We Might Be Drunk - Ep 53: Cocoa and Basil Hayden

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

This episode is sponsored by Honey and Boll and Branch. Mark Normand and Sam Morril can be seen on the road at a club near you. Visit MarkNormandComedy.com and SamMorril.com for more details! Join the Patreon for bonus episodes weekly and more bonus content: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPodW Send us emails [e-mail] Send us mail: Gotham Podcast Studio 39 West 38th Street, 10th Fl New York, NY 10018

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah. Holy hell, here we are, it's the holiday season in New York There's a nip in the air Thanksgiving's over Christmas is on the way And Hanukkah So we're really doing it

Good to see you Just like the country You just slid Hanukkah right in there Thought we wouldn't notice No, I'll tell you This is my favorite stretch, man Yes In New York, it's like

It's getting a little cold But this is when we're still happy to see the cold Right It's not March when we're fucking You're fucking a beaten housewife in the 50s where we're like, please, stop. Right, yeah. It's like when my dad comes home. You're like, Dad. Then 20 minutes in, he's like, God fucking, you piece of shit.

You failed out of school. Your mom hates you. And you're like, Jesus. So yeah, that's where we're at. No, it's still nice. I mean, we're doing hot cocoa today. This is perfect. Wholesome.

With a splash? Well, it wouldn't be we might be drunk without a little bit of grandpa's old cough medicine. What kind are we using? We're going with a nice Kentucky bourbon. All right. Well, I just ruined the tablecloth. Tell me when. Whoa.

All right. I feel like Cosby. We're putting our viewers to sleep. What kind of bourbon was that again? Key West or High West? Basil Hayden. What is it? Basil Hayden.

This is good stuff. Basil Hayden. This is good stuff. Basil Hayden. This is good stuff. All right. I think Pete Davidson fucked her. Basil Hayden. I think that's Bieber's wife, Hayden. Oh, that's really good with the bourbon.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah. The sweet with just that kick at the end. I love it. It's almost like a peppermint patty a little bit. Yes. Remember those? Were you ever like a Junior Mints peppermint patty a little bit. Yes. Remember those?

Were you ever like a Junior Mints peppermint patty type of guy? Me neither. To me, it was like an adult. Yes. Get out of here. It's like people who like mint chocolate chip ice cream. You're just like, eh. That had a run in the 90s for a while, and I hated it.

I kept my head down. It's like eating toothpaste with chocolate. It was like cargo shorts. You're like, this is in for a minute. It's not going to last. Exactly. Yes. It's the last exactly yes it's the hoverboard it's a spinja it's all avril lavigne so all right skater boy i'll see you later boy

it was uh i was never i like the new like if we're doing like birthday cake ice cream i'll fucking i'll get down a little chocolate chip cookie dough sure is ice cream your go-to dessert yeah i like it the best but i will say when cookie cake came out i shit the bed i mean that blew my mind yeah the fat the flat cookie like with frosting on it says happy birthday sam oh man i love cookie cake cookie cake is good so good remember ice cream cake ice cream cake was pretty big wow that was like when the ipod came out my mom always tried to be healthy with it because So good. Remember ice cream cake? Ice cream cake was pretty big. Wow. That was like when the iPod came out. My mom always tried to be healthy with it because she loved it.

Remember Tasty Delight? That was like a real New York thing. My parents, my dad fucking loved it. That was like his. I'm like, my dad must have been killing hookers or something. Because I mean, his worst vice was like a scoop of Tasty Delight. I'm like, how are you? You don't have like half a salmon. Right, right. I'm like, how are you? You don't have like half a salmon.

Right, right. I'm like, how is this the bad thing you do? That can't be enough. Yeah, he's Matt Lauer on the weekends, but during the day. But you know, those Tasty Delight ice cream cakes, that place was cool though because you could go in and just go sample after. They wouldn't stop you from getting like four samples. That's true.

Is that the one where you do it yourself? No, that's 16 handles. Oh, sorry. What's Tasty Delight? It was like pre-Pinkberry. Yes. Pinkberry had a run. Oh, big run.

Did TCBY go out of business? That was big when I was back. Yeah, they still around? What does that stand for? The country's best yogurt. Oh, I never knew that. It was good. Yeah.

Pinkberry had a run. Pinkberry's like fucking Charlie Sheen. It was up here for a minute and then went right back down. Too many porn stars that got AIDS. By the way, you get AIDS now and it's like a news story and then you're fine. Are you fine, though? I think he's all right. I mean, Magic Johnson's meeting and greeting.

Yeah, but he's so rich. Yeah, maybe you got to be rich. I mean, when he got it, everyone was like, he's dead right. I mean, Magic Johnson's meeting and greeting. Yeah, but he's so rich. Yeah, maybe you got to be rich. I mean, when he got it, everyone was like, he's dead. Oh, yeah. I mean, I remember Carmelone in the NBA was like, I'm not playing with him. I know. Really? Which he was like, yeah, that is not.

Also, Carmelone had sex with a 13-year-old and impregnated her, I think. I'm looking that up because that's slander. Slander. Look it up. I stand behind it. Wow. Will he be in jail, right? I don't know, dude.

Man, that's a slam dunk. 13-year-old, huh? That's a foul. Oh, yep, there it is. It's a little forward. What'd I say, brother? I ain't wrong. Statutory rape, 13-year-old.

Magic Johnson, though, that was like, do you ever see that doc, the 30 for 30 on Magic? No. That's one of the best ones. Really? It's really good. Is that about the AIDS? Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. All right. I lost a lot of money on that AIDS. I bet against him. Yeah, brutal. I thought he had a two-year window. Fan duel.

That's what it is. This is really good. This is great. Might be a go-to. Hot winter. See, I'm down for an art bag or a peaty winter scotch or something. Love peaty. Peaty the umbrew.

But if you're doing like a, man, we did that hot toddy episode. Those are fucking nice, dude. I'm a sucker for all these eggnog. I can do a gallon of eggnog. I mean, you shit bile. But man, I love an eggnog with bourbon. I'm hurting. I did that Chinese food place we went to that night. I order there sometimes. you know bile well man i love an eggnog with bourbon i'm hurting i i did uh that chinese

food place we went to that tonight i order there sometimes it's man that is just diarrhea city oh yeah yeah which i think is a town in wuhan where it all began yeah and you know you know it really uh it's really good that place i got We got the fish and the chili sauce. Holy shit. That's one of the best things I've ever, they bring it in the whole big thing. Yeah. That's an event. As you're eating it, you ever eat something and you're like, this is going to be terrible tomorrow.

You just, that should be, on the outside of the restaurant is like worth a diarrhea is what it should say. Because you know it's coming. It's horrible. Chinese food in the cold is not much better it's when winter time in new york oh so good is that your number one winter food it's probably up there i mean americana is nice too like comfort food lasagna uh rice and gravy and you know shit like that pot roast that's good too but chinese something about it hot and sour soup dumplings forget about

it something spicy chicken shit like that oh man that's like that just you your whole body warms they have mamoons right by the cellar they do a lentil soup oh it's great in the winter that shit comes in a little cup it's like 375 can't beat it do you ever go to woe hop back in the day what's that yeah you know about woohop. Which one was that? It's a dive, hole in the wall place in Chinatown. You gotta go downstairs.

It's open until 5 a.m. so we'd all get drunk after the bar and go to Wohop. It was a big institution in New York. On Mott Street. Mott Street.

Everything was like eight cents. It was so cheap. You lived like a king in Wohop. Cash only? I think so yeah it was under the table i don't think they were on the up and up there they are that's how they served you

yeah whoa hop there's some guy tried to venmo me for he was like he's got him in cash i'll venmo you i'm like what do you think it's my first day here in new york you think i'm gonna get conned this easily uh oh shit i overpaid you can you send me the money back then you find it's one of those scams wait is that a restaurant no that's oh and mamoons because it's cash only oh right those cash only places like it's weird now because you kind of have to mamoons is not a place you plan on going at the beginning of the night it's a place you end up so it's weird that those places are cash only yeah cash is people aren't really caring anymore. No. And we need to come together.

Because you go to some place, it's, hey, we're sweet green, cashless. We're the future, cashless. And then you go there and it's all cash, no card. We got to come together. Yeah. Mm-mm-mm. It's getting hard. I know.

Also, even with the subway now, you do the- The tap. The tap. I kind of like it, man. I love the tap. It's easy. Although, I get declined a lot more with the credit card tap, don't you? Oh, no.

I don't get declined. Really? No. Uh-oh. What's going on with the finances? Come on. It takes a while to read sometimes. Oh, okay.

Okay. Do you ever... Oh, I got to pee for you. I'm on the subway today. Uh-oh. And it's pretty crowded. There's a woman with the bag on the seat. Ah, yeah. During COVID, I don't blame her, though. It's like, I'm saving a woman with the bag on the seat. Ah, yeah.

During COVID, I don't blame her, though. It's like, I'm saving this seat for the Holy Spirit. Like, don't sit next to me. Don't you feel like she was that person before COVID, though? Probably. I don't think she all of a sudden became the, I get a seat from my bag person. The bag seat lady's been around since eternity.

Yeah. She's always been there, and I hate the bag. Sometimes you give her a look, she's like, you know know she makes a big scene out of taking the bag off like she's a fucking mother theresa all of a sudden but here's what you do if you want to be that person you put your butt crack in between the two seats that way it's a little more sneaky that's a sneaky way to do it that's a real new yorker right there i'll tell you what i don't love is you go to every bar and restaurant and everybody's got their coat and scarf and bag on a chair you're like what this coat is having a better life than me it's on a chair i'm standing you're outside banging on the window yeah freezing dude i'll

tell you these bulky winter coats you got to get yourself a thin coat i do i do layers i'm i'm rocking the uniclo layers brother i do layers too i gotta get a long sleeve on under this love it love the layers lovely you ever put on a long sleeve on under this. Love it. Love the layers. Love it. You ever put on a long john and jeans over it? You feel like you're beating the system. Do you think,

do you ever put on a long john? I'm wearing them, right? Fucking hell, dude. I love long johns. And people say it's a little early in the season. Not for me. The only problem with the long john is you go to fool around later

and your dick smells like a stovetop stuffing. I mean, it's just been cooking and marinating in that heat and that shmegma and the jizz and the pubes and the sweat and i keep bread down there anyway so you know oh i got a yeast infection but yeah it's just you're baking bread down there all night you're running from set to set up subway stairs it it's a little ecosystem i walked in i walked in uh you know in my long johns and my Uniqlo heat tech top, and my girlfriend told me I look like an old prospector. That's true, yeah.

You're fanning for gold in the kitchen. So is there a poop shoot on those? No. A poop shoot? No, but there's a fly for your penis, which is more than I can say for those shitty underwear with no flap. You got that right. Yeah, call them out.

Yes, get a flap going. This is America. This is quality. I could do this more often. We just fell ass backwards into this, and it's kicking ass. And this is real milk hot cocoa. None of that fucking, I hate when you get a water hot cocoa. Oh, the packet?

Ugh. Yeah, come on. That's what they were serving to Jews in Nazi Germany. Oh, my God. You got that right. They were like, here's your ration for the day. Hot water with a little powder. Oh.

Yeah, that Swiss myth was a real anti-Semite. Well, you could do the Swiss myth with milk, couldn't you? Yeah, that's true. Swiss or neutral, though. Swiss or neutral. That's true. And another couple of those marshmallows. Ooh, just the little ones.

Marshmallows are good. Yeah, because you get the big ones and they suck up all the cocoa. We talked about the extra thick hot cocoa. I hate it. You can't drink it. Can't drink it. It's a syrup. It's a puree of just chocolate.

You just melt the chocolate. Yeah. It's lazy. It's lazy. You're showing off, but really you're taking away. Right. I'm eating cake frosting over here at this point. Although, I could do cake frosting.

Well. I mean, if you talk about diarrhea. Ooh, it comes out the same way. Might as well shit over a cookie cake and spell something. Oh, I shit in the toilet that says happy birthday. Happy birthday, Nana. Sorry about the corn. What about corn and dessert?

How do you feel about that? Some ice cream places, I think they're getting a little carried away, and you'll get a corn ice cream. I hate it. It's crazy. Get out of here. Yeah, well, they're getting too experimental. Some guy made a cronut 10 years ago, and he got pat on the back. You're not Dominic Anzor, whatever the hell his name was.

You're some dude who fucking got carried away. We don't need, you get lucky every once in a while. We don't need this many avant-garde desserts. Yes, they're classic for a reason. It's like when that cunt puts the raisins in the coleslaw. Like, what are we doing here? Raisins and chicken salad too bugging me. I'm not a fan.

Yeah, you're ruining a good thing. It does look like bugs. I don't like it. Yeah, I'm not big on the, the cronut is, I mean, that type of shit. I never had it. RIP City Bakery, that spot. Remember that? It's closed?

It's closed. It's closed. Well, they had the pretzel croissant, which was like, that was, I mean, there was nothing better. Yeah, that's a good combo. You get a pretzel croissant, it's got the everything seasoning on it. Oh, yeah. Game changer. You know, I used to live in the East Village in that Moishe's Bakery.

And it would get a brick thrown through the window every now and then. It would get spray painted. It's still there. Why would it get a brick? I don't know. I think because it was the only glass. It like old school glass with moistures and i think people just you know you get bored it's a pretty pretty uh sign look up moistures if you can on second avenue and that looks so good oh that's good stuff yeah i've heard of that i don't think i've ever

been there yeah it's an old jewish bakery and it the food was great it looked cool it was tile floor and all that shit, but still there. You know, Second Avenue Deli went away. Second Avenue Deli kind of sucked, though. Ooh, there it is. Wait, is that it? That's it. That's a corner place. I don't know if that's it. Oh, that's not it. You're right. That's not it. Dude, the Second Avenue Deli

kind of sucks. Really? It's so overpriced. You get like a I'll tell you this. Maybe I'm being hard on it, but like Katz's blows it out of the fucking water, doesn't it? Damn. Am I wrong? I thought Katz's was the hacked tourist place. Katz's Delicatessen?

Blows what out of the water? Second Avenue Deli? 100%. Really? There it is. See, all the graffiti, but it just keeps fighting. Second Avenue Deli, to me, you get a soup there, it's like $9 and it sucks. Damn. I think they'll have a good lat, it's like $9 and it sucks.

Damn. I think they'll have a good latke or something, but the sandwiches are okay. It's nothing in comparison to Katz's or Barney Greengrass or those types of places. Yeah, I'll take Katz's over almost any place. Katz's had the Knish. Other than Carnegie Deli, which closed. Carnegie Deli was dope, those pickles. But Katz's has that winter Knish, dude. It's just called a Knish, but in the winter, it's fucking.

Yeah. Even the hot dogs there. What's in a knish? Potato? It's like a fried potato, but it's crazy good. And you put a little mustard on it. It's like fried mashed potato-y. Yeah.

Mm. It's so good. Winter knish sounds like an old guy who lives above you. Ah, you got to keep it down. Old man, winter knish. Sounds like an Orthodox Jewish punk band. Yes. Winter Kanish.

Yeah, yeah. See, all these other places, you know, I don't think they have Jewish bakeries and delis like this. I love them. Yeah, they're classic. Oh, yeah. And they feel like home. Something about, man, I just drink way too much coffee.

Oh, Woody Allen there. That's a shot. Jeez. Carnegie Deli. And who was the first guy to say that a vagina looked like cold cuts? That guy needs a high five. Somebody had to think of it. Woody Allen, he says it looks like a cold cut but when he gets to the very bottom and it's tiny.

Oh. Hasn't the man been too enough? He can't make a movie now. No. He's done. He's doing a YouTube special. That's next. Woody Allen's YouTube movie.

Although his YouTube movie is going to be starring Javier Bardem. You're like, holy shit, man. It's pretty impressive. Right. ScarJo is in it. If he did a comedy album, though, how cool would that be? His early comedy album is incredible. Unbelievable.

Great jokes. They still hold up. They're like evergreen. He wrote for Sid Caesar when he was like 18. Yeah. It was something crazy. He was absolutely a prodigy. Oh, yeah.

His body of work. I mean, it's pretty crazy, but like, man man until you get to the early 90s then it gets kind of rough and i ain't talking about the movies ah do you want to hear a joke we won't get kicked off because it's just audio sure what do you want to joke yeah i think my main conclusion here and that is that i got married that's the biggest thing that happened to me over the last yeah i got married for the second time incidentally i should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her, you know?

But my dog died. That's what happened. I gotta be careful what I say about her publicly, because she's suing me. I don't know if you read that in the paper or not, but I'm getting sued because I made a nasty remark about her. She didn't like it. She lives on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, and she was coming home

late at night, and she was violated. That's how they put it in the New York paper. She was violated. And they asked me to comment on it. And I said, knowing my ex-wife, it probably was not a moving violation. Oh, that's great, because you had to be clean. Yeah. So he got it in there. He also has a joke that every comic does now,

and it's like a standard woody allen joke about you know these machines are taking over my job i don't have a job anymore uh one of them is this little thing it does all the things i can do but better my wife got one and she dumped me or whatever it is but it's like a vibrator joke that a lot of comics kind of do and he did it seven sixty years ago or whatever wow Wow. Yeah, I mean, he was a great, he would have been a legendary stand-up, but he wanted to do other stuff. Yeah.

Yeah, a lot of people get out of comedy. It's sad. You gotta love it. You gotta be a psycho. Yeah, but also maybe this was, you know, for the best for him. I mean, he made great movies, so. True.

I read his book when I started doing comedy. Without Feathers? He wrote a biography. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I did read that one too, but the biography biography i was just trying to learn everything i could about stand up i was so into it and he would puke before every performance and that meant a lot to me i was like this guy this legend was nervous he had horrible stage fright loved that a lot of la actresses do the same trick yeah uh but uh he had some great my wife says I'm so immature. She would come in the tub or come in the bathroom while I was bathing and she would sink my boats.

My uncle's a he's a reformed Jew. I mean, really reformed. He's a Nazi. Wow. That's a great joke. Mike Kaplan used to have a great joke. You know, I'm Jewish. I'm not uber Jewish. I will use German to describe how Jewish I am. That's like a Woody Allen joke. That's like a great- That's great. Yeah. Kaplan's got a couple where you're like, Jesus, that's next level. For sure. Check out Mike Kaplan. He's got about 38 albums. Mike spelled M-Y-Q, not a joke. That's how he spells Mike, M-Y-Q Kaplan. Yeah.

A lot of hilarious jokes. Oh, yeah. Smart guy. Funny guy. You've been on the road? I've been on the road while I was in New Orleans, seeing the family. It was great. Great time.

Went to a Pelicans game. Did you really? Yeah. Who'd they play? A shitty team. Hold on. Well, the Pelicans are a shitty team. I know.

They won. Did Zion play? No. And Ingram didn't play either? He played. Ingram played? He was the highlight. Yeah, he's good.

Who did they play? Hold on. It's going to bother me. It's Washington. The Wizards? Yes. Oh, the Wizards are good this year. Oh, well, they weren't that night.

They were fucking up. And we were drunk in the stands cheering on. They almost threw me out like LeBron. I was like, I hope your kid dies. By the way, did you see that LeBron thing? Yeah, it was crazy. Apparently, they were saying, I hope your kid dies. So he's like, you're out, you're out.

That's what did it. Wow. So everybody's like, LeBron's a bitch. He's a snitch. And I'm like, well, it's a little shitty to yell. That's what they were chanting? I hope your kid dies? It was just to a couple, and they were very specific. They're like, I hope he dies in a car wreck, and they were chanting it was just to a couple and they were very specific

they're like i hope he dies in a car wreck and they were describing the car wreck gee and he's like whatever happened to boo whatever happened to just booing a team exactly crazy that's heavy the knicks let's all give the knicks fans credit like they would troll trey young they would just their chant would be tre Trey is balding. You keep it surface. You keep it, like, your kids die. I mean, those are two just sick people, clearly. Yeah, and then she did the cry leave, which was pretty funny.

But, man, hope your kid dies. And then everybody online trashed it, but I'm like, that's kind of fair. It's a little over the line. Damn, yeah, there was a, you know, Jay Williams. Jason, you remember the guy, he shot a chauffeur? Oh the line. Damn, yeah. There was Jay Williams. Jason, remember the guy who shot his chauffeur? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jason Williams. By the way, Jason Williams used to play for the New Jersey Nets. He was the leading rebounder for a couple years, great rebounder.

His sister got murdered when he was in, I think, high school or college. So there was people chanting at games like, your sister's dead, like that type of shit. Fucking horrible, like disgusting people. And he got drunk one night and was like, took out his shotgun and killed a chauffeur by accident i think he was showing him the gun and flipping it around yeah he shot him yeah and then he covered it up yeah it later became known as a bald one but uh he no he uh he he shot him and uh i remember i met him in a bar in Brooklyn once. I was like hammered. And we chatted for a while. I was like, you're Jason Williams.

Want a shotgun of beer? Well, they were just shooting the shit. But we talked for a while. And he ended up giving me his email. And I lost it. But I was like, I should invite this guy to a show. Holy shit. He's like, hold my gun for a second.

He's like, I'll get for a second. He's like, I'll get my driver. No, no, no, no. Wow. Shot a chauffeur, man. Yeah, crazy. Terrible, terrible story. Wild.

Why isn't there a 30 for 30 on that? That'd be a good one. That guy's life is crazy. He was a great player. I mean, he was like, you know, really just like a, you know,

glue type of guy. He was a bruiser, right? He was like a big, yeah, okay. Like a kind of like, did what Rodman did a little bit, just on a bat team. Not a bruiser right yeah like it like it kind of like did what robman did a little bit just on a bad team yeah damn no finesse but tough yeah shit dead sister chant i mean that's what these roasts have become you know you watch a roast battle now and it's like your dad got cancer and your mom's gay and he got hit by a car and all this you're like we're really up in the ante if i want that i'll just log on to twitter it's crazy it's getting so aggressive where you're like i don't

want to i i like the the roast where you kind of like your friends and you're just silly and you can feel the love with it right exactly that's what it's supposed to be and it's weird to roast someone and have to go let me google you let me ask your friends for a shit like you should molest it in seventh grade all right let's go here we go exactly yeah too dark that's where they're at now yeah because you got to keep because if you don't say about them they'll say it about you so you might as well dina might have the best roast joke of all time i remember that one it was dark as hell you want to tell sally have you heard it no dave kenny who's a funny guy his mother tragically died in a uh in a motorcycle accident on the highway on the highway so she goes she died the way dave lives an unrecognizable road feature but you're

like that it's a great joke you're kind of like you want to subject yourself to that yeah it's like it's a lot yeah man that's good i think it went viral yeah it's a great joke great but you're also like the dude's mom is dead right you know it's like tragically he took it like a champ though he was like oh well done yeah but you know i know that i think that's why comics getting it's funny that we just started by talking about like lebron like that's fucked up that this is funny but this but this actually happened well they signed up for it yeah that's that is true he didn't sign up for that he signed up for a basketball game but yeah there was a line i think with at these games where it's like people like well they're making this much money i'm like

you still don't talk about their kids dying like that's fucking you keep it you suck if you want to go there i know and if i was lebron it'd be like that jerk store moment like i would have to find out who these people are go to their job and be like, oh, this is why your dad is a handicap. You know, just get them back. That would bother me that we don't know who they are. He just has to live with that. That kid dead thing from these two nobodies. Yeah. The Pistons also suck. So those fans are fucking angry. Oh, is that Detroit people? Yeah. Oh, shit. angry oh is that detroit people yeah oh shit yeah that was that was crazy that game the blood i mean that dude just covered in blood isaiah stewart you didn't see that no no pull it up i think his

name is isaiah stewart he's like a tough type of player and uh i mean the pistons are just they're young they'll be good in a few years they got this kid kade cunningham who's gonna be sick but you know all right all right well who won? I think the Lakers won. All right, well, good. And they played again a few days ago, and the Lakers won again. Are we allowed to even play this? No, no. Oh, shit.

We got a brouhaha coming up. This is what you were talking about, isn't it? No, I didn't see this. Mack, can we play this? All right, we got the okay from the producer. Ooh, baby. He's pissed. So LeBron gave him a fist across the face and cut his eye open.

Whoa, we got a melee cooking. So he calms down, right? Wait, this is ridiculous. Man, he's pissed. Wait to see him go after LeBron here. Holy hell. So he calms down. Now he's going to.

All right, I'm going to chill. Oh, that's a hell of a hit. He's bleeding profusely from the right eye. I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cool. bleeding profusely from the right eye. I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cool. Let go.

Let go. Let go. I'm cool. Oh, he ran back out. I love it. Yeah. Yeah. Look at this guy.

He's going to play football. He's blowing through the line there. He's like a tough guy. Holy hell. Is he going after LeBron? Yep. Oh, shit. Detroit does not fuck around.

I'll be there this weekend. Michigan. Michigan. Although we have another episode coming out first. Shit, you're right. It's already over. Thanks, Detroit. That's a classic, that club.

Oh, yeah. Great club. Great town. Royal Oak right on the outskirts. I always go into Detroit, get the Coney Island dog. Do you really? Yeah. You got to see the city.

Damn. You're better than me. Yeah, it's a 15-minute Uber. Yeah. Maybe I'll go with the feature. Yeah. I had a good time. I was there with DeVito. Yeah, I have a good time there, man.

I like the city. Yeah, good city, good club, and it's a boozy. It's like a drinking town. I think it's a college there in Royal Oak. Yeah, it's like a nice city. It's a nice suburb of Detroit. It is. Yeah, it's like a nice city. It's a nice suburb of Detroit. It is. Yeah, Michigan's got a lot of that.

I'll be in Charlotte. You know what? I got to fuck another P for you, dude. Oh, hit me, fatty. A lot of hotels in certain cities, like you go to Charlotte, you go to Columbus, there's certain cities, they don't have any really good hotels, so they jack up the prices on the shitty hotels. So now you're paying like 400 a night for a Marriott. Weird.

And you're like, what the fuck? Might as well pay 450 and get a nice Sheraton or something. Yeah, I mean it's annoying. So certain cities are like that. I don't get it. I didn't know that. So how come you guys don't Airbnb? It's like 200 bucks for a whole house.

I don't know, I got the club to pay for it. I'm not, I'm not, because I usually, I'm taking buyouts now. I got to do this buyout thing. You got to. I mean, because you just, some of these hotels, you're like. I know. You just have a better weekend. You just are like, I'm going to write better.

I'm going to, you know, I'm not saying that we're fancy, but I mean. And sometimes they're far away. Sometimes they're on the highway. Oh, man. The ultimate insult was when you were a young comic and they put you in a total shithole and it was like 35 minutes yeah so you're like so you went out yes crackers in indianapolis it was like a 35 minute drive and it was a dump yeah so i'm like this hotel is gross as shit and it's you're giving me an hour plus round trip for the gig tonight

yep brutal i know the worst just cheap clubs cutting corners yeah hooked up with a waitress of that club you know 10 years ago and uh even her she was driving and she's like where the fuck is this place what are you doing to me i'm like i know i know well drying up comic yeah exactly got halfway there as you change your mind but tough tough sledding because you know you're you're ready to go to the gig and you have to leave an hour early and then you come home and you get home an hour late you know also you're doing morning press while you're there and then also like you trap you a lot of travel on top of this you're like just put me fucking downtown i know so then at some point you're like give me a buyout and i'll book the hotel right now but

all these are to play better places and they stop pulling shit like that. I mean, we were young comics. Where are you at on the morning radio? Did you ever do Bob and Tom? They hated me. Really? They always hated me. You were a set up punch.

I know, and they still hated me. So it was kind of special. I mean, I remember I did it once and I couldn't get a word in. There was that other guy, Chick, who I think is kind of special. I mean, I remember I did it once, and I couldn't get a word in. There was that other guy, Chick, who I think is kind of surly. Yeah. And I think I caught him in one of his moods, and he was just annoyed. Yeah. And I was like, all right, whatever.

I was young, and then the next time I was there. And this was a big gig. Not a big gig, but you could get some ears on that thing. Back in the day. Back in the day. I don't think anymore. But like Birbiglia, Nick Griffin, and Tommy Johnigan, they all had like a following from Bob and Tom. I know.

So it was kind of important. I think podcasts kind of killed it a little. Oh, yeah. But I remember I did the next time, and I told a story. And I'm like, I know it's going to clean, but they set me up for something, and I couldn't think of a clean way to go with it. So I told a story about getting jacked off in a town car. And I could just see them like and then as i'm out he went to break and he was like that could have been a that could have

been a fine for 150 grand in every market or something like that for what you just said and i'm like how many markets he's like 13 i'm like yeah i just cost you two million that's what happened that story cost you like grow up Right right Come on They loved it They loved holding that power Over the young nobody That could have cost us A hundred It was one of the things

I'm like alright dude Man you unloaded In a town car Like Jay Williams I didn't hit the driver Thank god the partition Was up Are there any like

Cities you go to You're like I really wish I could get on this show in the morning? That was one. There was something in Philly that was big. Preston and Steve. Preston and Steve. They're cool, though.

They're cool. They're really cool. It's funny. I just watched it. It's always sunny in Philadelphia, and they're on it. What? The whole thing was like they won a prize to get to shoot a shot at the Flyers game. Yeah.

So they call into them, and then they're there presenting it to them. It uh a shot uh at the flyers game yeah so they call into them and then they're there presenting it to him it's pretty it's nice nice little philly cameo that's great see that's one thing i know it's nostalgia and i'm a boomer and all that shit but like podcasts are great we're doing one right now but there was something special about going to chicago or philly and being like i'm on the fucking main thing in this town like everybody listened to that preon and Steve. I think it still does pretty well. Okay.

It's almost like a Howard Stern in each city. Yeah, no, they're the guys in this city. They're the guys. So it's pretty cool. And then, yeah, there's something about, like, I'm doing an appearance. That's kind of nice. Yes, yes. It'd be nice if every podcast could do that.

Like, now I go to Nashville and I do Theo's pod. I do Nate Bargatze's pod. And then you go to this town. You're like, oh, this guy is living here now. It's kind of nice. Feels like the same shit. Yeah. But they're not that spread out.

I mean, you go to Austin, you can do something. Yeah. But there's not one in, like, Sioux Falls, you know. Although that's where, like, radio probably still helps. Yeah, true. Those places, I don't know. Maybe maybe not i think they still listen to the radio for sure yeah some of those cities you're like well you're like 10 minutes behind or 10 10 years behind i mean yeah so you're like this will be right well you know what the radio is like this is maybe as a stretch of an analogy but like back when you were on tinder and you're kind of like who cares no thanks shut up

get out of here fuck you but if you met that girl at a bar it might be exciting and then you started flirting and it's kind of like finding a song on the radio you know when you're on your itunes you're like ah no thanks no thanks whatever but if you find a song on the radio you're like oh this is kind of special yeah nowadays more people will hear about the girl on the bar than you on one of those morning shows. Yeah, good point. Good point. But, yeah, I know what you mean.

You know, you hear something on the radio that you heard a million times. You're like, oh, shit. It's, where am I at? What is it? Do you believe in love? You would skip that all day on Spotify. I know. But in the car alone at 2 a.m., you know, you're like, woo, this is fun.

Yeah, it's fun. It's kind of like the fat chick. at 2 a.m you know you're like whoa this is fun yeah it's kind of like the fat chick that it's like similar it's similar to like uh channel surfing yes perfect like we it's like i'm like i don't want to watch the office on a streamer but you know anymore i've seen it so many times but then you you catch on comedy center and you're like that's kind of fun i don't know what episode it's like you forget like pandora is like that is kind of the excitement of flipping when you're like, that's kind of fun. I don't know what episode. It's like, you forget like Pandora is like, that is kind of the excitement of flipping. I don't have cable at home anymore.

I just have like every streamer. Flipping. There's something about flipping. Chris Rock claims that the reason his special blew up was because they would play it on Comedy Central at like 2am and people would come home from the bar like, who's this guy? And then we got a new audience. Interesting. If you didn't have HBO. He also was on SNL. I mean, he was on a lot of stuff. True, true. bar like who's this guy and then we've got a new audience interesting if you didn't have hbo he

also was on snl i mean he was on a lot of stuff true true but there were way less avenues you know there was no netflix no uh that's true yeah comedy central was big back big i mean it made gaffigan it was like beyond the pale was like huge all those speaking of comedy central did you watch the south park covet special i did did. Because you told me to. Okay. You mentioned to watch it. It was good. It was funny. I mean, they got 900 mil from Paramount Plus.

I heard. Well, that includes a couple of movies. 10 movies, I think. 10? Well, it's like an hour movie. Does this count as a movie? Yeah, I think so. Oh, okay.

Okay. I see. It's funny. It was good. I thought it was really funny. Yeah. I mean, it's all of them as adults. Oh, that's great.

The best part is that Cartman has become a rabbi. So he's got a Jewish wife and cute kids. And he's being nice to Kyle now. He's like, I've changed. But Kyle's like, you did this to troll me. So he thinks his whole life is to troll Kyle. And you're kind of just waiting for him to reveal that he is that's great it's good it's funny some of the stuff some of the COVID jokes you're like

I've heard this I've heard but like what about uh Jimmy being the host of a late night the woke that by the way that I had a bit about that it's funny can't tell us your bit well they do the whole joke with Jimmy and it's like I'm not saying it's like a super original bit but it's from it was in I got this it's like from a couple years ago and the joke his whole joke with Jimmy and it's like, I'm not saying it's like a super original bit, but it's from, it was in, I got this. It's like from a couple of years ago. And the joke, his whole joke is like every, he's like Jimmy Fallon in the future or Kim or whatever. He's Jimmy.

It's late night with Jimmy. And every joke just has a woke turn. He's like, how about the, how about these Mexicans? And then it would just be like, uh, they're lovely people who,

uh, have a wonderful and, uh, exciting culture. Like that's And hard workers. They're hard workers. That's every term. And then it's just applause.

And there's a pause. Yeah, applause. This is no joke. And my bit, I mean, it's not the same bit exactly, but I had a bit where it was like, I would say, you know, you know the best friend in the 80s. It's a different bit. It's kind of saying the same thing, but it was like, you know, and I'm not accusing them of taking it at all.

I'm not fucking saying that at all. know they're not that's not what they do you want your 90 million don't you i want my 900 900 no but no my bit was uh it was like you know how in every sex comedy you have that sleazy best friend it's a different bit how every uh best friend would be like did you fuck her last night? Oh, you didn't? Lose her? And my bit was like, in the future, they're going to have to make

a woke best friend for these movies. Did you get laid last night? I was like, no, we just talked. And he's like, well, sometimes a conversation is even more fulfilling. So that's pretty cool. That was the bit.

Yeah, so it's that same type of thinking, but it's not, you know. Hey, We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Honey. The holidays are right around the corner, so save yourself the stress and find the best prices with the click of a button. No matter what you're shopping for online,

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Yeah, yeah What I'm trying to say is I deserve that 900 million And No, I love those guys I think they're really the best I really, really love them They really are

They really are geniuses They never changed They got grandfathered in That kind of couldn't get cancelled And they're animated They're animated But the fact that they started in the 90s And it's still the same show

Kind of helps to make them uncancellable. I mean, look, anyone being canceled over jokes is a fucking, it's a joke anyway. Sure, sure, yeah. I think Louie got nominated for a Grammy. For a Grammy? And Chappelle. And Kevin Hart. Oh my gosh.

And Nate Bargatze. Yeah. Fun fact. And Jelaine Maxwell. But it's funny, I do hear people talking about her being like, she's canceled. I'm like, Maxwell. But it's funny. I do hear people talking about her being like she's canceled. I'm like, no, she broke the law. This is not cancel culture.

Some of her friends are like, it's cancel culture. I'm like, she's on trial. There's a difference between. Right. I'd like to hear her material. I hear it's about 15 years old. All right. But yeah.

Does she kind of do it for you? am i not she's attractive she's attractive she's got a sexy and she's worldly and been everywhere and she knows a lot she's dying with sultans and uh you know presidents it's so funny you're not wrong that she's like look she comes from royalty she's come from tragedy as well. I think her father killed himself. Oh, see, she's lived. But it's so funny to describe her as worldly. Yeah, she's worldly, man. She's been all over the globe.

Young Jelaine was hot. Yeah, I've never seen young. I know she is right there. I don't know. See, that's a pretty lady. If that was your friend's mom, you'd be like, hey, hey, you can put me on a massage table. All right. Excuse me. That hot cocoa really bubbles up.

Oh, yeah. Is that her? Is that her? I think it must be her dad. Pretty solid. I was going to say it's the guy from Bar Rescue. It's John Taffer. It looks like him.

Oh, I wonder what he'd say about her bar. Yeah, she really, not a good person. Oh, Jon Taffer, that guy's the best. What a mug on that guy. He's like angry Brad Garrett. You nailed it. He's ABG. Instead of Raymond, he's like, Raymond, you fucking piece of shit.

I'm going to take your liquor license. This is a disgrace. I hear he's a great guy, Brad Garrett. That's what I've heard, too. I'm going to take your liquor license. This is a disgrace. I hear he's a great guy, Brett Garrett. That's what I've heard too. I've heard he's an awesome dude. Owns a comedy club in Vegas. Sweet guy.

Michael, our buddy Michael Somerville works there a lot. Loves him, yeah. Brett Garrett looks like smart Michael Cohen. Yeah, he does. He does look,

he looks like intellectual Michael Cohen there. With the scarf. I can't get them all at the same time. Yeah, Michael, Michael Cohen, that guy Yeah, Michael Cohn, that guy keeps,

it's funny, I see him in like a ranger's hat and it's funny when you see a guy like Michael Cohn rocking a ranger's hat, you feel like the rangers

are like, can you not? Wait, what did he do? Oh, he was Trump's lawyer. Oh, okay.

But he was like, shady, he did a lot of shady, and then it's like, oh, he did a lot of shady shit for Trump and now he's like

the guy turning on Trump. It's like, he definitely has the vibe of like, this my movie and i'm this is the last act where i've learned my lesson right and i've done the right thing for my daughter be like yeah but you're still kind of a scumbag though you know yeah totally he i think he was part of intimidating like stormy daniels and oh a lot of shady shit did you you watch porn with her, by the way? I've never seen it. What? I feel like you had to.

It was for the good of the country. Just to stay informed? Yes, yes, exactly. I mean, also, it's fun seeing a lady in the news, and you're like, I get to see her do anal. That is interesting. It's kind of fun. How often does that happen? Not a big CNN doggy-style crossover.

Exactly. Unless they start filming Anderson Cooper. Am I right? Hey, I'd watch that. He's a Vanderbilt. I mean, look at that. This is quite a voluptuous lady here. Full figure gal.

Yeah. So she, I mean, she was playing comedy clubs for a while. I know. That really brought us down a peg. I just hate when these guys like fall into comedy as some kind of last ditch effort it is annoying it's like i get that you want to cash in but does this have to be the same place that we're working we worked a really we worked a really long time to get to get good at this so there is something that's a bummer about it and i don't even knock her because you know she's like

i'll make 20 grand to do a night or to do an hour or whatever whatever but like it's the people go see i'm like who is going to see stormy daniels do people yeah well it's people that think it's a funny idea and then they get there and probably five minutes and they're like what did we just waste our money on i think so because these are hard-working people i think the president's thinking the same thing like 165 grand for a rebater that was for you to not talk I got a receipt you know Trump is kind of like that was I did pay you yeah he didn't get the money back

I'm sure did he I wonder if he did a NDA I think that's what it was yeah yeah so he could sue yeah interesting it's funny to remember we had a president who was like Oh. Yeah, yeah. It's a payout. Well, she talked. So he could sue? Yeah. Interesting.

It's funny. Remember, we had a president who was like, ah, I fucked this porn star. It was a big mistake. What was I thinking? She was a trashy whore anyway. And you're like, wow, president. Yeah. And he got away with it.

Yeah. Well, he's off Twitter. Yeah, he's off Facebook, too. So Jack Dorsey stepped down. I heard. I saw it. Yeah. I think this might be the shift for President Trump to come back on Twitter. Well, we'll see.

We'll see. I mean, I'm sure he said he's going to stay a board member for a period, and I'm sure he's going to have him. But these people that step down, it's usually like, I don't want to deal with this. I'm sick of being the poster boy. Part of the fun of being a billionaire is being a billionaire. So you're kind of like, is this fun? Yeah.

Always being in trouble. You look at Zuckerberg and you're like, Senate hearing. You have to talk before Congress or some shit. Is that fun? Well, I'm ignorant. Does Twitter make a dime? Yes. Can it make any?

How? Ads? I don't see ads on my Twitter. There are ads. There's a lot of promoted stuff. Yeah, are you kidding me? Would you ever see a thing where it just says promoted? Ah.

Also, they sell your information. Yeah. Ah. No, all these apps make money. I take it all back. All right. They don't make money. Ignorant.

No, he's worth a ton of money. And they're stocked or something. Look up his net worth. I'm sure it's. Okay, he's worth a ton of money. And there's Jack Dorsey. Look up his net worth. I'm sure it's... Okay, now we're getting somewhere. It's got to be a hellish job. He's also one of the only billionaires with a nose ring. Ooh.

Not a lot of them. He's only worth $11.8 billion. Wow, and he can't afford a razor. Jesus. He's a handsome guy, though. He's one of my favorite members of ZZ Top, for sure. He was great in 300. Holy hell.

Did you guys watch the last episode of Succession? I did, yeah. It was kind of Duck Dynasty-ish. I don't want to spoil it, but it was a really good episode. Great episode. The birthday? Yeah, the birthday one. That's a good show.

So good. Kendall is so cringy. Roman was confident, which is fun to watch i think tom is my favorite character tom's great that guy's an incredible actor yeah i gotta dick like a sequoia and i fuck like a bullet train sorry i mean brian cox i mean they're all great the whole show is great but goddamn so good i love that well i don't want to spoil it i was gonna say something too too revealing of the plot succession fucking rules only two episodes left

yeah damn Curb's been fun too Curb I gotta I haven't I've been saving I need something to save to just go through

so I've not watched Curb yet this season's been great it's like a return to the old style good oh yeah it's fun he's the best I gotta wreck

hit me cause uh this is a little old you might have to do some googling here but I took a flight to Hit me. Because this is a little old. You might have to do some Googling here. But I took a flight to New Orleans. I had the TV.

I didn't download any podcasts, so I had to stick with the movies. Love it. I go, what is this movie with Hugh Jackman? I'll give it a shot. Here we go. Blah, blah, blue. It's a three-hour flight. It's a two-and-a-half-hour movie. Prisoners!

I hear it's Dennis Villanueva directing it, right? Yes! Unbelievable! I was in tears in the aisleers! I hear it's Dennis Villanueva, director, right? Yes! Unbelievable! I was in tears in the aisle seat. I hear it's great. Unbelievable. It's a little long, but I mean, it twists, it turns. You think it's this guy, it turns to be that guy.

Paul Dano. Paul Dano's amazing. Who's going to be the Riddler? What? Paul Dano's going to be the Riddler. Oh, there you go. That works. Yeah.

That's a good choice. We're doing another Batman, huh? I didn't even know that. It's crazy. Is it Bale? No, it's Robert Pattinson. Ah. Jeez, I never heard of him.

But you love this movie. Unbelievable. I showed it to the lady. She was like, this is one of the best movies I've ever seen. It's well shot. Wait, you watched it again? I made her watch it. I didn't watch it with her, not all the way.

But I was like, you got to see this. Because this is true crime-y, suspense-y. It's right up her anal. it was it delivered twice yeah it's uh jackman's great yeah jake gyllenhaal has a crazy filmography for his age like he's in so many good movies yeah oh yeah it's kind of crazy when you look at it you're like man his batting average is like he's like wade boggs he's just fucking on base every time zodiac uh i just watched a movie with him that veder made me watch it was about you know the one where they're on a train oh no i forgot the name of it uh it was good it was like a thriller it's with uh

really a really good actress michelle monaghan is in it. Get off my train. Wrong movie. Brokeback. Oh, yeah. Nightcrawler was good. Donnie Darko was good. Baden-Avatar is crazy high. I never thought about it. Boy in the Bubble took him down a notch.

Oh, yeah. But that was early on. October Sky, I didn't see that. Wait, what else? Can you make it bigger? What are you saying? Can you make it you make it bigger oh i'm sorry he's in a lot of movies inside amy schumer oh that's a great sketch really oh yeah they're like on a blind date it's funny and they have ferrets it's funny as shit ferrets it's really funny southpaw oh yeah he was a boxer in southpaw that's good enemy you loved end You loved End of Watch. I didn't see that. End of Watch is great.

You loved that movie. Great cop movie. Yeah. Okay. He's in a lot of shit I've never heard of. Jarhead. Jarhead. It's okay.

Sam Mendes. He's a great director. Yeah. Although, if you rewatch American Beauty, it doesn't really hold up. I've heard that. It's a little cartoony. Annette Bening was so hot in that movie. Oh, did she get plowed, huh?

By Peter Gallagher. Yeah, dude. I got a good movie rec for you. All right, hit me. And look, I've gotten tweets from you guys being like, how the hell was Sam not on the Criterion channel? I don't know. I don't know how it's eluded me.

I really don't know, but I've watched some great ones. My rec is fucking just the director billy wilder any billy wilder movie you will be happy i mean double indemnity is like my favorite noir ever probably but i'm i've obviously seen that watched two in the last week that i'd never seen what the original sabrina with humphrey bogart it's a it's a rom-com. It's fucking great dialogue. It's really fun, dude. He did Sunset Boulevard. He did.

He's a fucking master. And some like it hot, which is also a great comedy. Oh, The Apartment. I mean, this guy's, who's more consistent than Billy Wilder? It's crazy. Is he American?

I think he is, but I think he spent time in Germany, at least, at the very least. He worked for a newspaper, which leads to the record that I watched, Ace in the Hole. Ace in the Hole. Kirk Douglas. The movie is basically about a guy who's a sleazy journalist. It's so timely, dude.

Yeah, right? He's a sleazy journalist who basically opens by being like, I've been fired from this place. I've been fired from this place. And you're like, great dialogue out of the gate. One of them is like, do you drink a lot? place. I've been fired from this place. And you're like, you know, great dialogue out of the gate. One of them's like, do you drink a lot? He goes, no, but I drink frequently. Like just great dialogue. Oh, nice.

And basically he passes this guy who's stuck in a cave and they can't get him out. And he kind of orchestrates a way that the guy will stay stuck in the cave to turn it into a story. And he gets the rights to tell the whole story because he knows, and there's great dialogue in it where there's like shit like um you know he's with a younger guy who's kind of his protege and he's like what about like if it was more people in the

cave and he goes don't you understand human interest it's one person that people care about because they want to get to know that person and he's explaining why this is such a juicy story interesting and he turns it into a whole phenomenon and it's just the ugliness of the story. Yes. It's incredible. Highest recommendations. What's the name again, please?

Ace in the Hole. Ace in the Hole. And it's a Billy Wilder, but you can't go wrong with any of these Billy Wilders, man. I mean, you said it. Sunset Boulevard. Yeah. Come on.

Something Like It Hot was a phenomenon. Yeah, he's a master. Yeah. All right, I'm It Hot was a phenomenon. Yeah, he's a master. Yeah. All right, I'm in. I love it. Billy Wilder, good call. Real cinema. Real director here.

Born in Austria-Hungary. Right, okay. Yeah, so he came over. I think he was a journalist in Germany, I believe. So I think that was part of maybe where he got the idea for this. Yes. What is that one with Matthau and Lemon? What? What is that one, lower, lower, lower?

Right there. Front page? No, next to it. The fortune cookie. Oh, I've never heard of that. Yeah, those two in it. Oh my God, have you ever seen Stalag 17? I didn't know he made it.

No, it's on there too. It's amazing, yeah, it's about a war camp. Yeah, they're in a war camp. That's great. It's great, great twists. Damn, he did comedy and drama. That's what's kind of incredible about him. Yeah.

All right. Died in 2002. Wow, how old was he? 95. It's a good run. I love it. Yeah. He hated Raymond Chandler.

He saw 9-11. I know, that's amazing. He was on the plane. No, he and Raymond Chandler hated each other they had beef i remember like they worked on double indemnity together and i think chandler he was like this guy's a fucking drunk who doesn't know how to write movies like he got dialogue but you know so they just were like this they wouldn't talk to each other afterwards i think they won an oscar for it though there you go i love those movie on set beef you know, where the writer and the director are fighting.

Yeah, dude. You don't see that much anymore. Uh-oh, Salicus is a gift. It's my wreck. Oh! Sally, baby! Let it ride. Uh-oh. It's also a gift for this too. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You know it's gonna be something

pretentious if it's from Salicus. The red balloon. Dustin Hoffman. Te red balloon. Wow. Dustin Hoffman. Tear this. Lenny. Wow. Oh, the acting is amazing.

Yeah. I think he was nominated for this. I believe so. He got nominated for everything, right? 60s, 70s, he was always nominated. Whoa. That's a great pose. This must have cost you $100.

20 bucks. All right. That's pretty cool, man. Look at that. Isn't that a beauty? That's pretty dope. What a great pose. This must have cost you $100. $20. All right. That's pretty cool, man. Look at that. Isn't that a beauty? That's pretty dope. What a great photo, too. That's almost too big to put up.

No, we can get it. We'll find a place. You can put it on the back of the door. I love it. Yeah. Lenny Bruce. It's also my recommendation for the movie to watch. Good call.

Good call. It's a good movie. It is a good movie. I haven't seen it in years. All right, let me give you a peeve. Hit me. And stop me if I've given you the thank you. This is very nice.

I want to put it in my house. I hope I haven't done this one before, but we're all tied down, you know? Three ladies amongst us. You ever get this one? The we when she means you. You know, like, we need to change the garbage. And before I know it, I'm like,

oh yeah, I'm like tying it up. I'm like, what do you mean we? You mean you. She said, we need to get off our period. Boom. Yeah. Dan Bolger had a great bit about it. He's like, she's like, we need to do this. He's like, no, no. She goes, you need to do this He's like, no, no She goes, you need to do this

He goes, we have herpes Something like that, I've pushed it I hate the we, we need new sheets Which means you should get some new sheets Right, she's giving you orders In a way that's She's disguising orders Disguising orders

And now I do the move where I go, yeah, yeah, get on that. Hitler used to do this. He says, we need to get you into concentration camp. Yeah. What do we have to do today to get you? We need to see your papers. No, we, you know, I'm with you, man. This is a classic girl thing.

Just say, somebody's got to change the garbage. But it's also like, oh, you want the garbage? Just change it. What is this? What are you putting it out in the world for? If you wanna change it, change it. That's how I would do. Why don't you just say, hey, do you mind changing the garbage? Or that, or that.

Because we just want the honesty. Yes, just give it to me straight, sister. We need to clean the litter out, the cat litter. Like, now I know it's about you. I shit in the cat like I drink. Like I shit in the sand. which I'm sure is fun. You ever heard that old Clooney story? What?

Oh, man, he was living with some guy back when he was broke, and I think as a goof, he took a shit in the litter box, like a big, fat, smelly human shit, and the guy came home and was like, Jesus Christ, this cat and like they put it down what give it a go i'm i'm butchering jesus christ it's a famous clooney's cat story this guy should worry less about dar for and more about uh cat fur am i right yeah was he a dar for a guy yeah yeah that was that was his cause oh shit now he's got a accomplished wife. Yeah, I'm all. I'm all. I'm all out of love.

I like that the picture is him looking very dignified in a beard. George Clooney won shit in a cat tray. There it is. Oh, I can't believe he found it. The Toronto Sun is out of news. I bet it's the only Academy Award winner to shit in a litter box. Uh-huh. This is breaking. Unless Garfield won one.

Am I wrong? The tale of twin kittitties the tale of two kitties all right give me give me the punch line of that because it's a hell of a story you might have to do a little reading there fatty but uh it's a it's a killer story and it's fun knowing this guy's an academy award winner he's helping darfur he's plowing a uh established lady and he's still shitting in a box he's got a new thing coming out with uh affleck and matt damon oh really yeah well he also sold a tequila which we're trying to do yeah we got to get that fat cat still in the works folks legal mumbo jumbo but fat cats coming's coming. Make sure to email us, too. We might be drunkpod at gmail.com and sign up for that Patreon. We got a lot of shit coming your way.

Oh, yeah. You better believe it. And send us anything. Gotham Studios, 39 West 38th Street, New York, New York, whatever the hell the zip code is. And you'll find it on the web. Now, what do you got for a bit? I got a couple ideas. Let me try this one on.

All righty. I wrote one down. Hit me one more time. When I argue with my girlfriend, there's the idea, it's kind of like a bad action movie. Like, each one is over two hours. There's lots of explosions.

By the end, you're like, what was the point of that? You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, right. So it's like, then she'll revisit the fight in a year. That's the sequel. Women aren't reopening old fights.

They're trying to build a franchise. Yeah. Right? I call it the slow and the furious. Ah, I was just thinking fast and the furious. Is there something there? Yeah, I like that. I would say blow up instead of explosion.

Blow up. Because there's no explosion in here. Because a fight is a blow up. We had a blow up. Yeah, exactly. And I might say, and it was two hours I'll never get back. There's a big blow up. Ooh, that's good.

That's what people say after a bad movie. There's two hours I'll never get back. Yeah, there's a big blow up. That's good. There's something there. I love a good analogy with a rule of threes. That's good stuff. There's two hours I'll never get back.

Trying to think of more. And I like the fast and the furious. Kind of sounds like you in the bedroom. I'm finished too fast. She's furious. All right. Yeah, there's something about like bad movie. Yeah, and you're just kind of like.

Terminator. And then maybe there's something about like, this was your idea. Oh, yeah. That's what you do when someone picks a bad movie. Yeah. What's the equivalent of a chick flick? Like you're getting back together.

You have to watch one of her movies now. Yeah, there's something about like um yeah you're you're fighting as an action movie she wants to live more like a rom-com and you're trying to get into a porn at the end oh there we go movie movie movie yeah it's a movie yeah so now it's like now we have to yeah oh and maybe that the therapist is the critic he's like the movie critic, you know, going like, well, you know, you made some mistakes here, or whatever, I don't know. There's something about like, yeah,

then we gotta make it work. I'm trying to think about how to, there's something, I'll noodle with this. What do you got? Well, the funny thing, too, is, well, now I'm going too deep into it. Damn, yeah. All right, all right, I like this.

The director, trying to get director. Could have read the Cliff's Notes. Eh, all right, all right, hold on. What do you got? The book was better. All right. Uh, okay, here we go, pulling up my bit. Now, is this too stupid?

Um, so I have a cat and a lot of people will shit on cats around me, not knowing I have a cat. George Clooney. Sorry, Sandy. And they'll shit on cats and it almost feels like I'm dating a minority and they don't know it. And so we'll be at a bar

and they're like, ah, cat, I hate cats. I don't trust them. They're the worst. And I'm kind of like, live with one you know that's a great line i live with one i have to let them know eventually like well you know it's like they're they don't trust them they're racist or whatever um like uh you know victor varnado who is a funny comic he's an albino yeah he is he always said people would say the n-word around him because they didn't know he was black wow and so he would just have to live with that or like fight the guy or whatever it was and that's kind of how i'm not comparing but uh i just feel like people shit on cats i'm like sitting here like i like i live with a cat you fucker i love what i

live with one is so because it sounds so defensive like Yeah, I mean, the idea that, like, I mean, my mind goes to, like, people have said anti-Semitic shit to me and be like, oh, you're a Jew. Right. Perfect example. And you're just like, yeah, I'm a Jew. But it's funny about, like. And they dial back or they pull back. Like, oh, I didn't know you had one.

I don't mean all cats. It just sounds like they're backpedaling with race. But you know what? It's funny. Maybe if they don't mean all cats. It just sounds like they're backpedaling with race. But you know what? It's funny. Maybe if they don't. It's like with race, they usually apologize. With cats, they're like, yeah, I don't know what to tell you. I don't like them.

I'm a dog person. I'm a dog person. And dogs are kind of like white people. Everybody likes them. People like cats, they don't do anything. They sit around all day. Not Asians. Yeah.

Good point. Here's what's interesting is like, why do we do that with pets? We don't do that with humans. You're like, do you like blacks? I'm a Filipino person. You know what I mean? No, I like that. Why do you have to choose cats or dogs?

I love them. I like them both. Why can't you like them both? Good point. Why do we, it's like, why like this instead? Yeah, and they talk about it like a race. Like, I didn't grow up with them. Maybe aliens would do that with humans. They're just like, do you like black people? Yeah, and they talk about it like a race, like, I didn't grow up with them. Maybe aliens would do that with humans.

They're just like, do you like blind people? Like, no, I'm more of a white guy. That's the pets they have, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. It feels like there's something here. Also, black cat is, like, spooky. You know, there's all kinds of weird parallels.

I've never heard anybody say they hate dogs. Yeah, usually when people say I hate dogs, it's't like animals so you're right it's like the i hear people are afraid of dogs that could be hate dogs they're just afraid of i don't like trump's hate fear hate trump's hate people have a hate a visceral hatred for cats like people fucking hate, people fucking hate cats. Some people love cats. Mostly down south. They split the room. Yeah. I think the one thing is, like, the way it's different from race is, like,

there's no race of people that makes you get hives. Like, people are allergic to cats. Oh, right, right. You break out. Yeah, you're like, fuck. You're like, oh, jeez, do you have an Asian here? Do you have any Benadryl? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that would be really racist if your body was physically couldn't be around asians something you know what i'm thinking i don't know yeah yeah i just think there's a parallel with minority and cats the line i like the best right now is um i live with one i live i live with like you getting offended is hilarious to me. Yes, exactly. Yeah, people hate cats. They're open about cats, hating them. Dogs are happy, go lucky, fun.

Can I ask you about a bit of yours? I saw a clip of one of your bits. It was the shooting Jeff Bezos into space. Oh, yeah, yeah. I really think there's something there. Really? How did it go? I don't remember.

It was something about how, like, oh, how... It was something like how he keeps going into space, and they were like, what they should have done is... Shot him in space and had him... They should shoot him. They should put him on a rock and just tell him they're sending him to Mars, but just send it to Afghanistan. This is, like, at the height of the Afghanistan thing. And he gets off and he's like, holy shit,

like Martians are so primitive, you know? They're just throwing that. But then I think the turn was like, but then he would start Amazon in Afghanistan and treat his workers horrible. Oh, right. And then he would find out that his harsh treatment would still be better than how Afghanis treat women.

Oh my gosh. That was the turn of the bit. Yes, that's good. But it's a long way to go. that his harsh treatment would still be better than how Afghanis treat women. Oh my gosh. That was the turn of the bed. Yes, that's good. But it's a long way to go. I might have to just shorten it. Like maybe the angle is more like we talk about how Bezos pregnant women in the factory,

but then you're like, then they're like, you know, ISIS, or you know, they're like, well, we already do that. The Taliban's like, we already do that. Right, right. We already treat women that way. He's like our villain. But I don't know. I think it's really clever. I don's like, we already do that. Right, right. We already treat women that way. He's like our villain. I think it's really clever.

I don't know if there's anything there. I think he's overrating the bit. I think it's like a meh, you know? Maybe something about how we can't get people out of Afghanistan, but if we boxed them up, I feel like we can get them the next day. Like delivery? Too harsh? Overnight?

Overnight! Maybe Bezos' next line line i would think more like mexico he's he's a coyote that's who he gets people here in his boxes yeah and it's it's also weird that we can't get afghanis here but yet we can get to space you know that's wild yeah were you telling me something about kim kardashian getting afghanis here yeah give it a go what's that story she sent a jumbo jet to jet to Afghanistan and saved a bunch of people. It's interesting, too. It's like to be,

because you got to be kind of ballsy to underpay your workers and show up in a nice car. Bezos underpays his employees and went to space. Right. That's crazy. That's true.

Kim Kardashian, a rabbi, helped Afghan teenage girls soccer players get safely to Britain. There you go. Look at that. See? She gets a bad rap. Oh, she couldn't pass the bar. 130 people, including 30 teenage players.

Look at that. 130. Yes. Pretty good. Pretty good. If I was a billionaire, I mean, I say this, but I would be doing this kind of shit. It'd be fun. I mean, a rabbi was the other person.

Who's the rabbi? He doesn't even get a shout out? Yeah. All right. Let's plug some dates. All right, all right. I'd like to play some music underneath you talking. Oh, please.

Oh, I sent you this song. Yeah. This is great winter music. Yeah. I like a little Ben Webster, great saxoph this song. Yeah. This is great winter music. Yeah. I like a little Ben Webster, great saxophonist. All right, do your dates. Isn't that nice? I'm just going to leave this on in my apartment.

This is perfect. Winter, it's Christmassy. Oh, I bought a tree. You buy a tree yet? Taylor bought one. That's the best feeling. You get the mini one? We bought one, yeah.

We bought a tree. We bought a zoo. All right. Did you get a big, middle? She bought two. Two? Yeah. That's a little rubbing in the face on the Jew, right?

It is. She got a menorah, too. All right, all right. Well, we bought a menorah. She got two, and it was funny. She tried to play off. She's like, that's how much I love Christmas. I bought two.

I was like, you could have just had one, though. She's like, I can't. I don't know how to cancel the delivery. So she played it off like she was like, that's how I end a Christmas. I'm like, no, you made a mistake. Yeah, don't do that with the adoption agency. Jesus. I couldn't send it back.

What do you got? I got Charlotte Comedy Zone. I think I'm nipping at your heels over there. I'm at the Buckhead Theater in Atlanta. About to sell out. Hopefully we can add a show there. It's a big room. Syracuse Funny Bone.

Milwaukee Improv. Toronto at the Dark Comedy Festival. Those dates are wrong. Kansas City Improv. Got all kinds of Those dates are wrong. Kansas City Improv. Got all kinds of fun dates coming up. Go to marknormancomedy.com. This comes out the 12th, right, Matt? Okay, so I got Dallas this weekend, Addison Improv.

I got in January, I'm going to add more if I can, but right now I've got Richmond January 20th through 22nd I've got Magoobies in Timonium Maryland the 27th through 29th And then February Hartford and Sacramento And more coming As well as big one coming New York City if you're listening

Beacon Theater in May that should be on sale tomorrow so I hope you come out Beacon baby Holy shit Chris big deal so I hope you guys show out for that

cause that's like New York City kid very big deal very excited about that one so I hope I hope everyone I mean that's a milestone yeah I'm excited

so please come out I'd love to sell it out holy hell Beacon May 7th I'm a little nervous now I'm. I'd love to sell it out. Holy hell. Beacon, May 7th. I'm a little nervous now. I'm intimidated. Why? I can't hang out with you anymore.

You can do it. I can't do it. Yeah, you could. I can't. Maybe I'll pop by. Pop by. Can I be in the green room? Is that weird?

I'd be honored. All right. All right. Wow. Beacon. Paul Simon. Jerry Seinfeld. Samarill.

Oh, yeah. Well, make sure we sell it out first. But honored. If you guys will buy tickets, I believe it goes on sale tomorrow. Holy. What is that, 3,200 seats? I think it's 2,900. Okay.

Yeah. All right, you got that. 29, baby. Hey, you've sold out eight Carolines in a row. Got them. Gramercy Theater. Oh, got them. Sorry. Yeah, but no, I hope you guys come out eight Carolines in a row. Gotham. Grand receipt theater. Oh, Gotham. Sorry.

Yeah, but no, I hope you guys come out. And this fucking song is great. I love it. So good. Ben Webster. If you guys haven't listened to Ben Webster, you'll love him. He's incredible. That's all.

That is some good tunes. Thank you, everybody. We love you. Keep drinking. Happy holidays. I'm going to the next store. I'm going to the next store. I'm going to the next store. I'm going to the next store. I'm going to the next store. I'm going to the next store.

I'm going to the next store. I'm going to the next store. I'm going to the next store. I'm going to the next store. I'm going to the next store. I'm going to the next store. I'm going to the next store. I'm going to the next store. Terima kasih telah menonton! Thank you. The Kansai International Airport Thank you.