We Might Be Drunk - Ep 30: JuneShine Is So Fine

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

Sam and Mark enjoy some JuneShine hard Kombucha today. Head over to Patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod to get bonus content. Also join the Discord sever: https://discord.gg/v57ntWtxuT

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, have peeps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Hiya! Here we are, folks. We're back in studio. It's a balmy summer day in Manhattan. What's shakin'? Sloppy jalopy. Good to see you, dude. You too. You got the cold up top, warm down below look. Well, you know, you rock a white shirt when it's raining out. You gotta throw something over that shit.

I just ran... First cleaning in 11 years at the dentist. Wow! Yeah, it was like going in an attic. They were pulling out cobwebs and shit. I just ran first cleaning in 11 years at the dentist. Wow. Yeah. It was like going in an attic. They were pulling out cobwebs and shit. Old porn. Yeah. Like weird prom dress.

Flashlight. Right. Right. Hot wheels track. So how was it? Was it a nightmare? Yeah, it sucked. It was actually, I went two weeks ago and they had to schedule a second one because

they were like, it was not, they're like, it's fine now. But it was like, you just got to come in more than once every 11 years. Yeah. Wow. It's crazy that I haven't because I have such an anxious mom who's always like, have you flossed? And I was like, you're asking the wrong thing. Right. If you said, have you gone to the dentist?

I would have been like, not in a decade plus. Yeah. But you take care. You brush twice a day and you floss. I don't floss really. Oh, I thought you flossed. Unless my mom's listening. Then I floss every night, mother.

I assumed all Jews flossed. Really? You guys seem like flossers. Larry David's a big floss guy. Seinfeld's a floss guy. I'm offended by that generalization. I'm offended that you think I had my shit together that much. I mean, the Jews...

Not that it's not nice, but it feels like you don't know me. Yeah, I guess it's a good point good i'm wearing shorts with a flannel mark i just assumed i mean you're circumcised right that wasn't my choice i was not consulted on that uh decision i thought jews were flossing and uh you know you had your money taken care of and he went to bar mitzvah and those two. Those two are true, but the flossing is... My mom, every day, vitamins and flossing, she will remind me, but I don't do... Occasionally, I'll floss. Sometimes I'll get the pickers.

Those are a little more fun. I like a picker. It's kind of cinnamony, and you feel like a cool guy, at least. You're not like, that shit. Yeah, God, I hate it. Hate flossing. My dad flosses religiously, and then he leaves the floss in the toilet. It's just that green yeah god i hate it hate flossing my dad flosses religiously and then he leaves the floss in the toilet you know it's just that green snake i hate it awful you see that is

the pork shoulder there's the uh the granola shoulder yeah my dad is an animal in the back he's a hairy hairy shoulders he pisses he used to piss over me when i was a kid i'd be peeing he would pee over my shoulder because he's a big, big, hulking Frenchman. That's a ballsy move. Very open in the Norman household. Over the shoulder? Over the shoulder, yeah.

Some people sword fight. He was knighting me over there. I was getting the Duke of Ellington. Sir Golden Shower. Yeah, exactly. Jesus. But yeah, flossing, it's like that Hedberg joke. He's like, you think when people say it's hard to quit smoking, it's actually harder to start flossing.

That's great. So it's a perfect analogy. Perfect, perfect. And to take a hard quit and hard start is a great technique there. Dentists are like con artists. So it's like a Ponzi scheme when you go there because I have a discoloration of my tooth and like you have to get that taken care of it's like a nerve trauma or something you must have been hit or something could it happen forever ago and i said all right yeah i'll do it and uh so i do it and then they're like and then you might want to come in and make

the others match and i'm like what is who are you the fucking wolf of uh wall street right yeah it's like the uh it's like the mechanic like hey your johnson rod is screwed up you got to come back and you you don't know anything so you're like oh i guess my molar and canine and collapser or whatever the hell it is fucked up to do it with your health because you're like a car it's a it's a material thing true with your health you're like yeah i mean i guess i have to i don't know's true. I mean, I was on my parents' dental plan, and I hated every minute. I had braces for six years. I have real teeth trauma.

I had a gap in my teeth. I had to get it fixed, all that shit. I had to wear a retainer, the tightening, the rubber bands. Right, yeah. The rubber bands were rough. Oh, did you have braces? I did, but I was so young. Oh, okay.

Smart, smart. Yeah, I was in the prime of my high school years. Brutal. So my point is I would go to the dentist every six months, which as a kid, you're like, I'm back at the dentist again. And then they do the flossing and the cleaning and they got the pick and that suction thing. Cosby's got a whole bit about it. They knock you out.

They put you to sleep. You end up using that one later, I think. Yeah, the laughing gas. But I haven't gone since. When I moved out to New York, I was like, fuck the dentist. And now I'm like, I guess I should go. Oh, yeah. You don't realize how good you have it.

I mean, I went to a dentist. They literally had to bribe you. Yes. There were these dentists. They had video games there. What? You're playing Pac-Man. I'm like, you don't want to get called in. Whoa. I never had that. They they had video games there. What? You're playing like Pac-Man. I'm like, this is all. You don't want to get called in.

Whoa. I never had that. They're playing video games. They give you a little like slime hand you could throw. What? They like bribe you with toys. You know, because they were like more outside the box dentists. Yeah, I like this.

You know, some doctors, they give you a lollipop on the way out. These guys, they're like, we got little, here's a little slime hand. So you're like, this is amazing. And it takes your head out of it because you're like ah the dentist i hate it and then you're like fuck it it tricks you they should do that with a dove why doesn't why doesn't mount sinai hospital have like a ps5 yeah they're always behind the times get a ps5 in that waiting room good point good point that would ease a lot of kids nerves and we had the goddamn the block with the wire thing that you follow remember that

who's that for what am i amish come on it's awful i i think we that's what we amazon doesn't pay taxes you make amazon send a bunch of ps5s to every hospital in the country that way you're having a bad day that takes your mind off that's brilliant i love it amazon bezos if you come back from space that's the first order of business. He's out of Amazon. What? He's done. What do you mean?

He's walking away. What? Yeah, yeah. You didn't hear that? No. No, he's done. He just has enough money. He's like, what's the point? He's the richest person, yeah. I kind of respect that.

Even after the divorce, he's like top two, I think. Yeah, I respect that because he's got all the money and he gets a ton of hate. So I would just be like, all right, I'll leave. I got all my billions and you guys can bicker i'm gonna be on jupiter it's weird he's bringing his brother yeah you see one guy paid like 28 mil or something to go with him no some rich guys like yeah i want to go to space i mean how long until they're fucking by the way i mean once you're in space with no women and you have everything, you got to fuck this guy. There's prison gay and there's ultra rich space gay. Oh, US, USR, ultra rich.

Wait, you are. USSR? No, USP, USPG, ultra rich space gay, USPG. Ultra-rich space gay. USPG. Oh, man, that's so true. Wow. What the fuck? Once you're in space for too long, yeah, it's like prison.

What are we drinking, by the way? I don't even know. Speaking of the future. What do we got? I had these. Whitney Cummings introduced me to these. Oh, wow. And me and Giannis got fucking hammered on these.

And you don't feel guilty. There's not much of a hangover. They taste great. Hard kombucha? They're actually kind of good for you. I don't think it's good for you? Well, you got cultures and vitamins and no sugar. Yeah, ripped that puppy open. I guess I should have gotten a four-pack.

I got a sixer. These are 6% alcohol, by the way. Acai berry. Remember when you learned that for the first time? That and quinoa. Those took me about six years to figure out. This looks probiotic in your booze. That's what I'm talking about.

All right. Yeah. I'm listening. Juneshine for the folks at home. They actually sent me a free case after the Whitney pod, so I'm a fan. Ooh, this smells good. Oh, yeah. Cheers. yeah cheers hey hey it's got a kick i like it i had these once at uh interesting some comedy club was it it was uh

worcester that comedy club in worcester oh yeah what's it called again i know what you're talking about they had this and i didn't love the one they had, but this is pretty good. Pretty good. Also, probiotic and antibiotic, both good. One of the rare things where they're both good. Ooh, that's interesting. Ah. Tweet it. You see what we got in the mail, too? No.

What do we got in the mail? Send to the podcast to Gotham Studios here on 38th Street. I'm really enjoying your new podcast. I've been following you separately for years. I'm glad you got together for this one. You talked about needing to try some new drinks and possibly building a bar. So I'm hoping this will come in handy. It's over 80 years old.

So lots of inappropriate slang of the day. Cheers. Kenny Lipkin from Seattle. Oh, my God. Look at this. Just cocktails. I'm holding it up if you're here. Wow.

It's wooden bound. And it's got just old timey cocktails. Whoa, look at that. Wow, this one's messed up. And it's got just old timey cocktails. Whoa, look at that. Wow, this one's messed up. The Rape Against Your Will. These are really out of date and time. Holy shit. No, this is cool.

It's got measured. Look at this. This is like old timey. Wow. Yeah. That is really cool. This is really fun to just have. We're going to build a bar here, I think.

Yeah, so please vote. We're going to build this set into a bar is this is almost a dental waiting room at this point so we need video games yeah we need a ps5 we want uh send us anything you gotta you gotta paddle that's like with a swastika on it or whatever you got a bar light a neon light uh i like the neon light yeah hell yeah anything a cigarette ashtray whatever you get something bar now we're gonna get a neon swastika no i mean you can't you can't deny that's pretty cool it's a good look look looking symbol with a neo-nazi bar anything good anything in neon i feel like is good doesn't that feel like a gay neo-nazi bar like people that just

they hate others but they also kind of hate themselves. Right, right. Exactly. Yeah. By the way, I live in the village and it's gay pride month. I am getting cat called like the world is ending. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's, I mean, you got that gay bar right across the street from you. What's the famous one? I got, I got the duplex. That's the big one. Duplex is like famous.

Famous. Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, all that shit. Great Lenny Bruce story. Joan rivers did an open mic there lenny bruce is in the audience so she's like freaking out he's the guy she's new she's young she's insecure bombs and she like ran out crying they got they heckled her they booed her or whatever it was and then he wrote a note on a napkin handed to the bartender said give it to her and it said

uh he's like you're green but you got it keep going or something she said it kept her going for 10 years damn yeah pretty cool that'd be like if you know bill burr or somebody huge gave you a whatever cocktail napkin so old school too damn and he didn't hand it to her herself so there was no awkwardness he just pretty he was she says he was the first comic to have sex appeal which i agree with because it's like rickles and henny youngman and groucho and all these kind of you know schlubby guys yeah he had like a sexiness about him also he was a bad boy yes i mean he didn't he like didn't play by the rules he fucked with cops yes exactly

made fun of religion he had black friends he liked jazz like he was in there he was like a cool guy cool guy jew from upstate new york yeah heroin addict yeah died so damn young yeah i mean that makes you cool too i know that's true like you like when you die at your peak you, you always have those pictures of you looking like a badass with a cigarette in your mouth. Yes. It's like your only pictures. Right. Like if Che Guevara was old as shit, that photo wouldn't be as reproduced. Ah, so true.

If Jesus got old, there's no story. Yeah. So true. Yeah. Bill Hicksicks another one we didn't see bill hicks live a long long enough to get old and have a podcast where he fucking he shits on everyone for selling out and then he's doing adam and eve ads you know yeah exactly yeah a lot of the old people some do it great like bob dylan seems like he's still bob dylan but yeah a lot of them just kind of seem like tinier and crankier yeah which is

okay keith richards though man that guy pull up a pic of him now if you can that guy looks i mean he looks like a like an old catcher's mitt but he he did an interview and he was still smoking he had a he had a scotch and the hat on but he he looks like an old treasure map. He looks like he'd be attached to Yvonne Rodriguez's hand. He's still going. I mean, he's got the Mickey Mantle gene, I guess. He looks cool. Well, Mickey Mantle died. Yeah, that's true.

I mean, Mickey Mantle had the gene to fight through it, but he died pretty young. Oh, he did? I mean, I don't know. Matt, how old was Mickey Mantle when he died? Wow, Richard, he looks like an old Indian. I remember Mickey Mantle with that whole, like, don't be like me speech. What? Fuck, yeah.

I mean, he was an alcoholic. I didn't know that. It's badass in your prime, but when you get older, it's rough. Man, he was a handsome guy, too. Oh, yeah. He was the guy. When I was a kid, we'd go to Mickey Mantle's for my birthday. What's that?

Yeah, he used to have a restaurant. Ah. Yeah. That was a thing. Every big he used to have a restaurant. Ah. Yeah. That was a thing. Every big athlete had to have a restaurant. They got the Michael Jordan restaurant steakhouse.

Magic Johnson's got a bunch of restaurants. Michael Jordan had everything. He'd cologne. Yeah. How old was he when he died? 63. Yeah, that's, I mean,

if you're a freak of nature athlete, that ain't good. Yeah, that's true. Maybe we should stop crediting him as the, you know. Well, he played through it. That was the toughness. I'm sure it killed him, man.

I mean, he was always in pain. Pretty good movie, HBO movie, 61. Did you see that? Billy Crystal made it. It's Thomas Jane plays Mickey Mantle. And Barry Pepper is great as Roger Maris. Oh, man. And it's about the home run chase because, you know, Maris had the breakout year for the Yankees to hit 61 home runs and beat Babe Ruth's record at the time of 60.

And it's Mantle chasing him too. And it fucked Maris up because I think everyone wanted Mickey Mantle to break the record because he was the star. Right, right. But Maris just had the incredible season. And he was kind of like a quiet guy and Mantle was more of like a star and a showman and would show up hungover as shit. There you go. I mean, that's probably why he didn't break the record. He has crazy stats.

If you look at his numbers, he was a fucking killer. Does the movie show the whole partying and everything? Oh, yeah. There's a part where you could see his liver. It's like through his skin. You could see that it's bulging. Whoa. He's like fucked, yeah.

I mean, pretty great legacy, though. Whenever we talk about Burt Kreischer, some guy who's obsessed, just keeps going, a machine, we call it the Mickey Mantle gene. Yeah, because he's just a beast. And seven is just the coolest number because of Mickey Mantle, I feel like. Uh-huh. Yankees are the only jerseys, or some of the few, at least, in baseball where you don't have the name on the back.

And I think that's kind of cool. It's kind of like old school. I like that. Yeah. It's like a team thing. Right. When did they go bad? You know, everybody's like, ah, fuck the Yankees.

They're cocky. They buy all their players. But in the old days, the Yankees felt very good to support. I don't know, man. Well, back in the day, there was like the Brooklyn Dodgers. It was the New York Yankees. Then there's the Mets. So There was the New York Yankees. Then there's the Mets.

So there's a lot of New York teams. But I don't know when people started hating them. I feel like – Cheatery maybe that time? Well, Yankees sucked from like the late 70s to the early 90s or so. They had Don Mattingly who was – we're losing people with sports. Oh, sorry, buddy. I mean, yeah, we'll wrap this up pretty quickly. But, you know, then mid-'90s, they hadn't won.

I feel like in 96 people loved them, or at least in New York they did. Yeah. But they're the evil empire to any other city. I get it, you know? And then the Mets, something so lovable about the Mets. Scrappy underdogs. Underdogs. And then they won the 86.

Yeah, with a coked-out team. With a coked out team with a coked out team how cool is that and they had keith uh whatever fernandez yeah keith hernandez and strawberry strawberry and doc good and i mean judd apatow made a great 30 for 30 on them called doc and daryl and it's like dude yeah they partied they should both be hall of famers but the amount of drugs they did it's insane damn yeah good times yeah it's also crazy doc couldn't when he was older threw a perfect game for the yankees and maybe it was a no hitter or a perfect game i don't remember but he but it was like his dad was watching from the hospital and he like caught it just before he like saw it till the end and then died isn't that crazy the dad died oh wow that was like the last thing he saw damn that's wild yeah daryl was a fucking freak yeah huge guy there's rumors he fucked between innings

wow i could see that yeah why not you know gets the heart going although i feel like i would play horribly i'd be like smoking like ah you guys go i don't care you know? Gets the heart going. Although I feel like I would play horribly. I'd be, like, smoking. Like, ah, you guys go. I don't care. You're, like, walking to the bases because you're so relaxed. You just don't care. Yeah.

You're like, what are we doing this for? Yeah, you do this to get laid. So you've already got laid. You're like, ah, fuck the game. I already scored. Oh, I had something and I lost it. What? I lost it, but it was – this is so interesting to me.

Really? Oh, yeah, dude. The fucking 60s must? I lost it, but it was, this is so interesting to me. Really? Oh, yeah, dude, the fucking 60s must have been so cool. It is funny that baseball players, these players just, like, give their name to everything. Like, Jordan just gave his name to everything. I know. I know. They all did, yeah. It's just so quaint.

You see those kids in the 60s and the 50s, and they got their glove, and they love Mattingly, and they love all those guys, but you're like, I don't feel like that. Is that still happening? Yeah, for sure. For sure. It just seems more adorable in the 50s when you're like, Mr., Mr., can I have an autograph? There's something about that. And now it's like kids are like jaded, I feel like.

Right, right. But you see stuff like players handing a kid their jersey and they still freak. I think they still freak out. I'm glad that's still a thing. It just feels like sports is almost, you know, you got CTE and we're learning all about this negative shit. Then you hear about like he beats his wife and Ray Rice and all this shit. So you're like, I don't know. It just felt more wholesome.

The less we knew, the better it was. I mean, it's like, you ever see the movie The Natural? Yeah, yeah. That's a fucking fun movie. Fun movie. Was that Robert Redford? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Classic, man. Classic. I think it won Best Picture. yeah yeah that's a fucking fun movie fun movie was that robert redford yeah yeah yeah classic man classic class i think it won best picture and and you know be careful because a woman will ruin your career uh that's the moral of that story white women something evil in you no that was a that was a good flick man and uh yeah there's something about knowing less because these guys got fucked up babe ruth got fucked up ruth was an animal he was fat but he could fucking run if you see the clips that dude could move really i thought he had the worst waddle in the business no he could move although it all looks like those old footage it all looks like it was all sped up yeah yeah you ever see the footage of jackie robinson stealing home it's like it's like the fastest thing you've ever seen you're like how the hell

because film back then was a little zippier maybe yeah you ever hear about is it ty cobb who was the that racist yeah they said he would try to cleat you whoa he'd slide in you and try to cleat you they said his racism was so bad it was bordered on dementia that's what a book said pull it up there man doesn't dan boldre have a bit about that yes that's where i got it i looked i can't remember the punchline, but he's like, I think the bit is, you know how racist you have to be to be considered that racist in 1948 or whatever? Oh, that's killer. That is so funny. Damn.

Yeah, I know. That's one of those that was out there, and he's a big baseball nut, so he grabbed it. Yeah, there's something about baseball. I feel like it's just getting killed in popularity. Well, that's slow. Not just that. You know what it is? They wouldn't give the rights to let people put shit on YouTube or on social media.

So that will kill you. I think they may do it now, but it was years they didn't do that, and other sports were doing that. Yeah, you got to do it. You got to go internet. You got to go internet. It's true. I'm not a big – I like hockey, but I'm not a huge hockey guy. It's true. I'm not a big, I like hockey, but I'm not a huge hockey guy.

But I will watch hockey fights on YouTube until the sun comes up or baseball brawls or triple plays or whatever. I just want the highlights, and I also like the backstory. To me, the backstory stuff is like the Strawberry and the Mickey Mantle. I like the guy. To me, when I just see a whole team, I check out. I like hearing about, when you tell me, I'm watching a knicks game with you and you're like that guy was a phenom and phoenix and they grabbed him and it was a big fight and they had to draft him over and i'm like oh now i'm more invested yeah because you know the people exactly that's how you get me and i remember i watched the ufc

fight with like dave smith and he was just telling me backstories these guys you're invested yes they're not just strangers. They're like, oh, I have an idea of who they are as people. Completely, completely. That's why, like, horse racing and dog racing, I'm like, it's just animals running. I don't get it. This horse was assaulted in 2019. He bounced back.

You're like, oh, no. Right. Yeah, he was molested, and they gave him drive. That's what I want. It's a black horse, so he had struggles. Yeah. he was molested and they gave him drive. That's what I want. It's a black horse, so he had struggles. He's molested, that's why he runs so quickly. He's trying to get away from his owner. Yeah, yeah, and they have great names.

Coming down the line is Diddled. This is the first time he came first. But, yeah, man, I love sports movies, too because they they make you fall like as a kid the sandlot was oh i love the sandlot or like shit man how about like dude slapshot is great we're talking so good paul newman and dark it's violent as shit racist jokes the movies that were those lines must have been considered racist then because i watched it i was like god damn don't you feel like if a director or a screenwriter or somebody came out with a movie that edgy or uh irreverent now i feel like it would blow up because we've

had so little of that it's just like nomads land and all this like heavy shit that if that came out now it would take some heat, but I think it would have huge numbers because we're just craving it. For sure. I mean, by the way, Slapshot, I believe, was written by a woman. Is that not what matters? Can we double check that? I think it was.

That's funny when people are like, this is offensive. Women are going, this is offensive. Like, it's one of you. Yes. Yeah, I love that. I love that. Yes, it was. It was Nancy Dow.

Nancy Dow. Hell yeah. Shout out to Nancy. Well, she's Yes, it was Nancy Dow. Nancy Dow. Hell yeah. Shout out to Nancy. Well, she's born in 45, so she's old school. She's old school. Good for you, Nance. What else did she make? Oh, that's it.

Toxic femininity. She got canceled. That was it. And she's from Massachusetts, which is also pretty balls to the wall out there. I mean, that movie, when the kids just go in, the Hanson brothers go in, and they just start beating the shit out of everyone. No one on the team can play, so they just fight teams. Yeah, the goons.

They beat the shit out of them. And one of the guys on the bench goes, this is a fucking disgrace. By the way, I'm sorry, Matt. Now you're on fucking full duty here. But did you see that photo? It's going around the internet of this hockey player, pro hockey player, is skating. And he passes by the glass with all the fans. And these two girls have a sign that says, hey, Jeff, do you remember we both blew you in high school?

Wow. And he's like smiling and laughing. It's a great image. Wow. Yeah. There's a woman who claims she blew seven of the phoenix suns oh wow and they're in the western conference finals right now so she's taking credit for their success she's like i got good for her bump yeah there it is tyler number 19 we sucked your dick in high school

do you remember us and they're waving it's so fun to see women blowing guys and owning it ladies this is what it's all about. Look at that smile on his face. But it's also like they might be hanging on to this a little too long. Well, of course. These are sad ladies. Imagine if they're married. The husbands are like, can you stop?

Can you stop going to games and telling players you blew them? You're ruining hockey for me. It's like my favorite thing. They're just on TV. They're like, she fucking, she blew him? It's my favorite player. I know. I'm going to start doing this at the ballet. Like, hey, Sylvia, remember I ate your ass in grade school? thing they're just on tv they're like she fucking she blew him it's my favorite player i know i'm gonna start doing this at the ballet like hey sylvia remember i ate your ass in grade school

or whatever like we've we've do it to them we have a friend who uh who's going out with someone and they broke up and she's he's a big knicks fan and she started dating one of the knicks oh and he was like i can't watch the guy. I can't root for him. It's ruining the games for me. What a nightmare. That would kill me. Oh, God. Yeah.

I mean, it'd be like if our ex started banging some giant comedian or something. Or like, oh, I'm blowing Bill Murray now. I'm like, ah, come on. I got to go see his movies. We make a Groundhog Day. She blows him every day. We groundhog day She blows him every We find out that she blows him every day Oh god

You know There's something about that too Where it's like By the way If any of my exes Start dating a Nick That's fucked up Because they never watched the game

When I was dating you Ah So you can't just You can't just pretend You're into it now Good point I'm having another one Of these kombuchas

Do it man They go down easy It's a day It's a day drink, man. Yeah, yeah. It's great. Just a nice fruity kick. Oh, yeah.

I love it. I love the sound of a can opening, too. What do you got on a peeve? Okay, this is a peeve against me. I'm calling out myself because I caught myself doing this, and I'm not pleased with myself. Oh, turning the gun on yourself. It's when people thank you before you did the thing.

There's almost like a sense of entitlement. I did it to someone at my agency. I just said, hey, can you take care of this? Thanks. I was doing it to be polite, but I read it and I was like, ooh, I don't like that I said thanks before she said yes, I'll do it.

Interesting. I think it's a little rude. And by the way, I'm going to double call myself out. Okay. I wrote THX instead of thanks. How busy am I that I can't write the full thanks? Double peeve, gunna myself. Yeah, you're gone.

That was a little Hollywood move there. A little bit, hey, get on it, assistant. Thanks. She wasn't even an assistant. I know, but I'm just bit, hey, get on it, assistant. Thanks. She wasn't even an assistant. I know, but I'm just saying that's how they talk to their assistant. I'm with you. But at least you said thanks. I said thanks again when she did it.

Okay, that helps. I think you're okay and you caught it, but I get it. But it's a dick move. Yeah, it's a bit of a dick move there. Yeah. Thanks. Can you do this? Thanks.

So I used to be a busboy, and our dishwasher was like this curmudgeon old guy, like old guy cigarette smoke. He had that smock on, you know, that plastic smock that dishwashers wear. And one time a guy goes, he handed him a rack of glasses. He goes, can you do this rack of glasses next? We're kind of hurting at the bar. Thanks. And he goes, can you do this rack of glasses next? We're kind of hurting at the bar. Thanks.

And he goes, I didn't say yes yet. And the guy was like, well, I'm just saying. He was like, wait till I say yes. Then you say thanks. And the guy was like, okay, okay. He was just like an old cunt. But I never forgot that. So I always say thanks after.

I just don't want to come off as a dick. Yeah, well, texting also gives you a little, there's some blurred lines there. So I think you're okay. Yeah, but I caught it and I was like, I don't want to come off as a dick yeah well texting also gives you a little there's some blurred lines there so i think you're okay yeah but i caught it and i was like i don't like that i i appreciate it i called my i called the peeve on myself yes see look at that internalizing not enough people internalize what uh what do you got this is a weird peeve but it drives me fucking nuts and i hope i haven't brought this up before but i had a problem with the drinking podcast i know i know it's all a blur but i was talking to a guy over the weekend great guy nice guy but he has the phlegm in the throat and every conversation it's just every sentence has that gurgle and you go you want to just go clear it just clear the pipes clear the throat and then we'll start talking but i all i can focus on is that bubbling up in the back.

You can hear the bubble. Ah, it drives me crazy. I can't handle it. Yeah, you expect him to go, ugh, and then it just shoots into your face. Ah, exactly, exactly. And we can all hear it. It's back there. It's rumbling.

It just changes the whole conversation. I didn't focus on one thing he said. And I've become a little more germaphobic in the last couple years just because not like i'm like a freak but i'm just like ah it's just like it's there something's wrong clearly yeah right i like i'll take a cold ease when the second i feel anything my throat i just don't want to travel sick smart smart even even like meet and greets i'm shaking, hey, can we just do a fist bump? Because if I shake 200, 250 hands, I'm going to get a cold. Going to get a cold, yeah.

So I just try to do fist bump. I feel like it's a little better. Wash my hands after. I never used to do that. But I'm like, if I get sick two less times a year, it's worth it. Of course, of course. Well, two questions. Yeah.

Do you get nervous about overcorrecting with the Purell and the Coldies and all that? Purell? It's not really Purell as much. I'll just use soap. I'll wash my hands. Okay, okay. But yeah, the Coldies, I don't do it a ton, but if I feel something coming on, the whole thing is it shortens cold.

So I'm like, let me get ahead of it. Yeah, that's pretty good. I just think zinc is good for you. Zinc is killer. It can't beat zinc. Yeah. I am so grateful my mom just threw me in the dumpster when I was six and just said deal with it. I feel like you're never sick.

Never sick. Never wash my hands. I never wear condoms. But you ever try it? This guy helps me get through stuff. What's this? Check that out. And that's not even a sponsor.

That's a free plug there, Noon. What's Noon? It's basically like if I'm hungover, I pop one of those. Electrolytes. If I have a long, yeah, electrolytes. And that one has caffeine. So when you're hungover, it really gets you back into it. Wow.

Puts it right in the drink. It ain't cheap either. Those are like seven bucks each. Yeah, but you get a bunch of them. Ten servings. Ten servings, yeah. Yeah, that's not bad. That's not bad.

Not bad. It's less than a dollar a serving. Oh, there you go. Oh, this is interesting. Yeah, I'll do Pedialyte sometimes. I'll do... Pedialyte's good. But again, you got to get Pedialyte early.

Sometimes I'll wake up and chug Pedialyte because I'm hungover and it's not the same. Ain't the same. You got to get it before you're hungover. I'm a big believer you got to do pizza the night before. You got to have something doughy in your body. Soak it up. Soak it up, man. Yeah.

All right. So those are the, man. Yeah. All right. So those are the peeves. Yeah. Clear the throat. I had a toast. I want to remember what it was. Oh, I love a toast. Keep some positive energy flowing.

I got a weird one. Please. So I'm just at the dentist, and this is mostly a dentist place thing, but it's other places will do it too sometimes. You see it occasionally. Places that have mouthwash in the bathroom. Public.

Well, yeah, you just have a paper shot cup. Oh, yeah. Sometimes you see places have that. That's true. Sometimes a nice restaurant will have that. Such a classy move. That is very nice, yeah. Because how often am I like, ah, God, do you have any gum?

I'm on a date or whatever it is. And you're eating garlicky Chinese food, whatever it is. So, yeah, that's good. I eat a lot of garlic. I eat a lot of spicy foods. I've never been out and been like my breath. I've always thought I could use a little bump. Of course.

What's it hurt? I think that's a great toast to the free mouthwash. Free mouthwash. Good call. We don't need the attendant. Let's not go crazy. We don't need the attendant. Let's not go crazy. We don't need the old black guy with the towel on his arm and a red jacket. Any race.

It's the presence that's a problem. Well, I feel like the racial thing makes it more guilty. I'm like, oh, I got to tip this guy. He's got a bunch of loose mints, you know, and I got a family. But I just feel like we don't need the attendant. It's a forced forced weird forced gig i remember there was a guy the seller who used to always be like nicks i'd be like yeah and i used to have a show in their network he'd be like get me a get me a porzingis jersey he was like and i was like i

don't get shit for free yeah this guy wants me to just buy him like 120 jersey right right i was like i don't get it for free he's like yeah right you have a show on their network. I was like, I don't get it for free. Yeah, like, can I take a dump? I'm just trying to shit. Now I got to get you gifts. There was a, remember the comedy club comics and the meatpacking? Oh, my God. It was like the best.

Great club, but it was a little hoity-toity because it was in this rich area. So they had a bathroom attendant, and that was like my home club. I was there four times a week. So I knew the bathroom attendant, nigerian guy great guy but i would come out of the bathroom and he'd be like whoa that was a big shit i'm like all right what are you doing kenny you're killing me so now i gotta give him a fiver just like hey keep that on the reps they can't say that i know we were close though and he was like he's like i'm at a comedy club. It's part of it. He was trying to be funny.

And it was kind of a nightmare. That's like a personal. That should be like a sanctuary. That's a personal space. You should not be getting ball busted in the bathroom. I don't care for that. I'm going to say right now, on record. Didn't love it.

I remember I was in Times Square. We used to go see movies in Times Square all the time after school. Because we could double up in those big theaters. Sure. We could see two. And I just – I don't know what I ate, but it wasn't good. And it was like a liquid dump in the bathroom. And I hear a father and son right outside just hearing me do this. Oh, boy.

And the dad to his son goes, ooh, that boy has got the shits. And they both laughed their ass off and it was like that was a pretty low point in my life just having them like laugh and mock my shit while i'm just stuck in pain it's the most vulnerable moment of your life yeah uh i got one of those yeah comedy works in denver i was hung over out of my mind because you know you party in denver it's a great town great town i was opening for schumer this is how long ago this is. She was headlining the Comedy Works, the comedy club. And Pete Holmes was doing a college in town, so he dropped in. So he did a guest set.

Back in that day, I don't know what Pete Holmes is doing now. You know Pete Holmes from Crashing. He was like lights out murderer comedian. He was so good. I'm not saying he's not anymore. I'm just saying I don't see him around i see him all the time in new york murdered i guess that he probably did six minutes and it was like like they were going nuts they were on that club is hot too and that club is the hottest club and

i was hung over so now i'm watching him murder and i got in my head and the anxiety and the sweat and all that and i had like a set i did okay i got through it but it wasn't great and then schumer was you know schumer so she fucking annihilated but at one point she's kind of like 30 minutes in and i had to have the hangover shit i'm sweating i'm shitting blood i'm tripping my legs are trembling and i'm shitting in the stall of the comedy club the public bathroom and these guys come in they're peeing they wash their hands like man how about that tall guy huh pete whatever he was fucking amazing and then the other guy's like i know it and schumer is murdering and he goes what do you think about the the guy in the middle and he goes

not great and i was like ah i'm in the stall shitting my pants are on my ankles i'm shitting water i'm hung over and i could hear it was it was soul crushing that's that's another reason to hate the non-green room toilet. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's happened to me many times. I remember I bombed a gig. I was working with Al Lubell many, many years ago. Wow. Al Lubell, great comic.

Give him a goog. Oh, man. Check his Lettermans out. He's so funny. So funny. And such a sweetheart of a guy. Interesting mind. Yeah, we're working together.

And I had kind of a rough one opening for him and he did a great job and i did not so i it was the exact same thing i'm in the bathroom toilet hear the people saying man that opener was rough and uh i'm just in there like listening to it and the part of me is like do i wait for them to go you know do i have to just am i a hostage now in the fucking stall i have to wait for these people to stop they were just like yeah not funny i walk out i was like you know what fucking i'm a i'm a man i'm going out i went out and they saw me and they go sorry it was almost worse that they saw me they're like yeah it's like they forgot i was a human being right right yes you have feelings

which is what the internet is that's what comments are you're like oh these you have feelings, which is what the internet is. That's what comments are. You're like, oh, these people have feelings. They don't know that. Yeah. Damn, you got a comment section in real time. In real time. And they just hit me with the sorry. I was like, what could he do? I like that you're like, I'm a man.

I'm going out there. Like, no, no. Be a man and keep your dignity. Stay in the stall, I say. Nothing to gain from going out there. Yeah. You got a rec? that's a big thing with guys i'm a man but it's not always good it's not manly it's almost like see what you did yeah

right right this is a weird wreck i'm going out outside the gate here but i was in uh texas this weekend doing gigs and san antonio san an. How was it? Killer. Great. Did some rock clubs. My first rock club tour. And it was different for you, so it was kind of a risk. Kind of a risk, and it went well.

They pay better. It's weird. They pay better if you sell it out. If you don't sell it out, you're fucked. But if you sell it out, it's better than the club. Did you sell it out?

We sold out of some of them, so I think it worked out. But either way, we sold a ton of merch. Great city, San Antonio. Great city. Great people. They party. And they have some of the, so I think it worked out. But either way, we sold a ton of merch. Great city, San Antonio. Great city, great people. They party. And they have some of the best Mexican food you'll ever eat.

Amazing Mexican food. Yeah. Good people. The river center's pretty. I loved it. But me and my guy, I use this guy Andrew Youngblood on the road. He has Secret Group. He's that guy.

Oh, yeah. Great comic, great dude, great hang. We got really shithoused one night we both couldn't stop doing shots of tequila we went out to an after party after the bar i mean it just got ugly either way we had this big plan to float the river that's the big thing and said you float the river on a tube and have a couple high lives i've never done this i've walked the board the is it the boardwalk the river walk the river walk sorry i and have a couple highlifes. I've never done this. I've walked the boardwalk. The riverwalk. The riverwalk.

Sorry, I've walked it so many times. Yeah. Well, this is like it's 30 minutes outside, but he's like, it's so fun. It's a beautiful day. Let's get our skivvies on and just get some sun and chill out and beat this hangover in the sun. I said, great. He's like, but we got to go early. All right.

We'll meet at 11, whatever. I'm so hung over i wake up at one you know i missed the day and i was like i can't move man i i'm i'm 37 years old i can't wait how do you do shows like this exactly so he's like well this is bad he's like i'm hung over too but he's like you're incapacitated i was swollen and just it was bad i never ate and all that so he goes i got an idea but it's going to be expensive and i said uh-oh did you do the the uh iv we did the iv how much did you drop on this ah well that's the other thing when you're hung over money is no object because you're just like

it's 250 i nailed it you nailed it and then he he was my opener and i'm the headliner so i'm like ah get one for him too so now we're laying in my hotel room and I'm the headliner, so I'm like, ah, get one for him, too. So now we're laying in my hotel room, and we got these two IVs, and this nice older lady is just putting us in. She's like, oh, I do this shit all day long with you fucking finance bros. I'm like, we're not finance bros. We're fucking— We're artists. Yeah, we're artists, goddammit.

They do that—all the bros do that on Billions. That's the whole thing. Yes, yes. And Chappelle does it on tour, too. Oh, does he? Yeah, I mean, the funny thing is, you're getting that hung over. You said all the bros do that on Billions. Yes. And Chappelle does it on tour, too. Oh, does he? Yeah. I mean, the funny thing is, like, your body, it's like you're getting that hungover. Your body is telling you you got to chill.

So it's really just, it's not healthy. No, no. I wouldn't let it happen. My neck's always that, and I just fucking pound muscle relaxers. And people tell me, like, yeah, that's a fucking band-aid over a wound. You're fucking not. Exactly. Yeah.

So, but boy, boy i mean it works and you drank again the next night with that night we drank again and we called the lady too she was so nice i got her number and she was like i was like is it okay we drink she's like actually yeah you're healthier than ever like you're you're better off than you were the first night damn so we we did it all over again but uh man that shit it hurts like hell going in but yeah boy right when it comes in you're like oh my god i'm superman you can feel it going through your body and whooshing through you it's worth it i got the 275 package oh what's in there she goes there's 250 which is the regular that's what i got for andrew but she's like you're in such bad shape the two the extra 25 dollars gets you going quicker like it doesn't have to process through

you it just shoots right in i said give it to me give me the vip like viagra but for your whole body yes exactly jesus it for me it just leveled me out and killed the hangover andrew he was like the rock you know so damn Damn. It was awesome. But don't make a habit of it. No, no, for sure. I mean, I happened one year at Mother's Day. I collapsed at the dinner table. I was so hungover, and they had to take me to the ER.

What? Yeah, and I got the IV, and I was like, I'm fucking rocking. Yeah, wow, great Mother's Day gift, by the way. She was devastated. How old were you? Sorry, Mom, 19. Oh, man. Still in the teens. Yeah, it wasn't good.

Woo, boy. Maybe 20. I don't know. I'm impressed you made it to the dinner. She was not happy. Yeah, those IV drips are a game changer. But you're right. They're fucking not healthy.

Not healthy. I mean, you can't fuck with nature. You're right. You have a hangover for a reason. But boy, Every now and then If you're in a pinch Because we had two shows that night No I mean that's

You're saving the shows Exactly And I did an Instagram live Of me doing the IV and everything And so people saw it They got a little Some buzz going That's so good

It went on Reddit And all that shit And then the shows sold out And I went out there And I was like Kind of woozy And they were like Ah he's coming in going that's so good it went on reddit and all that shit and then the show sold out and i went out there and i was like kind of woozy and they were like it was like my flu game i said three jokes twice you know uh you know my order was the third time they hit again the second time like what the fuck i got what the fuck exactly exactly And we brought the IV lady. We got her free tickets. And she came out with her daughter.

Yeah, it was really cool. Oh, my God. Yeah, so it was a wild weekend. But Andrew. That shit works if you're sick, too, I think. If you have a really bad cold. I believe it. That's fucking amazing.

Yeah, it's just vitamins and all the electrolytes going right in you. There's no middleman. Damn. Good times. What a wreck. Great wreck. Damn. Good times. What a wreck. Great wreck. One of the best. You were kind of a little skeptical going into this wreck.

You're like, is he going to be on board? Well, it's so unrelatable. But it's a fucking wreck. Let's be broad with our wrecks. Yes. It's a hell of a wreck. Going broad. And that's a toast, too, to the IV lady.

Toast to Andrew for thinking of it. But he was like, the show must go on. The show is an hour late. What a name, too. Youngblood. I know. If your last name is Youngblood, no one's calling you Andrew. Yeah, good point.

That's a fucking cool name. Young, just say, yo, Youngblood. That's a cool name. Jewish guy. You'd think he was a Native American or something, but it's Jewish. Youngblood. I know. Also a good name for adrenochrome.

Youngblood. i know also uh also a good name for adrenochrome young blood you know that's what like you know these uh these crazy epsteins are drinking young blood is that what it's called adrenochrome did i get that right i don't know what the hell you're talking about i don't know what the fuck laughing with the fucking i have no idea what you're talking oh that's the q anon thing adrenochrome they say these elites drink kids' blood. Yeah, it's crazy. It's all crazy, but it's fun to joke about. Q, man. Adrenochrome.

Yeah, Jesus Christ. Yeah, but this IV stuff, it's just funny that humans are so advanced that we're like, we will find a way to keep getting fucked up and invent things like this IV. Apparently, doctors do it. Finance guys do it.'s yeah i know i knew a friend he's like a friend of a friend who's a doctor and he's like i do it to myself all the time he's like i'm thinking of starting a side business of it and i was like oh yeah i mean yeah i mean people when you're hung over you're like you say i will do anything to stop this oh so what's 250 bucks if you got that to burn? Burn it. How many times have I spent money, tons of unnecessary money on a takeout or like to food delivery?

Because I'm like, I'm so hungover. Here's $80 for a burger and some fries. And then you get like eight Diet Cokes and two Gatorades. You get it all sent to your house because you're just so hungover. But money is no object because you're in pain. Being in a takeout bums me out. I ordered pizza from like a very reputable pizza place last night. You get it all sent to your house because you're just so hungover. But money is no object because you're in pain. What are you going to take out? It bums me out. I ordered pizza from a very reputable pizza place last night.

Fucking delivery. The flavors were good. The pie was soggy as fuck. I cannot stand a soggy delivery pie, man. I'm a New Yorker. It hurts my soul. I'm with you. And they feel like they got you because

you're like it's here i guess i gotta take it what am i gonna send it back it's tough because there's a place i really like they do weird slices it's called pizza collective all right it's a new york city spa i'm gonna shout it out they do a carbonara slice they do a casio a pepe slice they do weird ass slices but i don't think it's a gimmick i think the pizza is actually pretty good and uh part of town i don't know it's like 72nd i think oh it's good it's really good uh there you go yeah how's the how are the ratings there am i crazy it's got five stars or 4.5 that's pretty good pretty good yeah no i think it's real solid closes at 10 though what the hell is that?

That killed me last night. They fucked me last night. Everything's closing early, man. We may as well live in... Yeah, look at those slices, man. Whoa! They're crazy creative, which I love. And look at that dough, that bun, or the bread is so fluffy and flaky.

They're crunchy slices. I want a crunchy slice. What's with these soggy fucking slices? Interesting. See, I got to push back. I don't like the thick. I like a thin crust. What if the thick crust is still crispy, though?

All right, I'll give you that. It's crispy. Yeah, but they all look like grandma slices. They're grandma. Yeah, they're Sicilian. They're all Sicilian. To me, that's a lot of bread. I want the cheese.

I want the sauce. I want the topping. Dude, I'm telling you. But these look pretty great. No, no, no. It's almost like a croissant pizza. You're going to like it. Remember Bagel Bites?

Bagel Bites. Pizza on a bagel. We can eat pizza anytime. Never got into them. I mean, I definitely had friends who had them in the freezer, but I never... I see in that bag in the freezer was like... But I love pizza and I love bagels. In New York, those are like our two things.

So I was just like, I'm not wowed. It feels like a hacky... If a guy was half Jew, half Italian, I'm a bagel bite. That sounds like a hacky comedian. That's what it was. Yeah killed but there were there were people in the back going yeah we were unimpressed the snobs in the back were unimpressed i mean i was a kid h and is before h and h closed i mean my dad would go running and come back with h and h bagels that was like our sunday morning tradition and it's like you're just having

the bagel freshest bagels on the planet h H&H. Yeah. What happened? Why did they go under? They were the number one. I have no idea. I have no idea what happened. And what is the ultimate? Because I don't I'm not a bagel guy. What is the ultimate bagel in New York? I think there's a few great spots. I like Essa Bagel. I've heard of Essa. I like I i like i love barney you can't go wrong with barney greengrass that's a great spot that's the jew mecca russ and daughters very legit yeah okay uh man there's a few places in brooklyn i liked i mean shit i used to always go to the uh bagel smith and williamsburg they're pretty solid so you can tell a good bagel like i think anyone can tell a good bagel i'm not like i have a fucking gift it's it's you know they're they're well made they're fresh because there are people who are like i'll never i'll never get a bagel on toast and you're like well you've never had a good bagel

interesting if it's fresh out of the oven you don't need to get it toasted okay i'm learning i see it's too much i would scoop it. We could scoop it. Okay. There's nothing against scooping a bagel if it's too much, but I'm just saying, what do you put on it? I like lox and sour cream. Sour cream? I mean, cream cheese. Oh, okay.

I was like, what the fuck? I almost got stabbed here with a menorah. That was terrifying. The Mexican bagel. Yeah, man. I fucking love a good bagel what can i say yeah yeah it's all it's all bread let's be honest it's just you're eating bread yeah but you gotta go everything so what is a challah challah is like a it's like a puffy bread i don't know the ingredients but it rises ah it's like a it's like a really it's like a cloud oh i don't know the holla you don't pull up a picture of the holla i hear about a holla they always say that on the uh you have

holla french toast no it's fucking amazing that looks like a marble rye yeah oh that's good that's holla yeah no it's really good that's great bread very eggy it's really good all right all right i'm into it yeah that's great bread i don't like people that are married to just a plain challah. Like, who are they doing here? They're making it almost looks like a pretzel challah right there. Yeah, and then you get cheese and stuff. Get innovative, baby. Oh, yeah.

Live a little. I got a weird rec for you. Please. And this is strictly for travelers. Because we're travelers, man. We're on the road every week. This has made, I fucking hate hotel soap. It makes me crazy.

I bring my own bar of soap. I got a little travel case. I don't like body wash. I fucking hate hotel soap. It makes me crazy. I bring my own bar of soap. I got a little travel case. I don't like body wash. I like a fucking bar. I hate body wash. I'm a bar man. I'm with you. I was on the road.

I bought a bar, and I was like, why don't I do this every week? You get that shitty hotel bar. You can't even get it to foam. It's like you're trying to make fucking fire with your hands. Yes. It's stiff, and it doesn't lather. No lather. It's like putting a bathroom tile against your hands. Yes. It's stiff and it doesn't lather. No lather. It's like putting a bathroom tile against your skin.

You're getting nothing out of it. Awful. And I'll check my pits after I use it and they still stink. They stink. So what am I doing here? I'm so depressed. Just having a fucking bar in the shower, you're like, why don't I do this every week? Bought the little travel case for the soap.

Makes such a difference doesn't that get a little slimy though with the residue and the wetness and the lather in there i don't know i got the case i know but i feel like the case gets all gooey and hasn't gotten gooey at all all right i don't want it to get gooey i used to keep it in the ziploc i used to do the same thing the ziploc yeah that'll get gross it got gross you got to get a case okay give me a case link if you got one oh they sell them at fucking walgreens what do you mean a case link i don't know i thought i'm picturing like a cool glass cigarette look at that thing call amazon get it for three dollars a case link you can't fucking google case i like the idea of like the old guys in the 30s had the cigarette case and you're like soap case it's like a brass sexy little case that flips open well dude the cigarette

cases look badass oh yeah you gotta have that if you had not just a cigarette case but like the personal that was the whole thing you had a gold cigarette case you're like this motherfucker's rich oh yeah i even like those old cop flip wallets. You know, they would flip the badge down. Oh, badass. I love a flip. I stole a fireman's badge once. What? Yeah.

My family went on vacation to Florida, and I got drunk, and I found a fireman's badge in a cab, and I stole it. And I was like, this will be funny to just whip out of my friends at parties. And my mom and dad found it. I was getting way too drunk all the time, and i was high as shit one day and they found it and they gave me an intervention and my mom flashed the badge at me oh that's great it was brutal she's like you have a problem she's like what is this and i was high as shit like i was gonna mail it back oh you were never gonna mail it back i had nothing she got you there i had nothing and it's like you're trying every angle of the kid

you're like i i i don't know my mom would find cigarettes or weed i would just be like it's because of you and i'd run out because i was like i i didn't have anything else right right you hurt me i'm traumatized you're bad parents i'm calling social services they're like shut up you literally give me an intervention because over fucking weed and a fireman's badge that's hilarious can you imagine them finding a fireman's badge they're just like what the fuck you had uh it's not what is that called contraband like you have weed and you have like cop stuff that's yeah that's illegal like she's like he's living a double life and it's like so dumb it's a fireman's badge like you can do shit with a cop badge right you can impersonate what can you do with a fireman's

badge you just hold it up they're like there's a fire go over there i'm coming to this bar i'm checking your meter yeah that's true but i mean it could work at a bar with a lady like oh i gotta get back to the station well what do you do let's flip that badge and the panties are dropping like you're the least jack fireman i've ever seen in my life i'm like they need one of us yes i take care of the dalmatian that's my thing i get the cat out of the tree our Our friend Rachel Feinstein had a friend. No, she had an ex-boyfriend who just faked a limp and claimed he was in the Iraq War. What? And he wasn't. He was like, I was in the war.

Wow. And he just wasn't. And she was just like, you just lied about being in the war and having a limp. And he was like, yeah. Wow, man. So that's worse than me just having a fireman's badge. Way worse. At least you have something tangible.

This guy's going off a fake limp. Oh, my God. This guy's a sociopath. That's commitment, though. Commitment. The weird thing is when he's fucking the chick and he walks to the bathroom. She's like, hey, what was that? No limp there?

He's like, oh, it comes and goes. Kaiser Sosa? Yeah. Yeah. The mug drops in slow motion. She's like, wait a it comes and goes. Kaiser Sosa? Yeah. Yeah, the mug drops in slow motion. It's like, wait a second. Oh, man. Isn't that sad?

I was thinking about this in the shower today. Because we go back to movies every 10 seconds. We're movie buffs. They were such a big part of our lives. And I don't feel like that's the case anymore. Now, some kid's quoting a TikTok or something. And I'm the old boomer queef. But they're always there.

You can always go back to them. If you want to like. But they're always there. You can always go back to them. If you want to like movies, they're always there. Of course they're there, but they're so long. And I feel like people now, young people don't, can't handle that whole arc of a two hour or an hour and a half film. I'll say this. I was, I was with the lady last night and we're watching Heat. Speaking of long, it's a three hour movie.

But so good. It's good. It's a good movie. movie. But so good. It's good. It's a good movie. So long. She could not get into it. Not get into it. It's amazing. She has something against Robert De Niro.

What? And it took her fucking forever to warm up to Midnight Run. It took her. She's a little younger. It took her. She couldn't do Casino because she's seen Goodfellas and The Irishman. Ah, yeah, yeah. So she's like, it's just the same movie.

I'm like, it is, but you don't understand. I'm trying to defend Scorsese. And it's a true story in defense of the movie. But it is tough. I understand if you're like, it's already not your genre. And you're like, you know, Tommy did this. It's like the same tone of every movie. Right, right.

Yeah, exactly. With the music and the Motown and the suits and the car. I get it. And my girl's the same tone of every movie right yeah exactly but uh music and the motown and like yeah the suits and the car i get it but and my girl's the same way it's like she just can't get into it and then i go you know this director uh diddled uh a kid i'm talking about polanski she's like he did now she's googling that she's like now this is a movie i'm like what are you getting this guy's a genius come on you're killing me i turned around aown, which is like, I think top one of the top movies of all time. Oh, forget about it. Forget about a girl on Chinatown.

She loved it. But she was like, that's she could not believe it. How dark the ending was. Yeah. You know, it was like, yeah, you used to be able to make a hit with that. Right. Right. People weren't.

It's not people. I think people would still embrace it. I think it's fucking studios, right. People weren't, or it's not people. I think people would still embrace it. I think it's fucking studios, man. I think they're cowards, and they won't make a dark movie anymore. A lot of them do bomb, I guess, though. A lot of them do bomb. Well, Chinatown was best picture, I think. Was it?

Yeah. It's incredible. It's incredible. I just thought of a great sitcom for you and your gal. Yeah. This is such a relatable premise. It's the older guy. I'm not saying older, but you're older than her.

I've got seven years on her. Yeah, same with mine. Exactly the same, seven years. The attention span versus the movie guy. I mean, just you trying to show her shit and her being like, this is boring and he's a predator so I can't support him and you're like i know but it's genius work i mean this is a fascinating dichotomy i mean we were watching la confidential and she was like i wish we had spacey back and i'm like thank you like i'm not saying like i'm not saying what he did is okay

yeah but i'm saying yeah i miss him a little He's amazing. Can we admit that we missed the work a little bit? Of course. He's in a ton of great pictures. Also, he's a talent. You ever seen him on a James Lipton show? Yeah, he's great. He does like 20 different impressions. He does Pacino.

He does De Niro. They're all killer. Oh, he's great. All the hard ones. Yeah, yeah. Good point. He does Walken, too. Walken's such hack.

But yeah, I'm just saying. I loved him on Lipton. He was great. And in such hack. But yeah, I'm just saying. I loved him on Lefty. He was great. And he's like, you know, I heard he's a real dickhead, but he is great. Yeah. It is hilarious that he plays Bobby Darin, like literally 14 years. He's like 14 years older than Bobby Darin was when he died. And he's playing like young Bobby Darin.

Oh, yeah, right. And you're like, this is the fucking dude that needs to be checked a little bit a little bit of a stretch you need you need a friend who's like you're old right you're playing a teen idol and you're fucking 50 yeah yeah no and he's still good in the movie like yeah he's great because he can sing and he can dance and you're like and then you see what bobby deron looked like and you're like it is fucked up that he kind of looks like him yeah but he's just old he's old yeah but man gays are so talented it's insane yeah what is that i was talking to alex english last night funny comic i love alex great guy and we had this long guy too big pistons fan is that right huge he was at the fucking malice of the palace oh wow the big fight wherever with

the fan fighting the fans he was a kid, yeah. He's a Detroit guy? Big Detroit guy, yeah. I didn't even know that. Well, he's a cool cat, and we were just talking about, he's like, isn't it weird that there are unfunny gay comics? I'm like, yeah, there's a couple of unfunny gay comics. He's like, I know. Who's funnier than gays?

Just the trauma. We have to come out to our parents, and he's black. So he's like, and I'm in the black thing, we're black people are very religious so now you got that aspect so like we got to figure out how to make light on all this shit and i'm like that is a great point i never thought about that yeah and it's so true but like that's why gay guys are so into art and like theater and all this shit because they that it's an escape and they want to express and they go out and they sing and they dance and uh and they do comedy and he's like so it's weird when i meet an unfunny gay comic because it's like are you kidding you've been through so much you can't be funny yeah but just going

through tragedy doesn't make you talented point although i think with gays being talented in the arts at least it's like a lot of them rebel from you're more accepted in the arts than you are in sports right so just you could be a talented gay athlete i mean but one of the first i think it's one of the first nfl players for the raiders just came out as gay that's how rare it is and the arts you're embraced so i mean you're and you're celebrated so it's like do you want to be celebrated in spite of being who you are in sports, or do you want to be celebrated because of who you are in the arts? Yeah, good point, good point.

We had Michael Sam. But he was a college player when he came out, I believe. Oh, okay, okay. And then, yeah, I think he played for the Rams for like a minute, but he didn't last long. A couple of gay basketball players. John Amici was a gay player. One of the Collins brothers is gay, I think, too. I think Jaron.

Playing for the Rams, though. That's a tough name for a gay player. You got to ram it in there. Yeah, you know. Is it Jason? Yeah, they were twins. What? Both gay?

I don't think so. Thank God they weren't connected. I know, right? I got to watch you do this gay shit. Yeah, what do you call that? Siamese? Siamese. Yeah, yeah.

Is that racist? Conjoined? Conjoined. There you go. Yeah. I wonder how Siamese got tied into that. I don't know. The Siamese cats.

Yeah, this guy just came out. Carl Nassib. First openly active player. I mean, there was a show back in the day on ESPN called Playmakers, and there was a gay player, and he was the tight end, unsurprisingly. Not really using your imagination here, writing staff. Yeah, well, at least it wasn't a wide receiver. All right.

And then there's fucking – they were trying to do every taboo. So there's a running back who's, like, been weathered, and he, like, hit his girlfriend. And they were like – and he was like, you're expecting me to be violent on the field and not bring that back home? And we're like, yes, that's actually exactly what we're expecting. For you to be violent in your sport and not beat up a woman. Yes, yes, exactly, exactly. That is tough, though, because we can still be funny at home.

That's true. We can go back and make a joke. But it's different. Of course. I mean, I was talking to a porn star in the front row of my show in Tampa the last year. Great. By the way, Tampa's the best. I love performing there.

Oh, yeah. How was that? We didn't even get into it. Incredible. I sent you a video of me with Bobby Jewell. Did you see that? Oh, yeah. I didn't know who it was for a second, but then I got it.

Bobby Jewell, the legendary owner of Tampa. So you did end up going out with him? No, he came to the club one night. We hung, but he had a few in him. He brought us all pizza. He used to run the club and he would get sauced. He was a lot of fun. Legend. Legendary guy. Would give you a ton of shit. He would be, you know what I like

about you, Morel? You're old school. I'm like, I think I'm just a regular guy. He'd be like, you could take a beating. I'm like, I don't want to take a beating. He'd pick me up hammered in his uh mercedes convertible singing jersey boys you're just driving big girls they don't cry all right too big catches a little wind you're like all right bobby i'm gonna put that top up. Yeah, yeah. Great guy. Funny guy. Old, old fashioned, just crooner, drunk, womanizer, like everything. Every time he has a breakup, I'm like, well, it sounds like you really finally met the girl. You know, it's good for you.

And he'll be like, oh, please. She dumped me this morning. I would have left her ass in the dirt if it didn't happen myself. Like never has a moment where you're like, you OK? He's like, please. Yeah, yeah. Like therapy would not penetrate Bobby. No, no, no.

He's like, what's the guy, kid stays in the picture? What's that guy's name? Oh, Robert Evans. He's Robert Evans, like a scummy version of Robert Evans. Like, if Robert Evans. Florida Robert Evans. Yeah, Florida Robert Evans. If Robert Evans owned a strip club, it would be Bobby.

Robert Evans ruled Chinatown. There you go. Godfather, Rosemary's baby they're making a movie i think with oscar isaac and jake gyllenhaal and it's one of them's coppola and the other one's robert evans it's behind the it's the making of the godfather could be really cool oh man i love that shit i'm all in and uh yeah bobby we had so much fun man great great to be there great crowds but i'm talking to this porn star on the front row and i was like is it does it ruin sex for you you know wait wait wait wait what was a porn star hold on well i was in tampa oh okay i mean still hold on no i just know i got into this okay okay

i missed that part well i'm talking to i was like is it does it ruin real sex for you because you get paid for it ah yes yes and then uh i was like sometimes someone off the stage tells me to tell him a joke and i'm like you know i get paid for this yeah so i I was like, you know, sometimes someone off the stage tells me to tell them a joke. And I'm like, you know, I get paid for this. Yeah. So I'm like, is that, you know, and she's like, no, I still, it's like, I'm better at real sex because it means more to me. Whoa. But I was just fascinated by that, you know? I think it makes complete sense.

Like, one time, this was years ago, but I was hanging out with a porn star in Florida, as you do. And I was like, why am I not being blown yet? You're like, why is my dick still dry? We've been talking for 10 minutes. What's going on? And I realized, like, oh, yeah, that's her job and blah, blah, blah. For sure. And it's the same with these people who hang out with you.

You're not really that funny offstage. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, and I just got done work. Like, let me have a sip. I turned into one of the people I can't stand. Yeah, I totally did. And so I feel bad, and I was wrong and all that. But like she's got a she still has to like you to fuck you, I guess.

But my point is we're funny on stage. But when we're together or it's me, you and Mackie or me, you and Vitor, me, you and list the we're laughing. But we're comfortable. We know each other. It's different. So you think she gets together with a few porn stars? She's like, do you want to just fuck in the bathroom real quick? I think so, yeah.

I'd imagine. You do feel weird that they don't just shake your hand and be like, do you want to go to a broom closet right now? Yeah, of course. And you're like, oh, I can't. I can't. I know. I think that all the time. And plus, they're just oozing sex.

Their tits are out. They got fake hair and tattoos. We're not oozing comedy. I'm just in a shirt. Like, their tits are out. They got fake hair and, like, you know, tattoos. We're not oozing comedy. I'm just in a shirt. Yeah, I guess that's a good point. That's a good point. Maybe we are oozing a little comedy. Are we oozing a little?

A little. Yeah, yeah. You know, see, look at Matt's like, yeah, you're oozing. We're oozing? You want to ooze a little. Just a hint of an ooze. Yeah. Yeah.

Isn't that weird that women find funny men sexy? You're like, really? Jerry Lewis, Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey, I think. I mean, look at the tail he pulled in. I guess so. Lauren Holly. Yeah, I guess so. She was hot. Jenny McCarthy. He had a heat of run.

Those have got to be some rough conversations. Oh, God. She's like, you're anti-vax, right? And he's like, sure. Hold on, let me. Yeah, I got the vaccine right here yeah yeah uh yeah that's true i guess i just it just seems like such a it's the opposite like at least porn star is equal sex funny equals goofy wacky silly to me it's like yeah pie in the face slip it on a banana peel that doesn't equal sex to me but i think it is like people want to laugh man what do you want you want a guy who's just brooding all the time i don't know that guy to

me is kind of hot yeah it's kind of hot like a like a robert mitchum paul newman kind of stoic quiet guy paul newman was hot dude oh that was a hot man hot hot guy but he also was hot because he would like all right i'm gonna defend comedy for a he also was hot because he would like all right i'm gonna defend comedy for a second he was hot because he would play pathetic characters too he was a hot like in the verdict paul newman's a fucking drunk loser yeah good point and he's like that's to me is my favorite role of any movie he did really i think it's his i don't know if it's his best movie it's probably my favorite paul newman movie yeah Because it's just so, I mean, fucking great movie, man. Great movie.

Yeah, I think the fact that he could go to that place. Yeah, yeah. Don't you think, like, I don't know. Don't you think you get your props. Like, Charlie Theron got her Oscar by going ugly. Going ugly. Interesting. Yeah.

And in the movie Cool Hand Luke, Paul Newman. That's a great movie, too. Yeah. That might be his best. Of course. But he gets into a fist fight with this guy and loses, but you like him for it because the guy was way bigger and he never stopped. And he wouldn't go down. Yeah, and the big guy was like, this is a bummer.

I can't keep watching this guy just keep getting up and getting knocked out. And he's out. He looks like Jesus when he's on there. Yes! After all the eggs, remember looks like Jesus when he's on there. Yes! After all the eggs, remember? A lot of religious undertones there. That's a fucking cool movie. Great movie.

Best picture. Also a great movie. But yeah, Paul Newman. And if you watch clips of him and his wife. What's his wife's name? I forgot. She's really, really cool, though. Cool lady.

His second wife, by the way. That was the real one. I feel like the second wife is the one that really connected. But he... She busts his balls the whole... every interview, she's like busting his balls. And he can take it, and he's laughing, and he never hits her back. Well, he never like shits on her back. Woodward, Joanne Woodward. Yeah, yeah. And it's great.

It's just great watching them together. Yeah. She seems like a fun lady, this Joanne Woodward. They had a good thing. Yeah, that's the famous line. Why go out for a burger when you got a steak at home? There you go. Well, I don't love that quote because sometimes you want a burger.

For sure. But I get it. Yeah, but you're only going to eat steaks for the rest of your life. Yeah, exactly. I think it's less the quality of the meat and more just the variety in your life. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I think it's less the quality of the meat and more just the variety in your life. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Why go out for a fucking wild turkey when you got a fucking 18-year-old Scotch at home? I don't know.

Sometimes you want a shot, I guess. I can't explain human nature to you if you're breaking it down by drinks and food. But women hear that and they're like, ah. Yeah, yeah, it'd be nice, but it's also a fairy tale. All right, what do you got for a bit? I think we're going long here. I got a couple ideas here.

The problem is I got a few that are hitting, so they're not worth really bringing here. Oh, yeah, give me something that needs to... Something that's not hitting. Okay.

Under construction. Something here. I had this idea, so I had a guy talking about aliens after the show, so I was thinking about aliens. So my idea is, what if aliens come here and we treat them great like how much would that piss off mexicans you know what i mean like like especially if we continue to call the mexicans

illegal aliens right and we just call the aliens aliens yeah that's great surely this has been done i feel like someone must have this bit well Well, I think I might have heard the aliens thing, but just the idea. The Mexican versus actual aliens is a great premise. We treat them great. Have you heard this? If we treat them, if they're smart, we got to treat like, you know, there's going to be rednecks. Like, we got to build a ceiling. Ah, that I've never heard.

Something like, okay. That's great. Like, these aliens don't even speak the language and the aliens are like we do we also speak mandarin and they're like fuck we gotta stop these aliens you know yeah they're taking our jobs right oh that's great there's something there i love it i love it that's a great bit speak the language the wall i'm trying to think of other uh maybe we could go to the alien planet, like we go to Cancun and just like party there.

Oh, that's fucking great. You know? Yeah. And the aliens are like, Jesus Christ. Then we got a Starbucks and a TGI Fridays and senior frogs on whatever, Mars. We're just like, we're just fucking in a jacuzzi and they're like, these people just come here to vacation. We're struggling on our own planet.

Yeah. You got to pay off the alien federales? Like, oh, sorry. I hit that stripper or whatever it is. It's also something funny about how we always like, we think aliens coming here is going to be great. But you look at every alien movie. You look at every group that's come in big numbers to another place. It has usually been violent.

Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of just human nature yeah and then we're like we're like oh let's find some aliens you're like this could go fucking bad right yeah so true i mean the irish came that was ugly the italians came that was ugly yeah the jews and it happens every every week we came that was ugly yes the americans didn't appreciate it another thing with the alien like what if we go there and we try to bring drugs back and we got to go through the border, like the, you know, the space border.

And they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You got a ton of drugs here. And you're like, I know, but I was doing them up there. They're legal there. They're legal on Mars. Yeah. We go there to get fucked up. I got my fake tits on Mars.

They did a horrible job you know that's a lot here this is great there's something here all right i love it i love like an idea of a lowrider spaceship all right what do you got i'm getting too into it all right this is uh this is not as good as that i feel like that's a thick chunky bit you got there this is uh i'm just trying to work on this whole thing about how it sucks that what women find attractive about men is like kind of nice and fun and wholesome like i like a smart man like a funny man like ambition but what everything men like about women just biologically is creepy you know it's like tits and ass and all this shit and women like

arms my girlfriend's like oh i love a man with good arms and all this shit i saw you doing pull-ups outside the studio yeah exactly so first of all every now and then a guy will go sleeveless so you're like well that's just free porn and two when a woman likes a guy she'll touch his arm that's always how you know a woman likes a guy, she'll touch his arm. That's always how you know a girl likes you. She'll touch the arm. You're like, so you get to touch the thing you're attracted to. I like tits. Like, how fucked am I?

Like, all the things that men like about women are like private parts or, you know, what's the word? Inappropriate. Interesting. But the arm, arm you like women like arms she's like oh i love a good good arm veiny arms muscular arms fit arms you got an arm all day long but you know i like uh you like a butt or whatever you can't can't focus on the butt yeah you can't uh you can't be consoling a woman by grabbing her tits. They're there. Yeah. Can I buy you a drink? I don't know.

Is there anything there? Yes. It's like what you like about the thing. But women like dick too. I know. But if you send a dick pic to a woman, she's like, Jesus. You think you can send an arm pic? Yeah, I guess you can send an arm pic.

I guess you can send an arm pic. It's a little weird to be like. It's a little weird. Check it out. Yeah. But I don't know. I just like, you know, you know girls are like oh i saw this guy at the gym he was ripped but it's like the things you like if you see a woman at the gym and she looks stacked you're kind of like jesus like you're trying yeah that's true that's true but there's something about like the touching

the touching is interesting i think that's's something. You touch the arm to show you like them. Yes. There's no part of you I can touch to show I'm interested because you already know I'm interested. Aha. Maybe that's it. Yeah. Just me approaching you is enough. You have to like also.

You have to buy her a drink. Buy her a drink. They'll play with her hair. Yeah. I can't touch myself to show I'm interested. Oh, that's great. That's good. That's good.

I can't be like, yeah, yeah. What do you do for a living? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe it's too on the nose, but I feel like there's something there. Touching the arm to show you're interested is interesting because that's like direct. That's like a direct line. It's so direct.

Yeah. You're touching the arm. That part is getting something you laugh yeah women i think you may have to just go that straight up or it's like they touch the arm like ha ha ha and they touch the arm yeah you can't they can't say a joke and you're like ha ha ha i can't touch what i like when you tell a funny joke right right you say something funny i just touch it like ha ha ha something there i don't know i'm trying to think the hair flip is good too i like the hair flip is interesting they they flip their hair every guy is taught that if a girl touches your arm she likes you and then the hair touching is it means she likes you whenever i see a girl do it when she's talking to me i'm always like she must have like a a twitch or something

she must have like a nervous thing you know what i mean yeah i'm like does that make sense to you like why are you touching your hair yeah but i i do think that but i also know like oh i think i got a shot here but also when a girl touched your arm you flex do you ever do that i have a bit about this oh really it's different than yours but i had a girl break up with me and she touched my arm to console me and i flexed which was like a real fucking low point in my life yeah like i thought that was gonna change her mind like she touches my arm she's like wait a second right i didn't know you could curl 8.5 this changes everything yeah yeah definitely a low point it's a flex thing i bet women are the same way like if you touch a woman's stomach like all right i'll see you later and she's like yes yeah whatever you're

insecure about yes yes interesting okay that's a different bit for sure. That could tie in. Yeah, yeah. All right. I'll play with this. I'll noodle. Oh, yeah. All right.

Hey. Let's plug some dates. Subscribe to our Patreon. Patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. We're dropping gems. Yes. We're going to make a nicer studio here. We're loving working here at Gotham Studio.

Thank you, Matt. This has been killer. Throw some live dates, Mark. And you saw the whiskey tasting. So, folks, it's coming. It's coming, baby. And you're all a part of it. And we're going to get a label and a distributor.

And the wheels are in motion. We're drunk driving. Hot dates. I don't know when this comes out, so I'll go real future. Let's see. Toledo Funny Bone. Houston Improv. Philly Helium.

That'll sell out. Love Philly. Philly rules, man. Buffalo Helium. Dayton Funny Bone. Appleton, Wisconsin at Skyline. Arlington Improv. Brea Improv.

Albany. West Palm Beach. Comedy Connection in Providence. Madison Comedy on State. all over the road. What do you got there, sloppy jalopy? Madison Comedy on State, the 8th through 10th, the 15th through 17th, I got Oklahoma City, the 23rd through 25th, Nashville, Tennessee. We might add a show there, so stay tuned.

We got moved governors in Levittown to belmore so the brokerage removed it i like uh but that's going to be killer the 30th through the 31st of july first weekend of august i'm in lexington kentucky then we um uh we got uh comedy club of kansas missouri august as well portland helium the 19th to 21st of of August and we got the last weekend of August Royal Oak Michigan one of my favorites Boston, Philly samorell.com slash shows can't wait

keep hitting the road I'm loving it man yeah the road is back the crowds are coming out people are talking there's a buzz about the pod it's only going to grow from here we got our own with you we'll get some merch cooking and check out our specials. We're on YouTube.

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