We Might Be Drunk - Ep 36: The Last Word

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

Mark Normand and Sam Morril are definitely drunk towards the end of this episode. This episode is brought to you by Honey. Visit JoinHoney.com/Drunk to save and support the pod! SamMorril.com MarkNormandComedy.com [e-mail] Thanks to Dan @sugarloaf2192 on IG Thanks to Matt at Gotham Podcast Studio Mail stuff to us: Gotham Podcast Studio 39 West 38th Street, 10th Fl New York NY 10018 Join us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Live Podcast for Patrons coming soon, almost at our monthly goal!

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Yo! Hey, hey! Here we are. We're starting it up. We might be drunk. Good to be back. I haven't seen you all week. It's been a week.

Yeah, yeah. We both went to our respected gigs and then come back. And you did it. You taped the special. Oh, yeah. Forgot all about it. Tell me about it. It was great.

COVID guidelines. You taped the special. Corporate guidelines are tough for that. You know Sam Black? Yeah, yeah. The legendary audience warm-up or what do you call cedar she's an audience coordinator she's a legend because one time she's so intimidating she's our best friend is comics because she makes sure the house is packed yep she makes sure people know how to behave in the show yeah but one time apparently i think it was during during an Anthony Jeselnik tape, and it was someone, might have been Jeselnik, they were so scared of her

that they peed their pants. Someone in the crowd. Shut up. Yeah, they were like, I don't wanna mess up the taping, and she gets people so in line. Wow. That someone pissed themself. Oh my God.

So she's my gal, she's on our side. Jeez Louise, that's wild. Yeah. Yeah, she is brassy, She is a brassy broad. She's a real New Yorker. Is she? Yeah. I brought it up.

She's from, like, the Cayman Islands and the Caspian Sea. Yeah, but she's been here forever, though. She's been here forever, yeah. She banged, what's his face? Oh! What are you talking about? She can't be saying this. No, it's a joke.

What's that guy's name? Walk on the Wild Side? Lou Reed. Lou Reed! Who's more of a New Yorker than Lou Reed? I thought you were giving real gossy. No, no, no, no. I'm just saying, she seems like somebody who's like, a new yorker i thought you were giving real goss no no no no i'm just saying she seems like somebody who's like i was hanging out with warhol and all

them you know in the factory yes but uh either way i got to i love her she's so cool she's got so many stories and we got to chatting and uh she said this might be the last because delta was kicking up so it might be the last unmasked performance wow in a while and I was like Jesus she like we just slid right in we're lucky to be here I was like oh man fully read said to her there we go there was one lady's whole job was to go to tell you to pick up the mask that was her whole job so what do you mean they pick up the mask for like if you're backstage and the mask is down here she go go beep beep beep wow to you or to everybody everybody everybody staff crew talent your sucks i know i hate it i thought we were coming out of it but everything else aside from code was gangbusters uh without a hitch

i saw taylor we hung out brian simpson and i are our fast friends we made love he's great i know well ain't lee i don't know if that counts but he's a great guy and a great comic yeah i i've seen the clips he did a clip on uh on david spade show back in the day i think i sent it to you yeah you did yeah it was killer killer about how racism is like pennies that's there, but no one talks about it or something. I'm butchering it, but smart, smart stuff. But yeah, great. I think we got it in the can on the first one, and then the second one I got loosey-goosey to the point where my reps were like,

easy out there, Tiger. What do you mean? Well, I had a thing in my throat, and I did a whole like, oh, I did the semen. I swallowed a load. It was a huge load. He was Samoan. I went off on like a tangent about the semen you know i swallowed a load it was a huge load he was samoan i went off on a like a tangent about the jizz and it was killing so they were the crew was like well you got to keep that in i'm like i don't know it's filthy they're like keep that we

were dying so that's always nice but it's fun i know it is crazy that you used to be so nervous yes things and they're just like I got jizz in my throat and people like Jesus I know I know yeah but it's cool seeing like we got you know fucking podcast fans in the front row people are going nuts you had your people there oh yeah the drunks were there the gays were there it was uh it was a hot night and there was a couple people who never heard me obviously and they were like yeah I went dark. I went all in. I heard you went dark. So, yeah, give me an example.

You know, like I just hit all the hot button anal, the trans, the BLM, the everything, you know. I went all in. Men, women, gay, black, white. Did you get pushback? No, not really. I couldn't say retard. That was the big push. But then Brian Simpson said it, but he threw it in with the N-word, so it's kind of in the mix.

Oh, that's smart. Yeah. It's like putting pill on food right there. Yes, exactly. And when I said the N-word, it was tough to swallow as well. But what are we drinking? Today we're drinking the last word, which is a classic. I think it was the N-word. It's a classic cocktail from Detroit, from the 20s. Oh, wow.

It's nice. It's from Detroit in the 20s? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, what's the history? So the history is that it was at the Detroit Athletic Club that someone made it up, and it was made from their own like bathtub gin whoa it was like you know the gin was really rough so they have to dress it up with a lot of

things Wow so this is once again like the paper plane like all equal parts but it's three-quarter ounces ounces I know I neglected to mention that last time but but it's three-quarter ounces gin. So you can take it on a plane. Sorry? You can take it on a plane. Exactly. It's three-quarter ounces gin, three-quarter ounces green chartreuse, and three-quarter ounce lime and Luxardo Maraschino. Damn! I see you got your math checked out, by the way. The comments kicked you right in the fanny on the algebra there.

On the fractions, they really gave them the business. Did they? Yeah, they're like three-fourths you right in the fanny on the algebra there. On the fractions. They really gave them the business. Did they? Yeah, they're like 3-4, 3-4, 3-4. This guy knows how to add, huh? Well, it just sounds... They're cruel out there. Well, we appreciate it. You know who loves bathtub gin? Whitney Houston. Alright! She died in the tub.

I was on the road the night she died. I remember the night she died. I remember the night she died. I was in Knoxville, Tennessee, opening for a comedian who passed away recently, Spanky Brown. What? Do you know Spanky Brown? No. That sounds made up.

No. I remember that night because it was the night Jeremy Lin dropped 38 on the Lakers. Linsanity. So I remember, this is the tweet I remember from that night. I forgot who said it, but someone tweets, holy shit, Whitney Houston died. That's linsane. It's like, Jesus Christ, Twitter, man.

Man, did he have a run. The city was abuzz with linsanity. Speaking of buzz. Cheers. Cheers. Thank you, Beer Jew. My doctor, he told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror, all right?

He ran my blood. He opened up a tab, I'll tell you. Now, gin might be the least desirable alcohol. You think so? I think so. It depends. I know people who drink gin and soda, drink gin straight. I think Ricky Velez drinks gin.

Gin tonic. Damn, that is amazing that's a good drink oh that's a summertime drink right there yeah dude oh boy oh boy that is delightful this is good man danny boy it's called what is it called it's called the last word the last word i like it yeah that's good stuff yeah i was in Kentucky all weekend. This feels like a Kentucky on your front porch. Yes. I'll tell you, man, that city. I had Ronan Hirshberg opening for me.

If you don't know his comedy, check him out. R-A-N-A-N Hirshberg. Dude. Killer. Dude, he's got high energy and great jokes. He's a hard follow. He's loud. He's brash.

He's funny. He's smart. And he's high energy. Like, he like he's sweating up there oh he got off one time one night and he was sweaty and i was like oh you work way harder than i do up here i'm literally leaning against the stool i respect that i mean for sure it's it's another testament this is horrible timing but uh i met him when he was boozing like 20 years ago and uh he was a son of an onion. Like he was an old drunken sailor. Like he was cantankerous. Yeah.

Couldn't get that out. He was. Yeah. And I remember that's where I met him in Cincinnati. Go Bananas. And he had an edge. He definitely had an edge. He was smoking cigarettes.

He was boozing. He was like an angry little poet. Yeah, he was. He was. He was like a little tiny jewish hemingway and uh but it's still funny back then then you cut off the sauce and now he's just a just a happier dude happier dude funny as hell killing i feel like he's got some credits and uh he's at the cellar he's he's gonna be big i think he opens for whitney every now and then. Yeah. You, Whitney, the other guy. Not bad. This is unreal, Dan.

This is good. Killer. You're a really cockologist. Top notch. This is delightful. I'll tell you, it's like one of those kills. He would kill so hard in front of me, I would have to open with local stuff just to get them. That's the move.

Because I don't have that energy. I'm not going to yell. I'm not going to. So I had some Kentucky bits from the last time I was there. My opener was because I went to the racetrack. You know? Yeah. So I was the worst dressed person there.

I was the only one who didn't look like a villain in Django Unchained. So I opened with that. That saved me a little. Just some horse racing jokes. Yep. I got them. But damn. I was sweating for the first couple minutes for sure.

Yeah. I wasn't moving. I was sweating because I first couple minutes for sure yeah i wasn't moving i was sweating because i was like shit he's he killed he kills but it's a testament to the to the writing because you have to come up there and you're not going to tap dance it's just going to be on the basis of the jokes well he's got the jokes and the energy that's true that's true he's going to pass all of us let's be honest and he's not drinking uh We're ruined. Yeah. This is, the problem with this, Dan, is it's too good. You got to suck them down like lemonade. It's real good.

Only three quarter rounds, Jen, so you'll be all right. Three quarter rounds. If only Whitney was in a tub that late, I'll tell you. I'll tell you, good teacher really seems to care. I can't, that's my new drinking. I have like Tourette's with Rodney now. Rodney Retz. Can you, what do you think about the guys who wake up in the bathtub with the ice?

You know, they're like, shit, my spleen is gone. You ever hear about that? Is that a myth? No, I think it's their kidney, not their spleen. Oh, the kidney, that's right. Well, they, I mean, it's funny. The ice bath, it's either that or you had a great workout. Yeah, you're like an athlete.

You're either Joe Rogan or you just got left in a Motel 6. Right, you got Shanghai'd or whatever. I did a gig in Portland once and I took the Shanghai tour. You know what that is? Where? Shanghai is where you're at a bar, somebody knocks you out with a blunt object, and you wake up on a fishing boat in the middle of Tahiti or whatever, and they go,

yeah, get to work. Shanghai. You got Shanghai? I didn't. I'm just saying I did the Shanghai tour where they tell you what happened. Damn. That was a big, because Portland's a big port town, obviously. And they throw you on a fishing boat with a bunch of like Mongolians and you're, that's it. I'm going to be there soon. Oh, well, keep a head on a swivel. You've been knocked out of the bar before. I have. I wasn't knocked out. I was just hit twice, so I've been hit in the face in a bar. Damn. Yeah. Thank God with a Jew helmet fro. The Jew fro saved me. Yeah. It's padding. It is padding. I had longer hair. It was one of the things where I needed a haircut and I just didn't get a haircut. And I had that my mom was so mad at me because she followed me on Instagram and I was posting like insta stories with the cops making jokes about it i still shards of glass in my hair but i was like what am i gonna do i'm like i need i can plug these gigs i'll do so i was doing it and the cops are rolling their eyes but i'm like hey you better get this guy officer and they're just like all right and my mom's like what she called me what the fuck happened i'm like i'm sorry damn well i know about that was vermont yeah what was the other one the other one i was uh i do it's part of this white knight story when i do that but it's

just i gloss over quickly but i was uh i was in a bar in seattle with uh a comic andrew rivers oh he's funny i like yeah yeah he's funny and he and we were together after shows years ago and this woman just kept insulting me to the point where i just finally like i was talking Oh, he's funny. Whoa! Pretty good. He's a big guy, too. And I was like, it was one of those things where he got a pretty clean shot at me and he's a big dude and I was okay and I was kind of like,

whoa. That's it? Maybe you got a good jaw. I don't think I do. I think I got lucky. Like, maybe, I don't know what happened, but...

Where'd he get you? The cheek? Like, right here. He got me pretty good and I remember I did this and I did the whole, like, I did the... And I was like, whoa. like whoa that was pretty cool yeah and then uh the bartender handed me i got broken up pretty quickly some guy stepped in oh wow and i was drunk so i just like was like walking close

but uh broken up yeah it is kind of badass to get hit and not go down that is cool about that you hit me and i just did that shit and uh i bet she brings that up in five years she's like you're not a real man he's like fuck you i always stand up he's like remember when you hit that jew he didn't fall he's like fuck you you know that haunts me you couldn't even knock down that lanky pussy you're not a man it's like your bitch get out i bet you got a good tail going Like, you got hit with a bottle Was it a glass or a bottle? A pint glass A pint glass

So his hand was pretty badly cut too Because he just did Right over the head Oh, so you got hit with a pint glass You didn't go down Or you didn't get knocked out I was in shock, for sure Because you just don't expect people to do that

I know, but you got a And I can't fight You got a good rep going so far Like, that's two major hits And you stayed strong I'm telling you, we got a good rep going so far. That's two major hits, and you stayed strong. I'm telling you, we got a legacy happening here. I really stayed strong. I just didn't collapse.

You didn't collapse. But I think most people get it. I got hit with a bottle once in college. This guy hit me at a fraternity party. And it shattered so good that it just didn't hurt that bad. It just shattered immediately. If it shatters, it's better. Yeah, you look good.

You look good. So I went, pshh. And I had blood. I was like, Jesus. And the blood went like that, like Apocalypse Now. Damn. And I was like, who wants some? And they were like, no, no, no.

But I was terrified. But I had the blood coming down. So everybody was like, ah, you're good, man. You're good. He's crazy, dude. Yeah, he's fucking crazy. Don't mess with that guy. He became a legend that night.

Yeah, yeah. It was a foam party. A foam party. You remember those? No Yeah, yeah. It was a foam party. A foam party. You remember those? No. Oh, maybe that was a Southern thing. You'd rent a warehouse and you'd buy a big foam machine. It would just blow bubbles.

And then like women would go in with bikinis and every guy had a boner. And it was just like this bubble fuck fest. It was amazing. I wonder, remember ice luges? Oh, yeah. I wonder if those are dead because of COVID. Oh, that's right i love those yeah they get so cold and whenever you see one you're like this is gonna be a rager you're

drinking poison you're drinking poison but if it's on ice it feels classy yeah you know it's that big block somebody to buy that thing and then you gotta like you're like well the clock's ticking that thing's gonna melt so we got to do a lot of shots hell yeah yeah those are class yeah man the fights thing i didn't even do shit the vermont one i did nothing honestly like the guy was just talking shit and i made like a sarcastic comment back i took a fucking glass to the head i was just carmen lagala uh i really really it's like you really realize who you are as you get older and you're like i'm not a fighter but i'll get a good line in before that's all that's more important i always think of that Ron White bit, you know that joke where the tater salad bit?

Oh, that's a great joke. One of my favorite lines, he goes, they arrested me for being drunk in public. I was in a bar. They threw me into public. Arrest them. That's a great bit. Man, he's good. He has some stories where you're like, that is, like that whole album, Drunk in Public, is like, it's another level.

It's killer. And just the delivery is so different. It's so old school with the cigar. He has the cigar into his contract. So he can, even if it's a non-smoking building, he's allowed to smoke. Damn. Yeah, and he just holds a, I guess, tequila or whiskey and a cigar and just stands there and delivers. That takes years to perfect.

People don't realize that. Like, that guy is like a real orator yeah man i remember that book i kill there's road stories about all those comics and his was the guy gave him a bad review and he just sent the guy a little pint of whiskey and a razor blade and the note just said just in case you're ever in the mood. You ever heard that Fitzsimmons story? He got booked to do a college in Iowa or some Idaho, some like super hillbilly kind of corn town. And they said, be clean. He goes filthy, bombs. Or no, he kills because he goes filthy.

They said that was an immoral act. You should be ashamed of yourself. It was against God. They whole letter they didn't pay him whoa and then like years later he won an emmy or something i'm butchering the story but he won an emmy or something big and he had the thing framed and sent it back to him oh no he told this that he read that thing on stage at the emmys the letter or something oh but pull it up, man. Either way, he went. Either way, he sent it back to him and was like, hey, I was still immoral. I don't know. It was great.

I love when the good guy wins. It's all bullshit. Like when you're doing a corporate gig and they're like, that joke's offensive. And you're like, I did it on Fallon. I know. I know. I did it on the squeakiest clean late night show. I know.

Yeah. I had a good moment the other day. I was doing a set. And I had the lady in the front row going, ah you know like that thing you know like that's that's inappropriate ah and i i go i'm sorry i like dark humor she goes i like dark humor too and i was like i don't think you do and then i i said i'll prove it and i did a holocaust joke and she went ah and i went see and i got a huge laugh but it's just like they all say I have a great sense. No one's ever said I don't have a great sense of humor.

No one has ever said that in history. No one's ever said it. Everyone thinks they have a good sense of humor. Everyone thinks they do. We're professionals. Mother Teresa, Gandhi, everybody. She famously liked the good age joke, though. Yeah.

That's true. I heard she was wild in the sack, by the way. But, yeah. So it just annoyed me because I was like, you don't. You say you want the cool credit for liking dark humor, but you don't. You think you're fun, but no one in your life is telling you. Not a lot of people have someone in their life who just is like, hey, you're not fun. Yeah.

That's a good friend right there. That is. But I mean. But you lose a lot of friends when you're not fun. Exactly. So you don't have a really good friend to tell you. Right. They usually have friends who go, no, you're great.

Screw that guy. He's a dick. Because that takes less energy. Exactly. It takes a lot of energy to be like, hey, we need to talk. What is it? You're like, you just are just, you're dreadful. Yeah.

You're terrible. No one wants to have that talk. That's like the thing where. I couldn't do that. It'd be tough. It would be tough. Yeah. You're terrible. No one wants to have that talk. That's like the thing where- I couldn't do that. It'd be tough. It would be tough. I couldn't do it. You can do a side thing like you're bad at this, but to just go you to the core are shitty.

You don't understand humor or have concepts. You don't have no concept of what is funny. You can't just say that to a person. Right. You can't. But there are people that don't understand jokes. That's true. Some of them at our shows every weekend.

Yeah, yeah. And they think they do, and they think they're an expert. But you know, at the same time, it's been pretty good lately on the road. That's true. Like man, that club Kentucky, Lexi Comedy off Broadway, that's a magical room. Magic room, a lot of history, and you just,

I mean I feel like an asshole, because you hear Kentucky and you go, tooth toothless uh hayseed straw hat guy you know sipping out of a moonshine out of a barrel with three x's on it but it's great it's a nice it's a nice it beautiful rolling green hills and the horses and the whiskey i love it yeah kentucky freaking rules man i love it george clooney from kentucky is he muhammad ali and diane sawyer damn i think i'm right there peters give that a goog it'd be great if you just made up all three uh that would be impressive i went on uh jim and sam the other day by the way they're back in studio it's fun i gotta go back i was supposed to go on tomorrow but i'm too fucking i have too

much this week it's it's it's early i'll give you that it's so early yeah but they buy you breakfast now yeah but uh you're so easy like you can't afford a fucking egg salmon i know i know cheap bastard there was no food in my house as a child it's it triggers me i hear free breakfast i'll go to kuwait um but either way we did this whole rant about we got no me and jim got into this big fight about music he's like i love this band i was like white zombie get out of here they he likes he likes like hardcore he likes metal and dark and edge and i was like what about this band and i'd be like van morris and he's like uh and then he went to you like dave matthews i was like i do and then he went off on it like Dave Matthews? I was like, I do. And then he went off on it

and then it was like this great back and forth, fighting, fighting, yelling. You like Dave Matthews? Well, then the mics cut off and he's like, that was great radio. I was like, yeah, I don't like Dave Matthews. I was just doing that. And he's like, oh, great.

And we high-fived and that was it. Yeah, you just try to be entertaining, you know? Yeah. Then I got a bunch of messages like, thanks for defending DMB. Oh, wow. You're a fucking martyr to these people now. God damn it. Yeah, man. entertaining you know yeah then i got a bunch of messages like thanks for defending dmb oh wow you're a fucking martyr to these people yeah god damn it yeah man no there's certain rooms though you just like you do feel you feel connected it's crazy like there's a magic you talk about that like

yeah richard belzer did blow in this room you just sense that i don't know but you sense that shit yeah oh yeah i know we've made that comment before but um wait what give me another weird band you like well no but i'm with you on the room thing you can feel that like zany's in chicago you're like oh i can feel that jay leno was in here with a shitty blazer in 84 you know um this is fucking good oh Oh, yeah. It's so good, I'm trying to stop myself. It's tough. Do you have a peeve? I do, actually. Hold on. I got a bunch.

Give me one. Give me one, because I don't want to take up- All right, well, here's one. And I know I've made this to some degree before, but we've done a lot of episodes, and we've done Patreon, so I don't know which one I did it on, but this is- I have two. First one, I'm on a flight yesterday. Uh-huh. Guy sitting next to me is on a FaceTime call. We're on the first one i'm on a flight yesterday uh guy sitting next to me

is on a facetime call we're on the ground he's on a facetime call i know no headphones oh so i'm just like listening to his buddy and here's the other thing if you're if you're in a public enclosed space and you're not doing the public enclosed space voice you're a monster yeah hey yeah i'm on i'm on a flight if you're just like yeah so i told him suck my dick yo you're just doing that voice on a fucking flight there's other people around what are you crazy because here's the way to know if you're doing something dickish imagine everyone else on the plane doing it it would be chaos it would be chaos so but for some reason you can do it because we're all behaving we're all decent human beings that's the test it was crazy and then here's how weak i am by

the way we're in delta comfort and uh he schmoozes this guy is reckless he schmoozes the flight attendant into giving us the first class snack boxes and then i got one too so he but that so then i'm like wow he's all right then we land like, wow, he's all right. Then we land. The second we land, he's on FaceTime with no headphones again. I'm like, fucking cocksucker. Fuck you. I bookended it with FaceTime. Yeah, that is a problem.

Yeah. I hate, and just for some reason FaceTime, it's as brutal as it is, it's worse than a call. Even a call, I'm like, all right, this guy's a douche. But a FaceTime, it's like. It's a phone call on speaker. Yes. And also, I'm seeing your friend. this is like a party you're throwing yourself right yeah you're doing a podcast he also took his shoes off on the flight ah that's a bold move feet socks all right all right i don't you know socks are stinky too though i know everyone goes true yeah to me it's very weird with like i know you're like my feet swell up when I fly. Cool. Still don't want to see them.

Yeah. Yeah. And also, my socks. If it's a woman, I'm okay with it. I'm okay with a woman's sock. Women go shoeless more. Women do the sandals more. Open toe.

Men have gross feet. They really do. It's a hoof. It is a hoof. It's bad. It's sweaty. You belong in a fucking stable with a jockey on your back. You're disgusting.

The knuckle hair, like the toe hair. My toenails are yellow like the sun. I have talons. I could catch salmon with these fucking feet. They're disgusting. I'm with you. It looks like a velociraptor. I'm trying to come in.

It's bad news. But yeah, men's feet are horrific. I'm not one of these guys like, no man should ever wear flip flops. I get it. You want to wear a flip flop. But some people can't even stand the sight of a man's feet. I'm going to go ahead and say no man should ever wear flip-flops I get it you want to wear a flip-flop But some people can't even stand the sight of a man's feet I'm gonna go ahead and say no man should ever wear flip-flops If you're going to like a steam room

A pool, a sauna I'll give it to you, if you're going out in public It's a bold fucking move It's very bold, it is bold What about on the subway? I don't want any of that shit in this Look the subway is tough because it's like what what, am I going to notice your fucking feet when a guy's dick is out to my left?

Like, it's tough. And also, here's my subway protocol. The one that bothers me more than anything, number one is obviously the toenail clippings. Oh, get out of here. You're a psycho. You deserve the death penalty. Yeah, that's horrific.

I think you should be shot in the face with a, like, Taliban style. Yes. Then second, I think they behead, I guess, whatever. But I think a B foot. The stinky food on the subway. That's a problem. That's a problem, dude.

Yeah. Stinky food on a plane is bad, too, because it's sealed. At least the subway opens every now and then. True. Yeah. It's all bad. It's all bad. It's all bullshit. it's bad for you.

George Carlin. What do you got for a thief? This one's kind of specific. I like the specific ones. Okay. You went specific last week and I was into it. All right. And this is another lady problem.

Sorry, gals. Labia time. But that's a horrible kid show. We need a segment called the labia time but that's a horrible kid show we need it we need a segment called labia corner so uh this is i think i think only specific to my dame is she'll go i gotta go to the post office you want to go and i'm like no i don't want to go to the post why would i that's a chore you're you're doing errands but you you're trying to invite me like it's some kind of fun event quality time yes it's quality time and i'm like no i don't go to the post office or the dmv i don't want to go anywhere with that shit and she's like oh you don't want to hang out with me i'm like uh now here we go now it's a

hangout issue way to spin it there sister she's a spin a spinster, is what she is. She spun. That's a smart women jujitsu move. It's like, oh, you don't want to hang out with me? I'm like, no, I don't want to go to the post office. I'll hang out with you. You want to go to the park? You want to go to the meadow? You want to frolic?

You want to run through the sprinklers? I'm in. I would hit her back with, I'd love to hang out with you. Why don't you go there another day and we'll watch a movie at home? Oh. Put it right back on her. Oh, that's good. What are you going to do now?

That's good. i'd love to hang out take your dick out let's hang out this thing's hanging the cuomo do you see him blame uh being italian on it no that was like the big thing he was like you know that was the whole fox news post was like uh i'm not a pervert i'm italian this is my i'm gonna sell out my whole people. I love when people use their culture. This Uber driver stinks. It's our culture.

Like, all right, well, you still stink. Well, celebrities now, too. You know Jake Gyllenhaal, he's like, ah, we don't need a shower. I saw that. That's a weird one. I kind of dug it. You dig it?

You're not a big shower guy? I think it's bad for you. I don't think it's bad, but I think we do it too much. How often do you shower? Let's see. Four times a week. How often do you sweat, though, like work out? Maybe once.

Okay, so. Twice. Three times a lady. But it's summer, too. Also winter. I'm down to three days a week. Winter, yeah. I think that's acceptable.

How often do you wash your hair? I'm talking like soap versus wash hair, too. I think hair wash is overrated. I think we do it too much. I think it hurts your hair. Yeah. All the water, the shampoo, conditioner, shampoo, conditioner. Rinse, repeat.

That's just the fat cats in Washington telling you what to do. You don't really need to rinse and repeat. Yeah. But I'd say hair wash twice a week wow yeah you got sebum up there you got essential oils yeah i think we wash our hair too much for sure but it's funny when like a celebrity says that shit because you know like you know that he's like he's got something that we don't have oh yeah he's got some shit at home where he's like, yeah, I don't need to shower because I have these creams that are $900 a tube. Right, right.

Exactly. So that's a different story. But I do think we overdo it. Yeah. But, yeah, back to the lady. Yeah. She got me on that one. But I held my ground.

I was like, I do not want to go to the post office when I don't have to. And she was like, all right, fine, whatever. And I think that's the key. You got to uh stand tall there like you getting hit at a bar what is this a different drink or the same this is the same one okay jeez last word let me know anything with campari is good you drink campari alone you want to kill, but you drink it with something, it's amazing. It's kind of like Willem Dafoe. That's a callback.

You pointed to me. I thought you were going to say me for a second. Oh, no. It was your joke. What a... But, yeah, that's my peeve, and I'm sticking to it. Women trying to... Yeah, it is... Just say, like, hey, will you come with me?

Yeah. Don't disguise it as something... Don't try to serve me shit and say it's a sandwich. Right. Exactly. You know what I mean? Exactly. That sounded like a Southern expression.

Don't try to serve me shit and say it's a sandwich. This guy's in Kentucky one weekend. All of a sudden, he's Foghorn Leghorn over here. I don't know. That would be a better show, just a kid's show where he's like, shut the fuck up. Fucking cocksucking rabbit. Who was Foghorn Leghorn again? He was the big rooster in, I think it was Bugs Bunny, and he would be like, yeah, I say, I say, I say,

you got to drink that last word. I'll get the last word. I'll tell you what. My last word is a woman should not have the right to choose. What we do in the afternoon, I mean, of course. Post office, activities as such. Oh, yeah. By the way, Cuomo,

speaking of FaceTime, who had more FaceTime than Cuomo, huh? He loved touching a face. It's such a weird move. Yeah, that's where I'm like, maybe the Italian culture, maybe there is some truth to it, but he also got off on power and shit. Sure, sure. Like that dude. It's funny how much they're like Chris Cuomo advising him,

and I'm like, it's his brother. Like what do you expect? Yeah. Like, yeah, it's fucked up, and yeah, it's not ethical, but you're just kind of like, what's he going to do? Like, oh, my brother's calling me. Ignored. Right, right.

Wouldn't it be shittier if he didn't do that? If he's like, I've got a show. Yeah. That was my angle was they should do a podcast together when Chris never speaks. Dude, it's weird. It's kind of like it's the end of the guy's career probably. I mean, what's he going to gonna do now i yeah i think podcast is the only route or stand-up he can do like a my name is earl type show where he knocks on all

the women's doors and being like let's sit down and talk about it right right yeah there's not much left it's a bummer and they had a his dad had a had a hell of a run powerhouse yeah it was he was like the young killer that you brought in. I mean, it's tough when you're known as the asshole. Right. But I think you can't get too big in America. Like, he was the guy, Cuomo sexual. He won an Emmy.

I mean, every girl was like, Cuomo, I'm into Cuomo. I know. I was like, where is this coming from? Mulaney did a thing about him. Except the girls that he touched. Yeah, that's true. Not every girl. They weren't as vocal until later.

But yeah, like, he got big and then taken down. But I also think it's like there's truth to that where like, you know, obviously people are talking about like maybe he'll swoop in and run instead of Biden. Like there was talk like that. Totally. That's how big he was getting. He should be the president. And now it's like, man, he would be Democratic Trump. That's exactly who he'd be yeah you know

i mean i don't know he definitely you're right he got too big but i think he was just probably hell to work for i think he treated people like shit really i don't you think i don't know anything about him really i mean if you're how many of these aides are gonna like speak out? Yeah. You know? That's the problem is the sheer numbers. It's like, what is it? Up to nine? You know?

Nine, ten women? That's a lot. I think best case scenario, he's a shitty person. Right, right. I think he's gotten kind of gotten his way so long, you know, with dad being so high up. Sure. And then money and the nipple rings.

Don't get me started on the nipple rings. That's fucking weird, man. Yeah. How many politicians have nipple rings? It's got to be just him and FDR. I mean. Wiener had clamps, but I don't think he had the ring. But now what?

We got the new governor. Kothel? Koth? Yeah. What's her name? What's her name? Look it up. Kothel. She's got an interesting her name? Look it up. Kosal.

She's got an interesting last name. I think it might be Polish. I don't know. I can't remember it. I didn't know a governor did anything until Cuomo came on the scene. Thank you. What do you got here? Is this a Negron?

It looks like a classic Negron. Oh, you jealous or what? I am, but this is really good. It's a hell of a last word. Negroni is i would say like top five cocktails ever wow is that is that too bold a statement or what what are your top five cocktails ever on my top five yeah my number one is a really nicely made super super ice cold filthy dirty martini i'm with can we do one of those next episode? 100%. All right, cool.

I'm a vodka guy, though. Me too. All right. Let's do it. What are you, Kettle One, Grey Goo? Honestly, vodka's vodka, as long as it's not like bottom shelf. Okay. But kettle's great.

I like kettles. Clean, nice. I also like potato vodkas. So the Polish potato vodkas, like Chopin, Belvedere, things like that. It's a little insensitive to the Irish with the famine, but I get it. I love it. All right, so that's number one. Give me number two.

Yeah, that's the top five. Number two, Manhattan. That's my number one. Whoa. Absolutely. I'm waiting for colder months for you for the Manhattan. I already got that lined up. And then number three would be like Negroni or old-fashioned old-fashioned is

in the top five for sure interesting okay good list and what else we got i think i got one more and um you know besides that i would do something like uh like something like offbeat like uh you know like a corpse survivor number two is really good what the hell is that well we'll do that later don't worry corpse survivor man is that someone Well, we'll do that later, don't worry. A corpse survivor? Man. Is that someone who gets necrophiliad, but they come back and they're like, he touched me. It's a hangover cocktail that's all booze, but you don't know it's all booze.

Really? Yeah, it's really good. Wow, I'm into it. So I think we do a martini next episode and we do a corpse survivor the episode after that. Is that good? Hell yeah. Deal.

All right. I'm excited. What's that old joke uh my parents ah i don't tell my parents i was a necrophiliac oh i'm gonna butcher it i can never remember a joke hold on let me think of it shit what do you got bad on the name the lady kathy something kathy who hokal oh kathy hokal what What do you got, a Wendy's drive-thru here? Jesus, I can barely hear you. That thing is crackling. Do you work for the MTA, Matt? What the hell was that?

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That's joinhoney.com slash drunk. And get that honey, baby. Yeah! What, uh, so we got, uh, alright, can I give you another peeve? Please. I had an issue with... All right.

So I had an issue with sending my girlfriend. I made a bit of a mistake. So I sent her, I'm sorry, flowers, pro flowers. All right? Oh, I love pro flowers. I don't. Uh-oh. Here we go.

And I'll tell you what. These people, I'll tell you. They're only the go-to because they come up first on Google. Let's be there's 1-800-5-1-800 not the first time they fucked me um but yeah the cuomo's aids god damn you're hot today no no no so then this is what cuomo said to his aids aids So then this is what Cuomo said to his aides. Aides. So what were we saying?

Oh, flowers. Flowers, yeah. So I sent her, I'm sorry, flowers. They don't deliver them. All right? They mess it up. They deliver it, but they're like, no one's in the office. And I'm like, well, you got to make sure that they're that day because she's on the road. That's how I'm sending them. They were like, all like all right absolutely it's going to be there that day they don't send it and it's like the

whole thing where they're like the florist is closed i'm like okay so you got you're admitting that you're like a second hand you know right whatever bullshit up charge middleman company exactly whatever so then um i call the next day and they're like we're definitely gonna come the next day i'm like she's leaving in like a day yeah they don't and it's one of those things where like i it's fucked up because i'm furious but i'm also like i'm set the guy keeps saying i'm sorry and i won't accept it yeah and i'm sending i'm sorry flowers this is a bit it might be yeah but i'm like i'm i'm like he was like he was like i'm sorry i'm sorry i was like, he was like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was like, that's not good enough. I'm like, holy shit, I'm her.

You're like, you got to send me flowers now for your fuck up with the flowers. I've turned into the woman. Yeah. Wow. Well, he keeps fucking up. We never, yeah. I was like, he's me. He's a shithead.

He's a piece of shit. Did she get him? No, we didn't. I know. I got refunded. And see, this, the problem is the lady. sorry, ladies, I'm calling you all one unit. You don't know the hell it is to get flowers. You really don't.

Every guy on the day before Valentine's Day is scrambling, going, they got to get there by this time. This is the building. She works at this office. It's a nightmare. And then they never come on time. You got to redo it, blah, blah, blah. And then they finally get them when it's too late. And they're like, time you gotta redo it blah blah and then then they finally get them when it's too late and they're like thanks and you're like oh i went through hell

it's hot these holidays have an incredibly high they give women incredibly high expectations and they're not that high look we should be able to meet them at the same time like if you don't meet them you're just in the dog house yeah exactly exactly and you're relying on this dude who doesn't know you or give a fuck about you. This dude's in fucking Mumbai. Exactly. He gives a fuck about me? Yeah. He's like, I'd kill for a woman. You know? I got a lady carrying a jug over here.

Whatever happens over there. But you know. It's a privilege. This is worse than the fucking labia segment. Labia time. I love it. Yeah, but that is a bitch it was a bitch and never got them see because i i used to open for a woman and she would be like look i'm gonna level with you the only reason women like flowers because you gotta fucking get off your ass go to a website pull out a credit card we like that you did something we like that you put some effort in

and i'm like okay so if i actually pluck the flowers you wouldn't she's like no no that's no good i want you to pay i want you to sting well plucking the flowers is probably i think it's a gesture i think it's just like you fucking put work in yeah but if we plucked them they'd look like shit let's be honest so like right they like the presentation they like that it's look like shit let's be honest so like right they like the presentation they like that it's i don't know do women even give a shit about flowers i think they do i think they they try to come off oh what do i'm a feminist i don't care i'm i'm empowered now you like flowers i'm sorry you like the effort you like the thought it's all thought yeah you know i mean look at every movie you got to kill the dragon to save the lady in the tower if you didn't have to kill the

dragon she'd be like so he just showed up the dragon was dead are you comparing slaying a dragon to logging on to proflowers.com the dragon's easier because there's no fucking expiration date and qr code and all that the dragon's cut and dry i don't't know. I hate the credit card system. It's not good. This segment's dragon. No, I think the dragon is... But I'm just saying, it's taut. It's ingrained in us. It's ingrained. You've got to jump a big hump to get to the lady.

Yeah, if you want to get a big hump. Yeah, right. No, it's a work. I'll tell you. Yeah. You give your girl your mom's ring, I think they're kind of like, I want you it's a work. It's. Yeah. You give your girl your mom's ring. I think they're kind of like, I want you to buy a ring. Yeah, but that's a good one because they can't say shit.

I know. It's a family. It's a family tradition. Yeah. That's kind of fun. My mom is the least. I hope she never hears this. She's the least aware woman on the planet.

She'll be like, do you want to go to the nursery, the plant nursery with me at 7 a.m. tomorrow? And I'm like, why would I ever want to do that? Like, I don't want to go meet Richard Pryor at 7 a.m. Like, what are you, crazy? You would meet Richard Pryor at 7 a.m. I would. I would. But I'm just saying, like, I've never shown any interest in plants or botany or anything or a greenhouse.

And you want me to go at 7 a.m. on a set? What are you, insane? Like, you want to shake her by the shoulders and shake her. But she'll be like, do you think your lady would love this ornament from my great-grandmother? I'm like, eh, you know, she might. But really, she's going to pretend to care and like it. I don't know. It's just my mom is tough in that way.

What? Give me a good wreck. All right. Here's your wreck. Sorry. I went into full therapy there. I liked it. I think you've seen it.

I don't know if you've seen it there, Bear, Beer, Jew. But I saw this. It changed my life. The waterworks, the whole thing. Val. I haven't seen it yet. I'm going to watch it this week. I almost watched it last night. My God, is it touching and real.

This son of a bitch filmed his whole life from when he was five. He had a video camera, home movies. I mean, the tear jerking in this. It's incredible. And it's all just his life. The editing is unbelievable. They put it all together in a perfect narrative, and it gets to him to this day. And the shit he went through and the struggle, and he's got so much integrity.

He's a real artist. I really am a big fan of Al Kilmer, for sure. I always thought, oh, he's an actor or whatever. But now after this, I'm like, he's one of my favorite guys. You know, in Tombstone, when he's got the tuberculosis, he's laying in the bed. He's on a bed of ice because he wanted to look. He wanted to know what it felt like to be that cold. Damn.

Like he went all in. And all these movies were like, you're the hot guy. You're Batman. He was like, all right, great. It wasn't his fault that Batman sucked either. I know that was a hot crowd that was a hot cast rather i mean yeah you had tommy lee jones's two-face you had you had jim carrey and like in theory it could have been cool like that kind of fun damn that's right nicole kidman so joel schumacher directing who did the lost boys and all these other huge movies so he's like i grew up

with batman of course i want to be batman he was in africa doing like a safari when he got the call Joel Schumacher directing who did The Lost Boys and all these other huge movies. So he's like, I grew up with Batman. Of course I want to be Batman. He was in Africa doing like a safari when he got the call. And he was in a bat cave. I don't want to give too much away, but it's fascinating. And the trauma this guy went through and the death. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is like one of my favorite movies of all time. Great movie.

Great comedy. But he got labeled as difficult. Like they show him on Oprah. And she's like, I heard you're difficult to work with. He like i just want to be an actor i feel like i'm so disappointed with these roles in hollywood i feel like he was the youngest person ever accepted to juilliard wow yeah so interesting guy real actor real method the whole thing and uh i mean it's such good footage she got bumped by Kevin Bacon in a school

or a Broadway show. And then he's like, alright, I'm second to Kevin Bacon. This guy's a star. And then Sean Penn bumps him. And he's like, God. And that's when he's like, alright, now I see what Hollywood's all about. Who's the it guy? You know? And it's all about the industry and they don't give a shit. I mean, it's really, it hits home.

Damn. Check it out. Watch it with the lady i'm a big fan yeah will um yeah he's he's great man he's a great actor great and he's like he's always been good at like any time like it's crazy top secret he's fucking hilarious that's his first movie yeah and then you put like kiss kiss bang bang he's hilarious and then you just had he was like action movies and stuff. Heat. Heat.

Yeah. That ponytail, dude. I know. I know. That's one of his better roles, I think, because he's like, I got to work with De Niro and Pacino. And he's so excited. And then his hero was Brando. And then he got to work with him on Island of Dr. Moreau, which was a shit show. Yeah, it was the best.

Yeah, I mean, Brando is so, a character man but what a fall i mean that guy he really and oh my god he went nuts and like he was he you ever see that clip of him throwing up he's famous since the 50s dude i'm a fan fall but it's like that guy was famous for decades you know yeah but he he kind of he went all nuts and then he kind of ate himself to death but that scene of him on i think he's on larry king he's just like and nuts, and then he kind of ate himself to death. But that scene of him on, I think he's on Larry King. He's just like, N-word this, and the Jews run the media. He had to apologize to the Jewish coalition or whatever. But he loved Jews, too.

That was the other thing. It was like Brando studied under Jews for acting. I mean, he had so much love for Jews, and I think he was just nuts, man. He was nuts, yeah. I mean, I don't think he had a racist bone in his body. I mean, he was all about, like, I mean, you see what he did at the Native American Oscars. I mean, I think Brando was like. Kind of ahead of his time, a little bit.

Pretty crazy. I mean, yeah, holy shit. I mean, it is funny that he did that in like the 70s. And then there were like, the Indians should be a team. That fucking red face. No, Brando, man, I think like that dude's range is fucking stupid he's the best he's probably one of the best of all time i mean i think on the waterfront's a top 20 movie yeah could have been a contender yeah it's fucking masterful that is a great script it's beautiful street car he's

incredible and you get guys and dolls yeah they call you a lady lock it's fucking incredible i mean the godfather get out of here godfather apocalypse now yes yes uh that motherfucker you ever heard that old norm joke about about brando he goes uh marlon brando made some you know derogatory remarks toward jewish people and he had to apologize to the the jews in hollywood and they accepted the apology and allowed him to work again it's an old joke it's an old joke fucking hilarious that was a weekend update norm damn that you can't could you get away with that one today i don't think so i don't think i mean he had 20 minutes on oj killing his wife yeah but he got fired over he got fired over it yeah

damn um he's the guy you're like does he have money i always wonder like i guess he does the road are you kidding me i i never know who's got money and who doesn't kidding me i can't tell i don't think he's i don't think he's loaded i think he's loaded all right all right think about how many sitcoms he's been on over the years how many shows he's been on over the years norm has got money all right i worry about guys like him i wouldn't worry i would worry about like there's a lot of people in la i'd worry about before norm i'll put it that way all right have you driven under an overpass good point good point yeah that's true la's uh la's in trouble but i'm you know i don't know if that guy under the overpass

has got a great uh album yeah no he's i think norm's doing all right all right just checking he's got a son he's i think he's okay okay still eating cereal you want to be like come on man you can't you can't drive eat cereal i can't drive i live in an apartment i live in an apartment all right all right i feel attacked right now no i know you're doing fine though you got a nice lady you got a a mom around. You're doing okay. I'm all right. Yeah, you're all right. I'm good.

I'm happy. Uh-oh. No, Matt's saying his net worth is $52.5 million. That's bananas. Those are all, like, you look you up, it's going to be like $20 something. Yeah, those are all out of whack. But I appreciate them. I think that helps with the ladies.

That would be a good Tinder profile, you know, if you just wrote, this is my net worth. Those are all out of whack, but I appreciate them. I think that helps with the ladies. That would be a good Tinder profile, you know, if you just wrote, this is my net worth. Yeah, you'll attract some real quality women with that profile. Well, you know, when you're on Tinder, you're not trying to, you know, bring somebody home to mom. Yeah, fair enough. What else should we talk about? Should we do a bit? What do you got on Rick?

Do you have a rec? Yeah, I do. I didn't do this last week. Did I, Matt? To Die For? No. It's on Hulu. It's a Gus Van Sant movie.

I love Gus. I've seen this movie. This is the third time I watched it. So it's To Die For. It's starring Nicole Kidman, young, young Joaquin Phoenix casey affleck and uh matt dylan's in it wow what a cast great cat wayne knight from seinfeld what is it 95 90s around then yeah it's you know what the tone of it is it's written by buck henry who's also in it who wrote the graduate who's a genius yeah buck henry's a fucking american genius so uh it's incredible.

All right. It's the tone. If you like the movie Election, you'll like this movie. I love Election. It's that tone. Okay. It's like it's a dark as hell comedy that is like the way Election is a gold standard satire.

This is the same. All right. Wow. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Nicole Kidman's incredible in it i think it's the second straight week i've wrecked the nicole kidman thing but uh last week on the undoing oh

yeah but i'll tell you this movie is like so i laughed out loud so many times it's just about a deranged person who wants fame more than anything and holy shit did it make me think of a lot of people we know you got that right it's great young joaquin's incredible man he's amazing it's it's a great uh oh uh what's your elena douglas is great no she's always fun she's always it's just a great i love gus man sam i do too and and it's cool because i used to work at blockbusters and i would see that box to die and i was like oh it's gonna be some kind of she was hot porno or kind of like nc-17 but it's it's actually type of movie you would have rented with a kid and you're and you're just like fast forwarding

for the sex scene and then you're like this is it it's just really sharp satire right right i had that with time cop a lot of fast forwarding oh Oh, my God. Was there nudity in that? Oh, Mia, Mia, whatever. Mia Sarah, the chick from Ferris Bueller. I never saw it. Oh. I never saw Time Cop. It's a fun Van Damme. I feel like an action romp.

Yeah, I never saw it. He goes to the future and has to fight himself. It's a lot of fun. Ron Silver. I highly recommend to die for it. It's on Hulu if you have Hulu. And it's like, it's really fucking funny all right yeah that's a great wreck really funny nice little throwback yeah it's weird man the 90s are

like classic now isn't that weird it's fucking bananas and i i just gotta get used to it and get over it isn't that weird man yeah yeah i mean you see kids kids ironically wearing a nirvana shirt i'm like oh shit i wore i went you know to a nirvana show not really i actually didn't but i could have i went to see limp biscuit and i regret it you saw limp biscuit my friend had an extra ticket i'd never been to a concert he's like you never know a concert i'm like no except for jazz and blues and shit in new orleans but we went it was i hated it it was all they had a couple songs though not not for me i hate the hat the backwards hat the the like fake faux rap is it rap is it metal what are we doing here is it rap is it punk is it

yeah what is it not into it and it was all that angry shit like give me something to break i'm like i'm not that angry okay i'm hanging out i'm 11 great if they started rioting just destroying this set he's like no not this yeah please yeah yeah exactly just one of those days i'm like you don't want to wake up yeah everything is fucked everything sucks i'm not you're just like this was not exactly uh inspired lyrics no i feel like i have more angst now you know you always hear about the angsty teenager i'm like now i was cruising as a teen you're less angry than you you you have less angst uh i think you're more together now than when i met you oh really yeah all right i'll take that you've gone to therapy

you've you've become a better person i think hey. Hey, wow. You're more, I think. I don't know. I mean, I think, I'm not saying about good or bad person. I'm just saying like, you know, like, fuck you, mom. I never had that growing up. I like my mom. I think you have, you had more of it when I met you than you do now. Really?

You had some anger when I met you. You think? Yeah, I think we both did. Oh, okay. When you're a young comic, you just have some fucking anger, man. Like, the business is still fucked but i think that we had less control back then ah good point good point we were just younger we just didn't understand like we i think we've more look i'm still lost i think

we had less of an understanding on on life you know definitely definitely yeah okay all right well hey that's that's one to grow on or what do you call it that's a good note to end on or wait what about a bit we gotta do bits all right i got one for you all right so i think i brought this up last week i decided to try it as a bit i think there's something here about so i told my dad i can't ride a bike you know and he was like he was like making fun of me about it he was like you can He was like, you can't ride a bike? That's hilarious. And I was like, you're my dad.

You know what I mean? So it's kind of like if your girlfriend or wife was like, man, you never get pussy. That's great. Something like that. Something there, right? Yeah, yeah. That's good. I like that.

I was like, man, if only there's someone who could have done something about this. Right. That's great. That's a who could have done something about this. Right. That's great. That's a great twist. Something there, right? Yeah. Good, perfect comparison. We can do that on the Patreon.

If you haven't signed up for our Patreon, it's patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. Mark wants to take me bike riding in Central Park. I'm terrified. I will get the bike. I'll get a city bike. We'll get Salacuse. We'll get Peters out there. Maybe we'll get drunk. Who. We'll get Salicus. We'll get Peters out there. Maybe we'll get drunk.

Who knows? And no training wheels. I'm going to hold the back. I'm going to dress like a dad. I'm going to wear a cardigan, have a pipe. I hope you have a hat with a propeller on it. I have a helmet I'll be wearing. All right, perfect.

And we'll do the grass, and then we'll eventually get you going on the sidewalk, and you'll never forget it. I'm nervous nervous it's like riding a bike it's gonna be great what do you got you want to have a bike skill i feel bad that you're walking by city bikes and bikers all day going i can't do that that's gonna hit the psyche a little nah probably it doesn't no i mean like it would if it was like necessary for living in the city like if i if i was you're acting like i was in a wheelchair and i saw people walking i'm i can walk i can take the subway i can take a cab i'm not i i can still get around well let's say you go to atlantic city with your lady

and yeah that's the honeymoon destination all right you go to the martha's vineyard or nantucket and she goes we got the whole day off. Let's go bike riding on the pier. She knows me. Why would she do that? Why would she go, let's do something that you can't do? Wow, does she know you can't? Yes.

Because I didn't know you couldn't ride a bike until two days ago. Yeah, she knows because she was terrified when I left LA and was like, I'll ride bikes during the pandemic. She's like, please don't. I don't drive. Yeah, no, absolutely not. All right, I'll ride bikes during the pandemic. She's like, please don't. I don't drive. Yeah, no, absolutely not. All right. Well, I'm going to show you. It's super easy.

You're an athletic guy. You play basketball. You swim. Well, you swim. I swim and I shoot baskets. Okay, that's enough. It's enough. That's all I need.

It's just getting my cardio enough up that if I get the Delta variant, I won't die. There you go. That's a good health barometer right there. All right. How about this for a bit? Hit me. These drinks, by the way. Holy shit, Dan.

I know. I'm trying not to black out here. One more? We got a Patreon to do. I have a thing I have to do after this that I cannot beat. I have to ride a bike. What do you got? All right.

So, you know, got engaged. The girlfriend's always like, you got to post about the engagement. I want some engagement posts. Post, post, post. And I'm like, why do I have to post? This is our thing. Who cares about the public? I saw another post.

Yeah, yeah. Tell me about it. So I'm like, why? Why? This is between us. It's the, you know, matrimony, bond or whatever. And she's like, just post about it. It means a lot to me.

It's a special thing for me. And I'm like, well. I hear that. I get that. Okay. I agree. And I go, well, we had a threesome once. So I'm going to post about that.

Did you? Yeah. And she's like, well, I don't know about that. And I'm like, well, that was special to me. And she's like, well, I don't know about that. I'm like, well, that was special to me. And she's like, yeah, but this is a bomb between two people. I'm like, that was a bomb between three. Three beats two. That's a great bet.

Yeah. I'm sure that's already hitting. I tried it once and it did okay, but I can't find my footing yet. That was between three is a great line. Oh, you like that? Okay, okay. Did you try that line yet? Yeah, yeah.

That's the only laugh it got, but I was, you know, I was freewheeling. It's tough, because in this setup, it's tough, because it's like, well, obviously you share a wedding photo and not a threesome. Of course, of course. So, like, obviously there's that flaw in it at the gate, but, like, the bond between three line is killer.

Yeah, she's like, that's, but the wedding, like, I dreamed about as a kid, I'm like, I dreamed about this as a kid, you know, and then i do a whole thing where like a wedding i told my friends about this well i told my friends about this yeah oh that's good and a wedding for a girl is like a threesome for a guy because you you envision them the same way who are we going to invite where are we going to do it that's good how much is it going to cost so it needs some uh that didn't do great but uh the other part did how much is it going to do it? That's good. How much is it going to cost? So it needs some. Did that hit? That didn't do great, but the other part did.

How much is it going to cost? I thought that was going to hit, too, but it didn't. That's comedy for you. How many times have you tried it? Once. I'd give it another shot. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Also, yeah.

She hates the bit, but I'm also like, hey, we're talking about the engagement. You wanted more exposure. Yeah. You know. So. So there could be something about, like, you know. And look, I'll be honest. The threesome wasn't always planned you know it was the same as my wedding night to no something about my best man i was gonna say oh no no i'm trying to think

like um wedding yeah i was trying to avoid uh, but I didn't eat the fish. The fish? But I'm trying to avoid that part. But yeah, yeah, there's got to be more there, you know, like my mom loved it, you know, something like that. That picture, I guess, and she's right, because we don't have any pictures in the three-way, but we've got some great oh that's good that's good yeah that's good that's something yeah that's funny you know i'll put that on instagram yeah they blocked it it is weird that like it's it's very it's very the wedding shows shows to the woman that you're serious. The three-way shows the man that she is.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. How come ladies get their thing, but we can't have our thing? Well, you did get your thing. Well, I mean, publicly. You're not really going to publicly. No, no. I think the bit is you just keep going with the three-way versus the wedding. Right, right.

You got the angles. I think the cost is funny. I think you planning the three-way the way a woman would plan. We hire a planner. What do we do for the food? Yeah, yeah. What do we- Exactly.

That's good. What if there's a joke in like, object or some that guy in there or the priest yeah there's a lot here there's a lot to play with because weddings are so big that there's a lot of uh angles to go down damn i can't believe you had a three-way i i actually didn't i made that up oh really yeah but it's for the good of the pit that's yeah that's I was gonna be like damn I fucking I ran a buyer she's like yeah whatever oh to do on stage yeah yeah you know like can I say we had a three way she's like ah

you're a comic yeah it's all for the joke that's what people don't get about jokes it's all mechanics well I some of a lot of it's true is it truth I mean I or like you know if it's a story it's truth. I mean, or like, you know, if it's a story, it's definitely true. I think there may be parts that you like. Like, I've had bits where, like, I end on, and I'm like, well, that ending is, like, a little tweaked.

Yeah. But, like, it always comes from a real place in some way. Yes, yes. The real place in this bit is like, well, if we had a threesome, I'd want to tell people. Exactly. You know, and you want to tell people exactly you want to tell me about your thing yeah you know but i just think it's weird when people are like i do a school shooting joke you know kids when i was growing up kids yelled shotgun now kids

yell that in the classroom and people are like how dare you make jokes about school shoot i'm like it's just the shotgun shotgun like that's all i I saw there. I was like, that's a bit. That could be something. You connected something to make. I connected something. In your mind to make a fun dark joke. Yeah, I'm not promoting. You're mocking your age versus this age.

I mean, that's, yeah. That's it, I got a homonym or a homophone or whatever. I have a bit about mass shootings now in my act right now. It's like, you know, I feel like I had in the last one too, but now it's a more personal bit. It's about me like teasing a kid until he threatened to shoot up to school and it becomes a whole story uh-huh you know yeah i feel fucking guilty about it so that's why i'm talking about it but we're cool i mean he comes to shows now oh yeah yeah but i mean it's one of the things we were like oh fuck it's like it turned into a bit where i feel guilty that's why

i made it a bit right i was like I was like, it's like my confession. Yes. You know? Oh, interesting. Interesting. Well, we didn't, I mean, at least I didn't grow up with school shootings, really. Oh. Actually, Columbine was, I was in ninth grade.

So my dad did, I guess. I mean, I still remember the rock bit. Like, we didn't have any friends. There were six of you motherfuckers. We don't have six friends. That's three on three with a half court. That's a great bit. Great bit.

He opened with that too. That's a fucking amazing. Trenchcoat Mafia. Oh yeah. That was great. Yeah, I mean, I see white kids come on now, I jump off the elevator. That was a whole bit.

I mean, that was, yeah. That was legendary. That was legendary. It is. I am scared of young white boys. That was the opening. I remember being like, oh, my God, he's going in. He's going right to Columbine.

It was so good. Yeah, I definitely wasn't scared of school shootings when I was in school. No, no. It's one of the things where kids have to think about that. Isn't that crazy? That's an insult now. We were fat, ugly, gay, and they're like, school shooter. That's an insult now.

How many roasts have you seen where they go, Joe List looks like a school shooter. It's a go-to glasses, nerd look school shooter joke. That's new. Not new, but newish. Isn't that crazy? That's crazy. Kids have to worry about, I mean, that's the thing.

We all saw guns in high school. Sure. I grew up in Manhattan and I saw guns. So it's like, I damn sure well know you suburban kids saw them. Right, right. You know, like, that's crazy. That's something you have to think about. That's stress on a kid, man.

That's great. Yeah. I had a bit in my last special i'm like man now getting held back is a real threat that was my angle like you want you want to go to summer school please i've already done two tours a freshman year that was a joke doors yeah that was that was a bit i had on on school shooting but i remember that but they fucking that's a real thing man well i mean i feel like the inner city schools kind of had a metal detector thing going on but then when it hit like white schools when a club has metal detectors i do too i love metal

detectors i love them but not great with my hip my fake hip but no um but it's the same hip that had a three-way it wasn't easy to really tighten those bolts. But I just think it was big. But it's funny how black comics are always like, when it hits white people, that's when it becomes a story. It's true. It's so true. When it hits the Sandy Hook or Columbine, it's a fucking news story. No one gives a fuck about Chicago.

I mean, that's the truth. I mean, there's so many shootings in Chicago. More than Iraq have died in Chicago. It's crazy. It's horrible. It's crazy. But that's weird because I have black friends who are like, the truth i mean like there's some such so many shootings in chicago more than iraq yeah i've died in chicago it's great it's all things great but that's weird because like i have black friends who are like don't ever bring up the chicago thing white people always do that they always do it it's true it is true so do we bring it up too much or do we not talk about it enough it's it's a tough line there for sure for sure no it's true i mean i don't know guns are just i i'm just not a gun guy they'd scare the shit out of me i'm not although you know i know some of you are listening like well you're

not a bike or a car guy either sam so shut the fuck up i could teach you how to shoot a gun we'll go to central park we'll do a patreon well i was in oklahoma i was just an okc And Liz, who runs a club there, she's great. Oh, yeah. She was like, let's go shooting tomorrow. And I was like, I'm in, but I'm fucking, I was too tired. But I was like, I would love to go shooting. My friend, you know, Chris Allen, he was in the military.

He's a big gun guy. And he took me in, I think we were in Dayton. And we went to the gun range. And I was sick as a dog. He's two and a soprano. He would scare me. I feel like he would make a joke like, you big mouth big mouth fuck right but the thing with guns is just so real like you're like bam bam you feel that pop and that kick back and you're like whoa this is wild and you can turn it

sideways and you can end a life it's a lot of responsibility i'm not a big gun guy either but they scare me yeah it's just weird i'm just uh it's too intense i don't like anything that definite i don't like a balcony i don't like a fucking balcony i don't like anything that that could be lead to permanence yeah i don't like a wedding ring ah hey nobody does but you're right i i'm with you with the definite we like light we like in and out we do the road you're in kentucky you're out of Kentucky. We're cowboys, man. Yes.

We're literally rolling up on a horse. Well, they like guns. They like guns. But we're rambling. We're ramblers. I love it. We're not really cowboys. No.

I mean, we did fuck that one time. But other than that. I can't quit you. That was a good movie. Great movie. Great movie. That's an underappreciated movie great movie it's it's i heard mark walberg turned down the gyllenhaal part ah big mistake but then he but then he's

playing do you see the trailer for his new movie where he plays a dad where his gay son kills himself and like that's a one mark walberg role where he's just like i fucking failed you as a father oh no i haven't seen that trailer it's rough man he's a punchline he's a good actor no he's not bad he's not bad boogie nights is great boogie nights is amazing but uh i wonder if gyllenhaal's like damn i fucked a dead guy yeah the guy he fucked is dead yeah it was acting though that's true that's true i think i think i think his wife was probably more like i fucked a dead guy than the guy he acted with. Was he married?

He was estranged, I think, from Michelle Williams, wasn't he? Didn't they have a kid together? She's a hell of an actress. She's great. Heath Ledger ruled, man. Killer actor. What a way to go out, too. Dude, Brokeback and The Dark Knight is how you go out?

That's kind of legend. Could you give me two more different roles? Yeah, good point. Than a gay badass cowboy. Good point. And the Joker. Yeah. Speaking of Val, I don't want to give too much away, but his wife leaves him because he's always obsessed with his roles.

So she bails. So there's a price to pay for art is he is he together with someone now i don't think so well then also the throat thing kicked in that's tough yeah poor guy i know he's such a sweet guy i mean you gotta watch i remember he tweeted about bargazzi's album years ago do you remember that no he tweeted about nate bargazzi's album being like what a wonderful comedian or something like that. You're like, oh, I love that guy. Yeah, he's all heart.

I mean, he's integrity. He's sweet. He's nice. He's got two great kids. The kid narrates the whole thing because he can't talk. Oh, my God. Could you imagine not being able to talk? We take it for granted.

We do podcasts. We do stand-up. This is everything. The voice. Poor guy. Yeah. Will he ever recover? No, I don't think so. everything. The voice. Poor guy. Yeah. Will he ever recover? No, I don't think so.

Fuck. I know. I know. This is all wrapped up in the plot. You got to see it. I mean, take a night off and really turn the lights out. Get a popcorn. I'm at the cellar later, but I'll probably watch it later.

Watch it after. Damn. Poor guy. It's heavy. You too. You could use a little pain in your life but we gotta wrap this thing up here give some road shout outs man i'm in i'm in portland oregon uh royal oak michigan boston i left boston uh atlanta georgia millersville pennsylvania

philadelphia uh fuck uh moon tower in austin i think it sold out though Philadelphia. Fuck. Moon Tower in Austin. I think it sold out, though. Nice. Then I got, what else? Fuck, man. I'm everywhere. I'm fucking everywhere. You're everywhere.

You're on the road, and you're grinding it. That's what it's all about, building material. SamRoyal.com slash shows for tickets. I'm just checking my list. Oh, yeah, St. Louis. Ooh. Helium in Missouri. They got a new manager, finally.

Indy Helium. Good room. Springfield, Missouri. Man, I'm really hitting up Missouri. lewis uh helium in missouri they got a new manager finally indie helium good room springfield missouri man i'm really hitting up missouri i'm i'm trying to get covered at this point chicago the den denver comedy works fucking cobs in san francisco stand up live we got great gigs coming up i can't wait so it's gonna be great and uh yeah shit it's gonna great gigs coming up i can't wait so it's gonna be great and uh yeah shit it's gonna great gigs coming up samuel.com slash shows see you there man careful in sf i hear it's uh wild west out there is it that's what i hear it's november so okay okay hopefully it's better by then i i'm sure it won't be but who knows hopefully it's better uh when flu season starts. Oh, yeah, flu season. I forgot about that.

I'm at the Arlington Improv, Appleton, Wisconsin, Skyline, Funny Bone, Albany, West Palm Beach Improv, Comedy Connection in Providence, Comedy on State in Madison. Comedy on State, the GOAT. Nashville, Rochester, Richmond. All good rooms. Portland, Boston, Atlanta,lanta bucket theater trying my theater chop we'll see what happens and uh yeah get on the patreon you're missing out we're doing we're gonna unbox these motherfuckers on a patreon see what's in them could be sars could be a bomb

anthrax anthrax covid delta lambda who knows come onrax. COVID. Delta. Lambda. Who knows? Come on by. We'll read your emails, Pex. We might be drunkpod at gmail.com. Thank you. Email us. Patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. We're growing pretty quickly.

Leave us a nice review. And Fat Cat will be sitting right here pretty soon. Don't you worry. We got a sweet design. You guys are going to fucking jizz over this design. You'll jizz in your own hand in a hotel room. Hey, I told you that in confidence.

This is terrible. All right. Thanks, guys. Thank you.