We Might Be Drunk - Ep 63: Sal Vulcano & Suntory

Episode Date: February 21, 2022

We got Sal Vulcano with us this week, grab tickets to see him on the road at SalVulcanoComedy.com Check out his pods,  @Taste Buds  and  @Hey Babe  Support the show and get $50 off any purchase of $399 or more by using promo code DRUNK at Indochino.com Support the show and get 20% Off with the code DRUNK at Lucy.co Visit MarkNormandComedy.com and SamMorril.com for more details! Join the Patreon for bonus episodes weekly and more bonus content: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod Send us emails [e-mail] Send us mail: Gotham Podcast Studio 39 West 38th Street, 10th Fl New York, NY 10018

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Hey, hey, folks, here we are, we might be drunk. We're back. We're hacks. We're doing it. Back to the bar. We got Japanese whiskey. We got a Japanese fetish. And we got our old pal, Sal Volcano, everybody.

Let him hear it. Japanese Sal. Dude, we would not have tried this if not for you. Did you get Centauri? We didn't get it. Matt Peters, our incredible producer, got it. You texted me, what do you drink? I'm like, tequila, vodka, whiskey.

But I'm like, don't get anything for me. Well, wait, why Japanese whiskey? I like Irish and Japanese whiskey the best. That's all. I've never tried this. Just the taste of it. I don't love Tennessee whiskey. Really?

Nah. That's the real deal, I thought. I can sip that nice. Irish and Japanese. Ice. No ice for me, too. No ice? No ice. No ice. No ice for me, too. No ice? No ice.

No ice. No ice. That's a classy one. Classy. It's class right here, guys. Yeah, apparently. Very classy. Get a We Might Be Drunk Glass on the website.

You got merch already? Oh, we got merch. We got a studio. This is our first step with a We Might Be Drunk Glass, WeMightBeDrunkPod.com. Is that right? Okay. We got bottle openers. We got all kinds of stuff.

Are you kidding me? Look at the picture behind you. Look at that. I've seen the clips, but you don't get a scope of it. Oh, it's a scope. Space Ball's the movie. Space Ball's the flamethrower. Oh, yeah.

Hit me with that. We even have tongs. You have tongs, and you have the ice, the ball ice. Tong to tong to tong. The ball ice the ball ice. Tongue to tongue. The ball ice is fucking cool. What happened to Cisco? The thong song? Yeah, the man.

He made $100 million. Did he, though? Did he, though? $100 million mark? I'd say at least $20 million. He was in 112 as well, which was another R&B group. I don't know 112. He split from them, but he was, for a moment there,

Cisco was a part of all of our lives. Of course. I mean, I was in spring break time when that came out. Really? Oh, geez, I was way off. Dude, that says you have 36. But that's not accurate. Okay.

That's not accurate. I know that's not accurate because mine's not accurate. That means he's got $45 in the bank. Oh, really? Is that far off? No, if it says $6 million, he's not doing it. But bank. Oh, really? You think so? No, if it says $6 million, he's not doing it. But you don't hear from him anymore. No.

This is what I'm saying. When people are that much in the limelight, and then they are ghosted. Yes. Like, what is he doing? What's his day-to-day Cisco? Called a one-hit wonder for, I mean, look, where's the Mambo No. 5 guy? Yeah, Lou Bega. There you go.

He's doing casinos. Come on, throw another one. He opens with that song, he's in deep trouble. What do you do after that? They're just like, what now? Only two times in my life did I throw in a five and play a song 18 times at a bar. The first time I ever did it was White Wedding at a bar in Greenpoint at about 5 in the morning. A girl fight broke out.

There was dogs in there. It was crazy. What? It was Polacks. Yeah, she she said meet me at diamonds bitch diamonds was a strip club nearby i'll never forget it there was no register they had all the money in a cigar box wow yeah and you had to knock on the door they slid it open and they let you in what year was it 73 this i'll tell you this was early 2000s oh those were the days

yeah yeah white wedding white wedding and and and and And it played over and over and over, and people were like, by the fifth or sixth time, people were getting antsy. Yeah. And then I did it another time at a place in Green Point. That was, no, Fort Green, and I played Mambo No. 5. Oh, nice. You got to play one that's going to- Get them going.

Yeah. That's really fun for one, but cruel for six or seven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, this is the Mulaney bit. It is. And when he did that, I was like, motherfucker like motherfucker i was like ah that's i'll talk about that what did you watch news pussycat yeah he did a diner yeah that's a perfect one i will say my real life thing happened before that i got accused of stealing mulaney joke uh when i first started and i had a youtube video thank god with the date on it which one it was a joke about how

uh chinese restaurants sound like slurs okay you know like uh you know those fucking golden noodles yeah yeah these panda kings i'll tell you and he had a similar bit and i got a ton of shit and i just showed people to youtube and they just don't respond you're like how about a sorry how about oh i was wrong right but you know that's not the internet's way it's more about their anger exactly youtube commenters rarely are like i made a mistake you know what do you think of it oh wait i haven't tried it yet yeah it's good it's not what i was expecting it's heatier than i thought it would be yeah there are there are different i i'll i'll text you when i get home i'll text you the one it's like american scotch oh not american scotch.

That was the dumbest thing I ever said. Holy shit. There are American scotches. Yeah, it tastes like scotch. It doesn't taste like whiskey. I mean, I guess it's all whiskey. It does taste like scotch. Do you guys...

It tastes like... We're half a bottle in right now? Jeez, that was quick. You guys, how much do you really tie on? Well, we do a couple in a day sometimes. I know you met me for dinner last week, and you were ossified by the time you got to me. Well, we did Ari's pod, and we got after it.

Okay, that was not good. For an old man, Ari, he's got grandpa's cough medicine. He's going at it. Well, everyone is saying things they regret on podcasts. We figure, why half-ass it? Let's go all in. Right, yeah. We did the Rogan compilation in one pod.

We didn't have to cut it up. But yeah, no, I definitely had a few in me when I saw you. I hope I was on my best behavior. No, that was fun as hell. That was fun. We had dinner. When's the last time you went out for dinner with your friends? We never do that.

We're workaholics. It's nice. I know. But you got to remember, isn't it crazy? You were pretty sloshed for this dinner, apparently. That used to be my whole life. Every night was just a drunken blur all the time go to dinner go to a party oh remember that party we went to that second party i'd be like i don't

remember the second party that was my whole life and now we do that maybe once every six months absolutely yeah have you slowed down a lot oh god yeah i don't get drunk really same it's like a couple times a night a week ago by accident i got at a, the last time I got really drunk was by accident at a skanks pod. Oh, yeah. It was the first one I had done in a couple of years. It was like after the pandemic. It was probably like maybe eight, nine months ago. I was drinking whiskey neat.

Goes down easy. Didn't eat that day. Snuck up on me. By the end of it, I was blackout. There you go. They called the pod. I was throwing up in a garbage pail and at the stand Wow Yeah, it's a then Jay had to drive me home Wow

I don't know what happened. Maybe someone put something drink. I don't know what the fuck I don't put it past those guys Yeah, that is a joke It's weird like you get surprised drunk now like that never happened like you drink because you don't want to be surprised This is legal. I know what I'm putting in my body yeah it's not like an edible where you're like what the fuck but now as an adult you get surprised drunk sometimes yeah yeah good point before you were like when am i gonna be drunk come on come on you wanted to get drunk so badly i'd say now sometimes when i'm like all right i'll try to have a couple of drinks and then it doesn't take it's the worst thing when you drink like two or three drinks or something like that nothing's taken yes and you're like what am i supposed to

do now i'm supposed to put it into overdrive have seven eight drinks exactly but it's a waste yeah waste because you want the buzz but you're not getting it and now you're just getting the toxins so then you wake up hungover you're like i didn't even have a buzz going terrible terrible weed no no i do edibles now to sleep okay that's that's good. I just take a nibble. It's the funniest way to, like, we're adults. We do drugs for our health. Yeah. It's so weird.

I will. I'll take a 5-mil indica to go to sleep. Yeah, it helps. Out like a life for the whole night. Same. Fun dreams, too. And I tried everything. I tried all the Ambien's and the Zoloft and the fentanyl.

Nothing really worked, but this weed works. Mark's joking. He did do fentanyl. Yeah really worked, but this weed works. Mark's joking. He did do fentanyl. Yeah. This is, he's joking. On accident. On accident. By accident.

By accident? Is there a reasonable dose? No. Well, I mean, I'm still here. You guys are fucking with me. No, no, I did it. I wish I was. What do you mean you did fentanyl?

You could do it? Yeah, Mark thought it was like CBD. He's like, I'll do the good part of the fentanyl right here. No. Mark took CBD from a stranger thinking it was something else. Well, I needed a Xanax. I had a rough week.

I needed a Xanax. So you took fentanyl. And it was fentanyl. Or laced. All right, let's stop. Oh, boy. Let's back it up. I'm sorry for doing this.

I feel like I just got you in trouble with Dad. Oh, no. Are you in trouble? We'll see. I have some if you need me. Wait, he said it was a stranger. Explain the context. You were on the road or something? I was on the road. It was the host of a show. And I said, hey, he goes, you need me wait he said it was a stranger explain the context you were on the road or something I was on the road it was the host of a show

and I said hey he goes you need anything you know he's calling me I was like well I'll do some granola bars maybe some jerky some tequila and if you got any Xanax I just can't sleep I'm dying here and he goes I got you and turns out he was an ex-addict the first bad sign was he had a pager that was pretty shitty

wait so he told you he was giving you CBD and you did not know? No, no, Xanax. I don't know where you guys got CBD. Xanax was the pill that I thought I was taking, that I asked for, and then he gave it to me, and I think it had some fentanyl in it because I was out for like 24 hours. Oh, my God. I fell asleep in the hotel.

They had to come in. The guy shook me. What do you call it? The maid shook me, and then they just put me in the hotel. They had to come in. The guy shook me. What do you call it? The maid shook me, and then they just put me in the lobby because they had to clean the room. They've all marked up in a rug. Wait, you didn't know prior what was in it? No, I just popped it. How did you find out after?

Well, then I woke up in the lobby at about 3 p.m., and it was a red roof in. So I was one of four guys passed out. I found a used still hot crack pipe in my it was a red roof in so I was uh I was one of four guys passed out I found a used used still hot crack pipe in my room at a red what get out of here did you hit it was that no we did not took a photo of it walked across street went to a holiday and express I feel like you got to get a free room with a with a crack I wouldn't stay there I didn't want to stay there yeah I said guys I don't think this looks shady we went in and then I didn't my buddy had it he came out with a crack pipe. I said, can we go now?

And he let me go. How do you miss a crack pipe when you're cleaning, unless it was the maid doing it? Also, what a shitty crackhead. You forget the pipe? They're not a reliable group. They're all black and smoky. I know, but those are supposed to be addictive, aren't they?

Yes. I guess it was empty. Highly addictive. Can you imagine that? Wait, I got to get back, though. You wake up a day later. You don't know what happened. No.

You call him? No. Guys, thank you for being on We Might Be Drunk, my podcast. Yeah, I know, right? The table's in turn here. Basically, my friend, we were supposed to go tubing that day, my opener. So he came by. He's like, you haven't been answering my call.

What a juxtaposition. I know, right? The drug that'll kill you in a heartbeat and then just fun, fun childhood times. opener so he came by he's like you haven't answered my call what a juxtaposition i know right the drug that'll kill you in a heartbeat and then just just fun fun childhood times that's why i needed sleep i want to be ready with the tube with the sunshine and uh yeah so he goes uh i just came to the hotel out of instinct and oh he called the front desk because he's like this guy's not answering his phone can you call his room like what room that room he checked out wait a minute does he have curly hair and a bad act yeah and that was me just sitting in the lobby and he came to you so he came to the hotel and he said he dragged me around and like went we went to the

bodega down the street and my feet were dragging and he's like oh he bought me a lemonade a water you know just trying to get some fluids in me i'm out the whole time we get at norman's yes he's doing your act so when did it come out that he gave you fentanyl well so then i wouldn't wake up we had two shows that night sold out in san antonio and he's like you got to get up and he called my girlfriend he called my agent and he's like i don't know what to do like we got to cancel these shows this guy won't wake up and so he had a bright idea and he goes i've seen people do this i'm getting the iv lady the iv lady shows up in the hotel gives us both ivs i filmed the whole thing i was wrecked out of my mind i'll show you the video i'm a mess i'm on another planet he put you there who knows a different opener, that was the host

This is the open. Okay, how the whole the feature so he's helping me. He's a guy I know the host I didn't know okay, and I get the IVs and I kind of start coming back to life and we go To the show and I did him Put what would the host were there the next night? Did you say something? No, I said what the hell is that? He goes. Oh, that's the good stuff what the hell is that? He goes, oh,

that's the good stuff. No. Yeah, we're cool. Mark, you idiot. Oh, that is. I already scolded him

for an entire episode for this. That could have had a different ending. Oh, yeah. We love you here, you know,

and we might be drunk. We love you, and we want you to be around for a long, long time. Well, the worst part is that guy hosted

for Bob Saget. Oh, please. We got to the bottom of it. I had to get out of it. But what is human being with half a brain when someone says, can I get a Xanax, just hauls off and gives you the hardest drug? He's risking your life. Yeah.

What human being asks a complete stranger for a drug? You're right. You know what? You're right. The trouble started here. But it's a legal drug. It's a prescription drug. But it's not a drug.

I'm not asking for coke or heroin. Yeah, but it's a prescription drug. Touche. Not a dude it's a prescription drug. Touche. Not a dude who's got 10 minutes in fucking San Antonio. Yeah, he had a... Yeah. But wait a minute. I'm not even sure it was fentanyl in my defense.

Oh, so you didn't speak to him about what it was. Nah. So you just left it a mystery. Yeah. He said that's the good stuff, and you stopped your questioning right there. I think I said, was there fentanyl in that? He goes, I don't think so, but I can get that if you want it. So this guy was the real deal.

That's what Nino Brown used to tell people. That's the good stuff. My goodness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's kind of horrifying. It was scary. Have you asked for a pill, an erroneous pill since then? You learned your lesson.

Yeah. All right. I mean, you drink and you smoke weed, and that's it? Yeah, that's it. Yeah. I recently did shrooms for the first time in my life. Yeah. All right. I mean, you drink and you smoke weed, and that's it? Yeah, that's it. Yeah. I recently did shrooms for the first time in my life. Let's hear it. I've done it twice in my life only.

It's the best. I know you do it all the time. I love shrooms. I've heard your stories, and they're amazing stories. That I've gotten from fans also. You know, before I got too old, I just was like, I've got to try this before I get to And I did, and the first time I did it, wow. I'm not condoning it. Don't do it. I'm not telling anyone to do it but it was fun i'm

condoning do it yeah it's great it was fun i i think i got old friends what's that with friends i was with friends good you gotta be and uh and i had just a perfect experience it didn't go too far but it went i i didn't see i didn't hallucinate or anything, but I saw it was almost like everything was moving and everything comes alive. Yeah. And I know I'm on it, so I wasn't scared. I didn't go down any weird holes or anything like that. That's a myth.

And it was fun the entire night. I got a little allergic reaction to the mushrooms. Okay. I got a little flush, which I never had before. But I fought through that. And it was really fun. I always hear you talking about the throw-up phase. I was worried about that, but it didn't happen.

I tried to recreate it a few months later, and I was told by Ari that you don't want to do it too close to each other, because it won't take. By the way, I love that Ari is also the drug whisperer. He roofied Bert. Sure. By the way, I love that Ari is also like the drug whisperer. He's the shaman. He roofied Bert. What makes him the—this is the responsible— But he does have a website about mushrooms, about how to do them.

Yes, exactly. He is weirdly the one who's the one who's like, just do mushrooms with me and it'll be okay. Yeah. And I do kind of trust him. Yeah, he's the guy to do it with. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Well, he just knows so much about it. He can give you the right kind. He can talk you down. If you have weird thoughts, he's an expert. Okay. He wasn't there the first time, and I laid all the mushrooms out on a paper towel, and I took a picture, and I sent it to him, and I said, tell me how much of this to do. Uh-huh.

And he told me. Then the next time, he was with me, and we grinded it in like a coffee grinder into a fine dust and put it in our iced tea. Ooh. It was a whole bunch of people. And no way near the first time. That scares the shit out of me that you can do that. Didn't even, nothing moved, nothing hallucinated. Interesting. it was a dud i hate a dud because you're looking for it

though is that it am i true but not now and you got a bill you're like all right we're doing this like people came over my place it was a whole thing like this is gonna be all night we're gonna have this experience together and then it was a dud damn did you ever do that in high school you ever take like an edible like a and it hits you when you're in a class and you're like fuck whoa i never did at school yeah no never in my life i didn't really smoke until 2018 wow yeah i hate it now then i as a kid i liked it i hate it now i'm like now it doesn't do anything for you it does it does stuff too much but it's bad stuff just yeah but you gotta you gotta just take the right puff with

the right amount and it could kind of just kind of i've tried a million different puffs it's not working for me it takes the edge off sometimes i write on it you know oh i could never yeah i know some people do that but i'm not one of them no i'm with you though like i take it to sleep and it helps but if i don't fall asleep then the bad shit thc or you do a little bit of thc like five milligrams of a gummy i'll just you know just a nibble. And if it works, I go to bed. If I don't go to bed, bad time. All bets are off? Yeah. You're just running around.

Bad stuff, bad memories. You suck. You're going to fail. And what are you doing? Are you sitting there, sitting in a seat, just not moving, just thinking about it? Are you trying to do something? You're throwing on a movie. You're listening to music.

Well, the movie will trigger. It'll be like, oh, this thing happened in the movie. I'm like, oh, yeah, remember that? What about that? Oh, yeah. And then now we're in a wormhole of hell all right yeah if i if death if death i start thinking about death then that's all i'm gonna think about yeah i feel like that's bad i'm in therapy for death for death yeah you think about death a lot yeah really my whole life it's bad here's my thing it's a bad way to live covid did not help yeah not even me i'm my loved ones and all that stuff live. COVID did not help. Yeah. Not even me. My loved ones and all that stuff, and it just did not help.

I had to like. But here's the thing with death. I get it. It's inevitable, though. So you might as well accept it. But are you scared of getting hit by a bus kind of death? No. You're scared of the big sleep at the end?

The moment. When is it going to be? Oh, come on. Like, I'm going to leave this earth. I'll leave my loved ones. I'm more scared. You got 50 years. To be truthful.

It's more about my parents. But they're going gonna die before you yeah they are amazing good point good point yeah you told me like i didn't assume i thought you meant you were gonna leave them oh no i got you okay yeah no and then god forbid like a tragic death oh like someone before their time type of thing. It's all the same caboose. I start thinking of it. Everything's packed into the same luggage, and I'm unpacking it, and I just, it's, I talk about it weekly.

How often do you go to therapy? Weekly. Weekly. No, I did for a while, I did, and then I stopped, and I did again about three years ago. I started going again i would go actually right by uh right on six right by the celery i know you guys all share the same guy i went to a woman uh helped me so much i did emdr have you done this i've heard of this neil brennan did it it's he did and he did it by recommendation of the person who told me to do it

oh okay and it it actually worked tell the people at home what that is. It's basic. Did I look over there? I'm doing an audience. I picture an audience. It's a form of therapy where you disassociate trauma from triggering in your mind. Right.

And you do that oddly, but a number of things can do it. Like you go through this therapy, and they make you think of things, and then there's multiple ways. One, I held these two things in my hands that would alternately vibrate, and there's a pattern to it. And so you think of this, you close your eyes, and it vibrates, and it's doing something.

It's attaching you. Really? Some people do it with following, like your eyes follow something. There's different ways to do it. Yeah. But someone sang its praises. I went. I had some issues that I needed to clear up, and it did it.

I couldn't believe it. What? Wow. So now I'm going to start. I haven't been doing EMDR for the death yet, but I'm going to start that now. Whoa. Yeah. Damn.

So you think it's some childhood trauma that- Some trauma in there, yeah. Although it's an understandable fear. I mean, it is, as Mark said, it's an inevitable fear. So I get that. Yeah. I mean, it's not like a fear that a therapist could be like, no, you have nothing to worry about.

A therapist is like, yeah, you're going to die. But that's why I don't fear it because I'm like, it's coming anyway, why worry about it? I remember my friend, he was a drug addict and he got put in jail and he kept calling us from jail and I kept being like, are you nervous about getting beat up or the shower rape? Are you freaking out? And he's like, I'll worry about that when it happens.

Now I just want to get out. And I was like, oh, I'd be worried. They put his hands on two things. They were different though. Still shaking though. Yeah, no, if I was in jail, forget it. I wouldn't think about it. Again, it's more my parents.

It's more that kind of thing. Got it, got it. Yeah, that is scary. But again, it's also crazy. That's happened to every single human being. Yeah, I know. And I say that to myself. But I think it's also crazy. That's happened to every single human being. Yeah, I know. And I say that to myself. But I think it's like before and after.

How old are you? 38. Okay. So I'm 45. I really, really went into overdrive in the last few years, and especially with COVID. But for the first time in my life right now, I actually feel a little old, and I never did before. Oh, really? You got a full head of hair. Yeah, really? You got a full head of hair.

Yeah, yeah. You're a great head of hair. Yeah, but I just feel removed from a little bit like removed from the shit that's going on today. I don't like it. I don't like the music. I don't like the style. I don't like this. I don't like fucking social media.

I don't like the digital age. I don't like TikTok. I don't like any of that stuff. But then you sit there and go, is that me being out of because socrates said this i know it's i mean it's completely reciprocal and cyclical and all that stuff whatever it is and i and i know that too and i'm like well here it is here it is it actually ends up you hear about it you see it you hear people older people talk to you about it you you just don't feel it you acknowledge it you don't feel it i've recently started to feel it and it was like fucking holy shit yeah i guess that's what they call a midlife crisis i don't know oh

yeah i don't know it just happens and also i started to see the age on my parents a little bit right i haven't so everything now is becoming a little bit like what's that the pandemic did that because we all saw our folks a little less yeah so yeah it did that and i think we all got worn down a little bit by it sure sure and so i don't know i just started feeling it and i never felt that feeling before i'm like oh this is what that feels like it's not good it's like it's coming for you well yeah it is it is never ending you know you know you we used to get hung over i'd lose a day hung over when you're in your 20s you're like ah man i spent the whole day laying on the ground puking now i'm like i lost a day

every day is precious what am i doing life is gonna end you I'm like, I lost a day. Every day is precious. What am I doing? Life is going to end. You can't waste a day being hung over. Now if you're hung over for a day, you're lucky. It doesn't leak into another day.

You're so busy. I mean, you're one of the most, I mean, that's probably why you feel it, dude. You're probably exhausted. You do two podcasts.

You got your TV show, Impractical Jokers. Great show, by the way. Touring. We love it. But on top of that, we're asking you to do us a favor

and come on the podcast. I'm asking you to do us a favor and come on the podcast so i love this is i i'm so happy to be on this by the way come on i love you both and i i like this i haven't been able to do these lately and i was like let me because you but you must be exhausted don't you think that's a big part of it i am i look in the mirror and i look fucking exhausted every time i see someone they go oh you look you look fucking tired what are you doing so like so if it's just it's emanating from me like people just say it to me now right and i do i feel fucking tired and i and i make sure that i don't get drunk for that reason nowadays it costs too much it does and i and i and i get eight hours seven men but i get my eight hours still tired whoa it's mental it's

all mentally i do need to be in better shape and and I'm going to start working on that. That'll help, too. Let me just say this in defense of the old man thing. I'm 38, and I'm pushing 40. I think about that, too. I hate social media. I hate the cancel. I hate all the bullshit. And then everybody goes, oh, every adult says this. This is classic, standard bullshit.

But you have to give us the fact that we've escalated tenfold compared to what other generations had with technology the phone the internet exponentially right exponentially so it's always whenever whenever right now is always the most rapid it's going yes so our whole lives it's only built right end over end you're right we've we've gone i i long for the old days did i sound like a peace and quiet? Do I sound like an old man? No, I'm with the 90s. Simpler shit, dude. You're 20 years from Cleese. I'll take call waiting and an answer machine.

That's it. Yeah, that was the best. You know what I mean? I still want to go. You could avoid people. What's that? You could avoid people. You could avoid people.

Someone texts you now and you don't answer, they know you saw it. What's going on? Yeah. It's this thing. You're on the hook for everything. You know what I'm saying? As we're talking about technology, Mark's dumb phone watch goes off. I also don't like all the information all the time.

It's bad for him. I can't take it. Anxiety is up. Depression is up. Suicide is up. It ain't good. And I think we're going to look back on this in 20 years and go, that was the wild, wild west. What was happening with the internet.

It's like Ronnie Chang's joke. You were on Twitter while you were on twitter while you were pregnant it's such a great joke and it rings true it's true to that you used to get the news the next morning in the paper yeah and then i read it quietly read it yeah it is it is bad i realize how much i'm looking at my phone i'm like oh this is so addictive wait it is that rush where you press like the loading loading loading nothing come on yeah we want story we want buzz and we should just stand the the stoplight turned green we'd walk then it turned red we'd stand there now you're like i got a minute you know i got 30 seconds i'll check this i'll check that it's you ever like put your phone away or something and then like and then see how you react like yes keep going for it keep going for it and you're like oh shit like you know what i mean

you would miss a toe less if you if you lost a toe you'd be like a hundred percent you wouldn't do that for your toe you might feel around for a second yeah your phone it's that's a part of you yeah oh yeah also there's no more conversation you just look up the answer i would try to do that like people are always like that might happen at dinner I think. Well people be like oh like who is there and everyone's like just picks their phones up like wait wait wait put it down. Yeah. Let's get it. Let's try to get it. And so we don't do we don't do that exercise with our brains anymore either. I know I know. Dumb and down babe we're dumb and down. We're way dumb and down. Just think like I moved to New York. I'm just a I really funny, fun-loving guest, aren't I? That was great.

This is great stuff. It's all over. I moved here in 07. There was no GPS on your phone. Right. So I had to learn the trains. I'd go to Queens on accident. I'd go to Brooklyn on accident.

And it makes your brain go, wait, where am I? I got to figure this out. You ask a guy, am I on the right train? Now I'm interacting with humans. That's all over. I don't get in a car now without I on the right train? Now I'm interacting with humans. That's all over. I don't get in a car now without putting on my GPS 100% of the time, even when I know where I'm going,

because I want to know if there was an accident and I should reroute. There you go. So I put it on every single time if I'm driving 10 minutes, I put it on. It's a lot of information. This is what it feels like in life now. You know when you go to a diner and it's like, here's the specials. We got eggs eggs granola bacon and uh pancakes now a diner menu is 38 pages long and you got all these options and it's too much cheesecake factory it's the cheesecake factory it's too much none of the options are that good

there's a lot of options but there's a lot of options that's what life is netflix it's you don't know what the fuck to do there's's two good shows. There's 500,000 choices. Exactly. There was seven stations. Everyone knew every show. We all got to talk about it. Remember, what about remembering phone numbers? I still remember a couple of childhood numbers.

You would call and you would... But you remembered who was important and you'd get up to a certain limit and you'd remember it. That's over. We just lost our youth listenership on this podcast. Fucking okay, boom. I hate boomer, too. I hate boomer, yeah. Bo over. We just lost our youth listenership on this podcast. Fucking okay, boomer. Which I hate boomer, too.

I hate boomer, yeah. Boomer. We hate everything young. We're just cliches right now. Hey, Gen Z, though, you would have a better life if you grew up without a phone. I swear to God, I know that's a bold statement, but I'm so glad I grew up without a phone. I got a pee for you right now. Uh-oh.

Just generic sayings that are regurgitated. Okay, Boomer. Let's go, Brandon. Let's go, Brandon, people. You're just Trump is orange, but from the other side. Just be original or don't speak. Why are you speaking if it's what? Easy, Karen.

That's another one. There's a million of them. Karen is like, I'm really annoyed because I did Karen as a name in a joke in a special like two years ago. And now people think I'm reaching for the Karen. I'm like, no, it was just the name I used. I bet there was a good name. It was in Goodfellas. Come on, Karen.

Fucked up in the head, Karen. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The regurgitating is big. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Lucy. Look, we're all adults here, and I know some of us choose to use nicotine to relax, focus, or just unwind after a long day. Lucy is a modern oral nicotine company that makes nicotine gum, lozenges, and pouches for adults who are looking for the best, most responsible way to consume their nicotine.

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been amazing, too. It's great. It's great. It's true. I get concert tickets with a couple of clicks. I used to have to wait in line with a wristband. Porn. I get it. Porn. Porn. Forget it. I used to have to go on to BQE, underneath the BQE at literally at one in the morning and walk in and be like, hello'm of age can i get to

the back that was the original grinder it was the i hit the porn lottery uh pre-digital age okay my boss that i worked for at the pizzeria he was getting married and he was the guy who held all of his friends porn oh so it was in a grande mozzarella cheese box. This is like 40 year old virgin. This is a box. Yeah, the box. Yeah. It glows like Pulp Fiction. VHS tapes.

I'm going to call it, I'll call it 40 tapes in there. Wow. 40 tapes. 40 tapes. We used to put VHS tapes in Jerk Off. Oh yeah. Yeah. Old school.

You could see the wear and tear on the film. And then you had to like actually wait for the reverse photo to rewind. Yeah. And he told me one day, I'm getting married. I got to get rid of this thing. I can't be the holder of it. Come to my house. I didn't know what I was walking into. He hands me a box of 40 tapes.

Can you believe that? I had that thing for years and years. I was the guy. I became the guy for my friends. Right? That's a good man. Yeah. And I remember the day I had to get rid of it.

Ah. Yeah. But we had passed it uh technology like we passed it but it's crazy there's 40 tapes now you're just like click back click back back then you have to just manually be like oh yeah what am i in the mood for yes now if there's not a thumbnail mike what am i even doing right right you had to earn these eighth graders today they don't know how good they have but it's bad though because like you all we all know i used to do a bit about how like you i used to jerk off to jennifer love he would smile

and now it's like you know it's harder but like but that you know these days it's so wholesome it's so but it's touching well it's like when you're young you do that shit of course but then you get older and and now it's this the pace is just so much more rapid for these young kids like oh you're opening with choke porn oh yeah, yeah. You're opening with anal. I know, and that informs them. And then that's what they're doing. It's wild. Sex today is not sex.

Women got fucked the most, no pun intended, but it was like back in the day, you had to charm a woman, date a woman. On the third date, you might not get laid. Now it's like, hey, lady, I can go on Tinder and knock this out. And I don't know if that's good for relationships. I like a lady who puts out.

Don't get me wrong. But if they hold out, it's a different kind of world. Expectation seems immediate now. There it is. That's the best way to say it. Do you know Dan Mintz? He's hilarious. He's a great joke.

I don't know him, but I know he's funny. I don't know him either, but he has some of my favorite jokes. He has a joke. You guys, it's exactly the kids today. They don't know how good but I know he's funny. I don't know him either, but he has some of my favorite jokes. He has a joke. You guys, it's exactly the kids today. They don't know how good they have it. With porn when I was young, I had to go to the Sears catalog and flip through until I found something. Nowadays, kids, you just go online.

You go to Sears.com. That's a great joke. That's great. Man, he's had some smart stuff. Great Mr. X. He's now on Bob's Burgers. Give Dan Mintz a goog. Gosh. Damn. dan yeah damn yeah no it is it's gotten harder i mean i mean i mean you want to pace yourself i hopefully you live a long time if you if you burn out and die at 32 go for it yeah but otherwise

you're gonna be 87 like what the fuck are kids gonna be into i know and you can't even blame them because if it's right there you're gonna going to do it. But here's my theory. Your parents leave out Dunkaroos in the cabinet. Exactly. You're eating Dunkaroos. You're going to dunk. I know fish is better. If you give me fentanyl, I'm going to take it.

But this is my theory. It's a generational thing. Look, you got disco, then it goes to hair metal, then it goes to grunge. It's got to keep changing. Yeah. I think maybe not this generation, but the next one is going to be we're all phones. Our parents use phones. Our parents use social media.

They use the internet. We're almost Amish-y because it's a pushback. You got to go the other way, maybe. No. I've never seen it. That's what I'm saying. Well, you never saw a trans person either before. You know, so. That was the only place you used to see trans it. That's what I'm saying. Well, you never saw a trans person either before. Sure.

You know, so. That was the only place you used to see trans people. That's true. As in the porn. That's a good point. I will tell you, I don't see people, because they're only going to get, it's only going to get more and more, more and more access, more and more convenience, more and more. I don't know.

How can it be more convenient? Oh, it'll get more convenient. How though? Here's how. It's going to get this crazy where, you know, right now we go. Minority report. They're just going to be like. How old is Robert De Niro?

Two seconds. Boom. But in the future, it's going to be, where are my shoes? Behind the head. And how old is Robert De Niro? Yeah. I'm just saying, it's going to get real personal. That's my theory.

Yeah. I don't know. I could be crazy and gay but either way i got i got one more one more mince just popped into my head a good mince oh dan mince jokes this is one way it's uh i'm gonna fuck it up but he says uh you know the other day me and my wife's anniversary 10 year anniversary and uh she looks just like i told her she just looks just like the day i met her i met her at a halloween party she went as a disgusting old woman oh man he had a joke about the the sleeper you know when you sit on your hand yeah but i can't remember how it went oh it's genius those are two of my faves

pull it up if you can't bet it was the everybody had a not everybody but a lot of people had a sleeper joke where you jerk off with your hand because it's numb so it feels like someone else they call it the sleeper but But his was the best one. But I'm putting this guy, giving him homework here. Sorry, Peters. But yeah, Dan Man's underrated. Great jokes. Two of my faves.

Now, if you want this, I'll give you one more fave, a Dom Herrera joke. Oh, hey, I love Dom Herrera. He goes, I'm going to mess the joke up, but he's like, you ever see when people find out someone's gay, they act like they died? They're like, get out of here. He's gay?

I was just with him. Geraldo had that great joke because he looks so Caucasian, I guess, but he's Colombian. He's like straight Colombian. And whenever they found out he was Hispanic, they would always react in a weird way like, you're Hispanic? You look good. I literally have that joke in my act where I used to bartend

Sal, Staten Island, everyone figures I'm Italian. Uh-huh. Literally, this happened to me. A guy at my bar was like, Sal, you're Italian, right? I said, half.

And he goes, what's the other half? And I said, Puerto Rican and Cuban. He goes, oh, that's okay. That's okay. That's okay.

I was like, I thought it was until this moment. That's hilarious. Don Marrero's got another one I love. I know we're just rattling off bits. Please. I love a bit about how comedians will say, true story, after a bit.

He goes, who cares? Tell it's funny. Make it funny. Like anyone's leaving the show. That Dom Herrera stunk, but boy, did he have integrity. I love that joke. Well, you mentioned the news earlier. It made me think of that old Attell joke.

Back when Attell was clean, by the way. And he had that joke where he's like, you know, the mafia runs this town. They should do the news. You know, hey, Bob Johnson's going to die tomorrow. And the tag was, the winning lottery numbers are. Yeah, yeah. I remember that bit. Salvatore wins again.

Brilliant shit. Jokes, man brilliant shit jokes man love jokes love jokes too bad those went away all right any uh any peas from either of you oh i got tons of peas give me a peeve i have i already have a like traffic sweat the common cold strong wind bugs cats pointy objects you're very built and litter, and littering. You're very scared of colds. You're the guy who told me years ago, apple cider vinegar shots. Yeah. Every day? Yeah, it'll change your life. Come on.

Yeah, it's appetite suppressant. It's a cure-all. Google it. Cure-all. Swear to God. My dad takes a shot of it every day for like 40 years. I mean, if I get AIDS, I'm taking apple cider, I'm good? Yeah.

I swear. It's a cure-all. There might be something there. All right. All right. It promotes good gut there. All right. All right. It promotes good gut health. Gut health is very important. There's a hundred things it does.

Fermented foods are apparently very good for your brain. Hey, this is fermented. Not great for the brain. But I mean, apparently kimchi is very good for the brain. That's gross. Did you see they went after Aquafina? What happened? Oh oh being black yeah yeah yeah i'm telling you everybody if you want to chop somebody now we're all in the chop i just

think it's like you get that famous you're on the cutting board yeah you know like you're just that's another thing that got ruined fame was great sinatra was hitting people with a fucking his kid got kidnapped kid got kidnapped it was fine he's back at the uh the arena singing in my life you know or that's life your kid gets kidnapped yeah frank sancho jr pull it up yeah and what was what happened they got him back but it was a ransom a ransom that's it no And they paid it? Yeah. I mean, the guy didn't get arrested. It was all on the up and up. No, they got the guy.

They got the guy. I think there were two of them, yeah. How old was he? I think Frank or Junior. Was he like 30 years old? No, he was 19. 19, yeah. Wow.

Out of his hotel room in Lake Tahoe at gunpoint. They threw him in the trunk like old school. For $240,000? By the way, they probably could have been like it's sinatra's kid we can do a little better what year was that 63 can we do a 240 000 for inflation it's probably at least a mil now it's got to be right a million was a lot of money i mean this is 1963 that's over that's cash in a duffel isn't it he's not wiring that no that's that's all cash he's got to break open the sheetrock for that yeah whoa whoa two mil

oh it's two million that's a hefty 2.2 mil okay i was way off so wow so it's damn god damn it wow inflation is no joke so it's uh i guess that is 60 years ago damn and he paid it yeah of course he paid that out of his pocket. And then they got him. I remember reading the book. I forgot what happened. It was weird. There was a weird motive there. It was more than just money.

People don't do that anymore, right? Nah. People don't send ransom notes or ask for a duffel of money or anything like that? No. Isn't that what the people who kidnapped or who shot Lady Gaga's dog walker were trying to do? They were trying to do that, yeah. I have no idea what you're talking about. Oh, see, this is why you're feeling good. They shot Lady Gaga's dog walker were trying to do? They were trying to do that, yeah. I have no idea what you're talking about. Oh, see, this is why you're feeling good.

Somebody shot Lady Gaga's dog walker? They snagged him. Her dog walker? Yeah, she has two very high-end kind of she-she dogs that are worth a ton of money, purebred, whatever. Oh, she snagged a dog. They dog-napped. Oh, I thought you said the dog walker.

No, no, he was the victim of the impeding. She snagged Lady Gaga's dog walker? Yeah. For ransom? Purebred. When, when, when? This was about a year the impeding. He got his dog's gun stolen? Yeah. For ransom? He's a purebred. When? When? When?

This was about a year ago. Yeah. Really? I missed it? Oh, did they shoot him? Yeah, they shot him, dude. Did he die? I think he survived, but he's not well.

Whoa. I think it's like a bad. I mean, he got shot a few times. Damn. He's the 50 cent of dog walkers. Yeah. Did she take care of the guy? Did we know how she? Yeah, she did. She did. She really gave him a lot of money. I would hope. Yeah. Did she take care of the guy? Did we know how she... Yeah, she did.

She did. She really gave him a lot of money. I would hope. Yeah. Oh, there he is. He's revealing the gunshot wounds. Oh, my God. Oh, he's kind of shredded.

Not bad. He seems fine. Seems all right. You come out of that okay. Are you like, actually, I'm glad it happened. I don't know, dude. He might have some nerve damage or something. You never know what happened.

They got it on video? Oh, my God. See, this is why you can't kidnap. Oh, my God. It's all taped now. Are you... Is this... Oh, that's good.

Look, I'm not going to lie. If I had to kidnap a dog... Pretty cute. I mean, why did they shoot him? Did he fight back? I would have been like, take the fucking thing. I don't know. I think he fought back a little bit, yeah.

Take the thing. Got to be careful. Someone's got a gun. Do not fight back. That's good advice. That little bit. Take the thing. Got to be careful. Someone's got a gun. Do not fight back. That's good advice. That's my wreck of the week. Don't fight back. If you were in a bad way, a bad way, do you think you could turn, not to a life of crime,

but do you think your circumstances are pure? You don't intend to hurt anybody. Yeah. But do you think you could do something like that? I couldn't shoot somebody. But you don't know where your next meal is coming from. You've got a family. Oh, he's got you there.

And look, we're not women. We can't do OnlyFans. You're lucky, ladies. That's a privilege. I tried OnlyFans. I lost money. The teacher really seems to care. Tweet it.

Tweet it. You know, do you say, you know what? I know. I got a tip, a hot tip. That's Lady Gaga's French Bulldog. I don't want to hurt him at all. I'm going to swipe him. Do you go there?

I don't think I have the Constitution for it. Oh, no way. But I'd like to think I could be a likable con, but I don't think I have it in me. That would be cool. What do you think? Like a matchstick man. Yeah.

Cool guy. Con man. Danny Ocean. We all would like to be Clooney or Brad Pitt or whatever in that movie. Of course. Isn't every con movie the con gets conned and then there's another con and there's like five cons and they're like, everybody slow down. This isn't how it goes. Like everyone's con and they're ahead of the con.

Yeah, con. And then they're ahead. That's a Star Trek joke. And then they're ahead of the con con, the second con. Well, have you seen the Tinder swindler? Step ahead. No. It's all con.

What do you mean? This hot Jewish guy from Israel is conning all these hot blondes. How? He's whining and dining them. He's loaded, but he's not actually loaded. He's using money from other ladies. So he's getting laid. He's fucking all these blondes.

And then he's going off on jets in uh lake como and all this shit but how is he doing this yeah because he goes uh hey uh lady i've been fucking for six weeks uh i'm a rich guy but i'm in the the diamond business and we're getting under attack right now by the whatever hamas can you can you they froze all my cards can you give me like 20 grand and then he does that to like six women i mean now he's up to you know 500 grand whatever the hell it is joe millionaire the show on steroids what's that i don't know that you don't know joe millionaires where they say he's a rich guy but he's not really rich no he's not no that's the whole hook of the show so he shows up and he's like you know on a yacht or comes buying a horse or something but he's a construction worker so

when they fall for someone at the end he tells them guess what i love you you fell for me but i'm broke yeah and then they stay on which is so fucked up um obviously but then now that we did it and now one of them is rich and the other ones i've never i i saw like one episode of the original but i mean it's well the beauty of the uh the tindler swindler tinder swindler is all these people are like well ladies if you weren't so greedy't so greedy, da-da-da-da-da, which, you know, it's fucked up because he still stole from them. But, like, it's kind of fun because these hot ladies have been using their looks. He's using his fake money to get ladies. It's kind of fun. Well, what's the difference between a lady that uses her moxie or whatever it is to get to.

Vagina. Yeah. That's one way to put it. She's a hustler. Yeah. She's hustling. But that's biology. I don't know if I have empathy for those women.

You're six weeks in on a Tinder date and you're giving someone $20,000 who owns a diamond. I mean, it's like you got to pay attention. You have messed up motives, right? You're doing this in the hopes that you're getting money back. He must be a really good lover. I wonder if he's got a great personality he does and he most con men do and

they show the text you're like this guy's fucking smooth and he's on a private jet going i miss you baby and then he hangs up the phone he picks up another phone i miss you baby and it's like 20 different women it's pretty wild i know there's a lot of jail i know there's a lot of anti-semitism in the world because i heard that i was like why does he have to be a fucking Jew? Yeah, and he's all in. He's diamond. He's Israel. I mean, he looks like a complete douche. Well, the ladies like a douche.

They'll deny it. Look at those glasses, though. Look at these women he's pulling. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Wow. And these ladies are like, wow, I want to go on the trip. Wait, they're on Tinder?

I got to get on this thing. Good point. I have never been on a dating app maybe it was Raya I wanna see his profile cause I wanna know how ostentatious was he cause if he's putting out

some pretty materialistic photos then I do judge them a little bit for swiping of course they're all in the Bentley with the diamond Rolex flip it and reverse it you meet that woman

you're dating her she's fucking your brains out yeah yeah i wouldn't buy it i did it for three months she's a dream woman yeah three months you're you're you're head over heels yeah she asked you for money are you gonna cut a check no i don't think i would either but dumb guys will i mean they've been this has been i used to watch jenny jones or ricky lake and they, yeah, I take men's money, and it was some hot blonde. And everybody's like, yeah, he gave me a Bentley. What are you going to do?

I'm hot. And so this has been happening since the dawn of time. But now I think dudes are figuring out how to do it. Wow. Not saying it's right. Again, for the record, just saying. And this is pictures of him with all different women. Yeah.

So is he in jail? He got caught stealing money? I think he's in jail now we see can we see his profile pics matt i want to see you can't find it i guarantee you his tinder profile has been screen capped and put up online it's got it oh yeah i forgot his name now it was live is that him in cuffs right is that him in cuffs in the blue looks like it he looks good in cuffs though the the sunglasses oh he's all sunglass he's he's a lens crafter it does look like justin silver a little bit yeah but see he's got the designer the armani shirts and everything uh what's fucked up is this feels this is how morally bankrupt the

we're talking about these awful shows but couldn't you just picture this being a show on netflix where you're like the tinder swindler i know he takes your money and then they're like all right we're giving you the money back i I think you want better. Pitch that shit. Yeah. Pitch it? Yeah, pitch it. The thief? Hell, look at West Elm Caleb. You guys heard that story. What's that? Oh! This is a guy

This is a guy in New York City who's banging all these cougars and he works at West Elm and... West Elm Caleb! And he keeps... I was wondering if it had to do with the furniture. So when you said it, you've got to be shitting me. This is real. West Elm, Caleb.

He's this hot 25-year-old guy. He works at West Elm. So these women come in to buy shit, these single divorcees. And he's fucking all of them. And then they found out that he was fucking all of them. And they're all pissed. Oh, my God. Is he giving them a deal at West Elm?

No, no, no. Maybe a deal. Hey, you want this end table? You got to blow me. West Elm Caleb is the funniest moniker I've ever heard. I know, I know. You may know me. Look, I want to get this out of the way right now.

I had a past. You got to beat Pier 1 Billy. You ever hear of West Elm Caleb? Yeah, he's big. Designer at West Elm. Maybe he's a designer. Caleb, how many discounts on ottomans do you need this month? Yeah, he's got good – he definitely does – what do you call when you do the eyebrows?

Ooh, waxing? No, they do the threading. You ever do that? I heard it hurts. I know. Don't act like you were looking at mark and not me for that one It's yarning I'm terrified to do it that I see people were big Jake does it

Chain wall either I'm pretty sure cuz I see him sometimes and they are They're miraculous. They're beautiful. You're nice. Freed might do something like that. Mine are untouched. I can see that. Mine are untouched and I think they're balding now. They're very light. I don't have the dark brow.

They're a little thin. I don't have the dark brow I used to. Well, if you're going to go bald, that's the place to do it. Yeah. Yeah. My legs are bald. Really? Yeah.

Really? My dad has all of his hair. He's 76. He didn't go gray until his very, very, very late 60s. Legs are bald. Huh. I think I'm in the same scenario. That's crazy.

I'm telling you right now, I don't have a hair on my leg. We're going gray now. Oh, yeah. Need an ankle, not a hair on my leg. Really? Is that new? It was over time, but right now. People are like, what are you, a swimmer?

And I'm like, did you look above the knees? Because I'm not a swimmer, that's for sure. That is strange. Yeah, but I'd rather go bold on the legs. Yeah, of course. You know? Interesting. You were saying what about your eyebrows?

Oh, I just feel like if I were to do it, it worries me when you put too much work into that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like it would look like it's like a weird, it's like very Jersey Shore or something. Sure, sure. Oh, yeah, you don't want a manicure like that. No, it's weird. You're gruff yeah gruff is good you're worthy yeah yeah worthy yeah just call me you have a a baseful voice

thank you you have some height on you you're tall dark and handsome i'm weak yes you are tall dark and handsome yeah hey so we we might be drunk are we getting what are we getting i'm already done i need another one but we got another show after this just saying oh oh shit okay who's coming on next burke kreischer so we'd be dead if he comes we got a block a week off i gotta say i do watch all your podcast derosa's been on the podcast before okay i love your podcast with derosa it's the one with chris are hilarious too but the derosa one gets so taste buds, it's called. It gets so heated. You get so heated.

So I was watching a bunch before you came in here today, and I just wrote down some of your takes. You're a Skittles guy. Well, Skittles went up against who? He went at Sour Patch Kids, right? You like Skittles better? Over Sour Patch? I don't do sour.

Are you Skittles, too? Yeah, Sour Patch. I told him, why do I have to get through a candy? He went nachos over sushi. I wrote down. That's crazy. That's the Staten Island in you right there. Yeah, I can't go.

Because I can make nachos at home. I can't do that with sushi. If I had to not eat one for the rest of my life, I don't know. But nachos is a wild card. I don't know what I'm getting every time I order it. That's true. But same with sushi. Same with sushi. Sushi is the most organized food on the planet. No card. I don't know what I'm getting every time I order it. That's true, but same with sushi. Same with sushi.

Sushi is the most organized food on the planet. No, but if you go to a bad place, you're in trouble. What are you, one of the Buc-ee's? Where are you getting sushi here? I'll tell you, I won't walk into a sushi place unless I Yelp it or Google it first. That's fair. These are like episode six. We were more passionate.

We are passionate now, but there was like the first like 30 or 40 we needed to try. I'm like, you like this? He's like, I hate that. I hate that. And then we would fight. It's not hard to fight him. You know, he fights immediately. Yeah, he does.

Yeah. What's the most heated argument? Oh, man. Cookies versus cake. Cookies versus something. I remember I got purple screaming at him. The first thing, it started, we were on vacation, and he told me a cinnamon raisin bagel was better than everything.

That's insane. And we were fighting for three days. And then I said, this could be a podcast. This is your vacation? Yeah, I'm fighting for three days. That's so funny. We got drunk one night. I don't know what we were doing.

It was some crazy night. You and I? Yeah, me and you got hammered, and we were at the stand underground. It was all closed up. And you're shit-faced breathing all over me going i got two pods ideas and i was like oh yeah yeah you know everybody says that and he's like well i went to rosa i'm like he's still doing it we talk about food i'm like oh yeah

great we're both blacked out like leaning on each other and you're like the other one's called hey babe i'm like oh hey, that'll be great. And it was great. But I remember you telling me these two years ago, three years ago. And they came to fruition. They were a long time coming. Then the pandemic hit, and I was like, no better time. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, the fights with food are great, man.

We wanted to do something that was mindless, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Well, the country's fighting about everything. At least now they're fighting about something silly. Yeah, we wanted to apply the passion to nothing. Yeah. That? Yeah. Yeah. Well, the country's fighting about everything. Yes. At least now they're fighting about something silly. Yeah, we wanted to apply the passion to nothing. Yeah. That's brilliant.

Yeah. I love it. Sour Patch, come on. What's a controversial food opinion you have? Controversial? Yeah. You got one? I don't know.

Is there something we hate that everybody loves? I don't know. I'm trying to, is there anything you love that everyone hates or something you hate that everyone loves? I gotta, I mean, at this point, we've done like seven.

I got mine. What do you got? I think it's overrated. Everybody's like, this changes everything. Bacon. It's fine. Bacon's fine. Oh, you put bacon on my dad's dick.

I'll blow him up. It's like, all right. Bacon. We did bacon versus sausage. I took bacon. I did win. You won with bacon? It's more versatile. It's more versatile. I'll give you that. Have you ever had chocolate covered bacon's fine. We did bacon versus sausage. I took bacon. I did win. You won with bacon? It's more versatile. It's more versatile.

I'll give you that. Have you ever had chocolate-covered bacon? No. What is that? It's like a speedball. It's too much. They do a little chili in there, a little spice. It's too much.

The Canadians do the chocolate potato chips, too. I like anything in chocolate. It's pretty good. It is good, but it's like my thing with bacon, that I'm with you. I hated in the early aughts when bacon was someone's entire personality. Yes, yes. When they're just like, I like bacon. And you're like, yeah, everyone does.

I like it, but it's not a godsend. I agree. I agree on the sandwich. I agree. Yeah, yeah. You get a turkey club. Sure. You're looking forward to that bacon.

It's an accent. You get a little bacon in your salad. You're looking for pieces of bacon. Sure, sure. You know, I got flipped on one. There was one I hated, and I got flipped on it. What? Oh.

A pear. You hate a pear? I did. I love a pear. I'm telling you guys in the minority. Really? Not a lot of people buy and eat pears. No, no one buys them.

I don't buy them. So where do you get them? My mom used to grow them. Okay. But again, I'm from the farm. But I asked my whole crew this. Who here buys and eats pears? Here's the problem with a pear.

It's like two people raised their hand. A pear, it's like a Jewish person. You might get a bad one. No, I'm joking. But a pear, it's like sometimes it's mealy and soggy. Well, I didn't have a good pear. You got to have a good pear. I never had a good pear.

But a good pear will change your life. Well, that's what happened. I had a good pear. And I said, I literally have to admit right now I was wrong. I didn't know these pairs exist. You want it? Okay. It's the opposite of a woman.

If it's too wet, it's a disaster. And with this weight gain, you've got a solid pair. That's right. But all right. Isn't it ironic I became the pair? You're shaped. I found a fruit that I never knew existed before last year, and it is my favorite of all time. Don't tell me.

Passion? Dragon? No. Pomegranate? No. It's a strain of a popular fruit. Mandarin orange. What do you call it?

Clementine. No. Peach. It's a certain peach. A certain peach. It's like the Charlie Murphy of the peach. It is. I bit into it, and I literally just, whoever was closest to me, I would have punched him right in the mouth.

Wait, what kind of peach? I couldn't believe what I was tasting. What? It was a taste explosion. Saturn peach. Saturn. Horrible car. Look it up.

That's the wreck. Doesn't even exist anymore. Look up a Saturn peach. It's hard to get in season. If you get it in season, you bite into it, I promise you, it will change fruit. It will change fruit for you. I've never seen a Saturn pea. It looks like a fat ass on this pea.

Where do you get one? Nor did I. I found them at Trader Joe's. Oh. Trader Joe's is not known for their produce. I will say, I got two times that they were fast. They were unbelievable. And then the next five times I tried to recreate it, they were god awful.

I think it's about getting them right in the right sweet spot. Wait a minute. Does it have the fuzz? Like a peach? The peach fuzz? Anyway, yeah. Because that fuzz is a bummer to me. You get through the fuzz and you say it's magic. I didn't really see fuzz, but I mean,

don't all peaches have fuzz or no? Yeah, that's why I don't love the fuzz. Too much fuzz is bad. No, it wasn't too much fuzz. It was a good amount of fuzz. What about, okay, I got one for you, a controversial food take for me. Just overrated. I don't dislike it, but it's just overrated. Okay, I can't wait.

Mac and cheese. Oh! I just find it to be overrated. Look, if you make a great one. Well, there's a lot of bad mac and cheese. That's the problem. Mac and cheese, I'll tell you on the podcast, is a powerhouse. Yeah. It's a certain powerhouse.

It's up there with pizza and stuff, fried chicken things like that but i think pizza is never bad it can be not as good as bad pizza i guess you're gonna have bad but bad pizza is better than bad mac and cheese to me bad mac and cheese to be bland that's just carb all day carb overload and bland i'm getting the worst of both worlds here i just don't if you look if you're doing one of those special mac and cheeses, there's breadcrumbs in there. If it's like one of those. All jalapeno. Blow your balls off.

I'm into it. Some fried shrimp in that shit. You got a shell. You got a nice shell with a nice golden crunchy on the top. Crunchy is huge. Cut it out like with the spatula. Now we're talking. You just string the cheese.

Maybe it's a three to four cheese blend. I'm hard. The blend. Yes. But I do find that i've had a lot of bad mac and cheese in my day another personality i'm a mac and cheese girl they have restaurants dedicated to mac and cheese they don't serve anything else and you're like come on branch out live your life it's so it's it's a basic bitch thing yeah and she yeah it is yeah

you're right but i get it but there is great mac and cheese but you're right i think it's a little overblown a little overblown a lot of a lot of uh well you're right. But I get it. But there is great mac and cheese. But you're right. I think it's a little overblown. A little overblown. A lot of a lot of. Well, now we're talking like not like actual product, like actual product placement. But we do also do like like actual sold on shelf products. And a lot of those have taken a hit in quality over the years. Now, one of our first things that was really controversial was Oreo versus Chips Ahoy. Wait, what? Oreo versus Chips Ahoy. Who takes Chips Ahoy over Oreo? Thank you, sir. What are you saying, Mark? of our first things that was really controversial was oreo versus chips ahoy wait what oreo who

takes chips ahoy over oreo thank you sir what are you saying mark i had chips ahoy all day all day what do you guys oreo oreo changed the game dude chips ahoy has fallen off hard i haven't had a smaller there's less chips they're really cooked they taste like chemicals now oh i think oreo were chemical the whole time. Look how many Oreos. To this day, Oreos like heroin, bro. Look how many jobs Oreo has given to people. We've got the lemon cream.

We've got the golden Oreos fucking good, dude. I don't know what that is. Oreos in everything. It's Oreo this, Oreo that. People borrow Oreo to put in their shit. Oreo for a topping on ice cream. I just find it hard to beat a... You ever had a soft batch?

That's Keebler. Yeah, I had a soft batch. You can't beat a chocolate chip, I think. Oreo is a classic, dude. Well, it wasn't... It's not chocolate chip. It's Oreo versus chips. All right, all right, all right, all right.

It was a great chocolate chip cookie. No one's denying the power. Okay. Might be my favorite thing. Here's another controversial. Can't beat it. I got another controversial chocolate chip i got another controversial take oatmeal raisin love i like oatmeal really good on a good oatmeal raisin cookie is outrageous outrageous outrageous but you don't have them often they're not that great

when they're packaged that's the going to a bakery or you're getting like a little upscale one yeah now you're in the right look suffers from a similar problem to the mac and cheese, which I brought up earlier. Yeah, grandma makes mac and cheese, Oreo. What's the other thing? Cookie? Chips. No. Oatmeal. Yeah, grandma makes oatmeal, cookie, or mac and cheese. It's in. Store makes it.

Not in. Yeah, fair enough. It's got to be made with love. So we've branched off a little bit to not just food battles, so we do like other things too now, but we're going to start a powerhouse tournament regardless of what you are jews versus palestine something like that all right let me ask mark has to work with one every week so i know he's gonna be against we might be doing a battle of the titans oh boy Oh, this is like the Olympics. Versus Christmas. Yeah. Whoa!

Well, you know which side I'm on. It's a pay-per-view event. It's a pay-per-view event. I gotta get to there. You know which side? This isn't easy. I'm going pizza all day. I don't have Christmas 40 nights a year.

Oh, good point. Good point. Whoa. You're saying you would sacrifice Christmas for pizza. Look, Christmas does a lot of good. I'm not going to deny that. People look forward to Christmas. It's an important day.

Do we lose Christmas movies? Christmas is gone. The whole thing is gone. You got no Christmas. Forever? You got to pick one. None of your childhood Christmases exist. None of the magic.

None of the nostalgia. You're not hurting me now. exist. None of the magic. None of the nostalgia. You're not hurting me now. Oh, the day I went to watch the Knicks lose to the Lakers by 18 is gone? Ouch. A couple of Chinese foods. Yeah, come on.

I mean, look, even as a Jew, I have to admit, I love Christmas. I even like Christmas music. Me too. I love it. I don't get people who don't like it. I don't get people who don't like it. I don't get people who don't like it. I'm lighting these Christmas candles now. I get crazy when there's too much Christmas music by the end.

By late December, I'm like, all right, I'm out. But when it starts creeping in, like, you know, November, I'm like, well, I'm into this. I'm November 1st. Yeah. And I'll tell you another thing. I don't shy away from, like, just throwing one on mid-year. Damn. I'm just going to let it snow in the fucking summer. You'll throw on Jingle all the way in June? I'll do you another thing. I don't shy away from just throwing one on mid-year. Damn. I'm just going to let it snow in the fucking summer.

You'll throw on Jingle all the way in June? I'll do it. Damn. Me too. At the bar I worked at, I used to throw a Christmas in July party. Wow. Man, that's like being nice to Blackpool in March. What's that?

Nothing, nothing. What'd you say? That's like being nice to Blackpool in March. February's over. All right, no. But again, Christmas and pizza. I feel like you're jumping the shark here these are two different worlds it's hard to argue that's what it is okay okay you see which side which side are both you taking it's gonna be in a tournament so i'm not sure yet i'm not sure yet i gotta be honest i don't know what i

would do there i don't know what i would do pizza is everyone's favorite food christmas is my favorite holiday well it's that uh david tell joke hey i can't remember the setup but the punchline is well it's all your favorite things if you name a boat you pizza pizza pussy christmas santa yeah there you go is that what he said pizza pussy santa i think yeah pizza because everyone likes one of those things. You know what would be a fun idea for your show, and feel free to kick me in the balls here, I've been drinking Japanese whiskey, but you get two high-profile

lawyers, and give them a thing, and then you and Joe team up, and you guys debate with lawyers, because you guys are pros now. Us versus them. Us versus them. I love that. You guys are two brilliant arguers, and now you got two professional arguers make a case against these lawyers You know comics who used to be lawyers so you get Dan Adam in an alley bell up in that Good call Wow, I think Dimitri was a lawyer

We haven't had many guys who want a couple because I'm I film it out in Staten Island I mean out there, but we're actually branching out now So we're bringing in all guests. We're doing three ways, four ways, team ups, all that shit now. If you guys want to team up against two right here, it could be a We Might Be Drunk debate. We'd love to have you on. We'll go to the island.

You guys want to do it? Yeah. You should take that ferry over there. I love the ferry. I'm right by there. It's not far. By the way, Jost is doing a ferry show. I did it first.

Oh, yeah. You did it on Fallon. Tonight show, yeah. Yeah. What did you first. Oh, yeah, you did it on Fallon. Tonight show, yeah. Yeah. What did you do? I did a, during the pandemic, I had a Fallon waiting. You know, they're like, hey, are you going to do Fallon COVID hits? So I was like, I still want that Fallon.

I still want that spot. I did too, but it was going to be a Zoom, so I didn't do it. I didn't want to do Zoom either. So I said, all right, you got to be outside. Shooting outside sucks. Let's at least make it interesting. I got my guys, my camera crew. We shot a set on the Staten Island Ferry.

So we're outdoors. What? We're on a ferry. It's different. It's new. It was great. You just did it in Gorilla or they let you? I did it in Gorilla and they took it.

No one on the ferry came up to you and said, you can't do this? They did after, but we got it. We got it in the can. We also brought a drone. The wind took the drone right into the sea. And it cut Dominic's hand, right? That's right. Yeah, his hand's bleeding.

Salacuse filmed it, and Dominic Mull, who did my roof thing, he did the drone, and he did that for Mark's thing, too. And the propeller from the drone cut his hand bad. No way. Yes, that's right. Where did you set the mic up? You did it outside, inside? We brought a big speaker. It was just mic, cord to speaker.

And we got a couple of ferry goers. And I got a couple of fans out there. And they just stood there in the freezing cold. Outside? Outside on the back end of the boat where you get off to get on. You're shitting me. And did you do the set from Manhattan to Staten or Staten to Manhattan? We did it from Manhattan to Staten to run it. and then we got it back and then did it there.

So you only had people that were on? You happened to have just people that were commuting on that ferry? I had about six people who were fans. I just wrote a tweet like, hey, this is a crazy thing. I know this is ridiculous, but come on out and watch. So how many people were watching? Probably about 12. That's it?

That's it. And you put that on Fallon? Yeah, they bought it. Was there enough of a feedback? Well, we cleaned the sound up like a motherfucker. Okay. Because it was so... And here it is.

Dude, I had no idea. Nobody saw it. At least show a bit, man. It's pretty cool. Wow. The sound isn't great. Hey, hey, folks. Here we are on the Staten Island Ferry in New York City.

You're shitting me. That wind was so crazy. This is good times. Good to be here. They played this version on found with the wind. It's the economy that's sinking. There they are. People, I didn't think it was like the Wild West or COVID.

I can't believe we're all here because some guy made love to a bat. Speaking of bats, they actually shut down the production of the movie Batman because Batman got corona, which doesn't shock me too much because the wrong part of his face is covered. Oh, really? Yeah, I'd love to watch my act. Corona's starting to feel like the check engine lights. Wow.

And you guys, the doc is like the light. You got to just look back and be like, oh, shit, I got to wrap this up. Exactly, exactly. But a bunch of, like, fairy guys, like doc guys like doc guys were like watching me from the top level like oh this guy's things and that was totally in my head the whole time where'd you get that and you had to do that huh how'd you get like you just thought of it thought of it because i knew i wanted to it had to be outside because they were so covid strict and i was like outside outside how do we make the roof and so i said new york comedy club can i do it on the roof and they

said someone already did that. And then I said, what about this? No. What about the top of the Empire State Building? No. Ferry. Would you boom the audience or would you do it? Yeah.

Big boom. Wow. And that played on Fallon. Yeah. Nobody cared. I was like, this is going to change it. It's like a Tom Green sketch. Holy shit.

Nobody gave a shit. That's so cool. Yeah. It was fun. Yeah. Yeah. Now they got that ferry. I don't know how that's going to,

I don't know how you're going to put in tens and tens and tens and tens of millions of dollars to turn that around. I don't know about it. So Colin Jost and Pete Davidson bought a boat. I don't get why. I mean, you know, if you're from Staten Island, so I saw someone sent me the link that it was going to be on for sale. And I thought, I didn't know, I didn't realize it was a, uh, I didn't realize it was a, uh, uh, uh,

I don't know. I don't know. I sold an auction. There it is. I didn't realize it was going to be an auction. It said in the thing, one 25. And you don't understand like that is that's low. Like that, that, that the ferry to me is like, is like church.

Yeah, it really is. It's like, it's, it really is. It's steeped in, in who I am. You know what I mean? It's like church yeah it really is it's like it's it really is it's steeped in in who i am you know i have so so for 125 to own a and by the way it was the john f kennedy i did jfk i took that boat every single day really yeah every day for a decade like wow so i was like wow that's not that's not too much now i didn't know what the implications were for making a purchase like that. Yeah. And I got that text on a Monday.

I texted two friends, and I said, should we buy this? I didn't know for what. I said, should we just buy it? I don't know. We've got to find out what the holding costs are. But at $125, if it's good finance or whatever the hell it is, and figure out what to do, I don't know what we're going to do with it. And then less than 48 hours later, they bought.

But I'm glad I didn't. How do you buy a ferry together? Right. What does that mean? I'm sure somebody got Venmo'd. I guess Paul Italia bid on it for Colin P or whatever. And they just, I don't know what they worked out, but they have plans for it. I talked to Colin.

They just did it blindly. So he doesn't even know the holding costs. Wow. He was like, we kind of made a snap judgment. He goes, I think it's going to be a losing proposition maybe. But we're going to really work on it, get invested, try to dock it, and try to make it into something. I think it's a really cool idea. Great idea.

It's cool that they're both Staten Island guys. I love it. I love it. That's huge. Yeah. It's so cool. But yeah, and I was like, you know, I might have gone in on that if I was in the conversation, but in hindsight, I'm glad that I didn't. It is going to be a tough, that's a lot of money to hold it, to dock it, to repair it,

to all that stuff. So in theory, it was great, and I wish them well, but I'm like, I'm probably glad I didn't do it. Yeah, no, it's going to be a headache, but i think the demand to go just the idea the novelty of it i think will bring people out yeah you know hey stand-up show on a boat it's pretty i mean you do it right i would do it in a second i've done it yeah why not so i like that pete and uh colin are going for it yeah let's try something crazy but i think it will be tough to keep we'll see where it goes sustain yeah yeah and maybe in like 30 people buy subway cars or something that'll be

like oh yeah move it holds over this homeless guy jacking off it's mine i own that yeah it holds over 5 000 people oh my god yeah man are they gonna have have yacht parties on a Staten Island ferry? That's what I'm saying. Just spruce it up, dock it, and throw events. Yes. I'm sure they'll do. What's the move, though? This is just an old boat. They're still doing the ferry, obviously. Yeah. All right. All right.

Ferry's 24-7, 365 free. It used to be a quarter. Used to be a quarter, 50 cents, token. When did that go away? A long time ago. Okay. Also, no cars anymore since 9-11. That's when it changed? That's pretty recent.

Yeah, 9-11. It was cars every... Well, there was boats that handled cars and boats that didn't. Ah, I got you. I love that. Growing up, we pulled our car right on that shit. Wow. Amazing, if you think about it.

Yeah. We just lined up, pulled our car on, then pulled out in Manhattan. That's amazing. Wow. It seems like so foreign now but but you remember that oh i mean it was my i mean i was only 20 years i i that was into my mid-20s that we did that wow yeah and now it's like and it's like it's you know it's crazy it's like i don't know what nine i guess it's like yeah you're like okay we're exposed here there's a risk if you someone brings a car you know after that it was like anything can happen but it's like the guy who lit his shoes yeah one guy lit his shoes failed no more shoes 30 30 years globally no more shoes it's like it's wild he failed i know

but you just all you have to do is sign up for clear or pre-check and you get around that but like yeah i'm a mind which i am thank god yeah, that's it. I see people taking shoes off now and I'm like, sucker. Like I really, it's like the people that don't have easy pass. It's crazy. Right. Well,

I've had friends who are like, I don't want to be on the grid. I'm like, you're that dude. That dude is making your life less comfortable. Just you be on the grid. I mean, what do you got to,

but don't you worry that the government is saying, Hey, we're going to set this rule unless you pay. So they're not really worried about us. They're like, give us the money and we'll let you keep your shoes on. Because you've got to pay for clear. Clear is a private business. I know, but I'm just saying it proves that they don't actually give a shit about you.

If they're like, all right, pay a couple bucks and we'll let you. Well, I think the idea is that you're vetted. You check your fingerprints. They do a background check. So you pay with with the fingerprints? Well, you did for TSA Pre. Maybe not, but for Pre you did. What happened was TSA Pre was the jam.

And then all of a sudden TSA Pre lines were out the door. So they had to come up with something else. You gotta. It's the only way. Clear has saved my ass. If it saves your ass once, it's worth it. Think about how it. What is it? A couple hundred bucks, whatever it is. If it saves your ass once, it's worth it. It paid for itself.

Think about how much more we're going to have to give up in like 10 years. Like what? I don't know. With the next line, there's going to be a third line. Everyone's going to have clear. We're going to have to. They're going to be like, do a dance. And we're like, you got to do a dance if you want to get the third one.

Oh, you in the foreskin line? Yeah, they got my foreskin. Has your guys' travel recently with COVID and shit been – my travel has been nightmarish. I've had the worst luck. I've had seven, eight – I've gotten lucky knocking wood. Really? I have seven or eight flights in a row that were canceled in a row.

Whoa. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row.

In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row.

In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row.

In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row.

In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row.

In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row.

In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row.

In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In a row. In airline that suffocated a puppy in the overhead yeah it's fucking up they're the worst uh always united lost my luggage damn what does that have to do with covid luck i'm i stick i stick delta for the most part and i've been pretty lucky delta's good delta's good jeff blue's pretty good and a sleeper one i just southwest is a sleeper they're a sleeper but they fucking

it's shady it's a little too egalitarian for me you think so i don't know socialist yeah i like what's this i took your advice oh hell yeah dude love it what do you got there well i was uh i was a uh i'll take a frontier whatever i got i finally got this this don't put that up on the good boy you blow that man yeah all right it a SkyMiles car because I want that lounge, motherfucker. The lounge is big. Yeah. Especially on delays. Yes.

Yeah. A little hack if you don't know. Have you got an Amex? We know all the hacks. Joe Mackey. A business Amex? Who's that? Joe Mackey. If you got a platinum business Amex, you get it in a lounge free.

Yeah. Ah. Yeah. And if you have two of them, right? Like, just order another one. They send it to you free. And then you have one in the pocket you can give to your friend. They never check the name.

You just show it. You get in. Oh, wow. So you can order another one. They'll send it to you in the mail. You have two. They both work. Wow.

And you just use one to give to your friend to get into the lounge for free. Otherwise, you got to pay. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to do it. to give to your friend to get into the lounge for free. Otherwise, you got to pay. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to do it. The United Lounge, by the way, which I've gotten into many times, not great. Nah.

Kind of a waste. It's like ramen noodles and handy snacks and cheese doodles. And you're like, what do we do? I'm in the lounge. We were in a time machine when I was 12. Yeah, exactly. I went into the Virgin Atlantic Lounge in London. Oh, the international is a different world. Can I tell you something?

I've never seen it. It was the most, I wanted to stay. Yeah. They had full private bathrooms with showers. Wow. They had a lounge with a pool table. Wow. They had a TV movie area.

Oh. They had a menu that they give you to bring you food, not go up and serve yourself. It was lights out. I was like, I cannot believe what I'm looking at. There's a woman dancing to She's My Cherry Pie. I only did it once, but it was a real experience. Yeah, I did the lounge and I did the Melbourne Comedy Fest, and they hooked you up with business class.

The lounge was incredible. It's like you said, I didn't want to leave. And the flight was amazing. It's a 24-hour flight or 24-hour flight. And you were in lay flat bed? I was in lay flat, but I didn't need it. I mean, I had a nonstop scotch. The food was amazing.

You got food anytime you wanted. But you got to sleep on that, right? You could sleep. You could go back pretty good, but it was just beautiful. i didn't want it to end yeah it helps now let me tell you something i went to australia once i never thought i would go i can't take a sustain a flight like that it's a nightmare i saved up i spent i got business class it was 7500 ticket i tell you this flight was full it was direct from was direct from LA. I went to LA, then direct. I got on the flight.

I get to my seat. My fucking seat is broken. It was a lay flat. This piece right here was Velcroed on. I sat in. It sunk all the way in. There was no give on it. There was no support. It fell all the way in.

I got up. I pulled it off. It was a little flimsy thing with Velcro on it. What? It was broken. I said, whoa. We got up. I pulled it off. It was a little flimsy thing with Velcro on it. What? It was broken. So I said, whoa. We didn't take off yet. Yeah.

So I called the lady. The lady called the guy. The guy came with the neon vest. Uh-huh. Right? And he's working on it. He's like, I'll do it. And then he goes, man, I'm sorry.

There's nothing we can do about this. And I said to the lady, I paid $7,500 for this ticket. Good for you. I bought a lay flat. I've been waiting for this my entire life. It's my first time to Australia. You need to fucking fix this. Yeah, we got a 20-hour flight

cooking here. So she calls another couple people and she goes, I'm really sorry. We can't fix it. What I'll do is I'll give you two seats. Put the seats on top of each other.

Maybe we can just have a little extra support. And I was like, I had to go. And I was like, you tell me this is the only thing. So I folded my hoodie. I put it inside the

seat I put two seats on it it still felt like absolute shit it didn't stick so it was like it was like slipping out for 24 hours straight you know what she did she came over in mid-flight she goes you know we're really sorry about your experience so we want to help you in some way so here you go and she hands me a fuck just me she hands me a cheap bottle of fucking champagne oh gee what do you want me to celebrate here? How fucking shitty this is? They didn't refund you? No.

Wow. No, they didn't refund me. What airline? Put them on blast. The main, I don't know. It wasn't like the ones we, it was like the Australia. No, it wasn't Emirates. Look it up, Peters.

Get the Australian line on the horn. It's not even the champagne. It's sparkling apple juice. Yeah. Drink it. And we had these like cubby to put all our shit in. I just put it in there and left it there. Damn.

You're a good dude. I mean, you could have tweeted all day long, hey, dickless, whatever. I found that it works against me. Qlink, Pelican, Hinterland, Jetstar. Nope. Go back up. I think we might have missed it. Topand, Unity.

Nope. Unity. Yeah, I don't know. They're digging a little hard on that there's a deli in manhattan called the united we stand deli and i'm like settle down oh a quantus quantus quantus that's it quantus quantus they're big i've heard of them yeah that was a sleep worst show ever yeah yeah they didn't do shit wow and uh what assholes but i found that like i found that if i used twitter to like get

justice i get shit on oh i was like just fucking calm down you fucking celebrity you know like whatever they say i'm like i'm a human being that values the dollar yes you know like why you paid that money damn that's crazy yeah i i didn't do it for that but one time i remember like my i bought a pair of nike's nike like tech bullshit pants that were like i splurged i was like i'm gonna buy it you're a sneaker guy too i'm a sneaker guy i bought these nike they were 210 for these sweatpants again never purchased a sweatpant i never purchased a sweatpant over 50 bucks yeah in my life i put them on they were thin leg they looked good they were like elevated i could wear them out i could dress them up a little bit that

was like a utility pair i'm like i'm gonna splurge 210 for sweat i mean that's like paying 500 for crocs it's wild yeah it's wild but they were like this technology it was like you know it was in like the nike flag it was whatever okay i splurged i bought two pair black and gray and immediately they fell to shit they were like bullshit and so i i was like i'm gonna tweet them so I I tweet I say Nike boy I spent this money on this thing ever and man Nike shut me down publicly whoa like yeah Nope like literally on Twitter and I and then everybody else was like either with like uh You fucking spend $200 on sweatpants you asshole and I just I took a chance guys. I'm a middle-aged I I have I just I took a chance guys I'm I'm middle-aged I I have no kids I I've been

saving for a while like I've been saving for a while like let me just I have no kids yeah I have no kids so they shit on me for that and then they shit on me for Nike shitting on me wow and that was it I was just left I got the pants still I I'm shot I mean I've shit on you can shit on Biden he apologizes I can't believe you're getting shit from him. People just think like, you know. Because you're rich and successful. I'm not really. I mean, I guess I don't know what is rich. You're a TV star.

Yeah, I guess so. But they really don't like. Wow. But I am. I'm normal. My opinion on money has not changed a single bit. No, I'm the same. A single bit.

Why would it? Same. How you're born. How you're raised. I'll spend money on food and that's about it. You know, I'm pretty. Betting. Footwear. Betting. Experiences. it same you know how you're born how you're raised yeah i'll spend money on food and that's about it you know it's i'm betting footwear betting experiences good sheets are very important to me mattress sheets i like my bedding bet no no bedding be a good cutaway to draft kings literally literally put money into your bed yeah because you because you're in it eight hours a night. Your sheets, your pillows. Buy a $200 pillow. Buy a $5,000, $6,000 bed.

I mean, put it on a plan. Do it if you can do it. Yeah. Just do it. They have interest-free shit. Do it. We got Mike Lindell here. Next up, he's like, January 6th was pretty cool.

You got to get a good pillow if you're going to sleep at the Capitol. You got to rest up we gotta storm you are on your bed one third of your life yeah put the money in it's true but yeah and you're standing

this is the first year Mark and I have stayed in nice hotels like you know like we I barely do. You really... It makes a difference. I should. I just had this conversation. You don't do the road every week, Mark.

No, you're right. You're right. And we're not even staying in the four seasons. We're just staying in something not shitty. Right. My manager sat me down when we really started, like I really started doing like 50, 60, 70, whatever it is. And he was like, you have to...

Because I wouldn't. And he's like, you have to fly i wouldn't and he's like you have to fly first class he goes and you have to you have to upgrade the hotel you got to make it amenable to you you can't just be grinding and then get on the plane and be uncomfortable and get there and you get in the room and it's not good and then you're just like you hate your life yeah you gotta just oh thank this is great this seat is great this room is great it'll help and it'll go a long way and i didn't want to spend that money, but I changed a few years ago,

and it makes all the difference. Yeah. If you can do it. If you can do it. You put the time in, not. But if you can do it now, do it. Yeah, well, you talk to anybody who's a non-comic, any civilian, about traveling,

and they're like, oh, I had to go to Newark, and then the airport took forever, and then you end up like, I do that every week. I do that multiple times a week you psycho and we checked to the hotel they weren't ready and we had to wait and you're like yes yes that's my fucking life my life oh i remember so many times check getting there like 10 a.m and they're like you won't be ready till three and you're like cool i'm gonna sleep right here right there yeah exactly exactly right there and you know they can do stuff for

you you know that it's all up to the person, what they're feeling behind it. Every one of those people behind the desk has the power to do whatever they can for you. Good point. They all do. So you got to go in up top, big smile. Yes. Like you don't need nothing. Like your room's already ready.

You go in and you say, oh my God, you read the tag. Hello, Clarissa. How are you today? How are you? How are you? No, how are you? Yes. And then you smile and you say, I'm great.

How's everything? You just make a little small talk and then you'll see her go, oh. You know what? It's not ready but I have this other... Yeah, you're right. I had that second cover. You could also say, Clarissa,

your husband Phil and your kid Stuart, I found out all their names. If you don't make my room work out bad things can happen I have a set of unusual skills whatever he says Clarissa you go home tonight to Phil? I had this at Cava

it was pouring down rain and I went into Cava just to get out of the rain it was in Wall Street area Cava's underrated Cava C-A-V-A? it's like Chipotle but Mediterranean It's like a— Cava C-A-V-A? Yeah. It's like Chipotle, but Mediterranean. It's like a worldly Chipotle.

It's more exotic. I thought Cava was literally a geographical location. It might be, actually. There it is. That's Cava. It's one of these bowl places, but it's nice. It's really good. It's very good.

So I went into Cava, and I was like, all right, I'll buy a bowl. I feel bad. I was making jokes like, look, we're not going to lie to you. I just want to get out of the rain. And it's just a couple of knuckleheads behind the counter, and I'm b, all right, I'll buy a bowl. I feel bad. I was making jokes like, look, we're not going to lie to you. I just want to get out of the rain. And it's just a couple of knuckleheads behind the counter. And I'm busting their balls, and they give me a free bowl. Because they can. They don't care.

Everybody can. Everybody can. That's his little lone secret. How often are you on the road, and you pop into a diner, and you're like, all right, let's get a coffee. And you try to pay, and they're just like, that'll happen. That'll happen. They're like, just take it.

You give them a little flavor. It happened in Alabama over the weekend. Wow. wow i'll tell you that's all that happened in alabama that crowd did not like me those crowds that was the only goodwill i got that weekend huntsville you have the best crowd work clips on oh yeah terrific man well i record every set so it's not right every road set at least so it's not— Right. Every road set, at least. So it's, you know, but that crowd, holy shit. They were— Really?

Not easy. Yeah. I mean, I feel like there's a different sensibility. It was the weekend? I did Thursday through Saturday. You had to work through every show? Thursday was up and down. Friday early was really rough.

They were stiff. Late show, they were just hammered. Oh, God. Saturday early was really rough they were stiff late show they were just hammered Saturday early was pretty good and the late was great but it's like man

it was a tougher weekend than I've had since I've been back out there probably wow totally those will wake you up great club though

the club was very well run and it was just like man it takes some getting used to and that's okay man like it's okay to you know not you you make some necessary edits on those bad weekends i think so i i'm i'm okay with it you know what

it's kind of like i'm sorry no uh i like to watch these boxing documentaries oh yeah there's always these boxers that are just dominating they win every fight and then they go fight some guy who's tough and they say like oh, it woke me up. And I had to, like, try. And that's what these bad rooms. I was just in Syracuse. And it was just like, oh, you think you're somebody? We'll bring you right back down.

And you got to work it. You got to make it happen. It's also like you're like, it's a mall in Syria. Because I figured I was helping out a little bit here. I know. This is not exactly. I didn't know there was a hot thing to do in this town. I'm trying to bring you a little joy.

You bought a ticket. And now you're mad at me. It's like the highest suicide rate in the country. Can you help out a little? I'm trying to turn things around for you. Yeah, meet me halfway. Do they do that to strippers? She's out there dancing, not feeling it. Yeah, they do.

Not hard. I don't think a stripper in Syracuse has a great life. Yeah, that's a tough one. It's me and my friend's birthday. Dance to Limp Bizkit. life yeah that's a tough one it's me and my friend's birthday dance to limp biscuit meanwhile it's uh it's q up there and you're like keep dancing q i'll tell you another little lone hack yeah please another little lone mackie god bless him one of the funniest guys in the world. You can ask for a sale, like a percentage off in any store if you have the stones. Wait a minute.

My friend used to work in retail. He used to work at Nordstrom Rack. Yeah. I love Nordstrom Rack. He was one of the top sellers on the East Coast. Wow. And he let me know the inside scoop. And when I'm with him and we go out, he'll walk into a store and he just got balls.

And he just goes up and he goes, and he'll ask for the manager who I was working at. I'd be like, hey, what can you do for me today? Whoa. Swear to God. And he'll say it outright. He goes, 10, 20. I want the family. I want the employee rate, 20%.

And they'll laugh. They can give it if they want. Yeah. There's no one looking over it. Yeah, yeah. There's no regulation. They can hit whatever button they want on there there's no rhyme looking over it yeah there's no regulation they can hit whatever button they want on there and you could ask for all he asked for it all the time wow gets it like two third like 75 percent of the time and then when sometimes when he's with me he

goes and i'm gonna shop he goes what are you gonna do for my friend wow i won't say i won't say it but he says it and people be like they're laughing they laugh, and they're like, I give you 20%. Damn. Just off the street, and they do it. I love it. Charm, man. Go accomplish. If you have it, I need to ask. Now, here's my hack about retail.

I steal it. Mark really does steal. This is stolen from Uniqlo in Soho. Tell me. Swear. Swear it. I swear to God, I stole this from Uniqlo. I bought a little zip up and I stole this.

Okay. Take me through it because I have a lot of questions now about you, about the process, everything. By the way, Mark, the more you admit to this on podcast, the harder it's going to be to get out of this when there's a record. You might be right. You might be right. But go ahead.

Nobody's going to look at it. No one cares. I mean, have you seen Rogan? No one keeps track of podcasts. They're going to beep every time you stole something mark's compilation uh stealing stuff i stole in context so you stole from uniclo 17 times in 14 episodes it was over years no but i stole this is like i don't know two months so i knew i need a little zip up i lost my my zip up got stolen did you go in yeah knowing you were gonna steal no okay i knew i wanted the jacket like a little took over like a flea what do you call those uh

puffy things you know puffy jack oh like a little patagonia type deal yeah oh yeah they have great ones there they're reasonably priced exactly yeah that's why i went so i went on broadway you didn't go because it was reasonably priced uniclothes got good deals they do so i went there and they the last one i had that got stolen by the way carba i guess they didn't do it okay but uh it got stolen so i was like i want that one again that's trash stealing a jacket yeah i'm gonna steal a used jacket right i mean unless you're from you don't you're homeless stealing a new one that's class okay so you go in and you're going in for the puffer yes all right so i try on some puffs i try on some puffs and i go you know i do need a black sweater are you alone yes continue you got to be alone do you ever do it with your lady nah because i don't want to incriminate her

what's the word you told her you stole that i I told her, yeah. She was not turned on. I was like, how hot is this? She was like, ah, you're 38. You had a fucking life, you little weirdo. How did you say it to her? Were you bragging? Yes, yes, yes. I was like a matador. Look at this. She was like, ah, you gotta get it together.

She was like, you make money. I'm like, I know. It's a thrill. Okay, okay, okay. Are. I'm like, I know. It's a thrill. Okay. Okay. Okay. Are you as into this as I am? I mean, I've heard it before and I still do. I still like it. No, I still like it.

Have you told it on the pod already? Well, I stole a shirt last week and I told him that story. A different shirt? Yeah. Mark steals constant. Mark stole a shirt that he wore on Conan that night. With the buzzer on it. Oh, that's legendary. Thank you.

Thank you. Legendary. Oh, wow. We can pull that up. You can't see the buzz buzzer but it's on there i can tell you which conan it was but either way so i go in and i put the buff the puffer on i'm like this is the one and then you pass by a sweaty like that's a good looking sweater oh there's no uh no no buzzer all right let me try the sweater on okay it fits then you put the puffer on over you're like all right well i'm buying the puffer so here's my move i go up and buy the puffer with the sweater on if they catch me i'll go oh shit i forgot obviously oh that old that old well obviously i'm honest because i'm buying the one so i'm willing to buy obviously i'm honest as you're telling the story about stealing wait

do it how much in their mind do you keep the tag on the sweater? So if they. Yes. All right. Yes. So if they catch me, I will pay for it. And I'll go. I'll play it dumb.

Well, hold on. Are the changing rooms unsupervised? Well, that's. Usually you go in. They go, hey, what's your name? Sometimes they write it. And they'll say, how many you need? And they put the number on it.

They call it leather. You write on there. Sure. Well, what am I, say, how many do you need? And they put the number on it. They scarlet letter you right on there. Sure. Well, what am I, an amateur? No. I put the sweater on in the hallway. I just throw it on. You had the sweater on before you went into the fitting room. Yes.

So it's premeditated. No, there's no fitting room. I put the sweater on. This is a fitting room. I mean, I didn't know it. But he doesn't use it, though. Oh. I put the sweater on in the hallway.

Whoop. One swipe. Bam. It's on. And then I throw the puffer on. It's too brazen to be a crime. Exactly. The brazen in the hallway. Whoop. One swipe. Bam. It's on. And then I throw the puffer on. I go. It's too brazen to be a crime. Exactly.

The brazen is the key. Right. Yes. And I do this at the airport, too. Sunfell. They steal batteries, the old people. Yeah. Matt, you're going to have to clip this up.

Mark's describing stealing in detail is fantastic. So you say, okay, when you see it. Yeah. Yeah. I want to know the moment you're deciding to steal. The moment. The moment. Well, once it's on you, it's a lot easier.

You're like, all right, I got it on. So before it was on, you weren't even considering. No. I tried it on. I was like, I got this. I knew I had it once it was on. So you put it on and then the seed. Yes.

Was like, I don't need to pay for this. Well, there's always a seed. So you put the jacket on at the register and you just go, oh, here's the tag. I want to wear it out. Yeah. And then they go, you got to take it off. And I go, okay, okay. And I take the jacket off.

And they beep, boop, boop. No questions asked. And I walk out. I'm looking at your shirt right now. Yeah. That's a very standard shirt. So that could be bought anywhere. So I wouldn't know if I was an employee of Uniqlo.

I wouldn't know if that was Uniqlo. Exactly. Good point. So if you had a basic. Yeah. Like a solid color, a basic, a layer, a basic a layer or sweater then no one that's balls if they're gonna cuz if they you take the jacket they accuse you of stealing you know that I had a I had a friend who used to be security if you accuse

someone of stealing and you detain them and they haven't stole you got a lawsuit on your hands oh yeah that's good to know I didn't know that yeah okay so you put it on you said i'm not gonna pay don't fucking don't egg him on now he's gonna find a way to see how much was the sweater this sweater i think was like oh that's a stolen one right there stole it all right i think it was 40 ish okay and the puffer was 60 so is any part of you saying okay the consequences are not worth 40 or are you saying i feel like bulletproof It's bulletproof because if they go, hey, what's that sweater? I go, oh shit, I'll pay for this too.

Then you're out. Boom. In and out. Wow. And you think that's it? You've never gotten caught? Never. What do you mean you've never gotten caught? I've done this a thousand times. You should see me at Hudson News at Newark. I'm all over the road. You're kidding.

No, they got cameras. Never had a problem. What are you stealing? You stealing consumer products? You should see me at Hudson News at Newark. I'm all over the road. You're kidding. No, they got cameras. They got cameras. Never had a problem. What are you stealing? You stealing consumer reports? I take Dramamine, a wrap, usually a couple of hard-boiled eggs, and a water. And what are you stealing? That's what I'm stealing.

What are you paying for? No, that's what stealing is. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, here's what I do. He's getting cocky. I'm getting greedy. I'm getting greedy. Where are you putting all this? I'll tell you where I'm putting it. So I got the roller.

I will say they rape us at the airport. Yes. So this is a little bit of a justice thing. If you buy one Newsweek, you're fair. $9 for a New Yorker? Yes, thank you. So I got the roller bag. I put it all on top of the roller bag.

Just right on the top. And I roll out. I look around. Before you know it, I make the roller bag. I put it all on top of the roller bag, just right on the top. And I roll out. I look around. Before you know it, I make Terminal 3. I'm on the flight. Do the look around again. You do it every time? Every time.

You always need something at the airport. You walk out with an egg salad sandwich laying on top of your carry-on. Yeah, carry-on. And you walk out wrapped with other things, eggs. Sitting right on it. And nobody ever is like, eh. Well, you got to think these people are all behind a counter. They got their face in the register.

They got their face in the screen, face on the lady. What about the cameras? Well, by the time there's some chooch in a camera room, in a newsroomroom in the top tower i'm already off to kc cumulatively how much do you think you oh i'll be in the thousands forget about it yeah way over that yeah i mean i was i'm more than 9 11 caused really oh yeah oh yeah this is great and you and you and you you're gonna. You know that. Well, it's part of my routine now. Routine.

It's part of pre-check. Did you ever think about what happens if you get caught? If you get caught and they don't forgive you. You know what's crazy? That's scary. It doesn't matter. Right? Well, I mean.

It doesn't really matter. You're not going to get knocked out of books. It's free press. You're not going to get knocked out of books. I'll still get booked. Comedy on State because you stole a fucking tuna melt. The New York Post article that says Mark goes down will say you can see him at the Syracuse

Funny Bone this weekend. He'll use it as a plug. He steals things, not material. Come see that at the Funny Bone. So when you walk into an airport, when's your next, when are you on the road? This weekend? This weekend in Omaha. So you're going to JFK?

Newark. God bless. I'm going to Newark. I will see you there. All right. Friday? Thursday. Okay. So you're going to JFK? Newark. God bless. I'm going to Newark. I will see you there. All right. Friday? Thursday. Okay.

So you're going to Newark. You know walking in. I'm going to Hudson News. I'm doing my routine. Yes. Oh, so it's every time. It's part of it. And you are batting 1,000.

Yeah, I've been caught. In dozens. Decade. Decade. Yeah. I'll send you a photo of it. Do you feel weird making what you make and still stealing?

No. It's like he said. It's all in there. It's who you are. I am beside myself. Because it's par for the course. It's happening every time. You know you're doing it. You always make that stop. Unless you're late. You're going to Hudson News and you're leaving what you're stealing stuff yeah i'll

tell you my biggest bounty oh sorry well i'm gonna ask you one question at any point your heart rate does it does it spike at all yeah oh it's spiking oh it still does every time oh yeah of course because i'm aware being a batting a thousand it spikes every time yes why would you sell through that part of it's it's a why do people bungee jump why do people skydive okay so this is your bungee jump yes but is it okay but continue yeah so my biggest bounty one time i my flight got real fucked up and i had to sleep basically at the airport because i couldn't find a way and they left the hudson news gate down like this i was like tom hanks they left the gate down here and i had about a fucking two foot. And I rolled right under that gate.

I was eating dinner in there. It was. Oh, my God. It was like the L.A. riots. It was like the riots. I was looting. I was like the guy of Louis Vuitton. This is.

What do you think about this? Is this you? Can you do it? Have you ever done it? I can't do it. I can't steal from a Hudson. I can't steal from a place. God forbid someone like.

Joker goes down. He's an upstanding citizen. I can't steal from a Hudson News. I can't steal from a place. God forbid someone like, I'm on a Grammy. Joker goes down. When I was younger, I went to a baseball card show. Do you remember those? Oh, I love those. Baseball, I don't even know if they do that. Were you a collector? Baseball, when I was in grammar school.

I went with my best friend. We got to wrap up soon, but I want to hear this story. This is it. We'll wrap it up. I went to a baseball card show. I was wearing a fanny pack. It was a short face. It was a short face. Big mistake. I was wearing a fanny pack. It was a short face. It was a short face. Big mistake.

I was wearing a fanny pack. One of my best friends at the time, we go in, and somehow or another, he's starting to steal cards. I remember it. A Kirby Puckett Topps 85 rookie, a Dallas Strawberry rookie, a Dwight Gooden rookie, a Don Manley rookie, a whole bunch of cards. He's got good taste. He's taking them.

He's putting them in my fanny pack. I'm not taking them. You're an accomplice. Yeah, I'm an accessory. We do the whole lap, and then my dad is scheduled to pick us up. So we're doing the whole lap. He's throwing them in my fanny pack. I got like a couple hundred bucks worth of cards in my fanny pack.

Rookie cards up the ass. We go to leave when my dad's coming to pick us up. And as soon as we go to leave, some guy gets in front of the doorway and stands in front of us. He goes, stop right there. And I go, what's the matter? He goes, you're not walking out of here. And at the same exact time, my dad entering and i saw him walking up and the guy was holding me and my dad was like what's the matter here like more about the guy like why

are you even holding my son like he goes what's going on and the guy was like well your son's stealing cards oh so my dad literally i see him go a shade of red. I want to say I was 12. He takes me by my shirt and lifts me in the air. He takes me by my shirt. He goes, is this true? My dad never hit me in my whole life. He wouldn't even curse in front of me.

He goes, is this true? And he goes, is this the son I've been raising? And I pissed my pants. I don't blame you. Pissed my pants. The guy. You ruined the cards. The guy felt so bad for me.

The guy looked at me in the air pissing, and he was like, get out of here. And I went home with the cards. Whoa. My friend went home. We lived in an apartment building right next to each other. So your dad was in on it. He got in no trouble. His parents were like, you stupid ass.

You got caught? He was outside doing fucking wheelies on his bike my dad screamed to me i was doing that like yeah crying thing right and he left the house i remember i was behind the the sectional i hid behind it because i was so scared he was yelling sure he went out he came back it was dark i was behind the sectional still he opened the door turned on lights he saw him back there and he was like he's like i'm really sorry about like i yelled at you like that but you can't do that all right so that was a fast forward a couple years later it's christmas time we're in sears remember when those wrestlers those wwf wrestlers those like bendable like those big wrestling buddies yeah okay so we're in there and i'm shopping with him and i'm like dad can i get

a wrestler i'm like i'm coming with you i don't want to be here. So I wanted Jesse the Body Ventura. So my dad takes it. We get online at Sears. It's mayhem. There's like a long line. We're waiting. My dad, I have to be somewhere. We're waiting, waiting.

I see my dad getting impatient and patient. And I literally watch my dad go. And then he breaks open the plastic, takes Jesse the Body out of the packaging, and he goes, you know what? Let's go because I got to be somewhere. Let's go. And we start walking toward the door and he has just the thing loose in his hand and I'm

looking at him and we get to the vestibule and we get to the vestibule and I go, stop! And he's like, what? And I go, you're gonna take Jesse the body of Ventura? And he goes, I'll come back. I'll pay for it tomorrow. I go, no. We're not gonna steal that. I don't want to steal that. What? We're not gonna steal that.

And he goes, he looks at me and he goes, you're right. We go back in he gets the packaging we stay on line for like 25 more minutes He pays for it, and I took I took him to task for it Wow Look at that justice cyclical came right I thought would have been a great store end of the first stories if the dad sees you get away with that and he's like We got a good thing going if the dad sees you get away with that and he's like, we got a good thing going. We can start conning people. You pee on command.

I yell at you. We're taking tops and fucking bowers. We'll get a Honus Wagner in there. Wow, what a story. Man, well, there you go. Where are you going to be, guys? We're going to do some dates. Yes, like you, you're May 7th at the Beacon.

You're at 14. I am May 14th at the Beacon. I love it. It was announced today. I don't know when this comes out. When does it come out? Two weeks. So that's it.

Tickets are on sale right now. Hell yeah. I'm at the Beacon May 14th. I'm at the Ryman March 11th. Wow. And I'm everywhere else. I have like 20, 30 cities up right now. Salvocanocomedy.com, please.

We love you, man. Thanks for coming on. Bring Jesse the Body Ventura toys. I still have it. Oh, you still have it? Yeah, I still have it. Oh, you still have it? That's what I say. Oh, you're a good son and a horrible dad. Where are you going to be?

I'm all over the place. Tampa, Cincinnati, Columbus, Louisville, Fort Wayne, Indianapolis, La Jolla. I'm in all of those, too. Okay, Raleigh. Please, check it. Chicago this summer. It's going to be marknormancomedy.com. Same.

We're adding Chicago again. Taping something there. We got Sacramento, San Diego, Orlando, West Palm, Columbus, Salt Lake, Cleveland, the Beacon in New York. So many cities. It's all on samorell.com slash shows. We keep adding shit. Brea, Toronto.

Added a second in Toronto. I'm pumped for that. And remember, guys, we might be drunkpod.com. We got these glasses now. We got a second in Toronto. I'm pumped for that. And remember guys, we might be drunkpod.com. We got these glasses now. We got all kinds of shit. We might be drunkpod at gmail.com for the Patreon stuff. We love you. Keep listening. We'll see you soon.

Thank you, Sal. We love you. Keep boozing. This was a blast, boys. Thank you. Thank you for coming, Sally. Great up. I've had a little too much right up. I'm coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true.