We Might Be Drunk - Ep 66: Luck of The Irish

Episode Date: March 14, 2022

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We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Woo-wee! Hey, hey folks, here we are. Happy St. Paddy's Day. Top of the morning to you. Luck of the Irish. I love it. Kiss me. I'm Irish.

Are we just doing costumes now? A bunch? How many? Where does it end, Matt? Mother's Day? What are we doing? I'll dress as a mom. I don't care.

I can be Octomom. We'll have eight kids. How you been, man? Good, good. I'm excited for a drink I love St. Paddy's It's the last racist holiday You can go all in

I guess the gay pride parade is pretty offensive Not to them Not to them But it's every stereo I like the stereotypes All in one place All in one day I'll tell you

That gay pride parade You ain't getting to the comedy cellar that night No They're blocking that whole way It's a huge cock block I'll tell you, that gay pride parade, you ain't getting to the comedy cellar that night. No. They're blocking that whole way. It's a huge cock block. You cannot get past that parade. But I go every year.

I live like a block away, and it's a fucking ball. Balls. But yeah, good times. It's a lot. But St. Paddy's, Fitzsimmons has a great fun fact. He said, if you look at St. Paddy's Day nine months later all these kids are born because everybody fucks all these mix and O'Reilly's and what not they all bang on St. Paddy's

John Stewart had a great bit back in the day about St. Patrick's Day the parade he would say you know they won't let the gays march in the parade and he goes yeah because you don't want anything to mess with the dignity of that parade when you're peeing behind a dumpster you don't want anything to mess with the dignity of that parade. He goes, when you're peeing behind a dumpster, you don't want some gay guy checking you out. That's a great bit.

Great bit. Well, in honor of the Emerald Isle, the Blarney Stone, we got our old pal Jamie here doing some cocktails. Well, what do you got for us today, Jamie? That looks horrible. I'm going to put it out there. That doesn't look good. It was requested to do boozy shamrock shake. By who?

Who requested this? I think Peters. Are you Irish? He just wants the cookies. That's why he did this shit. I was concerned, but, you know, like, I came on here last time doing the coquito, so, like, I'm just the person who does the sweet. Oh, not the whipped cream. I just came from a pizza judging contest.

I'm going to be shitting my pants. Bring it on. You live like people think Americans live. They go eat pizza all day at a contest, and then they drink shakes for dinner. Do your best, guys, you know? This is a lot. For a Jew, you deal with a lot of dairy.

Well, yeah, but you know what? That's the thing. I made it, so it's not the Mickey D's kind, so I was able to get oat milk involved in light vanilla ice cream. You know what? I'll say this.

My order for coffee, I go usually a little oat milk on the side. Whole milk is my second favorite. I think oat milk tastes the best. It's the best taste. You got me on oat milk. I love it.

It's good. We got a little carried away with almond. Almond kind of sucks. Almond's not great. Coconut's not good. It's a healthy option, but little carried away with almond. Almond kind of sucks. Almond's not great. Coconut's not good. It's a healthy option, but it's not the best tasting. Is it even healthy?

I don't know. Who knows? Milk is the ultimate tease. We're like, for years, people were like, are you drinking all your milk? Right. Strong bones. Bill does a body good. What the hell happened?

That was all disproven, by the way. It's like full of fat and bullshit and cholesterol and all this stuff. So, yeah. And it doesn't help you. I was watching a Mad Men where Roger Sterling has a heart attack and he's like a giant thing of milk. Because they're like, it's good for you. And of course, it's... Okay, kids.

Oh, look at that. Oh, geez, the pants. Look at this. Oh, my God. Nice. A lot of green. Woo! This looks delightful.

The cherry. And you put like little sprinkles on there, too. Oh, yeah. This is the vibe. This is the sham The cherry. And you put like little sprinkles on there, too. Yeah, this is the vibe. This is the shamrock shake with vanilla vodka. That's what's in there. Oh, and a tiny bit of creme de menthe because that's what it calls for. But I didn't overdo it because I know you guys don't really care for the mint. I don't like mint that much.

I know. Mint is so mint chocolate chip. Get the fuck out of here. Too much. And it's strong to do creme de menthe. Like a little bit goes a long way. Oh, that packs a punch. That a little bit goes a long way. That packs a punch.

That's a lot. That's good though. This is a weird one for St. Paddy's. I feel like I thought we would just do like Irish whiskey because you would never drink this shit. This shit kicked out of you if you ordered this. You're not wearing that either. It's a special day. But yeah, no, you're right.

Nobody would order this. But no, wait, what's in this again? Sorry. This is good. So we have the vanilla ice cream, and I found the 300-calorie Max Vanilla Ice Cream. Oh, yeah. I did vanilla oat milk. Oh, we're going to lose a toe. Vanilla vodka.

Uh-huh. A little bit of that creme de menthe and green food coloring. That is one. It's the healthiest thing in here. Yeah, exactly. I've said it before. I'll say it It's the healthiest thing in here. Yeah, exactly. I've said it before, I'll say it again. I wish you were my mom. Yeah, apparently these have been around since like 1970.

Oh, okay. Did it start as an alcoholic drink? No, it was the Mickey D's drink. It started there. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Oh, Mickey D, McDonald's, Irish. Never put that together. Yeah, Ronald McDonald,? Yeah. So it's just... Oh, Mickey D, McDonald's, Irish. Never put that together.

Yeah, Ronald McDonald, red hair. There you go, ginger. It was just a green vanilla shake, really. They just, you know, needed to be festive for the holiday. Yeah. So it was just a seasonal treat, like the McRib.

Yeah, exactly. There's a little bit of that in there, too. Yeah. All right. You know, in Chicago, they dye that river that runs through Chicago or whatever. They dye that green. They have their own St. Patrick's Day.

That's how big of alcoholics they are in Chicago. Yes. And what's that awful shit they drink, that shot? Oh. What's it called? I know. Matt, I'm sure you can find it. No, it's like, it's god awful.

But I take a shot every time in Chicago. Yeah, it tastes like Malort. Malort. That's it. It's's so bad it's like cough drops you you make a face after it like you just found out you were adopted it's that that's the taste it's just it's like terrible yeah it's rough it's horrible multiple times i'll forget i've had it so i'll be in chicago they're like you gotta try my lord so someone will send it to me on stage and i'm like oh yeah i. And I take it, and I'm just like, kill me. Right, right. And the reaction gets a laugh.

And then, of course, years later, you do it again. You're like, oh, I've done this. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah. Look at that. There it is. The Chicago Green. I love it.

A lot of Irish over there. It's all shamrock shake. Yeah, yeah. That's why the people there look like they do. No, the Chicago people, man, are some of the, I would say, like. Great crowds. Top five comedy audience in the country. Easily, easily.

And what a great city. Oh, one of the best. Segregated quite a bit. Yeah. But a great town. There's some issues there for sure. Hearing a white guy say that, I already hate myself a little bit. Chicago's lovely.

Yeah. Go to the south side. Yeah, great time. I can't put it down. I know. It's going to be a problem. Yeah. Go to the South Side. Yeah. Great time. I can't put it down. I know. It's going to be a problem. Yeah.

This is what killed Patrice. He was at O'Neill. I actually saw him at the Irish show. I saw him there, too, at Comics. I think we were together. Yeah, yeah. That was, what, like? 11 years ago. Maybe more. Maybe more, yeah. Sean Donnelly hosted. That's right. That was a great show. there too at comics i think we were together yeah that was what like 11 years ago maybe more maybe

more yeah sean donnelly hosted that's right that was a great show yeah patrice r.i.p one of the best in the biz you do the thing that roasters do you know like remember like whenever you roast someone you're like anyway this guy looks like a fucking pig but uh but he's like what honestly you're one of the best guys I know. Love you, too. I love the sincere part of the roast, the tone shift. Also, I hope your kids get aged. But anyway.

Salt of the earth. Geraldo used to do it, and it was really half-assed. He'd be like, you suck. You're a hack. I never liked you. Why are you famous? But yeah, you're doing a great work. You're doing a great job on that.

He was so half-assed. He would just like roll through that last part. The best. But that is damn good. You made a hell of a shot. I couldn't make that in 20 years. You gave me an hour and a half. I couldn't make that. I did right before I came down. Did you want a side of whiskey with that? I mean, I might need it.

I can't believe I'm... I know, it's a lot. Usually you get like a Coke back or something to cut the taste. I might need whiskey just to cut the sweet. Cut the sweet. What kind do you like? This one right here? I'll fuck with some Elijah Craig.

Mark, you want to do a little Elijah? We got a seat for Elijah. Hell yeah. Is that a Jewish thing? It is. What is that? Passover. Passover.

Good job. Mark, well done. Who is Elijah? Eh. All right. He was in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Ah, okay. Anyway.

He's a guy who you hope shows up. Okay. I call him Dad. Anyway. But anyway, man. The vodka cuts this pretty good. I was in Sacramento all weekend. Oh, fun.

Great club. Shout out to Omar, Amber. Great with Molly. Great room. Great room. Great fun. Great club. Shout out to Omar, Amber. Great, Molly. Great room. Great room. Great staff. Great crowds. Yeah, it's a bitch of a flight.

But... I connected in... I get this. I connect in Seattle. I get... Why? Oh, gracias. Gracias.

Because there weren't many options. So you go up and then over. Yeah. But I got upgraded Delta One on that shit so i'm lifelike guess who's sitting next to me chris o'connor the comic the comic yeah the the shane gillis friend wait who am i thinking of yes that's him yes sorry sorry calling him the shane gillis friend they live together the same building same building sorry i've done his podcast yeah yeah great guy funny guy yeah we

oh dude we had a great time coming back it's like what a surprise you're next to a comic and then we're chatting for the first part then i was like we should do a movie and we're both taught he knows a ton about movies so we're talking movies oh wow and then i was like i want to see something i haven't seen he goes me too so we're like scrolling through we've seen a lot of this stuff on delta he goes oh the last duel is last duel was good. I was like, all right, fuck it. I'll do the last duel. And then he's scrolling. I'm like, you ever see sexy bees?

He goes, no. So he's watching his. I'm watching mine. Then we have like a little, it was like perfect little flight. That's like a sleepover almost. It was like a sleepover. He was in one? He was in Delta one?

Wow, good for you, Chris. You got to up your game, Mark. I guess so. You got to up your only flying with Delta status. I know, I know. You got the reserve card. Stick with him. I got it. I got it. Yeah, you, Mark. I guess so. You got to up your only flying with Delta status. I know, I know. You got the reserve card. Stick with them. I got it, I got it.

Yeah, you're right, you're right. I bought my last Delta flight with the reserve card, so I'm getting the points and everything. Good. But yeah, wow. What did you think of the last duel? It was good. It was good.

It's heavy. It's like Rashomon. Right. You know what's cool about that movie? And spoilers here. I mean, first off, so you're seeing it from other people's perspective. uh and it's like so you have to see a fucking rape twice yeah so you're like this is brutal and it's also like this i can watch this on a flight i know that's pretty the woman was incredible she was a oh yeah she stole the show name again jody comers is that

what it was what was her name last duel matt's amazing. It's kind of a feminist movie. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And it's still- I got it. Jodie Comer. Jodie Comer. And it still is relevant today.

Yeah, dude. And there's some badass action in it. That last scene was, you're like, that's fucking Gladiator Ridley Scott. I know. Pulling out some stops. Yeah. And Matt Damon's got the Theo Vaughn hair for some reason in it. Pull up a picture. Tell me he doesn't look a little bit like Matt Damon in got the Theo Vaughn hair for some reason in it. Pull up a picture.

Tell me he doesn't look a little bit like Matt Damon in The Last Duel. Well, it kind of looks like Theo, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, easy. It is a good movie. Wow, he does. Holy shit. Yeah.

Oh, man. I think that guy's in Rascal Flatts. But yeah, great movie. But Sexy Beast is a hell of a movie very stylized killer killer acting uh tense i love that movie loved so tense yeah i mean that movie uh there's a lot of crazy stuff in in the last duel and it's i mean some of that shit i mean so it built well yeah it was a good flick very good people should on mad damon and ben affleck but they're fucking awesome man no no they make good shit they do they do they

know what they're doing i mean ben affleck made that trash uh movie where he's the bartender i got like dean clooney recommended i got eight minutes in it's brutal bummer it's a bummer yeah by the way our pal is hosting the Oscars. Schumer. Schumer. Amazing. I've been writing jokes for all weekend. Really?

Yeah. That's fucking exciting. Who knows if I'll get one on, but I'm throwing them at her. Yeah, Amy, Wanda, and Regina King? Who is it? That sounds right. Maybe Regina Hall? King. Hall? Yeah. it that sounds right maybe regina hall king hall yeah king no hall hall i had it damn should have

stuck with my guns yeah that'll be fun but i got 18 jokes about being a karen i got uh all kinds of fun stuff every joke i'm sure is too harsh for the oscars but me and salicus we were watching some old oscars just to like get some some uh reference wild jokes like which ones did you watch we watched the someone like 92 billy crystal hosted crazy jokes i'm trying to think of some but damn it's like holy shit i can't believe they said that then yeah it's a different time different time no one watches anymore, too. It's kind of like people are over that shit. I know.

Because you know what the problem is? It got too preachy. It did. And it's like we always knew actors took themselves seriously, but no one's watching for an actor's opinion. No, no. Look, I admit it's hilarious that Marlon Brando trolled the Oscars by having a Native American woman read.

Like, that's hilarious. But when it becomes every actor being like, thank you, I got this award. But, like, listen, there's a lot of people hurting out there. Yeah. But just fucking, you read lines. I know, I know, exactly. It's brutal. It all turned into a big activist thing.

Except when Polanski won. That was shocking. Won. Remember when Polanski won that was shocking one that one polanski won like 20 2003 or something yeah and they all booed him i mean i mean why not you nominated them i know exactly i don't get it i mean uh but yeah you're right it became like a pat yourself on the back festival instead of movies yeah you know it should be about the great movie what's the best movie of the year now it's like hey are you being nice there should be a separate category best woke movie of the year and then there should be just like best movie genius and great call and then

there should be best comedy and there should be a best comedic actor you guys don't respect i've said it before eddie murphy for fucking nutty professor like that's harder than what a lot of dramatic actors i agree i agree yeah there's a reason why a lot of comedic actors go serious but no serious actor really goes comedy do they like yeah ryan gosling is great in comedies ah but he's not he can't do a dumb and dumber can he jeff daniels ah good point serious actor yeah all right good point. He's a serious actor. Yeah, all right. Good point. It can be done.

It can be done. I guess De Niro did it, too. Fucking hilarious. Meet the Parents, Midnight Run. Yeah. All right, I take it back. But he's kind of doing him in Midnight Run. Right.

I mean, like Mark Wahlberg in a comedy is still Mark Wahlberg, right? True. Yeah. Well, Mark Wahlberg is so silly. Ted is great. Ted's great. Remember we watched it in Vancouver? Love Ted. Love Ted, too. I didn't even see the second one

Ted 2 is darker even they go harder man these kind of actually work nice together yeah it's not bad little pairing the best pairing since Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan I'll tell you you're right yeah I had a little as well yeah you're having some whiskey too

the flavors are going together oh you're mixing it up yeah I had a little as well. All right. Yeah, you're having some whiskey too? The flavors are going together. Oh, you're mixing it up? Well, I just had a little bit of both. I like these hats. Yeah, the hats work. I feel like Laurel and Hardy here. This is great. Isn't it weird that people wore these in public at some time in history?

Yeah, speaking of Delta One, so I had an awkward moment. Me and the lady went down to the Virgin Islands. Ay-yi-yi-ya! Great time. The only problem is I was telling Jamie they roll their sidewalks up at like 9, so we'd be hammered at 8.30. Like, the whole city's shutting down. Damn.

So you just got to go back to your hotel room and sloppily go down on each other. It wasn't pretty. But great time. Beautiful views. It's a direct flight from Newark it's you're in paradise in three hours well can you get more opposite of Newark yeah exactly exactly and right when you get off the plane they're like island time you know they got the ladies in the full yellow dresses shaking the maracas you're like oh shit I made. And I flew there from Omaha, by the way. Brutal. But my point is, on the flight back, I got upgraded and she didn't.

And what do you do? Well, I took the upgrade. What am I going to do? You guys have been together long enough that that's not a thing. But if this was a new couple, you would have had to be like, no, I want to be with you. That's a good point. That's a good point. Here's my, what's the word?

Yeah. When you make a compromise. Here's my compromise. Not a good sign that it took him that long to figure that one out. Here's my compromise. So I was in the fourth row, which is the last row, and then it hits to Delta Comfort or whatever. She's in comfort right behind me. There's a curtain, you know, got to keep the plebeians out,

the scum, the peasants, and I would eat half the food and go, I hand it back. So I was helping the poor, you see? I was charity. So that kind of helped it. That helps. Yeah, I'd break off half the cookie and give her half. That's something.

That's something. As I said, you want to come up, sit up here for a minute, and I'll give you some wings. Wow. But she didn't want to come up. Was the trip good? Great trip. Great, beautiful place.

The beaches. It's a little more lawless there. You know, we got regulations up the ass in New York, you know. You can drink outside. There's people playing music. The beaches are insane it's great sounds great man the food we've got a catamaran we went out into the ocean that's fuck a lot of boozing during the day too you sent you sent some beach pics it looked nice

yeah yeah i was hammered at all those pics um but you know you're just sitting there on the beach getting drunk and so like people kept texting me pics. But, you know, you're just sitting there on the beach getting drunk. And so, like, people kept texting me, like, why are you responding so quick? You're on vacation. I was like, well, I'm just sitting here on the beach. Yeah, I know. I think I was one of those people. I was like, dude, enjoy yourself.

I know. You respond to all my texts like that. Or, you know, I would, like, tag you in something on Instagram. You'd like it immediately. I'd be like, Mark, come on. I forgot a book, too. That was a bitch. That's a big one.

A book on the beach is pretty nice. Huge. Hard to beat that. Hard to beat a book on the beach, because the sun is hard with the phone. You can't get the glare off and everything. But the books are so heavy. I get a Kindle. Kindles are worth it.

You have one? Yeah, I got Paperwhite. Paperwhite? Yeah, that's what they're called. Yeah, yeah, it's good. You got a Kindle? I don't. Maybe I'll get a Kindle.

It's worth it. No, I have a refurbished one it's just i forgot i had i got a good wreck actually okay uh the the book mind hunter by john douglas who was an fbi profiler there was a show mind hunter i saw it was a good show great show so you you know a lot of it then yeah but it's it's pretty cool some of the shit in the book is like crazy dude i mean he was one of the first like legit profilers yeah and uh i mean there's there was one story about uh he just knew a guy had a lisp oh yeah he was like i know this guy's a lisp and they're like how do you know he's like

i know he's insecure about something and i think it's a lisp and he was right he's like i can't be certain but i i have a feeling he just trusted his gut there's another one where a woman uh went to the bathroom and her son got she was in the bathroom for a long time in a public restroom and the son got kidnapped and they were questioning her and he was like he was like i got a feeling that that she didn't you know that that he's not kidnapped i have like a bad feeling and at first she said my son was kidnapped and he's like they never say that they always say my son's missing they don't want to admit to themselves that the son was actually kidnapped then there was another thing where he's like why would she use a public restroom for that long uh-huh knowing she had a son out there it's insane

then another thing like his midden came in the mail he's like that's not what people usually do when they abduct it was like too many things. Right. And he caught her. Yeah. And then she killed the kid. Whoa. Because she had a new guy who was like, I want to, you know. I love that.

I want to go to the discotheque. I don't know. Something like that. Yeah. Or he didn't want a fucking kid. It's crazy. But there's a lot of crazy stories in it. It's pretty cool. Rachel Feinstein was like, you got to read any John Douglas book.

He's the fucking man. She got me on the show, actually. That was who wrecked it to me. Mindhunter was the best Netflix show. Killer. And they just killed it. Did they? I mean, it didn't come back.

Nah, yeah, good point. Two seasons. I don't know what happened, but. And they brought that sexy CEO lady in at the end. Yeah. She was pretty. And that guy Holt, whatever his name is that that big guy the beefy guy yeah that guy was awesome he was great he's in nightmare alley oh yeah yeah

but he's yeah that guy is awesome nightmare alley that's where where you gotta go to get an abortion in texas that's one of my oscar jokes for humor yeah exactly i don't think that one's gonna make it on although it could be like one of those, ooh, you know? Yeah, and a bunch of women saying it might be a little different. That's true. I went for it. It's cool. Yay, man, mix it up.

Mix it up. You got to do it in their voice. They had Tina and Amy Poehler one year, right? Wasn't that the Oscars or was that the Golden Globes? I think both. Gervais did such a good job with it. It's hard to top Gervais. Hard to top Gervais.

And they should have hired him just to get the buzz. If they would have hired Chappelle or Gervais, everybody would be so angry they would watch. Because the numbers are through the floor. It could be a fun... It's kind of like how... Like hate-watching, you mean? Yeah, like Mr. Potato Head's like, we'll say we're genderless. Yeah, M&M's.

The Oscars brought to you by Mr. Potato Head and M&M's. Those are the sponsors. That would be you. They could host. Let Mr. Potato Head host it. Caitlyn Jenner presents Dave Chappelle hosting the Oscars. That's the show. Yeah. There's an ex-Oscar presented by Trump.

What the fuck? Dude, I watched Power of the Dog. It's fucking awesome. Killer. Loved it. That's a great movie. Great Western. You know my theory about Westerns?

What? Well, I just think they're so popular. Whatved it. That's a great movie. Great Western. You know my theory about Westerns? What? Well, I just think they're so popular. What is it? Yellowstone, Old Henry, Power of the Dog. There's another one that just came out that's blowing up. We're so tuned into these phones that you watch Western. It's on the open range. It's no electricity.

It's horses. It's enemies. It's territory. Primal. Something badass about riding a horse. Oh, you ever done it? No. You've never got on a horse?

A horse? No. I'll go fucking Christopher Reeve on that thing. Are you kidding me? I'm not lasting. I had a riff about how Putin rides a horse shirtless and how it's a badass thing. One of my riffs was like, can you even picture Biden in a shirt on a horse right now? It wouldn't be

powerful. You'd be like, dude, get him off. He's going to get hurt. That's true. I can't picture Biden on a tricycle. But maybe we'll get you on a pony. We'll start you low with a pony in Central Park. I'll hold the reins and then we'll get up to a

real horse. But it's scary. I always used to say, like, drinking and driving is crazy, but imagine drinking and driving a horse. How horrible would that be? And all these cowboys would be shit-faced all day. Yeah, well, the car is never just going to turn against you. Exactly. The horse has a personality.

But yeah, so. You've got to break a horse. Right. You've got to break it. That's like a whole thing. You've got to break its spirit, right? Yeah, a little bit. That's kind of a bum Right. That's like a whole thing. You've got to break its spirit, right? Yeah, a little bit. That's kind of a bummer.

It's kind of fucked up. Although, as far as animals go, it's one of the better treated animals, right? That's true. It's better to be a broken-spirited horse than just a fucking dead cow. Dead cow, yeah. If I was a cow, I'd just start walking to India. Get me to the sacred land. But you're right.

Then they get a sugar cube every now and then. Every now and then they fuck a farmer. I've seen the documentary. Or they get fucked. Or they get fucked. But I feel like a human dick is so small that it doesn't hurt them. Yeah, you're fucking the horse and the horse is like, this is doing nothing for me. Are you in yet?

We've all heard that one. You're like, oh, you fucking size queen. Fuck you, Seabiscuit. I just saw that on an old Jerry Springer thing, like a documentary on Hulu. It showed I married a horse. I brought a horse on Jerry Springer and kissed it and talked about fucking it.

It's just a normal day in the 90s. That guy was a working actor. He had his head shot. He's like, this will propel me. I'll be the horse guy. Woo. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I rode a horse when I was in Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts, so I had to ride horses. But my first time getting on a horse, I hopped up. The horses are so tall that when you're a kid, you hop up, and I had too much momentum, and I rolled right off the other side, cracked my neck. It was brutal. They're so tall, you forget.

Yeah. And then you don't know how to gallop it, and you're supposed to use your legs to hold your body up. And I didn't know that. So I was just sitting on it. And it's just my balls are smashing on the saddle up and down, up and down. And I eventually just fell off. Damn.

It's wild. Damn. I wish. I wish. Have you ever seen dressage? No, never heard of it. That's what Mitt Romney would do with the horses. It's like horse ballet.

Oh, really? I think I have seen this. Yeah, yeah. And they kind of dip down and pop back up. For those of you who think riding a horse is too manly, give this a whirl. Those equestrian ladies are pretty hot, though,

with the brown pants. I have a friend that bought a horse. Oh, yeah? Really? Instead of a car, yeah. What? That's a terrible... That's how they advertise cars. They're like, this has horsepower. Exactly. But a lot of horsepower.

Yeah. Yeah, what do we got? We got an ad here. You got to hate the YouTube ads. There we go. Skip ad. Is this the dressage? How do you know about this?

Because it was like a big thing that Mitt Romney did. Oh, binders of women. Oh, look at that little sidestep. There you go, sister. That'd be great if this turned into like you got served and the horse just was like, you know. Yeah, I need a moonwalk or something. It is a pretty horse.

I mean, these are beautiful animals. It's majestic. And I like that it looks like it's been in there for a while. It's got like the shin guards. Yeah. Looks like Patrick Ewing. Ha ha ha ha. I think they sleep standing up because their muscles are so strong that they don't even feel it.

Just standing there. Yeah. That's what I've heard. You ever seen a horse on its side? I don't know. Yeah, I have no idea. You have? Okay. Maybe I'm wrong. Sleep standing up! Oh, but they do sleep lying down. Oh, shit. Never mind. They have the ability to sleep standing up? Okay. Maybe I'm wrong. Sleep standing up. Oh, but they do sleep lying down. Oh, shit.

Never mind. They have the ability to sleep standing up. Okay. Well, one time my brother was in the Peace Corps in Africa. Oh, there you go. So we went to visit him. Oh, this is kind of sexy. Look at these little sexy positions.

If you had to bang a horse, which one are we looking at here, Mark? Are you going wide? Are you going a little caramel brown? I like that caramel. Remember Hotel's joke, a horse is the best animal to have sex with because you know you always have a ride home. That's one of the classics. That's a great one.

So, yeah, we went to Africa, and me and my dad are walking down the beach, and these African kids roll up with horses, and they go, da-da-da, whatever horses and they go, whatever. And they're like, you know how much, give us some money. We'll let you ride the horse. And I was like,

ah, no, I was like 19. I was like, I don't know. My dad's like, let's do it. Let's do it.

No saddle, nothing. And my dad rode down the beach like a bad-ass cause he grew up on a farm kinda. And then I jumped on one and it bucked me off in like 10 seconds and all the kids laughed at me that's a scary one though that was scary the wild uh wild african horses holy shit do we have any footage of that man pull up some footage of like horse rodeo i mean that looks fucking brutal yeah those black kids were laughing at me

reminded me back i was was like, I'm back at Publix. That looks insane. Well, that's crazy. Rodeo. It's amazing that still exists. I mean, that's like. Heath. Heath. That is bananas.

Eight seconds. I think it's still the record. Oh, geez. Hopefully it does better with the ladies. That is crazy. Look at that. Unreal. I would love to go to a the ladies. That is crazy. Look at that. Unreal. I would love to go to a rodeo.

Those people exist. You forget about them. Rusty Allen. Look at that, man. It's hilarious. They're just so committed to the hat. Maybe a helmet would be a good idea, right? That's true.

As a lady, does that do anything for you? It's pretty damn manly. Not the horses. The mechanical bull, I've seen some competitions in that that are impressive. At a bar? You're more impressed by that than what they're doing? She likes bars. I feel bad

for all the animals. I don't know. That's a good point. No one's getting hurt on that one. These cows would rather be chilling, eating grass. They get these horses fired up right before they send them out. They go, your mother's a whore. And that's how they get all fired up. Oh, my God.

Look at that. This is just bull riding here. I mean, this guy, you know, that'd be great if he could do that, but he just, he fucks for like two seconds and comes. I know, right? Every woman's got to make fun of him. Oh, my God. Like, imagine that life.

Oh, yeah. Like, you get older. That's no joke, that next morning Yeah Like I'm sore from flying I know right And I was in Delta 1 Yeah you're eating cookies and drinking beer Look at that, oh I got kicked by a hoof And we're like

They don't recline all the way The horses start stomping him put your mouth on the curb i'm like my charger doesn't work it's so true we're such pussies i had that this weekend we're such pussies i know oh dude i was in la i i did uh i did a cordon said doing those shows oh Oh, yeah. Let's hear about Corden. It's kind of fun. It was a good time. Oh, she watched. She worked one out.

It was fun. Yeah, we did. It's weird doing late night now, though, with like all the COVID tests you have to take, all the forms you have to fill out. You kind of don't want to bring anyone. Oh, good point. Yeah.

So, yeah, it was a whole thing. And then our buddy Ian Carmel was a head writer. He's the best guy. Good guy. Yeah. Funny guy. Oh yeah, super funny. He's on the show now.

He does like the riffing with Corden now up top. Is Nate Fernald still there? I don't know if he's still there. He was a writer when I did it. Yeah, he's a funny guy. Very good writer. Very good jokes. Corden does a thing that's so cool that not a lot of late night

hosts do where he'll come out and he'll be like uh you guys this is not a normal situation for a comic you better bring like not every late night host does that no no he's a sweet guy he's like you better laugh and like they they bring it oh that's nice did he chat with you in the in your room yeah yeah very nice he was i don't know if i should say this but he came into my room he was like it's good to see some real comedy i went to the improv the other night it is hack city and he's like a little cute british guy so he's like it is hack city over there you know with the accent and he was like every joke was what the fuck and am i right fuck me holy shit no punch lines i was like this guy gets it yeah but crowd was hot that's the hottest crowd in late he's like he's like it's all hacks am i right it's all born uh no yeah he's a very

cool guy he really is um yeah man i like that i did a couple improv sets and three actually oh nice improv i love the improv i like the improv great. Great room. Good there. Ran into Santino there. Hey. Followed Dane Cook. Whoa. You're like, this is LA, baby. This is Los Angeles. Wow. What was that like? He had a funny one.

He closed it. I didn't really catch all the set, but he had a funny one about murder. I was like, yeah. All right. He was good, yeah. Did he do like an hour? No. Actually, I heard that he goes long and he he was like got the light right

off okay maybe he was one of those dudes that like chapelle for a while was doing like five hour sets exactly there's no point of this no no five hours like think about watching a great three hour movie yeah like watching the godfather straight through you're like that was a lot yeah and this every frame was thought about. Yes, yes. And there's not a demanded reaction. Good point. Like, it's very crazy to me to do. It's crazy that people do that.

I don't get it. It's a little self-indulgent. It's a little selfish to the staff. The staff wants to go home. Sure. You're doing six hours? Come on. It's a lot.

It's a lot. But to each his anal. You got any Rex? I got a weird one. Hit me. All right. So I was in Sacramento as well a couple weeks ago, and something about California.

I just want to have a nice craft beer, and I had an Anchor Steam. Woo! You ever have an Anchor Steam beer? Yeah, it's good. Man, I love that beer. That's in my top three beers Something about the bottle shape

What are your other favorites? I like Sierra Nevada I like Anchor Steam I like Pilsner Urkel Pilsner's good I love it There it is I love that beer

I just said I gotta tell Sam about this beer It just hit the spot So good Yeah Pilsner I'm a Pilsner guy all day how about uh dogfish head i like dogfish that's a good beer yeah dogfish coney island uh pilsner is good too so yeah there's some great beers not your go-to though and it's not mine either we're more of like liquor guys i'm like an old man now i have a beer like one beer at the end of the night i'm

just like i sip it i i cherish the. Whereas I used to drink 20 of them. Oh my God. Yeah, it's like we used to, it's like jerking off four times a day versus like becoming older and you're like, let me light a candle. Let me enjoy myself. Yeah, jizz of my own stomach.

Exactly. You're a stomach jizzer, huh? Oh no, you're hand. Stomach? I'm hairy, Mark. Stomach's better than hand. No, it's not. I'm hairy.

Oh, good point. You're going to turn into a whole scotch tape situation you think i'm gonna jerk off of my stuff who does it who's who's that fucking late they're just laying down let me people do it yeah but he's a hairless uh he's one of hitler's uh aryan little boys he's half german that guy hitler would have loved the Stefano. Yeah, but that's like putting gum in a cat. You know, it's just hairy. It's a bad idea.

Tangled. Nah, it's not good. All right, all right, but yeah, what's your rec? My rec,

all right, I mean, I got a few, dude. Oh, please. I got one, all right,

fuck it. I haven't seen you in six years. Book of Mormon. Oh, come on. I just read. It's so good.

I took my mom, I saw it. i've just seen it too it's still going yeah it's still going oh i thought it was over no broadway's back and if you're in new york you should see a broadway show i will i'd love to go dude it's fucking hilarious my mom was the loudest laugh wow i mean i don't know why i'm saying it's a prize it's trey parker and matt stone but like i want to see it forever and i just never got around to it. And yeah, it's incredible. All right. I'll go see it. It's so fucking funny.

Are tickets crazy? They were pretty expensive. Because Broadway's back. I feel like it's going to hike up. There's an app I'll show you after. I wish you showed me. Yeah, you got an app. I got an app.

Yeah, no, it's so many good songs. There's one song in particular. That the people in the village sing? Yes. I mean, the premise, just to give real quick the premise is they're uh mormons and they're going on their mission and everyone wants to go um everyone wants like a cool place to go they're like china oh my god or japan yeah you know france and he's like i want and the main guy is mormon so he thinks orlando is the nicest place he's obsessed with orlando but uh but they end up getting uganda so that's the whole play that they're in uganda trying to convert these

people with horrible lives to become mormons got it and these these villagers sing them this this whole song and they think it's like a kuna matata the chant and it turns out they're screaming fuck you god oh so they're they find like we all have aids yeah they're screaming fuck you God we all have AIDS they're all yelling we have AIDS it's dark shit I sent it to my mom with the lyrics so she could like really see it and she was like oh my God thank you so much

I was listening to it on the flight and I was like part of me was like look I'm not like superstitious here but I am listening to fuck you God while on a flight maybe I should switch the switch the tune. Yeah. Wow. It's phenomenal.

All right. I'm in. Yeah. You never saw it? I never saw it. Well, first of all, Broadway. When this was on Broadway originally, I was broke. It was insanely expensive, too.

It was the biggest thing on Broadway since The Lion King. But now I feel like I can go. And it was Bobby Moynihan back then. Remember? No, it was Josh Gad. Josh Gad. Sorry. I get them mixed up. Chubby brunettes. But yeah. Alright. We have to call

a man a brunette. Yeah, what do you say? Just say brown hair. Brown haired. He's a brunette. Yeah. I don't know. It sounds so like kind of dainty for a man. Blonde works both genders. But brunette sounds I guess it works, but it's just, you know. No, you're right.

Anything with et. Et. Brunette, dudette, chubette. Dudette. Yeah. That was a section of clothing when I was a kid, chubette. That was husky for boys and chubette for girls. Should we do some news stories?

We've never done this on the pod. He doesn't have anything ready. Should we? I mean, we don't have to. We could do other stuff too It was Matt's idea To break out some News stories

Could do a peeve too I could do a peeve You wanna do a peeve for us? I could do a peeve I got eight peeves I got a lot of peeves I had nine today I got so many peeves

Oh yeah I got so many peeves My dick doesn't work I'll tell you Alright We Might Be Drunk Is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy

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We're in Sacramento. Yeah, really smart stuff. Yeah. And also a great hang. We're in Sacramento, and we go to Old Sac, which is cool. It's kind of fun. You got to do it. Old Sac, we find a cool little brunch spot, and I go, oh, what's the, can we get a table?

And they go, we have a two hour and 45 minute wait and i'm like just say you're full right don't fuck two hour it's like it's like literally hitting on a married woman and she's like i've been married for six and a half years just say unavailable yeah i'm gonna wait three fucking hours for breakfast tacos good point we don't need the full who Who's going? I'll wait. By then it'll be dinner. I know. What are you, crazy? Yeah. Yeah, good catch. Infuriated

me. Yeah. I'll tell you. How about this one? My lady does this one and I hope I haven't done this peep before, but I'm laying in bed, sleeping and she goes, you awake? Are you awake? Well, I am now. You woke me. I wasn't awake. You can't just ask, are you awake? I thought the you woke me i wasn't awake you can't just ask are you awake i thought the peeve was gonna be she tries to get food for me when i'm in first

class it's pretty rude uh no that's that's that's a definite peeve i am awake now because you woke me up i'm i'm i'm your girlfriend in in my relationship oh you're you're a waker i'm the one who's like are you are you i'm because i'm the one who's always up ah and i'm just annoyed that i'm alone at that point i'm like i'm like come on that's her too no it's look yeah you would be the dude i could see you falling asleep easily no i mean i don't sleep i don't sleep well so that's why i get so angry because when i'm asleep and you wake me i'm like it's ruined i'm done now oh God. It's hard to get back to sleep. Yeah. So are you awake? Just look at me.

I'm snoring. You're doing the thing that wakes a person up. Exactly. Gah. Drives me crazy. It's like when someone hits you, like, that hurt? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It'd be like if I was pissing and there was water, there's urine hitting the bowl. And I'm like, you pissing? You done pissing? No, I'm pissing. Ooh, I don't like people. Here's's a peeve and you just made me people who uh are pushy when you're peeing if you're in there a long time i'll give you the aggressive knock sure but if you're in there peeing and they're aggressive i'm like hey i just got in here right i just i'm just getting warmed up pacino and now

you can't pee comfortably because now you're like oh shit, shit, I'm rushed. It's a bad pee. It's a bad pee. It's like Chris Rock's joke. You ever try to rub one out real quick and somebody's knocking on the door? You're like, that's a bad jerk. It's true. You want a clear head with a urine or a jerk. Yeah, you don't like pushing out a pee because at the end you get that little sting.

I hate the sting. Awful. In other words, a pinch and a piss, too. Ugh, a pinch piss. How about this one? This is a comedian thing that drives me crazy, and I'm going to hurt some comedians here, but I'm done with it.

I hate it. You should stop doing it. The comic who goes, so, you know, it's some arbitrary thing, like, I just turned 33. Oh, no claps there. Like, no, we don't care you turned 33. Who gives a fuck?

It's a worthless age. It's not an accomplishment. And you just turned. It's not even your birthday. Like, get out of here with that. Yeah, when you're saying nothing. Yeah. Just going, applause hunting.

What are you doing? I won a gold medal in the Olympics. Oh, okay, okay. Hey, I killed Bin Laden. All right, there we go. Now we're talking. I had triplets. Team six gets applause. Yes. I killed Bin Laden. All right, there we go. Now we're talking. I had triplets. Team Six gets applause.

Yes! I'm not applauding for you turning an age. Another one. Some of you will get this in the crowd. It's my birthday. Hey, if I'm talking to you, if I'm doing crowd work with you and you say it's your birthday, I'll fucking buy you a drink, whatever you fucking need. But if you just yell out, it's my birthday, hey, guess what?

We all have birthdays. Bad people have birthdays. Serial killers have birthdays. Am I supposed to celebrate for them too? Exactly. And this is why you're at a comedy show, not your own fucking party, because you have no friends. They're usually with friends.

That's true. But don't come to a comedy show on your birthday. I'm sorry. Hey, here's for your fucking birthday right here. There you go. For all the birthdays. Don't yell it out anymore I got another one for you

Cause it's raining outside Yep Nearly fucking melted In my leprechaun costume Uh huh But I Is that leprechauns Or gremlins

Gremlins Alright nevermind You can't get them wet You can't get them wet Much like Jamie No We were both going for it I heard it like

Fuck Wait till I have another one There you go That's kinda like You're in a Western. You see the guy go for the gun and you're like, I got me shit. All right. It's raining outside and I'm like, you know, walking behind people. I don't use umbrellas.

I'm not an umbrella guy. Me neither. I'd rather get wet. Same. If it's fucking pouring, I'll be crafty with my moves. Yes. Umbrellas I always lose. What's the point of an umbrella?

It's another thing to carry. Then it stops raining. You're the jerk off. Because we'll sometimes be out of the house for hours. Right. So I don't like that. Slow walkers in the rain. Oh.

What are you doing? What is that? It's raining. What is that? Crazy. I'm dodging umbrellas like the Matrix out there, by the way. It's crazy. Those pointy things.

We've got to stop the points on the umbrellas. It's insane in that. Why are they so pointy? I don't know. I have that clear dome. The dome is nice because it's individual. Yeah, you don't poke people in the temple. Right.

These people are out there with a giant, it's like throwing stars. It's like a weapon. Yeah, I saw a guy spinning one. I was like, what, are you trying to fucking kill me? I know, exactly. So yeah, I'm with you on that. New York in the rain.

It gets pretty tense out here. How about this one? This is annoying when people go, you see that? You see that movie? Let's just make up a movie. Hey, you see that movie, The Brown Bear? I don't think I saw it. You know, The Brown Bear with the bear?

Yeah, I don't think I caught it. You saw it with Matt Damon and Bill Cosby. I don't think i caught it you saw it with the uh with matt damon and uh then bill cosby i don't think i caught that was a good one although i slept through most of it but but you know you you saw it i'm like i didn't see it get to the point of the story i don't care about your story anyway but i'm all right now we're off on me making sure i saw it i didn't see it what a crazy thing to be like you saw it come on i know you saw it it was everywhere i'm like i didn't see it yeah no it's annoying the pushy needs you to just be on board every step of the way just tell the story tell me the thing about the movie i'm ready the brown this is fucking good you see you

come around on these yeah i mean it's like i, I'm just drinking a fucking pint of ice cream. I felt like it was wrong. I came from a pizza contest where I had to eat a ton of pizza. There you go. And now I'm like, I mean, this is going to be, my toilet is going to be begging for its life when I get home. Oh, yeah. You're living the life of a nine-year-old. You're eating pizza all day, and then you're dressed in a costume and having milkshakes.

Later, I'll play with trains. That'd be great. Should we do some news stories? Let's do it. All right. I got two work to do. Oh, boy, Matt, why'd you have to pull this one? Victoria's Secret Down Syndrome model.

So Sophie Giroux is the first model for VS. Oh, Victoria's Secret. It wouldn't be me. Oh, yeah. With Down Syndrome. uh for for vs of victoria's secret uh with with oh yeah with down syndrome is it okay to be sexually attracted to a mentally handicapped person well it better be okay because i've already finished but my point about this is first of all she's got a mild case i'd say but also i feel bad for the girl who didn't get it like who auditioned and was it was it all down syndrome people was it no i think it was open casting so the girl who didn't get it it's like what i didn't get it who got it you don't want to know that she's very pretty she's

pretty she's she's some real eye candy and i heard that's what they paid her in but uh you know that was it that's all i got i'm out i'm you know, that was it. That's all I got. I'm out. I'm out. I'm pulling out. All right, what's the next story? What's the next story? They're trying to be very woke with the modeling.

Yeah. They got a vitiligo model in Sports Illustrated. You're going down all the way. What are you doing? I saw that. Yeah. An alopecia model, too. Oh, they got an alopecia?

Yeah. Damn. You should text her. I heard she's down to fuck. Downs to fuck. I have to create a disorder for the next casting all right metaverse boxing match uh khabib versus max holloway so mma stars fight in a virtual boxing match held in facebook's metaverse khabib has been retired from the mma since uh making the promise to his mother when his father died unexpectedly. This is his first fight since March 2021. Khabib won the exchange.

Mostly put for, yeah, this is so weird. It's weird. I worry about this shit because we're already lazy. Everything's already delivered to our house. Uber eats. And now we're going a step further with like porn is now meta. And we're going to start going into a meta comedy show we're gonna be out of work well i think yeah i mean this is like this is gonna show what big pussies we become too

yes we're like oh you want to take it outside uh and by that i mean to our computers yeah we're not yeah i'll fucking i hope i kick you i don't know how my demo character is yeah i think it's good exactly you talk about riding horses. Now it's going to be like, yeah, I ride horses, and then put the goggles on, and they ride a horse. It's not the same. You need the touch, the feel, the risk. Yeah. I don't think comedy is in danger.

I mean, we saw that with the pandemic. People want to go. I hope you're right. I don't think so. I mean, cut to a year later, we're like, I hope you saved, Mark. Yeah. Because people don't want to leave their home. What do we have? We're all going to be buying green screens real soon. What else?

Weird Daniel. Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter will be playing Weird Al in a new biopic that's, oh, wow, opening act, Emo Phillips. That's cool. Hey, I love Emo. Love it. Yeah, that's- Holy shit.

It's so weird because he's like a serious actor and it's just not who you would think would... It's like if... My friend does his makeup, so I haven't seen it yet. Wow. It's like if Daniel Day-Lewis was playing Baba Booey. You're like, what? I love Weird Al, but it's like a weird thing.

Look at that. He looks like a cross between... That's my dad in the 80s. He's kind of got a little bit of... I'm trying to think. Who does that look like? He looks like a guy who you pay to fix your TV, but he

ends up jerking off in the bathroom. Doesn't he? It's a weird look over there with the weird Al. Great head of hair. I guess he's kind of got a there with the Weird Al. Great head of hair. I guess he's kind of got a little screech in him. Yeah. And a screech fucked Ron Jeremy, maybe.

But good for Radcliffe because he's going against the grain. If that happened, it wouldn't have been consensual. I'll tell you that much. He needs a style change, though. He's so in debt to Harry Potter and he's so known as that. Right, right. He's got to cut loose. Looks a little pedophilic. I mean dude I loved

Weird Al like eat it. Eat it. The food album was the best. Food album spam. Killer. Bangers dude. I met him. He's the sweetest guy. My bologna. I'm bad. All the 80's stuff. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm really really fat.

He owes a lot of credit. I mean dude dude, Beat It is the cashiest song. Oh, yeah. Eat it. Eat it. Oh, Amish Paradise, too. Amish Paradise is brilliant. Yeah. Pretty fly.

Did we skip some? Oh, wait. Lowest grossing movie. I've never heard of this. Z-Y-Z-Z-Y-X Road. Is that a new gender? All right. $30 starring Katherine Heigl and Tom Sizemore.

That's not possible. $30. Holy shit. You would think that the producers would just buy a few tickets to kill her. What the hell? People hate that Heigl. They don't like her. Yeah.

Sizemore, I love. She still looks good, though. She looks great. Whoa. Damn. Okay, I'm thinking about renting this already. Yeah wait now. Maybe not anymore. It does look a little shoddy Where they shoot this up who's name this movie flip phone. That's a very important. Yeah, the name is what killed it sweet I think Elon Musk named the movie after his daughter

Yeah, this looks... This is like the Blair Witch Project. I mean, this is like a shot horribly. It's very grainy. It's very camcorder-y. You could have made way more money if it was just her in a bikini for a while. That's true. Even Sizemore in a bikini might have pulled more money.

Because you'd be like, wait, what? Yeah, exactly. I'll click on that. Sizemore had a run. might have pulled him. Because he'd be like, wait, what? Yeah, exactly. I'll click on that. Sizemore had a run. He had a run, saving Private Ryan. He went to rehab, though. I think, yeah, I heard he put him back. He'd be a good guest.

I would love to have him on. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this looks like shit. It does look bad. Leah Grillo, Tom Sizemore. Oh, he got put behind Grillo. Yeah, I gotta put behind Grillo yeah I think people just don't like her

I guess well Anne Hathaway's working yeah I would say absolutely isn't she an Oscar winner she is she's fucking working I think people just don't like Anne Hathaway's essence or something I think it's more like where it's like her. I think people just don't like Anne Hathaway's essence or something.

I think it's more like where it's like her, they think they just actually don't like. Yeah, Hathaway's got a little let me speak to your manager look. And also it's like she's very like she's such, I don't think people like actors who are that much actors. Yeah. I think they want you to like, she seems like the way like Pete Buttigieg seems like he was made in a lab

for politics, that's what she seems like, the way like Pete Buttigieg seems like he was made in a lab for politics. That's what she seems like she was. I can't get that one out because of your fucking ice cream shamrock shake. Woo, baby. What else do we have? Did we miss anything else? I feel like you went by some, I think, Matt. Weird Al.

Oh, yeah. Look at that. All right. Love is Blind. Season two of, I've never seen this show. Season two of Netflix. Reality series about finding love without seeing the other person premiered last week. Can love really be blind? Are they blind?

I'm sorry. No. They're in different rooms. They can only hear each other. Oh. There's a guy on them. There's not a great payoff if they're actually blind, Mark. They're just like, I don't know what you look like.

And at the end, I still don't know what you look like and at the end i still don't know what you look like there's a guy on this season that seems mental though oh really somebody said on tiktok that it seems like he's what big would have happened in real life like he made a wish and he's actually eight years old because he doesn't really seem like an adult oh interesting well i gotta say his name, Pete Lee? Oh, this guy. The one that Chris is talking about. We love you, Pete. We'll say you look like him. Oh, yeah.

I can see it. Oh, yeah. Look at that. He's got a little vibe there. I will say, if you're hearing a lady and not seeing her, that's kind of the worst of everything. Oh, wow. They wound up together. Took a stretch.

I took a leap. No, no, no. That was funny. I was looking at the picture. That was good. Should we do another story? What else? Olympics.

I forgot the Olympics were on. I just don't care. No one cares. There's a doping thing, and I'm like, I don't care. I will say, I can watch curling for three days. Really? It's like soothing. You just like her hair.

It's like cathartic. i don't know i just lay back it's relaxing yeah eileen goo and zoo yee both born in the united states i call my jizz eileen goo it's a girl uh born in the united states have decided to compete in the olympics on the chinese team this has caused some anger from groups upset. Them turning on, that is a weird move there. I don't love it. Yeah, I mean, it's, there's so, you would think you just want to play for, but this is like also kind of like part of this new progressive thing where like, will I identify

as this? Right. But it's like, but you were born here. It's weird, right? It's a little weird, but I guess obviously they're Asian descent. Of course. Yeah. But it's like, but you were born here. It's weird, right? It's a little weird, but I guess obviously they're Asian descent. Of course, yeah. But yeah. I mean, that'd be weird if they were like, you know. German.

I just want to play on China really badly. Right. Did you hear about the skier with the frozen penis? What? Pull it up. There's a skier from the Olympics with a frozen penis. Did it freeze in the race? I didn't read the story, but the headline got me. They found it inside his body.

I've heard of a frozen egg. Remy Lindholm is the name. Wow. Wait a minute. At least he's hard. Damn. Did it freeze out there? Oh, Matt agreed to that pretty quick.

Remy Lindholm, Winter Olympian,ers unbearably Painful Frozen penis After cross country Skiing race So it was The race was that long And it froze his cock I like that it says Like unbearably

It's like yeah I think frozen You had me at frozen penis It doesn't sound good Good point My feet fall asleep I'm like fuck Oh yeah

Damn Wow look at his face He's got ice on it or something. It's funny to be going down the hill being like, my dick. Man, frozen cock. I've never heard of this. Yeah. How about that?

Frost bitten. Yeah. Frozen cock. Sounds like a Thai dessert. All right. All right. Well, fun news story. We got a new little segment here folks any uh any peeves oh we did we did peeves wait how far in are we i don't want to go to a bit too

early what are we at there peters oh jeez i flew by i mean i got a few ideas frozen dick who knew frozen dick hey that was a good new segment yeah i like that good segment really seems to care Jeez, that flew by. That flew by. I mean, I got a few ideas here. Frozen dick. Who knew? Frozen dick. Hey, that was a good new segment. Yeah, I like that. Good segment. Really seems to kid. All right, all right. What do you got?

Any bits we should try? I got a bit. I got a couple ideas. What do you got? All right, help me out with this one, you two. So it's, you know, I hate how divided the country is. I hate how splintered everything is isn't it weird that we have two news stations that tell you the same story but with a different take

like just tell me the news the news should just be facts black and white tell it to me why do i have your opinion your spin thank god they don't do this with the weather wouldn't that be horrible if they had two different weathers you know like let's check let's check the, we're going to the beach tomorrow, let's check the liberal weather. Hey, it's going to rain all day because you fuckers won't take climate change seriously, and somehow this is Joe Rogan's fault. What the fuck? All right, fuck this, let me check the alt-right weather or the right-wing weather.

And they're like, hey, grab your boots because it's a 100% chance of storming the Capitol. All right, I don't know if that's anything. They'll be hailing and hiling. Oh, this is good. You like that? I don't know. Have's anything. They'll be hailing and hiling. Oh, this is good. You like that? I don't know. Is it a stretch? Have you tried it?

I've tried it, but it's a lot. It's a mouthful, so I haven't really said it smoothly. Hailing and hiling. That kills. Yeah. Hailing and hiling, but I don't know. Is storming the Capitol, is that connecting? Did that not hit?

It does okay. I don't think everybody's getting it. A lot of people don't watch the news anymore. They're too depressed. That's true. Who doesn't know about the Capitol? Come on. I know about that.

Storming. I figured I had a connection with the storm weather. Yeah, of course. All right. That totally works. All right. I'll keep it then because I was nervous about it. I like that.

I had a bit. I don't think it's the same, but it was about how I was working on how when you're arguing with your girlfriend, you just can't find middle ground. It's almost like if a person, she only watched Fox News and I only watched CNN. And then of course we can't agree on a reality. This is your show and this is mine. Right. I think it's different though. That's totally different, but that's a good angle yeah yeah it's so true because two people watch the same story on the news but

different channels and they have a different completely different take on it and then our therapist that we buy we both find therapists and like well like my therapist thinks that uh cnn's pretty good she's like well my therapist only watches fox right right you know it's like yeah you find people you start align yourself with people who just agree with you exactly you watch uh cnn they're like this kyle rittenhouse guy's crazy comes here with a machine gun and you watch fox news like this hero yeah you know whatever carlson's holding him like a baby he's like look at you little baby little baby kyle so it's just weird like you could also do this thank god You could also do this with sports teams.

You know, like, oh, we're for the Bengals, so we thought they won. I love how you called them the Bengals. What do you call them? The Bengals. Oh, Bengals. They're the Tigers. Oh, sorry, the Bengals are the walk-like in a gym. Whoops, sorry. Well, I also love,

shout out to the Rims, who went to the Super Bowl. Mark's favorite sports team is the cars. All right, what do you got bit-wise? I got a couple ideas I can't crack. So I have one. I don't know if I've run into this before. I knew a kid who committed murder growing up. Did I tell you this?

Okay. It was a big news story. He murdered a woman. I know him well, but I knew him well enough that it was shocking. On purpose? Yeah, dude. Oh, wow. He strangled her. It was horrible. What? Yeah, it was a terrible, terrible story. And

I was talking to a friend about him. And my friend, because we both, we actually weirdly met through him. Because he just, like, had a thing at a bar and we met and I was like, he's one of my, this other guy's one of my best friends now. Whoa. And it turns out I know other people that know him. But the murder

guy i played hoops with him a few times we weren't close but like it's shocking yeah so the angle is i'm on the phone my friend and he's like man you know when i know when i knew when that guy was a piece of shit he told me to come all the way uptown to see a movie and then he bails on me five minutes before with a three-word text and i was like what i got news for you uh you got off easy i don't know if you heard what happened he's not he's not doing in time in prison for being a bad movie buddy and then there's this angle of like this other guy was like well you got to visit him in prison i was like no i wasn't even that close to him he's like well you got i mean you can't be a fair weather friend i was like if the weather's murdering people i think it's okay to

say fuck the weather. Right. Yeah, exactly. I don't know how to do this part, but like if there's a hurricane, you evacuate. Yes. If you stay put, you're a fucking idiot. That's good. Yeah, you don't go into the storm. Yeah.

Yeah, that's funny. I don't go into the storm thinking like maybe it's changed. I don't know. It's been a little while. Yeah, it'd be nice if there was a weather report on how your friend's doing. Like, is he still a murderer? Ooh, that's good. Weather on, girlfriend weather app.

Yes. Yes. I think that's an old, is that a bit? No. I thought you had that bit about girlfriend weather. It'd be nice if you could check it. Not me. Oh, okay.

I tried a bit. I never did anything with it. I wish their stories were like calling an Uber, and you could be like, all right, eight minutes left, and then you look down, you're like, 16 minutes now. How did that get longer? Oh, that's great. I never did anything with that shit.

That's good. Really? Yeah, I like that a lot. All right. Then you could write the story at the end. That's funny. Yeah. The murder thing is so crazy.

That's insane that happened insane horrible you know a murderer horrible yeah at least he was caught yeah

wouldn't that be weird if you knew he was a murderer and he was still out there he's like do you want to hang out and I'm like I'm not coming I'm not seeing a movie with you

I'll tell you that much yeah maybe your friend's lucky he bailed on the movie he might have been next I'm like how angry did you get with him? Yeah.

Woo. Yeah, you're like, I was going to go visit him, but I choked. All right. A little dark. I don't know. That's a heavy premise, too. Is it heavy? Because you're dealing with a death.

Murder. Yeah. Fuck. Man, but that's great, the movie thing. Maybe. You know, like. Yeah, I like what you have about the cable news, like how, like, thank God the weather.

It should just be facts. Tell me what's what. Maybe there's like a really, really right wing. There's like a Newsmax version of it. And it's like, you know, you're Jewish, you're burning in hell and you're like, Jesus.

Right. Right. Oh yeah. Wear sunscreen because you're going to hell. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny.

Is there anything about how, like when you were a kid, you know, I'd watch the news to see if I could go skateboarding the next day. So I'd watch the weather and then it would say,

it's going to rain all day. And then you wake up in the morning, it was sunny. And I'd be like, mom, it says it's going to rain. They're like, you can't trust the weather and then it would say it's gonna rain all day then you wake up in the morning it was sunny and i'd be like mom it says it's gonna rain they're like you can't trust the weather those guys don't know that's interesting so yeah now that feels like the news yeah they're like this guy's a racist and you're like well let me read the story yeah you used to hear this guy's a racist you're like oh my god that's yeah well don't you wish the news had the same pull as the weather where the weather's like, it could change. It could change. You know, Fauci's like, why can't I get that? Exactly.

Maybe there's something about that. That's good. I don't know. Yeah. I always said Fauci was like the COVID groundhog. God. Anytime he pops up, six more weeks. We're all getting sick of him. I think so. I think there's going to be a hell of a documentary about this in 10 years. This whole COVID.

Hopefully it's 10 years. I think it's two or three might be two or three even better yeah a lot of shit's gonna come out oh although aren't we all sick of this shit oh yeah i'm going to wuhan next year i gotta yeah they got a good funny bone there i'm playing the wuhan funny bone yeah my features are bad and uh it's a wet market over there. You got any bits? I had something that... Wait, seriously? I mean, if you want.

Oh, shit. I mean, it's real. So I lost my virginity one month after 9-11. Oh, terrorist? Exactly. Are you able to forget? Okay, so that's the thing. Was it two towers or one?

Write the bit for me. No, yeah, so it was just, I was a vulnerable time. He played hacky sack. He had a lazy eye. So clearly I just kind of picked whomever because I just didn't want to die a virgin. Right. Yeah, there was like that whole thing of like never forget for 9-11. But like with that, it was like I didn't want to remember so like never remember ah that's similar

yeah you kind of nailed it something there yeah is he nine inches or 11 all right yeah there's something there there's something there the whole forgetting thing let me block it out yes i'll block it out right he was the first responder maybe you called somebody he showed up first yeah i like remember losing your virginity was uh that was a big deal maybe maybe like afterwards he evacuated the building oh that's good there were no jews in the building yeah um all right there's a lot of rubble when he left it was rubbleble and fire. He ruined it. Everyone suffered from the aftermath. Oh, yeah.

I had the long-term effects. I'm sick now. Yeah. I deserve compensation or something. Aha. Oh, yeah. Compensation. I like it.

You're traumatized from the experience. You got in a cab, went uptown. Were you guys here for that? Yeah. I was in school. Whoa. Midtown? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, I remember I had a teacher give us a pop quiz the day of, and we knew that we were under attack. It was crazy. I remember being like, are you fucking kidding me? Wow. Yeah, we were furious. Damn.

And my dad picked me up. We all lined up to donate blood and but that's new york is like the lines were too long like everyone was like we'll donate blood you know yeah it was more like it was like it's not like you need that much blood for that it was more like this is we're fucking here yes we're helping yeah community i remember the greg geraldo remember the greg geraldo bit about like he knew the terrorists didn't win when he saw his first bachelorette party after 9-11. Just a bunch of women like, I don't care what those fucking Mexicans did.

Oh, that's great. I do remember that. Yeah, a lot of like brown guys and like Indian and stuff like that, they were just fucked with hard, even in New Orleans. That got ugly. Yeah, it was ugly. It was awful. A lot of black guys were like, they're the new N-words.

That was a big bit after 9-11. All right, well. Any dates to put? When did this come out? Oh, we got dates. We want to pull up our shit, dude. Oh, yeah. Oh, any dates to put? When did this come out? Oh, we got dates. We want to pull up our shit, dude. Oh, yeah. Oh, how's the beacon cooking?

I think we're done. Oh, my God. That's incredible. I think there's like 10 to 15 singles left. Okay. It's just singles, but I think we're, I mean. Is that what they plugged on? I mean, by the time this comes out, it'll be sold out.

Is that what they plugged on? Gordon? Yeah, but. this comes out, it'll be sold out. Is that what they plugged on? Corden? Yeah, but that's a good plug. Yeah, it's a good plug. He was cool about it. He was like, oh, it's the best venue, you know? Yeah. They say the beacon is like the Wilbur, almost, for New York.

Yeah. All right, I'm in Tampa, Florida. I'm in Louisville, Kentucky. I'm in Dania Beach, Florida, whatever whatever that is i'll be there too soon oh night paramount theater in austin for a moon tower phoenix arizona uh addison improv and in texas i love that club i go every year classic classic great club outside of dallas all kinds of fun dates out to lunch on youtube special uh stand-ups on netflix give it a whirl check out the patreon we got uh columbus uh funny bone salt lake city wise guys comedy club great club brea improv in

california beacon theater i assume will be sold out unless we added one i don't think we will nashville tennessee uh zany's albany Bone, Toronto. We added another show there for the Bluma Appel Theater there. And we got East Providence, Rhode Island, The Comedy Connection. We got all kinds of shit coming up. Yeah, can't wait to see you guys on the road. Tampa, Cleveland, all that bullshit. And probably Chicago soon, too, so keep an eye out. Hey, yeah, Chicago, Raleigh, fun stuff in the mix.

What do we got on merch, Peter? Is anything cooking? Oh, it's cooking. Oh, yeah, Chicago, Raleigh, fun stuff in the mix. What do we got on merch, Peter? Is anything cooking? Oh, it's cooking. Oh, yeah. Look at that. We might be drunk pod.com or we might be drunk pod.com. Look at us. We're adorable in those tuxes, man. We have a website. I had no idea. Hey! I didn't know this either. Look at all that

merch. Koozies, t-shirts, coasters, bottle openers. Oh, whiskey's coming soon. Oh, that's right. I just did Hey Babe and I plugged the hell out of the whiskey. Hell yeah, dude. So it's coming. That'll come out in a while, but yeah. We're gonna be selling some hot

rye, folks, so buckle up. Alright, thank you. Hit the website. Patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunkPod. Make sure to review us. Follow the We Might Be Drunk Instagram. Follow us. See us on the road.

So much good stuff cooking. Good stuff cooking. You might have a special. Who knows what's going on. Jamie, what are you plugging? I have shows in New York. Definitely the March 6th and 13th. I always post on my Instagram, JamieSamanthaLynn.

Oh, there you go. It's spelled the Jaime way. J-A-I-M-E. Hell yeah. Got it. Got it. And website or anything? No, not yet.

Help me. Insta? What's that? Insta? Did you do Insta? Yeah, JamieSamanthaLynn. Oh, sorry. I've been drinking.

All right. We love you guys. Keep telling friends about the pod Jamie Samantha Lee. Oh, sorry. I've been drinking. All right. We love you guys. Keep telling friends about the pod. Happy St. Paddy's. Stay safe. Luck of the Irish. Top of the morning. Paddy, old blue-eyed devil.

What are the, I don't know any of the Irish stuff. We did an Irish cheer. Put up an Irish toast at the end there. We'll say it here on the screen. Just play us out with a Dropkick Murphys or something. Boondock Saints is overrated. Awful. Awful movie.

I posted that on an Instagram story and I got so much hate. Like, fuck you, that movie rules. Exactly. All right. To all the days here and after, may there be filled with fond memories, happiness, and laughter. May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future. Woo!

Always remember to forget the things that made you sad, but never forget to remember the things that made you glad. Boy, these guys aren't known for their rap. Always spit on your dick before you get hard. Yeah. That's a weird one right there. Holy shit. If you're gonna have sex with Victoria's Secret model,

go for the Down Syndrome one last. Maybe in heaven with a full half hour before the devil knows you're dead. Dance as if no one were watching, sing as if no one were listening, and live every day as if it were your last. I mean, all right, we're getting a little cliche here. Leave frozen dick. Why are people always dancing like no one's watching? At some point, people are going to watch.

You might want to work on those moves. I agree. I'll tell you. Yeah. May we all be alive at the same time next year. Jesus Christ. This guy's getting a DUI. The last one's just, I hate you, Mom.

You're like, Jesus. It's crazy. All right, to all the small dicks out there and the patio potato. That's a great Brian Kiley joke. And, you know, I am really Irish. My blood, what do you call it? Blood type? Blood type is O apostrophe.

Great joke. That's good. He's good. He's got some great ones. He's got some classics. He's like, my name is very Irish. Not as Irish as my friend, Potato McSmallpenis. Oh, that's good uh he's good he's got some great he's got some uh classics he's like my name is very irish not as irish for my friend potato mcsmall penis oh that's classic all right now i'm just doing his act all right all right you're all right thank you guys top of the board and

take it easy Fender, a bit of Pivorette, you know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking pump. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming, and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same way We might

be true