We Might Be Drunk - Ep 56: Teremana & Soda

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

Mark Normand and Sam Morril can be seen on the road at a club near you. Visit MarkNormandComedy.com and SamMorril.com for more details! Join the Patreon for bonus episodes weekly and more bonus content: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod Send us emails [e-mail] Send us mail: Gotham Podcast Studio 39 West 38th Street, 10th Fl New York, NY 10018

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pet peeves, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Yo, happy new year. We love you guys. Thank you for listening. Dude, happy new year. Hey, happy new 2022 we love you guys thank you for listening uh dude happy new year hey happy new 2022 here we are came out of nowhere oh god this is crazy i know we lost so much time with the pandem and i hate losing time we're both scared of death you know so we're opening

well i'm just saying it's it's a looming fear just waiting there. It is. The sickle just coming down on us. Yeah, dude. So we create. It's coming. That's our answer to death is creating. Yeah, I think about that a lot. You do so many late night sets, I was like, oh, that dude's scared to death. Oh, yeah.

He wants a catalog. Yes, I want a cannon. What is a cannon? You ever heard cannon? Yeah, sure. Okay. The cannon, yeah. It's the body. What what is it what's the

difference a canon a catalog is there i guess catalog is what you sell coats out of you know or a west elm catalog you don't have a west elm canon is there a difference what do we got a general law rule principle criterion which a collab but also a collection of sacred yeah i think it's both oh the can is a little more sacred biblical canon all right all right good to know we're doing a little we don't have the beer jew this week we're doing a little taramana and soda it's a new year we want to start light tequila soda though you can't go wrong with a little fruit in there. It's nice. We're out of lime, so we went with orange. I want a lime. A lime goes a long way. Like, you ever do a shot of tequila, and you hit that lime, and you go, I'm completely cured.

Isn't that crazy? It's crazy. Well, they use it for dead bodies. Do they? In the war, they'd use limes. Lime juice. Am I wrong? You're thinking of lime.

L-Y-M-E. That's a different lime. That's how they bury people. Lime disease. Lime and limes are very different. Do they not use? Yeah, I'm a real fucking idiot for saying that right now. Well, I've only seen it in like horror movies.

Here's another one. Mustard gas. Real mustard. That's Dijon, baby. I think they use lime to kill smells, though. Am I that fucking dumb that I just said that? Is there lime in smelling salt? What's in a smelling salt but wait hold on we're still on the lime thing does limes kill smells oh wait a minute controlling odors from pets and livestock

i don't know about the dead bodies though huh i might have overstepped here i think it's you're thinking of lime you always pour that on the graves. Yeah, but lime, it does something. It is something about like that tequila shot where you're like, oh my God. I know. It helps you. Nothing works all the time except limes and chapstick. Chapstick works, man. You put that shit on your list.

It's a minute, yeah, but it's like Coke. It wears off. It's like you're coming back for more. It's like you feel like a degenerate gambler asking for a loan. That's right. That's what Chapstick is. Chapstick is short money. It'll get you by, but it ain't lasting.

You're better off investing. That's why I never use it. I only own one Chapstick. My girl all day is just boop, boop, boop. You don't own one? No, I don't want it. I got one right here. You see? You're going to rely on it.

What? I got another. Oh, you got Burt's Bees and Chapstick. By the way, I handed to Burt's Bees for coming in on that monopoly and trying to make its own way. Because they came in. Chapstick had the market cornered. It's like Kleenex. When you talk about tissues and you're like Kleenex, you're like, that's a brand of tissues.

That's a brand. Band-Aid. That's another one. They're good. That's a name for that. Give that a go. What's the name for that. Give that a go. What's the name of that term where you have the brand and they take over? Sharpie is another one.

Give me a Sharpie. I think highlighter might be one too. Is highlighter one too? I might be overstepping. There's a name for that term. Oh. 41. What's it called?

Xerox? Taser jen there google's a big one big one i'm gonna google that wow they fucking that's crazy no one says i'm gonna yahoo that genericization i'm gonna ask jeeves that yeah you got that right generic genericization i might. I might be saying that wrong. Genericization. That looks right. All right. What about, and do you have any New Year's resolutions, Mark? I never do them.

Never? I feel like if you got a thing, just do it. Because if you talk about it at a party, here's my resolution. You're not really going to do it. Fair enough. You're all talk. But this is a podcast true good point nothing that you want to change uh all right here's one all right i uh when the when the covet hit the gym my gym closed and i just stopped i used to

go to the gym twice a week it was like part of my life the the rec center yeah same really yeah yeah the rec center is the best same. Really? Yeah, yeah. The rec center is the best deal in New York. Yeah. It's like 80 bucks a year. You get the ping pong, you get the shower, you get the basketball, you get the weight room. The swimming. The pool.

The swimming is what I would do. I mean, it's you and a bunch of geriatrics, but fuck it. You also feel like a badass in there. Geriatrics in better shape than me. There used to always be, I used to do a bit about this, but there used to always be a woman on a noodle and you just have to swim around her. And you're like, this is the dumbest setup for your exercise. There's so many Asian dudes there. The Asians love it.

The Asian dudes swim. Yeah, they swim and they pong. Yeah. The Asians dominated. They're like black of NBA. Asian pong. Yeah. Oh, I've seen forrest gump so what about uh

so you just stop going to the gym don't you why don't you just get a regular gym membership well i got i got fond i got i got a i grew a a love for the wreck i helped the old guy you know some old guy in dress socks is like and i me help you there, Siegfried or whatever his name is. It's always some guy like Merman or something. It's always some old guy, Duncan. So I go, hey, let me help you. And he goes, thanks, Sonny.

Let me buy you an egg cream or whatever. Mark saved Bernie Sanders at the rec center. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Still don't have health care. But that should be a resolution. Oh, that's pretty good. Can we? I think that should be a resolution oh that's pretty good can

we i think that should be the resolution that mark has to get health insurance we'll take it out of the patreon i don't think i need i i've been to the hospital since 88 this is the hospital it's it's like it's it's more of a just in case that you should get it mark you're making a lot of money it's really it's it should be one it. It should be like an agent or a manager. That's the thing you just have. But don't you feel like if you don't go to the hospital, you wasted that month? I mean, do you not go to the doctor for anything? You've told me you've had shoulder stuff.

I mean, what do you do? You just pay out of pocket? I know a guy. I know a guy. This is how he's going to. Mark, I've got prostate cancer. You should see a doctor. I've got a guy.

He meets me in an alley. He gives me me a shot meet me at this chipotle bathroom i'll look at your prostate he knows the code this guy's a pro uh yeah all right maybe you're right get health care because when you go without insurance hey they look at you sideways. They go, hey, what's your insurance? Like, I don't have it. They go, Jesus Christ. And then it's like four grand. Yeah, dude. That's like what health insurance costs for the year. You should do, you should get it. Matt, am I wrong here?

Maybe I'm holding out for- Look at Matt is also saying you should get it. I keep hearing the health care is on the way. It's coming. It's coming. Free health care. I don't think it's coming. All right. All right. is on the way it's coming it's coming free health care i don't think it's coming all right all right if obamacare didn't push it through to free nothing is going to push it through i mean that's

we're it's not going to be free i mean american health care fucking blows but you got to get it yeah it's really horrible but i'm not doing a great sales pitch here it's the worst i sound like i'm talking about game of thrones it's terrible you gotta watch right right well the thing about obamacare is i signed up and then they had one one hiccup with the password and i just said fuck it i'm done you might be because you did that netflix special you might be eligible for sag oh you can look into that i gotta pay those dues oh yeah me too oh jeez i'll just pay him when i get a part in something yeah they remind you those unions remind you i know unions man they're not

fucking around they're not fucking around and then you forget to pay it then five years later they're like oh you owe 10 grand you're like jesus christ i have a gym in my building i don't it's a small one but i don't use it a lot what oh you occasionally but i'll tell you this i got a trainer because of my neck so i was like i don't use her a ton but we i use her to kind of get back into it and it's a whole thing in my building it's a lot of old people and they're kind of like you're not allowed to use a trainer so i've been scolded a couple times first off i'm gonna say this about my building i get woken up every day by construction some old asshole is getting uh you know renovations going on in there yep you know it's not enough it's this shit this is a peeve of mine and look i'm gonna i'm gonna start

with saying this is a real first world complaint but guess what we're living in the first world baby you got that right fucking go hell yeah here's what happens i'm in there with a trainer and two separate old guys walk over to me and go, we don't care personally, but you're not supposed to have a trainer. What? But we don't care. So moms were, but just so you know. Because you're young or because they're in the building? Just because they don't,

some weird thing where buildings are like, you're not supposed to have trainers in here. What the fuck? How exclusive is that? I can't bring a gal in to work out with? She's literally guiding me because she doesn't want me to get re-injured. So it's like,

that's literally why she's there and we're very quiet. But they were like, it is a peeve of mine when people go, I don't care personally, but this is the rule. I'm like, well, listen, nerd.

I didn't read the handbook here. So that's why I don't know the fucking rules. I'm breaking the rules without even knowing them. I hate these nerds and they're all on the board. We're on the board

and the board says- That's a New York thing, the co-op board. Co-op board is a menace. If you're on a co-op board, you're a fucking nerd. You're worse on the board. We're on the board. That's a New York thing, the co-op board. Co-op board is a menace. If you're on a co-op board, you're a fucking nerd. You're worse than the Klan. Yes, it's a whole different kind of group. It's exclusive to New York.

Only in New York where they're like, we have to approve you for this. Yes, yes. Get over yourself. I know. We have a board in my building, and they're a nightmare. Because we had to rent out the roof for stuff. Because the roof is common space. So like, hey, we're going to have a board in my building and they're a nightmare because we had to rent out the roof for stuff because the roof is common space. So like, hey, we're gonna have a barbecue and like, oh, all right, well, we're gonna

charge you this much. It's got to be over by 11. I'm like, what is this, Russia? We're having a barbecue. Get out of here. It's open air. No one is up here. It's really crazy.

It's like that's a New York thing. Yeah. And the nicer the building, the cunty of the board. Yeah. Anyone who's involved with that shit, it's like, just get over yourself. I know. Get a life. Go do something. Go help.

Go to a soup kitchen. What are you hassling the people who live here for? Yeah, well, they were definitely annoyed with me. They were definitely like, we don't mind. I'm like, I think you mind. That's a big peeve. Yeah. I'm okay with it, but just so you know the rules.

That's, get out of here. Get out of here. I know exactly what you're doing. It's passive aggressive. It's phony. It's bad. Yeah. You should do that.

Hey, I don't mind your toupee, but I heard some people talking about it. You know, like, where does it end? Yeah. So, what does the trainer do? Is she? She's just kind of guiding me to like strengthening my my neck again because i you know i've you know i have a herniated disc but i mean do you do pull downs or yeah whatever we can but she's just making sure my neck is in the proper position because i could re-injure it easily does she hold it does she give you a brace i'm worried she's

getting a free ride here how much you paying this gal that's we'll talk all right all right this gal's got the sweetest gig in the world hey what's the neck okay now do another one what's the neck well she's also she's strengthening you know she's strengthening the muscles surrounding it so i don't get re-injured i mean that's the whole thing no it's not yeah you got to know about the body you got to know the anatomy all right all right all right yeah i feel like a hey she hands you a pillow and an ice pack and an apple juice. I don't know if it's a real gig, but I'm not there. She does Lunchables, too.

All right, all right. Teddy Grahams? Teddy Grahams were kind of underrated. Oh, I love Teddy Grahams. Dude, you know I fuck with cinnamon Teddy Grahams. Oh, I was a chocolate man, but I'm with you. Oh, really? The other one was honey, right? Oh, yeah. Honey Grahams. What were the flavors? Pull up, but I'm with you. Oh, really? Chocolate. Well, the other one was honey, right?

Oh, yeah. Honey Grahams. What were the flavors? Pull up the flavors. Wasn't there a blue box, too? Was that original? Maybe. Maybe.

Original was good. Yeah, yeah. Those were golden. No, that's a different thing. Golden Grahams is a cereal. Those were good. Honey Grahams. Oh, Teddy.

There he is. Dude, I was in 7-Eleven by the comedy cellar the other day, and they sold vanilla frosted Dunkaroos. Damn. For my money, I don't think it got any better by the Comedy Cellar the other day, and they sold vanilla frosted Dunkaroos. Damn! For my money, I don't think it got any better. No, that's the way to go. Because look, we all have a Pop-Tart, but they're too big. That's the way to get some frosting, and it's just a bite-sized version.

Look at this shit. They went woke with Teddy Grahams now. He's got to be holding up a fucking butterfly. What the fuck happened? It used to just be a Graham. Now he's gonna be saving nature yeah he looks like a lunesta ad over here teddy graham come on it's sugar it's drugs don't don't fuck around with me teddy he's got erectile dysfunction

the hell happened to him do we have him on the screen are we showing him god damn it teddy got anxiety go to the old ones you know this shit had like hydrogenated oil or whatever? I know. It's poison. This shit gave you cancer. It's all poison. We were eating cancer as kids. Honey, that was a big one.

Yeah. What are the other ones? Well, he was gay back then, apparently. He's got the half shirt on, the belly shirt. Can you see this on the, can the audience see this? Okay, just joking. This Daddy Graham, he had assless chaps. We're like, Jesus Christ, he's got a little hat on.

He's got a ball gag and a butt plug. All right. We're going medieval on Teddy's ass. What other flavors were back in the day? These are the new ones. What the hell is this? Nabisco. You know it's an evil corporate.

Nabisco is definitely one of those companies that was trying to give women breast formula. You know those companies that were like, you got to have breast milk formula. Right, right. Oh, yeah. I don't know. I don't remember the old one. They've brainwashed me. I can't remember.

Woke. Woke. Woke Teddy Grahams. Woke Teddy Grahams is a great, like, woke candy people. It used to be just the Trix Rabbit, Lucky Charms, you know, what's the Pillsbury Doughboy? He's body shamed. Is Lucky Charms not, likems offensive to the Irish now? Is that where we're at?

It'll get there. The Irish don't give a fuck, which is nice. There's Irish coffee. I can be yelling at Redhead and Stepshut. Irish goodbye. They're fine with it. The best goodbye. Great goodbye.

Plus, of all the goodbyes, I've never regretted an Irish goodbye. No, good point. I mean, we had De had derosa on i remember he literally yelled at me twice for leaving his birthday and like a drunken blackout like fuck you you're a shitty friend three in the morning on like a tuesday or monday and you're just kind of like this is what the irish goodbye is for it's to save me because he doesn't remember doing it anyway but you're like i don't want to you just want to get out yeah well the problem with the get out is they go, no, stay. One more shot.

And you're just avoiding that. It's not that I dislike you or I'm trying to leave you. It's just the fact that you give me a headlock and you go, come on, you pussy. Stay another hour. And you're like, dude, it's five. Let me go. We're too old to have friends like this. This is a bad sign.

Once you have friends who are like 40 and up, they should not be asking you to take another shot. Those are some problematic friends. And we're already teetering on blackout. friends who are like 40 and up they should not be asking you to take another shot that's a those are some problematic friends and we're already like teetering on blackout let's just enjoy the buzz but i mean who am i talking to i'm i like to keep it going i do too but i want that next day now man oh yeah yeah that's one thing you learn it's uh enjoy the buzz and just go home remember were you a fruit roll-up or fruit by the foot guy um i mean i was a fruit roll-up but my parents wouldn't buy any of that shit i had to like mooch it like i would have to go to friends houses yes yeah my parents won't get that shit either i loved it i know you go to friends pantries it was like the scene in pulp fiction

where they open the box with the glow i was like oh my god dunkaroos roll-ups uh gushers oh my god we didn't have a gusher in my home it's the closest you take you're coming to taking one on the face as a child just shoot a hot load of juice right over your chin that's true that explosion was that was serious oh man you really felt the gush oh it was so they were so good oh yeah that shit's poor it must we must have been eating poison who knows what that was all that shit all that stuff was bad the cereal was bad the lunch was bad like goldfish i'm sure goldfish is just goldfish is so good i know cheddar goldfish anyone leaves anything that leaves a cake in your teeth like that, though, is bad. I know. You got to get it out there. It's just a gooey paste.

Every disease comes through the gums. And we're literally just walking around with shit mushed in our mouth. And you're like, hey, why does my breath stink? Oh, yeah. I ate a, by the way, that paper bag, too. Goldfish was really trying to be high end for a while. Pepperidge Farms. Yeah.

Yeah. Milano. It's like, just fucking give me a, no, Ch chips ahoy was never putting on airs good point i'm coming in a sack yes the keebler elf kept it real but yeah peppered from milano the other one with the chessmen the chessmen yes that's it had a rook on it yeah was it a rook of the night i don't know might have been the night pull up pull up some of the peppers it was the horse i think it's the knight. They can go diagonal.

Chessmen cookie. They were good cookies. Maybe that's the bishop. Ooh, those butter cookies, dude. Oh, God. Yeah, it was the knight. All right. Or was it all the pieces?

I guess it was all of them. I only had the knight. What were the other big Pepperidge Farm? I mean, dude, those- Milano was huge. Sal Salito cookies. What's that? Pull those up, man. You know what? I don, dude, those- Milano was huge. Sal Salito cookies. What's that? Pull those up, man.

You know what? I don't care for them. We'll get to this later because this might start a debate, but the Tate's. What are those again? Tate's, you'd seen them. Oh, yeah, they're fine. Oh, those are great. That's one of the better cookies in the market there.

Put those in the microwave for 20 seconds. You get yourself a glass of milk my friend you got yourself an evening yeah that's like free basin i mean it's too good you're flying close to the sun with that shit farmhouse i love a little white chocolate macadamia oh now you're talking yeah dude jesus lick my asshole while you're at it this is when we're supposed to be turning our year around this is when people go to the gym this is like the month you're right there's a lot of i'm sure i want but those gym rats look at the the january people the way we look at hobby comics they're like you fucking bitch you don't you don't take this seriously yeah you have no idea you work in

a cubicle you're trying to live off some weird fantasy it's not gonna last this is the gauntlet this is thunderdome baby tahoe's those were good damn yeah oh cookies this is all above my pay grade over here oh i'm not yeah i don't i don't really get cookies anymore honestly i don't know i don't really buy them you can't buy them because you eat them the first day you know you pull them out of the bag you put your eggs in your milk in the fridge then you pull those maui's out and you're done. Special occasion, though, I will do like, man, they're like, you know, milk bar. Sometimes you're just like, I'm just going to order a milk bar, glass of milk, movies. That's a fun evening.

That is very nice. Because you watch an old movie with some fucking sweets. Holy shit. Black and white movie, glass of milk, comfort zone, bro. Hell yeah. Love it. You get a black and white movie, black and white cookie. Now you're in. Yeah, dude. I never liked the black and white movie, glass of milk, comfort zone, bro. Hell yeah. Love it. You get a black and white movie, black and white cookie. Now you're in.

Yeah, dude. I never liked the black and white cookie. I think it's overrated. It kind of sucks. It's not great. The whole Seinfeld thing, they went with the whole unity thing. Right, right. That was a woke cookie back then.

Ah, diversity. Yeah, that was their whole push, white and black. Right, that's true. And Asians are like, hello? We can't get in there? Hispanics? Nothing? Pull up the Tates if you can.

Now we're going all Google in this ep. Or I should say search engine. Yeah, they're good, but let's not get carried away. They're too thin and hard. I don't like thin and hard. Like my dick. But they're just too... I like a soft cookie.

I want grandma. I want the warmth. I like crunchy. Yeah. Oh, you do like crunchy. The problem with crunchy is though it makes a mess. Yes. You're ruined.

That's the issue. Yeah. Crunchy. Now we got crumbs everywhere. There's a little mouse nibbling on the floor. Yeah. You got that right. Yeah.

Not a fan. Not a fan. That's why I don't like the... Not the Entenmanns. What's that fucker on the plane? The Biscoff. Biscoff. It's all crumb.

Yeah, we have it on the plane though. It's not your problem. That's true. It's kind of like trimming your pubes in a hotel bathroom. Let's put this on someone else. Which I'm also a fan of. That's where I get it done. Really?

Yeah, I'm not doing that at my house. I'll leave a big tip. I'll do it right over the toilet. Me too. I try to get it in, but every once in a while I have an off shooting night. Yeah, you got a rogue pube. It's always gray. You got any grays yet?

Yeah, I have grays right here. Oh, yeah. I got them on the side real bad. But I'm talking about pubes. Oh, I don't know, actually. That's a bummer. I'll check my teeth. Yeah, you do, boy.

Tates are overrated cookies. Yeah, yeah, the green bag. They're fine. I do like those butter cookies, though. That's a real good. Whenever someone, it's holiday season, people start bringing around those cookies or like those. How do you feel about the school girl cookies?

Girl Scout? Yeah, that's what I meant. I think they're overrated. No, they're school boy cookies. That's why I was confused. Do they? Yeah, pull up the school boy cookies. What the that's what i mean uh i think they're overrated cookies that's why i was confused yeah i pulled the school boy they're good they're good cookies okay those are another classic that's kevin spacey's favorite but i don't know those oh that's a good cookie yeah so you know those yeah i didn't know they were called school boy it's a little uh risque yeah school boy well they have. Well, they have the Girl Scout cookies, but there's no Boy Scout cookies. True.

Because no one wants to give the money. Christopher, a thought in your head, pedophilia. That's right. They're using this money on trips. Yes. This fucking guy with touchy fingers. Yes. That was my money.

You know who loves the Boy Scout pedophilia is the church. They're like, thank God. Put it on those weird campers. We'll be here at the Vatican. What about the really good ones are the Samoas. Those are the classics. Is that the one with the chocolate swirl on it? That weird ribbon?

The hole in it? Yeah, that's it. That's the best one. That's the king. The Thin Mints can go fuck themselves. Get out here the lemon up stink toffee stinks i don't want to be thinking about my breath when i'm eating a cookie yes let me live a little shortbread boring peanut butter that's new that wasn't banging when i was back in the uh the the rotation for uh peanut butter cookies as a kid was my go-to yeah that's the shit little peanut butter you can't go wrong with peanut butter and any sweet love peanut butter peanut butter ice cream peanut butter shake

peanut butter sauce spread well peanut sauce you got the pad thai oh that's right so let's let's give a toast to the peanut yes carver you. That looks like a fucking little guinea pig shit. What the hell is that cookie? Guinea pig shit's my favorite punk band. You gotta go see guinea pig shit. Guinea pig shit. You guys ready to rock? Guinea pigs are cute animals.

They are. Have you seen those? Oh, yeah. They're adorable. My friend had a few, but now they test things on guinea pigs. That's where we get the name. Awful. You're the guinea pig.

Awful. But is that real? It must be. What do they test it on a guinea pig? Space travel? Makeup? What are we talking here? I had a guinea pig as a kid.

Really? Yeah, I loved it. Snuggles. R.I.P. Really? To a legend. I know, but they're just sitting there. First of all, they smell weird. No, they play. You hand them a carrot. They nibble on it. Snuggles. R.I.P. Really? To a legend. I know, but they're just sitting there. First of all, they smell weird.

No, they play. You hand them a carrot. They nibble on it. You can hold them. They go through little mazes. They're fun, man. Okay. You can hold them, though.

I found out my mom picked me up at school one day, and she goes, Snuggles died in the ER. And I was like, looking back, it's a pretty funny sentence, but as a kid, I burst out crying. Oh, I get it. I get it. Yeah. Yeah, my cat was it's a pretty funny sentence, but as a kid, I burst out crying. Oh, I get it. I get it. Yeah. Yeah, my cat was killed as a kid.

By the way, my cat was just outdoors 98% of the time. They're cute as hell, those animals. Cute animal. Look at that. They're a good size, too. They're not too big, not too small. But my cat was killed by a banister. It was up against the wall, and the cat jumped on it. It was like a piece of a banister was up against the wall and the cat jumped on it it was like a piece of a

banister and they the cat jumped off and the banister fell on top of it crushed it oh that's awful i know my dad was like do you want to see it or do you want to see it well he was like do you want to say a word or whatever and i was like ah just bury it i get it i couldn't i couldn't handle it on fire like the end of star wars yeah yeah i said a prayer i couldn't see it. You lit it on fire like the end of Star Wars? Yeah, yeah. I said a prayer. I couldn't see it. Oh, that's fucking brutal. I know. You know what I realized?

Guinea pigs, they're really lucky they don't have tails. Yes. Because that's why no one likes the hamsters or the gerbils. Because one of them have tails. Possum's got a wicked tail. They're gross. So gross. How about people who have pet ferrets? What the fuck is wrong with them?

What a weird. It's like if Rockstar Energy Drink was an animal. That's a bad look, the ferret. They smell weird. They run all over the place. They're gross. They're terrible. Bad move.

White trash ferret. It is white trash. Yeah. You picture them opening the door with a Miller Lite and a wife beater. Yes. Yes, exactly. I'm not drunk you're drunk cops just beating the shit out of them yeah yeah wwe's on in the background they're

playing some kid rock yeah bad luck with the ferret but my friend had one how about the guy with the snake i mean that's a weird look what are we even doing yeah his whole thing is well i'll feed him a mouse and he holds it up it's it's a weird day i too. What are we even doing? Yeah, his whole thing is, well, I'll feed him a mouse. And he holds it up. It's a weird day. This guy wanted to not develop a personality so bad, he got into fucking reptiles. Yes. You see that guy in the West Village, and he's just- With the one on his shoulders?

Oh, my God. What are you doing? That guy's weird. And also the pigeon guy. You know the guy who's just sitting there? He's got 38 pigeons on his ass and he's feeding them and shit.

You're like, what are you doing? This is your day? I get it when you're like a little kid and you want to like feed a duck and you get like

the bread or something but like, feeding pigeons, like these are birds, there's diseases. I know. Like what are we doing? And look,

don't get me wrong, culturally I love the pigeons, they're a part of the city. Sure. I see pigeons, I get happy, I go to the, you know,

Atlantic City, you get the seagulls and you're like, i'm a pigeon man you know but the but the god damn are the they're just kind of they're gross animals rats with wings they say and they nailed it i mean they're the worst they're the gutter like they they go through the gutter they're they're bad they live in the they go through the trash we need a picture movie on them oh a picture movie they're fun animals they're doing this the whole time yeah the mick jagger they got grit you know they're like uh like italian guys on a stoop you know they've lived they've seen them with a cigarette you're like shut up the uh oh what is this is that a pigeon movie animaniacs had a uh oh disney wild i don't know pigeon movie? Animaniacs had a, oh, Disney Wild. I don't know what that is. Animaniacs had a whole sketch on pigeons, and they were called the Good Feathers.

And it was like a bunch of mob guys who were pigeons, and it was pretty great. That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're grimy. They're gritty. Pigeons make it work. They evolve. What, you got any peeves this week?

Big peeve. Yeah. Now, let me throw this at you because it's a weird one, and I might need you to interact so you really understand it. So I worked with a guy, and he had bad pauses. Let me show you what I mean. So you're trying to bond with a guy in the green room. You don't know him that well, so you want to chit-chat.

Let me throw one at you. Oh, hey, I like those shoes. Good shoes you got there. You see what I'm saying? We'll try again. Ah, you got a haircut? I did. I like it.

You see? The pause. He opens it up for a conversation, and then he slams you because he's thinking, I'm still going. But you think I'll be polite and I'll chime in. You think about timing being like a showbiz thing, but you need timing offstage too. It's everything. Totally. I mean, it ruins the whole conversation.

So the whole time we're going, oh, sorry, sweet guy, nice guy. But the pauses were off all weekend. You didn't like the pause? Exactly. We couldn't build. We couldn't't get anywhere and the whole thing was ruined bad pauses yeah that's rough bad what are you drinking today i'm having looks good like come on we can't do it it's it's like the equivalent of like oh you're in the wrong wrong hole. You know, it just felt like bad sex where you couldn't get it right. You know, the whole thing was ruined the whole weekend in the green room. It was just just it sucked.

That's tough. You know, you want to get into a good rhythm with a person. It's everything. It's everything. And then you realize like, oh, I can't wait. You get back with your friends and you're like, ah, this is nice. This is how people talk. Yeah, exactly. And then you're like, you have a girlfriend. You get back with your friends and you're like, ah, this is nice. This is how people talk. Yeah, exactly.

And then you're like, you have a girlfriend? How does she deal with it? Maybe she's adapted to your bad pauses. So what I would do is, because I want to get along with him, so I would just wait way too long to let him get it all out, and then I would chime in. Yeah, you just got to be really patient. Yeah.

That's tough. It was tough, man. And it's a weird peeve. I it and i've never encountered this i i well the second you said i'm like now i've had those oh you have well yeah sure you have people with the weird speech patterns and you have to kind of just you have to wait it out yeah yeah all right i feel better no i i had a weird one i was checking into a building uh and it's one of those i don't know if it's like a covid thing or whatever or if it's just how the building runs there's like a guy at the front desk and he was like wait here for the elevator and there's like a line i'm just like so i don't i

don't press the button he goes yeah oh that's weird this is not a normal thing yeah you don't get annoyed you're like you're throwing a weird thing at me that was definitely a weird thing and i don't like the the weird thing followed by the annoyance yeah yeah you're weird i'm reacting to your weirdness and you're upset yeah how'd that happen yeah i'm with you you don't do that with other shemmy and like it's like meet me on this corner i'm gonna be an hour late and you're like you're gonna be an hour late yeah i'm gonna be late all right right it's actually a pretty good move on their part be an hour late yeah i'm gonna be late all right right it's actually a pretty good move on their part because now you win somehow i'm the idiot but you're being the douche you but you don't win because i'm like this guy's a jerk off yeah yeah he sucks so yeah

you won't hang out with him i mean i'm gonna hang out with that desk guy anyway probably but yeah now i'm really not going to but you want to meet his friends and go you guys see this right i have so many questions when i deal with weirdos like that i think some guys they're assholes to strangers i think some people like they're okay to their select friend group or sometimes they're just like an asshole to even some people in the friend group but you've seen some of those people with like this guy's got like a uh problem. Yeah, for sure. And then you're like, how'd you get hired? You must have not done that in the interview.

Is this your resume? Yeah, it's my resume, asshole. Exactly. Jesus Christ. I know. Fucking nerve of this guy. People are kooky. I watched, here's my rec.

Yeah. It's not great. I'm not proud of it, but I enjoyed it. And it's maybe a guilty pleasure, whatever. I watched King Richard. Oh, I hear it's not great i'm not proud of it but i enjoyed it and it's a maybe a guilty pleasure whatever i watched king richard oh i hear it's good oh did you yeah okay it's a little hollywoody and they really glam it up but the story is so good that i had to watch it but it's got you know the cheese on it and it's sad and heartwarming and all that shit so much cheese but the story is amazing these two gals from compton the dad worked him in the rain the hood the the violence the gunshots the racism with the country club

pretty fascinating so interesting like sports like tennis and golf and the histories of racism and then it's like once you start letting people of different races in look what the fuck happened right the william sisters tiger woods hello i know but maybe that's why they didn't want to let him in you know well you see old footage of like basketball in the 50s and just like a white guy like yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah i think we we need a do you guys want ratings to go up or do you want to win right the washington generals yeah playing the globetrotters and the simpsons so good oh that's what we have a crusty bet all on them and he's like oh i thought the generals would do that was a bit i tried to do but it got too dicey about uh like transgender people are

like dominating in all these sports and i'm like that must be how white people felt in the 50s when black people came in like we can't let them play they're gonna win everything oh that's good you like that yeah maybe i'll bring it back it just got it's race it's transgender it was a lot of different edgy shit and i think people pulled back but i'm kidding certain things people just don't want a fucking a piece you know i know i'm not good with that it's just certain subject matter yeah it's not even what you're saying i'm not saying anything wrong but i had an abortion joke and a woman just heckled like like what fuck you like got real pissed i'm like it's a joke i'm obvious i open my saying i'm pro-choice i made a joke but she was like really got worked up and we kind of had a

funny exchange by the end because i think she could tell that i wasn't an asshole yeah and she regretted a little bit good but uh she kept being like why can't i have a bunch of abortions i was like i'm saying you can yeah yeah i was like you could do it i mean like do whatever you want and then i said i said she i said 12 abortions or something and she goes why can't i have 12 i was like well you know you interrupt comedy shows clearly you make a lot of mistakes you might have to get 12 that's great i think some people just want to yell you know they're like here we go this is my chance and you're like oh you're not actually trying to like do good or have justice or save the day you just want to get something out yeah i also think people make like a prejudgment sometimes early in your set if you try to go a

little too uh you know edgy early on they're just a little bit like what do you who the hell do you think you are and you got to earn it a little more so maybe it was on me for doing it too early in the set but also i'm kind of like, let's all relax, guys. Yeah, it's a comedy show. Why are you primed already? Why are you ready to be set off? That's the weird part. Well, they might be primed

and they're going for the comedy show for the escape. So they don't want, some people don't want to be challenged. That's true. Some people just want like silliness. And so look, you know, we all want different things with entertainment, but that's why when you go to a show,

like at the cellar, you get five or six comics. They're not all going to be for you. Right, right, right. And that's okay. Just sit back. It'll last 10 minutes and you're good. Yeah. You don't have to challenge everything.

But like Michelle Wolf, a friend of ours, did the correspondence dinner years ago, and she had this whole thing about you guys hate Trump, you yell at Trump, but I think you kind of love Trump because he gives you meaning, he gives you purpose. And I think there's a lot to that. Oh, my God. I mean, you think CNN wouldn't kill for Trump right now? Exactly. They just lost Cuomo. Yeah. That was the highest rated guy. They'd love Trump right now. That's true. And then that's weird. So you say you hate him, but you actually love him. I know a couple of people who the January 6th thing happened and they were like, this is great. And you're like, I thought it was bad.

I thought it was a horrible thing and bad for America. Yeah, yeah. But they're like, oh, this is horrible. We love it. We got something that's fodder now. We got ammo. Well, once the anger is gone, you kind of have to look at yourself, right? Or you have to find something else to be angry about,

and maybe it's harder to find. Exactly. Once the anger is gone, there's sadness, I think. I think you're right there's almost like a hangover yeah hangover like a feeling of loss yes yes you get you get drunk on the uh outrage and then the hangover sets in i hope yeah or they're just like no i'm great all the time i'm right about everything yeah i feel like internalizing is is gone away a little yeah you know a lot of a lot of things are just like you suck you suck everything's bad i'm great but everything the world the country's bad but i'm great you know you're like maybe you're not great it's weird because you'd think like the internalizing would be like that's when people would blow up because it's so much pent-up rage but it's almost like people never internalize now

yeah everything's out and they still have the energy to always be angry yeah isn't that weird good point you think like the guy who blows up is like humphrey bogart one of his characters right at like age 55 when he's just like it's just like a dude who's doing that every day. Yes. Have you seen this? Right. Where does that come? I would kill for that energy. Well, you know what?

I'm with you. But I think it's inside. I think they're mad at their dad. They're mad at whatever. They're mad at something. Or themselves. So they have it. It's just this ever glowing burning inside them. They just have all this energy.

Because it's in them. They won't face that energy. When you meet people who are angry all the time and always like, well, I can't. I'm like, if you're not even, if you've never even tried therapy, I don't want to hear it. I know. Because you're taking that shit out on everyone but you.

Yeah, which is toxic. Yeah. We talk about everything's toxic, toxic, but I'm like, maybe you're toxic. I'm not saying everyone needs therapy, but you know the dude I'm talking about. Yeah. It's that guy who's like, not for me. And you're like, you're like the one dude who needs it the most right yeah totally and like i think everybody should try it you say not everybody but try it yeah it's not everybody needs it but me you never

know what you'll get out of it yeah good shrink really seems to get yeah hey we went a long time without one of those yeah what uh so that's, I'm trying to think of my record. I watched a bunch of, watched a bunch of noirs lately. A lot of good, a lot of good stuff on Criterion. I'm doing another Criterion movie because I've just been burning through them. Yeah. But dude, any Hitchcock movie, honestly. Oh yeah.

He's the king. My record is, I think, Rear Window is one of my favorites. If you haven't seen Vertigo, man. Oh, come on. That's like as good as it gets. I love that. Notorious. All those old Hitchcock movies.

Fucking rule. Yeah, yeah. The best. The camera work. The tension. He builds that tension and then just releases it. It's great. All right.

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Visit betterhelp.com slash drunk for 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash drunk for 10% off your first month. Better better help h-e-l-p.com slash drunk for 10 off your first month better help.com slash drunk sign up for better help to start living a happier life today just try it folks you don't like it don't keep going nate bergatzi jerry seinfeld you're both kooks get some therapy you chooch yeah it's good stuff i don't't know. I have so many recs. Another rec is just, you know, try to fucking relax this year. That's another rec. Like, we're all at each other's throats. Yeah.

You know, let's all try to get along. Like, you look at the country and you're just kind of like, hey, let's just fucking be people again. I know. And look, we're racist. We're're sexist we're homophobe we got our problems the border abortion like there's problems but you can get grubhub anytime you want you know we got uber eats we got netflix on the on the dial it's all right there it's all on your phone you can see the weather you can call your aunt it's all right there porn is free yeah you know a lot of heads though yeah you're right that is a bitch when you got your dick in hand they're like get your dick bigger you're

like come on i'm trying to get off how about when you get these thin hotel walls and you're like he definitely heard my computer say welcome to jerk mate i'm like jerk mate but you know it's really uh everything is there's a lot of problems, but a lot is good. A lot is good. We do tend to focus on the bad rather than the good. I think, you know. Which is a sign of good, I think. If you focus on the bad, that means you got time to focus on the bad.

I think that's the thing about when you like fight with your girlfriend, even. It's like you have a lot of fruit you both have too much free time and there's like a fight is just created right you don't fight when you're busy that's true that's true yeah you got a 15 minute window you're not working in a fight fighting is a privilege it's a privilege interesting yeah you're right you're right yeah yeah we got we got it pretty good yeah we fought for four hours last night must Must be nice. Yes, exactly. Must be nice. I was tilling a field or, you know, pulling a mule or some shit.

So, yeah. Then you hear about all this slavery in China with the Middle Easterners and all this shit. You're like, Chinese people can only be on TikTok for two hours a day or whatever. Not to pick on China. I mean, that sounds fair. That sounds pretty good, actually. I think we could all use a limit yeah i agree i mean that's like i'm obviously not but at the same time do you need to be on tiktok for more than two hours i know i know it's the same shit over and

over is that real two hours that's the limit yeah it's twerking it's cats it's it's a fist fight whatever it is uh tell me you're from the 90s without saying it like all right all right is this what we're doing you could learn the xylophone i always get the guy who's like look at this fucking breakfast burrito oh look how juicy that shit is i'm like all right dude i know look look at this shit let's see if it's the best burrito and it's fucking good yeah and that's got 18 million and you put it work on a bit for six months it's like 40 000 views it's brutal i know i can't figure out that algo you film yourself going hey i got a boner i'm farting and they go hey this is gold and then you put out a killer bid with a hot crowd nothing nothing yeah it's very strange well tiktok is one where it

just mutes everything everything i put up there just like muted really yeah i guess my shit's offensive to their algorithm i have no idea i don't know folks this ain't good all this muting and censoring like then we go to youtube then maybe they'll start censoring that's the worry honestly is like we all act like whatever like look it starts with obviously like i think the people whatever they're all fucking nuts but like it starts with that shit sometimes and you do have to worry that yeah they keep moving the goal line in well this joke wasn't good well guess what when it's uh an algorithm that can't detect sarcasm like we might say fucked up shit and we're clearly kidding yeah and then all of a sudden now we're getting buried and it is dangerous for uh self-produced content yes we rely on ticket sales we rely on eyeballs seeing it and i'm

seeing it a little bit already really i am are you not at all i guess i don't monitor that much i should i see a little bit it's definitely dropped on instagram we used to get half a million views and shit on it now it's like well it's also been oversaturated that's true too that's also so funny to be complaining about we have these like offensive jokes and we're like why didn't it do better yeah well hey i like offensive comedy i know i assume other people do too especially in this world of censor i think people want to get a little dirty yeah dude what uh what else is going where where you on? Where are you going coming up this month? I'm excited.

I'm going to West Coast a lot. I'm doing La Jolla Comedy Store. It's like the Beverly Hills of San Diego. San Diego rules, man. San Diego's amazing. The people are great. It's a great city. It's another world out there.

Every time I go to San Diego, I'm like, why don't I live here? What am I doing? This place is magical. There's palm trees. The sun is shining. The beach. Even the homeless guys look like Hugh Jackman there. It's crazy, isn't it? I know. They got full heads of hair. what am i doing this place is magical this palm trees the sun is shining the beach even the homeless guys look like hugh jackman there it's crazy i know they got full heads of hair they're rugged yeah it's true i i don't know what i'm thinking they got nice cars and beautiful women

and the drinks are flowing and the bars are full it's great and then i come back to new york and i get shit on by a pigeon i'm like all right this fits but yeah yeah i'm going to la jolla that's have you been there i love it yeah that's a great club great club magical classic club sacramento i like that club not a not a lively town sacramento i'll be there in february yeah oh nice it's it's got its charm but you got to find it i feel like a lot of dudes like look like they think they're UFC fighters in Sacramento. Yeah. I'm like, this dude's going to put me in a rear naked show because I cut him in line or something. I'm like, I didn't cut you. He's like, hmm.

Yeah. Neck tattoo. He's got the weird haircut where the sides are short. Yeah. I got, what am I? I'm in Toronto. Have you done, so you just did Vancouver. Is it weird, the customs going through security?

That was a nightmare. Really? Yeah. Well, I didn't tell you my story no oh buckle up for this one trench coat all right so got my covet test you gotta have a test within whatever 72 hours really yeah you got to do that got the test i was like that's not a big deal i get it i'm going to do another country got the test got the flight you got to connect not a big deal. I get it. I'm going to do another country. Got the test. Got the flight. You got to connect in Seattle. You can't go straight there anymore. So I was like, all right, whatever.

It's a fucking six-hour flight. You make it. I get to Seattle. I go, all right, I'm going to Air Canada. I go on to Vancouver. They go, you got your test? I go, oh, I did the test. I'm a good guy.

And you're just showing your phone? Showed up my phone, and they go, hmm, when did you get this test? I go, I don't know, Tuesday? They go, hmm, supposed to be 72 hours I go, I don't know, Tuesday. They go, it's supposed to be 72 hours. And they, 74. Oh my God. And I go, well, come on. I don't have COVID. It's 72, 74. I got your test. I did it. I just flew here from New York City, six hours cross country. And they go, 74. So I go, what do I do? They go, we can get a later flight and go get a test right now. And I'm like, well, then I'll never make the two shows. And they go, ah, sorry.

And I go, what the fuck? They go, well, you might as well get tested, and then maybe you can make it. So I got tested. There's a line to get tested. The test results take an hour. So I go, fuck it. I rent a car. I take the test, rent a car, start driving to the border.

It's a three-hour drive. I get the results after an hour and a half of driving. I'm already halfway there. Hit the border, show them the test, drove to the gig. Damn. It was a nightmare when I pulled it off. Damn. Yeah, I had to rent a car.

I get it with going to other countries now, but God, this sucks. I know. This fucking sucks. Even the passport is annoying. I'm like, oh, where the hell's my passport? Yeah, I've got that. I think now if you have the enhanced ID, you don't need a passport. Also, do you have the global entry thing?

No, I wish. Why don't you get that? You have that? Yeah. I thought you had to be a spy or a president to have that. Spy? Who's got global entry? What are you, James Bond?

What are you, Barack Obama? Who's got a... I think most comics who do the road have global entry global interest so elite it sounds like pre-checked for fucking canada really yes am i wait am i wrong here i've never heard of this global entry that sounds great that sounds like you're fucking uh foreign women yeah dude global entry frequently asked questions uh-oh i can't read that yeah what the hell either way yeah when do you how long do you think till you need glasses oh good question my dad has them i'm getting there i think really i mean look at this shit this i mean are we

supposed to be able to every time you do an eye test it gets worse i know well we've been drinking too that doesn't help the eye test uh create a trusted traveler program account i'm already out i can't make an account a hundred dollars non-refundable fees required each application they just lost norman yeah can't do it uh you will need to bring a valid passport all right all right this doesn't sound so bad it's i think it's worth it it's permanent somewhere okay you'd have this yeah how'd you do it you just went to the place to get it dmv it's wherever i got the pre-check i think i wonder if i could knock them both out one day you should do this shit man where is that global entry or enrollment center you got a uh you got

a you got an office i'll go tomorrow i got the day off hit it up dude i will matt you might need to help him with this i don't think mark's gonna do it this might be like health insurance or mark's like oh yeah do it cut to a week later he's like yeah i'm not doing yeah bro you gotta come with me i need you i need your support i gotta hold your hand the whole time anything with accounts or logins it's a lot dude my add too i'm like i'm on i'm like fuck this shit it was just so easy before you go i'd like this here's the money and there you go that was it it was a it was a transaction god it's fucking being an adult is exhausting i do feel like anytime i'm doing something that's like not comedy related i'm just like what am i doing i know i know and it's

getting bad though i'm at a barbecue with people i love and i'm like i should be writing i look at bills and i'm just like yeah i could be writing a joke i know i know bills are tough because you're losing money and it's a nightmare to do i know so it's a double whammy but you gotta do it gotta do it but like seinfeld would park anywhere and he would get tickets on his porsche and i was like oh man that sucks you got a 60 ticket he's like let's give it to my assistant they pay it i'm like oh that's pretty good i get a ticket i have sit down i got the i got a red red visor on with the with the papers going a cigar i'd like do my finances figure it all out put a stamp on it write the letter mail it in he's like

I just give it to them being a billionaire sounds good yeah it must be nice that's hilarious he just breaks the law and he's like I'll have someone else deal with it that's fucking great because we are so worried about financial um penalties he doesn't have that worry so he can just do whatever he wants I think Epstein didn't have that worry. So he can just do whatever he wants. I think Epstein didn't have that worry either. I think he just did whatever. He's like, I'll have my assistant deal with it. Yeah,

that's true. Now he's dead and she's on trial. Why can't we get that trial on air, by the way? It's weird. I was listening to one podcast that said that she's getting, her lawyer's like, he's now that he's the state couldn't keep him open and he's dead.

So there's all this anger since there's no resolution for his victims so she's kind of getting the brunt of the blame but then the other people were like but you were the assistant she was the recruiter she was the scout yeah you kind of uh greased the wheels a little here i heard she blew clooney do you hear that really that came out today yeah google that huh sounds like they were casamigos yes damn just the facts of life one fine day yeah three kings that didn't work um trying to think of anothery batman burn after reading i don't know what the hell burn after anal but yeah she did that's what i heard damn she was in a tryst boasted about tryst with cluny oh cluny man who hasn't he had well done i'm sure he's not bragging about that one no no no

giddy is a school girl after performing oral sex on clooney in a bathroom at a show business event come on that's how hot george clooney is you blow him in a bathroom and you're like girls gather around yes tell the reporters she had given cloney a blow job cloney a blow job in the bathroom at some random event. All right. She never let that one down. There you go. Billionaire's Playboy Club. Love to brag about her rendezvous with various lovers. Woo-wee. Damn.

Now, I'd like to hear that on the trial. What was his dick like? How was it? Did it smell? Were there pubes? Talk to me, jizz. There's a Playboy Club right by here. Really? I did a gig there once. yeah adam glenn you know adam

yeah good yeah he works tmz he booked me on it and he was like he's so funny because he like he's such a good schmoozer but you could tell he was like we got sam morel here to the person uh you know who runs the club he's like can we get him a membership no dues and she was like uh yeah i'll see what i could do you could tell she was like go fuck yourself right but he's like he just performed at the club but it's like they have like big he's like they have pajama parties it's all ridiculous yeah they have pajama parties dude oh man that's gonna playmates but it does feel like an out of place in time thing doesn't it it does and if we went there like as single guys they'd be like who are they yeah like why are you here yeah there's like basketball players and celebrities there and we're like hello yes and by celebrities like is that steve gutenberg the hell the hell is

this what year is this i know i'm sure gutenberg and guys like that can ride out the dad issues on some ladies like i watched police academy when i was six i thought you were so cute yeah i'm sure yeah i think they prey on that whole thing at that age yeah like bob saget i'm sure has all kinds of young girl oh my god he's married now oh okay well i'm saying in the before his marriage i bet he got a lot of like oh my god i watched you every night you know you got it dude fucking full house man yeah it was so bad he's fucking her in the ass she's like have mercy love you saget i love him he's such a good dude now you think he's living off that house full house is that just that's he's got to be royalties for decades. I think he's very well off.

Really? I mean, would you, I mean, yeah, he must be. Bob Saget, net worth. Boy, that came up right away. These are going to say we're worth 25, though, so you got to put that into account. That's bittersweet for us. Oh, 50 mil. Eh, I thought it'd be more.

I don't know. What is he, 6'3"? Okay. I bet he's got more. Yeah, I think so. I mean, you think about how long he's been famous and if you invest and two primetime shows in the 80s. Two?

America's Funniest Home Videos. Plus touring, plus movies, plus- Yeah, AFV, I forgot. Directed Dirty Work. Yeah, that's right. I'm sure that didn't bring in a big buck. But yeah. Brought in some good stories, though.

So great. Great movie. You know, I just watched the Kenny G documentary. What? I'm just curious, because you hear it. Kenny G is a punchline. He's a joke. The guy's amazing.

Was it good? It's all right. But you get to know him a little more. He's a Jew from Seattle. He's obsessed with, he's a perfectionist. He's like, I want to be the best dad. I want to be the best clarinet player. I want to be him a little more. He's a Jew from Seattle. He's obsessed with, he's a perfectionist. He's like, I want to be the best dad. I want to be the best clarinet player. I want to be the best piano player.

I want to be the best sax. He's a golfer. He's a pilot. I mean, the guy's a nightmare. Wow. He just never stops. I mean, the guy is very impressive. He invested in Starbucks before anybody.

That was another couple of mil he made. Great sax. Can do all the genres. It's incredible. It's an eye-opener. Because all you hear about it, this guy, oh, he's a goof. He's Kenny G with the hair and the sax and the music. You know, he's in the dentist's office.

You're getting a cavity filled. But the guy is a genius. It is weird where they play his music. I know. That's got to be rough. That's like if you're an artist and you're really successful, but your work is known for, is weird where they play his music i know that's got to be rough that's like if you're an artist and you're really successful but your work is known for like a lakinta right right all right yeah yeah you're the waiting room at a gyno yeah that's like yanni or something yeah who's yanni he's a greek guy he's does uh he does the sounds of stuff what what is

it i don't know tell us that bit about him oh really well they did all these jokes they played a string of jokes about um like snl and all these guys making fun of kenny g and he's like yeah it sucks but i'm i'm awesome he's very like uh sure of himself oh okay yeah which i don't have that if a bunch of news stories are not news story but like comedy shows were about you and they were shitting on you. Yeah, that would hurt. I'd be crushed. That'd be tough.

Look at these guys with the hair. What are they thinking? You have to be very confident. They don't have a lot of friends going, you sure? That's what it is. You need some of those friends. Think about if we rolled into the comedy cellar with hair. I mean, first of all, I don't have hair like that, so I can't.

No, we go up. But if you did, oh, yeah, I'll look like a racer head if this shit keeps going. Right, right. Look at that guy. Imagine rolling in with that hair. They'd just be like, well, look at this pretty boy. You just get fucking railed. I have that at the Gap.

I'm in the green room. I don't know, the dressing room. Like, oh, look at this jacket. It's like a leather jacket. Then I just hear every high school friend going, what are fucking crazy a piece of shit you can't pull that off and i take it right off they followed you to go shopping yeah they're still there uh yeah no man it's i'm with you i put on a jacket i'm just like who do you think you are i know who the fuck do you think you are just you know you gotta we gotta push through we gotta grow up kenneth

apparently a detective. But apparently I'm on Law and Order SVU with this one. Is that Count Chocula? I'm a vampire hunter. Yeah, but look at him. He's a walking punchline, but he's very sure of himself. He's confident. His name's Kenneth Gordlick.

He's obsessed with music. He said he practices three hours a day still. He looks like a number two pencil with a hairnet or something. It's like fucking two hours a day. Three. That's a lot. Still goes. Still going. Well, I mean, that's how you become one of the best.

That's what it is. Yeah. What channel is the doc on? HBO is doing this whole music box thing and it's got like everybody. But they're picking interesting people to use. Kenny G, I think they're doing a whole run of people who are, you wouldn't think about music, but they're huge. When is HBO going to become global? They're not?

No. I think Netflix and YouTube are the only global ones. Really? I think that's why those comedy specials just don't do as well. Yeah, I guess you're right. I don't know. I thought they were global. HBO.

They have like 40 million subscribers compared to Netflix, like 210 million. Oh, wow. Yeah, crazy. But how many of those are stolen passwords? You know? I mean, they've got to cut that in half. Really? I'm not paying for it.

Are you? Netflix? No, I'm not. That's like the only one I don't pay for. That's my dad's account. I pay for all the others. Yeah, I don't pay for any. Really?

And I steal cable outside of that. You should keep saying this. Oh, yeah, you're right. You're going to be in court. They're like, he steals cable you're like no i don't roll the footage i steal cable i steal every episode matt you and i steal cable well when's the last time you watched live tv on your tv set i mean i know sports i'll do sports oh sports yeah that's it no news i do news but i do the channels that come with my tv so it's like i have

a samsung so you get like cbs news you get like you get you get those right right yeah i don't really watch cable news much occasionally on the road i do it's just it's like noise in the hotel yeah well you get why kids don't do it because you go through the guide and you're like there's nothing on it's like ginsu knives uh fucking what's that c-span you know it's horrible you know it's weird you're like it's like russian roulette but they're all bullets right you know it just sucks you're like how are these all fucking bad um it's true golden girls is on you know then you got to sit through commercials there's nothing good on there yeah it's weird it's like uh it's kind of like pandora where you're like just hope but it's like pandora for shit you don't like yeah you're at least you put in something

you like but you know you you're kind of giving this random shit and you're like i mean there is a weird satisfaction though when you're flipping and you land on something you like that is nice like same with the radio if you're just like because you don't use a radio much either anymore but if you if you just like you're doing it and then you hit like oh shit teenage wasteland that was you know what i mean yeah that's a good point or like you're scrolling on tv and you're like oh office rerun that's cool but it's so fucking but then you think about you're like i could just pick any episode of whatever exactly on any you know you just look where it's streaming but i guess there is that excitement factor i know and that's where i gotta cool it because

i'll be like these kids today and then i just slowly wean off too i become like them because it's just it's better it's better but then also it's like we talk about how expensive cable is but then how many like streamers do you have to buy to watch what you want you know i know that's how they get you did you ever have a kid like we didn't have cable growing up for a while my dad's like we don't need that and then eventually we got it. But I wonder if there's kids now who are like, come on, dad, get Netflix. We're watching TV here. I think the reason Disney is number two is because of kids.

Oh, well, I hope so. Kids are special needs adults. Who else is watching? Just a 60-year-old man in a turtleneck. Honey, do you want to watch Hawkeye the series yeah exactly um yeah no it's uh it's fucking weird it's i guess disney channel was huge for i mean they could just parents just put it on and you're like but they have all the marvel stuff and they have i mean they do have simpsons you know they do yeah that's the big thing that for like guys like But yeah, they have the Beatles thing.

That's Disney? That's Disney Plus. Whoa. They do have some stuff, but yeah, it's mostly for kids. And I think they have ESPN. They own ESPN. I don't know if they have it on this. Maybe they have some.

They own it. They have like- Scary when Disney starts owning shit. Well, you get that nostalgia shit where you get like the X-Men. Remember the X-Men cartoon? Oh, I love that. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I nostalgia shit where you get like the X-Men. Remember the X-Men cartoon? Oh, I love that. Wolverine was like a comic. Oh, yeah.

Cyclops was like a fucking perfectionist. Wolverine was like the bad boy who just didn't play by the rules. Yes. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah, one of the rare comics with stubble. Yeah, dude. You know, he was grungy. He was gritty.

He had edge. He was short, too. He was short. He was angry he was short he was short too yeah short guys are pissed and then he had you know could heal really quickly which uh after a few of these i wish i had yeah i know you never got hung over good point they never talk about that well you got herpes like i'll be good girls like hey i'm clearing up as we speak i got chlamydia he's like i'll still fuck you she's like you better wear a condom he's like ah wolverine did not wear condoms no no there was two he was like the first depressed uh superhero we were exposed to yeah but you got to watch out for the fingering easy wolfie you're on your period no i'm not shit i think i just

killed you yeah he was he was like a depressed superhero he's always like sad you're right what happened his mom died something happened he was just he was just he never got the girl it's like cyclops got the girl he was just like a sad though that was a good show that was a good show professor x was in a wheelchair beast was was smart. Gambit was fun. Loved Gambit. As a New Orleans guy, Gambit was big because he had the cards and, how you doing, shit? I guarantee.

You know, they made him all Cajun-y. Oh, Gambit fucking rocked. Yeah. It's funny how comic books, we shit on them. Like, oh, this guy's a comic book guy. He's a nerd. He's a virgin. He can't get laid. Get out of the basement.

You live with your mom. But then they make so much money. So then like you get Hugh Jackman into it. Yeah, well, nerds make money. I mean, look at tech. Look at tech. Nerds run the world. Nerds run the world.

Zuckerberg's a nerd. Yeah, I think that was a flip. You know, like revenge of the nerds was like a crazy idea. It's a comedy. Revenge of the nerds. Get a crazy idea it's a comedy revenge of the nerds get out of here come on nerds would win then you rewatch it there's at least two rape scenes in that movie you're like all right this ain't good they're like panty raid you're like that's you can't do a panty raid is like that's over yeah that's over or the one where he just like bangs her in the boyfriend's costume i'm like you tricked a woman in the bank this is crazy and

then he ate her out as is uh that's basically the houdini remember the houdini but then at the end they play queen we are the champions they're like yeah fuck it they they earned it you know that movie was uh i loved it as a kid oh for sure yeah john goodman the bad guy yeah lamar remember he had the big can we get that song when the nerds yeah clap your hand everybody with anthony edwards that dude are we gonna get demonetized if we do that we might and fuck it don't do it now they're gonna have a movie called revenge of the of the jocks they have to go the other way the nerds are bullying them you'll never get into college like these fucking nerds yeah Yeah, right.

You don't know how to do taxes. They're in a huddle for football. The girls are blowing the nerds because they're like, he's going to be really successful. Guys, we got to win this game. We need a scholarship. That's true. They're like, you don't know how to do Robin Hood, Bitcoin? What a fucking retard.

Yeah, you're right. They made four of those. They really started slipping. Remember Booger? Booger was the fucking man. I loved Booger. They had a 10-year run, 84're right. They made four of those. They really started slipping. Remember Booger? Booger was the fucking man. I loved Booger. They had a 10-year run, 84 to 94. Three and four were pretty terrible.

I didn't even know about those. I watched them all as a kid. Wow. Number two, Barry Sobel. That's right. Big part. He had a run. Yeah, dude.

We know Barry Sobel. We know him. Not bragging. I mean, that guy was a phenom in the 80s uh stand-up comic did carson blew it out friends with tom hanks open for eddie murphy that's right yeah it was punchline i used to walk around the city with barry sobel and he all these black guys like barry sobel so i'm like every you know every black guy is like i did eddie murphy show once and that was it.

What is, can you pull up his thing on Dr. Katz? I wonder if they have that Barry Stone on Dr. Katz. Oh, talk about a throwback. Dr. Katz. Dr. Katz was the shit. Oh, Barry with an E. Oh, it's an A. There we go. There he is.

Dr. Katz. Dr. Katz was a show on Comedy Central that had squiggly lines. Oh, can you pull that up with you? There we go. Are they going to kill us? Because Comedy Central is a bunch of cheapskates. One sympathetic place in the world, you go to the person behind the counter whose job it is to help you. I say, you know, I've lost my luggage, typical New York style.

The person goes, yeah, that's all I need now, you and your bags. What do you want me to pick up the airport and shake it till your bags fling out? Who am I, Kreskin? What am I, Uri Geller? Shirley MacLaine in the head? What am I, the magician David Copperballs? What? What is this, the psychic bags balls network?

Did you know your bags went to San Jose? Excuse me. No, no, excuse me. I think you're a little out of line. Hey, here's something. You know what your bags went to San Jose? Excuse me. No, no, excuse me. I think you're a little out of line. Here's something. You know what your bags look like, and you can't find them. I don't know what they look like. Ah, man.

Barry Sobel. Huge. That was entertainment back in the 90s. Dr. Kiss. Oh, fun show. And a brilliant joke writer, by the way. I love his stuff. He used to do a joke about, I just did for the uh the survivors of the last benefit i did

wow that's his yeah that's great classic i think he's in a wheelchair now i think he's ms oh damn he was so funny so that show was incredible great show i love him i love him telling the joke and dr guys goesest goes, what? Yeah. I mean, it's so funny. What is such an underrated punchline? What? What? Yeah, that's gold.

Do you have any bits you're working on? Oh, boy. You should have asked. I'm backlogged. I finally had like a rush of creativity. Me too. It took long enough for me. I got two.

Hmm. The question is which one? I'll try this try this one yeah i'm in the same boat so i got this car now and i'm like i'm actually trying to invest in the car like i'm changing the oil i'm putting fluids in it i'm like trying to be hands-on with the car and it makes you love the car more you know i'm out there and it made me realize thank god babies take nine months because if you could make a baby in five minutes as a woman they'd all be in the dumpster because you need that time to fall in love with it you work hard for it you have the labor labor of love you know and like imagine you're like oh i got a hot date tonight i'm pregnant i'll make one when it's over. You know, if a baby was that easy to make, you wouldn't care about it as much.

Interesting. That's all I got. Yeah, yeah. If a baby were that easy to make, you wouldn't give a shit. Yeah, it's like fast food versus a gourmet meal. Right. You really prepare it. Yeah, you care about it because this took care, this took work.

Yes, which is probably why so many men leave because they didn't do any of the work they just got off you know and the baby is done but she was like i love this thing you're just gonna leave the family and he's like i'm good why your mom gets so mad when you don't appreciate a meal she worked really hard yes exactly that took me eight hours i'm sorry it's good yeah good. Yeah, yeah. I got to go. I got to see my friends. But the baby takes so long to make for a woman that they love it. Thank God.

It would be horrible if they were made in five minutes because you just keep making them. I'll make another one. But the fact that it's hard to do makes you appreciate it. I don't know if they throw them in the dumpster if they make it. But like, yeah, you would keep trying. Yeah. This one looks weird. Yes, exactly.

I could just knock this out again in five minutes. But the process of it makes it really worth something. That's all I got. But I feel like there's something there. I could play with that. And this is starting with the car. Yeah, it could start with anything, but the car is where I got the idea. It's satisfying.

The baby is... It's like a rich kid who's given everything. He doesn't appreciate it. Then he ends up on opioids, you know, because he's got no... It's the satisfaction of something comes from the working on it. Right. But I don't know. That's the angle because the dad is satisfied, too, I think. What do you mean?

Because he got off? No, because there's a baby. I don't think he's not happy with the baby. I think so. I think that's tough. Right. Right. The dad.

Well, the dad stays with the woman and the wife or whatever, and they work on it together. She's pregnant. He's helping her. Then he's invested. That's true. So he's like the sous chef. Yeah, there you go. She's the chef.

He's like seasoning. She's really doing the heavy lifting. Right, right. But then the dad is like, I'll do the dishes, you know? Yes. That's like the diaper. Right, yeah. That's a good aspect, the cook part.

It is like a meal you labor over. Yes. And you care more about it. You get Grubhub, you're like, ah, there it is. You know, ah, it's good. But if you really sit there with the food and the sauce and the seasoning and prepare it, it means more to you. Well, the takeout is kind of like a one-night stand. You got the wrappers.

Yes. You toss it out right right imagine a one-night stand call and you go i'm pregnant you're like oh that was you know that was a pizza you know i'm done yeah i don't know could be something there's something here okay i think the idea of like you're invested but then i'm trying to think of like an adoption angle too because you know you're like you care because you did the work but you also like oh that's good but then also if you can't get a meal you're grateful for a meal yeah i'm trying to think of oh yeah i don't know i'm trying to open this up we'll work for food yeah yeah well i think that adoption process is a nightmare yeah so you almost kind of earn it there too and you can't have a baby yourself so it does mean more yeah there's something here for sure yeah okay okay i'll noodle i like the adoption angle tell me if you've heard this before

because i'm like i like this idea and i don't know if it's been done before it sounds like maybe someone could have done i want to make sure they haven't so there you saw that congressman holding all the guns no there was that picture that congressman you you saw what i'm talking about right i don't think with this family the whole family's holding the rifles is this the the shooter in michigan no that was the crumbly or whatever that was a different thing um yeah you saw this well i did not see this oh really well i was doing a thing about how like these people when they post gun pictures they always act like they're responsible gun owners but like you're posting it because you think you look cool like it's like if you're responsible how come these people never post a picture with a fire extinguisher oh like you never see them

post just like a fire extinguisher like i hope i never have to use this but if i do i'll fucking do it dude yeah that's true you know like that's yeah have you heard something like that no i like it okay and fire extinguishers have a safety on it too yeah i one of the lines was i'll spray a whole school i don't give a shit yeah that's not it though that's not what i'm going right right i can do better than that but i think like there's something there right i love that yeah and that's a firearm and the fire extinguisher maybe your arms on fire you got to put it out. I'm reaching. There's something here.

Yeah, I love that. They talk about responsibility. That's the angle. Yeah. And you're just like, this isn't about responsibility. This is you think you look cool. Yeah. No one's holding up condoms.

Yeah. No one's posting an Instagram picture with a divorce lawyer. I'm happily married, but just in case. Just in case I have to use this. Yeah. Fire extinguisher is funny, though, because it's also an object that shoots. Exactly. I like that a lot.

That's big. Should we plug dates? Oh, yeah. I mean, do we get it in? Oh, okay. I'm in Toronto, I believe. This comes out the first week of January, so I'll be here on Friday. And that's January 7th at some theater.

I forgot. It's on my website. One night only, baby. So I hope I see you. Or maybe we added one. Hopefully we added one. Who the hell knows? But yeah, I'll be there.

I'll be at Richmond, Virginia, Sandman, January. I'll be at Timonium, Maryland, Hartford, Connecticut, Sacramento, Columbus, Ohio. I think we're going to add an L.A. date. Hopefully add San Diego and Houston at some point. We'll see. Samorell.com slash shows. And the big one is Beacon Theater, May 7th. You better come out, baby.

New York City. Hell yeah. Can't beat that Beacon. That's going to be epic. You got to go to that. I hope you guys come out in New York. Go support. And email us stuff. We. You got to go to that. I hope you guys come out in New York. Go support. And email us stuff.

We might be drunkpod at gmail.com. Wrecks, peeves, jokes, drinks, whatever. Mark, where are you going to be? Here, here. Yes, yes. Send us anything you got. To the Patreon. Packages to Gotham Studios on 38th Street.

I'm at Sacramento Punchline. Then the Stress Factory in Connecticut. Tulsa, Oklahoma. They got a new club now. Oh, nice. Cincinnati Funny Bone, the Liberty. A little outside of Cincinnati, let's be honest. 30, 40 minutes outside.

They do a good job there. They do. It's a good room. It's a good time. Good staff. And all kinds of fun stuff. I'm blanking. Oh, I'm doing Kentucky. Something in Kentucky. Lexington? Not Lexington. They got a new one'm blanking. Oh, I'm doing Kentucky.

Something in Kentucky. Lexington? Not Lexington. They got a new one. Louisville. Oh, just opened? Yeah, just opened. That's a cool city.

So come out to that. I never go to Kentucky. I've never been there. I hear it's cool. Yeah, can't wait. Love Kentucky. Underrated state. All kinds of good stuff.

MarkNormanComedy.com, Syracuse, and also La Jolla, and... Oh, there's one more. Dot com Syracuse and also La Jolla. And. Oh, there's one more. Kansas City. There it is. I pulled it out of my ass. And thank you. We love you.

Appreciate it. Happy New Year. Praise Allah. Comedy. Thank you. so so Thank you.