We Might Be Drunk - Ep 32: Pamplemousse

Episode Date: July 19, 2021

Episode 32 We Might Be Drunk Podcast brought to you by Sheath Underwear. Join us for more antics at Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod If you have anything you want us to put on the new bar set mail them to: Gotham Podcast Studio 39 West 38th Street, 10W New York, NY 10018 Thanks to Gotham for hosting, Salacuse for being our Google and all of you for supporting!

we might be drunk we might be drunk as long as we are hanging out you know we might be drunk raise a glass let's talk shit pep heaps wrecks and a bit maybe drunk we might be drunk hey here we are folks it's we might be Might Be Drunk. What's shakin'? Good to see you, man. You too. It's summertime. It's boilin' hot out there in Manhattan. Are you doing spots and shorts later? No, I got a fuckin' tuxedo in my book bag there. But no, I got jeans and a t-shirt. But I was wearing shorts all day, and then you put on jeans.

It's one of these months you need a shower right when you leave the house. It's a lot of showering. I hate it. And then you kind of over-soap. Yes. Now you're dry and flaky. I hate it. Thank God we're white or we'd be ashy.

No offense to the Jewish people. But, wow, I got an offensive black joke and an offensive Jew joke in there. What? Sorry. I think we're on a show later tonight together. Stan? Yeah. Yeah, I'm on that one.

Oh, that's usually pretty good. All right. Yeah, yeah. What was I going to say? Oh, I had... Oh, yeah, they say that crime rises with the heat. Why is that? Well, I think you're agitated.

I think people are worked up. Like, every do the Right Thing and all these movies, like Dog Day Afternoon, it's always like a heat wave, you know? Or, uh, what's that? Son of Sam? Heat wave? Interesting. Yeah, maybe places like Alaska just have lower crime rates.

Ah! Although Detroit's got a very high crime rate. Ah, yeah, and it snows there. Eh, good point. I don't know. Yeah yeah nine shootings in 24 hours on july 4th crazy crazy and it sucks because the fireworks confuse you that's true yeah annoying right right and uh the pets hate it the pets hate it my cat is on edge my cat's like a meth head it's like a nom nom vet it's annoying i was in uh the village and i'm leaving the cellar and a dude just shoot they're like shooting off fireworks

yeah it like almost hit me what people get blinded that way wow like in the in the park right out of ben's pizzeria what yeah damn they were screaming i'm like get the hell out of here what was it a bottle rocket or Roman candle? I couldn't differentiate. Oh, yeah. Such a city guy all the way. We had bottle rockets out there in the woods. Oh, my God. Yeah, we would hold Roman candles, try to shoot each other.

Were any of the kids assholes where they would be like, ah, like they'd try to fuck with you? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And then there was always that one kid with one finger missing. And there was one kid- Did you have a friend with a missing finger? Oh, for sure. For sure.

One kid I knew would pop them in his mouth kids were nuts it was the 80s but yeah good time one time a kid threw a like a cherry bomb at me and i couldn't get out of the way and i remember i looked down and it was on my feet like right at my feet and it didn't go off and i was like ah it's a dud and then it went pow and my ears went and i thought i was deaf but i was all right you're in a fucking you're in platoon all of a sudden see guys in the distance like dude uh yeah i'll tell you all right speaking of that i gotta peeve please wow we're coming out like we haven't even had the drink yet okay well pour the drink as i tell you because i'm excited i i need a drink today.

I got a weird one. I'm going all summertime bliss. I love summertime bliss. I don't even know what this is. It's something grapefruit, huh? Oh, yeah. Well, it might be blood orange. This is a fizzly wine in a can. I love it.

All right. It's a spritz. It's basically an Aperol. Jesus Christ. I've never had it either. You've not tried this? No. All right. Let's do it. All right. I've never had it either. You've not tried this? No. All right, let's do it.

All right. I love this sound. Let's do it. Cheers. Sounds like my dad driving. I got a scent. That's good. Ooh, yeah.

It's funky. It is funky. I feel like I'm at a pool in Florida. Here's a peeve. It's gags where like, I don't get this as a joke where it's like you and another person and they fuck with you and start laughing. Like, that's like a serial killer to me. That's not like.

Oh, yeah. Like the person where it's like just you two and they have a bottle rock and they're like, ah. And you're just like, you got me, I guess. Right. You know what I mean? It's like the joke is on me because I want to have both my eyes. Yeah, yeah. Good point.

Like, you flinched. I hate that guy who does the. And then I'd be like, oh, what are you doing? He's like, oh, you flinched. I'm like, well, yeah. I thought you were going to hit me in the face. It's like, what is this, battle training? Having a slice of pizza. I'm like, well, yeah. I thought you were going to hit me in the face. It's like, what is this, battle training? Having a slice of pizza.

I hate that. And a fucking friend of ours did it to me the other night. I'm going to say his name, too, because I'm mad at him right now. All right, hit me. Wilson Vince. He's a friend of mine. But he does this shit. I'm walking down the street.

I'm looking at my phone because I'm trying to see how much time I have until I can make it to another spot. And he just goes, give me all your money. And I'm like, ah. And he's like, you're racist. And I'm like he just goes, give me all your money. And I'm like, ah! And he's like, you're racist. And I'm like, you don't give me all your money. Oh, that's a bit. That's a bit, yeah.

And he's got the mask up, too. He wears his mask all the way up to his eyes. I'm like, you look like a robber. Right, right. He wears all black also, by the way. And the mask is up, of course. And he said, give me your money. What do you want me to do?

Give me your money. And then I me to do give me your money and then I got you and I hit him and he was like what's your problem like I'm reacting yeah that's not a bit it's not a joke there's no twist Will does this where he'll do he thinks this is funny like he'll do jokes that just torment you

I remember one time I was at the cellar late one night. I had a gig the next day I had to fly out for. He takes my phone. Oh, yeah. And my phone's got my wallet attached to it. Oh, man. So I've got, like, my credit cards and shit.

So I'm like, does someone see my phone? I don't know where I put it. And everyone's like, oh, shit. Literally everyone at the cellar is looking for my phone. Uh-huh. And I swear to God, an hour go by. I'm like, fuck, I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess gonna do i guess i'm gonna have to like borrow someone else's phone cancel all my credit cards print the boarding pass somewhere i don't have a printer at home and after like literally an hour

of me just being like fuck he's like got you and everyone's like why would you do that that's not i've never heard the side of will this is blowing my mind i've done the road with will because we used to do the Aziz gigs together. And Will just, he gets a kick out of fucking with you. And like, look, sometimes it's funny. Sure. But there is a time when I'm just like, that's not a joke. You just made me miserable for an hour.

Right, right. You took some of my time on Earth and you made it bad on purpose. Yes, yes. Man, what a psycho. I had the guy in high school who would hit you in the nuts, and he'd be like, gotcha. You're like, it's painful. Where's the joke?

And that's when it should end, in high school. In high school, it's like you're not a fully developed person. It's annoying. I hated this one, too, the purple nurple. They just twist your nipple, and you're like, how about just having a conversation or developing a personality? They can't do it. They got nothing, so they have to resort to violence and that's you're they're getting a reaction technically so i guess they

feel better it's funny it's like have you seen any movie you're the guy everyone hates yes exactly you're the bad guy in every movie i know the the ear flick the purple nurple the credit card swipe the credit card swipe i'll take because it go, whoo, it's not painful. You have credit card swiped me. That's why I let it slide because I'm guilty. You let it slide, all right. Yeah, yeah. The oil check, the goosing, whatever you want to call it.

That one bothers me less than the nipple thing is actually painful. Oh, huge. Yeah, that sucks. I hate that feeling. So I'm with you. I'm with you. That guy sucks. Well, I love Will, but that is- I love Will, too, but it Yeah, that sucks. I hate that feeling. So I'm with you. I'm with you. That guy sucks. Well, I love Will, but that is-

I love Will, too, but it's not a gag. No, no, no, no. And I could see the phone hiding for like five minutes, but an hour? It was an hour. That's excessive. There was staff looking under chairs. Maybe it slipped behind a thing, and I'm like, geez, I'm so sorry, guys. I do apologize to the waitstaff at the comedy show.

But here we are talking about it. Although, wait, actually, that's my peeve, that guy. You know, we're also talking about Hitler a lot, too, by the way. Here we are talking about it, so it must be something. No, no, it sucks. We talk about bin Laden all the time. One of Hitler's friends. Do it for the story, man.

Right, exactly. Yeah, yeah, you know, he made a name for himself. Damn, this is pretty good. The first sip was weird, but it's going down easier. It's, uh, this is,

these are dangerous. Yes. Because this doesn't, this tastes like a soda. It really does, yeah. This is a nice hot summer day drink, which it is.

I can't tell if the can look is classy or feminine i think it's pretty feminine all right i don't think we look cool drinking these no no they're thin and pink all right i thought you were going somewhere with that one like my dick that shirt it looks okay with the shirt okay because you're wearing a hawaiian you're wearing like the like chill guy right glasses the shirt you can get away with that's true yeah yeah i'm like my name's chad i hit a jewel you know i'm on my dad's boat i have one you know what the big one is those big swans the inflatable swans feels like every hot girl has a photo on an inflatable swan. What is that? It's huge now. One person did it, they liked it, and now everybody's got to do it.

Sheep. Something about really unfunny gags. You used to see these on the dating apps. There'd be like a girl with a mustache glass. Yes, that was a huge one. Wouldn't it be funny if I had a mustache? Not really. No, no.

That's offensive to trans people, by the way. But yeah, you're right. It's just not funny. It's just like you're like, all right, if you had a mustache. Well, we did a weird flip, I think 2006, where quirky was somehow funny. I know. It's just quirky. And we had, in the 90s, it was the Jenny McCarthy was considered funny. Like, no, she's just shitting or farting or picking her nose. That's not comedy. I know. She's just a goofball weirdo but it's not she's not funny

yeah that was that was a tough run oh bad run she had an mtv sketch show yes yes like mtv was like jenny mccarthy the logical she's shown her tits in magazines she should be the next uh you know yeah yeah she's the next mel brooks over here and look yes i jerked off to the sketch show but did you really? Yeah. I thought she was a hot number back in the day. Yeah. I mean, her tits were always out.

She was like a ditzy hot blonde. No, I definitely thought she was hot as a kid. Yeah. But she's gone off the deep end now. Yeah. Anti-vax or anti-autism. Anti-vax. Anti-vax, yeah.

Before Corona. Yeah, I don't think she's a nice person nah nah and i think she fucked jim carrey up a little bit i think did she yeah they date they dated damn that's got to be rough because he's got to he's got to pretend she's funny oh that's got to be you're right like he's bringing heat all day and then she's like and he has to be like it's good yeah it's good stuff yeah you did you are hot you are hot and you farted right that is i get that that goes against type right right and if anybody's like you're not funny she's like uh jim carrey said i'm funny like oh you mean the guy you're fucking

that's a tough one yeah that is tough he was that was peak jim carrey i know that was nine like jim carrey in the 90s. I rewatched The Mask recently, and that's a great example of a not very good movie where the guy is so good. So good. That you're just like, it's worth it. Yeah, that's true. And a young Cameron Diaz. First movie.

First movie. She really fought her way into that one, I heard. Really? Uh-huh. And boy, it paid off. How did she fight her way in? Well, she wouldn't take? Uh-huh. And, boy, it paid off. How did she fight her way in? Well, like, she wouldn't take no for an answer. She would, like, I don't know. It's okay when a woman does it.

Woo! But, yeah, give that a go. Sorry, that was the Pamplemousse talking. Pamplemousse. What was it? Pamplone? Pamplone, sorry. I don't even know what a Pamplemousse is, but I like it.

It sounds like an old private jet in the 40s. He flew here on a Pamplemousse is, but I like it. It sounds like an old private jet in the 40s. He flew here on a Pamplemousse. Isn't it just Spanish for grapefruit, Pamplemousse? What is it? I don't know. I've never heard of Pamplemousse. I think they're an indie band in Brooklyn. I think that's the Grapefruit LaCroix, if I'm not wrong.

Pamplemousse? Can we look that up? What is the translation? Oh, nice. Well, I'm not wrong. Pample Moose? Can we look that up? What is the translation? Oh, nice! Well, I'm not cultured. I just have had that LaCroix. Luxembourg? Wow, I didn't know they had their own language in Lux.

Pample Moose. That's what we're doing right now, brother. Yeah, we're pamplemoussing. It's a verb now. What a... Decent racial slur. Couple of pamplemousse. Fucking pamplemousse.

Cut me off in traffic. By the way, no one's more racist than behind a wheel. You know, it could be anybody and they cut you off. You're like, of course it's a Mexican. more racist than behind a wheel. You know, it could be anybody and they cut you off. You're like, of course, it's a Mexican. That's not even a stereotype, but whatever it is, you go with it. It's true, man. I used to have a bit about like whatever person you pull up to, you're like, I knew it. Oh, there you go.

Yeah. There you go. It was like, I mean, I'm a terrible fucking driver, though. Oh, true. Have you been in a car with me? I never got in because I heard the story. Yeah, I'm a terrible fucking driver, though. Oh, true. Have you been in a car with me? I never got in because I heard the story. Yeah, I'm pretty bad. I heard Colin Quinn and David Tell.

David Tell is horrible. New York people are bad drivers. Yeah, yeah. That's true. You think with Brooklyn, though, he would be all right. New York, people that grew up in the city are not good drivers. Yeah, that's true. People that grew up in any city are pretty bad.

Right, right. Well, I got to tell you, I didn't have any spots last night, so I texted Liz like, hey, if you got anything, not good drivers yeah people who grow up in any city are pretty bad right right well i gotta tell you i didn't have any spots last night so i texted liz like hey if you got anything let me know she goes well you should open for quinn that is whatever he's doing the fat black and i said i'm in so 15 minutes in front of quinn i got there early we hung out i go on they're a hot crowd he goes on and it i mean i don't want to it out, but I've watched everything he's ever done. His new hour is the best one. What?

Best one yet. He tackles everything. It's topical. It's current. It's relevant. It's amazing. He hits it from all angles. I can't wait.

He is the best. If you haven't seen his stuff, it's on Netflix. Long Story Short or Red State, Blue State. All that stuff. Yeah, New York Story. New York Story's incredible. That one's incredible. I saw that on a date years ago live at the Cherry Lane Theater.

I think I saw it with my mom, and we had a family emergency, and she walked out, and it was from the back, so she had to walk all the way through during his opener. It was brutal. I'm sure you brought it up. I was like, my mom is up quinn's opener right here this is terrible remember this story where uh mateo lane i don't know he had like he had to take a shit or diarrhea and he had to walk out and quinn clocked it and he said he they brought it up like for five years after yeah i remember that goddamn poor mateo that's uh yeah quinn is that that's good to hear because man if you haven't watched his stuff, you're missing out.

Like literally everyone I tell to watch it is like, that was incredible. Yeah, if you can get past the mumble mouth and the marble mouth, I mean, he's the guy. He's the best. He gave the, he, so Tom Papa married our good friend Rachel Feinstein and her husband Pete, and Tom Papa, a great comic, marries them. her husband pete and tom papa the great comic marries them then quinn comes up right after tom papa to give a speech and he goes your your minister energy is really infuriating everybody and it kills and then tom goes on after him and goes you're right i should have mumbled through my speech like you did and that killed it was like man comics at a wedding just fucking hitting each other yeah it was great two pros two vets yeah and that's a big gig because you're in front of so many comics it's brutal yeah it's almost like open mic energy except

except they're rooting for you right no one wants a wedding bomb good point good point yeah if it's funny they will laugh they'll give it to you whereas an open mic if you're funny they might not give it to you we've all been there what were you last weekend i'm opening another pumple moose get a pumple moose i was in uh phoenix arizona and it was great what were you tempeh or stand up live there's a new place called copper blues live i fucking canceled at the beginning of the pandemic i canceled on that one well if you go back you're gonna sell out because we had a million Alkies there. Oh, yeah. I love it.

It was great. When's Sam coming? I never miss a week, blah, blah, blah. This is a fun podcast. Oh, yeah. New York, baby. You've got to subscribe to the new YouTube if you're listening now. If you're listening to this on the podcast app or if you're watching here, glad you're here. But you've got to get on this new YouTube channel.

Thank you to Matt at Gothham studios for setting that up salicus our main man in studio with us now oh yeah on the ones and twos and uh hey have you got any packages send them to gotham 39 38 street 39 west 38th street gotham studios send them here uh yeah and uh street gotham studios send them here uh yeah and uh yeah great great comedy town phoenix gets forgotten as one of these comedy towns but yeah one of the best crowds i mean dark shit they don't get upset they love it they root for it they get a little hammered oh yeah but uh great time and it's like 105 it's like the middle capital of the world oh the cougars west coast florida leathery hot big fake jug that's what i said i said the the flag of scottsdale should be a milf and a golf cart going to pilates i mean it is crazy out there just dentist wives you know

with nothing to do but do uh yoga and sit by the pool. Damn. Yeah, there are. I remember I did a gig once in Scottsdale and a guy had a stroke during my set. What? Yeah, brutal. Heat stroke? A stroke.

Whoa. Yeah, I was. That's a bomb. Holy shit. Well, I was at Stand Up Scottsdale. So we used to do this club. Oh, God. Have I ever told you this? this no but you got to tell them about stand-up scottsdale well this club all right if you don't know this club stand-up scottsdale is run by this guy howard hughes who was a super nice guy i think he was an ex-marine yes that's right he was super supportive of comedy

but he would get fucked up yeah yeah and he would do time he would do like 25 minutes 30 minutes before you oh Oh, yeah. And it was like dabble. It was shooting back and forth between like edgy, like Bill Hicks type shit. And then being like, you're not drinking. You need to drink. We need to make money for our venue. So this place was on Bar Rescue.

The John Taffer show. Yes. To put him on the map. It's crazy. So they have this incredible venue. And John Taffer, I i guess tears at the shreds and he's like what the fuck you're an idiot you're not good at running it yeah he's like i'll turn it around i get there and i remember being like you know it's a beautiful room oh yeah you know and

the shows are pretty good but then i end up coming back and no one tells me this he just picks me up and i'm like oh it's a different hotel he's like oh it's connected to the new venue and i was like new venue oh it's the back of a mexican restaurant yeah so i'm like well these are going to be different shows than i anticipated you know and we get there and uh first night he gets like blackout drunk yeah you know like and he was like he's like just i gotta get out of here my uh my my girlfriend i was like dude you gotta chill for a second yeah so he stays for a little bit he goes on and it's like all right yeah not it doesn't go great whatever he's by the way had a stroke before i know this oh really yeah he like but he got it from like cocaine and red bull he didn't it's not

like a stroke story where you're like you poor bat it's like you're an idiot right right you did too much coke and uh i'm on stage and i'm doing pretty well. And this guy like knocks over a beer. I was like, I guess I'm killing pretty hard. And she goes, no, he's having a stroke. And I was like, oh, shit. Stop the show. I yell, someone call an ambulance. So Howard calls an ambulance.

Then I was like, we got to do something. And Howard takes, he thinks do something means go on stage and do shtick. So he's talking to the guy like, so where are you from? I'm like, he's having a stroke you're gonna force him to do back and forth so give us a place we should be hospital er oh my god that's insane brutal and then uh how far in are you because like 20 minutes oh right in the gooey middle brutal and they were good uh i mean he wasn't he was in bad shape but they basically call an ambulance and the guy he

gets taken out and gives us like a thumbs up that he's okay we're like thank god and then howard's like what do you want to do i was like well i gotta finish i can't like they're all here still yeah so i give it like i was like let's give it five minutes i start riffing i just start shitting on howard for like 10 minutes straight and it's crushing like i can't follow material it's killing so hard right right because they're all like this guy's a fucking idiot wow but he did to his credit he took it yeah and he was he always was a good guy he would just get too drunk sure but i think that's a pro move i mean as the owner of a club you got to respect even though you're taking the hit the crowd is happy a guy had a stroke and they're still laughing i mean that's that's a credit to you i think uh you gotta tip the hat to that new york headliner he also

so he's on bar rescue and then he's on the bar rescue redemption show so it's live and they're like all right we want to see how the bar is looking now you know after we helped it they revisit it and it was like howard's not doing a good job whatever and you know his nose is bleeding everywhere well they i just remember how john taffer you know that show bar rescue was like i'm not going to insult this man he's a marine he's an American hero. And you know something bad is coming after that. Yeah. But this man doesn't know how to run a bar.

And I just remember Howard getting in his face, like being tough, getting in his face. And one of his bar managers stands up and goes, Howard, no. They just kept replaying. Howard, no. That was like the go-to commercial. And we'reing. Howard, no. That was like the go-to commercial, and we're back. Howard, no. Wow. You got to pull that up.

I bet that episode has got to be on YouTube. I always liked the guy, honestly. He was always a decent guy, but those are some memories. I did that club like three times because they would have me when no one else would and for sure he was always a tough nut every time but he looked great he looked like 45 when i met him and he looked like 28 and he had a really hot cool girl yes who was like a pilates instructor yes exactly i hope he didn't blow it because she was cool yeah that's true but yeah he did he a handsome guy, and he's in really good shape.

Great shape. Full head of hair. Cool, like, cool outfits. Weird glasses. Yeah, and you're right. Like, no one else would have it. And he really appreciated us. Yes.

I remember I do a late night set, and he would, like, promote it. Yeah, that's right. That's right. He was the type of guy who, like, I felt like, this is going to sound fucked up, but I felt seen. Yeah. No, well, back in the day you took anything any like compliment any like booking met the world to you because it was so bleak if he got like a good partner to run a place with it would be good because he really did care he needs a unit yeah he's the fun crazy guy i'll go on stage i'll do

drugs whatever you need the the business guy it. Yeah, that's not the business guy. No, no, no. I remember he was so savvy business-wise that he wouldn't book a feature. So they'd have like six open mics, open micers hanging out in the green room, and he would go, you, you, and you. Two six minutes. And he called a guest set so he didn't have to pay them. I hope he never hears this.

We love you, Howie. We do love you. I mean, you know what? He really was a good guy. Yeah, yeah. Good guy, smart guy, cool, Howie. We do. I mean, you know what? He really was a good guy. Yeah, yeah. Good guy. Smart guy. Cool guy.

Yeah. Weird guy. But so the weekend was killer. Copper Blues is awesome. Oh, dude. Great. Sold out of merch in like the first show and a half. Damn.

Like killer crowds. Really like grateful to see you. You know, they know it's a cross country travel for us and just good good guys good hang fun couples great time it's looking like November for Phoenix for me if you are asking when I'll be there so I will be there by the way that John Taffer was terrible that guy's a tough guy he's not easy

yeah I mean I've seen him go up to like you know some guy had a jazz club in Harlem and he's a big black guy and he was like you suck you're a shitty businessman your your your food sucks your wife's fat you're ugly and the guy was like i'm gonna kick your ass and he's like do it do it i'm like this guy's got balls or he knows like hey i'm on tv and i got eight security guys behind me well it's also like you're just you know that it's gonna get publicity he punches him in the face he's like good i'll get fucking yeah that's true that's true he's a big dude too yeah he is a big guy it's kind of like gordon ramsay he says some shit i'm like damn man this guy's got feelings but then

you see his tiktok with his daughter and you're like yeah he's probably a good dad i mean he does seem like an asshole that's some people it's like, you know what? Simon Cowell really popularized being the asshole. You're right. And especially with British guys, they get away with murder. I know, I know. But it's like every show just was like, well, this is, anytime something succeeds, they're like, well, this will be our model. This is an archetype. And then it became the asshole, the guy who keeps it real.

Yeah. The kindly woman. Yes. The cool black guy yeah i remember at the comic strip the comedy club where i started started that they did that for the auditions is that right they were like well the guy who was the booker he's like i'll be the asshole yeah you're just fucking with like this is such a low level at least like simon was fucking with people on tv and it was a show this is just for you right right that's

true i remember watching american idol in college when it was like new and the biggest show on tv and i'd be sitting in like a girl's apartment and they all loved him they were like he's so hot he tells it like it is he's british he's mean they loved him I thought he was gay. Not gay. British. Yeah. Anytime. Yeah. It was a bold move, too, to rock the muscle shirt when you're not really that in shape.

That's true. He had some guns, though. Yeah, probably. Yeah. I mean, if that dude doesn't have a physical trainer, what are you doing with your money? When you're worth that much money, if you don't have a dude helping you. Good point. money when you're worth that much money if you don't have a dude helping you good point it's it's weird when guys have huge like i re-watched whiplash and jk simmons has huge guns in it which i guess adds to the dominance of you know his whole character is about like he's fierce yes

exactly that's a great movie great movie i love how much you love movies oh dude i just re-watched serpico you gotta see it i haven't seen Serpico ever. Isn't that crazy? Oh, it's like, talk about the quintessential New York movie. I mean, Salicues wouldn't be here without Serpico. It's incredible. And Pacino, my God, Pacino. He rules, man.

Oh, especially 70s Pacino. Godfather, Godfather 2. Dog Day Afternoon. Come on. Dog Day Afternoon is so good. Dog Day Afternoon is... So good. So good. Attica. Attica.

Yeah, and they really used New York back then. It was very Brooklyn-y. Yeah, something about those old movies, old New York movies. And I kind of like thinking about even movies like, geez, why is this movie? Midnight Cowboy. Oh, yeah. They could go dark they went dark you're right and and like an ending didn't have to be super no like i hate to give spoilers here but

then you didn't have to be super upbeat like right i like old movies where they could just end in a shocking way and you're like that's that's the movie yeah good good call it's funny you say that because i'm a big tarantino nut and he was just on rogan so i listened to that immediately and he said the 70s was amazing for movies. I heard him on Bill Maher. Oh, yeah? He said the same thing about the, like, in 60s. Yes.

And then the 80s were, like, happy, you know, Karate Kid, and it's got to have a happy ending, and it's families and suburbs. And then the 90s was, like, Pulp Fiction and all these dark movies. The 90s were good. Great, great. You know, Saving Private Ryan or like Boogie Nights. Boogie Nights! Fargo. Fargo! Come on! LA Confidential.

Exactly. Great movie. Even like The Matrix was like, whoa, what is this? Matrix is great. Yeah, so I think it might happen with comedy. I mean, we kind of went into this weird way with comedy. Quirky and cutesy and safey and all that. And I think maybe we're going the other way. We made a good point, too, we kind of went into this weird way with comedy, quirky and cutesy and safey and all that. And I think maybe we're going the other way.

We made a good point, too, with some of that. We always think of the 60s as being the greatest decade for film. But then, like, it's not till the late 60s. It's true. Bonnie and Clyde and Graduit are like late, like 68. Yeah, that's good. That's a good point. And then 70s, it just got crazy, like Peckinpah and all this other shit.

But 70s, is the 70s the best decade for film i think so i think so but when is midnight cowboy six late 60s yeah late 60s so that's really when it flipped all right we're geeking out but sorry guys we go into movie wrecks a lot i got a good wreck for you okay hit me mayor of east town ah i watched the first uh two today it's amazing or yesterday it's amazing great show great show i mean the woman is a huge coos but yeah but she's i guess she's been through a lot like she's like got zero appeal like if you knew her you'd be like oh this lady sucks yeah but that's what I like about it. How many schlubby male PIs do we see? I can't think of one schlubby female PI in film.

Can you, Matt? I think that's exactly her pitch. Where's the female? But that's a twofer. This is just her. Have you seen it? Yeah. Oh, you have?

Okay. Do you like it? Yeah, I love it yeah it's really well done it's realistic yeah and and that's the whole thing is that she doesn't and she's still attractive though i mean oh yeah that's the thing where you're like there aren't that many female roles like this where you see a really uh purposely you know as you said coups yeah yeah well she's she's kind of mean she's you know like the new guy's able coming in he's like all right i'm just trying to be your friend like take it easy and you're i get it well she clearly hasn't been through therapy yeah yeah her son i don't want to say too much but his son is dead and divorced and all this shit you know she's fucking up a case so she's got a lot on

her plate but uh yeah that's the first time seeing a woman in that position yeah you don't see i think about like every male pi like colombo schlubby as hell you know like like almost every kojax not exactly a looker you know right like every male pi is kind of like i'm even trying to think of like classic female detective and i think like a mariska hargitay from law and order and she's super hot other than that it's uh angela lansbury and murder not exactly not not a lot of edge for sure she's like a you know tea time at a typewriter for sure but yeah you're right you're right and then she fucks the guy and he's like let's get dinner and she's like oh it was a one-time thing.

Guy Pearce? Yeah, man, they uglied him up. He was a hunk. Oh, I think he looks pretty good. What? With the bad gray? Oh, man, I don't know. I mean, he's a great actor.

Hey, man, he's like 50-something. Okay, how old is Guy Pearce? Look at him in Memento, and then look at him now. It's a train wreck. He's had a good career. Great career. LA Confidential, Memento. 53! That's pretty good. at him in memento and then look at him now it's it's a train wreck he's had a good career great career la confidential memento 53 i thought he was 78 he looks like 78 mark twain and that thing 78 year old who's got a head of hair like that he looks like uh ben franklin in that movie or in

that show franklin he's like nothing like ben franklin the hair i don't know he looked like a founding father it is a hilarious character the one hit wonder it's like that that's okay that relationship you're like would this have happened would like that's what i was gonna say that's the only there's a couple things in the show that i don't love like that why would he like her well i just don't even know why they would like each other like they're just so different like you know where he's he's kind of this like he's like this my uh my book just came out uh or you know my my lecture and she's just like i've got a murder to deal with like is that

is that working in any way yeah that's true that's true yeah and then i guess she likes him she's like wow a man is attracted to me and he's a smart guy or whatever yeah but him i can't figure out maybe he likes him yeah the. Well, she's attractive. She's attractive, but it seems like he's into more than that about her. I don't know. And there's also, yeah, he likes her. I mean, look, he's an artist. He's damaged.

He probably wants a little damage. Good point. Good point. And probably keeps things. I mean, he has writer's block, right? Failed writer at this point. Well, he's got his book, but he hasn't written a book in, what, 25 years? So he's probably like, maybe this will give me something.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Wow. Good. Good for her. Good. See, that's the turn. You know, a lot of a lot of people be like hey we need a woman in this role but they'll still want you to be hot she's like no no we got to go all the way and i respect that yeah it's it makes more sense for the character like you see a character normally

she would have like six pack abs right would this be in east town would this be yeah exactly how this person looked yes also she's not charlize therning and uh scarlett johanssoning where they're like kicking eight guys ass in a room it's real yeah i love that the first scene she's like limping and she twists her ankle yes it's kind of real exactly which yeah i that about it. The one thing I'm not crazy about, the daughter who plays the honor student daughter who's at the good school. With the shaved head? She's great. She's the girl in Nice Guys. Thank you.

Oh, yeah. She's great in Nice Guys. She's even good in this, but the character is just so kind of underdeveloped, I think. character is just so kind of underdeveloped i think and um it's like of course like it's you know like all her friends she's like got like the gay guy like all that yeah i'm like do these characters exist in east town that felt a little forced it felt like an hbo exec like who was in like you know who like hasn't been anywhere but los angeles in the last 20 years was like the daughter's gay she's got a weird haircut, and the girlfriend's got to be black. Like, we need a black girlfriend.

And they hit all the boxes with one character. Like, get it all over there. What's that? It's a photo. Oh. Somebody write that one down. No, but it really is like, you know they had to overdo it. Yeah, of course, of course.

Fine, but it's always like, I feel like almost every show now is like, we have to represent everything. Yes, yes. Which is impossible. Because every time Kate Winslet's on screen, I'm just like, this show is taking a hit. I agree. She's the show. She's the show. She is really a great act.

Unbelievable. You believe she's that lady all the way. That's another thing. Hacks. You watch the show Hacks? Now we're just getting into fucking TV Guide over here. Yeah, yeah. Hacks is good.

Yeah, yeah. You loved it. I can't do any more comedy. It looks great. I just can't do any more stand-up. There's not a lot of stand-up in it, which I'm with you. I'm with you. But the Joan Rivers character by Jean Smart, who's also in Mare, is so good.

So good. And like open. I i'm for schumer for years so it's like these weird parallels a lot there like a powerful strong rich woman opener uh but the end it's so good i i messaged the producer i was like this is great this is really good and she wrote me back like thanks i appreciate it and blah blah blah but the end it gets all preachy and there's a message and i feel like it ruined it preachy's tough in any yeah it's a comedy show and i get it there's heart you can have heart but it felt like a forced message and that's when they lost anytime i feel like a joke i'm telling is more message than funny i drop the joke so sometimes the joke is getting more applause and laughter and you're like, that's not a joke. That's a fucking point. I'm a comedian.

Jeez. Yeah, I do. Do you know this bit? I had a bit where I said it was about freedom of speech. You know what I'm talking about? You remember this bit? Yeah,

I cut it from the roof. I'd said something about like how this guy got fired for going on a racist tirade. I'm a little buzzed. So I should have eaten something. Pamplemousse. This Pamplemousse. Pardon me. Pardon me, but the Pamplemousse.

Do you remember the bit? It was like how a guy will go on like a racist tirade and he got fired because someone video to him. Yeah, you can't say anything more. I'm like, well, you did say it. You did say it. Right. It's like you just thought you should have gotten away with it.

That was a bit. Do you remember the next line? Something about the length. You did it for an hour and a half. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you did. You said it for an hour and a half on the line on railroad. You said the N word for an hour and a half. And he's like, what was the next part?

The length of Godfather. Yeah, you did it for. You did it for. It is kind of funny. You did it for. It's funny. That part makes it funny. You did it for an hour and a half. You did it for half did it for you did it it is kind of funny you did it for funny that part makes it you did it for an hour and a you did it for half a godfather length movie you know but i don't remember the turn there was like one more line but it was

it was getting more nods and laughs and that's not that's not a joke you want to laugh with a nod yeah yeah exactly it i don't remember how it went but i i cut it out because i was like it's it's it's hitting in woke circles but it's not hitting in the other i want jokes to hit everywhere yeah here here and i felt like it was like a woke point where i was also kind of being because i'm not for the a person losing their life i don't i don't believe in that right i think people i think we don't need to be more accepting, but we should be more forgiving. Like I've said that. But I do think like in that joke, it made it sound like I was saying, well, fuck him. Right. You know, and there was a part of me. It's like, what do you think? I mean, this was like a real story. I was just screaming the N-word at people on the train.

You're a fucking idiot. But the fact that like you can never work again is also like I think the N was that we're just not gonna have racists have jobs anymore like what are we gonna do with like we're gonna lose so many big industries you know oh that's a good angle from it but it's more kind of like i don't remember the exact bit but i remember that's why i dropped it do you have any bits like that ever where they applaud and you're like fuck i did have so i can't think of them now but i've definitely had i had a whole bit about everybody's full of shit they'll just slap a rainbow sticker on a bazooka and they kill like 80 you know 80 000 people but they're like but come on i'm inclusive you know or something like that yeah maybe it is a bit yeah something there's something there anytime a bit feels like it's getting applause in the setup oh yeah, you kind of have a problem.

Right, right, right, right. Definitely. I don't want them. I'm not up there. I would never pay for granted. They're not here to listen to me make points. And it's easy to agree. It's easy to go, racism is wrong.

For sure. Or murder is bad. Everybody's like, yeah, it is. The cops uh you know murder is bad everybody's like yeah the cops murder people that's bad oh yeah like all right anybody can do this the talent is the twist and the turn and the finding the funny and the mining the humor for sure it's like when someone goes on stage and is like i think gay should be allowed to get married and you're like we're in manhattan like yeah did you think you were going to get pushback? Right, right. Exactly. Trans people shouldn't be beaten.

You know, like, I know. Nobody should be beaten. Get out of here. I think it'd be funny if you went the other way. That's funny. I think women should be allowed to vote. And everyone's like, what? Right, right, right.

Like, yeah, we can vote. And you're like, well, I think that's a good thing. Yeah. But tell me why women can't vote and make that funny. Now we're cooking. Yeah, it's funnier to take something that's that's a good thing yeah but tell me why women can't vote and make that funny now we're cooking yeah it's funnier to take something that's wrong yeah of course that's comedy yeah i wish i remembered the bit i i think once the bit stops working i just flush it out of my head completely daniel tosh has this great bit he has a special that doesn't get any love that i think is amazing well you know why it's on comedy central like no one watches no one watches good point no one watches their special i think you're gonna

say something horrible well you know why he did this or that i'm like oh he does a child that's why that would still get some hits but yeah he's got this great special and he has this bit about uh how like the positives of 9-11 which immediately immediately the audience is like, oh, and he makes it work and he tiptoes through it and it kills. And I'm like, that is artful. That was masterful. That was comedy. Interesting. I have a bit where I defend pedophiles now.

Oh, I just say here's what I like about pedophiles. They never complain about my jokes. I've never had one stand up mid pedo joke and go enough. Right. my jokes like i've never had one stand up mid pedo joke and go enough right you know though i think that i like that angle where it's like of course i don't really defend them but the crowd fucking knows that yes i'm doing jokes you know who doesn't defend pedos uh openly pedos they're scared yes exactly there's no union although they'd have good snacks that's true that's true you guys like goldfish you know who else likes goldfish the people were trying to get to attend these meetings with us yeah pedos also who's you know sometimes you don't want to watch your kids

they'll watch them all right i can never get this one bit to work about pedos about like that afterwards part's got to be rough where they're like oh i love this i can never get this to work about like which show to watch it because like i want to watch peppa pig and they're like i'm more of a crown guy i don't really you know right right never could get that to work ever yeah talk about like you know you have a one-night stand and then you have you realize that you're kind of different talk about how different a pedophile would be with this kid like should we get tacos kids like i want graham crackers like oh come on i need someone with a more sophisticated palate i just yeah what do you want to listen to led zeppelin raffi oh god we're saying we're uh

we're eating tacos we'll listen to that song again yeah right right uh i gotta give you a peeve here please give me and maybe a wreck although my wreck is so uh cheesy i love it i love a cheesy wreck all right well first of all the peeve and this rolls right into uh what we're talking about is the person who makes maybe an off-color irreverent joke and the eye you get the eye roll from the guy who knows you're joking but it's still like i don't approve of this i had that in the green room that person mother yeah yeah exactly uh you know we'd be like uh there was a we had a female host and she was really funny savannah and uh i said something and she was like oh sorry i'm late i was in the kitchen i was like that's where women belong, you know, joking.

And the guy rolled his eyes, like the sound guy. And I'm like, you work at a comedy club. What are we doing here? I know this gal. We're friends. What are you, crazy? Don't give me the eye roll. Also, I think women should be gainfully employed.

And the kitchen is a place where people can work, and it's a hard time to find jobs right now. I like going like really hard you know it's i hate those people you're like i'm clearly fucking around i know i know and then it's weird that you have certain places it's all comes back to history like if you go i believe a woman's place is on the stage of a comedy club people go good for you but if you go i believe there are places in the kitchen be like whoa i'm like well what's the difference what if she loves cooking yeah see what i'm saying for sure uh-huh uh the eye roll it's tough when it's a job that isn't as desirable i guess i guess that's the message like i believe a woman's place is a ceo of a fortune 500 company that's cool like that's cool but if it's uh if it's like i believe a

woman's place is uh yeah cooking is not yes mopping up whatever but but the thing with cooking is like this michelin chefs is five-star restaurants like it's an honorable job you're like look at bourdain he's you know loved yeah and dead and dead good point and a heroin addict but it is interesting whatever like like if you got a a calendar in your your house with tits on it and they're like geez well all right you sexist pig and i'm like oh they're trans they're like oh great i love it oh maybe that could be a bit it's just funny how it's okay when it's like a a marginalized thing or whatever i don't know it's it's all very silly yeah there is a you either it's like you're either

pervert or you're progressive you You flip it on them real quick. There's something about... That's a hot chick. Whoa, easy, creep. That's a hot fat chick. Hey, all right. This guy's open-minded. My bit is...

I'm still being shallow. My bit this week has something to do with that. Uh-oh, uh-oh. No, no, it's not close. Do your rec first. Okay, okay, okay. My rec is dumb, but it's... Actually, I do it every day, so I shouldn't say it's dumb, but it's not a movie.

It's not a song. Morning and night, I think it'll really improve everyone's life. You eat a banana every morning and plank for a minute every night. Just plank once a night, a minute. I know it sounds like a bitch, but you're going to sit on the couch anyway. You're going to sit on your phone anyway. Sit on your phone while planking, and a minute will fly by. Damn.

It's good for the core. It's good for the back. It's good for the spine. Give it a shot. One minute. We are brought to you by sheath underwear. This keeps your ball off your leg. Two pouches, one for your dick, one for your balls. Keeps

the ammo separate from the gun. This is great underwear. I actually use this. This is my girlfriend's favorite underwear. This gets me laid, this underwear. Supportive, sexy looking. I really do. This is my favorite underwear. I'm not just saying this. I'm not just saying this because they're paying us money. I really think this is

quality underwear. The idea from Sheath came from the founder, U.S. Army soldier Robert Patton, during his second tour in Iraq. Are you guys going to support the troops or what? Support this awesome veteran-owned company whose founder, he's a big comedy fan. He's messaged me.

He's a great dude. I know he's messaged you too. Go to sheathunderwear.com and order with promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order in sheath underwears. 100% money back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com. Promo code DRUNK.

Get sheath underwear and let them support your balls. That's good. A banana and a plank. Banana and a plank. Not the end of the world and you're already moving in the right direction. And this is very manageable. Bananas are cheap. Put them on top of the fridge.

And then you go, ah, shit, I'm going to bed. 60 seconds. Elbows and toes. It's funny how many exercises are named after ways you could die. Oh. Like you walk the plank, you die. What do you call when you do those runs? Suicides.

Oh, yeah. What else? Bur when you do those runs? Suicides. Oh, yeah. What else? Burpee? No, that's no good. You could choke on something, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, what else? Is there a guillotine or a hangman?

Yeah, what else is there? Exercise and elliptical. Well, you know, it's funny you say that. The treadmill was invented in England to be a torture device. And now it's, you know, it's funny you say that. The treadmill was invented in England to be a torture device. And now it's, you know, we do it willfully. I mean, barely. Yeah, it is a nightmare. I fucking hate exercising, man.

Yeah. It's just so funny that we're like, all right, I got to get my steps in. And they're like, oh, no, they're taking me to the treadmill. It's got to be a bit there somewhere. Now we pay for it. Yeah. I wonder, do you think people will pay for, like, other torture devices in the future? Right, right.

Like, maybe, what's the one where you... Where they stretch you? You know? And now we pay to get, like, you know, stretch to yoga. I'm getting a cleanse. What's that? Well, it used to be a water board, but they actually, it clears you out. Right, right.

So... Yoga has a cobra and the chair oh interesting great pulse good pulse alley and then also you have like what's the one the brazilian the dance one capoeira what does that mean well it doesn't mean anything but it used to it's like it's they have these dark origins like capoeira comes from like these brazilian slaves they would like disguise it as a dance so their slave owners didn't think they were doing anything and then they turned into a martial arts so they'd they'd fuck up their slave owners wow which is hilarious so they're just

watching like yeah they're pretty good dancers yeah slaves and they just start killing you i like the idea of that now like i got twerked to death she twerked me that's how she escaped if i see a woman twerking though I'm pretty helped Yeah it is pretty good It is hilarious how much of Instagram or like TikTok Is just a woman like shaking her ass I know

And you're just like this is your skill You could have picked anything and you went with ass Yeah and have you tried to twerk It's incredibly hard You want me to try it I mean I can't even do it It's not even worth the Let's tried to twerk? Oh, God. It's incredibly hard. I mean, you want me to try it? I mean, I can't even do it. It's not even worth the. Let's see you twerk.

Huh? Damn. I'm not even. I'm not even. It looked good though to me. The butt has to like really move so fast that the fat part of it it it can't keep up i don't know i've really studied the the art of twerking it's it's a weird one any dance looks easy and then you're like that's fucking work i know women dancing is very attractive i guess that's why strip clubs became

a thing man strip the older i get the more i'm just like i can't get into it i don't like them either it's not it's just like i think about the lady and then you feel like if you're not tipping enough, she's pissed at you. And then you're like, am I getting a cheap... Am I being cheap here? I don't know. It's not my thing. No, I'm with you.

TikTok, Salix, you nailed TikTok. I'm not even on TikTok. But what I've seen of it... I like it. I mean, everybody likes it, but I just know I'll stare at it for six hours by the way tick tock while you plank that'll solve that but it's good it's just women with outfits like tight outfits going like in the mirror whatever and you're like why am i watching this it's because you want to look at women all day but you can't stare at a woman in the street because then you're a weirdo, but you're allowed to do it here.

Yeah, that's why fucking people who are just like staring at women on public transit is like, well, you don't have social media. What are you, homeless? That's a good point. Yeah, that's a great point. Ah, now that's double the views. Interesting. Yeah. There's something about it. So hilarious the way you say it.

TikTok, while you're playing, you're like a cool fitness instructor. You're like a cool dad or something. Guys, we need to get you guys in shape. Right, right. But remember, you could scroll Twitter while you do this. You could – I'm trying to – when I got braces as a kid, I remember they were like no sweets. I was like, oh my God. And the lady took me aside.

She's like, you can have a piece of cake, but just wash your mouth out after with water. I'm like, I don't want to live my life like this. But of course, every kid ends up eating, you know, five pounds of cake still. Oh, cake, man. Ah, good band. Cake is a good band. I love that band. I mean, that's basically our intro, right?

Oh, yeah. Good point. Good point. Yeah. What, give me a, what's basically our intro, right? Oh, yeah. Good point. Good point. Yeah. Give me a, what's your, oh, your record's a banana and a thing. What's your bit? Oh, my bit. Okay.

Now, this one needs some work, but I think there's something, I tweeted just the premise and it got over 100 retweets. Oh, nice. So I think there's something here, but I can't crack it. These are almost the hardest kind of bits where it's obvious that it's a bit, so the pressure to make it funny is more, and then I can't think of it. You know, when a bit is weird, it's almost easier to think of the funny. When it's good in the setup, it's hard to crush that second part

because you've in some ways peaked it. Oh, no. Anthony DeVito has that great joke where he's like, my mom is blind and she's dating a black hairdresser and whatever. And he's like, I've never felt more pressure to write a bit. Yeah. He made a bit out of how hard it is to make that a bit. I love that bit.

That is genius. But all right. So I was really hung over the other day and I realized the way you are when you're hung over is like a sneak peek into how you're going to be as an old person. You can barely get out of bed. You'reitting water you're cranky you're hunched over you know you regret everything and your friends talk about you like you're old like he doesn't remember much you know and it's kind of getting it's getting chuckles but uh it's not it's not going where i needed to go and i tried a whole thing about like all my friends don't get hung over like i do i'm a mess next time i get hung over I'm gonna go to an old folks home and just because

I can relate to them you know like I was shot at nom and I was like I was taken down by shots too but again it's okay I don't know if it's taken down by shots yeah there's something funny about uh I mean this is maybe too obvious but the idea of your mumbling slurs, like, what was that? You're like, it was a different time. Oh, that's good. Like something about. What I did then. It was a different time.

Yeah, you were drunk. Yeah, that's good. All right. I like that. I was a different person. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's good.

Yeah, I was a different person then. I've evolved. Right. Right. good. Yeah, I was a different person then. I've evolved. Yeah, you don't want to see people do it. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, when you're hungover, you're slower. You have no energy. You know, you got no strength.

You don't want to see your grandkids? How drunk did I get? Shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you got to eat. You know, when you're hungover, you're like, I can't eat that. When you're older, you can only eat a few things. So I really tried to find a lot of parallels.

And I was trying it on stage. It was doing okay, but it wasn't. You know when you feel like, oh, this bit's got legs. Maybe there could be something funny about, like, you're in a diner alone. Oh, yeah. Hungover and old people. You're both getting the early bird special, like, for a hot girl waitress. Oh! Early bird. Oh oh that's good that's good we're crossing over

yeah you both woke up at 7am yeah and you're like fuck both can't get it up alright okay I think we got something here you can't get it up is funny yeah wet myself All right. Okay. I think we got something here. You can't get it up. It's funny. Yeah.

Yeah. Wet myself. Smell weird. It needs a big finish. Yeah. But I'll get there. But yeah, I couldn't crack it all weekend. The erection is funny.

Maybe the erection. The racism is funny. Yeah. I'm yelling at kids. I have a playground next to my house, and I was like, God, these kids. They're so loud, this racket. I have found myself saying that. Oh, yeah.

Even birds. When I'm hungover, I'm like, God, the tweet, tweet. I used to live right next to a playground, too, and I was like, I fucking can't ever jack off. They're always fucking laughing. That's a good sign. I would jack it off every day. Can't believe I live next to this place. I'm not even allowed in it.

All right. What do you got on the bit? My bit? Yeah, your bit. I wrote it down. I had some ideas, so I got to write it down because i'm fucking well i don't know i just wrote this one on the way here but i think there's something to this so i was reading this article on uh it was in the new york times which david brooks wrote this

article about like how if someone's tied if someone's fired because of the color of their skin it's racist you know if it's because they're a woman it's sexist but there's no recourse for ugly people that was his whole point oh so i want to kind of go off this point my own way yeah it's like you know like well i think the problem is like it's because beauty is in the eye of the beholder yeah you know i mean you can't be like oh i got fired because i'm not attractive and the judge is like well i think you're attractive and you're like well objectively i'm not good looking yeah yeah i think so the angle i think is like you can't you can't put the boss in the stand because that's where it gets weird it's like uh oh that's under oath would you bone her that's good and they're like well there's no

good answer if you say no you get sued if you say yes you're fired right right that's good that's one angle i had then i wrote this down it's like it's called lookism that's when you when you when you judge someone based on how they look it's called lookism come on that sucks because that's just a word you use for what you see right right that's like that's like like that's pretty messed up the way you used your eyes yeah you know what i mean like so this is very the only person who's innocent is the blind guy exactly yeah they actually they make glasses for this it's just uh yeah they just put black uh sleeves over the eyes yeah uh no you're right the blind guys don't even blind people touch your face oh yeah yeah

even blind people like let me oh shit you know yeah uh but then i had a few angles for this i want to go one was i think the more progressive we, the more loopholes there's going to be for people getting fired in the future. Like, like, it's not my fault I got fired. You know, I'm personality challenged. Oh, I think there's something there. Like, how many excuses are going to be? Right. Right.

Oh, yeah. Interesting. You know, like people are going to get fired from the military. It's just fucked up. I got I got discharged. You know that I'm fucking bravery to get fired from the military. This is fucked up. I got discharged. You know that I'm fucking bravery challenged, you know? Oh, yeah, right, right. How politically correct are we going to have to be?

Yes, yeah, I used to get fired for being gay. Now it's going to be everything. It's everything. That's interesting. And as an excuse for everything. So this is my turn. I took too long to get here, but this is my turn. These are just notes I took.

But I'll tell you who's the most inclusive group. Drunks. Because drunks see beauty in everyone. Right? Sometimes I'm drunk and I look at a woman that sober me didn't find the beauty in and I pat myself on the back. Yes. Right? And I'm like, man, when is the rest of the world going to catch up?

Man, that's a big angle. There's something there, right? That's big because we call it beer goggles, but all we also say hey see the beauty in everything but when i do you see i got beer goggles maybe i'm just open-minded maybe i'm just uh you know maybe i got a big heart or whatever that's good i'm inclusive i'm inclusive it's not beer goggles i'm inclusive drunk people are inclusive yes this is why we can't you know everybody's like how come alcohol is legal and not weed because booze makes you wouldn't be here without booze i'm not inclusive when i'm high yes when you're high you fucking lock the door i want to get the hell away

from people that's interesting yeah something here i'll crack i love this there's something here yeah i mean you really uh really this open. There's a lot here. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's not there yet at all, but there's something here. Well, I think another angle could be looks are subjective, but all these other ones aren't. Like gay, black, Asian, man. That's not subjective, but looks are.

So that's the only one where you can't really call someone ugly because like you said somebody will find you hot well beauty privilege is like a thing you know yeah that's that is that's like weird that like no one talks about them if you're like a hot person like you haven't you have an easy life of course because nobody wants to go i'm ugly now nobody wants to be that guy who's like i'm calling it i'm ugly is that why they don't march yeah yeah the ugly parade would be a nightmare the ugly parade is like yeah i have a joke about the baby march because i have a joke about but there's like a joke about uh fuck the ugly yeah ugly people don't mobilize because ugly people are like I'm not going to meet anyone there. You know? Right, right.

Yeah. Yeah, that one makes sense. No fat guy marches. They don't walk. Yeah. But here's the turn. They can have a fat guy rascal off. They all just take scooters. Just 10 miles an hour. Here's the turn.

Sure, it's an ugly parade, but it's not ugly if you're drinking. And you bring it all back around. Yeah, then we just call it St. Paddy's. There we go. There we go. There we go. They're ugly.

The Irish are ugly. Take that, you mix. All right. I love the Irish. Redheads are very sexy. Irish women are pretty damn hot. Oh, Shiv. The freckles. Shiv on a commission. Redheads are very sexy. Irish women are pretty damn hot. Oh, Shiv. The Freckles?

Shiv on a commission. She's Australian, isn't she? I think she is, but they could be Irish and Australian. Yeah, no, maybe. But, I mean, what a- Did you see the trailer for season three? No! Season three of Succession is coming, dude.

I cannot wait. It's about time. That's probably my favorite show. You got me hooked. It took me two tries, but, man, once I got in, I was in. I really pushed you. And guess what else I pushed you to watch that you haven't watched yet? Oh, I got to do it. You got me hooked. It took me two tries, but man, once I got in, I was in. I really pushed you. And guess what else I pushed you to watch that you haven't watched yet? Oh, I got to do it.

I got to do it. Rick and Morty. Yeah, yeah. Give it a shot. I will do it. It's so good. Dude, yeah, Succession's the best show. The best.

The best. Even that theme song. I would be dancing in the living room. It's so good. I've watched it. I think I've watched it all twice. Yeah. It's just so fucking watchable. I think I have watched it all twice yeah it's just so fucking watchable very adult

it's very I don't want to say subtle it's the perfect amount of action in a show it's not Game of Thrones but it's not fucking Downton Abbey you're right

and it's fucking funny it's funny, it's like you're right and it's fucking funny it's funny it's real it is arrested development as a drama oh you're right it's like it's rich people it's rich people who are fucked up who are conniving and getting trying to get what they want and it's a family who keeps kind of dicking each other over yeah wow that's a great review. Arrested development for a drama. Also, heavily steeped in comedy. You're right. Oh, McKay.

McKay. He was on Kevin Hart's podcast. He was on my basketball podcast. And your podcast. Yeah. He's the best. Oh, yeah. I think we talked about that already.

But, yeah. He seems like the coolest. I love him. He's great. Everyone's got a podcast now. Conan pulls out his show to do a pod. Kevin Hart has a pod. Obama has a pod.

Obama's got a pod with Springsteen. Isn't that the, what is this? It's this rush hour two or another 48 hours here? It's crazy. Is Trump going to start one with Ted Nugent? What the hell's next? Yeah, right? That would be kind of entertaining.

That would be a great pod, actually, yeah. Trump's new segment. All right. In this segment, we rank women based on their looks. Five, four, five. And every time he talks, Nugent hits a riff. It's called the Golden Pony. Oh, man.

That would be good. I should probably listen. I'm kind of curious, but I just am like, I don't give a shit. What, Obama? Yeah, I'm kind of curious. I think Obama was good, and I don't want to ruin it, you know, because it's going to be like, hey, this is Barack Obama, and he's all dignified and integrity, and then he's like, Dollar Shave Club.

You got to get on it. I listened to him on Bill Simmons' podcast, and they were just talking basketball, and it was kind of cool. Oh, really? It's cool to have a president who is into the NBA. Yeah, that is pretty great. It was kind of fun. That's pretty great. I mean, we haven't had any fun with a president since Clinton did the sacks on Arsenio, you know, and the sack.

That wasn't the only time he was using his fingers in the 90s that was everywhere uh but uh yeah it's funny like trump would be trump's great because he would only compliment athletes that were nice to him oh really like tom brady is one of the best winners like you guys are just friends right like he's really, his ego was so big, he'd be like, I'll like you if you tell me you like me. Yeah, yeah, that's true. He was really biased. And Biden, you're like, this dude doesn't watch any sport. No, maybe golf, maybe.

Maybe a matlock. But that's it. Right, right. Oh, boy. Hopefully he makes it through the whole presidency. You never know. It's getting a little weird with makes it through the whole presidency. You never know. It's getting a little weird with the speeches and the flubs. Well, you saw him get down on one knee with that woman who had all those kids.

Did you see that thing? No. He got down on one knee, and you're like, that's a fucking, that's a bold move for a man his age to do on camera. Wow. Because, like, I get down on one knee. It might not be a graceful pop back up. Right. But when you're pushing 80 and you get

down on one knee that's bananas fucking that's a lot i can't believe he pulled a kaepernick at this age jesus christ biden what is he thinking i can't believe the dog outlived him well he got in shit for this too because he got in shit because you get down on one knee it was almost like he was being like wow you've given birth so many times uh-huh but but they're like well that's not very feminist that you like think like oh i have to get down on one knee for this woman you're like can people do anything without people just getting i know relax everybody yeah yeah it's tough maybe he was like that was his way of being like i bet your pussy hurts let me let my knee hurt for a second yeah can i have some solidarity with you right right a knee for a knee or a knee for a labia i don't know what the hell's up my mom gave birth twice tore the vagina butthole bridge oh nice

twice yeah so i can't imagine what did she give birth? Eight times, you said? I think this person was, you look it up, I think it was 12. 12? Just like a Biden knee. I mean, that undercarriage must be just ruined. Like a fucking skyscraper in Miami. Jesus Christ. Sorry. Can we wait till all the bodies are discovered before we do this one?

Well, by the time this comes out, they'll be found, I'm sure. Jesus Christ. I'm trying to Jesus Christ. That was crazy because it was like, I don't know the exact numbers on this, but the condo in Miami, it's like they inspect buildings I think every 40 years

and this one was like 39. So they were going to inspect the next year. So I got an idea. 39 years. There you go. How about we do it then? There you go.

Is that crazy wow they expect the woman every 20 years all right but that was bad i don't even know what that means i don't know my point is as when a woman had the joke rhythm down and it made me laugh when a woman is in her at her in miami at 39 they've already given up, is what I was saying. Condemned! Thank you. I've been drinking Poppleboos. This is good. I think you're going to like what I bring in next week. You've inspired

me. Alright, a lot of sugar. A lot of sugar. What are we going to do, man? Yeah, alright. Do we go short? The booze... No, let's plug Dave. Good idea. Hit good. Let's plug Dave. Good idea. Hit him.

Hit him. I got, this comes out. All right, so let me do. Okay. So, all right, I'll be in Nashville this weekend. Zany's the 23rd through the 25th. I hope you come out. Brokerage Comedy Club in Belmore, New York july 30th and 31st good room uh lex i'm

bringing great comics with me i'm bringing dina a sham to that i got ron on herschberg who's a killer with me the following weekend in lexington kentucky hell yeah uh the 5th through 7th then august i've got uh kansas city missouri i've got portland oregon i've got Kansas City, Missouri. I've got Portland, Oregon. I've got Royal Oak, Michigan. Then September, Boston, Philly, Millersville. Fucking all over. Moon Tower for Austin. It's going to be fun because St. Louis Helium.

All at samorell.com slash shows. Every fucking week we're doing this. I'm grateful to be back out there. I know. It's nice the road is good people are loving comedy again which is a real treat uh i'm at the philadelphia helium one of my all-time favorite clubs that's gonna be a hot one top five yeah easily easily then helium buffalo that'll be fun dayton funny bone appleton and skyline, Arlington Improv, Brea Improv, Albany Funny Bone, West Palm Beach, Comedy Connection, Comedy on State.

Did you do that yet? By the time this is out, yes. Okay. Well, I can't wait to hear about that. I'm also at Zany's in Nashville, Rochester, Richmond Funny Bone, Portland Helium, all kinds of dates. MarkDormanComedy.com. Love it, man. Check it out.

Get on the Patreon. Email us at WeMightBeDrunkPod at Gmail. And any packages? Should we open this real quick? Patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunkPod. And the new YouTube channel. Make sure you get on that. Matt, do we have an address for that that we're going to use?

We don't know yet. All right. But just we'll post it in our stories on Instagram. And I'm sure you'll find it. Just right. It's pretty easy to find. Oh, this is two packages. We got a package.

And then. Thank you. And then, yeah, keep emailing us. Keep listening. We're going to open this package on air before we leave. Let's hope it's not weird. It's going to be like a cease and desist. All right.

Here we go. Wow, this could be interesting. Oh, we should say we're starting a bar here. We're building a bar, so you want to send us anything. Wow, what is this? I don't know. Weird. Is that Everest?

Or is that Rainier? Okay, okay. That looks like a rattlesnake. I'm confused. Maybe this is a riddle. No note? No note. Okay. So, yeah, and you can remember when you mail us stuff,

it's at Gotham Studios, 39 West 38th Street in New York City. Who should they address it to, Matt? God, yeah, just Gotham, though. What is this? You're sending us your screensaver? What is this shit? I think it's going to be Bart Work. Oh, all right, Bart Work.

Another mountain, hey? We are on repeats already. I don't understand the snake. I'm flattered that you sent us a gif, but I don't understand the snake exactly. You sure this is for us? What the fuck? Is there a little girl's pigtail in here, too? Is this a ransom?

What the hell is this shit? Mark and Sam's drunks. And there's no note. A note? What's the vice? Maybe it's in the Patreon. Maybe give that a look for an email or something. Oh, boy.

This feels like... Oh, it's like leathery, too, the picture. Oh, wow. Maybe there's a photographer out there. I mean, look. They're cool photos. I'm not going to knock on them. What movie?

What's in the box? Thank you. Your wife's pretty little head. Yeah. All right, all right. John Doe's got head. Yeah. Is that right? All right. John Doe's got the upper hand. Feel that.

That's kind of weird, right? Ooh, that's nice. What do you think? This is nice stuff. Whoever that sent this, I guess it's for bar art. Canvasonsale.com, Northwest 173, Miami, Florida. All right, well, maybe this was stuff that was in the condo. So is this just supposed to be like American art or some shit?

I don't know. Yeah, all right. Is that Everest? Where is Everest? The Alps? No. Andes? That's a mint.

Where the hell is Everest? It sounds American, but it ain't. It is. No, it's not. Where is Everest? It sounds American, but it ain't. No, where is it? I fucking read a book on Everest and I'm forgetting. I read that fucking, the guy who wrote End of the Wild. This is embarrassing. Wait, End of the Wild is Everest? No, but the same author who wrote that book.

I fucking read both of those. Great movie. Great book. I think it's in Nepal. I think you're right. But now you got to look it those. Great movie. Great book. I think it's in Nepal. I think you're right. But now you got to look it up. K2. K2.

The ski gear. You're right. Nepal and China. Wow. It's Asian? Yeah. There was a crazy book on it. The guy who wrote Into the Wild wrote it.

And it's like Sherpas and people not making it. It's crazy. Now they have Wi-Fi on Everest. Fun fact. True story. Because you want to be on TikTok when you're taking in the world's greatest view. Well, you've got to post the gram. It's not the tallest mountain, though.

I think you're right, but everybody talks about Everest. It's kind of like how we talk about this comic, but he ain't the funny. All right, good shit. Well, this was a hot episode, guys. Thanks for listening, and keep on keeping on. Keep on drinking. What do you got? Tall.

All right, fine. It's tall. It's tall. Yeah, one of the parts of the book is they could see the top, but the weather was up it was like crazy wow so they were like well that you're gonna die if you may so you imagine making it all the way up there and they're like this is probably a bad idea to get to the absolute top oh god that's crazy but it's crazy it was just people who have enough money to like have a sherpa like you have you make enough money to just be like yeah i'll uh i'll just pay you to take me up right what both of those careers both those lives are so weird to me yes one of them is like it's my job to help me

it could be like some fucking financier yeah it's just like i want to see the top of everest and some sherpa's like i'm kind of in this for the love of the game but you're yeah they couldn't be more different i didn't know i was part of some rich douchebag's bucket list. Yeah, but he's getting paid handsomely, I'm sure. The Sherpa's the real hero. Sherpa's a badass. Because he's done it eight times instead of once for the photo op. It's badass. Pretty badass.

And they'll get no love. By the way, if we're doing, this is a horrible idea for a sketch, mountains on dating apps. You know, you got K2. Hey, very tall. Getting laid. All right. Turn the camera off.

I've been drinking. You know, then you got some other, the Andes. Oh, you say you're 3,000 feet. You're only 28, you know. Yes. Thank you. Okay,000 feet. You're only 28, you know. I'm 28. Yes. Thank you. Okay. Rockies.

Joke was Rocky.