We Might Be Drunk - Ep 57: Coquito

Episode Date: January 10, 2022

Coquito Recipe: 14 oz Condensed milk 16 oz Rum 2 Egg yolks 28 oz Coconut milk Vanilla, to taste Support the show and get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code DRUNK at Manscaped.com.   Mark Normand and Sam Morril can be seen on the road at a club near you. Visit MarkNormandComedy.com and SamMorril.com for more details! Join the Patreon for bonus episodes weekly and more bonus content: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod Send us emails [e-mail] Send us mail: Gotham Podcast Studio 39 West 38th Street, 10th Fl New York, NY 10018

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Hey folks, here we are, we might be drunk, we're doing doing it it's the new year yeah yeah 2022 baby here we are some of us are going away so uh backlogging a little yeah yeah you got that right you've been good i've been good i did a whole southern run and uh just over the weekend i went to atlanta i think rented a car drove to charlotte that's gonna be back oh man how was charlotte i was there the week before you great club but just like you we we had a killer crowds like those crowds were like i could do a special here yeah and then the saturday late

show was like fucking bachelorette trunk lady got thrown out for standing up and yelling yeah the let's go brandon shit started going i mean it was uh it was babysitting yeah we some of these crowds you're like don't be so the south for a second i know you do get that shit where you get like uh and look i get it like you see some shit it's like coming to new york and you see a homeless guy like take a shit right in front of you and you're like all right like you're rubbing it in yeah you know what i mean that's what happened there was a there was a crowd of uh this happened to me in springfield missouri there was a woman who she's heckling me shit face at one point she goes you're not bad looking for a jew and i was like wow i mean this is you guys are just going in huh wow man that's kind of a

compliment it is a compliment but it's also not. Yes, of course. I had the ladies talking on the right, and I go, come on. And they all went like this. And I'm like, I'm the bad guy? You guys are fucking twats. You're killing me here. You come here, you're all dressed up. They got like eight bottles of champagne on the table.

I'm like, get out of here. You're going to die alone. That is a good one, the die alone. We were talking about that shit with DeRosa last week. It's so true that you just go to you're going to die alone. Maybe it was two weeks ago. Because that's – I had like this woman in Miami. It's like – to the clubs, in the club's defense, they don't quite know.

Because I'm getting enough laughs for a while that they're like, oh, he's working off this. But then there's a point where it just turns. Yes. Like this woman, I'm drinking a glass of wine on stage. The club was very nice. They got me a natural wine in the green room. I'm like, hey, Gary Veeder and I, he hates it, but I'm drinking it. Yeah.

And I'm like, it's kind of fun to get a little wine buzzed in Miami. Sure. You go out there. This woman keeps heckling me. She goes, I like boxed wine. You know, I'm like, all right. What a thing to brag about, by the way. I'm like, all right, you're trash, whatever. I'm like, all right. What a thing to brag about, by the way. I'm like, all right, you're trash, whatever.

And I'm like, what do you brag about riding the bus? You know, it's like, she's just like, I like boxed wine. I'm like, sure. I mean, doesn't it hurt you? It was going on and on for a long time. And then finally gets to a point where I'm like, all right, lady. We get it. And I kind of gotten, you know when you get that one applause and you're like, well, this should be over.

This is peaked. It's not getting any better. And then she she comes back but boxed wine's better and i'm like oh my god this chick this is your big uh stamp on on the world is boxed wine nobody gives a shit she's in a blackout and she's not gonna remember and all she's gonna remember the next day is like i was funny yeah exactly i talked to the comedian it was really funny and she'll talk to one self-aware friend like, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah, hopefully. Probably not.

They probably don't have that friend. You stole the show. You were great. The whole box wine thing. You got to do a show about that. That's hilarious how you just say you like a thing. Yeah. That's the show.

Box wine is such... I like handicap hookers. What are you talking about? That's not a point of pride, box wine. Yeah, it's terrible speaking of booze though oh yeah we got a we got a special guest bartender here hey guys how we doing hey this is jamie the bear jew transitioned half jew yeah half jew half cuban puerto rican puerto rican oh i was just in miami i assume

everyone's cuban right now kosher, but I was a great punk band Have you maybe Jew and Puerto Rican is like as New York as it gets to me, right? Where else would those two people meet it's perfect good point be New York. I love it. It's a west side story Yeah, I'm the result of that having a happy ending. Yeah I heard the new movies great. I heard you good It's good crying and singing for three hours, but I don't think it's that long. It was really, really good. Three hours?

No, it's a little over two, but it's really good. Two hour plus for musical movies a lot. I know, but the lyrics are so good. It's really worth it. It is. Yeah, baby. I usually hate remakes. Yeah, me too.

But this was killer. I felt like it was a sleeper. I felt like I'd been hearing a lot about this and that. I didn't feel like I heard too much buzz. Yeah, me too. But this was killer. I felt like it was a sleeper. I felt like I'd been hearing a lot about this and that. I didn't feel like I heard too much buzz about this. I know. They probably didn't need to. It's Spielberg. They're like, people are going to see it.

It's Spielberg. True. You know what I like when movies do this? They're advertising just West Side Story. You don't see Spielberg. You don't see any of the actors. You're like, the name is enough. I love that.

That's kind of cool. It's a relatively unknown cast, except for Tony, I think. Who's Tony? The baby driver guy. Oh. Andrew Elgort. Your cousin? We're related.

Oh, you are? Yeah. He's on the other side. He's a good guy. And you didn't know he was in that movie? Of course I knew he was in it. Oh, bad. No, I've seen the ads.

No, good for him. He's not bad looking for a Gentile. Imagine being Spielberg's PR person. Just sit back. I know. What a gig. He's just in Peru right now, haven't we? He's doing ayahuasca.

He's just on vacation. He doesn't care. He's just on Epstein's Island, kicking back, living life. He's like, don't promote this either. All right, so what do you got cooking for us here, J-Mo? So, of course, a traditional Puerto Rican drink that we have over the holidays. And it's good all year round, but you probably already did eggnog, right? We did.

I actually thought that I saw you outside the cellar. I thought you mentioned that you wanted to make an eggnog. So I didn't know what you were making, but I was expecting eggnog. Well, it's not eggnog, but they call it Puerto Rican eggnog. It's called coquito. Oh. Yeah. It doesn't know it's dead

I see so normally not how you want your penis described I brought like what's in it because I wanted to explain why it's different from eggnog So eggnog is really eggs milk and sugar and then you put in like the booze and cinnamon and everything So yeah, like the ingredients of a cake without flour. Right. So this is coconut based. So we have coconut milk. You have to have coconut milk.

Ooh. Creme de coco and sweetened condensed milk. Damn. And a American rum. And that's why it's there. Damn. And then you can kind of like experiment with the rest. So eggnog also can be whiskey as well, right?

Yeah, you can do bourbon or rum or whiskey, whatever. I think in the, like when it was created, it was originally had with whiskey. Yeah, that's how I do it. Back from the 13th century, like Britain, it's like really old. Wow. Because Puerto Rican. There's a lot of salmonella going around in those days. We haven't cracked this yet.

And then the Americans came and put booze in it. I think they just had it without for a while, just like a warm grog. The English just had it with them. But it helps you sleep. It's like one of those before-bed drinks. Yeah. So they boozed it up, and then there was some riot in the 1800s called the Eggnog Riots. Really?

Yeah. Wow. It sounds kind of like the first Santa Con. It was just a bunch of Americans getting wasted around Christmastime on eggnog, and I think that's why it became a Christmas time treat. Wow. I didn't know that. Look at that.

Fun fact. The eggnog riot. That's been around a long time. But Coquito has only been around since like the night. It's only a 1900s thing. Okay. And so, yeah. So what I have here.

Best names in Puerto Rico. Mofumbo and Coquito. Mofungo. Mofungo. Sorry. Okay. It's not a great dish. We're going to figure it all out.

No, it's not a fish. So what's in this is actually the mix, and then the rum is here, and I'm going to mix these two together because it's actually a lot of work to catch this, but I'll explain what's in it. Like I said, you have the creme de coco, the sweetened condensed milk, coconut milk. This is a canned food drive right here. I know. Where's the Goya? What is it, Thanksgiving? No, I did not want to bring the Goya. I did Coco Lopez.

Okay. All right, all right. Coco Lopez is my drug dealer. So all that's in it, plus some vanilla and then cinnamon nutmeg. And you can experiment with how you want to make it. Otherwise, I went to a Coquito competition, actually. Damn. Bacardi threw, and I tried like 10 different coquitos under 10 minutes because I was late

and I wanted to make a fair judgment of which one I thought was best, so I got hammered and fell very full. I appreciate it. So I'm going to mix these two now because I already kind of pre-batched this at home. Oh, boy. So, yeah, let me shake it up because it gets thick.

Yeah. You know how these drinks go. The David Tell joke, eggnog, or as I call it, elf cum. Slap it down your own back. Yeah. Oh, look at that. She's a comedy fan. She's a comedy fan.

I love a tell. Oh, yeah. David Tell's the best. He's the king. I'm like, we're just going to go for it here. I floated him doing this, and he said it'll come on the new year. Ooh! I'm going to see him at Caroline's.

He always does the holidays at Caroline's. That's right. There's no one better. Yeah. I mean, there's's no one better. Yeah. I mean, there's no better holiday thing to do. I mean, so we are pre-recording this because of a lot of us going away. But yeah, the Attell, Caroline. I saw him do that when I was in high school.

Wow. So that's how long Dave has been doing that. I have, this is going to sound so fucking cheesy. I have an autographed playbill of his from like 2004 i love it yeah i wasn't a comic yet wow you still have it i think it says thanks david tell oh i love it david tell a great line uh doug stanhope was doing carolines and david tell walks in because he's a fan and stanhope from the stage goes what are you doing here david he goes i was walking down broadway i heard a white voice coming out of Caroline's.

I had to see who it was. They book a lot of urban acts. But yeah, he's the king. The king, man. Oh, I'm excited for this. Oh, boy. I can always add more, too. Oh, look at that.

Oh, look at the garnish. I'm not a pro bartender Yeah. Oh, look at that. Look at the garnish. This is. I'm not a pro bartender, but, you know, I know a couple things. Yeah. Henry Hill said they used to shave a guy's head and use it on his head, one of those cheese graters. What? To torture him. Wow.

I need that for my dandruff. Garnish that with a cinnamon stick. Oh, my God. There we go. This looks legit. Looks like my old days. Thank you. Oh, wow. Oh, man. In This looks legit. It's like my old days. Thank you. Oh, wow.

Oh, man. Hey, hey, cheers. Call this a baby batter on the rocks. All right. She's all right. They're not allowed in Texas. Dude. That is stupid good.

Welcome. Oh, my God. Welcome to the Puerto Rican side. Sally, you should really have one of these. You want one? Can I have just a tiny shot? Yeah. Just on the lip. Welcome. Oh, my God. Welcome to the Puerto Rican side of the heart. Sally, you should really have one of these. Do you want one? Can I have just a tiny shot? Yeah. Just on the lip.

Woo. Hit the glasses. Gizomiglasses.com. This is a very mature podcast we do here. Yes. Woo, that's delightful. Oh, it is good. I went to a Cuban restaurant in Miami called Versailles.

Have you heard of this? I've heard of this. Oh, my God. Somebody told me to go there. I'm with Vitor, so he just orders like eight things. He's such a Jew on the road. He's like, we got to try everything. You're four foot one.

What are you doing? Thank you so much. Thank J-Mo. This is delightful. This is insanely good. Puerto Rican eggnog. I have two of these. I don't know my kids.

Coconut milk. This seems like underrated in a cocktail. Agreed. Damn. This tastes like the holidays right here. Puerto Ricans and Thailand love coconut. Everything on Thai is coconut. Coconut milk, coconut curry coconut curry yeah you're

right the thai yeah they oh man all those curries man coconut shrimp what what are you red or green or you go massaman i'm red all day yeah i like it spicy yeah um i gotta give can i give you a peeve oh geez where yeah we just got started here is it too soon for a peeve? Oh, jeez. We just got started here. Is it too soon for a peeve? No, I can always do a peeve. I wanted to hear a little bit about that. A peeve's like a drink. It's never too early. Well, it's related to Miami, so I'll work my way up.

But yeah, Versailles, first off, look up their Cuban sandwich. Uh-oh. It's insane. I've got to be honest. I was kind of looking for something more traditional, but Vida pushed me hard on the Cuban. And I wanted something like ropa vieja, one of the, you know, beef things. But yeah, look at that.

Look at that. Damn. It's like a panini with edge. I love a good panini, man. Oh, yeah. But look at that. You get the... Cuban's never been like my go-to sandwich,

but when you get one done right... It's great. Because you get a cheap Cuban, it's kind of crap. It's shit. You get a good one, like the right pork Because you get a cheap cube and it's kind of crap. It's shit. You get a good one, like the right pork and the mustard and the pickle and the cheese. You're like, that's a fucking killer. And for some reason, you don't feel as weighed down as if you just had barbecue or something.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. How often are you getting pork on a sandwich? I guess you have a ham sandwich. Pork roll. Pork roll? What's that? That's like a Jersey thing, right?

I don't know pork roll. What is pork roll? Sounds like a blues musician. Old pork roll pork roll what's that like a jersey thing right i don't know pork roll sounds like a blues musician old pork roll you played the sax yeah what uh yeah let's see oh yeah there's a cuban place in in soho that everybody loves what's it called god i can't think of it's always got a line out the door it's a little hipstery look at that it's a cuban joint it. It's always got a line out the door. It's a little hipstery. Look at that. It's a Cuban joint in Soho. Always got a line around it. They do a big brunch, too. Oh, I can't think of it.

Very popular. Give it a goog. What is this? This is the pork roll. Oh, okay. That looks good. Egg meat muffin. Yeah.

I guess for some reason pork is okay on breakfast sandwiches, but we don't do it as much. It's more of a supporting player. It's the turkey club. The bacon's there, but it's in a William H. Macy type role. It's not- Strong supporting. It's strong supporting, right? But we're not getting-

You're not in a lot of the leads. But then you got pulled pork, which is all pork. Pulled pork is good. But again, if you get it done wrong, that's just one ticket to Diarrhea City. It's terrible. I got one ticket to Diarrhea City. Any money. Is it Cafe Habana?

That's it. That's it. Should have put that together. This is insane. Delightful. And you drink too many of these, though. You're going gonna shit out you know

a Pillsbury Doughboy yeah I mean speaking of Diarrhea City I'm gonna have to have a second one of these they're really good oh yeah Salakies

what do you think Peters you want one of these Diarrhea City oh shit we gotta get one for our producer Matt Peters the man behind the scenes

it's a huge hit now what are you pouring in there so this is the mix that I made oh you made that yeah oh and put it in a bar from Matt Peters, the man behind the scenes. It's a huge hit. Now, what are you pouring in there? So this is the mix that I made with all these things. Oh, you made that? Yeah. Oh, and put it in a bar. I see.

That's a big thing that Puerto Ricans do is once they make coquito, they just put it back in the rum bottle and gift it to you. Oh. So you'll just see a lot of like Bacardi-filled coquito bottles. I like it.

Yeah. Nice. And there was Bacardi spiced and gold mixed into this. But you can use whatever Puerto Rican rum you want. It doesn't have to be those. But I just like the flavor of Bacardi Spice and gold mixed into this. But you can use whatever Puerto Rican rum you want. It doesn't have to be those. But I just like the flavor of Bacardi Spice. Now, I got to ask, you're Puerto Rican and Jewish. What do you feel closer to?

Right. It depends. Like, today I've got the hoops and the hair slicked back. I'm drinking Coquito, so 90% Puerto Rican. But you're hanging out with me. Yeah, exactly. So there's that 10% that's like, got that same like i like that that's just become a stereotype about jews like we're just annoyed or annoying yeah those are like the stereotypes now i grew up like in a big jewish neighborhood lower east side right

behind kosar's bialy's and the pickle guys and yeah so yeah i felt very jewish even your your neighborhood was puerto rican jew Like, you're exactly your environment. Which of your parents is Puerto Rican? My dad. Your dad's Puerto Rican, your mom is Jewish. So my mom's, like, just angry. And I'm in therapy. A one-man show.

I'm sure, though, back then, a Puerto Rican was pretty exotic. Puerto Rican was pretty exotic. Not exotic, but like, it's a sexy, swarthy Latino for a disgusting, nebbishy Jewish woman. Oh, yeah. She was on a mission. Jesus, Mark. Mark, what the fuck? Mark's talking about Jews like we're on Animal Planet or something.

What the hell? But she kind of did poach it out. Sorry, what? She picked him up at the gym, so she was poaching. Oh, okay. She said it was between him and a Jamaican guy. Wow. Damn. So she was after it, you know?

Wow. Shit, that's a horny Jewish. I don't think she worked out. I don't think she ever went. Puerto Rican or Jamaican? Right, right. Jamaican. Jamaican.

Yeah. Is that a big thing Jews and Jamaicans There's gotta be at least One There's gotta be one I don't think it's like A huge Crossover

No no You don't see a lot of Hebrew bobsled Wait No Wait no That's cool runnings That's why

You don't see a lot of Hebrew reggae Sure But what about This is a rich girl That's great Sure but most reggae Is too chill.

Jews, we're too whiny, you know? Right. You think of like Bob Marley, you know, he's just like, Buffalo soldier. We just be like, what's with this soldier? What's going on here, man?

It's true. What's going on here? I'm a lot of weed, don't you think? It's a little too much weed. I really do turn into like my most Jewish self when I smoke weed because the voices just pop in where they're like who do you think you are it's like your mother where you're like shame on you right you're this high you think you're gonna go anywhere in your career when you're this high i'm like oh it's funny because i turn jewish when i'm

smoke weed too really get your act together what are you doing you suck you got to start reading more yeah so yeah we will weed i think it like taps into your worst uh insecurities for some people some people it works oh yeah i'm not one of those people i wish i was these guys are wake and bake and all that shit do you wish you were that person though well that's a good point but they smoke and they're like ah it's almost like medicine for them and i'm like man that must be nice because it looks good this sounds horrible mark's like i would like that doesn't that sound horrible they wake up they need it's like oh thank god i'm high and like that sounds like a fucking nightmare that's a good point but you ever eat adderall you ever ever ever had an adderall yeah yeah well like some i have an adderall and i'm like whoa shit i'm all i'm bouncing off the walls i'm cleaning

the vacuum cleaner and been putting together a transmission but other people take an adderall they're like all right and i think it's the same with weed yeah i think i'm one of those people yeah i think i'm one of those adderall people i take one i'm like now i can focus really yeah oh i'm you know i'm vacuuming the roof really oh yeah i'm just like roadrunner sonic the hedgehog crazy shit so. Whatever happened to Sega? Sega had a fucking run. They had a run? Remember Sonic and all that shit? They don't have a system anymore, I don't think. That was my thing.

I wasn't at Mario. I was always playing Sonic. Sonic? Yeah. Interesting. Tails was such a... My older brother would be like, you can be Tails. I'd be like, oh, fun.

I get to chase you. Yeah, I get to be Robin. Thanks. Robin at least was there. Tails, you could get off screen. I'm like, where is he? And he's like, we left him behind. Yeah.

That was also when I knew Jim Carrey was kind of done when he was in the Sonic the Hedgehog movie. I was like, ah, Jim, you were so high up. You know what I think hurt him is when he did, I mean, look, he's a legend. We're not talking Jim Carrey. Big fan. But when he did Kick- too and then he like came out against guns and it's like you're in a gun movie dude no one's saying no one no one's just assuming you're pro gun right right i never put that together case in point alec baldwin but uh but you know it's like what is i look there's such a thing as entertainment. Like, there are fucking movies on the Holocaust.

I don't think Christoph Waltz hates Jews. Right, right. We can separate it. Yeah. Must have been a cathartic role, though. What if he puts on the outfit and he's like, finally. I was born for this. It's like his Adderall.

Yeah, exactly. Even seeing Benedict Cumberbatch in 12 Years a Slave, you're like, you seem too nice to be this slave owner. Even in the movie, he's crying. You're like, all right, you're like the weak slave owner. I would never make one of those movies if I was, because Hollywood is kind of woke now and everybody's like mining their P's and Q's. So I would never be in a slave movie because now you just have footage of you whipping a black guy saying the N-word.

I'm like, he could clip that up. Yeah, but voywood jr has a bit about how he likes those guys brilliant because because they're helping tell the story so you get guys like leonardo di caprio you know who's by the way great in jango oh he's unbelievable unbelievable as candy good to see him in like against type too yes sometimes you get a little typecast at a certain point yeah yeah when you're just always the leading man yeah roy's bit is so good he's like everybody's like tom cruise does his own stunts he's like motherfucker this guy said the n-word next to samuel l jackson oh that's so good i mean you replay that tarantino sam jackson scene and you're like this is all fine and good

except for the fact that he wrote it. That's when it becomes a little weird. Like when an actor like I'm just doing a part I'm trying to pay my bills Tarantino's like

I did the screenplay. Yeah. Are you talking Dan Edwards story? Yeah. Where you're like alright this is I mean you rewatch that scene

and you're like oh boy. Yeah. That was a weird choice. It's a weird choice to take that role. Yeah. It's like you could have any role in the movie that scene and you're like, oh boy. Yeah, that was a weird choice. It's a weird choice. Weird choice to take that role. Yeah. It's like you could have any role in the movie.

You're like, nah, this is the one I want. Yeah, you sure you don't want to be Vince Vega? Nah, nah, nah, nah. I want the guy in the bathrobe who's scared of his wife. But his wife was black in the movie, which maybe helps him in some way. I don't know. I'm sure he did that to fuck with the audience a little. Ah, Bonnie.

I mean, the whole coffee thing in that movie, like, this good shit. He goes, I know it's good. I buy it myself, that whole thing. I mean, look, it's a funny character. It's a great character, yeah. I love that line. That movie is so funny. There's so many, like, Goodfellas is hilarious,

but Pulp Fiction, when he goes, hey, you gotta wash your hands, he goes, motherfucker, you watched me wash them. He's like, yeah, but when I was done the rag didn't look like a motherfucking taxi a maxi pad I couldn't get it out dude Samuel L. Jackson that movie oh he stole it he stole it I mean

Travolta's amazing too but like Sam Jackson that's like his I mean he's great in so many movies but like we gotta appreciate Sam Jackson's greatness cause he elevates every fucking movie he's in. He really does. And that just put him, he was always great, but that put him on the map.

I mean, Bad Motherfucker, Wallet, Honey Bunny, Be Cool, Ringo. I mean, it's so good. Ezekiel 2517. So, okay, so we had to do a public speaking thing in high school. And I remember I was like, I'm doing Sam Jackson. And I did Ezekiel 2517. And then my friend went on and did it right after me. But he put on an Afro.

And everyone was like, well, that was way better. What the fuck? He stole your whole thing, though. He stole my whole thing. I hate that shit. Yeah. What are you going to do? He was better.

He had the Afro. Yeah, I dressed as Hulk Hogan one year for Halloween. And my friend was like, well, I'll do it, too. I'm like, what? No. Did he have a better costume kind of yeah go be owen hart and kill yourself or something you know was it owen hart yeah i was watching that pay-per-view live with my friends uh and it was crazy they just like pulled the camera away owen hart was he fucking died yeah these wrestlers

man like oh these stunts we bitch their bodies like we have to my fucking body hurts from traveling imagine these dudes are doing that with just wrestling and working out hit you with a chair all that shit i hop on the elliptical and i'm like fuck these dudes are doing real shit i mean yeah that was i remember when he died i remember being like what the fuck i know so they're just like he did a stunt he the top, from the rafters. He was supposed to come down, and it broke. Is that what did it? Yeah.

I didn't even know that. Pull it up. One second. I didn't know he died that way. I thought he was an OD or something. Oh, shit. Is this the actual? No, this is a fan attacking a wrestler.

Oh, fun. Yeah. Man. All right, so what do you want to see? A passionate fan. this is a fan attacking a wrestler. Oh, fun. Yeah. Man. All right, so what do you want to see? A passionate fan. Owen Hart dying, yeah. It's hilarious. The wrestler's just doing the wrestling moves, and the guy's just like, yeah, this doesn't hurt.

Yeah. This is fine. He's like, boom. Yeah, the slam down on the floor. I never got wrestling. I got it. But you were Hulk Hogan for Halloween. You must have gotten it.

Well, I just thought it was a funny thing. He had the whole N-word scandal, so he was like hot again. This was then? That was recent. Yeah, it was probably like six years ago. Oh, really? Yeah. But I never got, like once I hit puberty, wrestling kind of fizzled for me.

I probably liked it until I was like 17 or something. Oh, that's pretty late. 1871. All right. What are we doing here? Here we go. 1999. 84 million.

This wasn't even like a WrestleMania. This is how much money this shit made even then. Yeah, right. Vince McMahon won't pay these motherfuckers health insurance. No. And he's making that kind of money. That shit's evil. Yeah. I mean, in his his defense that would be a crazy bunch of bills though you got you got to give something man of course think about how rich he is on their backs i think you gotta you gotta

support the entertainers i mean why make the argument like you make the same argument like club owners don't have to pay comics you know i mean like we're the ones doing we're the ones putting the bodies in seats we're the ones you know yeah was vince mcmahon a wrestler no because he has that great look for owning a wrestling corporation like imagine he looked like woody allen dude he's shredded he that's what i'm saying it's just a perfect casting like that just worked out that he doesn't look like uh he did when he was younger look younger he doesn't look that shredded okay okay he got he's on roids i mean it's like insane oh all right just look up vince mcmahon ripped and you're gonna be like what the fuck you're too old to be this ripped yeah he's kind of like a a cartoon dana white look at this shit. Wow. See, that's what I'm saying. That's fucking stupid. It's perfect casting.

He's all oiled up, too. Oopsie. Yeah, he is. When he had that feud with Stone Cold, I mean, did you watch that at all? No, no. Dude, can we, Matt, Peters, can we pull some of this up or are we going to get demonetized? It's fine. Pull up Stone Cold versus Vince McMahon.

Is it real or? No, but they fucking, it's hilarious it's theater baby it's all theater yeah this is somehow gayer than broadway theater you know what's gayer singing a song in unison or just shirtlessly rubbing each other yes oiled up with pink tights on uh-oh man he was a phenom like he changed the whole country. Oh dude. He was getting hammered while he's doing it Look at this fucking guy this guy looks like he owns the club in Miami He got the henchman. Locking the cage. Oh, shit.

He beat him out. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Oh, he hit the boss. He's beating up the boss. Wow. Oh, man. It's Shakespearean. Oh, my God, King!

Uh-oh! Is this how Owen Hart bites it? All right. No, that's Kane. He's in politics now. What? I did Jim and Sam with him once. What?

He does politics. He does something in some small city in Tennessee, I think. That's hilarious. He's like a mayor of some town in Tennessee. I guess it's the same shit, you know, just getting people on your side, riling them up, beating the opponent. I thought it was weird when he opened his speech. He was like, let me tell you something, brother. And then he hit the other guy with a chair.

Yeah. Well, I mean, Vince McMahon's wife ran for Senate, I think. I think she was pretty close. Connecticut, maybe? Connecticut, yeah for Senate, I think. I think she was pretty close. Connecticut, maybe? Connecticut, yeah. It was fucking wild. Yeah, I mean, don't forget Arnold was governor. Yeah.

Reagan was an actor. For sure. It's crazy. It's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. Jesse Ventura. Jesse Ventura. AOC was in porn.

So was Nancy Pelosi. Ooh, I heard she's got a... Nancy Reagan, did you hear this shit? I did. What's going on with Reagan? She was the throat goat of her day, they claim. Oh, just say yes. Throat goat.

Everyone said she gave the best blowjobs. Wow. In Hollywood. It must have kept Ronald Young. Yeah. Yeah. The old gipper Ronald Young. Yeah. Yeah. The old gipper. She was the dipper.

So this guy's running for governor of... Herschel Walker, though. He's a football player, right? Oh, the football player. No, this is his son. Uh-oh. And this is him yesterday complaining. Oh, but his dad is running.

It's not... I thought it was him. Oh, really? Oh, maybe it's his son. No, I'm pretty sure it's Hershel Walker. So he's wearing a $1,200 Givenchy sweatshirt. It looks like shit, too. Why is it $1,200?

Just the brand name. He's blaming Biden for gas prices. Oh, wow. He's a conservative, eh? Yeah, yeah. Hershel Walker was at Trump's campaign. Oh, wow. He's a conservative, eh? Yeah, yeah. Hershel Walker was at Trump's campaign. Oh, really? I don't follow the news.

But he's in a $1,200 sweatshirt? That is pretty hilarious. That's funny. I mean, look, he's got good comic timing. No one can take that away. Sure. The way he goes, disgusting. I hate you.

Yeah. These are the debates you want to see. Yes. You want to put him against Hunter. Oh. That's the debate. Oh, yeah. He goes, you disgust me.

You trash. Hunter's like, look, you want a line? Let's just take it easy oh shit speaking of did you see that succession finale oh did I see that finale I watched it twice unreal you watched it twice

well I watched the back half twice cause it was so moving it dude it's great tv so they did that New Yorker profile on Jeremy Strong did you read that no it got so much buzz is he Kendall yeah so he won the Emmy last year he's great but they did that New Yorker profile on Jeremy Strong. Did you read that? No. It got so much buzz. Is he Kendall? Yeah. Yeah, no, I didn't read that.

So he won the Emmy last year. He's great. But they did a New Yorker profile on him, and it got a lot of, it seemed like the guy who wrote it, it's really a funny piece, but it seems like the guy who wrote it had kind of a vendetta against him. They went, I think they both went to Yale or something, and he was a couple years younger, and it seemed like he never liked him. But Kendall, I mean, Jeremy Strong is like a journeyman actor. actor i mean you kind of got to respect it he's paid his dues

he's done a lot of small parts but then he starts writing about his commitment and there's parts where you're like this is kind of hilarious i guess he plays uh in one movie he plays a big short as i recall he's in the big short okay he's in um another adam mckay movie too he's in uh he's into uh aaron sorkin movies he's in fuck social network no uh i don't know i'm sure it's you can look it up by the way yeah it's a great picture but he dude he's very he's like he's obsessed with like dustin hoffman he almost bankrupted the uh theater company he was in because he got them to like have al pacino come out to accept an award he just wanted to meet pacino but then they talked about these he did some movie with robert downey

jr i think it was uh he plays like an autistic younger brother and he showed up to a day he wasn't called to set and just cried in the background like he's that committed he wants to make you like you know oh he did one with molly's game molly's game he's good at molly's game that's a good movie i never saw is it good yeah he directed i liked it idris elba and jessica chastain i liked it a lot true story i think it's great but then he uh he's also in um fuck what's it called uh a movie oh the new aaron sorkin movie i didn't see it the trial of the chicago seven i saw it and well he claims he, they claim he wanted to be tear gassed, for real. And it was a quote.

Yeah, it was a quote from Sorkin who was like, look, I don't like saying no to Jeremy, but, you know, he, you know, I'd have to tear gas like 250 people. So I had to, this is like literally what he's requesting. And he's like, no, I don't want to hurt anyone. But but so like all these stories it's like madness his commitment to the craft you've quoted brian cox who's on succession where he's like i just wish he would take it easy on himself it sounds like they're annoyed with how method he is but then also you know aaron sorkin released

a letter being like he's i love him michael you're making it sound like i'm trashing him i think he's a great actor like i mean he's used him in two movies, so clearly he likes him. So I think his cast seems, like, a little annoyed that he's so method. But, like, you watch the show and you're like. He's incredible. The results are fucking amazing. Amazing. The crying scene.

He's so layered. They had a scene in the latest season about him talking to a reporter. And he's like, you're not going to fuck me up on this, are you? And she's like, no, no. And I wonder if that was a little nod to this. Wasn't that your thought, Mark, that no one ever is a method actor who's goofy? It's always some serious guy

who wants to get maced in the face? That was my point. That was your point. I had a bit about this. Rodney, he's method the whole time. Yeah, yeah. I had a bit about this back in the day. I never did anything with it,

but it was always someone like Brando. It's like, you never, did you know for three months Rob Schneider was a European gigolo? That was one of the angles I had a bit about this back in the day. I never did anything with it, but it was always someone like Brando. It's like, you never like, did you know for three months Rob Schneider was a European gigolo? That was one of the angles I had. It's always, yeah. But for sure, there's a story they tell about Dustin Hoffman and Laurence Olivier. And Hoffman's like, I stayed up three nights for this role.

And the famous Olivier quote is, my son, have you tried acting? That's the line. That's great. So it's like, yeah, there was a part of me. But like, look, it's hard not to respect the dude who takes this shit that seriously. But also, you know, don't do it at the expense of your coworkers either. Of course, of course. It makes everyone else uncomfortable.

Yeah. Are you helping servicing the project by doing this? Did you see that? Do you watch the show? I did not watch the finale yet. It's fucking, all I'll say is it's fucking excellent. This show gets better and better. Better and better.

The writing is so realistic. You feel like it's happening and it's written. It's amazing. Jesse Armstrong is, I think he's like a fucking incredible writer. Yeah. That dude. I mean, he wrote Peep Show. Can't believe it.

Oh, that's right. Two different shows. Yeah, they're both great. So different. So great. It's Shakespearean. The whole thing, the twist, the turns,

the corruption, it's incredible. That's what this article says. They're saying he plays this as Hamlet. Yes. People think he's joking, but he's playing it as Hamlet.

It's funny, because he's so serious. We laugh nonstop. I was dying laughing. Connor is so funny, too. And Rome has some great lines. But I don't know. Have you seen it?

No, actually. Oh, yeah. I'm a big fan. Buckle up, because it's a doozy. Joe List said, billions is successions for retard. I like billions, too. I've never watched billions. Billions is good.

I was on billions. Copleman. That's right. That's right. He stands by it for retard. No, it's good. It's really good. I was on Billions. Koppelman. That's right. That's right. He stands by it. It's good. It's really good. Soda is great on it.

Our boy Dan Soda. Soda's on it, yeah. Damian Lewis, incredible on the show. It's really good. All right, all right. I'll try it again. I like Giamatti. Oh, it's fun, dude.

All right. It's very New York. Yeah, yeah. Koppelman and Levine wrote rounders they're great that's true love rounders no i think billions is fun man every time i walk down the street with soda it's black guys like oh shit billions black people love billions well dude magic johnson tweeted it was his favorite show i mean like same with dominique wilkins you're like all these like nba legends are like billions it's kind go. It's kind of cool. Yeah.

Speaking of the thing with the method acting and the American gigolo, that's a great joke. I feel the same with trans. You never see a guy who transitions. I see him tightening right here. Oh, that's not bad. You never see someone transition into a woman and then be like a chick in a hoodie. You know what I mean?

It's always like a caricature of a woman. It's never like my girl walks around in jeans and a T-shirt, but you never see that. Not caricature, but like a bigger woman rather than like, you know. They hit the stereotypes. It's very feminine. It's very ladyish, you know. Well, if you just become a woman, you're going to want to enjoy it probably.

Is that what it is? I think the sweatshirt is like a jaded woman who's like i'm not going through the makeup i think if you always wanted to be a woman or always felt you were a woman right you're going all the way you're going you're like i'm gonna be a woman why don't we ask the only woman in the room yeah there's a lady here i'm thinking there's got to be like weekends at home where caitlin jenner's just watching netflix and i guess you mean, it's gruffy probably. Yeah, no, you're right. We see it on the outside.

If you're a prominent trans person, you kind of have to bring it. Right. You're representing your whole group. I couldn't be. But like, Elliot Page has a 12-pack, you know? You had to go all shredded. You couldn't be a doughy.

You couldn't be George Costanza. I feel body shame by her body. There you go. I see her 12 pack and I'm like, you had to do it that quickly? Aha, good point. That's insensitive to this flabby Jew. I saw a headline about him on CNN and it was like, quit thirst trapping Elliot. I was like, can you really write this about somebody on CNN?

It's a weird for even weirder. It was Chris Cuomo. What are they doing right now? The Cuomo is just having a big show in CNN. Are they? I think he's going to get money. For what? For firing him.

I think they had just cause. We'll see. I mean, this is what lawyers do right i mean like he's i think he's trying to get 18 mil oh like what's left on his contract maybe i think so yeah i think it's fine i think it's very possible he'll get something i think he will too because he didn't do anything well i mean he didn't well there was a sexual misconduct allegation it was yeah also his produce but producer, like, did you hear about that shit? What happened? His producer was like grooming young girls. Lady or man? He's a guy.

And when you see his picture, you're gonna be like, yep. I don't like the profile, but take a look at this guy. He's no Ghislaine, huh? So yeah, so he wishes he had her hair. Oh, really? This is our guy.

Hey, folks, We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Manscaped. Oh, yeah. Set your first New Year's resolution with good intentions and join the four million men worldwide who trust Manscaped with our exclusive offer. Go to manscaped.com and use promo code DRUNK for 20% off plus free shipping. Holy hell. I love Manscaped. I use the ball wash.

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Oh, yeah. Today, that's where this fucking load of bird's nest came from but yeah get it get on it folks yeah i got some of that shampoo in my in my uh shower too hey whether your resolution is to work out more or to travel to new places be sure to travel to manscape.com for our exclusive offer of% off plus free shipping with the code drunk. That's 20% off and free shipping with the code drunk at manscaped.com. One last time. One last time. Sorry, I've been drinking.

20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com. Use the code drunk. It's a new year. No pubes in 2022 with Manscaped. Support the show and get 20% off and free shipping with the code drunk with manscaped support the show and get 20 off from free shipping with the code drunk at manscaped.com hell yeah get on it man and look better and smell better we gotta figure out the height on the cuomo brothers because they vary sometimes chris is taller sometimes andrew's taller no andrew's taller look it need numbers. Really? Luring young girls.

Luring is never good. Luring is never good unless it's on a fishing pole. It's never good. It's not good for the fish. There he is. The person being lured is never good. Look at this guy. Holy shit.

So he invited a mom. That guy's bad news. Huh? He invited a mom and her daughter, and he was going to train them both in dominance wow and the fbi got wind of it and was like you're going to jail holy hell yeah cnn is is like can one of you guys not do any of this stuff yeah oh yeah now uh don lemon's uh i heard don lemon's in trouble too yeah it's it's i mean here's the thing like there's there's this you know it's just bad when Brian Williams is like, I'm walking away. Right, right.

You know it's just bad when he's like, I'm out. Was he the guy who lied? He lied. Yeah, but the helicopter. Yeah. He pulled a Ranazizi on our ass. Look at the white Smollett. I mean, Jussie.

Don't you feel that if he was like a slightly better actor he would have gotten away with it like denzel wouldn't have gotten caught doing what if it was daniel day lewis you're like he would have believed me he would have pulled it off yeah you fucking tell you tell me there will be blood daniel day lewis gonna duped us so you got a point do you see the thing uh what made the cops suspicious of the story immediately was that he came home with his subway sandwich after the assault oh interesting yeah and the cops were like that's strange because like they say normally he doesn't he eats subway yeah why would he do this to himself this man clearly hates himself this is the type of man

who would hire people to beat the shit out of them. Right, right. Wow. Subway is dog shit. Subway stinks. I got in a rest stop recently, and I was like, this is the worst. This is worse than getting really beaten up by two dudes in MAGA hats. Yeah. That's how bad this is. Pour the bleach on me.

I'd rather that. This is not real meat. Those sandwiches are worse than what Jared did. Ah! Get that clip! Oh, man. Those are the worst. I knew they were lying to us when they tried to pass that shit off as avocado.

I know, right? It comes out of a bag. It's all weird and neon. Yeah, the whole thing sucks. That bread is trash. Bread's trash. That's yoga mat bread. It is.

It's styrofoam. Remember when we thought Subway was healthy? I ate it every day for like two years. Me too. I thought it was healthy. Five dollars full on. Five dollars filling. I'd get that chicken teriyaki.

Can I get another one of these or is that crazy? I was trying to signal you. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Let's do that live read from Subway now. Eat fresh. Quiznos is way better than Subway. Agreed.

Of the big three in the wars of sandwiches, Blimpy, Quiznos, Jersey Mike, and Subway's, Jersey Mike's is pretty terrible, I think. I don't know Jersey Mike. It's pretty bad. What, you're not going to throw Jimmy John a bone? Oh, Jimmy John, too. I say Quiznos is the best, and Jimmy John's the second best of those to me. What do you think? Interesting.

Quiznos, it's weird because Subway is the most popular. Isn't that weird? That's kind of a... They were great at advertising. They were. The Jared thing was smart. Remember Clay Henry, too? Remember that?

Look up Clay Henry jingle. He got real big on burger and fries, and now he's down to a smaller size. Clay Henry. See how good that advertising is? That was years ago. I remembered that shit. It stuck in. That's good advertising.

That's great jingle writing. Is the jingle dead dead by the way no okay i love a good jingle columbia south carolina what's that you don't remember this no oh this was big this made subway put them on the map with the help of exercise they really should have stuck with him instead of Jared. I know, right? A fireman. Some guy in the boardroom was like, no, we got to ride this Jared thing out.

Are you sure? Clay Henry's a fireman. They're like, nah. Jared. Jared did do his thing. Wait, that sounds bad. He did, you know, make him huge for a while. That didn't sound good either.

They should make an HBO show about Jared. It's like the real Jared where he's just like doing tours. And be like, you guys too can lose weight. Cut to a hotel room. Oh, fuck. He's snorting out of a diaper. Oh, my. He's got a rattle.

He's doing lines with the Monopoly money rolled up. Oh, fuck. True move. This is a dark F. Oh, fuck. Cheer move. This is a dark F. Oh, yeah. This is going to get us in trouble. We're going to lose some ads, huh? Yeah.

What about... Quiznos is great. Quiznos is fucking... I remember Hotel used to have a joke about a guy in the Middle East. I don't remember his name. It was something with a lot of Q's, U's, and I's. I called him Quiznos. Yeah, it's just like comedy, though.

The most popular people are never the best. For sure. Same with the sandwiches. Yeah, we're Quiznos, baby. Yeah! No, it's hilarious, man, that Subway is just trash. And it's everywhere. Everywhere.

It's going to be going downhill, because I feel like hoagies are not as hot as they were. They were hot for a while. New Yorkers, we still eat sandwiches. But why would you go to Subway when you can literally, for basically the same money, go to any corner bodega and get a way better sandwich? A turkey on a roll at any corner store bodega in New York is better than Subway. We're a sandwich culture in New York.

Oh, yeah. We like our sandwiches. I'll get a good dude. I have a corner store. It's like one of those little mini grocery stores. What's your go-to sandwich, though? I do. I mix it up, man.

I like doing like a turkey Reuben. I think they call it a Rachel, but I don't fucking play that. Why do I have to order a Rachel? Fuck you. I like turkey with like Thousand Island or Russian with coleslaw, Swiss, melted. I'll do that. I go toasted rye all day. I also like a little just turkey cheddar, mayo, a little lettuce tomato.

I'll fucking keep it simple. How about you guys? Yeah, yeah. I mean, turkey. Well, first of all american cheese and russian dressing is great and it's good for the country you know we got we got it's good for politics let those two come together no more cold war cold sandwich cold cuts cold cuts yeah cold cuts not cold war so i'm with you russian dressing is so underrated i'm so good dude i like this is

a new york thing. They chop the beef. Chop beef or minced beef. What do you call that? Chop cheese. Chop cheese. Yeah, it's basically just a burger. Oh, I love chopped cheese. It just has its own flavor.

That's a bodega thing. They're good. What are you going? You grew up in the LES. Yeah, I used to do Katz's before it became very commercial. Oh, so commercial, but it's still great, though. It's still great. I was like a child.

But those knishes are still cash money. If I'm nearby in a winter knish, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, exactly. What's your sandwich, though? I like turkey,

brie, and honey mustard. That's like my go-to. That's great. It's a great sandwich. Oh, that point, you went full white girl on that one. The Jew is coming back out.

Yeah, the Jap. Yeah, exactly. Sally, what's yours? I do like a chopped cheese, but you can't eat that every day. It's like once a month, so just a regular turkey sandwich. I like turkey. Chicken breast I could fuck with, too.

Sure. Egg sandwich. You know what else is big in New York is that bacon egg cheese. Just on a roll in the morning. That breakfast sandwich. You know what else is big in New York is that bacon egg cheese. Just on a roll in the morning. That breakfast sandwich. It's classic. Classic. That with a cup of coffee.

Woo! Get that shit in a croissant, too, if you want to be a bad little boy. Oh, come on! Or an everything bagel. Holy shit. Oh, my God. You're talking crazy. What a... Oh, man, I got a good rec for you.

This ties right into my rec. Hit me, baby. All right. This is a good rec, I think. And if Norman's going to fucking love it. Oh! Winter soups. Dang!

In New York, they hit different. If you live in a cold city in the winter, winter soups hit different. Like, if you get, like, fuck, a lentil or something in Mamoon's, or you get a good chicken noodle or a fucking, hey man, some ramen. Who gives a fuck? Maybe some, my personal favorite, borscht. A hot borscht. Love a hot borscht. Holy shit.

Cold borscht, not so much for me, but a hot borscht all day long. Cold soup, get the fuck out of here. Look, I like cold, yeah, chilled, chilled gazpacho. You think you understand this shit? If you're in a warm climate right now, chilled gazpacho. You think you understand this shit? If you're in a warm climate right now, chilled gazpacho? Get out of here. You're fooling yourself. Soup is not supposed to be refreshing.

You're supposed to go, ah. Yes, it's hearty. It should be warming to the soul. You're supposed to react to a soup similarly to the way you cum. You're supposed to be like, ah. Yeah, not like, ah. It's chilly. Come on come on yeah good call i mean a tortilla soup a chicken vegetable a matzo ball and soup cheese and soup a french onion that's all it is

yesterday oh yeah matzo ball the jew the jews back baby it's coming out wait till after later when i drink a little bit more and then I'll be Puerto Rican again. There you go. Soba de tortilla. See. Fucking good. That's the way to do it. Jew in the streets, Puerto Rican in the sheets.

Yes. That's right. Get your bills paid and then party. Yeah. Soups are good. Did you send my agent sent me a bunch of soups for christmas you know your agent sends you like wow christmas dude was that you no okay because my age has been calling around like hey what is mark like and i got eight gallons of whiskey so i was like no more booze i got enough

booze and somebody said get the motherfucker some soup and they nailed it. What kind of soups? They got me these jars of soup. You know, some lady in upstate New York makes her own batch and all that shit. Give me what kinds. I can't think of the name of it. Oh, but we got, it was four of them. It was minestrone. Classic. It was clam chowder.

It was. Manhattan or New England? I think it was New England. I hate to say it, there's one area where Boston beats us. Totally. And I hate to admit it, but a good sport knows when we've lost. And New York's better than Boston, but you guys do a better clam chowder and lobster roll. Interesting.

And I think it's fair to say when we've lost. It's big of you. 2004 playoffs. Fuck the fuck that shit. Pedro throwing Don Zimmer. Eat shit, dude. Fuck, that was disrespectful. You're not saying when the best team won that shit. Pedro throwing Don Zimmer. Eat shit, dude. Fuck, that was disrespectful. You're not saying when the best team won that year?

They were a good team. David Ortiz was more clutch than A-Rod. That was a problem. What about, oh, sorry. What's the guy's name? Paul, no. O'Neal? Not Paul O'Neal.

What's the guy with the long hair? Johnny Damon? Johnny Damon. That guy turned coat on the Red Sox. That's a dirty... He did? He did? Yeah, he came here and he kind of sucked.

He was a very patient hitter. I always liked... I still love baseball, but... Yeah. There he is. Come on. What a man. What the fuck was in the Geico commercials?

What a pull. Oh, that's amazing, dude. He hit a grand slam on us in game seven. He fucking raped our mothers right in front of us. That's amazing. He hit a grand slam when I was in game seven. He fucking raped our mothers right in front of us. Oh, yeah. I was watching that in college, and it was a big deal. That was brutal. Oh, yeah.

But yeah, soups. Hot soups. Hot soups all day. Get that chilled shit out of here. Good wreck. I'll even fuck with a good miso, man. Love a miso. Love hot and sour.

Love egg drop. Bring them all on. Egg drop's some shit. You got a favorite? I do, but it's in LA. And it's a chain, actually. I got it in Atlanta. It's just called Jinya Ramen.

Jin? Jin. J-I-N. There's a Jin here. Yeah, we got Jin. No, Jin Ramen. Oh, there is? It's different, though.

It's Jinya. It's crazy good. You get like a creamy broth. It's, it's on another level you get some fucking nice uh sauteed broccolini in there you get your uh you get your little uh they put like those special eggs i don't know i don't even know how they're cooked it's not quite poached it's like not quite hard boiled how the fuck it is i know you holy shit it gets all the pussies wet and all the dicks hard that's all i know genia yeah dude i wonder what that means what does genia mean i don't know let's look it up dumb jew i'm like wow that's crazy

let's see genia popularity oh sorry wait wait a type of administrative headquarters oh so it's kind of like hey we're the soup capital yes okay that's clever all right talk about a bigger progress than ramen that we talk about a progress

in this country ramen and weed weed was a gateway drug it was a fucking uh you know reefer madness and it went put you in jail it was illegal and now weed is like medical it's business it's uh it's huge it's crazy that there are people in jail for selling weed i know and it's like now like can you imagine being in jail for selling weed and then there's just legal weed it's insane. It's kind of fucked.

I mean. They got to let them out. Let them out. Let them out and give them a weed business. You know, like we should give them something. Yeah, they were trailblazers. Yeah. Literally and figuratively.

Played basketball for the NBA. Yeah, dude. That's great. That was their team. They were nicknamed the jailblazers because they were all high as shit. They were all doing this. Man, it was a really cool team though. Clip it. And then think about ramen.

I went to public school. It was a bunch of poor kids, and they all had their ramen. They would eat it hard. You remember that? Yeah, I've done it. It's gross. It's gross, but it was like jail. You put the seeding on it, yeah.

Yeah, it was jail. We all were just snacking on that shit. They were 11 cents. You got shrimp? I got chicken. I got spicy beef. And it was great. Chicken was the best. Chicken was the best yeah yeah shrimp was weird but now ramen is this like upscale genia you know there's an egg in it yeah it's good man i like it man it's especially if you're sick i mean like you get if you're sick for like a week you get you get real

tired of chicken noodle soup yeah i don't want to only call chicken noodle soup when i'm sick it turns into like a fucking like you it's an unhealthy dynamic why am i only showing up when things are bad you're a good soup i'm abusing the relationship good point let's mix it up i'll get some other soups i like a little hot and sour cleans up the sinuses i like a little a little ramen. Delightful. Get your protein still. Tum Yum is nothing to sneeze at either. Yeah, that's all right. Oh, I love a Tum Yum. It's that weird flavor.

It's got the mushrooms in it, the chicken. Mushrooms are underappreciated. Good mushroom barley soup. Ooh, that's a great soup. Mark's a slurper, dude. Yes. This motherfucker slurps like he lives in Asia. Yeah, I got my half

One lip on the bowl One lip on this broth I bring it right to the mouth How about this move How about just drinking it like it's a glass of tea You gotta give it a few spoons You can't go right to the tea You gotta eat that pussy a little bit

Before you're going for the fuck Get it all hot and steamy You gotta get out of here No Does that do anything For warmth the fuck right exactly get it all hot and steamy you gotta get out of here no oh okay throwing on something does that do anything come on for warmth yeah it does really this is a good one because it's oh shit oh i like those oh hey man so i just i have one of those for my neck i just it was i don't i'm a big scarf guy but i like the thing that you pulled down over your head and it's that material whoa i lost it broke my heart left in a fucking hotel room somewhere. God knows

where you forget where you even are. I order it. Can't find it on Amazon. So I'm like, you know what? This is a good sign. I'm going to go elsewhere. I shouldn't be so reliant on Amazon. They're an evil corporation. Good for you. Jeff Bezos lets these motherfuckers die. He's sending Michael Strahan from the Giants to space. He's letting these warehouse

workers drop dead. He doesn't give a fuck. Fuck Amazon until I need them. And anyway, I ordered that thing from Dick's Sporting Goods. What happens? This had to be here like two weeks ago. I get an email from Dick's. There's been a delay.

Yeah, Dick's, there has. Fuck you. I'm out. We're done. Holy shit. I tried. I gave it a chance. It wasn't meant to be.

Well, hey, I mean, you got to keep up. We're used to just immediate satisfaction. Give it to me right here. Put it right in my ass. Jizzle my face. And then, hey, if you're not ready, I'm not jerking that dick. Hello, dicks. You were supposed to jizzle my face. Yeah, I need it now.

Well, if you don't know what that means, then I don't want to do business with you. Okay? Yeah, it's like a horned up chick. She's like, come over right now and fuck me. And you're like, oh, actually, I'm helping some Girl Scouts. Well, if you don't come over now, it's over. You're like, no, no. And then you start hitting the Girl Scouts.

You fucking, what the fuck happened in that scenario? I used to help the Scouts. You fucking beat them up? Yeah. There is something like, you ever with your girl and you order food and it gets, you start fooling around and then the food gets there and you're thinking about the food. Of course, of course. And you're kind of like,

look, I want to do this, but look, I can come in 30 seconds. I mean, we're waiting on you here. Yeah, good point. The women are really, you're waiting on the women. Yeah, you got to preheat the oven. Got to preheat the oven.

Right, whereas you're a microwave. I'm a microwave. 400. 30 seconds. Let's do this. Yeah. So that is the thing where you're a microwave. I'm a microwave. 400. 30 seconds. Let's do this. Yeah. So that is the thing where you're like, all right, but hey, man, food's still hot. You still get the little thing.

Pull the steam off. Oh, yeah, that's a better idea. There's no better feeling than having sex. And then you're done. You both come. You sit on the couch. You open some Chinese. chinese no that is nice yeah yeah that's good and it's kind of nice because now they just leave the food outside your door

whereas in back in the day you had to open it with like a hard-on tucked in your fucking you tuck it in your your uh underwear line you know and and waistband, yeah. And you're just like, what do you want? And they're like, sorry. You're like, ah, fuck, I'm coming. I'm sorry. Ooh, he's like, I thought I had the egg roll. That's like a fucking National Lampoon's movie.

You're like, ah, shit, I can't control it. You just jizz all over the delivery man. Those movies are so bad. Speaking of which, you mentioned Strahan's going to space.

Yeah. Space is now the new... That's how bad he didn't want to watch the Giants. But space is the the new that's how bad he didn't want to watch the giants but space is the new playboy club you know before was like hey this guy's so famous he's going to a playboy party at the playboy mansion oh shit now it's space yeah either way you're gonna see shatner i'll tell you this too you're right right. It's a new Playboy Club. Or Black Hole. Had to squeeze it in. I mean, it is interesting that you're totally right, man.

It's the new exclusive thing. It's it. Playboy Club now is like, although maybe people get canceled for going to space in like 40 years. Oh, yeah. He went to space when people were suffering. That'll be the new thing. Right. Well, it's not inclusive you know it's been like a handful of people it's not exactly like you know open bar

over there there's maybe maybe we'll go to mars and there'll be like martians with three tits and it'll be the really the new playboy club it'll be like dude she'll fucking go out going back with this martian right you got dude she got three three tits, four mouths. And you're like, whoa. You calling friends? Get over here. I don't want to waste a hole. Yeah, the space grotto. Damn, dude.

Do you have a peeve? Yeah, yeah. Well, we opened the show by talking about drunks at the Comedy Zone. Great club. Great club. And Ted's a great guy who runs it. Great guy. We got drunk on Saturday. Really? Just me and him in a green room just going at it. Charlotte Comedy Zone. Great club and Ted's a great guy who runs it. Great guy. We got drunk on Saturday. Really?

Just me and him in a green room just going at it. It was great. I had that in Arizona stand-up live with Matt Coleman who runs it. We were just at a bottle of wine. I was like, you're going to make me drink all this wine alone? Yeah. We were just downing it. Oh, yeah.

I love those nights. Great night. He didn't drink with us. We had to coax him a little bit, but good egg, good dude. Like, keeps it real. He's like a comic. Yeah, he's a good dude. Great guy.

And what was I going to say? What was that? Oh, my peeve. So here's my peeve. And this is a little inside baseball. It's comedy shit. But I got to say, to all the comics out there, enough with the, oh, you guys aren't laughing. I guess you're not drunk enough yet.

I'm so sick of that line. First of all, you don't have to be drunk to laugh. You know, you're laughing. You're laughing. You guys aren't hammered. I remember a lot of memories on the playground with eight-year-old kids at school. We were all laughing. Nobody was drinking.

Mark, they were shit-faced. They were faking it. They were. No, I know what you mean it's uh we've been laughing the whole time we have been drinking honestly you guys are all laughing we've been drinking the whole show that's what i pointed to them but no you're totally right i mean that's like it's like a stock line it's a stock line and it's just so much it's so not true it's so false like you can laugh like you go to a theater you go see les mis and there's a funny line in a master of the house keeper of the end and you're laughing but you're not like i need a cocktail you know it's just funny yeah funny funny but uh yeah i get what they're saying though like you're not loose enough is what they're saying like you're

you're too uh you know, you're stiff. There's a real critique on the comic, though. I agree. You have to be drunk to appreciate this. Sure. Yeah, so he's really insulting himself. I don't, I mean, when I'm watching a comedy at home,

I can laugh. Of course. I was watching The Office on a flight and I was laughing. Oh, by the way, though, I'm next to these two guys on my flight back. Just the loudest gay couple on the planet. They couldn't be louder. And it's like, you know, it's early, I'm next to these two guys on my flight back, just the loudest gay couple on the planet. They couldn't be louder.

And it's like, you know, it's early. I'm tired. And they're just like, they're like, oh, stop it. Oh, come on. I'm just like, oh, God, you're killing me. And of course, they throw on a show. And I'm like, well, at least I'll quiet down now. It's Veep.

After every line, you could just tell they're like. What is this, Bravo Air? What party are you on? Holy hell. It was every line. This is brutal. Imagine them fucking. Jesus Christ.

That's how much they're reacting to a TV show. You didn't even hear the rest of the story. Mile high. I heard one of them jerking off of the story. Mile high. I heard one of them jerking off in the bathroom. This isn't virgin. You're killing me. You're killing me. I was so... You're in those flights where you're just texting your girlfriend.

You're just like, hey, dudes. Loudest laugh ever. Killing me. You don't get caught with that text are you secretly like jealous of their lives though I'm jealous that they feel good in that moment I'm very irritable when I fly because you know I'm in pain a lot of the time

I don't sleep enough I'm jealous that they're enjoying their time of course but also I'm like literally I'm looking and also Gary Veeder switched seats with me so I'm like, literally, I'm looking. And also, Gary Veeder switched seats with me. Oh. So I was like, all right.

Because he was like, I accidentally booked a flight to JFK. It's the LaGuardia. He's like, we should be on the same flight. I was like, fuck it. Let me try to change it. So we hit the airport. I change it. And then he's like, ah, you didn't get comfort.

He's like, let's switch. Because I was like, ah, he's a nice guy like that. Then he's in the back. He's like, yeah, well, I got the last row. It wasn't great for me either. I'm having dudes fucking wave shit in my face they're opening the door but uh you know but veder so i mean look it sucks being a short guy you know it's hard to get laid no one respects you you're pretty much worthless but it sucks he's married he gets laid i'm joking but no one

does respect him no no no but in an airplane he his feet aren't. He's coming on soon, this podcast. Oh, yeah, we got to get Vitor on. But his feet don't even hit the floor on an airplane. So it must be nice. Every seat's extra leg room. You're always in first class. You're four foot one. Enjoy that, Gary.

I got a good story about Vitor. We're on the road in Miami. And what's cool about Miami is wherever you go, you can get a Cuban coffee. Like even the chain places. What makes it a Cuban? It it's just way stronger oh really strong which i love it's sweeter what the cortado cortado yeah yeah it's really good but we get it and we're at a dunkin donuts and veder uh this is one i've never seen this before we go in there it's like there's not a lot around us so we walk into dunkin donuts i'm like thank you know i'm like a caffeine addict i'm like i need my coffee we walk in and i'm like i'm dying i just need to wake up a little i'm fucking fading and then the guy's just

he's literally making like 12 sandwiches and we're like what the hell is he we've been waiting there for like seven minutes and we're like what is he doing we look at each other i'm like hey man can we just get a coffee and he goes i got the biggest order ever i just got to get this order done and i'm like you can just pour us a coffee in between. No one's even here. It's a very big order. And Gary loses. He goes, this is insane.

He goes, what, are you fucking kidding me? He's like, you can't pour us two fucking coffees. Gary loses it. I can see that. I'm like, well, how long are you going to be? He goes, at least another 15 minutes. I was like, there's no one here. There's no one here.

Gary's like, this is fucking outrageous and the guy goes sir sir i specialize in customer service i live to please the customer and i'm just like i don't so gary's like jay guavaro coming in there who's this fucking uh sandwich for castro so we were leaving gary's like fuck this guy he's losing it he's so angry and then we walk around the lot and it was like, yeah, there's no other coffee. Did you go back in? We went back in. I was like, Gary, we gotta go back in. You should have put the order in before you left.

Two blacks and you leave. You come back and like... We walk back in and Gary's like, I'm not doing it. I'm like, let's just go back in. We'll apologize. I'm like, you were really the rude one. He's like, all right, I'll apologize. And then we walk in and Gary's like, we're very sorry. He goes, no, I'm one. He's like, alright, I'll apologize. And then we walk in and Gary's like,

we're very sorry. He goes, no, I'm sorry. He's like, I live to please customers. Customer service my whole life. I live to please you guys. We're like, thank you. He goes, just a few more minutes. I'll make you a special coffee. I'm like, no, just a regular coffee. He's fine. He's like, no, I'll make it special. You're gonna spit in it. Exactly. He literally takes a while. They're foaming. He brings

them out and I'm just looking at him and he's like, I made these with love. Oh, he came in. Worse than spit. Gary looks at me and he shakes his head. He's like no. We're making this skit. He's like no. And I'm like no, no, no

man. I don't want. I'm like thank you very much. We walk out. We just dump it in the garbage. I'm like what the fuck do we do for coffee now? We just burnt a half hour for nothing. But you got the story. Brutal. So did you find coffee? We got like a shitty one at the hotel.

Ah, that stinks. What are you going to do? Man, that's a peeve. It's a very specific peeve. Yeah, but I got a peeve for you. You go to Chipotle. You go to, you know, Just Salad, whatever it is. Quiznos. the online orders

have now dominated the guy in the room you go into chipotle and you go the guy's making 18 burritos i'm like hey hey i'm here and he's like hold on i got 38 uh grub hubs coming and you're like well what about me i'm here you know it's like your your girlfriend texting and you're like i'm here talk to me and you're eating her pussy i don't care yeah i'm fucking and you're like i'm here talk to me and you're eating her pussy yeah i'm fucking texting you're like this is crazy yeah i'm like hey hey i'm going with the bib on yeah that's it's tough it's like grubhub is dominating now the live customer you don't see a lot of bibs anymore uh lobster is the last lobster's the last bib and i'll tell you man love a lobster bib love a lobster you're in heaven it's funny because the food is so expensive that it allows

you to look like trash because it's a it's a good um juxtaposition you're right you couldn't go eat at at uh denny's with a bib on you'd look like a psycho but if it's lobster they go well you can afford lobster so he's uh he's on the up and up for sure fun thought lobster man if you if you get it the right way still there's there's nothing but i know it was like peasant food back in the day oh yeah you know boston if you go to like one of those or maine or oh if you're right off the water the best you get a good lobster roll or a good lobster fuck i I mean, you do have to work hard for it. A lobster is kind of like a woman where you're just like, she's like, it's going to be eight dates. But then that eighth night, you're like, oh, this is good. And it smells of the sea.

But put lobster on my list. Ramen, lobster, weed. They all started from nothing. And they turn to this you know expensive high-end uh thing you consume i love it yeah yeah lobster what do you think lobster claw is underrated too yeah i found this place in rhode island where they just give you like lobster cubes and they fry them up they like take the best of it so you don't do the lobster yeah it's so good interesting that seems like it. Fried lobster. Yeah, it's so good.

It's like nuggets, kind of like a nugget. It is so fucking good. Lightly fried? Lightly fried. Okay. Okay, lightly fried. Flash fried. Yes, and I mean, we went there every day for this, almost every meal.

They make deep fried avocado at this place, and I was like, what the fuck are you doing deep frying avocado? You don't have to make avocado any better. Exactly. It's perfect. Yeah. Nothing like getting that pit out.

Don't you love that? I feel like a magician when I hit that with a knife and then you... Oh, it's a great feeling. Deep frying lobster is like getting fake tits when you already have amazing tits. There you go. Oh, fake tits. We have the fake tits. Oh, you left it here, Mark?

I forgot it, yeah. I thought that was going to be like your travel companion there. Well, I came, so I thought I'd need it. I finished. What's your rec? Oh, yeah. What is my rec? Well, my rec sucks.

I feel bad, but I'm reading a book. What's the book? I'm reading a book. Look this up. It's called, what's it book i'm reading a book uh look this up it's called uh what's it called i'm wrong so much i don't want to be right uh bernie brilstein's book oh wow it's incredible he was a legend legend agent he was a comedy agent in like the 80s 90s and recently but he died it still has a company though yeah brilstein uh what is it called i can't think of the name

something about where did i go right where'd i go right that's it where'd i go right and it talks about him growing up in new york and then him his dysfunctional family is like fucked up and crazy but it's perfect for comedians so he learned how to deal with crazy people young so he went right into comedy and it was a perfect transition. Wow. And it's a great book. New York guy, Jewish guy, went to L.A., does the whole thing, mail room at William Morris, all that.

It's like the archetype story and just became the best. It's crazy. It says perfect transition, and it's from Elliot Page right there. Yeah, exactly. That's great. No, no, he's a legend. I've heard so much about him. So this is a great rec, Mark.

He had everybody. You know, he had Sandler at one point and then he had Mel Brooks and I'm talking about- Mel Brooks is a book out. Oh, does he? Yeah. And he does the audio book too.

Ooh, he's one of those guys we're lucky to still have. It's like 15 hours, which in your 90s, you're like, that's a big commitment. Yeah. Well, he's still working. That guy is still going. Yeah, legend. Legend. 15 hours which in your 90s you're like that's a big commitment yeah well he's still working that

guy is still going yeah legend legend read an article about how he met i don't know if it was in the new york magazine or new york or i forgot it might have been new york magazine or how he met ann bancroft he met her by heckling her at a show where she was singing you've heard this story in new york magazine in new york magazine my wife works there it's a it's a great story she did that story it's great yeah it's a great story beautiful photo too really let's see it okay wow he heckled her at the show she's way out of his league yeah for sure and uh and he was like oh man like and she goes and who the hell are you he goes oh i'm a nobody and she goes oh i know who you are i have your tapes uh two thousand year old man so he literally heckles

her singing and she was like oh i know you then-year-old man. So he literally heckles her singing, and she was like, oh, I know you. Then he wouldn't leave her alone. Yeah. He literally stalked her. But it was like back when stalking was okay. It was normal. That was Tinder. Without dating apps and DMs, that's how you met women back in the day.

You just harassed them relentlessly. Right. You were persistent. I found it at the gym. There you go. You see? That's all you had. Oh, that's a beautiful photo.

Wow. They're adorable. Look at that. She still looks good, by the way. She's dead, dude. Well. Are you kidding me? She died like a long time ago.

Really? Who am I thinking of? Ellen Mirren. Oh, yeah, she looks great. She looks great. She died a long time ago. Ellen Mirren? No. Oh. I get them looks great. She looks great. She died a long time ago. Ellen Mirren? No.

Oh. I get them mixed up. This topic. Wait, this is Mrs. Robinson, right? Yes. Yes. Dead. She died?

Dead. 15 years ago, ovarian cancer or something like that. Fun fact, you know how old she was as Mrs. Robinson? 36. That was a MILF back in the day. That was a MILF back then. I'm 38. Me too. Yeah, you'reF back then. I'm 38. Me too.

Yeah, you're over the hill. You're done. But no, you still look great. But it's funny that that was the... The MILF? The MILF. Like, oh, she's an old lady. 36.

Now MILF is like 67. You're like, how does that even... I know. I don't know how the math works, but I guess... Jane Fonda looks amazing. You still at it? Oh, fuck yeah. I mean, for the story.

Hell yeah. Grace and Frankie. You're the Frankie. Yeah, she looks great. I mean, I'm worried about her. I'm like, hey, lady, get out of the Botox place for one minute, will you? But she looks good. Yeah.

Hanging in there. She's lucid. She's still acting. Full head of hair. Legend. Legend. Can I give a rec? Sure, please. Licor lucid. She's still acting. Full head of hair. Legend. Legend. Can I give a rec? Sure, please.

Licorice pizza. Is it good? So fucking good. Ronon hated it. Hated it? Licorice pizza. Dude, it's Paul Thomas Anderson. It's a movie.

Oh, oh, oh, sorry. I've been drinking. I thought that was a food. I was like, you kids with your weed and your gummies. No, Ronon, our boy, it was like, it's not good. What is he talking about? I can't wait to see it. I'm dying to see it.

He's a movie buff. Self-proclaimed. Ronan is one of my best friends. He's a fucking hater, dude. He's a hater. He hates anything unless it's miserable. He'll like Florida Project, which I love. And we've got to get Simon Rex on the show because he's gotten all kinds of Oscar buzz for Red Rocket, his new movie that director's new.

An article about him in New York as well. I would love to get Rex on. I'm happy for the guy. Very nice guy. And it's cool that he's getting the show out, how good an actor he is. I did his pod. Me too, man. Oh, so yeah, we've got to get him on.

He loves us. Yeah, I saw him at the Cellar the other night. You saw him too. Yeah, I saw him too. He was the biggest laugher in the room that night. Well, I saw him at the Cellar the other night. You saw him, too. Yeah, I saw him, too. What a... He was the biggest laugher in the room that night. Well, I needed this. Licorice Pizza, Paul Thomas Anderson.

Where do you watch it? Lincoln Center. So it's in theaters. Yeah, 70 millimeter projection. Nice. I hear it's great. It's like 70s ecstasy. Critics, I mean, Ronanan hated it but critics say it's great

what's with ronan i don't i don't can't even see something not to like about ronan hated whiplash oh okay well he's a fucking hater he's a hater i liked it so much i came home from the theater and watched heart eight with stacy i was like now we gotta watch this i've never seen heart eight oh but it's good it's really good yeah casino flick right what's that casino flick yes yes and it's uh john c reilly and philip baker hall and and what's her name uh melissa leo no that was the cooler yeah oh no that was uh maria bello ah that's what i mean the cooler's good cooler's really good maria was. Oh, so hot. Hey, I had a joke about William H. Mason not being the lead. He's the lead in that fucking movie. Exactly.

He carries it. And guess who the supporting actor is? Baldwin. That's right. I think he got an Oscar nom for that shit. But I mean, hey, William H. carries Fargo. Oh, yeah. He's amazing.

He's always supporting, but no, he's an amazing actor. It's Gwyneth Paltrow and Sam Jackson. He also, the scene where Alec Baldwin, he's beating the shit out of someone, he actually lost control and really beat the shit out of them. He actually shot someone. He lost control and shot someone too. That was a joke I was making.

Oh, I'm sorry. That was a joke. I'm triggered. All right, it's a loose cannon. What can I say? Okay. What? Wait, what were we talking about?

You said something? Licorice pizza? Yeah, before that. I'm dying to see it, dude. Boogie Nights is one of my favorites. Really? I would like to see that as well. We should make a Patreon app where we go to that and get some popcorn.

Let's do it. Why did I just say man date? Like in the movie. Man cave, man date. Let me blow my fucking head off real quick. Please. I wanted to bring you another little treat of something else. Oh, no.

More booze? Just, because you know the Patron guys love you, obviously. And this is a neat pour of their new Añejo that's aged two and a half years in sherry barrels. Oh, God. Extra Añejo. We don't have to shoot him. All right. Hey.

Jamie works with liquor, I should tell you that, at home. Jamie, we love you. Thank you so much. I just wanted to try that new thing. That's just a little extra treat for you. All right. Thank you. Oh, boy.

Here, I have one for you, too. Hey. Just have a sip, Matt. Just have a sip. To the bartender. To the bartender. Cheers. No, you don't want to taste it?

Just dip your nose in it, dude. I mean, I'm going to drink plenty of this. Ooh, man. This is a fascinating scent. It sits like a whiskey. That's weird. It's, like, very bitter. Because it's a dry sherry barrel that it's aged in.

Whoa, that is fascinating. No kick, really, either. It doesn't have that, like, yeah. Dry sherry, worst porn name ever. Sally's back. No kick, dead baby. All right. Sally's back. No kick. Dead baby. All right. This is good.

That would be good in like Manhattan or an old fashioned. Really? Yeah, this is pretty interesting. It's now, I think it took a couple sips

because it's not what I was expecting. It's pretty damn good. You can get it in an old fashioned actually now in a bar room I believe.

It's like some of the bars are already doing it. It's an Añejo yeah tequila fried Patron Añejo is the good stuff

yeah if you get a tequila Añejo is yeah oh I thought the silver was good because there's no hangover just tell us the price

that's how I know if it's good or not it's up there it's up there Patron is good stuff though right oh yeah alright

that's all I drink now yeah I mean I love scotch I love whiskey I love bourbon but Patron is good stuff, though, right? Oh, yeah. All right. That's all I drink now. Yeah. I mean, I love scotch. I love whiskey. I love bourbon. But Patron, it's just clean. One lime squeeze, you're good. Maybe a splash of soda, and the hangover is pretty easy.

Yeah, I do a lot of wine on the road. I do a lot of vodka on the road because it's just, you know, it's simple. Yeah, it is. But you do get, sometimes you go too hard the night before and you do feel that like low, that depressive shit. But wine, no club has good wine, I feel like. Dude, some of these clubs just get it for me. Oh, okay. They'll just do the natural shit and it's like the hangover is nothing for that. Really?

It's the natural stuff. That natural, it's good. Yeah. Orange wine. It's good. Yeah. Orange wine. Speaking of clubs getting stuff for you, what are your riders? Can you tell us about that? Good question. What's in your contract that a club's got to have for you?

I don't. I'm not a rider guy. I'm ride or die. You know, I just show up. I do my jokes. I get drunk. I leave. I high five everybody.

I call them a horrible slur and I run out the building. I didn't have a rider until I worked with Gary Veeder, and he was like, you don't have a rider. He's like, you could be getting a rider. Yeah. And he was like, you need to have fresh fruit in here. And I was like, all right, fresh fruit. You heard all these horror stories about Eddie Griffin comes in

and he demands a new pair of Jordans, and he doesn't even take them. He just makes you get them and all that. Or he'll dunk them in the fucking champagne ice bucket afterwards. Yeah. I don't love that. So I was like, I don't want to be that guy i want to be like just the guy who comes in give me a cup of coffee coffee coffee fruit you'll be walking out with a bottle to something every night cough yeah but you can't fly with it anyway coffee fruit and uh pepto because the club's got the booze, so I don't really need booze. Exactly. But if they offer, some clubs just give you a bottle of whiskey or wine, and that's usually what I'll drink is whiskey or wine.

Has anyone ever asked for drugs? I have, yeah. You've asked for drugs? That's how I got drugged. That's how I got fentanyled. God damn it. Mark, if you fucking die and I'm stuck doing this podcast with just Salicues, no one's going to listen. Well, you get somebody else in here.

But wait, no, I go bananas, a granola bar, and tequila, which I already took off the list because you're right, it's already there. Now you've toured with big comics, yeah? What's in their room oh my god schumer had lagavulin i remember she had lagavulin which is great scotch she had a pd scotch a fruit bar with a with a a blender she had to have a blender so she could make a smoothie i think j-lo said like all the walls have to be covered with white sheets y Yikes. Yeah, like she was like doing a decorating thing. That was like...

That's like a rally. I don't know. White sheets? I don't get it. It's just she didn't want to look at shitty walls and bad artwork. So she was like cover everything with white so I don't have to look at anything.

That's my guess. That sounds like a lot. Yeah, it's a lot. I heard a fun thing from a rock star. I forgot who. Like a Dave Grohl type. Not him, but somebody like him where he's so famous, he's so

popular, everybody wants a photo, everybody wants an autograph, everybody wants to talk to him, that he does a rule where he goes, try to be a nice guy, try to talk to everybody, but sometimes you have a bad day. Sometimes you're hungover. Sometimes you're fighting with your wife. Whatever it is. So he puts his hood up and if his hood's up, don't talk to him.

If it's not up, I'm open game. Come over, say hello, shake my hand to him. If it's not up, I'm open game. Come over, say hello, shake my hand. Weirdly, he's in the Klan. But yeah, I thought that was a pretty good move. I was like, hey, at least you let people know. You're not like Ellen, where you're like, Ellen, you want this coffee? Ah, I'll kill you.

Ellen. Yeah, exactly. So at least you let them know. And Paul McCartney, Dana Gould told this story. Paul McCartney, he met at Conan or one of these Lettermans or one of these. And he's like, oh, my God, I'm a Beatles nut. Paul McCartney, holy shit, here we go. I got to say hello.

I got to say something. So he goes up to Paul McCartney, and he kind of just starts freaking out. He's like, Paul, I just, and Paul goes, take 15 seconds and then come back. And it seems kind of douchey, but it's like, you need 15 seconds. And then he gives you 15. He could just go, all right, you're done. But he gives you 15 seconds. He knows how big he is.

Exactly. And then they. I've heard he's cool, Paul McCartney. Oh, he seems like a great guy. Fucking genius. It's the most obvious sentence ever but but yeah and he's still alive he's the only one still going that's not true what about ann bancroft ringo died from ovarian cancer as well yeah uh when i met when i did the first gig with Seinfeld, you know, freaking out, Beacon Theater.

I'm in the green room with him. I get there way too early. I don't want to be late. I'm just sitting there. He comes in, takes the blazer off. Hey, what's up? And it's me and his, like, one man or one, what do you call it, right-hand man. And Kevin, great guy.

And he knows I'm freaking out. So he's like, just relax. He's a normal guy. I'm like, I know, I know. And he comes in, and you're like, I'll be fine. And when he comes in, it all hits you like, oh my God, I'm at the beacon. I'm opening for Jerry. I watched it when I was a kid with my parents. And he goes, how are you? And I go, ah, and I did one of those. And he goes, all right, how are you? And I had a mental, mental moment where I go, hey, this is it. Get it together.

I had like a pep talk with myself in the moment. Wow. And said like, talk to this motherfucker. Don't freak out. Don't geek out. This is it. You're here. Quit bitching.

Quit queefing. And I snapped into focus and then I was better. Wow. But I had to do that because it was too intense. It's Seinfeld. Yeah, no, it makes sense. Didn't he request to share a green room with the opening? He did, yeah, because he wants the hang.

He likes comics. Whereas a J-Lo would be like, I would never want to hang out with the opener, which is cool. Cool about Jerry. Damn, that's crazy. Yeah, no, it makes sense, though, that you just kind of lose it for a second. I lost it. He's Jerry. He's Jerry. He's Jerry.

Yeah, I lost it, and I had to mentally grab my shit and go, hey, Dickless, focus. And I did, and it went okay after that. You said it out loud. Jerry's like, what did you call me? Yeah, dude, you know, you do those late night sets, and then you just, like, you do a set, and it's kind of like a, you know, you're like, what the fuck just happened?

And then you're on the couch, and you're just chatting with like conan or colbert or fucking jimmy fallon or whoever or corden whoever it is camel whatever show you're doing and you're just kind of like oh wow this is weird yeah because we're just so used to the clubs and doing the work that we're not used to the celebrity bullshit we're not totally totally you know but then with a guy like conan i really did you know he's one of my heroes you know for so like ever since i was a little kid my brother always watched conan so my brother watching it made me think it was like cool my brother loving conan uh made me be like oh shit i'll look up to my brother my brother looks up to conan then you start watching conan you start staying up you start kind of showing up to school with not enough sleep and you're like yeah but i want to see in the year 2000 you know that sketch

you want to see all the dumb sketches because you know you love yeah you're just sitting there with him you're like whoa i'm just talking to conan and now you got a guy doing that to you we got a guy i mean after the show i know it's not conan but it's uh they watched uh they watch I uh what if I got this I got this they watched the rooftop they watched they watched uh out to lunch they watched Mark's new Netflix special 30 minutes which he hasn't plugged on this fucking podcast I don't want to bother anybody he's forgetting shit let's do it for the drinking Mark's new Netflix half hour I think you should have an hour personally but uh he's got a half and it's i haven't seen it yet because we're pre-recording these but i know it's fucking killer hey it's out right now on netflix get the date right now it's out right now yeah she showed up so where are you i was

there i can't wait to see it man i'm so excited it should be fun and i again it was a pandemic half hour where i put a lot of shit together and made it all work with gum and tape but it went well and it's dark as shit and i made it all work with gum and tape but it went well and it's dark as shit and i can't believe i got away with half of it i love it there's a lot of cosby says too that's uh yeah man also hey man beacon theater may 7th i hope you show up so mark said seinfeld beacon that's it to me it's a dream come true as a new york city kid so i hope you guys buy tickets to see me at the beacon theater in new New York City, May 7th. Tickets at samorell.com slash shows. Milestone.

I mean, that's an epic. Netflix is a milestone, man, because you fucking know, I mean, you did it the right way. I mean, I still think I'm like, part of me is angry because I'm like, you should have an hour.

You're a great standup. Well. I know. We all know the game is rigged and it's stupid. But I will say I slow down with that drink there but uh no you're you're a fucking beast you've been a beast and I've known you and uh I mean shit out to lunch but I'm like I'm also thinking like uh still got it you know

I'm thinking Mark's first album at Madison Comedy on State. Yes. You know, I'm thinking of jokes that are like, yeah, sure. But I mean, Mark, we've watched each other from the get-go. So it's fucking cool. It's cool to see you get shit. Well, the beacon is butts in seats. Netflix is like some dude from Mount Top. You could do the beacon, dude. I don't think so.

You could do the fucking. If I could do it, you could do it. Hometown hero, New York boy. You could do it if I could do it. I'll do it in a couple years. I'm saying enjoy the beacon look at us this is like a pulpit let's not two guys you can't feel good exactly in the words of uh harvey kytel let's not start sucking each other's dick just yet is that it is that the line yes all right i've been drinking but uh yeah all right either way we gotta run i But yeah, all right. Either way, we got to run.

I mean, she's got to go to get an abortion. We're going long here. Come on. Which week did this come out? January what, Matt Peters? 16. Oh, Jesus. So, you know, this-

We passed the Capitol run. Richmond. The anniversary. Richmond, Michigan, Timonium, Maryland, Hartford, Connecticut, Sacramento, Columbus. anniversary uh richmond michigan timonia maryland uh hartford connecticut sacramento columbus i probably added an la date by now and a san diego or houston date by now just go on my website who the fuck knows everything takes forever no one pays you what you're worth so you have to hold out but yeah a lot of good dates coming mark what do you do you got? Man, I'm all over the road. Kansas City, Sacramento Punchline, La Jolla Comedy Store.

Shit. You can't see that, Mark? I can't see it. I got to get more dates up there. Look at that. I'm way behind. Syracuse, Bridgeport, Connecticut. Dinosaur Barbecue.

Yeah. That's all that fucking city has. They tell you about it nonstop. It's sad. We got dinosaur barbecue. I'm like, cool, do you have a noose? Yeah, it's still on the tree, actually, out there. Yeah, shit, I can't think of my date.

I got to update my website. I got dates that are six years old on there. But yeah, go to marknormancomedy.com. I'll update it. By the time this is out, we'll have a whole bunch of new stuff on there uh but yeah go to mark norman comedy.com i'll update it by the time this is out we'll have a whole bunch of new stuff on there uh i think i'm doing uh cobs at one point doing chicago cobs is as good as it gets baby you got you got to go to sotamori or swan oyster depot while you're there hell yeah seafood in the game is that where we went with schumer we went to

sotamori with schumer i went there with v Oh, nice. Amy bought out the whole fucking place. I know. Remember that? I know. That was big money. That was a big dick move. Yeah. That was badass. That was great. Clusterfest. It was a Theo Vaughn.

It was a Nikki Glaser. We had a good crew. Rachel. Rachel, the guy from Drunk History was there. Who fucking snubbed you. I know. I know. What the fuck is that? He wasn't ready to see me.

He was like, oh, hey, you're here. I'm like, I'm here. I must have said something so horrible on that show that it just couldn't be couldn't be aired

well it's called drunk history what do they want I know I got drunk you were drunk you're history my career's history

alright thanks email us at we might be drunk pod at gmail.com wrecks peeves jokes drinks

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And on Twitter, just Jamie Samantha. You can catch me at shows I always share dates, and I have Broadway Comedy Club, January 15th. Thank you. Terima kasih telah menonton! so so Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.