We Might Be Drunk - Ep 49: Would You?

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

This Episode is brought to you by Sheath Underwear, Honey! Send us emails [e-mail] Visit www.GothamPodcastStudio.com/WMBD to enter for free Sheath Underwear! Mark Normand and Sam Morril can be seen on the road at a club near you. Visit MarkNormandComedy.com and SamMorril.com for more details! Join the Patreon for bonus episodes weekly and more bonus content: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPodW Send us emails [e-mail]   Send us packages: Gotham Podcast Studio 39 West 38th Street, 10th Fl New York, NY 10018

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Someone commented, I posted a picture with Taylor and someone wrote, good girlfriend, really seems to care. Someone commented, I posted a picture with Taylor and someone wrote, good girlfriend, really seems to care. Holy hell! I don't know if we got that last joke, but that would have been fun. Here we are. We might be drunk. We're back.

We've been all over the goddamn earth, all over the country, LA and back, uptown, downtown. Here we are. That's why this one's coming late. So we apologize. We like to get it out on Sunday, but we wanted an in-studio versus a Zoom.

Yeah. Fuck Zoom. It takes the magic out of it. Takes the magic out. It's like phone sex versus actual. Sex. Penetration. Yeah.

Yes. Exactly. It is. Sex robot, I usually say. Oh, that's good. I think it's like a sex robot. I don't mind a sex robot. Yeah?

Well, you can just really throw her around jizz on stuff hit her yeah it's fun great put her face through the glass no i'm joking um what a dark start to this episode it's been a while we've a lot of pent up uh you know something yeah yeah well you know women always have that uh that self-defense class where they like kick a dummy's ass. Yeah. I do that with the sex robot. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. You just have a guy leading it.

Choke. Yeah. She's turned on by all that stuff. Yeah. I've been to Texas. What part of Texas? Oh, you were in Houston? Yeah.

For a night. For a night. For a night in Houston, a night in Austin. You did Rogan with Shane and Ari. Ari. It's been a whirlwind. Yeah. They went straight to Boston, then came back. They went to LA, now here. What about you?

I was in Chicago. I mean, I've been gone for three weeks. Yeah. That's why we hit the back. I did Chicago, then Los Angeleseles then denver then los angeles then uh phoenix then los angeles jesus then san francisco and then i came home holy hell a lot yeah i did a show yesterday at grammar c theater and i'm i'm literally on an hour of sleep last Last night. Yeah, I flew back. Because the only way I could make it back from San Francisco to a New York. Not great routing here, you know.

Yeah, same. San Francisco, you got a New York show that night. I got to take a 7 a.m. flight. So I'm on with Vitor. And I'm like praying. There's one person left in the bump up for first class. And I'm like praying. And I got it.

Got that lay flat seat. Oh. Beautiful. But the thing is like you're comfortable. I still can't sleep because when you have a thing that night, you got all that anxiety and you're freaking out. Yep. Yep.

And you're like, well, I'm going to get 30 minutes of sleep now. Great. And then you just get none. Yeah. And those movie selections aren't bad. Oh, I watched Whiplash. Oh, there you go. I love Whiplash.

It's a good movie, dude. Great movie. Great movie. The arms on JK. Oh my God Whiplash. It's a good movie, dude. Great movie. Great movie. The arms on JK. Oh, my God. No joke. Like a cougar in Phoenix. Incredible.

Yeah, cougars have great arms. Amazing arms. They got nothing to do all day except pick up their husband's money. All right. No, but Phoenix has some hot milfs. But yeah, yeah. They do. Phoenix has a lot of milfs.

Oh, man. I always say inenix there's more breast implants than black people that's the motto the uh the slogan of phoenix should be can i speak to your manager the difference is in phoenix they're happy when they see one of those things i'll tell you i went to uh yeah i did one show in phoenix and i literally get heckled by a woman standing up what she goes she stands up and goes I want you to make fun of my son. And I go, what? And then I say, and she's a pretty hot, milfy woman.

I was like, is that your mom? And he goes, unfortunately. And the crowd's like, what the fuck is going on? And then she goes, it's not my stepmom. I was like, yeah. And then she goes, I wish. And I. I was like, yeah. And then she goes, I wish. And I'm like, these people want to fuck each other. Yeah, clearly.

Arizona is basically Alabama, but, you know, bigger city. Yeah, with the tan and fake blonde. Yeah. Wow, that's wild. How old was the kid? I want to say early 20s. And then I asked about the husband. I was like, what about the husband?

She goes, he passed away. Oh, perfect. I said, door's open. It's all locking in. Yeah, I mean, Jesus. I mean, look, what has more views than stepmom porn? I know. It's number one.

So these kids are just being fed that all day. It's only natural. Yeah, but this was real mom. Oh, I thought it was stepmom. No, he said, I wish she was my stepmom my stepmom yeah oh that's even weirder that's not good wow all right now it's weird yeah shit oh man that's bananas yeah yeah they're gonna fuck they're gonna fuck i should say we're doing our coffee we're doing two episodes today so today's a coffee day and uh the next episode will be a boozy with the beer beer jew yeah we got the beer coming back we need to we need to recover a little because you know when you're on those i have to plan the

coffee buzz into the alcohol buzz especially like i got one hour sleep i get to the venue and i'm like i'm doing i'm doing a ton of coffee at like 7. Yeah. And then I get there and they say, what do you want in your green room? And I said, Pepto-Bismol and a Negroni. Give me medicine and poison in the same rider. That's great. Yeah. But you push through. I was on no sleep on Thursday.

I did the Brea Improv. Huge room. My management is there because it's LA. So we're going to come out and support what you're like. I know that you mean well, but it's a nightmare we're gonna come out and support what you're like i know that you mean well but it's a nightmare they all come in the green room it's it's nice but uh it's still a lot and you're on no sleep so you got to be on with them then you got to do the show and they the whole time you're on stage you're thinking of them judging you like this is our client you know you feel like a racehorse a little bit like i gotta kill it and uh that was

just a lot so i can't imagine an hour i had like three hours but an hour yeah dude it's it's tough when you're but then you're also like i can tell i can power through one of these i i did three shows the day before in san francisco you know that's a lot san francisco is a great city man great town great city one of the one of the jewels of the u.s it's beautiful it It looks European. It does. The architecture is killer. The hills really help. I love it.

Yeah, the water, the bay, the whole thing. The bridge. The seafood. Seafood. Good seafood really seems to care. Number one suicide bridge. We've covered that. Yeah.

And a lot of people, they change their mind right when they jump. Right when they let go. They go, that was a mistake. Yeah. That's got to suck. I know. I have that after like when I used to have one night stands. Right when you finish, you were like, that was a mistake.

That was a mistake. Shouldn't have done that. Yeah. Who is this guy? I have a joke about that now. You think pedophiles get that? Yeah, they must get a double. Yeah, they must be like, oh, fuck, what was I thinking?

Yes. Because ours, I mean, sure, she's in a wheelchair, but at least it's legal. You know, the kid is not even legal. Hey, look at that cutie. Oh, Gary Vita. Geez, you guys went all out on this. And I'll tell you the funny thing. That looks great, right? Wasn't even one of the better meals we had.

This looks like a make-a-wish, you taking this kid out. Oh, it gets even cuter when Gary, he holds up a Steph Curry jersey for his baby. And he goes, I'm going to get one for me, too. Ah, that's great. Because it's so little. Yeah, no, we had such a good time. Oh, man, he's tan. Vitor's a great little road companion.

Great hang. Great guy. Great comic. Check out his album, folks. Vitor Las Vegas. He's always up early because we're on the road. And he's got a baby at home. Sure. So he's just naturally up early.

Always. And he's always going to text at like 8. He's like breakfast? I'm like dude what do you think? Yeah. What do you think's going on here? Nobody loves the road more than dads. Because we don't have kids so we're on the road like here we go I gotta do right. They're like ah the sun is shining. They're like singing

show tunes in the morning because there's no children there. Yeah. They get a break. got to do right. They're like, ah, the sun is shining. They're like singing, uh, you know, show tunes in the morning. Cause it's, there's no children there. Yeah. They get a break. Yeah. You're right. The wife hates him.

I'm sure. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It is hilarious. He's just like on FaceTime. He's like, I love you. I love you so much.

And then he gets off and he's like, oh yeah. Every guy has to do that thing where you pretend like you're not having fun. Oh, it sucks out here. We're getting our ass kicked And you can miss the family and still have fun But you do have to pretend a little bit

You gotta play it down I wish you were here honey This is horrible This is terrible honey Doing a line off a hooker's tit Yeah you know I got the sniffles Need your TLC honey It really it is weird you

do have to pretend i mean i do miss my girlfriend when i'm on the road but you do have to like up it a little you do you do there's something where you're like yeah well it sucks because we made this decision to pursue a dream and it's coming true but then you have to dial it back for the the wife or the girlfriend so it's a weird because she's she knows you like comedy yeah so it's kind of a tough sell right like oh you're going on the road you're going to do tell some jokes you're like i know but i also had to give 10 years up of my life to eat dollar pizza and uh you know drink paps through the ribbon and bomb and have working six day jobs i used i used to fucking eat so badly on the road oh yeah i used to eat that i

had the club meal for like 10 years same i'm like fuck man i really got used to uh pulled pork sandwiches and uh and they weren't even good pulled pork sandwiches it was like fucking little like dog food that they do barbecue sauce on they were like this is your dinner exactly yeah and i would i was so broke i would you knew you got a club meal at 7, so I wouldn't eat all day. You would go excessive, though. I remember you would do the Granny Smith hotel apples all day. I did those, but Mark would do those for meals. I was like, I need to get a meal.

I need eggs or something. The hotel in San Francisco by the punchline used to give you free nuts, and that was a game changer. It's funny when hotels have weird – they have a happy hour, and they just have fried food. It was kind of cool. I know was a game changer. It's funny when hotels have like weird, they have like a happy hour. Yes. And they just have like fried food. It's kind of cool. I know.

I love that. Just five o'clock and champagne and like sliders or something. I used to get so rock hard for a free hotel breakfast. And now I'm like, I'm fucking, sleeping in is worth so much to me now. It's true. It's true. But sometimes you get a waft of that waffle in the air. You like a good hotel lobby waffle?

I do. I do. You put the butter, the syrup. Oh, man. It's like home. Yeah, I'm not a big waffle guy. What? I mean, I just don't want to start my day with maple syrup and butter.

It's true. It's a horrible treat. I don't want to. I'll do it at like 2 a.m., which is probably equally bad for you, if not worse. Yeah, probably. Probably worse. I'm like, I don't like to start my day with butter and syrup. I like to do it right before my head hits the pillow. That's how I like it. That could be a bit. It's true, yeah.

No, but something like ritualistic about having my eggs and my coffee. I like eggs every day. Yeah, I like eggs too. I like making overnight oats too, but that's a lot of work. Yeah, I go instant in the morning. You go instant? Instant oat every day.

Did it today. You love it. You're a man of routine. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I try to be somewhat routine. I feel like if you fall out of it, you feel guilty and it keeps you back in it. Yeah.

You know, Seinfeld used to have that thing where he said he wrote every day and he would X out the day on the calendar. And if he missed an X, he felt terrible. And that would make you not skip. I love it, man. Well, I think that's great. Eggs for breakfast I have to do every day or something about it. Why is that with food and time? Like if you ate a tuna sandwich at 8 a.m., we'd all go, what the fuck is wrong with this psycho?

I mean, I'll do, I don't mind starting my day with like tuna, but it's gotta be at like 2 p.m. I don't know, something about waking up in tuna. That's what I'm saying. But then at 10 p.m., tuna's fine.

Isn't that weird? Something about the sun or the heat or... In Japan, fish is a common breakfast. Yes. But then we have locks. We never think of it. We have locks though,

but locks are accepted. It's weird how some stuff is in and out. Yes, but then we have lox. We have lox though, but lox are accepted. It's weird how some stuff is in and out. Yeah, that is weird. Lox is okay. Lox is fine. Lox is, I think, hey man, if you give me the death sentence in the morning, I'm having lox. Oh, man.

I'm having a bagel, right? Lox with avocado. Ooh, can't beat it. Capers. Capers. Capers are the supporting player. They're the Joe Pesci. They never get the respect, but they're carrying that Pesci. They never get the respect but they're

carrying that bagel a little bit. Good point. And they're little. They're little. Tiny and round. Funny how. What's that? Hard to pull off a caper. I like capers and pasta. I'll throw some capers. I'm making pasta. I'll throw some capers in that shit. Like a cream pasta?

No, I'll do like a kind of like a pudinesca type shit. Like a cream pasta? No, I'll do kind of like a puttanesca type pasta. I like making pasta. I don't know. What the hell is a puttanesca? A puttanesca is like olives and red sauce, and it's good. It's the sauce they used to make in the whore houses, thus the name. Yeah.

Which is whore. Yeah. Is that right? I didn't know that. It's like everything. Just put everything in the pot. Damn. Whore sauce.

Whoa. Whore sauce. I like that horse sauce i try not to say that when i hand it to my girlfriend that's it horse sauce now it's called fireball fireball is trash is that still relevant i don't even know if that joke plays yeah i think people still do okay okay that was that at a moment that was the biggest liquor for like two days who fucking it's all branding because it's terrible it's terrible it's just sugar it's cinnamon with whiskey yes it's like big red if it's what it is which is what her name was too i'll tell you clifford clifford what why is this movie uh there's something about a giant red dog that's off-putting. You just think of Bloody.

Yeah. You look like Michael Vick's dog. It looks too real. It looks too real, yeah. I don't know. And then you just picture them having to dye the dog behind the scenes. The whole thing is so... It's all CGI, isn't it?

That makes sense. It must be. I assume it's dyed. Go to the trailer. No, we can't play videos, remember? We lost all our monetization. You know what's weird, though? Do you see the scene where they show his cock?

That was crazy. What? No, I'm kidding. Oh, I was like, well, wait. Pull that up. That's worth the monetizing. Can we just get a photo of him? Yeah, that's CGI, dude.

Are you kidding me? The red? I mean, I know the size is. It's just all fake. It's not. Oh, okay. Damn, I like the idea of them dying him. Oh, I know the sizes. It's just all fake. It's not. Oh, okay. Damn, I like the idea of them dying him. Oh, that looks really good.

Oh, is it a real dog? I don't know. That is. Hey, that's that comic. Is that Jack Whitehall? Yeah. That guy's in a lot of movies now. Yeah, he's a hunk.

He's a funny guy. I saw one of his falons. He was good. Oh, he kills. He's huge in England. Yeah. Clifford. What a... oh he kills he's huge in england yeah clifford what uh what do you what is that matt told me not to play clips too long yeah yeah smart smart we got the

gist yeah we got it but yeah man san fran by the way they hate when you say san fran i don't say veter said he got called out i've learned my lesson i've been there enough times ss called him out uh a local yeah someone just said walking by i don't say that yeah we ran into people on the street a couple times and he said it's like great to be back in san fran i was like what first of all you've been saying that what are you on stage you don't have to say that but he said it was great to be it's a good yeah i love being in san fran they were like it's sf and i was like i knew that i'm not doing yeah they don't like it They were like, it's SF. And I was like, I knew that. I'm not doing that. Yeah, they don't like it. Yeah. People get weird. There's a couple other ones.

Spokane, they hate. Spokane. Yeah, Spokane. Yeah, they don't care about the homeless there, but pronunciation, they're very particular. Yeah, right. A lot of heroin over there. It's funny doing crowd work there,

because you're like, where do you work? Facebook. How about you? Google. You're just going through all these tech companies. Oh, yeah. You get someone who doesn't work in tech, you're like, thank God. I know.

Is that city going to come back? Because it's one of those cities i don't want to lose well i mean i don't know if it'll come back but i mean it's it's still gonna be great it's gonna be a different it's gonna be a little a lot of cities have i mean dallas is tech now phoenix is tech like a lot of places have tech now right yeah it just sucks when the city city is just full of homeless then outside of the city is like, what is that, San Jose area? It's beautiful with all the Google and everything. But then the city gets left behind. Well, yeah, it's horrible.

It's weird to see that much of a discrepancy. I mean, it's literally like Dawn of the Dead and then Star Trek. You see a guy hovering through garbage and another guy float by on a hovercraft. You're like, what the fuck is happening? Exactly. This is not good. Yeah, that group group's going bigger this one's getting smaller and and they just whiz by on the hoverboard and the guy's taking a shit on the sidewalk yeah so yeah big there's no middle no middle i guess we're the middle we're the middle we fly in we do a set and we fly out well

veter's the middle oh shit that's what i'm saying i was about to mic to my face but yeah i gotta tell you i was in houston that is a great comedy town it is great i gotta get there soon i'm trying to trying to book a date there oh man good crowds just fun that skank fest i mean say what you will about those guys they have the best fans i wish i could have made it for a night the funnest crowds i mean me and list did a live Tuesdays. We did a stand-up show. Ari got dosed. Somebody dosed Ari to get him back.

Yeah, it was just the wildest. Who dosed him? Kim Congdon. So she roofied him. No, she slipped acid in his drink. Jesus Christ. This is not good. It was awesome.

Two wrongs. This isn't Hammurabi's code here. What the hell are we doing? You don't dose someone to dose them. He shouldn't have done that, but you don't dose them back. In her defense, and you might appreciate this, he was wearing the Kobe jersey when she did it. Wow. I mean, there was all kinds of chaos out there.

Jesus Christ. It was just a fucking shit. It felt like old comedy. We're just getting wild and reckless and drunk and drugs, and Lewis pulls up on a Clydesdale. You're like, what's going on i was with ari right after he did the kobe thing i remember we're like on the street and there are people walking by like we know what you did and i remember he was always like let's uh let's go walk to the cellar and i was like i think i'm gonna take a cab i think i just picture a drive

by going by yeah yeah that's tough he was not well liked after that. Yeah. Even comics I saw were like, no thanks. Well, I'm not going to like not hang out with him. I was like, can we fucking do it in like a private venue? Yeah. That was a dark days for him. He lost a special. Over that? He had a special.

I don't know if I'm supposed to say it. Kobe lost more. That's true. That's true. Well, you know, Kobe's a real helicopter parent. But, all right. But I will say, I had to get that out. Ari had a show at the Skirball Center.

It was shooting on Netflix or something. And they called it off because it was like too many people were calling in going, we're going to riot the theater or protest the theater or whatever it was. So they just called it off. Ari, we can't get you here by car. We're going to have to take a helicopter.'s like shit baby yeah three points um yeah that was all net but uh yeah so there are consequences out there kids yeah that's a very relatable problem a lot of kids out there are losing losing Netflix specials because of their shitty jokes.

What the hell? What the hell are you talking about? But yeah, Skank Fest was awesome. Oh, it looked awesome. The pictures looked awesome. And I saw Bob Saget was there. It looked fun. They had fun.

Gilbert. Gilbert. Yeah. Watching Doug Stanhope karaoke with Shane Gill. I mean, the whole thing was just surreal and crazy. Doug is a must guest on this. Yes, we gotta get Doug. I think of his joke all the time.

It's one of his jokes on one of his albums where he said, when I do comedy, it's like I'm bringing you into war. You're not all gonna be here at the end. It's one of the most comedy lines. That's perfect. Oh oh that sums it up man that's perfect and it's it's great because he had to have enough walkouts to write a joke about it you know what i mean i love him man i think he's uh he's a he's a classic classic sweet guy and and some of some of the albums you got to check out uh no refunds i think it's like his masterpiece

oh someone take the edge off i remember listening to to it as a kid being like, wow, this is pretty. He had Henry Phillips doing the guitar. Oh, yeah. Great. I mean, yeah, Stan Hope. He's a classic, man. His opener, Junior Stopka, also underrated. He's so dark that I don't know if he'll ever blow up, but he had this one joke.

And if this is too dark, feel free to- Don't put us on the spot like this. All right, all right. Let's hear it. His joke, his joke. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if we... I think it's on an album.

But he says, you know, the Holocaust actually had a lot of retarded people in it. Nobody talks about that. The first sentence is like the two. Yeah. He goes, so that's the setup. The Holocaust had a lot of retarded people in it. But they can't post the photos because they're all smiling. Oh, Jesus's funny that's a good joke i mean that's dark as hell but that is smart that's a smart take it's a clever retarded holocaust joke all right we'll we'll

wind it back i i want to i think i'm going to call my next special i have a lot of holocaust jokes in my next special i I have 9-11 jokes. I have pedophilia jokes. I have abortion jokes. I think I'm going to call it 9-11 abortion pedophilia because no one will complain. You know what I mean? No one's going to be like, I expected better. Oh, yeah.

I think that's the move. I like that. Maybe that's the move. I don't know. Yeah, or you can call it Don't Forget something. Never forget this album. I like that, though. you put it all out there like this is the movie what uh man that's a dark joke that's dark joke are you allowed to you definitely

can't say that word on like mbc or something can you say i mean can you say it on like comedy central like cable you ever run in with that word on your special i was told not to say it on netflix because um one other guy said it but his was mine was more like come on Netflix Wow One other guy said it But his was Mine was more like Come on you retard And so they were like It's pointless to just use it as an insult

And I was like That's fair But his was like in the joke Like it was part of the joke So I Succeeded or whatever the word is Conceded Conceded

Thank you I conceded I was like I get that So I changed it to something else. Huh. Yeah, I've had stuff like that where it's like, oh, I could find a better word. So it's no point. Like, use the offensive word when you have to and if you can avoid it.

Right. Like, save it for when you really need it. And then that time it'll hit even harder because it's more unexpected. Which is fair. Yeah. It's fair. And it tends to make you write a better line. For sure. and it tends to make you write a better line for sure because I was relying on the shock

and awe of the word retarded but with a new line I had to actually make it have shock and awe you changed it to the N word there you go let's try a cookie alright these are from Culture Club sorry

Culture Espresso. Culture Espresso. Hey, you got a new boom box there. Are they all the same kind, Matt, or what are we looking at here? They're all chocolate chips. Woo! Chocolate chip is not my favorite cookie. Whoa!

I'm a big oatmeal raisin guy. What? You are too? Is that weird? Yes. Why? Overcheat chocolate chip? That's a great cookie. That's a fatty too. Look at the size of that thing. You want to pull there, Sally? Yes. Why? Over cheat chocolate chip? That's a great cookie.

That's a fatty, too. Look at the size of that thing. You want to pull there, Sally? Yeah. Get in there, buddy. There's only two, so take some of mine. I got it. Thank you.

There you go. This is a delightful cookie. Oh, man. It's one of these cookies where it's baked in. Wow. The chocolate. Oh, man. This is good radio, all of us chewing. I know, right? Hold on. Now I got. Oh, man. This is good radio,

all of us chewing. I know, right? Hold on, now I gotta do the dip. This is incredible. Oh, you dipped the cookie. Oh, yeah. Maybe I should.

Yeah, that's an incredible cookie. It's weird. Dunkin' Donuts is named after dunking your donuts in the coffee, but I don't see anybody dunking their donut anymore. People dunk.

Oh, really? I used to go to Knicks games and, you know, in the 90s, if the Knicks won the tip-off, everyone gets a free donut. What? Dunkin' Donuts. It's a good promotion

because everyone's like, oh, Dunkin', I'll go to Dunkin'. But Ewing won a lot of tip-offs. You see him right there. He won a lot of those tip-offs after the game. Like, Dad, we have to go to Dunkin', please. It works.

It worked. Yeah. That was the most Seinfeld and George moment of all time. I don't see a lot of people dunk anymore. They dunk. This is an incredible cookie. Great cookie. Joe DiMaggio dunks.

That's right. Joe DiMaggio. Yeah, you'd think they would dunk a donut when the guy dunked. Yeah. The Yankee Clipper, baby. It was right there. Oh, there's 500 dunks a game, though. No, not that many.

I think Bobby Jewel in Tampa had a Joe DiMaggio jersey in his house. Whoa. Yeah, like framed. Whoa. Look at this. It's drenched in Marilyn Monroe's pussy juice right here. Yeah, no, DiMaggio, man, that guy lived a lived a life you know even though they were divorced he and maryland he sent flowers to her grave wow every week until he died every week i mean

he also hit her so he's not like the greatest guy but you know you even out i'm sure her corpse like i mean you could have done some of this stuff when I was alive, I'm sure. I watched the Arthur Miller documentary. I hear it's incredible. It's really great. Some great writing tips. Yeah. I memorized one because I wanted to say it on here.

He said you're your best writer when you're on the edge of embarrassment. You know when you're like, I can't say this. This is too silly. That's when you're at your best. And then you dial it back a little. You don't go over the edge and embarrass yourself, but you go right to the edge and stop there. Someone walks in while you're masturbating. You're like, good.

This guy's prolific. What does that mean, Mark, exactly? What do you think that means exactly? I think that means you've got to get vulnerable and get close to letting out everything. But don't let it all out. Don't spill your guts and be annoying, but stop it right at the edge,

and that's when you're at your best. You're edging, but for your soul. Creative edging. Yeah, I like that. But he was a sexy Jewish guy. I mean, Death of a Salesman, the other one. I saw Brian Dennehy in Death of a Salesman on Broadway. Wow.

As a kid, my parents took us, and he was incredible. Brian Dennehy was Death of a Salesman on Broadway. Wow. As a kid, my parents took us and he was incredible. Brian Dennehy was a fucking great actor. Yeah. Beast of a man. Beast of a man. That was Tommy Boy's dad, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's such an unexpected scene in Tommy Boy when he just died. You're like, wait, what? We're opening this comedy with your dad collapsing? I know. I rewatched that the other night drunk and it's still great. It's fun. I love. I rewatched that the other night drunk, and it's still great. It's fun. I love a good rewatch drunk.

Yeah. I will say it's fun watching movies from the 90s, comedies, because there's a little air in them. Like now I feel like it's just bam, bam, bam, joke, joke, joke. There was a little bit more fluff in the middle. I showed Taylor Nutty Professor from the 90s recently, and I will say this,

Eddie Murphy deserved an Oscar nomination for that movie. Oh, yeah. That's an incredible. No doubt about it. Dude, he plays like 10 people. And it's like credit for playing like a fat guy and not just going for cheap jokes. Like there are some cheap 90s jokes in there. But like that character's got heart, you know? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. And then Buddy Love is fucking hilarious. Right. And then he plays, basically plays Richard Simmons in it. Yeah, that's right. I forgot about that. And then he plays the whole family. Those dinner scenes are incredible.

He's the mom. He's the dad. The grandma. He's the grandma. Yeah. Come on, Cletus. That whole thing. The dad's name is Cletus.

Yes. You know he just wanted to say Cletus. This is a good example, though, of people who go, you know, people go, you could never make that movie now. And everybody goes, shut up. You could never make this movie now. The whole movie is about fat people. It's about being fat.

And how that's bad. But it's got horror. And the message at the end is like loving who you are. That's true. So maybe you could make it. Maybe. Maybe. I don't know.

I think they'd be like, you don't need to lose weight. Just love who you are, though. But that's what they did in the 90s. But didn't he get hot? Yeah, but then at the end it's like he he was like it's about loving who you are okay so maybe it's yeah proof that you can't make it because amy got roasted online for i feel pretty oh that's true that's true you are pretty so why are you yeah i don't know but eddie murphy they threw on a fat suit yeah i mean they tried

to make this a version of this later with uh shallow how that's right that's right that was a pretty bad movie yeah i love it just wasn't it just felt like mean it was also weird that jack black was like this womanizer it's like jack black and jason alexander the two uh ladies men right right the coxman and then it's also weird because you get like gwyneth paltrow playing like fat and it was all just weird and then she her interviews were terrible she was like it was horrible yeah it's not what you do and then yeah no one wants to hear a skinny white woman be like it was terrible right I was so fat the Farrelly brothers had a run huh I mean they were on fire

for a while I heard that they didn't write Dumb and Dumber. Really? Who wrote it? I heard John Hughes wrote it. Dumb and Dumber is incredible. I rewatched that on a flight because, you know, you're just stressing. You're like, man, this is a great movie. It's so good. That might be like my ultimate comfort watch. Yeah.

It's up there as one of the best comedies, I'd say. Because it's just, there's no importance to it. It's just funny. And it's just non- I mean, they're so good together you can't it goes to show you when you try to recreate a comedy 20 years later like look they did it with that they did it with like coming to america even longer the magic's gone dude i know i know it just it's gone yeah you're different people now it's sad how good and i'm just gonna this maybe it

isn't sad maybe i should reflect on the fact that we had it, was like Eddie Murphy and Jim Carrey in the 90s. And Sandler, dude. And Sandler. I mean, it was just comedy. It was oozing out of him. It was unbelievable comedy. Got Chris Farley movies.

Farley! Look at that run at the bottom there. Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin, Something About Mary, Me, Myself, and Irene. Me, Myself, and Irene. Me, Myself, and Irene is underrated. I agree. That's got heart too. Renee Zellweger

is great in it too. Yes. She knows how to play straight for Jim Carrey. Kingpin too. I think Stuck on You is underrated. What's that?

It's Greg Kinnear and Matt Damon are I guess conjoined twins. I was going to say Siamese but I guess you also can't say anymore. They're conjoined twins and it's like basically say Siamese, but I guess you also can't say anymore. They're conjoined twins. And it's like basically they're growing up and one falls in love with someone.

And it's like how they're trying to – there's great scenes where they're trying to have sex. And the other one's just like read a book. And he's just having sex because they're conjoined. Right. Because Greg Kinnear is kind of a ladies' man and Matt Damon is the shy guy. Oh, wow. They're really – Meryl Streep is a cameo in it. It's pretty funny, I think.

Wow. it got bad reviews but i saw it i was like i think this is really good really all right i think i saw the box it was like this is gonna be dumb it was dumb but it was still fun all right stepbrother is also funny i mean who doesn't who doesn't think stepbrothers is funny yeah i just don't feel like it gets brought up enough stepbrothers i don't hear it are you being sarcastic no is it people talking about that? I feel like the one that doesn't get brought up for Will Ferrell, and it is hilarious, is The Other Guys.

Other Guys with Mark Wahlberg. That's a great movie. I never saw that one. Oh, it's fucking dude. I feel like that came out and Nice Guys came out and I was like, too much. And they're both very different. Okay, alright. I'll check it out. I don't know. Oh, dude, I rewatched The Last Boy Scout. out and i was like they're both great okay and they're both very different okay all right both great movies though oh dude i re-watched uh the last boy scout i hadn't seen that since i was like

very young man it is not a good movie you like it i remember when i was a kid i mean it's it is you rewatch some of those like 80s early 90s action movies you're like this is insane i mean i re-watched lethal weapon too and just the shot of Lethal Weapon is a woman with giant fake tits, open shirt, naked, and she just jumps off a building and smash. And you're like, this is all it took to open. Like, imagine screenwriting. You're like, her tits are huge. And she jumps through a car.

You're like, yeah. Lad's Boy Scout has so many scenes where you're like, it's Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans. And it's like... Is this her? Yeah, what do you... No, this isn't it. I think it is.

This is the opening scene? This isn't it. Well, if it's on YouTube, I can show the jokes. Yeah, you can't. We can't do... Matt, we can't get away with this, can we? Are we going to get pulled from YouTube?

Well, they won't put the boobs on there. They could. On YouTube? No, no nudity. Oh, then it's not even worth saying. Yep. Then we're just watching a woman jump. Well, whatever gets you hard.

You know, last Boy Scout, it opens with like, it's Bruce Willis. It's some great lines but then someone's you're like jesus christ like his friend immediately his friend fucks him over uh and uh fucks his wife and and he like walks in on it and he's just like when do we stop being friends he's like when you started fucking my wife and then right after that he's like head or body and he punches him in the body and then the friend walks into a car and it just explodes what it's so much you can tell they're just like just fucking add an explosion it reminds me of that simpsons episode where homer's trying to cook and he puts some shit in the oven and it catches on fire he tries something else he puts it in the

microwave it catches on fire then he pours cereal into a bowl and he catches on fire i love that shit oh so good dude uh erica aleniak had a great topless moment in under siege which one was that that was the steven seagal on the boat he was on like an aircraft carrier supposed to be his only good one it is it's pretty good yeah that guy's a real weirdo yeah he it's so funny that like some of those action scenes are you see clips and you're like, is he just like... You see Jackie Chan, he's doing backflips and creative stunts. Steven Seagal is just doing shit with his hands. I know.

And you're just like, I get that maybe this would work in real life, but it's not very cinematic. Yes, yes. And he does shit where you're like, did you know that was funny? Or is that you sincere? He's so goofy. Are we able to play this yeah well i don't know you tell us there peter i mean whatever who cares if we don't monitor hey there she is uh she was of baywatch fame erica leniak also in charles in charge

wait a minute oh see they can't show it on YouTube, apparently. Was that YouTube? Yeah. Wow, I take it all back. She's got his gun on her. Well, those tits could be guns. I think they don't open up the shirt, by the way. That's fucking... That's the 90s. I don't think I ever saw Steven Seagal movies. Oh, I saw Exit Wounds.

Terrible movie. Nice. No, Tupac. DMX, dude. Oh, he's in a movie with Tupac I believe is he I think he invented his own martial arts style Steven Seagal I thought it was like Aikido or something it's something like that oh maybe maybe he made one popular at least but yeah he's got the ponytail some of those old movies dude they're just they're just fucking turds oh yeah but we watched them those 90s movies you

really didn't have to because i looked up i'm like this last boy scout this could have done well in the box office and it was like 114 million in the early 90s so that's good that's good that's good now i mean you saw bruce willis on a movie box you went and saw it veder told me he saw it in the theater with his dad and i was like how old were you and he's like probably seven the movie literally opens with a football player with a gun shooting people on the field and then taking a gun and shooting himself in the head wow and you're taking your child yeah there he is aikido did he come up with this or is this okay i mean i don't think so i think he's been around he was a cop in louisiana for a while i mean steven zagal has really run the gamut of him. But it's so unexciting.

Yeah. Like the other guy's doing all the exciting stuff. He's just throwing people around. This is hilarious. That is pretty cool, though. This is what my dad used to do to me. I just booty bumped him. This can't be real.

Yeah, interns getting his ass kicked. What the hell? Man, this is good coffee, by the way. That cookie, not too shabby either. No, is this good coffee? Because you know your coffee, so I want to know what good is. I don't think I know my coffee. I think I just drink a lot of it.

I think this is good coffee. Is there a term for a coffee addict? You got alcoholic, you got chocoholic, you got meth head. What's the coffee one? Meth head. Caffeine. Should be meth tooth. Yeah, that's true. That's really what we were noticing. Right, coke head. His teeth one? Meth head. Caffeine. Should be meth tooth. Yeah, that's true.

That's really what we were noticing. Right, coke head. His teeth are in the head. Yeah. Coughaholic. Oh, okay. Coughaholic. That sounds like a guy with COVID.

All right. Any peeves this week? Oh, I got too many because I haven't seen you in so long, but I'll save some. Save some, but give me a couple. I'll give you a couple here. How about this? I went to seen you in so long, but I'll save some. Save some, but give me a couple. I'll give you a couple here. How about this? I went to a bar in Portland after my shows, like a dive bar.

Love a good dive bar. And I do the thing where I go, give me a High Life and a tequila soda or whatever. And they go, all right, that'll be $8.68. What does this change? Was it really $8.68 or was it like $8.75? I think it was $8.50 or something. But still, I'm like, now I'm dealing with change at a bar. I hate the change at a bar.

Dollar bills only. Round up or round down. Exactly. So now you're giving someone a tip of $2.50? Yes, exactly. Very weird. Charge me $9 and I'll be having it. Charge me the extra $0.50.

I'd rather that than being like, I'm scooping up change or I just give them the change and you look like a deadbeat either way. Was it a cash only bar too? It was. That's insane. It's insane. Also, bringing cash to a bar is crazy. That feels like a place to get robbed now.

That's where people probably jump you. Oh, good point. Because who's bringing cash out these days? Cash is rare. And some people don't even take cash anymore. Have you seen this? I do just a tip. Just like, you know, i'll get changed a tip like leave something in the hotel room something like that but like i don't i don't uh i don't walk around with cash usually oh i do

do you oh yeah let's see how much cash i have on me this could be fun i got some do the whole thing oh you know what i do have cash on me on the table please yeah i got cash how much you have on you should we count yep wow you got a lot what the hell yeah count it oh man see i got a lot of fives and and tens because of tips and stuff yeah yeah yeah but let's see yeah i got about like 150 or so here i don't have a ton of cash on me look at you jesus man man. What the hell? What are you guys doing? What is this? The Sopranos?

What the hell are you doing here? Oh, man. Look at that. Hondo. Two Hondo. Mark, this is not smart to me. You know what? Mark, what the fuck?

Oh, man. What the hell are you doing? Oh, my God. Why do you need this kind of cash on you? It's a long story. I mean, this is over $1,000 in cash here. That cash here that's i mean in hundreds alone you don't want this out there people are gonna rob you well this is a fluke this is a fluke get the cookie um so i did a show i did rogan and then he goes you guys want to do a set on my show at the whatever room we go sure now

we're like half in the bag he feeds you whiskey whiskey all night. So now me and Shane and Ari go to his show and then I didn't realize as we do his show, he takes us all out for burgers after and he goes, oh, I gotta pay you. He gives us $1,000 each in cash. Oh, wow. He pays you $1,000. We did 12 minutes. Classy guy. Classy guy. I mean, when you got that much dough,

you know, you can really throw it around. Very cool. That's mostly where this is from, and the rest is from just random shit. Who brought up the idea of how much cash do we have in our pockets? Yeah. Why? He knew how much money you had in your pocket.

Yeah, well, I knew it would be good visual. Leave that for the intern, Matt. I got very little energy with my $75 in my pocket. Oh, that's good. But no, I gotta deposit this. I thought I would have none on me. I just happened to throw on show pants. Do you ever get a guy handing you money after a show?

Like, that was a great set. Here you go, here you go. I don't really do the meet and greets anymore. I'm too tired. I get it, I get it. It's exhausting, especially with three shows. I'll do it at some point again, yeah. Yeah, I'll do it again. But again yeah um yeah i'll do it again

but man some of those drunks they just ruin it for for everybody they really do i i had one guy he got thrown out of the 4 p.m show in san francisco wow he was that drunk that's crazy he was uh he was just like yelling stuff out he's like you like cocaine and i was like well i can tell you do yeah he goes i'm on a lot of cocaine i was like all and i was like well i can tell you do yeah he goes i'm on a lot of cocaine i was like all right i was like i hope you're all right man and he was like freaking out a little bit that's bad that is he had to get taken i'm like it's a fucking madden a dude i know you're coked out at the madden a that's the opener's job yeah right it's just wild like i'll get i'll check my uh what do you call those like the insta stories

where they tag you and it'll be like we're out the bar and it's like eight guys doing shots like going to the norman show and i'm like the next one of them just beating the shit out of this homeless guy like jesus my fan base is animals and you're like look i appreciate you coming i'm glad you guys are excited but like this is still a show you know it's still a sit down in a chair and be civil and civilized. But some people just get blacked out. Yeah. Don't pregame for a comedy show.

Enjoy the show. You can pregame, but just know your limits. Yes. Know your limits. Like, we like boozing. We like drunks. But just, we like drunks who keep it together, too. I get booed sometimes when I have a water bottle on stage.

I've got that, too. I'm trying to stay hydrated here so I can put on a good show. And people are like, do a shot. And I'm like, I'm trying to stay hydrated here so I can put on a good show. And people are like, do a shot. And I'm like, I got two more of these tonight, dude. I had to get to the venue at 3.30 in the afternoon. That's the irony. Do a shot. You're like, the show will be worse.

Your show will suck. I try to plan the coffee into booze thing very well, especially on those three show nights because you're like, booze or muscle relaxer, what are we doing tonight? And usually it's booze. I want to sleep. You just got, because you're like, booze or muscle relaxer? What are we doing tonight? And usually it's booze. I want to sleep. You just got to accept you're not getting sleep some of these nights.

And then the next day, you feel fucking incredible. I got like seven hours last night, and I feel like a million bucks. No better feeling. No better feeling. It's the ultimate supercharger. But, yeah, some nights I'm just like, all right, you plan like. Sorry, the cookie the cookie you had two bites mark you gave him half your cookie

he burps he's like the money it was the money that i'll tell you one great thing about the mask because i've been farting on these planes and nobody notices no one cares it is nice on the planes they can't smell it you can fart on planes oh yeah yeah you can't no no i do oh yeah it's like because of the mask that you don't really feel as much guilt no guilt nobody knows i've gotten a few of these before like but now with the mask i never see that sometimes they do it right when they're serving food i did a first class you did first class cross country i mean i i use upgrades on that shit dude no it's worth it you need i mean it's like you just want to not feel like i mean especially

on a 7 a.m flight promise everyone wants it on the 7 a.m flight because they want to sleep yep yeah i did portland and then la and i'm going to vancouver this weekend so i'm on my third week of west coast well thanks for not staying out there i get how it makes sense no no i mean i knew we had to get back plus the ladies getting annoyed with all the travel but thank god thanksgiving's coming up yeah a little uh quality time yeah thanksgiving's a good time yeah one of the best holidays but uh my point is i got first class on one of them and it was united polaris what you got to stick with one airline what are you doing i don't know if this is one of mark's cons like the money but you stick with one airline

you get upgraded all the time because you have status you know that why i know and i did it with i ran with delta for years but then uh delta's good delta's great that's my favorite airline but now it's united i had to take it there's footage of me shitting on Delta in one of my specials. I have a long bitch on Delta. But it's like they've really become my favorite. They fuck me once, but I was forgiven. They all fuck you at some point. They all fuck you.

But it's the best airline, I think. By far. By far. I like that lounge. Oh, the United lounge sucks. Does it? Oh, my God, it sucks. It was jam-packed, and I was sitting at a table,

and this Indian couple was like, can we sit with you? And I was like, yeah, please, please. They sat down. We started chatting. We had a great time. He's like, no one wants to work. This lounge is trash. It was just great.

He's like, I'm a Delta guy, and this lounge sucks. They have a cup of noodles and Ritz crackers. It's horrible. How do you feel about Ritz crackers? I'm not a cracker guy. Really? I think Wheat Thins are pretty good. I'm in the minority here.

You like crackers. Yeah, all crackers. To me, it's like cardboard with salt. That's the whitest shit ever. I'm a big fan of all crackers. Yeah. I love crackers. What's your favorite?

I love a Ritz. I like a Wheat Thin. How about a Triscuit? That's not a cracker. Oh! Really? We got a debate here. How about one of those fancy cars, crack pepper type crackers?

As long as there's cheese. Oh, with cheese on it. Yeah, I could spread some cheese on it. See, now it's a vehicle, because you just want the cheese. Yeah. That's why I don't like it. Same with bread. I'm off bread, because I want the meat.

I want the mayo. I want the lettuce, the tomato. I don't need the bread. You don't like it same with bread I'm off bread because I want the meat I want the mayo I want the lettuce the tomato I don't need the bread you don't want a sandwich to me that's like I think we just grew up in New York so it's like you need deli sandwiches were like a part of my diet for so long I can't just shake them like I still go to my corner store just to get an egg sandwich like every day I mean look an egg sandwich you can't be

but we're getting one later and that's why I got the wrap because I want the egg sandwich like I grew up with po'boys, which is like 88% bread, and then shrimp or beef or whatever. So you were over-breaded. I was over-breaded. Yeah. Yeah, so now I'm off-bread. I'm going against the grain.

All right, that's a tweet. But yeah, who needs it? I feel like I'm getting duped. Like, you know, you get these pieces of slices. You don't like good bread? I do, but it's... Like a good baguette? Eh, not really.

I don't want too much. I don't like when it's like crazy. Oh man, but like a good panini or something. I'm fucking love making a panini. But you ever get a thick crust piece of pizza and you're like, this is bread. And then this is the topping. Yeah, butago does it right all right but i'm a thin crust guy for sure like new york's consistency with pizza like

everyone talks like what's your spot in new york i'm like that's the beauty of new york you don't even need a spot good point every corner spot is solid that's a good point so people like where you're going like that's how good it is we don't celebrate it. Yes. We just know. I like that. You know, Joe's is great, but the next one down is like right here. Yeah, Ben's is really. Joe's also late night slips sometimes. Like they'll hand you like a burnt slice and you're just like, dude. Good point.

And they're like, all right. I'm like, you tried to fucking con me. You tried to con me with a burnt slice and you thought because it was 2 a.m. you were going to get away with it. Because the drunks. You didn't count on it as I'm sober because I just did a set. Yeah, the drunks won't notice, but you got it. Yeah.

Because I got a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio on the wall. They do have young Leo, too. I know. So it's legit. Hot Leo. He's got a new young lady. He dates really young. 22.

It's very young. It's a little young. Something's missing when you go that young. Oh, yeah. Hey, you ever seen that elf? Who's elf? You're like, all right. That's my barometer. That's very young. It's a little young. Something's missing when you go that young. Oh, yeah. Hey, you ever seen that elf? Who's elf? You're like, all right. That's my barometer.

That's my test. You ladies know elf? Yeah. Let's fuck. Elf. Yeah. Which Married with Children are you on? The one with Ted McGinley or the guy before?

Steve. Yes. is that her man he's had a resume of real betties huh holy hell jeez louise i heard he's uh packing a piece too you know he probably gets rid of them really easily like he bangs them then he's like we need to talk about climate change i'm like all right i'm out of here yeah he does a whole thing where he saves the tigers that's his move yeah so even his philanthropy is cool you know it's not just like hey we got to recycle it's like hey we got to help these tigers we need to stop the next sea soul from happening you know that was a lion he likes he likes um nice he likes, um, it's weird. Like some people, you'll see people be like, you know, save the elephants. Yeah.

And it is cruel. And you see like these elephants that are like gigantic and they're just in, uh, this cage. And then you're like, well, then you think about how we live. Our apartments aren't that big either. Yeah. Good point. Free food.

I mean, they are prisoners, but yeah. Yeah. But Chris Rock had that great, but I love a bit where he says I mean, they are prisoners. Yeah, yeah. But Chris Rock had that great bit. I love a bit where he says, save the trees. Save the trees. Motherfucker, I see trees every day. I was at the Thanksgiving Day Parade. I saw two real Indians, and the rest were fucking Puerto Ricans.

He's like, when's the last time you saw an Indian family eating at Red Loft? I love that joke. Damn. Oh, wow. Look how young. Man, he was hunky, huh? Well, actually, he's more twinkie, but he's cute. He's just so young.

He looks like a hot chick. Yeah, would you? I think in the Gilbert Grape days, I would have. You give him a little basketball diaries action? Now, what is it with men? Their face gets wider. Val Kilmer has it.c baldwin has cancer well and alec baldwin's very old well i'm just saying but the face goes out for some reason i hope that

doesn't happen to us maybe it's from killing a man or a woman sorry yeah rittenhouse has got a huge face but uh face, just saying. There's something about dudes. Their face gets bigger. And I thought it was because of booze, but a lot of these guys don't drink. I think that's the women, too. I think your face just gets, you get a little fatter. It's just part of getting older. Yeah, but some people get it and some people don't.

I don't know. Yeah. Like Brad Pitt still got a nice face. He's square. He's got a square face. Does he? He's also definitely had work done. Oh.

There's no way Brad Pitt hasn't had work done, right? I bet he has. You get that. You're that. You're known for it. You got to maintain it. Robert Redford was like the Brad Pitt of his day. Oh, yeah.

There's work done. You can see the eyes are a little squintier. Yeah. Still looks great. Don't get me wrong. But like. He's actually working on a new film, Memoirs of a Geisha. He still looks great.

Don't get me wrong. He's actually working on a new film, Memoirs of a Geisha. Look at Robert Redford. He did not get any work done, and he looks like the Crypt Keeper. He's 87, dude. I know. I'm just saying. He looks good. That's what you're supposed to look like.

Well, you know, he... Yeah, Redford was cool, man. Oh, yeah. He was like the Brad Pitt of his day. Look at that, though. And Newman was like the Clooney. Yes. Clooney is on Marin today, by the way.

I listened already. Is it good? It's really good. He's such a normal guy. It's great. I fucking love Clooney, man. Love Clooney. You want to hate him, but let's see.

There's a Redford in the middle of that red shirt. Yikes. That'll wake the dead. But. Once he made like Good Night and Good Luck, I was like, nah, he's legit. He's a legit like like, film guy. Well, what's cool about Clooney is he did all those, like, fluffy bullshit, like, facts of God.

What is it? Just the facts? What was that show? Facts of Life. Facts of Life. All that shit. ER. Yeah, he's the hot handyman.

One Fine Day. Yes. All just to direct. He did all that. It's like us. Like, we do all these open mics and all this shit just so we can headline one day. Yeah. Real deal. Real deal.

And handsome. Would you? I might go down on him. If you were a woman, is he your type? I would fuck him in the ass. There you go. I'll give you that. I wouldn't let him fuck me, but I would fuck him. I'd give him all

oceans 11 inches. Alright. Really scraping the barrel today i need some booze yeah but we need a burn after reading this conversation here oh brother where are those jokes but yeah clooney's cool yeah and he gave his friends each a million when he sold his tequila. 14 friends. Million each. We suck to be that 15th friend. Ooh, yeah.

That would be a bummer. Like, I thought you were like, I thought that was kind of, I thought we were closer. Because you always think you're closer with someone at that level. Right. Or how about the guy who was like, tequila company, you really want to do that? Then later he's like, oh, I was going to give you a million, but you told me not to do it. So fuck you. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, but you told me not to do it so fuck you yeah damn yeah it sucks oh yeah we should do it yeah yeah all right let's do it right now uh we might be drunk to you as brought by uh we might be drunk as brought to you by sheath underwear i

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And Sheath's Underwear is 100% money-back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com. Promo code DRUNK. Get Sheath Under underwear and let them support your balls robert the guy who runs this thing robert patton was at skank fest i mean this guy is the real deal he's all in and also if you leave us a nice review uh on the podcast app or itunes or whatever you use you're eligible to win a a package of sheep isn't that right i forgot about that so that's yeah there we go. Good call.

And this is good stuff, folks. It's not Robert Pattinson. Matt, what are you doing? It's just the new Batman's underwear company. Another hunk, by the way. And a good actor. Time Out, or what's it called? Out of Time.

Another guy who did Twilight, but it's like you could tell he actually wants to do good shit. Exactly. You got to get in the door, folks. Some ladies do it with porn and tits. And it works. We all remember. Yeah.

We all remember Laura Linney's porn phase. She's great. Great actress. Great. She was at Gotham one night. What? Yeah, she was in the crowd. I was like, I want to meet Laura Linney.

But she was, yeah. Was she Ozarks? Ozarks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's good. Good actress. But she was, yeah. Was she Ozarks? Ozarks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's good. Good actress. Was she? No.

Who am I thinking of? Who was in The C-Word? The C-Word? Wasn't that a showtime show? I think Laura Dern. No, I like Laura Dern, too. She's kind of hot in a weird way. I don't know if that's insulting.

Yeah, I don't think it's a compliment. I don't think, I mean, you can say it. I don't think a woman, when you're like, hey, you're attractive in a very strange, off-putting way. I don't know what it is. Well think it's a compliment. I mean, you can say it. I don't think a woman would be like, hey, you're attractive in a very strange, off-putting way. I don't know what it is. Well, it's a little, she's off the beaten path a little. A unique look. I think that's how you say it. There you go.

Who's in the C word? Oh, maybe it wasn't her. The L word? Maybe the L word. Is that something? I don't know. The L word. Matt, you're annoying Matt.

All right. Well, just don't go to the N word. That's a whole different show. Is it one of these women here? No, no. She's in something. She was on a sitcom, but I could be wrong. All right, forget it.

The L word. Lesbian? Was that what the L word was? Yeah. Okay. I got a P for you. Really thick hot chocolate. Whoa.

You ever go to a bakery and I'm like, I didn't order a hot chocolate concentrate. Yeah. They just hand it to you. You're like, I can't even get through this. It's so thick. It's syrup. It's like a melted chocolate bar. Yeah.

They think it's rich. But I was like, hey, man, I got hot chocolate so I could move the rest of the day. Yeah. That's a good one. Wow, that is a specific. Very specific. It happened to me many years ago and we walked by the store and Gary goes, I fucking hate a thick hot chocolate. So do I.

Look at that. Yeah, that's too much. What is this shit right here? You're eating a brownie mix, basically. And it's fine for a sip. You're going to hit me a whole glass. Give me a shot. I'll do a chocolate shot like that. Yes, I'm with you. That's just fudge.

Fuck that. Fuck that, dude. No, thick hot chocolate. That's the problem. Fuck that. Thick hot chocolate, decent porn search, but not great to consume. I'm with you. It's too thick. It's supposed to be refreshing and homey and comforting.

You don't want to drink it with a spoon. Yeah, it's a peeve. You got any recs? Good peeve. Here's my rec. You're not going to like it. Uh-oh. Why?

It's a little basic. Take a walk was breaking ground? I'm saying it's on that level. Okay. I like it. I like when you give basic one all right get yourself a sponge let's go that far off what are you saying a lint roller i'm saying you'd be shocked next week it's gonna be a sham wow a lint roller you get a little because you have Well, maybe, but I also have a hairy girlfriend. She's got hair all

over the tub and everything, all over the shit. You hit yourself with a lint roller, you wouldn't be surprised how much DNA and hair and follicle and all this dust on you. You'd be a new man after a lint roller. I went on Amazon and I ordered like ten of them.

I think it's the cat, though. Maybe it's the cat. Don't you think, Matt? He looks clean. Thank you. Well, you look clean, but I think the cat is doing the most of the damage here. I mean, because you're a comic, you wear dark colors a lot. Yes. That's true. Telling you. Get one.

Is it the tapey kind or the scrapey kind? The tapey. This is the scrapey. Oh, that's cat only. I'm talking, this is hair, lint, dandruff, dust, dander, everything. I got a good dandruff cure. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I talked about it early on the show, I think, the scraper. You put the shampoo in, but then you use that little head scrubber,

and it really gets in there. Wait, pull one of those up. What is it called? It's like a head scrubber. Head scrubber. I don't know this. That could be wrong. That might be the name, but.

Another good form. Yeah. Head scrubber. Because I get. Yeah, those things. Oh, I like it. And you do this when the shampoo's in? Yeah, yeah.

And you rub it in. Yeah. You rub it in there. You get in there. That's a key to a good scalp, too. Because Gary Goldman has beautiful, beautiful head of hair. And I was like, what's the secret? What's the key? And he goes, activate activate the scalp and i think that's what that does

it activates i think he told me he doesn't shower a lot ah that'd be great if he just told different things to everyone he's just going around line activate the scalp don't shower i think we do over shower too oh my god we've talked about that before too much showering yeah i don't i don't wash my hair all the time i got a brillo pad up here anyway but i mean i had too much too much showering yeah same i agree and you just take the oils out of your hair i think it's supposed to have natural shit in there look at that he's got beautiful brown black locks luscious yeah look at those locks and a decent clavicle if i might might add. But yeah, don't wash. I'd fuck him in the ass.

I feel like we can both win on that. Yeah. Yeah, Goldman's great. Just played Carnegie Hall. Oh, congrats to him. That's amazing. One of the great stand-ups. Amazing writer.

Got me in at the Comedy Cellar, so thank you, Gary. Look at that. Yeah. All right, I got a rec for you. Hit me. So thank you, Gary. Look at that. Yeah. All right. I got a rec for you. Hit me. This one's even cheesier than yours. All right.

Going to be tough to beat that lit roller. Find inspiration. That's my rec. Gary and I were in San Francisco walking around. We're hitting a little, we hit Mel's Diner, classic little old school diner. The waiter was a fan of the podcast. Whoa.

All right, waiter. He goes, I listen to we might be drunk all the time i was like all right we go to uh we passed they're doing the leonard cone exhibition who i know i drunk i don't remember this episode this patreon because i was hammered where i said leonard cone's better than bob dylan i stand by it brother but let me tell you another thing i uh i got hulkamani on your ass right there but uh we passed the leonard cone exhibition which i had seen at the jewish museum here in new york it was just happened to be showing there and i said veder we gotta go gary's not a big leonard cone

guy and he was like this is incredible really yeah a lot of it's like it's like uh one of those uh geez what do you call what's the word it's kind of like it's immersive it's like the way the van gogh thing they did that one but it's snippets from interviews songs he says so many wise things so uh you see that you're like man this guy was cool there's one part where he talked about uh the poet lorca he said you know uh the writer lorca he said you know i didn't steal his his voice but he gave me permission to find my own like he talks about words that were that inspired him you're like that's fucking awesome i loved it so yeah get inspired go out and do good shit also i got a movie rec for you rewatch it it's streaming on hbo max it's a great movie collateral oh i love collateral great tom cruise as a villain which is awesome yeah michael

man michael man a great movie uh maybe his best i mean insider i love heat is a classic but he he is my third probably after those two those two are incredible um so good dude tom cruise is great jamie foxx is always great always great i love movies like it's just this kind of the whole thing takes out in one night or two nights and it's just this kind of uh i don't nothing story, but it's not like this big epic bullshit. It's just two dudes and their feelings and their night, and it's great. Good dialogue. Yes.

Tense. You don't know what's coming. There's a lot of turns where you're shocked. Yeah. And I'd seen it before, but I'm watching with Taylor, and she hadn't, and watching it unfold for the second time, you're like, oh, this is pretty damn right in front of your face but you still don't see it coming what do you think the coyote means

sorry there's a coyote there's one scene where they pull up to a red light and a coyote runs by it's like the only scene i don't like yeah i didn't like the music they played in that scene ever it felt very out of place it felt like they were shoving in symbolism forced yeah i don't know i think it comes from a book and my friend who I saw it with told me, he said, in the book, the Tom Cruise character

is Japanese. Ah. And he comes to America, he has to pull off these assassinations. That's why he needs a driver because he doesn't know his way around.

Ah. How do you like that? Interesting. Okay. Yeah. Great movie. Good wreck. That movie,

you know what you can tell a good movie because this came on once in a green room and I was in there with like four guys and we're all talking and then two minutes later we're all just glued in it's it's gets you from the from the jump yeah and it's it's surprising there's a lot of amazing turns uh it's just a great movie and uh i also got to shout out one of our listeners because we on the Patreon, we get we get recommendations. We get pet peeves. We get joke ideas.

We get drink ideas. They told me to watch the movie Something Wild with Jeff Daniels and Melanie Griffith and a young Ray Liotta. Jonathan Demme film. I watched it. I loved it. Is that the piano one? No, it's basically about a yuppie, Jeff Daniels, and he just meets this woman in a coffee shop,

and something's off about her, and he likes her. And she convinced him they're just going to drive. They end up fucking in a hotel room. And they end up going to her high school reunion, and her crazy ex-husband, or I guess still husband, Ray Liotta, is there. And things get weird from there. Oh, interesting. And it's a movie with a lot of different tones.

It surprises you in tone shifts. And Liotta is incredible in it. He's just so fun. He's scary and funny and weird. It's a good movie. I've never heard of it. I like movies where they're hard to classify the genre yes sounds like a david lynch it's kind of like that yeah

which i don't know lynch very well we talked about this on the patreon moment and i both were like we're not huge david lynch guys and we know people are gonna fucking hate that i couldn't get into twin peaks yeah i can hear that me neither too too eerie for me like weird for weird sake yeah campy too like it was a little campy right right we're gonna get railed for this we're gonna get railed people whose opinions i really respect love that show and yeah you know same same just not my cup but i'll check this out this looks like a fun romp yeah i'm into it all right good rex what what uh limp roller i'll tell you that what what do you got for a uh for a joke oh for a bit all right um this could be dumb this feels very well everything we've run on here right but i haven't tried this on stage i ran it by him

earlier i don't know what he thought but uh i had a thing with the uh with the at&t where you got to call in they fucked up my bill you know and you got to do customer service and press one for english press two for espanol press three for billing and you got to do the whole thing and you're so mad and then you finally get on with an operator after 20 minutes and you just want to yell at her but you also don't want to lose her yeah and have her hang up on you and be like sir you can't talk to me that way. So I think on these calls, these IT calls, they should hire a guy just to yell at. Just a guy you can be like, fuck you, you piece of shit.

You don't know what I'm going through. And he's like, I understand, sir. I understand. And then you click back over to get your shit fixed. The punching bag. Yes. Because you're so angry, but you can't let it out on them. And you get the lady

at delta like sir this is not my fault i'm just working the desk and you're like i know but i missed my flight because of you fucking cut and she's like this i didn't do it you know but we need a person who you can just chew out as part like somebody they hire and that guy gets paid really well yes the human punching bag the guy who comes on you go your mother raised a little bitch and he's like she did yeah i'm a bad goes, your mother raised a little bitch. And he's like, she did. Yeah. I'm a bad boy. He just takes it.

Yeah, I fucked your wife. He's like, I know she liked it. Or whatever it is. Just this part. But would that one make you feel better if he played along? No, yeah, good point, good point. Like, you know what? I deserve that.

Yeah. Like, this company sucks. You work here because you're a pussy, you're a piece of shit. You never amount to anything. He's like, ah. It's hard because a lot of the times like everything's understaffed now because of COVID. It's crazy. People just stopped working.

A lot of people were like, I'm good. Fuck the job. Yeah. I think they realized how short life is. And they were like, yeah, I'll get by on some other shit. And that's why I love these service jobs now. We work at clubs. And how many times are you at a club? And the show starts like 45 minutes late because it's and

you can't even get mad because you're like it's understaffed understaffed so so people so then these people who are still at these jobs you're like oh shit you need to have this job so they're really not taking shit anymore no they're really not yeah people know and like nobody wants to go into an office they all want to work from home. Once you know what is, what can be done, you're not going in. You're not going to do that extra mile. Cause you're like, fuck this.

I can get a job somewhere else. Something about, yeah. About just cursing them out too. It's like, uh, it would be, feel so good.

And you'd want to stay with the company. Like, Hey, you're going with sprint. I'm staying with Verizon. They got a, they got a punching bag. It's one of the features.

Press forward and let it all out. Yes. I don't know where the turn is just just some just some really weak-willed guy like hello and you're like you fucking piece of shit you know what you did right right like sir can i help you anything else yeah can you roll me over to the uh to bob so i can chew him out just something where you can really let it out he's in a a gimp suit. He's like, yeah. Yeah. I don't know how to really package it, but I think it's a fun idea. There's something there.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what the turn is. Cause it's kind of just like, yeah. Well, I mean, we have,

we get pent up all throughout the day and then there's just nowhere to put it. Yeah. And these companies will fuck you over and you you just got to accept it or cancel the company or cancel your subscription or whatever it is, but it'd be nice just to get it out. And no one cares if you're like, I'll take my business elsewhere. They're like, yeah, I'm not working on commission here.

It's not enough. Yeah, exactly. You know what's interesting about the cable companies? I called Spectrum once. I was like, I think I'm going to cancel. I don't need cable anymore. And they were like, whoa, what can we do to keep you here once. I was like, I think I'm going to cancel. I don't need cable anymore. And they were like, whoa, what can we do to keep you here? And I was like, I don't know, charge me half.

And they were like, okay, we'll do that. You can barter with your cable company. Fun fact. It's old school. Yeah, I kind of like that. Try it. Do you have TV cable or no? I don't.

No, you just internet, you mean. I got streaming and all that. Oh, yeah, you guys have the thing. Yeah, you mean. I got streaming and all that. Oh, yeah. You guys have the thing. Yeah, we do. We got the chip. Salacuse is... We won't say the name of the service. We won't say anything.

Mark really floats through life without a care. Salacuse is terrified. He's a father. You're fine. But yeah. All right. So I'll noodle with that. I'll play with it. I have a couple ideas. Here's one. I went by a motel the other day.

I was just walking by a motel and it said, we have HBO. Who's getting swayed by that in this day and age? There's crackheads and there's needles in the parking lot lot but they're like, succession. Why are there crackheads in HBO?

Right, right. That's true. That's true, yeah. I don't know if there's a joke there but I saw that and I was like, that's a weird,

maybe that's nothing. It's so antiquated. It's like saying, hey, we have hot water. Everybody's got HBO. Who gives a shit? And also, I'm coming here to sleep.

I'm not really here to watch The the l word or six feet under why do you have to advertise that yeah i'm bringing it with me right right maybe maybe that's nothing maybe color tv yeah no shit is this anything there's a nba coach who uh who has cancer now and he's and i saw one of the teams like post a thing of support that said your battle is our uh our battle coach and it's like but that's but it's not really true like you don't do that with anything else i don't see a i don't see a guy in like uh battle fatigue and go hey we're in this shit together dude you know what i mean yeah like it's like you're not doing anything yeah you're just fucking you're just pretending you can support someone and say, this is our battle.

You're not going through chemo. No. You're not going through radiation. Yeah. You're just saying that. The coach should use it. Oh, it's our battle? All right, you take this round of chemo.

I'll sit it out. It's our battle? Yeah, you're losing your eyebrows and your hair too. Let's go. Yes. There you go. Everybody's got to shave. Yeah.

You should at least have to get drunk i want to see you at least vomiting if i'm vomiting you know hey right yeah our battle is i'm fucking off i got nothing well maybe the team could use it too like oh you lost three games in a row well we all have cancer it's not easy we're battling this here i don't know i got nothing i'm fucking i either have jokes that are working or i have jokes that are nothing yeah i don't know. I got nothing. I either have jokes that are working or I have jokes that are nothing. Yeah, I don't know if that punching bag thing will go anywhere. We got another ad, though. Let's do one more ad.

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All right. Well, I feel like the fact that we both have off bits is a good sign. Why? Because that means we're writing a ton. I got some new stuff cooking on stage. Same. I got a couple. Yeah, a couple.

It's tough, man. It's tough to write new jokes. And then it's like, I want to shoot something in the next four or five months. Yeah. And it's kind of like, all right, new hour. Right. It seems like it feels impossible right now to write a new hour. I know.

It really does. The idea of it just starting to scratch is just, it's always so painful. It's daunting, but it will, it can be done. And where are we going? You know, we got all the time in the world to write new shit. Yeah, dude. And the fans are so great because the drunks out there, because I got like four bits that we worked out on this in my act and they're like

I love seeing it on the show then seeing it here on stage it's so cool so they're part of the process we I mean and more than just this way and at the shows as well because we're working out there so we appreciate you guys appreciate you guys in the patreon patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod

you're the best we got a lot of road dates coming up. Where are you going to be, man? This weekend, I'm in Vancouver. We got one show left. We added a show, so there's tickets there. Then I'm in New Orleans at the Howlin' Wolf. First place I ever got paid to do comedy.

And then Comedy Castle in Royal Oak, Michigan. The Buckhead Theater in Atlanta. Charlotte Comedy Zone. I'm in Toronto for the Dark Comedy Festival. Milwaukee Improv in December, Syracuse Funnybone, my all-time nemesis, Kansas City Improv, and all kinds of good stuff coming up. So tell a friend. Where are you going to be there, Samuel? We're a lot of the same places.

I'll be at the Charlotte Comedy Zone as well. Good room. I'll be Miami the charlotte uh comedy zone as well i'll be uh miami improv in december also i'll be in uh where addison that's a fun oh addison yeah dallas uh that's uh in december richmond coming up mcgruby's coming up uh a lot of other dates are coming sacramento new york sold out pretty quickly for the Gramercy. So a bigger venue is coming. I hope you guys pay attention.

I'm very excited about it. Yeah. So we'll talk about Gramercy next time. But yeah. Hey, man, it was great. I'm grateful for the listeners and you guys on the road. It's been awesome. Yes.

Thanks for the peeves, the questions, the wrecks, the drinks. We got some new drinks coming. Beer juice coming next week. And the paper planes are out there. Everybody's talking. People are loving the paper planes. We get tagged in a ton of those. Huge.

Those took off. I don't know why that one more than the others. It's such a good cocktail. It's a great cocktail. Great name. And they look great, too. They look great. All right.

Well, thank you, guys. We love you. Thank you. Keep on drinking.