We Might Be Drunk - Ep 50: Hot Toddys with Tom Thakkar

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

We hang out with Tom Thakkar on this episode of WMBD, check out Tom on the road visit www.TomThakkar.com This Episode is brought to you by Boll and Branch and BetterHelp! Send us emails [e-mail] Send us emails [e-mail] Visit www.GothamPodcastStudio.com/WMBD to enter for free Sheath Underwear! Mark Normand and Sam Morril can be seen on the road at a club near you. Visit MarkNormandComedy.com and SamMorril.com for more details! Join the Patreon for bonus episodes weekly and more bonus content: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod Send us emails [e-mail] Send us packages: Gotham Podcast Studio 39 West 38th Street, 10th Fl New York, NY 10018

we might be drunk we might be drunk as long as we are hanging out you know we might be drunk raise a glass let's talk shit pep heaps wrecks and a bit maybe drunk we might be drunk hello welcome to we might be drunk yeah. Yeah! Gobble, gobble! Look at, I got my grandma's arm fat going. Look at this, this is a full-on turkey, baby. This is great. We had a Native American, but Sam gave him smallpox, so he's not here. But hey man, we got our buddy Tom Takar.

Hey, what's up guys? Hilarious comic, also a pilgrim, and both learn Air Maxes too. I think we got our buddy tom takar hey what's up hilarious comic also a pilgrim like yeah and both wearing air maxes i think we got screwed on this deal i think you got the nice one you like that looks much more comfortable yeah it is pretty comfortable it's velvet here feel that that's nice i mean this is some some prime turkey i knew you were a little i i felt a little resentful that i got to be uh woody were Buzz. Oh, yeah. I wanted to be Woody. But I feel like I'm redeemed. I'm back.

I mean, I could wear this to bed. It's nice. This is very nice. Is this Amazon, Matt? Oh, he's not listening. All right. I bet it's Amazon. And we got the beer Jew back.

I don't even know what we're drinking. What are we doing here? Don't forget Tommy over there. Oh, you got to hook me up, brother. We're doing it since it's Thanksgiving and it's getting a little colder, we're doing a hot apple cider spice hot toddy. A hot apple cider spice toddy. Hey, look at that.

Hey, to America. So clear up the UTI. Let's do it. I'm shocked you didn't use a little wild turkey. Dude, that is incredible. That's so good. Oh, my God. What makes it, what's giving it that little pop?

A little pop? We got the local high honey in there, right? And we heat it up with some cinnamon sticks and star anise. That's what it is. A little bit of orange and a little lemon. That's delightful. And it's caramel apple cider, too. Oh, my God. I've never heard of such a thing.

I'm going to drink this when I'm sick. It actually does help. You're feeling under the weather. It'll clear you up. That's like alcoholic talk right there. Every time I do something like that, I'm like, I have a problem. But I'll do it. I'll be like, switch to hot toddies. It'll be good. When I had COVID, I was doing shit like that. What? Only the last couple days. I i'll do it i'll be like i switched to hot toddies will be good when i had covid i was doing shit like that what yeah only the last couple days i couldn't i couldn't do it

you have covid for i had i didn't have the long i had uh i had the regular covid but i had it for like it was like nine days of it being brutal and i kept being like oh it's great i'll be like on vacation i like had booze ready to go you're do you think you were going to be on vacation? Because I had to take all my spots off. And I was like, oh, this will be great. I watched Mad Men. I watched a bunch of shit. It was great. You watched it top to bottom?

I finished it. It took me 10 years to watch Mad Men. Such a good show. It's so good, but it's so slow. That's why you wanted to drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That show makes me want to drink. Dude, it was brutal.

I was watching them drink all the time. I was like, that looks so fun, but I couldn't do it. but i couldn't do it i physically couldn't do it i don't know how they do it yeah they were doing that on work days it'd be like 11 30 and they would just clink two glasses together and make a deal yeah but you know what those were that it made you want to work yeah because you're like oh i got a meeting you're like but we'll have fucking oysters and martinis i know it was a better time not knowing when shit was bad. They didn't know cigarettes were bad. They didn't know booze was bad.

You ate a burger. It was all normal. They must have known. You woke up feeling horrible. I don't think you wake up from a hangover at 45 from vodka and you're like, that was probably good. But the smoking they didn't know. I think they thought it was good for you. Yeah.

They were like, yeah, you need a cigarette. In the hospital, they're giving it to kids. Come on, have a little. The vibrator was invented because a woman it was for female hysteria. Is that right? Give it a goog. This guy's not even on the cans. Look that up, Matt.

Vibrator was invented for women with hysteria. Because apparently the first doctors would do it manually. Nice. And then after. Really? They got carpal tunnel. Doctor used to be a great gig.

Great gig smoking fingering chicks. I don't know. Is that that fun? Just fingering an 80-year-old? It depends on the patient, I guess. What's her name? Gladys. Fuck.

You go to the hospital, it's not usually a bunch of babes in the beds. Yeah, good point. Good point. I don't know. I had an orthodontist when I was a kid. And all the nurses were like 11s. And he was like some old guy with white hair. But I guess he got to pick the nurses. Yeah, true. That's weird to pick nurses.

It's not like being a waitress. They kind of have to bring it. Yeah, that's true. It's weird to go by looks. That's a good point. You need them to be good at's not like being a waitress. Like, they kind of have to bring it. Yeah, that's true. It's weird to go by looks. That's a good point. You need them to be good at what they're doing a little bit. Yeah, read this. What is this?

Joseph Granville patented an electro-mechanical vibrator in the early 1880s to relieve muscle aches, and doctors soon realized it might be used on other parts of the body. The innovation treatment for hysteria. Wow. There you go go same deal with flashlights yes this man's hysterical you ever used one i i bought one when i was i bought one you bought one i bought when i was blackout drunk which is not true because i remember doing it but i used to that used to be a bit of my – but this is true.

After my – I got engaged when I was like 21. It fell apart. I went to – I moved back to my hometown. I became – I started drinking all the time. And my house was like a five-minute walk from the bar. And along that walk was a porn store. Of course. It was called College Books because students would go there, buy porn, and they didn't

want their parents' credit card. Wow. Which seems to say it's smart. But I bought an $8 fake vagina and they told me to buy lube and I was broke at the time and I was like, fuck your upsells or whatever. I got it back to my place and it was disgusting. And so I tried. Got third degree burns on your cock trying to my place and it was disgusting and so i tried and it just burns on your cock trying to fuck it it was painful it looked like one of those like tubes it's like

got the gel in it or whatever that you went at like the carnival or whatever and i didn't i couldn't do it and then i rolled it up into a towel and forgot about it and then when me and my buddy were moving it was in my my dresser and the drawer fell out. I was moving with his dad and it fell out and the towel fell on the ground on the driveway and the fucking thing unrolled and the fake vagina just rolled down into the driveway and he just didn't say anything. Damn. Yeah, it was a real vaginist can make such a graceful exit.

You're right. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I'm guilty of fucking everythingist can make such a graceful exit. Right. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I'm guilty of fucking everything in the house as a kid. Really? The couch, the bed, foods, all kinds of shit. Anything that like was like a hole. That was it.

You'd be like, oh, that's cool. Like even like in fences. Yeah. You're like, oh, I bet my getting sticked in there. Exactly. Paper towel holder. That was a big one. Paper towel holder. like in fences yeah you're like oh i bet my getting stick it in there exactly paper towel holder that was a big one paper paper towel holder seems like it'll be great too because you could just put like a napkin at the end of it it's like clean up and you throw it away but

it's just too bad they should make paper towel holders like the the thing like softer yeah i know right yeah bounty get on that shit yeah the quilted quicker picker upper. Act like it. You know, I remember watching Scared Straight when I was younger and there was one guy like, I can make the best pussy

you ever felt. Paper towel roll, wet paper towels, a couple of this, a little of that, like some jelly, this and that. He's like,

you will never need a woman again. You're like, you've been in here 30 years, you're just gay. It's all right. Since we got the bounty flesh roll, my husband loves shaving. Yeah. again you're like you've been in here 30 years you're just gay yeah this is good and it gives you something to do with the roll because you gotta just throw that away it's over yeah this is like it's good for the environment it's green that's true yeah

there you go the guy who makes the vagina that's pretty rough yeah yeah yeah because you're like what is what are you using like what is your test like yeah what is your research just you you're the dude you don't have people being like you're not fucking trying it on mice right you're the you're the lab you think you'd go gay how long would it take in prison to do the shower sex not like put on you i know some guys will pin you up against i wall. I think I would just jerk off. Really? I would just try to find like a nook and jerk off. You say that, but after seven years... What crime did I commit here?

I will say grand theft auto. Grand theft auto? So you're in there for a good 15. How long would it... It's not like I'm anti-gay. I just don't think... I don't think I'd do it. I don't know. I don't know, but you ever in a class in college you're like oh there's no hot girls in this class then you by the third week you're like well you

know sure she's on a rascal but she's got nice eyes and then he just started it just starts weaning you down you know did you go to college i think in between the thumbprint and getting booked yeah i'd go gay right right immediately i mean look who knows yeah you don't know but i think i would just like hope to get magazines oh yeah yeah you know they said cigarettes were the number one currency in jail and now it's ramen noodle what yeah why is that why is that yeah i don't know i guess you'd rather eat than smoke. Yeah, but you'd think it would be a better food or something at least.

I know. Isn't that like the shittiest food? Well, you're not getting, you know, Cheddar Bay biscuits in there. People will do the seasoning and just eat them raw. I used to do that. Yeah, I've done that. In Squid Game, they're doing that. Have you seen Squid Game yet? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In Squid Game, the guy's just eating the ramen dry like a snack with the thing it's like people love that looks terrible yeah i'd give it a shot yeah yeah i'm a big cup of noodles fan this is fantastic yeah this is really good i'm i'm gonna warn you i might fly through these i got i got more than enough nice i gotta out of the gate i gotta say that i love that you're wearing a carmella soprano shirt yeah yeah it's my it's my buddy's, this band Wild Pink. Check them out. Oh, nice. Yeah, they-

Is that their logo, Carmella? They just put that on their shirt, and I was like, that is brilliant. Brilliant. Because I like this music, and then I was like, oh, but I fucking love that shirt. Tommy! You don't even need to- Yeah, yeah. There we go.

Still the best show. Oh, it's so good. Mad Men and Sopranos. This is a We Might Be Drunk episode, and we're talking about those two shows. Yeah, that's true. Oh, so good. Somebody made Mad Men and Sopranos. This is a We Might Be Drunk episode. Yeah. We're talking about those two shows. Yeah, that's true. Oh, so good. Somebody made a drinking game out of our show. So it's a Rodney impression.

I fart. I burp. Somebody watching a movie with my girlfriend. I was like, what the hell do I do? I'm tired from the road. I just watch movies. Mark gives hobo advice. A lot of Mark's recs.

Mark talks about banging someone on a scooter. So many of Mark's recs have turned into like, it's like steal toilet paper and you can get free copper off the railroad tracks. Mark's still stealing despite making a ton of money. Mark's doing great on the road. It's a hobby. It's like Kanye stealing the OnlyFans thing. Wait, what did he do? Kanye steals OnlyFans off of Reddit, he said.

He doesn't pay for OnlyFans. He's like, you gotta act poor to stay rich. Mark's on the tip. There you go. Also, you don't. Kanye's got billions, I think, right? Billions. I mean, the he doesn't need. He can pay for OnlyFans. I think he just

probably doesn't respect porn. No, he's just an asshole. I think that's what it is. For sure. I mean, I've never paid i'm a dramamine guy at the airport because it helps me sleep on the plane it's like 18 it's for motion sickness i know but it's so drowsy inducing yeah yeah but you don't get any you don't get like a hangover from it or anything so i pop a couple dramamine on a plane but they're like 18 for a little tube it's crazy because it's the hudson news so they upsell everything upcharge and uh i've never paid for one i've you just swipe it from the airport every time you swipe dude every time i thought about you the other day because i saw someone get busted for shoplifting at the airport yeah and it was so embarrassed i don't know what they stole it might

have been like a bag or so it was an. And she just like four cops are surrounding her and it looked so embarrassing. They just beat the shit out of her. Jesus. They're like, we got to make it even with the police brutality of an old white woman. That's what they do now. She's probably don't look racist. They beat up old ladies. She probably lost her edge though.

You lose your wits about you when you get that old. You got to stay in the pocket when you're stealing even if it is the news you gotta really be they gotta finesse i think about doing it all the time especially at the like the food places where you're just they self-pay or whatever i'm always like i could just walk i think i've done i did it with coffee once just to feel something you know but yeah because i can you know i got it i can pay for coffee but it's just to feel something, you know? Yeah. Because I can, you know, I can pay for coffee, but it's fun to get away with something. Exactly. Because they're already overcharging your ass on everything else.

So, fuck it. You know, you're going to charge me for a bag now, JetBlue? Blow me. I'm stealing this Dramamine. But what I do is- It's not them, though. It's the airport, isn't it? Yeah, they're all in cahoots.

You take like a wrap. Those wraps are like $9. It should be $2. And then I put a napkin over it. Kind of looks like a wrap those wraps are like nine dollars it should be two and then i put a napkin over it kind of looks like a receipt then you play with it under the uh the self-checkout you go you know you just kind of wave it around it's a money thing i think you do enjoy the stealing i do i'm getting one over on them yeah it's nice to get a little back i do that like i know you hop turnstiles oh yeah there's nothing more satisfying than hopping it as the train comes.

It is. Because I sort of, after COVID, I was like, oh, I don't use the train as much as I used to. I'm not buying a monthly anymore. Fuck that. No. No. And my stop, because I live in Bed-Stuy, so people will just be holding the door open all the time. Oh, yeah.

And I roll through there, and I'm like, every time I'm like. But they're criminals. Yep, yep. I love it. You feel like the coolest white guy, too, when you're holding the door open all these black guys are coming and you're like yeah yeah one of the good ones it is brutal to get busted for it though i had to pay the hundred bucks once me too and i was just holding the door open for a buddy who was trying to pay the machines were all fucked up and they still got us we got the only time i've

ever gotten a ticket from i've been handcuffed a couple of times but the only time I've ever gotten a ticket from – I've been handcuffed a couple of times. But the only time I've actually gotten a ticket was – I was with my friend Dan who bartends at the Cellar now. We were kids. We were walking down the street and we're just drinking on the street. And these cops gave us summons and Dan has gotten a million of them. So he's laughing. They're just like, all right. Well, now that you've had the ticket, you can finish the beer. And Dan goes, yeah, I know the deal.

I love that because I hate that they do that shit. Now that you've had the ticket, you can finish the beer. And Dan goes, yeah, I know the deal. I love that because I hate that they do that shit. I got a drinking ticket. It's not a big crime if you can finish the crime. I got a drinking ticket. I think I'm the only person who got a public drinking ticket during COVID because I was at my friend's backyard. I was walking with the Coors. It was like 10 o'clock at night. I'm at my apartment.

I'm like outside the door of my apartment. And this cop goes, is that a beer? And I was like, o'clock at night I'm at my apartment I'm like outside the door of my apartment And this cop goes Is that a beer? And I was like Yes Who cares? What kind of square cop is this guy? He fucking like gets in my face

And I was like You know I was a little toasty And I was like I was like put on a mask man You're in my You're getting in my fucking face Oh yeah And he was like

Where's your mask? Where's your mask? And I was like I didn't know you were gonna fucking bum rush me I'm alone in the street I don't need a mask But uh Then he hassles me for fucking 30 minutes i'm outside of my door and i'm like dude it's a 25 ticket just give me the fucking ticket and move on and he's like how many ounces what's the percent of alcohol how many ounces it's a fucking course who cares

yeah and then it's a it's the same fine no matter how many ounces it is it's 25 bucks so it's absent it's three grand yeah what is this the airport we gotta do ounces now it was insane and then he goes uh i had two more unopened cores and he goes you can keep those and i was like yeah i know it's my proper legal you talking about? Jesus. He made me dump out the cords in front of him. I was so pissed. I had the same thing. But this is pretty – because I thought COVID made beer legal outdoors. I thought so too.

Yeah. Yeah, because we were all drinking in the village. We're doing the sidewalk. It's so weird that you could do a sidewalk cafe and drink beer. Yep. But if you're two feet from the sidewalk cafe – Yeah. Remember Russ Meneve used to do the joke about uh you can drink uh in in the garbage bag

they don't own the garbage bag but you can't do it outside it's like by the way you can't just like fuck a prostitute in a in a hefty bag what are you doing here not so fast officers just taking out the trash russman eve russman eve's got some bangers killer jokes yeah another classic he goes I have bad luck with women my last four pregnant girlfriends died in sailing accidents

that's a great joke wow that's really good smart Russ has some has some bangers yeah I think he's got an album out there

check out Russ Meneve straight doggy style is that it yeah that's what it's called wow that didn't age well but yeah but I got hassled

by a cop on the Lower East Side once. I had a couple of beers on me and I was drinking with my ex-girlfriend. And he did the whole like, oh, you guys drinking? And we're like, no. And he's like, what's that? And I was like, it's a beer. And he goes, well, why'd you lie to me? And I was like, because you're a cop.

I didn't want to get in trouble. Why do you think I would lie to you? I'm not a jerk. It happened to us when we were kids, too. We were smoking weed in the street. i'm not a jerk it's like when we were kids too we were you know smoking weed in the street i'm rolling a joint on like a stoop and uh these cops my friends are all fucking cowards so they were i'm like we are what are we doing so we they run and they're faster to notice the cops i'm like fuck i'm trapped with two of my friends and the cops are questioning us and of course i'm thinking so i had two bags of weed at the

time i just fucking threw them in the sewer real quick but i'm like yeah it was better than what i would have happened back then you know yeah and uh you know and i had cigarettes on me too thank god so they're just like what are you doing i was like oh i didn't know it was against the law to smoke cigarettes officer and he's like why did all your friends run i was like because of the movies and he was like oh he was like the nicest cop i've ever And he was like, he was like the nicest cop I've ever met. He was like, oh, he's like a nice Irish guy. He's like, all right. And he's like, well, I was like, can I smoke cigarettes?

He's like, of course. And have a good evening. He was like that nice. Wow. That is nice. My friends were like, you fucking talked your way out of it. I was like, I mean, we only had cigarettes on us. Yeah.

What are they going to bust us for? Man, you're like the narcotics guy. You got weed, cigarettes, and booze. You got all the stuff. You got, what's, and booze. You got all the stuff. What's the word for that? CBS? No, no. Contraband.

That's the word I was looking for. Contraband. Whatever that means. I do need a refill here. Yeah, I'm about to do right now. I'm going to get up some more cider. Yeah. Is the microwave being used in this?

We got a little kettle too. Happy holidays. Hot cider, dude. It's the move. Oh, yeah. Last year, me and my buddies got like a cabin or like a little house in Vermont, and we were buying all this organic cider on the side of the road. Oh, yeah.

I would take it back to the place and put bourbon in it and heat it up. Oh, my God. Ooh. Incredible. Nothing like a cabin with the gang that's a nice with your your pals you're in a cabin you ski all day and you drink do you actually like that i feel like you wouldn't like that i did it with kreischer and ari and ran as easy a couple a couple guys last year we went skiing and then we did a show at night i was about to say i feel like you'd still

find a spot in the middle of nowhere yeah we did we went to wise guys but then we go to park city when it's all comics we're all hungry to do a set as well you don't like to work i'm talking like three days like we're doing mushrooms oh yeah that's not your thing yeah i did mushrooms too and it helped having the stand up in the middle but but you mark it mark can't shut it off i get it i feel guilty feel guilty if I take a day or two off. But it's nice when everybody's just like, no, fuck it. We're all committing. We're just going to be here, get drunk, smoke weed, do mushrooms, and do nothing. And it's great.

And you just laugh the hardest you've ever laughed. It's the best time ever. I'm terrified to do mushrooms. Oh, you got to do it. Oh, we got to do it on air. You never done mushrooms? We should do it on the pod. No, no way.

I did it for the first time during the pandemic. Don't we act well with weed? Are you kidding me? I don't either. I like weed. I like alcohol because it quiets the stusher. I got some micro dose. We can start you with one, see how you feel, then keep going.

And the whole thing lasts four hours. You'll be done. That's what's great about mushrooms. No hangover? You mean just a little longer than the movie Titanic? That's it? We can do two episodes and you'd be sober. I think this is great.

I think this is a great idea. The fans would love it. This is how I did it. Because I'm not a big weed guy either. It makes me too crazy. I get scared. Mushrooms are way more fun because your whole body is into it. You look at a tree for an hour.

You're like, this is great. But I only did like 2.2 grams or whatever so it's like not a ton you know or like even a gram and a half or something like that i'm doing little i'll bring in some gummies and by the way we got to celebrate because somebody gave me a bunch of mushrooms and i threw them in my bag i forgot about it i've been traveling with mushrooms this is for six months i forgot about it don't you isn't that no but no one's the tsa is such a bullshit i fly with weed on accident all the time. But no one cares.

They don't care. They can't give a gun. And I've been flying with a gun for the last month, too. We got to celebrate, man. Yeah. We'll bring a gun in. We'll bring a gun and we'll shoot it up in the air. We'll do drugs and bring guns. Russian roulette.

Russian roulette. It's weird. I did the Alec Baldwin thing. Every time I watched like, you watch like Malcolm X When Denzel does The Russian roulette And you're like Someone could have Blown their head off

During the scene Like Yeah I'm shocked this shit Doesn't happen earlier Like the gun thing Like the Travis Scott thing The people got crushed

Yeah I'm like How has that not happened A million times Mostly because we don't Have that big a fan base Well that too yeah That's why I don't

Sell so many tickets We lose We lose nine fans It's gonna financially Impact us We don't have that big a fan base. Well, that too, yeah. That's why I don't sell so many tickets. We lose nine fans. It's going to financially impact us. That's true. We'll notice it. We'll feel a dip. But I'm just saying, like, all these, like, heavy metal and all this shit, like, you'd think that would happen all the time.

Like, there's mosh pits where people are just swinging at each other. It's so stupid. It's shocking this is the first time that's happened. I hate shit like that. That's why I don't – I like live – like, I would go to live music that's the first time i hate shit like that that's why i don't i like live like i would go to live music that was like not at all like that heavy metal was like i don't want to be like bumping up yeah covid aside i don't want to be that close to someone i don't want to be i don't like the invasion of your space no and they're like

actively trying to you know bump each other and swing at each other i don't get it at all i don't and i like some like shit that's a little bit hard sometimes and i stand in the very back yeah i don't need to be part of that shit no that's silly that's some that's some 18 year old shit yeah yeah and then you're like well if that's who the music is for then it might not be for us right right give me something to break it's a weird lifestyle it'd be great if they just get on stage and start beating the shit out of him. Give me something to break. I'm going to do Joe. Yeah, Thanksgiving, though.

It's going to be a good one. Oh, it's going to be a good one. Are we releasing this on Thanksgiving Day or are we going to do Sunday? It'd be kind of fun to drop this on Thanksgiving Day. What do you think, Peters? We can throw it out early. What do you think? I don't know.

Whatever Sunday that is. So this is before Thanksgiving or the Sunday after? We can throw it out early. What do you think? I don't know. Whatever Sunday that is. So this is before Thanksgiving or the Sunday after? This would be the Sunday after. So it would be nice to throw it out on Thanksgiving Day to give the people that don't have family to be with something to listen to. Dude, as a podcast fan. We could do that on Sunday before. Oh, we could do that.

That's not bad. We could do the Sunday before. What do you think, Mark? Yeah, that's not bad. Maybe the Monday. I don't know. Just give it a little closer to Thanksgiving. But I don't want to piss off the fans with a day late.

Again. Who gives a shit? Yeah, it's all the same. Fuck them. Not fuck the fans, but fuck their anger is what I'm saying. It's free. I think about that with my pod all the time. I'm like, I'm making so little money to do this.

If you're mad at me, I'm doing this for just the labor of love exactly yours is fun stand by your band i did that yeah leonard cohen i did leonard cohen i got a ton of shit you leonard cohen get out of here same as a young leonard cohen yeah good teacher really seems to care it's such a great premise it's a great idea who would you do mark who do you get made fun of for liking i love van morrison and everybody calls me a cheese dick because he's

so sappy and like lovey dovey but i love him i got van morrison on my playlist pre-show playlist oh nice baby please don't go that's good i like jackson brown i like jackson brown talking heads have you seen american utopia Please Don't Go. Wow. Ooh, that's good. I like Jackson Brown. Please Don't Go, I like Talking Heads. Talking Heads?

You were talking Heads? Oh, I love Talking Heads. Have you seen American Utopia? Dude, no. The David Byrne show? You gotta go see it. Are you kidding me? I should go see that.

Schumer hasn't told you to see that yet? She said it was great. Seinfeld loved it, too. Oh, it's incredible. I think he's the coolest guy there's ever been, maybe. I think he's so fucking cool. Yeah.

Me and Tommy McNamara, the co-host of my pod, we went on Josh's- Is he kidding me? Yeah, yeah, we went on Josh's- His basketball videos on Twitter are hilarious. Can we pull up one of his basketball videos? I'm pissed about the last one that he got cooking because I shot it, but I had the best

basketball day of my life that day. I could not miss that one fucking video of me. Nobody does it for me. You and I, we cooked Goldman that day. Man, Goldman was good. Yeah. Goldman's very good, but we were on we had tom had his three ball going i got the three ball going i had my bank shot locked oh it's nasty yeah couldn't handle it sammy koppelman was there too sammy's good yeah that was a fun day we gotta

get back out there i talked to goldman he was like oh i play at six in the morning in harlem and i was like i can't fucking do that oh I know his text are like meet me at 145th at 730 in the morning and I'm like none of those things are doable for me right now. Is this it? I've never seen this. No this isn't it. It's Tommy McNamara. What is this?

Go to his Twitter Tommy McNamara. Great Twitter. It might be hard to I don't know if you just look up Tommy McNamara basketball you might be able to find it the problem is Tommy is Tommy McNamara is also famous soccer player so

he's kind of fucked yeah that's what happened to you I know I know I know he was Tom Brady I was Tom Brady and to change it up because you could not google me man now I'm all over. I had one drink. It did 2.30 on fucking day.

I'm all over the place. It happens. There he is. Wow. Okay. He hit the rim on one. I love it. The thing is, Tommy is sneakily much better than you would think he would be.

But he's doing this on purpose? I don't think he's necessarily doing this on purpose let's see let's see some other videos there's one where he's throwing it behind his head and the ball comes back and smashes his phone and breaks it and it's it's great uh oh i remember that yeah we're there there was more of these i mean some of these were hilarious send it to me real fast uh that's not him. No, that's him. That's him. Oh, there it is. Yeah, yeah.

Saved. Oh, there we go. Yay! That went in. It's so funny because he talks so much shit in these two. It's great. You guys got to watch them. They're really fun.

What's the myth now, bitch? I love it. That's so good. Remember that scene with Philip Seymour Hoffman, R.I.P.? Yes. Oh, my God. Along Came Polly. It's so funny.

Make it rain. Rain drops. Make it rain. I do that all the time. It's one of my favorite comedy bits. Yeah. And it's fucking Philip Seymour Hoffman. I know.

The guy had so much range, it's so hard to be funny. Yeah. And that scene is hilarious. Along Came Polly. We've all recreated it every time you go on the basketball court and miss. I wonder how much work he put into that because he clearly put so much work into his – His son is now in the new movie. I saw that.

It's a new PTA, right? Paul Thomas Anderson movie. And one of the ladies from Haim. Very exciting stuff. Haim? The band Haim. I don't know Haim. It sounds good.

I read an interview with him and he's just a cool guy, Paul Thomas Anderson. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's the real deal. I mean, Boogie, although I'd say, I think his best movie is Boogie Nights still. Boogie Nights is the most fun by far, because there will be blood. It's awesome, but it's heavy. It's not fun.

Yeah. Boogie Nights is like, this is great. This guy's got a big dick. Philip Seymour Hoffman's gay. Riley's funny. It's awesome. Dude, it's heavy it's not fun yeah boogie nights is like this is great the guy's got a big dick philip seymour hoppin's gay riley's funny it's awesome dude it's uh it's uh yeah that movie i i knew a guy who was an extra in that movie uh there will be blood and he was like yeah daniel day lewis did not shut it off and it was fucking terrifying that seems brutal yeah yeah bring me a coffee like oh my God. Jesus. He's a little intense. Did you guys talk about this on here where it's like, it's never somebody, people do that method acting shit.

It's always an asshole. It's never like, oh, he was really nice the whole time. Oh, yeah. That's a good point. No, it's never like Rob Schneider was a European gigolo the whole shoot. He really was. Yeah. Tom hanks became mr rogers super cool he would do tom hanks interview on bill simmons pretty good oh yeah he never does like those types of interviews but uh pretty cool we talk about simmons is obsessed with castaways with a lot about cast i love i didn't know that movie took that long

four years or something well they shot they shot the two things separate i think they shot him heavier first and then on the island so it's like a year apart but no movie had done something like that they shot him heavier first or second go the other way if i were him i'd want to like bulk up after well he gets so skinny yeah he does yeah well he's on the island second i I think. No, he had time to lose all that weight. Right. But that whole year's got to suck now. Yeah.

That sucks. I think he also has to, like, grow the beard out. He was shooting another movie at the same time, so they had to, like, reverse it. Uh-huh. So it doesn't make sense for his other movies to shoot. Uh-huh. Yeah, it usually goes the other way. You usually have to gain weight for a role.

Well, I guess the machinist. Yeah. And Matt Damon had to lose weight. But all the superhero ones they gotta like bulk up that's true but then that's gotta be fun you just i'm assuming the studio is like here's a trainer and you're like yeah i would fucking oh yeah this is like part of the pay this is great yeah i know i know so hot yeah so hot and then it's just like pictures of him playing video games and stuff and i was like i would love that life right trainer video games i know you

don't have to do comedy anymore yeah weird how making movies is like one of the only ways people get thin because you know other people like i'm trying to lose weight it's not easy but if you put you in a movie we could do it because you'd have to get a trainer and everything yeah they should cast everybody on that like 600 pound life yeah just put them in a movie a new blockbuster film right that show is so depressing i can't watch shit like that i can't either i used to go to arty lang's house and we would watch it and arty arty narrating that show is maybe the funniest thing of all time he's so fucking funny arty lang is back and he's doing his podcast so that's awesome so go support Artie because I love that guy.

I really love that guy. I do too. I'm a fan. And it's not my job. I think it's Ari Maness, but he said, I can't believe Artie Lang outlived Norm MacDonald, which is such a good point. I can't believe Bob Dole outlived Norm MacDonald. Someone else said that, right? I mean, that's crazy.

Terrible. Oh, yeah, because he did Bob Dole. Yeah. Damn. That's crazy. RIP Norm. Yeah. Favorite of all time. he's your number one

number one number one i still top three if i ever am on the road i'm like in a fucking mood or whatever i'm just like i don't feel like doing anything i'll just watch him on youtube for whatever amount of time whenever i have something fun like an important thing to do i'll watch him just reading the man great uh the ads it's so funny you just see unfiltered joy and yeah he's doing it and making fun of the top of teller danger field just pure pure jokes those guys are animals but as far as googling and like a youtube wormhole norm is hard to be because he's got the stand-up he's got the weekend update he's got the podcast all that shit yeah probably no one's better a panel oh yeah it's

non-stop like he's he has so many clips he's non-stop funny there's never a moment that you're watching him where you're like oh norm was a little off on this one like he's always funny it's it's great it's you ever meet people who don't like norm they're like oh you're like come on dude when he died people were saying oh my god what the fuck you didn't see this being like i'm not it was like an old article. It was so stupid. It was like a whole article being like, I understand that he's

good, but it doesn't do it for me. I'm like, yeah, you know what that's called instead of an article is keeping it to yourself. Yeah, why did you

have to? And also, say that five years ago. Why did you do that right after he fucking died? Yeah, when people are fucking coping

with it. It's like, okay, now I've made something people will click on. Oh, it made me hate him. That sucked. Yeah, I got a good 10,000 hours for you.

Being a fucking human. You can suck my dick for 10,000 hours, bitch. That was the tipping point for me hating Malcolm King. Jesus Christ. I didn't know about that. He's supposed to be a smart guy. Yeah, and it's like, I didn't even finish it because it's like the whole point was like, I listened to the comedians who do love him and they know more than me. It's like, then why't even finish it because it's like the whole point was like, I listened to the comedians who do love him and they're no more than me.

It's like, then why the fuck do you write this? Quit chiming in, you kook. It's like saying, I'm wrong, but here's still what I feel. It's so funny to get pissed off wearing this. Yeah, you don't like him. That's cool. Yeah. I mean, it's not.

It's not cool. But it's fine. But you don't have to make it a whole thing. And especially the day after he dies or whatever. Yeah. No tact. Norm was the panel god. I mean, there was no one like him at walking that line.

And truly, man, Conan doesn't get enough credit for being – I mean, look, everyone knows Conan's great, but like he is incredible at setting you up. He's a point guard. Yes. He's fucking Chris Paul just making you look good out there he really is great straight man and he would lead you on by looking disturbed he'd be like what are you talking about and then norm would keep going oh so have you guys listened to the conan like tribute episode oh my god that was incredible but hearing him talk about the moth bit i immediately i was listening to the car with my lady and i was like we have to listen we have to you have to hear the moth bit now to understand the context of how funny this is that he's just

like and you now watching that clip you watch norm's eyes because he didn't know he was gonna have to do that segment ah and then he talked about it on conan he was like conan was like i surprised norm by being like we're keeping you for an extra seven minutes so norm is we his wheels are spinning because he doesn't know he had to be on for another seven minutes with nothing planned so he pulls out this fucking joke that he heard colin quintel the moth joke and he has to stretch that bit into seven minutes you see his eyes moving around it's incredible it's you got to listen to that and then watch that bit. It's so good. Yeah, Conan, he really – He gets comedy.

He's so good at like keeping the momentum in the air too. Yes. He'll get jokes in there without taking away from whoever the guest is, which is not easy to do. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Yeah, Norm's the best.

Colin Quinn said the two funniest hangs are Norm and Spade going at it. Yeah. I mean, you can see it when yeah when spade is on norm's podcast it might be the best podcast there's ever been it's so funny it's non-stop and spade's like oh god but it works it works spade and norm on dennis miller those episodes are incredible i've never seen them norm just fucks with them the whole time. It's great. It's pretty funny, man. I wish we'd pull that up, but it would take too long.

But yeah. It's so, watch that when you get home. It's a doozy. We got to do some Thanksgiving rankings, right? Oh, yeah. This is a Thanksgiving episode. This has been not Thanksgiving at all. I mean, we're dressed as pilgrims for fuck's sake. We're just getting fired up.

Mark's a turkey. We're dressed as this. And here's another thing about cancel culture. We're dressed like this. More white men need to weigh in on cancel culture. I've always said that. When is a white guy finally going to talk about people getting canceled? As a turkey, I'm offended.

It's always as a woman, as a black guy. No one gets canceled more than turkeys. That's true. Only one gets pardoned every year or whatever. It's kind of fucked up. Yeah. That's true. That's true. And only one gets pardoned every year or whatever. Right. Fuck, it's kind of fucked up. Yeah. That's got to be fucked up for that.

Yeah, all his friends are dead. That's going to be a Pixar movie. The turkey pardon. He's like, mom, dad. Like. Yeah, it's torture. You're like, you get to live, but you have to watch. All your friends and family die. Yeah.

Yeah. Turkey may be the best sandwich meat. You think so? Interesting. I think you think interesting i'm gonna go pastrami on that one whoa i'm going pastrami it's so heavy it's true it's true it's a day ender that i it depends on how you do it because this is a this is i was gonna i was maybe gonna do this as a wreck even because i bought yesterday i bought turkey and i bought pastrami i bought i just i put like one slice of pastrami on some bread and it's incredible people the problem with ordering pastrami at a restaurant is they give you a stack of it yes that's right yeah it's your fucks up your day pastrami reuben or pastrami melt maybe pastrami with egg and cheese whoa that is good it's so good you're gonna give me a heart attack just talking about it i mean corn if you go to like

one of those classic cats's or any of those classic delis and you get like corned beef or pastrami, it's – But if I'm going like normal day, yeah, turkey with a little cheddar mayo, that's a classic New York sandwich. Or I'll do a little – even a turkey burger, chicken breast. I like to go a little lighter because it's like usually a lunch type thing. Yeah, exactly. I'm trash. So I – when I'm trying to lose weight, I just buy turkey

and I just eat the turkey. No sandwich, no bread. I do that all the time. I just eat loose turkey and that's my meal. I go to the grocery store and I'm like,

I want the turkey breast shit. I don't want that bullshit processed nitrate shit. Yeah, yeah. I want the real turkey. You get the slicer guy? Yes, I get the slicer guy. Oh, I love the slicer guy.

I didn't start doing that until like two years ago when I walked by. I have to sell the steam for that. Dude, it feels incredible. It'll change your life. All right. Because you ask the guy, you just confidently order, and he does it, and you're like, what

the fuck did I just do? But isn't it like $800 for a sliced turkey? No, it's not. It's like the same shit, basically. It's slightly more expensive than doing like Hormel or some shit. That's what I do. The Hormel? Hormel is trash.

You got to stop the Hormel. I'm a whore. It's fucking $3 more. You have money, man. All right. You know what I love about pastrami and the turkey is those ends. I love that flavorful end. I want to just eat the ends.

Because they season the fuck out of them, too. Oh, it's so good. I love the skin. I do that salsalito turkey. It's so good, man. I do love a little pepper turkey, a little honey turkey. Honey turkey. Honey turkey all day.

Honey turkey? All day. Honey turkey. With a little, I'll mix up the cheeses. I'll get a little fuck., a little honey turkey. Honey turkey. Honey turkey all day. I'll mix up the cheeses. Sometimes I'll do Gouda. Sometimes I'll do cheddar. Sometimes I'll do fucking Swiss. I don't fuck with the cheese. Munster. Good show.

Munster's like the William H. Macy of cheeses. Always delivers, but it's not talked about enough. Hear, hear. Also married a criminal. Yeah, he wasn't a criminal at all. Yeah, it's funny. It's funny. You see that scene in Fargo, and you're like, oh, this is like his life.

Oh, my God. You're right. I didn't think about that. Wait a minute. He married a criminal? No, his wife went to jail, remember? Oh, right, right, right. The doc about that is incredible, by the way. I don college oh right right right the doc about that is

incredible by the way i don't know there's a doc about that uh on netflix it is so good i gotta find they pump docs out quick now i know something happens there's a doc about it they have all this real tape uh from the people who are talking to the that guy who was fixing the college like uh what do you call it like who was fixing their shit to get them in or whatever they have him talking about like yeah and we'll just pretend they're on the diving team or whatever they have the audio and you hear the people team you hear the people getting nervous on the phone they're like i don't really want to talk about this that much on the phone whoa you know you know what the deal is and it's like they have all the audio. It's insane.

That's terrifying. I got to find the name of this. Then they just pause the phone and they're like, Jews. You're like, what? Jesus. Yeah, Lori Loughlin, man. She's aged incredibly well. So is John Stamos.

Whatever's in that full house of water. Bob Saget doesn't look bad either. Bob Saget looks good. I know. Coulier looks all right. They look all right. Have you actually seen Coulier in a minute? No, I haven't seen it. I was just yes-handing, Mark. I don't know what good. I know. Coulier looks all right. They look all right. Have you actually seen Coulier in a minute? No, I haven't seen it.

I was just yes-handing, Mark. I don't know what he's talking about. No, I just think probably being rich for 30 years helps. That's, yeah, Chris Rock said rich is the best lotion. Yeah. It keeps you looking good. Stamos looks insane. It's crazy.

He's so fucking hot, man. I'd fuck him in the ass. You'd fuck Stamos? Wait, what was I going to say about, oh oh the lori lawson thing bugs me a little because uh i thought that was part of getting making it in america was you get you know you get little perks like free college what's the difference between going to usc and like fucking uc santa barbara like it's all fucking the same shit you're rich anyway your kids are set up like your kids don't even fucking need to go to college. There's ever been a scam.

She's married to some massive designer. Her money comes from her husband who's a designer. Who's the husband? Look, I don't know. Pull it up, man. I don't know. Massimo? Massimo.

What? That guy? Yeah. I had those cargo shorts. I forgot about Massimo. Is that the same guy? That's like the Target designer. Isn't that the Target brand? Yeah, it is. I love the Targetimo. Is that the same guy? That's like the Target designer. Isn't that the Target brand?

Yeah, it is. I love the Target brand. Me too. They're fucking beyond loaded. That's the point. When your life is already a shortcut, you don't need more shortcuts. I think that's the point they're making. I see.

But is that jail worthy? I mean, what, did she do two months in a fucking yeah it's not like it was real jail her prison was like being in Delta 1 it was still it was still fine I mean you're in the air but you get a good seat they're bringing you snacks you still are getting free bourbon

and shit you probably you probably like getting healthy you're probably like I'll do yoga I'll do Pilates sometimes it does seem like it would be nice to go to jail for like that type of prison for like a month where you're like, well, every day I'm going to work out. I'm going to be so fucking bored. Might read a couple books. Yeah. It's the same as like getting like a spa or a trainer.

You got to go in and get in shape. You know, you can't watch TV. You can't leave your phone. It's like almost good for you. It's like a retreat. You don't get to eat snacks and shit you can't drink this is all being said i don't want to go to prison but if you have to go this is the way to go into this episode bring them in no but it really is uh i don't know man it's here's the thing it's like people are they're

sacrificial lambs you know like that's true i mean she was made an example of you know and bad time to you know to be super privileged and right and not really be like yeah i fucked it's hard it's also hard though when you're the the sacrificial person to be like i fucked up because you usually are made an example of yeah yeah for sure and i think they know that and their lawyer tells them that and they go all right all right look you're a hot white woman in her 50s you're rich as fuck it's the height of blm it looks good it's optics yeah a lot of things are optics yeah we're learning i mean still better to be laurie law from than george floyd let's be real she got off easy yeah yeah how's she doing is she out when are we gonna get the la the Lori Loughlin prison porn? That's next.

Man. I want to see it. I want to see it. It's called Full House. All right. Every hole. That's actually the new season of Orange is the New Black is exactly that. Yeah, dude. That'd be a great 80s movie, too, with the husband's annoyed with his kids and his wife,

and he's like, I'll go to jail. Yeah. I'll get away. Yeah. Oh, that sounds like an 80s movie. It does's annoyed with his kids and his wife and he's like i'll go to jail yeah i'll get away yeah oh that sounds like an 80s movie it does yeah uh what's his name uh what's the guy was in soul man oh see thomas howell see thomas howell just talking about that did you guys watch that when you were kids like of course of course do you think it fucking ruled when you were a kid i remember being like this is hilarious and then and then you grow up and you're like this is not a good crazy not a good film and i'm shocked it was made even in the eight yes it was too late this is backwards for the 80s you got that right you're

doing blackface it's part of an experiment i'm like yeah but you can't do blackface this is that really probably have you seen c th Thomas Howell lately? He looks great No He's aged well Pull up C. Thomas Howell Really? He's in botch I think apparently Blackface is good

For your skin Being rich and black Yes That would be fucked up If you're like It's actually the best thing For your skin Well

That's what J-Lo does Those charcoal masks Those charcoal They look like blackface I see my girlfriend I'm like This is not acceptable Yeah

Was it Kyle Dunnigan? Holy shit. He looks pretty good. He looks great. He's not bad. Full head of hair. Yep. That'll do it.

That's not a good picture of him. He actually looks good. I mean, he's on. He's got good hair. Yeah. I mean, look at that fucking hair. Look at him. See, that's like he's done up there, but he looks good there.

He looks better than Anthony Michael Hall. Look at him. He's a handsome man. Man, that Outsiders is just a hunk fest, huh? Matt Dillon. Oh, yeah. Matt Dillon, Tom Cruise, Patrick Swayze, Rob Lowe. I mean, the list goes on.

Remember Matt Fultron's joke? He's like, yo, this girl invited me over to watch Dirty Dancing 2 Havana Nights. And I go, yo, no Swayze, no Waze. He has a couple lines. He has some of the dumbest jokes that make me laugh. I love his- He makes me laugh. He has that line where

he's like you know they say you catch more flies with honey but you catch more honeys when you're fly it's just watching him do that you gotta see a picture of him just see how funny that is he's such a i love that guy dude uh let's rank some fucking yeah thanksgiving and hey man we appreciate you guys on Thanksgiving. We're thankful for you guys listening. And we hope you're having a good Thanksgiving. Because this is an American, an important American holiday. I agree.

And it's purely American. Very, yeah. We came in, we killed the Choctaw, and we ate. How long are we going to be allowed to do this holiday? Is this going to be like Columbus Day? Are they going to take this one away? I think this might be the last one. It's like right on the fucking end.

The problem is there's no one to put it on. Like Columbus, you put it on Columbus or whatever. This is just pilgrims and food. My family goes hard. We wore Redskins jerseys. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, this is crazy.

These are perfect. I love how we're dressed. This is great. This is fun. Gobble, gobble. This is what this is fun i've never done deviled eggs for thanksgiving i gotta be honest oh my god i gotta tell you i grew up being like i fucked deviled eggs and then i got a little older and had like a good one and i was like oh my god these are yeah these are way up there for me i've never had them for i don't think it was my thanksgiving side but yeah if they were they're they're in my they're in the conversation come on yeah yeah they go a long way

i love them you can't eat too many though because you will yak yellow yeah and your shit's gonna be all fucked up you don't want that all right what else you got here yeah you can't rank them till we've seen all of them right uh-huh wow you're going full powerpoint on this motherfucker jesus brussels sprouts i love brussels sprouts again i don't think of them as thanksgiving yeah i've never had a brussels sprout on thanksgiving but a crispy brussels especially when you throw some fucking pork in there like bacon or something i will say this about brussels sprouts a little too thick they're just there's a little too much bite in there that i would i'd prefer it was a little thinner yeah no i hear you yes there you go oh no i fucking roast brussel sprouts i love them as far as like bringing them to thanksgiving i feel like that's what your your aunt who's on like a health kick brings it ain't fun yeah it's like the cool and

brings like mashed potatoes with cheese and like- This might be number one for me. Really? I got a bone to pick with this. Marshmallow yams? The marshmallows are too much. It's once a year. It's too much. The marshmallows are too much.

I agree. This is a speedball. We already got sweet potato and now we're going to put on marshmallow? Get out of here. I would love if it was just a sweet potato. Yes. Yes. But the marshmallow, it makes me sick.

You know what, Mark? It's not a fucking healthy day. It's a decadent holiday. I'm not trying to be healthy, but you're putting marshmallows on a savory vegetable? Come on. I don't like it because I'm getting my sugar by I'm drinking a bottle of wine that day. That's a day where I'm drinking red wine all day. Yeah.

Having marshmallows on top, I'm like, I'm going to have a fucking sugar crash. And there's an apple pie coming later with a scoop of ice cream. It's too much. You're all making good points. And I'm still fucking going hard for the yams, brother. I like the yams. Get the marshmallow out. That's all I want.

What's next? We're going to put some Reese's Pieces on top of green beans? Where does it end? Now, that's not a bad idea. You can't put candy on it. You know what? That sounds good. My brother used to babysit me, and he would make pasta and just throw M&Ms in there.

That's a vegetable in Indiana. That's the mashed potatoes and Twix. It's too much. Someone handed me a Twix on stage because I ranked the number one in the Halloween rankings. A woman in the front row just handed me a Twix. I was like, all right. That's a solid candy bar. I love that you did that.

Twix is underrated, man. Twix is fucking good. Twix. That's a Seinfeld. Oh, I mean, mac and cheese is in the top three. This is probably number one for me because my mom puts shrimp in it. Whoa. Okay, now we're talking.

I think mac and cheese on its own without like a breadcrumb crunch is highly overrated. You need something in there. If it's just a floppy mac and cheese without any fucking fun there, it's like saggy titties. You're like, what's going on here? Still good. There's no texture. Still good. But there's no texture.

Yeah. They both look like an elbow noodle going on here? Still good. There's no texture. Still good. But there's no texture. Yeah. They both look like an elbow noodle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get it. You can still eat them. I'll suck on both of them, but afterwards I'll be like, I wish there was some crunch.

You can still eat them when you're 90. Yeah. You have no teeth. It's good. Yeah. All right. I like that. Now, gravy to me, I can't eat Thanksgiving without gravy.

I need extra gravy. Double down on the gravy. But is it a side? No. No, because you're not just eating gravy you need it but no i'm with you you're not eating gravy alone it's got to be on the turkey and on the mashed potatoes and all that shit and on my asshole i'm with you turkey can be a little dry yeah how about you can throw some cranberry juice on there cranberry sauce juice we're drinking cranberry juice on there. Cranberry juice and sauce. Cranberry sauce juice. I'm sorry, bud. We're drinking cranberry juice right now, so I'm – Speaking of which, skip the wine. Drink hot toddies this year.

Dude, I'm getting this recipe from you, brother. This is good as hell. My family never did cornbread for Thanksgiving either, but I mean, I love – This is like – This feels like a southern type of – Yeah. And I will say like cornbread is incredible. I mean, I can't knock it ever.

Cornbread is good as hell. Cornbread is so good. You ever have like a jalapeno cornbread? Oh, my God. I love it. it ever. Cornbread's good as hell. Great. So good. You ever have, like, a jalapeno cornbread? Oh, my God. I love it. There's a restaurant in Brooklyn that does that. It's so good. There was, like, a southern, like, maybe New Orleans-inspired restaurant in Brooklyn that

does jalapeno cornbread that is fucking incredible. I mean, it's incredible. Some of them do a cheese and jalapeno, and that's pretty great. Yes. Yeah, I mean, it's hard to knock. What is this? Stuffing? It doesn't look like... I mean, hey, man, stuffing, for me, might be number one. it's hard to knock. What is this? Stuffing.

It doesn't look like. I mean, hey, man, stuffing for me might be number one. I agree with you entirely. With the gravy, it's up for me. I love stuffing. Last? Don't fuck with stuffing. There's always too much onion in it. I don't like onions, so it fucks me up.

Sometimes you get some like walnuts and sausage in that stuffing. Oh, yeah. Dude, I'm a big. Stuffing for me is probably one. Me too. With gravy. My mom does oyster stuffing. It's a game changer. Oh, my God., I'm a big, I'm a, stuffing for me is probably one. I'm probably going to go. Me too. With gravy. My mom does oyster stuffing. It's a game changer.

Oh, my God. That's great. Mark. Great. New Orleans food is the best food on the planet. It's the best. But his mom's a cook too. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God. I didn't know that. Holy shit. She's a big foodie whore. She goes nuts. And now, see this I don't need. No. This is out.

What even is this? Is this just cranberry cocktail or some shit? Cranberry sauce, gelatin, bullshit. Yeah, that didn't do it for me. Now see this I don't need. What even is this? Is this just cranberry cocktail or some shit? Cranberry sauce, gelatin, bullshit. Cranberry sauce is fine, but I'll throw a fucking weird one out here. I'm fine with that prepared bullshit. This is the one thing we can cut corners on. If we're cutting corners, there's not a big difference between high-end cranberry sauce and whatever.

Just as long as it doesn't look like the can on the plate. This looks like trash. It's actually jello salad. Oh, that's disgusting. Strike it from the list. Jesus Christ. Why is it surrounded by cranberries? Why don't I take my false teeth in my retirement community before I blow my neighbor?

What the fuck is this? Surrounded by cranberries just so you know that it's not just a prolapse. Yeah, right? This is horrible. That looks terrible. Get rid of it. Put it in the trash. That sheet should be done.

This is what my toilet looks like after Thanksgiving. Thank God for the bidet. Is this green bean casserole? This is my number one. Yeah, I like this. This is my number one. Stuffing, two. Mac and cheese, three.

Mashed potato, four. You don't love the green bean. I like this. It's on my lower end. I'm getting a little scoop of this. It's not covering a lot of it. I go big scoops. Low end for me.

I like the cream of mushroom sauce, and I like a vegetable. See, I would rather, I like, my mom just does green beans straight up, and I would prefer that, because I'm like, I need the green on the plate to mix it up. Interesting. You just want to feel like you're being healthy. Exactly. I need a couple moments, even though they're covered in butter and shit, it's like'm still with crunchy onions on top yes that's a great call you don't like that it's such a decadent like you're eating so much food this this day that you want something green on

there that you don't feel like exactly because i want i want the bad stuff to be bad yeah i want it to be so bad i want the good stuff to be a little good you know what that might be a that might be a fucking divisive. This might be the most polarizing podcast yet, but I'm going to say it right now. The marshmallow crunch on top of those yams gets all the dicks hard and all the pussies wet, dude. There it is.

Let's do it. You heard it here first, folks. I like the sound of that. I disagree, but I like it. That is a cute croissant. Love a croissant. Is this a Thanksgiving one? Yes.

My mom does these. I've never heard of this on Thanksgiving. Love it. I don't know this either. They call them crescent rolls in Indiana. These are great. I'm a big fan. It's just a French spy.

I mean, I'm anti-bread on this holiday. What? Unless it's corn. You're not dipping bread in anything? Stuffing is all bread anyway. Stuffing is all bread. Why do we need more bread? This is where I'm getting my bread because this holiday. What? Unless it's corn. You're not dipping bread in anything? Stuffing is all bread anyway. Stuffing is all bread. Why do we need more bread? This is where I'm getting my bread because I don't do the stuffing.

So these crescent rolls, you can cut them in half, make a tiny little sandwich. It's so good. That sounds pretty nice. Because those are little too. They're not like big croissant rolls. And they're hollow kind of too. So there's not much there. If we're talking, by the way, I'm throwing another thing out there as a side it's not a food uh-oh side little uh thanksgiving movie planes trains and automobiles

wait we'll get the movies we're doing that we're doing movies what i thought we were doing a whole thing on that okay we'll do movies don't worry now there's your cranberry sauce that's the cranberry i don't need it i walk right by it's. It's a supporting player, Mark. It's essential. It's not a star. For me, it's like either gravy or this, and I'm taking gravy. Here, here. Agreed. This one doesn't really do it for me much. I'm against this. I think you can have it all.

It's Thanksgiving. This is the day we took everything from a group of people. Let's keep everything. Yeah. Biscuits? Yeah, that's good, but I take the crescent roll over the biscuit. I mean, we can't have this, cornbread, and this shit. Yeah, it's too much.

I would take the cornbread and the crescent roll over this. Biscuits are great. I'm passing on this. My family doesn't do any of this shit, but if I were to rank, I'd go cornbread first. Same. Same. But the thing is, the biscuits hit the table first while everything else is being brought out.

You snack on a little butter biscuit, and then you go and grab the cornbread with the rest of the stuff got it this yeah i only need one bread it looks excellent i mean it looks great all this shit is crunchy and delightful but it's like sometimes you're at a barbecue place and they bring shit like this out and you're like i'm about to eat so much sugar i don't know if i can handle all this dude exactly and that type of this type of food i have to pace myself so much sugar i don't know if i can handle all this exactly and that type of this type of food i have to pace myself so much my stomach gets fucked up so fast now yeah i can't eat like this so it's like i gotta pick one bread and like one really fucked up thing and then one girl i can't do all of it it's the same with sex you know sometimes the girls start jerking you off and

you're like you gotta stop i'm gonna fuck you i'm gonna come yeah don't blow me don't blow me you blow me it's over i'm like mom you don't get this hand job bullshit yeah for choking me you can't be right right because girls are different you can do all this foreplay they could go like five times in a night but once i come i'm i'm gay now i have no interest in a big potato i mean look i'm gonna say this right now you can't ever go wrong with a big potato But once I come, I'm gay now. I have no interest in women. A baked potato. I mean, look. I'm going to say this right now. You can't ever go wrong with a baked potato. Can't go wrong.

You throw some butter and sour cream on there. With a chive or a bacon bit or a little cheese. The chive is subtle but excellent. I feel like this is going to come up. But baked potato or mashed potato? That's a good question. I prefer it baked. I go baked. I go baked. It's a little classier. It's controversial. There's That's a good question. I prefer it baked. I think I might go baked.

I go baked. It's a little classier. It's controversial, but there's something about a baked potato. Mashed potato is incredible. You have a garlic mashed potato. It's good. But you know what's really good? Throwing that garlic on that baked potato.

Now we're talking about you getting the skin. But also there's a combo here where if you get the skin in the mashed potatoes, that's where I like it. That's a nice touch. Or have you ever done the scooped out baked potato, mash it, put it back in the skin in the oven, the double baked potato. Rockefeller? What do you got?

That's how you do it. And you mash it in with some cheese. What? I got a potato ricer just for this. I'm perfecting my baked potato, mashed potato recipe. Interesting. I like where your head's at. I love it.

I never had a private chef growing up, head's at i love it i never had a private chef growing up so i didn't have that i'm fine with a baked potato but i we don't really do that we i think maybe mash i don't know you like the we we only do oh wait what is that that's where it's at that's actually the best that's a scallop potato Those are so good That might be the winner It's got the cheese, the parsley, the butter, the pepper I never see these though

Where do you get these? My mom makes these They're not easy to make You gotta slice them Number one Potato is fucking incredible Is there a more versatile vegetable than potato? No It's not really a vegetable it is but it's one of those vegetables you're like this is some imposter bullshit yeah but if you're trying to lose weight you and you

stick to baked potatoes you're gonna be all right really yeah yeah yeah i thought it was a starch i thought it was a starch but it's a starch but if you're like when i was really losing weight like when i was the thinnest i've ever been i I would heat up a fucking potato, cut it in half, and just put a bunch of pepper on it. You're going to be fine. All right. It's so low calorie. A little offensive to the Irish. They missed out on that mode.

Yep, yep, yep. They fucked up. What is this? What is this? This I've never heard of. Cabbage rolls. What is this? Cabbage rolls. Oh, God never heard of. Cabbage rolls. What is this? Cabbage rolls.

This is crazy. This is crazy. Yeah, you Polack. Is this a fucking five-star restaurant that we're having Thanksgiving dinner at? This is disqualified because it's not a Thanksgiving food, but as just a food, stuffed cabbage is phenomenal. Phenomenal. It looks good, but it's like- It's great.

It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. We're not eating a basilica.

This is Michelin shit. This is- Yeah. But stuffed cabbage is incredible. Incredible. It's just eating a basilica. This is some Michelin shit. Stuffed cabbage is incredible. It's just not a Thanksgiving food. It's an underrated dish. That's actually what I grew up on. Corn is... Oh, really? Well, you're a Russian weirdo.

I was born in Ukraine. I'm a Russian weirdo. That's why I love bread stuffing and green bean casserole, because those are like holy American things that I never had growing up. My stuffing was like the traditional like they looked at myths from the the the puritans and they were like they used grains and cranberries in there i never had bread bread stuff okay but this this this we can get rid of this this is just an everyday it's a normal side i don't know if this is thanksgiving i'll tell you like what's

if i'm doing corn these days i want that fucking vietnamese corn that street corn where you the spicy mayo on that shit oh that's like a mexican thing though isn't it the elote as i'm into like where there's all the oh my god that's incredible yeah i'm into that shit yeah but yeah this is not really like corn is great on thanksgiving but it's not it's not like a go-to thanksgiving mostly there because a lot of old people are there. No one wants to watch an old person with weird TV corn. That's true. We're doing the, oh, those are actually like this.

Cocktail weenies are not a Thanksgiving food, though. It's an appetizer. That thing goes around. In Indiana, that would be there. Oh, it's an app. It's a classic app. I do like it. But I don't think it's a Thanksgiving food.

Nah. Yeah. I would hold off and wait for the real meal. Listen, if you come from a broken home and your dad's trying to cook something. That's true. That's true. He's like, your mom will call me back, won't she? I got a broken home.

Come on. My dad didn't try to cook. The apartment's temporary. I'm going to get a house. I'm not going to live in a motel forever, kiddo. You can trust me. In some countries, it's a daily. Oh, the green hulks.

Mark. We're all mad at Mark for doing fucking. Fentanyl. Fentanyl. Fentanyl. Good holiday meal, though. Mark, what the fuck? Please never do fentanyl again. Did you actually do fentanyl?

Yeah, I did the Green Hulk, but I wasn't planning on it. Is there fentanyl in that? Supposedly. I don't know. It knocked me out for like two days. He was out for 14 hours. Mark, stop doing fentanyl. Well, I got exposed to fentanyl, too.

Really? And I don't even do drugs like that It was Molly mishap And it was supposedly safe But it's like I was like, I don't have any interest in these drugs I like booze And mushrooms

That's it And you're not at risk any other way. Pills are scary. But I felt like shit for days after doing this. And I didn't know what it was. And then it turned out it was fucking Fentanyl. Whoa. Yeah.

There you go. Yeah, little Finny Finny. Well, we're glad to have you here. Be careful, both of you. People are fucking dying from that shit. I know. A lot of people die. It's crazy.

I fucking have lost friends to this shit. Don't do it, please. Don't die. No, thank you. So take that off the list. I don't want this podcast to be, I might be drunk. It's going to be pretty sad. Put a little fentanyl in the next one.

Yeah. I mean, that turkey. The turkey's got a little fentanyl in it. It puts you right to bed. All right. That's all the sides we got. Okay. I gave you my top four i think we need you all

the top four is my top four i go stuffing yams uh i mean shit cornbread there you can't hard to leave cornbread off we're doing one and then i probably go uh no i don't consider gravy or cranberry sauce to be a real side those are those are like sauces so uh damn i don't know what else i don't know my last one is what do you guys got i'm so and i'm sorry green bean uh green bean stuffing mac and cheese potato all right all right i'm going scallop potato number one yeah that'll be my fourth one that's number one for me uh i'm gonna go after that the mac and cheese and my mom puts little shrimpies in there and i put that that's part mac and cheese is incredible it's so good great great then uh i think i gotta go deviled egg and

then i'm gonna i'm closing it out with uh with the old cornbread i. That's the beauty of Thanksgiving is whatever it is to you, really. I mean, there's no wrong answer. I mean, this is – I feel weird putting – I love deviled eggs. I love Brussels sprouts. I love all that stuff. But I can't – it's not a Thanksgiving. It doesn't like ring – See, for me, deviled egg is like that's only Thanksgiving for me.

Really? Yeah, that's like I'm only eating that on Thanksgiving. I see happy hour as in now. I know. I know. It's kind of nice. That's like a'm only eating that on Thanksgiving. I see Happy Hour as a no. I know, I know. It's kind of nice. But that's like a trendy thing. That's a trendy thing. But when I – growing up, that was a thing and now it's like I really do love it.

Yeah. Everything else, I just – I like a lot of this stuff. But I don't – I'm not loading up the plate that hard on Thanksgiving. A lot of this stuff – I get full on mac and cheese and like the potatoes. But yeah, it's not like – Well, Tom blacks out by 11.30 a.m. That's true. I'm drinking a bottle of wine in there and that's most of my Thanksgiving.

Hard not to get drunk on Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah. You're around family which expedites the process. Exactly. Yeah. I mean it's really – it's a great day though. You're around family. It's necessary.

It's nice. It's good. It's – and look, if you're one of those people listening you're not around family we're sending love it's it's nice but also like i get it some people can't go home at times and hey man i if you can't do the thanksgiving thing i think a great substitute for me chinese food order in chinese it's a comfort food i'm a jew well that's what i do that's my christmas on our christmas episode i'll be telling you all about that i do you best believe i want to go to nick's games and eat chinese Well, that's what I do. That's my Christmas. On our Christmas episode, I'll be telling you all about that. I do.

You best believe I want to go to Knicks games and eat Chinese food. Yeah. That's a good day right there. And I will say, if you can't be with your family, just try a little fentanyl. Yeah. Just kick out for a couple days. There you go. The green hope is gone.

Yeah. I will say, though, you can tell how close your family is by how late you eat Thanksgiving. My family has nothing to say to each other, so we're eating Thanksgiving dinner at like 9 a.m. We just gotta get something going, you know? Because it's so awkward. So we eat dinner early.

Do you get the football on too? Yeah, but my family doesn't like football. Really? In New Orleans? Nah, my parents are a bunch of intellectual nerds. They don't give a shit. My parents don't like it either. I'm the one who throws the game. Yeah, I my family doesn't like football. Really? In New Orleans? Nah, my parents are a bunch of intellectual nerds. They don't give a shit. My parents don't like it either. I'm the one who throws the game. Yeah, I'm watching football.

And this year, I'm not going home because I was just there. I was just at the attic in Indiana. So I was like, I'll see my mom there, go back for Christmas. You can't go home all the time. Every time. Nah, nah, nah. I'm just lucky my folks live right behind me, so we're doing it. But, you know, it is weird.

I mean, look, I don't see him like I used to given the last year. You just don't see people like you used to. And also, we've been on the road like crazy. You know, Thanksgiving's a special – it's a special day. I know. I can't wait to go back. For what it represents. Just like the idea of like, you know, whether you're with family or not, maybe with friends, it's nice.

I have distinct memories of being like 12, 13, 14 and coming downstairs and smelling it already being cooked. You know, your mom's going to town with the apron on and the living room smells up and then you see the plates going out. It's a nice moment. Oh, yeah. It's definitely like, it's fun. It's also my birthday around because it's always a Thursday around my birthday. Sometimes it lands on it. I'm always like, this is going to be great because it's almost like Christmas for me

where it's like I'm getting gifts on top of the dinner. It's great. Remember the transition from kid table to big table? That was fun. Huge. That was big. It sucked to be in that middle ground though when you're like just on the cusp of it and you're like, God damn it.

I know. I'm talking to these fucking nerds. I'm going to talk to these fucking idiot kids. We did it in Boston every year. So, our tradition was we would go, you know, my grandparents were in Boston and then for Friday, Black Friday, we always went to Cheers for, it was just for whatever reason became a tradition. Yeah.

Because it was Boston. It was Boston. Oh, that's fun. We'd watch, my brother and I would watch Cheers. Yeah. And then we'd go to Cheers. That's great. And we'd eat like a burger.

It was like, man, what a gluttonous weekend. Yeah, why not? But like Cheers, classic, man. Classic, yeah. I do remember getting to the finally, because my parents and my grandparents were all talking about news and shit. And I was like 14, trying to get laid and get drunk. And, you know, my grandfather was like, how about that Arafat?

I'm like, oh, yeah, Saddam. I didn't know anything going on, but that was a big deal. Saddam. The 90s. What are the other Thanksgiving traditions? Are there movies you've thrown in? I used to set up, like, football games and stuff. Like, we would play.

Oh, that's great. I forgot about the playing football outside. We would play football and play basketball and stuff. Good way to burn off that food and build up an appetite. Missed that. Missed that. I remember we played hide and go seek one year, my sister, and I hid behind my grandma's house and I was like, oh, she'll never find me here.

I just hid in a pile of shit. That's minute. No, no, no. It was Boston. Oh, okay. And my grandma was like scrubbing the shit off me. I'm like, man, I suck. I really suck. I'm a little dumb dumb kid why was there a pile of shit yeah there must have been some

animal they didn't have pets i don't know what the hell i didn't know how to be out of the city so i'm just like a line in a pile of shit and i was like you never found me and my sister's like yeah good job his dad played hide and seek, too, and really hit it. Do I love... Planes Trains is the movie. Oh, you can't beat it. You know why? It's funny as shit, and it's got the heart, which really puts it over the edge. I'm the real article.

So good. The real article. You know what movie underrated, I think? Dutch. Oh, wow. You ever watch Dutch? I haven't heard about Dutch. Yes.

20 years. Ed O'Neill was hilarious. Was that a young Ethan Embry or am I crazy? Oh, was that on the list? I believe it was. Oh, Ethan Randall. Sorry. Well, John Hughes produced it.

Ed O'Neill is fantastic. He's so funny, man. Married with Children was hilarious. So funny. So funny. I haven't seen it in years. It was that and Roseanne and I wasn't married with children. Dude, I seen it in years. It was that and Roseanne and I was a Married with Children guy. Dude, I loved both of them.

I was a huge Roseanne fan. Roseanne is really funny. It's really well written. For whatever reason, Married with Children was the one that hit me. Married with Children was like family guy level funny. Oh, yeah. But it was like at that time it was live action and you're like, how is this so fucking funny? I know, and dark dark It's so mean

It's like trashy in a beautiful way Every show was not trashy They were all like trying to be like look At the end of the day we all love each other And we're a good family And Ed O'Neill was like I can't fuck my wife Yeah he was a shoe salesman He always talked about how great high school was

A high school football team I was like seven being like what the fuck shoe salesman. He always talked about how great high school was, the high school football theater. I ran for four touchdowns. I was like seven being like, what the fuck? You rewatch it, he would walk in the room. He goes, you know, a fat woman came into the shoe store and I would go, woo! And then half the show was just him

with his hands in his pants. Yes, that was a punchline. Let's rock. Who does, was that a thing dads were doing? They were like kind of slowly jerking off i was like who wrote that i know this is a normal family thing and they had a group called no ma'am which didn't allow women it was so over the top misogynist and like degenerate it was hilarious oh and dude i mean the kids were great david faustino christina applegate oh yeah i love that katie sagal is like super hot he's like oh my wife i know you're a balding shoe salesman and this woman's dying to fuck you and you're like oh yeah very relatable

good show good show she was incredible a lot a lot of people protest ed o'neill dutch yeah i i haven't seen this. I'm going to rewatch it. I'm going to like it as a kid, yeah. What's the premise? He gets stuck with a kid and he's like a- It's like his girlfriend's kid or something like that, right? And then they hate each other, which is also funny. It's a bad dynamic and the kid is an asshole.

So you side with Ed O'Neill a little bit. Oh, great. I love the tagline. It's like Home Alone with Bart Simpson. That's great. That's how big the Simpsons were too. They were making other taglines. What other Thanksgiving movies are there?

Never saw this. Get that out of here. What is this? This is a stretch. Katie Holmes, Oliver Pratt. Love Oliver Platt. Platt, sorry. My boy, John Weisberg,

a boy who used to work with him. That's right. That's right. I've never heard of this movie ever. What are we doing, my daughter? What the fuck? Is Pocahontas next? Fuck you, Ron Tomatoes. Ron Tomatoes has been fucking throwing out...

What is this shit? That fits the theme a little bit at least. That is not those fucking Thanksgiving movies. What are these shit? That fits the theme a little bit at least. That is not a whole fucking Thanksgiving movie. What are these? Robert Downey Jr. Home for the holidays. That feels more Christmas. Yeah.

I think that this is the problem with nailing down Thanksgiving movies. We're going to have a lot of Christmas cross. Plains Trains, it's over. Plains Trains is over. What else? Son-in-law. What are these? Wow.

Thanksgiving movies suck. People like Citizen Kane. What the hell? The. Thanksgiving movies suck. People like Citizen Kane. What the hell? The wine sign? That's not a fucking Thanksgiving movie. Hot Bullock in that one, though. That one, the Charlie Brown one's not bad. There you go.

Okay. That I've heard of. That's it? Man. Thanksgiving movies are tough. There's got to be some others. Alex's Restaurant. I'm pulling some up.

What the fuck? We're scraping the barrel here. This is crazy. A Thanksgiving classic? Classic. Call in if you have a real Thanksgiving movie because these are brutal. Man. Are there any others?

Yeah, when you guys pitched this as a thing, I was like, I don't think there's a lot of Thanksgiving movies really. Holy hell. What else is- It is a very relatable time. I think Christmas, though, gets the, it's the star of the season. That's it. Grumpy Old Men?

Oh, there you go. That's a fun movie, man. I got a rec for you. I'd never seen the original Bad News Bears, and I watched it. Oh, I saw the plane, and it was hilarious. I haven't seen that in forever. I love that they're kids, and they're like 11 years old, but they're smoking cigarettes. Yes.

And even like Tatum O'Neill, every kid is like, yeah is like yeah blow it out your ass old man they all have like that fucking attitude they say the n-word they call people fags i mean it's crazy it's pretty shocking it's shocking and they're kids you watch that it's a good movie walter math that was incredible and it's also great because they now if they remade it which i guess they did i didn't see it but you know they'd make it have to make it a little too buttoned up with a bow. Yeah. It was a shitty guy coaching the team. Yeah. But he did teach them a valuable life. It's a nuanced character.

It's fun when you have characters like that that you're like, that guy is a piece of shit. Yes. That's the point. Now they can't do that. It's like the bad guys are like the guy in Parks and Rec where you're like, he's not even really a bad guy. Right. He's just a little curmudgeonly, but he's not racist yeah well now if you make a racist guy that's the whole

character yeah like jack nicholson as good as it gets we've talked about that i think but you know like this movie i love the ending they lose by a run but of course spoiler alert spoiler they lose by a run but you know at the end they the other team is like you know we still don't think you're any good but you've got you've got more spunk than we thought and the littlest kid in the team goes yeah you can take that trophy and shove it up your ass yeah they're cheering you're like this is great yeah it was fun and it's it's true like the bad the character is likable he's still a piece of shit but you like him it's kind of like uh archie bunker yeah you could never have an archie bunker now but the point is that he's a douche right that's the whole show walter matthew is incredible yeah he's great dude one two taking a pellet one two

three from the 70s it might be my top 10 now i love it i've never seen that it's fucking incredible it's the best it's the best terrorist movie because it's about them taking over new york movie that it's the best it's the best terrorist movie because it's about them taking over new york city subway train and jerry stiller's one of the other guys oh my god jerry stiller and the whole movie is them just being like a train got hijacked by terrorists and they're like here we go they're just annoyed they're not even worried about the people which is realistic oh that's great i gotta see that it's like when somebody dies on this on the train and you're like all right let's let's get it moving huh yeah so good yeah and do you have any wrecks tom i got uh yeah i got some wrecks here let me look at my little phone here i well i have some band wrecks that please part of me is like maybe people will be like i would never do

this but i don't know there's a new there's this band that i i saw i was at a festival in boise where they had a comedy part and a music part and i'd already heard of this band but i watched this band japanese breakfast they put on the best show i've ever fucking seen in my life like i go to japanese breakfast they are fucking we talked about japanese breakfast on one of these episodes they're in salicu you get a fish for breakfast oh yeah that's right Dude their new album is fucking cool as hell It's just like indie rock shit Can we play one? She's so fucking cool

Yeah I'm like tempted Oh B-Suite is fucking great Yeah this is a great song But it's like You ever just watch somebody who's a performer on stage And you're like god damn It's just, she's just a, you ever just watch somebody who's a performer on stage and you're like, God damn. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. It's so good. I love the look of this video, too. She's so cool, man. She's been doing podcasts and shit. She's funny. She's great. Where are they out of?

Do you know? Philly. Oh, all right. All the best bands are out of Philly now. Dr. Dog. Dr. Dog fucking rules. Great band. This band I love, Mannequin Pussy got featured in Mayor of Easttown

Oh yeah They're great I love Mayor of Easttown That's another wreck I like it I love this This is good music You ever heard of sales

Yes It reminds me of sale it's just kind of background nice not too much this is some shit i bike around in new york too and i'm fucking feeling it you know and the video seems funny they seem fun yeah they are fun and uh there's a dude who's like comedy adjacent uh my buddy Adam Shatt, who he's his group is called Landlady. And he did our podcast and he's been touring with them and watching him on stage. We were just talking to him. I was like, hey, what's going on, man? I'm drinking a beer.

We're having a nice time. And then he goes on stage and is fucking incredible. And I was like, oh, my God. This must be how like,'s you know we all do comedy and like people we're just hanging out with people and then you know you go up and do well and you're like yeah whatever that's a normal night for me yes but i was like oh my god like i couldn't believe how good he was it was crazy what's this called this is uh japanese breakfast oh landlady is the guy yeah he's he's great man adam adam is awesome all right let's check out landlady is the guy. Yeah, he's great, man. Adam is awesome. All right, let's check out Landlady.

I need some new tunes. Has he got Dr. Dog vibes? Oh, yeah. Driving in California makes me forget everything that's wrong in the places that are not part of California Oh, before I forget also, Biscoffs. Nah, get out of here with your Biscoffs. Listening to you guys talk about Biscoffs, I'm always like yelling at my fucking phone. I hate them.

I love Biscoffs in a coffee. That's dipping it in a coffee. It's special. It's too hard. It's too messy. It's all crumbs. The package. You're scrubbing your dick?

It's brutal. Hate a Biscoff. All right, landlady. There you go. Good bits. Get into them. Good recs. Do you have a rec, Mark? Do I?

I don't know if I do, actually. I might have another if you don't. Yeah, please. I'm not good with Rex. Can I have a little dip of whiskey in there? Yeah, there you go. If this is going to be my day, this is going to be my day. Might as well. Oh, there's an angel in me? Oh, I got a good Rex. Hit me.

This one, everyone should get on this shit. Everything bagel seasoning. Oh, I use that. Yeah? I have it. The shaky. Dude, it's a game changer. It's great.

I'll make tuna salad and I'll fucking throw some on the bottom with some avocado before I throw the tuna salad in there. It's like, make a little avocado toast. You throw a little everything seasoning on. You throw a little red pepper flakes on there it's fucking fantastic you can put on anything my lady bought that and then I put it on literally everything is that a Trader Joe's

buy? you can get it anywhere my taste buds are shot I just blew them out as a kid with like Tabasco and salt and seasoning so I need always need a kick I don't taste anything yeah me too well i do uh i do the um melinda's honey mustard habanero sauce that is i have to put that on everything

my shit has to be habanero or i don't feel anything that sounds my lady gets mad at me because she's like i cook all this food you just douse it in hot sauce. I'm like, that's the only way that I can feel anything. Hot sauce is good. It's so good. It's so good. Some sriracha on anything. Is that your go-to, sriracha? That's still – it depends on what I'm eating.

But if it's like a – Sriracha is amazing. If I'm going with like a Thai food or something, I'm going sriracha. If I'm going like – You ordered the Thai. They have that special chili hot sauce. Oh, I love that shit. Oh, yeah.

That is my – It's not srir oh yeah that's like a tie it's not sriracha that's like a chili paste I know they do a version of it by sriracha but it's not sriracha yeah cause I like that for extra that shit cause it's like oh my god it's so good oh dude it's it's that's what made me love chipotle is they had a special like their tomato

their red tomato is so it was the first thing I tasted that I was like I will just buy this by the bottle. Yeah. To me. And they don't. The spicy one. Yeah.

Yeah. So good. So good. I know. I don't love Sriracha as much as the next guy. I grew up with all these hot sauces and Sriracha has its own flavor too much. I don't know. I like a Frank's or a Louisiana or a Crystal.

I like Frank's. Frank's is fine. The Crystal and Tabasco thin sauces don't do it for me as much i like the vinegar you put it in grits or something you're like now i see where this is supposed to live you know frank's can be very good it's not like my go to yeah but uh yeah i like the specialty one of a good mainstream chalula is great yeah it's not bad for like an egg sandwich or something i love it chalula i eat all these bullshit like if i see a hot sauce in the store that i've never seen before that looks like it'll fuck you up like fuck your life up that's what i'm doing yeah yeah yeah they have the ones that they have at mexican restaurants fuck me i can never remember what it is but there's like a very specific one they have it like every mexican restaurant oh uh pepito or

some not that that's that sounds close though but it's like a squeezy they have at like every mexican restaurant oh uh pepito or some not that that's close that sounds close though but it's one in a squeezy that's pretty good but i don't know the name this one's just to be more squeezy they should be more squeezy no not valentino's but i like that too there's one in the glass thing the glass is what yeah how do you feel like mango habanero i accidentally bought that it's stayed on my shelf for fucking months i i'm not into the mango. Too much fruity. Get the mango out of my- Pineapple.

Yeah. I don't like mixing those things with spice. Same. I want it to just be- I want the heat right on me. I love heat. I do the challenges and shit. Oh, really?

Yeah, sometimes. I might do that Buffalo Wild Wings challenge. You ever do a little vindaloo from an Indian place? Oh, I love it. Yes. That's a spicy shit, dude. I love vindaloo from an indian place oh i love it yes that's a spicy shit dude dude all right so it's perfect i'm on stage going on stage i'm with gary veder in san francisco i'm like hey gary uh you know gary i usually just give my credit card like order us a bunch of really good food and it's usually and i'm usually like hey let's go light because we got another another show yeah yeah and gary's like sushi i'm like perfect i got

off stage he goes the sushi places were closed so i called an audible like what do you got he goes indian i'm like fucking hell gary that is an end of the night food you can't do that between shows we did oh you're crazy no self-control so we're just pounding fucking tikka masala and uh you know biryani and all this shit. We're just all stuffing our faces. We're just laying there like fucking. We just got laid out by the Crips. Right. It's the worst breath and the worst farts too with that Indian.

Holy shit. The next morning, we hit Blue Bottle. And I was like, Gary, I'm going to skimmy one cup of coffee. For me, I'm going to go take a fucking massive dose of Ekkies here. Yeah, yeah. An Indian dump. The worst guide. An Indian dump. Yeah. me i'm gonna go take a fucking massive dose ecky's here in the hotel yeah yeah an indian dump the worst guy i sounded racist an indian dump that's what the worst guy the pilgrims did wow this is a this is a fucking thanksgiving episode mark yeah

no indian food is so fucking good so good and i like to get it as spicy as i can i think i'm half indian there's part of me that's like it's like vengeful towards my dad or something i'm like give me the spiciest fucking thing you can i can handle it you know was the dad indian yeah yeah my dad was indian and he walked out yeah that's rare i feel like it's not as rare as you think i'm the one where i meet people And then he tried to come back and he called him an Indian giver. That's right, that's right. Dude, Indian giver is the funniest term there's ever been. It really is.

It's so racist in that like the fucking pilgrims took the land and then they were like, hey, what about our land? And like, you fucking Indian giver. You said we could have this. No, that's not what I meant. You're an Indian giver. this yeah you switched it on him that's pretty good pretty good move there whitey well played it's like when you really raise his term it's like when you're ball busted you're ball busted with a friend and he's like hey you piece of shit you You're like, hey, you fat weirdo. Hey, man, what the fuck? You're like, fuck it, man. You're doing it.

Now I feel bad? How'd that happen? Yeah, it's a good move. It's like if they called black people, you're a slave, take her away-er. It's like, no, you were the one who did the mean thing to us. Right, right. Fucking Indians always asking for more. You got the casinos. Iinos the same type of indian

oh we know that that is that is that is i was thinking do you have any bits you want to work out so i was thinking about this uh i don't know if there's anything here but i think it's kind of funny which is that i uh i talk i talk a lot of shit because i you know i I get into the old cups or whatever Sure Just a few But I talk a lot of shit especially when I'm drunk But I have no Means to back it up

I don't think I can fight or anything like that But I was in a bar in Indiana And this big dude kept stomping On my shoes I like my shoes I don't want them getting stomped on. You got good shoes on. I like those a lot.

I like cool sneakers sometimes. But I just don't want them getting stomped on. And I was like, hey, man, don't fucking step on my shoes anymore, man. And he's kind of like, what are you going to do about it? And I have to be like, well, I'm going to make you kick my ass. That's what's going to happen. Don't make me make you kick my ass because it's gonna be a bad night for you you know have a fat lip but you're gonna have a guilty conscience

i'm gonna get blood on your nice shirt how much cardio have you been doing right i'm gonna i'm gonna last as long as i can i hate myself i can take a beating it's gonna be a big workout you're gonna break a sweat i'm gonna i'm gonna last as long as i can i hate myself i can take a beating it's gonna take a lot of swings yeah your knuckles gonna be bloody that's it yeah your hand is gonna hurt a little bit it's like such an empty threat but it's like because i talk that type of shit like i i rolled up i bike a lot that's a great joke yeah it's like i said something i tried it a lot that's a great joke yeah is that something i tried it once but it's like and it like kind of worked but you know i get scared i don't know

i just like the idea of me being like well i talk a lot of shit i'm like how many people people will be like well you're an asshole then but no well you're not an asshole because the guy's stepping on your shoes and you're calling him out so you're not really he's a bully and you're a fucking blabbermouth yeah it's perfect you defended yourself he's the unlikable one still yeah all right okay cool that's i mean he's stepping on your shoes and going what are you gonna do about it you have a right to be like fuck you yeah yeah was he doing it purposely like it felt like he was trying because it was a crowded bar it felt like he was trying to make a point you know he's like get the fuck out of my way.

Domination. And I was like, I've been standing here for a minute. What are you going to do about it? I'm going to talk about it on a podcast and put it in solid joke form. Yeah. I'm going to wear a pilgrim outfit, get drunk, and bring you up. I'm going to dress in the most comically stupid outfit I can find. And I'm going to vent about it to my friends. Yeah.

Good bit. good bit. Alright, what do you got one? I got fucking nothing, dude. I got shit too. Let me see if I can find anything. I'm fucking, my jokes are either, I have one that's pretty much working. Tell me what you think of this. I have a joke about you think anyone on one of those 9-11 flights was wearing noise cancelling headphones

and they were the last to know? Oh, that's great. Because to me that's a great advertisement for bows, that's great. Because to me, that's a great advertisement for Bose. They're like, how can you never forget if you never really knew? Right? That's my idea. That's a great ad. There's something there.

I like that. Yeah. All right. All right. He didn't know until he hit the ground. That's funny. I like the idea of a trauma, like noise-canceling headphones commercial. It could be like a parent's, like a guy beating his wife and the kid has noise canceling headphones like yeah don't make your kid go to therapy

it's pretty it's kind of those i'll tell you bows works oh yeah it's weird yeah like the other ones don't work no you do like beats by dr dre and you're like which is what they should call the trauma ad let's go all. This is coming together. Now we got a bit here. No, that's good. What do you got going on? All right. Is this anything?

I saw a blind guy holding his dog with the leash, the seeing eye dog. And the dog was kind of like leading him into Second Avenue. And I was kind of watching this guy. And I was freaking out. So I kind of grabbed the guy. And I was like, hey, man, watch out. You're going towards traffic. And he was like like get off me i don't need your charity and then i realized like can a blind guy really afford to be a dick you know like i could just

pick up a stick and throw it into the highway and the dog would go for it you know like i don't know if you can yeah i could put a kick me sign on you or whatever and then uh you know the whole joke is like it's a pretty good way to get out of picking up your dog shit you know if you're a blind guy you got the seeing eye dog and the seeing eye dog shitting who's picking that up and then you could do like uh like next time i walk my dog i'm not gonna bring a plastic bag i'm bringing glasses and a stick oh that's great that's like a curb ep that feels like maybe that's great and then the big punch they're like you didn't pick up your dog poop. I'm blind.

All right. Exactly, yeah. But who is picking that shit up? That's a good point. It's a good point. I don't know who's picking it up. And yeah, if the guy yells at you, you can be like, I've never seen a sunset. And the guy's like, all right, all right.

Well, that's kind of sucked too. Like how- Even if you are like the most, you know, responsible blind guy, what, are you just going to feel around? Right, right. It's horrible. No, it's impossible. The dog would have to kind of do it. That should, you need another dog. Yeah.

It feels small. It must be from another dog here. I don't think this is... Yeah, who's picking that up? Because the dog ain't doing it. No. Well, sometimes you hit a dog for trying to eat its own poop. This time you're kind of like, have at it. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. But this guy was all over the place and trying to eat its own poop this time you're kind of like have at it yeah yeah that's true yeah yeah

but this guy was all over the place and uh he was a dick so that is funny though the like yeah you can't be you we're all doing you a favor man we're all kind of being like yeah poke me with your stick that's fine you let it go you can't you can't but you can't like use that and be like ah like you're a fucking bitch or whatever you can't be a dick it's like we're helping a little yeah and like do you know how easy it would be to kick your ass not saying i'm gonna do it but i could just mark the guy from your joke now yeah i know that's just i can bob and weave and really uh do some damage here the black guy's like i'm to make you kick my ass. Like, all right, shit.

So we've got to go on stage together. Yeah. All he hears is, I'm choking out the dog. Shit, man. This is a killer app. Good app, Tommy. Hey. Plunson Road Days.

Thanks for having me, y'all. I will be at the Blue Room in Missouri, which I feel like is the club that comes up the most on this podcast. Wow. I was just there. Yeah, I'll be there. It's Thanksgiving weekend, so Friday, Saturday, hey, your family, come

hang there. I'm bringing my buddy Dwight Simmons. It'll be a good time. I'll be doing all the helium side rooms so I can make 500 bucks. The indie one is actually a good room. Really? Yeah, it's actually a good layout. Tom is a great comic.

Good comic. Go see him. I mean, really, he's been posting a lot of shit on social media. Follow Tom on social media. Tom Takar. T-H-A-K-K-A-R. Great comic. Really prolific and writing great stuff.

So make sure you follow him. He really is a strong, strong, strong comic. Yeah. Good jokes. Check it the fuck out. Good comic. Been doing it for a while, huh? Yeah, 25 years.

There you go. You see? I've been doing it for about 12. He's doping for Newhart. He's been around. No, I appreciate you guys having me. I like love this podcast so i really appreciate you man we knew you'd be a perfect second guest we've only had one other guest i know i was like

looking through and i was like did roy do it and i was like it's just rachel right yeah he's a great episode you haven't heard it's so good i love rachel rachel's so fucking rachel's gotta be a regular on this because she's she killed so hard on that episode. Check out her podcast with Jessica Kearson. Two of my favorites. I'll be all over too. You can check me out in Charlotte Comedy Zone, Charlotte, North Carolina, December 2nd through 4th. I'll be the following weekend at Miami Improv.

And the weekend after that, the Addison Improv in Dallas. And I got Magoobies in Timonium, Maryland coming up in January. Richmond, Virginia. Sacramento. A lot of stuff coming up. Sam Morrell dot com slash shows. And Norman, where are you going to be, man? Baby, I'll be at the Buckhead Theater in Atlanta.

Also in Charlotte Comedy Zone. I'm at Milwaukee Improv. New Orleans, I think this weekend. I don't know when this comes out. And let's see. What else? I got some fun ones. Vancouver's over.

Oh, Royal Oak, Michigan. Comedy Castle. The classic. Kansas City Improv. The classic castle. Mark Ridley's son, by the way, Ryan Ridley, who has written the best episodes of Rick and Morty. Wow.

What? Yes. Holy shit. So, shout out to ryan ridley incredible mark ridley who i love mark ridley i've worked this club for years his son is ryan ridley who is a great writer yeah wow that is cool man i'm gonna really uh talk his ear off have you how deeper into rick and morty are you the people want to know uh let's see i'm probably about a season in and do you like it i I do I do I like it

gotta keep going man people on the road ask me that all the time how's freaking morning cause you are you have a little bit of Rick in you you're always belching you're always I get that a lot yeah so I'm into it great show good writing funny show do you watch it I have seen a couple episodes I enjoy

it I just haven't gotten in it's a great show great show i'm i'm watching so many shows right now that it's tough it's tough any rex any show i mean i've i just i watched all of squid game in one day which i don't recommend doing that i dreamt a whole new season like i i had terrible nightmares people were like it's not scary and i was like what are you fucking talking about? The first episode is one of the most horrific things I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, it's wild.

But it's incredible. Season two is Tom in an airplane. Who wants to pee? No, that, I mean, Mayor of Easttown is one of the best shows I saw. She's incredible. And the other lady who's in it, whose son is like that. Oh, yeah. Spoiler. I don't want to spoil anything. I don't want to spoil anything. But who's in it whose son is like the- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Spoiler.

I don't want to spoil anything. I don't want to spoil anything. But whose- Fantastic. Fantastic way of saying it. Family is a big part of the show. I love- You know what I love on HBO, too?

I love The Undoing. I've never seen The Undoing. Oh, I'm not going to watch that. I thought that was great. The lady loved it. She's with you. Nicole Kidman, Hugh Grant's great. Yeah.

Donald Sutherland. And it'd be out saying the son thing. I feel bad if- I hope that doesn't spoil anything for anybody. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, you're fine. You're fine. Fight the power. I hope that doesn't spoil anything for him. Yeah, whatever. I feel guilty. Fight the power. Yeah.

It's been a while. Yeah, that's true. I mean, Succession is the best show. It's the best show. It's the best show there is. It's crazy. Not the last night's episode was good, but the one before that was unreal. It was incredible, dude.

Incredible. I was arguing with my buddies about this. We had Brian Cox. The scenes with fucking Cox and also Tom is so funny. Tom and Greg with the scene with Greg. I pissed off Mehran because I told him he looked a little bit like Tom. I don't know if you guys see it. Tom's a handsome guy.

That's what I was like. I was like, he's like, he's, I think he's a good guy. Also, I think Tom is hilarious. So funny. Tom and Greg are so funny. Those episodes between Kendall and. Kendall and Logan. Adrian Brody.

Oh, that scene where the whole scene. Oh, my God. Well, the fact that the only time he tells his son that he's got a future and that he loves him isn't a business deal. He's through this thing where they're seething. Right. And then maybe one of the best moments of the entire show is when he goes to take that call and they're just sitting at the table together. And you feel all of it and it's silent. And he loves his dad but his dad

won't give him anything and it's brutal and he's just trying to survive. I love Brian Cox so much I can't wait to read his book because it's literally just taking shots at celebrities. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh my god. Did I not tell you these quotes? I mean the quotes in the book book I gotta pull them up real quick

I mean they're like Can you pull up some of these quotes man I'm fucking lazy Well let me do these ads while you do that Oh yeah Hey we might be drunk and excited to welcome our new sponsor Bowling Branch They sent me some sheets

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Get on it, folks. That really seems to care, right? We got one more ad. Oh ad oh okay and thank you for coming in tommy thanks for having me man i gotta piss so bad i'm gonna go go better help is therapy for the 21st century better help is professional therapy all online what's standing in the way of you achieving your goals figure it out with better help help. We love therapy. He got me into therapy. It changed my life. You got to do it,

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to talk to. It's easy to schedule, affordable, and won't take a load off your shoulders. Over 1 million people have taken the charge on mental health join them better help is a special offer for our listeners visit betterhelp.com slash drunk for 10 off your first month wow that's better help h-e-l-p.com slash drunk for 10 off your first month betterhelp.com slash drunk sign up for better help to start living a happier life. Get on it, folks! So this is from Brian Cox, but we'll wrap up soon. But he goes, he writes this about Johnny Depp.

Personable, though I'm sure he is, is so overblown, so overrated. I mean, Edward Scissorhands, let's face it, if you come on with hands like that and pale, scarred face, makeup, you don't have to do anything. And he didn't. And subsequently, he's done even less. Cox has not worked with Depp and turned down a role in Pirates of the Caribbean. Whoa. What's his beef with Depp? He's just a snob.

He's like an old school actor. But do you think like this is- Amber Heard loved that. Oh, he wrote this about Ed Norton, who I love Ed Norton. He's one of my favorites ever. But I hear he's a dick. He writes this. He plays his father in 25th Hour. Oh, that's right.

He's a nice lad, but a bit of a pain in the ass because he fancies himself as a writer-director. This is all from his upcoming book. Jesus. I can't wait to read this. This is heavy. Oh, my God. This is what he writes about Steven Seagal. As ludicrous in real life as he appears on screen.

David Bowie, not a particularly good actor. I agree with that. He wrote about Quentin Tarantino. He walked out of Pulp Fiction but would work with the director of Ass. He walked out of Pulp Fiction. So this makes him seem like an

asshole now. But I will say this, I fucking love Brian Cox. I don't care. He's incredible in that show. He's incredible in every movie he's in, though. This season, there's a few moments of him going, fuck off! Where I was like, alright, it's becoming a cartoon. When he tells the FBI to fuck off,

we're like, okay. Tell them to fuck off! Tell them to fuck off! The show's incredible. I saw Kieran Culkin on the street the other day. I think he lives near me. Someone on the street pushing a day. I think he lives near me. Whoa. That's right. Someone on the street pushing a baby carriage. Who would have thought after Home Alone, we'd all be like, Kieran Culkin is cool as hell now.

Yeah. He was the little kid. He was fuller. He wet the bed. Yeah. Yeah. He wet the bed. Yeah.

So good. Terrific on the show. Yeah. Great show. Great show. We appreciate you guys listening. We love you. See us all on the road. Follow Tom. Yeah. Keep listening. Have a. We appreciate you guys listening. We love you. See us all on the road.

Follow Tom. Keep listening. Have a great and happy Thanksgiving. We're grateful for you. Make sure to subscribe to the Patreon, patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod.

You get bonus content. Leave us a nice review. Beer Jew, we're thankful for your amazing holiday cocktails. Yes. Matt Peters, we're thankful for

Gotham Studios. The machine. Salacuse, you're not here, but we love you too. Sally. It's a happy, happy holiday and we hope thankful for Gotham Studios. The Machine. Sal Acuse, you're not here, but we love you too. Sally. It's a happy, happy holiday, and we hope you have a great one.