We Might Be Drunk - Ep 46: The Other Rachel Feinstein

Episode Date: October 25, 2021

Mark Normand and Sam Morril welcome their first guest! It's Rachel Feinstein! Visit http://rachel-feinstein.com/ to find her on tour and welcome her to the family. This Episode is brought to you by Sheath Underwear use Promo Code "DRUNK" for 20% off and Lucy, visit Lucy.co and use promo code "DRUNK" at checkout. Send us emails [e-mail] Visit www.GothamPodcastStudio.com/WMBD to enter for free Sheath Underwear! Mark Normand and Sam Morril can be seen on the road at a club near you. Visit MarkNormandComedy.com and SamMorril.com for more details! Join the Patreon for bonus episodes weekly and more bonus content: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPodW Send us emails [e-mail] Send us packages: Gotham Podcast Studio 39 West 38th Street, 10th Fl New York, NY 10018

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. We're back, baby! Yeah! It's a new week with the same us. But this time we have our first guest. You got that right. Oh, hell yeah.

Find a little estrogen in the house. Oh, God. God. All right. I guess we're going to keep that. All right. Well, Rachel Feinstein, our good friend, is in the building. You could just introduce me as one of the guys.

Well, you're here, so we have to make a... You like girly cocktails, so we're making a special girly cocktail. Beer Jew. Have you met Beer Jew? Oh, my God. Yeah. He's our in-house mixologist. Only in the form of my grandpa, Zadie.

Shout out to Zadie. Zadie in the house. Zadie fucking killing it right now. Dead. You order drinks that are like, you know, girly. Dumb twat drinks. There you go. I drink, I order, what I order just the bartender immediately decides that I'm a pointless hole.

I just order the such dumb drinks. I order the drinks that the girls that heckle me order. Like I am like a malpine plate, just fucking characterless. Pineapple, a lot of pineapple vodka. Yeah, but I've graduated because the sugar was making me too wildly ill. So now I just like, I like like a tequila soda or a vodka drink. But you could like, I want to have a good tequila, but truly you could give me well and I wouldn't know the difference. Yeah.

You know what's funny is our producer, Matt, who is always on it, looks Rachel up before the show and her favorite drink is a Negroni. And I said,

that's not true. That's a lie. He was looking up a different Rachel Feinstein. Oh my God, that's the sculptor that I always get confused with. Sculptor?

Yes, there's a famous, can I tell this story right now? Pull her up. Can we see her? Who's hotter? there's a famous, can I tell this story right now? Pull her up. Who's hotter? There's a famous sculptor. She's hotter. She's really hot. Oh, come on. I don't believe it. She's a famous sculptor and she gets You got the first Google search.

I just want to thank my team at ETA. She's a sculptor and she was on the cover of they did an article rather about her in vogue and she's like best friends with like uh mcjagger and and she just has this life i've wanted like her husband painted her for years and then he met the woman he'd been painting like it's just like like a man has never adored me like that like

my brother's always dating women. Like his wife, it's just like everything she does is adorable. I've never had a man feel like that about me. Like as soon as they meet me, they get angry at what a pig I am. I've never had a guy just be like. But you couldn't be with that guy if he was like, Rachel, my darling. You'd be like, oh, shut up. I want that.

You don't want that. When I see like a celebrity couple at a Knicks game and he Knicks game and the guy has one hand on her lower back, I project so much onto their relationship. I'm like, he protects her in a way my husband will never protect you. That was the Samanaja on my back. Anyway, so Rachel Feinstein is fine as hell. Look at these kids. I know they have like a famous

beautiful rachel has a beautiful baby oh that's right the most beautiful children i've ever seen i'm not just saying that because i'm a pedophile i really mean it but can i just say that um frankie is a very beautiful kid and she's very fond of you usually she's um suspicious of men and actively terrified of netterman but yeah but i just want to say that rachel feinstein the sculptor so i would get calls from my my manager saying offering me things this happened to me he was like they want to do a story about you and your fashion choices and they're gonna like highlight you in vogue so i walked around with like fashion profile confidence i'm like i do take some risks.

I was telling everybody. I'm like, yeah, I could see it. Like meanwhile, I shop at like Forever 21. I'm a true, true moron with fashion. But I believed for like weeks that Vogue wanted to do a profile on me. And then I got quietly uninvited to the profile. They're like, oh, yeah, they actually don't. They want this other woman. And then they called me and they were like, do you want to – Oprah wants to invite you to a private dinner party.

Invited the guy that I'm now married – like, he was like – we were just starting to date at the time. And I was like, so Oprah is intrigued by me. I'm going to bring my Brooklyn Fireman husband. Yes. And I had to tell him that she was not –, do you know, you walk differently if you think Oprah's a dreamer. Like that's a whole new level of confidence. And then again, I just got softly uninvited.

You changed your next title of your album to one of Oprah's favorite things. And then they were like, I called my manager. I was like, listen, they'd said it's the other Rachel Feinstein is the sculptor. We're really sorry. And I was like, listen, I already invited the guy I'm dating. I canceled a fucking gig because I thought I was going to meet Oprah. Can you just call them and see if I can get in? I mean, it was like something perfectly worthless. But I was like, can you just see if you can get us in?

It's too actively humiliating to tell this guy I'm newly dating that Oprah doesn't want to meet me after all. It's horrifying. So I told them and they were like, OK. Your boyfriend's like, okay. Your boyfriend's like, I actually, I'm going to be honest. I thought you were the sculptor Rachel Feinstein as well. This is very confusing. So they called back and they're like, I was like, just get us in if you can. And he's like, yeah, they're pretty firm that you're not to attend.

I think they had a picture of me like at the front door, like the security guard had a photograph. Like do not let in. Like the guy at the bodega. Bad checks. Oh, let's try this drink. What do we got here, Beer Jew? This is basically like a watermelon, basil, tequila concoction. This smells incredible.

Like the smell coming off this is. Smells good, like a pad thai. That's what I was going for. Dude, this is so good. That is delightful. This is so good. That is delightful. This is really good. Refreshing. A little watermelon.

Basil. Ooh. A little Saint Germain. Oh. We know Dan. We know Dan Saint Germain, our buddy. Yeah, this is good. I should have listened the first time.

That's not good radio, to ask you again what it is. But now I want this to be my drink, because it's really satisfying. He'll make anything delicious, though. He's good. We'll call it the Rachel. Or I don't know which drink because it's really satisfying he'll make anything really delicious though he's good we'll call it the racial or i don't know which racial flies to you maybe we'll get right now the rachel is a sandwich we'll call this a fun loving sandwich and a haircut it's a good it's a good uh jennifer anderson's friend's haircut oh that's right yeah yeah she's from uh new york jennifer Yeah, I think so. Isn't the rider rumor about Jennifer Aniston the one about getting the green M&Ms picked out? No, that's not her, is it?

No. Is it? That's old. I don't think so. Yeah, that came before her. That's like Led Zeppelin or something. Yeah. Ozzy.

That Winston Churchill. There you go. He loved M&Ms. That's what killed him. Van Halen. Van Halen. Van Halen. That was it. And it was all just to see if they would do it. I think it was like to make sure

that they're reading the writer. They're paying attention, yeah. Interesting. Oh, I see. Do you have a writer? Yes, and like, it's literally nothing on it. And it's, I mean, there's like two of the saddest, like it shows you my self-esteem when you read what's on there same same here telling i'm just like my writers just says like i'm sorry i'm here and i'll see myself out uh there's like just like

any protein bar sorry that's what i do yeah just like a protein bar water and sugar-free red bull that'll get me through the late show and none offree Red Bull. And none of it's ever there. Why don't you do – are you a Red Bull person? I mean, I'm not – I don't want to be a – I don't want to identify that way, but I just need some caffeine to get me through the late show. But when I order it, I'm actively humiliated. You know Bob Saget?

I just did Bob Saget's podcast, and he said he was offered a buy-in when Red Bull was getting off the ground for like $20,000. He would have had a huge steak at Red Bull, and he took a sip, and he was like, this stuff tastes like shit. Yeah, I mean, it does taste like ass. It does. Oh, God.

I hate myself already. The only thing worse than Red Bull is when you drink with Red Bull. Those people are like, give me a Red Bull and vodka. You're like, ooh. If you have one, I don't judge you, but once you have more than one. Oh, yeah. I just don't like Red Bull. I remember I was at a bar once at PJ Clark's, and the bartender, someone ordered't judge you, but once you have more than one. Oh, yeah. I just don't like Red Bull. I remember I was at a bar once

at PJ Clark's and the bartender someone ordered a Red Bull and he goes, we only do coffee here. And he said it was such disdain and I kind of respected it. Hell yeah. It was a badass move. Yeah, I respect. I also have skinny pop on it which Nikki said was good. I called Nikki and asked

her what I should put on it. Nikki Glazer. Yes. Because I knew that she respected herself a little more than I respect myself. Women love popcorn. It's good for you. Well. It's low-cal. It's low-cal. Yeah.

I assume it'd be one of Oprah's favorite things. Yes. But I always feel like even when I ask for like almost nothing, none of it's there. They'll be like, they know what I'm worth and they're correct. Like I'll get there and they'll be like, like literally just like a do-rag or like a nickel or something what is it like an afro pic uh what's that what's your ride all i have is protein bars bananas and uh beef jerky because to me beef jerky is the height of luxury i'm like man a bag is 6.99

yeah so i get them to buy it. They are good. Oh, it's great. Love a jerk. The problem with the jerky is, though, you want to keep it special. Now I'm kind of used to it because I get it every week. So I took the fun out of it. It's like having Christmas every day.

Yeah. It's satisfying, though. I love it. I love it. I do fresh fruit. That's good. Fresh fruit's good. And then iced coffee. Oh, yes. I asked for fresh fruit. That's good. Fresh fruit's good. And then iced coffee.

Oh, yes. I asked for cold brew. That's true. Cold brew. Cold brew. And you get a little oat milk in there. You get a nice little coffee before the show. You wake up a little bit.

That's not bad. Cold brew gives me the anxiety, though. A lot of clubs will just have liquor in there, too, which is a weird move. They're like, we got you liquor. I'm like, don't you guys have a full bar? You didn't have to buy me liquor. That's true. I think it's because of this podcast.

Yeah, probably. This is making me realize where I'm at, because these you guys have a full bar? Like, you didn't have to buy me liquor. That's true. I think it's because of this podcast. Yeah, probably. This is making me realize, like, where I'm at. Because these things don't happen to me. And then they just give you sneakers, right? And then you're like, I got shoes on. That's Eddie Griffin, though. Oh, really? You heard that story, right?

No. New Air Force One sneakers every weekend. And he doesn't take them either. He just does it to give it. It's a control thing that's hysterical. I love a power move. I remember the waiter working that weekend, like, all right, I'll a control thing That's hysterical I love a power move I love it I'm waiting for the waiter

Working that weekend Like alright I'll take these That's nice Yeah Have you been on the road A lot lately Yes I have been On the road a lot lately

Where have you been Where was I last weekend Springfield Missouri Not named drumming Quit bragging It's actually a pretty fun club It was good Yeah there was

That guy is so nice Chris He's a good hang Like he walks you All the way up to your room. Like whatever you need to bring, he'll walk you. He'll take you up to the elevator. And he tries to get in the room. He's like, come on.

Just one kiss. No, I mean, he does. He's so sweet. He fingers you until you fall asleep. I just want to make sure everything's good. Yeah. No, he's great. I think he was part of

kanye west presidential campaign what i think he was wow i'm not making that up he was like i'm not in the city right now because i'm working with kanye and i was like what i thought it was a joke and then he's like no i'm like trying to get it off the ground it sounds like a joke i forgot he ran yeah he get do you ever have this where somebody takes you around he took me around like town and he was giving all the facts of the town, and they were hysterical. He was like, on this corner, the first Munchausen's disease diagnosis was given.

I was like, that is the best small town fact I've ever heard. He's like, first Munchausen. And he's like, and I know a friend that fucked her. And I was like, wait a second. Those are the saddest facts. They're known for cashew chicken there. That's right. That's their thing.

That's their thing. Brinkley, Missouri invented cashew chicken and I'm like, what the fuck is cashew chicken? It's some kind of Chinese food. Yeah. Yeah.

What do you mean, what is it? You're a Jew and you should know it well. Christmas. Yeah, there it is. I was always a General Tso's guy. Really?

Yeah, I guess you're right. You were. Because I've gone to Chinese food. It's just weird that it's born in Missouri. Cashew chicken. I never would. It? Yeah, I guess you're right. You were, because I've gone to Chinese restaurants. It's just weird that it's born in Missouri. Cashew chicken. I never would. It is pretty good.

It's all right, yeah. It's no Kung Pao. Kung Pao is great. Is Kung Pao your go-to? What's your go-to orders at a Chinese place? Pepper steak. Really? Oh, yeah.

I love the beef and broccoli. I guess I like sesame chicken or mixed vegetables. Mixed vegetables are good. If I start to think about meat in that type of situation, I go chicken or mixed vegetables. Mixed vegetables are good. If I start to think about meat in that type of situation, I go for the mixed vegetables. Sesame chicken is general, so is it transitioned. It just went through a little thing. What is the difference? Is there a difference?

The seeds. By the way, you guys, are we on camera? Because I can sit differently if I'm not on camera. No, no, we're on camera, but you're looking great. Everything's working. No, no, I'm going to look fat if I sit like this. You can move that out of it if you want. Women are going to hate you because Rachel is so thin.

And you can't just say, like, I'm fat when you're so thin. Oh, thanks for saying that. But people tell me online, so that's where I get a lot of my insecurities. Sorry about that. That's a good place to get weight loss tips. Yeah, that's true. Good motivation. And you too. Like, my insecurities. Sorry about that. That's a good place to get weight loss tips. Yeah, that's true. Good motivation. I'm here too.

Yeah. Like, I'll get people arguing about me. Like, this guy, Mr. Twatwaffles, that always writes. I was up at, like, 3 in the morning reading all my comments. You're never supposed to do that. No, I do it too. There's this guy, Mr. Twatwaffles, that hates me. And he'll give me a brand new insecurity, Twatwaffles.

He's really active under my videos. And there's other guys that stick up for me. He was like, he's like, total man voice. voice you know wooden fucker whatever right right but he must love you if he's watching everything that's the that's the weird fine line yeah the thin line between love and hate i don't know i mean well they become if they comment on everything i guess you're right he seems so against me and then there's this other guy muff eater 69 that sticks up for me. If you have a YouTube profile and you get to comment, there should have to be like a bio attached.

Yes. If you get to weigh in, we should get to know something about you. Right. It'd also be fun to check the other Rachel Feinstein and see if Twat Waffles is right on her. Are we calling this the other Rachel Feinstein this episode? You got that right. The sculptor. The sculptor.

It's so funny. Although you sculpt your act. You're an artist. I'm no such thing. But I have to say, I'm a little drunk already. What were we just talking about? What a lightweight. Aren't these good? Yes, they are.

She was hammering what you got here, for the record. Is there a blow on my nose? It's a little blood there. No, wait, wait. I had something to say about what we were just talking about. Oh, Twat Waffles, comments. Oh, yes. Twat Waffles.

Muff Diver. So then he goes, you know, Muff Eater was sticking up for me. And he was like, come on, man. Do you think she actually has time to read this shit? She's out living her life. I'm like, one point for Twat Waffles, because here I am. This is an Avengers I would watch. Twat Waffle

versus Muff Eater and superheroes. The extended universe of the internet commenters. Exactly. Now we're getting somewhere, Marvel. Pick it up. Man, that's one thing though men don't get. I've never had a woman defend me on like

YouTube comments. I feel like a nicer guy will chime in and be like, hey, buddy, don't say that to her. I mean, but they're so furious. Is that called white knighting? I mean, I look at Sam's videos. I'm like, great guy. I love the act. Keep going, Sam.

Go get him. It's like they're cheering on a baseball team, and mine are just like, dumb bitch, die. YouTube comments for women women it's definitely a different game oh no oh yeah they hate us in a wild way like just they're aggressive there's danger in the comments like you're like oh these people would harm me if they saw me we get like homo and stuff like that what a douche what a dweeb pussy yeah cuck and i'm kind of like you think pussy hurts me i call myself a pussy I know you can't do worse than this noggin for insults do you let it affect you Mark

oh yeah oh yeah and I don't want it to Mark reads every comment I read them all and the messages and everything and the worst is when they get one right you know it's one thing if you call me a a gay guy or something I'm like alright I can deal with that but if you're like he says this a lot and you're like oh I do

yeah they give you good notes sometimes that hurt yeah and I was like I do say, I can deal with that. But if you're like, he says this a lot. And you're like, oh, I do. Yeah, they give you good notes sometimes that hurt. Yeah, and I was like, I do say it. I didn't even know that. Oh, my God. That's what fucks me up. Yeah. When they're right. When it is like semi-constructive.

Yes. When you're like, yeah, I could stand a better word economy. You got me there. Yeah. One guy wrote, he says, I don't know a lot. And I watched it. And I was like, I said I don't know like 10 times. Wow.

Crushed me. Damn. I mean, but that's not yeah i know that that arrests me but then when i hear it about you i'm like oh it's kind of helpful like it's not helpful but when you just feel vulnerable and so seen yeah seen yes that's it because you're just so exposed because you get up on stage and like especially like like a stylist will put me in an outfit and then i'll like look at it later i'm like i look like a fucking asshole and then in an outfit and then I'll look at it later. I'm like, I look like a fucking asshole. And then all the comments underneath there. Everything you put on that you put on later never looks as good.

You get clothes goggles. Like when I'm at the store and I put something on, I'm like, this works. And then I get home and I'm like, I look like shit. Yeah, same. I feel like I take these big swings and I feel like a fool a lot of times. And you never wear it again?

Yes. Like a stylist told me to wear these like shiny tiger boots. i'm like oh i look like like a freshly divorced like real estate agent searching for the next one flipping houses i look like like a just like a the kind of woman that would like pick up somebody at an airport bar like and a lot of the things that i get put in and then when i get out i got to the club in springfield and somebody on that lineup was like, he was like, oh, boots, shiny. You're having a crazy night. And like right then I was like, oh, just kill yourself, Rachel. Like just him just noticing my sassy choice.

I was so immediately disgusted with myself, you know, like he's like, oh, boots. I'm like, God damn it. That enough will just make me want to throw them in the trash. I don't want people to notice my outfit. I want them to just be like, oh, hey, I don God damn it. That enough will just make me want to throw them in the trash. I don't want people to notice my outfit. I want them to just be like, oh, hey. That's a sign of a good dresser. At least in my opinion, if I can't remember what a man's wearing for men, if I can't remember what a guy's wearing, then he's a good dresser.

Because for me, it's like that with guys. Safe is good. I don't want to see a guy take a lot of big swings. Speaking of swings, I don't want to see a guy take a lot of big swings. Speaking of swings, like I don't want to see a man, you know, I want to be, I want to be fucking Wade Boggs. I just want to get on base.

I don't want, I don't want to be hitting home runs. You see these people that are like, this guy's a good dresser. I'm like, he's wearing a fedora. Like that's a fucking ballsy move.

Yeah, that's tough. You got to be like, good dressers are generally don't want to be inside of you. That's what I feel like as a woman. Like if he's a really fine dresser, I'm like,

he doesn't want to be inside a woman. What's that? It's like a woman. Like if he's a really fine dresser, I'm like he doesn't want to be inside a woman. What's that? It's like being a great dancer. If you're like doing the tango, you're just going to be like, I don't want to fuck. I just did the tango, you know? I thought women liked dancing, guys. I don't know. I don't know either. It's tough. I feel like black guys. I think in Latin America.

Latin America and black guys, they can cut a rug and it's fine. But if there's a white guy, like... That dance was amazing. That could be like... That's a gif. Is that a gif? That is a gif, yes.

Please give us a couple shots of that. What was it? Well, that was like a tango salsa. I love the way you held yourself. I've seen men do that. Yeah. They usually have a vest on. You ever see, you ever at like a wedding and you just see a comic

break out and you're like, you can dance? Ryan Hamilton can cut a rug. He's a great dancer. He can cut a rug. And a good dresser, by the way. He's a good dresser. He wears well-fitting jackets.

You get old and you realize all you need is for the clothes to really fit. Yeah, but that's the thing is the chain the fit changes in the 90s it was loosey-goosey and now it's tighty-whitey yeah what i think jeans got tighter shirts got tighter you see blazers in the 90s like you watch like old episodes like seinfeld you're like that's a baggy fucking blazer exactly you see like larry and you see Shannon and you're like, you're wearing a double-breasted blazer? The suit pants are this wide. It's like a zoot suit.

But that's coming back in for women, which is, that's how I covered my pregnancy. I just wore a lot of Paula Poundstone blazers. I just dressed like Bea Arthur the entire time I was pregnant. Right. I didn't know you weren't supposed to hide it.

I would whisper to all my friends, don't tell anyone I'm pregnant. And they're like, you're married. They're like, you're married. You don't need to hide it like i was like whispered all my friends like don't tell anyone they're like you're married you don't need to hide it this long i hit it like a catholic teenager who gave it someone gave it away at the cellar didn't they well fucking keith he kept going like why is rachel's body disappointing all of a sudden he's like everybody let's do a fun quiz. What's wrong with Rachel's body? When you wore a blazer once to the cellar, what did he call you, like a district attorney or something? He's like, Rachel dresses like a district attorney. That one hurts so bad.

Because it was so accurate. It was such a perfect. I do dress like a district attorney or like at least a legal assistant. You know, a lot of times I feel like I dress like a woman leaving an abusive relationship. Like there's a wildness to my choices. Keith is an incredible ball buster. He's the best. Oh, he's so funny.

I auditioned at the cellar. I remember I didn't even know him. And he was just like, look at him. Look how scared he is. And I was like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? Well, he cuts to the truth. Yeah, that's what he's good at. He just zones in on that bullseye.

It's never a mean truth. It's always like a truth that's really funny. Right, that's what he's good at. He just zones in on that bullseye. It's never a mean truth. It's always like a truth that's really funny. Right, right, right. It's really funny, but he's so smart about it, but it often will... I've had people ball bust

where they're like, that joke sucks or whatever, and I'm just like, oh, it's not good. And they're like, I'm ball busting. I'm like, that's not ball... That's like an actual thing

people would say. That's an insult. It's like, you know. Mark does that, but he's worked on it. It used to be that whenever I saw Mark, I was like, just get prepared to have your feelings violently hurt. I didn't know I was doing it. When you went to therapy for like a few months, you got a little gentler.

Yeah, yeah. I was out of love, you know. I was like, hey, zing. I thought I was doing what Keith was doing. But I was calling people fat. Mark's like, you're pregnant. You're pregnant, you whore. I thought I was doing what Keith was doing. But I was calling people fat. Mark's like, you're pregnant. You're pregnant, you whore.

They want him ball busting. Yeah, but Keith will say something that like, you ever do this where you leave and nobody sees that? Like I had a huge zit and I've had like terrible acne my whole life. And I'm like, nobody's thinking about it. You're the one who sees it. I get to the cellar and he's like, why is Rachel Zit blinking at me? Rachel Zit keeps winking at me. God damn it.

And I was like, fuck. Like it just, I don't want to be outside anymore. Like that's it. I wanted to just be buried under the ground. He's good. It was perfect. Quinn is the same way. They just know how to shit on you.

I remember I showed up with a mustache once and Quinn was like, you know what really bugs me is you think this looks good. It was perfect. Quinn is the same way. They just know how to shit on you. I remember I showed up with a mustache once, and Quinn was like, you know what really bugs me is you think this looks good. He just really was furious. They were all angry that I had a mustache. They hate it. That bugs me. I remember one time DeRosa showed up with a brand-new leather jacket. Big mistake.

And Keith goes, oh, it looks like he bought your Attitude jacket. And DeRosa was like, he just took it off. I mean, he got him. You can't really take fashion risks at the comedy show. If you roll in and you're, I mean, that's probably why we dress so conservatively. Because if you take a risk and you change, even if you change, any big change, anything noticeable. Yeah. If you go in, if I rolled in in a blazer, they're just like, what are you are you doing yeah yeah who do you think you are oh this is oh this is your blazer right

this is your corporate act you're gonna do yes yes exactly but do you guys have the thing where you're at the gap or h&m and you're putting things on i just hear people going what do you create you can't pull that off you suck you're not you can't wear that so i just i don't buy it do you have that in the dressing room or is that just yes i have it in my mind all day all day all day it's just bitch who do you think you are yeah you're a fool and everyone knows your number everyone knows you're full of shit because and also it and it happens to us so like whatever self-esteem we might have developed has been beaten out i feel like from just what we've done to our psyches by going into stand-up like just the just the nature of the career alone i feel like what would i have been like had i not done this to my mind like starting my early 20s we'd be much happier probably if we didn't do stand-up but i mean like you'd be a

sculptor but i mean we'd be happier but we wouldn't have as much fun you know what i mean like i feel like that's true we would be more at peace but we would but we just have the most fun everyone's depressed I think everyone's got shit

you know like even people that are like things are going great like you don't see when that goes down when they come down from that

there's a come down from that too good point I did realize that during COVID and you're right that everybody is sizzling with mental illness

oh my god you just scroll on Twitter and you're like oh good everybody is sizzling with mental illness. Oh my God. Oh yeah. You just scroll on Twitter and you're like, oh good, nobody is healthy. Good. Right. Yeah.

That's true. But at least hurt yourself. I like when people hurt themselves. Like I love a cutter. That's a great. You know? Wait a second. Why do you love a cutter?

What the fuck are you talking about? Because at least with a cutter you're like, I'm going through shit. Cut me. But other people try to cut you. Well, you love a cutter as opposed to a mass shooter, but don't say you love a cutter.

What the fuck are you talking about? Well, I think a cutter's a good person. I love when someone kills themselves. That's great. Oh, I don't want to kill you. No, I don't want anybody to die. But I'm saying if you're going to do a little harm to your arm. Do not encourage cutting, Mark. I know, but that's the thing I prize about Mark, is he can't hear his words. I'm being funny. I'm joking.

You guys don't realize I'm joking. No, we do. We'll find an improv. I don't think people funny i'm joking this is a joke you guys don't realize i'm joking i don't think people know i'm joking all the time okay well you're joking and we're trying to fucking yes and you by all right all right by being you know but yeah i don't want anybody when you say outrageous i have to go voice of reason that's what comedy is i have to explain what i'm doing all right well i just didn't know if you actually knew. No. I know you're a fucking kid. You don't want people to harm themselves. You're a comedian? Yeah.

I fucking know you. All right. Just checking. I've known you for how long? This is a comment section. Sorry. What were you going to say, Rach? I cut you off there.

The comment section is going to be like, Mark and Sam wore that? I know, right? I'm waiting for it. and sam wore that i know right i'm waiting for it i mean i i think i do think that um i have nothing to say actually oh come on look at that give her another one she'll spill the beans in two seconds i was gonna try to whip something up it's so funny i'm literally i'm at the doctor this morning getting injections in my neck. Crazy. Because, you know, my neck is fucked. And the doctor's like, all right, no alcohol. And I was like, oh, I have a drinking podcast.

And he was like, what? I was like, well, we have a podcast where we drink. I have to have at least one. And he was like, all right, you can have one. Now, do you get a note with the doctor? Because I feel like this could get you out of. For you to tell me. Well, you could get out of oral.

I just show Mark. I'm like, it says I can't drink today. And you're like, all right, I guess. Right. What do you mean, a note? Well, you know, people say, I have a doctor's note. But I've never actually seen a doctor's note. But what would I use it for?

I want to do my job. I know. I was making a joke. If you want to get out of eating a girl out. My neck. My neck. It feels like a Curb episode. I got the neck thing.

I can't be in that position. You can blow me, though. You guys, I just thought about how greasy I must look when I'm putting on powder. Take in the sadness of that. No grease. You look fine. You look great.

What are you talking about? No grease. You're smart. You're funny. You're just a little insecure. People like you. There's no mirror here. Al Franken.

Yeah. He's at the cellar now. Somebody called me greasy in a video, and I was like, I am greasy. I'm a greasy ass bitch. Greasy hurts. What does greasy even mean? I know. It's a temporary state.

Greasy is good. I had one where I was sweating, and somebody goes, he's so shiny. And I was like, ah, I am. Was that the time you had food poisoning, though? Yeah, that was bad. Are you serious? Mark taped his Comedy Central half hour. He had food poisoning, so he was sweating his ass off.

Pull up a photo. I look like a different person. Whoever did the makeup for those half hours made us all orange for some reason. I know! Pull up a picture of me Sam Earl half hour if you can. I look orange, dude. We look like the real housewives. It's way overdone. It's a half hour special, Matt, for both of us.

We all look orange. Someone just posted one. Yeah, there it is. The first one. The blue. Look how orange I am. Oh, yeah. Aren't you glad you're not Sam? Let's see Mark. Pulled mine a half hour special. I had H. pylori. It wasn't even food poisoning.

It was a virus. Look at that. Look how fat and bloated I was. You look different. I took an antibiotic. I went back down in one day. Damn. Look at me. I look like fucking John Panette. You don't look fat and bloated I was. You look different. I took an antibiotic. I went back down in one day. Damn. Look at me. I look like fucking John Panette. You don't look fat or bloated.

You look handsome, actually. Oh, get out. Look at that one. Look at me. I'm like a fucking jack-o'-lantern. Jesus Christ. You look surprised there. You look like you're taking a shit and someone opened the stall.

I was actually shitting down my pants like I had the bubbles in the back. Really? It was diarrhea all day long. Bubbles. This virus is called H. pylori. It was a nightmare. down my pants like I had the bubbles in the back. Really? Diarrhea all day long. This virus is called H. pylori. It was a nightmare. You get it from eating feces. Yeah. What is it? You get it from ingesting feces. Damn. I ate a

gal's back door in Wisconsin. Did you? No! Yeah, which sounds like a country song. Stars. Yeah, yeah. I'll send you the video. I love that beard. Really a joke. I'm joking. There's no video. I, yeah. I'll send you the video. I love that beard. Really a joke. I'm joking. There's no video. I believed you. I need content. Her back door.

Which city in Wisconsin? Madison. I was newly singled. I went on a tear. Yeah. And I was like. So did she. Yeah. And I learned about ass eating. That was new then, you know. It was hot. That was new then. That was trending. Yeah. Ludicrous thing to say. Hashtag eating. I learned about ass eating. That was new then. You know, it was hot. That was new then. That was trending. Yeah.

Ludicrous thing to say. Hashtag eating ass. I learned about ass eating. That was when it was getting its start. Exactly. Ass eating has been around since the early 1900s. I don't know. I'd never heard of it in the 80s.

Oh, your great-grandfather was one of the finest ass eaters. Winston Churchill. Brown M&M. Mark Norman Senior. One of the finest butthole lickers of all. Where's that Ken Burns? The ass-eating history.

Just a slow zoom out. He always liked to lick a butt. Soft jazz. Guys on a porch with a rocking chair. Back in my day. In my day.

Do you have any pet peeves? Let's go to, shit. Do you have any pet peeves, Rachel? Let's go to a caller. Do you have any pet peeves, Rachel? Tammy from Des Moines, you have something you want to say to Sam? We do peeves on this podcast. We do our complaints. It's kind of like our kvetching. Yes.

Any peeves this week? What grinds your gears? First of all, wait, can I look at my phone? Because I just wrote down one of my peeves this week? What grinds your gears? First of all, wait, can I look at my phone? Because I just wrote down one of my peeves. I have some complaints about my husband. He's like, babe, if you're watching this, you better watch out. He wouldn't watch it. That's the saddest part.

He would never have even thought to watch it. I don't want my significant other to watch me on podcast. You know, speaking of pee peeves my husband will like um like I don't care that he's not like particularly enthralled with my stand-up but he'll lay in bed next to me and laugh like wildly at something on college humor and you want to see my special at any point like that's fun that's how it's done and every one of my boyfriends has been like this like there was a time where I did like a commercial and I was thinking like

and like I'm taping this commercial in LA and he'd never been to LA before so I'm thinking like what is he thinking now I had the most narcissistic thought

I'm like as I'm shooting this is he gazing over like intrigued by my life and he's like he walked me over to me slowly you know when you kind of open your body language up

to be complimented oh yeah he was like the pool's only open for another hour can I go back to the hotel Like he walked to me over to me slowly. You know, when you kind of open your body language up to be complimented. Oh, yeah. He was like, the pool's only open for another hour. Can I go back to the hotel? That just like sums up how deeply underwhelmed he is. Like I'll be like, my special was like airing that day. And he's just like, you gotta love this guy.

I mean, that's how it's done. And I dated one guy that he loved that movie with The Rock and his niece. Oh, what's it called again? It was like Hulk Hogan did a version of it, Mr. Nanny. Oh, yeah. Remember when Hulk Hogan was like a leading actor? Oh, yeah. That was a bad time. I watched all those it's like he would be like he loved when um when big people and little

people hung out together he'd be like come on he's so big he kept repitching it to me like i didn't understand the concept he's like he's so big and she's so tiny i mean you do the math like i got it yeah i got it yeah but it's great like a big doer. He's like doing stuff with his little tiny. I'm like, I understand. Has he seen the movie Twins? We got to show him that. They're going to love it. Although I will say.

A sequel to that show. Really? Junior. Oh, right. Right. I forgot about that. That was some trans stuff. Danny DeVito, though, dude.

I mean, that guy fucking. Oh, he's great. I watched It's Always Sunny. That's my comfort show on the road. You ever watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia? I do like that show. It's a really funny show. There's something about it, though. When my partner, when I date someone, I don't need her to

love my act. I just need that occasional, like, oh, that was funny. I date a comic, so a lot of the time, like, comics don't laugh at jokes like i'll tell you like oh what's what any new stuff i told her when she's just like oh yeah that's good and it's like it's weird to just get that yeah that's how that's how i am too that's how comics react to like even you think it's hilarious you just think about it you think about how good it is you're

analyzing it what makes me laugh out loud is like craziness it's like silly shit like a silly yeah something outrageous i will will say, as I insult the fact that he loves movies about big men and tiny women, that I love the dumbest tropes will make me laugh more than anything in the world. I love it when somebody's told to leave someplace and comes back in

again. It's always funny to me. Like when somebody's told seriously to leave a party, they're like, you're out of here, get out of here. Then they come back in a different outfit. Always funny to me. Like when somebody's like told seriously to leave a party, they're like, you're out of hand. Get out of here. Then they come back in a different outfit. Always funny to me. Really? Somebody's sneaking back in.

It's like, you know, like in like trading places, like in those old comedy movies where they're like told to leave a fancy party and then they come back in a fun loving hat. Always funny to me. I also like it when couples insult each other. Like they're married, but they're like, you're dumb. That's why. Oh, you love that. I like it because you've each other. Like they're married, but they're like, you're dumb. That's why. Oh, you love that. I like it because you've made the decision to marry somebody.

And it's very funny to me that you just turn around and you're like, because you're an idiot. Because your brain can't hold a lot. That's why. Yeah. That's one of my favorite scenes ever is in Back to School when Rodney's wife is leaving him. You know, he's divorcing her. He just caught her with someone else. And he just hands her. She goes, I with someone else. And he just hands her.

She goes, I want a divorce. And he goes, I knew we had something in common. He takes the papers out of his jacket. He goes, sign here. She goes, oh, you're not getting out of it this easy. And he just takes it. He goes, oh, you want to talk about class? Because he goes, you got no class.

He goes, you're right. I married you, didn't I? He goes, you want to talk about class? Here's you with this guy. Here's you with this guy. Here's you. Here's this guy. Here's you with this guy. Here's you. Here's this guy. But what's with the midget?

It's like Rodney just zinging her. Yeah. And she cheats on him, so he's just licensed to say fucking anything. Right, right. Yes. I love that he's like, we need a button on this. Midget. She goes, you're impossible.

He goes, oh, yeah? And you're impossible he goes oh yeah and you're easy i actually just heard those specific jokes because my husband my father-in-law every time i go over to his house he's like you know what you should do you should do that rodney dangerfield his suggestion is always that i steal rodney dangerfield's act he's like that's what you should do and then he plays it really loud whenever like an alarming level like just 15 and he's like that's what you should do. And then he plays it really loud, like at an alarming level. Like just 15. And he's like, that's what you go on there and you do.

He's like, that's comedy. Like he just wants me to literally steal Rodney Dangerfield's entire act and just go on stage and deliver it. It's fascinating. And he goes, and remember take pauses. You gotta take pauses. Sheath review giveaway, baby. Sheath underwear and We might be drunk

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That's what I do for a living. But that's what we like Rodney. Cause that's our ultimate fantasy is to be in a horrible situation like that and always have a zinger yeah you're right that's all it is people like heckler videos i think because yes they're living vicariously to you like that's their boss that's the right there's justice in that moment it's something about rodney that's so comforting you're right because that's also what all like that's what i spend most of my time doing is over like replaying small social exchanges like some people are afraid of death like i don't death bring it on i care if people are mad at me that's all a jerk store called they're running

out of you yeah i worry so much more if i rub someone the wrong way than if i die just like a violent gangrenous death same i think about at least someone's mad at you so many flights i was on a flight the other day that was like, it felt like the engine stopped going. I was like, Oh, we're going to die. It was like one of those moments. You always look at the,

at the flight attendant to see how she's doing. And she was okay. And that was the only thing I was like, Oh God, thank God. Yeah. But then also part of me is like, well,

maybe she's just okay with death. Maybe she's like, if this goes down, shit's been bad. Like I'm, i'm a flight attendant during a pandemic people are assholes bring it on i kind of have no sympathy i was sitting next to a lady the other night on a flight and she was like oh god she had like a thick southern accent she was like a cute kind of southern hayseed lady you know like it's my first time flying you know

oh it'll be fine it'll be fine she's like i'm so scared i'm so scared when she said a prayer and all that it was it was endearing but you're also like come on shut up the plane's going down you're like shut up you hick yeah yeah you fucking hillbilly eat a pretzel oh man there is a part of me i'm on the flight uh you know and they do oh someone's got a peanut allergy so we're not serving peanuts today. And I wasn't even planning on eating peanuts, but there's a party that's like, fuck him. Yeah, fuck him. Right, right.

That's true. I could have had peanuts. I know. I wasn't planning on it. Also, why announce it to us? Just don't give us the fucking peanuts. Also, I bring nuts on the plane with me. I could just still belt them out. Oh, good point. Here's the other thing. Good point. I only want the peanuts now that I know I can't have them.

Right. You want what you can't have. Yeah. It's true. Before, you're like, ah, peanuts, fuck this shit. Fuck peanuts. They're still serving this shit?

Yeah. I can't have them. I can't have a fucking salty snack? I still hate Biscoff. I know we fight about this. Biscoff is fucking class. Stinks. I associate it with being hung over

on a 7 a.m. flight out of Denver. Well, it's being hung over on a 7 a.m. flight out of Denver. Well, it's your fault for taking a 7 a.m. flight. Well, I want to get home. Yeah, well, time changed. I kind of agree with both of you. There's a sadness to a Biscoff cookie. There is. And it's packaging, but yet it's still a cookie, so I'll slam it in my face.

You ever dip it in a coffee? It's really good. It's a good coffee dunk. I eat it, but I agree there's a low-grade depression to a Biscoff. Yes, and it's this packaging that's obviously cheap, and the cookie's cheap, but they try to make it seem snazzy and... Bisque off.

You know, it almost seems kind of hoity-toity and it comes in this dumb wrapper, and I'm like, I know, I can see through you, bisque. You're full of shit. You're a phony cookie. Eh, whatever. I like a bit... You're not a shortbread. Yeah, the cookie's sad. You know what else? Taking a fucking flight back from Springfield, Missouri's sad so you know what embrace the sad have a cookie treat yourself yeah nothing like a connecting flight disgusting the night after I taped my

first half hour special I flew to do some some like gig in the middle of nowhere I was wildly lonely just pulsing with loneliness I was so aggressively single and i go do this gig aggressively single that was like when i was remember when i was like hanging out at steakhouses because i heard men hang out it was a really dark time for me i was just like leering at strangers i love a steakhouse that shows your clientele though i just i just went to St. Elmo's in Indianapolis. Holy shit. Good? I like a steakhouse, too.

It's where Nick Offerman always talks about on Parks and Rec. Oh, really? His character. Yeah. That's St. Elmo's Indianapolis Steakhouse. Fuck. What am I missing? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cut off here.

I don't love a steakhouse. No, there really wasn't much I was going towards. But I do feel like there's something about a men like group together, ignoring me that I find after. Yeah. It's like, just like guys at a work party that has nothing to do with me. I've just,

and I'm just sitting there leering at like, just, yeah, it really feels, if you're going to be ignored, you want it to be at least the caliber of guy who's got like a shrimp cocktail. Yes.

Tie on. But I don't believe, I don't believe that they're ignoring you. I'm sure guys hit on you. Well, I think it's alarming when you're sitting at a bar and kind of leering at strangers. What are you, throwing a cocktail dress and sit at the bar kind of thing?

There was a while where I was like openly telling people this and one of my friends was like, that's not okay. I think that's fine. I was like, yeah, man, I got a steakhouse. It's like, if you guys want to hang, I'll be at Keen's fine I think it's fine I was like if you guys want to hang I'll be at Keen's later

and she's like too many times Keen's is a cool steakhouse you're going to pick up a real old like a rich guy like a tycoon over there

it's funny that you say that because I was hit on by a guy that was really close to death and I was sitting at the bar my friend was with me

it's good to bring like a wing person my friend is like hello Sumner Sumner Redstone. Nice to meet you. Would you like to control my oxygen tank for the next few hours?

Wait a minute, Rachel, the sculptor? And he had the best line too. It was like the line I'd been waiting for my whole life. I can't wait. Let's hear it. It was so dumb, but it was so funny. There was like this big painting up above the bar in Keene's Steakhouse

and it's like a big, like soft dick looking, like kind of rolling woman. And he was like, is that you? Are you? Like, it just made me laugh,

you know? He's like, I'm sorry to say this, but are you? And then I turn around like, whoever this is, like he's going to be inside of me this evening.

And he was like osteoporosis old. Just like. I love your liver spots. Yes. No, he was, yeahoporosis old. Just like. I love your liver spots. Yes. No, he was, yeah, like in his high 80s. So how was the sex? It was good. He really punished me in this way that I didn't realize I needed to be punished.

Right, right. He had his nurse do it. There was something about a steakhouse that found, like any place that knows how to make a cocktail sounds like a fun place. It sounds like a naughty place. Yes. Oh, yeah. It's oozing with sexual vibes.

And we were drunk and the threesome I had with him and his home attendant was just, I want to save half of my estate. The Jamaican hospice lady. She's got those Tweety Bird scrubs. There's no end of hospice porn.

Ah, Bamba Clats. That's true. There's not enough. I would say it's for the rest. I missed it. Shit. Oh, nothing. Oh, there needs to be more hospice porn.

Yeah. Yes. Ooh. Cause all the porn ends the same way. This will end it a little differently, right? You pull a plug, nothing,

pull out. Nothing turns me on like a bedpan. I had speaking of porn. I, I had a porn on my phone one time and I was at a nail salon on the Upper East Side. I was like nannying and I got off and I go to the nail salon. Packed Upper East Side nail salon. The porn somehow opens on my phone and starts blasting like wildly aggressively.

It was like, I am fake, yeah? Like me pussy, like me pussy. And I was like, oh, God. And my hands were in the dryer. I was like, ah. Oh. My hands were in the dryer. I was like, ah. Oh, my God. Hands in the dryer. Everyone heard it.

Everybody was just like so disturbed. It happened to me on a flight once. Really? I was able to X out like right when it started. There was like kids on the plane. I know. But I'm like, you know what? I've listened to your fucking crime.

Maybe you have to listen to my shit. Yeah, good point. You have that. So it opened up and played like that? Yeah. Yeah, you know what? I've listened to your fucking crime. Maybe you have to listen to my shit. Yeah, good point. You have that. So it opened up and played like that? Yeah. Yeah, you just open the window. It goes right where it left off. I know.

It was a long time ago, but it was like, oh, this is embarrassing. You got to up those windows, you know, when you're done. I know. I'm going to learn some stuff from you. I need to learn from you. Yeah. I need to talk to somebody that's been lying for the last 20 years. Get some good hard tips.

Might be hard for you with the wet fingers, though. Whatever Norman's done will keep me safe for a long time. You got it. We do a Patreon. Mark and I will walk you through it. Yes. So what's your go-to? Because I know the ladies don't love the porn.

Like, my gal is a fucking animal in the sack. She's filthy. She does things I've never seen before. But you put a porn on and she's like, oh, it's horrible. She doesn't want to watch with you, you mean. Just doesn't like it. At all. She never watches even a little.

Hates it. When she rubs one out, she doesn't use it. She's not a fan. Damn. Do you like it? Is there a type? Yeah. What's your go-to?

I mean, I don't watch that much. And when I do, I'm sure it's like the beginning of the trail of filth that you guys have gone through especially we like the end it gets worse yeah yeah like i i just watch like whenever i'm watching i cut to 14 minutes in same a lot of scrolling it's like saving private ryan the first 25 minutes i don't want to see right i want to see the real shit yeah it's like m night shamalan let's see the twist yes it's a man fuck one of my porn is watching the crying game sorry one of the first porns i ever saw was called uh i believe it was something called

i think it was the horn or blind sister. But it was hilarious. It was like this woman. Pull it up. I don't know if that's the actual name, but that's what happens in the porn. Oh, okay. Basically. The blindfolded sister doesn't realize that it's her brother's car. Oh, that's awesome.

See, what fun. This is great. No, it's basically. Is there a script for that? Is. See, what fun. This is great. No, it's basically... Is there a script for that? Is there like a porno guy being like, I need a twist. Right.

Yeah, basically, they have some sort of just filthy, unacceptable, exhausting sex, him and the first girl. And then she's like, listen, I got to head to work.

Doesn't even rinse herself just like puts her hair up in a bun to go teach at the local elementary school and then she's like listen if you happen to catch my sister just so you know she might need some help around the house this is how much porn there is it's that like you put in a movie plot the movie comes up oh yeah you put in a porn synopsis you're getting like 80 80, and you're like, it's not that one. Yeah, we got like 10 blind porns cooking when you pulled that up. I'd like to know what happens with the seeing eye dog. What's going on there?

Is that helping? Is that tuning in? Oh, my goodness. Oh, my stars. I mean, shit. That's like, what is that there? The horn of blinds. Is that just Larry David? Oh, it looks like a What is that there? The horn of blinds. Is that just Larry David?

Oh, it looks like a Larry David, Andy Warhol kind of thing. Oh, it's Larry David, yeah. I'd put that on my wall. I feel like this is a dangerous Google. Yeah, you got that right. All right. There's that CNI dog episode. That must be what it is.

Oh, that's right. That's right. Yeah. You sent me years ago. You were talking about how you like couples that ball bust. And you told me about, what's his name? Oh, God. Geez, why am I blanking on this guy's name?

The guy, Cool Hand Luke. Oh, Paul Newman. Paul Newman. I love Paul Newman. And the wife. Joanne Woodward. Joanne Woodward. Yeah, they're amazing.

They're so fun together. If you look up old interviews of them, they're so hilarious with each other. Yeah. And just the way he laughs at her. She would ball busting a lot ball bust him a lot and you could tell he just loved it and there was this famous uh quote about paul newman um yes they said he said somebody asked him about like why him and joanne woodward's marriage lasted so many years because he was married to her for i don't know what it was like 20 30 like their whole most of their lives and uh he said why go out for um hamburgers when you have steak at home and it was like this famous quote and they asked her about it she's like it was disgusting it was

awful she was like i told him to stop comparing me to meat but they were like oh there's an infamous impressive quote she's like yeah it's not okay. And he was laughing so hard because this quote that everybody had been like, if only my husband would say that about me. Right. She was like, God, it stinks. Rachel adapted that to, why stay home for burgers when you go to a steakhouse? Look at the guy. It's just cool that he's the hottest guy in the world.

He's the coolest guy. In the fucking world. And she's like zinging him all day long. And he loved it. And you could tell that he loved it and then because no one did it probably

because nobody did it yeah and they both told the story of how they met and he was like I came in I had this like seersucker suit

and I was meeting up with my agent and she walked in and she was like oh his suit was so ridiculous and he's laughing so hard like he just

she's like he came in in this absurd outfit just and you could tell he just loves it he loves that she just gives's like he came in in this absurd outfit just and you could tell he just loves it he loves that she just gives him like wild amounts of shit yeah that's underrated flirting is a little bit of yeah just the right amount yeah people overdo it with comics but it does yeah but there's like a level of i will say that's the fun thing about like and i have many a complaint about my husband but being married to a firefighter because like i give him so much

and he truly loves it he's really cool about that i've seen he likes it he doesn't kiss fireman don't give a shit about that kind of stuff like no like we'll have sex and afterwards i'll be like you really stuck it up that time like that was unacceptable laugh so hard i'd be like i did right like i gave way too and he just likes it like he doesn't care at all yeah he is he is awesome about i've seen i've seen you shit on him and he he takes it, and it's like, it's playful. I mean, there's a skill to ball busting the right way, and that's why, like, you appreciate it. You're like, oh, they put thought into this. Yeah.

Yes. And firefighters are a lot like comedians in the way that, like, you know, you walk up to the comedy table at the cellar. Like, a normal person, a civilian, as we would call them, walks up, and we're just, like, rolling their eyes. Like, oh, some guy brought his girlfriend over and we have to speak with her or some female comic brought her boyfriend over and now we have to engage.

My issue is when they don't want to hang out with her so they bring her over and then they go to the bathroom and now I'm babysitting the date they don't want to be on. Right. Oh my God.

So where are you from? Okay. I can see why you left. I just realized how many times that's happened to me. Oh my God. Oh my God, they do do that a lot. I'm literally catching you left. I just realized how many times that's happened to me. Oh my God. I'm like, God, they do do that a lot.

I'm literally catching up with friends I haven't seen in weeks and some comic will drag over a date that they don't want to be on. Oh yeah. And you're like, so have you seen the blind whore? You don't know what to say. The part with the dog is fascinating,

but the rest wasn't for me. Right. I feel like Sherrod did that when I was roommates with Sherrod because he would invite girls over and- And it was a railroad right you live in a yes we lived a railroad apartment i feel like he would i feel like this is a new york thing i feel like if you're not from new york you don't know this shotgun yeah it's like so it's like you to go to who lived in the back and who's in the front oh i know in the back then the kitchen was in between and

then the bathroom was through my room so you had to walk through my room to get to the bathroom to use the bathroom in the middle of like an old law tenement you know we lived in active squalor we've been doing stand-up for like you know a year wow and he would get just like wild amounts of ass and he would bring these women over and and he would try to use me as part of the oiling process to get them to trust him i would try to look at them like through eye contact be like you're making a terrible mistake this is a violently bad idea but he would like make me have basically have this quick small talk with them so that he could be like look female roommate why not have me inside of you i'm gonna know you're making a terrible mistake ultimate wing woman though yeah i feel

like remember when we tried to do that because me and sam were both single and i was like and you can wing me and i'll wing you and sam went both single, and I was like, and you can wing me, and I'll wing you. And Sam went out with me, and it was just really alarming. When I came with you, it worked like a charm. But then when you came with me, and I'm like, and you talk to guys, and then I'll talk to them. Because I'm too shy to actively speak to a stranger. Some guy talked to Rachel, and I'm just hammered like, you like her? It was a disaster.

You'd be like, yeah, so the Knicks, and they were just like, what are you guys trying to do to me? And the guys would run. Yeah, they weren't okay.

We used to go to that bar at Swift all the time and order. It's funny, we'd go out, meet people, and then we would just sit at the bar

and eat artichoke pizza and get drunk. Yeah. It would always backfire. It shows how hard it was before apps and internet. You had to really be vulnerable and put yourself out there, get drunk, and sit at a bar. Oh, my God.

Back in the day, you would walk up like, hey. Yeah. I guess people still do that, but it's different now. It's different, yeah. Especially with younger people, I imagine. It's a new world. Oh, they won't know. Young people won't know what it's like to have to approach someone.

It's tough. I guess maybe when they're in sixth grade, you probably have to learn it. But like when you're an adult or a teenager even, like, I mean, I guess there's no Tinder for like 13-year-olds, but there might be. Yeah, yeah. I will say those are the two moments that I don't like envy being a man at all. Really? Moments where I see when men have to hit on somebody, I'm like, oh my God, that's enough

for me to want out, you know? And the moment where like a man meets another man for the first time that he doesn't know at all. There's this weird, like, aggression. Like, I want no part of that. They'll be like, let's go, buddy. They give, like, a free hit in the back. Like, everything's good. Everything's okay.

Like, I'm like, not all of that would happen. I'll happily take all kinds of wild, unacceptable nonsense. Just not have to be a man meeting another man for the first time. That is weird. But the lady meeting can be weird too. Like the two pretty girls meeting. There's some real like I like it. Thanks. I love your dress. Yeah. And you're like

oh boy. They hate each other. That's true. That is a loaded moment as well. But there's something about when guys meet that it's frightening. Yeah. It's like planet earth. Like monkey shit. You feel like some of them want to be like so much you bench and you're like oh fuck. frightening. Yeah, it's like planet Earth, like monkey shit. You feel like some of them want to be like, so how much you bench? And you're like,

oh, fuck. Yes, exactly. It's always like sizing each other up. Yeah. Yes. What are you, 6'1"? 6'2"?

Yeah. That is a moment. That's why it's nice to be tall because you guys are just like, oh, yeah, I'm taller than you. Yeah, yeah, 6'1". How much do you pull in

financially every year? Yeah. Yeah? Where do you live? It's just like, you're like, oh, Jesus. I'm taller than you. Yeah, yeah. Six foot one. How much do you pull in financially every year? Yeah. Yeah? Where do you live? It's just like, well, you're like, oh, Jesus. I know. That happens a lot. You're right.

The man on man. Men are fucking, there is an energy. It's primal. Especially the bar ones. It's mostly younger men. It's mostly like. Yeah. Really?

I think so. Or Long Island. What do you mean? I think it's like when you're young, there's that insecurity. But also, yeah, Long Island energy, like the Long Island meathead. Terrifying. I mean, I have a bit about it, but like when firefighters meet each other, like there's that insecurity and but also yeah long island energy like the long island meathead terrifying i mean i have a bit about it but like when firefighters meet each other like oh yeah there's something about that new york like type of like well there's a good everything's okay it's good beautiful tell you what then a day it's about family

i always say how they always sound like they're about to admit something they can't hold anyone beautiful little kid goes by fist. Goes by real fist. Firefighters fucking drink. I ran over a kid. Sorry. Yeah, they can drink. I mean, those are like dudes. Oh, yes. At my wedding,

there was just like... Oh, that was hilarious. I mean, wildly drunk firefighters. I thought it was like comics drink. If I said the firemen, I'm like, oh, firemen. Because a lot of comics are sober. Yeah. Yes. And a lot of firemen need to be.

Yeah, no, it's a whole other thing. Because they're, I mean, they're like. I wonder if they've been drunk in the bell rings. Like, has that ever happened? No, they can't be drunk at work anymore. But they like to tell fond stories. Yeah, they do. They tell fond stories about like back in the 70s when they were absolutely loaded.

I called a fire truck 40 minutes ago. They're like, yeah, we wrapped it around a pole. Yeah, we're at Wendy's. We're at the drive-thru. You want anything? We'll bring it to you. Pete's firefighter buddies called me like hammered once. And meanwhile, Pete is his captain, right?

So he's his boss and so cool to say i'm a captain i know i know so manly i put his hat on right after sex all the time really like a salute please respect the rank that's pretty hot make a girl with a fireman hat on that's pretty great but i actually put his whole uniform on once but he's so anal like neat that i was like oh i'll put a uniform on and do like some sort of whore jig the fact that i called it whore jig i'm aware is not arousing but i came and he's like no i'll do the other one do the other one because that's the one i need to wear tomorrow i'm like it's not gonna work anymore don't make me break out the iron just to fuck

you here come on right right that's great but he when he was promoted to captain they did like a special ceremony there's like a captain ceremony. You guys, there's so much fucking material in these places. So we go to this big auditorium. And each firehouse that knows that guy's about to be promoted, they have a big sign like, Peter Brennan! You know, like 118, ladder 118. And Pete was like, listen, when you arrive at the stadium or whatever where he's being promoted, there's a guy with a bullhorn. It's like, guys upstairs, you know who you are.

Shut up. All right. Show some respect. Okay. I mean, it's an incredible scene. And so when I get there, he's like, listen, when you arrive at the place, because Pete was sitting down like at the front, he's like, a couple of my guys are going to like, you know, walk you up.

I gave them your number, you know, and they all, all their names are like, he has them in his phone. It's like Jew couple of my guys are gonna like you know walk you up i gave him your number you know and they all all their names are like he has them in his phone it's like jew steve or something yeah white dad and jew steve in the lobby and they'll walk you up or whatever and then he was like and like you know drunk ted or something i'm trying to change the name holocaust and imc 9-11 was an inside job uh bobby that's a long name so i meet the guy in the lobby and i'm like already it's like a very it is like the beginning of a porn like my friend will take care of you or maybe just a part of my own mind but so he's like the guys will watch you like they'll take care of you during the ceremony and then i'll meet you after so then i meet these guys and we chat we're hanging

out they're really fun you know animals like myself we had a great time then afterwards we go to this bar we have a few drinks and then we go home and then it like we hadn't like been living together or had i don't think we'd had sex yet so i go back to my apartment and then at four in the morning there's like seven missed calls from the guy who was supposed to meet me in the lobby of the promotion ceremony for the guy that I did meet there and I listened to the messages and he's like listen it's incredible the first one is like I'm just here to pick you up. Message seven. You fucking bitch. You fucking lied to me. If your house ever catches on fire, we're not coming.

They did get more and more problematic. The first one is like, listen, I respect Pete. I respect that he's going to be a cap and all that fucking shit, whatever. And he's like, but I'm going fucking rescue. I'm going blue. That's what they call the special ops firefighters. They say going rescue. Those are the guys that have cranes and go into the river and shit.

It's pretty amazing. He's like, he's going to be a cap, whatever. I'm going to be fucking blue. I would love to have little blue babies with you. No. Damn. Wow. And then he's like, fuck it.

It's so fucking brave, man. It really is like, it's insane. It is insane. It. Wow. And then he's like, fuck it. It's so fucking brave, man. It really is like, it's insane. It is insane. It's crazy. They get a pass for drinking that much because of how brave it is. No, that's why they drink, because all this shit they see. They've seen so much. They see some serious stuff.

Right. And they go into fires, and they love going to fires. And if he doesn't go to a fire, he gets upset that he missed it. I mean, they hate missing fires and they complain about the guys that got their job. Whoa. They'll be like,

fucking 240, they catch all the good fucking fires. Had a fucking beautiful fire on a high rise, should have been us. Damn. It must be a rush. I mean,

as dangerous as it is. It's very similar besides the hero part because we're narcissists, but there's a lot of weird similarities with comics. Like, they're adrenaline junkies and they love their jobs. I think that's the reason that, like, he's –

I've seen their bodies. They're not that similar. They've got biceps and they can lift weights. Yeah, that's true. I mean, we're complete. Yeah, we're – But they have a lot – just like us, they have a lot of downtime. They're eating chili.

They're playing foosball. I love the chili part looks fun. I love it. The downtime of any job looks fun. Like, I look at the mob. I'm like, well, you're just at, like, a fucking cookout. That're playing foosball. I love the chili part looks fun. I love it. The downtime of any job looks fun. Like I look at the mob. I'm like, well, you're just at like a fucking cookout. That looks great. I know.

Then they got to murder people and, you know, intimidate. Sure. You know, the part of the fire department where it just looked fun. I know. You're just making me. I love making chili. It's my favorite thing to make. Yeah, they're playing.

They all cook. Firefighters all cook. And that's when you walk into the firehouse You feel that same feeling As somebody must walk Feel when they walk up To the comedy cellar table It's just like The chemicals change in the room

Like you change the chemicals Because you're coming But I do feel like They like comedians Firefighters Yeah for sure So then once they know I'm a comic

Like they don't see me As quite as the same As the Like they get a kick Out of stand-ups But They came to a lot of our shows when we're doing those they always come out to my shows now so one week you weren't there

there were some firemen there and they were so cool and they were uh we were chatting afterwards they were just cracking me up one of them was just like yeah i got fucking covid he goes he goes i was fucking sick he shit for two weeks it was fucking horrible and he was just cracking he was just making me laugh just his energy just there's something about some of their energies that's like so when you see shit like that you give no fucks yes and that's something it's refreshing i think that's why i like firemen yeah don't give a shit and for very different reasons than we don't give active heroes but they don't they don't give a fuck like they don't care about it we don't give a fuck because we're tired and we're

phoning it and half the time they don't give a fuck because they could they know they could die absolutely and they see it's like nurses you ever have nurses in the audience they're always great crowds because they've seen people shitting themselves and blood splatters and all that shit and it's like a full release for them yes they need to laugh some people want to laugh some people need to laugh like they need to laugh so totally totally. I did a gig. Me and like five open micers did a gig in deep Pennsylvania early on in comedy. And we all bombed. They were super nice, but we just sucked at comedy.

The only laugh that I got was we did the show in front of all their uniforms and everything. We were hanging up with their names, know like gonzalez johnson whatever with the helmet and everything and i was like oh i'm bombing i go oh johnson we all know he's gay and they went ah that was the only laugh i got they're all shaking johnson like he is gay oh man and then i bombed you know for another 20 minutes but yeah it is amazing people who have been through shit like i remember i did it was me me and Scott Chaplin years ago. I love Scott. We did a funny guy.

Oh, he's the best. He's so funny. And we did a gig in Warwick, uh, Delaware, whatever it is, uh,

Rhode Island, wherever the fuck it was. It was, it was, it was one of those places that probably Rhode Island. And it was in a movie theater. It was horrible. It was like a comedy zone back then in a,

in a movie theater. So Scott's like, uh, is it okay if I don't watch your set? Grown Ups 2 is playing next door. And I'm like, all right, go ahead. Knock yourself out. So, you know, we go up and it's like all the crowds kind of suck there.

And then we did one show and they're like, it's bought out by a breast cancer benefit. And I have to tell you, it was all women who had breast cancer. And they were the best crowd I've ever had. Wow. They just laughed fucking everything they were so cool yeah and there's something about that shit when like rachel's right when you need it it is well the people get upset about comedy are tend to be the most privileged kind of highfalutin people who can who can sit there and analyze it and go they

have a lot of bothered me yeah exactly they're very protected you're right yeah there's like an elitism to what people get offended by there's an absolute elitism because it's a privilege to be offended there's like it's like there's a lot less room for those kinds of emotions in some people's lives right like i was asking my brother because he's a therapist at like an inner city school in dc and like and they have just dealt with insane amounts of adversity and poverty and a lot of the kids are just like immigrants who've dealt with insane levels of unacceptable violence and wow and i'm like what do you what do you deal with like how do you deal with all the kids getting triggered by language and like this new culture he's like this doesn't happen

i don't hear that word i I hear that word very rarely. They got real problems. Because you're dealing with active violence and real emergencies and the immediacy of poverty and other things like that. Yeah. Totally. Completely agree. I can't believe I'm drunk and I made that point somehow. No, that was good.

You fucking stuck the landing on that. Is that one good? I want to try it. Oh, dude. Can I try a sip of it? Taste that. Yeah, it's great. I love a cucumber in a drink.

It's such a fine idea. I love a cucumber. Dude, you're killing such a fine idea. I love a cucumber. Dude, you're killing this. What is that called? That's the Cucumber Rush. Ooh. Holy shit, dude. And what a voice, too, huh?

I know. This guy's a hunk. Dude, this is so good. I shouldn't just because I'm on the thing, but I, you know. A small one. All right. That's what I said. Give me a taste, all right?

Good cocktail. Really seems to care. But the funny thing is, when that guy left me that long series of voicemail messages, he was like, you and me, little blue babies. Then he calls back. He's like, fuck Pete. Wow. I bet he's got a baby penis.

He's like, we're going to have two babies together. It's so funny that they'll literally go into fires together, but then they're like, yeah, I'll try to fuck your wife. I don't give a shit. The most fascinating thing, I play the whole thing for Pete. I'm like, well, your buddy, because he's so not jealous. I was like, he'll barely care about this. I play the entire thing. He's just dying laughing.

And later on, couldn't give a shit. Later on, I'm like, did you ever even mention that to him? If somebody did that to my boyfriend, I might like at least give him shit about it he's like nah I never did you know I totally get that but I do feel like

I always ask him I'm always like like if I how long would I have to go missing before you would look for me because I feel like it would be like no I don't think he would look for me immediately he's always emptying the dishwasher Because I feel like it would be like. No. I don't think he would look for me immediately. He's always emptying the dishwasher. I'm like, you would empty the dishwasher before you would look for me, right?

He's like, I might, I might. But also I do feel like that is partly related to the first responder thing. Like, it's like, whatever. He knows his friend's drunk, whatever. Like, when you deal with active emergencies to that extent, he's just like, nah. You know what I mean? And I love to give him shit about that. But the other side of it is he's just not jealous.

He's the only guy that's fully accepted my career. You don't have room for that shit when you're dealing with it. He doesn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's why we don't get offended about stuff either. Because we're like, oh, I didn't think I mattered. It's weird when somebody's like that bothered me i'm like well stuff bothers me all the time but i just move on oh we're into

like the when it comes to comedy we're like into the bdsm of totally you know we're into the dark end yeah that's our humor because we we went through open mics and we do right so we find we find dark shit funny so that when they like find, can you believe a comedian made this joke or laughed at this? And it's like, fucking yeah. Right. We're the people that would make that fucked up joke. Of course. Of course.

Like, Billy, you got my gender wrong. And I'm like, oh, sorry. But if you got my gender wrong, I'd be like, oh, yeah, I'm a guy. Like, I wouldn't think twice about it. You know, if I was on the phone, like, is this a woman? I'd be like, yeah, whatever. You know, that wouldn't bother me. But it's a thing now yeah everything's everything's good everything's fine

man shit i mean no it's like i really feel that way we talked about it last week but like you hear about how fucking divided we are and then you just go outside yes it looks all right to me sun is shining we'll say this people are always like like every time i i got into an uber the other day and the driver was like what do you think about this people getting offended by everything huh what do you think about that is it like he asked me what i did for a living and i made the mistake of telling him i was a comic and he's like he's like that's it yeah that's ridiculous huh and i'm like yeah no it is and then he's like and then they put you know what they put in this vaccine i'm like how did i cosign that's the problem i tell you what they got in there he's like i'll tell you what they got a chip to control your brain i'm like wow that is the

fucking that's the door to that next statement like he was just sure that i was gonna what if somebody just activated my brain i was like kill uber driver kill uber all right but i do feel like if you actually go out to crowds and when you're on the road it hasn't changed that much no life is pretty good and you and you talk to people and you're like most people are fucking cool

yeah there's like a blogger that's gonna get misunderstand something I've said sure but I feel like when you actually go out

there's just people that they're working too hard for this shit I know it's like what you guys were saying about privilege I do think that

people who are working super hard when you go on the road, they don't have time to give a shit. They kind of roll their eyes at it and yeah,

everything's fine. People have kids, they have jobs, they commute. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Kids, like you have three kids you think

you're fucking tweeting about a comedy special being offensive. Yeah. You're wiping shit. Exactly. Yes. Oh, your mom is sick.

There's always something going on. You got a mortgage. I feel Oh, your mom is sick. There's always something going on. You know, you got a mortgage. I feel like most people that have like multiple kids are like, they're already active alcoholics. I feel like a lot of my friends that have a lot of kids. That's how you have that many kids. You just start drinking heavily. My parents were.

I would think of Tom Papa's bit, how he used to drink at like bars. Now he drinks over the sink. Over the sink. That's hysterical. It's so funny. The sink is funny. What does he say? That's hysterical. It's so funny. The sink is funny. What does he say? That's so funny.

He has one of my favorite jokes. He's like, man, Tom Pobby got three kids. He got a wife at home. Man, oh man. What's the hardest part about doing the road? He's like,

well, the hardest part is not whistling while I pack. I love that bit. I mean, that is pitch perfect comedy. Yeah, he's a great comic. I'm shoddy again. Oh, no, you're not.

We're all doing great. You're drunk? That's the point of the pod. We come on, we have a few cocktails, we live a little. Cheap date, huh? I'll tell you. How do you hang with Pete? I mean, do you just sit and watch him down 12 Bud Light?

He doesn't drink. A lot of firefighters don't drink. Because they can't. It's just like a lot they see on the job. I've only seen him drinking. No, he stopped drinking a while ago, and he'd be more likely to smoke pot or something. Oh, that's the move now. Yeah.

Everybody's going to pot. I'm not a big pot guy. I'm not either. Me neither. It accentuates every quality I've been trying to erase. Exactly. We're very similar, the three of us. That's exactly what it does to me.

I think that's part of the reason we're all kind of close is because we've all, we all are like hanging at the bar to drink people and we have been since I've known both of you. Yeah, booze settles

the mean shit. Weed brings it up for me. Me too. I like start to get, think people don't like me and they want me to leave. Alcohol, I don't care if they don't like me.

I'm like, fuck you. Exactly. It softens the voices. Stuck a piece of shit. Alcohol, I don't care if they don't like me. I'm like, fuck you. Exactly. It softens the voices. Stuck a piece of shit. Yeah, I feel like especially like, I feel like neurotic Jews and I feel like you are one at heart with us. You really are.

I'll take it. Yes. I mean, I feel like those are the qualities we've been trying to iron out. That's what drinking does for us. Weed brings more of them up. I don't need that. No, there's a real supply and demand issue with those emotions that weed brings out in me.

But it must be a personality thing. Because some people are just like, I smoke weed. I feel great. I smoke weed when I wake up. It helps my day. I'm like, oh, my God. No. If you made me smoke weed in the morning, I would just go in the shower.

Oh, people who are like, it's like therapy to me. I'm like, oh, does it bring up your mother? Like, what the fuck? Like, what is weed doing for you? I know. For me, therapy is therapy. It's not fucking. No. Like, I would never say alcohol is therapy. does it bring up your mother like what the fuck like what is weed doing for you i know for me therapy is therapy it's not fucking no like this like i would never say alcohol is therapy yeah good point i mean it's a quick fix you know if you're going through it's a great short-term

solution that's the word i overthink everything and so weed's got me overly dissecting i'm like i need less dissecting in my life yeah i. I need to slice up miniature moments much less. But when I smoke weed, I'm just like in the corner, just kind of quaking, wondering if my roommate wants me to move out or not. And your roommate's your husband. I know. Yeah, no, I know what you guys mean. I start to think all the bad. Yeah.

The bad takes over. And then there's always that one guy who goes, you got right strain i'll tell you the strain again you're like ah i've tried them all they all suck this one i don't believe in the strain stuff they all make me actively paranoid this one relaxes you i'm like well i'm not okay yeah you gotta try this new weed strain maybe it's you that's a really good one. You know, my mind is not that, it really makes me realize I don't have like a stealthy mind. Like my mind is very,

like it's very fragile. As soon as I just have a little bit of weed, just a whisper, and I'm not okay. Because I don't have a waspy mom. I have a Jew mom. So my mom is never like hiding shit.

My mom is always like, my mom will never just like let shit go. She'll just say, Sam, we're not mad. We're just disappointed. I'm like, fuck. Like what does she get disappointed by? Oh, when I was a kid, I was just always drunk. And she was just always like, very disappointed in you.

I threw up at my sister's graduation. How old were you? Seventh grade. I vomited everywhere. And I vomited so hard that the blood vessels. That's such a funny thing to say to a kid post-vomit. I know. Disappointed is not the right...

The blood vessels popped in my face. Whoa. You got the red eye? Not just that, just spots all over my face. Wow. I vomited so hard. Holy moly. Well, that's scary for a mom to see.

Yeah. Wow. I was like, I'm disappointed you can't hold your booze. Disappointed is such a funny word for that. She's like, you're a pussy. Wow. He's like, I'm disappointed you can't hold your booze. Disappointed is such a funny word for that. He's like, you're a pussy. Damn. Do you have any recs, Rachel? Ooh, yeah.

What are you watching? What are you loving? What are you liking? I love murder. Yes. I like to watch, I don't know what that says about me, but I can't go to sleep until I've seen The Wise with Knives. Have you heard Norman's bit about true crime no oh yeah it's

an old bit about how i got caught watching uh gay porn for a second and she called me out and i was like well you watch murder and she's like well you're just doing that to uh she's like i just watched that so i know what to do if i ever get in that situation i'm like well that's why i'm watching gay porn that's hilarious why were you watching gay porn I made it up I wasn't I need a parallel For the bit That is a fascinating Premise to make up Like that is like

Well I have watched Gay porn That is such a window Into Norman's mind Oh you have I have Yeah just to like Let me try it

Let me be 100% sure I mean I've blown a guy I'm joking But yeah I watched it Just like let me see And it was way too aggressive Way too much dick And you know

Wasn't for me That's a great critique of gay porn There's too much dick Yes too much dick It didn't look right It's like going to a Thai restaurant And being like what's with all the noodles I hate noodles

I like my noodle That's it I like my noodle that's it I like my restaurant so what murder are you watching I loved well I loved Mindhunter

I love Happy Valley that's an incredible show amazing and I read the book it's one of the best books I've ever read in my life I started it I gotta

they didn't I'm so upset I think it has something to do with contracts or something because they were supposed to come back it's one of the best books I've ever read in my life.

Mindhunter is an incredible fucking book. I watch it because of you, too. It's so good. And I was actually. The guy's a badass. He was like solving crimes in his sleep. I find it all fascinating. He never slept.

And when he slept, he'd be like, let me try to solve it in my sleep. Yes, because he had so many cases. He was one of the guys that coined the term serial killer. Yes, because he had so many cases. He was one of the guys that coined the term serial killer, and he had solved so many serial killer-type homicides. And that was a mess of a sentence, but like I said, a pretty little lit. But he was brilliant.

And one of the chapters of the book, he explains how he could look at just crime scene photos and write up what's called a character profile. And he would be able to profile the perpetrator just by seeing the photos. He would say, don't tell me anything else about the case. I just need to see the photos. I don't want anything else in my mind. I just want to see the crime scene photos. And then he would see the photos.

And one of the cases he got, he said, the killer has a lisp. And he fucking did. How did he know that? Wow. He explains that. He's like, look look sometimes i'm wrong but there's different styles of killer and there's one style style of killer that comes that is basically amazing that mark just farted i hear murder i have my fart there's one that

it is like somebody that's self-conscious about something and that's why they kill so they approach the woman in a way that's either they're really ain't openly angry or they're self-conscious about something and that's why they kill so they approach the woman in a way that's either they're really ain't openly angry or they're self-conscious they're hiding and in this case he went through all the potential things a man could be hiding or self-conscious about and then decided that he thought he's like it was a guess that it was a lit and it was a fucking lisp but he and he would guess what color a car was a man would drive because he said a man would choose a certain color car for different reasons like i find that shit so that's amazing incredible fascinating and a lot of the guys that would be chosen to be in the fbi or the like cia at this time they would

be kind of c students and the fbi would ask you to go it because they would be good at something else probably i relate to this because i was like a d student but they were like there was some kind of inattentiveness to certain things but an attentiveness to other things that would make them kind of fbi tap them which is what they called it right time and they would just kind of tap him to be an fbi agent and they kind of watch the trajectory of him i just think that's so fascinating amazing wow first of all the people are watching you at all nobody's watched me for any period of my life. You say you're a bad student, but you're such a smart person.

I mean, you always like. I was a wild emergency moron. But you always have like the best take. Like also not just like you read a lot, but you feel like you're always. You always have like a great article to read. You always have great insight. No, you do. Oh, she doesn't like the comics. I know.

But it's like comics do this. A lot of them we know. I mean, probably ourselves included. We knock ourselves down a little bit. But anyway, so I can tell this is making you uncomfortable. You stink. You're the worst. Is that better?

I need it to try to internalize this. No, no, no. It's interesting. You've shared a lot of this murder stuff with me. And it's like, it is fascinating that you can just crack this shit. Like, a lot of these rapists have really tiny dicks, I think. Right. A lot of these, like, East Area rapists, that guy.

Oh, my God. That's a crazy story, right? And he would, like, snack after he would assault people. Oh, yeah. That's a crazy story, right? He would like snack after he would assault people. Oh yeah. And that's the kind of shit that I'm fascinated by. Terrible ad for Ruffalo's potato chips. Can't just have one. Like he would assault someone,

like hang out and make Andy's mac and cheese afterwards. I didn't know why he does that. To me, that makes me more nervous. Like don't look at my fridge. You can fuck me in the ass, but my cupboard is embarrassing. But I just find those types of insights so fascinating. For sure. To be the ass, but my cupboard is embarrassing. But I just find those types of insights

so fascinating. For sure. To be able to read people is the coolest skill in the whole world. And he, it is a fascinating. That's what we try

to do with comedy. Yes, you're right. That's probably why I admire it so much. Right. But I was a wild moron in school. Like,

they were doing, they did a lot of scans on me. I was always being scanned. Scanned? Scanned, like literally brain scans like suction cups on my head oh no because i was that dumb that people were like why is she like this we need an immediate solution or suggestion to how we can help her because they thought i had various different learning disabilities including something called figure ground where you can't tell the difference between one person speaking and a sea of voices but it was just that i was bored i guess by whatever the teacher was saying right um and then so we would that my parents were always scanning me and i remember

one time my my mom and dad arguing about me and i heard them in the middle of the night and my dad goes she's not normal carriage shit oh that'll keep you up at night huh and then my mom was like well we'll scan her again we'll keep scanning her we'll figure it out but i really believe that my emergency levels of stupidity were just infuriating and harming my entire family that's i had similar stuff i remember my mom fighting with my teacher in third grade and he was like he's special needs and she was like he's not he's not and then she's like let's get out of here and she grabbed me and ran out what so you really struggled in school too oh my god i i did this thing where uh we were circling instruments you know it'd be a page full of

objects like you know a hammer a nail a violin a piano a book bag or whatever and it said circle all the instruments like like musical instruments. So I circled them all, and then I circled a saw. And so they're like, well, you see, he's stupid. He circled a saw. And my mom was like, well, don't just call him stupid. Let's ask him why he circled a saw. Let's ask him why he's stupid.

Why are you an idiot? So she goes, why'd you circle the saw? And I said, I saw Marx Brothers movies where Chico plays a saw. And she was like, oh, well, there you go. Stop yelling at my kid and calling him a retard. He saw a movie. That's really cool that your mom asked that follow-up question. It's cool that you were into comedy at that age.

And they get into comedy. And it was the Marx Brothers, which is like pretty high-level comedy. Well, my mom was so out to lunch. I was like, I love comedy. I love Bill Murray. I love Chris Farley. And she's like, I got you. Out to lunch, streaming on YouTube right now.

Meaning like she got it for you? Yeah, she went and bought Marx Brothers VHS tapes. And I was like, eh. But I still watched it and I loved it. My mom got the Laurel and Hardy one. Oh, really? Yeah, I wanted Eddie Murphy or whatever, but she got that. I remember Eddie Murphy was the best.

Yeah. He's just one of those guys you knew immediately was like a wild star. Oh, yeah. There was nothing he was going to be but a star. He has it. If anyone has it, it's a young Eddie Murphy. But yeah, so I circled the saw and it was nice that she dug in a little. Like, why the saw?

Instead of just going stupid. That's so cool. That's so important. Yes. Like, that's so wonderful as a parent that she did that for you and that you remember it. Of course. It's those little moments, especially after so much rejection, like when I even smell a school, like when I was nannying and I have to go pick a kid up at a school. Yeah. It would just take me back to all that wild rejection and terrible feelings I had at school of just being such a failure. And I still remember, though, this one teacher that said to me, I was like in the bathroom and I was like washing my hands. And she was like, you know, you're smart.

And I was like paralyzed with fear at a compliment, just like I was just like, really? And she's like, yes, you say and write smart things. And then she walked out of the bathroom. And I'm like, that carried me through like 10 more years of my life and probably helped me be a comedian. Just that one person then just didn't see me as some kind of emergency level problem. Right. Same, same. Yeah. I think that's so important.

I know. We should wrap this. We gotta do a Patreon too. And we're going long, but- You're right. You're right. Rachel, plug, you have a new album out with Jessica Kirsten?

Yes. Jessica Kirsten is who's the funniest person ever. Love Kirsten. She's so hysterical. I just was with her- Great comment. In LA promoting our prank album. And it really took-

Prank? We made a prank album. And that's what got us through COVID. I was pregnant in COVID, married to a firefighter. She lost her dad. Her dad passed during COVID. And we just decided to go make these prank calls. Just do what we did when we were in high school that made us laugh.

It just took me back to that place of just before there was the business and all these other things just laughing with a friend and being silly and absurd and uh and we made a prank album and it's called the call girls and it's now for sale everywhere you can buy that kind of thing like spotify and itunes and apple music and everywhere else yeah jessica kirsten follow her too she's so funny one of the funniest or hardest follows in new york oh my God. She slays. Killed. What about She gets like

she got like two standing ovations in the same night when I was with her. Wow. Just did Rogan too. I feel like she's cooking. She's very much blowing up right now.

She's awesome man. I love her. That's a great photo. That's great. Or a drawing. How about club dates coming up? Any place people can see you on the road?

Yes. I'm in I can barely think right now um st louis and if you go to my website rachel-feinstein.com i haven't put up that site but i'm in a new i mean i haven't put up that specific gig but i think my next gig is a is a comedy festival in st louis i'm at the dc improv soon i'll add all that stuff too i haven't added either of those dates to my website but those are some other ones as well. Oh, I like this. Winnipeg, Spokane.

Oh, great club. Nice. What is this, DOS? Yes, and I'll be at the DC Improv and some other places. And if you're upstate, I'll be at this Poured Candle Bar upstate I think in like a couple weeks. Nice.

I'll post it all on Instagram. Just follow me on Instagram, Rachel. There you go. Rachel Feinstein underscore. Thanks, guys, for having me, and I'm real drunk. We love you. Mark, what do mark what do you got man oh i'm all over the road as well uh next week i'm i think i'm in portland oregon uh i'm in atlanta i'm in dr grins and grand rapids um boy i'm all over the place let's see what else are we cooking with uh

So we cooking with Laugh Boston, Love Boston, Brea, California, Vancouver, and New Orleans, Royal Oak, and yeah, Milwaukee. So yeah, check MarkNormanComedy.com. Watch our specials, out to lunch, get on the Patreon. Where are you going to be at, Fatty? Denver, Phoenix, San Francisco, Dallas, Miami, all over samorell.com slash shows. Yeah, I can't wait for all these gigs. So looking forward to it. See you guys soon.

Listen to the Patreon, patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. Leave us a nice review. Gotham Studios, always the best. Beard you, we love you. Yeah. And keep listening. We love you. Yes, hear, hear. And follow Rachel on everything social media, Rachel Feinstein. Yeah. Not the love you. Yeah. And keep listening. We love you. Yes. Hear, hear. And follow Rachel on everything social media.

Rachel Feinstein. Yeah. Not the sculptor. No. Fuck her. Fuck her. Fuck her. ༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱༱� Thank you.