We Might Be Drunk - Ep 41: Guatemala

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

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Well, you want to break the news, Cronkite, or should I? Well, we, you know, we recorded this a few days earlier, so we've just discovered part of my, I'm a little speechless. We just discovered that one of the best comedians of all time, Norm Macdonald, has died. Yes, one of the funniest guys on the planet one of my heroes huge influence on me i've seen everything i watch his youtube probably every other day i just put it on when i first met you and i saw you i was like oh he's doing like a jerry norm thing yeah seinfeld and norm where i think a tale in dangerfield with my yes every comic you'd see Joe Mackie was like

Hedberg and Eugene Merman. Wow. You could always see who people were kinda influenced by in their first couple years. And for you, it was Norm Macdonald. Yeah, I just, I'm floored. I cannot believe this is real. I'm crushed, I'm hurt.

My body's doing that thing where i it keeps avoiding it my brain keeps avoiding it but then i have to remind myself that it's real it's crazy to discover this literally maybe three minutes before we just record it yeah a live stream app by the way and uh oh my god he's just one of those guys you just never thought this i had no idea i had had cancer. He was very young. 61. 61. Very young.

He had another special in him. He's great on podcasts. I just wish he made more. And I mean, look, he's got a lot of stuff out there. So I'm getting greedy. But I think he's one of the funniest people. I mean, no one sounds like him. Amazing jokes.

Great takes. Brilliant comic. Very sophisticated. I mean, i still remember when he made it to the i think he made it to the finals on who wants to be a millionaire he made he made it to the million dollar question and he bailed because it was for charity but he turned out he knew the right answer so this is a guy who by all accounts was like self-educated yeah and made it that far i mean really one of the best comedy minds of all time. I remember Colin Quinn told me a story once that one of my favorite musicians ever, Leonard Cohen, being a Canadian, would go see Norm Macdonald play.

Wow. And Norm was like, who's this guy? Who's this old guy? He didn't care that Leonard Cohen was a Norm Macdonald fan. Wow, unbelievable, yeah. His gambling stories on Howard Stern are incredible. He didn't care that Leonard Cohen was a Norm Macdonald fan. Wow. Unbelievable. Yeah. His gambling stories on Howard Stern are incredible. I read his book.

I've seen everything he's done. Dirty Work is a great comedy. I love Dirty Work. I met him once at the cellar, and I got a photo with him, and now I'm so glad I did. He did Last Comic Standing. He was the only honest judge. He would tell comics they were hacks.

It was awesome. The comics hated him. Joe List did it. And he goes, Joe, you're a very good writer. And Anthony Gisela goes, hey, Joe, Norm just called you ugly, which is such a great line. Damn. Oh, my God. I met him twice.

And the first time I met him was I was doing this comedy style competition at Caroline's. And it was the final four. It was me, Dan Soder, who eventually beat me in the final two. It was me, Soder, Nick Cobb, and Adam Newman. And Norm Macdonald was just chilling in the crowd watching. And he couldn't have been nicer. He was so freaking nice to all of us.

Complimenting our acts, being like, I can never do this type of thing. So cool. And then the other time I met him was on Last Comic Standing when he was a judge, and I got eliminated in the first round. I had a pretty good set, better than a lot of people who moved on, but it's NBC. Let's chase it. That's how it goes.

But I remember I had one joke that Norm singled out and goes, that joke is gold. And that to me was like, it was to me, I didn't even feel that bad. I got locked off. Cause I was like, Norm Macdonald, who was the judge that I connected to his work the most, it was Roseanne and Keenan.

I connect to Roseanne's politics, of course, but no, but it was Roseanne and Keenan Iv to roseanne's politics of course but uh no but it was roseanne and keen and ivory wayans and like obviously i love in living color but norm i'm a comic norm was the guy i connected with and the joke he loved was i said you know my last girlfriend was a hoarder and she broke up with me which which stings extra hard i'm like the one thing she can get rid of and he said he loved that joke. And then I got, Keenan kind of digged me in the last comic thing.

He said, no, I like some of your jokes, but not all of them. And I said, well, I loved all your scary movie films. And it got a huge laugh. And he's, I only did the first two. And I was like, all right. I remember I saw Norm in like the food.

He couldn't let it pass. He couldn't take the L on that one. I was about to, I knew I was Norm in the food. He couldn't let it pass. He couldn't let it pass. He couldn't take the L on that one. I was about to, I knew I was out after that. Right. And then I'm walking through the thing. It was like a break. I guess they were taking a break, the paid audience. And I see Norm and he goes,

I really liked that you dug it. Oh! So that was a special moment. Ah, he's the real deal. He really is. Um. Ah. Yeah, I think he could tell.

And I said, I met you once at Caroline's, and I told him I really like that. Yeah, yeah. Quinn said him and David Spade are the funniest hang of all time. Them together. Yeah. I did Last Comic with Keenan, was one of my judges as well, and he zinged me, and I said, appreciate it, Damon.

And I got a big laugh. Whoa. Yeah, but I got kicked out after that. We both went down swinging, as they say. Yeah, Damon. And I got a big laugh. Yeah. But I got kicked out. We both went down swinging, as they say. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, Norm really was brilliant. I mean, not just his standup, but I mean, an edgy, underappreciated weekend update anchor.

Oh, the best. Easily the best weekend guy. And he followed, I believe he followed Kevin Nealon, who I thought was great as well. Nealon was great. Yeah, different type of anchor. Yeah, Dennis Miller was always lauded as the best one, and I feel like Norm kind of took it over. Well, Norm was our guy.

It's almost like people were like, I'm a Letterman guy, and then we're like, well, we're Conan guys. Right. That's kind of what Norm was. But he would come in, and he would bomb a lot. He would have jokes that the audience would be like, oh, he had this one great joke. He's like, something, something, women are bad drivers.

And they went, oh. And he went, well, I want you to know a woman wrote that joke. And they went, oh. And he went, I'm kidding. We don't hire women. You're like, yeah, that's a comic. Come on. He just kept teasing them.

That's a fucking combo. He went this way, that way, then that way. I mean, he's the best. Before we go on, I should say. I mean, he's the best. Before we go on, I should say that we're not drinking alcohol this week. We've been doing so many day episodes. I'm going to go ahead and say I don't like getting day drunk. I'm a night drinker.

Sure. We work at night. It's hard being groggy for these sets all the time. Yep, yep. We say we might be drunk. We're not saying we are drunk. The title is We Might Be. Yes.

And this week, we're doing coffee, but it feels saying we are drunk. The title is we might be. Yes. And this week, we're doing coffee, but it feels weird not drinking now. I know. I mean, I might pull that Angel's Envy off this shelf and have a toast, because it's the Mac. We should do,

we got to do a shot for him. We got to. I think we drink coffee, but we do a shot. It's Irish, baby. He's Irish. McDonald, Canadian, grew up on a farm.

Dad was a, whatever, his mom was a farm. Dad was a whatever. His mom was a teacher. He comes from humble beginnings. Red Dostoevsky, I mean, he had a son. He lived in an apartment in L.A. He ate cereal for dinner. Can't drive.

I relate to that right there. Yeah. Yeah. It's a huge blow, huge loss. And we literally just found out before recording this. Well, should we play, I mean, let's play a couple great Norm clips just to honor him and his greatness. Yes, here, here.

All right, this is, by request, Norm on Letterman his last time doing his World War II joke. Yeah, I love this. I love Letterman's joke. doing his World War II joke. I watch the TV, I watch the news, make you afraid of the news, you know? Put all these stories on.

Iraq, Iran, North Korea, you know, trying to scare you, you know? But does it ever really scare you? Like, you ever wake up in the middle of the night, ah, North Korea! That little tiny country across the ocean. I wonder if they'll get me. Plus, didn't MASH settle that like 20 years ago?

One day after one, that's a stupid show. There is one country that worries me, though. Not Iraq, not Iran, not North Korea. The only country that really worries me is the country of Germany. I don't know if you guys are history buffs or not, but... In the early part of the previous century, Germany decided to go to war. And who did they go to war with? The world. It had never been tried before.

And so you figure that would take about five seconds for the world to win, but no, it was actually close then about 30 years pass and Germany decides again to go to war and again it chooses as its enemy, the world. And this time they have that guy, scrankily, crankily, that guy. I'm not even going to dignify him by saying his name, but I think you know what I'm talking about. But you'd think at that point the world would go, listen, Germany, here's the deal.

You're not going to be a country no more on account of you keep attacking the world. Third time. What are you, you're on Mars or something? Oh, I'm a big fan. There it is. I got misty. I'm getting misty.

It's a great bit. I mean, it's so simple. Those are the best bits, the ones where you're like, how has no one done that? I know. The world. Oh, God, I'm a fucking queef. I love when you do a joke that's like the setup,

it all hits the crowd at the same time. Yes. I don't know if you guys are history buffs. It all just hits them. I mean, that's a great. Amazing. That's a beautiful way to bring an exact feeling to everyone in the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Yes. Hear, hear. Well said. That's a great point. Yeah. He was the king. He was the best. I mean, if you could play the chairman of the board thing,

it's probably his crown jewel in his panel because he had so many great panel moments, the moth joke uh all that shit but the one with the snl because a lot of comics like i don't give a fuck i say what i want this is the ultimate not giving a fuck he goes on he gets fired from snl he gets rehired to host years later he's? Okay. He's always hated them because they fired him. So he comes back and tanks the whole show in the monologue. And then just does the show. The balls! His return monologue, you mean?

Yeah, yeah. Comes back. Alright, let me... Yeah, start doing the coffee. Sorry, we'll move on from Norm, but I'm freaking out here. So yeah, I think you were touched by this a little more than most people, Mark. Yes. Uh-oh, he said put it on 10.

Oh God. We might need Peters. Oh, we can figure this out. What is this? Yeah, good grind. Not his first time on Grindr. Oh, I was just about to go there. Not his first time on Grindr.

That doesn't look good. Looks like shake. Bad weed. Oh, my phone's blowing up. Everybody, every comic you've ever heard of. I get a million insults on YouTube comments, and always get i thought this was norm mcdonald and then when i realized it wasn't i turned it off and i'm like i get it i did a bit once that they were like that's enormous i didn't know so i had to pull it i was i was wow yeah i mean that hit and i was like it was a bit i was like that's a good bit and then

someone was like that's a norm bit i'm a fan i was like fuck i pulled it yeah like, that's a good bit. And then someone was like, that's a Norm bit. And my fan was like, fuck, I pulled it. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's very flattering that you're thinking like Norm. Woo, he got in trouble. Remember, he defended somebody and he got in trouble. That was so petty. What was it? It was very petty. And he got in trouble for saying Down syndrome or something.

Yeah. But either way, it just like, doesn't this put it all in perspective? This guy is dead now. It's like. He defended Matt Damon, as I recall. I think it was Matt Damon. You can't do that. You can't do that.

That's where we're at. All right. Uh-oh, Matt's coming in. Matt Peters, everybody, the producer. You get to see the man behind the machine. More trouble than it's worth at this point. Oh, God. Just pour it in the filter, see what happens.

Yeah? No, I'm joking. But these are from Guatemala. JJ Roaster sent these in, so thanks, JJ. It's good coffee, I had some at home. We don't know what to do. Yeah, I don't know what's going on here. Come on, oh, what do you got? Your nuts with you, what's in the bowl?

That might be too full. Ah. That might be it. Yep. There we go. There we go. Hey, boy, you guys seeing all this 9-11 stuff i'm so sick of 9-11 you're sick i i i mean i feel like ben lodden here i'm like all right enough we got it i don't think he was

sick of hearing about it i think he was like i think that was his crown jewel. Ah, good point. Atta baby. Boy, we are worthless. Comedians are worthless. Comedians not making coffee. Aha. Salacuse is on today. Is that working? Whoa.

It says brew now. The light is on, so I think you're good. Did you set that clock? Of course. You are a fucking beast. So the clock is right on the coffee thing? There's not one clock in America on a coffee machine that is correct.

That's plugged in over there. Wow. Mine says 9-11 on it. That Afghani roast. Yeah. Yeah, it's working. There we go. Sounds like Anthony Hopkins

in Silence of the Lambs right now. You hear that? Yeah, man, Norm was one of the Lambs right now You hear that? Yeah man Norm was one of the best ever Should we do some more? That's kind of loud isn't it? I don't think the mic's picking up Why is that so loud?

I want to hear the chairman of the board Yeah let's do the chairman of the board bit Norm So one of you guys want to set this up? Well he's on with an actress Courtney Thorne-Smith Who I think was from Melrose Place, right? And she is in this movie with Carrot Top,

who I guess was making a lot of movies at the time, called Chairman of the Board. And Norm was the first guest, and he hangs around. So here you go. You are making a movie with Carrot Top, right? I made a movie with Carrot Top. Okay. Oh my God. There's this movie coming out. Yes. Title undetermined at this point. Chairman of the board. Oh, all right.

Do something with that, you freak. I bet the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D. Falls out of the chair. I mean, come on. That is unbelievable. I wish they let the laughs go a little longer that they shorten it but yeah um incredible you know as a comic we've all been in that moment where they're like what do you got now i mean you get you you handle hecklers all the time you're swatting flies all day long when you think of that line when conan challenges you and you deliver it's pretty damn cool and also i mean this is very much i get mark relates to this is saying

the inappropriate thing at all times this is i mean so much of like what i related to as a comic growing up was danger field right in the hoity-toity scene being inappropriate right i mean right you're the disruptors the comic so i mean i i love this shit oh it's the best and then to have that line and he nailed it i mean to put that much pressure on you on TV and nail it, I mean, it just proves that he's on another level. B-O-R-E-D. Come on. To pull that out of your ass, that is something.

And then the delivery. He's so excited. He's like a 10-year-old. I bet it's called B-O-R-E-D. It's like, oh, it's so funny. God, I miss him already. Ah. Damn. Brutal. Thank God, I miss him already. Ah. Damn.

Brutal. Thank God we have all the footage at least, but Jesus, we'll never get anything new. I mean, he was a true comic legend. I mean, so many comics revered him. He was a comics comic. Yeah. It's rare for those guys to break through

and have the mainstream success that Norm had. Yeah. He really did, you know? Yeah. I mean, he had a lot of Norm had, but he really did, you know? Yeah. I mean, he had a lot of failed pilots, but he kept getting the pilots because I think he was one of those guys that I think even the suits were like,

nah, he's good. Yeah, yeah. He had that kind of pure, tall, good-looking guy, great observational, could work clean, kind of had all the tools of what a mega star standup should have, but he was just so dry and such a disruptor that that would get in the way sometimes.

But you know. Totally. His sports show, I'm not even a sports guy, and the jokes were so good. Like he was killer on that. Great show. Yeah, just nobody cared about sports on Comedy Central, I guess.

I remember he did a bit that defended Tiger woods uh that i thought was hilarious on the show and the bit was basically like how many well he's like yeah he cheated but think about how many women hit on him like he goes he goes how many women hit on you in this many years he goes one and 10 years he goes tiger had like this many hundred he only slept with this this many. Right. And he did the math. He goes, he's more faithful than you are. That's a great angle for a bit. Great angle. Great angle.

And then people nowadays hear that and they go, well, that's a little low. And you're like, it's about the angle, you cum guzzler. It's about the joke, the tools, the spin. It's a magic trick. And he pulled it off. It's not about the uh the politics and all that that's what i love he was a contrarian a lot of a lot of great comics are

like well you think i think it was more like the media was tearing tiger to shreds and even though we can agree what he did was wrong uh i think he he felt for him and that was his way of being like i feel for this guy that is being railroaded like when you see the tiger doc you kind of you do feel for him sure of course of course what was the thing he did was wrong slept with a lot of women slept with like 20 women behind his wife's back i mean yeah i mean that's no him just fucking those women is if you're not married i think that's but you know she made out okay financially i'm sure she's got other issues. There's nuance to the picture and he added nuance.

That's what I think, that's what I took from the bit. Good point. Well we do a thing now where we just deem somebody like, he's bad, so like Tiger Woods was bad, and then to find a way to make him okay is really brilliant. That's hard comedy. Well yeah, he was finding an unorthodox angle yes which i loved about it same same like tosh has this joke about how slavery is kind of cool

and you're like whoa how is he gonna get out of this one and he does it and it kills and you're like he probably doesn't it's not like he's pro-slavery i'm guessing he worked that one out in beverly hills i don't think he worked that one out in atlanta i don't know i think i saw him in compton but yeah but you see my point the the skill is to get out of that to set it up and get bill burr has a lot of those you set it up and you get out if they're clapping in the setup it's not exactly a thrill it's not as exciting yes yes exactly so, yes, exactly. So Jesus, he'll be missed. I still can't believe it's real. I got a bad news, after I drink this,

I'm gonna shit all over you. Okay. Because I can not shit after a cup of coffee. That's all right. I mean, that's what it does, right? Yeah. I love a good morning. I like the consistency of my morning.

I wake up, I make my coffee, and I take a shit. There's something comforting about that routine. I do the same exact thing, except I have oatmeal. Now, do you read on the shitter? I, admittedly, I do a lot of phone scrolling. I'll read the news, but like, yeah, back, the days of me reading a hardcover on the book, it's like, you know.

So our apartments are kind of small. Do you shit with your fiance and your girlfriend in the house? Yeah. Of course. Door open. Live feed. Yeah.

Actually, door open and I have a fan blowing in her direction. No, we, yeah, of course. You learn some of the romance? The romance? Yeah. I mean, he's doing on her chest.

She's from Germany. The romance? Yeah. I mean, he's doing on her chest. She's from Germany. The world. No. You know, what do you mean? I mean, you got to poop in your apartment. What do you think? I'm going to go to the fucking corner store? Or like wait till she goes out to do something.

I guess. That's a bold move. Hey, can you take a walk? I've got to take a dump. Like that's a bit aggressive too, isn't it? Yeah, one word, candles. You light a candle. It's almost like a little remembrance.

You flush it. It's like a little memoriam. Now it smells like my ass and sandalwood. That's kind of nice. Now, for sure, also, here's a little secret that I've learned from the ladies. Poop-a-ray. Get that little spray that I've learned from the ladies. Poop hurry. Get that little spray. You put it in the toilet before, you boop, no smell.

Let me ask you this. You got a bidet? No, do you? No, everybody's got a bidet but us. We're the only three people in America without a bidet, it feels like. Bidets seem nice. They seem great. They used to get mocked for a bidet, but I feel like now that they're green, right?

Yeah, yeah. It's kind of nice, too. I feel like you're not fully wiping the ass without a bidet. It's true. I mean, they make a good case. You wouldn't wipe shit off your arm with a dry towel. I mean, I do, but I wouldn't do it normally. But the bidet is the gay marriage of toiletries.

Why is that? Because it used to not be accepted, and a few people were into it, and now everybody likes it, and it tickles your asshole. But I'm just saying it's come around. It's tough that the asshole tickle is now part of the bedroom because then you take a shit, you get a little arouse. Yes, yes, yeah, your brain is confused.

Yeah. Yeah, but I always read on the shit. Just like during sex. Oh yeah, we're all confused. This is a lot of fucking coffee. Yeah, Matt, we might have gone overboard here. This is 10 cups for three of us? Yeah, what are you doing?

Is this for the AA meeting after? I mean, this is a full pot. Pole pot. Bad dictator. I'm doing word association here. For anyone who questions that Mark is autistic. He's trying not to think about Nora. I am, I am.

You got the photo. Can we move the photo? It's very upsetting. Jesus Christ. Truly a legend. I'm sorry. On my YouTube page is a thing that says Mark Norman on Norm MacDonald.

It's like 30 minutes of somebody compiled me blowing Norm and just made it a video. So that's where, if you want to hear me talk about him, it's there. And just watch, there's a great channel. I saw he retweeted one of your jokes. Oh, I reposted it on Instagram and it met the world to me. Yeah, he has a YouTube page called I'm Not Norm,

and whoever made it is like some super fan, and it's so well done, and it's got all the best shit, so check that out. I'm Not Norm. It's rough, man. What should we try to talk about? I mean, let's try to talk about upbeat stuff maybe. I don't know.

Yeah. You have a good weekend and any good recs for me? I got a ton of stuff to talk about. Oh, I watched Malice at the Palace. Pretty great. I loved it. It's incredible, man. Yeah, on Netflix, it's only an hour and eight minutes.

So if you're looking for a great short doc, it's terrific. I remember where I was when that happened. It was such a shocking moment, the fight in the palace. But yeah, Artest, now Meadoworld Peace, Jermaine O'Neal, Steven Jackson, it's great. It's great. Reggie. So well done and oh, it just shows

like the media can spin stuff and these poor guys went through hell. O'Neal was on the course to be a big shot. Well, he was a great player, but I think that really hurt him. Oh, yeah. I think you put in that kind of work, and your teammates keep taking the wind out from under your sails. Yeah.

I got to give a shout out to the guy or the gal, whoever directs these things. The new one with marty fish have you guys heard of marty fish wait i like the cream first sorry tell me when a little more all right this guy marty Fish is a tennis guy, and he's just a regular guy, but he got to, like, number one in the world,

and then he had a mental breakdown and lost it all. But these untolds are amazing. The Bruce Jenner one, this one, Mal's in the Palace, the Christy Martin one, they're incredible. Whoever's doing these deserves a good day. The Bruce Jenner one's incredible? Incredible, because you never hear that side of him, you know? Because Caitlyn came through.

Here we go. Hey, to a new beginning. Here, here. To a sober episode. Matt, do you want some coffee? Oh, it smells pretty damn good. Guatemala, baby. Mmm, COVID.

That's really good. That's good coffee. Wow. Shout out to JJ Roasters for sending this to us. Hell yeah. I love it, man. Man, that is good. And that oat milk is hitting the spot.

Oat milk, underrated milk. Oh, the best milk. It makes me, it's like you ever date someone and you're like, they were great. And then you date someone after and you're like, oh no, they're great. That's what it feels like, the transition from almond to oat milk. I thought almond was good. And then I was like, almond ain't shit. Yeah. i thought almond was good and i was like almond ain't shit yeah and i'm glad almond's over because we got through all those there ain't no nipples on

an almond all right all right we got it i mean it's like everyone has it everyone has it yeah too much how you milk an oat there's no nipples on an oat yeah yeah yeah so marty fish yeah just a fascinating guy because he's a guy like us, but he got wrapped up in this. He played tennis as a kid just for fun, and then he started getting competitive, and he did okay. He was friends with Andy Roddick. They would compete, whatever, but he lost 10 games in a row to Andy Roddick. He was a friend.

And then one day he just said, you know what? I'm pretty good at tennis. I'm going to change my whole life, work out every day, and become the best. And he just did it. And then he started beating beaten a doll he beat all these guys it's unbelievable it's just a thing flipped i mean his wife was like i mean it ruined our marriage like he was out every day practicing and he said he would just tell a guy serve the ball to me that on that side and then that side we're gonna do that for like four hours and then then they would go jog and then they would go work out i mean it's unreal he just had something flip and then he went crazy

that's crazy that you know you pursue what you do what it takes to really be great and the toll it's never nothing it's always it's always something pretty extreme and yes it's hard to have it all so i don't want to give away the ending but he's on his way to the U.S. Open, the top elite against Djokovic, or whatever his name is, the best in the world, and he's having a panic attack in the car on the way there on the limo,

and his wife goes, this is bad. You know you don't have to go, and he was like, I don't, and he just went home. Wow. On his way to the Open. Insane. Wow. Cool his way to the open. Insane.

Wow. Cool doc. Check it out. Untold. The whole series is killer. Yeah, I liked it. Yeah, these sports docs are really... They're fun.

Docs were just kind of a thing. Like, you'd see a doc every five years back when we were younger. Now they're, like, taken over. And movies suck. Docs are killing it. I mean, Netflix doesn't have a lot of good original shows, but then the docs they have are pretty strong.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, killing it. Even the 9-11 one was great. I didn't see that. I jerked off to it. You jerked off to it? That's one of the best. Oh, that's a, yeah. That Louis bit, you could tell what a person you were by how long you waited to jack off after 9-11.

For me, it was in between the first and the second. Pretty great. Between the first and the second. That's great. I remember jerking off on Christmas morning once and feeling horrible about myself. Really? Yeah, yeah. I did it for the Jews.

Before, but I could hear my grandparents downstairs, and was like family time and I was like I got to rub one out real quick I was like 13 14 and uh you have no control of your penis in 13 14 the penis controls you yeah you just wake up with a stiff one you're like oh fuck and no present was as good as that uh that tube sock I filled that was the one year you were happy you got extra socks for Christmas as good as that tube sock I filled. That was the one year you were happy you got extra socks for Christmas. Yeah. Like, oh, shit, how do you know I needed these?

Right, I hung that stocking up. It was hard. Holy jeez, what are you doing, Sally? Christmas masturbating. Oh. What the? You're going to get us kicked off YouTube. I was going to jerk it off on presents, but I got...

We don't need a visual for everything, Matt. We can just visualize some of this. The worst part was the candy cane up my ass. But other than that, it was a great time. Yeah, dude. I mean, that 9-11... I can't watch any 9-11 stuff. I'll tell you, though.

I'll tell you, the one movie I think handled it tastefully was 25th Hour. Oh, yeah. The Spike Lee movie, where they're just kind of at ground zero. And there was actually a New York Times article about this last weekend about how that was like the one movie.

And that's how I felt. I remember seeing the theater and it's Philip Seymour Hoffman and Barry Pepper just like looking over. Because all these movies were editing the Twin Towers in at the time. And it's like, what the fuck are you doing? This is like the opposite of being a Holocaust denier. You know what what i mean it's like hey right it's weird you're just like

what do you put so that uh yeah you always hear that no jews in the building it's like i think they were jews in the building right what are you talking about that's always the big conspiracy about 9-11 there were no jews in the building just saying that massad took it down right and they they warned all the jews like they do I have time to do that? Yeah. Do you believe that? Of course not. Yeah, I mean.

I mean, no. I mean, I don't know. Yeah, I just think, I remember that day. I mean, you were here, right? Really? Yeah, I remember it. Here's a photo of him at a bar drinking after. Yeah.

Wait, what'd you do? What were you, like 11? I was in school, yeah yeah i remember my dad to take me out of school we uh i remember i had a teacher give us a pop quiz uh like we found out that that the one tower minus two i was like look in their defense this is a math class so i don't know but uh no she was a spanish teacher and we were like, fuck you. We were all screaming at her. Like, we're not taking this. And then she gave us, she was like, pop quiz.

And we're like, we're under attack. And I just wrote fuck you on the test. Whoa. I got an F. But you know what? Hell yeah. I was like, fuck this shit. I don't know if my mom's OK.

Right. Yeah, crazy, man. This is my photo from. I woke up. Oh, let's see it. Is up uh hung over i was in college and i walked downstairs and it was tough times at the norman household just me being a piece of shit and i walked down my dad goes uh something horrible has happened i was like oh god did i wreck the car did i drive to the front lawn? Did I do something? And he goes, look at the TV. And the towers were smoking.

I went, oh, thank God. Oh, my God. Because I thought it was me. But then two seconds later. Thank God you didn't get a DUI and 9-11 happened. We really lucked out. You selfish fuck. I wrecked my dad's car like a week before, and I was blacking out a lot. So it was a tough time.

But obviously, that took precedent over there yeah man you know uh i remember i mean we all lined up to give blood but the lines were too long i mean that was like that's how amazing new yorkers are in times of crisis is like we all lined up to give blood and they're like nope we have too many people already we're set yeah we tried a few hospitals there was no one to give blood to yeah at some point because no one was coming in uh it was injured right remember how much we loved firemen? That was like the firemen heyday that time. Yeah, well firemen are still pretty beloved I think.

Yeah, but they were like in the front limelight. I love watching the docs too because you hear the accents like 31st floor. You know, you gotta hear it. It's great, like thick Irish Brooklyn firemen accents. Yeah. Good times. Yeah man,, like thick Irish Brooklyn fireman accents. Yeah. Good times. Yeah, man, I remember that day.

It was crazy. Really, really terrible. Hot take? Hot take. I don't want to divide anyone here, but 9-11 was bad. I will say there was some unity amongst the country for once. Well, because it was us versus them. Yes.

It wasn't us versus each other. I know, it yeah the division yeah my god the division i mean we liked rudy giuliani back then that's right until his entire presidential campaign was 9-11 9-11 9-11 that was literally every line there were like compilations where we're like yeah dude we know who you are yeah rudy had a had a hot minute in New York. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He was big. Broken window theory.

That was his. What's that? That's like. It's when you have cops take on little petty crimes, like jumping the turnstile. Right. And that leads to cleaning up the city. If you catch a guy who's jumping a turnstile,

he's also someone who's going to rob someone in the subway.ile. Right. And that leads to cleaning up the city. If you catch a guy who's jumping the turnstile, he's also someone who's going to rob someone in the subway. Oh, shit. The idea is if you take care of the little things, the big things will follow.

Yes. You get the seed. Broken window. Broken window theories. Yeah, something like that. But it seemed to work because crime went way down. But they also did

the stop and frisk. It was pretty controversial. Stop and frisk is bad. I got fr bad um i got first once did you yeah i think i was the guy they were like get him in it'll help optics so what diversity worked in your favor or against you i mean against me yeah uh hmm yeah i got a good rec fee boys this week oh i love it nobody holds a coffee cup like this the maril i mean look at that's a the Murill. I mean, look, that's a real writer right there. Really? That's a good hold. I do, but I just always hold it like this, I guess.

I don't know. Pro hold. I'm like a dweeb with the handle. This looks a little weird, too. Yeah, but the above and the side, that's good. I got a big hand. Here's my rec. Old movie, not old old, but from but from I believe the late 80s, called The Fabulous Baker Boys.

Oh! Jeff Bridges, Bo Bridges. Skeet Ulrich? No, Michelle Pfeiffer. Dah! It's basically, it is like the best movie about comedy that's not about comedy. Well, isn't this like Train Robbing?

No, that's another movie. I'll pick something else. They're a piano band. They play piano together, Jeff and Bo Bridges. They can't sell tickets. There's so many great scenes where they're trying to get paid at the end of the night.

They're trying to get gigs. There's a scene in the beginning where they hand them an envelope and Jeff Bridges goes, count it. Count the money. They're always to get gigs and there's a scene in the beginning where they hand him an envelope and Jeff Bridges goes, count it. Count the money. They're always getting shorted. Great scenes like that. Oh, been there. But there, oh yeah.

And then there's, they're kind of struggling to get bookings and Bo, his older brother, says he's the more conservative one. He's got a wife and kids he needs to provide for, whereas Jeff, the younger brother is he's he's more talented he's more of an artist i mean it's hilarious there's scenes where he's in like a club playing jazz you know and like black guys and they have to get black guys and they'll be like he's good you're like you got to put him over you need a black guy in there to be like no he's good right

right ultimate nod but uh yeah but they're not selling tickets so they're like we need a woman in there michelle they she's an ex-prostitute, turns out has a great voice. She goes on the road with them, and it kind of goes from there. It's really good. Wow. A lot of great lines. There's a lot of great one-liners.

There's a line in it where he's in the jazz club, and one of the guy goes, aren't you playing the Sheridan or something? He goes, yeah, it keeps me out of trouble. And he goes, then what are you doing here? He goes, looking for trouble. Yeah! A lot of fun lines. I love it. I've never thought about this movie i've heard the title but i never knew

this was about shout out to ronan hershberg our buddy because he was like you got to watch it it's like so like comedy yeah the way they're doing the road and stuff and the way they're hustling to survive and uh and then i love these worlds where prostitutes look like michelle pfeiffer by the way where's that prostitute i've seen the ones that look like Michelle Pfeiffer, too, by the way. Where's that prostitute? I've seen the ones that look like Patrick Ewing. I'm in. It's great. It's on YouTube in its entirety.

I couldn't find it anywhere else, actually. But it's free on YouTube. Oh, yeah. You've got something else. The Fabulous Baker Boys. I'm in. Great rec. Good flick. Good pull. You don't mind going back in a time machine and checking out. It's like the fabulous Baker boys. I'm in. Great. Good flick.

Good pull. You don't mind going back in a time machine and checking out the late 80s. I like old something about old movies gives me calm. You know, it's like their their work lives on. I kind of like that. It's not even that old. It's like the late 80s, I think. But yeah, I like really old movies usually.

Yeah. Yeah. That's fun, though. The 80s were were very cookie cutter for movies, I think. But this one seems interesting. Yeah, yeah. That's fun, though. The 80s were a very cookie cutter for movies, I think. But this one seems interesting. I mean, any movie that I can parallel with the wrestler, Crazy Heart, this. I like a movie that- Well, another Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart.

That's right. But I felt like I like Crazy Heart, but I feel like it was kind of like the wrestler light. Similar, yeah. It was like the PG-13 wrestler. Right. The wrestler. Wrestler's incredible. Incredible.

Man, something about pro wrestling gives me like i was on the road this weekend and i was sick and i was you know feeling like crap in that hotel room and there's something about being sick on the road that's just so damn awful the worst and uh i'm laying in bed i'm like what do i do you ever when you're sick you just go back to like childhood comforts i just threw on like a wrestling match from like back in the day. Then you like dig deep in a YouTube comment hole and it's like how the wrestlers fucking hate each other.

And they're like, that piece of shit didn't fall when he was supposed to fall. Gave me a concussion, you know? I love that shit. You ever see Beyond the Mat? No, I hear it's great. Oh, it's great. Yeah.

Is that the one with Bret Hart? No, it's the Jake the Snake sort of doc, I believe. Oh, no. Yeah, I didn't see that. I've seen a bunch of them, but I didn't see this one. Yeah. They did Andre the Giant. They did Ric Flair.

And they're doing a Hulk Hogan one soon. I was never a Hogan guy. I wasn't really either. I like Ric Flair. I was a Macho Man guy. Oh. They all hated Hogan. They were like, it's funny.

I hear these things about the political game, how guys like Hogan and Shawn Michaels weren't as well liked because they played the politics, kind of. They were very talented, obviously, especially Shawn Michaels, but they weren't... Macho Man was funny, I thought. He was funnier, yeah. Oh, yeah. I like Macho Man, I like Bret Hart, I liked...

Shawn Michaels. He was great. Yeah, yeah, I liked that, too. I liked Hogan know. Shawn Michaels. He was great. Yeah, yeah. I liked that too. I liked Hogan because he was bald. I remember thinking like, this bald guy is hanging in there. He had the long hair with bald and people still liked him.

The long hair with bald is a rough line. I remember Russ Meneve used to have a joke where he goes, how about a bald guy with a ponytail? It looks like all your hair got together and hung itself. Oh! I love jokes like that.

That's great. Yeah, man. No, Macho Man jokes like that. That's great. Macho Man was the best. There's a real darkness to wrestlers. Even beyond comic. They're on the road harder than we are. And they're sore. Think about how sore we are just from flights.

And they're doing that shit while fake fighting and jumping through tables and shit. And the pills and the booze and the coke. I mean, they go hard, these guys. And they get hit with folding chairs. They die young. They got to hit the gym. They got to look good.

They have to invent a character. Like maybe The Rock and what's that guy's name? Sean, no. Mick Foley? Steve Austin. Oh, yeah. He's probably the last great character wrestler. Is there a new one now that I'm not aware of?

No, we just don't watch anymore. I guess you're right. Yeah, there's good people still. We just. But that guy, he would stand up on the ropes, they'd throw him a beer, he would chug it. They'd throw him another beer, he would chug it. Then he would go back to the mat.

I mean, he really was a spectacle. Yeah, he was a badass. Don't forget Goldberg. Everyone hated that guy. Oh, really? Well, anti-S anti-semitism no no no he was just a bad wrestler he did like he's the one who injured bret hart oh like he didn't know how to properly do to execute the move so we hurt him badly you can't you gotta learn the moves i think they tried to push him in a prime time like all his matches were really quick because he wasn't that good but he was like the new character it's almost like a tiktok comic doing comedy clubs we were like he's good on tiktok right he doesn't have the chops yet yeah uh strong guy but it's like you can't i mean that's like a

fucking ballet for meatheads almost it really is that's a great way to put it ballet for meatheads speaking of uh that i went to see Jimmy Buffett at Red Rocks. Oh, man, how was that? That's why I needed this coffee, because I destroyed my body over the three days I was with Burt Kreischer. We did two IVs back to back. Did that help? Unbelievable.

You get why these rich guys do it, because it's fucking awesome. The only problem is doing that shit, you're like, when you're that hungover, your body's like, please stop doing this. I know. And then you get an IV, and you're like when you're that hung over your body's like please stop doing this i know and then you get an iv and you're like i'm gonna keep doing this you got that right yeah i was drinking a mimosa with an iv in my other arm and we went at it i did shrooms at buffett i'm not the hugest jimmy buffett fan but you can't deny the good vibes look at that i mean i was standing with 10,000 people singing Cheeseburger in Paradise with a fucking shark hat on

and a Hawaiian shirt and a grass skirt. And I was on shrooms with my lady. We're dancing. I'm with Bert's wife, and Bert is hammered and chugging beers. I mean, it was really a special moment. Damn. Pretty cool. Looks fun. Super fun. How was really a special moment. Damn. Pretty cool.

Looks fun. Super fun. How was it for you taking a night off comedy? Not easy. But the shrooms helped. It's tough, right? Yeah. Don't you feel like,

I feel sometimes when I go to another thing, I'm like, what am I doing? I know, I know. I should be doing standup. Oh, all the time. The only thing I can kind of zone out is like a Knicks game. That's like the only thing I can be like, well is like a Knicks game. That's like the only thing

I can be like, well, it is like my favorite thing. Yeah. But other than that. You really need to be captivated or else you're just like, I'm a piece of shit. I'm guilty.

I got to get in there, you know. I love baseball, but it's too slow. The whole time I'm like, I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit. And here's the windup. Yeah.

We went to that Yankees game and we got lit up just because I think I got a guilt. I've got a question for you, Sam. Sure. You get to pick one of two things and you only get to see it once in your life. The Knicks win a championship

or you play MSG. Ooh, that's easy. Well, for you maybe. Knicks, the Knicks thing. I think he's going to pick the Knicks. Well, you're saying me or another person. You'll never see one again. You'll never see another

championship he's gonna watch the knicks until he dies here's here's what i'll say it's a good question championship means less to me than just being run competently like ah like i am okay with losing i just want to lose like then my favorite team ever is the 90s knicks they never won like i love the 90s yankees so much they won i got my favorite team is a team that never won. I love the 90s Yankees so much. They won. My favorite team is a team that never won. So I'm okay with not winning. So I will probably choose me here. But at the same time, I really do love that.

And also, here's the problem. Oh, that was a badass team. Look at that. We're men, we're men, baby. They represented the city and they did it with style. No, they were a badass team. Look at that. We're men, we're men, baby. Yeah. They represented the city and they did it with style. Oh yeah. No, they were a great team. I just wanna be cool and competitive again.

Also, if they get too good, I'm never gonna get tickets. Good point, good point. I love it. But, I mean, look, I really wanna see him win, for sure. But also, it's like, you have to take a moment sometimes with sports and be like, does this really affect my life right right you know that's true good that's good i think that's healthy um knicks are the one like i'm a knicks fan and a giants fan a yankees fan and the giants beat tom brady twice in the super bowl so i'm kind of like i'm set on football for life and i better be watching the giants the last few years. Holy

shit. Yikes. But, uh, Yankees too. I'm like set for life. I got to live through Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera and Jorge Posada and Bernie Williams and Tino. And like, those were like some of the coolest teams ever. Like I love Paul O'Neill. I love those guys, dude. But you know, the Knicks, they never won. And I'm like, eh, you know, then you see some of these kids who grew up like in Boston where their teams won every year. They're like 20 in Boston. Like,

Oh, you just never knew what losing was like. That's bad for a kid. That's, you just become a fair weather, little shithead. Right. I hate fair weather fans.

I think it's like, it exposes lack of character. Like you're like, Oh, Oh, you're a dolphins, Yankees and, uh, Chicago Bulls fan. Right. Yeah. It's like one of the things where you're like oh oh you're a dolphins yankees and uh chicago bulls fan right yeah it's like one of the things we're like oh you're a fan of all the teams that were the best

when you were a kid and you just stuck it out so you think that means you have character but it's like no you got to win right you're shitty i think that like i think like if you're a loyal sports fan you're often loyal to like people and i think it's other, it's not just that. Yeah, it's like saying, what's your favorite restaurant? McDonald's, Burger King, and Wendy's. Like, come on, man. Get in there. How is it like that?

Ah, shit. Well, it's just an easy answer. Like, oh, you like the one that everybody else likes? It's mainstream. Oh, I didn't think that was weird. I mean, my thing is like, I have friends who are like, one of my good friends, Dory. I shouldn't have all the time. It was like,

he was like, he was a Lakers fan during the Shaq and Kobe era. Now he's a Warriors fan. And I'm like, you're, you're a fucking bitch, Dory. And he'll,

and he's gonna mad me for saying this, but I'm like, Dory. And he'll be like, well, I'm from the Bay area. And I'm like, but you grew up a Lakers fan.

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Yep By the way I put Spike Lee up here for a reason I was watching his 9-11 doc That's on HBO all the time now The one about the levees? Oh that's Katrina sorry It's like New York over the last 20 years It's like a 15 part doc

His daughter's in it. Her name is Satchel. Like Woody Allen. Woody Allen has a son named Satchel. Baseball player? Satchel Paige. Both named after Satchel Paige. Wow.

That's fun. What are the chances of Woody Allen? Both directors. Both directors, both New Yorkers. Interesting. Both Knicks fans? I think. The only two kids in the country named Satchel

have to be theirs. No, there's other Satchels. There's a couple Satchels out there. It's not even a real name. It was a name. Satchel Paige. I think it's a nickname. I think.

Jeez. You know what I'm going to name my kid? Lou Gehrig's disease. Morel. It's a long one. I knew a comic back in the day, Glenn Coyle, rest in peace, Glenn, very funny guy. He said, my girlfriend got Lou Gehrig's disease, so I traded her.

I love it. That's great. He was a funny bastard. Alright, let me give you a weird rec. I'm off on this, because this fucking Norm thing is right in my asshole. It's fucking horrible. Horrible. I keep forgetting and then you remember again and you want to just end it

all, but get yourself one of these and thank me later. forgetting and then you remember again and you want to you want to just end it all but uh get yourself one of these and thank me later jam box i'm talking a little bit little thing you get the size of a coffee mug you can put in your suitcase it's a speaker speaker for your bluetooth little one yeah one of those the smaller the better bring it to your hotel room i like to play my podcast out loud i play a little music out loud not not too annoying level but like uh not you know puerto rican day parade but just like a little tune and you play it in the shower it's great i get into my apartment i got in a hotel room give it a shot it's good for

a backyard get yourself one of those jam boxes or pills or whatever you call them. Yeah, they are good. I like those things. They're good. They're underrated because they come in handy. We were sitting out during Red Rocks in the lawn, and somebody had one. I was like, thank God you have this thing. They're great.

It's crazy how good we are at avoiding conversation now. Oh, yeah. I was thinking about that. It's crazy how good we are at avoiding conversation now. Oh, yeah. I was thinking about that. I was watching a show on the Comedy Central app on my TV. You're the one. But it had commercials.

And I was like, so every time there'd be a commercial, my girlfriend and I would talk about what we just saw. I was like, oh, we don't do that anymore. Right. It's weird that you're like, oh, shit, I used to do this with every show. You'd watch something. There'd be a commercial. You'd talk.

Now it's like literally the episode's over starting next episode four three two yeah you're like oh shit all right we can't have a moment to ourselves we we freak out it's anxiety yeah or like when you have an awkward moment the phones i mean that the the little jam box thing too it's like you're like you're hanging like fuck what are we gonna do yeah thank god thank god there's noises yeah yeah no you're right you're right It's like you're hanging there like, fuck, what are we going to do? Thank God. Thank God there's noises. Yeah. Yeah, no, you're right. You're right.

I mean, even if you're walking down the sidewalk, oh, you get the red light. I got four seconds. I look at my phone. You know, we all do it. We can't have a second. I lost my phone last week. I left it in an Uber. I was crushed.

I was walking around like, who am I? Where am I? I didn't know. Who's contacting me? What's in the news today it was it was a nightmare then i got it back two days later but it was like it was weird it felt like you feel disconnected from earth which is sad yeah no it's true and these sounds there's something about comfort when you're traveling all the time like just noise even if it's a show i

don't like i just throw on like it's like chopped on Food Network. And I'm like, I don't even like watching this, but it's just there. It's just there. I'd rather have like, consistent than good. Ambient. Yes, yes. I feel comfortable.

I play a podcast to go to, I go to bed to podcast because I just don't want the silence. Damn. It's not good. Yeah, it's not good. And I did that as a kid too. I get wound up. As long as we do an audio book is more comforting. Podcast is too tight.

How do you go to bed to, is it like a NPR podcast? Yeah, I go like a serious one, like Freakonomics or Radiolab or something like that where it's just kind of droney and I'm out. I can do like an audio book, but I can't do like, yeah. That works too. I guess it's like the same shit though. But you're right, man.

We are juiced up. We need to be constantly entertained, constantly distracted. I mean mean can you even imagine taking a shit without a phone in your hand oh somebody once told me they're uh they didn't get back to me they're like sorry i was shitting i was like who shits without a phone you're obviously lying yeah you would have seen that while shitting and wiping so i got him him on that one. But yeah, just think like 1996, we just took a shit. Just stared at the wall. Usually you had a book or a newspaper. George Carlin brain droppings or something in there.

Right, right. Or you'd have- You have books behind the toilet? Oh, I still have toilet books. Calvin and Hobbes. How about the dirtiest jokes or whatever? Remember those thick, inappropriate- I love those.

Oh man, those got me through some real diarrhea. I remember those old jokes, like the dirty ones. Remember the one where, this is one of my favorite ones, the one, the guy, he's shit-faced, and he comes home, and before he goes home, the bartender's like, he's like, my wife's gonna kill me, what do I do?

The bartender goes, put a $10 bill in your front pocket. Oh, I love this joke. Vomited on your shirt, because he vomited on his shirt. He's like, no, no, just put, and your wife won't get mad mad he gave you 10 bucks for the dry clean and he goes that's great he goes home his wife's like what the fuck happened he goes someone vomited on my shirt he gave me 10 she pulls it out this is a 20 goes he also shit in my pants great joke great dirty jokes like that i love oh yeah i used to read those and you don't want to get you get hemorrhoids because you never want to get off the toilet Those were great

It was like pre-Twitter you know Yeah those were great Why is my poop pink? Oh because this was a good book What was that old one? A guy kicks his trailer door open His gigantic wife is sitting on a Barka lounger And the guy's holding a duck And the guy goes this is the pig I've been fucking

And the wife goes that's not a pig it's a duck he goes i was talking to the duck i mean that's a that is just classic classic comedy not mine i think that's a new heart but uh either way good times those books were somebody had to think of those oh i mean you know what i loved back in the day do you guys were you familiar with snaps oh what are you kidding come on you, you knew Snaps. I went to public school. Al Jaffe, Snaps? No, they were like, dude. That was the saddest thing I've ever heard. Dude, they're like, they're books of insult. So I would show up to school,

people thought I was a genius for a while because I was in like second grade rattling off insults. Like someone would say something to me, I'd be like, oh yeah, your mom's so old, she doesn't have milk in her tits, she's got sour cream. And everyone would be like, oh shit. I'd be like, yeah, your mom's legs are She doesn't have milk in her tit. She's got sour cream. And everyone would be like, oh shit. I'd be like, yeah, your mom's legs are like peanut butter, smooth and easy to spread.

Yeah. And that's what propelled you to become a comic. Yeah. Although I was a young boy who was stealing the material of snaps. But yeah, oh my God. You're like, oh, your mom's so fat. When she puts on a high heel, she strikes oil. All right?

I'll tell you, she's all right. Your mom's so old, when the gods had let there be light, she the switch your mom's so dumb i said it was chilly outside she got a bowl i mean there was a million of them your mom's so fat when she sits around the house she really sits around the house uh some were better than others but yeah some weren't great but they i mean man you you yeah they lost steam by i think the third book they were just like you're like like yeah they just got an advance or something some of these are and some all the moms out there like what did i do what the fuck i know why me dude we would rattle those off and it was like oh yeah it was great same that was like the new duel it was like you weren't gonna shoot somebody but you were gonna verbally

yes go at them. Rap battle almost. Yeah, that was good stuff. Everybody had them too. Everybody had their one in their back pocket. Snaps. What were the other ones? You had to make fun back then because there wasn't fun.

Your mom's so thin, she could hula hoop in a Cheerio. Oh, yeah. But thin is kind of a compliment. You say skinny. Thin is a compliment. You say, you're so skinny. Your mom's so fat,

she uses the equator as a belt. I think that was one. compliment your mom's so skinny thin is a compliment you say you're so skinny your mom's so fat she uh she uses the equator as a belt i think that was one and oh here we go when your mom's so fat when she goes camping she hides they hide their food that's fun that's a good one uh-huh i'm so fat she stepped on a scale and said to be continued these are clever these are good i swore your mom's so fat i swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas that's good oh remember that one my your mom's so fat i slapped her ass and i rode the wave oh that was a good one that's a good one yeah strikes oil there's yours wow this is just sam's joke book right here your mom's so fat she brought a spoon to the super bowl come

on play on words gold snaps or do well on twitter oh your mom's so fat she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl. Come on. Play on words. Gold. Snaps would do well on Twitter. Oh, your mom's so fat her blood type is ragu. I forgot about that one. They do that one on The Sopranos. I think that's a polywonus. He says it again.

He goes, you hear what I said? I said she's so fat her blood type is ragu. He repeats it. That's right. Oh, man, your mom's so fat her character in Star wars would be admiral snack bar that is like that one's rough that is like that's a long way to go long hell of a reference hell of a reference what about uh the ones about the mom being loose are funny too oh yeah even rodney is kind of has like a but they're about about himself. Exactly, yeah. He's like, man, I'm so fat, I dropped a... Oh, that's a classic.

Your mom is so ugly, she threw a boomerang and refused to come back. Oh, 29. Your mom's so stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. That's a classic. When I was a kid, it took her two hours to make Minute Rice.

So that's just a little skew on that one. She put airbags on her computer because it crashed. Ooh. It's not a good one. Stupid is the harder one. Yeah. It's like a 60 minutes one. It is like, it is, you know, look,

the mom is like, the mom is the most offensive thing. I'm like, why aren't there more father jokes? But like the mom is the most hurtful thing you can say. We're trying to sting here. By the way, blonde jokes and Polack were big and those are just over. They're not that, they're not just over. They're not that good. They're not that good, but it also shows

if you kind of like don't complain, they go away. Because you want to zing somebody. So if you're like, hey, you're Polak, they're like, eh, then you don't even do it anymore. The Polish were too dumb to complain. There you go. Blonde jokes were big. Those are over.

Those are over. Too many people are dying their hair now. Yeah, that's true. It's fake blondes. Yeah. Hold on. Let me get some other stuff. You got a peeve?

Let me see. I got one I did. I did this to my girlfriend. I got like, I do this sometimes. I don't know why I do this. A lot of people I think do this. But I got, we were getting a snack for the movie and I had like a little pin on a popcorn bag

and I grabbed it and I said, oh, these might be old even with the pin. So I said, let me try. I tried it. I was like, it's not good. And I handed it to her, like for her to confirm that it wasn't good. Why didn't I just accept that it wasn't good

and throw it out? I was like, you try the bad thing as well. I do that with milk sometimes. I'm like, I think it's expired here. Don't you do that? Yeah, we do do that. We all do that. That's an annoying thing that I was like, I'm busting myself now. I'm not just calling out other

people's peeves. I want to hold myself accountable. Yeah, this tastes terrible. You try it. Yeah, is this beer skunk? This is skunk. You always have your friend try it. Yeah, that's a thing we do. I don't know if that's a peeve, but it's... If someone else does it, it is. I guess so. Let's see what else yeah i don't know what

about this for a peeve you ever have this one you ever make a good point like you're you're kind of arguing with a guy and you make a good point he goes that's fair no no i'm right that's right you're wrong that's not that's not fair i'm right that's the word his wording suggests that but he's not outright saying it he's found a way around giving you complete credit that's what it is i want the credit. You know, you go two plus two is five. I say, no, it's two plus two is four. He goes, that's fair.

No, no, no, that's correct. But yeah. It's not a peeve, it's just a tag on your peeve. Please. Someone says, am I right or am I right? Ah, that's hilarious. Oh my God, am I right or am I right? You're fucking annoying.

Yeah, good point. Am I right or am I right? I think you should fucking sit on a pair of scissors. Am I right or am I right? You're fucking annoying. Yeah, good point. Am I right or am I right? I think you should fucking sit on a pair of scissors. Am I right or am I right? Yeah, come on. This is kind of a smart business move. You can't lose. Am I right or am I right?

Yeah, but you know the person who coined that was like a fucking asshole. Oh, no doubt about it. There's no way that guy wasn't the worst. Yeah. How about the person that goes, working hard or hardly working? Oh clever, thanks. Yeah, that was big the first time in 1804 when the guy said that.

That was a real cheese dick who said, it was never a cool person. Right, right. Oh man, those cubicle kind of like office jokes are brutal. Yeah, million dollars short of a million dollars or whatever the fuck it was. What was that one? You know that one. I'm a million dollars short of a million dollars or whatever the fuck it was what was that one you know that one i'm a million dollars how you doing millionaire yeah it's always a how you

doing yeah just give me a fucking good i know just say good keep it moving don't even say i'll give you hanging in there because we're all struggling right now that is like the process of like over time it changes like 20s you're like i'm good 30s you're like i'm hanging in there 40s you're like you know right right you know how i'm doing get the fuck up that's a bit potential i'll tell you this guy's all right he's clucking bits how about this one oh you just got in huh thanks for bringing the weather with you oh yeah yeah that was me i'm storm from the x-men asshole all right right, right. I'm Katrina in the waves. All right, you got a bit? Do you have a P?

Oh, you do have a P. Okay, yeah. Here's my bit idea. It's not much. I just nodded down, but goddamn, getting the push notifications now on Norm. Here's what I got.

Jesus. Something about like, you want to get an adult woman in the mood, just apologize to her. That's what it is now. Nothing gets a woman more turned on when you're like, hey, I've been thinking about what I said to you earlier and it really wasn't fair to you.

You know what I mean? That's hot. Young women, they want to be taken to a concert. Old women, they just want you to swallow your pride. That turns them on. They are willing to do that for them. Because young women need excitement and adult women, they just need a win.

Right, they need validation. You know what I mean, there's something there. Yeah, yeah, for sure. You need a perfect example, you know, like, you know, if she's. Did that crack in my neck? That was a doozy. That's for real.

What is a good, yeah, you know, if you're like, you know what, I don't take you out enough, or something where you give in and then you let her win. You know, like, oh, yeah. I'm just like kissing her and I'm like, you're right. I really do have a lot of work to do on myself or something. Yeah, that's hot. That's dirty talk right there.

Because women want to know that a man can improve. Mm-hmm. What a great system. They always want to improve you. They're trying to improve you. They're trying to improve you. We're like stocks. Women buy low and they just hope.

Sometimes you crash. Let's call a divorce what it really is. We crashed. Right, yeah. We plummeted. Yeah, that's interesting. The funny thing about women is they want you

to improve but they're not really doing the improving you got to do it yeah you can't really do that with like a house or something if you want your house to be fixed up you got to fix the house but she wants you to improve from the inside they do work sometimes they're like what if you did this they make suggestions suggestions yeah but it's like hey how about you you help me you come to therapy with me you uh you teach me how to do this and that can you imagine giving your girlfriend or fiance one bit of advice to get better how that would go over i've done it and then how did it go over uh she's dead now no no she uh she took it she's cool my my lady played sports and i think that

kind of helped her a lot it just toughens you up like you can take criticism and she's one of those people like i want to know i want to know like tell me nothing worse than the ladies like am i do i look fat in this and you're like a little and they're like fuck you it's like well don't ask me mark picks the wrong time to be a truth teller yeah yeah no you're not supposed to be the lenny bruce of how do i look all right but if i look fat and something i'd want you guys to tell me but you know that you and your girlfriend are not fat i know but tell her that she doesn't know you tell her that your girlfriend did and i got i got the waterworks no i'm joking i i uh yeah i think there's some

potential here there's some potential here. There's something here. Yeah, for sure. I like that. What do you got? I got a lady bit, too. Do you? Yes.

How's that going to hold on to your penis? So I've been with my gal for a while now, and you learn when you're with a lady, in the beginning, the private parts are the genitals, and after a while, when you're with a girl, the private parts are kind of meaningless genitals and after a while when you're with a girl the private parts are kind of meaningless because you've been there done that the stomach is the new private part you i touch my girlfriend's boob she's like hey how you doing if i touch your stomach she's like what the fuck are you crazy oh wow and you know it's like that is more private

now than the uh than the tits you've proven you're safe to the vagina. Right. But it's much harder to prove you're safe to the stomach. Yes. It's like the stomach lets you in and you bypass the stomach to get to the vagina. But then you're on your way back and they're like, where the fuck do you think you're going? Interesting. Well, I've been thinking about this bit

and I think the reason the stomach is so private and secretive is because it fluctuates. The boobs are kind of always. The boobs fluctuate, the vagina doesn't. Over years, but the stomach. Unless you have kids. You can have a bad weekend and the stomach changes. You can go off the rails with some cookies

and some ice cream, you know? And no girl has ever said, oh my God, my high school reunion's coming up, I gotta get these tits into shape. You know what I mean? The stomach, though, it's kind of a barometer for where you're at. Sometimes the stomach gets bigger, so do the tits.

That's true. I think the thing that's interesting, it's something about what's the thing that lets you in, it's easy to get in, but then it's hard to get out. Something like that. Oh, interesting. It's almost, well, because the stomach at first is not a big deal.

But then you go to the vagina, but then you're going back up. To me it's something about, it's almost like a relationship. It's easy to get in, it's hard to get out. Ooh. I don't know, I might be being too out there with this one. But like.

That's interesting, I see where you're going. Okay, let's go back to your, so, because the stomach changes? Yeah, the stomach changes. The stomach is like where you're at. Yeah. You go to the gym to work on your stomach. You're not working on your tits at the gym.

Right. That's my point. Some people get their tits reduced to work on their stomach at the gym. Right, that's true, yeah. I think I had something which is both need to be filled to be satisfied. Oh, that was your line.

Stomach and tits. That's good. No. Oh, and vagina. Vagina. But you don't have to be filled. Oh, that was your line. Stomach and tit. Oh, and vagina. But you don't have to be filled. Some gals like a nice fill-up, I think. A cream pie? No, no. I mean like dick size.

Oh, okay. I'm not talking about cheese. Well, fill-up sounds like filling up a tank, yeah. Full? No. Something has to be put in them to be satisfied? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's better. Better worded, yeah. Something has to be put in them to be satisfied. Oh, that's better. That's better, better worded, yeah. Now we're cooking.

That's a good tag, that's a good line. But I think there's something there because the stomach changes and I think that might be the official angle, like the meat of the bit. Don't touch my stomach. Yeah, well, even though. I've known you for years, we've had all kinds of sex,

we've done everything in the bedroom, but the stomach is still like, whoa, Jesus. Don't touch that. It's kind of fascinating. Stomach for the woman is like the butthole for the man. Oh, now we're cooking. Well, you're like, you can touch it, but you better give me a fucking heads up.

All right. Like you can touch it, but you better give me a fucking heads up. All right. Now that's an angle. Butthole for the man. It's the name of my album. I like it.

It's true. All right. Moving on. I just thought about Norm again. I'm sorry. Yeah, I know. I get it. It's tough. What a day.

Brutal. Life is tough. Life is hard all right i just want to i want to give a toast to neil diamond did he die okay why why no done i just think he's underrated in general i love neil diamond i was gonna ask a question towards the end of the pod which i think we're coming to right sorry that came out of nowhere the neil diamond thing um so people like norm we didn't get to tell him how much we appreciated him yes in the last months before he passed and i don't know even if he wanted that but is there someone you could think of who's alive right now that would like to hear how much you appreciate them i mean i just heard you say uh not new house what's his name new Bob Newhart. You mentioned Bob Newhart.

He's still alive. He is? Yeah, he is. He still performs. Yeah, I think people know. He was so tight with Rickles, who lived a long time as well, who performed till the very end as well.

Yeah, I mean, I think we tell them. I think they know. I think the people we know know, but if it's comics like that that we don't... Pick someone like you don't know, like a Newhart who would love to hear it. I mean, if he's listening or someone passes it to him. Like, oh.

Older comics, older comics. Anyone. It doesn't have to be a comic. Could be a director. Could be a writer. Could be a musician. Excuse me. We always wait until it's too late.

Norm's not going to hear any of this stuff we've been talking about how much we love him. Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to do Cosby. Let's see. Yeah, I mean, comedy comes to mind, but I just love Quentin Tarantino. I love Scorsese. The Coen brothers. I love Bill Murray.

Coen brothers, yeah. I love Lily Tomlin, man. Lily Tomlin's great. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard because there's so many, and it's hard to be specific, but when they die, you're just zoned in on them. But it's a good point.

We always worship people after they die. Like, this is gonna sound dark and morbid. Like, Dave Attell is one of the funniest guys on the planet. And he will die one day as we all will and i think he's gonna get propped up and blown and and put on a pedestal as he should but i think he should be have that more now i wish everyone would go out and see david tell on the road and i think they do i think he does well on the road but i think also just you should know that he is one of the greats of all time and also a great guy.

Great guy. But Dave is, see Dave if you're on the road. You know, support Dave's comedy because he's influenced all of us. Oh, yeah. We love him so much. Hear, hear. Yeah, so it tells a big one.

Yeah, because when he dies, it's going to be like, genius, comedy savant, blah, blah, blah. So also you never know what's going to happen to somebody. Norm came out of nowhere. Mulaney goes to rehab. He could have been hurt. You got to just... Everyone's got a struggle that we don't know about.

That's the thing I'm looking for. And as cheesy as that shit sounds, I didn't know Norm Macdonald had cancer. I didn't either. I didn't know that. Chadwick Boseman, we didn't know he had cancer. Chadwick Boseman, who was a great actor and only would have been bigger. Oh, he was to the moon.

He was going to be a megastar. He was going to be fucking Denzel. Hoffman. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. I mean, look at Bruce Jenner. The guy was going through this mental strife all these years. And then, like, you just never know.

People are going, he won the decathlon. He must be the healthiest guy ever. Not mentally you just never know. People are going, he won the decathlon, he must be the healthiest guy ever. Not mentally, you never know. So be more empathetic is what Mark is also saying, I think. Which is something that I've had to work on for sure. Good translator. Yeah. Yeah, I'm like Chewbacca, you're Han Solo.

I'm like, you translate it to the masses. Something about the Jews, I don't know. Chewbacca. Chewbacca. Beach of there, Hawaiian. Also, this episode's out. That means that Matt and my documentary's out. Mark's got a big role in it.

It's called Full Capacity. It's on my YouTube channel. It's going to be really good, so I hope you guys watch it. Give it a thumbs up. Share it. Send it to a friend. Mark's in it.

Taylor Tomlinson. Colin Quinn. Ronnie Chang. Ray Romano.. Colin Quinn. Ronnie Chang. Ray Romano. Dave Attell. Sam Jay. Chris Redd. So many.

Sal Vulcano. Sal Vulcano. Chris DiStefano. So many of your favorite people in it. Matt did such a great job with it. Yes. It's kind of a follow-up to the rooftop thing we did. Give a shout-out to the editor, too.

He killed it. Comedian Eric Scott. Eric Scott knocked shout out to the editor too. I mean, he killed it. Comedian Eric Scott. Eric Scott knocked it out of the park. Killer. Yeah. Knocked it out. This wouldn't exist without him. This wouldn't exist without him. And not only that, it wouldn't have the arc

and the story that it has without him. Yes, he's a talent. So he really, it's nice when a comedian edits something because they understand where to cut. They understand how to give it a story. They understand how to give it an arc. They understand how to give it an arc. And like, I'm very proud of what he did. I screened it for Mark and Mark said,

oh, this is paced like a comedian set. Yes. And I was like, oh, it's perfect. Blocked out perfectly. Like this section, this section, this section comes around at the end. It's really well done. I liked it.

I saw, I got misty. I mean, it's a great time capsule for that moment. And it's a great love letter to New York comedy. It's about when the pandemic, you know, when clubs just opened in New York, and what we'd all been through is comics, and you know, and kind of getting back into it. We're all rusty.

It's kind of that whole ride. So I hope people liked it. Yes, yes. And if you want to see what new york comedy is like i feel like you captured it pretty damn well so here here and uh to norm come on one to norm the one of the funniest guys ever one of my heroes so sad i i know it's been a week now since the news is out but we just found out so uh check out his stuff i mean it's the that's the only thing you can do yeah one of the greats one of the greats take it easy uh plug some date on the road yeah

come see us be hilarious at uh all kinds of nashville i'm at zany's love that club love that town uh comedy connection in providence. Comedy on State in Wisconsin. Rochester, New York. Let's see. Portland Helium. Laugh Boston. Good rooms. Oh, yeah.

Brea, California. Vancouver, B.C. New Orleans. Royal Oak, Michigan. Atlanta Buckhead Theater. All kinds of dates. Hopefully we got a Netflix cooking on November 1st, so keep an eye out for that.

We have two specials online. Check out the doc. Where are you going to be there, Fatty? St. Louis, Indianapolis, Springfield, Missouri, Chicago, Denver, Phoenix, SF, small theater in New York coming up too, so keep your eyes open on that and then what else

San Francisco on the 11th yeah yeah I got SF all these tickets are at samorell.com slash shows and then we also got we also got Buffalo and Dallas in December samorell.com slash shows so yeah we're gonna do a quick one for Norm just a quick little one Buffalo and Dallas in December. Samorella.com slash shows.

See you, yeah, we're gonna do a quick one for Norm. Just a quick little one, we gotta do it. We got some great. We weren't gonna drink this episode, but fuck, man, you gotta honor one of the greats. One of the toasts, just a toast for him. Give me that. Angel's envy.

Do you have a thing? I'll be fine. I got some coffee in here, we'll be good. You can do it with coffee? Yeah, just a little backwash. Never hurt anybody. This is good. Cheers.

Hey, to one of the great comedians of all time and we love you, Norm. You got that right. Big fan, hero. RIP. R.I.P. you