We Might Be Drunk - Ep 38: The Golden Gate Bridge

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

This episode is sponsored by Better Help. We got Salacuse in studio giving stuff a Goog for us. Thanks to Argyle Wine for getting us drunk. Thanks to Matt (a different person from Salacuse) for producing and Gotham for hosting. Send us emails [e-mail] Send us packages: Gotham Podcast Studio 39 West 38th Street, 10th Fl New York, NY 10018 Join the Patreon for bonus episodes weekly and more bonus content: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Hey, hey, here we are folks, we might be drunk, we're back, it's good to see you, Sam, you look great, you look fit. We might be drunk. We're back. It's good to see you. Sam, you look great. You look fit. Good to be back, baby.

You look fit. Thank you. I've never been in worse shape. I got AIDS. Well, your bad shape is at least thin. Thank you. Herniated disc. Right here, baby.

Woo! MRI came back. HD. That's what we're in. But the chest hair is popping out. I've always wanted a chest hair pop out. Is it too much? No.

It's only one button. It's one button. Just call me Armenian and get it over with, will you? Genocide. But no, I think it's good. My girl's always like, I wish you had a little more chest hair. Really? Oh, she lays it out there.

She's like, give me two more inches of dick, some chest hair, and an inch of height. And I'm like, all right, I get it. My girlfriend says a little less dick and a little less hair. I'm like, alright, I get it. My girlfriend says a little less dick and a little less hair. Oh, that's a good place to be. No, I once had a girlfriend who said she wanted me to shave my chest.

I was like 21 so I did it. It was weird. I remember my brother was like, what the fuck happened? She judged me hard. It looks weird. My dad is the hair like, what the fuck happened? He judged me hard. It looks weird. My dad is the hairiest guy on the planet, and he shaved one time, and I was like, I'm moving out. This is gross. You're not a man.

So you shaved your chest? No, no. He did. I was like, this is horrific. It grossed me out as a young boy seeing your hero, this manly guy, bear. I was like, ah, what are you, trans? What's going on here? It was a bummer.

Yeah, that's rough. Damn. Yeah, he's a hairy guy. Huge package, you know, military. Yeah. Forearms, like, giant, like, Popeye. Scary dude. Did he ever choke you?

A few times. From the, he'd do the back choke, like, get in that fucking car, and you're like, ah, don't hurt me, Dad. You know that Dad energy? You've had it with your son. You have Dad energy. Look at those forearms. Oh, yeah.

He got that choke in his son. Yeah, it was like the Bart Simpson. Well, yeah, Dad, do you ever have one of these from your dad? That'll fucking demonstrate that. I get a lot of wrist grabs oh my dad would never hit me he would i got more of the liberal parent we're not mad we're disappointed oh that hurts worse it hurts way worse i'd rather you hit me with a switch my mom would cry be like this is horrible you know but i get the wrist grab occasionally nothing worse than the mom going

you're hurting him you hear that you're like oh that's bad that's a bad family the only thing worse is if she yells at and you're hard yeah my gal once i one time i had to yell at a cabbie because he was like he tried to i accidentally put a hundred bucks in the tip on accident oh and he was like sorry i can't help you and i was like you better change that fucking thing help you. And I was like, you better change that fucking thing. And she was like, that was so hot. You stood your ground. I was like, wow, women are fucking weird. What are you ladies like? We have no idea what women want.

You're choking him later in the night. She tells you to choke her. It's weird. Yeah. Now I'm like getting Ubers. I'm like, yell at me. I'm like trying to lie to him in the text to start getting laid. Start shit, please.

I'll give you five stars. Just call me a weak man. I'll show you what's what. Right, right shit please yeah i'll give you five stars just call me call me a weak man yeah i'll show you what's what right right yeah i'll tip you later but yeah no respect in my household i mean my dad choked me but only during sex i gotta tell you there we go yeah my wife and i were happy for 20 years then we met all right no respect that's a great line rodney's the best he's the best he's king, and I think he's coming up on birthday. 100 years. Ooh, very exciting.

100 years of Rodney, baby. Yeah, yeah, very exciting. Wow, that's crazy. Jacob Cohen, real name. Yeah. From Queens. I'll tell you. No respect as a kid.

My mother, she got morning sickness after I was born. I'll tell you. Wait, what is it? I'm going to blow it. My doctor said, you're unhealthy. He said, I'm going to get a second opinion. All right, you're ugly too. That's a classic.

That's a classic. That's a perfect one. Yeah. Damn. Speaking of it, he was molested. He said it was like a neighborhood pedophile that would drive around. Yeah. He would drive around?

Drive around the neighborhood. He would kiss him on the mouth and he would just like make out with him every day yeah he would get you know he'd be like get in the car little boy and then he would fuck with him whatever but uh so when he was young he got respect oh my god yeah so that's what that aretha franklin song is about i had no idea. But yeah, child porn, speaking of kiddie, Nirvana kid, 30 years old, the little boy swimming with the dong out in the pool, suing as calling it child porn. Is it?

I mean, it's art or child porn. I thought it was art. It's a poster, right? Well, here's the rub. If it is declared child porn, we all bought it. I bought that album. Weird to see. Here's the rub right before you is declared child porn, we all bought it. I bought that album. Weird to see. Here's the rub right before you talk about child porn.

There was a rub. Yeah, I rubbed one out to that poster. Does that mean that Tower Records had kiddie porn in their store? I guess so. I guess so, yeah. Isn't that crazy? We all bought child porn. I'm a proprietor of kiddie porn.

I saw this ad, though, and he was in the pool doing a shoot for it. He's looking for a little cash. Maybe. $2.5 million is a lot of money. You want to talk about who had problems. It's hard to sue the guy. Kurt Cobain killed himself. You weren't more fucked up than the guy whose music it was.

Good point. Good point. That's all I'm saying. Also, you could spin it to a positive. Every girl you hook up with, you're at a bar, you're like, I'm the kid, and it's gotten bigger. That's an in, baby. I'm the kid and it's gotten bigger. You know, like that's an end, baby.

I was in the pool. Or even worse. I'm a kid. It's the same size. Oh God. Yeah. That was a tiny dong, but they're all tiny at that age. No,

no baby is a giant dong. Ah. Really? Did you hear about the kid who needed surgery? Pull it up. There we go. Wait, wait,

we gotta get a drink. I need a drink. Yeah, I need a drink. This is, we didn't drink this last week. We opened the package. It's the Argyle sparkling wine from my buddy Craig, who came out to my shows in Portland this weekend.

He was my camp counselor when I was a little kid. Great guy. And yeah, I'm touched that he sent us his package. Wait, don't say camp counselor and touch to the same sentence. And package. Yeah, we're talking about kiddie porn over here. Are we going to get a big Peter North here, or is this just going to come off? Oh!

Mazel Tov. Very exciting. Pop the cherry. There you go. That looks good. Sparkling rosé. I've never had this. Now, rosé is a little bit of a housewife thing, isn't it?

I feel like it is. Are we house... I mean, it's during the day. This is all right. It's a summer drink. We've been drinking a lot of, like, you know, hard shit. That's true.

We don't have our guy here. He got screwed by the Taliban, so we're... Oh, damn it. They got him? They got him, yep. Because we're calling him the Bear Jew. I told you not to pull out.

But, yeah, the Bear Jew. They got him. So, thank you, sir. He'll be back next week. We got to wait for Sally to cheers here. Oh, yeah. They always find something. Let's see what we got.

All right. It's a Rodney. Oh, 100 years. I'll tell you. That's really good. That's refreshing. i wouldn't i'm not a big i don't like rose but this is good stuff it's very good i think oh shit wine is like uh tap dancing i can never tell if it's good or bad yeah true you can tell if it's bad that's true looking up a kid's penis big penis what do you want me to look up? What words?

Do you want this on your fucking hard drive? No. But it was a news story. Kid was born with a huge dong. It was a football shape. Literally the size of a football. So it was like a deformity. Yeah, throw a football in there.

That'll throw off the government. Michael Vick. Michael Dick. All right, hold on. So the mom goes, well, obviously we got to cut this down. So they still gave him eight inches. Wait, what? Why not?

How do you cut down a penis? Well, they, you know, what do you call it? Reduction. Breast reduction, dick reduction. I didn't know you could do a dick reduction. Yeah, yeah. That is crazy. You can reduce anything.

Jesus. Oh, sorry. My wallet's going off. Your wallet? What are you talking about? I bought a tile. Look, sorry. My wallet's going off. Your wallet? What are you talking about? I bought a tile. Look at this.

My wallet got stolen a couple months back, so I bought this tracking device. That's smart, dude. I got to get one of those. Tile. Check it out. Send us a free tile, will you? But it goes off every now and then. What do you got? I need the Wi-Fi.

We need the Wi-Fi. We need the Wi-Fi. Pull that up on the Arby's speaker. Guess Wi-Fi. This is when we hear the sirens pulling up. Jared from Jared Fogel's here, everybody. Man, what a weird run. It's 11-4-0-1 is the password. Now everyone's got that. Dude, this is fucking good. It's 11401 Is the password Now everyone's got that

Dude this is fucking good It's pretty good I'm not a big sparkling I'm not a champagne guy I gotta be honest It's good for a celebration You have the flute It's fun but

I don't If I'm celebrating off scotch Or I'm in Haddon or something I don't Yeah I want a paper plane again Paper plane has taken over Everyone's posting about it

We haven't talked about planes this much since 9-11 It's the biggest thing Everybody's posting about it I'm reposting That thing took off I drank so many of those Call me Amelia Earhart Because I did not come back

From that one Talk about spirits Alright So man yeah I was in Portland all weekend Helium rocks, man. Oh, great club. Great town. That club rocks, man.

Crowds are so good. Went to the Nike factory. Overrated, man. Oh. You go to the employee store. Yeah. You just post and someone gives you an access code. What?

Picked them up with some free tickets in exchange. Hell yeah. Yeah. I got these right here. They're fun. A little Air Max 95 action. Yeah, I got these right here. They're fun. A little Air Max 95 action. Yeah, you got the Air Max. We're rocking them.

Yeah, it was fun. I had a good time. I was sick as a dog. That's the thing that sucks when you're on the road now. Every time you get a headache, you're like, COVID. Yeah, Delta. Am I out for five? Do I miss a road weekend now because of this shit?

Brutal, yeah. And I'll tell you the other thing. Portland, this is the most Portland shit. Look, I'm like, let me get tested to make sure I'm not spreading this to people. Yeah. And they're like, no, none of our places offer that on short notice. I'm like, I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to be a decent dude here.

I'm trying to not spread here. And I thought COVID was, I mean, Portland's like crunchy and like super wokey. I thought it'd be all over that shit. Dude, last time I was in Portland, I did not have my people at the show. It was years ago. Remember I had that alligator dead baby joke? Oh, yeah. I was working that joke out there.

It was like eight minutes of bombing every show. Wow. I would be killing it, and then I'd do that bit, and it would bomb every show. And then I was like, I should drop it. And luckily, I was in Tampa the next weekend. And they ate that shit up like they were the gator. All right? Tampa does not give a fuck.

And I think it was a Florida story, right? Yeah. And they still loved it. And they still loved it. They probably knew the kid. And they're like, yeah, fuck that kid. Fuck that kid. There it is.

I know that kid. Pull it up. Baby born. Wait, that's not it. That's a different one. Three penises? That's three dick. Three penises.

Three dick Mike. Damn. Hold on. He's a different one. Three penises? That's three dick Mike. Damn. Hold on. He's going to be poly, though. Yeah, he can be bi, gay, and straight. Each dick is a different thing. Yeah, exactly. Too bad he doesn't have three hands.

But yeah, Portland, I found that I used to go there. I've been going there for years, and I would call them out for being crunchy, and everybody's like, oh, Portland, oh, here we go. And they would go the opposite. They would be like, yeah, fuck it. Like, let's get dirty. It's like Salt Lake City. They know their reputation.

Yes. So then they come out, and they're extra cool. They overcompensate, exactly. So then they're like, child rape bits. And we're like, all right, calm down. I'm not trying to. Right, right. Yeah, no, I love that club.

I'm there. I think in November. I can't wait. Always do well. We do well in smart white cities, you know, like Chicago. Well, Chicago's mixed, but it's like Denver, San Fran, Portland, Phoenix, Austin. I feel like a lot of these are mixed. All right.

I hope. I want to be mixed. Yeah. But I don't know. Are black people coming out? They're not vaccinated. Is that offensive? I'm just going on.

27% of young black people in New York are vaccinated. 27%. That's not that high. That's what they're walking. You see the commercials now and it's like every commercial about getting vaccinated is like a young black guy who's like, I got it and it didn't kill me. And you're just like, I see why you're doing. Yeah.

It's going to be like, well, hey, it's safe. But, you know. Right. Right. Well, you know, if it works, if any group's going to be distrustful of the government, I mean, they've kind of earned it. Of course, of course. Tuskegee.

I hope they get vaccinated. Sure. But, you know, shit. I don't know. I mean, they can handle illness. Magic Johnson. Well, the richest fucking dude with AIDS ever. That's your example for a survivor?

Charlie Sheen, also rich. How's he doing? Is he still AIDS riddled? All right, he was banging porn stars. Remember he had that moment of winning and Tiger Blood? Tiger Blood, you knew that wasn't going to last. No, no. That was rough.

Yeah, that went out quicker than Smash Mouth. I got to say, though. They were the top of the world. That's how he got it, he smashed Mouth. Oh, my God. He was fucking porn star he uh no he i had the biggest crush on denise richards when i was oh really i did i did someone i can't say his name but i did someone's radio show once and he was like who rush limbaugh i i and i and he was like who your childhood crushes And I said Denise Richards

He's like who else I was like I like Jennifer Love Hewitt And we went to break And he goes Fuck them both Whoa And I was like

Alright Wow Yeah I'll tell you I can't say his name on air Oh my god I want to blow this guy Holy shit That's amazing

Second hand I want to smell that dick Second hand Maxim magazine Holy Fuck them both. That is a... I mean, do you believe him? Yeah. Oh, wow. Pull that down, dude. Sam's getting chubbed.

That was a thing in New Orleans for a friend's birthday when they turned 18. Strip clubs, you'd go to strip clubs with your friends when he turned 18 and they would bring the guy on stage whose birthday it was and all the strippers would dance on him and if he got a

boner, he had to pay. And if he didn't, you didn't have to pay. It was like this fun New Orleans tradition. So they'd be like, oh, you gotta pay up! He's hard! We were all like, yeah! It was a win either way, you know? Just gonna bring your gay friend just tortured these strippers they're like it's been 45 minutes we're dancing on this guy

um yeah portland is pretty cool man i i had a good time there for sure like i i respect uh those crowds we get our crowds now so i know some people are like portland but no they're i think they're pretty cool they're pretty cool they're. And they've been through a lot, this pandemic. Wildfires. Portland weather is like a dark cloud, and then the alternative is hell rising. I'm like, this is a dark existence you guys have. It's dark.

It's heroin. It's Shanghai. It's crazy. There was protests. There was riots. It got wild out there, so I'm glad they're doing okay. Yeah. Oh, man, those riots in Portland did not look fun. There was riots. It got wild out there, so I'm glad they're doing okay. Yeah. Oh, man.

Those riots in Portland did not look fun. No, no. And here's something controversial. Voodoo donuts. Overrated. Still good, though. I mean, it's a donut. You can't go wrong.

You're not a donut guy. I'm not a donut guy, but I'll eat a... Me and him go to the donut pub. It's great. Love the donut pub. Underrated. But also, that's ambiance, too. True.

True. That counter. Yeah, it's great. Love the Donut Pub. Underrated. But also, that's ambiance, too. True, true. That counter. The Louis episode. Yeah, that was great. But look, it's just a big donut with fucking Froot Loops on it. Like, that ain't, that ain't. I'm going to disagree here. I'm going to say Voodoo Donuts.

I went there once, years ago, Jeff Ross and I hit the one in Austin. And I think we went through 12 donuts as a team. What? We went through 12 donuts. Wow. We just both were just, he had a bunch, and then they recognized him, so they just kept giving him donuts.

Oh, man. Well, he went there the year before with Ralphie May, and look what happened to him. Oh, my God. But yeah, that's not ingenuity. That's not innovative. Oh, it's got an umbrella in it. Whoa.

Come on. I'll tell you what works on a donut, and this may sound just like overkill. You ever have like bacon on a donut? The one at Donut Pub? I never have. That one's fucking good, dude. Give me your top donuts.

Ah, well, you're going to hate me. I like cake plain donut. I think that's the best donut. I think this is all overkill. Let's see the picture of the cake plain donut. Just the standard. Oh, it means old-fashioned. Old-fashioned.

Okay, yeah. Great donut. No, no, no. I'm actually with you on that. I think an old- cake playing donut. Just a standard. Oh, he means old-fashioned. Old-fashioned. Okay, yeah. Great donut. No, no, no. I'm actually with you on that. I think an old-fashioned is a classic for a reason. I like it with a coffee. Yes. I'm with you.

It's just enough sugar. It's not the glaze. The glaze is dripping with cheese. Nothing laser than the powdered sugar. Yeah, powdered's the worst. Get out of here. I do like the Homer Simpson donut, too. Oh, the pink.

The pink is fun. The pink is great. Pink and the stink. Yeah. Yeah, no, the old-fashioned is where it's at. Oh, I love that. I can The pink is great. Pink and the stink. Yeah. The old fashioned is where it's at. I love that. I can eat ten of those. They're fucking good. Where are you at on Krispy Kreme?

It's alright. It's fine. I'll tell you what I like in Portland if I got my sweet tooth on is Salt and Straw ice cream. I'm more of an ice cream guy than a donut guy. Same. What's Salt and Straw? It's like their famous ice cream, man. I'm more of an ice cream guy than a donut guy. Same, same. What's Salt and Straw? It's like their famous ice cream place.

Oh, okay. I mean, I waited on the line once to go there. I went with the line. I don't know if it's just, it's crazy good. Ooh, all right. I'll be there when I go there. I'll be at Salt and Straw. It's legit. It's funny how they legalized all drugs in Portland.

You guys talking about ice cream and donuts? Because it comes back to the classics, man. Yes. It's an old-fashioned for a reason. And if it's Portland, it's going to be a paper straw. All right. Which I don't think even helped, right? I don't know.

That was a myth. I wasn't proven that it's bullshit. That was one turtle photo. That shows the power of marketing and social media. It was one turtle photo, and that did it. I want more of this. It's pretty good. I got you.

There we go. Give me that cup. Matt, how's your wrist doing It's pretty good. I got you. There we go. Give me that cup. Matt, how's your wrist doing, man? I'm so glad you finally asked. Matt got really mad at me the other night. Why? Because he told me he got in a biking accident, and what did I say, Matt?

So I'm telling him this harrowing story about me falling off a Rebel scooter. Which you shouldn't be driving to begin with, man. It's dangerous. I don't want you on those. Oh, it's fine. I don't want you on those. Oh, it's fine. He used to play baseball.

So this taxi cab cuts me off. I fall. I wipe out. I start chasing the cab driver down. I knock on his window, and I make him stop. I'm telling him a story, and I show him the injury. And he looks at me, and he's like, ah. He goes, you know, I sat behind Molly Shannon on the plane ride here.

I was like, you didn't even hear my story. I said, oh, shit. And then I said. All right. It was basically you were saying, oh, I've got a story, too. Your life doesn't matter. I was tired. That's not cool that I did that.

You did just get off first class flight behind Molly Shannon. This is good stuff. I love Molly Shannon. I wrote her a fan letter. I do too. When I was a kid, I wrote her a fan letter and she signed it. What? I wrote to, I loved Night at the Roxbury as a kid,

so I wrote to Molly Shannon, Chris Kattan, and Will Ferrell. And Chris Kattan and Molly Shannon wrote back. I think Ferrell probably got too many. He's a little busy, yeah. Superstar. Oh, dude, I love her, man. I love her. She's so funny. She was on White Lotus. She's a killer, man. She's a little busy, yeah. Superstar. Oh, dude, I love her, man. I love her. She's so funny. She was on White Lotus.

She's a killer, man. She's a beast. I heard she... The rumor is this was on Curb. They said she fucked a guy so well that he had a heart attack. What? Like, she's just wild in the sack. That's on Curb.

That's an episode, though? They talk about it on Curb. Yeah, pull it up. What are you talking about? That was an episode. Larry and Jeff are like, on Curb. Yeah, pull it up. What are you talking about? That was an episode. Larry and Jeff are like, oh, she's great in bed, I hear. She's wild. I think he knows her.

I think he was like fucking with her. See? Molly said it. Oh, did not kill two men during sex. It's like a gerbil thing with Richard Gere. It's out there. It's a fun myth. No, dude, I love her.

She's so funny, I think. Oh, so funny. So funny. Where has she been. She's so funny, I think. Oh, so funny. So funny. Where has she been? She's just in that thing. Dude, she's in a movie. I forgot what it's called. Look it up.

It's by the writer Chris Kelly from SNL. I think it's a real story where his mom died of cancer. She should have won an Oscar for it. Oh, really? She's that good in it, man. She's a beast. It's one of those roles where you're like, oh, shit, you are a legit actress you're not just a comedic like it was a dramatic performance where you're like whoa and uh she i one time schumer was having a party and i'm with rachel feinstein we're both

running late to a to a seller spot and we're panicking we're like fuck we're gonna miss our spot as he's gonna kill us as's a weekend And Oh boy Molly Shannon Parties were hard to leave Hard to leave Because there's free booze Fun crowds Molly Shannon's in the elevator With us

And I think she just Overheard us panicking And she runs across the street And we just see her go I got you guys a cab Oh I was like This is like the best person

What a night I was at one of those parties The Schumer party And I was pretty drunk And I'm walking around And I'm like, this is like the best person. What a night. I was at one of those parties, the Schumer party, and I was pretty drunk. I'm walking around and I'm like, and like a dream, like an angel. I saw Marissa Tomei dancing with her shoes off, like alone. And I was like, oh, my childhood crush. And Schumer was like, you want to meet her? And I was like, of course.

And I went up and I was like, hey, my cousin Vinny. And she was like, oh, yeah, yeah. You said my cousin Vinny? What the fuck? I didn't know what to say. I said Seinfeld. I was like, hey, my cousin Vinny. And she was like, oh, yeah, yeah. You said my cousin Vinny? What the fuck? I didn't know what to say. I said Seinfeld. I was like, I saw you. It's George.

I panicked. You got to pretend you don't know who they are. You're like, oh, Marissa? Oh, OK. I'm Mark. Nice to meet you. I've seen her naked. I couldn't contain myself.

Was she naked in the wrestler? Yes. And Before the Devil Knows You Dead. Oh, she's getting railed from behind. Sidney Lumet. Oh, is that him? That was his last one, I think. Whoa.

Am I right, Sally? Looking it up. That was a good movie. Great movie. I mean, you get fucking Phyllis Seymour Hoffman in anything. Oh, there she is. From Brooklyn, by the way. Yeah, she's beautiful.

She still looks great. Still looks great. And great actress, obviously. Great actress. But, I mean, dude. So you think I'd fucking know what the deer was wearing? That was my horrible, my cousin Vinny. One of the all-time great comedies.

Great comedy. Doesn't get brought up a lot, by the way. Sidney Lumet. So I just watched, I made my girlfriend watch Dog Day Afternoon. She fell asleep. She was tired from that before. She fell asleep for like 20 minutes, so she got the gist. She fell asleep in the middle of 20 minutes.

I was still pretty upset. Yeah, it's amazing. Because, oh, I think it holds up as one of the best movies ever here's what blows my mind about it is like he's not only bi but he's paying for a sex change and they're not like they're not cheap about it like i mean there's a couple cops laughing which is just realistic yeah like i thought it was like pretty tastefully done for a 70s movie yeah about trans way ahead of the game and it's also fucking hilarious like when john kazale fucking legend by the way killer five movies and they're all classics all nominated for best picture whoa and he was dating meryl streep. Yes. What? That's a power couple. When he died. Yeah. Amazing.

Wow. That was a rough one. The problem with that sex, though, is if they fake it, you believe it. Because they're great actors. They orgasm you. You're like, was that real? I'll never know. She went to Juilliard.

Yeah. He's so good, he could fake cumming. Oh, my God. He's like, wow. You're a good actor. He brought props. No, he, dude, the whole thing where he's like, we could fake coming oh my god wow you're a good actor he brought props no he uh dude the whole thing where he's like we we gotta leave america where should we go and he goes wyoming that's one of my favorite things that's a great that's a great moment god that movie's good that's dude pacino fucker can i give you my rec for this week so dog day

afternoon obviously classic we haven't seen it you should see it but there's my rec and it's a little more off the grid sorry sorryica. Attica. Sorry. Dude, that scene, that's... Dog Day Afternoon is one of the best movies ever. Amazing movie, and the Brooklyn scenes with the kids where they're all watching, it's all great. It's a time capsule for New York in the 70s. Killer. My favorite movies

are movies that have everything where you're like, there's funny parts, there's sad parts, there's tense parts, there's action. That's the real guy. He looks just like Pacino, I think. I know. Wow. He kind of looks like De Niro, too.

Yeah, De Niro could have. Your Godfather 2 De Niro could have played that. Definitely. Or Mean Streets De Niro. Wow. 72. Failed bank robbery. Have you been to the bank, Sally?

Yeah, it was in my old neighborhood. Really? Yeah, yeah. It's right near Park Slope. Oh my God. How cool is that? So you were probably a kid when this happened. Yeah, I didn't know about it, but yeah.

Damn. Wait, when were you born? All right. Don't make him say more. All right, all right, all right. This is the same space as probably. Attica, Attica. Dude, so here's my rec, and it's a lesser,

because I got a Pacino kick Because like There's Alright look here's the deal Pacino's been in some stinkers He's also been in some Of the best movies ever So here's a lesser known

Pacino movie From the 90s Simone No Jack and Jill No No it was my pick It's from the 90s

It's It's streaming on Amazon It's a Michael Mann film I haven't seen it Since I saw it in the theaters wait a minute are you going to say what I think you're going to say what not Heat I just said that

did you say that out loud the Insider it won best picture it didn't win best picture nominated wait do I know this movie it's a fight against like big tobacco, basically. Russell Crowe, Pacino, Christopher Plummer.

It's fucking amazing. Good cast. Killer dialogue. I don't know it. I saw it. Last time I saw it was in the theaters. I remember being a kid when I saw it and being like, wow. I was like rocked by it.

Wow. It's like two hours and 40 minutes, but it's like there's so many scenes where you're like, shit, that was good writing. Wow. I don't know. and 40 minutes but it's like, there's so many scenes where you're like, shit, that was good writing. Wow, I don't know. I know The Inside Man, which was... That's a good movie. That's good. I think a little overrated, but it's good. But it's a fun heist movie. Yeah, it's a Spike Lee joint, but... Clive

Owen's fucking fun, man. I love Clive. He's playing Clinton, by the way. Did you see that? What? They're doing an FX movie, kind of like the OJ one. They're doing one on the Clinton Lewinsky. Clinton Tarantino? Yeah. Yeah. But that looks fucking good and clive owen is playing clinton but that's a weird choice i would never even cross my mind i know it kind of worked though i saw uh i mean he's great yeah i love him and closer man oh man that talk about a movie punching you right in the taint i mean that was like because every you had, it all came up and the,

the cheating and the, the, the wanting this girl and this girl wants you, but you want that one. Oh my God. Amazing. Okay. It was nominated in 2000 lost to American beauty.

That's what I told you. You're nominated, but do Pacino and crow are great. It's a real, like Pacino showcase. Like he just, he, it puts his overacting to use like when you're

right you know like yeah i'm just getting warmed up like that type of shit yeah i still love son of a woman i still can't if it's on tv i'm gonna watch it yeah yeah it's corny as shit but it is it's like forrest gump where you're like this is all ridiculous but i'm on board i'm on board yeah it's it's also the scene Forrest Gump, where you're like, this is all ridiculous, but I'm on board. I'm on board. Yeah. It's also the scene where he's tangoing. You're like, you can't not...

I know. I love Pacino. What can I say? Oh, yeah, totally. I'm a movie guy, man. Shit. I like him, too. He's a legend.

God damn it. God damn it. Give me a rec. And go watch Heat, too, while you're at it, if you want some 90s action. He is fucking fun. I didn't know this was a Michael Mann. What?

This is a Michael Mann movie? I would say Michael Mann's best movie. What? I put it ahead of Heat. Come on, ahead of Heat. I think it's a masterpiece. Wow, all right. I got to watch it.

I've never seen it. Every scene, it's different than Heat. Heat is a lot of action, and Heat has a lot of, like, Heat has great tense moments, but this is, like, all in the writing. Like, it's all dialogue. It's all,'s not that i don't think there's a spoiler but it's like there's not really violence in it there's just like the lingering threat of violence interesting and to me that's like kind of more impressive to make like it's like a very adult right it's almost like you don't see the

monster so it's scarier that it's kind of like that. Right. And the monster's like big business, basically, right? Like trying to like ruin your life. But man, it's fucking killer. All right. Pacino just kills it. Michael Mann's a fucking beast. I love him. Oh, boy.

I love Collateral, too. Collateral's underrated. Underrated. Yeah, Michael Mann's great, although Ali shit the bed. I walked out on it. What? One of the only movies I've ever walked out on. Wow.

I hated it. And I love Jamie Foxx and Will Smith, but I fucking hated the movie. What didn't you like about it? I haven't seen it since it came out, so I don't remember it. Yeah. Yeah, no, I saw it in the theater.

That was the last time I saw it. Wow. I just remember being like, nothing's happening. It's boring. It's not well. I'm a big fan of everyone involved. I just didn't like it. I couldn't take it.

I've never walked out of a movie. Oh, I think it might be one of the only ones I've walked out on. Damn. That's boring. It's not well. I'm a big fan of everyone involved. I just didn't like it. I couldn't take it. I've never walked out of a movie. Oh, I think it might be one of the only ones I've walked out on. Damn. That's wild. If I paid for it, I'm going to do it. Same with bad milk. I'll drink it. I got to get rid of it.

Alcohol. I can't let it go. Alcohol. I can't let it go. I ate a piece of pizza at the stand. There was just a piece of pizza on the table. I ate it. And I was like, is that yours?

I'm like, somebody's wasting this pizza. I ate the pizza. There was just a piece of pizza on the table. I ate it. And I was like, is that yours? I'm like, somebody's waiting for this pizza. I ate the pizza. I probably got Delta. Oh, I'm glad I'm right next to you. Thanks. Can you get it from a pizza? I hope not.

Jeez. If that's true, then fucking little Italy is fucked. Ah, good point. Good point. How about, uh,

Italy, big Italy got fucked. They were fucking hard during COVID, weren't they? Give me a wreck. Well, if we're going, Well, if we're going dudes, I'm going wreck Roadrunner. I gotta watch it. I'm putting it off.

I'm a documentary cunt. Talk about capturing the sadness. You feel like it's heavy. Well, it scares me because it's very close to home for us. We're traveling. Yes. Literally, the guy me because it's very close to home for us. It's traveling. Yes. Literally, the guy who gets to the peak of where we could get to, and he kills himself.

Yeah. Well, if you want, you can just watch the first half because it's all him making it. He's a nobody, heroin addict, chain-smoking chef in Manhattan. Skinny, kind of weird-looking, earring. That earring was rough. That earring was rough. Sring was rough Sleeveless Like he's Kind of a punk

Iggy pop type dude And He's got a wife He's got a small apartment And he sells his book And just skyrockets The book fucking rocked Is it good?

I loved it My girl's reading it now She's like This book's amazing It's so good It's uh It's funny I mean

It's written with so much passion like he talks about cooking and food like how we talk about comedy yeah he talks about restaurants he's cynical he i remember hearing him on marin once talk about uh how like the way like i think they made the connection together that like it's very similar to comedy being a cook because line cook chef sous chef like there's that pecking order, like MC, feature, headliner. The hierarchy. Yeah. Yeah, well, he worked his way to the top, but you can see him on a flip phone.

It's like 1998, 1999, and he's like, what? It's number seventh on the bestseller? And then it becomes bestseller, and then people are like, you want to do a TV show? And he's like with his wife going, oh, my God, this is overwhelming. That shit's fascinating. The fact that they have footage of this stuff

is unreal. I have no footage of me as a young nobody, you know, but they got footage of he's in the kitchen, he's sword fighting with the bus boys,

you know, he's just a fun dude. He was fun, man. Fun guy, but then it gets just the travel. Well, that's what scares me. I mean, look,

I want to watch the Kobe one really badly, but I know the Kobe one is going to fuck me up because I love Kobe I'm just such a fan Of everything And I know Kobe has this imperfect legacy

But I loved him It's one of the things People talk about Michael Jordan's impact But I was a baby When Michael Jordan was drafted Kobe you watched it all I was 10 when he was drafted, so I saw his whole

fucking career. Yeah, you grew up with him. I grew up with him. Fucking dance, brother. Let's try this other one. Shall we? Please. Hold on, let me put this I'm not a big rosé fan, I'm not gonna lie to you. I don't love it, but this is good. I'm just not a big rosé guy.

I'm not a big white wine or rosé not i'm not good i'm not a big white wine or rose i'm a i'm a fucking red wine drinker yeah you too sally's a white wine fella but i'm saying ifalutin just regular just give me wine yeah like i buy the 11 jug and i'm just like get the wine in me that's that's not a good sign what is this is just champagne i think no this is chardonnay you you said, I thought. That's what it says there, right? Is it one of those? Yeah, 100% Chardonnay.

It's got to be from the region of champagne. It smells pretty fucking good, actually. Have you guys seen this? I may have sent it to you. What? This trailer. This is called L.A. Takedown. This is way better. It's called Michael Mann.

Before Heat. Is it good? I think I better. Made by Michael Mann. Before Heat. Is it good? I think I sent this to you during the pandemic, Mark. I think you did. Oh, no, I think we watched some of it at your place. I think it's like a sizzle to sell Heat. No, this is a whole ass movie. A whole ass movie.

Who's in it? Anyone we know? No, it's a bunch of nobodies. No, I know that guy. Shot for shot. Of Heat. Oh,odies. No, I know that guy. It's like shot for shot of heat. Oh, no, I don't know that guy. Maybe this is like his Robert Rodriguez. Yeah, he needed to make this to make that.

Exactly. I like this better than the robot. Look at the shot. Look at the shot. Yeah, look at that. Shot for shot. Like the vaccine. This was just Johnson & Johnson.

Yeah, then he was Pfizer, baby. You know what sucks for these actors? I don't know who these guys are. Way better. I'm more of a Chardonnay guy than Rizzo, for sure. But, you know it sucks these actors are like this direct you get cast in this movie with michael mann but then it's like i hope they had good careers after that because like you fuck it what are the chances you work with michael mann as an actor the way there's so many good comics that people have

never heard of there's so many good writers and actors oh there's more heard of more being an actor i was talking tooder about this last night. Being an actor, it's like being... That's why they're all nutty, because it's like being a hunter or a forager. You just got to go in and get it or not. It's almost like you shoot a bow at the deer, an arrow, and the deer goes away.

You got to figure out how to get the next deer, the next meal. They all just were apart. They don't get it. That's it. Except before hunting the deer, they have to beg the next deer, the next meal. They all just were apart. They don't get it. That's it. Except before hunting the deer, they have to beg the deer to like them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Or blow the deer.

Please, please. Dude, I like this one way better. This is way better. I will drink that. That's fucking good, dude. This is really good. This tastes like champagne. I'll tell you.

Our guy. Good champagne really seems to good. Blanc de Blanc, white of whites. I think Back to School is like my number one like when I'm depressed movie. Oh yeah. It actually is great on Rotten Tomatoes, it's like 86. Really?

Yeah, it's a good movie. What's your go-to depressed movie though? I go Ferris Bueller. Ooh, that's good. I love Ferris Bueller. I don't know why that movie just hits me right in my sphincter it just resonates with me it's just fun it's fun i think broderick would like us i feel like he we

would get along with him yeah he was a little depressed on uh comedians comedians and cars i liked him though he was funny too though he was dry i like that but i feel like he's like theatery which like could not may not work to Yeah. Because we're like a little more clubby. Right. But I just love the elections. Oh, man. That's an underrated movie. That might be top 10 comedies for me.

As a dark comedy, that's not much better than election. Yeah. But yeah, Roadrunner. Great. You got to see it. It's good. But is it going to depress the shit out of me? A little.

Yeah. But also, hey, you're living. He's died. He killed himself with a daughter, but you're not, and that's what you gotta take from it. You gotta fight the demons and push on. If you're dealing with that shit, not to get serious at all, but please get help. Because that's like, you know,

one thing that we lost a guy we look up to, but do that when you have kids kids just fucking crushes me. I know. The idea of that selfish. I dated someone whose father did that and it was really, yeah, it was fucking terrible. It fucks the kid up.

You must think that their life will be better without you. That's the only way you could do that. I don't think you're thinking rationally in that moment. I don't think you're thinking about other people in that moment. I think you're in horrible pain. I don't think you're thinking about other people in that moment. I think you're in horrible pain. I don't think you're thinking about your kid in that moment. You know how he did it? Hung himself. Sober.

He was a booze bag. He was a pill head. All that shit. And he was sober. Toxicology report. Clean. Which is even crazier because that means he was like, I'm doing this. Wow. And hang is that's torturous. Well, it got weird, but I'm well hung.

But all right. I was watching this doc on Spalding Gray. He was also another New Yorker genius, intellectual. Killed himself. Jumped off the back of the Staten Island Ferry. Wow. Is that right? Yeah.

See, that's risky because you might just float. I think he had intent. So it's's like let me just go down with this oh it seems like instinct would kick in you start i don't know yeah some people like the people who jump off the you know golden gate bridge and the second they do it they regret it like the survivors i mean that movie about that yeah i mean that's just the thing where i'm just like, I don't know, man. That's, I think you're not thinking right in that moment. Yeah. You get to a low point and you're not mentally right.

I mean, I don't know. That's fucking dark. Yeah, wouldn't you love to be the save? Wouldn't you love, because there was the movie The Bridge. Hell of a documentary. They just pointed a camera at the Golden Gate Bridge for like two years and got, I think, I don't know, 12 jumpers?

Way more than that. More than that, okay. So one guy got up on the railing, was about to do it, and this guy just grabbed him and pulled him back in. The guy was like, no, let me do it! And he pulled him in and then eventually the guy was like, thank you, you saved my life. But wouldn't you love to be that guy?

I would love to be the pull you in guy. Really? Oh yeah, you're a hero, you saved the guy's life. What if the pull you in guy really oh yeah you're a hero you saved the guy's life what if the guy just jumps to like a day later then you're kind of like thanks thanks but i stuck my neck out for you 24 24 suicides 24 damn and how long do they point the fucking camera at that thing what a what a shitty director by the way i got an idea and it's gonna be real easy one year one year we can't get our ideas made, but they're like, suicide's off a bridge.

Now we're talking. Yeah. I like it. We're in there pitching comedy, funny stuff. Ah, too fun. How many deaths are going to be in this? Right, right. How many settings?

How many locations? Can they be real people? I was just pitching a comedy. Not good enough. Yeah, yeah. yeah yeah they don't have to pay the the guys who died that's a great gig for the director yeah they gave him a day rape but they never collected they never collected that's great i love her like get help everyone and then we're laughing at theirs true well that's what we do right i mean we are sincere

selves and then we have yeah the way they're not their real selves when they kill themselves. We're not maybe our real selves when we're making fucked up jokes. Good point. We're dealing with life, right? That's our shit. As I always say, fuck you.

That joke's offensive. Apologize for the joke. Sorry. You didn't mean that apology. I didn't mean the joke either. Ah! Suck on that! Jokes.

It's funny. You you know we watched uh ted last night my girlfriend i watched ted oh and i remember you remember we watched that in my hotel room in vancouver it was you me list gary veder carmen lynch forgot about that we were all my hotel room in vancouver we did a festival and we watched the movie Ted oh yeah great movie great comedy the amount of politically incorrect jokes are and it's just they're just good jokes they're just funny jokes like all you need it's funny that you need like a bear a little stuffed bear to do those jokes yeah for us to be like well it's okay yeah well he's a bear it's like but it's a man voicing the bear that's how dumb people are

we need a bear to do this shit South Park is a perfect example of that I mean it's horrifying shit but they're little paper animations nobody gives a fuck have you gone back to Rick and Morty yet? I like it, I like it I'm three in

I'm gonna finish it it's fucking incredible dude I like the grandpa he's the best I agree in. Are you going to keep going? I'm going to keep going. I'm going to finish it. It's fucking incredible, dude. Yeah, it's great. I like the grandpa. He's the best. He's the best character. I love him, man. But yeah, Ted, great.

I was getting a lot of shit for doing dark humor for a while, and it gets to you because you're like, shit, we don't want to hurt anybody. That's not our intention. We don't want to offend or whatever. But they're hurting themselves. Of course. Watch a fucking clip of my comedy.

If you come to the show, I don't do that many sets anymore. I'm mostly just doing the road. I'll do a few sets a week in the city, but I'm tired. I'm on the road every week. Sure. So I mostly do the road. So if you don't watch the comedian you're seeing, then you're kind of an idiot.

I agree. I don't go to a movie blind. I read a couple things about it. Right, yeah. It's like going to showgirls and being like, there's all this nudity. I feel the same way. kind of an idiot i agree i don't go to a movie blind i read a couple things about it right yeah no it's like going to showgirls i mean like there's all this nudity i feel the same way like what is your deal but either way i forgot my point oh you do all these dark jokes i do it all these and it got to me like all these people mad at me and yelling at me and calling me a whatever and this and that homophobe race i Like, where are we getting all this? But I saw Seth MacFarlane on Bill Maher one night

randomly on the road, like flipping through it. He said the amount of death threats he gets for Family Guy jokes was like, I don't know, he gets like 8,000 a day or something. And I was like, all right, this is just part of it. I heard like 12 of them jumped off the bridge. Oh my God. Yeah. But it's sunk in.

Like how much joy is Family Guy brought the whole world? People love that show. It's a joke a second. They're not all great, but some are amazing. And Ted's great. And like the joy outweighs the – and you're sending someone a death threat. Who's the bad guy here? You want him dead? And he told a joke? And you're the good guy? threat. Who's the bad guy here? You want him dead?

And he told a joke? And you're the good guy? Blow me. Oh, dude. And the amount of people that love that show. I remember I went to a Sixers basketball camp in Philly for a week one year. My parents were like, just get out of the city. We don't want you around. Wow.

And I went there. And it was like. And so I go to basketball camp. And I went there and it was like, and so we, I go to basketball camp and it's like me and like, you know, two of the white kids and like 50 black kids in our bunk, you know? And there's like one little tiny TV and we all huddle around and we watch

family. The great, right. And everyone was laughing. Every fucking person was like, Oh shit. Like it was like one of those things you're like ah dude so yeah yeah he's gonna get death threats when you're that big but also and you're irreverent

but you're making something fucking awesome i know i know chapelle said he got a like this is the 90s so he got bags of hate mail for this that tyrone bigsby with the blind uh white supremacist classic that's such a brilliant bit and you're like how are you dumb enough to not get i know i know i show that to my mom who's like you know like obviously a very smart woman but she's not like hip to comedy she's like this is brilliant brilliant brilliant yeah i mean she is hip to come i should take that back my mom is very hip i don't even know why I said that. But, you know, my point is that that has a range of people that should like that. But then see, to me, you're more sane where you're like that at Bourdain, Doc. That's going to that's going to be tough.

That is valid. Because I love him. I loved his work and I respect him. To me, I just know that I'll feel it. Right. You're going to feel it. You're going to feel it. I'm a sensitive guy.

So I'm like, if I'm going to watch that, I'm going to I'm going to be like, fuck, I love that it. Right. You're going to feel it. You're going to feel it. I'm a sensitive guy. So I'm like, if I'm going to watch that, I'm going to, I'm going to be like, fuck, I love that guy. Yeah. You know, that's why it's tough for me to watch the Kobe one too.

It's just like, I loved what they did and what they represented. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But the, the Michael Jackson thing when that, I never watched it.

I'm like, I don't want to see that. I don't want to see him touching kids and kids being sad and all that. And then people get mad about jokes. I think Kobe and Bourdain had a bigger impact on me than Michael Jackson. I know. I'm just making the point like that. I couldn't watch that.

I never watched it. You did? Yeah. All right. I wanted to know. What happened? Two kids that he definitely was inappropriate with. I don't need to see that.

Allegedly. Do you think he was? I think he did, too, but I don't want to see it. Allegedly. Do you think he was? I think he did too, but I don't want to be sued. Would you let your kid sleep at his fucking place? Absolutely not. That's what I'm saying.

There you go. But even if he wasn't like inappropriate, you don't let, I mean, shit, I wouldn't let him sleep at,

if I had a kid, I wouldn't let him sleep at any celebrity's place. Maybe Kevin Spacey. All right. He just turns to the camera. Now y'all think I molested this child.

But let me tell you real quick. I'm much more clever than that. It's always the you guys. I'm missing the cards. Oh, dude. Spacey's a killer. One of the only good Netflix original series. How many good?

Mindhunter was good. Yeah, that was good. Queen's Gambit was good. That was huge. That was excellent. She, that was good. Queen's Gambit was good. That was huge. That was excellent. She lives in my building. Does she? Yeah.

I don't know if that ruins my life with my address, but she lives in my building, yeah. And it's not even a great building. It's not like this insane building. I love doing that show. It's one of those shows where you know where it's going, but it doesn't matter. It's just like a fun distraction.

And it came out the perfect time we all just we all needed a feel-good show during this fucking shit storm is it feel good i've never seen it you've never seen queen's gambit no i gotta get on that oh it's it's fucking good yeah everybody loves a shared experience we all had as a country in a time when we needed to be together yeah yeah it was like a positive. We were all separated. We needed something to come together with. And it was like that and then the Tiger King. Oh, Tiger King was crazy. Love Tiger King. Yeah, that was fun.

That's out there. Queen's Gambit you would like. Alright, I'm down. I'm shocked you haven't watched that. Yeah, I'm shocked too. I've seen everything else. I'll get on it. I think I tried it. Finish Rick and Morty first, though. I'll do that first. Alright, give me a peeve. Okay, I got a couple. I don't know how long we've been going here.

Oh, and I got another rec for you, and it's for you specifically. Ooh. Because you're an oatmeal man. I am an oatmeal, every morning, with peanut butter. I got a fucking better one for you. Oh, boy. Overnight oats.

Huh? You never do overnight oats? Never heard of it. I know Hall and Oates. Stacy does it. It's good, dude. Yeah. So you just put oats in a little, like put them in a mason jar, I know Hall knows Stacy does it It's good dude Yeah So They

You just put oats In a little Like put them in a mason jar Like one cup of Oats One cup of like milk And then just throw Whatever the fuck

You want in there dude What You put peanut butter Cinnamon Some berries I throw some fucking Blackberries in that shit Oh that's good

Blackberries are the most Underrated berry by the way I'm a Raz man. Raz man? I go Raz over black. They're both good. They're both good. But if they're Baldwin's, Alec is the fucking blackberry.

No. Let's be real. Alec is blue. Really? Blueberry is number one. Overexposed. Fine, so let's do this with the Wayans brothers. All right, there you go.

There you go. That's a blackberry. Get off the back. This show just turns into taste buds after three drinks. No, no, overnight oats. You put it and you just take it out in the morning. You just seal it off with a mason jar. It's amazing.

Wow, interesting. But that takes a little planning. We're drinking. I'm not going to be thinking, oh, got to get the oats. It takes fucking three minutes before you go to bed. You put it in and you open it. It's less time than oatmeal. Oatmeal, I put it in, quick oats,

38 seconds in the microwave. It's better than oatmeal. I like oatmeal, but this tastes better. And this is cold, too. I don't want cold. Cold is good because I do hot coffee in the morning, so it offsets the hot. I have some variety. Okay. I don't know. I like a hot oatmeal, but I'll try it. offsets the hot. I have some variety. Okay. I don't know.

I like a hot oatmeal, but I'll try it. I'll try it. I'll try anything. It's going to change your life, brother. Change my life. I'll try it. It's good stuff. All right.

I got another piece. You're really selling it. This is up there with Inside Man. I'm like, I don't know, man. This is better than heat? I like heat, especially in my oatmeal. I didn't say Inside Man is better than heat. I said Insider is better than heat.

I'm sorry. Insider. Insider. It's better than heat. All right. All oatmeal. I didn't say Inside Man is better than Heat. I said Insider is better than Heat. I'm sorry, Insider, Insider. It's better than Heat. All right, all right. I love Heat. The Insider is better. Okay. It's a better movie.

Do you disagree? No, I like Heat more. Okay. Oh! But I think he's great. I think he's a better movie. Insider, great name for a porn, too. I mean, that's just sitting there.

But Inside Man. Insider. I'll call it Heat, I'll tell you. Inside Man is a gay porn. She'll he is i'll tell you man is a gay porn uh all right here's a peeve yeah this is asian restaurants that do this it's mostly thai and chinese they throw in like a a secret hidden ghost pepper oh that you got you so right i fucking hate that shit. I'm having Thai yesterday. I get a pie, a salad.

Out of nowhere, I have a tiny pepper in my mouth. It's the hottest thing I've ever eaten in my life. How about a little fucking warning? It ruins the meal. It ruins everything. You're done after that. I'm chugging fucking milk. Yeah, right.

I know. I'll tell you. It sucks. I'm taking a load on my dick. It's the milk milk. It's the milk crate challenge. All right, I'll tell you. Yeah, it's a taking a load on my dick. It's a milk crate challenge. All right. I'll tell you.

Yeah, it's a nightmare, that fucking hot pepper. It comes out of nowhere. It ruins your day, your shit blood. I'm with you. And then you look like a bitch on the other. And you're like, what? I ate it too. It wasn't that bad.

You're like, no, I got the pepper. It's awful. General Tso's will do this. And if you're a fucking rookie, you'll eat one of those black peppers. But those will fucking. You got to take the little tiny pieces. Yep. Because I love a General Tso's will do this And if you're a fucking rookie You'll eat one of those black peppers But those will fucking You gotta take the little tiny pieces Yep Cause I love a General Tso's chicken

Oh yeah Is that your go-to Chinese order? No, I'm a pepper steak Pepper steak? I like the steak with the bell pep Can't go wrong Yeah, I like General Tso's It's too American

It's sweet It's gooey That was a bunch of Chinese people going, this isn't selling. We got to make it fatter and sweeter, and the Americans will buy it. I love a General Tso's. I mean, I like it. What's the reason for that and- Sesame?

Sesame. The sesame's, brother. That's it. That's it. They sprinkle some seeds. I think so, right? I remember I got into a fight with a friend when I was a kid, and I was like, General Tso's is better. He was like, sesame is better.

We were both fucking idiots. It's Coke and Pepsi. It is. It's the same shit. Look up General Tso. Who the fuck is this guy? Orange chicken is just, I think, like, it's the same shit, but like a slightly sweeter maybe.

I don't know. It's too much goo on there. How about, I like a little chicken with garlic sauce, actually. Oh, shrimp with garlic sauce. An egg roll when you're being nasty. Say it again? An egg roll. Oh, yeah, you dip it in there, and that's sweet and sour.

How do you feel about cold sesame noodles? I'm into it. Yeah, me too. I grew up on Chinese. I love that shit, mom. That might be my favorite cuisine. Whoa. I mean, all right.

I put Thai over Chinese. Thai might squeeze in now, just because we're getting damn good Thai. Yeah, it's true. I have the childhood comfort of Chinese. Thai might squeeze in now just because we're getting damn good Thai. Yeah, it's true. But I have the childhood comfort of Chinese. Same, with the takeout and the to-go box and the fucking little carton. Come on. It's tough. I feel like it's kind of like movies without sound that I grew up with, but then movies

with sound came out, and I'm like, I still like movies without sound. I love Buster Keaton. Yeah. Dude, Sherlock Jr. is playing the film for him. We should go. Ooh. Is that Buster Keaton? Yeah, yeah Buster Keaton's a fucking genius

I mean, unbelievable That guy's unruly Broke his back doing anything His neck, I think, too Oh, his neck Maybe it was the neck It might have been both Might have been both

He would do his own stunts Yeah Buster Keaton's crazy He did his own stunts And he thought of them He wrote it, too Like, this guy is on another level Which is crazy Because you could just write out I'm not going to maybe break my neck Yeah, yeah He did his own stunts, and he thought of them. He wrote it, too. Like, this guy is on another level.

Which is crazy, because you could just write out, I'm not going to maybe break my neck. Yeah, yeah. No, he was incredible. And universal, by the way. You can play him in China, and he'll get laughs. Well, that's the genius of silent movies, I guess. Yeah, yeah, Chaplin, too. What do you got?

I got General So here. 1812 to 1885. He was a general. He was very hefty, and he, no. Yeah, like, what's the deal? Military leader. He was a general. He was very hefty. Yeah, like what's the deal? Military leader. I don't know. They just like it. Okay, I didn't know if he made it. Like Colonel Sanders.

He was a colonel and he made chicken. Dude, this is fucking next level. I think I'm just not a rosé guy. Me neither. This is fuck. I normally am not. White wine, I'm like, it's fine. I'll drink it. rosé guy. Me neither. Because this is fuck. I normally am not. Like white wine, I'm like, it's fine.

I'll drink it. But I like red wine better. But like, this is fucking solid. All right, let me give you a peeve. Hit me. This thing has bothered me for years. I could never think of it when you asked. And it happened to me again. And I wrote that shit down.

Toot sweet. I'm laying in bed. You know, I have trouble trouble sleeping much like you i'm not a good sleeper awful i haven't slept all weeks yeah i haven't slept all fucking week not once this week it's amazing when you get a good night's sleep i feel like i'm superman i'm on roids i feel so energetic but uh i get no sleep and my lady can fucking go out like cosby victim i mean it's just like a drop of a hat. I'm going to bed. She's done.

She's in there. It's gone. I'm like, ah. Too bad you're not Cosby. I know, right? But she's gone. She's out. In two seconds, it's a gift.

If you have that at home, that's a gift. It's a gift. It's like the people don't get hung over. You're like, that's a gift. It's unreal. Yeah. So I can't sleep. I'm laying in bed thinking about childhood, you know, bedwetting, my scary dad, whatever.

But she'll wake up in the morning and nudge me and go, hey, you sleeping? You ever have that? Hey, you sleeping? I'm like, are you kidding? If I was sleeping, now you woke me up. So that's ruined. And if I'm not sleeping, you would know it. So now you just ruined the morning.

She's like, you sleeping? You up? You sleeping? I'm like, yeah, I was. You ruined it. It's all over. I can't go back. It's done.

I hate that you're sleeping. Are you asleep? What do you mean, am I asleep? If I was asleep, I wouldn't answer you. Am I snuggled up holding my teddy bear? Yeah, I'm asleep, bitch. Yes. Was I snoring?

Then yes, I was asleep asleep now you woke me up so i gotta wake up answer your question then the morning's ruined yeah you're sleeping i'm real bad i get anxiety i get this shit where like you go into bed usually when i get my anxiety my heart's racing when i know i've got six hours and i'm like shit if i go to sleep right now i get six hours so my heart starts racing then i'm like shit, shit, five hours. Yes. Yes. And I just don't sleep. Yes. So this morning.

This morning, I shot up when the alarm went off because I'm just I was awake. Yeah. So it's like it sucks. I just wake up like an hour before the alarm. I'm just do I haven't slept all week because I had to reroute my flight. Yeah. From Portland because of the hurricane here, which I was telling Mark. I'm like, dude, you should change it.

I have neurotic parents. so my dad is like, you can't try to land at LaGuardia. There's a hurricane all day. And I'm looking at him like, shit, there is a hurricane all day. Let me call Delta. And I would land at midnight. I would have been fine. And of course, my dad's like, blazes.

I'm like, first off, I'm like, they have a better grasp of the weather than you do. They're literally dealing with the weather. Wow, these are Jews. better grasp of the weather than you do yeah they're literally well these are jews we do control the weather yeah but uh you know so i i canceled my flight i flew to la and then i so i lost another day wow it's another travel day but i'm telling mark and mark is like i'm gonna chance it and mark makes mark fucking rolling the dice and coming up with two sixes every fucking time not only did i make it i made it on time with like a little bit early. And it was raining.

I mean, the turbulence was no joke. So there was a part of me like, Sam was right. I'm going to die. And we hit that runway. You ever have those flights where you're like, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr? It was one of those landings. And the whole plane went, brr, you know? And then we landed.

And I get out. And it's pouring rain and i was like i'll never get an uber who's gonna drive in and i got an uber instantly drove in the rain straight to from newark right to the house i was home at like noon on sunday damn yeah why i definitely put a scared mark for a second like what the fuck but no you text me you landed and i was like oh i was like so jealousy man wait do we have to do an ad yeah we should let's do an ad oh i see matt uh grabbing his balls we might be drunk is uh sponsored by better help what's standing in the way of achieving your goals figure it out with

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And this is perfect because we talked about the bridge. So it all rolls together. What an episode. You gotta give me a bit. Oh boy. Well I got a bit that i'm i'm excited about but i'm worried that you might have it oh shit so i want to well i'll be able to tell you if i do although i don't know if i you ever on the road and the crowd yells out a bit for you to do and you don't remember it oh yeah don't tell me to do bits i'm like i don't fucking know that joke anymore yeah do the white knight

joke i don't know what it's like a six minute bit you know it's like an eight minute eight minute bit that that's a lot of fucking remember intricate parts and yeah and if you get one part wrong although if you do it i i'll tell you this i did the stupid again because i wanted to see if i could do it on the road the stupid magician bit oh yeah yeah and and it killed i i got it but i had to listen to it like four or five times yeah let me just uh-huh here's where i do oh yeah yeah and and it killed i i got it but i had to listen to it like four or five times yeah let me just uh-huh here's where i do this okay yeah and i'm listening to it on the fucking roof like it's not like i'm listening to in the club so i'm like here's here's where i pause okay helicopter right exactly but then you uh you know you get into the rhythm

of it and you're like i got it oh yeah no once you get it you're just talking like you forget it's a bit and you're like oh this is like how i yeah, no, once you get it, you're just talking. Like you forget it's a bit and you're like, oh, this is like how I tell it to a friend at the bar. Right, right. You get to that point where you get that comfort where you're like, this is how I just talk. Exactly, exactly. Alright, so my bit, and tell me if this is too close to something you have and

we'll knock it out, but uh, tell me about your biological father. Yeah, it's a joke about how I'm Jewish and the seltzer is anti-Semitic. So I'm doing this, trying to do this whole chunk about how technology keeps getting better,

but people are getting worse. You know, people are getting fatter, but TVs are getting thinner. Like, technology is beating us, you know? And like, you're talking to some guy, you meet a guy and you're like, Hey, where are you from? What do you do? What's your favorite color? You got to do all the bullshit. And you're like, man, I wish I could skip intro, you know, technology's thought of all

these things and we're still doing this bullshit, you know? And like you meet a guy, remember when you met a guy who could speak three languages, you were like, wow, it's amazing. But now I got Google translate. So it's almost making us shittier because we don't have to learn as much we got you used to have a guy who knew directions i know how to get there take a right on broadway take two lefts and you're there now i got google maps i like that angle the first part is a little similar you know that joke i have where it's like uh where you like when someone's telling you a boring story and you wish you could just tap their face like like it's a YouTube video and you're like,

all right, thank God, 20 seconds left. So Skip Intro is a little similar, but I mean, maybe it fucking works. I don't know, man. I like the idea of like how three languages, say the last part again. Just like you used to meet a guy who knew two languages or whatever,

and you're like, damn, this guy's a genius or whatever. This guy's so smart, but now I don't have to learn them because i got google translate i'm done so the phone is knowing directions means nothing anymore that was a cool guy back then remember it was like take a right on third take two lefts and you're there you know and you're like wow this guy's the man now there's a guy to gas station with a cigarette just waiting for someone to ask just waiting for a guy the last man with a flip phone to ask for directions. Right, right.

And any information some guy knew is like, this guy knows everything about World War II. He's a buff. Now I'm a buff because I can just pull it up. Everybody's a buff. Everyone's a buff. But it used to be like your thing. Like, I have a thing.

I know about this. Or I'm that guy. I'm the guy who knows about you know whatever uh civil war or or the the moon land or i know i think i know everything about kennedy now there's a million documentaries it's like you don't really have to read or learn there's a million ways to take in information but the phone is always if your phone dies you plug it in, it's back. Nana dies, that's it. You know, the phone is... I had a joke, too.

Oh, okay. When my grandpa died, I said my grandpa was eight and nine, my phone was brand new. I said, I think it'd be cool if when your grandpa died, if you got an upgrade. You're like, he's just like your grandpa, but he doesn't say the N word. Like, that's an upgrade.

Does he still say Oriental? They're like, yeah, we couldn't fix everything. That was one of my jokes. Oh, that was on Conan. That was an oldie Yeah, yeah That's an old bit of mine Alright, well that's too similar But do you see my point?

It's tough, we fucking We spent too much time together So we started hacking into each other's bits That's what happened Right, right, right We attack everything Well, we do You know what?

We're both jokey So it's like When you both do observational jokes You're We've We've both done this we're like has this been done yeah and we've both been like that's my bit yeah yeah well it's like when you write that much together that's just gonna happen and we mine everything like you know how many times i've written the thing about uh the software update and like your girlfriend's annoying you're

like oh tell me later and i'm like oh that's a sam bit yeah but i've thought of that bit like remind me later yeah yeah the women who try to change you that was an old bit of mine like women they try to change you like you know uh well how's it go again it's my fucking bed but it'd be like uh can i change you oh no no uh you know the the software update on your phone remind me that's basically a relationship yes women. Women trying to change you, and you're like, hey, do you want to do this today? Remind me later. That's basically dating. That's a great bit, but I've had that so many times

where the girl is doing that shit. Because that shit's real. It's real. That shit is fucking real. Yep, yep, yep. Let me ask you an etiquette question. Please. So I saw a comic.

He posted a joke on his Instagram today, and it was funny. And the first comment was from another comic who said, oh, I've had this idea before, but you put it together. He was complimenting him, but also insulting him. No, I don't think it's an insult. I think it's a compliment. Yeah. Because he's saying, like, I've had the thought,

but I couldn't make it a good joke. So I think it's actually a compliment. I think it's a compliment. Yeah. Because he's saying like, I've had the thought, but I couldn't make it a good joke. So I think it's actually a compliment. I think it's a compliment in person, but on Instagram it reads differently. That's a good point. Yeah. Like if you're saying it to each other, that's a compliment. But like putting it out for everyone to see is like, oh, this is a thought I've had. I don't know.

That's a good point. Yeah. You're probably right. I guess people have said it to me at shows. No one's ever written it on my posts that I know. Yeah, I hear that. But I think, that's the thing

about comedy, is putting it together in a funny way is the hard part. Will Ferrell is funny, but if you put him on stage with a microphone, I don't think he could construct. That construction is really the hardest part of stand-up he could if he he would but he would be like joe perra he would be like you know he would be in a character he'd be an avant-garde performer so will ferrell's amazing amazing he's

not doing like joke jokes like we're doing but he's doing like he'd be doing something unique in a way he would kill yeah there's no way that will ferrell would not kill at a fucking comedy club he's too funny but when you watch seinfeld do some kind of thing about uh like you know we all want to be home and then you want to go out and then when you go out you want to get home like that is so much uh like fine tuning in that bit it just takes that takes so much repetition and trial and error and tweaking and all that shit. But Will Ferrell, see him at any award show and he goes up and just murders.

He knows how to construct. I disagree with that. I don't know about construction. I think he murders because the crowd is preloaded to laugh at him. And all he has to do is give straight lines. He's not saying funny lines. I've seen comedians go up with those shows and bomb, though. I don't know. They're trying to make funny punchlines. He's not saying funny lines. I've seen comedians go up with those shows and bomb, though. I don't know.

Because they're trying to make funny punchlines. He's just being a straight man, and everyone's laughing at his straight man comedy. I've got to disagree. I think Will Ferrell is like— I'm not denying he's funny. It makes me laugh. It makes the crowd laugh. Here's what's genius about Will Ferrell.

He was trained as a Shakespearean actor. Really? To my point. Like Leslie Nielsen. Yeah. So he can be so, he's so serious that it's funny. When he gets mad, he's like,

oh, I want to whatever, and you're like, man, that's so funny. Is that true? Shakespearean? Shakespearean. That's why he's so good, because he's going over the top serious, which is actually funny.

It's like Glenn Howard in From It's Always Sunny, who plays Dennis. He was like a Juilliard actor. Oh, there you go. So it's like when he goes that hard, you're like, oh, shit. This guy is the best. Yeah, it's like Ted Knight in Caddyshack. He's going all in.

He's the funniest one in the movie. I'm going to say a fucking bold statement. I think Ted Knight's the funniest person in Caddyshack. Oh, yeah. It's between Rodney and Ted Knight. That's not even bold, I think. You think Ted Knight's the funniest? I think he's easily the funniest.

It's hard for me to go against Rodney ever. Rodney's number two, don't get me wrong. But Chevy and Bill Murray by a mile in that movie. I got nothing. All right. Well, I got to work that bit around your bit somehow. Yeah, just watch that Conan assist, the last two jokes. I remember this.

The one when we were in the red flannel. Matt, are we over an hour? Oh, we're well over. Yeah, we'll wrap up and it's happened to my joke i'll tell you i'm trying to do my material matt well you're trying to shorten the episode that people want to hear yeah uh no uh that movie is fucking classic that's that's a one blanket movie. Yeah, for sure. And they had fun making it too. What were you saying, Matt? Oh, I was watching an old Rodney clip on Carson and he was talking about being in Caddyshack before it had come out. And he was just like, I'm in this movie.

And it was like almost his break into movies. He hadn't really been in anything. Was he in Easy Money before that? I think so. It was like 81, 82. But I think this, I don't know. No, Caddyshack was 70s. I'm DBing, hold on. Did you hear the story

about Joe Pesci apparently trying to bond with Dangerfield because he's a method actor and he would be like, we're in this movie together we're playing kind of scumbags, let's go to the dog track and Dangerfield's like, no, don't do that. I think the whole thing was like, he was like, you read your lines to me and you read and i'll read them back that's how it worked and

he just like started stealing his lines that were funny oh no yeah caddyshack 80 easy money 83 all right wow okay and then when was back to 85 86 yeah that was his first like that just was my favorite by a lot yeah that just schools the funniest I don't know if he did a good movie after that. Meatwally Sparks has moments. Oh, get out of here. It has moments, but I'm talking about a good movie. Natural Born Killers. Great movie.

Is that a great movie? Yeah. It's a good movie. Oliver Stone and fucking Tarantino? Fuck you. It's a good movie. Well, I like them both, but I mean, anybody can put out horse shit. You think it's horse shit?

Lady Bugs is pretty good. I'm not saying that's horse shit. At least we know she's not Two-Face. She'd be wearing her other face, all right? You couldn't make Lady Bugs now, by the way. Why? Well, it's a guy dressing up as a woman. It's just some gender shit in there.

Oh, Tootsie, Do You Want a Man? Come on, that's been done. I know. I'm saying now you couldn't. Have we watched Tootsie recently? That shit holds up. Holds up. I watched it again recently, too. That's a great movie't. Have we watched Tootsie recently? That shit holds up. Holds up. I watched it again recently too.

That's a great movie. No one talks about Tootsie. That is a good one. Bill Murray. Bill Murray. Yeah. As a playwright. Yeah.

Dustin Hoffman is one of the best ever. Unreal. Unreal. He's great. That's a lovable character. Yeah, yeah. I mean, The Graduate, and then Marathon Man,

and then Sleep sleepers he does the fuckers he can do it all he did i mean kramer versus kramer i've seen that movie like four times i don't know why i fucking cry every time that movie breaks me that ending with the french toast are you fucking kidding me you know if you don't if you don't break at that scene you're not you're made of stone that's's brutal, man. That's such a New York movie. I love- Very New York.

Dustin Hoffman, man. Everything's in. It's fun to think about when that came out, crowds in a theater live crying, probably. That's so crazy to make a crowd cry. It's probably like getting a laugh for the director. Okay, I just want to tell you this run right here. Listen to this run.

Okay, this is Dustin Hoffman, The Graduate, 67, Midnight Cowboy, 69. Best picture. Straw Dogs. Yep. Papillon, Lenny. Wow, great and Lenny. All the President's Men. These are back-to-back now.

I think also best picture. Marathon Man. Wow. Straight Time, seriously underrated. This is a great wreck. He's a small-time criminal great wreck straight time straight time Then a movie and then Kramer vs. Kramer tootsie death of a salesman Then he takes some time off does Ishtar and Rain Man. I said death of a salesman on Broadway

That's a fucking run Rain Man. I saw death to the salesman on Broadway. Guess who played the lead? Brian fucking Dennehy. Whoa. Incredible. Wow. He murdered it, dude. Wow. It was incredible.

Interesting. Why is that on Broadway all the time? That should just be on loop on Broadway. Because it's just, oh, why isn't it? Yeah. You're right. It's a classic. Yeah, that should just be like Wicked.

I see Wicked more than Death of a Salesman well wick is probably more do you ever see the south park where it's like the whole premise is like the show wicked has subliminal messages to get your wife to suck your dick oh my god so all the husbands just take their wives to get blown so they're all just getting their dick sucked right after wicked genius like you gotta take her to wicked dude it'd be nice. It's a little give and take. We don't want to see Wicked. Come on.

I do like musicals, though. I do, too. Wicked looks like shit, though. West Side Story was one of my favorite movies as a kid. Oh, dude. Tonight. Tonight. Officer Krupke has got some of the best jokes in comedy.

Krup you. Yeah. Yeah, the whole song's about bad parents and drug addicts and alcoholics. It's great. West Side Story is incredible. Sondheim is a fucking genius. Genius. Those old Jews, man.

I think that oppression, like, I mean, they were just, like, Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner, those guys were just killing it back in the day. Good music. There's something, like, so satisfying about a good musical because it's not my go-to genre, so if you crush it, you're pulling me in. Oh, dude. Springtime for Hitler, all that shit was amazing.

The producers of the fucking Zero Mostel. That's a clinic. Underrated movie, too. The Front. Woody Allen with Zero Mostel. Oh, he told me about that and I watched it. At my house. That's a good one. No.

You didn't watch it at my house? No. That was somebody else. Zero Mostel, one of the best. Yeah, yeah. Esty at the Comedy Cellar, bro. She fucking loves the producers. I was going to say she dated him or something.

She dated Zero Mostel. Talk about self-esteem issues. Hey, your name's Zero. Jesus Christ. You couldn't name me One? Yeah. I'll tell you, no respect. You could name it Fraction, something.

Yeah, but I guess it's all up from there. My brother's name was Ten. I'll tell you, I got no respect, you know? Woo! It is kind of a cool name, though, Zero. Zero Murill. That's a good name. Well, Gilbert Arenas was an awesome basketball player.

He was number zero. His nickname was Agent Zero. And he goes, I picked number zero because that's how much time my college coach said I would get in the NBA. Whoa. So it was like a fuck you, and he was a beast. He was a great player. I mean, I hate to say it, but a fuck you is a good tool for efficiency. Anybody who was like, that guy said i'll never make it or

you're a piece of shit they all like rose up well that's the ones we hear about some people probably were pieces of shit we hear about the legends the other ones are fucking just pieces of shit they jumped off the bridge i'll tell you they got no respect you know that's all it comes back to the bridge uh let me tell you a joke idea. All right, all right, hit me. So here's the idea I had. I had, so my girlfriend was someone she'll get mad at me. She'll be like,

I'll make a move on you during a movie and you never want to have sex during a movie. And I'm like, yeah, I don't want to have sex during a movie I picked. I'll fuck you during 13 going on 30. I'm not going to bang you during Godfather 2. Right, that's great. So it's like, you know, I'm trying to think of the turn.

It's something about like, here's what you say after a great movie. Wow. We've never said that after I fucked you. We never watched Dog Day Afternoon and went, I'm so sorry. Right, right, right. Also, that's a great review of a movie. Like the critics, two thumbs up or i would have fucked during that you know like that movie is so bad i would have i would have

rather fucked yeah there's something there though that's funny yeah yeah it's true though because when you're wrapped in a movie you're in i mean i'm very it's tough because women just take their time with shit that's just the truth is. Whether it's like there's a bathroom break, they're like, oh, I'm going to do this. I'm going to go to the kitchen for a second. I'm like, I'm watching the movie and I want to start it again. Once I'm in a movie, I don't like, I've watched movies with Matt. We're kind of just like zoned in. I've watched movies with you.

We're just kind of zoned in. It's like women are just different. They can kind of get up and be like, I'm going to do this for a minute. I want to watch the movie. All right, here's the turn. You want me to take a break from this movie to fuck you. What if I was fucking you and then took a break to watch a movie? That's good.

How would you like that? Hold on. You're about to come. Let me go pop in Goodfellas. Almost there. Almost there. Yeah, let's try After Hours. You like Scorsese, right. Yeah, let's do, let's try let's try After Hours. You like Scorsese, right?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Something there for sure. It's true, yeah. When we're locked in, we're locked in, you know? It's the same with like, I don't know, the guy who built the Golden Gate Bridge or the 16th Chapel. This episode's gonna be called the Golden Gate Bridge.

But like Michelangelo, I'm sure he was a horny guy. He was probably like, hold on, quit blowing me. I got to finish this pointing. You know, the God's touching the guy. I like that I complain. I like that my complain is my girlfriend wants to have sex with me. Yeah, that's a good point. I sound like a real fucking twat.

Yeah, well. I will say this. Here's the thing. I love having sex with my girlfriend. I also love good movies. Can I love both? You're a cinephile and a pedophile. Oh, my God.

13 going on 30. That's not good. No, that's not good. I didn't care about that. I just was going off file. Women love... Here's the thing. You love whatever movie you grew up on.

My girlfriend's younger than me. She's 13. Going on 30. Going on 30. No. She loves that movie, 13 going on 30. And I've watched it with her. It's fine.

You know what? It's not a terrible rom-com. I don't like it, but I'm like, what? I'm just saying these movies, these cheesy-ass movies, this is a problem with having a younger girlfriend it was not as bad as i thought it would be so you wanted to watch straw dogs or dog day no wonder she doesn't like those movies she likes she did like them she was she fell asleep during dog day because she was just we do we've been traveling every week we're

exhausted okay so no she woke up and she's like that was incredible i think she just she missed like 15 20 minutes of it you know but we watched uh and she loved insider, that was incredible. She missed like 15, 20 minutes of it. But we watched and she loved Insider. That's a Pacino. We watched Tootsie. She loved Tootsie. I mean, she'll appreciate I mean, dude, I'm showing her we watched Sunset Boulevard. We're watching classics.

I'm not... Okay, that's a slow one. I'm an annoying movie guy where I'm like, we gotta watch the classics too. How would she feel if you tried to break into sex during 10 Things I Hate About You? Do you think she'd go for it? First off, that's a solid movie. First off, Heath Ledger fucking rocks. So let's not even.

That is a good movie. It's Taming of the Shrew. A modern version. It's Shakespeare. Yeah, it is. I mean, that movie is solid. I remember seeing that movie in the theater. That's how good Heath Ledger is.

I remember seeing that movie in the theater being like, how good Heath Ledger is. I remember seeing that movie in the theater being like, that's a fucking movie star. When he sings to her, that dude commit. I love you, baby. That's a good movie. Yeah, it is a good movie. Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

What happened to that guy? He's great. I know. Larry Miller is in it. He's good in it. Larry Miller is great, always. He's a great actor. One of the best Curb episodes The Palestinian Chicken We're so on the same fucking wavelength It's scary But yeah, wait a minute

I'm still working on this bit here We gotta get back to the bit We're going off on He's talking about cell phones You gotta make a move This bruise is. He's talking about cell phones, this guy. All right? He's all right. You got to make a move during... This bruise is good. It's good. It's good, and it's hitting.

You got to make a move during 13 going on 30. That's the test. Yeah. Like, is she willing to take a break from the film? Also, maybe there's something to the older thing. Like, when a movie was on... Nah, that's no good. I was going to say, like, when a movie was on TV,

it was on TV. You had to watch it. We grew up in the cable era. She grew up in the digital era. You know what I was thinking of, dude? Think about this. You watch TV now. You watch Netflix. You watch Hulu. You watch HBO, whatever. You skip intro. You rewind. The next episode starts. Pause.

The next episode starts immediately. I watched, so I was watching Detroiters with her. And there's commercials because it's on Comedy Central. So we're like, oh, shit. So we're just making small talk in between the commercial. People used to talk more. That's how little we talk to people now. There's a fucking commercial and we're like shit how do we fill this 90 seconds

get your phone out look at something yeah totally but that's what has become of us we've become so consumed by this fucking shit i think you answered your own problem yeah sex during the commercials i'll tell you there it is 90 seconds that's perfect that's a great bit yeah sex during the commercial you can get off in 30

I'll tell you I can get off in 20 I'll tell you come on the problem is it's that SPCA commercial with the fucked up dog you know

he's all cold and you're like I will remember you his ass missing an eye you're like look at that pussy yeah my dick turned into a twinkie. What the hell?

Wait, I gotta say this before we get out of here. I know we gotta wrap this thing up, but I was on a United flight last week, leaving Appleton in a hurricane, coming to New York. I get on the flight. I'm in 28D. I'm in the back of the plane because I'm a piece of shit. And

this gigantic, buff, hot french flight attendant comes up to me and i got status so i board first so i'm sitting there alone in the back of the plane he goes oh my god i am a fan of we might be drunk i love the show can i get a photo i'm like yeah sure i'm hung over it's like six in the morning i'm like yeah yeah the sure. I'm hungover. It's like 6 in the morning. I'm like, yeah, yeah. The photo's going to go. Post this photo, sir, whatever you're doing. This guy was a hunk. Super sexy guy. And I was sleeping on the plane. I passed out.

I took a couple pills and passed out. I wake up. This guy's got, like, beers on my tray. He takes some fentanyl. I took a little Green Hulk, a little fentanyl. But he's popping beers on the tray. Because he's like, oh, you're a drunk. We might be drunk.

So he's putting out. He's giving me free beer he's loading me up but i'm like dude it's six in the morning i can't even look at this shit right now we need a break every once in a while i had a beer just to be like all right i'll take it i want to be a beyond brand but uh no sleep this guy's just pouring beer down my throat because he loves the show so thank you sir i forgot your name was like jean michel or some shit jean-claude yeah the vaccine is bullshit uh make sure to email us that we might be drunk pod at gmail.com for the patreon you know we're opening packages if you send us gifts or alcohol whatever stuff you want us to put up in the studio that's at uh gotham studios on 38th street look it up on google i don't know yeah mark where are you gonna be on the road man i'm all over the road what does this come out in 2018 what is this oh great all right

i'm in uh arlington virginia right now i mean arlington texas right now jesus big difference yeah big diff texas come on out uh nashville portland madison wisconsin atlanta oh my god new orleans yeah i got some hot dates coming up check the mark norman comedy.com check it out those are hot days grinder yeah i'm all over the road praise allah taliban i got left boston this weekend i got on there too later. Oh dude. Six shows. Hopefully we had a seventh. Let's keep fucking rocking. I can't wait.

We've added two already. Let's keep this party fucking rocking. September 2nd through 4th, Boston. We got, uh, we got Millersville, Pennsylvania,

the 15th. We got helium and Philly, September 16th through 19th. We got moon tower in Austin. I'm doing a bunch of one-man shows. Bullshit. I mean, I'm doing my headline. I don't know why I said one-man show. St. Louis, Indy, Springfield, fucking Chicago, Illinois.

All at samuel.com. Oh, you're doing the Blue Room. That's exciting. I love that. That's a good room. That's classic. Yeah, yeah. A little fun workout room.

I love that place. Great studio. You got a thing coming out soon. Dude, Sally and I have a project we've been working on. Norman's in it. It's going to be great. Everybody's in it. We're basically working on a project.

It's about like the comedy clubs opening up again in New York City during the pandemic. It's called Full Capacity or 100% Capacity. Either. We'll decide on one of them. But I like full. I like full, too. I think we'll go full capacity. Ooh, good title. We'll decide on one of them. I like full. I like full, too. I think we'll go full capacity. But we got, you know, amazing comics that have marks in it.

Colin Quinn. Salvo Cano. Ray Romano. Ray Romano's in it. Sam Jay. Taylor Tomlinson. Ronnie Chang. Ooh.

Fucking. It's Chris Redd from SNL. We got a squad of people in it uh it's gonna be great you're gonna love it and uh it comes out early september and it's gonna be killer all right it's a feel-good piece about coming back from the pandemic similar to what we did with up on the roof but it's much more conversational with comics you're gonna love it can't wait to show it to you on my youtube. Hell yeah. I'll tell you. You're right, you guys.

YouTube's taking over. I'm at the Stress Factory in New Jersey. Oh, I forgot that. But yeah, that's going to be hot. When are you at Stress Factory? Next weekend. Not this weekend, but the one after. So we just added it.

That's a classic weekend, man. Oh, I love it. It's Friday, Saturday. We love you, Vinny. Yeah, Vinny. Great club, great town, New Brunswick. And I got a Netflix coming out, but that's in November. But yeah, who knows?

We'll see what happens. So yeah. I'll tell you. Keep drinking. Join the Patreon. Tell a friend. See us live. Send us an email.

And give them hell out there. Keep drinking. Comedy. Comedy. Comedy. Thank you.