cup of coffee and that caffeine buzz you're like that's a fucking high right there euphoric yeah yeah by the way truck stop coffees if we start a coffee that that caffeine buzz you're like that's a fucking high right there euphoric yeah yeah by the way truck stop coffees if we start a coffee that's got to be the name truck stop coffee truck stop coffee sounds like it hits you like a mac ironic kind of like what we're going with her yes can we say what it is i guess we can fat cat there you go fat cat rye like fucking old

school 20s new york baby loose uh tux tie, white jacket, cigarette in the ashtray. We're a bunch of nobodies, so we're going to have a cocktail that's kind of nice and high-end feeling. I like that Matt's bringing up pictures of fat cats. Which we cannot use. We found out they're not legally allowed to use cartoon imagery. So children won't want to arrive. I feel like kids are going to take a sip and be like, not for me. Yeah, I could see that.

I'm more of a Juicy Juice, Capri Sun type of kid. The Joe Camel rule, I guess. I don't know. That shit works, though. I remember there was a Mr. Bubble laundry deterrent. It had Batman and Robin on it. I was like, Mom, we got to get it. She was like, your special needs douche.

Get out of here. I was like, we got to gotta get this one lunchables would have someone on it yeah marvel you're like mom spider man lunchables come on it's gonna be better than the other ones she's like it's all the same with some chinese company made it it's all made out of plastic kill yourself you ever look at the nutritional uh facts on on lunchables you're like this is the least healthy shit of all time. Like, how are crackers, ham, and cheese this bad for you? You found a way to take it to another... I don't know what the hell you're putting in that shit. I know. I think it's like sofa

cushion insides or something. And I remember wanting that. My mom was the most frugal coos on the planet. Frugal coos is a great punk band. But my mom was so cheap, she would give me like a grocery bag. First of all, she put a jar of chocolate milk. I had to keep the jar and bring it back home.

That was a nightmare, trying to keep track of a glass jar when you're six. But I had to keep the glass jar. Then it would be like a tortilla with cheese in it and carrot sticks and something else. It was the worst lunch of all time. That sounds horrible. I'd see the Gushers guy. I'd see the Lunchables guy. My mom never gave me any of that shit either.

Yeah. It always hurt. You see the Fruit by the Foot guy. You're like, this guy's a fucking legend. Everyone hates me at school. I know. Fruit Roll-Up. He's the guy with cigarettes in jail.

I'm over here sucking dick for a ramen noodle. Brutal. I would have killed for a little mini bag of Teddy Grahams. Come on. Oh, my God. Give me some cinnamon. Come on. Yeah, something I've heard of, Mom.

Dunkaroos. That kid was a legend. Whoever had the vanilla frosting Dunkaroos, dude. I'm like, Mom, book me a sleepover at this kid's house. His parents don't give a fuck, and he knows how to live. Yeah, some kid would have a can of Coke. I'm like, you got a can of Coke? That's like having heroin in school.

That's crazy. I got a toast for you. Oh, please. To people who bring positive energy wherever they go. Hear, hear. Because that's hard. That's rare. There are people like, you do that.

You really do that. I try. I know a few people who they bring positive. Salakus, you do that too? I definitely do not. But people who bring like shout out to anyone. If you're bringing positive energy, that is like. Stavros does that too.

Stav is incredible at that. Yeah. I mean, I'm grateful for people like that because I know you're slowly dying inside from how much you're holding in. Yeah. And you're going to burst one how much you're holding in. Yeah. And you're going to burst one day, and I just hope I'm not around for that. Look at Robin Williams. Yeah. He'd fucking come in the room doing cartwheels and play them with –

he'd take a scarf and, whoo, he'd put it around his head. I'm an old lady or whatever. Everyone's laughing. He gets off stage. He's like, oh, fuck. Yeah, yeah. That's what you need after you deal – I feel that sometimes.

I'll be at a club, and I'm like on. I'm fucking shitting. I'm riffing up with people. I'm doing a thing. Second I get off stage, I just grab a shot. I'm like. Oh, completely. Come on.

Give it to me. Yeah, I was selling shirts the other day, taking photos, and the opener goes. Dad takes it out of you. Oh, my God. That's worse than the show. He's like, you need another drink? I was like, give me two. Give me a double.

Yeah. Yeah, you just got to put them back. Tequila and soda on the road. On the road, i do a lot of like vodka tequila soda clear light you know not heavy the soda's light the tequila's light it's a clear liquor apparently it helps with hangovers i don't know sometimes i take a risk and order manhattan and i'm just like you use dry vermouth are you trying to fucking hurt me man yeah you could tell the difference are you kidding take a sip all right i never knew it was the vermouth i've had i sound like fucking niles on fraser are you kidding the palate yeah i uh i can't tell i never knew it was uh the vermouth was was the problem oh yeah well it's it's supposed to have it's not supposed to

be a bitter drink. The sweetness is what makes it a Manhattan. But then, no, you do the dry vermouth with the old pal. Right. There you go. Which I hope we do some fat cat old pals. That'll be our drink at the clubs. Get an old pal.

Share it with a friend. Old pals are fucking underrated. Great drink. It is underrated. I wonder why. Maybe it with a friend. Old pals are fucking underrated. Great drink. It is underrated. I wonder why. Maybe it's the name. I think people just don't. I don't think people venture out with their drinks.

I think they're like, that's on the menu. That's in. Yeah. It's like kind of an outside-the-box drink, even though it's not. That's true. But that's what I'm saying. I wonder why it never made it into the lexicon, like Manhattan and old-fashioned and Negroni. It's probably not as broad as an old-fashioned or Manhattan,

and then you're doing those liquors, a Negroni's going to beat it out with a Campari because you need a gin drink on that menu too. True, true. Oh, well said. That was a great little run you had there. Was it? Yeah, yeah, That was perfect.

You sounded like you owned a bar. Oh, wow. Like you were making a menu. Well, we're working on making a rye, my friend. Isn't that crazy? It's so adult. It's crazy, and it's so good. Yeah.

I told the girlfriend. She was like, you are? I'm like, yeah, we're going to do a rye. We already talked to the distributor. She was like, oh, my God. It turned her on. Yeah. Pretty cool.

Making a liquor. And then, hey, if God, it turned her on. Yeah. Pretty cool. Making a liquor. And then, hey, if things go well down the line, we'll try to make a canned cocktail. I mean, I think that's only a matter of time. I think we're doing it. Canned cocktail. You get a canned Old Pal, a canned Manhattan. You get a little tiny can. Fuck, I want them serving that shit on Delta to me.

I want to hear the can pop, and I want to pour it over some delta to me ah i want to fucking i want to i want a little i want to hear the can pop and i want to pour it over some ice and i want to get fucking lit up hell yeah after hopefully getting an upgrade in first class watching some fucking you know shitty ass shows they've got hopefully they got you know something yeah i want to get fucked up and watch blackish is that a bad show i've never watched a minute of it, but I'm sure it's terrible. It's a sitcom. Some sitcoms are good. What do you love?

Modern Family's good. I bet Black-ish is good. All right. It's Anthony Anderson, isn't it? I like him. He's great. He's great. I think he did comedy for 10 minutes, or stand-up.

Yeah, I think he did a tour. He's great, man. Yeah, he's good. He's in The Departed. You have to fucking reference his white roll. That's the only one I know. You're a black guy in Boston. You don't need any help from me to get fucked.

Yeah. What do you got? You got a wreck? I got a wreck. All right. This is a weird one. But listen to this audio book. It's great.

It's called The Black and the Blue. It's by Matthew Horace. He's a black cop, and it's just his experience as being a black cop and the stories are incredible like he gets other cops to tell stories but it's like you know he experienced a lot of racism growing up he also was a cop so he's he's dealt with like you know he talks about dealing with opiates and making arrests and like how they were on the wrong side of it and how they were kind of pawns and cogs in the system. It's really fascinating, and he's a good writer. I mean, he really is very charismatic, and he's from Philly.

He's had experience with police brutality as a kid. He comes from an educated family. His parents also got caught by the New York Giants. Like, crazy life story. So he came close to becoming a pro athlete. Just a fascinating story. Interesting. Interesting guy and seems like a really cool guy.

Oh, there it is. Oh, wow. Look at that. I'm enjoying it a lot. I'm almost done with it. So he's obviously a big dude if he was up for the Giants. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Wow. Black and the blue. The black, the blue. Got it. Yeah. Black and the blue. Okay. Yeah, I'm really enjoying it.

I might have listened to that because I have a bit about being a black cop i'm really enjoying it i might listen to that because i have a bit about being a black cop you should listen i'm listening because i have so much new police material oh yeah so i was listening to it i was like uh i i did a show in arlington a black cop walks up to me goes love the police jokes love the black lives matter jokes and i was like man that's uh that's all you want to hear is that like that's that's my demo right there for those jokes yeah and then uh yeah yeah i want to make. That's my demo right there for those jokes. Yeah. And then, yeah, I want people to think that I'm being funny with it all or not. Totally.

You want to make sure the bits aren't pandering. That's exactly what it is. In either direction. Yes, like our old gay jokes. Yeah. Yeah. All right, good rec. What's your rec?

Black and the Blue. And you chose audio book. I've been walking a lot this week. I've been pretty busy. So, you know, if I'm home late at night and I can read, that's one thing. But when I'm really busy, I like to listen to either a book or a podcast. I'm with you. I'm podcast all the way.

Audio books are good sometimes. They're great, especially like a long ride or a long flight. It's good to have that continuity. Because sometimes a pie has a land and you're like, now what do I do? You know, with that long audiobook. I'm reading Stephen King's On Writing. Is it good? It's pretty good, yeah.

Nice. I'm such a bad reader that I saw a tip. Somebody said, just read a page a day. And then you're like, yeah, I can do that. So then I read a page a day and then you end up reading 10. Yeah. So it's all about the getting into it with you know people go they see the book or they see the piano or they see the gym and they go ah but if you just go you're done that's the

hardest part it depends on the book right if it's like it's like a page turner versus if it's really dense and tough to read like Like I'll read like, sometimes I'll just read like a heist book or like something that's so clearly made to be a page turner and so easy to read that it'll get me to want to read more dense stuff. Right, right. But it's just, I can't read fiction.

I don't know what it is. I like a book about writing or a documentary or not a, what do you call it? Biography. But you watch a lot of docs, too. A lot of docs. That makes sense. A lot of docs, yeah.

Yeah. I went to film school. I like the way they shoot a doc. I like how they decided to put it together and the whole thing. So that's all fun for me. But my rec, two things. One, this is a toast more. Love a toast. I'll go wreck than toast wreck i don't know

if you know tom tomas delgado yeah great guy great guy yeah he's a tour guide in new york and i've always a lawyer back in the day he was a lawyer and i think that fell through but uh he uh he does he does tours in new york he's and i'm obsessed with New York. I'm obsessed with cities. And he does these, he put them on YouTube. So he got a camera guy and he'll just go to Fort Green or Brooklyn Heights

or Tribeca or Brooklyn Bridge. And he'll just give a tour on YouTube so you don't have to go walk around like an idiot with these losers. And you learn about shit and they're fucking fascinating. And I love about shit. And they're fucking fascinating. And I love fun facts.

And they're all on YouTube. I watched Brooklyn Heights today. Amazing. He's like, that's Truman Capote where he lived. He wrote In Cold Blood there. Norman Mailer lived there. This was an old hotel. It was like the Ritz Carlton of Brooklyn.

I mean, just killer. Wow. So much history. And so he's great at it. He's great at it and the facts are actually interesting. I can see that. He's very engaging. He's a fun guy to talk to. Great guy. Funny guy. And they're not pretentious

at all. He's not like, hello, we're here on the side. He makes jokes and all that. And he's like, that's the law firm that didn't hire me. He throws that all in. They're really well done. They're on YouTube. Thomas Delgado.

Maybe you could turn this into like a TV show or something. Maybe, maybe they're, they don't have a ton of views and I watch them at home. Like these are so well done and they're just bare bones. Yeah. They're great. And you learn things about your own neighborhood.

I watched the wedge village when I was like, I didn't know that that's a Bob Dylan record. I didn't know that. It really cool. I can't wait to watch this. I really like him, and that sounds right up my alley, man. Now I'm gonna give a weird toast. You thought

your black and blue was weird. I don't think it's weird. I'm giving a toast to artificial plants. Damn, really? I love a fake plant. I think real plants are overrated.

You get the same look. Do you prefer sex robots too, as long as things aren't living? In a pinch. I bring one on the road. I just think, especially those little ones. See that one on the right, Sally,

with the three? Yeah. That shit, you put one on a shelf, one on your nightstand, one on the windowsill, you're good to go. Like that Bobby Darin song, Artificial flowers, she made artificial flowers. I don't know that one. It's a good one.

But I'm with it. There's your sex robot. I just think fake plants, you don't got to water them. You don't got to mend and tame and look after them. This might be a metaphor for bigger shit in your life. Yeah, maybe. I grew up with a fake Christmas tree every year. Sex robots, you don't have to listen to their stories.

They don't cry on your shoulder. Yeah, yeah. They just suck your dick. That's all they do. Well, we've all bought flowers for your lady and they go dead in two days and you're like wow this is weird this is kind of pointless yeah uh but these things they just look great they last forever they stay erect they're they're the way to go you get a nice vase or vase or planner or holder whatever it is

go fake plant i'm i'm on board i i'm i'm interested you got a real plant i don't have any plant there you go oh you gotta get it you gotta get something green in the house it changes everything i'm telling you that was the most jewish sentence i've ever said you gotta get something green in the house it changes everything it really does like i'm in a video my life was shit until I got one of these. Take a look. I like it's a black and white video. My life sucked. You're in pajamas. Cut to you in a tuxedo.

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David Till's got that great joke. Somebody goes, you watch porn? He goes, only at the library. That's fucking great. God. I know. It's so unfair. Did you catch a set last night?

Some of it, yeah. Killer. All right, what do you got on? I guess we're doing bits are we doing bits unless did we did we get we got a peeve we got a rick i got a couple bit ideas that need help i got one or two that all right i have two cop jokes speaking i'm sorry to go so cop heavy lately i got a chunk i'm trying to all right perfect here but uh so one of them is what the hell's is this wine here? There's some fucking dust in the bottom.

Oh, OK. Maybe I shouldn't do the bottom. Yeah. It's not the first time you said that. Anyway, you know. Yeah, I've one about how I was reading. So I was reading that book, The Black and the Blue. And there was a cop who said that he pulled over a black guy

because he was driving a volvo and he goes i'm not racist it's just that's not a normal car for a black guy to drive and it's like first off you you are racist that's insane second up you're not just doing it because it's not normal like if there was an amish guy driving a volvo that's much less normal you're not pulling him over right right maybe also like if there's a black guy driving a horse and buggy that's pretty fucking not normal you're not pulling him over right right maybe also like if there's a black guy driving a horse and buggy that's pretty fucking not normal you're not pulling him over yeah interesting so wait oh this is a white guy talking he's a white cop okay okay interesting so the white guy is pulling over a black guy and of all also it's like how fucked up is it that like a black dude can't like like like like a black dude can't just get a like i like bentley

is fucked up to pull black over we pull them over for a volvo yeah for a sensible fucking car like that's a pretty i'm not saying it's not like a good car but it's like come on why'd you pull them over too reliable yeah it's the most reliable you know sensible car you buy it that car to be safe yeah you're not safe right there you go there you go yeah that should be that should be if they sell a car they should make a car for black people like you won't get pulled over this is sounding a lot like segregation here oh yeah shit you're right but it'd be that'd be a funny ad like to help black people not get pulled over you know like here's what you need to fit the stereotype obviously that would be yeah it's just a white guy driving it getting pulled over and they beat the shit out of him yeah yeah um

no that's uh that's interesting it's interesting to me that's like i'm not racist this is just not normal it's like well just because it's not normal doesn't mean it's a reason to pull someone over right right well cops go by patterns i think but yeah that's true you're right that's crazy a lot of those patterns are uh racist uh patterns are yeah it is a german car right no talking about that a lot in this book where they say like how they often go after black guys for the drug trade but it was so often white drug dealers interesting yeah so wait a minute this this bit's good there's something here there's something here. There's something here. I like it.

This is part of a whole chunk about race and cops and stuff. I think it's pretty funny. Sal Acosta seemed to be working it out. But I had a – that was one of the bits. The other one that I can't crack – I'm doing a double here. I'm sorry. Do it. What I did was I do a thing about – it hits, but it needs more.

I compare black No I compare cops To white women Have I done this in the show? Yeah we did the white women thing Alright let me do a different one then Let's stay with this for a sec I've tried different angles but I want to do the same bit

Even if it's a different take on it What do you got? I thought you had something else Oh no let me see I hold on wait wait wait i'm still on the volvo thing really volvo thing well talk to me that's great uh so maybe he pulls the guy over with a sensible car a reliable car and then the guy's listening to bare naked ladies or something and he's like that's what I knew he was something was up you know

you keep going with the this isn't fitting the profile like why the hell can't this guy just like what he likes but then also it's like why like so then it's almost like cops are saying black people have to fit into this box right kind of like so it's like he's not

now I've listed but the black people you're saying black people have to fit into a box but it's like all right so this guy did something different it's like almost like being unique yes or not being unique that's not the right word but going breaking away from a pattern is not acceptable. But it's like, isn't that what most people who are interesting do? Ah, Prince. Very androgynous. Androgynous. But it's interesting because I think he's obviously saying

this guy stole this car from a white guy. Sure. Yeah. So he's following the pattern of a lot of white guys drive this car. Now a black guy drives it. He must have stolen it. Yeah. I think, yeah.

But it wouldn't go the other way. It wouldn't be like, hey, this white guy is driving this lowrider. They don't do that. I don't think Jews are getting pulled over in escalades like why a Cadillac. Right, exactly. That's what I'm saying.

Exactly, yeah. Hmm. Right now it's just kind of an interesting point and not that funny. No, no, but we're going to get there. We're working it out. Salakou's wearing two different colored socks, or is that just an ace bandage?

It's a bandage. You hurt your foot? He's getting old. Damn. He's got the gout. Oh, I had something. Geez, now you got me looking at Salakou's disgusting calves. Hold on.

You're that dude who takes your fucking socks off on the plane, aren't you, Salacuse? Ugh. Oh, that's a problem. All right, hold on. Oh, oh, I got it. I got it. Most black guys get pulled over. It's like, hey, you fit the description.

But in a Volvo, it's like, hey, you don't fit the description. So black guy's like, I get pulled over, I fit it, and if i don't see what i'm saying what do you mean like most black guys get pulled over by the cops because the cop goes hey i saw you you fit the description of somebody who robbed a liquor store oh you don't fit the and now you don't fit the description because you're driving a volvo and i'm like so i'm getting pulled over i fit it and if i don't i'm fucked either way. Problem is you fit description for a crime. That's the problem.

Yeah. I don't know it yet. Give me one of yours. We'll practice later. Well, mine is much darker. I don't think mine is dark. I think it's just an observation. No, that's what I'm saying.

Yours is not dark. Mine is way darker. Well, I'm trying to work on this bit about there was their first female school shooter shooter sure so i'm like geez ladies you're taking all our sports you know and i'm like i mean you shot less people yeah but uh you're heavy yeah you're still not as good as the male shooters but hey you're out there that's progress first female then, you know, it's fun that the progress in America is a female person that kills people. Yeah. You know, that's the joke. Basically, like, the progress is like, hey, we need more women in this movie.

But like, hey, we got a female shooter. That's something, too. Diversity. Yeah, women are taking this anything you can do, we can do better thing a little too far. Right. Soon you'll have a trans woman shooter, like, I'm going to go up against the female shooter. I don't know. I don't know.

I think there's something interesting about a woman finally doing it. Yeah, for sure. Like, it's been a long time coming. She's the Jackie Robinson of shootings, of female shootings, you know? Yeah, there's something about... Call in. She broke the glass ceiling. Well, actually, she shot through it.

Ah, yes. Now we're cooking. Yeah. Now we're cooking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She broke the glass ceiling with bullets. we're cooking yeah yeah yeah i like she broke the glass ceiling with bullets and uh i like the idea too of the the men at the school like what i didn't know a woman could do this and then they get shot or something oh yeah fuck you go girl yeah yeah you're a pioneer ah shit you're breaking the barriers and my spine ah shit first female mass shooter where

was it uh it was in like sioux falls sally this is where this is uh this is where you north dakota shine is that it was it was up upper north area very rurally kind of area but yeah she shot up a school oh is it Cleveland? No that's not right Sioux Falls It's funny that Isn't that named after like Indians?

Yeah It's funny that they're like Who would have thought There'd be violence In a place we stole land From fucking Indians Also if her name was Sioux And the cops shot her

They're like alright Sioux Falls Finally They shot Sioux Maybe it was Cleveland Elementary school Wowesus fucking christ they start young out there you know it's this is gonna sound dark but i'm on the mailing list for the brady act which is like a really good organization uh against gun violence you know and

after uh brady who is uh ronald reagan's uh Secret Service who got shot. Oh wow. You know and I get so many messages. It's like that's how many mass shootings there are again. I get like two a day from them. Really? Yeah. I mean the mass shooting you can't even keep up

when there's one. I got one this morning. There's like six new mass shootings. I'm like what? I try to open most of them but I can't read. I don't have time to read all of them. It's crazy. It's our greatest export. It's not good. I don't think they have this other places, do they?

Not like America. Not like us. But we also have such a fucking gun problem here. I guess so, yeah. I mean, that's when people were saying defund the police, and then you're like, and then what? Every man for themselves? Ooh, interesting. It's like we already have a gun problem right i don't like the idea of every man for themselves because uh i

live in the city and you guys have a fucking head start yeah we don't have guns here yeah well every morning i wake up to the the news it's like two men shot in the bronx a lot a lot of shootings in new york lately a lot of shootings in New York. Queens, the Bronx, Brooklyn. Yeah. It's wild out there. Yeah. I wonder if the cops in a weird way are kind of like, oh, you don't like us, huh? Oh, I'm sure.

I'm sure, right? It's kind of like when your girlfriend's like, I don't need you. And then she's like, there's a roach. Someone needs to install an air conditioner, please. It's the summer yeah right exactly and then i'm like i'm also incompetent maintenance uh yeah you know the first female mass shooter is she the first ever i assume i'd never heard of another one i'd probably this first school shooter because pat Patty Hearst I think shot some people She didn't kill anyone

Ah shit I tried to give her the benefit No I don't even know if she shot She was holding there was a famous picture of her Holding the machine gun That's all I'm going off of is that photo Yeah she looked pretty hot in that picture She did yeah jerked off to the gun Jay McInerney married a Hearst the writer

Oh yeah The guy who wrote Bright Lights Big City Yeah So I think he's just like He was this fucking great writer and now he's just like i i like had to unfollow one of his social media because it was like literally him just getting fucked up all the time oh wow because he's just rich he's like here's another wine i'm like just you're the best fucking writer why are you doing this yeah right you know anything on that shooter, Sally? Multiple. Oh, no. Do multiple women doing it?

Yeah. Oh, well, now I'm the bigot. Now I'm the sexist because I was like, we got one. There's multiple. Maybe that's the angle. It's crazy. Like, yeah, there have been a bunch. I thought it was a first, but it turns out there have been a bunch.

It turns out I'm a bigot. Right. Turns out you guys are great at this. Yeah, exactly. Their shootings are in sync. bunch it turns out i'm a bigot right right turns out you guys are great at this yeah exactly it turns out there it turns out that they're uh they're pretty good at murder oh women have murdered a lot yeah yeah i mean my confidence my self-esteem my uh my dreams my future yeah all right well it's not shocking that women are good at murder because they're good at so much other i mean like i used to have the bit about the female mass shooter

different bit but it would be like how you never see a female mass shooter because men will they'll murder their best friend or their or a stranger but they'll but women they kill their boyfriend or their husband yes like men and women have sex the way they they kill the way they make love men are like i will kill anything but women are like i gotta get to know you first great bit great you want to get murdered by me you're gonna have to put a little work in that was a joke different bit but uh it was also about female mass shooters i mean damn it's like yeah it's rare it's rare sure. Women like a slow build. I'll put antifreeze, a drop in your oatmeal every day. Then after six months, you're done.

Yeah. Because I think women like foreplay. They like the idea of like, ooh, I'm killing him every day a little bit. Then the death is the big climax. Women want a little foreplay. Man, we really are hitting every stereotype this episode. This one's gonna get us in a lot of trouble. That's one great thing about my gal. She's like, I wanna just get right

to it. Fuck foreplay. Really? Yeah, yeah. Which is great for me, because I'm like, oh great, I wanna get to it too. It's like a coming attraction. Every once in a while you want some. Yeah, I came. Every once in a while you want a. Yeah, I came. Every once in a while you want a trailer, though. That's true.

We do love a trailer. Trailers on YouTube have millions of views. We love that enticing. It's that anticipation. Have you gone back to the movies yet? Actually, I haven't. I can't wait to. What's the last movie you've seen in the theater? That's a great question. Shit, I can't even remember.

I can tell you mine right now. Please. 1917. I saw that in the theater? That's a great question. Shit, I can't even remember. I can tell you mine right now. Please. 1917. Oh, I saw that in the theater. Great movie. Great movie. Great. My girl hated it. She was bored out of her mind.

Oh, it's incredible. Are you kidding? This happened. Oh, it's a masterpiece. You feel like you're in it. Yeah, it's fucking heavy. It's shocking and it's well done. So well done.

Man, shout out to Sam Mendes. Brilliant director, man. Brilliant. I mean, didn't he do American Beauty? Oh, yeah. So well done. Man, shout out to Sam Mendes. Brilliant director, man. Brilliant. I mean, didn't he do American Beauty? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Road to Perdition. Wow.

Jarhead? Yeah. All right. This is way better than Jarhead. Oh, yeah. Jarhead's very slow. Gulf War movies, like, what are you going to do? It's the least fun war.

It's a lot of waiting around. Yeah, yeah. Out of all the wars, you're going to go Gulf? Well, a lot of people are like you know there's no gulf war movie i'm like for a reason yeah yeah come on what are we not saying it wasn't terrible but it's like a lot of sitting around yeah it's like having a movie about john stockton i mean we got a lot of other he did nothing against stockton all-time steals and assist leader all right well nobody wants to watch a movie of assists i'm sorry i mean look the guy's great and i think he's that's not true dr kevorkian that was a movie and a heist movie i guess it's about steals but that's an assist yeah yeah that's true yeah what do you think about kevorkian I mean, like. I think he was white.

All right. All right. I mean, I think just, you know, if you're miserable and you're ready to go, I guess it depends on the line where you think is murder versus assisted suicide. Yeah. I mean. The family wants some input, I think, is the problem. Suicide machine, holy shit. 130 assisted suicides.

I mean, shit, man. Because some see him as a hero. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if I'd call him a hero, but I don't know. I think when you get to a point where your body shuts down and you're in hell and you don't want to live anymore it's your body it's your right agreed agreed I mean shit women are allowed to get abortions yeah shouldn't we be allowed to shut shit down this is my computer

can I shut down interesting but some people say they're not in their right state of mind they're on drugs whatever well yeah they're old they're on drugs yeah so is there there's got to be a doc on him that seems like a great compelling documentary you know with him that's fucking perfect what now he killed his career are you are you killing patients i'm just getting warmed up uh i thought it was a little weird how often he said hoo-ha in that movie. Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha.

Yeah, won the Oscar, I think. Mr. Kevorkian, please step down. I don't believe I will. Is that you always said it's overrated? Instead of a woman? Yeah. Yeah, and it's like he's doing like a black guy's voice. It's like offensive for someone. Right. How did you's like he's doing like a black guy's voice. It's like offensive for someone who's usually like,

how did you get away with just doing like a black southern voice? That's true, yeah. Pacino's like, please step down. I don't believe I will. What the fuck is that voice, Pacino? I know. Everything works out that he shows up to. He's driving a Ferrari.

That works out. Never wrecks it in New York City. He does the tango. Yeah, he does the tango. That works out. He picks up a chick. He fucks her somehow. Then he goes to the trial at the end, and that works out.

It's like, come on. It's a standing O. It's a standing O. That's such a fucking early 90s movie. I know, I know. He goes, please step down. Go fuck yourself. Oh, he's not a bad man.

We love you, blind guy. Of course. That we don't know. It's young Philip Seymour Hoffman. Oh, he's not a bad man. We love you, blind guy. Of course. That we don't know. It's young Philip Seymour Hoffman. Oh, he was great. Put the gun to his head. I'm going to kill myself, Charlie. Why don't you clean up the blood and suck my dick?

He's like, please. Please don't kill yourself. I'm blind. I'm blind as a bat. But they should make a sequel, like a darker version. He takes Charlie to Chinatown. I'm blind. I'm blind as a bat. Yep. But they should make a sequel, like a darker version. He takes Charlie to Chinatown. He's like, Charlie, I'm going to get my dick sucked by a Korean prostitute.

You stand out back and man God. Just like Vietnam. Why are there Koreans in Chinatown? I don't know. I don't know. Charlie, we're all confused. It's just like war time. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, man. Look at young Philip. He was cute. Fuck, the greatest. Yeah. If you could bring back one actor from the dead. Ooh. Philip Seymour Hoffman, James Gandolfini.

Ooh. Who are you taking those to? Out of those, I'd go... Damn. Gandolfini, you love so much because he had that big role, and he was so nice. He got everybody paid more. But Philip, I think, got more range.

So I'd go. I don't know. Gandolfini's got range. I mean, what is he in? Get Shorty. The Man Who Wasn't There. True Romance. Yeah, but he was like a meathead.

He was like the muscle. Enough said. He's in a rom- a meathead. He was like the muscle. Enough said. He's in a rom-com with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Don't tell me Gandolfini doesn't have range. I'm not saying he doesn't have range. I'm saying he's got less range than Hoffman. Possibly, but I still... Sopranos is the best show of all time, dude.

I agree, but I mean, Magnolia... He's incredible. This guy's great in everything. I love them both. You're right. I love them both, but he had more life in him, too. He was going to go further and further, whereas Gandolfini was already older. They were pretty similar in age, I want to say.

What? 52? He was 52 when he died. Is that right? Jesus Christ. Don't tell me Gandolfini didn't have life in him, dude. I thought he was 68. He was supposed to be on The Night Of, too, but he died. Ah. Jesus Christ. Don't tell me Gandalf didn't have a life in him. I thought he was 68.

He was supposed to be on The Night Of, too, but he died. Ah. Well, what about, let's get the Hoffman numbers here, and then we got to wrap this thing up. Boogie Nights. Oh, man, come on. Classic. Classic.

Amazing in Along Came Polly. He's so funny in the movie. He's even great in that Mission Impossible. Incredible villain. Damn. Look, they're both, I don't know why I pit them against each other. That was fucked up of me. I get it.

What was the age he died there, Sally? I missed that. It looked like 68 to 2014. I can't do that. 1967, 77, 87, 98. I can't do that. Oh, come on. Pretty young.

I mean, you're right, though. They're about six years apart. Jesus. I had no idea. And he's from Fairport, New York, which I've never heard of. Damn. I never saw Schenectady, New York. I never saw it either, but it's fun hearing a guy after a bottle of wine say Schenectady, New York.

Sorry. No, I don't care. What am I, a cop? But yeah, yeah, that's a Kaufman. Yeah, no, he's a genius. One of the great York. Sorry. No, I don't care. What am I, a cop? I can't speak anymore. But yeah, yeah, that's a Kaufman. Yeah, no, he's a genius. One of the greats. Genius. Never gets his due, I don't feel like. He and John Malkovich is a fucking masterpiece.

I rewatched it recently. Like, what a fucking weird movie that somehow works. Unbelievable. It's funny you say it because I just rewatched Fear and Loathe. Not Fear and Loathe. Jesus, I'm drunk. What's that called? Sunshine, Spotless, Mind.

Yeah, wow, I forgot he wrote that too. Unbelievable. Kaufman is the best at going to that. Adaptation. Adaptation. He goes to that part of your brain that we can't tap into. You know when you write this amazing bit

and it just hits you in the shower and you get just a glimpse of that part of your brain? I feel like he's able to go there all the time. Do we need drugs? No, I think you just gotta focus on it and hone that and learn how to get there. It's kind of like learning how to meditate. Crazy that they wrote it on the Dana Carvey show.

What? Holy shit. The staff is like Louis C.K., Stephen Colbert. Steve Carell. Steve Carell Dana Carvey is so funny man What's that Greek guy Smigel

What's that Greek guy Dino Mistopoulos Family Guy writer He's a genius, Smigel's a genius Damn That show proves it The networks don't fucking get it. The networks don't get it.

You got the most brilliant guys in a room. Unbelievable. Didn't go. It's all bullshit and it's bad for you, George Carlin. Yes. That's a great note to go out on. All right. Let's plug some dates, man.

What do you got? I forget when this is coming out. Not this Sunday, but the next okay i'm in levity live this weekend in upstate new york speaking of hoffman speaking of malls oh yeah it's in a mall but it's a good club with good food better food than any club in the fucking country probably easily cb live in phoenix i've never been there i can't wait i love phoenix it's the uh west coast florida as this guy would say syracuse toledo houston philly buffalo dayton skyline and appleton arlington improv uh brea albany west palm beach might pop into uh West too. Comedy Connection in Providence, Madison, Wisconsin.

All kinds of dates. Come out. Say hello. Buy a shirt. Listen to the pod. Tell a friend. Get on the Patreon. What do you got there Sloppy Jalopy? Cincinnati. Madison. OKC. Nashville. Levittown, New York

at Governor's. I got comedy on Broadway in Kentucky. And I'm York at Governor's. I got comedy on Broadway in Kentucky. Fun room. And I'm just getting warmed up. I got Kansas City, Missouri, Portland Helium, fucking Comedy Castle, Royal Oak, one of my favorite rooms. Laugh, Boston, Philly, Moon Tower in Austin, Texas. You kept bitching me to come to Texas. I might even add a little Houston-Dallas one-nighter action

to keep your fucking eyes open. I got all kinds of shit coming. St. Louis Helium. More samorell.com slash shows. Yeah, marknormancomedy.com also. And yeah, great app. This shit kicks like a mule. And I got a good buzz going.

Maybe we'll do a patreon and see what happens you gotta get on it email us bye bye oh patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod and email us that we might be drunk pod at gmail.com we should say that too send us wrecks love emails whatever you got jokes drinks you name it and fat cat rye on the way. Tell a friend. It's coming, baby. It's so good. I can't wait for you to try it. Oh, so tasty.

And affordable. Yes, keep drinking.