We Might Be Drunk - EP 67: Chris DiStefano & The Muddy Martini

Episode Date: March 21, 2022

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We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah. Hey, hey folks, here we are, we might be drunk, We're here. We're queer. And Sam's making some cheer. We got Sam Morrill on the blower. And our pal, you know him, you love him, Chrissy D. Chris DiStefano, Chrissy Bitchips. Call him what you will. How are you, Chris?

What's up, everybody? How you doing? You look sharp. You look sexy. You look shiny. Yeah, but you know what it is? Here's the slime I am. It's like you think that it's like this nice, you know, expensive outfit.

The jacket's from H&M. The jeans are all navy. And I'm wearing a Budweiser shirt. So I just – It looks good, dude. I'm all about hiding it. You look like Tom Hardy or some shit. Really?

Yeah, you look good as shit. I think Tom Hardy's the – I think – here's what I'll say about Tom Hardy. He's the actor – because, you know, everyone says like, oh, oh, if I was drunk, I'd hook up with this guy, even though I'm not gay. Tom Hardy's the closest guy I'd hook up with where I'm not drunk. I wouldn't need to. I'd do it sober in front of my family. I'd kiss him on the lips.

Oh, look at this. What's Sam making, a martini? Yeah, we're doing a cloudy martini. This is Amazon. These were free, and I stole this from Uniqlo. So I'm with you. Did you steal it? Yeah.

I don't know what I'm wearing. That's nice, too. It fits like a goddamn glove on that. That's got tight bods. Lanky scarecrow body you got there. There it is. Look at this studio. Yeah, not too shabby, huh? I like it.

I like that I came in, and the front doorman guy told me I didn't have to wear a mask. I was like, I'm sorry I don't have a mask. He's like, it's okay, man. That's how we do it here. Yeah. There you go. Nice, dude. This looks like my dad's okay, man. That's how we do it here. Yeah. Oh, there it is. Nice, dude. This looks like my dad's urine.

Cheers. That's a Dangerfield joke. I was drinking so much I pissed an olive. I fucked up. You could just tell, no disrespect at all, I could just tell

this is going to suck. Take a sip before you judge me. You'll feel better than it tastes. There we go. Sam, I stand corrected. Dead shit. What? Sam. Sam, I stand corrected. Dead serious. What? Sam, what?

I literally stand, wow, I thought this, because this looks like sewage. You know why? Because it's actual good-ass brine. Wow. Dude, this is amazing. This looks like what happened to the Mississippi River in Louisiana. This is oily. No, I know, this looks like, this is Hurricane Katrina.

Exactly. Woo! But, mm. It's pretty good, right? It's like a meal, dude. There's so much oligarchs. Exactly. It's like a meal, dude. There's so much oligarchs in here. It's like a meal. I'm getting calories in here. It looks like an L.A. hot chick drink, but it tastes like my dad. Yeah, I know.

Your dad tastes delicious. Yeah, Norman's got a hot dad. You sound like my stepmom. Are your parents divorced, Mark? No, no, I wish. They're still together, and they go at it. My parents are divorced, Mark? No, no, I wish. They're still together and they go at it. My parents are divorced. And I was speaking to my dad.

My dad's visiting me from Florida. He's been saying this for two weeks. And he said, you know, the best thing I ever did in my life was divorce your mother. He's like, I'm sorry if that hurts you. He's like, but really, like, you wouldn't be – I wouldn't be proud of you if I was still married to your mom. What? Why? Because he was just like, my I was still married to your mom. What? Why?

He was just like, my life was going nowhere with your mom. He's like, and your mom's a good person and I'm a good person, but we just weren't good together and I think that the best thing I ever did was divorce her. He goes, and you know, 37 years later, he said, I would never be as happy as I am as a human being if I was still married to your mom.

I'm with that. Louis C.K. has that great joke when he he got divorced i was like i'm sorry he's like no divorce is great it's the best thing you can do because i bet you somebody like louis or anybody like you know when it's not like the divorce came out of nowhere he was probably waiting to do that or guys you're waiting to do that for years and then when it finally happens you're like yeah i'm out of jail kind of thing you know it's a weird thing it is weird to tell you like i'm i'm a better i wouldn't be proud i'm happy i get right i wouldn't be proud. I'm happy, I get. Right. But I wouldn't be proud is a little less happy.

Well, what he was saying was, what he was saying was, he was like, I meant like, he said because he said, I think that I was able to be like a good dad to you because I was not in a negative headspace because I was not with your mom. That makes sense. If I was with your mom, he said I would have just been a miserable curmudgeon of a guy, and then you probably would have turned out like a big piece of shit. Right. And so he was like, you know, I think you're a happy guy.

Right. Because my dad was like, I'm happy, but I could only get happy when I left your mom. Yeah. Because she sucks. It's a name. I've met both your parents. They're the nicest. My mom and dad.

How about this? My mom and dad, they now are like actual friends again. But it's only because I started to have kids. Before I had kids, they would fight at anything. They got into a fight in the crowd at my David Letterman set where I saw, if you watch my David Letterman set about whatever it is, three and a half minutes in, I like look up a little bit because there was some commotion. Yeah. And then Mad Dog Matter and James Mattern was sitting. He was one of my guests to come.

And he was sitting up there. He goes, yeah. He goes, that commotion, the ushers ran down the aisle and almost threw your mom and dad up because your mom was sitting in like the center seat. And my dad, your dad leaned over and was like, hey, you were never at any of his shows i should be in the center seat not you and then she was like i was the one that was at all the open mics he goes he goes i was the one who was at the maui taco i was the one who did all that he goes i went to the creek in the cave he was like you didn't do any of that and she was like shut up tony he's on stage who gives

and then because james gets you a closer i know i I know. Mad Dog Manor was sitting in between the both of them. So James was the buffer between my dad and my mom. I know. I would say this if I'm your therapist. They're making your Letterman spot about them. They got to be there for you right there. I know. I know.

And then my mom ran down the stairs and practically pushed me out of the way so she could get a picture with John Travolta. He was the other guest. You talked to Travolta, right? Yo, no, listen. he was the other guest you talked to travolta right yo no listen the thing is with a guy with a guy like a john travolta somebody i know just met tom cruise and said that like there's an aura to them like like you understand why they're famous like there's something magical about and tim dillon said the same about alec baldwin just did just worked did something with alec baldwin

he said you get he did his podcast said you get why he's so famous travolta has that thing where it's like it's a presence that i i don't have we don't have you know so it's like so they have it where you're like oh i get why hollywood was attracted to this person and why they're like this this is something otherworldly because he had me in one of his trances that's what they do he had me in a fucking trance i saw him i was going up next you know he had just finished his segment then it was like that commercial break and i'm standing there by that curtain you know waiting to go out i could see the set i'm like shitting myself and he walks past me and then he comes back he goes whoa you have on a beautiful suit and i was like yeah i was like i was like i go it's from joseph a bank and he was like, oof. And then I was like, oof. Kind of. He was like, oof.

And I was like, I had bought it off the rack in Suffolk County, Long Island a day before because I don't know if you remember. You didn't get it tailored. Remember out of our group of guys who started, Che was the first one to get Letterman. And everyone was like, he wore jeans. Right. And then I was like, oh, shit. I was going up two weeks later.

I was like, I got to get a suit. But I don't own a suit. Right. So I just bought this bullshit suit that was too big. went up two weeks later i was like i gotta get a suit yeah i don't own a suit right so so i so i just bought this bullshit suit that was too big and he goes um he goes this is you have such a beautiful suit and i was like wow i was like thanks and then he goes um he goes uh he goes so so are you nervous and i was like a little bit and then he put his hand on my chest like without like just put his hand like right in the middle of my chest he goes why is your heart beating so

fast i was like because you have your hand on my nipple that's his pickup line yeah yeah and then he goes and then he goes and then he goes um he goes just calm down breathe with me and i was like what i swear to god dude this my mother is witnessing this whole thing too he goes i know oh 100 he goes he goes with you know he goes um he goes just breathe with me and i was like okay and he goes you've done this already and i said no i haven't i'm going up next he goes you've done this already and i go no i'm going up i almost like i almost like got ang because i know you're anxious i almost was like no fucking stupid i'm next like yes i'm paralyzed with fear right now yes so i put my and he goes no you've done this already and i said wow i haven't he goes no no you have because your set had to be vetted i'm sure by david letterman and all his bookers and producers

i'm sure they don't just let you on so you've done this set you've practiced and famous people think that letterman is watching our set yeah yeah yeah david was like thanks frank like he didn't give a shit conan o'brien's in the room like that guy right there yeah that's not how it happened so there's a booker but he says to says to me, he goes, you've done it already. You've been vetted. Producers, they don't just let anyone on the show. He was like, so the hard part is over. Our next guest, Paul Mercurio.

I know. He goes, you know what's so crazy, dude? Who's the guy, Eddie Brill, who was the warm-up comic, did one of my bits that I was later going to do. In the warm-up? On the Letterman Show, in the warm-up. James, one of my bits that I was later going to do. In the warm-up? On the Letterman Show in the warm-up. James, I had all these texts from James Madden. I don't dare look at my phone.

Sure. I had all these texts from James Madden. Hey, man, don't do the R-word bit. Don't do the R-word bit. I'm not R-word bit. A bit where I add R's into words that don't need R's. He was doing it based off like a Boston accent. You used to call it the N-word bit.

Yeah, exactly. I love Joe Rogan. I'm starting a podcast with Neil Young. he was doing it based off like a boston accent you used to call it the n-word bit yeah exactly i love joe rogan yeah i'm starting a podcast with neil young it's called we both never did rogan i'll be a guest so so get jody mitchell there it is so so um you know he's like you've done this already and i said no i have it whatever and he goes no no all the hours all the times you practice in front of the mirror, the hard part is done. You've been selected. Now you just have to go live the moment.

So it's over already. The work is done. It's over. Just go live the five minutes. He's not wrong. And he goes, be present for those five minutes. That's my only advice to you. He goes, and you know what? He goes, I'm supposed to catch a flight.

I want to stay here and watch you live this moment. He said, it's so cool for me to see someone experience this for the first time he goes i'm gonna be here cheering you on you're gonna crush great job and i'm like holy smokes and then with that like almost like while he's talking you know i don't realize that about 90 seconds i've went by you get that little tap on your shoulder because you can't hear and they tap me out and i hear david lederman saying please welcome chris and stephanie and i went out there and i had, you know, like a really good present in the moment set.

And I felt like, oh my God. And in my head this whole time, I'm thinking like, I'm like doing these jokes in front of John Travolta. Like who knows what could happen? Maybe I'll be a look who's talking three. I don't know. And then I come out and I see my mom there and she's like, oh my God.

Like, you know, like great, whatever. How's it feel? I was like, amazing. And I was like, where's John? And she's like oh my god like you know like great whatever how's it feels i was like amazing and i was like where's where's john you know and she goes oh honey he left immediately i swear to god yeah but he did what he had to do he got you truthfully and i almost wasn't mad i said i said mom how quick did he like you mean after the first joke she goes no as soon as you went onto stage and said and put your hand up to wave hello he walked out wow yeah so so it but i'm not mad at him at all about that at all nothing you had a moment with him and now you're a scientologist and then i swear to god and then you're ready for this and this is a thousand

percent true the vet we we know this as comics but the audience may not know that's like we want to hurt ourselves a lot so i had a set set at the David Letterman. I felt fantastic. I then immediately took the bus, took the bus with James Madden and my ex-girlfriend at the time and my friend from home, took the bus to the Village Lantern. Yes. Okay, the old Village Lantern Comedy Club. And I bombed with that same set in front of six or seven Swedish people in my Letterman suit. I just was like, I have to do it. I did it.

I drank a 40 on the bus in a brown paper bag. It was like, because you want to feel that pain. I come off the bus. Okay. I'm sorry. I come out of the village lantern walking down the street. This was June. Walking down the street is Tracy Morgan with no shirt on and a $15,000 chain.

So I see him. After don't know crash you got a forty five thousand dollars i know he upgraded yeah so he goes so so i didn't you know i i don't know tracy morgan of course i know who he is but i never met him or anything my ex-girlfriend at the time was like tracy more like hey like you know because everyone was kind of drunk and buzzed was like my boyfriend just did letterman he goes oh and he goes my boyfriend right here he goes oh shit and then he goes he goes, come over here, player. So he grabs me by, like puts me in a headlock with almost like a sweaty armpit. And he goes, yo, you girls, beautiful.

I was like, thanks. He goes, I like her toes. They painted like Skittles. And I was like, yeah, man, it's great. He goes, you just did David Letterman? And I said, yeah. He goes, how'd it go? And I was like, it was good, man. I really felt like i had a good set he goes i'm proud of you

man i always know from day one you was a real motherfucker i was like i go i go i've never met you like i've never met you at all i swear it's 100 true i go i go tracy i've never met you guys nah nah nah i know you from day one and i go yeah one. And I go, yeah, dude, this is day one. And then he goes, who's the other people on the show? He goes, who's the music guest? I was like, I really don't remember. He goes, was there anybody else on the show? I said, John Travolta.

And then I swear to God, he goes, he put his hand on your chest? I swear to Christ. And I was like, he did. He was like, yeah, that boy cold. I swear to God, dude. And then he goes, yo, congratulations. He goes, I'm going to be seeing you.

Hand to God. Six weeks later, maybe less, I did that South Beach Comedy Festival. Comedy Central South Beach Comedy Festival. In Miami? In Miami. I, you know, last minute addition. So it might have been a month later. Last minute addition to the show.

I'm in the festival. Tracy Morgan's headlining the Jackie Gleason Theater down there. He needs an opener. Comedy Central chooses me. I open. I see him in the green room. I go headlining the Jackie Gleason Theater down there. He needs an opener. Comedy Central chooses me. I open. I see him in the green room. I go, Tracy, what's up, man? He goes, who are you?

I was like, I met you a month ago outside the Village Lantern, whatever. I'm the guy who did Letterman, whatever. He goes, I don't know who you are. You want a water? I was like, yeah, sure. I'll take a water. Then he proceeds to give me. He goes, Matt Frost.

Matt Frost is his agent. He goes, Matt, give this man some waters and then i was like you know i i i get a take a couple of bottles of water matt comes over and gives me a couple bottles where he goes no no give him a case i want him to have a case of waters so he gives me a fucking poland spring uh case of water off a pallet i was like what is this and i said to man i was like what is this he goes tracy morgan always needs a pallet of water at every show he does. I was like, okay. Wow. What a story. It was great, man.

Amazing. Honestly, dude, it's shit like that that's like, I'm so happy that it worked out that way. Yeah, right? Yeah. It'd be weird if it was just you started opening for Tracy Morgan. That's better. He didn't know who you were. He doesn't know.

He doesn't give a fuck who I am. Oh, shit. This shit keeps you funny. Yeah. Being the butt of the joke keeps you funny at the end of the day. Yeah. Yes. The bus ride, the 40.

I love the idea that your parents are fighting at Letterman. Letterman's like, why'd you get into comedy? You're like, right there. Right there. That's it. Those two fucking mooks. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Well, just this past weekend, I did the Beacon Theater, and it was a beautiful moment for me. Sold out, whatever. Not even close. By far, the biggest ovation was when I brought T.T. Jerry and Homeless Pimp on the stage. I mean, they were like, I was just like a fucking carcass just on the fucking stage. Wait, we got to talk about them.

So Sam's doing The Beacon coming up. It's about to sell out. You're both New York guys. New York City. What was it like? I mean, that's a beautiful theater. It's a special place. It's iconic.

Were you nervous about selling tickets? Did you know you had it? Tell us everything. mean that's a beautiful theater it's a special place it's iconic were you nervous about selling tickets did you know you had it so everything so so that's awesome uh congrats to you sam congrats to you my friend i think hey these are better than they look too dude honestly man i need a second one i'm yeah we might need more ice mad if that's possible i spilled some of it on my jeans thank god they were were $8. These are fucking good, if I don't mind. I mean, whatever company sent us this shit. Yeah. 1888. Hey, man, this is good. Good year.

That's olive shit. I'm watching that show, 1883, by the way. Great show. What's that? It's on Apple TV. Phenomenal show. Is that the year Biden was born? There it is.

That was all right. Yeah, it's not bad. Trying to keep them joking here. What is it? So 1883 is a show about Sam Elliott's not bad. Trying to keep them joking here. What is it? So 1883 is a show about Sam Elliott's in it. Tim McGraw. Yeah. It's a really fucking fantastic show.

Westerns are bad. And there's like a scene, like a random scene in the show, like so random where they do a flashback to when the main character, Tim McGraw, is fighting in the Civil War for the Confederacy. And he's like on the battlefield at Antietam, which is like a very bloody Civil War battle. And he's on the battlefield. It says flashback to Antietam, whatever. And he's like a Union soldier, captain or lieutenant comes over and is like talking to him.

And he's like, it's going to be okay. Like, I'm not going to kill you. I'm not going to hurt you. And you're like, oh, whatever. And then the camera pans up. It's fucking Tom Hanks. Whoa. tom hanks whoa just a random bit part and then the same then the very next episode they have a sheriff that like comes in and kills everybody and the sheriff's billy bob thornton and then neither one of them ever come back in

the show again it's like it's like just keep showing your toes in the next scene uh john travolta touches his chest he's's like, why is your heartbeat? Soldier. It's a fucking great show, man. 1883. It's connected to that show. Yellowstone. Yes.

Another Western. So I got Mark on Yellowstone. So Yellowstone. So how far deep into Yellowstone are you? I just started the fourth season. Okay. So the fourth season. So I think.

So do you know when they flash back? Don't say too much. No, I'm not going to give anything away. But you know when they flash back to Kevin Costner's John Dutton, when they flash back to the 1800s? Sure. That's this show. That is this exact show. Every show has got an alternate universe.

Not alternate, extended universe. Right, right, right. That's the only way to make money, you know? Yeah, they've got to be familiar. Everything's got to be familiar now or nobody watches it. Wait, so let me tell you about the beacon. First of all, the one thing about us being New Yorkers, Sam, is what, and I don't know, but what, not that I don't want to say regret this.

I don't. But what I wish I would have done a little different, but I guess I can't. Okay. It's the guest list that I had because it's from New York. So many people came there and wanted to come to the green room and this and that. It gave me so much it added a level of pressure that i didn't need so if i ever god willing get another chance to do the beacon or something like that i won't i won't invite all i'll just say i can give you

guys free tickets absolutely no problem no green room access no after party i don't get that it's a show you know like i was that whole day i. This is the only job, by the way. They're not, you're not going to see like Les Mis and they're like, come in the green room. No. Yes, right. So true. Well, Tim Dillon did the beacon and Tim's a New York guy too. And Tim was like, you know, when he came to the show and he said, man, you got so many people here.

I said, I know, you know, it's a beacon whenever he goes, dude, I'm from New York too. I told nobody to come. Yeah. He's like, you got to like, I'm going to do a special and put it out on YouTube. And the old me would have invited everyone i want nobody's coming no you don't want anybody i don't want my family there i don't want anybody zero people i don't want my agent there i want to do the show for my fans and then you can watch the product exactly you know show is number one i can't be

giving you energy and you time how was your day get out oh you couldn't find parking get out of here i got i got people texting me you know i go on state you know whatever the show starts at eight o'clock people texting me 750 where are my tickets where exactly what do i do are you gonna do the same set like i'm like what the so that's a good question uh 759 yeah right so that's be my only advice for you but honestly man i gotta be honest the beacon theater it was one of those experiences where when i was about to be brought on james madden uh sergio chacon featured he crushed and then james madden hosted and he's just like such a great host the best when he was about to bring me up it was like one of those things where like i just forgot all my material like it happened like

you know i'm sure we've all been in that situation where like i just was like oh shit i don't even know how i'm gonna open i forgot but it was in that situation where like, I just was like, oh shit, I don't even know how I'm going to open. I forgot. But it was like, it's almost like a good thing because like my brain almost like zapped out and like started with a blank slate. And I just came out and was like, so in the moment. Yeah. By the time I got the light at 50 minutes, I thought like, I remember in my head thinking I'm probably at about 20 now. And then James was on the side with the light for 50. I was like, that that can't be right that's a good sign 50 and then i did like it you know normally when i do a set you know i'll get up to you know 55 minutes whatever i'm like all right let me start

winding it down i must have did 80 minutes on that stage just because it would just kept they're so loving you know they're your people and they know it's a it's a big they had fun man they had fun and then they and then i was like after i was done i was like man that should have been my special but instead i'm gonna do it at new york comedy club well you know yeah well you want the club atmosphere yeah but also i think to shoot in a room that big is gonna to do right gotta cost 150 grand well that's what they said well i was gonna do my special in puerto rico the same agent and i'm sure he gave you the same rundown that he gave you well well i was gonna do my special in Puerto Rico. We were the same agent. And I'm sure he gave you the same rundown that he gave you. Well, I was going to do my special in Puerto Rico.

Now, that would really stand out. Because I was going to say, oh, you know, I'm doing it on YouTube in Puerto Rico. I was going to say, listen, you know, these people, you know, like, you know, Netflix doesn't want me. Amazon doesn't want me. Showtime doesn't want me. I want to go back to where I'm loved, where the people love me, Puerto Rico. The Puerto Rican government wants $100,000 for anything. They don't love you either.

I was like, I guess y'all don't love me. Yeah, right? Y'all forgot. Chris was going to open with, I feel pretty. Yeah. I was going to come out fucking just throwing paper towels into the crowd. You know what you got to say? Hey, look, we'll have a cock fight first, and then it'll be free.

But you do a thing that I do too, and we got to cut it out. We act as like underdogs and stuff but it's like you're doing so well dude you're crushing it like it's cool he earned it though it's not like he got tapped on the shoulder by uh some fat guy with a cigar like you're in joe hollywood here well no one look joe hollywood you gotta you gotta get in with that guy but let me tell you you did it the right way you did it through your own base. Bro, we're doing the mics together. Look at us now. Yeah. Yeah.

Look at us now, drunk on weird looking martinis I made. Drunk in a fucking weird studio. I know, we're drinking Flint water. I knew you liked the Patrick Ewing thing there. So Patrick, let me tell you my Patrick Ewing story. So I got two of them. You could feed Chris anything and he'll have something. I'm dying to hear your Harvey Weinstein story.

He touched your chest and he said your heart. I'm dying to hear your Harvey Weinstein story. He touched your chest and he said your heart's beating so quickly. So Patrick Ewing, my very first Knicks game. How old were you? Nine, 10. Okay. The thing, sports for me,

why sports is so special for me is because it was an incentive when I was a child to do good in school. My father would say, if you do good in school, if you listen to your mother, if you do this, whatever it is, you will get tickets to a Knick games. You will get tickets to a Yankee game. So sports was incentivized for me.

So that's why I fell in love with it. It was because that's how my father, you know, got me to do what he needed me to do. So, you know, they were like, you know, if you pass these, get these good grades, and we're going to take you to the Knicks magic. That was the first game i went to shaquille o'neal's magic wow penny hardaway too or no yes yeah 1992 orlando magic so penny uh that that that finals team right was uh were they the finals in like 94 95 i think so yeah but that's you they'd be jordan definitely penny definitely penny and and uh and

shack so and scott skyles for sure so so he was a killer so i was a little kid you know early 90s you know we're sitting you know whatever upper deck seats whatever patrick ewing goes baseline and like tomahawk dunks on shaquille o'neal and I was like oh my god and then he like you know Shaquille had like fallen under him so like Patrick had to like hang on the rim a little bit so I go dad I like stand up I was like I was like Patrick Ewing I was like dad look at him he's swinging on the rim like a big monkey and I'm like like that because to me it looked like a monkey and my dad was just like pulling me down pushing me down and everyone was like looking over at me like whatever. And then my dad, there's a thing.

I don't know if I tried to do like misremember this because I thought it was like a funny or I thought it was like some type of defense mechanism. But I'm almost positive. Like I would be willing to say I'm 95% sure he really said this, is he looked around because it got tense. Oh, really? Yeah, because I just yelled up and said, he's like a monkey and went, ooh, ooh, ooh. Well, the blackface didn't help.

Yeah. You know it's bad when you offend early 90s New York. Yeah. And then my dad, I was going to say it was 92, 93, my dad said to the general group around me, he goes, my son's retarded. Oh, hey, good save. Not special needs. around me goes my son's retarded oh good save good not special needs nothing because my son's retarded so he made it 10 times by the way by the way his

save is now would make it 10 times worse right yeah that's genius not the time that's a great boo it's like what kevin spacey did he fucked that kid he was like well i'm autistic yeah i'm gay or i'm gay which did not help that didn't help. You can't say it. You can't be accused of fucking someone underage and be like, I'm gay. That's not a sexual orientation thing. Right, right. So Kevin Spacey,

well, let me tell you my Kevin Spacey story. Wait, wait. I swear to God. So I went up to Kevin Spacey. Ooh, ooh, ooh. So this was five, six years ago. I somehow got involved i forgot how i initially got involved but kevin spacey and cal ripken jr the the baltimore orioles you know

iron man hall of famer oh my god they had some type of foundation down in washington dc and they i got hired to do uh to open the show that they were doing like this rally or this fundraiser whatever i got hired to open the show wow and cal ripken this rally or this fundraiser or whatever. I got hired to open the show. Wow. And Cal Ripken. How many years ago is this? This is maybe six, seven. Pre-cancel.

No, no, yeah. No, there was no, nothing about Kevin Spacey. It might've been months away, but Kevin Spacey was, I mean, he was being, he was a Kevin Spacey. He was a God. God. A legend. So.

One of the best actors. Great actor. And funny guy. So, so. Great guy. Cal Ripken, which by the way cal ripken junior if you're not a baseball fan google him his blue eyes are like it's a little like it's a little traumatizing like piercing it's insane pull it up cal ripken junior's eyes man he must

have really gotten laid and get wet didn't his mom get kidnapped yeah like yeah something they got her back i think yeah they got her back but I think. Yeah, they got her back. But Cal Ripken. Whoa. Look at that. That's real. That's not Photoshop. That's like a warlock or something. And he's phenomenal. Great player, too.

Oh, yeah. Class act. Broke Lou Gehrig's record. Really? First ballot Hall of Fame. He got the disease? I knew a guy when I started out. He passed away.

A really funny guy, Glenn Coyle, had a joke where he goes, My girlfriend got Lou Gehrig's disease, so I traded that's a great joke great joke so so michael keaton in him yeah he's great very handsome so i i i'm there and first of all cal ripken i do my five minutes which is like you know bullshit five minutes opening up this thing cal calvin goes he goes man i don't know how you do what you do that i don't have the balls to do that i was was like, you literally are one of the greatest baseball players of all time. What are you talking about? He goes, nah, stand-up's harder. It's a different thing.

He goes, stand-up's harder. I go, Cal, it's not. I was like, dude, you're a – But to us, it looks – I mean, obviously, baseball is harder. But to us, to them, that must be like – that's not what they do. Think about the repetition of just swinging. It's antisocial. Yeah, right.

So it was Cal Ripken, Phil Necro. I don't know if you know Phil Necro. He's like a Hall of Fame knuckleball pitcher. I think he just passed away. And Kevin Spacey in the green room. Wow. The big three, of course. The big three.

And Jasmine, my kid's mom, my girlfriend, my kid's mom, she's in there with me. And it was like, you know, we're there. So she sees all this. So Phil Necro and kevin space are doing like like horrifying not horrifying to a comic but like if it ever got out like audio leak like wild jokes like yeah racist sexist like crazy shit but you're like whatever who gives a fuck green room yeah but then phil uh uh kevin space this is- Spacey turns to a camera.

If this ever gets out, I'll be finished. But then Kevin says something to Phil Necro like, you ever just kiss a boy on the lips? No way. Something crazy. And we were like, come on. It was a little bit like, and then we were like, okay. And then Jasmine said to Kevin Spacey, he goes, what do you mean a boy? He goes what do you mean a boy he goes no no like an 18 night journal boy you ever just kiss a boy

in the lips nothing's better and then it was so weird and we were like okay like whatever that's his testing grand though 1819 that was his save yeah and we were like yeah that's fine like whatever it is it is you know cool whatever and to be honest with you to be fair again i don't know him passes he was mad cool that night yeah it was fucking awesome after i'm sure he's the most you know, cool, whatever. And to be honest with you, to be fair, again, I don't know him past this. He was mad cool that night. He was fucking awesome. I'm sure he's the most charming guy in the planet. Yeah, after I did my set, he was right there.

He was like phenomenal. He was like, let's hang out. Let's do this. Let's do that. He was like, we got to do all these. He was like, we got to be, I got to put you in movies and this and that. And then he was like, come find me in the after party.

And then I swear to God, I saw him at the after party and i walked up to him i was like hey kev i was like hey kevin like i'm just about to go you had just told me to come find you and he was like i'm a little busy right now and he was talking to like some 21 year old like jacked gorgeous male waiter and you overheard him saying i gotta get you in movies yeah yeah yeah i've heard stories about the you know touchy touchy touchy with stuff on set and then if you were like you got to cut it out he would cut it out but if you didn't say something he would he would keep that going well well the the reason why i bring it up is because again no judgment i i don't know him i other than that but but we i remember i remember in the car going

back to our hotel that night jasmine said to me she she goes, Kevin Spacey's like a little weak. Like, it's a little much with him, right? And I said, yeah. I said, to be honest. I said, but I think that's all how Hollywood actors are. This is pre-Me Too stuff. So whatever. And then when all the shit came out about him, Jasmine right away, she was like, I told

you that there was something off about that guy. I was on Jim and Sam right when that, I think it was the week it came out with Jon Bernthal who was in Baby Driver with him. And Jon Bernthal was just openly like, that guy's a piece of shit. What? Before it came out? No, it came out. And Jon was like, I've never talked shit about an actor.

He's a bad human being. Really? And he was not nice. He talked publicly. It was on air. I'm sure there's record of it on air somewhere. I mean, he was just saying, yeah, that's not a good guy. And it was like a news story from that episode. Because because it was like john bernthal's a big actor

that's like a very nice guy i was on sway in the morning which is like an all you know black show for a black audience i was like the guest host for sway in the morning and the the the at while the jesse smollett news was breaking before anyone thought he was lying like just a man who was beaten and and it was like that and i was on with some guy like white jewish guy who like owns a bunch of gyms and he goes um sway was like you know everyone went in a room how do you feel i was like oh it's horrible it's you know this and that but whatever and then because you know the story did sound horrible and then they got to me and i was like i don't know if i believe it yeah and they were like and they and they were like what the fuck they were like and nobody like scolded me but like but you see they're like that's that white shit with white people like

they don't believe everything and blah blah blah and then it came out like two months later that it probably was made up because i was like it doesn't seem real because my i i said there's proof of this i said it on air i said because at that time they were saying two white uh they were saying the news supremacist two white supremacists had said, you're that F word from Empire. And I said, there's no way white people are watching Empire. That's what I said right on air. You're not a MAGA white supremacist guy and watching fucking Empire. No, there's no way that's happening.

But that's ballsy of you to do that in that black room. Yeah, but I was trying to do... That was my bid. I was like, there's no way they're doing that on Empire. That's a funny bid. Yeah, I was just doing it. And they were like, no, nobody... It wasn't like bad.

It's a tough angle to take when the jury's still in. Or the jury's still out. Yeah, I texted Sway two months later. I was like, apology, question mark? What'd he say? He left it on read. Whoa. No, Sway's my boy. I love Sway. All right. Sway's one later, I was like, apology, question mark? What did he say? He left it on read. Ah. No, no, Sway's my boy.

I love Sway. All right. Sway's one of those guys who I started. He taught me when I was hosting shows in 2014, 2015. He just gave me the best advice, the best tips. Sway, if you ever get a chance to work with Sway from Sway in the Morning, Sway Calloway, he's truly one of the best guys. I've seen some of his interviews.

He's great. Great interviews. He interviewed Obama four Calloway. He's truly one of the best guys. I've seen some of his interviews. He's great. Interviewed Obama four times. He's like a personal friend. Hey Obama, if you're listening, you got an open invite to We Might Be Drunk. We'll get whatever booze you want. Our bartender didn't make it tonight. She's Puerto Rican. We know what Chris does to Puerto Rican women, so we told her

to stay home. Honestly, that's better for me and my family that she didn't show up. She's a good looking lady. Is she? Yeah, yeah. But we, you know... If you're into that sort of thing. Hot Latino women. I'll make you a cocktail

anytime. Can I get one more, actually? Yeah! We need more ice, Matt. Honestly, dude, this is one... Somebody's got to drive my car to the Gramercy. I'll drive. I can drink and drive like you wouldn't believe. Don't say that. I really can. I'm a great drunk driver. Don't say that. I grew up drinking and driving. I'm from New Orleans. You keep digging a hole here.

No, I'm not. I've never had a DUI. I've never gotten pulled over. I didn't realize, and this might be boring, but I was watching today this story of the frontiersman, and I didn't know the history of the American frontier. I didn't realize the historic significance of New Orleans. like oh yeah whoever

controlled new orleans and like the war of 1812 like there would be no country if there wasn't new like the french had to give up new war so so i didn't know if you know this napoleon you know the france france own like the whole louisiana territory that you know the louisiana purchase whatever so napoleon in like a drunken stupor just gave just fucking sold louisiana to thomas jefferson for like what would be the equivalent of like a few hundred dollars yeah i know just like when steinbrenner bought the yankees yeah yeah it was like what are you doing i know and i was like it's fucking interesting like i didn't did not realize like i was like oh you know fucking whatever new orleans i know you drink hurricanes

you go on you know have mardi gras whatever but it's like without that city dude there'd be there would be no united states well you think united states well there would we wouldn't we'd be half a country we would stop at you know we'd stop in the midwest maybe we'd be better off back to the 13 colonies what do you guys think we might be we might be happier i think we're already there the country's completely divided so it's not uh it's not that different oh nice dude i like that just a dirty sweaty hand oh man i washed my hands before this you can't i'm sorry was that disgusting i just did that i love it i haven't washed my hands since 1989 you can't make me laugh when i'm making a fucking drink just telling the truth

dude i know 1989 good year oh that, that's enough. We got enough of that. I'm legitimately fucking drunk. I'm still drunk here. I'm drinking the Toxic Avenger over here. You don't like it? Oh, cookies. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's this?

Whose birthday is it? You guys want some cookies? Yes. Let's chew. Thank you. Let's chew. That's great for audio. How are you going to move the mic?

Happy birthday. Happy birthday, Chris. This is for the beacon. Congratulations. Oh, thank you. There you go. You know you want one. I saw the photo of you with your family in the Gruner.

I said, first thought was that is really sweet. Second thought is that's got to be hell. I know. I was like, oh, poor Beth. That's the thing. I have the same thing with my family. I'm so grateful they come to shows. It means the world to me that my parents.

But holy shit, they come when I did Fallon. They when i do colbert they come and it's like it's so meaningful but at the same time you're like man it's very stressful yeah i'm i've told my family already like i want to do i'm going to put a special on youtube kind of you know like you guys did and i'm just going to do it at new york comedy club because i'm like i just want to get it out i want to get the material out but i told my family like you can't come. I don't want you to come. This is my room. I don't mean to be disrespectful. Like, it just adds a level of pressure that is not necessary.

Agreed. So I'm not going to do it. Thank you, Sam. I think that's the move. So I'm not going to do it. This is a fucking great cookie. A little stale, but great. I'm drunk, so I'll eat it.

I'm okay with a stale cookie. I don't mind. Yeah, especially with the booze cooking. Ooh, I like these right here. Whatever the hell these are called, I'm a big fan. I don't know. They're thin, so you don't feel like they're as bad for you, but they're delightful. I like a crunchy cookie. Get a cookie.

Hey, I'll tell you. Split it with me. Split it with me. Alright, alright. You want to split half of this? Nah, I hate those. I hate it too. It's too gay. It's like the pride flag. What'd you eat today, Mark? Anything good? No, I eat a lot. No, I try to... I ate oatmeal and

that was it. I came here. Mark doesn't eat much. What'd you eat? Oh, we had a sandwich. We had an egg sandwich and then I had a turkey sandwich. I'm a boring eater. How do you guys stay so thin? Do you just eat right? You're thin too. No, I'm not. I'm 240.

Really? Boy, you hide it well. Where do you put it? I know. That's what I'm saying. It's all about the angles. Woo. Drop martini on the city. I just...

No, I normally eat more exciting than that. On the road, I try to eat, go to good restaurants because I want to at least feel the city. You won't eat like Domino's or anything? Nah. Well, I'll never eat Domino's because we live in New York fucking city where I can eat great pizza on any corner. Why would I eat dominoes when we can get better slice than any corner, man? Oh, it's true. But I'm saying if you're in a bullshit city.

No, I won't eat pizza on the road unless they've got a good road pizza spot. Like if I'm in New Haven, Connecticut, I'll eat pizza. You don't ever like hate yourself after a sentence, just get pizza hut or something? I've done that. I've done it, but it's like I usually will like. Panda Express, bring it on. Yeah, yeah. Nice on Stop the Asian hate Exactly

Is that real let's talk about it Imagine I go into it Let's talk about the rock He's a transphobe Yeah I guess I don't really I don't know You guys have always been thin I've known you since 2000 I I've known you since 2000.

I've known both you guys since like 12 years now. You guys, we're like significant parts of each other's lives. Oh, yeah. I've known you for so long. Yeah, it's wild. I've known you for so long, Chris. To know somebody for 12, 13 years, you know, like... And to like someone for that whole time.

How insane... I know, like how insane that is. I know. Like, we may not see each other all the time, but it's like, the fact that like, we very well could be in each other's lives for like 30 years. That's why I invited everybody to the wedding, because I'm like, I've seen all these motherfuckers grow kids, no kids, marriage. Who's somebody, who's somebody, just fucking say it.

We're drunk. Who's somebody that just missed the cut? Come on, Mark. All right, Cosby. He can take my place. No, because I put him on, Mark. All right, Cosby. He can take my place. No, because I'll put him at my table. I'll just watch my drinks. That's the first time I'll ever be in New Orleans is for your wedding.

What? You've never been? You've never been there, man. Dude, get there early and do the tour. No, no, no. Me and my girl plan on getting there three, four days before. What's the date again, Mark? All right.

Do we bleep that? I don't know. I heard that's a good time to do it because it's not so oppressively hot. It's the date again mark all right do we bleep that i heard that i heard that's a good time to do it because it's not so oppressively hot it's the best month of new york tried these olives by the way oh yeah what do they have blue cheese in them or something yeah dude yeah it's great do they really we might be drunk is sponsored by better help online therapy relationships take work a lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care about we'll go out of our way to treat other people well,

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and join the 4 million men worldwide who trust Manscaped with our exclusive offer. Go to manscaped.com and use promo code DRUNK for 20% off plus free shipping. Holy hell. I love Manscaped. I use the ball wash. I shave with the lawnmower. It's good stuff. It gets it in tight. I keep it in my travel bag. I just, whatever I need it, it's all all there you got the crop preserver crop reviver uh you got the lawnmower 4.0 it's got a light on it for christ's sakes i love this thing you love it they even uh they have a travel bag i still use boxer briefs are great and the ultra premium body wash is great for manscaped love manscape i used to use their shampoo and conditioner if i'm being honest oh yeah i used today that's where this fucking load of bird's nest came from but yeah get it

get on it folks yeah i got some of that shampoo in my in my uh shower too hey whether your resolution is to work out more or to travel to new places be sure to to travel to manscaped.com for our exclusive offer of 20% off plus free shipping with the code DRUNK. That's 20% off and free shipping with the code DRUNK at manscaped.com. One last time. One last time. Sorry, I've been drinking.

20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com. Use the code DRUNK. It's a new year. No pubes in 2022 with Manscaped.com use the code drunk it's the new year no pubes in 2022 with manscaped support the show and get 20 off from free shipping with the code drunk at manscaped.com hell yeah get on it man and look better and smell better i only fuck with blue cheeve or jalapeno olives dude i like it what about a regular olive i'll do an olive all right i don't know why i said it's so defined my cousin used to put olives on her fingers, on her fingertips, and dip them all in mayonnaise.

And she used to eat them. And one time she puked so hard they started coming out of her nose. Wow. Your cousin Honey Boo Boo? Yeah. Yeah, my cousin. Dude. Mom.

Mom. Yeah, dude. I'm excited to go to New Orleans because, you know, love and history and I love, I've just never really been to like the deep, deep south. Like I've been in Nashville and Florida,

but like New Orleans is like the south. You do the road. Yeah, you got that right. Yeah, but there's no road in New Orleans, right? Like where can we play in Louisiana?

They have Harrah's, I guess. There's Harrah's, but there's a couple little theaters there. Harrah's the casino? Yeah. You've done it? No, I haven't done it,

but big comics go there. I guess. casino? Yeah. You've done it? No, I haven't done it. No one does it. But big comics go there. I guess. What is it, 2000 Cedar or something? No, not even. It's like a little improv in the Harris. Really?

Yeah, but no one does it. It's like, I saw Dat Fan there once in 19- I opened for Dat Fan at Tulane when I was at Tulane. Oh, there you go. Yeah, I forgot. A lot of people went to Tulane, right? Jeslenik went there. Oh, Jeslenik. Because when i first started

it was i it's interesting when i first started i had this complex or this insecurity because you guys are such like comedy historians you know everybody's albums and all that stuff and i remember feeling like insecure where i was like i don't know much about the history of comedy i've never been to new orleans all you guys were like doing like the same. Those are the two? No, no, no. Because everybody was from New Orleans. You went to Tulane. You, Sean Patton. That's three people. No, no, no. Chesley, Theo, all those. Jesleneck went to Tulane.

Everybody was from New Orleans and I was like, I'm a piece of shit. I thought you needed a passport to go over the Brooklyn Bridge. How do you think I felt? I come to New York. All you motherfuckers are New Yorkers. I was a fish out of water. Dude, I remember when you were a janitor. And Eddie Murphy in Seinfeld. remember when you were a janitor. Remember when Mark was a janitor? You used to do it.

Professor Toms on 2nd Ave. I did that show. And then we did the show you used to run with Harrison. I did that show for a while. What was that show? What was the name of that venue? Sage. Sage. Yeah.

And Harrison was like... I remember all these shows. Sage was a great fucking show. And he had another one on 2nd Avenue. What was that venue called? Bar 82. Bar 82. Bar 82. Bar 82.

That's what... I used to do the open mic in there and then stay for your guy's show with Harrison. Harrison Greenbaum. It was hard to follow that baritone day. That was a great fucking show. Hell yeah. That's not even a venue anymore, right? Bar 82?

No, no. Completely. I actually haven't walked by it in fucking ever. That was a good bar. Hell yeah, dude. I had a lot of fun at Bar 82. I used to be a physical therapist, so I would do physical therapy. I remember.

We did some road gigs together back in the day. The three of us did one, remember? Which one? We did Mohegan Sun that one time. We did? All three of us? Yeah. Oh, with Amy.

No, it was other Amy's. I remember that. We were there with Amy. It was way long ago. Scott Robb was in the car with us. Like we were a triple headliner? Oh, Scott Robb, but he was doing the story on him, and we drove home that night. I don't remember that. I remember Scott Robb was in the car with us. Oh, Scott Robb, but he was doing the story on him and we drove home that night.

I don't remember that. Don't you remember Scott Robb doing that? I remember Scott Robb, yeah, but I don't remember this gig. It was us three and Scott Robb in the car. I remember that.

Yeah, and I think you were headlining because Esquire magazine was running. We were co-headlining and you were opening. I was opening. That's how long ago it was. Yeah.

Well, I got to the Beacon first, motherfuckers. But you guys will get to Radio City first. Dude, how about this? Hasan Minhaj texted me the other day. Shout out Hasan Minhaj. He's another guy who started comedy with.

Hasan Minhaj and, dude, the very first television show I ever got to be a part of was Philosophy. And it was on MTV. Hasan was the host and fucking Kevin Barnett was the panelist. Me and Kevin were the panelists r.i.p i miss kevin so much the great kevin barnett would have been huge but hassan this is what a beast fucking hassan minaj is he texts me last night he goes hey man are you around to do a set february 25th to 27th i'm doing some shows in new york i said uh i can't do 25 or 26 i'm on the road but 27 just let me know the venue. And he writes back Radio City.

I was like, you're doing a weekend at Radio City? He goes, yeah, I got five shows there. I was like, dude, you're throwing that around like it's an improv. He's just doing five at Radio City, just banging them out. What is that, 20,000? No, 5,000. No, 6,000 seats in Radio City. So 30,000 seats.

Did you bomb in Radio City? I opened for 6,000 seats in Radio City, so 30,000 seats. I bombed there once. Did you bomb in Radio City? I opened for the MTV Music Awards at Radio City. How many shows are you doing? Five. So that's what I'm saying, 20,000. He's huge. I thought he'd do more than that. No, Hasan is, I think Hasan's going to do The Garden.

Yeah, he's huge. If you're doing five shows in a 6,000-seater, that's 30,000. 30,000. Oh, that's bigger than The Garden, which is 20,000. He's huge. Like, I'm not shocked at all that he's doing that. Crazy. He's big.

That's my goal. I would... That is my goal. If I could just get to do one... I don't have to sell it out. One show at Madison Square Garden where I'm the headliner, that would be my goal. You'll get there.

Yeah, you'll get there. I mean, the garden now feels like a funny bone in Albany. I mean, it's like Sebastian's doing 13 of them. Louie did 10. Burr did a couple. It's just Schumer did one or two or three or four. Did you open for her there? Yeah.

I had to follow Madonna. Fun fact. She looked great, by the way. Yeah. Did she have the fake ass yet? Yes, she did. Best sex of my life. She's a fake ass? Oh, yeah. Pull up Madonna's ass. I great, by the way. Yeah. Did she have the fake ass yet? Yes, she did. Best sex of my life. She's a fake ass?

Oh, yeah. Pull up Madonna's ass. I mean, it's wild. Just pull her up. It's your home screen. It's like really big or something? This guy's acting like he has to Google it. She's 68 years old and she's got the ass of Khloe Kardashian.

She's got the ass of my kid's grandmother. Look at that thing. Nice Puerto Rican ass. I'm good. I don't like those. Yeah, that's a little ridiculous. Hey, that was anti-Semiticmitic yeah can't eat after this guy oh wow no she didn't have that ass when i saw her i gotta say that's a nice but i um i i think that um you know because what i heard about madison square garden is you don't really have to sell all those tickets because

scalpers buy them immediately right away scalpers buy the ticket dude that's right book the garden yeah should us should the three of us do the garden like we did and get scott rob back the band shout out to scott rob man great writer is he still with us yeah yeah he looked like a guy who was who could die any he lost a lot of weight did kovac kill him no oh He lost a lot of weight. Did COVID kill him? No. No, he lost a lot of weight. He looks great. Oh, he did? Shout out Scott Robb. Great writer.

Did that piece ever come out on you? I don't think so. No? I tried to kiss him on the lips. He touched his heart rate. I like Scott Robb. No, he wrote a great book. He's written a few great books.

I remember Scott Robb on that drive home was just a really cool, nice guy. Sweet kid. Good egg. Yeah. I remember Scott Robb on that drive home was just a really cool, nice guy. Sweet kid. Good egg. Yeah, I like Scott Robb. He used to buy me diner meals, and he was like, I don't know how you run around like this because he was a big guy. And I'd be like, ah, yeah. And he would get cabs everywhere because he didn't want to run.

So it was great for me. That's the thing, too, is like just now, just recently, I think it's the same for all three of us, is just the tickets are starting to come and the podcasting and all that. Finally. recently i think it's the same for all three of us is we just the tickets are starting to come and the podcasting and all that we found but it's like you know like people don't know like you know from 2009 to like literally a year ago it was slaving like hell like like i mean doing i remember dude i used to go and open i went up i was a physical therapist and i drove all the way to delaware just to do five minutes in front of mikeecchione he graciously gave me 20 bucks and then I drove all the way home and went right to my day job like yeah that's like sometimes I'll get messages from up-and-coming comics or whatever and be like hey like I have a

day job and like it's just so hard how did you do it and I'm like man if you're already messaging me that like you're never gonna make it like yeah I just I just was like there's no excuses i just want to make it so bad that i'm like i'll just do i i drove all the way up to the boston comedy festival you're always a hustler man thursday night i'll never forget thursday night 2012 drove all the way up to the boston comedy festival uh the first round to try to do five minutes just to get to the second round which would be the next week just you know to win a bullshit prize whatever just do anything i got immediately eliminated from the first round like immediately just you remember who beat you i drove adam newman ah that's hilarious i just gave him chiropractic advice

and uh adam newman yeah where's adam newman i miss adam newman does he live in new york he's in la i miss adam newman he's a nice He was another guy. He was part of our whole circle. Carolines. He was always at Carolines. He's an L.A. guy now. Yeah, no, he tweeted something how he needed a chiropractor in L.A. And I was like, my God. Good man.

What are you going to physical therapy for, by the way? My neck. I had two herniated discs in my neck. In your neck? Yeah. Shit, how'd that happen? Eating pussy. Yeah, I just ate a lot of pussy and it just, it took a toll.

I mean, I was just. It happens. I was, they said you were the best ever. And I was like, look, if this is the toll it takes, then I'm down. So. a lot of pussy and it just it took a toll i mean i was they said you were you're the best ever and i was like look if this is the toll it takes and i'm down so yeah that's like one i swear to god one guy he came in when i was i was a physical therapist he came in and he had a herniated disc out i think it was c5 or c6 that's what i got that's mine so c so this is funny so c5 c6 he comes in and he's like he's like um you know it's this big herniated disc whatever and my boss this wasn't me my boss who goes um he's like you know doing that he's like how do

you think this happened he goes oh he goes um he goes uh i think it was you know lifting up my kid or maybe it was swinging a baseball bat and then my boss says to him he goes he goes you sure it wasn't uh going down on a woman really and the guy and the guy goes uh the guy goes yeah i think it was going down on a woman haha you know like whatever it was going down a woman he goes well historically statistically if you if you herniate c5 or c6 it's because you're sucking cock like just joking around like just full like just a joke whatever ha and the guy goes yeah i am gay like that like and he was like okay no problem like you know like whatever and i was like and like the guy like who said yeah i am gay i was like it was a moment where like it was

laughed off but like i had the angle in like he truly like came out of the closet to us it was like begging for help i was like that guy's fully gay yeah and just was like yeah and like i was like i was like yikes we were just i mean, whatever you want to do. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Wow. We'll lay off your alternative lifestyle for a few weeks because we're trying to help you here. Dude, so. And that was Kevin Spacey.

I know. One crazy physical therapy. Well, two crazy physical therapy stories I have. One, this was 2011 maybe. Yeah. Guy comes in, back pain, okay? Just back pain, just generalized back pain. So, you know, you learn all the tests to reproduce.

You know, being a physical therapist is a lot of times people haven't come in with MRIs or x-rays yet. So you have to try to reproduce their pain. And then it kind of you work backwards to figure out how did this injury happen. And then that can dictate how I treat you Yeah, so this guy came in with this generalized back pain I'm doing all the tests that I've learned and because there's even tests to know if somebody's faking it for like a workman's comp There's even tests that we learn how to do that to be like, aha Like you're lying and then you know, we can you know, we won't let you you know, get away with that

Yeah, and and and all these tests are not working. Everything. I'm like, it's not workman's comp. It's not this. It's not that. What the hell is going on with this guy? So I was a licensed physical therapist, but I was new. So I call in my boss, who's a 30-year professional.

And I say, hey, Jim, I don't know what's going on with this guy. It's embarrassing, but can you come in and help? And he's like, absolutely. Whatever. You're a new student. You're a new therapist. Yeah, I'll come in what's going on with this guy. It's embarrassing, but can you come in and help? And he was like, absolutely. Whatever, you're a new student, you're a new therapist. Yeah, I'll come in. So we go in. He did every test I did. He's like, can't figure it out.

So he says to me, he goes, what's going on here, sir? He's like, can you just be honest with us? What's going on? He goes, I don't know, man. I hurt my back. And he goes, OK. He's like, but is there something else that's going on? Any information would help us.

We want to help you get out of pain because he was in excruciating pain. You believe me or you wanted some pills? Well, that's where I was going. I was like, maybe this guy wants pills. So in the physical therapy office that I was working at at that time, there was also a medical, an orthopedist that had an MRI machine and an x-ray machine. So everybody was pretty close. So he says, you know what, let's go get you an MRI. This way I can at least see the tissue and whatever. So, you know, we don't go into the MRI. That's, you know, another professional's job. The MRI or x-ray tech comes out and gets the doctor, the orthopedist immediately and comes over

and he's like, blah, blah, blah. And we're like, something's like, maybe it's a tumor. I don't know. Like something was serious. So then my boss and this orthopedist are friendly. So they go over and they start laughing. They're looking at the picture. They're laughing. And I was like,

the fuck? So they, the guy, my boss, Jim, he goes, Chris, come here,

come here. This is like my second week on the job. He goes, look at this, look at this. It's a gerbil. No, I didn't know what it was.

No, no, it wasn't that. it was a matchbox car wow he was taking his kids matchbox this is a true story he was taking his kids matchbox cars and shoving them up shoving them up his ass with condoms that would like he was trying to like um like massage his prostate like it was the only way he could come and he had gotten one of the matchbox cars lodged in his back and it was pushing on his uh lower like lumbar spine so he go we go in we go in and he goes um we go into the guy and and we and you know my boss says listen we got the mri results and uh you know you have a matchbox car or what looks like a matchbox car some type of item foreign we don't know the brand per se but you're fucking weird and the guy and the guy goes and i swear to god new york the guy goes the guy looks at he goes now how'd that get there i'll never forget he goes now how'd that get there

that's great and i was like and i was like okay and then and then the guy says listen it's no problem like my boss is you know you got to be professional. He goes, there's no problem at all. And goes, but you know, you have to get that surgically removed. On top of that. My ass hurts listening to that. No, but on top of that, on top of that, my boss then, you know, says, you know, listen, can you just disrobe? So maybe I can get it out. You know? What?

But when he disrobes, he sees he has a full like like rat like it almost his dick and balls look like purple oh my god so we're like what's happening now so so you know because now like multiple cars traffic yeah yeah so he goes so he goes um he goes uh is that bad and my boss says that looks like a sexually transmitted disease and he goes and he goes oh but i'm only i've only ever been with my wife he's like well you know you might want to talk to your wife the guy goes yeah i gotta talk to my wife and then like we're doing the exam and then like five minutes goes by he goes i've had been having sex with prostitutes you think that could be it

and then my boss is like yeah i'd say that's it yeah he goes how can we keep this a secret and then my boss says you know know, it's client privilege. Like, I'm not going to, we won't say anything. He goes, yeah, but I need medicine. I need medicine to get rid of this disease that I have. I think it wound up turning out he had like gonorrhea and chlamydia. Like, he was fucked. So he says he was at that time one of and this is way before the presidency

one of donald trump's lawyers whoa so he says to me because i was two three weeks onto the job he says hey you're a young guy i was single at the time you're representing stormy daniel yeah yeah he goes would you mind kind of putting this std medication in your name and then i'll come pick it up from your house i'll pay a thousand dollars a week for you hey and so i so i was like that now it was just me because my boss had left to go you know get a hot pack or whatever so he he kind of what and i didn't know what to do i was 24 at the time a thousand dollars a week sounds pretty good pretty good but i didn't know what to do so in that moment i kind of made a decision i said i said hold on like let me think about it and i went out and it's the only time in my life i ratted i ratted and i told i told i know

my father's like you fucking rat yeah i told my boss i said this is what happened he goes he goes into him he goes get the fuck out of my office like like they were friends these people he goes get the fuck out of my office he goes you're friends, these people. He goes, get the fuck out of my office. He goes, you're going to do this to a young. He goes, this kid just got his license. You're going to ruin his entire life because you want to fuck prostitutes? He goes, get the fuck out of my office. I never want to see you again.

Get the fuck out. And the guy wouldn't leave. And then my boss goes, you want me to call your wife right now and tell her what's going on? I have her number too. And the guy was like was like you know pull up his pants whatever and he goes he goes you know you could have like just ruined your whole career if you would have done that he goes you know that's malpractice that's you know code of ethics you could have done everything you know ruined your whole life and i said i know like thank god i was like you know and he was like you know you want to you want to do this for 20 years. Like, you would ruin your whole life.

I was like, absolutely. About 10 days later, MTV called me. They were like, hey, we will offer you an overall deal if you quit physical therapy tomorrow. I went and I said, I fucking quit. I was like, I'm not doing it. And you called the guy's wife. Yeah, I was like, I'm not doing it. And I fucked the guy's wife.

I was like, you want to get gonorrhea? I'll give you gonorrhea. Wow. the guy's wife i was like i was like you want to get gonorrhea i'll give you gonorrhea wow yeah so yeah and then and then a woman came in she had lower back pain i'm sorry she had uh tennis elbow lateral epicondylitis which they call tennis elbow right so she's got tennis elbow treating her for two hot like 40 year old divorcee hot so she goes um she goes uh she you know coming in for the tennis elbow treating her all it's good and then finally she comes she comes in one day and she goes she goes the pain is like radiating to my lower back i was like that's not possible from tennis elbow but you know she goes but it's in my lower back i was like well you got to go get like

a script you got to get a prescription from a orthopedist and and they have to refer you and then we could treat your lower back pain she's like can you just be like can you just like massage my lower back please like it's just like temporary i was like okay so i start massaging her lower back and she goes can you do a little lower i'm already on like the top of her like they're called like your sits bones i'm like which is like those like dimples that you see over like a person's like love the back dimples back dimples so i'm right there i'm massaging my thumbs whatever she goes go a little lower i was like i was like ma'am that's like your butt she's like that's where the pain is so i was like okay so then she goes i'm massaging it for a little bit there she goes lower i was like i was like come on like i was like are you serious she goes you're 24 25 years old she was like you don't want

to massage a hot 40 year old's lower back wow and i was like i do she was like, you know, I want to massage a hot 40-year-old's lower back. Wow. And I was like, I do. She was like, well, then do it. And then I would start like going lower. I was like, you sure this is okay? She was like, I want you to do this. And I was like, oh my God. She goes, does that door lock? I was like, I think it does.

Jesus. I swear to God. I had a fucking boner through my khakis like you can't imagine. And she goes, just go lower. So I kept going lower and lower and lower. And then I got to like the top of her pussy, which like soaked and she goes stick your fingers in it and i was like oh my god and then i swear to god is this a penthouse forum i don't believe this i finger i like put like my finger like i was like this is crazy so i put my fingers in her and she goes and

she like grabbed my cock which i said was rock hard was rock hard. I remember I had Dockers khakis on and they were like ripping at the seams. Stain proof. Thank God. Yes. And she goes, just unzip it. So I unzipped it and my fucking boner just like popped out like bing like that. And she sucked it four times. I blew a load right in her mouth.

Four times? Yeah. Oh, four strokes. Dude, you know how hot that is? Four strokes and I just blew a load in her mouth. Wow. She was like, oh, you're such a baby. I was like, don't say that.

And then she and then. But I had to. Better say that after than before. I know. I wound up having sex with her like three or four times. In the room? No, no, no. In later in life.

But I was like, that was one of the craziest fucking stories. Hot older woman? Hot older woman. And for the life of me. And this is a good thing. I cannot remember her. I remember her first name, not her last name. Wow.

Ladies, see how easy it is. It must be nice to be a gal. That's female privilege. Well, then I told my boss about that. Again, 30 years of experience. He goes, ah, your first one. I said, my first one. He goes, that happens every six months in an office like this.

I was like, really? He goes, yeah. Wow. He goes, a lot of times, like these women, you're helping them helping them you're giving them something their husband or or if they're single that they don't get and you're good at you know you know you're helping them ease their pain i was like i was like but isn't that wrong he was like yeah it is but he was like fuck it there's health care oh i was like okay yeah isn't sticking a fucking matchbox car up your ass wrong? Sure, but we're here to help people, damn it. We're human beings, god damn it.

Good for your gay's anatomy. Oh, yeah, dude. Gay. Gay's anatomy. Gay's anatomy is what I should name my special. That's a gay porn right there. Man, what a story. That's hot.

I'm turned on. It was hot shit, man. Man, you put a lab coat on, a woman will do anything. Four sucks. That's the name of your next special, dude. Yeah. That's like one time I was like maybe 22, 23, walking down like 6th Avenue-ish. You know like that part of the West Village, kind of by the Comedy Cellar where it's like,

I don't know where they even, like all the streets fucking intersect. And I'm like, I don't even know. It was like around West 4th Park. It's not a grid anymore. Yeah, I don't know what the hell was going on. It was like around West Forth Park. It's not a grid anymore. Yeah, I don't know what the hell was going on. It was like May before cars. So I'm walking out. I'm walking down the street.

And my boy was with me. I'm walking down the street. It's like, you know, 10 o'clock at night, summer night. And, you know, way before comedy, I was in the city hanging out. And a woman comes out like, you know, didn't look homeless, didn't look crazy, nothing. She comes out of an apartment. She goes, I just need to suck somebody's dick. I have to suck.

I swear to God. What is this? This feels like an MTV show. I swear to God. She goes, well, that's what I thought. Suck it or not. What do you think? She goes, I just have to suck somebody's dick.

I thought I was on Punk'd. Punk'd was popular at that time with Ashton Kutcher. She goes, I just need to suck somebody's dick. I was like, I was just there. Me and my boy were just there. And she goes, you boys want to get your dick sucked and and and i was like we both were like what she goes take the mask off it's john travolta yeah yeah i was like yes and then she literally got on her knees at 10 30 at night on whatever street that was and sucked both of our dicks

for like neither one of us came but it was like two minutes and then she walked away there's eight guys booking a flight to new york right now i know you're gonna save this economy yeah it's true what yeah that that those are like that those are like moments in my life from like was that real did that really just fucking happen my virginity was like that a lady was on the on the balcony flashing on bourbon street we looked at her we said hi she said come up and that was how i lost that's fucking nuts every now and then but see for a guy this is like a godsend for a woman this is a a you know victim moment it's fascinating how different it is well now i've gone to an age i'm 37 now and maybe i've had enough sex or enough sexual experiences in my

life where now it's like i know this sounds like gay and weird, but like I really, like if I was single, like I really would like rather be with a woman because of her personality than her looks. I feel I'm getting old too. I'm 38 and I feel sick. The comments are exploding right now. Yeah, like I get the fake tits. I get the fake ass.

I know what a blowjob feels like. I know what it's like to have sex with a hot woman from every, I get it. It's like, can I have a conversation with you? Like, do you want to talk about history? Hey man and shit like do you want to do that it's fascinating i mean you have to be somewhat attractive like we're normal people like men and women trade places with age like when we're in our you know 18s and 20s it's like i'll fuck anything i'll fuck a blow-up doll i'll fuck a dumpster whatever it is and then women are all like i need a personality and then women start getting horny at 30 whatever and then men get a little more like i need a person i need to talk to somebody yeah they flip

it's fascinating i'm trying to say as we get older we become better yes yeah they turn into men they get horny they do they just want to get casual sex they're divorced they're fucking ready to go you know i'm with you chris i mean the older i get it's like yeah it's that shit the peace and the just chilling well you have a good relationship with your girl because it's more of the personnel. I mean, she's beautiful, but it's more of the personality based stuff. It's like so much in common. It's like it's like I get like the thing is, is like I get it. I know what it's like to have sex with beautiful.

I get it. It's like if there's no connection, it's like. And it also lasts 12 seconds. Yeah, I get it, dude. I'd rather jerk off. I'd rather fuck a guy that I'm really into. Am I saying, dude, what are you doing later? Maybe'd rather fuck a guy that I'm really into. Am I gay? What are you doing later?

Maybe. You want to hang out? I'm doing Ari's show. I'm going to fucking bomb. Do you have any stories prepared? I'm doing a very short story that I've been doing in my act. See, his is punched out. Is there a, hey, is that fair?

Is he allowed to do that? I thought he could. The story's a story. All right. Is that fair? You mean being prepared? Is that fair? I thought he could. The story's the story. All right. Is that fair? You mean being prepared? Is that fair? I'll allow it.

How the fuck is it going to be shit talking me because I fucking worked on my story? I'm not shit. I'm jealous. I'm like, I haven't thought of one yet. Fuck. We're worried about ours. We're going to bomb up there. It's a fucking rammer.

We got to get Norman to Perkowitz. If I bomb with a prepared bit, that's even more embarrassing. At least you guys aren't. We got to get Norman to Perkowitz. But let me just say, you went back. Your adderall hasn't kicked in because we're all over the road i know sorry about that we gotta talk about the fact that we talk about the early stages how horrible that was how hard it was driving to delaware for five five bucks five minutes whatever it is i don't know if i could do it again could you do it again the fact that

we were in our 20s you're drunk the whole time you're you're ambitious you're looking for adventure it made it okay but knowing how hard it was i don't know if i can do it now i don't know if it's worse or better i mean it's better because of social media because you can kind of blow up if you have a decent act on social media but there's no shortcuts in stand-up there's no shortcuts but dude i'll say this we might have been drawing earlier if we started now only because of social media. I agree with you.

But our act might be stunted because you're just so focused on social media. I'm happy it took 12 years for us to start to sell tickets because now I know at the very least I'll give them a good show.

You know? Yeah. I think you're probably right. I just think I think it works both ways where, you know. Well, how many people do you see putting out albums two years in and you're like what are you doing now you're just showing

people how not good you are you're just putting that out there i think i think what happened what happens with with must have happened with all of us to you know to get through whatever 10 12 years of this is i never stopped for a sec i never thought about how hard it was going to be to make it i never thought about that same i just going to be to make it. I never thought about that. Same, same. I just said, I'm going to – and I never tried to do any tricks. I never tried to do like, oh, maybe I'll get big because I'll – I know the algorithm. I never thought about that.

I said, I want to get – if I'm going to get big and popular, I want it to be on the backbone of my jokes. I want it to be on my bits. That's what I want. I don't want it to be on because i went viral because i you know somebody hit me in the face with a watermelon right i don't want that right you know how we close our shows dude fucking nail me with a watermelon dude i i hear you i'll come well you did it the right way i mean everyone respects you because of that but i mean it is definitely uh it's a slower rise but i would hope we we stay a little longer because of this, that it took a,

I think, you know, there's some people that, I don't know what just fell on you. What just fell on me? What the hell? An egg. Oh, is my girl pregnant again? That's how strong Chris's sperm count is.

A shot of low down at nine months. But I think when like, you know, I remember years, it must've been like eight years ago, Louie said something, maybe it was less than eight, maybe it was like five or six. But like Louis said, you don't want to do this.

You want to do this. Yeah. You want to hile. Yeah, man. I mean. Shut up. I also think I didn't put like an album out. I mean, none of us put our shit out for a while.

I still don't have an album out. What? I'm putting it out. Well, I got a special, but no album. I'm putting my first album out next year. Comedy Central didn't release that as an album, too? Why not? I don't know.

Smart man. They fuck you. Yeah, I did my half hour special. I did my hour special, and that's all I have. And they never gave you any audio on that? No. No, I'm going to do it for the first time next month and put it out in a month. We should all re-record our shit because Spotify is just raping us.

Yeah. Spotify pulled two of my albums. Did they pull your albums? Yeah, yeah. Spotify just... What do you mean pulled them? They're allowed to do that? I believe that this Rogan and Neil Young shit is a distraction from the fact that they don't pay their artists.

They don't. They don't pay comics. They pay... You know why? I found out why. Why? Because when you are a musician, you got to pay the writer, the performer, and whoever. A comic is all those things. So they'd have to pay us the writer the performer and whoever that's a comic is all those

things so they'd have to pay us all those those and maybe there's like a new deal to be had where it's like a i don't know because we should be getting paid for that it's like it's like some what we write all our own material like a man you know somebody who writes a script they get paid on that like i'm writing a script but it's on i'm performing that's why we're all doing nine podcasts exactly cookies are getting drunk at noon. Dude, I'm fucking feeling great right now. Isn't that good? Dude, I'll tell you, that's a pretty good martini.

No, honestly, dude. I feel like I'm a decent bartender here. No, you are. And I'm sorry I judged you immediately because I was like, there's no way that's going to taste good. And now it's like, dude, is that a gin or vodka? I can't tell. You asked for vodka, didn't you?

I did, yeah. Hey, man. We'll have that bottle. We would never disrespect a guest. Dude. We're happy you're here. We're happy to have you. No, good to have you.

Wait, hold on. Oh, I did a Gotham. I had like one Conan under my belt and maybe like a half hour or something, Comedy Central. And Gotham called and they said, will you do a panel and talk to young up-and-coming comics? I was like, look, I'm nobody, but I'll do it. Every guy there was like i work a day job i have two dogs there's no way i can do open mics what do i do or how do i get an agent out of the gate and you're like the dogs are worse than the job because the dogs you're

like are you gonna get rid of the dogs right and i was like you're all you're screwed you're fucked you're fucked and i was like do you want to do comedy yeah i think i like comedy ah you're out you're already out if you're putting this shit in front of comedy, then it's not going to work. You got to love it. You got to love it. You got to want to do it. Well, that's the thing. It's not just comedy.

It's like anything you want to do in life. Any audience member that's listening, whatever your goal is in life, just understand the money comes second. You have to put the passion first, and the money will always come second. I remember vividly, I had mono. I had mono. mononucleosis i was maybe 12 years old i had mono and my mother had gout so we were both bedridden wow yeah i remember i missed like two weeks of school and i was watching oprah because my mother watches oprah all the time and i was watching oprah in the early 90s or mid 90s and i you know i was my mono dude i

was fucked up and i remember oprah did was doing some you know one of her talk shows and she said that she goes she goes and remember she goes remember that the money always comes second the passion comes first the money comes second if you remember that you'll always be successful in life and i remember being a little kid for you know whatever fate like those words just got like burned in my head yeah and that's very true like now i can sit here and it's like you know i got like burned in my head yeah and that's very true like now i can sit here and it's like you know i'm doing okay like my family has what they want i have like stuff beyond my wildest dreams and it's like because the money came second exactly i i i i was paying i was losing money for the first seven years but i didn't give a fuck because i

wanted to do it but you love doing that i love doing it that's what i love i enjoy watching you on stage a lot because you are very free. And you're like, you don't give a shit in the best possible way. Like, you give a shit, but you don't give a shit. And those are my favorite comics to watch where it's kind of like. Unpredictable. Unpredictable, but also like, Chris has levels to him. Where like, he can go on drunk and be hilarious.

He can go on and be tight and be hilarious like you have levels to you're just a funny person no i appreciate it and the key to you is you're vulnerable as hell like especially guys like us we're very rely on the act we're jokey you just open up up there you let it all out and that works well because what happened for me is is when i had you know my my i have two kids now i have a six-year-old and a seven seven month old but when i had my six-year-old i realized like shit like not a negative way not like you know i don't care whatever passive aggressive but i kind of like in a spiritual way was like i don't really care what anybody else thinks of me other than my children if my children look at me and are

happy with me and i'm doing a good job as their dad, that's all that matters. So I'll go on stage. Listen, I'm not a guy. None of us are guys. I don't think you can be hateful and funny. There's no way Hitler was funny. You know what I mean?

So it's like when people get, quote unquote, canceled or- Be a real bummer if he was. Oh, imagine he fucking ripped. Like Hitler, terrible person, but he's pretty witty yeah i know i know you're like going into the holocaust like it was a good joke though he's giving a speech but thank you just for the weather it's nice

just yeah but but so i so i realized like you know like i'm not a hateful person man like sometimes my jokes like you know like i'll talk about race or this or that i'm like i'm not a hateful person man like sometimes my jokes like you know like i'll talk about race or this or that i'm like i'm just being it's always coming from a place of what i want to be funny yeah so i kind of got over the fact of like some people might get offended at that like whatever man like you know i do jokes about uh i did a joke about a kid one of my nephews who had a peanut allergy and all these people who are parents of children with peanut allergies were attacking me being like, you're a piece of shit. Like, I hope your kids die.

And all that. And I'm like, whatever, man. I don't want anyone with a peanut allergy to be affected negatively. I'm just making fun of my truth. That's all I'm doing. They really react. And that's the problem with the internet is you react without thinking. But I mean, what you're doing is you're trying to put something positive into the

world your intent is pure yeah these are people who are like i hope your kids die yeah take a step back before you write that take a step back before you write that in print exactly you psycho put you they just they just go off emotion they just go off reaction and just type. It's bad. That's pure hatred. That's the irony. Yes. They're mad at you for they think you're being hateful. Yeah.

It's vitriol. Yes. The best thing I ever did for my psyche, I guess, and I don't do this all the time because it's such an addicting thing, social media. It's just like cancer, like a cigarette. I really do think science will look at the internet and social media like you know in 50 years like we look at like cigarettes you know how science looked at cigarettes now like yeah there used to be ads for cigarettes when we were children there were ads promoting cigarettes like i think social media's

got like that you know corrosive property to it but the best thing i because there's no way around social media we have to do it right and it works we have to do it to sell best thing i because there's no way around social media we have to do it right and it works we have to do it to sell tickets what i do though now is i post the thing i need to post for the day and i do not look at the comments i do not worry if it's bombing i do not worry if it's not getting uh enough interaction i don't do it i say i made the decision to post this i stand by it whether it crushes or doesn't and i do not look at it again i don't do it. I say, I made the decision to post this. I stand by it, whether it crushes or doesn't. And I do not look at it again. I don't care what you said.

It's so hard to do that, though, because as comics, our job is to edit based on the response. So that's very difficult. I mean, like, our acts are like, oh, I don't care what you think. Well, then you're a bad comic. But with social media, I get what you're saying. It is a different thing. You kind of do have to stand behind stuff. It's going out to the world, not a comedy audience. Sure. So you're saying it is a different thing you kind of do have to stand behind stuff it's going out to the world not a comedy audience yeah sure so yeah it is

different but i get both of your points you're both right well no i agree with him i'm just saying it's interesting because it is with what we do it is a different you know because my whole thought is my whole thought has been like you know having kids i'm like what am i gonna do sit here and obsess over comments or not it's like i i gotta feed my kid man kid i gotta push my kid in a swing like i i i can't i don't care what you have to say because also the truth is is i believe and this is again not just comedy you know it to comment positively or negatively on anything is a psychotic kind of person like agreed 95 of people don't discourage positive comments well positive is good we love you guys in the youtube thank you well youtube's different i mean like on instagram it's like you know i

comment on you guys like people i know like this is amazing whatever but it's like if i don't know you're a complete stranger to comment anything on me is like crazy where it's like even the people who message you and like hey you know you've helped me through a tough time and blah blah i appreciate it's all no no i appreciate it it's all beautiful i appreciate it i do appreciate it but you have to understand like even that is a level of a mental ill like like you don't want to interact with that. You don't want to do that at all because listen, the 1975 are a band that I love. They've helped me through breakups.

They've helped me through. I love that band. I've never once. And I have, you know, Alex Edelman is a guy or a friend, a friend of the show. I'm sure Alex Edelman opens for them,

knows them personally. Is that right? Yes. I've never once even messaged them, asked for them, knows them personally. Is that right? Yes. I didn't know that. I've never once even messaged them, asked for anything, because it's like, it's psychotic. I don't know them. Right. If they somehow, if I found out somehow, oh, they heard this bit or that bit, okay, fine.

But it's like, they're just helping me. I don't need you to know that. Right. So it's this thing where I realize about the internet. But if they reached out to you, wouldn't you feel good? Oh, 100% I would. But they wouldn't, because it's this thing where I realized about the internet. But if they reached out to you, wouldn't you feel good? Oh, 100% I would. But they wouldn't.

Because they, maybe their assistant would. They might. But that's the whole thing. But maybe they would. What if they're like, hey, I like your stuff. I think it's just a polite. They're people too. Hey, I loved your thing on that. Is that okay?

Yeah, that would be cool. But they're also like an established band. I am talking. You're an established comic. You did the beacon. Not really. You know Kevin Spacey. Fuck you, dude. You fucked Travolta. You did The Beacon. Not really. You know Kevin Spacey. Fuck you, dude.

You fucked Travolta. Did you hear how many stories this guy told? I know. This is the self-hatred. This is the guy who does Letterman and then goes right

to the Village Lantern. I know. And you know what else I left out straight? I ate 99 cents pizza. I used to eat those all the time. That was good pizza,

by the way. I used to eat those all the time. You think New York's coming back, by the way? I don't know if you talked time. You think New York's coming back, by the way? I don't know if you talked about this before, but doesn't it feel alive again now? It does and it doesn't. It feels almost pre-2019.

It feels almost 2019. Almost. I don't know. I don't know about that. I wish. I want it to be that. Who's the guy who's not taking the train? He's driving in.

That's the problem. Are the trains empty? No, they're just shady. They're shady right now. It's like the 80s on the train yeah but but but that but but that means though that it's gonna come back yeah i hope so we're not gonna live like this worst case we get some good art out of this hey man think about all the good movies we got out of the new york being a shithole taxi driver hell yeah dog day afternoon i hope you're right but hollywood sucks it's

gonna have to be some independent motherfucker on an iPhone. I watched Power of the Dog because of you. It's good. It's great. Great movie. Dude, it's $7.50. Holy shit. This show started 20 minutes ago, the show we're supposed to be on. Oh, really?

Let me check. We're all popping into Ari Shaffir's secret storytelling show. Holy shit. And we might be fucking him, so we should probably wrap this episode up. When does this episode come out? I'm not sure plug some days okay go to chris d go to chrisdcomedy.com um i have a theater tour um i have cleveland detroit indianapolis denver yeah um all these places so just go go check it out. Portland, Seattle. It's really... Las Vegas.

So go to chrisdcomedy.com. If there's curtains up in some of the venues, it's because I'm sponsored from Blinds to Go. It's not because I'm not selling tickets. Ah, you're doing fine. We love you. Thank you. I love you.

All right, we'll jump in an Uber and get the hell over to that show. No, I got my car. I'm going to drive drunk. Oh, I'll drive if you want me to. All right, fine. I'll do it. We got... Yeah, I got Sacramento car. I'm going to drive drunk. Oh, I'll drive if you want me to. All right, fine. I'll do it. I got Sacramento, San Diego.

I don't know when this is coming out. Orlando, West Palm, Columbus, Salt Lake, all that, the Beacon. Hopefully, we'll sell out soon. And then we got fucking Toronto. Something. Adam Sandler there. I don't know what else

um a bunch of other shits coming uh brea uh houston dania beach a lot of shit oh i'm doing that dania you did that chris you did the floor i like dania is it good i had a good time in dania man it's uh fort lauderdale is awesome oh a lot of shit's coming it's samuel.com slash shows but i'm at him by the day yeah same here mark norman comedy.com all kinds of fort wayne indianapolis uh la jolla you know raleigh coming up vague not vegas uh shit chicago i've been drinking so uh mark norm comedy, out to lunch. Check out the Netflix. I hate myself. Hey, babe.

Chicago, too. I'm at Chicago. I'm going to shoot a special there. Oh, are you really? What venue? The Den. The Den. Hell yeah.

That's the cool spot. You're shooting another special on YouTube? Yeah. You see? You're a fucking monster. He puts it out. He's a machine. I mean, hey, man.

All right. We'll see. You heard it here a fucking monster. He puts it out. He's a machine. I mean, hey, man. All right. We'll see. We'll see. You heard it here first, folks. Thanks. Keep drinking. Patreon. Get on it.

We got new merch. Check it out. Go gay. I love you. Praise Allah. We'll see you in hell. Trump 2024. Sunday's the day for my neck bender.

A bit of Piva Rec. You know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon and Norman's talking shit about the fucking pub and I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans, this woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same way

We might be true