We Might Be Drunk - Ep 35: Paper Plane

Episode Date: August 9, 2021

Sam and Mark back in studio bringing the heat. Dan behind the bar making some drinks. This episode of We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Sheath Underwear, use promo code Drunk for 20% off your first order. SheathUnderwear.com Join us on Patreon for more bonus content and behind the scenes Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod Thanks to Gotham Podcast Studio for hosting. GothamPodcastStudio.com

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Ha! Here we are, folks. We might be drunk. Here we're, we got the new studio. We're back. We hopefully fixed the lighting. Fat Dan is here, the beer Jew. We're drinking. What are we drinking this week, man? I'm excited. Today, you're drinking Boulevardier.

I love them. Which is like a Negroni with whiskey. And Mark's got a paper plane coming up. I've never heard of that. What is that? I used to throw those at teachers. It's an almost classic cocktail, which is whiskey, Aperol, and lemon, and a little Amaro. Nice for the summer, but still brown. All right.

Wow. I've never heard of either. I can't wait. I'm nervous. Again, I feel like- You've had a Boulevardier? I don't think so. Really?

No, no no i knew her i was a black chick i knew but uh i never had one uh but i'm excited i'm excited speaking of black we got ewing up yeah that's kind of nice big pat my fave that's that's big i love that one that is that the is that to scale yeah he's seven feet. What? Is he seven even? Yeah. Holy hell. That's wild. He's not from here. Jamaica.

What? He's Jamaican? But he went to, I think he grew up in Massachusetts and went to Georgetown. Damn. Played for Georgetown because they had John Thompson, who was one of the only black coaches at an elite school for basketball back then. Wow. Seven even.

And he's good. Wouldn't that suck to be that tall and suck? Yeah. What if you're seven foot and you just work at Barnes & Noble? I know. That would suck. And every Tom, Dick, and Anal goes, hey, you play ball? And he's like, nah, I'm a book guy.

I guess you could reach the high books. That's true. No ladder. That's true. No ladder. That's true. That's something. Yeah, I know so little about basketball, but from what I gather, it's the big guys starting in order are Wilt Chamberlain,

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Are you going all time? Yeah. Okay, over time, yeah, yeah in order you got it right so far okay okay nobody before wilt no big men before yeah oh i mean bill russell played oh bill russell i've heard of like the greats yeah yeah okay bill russell wilt kareem yeah ewing you yeah yeah isaiah isaiah thomas is a point guard. He was short. But I'm saying like legends. Oh, yeah.

I mean, Akeem was the year before Ewing. Michael Jordan was, I think he was the year before Ewing as well. Ah, damn. All right. We got to throw Larry Bird in. Larry Bird. You missed Magic. Magic.

Yeah, the AIDS. And then it doubles down. It's like Kobe and Curry and LeBron and Durant. And then you lose it. I need this drink right now. What's going on? I've just been in Long Island all weekend. Long Island will kill you, man.

They're animals. It's Alabama. It really is. It's Northeast Alabama. You get like 90% great people, and then there's just a few tables where you're like, this is insane. Yeah, it's crazy. And it always adds up. You're like, you're the cliche, and here it is.

It's a stereotype, and it is for a reason. I had Sal Acuse with me, and brings like a young uh like intern to also photograph some stuff and this kid's like 18 from chicago and he couldn't believe the voices in long island uh-huh he just heard people being like yeah so i say this and he's like i thought this was like in movies i thought this was like a joke yeah everybody thinks you're gonna see that in brooklyn like no no that's long Island. That's Long Island. Forget about it. No, Brooklyn's like, hello, I make my own tea or whatever, you know? But there it's like, you know, what the fuck?

Hey, yo, get out of my space. You're not going to hear the word artisanal in Belmore, New York. Right, right. Salacuse is following me around. He's like trying to get a path because he wants to do like a Goodfellas type thing, you know, when he's walking through the kitchen. Yes. He wanted that for the shot in the in the comedy club and the owner's like a real you know italian just go off the deep end here oh man look at that what the hell's this shit? Get it out of here.

Cheers. Cheers. My God. What's the garnish? Let me do a toast this week. Please. I love a toast. Rodney voice. I can't wait.

Every man has his tale of woe. Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tale. All right? Still good. Nice. Boy, good toast. That's really good. You know what i appreciate about you i i i don't really get this as much when i make a cocktail but i get the aroma with you wow like like i guess it's the because you get the orange in there so i get the the smell this is pungent

as a motherfucker yeah it is a political pungent. This is delightful. It's almost like sour. Man, you are a hell of a cockologist. Yeah. Hear, hear. This is good, man. I mean, can I hear what's in it? So the paper plane is three quarters whiskey, three quarters Aperol, three quarters Amaro.

We used Amaro and Nino today, which is the best one, I think. Amaro Stoudemire. There we go. There we go. Right. And three quarters aperol three quarters amaro he's amaro and nino today which is the best one i think amaro stoudemire there we go there we go right and uh three quarters lemon wow if you have two paper planes and then have a paper building yeah i'm gonna go down like the south tower later if i have too many of these oh it's gonna be healthy again but long island oh dude so so salicus is following me he's filming like through the kitchen and and the guy running it's like so what are you doing here and he goes oh i'm trying to like you know follow him all the way to the stage and he goes you my friend that's a that's a good uh film idea he keeps doing it he's like you're a scorsese over here you know man it's so cool doing these filming things at clubs

because the shit we go through and the shit we see, like everybody thinks it's all about the show and the jokes and the act, but there's so much more behind the scenes, the green room or lack of green room, the kitchen, the owners, the host, the town. There's so much there. Oh, there's so much. And, you know, we're in the green room in Salacruz. It's like, you know, everyone thinks like the green room is like this place where you're doing work where you're just

doing adam sandler impressions i'm just in the green room like so hot that's it we're just doing voices and being idiots because we're just stressed i'm like oh fuck i know i early show was too good saturday then i'm like like all the shows were good but you know when the show is too good in long island or you're in a rowdy city yep and you're like i'm gonna get i'm gonna get heckled hard of course like matt's like they were so well behaved i was like just wait i know the late show was and like i posted a clip of this already the late show uh on saturday was just as crazy this one woman on thursday like hit me with every insult. Like, dumb it. Like, no one even knows who you are. Really? It's my show.

Wow. This is my show. What a coos. No one here even knows you. And they're like, no, they're, I'm like, I love when the heckler's insult is like, you're not funny. I'm like, I've been doing well this entire time. I know, I'm killing. You're the only idiot not laughing. Everyone's murdering. But that's when it's like, you're just dead. Yeah. You're you're dumb you just want to fight you want to win you're

clueless you're angry at something she was angry yeah you can't tell if they're just an asshole or a terrible drunk sometimes i know i know i've confronted some of those people after and they like break down they're like i'm a roofer i'm on opioids my wife was molested exactly there's always something behind it you ever do that on twitter like you'll just favorite something and they're like i'm sorry i called you a hack i didn't mean it i hate my mom my dad's gay whatever it's all it took yeah exactly one little star yeah they just want to like a little bit of a hug it's like in Good Will Hunting. It's not your fault. Fuck you, Sean. Don't fuck with me, Sean. Dude, that seems so good.

Ah, so good. So Matt Damon got some shit. Yeah, I heard. Because he said he doesn't say the F slur anymore, which like out of Boston, stopping that at 50, not horrible, I guess. I don't know. But he was getting shit for it, and it's like he admitted it. It's not like a gotcha moment. Right.

He said in an interview, like, oh, yeah, I said it so recently. My daughter scolded me, and now I don't say it. And then people were like, you piece of shit. I know. He busted himself. That's how bad we want that gotcha moment. We're like, oh, we're foaming at the mouth, but it's a good thing. But you'd rather the gotcha than good.

That's where we're at, and that's bad. You want to surprise me, a guy at 50 at a Boston stops drinking Dunkin'. That would surprise me. This doesn't shock me. Yes, that's good. Who had that joke about a Boston guy comes to New York, they're like, hey, they got a musical about us. Wicked.

I can't remember who that was but then somebody had that but yeah yeah matt damon also here's my thing with the uh with the slurs and the stuff you can still say it just say it with your friends because i mean i know one of you's wearing a wire i don't trust that shit well that's true too that's like that's like the new wire thing it's not uh like i know one of you motherfuckers works for salon.com there's a rat in our group right exactly exactly like you know when you're around your mom you don't go oh it's fucking this chick in the ass you know you go hey mom how are you what's shaking you look great but when you're with your friend you go i'm fucking up in the ass

and i think it's the same with slurs there's levels but yeah i think it's probably for the best though to cut that out because then it might slip in the that's true just cut it out it's kind of like when you're drinking and you're like hey mom the turkey's great i was fucking this girl ah shit damn it i don't know they both got stuffed that was my that was my gobble That was a horrible gobble. The wild turkey. I'll tell you, wild turkey, wild turkey's all right. Oh, it's great. And nothing hits you faster than wild turkey.

I don't know what it is. I guess there's more proof in there or something. Yeah, wild turkey 101 is 50%. Oh, Jesus. Well, there you go. I got this for free, so it'll hit you. Yeah, yeah, always. How'd you get it for free?

Campari Care Package. What? Hell yeah, dude. Damn, shout out to Campari. Campari, send us some more shit at Gotham Studios, because we're into your stuff. Hell yeah. Oh, man.

Well, you're talking. But you said the Saturday first show was great. Saturday late show you know is going to be a bitch. Yeah. It's kind of like in the NOM movies, Vietnam, when they're like kind of like going through the swamp. They're like, hey, this is pretty good. And that's right when they get attacked. When you're like, it's going great.

No bullets. Seems clear. There's some guy in a rice paddy. Bullets coming at you. And the guy who dies, it's kind of like your opening act they're like oh fuck i wasn't ready for him that's perfect no but you gotta hold him in your arms yeah oh man yeah man uh philly was i'm sure i mean look the weekend in long island was great it was just you know you get and every once in a while, it's tough because, like, I post some heckler videos sometimes, and I don't want to be known as that.

I don't want to, like, attract that. Yes, good point. People coming out, but at the same time, like, sometimes you capture something, like, people should know that people behave this badly. Most people, I think, are smart enough to see, like, that's an idiot. Right, right, yeah, completely, yeah. Everybody knows. I think normal people know that. I had a UFC fighter comment on it when I posted it, and he wrote the ego on some people.

And you're like, man, it's funny. People fuck with us, but we train like they train, but at this. Yes, exactly. Because we do sets every night. Uh-huh. But can you imagine fucking with a UFC fighter? I bet it happens all the time. I've said it before.

My roommate in college was 6'9". No Ewing, but just a big Tennessee guy, and everybody would fuck with him at the bar, because they were just, I guess they were ego, you know, like, hey, you think you're tougher than me? And he was like this big pothead guy. And he dropped a few guys, but he would get into it

all the time, and I felt horrible for it. You ever get hurt? He got fucked up a few times, but like, it was terrifying, because it was like watching you know like uh king kong and and what's his face the godzilla when they go out just two big white guys it's like rolling around a bar you're like wow fucking jt's back at it you know that was a crossover i was just like i have no interest predator come on get come up with a new thing instead of just making old people fight. Yeah, I don't give a shit. Predator is so good.

Alien was so good. Then we got to put them together. I got a confession to make. I've never seen Alien. Wow. Is it great? I almost watched it the other day. It's pretty good.

Yeah, it's pretty great. And it changed the genre. And then the second one is more of an action movie, but the third one's shit. Dude, you know what I watched the other night that's killer? And our boy Matty sent it to us. Matt, I appreciate it. Pig, the Nicolas Cage movie. Oh, I got to watch it.

God damn. People are raving. That's a good movie. Damn. I thought it was about my ex. All right. Have I made that joke six times yet? I drink every time I make that joke.

Your ex is a lovely woman too i don't know why she's got an apple in her mouth right now but yeah but no i i hear it's like gut-wrenching and sad it's the anti-john wick oh nicholas cage is like uh he's like sushi yeah it's either great or you're like i'm good this is gonna ruin my day that's so true yeah he ain't pizza where they say hey it's good anytime or if it's bad it's bad it's good whatever but yeah nick cage he's the type of good actor that you're like you see him be great and you're like oh yeah yeah yeah he can be amazing i mean he is you're right sushi's perfect and then ghost rider is like you, the airport sushi or whatever. I gave money to the wrong guy or something.

Yeah. Yeah. He had some gambling stuff, that guy. So tell me about Philadelphia. Well, I don't want to jizz at my own hair, but it was probably the best comedy weekend in my life. That doesn't shock me because you're, A, prepping for something. You're in a locked-in zone. Yep.

It's one of the best clubs in the country. My favorite, yeah. It's your favorite, you think? It's my number one favorite. It's number one? Now it is. It was always teetering in the top five, but now it's number one. Helium Philly.

Because? I love everything about it. Let's go through it. We live in New York. No flight. No flight. It's in the city. I about it. Let's go through it. We live in New York. No flight. No flight. It's in the city. I love it.

It's in the city. It's like right in Rittenhouse Square. Like you walk past, you blink, you walk past it, then you walk in. It's just this giant arena of comedy. It's kind of like slightly smaller Carolines too. Yes, exactly. Exactly. The staff is great.

You know, they run it with an iron fist it's so good got the green room goes right out to the stage and philly is a town much like boston they don't tolerate pretension right and that's what you need for good audiences it's a mix of blue collar and you know white collar which which it's a harmonious mix. Right. Much like how Boston has the MIT, the Harvard. They also got the fucking butcher who's on fentanyl every night, hitting his wife. You need both. You don't need him hitting his wife.

I can't change science. It's a very delicate recipe. I need spousal abuse for this to work it works and when i make a spousal abuse joke they laugh at it because i go that's like us you know and uh it's just it's just that connection and that mix and that gumbo and then i took the 1209 train back on sunday got it at three in the morning. That's the best feeling. Oh, it's the best of the best. So great. A late train ride is kind of nice, too. Yeah.

We're like, man, people will say stuff like, is it hard to work late at night? I'm kind of like, it's hard to work at rush hour. Oh. You're on the train with everybody. Great point. You're with that. We get the piece. We get the.

Yeah. I mean, look, we get the other bullshit. Like, if there's construction, they ain't waiting for us. Yes. No one respects. It doesn't matter if you work at night. No one respects a guy who wakes up at 11 a.m. I know.

I know. You wake up at 11. You fucking bum. I know. Well, I was working late. Exactly. My job was at night. I was drinking, but I was working too.

Part of the job, you know, kind of. I'll tell you. But yeah, you're right. I mean, I slept in because I was working, too. Part of the job, you know, kind of. I'll tell you. But, yeah, you're right. I mean, I slept in because I was still sick. I was getting over it. And we were hitting it hard every night doing shows. Who was opening for you? I had Sean Murphy.

Who's murdering. Murdering. This guy gets no love. He can't get a credit. He can't get laid. He's getting love every week on this podcast. I hope so because this guy is weird looking and gangly and hilarious. Just such a great writer, such a killer comic,

and murdering every night where people are getting messages going, who is that opener? Who is that guy? I was pleasantly surprised. That came out of nowhere. I'm like, I know he's a beast. Nobody will put him on TV. People don't realize comics that don't bring a good opener.

Look, some places now flights are absurd so we're not doing it everywhere but like most of the time i'll bring someone who is a murderer yeah because it makes the whole show better if comics who like purposely bring someone who's not that strong right you're doing a disservice to your show and you're doing a disservice to that crowd as well completely complete and the host i brought umar khan who's his he's like the the big guy in baltimore he's a cool guy. Cool guy, runs a couple shows, knows everything about comedy. He knows how to run a show.

He knows he's got a great act, so he kills up front. Then Murph Dogg comes in and just fucking hurricanes the place. And then I go out there, and it was just, then we come in the group, and we all talk about it, and it was amazing. We're working on our acts together, and it was just like a little lab in that green room of joke writing writing i love that man it was really special and murphy doesn't drink so he's like the perfect opener because he won't go you won't be like let's get some hookers come on what are we doing you know which is always fun but uh he he's good

influence you know you want a little bit of danger but uh i don't want a little bit of danger come on let's go to the donkey show that is a hilarious the opener who's doing blow he's like come on let's get some whores you're like dude you're fucking you're opening you got to settle down you gotta i know but you know you like a little rabble rouse every now and then i told you i was i re-watched rounders last week which like i think it's such a great movie it's on hbo uh max and you got you know ed norton ed norton's like my favorite actor i love really i hear he's a cunt that's what everybody says i think that's why i like him it's because he's such a perfectionist but like growing up he was my favorite actor because he was like he's a beast don't get me wrong yeah i mean because he can do

everything you know you can play a tough guy. He can play whatever. Primal Fear. Yeah, it's his first role. Unbelievable debut. American History X. As a kid, I was like, this is insane. Yeah. Rounders.

Even when he goes kind of lighter, like Keeping the Faith. People remember Larry Flynn. He plays a lawyer. He's different in every movie. Great. Great. What is it? Red Dawn. Not Red Dawn.

Red Dragon. Red Dragon. Never saw that one. Eh, it's not the best. in every movie great great red uh what is it uh red dawn not red red dragon red dragon never saw that one eh it's not the best but he's great is my point so the keaton one oh uh birdman birdman he's fun in that incredible yeah that was a great movie oh super cool people shit on that and i was like fuck you i think it won best picture or at least nominated did it win best picture man what it was it was in the running i'm pretty sure anyway my point is i brought up rounders because like that shitty friend it's like you've seen in mean streets you see them like pope of greenwich village all those like great new york movies another one and you know our boy brian koppelman and david levine wrote it they're like the coolest guys too so it won it won it's a great movie yeah

but you know rounders that fucking the guy's name is worm i love that i know because that's like every one of your friends is like with the girlfriend's like come on worm yeah you don't fucking know him like i know him yep every guy has a friend like that where you really do you don't understand we have a history worm turns out to be shitty but like the point is yep you have friendships as a as an adult man you have to explain to people right right that's so true i i kind of feel like biden feels like that about his kid hunter he's like you're doing blow again in russia on a laptop what are you doing oh and trump about his kid yeah same shit. Trump Jr., same shit. I mean, that kid is Kendall from Succession, for sure.

Oh, man, dead on, dead nuts on. But, I mean, just doing blow, just like tweet. But, yeah. You had that kid growing up? Did I have? Did I know that kid? Yeah, you had a worm in your life? Well, everyone did.

Yeah, I had one. I'm picturing him. Yeah, everyone had that. I mean, I still have friends like that where I'm like, fuck, you know? Oh, the jumping fences at parties I had to do to get away from fights Everyone had a trickle. Yeah, everyone had that. I mean, I still have friends like that where I'm like, fuck, you know? Oh, the jumping fences at parties I had to do to get away from fights because he would throw the grandfather clock in the pool at the house party. One time my friend took a shit. There were these, what do you call it, like heaters on the floor, like grates.

And he took a shit in the grate, and then he turned the heat on. And it was just the whole house. I'm like, that's not a fun prank. Not a fun prank, but also pretty innovative and kind of clever. You know, like where you're like, you piece of shit. I was making out with that girl. Fuck you. Richard Pryor was innovative.

That ain't innovative. That takes a lot. I don't know. Can I try what he had? I mean, this is killer. It's killer. I just want to mix it up a little bit. Why not?

I'll tell you. Good drink. Hell yeah. But yeah that my friend uh one time he was like you know i've never really been in a fist fight like uh my brother beat the shit out of me and he went up to a guy at a party goes you want to fight me and the guy was like no so he's like let's just fight he pushed him and he fell over and they fought and my friend lost. But I kind of respected that. Yeah, he just didn't. Like, I don't respect it, but I kind of. There's something weirdly charming about a guy who gives zero fucks. He gave no fucks. One time I.

And this is the last thing I'll say. Fight me is so funny. He was the craziest guy. One time I look over and somebody goes, can you fill my beer up? And I was like, you want to ask him to fill your beer up? And he's like, who's that guy? I was like, all right, it's your funeral. And I look over and somebody goes can you fill my beer up and i was like you want to ask him to fill your beer up and he's like who's that guy i was like all right it's your funeral and i look over he's filling the beer and his dick is in the glass while he's filling the guy's beer up and i'm like wow there he is that's my guy that's fucking yeah he was that guy it's like the guy on any sport team where you're like you know you hate him unless they're on your team

yes that's exactly like oh this dude's a lot. But, like, everyone has a friend they have to explain. Shit. Like, it gets tougher when you become an adult and a friendship comes with an explanation, though. I know, I know. When you're just like, all right, this is Bob. He's a degenerate gambler.

He has a drinking problem. Right. He smokes crack occasionally he's a habitual exactly you know my friend adam man i grew up with him like total total not i wonder if he even listens to this but uh you know adam at a good heart he's one of those kids same with my guy chess champion at whoa like as a child he was ranked second in the fucking country as chess. What? He was one of those kids. Holy shit.

Like, there was interviews of him as a child with a bow tie on TV. What? He interviewed. Now, he had a messed up home life. So then later on, Adam is going down some dark holes, gets thrown out of school, you know, blowing lines like like I've never seen it, smoking crack, doing everything like. Smart people get fucked up, too. That's what he was. He was smart.

Yeah. This guy would be on crack hustling dudes at fucking Washington Square Park. He would go to the, he'd be like, oh, I don't know how to play chess. Let's put some money on it. Oh, he was grifting. And he would destroy them because he was, he's a genius chess player. I mean, that's how he made his living. He would just tutor kids in chess. Oh, he was grifting. And he would destroy them because he's a genius chess player. I mean, that's how he made his living. He would just tutor kids in chess.

Oh, my. This is a movie. This kid's a movie. Yeah, he's a hustler. He's an interesting kid. Got a great heart, but like, fuck, man. But he'd always be in trouble. Yeah.

Oh, hell yeah. You're the man, Dan. Thank you. You're due. He'd always be in trouble. I mean, shit, I remember he'd come to... Anytime I'd be doing a casino gig, he'd always be in trouble i mean i remember he'd come to anytime i'd be doing a casino gig he'd just be there i just walk out and he'd just be at the gig like i'd be in like foxwoods i'd be

at like atlantic city he'd be like hey buddy and i'd be like this is like out of a movie like you didn't text me wow and you're also like great to see it but also like oh man this weekend it's a different it's a different weekend It's a very different weekend. I was planning on writing this weekend. Yeah, not before. Now this dude's here. I remember this was one of the best ones. I walk out.

This is a gig I never got paid for either, AC. Damn. This motherfucker skipped town. Hate AC. Hate AC. But I walked out. I had a good time there a few weeks ago, though, in Emilio's new room. It was pretty good.

Yeah, Emilio's a good guy. That's actually a solid room. Solid room. But I walk out. Even Reno looks at AC and is like, ooh, you got to get your shit together. When Reno is shitting on you, you got to get it going. It's so dingy. Reno, it's like having a guy with no teeth be like, you got to clean up your act.

You got to start flossing, man. Yeah. Yeah. Holy shit. How about that paper plane huh this is fucking incredible not too bad right came from Chicago in the 80s wow this is insane so did John Candy I don't know what that means but yeah hey man I'll tell you uh he shows up so he shows up at the gig in AC never get paid for it it was one of those like dark I remember like they put me in a condo it's hilarious when you play in a decent hotel and they're like we

got a different place for you to stay like i can't even stay in the fucking mediocre hotel attached to the casino yeah so i'm in some condo i remember i just stumble and drunk one night i see a cockroach i stomp on it and then i just fall right into the bed yeah i'm like that's that was the weekend in a nutshell anyway it, weekend, I mean week. Working with a great old school comic I was working with. I won't say his name. He was an old school act. You're middling?

No, it's a three person show. Oh, okay. So we just all split time. And he's been around forever. He's telling me Seinfeld stories. He's telling me Carlin stories. He opened for Carlin for half a year. He toured Carlin.

Really cool guy. And I remember he said he went up to george carlin trying to buddy up to him at some point and said uh man that uh that dice what a fucking hack or something like that and he goes i think it's good what he's doing that's what carlin said he's making people uncomfortable i like it whoa interesting yeah Interesting. Yeah, yeah. Interesting stuff. Anyway, I walk out from the gig and it's like, you know, not great crowds. And I just see Adam at the table. He's playing poker at the table and he's fucking up a lot. And he's drunk and he's trolling people at the table.

He's like, you fuck. He's calling people fucking fish. He goes, you fish. Look at you, you fish. Because you're biting at everything, kind of. We got to have this guy on. I love this guy. Adam will be good.

Holy shit. What is he doing now? Does he have a job? He's a chess teacher. Still chess. Wow. I don't even know how to play chess, which is sad. Oh, I'm bad at it, but it's a cool game, I think.

Of course. It's been around for centuries, and kings,ultans and all that shit people love it i love i mean like i wish it was a game i wish i was good at yeah it leads to so i mean i watched the bobby fisher doc i mean that kid's fucked up yeah dude he's a mess jewish guy brooklyn dad ran out mom was abusive yada yada yada he hated chess he hated the yada yada over the best part but yeah you got to beat the russians that's what it was all about and there's so much pressure and tell that to simone biles all right apparently she was on uh adderall and they don't allow that in china really that? That's what's going around now.

Adderall's the good stuff, man. Oh, yeah. You ever take that stuff? Oh, yeah, but it's a gateway. It's a gateway to what? Success? Well, a little bit until you start hitting the hard stuff. Really?

I think you do a little Adderall. A lot of the guys I know doing Adderall, if they weren't prescribed, they started doing blow. Yeah. You need to keep that up i got some of that stuff i'll take like whatever like uh brand shittier version of that stuff i'll get prescribed but yeah i uh i'll take it i haven't taken in a while but like man you get where you're basically bradley cooper and limitless you are just laser focused yeah man you know what's crazy i got a physical today yeah yeah netflix they make you

get a physical which is silly i'm like i just did eight hours in philly and you're like we gotta do we gotta do a half hour here you sure you're gonna handle it i'm like what are you kidding i do a drinking podcast what do they say it's classic i mean uh i had to cough obviously but man it felt great she's like how old are you i'm like 37 how tall like 5 10 how much do you weigh i don't know 160 she did all my shit blood pressure heart rate you know whatever ox ox she was like you are in tip top you're you're lean you got this you got that i was like yeah something the start of a porno i know she was like a hot jewish uh lady too young ashley but uh i told her I can't sleep.

She's like, I'll write you some stuff here. You're good to go. And so I got some sleeping pills out of it. Really? Yeah. So thank you, Ash. I mean, she might get fired, but she's clearly a quack. But either way, I appreciate you.

That's great. It's fun. You ever go see a doctor and you just get another doctor? Like you make an appointment with this hotshot doctor. We can never get away with that. You can never buy a ticket to see Mark Norman. And it's just some other guy like, yeah, I recommend him. Right. He was under my tutelage. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That's so true. No, I was supposed to see some dude. And she walked in and I felt guilty because I didn't want to be like, where's the man?

You know, but I was like, I thought I was supposed to see Mr. whatever and she was like, he's busy, I'll take over. And I was like, great, women are great at everything. I smoothed it over. But she was super cool and great. It's fun being on that table when you're like,

oh, it's good news. You're on that butcher paper, you're like, you got a tumor, you got to lance this, you got to assist. But it's nice when's good news you know because you you're on that butcher paper you're like you got a tumor you got a lance this you got a you know a cyst but it's nice when they're like ship shape that is nice and then you're like all the things i've done you sure the well don't take fucking fentanyl from a stranger again yeah i didn't mention that don't do it not doing it that's that freaked me out man oh that was horrible horrible sleeping in a hotel lobby for three hours yeah oh yeah fuck i don't recommend it and then my host was like oh i used to do four of those a day i'm like jesus christ yeah well that's why he's hosting you gotta

fucking you gotta take care of yourself man yeah we'll stick to the uh the grandpa's cough yeah give me another one, you fat bastard. All right, you talked me into it. Hold on. Well, turkey's not too shabby, huh? The 100? What do you think? Thank you, Dan.

Is that like low-quality booze? Well, turkey's great. It's just higher proof, so you got to be ready for it, you know? And you have to soften it up with a few other things, so it's perfect for the paper plane. And you like it to be, do you like to taste the booze?

So that's perfect. A little bit, yeah. I want to know what's there. Because otherwise, it's going to be just like a nice, soft little drink if it's 40%, like, you know, if it's Four Roses or Woodford or anything like that. But Wild Turkey 101, it'll get you there. You know what? Taste the booze.

Hear me out on this, because this is a leap. You know when you're going down on your lady and there's a just a hint of a scent of a vagina no i'm not talking fish and uh taco tuna whatever i'm talking just a hint of normal human that's what you want if it's completely smell i'll go one further i'll go with full-on human yeah you want some real stank i'm not saying stank but i want to smell this year the smell of the vagina that's how i feel it's the same with booze i want a little bit of stank i want you you're you're a natural lady here my go-to drink is is a manhattan mine which is a hard drink that's all alcohol yeah exactly. Mine is tequila. Which is a hard drink. That's all alcohol. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I like tequila with a squeeze of lime. Yeah. So, yeah, we like pussy. I'm sorry. Yeah, dude. We sound like that one guy who's, like, clearly gay. He's like, I love pussy. Hey, everybody.

Good to be here at the bar. Love pussy and boobs. The guy who drinks 151, that guy, he's like, I eat ass. Yeah. I know, right? Oh, man. That is tough when the guy's like, man, how good is pussy? Am I right?

That friend, you know that friend? We've seen that guy. We know exactly who we're talking about. We know who we're talking about, the same type of dude. Yeah. The guy's like, man, pussy, man. Pretty good. It's weird because it's so open.

You'd be gay now. Nobody gives a shit. Go be gay, be trans, be whatever, bi, whatever you are. But back in the day, there must have been so many gay dudes. Like Mad Men, there was that clearly gay guy. Salvatore, right? Yeah, who you just had to go with it. He had to get married, and that's crazy.

And he just disappeared from that show. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, man. That was, I think, back in the day. You wanted to live that life. I always loved that arc on Mad Men where Don Draper kind of saw him and didn't really judge. He's like, who the fuck am I?

I love that. I'm an adulterer. Yeah. Made you like that. This guy's fucking around his wife. It's funny. It's like that code of silence. He's like, yeah, we're all shitty.

But also, Draper has his secret. So he's like, you got yours, I got mine. kind of simpatico that it's tough to watch like my favorite shows like i have so many like great favorite shows that it's almost tough to give a new show a chance because i can just revisit my favorite shows you know oh yeah i know i know that's true netflix gotta watch this new netflix thing like netflix original original original Netflix shows are usually not that good. HBO. I just watched The Undoing. That's my rec for the week.

I got to check this out. Dude, so you just finished Mare of Easttown. Yes, loved it. The Undoing is fucking strong. All right. It's Nicole Kidman and Hugh Grant, and they're both great. And dude, Donald Sutherland just kills it. Wow, he's still going?

He's still going. Oh, I love that guy. That guy it. Wow, he's still going? He's still going. Oh, I love that guy. That guy rules. Yeah, he's the reason Animal House got made. He's so funny in that movie. Oh, he's great, great. His ass cheek cleavage with the sweater when he's getting it. That's perfect.

So perfect. Sleeping with the professor. Come on. Great movie. I'm an Animal House guy over Caddyshack, which I know is. Wow, I'm not. I love Animal House. Over Caddyshack which i know is wow i'm not i love animal over caddyshack i love it it's dude you got dangerfield ted knight chevy chase and bill murray and you're

going animal house i like animal because it's more of a film which i know is crazy caddyshack is like it's sketches after it's fucking bill murray do it look it's great i love it don't get me wrong i love bill murray he's like one of my heroes but like bits in the hole like all that it's just here's bill murray being funny here's rodney being funny here's ted knight being hilarious here's chevy chase being hilarious but it's a little all over the place but as a film to me animal house is more cohesive you laugh harder at animal house than you catdyshack i don't know about that i don't know about that you probably got me there the jokes might be bad thank you ted knight and fucking and caddyshack oh he's the number one he's the number one mvp for dangerfield i mean

danger just walking through that country club like inspired like that like made me want to be a comedian because he's just going through a room of stiffs and insulting all of them going up to that lady you must have been something before electricity all right they give you a free bowl of soup with that hat yeah i mean it looks good on you though i mean there's a million of them but i don't know i just as a movie caddyshack like i like when a comedy is also a good movie like trading places great movie coming to america great movie anchorman is funny as hell but it's a little whoopsie doozy sketches over yes over an actual film that's just a personal press what silliness over right yeah for sure they're in a fight with a trident like i love it it's all over the top but

it's like well now i like a little reality all right because i like pulling comedy out of real shit that's why i like the seinfeld show or larry david so much fair enough but that's just me that's fair enough no it's a stylistic preference yeah i get that but hey i get i've gotten my ass kicked all day long for saying that all right i'll watch it well i gotta hear your take on rick and morty now oh you don't like it do you oh well well well I've only watched the pilot because I don't want to get too far into it because I'd like to talk to you about it. Okay. It's pretty great. I love some of the jokes in it.

You're like, I've never seen a joke like that. And I love that. Like when he goes, shoot that guy. And he's like, I don't want to hurt anybody. He's like, no, he doesn't have feelings. He's like an alien. And he shoots me and goes, I got kids. And the guy, I love that.

I've never seen a joke like that. Like he's a henchman. I love it. And he's like, I have kids. What are you doing to me? And then he evaporates or whatever. I don't love sci-fi just in general. I hate sci-fi.

I hate Star Trek. I hate all that shit. So it's not really my cup, but I love the scientist guy. I love the fucking relationship with them two. I love how he keeps fighting to keep the kid there. I love it. It's great. Keep going.

But I want to keep going. I'm in. It only gets better. It's so good, man. It's not even about the aliens and the science. No, no, man. It's not even about the aliens and the science. No, no, no. And also, greatness transcends genre. I'm not a sci-fi guy either, but Ex Machina is one of the best movies I've ever seen. Yeah, love Ex Machina.

Good point, good point. Okay. Blade Runner's a great noir. It's not just a sci-fi movie. Yeah. All right, all right. I'm only in the pilot, by the way. But it was great

at the end where he's like rickandmorty.com yeah this was this was fun remember if you want to see more rickandmorty.com like the the the scientists keep saying that is that rick rick yeah yeah so great the burping the alcohol it's fun it's great man i love it i love i'm in but i'm only in one ep give me a peeve oh I got a peeve for you. Peeve me. Now, this is a weird out of left field peeve. All right. You never hear about right field.

Why is it always left? You know what I mean? Right field is actually harder. Yeah. That came right out of right field. Maybe because it's right out of right. You don't want it to double right. Yeah, but out of left field, left field is not as far.

The guy with the better arm is playing in right field. Right. Came right out a left field left field's not as far the guy with the better arm is playing in right field right came right out of left field as a kid the shitty player plays right field but when you're in the major leagues you need to have a fucking gun exactly we know it's left field only that came uh that came just out of right field why can we say that i don't know and they also say kiss my left testicle it's always the left give my left nut yeah my left nut you always hear left nut suck my left nut never the right unless it's lance armstrong then you just say suck my nuts like my nut i remember when i first heard he had testicle cat was it ball cancer testicular testicular cancer and then cheryl crowe got breast cancer and some kid at school was like,

he must have jizzed on her tits. I was like, that's the funniest, smartest thing I've ever heard in my life. You are for now the king of comedy. Wow. I mean, that blew my mind as a kid. I was like, that is comedy. Yeah. I don't know.

I was probably like 31. How long ago was that? Did you see the documentary on Lance Armstrong? I loved it. It's incredible. I loved it. And just to double down on that, Bill Burr defended Lance Armstrong on Conan and Panel. Lance Armstrong called him.

He did his pod. They talk about the whole thing, and he gets it all out. It's great. Wow. Yeah, Bill Burr's like, they were on drugs. You were on drugs. He's like, exactly. We were all on drugs. Why did I get popped popped and they kept all the money i made them because no one gives a

shit about the people that failed on drugs exactly you care about the people who win on drugs you know what i mean like performance enhancing drugs if they're not helping your performance then who gives a shit right like if we do steroids no one gives a shit? Right. Like, if we do steroids, no one gives a fuck. Because we're still going to suck. Yeah, good point. 1996. Okay, so I was 10 years old. No, wait, 13 years old. Perfect.

Man. Thank you. The fact that he just kind of owns what a dick he is. And I appreciate the honesty. I mean, he doesn't seem like he was a great dude. But you know what? He was kind of a badass. A total badass. I feel like he was a great dude but you know what he was kind of a bad he was kind of a badass total badass i feel like kobe was like that he's like i know i'm not very nice on the

court but he got nice by the end though he got nice by the end but he was also like get out of my way i'm i'm winning lance armstrong man he really there's something so badass about cycling at that level i know because it's so fucking scary. Like, you wipe out. Yeah. I wipe out on a bike. It sucks. Yeah, good point.

Can you imagine how much it sucks to be going, like, that fast? I never thought about that. And you wipe. It's scary, dude. And you ain't wearing pants. You're wearing that fucking yoga pants, shorts, and the tight, tight shirt. You dress like you're delivering fucking UPS. Yeah.

How many of those? What is with older men and those fucking skin tight suits and those shoes? And they love cycling. What is that? I have no desire to. It's like 60 year old, 55 year old guys, usually like rich white guys who just cycle and they go fast. It looks awful. I know.

Then they have to pop in a Starbucks halfway and they look like weirdos. You know, they like some kind of like they've been rock climbing or something. I can't ride a bike. What? I mean, I've done it. I'm just not good at it. What do you mean not good at it? People made fun of me.

Well, you didn't have a dad. No, my dad fucking, I talked to him about this the other day. I have a dad. He fucking. That sounded like a kid. I do have a dad. That was funny. He gave me shit about the other day

I was like you never taught me dude We gotta do a Patreon episode I mean you're gonna ride a bike We're going to Central Park We're gonna get a mountain bike And I'm gonna teach you We're gonna film the whole thing I'll get in a city bike

Oh perfect We'll do it in the grass If you fall over No training wheels We'll get you a helmet I got a helmet Oh alright perfect You got your special needs helmet Put it on we'll we'll do the whole thing you know i yeah he was making fun of

me the other day he's like you can't ride a bike i'm like you're my dad you're making fun of me that's hilarious oh guess what i i had to learn to shave on my own too my dad taught me to shave when i was like seven and i'm like i don't i'm not gonna retain this right right exactly now i'm just cutting my face up but i remember i did a show uh on msg like this was not the show i had but this was like when yannis and chris di stefano had a show on msg called the bracket i don't even know they had that so they had a show where we'd be like talking heads and i was one of the talking heads and msg is you know a local sports network so they don't have a big budget so yeah they're like oh you're gonna be on every episode of the season but you just show up and shoot all in one day i was like fine i'll show up i don't

know how to fucking shave i'm an adult man really yeah i figured it out like fucking i mean it's pretty simple three years ago cream on you yeah but i would but i didn't i wasn't gentle just like do it all at once so i would i would break yeah so i remember i did a fucking whole season of that show and i would just have red red marks all over my they don't have a makeup person i have red marks all over my neck so it'd be on in every bar in the city msg so every time i just look up i just see red all over my neck and i'm like oh oh, this is disgusting. And every TV tape just lights right on your face and the red really pops. Brutal. Damn.

Now we got to pull those up. I want to see the... Get an MSG. I don't know. Type in MSG Red Bumps Jew. I bet it pops up. But wait, my peeve. We got off on a tear there.

This goes back to my childhood. I fucking hate, hate lamps. Wow. I hate when you go in a room and there's no overhead light or wall light or mount. It's all lamps. Okay, well, you don't hate lamps exclusively. I don't hate lamps exclusively. You just hate them if they're the fucking star player.

Yes, exactly. exclusively they're the fucking star player yes exactly my dad had a he loved lamp so it was all you know my dad thinks he's some kind of he fancies himself like a feng shui architectural come guzzlin you know like room designer interior guy and he was like here's my lamp over here and i got a lamp over there and he would he would meticulously like put one on to like light up a a painting and all that and i hate hate it! Give me some light! It depresses you. Lamps should be like Willem Dafoe. If they're carrying the whole thing, we got a problem. If they're the second or third,

we got a nice little thing going on. Ah, boy. Wow. That was the best analogy I've ever heard. You pulled that out of your ass in two seconds. That was great. I'm with you. Lamps are great, but if they're carrying the whole fucking room especially with the big room it's dim it's dull it's it's a bummer you're just

sifting around in this like moody light ah i'm an eight-year-old i want to have fun and then go play and why do you play video games and it's like turn the fucking light on dad what are you doing he's reading under a lamp with a pipe i'm like you're not an intellectual shut up you're drunk your dad's sherlock holmes yeah i know right exactly god i drive me crazy give me a goddamn i love his walk in the room hitting the switch boom full lit up illumination baby give me thomas edison and ben franklin the lamp hate the lamp the lamp is a is it should not be carrying the whole team no and also we had so many very like antique and and like artsy lamps so you got to get under there it's like an upskirt then sometimes you're like on the floor trying to find the clit you know with that little weird nozzle thing and you're on the wire and then sometimes it's around the base

like ah give me the give me the clicker give me the full switch i like a switch love a switch how about when you go back and forth and it doesn't turn on oh man is that it is kind of like if you're fingering someone and they just won't come you're like i'm doing everything what the hell i'm doing i'm hitting the button here yeah that is a bummer so yeah that is my peeve i hate i had a hotel room in Philly, the Sonesta, and it was just lamps. Sonesta is a nice hotel. Great hotel, but I open all the curtains so you get the daylight. But once that sunset hits, it's all lamp time, and I had to get out of there.

Yeah. The childhood. Yeah, a hotel. I guess it depends on the city because some of these cities have tiny-ass hotels. That's true. What city were you in? Philly. That's probably a small room though, right?

It was a solid room. I mean, I don't need much, but I like to just walk in, hit the light, you know, because also I'm paranoid about burglars and weird intruders. I got weird phobias with all that with my childhood. Do you still go into the shower and pull the- Oh, every night night even on my own house i live in a big apartment building with you know many units and i'm like they're in mine i know it and i look under the bed i do all that you look under the bed i look in the closets i'm

scared damn i mean i've walked in on multiple burglaries so many burglaries have you walked in i don't know eight or nine eight or nine oh yeah and that's just the have you walked in on? I don't know, eight or nine? Eight or nine? Oh, yeah. And that's just the ones I walked in on. Sometimes you see a door and you see a guy run out and you're like, oh, shit. I saw a guy run through my yard once holding a computer monitor once when I was a kid. And I was like, damn. Damn. Yeah, yeah. You see that cord dangling in the wind.

I don't have any stories except once, this is nothing, but I walked back to, I was living on like 108th and I, uh, I walk in, I guess I had a faulty fire alarm. So someone called the, called the, you know, fire department on me. They just like break your door in and knock everything over to turn it off. I'm like, I feel like you guys got excessive. I feel like they just started like knocking shit over. Like, fuck you. You wasted our time.

Yeah. Yeah. I know. They want to break some shit after a while. They just sit at home and, or they sit in that station station it took a dump on one of my desks this was excessive exactly yeah i mean i got i got broken into in the village uh about two years ago really yeah you told me that yeah came in through the window i mean it was like a caper climbed the fire skate came into the window and it got it like triggered it triggered me. The girlfriend grew up in the Burbs and Cape Cod.

She's like, wow, that's crazy. I'm like, I was sitting on the bed like he was right here. I felt so, what do you call it? Violated. Violated. He took all my cash. He was in my drawer. His footprints were on my bed.

You definitely had too much cash in your pocket. Oh, yeah, I still do. How many thousands? six grand he took he took six grand but he didn't touch anything else because he took the cash did you almost respect how he swooped in through your window a little bit yeah and i part of me is like did he know my schedule you know was he like oh he's at new york comedy club tonight then he's at the cellar you know like because he knew we were both not home it was almost premeditated it felt like an inside job but it wasn't they caught the guy they got him they got him you didn't get your money back it's called cash i could just say oh he took a million get it give it back you know

like how could they know you take a laptop there's serial numbers uh i guess they put him in jail because he robbed another guy that's how they called him but how do you know it was him fingerprints we dusted damn yeah so i'm sure he's out now that was a couple years ago you know it's like petty crime i guess yeah i don't know but yeah your brain you know when you get when you get robbed your brain goes to weird place like i'm walking around the neighborhood after that i'm like was it him was it him was it him you know you never know you never trust anybody again exactly my bike got stolen a doorman building now no i hate a doorman why i don't like the hello but i don't like it a lot of the robbery maybe but i got a good lobby i gotta i got him on the a good lobby yeah no one's ever penetrated a good lobby before. I just... I love that. I got two doors.

Fucking a good lobby. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. I got a mezzanine. You got to get through one door, then you got to go through another door, and then you don't know what unit I'm in. No criminal's ever penetrated glass. I'm saying you could get into my building, but I was on the first floor of my old building, so I was basically the first door, and I was on the fire escape.

Jeez. I know. it's crazy but yeah you can't i mean i hate to say you don't you don't want a first floor apartment in new york no you really don't i hate to say it but it's tough i'm taking you know my girlfriend around today and we're and we're just walking through and it's like she's not from here so it's like yeah every time i take the train i see a crazy guy i'm just like kind of trying to get her to not see it yeah the guy's just like staring at me i'm like i'm like kind of like i know what it is he's just staring at me but she's right there and i'm just like looking at him back like stop looking at me dude staring right at me and i'm just like god damn it he's still staring at me i'm like yeah let's just walk this way for a second. He starts walking toward me like this. I'm like, fuck.

And then finally something else caught his attention. Like, thank God. I'm like, I don't care if he fucks with me, but like, does he have to do it while she's there? I know. It's like a kid. You want to protect. You want to like not,

you don't want her to see horrible things like a jerking off or a puking or a shitting. For sure. I mean, I want to do a bit about it. How it's like you want someone to move here and then it turns into like it's almost like a room new york is like a roommate that you're like just behave yeah that's great behave like a week then some dude comes on the train with his dick out you're like you promised come on why that's great that's a great bit this paper plane is fucking good How have I never heard of this drink?

This should be more popular. You know, it's getting more popular. Everybody loves Aperol, and this is like one of the better ways to drink Aperol than an Aperol Spritz, I would say. Hey, I agree. An Aperol Spritz feels a little ladyish, if I might say so. And I feel like paper plane, what a great name. This is better than any spirit flight I've ever had. Get it?

Spirit? All right. All right. 2021, drink what you want. Hell yeah. You can be a man with enough cocktail. Fuck that. You got that right.

Thank you. I love it. And also, I mean, Michelle Wolf popularized the Aperol Spritz at the Comedy Cellar. That's right. There were nights when we'd all be getting hammered on Aperol Spritzes and Ari Shafir would be drinking them oh yeah comics would be drinking those and like shit man i'm not gonna lie they fucking hit well they hit well and they're not too sweet

they got a little tang they're really good and they're spritzy they're like effervescent you know it does it does it's a good drunk It's a happy drunk. Right. That's why those housewives really hit that shit hard, you know, because they are miserable. Oh, yeah. One of them was married to Kelsey Grammer. Wow. He was a drunk. Yeah, dude. Well, he was fucking doing everything.

I mean, he's a talent, that guy. That guy rules, man. He's great. He's great. I love that guy. I love seeing him on Colbert. And Colbert, he's prying because this is years ago when trump was running in like 2016 whatever maybe 2015 and he's like who are you uh who are you gonna vote for he's just prying because he knows he's a republican

and he's like well my supporters behind dr ben carson just that frazier voice that's great just killed me i was like this is I mean, has that been done? Well, I guess I shouldn't say, but a spinoff from kind of a nobody character, not a nobody, but like a third string character on Cheers to the huge, successful leading role of a sitcom. It's crazy. I mean, I know they tried to do that shit with Joey, but it's like. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Frasier is like next level. It's crazy how he was fucked up for like seasons. I know. I know. And he pulled it off. Isn't that crazy? My friend just said that Dave Chappelle, he runs a club. Andrew Youngblood runs this great club called the Seeger Group in Houston.

And he said Chappelle popped in one night. So he's like, oh, shit, we got to go nuts. We got to tweet it out. It sells out in two seconds. I don't know if I should say this shit, but he said he was, Chappelle was hammered. And like, ah, fuck it. You're too deep. I'm too deep.

And it's not that bad. But he was so, you know, he's like legless. And he was so drunk, he kept kept almost he was doing his act. He did like an hour or two. He's doing his that and he couldn't light the cigarette. He was too drunk. But he said every joke was pitch perfect delivery. Crystal clear.

Boom. But then he was like. Wow. For an hour, he never lit it. And but yet he was so shitfaced, but he was perfectly killing. And I'm like, that's what Frasier could do or Kelsey Grammer. Yeah, man. I mean, you see episodes of that.

And the physical comedy out of all those actors, that's one of the best cast shows of all time. Even the dog was good. It's incredible. It's incredible. I told you I went to a live taping. What? Yeah, I was a kid. My dad did like a – my dad had a business trip to California, so we just like kind of turned into a family vacation.

Whoa. And we went to – we got to go to like a run through of a Frasier episode. So what were you, like 10? I was young. Wow. I didn't – I knew it was cool. Like I was like – it was crazy to watch. You know, I think it was right when he had the drug rumors. So it was know i knew it was cool like i was like it was crazy to watch you know

i think it was right when he had the drug rumors so it was like people knew he was struggling wow but he was incredible i mean there was like one scene where i think he forgot his lines he was like i'm just like you know he was like jittery but when he came in and delivered you're like this guy's on another level really yeah he's like a phenom and what a great i mean my parents kind of suck so like that's such a great thing to show your kid you know like oh we're going to the tar pits or disney world fuck that we're going to fraser taping now my parents had a huge influence on me wanting to pursue comedy i think like wow shit like that and just like when you come from a family of lawyers it's just like

there's a very succinct way of speaking yeah Yeah. Like my brother, sister, and dad all speak in a very kind of – they don't waste words. Yeah, I like that. They speak in a very economical way. Right. It's efficient. Yeah. So I think that definitely influences you. You're like, wow, they're good at just speaking.

That's part of being a lawyer. Wow, man. And they're good at forming arguments i mean that's like it law being a lawyer in a lot of ways similar to stand up totally similar totally think how many comics we love were lawyers uh giraldo dimitri martin alabelle was he a lawyer yeah i don't even know adamant really yeah wow man imagine that guy being your lawyer. I'll tell you. Higher danger field. Yeah, that's true. I feel like we didn't get your peeve.

I got a few. We're running out of time here. I got a few. Uh-oh. One is punctuality. Sure. Like when people aren't punctual, rather. Just people getting ready, you know?

I get it. We get it. This is a lady thing. Sure. Okay. And I'm very respectful of it. i get it we get it with this little lady thing sure okay i and i'm very respectful of it i get it but like i think you know women just take longer to get ready yeah of course the hair the makeup the outfit i guess and and look they will be upset like i literally will go i look i recorded the last episode in shorts i I get it. I get it, too. Look at that. We're wearing jeans and a t-shirt. We don't put a lot of effort in.

Being a woman, yeah, for sure. Women, but they do take longer. Of course. And we're part of the same team when we go out. So I'm going to notice the part of the team that takes a little longer. Like if there was a basketball team and one guy's like, let's fucking go, and the other guy's like, I'm not ready yet. Yeah, Louie had that great bit. He's like, let's fucking go. And the other guy's like, I'm not ready yet. Yeah, Louie had that great bit.

He's like, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be mean to my kid. But if there's someone in a group who doesn't put their shoes on, that kid's an asshole. You know, I'm butchering the joke. But it's a good point. Like, kids are assholes. Louie's got some of the best bits of all time. Of course, of course.

But so, yeah, punctual, I'm with you. My girl does that, and I think I brought it up before. She goes, I'm like, all right, I'm going out to whatever, deliver a packet. I'll leave with you. I got to leave, too. We'll leave together. I'm like, okay, let's go. She's like, well, wait, hold on.

Then she has to bake a turkey, do the crossword puzzle, and fill out the taxes. Do three backflips, yeah. Yeah, exactly. I i'm like i would have been done by now but you you want to leave together whatever that is the other thing is my girlfriend can't drink caffeine so i'm very well yeah it's just like certain like health stuff so i'm very like look admittedly i'm more awake during the day if i think about caffeine i'd be a fucking nightmare. You drink enough caffeine for the both of you.

Dude, I drink, I'll do four or five cups easy. Oh, yeah. Didn't you have an ulcer? Did you ever get rid of that? I'm all right, I think. All right, good. Oh, fuck. I mean, you had an ulcer at 28.

You were like a detective. I was on tour with Schumer. Yeah. We were in Canada, and I went went to the hospital and she was just like, she was like, you didn't tell me you went to the hospital. And I was like, yeah, I don't want to bother her. I feel the same way. It's embarrassing. I was embarrassed by it.

Yeah. She's taking us to these fucking fancy restaurants. Of course. Of course. And I'm like, I'll have the grilled chicken. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want the steak or cocktail. No, give me a water and the chicken.

Brutal. No sauce. Yeah, no, I had an ulcer. Fucking blue. Yeah, yeah. What is that? It's just stinging in the skin. It's just like holes in your stomach layer.

It was just like, yeah, I remember the doctor was a guy in pink pants, and he was like, yeah, you're fucked up. He was like a French-Canadian guy just mocking me, just laughing. I was like, can, you're fucked up. He was like a French Canadian guy, just mocking me, just laughing. I was like, can I have orange juice? Can I have any joy? And he was like, nah. Ah, at least it was free. No, I mean, no, your health care doesn't

transfer. Oh, I thought it was just free in Canada. You think you just go to a doctor, and they're like, yeah, you know, this doesn't cause anything. Yeah, that's what I really thought. Are you fucking kidding me? Well, it's all paid for by the government i thought right i mean that's what health care is is it not what are we what are we fighting for are you fucking kidding me if you're canadian you have free health care but if you but if you're an american visiting canada they're not just like you're a visitor we will also give you i just

figured it was a hospital how does doctors make money well when you go get free coffee at a hotel and you're an american in canada at a hotel you go get free coffee at a hotel and you're an American in Canada at a hotel, you still get the coffee. I'm a Holiday Inn doctor. That's what I am. I went to medical school at La Quinta University. I'm just saying. I thought it was free. What, you gotta be

part of the country to get free healthcare? Have you ever heard any of this shit? I've heard that if you go to the like, the U.K., they will give you free medical care. But I don't know about Canada. I paid. Okay. I paid.

Okay, so that's what I thought was the same shit. Maybe you got hustled. You know, there's some guy in an alleyway. He's like, yeah, you got to pay for this. Yeah, you got Trudeau'd. I did wear blackface for some reason. He said it was part of the cure. I don't know.

It was brown. But, yeah. I thought it was. of the cure. I don't know. It was brown. But, yeah. I really thought, like, oh, it's a hospital. You go in, you go. It's like a post office. Or not a post office. Like the DMV. That's free, right?

What's free? Something's free, huh? COVID tests are free. Some places. Yeah. I got a free one last week. Yeah, but they probably paid who netflix oh no i went in they if you do a rapid test it's free the vaccine is free

the vaccine is free that's free okay okay but people still don't want people don't trust free if the vaccine were five dollars oh people would take the vaccine it It's like a comedy show. If you pay $1, you'll be more invested. If the vaccine, to make the vaccine $4.99, it'll sell out. That's a great idea. You have to create some sort of demand. Yes. If you go to a comedy show and it's free, you're like, this show sucks. If you go and it's fucking $20, you're like, I'm all in.

So true. Make that vaccine, fuck it, make it $9.99. Yeah. And then we'll give you the second one for half off or something. So now you got to go back. Yeah. I think you get a deal. Sorry.

The phlegm, the booze, I think is breaking it up a little, which is nice. I don't know. I think it may work for one. I don't know for two. All right. I'll stop it. I want you to be all right for your tape in here. I don't want to be a negative influence.

But good peeve. Good peeve. I'm with you 100%. And what's cool about my girl is she gets it and she's aware of it. No, she gets it too. I'm just saying punctuality for me is big. Like I was on time here tonight, but I'm never fucking early enough because you're always 10 minutes earlier. Well, I like to get here and do pull-ups and I don't want you to catch me.

Are you really doing pull-ups? I do pull-ups, and I don't want you to catch me. Are you really doing pull-ups? I do pull-ups on the scaffolding. That's fucking neat, yeah. And then I come in, and I say hello to Matt, and we talk about something. Doing pull-ups, fucking P90Xing before the show. Well, I don't go to the gym. So I used to go to the gym twice a week, regiment, and it was like a big part of my life, and I feel like it makes you healthier and blah, blah, blah.

Why don't you go anymore? My gym is closed because of COVID. The rec center? Rec center. Me too. Yeah, I hate that. I love the rec. rec i swim laps is what i do i'm not a big weights guy like swimming's the best laps are great nothing better than swimming that's why i love going to la you know you know i won't ever live there but like i'll visit my girl in la and her building's got a pool and i just i just bang out some laps yeah mental health oh yeah you feel good every

muscle i make some small talk with the old women who also swim with me doesn't make you feel amazing just bang out some laps. Yeah. Mental health. Oh, yeah. You feel good. Every muscle. I make some small talk with the old women who also swim with me. Doesn't make you feel amazing about your workout that the woman next to me is 73. She's doing the same thing. But, you know, you both have the same back problem. But yeah, you know, swimming is good. My friend is a personal trainer. He said the best exercise. Take a guess swimming walking walking best exercise why is that that's what i said i was like walking what are you crazy low impact well swimming is low impact true swimming is good too but he i guess we're not always in a pool but you're always walking you can just anybody can walk if you don't have access to a pool you can still walk

so get out there and walk people yeah and nothing better than a good walk well that's the thing about this pandemic too it's like people got to get in shape you know oh yeah and who are we the fuck to give health advice we're both drunk on a podcast right now but i'm just saying you know hell yeah walk a little get you know take care of yourself we don't we don't want you guys dying out there i know i mean fat is the biggest covid killer but it's like we got to do this well how about you lose some weight there uh sloppy jalopy? Get a vaccine so we can fucking tour throughout the winter, please. Yes, yes. Comedy's hot right now.

All right. You got a bit? I feel like we're going long here. Yeah, I got a bit. But, you know, it's an idea. I have a hit. But I need something here. Tell me what you think.

So I have a bit about aliens. It's doing pretty well. I have a bit about, you know, I was listening to this podcast about aliens. Illegal or space? No, space. Okay. What about UFOs and stuff? And one of the things they said was like, you know, if they land here, they're far ahead of us, you know, in terms of their technology.

So we should be worried. Right. But I was thinking about it, you know, aliens, you know, if they land here. What if they land here and they're like five years ahead of us? Because everyone's like they come bearing gifts. What if they're like, yeah, you watch sports on your Internet? Well, yeah, we can make that like, you know, we make that slightly faster. That's all they got.

They're like, we can make your Internet like a little faster. That's that's where we're at. That's funny. We can help. And they're just like, that's it. Like, yeah, that's funny we can help and they're just like that's it like yeah that's what we got we can like if you watch on hulu we can make it like up to like you know regular cable right i like that i like it got a pretty good i got a pretty good laugh at uh you know in long island

yeah like we know how to really make you we know how uh to stop baldness that's it that's all you got like well yeah you guys can't do that fuck Fuck you. We got a good ADD pill. Yes. Do you guys have a depression problem? We got like Zoloft 2.0. Yeah. It's not a cure. It's another treatment.

I like that. I like that a lot. That's good. Have you guys heard about CBD? We're like, yes. We know what they're like. All right. All right.

Never mind. Just some of the shit they give us. Right. Like, you guys do wet wipes yet? Yeah, we got wet wipes. Oh, shit. We thought we had you on that one. Do you wipe your ass with those? Nah, I right, never mind. It's just some of the shit they give us. Right. You guys do wet wipes yet? Yeah, we got wet wipes. Oh, shit, we thought we had you on that one. Do you wipe your ass with those? Nah, I can't do it.

Why not? I don't know. I don't feel like I deserve it. Really? I never could buy a wet wipe. I get the roll, I move on with my life. It's an insane notion to have just a dry paper towel wiping your ass, but I'm too deep in. If you buy a new place place would you get a bidet

yes really i would get a bidet because bidets used to be like you know oh elvis has a bidet you know but now it's like everybody's got a bidet i go to open microsoft they got a bidet really oh yeah it's like a 200 who's open mic i'm telling you. You buy it, and you stick it on the seat of your toilet, and you hook up two pipes, you're done. Do you like it? It's great. Yeah. And I've had some rough stuff in the back door. Really?

Well, we've all had a few skid marks, let's be honest. Let's be real, yeah. Yeah. I definitely had, yeah yeah i've definitely had i mean look man i was downing pepto like my job yesterday i had to leave that i literally had to leave the house for pepto that was brother was like you went on like an aa rant like look man i was having a tough week i did crack once i blew a guy but you're talking about pepto it was my ass well so it is but But yeah, yeah.

I mean, bidet will, I think a bidet will be standard in 10 years in a house. Yeah, they're kind of nice, right? Yeah, oh yeah. You know how a lot of houses you go, like they already have filtered water. Don't you think homophobia is slowing down the movement on that? Ah, maybe. Which it makes no sense. You'll stick a finger in your ass, but you won't take some water.

Yeah, and it's hygiene. It has nothing some water. Yeah. And it's hygiene. It has nothing to do with sex. And it feels good. It is hygiene. And guess what? It's probably spreading much less bacteria and bullshit to your partner. I mean. I'm all for the bidet.

If we knew. You know, they always do that test every 100 years or every 50 years. Hey, if you knew what was on this subway pole, you know, it's semen, it's feces, it's saliva, it's all this shit. If you knew what was in your underwear, I think you would vomit uncontrollably for three hours. Is that a good time to give our plug to this week's sponsor? Yes, Sheath Underwear, folks. Wearing it right now.

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A fucking nerd name. It's a great... Never name your kid Melvin. No, bad name, bad name. That's a rough one. That kid's getting fucked up. If that kid doesn't get the shit kicked out of him, then he has just become such... He's surpassed expectation oh yeah

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Yeah, I got a Sandy Hook. No, wait. Sandy Dick shit. Sandy Hook. What the fuck, Mark? This is a plug, man. Sorry. This guy was in the Iraq War, by the way.

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let them support your balls. They really are great. I wear them every day. I don't even go. I see the other underwear in the drawer and I don't even touch them. I'll say this too. I have other underwear and my girlfriend is bummed when I'm not wearing sheath. She thinks this just looks good. I think

it's got like a classy look. It does. And it's got a good fit. And she's like, well, these feel nice. Why wouldn't you want to wear these? So literally, we got the laundry yesterday, and she's like, you should always be wearing these. They're good underwear.

That is from a fucking lady, guys. If you're Melvin out there, get some sheath underwear. A lady might be fucking intrigued. Yeah, yeah, they look good. They look like you made an attempt. Like you made an effort. You look like you're kind of, you just rocked this and you got no shirt on, no pants. You look like a CEO in undies.

Yeah, that's good. I bet this is what Epstein rocked. Ah, well, easy. That doesn't help the brand, actually. All right. I took it too far. But he was a millionaire. That was right.

So I was just going for the money thing. Yeah. He did some did some other bad stuff too that was a horrible joke i riffed on stage i go hey look everybody's mad at bezos for going to space i'm like look at least he's a billionaire who did good shit well i did a really similar bit this weekend that's fucking hilarious i'm sure mine punchline is worse than yours it was super cheesy but it killed i said uh look epstein gets a million dollars like i want to fuck a 14 year old in the ass and jeff bezos gets a billion dollars like i just want to go to uranus killed killed i'll never do it again but it was a riff and it just that's good it leveled because i did the thing about bill clinton it wouldn't have been on the on you know it's a better

mission because bill clinton wasn't on it ah there you go that was my angle yeah yeah because lolita or whatever yeah yeah that was my angle on the on the on the line yeah who wasn't on that fight like chelsea handler they said was on that i heard that yeah it's like who was it on that fucking plane yeah dear white people chelsea privilege we never talk about like just pretty privilege oh it's the number one yeah Dear white people. Chelsea privilege. We never talk about just pretty privilege. Oh, it's the number one. Good looking is the number one. I'd rather be a hot black guy than an ugly white guy. For sure.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Good looking is number one. Good looking's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I treat good looking people better. I've noticed. I caught myself doing it.

What do you do? You're just like, oh, hey hey how are you dan's here if dan was a a hideous guy with one tooth and an eye patch i'd be like hit the bricks this dude is pulling so many numbers while he's bartending it's not it's crazy there were good comments like dan's cute he's cute and you're like he's just tall come on if that guy was five one you wouldn't be batting an eye. But tall is good. Dan, definitely, he would fuck shit up, though, I think. Like, if we were at war, you and I would be dead in a second, and Dan would be fucking still, like... I know.

He'd be shooting motherfuckers dead. I could see you with a bazooka on your shoulder, like, go, go, I gotcha, you know, with a backpack on and, like, all that shit. Even if this was a war with a bayonet, he'd be stabbing dudes, we'd be fucking laying down down just dead, long dead. He'd be carrying the team here. I could see that. Yeah.

You got to put your troop on your shoulder and keep running vibes. That's like my whole name. Daniel Victor Shurlev, reporter for duty. What's your ethnic background? I'm Russian. Hell yeah, dude. Aren't you Russian? I'm like a Sephardic Jew, so Eastern European. your ethnic background? I'm Russian. Oh, so is he. Hell yeah, dude. Aren't you Russian? I'm like a Sephardic Jew, so Eastern European.

Damn. But I've got some Russian. If we're doing 23 and me, I've got some Russian. All right, all right. Well. Some Russian DNA in there. Don't worry. I carry both of you guys on my back.

It's all good. Yeah. Dude, the Russians are the baddest motherfuckers. Oh, scariest guys. No one likes the Russians. Nobody. Like, I don't know, Khabib. Is that Russian?

I don't know what you would call that. Khabib is Russian? He's in that area. He's in that wheelhouse. No, he's, I believe he's a Kazakh. He's like from the southern satellite. Oh, okay. Wasn't Battle of the Bulge like...

And that's like a big problem. They don't like to be called Russians. Oh, shit. Sorry, Khabib. Don't hurt me. He did not strike me as Russian. But uh matt battle of bulge it was it was that the one where the russians just lost like fucking everyone and they were is that am i right on this one where they just would not give in it was like it was that was like that's just not being tough

that's like russians are a combination of tough as shit but also the most stubborn human being oh yeah and they they got nothing to lose they're like let's go all in i'll die on this hill i think that was uh uh you remember that movie uh enemy at the gates yes yeah good that's that's that's that's that movie like they were just like listen like you go in front you get a gun and then the guy behind you gets just like the clip so when the guy in front of you dies, you take his gun and you put your clip in and you keep going. They just threw bodies in until they overwhelmed them.

Rachel Weisz, man. She was a hot lady. Oh, so hot. Hot lady. How about... Getting plowed by Daniel Craig. In real life? Yeah, they date.

You should have said they date. Well, they're married. I think they're together. I think they're married. I think they're married. Right? I think they're together i think they're married i think they're married right i think they're together they she's great i love rachel vice oh yeah and uh that movie man i remember we saw in a school trip for some reason i don't know why we saw like a school trip but they're like this is a history movie and right when they bust out that scene where she's jerking off jude law i was like yes yes that was exciting as a kid yeah oh anytime i went and saw species with my friend and his mom

and i'm like oh it's a sci-fi movie it'll be fun and the whole thing is just natasha henchman's fucking dudes and then killing him i'm like this is unbelievable she's got a huge tit she's hot as hell oh my god pull up a photo natasha i mean is there a hotter woman on the planet than her she was hot oh my god that movie looked like a steaming pile of it was horse shit michael madsen's and it's a pile of dog shit on wheels man was yeah michael madsen on jim and sam when he's just like yeah holy shit oh come on mean, that's like made in a lab type shit. Nude. Michael Madsen was like talking at Norton and Sam Roberts

and he was like, just talking about like hitting a woman. And he was like, oh, come on, you've hit a woman. They're like, no, we most certainly have. Wow. Come on, we're eating here. Trying to perform.

Showed his tit. But he was like, you've hit a woman. They were like, no, of course we haven't. He's like, oh, come on, we're eating here. Trying to perform. Showed his tit. But he was like, you've hit a woman. And they were like, no, of course we haven't. He's like, oh, come on. And they were just like, no, we haven't done it. He's like, yeah, okay. He wouldn't take that. And we're like.

That's great. That's pretty standard, I think. I mean, that's great because that's what you want when you interview Michael Madsen. You want all of that. And he delivers. A little, for sure. I mean, I don't want anybody to hit a woman, but I'm saying

if you're going to interview a guy... He's famous for cutting a guy's ear off in a movie, right? Yeah, which he improvised. That'd be a hell of a prosthetic. Well, we should tell everyone make sure to sign up for the Patreon at patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. Email us at

we might be drunk pod dot com. We might be drunk at Gmail. we might be drunk pod email. So we might be drunk pod.com. We might be drunk at Gmail. Wait, what is it? We might be drunk pod at Gmail. Sorry. I've had a few. Yeah.

We might be drunk pod at gmail.com. Oh yeah. Follow our socials. You know, we got Mark and myself on all the same bullshit. They got, we might beunk on Instagram. Yep.

Or is it We Might Be Drunk Pod? That's a good question. Type it. We Might Be Drunk. You'll find it on Instagram. Come on. We got it. Give it a go.

See us on the road. I'm in Kansas City, Missouri this weekend, then Portland, Oregon. Nice. Then Royal Oak, Michigan, Boston, Massachusetts, Atlanta, Georgia, Millersville, Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, Austin, Texas, the Moon Tower. I got great weekends coming up. Great stuff. You did your penance with Long Island. I had a great time despite the drunks.

Okay. You know, a lot of great weekends coming up after that. Indianapolis, blah, blah, blah. Sam Earl dot com slash shows. Nice. Yeah,, blah, blah, blah. SamRoyal.com slash shows. Nice. Yeah, I'm all over the road. I'm in Nashville. I'm nipping at your heels here.

I'm in Nashville. I'm in Appleton. I'm in Brea. I'm at the Buckhead Theater in Atlanta. We're going to try a theater. That's exciting. It's a ways away, but please, for the love of God, buy a ticket because I'm terrified. What else is going on?

I got Arlington Improv in Texas. I'm always in Texas. Albany Funny Bone, West Palm Beach, Providence, Rhode Island, Madison, Wisconsin, and Rochester, New York. Tons of stuff. We got specials on YouTube. Rooftop, I got this. Out to lunch. Tell a friend. Get on the Patreon.

And we got a whiskey coming at some point. Yeah. Chris, get on it. Fat Cat. It's gonna be great. I can't wait to try it. Oh, yeah. It's a rye. So get a rye thing cooking in your head already. Start brewing. We got some recipes ready for right now. Hell yeah. You wanna give out your plug or social?

Hey, listen. I'm Dan. I'm at 51st and 8th at Dolly Varden with a V. Okay. If you guys want to come by and try some drinks that Mark and Sam have had here, come on by. There you go. And Gotham Studios in New York City, 38th Street. We love it here. I mean, this studio is looking insane.

We got the Patrick Ewing thing up. We got Dangerfield. We got Pauly Walnuts. Yeah. I mean, this is madness. Keep sending us stuff at gotham studios we'll drink it yeah we'll uh yeah we'll put on the wall yeah oh we got should we shout out the uh the stuff we got sent we got sent the uh pickles and stuff right oh yeah where those pickles go

some guy uh three dogs pickles.com sent us a bunch of stuff. Stay pickly. We got onions. We got pineapple. It looks incredible. I love pickled anything. Oh, yeah. Same. You can pickle a dick and I'll eat it. If you guys like this, we're going to use this as garnish for next episode. Please do. Do your magic

there, Fanny. We got a recipe sheet coming for that as well. I love it. Great. And keep listening. Tell your friends. I'm loving doing this. Make sure you subscribe to this new YouTube channel.

Leave us a nice rating on the podcast app, iTunes, wherever you're listening. And keep listening. Hell yeah.