We Might Be Drunk - Ep 68: Twhiskey Sours

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

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Are you almost ready? Can we start, Matt? Yeah, I'm good to go. You want to just start up? Come on, Peters, have like at least a sip. It's nice when you have at least a sip. Can I leave it with music, Matt? Who's this? It's like this music that was called like Cosmic Bachelor music.

Are we on right now? Yeah, we're on. Okay. Alright. Cosmic Bachelor? Jesus, man. What the hell? It's a style of music.

It's like, let me look it up. Before I open my big mouth. I feel like I'm on vacation in the Philippines or something. We welcome you, Mr. American Man. Yeah, they put a lay on you. Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We're doing it.

We might be drunk. We're back. Sammy, Fatty, we got the beer Jew. We got Google Bitch Salicus in the house. We're cooking. Google Bitch? Is that sticking? I hope so.

Sorry, dude. He was aiming for Soup Man with that shirt, but you're Google Bitch. No soup for you. We're going Google Bitch. Oh, yeah. Nuggets for you, though, today? Yes, Salicus was nice enough to bring in some nugs. What a good guy.

He knows he's on thin ice, so he's trying to bring in something. Nugget, please. Oh, my God. Denver. I was going to say nugget, please. Oh, my God. Denver. I was saying nugget, please. I'd like a nugget. Easy, Rogan. All right.

But, yeah, we're cooking. I haven't seen you. We haven't done an ep in a while, it feels like. It's been a minute, man. Yeah. How are you doing? Good. I'm excited.

Listen to this run I got cooking. La Jolla this weekend. I was just there. You were just there. Beautiful. Beautiful. It'solla this weekend. I was just there. You were just there. Beautiful. Beautiful. It's magical over there. Shout out to Billy Bonnell, who's a super funny guy, and Alec Perrin,

who's very funny as well. I feel like Billy is one of those dudes who's been at it a while, though, and doesn't get his due, so check out Billy Bonnell. There's a great little short doc on him. He's had a tragic life. I don't know Billy Bonnell. He did House Party back in the day. You know, he's... The movie? No, uh,'t know Billy Bonnell. He did House Party back in the day. The movie? No.

Adam Devine. Sorry. I did John Oliver. Wow. I did House Party. Okay. That was back when Comedy Central had a couple stand-ups on their shows. Back in those days. It was like when MTV played music. At this point, shitting on Comedy Central it's like shitting on a sink that's already gone down it's like

fucking with a person in a wheelchair like it's literally like we're on the getaway boats in that titanic and we're just flicking off the boat um no billy there's a doc on him and like his upbringing which is like you know spoiler like not too much of a spoiler, but he's had a pretty tragic upbringing and he talks about it and he makes it funny. Good guy. Funny guy. Check out Billy Bonnell. All right.

And the beach in La Jolla, man. It's one of those clubs you're like, how does this work? The beach is three blocks away. Everybody here is gorgeous. They're tan. They're blonde. They surf all day. They drink all night.

They fuck. They do Molly. And they're cool. And they're cool. There's no garbage on the street. That's why they're cool. surf all day they drink all night they fuck they do molly there's no and they're cool and they're cool and there's no garbage that's why they're cool that's why but la has that but they're all entitled precious cunts you know what is that why is it i guess san diego it's like la minus showbiz that's what it is and for some reason that lowers the although la jolla is super expensive to live it is yeah but it's it you minus the showbiz and it's people that are just kind of chill people living and the weather's perfect and there's a crisp in the air and the sunshine is warm so yeah

it's just good living out there it's la people that don't look over your shoulder while you're having a conversation that's what la jolla is that's what san diego san diego some of the best mexican food you ever have amazing there's a burrito stand i think it's called taco stand taco stand yeah yeah california burrito incredible There's a burrito stand. Taco stand. Taco stand. Yeah, yeah. California burrito. Incredible. French fries in the burrito. Woo!

Yeah, dude. That's a hangover cure right there. Yeah, a lot of good stuff there. I had a great time. Eight shows. I was having a blast, man. You write a lot when you're doing that many shows. Oh, yeah. So what is it?

Two Thursday, two Friday, three Saturday? Two Saturday, two Sunday. It wouldn't give me three Saturday. Max me at eight. I would have spent a week there if they let me. Hell yeah. It's a nice little getaway. I can't wait.

I'm pretty pumped. But then, okay, so I do that. Great. It's going to be a great week. I got Zoltan opening. I got Parent hosting. You're going to love him. Yeah.

Then fly to Utah, going skiing with Ari, Shane Gillis, Kreischer, DeRosa, Sean Patton. That's going to be insane. Oh my god. What are we drinking here? This isn't the Rusty Nail again, is it? No, this is not the Rusty Nail again. This is basically a little twist on

the classic whiskey sour. Ooh! Different sweeteners in there, like St. Germain. And we're doing a little grain wear in the air to give it a little cognac punch to it. So it should be nice. What's it called? You know what? I didn't come up with a name of it.

How about the Twisky Sour? Hey. A twist on the whiskey, right? I like it. I like it. Twisky. Hey, hey. Bottoms up.

Ooh, that's smooth, dude. Whoa, man Whoa Jesus Christ Why are you doing this to us? I could have ate a piece It's not too sweet It's still got a kick I love it The whiskey riff

The whiskey riff That's not bad That's good Yeah I like it Dude You know what whiskey sour Makes me think of every time

Is for some reason Something about Mary. Because there's that one scene where Matt Dillon on the water is like, give me a Whiskey Sour. Oh, yeah. Man, he stole that movie from me. He's like, ah, yeah, that kid's a mongoloid. He's got a four-hand. Mongo?

Mongo. He's got a four-hand, like a drive-in movie theater. I love when they go to his office and he shakes his hand, his pants are down. I mean, everything is great. That's one of those movies that we'll show our kids. And they'll be like, this is problematic. And I'll be like, this is comedy. I know. This is what

humor is. This is brilliant. This is like the peak of Farrelly. Dad, you're so cheesy. You think this is funny? Cheesy? It's gold, I know. That's what people say. These kids, they're going to be watching Paper Bag. There we go, see? This Paper Bag is funny.

This is art. No one gets hurt. There's no victim. Shut up. Excuse me, I ordered a whiskey sour. Why did Matt Dillon get more comedies? He's so good. I know, he really is.

He's so good. His brother might have ruined it for him with Johnny Drama. Oh, that's right. He was so good in that. He's good too I know. He really is. He's so good. His brother might have ruined it for him with Johnny Drama. Oh, that's right. He's so good in that. He's good too, yeah. But he's the loser. He plays the loser so well. Well, he's not stalking a woman in this movie. He's not a cool guy. He's just a good

looking dude. That's the genius of that movie. You don't realize how creepy the plot is because every character is so likable. That's true, yeah. You ever had a white head on your eyeball yeah remember harland williams in that he was killer oh he was and dumb and dumber oh man pull over it's a cardigan sipping on grandpa's cup as in oh man it's great get the hell out of here get the hell out of here oh he's great so good Six minute abs Abs

Killer Oh yeah Something about Mary I watched recently It holds up Oh yeah Lee Evans Incredible

Lee Evans He's great in that You two should be Kissing my hairy Fucking bean bag The scene where he just Hits him And he breaks the accent

I love her man That's fucking great They show his Driver's license He's got the long hair he's a total hippie oh it's so good classic so the whole is you got you got salt lake which is a beautiful place we're on a park city we're doing one night of shows three shows that's it's paying for the whole weekend we got a huge house with a hot tub we got ski equipment already taken care of with all these do you guys all know how to ski?

I'm going to snowboard. Do you know how to snowboard? I do. Yeah. How do you learn that? I'm not great. Well, I used to skateboard for years. So it's pretty similar.

You know, you're standing sideways. It's, you know, I pick it up. I fall the first hour, but then I get it. I'm always, that's how people die. Oh, Sonny Bono. That's how Liam Neeson's wife died. Is that right? Yeah. Not snowboarding, skiing.

She was taken. Impact. Sonny Bono. That's how Liam Neeson's wife died. Is that right? Is that right? Yeah, not snowboarding, skiing. She was taken. Impact. Sonny Bono. You missed marks. Bono, yeah. Yeah. Bobby McFerrin, I think, broke both legs skiing. Don't worry, be happy.

Damn. Yeah, skiing will get you. It'll get you. That's something that probably will go away in like 50 years. Skiing? Well, it's literally so dangerous. go away in like 50 years. Well, it's literally so it's just on the snow going

around trees, you know, hills, slope. I don't know. It just feels so dangerous. Also, there won't be snow. So what are the sleeping quarters like there? All these comics in one house? Yeah, we get a giant house and there's, you know, a bunch of bedrooms. Everyone's got

their own room. Yeah. Last time we went I gave everyone a VD. We all got in the hot tub naked drunk and apparently i had something cooking and it just seeped out the hot tub and i disgusting yeah this guy ryan o'neill was there he almost got divorced because his wife's like what the fuck he's like i swear to god it's from a dude you know she's like what yeah it's a whole thing yeah you can get that shit from like towels you can get it from a towel. Don't ask me how I know the towel one. Is that right?

Yeah. Yeah, what a bummer. A towel. Yeah, a bunch of roommates. Yeah, we shared a towel. Whoa. Yeah, and I was like, what the hell? And they were like, yeah, I think that's from a towel.

Well, which one? How serious are we talking? AIDS? Yeah. I knew it. I have AIDS. But luckily, it's cured by a whiskey riff. Yeah.

Alcoholism cures AIDS. You got that right. Hormones have a slash pharmacy. No, I forgot what it was. It was just some fungal shit. I was like 20 or something. But it went away quickly. But it was like, man, this is fucking embarrassing.

Yeah. I just learned that jock itch and yeast infection are the thing hanley's got a bit about it oh he does yeah yeah oh wow a bit about how he thought he had it but he had a yeast infection yeah i was boinking a soccer player in college she was a pretty hot little lady but she was always you know kicking and screaming and uh you know the sunshine the the you know it was a it was a swamp downtown yeah and so i'd catch her after a game she'd be all hot and bothered you know we'd go at it and uh no hands but uh you know we'd go at it and then yeah and uh i got a jock itch from her i got it i had it for like eight months i couldn't get rid of it wow it burned like hell it itched it was gross jeez you know

how i got rid of it hot tub yogurt really there's cultures in yogurt that kill the fungus so i was eating tubs of yogurt a day took you took some gogurt you sprayed some on your nuts yeah it looks like jizz anyway yeah so that was it yogurt you just eat a lot like activia is that yes exactly you need those cultures. Remember the whole Activia ad campaign? Jamie Lee Curtis is just like, do you have diarrhea? She didn't say it, but it was basically like, this is if you have diarrhea. That was the whole ad.

Pretty much. You're old. Your bowels are gross. Eat this and eat the fiber. She was too hot to be doing a diarrhea ad. I feel like you have to be a little older to be doing it. You have to be at least 70. Yeah, give that to Ellen Barkin or some shit.

Give it to Robert Wagner. I remember those ads reached peak sadness when some woman came on and she was like, oh, hey, you're the Activia lady. She was like, I'll take that. She was like, she accepted her role. Oh, she said that? Yeah. She doesn't get her due as a hot lady.

She doesn't because it was that weird hermaphrodite rumor. Was that real? No, but it was a rumor. Oh, I said that? Yeah. She doesn't get her due as a hot lady. She doesn't because it was that weird hermaphrodite rumor. Was that real? No, but it was a rumor. Oh, I spread that. When there's a rumor, yeah. I thought it was real. It's not the only thing you spread. Did you spread it in the tub?

I'd love to give her a little beauty. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, she looked good in Knives Out. Yeah, yeah, not bad. She's older. She's older, yeah. Pretty older yeah, for sure. Yeah, she looked good in Knives Out. Yeah, yeah, not bad. She's older. She's older, yeah. Pretty older woman.

There she is, yeah. But, like, still, you know, nice looking. I think she was considered a hot lady for sure. I mean, True Lies, Trading Places. Good point. The True Lies scene. Raise your hand if you never masturbated to the True Lies scene. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Nah, touche. That's what I thought. Come closer to the bed. That wasche. That's what I thought. Come closer to the bed. That was hot. That's a good movie. Great movie. Great movie. The only time I enjoyed Tom Arnold.

Really? Ah, yeah. He's a lot. He is a lot, but he's kind of fun. He's fun. Look at that. She was in that movie Perfect with Travolta. Look at that lady.

That is a specimen. I don't know what you were talking about. There's a photo of her out there. That's it with the red and the sunglasses. Pull up that photo with the red. Jesus Christ.

The sunglasses. The body's insane. Oh my Lord. Oh! I mean, imagine walking around like that. Come on! And a dick too.

I'll take it. A few of our listeners just stopped watching to jack off. We lost them. You got that right. They've had a few drinks and are like, we'll see you guys. We're going to pause. We'll be. You got that right. They've had a few drinks.

They're like, we'll see you guys. We're going to pause. We'll be back later. Also, to have the short hair, I feel like short hair is tough for a lot of ladies, but with her, you don't even notice it. Yeah, name another really hot actress, short hair. Mariska Hargitay, for sure. Sure, sure. Natalie Portman, for a minute, had short hair.

She's really pretty. Halle Berry. Oh, Berry's another one. Halle Berry's an obvious. Oh, my Lord. Oh, Jesus Christ. What the hell? This is pre-porn too So this is all you needed Alright I gotta get out of here

The podcast is over You guys have been great we'll see you next week We didn't even get to Travolta Where's Travolta Travolta's not bad either This is also back when you didn't have to have an ass. Oh, yeah. Those were good days for white women.

Yeah. All right, is this what the pod has become? We're like those guys outside of the department store staring at the TV. What the hell is going on? Oh, wow, this was a movie. That's how horny people were. We'll go sell, pay $12 to see that. That's true.ny people were. We'll go sub pay $12 to see that. That's true.

Yeah. Damn. I mean, I was looking at, you know, Victoria's Secret catalogs and bra ads back in the day. There he is. Oh, yeah. He had. And little did we know he's a big gay. Is he?

Oh, what are you kidding? Have you heard the masseuse stories? I heard. Maybe he's bi. We don't know if he's just gay. All right. He's probably bi. He does have kids and a wife. I've heard the masseuse stories. Look heard. Maybe he's bi. We don't know if he's just gay. All right. He's probably bi. He does have kids and a wife.

I've heard the masseuse stories. Look at that. He's just shaking it. That's what Sam told me. That's a weird workout for a guy. Yeah. I don't know if you have to work your fucking vagina muscle. Right.

He's doing kegels. John Travolta's got the tightest pussy of any. Yeah. You need a little grease if you're going to get in there. Travolta's got the tightest pussy of any. Yeah, you need a little grease if you're going to get in there. Travolta's a man. Oh, I like him. Even Stefano did. Oh, yeah, he told a story on the day.

Yes, great story. Yeah, hopefully that one's out by now. Matt's saying yes. Thank you. So you got Salt Lake. What else? So go on skiing for a week. One of the best clubs, too, wise guy.

Great club. I'll be there in April with Gary Veeder. and I think it's the first playoff game is Saturday, so I'm hoping it's a day game. We're fucking going. If there's a day Utah Jazz game, you know we're going. And the stadium's across the street from the club, basically. I know. Wow, that'll be amazing.

That'll be dope. Mm-hmm. I'll root against them, because I want donovan mitchell to come to new york oh there you go man you would beat her he's like your make-a-wish kid you're taking him to games and sold out clubs a big lollipop yeah hat with a propeller balloon where else you going so then so tampa i'm shit la jolla skiing in utah and then straight to tampa for side splitters tampa love it love size but no green room but hey you're next to like a fucking xerox machine skiing in Utah and then straight to Tampa for side splitters. Tampa. Love it. Love size.

We're no green room, but Hey, you're next to like a fucking Xerox machine. I'm like, how do you have a Xerox machine, but not a green room? I know. Right.

What the hell's going on? What year is it? You got a beta max. Hopefully Bobby Jewel. He make an appearance. He'll probably pop in and call me a pussy. Does he? So if you're listening,

you don't know. Bobby Jewel is a, the legend who used to run Tampa side. Yes, exactly. What you're picturing. Jewelry, rings, crazy car with a convertible, bad toupee. Charlie Sheen two and a half men shirt. Yes, yes. That weird bowling kind of shirt and some some coups on his arm.

Shithouse wasted. Rolls up drunk in a convertible Mercedes, gets this close to your face, you can smell his whiskey breath, and he'll be like, you fucking pussy. He'll leave pieces of shit like you in the dirt. Yeah, and you just can't help but laugh. Yeah, he's a man. And then he sits down and tells you stories, and you don't really care, but you listen, and it's fun.

Oh, he'll pick you up drunk, blasting Jersey Boys. You're driving the car, swerving all over the road. Big girls don't cry. Oh, yeah. Then he cooks you a steak in his underwear. It's great. He looks like an out-of-work detective in Miami. Oh, dude.

He's classic. I can't wait. I'll be there in June. I can't wait. Yeah, this drink goes down a little too easy. Too easy there. The beer jewel comes through again with the whiskey riff. So good. So, yeah, then I come back to New York. The lady's furious. She's like, you're gone for eight years. a little too easy too easy there the beer jewel comes through again with the whiskey riff so good

so yeah then i come back to new york the lady's furious she's like you're gone for eight years you're skiing you're going to tampa you're going to fucking california but i'm like hey this is the business i've chosen it's not though you went on a mini vacation in between good point with comedians i could write it off vito's got a joke about how we'll hang out all day, so his wife will be pissed. One of the lines is like, we're at a strip club. He's like, honey, I go where the work takes me. It's true, yeah. Well, we got good lives.

You got to be 50 stories there from that house. Oh, it's going to be wild. What was the energy like? Oh, when last time? Yeah. They had a steam room and a hot tub and so we'd all get naked this is so homoerotic we'd get hammered we're all in a blackout it's like midnight we're getting naked hitting each other with towels and then we would do a thing where we'd run this does not sound like a vacation to me oh we'd run we'd ski

all day we'd get drunk you know, and then we would get drunk, get in the hot, no, the sauna, and we're all in there like, god damn, we're so hot, and then we'd run into the snow,

naked, and sit in the snow like, ah, then we'd run to the hot tub, and chug beers, and then make out. It was great. It was fun.

Skiing, by the way, no one tells you, I don't like it. It's insanely strenuous. I would never want to do it. Yeah, you're just like, ah, after every muscle is sore.

I don't want to ride a bike. Yeah. But nothing like that lodge, though. When you're in that lodge with a beer and you take your gear off and, whew, you have a cup of chili. The view. The view. It's pretty nice. Yeah, that's nice.

Good show. Yeah, it'll be fun, man. Yeah. That's cool. Can't wait. Can't wait. Damn. Now, what do you got cooking Yeah. So that, can't wait. Can't wait. Damn. Now, what do you got cooking?

I was just in La Jolla's great. Oh, yeah. I'll give you a good rec, by the way. Please. And this is, my rec is to not be cheap. Because it comes back to get you. I don't love it. Here's what happened to me on my way to La Jolla.

Okay. I'm at JFK. Luckily, I'm there a little, I had like an 8 a.m. flight. Yeah. I know. So I woke up at like an 8 a.m flight yeah i know so i woke up at like 5 55 then my flight gets delayed an hour but i'm like hey man i i took a muscle relaxer the night before i got six hours i'm okay okay i'm gonna i'm i'm up i'm not going back to sleep i try but i'm i can't so i'm you know i'm up i'm there about an hour early and i go through security and my my roller bag just falls apart.

Oh, wow. To the point that I'm on the escalator, and I didn't realize it just whips open. It's like brakes in front of me. My electric toothbrush falls out. The head is on the floor. Oh, this is just my life. We're in shambles here. AKA vibrator.

Let's be honest. Stevenven what happened to steven uh toothbrush have a pube on it i'm like i'm just holding it up no um so yeah i'm furious and i'm just like what do i do so i'm i'm lugging it like you know i'm used to i'm holding it like a baby right you know to a store i'm like come on you guys have a bag like we only have little ones and i'm like oh where's the big ones and she goes uh well that store's closed i'm like closed it's the airport come on what the hell what the hell is this junkyard you're running here so i so i i keep walking around i find a store that sells bags they look nice nice. And I'm like, alright. I need a bag. So what can we do?

And she goes, they start at $400. And I'm like, you motherless piece of dog. I didn't say that. I was just... Is this to me? No, it was Briggs and Riley. They're quality bags. Sure. And I just go, you got me. You got me, all of you. Did you get a $400

bag? It gets worse. Oh, no. It starts at $400. Oh, you're killing me. So you best believe that first, that $400 bag ain't that good. It's not fitting all my stuff. And I'm just like, what do I do? And she goes, this is the one for you. And I'm like, yeah, it's the only one that'll work.

It's the only option at that point. I don't have a bag. Uh-oh. I'm nervous. I get a $500 bag. Okay. I will say this. It's a damn500 bag. Okay. I will say this. It's a damn good bag.

All right. It better be. But I get the bag, and I'm like, you know what? We travel every week. And this is, look, if I bought a $200 bag instead of a $40 roller bag the first time, I wouldn't be in this mess. Good point. That's why I don't be cheap as my rec, because you save money by going middle of the road rather than high end or low end, right? Right.

So I get the bag, and I'm like, it's a little smaller than my other bag. I can't get my jacket in there. So some lady from the store grabs the jacket. She's like pushing it in. She's like punching it in. I'm like, lady, give it. I just bought this bag. Yeah, right?

She's like jerking the fucking thing. I'm like, lady, stop. She's like, I got it. I'm like, stop. And she won't stop. Thank God she's not a gyno. Jesus Christ. Either way way i screamed rape but she was going i was like stop stop and then finally she got it like all right thanks and then we're out of there and i gotta tell you you realize what this money goes to because i'm pulling the bag i'm like this fucking baby glide yes my other

bag i'm like oh this is why I probably have shoulder problems. Yeah. Because I'm just always jerking it around. This baby, I was like, I could fucking jump on this bad boy and just ride the wave. Right. It's incredible. You get what you pay for. You get what you pay for.

Well, good for you. And you'll have that thing for 30 years. I hope. It's a lifetime guarantee. Oh. David, tell him that great. Oh, sorry. He had a great joke about the luggage.

You tell it. Well, the joke, yeah's like who's that who's that store for like how late do you have to be running you're like fuck it just grab some stuff we'll pack when we get there although this is what that store is for yeah there you go they just wait for some guy's bag to break they prey on desperation this happened i bet someone in the fucking airport security line had a little ax and just fucking broke it. So I had a big fucking airport conspiracy right here. Big luggage. Yeah. Yeah, I had the same thing happen to me.

Not at the airport, but I got a Samsonite bag, which that's actually something you've heard of. Exactly. Samsonite. Slippy, slappy, Swanson. But I got it at a thrift store. But either way, it's a Samsonite. Slippy, slappy, Swanson. So, but I got it at a thrift store. But either way, it's a Samsonite. It's a good bag? Great bag.

It glides. You need a bag that glides. Because you realize, you're like, fuck, why am I, you're jerking it on hills and stuff. Exactly. You're going to fuck your body up. I know. And we don't realize those bags get thrown around in baggage claim. We jam them up in those overheads. You know, you throw them in a car.

It's just so much wear and tear. How do professional wrest wrestlers do it they're traveling every week of the year they're doing the wrestling they're flying and that like we we our bodies are fucked up just from traveling i know it's why well they're on a ton of percocet and oxycontin and all that shit well so are we good point good do you have any pills by the way i'll take them really well they help me sleep i can't sleep i'm not trying to do this i got a great idea this is my lesson to mark you know you can get some pills get some fucking health insurance never come on i'm gonna ride this body into the sunset he's gonna be the richest comedian who's gonna need a gofundme when he goes when he goes into the sunset. Mark is going to be the richest comedian who's going to need a GoFundMe when he goes into the hospital. Well, when my bike, my hog

got stolen, the cop was like, alright, I gave him all the information. He's like, you know, you have no insurance on this thing. I was like, well, let's just find it first, you know. Really? Yeah, yeah. Good times. Damn. By the way, somebody said they spot it in Chinatown. I'm going to go steal it back. They spotted

it? Yeah. How do you know it's yours? Well, they took a photo of it, and it has these two slices on it where I fell over once, and I was like, that's mine, so I'm going back. I'm going to steal it. Do you think the key's the same? Can you just put the key in it? I had the key. They grabbed it and put it in the truck, I assume.

So how do you get it? I'm just going to go there with bolt cutters and... But then how do you start it without the key? No, I have the key. Oh, good. I'm saying I took the keys out, and it got then how do you start it without the key? No I have the key Oh good I'm saying I took the keys out And it got stolen They just threw it on a bed of a truck

So I'm gonna try to steal it back How are they riding it? They must have Ah they can hot wire shit They can change it up Yeah Damn Oh there might be the different keys then

You gotta You gotta heist that shit dude I'm gonna heist I might get beat up I heard I heard someone threw dog shit at list yeah the fuck is happening in this city kids you saw the lady get the dog shit in the face yep hold on in the bronx smushed it in her face and her hair crazy the city's back it's like the

80s it's wild out here then you go to la jolla and you're like this is is how people live? And then you come back here and you're like... Even the homeless people look like Hugh Jackman there. I know, exactly. I'm like, you want my money? You look better than I do. What the hell? Totally. It's like, I need a new surfboard, man. Come on, man. Don't be stingy. Yeah. Yeah, the lady

with the poop in there. It's tough to watch. Really? Why are we watching it? You gotta see what we're up against here. Man smears poop with the poop in there. It's tough to watch. Why are we watching it? You've got to see what we're up against here. Man smears poop on woman in NYC subway station. Sickening video.

The New York Post lives for this shit. They have to act like they're outraged, but they're like, a woman got smeared in poop? Let's do it. I know.

They're high-fiving at the office. We cut our front page story. Everyone else is talking about Ukraine. Like, run the poop story. Yeah. Here we go.

Okay. Was it on the two train? Oh, that's good. Oh! Oh! And he comes back for more. Bag of shit. Damn.

Whatever happened to a pie in the face? You know, those were the good old days The most disgusting part is he wiped back to front Yeah he really gave it a wipe down He doesn't look homeless either I know He's got the hat with no brim Brim's posted

Damn they got a good shot of the guy's face Oh they did Oh great I don't know They just let you go It's gotta be assault out of the guy's face. Oh, they did. Oh, great. What's the penalty for that? I don't know. I don't know. They just let you go. It's got to be assault.

I mean, they're letting people go like crazy, like willy-nilly. They just arrest you and then let you go the same day within hours. Yeah. Epidemic here in the city. Yikes. Well, Eric Adams says he's cracking down. We'll see what happens.

Poop on the face. Would you rather get hit with a hammer or poop on the face? Poop on the face. Me too, but not by a ton. Yeah, that's a good question. Poop on the face is rough. Yeah, because you shit every day. You just think about it every day.

Yeah, that smell is going to stay with you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You got to do a sick day. You're going to be on your deathbed. You're going to remember the poop. It's going to be you and your wife, and then it's going to cut to the poop in the face. you oh yeah oh yeah you got to do a sick you're gonna be on your deathbed you're gonna you're gonna remember the poop it's gonna be you and your wife and then it's gonna cut to the poop in the face and be like that even on my deathbed what the deathbed could be that day though so

that's true yeah yeah yeah no i said i prefer the poop yes prefers the wrong word i uh oh man crazy you ever had that, living here? Not that, but, like, anything similar? I was on the train once. This is, I've gotten, I take the train every day. I've never been, like, attacked. But, like, I did have, uh, I remember I was on the train once, coming down from the comic strip many years ago.

I was on with this comedian, Dan Shacky. Oh, I love Shacky. And this guy is on some sort of drugs and he's fucking with me like he just you know you when you're on drugs you just find one person you're gonna fuck with yeah he uh he's like messing with me on the train and he's just like in my face like i'd sit down he'd sit right next to me and like just and shacky and shacky's looking like what do we do kind of and i was kind of like fuck with me and shaggy and shaggy's looking like what do we do kind of and i was kind of like yeah fuck what do we do yeah big guy could you take him i think i could like you don't know

because of the drugs so some people on those drugs they have like hulk strength that's true pcp he and he is tweaking and you're like well can i take him as the wrong question like who has more to lose is the question and it's you know so he sits and i'm like all right like'm like, all right, like, this guy's, like, rubbing up against me, fucking with me. I'm like, all right, let's move. So we move. He does. He moves with me right next to me again. Ah!

And I'm just like, it's like stops go by. And Shaki, you know, is going to a story and I'm going to Brooklyn. So he's, he's like, I got to get off 59th. He kind of gives me a look like, are you going to be okay? And I kind of, I'm to get off at 59th. He kind of gives me a look like, are you going to be okay? And I'm like, no. Yeah. And then he gets off at 59th, and we're going down, and the guy keeps fucking with me. Jesus.

And I keep moving. He keeps moving too. And finally, at my stop, in my head, I'm like, if he gets off at my stop at 14th, I was going to transfer. I was like, if he gets off where I get off, I'm going to say uh i have to follow me home yeah so i'm trying to like play it cool and just kind of act like nothing's wrong because he's clearly tweaked out i i get off he follows me and as he's following me off the door i go i go back the fuck off and he goes ah and he falls back on the train the door shut i was like whoa i was like thank thank God. I was like, thank fucking God. And that's how you met Joe Mack?

Wow. Yeah, I was like, God damn it. Good for you, though. It worked. Because I was like, this dude is tweaked. Yeah, yeah. Wow, I think maybe he just wanted a friend in a weird way. No, he was.

Was he going to be violent, you think? He was fucking with me. Yeah. I mean, I don't think Shaggy would have been like, what the hell, either. Right. This is unbelievable. You see this shit on the train all the time. I mean, usually you just avoid it, but you just know when there's a crazy person.

Whereas in New York, you just know to just avoid, avoid, avoid. I remember I was on the train with Steve Fabricant from the cellar, one of the door guys there, late night. And there was a crazy guy fucking with everyone. Steve was just like zinging him and i'm like wow what you want to have a you want to like have a good burn on the crazy guy right i was like this is not what new yorkers do we avoid yes you don't you don't poke the bear dude no no eye contact yeah one time i had a zing in in my old neighborhood new orleans and it was like a bunch of black guys hanging out and they were all in like school uniforms and I was, I don't know,

11, 12. So they were all whatever and then I had a zing and we're all on the sidewalk and the school just got out and it was like pretty much an all black school and they got me in this circle and they're pushing me and I'm bouncing around the circle like a pinball and they're all laughing and pushing me and they're like, what a pussy, what a bitch,

yeah, you white bitch. And I was like was like god i was so embarrassed and i took a swing and i missed i just got like an air ball and they were like and i was such a bitch that might have saved you it saved me they were like get out of here you fucking idiot and they kicked me in the ass on the way out but you had heart it was pretty traumatizing though oh you know you walk home you're like i should have done this i should have jump kicked the guy and headlocked him and kung fu'd him. Then they grabbed another white guy. They're like, let's go for the high score. Bounce him around.

Yeah, it was like pong. I couldn't get away. But yeah, pretty embarrassing. So it's good you didn't do anything. You know not to poke the crazy person ever. Yeah. This is unreal. This guy has balls of steel. You want to smack me in the face. I didn't question unreal. This guy has balls of steel. Look at this guy.

Planted feet, not going anywhere. Eye contact. And he's handling it like he should handle it. You proud of that? I would have said to him, you should not have done that. That's not nice. Right.

There is a bit of a payoff here it's kind of funny let me fast forward yeah it's funny this is two and a half minutes this guy probably thought this was three hours okay here it is so he says i'm gonna fuck you right here as the guy said i'm gonna fuck you yeah yeah so the guy says you're not fucking me and then this is where it gets good So the guy says, you're not fucking me. And then this is where it gets good. Are you trying to threaten him? Thanks, lady. Yes, he is.

Thank you. Thank you, lady. Way to chime in. I'm telling you, you ain't fucking nobody with me standing right here. That's what's happening. This guy is secretly ripped. You can see he's ripped under the button down. Yeah.

He's huge. He also has, like, heavy corrections officer energy. Yes. Yes. This guy probably grew up in Bensonhurst or some shit. You know, he's seen it all. Yeah. He's huge. He also has, like, heavy corrections officer energy. Yes, yes. This guy probably grew up in Bensonhurst or some shit. You know, he's seen it all. He's not scared of this guy. You might masturbate the fuck off.

Yeah. Oh, there it was. Oh, I missed it. Sorry. He goes. I stepped on it. You might masturbate. That's what's happening.

You ain't fucking nobody. You might masturbate the fuck off, but you ain't fucking nobody. I love how he's compromising. Go jerk off on the train. That's checkmate. Checkmate. You can be gay. Hey, look at this guy.

Open-minded, inclusive. Now, gangster. Good! He said I'm gay then. He said I'm a gangster? Yeah, he's a gay gangster. But what else? That's it?

That's pretty much it, yeah. He just walks away eventually. Damn. Pretty awesome. Yeah, you can't show weakness in that situation. Yeah. No. That's the only thing I say to that dude.

You have to fake it. Even if you're scared, you have to fake it. But that dude did look big. Bigger than us. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He was big. Good for him.

That guy. I hope he gets laid off that. You're the tell off the crazy homeless guy guy like yes yes i am yeah but he wasn't violent i mean obviously he was he was down to throw but he wasn't violent he liked the gays he wasn't like i'm gonna kill you just like hey hey you're not fucking anybody i lost my hair at 25 you don't think i'll lose my temper we should have that guy on. I want him on.

That guy's awesome. Should we try one of these donuts? Oh, baby. Where are they from? Donut Project. Right on McDougal Street. It's an everything donut. Buckle up.

Uh-oh. It's like the Pulp Fiction briefcase. Whoa. Is that cream cheese? It's everything. Damn. Is that cream cheese? It's everything. Damn. Take one. I want some candy smoked salmon.

Oh, God. Holy cow. You can hear that thing breaking apart. Oh, you want a piece? Come on. You're looking thin. It's like my family. Beer Jew? Alright, get your fat ass over here. Yeah, that's insane.

That's amazing. Take that piece. Thank you. You throw everything, seasoning on anything. You're not going to do it? Why not? Fish, it's great. I'm a little nervous.

Live a little. All right. Take a fucking chance. All right. I got a cocktail in front of you. Oh, here, you want a whole one? Just throw me a small piece. All right. It's funny that it's like a donut in front of you. Oh, here, you want a whole one? Just throw me a small piece.

It's funny that it's like a donut. I love it. The problem with everything is it's like confetti. It goes everywhere. Like Rip Taylor over here. This is good. Very good. Cream cheese frosting, incredibly underrated too.

Good call. Oh, that's a smear. Smear? Smear. Yeah. Mm. Got nuts in it. Love it. Oh, yeah.

That's what the viewers want, for us to be sucking our fingers mid-podcast. We just lost everybody. You want me to roll a peachy? Mm. Mm. Me too. There you go. Take a Mmm. There you go. Take a pull.

Pass it around. Oh, that's living, huh? Good teacher really seems to care. Alright. That's a great donut. Alright. Did you do a wreck? Yeah, I did.

The, uh, I got a couple, but that's a good one. No, that's, that's really my main wreck. What do you got? That's a good one. Um, going out back to our roots. We've been wrecking some weird shit all over the road. Mulaney. Monologue on SNL.

I gotta watch it. Masterful. Incredible. One of the best. One of the best. Sadly, he's like my age. He might be younger than me. It's a bummer.

But what are you gonna do? He's a great comic. I'm sure he hates me. I have no idea. But I assume everybody hates me. But we're not going to watch it now. We can listen to it in a minute. No. SNL will kick our ass.

No, they'll kill us. Is this audio? No, no, no. No, no, no. We'll do it on Patreon. Yeah, but it's like personal. It ties up at the end. He talks about his drug overdose. He talks about his drug abuse. He talks about his new kid. He's like personal. It ties up at the end. He talks about his drug overdose.

He talks about, or his drug abuse. He talks about his new kid. He's a pro. Comes to rack around. It's all clean. It's all great. Not a lot of young guys are as smooth as Mulaney. A lot of them, it's like, you know, it's a mess.

Yes. And he really takes pride in, you know, almost like a Carlin-esque, you know, type of writing. Definitely. You know, there's so much thought into the writing. So much thought. It's packaged perfectly. It's all much thought into the writing. So much thought. It's packaged perfectly. It's all tight and ties up perfectly. Good ending.

Really, really incredible. And then Earthquake has a new Netflix. It's great, I hear. It's great. It's just classic old school comedy. The guy's a fucking vet. He's been doing the circuit forever. He had his own club in Atlanta, apparently.

And I messaged him, and he wrote back. What'd he say? I just said, dude, this special's incredible. I'm a fan. And he wrote back, that means the world to me. Thank you. And I shared it. Wow.

Did you catch him on Rogan? I did. What'd you think? Great. Good, good. It's a little long. It's three hours. But Peter said.

Isn't that all of Rogan's episodes? But I feel like I got it in two hours. But yeah. Great, great guys just he's like he's like us he's like fuck the industry i hate the industry they wouldn't give me a special till chapelle produced it you know that's what it takes blah blah blah i mean the guy's a fucking murder he would kill for for everybody like just all over the place and uh good for beast yeah i've heard nothing but good thing it's hard for me to watch stand

up these days i i feel like you know i don't want to hear a bit that i maybe was working on a bit on and you know it's now i can't touch a whole topic i feel you know i watch it but uh i should watch it it's fun it's good to watch stand up and it's so different than than you or me sure and you're right those are the people you want to watch the ones you're like i'm nothing like exactly like a family comic talking about his kids i'm like that's what i should i'll watch like tom papa seriously because we're so different you know he has a special can you google this it's called like i i'm telling you again i'm telling you for the last time or you don't know shit something like seinfeld that's yeah you're right you're right but it's something it's one of his older comics it's older yeah but it's incredibly, it's one of his old comics. It's older, yeah. But it's incredibly good.

It's like the premises, he has this one premise about like, Martin Luther King died and his wife had to remarry. He's like, how the fuck do you fill those shoes? Also, every street you go down is called Martin Luther King. Your kids are in school named Martin Luther King. It's just everywhere. Like, you'll never live up to it. And he's like, who's the guy fucking Jordan's ex-wife?

You're wearing his shoes, you're wearing his jersey, you're going to the game. Oh, it's amazing. He's got great premises. He has good takes that he doesn't get his due for. Well, good for him, man. Oh, yeah. It's a tough biz.

Yes, yes, he's a pro. Give me the name of that. About Goddamn Time? That's it, About Goddamn Time. It's funny you could tell how angry comics are with a special. That's so true. Where the fuck you been my whole life? What the fuck you waiting for?

You motherfuckers better watch this. I remember Robert Schimmel had an album title called If You Buy This CD, I Can Get This Car. Marin had a couple of those too, like Tickets Still Available, The Front Row's Empty, or whatever the fuck. I can't remember, but yeah, Marin had a few can the bitterness is oozing out of us of all of us yeah amazing hey folks we might be drunk is proud to announce our new sponsor indochino whether it's for a pandemic delayed wedding or shooting a netflix special now is the time to

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You can go to one of these Armani's or Banana Republic's. It ain't cheap, especially if you get it fitted. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, the tailoring is where they get you. That's where they get you. What? They can just send us suits. It'd be nice

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Speaking of front row empty, I just read a about billy joel he leaves the first three rows empty every night why because he's sick of industry people paying all the money and like just sitting there with their hands folded so he goes to the back row and invites them up to the first row i love the happiest people in the room i love it what a great a great guy. What a pro. I mean, that comes from having 8 million garden shows and just learning the lay of the land. This is like 30 straight nights at the garden or something and you're like, oh my god. I know.

It's cool these old, like, Elton, I was in Brooklyn today. Elton John, I looked up at the big Barclays thing. He's there tonight, sold out. Wow. It's nice to see these guys just still banging it out and people still coming. Because I think a lot of people go, when am I going to see Elton John again? Who knows?

The Elton John movie's pretty cool. I loved it. Yeah. I mean, how hard is it to make a movie about a guy where you're like, well, I mean, every song's going to be a banger. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

What was the other one? The Queen movie. Oh, yeah. Bohemian Rhapsody. Bohemian Rhapsody. Yeah. The guy. He was at the cellar one night really yeah he was cool what's his name

rami malik that's it he went to college with dan saint germain what yeah so he was there just like hanging and he he came up to me after my set because he's just there and he's he's this is what really famous talented people do they're just like congrats on all your success and i'm just like you just won the oscar dude i'm dude come on like he's really fishing for a compliment there wasn't it congrats on your success i'm just like if i'm successful what are you fucking god what the hell just happened he played a movie where he got age you're like i got that from a towel all right no he's uh he's like a real nice guy do you ever see any other celebs at the Cellar? Oh, they're there.

We just got a text from List the other day. Joe List was like, I'm at the Cellar. It's Mulaney, Olivia Munn, Conan O'Brien, Chris Rock, and Nick Cannon. We're like, ah, that's fun. Nick Cannon's a real drop-off. We're really peed it out. That's true. It's a big cannonball.

Well, Conan was on SNLl so it's probably supporting he was on the show on saturday exactly yeah yeah that's cool yeah melanie you see he posted a photo i'm obsessed with melanie but he posted a photo about it was him uh tom hanks conan tina fey uh i can't remember else, but it was like these legends. And I'm like, man, look at who. That's fun. I'm hanging out with you, schlubs. You know, these big, they were all wearing robes and the lighting. And yeah, it must be nice.

I was bored on a flight. It was like the day of the Russian invasion. Oh, yeah. And I was bored on a flight. And I just,oline's tweeted nick cannon dropped in and i wrote something like how much bad news can we get in one day and uh that's great and and nick cannon follows me an hour later i'm like oh oh shit oh my crap that's all he can do because he's on the mass singer so he can't just dm me you you piece of shit he has to just be like

i saw it that's great that's when you're that when you have that much yeah you know he wants to just dm me jew boy that's true what he wants to write anti-semite yeah by the way not to get nutty here but i heard a lot of stuff like oh if rogan said uh jew slurs he wouldn't be working. I'm like, I don't know. I think the N word is worse. I think, I think there's a definitely a bigger price to pay. He can't have his own show. He's doing fine. Yeah.

He got, he did get fired. I heard he tried to sue Viacom for the rights to Wild and Out for like $1.5 billion, which I'm like, you think that show is worth more than Seinfeld? And also if you're going to get litigious, who are you going to want on your side? Let's be honest. Can we do one more of these? I know. I'm dying.

I was too scared to ask. No, I got you. I'm eating nuggets. I'm eating donuts. I'm drinking. I mean, this is not a healthy afternoon. No, no. Although, is it ever?

We're on the road. We're not healthy. Then we come back, and this is our fucking life. You got that right. You guys, I hope the listeners appreciate that ever? We're on the road. We're not healthy. Then we come back, and this is our fucking life. You got that right. You guys, I hope the listeners appreciate that we're going to die at 60. For you guys. We got to get Burt Kreischer on here just so we have his last record. No, I'm kidding.

What? Wait, what? We got to do news, too. Oh, let's do some news stories. Sure. Hell yeah. Pull them up. Let's see. Pull them news, too. Oh, let's do some news stories. Sure. Hell yeah. Pull them up. Let's see.

Pull them up, baby. It's going to be hard to beat last week's Victoria's Secret model and whatnot. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Who's reading? First condoms approved for anal sex come in 54 different sizes. Yikes, that's a lot of sizes. One for each gender.

Different sizes. Yikes. That's a lot of sizes. One for each gender. Did you know there were more than two sizes black and everybody else? Anal sex condoms? Measuring kit printed if you would like to know. Does that mean you're at the store and you're like, can I get some condoms? And they're like, no, no, no, butt condoms. Is that what you're doing? I guess, yeah.

At CVS they're selling these? They probably have to be stronger because the anal is a different thing. Now how does this work? Do I put this up my ass or what is this? What's going on here? Peter's actually printed out this shit. That's why he's the king. Who's making it to G?

I think Beer Jew might hit G. You've got to be doing all right downtown, huh? I'm proportional. Oh, that's pretty good. That's a fucking brag. What are you, 6'11"? Man, that's got to be nice. That's a butt condom.

I've never had anal sex, honestly. What? I don't like it. I've tried. I'm like, I'm not into it. They don't seem like they're going to like it. They seem like it's going to hurt. You know what it is?

It's like I know the vagina is going to be good. It's kind of like, am I going to just watch The Sopranos again, or do I need to watch a new show that I know is going to be a mess? That's a good point. Wow. Right? Yeah, some shitty show. That she's not going to like.

That's a good point. Look, anal's not that bad. It hurts for an hour. Oh, Mark. Wait a minute. Matt, you've got your clip. Find your width. Wrap the measuring tool gently around the middle of your erection.

By the way, Mark saw this before, and he goes, I'm like, we're not whipping it out. Oh, okay. That's just for the Patreon, right? That's for the Patreon. You've got to pay. If I get hard, though, I'm fucking that donut. You're going to give it everything but semen.

Not until I'm done with it. This is hilarious. Okay, so you put this at the base. I'd say I'm probably at maybe the D or Z, but you're all girth.

I'm girthy. And no length. I'm all length and no girth. I've got some length, but I'm girthier. I was hoping you had no length.

No, no, I got length, but I'm girthy. I'm a girthy had no length. No, no, I got length, but I'm girthy. I'm a girthy man. Ron White has a hilarious joke about him, his stick being girthy and not long, and he goes, it's more like a cheese wheel. Oh, my God. That's amazing.

I may not hit the bottom, but I will stretch the sides. Oh, wow, with a cigar. That's a great bit. It's so funny how just official this is. Yeah. Women are so nice because I heard a guy be like, I was like, are you packing? He's like, I've never gotten any complaints.

I'm like, well, what woman is going to be like, hold on, I got a few complaints here. I've never gotten complaints. Let me fill out the comment card. Like you're going to whip it out and a woman's like, oh. I know, I know. know they're nice one star yeah yeah exactly all right i don't know this is a lot of a lot of work here without whipping it out i can't tell what's what my uh my my lady was like uh we were got drunk one night when we first

started dating she was like i love. I feel like our parts match. She was like, my last boyfriend, his dick was too wide. And I was like, all right, I got to get out of here. It's kind of nice to hear because you're like, okay, you don't like a wide dick. I don't have a wide dick. But also like, ah. I prefer to watch movies at home. Yeah, exactly.

I have a deeper vagina. What's that? I have a deeper vagina. That's what she's telling you. That's what she's telling me. That's what she's telling me. And women, vagina sizes vary. We talk about dick size all day, size queen, this and that, but the vagina is a different thing on every lady.

It is. Have you ever had, because I'm not big. I wouldn't say I'm small, but I'm not big, but I've had girls like, whoa, whoa, easy, slow down, hold on. It feels good to hear that. It feels great to hear that, but I'm like, what do you do with a guy packing heat? I think they avoid them.

Aha. But how do you avoid? I don't know, because you see girls on dating apps, and you're like, if you're under eight inches, don't even apply. But you never see women like small dicks only. That's true, exactly. You never see that shit.

I don't know if I'm supposed to say this, but Schumer would always be like, I hate a big dick. They hurt. They're not fun. It's for men, exactly. You never see that shit. Like, I don't know if I'm supposed to say this, but Schumer would always be like, oh, I hate a big dick. They hurt. They're not fun. It's for men, mostly. Is it? I mean, I feel like it's mostly to be like,

hey, guys, you tell your guy friends. Women, I feel like, care a lot. I mean, some women, I think, want it. Some women care. But I think, for the most part, it's like dudes. Okay. Because you hear these eight-inch girls on the internet, and you're like, oh, shit, that's how all women are.

Yeah. You know? I don't think so. All right, all right all right i mean i could be wrong we might be getting torn apart in the comments right now like an eight inch dick would tear you apart ladies what uh wait what's another news story michelangelo that's a tiny dick but he had a good body they made up for it. It's like he knew. Yeah. I better hit the gym. It does suck. Women have to see it.

They don't only see it until it comes out. They have no real idea. I mean, I remember the old Attell joke. He's like, the first time

you wanted to be magical, you know, when you press it up against the bus window. Fucking Attell, the greatest. Bus window is so much better

than, you know, department store window. Sean Patton has a funny joke where he's like, you can kind of tell a guy's dick by how the guy is shaped. If a guy's short and fat, he's probably got a short, wide dick. If he's tall and thin, he's got a long, skinny dick. But every now and then you meet a guy who walks like this. That's the curvy dick.

That's great. That's a funny Patton bit. All right, what do you got on the next one? Sal, you want to read that? Yeah, Sal, you read it. French modeling agent accused of recruiting young girls for Jeffrey Epstein's sex trafficking ring was found dead by hanging in a cell. Interesting. We got a pattern here.

His name is Jean-Luc Brunel, 75. He had been under investigation for the rape and sex trafficking of minors. He's being held at some so-and-so prison following his arrest in 2020. So he suicided himself. Or he was suicided. Yeah. Right. Jean-Luc.

It makes you think of Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek. Although this guy was also in The Next Generation. The younger generation. Deep Space Nine-Year-Olds. Everybody drink. There it is. That's a keeper. You're all right.

You're all right. Put that online. Yeah, this guy. Deep Space Nine-Year-Olds. To boldly go where no one has gone before. Because of the hymen he definitely i mean do you think i mean that people are always like into the conspiracy we're like of course he he was murdered but also it's like this is probably when you want to punch

your ticket right you're 75 right this is a probably a low point yes it's believable that this is suicide is all I'm saying. Right, right, right. Definitely, yeah. You're in prison at 75. But why can't we just go the guy killed himself? Oh, because of Epstein. Because of Epstein ties, right?

Isn't that the skepticism? So wouldn't Ghislaine have killed herself too or had been murdered too? Well, maybe they're spacing it out if they're really doing it. Not to get too conspiracy theory. Well she would have sung i mean if she wanted to sing she would have sung by now i think she's safe it's funny that we use the word to sing to like it's like singing is nice but it's also i guess to describe people who are on epstein's island yeah yeah the mafia always said he sang like a canary. Yeah. Do you want to sing? Yeah.

That'd be funny if American Idol was just people confessing. Simon's like, you're terrible. I was never on that island. Right, right. By the way, when I went to St. Thomas, we took a boat, like a catamaran around, and we saw Epstein's Island. No way. Pretty cool. Yeah. Had the helipad.

Pretty cool. It was beautiful. I'll tell you this, though. The lady was doing the tour, and she's like, this is whatever. That was taken over by Columbus in 1401, whatever. This is Epstein Island. Everybody went to the edge of the boat like, whoa, picture, picture. It was the highlight of the trip.

Damn. Yeah. But you just picture everybody getting off. Well, they got off. Yeah. They had a little dock. It was beautiful. Like big homes and it was pretty, like boats everywhere.

And he bought the island next door so he didn't have neighbors. I mean, the guy was all in his privacy. Yeah. You know that guy's packing money where it's like buying the apartment next door. Right. He's like, I'll get the whole island. Fuck it, I don't want to. So I said, hey, how much does an island go for?

And she went, when he bought it, it was 8 mil. I was like, 8 mil? That's nothing. That's like Steinbrenner buying the Yankees for when he bought them. Exactly. 8 mil? New York apartments are 14 mil in the village. But it's just a piece of dirt.

Wow. It doesn't have plumbing. It doesn't have electricity. You have to do all that shit. Oh, he had plumbing. He had all that. Yeah. No, I'm talking about the one he bought. When you buy it it's just a piece of dirt right right right but i think it

was habitated many mil yeah that's nothing to him yeah pocket change crazy but yeah look at that okay 94th academy awards the oscars are on right now. The episode airs. Oh, whoops. The ballots are printed out. Make your selections and discuss the nominees. Oh, we have it. Okay. By the way, I see.

God, Peters, you're a fucking. You're a mensch. You're incredible. All right. So we start with actor in the leading role. By the way, can I say this real quick? It really bugs me. I think they cut,

I don't know if it's editing, but it's definitely- Hair and makeup, editing, sound engineer. Sound, not sound engineer. Score. Sound score, yeah.

What? I love score. Score is like, okay, I know a lot of you listening know who like Hans Zimmer, Danny Elfman, all these amazing-

John Williams. John Williams. Music is such an important part of movies. Totally. How about editing? It is movie making. Editing is such an important part of movies. Totally. How about editing? It is movie making. Editing is huge. Editing is huge.

It's just complete disrespect. I think they just want to see celebrity faces and that's it. They're like, cut out the bullshit. Are we done with celebrities? No, I think what they think is all, that's who we're tuning in for. I mean, complete disrespect. Completely. It's about the art of the movie making, about filmmaking.

And then we're just, oh, oh, Jennifer Lawrence is there. Who gives a fuck? All right, what do we got? All right, I haven't seen all these, but actor in a leading role is Javier Bardem for Being the Ricardos, Benedict Cumberbatch, The Power of the Dog. That was great. Yeah, he's amazing. Although, did you hear Sam Elliott talking some shit? No.

He said it's, he called it a piece of shit on Marin's podcast and was like, who is she to make this movie in New Zealand? What does she know about ranches? And you're like, maybe he watches that shit the way doctors watch ER. He really is. I don't know what the problem is. But also, yeah, you're allowed to make shit that you haven't experienced. Of course. That's what movies are like.

Yeah. Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, it's all made up. What do you know about space? You weren't an astronaut. I know I'm a fucking director. I know. That's crazy. It's crazy.

Get out of here, Sam Elliott. But I bet he sounds cool when he shits on you. Oh, yeah, he's got that great voice. What do you know about movie making? He's so chill in Lebowski. Why couldn't he be more like that? I know, right? Andrew Garfield, Tick, Tick, Boom, Will Smith, King Richard, Denzel, Macbeth.

All right, so I've seen them all except for King Richard. I turned off being the regardos because it was a fucking turd. Really? Yeah. I heard it wasn't funny at all. It's like, I love Nicole Kidman. She's gorgeous, but she's had a lot of work done. And you're playing the most expressive comic actress of all time.

Good point. On top of that, I mean, she's had a lot of work done, and you're playing the most expressive comic actress of all time. That's a good point. On top of that, I mean, she's an amazing actress. But then you got fucking this woke nonsense that Aaron Sorkin has to push in. There's a scene where one of the writers for the show, like, tells the showrunner basically to shut up. And I'm like, yeah, I bet a woman writer in the 50s did that to a male showrunner. I know. Keep it realistic. That's all I'm saying. That's great. If you want to make a show like that yeah, I bet a woman writer in the 50s did that to a male showrunner. I know. Keep it realistic. That's all I'm saying.

That's great. If you want to make a show like that now, sure. But if you're trying to make this believable. And I know Marvelous Mrs. Maisels is a great show. I've watched a couple episodes. It's very good. But I watched a trailer, and she does a fucking mic drop. I was like, this isn't something people in the 50s did.

No, I hate that. Mic drop? Yeah, stop adding modern shit in. Yeah. So who do you go with, guys, for actor? Are we doing all these? We don't have to do all of them. Let's just do the top three.

Let's just leave out the ones we just made fun of. All right, who do you got for actor? Shit, this is tough. Hard not to go Denzel, man. Well, yeah, yeah. Also- I like- Andrew Garfield's amazing tick tick boom he's he is incredible in that uh was he yeah it's hard he's kind of like one of those chosen hollywood guys where he's he just gets those meaty parts and he's so good uh yeah does denzel have a he has one for training day. Yeah, but he's Denzel.

I know, but I feel like if you have one already, you have a less likely chance of getting another. That's true. Yeah, I mean, it could be Cumberbatch. I mean, did Will Smith ever win one? I don't think so. I think he went for Ali. What?

Or one for Best Picture, one of the two. I think he won like a Golden Globe. Ali fucking sucked. Yeah, it wasn't great. He was good, but the movie sucked. So I'm going to break this down. So I think there is a black vote. This is a constituency of black people in the academy. And their vote will be split between Will Smith and Denzel Washington.

They'll be hard to choose. So I'm going to go with Andrew Garfield for the gay vote, even though he's not gay. It's sort of a gayish. And he's a cute boy. He's amazing. He's amazing. Yeah, I watched a little bit of it. It's very good.

It's good dude so i'm gonna pick andrew garfield all right actor i like that it's possible yeah i mean i don't know the only issue now that i say denzel the only issue is that like who the fuck did they even i wonder how many of them even watch macbeth exactly but you get some some cool guy points for watching macbeth you You do. Yeah. I felt pretty good about myself after I walked out of there. Exactly. I was like, yeah, I saw a Shakespearean movie in 2022. I was bored out of my mind, but I watched it.

It was very dense, but there was some violence. I only TikTok for an hour through it. So who are you going? I've only seen about half of these, but I'm going to go with, I'm going Cumber. He's good. Yeah. All right, supporting, we got Claren Hines from Belfast, which I'm dying to see. I hear he's great.

Trey Katzer, Coda. Troy. Oh, Troy, sorry. Troy, I forgot. Jesse Plemons, Power of the Dog, J.K. Simmons being the Ricardos. Cody Smith-McPhee, Power of the Dog. J.K. Simmons being the Ricardos. Cody Smith-McPhee, Power of the Dog. He's great. Who's that?

He's the young, skinny guy. Oh, the kid. The son. Okay, yeah, he was good. He is great in that. He's got a shot. Okay, I want to tell you why I'm an idiot. In 2002, Will Smith went up against Denzel Washington.

Will Smith for Ali and Denzel Washington for Training Day. And Denzel won. So the black Ali and Denzel Washington for Training Day, and Denzel won. Yeah. So the Blackfoot thing is probably not smart. Okay. But that's a different time. That's true. That's 20 years ago.

Well, also, I mean, Training Day is a way better movie than Ali. I agree. It's just way better. And also Denzel was one of those we owe you one type things. Yes, exactly. Because he should have won for the hurricane, but he lost. Yeah, I think he won for glory as best supporting. Supporting's different, though.

Different, yeah. So he has two. He has two. But it's like, you know, Pacino, they gave him that scent of a woman Oscar, where it's like, all right. It's like the departed. This is fucking, exactly, Scorsese. It's like, you know.

Not his best, but we owe you one which i hate how they do that because you're like it should be the movie yeah not this like revenant's not leo's best exactly exactly wolf of wall street is awesome in them amazing but there are makeup calls in basketball like i always should have called that and like now we're gonna give it to you on the back end in the last two minutes interesting he's right interesting it's part of the game be nice if girlfriends did that. You know, like I steamrolled you on all those arguments, but I owe you one. Here's a blowy.

Yeah, you're like, all right. You fucked that girl in Palm Springs. I owe you one. I say it the other way. Hey, honey, you fucked up the other day. How about a blowy? There you go. All right.

Blowy sounds nicer. Actress in the leading role, Jessica Chastain. I bet everyone heard of this movie. The eyes of Tammy Faye. She is hot. Dude, that movie, that Sorkin movie, she's hot as hell. Olivia Colman, The Last Daughter. I love her.

I never saw that. Penelope Cruz, Parallel Mothers. It's amazing. Parallel Mothers, Penelope Cruz is supposed to be great. I think that's Elmo DeVar. Nicole Kidman being the Ricardo'sos, Kristen Stewart, Spencer. I got no idea for this one. They're all great.

Yeah, they're all great actors, right? Who knows about the movie? Yeah. You only saw Nicole, right? You saw Daughter. I don't know about this one. I'm going to go Chastain because she's playing Tammy Faye, and they always love when they do a biopic and they get real crazy.

So I'm going Jessica. You just want to bang Chastain. Sure, sure. But, I mean, I wouldn't mind banging Cruise and Stewart either. But I'm just saying, I'm going Tammy Faye. Actress in a supporting role. Sorry, Salke, what do you got? That's a toss up

I don't know Yeah I don't even know Supporting role Yeah I haven't seen it I mean And now I'm feeling At the point where I haven't seen these

I mean Are we giving up? Yeah Did we just do the two male categories? Probably Kirsten Dunst I haven't seen the others Dunst She's great in Power of the Dog

Oh Is she on there? Yeah. Oh, you're talking about supporting, sorry. I don't know about any of these. Yeah, I heard King Richard's amazing. I haven't seen it.

I want to see it. It was fun. Judi Dench, though, is a dame. Yeah. Yeah. Out of respect. You know what's a good flick with her?

Have you ever seen Notes on a Scandal? No. Cate Blanchett. Super hot in that movie. Notes on a Scandal, No. Cate Blanchett, super hot in that movie. Notes on a Scandal, though. About a teacher who fucks her student. It's pretty good. You know what's hot is...

Oh, is it Till the... Are we going to call this episode Mark would bang Judy Den? Is that the name of this? I would knight her with my dick. Shoulder to shoulder. Sure, why not? I could hear some stories about summer stock and Shakespeare in the park.

Let's move up to best picture. Alright. Should we do... We don't have time to do all this shit. No, this is 18 categories here. This is longer than the fucking actual Oscars. Alright, best picture. Belfast, Coda, Don't Look Up, Drive My Car, which I hear is great. Haven't seen that. the fucking actual oscars all right best picture belfast coda don't look up drive my car which i

hear is great haven't seen that dune hated that hated dune but that's not my cup turd there's someone said you're not in a sci-fi no i'm not in a boring ass fucking movies right uh king richard licorice pizza nightmare alley power theey, Power of the Dog, West Side Story, which I also heard was good. I haven't seen it. So many. It used to be five. Well, there's too many movies now.

They do 10. Ah, okay. I'm going to go Best Picture, Belfast. It's artsy-fartsy. Have you seen it? No. I'm just going off of that. All right.

Power of the Dog is a female director and it was good too so that's got a shot that might win director that's true West Side Story has been done already they should make Sam Elliott have to present it West Side Story won best picture when it came out originally everyone says it's incredible

I want to see it actually it bombed at the box office there was a two minute frame they played of it, and I was like, this is insanely well done. Spielberg is a genius. He's great. But I didn't see Licorice Pizza. I didn't see...

PTA. Yeah, do you like it? I didn't see it, but... Loved it. You loved it. I heard Mixed. Mixed, too. That's what I heard, too.

I would like to see Drive My Car yeah there's a short story it's based on by Murakami it's incredible oh yeah it's very very good

and I heard I heard Nightmare Alley's cool it's cool you saw it yeah it's cool see it in the theater it's dark and gloomy

and and the cast is good and Cate Blanchett is fucking hot. She is hot. Okay. It's good. I'm going Belfast.

Yeah, I could see that or Power of the Dog. They always go something RC Fartsy. Yeah. It's going to be one of those. You don't think it's Don't Look Up? Because people like Don't Look Up. Too divisive. Ah.

I didn't love it. Yeah, you lose the Republican vote, basically. Is that a big vote at the Oscars? Those two guys? Is anyone winning the awards and going,

hey, I think January 6th was cool? What, uh... What, uh... Is anyone going, I think women should not be allowed to get an abortion. This is my acceptance speech.

That's where you get an abortion in Texas, Nightmare Alley. What else we got? But wait a minute. Okay, okay. Yeah. Yeah, all right. I'm saying Belfast. You're saying Power of the Dog or Belfast.

I'll say Power of the Dog just to mix it up. Just to mix it up. I like Power of the Dog. I thought it was good. I loved it. Cues? I'll say King Richard. Not a good movie year, though, still.

Not really. Nothing exciting. Nothing blew my kids off. A lot of people were mad that Spider-Man wasn't nominated. People loved that movie, the new one. Oh, with Tom Holland? It's all three of them. Oh, I didn't see it.

People fucking loved that movie, dude. People love it. You know what's going to be crazy in like two years? I bet these Marvel movies will be in the Oscars just to get views up. Ooh, yeah. That's a theory. It's a theory. Call it right now.

You get Tom Holland to post an Instagram story, the viewers shoot right the fuck up. Exactly. We have the control now. Not us, but them. What is CODA? C-O-D-A? Isn't it musical?

Uh-oh. Peter's posted a story here I'm kind of interested in. Who did? Your producer, Matt Peters? Uh-oh. Peters posted a story here I'm kind of interested in. Who did? Your producer, Matt Peters. Uh-oh. Smallest apartment in New York City. He says it's 60 square feet. Oh, I love this guy.

This guy's 6'4". Go ahead. Shoot ahead. Because I watched the beginning of this and it takes forever. Because he's looking at other apartments. Yeah, it's 60 feet. I don't know the neighborhood, but it's 60 feet. Wow.

You know what though? If you're there with a girlfriend, it's negative 30 feet. It just kills you. Right. What do you think this would cost you? How much do you think this would cost? It depends on the neighborhood. If you're asking for $1,000 for this, I'll shit myself.

Well, yeah, what's the neighborhood? They're going $1,000 easy. You think so? Oh, yeah. 60 feet? If it's Manhattan, $1,000 for sure. Yep. It is.

Yeah, that's a good point. You know, $1,100? Shit, man. Oh, it's a loft. It goes up. Yeah, but you can barely fit, dude. There's no ladder. Right. You, it's a loft. It goes up. Yeah, but you can barely fit, dude. There's no ladder. Right.

You got to install a ladder. It can only hold like 235, so don't think about bringing a lady up there. Yeah. All right, this looks like Lower East Side. It does. 1,200. Good point. He's got a fire escape, garden.

Come on. Yeah. West Village. J.G. Mellons. That's right by the cellar, dude. That's McDougal and Bleeker. I know that corner. A lot of showers. You know what, though?

If you're young, this is not bad. Not bad. I would do it. Oh, 14 St. Mark's. I would do it for the location if I was young. Why not? Hell yeah. This is it?

This is it, man. What? Well, same layout, basically. New Yorkers are mentally ill. Imagine watching this being from Indianapolis. I mean, are you out of your fucking mind? I know. That's how bad.

I know. Dude, it's crazy. And it it's also but you know what the only like real deal breakers for me in new york are the ones where it's like the shared bathroom i did that you did a shared bathroom i did it for a year i went nuts i almost did it but then i was like give me a fucking other roommate i couldn't do it were you living alone or no i was but it kills your soul it's just a room like that and then a shared bathroom and it's you and a bunch of weirdos and old people and you see everybody naked it's horrifying yeah the shared bathroom for me would have that's you just you don't want to knock on the door for your bathroom at home and hear an unfamiliar voice

that's tough and bringing your shit every time to the bathroom. You got the bag of soap, shampoo, sponge. A forever road gig. Yes, exactly. You feel like an idiot. $1,100. There you go. You called it. It makes sense, right?

West Village, you said Lower East Side. I would have gotten higher, I think, in the West Village. West Village is dicey now. I live in the village and it's not what it used to be. A lot of homeless guys will just walk up to you and just stop and stare you down. You're like, what is this, Grand Theft Auto? I know, right? What's about to happen to me?

It's bad. There's that guy on the wheelchair. He torments you. I was doing pull-ups the other day like a psycho, and this homeless guy's just waiting. He's trying to work in a rep? Work in a set? He was waiting for mark to get tired so we can mug him exactly he's like i'm gonna get him when he when he's done

and then i got all you know you're out of breath and he's like all right can i get some money and i was like this next was this says the next building was converted floors to get double the units on a one one floor ceiling heights were 4.5 feet. That's not... As someone who's 6'3", that's fucking insane. I would be in constant pain. You can really just go into sleep. That's it. We gotta get Brad Williams

in there. What's that? Yeah, you gotta army crawl. That's a nightmare. That's gonna fuck your body up. The only good thing about that apartment is you tell a girl that. You're like, yeah, you're at a bar with a girl. You're like, my apartment, ceilings are four foot five.

She's like, that's a lie. What are the other stories? Oh, there was Arthur, the PBS show. Arthur ended his 25-season run on PBS this year. It started in 1996 with celebrity guest voices Making cameos throughout the run Such as Joan Rivers, BJ Novak, Matt Damon What is Arthur? That show always bugged me

It's the aardvark He's an aardvark That show always bugged me because Every time I'd be on the road in a hotel And I'd be flipping I'd be like Arthur's on I think it was a Dudley Moore movie A children's cartoon

So I always was like You're like where the fuck's the drunk guy? That's what I prefer Moore movie. A children's cartoon, so I always was like, ugh. You're like, where the fuck's the drunk guy? That's what I prefer. I love that movie. Has Simpsons beat it? Yeah, a lot. The run? Oh, yeah. Simpsons started in 90, so that's already 30 years. Wow. Simpsons is like 34. Is it still on?

Yeah, yeah. Oh my god, that's incredible. What a run. The last one. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. That's incredible. What a run. The last one. Like every major event in world history. Yeah, right? It's genius. Genius. Simpsons is genius because dumb people like it and smart people like it. It hits every brain type.

It's got jokes that go over people's heads, but then it's got the silly stuff, too. It's almost like Dave Attell. Yeah. Speaking of which, Futurama's back now. Oh go over people's heads, but then it's got the silly stuff, too. It's almost like Dave Attell. Yeah. I'm speaking about Futurama's back now. Oh, really? There you go. That was a good one. Yeah.

Only smart people like that show. Well, because that's the most educated writing staff in all of writing dumb history. They have, like, whatever, like 12 masters. Really? Eight doctorates between them. Ha! They're, like, the most over-educated comedy writing staff. Wait, there was one more, Matt.

Oh, wow. That's cool. The Curse of Atuk. What is that? A-T-U-K. I don't know if it's Atuk. A movie never made because the lead actor keeps dying. Interesting.

Originally offered John Belushi, then Sam Kinison, then John Candy, then Chris Farley. Whoa. I heard the new guy in talks was John Luke Brunel I was going to say they should hire Cosby That would be a nice way to get him out of there It's the story of an Eskimo moving to New York City

It may never be made I remember reading about this actually in Kinnison's book And Phil Hartman was attached Holy shit This movie's cursed damn i'd like to see some of these um dailies of these guys just seeing kinnison and belushi and and farley was it ever even i don't even think they started shooting i think these guys were just attached i don't think it gotcha because i remember kinnison i i think he turned it down

though i think there was some weird thing he he was attached and then he turned it down. Damn, that's wild. Because I just remembered this now, but it was like, I think he was kind of like, oh, this movie's going to suck or something. I could be totally wrong, but. The Curse of Atuk. Yeah. Don't take this movie.

Would you got any peeves, you guys? Oh, I got peeves. I got a peeve. Hit me. Hit me. I'm going to look mine up. The mugs that keep your coffee hot? Yeah. Travel mug. Travel mug.

It keeps it too hot. It never cools down. I hate too hot coffee. Why do you take the top off? I'm not smart. I'll never say to you. Why do you take your top off? Uh oh. Was it the coaster?

Yeah. All right. What's your peeve, Mark? The coaster. That's my peeve. Yeah. I don't love a hot, too hot coffee. You're like, I just need this chemical in my body, this caffeine.

Let's go. Love it to be hot, though. Why don't you put some milk in there? Milk helps. I'm solving this peeve right here. Yeah. Women hate when you solve, Sam. You got to listen.

Don't you hate that? Don't you take my top off? All right. I got two peeves. I hate the guy who interrupts. I'm sorry, what? Well, my realtor does this. We've been looking at apartments.

And there'll be like a nice lady trying to show the apartment and he has to get his chime in bullshit and she goes okay so the wall these are load-bearing wall you're like oh load-bearing wall and he gets louder to cut her off and that's a huge peeve i get it'll be a real load-bearing wall i'll tell you yeah but i hate when like they're both like they're now butting heads with a with a with a trying to get a word in. And then he gets really loud and she's like, OK, fine, you go. And he's like, blah, blah, blah, blah. All right, we got it. And I'm like, I feel bad for these people because they're trying to tell me about the apartment, which I want to hear.

And then he chimes in and has to get louder. Women really hate dudes like this. Yes. that has to get louder. It drives me nuts. Women really hate dudes like this. Yes. Right?

That's like a whole, there's like courses on women being like, don't be a victim to like guys like cutting you off. That's like a whole thing. You know, what does it say about a guy?

What does it say about a guy's personality? I think he's insecure and he's like, I gotta show you I'm working here. You know, it's like those guys like, we should have a meeting and you're like,

oh, you just want to feel like you have a job. You don't really, we don't need a meeting. There's no meeting. You just need to feel important. So the other day I was like, hey, you just want to feel like you have a job. We don't need a meeting. There's no meeting. You just need to feel important. So the other day I was like, hey, hey, she was talking.

And he was like, oh, geez. And I'm like, well, she's in the middle of a fucking sentence. And you cut her off and then she tries to cut back and they got way louder. And that drives me crazy. Yeah, it makes you nervous when it's like, because it's like an extension of you. Ah.

So it's like, this guy's being rude and I feel uncomfortable. Exactly. Because it's like he it's like an extension of you ah right so it's like this guy's being rude and i and i feel uncomfortable exactly it's like he's like representing me yes and i don't let my dad does it to my mom and that always bothered me one time my mom pulled me to the side and i she was like i appreciate how you stopped your dad that one time and i was like hell yeah yeah that's how stepmom porn starts thanks for doing that hey it's no big deal let me make it up to you i'll suck your dick yes that's the start of my life this podcast really jumped the fucking what do you have another peeve i do this this thing where everybody has to do everything together you know like uh you know they go we're

five people on this podcast no no not like that but like you know i'm out of the bar with a couple of guys and i'm like oh i'm gonna i gotta make a phone call like wait i'm about to make a phone call let's you we'll do the phone call together you go over there i'll go over there i'm like i'm just gonna make a phone call like what are we doing here yeah but i think they're like don't leave or whatever i don't know what it is but they're like oh i'm make a phone call. Like, what are we doing here? But I think they're like, don't leave or whatever. I don't know what it is, but they're like, oh, I'm making a phone call anyway. Or like, oh, you're leaving? I'll go with you.

And I'm like, well, you're leaving 30 minutes after me. I hate we got to do everything together. Oh, you're getting food? I'll get food. All right. And then I go get food. Like, wait, can you wait for me? I'm like, come on.

Oh, the planner person who wants to come along and then fucking derails the plan? Yes, exactly. Unreal. We got to do everything together. Well, that drives me nuts when it's like, well, I had a thing I wanted to do. And now you're like, wait up. Right. And I'm changing the plan. Exactly.

You're a hijacker. Hijacker. You're no different than the fucking terrorists that we try to keep out of this country day to day, my friend. Hear, hear. Also a good name for a hand job on Edible. Hijacker. But all right. Somebody tweet that

So those are my peeves You got a peeve? I have a few, I have two One is definitely when people Alright, so here's one You go to the airport, they have those narrow stalls Some airports, they only have narrow stalls And you don't think about it until you're in a regularly sized stall

Guess what, I'm at the airport I got a backpack, I got a rolly bag and i got a winter coat you think i want to jam all that shit into a door that won't open what is this i'm shitting with bags on top of me i'm good it's like an avalanche in here i'm dying yeah no that's annoying give me a real fucking stall i know what is this rikers what the hell so that's one let's see what else i got and everybody at the airport has luggage. It makes no sense to me, my friend. And you can't put the luggage outside.

Somebody will run off with it. $500 bag like that? Exactly. Not up to me. I got a P for you. People who say, like, not your, I passed a sign on the way here. It said, not your grandma's Brussels, Spice Brussels burrito. I'm like, not my, my grandma's never made me a burrito

i don't know what you're talking about not your grandma's i'm like what do you who is this for yeah did anyone and even if you are mexican was like did you grow up on brussels sprout burritos is that part of their like who the hell is that so shit like that where i'm like i don't know what the hell this ad means yeah none of it makes sense none of it adds up no everything about this ad is wrong throw in a boiler by the way yeah but then brussels you know that doesn't uh maybe they're trying to be funny maybe they know that's ridiculous maybe that's what didn't work no we're professionals it didn't work for us ain't gonna work for the general public here here i'm coming in i'm taking your advertising team by storm you're fucking garbage you hear me i don't know what company it was i'm calling out right now but yeah if you search not your grandma's brussels uh burrito i'm sure you'll find it also

not to be a cunt but i would want my grandmother's brussel burrito you know i'd be like oh shit i was hoping you'd have my same grandmother's she made a great brussel burrito yeah what the fuck are you saying about my grandma exactly crack a fucking a pretty simple burrito yeah wouldn't that be a better restaurant we make shit just like you dos toros yeah spice brussels hey not your grandmothers hey dos toros you're on notice yes you just made the list friend. They make a decent burrito, but... No, they're very good. I prefer my grandma's. My abuela. Yes. Abuela.

What is Tia? Is that aunt? Auntie. Tia. Yeah. And then mijo is cousin. My son. Son? Okay. It might be my boy. I'm not sure, but it's your son. Because hijo is boy, right? Hijo is boy, yeah. And what did you say? Mijo? yeah okay it might be my boy i'm not sure but it's your son yeah it's my son his boy right he ho his boy yeah yeah he ho and what did you say miho miho i think that's short for my boy miho miho miho miho okay got it you guys got any bits that are cracking i got i got an idea hit me

with an idea i got a semi-topical so i wonder by the time this comes out, it's not going to be relevant. But there was a thing about Sean Penn in Ukraine. Oh, yeah. And his whole thing about, you know, he's in Ukraine. And I was like, what the hell is this guy doing? Then I looked it up. He's recently divorced. I was like, that explains that.

That's great. Because anyone who just got out of something, you're just like, how much worse can a war zone really be? And then you're like, I realize that should be the whole front lines of the military. It's just dudes who just got out of something. Oh, that's good. Because they're literally on the front lines like, if I die, she's going to be so upset.

Like, do you know how sad she's going to be if I get murdered right now? They're literally dudes that are like fine with death. That's great. And every guy they killed, they're like, Cheryl! We're fighting with the Ukrainians Like I'm fighting Against that alimony

You lied to me Oh shit sorry Birth control There's something there right I like that I'll give it a go You were right I might have already posted

By the time this comes out It's topical It fits two definitions Of dead man walking Well done Although no one knows That fucking movie but us poster by the time this comes out. It's topical. It fits two definitions of dead man walking. Well done. Although no one knows that fucking movie but us. Susan Sarandon. You're a looking woman.

Oh yeah. Pull up her in Rocky Horror. Man on death row. Really seems a kid. You got that right. Is this anything? Okay. My lady is on TikTok seven hours of the day, and it drives me nuts.

But, you know, there you go. Yama, yama. Yikes. It's Fright Night. She still looks good. She's got some bombs, huh? Yeah, dude. Holy hell.

Like Ukraine. Yeah. Oh, look at that. Jeez. She's baking bread in that dress. But yeah. So ladies on TikTok, seven hours a day. But men are always sitting around like, I don't understand women.

I don't know women. Whatever. What do women want? I feel like the algorithm figured that shit out in like an hour. So men are sitting around like, we don't know our girlfriends. What do they want? The algorithm, she's getting all these targeted ads. It's all shit that I'm like, I should have thought of that.

It's almost like she has a gay friend who's, I want to get her phone, and I'll know what kind of makeup she likes. I'll know what music she likes. I'll know what dresses she likes. I'll know everything. So if I take the phone, I'll be the best boyfriend ever. It's also funny that even if you learned all this shit, you probably wouldn't do it. What am I going to learn to dance

and do it for? That's true. If you guys swap phones, she can see your Pornhub algo and you can see her shopping algo. That's pretty good. That was very good. That's pretty good. That's very good. But it's like a gay friend because it knows the makeup. The difference is if he gets her phone,

he's going to get the stuff, or if she sees his phone, she's going to be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Oh yeah, good point. You want me to be a little boy? And Filipino. Go prepare. Yeah. Miho. Miho.

Oh, we call this episode Miho? Oh yeah, that's my ho. Are we calling this episode Miho? Oh, yeah. That's my ho. But yeah, yeah. The algo knows her so well and more than I do. I don't know about her makeup, but the algo knows the makeup.

Sure. So I'm just trying. There's something there I feel like about how it knows her more than I know her. And I should tap into that. But guess what? You can't get a woman makeup. No. You can't be like. The algorithm can be like, the algorithm can say shit you could never say.

Exactly. The algorithm's like, you should try this makeup. You're like, you should try this makeup. It's like, look, I know I gave you a black eye. But either way, no. Maybe that's the angle, though. Maybe it's the algorithm can say shit you can't. Sure. You know, the algorithm's like, have you thought about Planet Fitness?

By the way, that was a joke for anyone who just tuned in for this episode and doesn't understand comedy because we're getting more and more of those. Really? You ever post a joke? Oh, my God. I posted one about NATO the other day, and a guy's like, NATO's no joke. And I was like, nothing's a joke. Right.

We make the joke. We make it a joke. This is a comedy account, motherfucker. I hate that shit. That drives me crazy. Racism isn't funny i know we'll tell that to chris rock dave chapelle richard pryor you make it funny well you make it a joke yeah i feel like i lost you there no you didn't lose me okay i wish you gave a white guy in the example

too i wish you said george carlin too okay well he's saying that they're playing on racial jokes no no i know but i mean throw it in because we're talking about our bits, I saw. I see, I see. So I was hoping you threw a white guy in there as well. Well, Louie has that great bit about black people don't fuck with time machines, you know? Nothing before 1980, thank you, you know? Great bit. White guy can be like, I'll take the year one.

We have a table right here for you, sir. Great, great bit. Great bit, but that's a bit about racism. Yeah. No, nothing's funny. Nothing's funny. Nothing's born funny. Right.

You know? You making fun of fat stuff Fat people are funny Like yes Have you seen Panette? Have you seen Louis Anderson? They make fun of being fat It's funny I haven't seen them recently

I heard they don't look well recently Yeah yeah They're both not doing great But great great comics Oh yeah Killer Killed No you got something there for sure

Alright alright I'll play with i think that might be the angle though they can say it i can't yeah because i'm doing it on stage i can feel them like ah but it's not clicking no so i need the click and that might be the click if only you had the fucking gave me attention span to tiktok because that's the tiktok is i get stuck on there sometimes so how you doing with your new algo on TikTok? I remember you said you I'm killing, I'm killing, finally Good for you Yeah, so I had these young guys

Joey Avery and Daoud in Sacramento And they were like, they're young guys They're all about content They know about the algo and all that And they're like, this is embarrassing Your TikTok, like for where you're at This is sad And I was like, yeah, you're right

What should I do? And they go, honestly, I would delete this all and start again. And once I did that, it just shot up. So thank you, guys. Funny guys. Check them out. Well, should we plug dates or what? Yeah, you got that right.

Did we go long enough? Oh, this is an hour and 25. Too long. Too long. Not really. But we got a lot of fun guests coming up. March 31st, Rochester, New York. Rochester this weekend.

I hope Beacon will be sold out. I think it will be sold out. It'll be sold out. It's only singles left right now. We're taping the same. Get those incels. Brea, California. Salt Lake City, April 15th and 16th.

Oh, yeah. Great club. Fuck, yeah yeah i'm sorry my eyes are shut oh i got uh nashville albany toronto second show added brothers there you go uh east providence rhode island tampa cleveland houston dania beach buffalo san jose sucky sucky Houston, Dania Beach, Buffalo, San Jose, Sucky Sucky. Yeah. I don't know what I'm talking about. Love you a long time. No, it's going to be great.

You changed your cover, Mark. Well, you've got to promote the tour. Love it. Look at that. We're doing some theaters. We're all over the place, all over the road. Scoot it up to March. Oh, wow.

They got my website fixed. Hallelujah. I can't read any of that. I got your mind. Beer Jew, you got that? Or Sally, you got that? March 30th at New York City. March 31st, Dania Beach.

Yeah. And April, Dania Beach still. Dania Beach straight to art. April 2nd. April 7th, you're in Indianapolis. Yeah, helium. That's all weekend there. April 14th, Charlottesville, Virginia.

At the Southern. It's a little theater. Then on to Durham, North Carolina. Washington, D.C 14th, Charlottesville, Virginia. At the Southern. It's a little theater. Then on to Durham, North Carolina, Washington, D.C., Austin, Texas, April 20th. Yeah, the Paramount Theater. Doing anything else down there? It's Moon Tower Festival, so it's a fun time. I might try to do Segura's Pod if I can. Straight on to Phoenix

for four nights. House of Comedy, maybe? I've never heard of Calusa. Calusa's Casino. That should be tough. I'm going to get my ass kicked. Where's that? Calusa, California. It's mid-California,

so it's going to be rough. Ranchers. Yeah, exactly. Ranchers, farmers, and meth heads. And Midmayer and Addison. Addison Improv. San Jose Improv. That's a big one.

I'm there, too. It's a big room. Huntsville, Chicago, Cleveland, Irvine. You're cleaning up here. All right. There you go. Irvine, Huntsville, Cleveland, Chicago at the Vic. Come on out.

Should be fun. DC Lincoln Theater. That's where Chappelle shot Killed Him Softly. Fun photo. Looks good. I like it. Salacus didn't take it. And yeah, we're cooking folks

the pod is growing we got some big guests cooking um that's a Mindy Tucker photo shout out Mindy Tucker oh yeah some videos uh alright so yeah we love you guys uh we might be drunkpod.com if you want merch you can have

a glass like this or uh koozies or whatever the fuck you want the patreon.com slash you want merch you can have a glass like this or hell yeah koozies or whatever the fuck you want the patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod uh i mean shit sally beard you anything to plug if you sign up to the highest patreon level the beard you will come to your house and make you drink it go down on you all right you're getting all these ladies like, he's so hot, blah, blah, blah, his dick's proportional. That's going to start today. I'm working at a new spa right now. It's two blocks from here.

It's called Say Less. Say Less. That's a great title for a special. It's kind of like Tao. That's why Sam has first dates. Sam's back. I don't know where I went. I'm back.

But sorry, I'm cutting you off here. Say less. You're there. You're slinging drinks. Slinging drinks. Come on by. Cockologist. He makes the best drink in the biz.

Check him out. This is a great whiskey riff. I think we might have a new one. Put the ingredients on the screen. Sally, you got anything to plug? Pay less. Buy shoes there. There you go. Great shoes. Solid. I used to go there as a kid.

Daffy's. I forgot about Daffy's. Holy shit. Alright, well, you got any... Sally's. Holy shit. All right. Well, you got any... Sally's done some sketches. You're on YouTube. You're on something.

Yeah. Check out your website. You got a website? Yeah. Salacuse.com. Okay. All my photos and skits. S-A-L-A-C-U-S-E.com.

We need a song like this to lead in. Can we get a jazz riff to lead in? Please. That should be our new intro. It'd be nice. We have that band outro-ing. I know. We need jazz.

We need jazz up front. So, any jazz people? Send us something. You know, Gerard Carmichael just recorded his special at the Blue Note. I heard. I was like, man, that's pretty badass. Small room, though. Small room, but much like him, his set was improvised.

All right. He's very jazzy, you know. He's very artsy-fartsy. I love this song. Great tune. You guys are the best. We love you. Thanks for listening.

Sunday's the day for my neck spender. I've been a fever wreck, you know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking post. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming. And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans

This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true