We Might Be Drunk - Ep 62: Valentine's Day

Episode Date: February 14, 2022

Happy Valentine's Day! Mark Normand and Sam Morril can be seen on the road at a club near you. Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at BetterHelp.com/Drunk Support the show and use promocode DRUNK at DietSmoke.com for 20% off your order. Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook app, and use promo code WMBD to get 56:1 odds on either team Visit MarkNormandComedy.com and SamMorril.com for more details! Join the Patreon for bonus episodes weekly and more bonus content: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod Send us emails [e-mail] Send us mail: Gotham Podcast Studio 39 West 38th Street, 10th Fl New York, NY 10018

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Guys, welcome to a special Valentine's Day episode, but where's Mark? Oh, look at that! Hey, happy Valentine's! Happy Valentine's, folks. Good to be here. I look like Liberace, you look like gay Julius Caesar. Yes, that's me.

I love it. A2, anal. I love it. Look at this. All right. I love it. Look at this. This is a very revealing outfit. I know. It's a lot of nip. I'm sorry, but they don't make heterosexual sizes. There we go.

I love it. The nip is just out. This is like the Elaine Christmas card episode, right? I think I see. It is. Oh, yeah. The nip slip. The nip slip. The nip slip.

Yeah, you look like Hugh Hef over here. Hugh Hefner? Wow. You're right, Liberace. What's the other guy's name? Who? Wayne Newton. Getting ready to pop here.

All right, get ready. Here we go. You look like if the devil went clubbing. on there we go yeah happy valentine's a big champagne guy i haven't popped one of these in a while well you know you can just sip it it's uh it's a holiday made by the corporations it is to fuck over boyfriends isn't it annoying oh yeah it's silly what do we get on Valentine's Day? I know. Michael Chan, that great joke.

He's like, I buy you flowers, dinner, and you blow me. He's like, you should be blowing me on a Tuesday. You know, it's a good point. Weird that it's a holiday thing. And the Cupid, what a strange. Yeah, cherubic little boy. You know what he looks like a little bit? A little baby with a bow and arrow.

Kind of looks like the poster child for anti-abortion. He's like, you get the fuck out of here. Right, right. Yeah, there he is. Cheers. This is a real episode for the ladies. I mean, look at this. We do it for you, gals.

We love the gash. There we are there's a lot of boyfriends right now going what the fuck am i gonna do i gotta do something i didn't get reservations i didn't get a gift the chocolate the flowers it's a lot of work the anti-native american you didn't get reservations yeah my my gal admitted that she said um valent Day is fun. We just want to know you struggled a little. I'm like, it's not about the flower. You just want to know it was a bitch to do.

Commitment. Wow. But you want to see like we had to work hard to get you a gift. Yeah, we had to go on 800 flowers, pick the shit, put the card number in, do all that. They really raise the prices. I mean, it's like hilarious. It's like every other day ten dollar delivery for you like valentine's day 97 dollars yeah what the hell

did that come from i know and i think you know these you see these bodegas in new york all they have outdoors are these flowers flowers it's so many and who's buying those they must die weekly right you show up with like the the gift wrapping paper around the flowers she knows you fucked up oh yeah if they're if they're not in a nice little vase and they always upsell you they're always like oh uh you get a little teddy bear for an extra seven dollars yes that's true what is she 14 well the thing is they're all at the office and then you get the flowers the girl next gets the flower and the teddy bear you're fucked well now that everyone's working from home no more flowers that's true and the little guatemalan're fucked. Well, now that everyone's working from home, no more flowers. That's true.

And the little Guatemalan guy working at the bodega, you know, whenever you buy flowers, you're in trouble, you know? But that's the one day he's like, I got a better life than you. You're buying these flowers. He's like, ah, you're in the doghouse. Sure, I live in a shoebox, but I'm playing video games tonight. You know, it's a weird holiday because it is i do feel like women when they when they're not in a relationship on valentine's day do get upset you get the two

sides you get the empowered like i'm going out tonight or you get the i'm low right you know and it's kind of like nah it's like it's a bullshit holiday you don't have to feel that way it really is it's the jewish christmas you know it's the same thing but what does that mean well i think jews on on Christmas are like, this isn't really our thing. But I love Christmas as a Jew. Okay, well, there you go. Because, you know, it's a nice time of year.

I like Christmas music. Sure. And then on top of that, you get a day of basketball. And on top of that, it's like a traditional order in Chinese. So I have fondness for Christmas as a Jew. All right. I like that. Yeah.

We don't feel anything on Hanukkah. No. Are you guys aware of February 13th being the day for the Gumar? Ah, that makes sense. The mistress. Yep. Damn, that's hilarious. That's going to fuck you, though, on Valentine's because they're going to be like, they're going to be so mad.

They're going to call the house, you know, and Carmelo's going to pick up. It is hilarious to give them the off night. Yeah. I mean, it's not even nice. You're like, oh, you get to be the B team. I know. Does that even feel good? JV.

That's tough. But I will say for guys, Valentine's Day, if you're single, you hit the bar, you're getting laid. Yeah. Because these gals are just like, I need some kind of companionship some something some connection there's there's definitely like wedding crashers energy in the air yes you do feel like you're like a groomsman or something and uh yeah i mean it's it is a crazy night out. Yeah. For sure, as a single guy. And no matter how empowered you are, feminist, a loner, whatever, you feel it. Every commercial is, you know, every kiss begins with K. And then you're at home eating bonbons and watching Ozark again.

I gave up on Ozark. I'm kind of like. Oh, the new season's cooking. It's good? Oh, I'm already four in. I almost was late to this. Really? Yeah. You can't watch TV in the day.

It's just a poison. Yeah. You got it night. It's like drinking in the day. It is. Anyway. Remember these little fucking chalk candies that everybody had? Let me see what this one says.

You have HPV. What the hell? Oh, they've changed, huh? What the hell? Damn it changed. What the hell? Damn it. What do you got? Trans aren't real. What the hell's going on here?

What are these things? These are terrible. I know. These are so bad. They're horrible. You're eating chalk. You're eating chalk. This is just chalk.

I think they're like 80 cents a gallon. There's no... I just bit into this. There's no nutrition. No. Whatever this is going in. There's no nutrition. No. Whatever this is going in. Yeah. No flavor, no nutrition.

And look, the words are all askew. What'd you get, the cheap box? Jeez, look at the take-me's written on it. It just says tack. Look at that. What... How do you feel about champagne, both of you guys? Gal pal.

I can leave it. You can leave it? I'm into it. It's just too sweet. It's too sweet. Too sweet. I like bitter alcohol. I don't, yeah, I don't. Like, I like wine.

I like smoky. I like sweet. Smoky, bitter. Yeah. I don't know. I like it. Maybe it's just the accoutrements. You know, it's at a party.

It's the popping. It's the fizzy. It's because you associate it with festive. Right. But it's kind of like lobster, where we put it out in this high pedestal, but it's not really that great, is it? Yeah, it used to be peasant food lobster, right? Exactly.

Yeah. Champagne, I guess you associate it with a wedding. So I associate it with having to buy a plane ticket to something. So I'm like, fuck this shit. Oh, good point. That makes sense. You're not drinking champagne at a funeral. Yeah.

Unless you hate the guy. We should normalize that. Yeah. That's good. You're not drinking champagne at a funeral. Yeah. Unless you hate the guy. We should normalize that. Yeah. That's good. Like send him off. Right. Send him off. Yeah.

It's better. You know what I loved on The Wire? When someone would die and they'd lay the body on the pool table in the bar and they'd just get hammered. I loved that. Oh, the Irish wake. The Irish, man. Yeah, that's fun.

The Irish do it right. They do. Anything alcohol related, they do right. except find a place to sleep that night. Other than that. And potatoes. Yeah. And also, I associate champagne with marriage, which is terrifying. I'll see you in November, honey.

Wedding's coming up. Can't believe it. I know. How do you feel? Well, the clock's ticking, but this is it. This is my moment. This is like before, you know, they take you in. Yeah.

You got to live. Vegas, Atlantic City, champagne, drinking, Cupid. You got to live now. So you popped a big question. Now the next question is, do you allow kids at your wedding? No. No kids. we're having abortion booth no kids at the wedding i i think that's a funny idea i thought the pictures were kind of odd the little uh strip nothing wait people do that at the weddings right you get the picture yeah one two three four the face all right i don't know why i'm explaining the joke that bombed here yeah yeah no kids because it's not just we don't like kids yeah we don't but you got them uh the parents now can't have fun because

they're watching the kids so it takes away from the whole environment yeah same with a comedy show you don't want kids at a comedy show no You can't fuck around. Yeah, and if you do fuck around, you kind of have to work the kid into it. You have to be like, this guy, he doesn't know what fisting is. Look at this kid. You hope. Apparently. Yeah, exactly. So we want it to be, it's New Orleans.

It's fun in the sun. It's going to be great. I'll say this about New Orleans. New Orleans is like the tasteful city of sin. Ooh. Because Vegas, everyone, but it's like the commercial city of sin. Yes. You still have legalized gambling.

You got that right. In New Orleans, you got Harrah's and stuff. You've got, it's just more fun. Yeah. And we, you know, what we have is the culture. Vegas is just like, here's our strip club. We got steaks. We got slot machines.

We got high rollers. And New Orleans is like, we got jazz. We got Creole food. We got Jazz Fest. We got Mardi Gras. We got the French Quarter. You know, we got the good food. It's got that mixed in.

You're right. It has more of an identity. Yes. History. Yeah, the French, you know, Creole. And then you have like actual music as opposed to some guy who's doing, like, a Robert Goulet impression. Like, oh, man. Yeah.

There's a reason Vegas is DJ Tiesto. You know, we got Witt and Marsalis. They got some hack on a laptop. For sure. Easy. Come on. Techno's not real music. They know that. Yeah, I'm not into Vegas. i don't like it i'm with you and i i like reno even less oh all right what do you like about vegas what

comes out of vegas that you're like i like once you're off the strip it's all right like there is a lot of beautiful stuff in vegas but that strip it's just like i don't know and it's like you you stay in a hotel in there you could stay in for like five days and not go outside. There's a darkness. Oh, big dark. Big dark. But the Rat Pack energy is great. That whole branding was good.

Night One in Vegas is great. Night One's great. The hangover. And then it's all downhill. Yeah. You see people walking into Vegas. There's so much hope. You see them raving.

You're just like, oh, man, that dude needs help. Well, when the hangover kicks in and the sun is shining and you look them breathing you're just like oh man that's that dude needs help well when the hangover kicks in and the sun is shining and you look around you hear that bing bing bing bing there's smoke everywhere she's on a rascal he's on a respirator they're drinking a gin and tonic smoking at 11 a.m you hit the buffet then you hate yourself then you go to the pool and the c-section scars the neck tattoos i gotta stop saying it's circus circus i remember i was at a shitty casino in uh in reno nevada my opening line was uh man what a great city if you ever want to see fake tits in an oxygen tank on the same person i mean but i remember uh i was welcome by them

well i was at the uh i was at the all you can eat buffet and i saw jim jeffries he like came to hang out and we uh and i was like man it's all you can eat buffet he goes when you make enough money everything's in all you can eat i was like oh that's a baller line man he's always charming he's very there's like a poetry to the way he speaks complete well he's i love that mix of degenerate booze bag you know piece of shit guy with like intellect and and wit dude he he uh the way he speaks is very funny like i saw him years ago i was opening for him and he uh the way he dealt with the heckler he just goes he says the word cunt and it doesn't feel off-putting yeah he goes you're gonna wake up tomorrow and you're gonna think i was a bit of

a cunt and that's the only time you're right. And he's got a smile the whole time and a cocktail. It just works. The accent goes a long way. Classic. He's a classic. Although it wouldn't really work with like, would that work with an Indian accent?

Eh. I don't know. If you're charming enough, you could probably pull it off in any accent. But for some reason, the Brits and the Aussies can really get away with the C word. They really can.

They really, there is something softer about them saying it yeah i'm just not talking about women's private parts they're talking about a personality type yeah but who actually refers to a vagina as a cunt i've never heard anybody go i'm gonna fuck in the cunt a hell's angel maybe yeah exactly who does that sounds very violent yeah i've never heard of a cunt talking about the the clam it's almost like calling a guy's penis a hog wow you're like that's weird like look at that hog for a woman i mean oh a woman a woman yes yes a woman yeah they never say that a guy will say it jokingly but a woman won't say that no not to me especially i got no. I heard an interview with Jim Jeffries, and he was talking about his last special on Netflix.

And they said, look, do whatever you want. Just don't say cunt within the first 15 minutes so we don't lose the audience. He goes, if you watch the special at 15 minutes and 4 seconds, I'm like, are you cunt? Wow. He had a cunt clock up in the corner. That's hilarious.

Damn. That's what I call my wife's cycle. All right, cunt clock up in the corner that's hilarious damn that's what i call uh my wife my wife's cycle all right i loved it damn it we got it no i used to all right we got it man i don't like champagne it's like does nothing for me i get wine like if i if i'm if we're drinking like uh like a smoky red i'll i'll fucking get on board if like, we're drinking like a, a PD, a scotch or something. By the way, guys, if you're listening,

we might have good news on the, on the whiskey that's coming. A lot of you've been asking. It's this shit takes a long time. A lot of red tape, a lot of fine print. Mark and I have never been in a place where we've had lawyers. And apparently that's why a lot of people owe us money.

The last few years, we are not good businessmen. Good owe us money the last few years we are not good businessmen good point but uh the good news is we have lawyers now who are making sure we don't get fucked and i think i think this is i mean we've already tried it's great whiskey great whiskey it's gonna take off i and we and so many of you guys are asking us about it on the road that i feel like we're gonna sell out man, man. Oh, yeah. Now, here's the question. Yeah. Let's hype this thing up.

Let's move some product. Can we reveal the new name? Let's wait to see if it's... Of a go? If there's a copyright issue. Okay, 100%. But, like, yeah, we have a new name. It's a cool name. It's a very New York name.

What a tease. This is big. Yes. This is big. And I think... More of a tease than that outfit right there. Look at that nipple. Woo!

Wish I could do the thing where you flex. You could do it. I don't know how to do it. Come on, you could do it. I got nothing. Is it only homoerotic if I'm attracted to it? Yeah, you've got a nice nipple. Yes.

Look at that. Solid nipple. There's like eight hairs coming out of it. Look, if I had to suck on a man's nipple, that wouldn't be the last one I chose. All right, I'll take it. Peters is in the booth giving a thumbs up, too. I'm not crazy. Look, as a straight man, it's important to say, you know, I'm not ashamed of my sexuality.

And I'm not ashamed if I were gay, who gives a shit? I'm just saying, I'm looking at that nipple and I'm saying, well done. All right. That's all I'm saying. I look like the guy in 300 who couldn't get in. I'm like, come on, guys. Why won't you have me? I'm just cleaning swords.

All right. Do you shave your chest? No, I'm just naturally not a hairy douche. My asshole looks like your eyebrows. You're like the Mr. Bigglesworth of cats here. What the hell? I'm like a fucking rag doll over here. I'd kill for half, between halfway,

because my lady's always like, I wish you had a little more chest hair. Yeah, she likes it. I know. I mean, I hated it as a kid. I remember I dated a girl in college, and she was like, can you shave your chest? It's kind of gross. And I was a kid.

Yeah, I remember. Yeah, and I remember as a kid being like, yeah, sure. All right. And then I grew up, and I'm like, oh, I can't believe I let her do that to me. I felt violated. And that's a little, imagine saying that to a woman. Like, hey, could you lose five pounds? Or whatever grew up. I'm like, oh, I can't believe I let her do that to me. I felt violated. And that's a little. Imagine saying that to a woman like, hey, could you lose five pounds or whatever it is? Like, what's the difference?

I have said that. No, no. But I think, you know, yeah, the chest hair thing. It's like you grow up and you're kind of like, it's fine. It is funny when you see an actor take off his shirt in a movie and he's hairy and you're like, oh, wow. He's human. Yeah. He's normal.

You're just so used to seeing, like, Ryan Gosling type bodies or Brad Pitt where it's just, like, perfect. Yeah. So when you see, like, a Sean Connery, you're like, fuck yeah, dude. Yes. Alec Baldwin. My dad. Alec Baldwin. Yeah, very hairy.

He stopped going shirtless, though, at a certain point because I think, you know. Yeah, yeah, that's true true he also stopped checking the gun but all right but my dad is insanely hairy i'm talking shoulder hair yeah like that's my dad looks like that and the only downside i didn't mind i didn't give a shit but the only downside was when we'd go to like the rec center and he'd be in the pool and i'd be like swimming towards him and it would be that you know hair wiggle in the water and that was a like swimming towards him and it would be that, you know, hair wiggle in the water and that was a little like, ah. It's drenched, it's dripping. Exactly, yeah.

Like fucking tassels on a stripper's nipple. Totally. Just the hair dripping. Yeah, there's something weird about those rec centers. They make you wear the hair thing, right? You have to wear the swimming cap. Yeah, at the rec center. I didn't know that.

But they don't do anything about this. They don't make me wear like a full body scuba suit. Or the pubes. My God, the pubes. Do you have a pube situation? Full bush. Really? I go full.

Really? Oh, yeah. I'm all natural. Manscaped sponsored by. Oh, shit. Yeah. If I do hit the base, I look better. Really?

I don't know. I feel weird doing it. What about you? Yeah, I'm hairy. Yeah. I'm hairy all over. I'm a hairy guy there you go you're russian polish russian polish russian yeah do you get the leg i'm hairy to me that's the the ugly part because you want the genitals to really pop but if the if the hair goes onto the thigh i feel like the whole thing is a little more it's not like horrible but i'm not i look like i probably i look like that without the tone right right right i'm not playing uh jack ryan and hunt for

red october you know what i mean but i do yeah i'm hairy now where are you at on the back hair i got a little up top down low or all over just a little up top okay just a little hint like a little cherry on top of the sundae i think that that's gross. It's gross? Yeah, like just the patches on the shoulder? Yeah, it's not good. Wow. I don't feel good about it. What if it's a hint? It's a hint.

Yeah, I think a hint's okay. Are you not hairy? Yeah. Not like this. Or not like you, but somewhere in between. All right. All right. I'm taking my shirt off right now.

Yeah, please. I remember I was really high as a kid once, uh we were at a girl's house and she uh we were so all so baked and she uh she pulled up a picture of a really hairy guy's ass and i was so high that i was like is that me and she goes what and i was like i'm just is that my ass and she's like no it's like i'm it's a website and i was just like i was just and she was like this is like crazy that you think that's and i was was like, oh, all right. Well, you were that high. Yeah. Yeah. That's hilarious. I can see myself doing it.

Who gave you that picture of my ass? This is the worst Valentine's Day episode ever. We're talking about ass and ball hair. We've lost every female listener. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's. That's tough. Well, that's part of why the 40-year-old virgin scene was such a big hit with Steve Carell.

Because she's waxing him. But he was a hairy dude, Steve Carell. Oh, yeah. Very hairy. Pull that up. That was real hair, I assume. Jeez, look at that butt. We can't use any of this, can we?

That's a side butt. That's fine. Side butt. You always feel like you're going to look way better without the hair here. You always think once you shave, you're like, I'm going to look like fucking Hugh Jackman, dude. And then you look at it, you're like, eh. I wonder if he had to, you know, get really waxed on film. Oh, I think that's his first waxing ever.

Yeah. So that's real. It must be. Because some blood pops up. And she does it over the nipple, too. That's got to hurt so fucking badly. Women do this shit all the time, by the way. That's true.

And they get the labia fucking waxed. That is a sensitive area. So this is just how funny Carell is. He's just riffing in pain, literally. So I got a theory

about this scene. I know no one asked, but I can't remember what the actor's name is, the black actor. Yeah, he's great. He walks out and says, I can't watch any more of this.

And I have a feeling, he does it right here, right here. And I have a feeling like they were shooting this and there was a continuity problem. I don't know if this is to be true. Because why would you remove an actor from a scene? Huh.

Unless they're like... Not just to heighten the situation. Oh, dude. Oh, you're probably right. I didn't know he came back. Look how young and fresh Carell looks. The first one's the only one. This was his breakout role, man.

Oh, yeah. This and The Office. I know, right? Damn. Were they simultaneous? Monster. Running simultaneously? I think so, yeah.

Well, they said this bombed and The Office saved the tickets. You should have known! This movie did not bomb. They said it kind of got fizzled away and then The Office was such a hit that people fell in love. Give it a goog. Hold on. That's great, man. This is like young Apatow.

Everybody's young and full of life. Seth Rogen was fun. Holy shit. Fuck me. Fuck me, Elias. It's crazy. Paul Rudd just looks exactly the same. I know.

He's a hunk. So he leaves. So I think there's a continuity problem because they do this next one and he's not there. Yep. And they can't explain it. Like, why is he not there? Oh, cocksucker motherfucker. You pulled on two.

Oh, God. Why didn't you pull on three? Sweaty pie hole. God damn. Kelly Clarkson. All right. See, they fix it. I don't know if it's fixed. I mean, I think they...

She's just laughing this is you're pulling away i can't i'm leaving this is like the classic seinfeld bit how women will you know pour the flaming hot wax on rip it off the root, but you're still scared of a spider. That's a classic. Yes, classic bit. So true. The labia is so delicate, and they just whoosh. It's crazy. I mean, it can't be that delicate. Yeah, I guess you're right.

If you're doing that to it, that must toughen it up. That was the old Betty White quote. Why do we call a vagina a pussy? It takes a pounding. It keeps coming back. Is that Betty White? That's Betty White.

Give it a gook. I thought it was Thich Nhat Hanh. That's crazy. Who also just White? That's Betty White. Give it a go. I thought it was Thich Nhat Hanh. That's crazy. Who also just died. I know. 95. Wow. I heard it was because of the COVID vaccine.

Oh. I heard it was fentanyl. That's what Dr. Hulk Hogan told me. He said that the COVID vaccine is why Betty White and Sidney Poitier died. In their 90s. Hulk Hogan, huh? Damn. Show me a pro wrestler who lived past 87 and you're giving medical advice.

Why do people say you grow balls? Balls are weak and sensitive. You grow a vagina. Wow. Like a thing of pounding. Damn. So I was paraphrasing. Respect.

Respect Betty White. Yeah. It makes you realize she could really get ruffled up in bed, guess yeah damn oh yeah good for her what are there any rom-coms that like you're okay with because rom-coms are obviously a woman's game that genre but there are some that transcend the genre right yeah annie hall annie hall killer but guess what you say annie hall they don't end up together ah that's like a socially acceptable male rom-com they broke the mold because i was gonna say like you know annie hall is like one of my top two yeah what else is good what's a good rom-com about a love actually is good but it's it's christmas more than val's, probably. High Fidelity is a good rom-com.

Oh, great one, great one. When Harry Met Sally. Oh, yes. Now we're cooking. Something about Mary. Does that count? That's like a comedy that has a love interest. Sure.

All right. Pretty Woman Sucks. Moonstruck is funny. I have never seen Moonstruck. Moonstruck, Nicolas Cage is great, man. All right, Sleepless is all right. You've Got Mail is fine. It's funny that he's like the big bookstore and that's the villain back then.

He's like, this guy works for the Barnes & Noble equivalent. And it's like now it's like they're just getting destroyed. Yeah, yeah. Whenever I'm in a Barnes & Noble, it has the same feeling as when you're visiting a grandparent. We were like, ah, this doesn't have long. That's true. It's a bummer. You love it.

And I love a bookstore on the road. I do, too. If you just go through books on the road, it's so nice. City Lights in San Francisco. You ever been there? Great bookstore. I was just there. Really?

I bought a couple of film noir books. Oh! They've got so much good stuff. Yeah. It's nice. But you're right. The Barnes & Noble is like grandma's because you go in there you're bored you just sit down and then you're like you just sit for an hour just waiting to for time to pass you're like i shouldn't look at my phone but

i will yeah yeah you read man shout out to the bookstore it's like a little safe haven you're on the road you just run in there like this is this is perfect it really is they're always quiet you even feel a little cooler and smarter being in there like powell's books the road, you just run in there. You're like, this is perfect. It really is. They're always quiet. You even feel a little cooler and smarter being in there. Like Powell's Books in Portland, you just walk through there. I'm not going to buy a goddamn thing. I pretend to look at one. I'm like, oh, get out of here. And then I put it back.

You know, we all do it. And we go, oh, that's good. And you never read it, but you've heard of it. That's just it. Did you guys mention Harry Met Sally? Yeah, that's a great one. Yeah. That's a class.

I mean, it is hilarious. Iary goldman has a joke about this about how like he's just like not into her he's like the balding womanizer you know billy billy crystal's like slow down meg ryan you know like they bang and he's like i've got a lot of poon to work through in new york is uh uh i mean shout out to bruno kirby, and Carrie Fisher, who both passed away, who were both amazing. Great rom-com. Rob Reiner crushed it, man. Crushed it and going through a divorce while making it. Wow.

Yeah, which totally fucked him up, he said. Damn. And, of course, the iconic Katz's Deli scene. I got to shout out Richmond, Virginia has a Jewish deli, Purley's, that Gary Veeder and I ate at. One of the best meals of my life, man. Really? I mean, the borscht, the matzo ball. We got smoked salmon bagels, the pickles.

Just like a classic. It's incredible. Wow. I was like, where do we go? They looked at both of you. In Richmond? They said it's like the spot where Dame went there the man versus food guy like it was they's like this is our spot i think if you're the jewish place in west virginia you're

like we gotta kill it you know they gotta bring the heat it's like jackie robinson oh that does look good oh wow that looks great dude it was incredible I love a Jewish deli And the big portions too Dude it was great Alright yeah and I love the old look With the booths and the font and the tile walls Look at that I bet they got some head shots in there That's the other Jewish joke Man this place is terrible

And the portions Oh yeah that's great So good Or the waiter goes up to the guy and he goes is anything all right classic classic so many jewish jokes are just like i'm miserable that's like the punchline like i'm unhappy yes exactly damn yeah i love uh i love that place we went that we here's the thing we wanted to go back the next day but they comped our meal they comped our meal like gary and i were like we got to go back i'm like we can't go back because

now they're gonna think we just want another free meal and i don't want to do that that's so curb that's like such a great plot in seinfeld or curb well because we were both like dying to go back it was so good yeah back in disguise right right full rabbi'd out i had a similar thing i told you this story but i went by a restaurant with me and my lady and this guy was like came out of the restaurant he had the apron on he's like oh i'm a fan you i love your comedy i was like oh he's like anytime you want come by here let me know and it was a full restaurant i was like all right and she was like let's go back tonight i was like great he'll still remember us. We go back. We buy all the shit, all these drinks.

You got to have this. You got to have that. They didn't cop us. I remember you told me when this happened. This is so fucking funny. Yeah. It's insane to upsell you. Yes.

After being like, I'll take care of you. That's not taking care of you. No. We all know what take care of means. Exactly. So we made a sketch about it. There it is but i remember this was beautifully shot yeah that's sally for you fun man this is a good

sketch this is my manhattan this is uh he's now dating his son stepson but we so we uh we talked about this i remember Mark did a club back in the day, and they upsold him on like, and Mark's like, what do I eat here? Yes. Get the salmon, right? Funny Farm in Youngstown, Ohio. And they upsold Mark on the salmon, and then they charged him. Mark's like, I'll get a burger.

They're like, no, get the salmon. Yep. And then they charged. It happened to me at a club called Looney's in Colorado Springs. Really? Where they were like, the bartender all week was like, you can have a beer. I was like, eh, man, I don't know. I'm going on. He's like, come on, have a beer, pussy. And I was like you never beer i was like yeah man i don't know i'm going on he's like come on have a beer pussy and i was like yeah fuck it i'll have a few so i had a few beers each night and at the end of the week they gave me a

bill damn what a funny way to upsell you fucking pussy yeah damn yeah i waited tables for years that that upsell shit is real that's fucking bullshit we got a new wine in this is how you sell it blah blah blah it'll make your bill go from here to here which makes your tip go from here to here and like guys took that shit serious like wall street well it's all alcohol it's all alcohol what's the deal with um the second the second most expensive bottle of wine is what the guys always order right isn't there something like about that that makes sense because you're not crazy breaking the bank but it's still high end well you're like well it's not the cheapest but i don't want to what am i you know if it's like 18 it was like a like a 16 bottle of wine and 19 bottle of wine you know a 40 and a 45 what do you what's your eye go to go 40 no in my head i'm like

i go like 19 probably oh i think it's 40 45 so, 45, so I went 40. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I see what you're saying. That makes sense. That's all psychology. You know, the 99 cents thing is just a dollar, but you see 99, less than a dollar, you buy it. Yeah. Damn. Prostitute should charge $399.

Yeah, exactly. Or $299.99, I guess, is the real move. Sure, depending on the prostitute. Have you ever gotten one? No, I can't do that shit. Yeah. Did you do it? I did it once, but...

But you were a kid, right? I was a virginity, and I didn't know she was a prostitute. So maybe it wasn't a prostitute. She didn't charge me. She's a terrible prostitute. Well, I think we had a good time. Which is what every guy told me. Well, he has proof.

That stripper liked me. This one's on the house. Yeah. Well, I was also illegal. Oh. So maybe she didn't want to have any detachment. You were molested? I guess. I'm a survivor, but it was great.

Mark's bragging right now. I think this is not good. Well, I was underage legally. But I guess for guys it is different. Sure. I know that's not what the police report ever says. How old were you? 16.

That's fucking young yeah if you even said like 17 or 18 but like 16 is fucking young but was she in her 30s no older she was what late 40 pushing 50 she's giving away freebies you say something like that i'm worried about you every week this is i don't have health insurance i steal i had sex with an old woman when I was a teenager. I never told you this. You've told me, but I didn't know you were 16. Oh, yeah, and her husband was there. Or pimp. Who knows? I didn't check IDs.

Jesus Christ. But I'm sure they're dead. I mean, they were not looking great. She died of old age. Yeah, I think so. It was Betty White. No, they're definitely done. He had a Harley Davidson jacket on. She, I think so. It was Betty White. No, they're definitely done. He had a Harley Davidson jacket on. She was very weathered.

Damn. Yeah, yeah. You never want to hear weathered as an adjective about yourself when you're a woman. You don't ever want to... What's she like? She's kind.

She's homely. She's weathered. Yeah, yeah, exactly. She was rough. Seen a lot of winters. She'd been around. She was a hagger. A lot of winters. She'd been around. She was a haggard. A lot of winters in Louisiana?

She's been all over. Who knows where? I'd love to see her again if she's alive. Reach out, sister. She's a fan of the podcast. It's like pearly. Come on, one more free round here. I would compare it to Kellyanne Conway.

Similar look. Oh, that's not bad. No, not bad. Not bad. But when you're 16, that looks like the Crypt Keeper, you know? Sure. Here's a picture of the pimp and the hooker. Huh?

Is that Stephen Dorff? It's Mickey Rourke. Oh, Mickey Rourke. Wow, yeah. What happened to Stephen Dorff? He was just in something. He's in something. He's in a fighter movie, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I saw him interviewed or something. He was like the guy in the 90s. I remember he was in that Nicholson movie, Blood and Wine. That's right. And he's in like Blade, right? That's right. He was like the new Rourke, but he just-

Like three years ago, he was doing like Blue Jewel commercials. Yes. I remember that. Like fake cigarettes or whatever that was. Yeah. That's hilarious. They're in a room. They're like, who's a celebrity who can get who That's hilarious They're in a room They're like

Who's a celebrity Who can get Who's believable With a jewel And they're like Steven Dorf Let's lay off work Early guys

We nailed it They should've gotten Jewel I mean that's right there I mean the fact That you can like Get ahead in the world And your last name

Is Dorf Is quite impressive Well he's handsome He's handsome And cool But like Dorf Well we grew up With the Dorf videos Dorf on It's quite impressive. Well, he's handsome. He's handsome and cool. But like Dorf? Well, we grew up with the Dorf videos. Dorf on Golf. That's a real name?

Yes. I never realized that until this very moment. There you go. So Dorf is just burnt in as joke. Silly. Advertising is so weird. Like that Eminem thing where they're like, we're going to be more inclusive. You know what's amazing? Everyone's shitting on it. But I'm like, they're geniuses. Exactly. Like literally Tucker Carlson's like, okay Eminem's and then Whoopi Goldberg's amazing? Everyone's shitting on it, but I'm like, they're geniuses. Exactly. Like, literally, Tucker Carlson's like, okay, M&Ms.

And then Whoopi Goldberg's like, M&Ms. Like, literally every person's talking about it. And people are like, this is so stupid. I'm like, no, they know what they're doing, dude. Potato Head nailed it first. They started it. And you're right. Everybody's talking about how stupid it is.

People get all, like, picket-fancy with this shit. Well, the far right is like in my day m&ms we're we're more fuckable and then you know and then you get the far left like well it's time to be inclusive with it and you're just like everyone's got an opinion yeah opinion equals posts exactly exactly it's like the new york post how all their their uh the puns the puns but they're also like they're clickbaity they're like yes what like what happened when this person said this and you're like but they didn't really say that but you click on it that's great woke mob remove snickers dick vein that's fucking quality brilliant who came up with

that somebody on reddit that is quality it is it does have a vein it does it's a black cock with a big vein down the middle. Look at that. There it is. That looks like my dick. Not the color, but the vein. And my dick is very square. Filled with nougat.

But yeah, that's fun. That's amazing. The internet is undefeated. Do you see that one Delta? Some guy fucking nailed this. I love just a one quick zinger. Delta wrote, what's a city that changed your life? You know, like travel shit. And one guy wrote Wuhan.

And I'm like, oh! That's great. Or country or whatever it is. But man, that was gold. Yeah. That's funny as hell. And I love the guy, all the people in the boardroom are like, all right, we want to put out a nice pose. How can this be offended?

There's no way they can find anything to joke about here or be offended here, and they still got one. They need to hire comments to look at their tweets before they post them. Ah, like a focus group. Yes. Just a bunch of incel-looking dudes in a room like, I would say this about my dick. And they're like, all right, pull it. You got to get it out. Exactly.

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So support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use promo code WMBD. Get 56 to 1 odds on either team all right what do you got on uh rec i don't i i have more peeves this week oh although i will say okay so i'm i'm running like five minutes late this week and i fucking hustled to make it not 10 you know i hate being late i hate i pride myself on being punctual it's important to me uh i think it's like a thing of respect so i apologize that i was five minutes late on top of that i'm late because all these

fucking orders now at starbucks or chipotle or wherever you go it's all made for online right i'm not planning that far ahead with starbucks good point you guys are everywhere so i get a starbucks when I pass a Starbucks. I'm not saying, hey, I'm going to Starbucks today. That's not on my fucking to-do list at 6am. I'm going when I go. What is the upside of doing it online?

Well, you get there and it's just there and you're in and out. So you take away the 14 seconds of interaction with the guy going, I'll get the small, here's my money. That's it. But also you're not waiting in line. You're not waiting. I'll tell you, I'm waiting there for like 10 minutes for a fucking egg sandwich.

Oh, they're winning. They're winning. These people. I didn't know it was that serious. It's like crypto. I know it's the future, but I won't bite. Yeah, I don't like it. I'm with you.

It bothers me. I want to just walk in and do it. Yeah. Or you should just grab their drinks. Well, those jobs are going to be gone soon. Those drinks. Well, yeah. I mean, there's like six people at Starbucks.

They're going to cut down to three very soon, right? Yeah, you're right. There's like, what, two cashiers? But they're very lax. Some guy will come in and just grab a Chipotle bag off that shelf. And I'm like, no idea. How do they know that's the guy? Could I just grab it?

We know you would i know yeah i thought about it but you just don't want the sour cream burrito or whatever that guy ordered but yeah you're right i'm with you mark i stole a shitty burrito the city's gone to shit this city is going downhill oh yeah i mean i love it here but i mean matt talking about having a by the way matt you're talking about having a knife in a recent episode. My friend brought it up to me. He goes, does he know how to use a knife? No.

Well, he was like, isn't he scared that a guy's going to take the knife and then carve him up instead of just like hit him? Why else would you carry a mace? Mace? What? You got a utility belt? Who are you? Batman over here?

Batman? So I figured mace and a knife, I'm going to win. I hope. I don't know, man. The mace and a knife, I'm going to win. I hope. I don't know, man. The mace is a good move. Although I have mace and I have hand sanitizing spray, and I'm scared I'm going to take the spray. I'm just going to spray him. He's like, oh, thank you.

I'm clean. Didn't we buy it the same day together? I have a bunch I got online. I just have a bunch with my girlfriend in town. I don't want her to not have something on her, so I bought a bunch. All these assholes buying mace online. I go down to the mace shop. Well, I bought them in person, too.

Oh, okay. It's a two-buy limit. You can't buy more than two. Oh, wow. So that's why I stocked up online. I did buy in person, actually. But you also have to give your driver's license when you do it. Interesting.

Yeah. Wow, they card you for mace yeah well they i want they want in the system so you're not hoarding mace whoa shit it's i think other states it's legal new york has a weird of course like yeah in connecticut you can get it and you're like cool no uh no guys running at me with his dick out on the train in connecticut these are new york problems yeah some guy's trying to sell you a schooner. Hang on, wait. Yeah, I don't know.

Connecticut's got some dicey, yeah, Bridgeport. Bridgeport's dicey. Pretty tough. Hartford's got some sketch. New Haven. Hartford's definitely got some sketch. Oh, yeah. New Haven's got high crime rate.

Amazing food, though. Yeah, pick these. Some of the best food in the in the country a little italy area is amazing legendary they also the other ones like modern which i've never been to which is apparently great and sally's i think oh that's right yeah they said sinatra used to ship that pepe's all over the country yeah to vegas he would get it frozen sent to vegas there you go dude it's pretty damn good i pretty damn good. I'll give them that. But New Haven, you have like three blocks

and then you're in hell. You know, there's not a lot of room there to roam. You're right. It's not a walking city. No, no. Even Yale is beautiful.

It looks like Harry Potter over there and then you go like one wrong turn out the gates and you're in the wire. Whose joke was that, Mark? It was like the worst the country is doing,

the better their food is? Schultz. What was the joke? Something about, it's a good Mark? It was like, the worse the country is doing, the better their food is? Schultz. What was the joke? Something about, it's a good joke. It's like, I don't know if this is on any special. I don't want to give out his material, but it's like. I think it's on online somewhere. The more, the worse the women are treated in the country, the better the food is.

That's why no one's ever said, let's go out and get Canadian. Oh my God. That's his punch. But I don't want to butcher it. Not my my joke but it's a good joke yeah but yeah that's uh yeah these uh that's that's america though you go down one street and it's new orleans is very like that you take a wrong turn that's why these tourists get fucked up in new orleans most cities right in america is it just it's crazy one block's great i mean that's why i'm always fascinated by people like michelle wolf who like see cities by running i used to do that all the time but now i'm just i'm lazy

but uh you run and it's a great way to see a city but if you don't know the city you're like what the fuck am i yeah yeah at least you're out running that's true i am running i don't know then i'd rather walk but i'm more of a walker too running is just not it's fun for a minute it's fun to get your adrenaline up and i i get the rush of it but it's just like i don't know you'd rather ball right play basketball i'd rather be distracted i i enjoy basketball so that's like a cardio even the winter dude when you're when you're like that winter uh exercise where you're like it's hard to breathe i love that shit really yeah because when you're done it feels's hard to breathe. I love that shit. Really? Yeah, because when you're done, it feels amazing. That's true.

It sucks for the first couple minutes, but then when you're done, you're like, oh, that feels... It feels so good to be in the cold weather, not dressed warm. Yeah, yeah, that is nice. And you don't need a jacket. You're just like, oh, I worked up a sweat.

I feel good. That's nice. You get the head steam. Love a head steam. Love it. Now, you ever gotten runner's high? That's the worst high, obviously, of all the highs. Imagine telling guys at rehab that.

Although the comedown's way better than heroin, I think. That's true. That's true. I got it once in college. I ran forever, and I was tired, and I said, keep going, and I felt it. I was like, this is runner's high, and I've never gotten it again. I wonder if it's like lack of oxygen or something to your brain. Yeah, I think your brain's like, you're tired.

I know you're tired. You're still going, so we're going to give you another jolt. It's going to come from somewhere. Well, have you seen like real runners, the professional runners? They're kind of shredded. Oh, yeah. Because you don't think of a cardio workout as making you shredded but like i guess they're just breaking muscles all the time or something i don't know enough but like have you seen what's that guy who's always on rogan

the black guy who's a runner goggins goggins that guy's shredded shredded because i think like swimming for whatever reason like everyone says that's a great workout because uh you're not it's no impact so it's all just cardio yeah but you're not there's no impact so you're not like making the muscles work in that way you know so that's i mean michael phelps looks amazing but like look at this guy his muscles are so toned yes yes all definition also running is the only exercise where you're allowed to shit yourself you know i mean you always see these guys like i was running and then by the 13th mile i was shitting but i kept going and i'm like you can't really do that in hockey you know or days shit on the ice people are like wait is that the puck you know but i'm just saying you don't you only hear

about that with them yeah hockey is so badass too i was talking to uh you know i'm on the road gary vito and we're talking about like why are hockey movies so often the best sports movies? Yeah. And Gary's like, you know what it is? It's because a fight can break out at any time, and it makes sense. It's good drama. I was like, ooh, that's well- I mean, why is Slapshot so fucking funny? I mean, Happy Gilmore, the hockey scenes are so fucking funny.

So funny. Goon is a really good movie. Miracle. Miracle's great. It's great. True story. Yeah, that's true. Hockey movies are great. Mighty Ducks was great. It's great. True story. Yeah, that's true. Hockey movies are great.

Mighty Ducks was great. It's great. Good call, Vitor. Yeah, I mean, Slapshot. I mean, one of the funniest scenes is the kids, the Hanson brothers go in and just start beating

the shit out of everybody and one of the older guys on the team goes, this is a fucking disgrace. Paul Newman. That was a dark-ass comedy. I loved it. That was very,-ass comedy. I loved it. That was very, like, 77.

You could really get wild. Well, there's something about small market or, like, you know, AAA or minor league or something, because you're playing for the love of the game. Yes. There's no bullshit, right? No one's there for, like, the contract. They're like, no, I'm here because this is what we do.

Yeah. I love that. There's something, like, very much related to, like, hey, man, like, hey man, like comedy's been good to us the last couple years, but we'd be doing this shit if it wasn't good to us. That's true, yeah.

I think that's kind of the fun. Oh, shit. And the cool thing about comedy is, oh, here we go, we got a melee. And they're like badasses who wear like thick frame glasses. Yes.

It's during the warmup too. I mean, it's hilarious to have dudes in glasses. You're like, I'm getting my ass kicked by nerds. I know. By the way, they're supposed to be wearing helmets. The hell's going on here? Look at these cities before the helmet roll. Oh, I love it.

Which is hilarious that people just didn't want to wear them. It's like when you see a dude on a Harley, and he's just not wearing a helmet, and you're like, you don't want to have a helmet on? Nah, messes up the hair. Did you ever see that video it went viral of the guy skiing by like some pro hockey player and he's doing the rounds in the rink and these girls are like hey billy or whatever his name is i sucked your dick in high school and he was like oh yeah he looks up it's a great moment that's hilarious so this is a hockey goalie before they implemented the mask rule for hockey goalies. Damn.

This is what these motherfuckers look like. Yeah, that's not good for your brain. No. That's got to suck. And they always have knocked out teeth. Hockey players are fucking cool dudes, though. Have you ever met hockey players? The best.

They're really good dudes. It's a weird combination of grace and also being kind of a badass. Because even the finesse guys are kind of badasses. They still kind of know how to fight. Oh, yeah. Equated to professional wrestlers. Also really nice guys. Grace plus badass.

Good point. But hockey, I think you need some money to start it. So these guys kind of came from a little money. You can't really be broke and play hockey, can you? I think it's a part of the culture. Maybe in America, but I think in Canada it's very much part of the culture. Ah, okay, okay. Because Ponds Free is over there and it's free.

Yeah. Here you have to have a rink, but there it's free. But what about the skates? Middle income people can do it up there. The skates, the pads, the stick. I don't know if they wear pads there when they're starting out. But I love hockey players are always cool as shit. I used to have a sports show and I remember Coltonton Orr was on, you know, who is like the Rangers enforcer.

And I'm like, just I remember he showed me his hands and I was like, this is I've never seen hands like this. This is really. And I'd be like, were you ever just bummed when you had to fight? And he said, yeah, I'd look at the calendar sometimes and I'd be like, shit, they've got an enforcer on that team who's going to want to fight me. And I'm going to have to fight this guy and my head really hurts like man what an amazing way to live your life i mean the the goons are you know enforcers i guess is the nicer way to put it uh yeah they always retire young for the most part fucking heads are fucked up i mean they literally take their they have gloves on and they literally, can you imagine

if boxers were just like, just started punching like Mike Tyson, just punching without gloves on. On skates too. The whole thing's insane. So you need balance. Yeah. Crazy about, they pull your shirt over, just start wailing on you. That was an old Dangerfield joke.

I went to a, I went to go see a fight, a hockey game broke out. I thought that was Henny Youngman. I mean, I don't know. Either way. Did you see this Tom Green? I guess he's retired up to Canada, and he's living in a cabin from the 1800s. And this is so meditative. He's just fixing his hockey stick.

Oh, this is him. Wow, I didn't even recognize him. He's one of the nicest guys. Great guy. And then him and his dog out playing hockey on this frozen lake i find that insanely anxiety inducing this is a good break yeah i can break it it's all i'm thinking about i can't enjoy the skate well but that's that's how you grow up i think you get it a little more i get greg fit Fitzsimmons said he played pond hockey his whole childhood.

He said it was the best thing in his life. Yeah, but I'm like, I just can't not think about the ice breaking. Yeah, man. You know, Tom Green is so talented. He really is like, I grew up on him. I really loved his MTV show back in the day. Oh, yeah, super innovative. He's underrated as being like Andy Kaufman level funny, I think.

Because, I mean, dude, go to Undercutter's Pizza. This is I think one of the funniest sketches I've ever seen. Not a sketch. It's like real life. But he follows a pizza guy around and it's called Undercutter's Pizza. And he shows up with all the toppings in a suitcase and he offers a better deal. Oh, that's hilarious. It's such a good. This is free jackass and free internet. Peters, can's hilarious. It's such a good... This is pre-Jackass and pre-internet.

Peters, can we play some of this on the show? Pre-Funny or Die, pre-Adult Swim, being weird. He's a funny dude. Yeah. He's a gook. Look at this. Yeah. What toppings did you guys want on your pizza? Extra cheese. Extra cheese. Ah, I remember this. He's a new business. I understand. We're going to the dark. Get out of here now.

Let the dog out of here. Let the dog out. It's called under- I'm gonna do business right up your ass. Sounds like Long Island. Get out of here. It's got a pipe. Get out of here.

No, don't- Whoa. Get the out of here now. Okay. We were gonna give it to you cheaper. We're just trying to start a new business here. The guy could have not done that and then not had to clean all that shit up. True.

They spit on their own floors. I don't get it. I think he nailed it on the Long Island. You know, we just go up to where the pizza people... Shut your f***ing mouth! You guys ordered a pizza we wanted to sell you. I want one for cheaper. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. There you go. It's got a ham. Dude, he... cheaper let's go let's go let's go he was consistently so fucking funny and creative

yeah that show was amazing didn't he one time paint his hat his dad's house plaid something like that he always had a wacky idea. He got testicle cancer. And he smashed the ball on air. He did it on air. That was one of the most insane things ever. He had testicular cancer. The ball's removed. He takes it in a little thing, and he takes a hammer and breaks it on TV. Come on, with Glenn.

Remember Glenn? Yes. Glenn Humpnick. And he was banging Drew Barrymore. I'm a Marrieder. Marrieder? Yeah. This guy was banging Drew Barrymore. I'm a marrieder. Marrieder? Yeah. This guy.

This fucking geek. Good for him. My dad was threatening to sell my car. The car that he bought for me. My car. Placing himself as a victim. It's hilarious. Yeah.

Yeah. We're actually Eskimo brothers. Who is? Me and Green. Oh, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. We're burying the lead here. Go is? Me and Green. Oh, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. We're burying the lead here.

Go ahead. Well, I mean, that's it. That's the lead. Well, who's the gal? Well, I'm not telling you the gal. Drew Barrymore. Glenn Humplick. Oh, yeah.

Green was great. TV was fun. TV was fun, man. Now TV's weird. I mean, he did the bum bum song. Some of this shit made no sense. It was fun, man. Now TV's weird. I mean, he did the bum bum song. Some of this shit made no sense. It was amazing. Yeah, the camera's on my bum.

My bum is on the sidewalk. Yeah, that was it. I can't not look at your nipple when I talk to you. This is how I know. You can't either, right? No, it's perfectly round, too. Well, I feel objectified. What if I was a woman with cleavage?

Then you're just staring at it. I'd say you chose to dress this way. Aha, good point. All right, there we go. Mark just wants attention. mark's gonna leave he's like people were cat calling me i'll be like well what were you wearing i was asking for it oh yeah look at that all right let me give you a peeve yeah hit me uh what is this amazon it's fucking itchy but uh so two i got two peeves. I got more, too, if you want to keep going. All right, let's keep going.

Do you want to hand over those strawberries, by the way? Thank you. Gives out the flavor of the champagne. Is that right? That's what they say. I've already eaten three of those. Reese's Hearts? They're very good.

I love those, dude. Reese's is my favorite candy. But so, one, how about this guy? The guy who asked you a question, he's texting while you answer, isn't really listening. Then you say something kind of interesting, and he goes, what was that? I'm like, wait, you weren't listening to me. Now you want me to go back because you weren't listening? Get out of here.

Yeah, it's like we did open mics. We're so used to fighting for attention. I got to do that offstage now. Right. I'm so with you. I know those people, and you're kind of like, how boring am I? Yeah.

And then you hear something like, wait, wait, what? Huh? And then you go, what was that part? And they're like, I'm not going back. You missed it. It's tough. These people, I mean, these are the people who are on their phones while they watch a movie.

So you're like, well, how the hell am I going to compete with that? Completely. Or like the one earbud person like you stop to talk to them they only take one earbud out what's going on in the other ear you dazzle me i'll take out the left one but until then it's a test yeah but now you know i've been thinking like with the iphone because i like to text too i like to check my bullshit and whatever so i get it i get looking at your phone but i'm like look i'm reading an article i'm listening to a podcast he's talking to me why am i more inclined to go to the podcast than this guy talking to me and i think i figured it out what you don't have to react with the pie you're just listening i can do the dishes i can take a shit this guy gotta go oh is that right you don't say get out of here come on and i think

that doesn't sound like a lot of work but i think it is yeah being present is work for being present is work our minds wander so much we both you have add too yeah i think so don't you think he has add yeah he's all over the place he's all over the place his podcast is called all over the road yeah i mean oh hey what are you guys talking about so then he you know i feel the same way What is this? I mean. This is very nice. Oh, hey. What are you guys talking about? So then he, you know, I feel the same way as Mark, though. I'm definitely like, I'm like, what the, what? You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah. We both do it. Yeah. I mean, yeah, when you're doing the dishes or something and you're on the phone and they're like, I can't hear you. What was that? You're like, all right. Sorry. I'll just sit in my chair and talk to you.

I was trying to do two birds, one stone here. I get it. Yeah. I get it, too. But, and look, my chair and talk to you. I was trying to do two birds, one stone here. I get it. Yeah, I get it too. And look, being present, but you should be considerate. You should be a human being and interactive. Yeah, when you're with humans, be a human. There you go. That's the rule.

You can't have it both ways. Yeah, you know, you should be a human. It's kind of like these... Mark, what was that? It's kind of like these comics who want to stand in the room but still talk. And I'm like, you got to talk outside the room. But we want to see how the show's going. You're like, you can't have it both.

Either sit in the room and don't talk or get out of the room and talk. Oh, I remember, Mark. I remember we were doing a club. We were doing a club called CB's Comedy Club. Oh, shit. It was a shithole. Remember that? Yeah, oh, yeah.

It was like for those who, this was probably 2009 or something. Yeah. 2008. It was for comics who didn't work at the cellar yet so it was like me mark normand dan soda some killers nate bargatze big jay louis gomez like uh adrian ipalucci was there were funny lineups but uh i remember uh you know we're we're there and mark and i would like young comics just whispering in the back and the guy who runs the room was like incredibly abusive like just fucked with you non-stop but we were like great i mean it was shit money but they gave you a meal which counted for a

lot back then good meal you know you worked your whole day around you're like i'll eat at noon that way i get the free chicken meal and a's at eight yes you know and mark and i were just whispering in the back. And I'm like, and then this happened. And he just, and the guy walks over and he goes, shut up. Shut the fuck up. And we're like, well, that was way louder than what we did, you know. Yeah.

But he's just yelling at us. Right. And then, of course, Mark and I are like this. We're like, ah. And then he comes back and he goes, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Shots. Shots.

We all just do shots. It was like the most incredibly abusive relationship that Mark and I like oh he likes us he gave us whiskey and at the time i was like worth it i'll take a free shot and a meal this is great oh we would get ripped at those shows because booze was like the only booze and food were the only things free so you better believe we abused it totally totally abused you you abused the booze. Yeah, sure. Pass it on. Totally, it was fair. All right, here's another peeve. Yeah.

Tell me where you're at on this one. Yeah. And this is maybe me being a petty cunt, but fuck it, it bothers me. I got a friend and me, we like to debate. That's like our whole friendship is debating. We love each other, but we like to come up with a thing and just fight it out. And I got him. I got him on this argument.

I can't remember what it was. And he goes, yeah, you might be right. I'm like, no, no, I'm right. What does this might be? Hey, two plus two is four. Yeah, you might be right there. No, that's it. We need an objective answer. That's the best he can give you. That's what it is. It drives me

crazy. Or he goes, that's fair. No, that's not fair. I'm dead on here. You've got him in a rear naked choke. Tap out. You might have been beat here. Yes, you might have me here. Exactly. Hate that you might be right. We need to stop these you might be. Is this too much blurry bullshit?

Am I right or am I not right? Yeah, that's a tough person right there. That's a tough guy. I don't know. Maybe he's not that bad. I i like him um that's interesting let me see i had other peeves i always have peeves i always because of this show i always jot them down when they bug me so i'm gonna start doing that with my girls she's like do i look fatness i'm like you might have something um let's see what else uh oh i got got one. I emailed a guy about something. I was like, hey, I just need to know this real quick.

And he goes, call me. I'll give you the rundown. I'm like, I'm emailing you. That's not even like a text to a call. Email to a call. You're jumping two social levels here. Yeah, good point. Call me.

I'm like, we're not close. I need to know an answer here real quick. Yes. And these are always the people that keep you on the phone for 45 minutes. Exactly. That's what it is. Sorry. You go.

No, no, no. You go. I'm sorry. Well, no. It'd be one thing to just have a call and be like, we're meeting at five. See you then. Bye. But it's going to be like, how are you?

What time are we meeting? I'll see you then. Can't wait. Looking good. It's in the calendar. It's all the extra shit. All extra shit, brother. Email, you don't have the extra shit.

You go, beep, boop, boop, done. That's why the call sucks. Sucks. It goes back to the niceties of the listening. It's the niceties that wear on you. Yeah. It's the social norms. Yeah.

Good name for my album. Hey, not bad. There you go. That's not bad. Too close to norm, though. Yeah, it is. R.I.P. Oh, yeah.

It's not you. It's me. How about, hey, man, quick R.I.P. to the great Louis Anderson, man. Because we've recorded some of these late. I love Louis Anderson. Hear, hear. I'm a big fan of Louis Anderson. Love him.

I grew up on Life with Louis. Same. Loved it. I mean, I loved his stand-up. I opened for him once in Vegas. How was it? It was great. he didn't love my act really well he was like uh he was so cool he took me out we went to mcdonald's after how fun is that me and him are at mcdonald's he drank milk at mcdonald's which i'll never forget the whole time like what the fuck's this guy doing he's drinking milk

you know i thought you were like a huge superstar but whatever drinking milk and he's like that one joke you got about i had that joke about pedophiles where i'm like uh girls go out and hit on guys just for the free drinks a great bit makes you wonder if kids ever hit on pedophiles just for the candy and he was like that joke's a little creepy i gotta tell you it's a little creepy that's a great bit i love louis anderson but he's incorrect thank you but he's a clean comic so he was just like i don't know about stuff like that. I'm like, well, the bit works. He's like, I don't know. But he was super sweet. He paid for the McDonald's.

He ate it all. He ate mine. But great guy. I mean, just to hang out. I was nobody. I was like an open mic-er and he took me out to dinner and chatted with me.

We were an open mic-er if you work in Vegas. I guess you're right. I got a lucky break there. He did a great five-minute routine on Craig Ferguson about a hard episode he had. And it was, the entire bit was going to the hospital.

The entire late night set. Where he was just like, you know, he's going through all of it. There was bleeding in the walls in his heart. And he's talking about it. And he makes it so funny. And you're like, man, such a talent. And he was a clean comic. And it was weirdly like every

man but also like very witty and subtle it's hard to get that combination where you you appeal to like it felt like he appealed to everyone yeah completely super likable super down to earth and i believe the first fat guy comic i mean that's not true but he really he i mean he made the fat jokes what they were kind of. Yeah. Like he kind of cemented that, you know, let me move the mic stand so you can see me like all those extra jokes that everybody does now. He started it.

Well, as a late night, as a late night set, you, it's great to open with a, for a late night set, it's great to open with a self deprecating quick joke. And if you're fat, you get a quick fat joke out of the way. He had a great one on one where he goes, man, what a beautiful day it was today you know i almost went for a walk that's a great opener you know it's a great joke so yeah i love louis anderson uh and i grew up on life with louis and that was a great show totally i loved him on family feud everything i'm yeah i'm a fan baskets i never watched basketball oh he's great on bad and and kudos to galifianakis for being like let's get louis to play my mom.

Hilarious. And it just worked. Do you... By the way, you recommended this show to me. I'm going... It takes me a while, but I'm getting through to Mark's recs. Mark recommended the Bernie Brillstein book.

I'm watching Taxi now. Because Mark said how good it was. The show Taxi? The show Taxi. Not the Queen Latifah movie. I love Taxi. Dude, it's phenomenal. Yeah, I was amazed on Taxi.

I don't know how I... It's like shows like this are so much, it's so my humor. Like, I love James L. Brooks. Yes. He's so good at combining funny and art. Totally. Danny DeVito, Judd Hirsch, I love it. Oh, yeah. Tony Danza was the young heartthrob.

Christopher Lloyd was the comic relief. And then Kaufman comes in later. Danza's funny, though, dude. Danza's great. I met him at a Broadway show when I was a kid. It's funny how the Italians were the heartthrobs in the 70s. It was like Scott Baio, Tony Danza, John Travolta. It was all Italian dudes.

Can I play this little bit here? Yeah. This is one of the funniest writings on a sitcom ever. It will. Okay. I'm skipping ahead. Jim's taking a driving test. Okay, so he's taking a test

and he's not really prepared. He has to pass to continue to be a taxi driver. Lloyd? Lloyd, yeah. Okay. So they're there to sort of give moral support.

I love it. Yeah. What does a yellow light mean? Slow down. Ah! I mean, that's vaudeville right there. That's classic. Yellow light mean.

Slow down. Okay. Whoa! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That's comedy, folks. That is basic break comedy. He's gonna do it! Imagine seeing that in 77 with your family you'd be howling and cut i love the the whole trope and sitcoms where no one else hears

things at full volume. I love it. You know, like, what should I tell my girlfriend? And she's sitting right there. You know, they do that every time. Tell her to stop being a bitch. She's just, like, doing her nails still. Yeah, exactly.

I love, dude, Taxi's funny as hell. Funny. And it's also, the pilot's incredible. I respect shows that, like, because pilots are hard because you have to introduce all the characters give a hint of all of them make it funny and hook us and they do all that i mean there's a whole thing about how like your main character is like you find out he's been a deadbeat dad in the pilot and he has to be likable and they stick the land i'm like that's like a fucking play dude and you pulled it off in 20 something minutes like you know i heard james

l brooks once said about the simpsons like no one's favorite character is marge but she's the most important character on the show because the fact that she loves homer lets homer get away with anything is that right that's that's pretty interesting though right like homer he's most people's favorite character yeah he's great at least. At least of the May. I mean, I love Moe. I love whatever. But Homer does have a sweetness all his own. For sure. But if he does shitty stuff and Marge is like, you're abusing me.

Yeah. You treat me like shit. If there's that episode, you know. That's very interesting. I never thought about Marge. She's the glue. She's the glue. How about that?

You need that shit. Yeah, I would go same with Cheryl on Curb. She's not a Marge, but she would keep Larry together and all that. And you like Larry because, well, he's with her. He can have a wife. Somebody can stand to be with him. It gives him points. And he is good to her.

He's annoying, but he's good to her. He's good to her, exactly. You think, like, being married. Larry, we love him, but, like, being married to that character stuff. Oh, it's a nightmare. Totally. Yeah. He's the man.

Yeah, my ex-girlfriend was like, I love Cheryl. I was like, ah, Cheryl, she's not that funny. But now I get it. You need her. It's part of the show. In real life, she's married to RFK Jr., so she picks tough people in real life, too. Wait, is she really? Yeah.

What? Yeah. And he sort of went off the rails this week. He did? Yeah. What happened? He just gave a... Oh, you want to tell it? I mean, go ahead. really yeah what yeah and he sort of went off the rails this week yeah he did oh yeah what happened he just gave a oh you want to tell it i mean go ahead i know jfk jr was like a hunk is he a hunk no he also has that raspy voice problem anyway so uh rfk gave a speech saying how uh the people trying to give you the vaccine are similar to the gestapo. And how in 10 years from now, with all this 5G technology and all the satellites, there'll be nowhere to hide.

Even Anne Frank had somewhere to hide. It's like, bro, don't. He also says Anne Frank was in Germany. He's just getting basic facts wrong. Also, the hiding did not work out well for Anne Frank. I don't know if you finished the book. Damn, I got to check this guy out. He sounds wild.

He's wild. So he's a rabid anti-vaxxer and Cheryl is a vaxxer. They had a Christmas party where it was like, you have to be vaxxed to show up. Whoa. And he was like,

it's because of my fucking wife. That was like in the invite. And then right after he's like, oh, I guess vaxxed people can come here. You know. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Ba-dum, ba like, oh, I guess Vax people can come here. You know. Well, you gotta hand it because Larry picked the right wife then. Because she's kind of dealing with a guy

who's tough in real life too. So that's probably perfect casting. For sure. Man, I had no idea. I'm missing all that. I didn't know about this RFK thing. What do you got for a rec? Well, if we're going down the comedy memory lane there with Taxi, first of all, the new season of Ozark is solid, but I didn't want to wreck that because it's too easy. So I did a little digging.

First of all, I went to Syracuse this weekend, got my ass kicked by the crowd. Not good? Well, we had five shows. One show was amazing. Just the hottest crowd ever. And every other show was like a knife fight in Calcutta. Just not getting shot in that mall was a victory, though.

That's true. That's true. They had a shooting. Did they? Recently. Not that weekend, but at the food court. That mall has, I'm going to get shot energy. Well, the problem is the mall is the city.

Because it's two degrees. So you've got to go to the mall. So if there's a shootout in Syracuse, it's at mall you know everything's at the mall the weddings are at the mall school field trip shootings you name it yeah so either way i was hanging out with this kid kevin and he's like have you we're talking about old jokes at at lunch and he i did a dick gregory joke who's got great jokes by the way great great joke killer one-liners and he goes well you must have seen the documentary. And I was like, what?

That's a Dick Gregory documentary? Yeah. And he's like, yeah, it's on Showtime. So I went home and I watched it. It's fucking great. Yeah. Civil rights activist, great joke writer, great storyteller. Health activist.

He was all about getting rid of the war in Vietnam. He was all about eating right. He would go to fat people's houses and help them and stuff. And he made all these groups to help fat people people and it was fascinating he never stopped i mean he's neglected the shit out of his 10 children but uh fascinating guy it's always weird when people have huge families and they're great to everyone but the family that was big isn't that crazy that was a big part of the doc yeah it's a little weird you know because the kids were like he's a great a great man a brilliant man but uh i'd like to see him you know well yeah that's a little weird, you know, because the kids were like, he's a great man, a brilliant man, but I'd like to see him, you know?

Well, yeah, that's a lot of people who are, like, historically great. Talk to their kids. Yeah, so true. So true. I wanted to give you guys a rec privately, but since we're here together, can I do this? Please, yeah. Okay. So, Kamal Bell has a special coming out.

He's in the doc, by the way. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. They got all the black comics to talk. He's got a doc coming out, I think, later this week. I saw this on Cosby. Oh, you saw it already?

No, I didn't see the movie. I saw the trailer. Have you seen the trailer? On Cosby? It's so good, Mark. You have to watch this. You've seen the doc already? No, just the trailer.

Oh, let's watch it. I'm going to fall asleep halfway through it. I'm a black man. I stand in the comic. I was born in the 70s. What's up with this? More trouble for Bill Cosby.

Oh, boy. Just keep coming in. This was complicated. How do we talk about Bill Cosby? It's complex, Kamau, you know. Bill Cosby was our teacher. He was our center of morality all throughout his career. Made my grandmother laugh, made everybody in the house laugh.

Hey, there he is, Godfrey, best guess. Black America in the 20th century and not talk about Bill Cosby. Thank you. On that set, I saw black writers, black directors. Did you ever want him jobless when he was young? He was a pediatrician. He was an OB-GYN. That's right, he delivered babies!

Oh my god. He could have been a dentist for crying out loud. But you weren't. Bill Cosby has been leaving breadcrumbs. This is my barbecue sauce. After people have something

they get all huggy buggy. Lisa Bonet. He's just talking about how to drug women. Beautiful women. They were lined up outside of his dressing room. What did you think was going on? He looked at me and he said, fool them again. Whoa.

You don't often learn that your hero's the worst sorts of villain. This is just a sad day in the history of black culture. It was just like, no, not not bill cosby it's tough being a sister saying you know it scares me you know now i feel like i have to have this discussion we thought we knew cosby we never knew cosby wow well it's nice to see this type of conversation in long form and not on Twitter because it deserves nuance and it deserves because you can be more than one thing. And I'm not. Look, Cosby's a terrible human being, but but his entertainment did help people. I do think like they're talking about him being a teacher and like he didn't follow his own example.

like he didn't follow his own example he was a dog shit human being but it is important to have that conversation in the long form rather than you know in a clickbaity right social media sort of way agreed agreed way to bring it down i will say yeah the whole thing is insane it shows you like you never know like we're playing a cosby clip on val's Day. Yeah. Ladies. Ladies. That's hilarious. Yeah. Last thing I want to say about Dick Gregory.

But one thing cool about Dick Gregory, good comic, activist, big activist, but still had jokes. You can be an activist comedian and still be funny. Folks out there, you activist comedians, you still got to have jokes. Like he would go on The Tonight Show with like killer jokes with a message. But the jokes were killer. I feel like you don't see that anymore. All these like rah-rah comics, they have no jokes. I could not agree more. You know, a lot of people, you see them on the road.

They're playing for people who already agree with everything they say right and they're kind of pandering to those people of course so i mean it's an easy trap to fall into but you still need punch lines i think a good comedy audience wants to be challenged not in like some way like you're alienating them but in a way where you're kind of everyone's not every joke but every once in a while they're going, hmm, what the fuck is that set up is going to do? I think keeping an audience, a lot of jokes should be the release of tension. And if you're just doing shit that they already feel, you're not accomplishing that. Right.

A hint of discomfort is good for comedy. And seeing things from a different angle, like Jeffreyrey jim jeffries aforementioned the gun bit he hits every angle every viewpoint every point of view and it's like that's why that bit it went viral he could have just gone guns are dumb put them away joke joke joke but he hit every angle that's what's great great comedy is i love when a black comic goes no no this is why racism is good you know you're like whoa wait a minute you know this is interesting now. Even, yeah, sarcastic, whatever it is. But Jim is like, it's almost with Jim's bit on guns where he is saying everything that you're going to poke a hole in. Yeah.

And I know what you're going to say. I'm a foreigner talking about guns in America. I mean, he handles it. It's almost like, you know, like he's a lawyer. It's like a lawyer. I was just going to like Johnny Cochran. Say what you will. O.J. did it. But he got a lawyer. It's like a lawyer. I was just going to, like Johnny Cochran, say what you will, OJ did it, but he got him off, and that's why we know his name,

because he figured it out, and he twisted it, and got his argument out there. And that's why he's the legend that he is. Same with a comic. If you twist it and tweak it, and you're like, damn, you got a point. Yeah. Stanhope is good at that, too. Great at it.

Yeah, so that's fun. But yeah, I'll watch that. I'll watch it, yeah. I feel like I know everything, you know. Yeah. But it is interesting. Yeah, it's pretty. Well, you don't know the black perspective.

That's true. That's true. And that's important. You know, we've talked to Godfrey about it off camera and stuff. But yeah, it's tough. I mean, like, look, we don't want to come off as like hypocrites. We talked about Annie Hall earlier today. Like, I do feel like as a Jewish New Yorker, like that hit me similarly.

You know, like I loved Woody's movie so much, so much a part of being a Jewish New Yorker or just a New Yorker. Like Manhattan is like a love story to New York. Oh, yeah. More than it is a 18 year old who goes to Dalton. 17. 17. Whatever. to to new york oh yeah more than it is a 18 year old who goes to dalton 17 17 whatever but uh you know there's stuff that you have to reckon with and and it's like can you separate the artist from the art can you not i mean there's a lot of conversations to have there with with bill it's like his first album is called himself that makes it tough right it's like this is me right so there is you do feel a little duped if you're a bill cosby fan uh it's tough but then also you're like well i think tom cruise is kind

of a kook too right yes and i love tom cruise movies you know it where's the line and and cosby's interesting because it shows that it can go both ways you could you can be this bad guy on can't like look at jeselnik his whole jokes like killing bay dead babies cancer jokes school shooting jokes they're all funny but he's a nice guy cosby is the opposite we act like because you you say crazy shit sometimes you are a mean guy or gal but it can go both ways you can be the height of morality like cosby and be the worst guy ever. Or you can say the worst shit ever and be a great guy. And if you feel more duped when it's the nice guy.

Sure, sure. Because you're like, I'm the nice guy. And then you find out that he drugged 60 women. There's 60 accusations. And you're like, well, those are the people who came forward. Right? I know. So that's tough.

The number of Cosby victims is through the roof roof it is hilarious to be that sanctimonious uh well i don't curse in my act well you do other stuff yeah exactly you did other stuff that you know like i'll curse right i won't do that yeah you know so uh that's why it's so weird we're like kevin hart made a gay slur 10 years ago you're like well, well, let's worry about this guy. Kevin Hart lost his opportunity to host the Oscars because he said something wrong about gay people. Meanwhile, the same Academy Awards honored Roman Polanski in 2003 with a Lifetime Achievement Award. So you're kind of like, well, I think as comics, we're kind of like we're annoyed with lack of consistency. Yes.

Right. No one's denying. No one's saying none of us are going to say Kevin Hart's not funny. I think as comics, we're kind of like, we're annoyed with lack of consistency. Yes. Right? Well said. No one's denying, none of us are going to say Kevin Hart's not funny. Also, we're all going to say, yeah, Roman Polanski's a great director. Yeah. But. Not just lack of consistency. There's no rule book.

This guy's punishment is worse than that guy's, even though what he did was different than what he did. But we hate him now for some timing. Well, timing to hurt that guy. You're like, timing? What are we doing here? We need to know what punishment fits the crime. And with Polanski's another one where, like, nothing is more complex in that situation.

He did something terrible. He also had one of the worst things happen to him. I mean, losing your wife to, you know, Manson. Oh, right. I mean, if you want to read a great book on this, The Big Goodbye by Sam Lawson is one of the most incredible inside Hollywood books I've ever read. Really?

It is a wreck. I think I might have wrecked it on the pod before, but it's incredible. It's about Polanski, Chinatown, all that shit. It's really a good book. Good Nicholson stories. I wonder if Polanski, when Tate died, he was like, well, she was getting old.

All right. He liked younger girls. I'm trying to get a joke in somewhere. Just lost your Oscar hosting. You're right. We got heavy. He started it with this fucking Cosby shit. I know.

Yeah. What are you putting that on? We were having a good time, and then he shows us a fucking rape documentary. Yeah, I know, right? And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, man? Good Lord. Let's get the Holocaust film up here. Can we do that?

Or there's a Pruder movie, something. Let's just get the bits then. Can we get, yeah, maybe can we get like. Can we get some ginger in here to cleanse the palate? Good Lord. What is it? Ginger, right? That's the shit at sushi.

Matt, can you show us a trailer for an Epstein documentary too? Happy Valentine's, everybody. Woo, boy. Valentine's, hey. How about the Memphis Dream? You know who's going to have a weird Valentine's Day this year? Jelaine Maxwell. That's right. Valentine's, hey. How about the Memphis Green? You know who's going to have a weird Valentine's Day this year? Jelaine Maxwell. That's right.

It's got to be pretty weird. Mark, do you have a bit? Going down memory jizz lane. Yeah, I got, oh shit, yeah, what's my bit? What's my bit this week? Big Papa, I know i got something cooking baby doll and oh this joke i can never get to work and maybe you guys can help me i think i'm on to something but it ain't ready by a mile um okay here we go

i've noticed uh like a lot of women are very aesthetic. Their outfits are well done. Their hair is done. Their makeup is done. Their shoes are trendy. Their apartment is well decorated. They got the mosquito net. They got 19 pillows. Even a woman's dog is well groomed with a little bow tie.

But their boyfriends or husbands are the grossest thing in their life. Tend to be. Like, look at Salicus. He's appalling physically. You know? tend to be like look at salicus he's he's appalling physically you know but like they can see past that where uh you know like they can't see they want their their furniture to be very perfect like may my lady's always like we should get furniture that matches the season i'm like what we have a couch the couch is the couch he's like yeah but what if we got a couch this color because it'll be better in the fall i'm like huh and she'll buy different furs that go on top of the couch depending on the time of year but then she fucks me that's what i'm

saying like isn't that weird the thing you let fuck you is the grossest thing in your life you know we're not very well groomed we're we're unkempt we have a little bo we got pubes you got back hair that's my point is yeah like like a lot of girls you see these beautiful models and they're dating like uh you know a guy with a beard long hair like a duck dynasty guy yeah so with men they can see past the looks but everything else in their life is very materialistic the one time you break your rule is on the most intimate occasion right right i don't know if there's anything here but uh something interesting there it's something i don't know that's that's my premise thinking it's like yeah you're like i need this spot see she's fucking that might be the punchline but that's making my point that's the best part when you're like i was trying to bit last night

about like couples therapy and it was just bombing and i was like well i guess i'm the problem you know clearly like yeah you're an asshole that's almost a good punch to keep um but yeah you know a guy comes crawling out of a from under a car. He's got some fucking oil grease right here. He's eating a hoagie, drinking a Budweiser. And some woman's like, oh, he's so manly. Yeah. And she's into it.

But yet the goddamn mosquito net around the bed and the flower petals and the shawl and the furs and the pillows. They're all very manicured and perfect yeah so what i'm trying to think what you're trying to say is it like yeah because right now i already know what you're trying to say is that you're the one exception to her rule yes and the most important thing not the most important thing in her life you know the like you can buy a couch but you are in love with this man, and yet it's appalling. It's gross. To me, it's kind of like, well, if a guy is too manicured, he's either gay or he's in love with himself.

So you don't want a guy who's that well taken care of. Right, right. Yeah. Also, the way to kill this bit is by saying, well, men have personalities and feelings and these are just things. Women, yeah, women care. What were you going to say, Matt? I said that it's opposite for men. Men will keep the place sloppy but want the woman looking perfect.

We're the opposite. Yeah, we're the exact opposite. Did you say that already? Kind of, yeah. Okay. I thought of that, but now I'm doing a men and women are different bit, kind of. But I don't know. We're all so like, yeah, I'm going to fuck you because I want you to look good because I'm also fucking you.

But they're like, well, I'm fucking you and you don't have to look good. So it's interesting. Well, they do want you to look good. They want you to look somewhat good. Yeah, you can't be homeless, but I just find it interesting that the thing they're fucking is gross. Looks aren't always the most important thing to a woman. With men. With men.

But everything else in their life has got to look perfect. And then you meet a woman who's got a really messy apartment, and you're like, whew, I'm not touching this one. Like, there's something about, like, you want it that way. Yeah. Yeah, even women, like, Paris Hilton will buy the dog that matches her it's cute you know it's not like a uh you never see a woman with like a dirty doverman with like saliva and shit but the boyfriend looks like shit yeah i don't know where the i don't know where the turn is

i just find that interesting and i did this i told michelle wolf that she was like this is big this is a bit and i'm like i got nothing also when someone tells you this is a big bit it puts the pressure on i can't think of anything that resonates with women yes yeah because you know you see you go down women's track record and you're like really that guy and they like dad bods they're kind of into dad bods they like hairy chest they like these things about men i'm trying to think what mixes it up right like if you're just doing if you're only doing one thing it's almost like adds flavor where it's i'm trying to find the right way to say this yeah yeah i'm not adding much yet uh like a woman wouldn't drive a hoopty piece of shit car but she would date a hoopty guy

i guess a hoopty guy can have a have charm a personality a car can't drive a hooptie piece of shit car, but she would date a hooptie guy. I guess a hooptie guy can have charm or personality. A car can't really have charm. My thing is if a guy, though, is too into himself, he's got nothing else to give. He's all about him. So that's a red flag, I think. That might be the angle. Well, she fixed all these things in her life to suit what she likes. Maybe she thinks she'll fix the guy, too.

Yeah, well, that's definitely a thing. I mean, that's why women and a lot of women, do try to get a fixer-upper. I mean, that's just like having a good eye. You look at the apartment, you're like, well, this is below market value, but a renovation could really make this. Flip this boyfriend. Flip this boyfriend. Okay, now we're getting somewhere.

All right, okay. I like it. Maybe the house comparison. This has got good bones. Yes. it. Maybe the house comparison. This has got good bones. Yes. Yes. It's got character. Character goes a long way.

Yeah. That's a charming motherfucking pig. What movie? Pulp Fiction. Thank you. All right, what do you got? You got a bit? All right, what do you got?

Sorry, that was a heavy one. Have I run the bit about ABC's What Would You Do, Bayou? Have you seen this show? It's basically, if you haven't seen it, it's like woke punked. What? You haven't seen this show? ABC's What you haven't seen it it's like uh woke punked what you haven't seen this show abc's what would you do it's oh what would you do oh yeah sorry yeah it's basically like you get actors and then john canones john there we go you know the guy is no one knows him that's why this bit's been kind of working it out of the gate but it needs more. But like, so they, it's usually like a social justice scenario. They try to set up where they gauge the reaction of the people in the store.

Like the one I saw recently, there's always a click baby one. Like one of them will be like, you know, military guy with head problems after the war gets made fun of by waitress. And you're like, I mean, who the fuck's not going to say something? Oh, I saw that clip.

So it's shit like that. Or like there's one where like I just saw recently, and it's like a woman's trying to buy a wedding dress, and the person selling it to her is like, you're a lesbian, and that's disgusting. So we're not selling you the dress. And of course, people in the stores are like, what the fuck are you, what's wrong with you?

So it's basically a test to see who will speak up. Got it, got it. Who will not let this in. So there's a black mother daughter who walk over to this woman they go this is disgusting this is no different than doing it to us because we're uh we're black this is bigotry and they get so worked up that they start crying and it's like a heavy scene and then the guy just comes out like gotcha and you're like that what why would you do this you're just making people sad and so my angle was like uh he's not even famous the guy it's like when you when it's ashton kutcher who did it to you you're

like oh cool i got to meet a celebrity but he comes out he's like it's me john quinones and everyone in the store is like who yeah is he like a fat hispanic guy yes yeah i know that guy he's an older guy he's got to be like 70 yeah and it's like aren't you a little old for this shit dude all right so that part kind of hits and then i want to do a thing about like i'm trying to add to it we're like there's one scenario where it's like a child who gets she gets yeah look at him he's kind of adorable he is but but she gets kidnapped by another guy oh my god yeah and she's an actress i mean i know but you're setting up a real life and death scenario. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And so my first up, my, my angle is like, not exactly a dream gig for this actor, you know? Yeah. He's like,

he's like, wanted to be Hamlet. And he's like, I'm, I'm throwing a seven year old into a windowless van. So I'm like, I'm trying to think, I'm trying to wrap it together somehow where it's like,

you know, one time people help. And that one time has got to be fucking terrifying for that actor. Yeah. You know what I mean? Where he's like, where the fuck is John Quinones, guys? Getting chased by the hell's angels here. Right, right. Yes.

It's doing all right. It needs more. Something's off about it. I don't know. Well, maybe the question is how far is he willing to go? more something's off about it i don't know well maybe the question is how far is he willing to go like a lady at a wedding shop is like you won't serve her because she's a lesbian or whatever you won't sell to her this is sad but like what if we go all in like 9 11 now we got a plane hitting a building and then people are helping people out of the building and some people run

and john quinones runs next to you and he's like sir you helped out you helped that old lady out and they're like the building's fine they out. You helped that old lady out. And they're like, the building's fine? They're like, yes, this was all a game. Yeah, yeah, exactly. How far is he willing to go? That's the angle. You're right. That's the angle.

I have to push it. How far are we going to take this shit? That's the turn. There we go. Go extreme. Like, when does John Quinones intervene? Yes. Yeah.

Yes. And then it's awkward because these are serious situations. So, like, you know, you ever seen the movie Room? Oh, it's brutal. Brutal, but the girl's trapped in the room and then Quinones walks in and he's like, six months later, isn't this crazy? I'm a trap in room for you.

Yeah, exactly. That's great stuff. I like how they're always in New Jersey. Like every one of them is in New Jersey. Like that's as far as they could take the film crew.'s like can we go somewhere else oh dude it's hilarious you get like stat there's one i saw where there's like two girls and they're both with their grandma and of course all actors and the grandmas are like taking selfies in the in the diner that was the whole thing that they're embarrassing the kids or like you know gray hair don't care you

know instagram and they're like grandma you're embarrassing gray hair, don't care, you know, Instagram. And they're like, Grandma, you're embarrassing us. You wish they would just take it further and just start, like, making out. They're like, Grandma. Well, they turn to a guy. They're like, are you embarrassing? Are you embarrassed for them, too? And it's like a Staten Island guy. He's like, I think you fucking grandmas are cool.

I like you, Grandma. Gray hair, don't care. That's what I say about my pubes. But we got to wrap this up here. We got a guest coming in. Road gigs coming up. Mark, where are you going to be, man? I'm all over the place, all over the road.

La Jolla, California, Columbus, Ohio, Cincinnati, Ohio, Kentucky, I think Louisville, Raleigh at the Carolina Theater. Theater? Yeah, we got some fun gigs there. Tampa, Sidesplitters, Indianapolis, Helium. I think I got Omaha, Nebraska. MarkNormanComedy.com. Check it out. Check out my Patreon for other stuff.

And yeah, yeah, out to lunch, Netflix. What do you got, Fetty? I got, shit, what do we have? February, we have, oh oh we just passed this probably just passed uh hartford so yeah i got sacramento this weekend la jolla california at the comedy store uh we got orlando west palm columbus salt lake city cleveland uh new york city beacon theater baby those are those are moving quickly we're gonna sell that out. Nashville, Tennessee, Albany, fucking all over the place. Toronto, Buffalo, Tampa, Yamada, some bullshit.

Check out my YouTube stuff. You're all wonderful people. Email us at wemightbedrunkpod at gmail.com. Rex, Peeves, drinks, movies movies whatever the hell you want to talk about bits we'll listen to our patreon is patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod it's killer oh i like this outro we might need a jazz intro i know you guys hate our our theme so i like this type of shit if you got a good jazz song we'll listen maybe lyricless yes lyricless. Yes, lyricless. Good call. We love you. Happy Valentine's Day. Hope you stay together.

Huh? Oh! That is a beauty. We might be drunk pod.com. And we have the other ones too. We have the Rick and Morty one, right? Oh yeah. That's my favorite one, the Rick and Morty. That's killer. Here, let me cover up my nip, will ya? It's getting cold in here.

I could cut glass. But thank you, guys. And we'll see you next week. Happy Val. Bye, y'all. The Thank you.