We Might Be Drunk - Ep 48: Bubble Tea

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

This Episode is brought to you by Sheath Underwear, Boll & Branch and Honey! Send us emails [e-mail] Visit www.GothamPodcastStudio.com/WMBD to enter for free Sheath Underwear! Mark Normand and Sam Morril can be seen on the road at a club near you. Visit MarkNormandComedy.com and SamMorril.com for more details! Join the Patreon for bonus episodes weekly and more bonus content: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPodW Send us emails [e-mail]   Send us packages: Gotham Podcast Studio 39 West 38th Street, 10th Fl New York, NY 10018

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Ah! Here we are, folks! It's a balmy october day in new york city that the weather is changing i gotta put a light jacket on i did the premature jacket really well you know when you put a jacket on you're like i want to wear a jacket but it's not actually that cold yeah yeah i love new york in the fall you do the same thing with the shorts on the other side of the that's right yeah yeah that's a good point yeah and ejaculation i'm premature all over i i threw a jacket on but it's it's kind of chilly out today it's a little chilly and uh it'll probably keep dropping but i got a 1972 george

carlin uh some kind of special he he shot oh dude spin around show the people it's it's a nice jacket look at that it was a it was supposed to be a cartoon special but it never went through cartoon special yeah now tig notaro did that i know i know so i the only here's my issue with cartoon special because i've done cartoon clips and i posted them because i had this guy animated them people want your facial expressions that's true yeah it's kind of cool seeing it as a cartoon but it it doesn't hold up yeah you get like a 30 seconds oh that's fun that's what it is yeah like remember shorties watching shorties great idea but it just kind of didn't didn't didn't fly because you're like i want patrice you know i get it that it's a great story and he's a great storyteller but i want to see him it's also funny it was patrice you know i get it that it's a great story and he's a great storyteller but i want to

see him it's also funny it was patrice and dipolo as babies which is kind of great because that's funny softens right right their edge that's a good point so that i like that but yeah i want i just want to see the stand-up yeah the only thing cool about it is like i remember one was ted alexandro doing the gym and the guys looked like pigeons. Yeah. So you can actually see pigeon-y guys, and that part's fun, but- But the stand-up being acted out rarely works for me. Yeah.

You know what it's like? It's like when people go, the book was better, and you go, shut up. You pretentious queef. But the stand-up's better. You want to see it in your head. You want to let the words paint it. Now you're right. You're right.

Let's get in this. Ooh, what do you tell the folks at home when we're about to break the hymen on here? About to pop the cherry of this bubble tea. We're going no alcohol this week because, for one thing, I had to drink a lot to survive Springfield, Missouri. I hear that. How about you? Did you drink a lot this weekend? Yeah, I was in Rochester, so when in Rome, you got to really hit the sauce. Oh, that one. I think Rome was safer than Rochester is right now.

Yeah, less homosexuality. What the hell's going on? You got to pierce it. You got to take the sharp end. I know, but look how wide this is. Oh, it's for the balls. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's like my ex.

All right. You suck hard enough, you get the ball. I feel like we're in the wild here. I should have darted near you. Alright, let's do this. So, I don't even know what a bubble tea is. I know Asians like it. Are you serious? I know it's sweet. I know it's candy, but is it healthy?

Is it horrible? Is it diabetic? This is absolutely not healthy. Okay. It's pure sugar. Oh geez, great, we could've gotten a milkshake like a real American. This is different, dude. Damn, I can't pop this. Come on, you gotta use a little force.

It's like a Capri Sun. Do we have any KY jelly back there? This is the Asian Capri Sun. Oh my God, I got to the syrup at the bottom. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Oh, my God. I got to the syrup at the bottom. It's good, right? I mean, it's good,

but Jesus. Whoa, Sam finished early. I'll tell you. I'm going to love myself. I got a squirter. Oh, boy. There you go. Let me just get my nose

in this real quick. Sorry, Matt. Oh, there you go. Are you serious serious jesus christ what a guy what a peters gotham studios swooping in i should have said i'm sorry right before i did that all right wow this i mean this is too much this is for children oh that's yummy man i have a watermelon flavor on the bottom. What do you got? He got me green tea. Oh, no, this is pearl milk. Did we go pearl milk?

Did you give me a pearl necklace? I'll tell you. Pearl is the balls are called pearls. Oh, the balls are pearls. Pearl necklace. Yeah, there you go. Dude, that's really good. Yeah, I guess, but this is a treat.

This is like a good dessert. What do you think? What's a milkshake? Oh, okay. I always thought, you know, you hear tea. It's like, ah, it's a nice Asian beverage. This is fucking good, dude. Is this China, Japan, Thai?

What is the origin of the bubble tea? Squid game? What are we talking here? Did you finish it? Not yet. I'm almost there. I got to tell you, I'm a little disappointed. Really?

Mm-hmm. Man, everybody hates the ending of shows. Sprannos, Seinfeld, Squid Game. I don't like when it feels like more is promised. Uh-huh. They keep giving you little mor morsels and then you're kind of like all right well where i need a payoff for some of this yeah it just felt like if a show is going to be that violent i want a little more you know a little more substance at the end like

a message or a wrap-up are you up to are the vips there yet are the americans they're coming in the the cop guy that's when it goes downhill oh really okay yeah it's like look there's good moments it's it's it's look i can't argue with the fact that it's entertaining as hell yeah it's violent as shit i mean i read a book before bed last night and i slept like a baby and i was like oh maybe watching koreans getting executed every night is not helping my uh rem cycle yeah good point good point we're talking shot to the head just senseless you know meaningless killings that's my issue it's so meaningless i don't want to like more for the end but yeah i hear you it's it's kind of like lost this feels like lost the

whole country's in on it and it was this big thing and it keeps getting more and more complex and you're like i think they're they're laying track like you're like how do you how do you gonna figure this out and then before you know it you're at the end like we don't know what how do we got here well apparently the guy who created it wrote every episode i think that's a problem sometimes oh really sometimes you need another set of eyes on that you know interesting but uh yeah it's have you seen him in interviews? No. Because you watch it, you're like, this guy's so intelligent.

Then you read the interviews, you're kind of like, maybe he's not. I don't know. Oh, really? Once the Americans came in, it's kind of like, you're like, is this how the rest of the world sees us? Oh, shit. I didn't know Americans came in. Don't tell me too much.

Oh, shit. All right. You didn't hear him on the phone? You were up to that where he's on the phone speaking English. Oh, I have I didn't know Americans came in. Don't tell me too much. Oh, shit. All right. You didn't hear him on the phone? You were up to that where he's on the phone speaking English. Oh, I have it on dubbed. Oh, you can't watch it on dubbed? I like dubbed. Dubbed is odd.

I go dubbed and subtitles because I want the words. But the Americans come in. Well, I mean, they call us round eye, which already is fascinating because to them, our eyes are round. And to us, they're not. Isn't that wild? The way other people perceive you is interesting. Yeah.

Also, why isn't that a slur? Round eye? Yeah. I don't think it's nice. I mean, I don't mind it. Although, you know what the problem is? I think we don't see it as a slur because we're like, oh, good, we have round eyes. That's what it is.

That's exactly what it is. Yeah, we're like, you're good, we have round eyes. That's what it is. That's exactly what it is. Yeah, we're like, you're damn right we got round eyes. Americans are so full of ourselves that it's hard to insult us. That's what it is. It's kind of like Whitey. Like, hey, cracker, honky. You're like, and? Yeah, it's nice.

What's the problem? Well, you can't walk around saying you're the best all the time and then someone calls you how you see yourself and you're just like, yeah, it's great. Yeah, that's a good point yeah good point right like you know people make fun of black people's hair but nobody really makes fun of white hair i feel like i have the brillowy hair you you're in the middle you're like on the cusp of white and black yeah i'm in the middle for sure yeah how about you're like a little more whitey hair a little more white but i could i can got a toe in the jew pool yeah the jew pool we'll go we're going to dangerous territory all right all right but uh back this is squid games yeah it's like

it is it is entertaining but the more i watch it i'm like was i said was i seduced by the violence and the stakes and the colors yep and is the content not that great i think that's part of it that's kind of how i feel i'm like man this looks amazing yeah and the brilliance of the show is its simplicity it's just like people scared for their lives how do they get out of it are they gonna die are they not gonna die good guy bad guy it's so simple and i think it's easy to digest it's kind of like a viral video where a fat guy falls down the stairs on roller skates everybody gets nine hours yeah yeah exactly except at the end of the roller skate the spike smashes his head through you know yeah right dead but yeah i don't know man i'm i'm kind of like

you know nice i don't watch it because there's no diversity and stop asian hate i say that's the problem with the show yeah that was my big joke on over the weekend was like all we talk about is diversity there's zero and we had a whole month long of stop Asian hate. And now it's just like, let's eat popcorn and slaughter them. Well, they can hate each other. Oh, is that what it is? We can't hate them. That's interesting. Yeah.

They're allowed to hate. So then that means we don't really care about their violence or them dying. We just care about who's killing. Yeah. The source is the problem. Interesting. See, this is stuff that needs to be talked about. Oh, we're talking.

I love it. I love it. Dialogue, folks. Dialogue. Dubbed, the way Mark watches it. But what is that? What is that sound effect? Oh, sorry.

It's the damn tile on my wallet. So that was like the game where he got- Don't tell me. I haven't seen it. No, you saw it in the beginning where he's throwing the thing to make it flip over. Oh, yeah. That's right. Wow.

I forgot about that part. Yeah. Well, you forget the parts that aren't someone getting shot in the head. There's so much violence that you forget the nuance. But that's how you can get away with lack of nuance by just insane violence. Yeah. And it's also interesting. Look, we don't have to get too into it, but it's interesting how we all talk about, like,

your words are violent, those jokes are violent. This is violent, and no one cares. No one cares. There's not one article going, this is my child sees this, he can't sleep, Sam Morrill has to read a book at night so he can get REM. There's no articles, but it's the joke articles. Because they're characters, but... So are we.

On stage, kind of. On stage, but don't you think like on some level don't you feel like a pit in your stomach after watching this like yeah you don't feel good after seeing this no for sure and you want more you're almost bloodthirsty yeah you know you need more but people like it i think it's also got that twilight zoney lost thing it taps into something that that people love where it's like the unknown and Zone-y lost thing. It taps into something that people love, where it's like the unknown and scary and spooky and weird. And, you know, the times are weird.

You know, I think times are kooky, so we kind of relate to the guy in Squid Games. We're like, I feel like I'm trapped in something, and I can't say what I want to say and all this shit. So maybe there's something to that. There's more I want to talk about, but i want you to finish it all right all right but it's yeah it's pretty uh it's pretty crazy it's it's a look there's a lot i like about this show there's a lot where i'm just like i just don't feel that good after watching it's kind of like i get the feeling

like watching squid games that i do jacking off yeah to like a porno where you're just like you're like wow wow then the second you're done you're like well it is an asian guy getting finished off but you know what you got to do is you got to cut your squid game with a little ted lasso that's that's the that's the uh the black and the white that you need to make the nice what is it black and tan or what is that drink called black and tan yeah that you need to make the nice what is it black and tan or what is that drink called black and tan we should have those here by the way

new season of succession oh I forgot alright so we're doing these in advance so the premiere just came out last night and it was fucking good was it oh I'm gonna watch it today that might be the best show on TV I completely agree watching it today can't wait be the best show on tv i completely agree

watching it today can't wait totally forgot i was sifting around going what's going on today what do i got here lasso morning show squid game saints of newark because i steal cable so i got every channel i got every show and i forgot about succession god this podcast is getting pretty big to just announce you steal cable well come on you thought you know it's not that bad a crime yeah yeah it's like stealing wi-fi you'd never be like i mean i fuck kids you know exactly i'm not saying that out loud but um get that clip by the way oh no but uh wait what were we oh uh stealing cable no but succession i tell you my succession story that i auditioned for it what i never told you this no i don't think so years ago so you said the episode where the retreat and the stand-up comic it's pretty poorly written yes it's funny

when people try to write stand-up like the lines are like i feel like i'm in a grain silo being like why where's the wi-fi and you're like oh we could have punched this up i know but i remember going in being like i want this i feel like there's like a hacky comic i threw a blazer and a t-shirt on went in beautiful and they asked for my avails which means i think my agent was like i think you might have like when i was with hillary at the time she was like i think you i think you got this yeah they asked are you around next week oh my god and that so she was like that i think they want you and i was like this is my favorite show give me on and then and then they went uh nori davis who was that he was very good oh that's right he was really good he was good the lines are rough he makes them work but they're not it's weird yeah and he gave a little bit like

he's a cool black guy so it gave a little bit of like they would hire that guy you know because they're like this cool hip company like a tech company so that makes sense but damn that's close it was close i was bummed the avails that's like when a girl takes the bra strap off and then puts it back on you're like oh you tease it's close so close but uh yeah no that the show is killer man killer show funny guy wrote peep show is that right yes i didn't know that that's crazy two of the most different great shows ever wow that's almost like a simpsons thing where you can be incredibly silly and zany and smart comedy and have a great show man i didn't know that oh dude you know we got to watch matt can you pull that thing up

that i was talking to you about before? Because we were talking about Netflix shows and how they have to do the most obvious shit for the viewer now. Look at this scene. Watch this scene. I saw this on my friend David Angelo's Twitter timeline, and I was like, this is where shit's at. We got your side. Sausage, right? Yes, thank you. If you'd like anything else, we can have the cook whip up something in the kitchen.

No, we're good. Thank you. He could probably do an Asian chicken thing, if that sounds good. We've got some rice back there. We can have that made up. We are fine. Thank you. Suit yourself. Just trying to be nice. The over-the-top hillbilly waitress. Obviously, you're not from around here. Oregon, you mean.

America. I do have one question. What's your understanding of Chinese-Americans? Oh, boy. You call me a hip. Is this happening in 2021 in America? The Chinese came to this country. Oh, God.

This is so forced. Those were the only jobs open to them. And we weren't accepted as Americans, so much so that Congress passed the Chinese Exclusion Act, as well as the Gary Act, the only U.S. law ever to prevent naturalization on the basis of race. It wasn't until World War II, 61 years later, that we even had the option of becoming citizens, owning land, and marrying a white person. It may surprise you to know I'm as American as you are,

as well as my son, despite how we may look to you. So we're going to stick with the eggs and sausage. Ass. Ass. All right. I'm telling you, Asians are having a moment right now. Shin-Chi on Marvel, Squid Game, Crazy Rich Asians, Ronnie Chang, Bubble Tea. It's all been around. having a moment right now shin-shi on marvel squid game crazy rich asians ronnie chang bubble tea it's all been around but but look that uh that scene man that is like can you imagine writing

that and think you're like i'll show let me create a cartoon racist yes and then write the the most obvious monologue i know he just had that in his back pocket i mean come on you got to get that out of the diner how familiar are you with it and by the way that you're not connect you're not changing her mind with that right right you know what would change her mind maybe being like hey uh you know it's not very nice to say let me uh let me whip out some academic uh let me let me whip out some some history on you to just reveal what a dumb waitress you are i know is this me by the way used to make um used to make shows where they were like being racist was like a minor part of a character right it

wasn't the entire care it wasn't their entire person that's not how racists are they're not just like jew asian jew jew jew that's not they you know how they are they're like jack nicholson in as good as it gets yes well he'll say something homophobic or anti-semitic but he's got other qualities yeah that's how racism is that's a great point so true although you just described my set list but yeah you're right that's that's true they don't just come out and they would probably go in the kitchen go a couple asians out there we should give them an egg roll you know that's really in the words of bill burr racism is quiet right you know it's not just like hey what are these black guys doing here at this bar get out of here what is that i don't even know what the hell. Orange chicken in a fucking diner?

I know. That's like the laziest racism I've ever seen. Yeah, that was bad, bad writing. They just had to get that spiel out. Maybe Ted Sarandos, the CEO, is still under the hot water with Chappelle, and he's like, we got to get this in. We got to get all the racism explaining and the I've learned and all that shit. Get it out there.

That was tough. Man, I'm eating here. In like 20 years, there's going to be a scene like that, but for trans people. In 2021, we were under fire from comedian Dave Chappelle, but we fought back. That's great. What do you serve a trans person? What does the racist diner lady say to a trans person? Do you want to...

I don't even know. What is a non-binary meal, you know? Maybe like something like a butterfly, like it changes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. I don't know. I don't know. That's a tough one.

We got this for the studio. Woo-hoo! Rapping Rodney. From Springfield, Missouri. Man, Rodney did it all. He did cartoons. He did stand-up. He rapped.

He did movies. He did TV. What couldn't he do? This is going to look good somewhere. We'll figure it out. Yeah. Rapping Rodney. People are sending wall stuff.

We got a bunch of joke books. Look at that. Playboy party joke. That looks old as shit. We should read some of those. We probably should, yeah. Can we do a quick clip of rapping rodney it's on youtube it's so good this is rodney cashing in on in 83 of the i guess rap was fresh and new and his agent was like rodney all right can you rap he's like how could it be you you know? You put together a few words, you do a few jokes. All right.

Oh, yeah. Rapping Rodney. I tell you I'm all right now, but last week I was in rough shape. Wow. I'm going to break with nothing. He's just doing his act. I played hide and seek when I was three. No respect.

No respect. Why they would even look for me. No respect. No respect. I was an ugly kid, I never had fun No respect They took me to a dog show and I won No respect

When I was born I brought the dog Oh, look at these extras A gig's a gig My old man said he wanted a boy No respect You gotta hit the like 55 seconds in or so When the chorus starts Oh god, they're all dancing You got to hit the like 55 seconds in or so when the chorus starts.

Oh, God, they're all dancing. Woo! Oh, man. Boy, how things have changed. I mean, you get the point. That is solid. Yeah, it's pretty great. Can we do that with New Quick?

Can we get a Tig Notaro doing mumble rap? Let's keep it going. This is like... Mulaney in autotune. Mulaney might work with that voice. That's true. That's true. Man, there you go. Look, it's a bunch of...

It's a whole series. Who sent these in there's a note up there i should give the guy a shout out hang on hang on playboy party jokes should i read one yeah oh this is from jared hughes out of dallas thank you antique joke books that i thought you might enjoy for the studio. Thank you. These aren't like short jokes. Oh, damn. I sent jokes in. Somebody told me if you send a joke in to Playboy,

you get $100. And in college, I wrote like 20 jokes and sent them all in. Did you ever get in? No, I never wrote back. But that was my big attempt. That was back in the day when I would go to open mics, watch, and not go on because I was too scared. Yeah, I did that sometimes.

Yeah. A much-married Hollywood leading man was confronted by a pretty brunette at the premiere of his latest picture. Don't you remember me? She enthused. Three years ago, you asked me to marry you. Oh, really? Said the blase actor. And did you?

Nah. That's not bad. Not bad. And did you? That's all right. Yeah yeah these are some short ones the english language is called the mother tongue because father never gets a chance to use it all right these are just tweets uh huh all right yeah these aren't great we had a woman down home that was married nine times

she didn't like men but she was crazy about wedding cake these aren't great yikes man being a comic is hard now it's hard yeah it's uh yeah these it's all the same joke the dazzling movie star was applying for her passport. Unmarried as the clerk? Occasionally, answered she. It's okay. There you go. It's like a good line in a noir.

It's not like a great standalone joke. All right, here we go. A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men at the bar asked him, What happened? I did a horrible thing, sniveled the drunk. Just a few hours ago, I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of scotch. Oh, man, that is awful, said the other guy.

And now she's gone, and I want her back. Right? You're sorry you sold her because you realized too late that you love her, right? Oh, no, said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again. It's a long way to go. That's not great. Oh, wow, we got a racist uh rendition there

that's fun all right all right i feel like this is bad a man has reached an old age where he can't take yes for an answer these stink that's actually not bad these stink all right so tell me about uh the the sin city which is Springfield, Missouri. Good club. Small city. Interesting. I mean, it's so weird to go from New York to Missouri where you're like, COVID is still a thing here, and then you go there, and they're like, oh, we're not. We're keeping the shop

open. If Grandpa dies, he dies. Oh, yeah. It's definitely, you know. Definitely not. Missouri is a weird place. It's a different world. I mean, it takes two flights a weird place. It's a different world. I mean, it takes two flights to get there. It's a tiny airport. It's a culture shock.

I'm done with these two flights, man. Because even if you get upgraded, you're like. You still got to. You're still smushed. You're smushed and you're still like, oh, I have to focus. Like, I just landed in Chicago and now I got to find Terminal B. Oh, dude, I barely made the flight back. You see?

Now I got to find Terminal B. Oh, dude, I barely made the flight back. You see? Because we landed at like 234. And my next flight yesterday was boarding at 230. Oh. And it's Atlanta. I'm on the other end of the airport.

Oh. I had to sprint. It was like Terminal D. And then my next flight was in Terminal T. Ah. I'm like, why not just say Z at that point fuck you're fucking me i was sprinting i and you're doing that thing where you're like weaving through people with two heavy bags and people on their phone it's like a fucking zombie video game you're just weaving i finally get to the gate and i'm boarding uh i got lucky i got upgraded so i wouldn't have been able to get my

bag on they had to check all the stuff. Oh, wow. So I get on when the last group is boarding. Delta. It was like fucking Indiana Jones, dude. I just sweeped under, grabbed my hat. It's always nice when you're, because the boarding process takes a while because everybody's so fat. And then there's like the guy in the rascal.

There's the old lady. Yeah. So it takes a while. And that actually helps you because you're like, oh, you see the lady arguing at the desk you're like great occupy them while i run here it's like when we were young comics you know when you book like six spots on a on a saturday in the city and you're running late to a spot and you look on who's before you and it's a comic who always goes long goes long you're like thank god this guy doesn't respect the show i'm gonna make it you know but Exactly. But when you're on time, you hate that guy.

Oh, yeah, I hate him because then you don't make the next spot. Right, but sometimes it helps. But, yeah, man, Springfield was cool. We definitely saw Nate Bargatze there the first night. He was in the theater, so it was great to see him. So funny, man. Love Nate. I did his podcast in Nashville.

Hardest thing I've ever done. Why? Well, I love Nate. He's the funniest guy. He's a great comic, but he's clean. Yeah. And my whole joke repertoire is just queef and anal and Jews and this. And it's just I sat in that chair just second guessing everything I say because I don't want to be myself. You panic and you're like, oh, it reminds me of this woman from Nantucket. Yeah, exactly, oh, shit. Yeah, exactly.

And it felt like I was eating dinner when I was 11 with my friend's parents. And you're like, yes, yes. Yes, Mrs. Johnson. I'm having a good school year. Yeah, I'm studying, you know. But, I mean. You must have struggled with those. Oh, I was a mess.

Did you make fucked up jokes in front of your friend's parents? I tried not to, but you slip out. And plus, I had a fart machine as a kid. We're going, you know, that whole thing. So I was just like, don't touch it. Took everything I had. And yeah, it was tough. And a lot of the parents were like, Mark's a bad influence.

Really? Our son needs to go to church and all that shit. Yeah, yeah. Damn. Well, that was louisiana in the 90s different world but yeah yeah and then i started skateboarding and a lot of the parents are like that's you know what are they pagan punks who are these kids you know pagan yeah that was a weird time what uh man so nate was great to see nate his new materials killer

in the theater it's cool man. Oh, you saw this material? Yeah. Oh, wow. I got the first 30 minutes. I had to change hotels that night. I see a pattern. I need a nice hotel. You're the hotel guy now.

Well, when you're on the road every week, man, you need a decent hotel. It was run down and dirty. I'm just kind of like, I don't want a beer for three nights. I'm on the road. I'm already away from home every week. Did they give you gruff? Did they go, all right, Diana Ross, I'll see you at the army of like, I don't want a beer for three nights. I'm on the road. I'm already away from home every week. Do they give you gruff? Do they go, alright, Diana Ross, I'll see you at the army? No, he didn't. It's kind of, I'm like,

you want to see the room? They're like, no, we can't. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't think so. I think I know that hotel. Yeah. That he puts you in. It's not great. It's not great. Yeah, I remember that. And he's a nice guy. He's a nice guy. Part of Kanye West. Tried to get Kanye West on the ballot. That's right.

So this is who we're dealing with as a club owner. That says everything about the guy right there. Open-minded, but still weird. Oh, yeah. There's such a thing as too open-minded. Yeah, pedophiles. Yeah. Way too open-minded.

But, yeah. They might be closed-minded, though. How do you mean? Because they don't want to go over. Oh, though. How do you mean? Because they don't want to go over. Oh, yeah. Pedophiles, you think they play blackjack and they get to over 16 and they won't? I'm out. I'm out.

They're like, hit on 11. Give me another 11. But wait, so how were the shows? Shows were good. I did get some of those crowds that were, I mean, the late show Saturday, I've never seen a drunker crowd in weeks i mean wow i mean i shouldn't have said never because we've been doing this forever but yeah it's been a while i mean they were the one woman in the front row it's gonna be a funny clip

uh she was like playing with her breasts oh she's a mom with her kids she was like heckling me playing with her breasts i was like what the hell is wrong with you damn then she uh then she by the way i was like she's good you know you know, you're going to be a problem. You're already groping yourself in the front row. And her daughter's like, mom, stop. Whoa. And I'm teasing her a little. And then toward the end of the show, she goes, Jew.

That's her heckle. Jew. And you can tell the crowd's like, what the fuck? Whoa. Because they're kind of like, she's repping our city here. Yeah, yeah. This is a Jew from New York. I'm kind of like laughing.

I'm just like, I mean, this is. Wow. As you said, I don't think this is real racism. I know. You just said no one does that. So I was kind of laughing. Well, I was like, I don't think it's, I think she's hammered and trying to get attention. I wasn't like, I wasn't like this woman hates Jews.

She's clearly, I mean, she's doing the boob juggle and yelling slurs, not slurs, but she's yelling your group at you. That's crazy. Yeah, I mean, if you're playing with yourself right before the slur, I'm kind of like, eh, she's probably not in the right mind. By the way, it's not a slur.

It's just what I am. Sure, sure. But if you're like, black, black, it looks bad. It ain't good. But this is the difference between men and women. You're like, look at this fucking douche. And if a're like, black, black, it looks bad. It ain't good. But this is the difference between men and women. You're like, look at this fucking douche. And if a guy was playing with his dick and yelling, Chinese, Chinese, I mean, that would be a different, that would be a headline. That would be the front page of CNN right there.

But it wouldn't make the paper in Springfield. Because it does happen. She's the mayor. No, she's the mayor. Dude, it was definitely one of those things. And then she kept yelling out, I'm German.

I'm German. I was like, I was like, this is weird. A little threatening. Yeah, I teased, I shit on her pretty hard. It'll make a funny post.

Thank God for the camera because now you can weaponize, not weaponize, but you can take back the power there. Take back the night, baby. Yeah, because any other time you're in the middle of nowhere you're the only jew in 100 miles and you're getting called a jew she's playing with her tits drunk crowd and you're like i just gotta eat this but now you can capitalize well it's weird because that we've

talked about it but like you can't tell who's the jew always sure but i asked i was like are there any other jews here there wasn't any noise i was like all right this is gonna turn into that scene in porkies pretty quickly yeah i did a thing on my netflix which who knows if they'll keep in but i did a jewish joke and i go are there any jews here and one guy went whoo and i went get him and it killed and it's funny because that is so overtly overtly racist and bigoted that it's obviously a joke yeah isn't that weird like if you go hey so uh hispanic people do this we were like i don't know but if you go get that jew kill him they're like well yeah i mean that's just how it always goes when it's like on the line right i mean that's why if you do an abortion joke or something

and it's just kind of like in the middle, it doesn't hit. But if you go real hard, it'll hit. Jezzelnik is a perfect example of that. He's talking about dead babies and shit. And everybody's like, this is great. Yeah. Springfield, it had moments. It was definitely some crowds.

I'm like, they're fucking drunk. Yeah. They've done a great job with the club, though. The club is very cool. The guy really cares. He does care. That's really all it comes down to folks if you think about running a show or running a comedy club all you need is a little i was texting with mackie over the weekend he was at the sandman which is apparently a new club yeah i'm supposed to be there in january he loved it he's like it's great uh the guy really gives a shit that's all that matters like yes i

was in rochester the guy's got a blazer on he picks you up yeah market bolido great club great guy you could tell they're really trying and he's like seating everybody himself and tearing tickets and kicking people out himself like he's he's in hands on nice oh yeah he's a great that's a good club good club big room yeah it's big but i bet you did well big room well it's a he's a great guy. That's a good club. Good club. Big room. Yeah, it's big. But I bet you did well. Big room? Well, it's a big room because it's hard to wrangle sometimes. We did pretty well.

But the two late shows, Friday late show, Saturday late show, were slug fest. I mean, one guy, I have a video of it. I'm stealing your thing where I'm just filming everything now. And this guy goes, I go, anybody have any questions? I'm about to get out of here. I've kind of been bombing the whole night, getting a little here, a little there, a lot of drunk. One guy was sleeping. And I go, one guy goes, can I get emotional?

And I went, oh, boy. And the whole crowd loses it. And he goes, Mark. And he starts walking towards the stage. He gets on the stage. And I'm like, dude, what are you doing? And I wasn't scared because he was like shit-faced. He was blacked out. And they just grabbed him. The security just ran on stage and grabbed him. He gets on the stage, and I'm like, dude, what are you doing? And I wasn't scared because he was like shit-faced. He was blacked out, and they just grabbed him.

The security just ran on stage and grabbed him. He's just a big fan of yours. Yeah, yeah, and you're like, what are you doing? You've been heckling me the whole show. Your girl's on the phone. Your friend's sleeping. You're like an inch away from yakking, and you're like, finally, my moment. He comes on stage with his arms open, and I did a whole thing like, Dad, you got to stop coming out. You know, whatever it was.

But it was wild. That's crazy, man. Yeah. Because if he is a big fan of yours, which clearly he is, that next morning, they're going to be like, dude. You hope. You don't want to know what you did. I know. You rushed the stage.

Well, I'll tag you when the video comes out fatty because uh i want you to see it we had another guy in the front row you're gonna blur the face or no no well it's his it he walked up so it's his back so you can't really see him but he he got manhandled pretty good by two big big bouncers but i love that the clubs have bad not every club is i know i know and they're like it's like yeah this is why so i don't have to fucking yeah deal with this myself. I have no fear on that stage. This guy's coming towards me. He's kind of like a townie guy. He's got a Raiders hat on and a big puppy jacket.

I do have fear on stage. This guy was coming at me. I'm like, what is he going to do? I mean, I got bouncers here. I can just swing at him or kick him in the balls. I don't know. I'm in Missouri three times in the last three months. So, yeah i i've definitely

i've definitely had fear i've definitely like am i gonna i make the wrong abortion joke am i gonna go out like peter finch in the end of network i mean just two dudes stand up right right um you're mad as hell i don't know man i i i know what you mean you do feel invincible sometimes but also like if you are scared you can't show it because then the crowd's gonna get uncomfortable and they're gonna so like yeah i've definitely been up there and i'm like i'm a little scared yeah well you ever seen that clip of dj youngfly no i don't know you're familiar with this guy's work he's an artist this guy is huge he's just like in the black scene or whatever you want to call it the urban scene but he's huge and he's super funny but he's like he's like a while and out guy but he's from oh yeah yeah and this guy there's a video of him this guy comes on stage and he's like you sure you want to do this and the guy's like let's go

and he knocks him out and then goes back to his act and the guy's just laying there i'm sure you can find the clip but it was all over tmz that's the last scene of the of the movie the guy he's laying there and then you see him his hand moving a little bit yeah that's and that's what that's gonna go to credits there's a sequel right right but i just love that this guy's like the real deal and people what is that thing about comics where people just like it's the same with elmo or or mickey mouse or goofy at the fucking uh disneyland people just think they can go up and kick you in the ass. You get those guys.

That's another reason I don't do meet and greets anymore. It's always that one douche who ruins it for everybody. Yeah. Who will grab your ass or something or grab your stomach, and you're like, what are you doing? Yeah. I'm here to meet you guys. I know. What the fuck's wrong with you?

And I'm still a person. And then you get those kind of like bro-y douches, and you're like. The headlock guy. And you're like, I'm out. Yeah. What the fuck's wrong with you? And I'm still a person. And then you get those kind of like bro-y douches and you're like. The headlock guy. And you're like, I'm out. Yeah. Well, what are you doing? But I don't know if you can find the actual knockout, but it should all be on tape. But we'll post that up on, we might be.

Well, Jim Jeffries had the thing where the guy went up and punched him and it went viral. That kind of broke him, I think. But look, everybody's. Physically and emotionally. Yeah. But yeah, so this kid in the front row kept doing- You ever had the supportive heckle, but it's still throwing you off? Yeah.

This kid in the front row, cute kid, blonde kid. He was like, where's Joe? And you're like, all right, man, I'm in the middle of a joke about slavery or something. Where's Joe? At another place what do you mean what do you mean where i know it's brutal then he's like how's the beamer like right in the middle of a bit you're like ah the bit is ruined now i'm doing like a chunk on marriage and it's just ruined well those are like the podcast fans are different than the stand-up fans yeah the

stand-up fans kind of know how to be yeah exactly but then and then your people there's like a crossover but then there's the podcast people and they're just like where's fat cat like and you're like exactly trying to do a story i know and a joke is like a boner like one phone call from mom and it's gone you know and that's what these guys do that the phone rings and you yeah you know you go limp but yeah I got that guy and they threw him out eventually. But he bought a shirt after and he apologized. Wow. So that is rare.

I never had that. Are you doing meet and greets? I do a little bit. A little bit. I wait for like 80% of the crowd to leave and then I sell shirts. Yeah, they're mostly rough. Oh, yeah. Those wear you out more. and what's cool is some guys

are like i know you hate this but we appreciate them like i appreciate that i hate them i did i did them for a while and then i'm just like uh because if i get covid then i'm just i i miss the next weekend no it makes sense i don't want i don't want to and that's the thing is like the places you go where they give the least a fuck about covid or the one like i don't you think i want to miss chicago because fucking springfield is like we don't give a shit that makes sense i'm like well you want to miss work yeah yeah i don't i like work and i need it it pays the bills yeah baby i saw seinfeld in college i was in baton rouge louisiana and i was at baton rouge community college seinfeld came to town the girl i was dating

at the time bought tickets. It was the biggest moment of my life. Wow. It was in some giant theater. This was like 2001. The show had just ended. He was the biggest thing on the planet. He was like Elvis.

And I remember he came out, and it was like, I remember he ran out on stage and went, and I remember like, oh, my God, it hit me. Like, there he is. That's the guy. And then he did a killer act. I still remember some of the bits, but at the end he did a Q&A. And I was too scared and I had nosebleed seats, so I couldn't reach him.

But one guy I remember went, where's Kramer? And he went, sir, he's not real. And I was like, murdered. It's like those people at the height of Chpelle show who just like they're at the show and they're like i'm rick james bitch and he's just like yeah dude i mean i think his line was yeah motherfucker i wrote it ah i know but it just shows like well comedy's about people so there's people those drunks that don't get that this is about momentum and timing and like you're just that doesn't help no no and we can deal deal with it, but now the show is a different thing.

Exactly. How about that guy? He comes up to you later like, I'm the guy who called you a homo, and then you spun it. You're welcome. You're like, yeah, thanks. I don't know what they're expecting. We'll be like, hey, let's take this on the road. That was your test, and you passed, buddy.

Exactly. These little tapioca balls. I like the balls. I don't love the tea. Really? Well, first of all, let's break this down. Yeah. I got a pile of sweet, sugary syrup at the bottom.

Uh-huh. Then milk, and then ice. It's a weird mix. Yeah. Why the hell is he putting milk and ice together? Milkshake? Eh, you got a point. At least you grind it up a little.

I got cubes of ice floating in my milk, but then with on the bottom it's a very strange mix well the show is about embracing new cultures not breaking them down mark i'm bray i'm bracing yeah you sound like that waitress and uh and woo assassins yeah uh the chinese have a proud privilege uh heritage i said privilege oh my god i'm mixing all the words up i'm brain dead i'm brain dead from this travel yeah it'll get you yeah had the uh rochester 48 minute flight four hour delay so you're like god i'm so close i just want to get done and then you sit at the airport for six hours. That's brutal. Yeah. God damn. 48 minute flight though. I know. I know.

Had a weird one. I was sitting next to, you ever have the thing where, what do they call it? The dead head? Yeah. Where there's like another pilot on the flight. Oh.

You ever seen that? Is it dead head? Dead head is like a Grateful Dead thing. Oh, dead seat. It's called something. The dead seat? Nah. It's a great name for on a flight.

This became Squid Games. Yeah, that's what they're going to call the window, the exit row from now on. This is the dead seat, because if we go down, what does that call where a pilot sits on it? There's a term for that. Dead, red dead redemption, dead set. No, shit, maybe it's not even dead. Head, either way, the pilot another pilot sitting next to me and the uh flight attendant came up and she goes so uh we need this seat do you mind

taking the jump seat and the jump seat is that weird little flappy labia that flops down off the wall and you have to sit on it like that awful yeah do you sit there no no him because they're like you're we're kind of throwing you a bone here by giving you this flight you're a pilot but we got a customer that needs a seat and she was like do you mind and he goes i do and i was like oh so i'm just sitting there like oh god and what happened and she goes well this person a flight, and this is in the procedure. Like, if you know if someone needs a seat, you got to get off. And he was like, ugh, fine.

He was like this real cunty, kind of whiny guy. 48-minute flight only, too. I know. Like, sucking up. He had his headphones in. He's doing like the, what? No. I hate that move.

And she was like, eventually she was like, all right, sir. Being a flight attendant is pretty rough now i know you because you just have to walk up to people the whole time be like sir your mask i know sir i know your but your mask is here it needs to be here that's your whole day or then you know it's already a fucking horrible you know that job must be tough on your body just always bending over trying oh yeah i just think like you know putting the luggage up now you're just dealing with unruly customers all day like you already did but now it's like because people people are cranky when they fly oh yeah i mean you're basically like uh like tech

support but in person you're dealing with that energy all day yeah and being a waiter at the same time yeah it's all it's a tough job. Tough job. Yeah. I think that's why flight attendants used to be like hot and nice, and now they're mean and gay. It's just like, they're cranky. They deal, and I don't blame them, you know? Yeah. They used to be like, sir, do you want anything?

And they're like, sit your ass down. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. I had a cool flight attendant on the way there i got i got recognized by him he was oh nice but he goes he goes you're an actor and i was like i'm a comedian he goes the eye i noticed the eyebrows even with the mask i noticed i was like all right he was very nice he was the whole the whole time he's like can i get anything else i'm like no i'm good but then

you know coffee after coffee i do like four coffees on those flights. Whoa. I find three. They're so weak. They're weak. They're weak, yeah. Man, four coffees on a flight. Three usually.

That's impressive. I just, man, it's, you fly so, we fly so much. Yeah, we really do. I guess the dehydration, it's like, that's bad. You're getting dehydrated just from flying, but. I know. Those little waters aren't doing shit. How would they give you a seltzer this big?

I know. That's not doing anything. Yeah, brutal. Especially when you're hungover and you're like, just keep the water coming. I need like a gallon of water. I drink on flights. If I'm flying to the gig the day before, I definitely will have a few drinks. Oh, yeah. You got to take the edge off.

That is a good feeling when you're in first class or Delta Com and just got that that gin and soda or whatever the fuck it is is that where you go to usually i usually do that because it's bubbly you know i like a scotch or a whiskey but i want a little bubble i want a little wine on one of those shitty wine it's kind of fun to get shitty wine drunk you ever gone international it's free wine it's free wine on on delta oh is it yeah as many as you want booze is free yeah oh this is actually what my bit is about oh yeah well i'll save the bit for later okay okay uh give me give me a wreck oh yeah hey folks we might be drunk is excited to welcome our new sponsor good old bowl and branch baby no one wants to shop for new sheets in the store you end up ripping all the packages open just to feel how

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Get honey for free at joinhoney.com slash drunk. That's joinhoney.com slash drunk. And get that honey, baby. Yeah. I want to wreck this and i hope i haven't done this already but free cheap and easy and no one does it it's it's seen as a chore you're gonna say uh looting your local cvs by the way the toilet paper hack is taking over the world. I'm getting all nice messages. People are sending me, look at this charm.

Not from the hotels. No, the hotels hate me. By the way, the stealing. Have you been to a CVS lately? It's like they lock up the Tide Pods now. Everything's locked. Literally, everything's locked. It's 2 a.m.

You're like, hey, can you get the toothpaste out? Yeah, I'm sorry. Deodorant, erasers. The deodorant one. Is that because people are just going in and trying it on? I think hobos just and then get out of there, I assume. I would think that would be the one nice thing about being a hobo is you can just full on let yourself go. That's true.

Yeah. Might as well. I don't know. So what's this hack? Well, it's going to sound lack lackluster but it's good for you it's low impact it gets the brain moving it gets your creativity juices flowing yeah take a walk that's it that's it thank you grandpa well everybody's like oh how far is it uh should we drive can we get an uber if it's a 15-minute walk, do yourself a favor and take it.

You'll live longer. I know it's- It's New York. We're living in New York. Everyone's doing this. I'm talking to these queefs out in Missouri and Des Moines and Kansas. All right. Take a walk.

I love a walk. I want 10,000 steps a day. Wow. Yeah. Get up. Get out. Walk to the post office. Walk to the store. Walk. Yeah, like get up, get out, walk to the post office, walk to the store, listen to a podcast and just walk.

It's good for you. Yeah, that's good. Every time you have to do a phone call, walk and talk. Smart. And then you'll kill the phone toll. It's great. Damn. Low impact.

I know. I think you're right. And, you know, people run on a treadmill. Apparently that's really bad for your limbs and joints and whatnot. So walking, though, low impact, but still burning calorie. You don't even think about it. Gets the mind going. I walk when I do jokes.

Yeah, it's smart. You told me that. You pace. I pace back and forth. I look like a psycho, but it helps. Interesting. Yeah. I mean, I walk a lot.

Yeah. I'm a big walker, especially if I go to another city. I'll walk Mm-hmm. I like a good walk find whatever whatever good coffee shop is in the area. That's my my move Yeah, you just put it in the maps and give yourself a goal sometimes be like 30 minutes You're like, but what else am I doing? Yeah, cuz a lot of people go I got four hours to kill I'll watch a show. I'll watch a movie. I'll I'll read but if just walk, now you're exercising and killing time. I don't know. You could also do a walk in an audio book.

There you go. Audio book is kind of like a podcast. And get a coffee and walk, get a smoothie and walk. A bubble tea. Bubble tea. Wildly underrated. And I think people with the pounds would just melt off people too. What was the Jared Fogle way?

Aha! Wow, he was burning calories at the playground, too. I'm sure chasing kids is a real cardio. I'm sure having to keep 500 feet away from any school constantly has you on the move. Yeah. All right, what's your rec? I have a few. Well, first off, I have a toast.

Ooh, I love a toast. A toast is a weird one, too. Please. The clear coffee mug. I love a clear coffee mug. You can see the color of it. Look, I love a diner mug. I love those diner mugs, but I had a clear coffee mug recently.

I love it. And they put the milk in, and I was like, isn't that nice? It's a little classier, too, somehow. It just looks good. All the trashiest kids in my public school had clear backpacks. And I'm like, what are you just saying? Mug me? You know, you got your beeper in there.

You got your phone in there. You got your money in there. But this, I get. No, it's kind of nice. I love it. I think rich people go clear. I've never owned one. The hotel I was in had clear coffee mugs.

That's a great great observation i love that i love when you go outside the box here's my wreck sam's going clear good done clear good leonard cone line uh uh famous rent blue raincoat did he ever go clear oh remember that from that song no i don't know great great tune. He's a good writer. Great writer. So my book, started a book, speaking of, it's really good. It's called A Drink Before the War. It's a Dennis Lehane book. You guys probably know who he is. A lot of his stuff got turned into movies.

Oh, really? Gone Baby Gone, Mystic River. Oh, wow. He's a bad guy. He might have done the departed too i mean he's done so any boston yeah crime thing he did okay all right he's great um pretty dark pretty dark fun feels like a classic noir but uh it's really good and it's as i said man you read before bed you just sleep better it really really does help. Literally watching a Korean massacre every night before bed.

Yeah. Wondering why I'm like my heart's racing. I know, right? Also just staring at a screen. We stare at screens all day. You got to shut the screens off. That's another wreck. Shut off the fucking screen.

Hear, hear. You got that right. Not now. You got to finish the episode. But at some point. Yeah. When you see that, you ever see your screen time episode but at some point yeah when you see that you ever see your screen time and you want to kill yourself i can't look i don't i don't want

to know it's embarrassing it's brutal it's like looking at your porn search history like after you jerk off you're like i gotta get my life together you're gonna be on your deathbed and the time is gonna flash before your eyes and it's to be you just doing this. Oh, God, you're right. I remember talking about that meme I saw where it was an old guy on his deathbed, and he goes, oh, shit. He goes, my one regret, spending more time on Twitter. I wish I had done that. Nobody's going to think that, but we spend so much time on all this bullshit. Ah, fuck my ass.

I don't love that one anyway. All right, it's gone give me rapping rodney rapping rodney i'm putting that up there sorry uh men of night or whoever that was yeah i like that one better anyway all right what about um hmm all right so that's a good wreck good wreck screen time down reading up and get yourself a clear cup. Yeah, I got to get one. I like it. I think it's a great move.

Clear cup is fun. It's also fun if you're like, you know, I'm a coffee drinker, but if you like tea, it's kind of fun to see the color of the tea, I think. I agree. I agree. And I'll give you another rec that I just thought of now that you mentioned your clear cup is candles. I know I sound like some holistic cum guzzler. I love them. I love them, too. They don't do anything.

I mean, they smell better, but they just add something. This guy, Hangover Candle Company. Dude, he sent us stuff before. I love his stuff. Yeah, great. They smell great. They look cool. You get them in like a LaCroix can?

Yes, yes. I love that guy. Yeah, he's good. Hangover Candle. Shout out. That guy's great. And I'll tell you another thing, man. great they look cool you get them in like a la croix can yes yes i love that guy yeah yeah hang over candle shout out that guy's great and i'll tell you another thing man you get older you start to appreciate shit like that 15 year old me i'd be like well are you gonna get a candle now i'm like you know what like i like getting socks as a gift good socks yeah a nice candle yeah i'm a fucking boring old guy now you got that right some you're gonna have the worst christmas socks candles and clear cups well this sounds great now party time because guess what when you get to be

an adult you can buy shit that you want that's true so so these little things are actually really nice i'll tell you another coffee cup i really like you can pull it up on that it's it's like the new york coffee cup but it's a it's a glass i have that cup i have two of them i love the greek uh blue and white yeah i have that that's it i love that aren't those fun hillary got me those same oh okay wow she's re-gifting it's funny when someone gets you a gift and you're like it's because i'm a new yorker and she's like yes yeah she's giving them everybody i. That is such a nice touch. I love those cups.

A good, something about a good coffee mug. That's really nice. It's funny how people are. Like, that was a shitty paper cup. But when you go back to it and make it a real cup, it's like clever. You know, it's kind of like lobster. Lobster was like poor people food. Peasant food.

Yeah, and then now it's like it's just rebranding you could rebrand anything you know they got these old this was an old mill factory but we kept the lights and the ceiling the same and the floor but now it's a laser tag vintage yeah dude richard jenny remember that joke he had about it was such a great line every every lobster in the tank you know at the restaurant have that look like, any word from the governor? Talk about underrated. Recommend Richard Jenney. Richard Jenney's great. He's got some Platypus Man, A Steaming Pile of Me, amazing.

Yeah, he was a great comic. His specials were like, they were like actually special. It felt like he was performing, he was sweating, and every bit was punched out and had a big ending and like a ta-da. Classic comic. Classic. Killed himself. And regretted it, apparently.

What? He was alive. He shot himself in the mouth, and I think he didn't die instantly, and he was regretting it. Whoa. Yeah. That's wild. I mean, it sounds obvious. If you shoot yourself in the face and you're still alive, you're probably going to be like,

this was not a good idea. Right. You're not going to be like, you know what? Good choice. No, but Richard Jenney, one of the best comics. Yeah. Yeah. He was in The Mask. Mattel used to open for him.

What? Yeah. The Mask. I rewatched The Mask. It's not that good. Nah, it's not great. Carrie's incredible. Carrie's incredible.

Yeah. And so the cast is good. It's Richard Jenney. Cameron Diaz. Her first movie. I think she fought hard to get in that too she was she was a looker so hot in that yeah peter green from the usual suspects the bad guy oh yeah great bad guy uh good character actor yeah also uh peter reger from animal house and the sopranos ah which one was he who the fuck I'm talking about. Peter Regere. You know him.

Oh, Ben Stein was in it. Wow. Whatever happened to Cameron? Oh, yeah. Boone from Animal House. Yeah, and he's in The Sopranos as well. That's right. That's right.

He's the cop or FBI or one of those. No, he's like a politician, isn't he? Oh. No, not politician. No, he's like some sort of government guy. Oh, okay. Wow, whatever happened to Cameron Diaz? Give her a goog.

She's kind of a lot of stuff, dude. Nah, she's in a ton. That was quick and easy. No lingering. She's in a lot, dude. I don't know. Lately, though? Once you do Shrek 3, you do three Shreks, you're good to go.

You're good to go. How about, no, dude, she was great in Being John Malkovich, remember? Oh, so good. That's a great movie. Great movie. So weird. Spike Jonze, man. What a turn around that guy had.

There's that. Skateboard director. I guess she's not in a ton lately. That's what I'm saying. She was this huge leading lady, like A-list lady, and then gone. Women getting older in Hollywood ain't easy, man. Maybe you're right. I don't think it's easy.

Interesting. Retired. There you go. I knew something was up. She fucked Timberlake, and that was it. You got a peeve? Yeah. What do I have?

What do you got? All right. Now, this one might make me seem like a douche, but it gets annoying. How about this guy? Shit, I wrote it down, but now I can't remember how I meant to say it. I got a couple peeves, so I'm gonna throw them all at you. All right.

Options, but don't care. I don't know what that means. But how about this one? When you go, all right, guys, we got reservations at the restaurant. We're all going to the restaurant at 8.30. And we all go, great, we're at a, well, let's go to the bar, have a drink.

Okay, it's only eight. We'll kill some time at the bar. And then you're at the bar, you're going, all right, it's 824. We should probably start walking over. And they're like, yeah, yeah, we should. And then we move like 10 feet and then you just keep talking.

And you're like, all right, guys, it's 827. We should probably get out the door and go to the right. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Now we move by the door. Now we're on the sidewalk talking. I'm like, God, what is that? that well you want to keep things moving yeah and and yeah people that are not they're not with the plan i that annoys me yeah and we just keep kind of like orbiting that way they're on their own time and you're on your time you're probably trying to get out of there too

right oh well also yeah but i'm, we got reservations in four minutes. Like, let's go to the hostess. Is this, did this happen recently? Yeah, but I feel like this happens all the time. With your girlfriend? No, I was with a group. Oh, yeah. But I feel like this happens all the time where you're like, okay.

Comics or non-comics? Everybody, everybody. And you're like, all right, let's start moseying. And people just can't leave or can't get going. Like, we just can't go put the drink down and walk. You have to like, everybody good? That guy went to the bathroom. We'll wait for him.

Okay. It's like, ah. There is a thing. When people aren't on the same time as you, it annoys. If there's not like, yeah, that bugs me. Yeah, yeah, that's weird. Then we went on the sidewalk. Now we're talking out there.

I'm like, why can't we just walk and talk? We can keep going. So of course we were like 10 minutes late to the reservation. But you're talking out there. I'm like, why can't we just walk and talk? We can keep going. But so, of course, we were like 10 minutes late to the reservation. But you're like, all right, whatever. This is actually hilarious. You know, we're scratching. You know, we're running out of pee is when you're like, and then I was 10 minutes late to a restaurant. But it's the principle.

I'm with you, dude. Any time, like my girlfriend did this recently. We were watching a movie. And she got up and just just went to the bathroom. I assume she's just peeing and coming back. She's brushing her teeth. She's doing her skincare. I'm like, we got a movie on.

Yeah. I'm just sitting here. Right. Maybe didn't love the movie. Maybe. I guess so. I mean, if you can brush your teeth throughout a movie, you're not that invested. I don't know.

I think she's like, well, I thought we were winding down. I was like, I was not informed on this plan yeah i'm in movie mode i'm in movie mode i'll tell you i don't really have a peep i guess that was i wrote down i think i did it last week was the one when people say you can do better didn't i do that oh yeah we drink on this pod hate to do better i don't know you can do better how about this one when people get angry you but it's not your fault. Like what? This might be a girlfriend specific or a wife thing. But like, so girlfriend is like, or fiance is like, hey, when are you landing tomorrow?

I'm like, well, I'll be landing at 2.30 and I'll probably be at the house by 2 or 3.05 with, you know, coming from Newark. And she's like, great. I'll have everything set up. We're going to do this. We're going to do that. I'm like, great. Hey, sorry, the flight's delayed.

Oh, you're killing me. What happened to our plan? I'm like, yeah, I know. I want to do the plan too. I'm in Cincinnati. You think I'm happy? I know. I'm not flying this thing.

It's not my airport. Yeah, the flight delay is tough. But she's like, oh, you're ruining the day. I'm like, me? What did I do? I'm stuck. I'm in the airport. At least you're at home with your feet up. Meanwhile, you're hung over in a hotel bed. You overslept for the flight. I'm like, me? What did I do? I'm stuck. I'm in the airport. At least you're at home with your feet up.

Meanwhile, you're hungover in a hotel bed. You overslept for the flight. It got delayed. Why won't you trust me? No, there's not a dead hooker here. The flight's delayed. Oh, well, I've had it with your questioning. Your line of questioning is offensive.

Yeah. What is this, an interrogation? Come on. But no, it's just like, you go, we're going to the restaurant at 8. All right, we get to the restaurant. The thing burned down. Ah, you ruined the night. I'm like, I know, you go, we're going to the restaurant at eight. All right, we get to the restaurant. The bling burned down. Oh, you ruined the night. I'm like, I didn't know it burned.

I didn't burn it. What am I, an arsonist? So that shit bugs me when it's not your fault, but you somehow get in trouble. Well, we travel every week, so we do get like, you know, we still get annoyed by delays. Like, I'm used to them now, so I'm not as annoyed. But like, yesterday when I was running for the flight,'m like fuck this shit dude i know i'm hurting my neck just because i'm like sprinting with two heavy bags yeah and then when you get to the destination no one's like and you're like man i barely made the flight you're like oh yeah whatever okay so you're in

this building you're like not only is it a high five or something yeah nobody cares yeah that's the hard part you want you want to fucking you want to dive in you want the fucking you want the flight attendant to go that's great safe you made it yeah even they seem annoyed like i want a high five on the way in by the lady but she's like barely made it you're like i'm here aren't i yeah we we get spoiled with status because we fly every week but then you see what it's like to be in that last boarding group and you're like this this takes me back oh yeah this used to be every week every week yeah sometimes there's a short flight i'm like yeah i'll take 29d i don't give a fuck and then the problem with the 29d is waiting for to get out people are just fucking

worthless they're worthless i'm like how come when I got my bag, it took four seconds. I went, and I'm done. You're like. There's something behind you. They're like, let me see. Yeah. What is that? They're like looking at it like, hmm. I know.

Yeah. They turn to someone. They make a comment. You're like, oh, fuck. Yeah. I had like a very strong, independent woman. I was in the window seat. And she comes in and she's like, I'm supposed to be in the window, but I don't care.

I'll take the aisle. And I was like, well. And she's like, fine, you can have the window, but I'll take the aisle. I don't care. I'm like, okay, well. Wouldn't you rather have the aisle than the window? I would. That's what I was trying to say, but she was like, no, no, no, it's okay.

You take the window. And I'm like, okay. And she just sat down and put her earbuds in. I was like, wow, I didn't get a word in. So that was tough. Damn, now you guys are dating that's how it starts yeah she was kind of hot and bossy yeah it is hot when women are bossy love bossy yeah you're not supposed to say bossy what are you supposed to say well women

don't like bossy why not i think it's like if men were bossy it's it's like leaders i call men bossy i do too but bossy i don't know there's I call men bossy. I do too. Men bossy. I don't know. There's all these dumb rules. That's annoying. Also, if someone told you not to be bossy, you're kind of bossy. Aha. Good point.

That's why they don't want you to say it because they are that. Yeah. We're in this weird place where gender is a construct, but it's also as a woman. So being a woman or a man is this important thing, but it's also like gender's not real. It's fluid. It's weird because we're like saying two things. And which one is true? Like which one do you go with?

You know, it's like gender isn't real. It's fluid. The future is female. Like, well, how can it be female if there's no gender? And then you start saying that shit and people kill you. These are just jokes that are bombing you like a feminist retreat. You're like, what's the deal? Yeah, what's the deal?

This is a sham. Are you kidding me? I'm in hot water, but isn't hot water good? I love a hot tub. What's the deal with that? Hot water? Sounds like a jacuzzi. Who doesn't like a jacuzzi?

I love a jacuzzi. Love it. Who is jacuzzi. Who doesn't like a jacuzzi? I love a jacuzzi. Love it. Who is jacuzzi? Jacuzzi likes Kleenex or Sharpie. Jacuzzi, sister to Yakuza. I'll tell you. Asians are big right now. But jacuzzi is a guy.

Yeah. I think, right? I think so. Yeah. But we call it, oh, that's a jacuzzi. But that might not be a jacuzzi. It's a fun sounding word. It's a great word, jacuzzi.

That is great. Sounds nice. Yeah. I'm going to take a jacuzzi. Is it Italian or Asian? It's good on it. Is it Tony Jacuzzi? Hey, jacuzzi.

Yeah, or is it like Hiroshima, Katashi, jacuzzi? You know, like which one is it? Which one is it, Matt? Yeah, figure that one out. Jacuzzi brand, headquarters, California. Huh, see? Why did it just be like a white woman? This is like that Seinfeld where she's like, I thought you were Asian.

Oh, yeah, the rhymes are crossed. Someone Chang? Yes, Donna Chang. Donna Chang. She's not asian and they're all disappointed yeah italy okay see that could have gone either way yeah it's funny the italians always brag about their food but jacuzzi's big jacuzzi's big that's up there with uh benihana that's a guy is it yeah benihana's a guy benihana that's kind of fun that had a moment that kind of came and went that was a fad well the problem is that it's very like uh sticky and then you can do

that with like korean food that's actually really good oh yeah the barbecue yeah on the griddle yeah i love a korean barbecue dude oh so good comes with like eight sides and apps i fucking love that i know what a fun outing too it's like it's not just dinner where they bring you food you're watching it you're feeling it you're smelling it the smoke it's a great moment how about the uh do you ever watch on tiktok they'll do the um whoa benny honem uh founder faces 12 to 18 months in jail whoa what do you do hit a guy with a shrimp no No one's going to fuck with him in prison. He'll take two shivs and start chopping them up.

Right, right, exactly. What did he do? You know, his son is that DJ, famous DJ. DJ Benihana? No, he's like this, I forgot his name. He's an Asian guy with long hair. Huge. Yeah.

If you saw him, you'd know him. Admits to insider trading Damn Cool Just footage of him being like Ben Ahana's gonna have a big month Did Did

Did Madoff die? Steve Aoki That's his name Oh yeah he is big He's huge Look up his net worth He uh I met him on

Jim and Sam He was a guest Cool guy Cool guy And he has this... He can sleep anywhere because he's so busy that he knows how to sleep on a plane, in a bus, or he can just take a nap in a green room. You can do that, don't you?

I can sleep on a plane, but he can just go in a green room and be like, all right, I have two hours, and he's fully refreshed. He's one of those guys. It's a gift. 95 mil. Not too shabby for a dj i don't get it skill this job do you ever watch on like uh on tiktok they'll do those like those people just going like is this restaurant overrated or underrated and it's just

a guy being like you know like they're flipping the meat at the Korean barbecue place. And they're like, properly rated. And you're like, three million views. Like, what the hell? I know, right? I don't get anything on TikTok. How about this guy with the salt? Oh, Salt Bae? Yeah.

Why is this guy a celebrity? What has he done? Because people are dumb and people share shit like that. It's like we were saying with the viral. It's just it's whatever is accessible and easy to digest. I get it. He's some weirdo doing this shit. Salt's coming off his elbow.

I got dandruff. How about this? This is my thing. It's not going to do as well. That's true. Let's do a joke. All right. Got a couple ideas kicking around.

All right. Tell me if this is anything. So I feel like America's kind of divided. Culture yada yada yada we all know it we all talk about it fox news versus cnn right versus left it almost feels like the government is our parents and your dad's a republican your mom's a liberal and this this the civilians are the kids. And they've forgotten about us. They're just trying to get each other because they're divorced. Yeah.

And, you know, I got all these jokes like, mom, mom, I need lunch money. And she's like, will you shut up? I'm trying to cancel your father. And you're like, but what about the citizens, you know? And I'm like, dad, dad, mom says I shouldn't have a gun. And dad's like, well, she tried to abort shouldn't have a gun and dad's like well she tried to abort you you know you did the liberal versus that hit i haven't tried it yet but i like the idea of uh the dad and the mom being divorced and they don't care about us they're just worried about hurting each other at this point you know you watch the news it's like they're just trying

i think instead of hurting each other they're just trying to get our attention oh that's good because it's like they're just saying fucked up shit to get our attention so it's like so you talk to your dad be like do you see what your mom is trying she's trying to let other people into the family that's great is that what you want a bigger family you want to live with this mexican kid huh yeah that's good you know and then and then the mom is like your father uh you know it's just gotta go back and forth he's like you should see what he's he doesn't care about you yeah he doesn't care exactly that's good all right i think that your father's your father's talking to a russian family he cares about you that's maybe the angle i like that that little tweak of they're trying to get

your they're trying to win you over yeah which is also more realistic for a divorced. Yeah, that's good. And I get to attack both sides and everybody wins. Yeah, that's good. Because doesn't it feel like everybody pretends like we care about this group and what about this? Republicans are like, these people are killing babies. And then lefties are like, hey, we need to let the Muslims in or whatever the fuck it is. And it just feels like everybody just wants it their way. No one's listening to each other.

Right. Like, I was at a gym. I used to be a member of the rec center. Still closed, by the way. Love it. Yeah, it's brutal that it's been closed all this time. It's 80 bucks a year. The only problem is you're in there with a couple of mooks and riffraff.

But I would're in there with a couple of mooks and riffraff but i would uh i would go in there and every day i went to the gym there was this old guy who would play salsa music at like full blast on a boombox everybody hated him but he was old and but it's also like 80 bucks a year exactly how are you gonna complain exactly you get what you pay for so i would just turn my headphones up and i'm like uh fucking, you know, that shit. And then this one day, this young kid comes in and he's blaring hip hop and they're just competing speakers. And the old guy's going, what are you doing? And the young guy's going, what are you doing?

And he's like, well, I want to play my music. And he's like, well, I want to play mine. And they couldn't understand that they were both fucking assholes. Yeah. And that's kind of what I'm trying to, that's like a microcosm of America. america sure sure but i don't know how to make that funny but the old guy's like well i was here first oh yeah yeah that's true but he's like i pay your taxes or you know maybe the young guys like i pay the bills future i'm the future yeah yeah something like um it is interesting like uh man those rec centers though they really are, you get some characters.

Oh, it's a shit show. Yeah, it really is. You get what you pay for. I mean, it's like being on a Greyhound versus First Class. Yeah. You know, Greyhound is like fist fights and chicken coops and guy playing video games at full volume. I love those rec centers, though.

I do, too. You ever want to go to the Lower East Side, watch the Chinatown one? The guys who play ping pong, they're unbelievable. Yeah. I would just sit and watch. Yeah. They're like 10 feet behind the table.

This is really our Asian celebration episode. Yes, Asian sensation. There's something there. All right, what do you got? I wrote down, let me find it. It was about flying. Mm-hmm. We don't have enough comedian jokes about Air travel

What about dogs and cats They're different What's the deal with That's no picnic But aren't picnics good I thought we liked picnics So everyone I'm on Delta

Thank you for being a part of the Delta family And I was like family When something goes wrong with my family I don't tell them So I'm on Delta and they're like, I want to thank you for being a part of the Delta family. And I was like, family? Like, we're not a family. When something goes wrong with my family, I don't tell them. Right. There's no complaint line. Yeah, I don't complain to my mom.

Yeah, if Delta were my family, I wouldn't say, hey, you guys mess up. I would be like, you know what? I'm going to keep that in here. Ah, that's good. Also, when I drink on Delta, I can get like four drinks they're never like four great drinks that's great um something about like if delta if delta fucks up i'm not just like look delta's limited you know this is all they can give me yeah i don't know there's something here that's good oh there's a lot here. Delta doesn't shame you. Delta never says, you missed your flight?

We're a little disappointed. Yeah. We're disappointed in you. We thought you'd make it. Yeah. We thought more of you. I don't know. No, that's great.

Also, you can upgrade. Can't upgrade family. Can't upgrade family. Wouldn't that be nice? I have a joke about that, though. Oh, okay. I do a joke where I do that. I used to do a bit about, like, you get a new phone, you can upgrade it. That'd be cool if when your grandpa died, you could do that.

He's just like your grandpa, but he doesn't say the N-word. And you're like, that is better. Does he still say Oriental? They're like, we couldn't fix everything. That was a joke. This is how old it was. It was the Grandpa 5, not the Grandpa 5S. Oh, that's good.

That's how old that joke was. Right. iPhone 5. Wow. Yeah, but it still holds up. It still works. It would still hit if I'd do it, but yeah. Could be something, too, about how the more money you make with Delta, the better they

treat you. Yeah. Wouldn't that be weird if your mom was like, oh, Sam, is that a new sweater? Here's an extra plate. Here's more dinner. You're not gold with mom. You know, mom's on board all day long. You can't go platinum.

You have status with an airline. There's no status with. With parents. There's a lot here. This is great. I like the shaming thing. Yeah. You know, your mom's like four drinks huh wow

yeah there's something there i tried it in springfield and it did not work really the someone miles maybe yeah uh you can't you can't throw money at your mom huh yeah we'll crack it one of those a connection joke when you're my mom don't connect or something ah shit i'll crack it i'll crack it we should we should get some we should get a patreon out too i like it though i like it i don't trust springfield i think there's something here make sure to email us at we might be drunk pod at gmail.com with your you know videos with your uh peeves hell yeah with your wrecks with your jokes drinks anything uh well there's no mom app

there's no mom i can't go to all my app be like ah my mom's mad at me hold on let me fuck yeah you don't tweet at your mom all right sorry oh yeah that's something there the app the app is fun mom app uh make sure to see us in the road i got phoenix this weekend san francisco charlotte north carolina miami improv uh fucking all over that shit dude hell yeah dallas samuel.com slash shows is that hyenas no i'm banned from hyenas. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Oh, we got to hear that story on tomorrow's episode. All right, all right, all right. I'm at Portland. We're adding shows.

Laugh Boston. Come on out. Don't get too drunk, Beantown. Bray at California. Vancouver in Canada. New Orleans, Hometown Hero. Royal Oak, Michigan. Atlanta, Buckhead Theater.

Milwaukee, Improv. Come on out. Eventually, Atlanta, Buckhead Theater, Milwaukee, Improv. Come on out. Eventually, I'll have Chicago. I hear it's beautiful. I hear that, too. Soder loved it. So thanks for everybody coming out. Thanks for writing.

Thanks for tweeting. Thanks for sharing. Some guy sent us some badass art today, that one you posted. That looked so good. I loved it. So, yeah, send gifts. We'll put you on the wall. These joke books are killer.

We love you. We might be drunk. Happy Halloween next week. Very exciting. That was last week. Ah, shit. Fucking. We're backlogging episodes because we're both on the road, guys.

Sorry that we just revealed the trick there. We love you. Keep listening. Tell your friends. See you soon. Thank you, Gotham Studios and Matt. We love you. Keep listening. Tell your friends. See you soon. Thank you, Gotham Studios and Matt. We love you. Alright. Praise Allah. Terima kasih telah menonton Thank you.