We Might Be Drunk - Ep 69: Bert Kreischer w/ Tito's and Kool-Aid

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

Today's episode is a treat for comedy fans, a 3 hour dive with The Machine, Bert Kreischer gets into it with Mark Normand and Sam Morril. Don't miss Mark opening for Bert at the Greek Theater on May 5th, and Red Rocks later this year! Also get out to LA during the Netflix Is A Joke festival and see Sam and Mark. ​ @Bert Kreischer   @mark normand   @Sam Morril  https://www.bertbertbert.com/ http://marknormandcomedy.com/ https://www.sammorril.com/shows Drink: Tito's Vodka Pink Lemonade Kool-Aid Mint Leaves St. Germain Support the show and get 20% off with the code DRUNK at SheathUnderwear.com Support the show and use promo code DRUNK at https://DietSmoke.com for 20% off your order. Visit http://marknormandcomedy.com/ and https://www.sammorril.com/shows for more details! Join the Patreon for bonus episodes weekly and more bonus content: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod Send us emails [e-mail]

Hi, my name is Bert Kreischer. With everything going on in the world of comedy, what with violence and jokes, I just want to make sure everyone knows that at my show at the Greek in Los Angeles on May 5th, there will be no jokes made about anyone's family other than my own. Wait a minute, I got a great joke about your wife being a whore. Well, let me hear it. Hold on, she's not done. Mark Norman will also be performing with me May 5th at the Greek. You got that right.

It's a family affair. I got a great joke about your wife being a whore. Oh, is it two for two? Wait a minute. I got a great joke about your wife being a whore. Let me hear it. She blew me yesterday. Perfect.

I got a great joke about your wife being a whore. Let's hear the joke, Mark. All right, Liam's a huge skank. Love you, Liam! We'll see you at the Greek! The Greek! Singo de Mayo! Whoo! Is that really how tall Dr. Ewing was?

Oh, yeah. That's not that tall. Seven feet? That's not seven feet. Hang on. Is that for real? Yeah. Yeah, he's a... Doesn't seem that impressive. Seven feet? That's not seven feet. Hang on. Is that for real? Yeah. Yeah, it is. It doesn't seem that impressive.

That's not as big as he was. Yeah, is that right? No, that's not right. Maybe it must be. I mean... Look at his arms like this. Am I bigger than Patrick Ewing's? Well, maybe it's not.

Yeah, I don't know. False advertising. That is weird. I never thought... I don't know. Because you ever meet a basketball player, they're like... Look at how much bigger my hand is than Patrick Hewitt. Yeah, that can't be right, then.

You're right. Now do dicks. That's great. No, he was fucking huge. That can't be right, then. I went to a Pelicans game with Hannibal once, and he got me first row front row on the field on the court

court side and it was just like avatars they looked so huge James Harden is legit a big dude he's not tall but he's large his arms are big and he is quick as fuck

he is a specimen that's the only person I've ever seen. I saw Michael Jordan play once. Really? Well, here's the interesting story about that. Man's cut to me. Man's cut to me. So I told Suguro one time, we were doing Two Bears,

and I said, he said, what's one of the most memorable shows you've ever had? And I said, I saw Nirvana play in Tallahassee. Jesus. You saw Nirvana play? And I said, yes, smashing pumpkins open for him. And he goes, it doesn't seem like that would have been real. And when it doesn't feel real.

But I have the memory. No, they were after him. And so he said, you should check that out. I said, what's the point of checking it out? Because I have the memory, right? I remember it. Interesting. That's the only thing you really want is the memory, right?

It's a fond memory I have. So if I check it out, I find out it's not a false memory. I lose it entirely. But right now I have it. I know. That's no good. Well, no. Hear me out.

Hear me out. He says, by the way, we should have put this on a podcast. This is going to. We should be saving this. Should we just start it up? Save it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Save it this on a podcast. We should be saving this. Save it, save it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Save it, I'll save it, I'll save it, I'll save it. All that Patrick Ewing stuff was fun too.

I don't know if you got any of that. The measuring yourself against him. Yeah. We're saving it. Get out of here. I understand you work with cats. Oh, of course. Easy.

All right. Wow. It's not the funnest language to speak these days. No, no, no. Ready? Yeah. Okay, we're rolling, so. All right. All right.

Let's rock. Shall we? They might be drunk. They're definitely getting drunk. Yeah. All right. Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk they're definitely getting drunk yeah all right hey hey folks here we are we might be drunk this is it the pod we're here we're queer we're shirtless kind of looks good those are good looking chests yeah do you know look at how sad mine is like this uh yeah you got a little flop over with the belt it's like with the pizza when it flops

yeah that's your stomach are you going shirtless or are you gonna hang in there i'm gonna look Oh, yeah, you got a little flop over with the tits. You didn't flop over the belt? It's like with the pizza when it flops. Yeah. That's your stomach. Are you going shirtless or are you going to hang in there? I'm going to look disgusting if I sit shirtless like this. No. No, you look all right. No, guys, I will look disgusting. It will not.

You know what it is? It's when it doesn't look funny anymore. You're like, oh. It's concerning. Yeah, yeah. So in order to be shirtless, right now I'm really fat. I'm not the fattest I've ever been. I'm losing weight, but I'm really fat. And when I need to be standing shirtless, I look okay.

The second I sit and you see my gut hang over my belt, you're like, ooh. Well, they did a study and the man bod was the hottest body to females. The man bod? I would imagine. The man bod, yeah. Oh, no, you mean dad bod. Sorry, dad bod. I was like, yeah, man's body.

Yeah, that's probably number one. Statistically, they're the most lesbian. Dad bod, yeah. Oh, no, you mean dad bod. Sorry, dad bod. I was like, yeah, man's body. Yeah, that's probably number one. Statistically, they're less lesbians. Dad bod, sorry. Is that true? The dog bod. Dad bod's number one. That can't be true. Give it a go, Peters.

I'm telling you, they did a whole study. Who are these realistic women? Yeah, they're out there. That doesn't sound real. They want to feel small. Women, I think women are woo. Uh-oh. Here's the problem. When you're sexist, They want to feel small. Women, I think women are woo. Here's the problem. When you're sexist, you have to be careful.

And I think I might be sexist. I don't know. I don't know. But I'm saying I don't know. But my wife says I'm sexist all the time. One time she said, you want to hear this? This is a fucking real story. Usually people are like, my wife says I'm not sexist.

You're going the opposite. No, no, no. My wife and daughter said that i they don't like the way i represent women in material oh really who fucking listens to them they're women but um but uh uh so one time we were getting on a we were on a plane right we had the exit rows i had the single exit row and leanne had the uh two-person exit oh yeah right and so she was by herself in the two person and she was and the single was available and then and a dude came up next to me like a tall dude and he sat in front

of leanne and i said i said hey man uh my wife's sitting by herself over here would you like to take my he was like six seven would you like to take my extra row seat and i'll sit over with my wife he was like hey thanks man and my wife said, it's interesting. You only saw that one man. You only saw that man. You know, there were tall women that walked by you. And I said, okay. And she goes, but they weren't attractive.

So they have no value to you. But they weren't 6'7". They weren't 6'7". And by the way, what am I supposed to go, hey, big bitch? Are your knees on the back of this guy's car? And I was like, like what so she lit me up for that i've been lit up for a lot but he was sitting next to her that was nobody sitting in front of her in front of her and his legs were like this and so i said i'll sit with my wife

you sit back here and so my wife's but they've said i've said you also if you're trading seats it has to be an appealing trade he's tall it's an appealing trade yeah good point that's not not feminist yeah well i've been lit up for other stuff too um the what was the one oh well this is what i was gonna say it's like you know how women can have sex and not have an orgasm and go but i still enjoy it sure well i can never say that i hear that all the time i can never be like yeah wait am i the only one that that's said too no no no as i said that i I said that, I went, wait, did I just help myself? You know, women are like, no, I don't have to have orgasms. It was great.

You know how they say that all the time? Yeah, they're very nice. This happens to every guy. I don't like girth. I get all that. I bring the vibrator in now because I want to, you know, it's like a good set. You want to do well. So I bring the vibrator in just to make sure we're all good.

Like if I don't satisfy her, I get the vibe in there. I'm licking a nip while vibing. It's like a good set. Yeah, you want to kill. Yeah. Oh, wow. Look at these fruity delights. This looks fucking awesome.

Nice job, Beer Jew. Bert, I just saw you guys on Two Bears, One Cave, when Tom Segura found out you drink like a gallon of Kool-Aid a day. Yeah. So today we got Tito's and Kool-Aid a day? Yeah. So today we got a gallon of Kool-Aid. Cedos and Kool-Aid. Genius! I shushed it up a little bit with some mint and St. Germain and a little soda.

I love it. It's really good. Oh, my God. That's delightful. This is a problem. This is a legit problem. This tastes like childhood, but it's adult. This is like driving in the desert. Because you're like, you don't see any roads.

But you're like, I can't get hurt. This is going to sneak up on you. I want it to. Oh, that's good. I want it to be like Jack the Ripper. I'll be walking down a cobblestone street because my father has a consumption. You might not be a feminist if Jack the Ripper is your example for...

I wrote one pro-woman joke in my act, but it's about stinky pussies. So I don't think it translates. I just don't, I don't think like, I'm not... Well, you know when people... Okay, here's a question. Can you get better? You know?

Of course. But no, but can you... Like, if you think something... Like, if someone's a racist... Yeah. Like, can you ever fix a racist? Because they're always going to think the thing. I think the same thing.

Like, if you're a pedophile, you can not act on it, but you still want to fuck kids. It's in you. You need... Hopefully it's not in you. in you no no i'm in the kid you need you need a real act you need active like uh what's it called cognitive behavioral therapy yeah you need it to happen to you for you to change and you have to want to change it's like being an alcoholic so like i love my daughters i love and and having daughters changed the way – I remember the first thing, my first step out of sexism. Because I think when I – no joke, no joke. I'm joking about obviously the sexism stuff.

But no joke, when I met Leanne, I was definitely sexist. I was really – I was actually sexist. Like I had a problem with women because I had been hurt by them so much. I was like every broken dude that's about to leave a comment right now. I was like those guys dude that's about to leave a comment right now yeah i was like those guys the thing about the thing about the racist though like every racist movie like american history x they befriend a black guy in prison and they're like oh i cannot be racist now there's but i don't think that works with pedophiles i don't think you just meet like one ugly kid and you're like i'm good you know yeah yeah that's true you get one kid to really talk some sense

into you and he's a little fatter. Hey, man. Like, just so you know, this is going to break me. Yeah. The rest of my life. And then you're like, amen. Don't ruin this for me. Yeah. Don't ruin this for me. Yeah.

You don't meet the kid in prison. They separate you. Right. Right. So that's... Thank God. You ever think, thank God? Like, I do gratitudes every morning.

All the time. Thank God I'm not attracted to children. It's great. Because it's not a choice. If it was a choice, you would just go, oh, I don't want to be that way. This is probably what they drink, though, honestly. By the way, if you're looking to fuck a kid, this is the cocktail. Yes.

If Michael Jackson had two more of these, I don't know if we would have gotten Home Alone 2. We should sell these in a juice box. We'll call this Michael's Hard Lemonade. Yeah, Michael's. Can I tell you, that's why I like being around you guys. Because you guys are the funniest fucking guys in New York. You are the two funniest comics working without a fucking doubt. But it's like, my wife will never get it. Because she goes, she's like, what are you doing tonight?

And I said, I'm going up. Mark and Sam are going to have drinks. She's like, I thought you were going to slow down. And I was like, yeah, but how can I slow down when I have the opportunity to laugh my fucking dick off well we don't have to you know next time you know if you want to come back we don't have to drink oh yeah we do yeah yeah you guys are the two funnest drinking you're the two funnest drinking guys around there's not a lot of us left we were talking about it's a dying art a lot of sober comics oh yeah you guys have you guys so i so i'm the i'm the prototype of of i have the most sober friends probably.

Like people who, because I partied for, I've been partying in comedy for 25 years. Yeah. And so we've lost a lot of dudes. Sure. Right? Like a lot, lost, dead, but then a lot of people go sober. When they go sober, they do the 12 steps. Have you gotten someone to approach you with an apology yet?

Yeah. I had a guy hit me up I grew up with and he gave me this me this long call about how he was shitty and the truth was I always thought He was a pretty fun drunk. So I was kind of like no you were great That's a tough thing to say to someone though who's approaching you with a problem where you're like you were fantastic Yeah, there was never a problem like someone you maybe you're shitty to someone else Yeah, but then he started saying like I talked all this shit about you and I was like well that wasn't too Now you're just telling me you didn't like me. I would have left that right have you do you have a lot of sober friends oh i've had i've had i have had uh and i've had so many people do that whatever step that is is that like the

10th step nine ninth step nine quick coming out of your mouth it's nine it's nine it's nine it's a lot more to get there but um i remember the first time i got one i remember the first time i didn't realize what was happening and leanne was with me and this dude pulled me aside uh he approached me somewhere i was somewhere public and he came up to me and he was like hey man i was like what's up he's like i need to apologize to you and i was like for what and he was like i i did this i did this i did this we're fine we're brian hang on and leanne said bert stop i go what she goes he's apologizing to you and i went yeah i know but i'm cool i don't have a problem and she goes no bert i don't think he's doing this for you

i think he's doing this for himself and i went what and then he was like i'm recently sober i'm just trying to make amends. And it was awesome. And I'll tell you why. And I just realized this. I got to actually decide if I wanted to forgive him. Normally when people apologize for shit, it comes so quick to you. You're like, yeah, whatever, whatever. And I sat with him and I went, okay.

I was like, in my head, I was like, I had a lot of good times drinking with this guy. I had a lot. The last time, it was a mess. It was a little complicated. He was a pain in the ass. But it doesn't overweigh the other ones. And I went, buddy, I forgive you. I'm glad you're doing well.

Keep on this journey. You seem very clear-headed and fucking awesome. And then I've had ones that I haven't accepted. I've had a couple that I have. I've said, I do not accept your apology. I appreciate it. Were they consistently bad drunks? It was Mel Gibson.

The worst human beings I've ever come in contact with. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just bad personality traits. Yeah. And the alcohol was part of it, but they don't lose the personality trait. Kicks it up a notch. And so I've actually said, I don't accept your apology.

I don't want you in my life. Whoa. Damn, man. Yeah, I've had a lot of people get sober. I've had people get sober. Dude, I've had people get sober and lie about it. I've seen that. That's the good one.

When they're like, everyone's like, no, no, no, no, that person's sober. And I'm like, I got in trouble one time because I called him out. Wait, is Swartzen, did he go sober? I think he's taking a break. Oh, all right, that's good. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

I like a break because sober is such a commitment. It's a life-changing event. I taking a break. Oh, all right. That's good. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I like a break because sober is such a commitment. It's a life-changing event. I like a break. I wouldn't mind a break that like, I could use a break right now if I'm just touring so hard. I don't really have an opportunity. But I took a break on the road last week for a chunk of days, like three days. Yeah.

Which is, it's amazing how fucking rejuvenated you are. I know. Your brain is not buggy. How do you do the road as hard as you do? In the mornings are you not hurting? That's what I was going to say. Don't take this the wrong way. Please.

But I think if you were thin, you'd be in worse shape. I think the belly there can soak up booze. It can absorb. Interesting. Because if you were thin, you'd be dead. Possibly. I think I got something here. I'll tell you.

I was talking to someone about it the other day. I have a very punitive sense of sensibility. What does that mean? When I wake up, if I'm hungover, I get angry with myself. And I go, you earned this, asshole. Now why don't we get out of bed and get something done today? Why don't we fucking go do something? And for lately, like when on the road is disc golf, when I'm at home, I can get on my treadmill

and I go, five miles, man, you earned it. Let's go. Get on the treadmill. And once I get on the treadmill, once my blood starts flowing, it all kind of goes away. It's the best thing for you. And I also started a happiness journal to try to figure out and highlight the things that make me happy. for you and i also started a happiness journal to try to figure out and highlight the things that make me happy i've been i've been on a little bit of a growth kick after i got covid when i got

covid i got hungover i drank fucking hard as shit the night i got covid then i woke up the next morning and i was like what the fuck dude i'm i'm like i think i'm done i had covid i thought it was a hangover yeah and i was like i fucking this is a bad hangover like i was shaky and my back hurt and all of a sudden i can't smell anymore yeah taste i was like i gotta quit fucking drinking and and then and so i quit drinking for like 10 you know obviously 10 days whatever fucking covid is and um and in that 10 days i was like i need to assess what i need to highlight things that make me happy and focus on them and i was dealing with so much bad shit like so like things where it could fuck me up right or obsess about it and

regurgitate it sure sure and i was like i gotta get rid of those things and highlight oh that's not real that's not that's not real i need to not focus on that and so i did it and in the process i realized when i'm sober i'm pretty pretty fucking lazy. I'm the same way. I wake up and I go, I feel good. I'm going to have a breakfast burrito. Right. When I woke up hungover, I go, I'm not eating today. I woke up hungover.

Obviously, we partied all night. Had one piece of pizza last night. Woke up, didn't eat until 1.30. There you go. Yeah. And I told you. I said, I looked at it and I went, you don't deserve that. That's punitive.

You don't deserve that. Pizza, the night of drinking, it's necessary. If I don't eat before I go to bed, I'm dead. Dead. You got to soak it up. Yeah. I have a weird fucking brain though.

I wouldn't want anyone else to have my brain. My daughters have my brain and I feel bad for them because they have my, you know. I was just telling you about the fucking, the smashing pumpkins. Yeah. This is how my brain thinks. Uh-oh. I was just telling you about the fucking the Smashing Pumpkins. This is how my brain thinks. I've said this

and I'm sure that some fucking psychologist will be like, oh, he's a narcissist. I'm sure there's a term for me. So I was talking to Skirt. We were doing Two Bears, One Cave. I don't know if you heard this, but we were talking about Nirvana. Greatest shows we ever saw. I saw Nirvana open for Smashing Women's Open for Nirvana greatest shows we ever saw I saw Nirvana open for

Smashing or Smashing Moments open for Nirvana at the Civic Center in Tallahassee in 1995 94 93

and he was like really and you know Skirra's like a literal person and he's like it doesn't seem like they would have opened for them should we google this

or you don't want to know by the way you can actually but here's what happened so I go well hold on. I have that memory. And sometimes with memories,

you don't remember it right. You kind of punch up the memory as you live. Yes. And so... Why do we do that? So we think we had a more interesting life? Yeah, I think it helps you. But in the end, does it matter?

Say you have a boring life, but you remember a great life. But this is good in a positive experience, but what if some kid goes, hey, you molested me? And you have a boring life, but you remember a great life. But this is good in a positive experience. But what if some kid goes, hey, you molested me? And you're like, no, I didn't. He's like, that's what I remember. Now you're fucked. Well, that does happen with you were a bully in high school.

And you're like, no, I wasn't. And you're like, yeah, you were. And then you're like, no. Come on, fatback. What are you talking about? And so I said to Tom, I said, no i remember nirvana played the civic center i was there smashing pumpkins open for them and i said and i go i can very easily check this out i'll call my buddy john dacre i'll ask him if nirvana ever played the civic center if we saw them

and he was like i said or do i want to run the risk of losing that memory? I have the memory. I have it. It's real in my head. Whether or not it really happened, I don't know. It doesn't matter. Do I run the risk? And then I said, I saw Jordan play basketball, but I don't know if that's real. Because it's a memory.

And memories are always fading. And I'm like, wait. And I go, I don't want to find out the truth. And he was like, well, we're going to embarrass. He's like, we got to find the truth. I call John Dacre. I go, like, wait. And I go, I don't want to find out the truth. And he was like, well, we're going to embarrass. He's like, we got to find the truth. I call John Dacre. I go, hey, man. And by the way, this is like rolling the dice because I'm fucking going to be really bummed

if I never saw Nirvana. It's one of my favorite bands. I believe you saw Nirvana. I just don't know if you saw the Pumpkins. Yeah. It's Pumpkins. So I called John Dacre. I said, hey, man, did we see Nirvana?

Have we ever seen Nirvana in concert? And he said, me, you, and Dacre saw Nir hey man did we see Nirvana did we did we have we ever seen Nirvana in concert and he said me you and Dacre saw Nirvana at the Civic Center and I said oh my god and he goes yeah Smashing Pumpkins opened up for him and I went oh and now by the way I didn't here's the deal I didn't feel better and he's like we both fuck Courtney Love that night like I don't know if that happened but that's how I remember it I sold a Kurt Cobain a shotgun I don't know if that happened, but that's how I remember it. I sold a Kurt Cobain a shotgun. I didn't feel better knowing that it was real. It didn't change. Interesting.

However, I ran the risk of losing a great memory. So I will never Google. I like that. If I saw Michael Jordan play basketball in 1997 in Orlando, I will never Google that. Wow. Well, he was still playing then. I will never. And don Wow. Well, he was still playing then. I will never. And don't you pull it up on this fucking thing. And don't you, if you're listening, do not Google.

Yeah. But it's weird when people do this to benefit them. They're like, oh, I did a show last night and I killed. And you're there, you're thinking like, I was there, you bombed. Yeah. But they have to do that to. Well, that's like, we all did that early in comedy. Oh, yeah.

When I'm like, that was all right. And then listen to tape and you're like i can't i mean it's i can't listen it's the strip club that she's into me i can tell she's into me and you're all your friends like oh god you just pulled out 1400 would you rather be accurate or delusional i mean how much fun do you think it would be i don't know i'm gonna say the guy's name but you know we're talking about it stand-up clubs who like i fucking rock that room that's what i'm saying nice to be that fucking guy and walk off and it hurts your comedy if you're that delusional you're not you're not connecting right that's true okay so do you want to be us i fucking i hate my act i hate everything i do and is that it's good to hate your act i

think a little bit a healthy a healthy amount of hate if you hate it a little bit it keeps you going i mean you write a new hour every year and a half, right? Do you know how hard it is sometimes to say the words that I'm thinking that I put? Like, I have this bit right now that's murdering so good. I saw it last night. It didn't hit the hour. No, I'm just kidding. But the Smashing Pumpkins were there, and that was pretty cool. Yeah.

They killed. And then I need a second part to it because it's a two-part bit. It's one part, and I got the beats down early. It's easy to get a story going in the beginning. To get a story getting going is great, but to end a story is so fucking hard. And I need to end it. I need to end it right now. I'm saying, and then I shit my pants.

You know how fucking angry that makes me? Those words come out of my mouth. And I shit in my shoe. You're going gonna get it it takes so long because you had that white knight story it was your white whale you text me over like a five year span you're like what about this what about this what do you but some of your stories you have the ending and you kind of just fell out the middle though right um so i got great ending i have a great ending i have a great the yeah i got great ending. Sometimes if I recognize a story, I go, the ending is what you notice first.

And you go, oh, I just got to write the front part. And sometimes you'll get loose on the front part. It won't be as good. But you just got to get, once you have the ending, you're set. You're set. Because people with a story, they want to know it's over. Yes. They want, but I've gotten too nifty with that.

It's like sex. They want to see. They want to be like, you came. Right. That's why no one comes inside anyone. Because you don't trust them. In porno. In pornos.

Right. You never see the guy go, ugh. And if they do, wait, what did you say? No, I didn't know where it was going at first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, and if you do, it's a cream pie. They're like, and let's see it come out. Right.

You need the receipt. You need the receipt. And that's, I remember one time I was in, I was in Calgary. I had this great, I had this, these two, let me say, I had these two good jokes. My daughter Isla is a weird kid. She puts her deodorant in the refrigerator. Oh, you never heard this joke? That's a great idea.

Oh, it's, well, no, no, no. Oh. So I said to Leanne, she puts on, I'll tell you the joke. I've already done it. She puts her name in the refrigerator. Her deodorant in the refrigerator and puts her name on the cap and the base of the deodorant. And so as not to confuse it with all the other deodorants in the refrigerator. So I said to Leanne, I go, what the fuck's up with Isla? And she goes, well, you know Isla.

And I said, no, apparently I don't. So one morning I'm making coffee. Isla comes in. And she looks. She's on the slide. She looks at me and sees i'm not looking she opens her refrigerator she takes out her deodorant she wipes her finger across it rubs it above her lip and puts it in the thing shuts the door and i go what the fuck

was that she goes mind your own business whoa so now so now here's the so that was that was kind of that story right i had another story about Isla where I talked about her. One time I ate an edible and I just mashed it up a little bit. I changed a little bit of it. But I ate an edible and I went to bed and Isla woke me up. I wasn't sleeping. I was way too high. She came up next to me in the middle of the night.

She goes, Dad, do you believe in time travel? This is like fucking 2 in the morning. I'm holding on to the fucking bed trying to fucking go to sleep. And she goes, do you believe in time travel? By the way, I really believe in time travel? It's like fucking two in the morning. I'm holding on to the fucking bed trying to fucking go to sleep. And she goes, do you believe in time travel? By the way, I really believe in time travel. I believe more in time travel than I do in death, right? So I go, yes, why? And she goes, that's all I need to know.

Good night. And she leaves. Well, that's trippy. But there were okay bits, right? Well, I get drunk one night in Calgary and I fuck them up. And I mash them up and I turn it into one bit where I then tell them together. My daughter says, do you believe me? Yeah.

She goes, that's all I need to know. She leaves. Now I'm on the edge going, what? Like, there's got to be a 30 year old version of herself in her bedroom going, what did he say? Yeah. She goes, he said it's true. And she goes, I told you to listen. Your dad's going to gonna die but we're

gonna save him what i need to do is take your deodorant put it in the refrigerator because the joke was she when she did this she said i can't trust that everyone's gonna put on deodorant so i'm just doing it for them so she'll put deodorant under her nose so that no one smelled like shit for the day she got to pick what she smelled right such a weird fucking brain but when i mashed him up i had the end i tell it in calgary i get the end time travel smells like shit we need you to take the door and put in the fridge and they applauded and i and i got off stage there was i wish i knew who this fucking kid that i worked with was he was such a good comic for four years he was so good and he goes i go dude they applauded

that joke and he went yeah i did too and i went why and he goes, I go, dude, they applauded at that joke. And he went, yeah, I did too. And I went, why? And he goes, because it was over. Oh. Are you being serious? And he goes, well, yeah, when someone finishes something, you're like, that was really good. And you're like, holy shit. That fucked me up for like, hey, big boy, you will notice every one of my bits is ta-da every bit had like a fucking

let me just suck this dry real quick isn't that crazy when you you fuck up a bit and it helps it on accident dude that's why you got to do the road a lot because you never know yeah because you're just tired and your brain shuts off and you say something by accident and you're like oh shit that's the joke's better i know i'm dumber just just flipping wording around one time like i have this joke about isla right now where she gets up turns around um says six seven hundred eight hundred dollars six hundred dollars and proceeds to have a stroke and i just i fucked up the wording. Yeah. And it got such better because I crammed everything in. And then sometimes you know that your wording isn't great, and you're like, wait, I know that this isn't perfect,

but it's good enough, and I don't want to fuck with it yet. Yes, yes. You know? Totally. Yeah, sometimes you just have to say it. We're talking about hating our acts, but sometimes when you say it until you're sick of it you just kind of are going through the motions and you almost need that it's almost like something it's like you can't have great sex every night sometimes

it's going through the motion sex you know and and going through the motion sex it's like okay well this keeps you able to like know how to have sex that's right i don't know if this analogy makes any sense no we were talking about what you don't always have wet pussy sex yeah you have the hey we'll get the wet pussy sex and it's the same you don't always have a huge boner sex sometimes it's a halfie and you mush it in oh i kind of like that though that is fun leanne knows that i like i like starting off kind of soft and getting harder yeah throughout it she knows that and she she'll she'll say this is creepy about my wife. She'll go, I know you like this. But that comfort is important, man. Just having that.

And sometimes you're doing so many gigs that you just flub a line and it helps you. And you're like, fuck. You know, it's another big one is falling out of love with a bit. You know, you're like, I love this bit. Then like two years later, it's just a regular old bit. And then you can see it clearer. It's like a woman. When you're in love with her, you don't notice her flaws and whatever.

And then when you fall out of love, you're like, ah, she's this, she's that. Same with a bit. Yeah. You can kind of see it in reality. You ever do that? You ever just have a joke in a Word document or something and then you shelve it for two years? Yes. You go back and you're like, oh, young me didn't understand how to handle this. Exactly. It's like a pussy. i still don't know how to handle a pussy a joke i wrote when i first started doing stand-up like when i was working the door was i'm not homo i'm not

homophobic i'm a homochondriac oh and i but i couldn't that's where i left it and then in one of my specials i I figured it out. I was like, I'm not homophobic. I'm a homochondriac. I'm not afraid of you being gay. I'm just afraid one night we'll get drunk and you'll trick me into it

and I'll like it. That's great. And so I was like, oh, that works. There we go. But you're right. Louis did that. Louis was a big guy

of going back to his earlier stuff and fucking refiguring it out. That's basically comedy time travel. The problem is, the problem is, if you are, that's great for guys who find their voice very early. If I went back to my old bits, it would just be me reworking Dane Cook's hour. Because, like, all my early bits were, like, a mashup of Dane Cook and Dave Attell. Right. Like, that's all.

And any comic that says they weren't mashups of those two, they were the most. Dane Cook, I don't think he gets the proper credit that he deserves. No, he's a beast. He was, he defined, he showed us, he showed us a way through the jungle where no tigers were. And no one had that. Thank you.

No one had that. Thank you. Everyone, Attell got attacked by tigers all the time he always got out of the jungle jim norton actually made a living letting tigers jump at him and then fucking throwing them off right so like so so bombing is tigers okay okay game showed us a way through the jungle where you but we didn't bomb yeah like I'm it's the only person I've ever seen in stand-up comedy that went on with the confidence of an ice skater knowing they're gonna stick all their fucking moves Dane Cook was was still is still is so

fucking adept at so charismatic that no one gives him enough credit for how fucking influential he was sure I'll I won't name names, but we- It's tough when your career- Because I agree with you, but I think it is tough when your career goes like this as opposed to this, because I do think he blew up so big that it's almost like it's unsustainable. There's nowhere to go but down. Yeah. I mean, he did.

He didn't- I don't think he ever did theaters. I think he just went straight to arenas. Yeah. See, that's crazy. He went from the Orlando Improv to the fucking arena in orlando damn same but yeah the way it sucks to be in orlando but cut to cut to cut to i do i do the tallahassee civic center the right and now i know for a fact and i got to see there i sat i sold the

same amount of tickets as fucking nirvana and i looked at the seat i sat in with john dacre and brent bracken in that fucking civic center and i knew it was a real thought i knew it was a real memory but i was like i sat right there and watched nirvana stand on this stage in this same setup it was fucking it was surreal you come out to a nirvana song no that's a nice touch that's great i should I should have. Time travel. Go do it again. I do believe more in time travel than I do death. Ah, you're crazy. Yeah, you said that before. I don't understand how.

I don't believe in death. I don't believe it. Really? I don't believe in it. This is a worse take than whoopee. Nope. I don't believe in it. I'm not going to believe in it.

I refuse to believe in it. All right. Because when it happens, I'm not going to feel it, I guess, right? So wouldn't it be better just to not believe in it it right and then just and then when it happens you're like well i guess i was wrong as opposed to thinking about it every morning when you wake up are those gonna be that's gonna be on your tombstone i was wrong yeah yeah oopsies george carl george carlin had the best tombstone it just says well he was he was here a minute ago the best tombstone. It just says, well, he was here a minute ago. The best tombstone ever. I don't know.

Funerals aren't a cool thing anymore. No one does funerals. What are you talking about? No one does funerals. That's true. You mean like Zoom funerals? No, no, no. No one's doing funerals.

I've had a few friends die and no one does funerals for them. Really? Is that true? They're like, yeah. But they were suicides. So maybe they don't do funerals for suicides comics should do funerals the way they did it on the wire where you just throw someone on a pool table and you get drunk the wake the way yeah i love that the wire funerals are awesome

yeah it's irish i wanted to have a funeral for my 50th birthday party like i wanted to sit in the casket right but the cat's gonna be tilted up so I can see everyone. And then I want to invite. It's an open invite. Right. I want to see who shows up. I want to experience my funeral. And I want people to come and I want people to talk.

I'm going to have Segura talk. I'm going to have Rogan say some words. I'm going to have my friends say some words. It makes sense. I want to hear what they're going to say. I want to be there. I want to see how fun it is. Because Patrice had the best funeral in the the world but he didn't get to see it that's true i mean so why not yeah why not it's tom sawyer that's the mark twain book he gets to

see his own funeral is this true rich rich voss at patrice's funeral said he'll be selling cds outside that's the funniest thing i've ever heard the funniest line i've ever heard is david tell on opium anthony yes when he goes, come on, people. We need a double extra large coffin and a big purple suit. Because it was all uncomfortable and sad. And he brought that line in and broke the tension. It was amazing. Attell, it was my first night back at the cellar after COVID.

It was like a couple weeks ago. And I just walk in. He's on stage. I'm like, let me wait for a big laugh so he doesn't see me. So I dig in. And as I think I made it through on stage. I'm like, let me wait for a big laugh so he doesn't see me. So I dig in. And as I think I made it through, he goes, feeling better, Sam? And then just goes right back into material.

That was for nobody. That was just for him to dig me. When I was a young comic, I was walking through the back of the cellar. And I had a Hawaiian shirt on. And he goes, hey, Hawaiian shirts. Only two people wear Hawaiian shirts, Homosexuals and party animals. Which one are you? And I am such a jackass.

I went, I'm a party animal. That's a shame. The funniest thing I ever saw him do, and there's a million things, but there was two Hispanic women in the front row who weren't laughing at anything. And he sees them immediately and just goes, what happened, ladies? Did Selena die again? We all fucking lost it he is the greatest i could just do he's the greatest yeah he is the best goat he's the crazy that he hates it you know call me the greatest i will fucking give you a hug you said bird is the greatest storyteller around i'd be like thank you i can find someone noticed i can see how it's annoying to walk

because he's always doing new shit. So I'm sure it annoys him. Like, you know, I remember watching Craig Ferguson once. And he was like, this is the greatest comedian ever. And you could just see Dave was furious. Now he's got to live up to that. Right. I wish he had a little more Louie in him or whatever.

He would just do a special every year. Or every other year. Like, put some of this shit down on TV. I'll tell you what I do. I'll tell you what I would do if i was netflix i would do give him a half hour i'd sign david tell i'd sign david tell okay here's my pitch if robbie prawe is listening here's my pitch he's not if he is uh 10 million dollar deal for for 10 years. Okay. Just give him 10 right up front. 10 million now, right? 10 years,

and Dave Attell has to release a special every quarter. Whatever he's working on, we get to see it every quarter. Oh, he would hate this. Why? How long do you think? Attell can turn over,

okay, how about every six months. By the way, I don't need big production i just like a camera in the cellar to shoot that put it on netflix every six months and just turn material turn material this podcast turns into talking about a tell so much here's my pitch isn't that crazy here's my pitch for dave insomniac but in the daytime it's sober dave like just do insomniac like he used to do but but he's just all the same stuff, but it's daytime. Yeah. You know?

That's funny. He's doing a lemonade stand. He's buying Girl Scout cookies. The zoo. You know? I don't know. I think he wakes up at five. How about this?

How about this? You might not like this pitch. What if David Tell starts a podcast and talks about us? Oh, God. He would hate that too. Alright, let's change subjects. Did you watch the Oscars? No, what happened? That shit slapped. It was great.

Do you think he was drunk? Will Smith? I think they're all drunk there. I think he's going through a lot. He's in Scientology. His wife's fucking other dudes. But do you think the boo drunk? Will Smith? I think they're all drunk there. I think he's going through a lot. He's in Scientology. His wife's fucking other dudes. But don't you think the booze pushes you over the... Maybe, maybe. But I think...

I don't think you do that sober. I think you have to have at least a couple. They don't feed you there. I don't even know if he drinks. Rage is different. Rage is different. Have you ever been... So I got in control of my...

Here's what I was fascinated by. And I apologize to monopolize this but like I'm hyper aware of being videotaped I'm hyper aware of it because I have fucked up a couple times where I was videotaped and And I was afraid it was gonna get leaked where I behaved poorly sure and so I'm hyper aware So when we went to Red Rocks remember went to Red Rocks Yep, and that lady talked shit to me and everyone lost their fucking minds.

We were trying to get to our van after the Jimmy Buffett show. Oh, yeah. And everyone lost their mind. I'm hyper aware that there are people with cameras. So I stay grounded in those moments. I'm really good at putting off rage. I cut this lady off one time. I didn't even know I did it.

I actually thought she cut me off. But the point was, I knew that I wasn't gonna she was so angry and she pulled up and she had her phone out and she was recording me and she was like you fucking cut me off motherfucker and I was so aware that I was being

recorded and I was like and I actually believed she cut me off but I also knew I wasn't gonna change her mind like at no point was she gonna go oh wait you're right but I also knew I wasn't going to change her mind like at no point was she going to go oh wait you're right maybe that was red I wasn't paying attention I just went I'm so sorry I'm really sorry I wasn't paying attention you're right I'm wrong

and so I just diffused it because I was like I don't want to be caught like that and did she calm down when you did that no no no actually not at all it got worse and so and so she called me the n-word and took off. You took off Rogan? But that's what's amazing to me is that rage, when you're in rage, that's all the Karens.

Will went full Karen. Yes. He couldn't control it. Right. It's rage, man. And rage is like, okay, let's talk about the feelings, the best feelings in the world. Full rage when you're shaking. You feel like a superhero and you think, I will fucking rip this wall down.

Yeah. That. Yeah. Being turned on when you're like, oh my God, I'm so turned on. I could fucking. Yeah. Your body vibrating. Thank God he didn't feel that toward Chris.

That would have been even worse. How great would he be if he just fucking just anally raped him on that stage? Jada would have been like, finally. That's all she wants. But there was rage. He was drunk with rage. And who knows what had happened leading up to that? All the stuff leading up to it.

Yeah, they clearly didn't like it. They clearly had tension because. Yes. Because you think about what Rickles used to say to to sinatra the biggest egomaniac ever he'd say things like hey frank make yourself at home hit someone and sinatra would laugh yeah so it's all about past relationship you know well did you see the 2016 oscars where rock trashes jada it's pretty fun it's pretty funny but it's like oh okay so there is some history here she was boycotting the oscars because Will didn't get nominated. And I don't remember the joke. The joke was...

He goes, it's not fair he didn't get nominated. It's also not fair he got $20 million for Wild Wild West. And then he goes... Life's not fair. She goes, he's like, you're not boycotting. You weren't invited. I'm not boycotting Rihanna's panties. That's an edgy joke for the Oscars.

I know. That's one you probably can't get away with these days. No, it was a different time. Just 2016 to now is vastly different with jokes. Ricky Gervais is the best. Yeah. He put out an alopecia joke. Did you see that?

No. Yeah, yeah. What did he say? He just had a clip from him on The Office or whatever, one of his shows, and he did an alopecia joke, and he just posted it. He is so good. It's also unfortunate she has alopecia, but it's not like, you know. It's not bad. It's not cancer. She's also unfortunate she has alopecia, but it's not like, you know. It's not bad.

It's not cancer. She's also got great head shape privilege. There's some people that go bald and then have like dents and it looks like their head was beaten with a shovel and you have to live like that. Jeff Ross, for example. Joking Jeff. But that's not, yeah, I don't know. Well, it's got to be weird. I mean, like I'm trying to be empathetic to alopecia.

Yeah. But like, it's got to be weird to have, like, so when you have empathetic to alopecia. Yeah. But it's got to be weird. So when she has alopecia, she has no hair anywhere on her body? No, no, no, no, no. It hits you in certain areas. Oh, so it's just thinning as she shaves it. It falls out. Okay. So it could come back.

She's brought so much awareness to alopecia. I know. It's huge for them. Yeah. But it's not like there's an alopecia group somewhere. We're acting like it's fucking- There's got to be. Yeah, no, there definitely is. What are you talking about? You think there's groups with alopecia group somewhere we're acting like it's fucking there's gotta be i know they're definitely what are you talking about you think there's groups

with alopecia like marching and shit i don't know if they're marching but maybe they're meeting what are they meeting about you lost your hair me too i'll see you later type in there's someone google alopecia foundation is there a support gotta be oh hold on this one for everything what if this is alopecia awareness month Month? Oh, that would be perfect. National Alopecia Aretha Foundation based in San Rafael. Cure and treatment of alopecia aretha. Oh, get out of here. It was found in 1981.

That's kind of late. Oh, that's pretty old. Yeah. Wow, Miss California had it, huh? Jeez. All right. See, you can still prosper. I have alopecia. I do. i get it in my beard like oh really

yeah but i laughed that was yeah yeah exactly that was i thought it was a joke we're really just getting a little little fuzzy on the medical condition i mean that should be reserved for big shit yeah medical condition like all right well everything's a medical impotency is a medical condition is it not yeah well what if that was the joke he slapped him for oh he's like will can't get his dick up and he just got up and walked up and slapped him you're like oh i guess that's real here's what i think i think he's been kind of uh cucked for a while everybody's making fun of your wife's fucking all these dudes and he can't hit her so when chris rock says something he's like i'll channel it all to this yeah because

i'm already kind of getting made fun of that's gotta be tough to be to have all that he has and then publicly you have to deal with that because that and i'm gonna be really honest i'm not a fan of that i don't like i don't like this is what's tough for me and i've talked about this on two bears a lot i'm a fucking will smith ride or die like i'm first and foremost he gave me my he gave me my very first development deal yeah and he taught me how to sell tv shows he had such a big impact on me in this business and and and his calling card the fact that he was the one that kind of gave me my first deal was like it meant a lot to me and so through all of this including the slap slap, I was like – because immediately I go to rock. I'm like – I'm a comedian.

My team's rock. And you can't hit someone under any – like was it a great joke? No, but you can't hit someone under any circumstances. Right. But I haven't enjoyed this – I'll say this I'm gonna try the most polite way that if we'll ever heard this with Robbie bra It I'm I have not enjoyed this red table fucking show I think are you being serious? Yeah, it is It is the fucking worst goddamn show. I fucking hate it because it's basically Jada's table where she

Kind of has they talk their family stuff out. Oh. And it's where entanglement comes from. It's where all the stuff that you're hearing, that you know about Will Smith is based on these red table conversations. Now, I'm certain that Jada would probably feel differently about it and probably Will feels differently about it. I will say publicly as a fan of Will, a ride or die for Will Smith, I have not enjoyed it i don't i also didn't enjoy aunt viv coming after will do you

remember that yeah i didn't like that i didn't like that well she was like a juilliard actress she was kind of like i should i should be the star and it's like i don't think you've seen the show it's the fresh prince not the aunt and the fact that she's holding on to a grudge 40 years later right and and still wants to dress him down yes and i'm like i want to say ma'am uh do you not i understand that your path in hollywood must be very tough being a black actress in the fucking 70s and 80s however you have been in this business long enough to understand that he is he is a rising star and the world fucks them up and they do fucked up things because they don't really have any boundaries and what he did wasn't horrible but you were

difficult also you have to realize your account I didn't like that I didn't like that I don't like the red table and I don't like what's happening with Will I didn't like they need a fucking YouTube channel I don't like any of that shit it's fun when celebrities are like Nicholson and they have a little more mystique but it's probably harder and harder to do that because when you see an actor who's not on Instagram, you're shocked, right?

You're like, oh, wow, good for you. Yeah. Timothy Chalamet has no social media. And I'm like, good for you. And he's young. Because he's got to put on a mask and we got to believe it. Yeah. And I'll tell you right now, this is what bummed me out the most is my first initial my two thoughts right these are my two thoughts when i saw that slap number one is i

identify with chris rock getting slapped i identify with that i am that person i have been slapped for a joke i have been slapped in high school a couple times punched a couple times and i got beat up one time yeah for jokes before i was a professional comedian. That's how that works. I understand the streets have their justice. Keep my name. I get it. But the second he got slapped, the look on his face as he tried to read the documentary, I was like, I'm that guy. That's me.

That's me. In this whole scenario, that's who I identify with. That's my, I'm that person. We all identify with a comic. Totally. I remember I got punched in the face once. I was insulting a woman i was talking to a girl at a bar many years ago i was in my early 20s on the road and uh i was uh talking to a girl and her friend kept

leaning into being like not interested everything like just kept insulting me and finally i said like get some more botox you lizard thing like just instinct drunk and her and her boyfriend just decked me and i was like i deserved it i mean like it's what happened but it also is like you know yeah i mean it is also like it shouldn't be violent right in my head i thought i deserved it but then looking back like yeah violence is not that's not right the second thing i thought was this is going to change how everyone sees will smith for the rest of his life. Isn't that fucked up? It bummed me out.

It bummed me out. I went, you can't you're not going to be able to. It ruined and otherwise what should have been an incredible night for him because it's like his I owe you one Oscar because he didn't get it for what else did he nominate for? Concussion or something. Whatever. Yeah, but they're like, oh, he's

been a star for so long. He's like a dude they want to give it to. Yes. And they gave it to him, and then they took away a career. No, he's still going to be huge. You don't think so? No, no. I think so. Interesting.

Nope. You're going to go to a movie, and you're going to see Will Smith, and all you're going to think about is the guy that slapped Chris Rock. Dude, when you resort to violence, you define who you are to everyone. You show everyone you are not below all

of us. That is the deal you make. Dude, I tell a joke in college. I wrote a song to Pink Houses by John Mellencamp. I'm going to talk about this a little bit maybe. I haven't really talked in depth about it.

But it was just rhyming. His name is Hartley. He's HIV. His name is Hartley. STD, baby. His name is Hartley. He's going to. That's my buddy. I can say that joke because that's my buddy i can say that joke size my buddy

he didn't get upset but i made another one about another guy in our fraternity and it was innocuous but he didn't get it because he's because that's the way his brain works he's not not the guy that gets it he gets emotional and rage fills him and one day right before finals he beats the fuck out of me whoa we get into a sky i don't really remember much of it because i got knocked unconscious but he all i know is that the smashing pumpkins open though yeah he beats me uh up i then am confused i walk onto campus um and a girl finds me sitting on a bench and campus crying and i don't know who i am i don't know where i am i don't know who I am. I don't know where I am. I don't know what's going on. Oh, my God. And I'm like repeating things. I'm fully concussed.

Whoa. And she knows me. She's a Pi Phi. And she grabs me. She puts me in. She had a minivan. I remember that. She drove me out to the hospital.

They asked me where I went to school. And I said, Jesuit, which is my high school. Oh, boy. And they're like, whoa, what happened to you? And she's like, I don't know. He's not. I don't remember what happened. My roommate drunk no no stone sober is during finals i was supposed to be taking finals my roommate and my girlfriend at the time find out i'm at that someone

calls calls they find out at the hospital they grab me they they keep me in the hospital i think overnight i then come in and i will say this unequivocally. That dude lost a lot of friends that day that have never spoken to him since. And it changed the way everyone saw that dude for the rest of his life. Now, he may not feel that now, right? But I'm certain to say that with my career where it is today and when I go and perform in tampa he lives still is in tampa i'm certain that it that there are there's awkwardness around him definitely and so and so once you resort to violence and you show everyone oh i i don't use words anymore i this is how i handle things man

you might get respect to some people right the wrong people the wrong people the people you don't want and especially if you're a fucking artist how about how about the whole academy how spineless they are that they give him a standing ovation when he wins the award after doing that like how about no security for rock like how about that we play strip malls on the road yeah we have better security i guess it's you don't know he's gonna go up to hit him you're probably like what's he doing i thought it was a joke like oh he's gonna fuck with him haha that's funny but you gotta stand up for chris rock i know more than just say we condemn this guy who we just gave an award to i'm not saying take the award away but like what how about chris rock well did you see the uh on youtube you can see the uh commercial break and

they're all comforting will smith's like well comfort the guy got hit but he was backstage i'm sure and here's the part we i bet we don't know but we'll probably hear you know they went back to chris right you know i mean look don't sue him don't sue us no no no no i'm sure they went back and they're like what how would you like us to handle this yeah i mean i just know that i've i've had but what's that incidents on set before where i've been the victim of them simple things very simple things and they i mean everyone's like how do you want to stay into this and you're like don't don't fucking yeah yeah i never pressed yeah and so i guarantee they went to chris rock and like how do you want to handle this and he was like he was like he's

like i'm what am i gonna fucking see what's escorted out of the oscars and everyone's gonna be like why did you take away this man's biggest night yeah it's a tough spot but he's gonna sell tickets chris rock that 10 minutes there was a part of me it's like man i wish chris rock kind of zinged him when he on his way back i know you know the part of me i wish he just got like one quick one liner totally but the other part of me is like yeah he'll he'll have a carefully honed 10 minutes about this that's gonna be awesome gonna be so good and it's good to see slapstick comedy again. Alright. What do you call his next tour? Slappy White. Slapper around

the world. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's not bad. Yeah. The Slip Slap, I would think. I can't wait to see him do stand-up. Yeah, this will be in it for sure. Are you excited about Will Smith's next project?

What's that going to be? I heard he's playing Ike Turner. And Chris is going to play Tina. Going to recreate that Fresh Prince drag thing. You send the hits, bitch. Yeah, it's weird. I think about it a lot. I think about how much used to be settled with a duel.

That used to be so, like, you disrespected someone's family they'd be like I'm gonna hit you right I'm gonna I'm gonna shoot you yeah that's true we've become more civilized we have violence was so much more acceptable when I was a kid yeah definitely it was to morons let me say so I remember I hit someone i punched someone in uh the day before ninth grade and i and i went home believing my dad was going to put me on his shoulders and march me around the house because he had a badass son and by the time i got home hit that guy's dad had called my dad they're both lawyers called my dad and said your son punched my son. I'm just letting you know. And my dad was fucking livid. Really?

He was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? That's a good dad, though. He's like, you think you're a tough guy? He's like, no. He goes, I'm worried because you're about to go to high school. You think you're the tough guy? You think you're a fucking badass? Like, he goes, you're not.

Don't ever fucking punch someone. You never fucking hit someone. If you have a problem with them, you speak to i was like okay okay the next day i go to high school a dude i'd grown up with my whole life who was six six got beaten up by a dude who was five six the guy pulled a chair up and punched him he pulled up a chair stood on the chair and punched i swear to god i swear to god it was peter dinklage. First day of Jesuit high school, and I realized I'm not a tough guy. Next week, in the shower,

dude breaks a guy's nose, and I'm like, I'm not tough at all. I'm not fucking tough at all. Yeah, that shit changes you. Next week, he stepped on a stool and raped him. It's terrible. That shit changes you, and it's not fun, and oh, shit, I had a point.

Oh, fuck. Oh, nowadays nowadays you go to a bar and you try to do that shit and you don't know who knows mma and all that shit it's so popular now the jujitsu and all that fucking shit what a great way to find out chris rock's been training he just pulls guard like gets on his back come on get, get on me. He's in a weird naked choke. You just see Will Smith like, ah! He puts Will Smith in an omoplata. I'll tell you what, man. It made things interesting again. The Oscars were boring.

Did anyone get excited for the Oscars this year? No. NewsFest, I will be watching next year! It's gonna be fun next year when they present with Jake Paul next to him. You never know. Just in case something goes down. Say what you want about Jake Paul. He's made life interesting.

Yeah, he's a rabble rouser. I understand people don't like the guy. I enjoy the guy. I enjoy him and his brother. I don't get the hate. They put the razzle dazzle back in life. Yeah, they're just shit starters. Let's get it going. Yeah, I wish he would fight real fighters. He does. I know, but that first guy, Ben Askren, is a real fighter.

But you saw him box, and I was like, this is fucking crazy. You got to start at the bottom. You got to work your way up. He fought, what's his face? The black guy. He's clearly a tough guy. Tyrone Biggs. No, that's Chappelle.

Oh. Yeah. Wow. Wow. I hope he did not fight Tyrone Biggsby. That would not be a tough guy. Tyrone Biggs. No, that's Chappelle. Oh. Yeah. Wow. Wow. I hope we do not fight Tyrone Biggsby. That would not be a fair match. Woodley. Tyrone Biggsby.

Although, does Will Smith do that shit to Chappelle, by the way? Interesting. Chappelle's a big dude. Hold on. Is he? He's bigger. Hold on. Hold on.

He's working out. I mean, here's the thing. And I'm just saying this for real. And I don't mean this as a slight to Chappelle at all because it's not but like Chappelle's one of us he's not a tough guy I mean like he didn't grow up in the streets like he's not

Mike Epps I don't mean this disrespect he's just one like Mike Epps is a comic but he's this is coming out wrong but he's also a different type of dude. I know what you mean. Right? Kevin Hart and Dave Chappelle, they're one of us.

Like, meaning, like, they're just comics. They're skinny guys. They're just comics. They're just comics. Yeah. They were never the tough guy or the cool guy or the badass guy. They were just, like, the underdog who came up, busted his ass, and they're talented, and that's it.

I mean, I think, I mean, I mean, I think Kevin Hart probably experienced more toughness in his life. Kevin Hart grew up in a bad area, but he had a great mom, right? His dad was addicted to drugs. Great mom. Big brother. So he probably saw some stuff. But when I think of Dave Chappelle and I think of Chris Rock, I think they're kind of the same type of guy.

The same kind of guy as I am. I might look like I could beat someone up, but I can't. I'm Chris Rock. When he got slapped, I'm Chris Rock, I think they're kind of the same type of guy. The same kind of guy as I am. I might look like I could beat someone up, but I can't. I'm Chris Rock. When he got slapped, I'm Chris Rock, right? Dave, I mean, I just don't, I don't know if he does it to Dave Chappelle because I don't know if he does, but like, look, the skinny Dave Chappelle is who he's been his whole life. Yeah, that's who he is inside.

That's who he is inside, inside. And I hope that comes out right, right? I'm not like. No, no, I get it. Yeah, like. He's got huge arms. He's got fucking massive arms. It's impressive. You see him in a suit now and you're like, you look like John Cena in that suit.

You don't look like... I want that for my next special. Look at that. I want that for my next special. I just want fucking jacked arms. No. No fat? They say it makes you less funny. Jacked arms? Yeah. I don't think so. Guys, that's the fucking best joke I've ever heard in my entire life. Kick her in the pussy. That the fucking best joke i've ever heard in my entire life kicker in the pussy that's my favorite joke i've ever heard in my entire life that is my

favorite joke that and david david david tells uh is it just me or does an owl look like an attorney for a parrot that's a great joke fucking great kicker in the pussy by the way dave spell's basically shirtless there look out look out ripped that's a shoulder are huge his arms are fucking jack hold on yeah you're right now that i think about that does he do it dave chappelle no dave's height right dave chappelle six one six foot right six yeah yeah he's fucking probably 225 and he would have flicked his cigarette right on will smith oh he would have oh yeah because you know he'd be smoking and chappelle but yeah but chappelle would have had yellow

glasses on that could fuck you up yeah it could fuck you up interesting look at how big they do but this is crazy this is like if you type in um burt kreischer in shape and then it is crazy that the news was ukraine every, and now you just turn to any news network, and it's like, a celebrity was slapped. Whoa. That's not real. That's not real. Holy shit, I was about to say.

Look at my arms, though. Is that Dan Bolzerian? Good lord. That's from the movie that we just did. Dude, when does that come out? I don't know. Well, we're going to wait until this whole Ukrainian thing blows upian thing blows over yeah it's a pretty pro-russia it's not it's not even like it's not even it's not pro-russia at all oh it's actually not at all oh all right well

then this might be the time it's produced by putin it's uh putin's a great look uh no i guess i my arms look big in that one picture there you you go. Tank top. That's where my arms. See if anything in my arms were this big. Jeez, dude. Whoa, that's not real. That's photoshopped. Yeah, of course. You don't photoshop yourself and make your dick big? No.

I didn't know we had that option. Who do I send this to? It's a horrible idea to send a picture of my dick to someone and go, who do I send this to? And they're like, I'll send it to us. It won't get leaked. I've seen the dick. You guys need to drink up because I'm finishing this one

and I feel perfect. Tell me we're not close to done. Are we? No, no, no. Okay, good, good. We're hanging, dude. Yeah, the movie. That's exciting.

Did you ever think you'd get to, because you were a road dog for a while. For a while? That's where we met. 20 years? I remember you texting me years ago, I'm working burke kreischer and i went who and he's a drunk guy i said a tell he said no no not as funny but you have photos of you guys shirtless together i was like oh wow this looks like fun yeah i was i am a i am a road dog i'm a road dog to this day i i

mean i live on the road i like it i mean look i love having a family and i love spending time with them and but for the most part i mean my obsession and i'm pretty clear about this i think any podcast i do all i talk about is comedy yeah i fucking found the thing i love and i love doing it and saying i love writing it i love working with it i love being around people that that's all they give a fuck about like i don't i'm with you i got a therapy one time and she's like you need a hobby and i was like oh it's i write jokes and she was like that's your job and i was like well i edit videos and she goes that's your job and i was like what what kind

what does she expect you to say i guess regular people have hobby i guess regular people like go well they have hobbies to fill the hole of having nothing going on yeah what is it going on give me an example of a hobby fishing model airplane ship on a bottle fishing is a big one that's a big one i guess uh or tree rogan's a hobby guy he's a hobby guy but he's not he's a different hobby guy he's an obsessive compulsive hobby right right and he's got a ton of time and a ton of money yeah so like i i took up leather making leather yeah i made a i was like because i was i was like i guess I have a hobby. And she was like, you need something to turn your brain off from work. So I went.

I bought a bunch of leather, and I made a fanny pack. And then halfway through making the fanny pack, I was like – You went from tough to gay real quick. I was like, I bet I could sell these at my show. Oh, now it's back to work. Back to work. I'm going back to work in the second I did. I feel the same way.

I'm like, oh, maybe I'll be this guy. Maybe I'll start doing this. And then I'm like, this is cutting into joke writing time. Remember Joe List learned the mandolin. I was like, I will never do anything like that. That is not for me. It didn't take, by the way. Yeah.

It's a different thing. It's a woman-dolin. But yeah, it didn't take off. I think he's done with that. No, I'm not a hobby guy. I do stand-up, and I'll think about stand-up, and I'll think about it all day long. Golf's a big one, too.

I can play golf. Are you good at golf? Yeah, but it's because I'm white. Florida. You're white. But I feel like you're a pretty good athlete. Oh, you're good. I'm a surprisingly adept athlete. I can pick up stuff pretty quick,

and I can make people very frustrated. I remember we were doing Go Big Show, I can pick up stuff pretty quick and I can get, I can make people very frustrated who have like, like I remember we were doing go big show and I said, uh, I think I was doing trick shot archery and I said, let me try one. Now there's other things that I've also done a lot of things in life. Like I've tried, I've done just about everything there is to do in life. You know, whether it's fucking skydiving or riding motorcycles or i've done a lot of things and i've obviously shot bow and arrows and so snoop dog was like uh he actually walked off the sex he was like he's gonna shoot us all with an arrow well i was like i was like no snoop i can do this and he was like you can't do this and i was like i can do it and there was south central rosario yeah but arrows i think are different ah good point like

a hipster alec baldwin amish and so here pull can you pull up see if burt kreischer bullseye uh go big show comes up is that it must be fun working with snoop i heard he's awesome he's great i have a good story all right uh is this it no that's you're not gonna find it bullseye huh you know it's not gonna you know we're gonna find that's what's cool about birth though you love activities like you go on the road with them and you're you're throwing an act on the facebook you're you're you're i remember i'm so into the knicks i remember when we did the road years ago we went to we went to a hooters and we watched the knicks game and it was so fucking fun yeah yeah yeah i remember drinking beers eating chicken fingers watching the Knicks game and it was so fucking fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that. We were just drinking beers, eating chicken fingers, watching the Knicks.

It was perfect. No, that's not it. So I have a great Snoop story I want to turn into a bit. I'll tell you the bit. Help me punch it up. All right. Let's do it. Now we're cooking.

All right. So I don't know how much to devolve. Give us the beats. I'll tell you the story. And then I'll tell you the story and then I'll tell you the story. This is a fun thing to do. I did this with a comic one time who had to tell a story and they didn't know

how to tell a story and I said, well, tell me your story and then I'll tell it back to you and so I'll tell you the story, okay? You punch it up and then tell the story back to me or tell me the way you'd tell it, okay?

You're more of a storyteller than we are, by the way. I know, but you guys will find jokes inside that story to tell so you'll tell the story back to me or tell me the way you'd tell it okay you're more of a storyteller than we are by the way i know but you guys will find jokes inside that story to tell so you'll know the story once i tell you the story i'll tell you the way i would tell it right then you punch it up and tell it back to me all right let's see if that works because i did it for the guy the guy was it was not i'm not gonna say too much because i don't want to fucking i don't want to rap you know yeah he did another thing but like he told me a story it was like an hour long i won't do that for you guys i'm shorting it and i told it back to him in five minutes oh and he was like fuck that's a good story and i recorded it all i said what's your story you tell it and he was like okay and he

told it and it murdered he told but he punched it up for himself so um i found out my older daughter had part my oldest daughter had partied uh she drank or whatever and it bummed me out it really bummed me out and snoop's advice i found out i was with snoop dog but maybe not the person you know the person you want to be with when you find out and he said his advice to me was don't be a bitch right so he he so that night I'm going to my trailer and Snoop's going to his trailer. And as I go to get in my trailer, he's like, hey, Bert, you can see that I've been down. He goes, hey, Bert. I said, yeah. And he goes, what are you doing?

I said nothing. He goes, come on over here. Let's take a shower. And I was like, huh? And he goes in and say, come on in. Let's do a shower. Come on. And he goes in his trailer.

I'm like, there's no way I heard that right. Like, maybe it's in my head. I go, it's got to be hip hop slang for something. You know, like, well, you know, there'll be some whores in there and we'll throw money at them and they'll make me feel better. Make it rain. Yeah. So I go over.

His two bodyguards are there. And I was like, boss man invited me over for a shower. And they're like, yeah. I was like, okay. And then he sees're like yeah i was like okay and then he's inside and i was like all right so i walk inside uh and i'm and snoop's in the middle of his trailer he's got his hands a big wingspan he's got his hands on the counter and he's like all right and i was like cool and he goes so uh just bullshit about the day. It's a long day today, right?

I was like, yeah. I was like, are we going to do this? And he was like, yeah, calm down, calm down. I said, I've never done this before. And he's like, are you serious? I said, I'm being dead serious. I've never done this before. And he goes, I call bullshit.

And I go, no, Snoop, for real. And he goes, I did it in high school. Like, I did it in high school when you had to do it. He's like, yeah, we all did it in high school. I go go but i haven't done it in a long i haven't done it since then he's like i don't believe you i said you've done this and he goes yeah not all the time but like i'll do a dre or eminem or someone and i'm like okay so i was like fuck it i was like how do we do we do it at the same time and he was like yeah you always do it at the same time and i was like okay because i thought maybe i'd start and then you come in and then i'd leave and you know first

fine fuck it and so i start walking back to the bathroom in his trailer and he goes where the fuck are you going so i'm going back to the shower and he goes why i said you invited me over here to take a shower with you and he looks at me dead sober and he goes i invited you here to take a shot with me i was like oh okay i'll do that and he goes yeah now i don't want to do a shot with you he goes you came over here to shower with me i was like yeah i'm a big fan he's like hold on hold on you thought i invited you for a shower you came over and you were gonna shower with me and i was like you fucking brought it up and then i was like i was like how about that shot and he's hold on, you thought I invited you for a shower. You came over and you were going to shower with me? And I was like, you fucking brought it up.

And then I was like, how about that shot? And he's like, nah, man, I don't want to do a shot now. I'll see you tomorrow. So it's a good story, right? Good beginning, good ending, middle ending, good ending. Where are the jokes and stuff? Yeah, I think there's something, too, where maybe the next night he's like,

all right, dude, let's go take a bath. Come on. I'm like, you know. Next night, next night. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take a bath. Next night, hey, Bert, want to take a bath? I was like, huh? And he's like, you know. I was taking a bath. Next night, next night. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take a bath. Next night, hey, Bert, want to take a bath? I was like, hon, he's like, just testing. Yeah, there's something, I mean, take a shot.

It would be great if I had a great Snoop Dogg impression. Yeah. Like if I was like, yeah, you know, like, or if I just go, if I was like, so, guys, just so you're, we're very clear like this is where my brain goes to punch it up i go i have a story with stoop dog i would love to do an impression of stoop dog i do a perfect impression but people have said that's racist so instead i'm gonna just it's gonna be a little off and i was like so stoop dog's like hello bro would you like to take a shower john dore is a similar bit to the real. You know what's funny is also,

it's funny if you just like, you're just undressing while he's like getting the booze. Right. It's funny, my shirt was already off but I could take my shirt off

and he wouldn't say a thing in the story. Yes. So I'm like, all right, fuck it. And I take his shirt off and he goes,

oh, there we go. That's the machine. And I'm like, fuck. And then he gets the booze down and you're like, there we go.

Yeah, yeah. You want to do a shot? And I was like, fuck yeah, we he gets the booze down, and you're like, there we go. Yeah, yeah. Best dude. You want to do a shot? And I was like, fuck yeah. We're going to take a shower. And he's like, huh? I thought we were coming here to take a shower.

And he's like, should I just hold the booze frozen? You want a shot? Yeah, that'll get me in the mood. Yeah. Yeah, OK. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, let's do a shot, too. Shot, too.

Right. See, that's how fucking, that's the best thing about being around comics is you can have a real story but then you take it to them and they can just go just move it around move it around right shane torres gave me the best advice one time i love shane i was telling i was telling a story about uh about jumping out of a plane with rachel ray i think and he goes i said i don't know this part i feel like it's missing something and he jumped out of a plane with rachel ray yeah and he goes he goes yeah i know what you're saying i was like what is it missing he goes i don't know maybe some jokes

and i was like oh yeah you're right because what i was doing is true and this is what i do a lot you'll see it if you watch if you're like a legit stand-up fan you can see it very clearly but what i'll do is i will say um in the in the story the guy's like we get to the door and he's like all right we're going in three so i have three opportunities to make jokes but what I'll do is I will say, in the story, the guy's like, we get to the door and he's like, all right, we're going in three. So I have three opportunities to make jokes. But what I'll do when I'm lazy is I'll go, suck my dick. Fuck you. I shit my pants.

Shit my pants. Yeah, whatever my three go-to easy things are. And Shane was like, you should have three jokes. And so one of the jokes was, because we because we strapped into the you know tandem so we strapped yeah background why are you on why are you jumping out of a plane with rachel ray i want to know that uh it was for travel channel so i did rachel ray's show and she was like she on thing was like what's uh what's like one of your big what's one thing has there ever been something the travel channel brought you to that you wouldn't do? And I was a fucking idiot.

I said it. I was like, yeah, jumping out of a plane. She was like, I know what we're doing. Wow. And I was like, what? She was like, I love jumping out of planes. We should do it together. And then you're like, fuck.

You're like, I love blowjobs. Rachel Ray is so fucking cool, man. Really? She is really cool. She is really fucking cool. So we go up to upstate New York and we go to jump out of a plane. Wow. And so she takes me.

I'll tell you up to the Shane part because it's interesting. Shane's insight, and this is why I like being around comics, is sometimes the comic will see it very clearly and you don't. So they give us our dudes and we strap up. I've been told this story in fucking forever. But we strap in and i'm nervous and the guy's like he's like are you nervous and i was like yeah he's like what are you nervous about like seriously and i go oh i don't know that you'll get hard because he's behind me you'll get

hard you'll get hard then i'll get hard you'll get it we'll both get hard and our chute won't open and that's how i'll find us in the in. Just you fucking me to death in the ass. And they're like, God, man, this guy really loves cock. He fucked him into a crater. And so then when you get in the plane, I'm sitting in the dude's lap, which is the most emasculating way to jump out of a plane. Just sitting in the dude's lap.

And then we get up to the thing. It's always worse if he's holding you like this. Yeah, yeah, he's kissing your earlobe. I'm shaking. Now he's really getting hard. And so we get up to the thing. We get to the window and I'm fucking this up to the thing we get to the window and I'm fucking this up totally but we get to the thing and I instinctually just hold on to the

door and he goes let go and I went no and he's like we're going in three my old thing was suck my dick we're going in two fuck you we're going in one and so Shane's like there's room for jokes so I changed it right before the special I went I grab my thing and he's like we're going in three jokes. So I changed it right before the special. I went, I grabbed my thing.

It was like, we're going in three. I was like, wait, I'm not hard yet. And he's like, we're going in two. I was like, are you hard? And you just put right real jokes in there. And then the truth is, he said, oh my God, what's wrong with your straps? And I looked down and that's how he got my hands loose. And we fucking went.

And I thought I was fucking dead. Holy dead holy how high up are you in the air uh 15 000 feet oh my god what does that feel like it's fascinating it is it is a feeling i have never felt ever ever since or or before that you are you are acutely aware that the dice have been rolled. That if you're going to die, you can't change it. Like you really can't change it. And you realize my chute is either going to open or it's not going to open. Either way, I can't fix that.

And that's why I would say anyone who's afraid of jumping out of planes, they're the ones that appreciate it the most. Interesting. The fucking dead inside people are like, yeah, put this on my Instagram. They're the ones that appreciate it the most interesting fucking dead inside people are like yeah put this on my instagram they're never gonna appreciate it when you have a fear of death jumping out of a plane brings that to a fine point and you are sitting there going looking at the earth going mother fucker and when that chute opens i always said i always said i didn't put this in the joke but I was like that's a great time for product placement as that shoot opens a brand should buy that noise that and then this was

brought to you by diet pepsi yeah because you will never forget that moment that is the greatest feeling in the world to know your life like to I started sobbing crying yeah and then and I think I put in this a bit but I I started crying so bad that the guys were landing. It's like, hey, man, clean yourself up. They're going to think I did something to you. And I was like wiping it up. And then I landed. It's a weird time for him to get hard.

He's like, sorry, this is what I'm into. Have you jumped? Have you ever done it? God, no. I'm terrified. So this could be a Patreon. When I was in sixth grade, I was walking down the street to get on the bus, and a woman jumped out of a building and went splat right in front of me.

Shut up. So I'm like, I don't like heights. What? You never told me this. Yeah. Hold on. How old are you? Let's backpedal.

12. Start this at the beginning. I was just walking to get on the bus. What? Where are you? 62nd, and I want to say like Lex or Madison maybe I was I was residential

yeah and she jumped her she jumped to her death and it was like it was like splat I didn't take my metro card out I'm dead she would have killed me if I didn't stop to get my card out splat so yeah I don't like heights i

didn't mean to make this such a sobering no this is banana holy shit these moments so i'm at captain bryans right oh stop bragging we're in sync captain bryans you ever play you ever play there and stay at the at the condo he had that was like a near – so he used to have a condo and it was a walk to a Starbucks. By the way, people listening, this is in Naples, Florida. So you've heard me shit on this before. One of the big hell gigs in America. Oh, I used to love it. And so I go one day and I go to Starbucks and it's –

I want to say it's around New Year's Eve. But I go to Starbucks and and i go in i get my iced coffee and i remember taking a piss and as i walked out of starbucks my glasses fogged over because it was cold there and hot outside and so i stop and i take my glasses off and i go to clean them and i hear a huge like a boom like a like a transformer exploded or lightning and i look around and i'm like what the fuck was that and a um french guy is walking to go into the starbucks he goes you sir are a very lucky man and i said i know i thought he was saying in real life i was like i know i'm the luckiest guy in the world i'm doing captain bryan's yeah killed it he walks past me

and i kind of watch him and as i turn a palm tree had collapsed behind me and landed the the big palm from like a fucking 150 pound palm from had landed on the ground behind me and hit the ground behind me and almost hit me in the head and that that near-death experience we go fuck man had i stopped yeah a second earlier that metro card feeling it's crazy if i hadn't got my metro card she would have landed on me yeah i remember i called a friend to tell him what happened to me and he'd one of those moms that like she just couldn't stop talking if you call it big hey i, hey, is my friend there? And she was like, well, he's not here right now, but here's what happened.

She talked for, like, 15 minutes. Jesus. And then she's like, how was your day? I was like, I just saw someone die. She's like, oh, all right. He'll be back later. I was like, that's it? That's it.

Come on, lady. Did you stick around? I stuck for, like, a minute. I remember I had another friend there with his mom and he uh and she like kind of grabbed us away and then uh someone ran over to her and put a blanket on her so she was still alive she wasn't completely dead she's an old lady what was the noises it was like you you're it's like you talk about your brain protecting you it's kind of like you think you're like oh i've just just stumbled onto some film set or something.

This isn't real. Oh, right. So it's like splat. And then you're like, well, this is a stunt person. But then you're like, well, of course that's not what happened. It would be blocked off. But I remember someone went over with a – they found a blanket somewhere and put it on her. But she was – I mean, she was dead.

She was going to die. Crazy. Old lady. Old lady. Suicide. Yeah, it's weird to go at that age. You don't see a lot of old suicide. Yeah.

Maybe it's just like, I'm done with life. Selfish way to do it. Yeah, right? Overdose or shoot yourself. Now we got to scoop your ass up. Well, you could have killed someone. And that. That's what I was thinking.

That's a really selfish way. I didn't think about that. A crowded residential street. Unless that's your that's your your payback you want them to know right you guys pissed me off i hate you my family ruined me clean me up either that or she was skydiving with rachel ray and she just went splat i don't know i met a guy whose shoe didn't open one time what and he lived and he lived i went to his house and in wisconsin it had rained the day before and the ground was soft was really soft wow and he bounced and he was like

yeah he goes i broke some bones and stuff but i lived wow they do you see that documentary the bridge we've talked about this before but they said everyone who jumped and lived regretted it the moment they let go of the banister. Wow. Bam. You heard the Seth MacFarlane story. He was supposed to be on 9-11. I know, yeah.

Oh, I did hear that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he got drunk the night before, was hungover, missed his flight, and he was racing to the airport. He's yelling at the cabbie, you got to get me to the airport, and he missed it, and then boom. Yeah, and then he said at the airport, the guy, like, it's like the most sobering moment, the guy hands him a scotch, it was like it's on me yes saw what happened and now we have ted but he gets to the airport he gets to the airport but he's at the airport bar he just missed a

flight and he ordered a scotch and the guy was like of course it's on me you know because because they knew that 9-11 had already happened yeah i mean if the terrorists attack, we'd all drink for free is what I'm trying to say. Wait, have you had any? You guys need to drink up. Come on. I'm on third. Oh, you are? I'm on the third.

Wait, have you had any near-life? I love near-death experiences. Well, Seth MacFarlane, man, that's a crazy one. Also, of course, the famous Mark Wahlberg story where he said he would have stopped the terrorists. And then he beat up the Asian kid. It was an old Asian. It was an Asian old man. No, it was an old man? That's what I'm saying. It was like, Will Smith is going to be fine.

Mark Wahlberg came back from that. He blinded an old Asian man. You didn't see it. That's true. Yeah. Damn. I actually got accepted to virginia tech the year that no i've i've had a lot of close calls with life where i go like like oh that could have ended like just an inch the other way and it could have ended poorly yeah we were like like i remember one time when they when the girls were babies we had had a stroller, and Leanne leaned down

to get something out of the stroller, and as she turned, she stuck her head in the street on Wilshire, and a car flew by inches from her head. And her hair blew, and she's like, what was that? And I go, it was a fucking car. And I was like, I remember thinking, I think think this a lot and i wonder if this is a comics brain or just a a broken anxiety brain as i go well what if i had done like if her head exploded right there what would i've your life would be completely different now yeah would i would i what i she said do i leave her there and then get the girls home do i keep the girls there with the

dead body like i think georgia at one time she time, she broke her jaw, broke all her teeth out. She's a baby. And they couldn't find her. Georgia and I just talked about this the other day too. What happened? She fell? She fell. She had Crocs on.

She fell. Yeah. No, I was on the road. I was on the road. I was on the road. I was on the road. I was on the road. Georgia fell, broke her teeth.

Leanne called me and told me, I'm on the road with the Jameson Comedy Tour. I had to do my set. I had to get home. Billy Gardell gives me best advice. Best advice ever. Was he on the tour with you? He was on the tour with me, and he goes,

buddy, there's two ways you can do this, the good way and the bad way. I know you're feeling a lot of shit. You go to your room, no drinks, and you go to bed. The other way, you drink through the night until you get your flight. If you do the second one, I'll do it with you. Wow. I was like, let's pick number two.

Me and Billy stayed up all night. We drank. I cried. I was fucking crying aggressively. He's a good dude, right? He's the best. He's the fucking best. I heard he's a killer, too.

A monster on stage. And a great actor. And an amazing actor. Yeah. So we get on the plane and go home. I'll tell you the whole story because I feel like you haven't heard it, and it's a pretty good story. I've never heard it. And so we go home.

Leanne says, I need you to be a dad right now. So I understand you've gotten a lot of feelings, but you've got to take a Xanax or something to calm the fuck down because you need to be there for Georgia. So I take a Xanax annex and we take her to the doctor, very expensive doctor in Beverly Hills and they let us know they're going to have to put her under that's what was making me really upset is they had to put her under and putting children under

is kind of dangerous at times and so we bring her in, it's 6 in the morning we're before anyone, they bring us in before anyone and we take her in and they can't find a vein in her arm and so they like they're poking or they're stabbing her now she's hysterical she has no teeth her jaw is broken she's in a ton of fucking pain they can't find the vein and um and they pull me aside and they say uh we're gonna need to give her gas. But she's so hysterically crying right now that we're afraid that if we give her, she might breathe unevenly or she may hold her breath and then breathe.

And we can't have that. We need her to breathe very calmly. And so it would be better if you came down and you just kind of very gently told her it's okay and you put the mask on her. And I was like, like my head i remember my first thought was if she dies do we bring the body home like that was my first thought how old is she four okay three three or four and so she can talk she can talk oh boy and so um and i knew her like that was the other thing that these are the weird thoughts that I think. I go, well, does everyone think this or just comics?

Like, I knew her. Like, I knew her pretty well. Yeah. Like, I'd known her for four years. Like, you lost someone and you go, I knew them for four years. Yeah. But she was my kid. So, I go with the mask.

I told her this. We were joking. We went on a hike right before, the day before I left. And I told her this joke that I kept thinking was i was like i said to her um so they gave us some sweet gas that's gonna it's gonna it's gonna relax you and it's gonna be so you can't feel your teeth anymore and she said is it safe daddy and i said it's very safe the joke i wrote was that i was like watch and i said but i said it's very safe it's gonna be totally fine and i said listen watch and then i i put it

near my face i said it's totally fine george are you gonna be fine baby here just smell it and she went in and she went i said did you smell it she goes i can't smell anything i smell a little more and then i put it over her face and she went to sleep and they're like great job daddy i mean immediately yeah immediately that's why i say if you don't know if you don't want to have kids just don't you got to really want them because you have moments like this where your vulnerability shows up you're like fuck did i just kill my you ever nervous though were you ever like shit i'm having okay i mean you have multiple i didn't think it through i didn't think it through i was just like

yeah that's what you do all right so most people Yeah. So then this is the good part of the story, right? Yeah. So I fucking sobbing, crying. I go into the bathroom. I'm crying so hard. I'm trying to get my shit together. I then go into the lobby. They've opened up this dentist's office now. It's like 630 and the dentist's office is open. And in the waiting room is like a kid and his father.

And the kid sees me crying and looks at his dad like, you said it wasn't going to be that bad, right? There's a black woman there with a bigger black dude and she's trying to calm me down because I'm crying so aggressively. She's trying to calm me down. She's trying to make eye contact with me, but I am just, I don't know if you've ever cried where you just don't see anything, right?

So 10 minutes goes by. I've been crying in front of these people for 10 minutes. That's a long time to cry. Leanne's next to me. She's crying. They come out and they're like, your daughter's okay. She's awake. And everyone applauds, right?

And so I go back. We receive her. We take Georgia. Sit down in a little private receiving room. It was a very expensive dentist in Beverly Hills. In a private receiving room with a curtain and a leather couch. And I look at George. She has gauze all in her mouth.

But they're like, she's fine. She's still asleep. But she's fine. Okay. So we're just going to let her sleep here. And she'll wake up in a little bit. But she'll be fine. And they're like, you did a great job.

And I was like, thanks. So we close the curtain. And I look at Leanne. And I'm like, and the curtain opens. It's the black chick. She puts her hand on my shoulder and goes, it's tough being a daddy. And I immediately recognize her voice. I turn around.

It's Whitney Houston. Whoa. What the fuck? Get out of here. I swear to you, on my child's life. Come on. On my child's fucking life. She goes, it's tough being a daddy, isn't it?

And I went, Leanne. I remember when she said that I looked at Leanne and Leanne had Georgia and Leanne went. She sat down with Leanne. She was playing with Georgia's hair. She was a tough little girl today. I mean, I'm still crying. Leanne's like, oh my God.

And she sat with us for like fucking 10 minutes and talked to us about being a parent and how hard it is, how the commitment is. And then we hear, Miss Houston, we're ready for you. We go back. The anesthesiologist was there. She had gotten the anesthesiologist. The reason we got the anesthesiologist is because she had the anesthesiologist to do her teeth.

And then the guy's like, I remember this. I wish this was funnier. But he was like, so, Whitney, where's Kevin Costner these days? And I just heard her go, put me to sleep. Wow. So we go out to pay, and they're like, Miss Houston's covered the anesthesiologist bill. Whoa. She covered everything.

And we're like, fucking shut up. We were broke. We had no money. Yeah. I was like, my God. And then the best part of this story as a comic, the day she dies, Segura calls me. He's the first person. He goes, Whitney Houston died.

I went, what? And he goes, dude, you can say whatever you want in that story now. So that night I told the story and I was like, she was like, it's tough being a daddy. Oh my God, you're Burt Kreischer. And I was like, you know me? She's like, I'm a biggest fan. Me and Bobby watch all of Hurt Burt. I'm a biggest fan.

Me and Bobby watch all of Hurt Burt. I remember when she died, I was featuring at SideSplitters in Knoxville, Tennessee. Oh, no longer here. Don't forget Spanky Brown, who passed away. Great guy. And I remember that night, he's on stage when it happens. I'm watching the Knicks-Lakers game because Jeremy Lin had the 38 on the Lakers, like the biggest game ever.

So I just remember this tweet. Someone tweeted, oh, my God, Whitney Houston's dead. That's Lin-sane. Like, holy shit. What if Will Smith had spanked Chris Rock? I was just thinking that. He should be hired to slap babies when they come out of the vagina. It's a good gig.

Yeah, I was on my way. It's funny. You were there. You were a good gig. I was on my way. It's funny. You were there. You were in Knoxville. I was driving to the Bray Improv. Damn. I'll be there next month. Do you remember where you were when Princess Diana died? I do. Where? I was at my friend Phil's house in New Orleans and we were watching SNL and it, you know,

emergency announcement. What year was that? It was 1997. I i mean i was 11 no it was 1997 i graduated college i had moved to new york to do stand-up uh and i was in atlanta my girlfriend was a flight attendant i was in atlanta at andy sheftall's house and we were about to go out and they're like princess diana died damn and we were like shut the fuck up, the funniest version of these type of things, like that's the funny part. Obviously, I don't give a fuck about realness. Like I want the funniest. We were talking about losing our virginities. And we were on Cowhead's Cruise and we were like, what song did you lose your virginity to?

What song identifies that? It was like, for me, the song I listened to after I lost my virginity, you get in the car and you're like, I did it. Yeah. It was Colors by Ice-T. Colors. I am a nightmare. And I was like, I'll be punishing pussy.

Whatever. My buddy Pete Lario says, I got the worst one. I was like, really? Because that's an Intel joke. I lost my virginity song. I can still feel her beard that's the best joke it tells the king it's like crazy like it's like it was the monster i was walking through the graveyard monster smash i love shit like that yeah i remember i fucked a an older lady in new orleans in on bourbon street after i lost virginity i felt weird about it and i remember looking at

the tv and there's a disneyland commercial on and the tv was just in the dark glowing disneyland and it was too much couldn't take it it was too much old lady bourbon y2k was happening disneyland i thought about my parents my childhood it was all over you're a man now. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you're a man now. That's fucking. My innocence is gone. And this Disneyland commercial was just showing me like, oh, shit. I can't smell the perfume Colors by Benetton. Is it Colors?

No. Is it Benetton Colors perfume? Pulling it up. Is it? Because I'm saying Colors because of emma night mere colors colors by benetton that's so funny i listened to colors and the girl i lost my virginity to wore this wore benetton colors that's so crazy was she black no oh that would have been a perfect get the color yeah yeah it would be the trifecta.

Yes. But I remember if I smell the smell of colors, it takes me back to that night of just horrific performance. Oh, same. And it gives me an anxiety attack immediately. If I smell colors by Benetton, I get an anxiety attack. Scent is the biggest sense tied to memory. Really?

Oh, yeah. You can smell something like cinnamon rolls, and you're like, my mom made those when I was five. Brings you right back. The joke I wrote, and I didn't say it out loud, but when we got in the Uber,

I wanted to go, hey, guys, if anyone didn't put on cologne, luckily he put on enough for all of us. Did you smell that fucking car? I couldn't. No, it was in the back. Oh, my God.

It was fucking so much cologne. That's rough. That is like you you feel trapped do they not smell themselves i don't think so i think they don't i think it's a lot of them they're working crazy hours so they just don't they forget to shower and then they try to it's like the french uh showers they call it so they're dirty people if you had to guess the dirtiest country around, if you said- What if I just said it immediately? I was like Albanians, obviously not. I was talking about Albanians in my new special.

Oh, geez. Be careful. Really? They'll get you. They're the scariest. Really? I think they're the toughest people. I mean, John Belushi.

Oh, John Belushi. John Belushi. He was Albanian. Dua Lipa. Oh, really? It's an innocuous joke, but we were in Serbia, and Serbians and Albanians don't get along. India. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Wait, this is something someone studied. I think they shit in the street over there. Hold on one second. India is number one, two, three, and four? It's a population thing. Yeah, there's a billion of them. Wait, hold on. India's the population thing. Yeah, there's a billion of them. Wait, hold on.

India is in the top seven. It's nine of the top ten. And 11. And 11. And then it's Pakistan. And then back to India. Then to Uganda. Back to India.

Wait, what did you type in? This can't be the right thing. Well, perhaps the Cameroons were sneaking in there. Oh, bloated. Okay. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, man.

This changes every Uber ride. There's something kind of scummy about cologne. I don't know why, but there's something like, I remember Letterman digs someone. I forgot who it was. He goes, you're the type of guy who wears too much cologne. I was like, ooh. There's something that's like, man, you don't want to be that dude. I don't do it.

No. Dimitri had that great joke. I don't know if it's great, but he's like, you ever notice cologne rhymes with alone that's a fun little tag i can't meet you doing these days he's on the road he's fucking hilarious he's funny he doesn't get his due for the joke he does not he does not he's so fucking funny he was the guy that did stand up we did stand up on the first night together our first oh yeah and he he was the standout guess who's going to be a star funniest guy. Like his first set, his jokes were bananas. Brilliant stuff.

I mean, his first set, I can remember a lot of his first set. His first set included, I'm afraid of German shepherds, not the dogs, just German men with sheep. I tripped and fell down an up escal escalator i fell for seven and a half minutes yes these were all opening these were his first time doing stand-up his half hour on comedy central was like one of the ones that kept replaying yeah classic that's right he is so fucking fun i've been spoken to him since isn't that crazy he has those jokes that make your brain go like oh shit like he has a i don't know the punch line but i remember the setup was i feel bad because uh tree houses you make the the alive tree hold a dead tree.

And I remember being like, who thinks of that shit? Where do you come up with that? His brain was so different. We were friends for my first year of doing comedy. And I would go to his house, he the way his brain operated he was like so today i'm writing you know i have jokes and then i'm writing 10 ideas for games i have a friend that works over at hasbro so i'm submitting games to him i wrote 10 algorithms or puns or arithmetic word things like yeah he just enjoyed the he enjoys the the math of it the palindromes

and all that shit he has the world he has a record for the world's largest palindrome. There you go. He should be in a museum. He would have an easel on stage. It would be like a whole... But it wasn't annoying for some... A lot of comics were doing it. It was annoying.

It was clever. I saw a guy with a leather jacket. I thought, that guy is cool. I saw a guy with a leather vest. I thought, that guy is not cool. So I figured out leather sleeves are cool yeah it's like i saw a dalmatian walk by a cow and he must think damn you let yourself go clever shit he thought it was great too like his i never saw that he went for the movie he's a great actor I'm saying was

he's still a great actor I think it got resold a bunch of times the movie became Moneyball but I think he was originally supposed to do Jonah Hill's part Jonah Hill's

it's hard to sell me on anyone other than Jonah Hill Jonah Hill's amazing Jonah Hill's so fucking good yeah and Moneyball is an amazing movie great movie

here's the thing with Dimitri and this is like i remember being jealous not jealous like jealous jealous but like he immediately was working yeah immediately he had done stand-up for less than a month and people like hey man can i get you on my show and i remember being like i guess i'm not good because like that didn't happen to me and I was like I don't know and I could not figure out how to write a fucking joke like I remember I was like this is horrific but like one of the jokes I wrote was uh because I wanted to write like Dimitri it was like it was clear that that was a joke and that you were good yeah you write like that and I was like what do you think oh this is so oh here we like, what do you think? Oh, this is so bad. Oh, here we go, baby.

What do you think Papa Smurf's middle name is? I hope it's not Boner. Papa Boner Smurf. All right, I got to get out of here. Yeah. You just hear a gunshot in the next room. But I remember I could not write jokes, like joke jokes. Did you tell that to Whitney Houston?

Papa Boner. She's like, I'm going to take a bath. I saw the sequel to Steel Magnolias, Give Magnolias Back. Dude, I was so bad. I was so bad. You got to start somewhere. But I remember writing all these. I think about how many bad jokes you have to write to get to a good one.

It's like, you know, you have to. Well, I mean. Seinfeld says every joke is a miracle. And there's something to that because jokes are so hard to write because you have to trick people's brain. So there's something to that about like, not all jokes are great, but a great joke is like, it's like a magic trick. It makes you happy yeah and if they were so easy to make then it wouldn't make you that happy exactly yes synapses have to fire it's a whole thing going on it's crazy that that that's i remember

being in uh i remember being in um scotland with patrice and him breaking down comedy what were you doing in sc? We were doing the Edinburgh Festival. Were you there for a whole month? Yeah, I was there for a month with Patrice and Rich Voss. Whoa! What a crew! Yeah, living in a house. I'd been doing stand-up a year. He loved Europe. He loved going over there.

He always said in Europe, I wasn't a fat black guy. I was just a fat guy. Why'd you go so soon into comedy? Because, I don't know to be honest with you. Because didn't you have to do an hour? No, no, no, no. All we had to do was like, so there was this guy named Louis Schaefer who did, whose wife or wife. Why do I know that name?

He used to run the Boston Comedy Club. He used to be the host. He put together a show a a show of new york style comedy so it was new york comedy in edinburgh so they come in they see vos me and patrice and i don't i really don't know how i got picked to be honest with you um i had a deal with will smith i think maybe lewis was trying to make like be like you know he's working over over Smith. I think maybe Lewis was trying to be like, he's working over Brooke. And so maybe that was it. Even then you had a deal with Will Smith?

I had a deal with Will Smith six months into doing comedy. What? Oh, my God. So as much as I just piss and moan about how quick Demetri took off, it happened for me that way too. But that was back in the days when you could get – if you got a deal or a commercial, all of a sudden you were fucking like legit. I remember Geraldo pulled me aside and he was like, hey man, people are going to hate your guts because you got a deal so quick. He was like, don't tell them how much money it's worth.

I was like, I already told Patrice. Yeah. Which was the big, Patrice guessed it. Yeah. And he was like, and he goes, introduce yourself to Esty. Tell her you have a deal in Hollywood. She should know that. And Bert told me the same thing.

He was like, go over. You need to tell Esty and them that you have a deal in hollywood she should know that and bert told me the same thing he's like go over uh they uh you need to tell esty and them that you have a deal in hollywood they don't know this is a comedy seller booker for people listening right um i talked to manny and esty and so i i but i didn't because i was working the door paulston but we went over for a month and i remember watching british comics and not getting it and and it was like it was like they were doing things that the words made sense but it didn't make me laugh uh-huh like you know it didn't have the the the the pop that american comedy had yes and patrice and i sat in a theater and we watched a very very very talented comedian ed burn ed burns his name irish guy and his big joke at the time was um i was shopping for mattresses with my girlfriend and the woman showed us one mattress and i said well that could sleep three and that's

all me said and the place goes fucking nuts and patrice and i were like i don't get it and then voss is like i think he's saying that they could have another invite another girl in the bedroom and we're like okay and patrice and then patrice just started breaking down everything we go watched we watched uh greg proops yeah do stand up and greg proops was fucking magical we sat in the back and watched greg proops and but patrice was like analytical about it like he'd he'd pick it apart like kind of like a chef going like that's tarragon you know and so and so he'd be like and i remember we watched russell peters oh wow and patrice was like man and i don't look i don't memories are memories so i don't know how accurate this is you know but i remember

patrice going this guy's going to make it. Yeah. I was like, really? And he goes, he's got the hustle, man. He's got the same shit Dane has. Wow. That same shit Dane has, he's got. Russell Peters was like a fucking gangster, man.

We saw Ali G, the. Yeah. He dressed up in the outfit. Wow. Whoa. And Patrice was offended by it. He was like, looked at it like, the fuck is this guy doing? Because he was like, hey, bruv. Like, you know. Yeah, yeah. He was doing, he was offended by it. He looked at it like, what the fuck is this guy doing? Because he was like, hey, bruv.

He was in the street. He was like, they would go up there and bark. By the way, my memory is so fucking bad. You've got to see if Ali G was at. See if you can find me and Patrice in Boston. Because my memory is so bad that I go. You think there would be a picture online of this? Yeah, of course.

See if you can find Edinburgh 1999. Oh, boy. Pre-911 comedy. Yeah. This is a different time. I am. That's crazy. And Ali and, uh, what's his name? What's his real name? Sasha Baron Cohen

was still getting started. Wow. I fucked up my digital footprint, guys. You're never going to find anything. By the way, that's a picture of me about to get canceled. Where? With the fucking Tomahawk spear in my arm. Leading 10,000 people in a fucking chant.

It was worth it. Put in Patrice O'Neill. But Patrice is a comedy just meticulous weirdo. He was on Tough Crowd once, and he's like, I used to say N-word in a car, and I'd change it to N-word in a Buick, and it would get a laugh. Pontiac.

Was it Pontiac? Yeah. Oh, sorry. I remember that joke. Either way, the K sound is always the Pontiac. It's fun, and specific. It's funnier than car. He came up, so we were doing a rehearsal set.

We were going to tape it and send it to N-word to see if we could get it accepted. And I had all my jokes on a little cheat sheet. And I was looking at them before my set. And Patrice just came up and grabbed it and ripped it up. And he goes, nope. Wow. And I went, what?

And he goes, you're not that comic. And I was like, what do you mean? And he's like, you're the comic that just says it. Just go up and say it. You know what the fuck you're going to say. And if you can't figure it out, just talk. How cool is it that he did that in an encouraging way? Like some guys will do that in a way like they're hazing you but he's doing that to encourage let me tell you all my patrice encouragements okay please so that's

one uh another one i'm getting ready to go on stage i still do this from time to time i say a prayer and he says uh if i ever see you praying that you don't eat a dick on stage again i'm gonna slap you in the fucking face so another one uh patrice we're leaving m bro i said i'm really glad that we got to spend this time together i feel like you know it's nice to make a new friend and he goes i'm not your friend what he goes i'm not your friend but we work together we work together we're two dudes who work together that don't mind each other we're not we're not friends like don't say i got friends and you got friends, and we're not that.

We're just two dudes that we got to work, we got a job together, and we're like, you know what I mean? So I was like, I don't really. And then he goes, oh, don't get feelings about this. Don't get sad. I'm just being real. He goes, let me ask you a question. I'm flying to Tampa next week.

Can your mom pick me up at the airport? I was like, no. That's what friends do that. And I was like, Tampa next week. Can your mom pick me up at the airport? I was like, no. That's what friends do that. Interesting. So then he does. He couldn't help but be so real. He sat me through and listened. We watched Enter the Dragon.

All we did one day was watch, on our days off, we'd watch Bruce Lee movies. And he would play Mobb Deep and Jay-Z and explain the lyrics to me. Damn. He's like, Bert, this is some pimp shit. Beep, beep. And I'm picking her up. Let her play with the dick in the truck. He's not getting out of his car.

And he's letting her know that on the ride there, you can play with my dick a little bit. That's pimp shit, Bert. And I mean, and then, and then, so did i was dating a girl that had i had a uh uh cerebral cerebral palsy and she came over and she was aggressive she was exhausting and she hated patrice fucking hated a lot of people did patrice hated her fucking hated her the first day they met she went out she had her right her right arm was the thing, cerebral palsied. And she went and stuck out her left hand. And he goes, bitch, you ain't the queen.

Give me the other arm. And he's like, what's wrong with that arm? And she was like, I mean, that's who Patrice was. Yeah, yeah. I heard some story where there was a bunch of girls at the comedy cellar, and they were really pretty, like models. And one of them had a mole on her forehead. And he just went, walked up, didn't say hello just goes what's that and touched it and

he was they were like eating out of his hand after like four minutes because he found the insecurity and he honed in he uh that girl stayed in uh in edinburgh in my room she stayed in my room for like four days and and patrice hated her hated her so they cut to Patrice does a Showtime special he does a Showtime special with Gary Goldman a guy named guy named who Steve Brewer

right what Steve Brewer he's Jim's brother who's actually Provax he was like a edgy fucking comic who had done warm up and his warm up was, he was like an edgy fucking comic who had done warm-up, and his warm-up was so good, they booked him as the fucking comic.

I don't know this guy. I don't know. Gary Goldman, Todd Glass, I think. I don't know. They all did a special Showtime. Wow. Obviously, I'm not a fuck. I was early to the game

on how brilliant Patrice was. Yeah. And so I packed my fucking car full of people from Hollywood, drove them out to Brea, the old Brea Improv improv and we watched all their specials now also i was very close with gary but patrice is there so that night we'll go to the bar special the great depression hbo stream that man that's a great woman's a beast he is a he's always been a beast great writer and uh and we go we sit down at the lobby of Patrice's hotel after the show.

And Patrice comes up and sits at my table. I'm with like all my friends. And he's like, what the fuck are you doing out here? And I was like, I'm here to support you. He was like, what? And I looked at him. I said, we're friends. And he started giggling so hard.

He goes, I guess we are friends. But I didn't go to his funeral. Why not? Because I didn't feel like, because he wouldn't have gotten mine. I was like, I'm going to be real. Like, I found out he died. We were dropping off. That makes sense.

We were picking up dog food. And Matt Frost called me and said, hey, man, Patrice passed. And I started driving home with Leanne. I didn't tell Leanne. And we were pulling into our neighborhood. And I started crying. And she goes, what's wrong? And I said, I don't want to tell you.

You're going to think I'm foolish. She was like, what? And I said, I don't want to tell you. You're going to think I'm foolish. She was like, what? And I was like, I feel silly crying because he wouldn't cry about me. And she was like, what's going on? And I said, Patrice died. And she went, oh, baby. And I was like, oh, fuck. And I cried in our driveway.

And I was like, he just meant a lot to me. He just meant a lot to me. Sure. And then she's like, are you going to go to the funeral? And I said, I don't know. I want to. She goes, would he go to yours? And i said uh i don't know i want to she goes would he go to yours i said no and i said and i looked online i was like oh tickets are like 700 bucks it's like next weekend and i go produce would be like you i wouldn't spend 700 cover to the funeral yeah so i didn't go to the funeral i regret it but i'm glad i didn't

because who i was at the time i was working on travel channel you know for a fact it would have looked like out like it's like there's certain people that would come to my funeral that you'd be like did you know him right no i mean networking that's the thing too is uh but also you don't have to feel guilty for crying for someone who wouldn't cry for you like everyone is a different patrice was a more he didn't seem like that type of you're a more sensitive person than he is i cry a lot lately yeah oh dude when's the last time you cried a breakup how about you uh uh oh i'll cry oh don't start crying um george so georgia um had uh be funny if he was just like full house i watched a full house episode I cried watching Walking Tall with The Rock oh that's a fun movie

I cried hard as fuck on that Sean William Scott's great where's he been by the way I went I cried Georgia had a seniors it was a senior fashion show and they did it with their dads and it was me and George

and I was told and george and uh and i i was told very directly be 35 of who you are georgia was like 35 of burt that's what we need today that's good advice yeah and i was like okay and so because you know you want to like fucking sparkle and shine and be fun i love the stage i immediately want to do something fucking hilarious yeah so i i i was forced then to do nothing which is out of my comfort zone but in doing nothing i got to appreciate how beautiful my daughter is and how this moment was more important and i started crying and fucking isla and leanne are such bullies the first thing they said is like we saw you crying yeah i was like yeah well i didn't cry and said is like, we saw you crying. I was like, yeah, well, I didn't cry.

And they're like, bullshit, we have pictures. They took pictures, and it's me like this on stage. Having a kid makes you cry a lot. Yeah, what a bitch. Don't do it if you don't want one. All right, all right, shit. I was going to have a kid,

but I don't want to cry all the time. Last time you cried, do you know? I cried on a movie, I mean, on a plane watching a movie what movie it was uh life eddie murphy eddie murphy yeah the ending kind of gets you that's a good movie eddie murphy and martin lawrence yeah but the plane they say when your altitude is higher you you have more emotions that's a good movie great movie i can cry on planes very easily that's what i'm saying give that a goog i think that's a fact if you you

you cry more in that altitude easy to make me cry on a plane too all you have to do is stand up and say we're hijacking this plane i fucking weep like a baby it's crazy yeah or uh you're not in delta comfort middle seat will kill you there's something also the fact that you are flying in a tube at fucking 700 miles an hour at 33 000 feet in the air where you go life is precious right um yeah i can cry on a plane easy as fuck i've cried a lot oh yeah certain episodes of tv sometimes will just hit you too like if you care about the characters it's symbolizing some other shit in your life where like i was re-watching madman recently in the episode where uh fuck uh burt cooper dies

i was like fuck it's so well done it made me emotional maybe like tear up a little bit i get i watched cast away not too long ago and just wilson floating away he's like well it's a fucking volleyball those are your dreams it meant something else yes exactly uh time traveler's wife ah when you when you talk about like it'll represent the thing in your life. That's like a romantic movie, isn't it? Johnny Depp? No. Who's in that?

Is it Eric Bana? Charlize Theron? Eric Bana and Amy Adams. Oh, I'm thinking The Astronaut's Wife. Sorry. And he time traveled. Here's why. I'm sitting watching.

I'm in and out. I'm watching it. I get the idea of the movie, but I'm not watching the whole thing. Yeah. Rachel McAdams. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. And then...

And hey, read the plot. Let me see the plot of The Time Traveler's Wife. They made a new one with Will Smith. He slaps a guy and then goes back in time to fix it. They actually did make a new Time Traveler's Wife. Did they really? Yeah. And I reached out.

I was like Chicago librarian Henry D. Tamble suffers from a rare genetic disorder that causes him to drift uncontrollably back and forth through time

on one of his sojourns he meets the love of his life Rachel McAdams then they marry but the relationship the problems and complexities

of any relationship are multiplied by Henry's inability to remain in one time in one place I'm sure she gives him a lot of shit about that. It's like a comic, yeah.

Hold on. Say that again. It's like a comic. You're always on the road. I'm sitting on the corner of a bed. You ready for this, Mark? How he stops himself from time traveling

is by drinking. Oh, this is too perfect. So I'm watching this going, this is me. He shows up'm watching this going, this is me. He shows up and she's like, where have you been? Because he goes back in time and he says to her at times, I can't tell you everything because you wouldn't want to know everything. But he's...

I get emotional talking about it because it's so fucking good. The end of the movie, right? Spoiler alert, spoiler alert. He dies, right? He dies. But at the end of the movie, you realize that one of the times when he says, I can't tell you everything. I can't tell you everything. I don't want you to know.

Trust me. At the end of the movie, he comes back. And you see where that one time in the middle, he had time traveled two. And he time travels after he's dead. And his little girl's in the middle, he had time traveled too. And he travels after he's dead. And his little girl's in the front. She's like, he's here. Oh, my God, I'm going to get emotional. Dude, it's so fucking good.

Because as a dad who tours on the road, drinks, and then you – I mean, I'm on the corner of a fucking bed. You know I'm getting emotional now. Yeah. Sobbing uncontrollably naked in a towel sobbing uncontrollably she's like mommy he's here

she comes running out and she goes where are you and he goes I was just at Garcia's wedding what's going on and then he starts to disappear and she's like I love you I love you he's like I love you guys too just telling about it this is just me telling you I love you, I love you. He's like, I love you guys too. Oh my God. Wow. Just telling about it. This is just me telling you uncontrollably for 35 minutes.

Oh man. It feels so good to fucking cry. That's heavy. What if that was our job? Huh? Just crying? Don't we get people to cry in a room? I think that's my girlfriend's job. What if you could just make a room full of people cry?

Not in the... What if you could make... What if you had a bit that could make a room full of people cry? In a good way. In a great cry. That's not talented to be like, you stupid cunt. I think Michael Richards... That's my talent.

Michael Richards did that. That would be so fucking awesome. If you could get a room full of people to cry. I fucking can't believe I just cried. Yeah. If you could get a room full of people to cry in like the best way. You just told a story like, when I was a little boy. And then all of a sudden they're just like sobbing like, yes.

Yes for you. That would be cool as fuck. Yeah. You want to laugh at the end we don't want to be the the cry comedians you know the emotional comics yeah that's what that's what that's where hannah gasby missed the mark because she i mean i said this the other night and i regret saying it because i'm sure it's going to get taken out of context and i told her on schultz's podcast we're taking it out of context as an art form but but uh but i said you know like hannah

did kind of change the game with comedy sure a lot of people release serious specials now and it's okay but it wasn't before her you know and like i don't think anyone gives her neil brennan was before her that had some serious moments what did he do three mics but it was still comedy but it was serious parts though no no no no no yeah yeah i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i was thought you were talking about and i yeah yeah i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i thought you were talking about and i was like i was like wait what did he do that made my head i was like what serious specialty do because i don't hilarious obviously i don't want to start a war with someone who doesn't mind who is a fucking kind of guy but you know but and by the way just edit his name out of this but no but she

neil did three mics neil did three mics that was pretty serious yeah it was very funny too but had serious parts whoopi had a one-woman show in the early 90s john leguizamo leguizamo that's some heart in there okay we might be drunk is brought to you by sheath underwear. Whether you're worried about having your dick stuck to your balls, or your balls stuck to your dick, or your legs stuck to your dick, it's time to get sheath. Let me see. Are you wearing it? You're not wearing it, Mark.

Oh, jeez. Is this not sheath? Whoops. Oop. Take it again. This is sheath, motherfucker. There it is. Get some.

Sorry, Robert. Sheath is great. I really like this underwear i wear it constantly and i'll tell you my girlfriend is like i love that underwear and i'm like guess what guess what it's fucking sheath so get some hell yeah uh keeps your balls off your leg two patches one for your dick one from your balls nothing sticks the patterns are solid stretchy fabric yeah you don't feel confined there's nothing worse than like underwear where there's no uh out for your dick yeah the over the over the hump and you're like what am i

pissing over a fucking brick it's terrible so true sheath isn't just for men there's lady drunks out there too we got they got sports bras bikini briefs and and uh boy shorts i gotta be honest i don't know about this stuff for women because I'm a guy. I bet it's great because a guy's stuff is killer. Oh, yeah. Loving it. Mark, tell them what to do. By the way, my lady loves the bras.

So go to sheathunderwear.com and use code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order. Plus, sheath underwear 100% money back guarantee. Plus, Sheath Underwear 100% money back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com promo code DRUNK. Get Sheath Underwear and let them support your balls, baby. Love you, Sheath. Get on it.

Support the show. Get 20% off free shipping with the code DRUNK at sheathunderwear.com. Thank you. Alright. We Might Be Drunk iscom. Thank you. All right. We Might Be Drunk is also brought to you by Diet Smoke. Edibles can hit you when you least expect it, and their dosage is uncertain. That's why we need the perfect medium high.

We hit our friends at Diet Smoke for their delicious Delta-8 THC gummies. Each gummy is infused with 10 milligrams of Delta-8 THC derived from American-grown hemp. Delta-8 is simply a slightly less potent THC. The diet smoke high is somewhere between the chillness of CBD and that classic stone feeling you get with weed. Plus, diet smoke comes in blue raspberry or watermelon. I literally take this every night to sleep.

It's great. I'm not good on too much weed. I'm a lightweight. This is the perfect amount. It just lulls you. You get that good eight hours where you're out the whole night. I love it. It's the perfect amount. This is a genius idea. Thank God somebody made this because weed is too much. THC is too, I mean, CBD is too little. This is right there in the middle. It's legal in most states and non-prescription just check to see if they ship your state so when cbd isn't enough and traditional thc is too much enjoy the smooth buzz of diet smoke go to dietsmoke.com and use promo code drunk for 20 off your order that's dietsmoke.com

promo code drunk for 20 off as a special offer diet smokes coupon can be used on every order diet smokes delta 8 thc gummies are not for use or sale to people under the age of 21 please use responsibly diet smoke isn't light it's just right this is a part of the podcast where we just digress and tell secrets edit that out edit that out um that would be no but hannah hannah i don't think she gets i don't think she gets i think because the media wanted to wanted to politicize what she did yeah i don't think that was her intent i think she did what she wanted to do and then the media jumped on it and turned her into something maybe she didn't want to be or maybe she didn't want to be but it forced so many people to fucking dislike her when i I watched that special, and I've always said this, and I might have said it, it's clear.

But I didn't hate it as much. I was frustrated at it because it wasn't what I can do. You know, like I can't get serious. Sure. But it was like, I mean, so like maybe I showed, maybe I said negative things in frustration because I can't, I'm not super serious. But like I still, one of my favorite jokes was in that special, one'm not super serious, but like, uh, like I still, one of my favorite jokes was in that spot.

One of my favorite jokes, you know, you have like a handful of jokes you never forget. Yeah. It's in that special. When I was growing up, I knew more facts about, uh, unicorns than I did about lesbians and everyone laughs and she goes,

unicorns aren't real. There's no fact to it. Like, so I was like, that's a good fucking joke, right? Yeah. It's a good turn.

And now serious specials are kind of like, okay. Yeah. So I don't turn. And now serious specials are kind of like okay. Yeah. So I don't know. Yeah, I think what she did is commendable, changing the game, but I do worry about these serious specials because I think if they're not done right, they're just boring. They're just lazy.

They're lazy, yeah. Nobody can't say they're boring. I know, but I do think there's a reason we all do the road so hard. I know but I do think there's a reason there's a reason we all do the road so hard it's so that the shit is punchy and that it you know it's almost like some people do it like they put in the work and other people do it where they're just

like why didn't do the road here's just this is just it yeah yeah yeah there's this weird kind of I'm done I gotta pee I'll be right back well there's this weird thing now where like if you work really hard and write jokes and have a killer special, you're like a piece of shit.

It almost feels like. Do you find that? It feels like, oh, you're one of those guys. I thought that's what we were supposed to do. No, yeah. I definitely feel that way. I completely feel that way. I wonder.

I'm just trying to entertain the audience. I feel bad. They're here. I want to make them laugh. Well, no. It's no longer noble to just be a comic. Yes. You got to have a political agenda behind it. Right.

The fact that I don't talk about politics, then people go, oh, you're one of those guys. And you're like, huh? Yeah. You're not willing to assume. I remember I... But I think what you're doing is harder. That's the problem. It's like they're going, oh, you're not doing this. You're not willing to assume i remember i i think what you're doing is harder that's the problem it's like they're going oh you're not doing this you're not doing that you're like yeah but you're only doing it because you can't do this yeah that's what i think i think i think

if you sit there and work on an act and you don't like look man it's super i think it's kind of easy to take a fucking political angle these ways because i don't mean this i don't mean this out of disrespect to comics that do that. But I'm saying the reason I don't do it is like I want both people at my show. Yes. Same. I want both sides of the fucking fence. Isn't that the ultimate inclusive? You have both people.

Yeah. You know, I stopped talking about race entirely. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Only because I felt like I was a tad bit tone deaf when I did. Like I felt like when I did it, I was sometimes I was saying it from simply from my perspective. Sure. And I was like, and one of my, like, and not in a bad way.

I mean, maybe I talk about race. By the way, I'm such a hypocrite. I probably talk about race in this special. I'm sure I do. Your race jokes are good. Race jokes are good. But, I mean. I grew up in a black neighborhood and we'd all say fucked up shit.

And I get black guys at shows like, you didn't talk about black people enough. Yeah. So, I think we're doing this race stuff based on how white people feel about it. Yeah. Which is actually the ultimate racism. To not being. I want both sides. I want everyone at my show.

Yes, same. I don't have an interest in like... Thank you very much. I don't have an interest in anyone... This is where you could slam me if you are one of those comics. I don't have an interest in anyone leaving my show feeling less than awesome.

I want them to feel great i want the reason you buy a ticket to come see me is to feel awesome i don't i'm not in the business of of alienating 25 of the room to really sell to 75 of the room that walk the room we're entertainers remember when you're a young comic i remember seeing a comic when i was like 19 and he walked half the room he was like kind of burned a hole and I was like, that's punk rock. But then you get older, you're like, what the fuck is wrong with that guy? He's ruining people's lives. Of course that's going to happen by accident, but I'll never set out to ruin someone's night.

That's craziness. Totally. You want to kill. You want the room to be cheering you. That's great. Standing O. You want everyone to have a good time. But in doing that, sometimes I think the old mentality was play to the play to the top 10 of the room fuck everyone

else well that's that's like the you know whenever i see comics come in the room i get nervous it's like that it's that shit we're like you know you see the guy early on he's like killing in the for the back of the room but he's yeah and you're like well that's a great open mic or right that's not a great comic yeah exactly you know that guy's gonna crush open mic-er. Right. That's not a great comic. Yeah. Exactly. You know? Yeah. That guy's going to crush the mics, though. I mean, I saw Sebastian not long ago, and it was, the back of the room would have made fun of him, but the garden loved him. But you said you loved it. I did.

I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I could see open mic-ers being like, that was bad, that was hacky, whatever. But he killed, the people came and got what they came to see and i had a great time we're all laughing it was great i saw him at the forum and i saw him with my friends uh he i mean i've just been clear he comped like fucking 12 tickets for me good seats good seats that's nice and had us gave us backstage access and i saw him back there and i was curious to like i wanted to see how he did his hour especially in the forum in like a big place like that and he you know what was amazing about him is

that he did i would say i would say probably i mean i could be really off because i'm not i'm not super familiar with everything he's done i would say 65 new 45 or 35 old yeah meaning like he did a big chunk of like the hits yeah and i'll be honest with you some of which i'd heard i loved hearing them that way like i loved hearing them live yeah i loved i mean i tell the machine story every time i'm on stage so i i get it but like i didn't know you could do that much because people do want to hear some of the hits like look if i see ron white i want to see ron white tell tater salad that's one of the best bits well you have a machine ron's got tater salad gavigan's got hot pockets like you you kind of want to brian reagan you got to do some fan service too

yeah i mean son it's like it's like here's the deal it's like, no joke. If I bring my wife to see one of you guys, and I don't mean this out of disrespect to our art form, but I kind of want to see you just murder. Yes. And because a lot, I think people think they're bigger than they are before they are that big. So they go like, I got to do all new stuff. Well, you're not Bill Burr and you're not Louis C.K. Right, right, right. like i gotta do all new stuff well you're not bill burr and you're not louis ck right like bill burr has to do new hours all the fucking time because bill burr has a huge fan base that is a is i mean first of all big comedy fans and obsessive comedy fans yeah and so and they're not going to be happy if they don't see a new hour yeah um i think sometimes i feel like i would be bigger if i did

more more old material oh really i feel like i would be bigger if I just kind of phoned it in a tad bit. I think I'd be a bigger comic. I don't know. I don't know. I think it's important that you do a lot of new stuff. I think they come out with new stuff. I mean, I write a new hour. Once I do it, all that's dead.

And then within a month, I write a new hour. And then I take it on the road. How do you do that? Do you just sit at a computer and start banging shit out banging shit out or what do you do so i'm writing i'm writing constantly so sometimes i'll write a bit like uh um like this new bit right like that's not going in this hour maybe it'll go in the next one so i always have it in my back pocket i put it in a i have a book where i keep everything um and then i have so the, I mean, not to get too inside baseball, but I think if you listen to this podcast,

you're into this. Oh, yeah. I have a list of stories I'd like to tell. Ah. And I know the ones that I go, this is good, this is good, this is good, this is good. It just is where they fall on the order line of importance. And then I have a list of jokes like like legit

jokes like shorter jokes that i know that i can throw inside stories that i write the jokes and then as i do it i go oh that would fit in that that could be great inside here and so the more i can get that to to line up yeah that's how i kind of prioritize stories and then some stories just like show up i got this great story right now now I'm telling about the one that I need help on about going to an escape room. And when I went to the escape room with my family, what's funny is I rewrote it. Then it really actually happened. I rewrote it to tell it on stage and it didn't work. And I went, all right, scrap it.

We'll put it in the list. It's in the queue, but it's not working. It's it's not working yet i'm gonna have to work on it and then one night georgia called me on stage randomly georgia called and i thought something was wrong so i answered i said what are you doing she goes are you on stage and i was like yeah and she was like oh okay i'll call you later and i was like i was like hold on and i said something trying to make something interactive happen and she said have you told the escape room story? I said, no, I haven't. She goes, you should try that one tonight.

And I was like, okay. And she fucked me. She said, remember we went with Nana, Papa, Zay, Mom, and Isla. And I had already taken my parents out of it because I just didn't think they were part of the story. I had taken Leanne out of it. And the story, the way I saw it, was like the three of us went to escape room those Only people talking in this story. That's all I need to ha ha so the three of us go And then I explained one part that I knew could get to work But it just fizzled out and then George on stage was like yeah the reason

You got to tell him why why we went and I went I said I don't it was for your birthday She was like no the reason we went is because we wanted to watch you and Papa meltdown and I went I said it was for your birthday she was like no the reason we went is because we wanted to watch you and Papa melt down and I went what and she goes oh dad

do you remember the crawl space and I was like wait hold on and so all these things in the story that I didn't think

were interesting or important Georgia pointed out on stage on the phone I then tried it the next night and it

didn't kill it's killing in certain parts but it's not great but then I go then all of a sudden it gets moved up to the top. Yes. And then now I take something out that I've been working on and I go, you're out because this is better. Yeah.

And so then that's how I work. It's like a baseball team. Some guy's not pulling his weight in right field and you're like, well, you're not the right fielder anymore. I want to ask you about this. On your show, The Cabin, which I watched and I enjoyed I mean the Caitlyn Jenner episode was nuts that was completely no pun intended but that was it was labia

that was crazy you just have Caitlyn Jenner in there I love that you're tight with your family I love that you're close with your parents and that you had this like moment with your dad and Caitlyn Jenner was that crazy so not by the way if you don't want to know how things are really made you should not listen right now oh now we're talking so uh that day i called my dad

i knew i knew caitlin jenner was coming a lot of people don't understand how the cabin was done i obviously i knew those people were showing up those days was that the guest you were most psyched for no not at all i didn't i didn't want her on the show really yeah i didn't want her i thought why not i just wanted comics oh i didn't want any famous people i just wanted i know but that's such an interesting once in a lifetime type of guest like yeah like i love bobby lee but you're close with bobby lee aren't you kind of like holy shit this is someone from not our walk of life uh yeah but i but i i just i didn't it didn't i't, it didn't, I didn't, it didn't register with me. How was the experience though?

So that morning I called my dad. I'm in Malibu. That's where we shot it. Are you guys close, you and your dad? Very. Oh, okay. I called my dad and I said, I got Caitlyn Jenner on the show today. And he goes, no, do not do that.

Stop. He goes, stop right now. Why? I said, what? And he goes, you're going to ruin your career. I said, how? And he goes, you're going to ruin your career. I said, how? And he goes, you're going to misgender her. And he goes, buddy, you're talking about an American fucking hero right now.

I was like, hold on. Misgender? It's pretty simple. You just stick with the one, right? I go, dad. I go, dad, I'm fine. He goes, no, no, no, no. You're going to insult her.

You're going to call her. It's Miss Jenner. Sorry. He goes, you're going to call her by the wrong pronoun and you're gonna ruin your career your dad's smart and he goes just stop just stop it's not worth it it's not worth it and he goes and you're talking to a goddamn american hero and i go i go hold on what are you talking about he's buddy when you were born uh caitlin was running the the 440 the the decathlon i watched the entire it was in fucking De Gaulle or Montreal, whatever.

My dad, everything rattles off of him. He's like, you've just been born. I just quit track and field. And that woman redefined, my dad's doing the right gender through the whole thing, right? Right, right. I'm like, which is not what you'd expect out of a 74-year-old man. From Florida. From Florida, yeah.

Yeah. So he goes, he goes, just don't't do it just don't do it and i said well it's a little late for that she's on her way over what like what what should i ask like you know this stuff and he's like oh what do you mean what should you ask i mean how do you prepare for something like that what's the training like i'm curious would you ask her did she used we're we're fiberglass poles around then because i'm always curious about that and then the day before like when you and my dad had all these questions so i go oh okay that's a lot yeah so i go there right nikki shows up first uh nikki glazer yes i

fortunate been there earlier and we tried to wax my ass and this and my this thing was stuck on your dad's worried about uh caitlin jen, but not about you waxing your ass on TV. That's comedy. I had this pad stuck on my ass when Nikki showed up. So I had this wax thing stuck on my asshole. Nikki's there, and I say to Nikki, now I'm like super hyper aware, I say to Nikki, I don't know if this made the show,

but I go, I need your consent. I'm going to show you my asshole right now. It did make it. Yeah, I go, I need your consent. She goes, I consent to my asshole right now. It did make it. It did? Yeah. And I go, I need your consent. She goes, I consent to see your asshole. And I said, great. So Nikki rips it off.

And that's how we meet Nikki. I mean, it's a fucking great moment of me, Fortune, and Nikki all mashed into one. And then we break down. We stop. And I say, so what are we doing? And I was like, wellaitlin jenner is walking over and nikki freezes she goes i'm i'm leaving she didn't know she didn't know she goes i'm leaving and i said why she goes no no no no no no now everyone's around we're in the kitchen

she goes so i did the roast of caitlin jenner and we submit jokes and there were 20 jokes i wrote that did not get passed and they said if any of these jokes are told, Caitlin will walk off the show. Wow. And I was like, well, you didn't tell him. She goes, Bruce would have run, but Caitlin walked. She goes, the next day I went on Howard Stern and I told all of them.

Oh. And she goes, I cannot knock, knock, knock. That's great radio, though, for Nikki. That's a smart move. Yeah. It's literally, I can't be on this be on this knock knock knock on the door and they're like caitlin's here nikki's frozen right dude it was so fucking good so we hang out we fuck around she knows nikki um she here's the one thing that i like i mean i don't regret but whatever like i had a list of jokes that my writers wrote for me that were like jokes about caitlin sex change jokes and one of the

things you think is like because they write a joke in a show it's been vetted by the network that is not real right so i ran off a list of the most offensive jokes that you've ever fucking seen and it means like even the things we did at times You're like what so we do all the stuff. We do the axed own we have uh, we talk and then my and then my I I say to caitlin. My dad is a big fan And she's like, oh cool And I was like, do you mind if I call him real quick? I call my dad

And my dad starts crying on the phone. He's like, you are my hero. You have no idea what you mean to me. And it's like so fucking intense. And then, by the way, the best part of everything is Caitlin is Caitlin the whole time. The second you talk about those Olympics, she kind of, for lack of better terms bros out a little bit oh yeah and just oh yeah yeah yeah well so here's what we did so and i mean we have probably a fucking 30 minutes of footage of her talk her talking to my dad wow and going through like all of the decathlon all of the training the russian that was that that was that easter yeah and so it was fucking awesome

so my dad didn't even know he was on fucking camera. He just talked. Wow. Yeah, he just talked. What a moment. That was a great moment on the show. It was great, but it was just random. I don't think anyone knew it was going to happen.

Damn. I watched. Did you see the Netflix thing about Bruce Jenner? I haven't seen it. Oh, it's incredible. It's, you know, the Malice in the Palace? Yeah, I saw that one. It was the same series.

Same series. That series is so fucking good. So good. Malice in the Palace was dope. I saw that one. It was the same series. Same series. That series is so fucking good. So good. Malice in the Palace was dope. And they do it on Bruce, and it's incredible. I got to watch it. Wait, wait, wait. What do they do?

Are you fucking serious? They do the whole decathlon. They have all the footage of the Olympics and him training, him freaking out in the locker room. It's incredible. Oh. Yeah, it's fun to see Bruce do it. What's crazy is that,

I don't know the right way to say this, but like transgender what happened to the word transvestite that was crossdresser my nanny was a transvestite growing up and we just said transvestite was a nice thing to say crossdresser was you know whatever so trans we'd say transvestite crossder seems so acceptable yeah yeah there's a cross drag queen yeah the drag queen i dressed up as a woman one day yeah i loved it i loved it yeah i was it was for a tv show for uh and they had legit i had to do a drag queen show and they had the legit makeup artist come in and do my makeup and it was what's crazy is i had some skin problems

at the time so i'm like uh what was it called you know red marks and stuff that alopecia no rosacea on my face and uh and it went away after that the the drag queen makeup artist was like do you want me to fix that for you wow please and they put it you're never gonna find any fucking picture of me i've ruined my digital footprint everything's a promotion for a fucking tour date may 5th i'll be at uh i'll be at the greek with mark norman single day my guys come on hey do it can you do you guys do ads at the beginning of this throw this at the beginning let them know that we're gonna be at at the at the greek may 5th where else red rocks red rocks we haven't announced that, but we're announcing it now.

Oh, shit. We're redoing. Yeah, we might as well. Fuck it. Fuck it. Uh-oh. Tom Segura calling in, guys. Let's take a call.

Put it on the speaker. Take it. We'd love to have him on. Tell Tom we want him on, too. I'm doing a podcast with Sam Morrell and Mark Norman right now. What's up? Oh, nothing.

I got your stem cells ready for Tuesday. Dude. Oh, fuck yeah thank you thank you thank you do you want a full blood panel no no will they test all your hormone levels and everything oh fuck tom let's do it let's do it no buddy i'm do not want to know that my i'm having a rough weekend i'm gonna i don't want my liver fucking blood panels he's four he's four uh cocktails in by the way. Of course he is. It's fucking five. Oh, he even did the time exchange.

Tom, we want you on our pod, man. Tom, they've got a podcast called They Might Be Drunk. You should come in and do it while you're here. All right. When? Hey, next week, whenever. When are you here, Tom? He's here tomorrow.

Come in tomorrow. Do it tomorrow. He's doing it. I'm in town the rest of the week. What part of town are you guys doing it in? Chelsea. 38th Street. Oh, yeah.

Done. Done. Yeah. Just send me a message. We'll pick a time. All right. I'll send a four-way message to all of us. All right.

You're getting a blood panel, okay? He's got AIDS. All right. All right. That's networking. Now, that's a booking's a booking yeah look that is a booking it's hard to get tom to do anything now tom's like how can i get out of this he's uh you're doing a guest you're doing a guest bears oh yeah two bears one cave check it out i can't wait april 6th are you gonna be on? It's me and you. Oh, no Tom. No, no Tom.

Great. I'm there. It's me and you. And then I think me and Ron White. Wow. Ron White, he's retiring, I hear. What? No.

He says he's retiring from comedy. He's pouring a Tarantino. Whoa. I'll believe it when I see it. He's going to need it. Everybody says they retire from comedy. Then two weeks go by and they come back. Drunk in Public is one of the all-time great comedy albums. Oh, yeah.

That's one of the great... Ron White is... I was saying this to Mark at lunch today. If you told me I could have his career at a young age, I'd be like, fucking throw me in the briar patch. Yes. What a great career.

Guy gets to go around, drink, smoke cigars, tell jokes, and then I was like, I think I'm on that path. Like cigars tell jokes and then i was like i think i'm on that path like just drinking and then i was like oh you said that you could have his career as a young man i feel like you have i think i have it now now where i just you're a young guy bert yeah he's sober you're not he smokes a cigar and has the tequila up there he did it i mean his bit about cheating on his wife is one of the funniest bits i've ever heard the one the one about how he goes just the way he says it he, my wife got this funny idea that I cheated on her in Columbus. And I didn't.

I'll tell you why. Just opening a bit that way. The fact that you get a crowd of people on your side. Yeah. And it's one of the funniest stories I've ever. I mean, he is. I've said this. I've said this a bunch.

But, dude, the way that he did tater salad right i told you this story to tell you this story yes it's been copied by so many comics right because it's so identifiable but it's so him and that's why he's a brilliant storyteller is he it's an old school southern way of telling a story right where sometimes he'll it's like it's almost like a tom sawyer ask like like yeah uh i had an old dog who couldn't hunt he's not what i need to tell you about what i need to tell you about is my neighbor now my neighbor yeah could never hold down a job every time i'd walk home that's like the brilliance of him like the misdirect of him his story yeah totally dude he's uh he's a classic i'll watch him with

my mom like the fact that my mom finds him funny yeah he's a uh he's like a classic i mean that guy he's charming which i feel like a lot of comics don't have he has a charm about him where you just like him and a sophistication yes swirling around that scotch he's got he's not just some drunk he's like some upper crust drunk right like a seersucker suit. I mean, he's terrific. When I wrote, when I did that, we were talking about this earlier. The best joke I ever wrote is the fucking Starbucks joke, right? I was so proud of that. That was the last special.

Last special, yeah. I was so proud of it because I talked to Stan Hope earlier, and we were talking about knock-knock jokes. And he was like, I called him up one day and I was like, what are you doing? He said, having a vodka and grapefruit. We need him on here. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's like, I'm having a vodka grapefruit and I'm writing funnies. And I went, what?

He's like, I don't know, I'm just fucking around. He's like, I'm not writing material, I'm just writing knock-knock jokes. He was like, we're as funny as those guys. Right. I was like, I guess he's like, they're not funnier than us. We're the, we're the best guys doing it in our generation. We should be able to write knock-knock jokes. And I was like, yeah, you think about it. They're not, those are just good jokes, but we should do that. And he was like, all right, anyway, what are you doing? And so we just bullshitted. So then I was like like i tried to write a guy walks into a bar joke and what happened to me and that was i walked into a starbucks and on this and i and i and i had one interaction the

first simple interaction and and i mean this is the i mean this is the thing that makes my dick hard about comedy i had a simple interaction with that guy one time, right? The next day I walked in, he's there again. And we have the same interaction, a little gigglier. I'm like, okay, whatever. He's like, I'll see you tomorrow? Yeah. So I go home that night and I'm nervous.

I'm not thinking about the joke at all, at all. I'm not thinking about the joke. This happened on, I think it was April 13th. It was a friday because isla got her period that day so isla calls me from school and says i got my period i'm throwing myself a period party i'm like what so i'm not thinking about that i'm thinking about this joke that she just told me i'm thinking about that i'm thinking about that as i go to gelsons to get all the red stuff red velvet cake pasta sauce pasta because we're throwing a period party that night we're all dressed in red i go to the starbucks i walk in and as i walk in the kid sees

me starts giggling starts hitting his friends like it's happening and like i tell a different one i tell the story yeah so i go in and i and i'm like oh fuck in my head i'm like i gotta tell another how i want my coffee joke i'll take it uh i don't want to do it no it's father at all whatever the joke is the coffee's black I'm ordering it black and I'm like I want it to be pulled over for no reason at all I want it thugged out and the last one is I don't want it to know his father because I it's the third time I gotta bring a banger

kid falls out laughing white woman says what did you say to him and I say the thing and I fucking I stepped out of Starbucks and i was shaking i was like it's like watching the when we remember when um neo sees the algorithm of the matrix and i go yes i go three times three three times i walked in a bar guy walks in a bar three guys in a bar

goes in fucking that's that's the problem with cream that's the problem with cream that's great and i was so far and i was like that's the best the best i can ever do that's the best i can ever do right i'll never get better than this and then it then the fucking nothing you know no one ever mentioned the joke we always i'm like kind of cool after what happened but you're like but you're like god damn it and then and then i'm like going and i'm like i'm throwing a period party right i got two jokes in one day i wrote half my special in fucking one day wow it was like the greatest man but but that that guy walks into a bar i told him i told him i'll tell you a joke tell me punch it up you it's better yet you tell him my my neil young joke oh i might fuck it up no no no i Oh, I might fuck it up.

No, no, no. I only heard it once. Fuck it up and make it better. Okay, so you're at a bar. Neil Young walks in and says... No, Neil Young walks into a bar. Okay, Neil Young walks into a bar and says... Sees Joe Rogan.

That's it. I got it now. Neil Young walks into a bar, sees Joe Rogan, and he goes... And Joe Rogan goes look let's let's bury the hatchet what are we doing here stop fighting and neil young says he says joe says let me buy you a drink there you go neil young says oh i've never been here what's good and joe says well i got i got i get a beer the shots are no good get it yeah how about oh try it fix it fix it fix it good neil young yeah because the vaccine

yeah it's all right i mean shots shots um hmm yeah all right okay okay hold on hold on let's start at the ground yeah okay joe rogan yeah with the punchline is joe rogan's at the bar and no one's getting shots no shots i think that's the better way what if it's kyrie irving walks in well neil neil young walks into a bar goes all right how you doing joe joe goes hey what's shaking let's bury the hatchet and he goes let me buy you a drink what are you having and neil goes let's do shots and then joe says i don't do shots. I don't trust him. Yeah.

Something like that. I say, I don't do shots. I don't do shots is good. I don't do shots. Rogan's saying, I don't trust him, I think is the move.

I love the fucking math of how a joke has to figure out. I was listening to like old school jokes. I mean, Gilbert Gottfried's got this great album of dirt.

Have you heard that album ever? No. Oh, it's incredible. I haven't heard that either. Gilbert Gottfried does an album great album of dirt. Have you heard that album ever? No. Oh, it's incredible. I haven't heard that either. Gilbert Gottfried does an album of street jokes. Whoa. He tells them in the funniest way.

I mean, they're classic jokes, like jokes like, you know, a man gets a genie. He goes, I want to solve all the violence in the Middle East. It's been going on for so long. I want to solve the violence. And he goes, oh, I'm so sorry. I can't do something like that. He goes, okay,

let me try another wish. Uh, my wife has never blown me in 40 years. He goes, let me see that map again. Shit like that. Classic, like old,

and it's a whole album of jokes like that. Wow. You've heard the, the gorilla and the lion. Worth listening. I will. Which one? Gorilla and the lion.

I don't know. Oh, that's a classic. It's the best. It's the best. You never heard this? Oh, you're going to shit. This is the Lion. I don't know. Oh, that's a classic. It's the best. It's the best. You never heard this? Oh, you're going to shit. This is the best.

This is the best. Lion is in the jungle and sees a little stream and goes down to have a drink. So as it bends over to take a little drink of the water, his tail goes up in the air. Gorilla comes out of the jungle and sees the lion's asshole and says, you know what? I'm going to just go in real quick and and get some of that so the gorilla comes up behind the lion and gives it gives him the old liberace real quick just right lion freaks out gorilla hops off the lion and starts running through the jungle lions taste chasing the gorilla gorilla's running Gorilla runs upon a big camp of people that aren't there.

So real quick, he looks around. He throws on some khakis, puts on a hat, and he grabs the New York Times. And he sits in a chair. The lion runs into the camp and says, hey, have you seen a gorilla come through here? Gorilla lowers the paper. He lowers it and goes, you mean the one that fucked that lion in the ass? He's like, it's already in the paper. So the brilliance of the joke the brilliance of the joke and this is this is a i forget it's a gilbert goffrey joke i think oh is it i think so and if the brilliance look that up the brilliance

of the joke is that you can't repeat words right so he gives him the old liberace this bill burr broke this down or how did someone break it down to him gives him the old liberace you can't say fucks him in the ass because fucks him in the ass comes up later right gives him the old liberace and he says and he picks up the new york times you can't say papers twice he picks up the new york times so he goes it's already in the papers that's the punchline yeah you need to hear the punchlines are you mean the one that fucked that lion in the ass you need to hear fucked him in the ass for the first time and it's already in the papers for the first time yes and so it's those little nuances of like i watched someone special and they kept saying the same fucking word i know and i'm like what the

fuck are you doing well it's like the classic carlin thing with stuff you either got to say it once or 50 times yeah right i love the classic street joke the one about the two pedophiles looking at kids in the park goes man that's one hot seven-year-old he goes yeah it must have been something in her day that's a classic one too classic see what bugs me is like somebody could hear that and go you're joking about pedophilia that's fucked up blah blah and you're like it's a joke it's all mechanics jokes are mechanic it's all this tweaking and twerking it's not about pedophiles sure you know that's what bugs me and i feel like those people have sadder lives because they can't see the joy in it you know

chad daniels had that funny thing where he does a joke about i don't know whatever anal sex half the crowd laughs half the crowd groans it goes oh and he goes i feel bad for you guys because they hear that and feel joy you get angry you just have a shittier life and he just breaks it down you're like that's true fuck you well yeah i mean gilbert's album is great for any comedy lover because it's just like classic jokes like every joke you love like you know the one about the guy who's he shit faced the bar he vomits all over himself the bar he goes what do i do my wife's gonna kill me for being this drunk that's a great and he goes uh take a ten dollar bill stick in your front pocket say another guy vomited on you

he gave you the money for the dry cleaning so he goes home his wife's like what the fuck he goes some other guy puked on me he put ten dollar bills in my front pocket and she goes there's a 20 here he goes he also shit in my pants those are classics those are like gilbert's album great jokes i love them now you see a comedian who bombs a lot should hear that you know these comedians are like talking about how they got molested and all this shit you got to hear that and go i could never do that that's a hard joke to write the gorilla thing is a hard joke to write but they're looking down on that but i'm like you couldn't do it you could never do know the rules if you're

gonna break them yes exactly yeah i love i would i could listen to i could listen to probably an hour of street jokes i know they're the best jokes are so good i'm telling you dude both you listen to gilbert's album because you're gonna be like oh, these are perfect. Do you think he wrote them? No, he didn't write them. Oh, interesting. They're classic jokes that he's just kind of telling because he doesn't play off that he wrote them. He's like, these are old jokes. Yeah.

But it's still fucking great. It's great. What's the one? They're hard to remember. Did you ever hear the one? Oh, fuck. You know he used to be great at him was uh i met him buddy hackett i met buddy hackett i met buddy hackett i met buddy hackett twice i met him twice he was phenomenal yeah he his carson spots dude they're on youtube

he goes oh yeah guy goes uh guy goes into the doctor and he's got a huge set of balls and he goes doc have you heard this one doc i have a problem with my voice the doctor says it's because your balls are so big and he goes what can we do about it he goes well i can take them off you uh and your voice will be normal but you're're not going to have the balls anymore. And he goes, anything to get rid of this voice. So the doctor cuts the guy's balls off. A week later, the guy comes back to the doctor, and he's like, okay, doc, I got to be honest with you, I fucked up.

I think I want the balls back. The doctor's like, here's the problem. I put them on myself. I fucked it up. I fucked it up. I get it. I'm drunk. drunk anyway buddy hackett has great buddy hackett would tell great jokes like that and they're long setups like it's a different style of comedy he's on the couch the setups take a while but right do you ever think do you ever

think we could i mean is what we do easier than that yeah yeah i think so probably but we do easier than that? Yeah, yeah, I think so. Probably. But we do it in a way that it's more entertaining. Because if you just stood there and told those, it'd be funny, but maybe for 20 minutes. After a while, you'd be like, all right, what are we doing here? This is weird. But if you make it personal and make it an event, that's a comedy show. So I think what we do is take jokes like that and make them work over an hour there's another one this guy is uh his your wife was in a horrible accident the doctor's telling me your wife's in a horrible

accident you're gonna have to help her uh get dressed every day or accident so bad i mean she's she's never gonna walk again he's freaking out oh my god also she's gonna have to shit in a bedpan you know she's never gonna be able to take you're gonna have to do that for her too and the guy's like oh my god and the doctor goes i'm just kidding she's dead you fucked it up i fucked it i got good news and i got bad news what he goes what's the bad news he goes well your wife's been in an accident she's like oh fuck holy shit what's the good news i'm kidding she's dead ah there you go that's funny when you we've had too many of these yeah we have we're hammered what do... Do you have to do spots tonight? Yes.

I got a few. Where? Gotham in the cellar. Stan in the cellar. Really? I got to do Bobby Kelly's podcast at 8.30. Oh, okay. Oh, boy.

What about this, Jeff? You heard this one real quick. The guy's eating a girl out. Her vagina smells like hell. So he goes in the fridge and puts deodorant up here. All right. hell so he goes in the fridge and puts deodorant up here that was fucking good i almost did a spit take that was good no what was the one what was the one who the guy goes in and he's putting corn in her pussy type in corner pussy matt matt mac we just see mac getting arrested walking out of here corn you sick fuck this used to be a part remember we people would tell jokes all the time like because

you know we had no phones we had no internet so people just sit around and be like oh you ever hear the one about this no one does that anymore no that was a big part of life well you can't i don't know well do you think here. I'm just taking it for myself. Well, do you think, here's the real question. I hope. Do you think, wait, here's the real question. I might be drunk. That's the pod.

We. Might be drunk. Is there a camera on me? Yeah, dude. There's a couple. Where is it? Oh, it's right there. Okay.

Oh, there you go. Okay. Okay. So, the whole time I'm like, are we recording this? yeah dude there's a couple where is it oh it's right there okay oh there you go okay so um and the whole time i'm like are we recording this so so we just want to see when you did batman when they had batman they had the joker right and they had the riddler is there a group of people come up with riddles and and do them in front of an audience and then people solve them like is there a riddle guy like the way we can write jokes, the thing we love about jokes,

is there someone that does that with riddles? Riddles are fucking great. Riddles? Give me a riddle. I don't know what a good riddle is. No, no, no, no. Like an old school riddle. The new age one, the wordler.

That guy is fucking... Wordle. I play wordle every day. Did you play it today? I played Purtle, the NBA version of it. Purtle? He's an NBA player player oh okay oh for real hey for real it's called purdle oh shit i play girdle we gotta wrap this up we're pushing

two hours here all right oh we're over two hours so wait so we like a riddle um yeah you got a crew out there you have a you have a we should make them a drink real quick. Yes. Can you make them a drink? I feel bad. So you have a pig. No, a pig. Wait, this has jumped the shark, this episode. No, no, no, no, no. We're like buying a piece together, bitch.

Hang on, hang on. Here we go. Riddles. No, funny riddles. No, those are funny riddles. No, I want a riddle. A bag of grain. A fox. So I've funny riddles. No, those are funny riddles. No, I want a riddle. A bag of grain, a fox. So I've been riddle, a bag of grain.

If two trains leave Cincinnati at 8 a.m. Okay, go. Cut to 30 minutes later, we're doing Aesop's Fables. Chicken, fox, bag of grain riddle. Right there. Okay. Okay. Okay.

This is how bored people were back in the day. Okay, so I can't read it. You have you have a fox a chicken and a sack of grain you gotta cross the river with only one of them at a time okay if you leave the fox with the chicken he'll eat it if you leave the chicken with the grain he'll eat it how do you get them across safely okay i don't know the bandwidth for this right now. By the way, riddles are pretty fucking cool. Yeah. Like a good riddle. It's like word math. Yeah, you're like, oh, interesting. It's true. It's just

funny to hear riddles are fucking cool. You are right. It's a funny thing to say. I don't know. Yeah, that's true. It's a dove. It's the bird of peace. What is the bird of true love? Well, easy, hippie. Is this a riddle? I'm confused.

That's like what you say to a woman who's chained to a bed. That's part of the joke. So you take the chicken over first. Oh, they have the answer. You take the chicken over first. Then you come back. You grab the fox. You take the fox over. You pick up the chicken over first then you come back you grab the fox

you take the fox over you pick up the chicken bring the chicken back pick up the grain take the grain over come back pick up the chicken take the chicken over

like riddles I guess that's pretty simple though no I don't think that's right no that's pretty cool cause the chicken would eat the grain take the chicken over that's what I said take the chicken over

go back and bring the grain next oh he said it right and leave the chicken yeah yeah yeah I said it right I thought you said the fox second no eat the grain. Take the chicken over. That's what I said. Take the chicken over and go back and bring the grain back. Oh, he said it right. And leave the chicken. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said it right. I thought you said the fox second. No.

And so there was like the one time. This is like one of the biggest fights I've ever been in my fucking life with my wife. Ever been in my fucking life with my wife. You're like, do you bring the grain or the chicken? No. You fucking bitch. It's a fox. It's a fox.

You little smith there. You fucking bitch. It's a fox. It's a fox. We were pulling into the Galleria out in Pasadena. I think it's in Pasadena. And we're in our truck. And she hits that PVC pipe that they have that says seven feet, one inches. She dings it. I mean, hard as fuck. And I go, hey, our truck isn't going to fit. And she goes, that's not what that means.

I go, that's actually exactly what that means. Yeah. She goes, no, baby, that just lets you know that they just put that up. And they go, just give me a heads up. You got to be around this height. I said, no, the reason it's PVC pipe is that if you hit it, you know you will get stuck somewhere in here. Because that's not what that means. And she's still driving.

I'm like, stop fucking driving. Yeah. Stop driving. We're going to. And we get stuck underneath the thing. Whoa. Yeah. And I'm like, she's like, how was I supposed to know that was going to happen?

I said, they put a fucking PVC pipe out to let you know that's going to fucking happen. Yeah. Are you being serious? And then the riddle was, how do you get your car out? Super easy riddle. Anyone? Back it out. No.

Oh, that'll fuck it up more. Is it a convertible? What kind of car is it? It was at the time. It was a Navigator. No, no, no, no. Oh, I got it. Deflate the tires.

Boom. Aha. Back it out. Yeah. Go to a gas station, reflate the tires. Nice. Actually, minimal damage to the car. Really?

Minimal damage to the car. I'm clouded in the fight a little bit because the fight was so aggressive my daughters were in the car and it was so aggressive but when houston covered the car though right yeah he used to pay for the fucking but you won the argument at least nope come on to this day to this day she goes that's not why those are up. Jeez. And so you go, back when they used to hit women. That's the only thing that's clipped from this episode. Obviously, that's a joke. But you know there's someone that would hear that and go, what the fuck?

And you're like, no, it's a joke. I don't hit my wife. I bought oculus so i could punch her when i like i put an eye i bought an eye those look fucking awesome by the way do you have one bobby has one i believe yeah of course bobby has one every gadget yeah bobby gets the bobby gets the the cheap version of the gadget first the one that's the knockoff the one that the first prototype where you're like it doesn't really work that great and then he gets the great one right bobby gets every version of whatever technology is from beta type prototype to the fucking alpha prototype bobby is so dialed into fucking uh that shit i don't know how the fuck i'm gonna do his podcast tonight i don't know how you're gonna do dude. Well, we'll take a breather and we'll get a slice.

Maybe I'll get a slice or something. What's your plan for the night? How does this work for you guys? I'm in the cellar. I'm staying out. I'm out now. You're out? Should we head down and go find a bar?

No. Yeah. We'll make the spots. No. I'm just saying. Well, Boone, plug some gigs before we wrap up. Yes, yes. Cinco de Mayo, Red Rocks. I'm there with Mark Norman. Cinco de Mayo, I'm just saying. Well, plug some gigs before we wrap up. Yes, yes. Cinco de Mayo,

Red Rocks. I'm there with Mark Norman. Cinco de Mayo, I'm at, I'm sorry. Cinco de Mayo, I'm at the Greek. Red Rocks,

I'm at September 9th. I don't know if we'd announced that yet, so if you're hearing this, it is a secret. Don't share it with anyone. Get your tickets when I announce.

Oh, fuck, we gotta do an announced video, Mark. Oh, we'll do that. I am in, when does this drop, today? No, Sunday.

Okay. Is Sunday okay, Matt? If Matt can handle it. Matt can handle it. Maybe Sunday or next Sunday. So then Baltimore, no, I'm in Redding, Pennsylvania on the 7th. Baltimore on the 8th. University Park.

Nashville. I'm in Nashville. I'm at the Grand Ole Opry on the 21st. And then the Ryman, I have two shows on the 22nd. Whoa, great room. Yeah. That's a special one. That's a great room. I was supposed to just do two at the Ryman.

And then for some reason, I got three at the Ryman. And then then for some reason i got they are three at the ryman and then they move one to the grand old opry and now i've got some tickets to move people yeah yeah so it never fucking stops does it huh and then uh grand junction amphitheater kingsbury hall salt lake city um um and then i'll be adding shows for the winter tour because I'm getting ready for my special. Like I said, Mark and I are at Red Rocks. We have not announced this yet. Hell yeah. So if you hear that, don't share with anyone.

It's going to be September 9th. Don't tell that to anyone. Just get ready. It sold out last time. It should sell out again this time. Definitely. And then it's going to be fucking. And then The Greek, Cinco de Mayo.

Nice. That's a big one. That's a Mayo. Nice. That's a big one. That's a milestone for you. It's a big one, but it's a big one and it's crazy. It's like the fucking... Chappelle's doing four shows at the Hollywood Bowl. Oh.

Guffy, Guffy, Guffy, Guffy? Puffy, Puffy? Fluffy, Fluffy. Oh, Fluffy. Fluffy's doing two sold-out shows at Dodger Stadium. Insane. Dude. Insane.

I mean, pull up Netflix's A Joke Festival. Take a look at what... Take a look at the week of comedy that's happening in Los Angeles. We'll be there, too. Yeah, you got that right. Where are you guys? Are you guys doing... Just small shit, some other stuff.

Wait, wait, wait. Go back to the... Oh, wow. Larry David. Go back to the list. Oh, wow, Larry David. Go back to the list, and then look. Ali Wong, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Amy Schumer, Anthony Jeselnik, Aziz Ansari, Burt Kreischer, Big Jay Oakerson. Third billing.

Bill Burr. Chris Rock. Chris Rock. Whoa. It's alphabetical. It's alphabetical. That's a slap in the face. Will Smith is opening.

John Mulaney. John Mulaney, Fluffy, Fortune. Jesus. Dude, this fucking group of comics. That's a lot of money. Seinfeld. Larry David. Margaret Cho.

Mark Maron. Michelle Wolfe. Moshe Kasher. Mo Amor. Wow. Maria Villanueva. Marlon Wayans. Patton Oswalt, Pete Davidson, Pete Holmes, the Plastic Cup Boys.

Yeah. No way. They made it in? Dude. Pete Davidson down at the bottom there. All right. Wanda Sykes. Mark and I are late additions too.

Seth Rogen. Tom Glass and Tom Popple. Damn. Dude, this is, so the, I mean, suffice to say, if you see a lot of promos from me about the Greek, it's because there's a lot of really good shows that week. Yeah. I want everyone to come out and see our show. Go see Bert for sure. Yes.

And I'll be in LA that week and we'll do some fun stuff, Mark. Definitely. We'll figure something out out there. Yeah. I know everything's booked up. We'll do something. I'll be at Salt Lake City. Wise guys. Are you going to come hang out with us at the Greek? I'll do something uh i'll be at uh salt lake city uh why are you gonna come hang out with us at the greek i'll be there i'll come through what

night is it maybe do a spot huh really of course yeah i'm there yeah now we're talking it's a fucking evening it's one night of the week it's an evening who thursday i think i'm there it's fucking it's better be binding buddy i'm coming through uh just added la that's one night quick night uh brea i'll be there for the brain improv that weekend beacon is sold out brother so oh my dick oh shut the fuck up one for the book i might add a gotham weekend too throwing there then we got nashville albany uh toronto a bunch of shit coming up so come through it's gonna be great uh excited to be on the road it's so cool to see you guys chicago chicago uh filming a special in june so check that shit out

the den beautiful venue oh i hear that's great i got a theater tour tickets are not looking great so please help me out folks uh chicago cleveland durham dc uh denver indianapolis two shows Chicago, Cleveland, Durham, D.C., Denver. Indianapolis, two shows. Thursday and Friday. Yeah, yeah. Who knows? Must be looking all right then, man. That's pretty impressive.

We were adding shows in some cities, and then some cities, nothing's moving. What cities aren't moving? Cleveland. It's a tough one. You know what you got to do? You got to do Rover's Morning Glory. Hey, hey, you know the guy. Rover's Morning Glory, that show will sell you the fuck out.

Really? I don't even know this show. There are a handful of shows that you have to do when you go to their market. You're a machine, dude. You're the machine. You're also a machine. And I'll tell you all the ones, but let me tell you, when you go to Cleveland, Rover's Morning Glory will put you over like you're Machine Gun Kelly coming home for homecoming.

It is fucking Rover. And it's a great fucking interview. It's fun as fuck. There's a great, the crew. It's a huge radio show. Huge. And syndicated. They're out in Buffalo.

Oh, wow. So it's worth, I'll tell you this, and I'm saying, you know, I love the inside baseball of everything. If I'm doing Cleveland, I fly to Cleveland one day. I do Rover's Morning Glory just on a Tuesday while I'm on tour, on a Tuesday. On my flight home, say I'm coming home from fucking LA, I'll stop in Cleveland, spend the night, do radio, get on a plane the next day wow cowhead elliot in the morning preston and steve um i'm gonna stop there steve are amazing i'm

gonna stop there there's a list but on the list and i know i didn't name some people there's a lot of people yeah that are my fucking good friends in radio woody i'm there's like all my friends yeah but and i don't and i'm stopping right there because i i don't want to miss anybody but like that off the top of my head those are all right you go to dc you go to dc if you do fucking elliot in the morning you might as well add a wow well press and steve they just did a thing for them on uh it's always sunny in philadelphia they got a little camera oh yeah so it's pretty fucking big and dude anytime that's my my go-to is anytime

those radio shows hit you up and they're like, hey man, like Cowhead. I've known Cowhead for as long as he's been married, for like 25 years. I've known Cowhead for 25 years. Calta? My Calta is his name. But if

there are times that I would do his cruise for free. I'd fly myself down, stay at my parents. I do his cruise. I, he'd pay for the cruise.

He paid for my food on the cruise. And then I fly myself home and I'll tell you, and I'll say that it's paid off. It's, it's, it wasn't an investment in anything other than I really love my cow. I love that guy. But like those things

ultimately you see this weird payoff all down the line of your career where there are people who've known you for 20 years when you go in and do radio shows and you become friends with the people and you and you and you form a friendship like elliot uh uh rover preston and steve cal mike calta paul young ron pa Paul Castronova. These are people like, and like I said, I'm stopping because I'm leaving on people. There are a few people that are legit friends. Yeah. And whenever they said, whenever a radio show ever said, hey, Bert, would you like to do

our dot, dot, dot? My answer was fucking yes and thank you. Damn. I did Rover Fest one year. He's like, hey, man, I don't know the logistics, so if I'm off, I apologize to Rover. But he was like, hey, we can fly you up. We can put you up for the night. And we can't give you a lot of money.

I want to say I did it for free, but I don't know. But none of the money never mattered because he put me up in front of like fucking 30,000 of his fans. And I introduced Machine Gun. No, no. I introduced Big Boy from Out from outcast i did stand up before my stand-up bombed but no it is perfect because i pivoted and girls were just flashing since outdoor venue and so we had a cameraman who should have been filming me i go spin it around i go let's see them ladies and we spent 15 minutes just chicks flashing the megatron jumbotrons

and the place fucking loved it and then and then you're telling jokes in between yeah a million jokes you can come up with then oh yeah and big boy from outcast was like this guy's fucking funny as shit and i was like yeah i met big boy daddy fat sacks wow okay always so fucking legendary so good underrated legends you go to atlanta back in the day regular guys was like, you'd sell out everything you did. The regular guys. If you did good on radio.

I remember there are so many. Andrew Z was in Todd and Tyler. Todd and Tyler in Omaha. To this day, you go do Todd and Tyler and you're clean. Really? Dude. I thought radio was dead. No.

Wow. It's just that it's not. Look, podcasting hasn't isn't everywhere so you can john boy and billy like there's so many great radio shows that are out there that have diehard fans people that grew up on it like not everyone is a tech uh programmer you know right right there's guys that dig fucking holes that like comedy there's guys that yeah put up drywall that love comedy yeah and they get to work early john boy and billy's on and they hear him then all of a sudden you're like you know coming up we got burke kreiser and they're like oh

fuck now they're on a work site with a bunch of people and they're like who the fuck's that and it's like oh it's the guy that shirtless guy rips his shirt off tell god about the rush mafia another guy's like i don't know he's like hey man check him out you're gonna like him those moments they help they help a career they're not gonna you can't it's not like larry the cable guy back in the day when you just do todd and tyler and they sell out fucking or bob and tom bob and tom bob and tom they hated me they hated me so much i've done it multiple times they always hated me bob and tom bob and Tom is, I say this to anyone who thinks radio is dead, Bob and Tom legit moves the needle. Still?

Legit moves the needle. I think they have to like you because I've done it and it did not move the needle for me. Oh, no, no, no, no. It moves the needle. I'm telling you, man. You know, I'm kind of a geek about this kind of stuff yes he knows like uh if i i tell you there's shows in new york where i go that's worth your that's worth your time to get

to wake up early to do whatever they say because they're entered they're sharing it's it's really cool man i i never understood until rogan butan shared, he shared his audience with me. Oh, boy. It's the coolest fucking thing in the world. That is nice. Think about Joe and how selfless he is. Yeah, he's a generous guy. Because he puts you over and he's like, come on my show.

Let's use Mark as an example. Mark's a perfect example because Mark was nervous to do Rogan at first. And he was like, I don't know. And I remember all of us were saying, just be yourself. Go in. Don't give a fuck. Have have fun he's got a great sense of humor and mark's rogan appearance was such a fucking spike of people going who the fuck is this guy it's the rogan bump man you get the rogan bump and all of a sudden all your shows sell out immediately because there's what is it 10 million people that just heard you be awesome and joe is

generous he's fucking he loves stand-up he's a great stand-up but he celebrates you and these radio shows do that now here's the thing not all radio shows did that and that's why radio gets a bad rap there's a lot of radio shows were like i'm the star i'm the king i have the deal i have the money i'm fuck you fuck you, prove yourself. Yes. Right? Joe never did that. And a lot of these radio shows, I think, kind of caught on.

And they're just like, yeah, man, come on in. Like, you do Cowhead. You hold that. You do All Morning. Yeah. Thursday, Friday. Let's do Thursday, Friday. Mike Calta is his name.

I keep saying it, fucking it up. Elliot, same way. Elliot, hey, come in at nine. Mike Calta always helped me in Tampa. Oh, yeah. Mike Calta. Calta. Preston and Steve, you come in. Yeah. They'll be like, hey, man and my couch always helped me in tampa oh yeah calta calta preston and steve you come in yeah they'll be like hey man we have courtney love coming in and you're like for real like you're smashing pumpkins opening because i can crush this

you're one of the only people who did radio when you didn't need to a lot of people go oh i'm sold out i'm not going to radio i still do you do it i'm doing podcasts well podcast mark is here well i'm this isn't radio i'm talking about radio at 6 a.m i did radio i did radio in in new york wow yeah i did radio of course i did radio in new york i didn't radio in new york when i didn't have shows in new york wow because i and and then and then look you can find it like i think a lot of comics wouldn't find the purpose in it technically but i tell you one thing i met dj mva and charlemagne and i was like fucking because they were in the same building i walked into their studio i was like i'm a huge

fucking fan yeah i love that show i love breakfast club oh me too angel ye wasn't there but like i still do radio it's dude it's it kind of i don't know it's it's can i tell you i have anxiety when i fly and i feel like if i didn't have anxiety my plane would crash So the way I look at radio is I go the day. I think i'm too big to do radio is when the day my career is over the the day that like People are like what happened to burt dude preston steve all reached out to me and they're like Hey, I know you're in philly Scouting your location for secret time Would you be interested in spending the night

and then doing our radio show with Rob McElhaney from Always Sunny. And we're going to be at the parade. And I went without a fucking doubt. Was he cool? He was awesome. I did Conan with him once and I was so bummed I didn't get to meet him. He was so fucking

awesome. We had cold beers. We fucking watched the parade go down Philly. The Eagles had won the Super Bowl. And it was so fucking awesome we had cold beers we fucking watched the parade go down philly the eagles that won the super bowl and it was like fucking awesome and he's a legend but they're not offering that to everyone they're offering that to people that are always cool that always show up and they know come in prepared come in with it with something to talk about something to spin off on something with the story story, their game, a fucking whatever. Shirts off a fucking M. Night Shyamalan, I'm in. I'm in a Speedo. There's a picture of me and M. Night Shyamalan in a Speedo,

and I'm drunk as fuck. And it's one of the fucking best interviews I ever did because I'm obsessed with that guy. Yeah. Right? And then he was like, hey, would you come do a benefit for me? And I was like. M. Night Shyamalan said that?

Yeah. What? The twist is that he was dead there's the picture no that's uh whoa look at that but yeah i see fat people we gotta wrap this thing up here you got people outside you paid your dues man yes you paid your dues people are very loyal to you and and you know your loyalty it works both ways so it makes sense you know here here people remember i'll tell you what i'm gonna uh yeah we should we love you though you always been i love you guys it's so cool you've always been you've always been awesome and you've always been

hilarious you've always been generous too so we appreciate a lot of guys in this business who get some fame and they get weird and they get distant and they get big timey you don't have an ounce of that no well you know i mean you got a camera crew outside but other than that you're right oh great all right well let's wrap it up we'll have a drink and then let's go have you we love you hey i'm gonna say this heartfelt because i'm drunk now uh i've known you guys for a long time and it's very cool to see you guys fucking blowing up. It really is. It really is. We feel the same about you.

You're huge. And we take that. We're happy as hell for you. We all have known each other when we were broke as fuck. Yes. So it's cool to see you guys fucking succeeding on this fucking level. Thank you. And by the way, if you enjoy enjoy this podcast i just want you to know

you're welcome i created this podcast that's been a plug for uh that's been a plug for you're welcome everybody there you go see bert see us take care comb your hair thanks everybody comedy we did it Sunday's the day for my next bender a bit of fever and you know the future's close I've had a little too much bourbon and Norman's talking shit about the fucking pump and I

get down in the same way up on the roof like the cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way

We might be true