We Might Be Drunk - Ep 5: Irish Coffee & Orange Wine

Episode Date: January 12, 2021

Mark and Sam talk over one more drink.

One more drink, one more drink You know in the morning for sure we gon' stink One more round, one more round It's 5 a.m., you pricks, the bar keep round This is what we do, catch up for a few We'll riff and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two yo hey all right we're cooking we're cooking we're back baby good to be back it's been a whole week has passed and i feel

like a ton of shit has happened yeah it's a lot we're now we're now available on parlor youtube and uh i think we're doing a live from the capital next week that place is wide open what uh so you just got back from phoenix was that? Boy, are my arms tired. No, it was great. Great club. I mean, you hate to say it, but all these gun-toting towns are just living life. The sun is shining. Please be careful.

The bars are open. Very careful. I didn't really mingle with anybody, but boy, oh boy. Great club, great people, great town. I always say every guy there looks like an out-of-work UFC fighter, and every girl looks like an ex-porn star. It's Sacramento too, right? Every dude, I'm like, is that Chuck Liddell again?

Exactly. It's bad tattoos. It's weird haircuts where the sides are shaved, but the top is heavy. Utah is like that as well Yeah, Utah Underrated Salt Lake, beautiful

I can't wait to get back to Phoenix, man I really can't It's funny You just said The boy or my arm's tired We got some shit For our last episode Because we left Rodney Dangerfield

Off the one-liner comics The best one-liner comics And we just And you just quote Henny Youngman I'm like, that's another one That's the grandfather He's the king, yeah, he's the original Oh jeez, how do we live without Rodney

Take My Wife Please, though, is like the ultimate That's like the first great one-liner that I know of Killer He had a million of them I went to a hockey game No, I went to a boxing match and a hockey game broke out. He's got some great ones, like way ahead of his time.

See, Rodney's tough because I don't even see him as a one-liner. I just see him as this brilliant legendary killer comic. I don't even think of him as like a genre. Yeah, Henny Youngman won Man Sees a Doctor. Tells him he's got six weeks to live. Says he's got no money. He gives him another six weeks.

That's classic comedy. I love it. Yeah, Dangerfield, too, man. So many fucking classic. Those Carson sets are just like... Oh, dude. What's great about Dangerfield, everybody always says comedy doesn't hold up. It doesn't last.

Comedy's got an expiration date. His shit holds up for 3,000 millennia. It's got millions of views. It kills with the young and old. Dude, I'll tell you. My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend, all right? Those are like perfect lines.

I was an ugly kid, I'll tell you. I love it. Oh, it's genius. I mean, I saw a guy jogging naked in my neighborhood. I said, what are you doing? He said, I said, why are you doing that? He said, you came home early. Oh, it's genius. I mean, I saw a guy jogging naked in my neighborhood. I said, what are you doing? He said, I said, why are you doing that? He said, you came home early. Oh, it's fucking gold.

My wife called me and said, hey, come over. Nobody's home. I went over there. There was nobody home. Genius. So simple. My wife, she wants to have sex in the car. And she wants me to drive.

Come on. I went to the bartender. I said said surprise me Show me a naked picture of my wife The only problem with Rodney Is he's given hope to every Tom, Dick, and loser Who goes Rodney didn't make it until he was 57

So I still have a shot Like nah you got no shot But Rodney opened the door for all that That same sentence Rodney didn't make it until 57 Yeah man That's what we need less of right now Hope But Rodney opened the door for all that same sentence. Hey, Rodney didn't make it until 57. Yeah. Yeah, man.

That's what we need less of right now, hope. Anyway. Sorry, that was hard. No, no. Louis Black and Rodney are the two that everyone brings up, right? Right. It's funny. You ever... Joe Biden's the third.

How about Phoenix though is like That's a party How many times have you been there? I've probably been there four times It's a party town The people are in great shape And I realize I think it's because it's hot all year round

You can't put on weight there Because you'll just sweat your ass off Everybody's in shorts and flip flops And sleeveless All the girls are in yoga pants It's bananas And everybody's nice I think because you don't know who's got a gun

That's a good point I have a point Why is this guy so nice to me When I'm driving my rental car He doesn't know if I've got a Glock under the seat That's a good point I'm not a gun guy But they keep you in line, I think

That's why people in New York are such rude assholes They're like, that guy doesn't have a gun No guns, we're not allowed here That's good, that's a good point In New York, a car cuts you off You give him one of these Because you don't think he's got a gun No one's flicking off traffic

You know, in an intersection in Phoenix That's a good point No, no, sir, traffic you know in an intersection phoenix that's a good no no sir i mean you never know who's got a rifle or whatever it's uh it keeps you in line you know you don't want to die it's like the old it's like the uh the fucking andrew jackson days right oh dude joe zimmerman's andrew jackson joke if you haven't heard it google joe zimmerman on andrew jackson all the crazy shit that president did Man, give it a goog The amount of people he shot The amount of people he shot in the face

On the lawn of the White House In a duel That's when presidents didn't have their fucking henchmen do their bidding That's when they're like, I got this You know what I mean? The good old days It's funny how back then I think a president had to be like a tough badass

That was the only way you got high Now it's like Is this guy sensible? Is he a family man? Or a smart person? Back then it was like Willie, shoot this stranger Oh yeah, first president

General Washington I mean, bad motherfucker Yeah, wooden teeth Smoked weed Owned slaves It was a different time I like that I'm like badass teeth, smoked weed, owned slaves. It was a different time. I like them like badass. You're like, he owned slaves.

I'm like, I don't know. Well, I think back then if you didn't own a slave, it was weird. Like, look at this pussy. Like you're not eating meat now? Yeah, yeah, exactly. If you didn't own a slave, you were vegan. What about, hmm, I'm thinking of what presidents have won Was Taft a badass?

Who was the president who died like immediately In the office or someone who died He died in a tub or he got stuck in the tub But then like Teddy Roosevelt was shot During a speech and finished the speech Which is for a comic I'm like I get heckled One guy yells you suck

I cancel the show you know this guy's getting shot in the shoulder it's amazing when you think of like how the shit people accomplish and then i'm just like i i fought to get to my bodega for an egg sandwich at like 135 today exactly i was like i was like fucking like let me put some fucking let me put the rocky theme on i'm like i made i was like i i missed i missed it by five minutes They cut it off at 1.30 And publicists were weird Or were different back then Now it's like

Trump said retard in a tweet So we gotta scrub that from the internet So he doesn't get a bunch of hate But back in the day What's the guy Oh is it Truman Oh I'm an idiot The guy who couldn't walk

FDR Yeah maybe it was him. He had to fake being able to walk. So they would put like stirrups and metallic beams in his pants so he could kind of shuffle around for the camera. Like when you use peanut butter on a dog For like an animated thing Yeah, exactly But it's like, look, who cares We don't need this guy jogging But back then, you need your image An image of a strong president He's getting wheeled around like, my legs are hanging on

They're not completely dead What are you drinking? Oh, good question Good question Well, I stayed out all night drinking last night, and I had like the 8 a.m. flight. And then the flight's five and a half hours from Phoenix. So I'm like running on fumes. I took a nap.

So I figured I need a little jolt, and we're having a cocktail. So we're going to do a little. Hold on. I got a big cup of coffee And then a friend of mine, Jamie Lynn Was nice enough to give me She's a booze distributor So I tried to get her

I met her, she came to my show the other night Tall, good looking, Puerto Rican Jew Yeah, she By the way, she said she was going to send me one of those bottles Jamie Lynn, if you're watching, I'd love one So are you doing an Irish coffee right right now is that what you're telling sir oh this is a first an irish coffee on our show i know right uh i never really drink these i'm a bloody mary guy but fuck it yeah if you're if you're if you're forced to go to like a brunch

or something you're bloody mary over mimosa all day right oh yeah well i'm a heterosexual male here i mean i can't i can't hold that little flute might as well be a skin flute i'm also not big on making already weak drinks weaker right right good point yeah i don't bloody mary it's got the sodium it's got the okra and the pickle and the onion, the celery, and I like tomato juice, so BM all day. Tomato juice is great, man. I love an old episode of Mad Men when they're in the meeting and they've got those little glass carafts of they've got the mimosa, they've got the Bloody Mary. That's a fucking business meeting. That's how you do business, man. I know. Man, some lady back then with like a mini skirt had to fill that tomato juice carafe for the boss to come in. That's insane. Different time.

Yeah, and then she got filled by the boss. It was a very different time. She was Bloody Mary later. All right. I went too far. No, there is no too far. This is the bar. I'm doing a glass of wine, and I've been doing brown liquor tequila every week.

I'm doing a very funky glass of wine, dude. I'm doing natural wine. Natural? That's right. It's fucking orange, dude. Look at that. Yeah, it looks like apple juice. Dude, it's delicious.

It's funky. It's weird. This is the bottle right here. Oh. So now, is this considered a white? I guess it's white grapes But it's like, I'm not a big white guy But the orange is pretty damn good, man I'm not a big white wine guy I kind of always remember that show Bored to Death would be on

With Jason Schwartzman I used to love that show I liked it, but I didn't love that he was a white wine guy See, I like a white wine. On a hot day, you know, growing up in New Orleans, white wine was... I like this. It was like there at the table. It was like a table wine. The red was too thick. The teeth

turned blue or purple. The tongue gets thick. I don't know. This is where you show your southern roots and I show my New York roots, because I'm like, I like a full-bodied red wine in the winter. There's something nice about it. A bourbon or a red wine in the winter. There's something nice about it. It looks great. A bourbon or a red wine in the winter for sure.

Yeah. See, that sounds nice. Wine is like weed to me. Red wine is like weed where I see a guy hitting it and I'm like, damn, that looks good. And then I do it. I'm like, ah, this is too much. But I get it. You know, it goes great with food.

It's just, it's too heavy for me. It's too, it's too Cody coats my, It's too, it's too coat-y. It coats my mouth, which I guess is what people like. It does do that. But like red wine and pasta, man, that's what it's all about. See, that's what everybody tells me. It sounds good to you. But I don't know.

I just, it's too, it's too thick and I want to like it. You know, the Greeks are chugging wine and, you know, I've seen these old photos Of the castle But Yeah They had a whole god of wine Dionysus

The god of wine That's true Wow What a bunch of booze bags Yeah It's weird that that's your Your whole thing though It's like you know

Zeus is like Throwing lightning bolts At people You know Yeah There's people God of music God of beauty

And then Yeah And then he's like I just get shit-faced. And they're like, all right. Right. Probably the most fun god. Probably.

Hades might be fun, though. Ah, Hades. Yeah, he seems cool. Better than Hermes. Hermes, what a lame god. He's like a UPS guy. He's like an executive assistant. He's a fucking god

Yeah, exactly Cupid, never got it Cupid Valentine's Day, what a dumb fucking holiday It fucks dudes in the ass It kills us It's so much pressure You gotta make the girl happy

You gotta spend a ton of money It's gotta be the right thought put into it You need two gifts too Flowers aren't enough anymore it needs to be like it needs to be like the nice big gift and then like the dumb thoughtful gift right right like that little one that's like i care i put thought into this yes i god i hate that shit and then you gotta throw the dinner on top so you gotta have flowers you gotta get the gift and then we gotta go out to dinner you don't even get points for the flowers anymore, by the way No

Because flowers are an obvious one Flowers are like, yeah, of course you're getting me flowers Right It's like a kid getting candy on Halloween Now they want more Right, right I want a gift card, bitch Yeah

You're eight Get out of here That was a bad analogy I feel like kids are fine with candy I feel like I missed the mark On that analogy I don't know, I could see They want a cool costume

That's the point I was making Yeah, I get it, but no, you're right Flowers is default now, it has to be done It's just understood Michael Che had that great joke He's like, I get you a gift And you blow me on Valentine's He's like, you should be blowing me on Tuesday

Why is this a gift now? This is part of the deal, we're dating Damn, Michael Che That's old too, that's like a 10 year old joke He's got a few where you're just like Ah, fuck you I know, I know I just signed an old picture of the three of us,

of the cellar one night. It's a classic, man. Damn, where did these fucking days go? I had that picture framed. I know that we were at the VU. Yeah, damn. Man, Jay, speaking of one more drink, I don't want to out the guy,

but nobody could booze like Jay Back in the day Like those Caroline's nights Where you got an open bar Oh my god he would get smushed I thought we could drink And then we'd be like oh yeah he's a fucking heavyweight That guy

And you never really saw him puking or stumbling Like you know I've seen you walk down Broadway I gotta tackle you before the horse and buggy hits you. And same with me. I'm wet in the bed. Remember that time you cured me after that Christmas party? I think I, like, fucking threw you over a shoulder and threw you in a cab. I was like, I'm not letting this fucking guy go anywhere.

I woke up in your apartment. I'd never been there. You had a female roommate. I didn't know what was going on. You made me a kale smoothie. I'll never forget it. I was just trying to bring you back to life, man. Put some good nutrients in the bod. Yeah, that was a tough morning. I couldn't know what was going on. You made me a kale smoothie. I'll never forget it. I was just trying to bring you back to life, man. Put some good nutrients in the bod.

Yeah, that was a tough morning. I couldn't walk. I was like FDR. I couldn't get out of bed. You gave me the smoothie. We went and got pizza. We watched Eastbound and Down. I gave you some beans so you could make it look like you'd walk.

And Eastbound and Down, dude. Is there a better hangover show? No, I was not into it I never heard of it, you showed it to me That Danny McBride McBride? He's the best So good, I mean, he's kind of a Bill Murray Where he's doing the same guy every movie

And you're fine with it Yes He's so fucking funny It's like he's a dude that you're like I don't care if it's not a good movie I'll still watch it if he's in it Totally, totally And he's got the cool backstory

I think he made that movie Fist Way Foot Fist Way, yeah, it's insane It's completely insane He's just the same guy He's just Kenny Powers But he's like a shitty Taekwondo instructor Exactly

Exactly But like Adam McKay saw it And Will Ferrell loved it And then they scooped him up And I love shit like that Like swingers You know Favreau

And Vince Vaughn They're just skinny punks Trying to make it You know Dude I got a Favreau story Swingers first off Like

I had the poster on my wall As a kid Love it Don't get me started Like I mean I know they're not supposed to be cool but i was a little kid i thought they were cool man i know they're making fun of themselves and like vince vaughn was like a hot dude you're like oh he's like so cool and

uh basically i'm doing a show there's a good michael che story we're opening for kevin nealon at carolines many years ago i just told this story in Doug loves movies, but it's short anyway. And that's a fun weekend. Oh dude. Che was the most fun guy to do those weekends with. Cause he would drink and he's low key. He's like, he just kind of, he's like, just kind of pops in and we'll be like downing drinks with you all night.

It's great. Yeah. But we both are kind of killing all weekend until sunday it's a light crowd they're kind of stiff we're not doing that hot and it's like whatever i'm like fuck that's john favreau in the crowd i love swingers this sucks and then he comes back to the green room to chill with kevin nealon's a great guy yeah he's like such kevin nealon is like super nice like i remember he's like watching my set, giving me tags. Ah, great guy.

I had a bit, I was just like trying out what I was saying. Like, how was it? I remember this joke and he gave me, this is like Kevin Nealon's mind is how funny I think he is. But, uh, I'm doing a bit, uh, well, I'm like as a young kid, like how, like when you're a kid, you're walking around the street with a joint in your mouth, like fuck the police. And now I'm like at that age where I'm like where the fuck are the police you know whenever anything happens and then uh his time his tag was something like uh you hear you hear uh machine guns and

you're like oh it's just part of the song you know the man like that's fucking like he'd give tags i'm like oh these are like he's got a weird clever mind but anyway we're in the green room and um che is like let's take a picture all of us and i could tell like favreau's like these guys i don't want to take a picture i'm just catching up with my friend i just watch these idiots bomb probably yeah and and he's like uh okay and che like grabs them all in and i'm just like laughing i'm like this is awful you know it's like not how I want to meet Jon Favreau. Sure. And take the picture.

And then I'm like, well, that was fucking weird. Anyway, five days later, SD at the Comedy Cellar is like, can you do an A15 tonight? Someone probably Norton or Colin Quinn dropped out. I go by. Who's in the front row? Fucking Jon Favreau. Whoa. I just watched him hate me again I watched him dislike my set

Twice in one week Oh man, well the joke's on him Because you got into the Joker He has nothing to do with the Joker I know, but I could see him going This guy's going nowhere, he's a hack He's doing the same act, I saw him twice in one night I hate him, he's going nowhere Then boom, you're's doing the same act I saw him twice in one night I hate him He's going nowhere

Then boom You're in a fucking Todd Phillips movie And he makes The Mandalorian So And Iron Man I know I know

He's a fucking beast He was famous then But now he's like Tastemaker famous Like he can He's directing movies He's doing all kinds of shit And his episode of The Sopranos is like the funniest.

Oh, yeah. Wow, I forgot about that. It's one of the funniest episodes. Also, you know he's made it when he did that movie Chef, which was not great. I think it's overrated. But his wife in the movie is Kat. No, what's her name?

What's the chick from Modern Family? The Colombian? The hotian? Sofia Vergara? His wife is Sofia Vergara, and his ex is Scarlett Johansson. I'm like, this is so unrealistic. This fat loser, Chef Thief, has got the two hottest women in Hollywood as his ex-wife and current wife. I'm like, all right, you're too big now Fat dudes had a run where their ego

Like the whole Kevin James thing Where you're like, all right, dude It is weird when it became a thing Where the fat dude just always had the hottest wife I mean, dad bod was a huge phenomenon Women were like, I like a dad bod, what can I say? All these fat guys Were just cashing in That ain't a dad bod

That's a fucking uncle bod That's not Come on That is Yeah he was large I hate dad bod That's so fucking When they were like

Jason Momoa's dad bod I'm like fuck all of you He's ripped He's ripped That's his whole thing Yeah Come on You know what else I hate

And I get it But I'm a cunt When they go Nice dad else I hate? And I get it, but I'm a cunt when they go, nice dad joke. I'm like, look, I get what you're saying, but you know who's a dad? Louis C.K., Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Bill Burr. These are fathers.

It's a bit of a leap to just say it's a dad joke. I get it, but I don't know. There's a lot of funny dads out there. Who the hell's saying that? I get that all the time. I mean, I like to tweet dumb puns and dumb little jokes. Yeah. But Twitter's like your fucking...

Twitter's like your garbage can. You're just like throwing... You're just like, these are like jokes I wouldn't tell a lot of... Sometimes it's a premise you tell on stage, but you know. Right. Of course. Dad, you're right. It's condescending.

Yeah. Then there's this dad rock and there's... I guess there's mom jeans. Yeah. Jeans are not as bad as joke. That's true. I don't think so. Huh. Interesting.

But yeah, Favreau, wow. That's fun that you died in front of one of the Hollywood elites. Oh, man, brutal. It's like one of the things I forgot about, and they were talking about him on Doug Loves Movies. It's like, you know when you just have those, and you're like, fuck, flashback, early comedy. Yeah, oh yeah. Speaking of those crazy Caroline's booze nights, the Caroline's was so cool because we were young comics, and we were doing shit bar rooms and whatever club we could get our hands on. But if a big headliner came to Caroline's, they would trust us to bring the heat and have jokes.

So you got to do it like a 350 seater in the middle of midtown. Sold out. It was the highlight of your life for the whole weekend and make like 500 bucks in the city. Yeah. So you, you got the, the cream of the crop,

best gig ever. Jim Jeffrey's weekend. We all shit blood. We're like, Holy hell. I said, I, I said I know the opener Was it 10 years ago? Probably 10 years ago yeah

I was like I know Sam well He's a booze bag I want to get sloppy I'm a huge fan of Jim Jeffries I'm hanging out there all weekend We went out I mean Che was there Green Bomb was getting trashed by Jeffries the whole weekend called him a homo and everything That was so fun

Che was on that show too Yeah, that was crazy Also me and Che I guess they paired me with Che a lot But it was always fun Oh, dude I remember going out to the Molly Wee No, not the Molly Wee

What's that red bar right across the street? Not the Playwright Yeah, Playwright playwright yeah and uh i would be drinking like a whiskey and soda and he would just do the thing where he tipped it like keep going bitch you know drink more you're like i'm gonna die but that's that's who he was i remember one night we must have had like he went so hard well first off i invited him to my family's thanksgiving that year what yeah because he was like i was like i bet he's got nowhere to go for thanksgiving and i was like maybe you

should come and uh he was too hungover he couldn't make it yeah but i was also like that's probably for the yeah hey you cut the turkey dry i got an anecdote for you people So I'm fucking a tie hooker in the ass Right? And my mom's like oh dear Yeah no It was probably for the best But I mean my parents have seen Jim's act And they think he's hilarious

I mean he is He does kind of transcend You know Because he's so smart I mean his gun bit's the best bit of the last 20 years, man. It's unbelievable. Yeah, he's crass, but it's still smart and it's fun. And anybody can get on board and he's quick, too.

If he gets heckled, he's a fucking killer. Yeah, he's a killer. I mean, I remember that weekend. I still remember lines from it where he said to someone in the crowd, you're gonna wake up tomorrow morning and you're gonna think I was a bit of a cunt. And that's the only time you're right. Yeah, he was fun. Every comic had that crazy wild...

I hate to reminisce like a douche, but that was like there was no political bullshit. There was no like everybody trying to cancel or anything. it was just like jokes funny boozy weekends we were also so much younger i mean it was all just about like i think we didn't even i think twitter was less of a thing at the time twitter twitter was more a place to like be like let me try like a fucked up joke on twitter and it wasn't like now it's like people

just pander and that's what they get their likes Like look at what happened And look there's a It is good sometimes but it's not good for comedy No It's good for news sometimes But it's not good for a joke No no and it just keeps getting meaner and meaner

And people are looking for ways to be like That joke sucked You're like I know that's why I put it on here, you douche Get out of here But yeah, those were fun times And I'm glad we lived it up, too Who did you open for there? It was like a hot weekend, do you remember?

Oh, jeez J.B. Smoove was unbelievable Oh, yeah Was he a fun hang? Not too much of a hang Because he was getting so famous that he was in and out. But he's got full leather suits on. He's got these crazy glasses.

At one point, he was killing, and I left to go get a beer. I came back, and he was climbing the diamonds on the wall. I was like, this is a hell of a show. Also, fun about him, it was right when Curb was Curb. Like, Curb was new and hot, and he was on Curb. And you look out in the crowd. I'm opening. It's all Jews.

It's like yarmulkes as far as the eye can see. And even when I bring him up, they go, ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba. Wow. The place goes nuts. He comes out. Within six minutes, half the room was empty because he was so filthy. Wow, that's hilarious. So they wanted Leon, but they got JB.

Yeah, and Leon's dirty, but JB is like, filth, dumpster fire, gross, cum in my eye, your asshole's bleeding, whatever it is. And you can see the Leibitz's and the and the bombs like all right we gotta we gotta we gotta get that l-i-r-r back it may as well have been a bar mitzvah yeah it really he really he is a dirty guy but he's so funny i mean like so funny yeah he i remember i saw him one morning it's he's got such a nice energy about him we used to have the same manager and he uh So he was always friendly and stuff But then I remember doing morning radio In Baltimore one morning

And just being like a mess And he comes out and just goes like Hey! And I was like oh shit That energy is just so It's so nice He has like a real showbiz energy But like a positive you know

Totally totally yeah He's a good egg And he was like one of us, just a struggling guy, kind of doing gigs here and there. And then he got Curb and it all changed. Yeah, it's crazy because he's in a lot of movies too. But I guess, yeah, Curb was huge for him. Oh, yeah.

Recurring, good money. HBO finally got some exposure. Because I think he was on like, there's always that urban circuit where like, I did BET's this and Comic View that. But it's not really enough to propel you into theaters or anything. Yeah, it's always, you need so much to be, like, because we just want to be comics. We just want to be stand-ups. We got to do so many fucking things now.

I know. And you just don't think about it. Yeah, it's the worst. But, you know, shit, I mean, it gave us an excuse to do yeah it's it's the worst but you know shit i mean it gave us an excuse to do this this is kind of fun you know this is great but like how many chad daniels are out there or anthony devito's or guys where you're like man you should be huge or you should be at least selling out yeah no you're right and if if you don't know who those guys are chad daniels anthVito, look them up.

YouTube them. Buy their albums. Spotify their shit. Yeah, chillers. Buy tickets from them on the road. Canaan is a fucking beast. It's Comedy Central with him, though. It's like, you know, how many specials did he give to Comedy Central?

Three? They buried him, man. I mean, he's a great... It's weird where I'm negotiating with him. I mean, he's a he's a he's a great it's like it's like it's weird. Well, I'm like, I'm negotiating with him. I'm like, can I just please be seen somewhere? I know. I know. Then you're like, maybe I'll put it on my YouTube. And they're like, kill yourself. We'll sue you. You're like, all right. You might want to get some eyeballs on this, but whatever.

Well, it's a model. It's like we're going against. I mean, I remember when I was like negotiating Because we did similar things where Amy Schumer Produced both of ours And you know I remember negotiating To get it online and they were like It'll be on Amazon and I was like beautiful Amazon everyone has Amazon I can at least direct People there and then it wasn't on Amazon

I guess their deal with Amazon fell through And then I was like well it's got to be on the It'll be on the website and they're like yeah It'll be on the website there's an ad every, yeah, it'll be on the website. There's an ad every three minutes. Ah, come on. Who the fuck? And these are like, I don't know where these commercials come from. These are like three-minute breaks.

I'm like, it's killing. It kills any momentum. And it's like. Mine was on the app, whatever that means. So they're like, you got to sign up for this app. And I'm directing. I'm trying to help fans out via DM. Like, all right, you got to go here. Put your and i'm directing i'm trying to like help fans out you know via dm like all right you got to go here put your name in they're going to send you a code

to your phone then you put the code in and i'm like i don't even want to do this it's my special i'm like with my parents they're like turn it on i'm like i can't figure it out we just said fuck it we hey we went to fucking ruby tuesday we couldn't handle it it was too much that's uh no it's it's brutal, man. It really, it's a bummer because we were like, we got the money, but we were like sacrificial lambs for this experiment with their app and it didn't work. So, you know, it is what it is. It's bittersweet, you know, because you got these, like a guy like Chris Stefano, fucking

hilarious, great guy guy he did an hour With them who knows if anybody saw it I hope they did but now he's just Running around making his own shit And cleaning up so Yeah and look I also Love so many of the people at Comedy Central That's the other thing it's like they were handcuffed

By a shitty corporation in Viacom I mean that's really what it was Roy Wood. I mean, that's really what it was. Roy Wood. Brilliant. I mean, but when your model is out of date, like imagine telling people like, hey, watch my thing at 11 p.m. Like everyone would be like, go fuck yourself.

Exactly. We knew that was at a place in time years ago. We knew that. But I mean, it's funny, like i'm sure you get this when you go on stage i did a show and they were like you know no one there knew me whatever it was you know and they were like he's got a uh he's got a new youtube special and it got a laugh and i was like oh no well it's just like some of the public if they're not comedy savvy they don't know that that's a thing that people do of course of course and like, no, we're doing this for longevity

and for eyeballs and for the long game. We're not like, we could maybe sell it somewhere, but no one will ever, like, you want to sell it to Epix, go ahead. Right, right, exactly. Might as well sell it to Hallmark or Starz or Oxygen. My new special is actually on the Oprah Network. Well, I think you're right I think YouTube

Is the future I think YouTube is where podcasts were 10 years ago Imagine if 10 years ago you went on stage And said hey this next guy's got a podcast You'd be like who gives a fuck What does that mean? But YouTube was a punchline People used to say

You could see his next special on YouTube And i'm like that's the fucking way dude totally i mean tell that to some unboxing kid from asia who makes 10 million dollars a week uh opening packages with his mom in his pajamas that kid's fucking he's bigger than bezos he's getting his dick sucked by other 10 year olds he's like i'm fucking i'm a rock star yeah yeah he unflaps that back pajama thing he's getting his ass eaten by some kid you know yeah those kids have got it made all those youtube stars are killing it what uh so tell me it was phoenix do you uh what give me phoenix stories i know you've had some phoenix stories oh dude man i, I've had some wild nights in Phoenix

That's a fucking That's a crazy road gig Oh, man, Scottsdale We gotta talk about Scottsdale, which is like a Phoenix suburb Basically It's all dentist wives They drive in golf carts And everybody's got fake white teeth

And hair pieces and polo shirts Everybody plays golf And, I mean, this is, I don't know carts and everybody's got fake white teeth and you know hair pieces and polo shirts everybody plays golf and i mean i this is i don't know seven years ago i ran i ran through like a series of milfs in uh scottsdale it was unbelievable i was like a pool boy for a weekend and uh and it was all one week it was the same what were you doing the apps or was after the show no i think it was all one week. It was the same. What were you doing? The apps or was after the show? No, I think it was pre apps. It was after the show. And like,

there's so many beautiful women in that area that I think they're not as entitled. So they're like, Hey, this, uh, mediocre comedian is talking to me. That's pretty good.

Hmm. Yeah. My husband won't talk to me. That club stand up Scottsdale for those of you listening. I mean, first off the club was on Bar Rescue twice. And it was not rescued. It was still fucked.

It was not rescued. It was a hilarious episode. I mean, so, yeah, it's got problems. I remember I watched the reunion episode where they, like, bring it back to see how it's doing. Yeah. And our man howard hughes who ran it first off great guy but you know there were some issues uh first off you know he would go up and do like 30 minutes and you're just like fuck all right come on howard like i

know your heart's in the right place but he'd be like you guys aren't drinking enough and i'd be like oh i gotta follow this all right he's like order there's a two drink minimum And I'd be like you don't Just have the manager tell you You don't say that on stage Right right he was an eccentric to say the least He had big coke rimmed glasses And he was on coke And he would do a shady kind of slimy

Club owner thing where There was like six open micers Seven open micers sitting in the back of the club And he would go You and you. And they'd be like, yes. And they each did five minutes for free. These poor kids thought they were getting a good slot or a good deal or a paid gig.

And they got five minutes for free. That's hilarious. Yeah, he would. I remember on the Bar Rescue Redemption episode, he, John Taffer was like, this man was a Marine? He goes, I don't want to humiliate him. I respect what he did for our country. And there's a whole crowd. And Howard gets in his face and it's like about to get ugly.

And you see one of the managers in the crowd. She stands up and goes, Howard, no. And that's, they kept reusing that one line. What was she saying that for? Howard, no, like don't start shit with John Taffer Like, don't fight him Howard, no That's great

It was terrible But anyway, I got a Howard Hughes story I did that club I did that So first off, this is So I did the club the first time This is when it was in the bar rescue place So I guess it was like a really cool looking place.

Yeah. Right. Remember that that room was beautiful. I thought it was a big space. Anyway, comedy. I go back and this is how I go back. No one tells me that it's changed venues. So I just land.

He picks me up and he's like, all right, man. So here's the I was like, oh, it's a new hotel. He's like, yeah, that's the club, too. So it's like, oh, uh so here's the i was like oh it's a new hotel he's like yeah that's the club too so it's like oh okay it's a new club i'm like it's like a looks like a mexican restaurant he's like yeah that's what it is it's in the back of a mexican restaurant i was like all right well whatever i mean i'm here i guess so i'm there everything about it's a mess like uh he was like he had this amazing girlfriend she was like so cool and she was like she was like what you were saying she's like a hot yogi and so nice. And I remember he would just be like, I'd be like, all right, dude, like someone's acting

out in there. Can you just like help out? And he was just like, my girlfriend's really mad at me. I blacked out last night. I got to get out of here. You're the fucking, you're running the club. Come on. Wow.

You jump ship. You're running the club. Come on. Wow. You jump ship. So anyway, I'm doing the show and it's like Howard on stage, whatever. I go up and I'm doing well. I'm like, all right, I'm doing pretty well.

It's good. Some guy knocks his drink over and I'm like, I guess I'm killing pretty hard. And I'm just like, I'm like, I am right. I see it. Like this woman's like, he's having a stroke. And I'm just like, I'm like, I am, right? I see it. Like this woman's like, he's having a stroke. And I'm just like, oh my God. So I have to be like, all right, stop the show. Stop.

I have to get off stage. We have to call an ambulance. I'm like, Howard, call an ambulance from the stage. He calls an ambulance. Then he comes in. And obviously I'm like, the show is over. I'm not. Yeah.

The guy has a stroke. So he's like being a good sport about it. He's an older guy. And Howard comes in and starts. He starts doing shtick. Howard gets on stage and he's like, so he's like, don't worry. I've had a stroke. So Howard's had a stroke too, we find out.

By the way, it's yeah, it's from Coke and Red Bull. That's what it was. It wasn't like a, it wasn't a Coke where you're like, poor guy. I was like, no, you brought on yourself. Yeah. But he's, he's you brought it on yourself. Yeah. But he's riffing, and the guy's not answering, and I'm just like, let him fucking have a stroke. Yeah, don't do your tight stroke chunk on this guy. Like, let him.

What is a stroke exactly? Do you shake? Do you seizure? What does that look like? It looked like a bit. I think it's a lot of like i think it has to do with like blood clots or something let me yeah but uh yeah no it looked like he was shaking it wasn't a seizure uh i think you can lose feeling on side of your face or stuff like that yeah i

mean look we've seen it with people we know where like they lose feeling in their arm it's uh yeah it's fucking bad it's bad yeah when the blood supply to part of your brain is interrupted or reduced preventing brain tissue from getting oxygen and nutrients all right yeah yeah so that's what i guess i could slur speech and hurt speech so how far into the set were you i was like 20. so anyway he keeps going and finally the guy gets taken out in a stretcher and like it's such a fucking good dude he gives us like a thumbs up and we're like whatever so i'm like all right i and it seemed like he was gonna be okay it seemed like he was

speaking okay and everything but uh then howard gets off and he's like are you gonna go back up and i'm just like i mean i guess he's i guess i should people it's fairly full i should probably go back on so i gave it like 10 minutes just like out of like you know let's give this a minute and then i went back on and just shat on howard for like 20 minutes straight and it was killing i was like this dumb motherfucker had a stroke here's how the crowd's like applauding and he to his credit was laughing his ass off in the corner so i'm like i mean he's a nut but it's like god we meet a lot of nuts in this business like he is a well-meaning one i'll give him that that's all we care about as long as you're not malicious we don't mind a psycho or a weirdo as long as you're a nice psycho we don't give a shit

yeah and uh he could take a joke and that's the i think you made the right call there because you gotta what else could you do well you got to stop the show too but then you got to be like all right i mean people bought tickets let's give them a show but you got to give that guy a moment for fuck's sake but this is the only art form where somebody has a stroke or a heart attack or something horrible happens in the crowd. And you're going, how can I make this funny? What's a good line here? I need a singer here.

You know, if that happens in Hamilton, they go, hey, oh, stop the show. You know, they take the wigs off for a second. Do they? I don't know. I wouldn't know. Yeah. And Les Mis is like Jean Valjean. Like, first I stole bread.

Now I have to watch this shit. Everyone's applauding. I don't know. Yeah, and Les Mis is like Jean Valjean, like, first I stole bread, now I have to watch this shit. Everyone's applauding. I don't know. Yeah, man. I don't know what you do. It's so... That's happened twice. It happened at the comic strip once, and a guy collapsed.

No, it was a woman collapsed, and they had to call an ambulance, and Chuck Nice was on stage. Yeah, I mean, shit happens. You gotta... I mean, when you do enough shows you're gonna see some shit i mean that's never happened to you uh nothing like that i've never seen i've seen fights break out i've seen you know uh yeah i've seen like punches thrown but never uh never a stroke or a like an ambulance thing's fucking crazy. It was fucking weird. That one was like, yeah, I mean,

this life, man. Anyway, give me a pet peeve, man. All right. Mine's weird. I get really specific with my pet peeves. I don't know. I get weirded out by odd shit.

I had this one. I'm in Phoenix. I get weirded out by odd shit. But I had this one. I'm in Phoenix. I'm at a bar with the opener. And great guy, Zoltan. Check him out. Oh, yeah. He's funny. He's really funny.

You know him? Yeah, yeah. He's a San Diego guy, right? San Diego. Super cool. Super funny. I requested him. I feel horrible saying this, but they sent me two openers.

They're like, watch these videos. I was like, all right. And they were pretty rough. And I was like, how me two openers they're like here watch these videos i was like all right and they were pretty rough and i was like how about this guy they're like okay fine so i got them in they're never had it's like guess what we're gonna we're gonna bring a good comic i hate when they give us shit for the like and i'm like hey we're doing this for the good of the show i don't want to follow i want to follow a good comedian yes the the crowd will like it the show will do better Why are you sending me this fucking puppeteer guy So I just got him in there

And he hadn't done a show indoors In like eight months So he was all wacky But he pulled it together He's got some killer new stuff That guy writes He's funny He's a very respected guy in the San Diego scene as well

They all are like He's the dude Oh yeah, by San Diego scene as well. They all are like, he's the dude. Oh, yeah. By the way, he's got a special on YouTube. It has like 2 million views, which is pretty great for a guy with not a lot of TV stuff. It's the new way, man. Yeah. I think it's called Modern Guy or something or Modern Man.

Modern Male? Modern Male. Yeah, I think you're right. Shit, I should know that. But yeah. I remember thinking, I was like, is that like a little nod to the Iggy Pop? I'm just a modern guy. Maybe.

Maybe. He's a funky guy. Who knows? Yeah. All right, so we go to this bar, and the bar had free pizza. And I was like, oh shit, look at this. Free pizza. You know me. If I at this free p you know me if i see something free i'm all over it and i i jump on it and i'm like wow what's this what's this about

this is so crazy and one guy standing at the bar goes why are you complaining just enjoy it i'm like well i'm not complaining i'm just saying like where why what's the deal like this is pretty great there's just like eight boxes of pizza with like loaded pepperoni and sausage and veggies. I'm like, this is awesome. Is this like a deal they do every Friday? And he's like, stop questioning it. Just enjoy it. I'm like, I'm not bitching.

I'm curious. And I fucking lost it on this guy. I'm like, look, why can't I question? Maybe we can figure out how we can get more if I ask how we got it, you know? So that was my pet peeve. I hate that shit. Stop questioning it. No one's questioning it.

I'm curious. Yeah. Is curiosity not allowed? And that's how you get more. That's how, you know, it's like if you put your tongue on this part of the labia and your girlfriend goes crazy, you're like, hey, what was that? So I can do it again. And she's not going to be like, oh, just enjoy the orgasm. No, I want to figure was that so i can do it again and she's not gonna be like oh don't just enjoy the orgasm no i want to figure it out so i can get it again second half it was you that enjoyed the orgasm i'm trying to fucking help you yeah that's that's crazy that

that just just don't question it what is this religion what do i have to fucking we can't just have some pizza i want to know why we're having the pizza i know i know exactly so he's like why you complain i'm like i'm not complaining you don't know what complaining is yeah that's fucking annoying i do love the free pizza at a bar though i remember like crocodile and alligator lounge here in new york used to pull that and it wasn't even that great pizza but when you have a couple beers how the fuck can you tell the difference honestly of course that was a big date spot for a poor comedian that's dinner and drinks in one shot and for comics and we do shows there i mean it was fantastic oh that was a great one

yeah you get a free pizza with every drink it was like a personal pan pizza when you're broke that's heaven it was crazy and it was like card it was like pretty shitty but it was pretty good when you had a couple drinks ah dude isn't it crazy when we were in our 20s what we consumed? I mean, I'm surprised I wasn't just miscarriaging every morning. Like, I would get drunk all night, eat halal, and then go to bed. Yeah, I mean, shit. I think about, like, what gives me diarrhea now, and I'm just like, I'm like, what did I have?

Like, something from, like, the dig in. I got, like, a healthy bowl or something, and I'm just like, what did I have? Like something from the dig in. I got like a healthy bowl or something. And I'm just like, oh, shit. Although I am drinking still and have a lot of coffee. Let's face it. We're not super healthy, Mark. No, you're right. You're right.

But back then it was like, yeah, I'll take a Percocet. Give me that bottle of whiskey and hand me that lamb shank. And it was all gravy. Or diner. We go to a diner all night Get a meatloaf You know I miss those

The diner nights Are the ones I miss the most Man When it'd be like When it'd be like A tell would be like We're going to the We're going to the

Whatever diner on You know In Chelsea or wherever 4am Drunk Mozzarella sticks Just The best man

Nothing better Diners are like What's hurting me As much as anything right now There's something about the hang and the peace of a diner Yes You feel like you own the place You're in there

You look around, it's other degenerates Just like you You're not really judged You can eat fries, apple pie, milkshake Or eggs It's everything And you got your guys with it it's a great hang i love it it's always open you get a nice greek waiter being like what do you like

and you're like yeah i fucking like that energy i like that energy love it yeah you get a bowl of lucky charms or the swordfish whatever you want no one's getting the swordfish no one's getting the swordfish. No one's getting the swordfish. But dude, a coffee and like eggs, it's fucking heaven. Late at night. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a, I'm with you on that pet peeve. I got one. It's that.

Hit me. A lot of people are doing this now. And obviously, suicide rates are much higher. Depression is much higher. It's a tough time. A lot of people are writing online, you're not alone. And I'm like, guess what? A lot of people are alone right now. That's not helpful. A lot of people are writing online, you're not alone. And I'm like, guess what? A lot of people are alone right now.

That's not helpful. A lot of people are physically, I'm alone in my apartment right now. So when people are like, you're not alone, I'm like, I'm looking around and I'm alone physically. Not only that, if I'm not alone, that's actually cause for concern. If someone comes out of my closet, I'm like, that's not fucking helping my mood right now. Right, right right that's true yeah you're not alone it's like no we are online isn't doesn't count as hanging out see i think a lot of people confuse twitter with like i'm in a conversation i'm hanging we got a group going

no that's not a group this is increasing our feelings of isolation, social media. Like it is linked to every sort of depression. Yeah, here's how you know. They say never drink alone. If you're drinking on Facebook with 5,000 friends, it's still alone. That still counts as drinking by yourself. Yeah, they're not. It's weird that we've increased our amount of friends on these like social media platforms. But we have like lesser true friendships.

Yes. Very true. Very true. Like true friendships are like just being around a person. Like, that's why I think like, I think our friendship proceeds this social media boom. So maybe that's why we feel like we could still do this and we're kind of in

the same room. Yeah. But when you think about it, how many friendships are like Just DMing How are you buddy It's shit like that You checking in your friends But like

We hung a lot Coming out Yeah Exactly The DM shit It's nice But it's empty calories It's not an actual relationship

Really You know It's a bunch of acquaintances Which is cool But yeah It's You know what it is We push away from discomfort

You know Cause Actually going to meet the guy At the diner and then maybe running out of things to say, having an awkward pause or his mom died. You got to hear about that for 20 minutes. You know, like there's always there's always a little bit of discomfort. And with the DM, it's like, hey, we're still friends. I don't have to do anything. I'm checking two boxes. The discomfort is different. It's not like a discomfort where there's an awkward silence It's a discomfort where it's like Did they see that and not respond?

Yeah, exactly It's a different thing The discomfort in real life We ever just see a movie And people are talking They're like, this is my brother And we're best friends And they're just like, that's not how you talk to your brother

In real life When you talk to your brother, there's awkward I love my brother and we're best friends. And we just kind of, and they were just like, that's not how you talk to your brother in real life. It's like, when you talk to your brother, there's like awkward, like, I love my brother. I'm close to my brother, but like,

there are like awkward silences. It's with family. I think always for the most part, you know? Sure. That's part of, part of being around each other, you know?

And, and back to your friends thing, the Facebook, we have more friends, but they're not actual friends. And I would say everything is like that. Like there's more friends, but they're not actual friends. And I would say everything is like that. There's more activism, but it's not actual activism. It's just tweeting or

it's outrage, but it's not actual outrage. They just want to be perceived as someone outraged. So it's all pretty phony, I think. I'm just a digital girl in a digital world, man. Exactly. That's what it is. You're right. It's all bullshit. But then also, then you see the people that are going to some it is it's you're right it's all bullshit because you know

but then also then you see the people that are going to some of these things and you're like well you don't want to be one of the people that went to the capital that's true that's true yeah so i mean like right i mean it's it it's weird like sometimes going to things in person ain't always better no of course of course. Of course. I mean, uh, some people showed up to, uh, you know, the, the, their job at the world trade center on nine 11, but that's a bad example. But hold on. Let me think of something.

What was it? Does that, Oh, what about that fire in Chicago? The, the, the, the white concert, the white snake. I don't know. Oh, what was that? Call in. If you know. God damn it.

There was a big concert, and everybody went, and the doors got locked, and the place caught on fire, and they all died. Damn. Yeah, something in the 80s. I hope it wasn't White Snake. I know. That'd be a horror way to go out. Who was it? White Reaper?

I don't know. Some band, some 80s band, and everybody everybody died it was like a big tragedy damn yeah it's always weird when you read about those things like the jonathan landis thing remember the helicopter no on his movie where i believe it was jonathan landis where where people died in his helicopter crash let me double check that real what yeah landis Let me double check that real quick What? Yeah Landis Helicopter

Yeah, the Twilight Zone accident Ground fatality three Uh-huh So, he did get people killed, I'm sure I don't think it was his fault Who knows? I mean, he's still working He was found not guilty

But it was on his movie That's still got a way in your conscience Yeah, totally, yikes Give that Google on the concert Why you got pulled up Just because now it's killing me Somebody's screaming in Detroit Yelling at the screen right now

I see the Who concert disaster No, no, that was a big fire. Concert. Concert, fire, door locked, tragedy. A fire claimed the lives of 100 people doing the Great White Show. Great White, that's it. Damn.

Great White, there it is. I knew it was white something. White supremacy, white power. I knew it was one of those. Who was Great White? there it is I knew it was white something White supremacy, white power I knew it was one of those Who's Great White? Who were they? It was just some heavy metal band, I think I don't know, maybe a couple supremacists went down with the ship So maybe it ain't so bad after all

But yeah, the door got locked And they couldn't get out And they all fucking went up in smoke Damn I love those stories though Like Seth MacFarlane was supposed to be on the 9-11 plane, but he got hung over and didn't make it. Amazing. I heard him tell that story. And he said he had a scotch as he watched it from the airport.

I think from Logan. I mean, can you fucking imagine? That's a real eye-opener. From LAX, maybe. I don't know. But yeah, fuck. Logan. Logan.gan yeah he was like i think if you see that you're like all right i gotta do something with my life i gotta

that cartoon i've been thinking about making i gotta make it he's on the phone with fox he goes that dick joke will be approved and like that we can't i just survived 9-11 like all right put it in you know it's the ultimate bargaining chip. You do. Yeah, I mean, shit. That is one of those like that makes you kind of question everything. You're like, that's the ultimate what if. Yeah, because here's the crazy part is we have those things in our life. We just don't know it.

There was one day you were going to go out to a bar. You said, fuck it. I got diarrhea. And you stayed home and you might have tripped on a curb or got mugged or whatever the hell hit by a car you never know and we're trashing diarrhea but that diarrhea might save our fucking lives dude there you go good point that is crazy that that is crazy like you hear that about flights a lot like he was just i i think about that constantly when i'm on a flight i'm'm like, is this the one? Right.

I know, because our odds have to be going up, because we fly more than most. Yeah. But flights are pretty. If anyone's going to die, it's us. But also, then you've got to look at car crashes, too. I think car crashes are more common than flights. But there's something about a flight that it's so out of your control. And car crashes are out of our control, too. But for some reason, you're so high in the air that you're like there's nothing i can do i don't i

always think when i'm like if a car goes out of control i can like spin out of there but i'm like who am i john wick i'm not fucking i'm not spinning yeah what are you john wick all of a sudden yeah it is i was thinking about that with some of those dudes that like one of the guys who died to the capitol they had that like photos of him with like four guns he had like the two uh like ak's and like the guns into his waist and yeah and then he died from like a heart attack or something and it's like yeah you got to do some cardio you can't just like right john john wick wasn't a fat dude you know he wasn't he was uh he probably could run like two miles on a treadmill if he had to Right, right, yeah By the way, when are we going to get our first fat superhero?

That's a good point Not a superhero, but like an action guy Ooh I don't know, does it negate the whole thing? It's all active, you know, so could they do it? Does that send a bad message though? That kids with body issues could also save the world? Well, I mean

Lizzo If Lizzo can do it, or Adele Well, Adele lost all that weight, dude I know, and they yelled at her Isn't that funny? That's where we're at now She loses weight You can't win There's no winning

Yeah, it's like all about body positivity Until you don't look like me Then it's negative I take it back She won She's doing okay She's got a lot of money in the bank Who gives a fuck

The point is when someone gets that famous People are going to have their dumb opinions On the social media When you're that big A lot of those opinions are going to be dumb The dumb ones are going to be their dumb opinions On the social media When you're that big, a lot of those opinions are going to be dumb The dumb ones are going to be inflated And there you go I mean, she's got a great life, she's doing fine Yeah, Seinfeld

Because I get bummed out about Twitter sometimes And Seinfeld equates Twitter to Stepping on an ant pile and the fucking ant just going crazy He's like, you're going to try to keep up with all those ants They all have a different path They're all going a different way, that's Twitter Yeah, you try To keep up with all those ants they all have a different path They're all going a different way that's twitter Yeah yeah you can't Keep up with it that's a good point I mean

I'm gonna try to look less And less at social media I would Like to yeah yeah I've been reading up about stoicism I don't know where you stand on that but uh One of them is get off social Media and the other one is watch less news Not saying don't be informed but just You don't need the crawl going every 10 seconds.

Yeah, it cannot be good for your life. No, no. I mean, the stimulus alone is more than we're built to handle. What do they say? Technology is growing faster than our intellect and our evolution. So we're getting all this stimulus, but our brain is still stuck in the 80s, basically. We've seen some ugliness in the last year that's going to be hard to shake.

And I think psychologically for a lot of people, it's hard to take in where you're just like, holy, this is like a lot. This is a lot. Like what happens in a regular news week? Like even if a lot of shit, I mean, look, a lot of shit happened in the 60s. We weren't alive for that, but there's a lot of shit i mean look a lot of shit happened in the 60s we

weren't alive for that but there's a lot of shit happening imagine if there was twitter in the 60s and they'd be like you know this is kennedy here's rfk here's mlk and like twitter's just going crazy he's fucking dead then there'd be like the edgy 60s comedian like here's my joke about jfk getting shot in the face you know yeah i mean it would would be exhausting. You'd just be like, all right, we get it. Dude, I mean, just think about the George Floyd footage. We saw that from a foot away, up close. You could see the sweat on his brow. But then you see, you think in the 60s, it's like they're shooting the black guys with

the hose, the fire hose in LA and the dogs. And it was grainy footage. You saw two seconds of it And then it was moving on So like Yeah we take way more Look at porn Porn is like

You know Jizz in my ass And gape me And fish hook my mouth I mean it's And that's like Is that a new one? 13 year olds

Seeing that shit And that's just what I watch Porn is getting to I actually haven't watched it in a little while I'm trying to stop watching it as much It's just what I watch Porn is getting too I actually haven't watched it in a little while I'm trying to stop watching it as much It's just too I get to a point where I'm like This ain't gonna get better

Let's reel it in where it's at Porn is it going back a peg No pun intended Not only that but neither is my imagination Like if I'm here And it goes I'm here and it goes It's not gonna get I'm not gonna be like, if that's what's making me cum now

Yeah It's not gonna get more PG Exactly Perfectly said, so true Bill Burr has this funny bit about how These kids now see these porn And they have the same visual memory As a guy in the vice squad

you know just like it's too much it's too dark and this kid is too young to be absorbing that shit it's also hilarious you're just like kids like i remember like when i was a kid like you know women were kind of like they kind of like didn't know how to blow you when you were a kid right i kind of didn't know how to go down on them and there was something kind of innocent and charming about that and now kids are going to be like spit on my dick they're like 13 you know yes that's true he's 13 he's like stick a finger in my ass so like all right right where do you go from there exactly exactly it doesn't get my point is like work your way up Yes here here I mean we got a long life to live

We're only living longer So yeah you don't need to be pegged at 11 Yeah But I'll say this Oh shit I had a point Oh I got it back When is comedy going to evolve Because like we're watching serial killer documentaries

As entertainment Like get the popcorn ready. Ted Bundy's coming on, or Michael Jackson's pedophile thing is coming on. Like, high five. Here we go. Turn the lights out. It's like fucking Nick at Night now.

You know? But then comedy, if you say a joke about Puerto Ricans, people are still upset. So you're like, how have we gotten so able to uh withstand this serial killer footage but still the jokes are a problem oh i'll tell you why it's because people like to stand in their fucking high chair and feel uh better than and and that's what you're doing with true crime you're like all right well my life might be fucked up but i never murdered anybody okay good point and they could also say for women they're watching and they're like well i just want to know how to avoid this shit you know what i mean i'm sure some women are

watching you know some of these forensic files and they're like all right probably shouldn't go camping with my current boyfriend i don't know right so you look at that shit and you're like all right well this i'm better than that i and also you kind of there's some survivors like there's survivors guilt when you survive and someone else doesn't i think there's like some form of like well i survived and she didn't i'm better than that person on some level too i'm winning in some way i put myself in better situations and then you think about a joke and they're doing the same thing with the joke they don't like where they're like Well I didn't like that And I'm better Because I didn't make That fucking joke Ah

Also It's already Understood That Ted Bundy Is an evil monster With us You walk out on stage People applaud

We're getting paid We're saying horrible things People are laughing So then they're like Wait How come we're Approving this But Ted Bundy

At least we already know He's a piece of shit That's a great point And on top of that We're watching this person We're condemning them by watching them Like he's a fucking monster He's a piece of shit

So you watch them knowing he's a monster And then you're almost searching for humanity In a weird way Where you're like let me find something About this person Because in a weird way, I think psychologically, it makes you make sense of the world a little bit when these monsters walk among us.

And I think when you're watching entertainers slip up, they're almost on this pedestal where they're like, okay, they get to go out and perform. They get to kill. Their lives are almost too good. So rather than looking for humanity, you're looking for a flaw. Oh, nice. Does that make sense? I think. Too good so rather than looking for Humanity you're looking for a flaw Oh Nice Does that make sense I think

I think you're right Hopefully I'm coherent You almost feel better watching it There we go putting down the orange Yeah you feel better watching it You're like look we got this guy fuck him he's evil But could there be something to be said For I think we have it As much as we bitch and moan about look, we got this guy, fuck him, he's evil. But could there be something to be said for,

I think we have it, as much as we bitch and moan about America and the world and all that, it's not perfect, but we're not dying of famine. Your mom used to have four kids, one would just die. That was kind of normal. One would freeze to death. The crops aren't growing. The Native Americans cut my head off

Johnny's got to go to war He never came back We don't have that now We got Uber Eats and OnlyFans Things are a little better So maybe we're seeking out some sadness In the world A little bit

We could crave it Colbert had a funny joke Where he talked about that woman That went viral at the Capitol Where she was talking about how She's like, they maced me. This is the revolution. They maced me. And he's like, yeah, guess what?

They used to cut your head off. He basically said, like, you want to talk to any other failed revolutionaries? You can't. That was his whole joke. I was like, man, that's fucking funny, I thought. I was like, damn. That's heavy. That's real.

That's real. Yeah, no, that's fucking funny, I thought. I was like, damn. That's heavy. That's real. That's real. Yeah, no, it's a good point. We all think, I think it gives us significance and it adds a little extra something to our lives, but it's all bullshit, man. I think of Carlin constantly. I think of George Carlin like, I wish he was alive. I wish I could hear what he would say.

But I also think of like, it's all bullshit and it's bad for you That's what I think of all fucking day on loop Exactly That's the news, that's social media It's like it's all bullshit and it's bad for you Right Yeah well said Georgie And I listened to one of his special I think it was back in town like I don't know a month ago

Just popped it on It is so angry I forgot how angry, like when I grew up I feel like I listened to him and I'm like That's George Carlin, but now everything's kind of kid-glovey Especially with stand-up It feels like, that it felt so like Fuck you, you piece of shit

You can't handle it, you're a pussy, blow me, kill yourself It felt so kind of Just in your face face And it was refreshing I do, there's something about Bill Hicks too That like, I just, I know I hate when comics shit on Bill Hicks Because it's like, dude, the guy was such a fucking genius Like I hate when people are like

First off, he has like five albums He died at 32 or 33 or whatever Wow, is that right? Yeah, it's insane, dude I mean, the guy was brilliant and like he'll be remembered i i some people like him for the wrong reasons like calling a woman a cunt during a hecker i'm like that was him at a low point why yeah why is this what's going viral i mean i i love when he i love when he's just silly like he has that bit where he's like my favorite thing to

do here in colorado he's doing that young comedian he's like, my favorite thing to do here in Colorado is doing that young comedian or he's doing that half hour special for HBO in Colorado. My favorite thing to do here in Colorado is watch a smokers pass out. Cause they don't know when they're done exhaling. And he just keeps going. And he just falls. I mean like physically gifted comedian too. I mean,

his silliness was so great. I mean, he could get self-righteous at times but i loved i loved them yeah his uh doc that documentary on him was so good because they he's he's like a chapelle where he started at 14 or 15 whatever it was some crazy age and he was a phenom like he was good he was making fun of his teachers and imagine being a 15 year old making fun of your math teacher on a stage, killing Like, I got a couple zingers out in class Every now and then And I would get a big pop in the classroom

But imagine being on stage And making jokes about your class That's amazing to me That's a great point Yeah, he had it so young And he had it, I think, in a way Where he was killing I mean, to be killing for adults at 15

Yes You got something, man Because I think a lot of I think a lot of people are like, alright But I feel like he had it, I think, in a way where he was killing. I mean, to be killing for adults at 15. Yes. You got something, man. Exactly. Because I think a lot of people are like, all right. But I feel like he had. That's why I guess what I'm saying is he doesn't get credit for that gear, being able to be so silly. He's not killing with fucking Ronald Reagan jokes at 15. He's killing with silliness.

And I always remember that Rodney Dangerfield special You know, for the Young Comedian special And Dangerfield intros him by going This next comedian is so far ahead of his time His parents haven't even met yet Ah Man, even the intro is a great line It's crazy Yeah, Hicks has a special place in my asshole too

Because he's got that look in his eye Especially in the later years Where he's in bumfuck Ohio Nobody especially in the later years where he's in bumfuck ohio nobody gets it he's too smart for the room he's this brilliant guy but they hate him they want him to talk about his dick and he's losing it and i know that feeling so well where you're like oh i got this bit about my anxiety and people are like shut up talk about clits you pussy you're like ah come on this is something here. Hell yeah, dude. It's so funny.

Like, all things comedy. I don't know if you saw this. They posted a story. If you haven't watched it, watch it. It's on their Instagram. And it's about Bill Hicks. And he's talking about hell gigs. He's doing an interview. And he's like, what's your worst gig ever?

And he goes, I have a lot of bad ones, but I think this is my worst one. And it made me feel like such a pussy. Because we complain but i mean we've never dealt with this shit like i i got a pint glass smash over my head last year that kind of sucked it's pretty good but uh but this dude was chased with guns and gigs in alabama and he tells this story and it's like these dudes were like this is like Deliverance the gig you know the story is telling I mean it's so crazy just like these people with guns are like we're gonna kill them

and they're chasing them they can't get the car to work and they like break the window for the car to open it's listen to the story because it makes I mean like look I understand gigs are getting easier and safer and that's great we've had I think we've had a pretty charmed run for the most part. But every once in a while you think back at a gig and you're like, that was pretty weird.

And then you hear that and you're like, I ain't shit. Yeah, no, I mean, first of all, I mean, it's obviously gets better every decade. Like I read the Marx Brothers book and, you know, these are Jews fromattan who would go out to the sticks of like arkansas to do some shithole theater and these guys are killers but they'd murder in front all these hillbillies and then the the they'd get off stage they'd be in the back back green room and they're like hey where's our paycheck and the uh you know the hillbilly guy be like get the hell out of here you fucking hebes or whatever and they'd be like okay then they had to run they had to run to the train station and pray to god they caught that last train or they were stuck in this fucking shit town with a bunch of anti-semites it's like

in the heat of the night it's like in the heat of the night like just get me out of here oh god damn oh my god i'm crazy to think about how about the larry mill Larry Miller story With the school assembly What's that? Have you read I Killed? Yeah, I read it a long time ago I remember the Ron White story very well Hold on, I want to hear that one after But this is a quick one

So Larry Miller, I don't know, 87 Whatever And some giant elementary school Or high school hires him to to do an assembly like just do 20 minutes at the assembly lift everybody's spirits and then we'll go on to the whatever and he's bombing and he goes jesus christ like what would you what do you guys like did somebody die in a fire before i went on and apparently the whole fundraiser was for a kid who died in a fire and he was like the most beloved kid in the class or whatever the hell.

So they chase him out of the gym. They're literally chasing him out of the gymnasium. He's running down the street. He has to jump in his car through the window Starsky and Hutch style and peel out of there. They're chasing him with pitchforks and shit. He's looking behind him. That happened to me at Gotham once.

I remember I opened a bit where I was like, man, you know so yeah that happened to me at gotham once i remember i opened a bit where i was like man you ever drink and uh do muscle relaxers at the same time like it was leading into a bit and i got stone cold silence and i was like all right uh you know and then i get off stage and i was like what the hell happened she goes this is a this is a benefit for someone who died from drinking on pills and i was like, man, I should have looked at the program Wow, so specific Jesus I know, I know

I got him back, but the first seven or eight minutes I was like, I'm really bombing I shouldn't have opened with all this drinking on meds material I had a similar, but not You just hit it on a bullseye. I did a joke about pedophilia and like how it must be so easy to rape a kid because they're kids and they're weak.

And apparently it was about, the whole benefit was handicapped kids. So it kind of fit. I love that you're like, I'm doing a benefit. Let me open with my child rape material. Well, in my defense, it was a closer. I remember I did an atheist benefit once and i and i i did atheist benefit uh friend of mine yeah uh paul herzik who used to run a club in new york in the 80s i made friends with him he watched me bomb for 15 minutes at the friars club and was like i

love your material no one else here did But I did And we became buddies afterwards He ran He ran Stand Up U In the 80s in New York He's like He's like Susie Essman

Was like the house MC Wow Joy Behar Yeah it was like an 80s club And we became buddies His son was One of the managers At the stand

He's a great kid as well Ryan And Okay Anyway Hit me with that ron white oh like i'll tell you the ron white story yeah it was just a quick one but it was basically this critic just tore him apart again and again and ron white just sent him a note

with a razor blade and wrote all i said was just in case you're ever in the mood oh that's great i love that boy that's fucking and you hear it in his in his fucking perfect cadence i know i was gonna say that's cutting but it's great that he can go from a tater salad to that you know that's a comic oh he's that album is one of the best albums of all time unreal drunken public he's a fucking beast yeah he's that if you watch that it's on youtube that's special it looks like shit it's grainy it's horribly shot he's sweating his ass off but the comedy is so good that you don't even care you're two minutes in you're like i don't give a shit that this looks like hell he's another dude that is just i don't good that you don't even care. You're two minutes in, you're like, I don't give a shit that this looks like hell.

He's another dude that is just, I don't know how you can't find him funny. He's kind of like bulletproof. I remember he did a bit on that special about the whole bit was how he cheated on his wife. And the crowd's applauding him. It's like, he's so likable. He opens up being like, my wife divorced me

because she got this crazy little idea that I cheated on her in Columbus. And I i did not tell you why so he opens the bit it's like the fucking open with that bit and this whole idea of this woman inviting him back to his hotel room and he goes and this little guy popped up on my shoulder and you know that guy's supposed to pop up and remind you your past commitments and moral fortitude well didn't hear a peep out of that fellow. See, he's a dying thing with that, that charming motherfucker.

Jim Jeffries had that back in the day where he'd kind of give you a wink and a smile, you know, but Ron White is, is the ultimate, uh, charm guy. Just Southern accents,

the, the cigar, the whiskey right here You know The full head Of white hair Like Just so charming

So likable Yeah For sure man It's so So so so good I feel like We were supposed to do Recommendations

But I mean I feel like we just gave How many comedy recommendations I know I know Well throw something Maybe we should Slide on a comedy

Just for the layman Well what do you got What are you recommending this week? I was going to wreck a show But it's a comedy show So maybe I should switch it up I'm going to wreck a show too But it's kind of comedy But I'm already embarrassed about it

I watched the first season of Search Party On HBO Max and I loved it Really? I mean, fuck dude Shout out to John Early Talent Unbelievable Really? I mean, fuck, dude. Shout out to John Early, who like- Oh, talent. Talent.

Unbelievable. I think we talked about him on here. Did we? No, we talked after the pod. We mentioned it. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I just started it. Yeah, dude, he's in this movie with Molly Shannon, where she's dying of cancer.

I love Molly Shannon. Yeah. She was in SNL back in the day. Oh, yeah. And she should have won an Oscar for this movie. She's so good in it. And he was like the comic relief in the movie. So I already knew him from shows back in the day And she should have won an Oscar for this movie She's so good in it And he was like the comic relief in the movie So I already knew him from shows back in the day

I always liked the guy But he's a fucking, he's a star, that guy He is a star I said it to you before, he officiated Schumer's wedding And was killing from the altar I couldn't get out of that fucking MSG show I was on To go to that wedding I'm forever angry I missed that wedding

That was unbelievable It was in Malibu, it was on the beach It was right on a bluff Larry David is there Seth Meyers, it was just so cool Damn dude, I would have loved to be in that jet with you too Oh, it was great You know, fun story about the jet

I don't know if I'm supposed to say this Schumer was such a mensch. She flew us all out there. She's like, look, I know you guys have gigs or you're canceling work or whatever, so I'll fly you out on a jet. That's a comic. You're flying me out to go get drunk in a Malibu for free with Larry David. You know, no problem. So here's why Schumer's cool.

She invited all of us. So it's like half the SNL cast, me, Marcus Price, Bridget Everett, Rachel, Keith, and then all of her high school friends from Long Island. So we're on a jet with all these comedians and then these fucking brassy

broads who, you know, they keep money in their bra, they're smoking cigarettes, and they're like these Long Island Queefs These koozes And they were funnier than all the comics I'm so pissed that I remember

Trying to get out of work and they were like you can't I had that sports show Yeah I forever am upset I wasn't at that wedding I've said it before And I don't even normally look up to wedding. Like I'm not usually looking forward to weddings, but I knew that one would be fun as hell. Same.

And especially us on a fucking jet together getting loaded. Of course. She put us all up in a hotel. It was, it was a great weekend, but, uh, another fun story from that wedding. So I rented a car cause I was like, I'm going to go to LA after this and make a, make a whole week out of it, podcast, whatever. So I rented a car because I was like, I'm going to go to LA after this and make a whole week out of it, podcast, whatever. So I rented a car. So I drove to the wedding and there was a long line of cars trying to get into the wedding,

obviously. So you got to go up, wait your turn, finally get up to the guy with the clipboard. He does a, what's your name? Da da da. You go in. Behind me, true story, in the car behind me is a Prius driving it, Larry David. Oh, wow. So I got to watch Larry David with his daughter, his hot daughter, sitting in shotgun.

And I watch him in the rearview mirror go up to the guy with the clipboard. And the guy's like, so who are you? And he's like, I'm Larry David. And the guy's like, I don't see you. I got to watch Curb, an episode, in my rearview mirror. He was like, what? What are you talking about? He was doing a lot of this, I couldn't hear it But it was like, I'm Larry David, what the hell?

He's looking at his daughter and she's like Oh jeez, you know It was amazing Jeff Garland's behind him, what the fuck? Yeah, Richard Lewis is like Jesus Christ Yeah, I'm gonna start drinking again or whatever But yeah yeah just a

magical magical wedding so upset i missed it fuck we could have used you i woke up in somebody's apartment it was it was a crazy night uh so yeah my record search party because okay i love i mean it's like a i love pi stuff i could give you a million noir recommendations. I'm obsessed with old. Yeah, she's kind of obsessed with this missing acquaintance. I wouldn't even say friend. And it's very New York, very silly. And yeah, for me, they're all great.

But John Early, I'm watching with Ryan Hamilton. We're both watching from our apartments and, like, texting while we watch. And we're both, like, every time John Early speaks, we're, like, texting about it because he kills us. He's a killer. Is that Maybe from Arrested Development? Fantastic, yeah. Okay.

Yeah, I'll check that out. Another one of the... If you don't like Arrested Development, like, come on. So good. Those first three seasons are, like, fucking home runrested Development, come on. Those first three seasons are like fucking home run. I mean, come on. That's a huge leg up for me and the lady.

When I met the lady first off, she was like, I love comedy. And I was like, oh, here we go. Whenever you meet a non-comic who loves comedy, they're like, oh, man, Eliza Schlesinger, I'll tell you. And, you know, whatever the hell movie. And you're like, ah, yeah, great, great. But she's like, I love Arrested Development. I love 30 Rock. And I was like, oh, my God, this chick gets it.

So that was nice. 30 Rock, shit. Still the best. So good. All right, I'll give you my rec. And prepare to be embarrassed, or I'm already embarrassed for myself. Come at me. But I'm hooked.

I've already watched the first two seasons in like two weeks. I'm on the third season. It's a guilty pleasure. It's comfort food. It's snack. It's not good for you. I'm watching Cobra Kai, goddammit. Is it good? No! It's horrible, but I love it.

It's cheesy. It's over the top, but it's tongue-in-cheek. They know they're being silly cheek They know they're being silly They know they're being horrible Damn, everyone loves this show, Mark Maybe I gotta watch it Is it feel good or what? It's feel good, it's got something for everybody

That's the beauty of it It's almost like Game of Thrones Game of Thrones is not my cup of jizz I don't care about dragons or fantasy or any of that shit But like, hey, there's a love story Hey, there there's a fight scene hey there's a family drama whatever so this is like that where it's like kind of a kid's show kind of a comedy kind of a action show and you got the nostalgia factor i always say cobra kai is like fucking an ex you know you're like this isn't good but it's familiar so i'll do it so i i enjoy like if you want something bubbly and light

put that on yeah i've heard people love it i see so many people friends of mine being like this show's the most fun show like you're gonna start i was never that big in a karate kid to be honest same same i i just knew i was aware of it. I like the bad guys. But I hear this show makes you like William Zabka way more. Completely. It's all from his point of view, and you're like, oh, I never thought of it that way, and then it kind of

touches on political stuff, where you're like, oh, it's a huge parallel with the Democrats and the Republicans, and that's interesting. Is he a Republican? Oh, well, he's just like trans isn't Real you're a pussy what the hell is vegan You know so It lets you see shit from that side

And it's kind of well done That's how you got to write shows this is my new This is the new show I'll pitch It's Romeo and Juliet but They're the kids of Proud Boys and Antifa And that's the whole And they commit suicide on Instagram live that's the whole and they they commit suicide on instagram live that's the whole show that's great and their followers like don't do it he's just sleeping but

that's right that's how we do it and tip bolt is he's like a huge tiktok guy i had a similar idea romeo and juliet but it's greta thunberg and barron Trump And they secretly Are in love but they gotta Represent their demo And all that Yes It does have to See I should give it a shot I was in a cab going to one of those shows

And they did like a peacock ad For Saved by the Bell And it looks like it's very similar to Cobra Kai Where it's like very self aware Of how ridiculous it is where they were like uh the clip they showed was like but we like we need to have a dance off and and mario lopez is like well i know how to dance and they're just like sure coach sure you know how to dance he does that cheesy dance shit from like the 80s Or 90s or whatever And they all look at him like you think they're gonna boo

And they all just start applauding And you're like alright This is fucking nuts I feel like First of all every executive Is a puss and a wuss Who's scared to take a risk on something new So this nostalgia shit is popping up everywhere

Fuller House You can't miss So I get it, it's money It's a fish in a barrel But god I just hate that that's what it's come to You know, like art is dead When we're redoing Full House, Saved by the Bell, and Cobra Kai

It's completely But you're watching it, so what can you say I mean, we gotta bring back Family Matters Now Urkel is like a really autistic adult. He works in Silicon Valley. He's like, this guy's a fucking dick. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so.

What else could they remake? Like, what's an 80s or 90s show? I'm trying to think of like, I bet nerds would go nuts for like a remake of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Oh, yeah. You know what they're redoing, and this is a fact, is Revenge of the Nerds.

They're making a show about it. And somebody had a great point. They're like, but the nerds are running everything now, so it doesn't work. It should be Revenge of the Bullies. The nerds were like, everything they do

is like a fucking Law & Order SVU subplot where they're like, we put cameras in the girls' dorms. They're like, you can't do that anymore. You can't. Yeah. Also, Revenge of the nerds now is just a school shooter so it's a lot darker now before it was like oh we're you know we're putting shit in the beakers now it's like i got an ak-47 in homeroom those movies got worse and worse like one is great yeah right, it's great. Two is solid. We got to put Barry Sobel in two.

And then like three and four, you're just like, this is, I mean, I watched them all as a kid. I fucking loved the first one so much that I was like, I was all in. Oh, Booger was great. Lamar, I loved it. I mean, except for the oral rape at the end that we all get on board with. I mean, well, she was like, you were good and bad. And he's like, so you're going to drop the charges? She's like, absolutely.

Yeah. Yeah, I came. You're good. Lamar, when they start doing that techno show. Yes. I was like, my mind was blown. Completely. Completely.

And that was a young Anthony Edwards, by the way Who went on to ER fame Oh man, he was great Robert Carradine The Carradines, fuck, dude Oh yeah We got David, Kung Fu, Kill Bill We got Keith and Nashville

Oscar winning song, I'm Easy You ever seen Nashville? No, but I know of it, I never saw it, but he's Kill Bill, right? No, that's David. Keith is Nashville. Nashville, I think our boy Ronan says it's the best movie ever. What? Yeah.

Now I got to watch it. I think it's a musical. It's classic Altman, where it's a lot of weird audio shit, but it's brilliant. Okay. And the ending, you're going to be like It's like Network Where you watch it again and you're like This is relevant always

You're going to love Nashville I watched it with Rogowski one night And we were both like Whoa And the music's incredible And it's funny It's like mocking There's like a country song guy Who's like The whole thing is like Like, whoa. And the music's incredible. Okay. All right. I'll check it out. I like it. And it's funny. It's like mocking.

There's like a country song guy who's like, the whole thing is like, he's a country star and his whole song is like, we must be doing something right the last 200 years. It's all just celebrating America. It's great. Oh, boy. That sounds timely. I'll check that out. It rules. Lily Tomlin was like young and hot in it

Oh yeah It's killer Let me ask you a weird Muriel question You mentioned Revenge of the Nerds with the techno scene And the dancing Have you ever danced in your life? I can't imagine you I can't imagine you cutting a rug anywhere

Really? I have, yeah Oh really? I'll dance I'll dance if I have a yeah, for sure. Oh, really? I'll dance. I'll dance about it. If I have a few of these, I'll fucking, I'll throw down. I respect that. How about you? I'll do it.

I mean, I'm with you. I can't do it, but I will do it. I'm terrible. I'm terrible, but I think women appreciate the effort. They're just like, he's terrible, but I'm glad he's trying. Exactly. He's not too cool for school where he's not even attempting it. I'll look like a dweeb out there

And do the robot or whatever the fuck But I feel like we have to kind of I'm so bad that I have to throw some sense of irony in it I know I'm bad, guys Yes, yes I'm not really Of course But yeah, I'm not a good dancer

Same I've almost thought I'm such a bad dancer I just can't get over that hump of like allowing myself to enjoy it and like let go. You know, I'm too like, I'm too much of a comic where I'm like picturing everybody shitting on me. Well,

dude, we have that voice in our head constantly being like, you fucking idiot. Exactly. You're, you're an idiot. You're a piece of shit. Like,

don't you do that when you're thrown on clothes to go out? Yes. Right? You're like, we've talked about this a million times. We're like, what's Keith Robinson going to say about my outfit? Yeah. I mean, mine is deep, right? High school guy, all the dudes I went to high school with, all those fucking mooks, you know?

Dude, somebody gave me a leather jacket. It's like an $800 leather jacket. I can't wear it. You can wear it for like a for like a headliner say you can't wear that in new york you wear that shit in the road maybe maybe i just i put it on i even put it in my suitcase and i don't wear it i know the feeling there's certain jackets where i'm like it's not me but you got to feel like you i mean also yeah certain certain jackets like maybe may fit well and they might look cool but

it's just not you. I know, but- That doesn't mean that- It's a bad- I wear it like I'm in my boxers at home with the jacket on, like looking in the mirror, but I can't wear it out. And your girl likes it? Yeah, she says what you said. She's like, if it's not you, you can't do it. Nothing hotter than a guy who's comfortable and himself. You dress well. Who gives a fuck? I don't know. Your clothes fit and you look- I mean, come on, who gives a fuck Your clothes fit

I mean, come on You too We're no Phil Hanley I mean, yeah I think you gotta be comfy You up it a little bit on the road Because they bought tickets You up it a little bit for a special

But if you're not feeling it I don't want to worry about ruining a jacket While wearing it That too If you're not feeling it, they can feel it It's kind of funny how that works But sometimes you throw a jacket on And it just fits really well

And you start walking around and you're like Yeah, maybe this is me No better feeling when a jacket fits great And you're comfortable with it You feel like you can take over the world with a good jacket. You know, I've been doing this thing because I get on these

YouTube wormholes and this is pretty cheesy, but there's a woman on YouTube, Marnie or something like that, and all she does is tell you all the secrets that women won't tell you. And she's got all these views

because guys are like, we're curious. We want to know. You know, women, everything's a all these views because guys are like hit me we're curious we want to know you know women everything's a secret women because they want that upper hand and my friend my friend does a similar thing on her instagram and she's she's good at it she says sure i'm like okay i mean it's an untapped market where every single single guy out there is going should i wear this what should i say you know what should i do what do women like what are they not like you know and we just have to do trial and error and hopefully we get laid but she's actually laying it all out and it's fucking amazing because yeah i was way off on everything what were you give me

one well she's like uh talking about like what to wear she's like nothing hotter than a guy in like a good hoodie and i was like a hoodie i thought that was like you know sport wear or like lounge wear around the house so that was i can see that being i thought that was like you know sport wear or like lounge wear around the house so that was i can see that being i think that's good because it's like if it's if it fits i think they're just kind of like oh he doesn't care but he cares right right yeah it's all like when a woman walks into a uh like your girlfriend walks into a building or a restaurant touch the lower back and like guide her in Shit like that where you're like, man, I would have never known that. Fuck, I was going too low.

That's a bummer. Okay. Yeah. So just little things where you're like, oh, wow, women dig that. I would have never known that. And they could just fucking tell us, but they don't. Women don't tell us. They want us to guess.

I've been thinking about this a lot. I got a couple bits about it But I think if they tell us We'll just do it and they'll fall for us And then we'll just move on So they end up getting hurt It's like a puzzle If they just told us how to solve it

I'm not a special puzzle You gotta work to solve that fucking puzzle Exactly And it kind of means more If a guy just naturally does the shit you like I'm not a special puzzle. You got to work to solve that fucking puzzle, dude. Exactly, exactly. And it kind of means more. Like if a guy just naturally does the shit you like, you're like, all right, this guy was, this guy's meant for me.

That's good. Yeah, it's up there. They want the work. They want us to like, yeah, I think it's a whole thing about like, women are kind of programmed to be like soulmate. Let me find my soulmate. And you kind of,

and I'm not saying like, you know, from birth, I'm saying saying that's how what they're told as a kid that's what they're fed in these movies and stuff so they want the guy to guess it and if you guess it that means like he knows what i want yeah we're meant to be together it's natural exactly exactly uh but that's why i like that that douchebag wrote the book what is it like about negging women that bald guy dude i hate negging so i have a is it? About negging women? That bald guy? Dude, I hate negging I have a lot of bits about negging I had a bit of I Got This about negging

But women were just like They just shit on you and you're like Okay, anyone can do this Yeah, exactly This isn't a turn on for me But what was that book called? It was like The Hustler's Guide to Gash Or whatever the hell it was

Either way, that book was like a bestseller because that's how curious men are. Sorry. After the show, he's like, if you like the book, I will sign your gash. Yeah, bring that clam over here. But apparently that guy cleaned up. I mean, yeah, but that's a one trick pony, isn't it? Sure. Sure, yeah, but that's a one-trick pony, isn't it? Sure. Sure, yeah.

That was a one-hit wonder, but hey, it had a moment. That guy had a moment in the sun. I think he got laid. Yeah, I don't know. Got to think long game, though. I agree. Give me any news stories you got. Yeah, I got a couple zingers on some news stories.

One, you see this thing in Denmark? There's a new Danish cartoon With the man has the world's longest penis I did see that Yeah, so it's on some like You know, PBS Whatever the PBS is in Denmark And my joke was

Oh, I thought that would be on the BBC Ooh, that's good It's more of a written joke but you get it that's good that's fucking funny yeah i saw that my first thought was america we're still number one i mean that's fucking embarrassing but yeah that's great that's a great joke the bbc one's so funny definitely embarrassing man i had like eight jokes on the capital thing but everybody's got that what Well, give me a Capitol joke. Well, let's see. Hold on. I got to pull them out. I got so many.

Because, you know, you had a bunch, too. Yeah, I heard the Capitol was going to throw up heat lamps for outdoor rioting. That was one of mine. That's great. Oh, one of my jokes was, man, it's a shame what happened at the Capitol. They didn't even do temperature checks to let people in. We're on the same wavelength there. Yeah, yeah. I'd won the Capitol's easier to get into than the Apple store. They made me do an appointment.

Yeah, everyone had a fucking, I mean, that was insane. That's like almost like, it's sad. That's almost like prime Twitter. I know, I know. You've heard of Black Friday. Well mean that was insane It's sad that's almost like prime Twitter I know I know You've heard of Black Friday Well that was White Wednesday The guy with the fur The police don't get him

Peter Will Oh and then my other news story Is Kim Kardashian divorced Kanye And I'm like man She freed another black guy That's a big one Because of her Trump thing Also

It's so funny that she wants to be a lawyer I know I know Jesus Christ She wants to be a fucking Lawyer She got a couple guys out of jail So I guess it's working i mean if you got the power use it for good but that's true that is true it's just funny how everybody in like

corporate america wants to be a tiktok star and a famous person and social media influencer and everybody who's an influencer wants to have a real job yeah kanye wants to be president she wants to be a lawyer maybe in four years they both will be and he'll get impeached and she'll be fucking she'll be dealing with the legal stuff yeah yeah she'll be the next you know cochran or whatever it's weird that also yeah that story is fucking crazy i'm trying to think what i had trump off uh it did laugh about i mean obviously trump on twitter We gotta weigh in on for a sec Cause that's insane It's crazy that that is a bigger story

Than him getting impeached It affects him more than if Melania left him Like without question You're like I built up Like that is financially fucking him Hugely Oh yeah that was his big platform 88 million followers And you're just like...

Like, if Melania left him, he'd be like, okay, I bet. But if he's like, just do it quietly, we'll work you out a deal. Twitter leaving him, he's like, oh, this is ruining my life right now. Yeah. I saw all the memes. Like, he's trying to get onto MySpace. Hey, Trump just hit me on Friendster or whatever, you know? He's going to have an OnlyFans. whatever You know He's gonna have an OnlyFans

Jeff Ross He's gonna have an OnlyFans Where he shows his feet Yeah It's Yeah It's fucking weird The story I saw

Was US Representative Mary Miller I don't know if you saw this How she got It was a pro-Trump rally She wrote Hitler was right about one thing And it was basically saying

Like the youth is the future Which is like Why quote Hitler What A lot of people A lot of people said that you don't need to quote Hitler. Yeah, it's like, you know, I don't like Osama bin Laden, but he did say that marriage is everything. So I do like that. He said that. Right, right. That's that's hilarious. What's that guy's name? Idi Amin? Idi Amin, yeah. Idi Amin. He said milk does a body good. You can't forget that. If I had gotten the name, damn it.

You got it. How about a bit? Do you have a bit for this week? Stalin said eat your vegetables. Yeah, that's hilarious. I didn't catch that lady. Crazy. All right.

This actually happened to me, and I think there's something here. So let me run it by you. So doing some gigs the other night, and, you know, I like to touch on some touchy subjects and walk the line a little bit. And this younger lady hit me up after in the lobby and was like, I think it's so fucked up how you generalize. Like, you shouldn't poke fun at the—just because it's a group, you don't general so fucked up how you generalize. You shouldn't poke fun at a certain... Just because it's a group, you don't generalize, blah, blah, blah. She kept saying generalize, and you're excluding and discriminating against groups.

She's like, that's such a boomer move. And I'm like, well, isn't that generalizing a group? You're just doing it again, but somehow boomer is allowed. First of all, that's a slur, and you're just lumping this group together. Well, boomer's not that's first of all that's a slur and you're just you're just lumping this group together well you're not a slur it's not a slur well not a slur but it's a dig i'm not putting boomer with the n word here but yeah it's a day it's a dig yeah you're right she's you're doing what you're claiming to be against exactly but for some

reason you're a boomer yeah i mean you're just completely putting me in this box Of a group that you deemed as inappropriate or whatever the fuck But you're still doing the thing that you hate You're still generalizing And you're accusing me of doing And you're doing That's fucking interesting Uh-huh

So she's It needs a comparison, obviously Yeah, she's telling you that you're Generalizing, but she's calling you A boomer is what, like an old It's like kind of an older person, right? Out of touch, older guy, yeah Yeah

And you're like, well then Technically, I should be allowed to generalize Right, right Like, how come you can do it, but I can't? It's interesting. Mike Kaplan used to have a funny joke about how he said, if you generalize, I'm going to, I hate when people generalize, I'll kick your ass like an Asian with karate or something like that.

And I'm going to be like, oh, that's good. I butchered it. That's funny. No, it's funny. Yeah, yeah. It's similar to that. Yeah, it's like you're generalizing, but you're calling me someone who generalizes,

so then I guess I'm all right. You know, it's kind of like. Yeah, the thing you're calling me out for doing, you're doing in front of me, to me. What's like the opposite of a boomer? I guess a Gen Z or millennial. Millennial. Yeah.

Yeah, it's almost like... Was there a bit that she called you out for doing that with? I was doing some racial bit. Some bit about like black people and police or something like that. And it's not even an offensive bit. It's just about black people. So she was just jumping on it. Oh, it's about how we can't say master bedroom anymore.

And I'm like, well, if we can't say the term master bedroom, we got to stop saying masturbation, which I think is worse because you're beating something defenseless. I think is worse because you're beating something defenseless. So it's like the point is you can tie anything to something offensive or something inappropriate. Yeah, she just sounds really dumb. I mean, it's like

you're just generalizing. No, I was making a joke. It's not even like Maybe it's like you're just generalizing. I was like, no, I was making a joke. It's not even like. Maybe it's this. He's got a gun. Shoot him. You know, something like that. Like, you're doing the thing that I'm.

You're mad at me. You're doing it to me. You're a hypocrite. You're just generalizing, Boomer. And you're like, well, you're just whining, white lady. Or something like that. Oh yeah yeah That's not it but it's like

I don't want to go with like the Karen Shit cause it's so fucking hacky and easy But like there's something about like Uh there's something about the like Well being a white woman And complain after a show You're not breaking new ground either Aha there it is

You know what I mean? Then she has to see the manager I wouldn't say Karen in the joke No, no, I wouldn't say Karen Then she has to see the manager and you're like, wow, you're a revolutionary Yeah, yeah, hate to generalize Hate to generalize, but I've seen a lot of white women do this before too Right, right, that's good

Alright, we cracked it I'm gonna try that one next week boom fucking got it all right boomer um boom all right i had this idea about like so i was talking to somebody told me he's battling depression and i was like yeah i've never uh battled depression in my life uh every time depression comes on i'm always like uh you win uh like you win this round you know like depression is not a battle depression is like getting jumped by five guys and you're like just take what you want and and they're like i want your entire day and you're like it's yours and you're like same time tomorrow oh that's great that's great and then the only way

you can reason with the guys is you're like, look, let's all get drunk together. You know, like something where you deal with the depression by getting drunk or taking a pill or something. Yeah. You're just like, fuck. All right. I'll stay in bed. All right. You got this. Don't move. analogy like the jumping instead of battling because a battle you can win you know yes we we won the battle we lost the war whatever they say so uh you can you have a chance of winning if depression comes on you're like that goes the weekend exactly that's good yeah there's something yeah it's a battle you can't it's it's not a it's not a battle. You can win battles. Right. Or maybe this could be a tag is. Although the only reason it's like a battle is I do have a battle cry, you know, some of the depression and crying, battling. All right. I'm reaching. There's no there's no battle where you're like, I'm just going to watch season four of The Sopranos again. There's no battle where you're like I'm just going to watch season 4 of The Sopranos again

Yeah, battles in the dirt With bloodshed and machetes And pistols and flags You know This is pajamas and ice cream And Netflix I got enough to take with that I'm going to try that this week for sure

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