We Might Be Drunk - Ep 33: "Very Drinkable"

Episode Date: July 26, 2021

Sam Morril brings in a 12% natural wine that causes things to get out of hand.  Great episode, a lot of bits, recs, and peeves. Mark Normand tells us some new things about his relationship with his dad.  Join us on the Patreon to get more from the duo. Patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod https://www.sammorril.com/ http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Thanks to Gotham Podcast Studio for hosting. 

we might be drunk we might be drunk as long as we are hanging out you know we might be drunk raise a glass let's talk shit have peeps wrecks and a bit maybe drunk we might be drunk yo i feel like i always started you started all right I don't want to hog it. Thanks for, you're a selfless guy. I try to, you know, be in equality. Well, you were asking me right before this, and I was like, let's save it, because I like to just talk about whatever we're talking about. Sure. You don't know what do not disturb is on your phone?

Well, I said, hey, are you going to go airplane mode? You said do not disturb. I go do not disturb all day. What does that mean? mean well i miss a lot of calls because i do this it just doesn't alert it doesn't your phone doesn't ring okay and you don't see the text but i just get to the text when i see the tech oh i love that it doesn't light up exactly oh i like that save some battery well it saves battery but it's also you're just like every time your phone vibrates you're like distracted. Right, right.

This way you can kind of like be like, I'll deal with it all at once. I like that. I like that. Okay, what do I push? You just do this thing here. Okay. You swipe down and then you do the little moon. Oh, the moon.

I never knew what the moon did. I thought it was some kind of night mode or some shit. It kind of is night mode. I guess so. You see, you're away from it. And you were saying before this that you got you got weirded out by our friend salicus you helped him pick up his kid and that i don't know why that weirded you out well me and fat sally were hitting a diner and he was like oh shit it's 3 10 or whatever

or 2 30 i gotta go pick up my kid and i was like ah i'll see you later and he was like it's two blocks away in hell's kitchen i was like all. So I walk over there and it's just this, you know, public school with 100 parents outside. And they're all like, Billy, Timmy. And the kids run in their arms. I was like, I got to get out of here. It was too much. It was too wholesome. And, you know, his kids are so cute.

I guess it's better than the opposite. We're like, I got to do this more often. Yeah, exactly. That's weird that it's just parents yeah i don't know it made me think about my parents and then i was like do i want a kid and then i took one home but uh yeah i don't know it was just it was too feely and then his kid had another kid with him and he had chocolate all over his mouth and the whole he was cute and the kid wouldn't shut up and i had to hold one of their hands and we went to a bodega. And Salacuse bought them a Snickers.

And they were like, oh, my God. And it was too much. Dude, candy to a kid. Oh, man. You see why these pedophiles go straight to the candy. They love it. It works. They really, candy.

What is it with kids, by the way, with like chocolate? And it's just, they cannot hit the inside of their mouth. I know. It's like always like a chocolate beard. That's true. Yeah. I mean, it looks like they're all eating ass. And it's a problem.

But I think their, what do you call it, their hand-eye coordination isn't as skilled. We have years and years of ours of dick. That's why you can also hit kids. Yes. They're terrible with the blocking. It's true. Yeah. Wouldn't it be fun fun this is a dark open

right yeah that's true well i was about to get darker but wouldn't it be fun to just i feel like how many kids do you think you could take before they took you down i'm talking like five year old how many i think i could take them all i'm talking but it's an unlimited amount just coming at you you hit it once so they go down i think yeah mean, you could kick to the face. It's that perfect height. Yeah, for sure. So you think like 100. I think if no one really got hurt, it'd be like a fun video game type thing. Yes.

Just to see how many you could pull off. Oh, and you could throw them. You could throw them into each other. You could spin them and hit all the other ones. Oh, my God. You feel like Conor McGregor for just a minute. Yes, exactly. It's kind of like when you play Kid Jeopardy and you're like conor mcgregor for just a minute yes exactly it's kind of like when you play kid jeopardy and you're like i'm a genius what's two plus two you're like oh

my god i'm killing this i bought a fun one in today look at that what the hell is this it looks like 40 it's a it's a natural wine wow the guy at the store called it very drinkable. Ooh. I guess any liquor could be. As opposed to what? But he said it just goes down really easy. Wow. It looks like a soda. It looks like an old school soda. Yeah.

It's natural, so the hangover's not as bad. He said it's good stuff, so let's give it a go, man. And a pop top, like a Coke. Oh, my God. This is very exciting. You're introducing me to all these new drugs. I'm introducing myself to it. I don't know it. Oh boy, oh boy. Ooh, it looks like wine.

We'll see if it tastes like it. It's a nice bold red. I'm gonna give this a sniff. You know who's a bold red? Christina Hendricks Mad Men. Oh man. I'd like to roam those hills.

There we go. Cheers. We look like a couple of old Italian men with these little wine glasses, you know? Oh, that's pretty good. It's like bitter, too. Ooh-wee. That's got a kick. That's us in a couple years right there.

Yeah. I don't know if I would refer to this as very drinkable. What do you think? It's good. Don't get me wrong. I'm just saying. The guy did look like an alcoholic. Yeah.

Yeah. This feels like a down on your luck in a gutter drink. All right. But gutter wine. Yeah, gutter wine. That's a fun name for a wine. Great name for a wine. Ooh, we could do something with that. Yeah, gutter wine. That's a fun name for a wine. Great name for a wine. Ooh, we could do something with that.

Yeah, gutter wine. That's like Coppola just has the wine now. That's like his thing now. Oh, really? Yeah, that's because, I mean, it's crazy. We were talking about it last week. Maybe it was the Patreon, whatever, but how you kind of go out on your terms.

That's what Tarantino's doing, but Coppola, it's like he can't make shit. I know. Isn't that so weird? The guy, you know, The Godfather, probably one of the best gangster movies, if not the best of all time, cannot get a gig in Hollywood.

It's all out of whack. By the way, get on the Patreon, because the Patreon is us after the Eps, so we've got, like, you've got tons of alcohol in us. So it's a different show. It gets more real. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You've got to pay extra for that. Right. I mean, you thought beating up kids was something. Wait till you see the Patreon. Yeah, so go to patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod and give us a review on the iTunes. It's pretty good. Very good. I bet it gets more drinkable as we go. I think you might be drunk pod. And give us a review on the iTunes. It's pretty good. Very good.

I bet it gets more drinkable as we go. I think you're right. Yeah. I'm into it. I think the first sip is not supposed to be like I can have a whole bottle. I think that comes. Right. I hate to be a coos, but you put two ice cubes in there.

I bet it helps. Yeah. Well, it just keeps it because it's so cold right now. It helps. I can't get behind the ice cubes and wine i've never done it but this i feel like would do it this is going to segue into my wreck can i give you i just re-watched sideways oh my god i love sideways it's like the perfect movie to watch anytime yes alexander payne yeah yeah so good paul giamatti's great and the the him and

thomas hayden church like chemistry it's amazing it's so it's so real yeah it is because you do have that friend where you're like i'm just friends with him because we grew up together he drives me nuts i love him but he's not a good human being right and like everyone has that friend yes you know and like yeah the way he just couldn't turn it off like he's like literally he's on his fucking you know this is supposed to be like a quiet yeah like just try some wines and he's like i can't i need to fuck everyone like like literally the scene in the end where like the heavy waitress he's like i bet she'd be two tons of fun he's like can't we just have a meal i know and then the other guy's going through a divorce or a book he's like he can't get his book sold or something going on jimati like he's waiting to hear

yeah i was like oh shit that's such a relatable phone call where you're on with your agent and they're just like for whatever reason this one's not going to go. And I'm like, oh, fuck. How many of those have we heard? Too many. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's so true. I mean, we're on YouTube, folks. But, yeah. But that is, how did he think of that?

You know, you hear a premise and we go, oh, that could be a bit. Or a director or a writer is like, that's a movie. That premise is a movie. This, it's just so loosey-goosey like two friends on a wine retreat kind of thing it doesn't really have bones there but yet pain was so good he's like no no this is gonna be but it's mapped out like you keep like you know it doesn't feel like it does but things keep happening like i i watch it differently each time i watch it because it's like the perfect comedy but it also has like those scenes where you're like no this is like moving some of these yes so there's that there's those parts like if

you haven't seen it sorry just giving some spoilers here but there's the part where you know he tells her basically he slipped he let he sees that woman he likes maya yeah he lets it slip that you know as he's banging her good friend right that he's getting married so there's like things where she's like you fucking lied to me there's like stakes raised he lies banging her good friend. Right. That he's getting married. So there's like things where she's like, you fucking lied to me. There's like stakes raised. He lies to her about the book. There's little things that you're like, ooh, shit, is he going to get caught for this? So they build the, there's still like a plot.

Yeah, for sure. Even though it doesn't feel like it, though. It doesn't feel like it. It's that Lucia movie. Yeah. You know those comics you see where they're saying brilliant shit, but the technique is hidden. You know, it's not like da-da-da-da-da-da.

Yeah. But they're still killing. Like a Patrice o'neill exactly exactly and that movie is like that where there's a there's an arc and an a story and a b story and act one act two but you don't feel it and when shit happens it almost surprised you because that's the type of movie you can lose yourself in where you're like this i love a movie that makes you laugh one minute and it makes you be like oh fuck that was like a great, that was like a great. Yeah. That was like a great monologue. There's a whole thing. I mean, it's like kind of cheesy, but it works because Giamatti is such a good actor when he just has this whole monologue about why he loves Pinot Noir.

Right. And it's like, well, it's, you know, it's not what people don't like the slightest thing. It doesn't work. It's not respected by people the way this is. Yeah. Oh, that's how you feel about yourself. I love that. Great catch. this is and yeah oh that's how you feel about yourself i love that i just love it i mean it's like i mean it's a it's an obvious thing but it's just like i i was like ah it's just like so many lines like that that are that just rock and it's great because it's one of those movies where

i bet it was written for him and mine because he's so good at it he was that was his breakout totally breakout well he was in uh american splendor private parts breakout. Well, he was in... American Splendor. Private parts, too. Well, he was, I think, known as a really good actor. American Splendor, great movie. Yeah. But, like, I don't think he was known as, like... Yeah. It's like a, like, well, this guy's box office right now.

Right. I think he was just known as a really good actor. Yeah, almost like a Hoffman. Yeah. Yeah, like the ugly guy, but he's so talented. Hoffman. Yeah. Yeah. Like the ugly guy, but he's so talented. But I feel like this movie let him be, let him

showcase how great he really is and killed it. He's incredible. Incredible. And Thomas Hayden Church was all I knew was Wings. Remember he was Loyal or Lyle or Lowell in Wings. You ever see Wings? Oh my God.

Tampon with Wings. Maxip't remember that. You ever see Wings? No, I never watched it. Oh, my God. Tampon with Wings, Maxi Pad. But yeah, it was a horrible sitcom that I watched every episode. It came on after Cheers, and that's the only reason it got any love. Ooh, a good lead-in. Great lead-in. Cheers was the number one show on TV. Wings eventually, or Cheers moved. Wings got canceled.

Seinfeld went in after Cheers, and that's what saved Seinfeld. Holy shit. Fun fact. Damn. I've read every book on Seinfeld went in after Cheers And that's what saved Seinfeld Fun fact I've read every book on Seinfeld I'm sure Just because the show is such an unheard of kind of show It's so innovative and weird And it was bombing For four seasons it was bombing

And then it got on after Cheers and it saved it They would never let a show breathe like that anymore No way And then it becomes the best show of all time. A show is like a good drinkable wine. Yes. Sometimes it needs a minute to breathe. Hear, hear.

Anything. I mean, there's a lot of comics who it's like, I feel like didn't find themselves until a certain point. And then they like kind of turn that corner. Oh, yeah. You can even say that about like Louis C.K. Oh, for sure. Rock.

Yes. Rock. His old stuff, you're like, all right. He's just like an angry guy, whatever. And then he just clicked. Yeah. I mean, there's that old story about like Louie and Sarah Silverman and a couple other guys. David Tell went to go see him at Caroline's.

He's been on the road for like two years. We haven't seen him. Headlines, Caroline's. They're all in the back like, what is this? This is new. It was Bring the Pain. They'd never seen it. They saw it live and they're like, who's this guy?

I could never do this. So it changed the game. You've heard that story with Martin Lawrence about that? No. Oh, my God. Did you say this? You didn't say this on the show, did you? Did I say this there, Matty?

I don't think so. What's the story? Basically, Chris Rock was like this funny guy, great writer. You know, he had a little stint on SNL, so he's getting some heat.'s a comic at heart he's on the road he's like i should do more black rooms this guy opens for him blows him off stage martin lawrence martin lawrence a young martin lawrence and he was like oh my god i can't follow this and then he he like changed his life where he's like i gotta start walking around that's where all that shit came from like pacing the stage because he was like i have to move rock had a little sam kinnison in him oh that like kind of holding the room and that that booming voice totally although you see rock at a

comedy club he's just kind of talking the bits out but yeah yeah it's funny that like you know what's the worst thing about drinking is with your friend and you're like he's already told me this story we literally built the podcast around that it's a speaking show and i'm like i think i've told mark this i can't and then you tell me we definitely did right don't forgive us at home for this please tell me what i've told you because i'm back at you because i do it too okay we both do it it's embarrassing because i've been hanging out with guys and i'm like ah but it's my fault too because i'm like i don't remember till halfway through sometimes right right but i told you that on here yeah ah it might have been a patreon all right all right well we good i mean look guys it's like you can't win it's like some

people are mad we're not drunk enough other people are mad we repeat what are you gonna do yeah it's kind of adorable my my girlfriend has a pod now and she's like i'm getting all this uh these mean comments i'm like oh buckle up bitch it's about to get way worse this is this is just the the beginning you called her a bitch that's the name of the pod it's a pod about driving called buckle up bitch and uh yeah you just start speaking in common you're like another unfunny woman but yeah so she's like this guy was kind of mean to me just i'm like are you kidding yeah oh my god pull out a scroll i got a great one today that i had to post because it was like uh uh another hetero man uh well let me wait let me

read it because i had to screenshot it and maybe some of these make me laugh like of course it's so funny that we've gone so far like uh progressive that it becomes now you're judging me based on my skin my sexual orientation my you know all this shit and you're like what are we doing it was a clip of me bombing on morning tv which i think are always funny yeah so uh i posted on tiktok it does a shitload of views on tiktok oh yeah but then you know you get the people i always like to lead in with like bombing So people are like if it's positive they're like you're not bombing But if it's bad they're like yeah you fucking yeah you're bombing

You stink So this guy writes ah yes the forgettable experiences of a white hetero man is comedy I thought that's what we did here I thought we were observational comedians I know I thought that was making the mundane funny Yeah exactly Jesus Christ

What are you gonna do Yeah yeah I mean there's psychos everywhere But it's kind of I kind of enjoy it I think it's funny I don't look for it but every once in a while I'm like let me see And I'm like oh it's kind of funny I should enjoy it more but I It's ridiculous how do you not

It is yeah I don't know. But that guy's walking the streets, and you could bump into him at Whole Foods and be like, oh, sorry, man. He's like, oh, no problem. Then he goes home. He's like, white hetero man. That's what bugs me.

Does he need every story to be like, and that was one about slavery. And you're like, does everything have to be murderous and horrible? I agree. I agree. I'm with you. Not everything has to be about... Not all comedy has to be about someone's plight and i agree i agree i'm with you not everything has to be about not all comedy has to be about someone's plight some there's escapist comedy of course i mean nate bergatze is doing very well on netflix and he sells out everywhere i think we're kind of

craving a little bit of just like well not everyone's comedy is for everybody well that too that too but we got into this weird thing where i don't know the world's all fucked up but like ted bundy's got a doc and then we gotta have another doc about dom or like the 15th we love murder now we always loved it but now it's like so in type true crime is is bigger than ever what do you think it is why michael jackson's gotta have a documentary like we know we fuck kids do we need to like have the scene where the guy's butthole gets opened up and all that they know it's gonna get a lot of eyeballs because it's michael jackson yeah for that one that's it's obvious why they made that and also it's like they're those people who are like well i love michael jackson but let me see uh how i feel about this it's it's those

are tough with michael jackson because we're complicit right because that's why it takes so long to turn on people like that. Yeah. Because it's like, we all fucking love his music. Yeah. I mean, I still hear it at Target. Oh, my God. I heard like Billie Jean the other day and I was like, it's a good song, man.

Great song. I mean, the guy's talented. Beat it. You can beat two things. Yeah, beat it. Yeah. That's what he did. But yeah, it's just weird because we like craved it for a while.

It was almost kind of like i felt like we were going very we gotta love everybody and body positivity and don't shame so then you almost have to like even it out with uh hey here's a pedophile let's all hate him that's what it feels like it is i do feel guilty watching this sometime because it's like you forget that they're real people oh i'm literally watching like a dateline episode and her body was never discovered i'm like past the pad time you know we're so disconnected from it completely i mean that's all social media is like you fucking cuck bitch and you're like my mom might see this you know you psycho relax what's the beef i'm a

human being it's it's weird like those murder docs are like they are addictive too yeah i think part of it is like we all in our heart like want to be part of like there's something so satisfying about piecing something together too i think that's why people love the forensic files is like all right well like that they use science to solve a murder so like yeah that's cool it's like in the end there's justice like that but then you have like one's like unsolved mystery yeah i don't love i don't like it you get no closure no closure i want an orgasm at the end i want that uh that dead body to jizz on it is it is it's fucking without coming it is yeah yeah where'd the condom go i don't know but yeah i don't like that i want

it to i want to have the the button on it it's fucking it's fucking without coming because uh there's a less life ah there we go i like it but write it down write it down that could be something but uh dude i love the uh although i do there are some unsolved ones. Like, you know what was a pretty good one on HBO? Murder at Middle Beach. Is that what it was called? Loved it. Loved it. That was good because we don't need to know it.

Like, if the journey is that incredible. Right, right. I don't really care about the ending because you learn so much about him and his struggle. Made by the son who lost the parent. He lost his mother. And there were some weird parts of that. Oh, the whole Ponzi scheme part was weird. And also there was a part where this old lady next door was like, I saw a gentleman enter the house in a ski mask.

I'm like, first off, maybe we shouldn't refer to him as a gentleman. You know, that's exactly what happened. But the fact that there were like a lot of red flags like that were like you just saw a dude enter in a ski mask. Right. It seemed very clearly to be the dad. I felt like that. If you're just like every time you bring it up, you're like he's like, so who murdered mom? He's like, I thought we were having a sandwich.

Yeah, right. I know. I know. You can't just there are people like that, though. yeah yeah right i know i know you can't just there are people like that though like don't you find that like when you talk try to talk about like really heavy stuff with your dad that it's oh it's hard it ain't easy but if it's a murder i feel like you should at least be able to ask once yeah if your mom got murdered you know yeah you gotta bring it up yeah it's a it's a big matzo ball hanging out there so i get it but man that is uh heavy stuff because it's a it's a big matzo ball hanging out there. So I get it. But man, that is heavy stuff, because it's also you got to remember there's cameras and lights in the living room.

So it's not just like, hey, dad, what's up with this? Or, hey, mom, what's going on here? It's like, hey, here's my crew. We're going to put a little makeup on you. OK, where's mom? You know, it's it's kind of a lot with production there. It is a lot about that. It is a lot.

Yeah. But he was going like secret Mike and that shit like he was showing up yeah you know like with the camera guy outside miked up like you're wearing a wire against your dad isn't that crazy i mean that's got to be fucked up just to even even if you don't think he did it but there's a possibility that kind of that's got to fuck your life up a little bit so you know jason katz my buddy i think you filmed your special he directed i got this yeah there you go jason yeah great guy so i'm this this is this is a little nugget about me i'm so disconnected with my parents and my dad is having some health issues so i asked jason in like a sad text to interview my parents about me

so when they die i'm gonna watch it wow how fucked up is that you can't watch it you can't just ask him like what as them yeah why can't you just i mean i understand videotaping it for when they move on or whatever but you don't want to you don't want to just be like what do you think of my comedy ah it, it's too weird. Is it beyond your comedy or is it mostly? Yeah, it's everything. It's the whole life. It's the whole relationship. And nothing happened.

I wasn't diddled or anything. No, but that stresses me out just hearing it. Well, I feel in my weird twisted logic, I'm like, this is, I'll get something out of this. This is a move in the right direction. Is it going to In any way play into the eulogy Are you going to watch it before you eulogize him Nah nah

I'll probably watch it in like 30 years Really Yeah sit on it for a while let it build some interest Really Yeah I don't know maybe I'll never watch it I definitely think like It is weird Like dads of that generation or not. I mean, look, we're probably, it's probably, like, they're too closed off and we might be too open.

I think that might be the problem. Ah, we have to be open just to, it's our overcompensation. But it's our generation, too. I mean, it's like, they don't, like, we're like, we're the TikTok generation. Sure, sure. Of, like, of these kids who are just, like just like i mean maybe we're a little older than that but like those people just literally on like so i was thinking about this the other day and you're like how much more it's only going to move more forward i know like how forward is it going to be it's literally

going to be like a kid spread ego like here are my balls and uh i think they're weird yeah what do you think send me photos of your balls we can compare yeah you're right it's gonna go there but i just think about you know like there is it is tough i love my dad but i definitely feel like yeah there is a there is a there's a wall there's a wall i think of just people of his generation i don't even blame him. I think there was a much bigger wall with his dad. So for him to be where he is is huge. Yeah, yeah, I agree.

And my dad's got the most fucked up childhood, so I don't fault him. I don't blame him. Military guy, tortured weirdo guy. Tortured in the military? No, no, as a kid. Oh, jeez, you put those back to back i was like was your fucking dad mccain's what the hell waterboarded jesus christ yeah no he uh the waterboard was nothing compared to this video he's got to make for his son i know i know exactly he's gonna hate it but uh my mom texted me like do you know this guy jason i was like oh yeah i probably should have prepped you.

You didn't prep them? I didn't want to text them. That's a whole other thing. You hate any confrontation, probably more than anyone I've ever met. Because I don't like it, but you hate it so much more than me. I hate it. Yeah. I feel like I really don't like it, but I will do it. Yeah, you'll do it.

You'll do it. But you really, like, you just can't do it. Why is that? I don't like it, but I will do it. Yeah, you'll do it. You'll do it. But you really, like, you just can't do it. Why is that? I don't know. I think, well, this is getting into a, what is this, Oprah here? Well, you're interesting. You're an interesting guy. Well, I think it's because my dad was, he had like a short fuse.

Like, he would just turn, like, well, you know, you're petting a cat. And you're like, oh, this is fun. And the cat's like. My dad was like that. You know we're like whoa and it was so scary as a as a little kid that uh i just don't want to don't want to wake the beast and the worst part was his urine you know it's on my couch to market dude i i can't believe i mean i think a lot my dad was like my parents didn't hit me like i've said this on the pod before but like as bad as it got was like the wrist grab you're like you're hurting me yeah but no he my parents were all about like we were very disappointed it's like

very white liberal uh which also stings the disappointed is worse than like come on you piece of shit get Get in your room. The disappointed, you're like, oh, man, I got to get my shit together. But, yeah, I'm fascinated. Like, yeah, I get it. Like, you're scared. I mean, we all have that thing with comics. We're like, look, let's be real.

Any entertainer has that need to be liked. Sure, sure. You have that thing where you're like, I need it so bad. It's so weird to me that, like that people will say things to me like, it's amazing what you do to be on stage. And I'm just like, no, it's amazing what you do to be a well-adjusted person. I know. The stage is easy. Being a normal, well-adjusted member of society takes so much more work. Yeah, yeah.

You're in a cubicle all day, dealing with other people all day, answering phones, talking to people. It's a nightmare. I'm so much more comfortable on stage than I am at like a social gathering. Oh yeah. That's one way, one place we bond. Well, also the stage, there's no stakes really. If you bomb, it's kind of like, I'll bounce back. Yeah. If you you bomb socially that just lingers yes something that's going to be talked about for such a long period of time but it does say something weird about us that we have like there's something about being a comic that i think is like we're saying what we felt we weren't allowed to say yes like growing up we couldn't say this to our family so we're more comfortable saying this to strangers you you know. So but the social thing is tough because you're you bomb socially.

They're like, this guy's weird. This guy's off. This guy's an idiot. You bomb on stage. It's like he had a bad set. It's not really you as a human being, as a person. So you can walk away going, I tried some new. I fucked it up.

I riffed something stupid. I said it wasn't funny. I'll go do it again tomorrow but the party you bomb at the party or with your girlfriend's parents or whatever the hell it is whoo they go this guy's unfit this guy's unwell this guy's a little nutty and you need new friends you need new friends you get a new crowd i need a new group of friends completely for those friends you gotta move out of town i left new orleans and i was like oh i gotta get out of here you know just go to a new place new people you had one bad dinner you're like new york yeah i got a one-way ticket it's true yeah like you still live here you're around all your high

school all your family it's weird yeah it is i can't imagine it's weird um yeah it's tough i mean there's those people like time is like the thing i don't you can't get back like time is everything to me now because i i have very little free time now because i i'm on the road every weekend so then i have like three days here a week usually yeah same one of them is usually like panicking about leaving the next day getting all my shit in order maybe laundry or like packing you ever heard that palisac joke? What's his joke? Great Palisac. Michael Palisac.

Check him out. He has this joke. He's like West Coast Phil Hanley. Yeah. Yeah. He's handsome. He's cute. He has this great joke. He's like, ah, God, I'm so stressed out.

I got a 6 a.m. flight in two weeks. Oh, that's fucking perfect. And you're like, that sums up my whole personality. Damn, that's a great comedy joke. Great line, yeah. Flight in two weeks two weeks it's so true you just it consumes you you're like oh shit i got some sleep tonight but in two weeks i'm fucked i had to wake up for a doctor's appointment this morning at like 7 30 a.m and

it's just like if i wake up at 7 30 in the morning like you can't complain about that to a normal person but to a comic they're like oh you because they comics just get that we're like yeah i go to bed at three no matter what yes exactly there's no way around that no way around it's so funny i'm a 3 a.m man myself and that's me like go i gotta go to bed now it's 2 30 put yourself in bed and the anxiety keeps kicking up every 30 minutes or so you're like fuck my heart beats faster and faster yeah i do a lot of like every hour i wake up to piss and i'm just like god people old people are always like wait till you get older i'm like how much more can i piss i know right you do pee a lot i had to stretch the bladder as a kid i was a bed wetter so my i had two fucking my dad dad, again, old school, no more drinks after 6, so after 6 p.m. I was off liquid. In New Orleans, that heat.

Yes. And then two was, oh, when you have to pee, he's like, I'm not going to let you go because I want you to stretch the bladder. That's like when the parents make the baby cry and they don't help and they're like, for your own good. They did that with your fucking penis. Yeah, I guess so was tough but we play edward 40 hands did you play that in college what is that edward you you you tape the 40s your hands 240s your hand so you can't pee because you can't gonna do your zipper obviously you got 240s in your hand so you had to drink them and i would kill that every time because i had the stretchiest bladder in in louisiana so that's why you don't pee i think is that a thing that you can stretch your bladder matt can you fact check that if that's an actual that feels like people who are like i can get my

dick bigger if i just pull it out that's like the same it feels like the same i tried that too i tried all that rolling it out hanging the. You took one of those ab rollers and just fucking. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you can. Damn, I should try. I got a crazy bladder. You can't do that if you're a woman, though. You get a UTI. Oh, I've had a few of those, though.

Yeah? Oh, yeah. You had UTIs? Many UTIs. I didn't know dudes could get them. What are you kidding? Oh, my God, yeah. But they're not as common in men, are they?

No, no, no, no, no. But they come and go. I've never heard of a man pulling out right after sex being like, I got to pee. It's an emergency. I would do that just to be cautious. But you know Dr. Steve? I know who he is. I've never met him.

If you ever want his number, good guy. If you need a hand downtown. Really? Oh, yeah. Always inspected your garbage? Always inspecting if I got it. I know I called it your garbage. They say you're junk, but your garbage sounds a little more aggressive.

That's true. It does sound worse. Your junk is fine. Your garbage. This is a landfill. I guess because junk can still have value. Oh. Is that what it is?

That's big. I don't know. Yes. Garbage is just garbage. It's ruined. Yeah. I picture a banana peel and a fish bone. Yeah.

But junk could be like an old record player. Yeah. It's like a little flea sale, flea market, whatever. Yeah, yeah. Garage sale. Garbage is no good. But yeah, so I forgot my point. You see the doctor.

Oh, doctor. He touches your penis. He was on speed dial. I got a UTI. He's like, CBS, go get it. I called it in. You know what's funny? With all this telehealth stuff and

you're like doing doctor's appointments on zoom and shit like you're really doing the same shit as a cam girl except you're paying them wait what do you mean well you're whipping your dick out on a fucking camera oh yeah except it's a problem it's a problem yeah we gotta pay people to look at our dick yeah they get to get paid. I know like three chicks who failed in comedy, and now they're killing it on OnlyFans. Yeah, but it's a short-lived. Sure, sure. It's a short-lived career on that. I guess so.

I mean, it's like- It'd be nice to get, you know, 20K. Look, I got nothing- You're doing pretty well on the road. No, I'm just saying if things got weird, it'd be nice. Wouldn't you be more satisfied being like, did you hear the new Norman bit being like, check out Marge's dick?

The joke is more satisfying. Of course, I agree, I agree. But let's just say we weren't funny. Then it'd be nice to be able, there's no fallback. I could be a garbage man. How long could you do that for realistically though the only fans thing i don't know but i think when a 20k check comes in a month you're like it's weird you want to be recognized for your comedy i don't think you want to be recognized in the street

because you're like i've seen your dick before yeah that's a good point that's a good point by the way if you're calling it garbage a garbage man could be a gay guy. Ooh. Ah-ha. There we go. That guy loves junk. Garbage man. Yeah, he collects. Just like a garbage man. What was that smell? By the way, when I was a kid, everybody would be like, garbage man, get paid a lot. And you'd go, well, really?

And then you hear it and you're like, not nearly enough. Not enough. That is a thankless job, especially in New York. You know how many rats they're probably pulling out of there? Oh, my God, you're right. That's a thankless job, especially in New York. You know how many rats they're probably pulling out of there? Oh my God, you're right. That's a thankless job. The hours are shit. Yeah. You smell like shit. Shout out to Garbage

Men. That's a tough ass job. And you're up at the crack of June. I mean, how many times have you been drinking and you're like, oh, the Garbage Men are out. We better go home. I think they always, I don't know. I heard that a lot growing up too. They'd be like, Garbage Men make a lot of money. But then you hear and you're like. Can we get a number on that? What?

That's it? That's not enough. In New York? Oh, that's low. You're keeping this city clean. Yeah. Let's be real. It's not that.

Sure, but. That night, what is it, Monday or Tuesday night when all the garbage is on the corner, you're like, ooh, this is a gross. That's like, it's like Frogger, but with rats. You're just having to get through all these oh the amount of rats it's you know when you have you know i have a west coast girlfriend who when she comes here i have to be like it's like new york is like a shitty roommate yeah that i'm just like hoping will behave ah that's great it's literally like is that a bit no but it could be this is gold yeah but it's like it literally is like rats like homeless dudes with their dicks out yeah we got in a subway car the other day and i'm just like ah nice air-conditioned subway car right then we turn to the left

i'm trying you know yeah yeah there's just a fucking pile of human shit uh and i have to be like oh let's go i just like before she could look i was like oh let's go this way over here let's sit over here right it's like you're the divorced dad with your shitty apartment like no it's fun it's fun it's a it's a dead body play with it hit it with a stick damn that's yeah you're right that's so true new york is i love it so much but it's like if you don't love it you can't argue with it. No. It's insane.

I mean, every time an L.A. comic trashes New York, they always do it. It's kind of hack at this point, but they come to New York and they have to live here to shoot the Daily Show or whatever. And they're like, New York sucks. $18 for a smoothie, the subway, the this and that. And you're like, oh, yeah, that is shitty. And then you see their act and you're like, well, there's a reason we live here. Yeah, exactly. But they're right, well, there's a reason we live here. Yeah, exactly. But they're right.

No, there's a point. I get it. The quality of life is better in LA. Oh, yeah. But New York comics get up more. They're better at literally everything else. They're better actors. They're in better shape. They look better.

They're healthier. They'll probably live longer. Yeah, they sleep better. The industry's all out there. I get it. I get why you're out there. I mean, look, Larry David moved out there. A lot of New York born and raised moved there.

Seinfeld stayed here. You got that right. But also, don't you feel like Larry's energy is like constantly, he's like in a constant state of irritation. So that energy kind of works anywhere. He'd be annoyed in Brooklyn. He'd be annoyed in Manhattan.lyn he'd be annoyed he's like i'll live in la i'll be annoyed yes and him in la is a sore thumb and it's it's great for comedy oh dude the episode of curb where he accidentally tripped shack and they're like there's reports that he's a nicks man and he did it on purpose yes yes that's one of the low-key great great i hate when i hate when people say low-key that's one of the low-key great. Great Fs. I hate when people say low-key.

That's one of the all-time best episodes. Yeah, yeah. It's a real sleeper. That's another one. It's a real sleeper. Sleeper F, or my girlfriend goes, it's a sneaky great F. You're like, it's not sneaky. It's a great F.

What do you mean? Like the episodes, like that Greer Barnes bit when he was sneaking on the train. Oh, yeah, yeah. Suspicious packages. Like the package, he acts it out. Oh, that's funny damn dude he'd be a good guest on this once we start doing guests yeah that's a great i remember that all nighter we pull with him back at ellie's apartment back like 10 years ago that 88 jesus christ i still

have photos might have been 11 years ago yeah we did the strip 12 christmas 12 years ago dude wow it might be yeah it was you me you, me, Phil, Greer Barnes. We just all night. And I remember we were going through like bottles of whiskey. And I remember we were hammered and Greer was fine. Yeah, he was telling stories and we're all like. We're like stumbling and he was just like, oh, this dude can drink. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. This is a pro with a few amateurs here. Yeah, you were dating like a real kind of manhattanite gal she was real cool man i i went to a gallery uh like during the pandemic we did a show on like a we did one of the roof shows yeah and i did one there wait and her she has a gallery she is a gallery in like chinatown it's a tiny little gallery yeah it's great that's like a rom-com like a woody allen movie but she was she had like she loved friends oh i love she was great and she was had a great apartment like up it was a mom's

apartment oh okay but that was my first taste of like because i was so young then i was probably like 25 or something we were kids this is amazing it was all new to me like a balcony in manhattan what the fuck she didn't have a balcony all right well. It was like a one-bedroom in Manhattan. Well, it looked huge to me. It was in Crown Heights. It was a nice building. Yeah, very nice. Doorman, all that shit. You were this New York Jewish comedian.

The whole thing was very foreign to me. It was fascinating. We were hanging on the Upper East. We were hanging at the Strip. Yeah. Yeah, I remember she'd have parties and stuff. Oh, my God. They were fun.

There was a bar cart, and it was very like beautiful apartment, like good architecture. There was a bar cart there. Great bar cart. And she put music on. I was like, this is high society. Dude. And we'd black out. She put on music on?

Well, I don't know. How low was your bar? It was like Billy. Holy shit, music. What was it? What's that name? It was like Nat King Cole or something, you know? Yeah, yeah, no.

She would play good tunes. Yeah. There's something about getting drunk to like jazz that just makes you feel like it's like a higher class of drunk. Totally. And it's the Upper East Side. It was cold out. I mean, this is all nothing I've done. We didn't have winter in New Orleans, so it was all very new to me.

It was fascinating. A lot of you guys, if you watch us on YouTube, we're doing a lot of like kind of summery drinks. It's hot as fuck outside. Oh, it's brutal. In the winter, I'm kind of pumped to do some like maybe some peaty scotches. Maybe we'll get some like Ardbeg in the mix. Right? We'll do.

I love it. We'll do it. But maybe we'll have Fat Cat by then. Yes. Maybe we'll have a ride by then. Good call. I do need it to get cold. I'm not a fan of the summer.

I hate the heat. Really? Yeah. People go, you're from Louisiana. Why do you hate the heat? Well, go we were southern why do you hate the evil i still you know i hate my dad too you know it doesn't matter where you're from joking dad but uh we had a breakthrough in this episode and you can't just turn on it oh no i'm just worried about the guys getting old but uh i just i hate the heat i can't like my

i don't know my atoms are moving too fast in my body. It's too much. Look at all the hot places. They're all at war. Cold plate. Well, I guess Russia's fucking psycho, too. I take it all back. They went out like Gs, too. What do you mean?

Oh, man, those World War II battles. I feel like they always lost the most men. Oh, my God. Could you imagine? I watched all those documentaries. The dudes putting their feet on the fire just because they're so cold. Like, their foot is in the fire. I'm like, we bitch about everything. These guys were out there for, like, you know, six years or whatever.

It's crazy. There's stories when they would get, like, they would have to go cannibal when they'd be so starved. They would, like, talk about how, like, the butt has the meatiest. Yeah. So they literally ate butt. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. But, I mean you go yeah but i mean that's like good point that's fucking brutal brutal brutal and they would eat those mres and like a cigarette was a treat like oh i got a cigarette you know just what a nightmare like the rats the trenches the cold we complain about ac i know. Got to change the filter.

Here we go. You should see the complaints. I mean, like, you think about it sometimes. I'm like, oh, Wi-Fi goes out for one fucking minute. These people are like, oh, living in debris. Yeah, they don't talk about the war either, which I think kind of hurts their cause. Because I feel like, you know, if someone's like, I was triggered and I don't I felt threatened. You're like, OK, let's hear it. But these guys didn't talk about it.

So they don't get the love either. Yeah, that's a that's a good point. It's like it's all about like you just kind of those people talk the least. Yes. It's literally like grandkids like, Grandpa, do you want to do my podcast? And they're like, oh, I don't. It's kind of painful for me to talk. It's like, well, my podcast, we try to be real. Right, be real right right exactly you know i would talk about the war if i was in the

war but that's cool that yeah but they they can't articulate i get why they don't talk about it because imagine trying to be like okay here we did this or like oh yeah i've been i've been skiing i get the cold like now you don't get it they've shell shock yeah so uh i wouldn't talk about it either another week you haven't watched rick and morty we're gonna get you on it this is the week this is the week yeah going to martha's vineyard next week what any a show or just a vacay just a vacay the lady has a has a pad out there so we're gonna go i've never been i've never been either i'm not a beach guy but i'm gonna get a bicycle we're very similar in a lot of ways i'm not i hate the beach i don't get it i don't hate it but i just like i'd rather

sit in a bar with with a with music and a and a bartender sweeping up and you know i think we're trash i mean like maybe i think like it's classy to like the beach and i think like i'm always kind of like i like like a poolside like a hotel, like a poolside. I'll do poolside. I mean, look, there's some trash on the beach. Don't get me wrong. Oh, yeah, for sure. So the beach is cheap. So I think there is a lot of poor people go to the beach and fucking bring speakers and live it up.

True. So the beach can go either way, but then you got the Hamptons. The beach has a lot of range. Not big on sand is like a real deal breaker for me i don't i don't get it you just it ruins you you ruins the bathing suit you got to shake everything out yeah it sticks to you yeah you got to deal with jellyfish you got to deal yes like it's constant sun then you're sweaty and you're kind of bernie sanders and it's just it too much. You are pink by the end. But no, it's, dude, it's, I'll go.

I'm not so hard against it. If someone's like really passionate about it, I'm like, all right, I'll go. I mean, I was in AC a few weeks ago and DeVito was there with his girlfriend. And she was like very much like, we need to go to the beach. And luckily I was in too much pain to even get out of the hotel. But they got like a banner or something. Oh, good. It sounded fun. If I was up to luckily, I was in too much pain to even get out of the hotel. But they got like a cabana or something. Oh, good. Good for them. But that sounds, it sounded fun.

If I was up to it, I would have gone. Yeah. But it's, I guess it could be, I mean, you get a book and you just sit in the towel. It's kind of nice. Sure, sure. But I feel like you could do that on a terrace or in a backyard. But do you get in the water? Not at the beach.

Oh, well, there you go. How about you? I do, just because I'm like, it's there, I got to do it. But I don't know, unless I'm surfing or boogie boarding. Do you surf? I've never done it. I would love to try it. Yeah, it looks fun.

Yeah, but I never had a good wave. I mean, I think you got to like learn it. Yeah, I think you're right. But yeah, it just always looks like, I don't know. Yeah, I need something to do. I just end up getting shit-faced because I'm like, I need a drink or I'm just sitting here. I don't know what to do. Yeah, you know what I think looks like cool vacation-wise is like a poolside bar.

We just like swim up and they hand you like a vodka or something. Now you're talking. That looks fun. That looks great. Yeah, and there's a cool, charming bartender. We worked our vacations around the bar. Of course, of course. Yeah, I'm on vacation to turn it off,

so I need the alcohol to shut me down. Or else I'm like, I should be tweeting. I should be Instagramming. I should be potting, you know? Yeah, that's so true. There's something about, it's so hard for us to, we worked for so long to get to a point where like my ADD is so bad stand up. It took so long to get to a comfortable and like safe place with stand up that it's hard.

You're like, what am I just supposed to shut down? Yes. Yes. You you love it's almost like a kid like we work so hard to get you into college and we finally are. You're a good kid and you're smart and you're accomplished. I can't just leave you. Yeah. You know, we we built this thing up to something. It's like a like a restaurant, like find the restaurants in the black. And what do you am I just going to go go leave it?

No, I got to stick with it. Yes. Tough business. It is tough. Yeah. Yeah. Like that's why booze will never be illegal look booze kills people all the time uh drunk driving you know domestic abuse it's horrible for people but it takes the edge off yeah we need it we need a drink every now and then i know we do that maybe that's a bit uh-huh well think about that like murder violence drunk driving you're like but it makes you comfortable on the

first date yeah yeah it keeps the world lubricated in a way you know like a lot of is always good lube is good social lube engine lube yeah all that actual lube yeah sexual lube sex lube. Yeah, all that shit. Actual lube? Yeah, yeah. Sexual lube? Sex lube. Have you ever done lube? Have I done it? Have you used lube with your lady? Of course, yeah, of course. Oh, my God. You have to. It's a game changer.

What am I, a superhero? I try not to use it because it's too good. It's almost like doing blow or something. Really? Where I'm like, I don't want to need this all the time. Sure, sure. You want to earn it. It does feel better if you earn it. And my gal's a real gusher. I i mean she's squirting out all kinds of stuff so mine's more of a fruit roll-up i thought we're just doing candy i don't know but uh no i i know what you mean though but lube you gotta get the naturals you don't want to get that ky jelly well what's the natural

it's just any kind that's like not chemical oh okay you don't want to get that KY jelly. Well, what's the natural? It's just any kind that's like not chemical. Oh, okay. You don't want to like, because, you know, I just think the natural is like safer. Yeah, no, I'm with you on that. But they have all these weird ones where it's like warming, massaging, fluid. You're like, I don't trust any of this shit. I don't like that at all. No, I'm with you.

But lube, it is a- You end up with an itchy dick. Itchy dick. That's a great term. That sounds like a Carlin thing. End up with an itchy dick itchy dick that's a great term that sounds like a carlin thing end up with an itchy dick but andy dick's brother by the way but it's uh great on news radio lube is great but it it does take a second where you're like hold on let me get the lube and that kind of can kill you out of it a little bit takes you out of it you have have too many things. Yeah. Yes. Too many accessories. Completely.

Yeah. That's why the condom. That's why it's great being a relation because that condom was a whole thing. It's almost like when you're having a cocktail and you take out the shaker and the stir and sometimes you're like, I just need the drink. Yes, exactly. You can deal with this stuff later, but that's kind of what it all is. You're kind of like, all right, I'm out.

I have the need. Yeah. To do it right now. Right. Right, right. Maybe there'll be a lube-ologist. You know, there's a mixologist who's like, so he makes a thing out of it. There'll be a lube guy.

Put it on your dick, you're like, olives? Crazy. Oh, yeah. Oh, I got to do a wreck or a peeve or something. Do a wreck or a peeve or something. I got some peeve. Oh, baby. All right.

By the way, look at this. Hold on. My moon is on. Oh, baby. All right. By the way, look at this. Hold on. My moon is on. Oh, it worked. Calls and notifications will be silenced. Isn't that nice? This is my first time. Yeah, I love it.

Man, you busted your cherry, but I'll tell you, man, it's nice. I think it's... Matt, would you ever do the do not disturb? You do. Oh, shit. Occasionally, you miss important calls here and there but like they either call back or like it's worth it for the overall just kind of piece yeah because otherwise your phone is vibrating with like push notifications and it's like cnn huffington post

you know my mom you know it's just right right the last one was a joke but uh oh i believed you but it's all news. I know, but I wouldn't ignore her. But it does add up to a point where you're like, I just like to bang this all out. My thing is like, if it's really important, call me. Right. And I'll call you back. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't do the texting all day. And you get stuck in doing the texting all day. And you just can't do other shit. Yeah, no, I'm here with you. Last thing I'll say about booze. You know, I listened to some podcast where a historian was talking about booze. It kept people alive for years.

Yeah. Because you couldn't drink water because it was too dirty. So they drank alcohol because it would kill the germs. So kids would drink cider and shit at breakfast. So isn't that kind of fun that booze kept people hydrated? But booze dehydrated i know but you would the beer was like considered like a cat it was almost like a protein shake like we gotta have a beer break and and keep farming wow yeah what is refreshing even though it dehydrates you like you work really hard all day oh you pop a cold one yeah tilt it

there's something like you i get happy hour like i get needing a drink definitely you know you ever seen uh of course you've seen shawshank that scene where they they tar the roof and they have that bucket of beers with the italian opera you're like oh man that beer looks good shawshank's tough not to watch i know whenever if that's like it's like got that goodfellas effect where like if it's on TV And it's always on TV Like that's when I'm on the road I'm like alright I'll fucking Every time

If I'm in the gym or something And it's on I'm like alright Every I mean Morgan Freeman And Tim Robbins character Tim Robbins is kind of underrated I agree He's always good Always good

How tall is he? I bet he's 6'4 Yeah I think he's a tall couple of inches. Bull Durham, he looked pretty big. Yeah. If you play an athlete, you got to be pretty big. Yeah.

6'5". Whoa, that's a big guy. Yeah, and he- Banging Sarandon. Well, he used to. They're not together anymore. Oh, they're not? No, but he had-

You know what else he did? He did- What was the one? Mystic River is great. What's the Robert Altman movie where he's killer? You know what I'm talking about? Uh-oh. Where's the agent?

Agent? Robert Altman movie? Not the country music one? No. No, I'm thinking a Prairie Home Companion. That's Woody. What's the Robert Altman one? Just look up Robert Altman and Tim Robbins will come up. The Player.

The Player. That's a fucking great movie. Wow, I haven't heard about that movie in a while. We are brought to you by Sheath Underwear. This keeps your ball off your leg. Two pouches, one for your dick, one for your balls. Keeps the ammo separate from the gun. This is great underwear.

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code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order and sheath underwears, money back guarantee that sheath underwear.com promo code drunk get sheath underwear and let them support your balls altman you don't hear about enough he did mash one of the greatest yeah yeah nashville might be ah might be might be i mean that's in the conversation for best musical ever I think I think it's fucking brilliant A lot of musicals about places Chicago, Nashville, Oklahoma Chicago's fun

Great time Never saw Oklahoma It's cute but it's campy old shit Nashville's dark I love it man Yeah you're going there soon Oh yeah I'll be there Dude I love Fucking Lily Tomlin

Got an Oscar nod For that movie Keith Carradine Won the Oscar For best song That's a great song I'm easy Yes

That's a great song That is a great song Man Good pull on Nashville Yeah Alright here's my dumb rec You did your rec Yeah

Sideways Oh great Great rec I had to rent it But man it's just quotable it's worth it i was laughing you get touched by it i think everyone got nominated but giamatti too it was like a load of you yeah well everyone's grading it but like damn you're like it's really his movie wow but uh yeah just like a great great movie that's my favorite kind of movie this just that like people interacting kind of movie like social yeah what i don't know what you call it i know they call it a drama or a dramedy it's a dramedy probably but there aren't enough that

get that balance right where it's funny without being kind of like preachy or kind of like heavy-handed like all the scenes that felt kind of like a little heavy i felt like they earned it completely and it's such a hard like it's hard to think of other movies that do it that well yeah and it's silly at points too like with the the the closer is so great with the fat guy running down the street naked and all that i was dying i knew it was coming i was like i was like just fucking pumped to watch it just the idea that he runs back naked yeah and yeah and and paul giamatti's like like every step is like are you out of your fucking mind but at the same time you know

he's thinking i chose this asshole as my friend yeah i'm his best man it's like there is that thing where like for better or worse i'm stuck with my fucking friends and it's like there is that thing where you're like, for better or worse, I'm stuck with my fucking friends. And there's something kind of beautiful about that. Oh, yeah. They get you in shit. You can't stand them, but you love them. And you still kind of got to do this. Yes, yes.

I mean, it's kind of just perfect. So I don't know. But you tell me your reckon. No, you nailed the movie there. He's like, I got my cock in her ass. Talk about the Asian lady. Oh, man. It's got silliness and it's not pretentious.

All right. And there's like tender moments, but it's also just so fucking silly. Oh, yeah. Like the fact that he's just obsessed with the wine is such a funny trait. Yeah. It's just like, because that movie could be about anything. It's not really about wine. Of course.

Of course. You know, but the wine is the perfect way to get into it. Yep, yep, yep. I think a lot of all great movies and comedy, I think, is like that. Like, you're talking about the subway, and there's no subway in Cleveland or whatever, but they know what you're feeling. And I think that's the, you know, be like. Yeah, feeling of discomfort or.

Yeah, yeah. Like, do you have to change your act when you go? You're like, no, no, people don't get it. They get what I'm saying here. They've been to new york they've seen movies about new york yeah or they just get it yes they've been on a bus i've never had to change a new york joke never same here same here like you know you go to australia or whatever and you're like do they have uber here like they'll get it they know what you're talking about. All right. Now, this is cheesy. I'm a big self-help, self-improvement douche.

And one trick I learned, I want to read more. I see all these books. I have stacks of books. I order books, and I never read them. So, you know, you go, I'm going to read that book. That book looks amazing. And I just let it sit there. Here's the trick. Read a page a day. You said to read that book. That book looks amazing. And I just let it sit there. Here's the trick. Read a page a day.

You said this in another episode. I did? Yeah. Am I wrong? On the alcohol. I think you did. All right. I got another one.

It's a good one, though. A page a day. It's a good one. Because then it's all, Gary Goldman once had the best writing advice, and I hope I'm not just completely repeating. No, no, no. I haven't heard this. But he goes, it's hard to write. And I'm like i'm like yeah it's hard the getting up and sitting down and putting

the pen to pay is hard once you're writing it's not that bad but the doing it is the hard part same with the gym getting to the gym woody allen said the uh most of life is showing up 90 of life is showing up which is true once you get to the gym, you're not going to just leave. You're going to do it. So if you listen to a set, it'll help you start writing, which is a great way to transition you into it. It's painful, but I hate listening to myself, man. I hate it, too. Listening to you. But no, it's hard.

I hate it, but it really, yeah, it's necessary.'s necessary you gotta do it so that's why the page a day is good because you're like page a day and that's even kind of challenging but do it on the shitter do it on the train more yeah and uh yeah it's great advice man but all right if i've done that i've got another one get on and this is gonna sound weird but get on robin hood everybody out what is it that's the stock app oh shit i mean i know nothing about stocks i'm ignorant i'm a douche i'm clueless but did you bail on amc do you get out i should have i took a real hit it was a pump and dump somebody tweeted at me go go on AMC. I made like three grand and I took it all out.

But boy, I took a real hit. But yeah, just get on it. Throw a couple bucks in. Have fun with it. Play with it. Invest some shit. Turn it off. Look at it again in a month.

I think just try it. It's a good way for idiots like me who don't know anything about math or numbers or money to just dabble in it it's a good way for us to get our feet our toe in the pool interesting i yeah i'd never do it yeah uh that's new for me but it's a if this app exists and you might as well take advantage smart all right that's a that's a little tip. Give me a peeve. If you got stock tips, please send them my way. Now, I hope I haven't done this peeve before. This is kind of a heartfelt ep with dad stuff.

I love it, man. I think it's good stuff, Matt. You got to have these every now and then. Yeah, yeah. We open with beating up children, so I feel like that gave us some leeway. But peeve. The guy, you ever heard of this? The guy who texts you with a favor, which is fine. The guy you never see or talk to or hear about or whatever.

He's like, hey, can you do me a favor? You're like, all right, what do you got? Can you do me a favor? Tell me who this is first. Yeah, that's part of it. I didn't save your number because the last two times you texted me was a favor as well. So true. I didn't save your number because the last two times you texted me was a favor as well. So true. I got to start saving.

You save it as like Jeff Favor because that's all you know him for. It's like Bonnie Big Tits or Red Robin or whatever. So Jeff hits me up. I haven't talked to this guy pre-pandemic since then. Hey, can you do me a favor? What's up, man? What's up? And then after that i go

yeah i got you he goes how are you oh now you're gonna pull a how are you after the favor is done first of all i hate the how are you because you're like it's clearly like oh i should ask him about his day because he's doing me a favor so it's so contrived but but uh i hate the how are you because now i gotta go things are good but now i gotta play your dumb game which i hate doing just because you feel bad right you don't care how i am so that's my peeve yeah it's tough i'm sure i'm trying to have you know empathy for that situation i also think i've done that before where i've been like well if you're like how are you you're you're a friend we talk all the time it's like oh you know you're like but if it's someone you don't know that You're a friend. We talk all the time. It's like, oh, you're like...

But if it's someone you don't know. That's what it is. I don't know the guy. And it's clearly like, oh, I should be polite now. It's so obvious. It's so transparent. I definitely... There are people I don't see enough

and sometimes the text is like, Messi, how are you? But yeah, I think with the favor is different. With the favor. Yeah, I think that's different. That's the thing. That's the thing. This guy's a scumbag.

It is tough. Yeah, it's like Ratso Rizzo In Midnight Cowboy It feels completely forced Don't hate on Ratso That guy He had a tough life though That guy

I mean I like the guy It's a great character But I don't want to hang out with him I'm walking here Great movie Great scene That was improvised That line

Great Great Is he a New Yorker? Hoffman Hoffman He must He must. He must be. Give it a go.

Man, he fucking ran the six seasons. Oh, my God. Marathon Man, The Graduate, and Bancroft from the Bronx, Arthur Avenue. Gotta love that she ended up with Mel Brooks, too. I know. That's one for the comedy guys. Smokeshow, sexiest. By the way, she was like 38 in The Graduate.

I know. That's what a MILF was back then. Yeah. Even then, I think even then they were like, I think she's too old. Isn't that funny? That's hilarious. But yeah, man, shit. Huh?

Oh, you hate to hear that. I mean, LA's got good Jews. That's true. That's true. There's some mean, L.A.'s got good Jews. That's true. That's true. There's some good L.A. Jews. There are some good L.A. Jews. He's really just like one of the best ever. Yeah.

Such a great actor. Seems like a cool guy. Funny, fun guy. In a lot of comedies. You know, he's in Meet the Fockers. Tootsie. Tootsie. Yeah. Hook. Hook. Fuck. meet the fuckers tootsie tootsie yeah hook hook fuck that's like i remember that as a kid yeah he was captain hook what okay let me give you a pee oh hit me with a peeve i got a couple one is okay

this is hitting me hard i think this is this is very drinkable yeah it's very drinkable i get it now so it's fucking goes down pretty well. Yeah. Once you get past that initial bitterness. It's got a kick. It's kind of like us. A little bitterness up top. Oh, we're fucked. Why?

This is 12%. Oh, I know. That's high. I knew we were going into it. Oh, my God. I got four shows. Well, you're going to have a buzz for them. What are you going to do?

All right. Give me the peeve. I got two shows. I'll be all right. My peeve I got two shows I'll be alright My peeve Okay so I'm on my flight And the guy in front of me He's like Are you out of your mind

He's looking at his dick like literally I'm in the first row Waiting for him to move And he goes 14 14 and I'm like Oh I'm with you Well you know it's not here You know it's not the first row I've seen this I'm so with you And he goes 14 I'm like, oh, I'm with you. Well, you know it's not here. Yeah. You know it's not the first row. I've seen this.

I'm so with you. And he goes, 14. I'm just like, it's that way. You think it's towards the cockpit? It ain't up. It ain't down. It's straight on. We're at two.

14. What comes after the number one? Yes. Yes. Go this way, dude. I've seen the guys going, hold on. Hold on. He literally looked at me like for help. And I'm like, do you need help with 14? Go, yes. Go this way, dude. I've seen the guys going, hold on, hold on. He literally looked at me like for help, and I'm like, do you need help with 14?

Go, man. Who are these guys' parents? What is wrong with this guy? I'll tell you what. Even if I don't know the language, I know enough that that ain't one. Right, right. I don't care if you're on the metric system. I don't care if you're from the Middle East.

It's fucking laid out for you. This couldn't be simpler. Yeah, I was just like, come on. So that was one. I'm with you. I have another one for you. All right. This fucking happens all the time.

We were on the subway, and the dude, like, they just don't have headphones, and they're just listening to the music like this through the speaker, and you're just like, hey, guess what? I lost my headphones on the road last weekend you know what i did i sucked it up and looked at the fucking window here here i sucked it up and didn't listen to music for a minute we're living in a society it's so fucking rude and guess what it's never like something by the way i know it's never a podcast it's never like they're never holding their phone up like this and they're like this is fresh air with terry gross hold on i gotta put on tipping point with malcolm gladwell it's never that you're right it's always just like it's like some techno bullshit

you're like thank you yeah my life is fucking shittier because i've met you i know i know suck it up you're you're be considerate you're making strangers lives worse yeah that's it in a nutshell you nailed it who you are that's the sense you are making people you've never met you you're annoying them yeah and they're taking that energy with them to the next place yes i saw a new york post article today man on subway slashed for telling a guy to turn his radio down. The guy on the radio just cut him in the face. I better cut it out.

What's that? I better cut it out. I know, right? He cut this guy. But it's scary because if you're doing the music out loud, you're off already. You're not aware. You're not thinking about other people. You're right.

But turning it down. But you know what? I think they're close enough to us. already yeah you're not you're not aware you're not thinking about other people so like but turning it down like but it's you know what i think they're close enough to us i'm like well they own a phone yeah but i mean so does every homeless guy sees got a phone yeah that's a weird one isn't it yeah that is odd like you have a tiktok what plan do you have yeah pay me when you can right is there a hobo plan there must be because they're doing well it's definitely t-mobile it's gotta be always on the move yeah or cricket whatever the fuck that is i've seen cricket around but yeah that's true yeah what is that with the no headphone get some fucking headphones suck it up go to that weird electronic store in the airport pay the overpriced

amount because you lost them yeah i knew i wanted airpods so i fucking i waited it out yeah wait till i get back i'm not gonna buy some you know bullshit pair you lost those you lost your pods yeah they were a gift too i felt bad i lost mine too it sucks to lose the airpods and they also, I mean, they really fucking Apple. Give a pair out every once in a while. They have to cost $275. I know. Exactly. Fucking criminals.

I call so many people criminals, by the way. I've noticed that's like my new thing. I'm just like fucking criminal. I like that. They're designed in a way, too, that they slip away. You know, they'll slip into a couch or they'll go down a grate. You know, they're just that eggshell kind of smooth, no corners. They just slip out of your life.

They're so evil. I picture them just like testing them in the lab. And they're like, make sure they fall through this grate right here. Yes, exactly. They fell through. Perfect. Exactly. Just sneaky enough.

Exactly. And somebody told me that, look, you can look this up. iPhones are designed to start not working after three years. I'm sure. Like a relationship. But it's like. Mine stopped working after six months. It must have been a stamp slug. But yeah, it's true. It's like, come on, what are you doing to us? And I get it. They're trying to make a buck. But like, we're trying to be happy here and live our lives. to make a buck but like we're trying to be happy here and live our lives it's a great point i mean they do great but then i'm also like i just look at it like taxes at this point i'm like i'm gonna spend an absurd amount of money on a phone because i use it so damn much yeah we're we're hooked they

got us by the balls i mean it's our calendar our email our weather our recording we're so dependent on it podcast you got a book on there i don't know how the amish do it i feel like i go without a phone for like a day and i'm just like oh i go nuts man dude i went without headphones and i was like i'm fucking strong yeah yes yes i gave myself a few years i was like i'm pretty i'm a strong man i know but i bet if you did like if you did 10 days without it you you would make it we used to have a bit about like you know didn't have a bit where you're like i have to listen to my thoughts oh yeah it was like yeah you ever forget your headphones and you realize thoughts

are not good and then it's it's this long bit about how you know it's good to drown that shit out every now and then and uh it then. It's like a mental cleansing. Yes. The way people, like, juice. Yes. It's like that for your brain. Exactly. I try to listen, like, I'll only listen to, like, music with lyrics.

Like, I try to cut that back a little bit because if I do it too much, I'm not going to be thinking of jokes or something. If I listen to jazz or, like, classical, I can kind of, like, listen to that and still kind of like listen to that and still kind of like be like bit idea bit idea but if i'm just listening to like you know fucking staying alive by the bgs i'm just you know i'm like i'm not thinking of bits i'm like i'm doing a little fucking dance that's true yeah i do need music like that to get me amped like it's either that or like three 6 p.m coffees on the road oh yeah i'd like to keep it to one at

that time yeah two somebody gave me a hot tip they said listen to video game music because it it's designed to like ramp your brain up but i tried and it was too it was too rampy i don't i don't buy that because i think like video games like i never feel connected after listening uh like i play video games i'm never like man my brain feels good no same same we're lucky we're not i know guys will spend nine hours on call of duty i can't i mean like i'd love to i mean during the pandemic uh taylor and i would do like we i bought an xbox for la yeah and we and we started playing halo co-op mode what it was so fucking fun that is great dude it also like you end up enjoying each other a lot yeah like literally like get down i got you here you know

like you're like talk you're like have each other's back and you're shooting people yeah one of them's leading one of you's leading the way the other's just like shooting it's fucking fun that sounds nice i got i get why people lose not but we would like play for like four hours and be like oh my our fucking lives like we got to do something productive yeah you can burn through i used to play candy crush for like two days and my girl was like you gotta like go to get a shower it's addictive it's addictive games are the only one i'll do now at all i have a ps4 at home and i'll do like uh i'll do like nba 2k just when i'm like i'll like listen to a podcast or something and just play just to like but i'm not even really playing i'm doing like

front office mode i'm making trades and shit that's what happens when you get older you'd like you don't even want to play the game you just want to like restore the franchise yeah i just want the knicks to be good again and like a make-believe game right right yeah yeah well it'd be nice you could do that with your own life like all right i'm at a job interview i killed it sims right is that the sims isn't that kind of the sims like you kind of make a guy and he has got a life oh really i thought it was just sim city that's where i stopped with sim city we're fucking old and we're getting old sim city i because like the fact that i even get that reference you're like the football stadium yeah we'll build a football

stadium yeah we need roads we're building out suburbs yeah yeah that was fun that's the fucking best oh yeah but video games they've come a long way and people are gonna start fucking that's gonna be a thing in video games oh yeah i guarantee it really with with virtual reality the way it's going it's gonna be crazy maybe that'll be be like what Tinder is in the future. I think so. You like virtual fuck before you meet. Probably. We're just going to keep filtering.

It's crazy. Oh, there's no substitute for real like sex. No, no. But like I think to meet people, it's going to keep, we're already doing like no, no, yes, no, no, yes. Just off appearance basically. Wow, yeah. And then it's going to be like. Let's see how we'd be sexually compatible exactly yeah you're gonna fuck like virtually before you even meet yeah i don't want

to waste my time with someone i'm not sexually compatible with and then like here's what's gonna happen next when you're like if you're in a long distance thing they'll make like molds of your dick and vagina so you can like fuck on facetime that'll be like the next thing you're right don't you think holy shit that'll probably be the next thing you're right don't you think holy shit that'll probably be the next move that's one way where guys are lucky it's like our dicks are concealed to the last minute you know like women's kind of tits are out you can see unless you're a fucking subway pervert that's what they open with i don't think they're uh really hitting the dating scene i prefer them to the fucking people without the headphones i agree at least they're keeping themselves at least they're fucking like i'm like that's deeply mentally ill yeah you're just

fucking rude yeah right i'll take like rude i'm like fuck you you're closer to us you should know better yes whipping the dick and i'm like you're far gone you're you're mentally i mean that's a good point it's a good point uh the guy at my old gym used to blare the music and you're you're mentally i mean that's a good point it's a good point uh the guy at my old gym used to blare the music and you're like what are you doing like who wants to get and i would have headphones in so i would jack them up and i he would always give me like a weird look other noise that's external is fucking annoying yeah there's just construction going on in my building all day and i'm like enough yeah i'm trying to fuck like i'm that's the thing about the pandemic is like once it hit a lot of people started working from home more

so people that are like always doing shit in their homes i'm like wrap it up i know like a lot of us this is our office now yes and it was always our office true but our schedules are a little different too like some people like all right people go to work at nine we'll start doing construction at nine they're like ah i'm sleeping at nine oh no one respects a night schedule no people like us bartenders anyone who just works at night wait staff who works late nights no one respects us because we're not normal society they look at us as like almost like failures or something yes where they're like well you're not normal society they look at us as like almost like failures or something yes where they're like well you're not successful you work at night and we're like no we're doing all right but yeah but they look at us as like well you're others at least at the very least

you're others well because to most people it's like dinner day like how many girlfriends have you had like just skip the show let's get dinner let's go watch a concert you're like that's when i work not a lot because it didn't last long yeah exactly they never last when they dinner is a sign of stability to a partner oh yeah you know like he's loved dinner we'll breakfast and lunch the shit out of you but guess what like dinner it's like now we're at a point we can kind of like navigate the shows around our other bullshit yeah but there was many years we were like it's this or nothing this is it this is my job and i gotta get better at it and i gotta take this gig this is at a club this is at a place i want to keep working and they're like ah you're like you knew i was a comic you

you're banging me because i'm a comic i know you don't want me to do comedy they like you but they want you they they're just trying to change you to be something slightly different they They see something they like about you, and they're like, let me just try to shift it right over here, and you're like, I ain't moving. You got that right. This is it. This is it, sister. This is who I am. I mean, shit.

It was funny. During breakups for me, I'm definitely like, I'll change anything. I'll do whatever. And then I'm like, oh, no, I won't. Why did I say that? Yeah, yeah, totally. I mean, look, guys do it, too. They go meet some stripper, and they're like, I think you should stop stripping.

It's like, well, that's how you met me, you psycho. This is who I am. I'm a stripper all the way. And that stripper's like, I should start comedy. Stormy Daniels, you ruined it for everybody. Stormy Daniels, man. What a fucking, what a run. I know.

It's fun because I jerked off to her. Did you? It's fun. Well, I watched her porn because you see her on the news it's like you know her and then you get to watch the porn after that and you're like i mean the fact that she was threatened was pretty fucked up i thought wait what threat yeah one of trump's goons i think it was wasn't michael cone man who threatened yeah he threatened her like he was a goon he's like a fucking goomba lawyer really a joomba lawyer uh joomba well he was a fucking it's He's like a fucking Goomba lawyer. Really? A Joomba lawyer. Joomba. Well, he was a fucking, it's hilarious.

I heard him on Bill Maher and he was like really trying to be like, you know, this motherfucker should be in prison. You're like, didn't you just get out of prison? Like, you're not the most credible. Like, I'm not, Trump's trash, but like, you're not the most credible person ever. Right. I think he's on like this redemption tour. Oh, wow. I'm sure he's, I think he's got credible person ever. Right. I think he's on, like, this redemption tour. Oh, wow. I'm sure he's got a book deal or something.

Of course. I mean, I'm sure anyone who's close to Trump, they're like, we'll pay you big money. Yeah, yeah. So, wait, he threatened to hit her or sue her or? I think it was just, like, it was something along the lines of, like, be quiet or else. I think it was something like that. Well, she's got guts. She does have guts.

I'll give it to her. Yeah, she went out and spread the news. I'd be a much bigger fan if she wasn't doing one-nighters at comedy clubs. I know. But I guess it's a transitory existence to do what she does. I've been to many comedy clubs they're like oh it's a light night storberry daniel sold it out last night come on i'll blow you whatever you want but yeah i wonder like it's pretty hot i mean she's a hot lady yeah yeah i mean that's her thing

that's her thing yeah but it's fun seeing a woman on the news and be like oh i can just type my fingers and see her getting railed by some uh italian guy that's her other thing that's the other thing yeah and it's fun it's fun to get to know someone you know sometimes you meet an actor when they're old and you're like oh yeah and then you see them young you're like wow look at that it was fun seeing a person on news and going back and seeing the fuck. Yeah, yeah. It is interesting. Yeah. Should we do bits?

Let's do a bit. Have we gone long or are we good? I think we're a little long. All right. Well, we'll keep it tight here. What do you got there? Hairy legs? I do have hairy legs.

Same, same. What? I'm hairy legged and nowhere else. Really? Yeah, it's weird. I got the happy trail. Yeah, you got nothing on your chest. I'm hairy-legged and nowhere else. Really? Yeah, it's weird. I got the happy trail. Yeah, you got nothing on your chest. I'm a hairy guy.

I'm a fucking werewolf. Hairy is good. My girlfriend's always like, I wish you were hairier. Really? So hairy's in. Yeah, I've never had like, I had one girlfriend when I was in like college and she was like, can I shave your chest? And I was like, yeah, I guess.

Yeah, I've never had, every other woman I've ever dated, she was like into some I shave your chest? And I was like, yeah, I guess. Yeah, I've never had. Every other woman I've ever dated, she was like into some fucking. Lesbian. She was anti-fucking Jew, I think. Oh. I think she was like. It's anti-Semitic. I think she was. I think she was against it.

She was like, can I shave your chest? And she took a razor and shaved it. Whoa. And I was like, I definitely look in better shape without the hair. Like, the hair just makes you look a little more washed up you think i thought the hair would like hide some some bad i'm sure it does a little bit of that too i don't know interesting yeah she shaved it i remember being like who am i i just shaved my chest i let a woman shave my chest yeah my dad would he was the hairiest guy ever and he shaved i was like get out of the house get a hotel yeah it's almost like a fucking you get a scarlet letter yeah completely completely it's almost

like what are you doing i uh yeah i regret it yeah i was young i didn't i'd known i was like oh i guess i should do that yeah no this is better no i'm a i'm a hairy i'm a hairy guy right in ladies let us know what you think let me yeah let me know what you think uh what do i have um i don't have a lot honestly because all my bits are either they're either hitting or they're just shit and they're not even worth bringing here so i either have bits that are working or just garbage um let's see what i get i will say i did a we were riffing last night on the show and i did a i did a joke in here and it killed with you and salicus and i did on stage and it hit so i think

i might have a bit there what is it it was just about like you're allowed to be shallow if the woman is marginalized like i was like i gotta i gotta big titty poster here and everybody's like geez you creep and i'm like well they're trans and everybody's like oh great love the poster and it's killing that's good yeah it calls out It calls out a bullshit factor. Right, right. So this isn't the bit, but there was something about this, I think you said last week with my friend Will Silvins, who would do the thing. Oh, yeah. He's black and he would come by me.

Give me all your fucking money. Like, ah. That's a great. I love that angle. And then you go, you're racist. And I'd be like. I mean, you said, give me all your fucking. I didn't even see you.

You said, give me all your fucking money. So even see you you're just like give me all your fucking money so i'm trying to think i need like an angle this may it might be something like i think like i think the angles may be like the message trumps the messenger yeah i'm gonna kill it you know what i mean that's a good way to go something like just to put the theory to test i send him a message from a fake email account moshe greenberg i have your son if he comes back you fucking jew you're right right right yeah yeah you know what i mean there's something there that's not the bit though let's see it's the message more than the messenger i couldn't even see the messenger that's the thing all right let me try this i would say he's racist in that in that argument because he's saying like oh you assume you're making this about race yeah so here's one i have a thing about um it's not really a bit but there's something i

was thinking about because i had the doctor's appointment today i really doctors are just i'm almost glad that the pandemic like knock on wood that delta dies down a little bit people get vaccinated and shit but like you know some of these fucking doctors it's like i'm sick of calling them heroes they're so dismissive we need a course at at medical school for bedside manner yeah can we get one course where you learn how to talk to a human being right don't act like you all think you're doctor fucking house every doctor comes in so what was the joke i wrote down it was like so this guy he he uh like so i have this spinal problem and he's like he's skimming my chart and he just starts humming while he's doing it i'm like could you maybe not approach my life with the same energy as uh a prison chain yard gang you know yeah like is this my fuck

like is this like a long-term problem or cool hand luke right you know what i mean right yeah it's true because they they look at us as we're the product like we're just on a conveyor belt you're the 13th guy he's seen a lot of fucking money though palm is we're all desperate it's literally if you walked into a restaurant you were like i'm starving yeah i waited fucking weeks to get this reservation that's good that's even shitty doctors right like can you imagine like like can you imagine going to a shitty restaurant you're like thank god we got here yeah thank god i made it to wendy's i i've waited months for this yeah yeah right right and it's all like you want to you want a spicy chicken sandwich that'll be 445 dollars

yeah but i used to bring a car into a shop and you're like i don't have a lot of money please don't be anything bad please don't even and that was just a car and that was just about money this is about cancer or whatever the hell scary thing. I might need surgery. I might need this. So this is my life, and you can't just be humming. I think that's a good angle. Something about the humming.

Yeah, like that type of nonchalant casualness. Could you maybe pretend to give a shit? Yeah, yeah. Could you maybe? I think that's the thing where it's like that's could be an angle put every doctor in an improv class too like just so they have they know how to like okay this guy's gonna want this i know where to go have an acting class just like yeah just like where you're like pretend i understand this is stressful for you give them some fucking basic lines like yeah my girlfriend and i like we fight and there's like basic lines we have to patch things up like if she's upset i don't say i go yes i understand you're upset that must be tough

right you have lines you say because you see they're upset and stressed. Could you maybe approach, like, this is a fucking high-stress job. Exactly. You know? Maybe that's the angle. I only want doctors with girlfriends or a married doctor. That's not bad, yeah. That's not bad. Because you know, like, your girlfriend goes, do I like fat in this?

You just know what to say. You know the moves. And he should know the moves with the patient. Funny, my dad's always like, see the Jew. See the Jewish doctor. He thinks there'll be a better connection. Yeah, that's hilarious. That's so funny.

See the Jew. How do you say that in the lobby? Do you guys have a Jew? Because it could go either way. It sounds like you hate Jews too. Which one of you is jewish i don't want that guy your appointment with dr wang do you have a dr cone yeah a dr cone to be more my speed here at least the jew though will take everything seriously he'll be like

jesus christ oh my god are you gonna be okay you're like yeah yeah it's a pimple they're not like that really oh my god i'm from a family of jewish doctors are fucking like all right here we go what do you got no it's just doctors are just cynical the way we're cynical with comedy they're cynical they deal with idiots all day right they deal with people in hypochondriacs and they're just tired and overworked and jaded and they're arrogant it's a fucking annoying combination yeah so there's this thing where they're like what do you got you're like a sharp pain in my neck and they're like uh-huh yeah do they do this for you're like i'm in pain as we're speaking can you not talk down to me yeah yeah i don't know i'll figure it out it's not a mechanic i have feelings i'm not a

honda please relate to me talk to me i'm scared how about you get you get this one from the doctor you're like uh he looks at the chart he goes oh what do you mean oh so you don't want too much reaction either but you want some reaction i'll play with this what do you got all right i'm working on this bit about how uh i'm in my 30s which is an interesting time being in your 30s because you get to watch old people and young people hate each other you know it's like fuck you boomer you're clueless and then the old people like gen z's entitled and lazy and and and uh pussies and all this everybody hates everybody yeah and I'm in the middle and I get to watch. I have my grandpa and my nephew is like 14,

13, and they're fight all day, but they're similar. They're very similar. They both sit at home all day watching the news. They both have no muscle tone. They're both like victims. They both count the diversity.

You know, like my grandpa's like, a lot of black people on this show. And my nephew's like, good diversity. And they both have blue hair. There's a lot of similarities. And then, hold on, I wrote something down. They fight all the time and it's fascinating to watch. Oh, they both think they're not doing enough. My grandpa's like, you kids don't go outside. You don't have to walk to school. You don't get doing enough like my grandpa's like you kids don't go outside you don't have to walk to school you don't get jobs and my nephew is like old people you ruined everything you should be donating to this you should be going out and helping they both think they're not doing enough and uh it's fascinating to watch and the big punch is like you kids are pussies you can't

eat a peanut and the kids like well i eat ass you didn't do that and then he's like well i was shot at nam and he's like well i was shot at in homeroom so they're actually oh that's good they're kind of the same but they fight it's it could be something i was shot in nam what was the line before that uh you can't you're a pussy you can't even eat a peanut you kids you know these days and he's like well we eat ass so like we're we're the base of the point is like they're both tough just in different ways but they don't see it and they're actually quite similar that's why they fight you know what it seems like like the kids the younger generation is tough like almost involuntarily like they had well nam you were like you could kind of dodge a draft you

can't like dodge school oh interesting you know what i mean like it's like forced on you that's an allergy right yeah it they just they're born that way you can't you can't interesting there's something about like both points are valid like i i listened to him i'm like this is fascinating because like you're both making some solid defense arguments but and then you look at yourself and you're like i eat peanuts and ass oh that's good maybe i should bring it back to me yeah because it i'm in the middle and i almost because i have a bit about how like there weren't school shootings when I was in school. Yeah. It was rare.

I mean, Taliban was a huge deal. That was huge. And then I remember I have a bit where I say, you know, a very different bit, but I say, you know, when I was in school, there weren't a lot of mass shootings. So every once in a while we would poke a kid to see if he had it in him, you know, until I get into a bit. That's funny. But there's something about about so you kind of missed the mass shootings and nom like you're the most worthless of all oh that's the bit interesting maybe maybe it should be i don't need to ask or peanuts maybe that's funnier

because you're the made the bit is that you're most worthless of all you're like shit i missed the gulf war and i was too big a pussy for Iraq. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, interesting. I missed both. I missed it all. Yeah. Huh. Do you think there's anything about them being similar?

Yeah, for sure. I think they are similar. But they both like dealt with race riots and stuff like there. There's a lot of similarities with like the 50s and 60s in the 2020s or whatever you call it 2000 teens you know like interesting you both you both protested yeah opposing sides right right yeah they're both they are similar they are similar they're very similar they both play the victim like young kids are like we have it so hard now with income inequality and we can't afford this and no one's paying us and then old people are like i walked eight miles uphill through the snow to get to school you don't know what it was like yeah when when you were my age you owned

a home and they're like i also got shot at by the fucking vietnamese yeah like every yeah it's a valid point it's a valid for young people like yeah life is harder now in that way but we're also more privileged we also have we got uber eats you know like my own my my grandfather it is real hard right now i do i do feel for young people where it's like but at the same time like there's air conditioning we say it's worse but then look at what fucking the vietnam generation exactly that's why it's it's a you got drafted into an unwinnable war insane insane so yeah it's a fascinating argument because they're both making some solid points. And on paper, I feel like people get, you know, participation trophies, you kids,

and they're like, that wasn't my idea. Like, quit yelling at me. Yeah, the shit they blame kids for is like, it's kind of the fault of parents. It's really less kids, and parents should have done a better job preparing them for failure. Right.

Parents don't understand that kid like if your kid's crying at losing that's okay that's part of life right right they should be prepared to lose a little life and they'll win at some point but like if you get beaten up too much by losing then you're probably gonna fucking be a loser yeah if it's too i mean like it should hurt you as a kid like i remember crying losing sports as a kid like that's part of life you know totally you but that's it's we kind of it's necessary to learn losing helps you someday win but i think it that sheltering fucked some some young people up i think i think so for sure i think that's the old person's grievance with the participation yeah but i also do think

like see i'm in between where i think inclusion is good but i also think kids just being handed shit is not great i completely agree i kind of go back and forth where it's like it's good to have to work for stuff because yes that's a good lesson for life where like life is going to be hard but then so i i with the participation trophy it's like i like the angle of like what was my idea yeah yes i wanted to earn it motherfucker right yeah you that was you you're your son's idea who gets what kind of fucking noble person gets a participation trophy and is like, good for me? Yeah. Like, we're not happy with that shit either.

I know, right? All right. All right. This is good. It's a rich premise. Okay. Yours is much richer than mine. I mean, I kind of threw some bullshit at you. No, no.

I like yours. I like yours. They don't have to be this rich, you know. This is fucking delicious. Giant bit. Yeah. Did this not become drinkable? Too drinkable. And I might have to go sleep.

I got three spots now, because I threw you at the cellar. I just added one. Baby, I'm fucking back. I'm going to sleep in an alley. Yeah, what do you got here? You got the phone out. When does this come out, Matt? Three weeks.

Jesus. Hey, Jay. So the 25th? I'll be dead by then. The 25th this comes out? Good lord. So I would have just been the Zanies. I'll be at Lexington Comedy on Broadway the 5th through 7th of August.

I'll be at Kansas City Comedy Club in Missouri the 12th through 14th. Portland the 19th through 21st. Royal Oak Comedy Castle the 26th through 14th. Portland, the 19th through 21st. Royal Oak Comedy Castle, the 26th through 28th. Boston, Laugh Boston, the 2nd through 4th of September. The 9th through 11th, I will be at the Atlanta Punchline.

Great diner. Connection to it. Oh, yeah. Millersville, PA, the 15th of September. 16th through 19th, Philly Helium. As good as it gets, baby.

Let's fucking dance. 22nd through 25th, Philly Helium. As good as it gets, baby. Let's fucking dance. 22nd through 25th, Moon Tower. Might add a little fucking Houston or Dallas action that week beforehand. Look out on my fucking social media. And the last week of the month, I'll be in St. Louis Helium. So fucking check it out. samorell.com slash shows. Hell yeah.

All right, all right. Speaking of Helium, I'm in Philadelphia this weekend. One of my All right. All right. I'm at, uh, speaking of helium, I'm in Philadelphia this weekend. One of my all time favorite clubs. Does it get any better than that room? Love Philly. I love that town. I love that club.

I love the people. Philly is fucking special. That's farmer's market too, right? Oh yeah. What's it called again? Reading terminal. Is that it?

Oh, I don't know. Fuck that up. Is that written house square area or fish town? I don't know. Did I fuck that up? Is that Rittenhouse Square area or Fishtown? I don't know. They all blend together, but I love Philly. I have a strong love for Philadelphia. Same, same.

And they're good people. Great people, great crowds. They're smart, but they don't get upset. So it's like the perfect blend. It's a good mix of blue collar, but also white collar. Yes. They come together in a beautiful way. Yeah, yeah.

That's a perfect. Boston is similar. Boston's great buffalo helium after that come out to buffalo that's that's a fun town that's a town that needs a laugh god damn it then dayton funny bone appleton and skyline arlington improv in texas brea improv out in orange county albany hello uh west palm beach comedy connection in prov, another great one. Madison, Wisconsin. Yeah, fuck, you could belt out that trophy bit in West Palm Beach. Yeah, yeah. They'd be like, boo.

That's true. Madison, Wisconsin, one of the all-time greats. You're there soon. Zany's in Nashville, Rochester. I'm right on your heels. Richmond, funny bone. That could be tough. We're dancing, brother.

Portland, Helium. Laugh, Boston. And, funny bone. That could be tough. We're dancing, brother. Portland, helium. Laugh, Boston. And yeah, all kinds of fun stuff. Vancouver. Hopefully Canada opens up by then. Vancouver's special, man. Oh, what a city. Canada.

Vancouver gets not nearly enough love. It might be the prettiest city in uh i don't know north america just that seawall remember we were there together oh yeah we did that festival thanks to phil hanley phil hanley set that up and he just toured the whole fucking city to us yeah what a special week you me carmen lynch gary veder yes joe list like you get why hanley's so delicate because growing up there you're like this is too pretty you got no he was in Oshawa he's he grew up originally in a suburb of Toronto so he actually grew up in like an oil town oh really so he it makes no sense why he is this like permanent proper model all his friends are like tough fucking oil town people well that explains

like this handsome fucking model yeah gorgeous model used to wear cardigans now he wears tie dye I can't figure him out became a hippie yeah follow phil hanley our buddy phil m hanley on instagram great comic killer comic great got a special in the works gonna be dope and uh yeah dude uh we'll plug that up we'll plug it up subscribe to the patreon patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod and man we just we got so much good stuff coming keep your eyes peeled for fat cat rye that shit's coming dude hell yeah you know you know what else is very drinkable and goes down easy this pod tell a friend spread the love keep sharing studios you fucking rock matt we love you dog

yeah i mean shit this is uh i just said sincerely. That's how hard this shit goes down. I meant it. We love you, fam. You're in on the ground floor, by the way. Snap your fingers, and this is going to be a bar with a whole setting. We're building a whole studio. We got a guy, a mixologist, or whatever the hell you want to call it, a bartender. I like the idea of having special guest bartenders, too.

Oh, that'd be great. If you're a bartender, like, fucking call in and be on this show make a like i like that too i like bringing drinks every once in a while but having a bartender here would be crazy hell yeah great idea and uh we're gonna get some guests on eventually we just gotta we're fine tuning and hand picking so uh yeah email us send us stuff rex p we might be drunk pod at gmail.com all right keep on drinking very drinkable