We Might Be Drunk - Ep 42: Mojito Bros

Episode Date: September 27, 2021

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We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, have peeps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Ah! Here we are, folks, we're back. I know last week was a sad and somber one, but we're here. I got a Hawaiian shirt on. Sam's wearing sweatpants. The beer Jew is cooking. We're rolling.

I like the outfit. Thank you. Thank you. I'm wearing sweatpants, too. I feel like it's still hot out. I'm like, when's this summer going to end? So I throw on a Hawaiian. The Hawaiian is, I don't think I've ever seen you in one.

I wore one here. Did you? This exact shirt. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well so I threw on a Hawaiian. The Hawaiian is, I don't think I've ever seen you in one. I wore one here. Did you? This exact shirt. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, I got to pay attention. They breathe. They breathe.

Yeah. It's weird when people say, what can breathe? The shirt? A wine? Yeah, wines can breathe. Things that aren't alive. Yeah, that's true. I almost made a horrible racial joke.

But let me think. What's the guy's name from Staten Island? I can't breathe. What else can breathe? Sheets can breathe, you know? This Comforter really breathes. Yeah. Wine can breathe, yeah.

I can't breathe when my mom nags me. Do I tell her? Yeah, Norm can't breathe. That was my segue. Ooh. Sorry. Norm, you know, knew this how good the comic norm was is that like no comics made jokes about his death that's true i saw one and it was pretty great what was it it was uh man who would have thought arty lang would outlive norm mcdonald yeah and i was like that's fucking great we We all thought that. Yeah. That was Ari Maness. Funny guy. Damn.

That is. Well, you know what's crazy is Artie is like. I listen to Artie's tribute to Norm. You know, he did a little special. And it's like the first time I've heard his voice and Artie sounded great. So you're like, fuck, I hope Artie gets better. Yeah. Yeah.

He's still lucid and funny and all that. I just. He looks like hell, but he's still with it which thank god do you think about norm it's crazy that norm would just go on these late night shows unwell like you re-watch some of this stuff and it's like chadwick boseman when you're like oh we had no idea that he was just showing up to do all this work feeling like dude i can't imagine that i know you get a crick neck you're like i'm canceling the wedding. Oh, I thought about that.

Like, if I had cancer and I was on the road, my opener would be like, you better laugh. I have cancer. That would be my opener. Right. Yeah. He was stoic. He totally hit it. He didn't want the glory.

Ah, fuck it. You know, I got cancer. But I've listened to like 900 hours of Norm stuff just to mourn and commemorate. Commemorate. Is that something? Sure, yeah. Yeah, he always did it. Commemorative coins on Fox News, these weird old people gifts. To get the plates, America plates.

The coin is weird. Yeah. It's like, can you imagine being happy? Like, Dad, we got you that George Washington coin you and I own. You're like, you mean a quarter? Yeah. Give me a whore. You got me a quarter?

Yeah. What are we doing here? Yeah. You got me a quarter. The commemorative coins. Speaking of coins, who's that cum guzzler out there on the beach every Saturday with the metal detector? That guy's still around. Yeah.

I was just in Florida. I saw that guy. It's so weird. I know. Get a job, you hobo. Do they ever find good shit? Never. You're better off going to a pawn shop or something.

Yeah. It's crazy. It's a weird hobby right there. It's a weird, sad hobby, but it's like a scratch-off ticket. You never know. Holy shit. The beard Jew comes through with a short-sleeved shirt. Why aren't you in uniform?

So this is a mojito? Yeah. What is the garnish here? Is that basil? Mint. Yeah. Basil. Jeez.

I'm a real idiot. What is that? Carbonara in the drink? Yeah. What is that? Marijuana? Yeah. Wow.

That's a beautiful looking mojito. Mojito. I'm not a big mojito guy. They're a little sweet for me, but you're so good at making drinks, I bet I'll like it. Yes. I took the sweetness off for this one.

Did you? You make a man's cocktail. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's kind of like the last days of summer. We want to commemorate them. Hear, hear. That's why I got the shirt on, too.

I love it. I love it. Yeah, you look good. I like it. By the way, I don't know. Has anyone ever thought about this? The only two groups that like super sweet drinks, women and black people. They're the only two.

Everyone else hates them. Some men like them. You see dudes with Mountain Dew. I don't know. I mean, look, I'm at a lot of comedy clubs, and I got the black table over here. I'm like, that's a lot of blue drinks on a tray. Blue drink with fruit and umbrellas and all that. I'm like, you're the toughest guy in here.

They're keeping that electric lemonade going. Yes, yes, exactly. I will tell you, I remember Mike Yard, who's a really funny comic. Funny comic. And a great dude. Tough guy, too. Oh, yeah. I believe East New York.

And some Jamaica in there. Yeah, like tough dude. And I remember one night he ordered a Bailey's Irish cream on the rocks. And I was like, ooh. Like, I kind of gave him some shit for it. He goes, I could still kick your ass. I was like, yeah. Yeah, you can.

Afterwards, you'll be celebrating with the Bailey's Irish cream. But, yes, you could still kick my ass, Mike, without question. That is a silly argument. It's like, hey, dude, you're wearing a women's underwear. Well, I could beat your ass. But, yeah, you're still wearing women's underwear. That's the point. But, all right. Yeah yeah you're just ribbing your friends yeah let's try this here here mazel oh good clink nice glass these are thick glasses oh my god that's incredible

dude you have got a gift this is fucking magical tell them how to make it there bear so basically it's just uh technically it's 1.5 ounce um white rum we're using Bacardi today but we also have uh Mount Gay Eclipse which is also very nice Mount Gay you want to go for like a silver rum

you don't want to be at the bottom of that mountain that mountain's broke back and then it's just some lime juice and simple syrup You don't want to be at the bottom of that mountain. That mountain's broke back. And then it's just some lime juice, some simple syrup, and shake it up. Muddle the mint in there, shake it up, and top with soda water. Wow. I've had a lot of mojitos in my day, and that one is the tops. Best by a mile.

I'm not a big mojito guy. Not really, no. You knew what we were drinking today, and you were pretty excited for this one. Well, I knew if the beer Jew was cooking it up, it would be something special, and this is special neats. That's why I'm going to drink it slow. Yeah, shouldn't drive. But yeah, yeah, wow, that is great, man.

You make it just right because you're right. There's a lot of people lean on that sweet, what is that, that squeezy thing you put in there. The syrup? Syrup. Simple syrup, yeah. Yes, the syrup. That's basically you're covering up bad ingredients.

I heard they do that at bad sushi restaurants. I hear they say if you're at a bad place, don't order the spicy tuna because they're covering up old tuna with the spicy. That's what I say when I haven't showered. I'm like, it's a little spicy. Sorry there, Mrs. Spicy crabs. Yeah, that's the salmon skin. You know what I hate is the epidemic

with the sushi now, and this wasn't around back when I was banging, is the gooey saucy aioli shit on top they have to put that mayo i think they went too far i feel like we're fat americans so they're like gotta give them more sauce gotta give them more like give me the goods we're just good that you're getting the special uh the special rolls just get the regular uh maybe that's my because i like a special roll yeah i like a special roll all right they're good but you're right they if they go a little if it's too wet you're like what are we doing yes yes she's like the opposite of a woman if it's too

wet we got a problem i don't know i'd rather wet than dry my girlfriend's so wet the other day i had to put her in rice all right that's my that's my updated rodney uh man you know what i go back on that premise i was trying to spin something quickly if you're too wet it's pretty good pretty good i said opposite of a woman there you go that's why i said there you go you got it yeah somebody did a there's so much norm stuff out there that somebody did a norm to rodney late nights oh wow and you could see the idolized idolized rodney and you could see the idolized Rodney. And you could see the influence. Like Rodney would come out banging on the couch, and then they cut to Norm banging on the couch,

and you're like, whoa, I see it. Really cool. It's weird, though. This is a weird criticism of Norm, and I mean this as a compliment. He was so much better on the couch than when he was just such pure stand-up on the show. Yeah.

Because Norm was doing such a high level of comedy that he needed a guy to set him up. Interesting. I think. I mean, he was doing such a high level of comedy that he needed a guy to set him up. Interesting. I think. I mean, he was doing this. Conan called it like a high wire act. Yes. And that's kind of what it felt like.

You need a guy to be like, what are you doing? Right. Like, Conan knew how to be the straight man. Right. Like, what Carson and Dangerfield had, Conan and Norm had. Wow. That's a great call. Even more so, I'd say because carson really just had

to be like just set up rodney yeah nor conan had to kind of be like what are you talking like he had to like really he got had to make it like a buddy comedy exactly he obviously loved norm and wanted norm to keep going but you have to be like you're crazy what are you nuts you know but it's all part of the show that's what people don't get this is all entertainment like people go what's wrong with norm he's doing the thing he's he's being funny well there was the one where he's in character you ever see the 2006 interview john stewart and norm where norm norm is making a joke about the crocodile hunter who has just died and he's like i got myself i had a hard time getting life insurance he goes yeah i'm a crocodile hunter you know and he goes he was made at the 44 the ripe old age of 44 as a crocodile hunter and like and then he gets killed by a little fruity fish that's what he says like they

must have been furious like who killed him frank they're like nah it's a little fish man he was so good at comedy like you know when they say you know all the you have to know the rules to break him yeah he had that down because he had a Weekend Update joke where Johnny Cochran, in the OJ trial, put on a knit cap, and it was showing that it couldn't fit OJ because it was too big on his head. And he goes, or as OJ refers to it, my lucky stabbing hat. That is just so funny. It's like funny concentrated.

The orange juice, the the frozen stuff there's no adding to it there's no water mixed in it's just man that's funny you're so right like he would he would just it's almost like he would just say the thing like it almost wasn't a joke like how we sometimes forget sometimes you see a joke simplified and you're like oh that's the joke right but when when there's fat on it you're like ah he cut out all the joke. Right. But when there's fat on it, you're like, ah, he cut out all the fat. All the fat. You're right. It's funny concentrate. Yeah, yeah.

He had it. Concentration camp. I mean, he's just on another level. And we could do an hour. I just want to say three things. Check out Norm on his Dennis Miller appearances are unbelievable. Spade, yeah. Yeah, that one's great.

He's talking about how Spade loves cock and all that it's great and then he's great on adam carolla's show where they break down kenny rogers songs kenny rogers has some dark songs and they break them down oh and i had another one oh and conan does a tribute to him and it's fucking touching how he's like get norm here we need norm and they're like he doesn't want to come in and he didn't realize he's just dying of cancer but they're like why won't norm come in what in. And he didn't realize he's just dying of cancer. But they're like, why won't Norm come in? What the fuck? And that's what you learn. Like, everybody's going through something.

He's like, does Norm not like me? Is something going on? You know, so Norm, he said Norm was the number one request when Conan started a podcast. Like, by a mile. Like, why haven't you had Norm on? And he just didn't want to leave. I wonder if it would have been as good, though. Because the crowd really

yeah what made norm so good is that he just didn't he knew how to like he worked them in a way where it was like almost like a boxer like oh yeah it was yeah he was he was probably the best panel guest ever probably yeah because it was so damn unpredictable yeah like rodney was great joke great joke but norm was like i don't know what he's gonna say i don't know where he's gonna go yeah it was rodney i mean i'm not taking rodney's a fucking genius oh yeah the greatest one of the greatest but you know damn yeah we got somber again here all right we got a lot to talk about stuff it's a lot to talk about tough loss well one more for norm yes here here my hero i really do see your influence

oh man it's huge huge and like cone had another great point and i'll leave it alone he goes norm got fired for making jokes about a murderer and then then he went on the ESPYs and he made jokes about these athletes who were kind of pieces of shit. And he got scolded for it. And everybody's like in comedy is like, I'm a hero. I'm against racism. I'm against homophobia. He's like, we all agree with that. This guy got in trouble and actually was a hero.

Like he was actually pushing against and got in trouble for it that's a hero well the espy is it wasn't i mean he was making fun of oj again right he's making fun of like he was making fun of uh jerry jones he was he would attack he he had a bullshit meter and he would attack people that he thought were getting away with something yeah yeah yeah exactly so but then he got in trouble he got fired for like one of the great comedy jobs can you imagine getting fired now from snl for making fun of a murderer exactly like oh hey what's the equivalent like robert durst is going to trial you know like you can't you can't make fun of robert durst yeah yeah he's friends with the the head guy

like which you're like well that could be again but yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Now, how spineless. I mean, they were spineless in another direction then. Now they're spineless. They're always living in fear, but usually it's a fear that protects them. Not like, don't fuck with me. Right. Right.

Great point. So true. The fear is still there. It's just changed directions. Yeah. Interesting. All right. All right.

Sorry. We can go down a normal rabbit hole every week for the rest of this you got that right but yeah i'm showing it to the lady who who's bored by everything and she's like howling it's so fun to watch yeah he's a beast beast but you're you're kind of right the panel is really where he he shined shown to shine shine yeah well he uh i had watched another one that was like Nick Swartzen, Sandler. Oh, I saw that one too. Closeted Gay Band. Oh, my God.

So many good, oh, that Closeted Gay thing. What a brilliant twist on that. Yeah, it was great. Mm-mm-mm. Damn. It's also cool. You can, Bill Burr's got a tribute. Conan's got a tribute.

Saget, like all these people, Artie Lang, they all just went deep. I directed him in Dirty Work. That's right, that's right. I always forget tribute Saget Like all these people Artie Lang They all just went deep Saget directed him In Dirty Work That's right That's right I always forget That Saget directed that one So funny

The guy The America's Dad The squeaky cleaniest guy Of all time Is the filthiest guy On the planet You know how tall he is? Six four

You got it Six four That's a tall motherfucker I opened for him once In Vancouver Years years ago Saget Very nice guy Yeah I've heard he's a sweet sweet guy But his act is literally like four six you got it six four i opened for him once in vancouver years years ago sag very nice guy yeah i've heard he's a sweet sweet guy but his act is literally like jizzing my ass fuck a kid

it was like actually i didn't open for him it was like uh a theater gala type thing so he hosted so i went on after him actually and it was all oh man look at that sorry we started taking about talking about sag and all the holy things in here fell apart uh all the wholesome pictures we got we gotta get rid of that one what the hell is that i don't know what that is either yeah tell these fans to start sending in some some knickknacks so we can uh paddyway yeah we got so yeah remember gotham studios if you want to send us a booze if you want to send us you know stuff for the studio uh to send us, you know, stuff for the studio. Yeah, please. Please send it over.

I mean, yeah, it's like a fucking Red Robin in here. You know, we're going to have a trumpet and a bowling pin. A fast food spot. Red Robin. Peter, she did a great job with the studio. I'm just saying. It looks like Rochester in here where you're from. We got to get out of Rochester.

All right, let's get back to Mount Gay. Where were you this weekend? I was in Philly. I was in Millersville, and then Philly had my buddy Shafi hosting the Millersville, Gary Veeder featuring, and then it was a two-person show, me and our boy, two morose Jews for the price of one, brother. We had a great time. It was great. Yeah.

You got little Jew, big Jew. Yeah, it was fun, man. We had a great time. That's great. How about you? Where were you? One of my favorite clubs. I love Philly as a city.

You ever walk around that Rittenhouse? Beautiful. Beautiful. There's like pretty girls and the fountain and it's so lush and all these cool restaurants around there. It's great history. Good times. I remember when I was walking through the, and there's a guy playing music. He's playing Elton John on the guitar.

And we just walk by. And as we walk by, he goes, Sam, how were the shows this weekend? Whoa. That's awesome. That was pretty cool. That's great. The artist stopped to talk to the artist. It was nice.

Yeah. And then you're like, I'm not tipping you. No one has cash anymore. That's become a hard gig. Good point. I guess some of them put a Venmo there. That's true, but who's going to open their phone? That's a whole thing.

Yeah. Yeah, I had the guy. You ever have the guy outside of Chase Bank doing the door open? You're like, all they give you is 20s. I know. What do you want me to do here, Dickless? I got no, I can write you a check. I'm going to call him Dickless, too.

I mean, it's a bad system it's a bad system i mean you might as well be that ice cream guy with the you know like you gotta make you gotta make change here buddy well that's a tough thing if you're if you're homeless now like we're going way digital digital yeah you know so uh that if i was a stripper my name would be Cash App. Put a tattoo. Coming to the stage. Venmo. Yeah. PayPal, everybody. Oh, yeah.

Man, this is a good drink, dude. So good. Once again. And you look fresh. You look non-hungover for the first time in your life. Yeah, you got the hair slicked back. Look at that. I already got a haircut.

Just because I've been working seven days a week so i gotta do something to look not ridiculous yeah women told oh women a woman told me that if a guy has a little bit of shine in his hair they go nuts yeah yeah i think it means that they're together exactly and it goes back to that old school draper thing you know like you gotta you gotta you're a man it's funny women want like theper type, but they don't want the Draper type. Well, they want Don Draper, but they don't want what comes with Don Draper. Right. Yeah, that's true.

It's kind of like craving, you know, a cheesecake is like, but you don't want that after effect. Yeah, I think that's how life is. I mean, look, you want to bang Carmen Electra, but you don't want to you don't want to have you don't want to be sandwiched with her yeah that's true although now i would love to be dennis rodman i think in the 90s i want to be dennis rodman i think now he you put on a wedding dress for a photo shoot i don't think so but that was rod rodman was like he was like fucking with people he was great that's how great robin is he's not even trans and he's like i'm gonna dress with as a woman for the attention it'll be it'll be a thing but that just

raises the question obviously younger people and people in the know and the media have to push boundaries i'm trans now or i'm uh whatever it's got to go the other way because if you go so far this way eventually someone's going to go, I have no tattoos and we're going to go down. You know what I mean? It's got to go. Like someone's going to show up in a business suit and a job and no piercings and be religious.

And we're going to go, this guy's a fucking rock star. Yeah, you're right. Eventually there's going to be like a census thing where someone's like he, she, or they, and they're like,

she, and they're like, Hmm. Yeah. Whoa. A little edgy. Yeah. Interesting. You're going as a woman. where someone's like he she or they and they're like she and they're like hmm yeah whoa a little edgy yeah interesting going as a woman yeah it's got it's all cyclical yeah for sure you're right it is one of those things i used to have a bit about this but it was like how if you're a guy and you and you like get your eyebrows done your friends are like you're a

pussy but if you become a woman they're like you're a hero like how it's like it's you got to go all out you can't you can't give like a little bit yeah it's like if you get a haircut right sometimes like like we're not assholes but if you get a haircut and you go to the comedy cell or someone's like oh someone got a haircut yep they just start tearing you to shreds so true or the worst one they go i see you got a haircut and they don't say if it's good or bad. They just are like, you got a haircut. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I never got? Oh, no. Somebody has a great bit, but I can't think of who has the bit. And I feel bad because I want to give them credit. But some guy had a great bit. He's like, I got broken up with. And then you walk around New York. All you see is men and women making out everywhere.

And you're like, ah, jeez. What the fuck? Get a room. God damn it. Get out of here. And then I is men and women making out everywhere. And you're like, ah, geez, what the fuck? Get a room. God damn it. Get out of here. And then I saw a gay couple making out. I'm like, good for you. That's kind of how it is.

Like with certain groups, you got to be more supportive. It's a funny take. There's so many new couples in New York because it's a city that you just see so much PDA. I know. Also that it's also like a vacation spot destination for people so that's also like we're on vacation we're happy true true you also see the unraveling you also see the unraveling yeah you see both yeah nothing i mean i've seen so many girls crying on the subway platform just like trying to hide it and you're like that was after you talked to him yeah i did

my act but yeah it's uh it's true he i think it was we're just out out of our apartments our apartments are the size of a beer jews dick so you got to get out it's so small and then you know uh i'd say if his dick is uh 500 square feet he's doing all right that's a good point that's a good point yeah but no kitchen his dick's got a kitchenette kitchenette kitchen to the back uh yeah cool you take off your pants my dick's got a walk-in closet that's pretty cool now get back in it um yeah yeah philly though at least no flight what did you drive there we drove it was yeah that's one of those hotels where you're like anytime there's a wedding in the hotel you're like i think i could do a little bit better than this hotel next time

oh yeah it's like i hate when i hate being that guy but i'm like dude they're screaming on my floor at three in the morning i'm like can i can someone they're like it will send up security wow you're the guy now you're the shut these people down guy i think karen alert come on what happened you just let him fucking go wild put on a podcast let the kids be young and and fun by the way they were my age they weren't the wedding they're they're drunk vito is furious too i'm happy i'm with old jew man energy where he was like this is unacceptable i'm like it is unacceptable you know your vito in a carton with a pipe and a leather bound book like oh he was furious he's also he's a dad so he just gets up at 8 30 he just gets up at 8 30 because he gets up at 8 30 sure sure and then he's texting me at like noon

he's like breakfast i'm starving please you can eat without yeah right right but he wants that you want that road lunch you want the hang yeah wait were you i mean it's already over so were you at the sinesta i was yeah that's where i was too not great it's a little cheesy down there it's a little night clubby yeah it's not great not great you know what i don't care for here's a peeve ruth ruth chris's steakhouse what a stupid see how hard it was for me to just say right now get a real fucking name for your steakhouse well i got a I got a little pushback because it's from New Orleans. Okay, well, it's a stupid name still. It is a stupid name, but here's the rub.

Dry rub. But Ruth was this crazy old coos who worked under the thumb of her husband. He opened a steakhouse. They have like five kids. He walks out on the family yeah back in the day when you could do that and there was no facebook trail and he walks out on the family so this poor lady is in the back cooking up steaks alone with her with her children like trying to keep the restaurant alive because they got no other income they're freaking out so she grows it into this giant huge like five star steakhouse all the big big wigs are

eating there and everything and then she makes a chain another chain it's this insane story of like a you know independent woman who got screwed over who makes it big and it was called chris's steakhouse and she's like it's ruth chris motherfucker i got a i got a better idea ruth i know i agree ruth's steakhouse i know but she's got a better idea. Ruth. I know. I agree. Ruth Steakhouse. I know, but she's got a bone to pick with Chris. I get it.

And then he came back like, can I get some royalties? And she's like, blow me. You come stay. And this is mine now. You left me in the kids. Now, the kids hate him. I could be butchering this whole story. But if I made a movie, you know, we got to have a female lead and a female superhero

and all that shit, that would be my movie. That's a badass story. Pretty cool story. That's true, yeah. Back there with one hot plate making steaks for like 10 guys

and the little boys are, you know, they're in little tuxedos trying to keep the place alive. Crazy. Down in New Orleans. Amazing. Blue Queen.

Yeah. Look that up there, Matt, because I could be off. Look, the steaks are good. I just hate the name. Hate the name. And it's attached to the hotel, which doesn't help. Doesn't help.

And there was just like a party like every night. We were just like, come on. Now, did you get sloppy at all? I mean, look, we did three shows on Saturday. Oh, God. So it's like I've gotten good at doing starting with coffee on that first show then transitioning into vodka you're like you need you need to figure that out there is an art to that three show because i did three that night too and you you maybe have a beer on

the first one and the second one you're like hey give me a vodka soda and then by the third one you're like shot shot tequila let's do it and then i did one shot you're like, shot, shot, tequila, let's do it. And then it's over. I did one shot on stage. Nice. The green tea shot, which is whiskey and peach schnapps. Pretty solid shot. Not bad. Not bad. I don't know where you stand on that there, sloppy jalopy.

As far as the taste, it's pretty good. It's surprising that it actually does taste like green tea. It does. I'm a chamomile man. I like to get fucked up. that's like staten island's favorite shot really oh really yeah like i used to work at a like a wedding hall there and that was like all we made as long as it's not fireball fireball had a moment in the sun and i'm glad it's fizzled fireball's a devil i don't like the devil it's cinnamon has no place in alcohol

agreed i'm just not like I like cinnamon. Sure. I think it has its purpose. I like Big Red, man. Yes. I'll fuck with cinnamon. Love Big Red. Dentine Fire. I'm all in.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is good. Best cereal. That's your number one? I mean, you're eating cubes of sugar, but you can't beat it. Give me your top five sugar cereals right now. I like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I like Pops.

Damn, what? Pops. Just those yellow corp pops. Jesus Christ. They're underrated. I like Lucky Charms. Weird ones. All right.

Lucky Charms. Oh, yeah. That's an overrated one, too. I'm eating fruit. I'm eating marshmallows for breakfast. I know, but then just give me all marshmallows. What's with the chicken? Well, that's how life works.

You got to have a little struggle with your reward. You're turning this into a philosophical conversation. You got that right. Yeah. You got to have a little rain, then some sunshine. You can't just go all sunshine. I want a blizzard, baby. Yeah.

A marshmallow blizzard. All right, we got three. What else? By the way, Ted Alexandro's joke, how all the horrible, what do you call those? What are those called? God damn it. Like a hurricane or earthquake. Hurricane mudslide.

Mudslide. Natural disaster. Natural disaster. It's like the menu at TGI Friday is unleashing its wrath on the universe. That's a great joke. Great joke. Love Ted. They're all drinks.

Hurricane, mudslide, and the other one you said. Love Ted. Mm-hmm. So, all right. Yeah,hmm. So, all right. Yeah, okay. So we got three. What else? I'm blanking on a lot of them, but I'll throw Fruit Loops in there.

Love Fruit Loops. Love a Fruit Loops. It's a classic. Classic. Golden Grahams? Cracklin' Oat Bran. Ugh. That's my number one, baby.

What? That's grandpa food. It's good grandpa food. Oat? Oat Graham? What? Cracklin' Oat Bran. Matt food. Oat, oat, gram? What? Cracklin' Oat Bran. Matt, am I crazy? You guys not do this?

Anything with bran, I'm out. Oh, it's sugary, though. It's really good. Oh, okay, okay. Cracklin' Oat Bran's my fuck. That's a game changer right there. I've never even heard of Cracklin' Oat Bran. We're having it on one of these episodes. This is delightful. Jeez, that sounds like soul food. When I was growing up, there was Cracklins.

What you're supposed to do with the Cracklin' OatBrien is you take the spoon and you light a flame underneath it. But no, I like that. I think Life is underrated. Life is okay. It's okay. It's not in the top five, but I want to give it an honorable mention. All right, I'll give it a mensch. I don't like the name Life.

I think it's too dark. Life sucks. You should try their other cereal, Hospice. It's terrible. Yeah, right? Life support. What else? Oh, Cap'n Crunch is killer.

It is good. I'll tell you- It does fuck up the top of your mouth. It does get a little chunky up there, but Cap'n Crunch peanut butter, woo! And if we're really going full black tar, Reese's Pieces came out with a cereal, and it was bananas. Peanut butter puffs. Peanut butter puffs, best cereal on the planet. That's my number one.

I'm changing it. Damn. All right. I'm thinking what else. Frosted Mini-Wheats? How do you feel about that? I love Frosted Mini-Wheats. I like how they get a little gooey at the end.

Me too. I do enjoy that. I'm 100% with you. I just saw a guy there's a guy on tiktok i forgot his name he's a black guy with an amazing voice and he just ranks food john legend um he ranks food and he's they're funny as hell and he does cereal and he shits on uh frosted mini wheats and i i gotta go against him on that one i love oh really if you know that guy's name put it in the comments because he's so funny.

He's on TikTok. He's got a huge following. He just ranks food. Oh, okay. Well, you know what ain't bad either? Oh, there they are. There's the Reese's. It's Smacks.

Also, first of all, they look like. Now we're talking drugs here. Well, I know. They look like little twats. They look like little vaginas, but they're also. I like to rub one against my nose. I like to rub them against my dick. But yeah, they look like tiny

clams, and they taste pretty good, but yeah. That guy looks like a dealer, though. Look at him. He does. He's got the hat. He's just like, quick, pay me quick. Sugar smack. Pay me quick. Oh, we pay... You you know we forgot i'm sure we'll get shit for forgetting uh count chocolate it's pretty oh yeah that's old school boy good

good call is there anything else we forgot i don't i didn't like the cookie honey bunches of oats is great but that's not like the sugar is thing but it's got sugar in it but they they play the whole we're a health food but it's not healthy it's the same deal as life yes like yeah life is better than that i in terms of like i think it's healthier but no you know what they do it's like the kind bar shit where it's like covering caramel yeah they're like this is a hell i'm like it's a fucking snickers dude it's a snickers with a cool wrapper that's it and it's called kind kind wait a minute what is that one that's got a funny name is it honey bunches of oats there's one where that's got a funny name? Is it Honey Bunches of Oats? There's one where it's got a funny name and they say it in the commercial and everybody

goes, ah. It's like a joke. Oh, God damn it. It's a funny name cereal. How do you feel on Wheaties? Wheaties stinks. It's all right. It's just cardboard with milk.

I guess cardboard's okay. I don't mind it. I remember when getting on a Wheaties box was a big deal if you're an athlete. Like, he got a Wheaties box. Of course, of course. Bruce Jenner. But I don't think, if you put fruit and sugar in a cereal, it's already out. I don't like when people put the, like, Honey Nut Cheerios is good on its own.

Yeah, it's overrated. Frosted Flakes is overrated, too. Frosted Flakes sucks. That's just sugar and cardboard. Yeah, yeah yeah there you go cardboard i need sugar on cardboard kick sucks too fuck you kicks kicks rocks kicks yeah kix too they thought they'd been really hip yeah yeah it was okay it wasn't horrible but it was you know you were never excited right cheerios is solid i mean you gotta put all you gotta put a strawberry in it or it's boring that's that to me that means you suck you know what's interesting it's like apple jacks apple jacks was something a little too appley for me it was one with a funny name it's gonna kill me

all right honeycomb no no no sucked it's weird when uh it's you know what's fun about the cereals though is like you see they try to do the different brands and stuff. Yeah. But it's like cocktails. The classics survive. Yes. You know, like Negroni, Manhattan, right? But then French Toast Crunch.

Who fucks with that? I tried it. I had a bender on that. I'm not going to lie to you. Is it good? It's pretty good. I went to Vegas and blacked out and had it. But it's okay. It's probably the most innocent vegas blackout

story ever i woke up with milk all over me an empty bowl empty spoon but yeah yeah dead hooker but yeah it wasn't oh tricks suck cocoa pebbles is solid only because you get that chocolate milk at the end yeah that chocolate milk was a bonus for sure yeah tricks tricks wasn't bad silly rabbit tricks are for kids why i that was the worst worst marketing of all time yeah what'd you say the best milk was from the rhesus oh yeah great you had peanut butter milk it's why did they ever make they made like strawberry chocolate milk they made you know obviously chocolate they made vanilla what's the peanut butter chocolate? You're very right. Nesquik, listen up.

That's gold. Peanut butter milk? I just had a shake the other day. I'm a big milkshake queef, and I had a peanut butter milkshake, and it was dynamite. Is that your go-to? Well, I like chocolate peanut butter mix, but they don't always have it. Sometimes you get a little banana in there.

It's kind of nice. Peanut butter and banana is nice. I get that in my smoothie, which is basically a milkshake. Should we make peanut butter boozy milkshakes? Oh, don't tease me. Now it's two vices. Now you're hitting sugar and alcohol. There's nothing like a blender in a podcast studio.

Yeah, right? This is dangerous. I'll try it. Don't you just want to get to theater level comedy where we just don't hear a mixer in the back? Oh, yeah. That's all I want. A blender. Those are the best when you're doing a small show.

You're coming up, 12 people in the crowd. You hear, I'm like, fuck. I would kill to hear a laugh over that. Story of my life. How about this one? You're doing a good set. You're rolling.

You hear, ping. Like, oh, some motherfucker got an email. I hate that. There's always something. Or just the phone ringing. The phone. And then no one knows who it is. Everybody's doing this shit.

Oh, God, sorry. What are we, in Boca Raton? I thought I was in a fucking real city here. Come on. Yeah, yeah. I had a weird one this weekend. I was in West Palm Beach. Oh, jeez.

That club's pretty it's pretty nice though it's beautiful club but here's the here's the clinker they're short staffed every club so every show is starting like an hour late i'm like what are we doing here they're like we got eight servers it's five uh 500 seater i'm like oh yeah so the 430 started at 5 30 yeah oh yeah a lot of a lot of geriatrics you got a hip crowd there, though. No, they were cool. And that little shopping center is pretty cool. Yeah, and I hate to shit on Florida. I love Florida, yada, yada.

But you got to be tight and you got to be bold in there. If you got any kind of smart, subtle shit, that's out. You got to just bang them over the head with something. Which is, it's horrible, and it head with something which is it's it's horrible but and it's an exercise and it's a lot of work but it's good to like see where your act is at um banger wise you know you're like that's a banger that's a banger that ain't i thought that was that ain't one so it's interesting for that like leno used to say he would follow prior at the store back in the day and he said

i thought i had an hour i had 20 wow because you couldn't fuck around after prior because they just saw him interesting yeah sometimes though i guess it depends because we've all followed like rock or chapelle sure seller and uh sometimes they just see the famous person and they're like vacation is made and they're like all right we'll give this other guy yeah yeah some energy because we're in a good mood now yes yes that's true phil hanley still has the greatest line what is it i mean i'm building it up but uh it was like this is five years ago it was louis rock and maybe chapelle it was like some gigantic crazy list and phil goes up after which is always terrifying as a young non-famous comedian and he goes uh the big four i think he said something like another one i know oh yeah

something like that yeah it's perfect but yeah yeah phil's always great for his killer zinger zing yeah so how was west palm it was good i to tell you, like, that's what's so cool about the United States of America is I did a private gig in Nashville, flew to Nashville the day of, did a great gig for a movie festival. They hired me, private gig, whatever, corporate, whatever you want to call it. Went out with the whole team, got drunk, fell asleep, woke up, took two flights connecting connecting got all the way to west palm and you're just in sunshine i'm in a hotel i'm overlooking the beach the atlantic ocean pacific atlantic atlantic yeah yeah atlantic and just like oh my god it's the coolest thing about comedy it's just like those curtains open you're like wow this beautiful city it's like ferrari and maserati's going by and those cool roofs with

the the the orange uh what do you call those shiel shillings shingles you know those orange that's spanish style i think they're called shingles i know that's also a disease i don't know anything about cars so it could be anything no no no i'm talking about the the houses oh the houses you know that spanish style houses with like the uh the give me give me a it's like a white kind of that's it that's it that one right there those shingles like all the houses look like that it was just beautiful and you're just like wow i'm in a whole nother world not to mention it's fucking florida which is the you know the bath salt of states and uh they're all just fucking wild and everybody's having a great time and there's iguanas everywhere and cubans and jews and old people great time did

you see this guy on uh on tiktok who's just knocking on really expensive homes and he's like ah you know i just was admiring your home how do you make your money oh i had that exact idea did he really do that oh that was like an idea i had but i never did it so good for him what how does that go that's great well people are like you know i uh i did we all stayed yeah they they they just tell him but it's like it's kind of ballsy i know i had that exact idea to just go up to you and go how did you make your money like if they have a nice car and this guy did it there's a guy who does that with cars as well. Ah, damn it. I feel like they're scripted, though, because they're always like, you're that guy from TikTok, right?

I'm like, how do you know him? I know he has a lot of views, but how do you know him? Interesting. I saw it in, like, a news story. I didn't see it on TikTok. I just saw it, like, an hour ago. Even bigger. Made it to the news.

Yeah, you know, although not even bigger. He's getting way more views on TikTok. That's a good point. But, yeah, oh, by the way way i was in philly all weekend there's a guy there's people wearing the comedy t-shirt that you sell all right comedy i'm gonna start my own i'm gonna i'm gonna go after a joke i'm gonna go humor i'm gonna start my own thing humor that's great no one's taking humor that's great although anytime somebody refers to themselves as humorous you're like you're the opposite of funny. I know.

You wrote a cartoon for the New Yorker in 1993. You're a humorist. Yeah, humorist. That is the opposite of, that's like saying, is that lady pretty? She's interesting. Yeah, humorist is like, it's like pretentious but not funny yeah yeah hold on let me get that last queef out of there sip it up buddy i'm on a little muscle relaxer action so i'm gonna try to stick to one oh yeah yeah humor i like that what uh give me a peeve well we were talking earlier

i got a couple peeves if we really want to sink our teeth in. But we were talking earlier, like, obviously, Norm passing, all this shit with the goat, the goat. I'll post a photo. You're the goat. You're the goat. There's no goat. Enough with the goat. You're killing that term.

I mean, it's like we gave gold medals out to 18 different people. You know, it's a gold medal. It's one guy gets it or one gal. Enough with the goat. Yeah, it's like you're killing that term like it's a goat in Mexico. Yeah. Stop killing it. I'm with you.

It's like goat for everyone. It's like goat is greatest of all time. You don't use that for everything. It becomes watered down. Completely. And I think that's kind of just how things are going. We have to reach for the – Louis had that bit where he's like, he's a genius. No, no.

Genius is this insane level of intelligence that's very rare. And you're like, you brought a cup to the barbecue. You're a genius. Or that's hilarious, you know? And he's like, no, it's not hilarious. You fucked the guy's wife. It's funny, but it's humorous.

It's like Tom Brady. Everyone's like, he's the GOAT. And you're like, yeah, he's the GOAT, but you can't use that on other quarterbacks now. He's the GOAT. Everyone's like, he's the GOAT. And you're like, yeah, he's the GOAT. But you can't use that on other quarterbacks now. He's the GOAT. It's over. Exactly. I'm with you.

I'm over GOAT. GOAT. Enough with the GOAT. How about PGOT? Pretty good all time. Pretty good all time. PGOT. P-G-A-T. I know, but pretty good all time? Yeah, and all time know but pretty good all time yeah and all time pretty good

oh okay okay okay yeah something like that or like you know every now and then he's desolid e-n-t-s n-e-n-t-h-s all right yeah something like that yeah i like that people just became obsessed with i walked by a bar in Philly called Goat. Everything's fucking goat now. It's funny because the goat is getting no love. It's just that term. Goats are still like, I'm getting fucked. I'm out here trying to, farmers are fucking me in the ass.

I'm just trying to eat some grass. Sometimes I'm eating a burger. I'm like, this cow is the goat. Yeah, it's all very confusing. Goat cheese isn't bad it's all right it's all right it's overrated it's overrated like if you get an omelet and they're like it's spinach and goat cheese you really want cheddar in there you really do yeah yeah get out of here with the goat cheese that's another another overrated that could be a segment

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You ever have the guy, and I'll try to act it out. You ever have the guy do this? Do you mind if I have a sip of this? he already took it he already took it the guy who does the thing and then asked if it's all right i'm guessing this happened in nashville or florida florida i feel like people aren't doing this shit in new york maybe not you know the guy who's like getting like a glass out of your cupboard he's like do you mind if i use a glass you're like we already took it out dickless like you gotta ask before you take it out dickless is like your new insult oh sorry i like it i'm trying to clean it up dickless is good yeah dude i'm with you i don't like people grabbing your shit i feel like it's slowed down a little just with covid like

people not as bad but like yeah no i'm fucking that annoys me i hate when they're doing it and they're in the act of it and they ask if it's all right somebody'll throw a blanket over their shoulder like can i use your blanket you're like you're already you already took it well this one's about your girlfriend yeah use that blanket that doesn't make it right well i you know yeah i don't like it because you know i don't like it because it's it's just who that person is. So they're like the type that would just take a sip of your thing without asking.

Then they're doing a ton of other inconsiderate. Yes. Yes. And then they cover their ass by going, is this OK? Like to be polite. But I don't like a politeness if it's just a it's just like a filler. You don't mean it. You were polite after the thing.

It's not polite. It's not polite it's not polite you just forgot yeah it's literally like cutting someone off in traffic and being like oh do you mind hey do you mind that's exactly what it is we had a drunk driver on the road driving back last night and it was like fucking scary he was like swore oh yeah that's thank god i was with gary veder who's like 10 and 2. Nervous Jew behind the wheel. Yeah. He's like, I'm going to stay behind him. I felt we were like in French connection for a second. This is crazy.

I've been on a few rides with Veeder and he gets angry. He's got road rage. He's got the baby seat in the back and he's like, I'm going to follow this guy. You're like, fuck this guy. Forget about it. He swerves in front, goes to his window, pulled the guy out, starts fucking wailing on him. Oh, I got a Veeder story. Tell me if I've told this because it's a doozy. I love Veeder.

One time me and him did a gig in, like, I don't know, Midtown, and we had to do another. We were both on a show at Eastville on 4th Street. So we're going Midtown to downtown. We get in this Uber. I mean, we get in a cab, a yellow cab. This is seven, eight years ago. The cab was, like, $22.

Veeder is doing the credit card, bo boop boop boop accidentally tried to tip the guy 10 bucks tipped him 100 bucks yeah have i told you this no but that's i just it's happened and so the cab he's like he's like oh shit can you reset it i accidentally gave you a hundred dollars on like a 18 ride and the guy was like i don't know how to do i did that and the guy and veter was like, I don't know how to do that. And the guy, and Vitor was like, well, I'm not giving you a hundred dollars as a tip. And he's like,

I don't, that's how, that's the machine. And he was clearly full of shit. And he just wanted that money. But Vitor's like, okay, well,

I'm going to sit in this cab until you reset it or give me my money. And I'm like, dude, I'm on in like two minutes. We're already at the club. And he's like, you can go in. And I'm like, ah, I don like two minutes we're already at the club and he's like you can go in and i'm like ah i don't want to leave my friend here but uh so i went in did the set came back

and sat back in the cab with v and they're just sitting in there like this like a mexican standoff wow or a sit-off and eventually the guy was like he's losing all these fares because he could have been on driving it's been like you know 45 minutes now so eventually the guy was like all right all right and he reset it wow i was like man veder what a badass and that is the origin of israel and palestine yes oh thank you oh perfect baby love it all right um yeah dude god damn if you go props to veder All right. It still tastes good, but it's not alcohol. Yeah, dude. Goddamn. Props to Vitor. Vitor, I mean, he's four foot one.

He's bald. He's got glasses. But that guy will take a stand. He's in good shape, too. He's kind of short. Great shape. He's kind of ripped. When I met Vitor, he was a boozy pothead.

And now he's like a dad in great shape. And just, he's got like an SUV. He's got a house in Jersey. He's really come together. I love his joke about how his wife caught him checking out another woman. She goes, I don't care, Gary. Just don't be so obvious about it. So now I sit in the bushes with binoculars. We don't care if I come flush.

Great joke. He's got some of the best classic one-liners how many guys or gals are doing hardcore one-liner setup punch big laugh jokes it's pretty rare it's rare he's old school it's like an old school comedy style look up veder las vegas yes wherever you get your comedy albums uh great album itunes uh whatever check it out he's great banger after banger, I opened for that album. We had a wild week in Vegas. But yeah, killer, killer album. Liz produced it.

Damn. Yeah. So good. Shout out to Liz, comedy seller. She's been getting a lot of love from my doc. Full capacity. You know, the New York Times guy, Jason Zinneman, wrote, Liz steals the whole thing. Amazing.

That's great. That's great. That's great. Made me smile. I sent it to her. Yeah, love it. I'm getting messages about the movie, so I can't imagine what you're getting. People are liking it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Full capacity on YouTube, baby. Shout out to Salacuse, Eric Scott, Marlon Craft for the music. Your buddy, the drum guy, too, has been killing it. Oh, is he in it? He does the drum sound incredible good for him that guy's great he loves comedy he's great and who else i mean i just want to leave anyone out here but full capacity on youtube it's already over 100k and it's just

gonna keep on rising it's a great time capsule for uh you know new york city in this weird kooky time harman ryan devere uh jason cash did some additional editing as well uh shout out to everyone for yeah for that josh harman uh you gotta you gotta peeve did we do a peeve i gotta peeve it's when people just tell you that they're tired guess what we're all tired it's new york you're either tired from work you're tired from the energy you're tired because you have kids. Or you just got laid off. You're unemployed.

You're tired because you're looking for work. You're homeless. You're tired because you're homeless. We're all fucking tired. Totally. I'm 100%. That's like a go-to excuse. Get out of here.

Push through. I want to meet the guy who's like, I'm tired, but I don't care. I still got shit to do. We're all tired. Get out of here push through i want to meet the guy who's like i'm tired but i i don't care well i still got shit to do we're all tired get out of here how often do you meet a guy in new york who's like full of energy never i never meet that guy that's a great point if you have any it's zapped you of it you you're done yeah yeah we're all tired nobody cares you telling me you're tired doesn't help the situation at all so what's the point yeah i get it it sucks we've all been tired but you're here so you got to do the job i'm sorry yeah tired good good one we're always tired that's such a i and i i this is a pet peeve now we're now we're getting into a

a butthole here that's my new term for a rabbit hole because i don't even know what a rabbit hole is so i'm saying a butthole. It's a hole for rabbits. I don't know any rabbits. I don't know any rabbit holes, but I know buttholes. All right. All right. So, I was gotten in this big butthole with somebody, and I forgot my point, because I'm all excited about buttholes. I think you can go deeper in a rabbit hole than a butthole.

I think that's where it's coming from. You don't know my friends. Either way, I don't want any hair. All right, get it, hair? Okay. Fuck, what was my point? Butthole, rabbit hole. What did you say?

Oh, that I'm tired. Tired. But you had to say, nobody says we're full of energy. Oh, I got it back. So we're, i don't know what are you 35 yeah yeah all right 35 mid 30s i'm 38 all these guys who go and gals who go uh well i'll tell you nowadays uh you know i go home at eight and i uh watch tv i put on pajamas and i take it easy like they're bragging about how boring their life is that's a big thing now like i'm not even talking about covid pre-covid oh yeah

you know me and the lady we call it a night at 7 30 now we're sitting in bed reading i don't even want to go out it's like shut up you dork get Get out there. Come on, live. We're young. We're still young. We're youthful. 40 is the new 10. Yeah, no, I'm with you. People that are like really proud. They're so proud.

I napped four hours today. How cool am I? Like, you're a fucking loser. You nap four hours? Get out of here. I can't nap. I can't nap either. I don't nap.

I coffee up too much to nap. Yeah, yeah. And I just lay there like, childhood thoughts. This guy hates me. I can't nap. I panic about a lot. Oh, yeah. We're both neurotic, just thinking, stewing. To me, a nap is a nightmare.

It's not like I can just, these people just fall asleep. I'm so jealous of those people. You ever on a flight and the person next to you just like conks out and you're like, must be nice. Must be nice. Then you wake up, the plane lands. You're like, oh, four hour nap in. Plane's done. I never had to worry about the flight at all.

I mean, Jesus, you guys don't know what you have. Oh, when the plane hits terrible turbulence and the guy next to you is asleep and you're like, oh, you motherfucker. You just missed the whole event. Isn't that crazy? We're contemplating death. This could be it. Here it gets going down. And then some motherfucker slept through the Sully flight.

I guarantee you. How about that guy? He's got dreams, just dreaming about rabbits going down a hole. Yeah. Peaceful. He wakes up on the Hudson Bay like, what happened? What'd I miss? Oh, great.

We're on an inner tube. What a life. Yeah. Think of any wrecks this week? My wrecks are getting weirder because I want to branch out a little bit. Here's a life hack that someone taught me that I've never forgotten, and it's great. We go to a lot of hotels. I don't know how relatable this will be.

We're in a hotel every weekend. Every weekend you're in a hotel, there's an extra roll of toilet paper under the sink in the bathroom at the hotel. Take that extra roll because you're not going to use a whole roll. Wait, wait, wait. Your record's to steal?

Yes. I'm not stealing a towel. I'm not stealing a TV. Take that stealing a tv take that extra roll just sitting there the maid doesn't notice she just goes oh we need a new roll in here next week mark is gonna go just go into a bank wear a ski mask just say give me your money they're not using the money well you take the roll you just put it in your bag you you put it in your suitcase, you don't even think about it. Now you're at home. You get back home on Sunday or Monday and you're like, man, we're low on toilet paper. Thank God.

Now you never have to buy another roll of toilet paper again because you've stolen one way weekly. I mean, if it works for you. I've done it for 10 years. It's never failed me. Mark, I think you're addicted to stealing wow this is pretty light if we're talking stealing why it's not getting the chair for this yeah i should maybe i'll do it i'm just saying it's practical they got the extra role it's like taking the soap you wouldn't call that stealing would you add soap though it's not great

soap but i use it i thought we're all using the soap i mean i use it in the hotel but it's not great soap, but I use it. I thought we were all using the soap. I mean, I use it in the hotel, but it's not like... I bring it back. I'm not going full Gilbert Gottfried or Howard Hughes here. I'm just saying there's an extra roll of Charmin. Throw it in the bag. Don't even think about it. Just pick it up.

I don't think it's Charmin. I think that's shitty toilet paper, too. Well, if you're in a decent hotel, they're not going to give you the sandpaper. The Scott toilet paper is terrible. It's not great. It's not great. It's fucking... You got to give you the sandpaper. The Scott toilet paper is terrible. It's not great. It's not great. It's just fucking, you got to flip it over five times. What is this?

Well, what are you, what are you, shitting blood here? I don't know. No, but I just, you know, I want to make sure my finger's not making contact with my rabbit hole, so to speak. That's a good point. That's a good point. It's a real briar patch down there. But we got to get a bidet. That's what we're really saying here.

Bidets seem more attached. I know. Everybody's got a bidet but us. Bidet people, send us something, will you? When are you going to pull the trigger? Well, I'll eventually kill myself. But no. I was talking about your high school reunion.

No, I think you may want to hit my first mill If I hit my first million, I'll get a bidet How about that? Let's make a pact Alright, we both hit a mill I'm gonna go to your house one day on Thanksgiving I'm gonna see you had a bidet And I'm gonna go, he made it

You can get one at $7.50, I think They're not expensive, dude It's gotta be a grand With all the money you're fine. They're not expensive, dude. It's got to be a grand. With all the money you're saving on toilet paper, that should be the fund. That's not bad. That's not bad. Give me a bidet price. I'm talking a decent bidet.

Don't give me none of that fucking- A good one. Not one of those $400 ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm talking a real, nothing from Afghanistan or anything. I can't imagine their bidet-ing, by the way. It's a different setting for women yeah it just stabs them what um okay so that's my that's my rec take the toilet paper at every

hotel but it's not relatable because not everyone's in a hotel every weekend i think for most people a hotel is a big deal yeah i'm not a big uh i mean some of these hotels i gotta get a buyout at this point man do you feel that way too some of them yeah really i've done it once or twice i'm not a high maintenance guy but uh me neither but some of them are just crappy and you just are like well i'm here this is quality of life i'm on the road totally and then some hotels are like 30 minutes away from the club and you're like what are you doing here yeah what yeah that's insane that's insane it's like my half my day is getting to the club then you you're like, what are you doing here? Yeah, that's insane. That's insane. It's like half my day is getting to the club,

then you have a few drinks, you gotta get all the way back, and that's Ubers, and it sucks. Oh, wow. See, these are not, I'm talking about the thing you can strap to the toilet. This is like a fucking. Yeah, we want to strap them.

Mark's trying to get pegged after a shit. Yeah, I want to get water pegged. Water pegged, that's a great name for a bidet. Yeah, water pegged. You get the fre That's a great name for a bidet. Yeah, water pegged. You get the freaks on board. You ever do a water pick? What's a water pick? It's basically like a little machine that shoots water.

I don't think it's as good as flossing, though. They say it's better for you. I don't know if that's true. I don't know. I did a water pick for a while, and it really gets some chunks of poo out of there. Yeah? All that ass eating. I had a couple of corns while, and it really gets some chunks of poo out of there. Yeah? All that ass eating. I had a couple of corns and peanuts between the molars.

All right. This episode, we've jumped the shark a while ago on this one. How about, okay, I got a rec for you. How much is that? $42? Yeah, but that can't be a good, you need a good one. That is a steal. No, the toilet paper's a steal. Yeah, but that can't be a good... You need a good one. That is a steal. No, the toilet paper is a steal.

Yeah, Charmin. Is this... 42 bucks can't be legit. That is low. You got one? I know someone who has one. It's a heated one, too. I don't need all that.

Heat is nice, dude. In the winter... Once you felt it, once you sat on a warm like internally warm toilet seat you won't forget it all right you won't go back dude yeah it makes like stealing toilet paper you're like this is what do you so you think the the heat the heat you recommend the heated bidet and how was the bidet did you feel clean afterwards yeah it's nice the only thing is that who i think it was like tom segura or somebody who was talking about he's like a he's like a no wiper they were talking

about a burt and tom were talking about how they both have a days they've gotten addicted to them yeah and but tom is a no wiper so like wow so like in italy like they don't even have toilet paper rolls they just have the bidet next to the toilet yeah and then you just i don't know you get up and you just walk away with like a wet ass i don't understand yeah i don't know how that works so i still like i'll still like dry myself off you know yeah i mean my asshole is it looks like sam's eyebrows it's just covered in hair it's like a shag carpet down there he has to tweeze the middle of his asshole just to make sure it doesn't get any blockage going on. Exactly, yeah. You need a bidet with laser technology

to clean that area. Yes, yes. The non-wiping is a little ridiculous. I've never done the bidet. I've never either. You wet the butt and then you do one wipe. So you still need some toilet paper. So there is a good amount

of pressure to it. It'll power wash you out. And then also they have circulating ones, which do a whole little hurricane in your butthole. But aren't you a drippy mess after that? That's what I'm saying. I like to just dry myself off. Yeah, give me a dry.

Do they have one that has a sound? Actually, there are other ones that have hot air that blows. Ah, you see? Now I'm in here for 20 minutes. All right, what are you saying? Oh, no. I was just saying they should make one that has a voice with it as it's going up your ass and says that you've been a very bad boy.

Yeah, I don't want the air fryer too thing. Or the dryer. Yeah, what are you doing? You do that shit under there? I don't want that on my ass either so much stuff to look into as an adult it is better for the environment using less paper paper paper paper all day i mean years of toilet paper you've used yeah so years so many thousands of trees have gone just for our ass i know no. No, see, that one's a grand.

But that's a toilet. I'm talking about the attachment. No, it's an integrated toilet with attachment. Uh-huh. That's the whole thing. Yeah, I don't want the whole thing. I already got a toilet. I live in New York.

My toilet's 900 years old. It's from the 18-whatever, you know, Tammany Hall shit on that thing. You ever read those articles about how rats will run up through your toilet oh that's rough right i remember during the uh flood in new york you've never seen those if you're on like a low floor it could happen it's so frightening you'll never not if you're richard gear that's what i've heard he's like you're finally home it will it will they will run out of your there are articles about this in the post and it's like i'll tell you during the flood in new york i heard like bubbling from my uh toilet and my girlfriend goes what was that and i was like nothing i swear to god the rat was my first thought i was like a rat just came up my toilet. I'm going to have to explain this one.

Terrifying. Apparently Chuck Berry, RIP, he got in trouble for putting a camera in a women's toilet. Oh, wow. To look up. Which is like, dude, I get it. We all like naked ladies, but this is the view you want? You want the shitting and the perioding and the pissing like what are you crazy well i don't understand it was like a hidden camera thing

hidden camera and he got busted tv show or no no that's a hell of a pitch that does not fly on abc he's like he's like guys i've got a sales pitch for you yeah that's the worst impractical jokers episode yet but no he would just he had his own nightclub because he was a you know rich celebrity and he put a camera in the women's bathroom oh my god and he got busted for it but great he went to jail i think for that but well it's just a weird that's what you want to see like a dressing room okay there are women taking their shirts off not the right takeaway mark well i'm just i'm not i'm not understanding on women in the shower but not in the toilet i'm not approving i'm just saying i understand it but the toilet one you're like i don't even understand where

your head's at maybe i mean some guys are into shitting stuff odell beckham whatever his name is yeah i don't i mean just that's crazy there's like a law and order svu about that and you're like this is what you're i mean that's like that's like a dark, dark fetish, right? Oh, isn't that the German shyster films or whatever they call it, where they shit on the chest? And it's a genre. It's not at Blockbuster. Genre's a grandiose term for the shitting.

What's your favorite genre? Do you like foreign films? I like pooping on the chest. That's kind of my thing. I mean, it's technically adventure. It's a foreign adventure, but yeah. That's a Kyle Kinane joke. He's like, what were you watching?

I was like, oh, I was catching up on some cinema. It was a foreign film, Russian teens, you know? Yeah, exactly. Che had that great joke. He's like, I like to watch action films, porno. I call them action films. I'm butchering it, but yeah, exactly. Che had that great joke. He's like, I like to watch action films, porno. I call them action films. I'm butchering it, but yeah, yeah. There's shit movies out there.

That's all I'm saying. Should we do bits? Yeah, yeah. What's a bit you're working on? All right, I got one that, now these, by the way, i just got to give you a uh honorable mention your tag you gave me or whatever your premise or or hell the butthole thing the butthole thing is like killing and i i'm bittersweet because i'm like thank you to my friend for giving me this great twist on the bit and also damn i wish you wish i had thought of it you know that feeling sure yeah yeah so it just it just lights out it's like a new banger in the bit in

the act love love having a new bit that's oh you know i look at my act like trail mix and you got a m&m in there oh yeah so um here's one i got a lot of raisins in my new ass yeah i got a few cashews um so now this is a joke i thought of two days ago while in the shower and i don't know if it's anything i've never tried it on stage never never said this out loud so this is raw yeah we got a new uh football player openly gay yeah whatever his name is quarterback i think white guy. Whatever his name is. Quarterback, I think. White guy. I forgot his name. What is it? We need the name. But he's openly gay, which is, I think, the first NFL openly gay.

Michael Sam was openly gay. I think he had a- Was he NFL? He was on the Rams for a minute, I think. Ooh, bad choice of names there. The Ram. But, all right. So, whatever the guy's name carl nasib uh so michael sam came out as

gay before he was in the nfl i think that was i think that was it yeah yeah yeah um cool all right so now i'm trying to think of some other gay football names but i can't think of any uh i got nothing all right so the gay football player he's openly gay, which to me is great and good for him and all that. But it's impressive to me that he hid it for so long because he was a gay player for all these years and he had to tell everybody and come out. everybody and come out but i'm not even gay and i've played football and got called gay the whole time you know i've been called uh every gay word in the book when i have my horrible throw so like this guy is gay actually gay and hit it well you want to stand at the radar uh with your sexuality and football just be really good at it yes yes i'm gonna call yes no there's no homophobia when you're fucking throwing touchdowns right right exactly yeah yeah the proof is in the uh the anal but like it's fascinating that he's so good at football that no one even thought he was gay i'm so bad at football everyone thought i was

gay and i'm not he is gay so and then and then also the fun idea of this statistically, what is it, one in every ten men is gay, like your old joke? Something. Or one in every eight, whatever it is. So that means we've had a ton of gay players over the years who just never came out. For sure. And also, I mean, some come out after retirement.

It must be tough to have that kind of scrutiny when you're playing. I bet it's uh also another angle of the bit is gay is one of the few groups like oppressed groups that can be hidden jew can kind of be hidden gay can be hidden very well people gay jew very hidden very hidden yeah that's a way in the closet. But gay, you can hide. No one's ever like, no one ever said in the 50s during segregation, like, I was black the whole time. You know what I mean? Like, you can't hide black. You can't hide, you know, Hispanic or Asian.

You can hide gay. So that's something interesting there. Like, you can't, no one on the team was like, I had no idea that guy was Asian. You can hide gay. So there's something interesting there. Like you can't, no one on the team was like, I had no idea that guy was Asian. One of the only groups people are bigoted towards with a big reveal. Big reveal.

Gender reveal. Yeah, no, that's true. Yeah. And it doesn't change anything. Like they're like, oh, he's a gay player, whatever. Who cares? As long as he's making touchdowns,

who cares? But no one in like in the 40 40s in the school segregation was like, ah, I tricked you. I was black and I graduated. I was black. Ah, you know? There could be something there. Yeah, they're like, get him.

They're like, shit, he is fast. That's crazy. Right, right. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. It's a fun idea. I'll noodle with it but not like how you can

hide it there's something interesting about how it's like it's the only group that you can kind of hide yeah and then i there's so many jokes about football being super gay like they're in the shower they're doing a huddle they're hot hot i'm like that's all been touched all been done been done and i don't want to i don't want to get into that world but i feel like there's something with you can hide it and i've been called gay and i'm not even gay and this guy is gay and he hasn't been called gay he had to come out that's how good at football he is i'm so bad at football i'm like no no i'm i'm straight i have to prove to them i'm straight. You're fucking a woman. They're like, we still don't believe you. Yeah, we've seen your throat, your spiral.

So that's my idea. There's something there. There's something there. I'll play with it. Email me if you have any ideas. By the way, our fans are funny. I've gotten a few tags out of some people. Oh, yeah.

Remember to email us at wemightbedrunkpod at gmail.com to uh join the patreon which is growing patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod yes um let me tell you i'm working on a couple i don't know if i've run this on you back in the day but i can't quite crack it part of it's hitting hit me baby i have a whole thing about canceled versus cancer and it's kind of like canceled versus like canceled you know, I say with cancer, at least people are rooting for you to come back. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? No one's doing that when you're canceled. True. Well, soon they do that for cancer. They don't do that for canceled. Right. You should get well soon. Right. Canceled is almost like it's cancer that the

people anoint you with. Yeah. You know, the people give you cancel. Life gives you cancer. Yeah. And it's like one of the lines that is hidden, I say, you know, there's stages for cancer. There's no stages for cancel. There should be, you know. Said something messed up at an office party.

Treatable. Fucked his stepsister. Terminal. Oh, that's good. That's good. Stepdaughter, I'll say. Stepdaughter is better. You know what I mean? That's good. Yeah, treatable fuck the step sister terminal oh that's good stepdaughter i'll say stepdaughter is better but you know what i mean that's good yeah treatable yeah yeah and you can get i guess some people have gotten out of it you can get out of can't like he's a cancer survivor he's a cancel survivor either way you're kind of a survivor right yeah completely if you get out of it but the thing with cancer is if you survive cancer people are like hell yeah

if you survive a cancer people like good for you but stay away from me or something like there's still a little bit of residual like i don't know about this guy we don't see anyone who's like going through chemo out at a restaurant like you've got a lot of nerve showing your face you know yeah yeah i don't know but like yeah you almost would rather get cancer i wouldn't but maybe for the bit that'd be funny cancer's beatable you know either way i mean either way if you're like they find old pictures like he had a cigarette from 1982 yeah yeah right right yeah you see a guy smoking like dude you gotta relax you're gonna get cancer you see a guy um like looking through child porn you're like dude you gotta relax you're gonna get cancer you see a guy um like looking through child porn

you're like dude you gotta relax you're gonna get canceled you know like there's symptoms there's there's ways to get it i don't know if i'm looking at someone watching kiddie porn you gotta chill out man bad example bad example uh bad example but i think i think you're onto something i love jokes like that that's very comedic to, that's very Carlin-y. You know, it's like, and you get to point out things in both. I think that's big. That's like a big bit. You can blow that out.

I gotta keep jacking that. I like that a lot. Oh, maybe that could be something with like, there's the cancer ward. Wouldn't that be nice if it was a cancer ward? You know, it'd be the funniest ward. You're like, hey, look, Louie's here. Spacey. Yeah, Shane Gillis is over hereane gillis is over here yeah that's fun the cancel ward oh yeah there should be different wards yes you get to you finally make it to the worst segment you're like cosby shit

i'm not coming back from this one also you got throat cancer you got bowel cancer you got brain cancer there's different kind of canceled i'm finger cancels yeah yeah there's there's uh he said retard he said uh or he had caught child porn he uh you know fucked a 14 year old whatever it is there's different there's different versions yeah there's stuff other stuff to play with here i'll take this one on the road i love it i love it there's a lot to play with i'm in st louis indianapolis springfield missouri chicago denver phoenix sf new york coming up a lot a lot of fun stuff dallas uh see me on the road buffalo samuel.com slash shows mark where you gonna be Wait, is SF back? Are we allowed there? Yeah. Oh, great. Alright. We got to do some of these, by the way.

Oh, shoot. Yeah. Let me do these before we... I'll do the plugs. Alright. I'm all over the road. I'm in Nashville this weekend. Zanies. We're adding shows. I love Zanies. I love Lucy. I love that town. Let's get kooky. Then

we're in Madison, Wisconsin. Also adding shows. Love that club. I've done two albums there. Love those Greek ladies. Rochester, New York. Hometown of our producer, Matt Peters.

Think about doing Dr. Grins. What do you think? It's on the table. I'm putting the pressure on you. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. It's one of those one weekend fell through. They're like, do you want it's that's on the table i'm putting the i'm putting the pressure on you i don't know yeah i don't know it's it's one of those like one weekend fell through they're like you want to do dr grins and i'm like so it's your weekend yeah it's my weekend that'll be quick and painless i like michigan yeah michigan's cool portland oregon and healing rapids you got that good madcap coffee

it is that that iscap coffee. It is. That is good coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's always a goddamn wedding in that fucking building. I know. Laugh Boston coming up. Brea Improv out to the West Coast. Vancouver, baby.

Oh, damn. New Orleans. Royal Oak, Michigan again. Atlanta, Buckhead Theater. And that'll be it for the year. So let's get kooky, let's say hello, and let's hug. And leave us a nice review on the iTunes thing. Sure, do it up.

Podcast app, whatever you're doing. All right. Damn, I had something at the end and I forgot it. Either way, thanks for listening. Get on the Patreon. We just sent out a ton of signed postcards. There's tears, there's queers, there's fears. Horrible band from the 80s.

And thanks a lot. Praise a lot. Keep it coming. Keep drinking. Thank you.