We Might Be Drunk - Ep 39: Back From The Dead

Episode Date: September 6, 2021

This episode is sponsored by Better Help, Lucy.co and MyBookie! We got Salacuse in studio giving stuff a Goog for us. Thanks to The BarJew Dan for getting us drunk. Thanks to Matt (a different person from Salacuse) for producing and Gotham for hosting. Send us emails [e-mail] Send us packages: Gotham Podcast Studio 39 West 38th Street, 10th Fl New York, NY 10018 Join the Patreon for bonus episodes weekly and more bonus content: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Welcome to We Might Be Drunk, we're back baby, I'll tell ya. Welcome to We Might Be Drunk. We're back, baby. I'll tell ya. Hey, good to be back. Lots to talk about. Sun is shining. It's 8 million degrees in Manhattan. Good to see you, Fetty. Good to see you. Sally. Barju. Yes. Good to have you back. We missed you for a week, but what are you making for us, Sloppy Jalopy?

Today we're making Corpse Survivors No.. And it's like a hangover drink. It's a Corpse Survivor. It's like way, way old from the 1870s. It was arrived in the 1930s at the Savoy Hotel in London. And the guy who wrote it down in the 1930s said, you know, it's a great, it's all booze, but you can't taste it. Wow. So it's a great, and it'll make you feel nice and chipper. But he said if you have four of these back toto-back, it'll unrevive your corpse.

It'll kill you. It's funny because back then, they didn't have Coca-Cola. They didn't have, you know, Welch's and Mountain Dew and all that. They had to just make shit out of, like, mushed grapes, and they didn't have Fanta. You know what I mean? That's your first thought of the 1800s. They didn't have Fanta. They also didn't have, like, real doctors.

That's true, too. That's worse. Yeah, yeah, that's true that is worse but i'm just saying like to be a mixologist back then you had to really use the basics for sure but that's probably why those are the classics like the old drinks are the best for a reason because you needed them that's true yeah isn't it weird back in the day like they said kids would drink because water was unhealthy because it could be pond water or have shit in it or whatever. But so they would all drink beer as like a drink. It's hilarious. You see a three year old.

You're like, put that water down. Have a beer like a man. Right. Right. It's got to be safe. Have a cocktail. Yeah, I remember that. I think some of that was in the Prohibition doc, too, I think.

The Ken Burns. What were you this weekend? Arlington, Texas. Oh, boy. Yeah, not bragging. It was rough. Really? Well, it's basically like Dallas, Fort Worth,

and Arlington's like the taint right in the middle. And there's nothing there except for the Cowboy Stadium. That's the only thing keeping that town on the map. Yeah. I love the the map. Yeah. I love the Michael J. Fox. Or the Muhammad Ali. Yeah, I was in Royal Oak, Michigan. Great club, Comedy Castle.

Great club. Good time. Got my boy Anthony DeVito with me. That's killer. Dude, some of those shows were great, and then some you're like, that's a big venue, so. Yeah, it goes back and back yeah and they

drink classic yeah classic club got delayed five hours on the way back five hour delay oh hell this looks man jesus christ wow show guys this looks like when you've been saving up a nut for like three weeks those poor hotel towels or in your case, your hand. Cheers. Wait, corpse revival. Reviver. Reviver, got it. Ooh, with the little skull, can't go wrong there.

Wow. Wow, I can picture tasting this hungover, and this would help so much. Yeah, it's like an elixir, more than anything. Give us the ingredients. So it's gin, London dry gin, L'Ole Blanc, which is like a French aperitif, like a sweet wine, kind of like a Moscato.

Cointreau and lemon. All three quarters, once again. I thought there was an absinthe in this. There is an absinthe spritz, like a rinse. So like I have this little perfume bottle and I just dab it over. Do you want to give it a try? What a rinse. So I have this little perfume bottle, and I just dab it over. Do you want to give it a try? What a pro.

Got the perfume bottle full of Spritz. Give me a Spritz. I can't say no to absinthe. Oh, yeah. Put a little queef on top. Wow, that has got an aroma. It's like licorice-y, right, almost? Yeah, wormwood.

That's like the active ingredient. Wormwood. Good doc, Errol Morris. That's right. And I think a Netflix show. Yeah. No, it was That's like the active ingredient. Wormwood. Good doc, Errol Morris. That's right. And I think a Netflix show. Yeah. No, it was on Netflix, the doc. Oh, I thought that was a sitcom.

Not Errol Morris, dude. You know Errol Morris. That guy rules. Documentary director. Is he Thin Blue Line? Yes. Masterpiece. They say it's one of the best docs of all time.

I think it is. It's almost like one of those Netflix docs of all time i think i think it is yeah it's like almost like one of those netflix docs before they now they have to do like 10 episodes to like just keep you on the app but back then you're like no it's a movie yeah we're not using fat why is uh errol gone isn't that weird as some names just go away like you never meet a duncan you never meet an errol there's a few others i can't think of what's some other names you don't hear anymore? Gladys. Yeah, yeah.

Ethel. Gertrude. Yes. They just kind of fizzle off. Like, at some point, people are going to go, oh, Tiffany. No one's called Tiffany. But Rosemary. Rosemary's a cool name.

Good name. Good baby. Good spice, too. Oh, yeah. That's right. Rosemary chicken. All right. Rosemary chicken. Dude, we get delayed five hours at Delta in Michigan.

Detroit Airport. It's a hub. It's a hub. Whatever that means. I know. It's got a decent sky club, I guess. We're in the club. You're in the club now? I'm in the club, baby. I'll tell you. I'm in the club. I'm nervous around you now. I gotta shape up. I didn't know you were a club guy now if you get canceled you lose club access too can i tell you that what no i'm kidding i don't want to lose that club no

uh dude five hour delay though no apology then you get on board and they do the whole uh we thank you for being a uh adult uh for flying and like to him like, oh, that was very nice. Thanks for saying that. I also hate we're going to make up for it in the air. They say that a lot. Do it all the time. Make up for it all the time. That's a Seinfeld joke.

Is it really? Yes. Oh, my God. Sorry. Welcome to the 80s. Good stuff, though. Good to have you. But it's a good point.

It's like, why don't you just, you know what it is? I asked this question to a pilot. It burns more fuel if you go faster. So they don't want to just be burning fuel all day long. Fun fact. You know, it's also, all these announcements now where they have to act like, it's like they're loud as hell too. It's like they're getting louder.

It's like when you're watching a TV show and all of a sudden the commercials are really loud. What the hell is that shit? I almost put that as my peeve. That's so funny. Really? Yeah. Oh my God. I hate that shit. It happens hell is that shit? I almost put that as my peeve. That's so funny. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God.

I hate that shit. It happens a lot when you're watching. I don't know. Whatever. Porn. Yeah. She's like, suck me, suck me. Blue Chew is brought to you by a guy.

Fuck. Wait, she's saying suck me, suck me? Yeah. I don't know who's doing it. It's Asian. Anyway. Yeah. Shit.

I might have revealed too much in that one, Sally. That's sally what is your go-to genre can we ask or is that usually i keep a class i like a milf too it's tough but now they're just our age nah it's a bummer i'm just like i used to be like i'm banging my best friend's mom now i was just like i guess this would just be like a chick right. Good point. Yeah, I like mom teaches daughter. Oh, mom teaches. Yeah. I love that. Educational element. Exactly. Generation to generation.

Yep. Incest. All the greats. It's like a recipe. You're passing it down. Instead of a strudel, it's a suck job. Yes. I like it.

Yeah. You know what's weird is you hear about these women taking blowjob classes. Really? Yeah. I thought that was a myth. No, that's out there. That was an old school. That was Andy Dick, remember?

That was an old school. But is that real? I think it's real. And they practice on what, a carrot? Carrot, a cucumber, a zucchini. You name it. This is online. Eggplant if it's a black guy.

Whatever. Online blowjob courses so you can get your degree online. Online, geez. jeez take that wow that's uh my sean murphy's got a great bit about these like it's so nice of women men would never do this there's no man eating out class you know men are like i'm great i'm great it's such a great point about how women are just nicer well what do you practice on if you're a guy just like slice open a grapefruit and start licking? What do you do?

Yeah, I guess a taco or a Kleenex box. I don't know. That's a good question. Yeah, that's true. That's tougher. Women have more options. The penis, it's easier to find an external shape than inward. I'm learning that women aren't that into the internals. I think I'd go 85% vibrator for women over dildo.

Yeah. That would be my guess. Or stimulation. Yeah, that's my guess. We need a lady in here. But if I was a betting man. Well, the problem is we got fooled with all this soft core porn as kids. Where it's just the owners just ramming the women.

It's like, oh, my God. And you're like, that's not what makes you scream like that. That that's true and then the first time a girl's like slow down you're like oh i never thought about slowing down you know yeah i thought of attacking you like a jack hammer i didn't realize there was finesse involved here exactly exactly i had a lady once i used to hook up with this gal who worked at goldman sex yeah or norman sex i'll tell you she's all right this girl yeah goldman vex but uh i was going down on her and she was like you should tease me first and i was like what do you mean like wouldn't you just want the guy to go right to the panic button the man in the boat and she was like no no fuck with me a little bit lick Lick a little over here, a little over there.

And I was like, what are you crazy? But it blew my mind. But it was a nice note. Good note. It's also funny that you associate eating pussy with a panic button. Well, that's the name of the clit, I thought. Oh, really? That's like a euphemism.

Is it? Never heard it. Again, we need a lady in here. Matt, have you heard panic button? Jeez. I don't think that's a thing. Man, well, tell that to the chat rooms i was in back in the 90s back when i'm smashing her uh anxiety uh button what i like to do is uh no uh you've heard man in the boat man the boat i have yes okay oh is that for the clit yeah that makes sense i've never heard it

looks like a boat it's a guy in there. Yeah. Interesting. Or in the words of David Tell, the clit, it wears a hood like a little racist. That's a good one. That's a classic. Yeah, dude. Sorry. Delta flight.

Oh, it's awful. It's like the amount of announcements. This could be a peeve. The amount of announcements they make now. And they're all like, by the way, shout out to Delta, though, for still though for still serving alcohol yes a lot of airlines i think american doesn't do it no but delta does the announcement where they're like uh do not bring your own alcohol on board who's doing i know it's there's no there's no one in 10d with a fucking old english all right like that's what they take away your booze if here's the thing if you buy booze you got it at the airport so settle down yeah good point good point i mean carlin did that whole thing

about if anyone else packed your bags he's like yeah you know back my bag carrot top he's like this is such stupid it's like a comic who you're like on none of this you got vcr jokes you got oj jokes you got to update that shit no smoking we all know you can't smoke who is smoking on the plane i'll tell you i was just on the subway there's a little kid uh on a scooter and vaping on the train no he's scooting back and forth on the train vaping it's like first off scooter and vape pick one dip right no one let the combo is overbearing right but i see a lot of the cigarette smokes on the train now people just don't give a fuck what yeah just cigarette on the platform well there's the traffic i don't know if you noticed i mean i'm sure you have going to the airport every week the traffic's gotten worse because less people are

on the train but then less people on the train so people are like fuck this i'm doing whatever i want oh interesting yeah you're probably right yeah that's fascinating i never thought about that i haven't seen the smoking guy oh i hate that guy that's ballsy remember uh i opened for bill burr we got shit face at a mexican restaurant first time really hanging out with him he goes you want a cigar of course i'm gonna say yes and we just walked to the subway and i just follow him and he's smoking and he starts he's smoking on the train like on the l train he's smoking late at night is different than sure than uh just midday like yeah two o'clock yeah on a crowded train if there's like no one really on the train it's

different yeah there was one old hobo and like a mexican construction guy but that was it and but no one was like this is crazy we were just that drunk and then i remember you ever have one of those moments in comedy you go i gotta remember this i gotta like absorb this moment because this is special smoking a cigar on the train with bill burr that is special man oh yeah the best i had other complaints about the airport too but i don't know where this is gonna go i i could go all day the airport the five hours thing do you ever try to go okay what work can i do to like compensate for wasting but there's none because you're just angry the whole time. You're just annoyed and drank like six coffees. And you always think I could have slept this whole time.

I know I could have been sleeping, but I got up early to get here on time. And then here we go. Brutal. Yeah. And I think you've complained about this already on the podcast. So correct me if I'm wrong, but they put out the snacks after the flight's been delayed for five hours.

Is that cheering up anybody? I didn't get to see my kids today, but oh, look, a Nutri-Grain bar. Awesome. I mean, don't get me wrong. I am hoarding those. I just put them in my bag. I take them, too, but it doesn't make up for the five hours. No, no.

You can afford a Nutri-Grain, man. I know, but I feel like I'm sticking it to Delta, Johnny Delta up there in the castle. I'm like, fuck you. I'm taking these sun chips you cut. Those are mine. Someone in the castle is watching like, he's hoarding. Get him. I didn't know you were in the Delta Club because I got to tell you, I've been in the United Club and it stinks.

Really? It's not a great club. With the Delta Club. Delta Club's amazing. Get in there. You fly there every week. Don't you use Delta every week? I mix it up, but I'm mostly Delta.

Mix it up? Dude, you got to stay with for the status. I know. I know. Well, what do I need to get in that club? Diamond medallion. All right. You'll get there.

I'm at gold. You'll get there. All right. All right. Take them away every year, though. They kill you. I know. That's why you got to stick with one airline.

Yeah. You fly every week. You'll get it. Yeah, you're right. All right. I'm right. I like Newark. That's my problem. Newark is tough. United. It's a hub. with one airline yeah you fly every week you'll get it yeah you're right all right i'm right i like newark that's my problem newark is tough united it's a hub whatever that means united

enough airplane talk no one gives a shit about this but us i'm sorry for getting no one else in the country is flying no comics only yeah and especially right now but i will say i think we're allowed back in other countries right not europe i Europe, I don't believe right now. What? I think anywhere in Latin America but Brazil. I could be wrong. We could fact check. I don't think we want to go to Brazil.

Yeah, I think. They got fucking polio still in Brazil. They're crazy over there. What is that, EU? EU travel restrictions. What US travelers should know. All right. We're just going to look at the headline.

That's all people read. Anyway, let's be honest. What U.S. travelers should know. All right. We're just going to look at the headline. That's all people read. Anyway, let's be honest. They read the headline. But we got to say, shout out. We had a birthday pass while we were away. And somebody got you something because Lord knows we didn't. Producer Matt, what the hell, buddy? Oh, Matt Peters at Gotham Studios.

Oh, my God. Donuts. Look at these. Look at all these donuts. This looks amazing. Oh my god. What is that? A bear club with bacon? We were talking about this last week.

You went all the way down to Donut Pub? Get on the blower, will you there, sloppy jalopy? I can't hear you. You're a sweetheart.ed what a bad piece of shit holy hell now what do you got here i see bacon i see one might be a turd what do you got here we all have to have a bite we gotta have all four of us beer too sally we gotta do it can we all have a bite you have to take the baconator. Can we all have a bite? You have to take the Baconator, because that's all you. I'll have a bite, but you all have to try it.

Yes. Is that COVID-friendly? We're all VACs, right? What about kosher? Kosher? I'm not that Jewish. I'm joking. I'm Jewish in ways that benefits me.

Complaining. That's about it. Only Jewish for the good stuff. That's true. All right, please. Oh, yeah. oh yeah oh baby doll you earned it oh let's pass it around like a joint yeah it's pretty damn good holy shit i gotta eat that is crack yeah you gotta eat that's that's a dangerous bite todd barry said uh oh my god do my pocket the only reason i haven't had you on my pocket for like two years i'm worried about letting you in my apartment i'm like what do you think i was

gonna do in your apartment what does he mean he was like i don't know i didn't want you in my apartment it felt weird like what i gotta shake a shit on the on the laundry what does that even mean so he todd didn't want you in his place yeah i mean i did it eventually but he was like i don't know where it'd be that's weird well he's a weird guy covid is it eventually, but he was like, I don't know, it worried me. That's weird. Well, he's a weird guy. COVID? Is it a rape? No, it was five years ago. Oh, we're all weird.

Yeah, I remember I did this podcast once, and he was like, you did a gig? And I was like, yeah. He's like, how much did it pay? And I'm like, I'm not going to say on air. That's good for what a rape was in my head. Yeah, Todd Berry, kooky guy, but very funny. Check him out, folks. Great album.

Oh, dude, some of his albums are legendary. Oh, Medium Energy, amazing. I was listening to that in new orleans that's classic oh yeah some of the best albums ever what uh give me a peeve oh so good this is a good ass drink dude have you ever heard a mind eraser of course yeah what's in a mind eraser again i don't actually don't even remember what's in a mind eraser for obvious reasons how perfect yeah but it's like a old school like tiki drink it's like a new orleans uh you know tiki drink something you go down the street with one of those like huge plastic right and stuff yeah i drank those in college and i don't remember much hurricanes we got to do that one week oh it's not a great drink well actually i'm thinking a hand grenade i bet you can i bet

you can make a good hurricane hurricane uh we want to do palomas the other day next week tomorrow maybe we do yeah let's do paloma all right we need tequila i'll bring i'll make like three different types like one for the folks at home one a little more fancy and then all right boy that is so good those donuts are good donut pub fucking rules if you're in new york city donut pub i believe it's on 14th between six 6th and 7th. Between 6th and 7th. Louis C.K. shot an episode of the show there, the episode where he gets bullied by the kid. Oh, that's right.

He's on the date. By the way, that kid, Mike, who played the bully, is like a friend of one of my childhood friends. Whoa. So he's like, he's come to shows before. He's a great guy. And he's a great actor. He's on The Sopranos. Whoa. Yeah, he's one of AJ's friends. Wow, that's a great episode, too. Yeah. great actor. He's on The Sopranos. Whoa. Yeah, he's one of AJ's friends. Wow, that's a great episode, too. Yeah.

So cool. Uh-oh. Michael J. Let's do it. Give me a peeve. Now, this is maybe a hack peeve, because this is a peeve for everybody, but it still gets me to this day, and I got to talk about it. This is maybe a New York thing only,

but people who stand in places where other people need to be going. I'm so with you. You have the guy checking his phone in the turnstiles. He's doing this shit. Then you have the lady having a conversation on her phone at the top of the subway stair on the stairs. What are we doing here? The whole goddamn world's got to get by you.

Oh, my God. Oh, you sick fuck we're not going to be revived for long no no the four is the limit matt are you gonna have one can i get a skosh yeah all right 12 years sober down the drain give him a give him a half a week's load if you know what i'm talking about don't give him that 14 year old boy load things like a gallon dude um i am so on board with you with this one i was getting off the flight and a lady just cuts i'm i'm in front of her and she kind of cuts me off in front of me then she just does the the barely moving walk and i go and i go out loud and she looks behind and she lets me go and i was like you should have known you should

have known you should have known yeah and part of me subconsciously thinks they like that spot because they're like it kind of you know uh tracy morgan had that bit about how black people shit in the pool because it has all the white people to get out it gives you like a little power damn that's tracy morgan's bit i did not know he says it on howard stern give it a goog i'm gonna stop swimming in Harlem. Yeah. Caddyshack. Great scene. Caddyshack.

Perfect. It's the baby Ruth, isn't it? Yeah, the baby Ruth. Then Bill Murray eats it. It's the baby Ruth. She faints. The woman faints. So goddamn. Great moment.

Caddyshack. Yeah. But my point is, I think subconsciously they're like, I'm in the way. You have to move around me. All of you have to move around me. I think it's a little bit of a power thing yeah i remember bill burr used to have a bit about uh i i laugh out loud at the bit but it was like i suddenly i was on a flight and i suddenly had the urge to elbow an old lady in the face just the way he says it it's true oh hell yeah sally

look at that nice can't wait i love, the sound of drinks being made is like, maybe it's like that Pavlov's dog shit, but you just get ready and you're like, let's dance. Yeah. You know, you always hear about rich people with their own chef. I want my own bartender at my house. Why not? I don't need a chef.

I'll go to Taco Bell, but this I need. He's just trying to plan the most unhealthy life possible. I'll go to Taco Bell, but this I need. He's just trying to plan the most unhealthy life possible. I'll go to Taco Bell and have a bartender. That's amazing. Good point. Dude, I'm with you. I want a bartender. How fun would that be?

Yeah, and they seem cooler than a chef. I don't know. Chef's like, I need an enabler. I don't want a healthy guy. I'm with you, dude. These are so good. I got you, Mark. If you need bad decisions made,

I got you. All right, thank you. I met, by the way, I met your fiance. Really? You're getting married? Yep. Everyone's getting married

in here or married. The pressure's on. I'll tell you. Yeah, yeah. Don't tell your lady. She's going to put the, what do you call it, sink the talons in there. That's tell your lady. She's going to put the, what do you call it? Sink the talons in there.

That's what they do. Yeah. It's not a great deal for the man. But we'll get to this later. Yeah, we celebrate it, but it's a 50-50 success rate. Completely, yeah. 50-50. Horrible.

Horrible. The divorce is always ugly. The money, all that shit. It's the kids. But if someone said you have 50% chance for happiness for a lifetime, you take it. You take the chance. Yeah, but just because you're married doesn't mean you're happy for a lifetime. Touche.

Of course. If the doctor said you got a 50-50 shot of surviving, you're not going to say parties Tuesday. Yeah. You know? The Bill Burbit. You go skydiving, there's a 50-50% chance the chute will open. You wouldn't go. But with marriage, for some reason, we're like, ah, fuck it.

Because in that moment, you're certain. So we're celebrating your certainty in at least that moment. Right, right. That's the interesting thing about advice and all the people go, live in the now. You got to live in now. It's all about the present. But then they're like, save up. You got to save.

You got to make good decisions. You got to think about it. So which one is it? Is it the future or is it now? That's a good point. All right. I got that weird thing where nobody responded. So I appreciate it.

We're taking what you're saying in. That doesn't mean it's not good. Inside, I'm panicking. No. With the silence. No, no. Let's have my act now. Finish your reviver. You won't be panicking long, I silence no no this is my finish finish your reviver you

won't be panicking long let's tell you panic button yes panic button never heard the clip called the panic button tell you give that a look i'm on it the panic button i'm telling you it makes sense okay can i give a while we're looking that up, can I give a toast? Here's a weird toast, but to good-ass socks. Oh, interesting. If you've never worn good socks, you need to wear them. Now, are we talking comfort or are we talking like cool-looking? Comfort.

Okay. And cool-looking. And I got both, and I'm bringing you and Matt a pair next week. Is this a rack? Is this a rack? No, this is a toast. Oh. Right now I got you and Sally.

Whoa. Hey. Which colors? Yeah, yeah. Which colors? On his birthday. This is the most Jewish thing you've ever done. I brought you socks.

I got you socks. You gotta be comfortable. Oh, wow. Look at these. They fit perfectly I'm bringing them for you two next week they're killer

I like socks that fit your feet and that are comfy yeah and they look good too this is amazing thank you great socks

soft and thick I'll tell you bringing them for these two next week shout out to Stance send us some free socks the Bear Jew needs them you should

I like them they're really good but we're I think socks it's funny when you can tell you're getting older when you're a kid you're like socks yeah as an adult i'm like socks i know socks as a gift was like a punchline like what are you kidding me socks but you get you can tell you're getting older when you appreciate comfort it's nice i love it and i love your attitude and they're affordable by the way You left the price tag on. But socks, the white man's expression.

Black guys can wear anything. They look super cool. They got hair and cornrows and a weird NASCAR jacket and crazy sneakers. White guys shine through the socks. You ever see some guy pull up and he's got Bart Simpson or fucking Family Guy or something like that? They sell this brand, but Rick and Morty socks. You see? That's what I'm saying. Honky, the socks and the

tie is really where a white guy shines. Because we can't go hard on other stuff. When are we getting those free suits, by the way? What happened with that? Oh, yeah. We had a sponsorship where we get free suits. We're going to do a suit episode. That could be a good martini ep, you know? Ooh, I love it. Suit martinis? That's a great idea mad men

yes oh do old fashions oh i'm in salagues walks by we grab your ass give it real 50s what do you got there we'll do uh manhattans for the fall yeah time for that fall in new york autumn in new york there's nothing better in the fall of this podcast we're gonna get pretty drunk. Oh, yeah. No, the Manhattans are really, I'm honored. Sometimes I'll talk to the crowd. You know, when you hit that 40-minute mark of your set, and you've done 40 minutes of jokes, and you're like,

all right, let me talk to the crowd a little, make this unique. And sometimes I'll be like, what are you drinking over here? Just start it up a little. It gets a different energy going. Yeah. So many of our people drink Manhattans. Really? Yeah. I love that. Because I think they're like real. a little gets a different energy going yeah so many of our people drink manhattan's really yeah because i think they're like real and by the way i get the note uh at the end of the week i'm sure

you get this every time too they're like your crowd drinks yes i love the crowd the comedy club loves that by the way they love you but i mean i remember opening for burt kreischer back in the day and he just jumps on stage shirtless chugs a beer to open his set and everyone's cheering and then he like lifts the shot they all do a shot with him and i'm like oh the club must He just jumps on stage shirtless, chugs a beer to open his set, and everyone's cheering. And then he lifts the shot. They all do a shot with him. And I'm like, oh, the club must love this guy. Oh, yeah.

Just because he drinks, they're drinking. He's making them a ton of money. Yeah. I don't know if this is public knowledge, but he's getting a cut of the bar now. Oh, really? I don't know if I'm supposed to say that. I should text him. But it's like this smart business.

He's such a great businessman, Bert Kreischer, and a funny guy. And we're doing Red Rocks next week. But he's like, he knows the biz. Who can talk more numbers and road dates and like- He's smart. He's a smart guy. Geo-tracking. And who's a better promoter than Bert?

Oh, my God. That dancing video? Oh, my God. That went viral. Incredible. Yeah, man. I love Bert. Yeah, great guy. That's going to be a fun gig. Oh my god, that dancing video? Oh my god, that went viral. Incredible. Yeah, man, I love Burt. Yeah, great guy. That's gonna be a fun gig. Oh my god, we're seeing

Jimmy Buffett the next night. I'm bringing the lady. I mean, I'm sure Burt's got all this crazy shit in store with like a convertible and a coconut bra or something. Something's gonna go down. That's gonna be fun. I'll be in Atlanta that weekend. Hey, Atlanta's great. That hotel stinks. I have to get a different hotel. Hey, Atlanta's great. Yeah. I, I, that hotel stinks.

I had to get a different hotel. I've actually never done the punchline. What? I did the old one. The, the, the real one. You've never done the punchline?

I did the skull. There's also an improv there. Yeah. I'll be there September 9th through 11th. That's funny. You get texts being like, I can't wait for nine 11. Yeah.

Cause that's when, oh man, look at bird go. He can actually move Yeah. Because that's when... Oh, man, look at Burt go. He can actually move. Well, that's the thing. He has dance moves. Burt is an athlete and he's just like drinks, so he's got that little belly. But like... Little belly. Well, he's got a belly. He's also like pushing

50, dude. True. I mean, he truly has the Mickey Mantle thing where... He can dance and he is an athlete. yeah like you're telling me if we played like baseball or something like burke couldn't play really i bet he could swing a bat oh i bet he could play yeah yeah no he's an athlete i didn't say basketball i said baseball i said a sort of sport that suits his physique but i'm saying like i think i feel like burke could play yeah it's funny like you always hear mickeyle Gene, Mickey Mantle Gene, but I never hear about Mickey Mantle.

Well, he died young. Ah. He was an alcoholic, though. I mean, he was a full-fledged alcoholic. You hate to hear that. I heard he was drinking at the games, drank before the game, after the game, hung over at the game. I think his father died when he was 52, when his father was 52. And when he got to 55, he said, I wish i treated my body better if i knew i was

gonna live this long that's hilarious damn well he uh you know mickey mantle man have you ever seen the movie 61 billy crystal directed it great movie yeah barry pepper plays roger maris and thomas jane plays mickey mantle and it's like uh man mickey mantle is just like there aren't cool many cooler athletes than that guy. No. Just a bad motherfucker. Had his own restaurant. I used to have my birthday there when I was a little kid. My family, I'd be like, I was a big Yankees fan. I still am a Yankees fan, but I was a kid

and I was like, we're going to Mickey Mantle's. Yeah. And my parents were like, alright, Mickey Mantle's for dinner. Wow. I love the food. Not good, but I was like, I just like Mickey Mantle. Yeah, no, I get it. If Batman had a restaurant when I was a kid, we got to go eat at Batman's. I love Batman. Well, Michael Jordan's got a steakhouse.

Yeah, and when Chicago, that's probably never going to go out of business, right? No. I mean, Mickey Mantle's went out of business. It was a classic spot. I mean, dude, number seven, two is like a classic number. All those Yankee numbers were retired, right? Two, three.

All the low numbers. Jeter's two. Babe Ruth in three. Gehrig's four. Rizzuto is one. Rizzuto's one. Who's five? Five is... Oh, shit. My ex was a five.

All right. Well, Mantle was originally six, then he became seven. There's a Seinfeld about that. There we go. That's right. DiMaggio, excuse me. DiMaggio is five. How the fuck did I forget DiMaggio?

Fuck the Monroe. I went to Joe DiMaggio Day. And Simon and Garfunkel played. Whoa! Or maybe it was just Paul Simon. They don't play together. Even better. No, I like Garfunkel.

No, they did Where Have You Gone, Joe DiMaggio. So cool. It's sad that we've lost that baseball kind of mythical legend thing. That's over. I mean, you had Jeter. Maybe that was the last one. Mark McGuire. It's still great. It's just not as big a sport. I mean, you're still into baseball. I love baseball. It's beautiful.

It's a pretty sport, but now it's like Jake Paul. We gotta talk about Jake Paul. We don't have to, and I say we don't. We have to. Fuck that. We don't have to do that. It's impressive what he's doing, but. From a marketing standpoint and from, look, sure, it's impressive, but it's not like, are we celebrating being an entrepreneur?

Are we celebrating greatness? But he's still in the ring with these guys. He's still doing it. He's still face to face. It's not like. That's fine, but I just saw clips. I'm like, this doesn't. It's ugly boxing.

It's ugly boxing. It's not like like do you like the sport or not i'm not boxing is not one of my like top three or four favorite sports yeah but just watching it for someone who doesn't even know boxing like well this isn't good sure it's more of like the feat like hey got here this guy set this up and he's making 100 million dollars this is crazy this youtube star no he's rich for sure you know what it feels like it feels like when a meme guy blows up and you're like, we're out there grinding it. We're cutting our teeth. We're bombing. So that's why we shouldn't be talking about it.

That's my argument. Because there are real boxers who are like putting the work. Sure. And this guy's putting the work, but it's like, come on, putting the work at that level. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm torn on it because he made it. He got up there, but he did it a different way.

And then I'm like, but it's ugly. But he still did it. And he's still in the ring, but it's not pretty. So I'm torn. Well, clearly he loves boxing, right? Yes. I mean, he loves it enough to dedicate this much of his time to it. And he wants to be a real boxer.

But it's like, shit, man, Mickey Rourke did this shit in the 80s, right? Oh, yeah? He fucked his face up real bad. Yeah. That's true. I mean. He was a hunk. Oh, dude.

And now look at him. Mickey Rourke was hot. Yeah, yeah. Young Mickey Rourke. Now he looks like Joan Rivers. I mean, he's all fucked up. Jesus Christ. Love Joan.

Big fan of Joan. Mickey Rourke, though, in the 80s. Pope of Greenwich Village Mickey Rourke. Angel. Boogie and Diner. Come on. Dreamboat. He was a dreamboat. Look at that guy. the 80s pope of greenwich village mickey rourke angel boogie and diner come on dream boat he was a dream boat look at that guy what a sexy guy that that might be the last of the i guess cluny is like the last of like the suave dapper that type of dude like rugged too yes because pit is

like almost too bro yeah oh my god that is appalling poor best a human being mark jesus christ sorry but wow but it's just wild that the transformation yeah i mean he's such a terrific actor i guess his comeback with sim city and uh i mean it speaks to his abilities an actor that he's still relevant because yeah he yeah it's like clearly he's not a dude that just like was like it's all about my looks he has it i mean the wrestler is incredible incredible and boy it hits the heartstrings i i just watched uh the this guy give this a goog the guy who's doing the malice of the palace the untold series the caitlin jenner one you got to watch malice in the palace tonight if you can because i want to talk to you about it tomorrow okay It's so good. Do you see it yet? Not yet. Oh, my God.

Whoever this guy is who's making the, or gal who's making these, is so talented at editing and laying this shit out. I might not be watching it tonight, and I'll tell you why. I started the Steve Martin, Martin Short series on Hulu. Oh. I'm really into it. Oh, really? I'll watch that.

I didn't even know about it. It's a murder mystery. What? But it's funny. It's Steve Martin, really? I'll watch that. I didn't even know about it. It's a murder mystery, but it's funny. It's Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez. Wow, interesting. She's not a great actress, but they are. Yeah. She's not horrible.

She's just not, like, they're incredible. I thought Selena was killed. All right, all right. That shows my age there. Martin Short, dude. That guy is like, has there ever been a human being since like Rodney that just oozes funny the way Martin Short? Yeah. Like he can't not be hilarious.

I've seen Clifford 8,000 times. I've seen Three Amigos 8,000 times. Three Amigos rules. It rules. I love it. John Lovitz, dude. I'll tell you what I've been rewatching. Every episode is on YouTube,

and I hope they don't take it down from me saying it. One of the best shows ever, in my opinion, and it only lasted two seasons before it got canceled, The Critic. John Lovitz. Oh, I love The Critic. They're all on YouTube. Dude, it's Mike Reese and Al Jean, who are like season one Simpsons writers, and James L. Brooks. Yes, and Lovitz, and it's all movies, and the jokes are amazing. A lot of topical. A lot of it doesn't age well's all movies and the jokes are amazing a lot of topical a lot of

it don't it doesn't age well but man the jokes were good i showed it to my to my girlfriend she was like this is really good i think it holds up a lot of orson welles jokes like i don't know if younger people are going to get it all the way but it's great i love people who don't like movies i'm like what are you talking about they're're fucking. I know. Who are you? It's art. We grew up on that. Our parents didn't want to watch us. They said, hey, watch the Back to the Future marathon, you loser.

My mom was doing some Laurel and Hardy. I had a cool mom, dude. Marx Brothers, baby. Dude, what are we talking about? I'm sorry. Oh, just these mouths of the palace. They're unreal. And then I watched the Caitlyn Jenner one, which is like.

It's great. I heard it's great. It's great. Because people all just talk about Caitlyn, Caitlyn. And they go, Bruce, Wheaties, Whe're unreal. And then I watched the Caitlyn Jenner one, which is like... It's great. I hear it's great. Because people all just talk about Caitlyn, Caitlyn, and they go, Bruce, Wheaties, Wheaties. They're like, this guy was a nobody and he became the decathlon winner of the Olympics, gold

medal. Just, that's a guy from upstate New York, mentally tortured, obviously, and trained every day, and it's all like grassroots, figured it out for himself, had no trainer, jogged every day, had a girlfriend, she hated it. It's unbelievable. So just to see how he won the Olympics is incredible.

I gotta see both of those. It's great. Everybody, I can't get this, I can't get that, this sucks, that sucks, it's because I'm this, it's because this guy just boots on the ground, made it happen, and it's inspiring. I love Ron Artest. I got to watch that documentary. Oh, yeah. Metal World Peace. I mean, that's a Roosevelt Island.

I believe he's from that part of- Really? Marcy Project, maybe? Marcy Project. Sorry, not Roosevelt. Oh, Brooklyn? They're right next to each other. No, Queens.

Ah. Yeah, he's a bad dude. Nas is from there. He's a little nutty, too. He's not Roosevelt. Oh, Brooklyn? They're right next to each other. No, Queens. Ah. Yeah, he's a bad dude. Nas is from there. He's a little nutty, too. Mop deep. He's nutty, but he's also kind of like a sweet, tortured soul. I mean, I loved his game. He was terrific.

Knicks passed on him, and I still remember they passed on him and Baron Davis to get Frederick Weiss, a French guy who his best credit as a basketball player to americans is vince carter dunking over him literally vince carter's nuts in his mouth oh wow you get you can get the picture of vince carter over frederick vice just so you know what i'm talking about pull it up but uh no on our test should have been drafted by the knicks but then he admittedly was like i was hung over for the fucking for the workout i mean look at that that's one of the meanest dunks in nba history why did they hire this fucking frog isn't this during a usa versus france look at this you're gonna pick a french guy i'm just so confused with the next decision there it was not a good

decision i say that no it might be it was right up here it's right up here look look at a nice little bell here we go look at that and he Nice little bell behind the back pass. Here we go. Look at that. And he steals it. Oh, my God. He literally jumped over the guy. He went over. Are we going to be able to show that, Matt? I love that. Oh, my God. Yeah, that reads.

That is fucking nasty. Vince Carter played until he was like 41, too. He rolled. Wow. That was ugly. Went over the guy's head. Well, you do. But the Malice in the Palace is a must watch as well?

Unbelievable. I got my gal there. She couldn't give two shits about basketball or sports in general. And she's on the edge of her twat. Just like, oh, my God. Sitting on a towel. She's in the panic button. She loves Jermaine O'Neal.

Jermaine O'Neal is a decent guy. You can tell. Sweet guy. He was the glue. And he really got fucked by Artest losing his shit. They were saying he was going to be a next kind of all-star great, kind of in that Kevin Durant world, and then this fucked his whole life up. I don't know if he was.

He was great. Durant's on another level. Oh, boy. No, he was an all-star. He was a terrific player. Yeah. 20 and 10. I mean, he was a killer.

Yeah, they said it was them two artis and o'neill then they got steve jackson steven jackson yeah he could kill it yeah he was good yeah and him and artis were kind of like street guys you know and then that's when the fist fighting ensued yeah jackson uh grew up with george floyd actually they were and they look alike so it's very weird. So he was very vocal. I thought he was from Port Arthur. Am I insane? Oh, boy.

Port Arthur? You got a Google machine there. Stephen Jackson? Yeah, and so is Floyd originally. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that right? He moved to, they're both originally from Texas.

Yeah, they're both Jackson and Floyd. The range on this pod. We can go Ron Artest to Martin Short in two seconds. Yeah, well, we got range, man. Hey, good call there, Sal. Well, I know because I photographed him. I interviewed him once. He's a cool guy. He had sunglasses on the entire

time I interviewed him. This is a picture of his belly. Is that you took that, man? I took that picture. That's incredible. Wow, I have the same tattoo. Wild. Crazy. What are the odds? Damn. Yeah, I love that shit that shit i love because that's what i'm missing in sports is that i want the personality i want to know who the guy is so i just see a guy shooting a basketball i'm like yeah what are you gonna do but then when you get to the the nitty-gritty and

behind the scenes i'm like that's why i like comics that's how i get people into basketball because i'm obsessed with basketball i you know and I want the women I date to be in the basketball. Sure. That's a tall order. It's a tall order. No pun intended. And so is he, I'll tell you. He's all right.

No, but, you know, he's an interesting guy, Jackson, you know. So is Artest. So, I mean, to be this, I mean, that fight was insane. Insane. Unprecedented. And they have it from multiple angles. You see footage they never showed on TV. So you're going to be jizzing the whole movie.

You're going to fucking love it. It's so well done. It's going to look like this. This is good, dude. Really good. Corpse Reviver. What kind of donut is this in the middle? I have to have a piece.

I think they're all the same, right? Yeah, they're all the same. But it's hard for me to not eat this. I think they're the same. This is different. See, the genius of the donuts is they're hollow, basically, on the inside. Did you get a piece there, beer, Jew? You got to have some of this.

Bar Jew, aha. Are we going beer or bar? I like bar Jew. Bar Jew is better. Yeah, it's better. But beer Jew, he's closer to bear Jew. But he's not serving beer. He's a bartender.

Bar Jew, you're right. I think bar Jew is the way to go. Not anywhere close to Jewish, but I'll take it. Yeah, hey. What's not close to Jewish? I wish I was. Huh? He said not close to Jewish.

I guess Palestine. You wish you were a Jew. Oh, yeah. Really? Big fan. Well, I got no flavor. At least you guys, you're oppressed. You got a background.

You got something. You got the... I mean, I'm circumcised I'm doing stand up comedy I live in New York I'm appropriating the whole thing you're right there old bit yeah I got a good rec for you guys

old movie watched it the other night it's starring Robert Mitchum it's from I believe 55 it's called Night of the Hunter it's basically like a horror, 55. It's called Night of the Hunter. Ooh. It's basically like a horror suspense movie, but it's the type of horror I like where it's kind of like psychological and suspenseful.

And basically the premise is this young boy and girl, the one's like, the boy's probably like seven, the girl's maybe like four, five. Their father robs a bank and kills two people, steals $10,000, which I guess went a long way in like a small town back then. Sure. four five their father robs a bank and kills two people uh steals ten thousand dollars which is i guess went a long way in like a small town back then sure and he gets arrested right in front of them and he tells the son where the money's hidden but only the little son knows where it is he shares a sale in prison with robert mitchum's character who is like a corrupt preacher who's like a really

religious but a scumbag. He's trying to rip people off. They share a cell and he goes, tell me where the money is. And he won't tell him. But then he gets sentenced to death. And Robert Mitchum befriends the family and marries the mother. Whoa. So he is torturing them to find out where the money is.

So he just wants the money. Yeah. Wow. It's pretty good. And it turns into like a horror movie. And it's really, really cool. What a premise. There's great scenes.

It's scary. It's dark. And Mitchum is incredible in it. Like that guy could fucking act, dude. Yeah. And there's like some of those great 50s scenes. She finds, she marries Mitchum, you know, who's this horrible person. She's going through his jacket and she pulls out a knife.

And she just goes, oh, men. The bar was so low for us back then. Yes. All you had to do was, if you asked a man anything, they'd be like, back off. You're like, all right. It was so easy to be a man in the 50s. That's great.

If you were white. Let me settle that. I'm not saying it's easy for everybody yeah if you're a good looking white guy but that's that's so funny because uh it that was was that a joke then or is that a joke now or was that just like yeah man you know in 55 man i don't know i think she was sort of looking the other way of bad deeds and that was the joke at the time yeah and now it's like oh look what 50s guys can get away with yeah that's hilarious it's kind of when people say boys will be boys you know they would always do some crazy shit it's a great movie highly recommend it uh i believe it's streaming on amazon oh i'm in but

let me ask you and be honest honest, this is 1955, this is black and white. Yeah. Is it hard? Are there points where you're like, I want to look at my phone here. It's a little slow. It is 55. I think the first, you just have to get into it. Give it 10 minutes. Once you're like 10 minutes in, no, I didn't look at my phone once.

I'm all in on it. Alright, I'm in. It's entertaining. It takes a minute, but I'll put it this way. It's only an hour and a half, the movie. So there's one point at like 50 minutes in, you're like, how is this going to keep going? Because you think they've blown their wad,

and then they find a new way to surprise. It's surprising. What a twist. There's twists. It's really good. Wow, same director as Spartacus, 1960, and Mutiny on the Bounty, 1935. Wow. Yeah.

You think this is a game, dude? Spartacus 1960, and Mutiny on the Bounty 1935. Wow! Yeah. You think this is a game, dude? Also the kid, the little girl's a pretty bad actress, but that's all right. I mean, Mitchum is so good that it doesn't matter. It's no Tatum O'Neil. I haven't seen that. I gotta see that. Paper Boone?

I gotta see that. Oh! It's incredible? It's incredible. I gotta watch. Just the grifts in it alone are like, how did they come up with this? They must have had a grifter guy tell them the moves because they're so well thought out and they work. You're like, that makes sense. That's brilliant. It's great.

I got to watch that. It's basically a buddy cop, but it's just the dynamic between this guy and his kid. It's incredible that it's actual father and daughter. Yes. And I hear he was a terrible guy though wasn't he is that right didn't he bang uh farrah fawcett i think they're married when she died i think he banged a lot of people yeah he was a playboy back in the year who else did he date look up ryan o'neill man you got it oh yeah he was one of those coxman guys you

know he fucked every kind of like warren baity warren baity i saw him on a plane once he looked pretty good yeah he well warren baity had a like he fucked everybody and then he just married like a hot 30 years ago alan mcgraw he fucked everyone but then he and then he like married annette benning who was like 30 years younger then i'm like you can't plan it better than that that's like not even fair yeah that's true uh yeah ryan o'neill man barbara streisand diana ross angelica houston wait a minute is he five one bianca jagger that can't be right where do you see it oh six one sorry i thought that said five i've been drinking ursula andres bat a catwoman a bond oh Boy, we're getting old. Bianca Jagger.

Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. Wow. Jacqueline Bessette is nothing to sneeze at either. Yeah, he's a Hollywood matinee handsome man there. Matinee good looks. All right, I got a rec for you. Hit me.

Wait, where is he from? Oh, shit, sir. Well, give a guess. You're good at this. Sponsored by BetterHelp. What's the end of the way of achieving your goals? Figure it out with BetterHelp. from oh shit sir well give a guess you're good at this sponsored by better help what's standing in the way of achieving your goals figure it out with better help uh better help with therapy for 21st century for the 21st century this is not a crisis line this is not self-help better help

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i believe that and it's true it's easy to schedule affordable don't take a load off your shoulders over a million people have taken charge of their mental health join them mark tell them how to do it you gotta get on it better help is a special offer for our listeners. Visit BetterHelp.com slash drunk for 10% off your first month. Visit BetterHelp.com slash drunk for 10% off your first month. H-E-L-P dot com slash drunk for 10% off your first month. BetterHelp.com slash drunk. 10% off your first month. BetterHelp.com slash drunk.

Sign up for BetterHelp to start living a happier life. Los Angeles, California. Boy, oh boy. Ryan O'Neill, born in Los Angeles, California. It's never as fun when they're from L.A. Why? Because it's like, oh, you were born in Hollywood. You're already there. I like when they get on a bus with a shitty suitcase and truck it all the way over there from Tulsa, Oklahoma.

That's a story. Alright, here's my rec. Now buckle up for this one. I might need help with the title. Hit me. These are really fucking me up here. I gotta focus. I think it's called Mishka and the Wolves.

Netflix documentary just came out much like the Barjoo, but unbelievable. Misha. There it is. I don't want to give anything away because there's so many twists and turns in this thing. It's going to make you shit blood. This is a documentary? This thing is bananas. Yes. This woman was a Holocaust survivor in Belgium, ran away, lived with wolves in the woods as a seven-year-old.

Parents killed, moves to Massachusetts, eventually gets out, the whole thing. They write a book about her, and then it all comes out. That's all I'm saying. Only two stars. Ah, shit. But it's great? It's unbelievable. I'm watching with the lady. We're riveting. We're like, what is this bullshit?

Let's give it a shot. Who's this old bag? Here we go. And then 20 minutes in, you're biting your nails. You stopped eating the popcorn. The phone is away. You can't put it down. Is that your movie snack popcorn? Yeah. How do you take it? I put it in the microwave. What do you mean? you can't put it down what's your is that your movie snack popcorn yeah well how do you how do you take it i put in the microwave what do you mean i don't know there's flavors

okay well there's butter butter salted well is that a crazy good the people do kettle corn is this crazy no no i'll tell you what i don't do is put the m&ms in it all right well i'm sorry i don't know i'm sorry for recommending that one time popcorn in the mic and i move on with my life i'm sorry i recommended the auto erotic asphyxiation of popcorn uh trying to combine two pleasures into one and i've put my dick in the box it doesn't work i've tried that my dick's not long enough it's hot it doesn't feel good your dick just gets buttery yeah salt in my b-hole it nightmare. Yeah, I would have just jerked you off if you asked me. Why do you have to trick me into this shit?

Well, it's fun. That box is pretty long. It's like a seven-inch box. Let's be honest. Throw some gummy worms in there. The trigger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a little cup of ice cream.

It's more realistic. Dig dig deeper that's such a fucking hilarious move that that yeah that caught on for a hot minute being a man used to be you used to really just be able to do whatever you wanted oh yeah no no it's you know what a movie that's from let's see a little trivia there not porkies no where's it from that's a different thing i know it what is it i think it's diner is it i don't think so i think it's mickey rourke if we're going all the way full circle the boogie pulled that shit i think so give it a popcorn i think it's the rourke meister yeah there it is thank you thank you taking the popcorn is it diner it is. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Digging the popcorn. Is it diner?

It is. Thank you. Is it Mickey Rourke? It is. Thank you. I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Who did he pull it on?

Ellen Barkin? Oh, I hope so. I can't tell who that actress is. No, it's not Ellen Barkin. Look at that smile on his face. She's going for it. His name was Boogie. What did you expect?

You thought you were going to go on a date with Boogie and not get the dick in the popcorn box trick? That's on you. Okay. Also a racial slur. Boogie? Yeah. Really? Yeah, it's one of the outskirt racial slurs.

Is that because it's like Jungle Boogie? Is that why? Yeah, exactly. Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by my bookie football's back baby oh my giants man i can't wait you're a saints guy hell yeah who dat you like easy money thanks to my bookie and their lock of the season if either the team scores in

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Hell yeah. I just made a couple clams on that Jake Paul fight. Thank you, MyBookie. Oh, yeah. You bet on him? Oh, yeah. And nobody believed in me. Head to MyBookie.ag today and use our promo code drunk and instantly double

your first deposit that's double your funds to double your winnings again that's promo code drunk to receive double your first deposit and get started with my bookie today bet anything anytime anywhere with my bookie the tattoo is really, it makes you wonder. Jake Paul comes out with a giant robot, tattoos. He's got his belt, says his name on it, like in digital writing. You know, it's like scrolling. Where is it going to go? It can only go up, but.

Would you ever get a tattoo? Nah, I can't commit. It's too much. It's too much. And too much and i'm not cool enough i don't know what am i gonna get you know what it is it's like a tattoo's almost being like i'm fucking cool yeah or tough i don't know it looks good like girls who have a lot of them i like it really i like a lot if you have one i'm like yeah you fucked up if they have like a ton like they commit i'm into it but what what am i gonna do

what are we gonna do what are you gonna do star david flirtalee come on it's just yeah i don't i also don't have faith like there are people who probably got cosby tattoos like this is my guy and you're like all right certain shit changes the meaning changes i don't know yeah i regret the epstein one but other than that i got a Jelaine one on my bag. It's pretty cool. I'll tell you. Fine as Epstein hanging himself. You're hung like Epstein.

That's what you tell the women. Yeah, I like that. That looks hot to me. But if you had one... I'm just not that into... I'm old school. I'm not really into piercings, really. Especially surprise ones. Yeah, I don't like that school i'm not really into like piercings really like especially surprise ones yeah i don't like that really i don't mind because you're just like you

know like i remember years ago i hooked up with this girl she had a pierced uh you know you know what down there panic button well and i'm like kind of like no can you give me a heads up i don't know if your fucking vagina's messed up or something. Can you tell me what's going on here? Right. What goes on there with the airport? Is that a beep beep moment? I don't know. Maybe it's not enough metal to set off the... It's a weird moment, I think, though.

It's a very strange... That's tough. I've never had the clit. I've had a lot of nip, which I think is overrated. I'm not a big fan. I don't like it. Cuomo. Phil Hamlin is a joke.

Those are how I got used to the metal straws. Oh, that's great. That's a great angle. Hey, man. Sold his book. I know. He deserves it, man. Phil Hanley.

Check him out. You know, we... Yeah, I'm not a big fan of the pierced nipples, man. I don't either. I like a nip. I want to suck it. I want to nibble. I want to lick. To me, the thing is in the in the way what are you gonna do if you have a baby

he's gonna be like a fucking punk rocker now he's just sucking on it yeah he's gonna get lead poisoning but yeah yeah i don't know i like the tats but i don't again there's gonna be a million old folks home ladies covered in tats isn't that weird? Yeah. Crazy. Damn. And I hear those old folks on people all fuck each other, by the way. Yeah? That's what I hear. I'll tell you.

Getting older might not be so bad. Yeah. I read the Shaky Acres newsletter and it's pretty sultry. They all get COVID. They're just eating each other's ass. I'm like, Jesus. This is crazy.

Now that's a question. Do you think back in the 40s where they eating ass and just not talking about it? Or? Yeah. I think crazy. Now that's a question. Do you think back in the 40s were they eating ass and just not talking about it? Or? Yeah. I think so. Sure.

Because it's all there. You think we've had these bodies for thousands of years where we're like, eating ass. Discovered in 1989. No, it's been around. All right.

I wonder if there's any rules about someone our age moving into an old folks home. Could we do that? There's a great book. Why couldn't we? There's a great book called Early Bird. That's ageist.

Oh. Yeah, I think you're taking advantage of the system here, Sally. Also, there's a great book called Early Bird by Rodney Rothman who wrote for Letterman. He also wrote Into the Spider-Verse. He's really a great writer. Interesting. for letterman he also wrote into the spider verse he's a he's a really a great writer but he retired early after being head writer at letterman i think and just lived in a uh an old folks community and it's really good it's a really funny book and real story yeah real story memoir and he like

it's it's pretty crazy the story uh i i dug it i really liked it um wow there's a documentary about this old folks kind of like compound in in florida and it's amazing i can't remember the name of the duck if you can oh i saw it it's killer yeah i think you might erect it i did yeah it was so well done but yeah old folks are living life because they're like we're gonna die soon so we might as well yuck it up you know yuck it up, you know? Yuck it up, man. Yeah, fuck each other, get drunk, you know, dance, swim. You ever think, like, when a plane's going down, there's probably not enough time, but you think, like, if a plane's going down,

people just start, like, yeah, let's just try to get off one more time. Do you think, like, if it's, like, about to crash, people just, like, whip it out? Some kind of heaven, that's it. Some kind of heaven. Remember in Naked Gun when they're at the baseball game and it's like, we're going to bomb this place.

It's like, if I'm going out, I'm going out happy. Oh, it was the Oscars. Naked Gun when they're at the baseball game and it's like, we're going to bomb this place. It's like, if I'm going out, I'm going out happy. Oh, it was the Oscars. Naked Gun, the second one. And Brian Dennehy or whatever that guy's name is. What's that guy's name? Leslie Nielsen? No, the chief. Kennedy.

Brian Kennedy. No, Roy Kennedy. No, shit. He's from Cool Hand Luke. He won an Oscar for Cool Hand Luke. Yes. George Kennedy. Thank you.

George Kennedy. Boom. We figured it out between the three of us. Great actor. He grabs a woman. He goes, I'm going out. I'm going out to happen. He just makes out with some model.

It was like the funniest, most ridiculous nothing scene, but it made me laugh as a kid. Dude, I fucking love the naked guns. Oh, yeah. Dude. Yeah. George Kennedy fucking rocked. Oh, man. The scene where he beats the shit out of Paul Newman is incredible.

Take it off here, boss. And he won't bag down, man. Good boy, Luke. By the way, the woman washing her car in that movie, still hot to this day. You know how a lot of people are like, she was the hottest woman in 1928. You look at her like, this looks like my aunt. But this lady, still hot. You should see your aunt.

She looks good, brother. I'll tell you. Look at this lady. I mean, talk about a buxom. Hotcha, matcha, hiya, hooya. Look at that. Boy, oh boy. We got to change the channel.

Cool Hand Luke is fucking awesome. It's in my top 10. Is it? Yeah, for sure. Paul Newman just fucking rules. Like, Hud, The Hustler, Cool Hand, like, The Verdict. Kardashian body in the 60s, by the way. Yeah, The Verdict, I mean.

The Verdict, I gotta rewatch. I feel like that's, like, one of the best. Mammoth, that's like a prime Mammoth script. Yeah. Yeah, this always comes back to me. Give me a bit. All right, there might not be much here. Let me try this.

Please. I feel like I bombed last week. Well, I feel like mine are either working or they're nothing, that's where I'm at. So let me try one that's nothing. Here's an idea I had. It's kind of like, sometimes I'll date a woman and we'll be fighting and then she starts crying

and I'm like, and she's like, what? You didn't care, and I'm comforting her because she's crying. She's like, you didn't care until I started crying. And I'm like, yeah, I thought we were going to fight fair. Oh. I didn't know we were playing dirty here. Yeah.

I think one of the angles is how women crying during a fight is almost more impressive than the Force in Star Wars. Because he can lift Luke and stuff, but at no point is Luke like, i'm so sorry darth i'm so sorry right yeah the only difference is they both have the force that's true you know my my brain what this is a great premise my brain went to you guys are fist fighting and she pulls out a knife right like what the fuck you brought tears to a word fight yes that's a great line is it but like you go to the bank and and imagine pulling the gun out,

and they're like, oh. And you're like, oh, you didn't give a shit until I had a gun? You know? I'm like, yes, the gun changes things. I don't have a gun. You have a gun. I can't cry. You can cry.

The bank angle is good. Yeah. I like the bank angle. All right, I'll try it. You got a big bit here. I'll tell you. It's all right, the bit. It's all right.

What do you got? Remember my old bit about the, you ever see a roach that flies? Dude, you ran this by me like 11 years ago. It killed once and I was like, I got a new bit and it they don't fly in New York. You guys don't have flying roaches here. That's a New Orleans thing. Oh, thank God. But you know when you're up against it

with a shoe in your hand, you're going at the roach on the wall and then it starts flying. My analogy was it's like when you're fighting with a woman and she starts crying. You're like, I'm out. You won. I love that. I love that. Yeah, no, the crying is unfair.

It's unfair. It's a back pocket knife. We didn't, or a gun. Like, we didn't agree on this. What do we have? Hitting. But we can't use that. But we can't use that.

Remember years ago, Ted Alexander had a hilarious bit. And he goes, I would would never ever hit a woman but i have been fighting with a woman and i was like this is when a man hits a woman that's so great so funny man such a simple twist too it's yeah but like i mean just practicing knowing he's a good guy who would never do that you're like okay go for it like you've made this bit workable you know but uh chris rock i'd shake the shit out of one i mean how funny is that just picturing that's like a cartoon but like yeah i will never i mean i mean the thing is we have nothing they have crying

they and the thing is like most women i know i'm gonna get shit for like generalizing you know most women probably feel more deeply than we do. They're probably more sensitive. That's true. In some ways that's a curse, I'm sure. That's, but then also. That's why we allow it. Cause you're like, oh, you're a lady with emotional stuff.

You're more thoughtful. Yeah. Oh yes, that is. Although I just get my friend's socks. I'm pretty thoughtful. You are. But here's the clinker. If you could learn,

you know they have those, oh, this could be something. You know they have those self-defense classes for women where the guy pulls a knife out and they learn how to whatever. You have to now learn how to block the crying. That should be a class for men. Like somehow when crying, when a woman starts crying, you learn some moves to get out of it. Like Tai Chi

but Cry Chi. Cry Chi! Woo! Yes! Cry cry chi i love it she's like i'm like oh your mother oh yeah transferring the energy back exactly yes flip it on them yes what do you got this we got something here this is joke writingoke Writing 102. It's always 101. I'm moving it up to 102. These donuts are just staring at us. I know.

I feel like I'm on Weight Watchers here. And I've been on the road. I eat like shit every day because I'm on the road. Well, we only come back to New York and drink out daily. It's the sound of our livers right now. What do you got? Just Yahtzee. That's what I tell our livers right now What do you got? Just Yahtzee, that's what I tell myself Alright I'm trying to work on this whole

Get that thing away from me you sick son of a bitch God I can't stop him Just a little bit, nah it's too much You don't have to drink it Give it to Matt Look Matt's fucking Matt doesn't drink

he's turned i know he's a dad he's gonna drive the school bus you should have to pour that by going like this those kids are getting taken away all right day drink divorce this is a new kramer versus kramer look at him just drinking on a podcast during the day.

Yeah, this is horrible evidence for the court hearing. They got video footage of you in a Hawaiian shirt at four drinking a cocktail with a professional bartender on video. The verdict. I swear to God, I'm equipped to have kids. What do you got? I have too much fun here. All right.

Well, I feel like we really took that bit to the moon, so this one's fucked. But all right. I'm doing this whole bit about how much better looking, talking about generalizing, how much better women are looking than men. Oh, my God. I say women look better the more skin they're showing. Bikini lingerie men look better the more covered up uniform tuxedo business suit

then i got this whole thing about how a female strip club should be a man coming out naked and putting clothing on at the end he's a fireman and you're like that's a fireman. And you're like, that's hot. Fireman is the hottest guy because they're literally covered in four inches of flame retardant Kevlar. Like, that's how far away from your body they are. How hot is that? And they're covered in that because they're saving lives. Like, it's connected to being a hero, too. Right, right. It's weird that a suit is heroic for men because a lot of them are just fucking monsters.

That's true. Yeah, yeah. They're stealing some old lady's money. But they're like, ooh, that guy's hot. suit is heroic for men because a lot of them are just fucking monsters that's true yeah yeah they're stealing some old lady's money but they're like oh that guy's hot this is like a seinfeldian bit here kind of you know yeah well i've been trying to write cleaner because i got a ton of sex stuff and racial and gay and trans so i'm trying to get some clean stuff in because you gotta you gotta mix it up you gotta yeah i like it I like a good, clean joke. So then I added your part in. This is why comedy is so fascinating. This is a two year old bit. This new thing I'm putting in that I just sat on the shelf and now it's connecting to this and it's killing. So I say women don't even like men's bodies, even a hairy chest.

They like they rip the shirt off. They're like, thank God, more coverage. But the dildo is just the dick. Men go blow up doll, sex. We want the whole thing. The dildo is just that literally just the six inches of plastic. And then four. Four inches of plastic. But that could be a fun little punch line in there.

Six, four. Yeah. So even the pleasuring, we use a blow up doll doll or a sex robot they just use the dildo so it's literally just as little of the man they can get just the dick interesting yeah men have sex robots women are like i just want i want the robot no i want it to move but i want it to be like it's not even it's barely moving right right we still want you to moan and all that shit. Yeah, we want that. Women, it's moving, but it's just fucking vibrating.

It's just vibrating. Yeah, exactly. Women have taken a feature from the phone. That's how little it's moving. Right, right. You're doing the same thing. Men are like, we want every part. Women are like, give me the same features when I get a missed call yeah yeah yeah they want that call that's true yeah yeah so it's it's hitting now

and the strip club part is really doing well which i had a thought about the strip club which i need more on that uh when you go to a a male strip, they all come out as like cops, doctors, firemen, women love jobs. Yeah. I thought about that, but that someone has that.

Oh, I did a Seinfeld bit today. I did. Well, you're on the right track. That means you're fucking, I mean, we were literally obsessed. So we know what's been done,

but like, that means your mind is in the right place. So Matt, great minds, but that's a great, great angle. But if that hadn't been done, I would definitely throw

that in yeah yeah somebody has the jobs thing it's so true women don't come out they come on a bikini and or a bra it's not like accountant right if anything a job is going against what we want we're like when are we gonna see you when are we gonna see that ass yeah you're a flight attendant i wanted to fuck you're on bali or whatever wanted to fuck. You're out in Bali or whatever. But yeah, alright. That's why men like French May, because you're like, she'll come to clean and she'll fucking fuck her. And she doesn't speak the language.

As little connection as possible. Exactly. That's funny. There's something there. Alright. So I think we got some two hot bits. And that bit could be clean too the crying thing that's clean that's clean i thought we were fighting fair i think that'll hit yeah all right uh it's like when you go up to fight a guy and then he sits he stands up when he gets like four

inches taller like well i didn't know you had this it's brass knuckle she's using brass knuckles so you guys are drunk i'm gonna produce here do you have any spots you have to do yeah three no not spots i mean ads oh jesus christ thank you brother who called it a good job salaki spots all right we might be drunk is brought to you by lucy nicotine gum oh man smoking uh it's hard to quit i used to smoke a pack a day when i was in seventh grade and i'll tell you lucy founded by caltech scientists former smokers who wanted to help people quit. They said I was to create a better, cleaner nicotine alternative. Three years of research and experimenting.

And we made Lucy a nicotine gum that actually tastes good. You can get in wintergreen cinnamon, pomegranate. Wow. I mean, shit, pomegranate. That's pretty fucking good. Right. Oh, yeah. High end. Each has four milligrams of nicotine. Don't like gum. Check out their cherry ice lawsuit. it wow i mean shit pomegranates that's pretty fucking good right oh yeah high end each has four milligrams of nicotine don't like gum check out their cherry ice lozenge yes fight a cold while fighting this bullshit when you're craving a smoke you just need a little something to satisfy

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Any parting words there there Sister Hazel Salacuse and I have been working on this project for a super long time you're in it brother it's a documentary we made we got Colin Quinn in it, Dave Attell Ray Romano Sam Jay Chris Redd from SNL

Taylor Tomlinson Ronnie Chang Sal Volcano from the jokers uh bobby kelly there's so many of your favorite comics are in this uh joe list yeah phil hanley joe mackie the trailer is out right now dina hasham twitter it's on my it's on my youtube on my socials you can see the the uh the the trailer for this it should come out early september i don't see it taking longer than that we got we got a fucking we got a piece right here i'm proud of this it's called full capacity it'll be on my youtube channel look out for that shit and in the meantime i'll be in atlanta punchline i'll be at uh millersville penn Pennsylvania, Philly Helium. We got St. Louis Helium coming up, Springfield, Indianapolis,

everything on samorell.com slash shows. Look out for other dates. Denver. Also, stay tuned for the Patreon where we're going to talk mad shit about our documentary. Oh, really? Yeah. Easy, Sally.

Okay, we got Denver, Phoenix, fucking Chicago, everything, every city we're hitting. So samoreal.com slash shows. Mark, tell them what's up, dude. Hey, we're cooking. We're on a roll here. The pod's cooking. We're on the road.

Docs are coming out. I got a Netflix coming out November 1st, half hour. We'll see how that goes. Albany, funny bone, this weekend. West Palm Beach, improv in Florida. Comedy Connection in Providence. Madison, Wisconsin. Comedy on State. Nashville. Zanies. Rochester. New York.

Richmond Funny Bone got cancelled. They're still not open yet because of COVID. Portland Helium. One of my faves. Laugh Boston. Brea in California. Vancouver in BC. New Orleans. Royal Oak. I'm right on your heels there.

Atlanta Buckhead Theater. So come on by. Say hello. Check out the pod. Check out the Patreon, I mean. Patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. Email us at we might be drunk pod at gmail.com. Gotham Studios killing it.

The Barjoo killing it here. We got Salacuse. We got fucking Matt Peters running Gotham Studios killing it. The Barjoo killing it here. We got Salacuse. We got fucking Matt Peters running Gotham Studios killing it. This podcast is taking flight. You guys, tell your friends if you're loving this. Don't forget the big one. The fat cat rye is on the way. We're pushing it.

Don't worry. I know. I got my lawyer looking at the contract right now. I'm sure it's fine. The law Jew, we call him. Well, that's kind of redundant. But yeah. But yeah, yeah. So check that out when that comes out. People keep saying we need a T-shirt. We need a poster. No, no, we're saving all of it for the rye. So good looking out. We love you. Alt-Rye. And have a good night. Thanks, guys. Praise Allah. Thank you.