We Might Be Drunk - Ep 37: Martini Time

Episode Date: August 23, 2021

It's Martini Time, thanks to Dan for making up some delicious drinks. Thanks to Matt and Gotham for hosting. If you want to send packages to the studio the address is: Gotham Podcast Studio 39 West 38th Street, 10th Fl New York NY 10018 Send emails to the show at [e-mail] We are sponsored by Sheath Underwear, use promo code DRUNK when ordering. Join us on the Patreon for more episodes and content. Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod

we might be drunk we might be drunk as long as we are hanging out you know we might be drunk raise a glass let's talk shit pep heaps wrecks and a bit maybe drunk we might be drunk yo what's up hey we, hey! We might be... Drunk. You got that right. We're on our way here with this, uh, this, it's Martini Day. Hell yeah! I mean, we're going all in.

Danny, baby, the beard Jew is already, uh, clinking some cubes around in the, in that grandpa's cough medicine over there. And if you remember last week, he drink eat bread with butter yes which we both forgot yes uh so we've been throwing down pretzels so we don't die here pretzels one of my least favorite food what i hate i anything on a plane i've i've hate i hate a biscoff cookie i hate a pretzel i hate i can eat a peanut but those are gone you hate the biscoff i hate it the biscoff cookie is is a delight oh it's so hard you take one bite you're you're you dip it in your coffee

wow you get the airplane coffee oh i do oh that's bad that's bad coffee with that shitty creamer too nothing depresses me more than a hotel creamer the powder not well that's that's bottom of the barrel that's like sars oh it's anthrax but the little though for some reason you don't need to refrigerate it yeah the coffee mate a little cup pull the little labia off of that thing it's so and it bubbles up it's it's it's chemicals like the labia i dig my tongue in just so it doesn't overflow. Yeah. Ladies love that, by the way. When you get the tongue in the hole. Fun fact. Whoa!

Coming at you hot. Oh, my God. Look at that. That looks good. All right. So this is vodka martinis because Mark fucked up. Yeah. I forgot the kettle won.

It's sitting on my coffee table. I got a big jug of it. I keep it on the bar cart. It's my prized possession, and I left it at home like a douche. And so Danny boy ran out and grabbed it. I love it, dude. He's a good barkeep. This is, all right, well, cheers, man.

This is a great. I love a martini. It's classic. I like this glass better than the. Way better. I mean, look, it's classic. I have some of them at home. And you know what I did?

I got, like, it's extra big, so you just don't fill it all the way up. Smart. I don't like the, you have to walk. I hate it. You're like, fuck, why don't fill it all the way up. Smart. I hate it. You're like, fuck, am I a jewel thief? Why am I walking on my toes with a drink? I know. It's less stable than a Miami condo. That thing goes down with a breeze.

So tell us what we got here there, Apron. So that is just a classic, super dirty, filthy vodka martini. Oh, my God. Oh, that's filthy. That is good. And Mark, I agree with you. i like the coupe glasses a lot better hell yeah is this just olive juice and all juice and vodka why is it so much better than when i make it because i made it uh it is damn good i mean the filthier the better this is so good

that is good this is like i like my vodka martinis like like seaw, or if I'm an Italian, like pasta water. Yes, totally. And in a dirty martini, there should be no vermouth at all. I hate when they put dry vermouth in a dirty martini. It should be either dry or dirty. I think so. What is the vermouth? What is the point? No, that's bisexual right there.

Pick a hole. Pick a hole. What is vermouth? What is the point of it? Dry vermouth, it just softens it up a little bit. Oh. Well, if you do a vodka martini, it's dry vermouth with it, right? That can be good.

Absolutely, but I don't think there should be dry vermouth in a dirty martini. Oh. So that's when people order a little dirty. That's like a finger in the butt. Not too dirty. You're not getting pegged. Right. But it's dirty. It's a hint. It's a hint. It's a hint.

Pinky and the stink. Yeah, this is good, man. This is damn good, and I like it. This is like Louisiana water after that oil spill. It is gross, but it's good. Is this? Okay, so this is. Are you an olive guy?

Yeah. Are you a pickle guy? Yeah. You like them both? Oh, yeah. I kind of want to try those onions and stuff back there too while we're doing this because this is we get you guys send us all this great stuff at gotham studios and i love it uh love an old gay and uh

we got pickled red onion and pickle pineapple but what's the name of that brand on there beer chew got old bay no but i think somebody sent us those at some company. Three Dogs Pickles? Three Dogs! There it is. Shout out to Three Dogs. Love it, Three Dog. Three Dog Night. What do you got?

What's that one? I got all kinds of stuff here. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. We got spicy sesame and garlic. I mean, we got to all try this right damn this is like a paula dean show we're gonna start saying the n-word and i keep eating this pickled uh pickled delights that man you haven't heard from she was canceled big cancel you know what's funny about paula dean is all my black friends and like black tutors like i like that bitch's chicken anytime fuck her she makes a piece she can say the n-word while she's uh roasting up some gravy or whatever the hell well yeah but hey damn paula

dean yeah yeah yeah she really went down i know and she was a big titan in the cooking empire yeah damn she was like the southern lady you had bobby flay you had emerald he was like the hot guy who just fucks oh that's his whole thing where you're just like this dude's just he'll have guests on beat bobby flay he's like she's a young actress and we're like we can read between the lines bobby we know how she got this part i love i would love to watch a sex tape of him plowing uh giada de la renta who's that is that her name what's that who i'm talking about is that it she's a cute italian broad with a little yeah so hot how about uh man batali went down pretty bad yeah

but that guy was everywhere those crocs are empty yeah i hate to live a day in those shoes it's a bald ponytail how do you open these you got it it's a ball jar this so i have to like flip this up or something uh yeah just give it a little under the nails there i don't have nails i bite my nails i'll tell you i told my psychiatrist i was thinking about having suicidal thoughts now he told me to pay in advance my mom's a big foodie coos and she uh she used to pickle everything when i was a kid it was a nightmare i love pick what why are you anti-pickling well i i you know i like eating it but i didn't have to honor like jar stuff i had to clean the jars and help her like pick the garden yes there we go you got it yeah oh that's the pineapple oh man smells like an old cooter. This smells good, man.

That is fire, dude. Yeah, that's fucking great. That is really good. Alright, alright. This is turning into a... Alright, sorry. I just saw it there and we're like, we're having this thing. Yeah, it was the Food Network doing chopped here all of a sudden. I watch Val on your recommendation.

God damn. Oh, what a tearjerker. It's also my term for a bad handjob. It's incredible. Oh, my touching. Yeah, I love him. It's crazy when they do that montage. Like, they do all the movies early on,

and they do that montage of movies he's done. You're like, man, he's in a lot of bad movies. I know, I know. And he's good. That's the fucked up thing. It thing it's like let me sit and then he's saying like you can't complain because he's rich all right but then also the part where he loans his dad all this money and i know that's like brutal i know like and he was in all that debt because he and then he tried to make the twain thing i don't want to give anything away you got to see it it's on amazon the twain thing is great it looked great it looked great i remember doing the road and being like mark twain well

yeah so his face is the stress factor which i love he's such an actor you know he was in that like shitty little green room like how quaint this is wonderful this is this must be how they do no and i love the stress factory calm down vinny if you're listening oh yeah but uh you know uh yeah so many incredible things i mean there's not to give too much away, but there's a part. He's got a video camera. He's just documenting everything. Yeah. So it's a play you're talking about with Kevin Bacon and Sean Penn.

Yes. And there's a part where he takes the camera out, and Kevin Bacon's like, whoa, is that a video camera? Cool. I know. That shows how long ago. It's like the early 80s. And they look like kids. They're probably like 1920, 21.

Sean Penn's still a badass. You know, it's so crazy. Sean Penn's so crazy scary they all pull their pants down you want to be like did he ask for their consent to throw this up i know a good point but that that was just kind of how it was when you were like a young boy you just did you whip your balls out or whatever i know and like i don't know you can is that toxic or if you were a new york governor either way but i remember i went to catholic school and guys would come up to your desk take the balls out of the zipper and just put them on the corner of your desk and you'd be like all right all right all right it was just pretty standard that garlic's fucking good too oh man you're gonna be stinking up a storm over here

i am all right i gotta go kiss later too hey bring it'll tell you. I told my old man I want to go ice skating on the lake. He said, wait till it gets warmer. Uncle Cuomo on me here. Oh, you want me to? Get in on this. Get in. You'll get there. That'll wake you up.

Yeah, Val is great. So good. Great rec. You got to watch To Die For. Watch that. I will. You're going to love it, man. Val makes you realize, I don't know about your my parents didn't videotape one millisecond of my childhood and i

think that means i'm in good shape you know anytime there's a lot of video footage of a kid he gets he gets kidnapped he ods he gets in a car accident something happens that's interesting right the when there's too much footage you're like that something happened yeah definitely or you become an actor i guess yeah true but i mean that's i mean his fucking brother dies you're like you knew something was coming when he's like he's like i hate you can just i've seen too many documentaries i know when someone's like he was always more creative than i was you're like fuck something happened to him he's a goner whenever he gets a compliment too early yep this is another one on intervention whenever they go he lit up a room you're like oh he's on heroin anytime you light up a room your

life is ruined he lit up a pipe uh no it's brutal uh i mean it's i watch so many of those true crime shows man oh yeah i watch them all i love them i know the one i loved recently was murder at middle beach oh that was heavy. HBO brings out the bangers for that shit. Netflix has some really good ones, too. But it's a grab bag. It's like one out of ten. HBO is probably like eight out of ten.

They're more selective, yeah. Yeah, or it's seven. I mean, I watch them all, man. The Jinx is still my number one. Jinx is amazing. You can't beat a true crime where there's a smoking gun. I know. The confession is in real time.

I mean, that guy must be jerking himself. That guy came around a lot. Andrew Farragutti. Jarecki. Yeah, he's a man. He directed Bumpin' Mics with the teller and Jeff Ross. He also did Capturing the Freedmen's. I don't know that one.

Silly Billy. Silly Billy. His dad was a pedophile he was like the new york clown it's great it's incredible all right let's shout out to all the women who my girl gives me shit for watching entourage and then she watches you know the pedophile killed nine girls in a in a hotel room with a garden hoe and you're like all right entourage sends a bad message what is this scent exactly. They just bro hug. This guy fucking strangles.

I know. Get off my case here. They're actors, but Jessica Alba's not an object. Yes, she is. She's an actress. She's still walking. This little girl got gaped in a park, and you're like, this is entertainment. I mean, some of the footage, and not to give too much away, but when Val Kilmer's videotaping Mar marlon brando he's just like a fucking blob on a hammock this is incredible and he it's his hero

and he won't answer him it's kind of like how i feel with a lot of comedians around new york you know there's like what time am i on i'm like what'd you how'd you feel about that one special he's like shut up i i text colin quinn to be a part of this uh documentary i'm making about the pandemic yeah i text him i said colin will you do a part of this documentary I'm making about the pandemic. Yeah. I text him. I said, Colin, will you do a part of this? It would mean a lot to me. And he basically said, I'll do it as long as you admit that no one wants to be in your stupid documentary.

And I said, all right, I admit it. He goes, all right, I'll do it. It's like, goddamn. I don't know if I've told anybody. Everybody laughs so hard. And you can't blame it. We don't want to do anything. I know, but you know what?

It's his way of being like,'ll i'm cool with it yeah and he could the fact that he can be real with you shows that he likes you and gets you and all that but i love colin i had a few pops one night i was on the road i was lonely i was strung out and i texted seinfeld recently that's probably about a year ago it was like heart of the pandemic you know everything's shut down you know everything's weird there's a lot of drama on earth and no one knew what was going on so i texted seinfeld two in the morning couple whiskeys in ah just talking about it makes my asshole pucker but i said i got a great idea for a video because nobody was doing anything like it was just like shutting down Netflix and chill all night

so I said how about this you like cars no one's putting out any content how about we drive around empty Times Square we get a film crew and you teach me how to drive stick shift and it'll be funny and he didn't write back for like four days and then I was hungover like

what are you thinking why would he ever want to do that it's such a bad idea what does he get out of this it's all for me i'm such a cunt and then like three days later he wrote back okay dot dot dot like kind of like whatever no but okay i don't know he wrote okay it was very vague but pretty uh pretty uncomfortable that's brutal i'm sorry man no no i mean we're still cool we've texted since but that was like the i learned a lesson i absorbed it i said i'll never ask him for anything again i'm lucky to have his phone number keep moving uh yeah i had one of those with leno it's hilarious with leno yeah oh let's hear it confession time i did not tell this story on the podcast not on the pod i don't think well so i uh

i texted him a few weeks ago i was just like i saw his name on the lineup so they are cool leno is doing stand-up again that's kind of cool you know well how'd you get his number for real let's let's go back to the beginning he just called you out of the blue he i had a publicist for my last special and i guess he hit up my publicist like how do i get i'd love to call him and he just he called me to say he loved my special i got this how cool is this crazy but then of course i fucking ruined it i can't take a nice thing same uh he he i text him because i have his number i was like hey man uh so how you doing stand. How's it going? How are the sets treating you or whatever?

And he just said something like. That's pretty good. It's all right. And he said something along the lines. It's a guy who gets too many texts. Yes, exactly. Same with Seinfeld. You know, he probably puts his phone down to be with his kids. Of course.

And he comes back for like 100 texts. Of course. And he's like, K, okay, dot, dot, dot. Like, that's what he's doing yeah yeah and uh that's not so bad he wrote back something along the lines of it gets worse oh shit i said will you help me help me uh learn a city bike around central park and he he waited four days no he no he just wrote back uh great he goes oh good to hear from you say best wishes it doesn't answer the question though ah it's like nipping the like we're not going further i get it i get

it he's probably he's a real man he's probably underneath the car like yeah with a wrench you know exactly he's got denim on with it's not as bad as yours that's fucking crazy well that was my i fucked up with the text but you it was also heat a pandemic like nothing was going on so fucking lonely i know and i also thought hey you like count is it good you like cars i thought i was being thoughtful but it was all shit and uh he doesn't want to these people don't want to do things you know all they do is press junkets and movie bullshit and all these like uh podcasts and shit they don't want to sit around with me doing a video for youtube i do though all right well we're doing a bike ride we're doing a bike ride yeah you know jerry uh he's probably tired he's of course he's like any old guy who's in

good shape like that yeah and they got a busy schedule do you ever listen to him on tim ferris no here's good it's a great pod. I text him about it. We talk about it. But he said he works out like three hours a day every day. Seinfeld does? Yeah. Then he does TM. So he's got his days blocked.

So to come shoot a thing would be a whole. Three hour workout. He's a psycho, man. He's crazy. That sounds just horrible. I know. I know. He's got his own demons.

But. I like that Jerry's the last dude left wearing Nike shocks. He loves Nike shocks. Him and Vince Carter in like 2003. Yeah. It's amazing, dude. He's got the perfect old man wardrobe where it still kind of works. Jeans, t-shirt, blazer. Yeah.

Yeah. With Nikes. Yeah. He looks good. You know what I think about every time I see something like that? wardrobe where it's like it still kind of works jeans t-shirt blazer yeah yeah with nikes yeah he looks good you know what i think about every time i see something like that is there's a girl out there going oh that's hot with some woman thinks that's hot that's a hot look yeah it's just together it's together he's like it's like being like i'm i'm rich but i'm cool i'm casual yeah yeah no i'm with you because he can't go sweatpants he can't go full amber rose that'd be great if he did juicy on the ass you know full airport sweats with the zip up that matches get out of here in a jumpsuit and a fucking flat brimmed hat just like just

chilling nothing weirder when like an older guy like. Even Sandler has a weird hat cocked to the side, or Swartzen. I'm like, you're 48, you're 61, what are you doing? That's so Sandler, though. Yeah, I guess so. Sandler still plays hoops. There'll be videos that go up of Sandler just in some random pickup game. And he's not good, either. He's not bad.

Well, he's got seven-foot-eight black guys dunking, and he's like... Yeah, but he's smart. He knows how to pass and stuff. He's a decent shooter. He's pretty good. I told you about the time I saw him at Netflix. What? I think I talked about this.

Dave has a problem with the sauce. What happened? But I was pitching a thing at Netflix. I'm all nervous. I'm wearing a tuxedo. I'm freaking out. And I see Sandler in the distance and he's got a whole team around him. His team is in suits and blazers and everything. He's wearing a gigantic orange t-shirt that came down to his knees Crocs and basketball

shorts he won he won he fucking won yeah first of all who's the hobo oh it's a weird thing when you're homeless you dress this way then when you're middle class you dress better then you put a polo shirt on and then when you get get super rich, you go back to hobo. Yeah. Weird how that works. It is. Well, it's because you're trying. They say dress for the job you want.

He already got the job. Yeah. The job is not giving a fuck. Right. The job is making fucking billions of dollars. Yeah. That's fucking the dream. You're just making movies with your friends.

Exactly. And my girlfriend thinks he's super sexy because of that but she's like also a good looking guy he's a good looking guy and he's obviously funny and talented but like if you were not successful and dressed like that you'd be a bum but if you are successful and dressed like that it's hot it's funny how it all factors yeah my brother-in-law is very very successful and he dresses schlubby and i like him for i love it it makes me like him even more because it's like he's a really successful guy but you know he's like his out his shirts don't fit yeah i like

that about it i love it like you don't give a shit i love that so dan soders on billions he's got the bonfire and he's a touring headliner. And he looks like an eighth-grade pothead. You know, he's got like a slipknot hoodie on and a hammer loop jean, you know, dirty old Reeboks. I love that. He never left Aurora in his clothing. Yeah, he's going to the X Games all of a sudden.

He's 61. I love him. Yeah, he's the best. Pull up, if you can matt wait we got no tv going here but if you can't get sandler in the last special what is it called 100 tomatoes or yeah something like that even his outfit you know that sandler put in a word for you me and list for netflix for our jokes jokes jokes special i heard i heard i was doing 20 each he fucking made that call which makes him a hall of fame amazing dude totally for me you got some uh interesting connections

i don't know him though i just know him through i no way i mean i talked to him on the phone once let's hear about that what's he like on the phone i never told you this you did but i mean the people want to know i just like wrote a couple jokes for he never even used the jokes he used his own i think he just probably wanted to just like i'll get some people in but uh did he see your special you have the same agent or what are we talking same agency and he just uh same temple he watched he watched some uh clips of comics he was like i like this guy so i so wow but then yeah we talked on the phone he was he was so cool i told him i remember he was like uh you where do you work in the city

ever worked a comic strip i was like that's where i started you know yeah and he was like oh yeah yeah that's where i started man he's like i remember he he just asked a lot of questions he's just like a really sweet guy and uh i remember at one point he's like your mom your parents proud i was like yeah i guess you know i was like you know it's that thing where it's like my mom's proud but then she's also like oh my god i can't believe you're doing this shit you know like yeah it goes from like proud to being like horrified in a span of seconds right you know like example like you know getting a write-up in hustler where my mom's like why can't it be the new yorker or vanity fair you know yeah you take what you can get mom yeah geez uh but then i remember he was

like i told him some story he's like your mom come out and i was like yeah she comes out but i'll tell a story and i'll see her ducking her head down right like yeah i get that you know he was like so we talked about that wow he talked about i just like oh man you know is he normal on the phone is he like so nice no i mean dude he's like i love sandler growing up oh yeah i had the cds i'm dude those cds are all gonna laugh at you that like got me that got me through some shit oh yeah that made me laugh so hard as a kid yeah yeah you better not do that again the the donkey or whatever oh yeah and then he had the goat the goat and then he had the uh the old man slotting down the slide he's like when his balls came out i jerked off so hard and all the

friends are like what the fuck yeah we all relate to that i know i know it's great he's just so silly man we all love sandler man yeah any yeah it just hits for us like by the way this is going down too smooth too i'm trying to hold back. I mean, I can't hold back. I got a confession. What? This is the bomb I'm going to drop on you. What happened? So I'm going to a wedding, or I'm going to a wedding with the lady this weekend in Massachusetts at the Cape.

You're taking a weekend of stand-up off? A couple days. Damn. And I'll be back Saturday. So I still got spots. Wow. But leaving tonight. Is it a friend of yours hers but she was like block this off she told me a year ago so it's finally here i'm sure you were furious when you got that oh of course of course because you're a fucking and i think i got some momentum going and then you're like oh well we just taped something so chill out for a minute

good point important important and you can just get drunk and not think about it. And it's on the beach, and it's the Cape, and I'll be barefoot and hammered. I'm thinking about the next special I tape, and I'm like, I'm fucking already dreading taking a break. We like to work. Yeah. Yeah, we have good jobs. I need a break, but I'm dreading taking it. I hear you.

It's scary for the shit to hit you. Right. We're drinking on a podcast. It's true. We're pushing some shit down, I'm sureing taking it. I hear you. It's like scary for the shit to like hit you. Right. We're pushing. I mean, we're drinking on a podcast. It's true. Some shit down. I'm sure.

Of course. I mean, look at Kevin Hart. I mean, the guy pumps out so much stuff and you're like, obviously you're running from something. I mean, it's good.

At least you're not doing heroin. You're using it in a good way, but there's a reason you're doing Jumanji nine. But my point is the ninth one is where he has a nervous breakdown. He's like, ah, fuck! When's this game end? Right, right. But I'm going to Massachusetts tonight

and I have to pick up a rental car after this. So this is perfect timing. Are you fucking kidding me? But I will say I'm the best drunk driver this side of the Mississippi. I'm amazing! Cut to this episode gets stalled because there's a new york post article comedian mark norman pulled over well we just talked about

having footage of why can't she drive she can't drive i'm a better drunk driver than she is driver i fucking you're it's still you should let her drive well it's only four hours mark what the fuck you're pounding martinis and you're gonna drive here's the thing i'm gonna pick up the car park it do set sober up have some coffee a diet coke a gyro and then go gyro yeah soak it up i love a gyro love a gyro what do you say when people say it's a hero well because hero is tough because that's a whole different thing that's what i say new york we already have a hero yeah exactly i will be your hero baby um but yeah it's andrew cuomo that's where i hear it uh yeah so uh i'll be driving a kia soul in about one hour yeah but i'll tell you if i it's kind of like uh in in new york

you get bar mitzvahed We get DUIs You get a DUI, you're 13, you knock it out You're a man now Do you have a DUI? Oh yeah, who doesn't? I don't Really? Well I can't really drive

Oh yeah, good point You really have a DUI? Yeah, but it's been expunged I think I got rid of it, I was so young I was on a phone book Just gotta make sure that's not on your first Google page, but you're successful enough. I bet it's not. Well, you know, it's weird.

I did a car commercial for Comedy Central for Toyota Camry. Yeah. And they were like, you don't have a DUI, do you? And I was like, no, no, no. And they let me drive. It was super cool. Brooklyn Bridge. We had all these cameras on me.

I was driving the car. You text Jerry, meet me. I got this great gig. It's on YouTube. You can find this. It's literally like, I don don't know 10 years ago and the commercial came out and they're like wait we found out you have a dui and i'm like yeah what are you gonna do and it was fine it was fine i mean it was already out i got away with it wait we fuck them yeah exactly i made good we got the commercial in the can

yeah i got a du, but it's fine. Well done. That's really the secret is, you know, always lie to the industry. Yes. Because what does it matter? Exactly. Do you have a new hour? You have a clean hour?

Yeah, I got a clean hour. You always say you have a clean hour. Always. Then you show up with a tempo and they're like, what the fuck was that? And you're like, ah, just shut up and pay me. Right, right. You do your third 9-11 joke like jesus my dad died you're like i was not one jew in the building the best is when you're doing a corporate and as you're walking to the stage you're like remember clean and you're like

go fuck yourself you can't tell me on my walk to the stage i know i remember i did a gig for uh an insurance company in uh the schomburg improv oh that's a big room in illinois big and i was on like painkillers and shit because my back and neck were out and i went to the stage like fucking uh i was literally walking like the undertaker like you know and i remember on stage just fucking trying to survive yeah and yeah it's like she's like there's like no language restrictions i go up there and she's like well i didn't mean that she was freaking the fuck out always say that and i was like i by the way the funny thing is i'm clean i'm working clean like up top and it's getting to zilch and then i was like hey let me try this dick sucking joke and it annihilates i'm like

well guess what i'm doing exactly guess which bits i'm doing now and don't you want an entertaining comedian or do you want me to bomb it doesn't make any sense you'd rather the dick jokes we're all adults they'd rather we bomb and they protect themselves so they could be like i'll never do that again good point good point we'll never book that guy again yeah but as a comic you're like i'd like to entertain the audience here this fucking pineapple top notch i'll tell you it's all right you know good good point what really seems to good i uh i gotta keep jogging naked i said what are you doing he said you came home early all right that's a class i gotta get another rodney joke i do that one every time that's

a great joke that's a great joke i'll tell you my mother never breastfed me she told me she liked me as a friend no respect he's the greatest the greatest timeless jokes he's the i think rodney dangerfield's the funniest human being i don't think he might be because he has everything he's got the look the jokes the tie the face this shit he's got the catchphrase he's got it all oh so many good i mean back to school really is the funniest movie oh yeah there's something funny about a guy just i'm going all in on this character. Like, I am this guy. Like, Larry the Cable guy is clearly a character. This is like, I am this.

I've become this thing all the time. Yeah, he's perfect, man. I love it. I got to pee for you, too. Oh, please. So, I got to, it's all bathroom related. I have multiple ones all related to the bathroom, public bathrooms. You ever have that person, you both kind of hit the bathroom at the same time,

and you kind of are like, all right, you go first. Yes. you go first yeah and they take forever yeah like i just gave you the green light you should be and you fucking just took 10 minutes in there and you know i'm out here i did it it's that one's tough i hate that and then uh i what i want to do when they do that shit is just as they walk out just hold up a timer just give them a just a real just right in their face this is what you fucking did yeah after i was kind i know he must that must have been a shit i would it was a it was a woman with her baby so maybe that's why i let him go first that's what it is more important women and children first titanic rules to the bathroom i will give you you that. Yeah. Oh, man. But I guess a woman with a kid is a cheap IP.

Then the baby has to change. Then you put the powder. She fingered herself. She listened to a podcast. No, no, that is fucked up. Yeah. But how could you not let her go? I mean, it's a lady.

What do you do? A lady plus baby. What am I supposed to do? If it was just a lady, I probably would have let her go. Of course. a lady what do you have to do a lady plus baby what am i supposed to do if it was just a lady i probably would have let her go of course even though you guys take longer let's be real we go we give women everything with the bathroom oh the seat is always there i get scolded for leaving the seat down yep i mean for leaving it up oh yeah same that's why i i have mastered peeing with the seat down and i never i never hit it how do you how do you master i got amazing aim i just really well if i do hit it i wipe it up you're steph curry from the outside yes i'm dick curry i just never miss the the bowl the water do you ever just

sit on it i've done that yeah middle of the night i do a six i like to keep the lights out yeah i don't want the lights going on so i'll sit in the middle of the night because I just, I don't want to, the lights are out. I want to stay sleepy. That's a great nickname for you. Sam Lights Out Murill. Ooh, I like it. That's a good basketball name.

Lights Out, baby. Even though only the fans know it's about you urinating like a woman. Wow, Lights Out. How'd he get that name? He shits on the toilet. Larry David had a bit about that. I sit down when I pee, and Jeff was like, you sit down when you pee? He's like, yeah, I read.

He's like, you read? He's like, I pee 11 times a day. I get through a whole New York Times. You know what? I remember that episode. I relate to that. Yeah. I don't sit down every time I pee, but like, yeah, sometimes I'll sit down.

Why not? If it's during the day, I usually stand. But middle of the night, how do you not pee i just i'm i'm just i get over it i put legs around the bowl and i just fucking ac slater that shit yes i do damn you're like you're like fucking your toilet yeah i am i'm fucking the toilet i jizz in the toilet sometimes i've done it all right better than the palm i guess you got that right palm pilot than the Palm, I guess. You got that right. Palm pilot over here. My God, that still irks me. That irks you?

Yeah, the Palm. How I jerk off? The Palm. Wow. Palm Springs. Oh, my God. You ever shoot one into the sink? Oh, yeah. Sink's perfect height.

And you're tall. You're probably hitting a medicine cabinet. Yeah. We got a crusty mirror i look like the elephant man when i take a look why is the faucet sticky that's a good dice type of it why is it sticky shut up uh oh little miss muffet just in the sink oh i put one in the stink that's my dice new dice bit that's a guy who's a little kooky i mean he talked about staying in character yeah that's a character and he does it like uh at the supermarket oh yeah he's the

fucking he's at kroger's i'm in the i'm in the aisle right, we're just trying to check you out. And I'm looking for pineapple. Oh! That's a good pull with the Kroger because they don't have those here. You went regional. I went regional. Good for you. Where is Kroger?

They have Kroger in Cleveland? I think he's from Cleveland. Is he? Let's hit the Wendy's. Dude. Oh, damn. Just like a Wendy's employee. I got lots of bathroom or perpives okay give me another one you ever do a unisex bathroom yeah it's cleveland kroger we go to uh

you ever use the unisex bathroom and you go in first thank you dad you go in first now i'm saying and then you come out but like someone you go in but someone took a fucking god-awful dump in there so then you come out you pee and someone gives you a look like thanks oh yeah i feel like harrison ford and the fugitive i'm like it wasn't me why are you doing this to me yeah it was a one-armed man he shit his brains out that's uh that's uh i mean louis has a bit about that that's why what's his bit well thank you it was on fx where uh he's waiting for the bathroom big j goes in shits it up and then some other guy goes in and skips louis and then he

comes out he's like gee what you doing there louis like no i haven't been in yet it was it was on the show it's a louis bit yeah it was on the show interesting yeah that's that's a real thing happens in the airport airplane a lot when the guy there's two bathrooms you know that's a tough one yeah i've never shit in an airplane bathroom never i never have to shit an airplane it's never come out of coffee nut that's what oh that's what it is i i go through coffees just to stay alert airport all shit but airplane i don't know it ain't pleasant no the knees sometimes i have to sit down to piss in those air i'm sick three i mean you're getting that tiny little thing oh yeah i turn to the hunchback of notre dame don't get me started on you ever pee on a bus i mean it's like. It's a fucking core workout. Yeah, it really is. This Greyhound or P90X.

Brutal. It's true. I mean, something about that bus. It's just, you're just wiggling because they're swerving on I-98 and you're like peeing all over the place. It's like backdraft with a fire hose. It's tough. It's brutal. I hate buses.

I took them for so many years. I remember doing gigs. I puked in so many fucking bus passes. It's brutal. I hate buses. I took them for so many years. I remember doing gigs. I puked in so many fucking bus passes. Oh, same, same. Those hungover rides. It's funny. When you're hungover and puking, you're all over that rim. You know, you're just like, I don't care anymore.

Fuck it. You got your forearms up there. Your face is in the water. And you're like, who gives a shit? I'm soaking up feces, and I don't give a fuck. You're praying Allah. Yes, exactly. You're bent over. Your face is in the water and you're like who gives a shit i'm i'm soaking up feces and i don't give a fuck yes exactly bent over your face is in the fucking toilet oh hey wait what is this what is this is me keeping you under the limit if you're driving ah what is it that's a tonic water with just like a tiny tiny core even not even a quarter ounce of capari just for color but is there liquor

in here just like i said all right quarter ounce damn for the best mark i hate to lose the martini that was so good but you could have told me man no i want to play ball here this is why driving's stupid still my job to keep you in the limit thank god they don't breathalyze at the avis public transit for life hell yeah yeah like a mark's ain't mark's name't they don't revelize the avis meanwhile he fucking stumbles in yeah like yeah sir maybe we're not gonna rent you this car this is arthur three i'm doing oh fuck arthur is the best oh why they remake that movie they almost remade back to school oh is that right why are you remaking a movie you gotta if you remake it you gotta make it different you can't just remake a movie and then just say helen mirren is john giggler that's not different enough no these cowards in hollywood

they're too scared to try a new movie but don't you realize we got arthur arthur was new so you do a new thing that's a fucking great movie great the first half of that movie is all stand-up when he's sitting down with a hooker it's he's just jokes he rolls down the window jokes joe it's all jokes i'm a hooker oh I'm sorry I thought I was just doing really well with you just great jokes Dudley Moore man killer I mean did he do much else

well what other classic Dudley Moore movies he was in a lot of shit he was in a lot of shit oh he was in that Christmas movie he was an elf and something no he ruled he was a drunk right oh yeah oh yeah I think he was like 5'1 yeah he ruled he was a drunk right oh yeah oh yeah i think it was like five one two he's like a little guy why is it manelli's great in that movie john giggler i think won the oscar for it what i don't know but i don't know maybe it was a huge movie when

it came out yeah and that's fun you get old new york shots in that too which i love speaking of seinfeld dads we get jerry's dad in that movie that's right that's right yeah yeah old new york cop by the way was he yeah he was a cop turned actor same with dennis farina oh really yeah whoa farina's underrated so underrated give him a goog at home he's i mean arena every snatch uh get shorty out of sight out of sight one of my f So good. He's so good in Midnight Run as the villain. He's so good. I mean, he was either a criminal or a cop and everything. He's on Law and Order later in his career.

Totally. What else is he in? He's in fucking everything. He's in a ton of movies. He's a great character actor. Damn, he was a legend. Legend. So funny.

Great delivery. Great voice. Great look. Yeah, he's great in Get Shorty. Get Shorty's underrated, too. Love Get get shorty that's another one they remade well tv for tv it was pretty good though oh was it well if you're doing a tv show it's different because you you can go to a deeper place that's true tv shows i'm fine with you doing a movie version of because it's like if it's look at like fargo it's not the movie fargo you just took the tone of fargo

and made true and the show's good the show's good i'm just saying if you're gonna do the exact same fucking movie and it's like when i love gus van sant no disrespect to gus van sant when he did a shot for shot remake of psycho it's like well what's the point of this you're just doing the shot for shot remake in color yeah Yeah, I know. I like that I like that that bomb because it's like a cover song. We got it already. If you cover it, cover it differently.

Yes. Do something like cover Sea of Love the way Tom Waits did it. And that way I'm like, okay, this is a different song. Right. Good point. Good point. There's a couple great covers out there. Rarely is the cover better than the original, but sometimes it happens. Yeah.

What's a cover that's better than the original? I bet you could give that a goog. Covers that are better than the original. Covers that are better than the original. It's rare, but they're out there. Guns N' Roses is not going to have Endured pretty damn good. That's true. But it's not better than The Stones.

No, is that Stones? Who did it? I thought it was The Beatles. No, maybe you're right. It might have been The Stones. Knockin' on Heaven's Door. I've been drinking. I think Tainted Love has been covered like a million times.

That original sucked. I hate that song. Guns N' Roses? Who was the original? Oh, give us give us uh he's looking at porn out there his match dick is out it's disgusting matt what give us uh uncut uncut gem give us uh give us some chaffee brothers get it chaffee all right give us uh covers that are better than the original because that's to me interesting yeah i think they're out there uh johnny cash hurt wait who's the original nine inch nails right no i think cash is better i think cash is better too

but who so nine inch nails covered it? No, no. Cash didn't come up with that song. Who did? I think Nine Inch Nails, right? No. Cash is 800 years old. Yeah, but he covered it when he was old as shit. Oh, wait.

I'm confused. All right. This guy's got a microphone from the AOL days. What's going on over here? You got 18 mics in here. You got to get yourself one. Look at that thing. We're on the fucking one train here. What the hell is going on over here you gotta get you got 18 mics in here you can't get you gotta get yourself one look at that thing it's out of a fucking one train what the hell is going on uh i gotta give you a peeve yeah uh let's guys you'll get it while we're doing it all right here's a peeve and this is from a guy we know he does this shit all the time because he wants to look cool i think hate to look cool yeah so i'm sitting this guy, and it's kind of just me and him,

so we're like, I know, it's amazing. So I'm like, all right, let me make some conversation. So I'm trying to be nice and converse and make small talk, and I go, hey, I saw on the internet, didn't you do a college gig on Monday? And he goes, what? No. And I'm like, oh, shit, I don't know where i got i thought i saw you doing a college gig what was i thinking it was on long island on monday and he was like no what are you talking about i'm like ah shit i don't know what i was thinking and i go i thought

you did a college he goes yeah that was tuesday and i'm like all right so i i had everything right but the day and you're acting like i'm and i was a day off yeah exactly like oh you had a college gig on monday he's like no did you cheat on me do you cheat on me on monday no are you fucking kidding me i cheated on you on monday tuesday yeah yeah i cheated on you on tuesday yes exactly i was like okay you act like i fucking uh called your mom a whore and i had the day wrong but could you meet me halfway and go, yeah, I did do a college gig. I would just go, yeah, yeah, I did.

It was awesome or it sucked. To just go, no. He looked at me like I was crazy. That's a huge peeve. You know what I mean? People are not meeting you halfway. That's the peeve. You know what we're doing here.

Don't be too fucking cool for school. The guy who relishes in the fuck up you know like you get some guy from nebraska he comes out here and he goes excuse me sir he's got a big map out he's got a plaid shirt on and shorts and he goes where is a houston street you're not gonna go i don't know oh there is no houston street now you're gonna go oh it's it's houston but it's a block away and that's the end of it but to like relish in the fuck up I hate that what what did you just say yeah Houston Street yes hey honey get a load of this guy he just said Houston Street exactly shut the fuck up you know what he meant that's all I'm saying that drives me nuts yeah and uh the dick move it's a dick move I yeah I don't like people

they're too cool for school move, dude. I can't have another one of these. Are you making me a third? I'm going to be fucking hammered. Trust me, I want... Boy, we killed the whole bottle, basically. It's only 10 ounces. It sounds cooler to say I killed the bottle.

When we have a bigger bottle, we'll make sure to kill the bottle. I will bring the bigger bottle. It's sitting on my coffee table. I fucked up we go no full bottle that's how we do it yeah you fucked up i'm not mad at you though it happens well he pulled it together thank god you pulled it together you're the glue yes you're the dream on green of this year pod just don't snap on us that guy's got a temper i love that guy by the way there's a new uh malice in the palace you watch that i can't wait man it's out oh it's out it's out yeah oh yeah i was

alex english our buddy was uh at that game as a kid whoa they ran into the crowd man what was that oh five oh eight oh four maybe i don't know it was something like that it was the that year the pacers were good enough to win it and the pistons i think won or i don't but something like that maybe the spurs won that year but like the pacers were fucking locked and they were rocking reggie miller oh yeah he should be pissed because that was like he was old on that team he still played but he's old and they had ron artest and who was like the guy who started that shit. But I love, Artest's a New York guy.

You love him. I mean, he's like a, you saw that doc on him. I did, yeah. Badass. He's a special guy too. He's got mental health stuff, but he's a special.

I wrote a part for him in this show I made. I hope I make it someday. Whoa. He was like basically like, it's basically a guy who gets canceled and he's his sponsor because

he's been through it and that was a pretty fun part i love ron artest man there's a great a great moment in that in the malice in the palace where uh you know one guy threw a beer on him that's what started everything yeah and so ron artest goes out into the crowd and just hits a guy but he didn't hit the wrong guy and then then they interview the guy. They're like, did you feel bad when he hit someone else and not you? And the guy goes, no, I was relieved. This giant guy. So honest. Yeah, it was a great

comedy moment. So you've watched this? I saw probably the first half, but it's fun. And you liked it? It's great. It's great. Even if you're not a huge basketball guy, I just like the way they put those documentaries together and I can get in anything. My mission will be to get you into basketball i mean i do like it i went to a knicks game i was i was on the edge of my seat the whole time i love it man knicks till i die man all day but uh not a nets guy huh no way all right i respect i love the

players individually like i thinkant is like a fucking... They put him up there with the greats. He's incredible. Harden, Kyrie, they're just like... It's insane how good they all are. I can't not think that they're special and I love them, but I'm a Knicks fan until I fucking died.

Yeah. Well, here's my thing about athletes. Randall's my favorite player. I love Drew. Really? All time? Right athletes. Randall's my favorite player. I love Jiu-Jitsu. Really? All time? Right now. Right now. Ewing's my favorite player all time. Oh.

Starks, Ewing, Oakley, Mace, those are my favorite players. Sprewell. Do you go into the personal life, or are you just talking about the physical play? Oh, I just love how they play. Yeah. Okay. I mean, and then reading the books, I love the 70s, Nick. just love how they play yeah i mean like and then like reading the books i love the 70s next like the they were like this team of guys who i mean to be a mixed race team in the 60s and have the

best chemistry is like kind of powerful that is cool you know like walt clyde frazier and willis reed and willis reed hobbling onto the court on one like this before twitter so in the championship he couldn't walk and everyone's like he's done whoa and he fucking hobbled onto the court on one, like this before Twitter. So in the championship, he couldn't walk and everyone's like, he's done. And he fucking hobbled onto the court and played to be like, I'll fucking energize the team. And to this day, every article is like,

it's the loudest any buildings. Wow. Cause to see him come out, they were like, this is heroic. I'm getting chills. Yeah. And then,

and then Walt Frazier, who's like my fucking favorite. He's just the coolest. He's the broadcaster now, but he's won two championships the knicks it's our only two championships ever 69 70 72 73 are only two championships 50 fucking years man yeah that's a dude but uh you know frazier went off for like i think it was like 36 points 19 assists insane game to win the championship over the Lakers. And Willis Regis played like two plays.

He came out and hit the first two shots, and he couldn't walk, so they subbed him out. But just him playing gave the Knicks the energy to do it. Wow. So cool. Wait a minute. I mean, ignorant, stupid, non-sport guy question. What do you think it is? I mean, one sentence answer, why is there a 50-year gap?

We got this amazing city with all these amazing, with money who can get good players, get good coaches, maybe the best arena in America. What is it we can't bang it out? Hiring the wrong people for a long time. I mean, what happened with, here's what happened.

The seventies, we won eighties. We just weren't good. Eighties. We draft Patrick Ewing. Then we get you in. It was incredible. He's like the number one pick.

It was insane that we got the number one people consider. They call it rig that New York. It's the number one, even though we never fucking get it. And then the nineties, we had to go against Jordan. So it's like bad timing. It's like no one beat Jordan. Right, but what about 2005 to now?

A lot of problems. Hiring a lot of the wrong people in the front office. A lot of issues. Damn. It's tough, man. You see the Yankees. I know it's a different sport, but it's like. Well, there's no salary cap in baseball.

Oh, okay. You can just buy people. Got it, got it. The Knicks, I mean, you look at all these Forbes highest ranked franchises, and the Knicks are always in the top five, even though we never. And we're the only team in the top five that doesn't win. That's what I'm saying. Of any sport.

It's odd. I'm not just saying. Well, because people, we're starved. New York's a basketball city because you go to every block and you're like, there's a fucking court every three blocks in the city. It's a basketball city. Yes. So there's a lot of basketball cities.

Chicago. Sure. You know, California is, you know, a lot of great players come out of LA. A lot of great players come out of Texas. A lot of players come from all over. But it's in this fucking city's DNA. I know. That's why it's so...

And I know, obviously, drafting comes from all over. But like... We'll get good again. All right. It just takes time, man. All right. We got good people now. I'm a psycho.

I'm a psycho fan. I like that. Because a lot of people fall off when they're not winning. No. I fucking... I go harder. Good. Because that's when you fall off

you show your true colors when things are bad man you'll never get a divorce no matter how bad it gets just staying in there you know you're like 50 years we'll get another ring these glasses are great by the way look at that isn't that cool but these were a gift from someone i don't know where they came from did we get a did we get a cover all right matt, Matt fell asleep. We got all these. We should read this one. We should plug this wine that people... So we've got to drink this one episode. When we don't have a bartender, we don't have Dan, we'll drink this right here. Argyle. I got this.

Blanc de Blanc. The White of Whites, which is what I call my album. They call it Charlottesville. Yeah, this looks like good. You know what? It's sparkling wine, 100% Chardonnay from Oregon.

But they say champagne has got to be from Champagne, France. Huh. You ever heard that? It's got to be from a region. I don't know. I don't love champagne. Really? I don't.

It's just like for me, it's like a huge hangover. I mean, look, it's good. I just prefer, if I'm going to be hungover, I'd rather have, I like wine a lot. Yeah. I'm a wino, man. Wine's fun to get fucked up. You do like wine. It's fun to get fucked up on wine. White?

I go red usually. Yeah, see, I find that hangover to be bad too. Red wine is fun as hell. I find that. It's a good drunk. It's a little loopy, goofy, fun. It's my favorite. I mean, bourbon, I love a good martini's a little loopy goofy fun it's my favorite to get i mean like bourbon

i love i love a good martini i love bourbon whiskey i love i go wine over beer personally i like beer beer is great but like if i'm gonna get fucked up i'm like i want i want to get i want to drink a lot of wine all right all right i wish i liked i like a white but uh red in the winter is just like man it's like a cold night out you just have a fucking bottle you're just getting hammered yeah it looks good it looks good just something but it's too thick i love beer too i just something about wine no i get it i get i'm the weirdo every lady likes wine every every guy i know my parents love wine i just wine is just uh it's a good drunk like it is a good drunk like i value it's not just the taste but like how it makes you feel and

you get a good uh you get a good buzz going it's a sexy buzz too do you like wine i like certain types of wine and i would love to convert you into a wine drinker right try me i i want to get into it it's everywhere i think you'd like just something simple like a dry riesling which is nice like a dry white no i'm i'm on board with his girlfriend's also a dry white you got that i should have said god damn ah that's fine it's all labels yeah oh what do you got on there uh i figure i brought in your wine horizons and get you to stop drinking that natural wine stuff this is the real deal anytime you have any wine questions you have a certified sommelier a text away wow i have pin so it's official i don't know what pin is that's some kind of certification i don't know what pin is That's some kind of certification Pin

Yeah Well this is my buddy Craig He was my camp counselor when I was a little kid And he stayed in touch That's adorable Yeah he's a great guy I love Craig Jews love camp We took back

The way black people took back the N word We took back camp Write that down That's big We took back, the way the word, the way black people took back the word, the N word, we took back camp. Which we did. Write that down. That's big. But no, he was great. Except I can say camp. I remember he chased me around the bunk once.

We were sweeping duties. We had like, you know, duties to sweep. And he got really mad at me once. He chased me all over. And I ran with the broom and I ran through the door with it horizontally. And I just knocked my window. Oh, man. Another time, same counselor.

Wholesome fun. Another time, I jumped off a dam. Wow. And I landed on a rock. And he was like, I'm going to get fired. What happened? I was okay. I think it was like a sprained ankle or something.

Wow. I landed like very luckily. You were going for the water. Yeah. Wow. Damn, that's wild. Yeah. That's my biggest nightmare.

You know, when people jump off the cliff or whatever, and then they're like, dude, your head was an inch away from a rock. You're like, ah. Or maybe there's a rock an inch below the water you just didn't see. I'm like, I'm good with all that stuff. We take enough risks in our life. Yeah. Flying every week, I'm like, one of these has got to go down you think

the odds they're against us and then you're like how you don't hear a lot of plane crashes anymore thank god no knock on whatever the hell that was yeah sheetrock yeah but malaysia it feels like planes disappear did we ever find that malaysian i know it's like a this is like a hack bit from 14 years ago i think it just it? I think it's gone. Yeah. When you don't hear from it, it doesn't go into it. That'd be a great, that's the new Amazon Prime show, right? The people from the Malaysian plane in another dimension.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's why Bermuda Triangle bit that never worked. It's like, it was just a scary thing, and now we fixed it, I guess. Yeah. But, hey. We are brought to you by sheath underwear this keeps your ball off your leg two pouches one for your dick one for your balls keeps the ammo separate from the gun this is great underwear i actually use this this is my girlfriend's favorite underwear this gets me laid this underwear supportive sexy looking i really do this is my favorite underwear i'm not just saying this i'm not just saying this because they're paying us money i really think there's quality underwear uh the idea from sheath came from the founder u.s army soldier

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I got a couple, actually. Hit me. You got a million peeves. I got a million recs. I don't know if I have any recs right now. Here we go. I don't know where you stand on this. Uh-oh.

Look what's coming at you. Oh, baby. He's just putting it there. Wow. You reached for that thing quick. No hesitation. That was awesome. I'll tell you. at you oh baby he's just putting it there wow you reach for that thing quick no hesitation that was awesome i'll tell you here's a wreck i gave my doctor a urine sample and an olivine i'll tell you i don't want to say my ex-wife was fat but uh her belly button had an echo

um here's a wreck get an electric toothbrush everybody oh yeah yeah i love them gotta do i brush my teeth for 18 minutes joe listen like what are you doing you get an electric you knock it out in four seconds hit every tooth it's great great for you oral b electric charge it every night you're good to go damn that was my nickname in prison oral b but i uh yeah no i love a uh i love an electric toothbrush game changer i love you got one oh it's oh yeah i've had it for years i'm way behind i got one for my girlfriend she was like i'm not into it at first and i was kind of like are you fucking kidding me really she kind of was like this is just like i don't like how it feels in my teeth and uh now she's never looked back.

Yeah, no, they're just better. They're not even that expensive anymore. No, they're cheap. But I've never put, I'm like Bob Dylan. I'm acoustic. We sound like we're like, this sounds like we're compromised after this wreck. This sounds like we're in like partnership with Big Dental or something. Also, you know, you guys, my wreck is flossing.

Those little picks. Yeah. Flossing is nice, though. It is. It is. But apparently not as everybody's got to floss every day. Apparently, it's like once a week. It's fine.

Really? That's what the new studies are saying. It's been so much. You eat corn, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Corn and pork. If I eat barbecue, it's all in the cracks.

Good barbecue, man. I'll be in. I'll be in. Well, no, actually, that's St. Louis. St. Louis good barbecue man i'll be in i'll be in can uh well no actually that's st louis st louis coming up i'll be in uh they have great barbecue i'll be yeah missouri's got legit barbecue for sure yeah oh yeah that was uh my nickname in college dry rub but uh i don't even know what that means but yeah get some barbecue get it get an oral b and uh get your teeth clean what about you what do you got a wreck i don't know if i have one this week man i've been watching a lot of

you know what i got a wreck actually uh-huh i'm such a big fan of tim robinson oh everybody's raving about this season leave i've never watched it oh i think he's like i love sam richardson too who they so my rec i i think you should leave you should definitely watch on netflix i'm watching detroiters man god damn they're funny together they're just fucking matt have you seen this shit everybody's raving i mean it's just pure fun the episodes are like 15 minutes it's just it's just fun dude there's a couple i'm texting with my boy phil hanley and phil's like there's a sloppy steaks episode in the second season that's all you need to know all right and like phil's like that's the hardest i think i've ever laughed

like it's it's and it got me so hard like i was like i'm watching sorry i'm a child but i'm gonna watch i was dying dude if you two like it i'll check it out it's really good it's really fun everybody on twitter people i respect are like this show is amazing it's amazing it's just so funny it's like any sketch show like it's hit or miss and no sketch show bats a thousand but it hits, it hits on another level because his commitment is, I love Tim Robinson. Yeah. That guy rules. No, he's great. He's great.

And such a funny looking guy. Like he just looks, when you see him, you're like, this guy's funny. He does, the way Sandler did shit in the 90s where it was like, he would commit to just being a lunatic. Yes. Where like, he'd be like just screaming and he'd be howling as a kid. Yeah. It's that type of funny. Okay.

He's found a new type of character. Right, right. Where he just will fuck with people. It's almost like he... It's a great inspiration where you're like, oh, I need to follow my gut on stuff. With stand-up even, I mean. Because he'll take

such a small minute thing and stretch it to the limit all right i'll check it out people are raving i think he's awesome and uh yeah he's the best all right and it's it's on netflix i think you should leave is on netflix and uh detroiters is on the i think the comedy central app maybe paramount Plus so good luck with that one but yeah I'm watching it and I'm loving it all right loving it I'm in I'm in I'm gonna check it out good rec yeah good day now uh geez I don't know how long we've been oh we gotta do a bit yeah are we going long what time is it I think we're right on time you know yeah uh let's see bit bit well you got something I have an idea so I think this're right on time. I'll tell you, we're all right, you know? Yeah. Let's see.

Bit. Bit. You got something? I have an idea. So I think this could maybe be stretched further. Did I ever try this bit on you? Hit me. It's the problem with this podcast.

We drink, so I don't know what the hell I've said before. I don't know where I am. So I had this bit about how, first off, I was talking to a friend, and he was trying to sound progressive about the trans thing, and he was like, look use you know he's trying to sound progressive about the trans thing and he was like look man i get i'll play along i'm like yeah you're not as progressive as you think saying i'll play along i don't think they're grateful that you're like yeah you're a woman wink wink i'm playing along here you know what i mean right so that's one part of it the other part is like how i just think that's a i think i love the idea of being like no i get it i'll play along right you're not i'm on to you they're not they're not grateful for that comment i'm sure but also uh but maybe laugh and then also that's funny the thing about like i get uh trans people because uh

with this voice i identify as a much stronger man ah you know what i mean like i like i i should not be this cowardly right voice i should be in a much stronger man oh that's good that's good i mean yeah yeah you're six three you got the deepest voice hairy chest like hairy chest is what they say like that'll put hair on your chest but it's like a manly thing yeah and you're like i can't even drive yeah you know i'm not a man well that's funny you identify you come off as a man well i do all the things men do i think i mean i drank i don't drive though so well you're very manly you drink and drive that's true i combine them yeah no no i like that that's funny so would you identify as not a man or maybe you look like a man but identify as not maybe on paper for the most part i can't fix it though though you know

yeah i think i think on a superficial level they're like he's a man but i'm not yeah it's like how people go you look like a man you're like no but i identify as a woman you're like you look like a man you're like i identify as as a as a boy i identify as a weakling yeah there you go ability to fix things yeah yeah oh that's good i identify as a man who needs to call maintenance a lot right right yeah that's the real you what do you got that's you inside uh this could be horrible uh this is a stretch of a bit because we're doing these back to back so i didn't feel like i had i really had a lot of time to come up with this but i think i got something here and feel free to shoot this down my friend is his hair is receding really bad

but he's in denial about it like his girlfriend's like oh maybe you should get rogaine or keeps or one of those things and he's like nah i'm fine and he almost sounds like a guy who is in denial about climate change because he's losing coastline it's like the facts are there like you can see photos like here's a photo of a glacier in 88 and here's a photo of a glacier now and then it's the same with his hair like look at you in 88 it goes back an inch every year it's your your ice caps are melting and he still won't believe it wow is that anything it's interesting it's a bit of a leap i get it but no it's like climate change the the the proof is there i like that the proof is there but he still won't buy it

and his girlfriend it's a climate change denier when it's the person who's most affected by climate change right right because it's like right it's like missing something no but the fact that it's it's like you're like if uh the southern coast of florida was like this isn't real right with your hairline right yeah yeah like uh ah it's tough because i thought about something maybe with like the hair you know people say like don't people like it hotter and people go well don't people like it bald don't women like bald guy i don't know maybe there's something there but some women like bald guys but uh yeah yeah yeah it's a kind of's a pretty high concept and a bit of a stretch, but he sounds just like a denier. Yeah, you won't.

Like, you could still, you know, it's like, why don't we do something? Why don't we recycle? And you're like, why don't you get Rogaine? He's like, nah, that ain't real. Either way, they might just be lazy. That might be the core of it. Why don't you recycle? Eh, it'll work itself out.

You're like, it's not. I'm looking at you. You need to get yourself a mirror right right yeah yeah i don't know what would climate change deniers say if he believes in the climate maybe he believes that it's a problem coming up oh so he believes in that but not we need to do something about but not this. We need to do something about this. She's like, we need to do something about this. Aha. That might be actually easier to swallow. This affects me right now. Right. Climate change will affect your kids.

This could make everything wet. She's like, I'm definitely not wet. Aha. See, when I did it to the crowd, I could tell they were like, ah, what do you mean? I don't know where you're going. It's not a short swing yet. Yes. I need to make it simplified. So that might be a better way yeah like he's worried about that but not this yeah

one of them is is now the other one is gonna be bad i don't know it's an idea text me if you got an idea i get all these nice messages there for sure yeah i finally got the old man hungover thing working so there's been a few that i've tried on here that are working that the engagement thing killed last night yeah i got some new shit hidden there uh so everything's good man it just takes a minute with these bits yeah people at home don't know how hard it is to write new material it's tough because i'm i'm working on other stuff now too. You know, we do this. You have your other podcasts. I have another podcast.

Right. We- You're writing a show or working on a sitcom or movie. Yeah, we're doing a lot of stuff, so it's hard. And then, you know, we're tired a lot from just travel. So I think like your brain, and yeah, I'm sure the booze is not helping, but it does help also.

Sometimes you need to shut down. That's true. You got to turn off. It's like a computer. You leave it on too much. You're like, this is going slow. Yes. Same with the brain.

Every once in a while, you got to shut down, whether it be a drink or five, Call of Duty, whatever shit you do. Yeah, exactly. Do you play video games ever? Sentinel. No, I'm not a video game guy, and I'm glad I'm not. Yeah. uh no i'm not a video game guy and i'm glad i'm not yeah because i got hooked on candy crush for a while and my girlfriend my ex-girlfriend at the time was like you gotta stop like you just

sit there and i'll i'll be like oh fuck it's 5 a.m and then you lose all the day because you sleep all day so like is that game fun it's just fun and addictive and your brain it gets right in your head and i just had to delete it off my phone i'm not one of those guys who's like i had to delete twitter i can shut that shit off but candy crush i just kept going you're on the train you're on a plane it's funny that you're like i have a problem with candy crush i've literally watched how much you drink and you've never told me you have an alcohol problem yeah and you're like fucking candy crush man it got me man me it got me and i and this is're like fucking candy crush man it got me man getting

me it got me and i and this is you know 10 years ago but it got me good and i just never played it since i had to like go to rehab for candy crush should we plug dates yes what do you got let's see i don't know this must come out in what october well we really backlogged here. No, not this weekend. The following one. Okay, okay. Well, I'm in Appleton this weekend. Skyline. Haven't been there in years. I don't even remember what it's like. I'll be in Michigan.

I'll be right by close to you. I'll be in Royal Oak this weekend. There you go. Wisconsin, Nashville, West Palm Beach, New Orleans. Going home to see the folks. Atlanta. Portland, Madison, Wisconsin. A lot of fun dates. Come on by.

Check it out. Oh, Boston and Providence. Royal Oak, Michigan this weekend at the Comedy Castle. Laugh Boston. Underrated club. Can't wait. Punchline Atlanta. Millersville, Pennsylvania, Helium in Philadelphia,

Moon Tower in Austin. I got St. Louis, Helium, Indianapolis, Helium, Blue Room in October. I got fucking Denver. Nice. So many weekends. There's some I'm forgetting here.

San Francisco's on sale for Cobb it's November we're announcing something with the New York Comedy Festival hey maybe a live app who knows then we got stand up live Phoenix so much shit I'm forgetting some but go to samoreal.com

slash shows oh and I'll see you at Red Rocks speaking of Denver with Bert that'll be a bananas. When's that? That's in like a month, so that's actually September 8th. So that's coming. That'll be around the corner. Then we're going to Jimmy Buffett the next night. Dude, that's wild. Gonna be nuts.

But yeah, comedy's fun. Come on out. Don't kill yourself. Keep drinking. Subscribe to the Patreon. Patreon.com slash WeMightBeDr and uh email us we might be drunk pod at gmail.com we read them on the patreon you guys are sending us awesome packages at gotham studios on 38th street hell yeah thank you to gotham studio thank you to matt uh dan best i mean we should have had him plug something before he left here but oh yeah I mean he got us nice and loose yeah I forgot his last name but look up Dan he's a bartender we thanks for all the

tequila stuff Jamie Lynn and uh yeah send it in we'll drink it we'll eat it we'll talk about it take it easy