We Might Be Drunk - Ep 60: Wil Sylvince

Episode Date: January 31, 2022

Sharing a drink with Wil Sylvince https://www.wilsylvince.com/ A lot of censoring our search history on this one. Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at BetterHelp.com/Drunk Mark Normand and Sam Morril can be seen on the road at a club near you. Visit MarkNormandComedy.com and SamMorril.com for more details! Join the Patreon for bonus episodes weekly and more bonus content: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod Send us emails [e-mail] Send us mail: Gotham Podcast Studio 39 West 38th Street, 10th Fl New York, NY 10018

we might be drunk we might be drunk as long as we are hanging out you know we might be drunk raise a glass let's talk shit pep heaps wrecks and a bit maybe drunk we might be drunk hey go microphone check hold on a second i I'm sorry, guys. He's got to spray it. Get this off. We're recording. All right. I don't trust you white people. And that's a great intro for this new episode.

Welcome back to We Might Be Drunk. Our good buddy, Will Silvan. Thanks for having me, man. Good to have you there. Shout out to the person who canceled. Nobody canceled. It's oh nobody canceled it's all you how's y'all doing man mark norman samuel doing good what do you seem combative what's going on your team on edge no not at all all right all right be here my two checking my two favorite

whites i'll take it thank you who is in the running you canceled who canceled alright thanks for coming here man dude I haven't seen you forever I've known you for how many years oh yeah like before Tupac got shot the first time that's true

I knew you for a while has this always been the setting or this is a socially distanced setting? Sadly, always. We like to keep a little distance. You guys was ahead of your time. You got that right. So is my biological father.

Very distant. Socially distant. Your dad was Jewish? What does that mean? I'm just saying, black dads always get the bad rep for not being around. I just want to shout out to the Jewish dads that's not around. Good point. Shout out to the Jewish dads

that's talking about they're going to... Good argument that we control the media and the dialogue for this. We're not talking about Jewish dads. Shout out to the Jewish dads talking about I'm going to get a bagel and never come back. Too soon?

Am I going to get kicked out of my apartment for that one? That's good. Jews have had a bad couple years. You got Madoff. You got Woody Allen. You got Epstein. You got Weinstein.

A couple of bad Jews. My landlord. Landlord. Thank God Maxwell wasn't Jewish. We would have been fucked, you know? Who's Maxwell? Oh, Ghislaine. Ghislaine.

Oh, the one that she's got convicted. Yeah, she got 60 years. CDC says she wants to do 30. The argument was you're only going after me because Epstein is out. Because he died. But I feel like they wouldn't go after her anyway because she was like- She was in it. She was rallying them up.

Yes, she was the recruiter. But I do- That was her defense. Take your time. Take your time, please. We're going to be blunt with you. We've been drinking since the last episode with Gaffigan. We've done two drinking eps in a day.

So Mark and I... Well, you keep looking over there. That camera's over there? The studio producer. The producer's right there. Yeah. There you go. I'm like, he keeps looking at the camera.

Oh, I feel better drinking with a guy with a turtleneck, though. I feel like I'm more sophisticated. After this, we're going to rob... We're going to do an Ocean's Eleven type heist. Sam looks like a drama teacher who's banging his students. Here we go. Here's what really happened in Macbeth. So, yeah, so she said, who was worse, Epstein or the person that rallied up the girls for Epstein?

I guess he banged him, so I guess that's worse. But she recruited. She was the scout. Yeah. So who's... If Mark bombs, who's responsible, him or his agent? Oh, good point. Him or the jokes?

I mean, here's my thing. She is part of it. You can't... Yeah. And that's the whole argument, right? That he commits suicide. If you're not watching this on YouTube, you can see what I'm doing with my fingers. Air quotes.

Commits suicide. That's one with the sleepy guard. That's one where you're like, you see that in a movie. You're like, come on. Yeah. I'm not a big conspiracy theorist guy, but that's a layup right there. So why isn't she singing like a canary? You thought, oh, she's going to get in trouble,

so she's going to start outing Bill Clinton and Chelsea Handler. Yeah, but I think because Epstein had the names down, and she just got the girls. Oh, she's got names. She's got names. The Pilots got names. I get the celebrities. He's like, I get the celebrities, you get the girls.

Ah-ha. But you'd think she would say some shit to get out of the jail time she's got she's doing a couple years over yeah but i i think she didn't think she was gonna get time because her main argument was you're only going after me because f seems out the picture so i think that was their big push yeah but that's not enough of a push because she was still there i mean she was still involved it's like being like oh yeah i know they robbed the bank i was just the wheel man. Can someone, by the way, can someone Photoshop a picture of me rubbing Mark's feet like Jelaine did to Epstein?

You've seen that picture. That picture that's gotten around where she's rubbing his feet. You're like, man, this guy, this guy just sucked. Wait, she was rubbing his feet? Yeah. On a private jet. On a private jet. This guy just lived very well. She was rubbing Epstein's feet on a private jet?

Yeah. Yeah, well, he was, you he was bankrolling the whole situation. She wanted that rich lifestyle, and he could provide that. Did Jesus do that to a woman? Oh, yeah. Rub the feet. Yeah. That's right.

She was a Jew. Look at that. She got the tits out and everything. Oh, damn. She's like a chess fucking. Can I say that? I'm sorry. Who?

Titty fuck. Oh, titty fuck. Yeah, of course. This whole show is centered around titty fucking. Go nuts. Feet fuck. It does make you mad that we fly commercial when you see this shit, doesn't it? I know. We're decent people.

Hold up the hell. Hold up, Hammer. Good point. I've seen people do this on regular planes. They just put their feet up. Oh, good point. Right? Without the titties and the white girl rubbing it.

But I see people do this on a- We need to conduct an investigation into these people. Yes. To see how they're living their lives. Those people are worse than Epstein. Yeah. Anytime someone takes their shoes off on a flight, it's a balls. If you're in like one of those first class pods and you've got space.

Sure. That's different. That's different. Put your penis out if you want. Yes. Whip it out different. That's different. Put your penis out if you want. Yes. Whip it out, dude. Virgin air. If you're in the coach, right, with all the lab rats.

Yeah. And you pull out your, wait, you're talking about take your shoe off. I haven't seen a coach do that since Sandusky. And put your feet under the chair or put your feet on the hand rest. That's crazy. I've seen it. That's rough. It's gross. You're a traveler. You're a well-behaved traveler, right? crazy. I've seen it. That's rough. It's gross.

You're a traveler. You're a well-behaved traveler, right? Yeah, I don't know. I always get a window seat, and then as soon as the doors close, lay on the window and knock out until we land. Oh, you're one of those guys. That's a gift. I wish I had that.

I'll pass out for 10 minutes, but I like the aisle because I can get up and move around. You're trapped. What are you trying to move around for? Well, you go to the bathroom. you walk around, you stretch out, you maybe go up in the overhead, you talk to the pilot, you get the wings. Dude, what the hell are you doing all that on the damn flight for? I'm bored. I'm bored.

I need to get up too. I like to stretch, especially on a long flight, I like to stretch. I pee a lot because I do coffee or booze on a flight. So you know I'm getting up. I don't do none of that. What if it's cross country? I pee before I get on the flight, get on the flight, and I just knock i'm getting up i don't do none of that i pee before i go get on the flight get on the flight and i just knock out you're you're a health nut well you're like you

see like we we do coffee we drink you're a green tea guy so i feel like you can kind of just you take such good care of yourself that's what i've noticed why is there a bad stigma to it it's not a bad stigma that's a good boy What's the opposite of a health nut? A gun nut? A drunk nut? A degenerate. Yeah. A slob. Yeah, but a health nut sounds like bad, right?

Well, you got nut in there, which is never good. Yeah. You don't hear about like- Although nuts are healthy for you, though. Good point. Exactly. Nut is not to go you crazy. It's more of like-

And then A, I like to bust a nut. That's true. If I say I'm a basketball nut, that doesn't mean I'm crazy. It means I love basketball, right? All right. Good save. Right. That's meaning it was a-

A 15-year-old nut. He was nuts about teens. And he busted a nut. I assume. I heard he had a weird dick. Yeah, egg-shaped. Egg-shaped. What's an egg-shaped dick? They called it over easy. What's he had a weird dick. Yeah, egg-shaped. Egg-shaped. They called it over easy.

What's an egg-shaped dick? Shaped like an egg. Like omelet? No. He wishes. An omelet's a compliment. That's 10 inches. What is that?

What is that, four eggs right there? Jesus Christ. I got mushrooms in here. I got bell peppers. This is a Denver dick. I hope you like feta. What's an egg-shaped dick? I guess the balls would be hash browns.

So wait, it's round? Like an egg. So it looks like he got three balls. Is there a way to Google this, Matt, without getting thrown off YouTube? Egg dick. Egg dick. Egg dick. So it's three balls. He's an egg beater. Egg beater?

Whoa! Egg dick, egg dick, egg dick. So it's three balls. He's an egg beater. Egg beater? Whoa, wait, that's black. That's Will's dick. No, I've seen Will's dick. It's much bigger. That's true. We've all seen it. Wait, wait, who said he had an egg-shaped dick? They said in the trial.

One of the girls? The girls, yeah. Oh, two, yeah. That's how they identified him. Egg-shaped dick. Did someone say, can we get more details please in the courtroom it'd be nice we gotta crack the case they just said hey can we come can you give us a little bit more detail yeah apparently his pickup line was cock-a-doodle-doo too yeah man that's uh that's a dark story. Every time they saw his dick, it was like, egg-shaped penis. Wait, go back to the headline.

See? There you go. Right there. When he pulled his dick out, the girl was like, excellent. Nothing too soon. Great expectations. Let's get this going.

Exactly. Someone asked him if he had an egg-shaped penis? That's what I heard I heard Harvey's dick was all fucked up as well by the way so we might have a pattern here freaking Hitler Hitler had one ball

he had a micro penis he had one ball I heard he had one ball I never heard about the one ball thing I believe that's true I definitely know the micro penis. I've seen enough history. Dude, I'll tell you, the History Channel leans on Hitler the way CNN leans on Trump.

They hate him, but they also kind of love him. That's great. Which one? Who's this? They keep the lights on over there. The History Channel loves. Oh, yeah. They always like.

Nat Geo. Hitler in the fifth grade. He could have been an artist. This is Hitler when he took up a hobby in high school. Really did have one testicle from the Guardian. You think that's what did it?

Yeah, I think you got a... Because Dez Bishop got one testicle. Does he? Yeah, he talked about it all day. Well, he hates Jews. What about this micro-penis? I've never heard about the micro. What's a micro penis? What do you think of it?

What do you think of it? Combine the two words, Will. What's a micro chip? Pull them up. There it is. That's not even a penis. That's a penis. That's a belly button. Hold on. Hold on. We need a better photo.

Are we going to get in trouble for this, Matt? Is that a micro? You're going to blur this, right? Yeah, I'm blurring this. Holy hell. But that's not even a micro penis. That's like an innie penis. That's an innie.

Uncircumcised innie. Remember when you were a kid and they were like, belly button, innie or outtie? The poor kid doing that with his dick? That's got to suck. By the way, shout out to all the women when they had sex with these dudes and they still moan and like. I think the women are penetrating them. I don't think they're doing anything. I'm saying that.

That's not going inside anyone. Shout out to them. They still like being there for the dude. They deserve a medal. They deserve like, you know, they're keeping the world safe. I feel like a woman's being nice. My girl, every time I go down on. I feel like a woman's being nice. My girl, every time I go down on her, I feel like she's being nice.

I don't know what I'm doing down there. Really? I think you know what you're doing. Maybe. Still? I think people like to act like the vagina is so complicated. No. I think you get the hang of it.

You definitely do. You figure it out. Yeah. And then she'll guide you and stuff. When I was in high school, my high school girlfriend, we were pretty hot and heavy. And I, one day I just said, Hey, look,

I'm going to go down on you and I want a full report. I want you to say what I'm doing wrong, what I need to do more of, what sucks, what to get rid of. And I, and it hurt, but I learned a lot.

You was that proactive back then? Oh yeah. That's how Mark passed high school English. Yes. It was my third grade teacher. Did you really ask for it? And she gave you pointers? Totally, totally.

And I still use them to this day. Well, it's actually very smart because Mark is trying to succeed, and you succeed by failing and then asking for notes, right? Exactly. That's how you get good at anything. That's a good point. Yeah, I learned a lot. That's a great way to live, Mark.

It stung. Don't get me wrong. What stung about it? Well, she had gonorrhea. The chlamydia. Like mine. Thank God we went with different ones, too. That's pretty good.

What did you say? I said chlamydia. I said gonorrhea. Oh, shoot. You guys are having sex with the same girl? One of our periods are synced up. Our jokes are synced up. Our jokes are synced up. We've been hanging out too much.

I hope I don't get canceled or kicked out. Your hair looks like you got a yarmulke on it. Does it look bad? Oh, I can see it. It's dark in the back and it's gray or tinted up front. Is it your birthday or something? My birthday. Hanukkah?

I don't know. I told you guys wear yarmulkes right on your birthday. Why? Am I going gray? Is that what it is? No. Thank you, Sid. I see.

Well, you got a little gray. I got gray on the sides. No, no, on the back. But on the back, it's black as night. Oh, really? Yeah. Do you want to put the dye in the back? Oh, no.

I don't touch it. I mean, you know. Chicks like the gray. Do they? Yeah. It's a good movie. Is that what they tell you? I think a lot of girls say it's distinguished.

They say it's refined. You're a little older, a little salt and pep. What's the word? The girls we hang out with. Yes, Silver Fox. We're going for age appropriate girls. What did Esty's girls say? They didn't like the gray.

They like a frosted tip. They like the eggs. Hey, is there any bacon with this? You know I'm Jewish. I don't eat bacon. You guys don't eat bacon, right? I eat bacon. He's not a full Jew.

Orthodox Jews don't. Religious Jews don't touch it. Is that what you said? If you're kosher. He works every Saturday. He's not full on. He worked with me on Saturdays. We've done the road together, buddy.

Whoa, Aziz tour. We toured with Aziz together. And Will is, I have to say, I love Will. Will's like one of my good friends. Will is the ultimate troll. Will fucks with you nonstop. I remember Will and I once, we stayed in a dumpy hotel.

I don't know what we were thinking. Really, on the Aziz tour? He couldn't hook it up? Well, we stayed in a dumpy hotel. I don't know what we were thinking. Really? On the Aziz tour? He couldn't hook it up? Well, we choose our hotel. We get buyouts and we choose our own hotel. And we thought it was nicer than it was. I text Will, where are you staying?

I'm like, I'll just stay with Will. We started walking, it was years ago. We started walking down the street. And we walk a while to see. And I'm teasing Will because he's got so much luggage with him. So much luggage. I got one luggage I he's got so much luggage with him. So much luggage. I got one luggage I can't. You had stuff with you.

And I'm telling Will, like, let's fucking take an Uber to meet him. Because it's like a long walk down this weird highway. And Will's like, no, let's walk. I'm like, fuck it. I'm like, damn, Will. You want to go everywhere gorilla style. We're in the car. Will goes, why are you calling me a gorilla?

And I'm like, what the fuck? The driver's like, Jesus Christ, you can tell. What the hell? The worst one was Phil Hanley. Phil Hanley stayed at a hotel. Ricky Velez asked Phil, you know, just get the hotel. And I hid my credit card and stuff. Phil Hanley booked a hotel with a sharing bathroom.

What? Yeah. Well, it's very unlike Phil. I phil phil's a prissy bitch i like to save money more than he is really yeah wow well he's saving up for rolexes and cardigans you know phil phil will stay in a fucking uh homeless shelter but he shows up with a fucking new silver rolex was it worth it was it worth it he's canadian all the money he saved at these hotels he able to buy a rolex phil's gonna have to walk phil on here to promote his new special coming out which i can't wait that'll be soon that's right looking forward to the taping he killed it he killed it he was great oh yeah we're

talking right now with aziz again oh yeah are you fucking with phil on the road right now he's fucking with me more than i'm fucking with him. Really? That's not what I hear. Tell me, how is he fucking with you? You know, Phil with his, his quick zings, his cunting lines.

his stuff. He's funny, though. Phil shits on you like a Brit where you don't know he insulted you until as you're walking away.

It's like a quick drive-by. It's like that samurai guy that cuts you so quick and you don't know you're cut. Right, then later you're like, shit, my arm came off Your head starts sliding off Ah, you missed That's perfect

What cities have you been in, Will? We just did Charlotte We did Charleston You guys ever been to Charleston? I love Charleston What did I say? You said Charl They changed it? Same name, been around for a while I did. Charleston, not Charleston. What did I say? You said Charl. Charleston. Charl.

They changed it? Same name. Been around for a while. Where did you play in Charleston? Shoot, I forgot the theater. Oh, something good. Oh, I think I played there. I played there with Louie.

It's a nice, beautiful theater, by the way. That's a beautiful city. That town, I never seen the whitest of white people. Oh, it's seersucker. You guys will be Puerto Rican over there. I'm not lying. They're very white. Yes.

Southern charm is a lifestyle over there. Yeah, for sure. Charleston's a beautiful city. Oh, yeah. Great houses. Great food. Yeah, it's almost like New Orleans if it got its shit together. Interesting.

New Orleans is like party and booze, and Charleston's like, we'll sit on the porch in a suit and drink. Yeah, I went by the water, too, in Charleston. Yeah. Do you do that on the road? I don't do none of that stuff. What do you do when you wake up? I just stay in my hotel, invite, and make some calls, and that's about it.

But I want to walk around because the city is really nice. But, you know, put a double mask. Were you flying private? No. Damn. Commercial? Commercial, yeah. I don't care about all that.

Really? As long as the plane lands, that's all that matters. What about the Dave Chappelle tour? That was not tour, but you guys were going to the, what do you call it, the compound. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was private. That was private, yeah. How was that? That was nice. Chappelle,, weren't that? Not tour, but you guys were going to the, what do you call it, the compound. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was private. That was private, yeah.

How was that? That was nice. Chappelle, oh, man. That was one of the best things of 2020. Like, 2020, I was so depressed, but then I went to hang out with Chappelle in Ohio. In Ohio. Man, that was- You've toured with everybody, man.

That was freaking so fun, man. It looked like summer camp over there. But, you know, when you tour with these people, like, it's so much whether it's chapelle aziz louis right um who else i find you used to tour with cat williams cat oh yeah the story you got to tell some cat williams stories i mean this shit don't let the bag of money we love cat williams so please tell us some he's got the best cat williams stories i love cat cat Cat Williams. Who's taller? You or Cat? I'm taller than Cat. All right. Because you're what?

5'2"? Yeah, but Cat's career is way taller than me. Than me and my career are stacked on top. There was a story with you and Cat where you guys took the private jet and he drove, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell that story. No, no. I want to say that.

I'll tell you this other story. Tell us some of it. Cat was on stage. He comes out on stage, right? And Cat will let you take pictures, but in the beginning. So he comes out. He tells the car, go ahead. Take your pictures.

Take your pictures. Go ahead, niggas. Go ahead. All right. All right. All right. You get enough? All right.

Hey, my camera's off, niggas. All right. And then he starts telling his All right. You get enough? All right. Hey, my camera's off, niggas. All right. And then he starts telling his jokes. He's walking around telling his jokes. And this is an arena. Yeah. This is a theater in Seattle, I believe. Okay.

And Cat is walking around doing his jokes. And then some dude was like, fuck that. I want to repeat. He got his camera out. Not only got his camera out, but the light. Huge. Three. The stage is lit camera out, but the light. Huge. Three. The stage is lit, motherfucker.

We got lights. We set lights. Yeah. Right? And Cat is just doing his jokes. And Cat just looked like, nigga. And he walks off stage in the audience and go, what I told you. And then bash him in the head with the microphone.

What? Wow. And then bashed him in the head with the microphone. What? Wow. And then the guy was like. And the cat walked back on stage. Anyway, like I was saying. Wow. It went right back into his routine. I mean, that must have killed just that balk noise.

It's online. It's on YouTube. Oh, yeah? Yeah, you can see it. Pull it up. It's funny as shit. Wow. What about the bag of money you told me about? Okay, so

Cat is very generous, right? Yes. I mean, the first time I met Cat, I did a show in LA at a comedy club, and I What club were you at? The Laugh Factory. Good club. I just went up, they just put, they gave me a guest spot, and I did a good job,

right? And then Cat went up behind me, and Cat goes, damn, I was just going to work out some jokes, but this nigga make me want to work. Yeah. So that's nice. And he didn't know you before this. Oh, he knew me, but we didn't like, he knew me. Like we, we worked at Caroline's and some other clubs, but we, this is the first time

we interacted, you know? So at the end of the show, Kat comes up and he said, come here. I want to talk to you. My heart starts racing. I'm like, what the heck? You know, you know, you know, you know the history, the show, Cat comes up and he said, come here. I want to talk to you. My heart starts racing. I'm like, what the? You know the history about Cat's gangster. Yeah, oh yeah. So I want to talk to you.

I go, what? He says, these clubs, they treat us like shit. And he just goes in his pocket. I'm like, oh. And he pulls out a lot of money and put it in my hand. Wow. You deserve this for all the work you did young man and i go thanks camp but but you don't have to shut up take it put the gun in your head put the money in your pocket yo he's the nicest dude he just gave me this money it was how much did he give you it was 800 it was 800 100 bills and this is in the 80s

yo he just gave me this money i felt like i didn't know like i thanked him like a thousand times like wow this is the nicest dude right oh two weeks later at the comedy store same thing happened again they give me a guest buy and cat goes on after me and then and i'm outside hanging out he said come here i can't believe it god damn it you're gonna make me lose my money and he just goes in his pocket i'm like cat cat it's cool shut up and he just gave me everything he had in his pocket he's like a pimp dude he's no he's a freaking he's amazing human being and just gave me this money. And just cause, you know, he feels like as hard as we work for these clubs and they don't pay a shit. They didn't pay me shit.

Two weeks later, Will was on the street corner working for him. Actually, a week later, he hit me up to go on tour with him. Whoa, that's a great text to get. He's like, yo. Really? Yeah. And I was like, yes. How was the road with him?

Great. Cat treats me nice. He utmost respect. And he does, I've never seen anybody do this. Every time he goes in his rider, he gets the local paper. The local paper of that town. Not the nation, the local, local paper of that town. He reads it from beginning to end.

Wow. When he comes out, he does 15 to 20 minutes on that town. Wow. Crowd is going shit crazy. That's hard to follow. It's like having an opening act. Yes. That's doing local references.

Local shit. This guy can't go nowhere. Cat is doing that for himself. Wow. He cares. Yeah. That's rare. And then Cat does a show within the show, meaning he'll put on like five comics, right? Cat is doing that for himself. Wow. He cares. Yeah. That's rare.

And then Cat does a show within the show, meaning he'll put on like five comics, right? The host and five other comics, right? Intermission and then Cat, right? So they get a show, like the comics on the show is like, he had Ginny Yashere, John Witherspoon. Whoa. uh, Jeannie, Jeannie Yashere,

um, um, John Weatherspoon. Whoa. So like he puts a show within the show. And then, so he's like, yeah, I gave you niggas a show.

So now I could do what the fuck I want to do. And, and, and what the fuck you want to do is still fucking amazing. Of course. He's hilarious, but he's working on stuff always. Yeah.

He's kind of, yeah. Cat is constantly working. Now this could be a black thing, and correct me if I'm wrong, but. Oh, you wanna say that word? Yes. You're making me wanna work, Edward. He

made it off of a spot on a movie. He did a movie, what was it, Friday after next? Yeah. Was that what broke him? I feel like that's a thing in the black community where you can be in a movie and kill it like Chris Tucker, although he did Def Jam. But Chris Tucker kills so many movies. This is it.

I'll say this. Black people will be like, this guy's funny. We'll go see him. Whereas a white guy, if you're in a movie and being funny, if you're like, that's a funny guy in a movie. I'll say this. Cat is who made Cat. That makes sense.

His standup always was solid. So he was doing standup the the whole time yeah the whole time okay and then he did this little movie spot which gave him more like people like oh who's this guy so then when they went to go see him it was like he was already like it's almost like someone who came out and blow off on something but they only got 10 minutes to stay right right minutes to stand up or they're not really that funny at all yes so you're saying so that makes it it's like when you finally get that light and then like okay let's see what you got and then oh you ain't got he just got a bump that was all it was he got a bump he got a little bump but i think yeah but cat but no he's been funny how about how

about the time and was it in new york where he was throwing the money out can we tell that story oh yeah yeah okay yes this is what i was looking for. Was this in New York? This was, this is one of these tour dates. So Cat comes out, right? So after the show, so like I say, he does a show within the show, right? And then Cat comes out

at the intermission. Yep. Brow is going shit crazy. Shit crazy, right? And then the music is playing. He's just pacing the stage as the crowd going crazy. Shit crazy. Right? And then the music is playing. He's just pacing the stage. The crowd going crazy. Ah! Oh, my God, Cat!

And then he just take off his... He got a diamond ring. Takes it off. And he throws it in the crowd. He just throws it. Oh, my God. Someone catches it. Right?

And he's pacing. He takes off his Rolex, some expensive-ass watch, right? With diamonds around him and then throws it. Phil Hanley jumped up and grabbed it. He has a fur mink hat. What? He takes off the mink hat and throws it in the audience. Wow.

He got a thick fur mink coat. Takes off the mink coat and throws it. Crowd is going crazy. Of course. Meanwhile, he has not started yet. Music is still playing. Wow. And he's pasting, right?

We wouldn't be able to follow his nonverbal act. No, God no. I throw my Apple watch. People are like, what are you doing? I throw my Casio watch. Yeah. My Casio. Timex.

Timex. So he throws his – so then he he goes like he's trusting his pockets he goes when hold on one like one minute he goes backstage now i i show preference um cat gets his money in cash wow all cash old fuck around uh and they put his cash in two paper bags. Jesus Christ. At the time, he was getting paid $250,000 per show. Okay. Wow. And they put two paper bags, right? I think he had either four paper bags or two paper bags with all the money, right?

And when we're on the tour bus, he gets on the tour bus and he takes his money with him because he don't trust the bus drivers. He leaves it backstage behind the curtain right okay um and he's pacing the stage pacing the stage he's checking his pocket he go i'll be right back he goes back and grab one of the paper oh my god right comes out how's he gonna follow us with the material hey uber's weird huh i mean this is you can't beat cash hold up hold up hammer he takes the bag, throws it in the audience. It didn't fly out. One person caught the bag.

What? Right? That's probably 100 grand. Whatever it was, one person caught the bag, right? Wow. Backstage, his security and his format. It's like the beginning of Fargo. His security, his manager going crazy.

Yo, Cat just threw one of the bags in the audience. Cat just threw one of the bags in the audience. He's pacing the stage, right? Crowd going crazy. And the person who caught the bag is disappointed. It's just a paper bag. He got a Rolex. I got a bag?

Yeah. Right? And Cat goes, I'll be right back. Oh, no. And they say on the walkie-talkie, he's coming back for the other bag. Hide it. Oh, my God. Hide it because you're like, we don't want this dude to blow all the money he's

making tonight yeah and that guy's probably getting paid off that bag the security guy so they hide the bag right and he comes backstage he goes to the to the secure and the people where's the bag where's the bag and he goes and then we don't know cat and then he goes back on stage this is like the movie heat but he's robbing himself. He grabs the mic. He kills the music. He goes, I have more gifts for you, but the niggas in the back are fucking up. Anyway, welcome. Wow.

Jesus. He's the best to ever do. I love him. I love him off these stories alone. I didn't have any of those stories with Tom Papa. I'll tell you that. He throw his whole game to the audience. What about, can you tell the Jet story or no?

I won't say everything, man. Save it, save it. I feel like, yeah. Save it. He flew Epstein's plane. I didn't want to tell that one. I didn't want to tell that one. He has an egg-shaped penis.

Yeah. Anyway, no, Cat Williams sounds like the best. He's one of the best, man. And obviously one of the best man and obviously one of the funniest as well so yeah shout out hey man cat williams if you're ever listening yes we'd love to have you oh what do we call this the drunk tank what do we call in this room yeah i like that and cat i'll say also man he paid me the most ever out of all the comics i worked and you've worked with the biggest i work worked with a lot of comics

but don't get me by not criticizing other people. Sure, sure. He took to me. Who's your favorite to be on the road with? Because you've worked

with everybody. Dude, there's no, just to be on the road with any one of these guys to be honest, man. I have nothing bad to say about anybody I worked with

with the comics that took me on the road. Like all good things. What about Cosby? I mean, I was asleep the whole time. That was just his act. Now, what do you think, what do you think,

but you're on with Chappelle, I mean like that's gotta be insane. I mean, Dave is such a legend. I mean, you know, for so long he's been a legend. Yeah. So, I mean, I feel like he was a legend in his, like, 30s, which is hilarious. And he worked with Patrice. I mean, Will's been around.

You were roommates with Patrice, don't you? Eight years with Patrice. You lived with him for eight years. Did he, do you feel like he bestowed a lot of, you know, comedy knowledge? He was longer in the game than you did. Oh, yeah. He was, like, every morning, wake me up, curse me out, and drop knowledge nonstop. We talked about so many things. And it's one of those things, to be honest, man, is like you think he's going to be around

for a long time, so I'm not taking it in like I should have. If I would have known what I know now, like I would have like recorded. Like I did the first ever Patrice O'Neal podcast, believe it or not. Really? Beige Phillip? 2001. Wow. I had a mini disc. it or not. Really? Beige Phillip? 2001. Wow. I had a mini disc.

What? Yeah. You want a mini disc? Yeah. And then Patrice was doing this whole thing about rating women from 1 to 30. Uh-huh. You know, 10, 10, 10. Do you know about that?

No, no. That bit. Funniest shit. And I said, yo, dude, we should get some girls in here and and do and talk and do a show yeah

this is funny as shit so we did we taped two shows and we got some girls in the apartment and I cooked some food and we

what started recording can you cook Will huh can you cook oh yeah I love cooking what when I was eating fish

I cooked stuffed salmon. You're off fish? Huh? You're off fish? I'm vegan, but I'm not an asshole. So that's no caffeine, no booze, no meat, no sugar, no fish. Is that he is so healthy, but he's so generous.

I'm not so healthy. But you know what? You treat yourself occasionally, but whenever you're eating at the cellar, you've always got some vegan restaurant food, and you're always like, try this, try this. You curse me out. I chin you a little bit, playfully. You call me the N-word every time, Mike. You know what?

I know these N-words. Y'all N-words eat this shit. This is what he fucking does. This is what he does. I brought up the gorilla shit earlier. He's a fucking asshole. This guy's a fucking asshole. Tell us about opening for Kramer.

He's a fucking asshole. This guy's a fucking asshole. Tell us about opening for Kramer. Will will fuck you to the death. But yeah, what's your go-to vegan? Do you cook vegan? I cook vegan, yeah. What do you make? I make...

What do I make? Do you go Haitian? Like a vegan pasta. Okay, there you go. I make that Do you go Haitian? Like a vegan pasta. Okay, there you go. I make that sometimes. It's good. It's like the sauce. Do you do like Beyond Sausage or something?

What do you do? I stop messing with Beyond stuff. I heard it's not good. Do they put so much shit in there to make it taste like meat? Exactly. It's like you might just eat real meat. Eat the meat because there's more more ingredients in there to you know shit yeah that and they call it eat it

more for the taste and the nutritional value i mean i actually think it tastes really good it does taste good but you're right if you're talking about the nutritional value yeah that the sodium and all the other shit and't and this for sure cancer causing things um they they put is it's just that's that's the worst way to get canned how'd you get how'd you get cancer i was vegan hope it was worth it this other guy's got throat cancer he smoked a pack a day and drank every uh other hour they didn't say eating vaginas cause the cancer i heard that yeah but if you're going to get it going down on Catherine Zeta-Jones,

not the worst way to go. Not the worst way to go. Totally. Hear, hear. Yeah, you only ate pussy for like 25 years and shit. It was goddamn worth it. I had four pussies a day.

Every time he stopped going down, he'd go, and all that jazz, Chicago. All right. No, Catherine Zeta-Jones, I mean, come on. Who's that? That's his wife. No, Catherine Zeta-Jones. I mean, come on. Who's that?

That's his wife. Pull up Catherine Zeta-Jones. Pull up the scene in Entrapment where she goes under the laser with her ass. Yeah. And she did what? Huh? You'll see it. Is she an actress?

Yeah. Do you not know Catherine Zeta-Jones? Michael Douglas' wife. I'm not good with names, man. She's the one who gave him cancer. Oh, that's the one that- Her vagina. Oh, they still married?

Oh, yeah. That's a good husband gave him cancer. Oh, that's the one that- Her vagina. Are they still married? Oh, yeah. That's a good husband. He said till death. She's like, he's the male version of Magic Johnson's wife. Oh, yes. There you go. Yeah. Yeah.

Except Magic didn't get it from his wife. There it is. Look at that. Oh, come on. That was big in the Norman household, I'll tell you that. What movie is that entrapment that wasn't that entrapping us that scene well the problem is she doesn't have much of an anal but uh she does position it really works one more time matt for the kids at home

we don't want to oh great actress too i mean like yes like legit talent hold on let me ask you this very good let me ask you this you think that scene was in the script hold up Hammer you think that scene was in the script or they say hey what skills do you have and she said I can do this and they wrote that scene in the script

I don't think Holly was allowed to say that anymore back then Will that's the 90s that's what I'm saying that scene right there let's say she couldn't do that back then will yeah anybody's guess this is the 90s yeah that's what i'm saying like look like that scene right there like let's say she couldn't do that that's some yoga type movement it might have been a body double too michael douglas is hollywood royalty though so i think it worked out okay for both of them yeah yeah for sure they look like night and day look how young she looks

well yeah i mean she look i mean let's be real He's old as shit and she's gorgeous. I mean. But he's probably 25 years older. Let's take a guess. Is that it? Take a guess. 25 sounds all right. She looks hot. I think he could be more than 25. He might be.

You might be right. He could be 30. Now, what is the rule here? Now, I've been drinking. I'll tell you. You know, my girlfriend and I the other night were like, we're just going through Amazon. 25. Wow.

I nailed it. 25. You nailed it. Good job. All right. Thank you. But we're going through, night, we're like, we're just going through Amazon. 25. Wow, I nailed it. 25. You nailed it. Good job. All right. Thank you. But we're going through, which, by the way, it's fine when he's 65 and she's 40. When he's 80, you know. And she's.

55. It's a different ballgame. Good point. When he's 80, how old will she be? 55. Wait. Wait. How old is she now? I assume they're in that ballpark, right? 25. 25 is your difference. Is he not 80, how old will she be? 55. Wait, wait, how old is she now?

I assume they're in that ballpark, right? 25, your difference. Is he not 80 now? He's got to be pushing it, right? That's where the rubber meets the road. Yeah, when he turns 80 and she's 55. So that's all fun and games when you go to Distinguished Older Gentlemen. But, you know.

When the diapers come in. We were watching, you know, Taylor and I were watching. We're just scrolling through Amazon. We're like, what can we watch right now? We were watching that show Yellow Jackets for a while on Showtime. Any good? It is good. All right, I'll check it out.

It's mindless. The dialogue is terrible, but the writing is great. Wait a minute. If that makes sense. The story is killer. Oh, got it, got it. Christina Ricci is incredible. Oh, I love the Ricci.

I love her. Juliette Lewis is hilarious on it. I like Lewis. It's a cool cast. Yeah. What's her name? From Togetherness, the main woman, Melanie Lipsky or something. She's very good.

The cast is excellent. You guys are talking about all these white and white actors and white movies. You know what? There's a black actress on there, too. It's four main actors. I forgot her name because she's not- Nicole Bihari? Is that who it is?

I don't know, but we'll figure it out. Tahisi Coates? I've heard of him. She's 52, so he's 77 then. Okay, here's the thing though. 77. So we're scrolling through movies to watch. We get on Amazon, we get, something's got to give.

She goes, I remember hating this movie. And I was like, I don't think it's that bad. It's Nicholson, it's Keaton. It's kind of fun, right? We turn it on. Out of the gate, it's like nicholson is banging amanda peete and you're like and and taylor's the next me she goes i love jack nicholson but he's not a handsome older man sure so the fact that he's banging amanda peete and he's what 70 in this

what does and she's 25 what yeah she's a hot younger lady Amanda Peete is gorgeous and I love Jack Nicholson but unless he's playing Jack Nicholson oh my god that's Amanda Peete? yeah that's right up your anal will I know your type she's married to David Benioff by the way

who's that? Game of Thrones oh that guy? he wrote this book look up David Benioff Russian war book Thrones. Oh. That guy? He wrote this book. Fuck. What's the name? Look up David Benioff's Russian War book. It's really Thieves of City or something. You make a good point because when you're watching a movie, you want to feel like it's

real. City of Thieves it's called. And the fact that he's banging her, is he rich in the film? Look it up. Look up. That's a good question. Will, you're on a podcast. Turn your fucking ringer off, man. What would Cat Williamss say about this bullshit if you want will's got to do a grubhub like look at them together that does not look normal look at that no and i loved and i i am a jack nicholson defender to the death love but this is one of the things like you watch old

rom-coms from like the 50s like i love love, we were talking about Sabrina the other week. Yeah. Humphrey Bogart and Audrey Hepburn. And he's like in his 50s. Yeah. And she's in her 20s. And you're like, this looks fucking weird. It looks weird. But isn't that the point of the movie? That's the scene that started?

When you was watching it with Taylor? Blow that up. He's got to be 40 years older than her in this scene. Easily. Because she's playing under 30 and he's playing probably i need to take viagra you guys are missing the biggest thing yeah look how good of an actress she is acting like she's enjoying this but here's the question this is the dilemma some women like older men so a lot of girls get upset like are they that hot is the question the women that like older men? And do the older men look like Jack Nicholson?

Or do they look like... Who's like a really hot older guy? Sean Connery. Oh, he died. Shit. Richard Gere. Nicholson is... Denzel Washington.

No one is... Denzel is looking great. Nicholson... But if he's loaded, let's say he's the CEO of Moderna. COVID. So anyway... Contest today, buddy. Nicholson But if he's loaded Let's say he's the CEO of Moderna COVID So anyway I'm going to test today buddy Nicholson is my favorite

Pierce Brosnan Pierce Brosnan That's a hot older guy That's a hunk Right Now if he dates a 25 year old Is that bad? If she wants to fuck him

That's what my point If Pete starts fucking this dude It's realistic If we're talking about accepting people Pete Davidson? Sorry Well if we're talking about accepting people pete davidson sorry no well if we're talking about accepting people we're accepting like hey you're into this you should be oh that's a good point all i'm saying is watching that in a movie and seeing nicholson look like right you can't look like that and be and like i know you're a star so it's like

if it's jack nicholson in real life, you could fuck anybody. Right. Because we believe it because you're Jack Nicholson. Or if he's just a billionaire. Sure. Yes, yes. But even Bezos is kind of shredded now. Have you seen him? He's looking great, and I think he's got a new lady on his arm. His arms look so good.

It's like he's working in those warehouses. He could be a stunt double. He got that kind of money. He could get a stunt double. That's true. A body double. Yeah. You see he's having like a midlife crisis.

He's dressing like a weird Guido club guy. Is that his ex-wife? Yeah. No, that's not his ex-wife. Oh. His ex-wife is Mackenzie. Oh, yeah.

That's to the right. There's the ex-wife. Yeah. She's doing pretty well. She's doing crazy well. Well, he's got a lazy eye. And she's giving up half her money up.

What? Yeah. For what? She's just giving it away. And she's giving up half her money up. What? Yeah. For what? She's just giving it away. To charity? Who is she, Cat Williams? Brown bag in it. Yeah, look, Bezos is kind of ripped.

That's Bezos? He's like 58. He looks great. That's Bezos? Yes. I had a thought where I was like, man, I'd love to look like that in my 50s. And I was like, I'd love to look like that in my 50s. And I was like, I'd love to look like that today. Good point.

He looks hot. But he can afford the best trainer. He's got the best food. He's got all this shit. It is easier to be fit when you've got people just being like, be fit. Yes. Or they constantly get the best foods for you. That too. Because in America, they put so much best foods for you. That too.

Because in America, they put so much shit in the foods. Even when you're eating healthy foods, there's so much shit. You got that right. When I gave up chicken, man, I gave up chicken in 2007, August 2007, never forget. I dropped 12 pounds in about two weeks. Chicken? They put a lot of hormones in chicken. By the way, I don't want to shit on you, Will, but I don't want to use you giving up chicken, never forget.

As a New Yorker, that offends me a little bit. 9-11, never forget. You giving up chicken. Are you trying to say black people, all they do is eat chicken? I'm just saying you giving up chicken is your 9-11. Either way, it was burning, that chicken. Why do you give up chicken, Will? Because of the hormones. They put a lot of shit of the hormones they put a lot of shit in chicken

is the way yo i went to i i went to haiti right i went to haiti one time and the food i remember i ate so much i and and i didn't gain a pound and then and then i was like wow i didn't gain nothing and someone reminded me like oh haiti no preservatives are just it's in-house organic all they are a lot of farm to table in haiti where it's like someplace like jamaica they get there's kfc they all these other influences by america not shit on america but they go to these countries and and they start building and they show these countries how to make food in abundance. Australia is another one where everything is like, I feel like.

Is that right? Well, it's like all the beef is just better in Australia. I feel like. Some places, some places. Well. He's been there a lot. You love Australia. I mean, whoa, you travel like crazy.

Shout to Australia. Yeah, you travel everywhere. You've been everywhere for comedy. Perth, LA, Kalgoorlie, Margaret River, Melbourne, Sydney. Damn. You're like a, you stand out over there. Because I'm black? Yeah.

I think you're exotic in Australia. Don't you think? Yeah, people look at me like, hey, he don't look like an aboriginal. Where's the spear? Damn, Mark. Holy shit. Oh, sorry. I will say, you go to Italy. went to italy a couple years ago no one's fat and they all they eat is pasta cheese bread and i'm like what the fuck because

their pasta is made different better food is made different yeah and also they stop eating in between we snack like motherfuckers like oh they do have their portion control down in a different way we're like same with france like look at the yeah like they just look like of course there's like if you see like a chef there they look like shit because they're just snacking on that shit all day but the people that actually just eat that stuff yeah they don't look bad yeah i actually started doing intermittent fasting a few years ago. You did what? That's like intermittent fasting. Oh, shit. You know what that is? Where you don't eat for a while?

How many hours a day are you allowed to eat? Okay, I'm different. I look at it as I focus on the hours I'm not eating because that's when your body's using your body fat for fuel and energy. So when you're not eating, so when you fast, first place your body, first place your body goes is your stomach.

There's no food there. Then it goes and get the fat. And breaks it down and use that. That make sense? Yes. So hunger is not linear. It goes up, it peaks,

and it drops. So people think, if you stay hungry, your hunger going get higher and higher. No. Once it reach a peak, it drops because then your body just goes and searches for fuel because all fat is stored energy because your body is like, I can't. We don't need all this fuel.

We'll just save it for later. But later never comes because you eat again, and the first place again your body goes to is your stomach for fuel. And so then it never goes to the fat. So I focus on the not eating part. You're supposed to do 16 hours. I average 18 to 20 hours. What?

Everybody calm down. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm confused. You don't eat for 18 hours? If you're intermittent fasting, you're supposed to fast for 16 hours. What? And you eat for eight hours.

When do you sleep? That's part of it. That's part of it. So let's say you sleep for eight hours. Then you just have to do another eight hours of not eating. That make sense? I do intermittent fucking where I don't fuck for like a while. I do intermittent fucking also but i haven't

fucked since 20 2020 whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa wait what yeah i've been he was asleep the whole time what wait you eat her out though or does that count against the fasting wait i have a question so you go to bed for so you sleep so you sleep for eight hours then you wake up that means you have another eight hours of fasting okay so let's say you wake up at eight o'clock right eight nine ten eleven twelve one two three so then you can eat at three o'clock holy do you go go hog wild and eat a bunch of crazy food i mean you should try not you should try to eat as healthy but but I'm telling you, it works. Yeah.

Now I elevated, I'm doing an OMAD. You know OMAD? I know Nomad. I don't know OMAD. What the fuck does that mean? OMAD is- What the fuck are you talking about? I've never heard of OMAD.

What is Nomad? Nomad means you travel. What does that have to do with a different word? That's a good point. What is Nomad? I've never heard of Nomad. You've never heard of a Nomad? Nomad means you travel. What does that have to do with a different word? That's a good point. What is nomad? I've never heard of nomad. You've never heard of a nomad? Nomad?

A nomad is someone who travels and has no home or place. A drifter? What does nomad stand for? It sounds like a neighborhood in Manhattan, doesn't it? I live in Nomad. It is Nomad, North Madison. Oh, okay. Well, there you go.

It is a neighborhood in Manhattan. No, OMAD is one meal a day. Oh, one meal a day. I like it. OMAD. And so I'll eat one meal a day. So I shut it down at 4 o'clock. I eat about 11 a.m. and then until 4.

What? But I'll eat one meal, and then I'll snack on foods, veggies. Now, I suck at it because I eat a lot of cakes and stuff. Okay, so you're human. You have a vice. But they're vegan cakes, right? Yeah, yeah. So they suck.

Your body's still looking. Huh? I'm kidding. They're vegan cakes. Are they good? You said something, a racial slur? Why did it jump to that? It's always racial.

I didn't hear it. He always does this stuff. I just actually repeat myself. I said, so the cakes suck because they're vegan are they good cakes oh you try to say they black cakes is that what you're saying say because they suck chocolate cakes are always late yeah so they they know even though they're vegan cakes it's still your body still look at as sugar sure so exactly there's no sugar in it no there's sugar in there vegans go hard on the sugar i like you say your body still looks at the sugar why well because there's

sugar in it that's why people think for their vegan cakes they're healthier but no there's have you seen overweight vegans there's yes again overweight vegans oh yeah and like like i remember the first time i met an overweight vegan like oh yeah i, yeah, I'm a vegan too. I'm like, okay. It's kind of like a sex addict who only jacks off. Did you just, huh? It's kind of like a sex addict who only jacks off a lot, is how I look at it. A sex addict who only jacks off a lot? Because it's still not that healthy.

You're not actually getting the thing. So then I'm a sex addict? Sure. No, you haven't had sex in two years. Yeah, but I jack off a lot. Ah. Do you? How many times a day?

So you're a narcissist. I just, once a day. Once a day is fine day is fine that's healthy i think that's normal you clean up i used to do three four times a day three four when was this this was like i don't know today you're on tour with cat he was handing out the money you were doing this right here wait wait wait it's three times too much? Three is a lot. I mean, look, I'll be honest. We've all been on the road. We were like, what else am I going to do?

Exactly. I've been on the road to the point where you're like, okay, there's nothing to do. I'm going to jack off. Then you sit there and you wait. You're like, guess I'm waiting to jack off again. Yeah. Because I'm in fucking Royal Oak, Michigan.

I do it for all the reasons. I was doing it to save money. You jack off. You go to the clubs, all the power is taken away. You don't have to buy drinks for girls. That's good. It's like when you pull a wooden gun on Magneto. And he's using his power. I do a wooden gun, Magneto.

Then you try to fire the wooden gun. He's like, that's not that strong, though. Yeah, but still, it's like, you know, I'm pulling a wooden gun out or a wooden dick out on these girls like it's a wooden dick. Doesn't work, ladies. Unless she's Amish. We'll put this credit card in the bar. His forearm is this big. Jesus Christ.

Actually, I was a bed humper for a while me too me too you humped the bed oh yeah i humped the bed how was that i mean that's what i did then i found that like oh you could do with your hands really yeah you were bed beforehand i was raped i was what i was i mad hotels for the for the friction mad hotel bells around the beds around the world if you're listening to this you're not tipping your uh housekeeping enough seriously that is a tough job will's the only guy who's std is bed bugs i've never even heard of fucking the bed before the hand you usually graduate to the bed for real yeah the hand is the most basic first step i mean it's right no because i my first time right sexually or hand no hand okay or self manual yes manual this would be a great time to jump in this next ad is brought to you by casper or by tesla We Might Be Drunk is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy.

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i was i used to i didn't know about drunk at all because back you know magazines and stuff they never show people drunk you know you can talk about it and so i would i would have these sexual thoughts and then i would sleep lay on the bed and then and get an erection and then i just you know move my hips like oh shit yeah and then i i and then i i passed out know, move my hips. I'm like, oh, shit. Yeah. And then I passed out. I remember I was on my way to sleep, but thinking about having sex with this girl. By the way, when I was young, I used to have sex. I used to masturbate to ugly girls, right?

But then after I finished masturbating, I dream about hot girls. Like, I never fuck hot girls. What do you think is that? I don't know. Self- is that? I don't know. I don't know what it was. I just thought, you know,

she's, you know, she's hot. Were you attracted to the women that you were calling in your mind? Ugly. Yeah. I mean, clearly I were because you were masturbating.

So maybe they weren't ugly. They, they, there was not as pretty as a hot girls, but that was, you know what I'm saying? Here's what I think about that. And this is my opinion.

I could be wrong. Maybe they were attractive to you and you were just going by what society Ooh, interesting. is calling attractive. Maybe the women that you were masturbating to that you're like, they're ugly, maybe they're actually attractive

and you're like, this is what society says is okay to be with. Or maybe the people who are into feet is because they jacked off to socks when they was young and now they love feet. I jerked off into socks. Yeah, are you a foot fetish? No.

Mark used to jerk off to socks then put them on the door and say do not disturb. People would touch the door and they'd say, I will not disturb. And the sock is all hard and stiff and crunchy. Got really awkward around Christmas with the stockings. But yeah, interesting. What are we talking ugly? When you say I jerk off to an. Interesting. What are we talking ugly?

When you say jerk off to an ugly gal, what are we talking here? You kind of look like me without the beard. Oh, that's pretty bad. But a hot body though. A hot body. A hot body. I used to also be attracted. I still am, but back then I used to be only attracted to

big girls. How big? Big. Really? I didn't know what vagina was but back then I used to be only attracted to big girls. How big? Big. Really? I didn't know what vagina was, but I knew I wanted it. Yes. And I thought big girls had more to give. Like big girls have bigger titties. I'm like, they must have more vagina.

Yeah, that makes sense. Right? Good logic. And I was hooking up with a lot of big girls, and then I had a skinny girl, and I was like, wait a minute. This is the same amount of vagina I was getting from a big girl. Same goes for dick. A fat guy has the same dick.

Nah, when I lost the weight, I got more dick. What? How do you get more? Maybe it just looked like more. I can't explain it. I think that's what it is. I think Mark has nailed it here. I'm not making up.

If you lose weight, your dick gets bigger. We're going to need a before and after picture, Will. That's crazy. Otherwise, every guy would just get fat because your dick would get bigger. And girls would be into fat guys. When I lost the weight, my dick got bigger. No, no, no. We hear what you're saying.

No, no, no. He said. Oh, you're right. You're right. Okay. He thought. Why would it get bigger? I can't explain.

I think what Mark was saying was it gets bigger by comparison. Will weight loss lead to a larger penis? Hmm. Yeah, it's an optical illusion. Yeah. We got to measure it. I never measured it. Oh, there you go.

I had a girl once told me, I was a virgin until I was 24. Wow. And she told me she you know I lied on my dick yeah I'm good you know

I'm doing what I do I do what I do yeah and she told me when a girl when girls tell you your dick is big it's cause your dick is small

cause what they do is the women like to like like to get guys with little dicks to gas their heads up and that's how they get guys with small dicks

to pay for shit damn cause they make them think it's so big my girl we're gonna shopping after this but when it when a girl goes up in a Corvette she's like your dick is it's the biggest dick I've ever seen the girl tell your dick is small is really big cuz they don't want to gas guys with big dicks heads up got it man i must have a huge dick because every woman's been like this is tiny so i went i thought i had a small dick for women walking by in the hallway like this like thank you i thought i had a small dick for a long time really because girls was like oh my god it's big i'm like here we go again oh well if you never use a communal shower you're packing heat buddy a communal shower yeah you've never been like a gym where there's

like a lot of naked people that's we don't do that in the hood ah yeah we i just go home take a shower what about the gym i'd still go home take a shower okay yeah you are i mean there's at least foot and all that shit yeah no i no, I hear you. I started like now recently in my later years using the local bathrooms to take a shower, but I use flip-flops. Oh, yeah. What about underwear? You go wear underwear in the shower? Yeah, yeah.

I go in. No, no, no. It's a solo shower. Oh, solo. Yeah. Smart. Not no prison showers. Got it, got it. Well, in my high school, we took showers together. For real? Yeah. Oh, solo. Yeah. Smart. Not no prison showers. Got it, got it.

Well, in my high school, we took showers together. For real? Yeah. It was awkward. What happened? Well, you know, you were glad when an Asian guy walked in. You dropped the soap? No, no.

I went body wash. Nobody's dropping that. But, yeah. You dropped the body wash. You're like, fuck it, I'll buy a new one. Exactly. What, yeah, no, we used to, summer camp, we used to shower with kids and it was like, yeah, you know. Well, you shower with kids, right?

Yeah, dude, I was 24. I was like, let's fucking let the good times roll. He went to the Epstein camp. But wait, this is a Jewish camp. All right, at least you guys are all in the same background. I've seen the Jewish. I know, I'm just saying, I went to school with, you know, everybody. And it was a UN of dicks.

Oh, yeah, the Jewish camp is all circumcised, right? Yeah, usually. There's a few people that weren't, but yeah, usually. Did they get bullied? That's a weird bully walking in. All right, pussies. Which one of you didn't see a moil? A moil?

That's the guy who circumcises you. What are you doing like that? He's got a moil. You cut it. You put a little wine on the baby's tongue and you cut it. The what? They use their teeth like. They bite it off?

Yeah, I heard one guy use his teeth. I heard they kiss it after. Is that true? No, I heard the story. Do they kiss it? I heard they suck the blood and then sometimes the baby will get herpes because maybe the moil is herpes. That's what I'm saying.

That was a moil. Give it a gook. He would cut it and then he would do like this. I heard that too, actually. Jesus Christ. There it is. The worst way to get herpes imaginable. Oh, my God, I know.

A toilet seat just moved up a notch. You got it from a fucking moil? Yeah. Moil sounds like it's a derogatory. Yeah, moil. Fucking moil. You're right, it does. Too many moils moving into my neighborhood.

I'll tell you. I'll tell you. A good moil really seems to care. How you get infected is a goddamn moil. Yeah. Now, you grew up in Brooklyn when Brooklyn was terrifying. Yeah. East New York.

East New York. East New York is tough. It's a tough neighborhood. Yeah, I lock my doors when i drive around east new york yeah wow it'll never get gentrified no i wipe you move in and move right back out a week later i once i was on a train and a guy got it was a guy fucking with me on the train this was many years ago i was coming back from a gig in in princeton i was doing a shithole club called catch rising oh yeah but they let me headline this many years ago and i remember getting on

the train and i'm fucking like fuck this i'm drinking a fucking buffalo trace on the train so i'm pounding a whiskey waiting to go back it's one of those like train yeah i'm like done with the weekend i'm taking the new jersey trans at home i get on a train some guy starts fucking with me on the train what do you look like weird looking guy describe him small guy white calm down and uh he's fucking with me and fuck with me so he starts asking he this is what he asked me he goes he starts that he starts poking people he's just like asking provocative questions me goes what do you think about immigration and i've had like drinks to me so i'm drunk i'm just like i think they're taking our damn job trying to be funny i'm like clearly this guy's gonna know i'm joking funny drunk i'm just like i think they're taking our damn jobs trying to be funny

i'm like clearly this guy's gonna know i'm joking funny like i don't like i don't feel that way i'm trying to be funny and the guy goes you're a fucking bigot and i'm like you're a crazy guy i'm not doing this he starts fucking me starts fine he goes i'm gonna hurt you and i'm like oh fuck this is pre-twitter i guess when you had to do it in person so we're walking we're walking along the tracks. I'm trying to avoid him. Oh, wow. Waiting for the train.

He's fucking with me. And I remember I'm texting Hanley like, oh, this dude's fucking. You just need a friend. Is Hanley going to come and save you? No, but I just wanted a vent. I just wanted to come home. Hey, guy. You want to come to this bathroom?

Phil's like, just take this Rolex. Run. The guy chases it. No. What year are we talking? 2012, 2011. OK. OK. okay all right and i remember just being like god damn this guy's fucking with me and like you know he's crazy you know like he's got nothing to lose so i'm like just trying to avoid it yeah i'm hiding on the train i'm trying to avoid him i

finally elude him right i'm sitting on the on the uh train ignoring him you're hiding on the train well platform i know i get on the train finally he's on the train yeah On the platform. No, I get on the train finally. He's on the train. He's hiding. Yeah, no. I find a window seat. I'm kind of just, I found a way to get away from this guy. He starts fucking with other people. He's not in the right mind. Right.

He goes up to another guy. What do you think about immigration? And he starts fucking with the wrong guy. Hold on. What was some people's answers? I don't remember, but I do remember this is the part that we're at turn. Is a guy, guy he says the guy what do you think about immigration and the guy goes the fuck did you say to me and he goes what

do you think and the guy's a tough looking dude and he goes east New York motherfucker and I was like that sounds tough yeah I can't say Chelsea motherfucker we got a burgeoning art community what uh no but he was he got break yourself well he gets in the guy's fucking face to the point that i'm like oh this is hold on hold on sold on hammer what did the guy look like so this is when it got creepy the guy who was talking shit takes his hat off and i'm like this dude cuts his own hair and not in a cute way in a way like he's missing a lot of parts here i'm like this this doesn't look good and fell asleep on the train tracks yeah he doesn't look something's off and you're like this dude's it's like you don't want to fuck with a dude who's got nothing yeah this dude has

so i that's why i was kind of like let me just try to get away from this shit i'm not an idiot when someone fucks with you you get away you don't try to engage with that shit because they're fucking with you because they this is all they have yes you know so this other dude is a tough looking dude what he looked like i'm not gonna say his race because it could be any race but he's he's screaming east new york motherfucker and he's like in his face and he's like he's built he's like a tough looking guy and i was like first off this dude's my guardian angel yeah second off like i would not fuck with this guy he's he's talking shit and i'm like east new york what and i'm like he's gonna kill this guy he's asian anyway this filipino gentleman who's saving me the east new york motherfucker in his face and the guy is like ah he's like backing down a little bit the ticket

guy is like guys please and he's like fuck off and the guy's like ah runs away the train the ticket guy runs away yeah he doesn't he doesn't this dude who's fucking starting shit is like no one wants to get in his way you know he, he's, let him do what he wants. The train stops. The cops come. They both get arrested. And I'm like. What?

Did he ever, were there fisticuffs or anything? I didn't see it. Oh, okay. But it was like right there. If it happened, it happened. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. But I missed that part because I'm like, I'm going to throw on some fucking music.

Yeah. Throw on the earphones, you know. But I'm like, I'm going to throw on some fucking music. Throw in the earphones. But I'm like, let them do whatever the fuck they want. I'm glad he fucked with another dude. I think that's what city type of shit prepares you for is that you're like, I know when to walk away because I know I'm not a fighter. So when people talk shit to me, I'm like, I'm going to go over here. You're going to keep talking shit. You'll run into the wrong guy.

And that's natural selection, baby. Exactly. Because he's going to fuck your ass up and we're going to get rid of this shit talking. Yes. That guy ain't me. Sam, I got to confess, that ending was underwhelming. I thought he was going somewhere else with it. Yeah, he put the turtleneck on. I the mall. I'm like, East New York, bitch.

And the guy was like, what? Here's what Will wanted to hear. He wanted the guy with the shitty hair to go, put your mouth on the curb. Like, ah! That's what you want to hear from me. I don't know me some crazy shit. I thought so, too. But thank you, Mark. Yeah. No, the cops came and they both got arrested. That's all that

happened. Oh, right. That's just another day. Well, it it's another day we're talking about east new york that made me think of it i apologize east new york is tough man yeah yeah yeah they used to they used to um steal your i run my i i used to have my mother bought me on some expensive sneakers one time and she said they ever steal them never again right so i used to carry my cheap sneakers and my expensive sneakers so when i got to the my school and the good neighborhoods i had my expensive sneakers on then when i when the neighborhood was getting a little you know yeah motherfucker i swapped sneakers and those those cheap sneakers were my garden angels really they were my east new york because they'll look at your feet they're like oh yeah you ain't talking

about nothing you know what i'm saying what were the cheap and what were the expensive you know the like the boat shoes the white people the white people wear yeah yeah no you know what i'm saying you're wearing boat shoes in east new New York? Yeah, but they cheap boat shoes, like $3. It was in a big basket. River shoes. Huh? I'm fucking right. Yeah, it was cheap shoes.

But those shoes are the ones that saved me all the time. Wow. And I used to have two watches. What were the expensive ones? Oh, I had Adidas. I don't know, I had some Adidas. That was back in the Run DMC, Adidas. Adidas. I don't know. I had some Adidas. That was back in the Run DMC. Yeah.

Adidas. Adidas. Shell Toe. Yeah. Yeah, I had the shitty bike and the good bike in my neighborhood. But every time I took the good bike, I would get stolen. And then I would see the guy riding around on my bike. Stolen from you or you left it and it got stolen?

Both. I've had both. I got the bike stolen from under me twice and then once. How'd they take it? What'd they do? One time it was a Christmas gift and they stole it on Christmas Eve Where? In my neighborhood How did they take it from you though? One time two guys, or three guys

They were a little older than me So embarrassing I came from summer camp and I had face paint It was face paint day and we painted shit on kids like really little kids i was probably 13 and i had a rainbow on this side and uh like a like a candy bar or a cloud or something cute on the other unicorn to get your bike stolen i know i know and these kids kept rubbing their front tire on my back tire and i was like oh i'm good i'm good but the face paint i'm a sitting oh they Oh, they was on bikes also? Yeah, yeah.

It's like Mad Max. Yeah, it felt just like that. I'm so close to home. I'm three blocks away, but they kept rubbing their front tire on my back tire, and I was like, I'm good, I'm good. And then they... What were they telling you? What were they saying?

Like, let me try your bike. Let me try your bike. That's what they kept saying. And I was like, I'm good. No, thank you. And they would pull up in front of me and I had to stop. You couldn't outrace them? No, I couldn't.

These guys were on, I was on like a regular bike. These guys had souped up bikes. Right. And eventually I was sitting on the bike and I remember telling myself, don't get off the bike. If you get off the bike, it's over. And eventually one of the guys pushed me and I fell off the bike, but I kept holding the handle. And he did like that.

And my hand fell off and he went, check ya, and rode away. And I started crying and ran home. Fun times. How old were you? I was like 13. Oh, I was gonna say last week. Yeah, I was 28.

Mark still paints his face and it does not play well here in downtown Manhattan. I know. I should have gone blackface. What kind of bike was it? It was a nice bike, too. It was like a mountain bike. Oh, your mom's bought it for you?

Yeah. And I remember my bike got stolen Christmas Eve, and I remember Christmas morning, they rode past us, and my dad was like, motherfucker, this neighborhood. You know, he went nuts. Your dad didn't go after the bike? Well, they were riding away. Was he going to run after it? He was in a robe.

He was in a robe. Getting in the car, and then then his car with their bike tire. Oh, I wish. He didn't care that much. But he was just like, I spent, you know, 50 bucks on that thing. And that was in the 90s. Will, do you have any peeves? Any pet peeves?

Anything that really bother you lately? Pet peeves? Sickle cell. Let's see uh what else the man i don't like when people keep saying the same thing over and over again like we're talking they keep saying you know oh i really like that oh i really like it like oh yeah i get it i get it oh yeah i'm with you on that yeah because then you have to keep reacting yeah like you don't know how to yeah well it's like the conversation has come to a standstill. They're not adding anything new.

They're not adding anything new, but they keep bringing up every few seconds, oh, that's a nice jacket, man. All right, thanks. Oh, that's the worst. Yeah. Because if you stop going, all right, I got it, they go, Jesus, I was trying to compliment you.

And Will's like, first off, this is my cheap jacket. The good one's in the bag right here. Yeah. I'm with you on that. The repeating. Yeah, the pet peeve. I hate when somebody tells a joke and it doesn't get a laugh, so they keep telling it like, you guys must have missed it.

Like, no, no, the joke sucked. You should have just kept it quiet, but you had to keep telling the joke over. I think I retold one on this episode because Will said, what? And I hated myself for it. I was angry i did it because i know people were listening like why do you retell that shitty joke but the what i'm sorry the what prompts the retelling i know i'm talking about the guy who just bombing and he keeps telling it like oh you guys must have missed it like no no we caught it no you should never retell

a joke honestly because if it didn't get a laugh the first time, there might be a reason for that. Right, right. Oh, you know when comics, they stick to the script so much, like they don't veer away from the script, so they'll do a joke. And let's say, you know, the crowd is not laughing, they'll still stick to the script. They'll be like, yeah, and I took my wife's pillow. You laugh now, but my wife didn't think it was funny. Yes. It's like, the crowd's not even laughing. Yeah. You laugh now, but my wife didn't think it was funny. Yes. It's like, the crowd's not even laughing.

Yeah. You laugh now, but my wife didn't think it was funny. Like, dude. The autopilot comedian. Yeah. Comic the whole time. We call them the push play comic, right? Where they're like, they have the crowd work that's preordained.

So they kind of look at someone like, this black guy knows what I'm talking about. It's like a white guy right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how scripted their act is. Or how about the the guy who's like so i fucked your wife the other day oh you guys can't handle it like no we're on board we're all laughing what do you mean can't handle it then they have a joke about you can't handle it like no we're fine yeah we're always laughing what are you talking about yeah the guy with the pre-scripted rant yeah oh you didn't like that joke here's a two-minute rant why you should have. No, we all liked the joke.

We laughed. What are you doing? Or they'll point to someone in the back or they can, yeah, the person in the back didn't like it. Like, who's who? Right, right.

I mean, I'll go as far and this is maybe, I shouldn't say out loud, but the comic who, like the Middle Eastern comic goes on, I know you thought I was a terrorist. No, you were booked. You're a comedian.

It's America. Like, no one thought you were a terrorist. No one's like, this guy's good. He was a terrorist. No, you were booked. You're a comedian. It's America. No one thought you were a terrorist. No one's like, this guy's good. He's a terrorist. You know what happened to me in, what year was that? 98? I won't say the name of the comedy club, though. All right.

I went to a comedy club. It's Dangerfield. And I asked, can I get on? And they said, oh, we already have our black comic for the week. For the week? Yeah, for the week. We already have our black comic for the week. But you got to understand, right?

Back then, I thought that was the norm because it was white clubs, white people, white comedians. That's crazy, though. So I'm thinking, okay, maybe they – I'm thinking – I'm not thinking racist. I'm thinking, oh, maybe the white crowd don't want to see black comics. I'm like, oh, another black comic. You know what I'm saying? For the week, though. It should be at least a month.

Not February. Yeah. But, I mean, it's crazy. That sounds today. Yeah. Back then, it's like – I'm like, okay. So I went to another – so i started looking up clubs that didn't have a black comic right and i'm like damn all these clubs got a black comic for

that they already fuck with right they got the token black you know you know alt comedy where that came from i just found out what you know alternative yeah but it really stands for doing a comedy show at a place that's not a comedy club. I know. I remember learning that, too. But black comedians started that. Ah. Good point.

Because you guys wouldn't let us into the club. You guys? You guys. You mean us? Yeah. You can't say us. We're 20 years younger than you, motherfucker. What are you doing?

Two of the people. That one's a club. Well, I can say you stole my bike. We can do this all day oh you're saying it was black people wow I thought it was implied

I could say you're my guardian angel yeah but I will say dude I hear what you're saying I mean look no but hold on

what I'm saying was the negro leagues was technically the first all baseball league too what I'm saying was oh interesting what I'm saying was

they wouldn't so we would start shows at bars, restaurants, whatever. But then somehow alt-comedy got turned into, like you guys took that from us. You guys. Whitey. Pointing at us.

Yeah. Took it from us and made it something else. Because now when you hear alt-comedy, you don't think of like a comic club, a comic show, not a comic club. You think of weird or different comedy. Nerd comedy. You know what I'm talking about? When did that start changing?

Totally. Alt-comedy is funny. I mean, when Mark and I were coming up, you know, we came up after you, Will, but like when we were coming up, alt-comics were the ones getting all the TV shit. Yeah. Like Mark and I were always resentful

because I think we were always kind of road guys and club guys. And we thought we were working really hard on honing our stuff. And we'd see these alt guys who got up not nearly as much as us and who we didn't think had chops. And we're getting all the TV spots. So we were always a little bit like, who the fuck are these guys? Meanwhile, they were doing a totally different thing. A lot of them are hilarious. You know, there's a lot of great alt comics.

they were doing a totally different thing a lot of them are hilarious you know there's a lot of great old comics but you know a lot of that stuff dried up because they were not doing the repetition where they were doing like their brooklyn show or something but they weren't going up in the midwest going up in the south and you know there's a reason that shit played to a very small demographic i think sometimes yeah ironically it was the least inclusive kind of comedy like they couldn't go outside of their bubble right it was it was like kind of very liberal yes then it was kind of like oh an inside joke exactly a lot of it was i'd find a lot of those i do those rooms always you know we had gaffigan on last week we talked about like the necessity to do all the rooms sure you can talk about all this shit but like and connect to any audience because

there's an importance in being able to have that i think we all pride ourselves on that but you do some of these rooms and it would be like some anti-comedy shit some guy going up mocking like a road hack and i'd watch some of these guys like well you don't have the tools to even be a road hack yes good point you're mocking this shit but like to to break the rules you kind of have to know the rules a little bit and you see some of these great like film directors and they're kind of mocking cinema but a lot of times it'd be like robert altman and you'd be like well he's a genius director you know so it'd be someone like that and so well what the thing is with all kind like okay so that was the beginning of all comedy you know black but

somehow it switched to the type of jokes you're telling yes and then the type of clubs you're working where it's not comic clubs but so what was all what is what did all time turned into like what type of jokes were people saying it turned into janine garofalo looking at her notes and it turned into a cool coffee shop but colin but Colin Quinn doesn't show at the comic, sell every month. He looked at his notes, killing it. But she popularized it. And I like Janine. I like Janine, too.

I think what Mark's saying is sometimes when someone breaks through doing a certain thing, others follow for the wrong reasons. Right, right. Maybe people saw Janine do the notes thing and they took that as a hint that they could use it as an excuse to not be funny like they'd look at their notes but they'd be doing their a material right they'd be like anyway what else and then they'd do their a shit and it's like all right well you know you're either working on it or not like we all you know look up to colin quinn because colin is always trying to grow as a comic

and colin is always like you know this sounds pretentious as fuck but colin is like seeking shit like colin is looking to grow as a comic always that's why i've always looked up to colin the old comic is one thing but the old audience do they purpose to go hey let's go and not laugh like it sure as hell feels like it sometimes i don't know we bomb there all day long i go there but i do feel like that though some of those brooklyn crowds like i'll always do it because i think it's important to always you know kind of do different rooms that are not do the crowd know that they're old crowd do they call themselves old crowd no they're not as energized i do think think there's more of a standards and practices in their brain being like, is this

okay to laugh at? Oh, for sure. This is not okay. Now, the original alt crowd, black shows, they laugh. They laugh. Like you watch Def Comedy Jam? Talk about energized. Oh, shoot.

Do you ever do Smokey's Room at Mocha Lounge? Yeah. That was a fucking alt room. Holy shit. My show, Boston Comic Club, every Sunday. I heard about this. Yeah, Bill Burr, you break it up. He used to kill, kill.

Yeah. Because I had trained the room to laugh. Oh, really? But don't boo, don't heckle. Because black shows, the good comes with the bad. Yes. You kill, but if you're not killing, you also will. You're going to kill yourself.

It's like Roman Coliseum time. It's either great or you kill a guy. As a Boston Comic-Con guy, I'm like, no, we're not doing that. We're not doing none of that. If you don't like someone, just be quiet. That's nice. And so Bobby Kelly, Rich Voss, Jim Norton, they used to come there and just kill.

That's the irony is like I've started the alt world, and it was all about like, hey, we got to be nice and da-da-da. And then you go to these Brooklyn or Bronx room minorities, it's all black rooms or whatever, and it's vicious and fun and dirty and filthy. And you're like, all the shit you guys say that minorities are all about, they're doing the other shit. You know, like it's kind of condescending in a weird way. Well, it's Michael Che's great joke

about how liberals love to be offended on behalf of other people. I always think of Michael Che's joke about that. It's like, there is something incredibly pretentious about that. Yes. You guys can't feel how offensive this is. I'll feel it for you.

It's very- By the way, you can't say you guys you gotta say you them you them Marina Franklin's great joke about I love Marina's joke about how pronouns like you're gonna make me say they about someone you're gonna make me talk like a runaway slave they went that way

I mean like that's a fucking brilliant joke you just hacked it and you just made it, you just messed it up. I messed it up? Now you can't use it on, she can't use it on the road. I'm joking. Fuck. Sorry, Marina. I think that joke's out there. No, she did it on Conan. Alright. She's funny as hell. I love Marina. I love Marina.

I will say this, you know, which, by the way, I hate when people say, that's a peeve and I just did it myself. I just built up what I, I will say this. Fuck me. What am I gonna say? You know, I hate when people say that. That's a peeve, and I just did it myself. I just built up what I... I will say this. Fuck me. What am I going to say? You know another thing when people say, at the end of the day?

Yeah. At midday, I'm going to say this. Right, right, right. Exactly. You know what? Top of the morning, I think it should be said. Oh, let me find some more peeves. How about this one?

The guy who won't stop harping on the fact that he's making a point you know he's like i'll tell you i think whiskey is better than vodka you go i like whiskey too he's like i'm just saying whiskey is better than vodka i'm a fan i'm not a huge fan of vodka i like whiskey i'm with you but look can a guy have an opinion i agree with you motherfucker give it up it. It's over. It's kind of going back to this guy who says the same shit over and over. Yeah. Yeah, I think we just get bored easily.

We all live in our heads. So when someone's speaking just to speak, we're just like, we can be silent. Oh, I know another pet peeve I hate. Hit me. When a hot girl walked, and this is back then I used to hate it. When a hot girl walked by and another dude was, not even, this is back then I used to hate it. When a hot girl walked by

and another dude was looking at me like, hey, huh, huh? Uh-huh. Like, dude, I'm not, come on. What's wrong with that? I purposely not look at,

like when a hot girl walked by and there's dudes around, I purposely not look at guys' faces because I don't want them to go, yeah, that's the, she's a,

she's, like. So you look at the woman instead? Yeah, like. You think that's a better move you think the guy's like oh cool

he's just checking out the woman I'm with no I'm saying like you don't talk about when a girl walk by and another guy would look and two guys look at each other

like two stranger dudes like huh huh huh I hate that what's the other option you look at her I feel like no but I'm saying

don't like don't like enjoy her on your own don't freaking bring me into this. Don't bring him into, like, well done. Yeah, like. Yeah, yeah, no, I hear that. What is it, a gay thing?

No, I think it's just kind of like you're trying to bond over a chick, and that's weird. It's just like. I think that's a great unifier. I mean, every race, every guy from any place in the world, a beautiful woman walks in, we all go, hey, she's hot, huh? No, but he's talking about if it's like you're with that woman. Oh, yeah, that's weird.

Yeah. That's weird. I get you on that. I mean, women already have it hard. I tell guys, you know what it is to be a woman walking around? Go to prison. I feel like they're not going to take you up on that dare. Go to prison.

And you feel like what it is to be a woman walking about. Yeah. Interesting. That's a good bit. That's funny. Anyone know what it's like to be a woman? Fucking walk, Mark, walk through fucking Rikers with those lips, buddy. That's what you'll fucking,'ll fucking feel what it's like.

Well, these women luckily don't have to shower publicly. But yeah, I like that. That's a good point. What about the women who, or the guys who claim to be a woman when they go to prison? That's a smart move. Instead of they go to the women's prison, they go, I identify as a woman.

Do you want a man? Is that where they go? Yeah, if you identify as a woman, I think was in australia there's a good story about this uh these guys identified as women and they went to women's prison yeah yeah which sounds like a comedy movie that sounds like yeah it sounds like bosom buddies now true story i gotta watch bosom buddies nothing i love bosom buddies i gotta pee if when people will post shit like this like name something better i I'll wait. Well, you're going to be waiting a long time because I'm not going to be conversing with you, motherfucker.

It's on social media? Yeah. Name something better. I'll wait. Yeah. The reason no one has a response is because we just hate you so much. So we're not going to play your fucking game. Well, that's the hard thing.

Like, you know, Will is obviously we're all doing the road so we have to be somewhat covid cautious because you know we don't want to cancel a weekend sure like we get cold weekend a week two weeks a week right yeah you could i mean look with you got to get a negative test so uh we're all boosted so i don't think the symptoms are going to be horrible at our age but like you have to look at that shit is like that's a lot of money to leave on the table yeah but like certain people now you talk to you have a conversation with someone you used to have a stop and chat it would annoy you because you didn't want to talk to that person now you're like this is the person that's gonna fucking infect me yeah this conversation i don't want to have so true it's gonna give me covid give me COVID. That's right. That's right.

Like, talking with, we're talking with Aziz, I think I told you guys. Like, he keeps the bubble tight, you know, and it's fun

because it's a fun bunch. So, not like you got to go out and find fun shit to do. Right, right. Like, we all,

me, Phil, Ricky Velez, Beth, you got no Beth, right? Yeah, Beth, I fucking love, Beth. You got no Beth, right? Yeah, Beth. Tour manager Beth.

Oh, I love Beth. One of the best. Beth is fucking amazing. Great egg. Yeah. She's cooking Mulaney shit now. Yeah, she works. Yeah, she works.

And just that, it's just fun. Like, it's like, oh, shit. You know what I'm saying? We don't need anything else. Also, I hate the, a pet peeve currently for me is people with their masks on their mouth and they're talking to you. You're like, well, just go no mask at that point. It's silly.

It's like wearing your underwear right here. It feels silly to... Yeah, go commando. What happened to that dude that wore a thong on his face on the plane? He actually got hired by Victoria's Secret. But I saw that. That was funny.

That guy's an asshole for so many reasons. Yeah. Yeah, man. All good peeves. Can I give you guys a rec? Give me a rec. What's a rec? Recommendation.

Oh, I thought like a rec, like E-rec, but just a rec. So a wreck and erect here's my wreck man it's simple it's easy it's it's you guys a lot of guys it's january you're trying to be healthy right who's not trying to be i mean as i say this i'm guzzling scotch yeah you say this is we're all trying to be a little more healthy in january that's just how it is sure healthy snack that's delicious. I don't know if we've done this before. We drink every episode, Mark.

But take some grapes. Throw them in the freezer. It's a fucking treat. Oh, my lady does this every night. They're great treats. She loves it. Yeah. They're delicious.

It's a little cold for me. I throw them right next to the fetus in my freezer. Frozen grapes? Yeah. With your medication? You don't like them? I mean. You're vegan.

You can get by on that. Maybe I don't like the, can I give a rec? Can I give a rec? Sure, better be better than this. We'd be honored. I'll wait. If you're talking to someone and you're not sure they got covered or not right yeah all you got to do is while they yabba dabba doing don't inhale

so like if you're yapping right go ahead yeah hey will you look great and i think it's cool that you're vegan and also i see what you're doing you're not inhaling exactly yeah like bill clinton don't inhale but what do you do when he talks forever you gotta go you know how's that work well then you get up and go i'll go back is that keep you from getting covid not inhale well because you inhale not you don't say you the the you're thinking for your nose like a vacuum. Yep. It's sucking in the COVID. I think you can still get it without inhaling. Not necessarily. Really?

Because it just hovers. Matt, is this true? I assume. How can you get it? If you're not sucking it in your nose, how can it go in? That's why we wear a mask. Yeah, because you inhale. I know.

That's what I'm saying. I'm saying if someone's yapping. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying I don't know if this is true. I'm just yeah but that but doing about nothing you just it has made talking to people you don't want to talk to a little more intense where you're like i'm not even worried really about getting sick i'm more worried about canceling dates at this point yeah right because omicron omicron is not really omicron omicron sorry it's not hard not the symptoms seem to be mild if you especially guys like us who are all boosted if you get vaccinated the symptoms seem to be boosted it's more just about like if you

test positive you're not supposed to travel and work so you have to isolate i mean first off if i think if you're vaccinated they should reduce that fucking i think they have reduced it to five days they have so that's something what do you got here so brad uh free strangers on the street or when you share don't inhale well you're fucking good i mean how else would it get in huh how else would it get in it makes sense yeah see there you go so only do anal. Or doggy style. Because then you can still fuck and not inhale. I tried anal one time.

If you're not breathing in, you dramatically cut down on the risk logically. I mean, hey, this is all about risk, right? Risk reward, folks. Wait, can I tell y'all something? Please. I thought taking anal and giving anal was, I thought giving anal, like you give your ass. And taking it, you're taking ass. Did you go to prison?

No, but doesn't that sound like? It does, yeah. Right? If you didn't know English language. You're interesting, Will, because you're like, in prison, I don't know who you'd be.

That's the thing, because you are a boxer. You're tough. Hold up. But you're also not a huge guy. I mean, you're a lightweight boxer. Easy hammer. What is this hammer thing?

Where'd that come from? If you didn't know English and someone said, yo, you want to give anal and you want to take anal, what would you say? I would say you need to learn English. No, are you on medication?

I'm saying if you didn't know English. Yes, I am. If you didn't know English. Alcohol. And someone said you want to give anal, take anal, what would you say? I would rather give it. You give your anal. No, I'd rather give my penis.

No, but I'm saying if you. He's got a point. He's got a point. Thank you. Because you're like giving up your ass. This is like Carlin in prison. How did giving anal turn the other way? He got something here.

I think someone did it, came up with it to trick you. Hey, you want to give anal? Yeah, I'll give anal. Yeah, because the girl says, I'll give him some pussy. Yeah. Yeah. I'll give him some anal. Yeah.

So how am I wrong? All right. All right. When my girlfriend says, I'm going to give him some pussy, she actually puts a strap-on on. You guys do what you have to do. That's pe strap on on. You guys do what you have to do. That's pegging. Pegging.

You do what you have to do. You pegged before? I haven't. Have you? No, I never. Would you? No, I wouldn't. I don't even like a tongue in my asshole.

Really? What? You told me you did. That was the worst time of my life. We fucking bonded, buddy. Would you ever, Mark? Take a tongue? No.

Hell yeah. I've taken a tongue. How about ever, Mark? Take a tongue? No. Hell yeah. I've taken a tongue. How about a pegging? No, I don't think so. Why don't you put a strap on with a little tongue? Oh, now you're talking. Is it wet? It's a wet tongue.

But is that considered pegging? No. And it's a Gene Simmons strap on. Gene Simmons. That's a big, that's a sandwich tongue there. Oh, the, oh. Ah, I love this shit. But, you know.

Knowing East New York, you'd take some ox tongue. Is it ox tongue? Oh, ox tail. Tail, damn it. But you guys eat tongue? Yeah, cow tongue. Cow tongue. Yeah, that's a Jewish deli thing, too.

And Mexicans do. Oh, they do tongue? Jews eat cow tongue? Oh, yeah. Get out of here. Yeah, it's a jewish deli thing too and and mexicans do oh they just yeah cow tongue oh yeah get out of here it's a deli meat thing so i always knew blacks and jews are similar we're very similar bro there you go john stewart used to have the great bit is how uh you know jews we complain black people the blues like we had the idea you guys put it to music that was the john stewart baseball cast you wear yarmulkes. There you go. Right? Yeah.

But you know, what were we talking about before this? You had the apartments and we rent them. Pegging. Who's benefiting from pegging? The guy. Yeah, the guy. It's your prostate is a male G spot. Just a hint. Now, can two dudes peg?

I don't know. You don't need the strap on. Well, I'm not attracted to men. So I think the argument is now like, is taking in the ass gay? And the answer is no. Hold on. Taking or giving?

I knew it was going there. I walked into that one. I don't see gender. After this, I should say I limped. But I do think, you know, the whole thing is like there is a homophobia around it, but, you know, the male G-spot is in the butthole. Who said, who, everybody keeps saying this.

Who said this? Who said it? I don't know, Matt, am I wrong? Can we get some data to back me up, please? I've heard that. You milk the prostate. You milk it? Yeah.

If you never had it work properly, then I feel sorry for you. I used to have a bit about this. You get the milk going? I love the milk. Really? What's the milk? Wait, what is that?

There it is. Just a hint. I go just a hint. What's the get the milk going? I don't know what that means. Milk the prostate in your butthole. You're in wild turkey. I'm on Lagavulin right here.

Really? Yeah, motherfucker. What is get the milk going? Now, let me ask you this. You ever had a lady and you go, hey, can you milk me? And she goes, I don't do that shit. No. Oh, wow.

I don't think. I mean, I don't know. Maybe. I don't remember that shit. But like, yeah. I mean, also, if a woman is not into something, you just say, cool. I mean, it's like people are not into shit. I don't remember who's into what.

Right, right. I will say this. Maybe some chicks like it. It is. I mean, I think I'm into getting a woman off. Sure. So why wouldn't she be into getting me off? Yeah.

I'm more into getting a woman off than getting me off. Really? Yeah. You're a giver. I freaking get turned on when a woman gets turned on. Same. Like I'm like. As do I, but I think I a woman gets turned on. Same. Like I'm like. As do I, but I think I'd like the favor returned.

Like many times I go to sleep uncombed. Oh, really? Uncomed. Damn. I think you just say regular. That's not a term? Uncomed? Maybe a pegging is an order.

What? Well, I'm just saying if you can't get off. I think you probably have to work your way up to that. that's not a term maybe a pegging is an order what? well I'm just saying if you can't get off I think you probably have to work your way up to that I think if you've never had a finger in the ass and you just get pegged you'd be like this is fucking horrible no you missed the point meaning I enjoy like she comes once twice three times and my night is done

I'm good you're like a bus boy in the bedroom you may as well just fucking call your night out I mean here's my thing you deserve some some loving too

will you just call me boy and he said you take the bus is that what we're gonna call this episode Matt Jesus Christ I've walked into a few of this episodes

I've made a sickle cell joke I've made all these jokes and he's just going after you no he trolls me cause Will here's the thing, Will has trolled me for years and that's part of our friendship.

I mean. Maybe because you look like he drove Amistad with that fucking turtleneck on. You do look like that. I wore the wrong shirt for this episode. It's heat tech.

It keeps you warm. It's freezing. It's 25 degrees outside. Heat tech. I think I went to that school. Heat tech. I went I went to that school. Heat tech. I went to University of Heat online. You got a bit you're working on?

A bit. A joke? A premise? A half-baked idea? Hold on. Let me take a look real quick. All right. All right.

I got too many bits. I'd rather work on you guys. I've got a few turds right here. I'd rather you guys come than me get off. All right, Will, what do you got? You go first. All right, Sam, you got one? You go first, man.

All right, I got a bit idea. Now, this might have been done, so tell me if you've heard this. Please, I feel the same about mine. Okay. You know, you listen to hip-hop and a lot of rappers claim to be gangsters, and it's very mob-influenced. It's like Scarface, Gangstar,

Mobb Deep, Three 6 Mafia. It's very mob-heavy, but yet all they do is go on a microphone and snitch. They go, this is who I'm fucking, this is who I'm killing, this is how much money I make. Where a real mobster would never do that. If a real mobster was a rapper, he'd be like, I'm in sanitation. I'm a family man.

You're that guy who died on 23rd Street. I don't know anything about that. You know, it'd be the opposite of rap. So that's where I'm at. Yeah. The name of the song would be called, I don't know what you're talking about. That's good. Check out my new album, Waste Management yeah there's something funny about that about like

really being a gangster the less you say is gangster right i remember listening to vincent curatala on on depalo's podcast and you know he played johnnyack on The Sopranos. Everyone was yelling in the audition room for that role, Johnny Sack. And he goes, I'm gonna whisper. Because that's what being a gangster is. Interesting. Being a gangster is real power so you don't have to yell.

Right. So that's kind of what you're saying, right? Interesting, totally. Still water runs deep. There you go. Yeah. So you think there's something here with this bit I think it's funny like Vegas power

Vegas power yeah Who am I fucking Doesn't matter I've got options that's the point I think you should actually come up with two bars real quick Yeah I think you're right I actually wrote some shit down Oh shit this is scary

I mean go all the way out Alright alright Rapper colon I make stack after stack from selling crack I'm the richest man in the nation Mobster says I make a comfortable living I'm in sanitation So I got 20 more bars of that

I do okay I do okay is funny Cause they're all like my, I'm a family man. They got their goomar. Whereas a rapper's like, I fuck every chick in America, you know? Well, that's the other thing is like real gangster shit is like real rich people act like they're poor. Ah-ha. Because like gangsters are always like, you know, if you hear like rap, they're like a lot of it's bravado.

So it's like you're selling records by being like, this is how much I have. But rich people don't tip. Interesting. And they drive a Prius. They don't tip at all. I heard Puffy doesn't tip at all. Really?

Yeah. But I mean, how much money are you saving? Exactly. I've actually heard him once say, more money, more problems. Or the chorus line could be, you ask me what it's about, I tell you I don't know what you're talking about.

Nothing? Oh, I thought that was a real song. You had me there. I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah. That's funny. All right, all right, that was mine. And I read a rap, so you guys are up.

I got, I found out that people who take anti-depression pills, they pee most of it out. Your body just uses most of it goes in your pee. So you pee, most of it just goes in the ocean, which is perfect because you ever see fish, they look all depressed. Right. Fish is just yeah they need more depression anti-depression pills that's why they always grab the hook i'm gonna kill myself oh the suicide yeah that's great i like it how you know these fishes are like just like you know what yo you know you're not supposed to bite the hook fuck that i'm out of here at least their goodbye world comes with a treat oh yeah the worm the bait we jump off a roof they

get a fucking cookie on the way out yeah you jump on your worm they eat the worm oh maybe when you know some people catch and release they throw them back the fish is like what the fuck yeah i got out i was trying to kill myself it's like when you take pills and they pump your stomach yeah yeah that's funny dude that's something that's funny all right i'm trying to kill myself. It's like when you take pills and they pump your stomach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like what? That's funny, dude. That's something. That's funny. All right. I'm trying to think of some fish names.

Salmon, trout, flounder, catfish. What are any funny names that sound sad? Hmm. I think throwing back is funny. I mean, you're like, finally, I'm out of this fucking cesspool and then they throw you back and like well now i'm back with a scar i guess right all the fishes i thought you was out of here yeah a lot of people too when they kill themselves they go walk into the ocean so they're like i gotta be amongst my sad people i gotta be around the fish the fish is depressed

imagine they get thrown back you got rejected like He's more depressed. Even people don't want me. Right, right. That's funny. Patrice said that great bit about no one cares if you kill fish because they have no eyebrows. So they don't look sad. But you kill a cow and he's like, That's his bit. Not mine.

I like that. That's good. Sam, what you got? I got a few ideas. Let mine. I like that. That's good. Sam, what you got? I got a few ideas. Let me try this on you. This one was like, just make sure this hasn't been done. I was talking to a guy and he was saying some like kind of anti-trans shit to me. And I was kind of like, you're Scottish.

Your whole history is dudes in kilts. Oh, I like that. Have you heard that? Just dudes in kilts. He's like, you guys disgust me. And he goes, oh, this? It's my grandfather's right here. Have you heard that? Just using kilts. He's like, you guys disgust me. And he goes, oh, this? It's my grandfather's right here. Is that something there?

Yeah, there's something there for sure. Something about anti-trans, but it's like, you're the manliest men, the Scots. You wear dresses. Let's calm down. Yeah. It's like I grew up with this guy who was super racist, hated black people. Wait, what's super racist versus regular racist? I'm talking, I'm regular.

I mean, he was like, N-word this, N-word that. They shouldn't be allowed here. You know, like all in. But he loved sports. And I'm like, that's all black people. It's all NBA, NFL. It's all black. Well, technically.

Yeah, what are you into, cricket? Yeah, right. Hockey? Technically, because they look at us as sing, dance for us, entertain us. So they don't look at sports as like, they look at it as like, yeah, good. Just like the Romans, right? Who they used to send in the pit to fight the slaves. Yeah. The peasants.

They send in their cousins, their uncles. Right, right. That's it. I never thought about that. All right. You got something there. But like, how can you be a racist and then tap your foot to michael jackson shouldn't you be like i hate this fucking guy again back to the entertainer entertainer no entertain us but i

think it's funny that historically like you have the most effeminate man costume yes and you're like we don't accept men who dress like women well Well, you do that. Yeah, it's dead on. I mean, it's such a good idea to be. You guys, you dress like women. Right. I like it. I like it. I'm trying to think where to go with it.

Scots are actually the worst trans people because they got the hairy legs. They got the beard. They don't go all the way. Well, I'm just saying they're like, at least trans people go all in. They get the surgery. They go. They take the surgery. They go. They take the pills. Scott, we were like.

If you're going to make me look at your legs, at least fucking wax them. Yes. Right. They don't wear underwear under those either, by the way. Oh, yeah? Yeah, the kilts. You took a peek? Oh, yeah.

You better believe it. I got another one. Hit me. You all watch the news. They're like, crime is up compared to 2020 i'm like no one was out in 2020 that's great like they always comparing crime or whatever to 2020 yeah like all of 2021 they was doing that right you know like you know you know uh traffic is is up compared to 2020.

Yeah, everyone's inside. Yeah. With crime, I think a lot of the time they don't get the data until, like, much later because, like, cases are kind of tried and stuff like that. But it's also hilarious that we've been in a pandemic and you're like, we compare it to this other time and you're like, all right, but we haven't lived in a long time.

Yeah, yeah. Everything's up. The only thing that's not up is, I guess, staying indoors. Yeah. Another thing is like when we was not driving around, how come they didn't fix the roads when nobody was in the roads? Good point. I guess they didn't want to be around other people fixing shit. No, they were doing. They were still. I'm not sure you guys went out during 2020 they were still there but they

didn't that was a perfect time to fix the votes yeah totally fix everything all that construction shit why wasn't that taken care of de Blasio you don't like him? no I ain't like him

you like de Blasio? no i ain't like he's gone we got we got mayor adams like de blasio no no one did like cuomo he was a cuomo sexual i was i didn't like his politics but i like what he did uh off the field like no later work no i uh no i'm a big uh i'm a big uh anti-de blasio guy i cuomo is obviously a horror show. He's a liberal Trump. When you compliment a girl, you go, hey, I like your hair. No Cuomo. Nothing?

Too soon? No, I mean, let's see what Adams does. I'm excited. Even if he's bad, I'm excited to get a new bad. There you go. What did De Blasio do that was bad bad? Like, what was the top three bad things he did? I don't know much about politics. I think for- That's's not probably that's like you're living in i think i think a lot of

being a politician is for me a lot of being a politician is being a leader and and uniting people and i think he was as bad as it gets he's deadly divided i mean when you stand for nothing you have nothing so i think he alienated cops i think he nothing. So I think he alienated cops. I think he alienated liberals. I think he alienated conservatives. So it's like no one, when no one likes you, no one comes together about you. Like say what you want about Bloomberg, who I wasn't like a huge Bloomberg guy either, but like he at least made an effort to, to connect to people. I think, I think Bloomberg, I mean, I think de Blasio lacked a connection to the working class, to the elite, to everyone in New York.

And when you do that, you kind of bring together no one. And I think it really was like the nail in the coffin when he was just like dancing on New Year's Eve with his wife. And I'm like, this has been a horrible year. You can't be out celebrating, dude. You mean how like, what's that guy? Is it Chris Christie was on the beach when they shut the beach down and his friend was on the beach oh yeah and he was scaring away all the kids they thought it was a whale but no i mean so de blasio i think

literally everyone is saying good riddance i think he's been horrible i think he's been out for power rather than uh you know it's similar to giuliani whereiani where New Yorkers like Giuliani a lot after 9-11 because of what he did. But then it was all about a power grab and running for president and speaking engagements and money. And you're like, well, you don't I know we all know you don't care about us, but you got to at least fake it a little better than de Blasio did. Right. How I feel. Well said. What do you what do you think?

I mean, de Blasio. did right how i feel well said what do you what do you think i i mean the blouse i mean they most most most of these politicians is like especially in the u.s do you never hear any good good ones i'm sure there's good ones don't get me wrong but it's you know i think there's so many people that everybody had their own opinions. So we're so divided. Yeah, yeah. There'll never be anybody. I mean, look, Wiener, you guys remember Wiener? Yeah, I sent him a photo. He sent me one. It was terrible.

I mean, it's amazing how when he was running and then he got caught with his dick out. By the way, he denied it. I he denied it i know he was on some show and they oh i think it was uh what's his name god like larry king uh-huh he's like is that your penis no that's not my penis by the way he had a great body for yeah like politician that's a stressful job to be as fit as he was or like ripped good job and a good dick by the way was

it i remember the dick but i remember the I remember the physique being like, not bad. Pull up the dick. But check this out. He denied it, then made it last. By the way, when you get caught, just admit it so it could just end quickly. Yeah. And then they found out it was his dick, and then he was trashed for a year. His poor wife, too.

I know. He dragged her through. That's a solid dong there. For a year. Is that, we're gonna have to believe a lot of this, Matt. I mean, I'm, we've given Matt so much worth this week. I'm sorry. You can bleep. I apologize. But yeah, he looks great. He looks

better than, who was the other guy that was? The Bezos. The Bezos, yeah. I know, but that's one of those bodies where you're like, you don't expect it either, because he looks like kind of a scrawny dweeb. Right. With that neck, and then you're like, you don't expect it either because he looks like kind of a scrawny dweeb. Right. With that neck. And then you're like, shit, he's ripped. Oh, yeah. But then look, a year later, he apologized, blah, blah, blah.

And then he got more support second time around. Really? We love to forgive people. He sent another dick pic out with his baby in the back for perspective. There was a documentary on Wiener that's great, actually. Really?'s it's terrific it's worth watching gay porn yeah it is it was great but no there's a doc and it's it's really really good and i do think there is something about americans we love to drag people down a comeback we also love a comeback story, right, Will? Come on back. But, you know, the thing is he fucked up for a second time way too soon.

You can't do it that soon when people bring you back. New Yorkers are forgiving people. Yeah. We'll fuck you over, but we'll forgive you. Yeah, but he fucked up doing the same thing. No, no, no, I know. I think a lot of people are like, dude, we just let you back in. Right. Like like that is

and i'll say this too like wiener if you watch those debates he fucking buried de blas really oh yeah he was on his way to he was a great really he was a great i mean dude he's like from the clinton school of charm where he knew you you don't rise like this if you don't know what you're doing he was like new york mayor is a big gig oh yeah politically because new york's a big state i mean of course like everyone knows who gavin newsom is because california is a big state like if you're in a big state people know who the fuck you are you're heavy so it's it is a stepping point to a big speaking gigs book deal big money

or governor senator whatever the fuck you want to do so when he fucked this up I think it was kind of like oh you've got a sickness

dude or maybe he was trying to give us a hint if I become mayor I'm gonna fuck this town nothing too soon sorry man

Will give us gigs to plug man where are you gonna be i'm torn with the z's i'm not sure when this show is airing next week i'm torn with the z's we're going we're going to uh chicago uh oakland san francisco dc uh new york city nice now well let me ask you an awkward question by the way always at the comedy cellar new joke my show on wednesdays with cypher sounds you started new joke night at the Comedy Cellar, by the way. Always at the Comedy Cellar. New Joke Night. I'm going to sell my show on Wednesdays with Cypher Sounds. You started New Joke Night

at the Cellar, which is where comics, we all get up and we get the fuck around. New Joke Night. So you're on the New Joke Night every Monday, it's 830 at Comedy Cellar.

It was, because comics, I felt like, when I created it, I felt like the Cellar, like you're always doing your scripted shit because you want to kill.

You know, you're following some amazing comedians so everybody's just killing so i just wanted to create a space where we could just you know be a comedian yes you know like just work out yeah put the script down and just try some jokes and but with a crowd yes like what we just did just now a few minutes a few minutes ago with the jokes but with a crowd there letting some letting us know and i I come and yabba-dabba-doo with y'all and try to get some more of these jokes.

Hell yeah. All right, and you got chemistry set. And I got chemistry set with Sypher Sounds on Wednesdays. That's a hot show. 10.30, it's a dope show. Dope show. I've had some good sets there and some bad sets. I remember the bad set.

You'll be killing. I always appreciate when you put me on a new jokes, man, because it really helps. It's great to have shows at the comedy cellar that encourage new material. Yes. Sometimes, even guys who've been there for a long time, we feel pressure.

You got to bring it. Yeah, to bring new material, or to bring the heat, rather. You don't like to yabba-dabba-do with me a lot. I don't? Yeah. I do. Mark goes in. I love it.

I do. I think I've gotten better about it. You've always been better. What do you mean? Oh, you... You've never been bad. What do you mean? Oh, I just...

Yeah, I get a little... Yeah, I'll be better about it. I apologize. You're like, I got to go. I'm like, oh, shit. Because my... Just to clear the air, when I be yabba-dabba- dabba doing with y'all, it's not about attacking y'all. But I take the joke that you said and I'm like, yeah, let's try to create some more stuff.

Yes. I love it. No, no, I'm sorry, but I feel like a lot of the time I do stay and talk with you. Sometimes I've been, I get a bad idea. Is it because of the black thing? You don't want to be around blacks? I'm a racist. I knew it.

No, it's that sometimes I have another spot or something. No, if I can stay, I want to stay. He told me something about gorillas. I don't know. You don't want to stay at the zoo. That's what he calls your shows. The jungle. Yeah.

All right. We love you, buddy. The Comedy Cellar, Wednesdays and Mondays and every night, Bob. Now, here's the awkward question. How about an album? How about a special? We'll put the fucker on YouTube. We'll produce and every night, Bob. Now, here's the awkward question. How about an album? How about a special? We'll put the fucker on YouTube. We'll produce it.

Oh, yeah. All right. Let's make it happen. All right. Would you really put something out? Yeah. All right. Sounds good.

You got 18 hours of material. I got, yeah. I got a lot of it. I mean, 11 of it, it's good, but you got time. All right. What are you going to do? Where are you gonna do where you gonna be i got everything when does this come out not this sunday but the next so yeah richmond virginia timoni maryland it's a baltimore area hartford connecticut sacramento columbus west palm orlando

the beacon theater in new york city baby. Hell yeah. Toronto. More dates coming. We got more we're announcing. I can't announce some of it yet, but I can't wait. Speaking of Virginia, you heard about the traffic shut down because of the snowstorm? No. Like, there's cars that have been on the road for 24 hours. What? They're sitting in their car in traffic.

I didn't even know it snowed there. Yeah. Is that global warming or what's going on there? I'm not sure it was Richmond, but it's in didn't even know it snowed there yeah is that global warming or what's going on there no i'm not sure it was richmond but he's in virginia near dc syracuse new york kansas city omaha nebraska columbus ohio twice i gotta get a new uh website lady la jolla california tampa florida syracuse i said that all over the road des moines this weekend so yeah come on who opened up for you? I used a couple guys.

Ian Lara every now and then. Sean Murphy. A guy from D.C. you used. Chris Allen. Chris Allen. He'll be there in Columbus. Who opened up for you? Where?

Are you on medication, not paying attention? On the road, it's usually Gary Veeder. Sometimes Dina Hashim. Oh, Dina Hashim, she's funny. Very funny. Whatever happened to her? All right. We got to wrap this thing up.

You guys are great. Thanks a lot. Thank you, Will Silvins. We love you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Thank you.