We Might Be Drunk - Ep 72: Simon Rex w/ Margarita

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

Drink Muddled cucumber and chopped chilis (can use jalapeño too) 2 oz Blanco tequila 1 oz lime juice 3/4 oz triple sec or Cointreau 1/4 oz st. Germain Shake. Rim glass with tajin Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at BetterHelp.com/Drunk Support the show and get $20 off your first purchase with the code DRUNK at https://Fanimal.com Visit http://marknormandcomedy.com/ and https://www.sammorril.com/shows for more details! Join the Patreon for bonus episodes weekly and more bonus content: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod Send us emails [e-mail]  

Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. We're really doing it. Sammy the Bull. We got Simon Rex on the horn. How are you there, fatty? Well, I'm not only am I zinging, I'm zanging.

Jesus. That's how you know you're a fan when you use your lingo. I just saw a meme the other day and it was like, you know she likes you when she uses your slang. Yes. you know what i mean but i'm such a fan of you guys that i've actually adopted your lingo so wow yeah i heard my lady the other day she goes praise allah i was like whoa this is a soul mate here i found the one then you fucked her and she goes comedy that's great yeah dude it's good to have you we wanted you on for a long time yeah i've wanted to be on a long time well we did a we did my pod i had a pod called nervous

rex that i just did to do something during the pandemic and i had him on and i was butt naked on my end of the zoom he didn't know until the very end then i revealed that i was naked so i'm surprised i'm even here very impressive yep look great naked by the way what do you do incredible shape great dong thank you beautiful butthole thank you a great dong oh you saw red rocket yeah fake dong oh it was fake oh yeah i had to fight yeah oh come out and address it so we kept it a secret uh context i did a movie called red rocket where i have full frontal running down the street you're're amazing in the movie. Thank you so much. I appreciate that.

But fake dick because if it was real, it would have to be rated X. So that's the law in America. So not everyone knows that. So if there's any frontal in an American movie, it has to be fake because it's rated R. Got it. So that's how it works. So anytime you've seen like Vito Mortensen. Vigo. Vigo Mortensen. What kind of name is Vigo?

I don't know. That's Italian? Maybe it's Italian. Vigo. Are you talking about Eastern Promises? Is that the one? What was his movie where he hung dong and obviously Mark Wahlberg with the huge fake cock? Pull it up. Anyway. Well how about Kevin Bacon and Wild Things? Is that fake? He had his dick out in Wild Things? Yeah. For no reason to. It was literally

the last scene in the movie and he's just naked in the shower and I was like what? It had his dick out in Wild Things? Yeah, for no reason, too. It was literally the last scene in the movie. And he's just naked in the shower. And I was like, what? It had to be fake. So any time- It's like reparations for all the tits we saw in that movie. They had to show a dick at the end. Just even it out.

But you'd think Ken Bigg would go bigger in that movie. Because if it was fake, you might as well live it up a little. Yeah. It wasn't that big. Yeah, well- No, he looked all right, I think. Really? Yeah.

I was jerking off. I don't remember. I didn't well. He looked all right, I think. Really? Yeah. I was jerking off. I didn't want to. I didn't finish. Wait, what are we shaking back here? Captain Fantastic. Captain Fantastic. Well, that wasn't the dick one, was it? That wasn't the dick one. Oh, that was a good movie, though.

That's what he called it, dick. Great movie. Yeah. But yes, Red Rocket, full dong, couple times flopped it out, but it was definitely still strange running around with a fake penis in the middle of... How did they put that on? Oh, you're right. That's it. It was... Oh, that's probably fake.

That's a nice, decent dong. I mean, it's softy. Because you believe it. It's like Steve Martin has a piece on his head, but it's receding. Right. Genius. Oh, that is from... Okay, so interesting.

Are you going to blur that, Matt? How are we doing this it looks like my dad's i'll tell you the worst part is the tattoo i don't know what the hell is going on there what is he's a hippie dippy right oh have you not seen it's a great movie oh what's it called captain fantastic great movie great movie um so yeah i had to put my penis in a bigger fake penis uh which was just strange because it was a very low budget movie so the director sean baker's wife who was like the acting coach on set because uh most of his movies like uh including florida project tangerine he uses real locals in

each town not actors that's cool so i was like the only actor in the movie who had actually done something before so it was kind of like um yeah working with like a guy he finds on the street, a guy he finds in a restaurant. So low budget. And his wife is an acting coach who would give all of these local hires basically like a 101 in acting before they'd show up on set. And she also had to apply my penis. So acting coach slash penis applier. Whoa. Very low budget movie to put it in perspective it was a million dollar budget for the whole movie oh my god and we just shot an snl

skit and the budget for a three minute comedy video was a million fucking dollars dude i couldn't believe i was just like how is this possible? Wow. And I hit up Sean Baker. I'm like, you're not going to believe. Because I sent him the video. And he thought it was funny. Because the one note that everyone says is Red Rocket's too long. Right. It's two hours and eight minutes.

But every movie's too long these days. So that was sort of Pete's idea. They put the movie inside a longer movie. That's right. Exactly. Yes. So anyway, man, it was very vulnerable to have this very sweet woman who's my friend's wife applying a prosthetic penis over my penis in the hot Texas humidity.

Well, better than it's hot. Yeah, that's true. You don't want the cold weather out there. But we got a good movie out of it. Yeah, the movie's great. Check it out. Dude, I mean, I personally think you should have gotten nominated for an Oscar. That would have been crazy.

It was a weird- Did you feel like you had a shot well only because everybody was all these like oscar pundits is that the word pundit i want to sound smart i think there's oscar predictors whatever like there's people whose whole life revolves around like predicting the oscars you know and there was a lot of buzz that i would or should get nominated but sean baker uh who wrote and directed red rocket was like simon just so you know like the Academy's not going near this movie I mean the topic is me grooming a teenage girl it's very dark it's very dark the story's upsetting for sure yes I mean I love personal it doesn't mean we condone it we're just telling a story but the

Academy's a little older white conservative and they weren and they weren't going to go near it. So I actually, and I know you probably won't believe me if I say this, but we woke up at like 5 a.m. when they announced the Oscar, like, you know, who's nominated. And when I didn't get nominated, I went right back to bed and slept like a baby because I don't know if I'm ready to live under that microscope just yet. No, I'm with you. It scared the shit out of me. And everyone around me wanted it more than me. My mom, my agent, my manager, they all wanted it. I'm like, I don't really know if I even give a fuck.

Yeah. I'll take the Spirit Award all day, and that's kind of more of like, to me, kind of cooler to win the Indie Spirit Award. I don't know. Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm lying to myself. No, I think. You won a good movie, and you got a good movie. That's all I'm saying. I'm lying to myself. No, I think. You want a good movie and you got a good movie. Rotten Tomatoes put you as who should get nominated.

Is that right? Rotten Tomatoes said you should have gotten nominated. Oh, that's cool. Which is like a pretty big movie website. Big site. That's the big. Yeah. The site.

Yeah. Rotten Tomatoes, baby. Sean Baker. What is this? So you said you like tequila. I love tequila. I feel like from what I've seen you do like other podcasts and stuff you do a lot of like health kicks and vibes like that so we made a spicy cucumber

margarita for you today this is so good so you get like a refreshing vibe a little spice get some endorphins rolling not bad now can i ask a question because i hear you i hear you on the show now are you a bartender before? Yeah. You're a Jew? You're a Jew? I'm not a Jew, but I'm a beer Jew. Oh, got it. Got it. Call him that. Like the bear Jew.

Got it. Oh, my God. What is this right here? Is this like- Oh, that's a tahin. So it's like a citrus chili. Oh, my God. They use it in a lot of drinks.

If you've ever had like a michelada or a Bloody Mary, you've probably had this. Yeah. I just recently got into micheladas because I live out in the desert and it's a real staple desert drink. Our Palomas and micheladas are my new jam. And I'm not really much of a drinker, but when I do, this is my... I was going to do a Paloma, but we did it the other episode. We did what?

You nailed it. Palomas. Oh, Palomas are great. Actually, I can still make one for you. Palomas are great. Maybe we'll do the next one. So I... I'm down.

So yeah, what was I just going to say? Fuck, I had something. Oscar we do the next one at home. Hey. I'm down. So, yeah. What was I just going to say? Fuck. I had something. Oscar, Michelada Desert Drink. Michelada Desert Drink. Paloma. I'm not much of a drinker.

Oh, yeah. I was going to say, I'm sure you guys have brought this up before. Is it really a thing that tequila is the only alcohol that's a stimulant? That's what I've heard. I've heard it, too. And every other alcohol is a depressant. Therefore, alcohol being agave, like a cactus cactus not a wheat or a potato yeah for whatever reason and that's what i noticed if i drink tequila i kind of get in a good mood and i'm jazzy and if i drink like

whiskey or i kind of get dark and i think it's my my dad's from like a trailer park in louisiana and that side of the family comes up yeah you know and then my mom's a lithuanian jew so i think the tequila i don't know something about my dna it doesn't agree with me like certain alcohols yeah no i can't drink anything i'm all tequila all day it's better for you the hangover is better and the upper that's what you drink on the road oh yeah i'm tequila all the time tequila soda with a lime and then you won't really get hung over if you just stick if you just stick to tequila with some water like soda water and drink i i've been you know wasted all day and if you don't mix too much sugar and other alcohol you won't be hung over and that's the plan baby i want to ask you

about the movie because you know that's a big dude to get a phone call from because i remember i saw florida project in the theaters with my mom not not knowing what i was walking into we just were like hanging out we wanted to see a movie and i looked it up on rotten tomatoes and it was like 90 something percent all the reviews were like an incredible movie and it wasn't i didn't watch the trailer i like to not know what to go to in a movie that way i watch your trailer going in but like i normally don't watch a trailer uh and i remember leaving being like shaking a little bit it's a pretty powerful movie it's very upsetting yeah he does that well he's good at making disturbing sort of uh little window in on the margins of america

where people usually don't make movies about like you know the sort of the uh yeah the outcasts of society but he kind of what he does so well is like he will shine a light on darker subject matter but kind of make it beautiful and like you know he's very good filmmaker let's just be honest the guy knows what he's fucking doing and i was just so surprised and fortunate he uh he called me to do this movie because it all happened very like the whole thing was a big accident you know the movie wasn't even supposed to get made it happened because of covid he was in pre-production on another movie and basically um he couldn't go to canada to shoot this willem defoe movie so he's like fuck i want to do this other movie i had an idea for so he wrote the

script real quick hit me up he's like can you be in texas uh well i had to audition first on my phone send it to him of course i'm gonna do a movie with him and uh he goes i need you in texas three days did you think you were up against a lot of people i was i found out later there was some like bigger actors but he likes to go against the grain and not choose the obvious big name actors. And I don't know if I should say who, but just, you know, other, you know, middle-aged white guys, my age that were up for it, uh, that wanted it, but he goes, no, because then it would become, then it would become the James Franco movie. Ah, I wanted to go surprise people. And by casting me, because I wasn't really working a lot, I think it was more of a brave choice than just going with a big name who you know is going to make money.

Because he just was like, I don't want it to be the so-and-so movie. I want it to be an artist. He's an artist. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. I don't think my name carries a lot of weight. Or maybe now my stock's up a little because of this movie.

But at the time, he called me up. The phone wasn't ringing at all. Well, your stock went down when I heard that wasn't your real dick. Right. Well, that's just for you, right? Yeah. But it was up for a minute. But the movie's great.

Check out Red Rocket, everybody. What can people watch? Is it streaming on anything yet or no? It's on most video on demands now. It's like on all those, like, you know, iTunes. And it's not, like, streaming on Netflix or Amazon yet. But you can rent it on Amazon in most places. So it's like on all those like you know itunes and it's not like streaming on netflix or amazon yet but you could rent it on amazon in most places so it's available uh and it obviously like did not do well in the box office as we came out the same weekend that omicron uh kind of hit and

spider-man came out that weekend so we had a huge opening. Yeah, Omicron was the remake. So anyway, yeah, we didn't do well in the- Spider-Man was the biggest movie- It killed us. That's crazy. Everyone went to see that with their kids three times. But regardless, that's what Sean Baker told me when we did the movie. He's like, it's not going to make any money. People will see it over a long time.

It's going to be one of those slow burns. And yeah, he was right. But yeah, what a trip time. It's going to be one of those slow burns. Cup classic. Yeah, he was right. But yeah, what a trip. I've been going nonstop. I wanted to do this podcast even earlier, but I was paying a publicist every month for like a six month window of time to sort of help me, you know, parlay that movie into getting, you know, sponsorships, things like that. And they were a little wary of me doing a bunch of podcasts

with my comedy friends because it's so easy to get a little soundbite if i say one dumb thing so you know they know that we have so many clients go on podcast we're just gonna cut up it was a fake dick yeah it was a fake dick well the campaign's over now so i am done with the nine month you know hell yeah rocket thing live your your life. Say whatever you want. Can I suck everyone's dick? Yeah. We got a clip, man. No, that's awesome. I saw a clip of you. It was a round table of

actors and Nicolas Cage was praising you. Dude, that was so weird. So that was one of those things. Yeah, it was weird. So I feel like, okay, like I feel like I got imposter syndrome even calling myself an actor until like this movie because I just feel like, okay, like I feel like I got imposter syndrome even calling myself an actor until like this movie. Same. Because I just feel like a fraud and I'm like, I have low self-esteem and I'm an insecure Jew and I hate myself.

I'm self-tortured. I'm fucking your only child. No one loved me, right? So therefore, I don't really like to think of myself as like, I don't know, I guess I'm extremely self-aware, but maybe to a fault. But when I was sitting at that actor's round table the whole time, I'm like, how did I trick everyone and get here? like uh i don't know i guess i'm extremely self-aware but maybe to a fault yeah but when i was sitting at that actor's round table the whole time i'm like how did i trick everyone and get here this is bullshit i'm not one of these guys who else was it it was me it was uh who'd you just say nicholas cage who fucking stole the show he was just hamming it up the whole time

um what's the other spider-man's name oh toby no the other one oh garfield yeah andrew garfield um peter dinklage whoa i know and then this guy another one whose name escapes me who is uh in a bunch of stuff i can't remember his name right now anyway i'm sure we could find that yeah well sitting at that table i had to just sit there and bite my lip because all i wanted to do was make fun of myself, make fun of the fact that I'm there. But I had to really make a cognizant effort to like pretend, just pretend you belong here for an hour. You're just publicist. I want this publicist.

Yeah, they're great, man. My publicist, you know, they're basically. They're not cheap, by the way. They're not. They're called delusional. They're great. Not a bad name for a narrative. He was praising you. He was saying how great youional. They're great. Not a bad name for a brother narrative. He was praising you.

He was saying how great you were. Yeah, dude. He loved the movie. And he was like, I met him before we recorded. And he comes up. He's like, man, I watched the movie. You guys just made music together. It was so beautiful to watch.

Wow. And I was just like sitting back like, this is cool. It's kind of cool when you get props from people you admire it does feel pretty good like normally you know you get some fan hitting you on twitter this and that that's the nice little compliment but when it's like someone that you grew up watching you're like dude totally i just watched oh there it is like how do i belong because i did one indie movie i get to sit at that table like what is life oh life? Oh, that guy, the black guy. Yeah. What's he from? He's so good in that Western movie. The Western.

It just came out. On Netflix? Yeah, yeah. He's great, man. I forgot his name. Jonathan Majors. Jonathan Majors. That's it.

Was that the one with Idris Elba and everything? Yes. I heard it's awesome. It looked awesome. No, it was really cool. Yeah, super stylized. Like, there'd be like a cool Western shot with like reggae music playing. Yeah.

It was very well made. It was like a black Tarantino. Yeah. I gotta watch watch it it's called a blarentino yeah but that's the part of showbiz nobody tells you about is acting normal around people you grew up watching or whatever like uh i watched the kanye doc and there's a part where bieber is talking to and you can tell bieber is just like uh is it okay i don't want to bother you right kanye's like ah you're good you're good hang out bieber's like yeah yes sir and you're like bieber is just like uh is it okay i don't want to bother you right kanye's like ah you're good you're good hang out bieber's like yeah yes sir and you're like bieber is selling out soccer stadiums he's a giant huge pop star billionaire and he's like nervous around this real artist right right right were you is there anyone else you met during this whole thing that you were

you were nervous around bill murray i got dinner with bill Murray. I know, I know, I know, I know. I didn't, I'm not worthy of this. Like what the fuck, but fuck him, please. I know. So here's a funny story. So I'll tell you, I'll just give you the cliff notes and look, I'm just a hero. Like it really, truly is like, I can't, if you were to name one actor since the SNL heyday, who's just completely had the best trajectory, never fallen off, can do an indie movie and then go do a Marvel movie. He's the best. Truly the best. I mean, I think about just every era he dominated.

Everything. Until now. Rushmore. Right, right. We were talking about what about Bob earlier. We were talking about Groundhog Day. Caddyshack. Dude, I remember with the movie with Quaid, he did Quick Change.

It was a great movie. Oh, great movie. Yeah. So we all agree. We can all agree. He's sort of like on Mount Rushmore of sorts. Okay. So sure. I was it was sort of at the end of Cannes Film Festival.

We were out there. Our movie was nominated for the Palme d'Or, which is like a category. This is all new to me. So I'm explaining it because i didn't know this but at the can film festival which is the oscar of film festivals there's certain uh you know different categories and the main one you want is the palm d'or category that's like the best movies get put in this like 10 movie slot and ours made it into there which in itself is like bucket list shit like just to be in that conversation totally what else is there uh we were there this guy who caleb landry jones won for a lead actor for a movie called nitrum which is martin backwards about the mass shooting in australia a lot of like arthouse indie movies

that are just coming out now or maybe you missed uh we were up against um like uh the one um bill murray was in what's the wes anderson one uh oh french dispatch french dispatch oh yeah so you know you kind of just get a little mix of movies but mostly kind of cool indie movies right so anyway bill murray's there um for that movie and at the very last night after we found out we didn't get you know uh best movie or i was actually somehow in the conversation for best actor which still is just hilarious. We go out to dinner with the woman who was the head of the French distribution company as a surprise to me and Sean Baker, since she felt bad we didn't win, goes, hey, let's go to dinner.

I got a surprise for you. So we're sitting at dinner and Bill Murray shows up. Wow. And at this point, I'm so emotionally and mentally tapped out from like the five days it can of like the circus that was the camp. And you're probably doing a lot of interviews and stuff. Yeah, I'm so emotionally and mentally tapped out from like the five days at Cannes of like the circus that was the Cannes Film Festival. And you're probably doing a lot of interviews and stuff. Yeah, I was just zapped out. I didn't know he was coming.

And I say, hey, Sean, can I get an edible? He brought edibles with him. So I eat an edible because I'm like, we're done. I'm having dinner. And Bill Murray comes. And I'm not only exhausted, but I'm so high. I got nothing. You know when you get too high and you're like locked up.

Oh, totally. And it was like edible high where you're like fucked up and tired. And I'm just sitting there with them. And it was kind of like the roundtable thing. I was just saying, I'm like, act like you belong here. I'm a total piece of shit. He's the best. So I'm sitting there with them.

And he's like feeling that I'm being kind of quiet. So he keeps like slapping me on the knees. Like, so what's up? I'm hearing there with him and he's like feeling that I'm being kind of quiet. So he keeps like slapping me on the knees like, so what's up? I'm hearing about your movie. He's engaging with me being really cool. And we're drinking wine and we're hanging out and he's fucking with the waiter. But in like the coolest way, watching him interact with the world, like he was like improv-ing with everyone. But in this way that was really interesting to watch because people would come up and

bother him. But he would deflect it in this way that was like, these aren't the droids you're looking for right like he was a jedi at dealing with fans yeah i remember just sitting back and i know i was high so i was over analyzing but i was just watching him going take notes learn from this guy he knows how to do it and like we're walking through the streets of can in france and like people are coming up drunk and rowdy and he he literally would just do like a, hey, what's up? And like a spin move off of them and like somehow not bum them out. Or it was magical to watch. Yeah, yeah.

It was magical to watch. But I was just kind of quiet and awkward. So I see him the other night at the Vanity Fair party. And I'm like, redemption time. I got to go talk to him. Right. Yeah. So I go up to him and they had In-N-Out catering. So he was finishing an In-N-Out burger. So I go up to him and they had in and out catering.

So he was finishing an in and out burger. And I roll up to him in my tuxedo and I look at him. I go, hey, Bill, do you remember me? We had dinner in Cannes. And he looks me up and down, takes his burger wrapper, puts it in my inside pocket of my jacket, slaps the pocket. He goes, yeah, we had dinner at a Middle Eastern restaurant and walked away. Like, yeah, but he did it. But again, he did it but again he did it

in a way that was like yeah i remember i'm not gonna hang out with you yeah but you're cool here's a funny little joke i'm out and i was just like wow it was just incredible that's bucket list shit right there holy hell yeah so you know i got to have dinner with bill murray that was a very long-winded answer to your question right that was kind of the best. From there, I'm like, okay, how am I going to top this one? Dinner with Bill Murray in France? Like, all right. Maybe your next movie happens again. You're at the Vanity Fair party again the next night.

And you just have to try to navigate a Groundhog Day-type friendship with Bill Murray. That's your movie. Yes. I'll be Chris Elliott, who's my favorite. I love Chris Elliott. I heard he turned down Dumb and Dumber, Jeff Daniels' role for Dorito's your movie. Yes. I'll be Chris Elliott, who's my favorite. I love Chris Elliott. I heard he turned down Dumb and Dumber, Jeff Daniels' role for Doritos ad campaign. Whoa. Which is crazy because you're like, I mean, obviously Jeff Daniels crushes that movie,

but so would Chris Elliott would have too. He would have too, but now I can't see it any other way because it was so good. Because Jeff Daniels crushes it. He was fucking great. And Chris Elliott, I don't know if you guys are of my, I'm older than you guys by a good decade. Get a Life was when Fox first came out. It was married with children and Get a Life were these experimental sitcoms.

And Get a Life, Chris Elliott played a 30-year-old paper boy. And it was my favorite show. And I used to record them. And I was obsessed because to me, he's the most fearless, comedic, silly guy who's willing to look like a total asshole. I remember Cabin Boy. Cabin Boy. Dude, he's the best. He's honestly one of my favorites there was something with gary goldman i know he our boy gary goldman gary coleman isn't he dead no gary goldman the jewish gary coleman

great stand-up but goldman they had something over a bit and i remember chris elliott called him being like i think you're a great comic so i thought that was like such a cool that's awesome and his daughter is funny too his daughter yeah she's on snl or she was so his nephew is one of the writers who i just met because i shot this skit with pete davidson that uh for like a little rap video and i got to hang out with the movie that was that movies are too long with yeah yes which is which is true uh when he when he pitched it to me i was, I have been having this conversation a lot lately with my friends. Like, when did movies get to be two hours and 40 minutes again? Like, a lot of them are long. I just saw this movie, Red Rocket.

It was two hours and eight minutes. It was ridiculous. That's the one note we got. It's too long. But Sean will stand by the fact. He's like, yes, but every scene pushes the story forward. I needed it. You know.

Yeah, still at the epitope. And in this video, I say to Pete Davidson at the at the end oh well what what about uh king of staten island he's like well it needed it kind of like what i do yeah yeah so he addressed it that's funny uh but wait what were we talking about you're talking about how you were doing the snl thing oh right how that and chris elliott's nephew was one of the head writers and i tell him i go dude like your uncle's like truly one of my inspirational heroes for comedy. And he he's like, well, maybe I could. He's a phone call away.

Let's shoot a skit. What? Yes. That's a bucket list thing to shoot a little skit with Chris Elliott. Whatever it is. I don't know what for. I'm there. Yeah.

What's he doing now? Is he just sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring? No, he's on Schitt's Creek. He's on Schitt's Creek. Oh, I haven't seen Schitt's Creek. One Emmy. Yeah. He's he doing now? Is he just sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring? No, he's on Schitt's Creek, dude. He's on Schitt's Creek. Oh, I haven't seen Schitt's Creek. One Emmy. Yeah, he's the mayor. Oh, great.

All right. Just checking. I want him to be working. He's the mayor of the biggest sitcom bunch or sitcom. I guess it's like a single camera. It's not a sitcom. It just shows how we get rolling in our bubble. I don't even know he was on that.

There's too much shit on it. It's literally like the biggest comedy of the last 10 years. People love it. What about, so how does SNL thing happen? So, okay. the last 10 years people love it what about um so how does snl thing happen so okay so obviously again being a comedy nerd my whole life and just being a stand-up guy uh like going to see stand up all the time and living in new york in the 90s and going to the cellar and watching you know everyone from chappelle to you know burr be closing the place out for 10 people at two in the morning i've been a comedy nerd forever.

So SNL was always a dream. And it's funny how life works. I couldn't even get, you know, that's a tough room to even get in to audition, right? Of course. And as you know, they farm talent and develop talent more than they bring someone on. Besides Kenan from Kenan and Kel, who's on it now, I don't think they ever took an existing famous actor or famous anyone. They kind of create your fame, right? And develop. They don't think they ever took an existing famous actor or famous anyone they kind of create

your fame right and develop they don't really so by the time that i was a v i was a vj on mtv in the 90s i think that window had closed because i had another thing that so they wouldn't even meet with me but it was always a dream so anyway the other day pete davidson calls me up um i only played basketball with the guy once i don't really know him but he got my phone number from my manager he's like dude i watched red rocket three times it's my favorite movie of the year i just think i think that you uh that movie was amazing and i see you live out in the desert um you want to hang out sometime i was like yeah dude sure you seem like a cool guy and we ended up hanging out and he is super cool he just kind

of reminds me of someone i'd hang out with in high school he's a big sweetheart yeah and i think uh he just dug the movie and wanted to hang out so he basically just hit me up he goes can you fly to new york tomorrow and shoot this snl comedy rap skit i know you don't rap anymore but would you do it i was like of course i'll fucking do it just to be a part of snl of course so yeah man and it's a lower pressure thing where you don't have to like host a whole episode you just get to be coming and be funny it's like it's like you're just coming and pinch hit you get a single you're good you know that's it yeah it was a funny thing i watched it because i was i never get out early but these shows but i was in rochester the late show was at like 9 15 so i was in my hotel room just like yeah

fuck it i'll watch snl it's gerardo scene let me watch it oh yeah and i stuck around for years and i bailed after that i was tired but that's all right no you were you were great thanks it was fun um and that do the sorry no no i was gonna say but like you said bucket list shit did you do the party and everything did you do it did you soak it all up of course i went to the after party hung out with everyone and so lauren michaels who i really just wanted to meet just because it's Lorne Michaels. And so he was sort of sat, it was at a restaurant and he sort of was sitting up top and like the King section. And Chris Rock comes by to hang out and Jimmy Kimmel's there.

And I guess this is normal. You know, if anyone's in town, they come to the SNL after party. So I'm there mingling with the writers and I see Kimmel, I say hello. And then I see Chris Rock. I asked the producers, hey, I would love to meet Lorne at some point and thank him because they said he loved Red Rocket, you should meet him. So I wanted to meet him,

but then I see him and Chris having like a deep talk at the table in like the big boy section. And of course they're talking about the slap hurt around the world. And I didn't wanna, I just kinda like, I didn't wanna just go interrupt them and be like, hey, thanks for having me. Sorry to interrupt Chris Rock. I kind of just realized, just leave them alone.

So I didn't get to meet him. But it's all good. Ah, you'll meet him. You'll meet him. I met him once. He looked right through me. But at least I got to say I met him. What happened?

I was at the after party. I can't remember who I was there with. Che or Colin Jost or somebody. And then Lorne came up to talk to Colin. And he was like oh this is mark and lauren's like yeah and then he kept talking but i got i got a meat you gotta meet he's got a huge dick dick big dick oh yeah yeah i can see what yeah for sure he shook my hand oh that means big dick that's a is that right i mean big hands big dick right isn't that mathematically i heard it was a fake oh yeah he uh it's crazy that he's dr evil i know right that's right isn't that crazy that mike myers is like i'm dr evil is lorne if you watch you're like he's just doing lorne yeah

one million dollars yeah it's all it's all first austin powers is not talked about enough as a killer one of the great comedy movies ever we need more comedies man i was just talking about this with pete he's like what happened to the buddy comedy what happened to like and i was like let's do one and bring it back yeah come on like what happened to anything like you and peter too you your vibes are too but you're both cool is a problem one of you needs to be a loser i could play a dork you can play a dork but but i just miss even like scary movie airplane naked gun david i was and i got to experience uh working with david zucker who again like molded me as a child watching that sounded weird that sounded weird it's groomed he groomed you i think you can tell

who's the loquacious one here because i still have half a drink or who's the alcoholic here uh i uh this is what bert did to us when he was on our show he goes catch up take it time oh easy rex you don't want to go don't push it don't push it well you guys gotta understand i'm such a fan of both of you guys i want to make it weird i listen to every single i spent 78 of my last year of the pandemic pretty much in solitude in hotel rooms airplanes uh traveling around promoting this movie but like you guys i live in hotel rooms alone yeah and i don't have a lot of friends or a girlfriend so what do i do i listen to podcasts to sort of talk to someone or something right so i listen to all your guys shit and end up talking back to it as if we're

hanging out so you're dropping a peeve you're dropping a wreck i'm not only getting the wreck man i'm downloading the book that you recommend oh yeah i even went as far as to get one you recommended that was uh what what was his name um bernie brilston yes you mentioned oh yeah he started he wrote that to me and that was your wreck and then the norm mcdonald audio book Incredible. I don't think you guys wrecked that one. No, but I have that. Oh, my God. Incredible.

He's such an incredible writer. I know. It's not just funny. It's his story, and he writes it like a film noir. Like a Hunter S. Thompson book. Yes. Yeah, yeah, it's great. Boy, I wish you were my dad.

This is great. You're really... You said something about the buddy comedy. I agree so much. I really think it's one of the most fun types of movies, and I don't know what happened. There's a few in the last decade or so that I think were killer. Nice Guys and The Guard.

Oh, yeah. That's The Guard. They're both Don Cheadle and Brendan Gleeson. It's a John Michael McDonough movie. It's phenomenal. Really? All right. That's a wreck.

That's a wreck, baby. Nice Guys is another one with Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling. I love that movie. Shane Black, dude. I mean, but that is like the best. That's like a genre that should never not work. It's the odd couple, but with action. And where?

Yeah, exactly. Like Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker. Rush Hour is amazing. Rush Hour is an amazing movie. And he says the N-word quite a bit. Yeah. Jackie Chan. Oh, does he? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And he says the N-word quite a bit. Yeah. Jackie Chan. Oh, does he?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And it's fun. It's great. It's great. The N-word can be fun. That's all I'm saying. This is the clip of the episode.

They're like, Simon, you're out of contention for any awards. Right now, Michael Richards is like, I don't know. I don't know. So going backwards a little bit to the scary movie spiel, David Zucker, Airplane Naked Gun, scary movie, to get to work with Leslie Nielsen. And I got to work with the gods. I think I sent you guys a couple of things when we opened up a little line of dialogue because you had mentioned something about Leslie Nielsen.

And I was telling you his fart story. He had the fart machine. He'd go around as a 80 year old guy playing fart pranks on people with a remote control fart machine and he started as like a shakespearean actor yeah yeah leslie nielsen he was like a well uh what do you call it a respected serious dramatic actor so david zucker told me and i think this is what i told you guys he goes he came into audition for naked gun and he's delivering the lines comedically we go no no no no read it like you did in all your dramatic movies and he just read the line seriously and he said they fell on the floor laughing and he's like that's all i gotta do

they're like yeah just say it normal it's funny and and he just like oh i got it and then that was basically his career people oversell jokes and it's funny how you could you could be saying something funny and it strips the funny out of it yeah it's like a joke on a joke it takes away from it which is which is interesting too because david zucker gave me the 10 rules of comedy in a movie that him his brother and jim abrams was the other writer yes they wrote the 10 rules of comedy it's like like a Bible. And for that type of movie, there's a formula that you have to abide by. And if you go outside of these 10 rules, the jokes won't work. One of them was you can't have two jokes happening at once.

So if you're watching Naked Gun and they're in the front and they're having dialogue and in the back, there's some shenanigans happening like someone's getting stung by a bee. If they're being funny in the front, it cancels out the joke in the back. So there's all these little specific rules like that. I'll get you guys the list. Please. But it's only applied to his type of movie. Not every movie. Just the spoof genre. You know, the parody type movie.

Because they parodied like Police Squad was like a spoof of like a police show. Naked gun of a detective. Police Squad has some of the best one-liners ever oh yeah like uh like a blind man at an orgy i'm gonna have to feel my way around and delivered perfectly uh like a midget of urinal i was gonna have to stand my toes yeah so good so good uh i heard a charlie chaplin once in an interview or somewhere an article and they were like all right let me try to be funny let me try to be fun i'll come up with a creative scene like the interviewer guy and he was like

okay we got a manhole in the middle of the street you walk up you fall in it that's comedy right and charlie chappell's like no no comedy is i walk up see the manhole a guy walks by he falls in it wait hold on i fucked that up give that a google i that's out there but i've heard you tell this before no it's okay but maybe most 72 percent of listeners haven't i know this one but yeah but it was just like it's about the misdirect you think you think you know it and then you don't know it and that's what it is and that's comedy that's comedy baby maybe maybe he steps on it and then like you know or something oh i. Oh, I got it. I got it. You jarred it.

Yeah. So it's a street with a manhole. Charlie Chapman's walking to the manhole and gets hit by a car. That's comedy. You'd think he's going to fall in the manhole, but it's a surprise. There you go. There it is. So, dude, scary movie. That was a Weinstein movie, right?

Yes, that was a weinstein movie right yes that was the that was the weinstein so uh it's still not really clear to most people and i always clear the air so basically the wayans brothers did scary movie one and two yeah then they had a falling out with the weinsteins and they wanted a very large amount of money so the weinsteins being the gangsters that they are go fuck you we're gonna go hire david zucker and take your story and make it better damn and that's what they did well that's up to the audience to decide if it's better but they basically were like we own this now i know you created scary movie did they still get paid off i'm sure they must have got some type of commission i don't know but regardless the

weinsteins were just like but they're like such a fuck you to them. They're like, we're going to go hire David Tucker to take your idea. I can't believe the Weinsteins did something bad. I know. It's unbelievable. Yeah, right? And yeah, so that was a Weinstein movie. And whenever Bob or Harvey would come down to set, everyone kind of changed their tune. It was like this comedy set that was all silly and funny from Kevin Hart to Anthony Anderson.

I got to work with George Carlin. He was in Scary Movie 3. I forgot that. Yeah, he was in it. So I didn't have a scene with him. But when I saw he was on the call sheet, I went to work that day. And I wasn't even working just to watch him work. And Carlin was there.

And he was just kind of quiet. And again, don't pet the lion. Just observe it. I didn't bother him. But it was cool just to be on set with fucking Carlin. Wow. I know. That's like a bucket list one right there. See, you're like a comic. observe it i didn't bother him but it was cool just to like be on set with fucking clark i know that's like a bucket list one right there see you're like a comic you're like us where you you have low self-esteem and you you appreciate good shit whereas other people just go i'm the

man i should be carlin should be beating me no you don't have that i hate myself and i uh such as that it's having the awareness to not like i don't want to like i never want a story where it's like i meet someone i look up to and I ruin it. Like that to me is – if I meet them and it's just like, hey, I just want – it would be quick. Like I just want to tell you I really admire your work. That's the most I'm going to – I don't want a story with them that's negative. That would be horrible. Right, right.

Which often happens. You'll meet your heroes. You're like, I wish I never met them. Fuck, it ruined it. I know. But yes, that's – I hear you guys talk about this a lot too with your peeves about sort of, I think like, it's like half the population just truly isn't self-aware of like the things they're saying and doing.

It's like the asshole that lands on the plane. There's always this guy when the plane lands and everyone turns their phone on, the one guy is just talking as if he's alone in his living room and you're hearing his whole business yes and you're like dude we're right here like i'm so neurotic that my phone goes on like i gotta call you back around people i don't want to that's a mentally ill person who does that i don't know that's a ceo or some shit there's something wrong yeah but to be like hey steven i'm like this is how long is how loud you're talking i know in public no it happens all the time though all the time i see it all every flight basically and then you Yeah, but to be like, hey, Steven, I'm like, this is how loud you're talking? I know. In public?

No, it happens all the time, though. All the time. I see it every flight, basically. And then you're kind of jealous of them, too. You're like, boy, I wish I had a little of that in me. Yeah, well, that's exactly right. If I had that, I probably would be a lot more successful. Yeah.

I would be on top, but instead I don't want to bother anyone. Right. Like, I'm such a fucking, like, I don't want to say I'm such a nice guy, but I'm so over thoughtful and Jewish that when I was shooting the SNL skit the other night, I had a driver waiting for me for six hours. And Pete was like, hey, why don't you just come with me after to my place and we'll hang out and have a beer after work. So I tell the producer at SNL, like, you should let my car go because I'm going to go with Pete and you're just wasting money. And they're like, it's OK, Simon. NBC Universal. We got the

money like we're spending a lot of money on this video but i truly felt bad that they were wasting no i do the same and i'm like let him go home he's getting paid don't worry about it and then and and then even further i did this when pete called me he goes you went to the car and you sucked his dick because you felt bad i felt bad. I felt bad for the guy. You're waiting a long time. Yeah, it's ridiculous. So I basically got a call very last minute to come do this SNL job. And he goes, just book your flight in your hotel. We'll pay you back. I don't want to assume they're flying me first class.

Right. I buy myself a coach ticket and I get the cheapest hotel in Chinatown. I get here, they go, Simon, why did you get here? You're my guy. I was like looking in the mirror here. Dude, and I was like, why didn't one expect any? They go, Simon, we have so much money to throw.

They're like, we're flying you home first class. I'm like, thank you, but I didn't want to expect anything. Right. Like I felt bad. I get it. But they're like, Simon, we have so much fuck you money. Like, don't worry about it. If we ever work again, like we'll fly you first class.

I'm sitting in coach. And I just sort of- You're what, 6'3"? I'm 6'2 1⁄2". It's not fun sitting in coach. Well, it's not, but I did splurge, and I got the extra leg room in the front. Oh, easy there, two-faced. Who do you think you are, Sinatra?

This might be why you guys got on the train. All right. I don't want to impose. I don't want to push it. I'm going to Auschwitz, but this is the extra leg room on the way on the train. I don't want to impose. I don't want to push it. I'm going to Auschwitz, but this is the extra leg room on the way to the train. Do you think I could get another one of these bad boys? Yeah, what are you doing? Come on!

The guy's thirsty. Cucumber and alcohol is an amazing combo, by the way. It's so true. It's so good together. So yeah, I'm that guy, but I need to start maybe I think we're the idiots. Maybe. Why?

Who cares about NBCUniversal? They'll spend it and write it off anyway. Why do I care about? But we're considerate. No, but also, first off, if they're asking you to fly to New York and be on SNL, it's crazy for them to not fly you first class. I just don't. Yeah. No, I'm the same way i mean i

remember i did uh i did what's the show accord in la they're not covering the ticket i was like well i'm gonna be i'm gonna be there anyway yeah they didn't cover the plane ticket it's cbs yeah it's good stand up on their show it's crazy but i mean i was there anyway but yeah it's crazy it's crazy yeah they gave you a hotel i hope i don't think they did wow they expected you to be a local out of la or something when you shot it or maybe i mean whatever i mean but that's how i saw this too i'm like okay even if i come out of pocket 500 bucks out of my own money that's a good investment to do snl are you kidding me like i'm just that's a hilarious reason to not do snl no for sure no i That's how I feel.

I'm like, I'm going to be out there anyway at the TV spot. Right. But it is crazy when corporations this big. I'm like, you're not going to spend, you can't buy a flight? I'm on your show, cunts. Yeah, it's insane. I took a flight from Florida two days ago. I got recognized on the flight.

I'm in a middle seat. And some guy goes, hey, I'm a fan. I'm like, oh, yeah. And he goes, middle seat? I'm like oh yeah and he goes middle seat i fucked up i i got low self-esteem what are you gonna do yeah um i kind of relate to you guys because i did a sort of a i did this comedy rap persona for years that's the thing i did for snl was this character called dirt nasty and i basically lived the life of a comic i would fly from you know reno to to portland stay in a shitty hotel you know watch tv until 11 o'clock and go do an hour set basically but it was like a musical comedy

act yeah but i lived the life of like a struggling comic and i remember reading in steve martin's autobiography about how he'd get home from a set and he would just be buzzing he'd be so tired but the energy of the room he's just staring at the ceiling yeah hotel room alone like having this magic kind of feeling that you can't share with anyone and you're just in a room alone i'm like i totally relate to your life and uh i feel like being in the trenches and going through the country and like performing live is the most magical cool fucking thing but god damn does it fucking beat you up it wears traveling the drinking the socializing like i'm 47 now like we have to you have to manage a socializing if if you want this career because if you if you hang out with everyone in every city

you're you're not gonna last long you gotta you gotta pick and choose tonight to rest tonight thank you so much hey man i remember those songs my dick was a banger yeah that was a that was a big song that was big yeah that was a big dick it went platinum actually and that was crazy my my music manager called i just feel like i'm bragging i'm sorry no that song was people know that song that's a big dick yeah so that song pull it up so uh my dick cost a late night fee Yo dick got the HIV I remember that Play a clip Matt People know the song

We never did a music video so this is the only video It's like still photos Went straight to DVD. So that's Andre Legacy. Looks like a little kid. So it's Mickey Avalon, Andre Legacy, and me. Damn. And this is me right here.

This one's me. That's me. Locked in a cage, right? Yo, dick. Subbing through stage, right? My dick. So hot and stolen. Yo, dick.

Look like Gary Coleman. My dick. Yeah, we get it. Your dick look like Gary Coleman. My dick. Yeah, we get it. That's two Gary Coleman references already. So that song, who came up with, we got dicks like Jesus. Who came up with that line? I can't remember. But I do remember the guy with the deep voice.

He's Andre Legacy. He's sort of like the gruff kind of guy on the song. I remember him coming over, because I make music as a hobby. He was like, let's do a song called My Dick. And I remember going, let me guess what it's about. He's like, no, no, hear me out. I'll be like, my dick, blah, blah, blah, yo dick. And I go, that's the worst idea ever.

So to shut you up, I'm going to make a beat in five minutes. That's the one that goes platinum. That's the one that became my whole hit. So you made this beat? I made the beat. The beat is catchy as hell. Thank you i've read an article about you it was i don't know if it was new yorker in new york magazine or something with the woman interviewing you like she was kind of like rolling her eyes a little bit and by the end she could tell she really liked you and she was

like she even mentioned the song my dick she was like look i don't love the lyrics but i can't deny it's a fucking banger yeah dude you can't deny it uh it's a catchy one um it is and i remember actually we worked with this like when we got signed to interscope records uh all of a sudden we're working with these like record executives and like you know all these big producers coming on board and they actually if anything they kind of sabotage what worked which was it was me and my two friends fucking around in my spare bedroom yeah and then once all of a sudden you put us in the big studio with the big producers the magic's gone it's like yeah it was no longer three guys fucking around making each other laugh it was like there's expectations a budget show show up here at

eight o'clock and make something magic it's like wait we were just fucking around we don't know what we're even doing yeah dudes in suits and clipboards like here's what doesn't work about your day no but one of them goes you know before we out, they go, there's a lot of holes in my dick. I was like, yeah, that's the best one. That was the best. He didn't even realize what he said. We're just like, oh, that's fucking weird. Your dick's a little flimsy.

Or my dick, sorry. It's so catchy, though. I mean, were you going out to bars and clubs that would just be on and you'd be like this is hilarious yeah it's i mean it definitely was sort of like uh our fan base was a very collegiate frat house suburban white kind of like rowdy crowd so we would go do shows and uh to this day people like that song just sort of has legs because i think someone will always be 19 years old and think that's funny that they're saying my dick you know what i mean it's just like it's foreverly immature um but it went platinum about four years ago my music manager calls me up and he goes i got a surprise for you come by the office and i come

by the office and he holds up a plaque one million units sold he goes it took us 15 years but you're a platinum artist wow so i got the plaque but i i'm so i'm i also can't hang it on the wall because i feel like i'm bragging so it's just in my storage bin but i got a this is what jewish rappers are like they're like i'm gonna put it in the attic i don't want to i don't want to brag and i live in a tiny fucking shoebox of a place so you wouldn't be able to escape the brag it's just you're in the desert i live in joshua tree yeah because i did your podcast too and i remember it was like i was like wait where are you yeah it was on zoom yep that's right you live in joshua we both did i'm pretty close i yeah i uh i moved out to the desert right before covet hit uh coincidentally happened to move to

the middle of nowhere for the pandemic it was just good timing i just after being in san francisco new york and la for my whole life i think i just fucking talk about peeves human beings started really annoying me and i was like this isn't good everyone's annoying maybe i'm got the problem here right so anyway i was like i couldn't stand like la the energy in la as you guys know i'm sure you're you guys live here you know la is just sort of this fucking vortex of narcissistic delusional weird energy and like after 20 fucking years i was like i can't be in la anymore but i need to be close enough to where if the phone rings for work i gotta be around so i'm not moving to costa rica but so i basically just moved out to joshua tree where you can still

afford to buy like a little piece of land to have a little humble little house but I'm in nature I just wanted to be in nature away from everybody midlife crisis shit damn yeah so I did it I moved out in the middle of nowhere good for you like half the time you know I live on the road half the time but you're gonna stay in LA you think I'm gonna have to get a place eventually back in LA but I was thinking about coming to New York but then after about a week here I'm like I don't know if I could do New York either everyone's fucking great it's a lot and i did it you text me that some guy was fucking with you on the street oh yeah some dude pulled out of oh that was crazy

some guy that was crazy i was walking down the street and some guy's rapping a song and i just was in a good mood so i rapped along with him just thinking like i know that song and then he looks at me goes i i kill white people and i go oh boy and i forget what i responded with i think i laughed or something and then um just something about being jewish or something oh yeah oh yeah that's what that's what it was i go i'm not white i'm jewish uh thinking that would help yeah yeah right and that always lessens the blow and then he said something like i'm i forget where he said he was from but he didn't like he said i'm a palestinian or something like that and then all of a sudden he beelines it over to a car and starts going like he's looking for a weapon what and i'm hiding behind a car and

he's come it became the whole chicken around the thing and i'm like from this guy and i was like jesus christ i just walk out of the hotel and already i'm about to get murdered for being a white jew and whatever yeah you're just trying to rap yeah i was trying to rap with the guy so i was like yeah that's right new york you gotta just not don't don't get too uh involved with the crazy just let it be you know it's like don't look them in the eyes don't let's like that whole deal but you're you're a good looking single fun tall cup of jizz thanks cool guy a successful guy and you're single you must be cleaning up i mean my i remember my ex-girlfriend when i was really young was watching felicity and you fucked felicity yeah i did and she was like he's so hot oh my god this is years ago so i got a beef but but uh i mean you must just uh you know clean up out there well i used

to when i was hornier and younger now i am a little freaked out by just like hook in this day well for not even just because of the culture that we're in but also i just don't have the time in it i liken it to uh standing in line at the uh at disneyland right like when you're a kid you'll stand in line for three hours for a 30 second ride the older you get you're looking at that line like that's a great analogy i don't want to wait you know what i'm saying yeah son for four hours for a quick like also i'm in orlando right exactly it's a bummer yeah right but i just it's just not to me as you get older it's just not like you're doing the math like as you get older the prefrontal cortex is evolved enough to fast forward the tape a day yeah i want to be with this person tomorrow in bed awkwardly not worth it you know it's so true it took me a very long time to get to that place but now i'd rather just go home

and rub one out and not deal with a human being and it works it works you're like oh my god you come and you're like oh my god if a person was here i would be miserable yeah i made the right choice yeah exactly i mean but i feel like this this movie has opened up a lot for you like you're gonna be in a lot of stuff coming up oh yeah like this is i feel like the next couple years are gonna be the year uh the years of simon it might be it's weird i fucking steven spielberg called me in for an audition i know i know i went to audition for fucking spielberg i know but fuck him again i feel like i'm bragging i hate this shit but it's so cool it's like i'm sharing the story because this is so it's almost like it's not even happening i'm watching this movie happening

then it's not even me right uh but yes sp, Spielberg, I get a call the other day. So anyway, I do the audition and they write me back and say, you're not right for this role, but you did a good job and we look forward to reading you again in the future. Okay. So it wasn't a failure in the sense that I'm on the radar and I didn't bomb it, which is enough, right?

That's huge. But the fact that Steven fucking Spielberg even saw this little movie I did in Texas a year and a half ago, it's like, what the fuck? Wow. It's hard to even understand. And then the other night I was in LA and I was presenting an award at the Producers Guild Awards. It's not televised, but it's a very insider Hollywood thing.

And I remember showing up and I go, whoa, this is a heavy room. I look at the table next to me and it's Spielberg, Lucas, Jon Favreau. Is that how you pronounce it? Favreau. Favreau. Jon Favreau. You know, the biggest in the fucking world. And I'm just looking at the table going, oh my God, that's Star Wars.

That's Raiders of the Lost Ark. That's E.T. That's the new Star Wars. Like it doesn't get much bigger than that table right there. Iron Man. Yeah, exactlyiders of the Lost Ark. That's E.T. That's the new Star Wars. Like, it doesn't get much bigger than that table right there. Iron Man. Yeah, exactly. Like, the biggest shit. And I was just like, again, feeling that thing of like, why am I here?

Like, how did I get in this room with these guys? So I'm backstage and I'm about to present an award for best reality programming to RuPaul and I'm backstage as George, as Steven Spielberg is giving a lifetime achievement award to George Lucas and giving this incredible speech 10 minutes long saying you were always you know the other director me and you had a friendly competition but you're

the best and we made each other better and I'm backstage like I gotta follow this and give out a fucking RuPaul like and there's some other actors like good luck following that and I got to follow this and give out a fucking RuPaul. And there's some other actors like, good luck following that. And I had to go read some horribly written joke that the teleprompter. Something about Jada Pinkett Smith?

No, this was before. This was before that. And I remember after the joke bombed, I just took a dramatic pause and I quickly said, I didn't write that joke. got a laugh in the room so it diffused it a little i was like all right i save faith but it was still one of those things like how the fuck do i walk on the stage after this speech like what yeah well you love movies you grew up loving movies so you've ever i mean mark and i are the same way where we we thought you listen we talk about movies all the time like it's yeah it always comes back to movies it distracts us from life it's like it's our escape it's like we know we do the road and shit you do the same thing we're in the hotel room a movie's on we're like i'm saved are you guys reader do you read a lot of books or

do you find that you'll read a book and you can't i can't retain the information so much i'll read a book and think i'm smart and then i don't remember much of it at all really i don't retain information very well yeah uh i like i like good books i if i if i pick up a good one i sometimes if it's something it's all about like what interests me like my i have bad add so if it's something that i'm into i'm i'm done with it in like two days but if it's something that i'm bored if it's something that doesn't naturally interest me as much i have to do the audiobook and i'll do it i'll walk if it's something that i can like really be into right then i'll be i can i'll do the kindle so this is a good segue what's a wreck for a book there you

go well i i just wrecked in cold blood i love that what's that uh it's capote it's about uh that was a recent episode i think yeah what else uh i'm doing the audio book it's like 60 hours it's long with robert moses the power broker it's great but it's like it's tougher it's like 60 hours so this will be my walk I do one one like Kindle and one and then I what else am I yeah the Brillstein book was my big book that I read and then I'm halfway through Sapiens

which I know is that's anyone I read it I don't remember anything under my head I couldn't tell you one thing from that book but I remember reading it going this is incredible it's incredible yeah and now I'm reading his second one Yo from that book, but I remember reading it going, this is incredible. It's incredible. Yeah. And now I'm reading his second one, Yoel Nariv or whatever his name is. There's another one that's not a sequel because it's not a fucking novel, but he has this other one that's...

Yeah, he's a beast, that guy. Yeah. He's incredible. He's a smart Jewish man. Yeah. He makes it like this crazy... It's like caveman to hunter-gatherer to normal society and he makes it accessible. Yeah, yeah. It's great. It's like the secret for men right you know like we dudes like it because it just be very cut and dry very

black and white factual shit can i insert a peeve please so speaking of uh i love that you listen to this by the way oh remember i emailed you 20 peeves just to get them off my chest you're like hey you're like you're like thanks cool i sent you a list i don't remember oh i emailed you 20 peeves just to get them off my chest? You're like, thanks, cool. I sent you a list. I don't remember. Oh, I emailed you a list. Dude, hit me. Peeve me, baby.

But speaking of, you just kind of touched on it. Like the secret, right? The new age bullshit. For whatever reason, I have a real hard time when people feel that they discovered spiritual enlightenment from a self-help book and think they're better than you. And they act sanctimonious because they read the secret. Yeah, yeah. When in reality, it's such bullshit that whole like um it's like god it's like uh i don't know what i think the secret is just basically a repackaged uh branded version of

the power of positive thinking it's like yeah you could think positive all you want until you have a fucking root canal that you need done you at the end of the day sometimes you need to just get the white man medicine in you and just thinking about it ain't gonna fucking make it go away and i'm around so much of that shit in la being from san francisco with hippie parents i'm around so much of that that new age bullshit sort of thinking that woo woo shit yeah it drives me fucking crazy because they think that they found the truth and they act better than you when the reality is it's really not based in any you read one book yeah that one book and now you know the secret like yeah i don't i don't know sometimes you're right you need a doctor yes it's all bullshit also there is there are scientific studies that shows that say cursing will help pain i've heard

that where you're like say fuck and you're like that actually helps yeah because sometimes you're in fucking pain right exactly yeah daniel tasha has that great joke which i think about all the time he goes uh he's talking to some lady in la some model she goes i'm not religious but i'm spiritual and he goes well i'm not honest but you're interesting that is a brilliant joke damn he's good he's good yeah he had some he had some bangers back in the day when he opened up his special in san francisco going the amount of butt fucking going on within a 10 square mile radius. But it was the way he said it. And I'm from San Francisco.

And I was like, he got it. We Might Be Drunk is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Relationships take work. A lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care about. We'll go out of our way to treat other people well. But how often do we give ourselves the same treatment? For me, working out or buying some new sneakers is an investment in myself.

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Check out Fanimal and experience more. Support the show and get $20 off your first purchase with the code DRUNK at fanimal.com, F-A-N-I-M-A-L.com. Get on it! There's a lot of butt fucking going on in San Francisco. One of the best cities ever. It's a great city, man. I love it.

That's a city I could just walk around for. I mean, if you're a New Yorker or a city guy, it's the only real city in California. Like, L.A. kind of downtown, I guess, is like an urban. Well, that's fucked. It's like fucking Mad Max down there. And then San Diego is sort of just a washed-down version of L.A. kind of downtown, I guess, is like an urban. Well, that's fucked. It's like fucking Mad Max down there. And then San Diego is sort of just a washed down version of L.A. So San Francisco.

I like San Diego. You don't like it? To me, it's just L.A. without the edge. I mean, it's nice. Don't get me wrong. But it's just sort of boring and kind of cookie cutter. And there's not a lot of. Culture?

Yeah. Not a lot of culture. But San Francisco, it's like New York. You get everything. Gay, black, white. You name it. Like we got it all. Yeah. So I think it's like New York. You get everything. Gay, black, white, you name it. We got it all. So I think it's a good place to grow up.

Good food. Good food city. Good looking city. Good sports city. Good looking city. But the least attractive women in the country. Is that right? San Francisco, for being the most aesthetically beautiful city, has the least amount of attractive women.

And I'm just speaking honest and shallow. I don't know. I'm from New Orleans, man. There are ghouls and goblins down there. Right, that's true. You guys might have us beat, but for like California, you know. Right, right.

It's like, where are they all going? I think my opener in Buffalo, by the way, was I just got on Tinder, and every woman here looks like Artie Lang. So, what the hell is going on? Who is that? That's funny. That was me.

Oh, your opener. I thought you meant your opening act. Is Artie still sober? Is he doing good? You know, I haven't talked to him in so long. It's tough. I feel like we were pretty good friends. Right.

It's like, I don't know what he's doing. We love Artie. He changed his number. He always changes his number because I think of, you know, drug stuff. Right. And the pandemic's tough on people with, oh man, I watched so many people that had so many years sober just fucking the pandemic. Yeah.

Motherfucker. But I digress. I don't want to start talking about the fucking pandemic. But. Yeah, yeah. No, but we love you already. I mean, he's a guy that, like, someday I would love to have on this. But also, I kind of, like, I worry that having him on this stuff is what gets him out and the next gets him going to the next thing.

Right. But also, it's like, god damn, he's like, is there anyone better on radio ever right he's fucking amazing i went he had a show years ago i was a guest on i remember he said something that stuck out we were talking about show business and he was just like it's a fucking lottery like about making it in show business like it's like going to vegas and expecting to hit the jackpot that's what la is just filled with sort of everyone thinks that they should be a movie star. But there's only so few seats at the table and there's so much talent out there and so little room for people. And he was basically just saying it's a fucking lottery, dude.

And he's right. Yeah, there is talent. But it's really like who, you know. Yeah. Right place, right time. Do you happen to have a there's just so many factors that go against you so when people ask me like hey i want to get into show business i say dude i wouldn't recommend this to my worst enemy don't look at me as like i just got lucky

you know what i mean like and it's not just luck it's it's are you likable are you attractive are you the right look are you the right look for the time like david tell is the funniest guy we know he should be doing arenas if you go off funny talent right but he's not he's not the the right package that they need well even bumping mike's the uh the show he he did uh with jeff which was their funny duo where they're just roasting and they made it a netflix show and for whatever reason it just doesn't translate as well as seeing him live like of course is just the fucking best and it's like the who you watch the who uh video the who is not the same as seeing the who right i picked a weird band no i get it who yeah uh world health organization so he's uh but yeah i mean he's

like we were talking about this the other day at snl we were like what comics do you like and i was like we're saying who should be on mount rushmore. And you could make your argument that Attell could be up, maybe not fame-wise, but best comics. Oh, he's not mine. Oh, easily, easily. I mean, the guy's brain is just. David Attell is probably my favorite comedian of all time. I mean, right?

And that's what every comic says. It's pretty unanimous. I don't think anyone's funnier than David Attell. Nobody's funnier. I don't think, like, he reminds me, attell nobody's funnier i don't think like he reminds me like anytime i have a bit that has like a little too much opinion in it i'm like i watch dave do a joke that's just a joke and i'm like oh that's comedy yeah we're entertainers dave reminds me like there's such humility in what he does right and it's not just to be that

just purely funny without any message there's so much humility right it's kind of beautiful dave is a fucking comic genius he really is he's savant he's so fast like so fast so fast like every time something comes up like on stage or whatever anything like what kind of family brings a kid to the comic cuban okay like he's fucking like he's so quick all the time i saw what do what do you do i'm sure i He's amazing. What do you do? I'm sure I've said this joke. What do you do? The guy goes, I work for Nickelodeon.

He goes, no wonder I'm hard. I'm quick. It's silly. He is the best. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, it's always, this comes back to movies and a tell every episode. Well, we love him.

I mean, and we really do love Dave. And he's not just a great comic, but he's such a good person on top of it. Yeah, that too. So it makes us love him even more. He's that's great he was i remember when i first met him in the 90s when i lived in new york he was uh he was hitting the sauce and uh i remember him kind of going back and forth and uh smoking a pack of cigarettes and you'd see him out front like you know he's like the fucking he's truly a god and uh you know you know it was like that was another guy you don't want to bother like i've seen him even recently in new york and i want to go say hi because i've met him but i'm just like just leave the fucking guy right what am i

gonna say to him you know i know i met i met uh larry david who's like my one of my heroes of all time and i said hello he was like where you are are? I was like, hello. He goes, hello. I go, hey, nice to meet you. And I went back to my shit because I knew I wanted to blow him. I wanted to be all over him and go, hey, I know everything you've ever done, blah, blah, blah. But out of respect, I kept it quick. I saw him the other night and wanted to say something to him. I didn't. I left him alone.

But I got a funny quick story about him, if you want to hear it. Where did you see him? First of all. At the Vanity Fair Oscar party. Oh, wow oh wow he was at the bar kind of holding court and cracking jokes and i wanted to just like hang out but yeah it was that was like a really heavy party because it's like that's the big oscar party that everyone's at so it was just it was like who did you see will smith i didn't but it's funny because he came and there's all the video him dancing and celebrating and And I somehow missed him.

It was a big event. And I guess I wasn't in that zone. But real quick, I saw him at... Wait, who are we talking about again? Larry David. I saw Larry David at the golf course in LA. This is why you can't retain books, by the way. That was 10 seconds.

It went by. It's fucking bad. And the booze might add. I smoked a lot of weed as a kid. So I see him at this golf course in L.A. that's sort of a public par three cheap course. And you could buy a bucket of balls for $11. What's he doing there? He golfs.

So I guess he was at the driving range. It's like a local spot. You could go for 30 minutes and hit some balls. So I see him in front of me and and the old lady doesn't recognize it. It's Larry David, and I'm standing behind him in line getting a bucket of balls. And I hear him say to her, this is straight out of the show, he goes, why do you charge $11 for a basket of balls? And she goes, what do you mean, sir?

It's been $11 for a long time. He goes, yeah, but then I give you a 20. I got to get a 5 and 4 ones. Why not just make it 10? And he is arguing with the lady about the fact that it's 11, not 10. He's a millionaire. And I'm like, why is nobody seeing this but me? This is right out of the show.

He's bitching about a dollar to the lady and she doesn't know who he is. It was the best. And then Seinfeld's behind him. He's like, and why do they call it driving? I'm not driving. I'm swinging. Yeah, baby. Yeah, I saw him at the same wedding I was at, Schumer's wedding.

I was so mad I missed that, dude. He was in line driving. We had to wait in line for the valet or whatever it was. And so his car just happened to be in front of mine. I got so lucky. Or maybe it was and so his car was just happened to be in front of mine i got so lucky or maybe it was behind mine but either way i could see into his car and the the young hip black guy's got the clipboard like all right sir and you could see him going like you know in the car and then his daughter what is it kazzy david who are we talking about i'm just kidding

it was like a curb episode where he was like can you believe this guy and i could i could see the whole thing in my head and hear all the dialogue and just hear it did you ever see the clip of bernie sanders with the black woman take the stage from and they can you pull that up matt bernie sanders curb moment it's so fucking good and he looks like him it's perfect oh dude it's so i mean god damn larry david is such a he's such a legend yeah even the newer seasons of curb like yeah maybe they weren't as good as verse but i'll take a bad curb over anything else like even a mediocre curb is still magical way to put it you know got great moments he's still he's still a killer what are we looking up oh it's i don't even know. Maybe you can't find it.

Oh. Another group. Oh, there it is. Oh, that's a... Whatever. It might not even be there. I remember it. I saw it. It was pretty damn good.

That music. Both Brooklyn Jews. Oh, is that right? Same age. Yeah. Maybe put black women in there, too. This is a tough search here but i'm just trying to get it quickly oh shit yeah i'm glad i said that into a mic well yeah what are you

gonna do that's the internet um yeah so uh that might have been it i think that's it there it is oh hold on we got uh we got an ad. I recently paid the $7 a month so I don't have to see ads, guys. I recommend it. It's $7 a month and you don't have to do this. On YouTube? Yeah, I finally did it. Red Rocket.

Oh, here it is. Red Rocket. You earned it. Cities in the United States of America. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. States of America. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Get him in check and we'll shut him down.

Whoa. That's perfect. Man, the entitlement just go up there like that. It's crazy. The fact he just walks off. Yeah. Oh, the Fedora just go up there like that. It's crazy. But yeah. The fact that he just walks off. Yeah. Oh, the fedora guy's standing up.

Wow. Cut the mic. This is directed by Larry Charles right after this. Robert B. White. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. Wow. Politics.

Man, he really is one of the best. I mean. Yeah, the king. I saw some some seinfeld interview where he's like larry david is the one show business millionaire who i i there's not a drop of change he's the exact same guy he was in in sheep's head bay brooklyn or whatever it was you know he's the same guy he hasn't showbiz has not changed i bet bill murray like he does crazy shit like that but i bet he's still just like he seems like he's still a cool dude no he was super cool that's i hope i didn't say like he wasn't because he was being extremely uh nice because i was awkwardly quiet and weird around him and he kept filling up the uncomfortable space by starting conversation

and you know kind of giving me like advice on how to like handle the head fuck that's like award season and he was like you know kind of mentoring me in this weird way. I don't know what there was a conversation that happened before. She probably said like, hey, can you come down and hang out with us? We had a guy he was, you know, they almost won this thing. Come hang out. It'd be cool. And he just came with this sort of really nice attitude that was like supportive and cool. And I was just like, what a sweet guy.

Did he see the movie? No, he hadn't seen it. I don't know if he has now but i remember him all night long he kept you know saying i now i gotta go see red rock and um but i'm not sure if he ever did um but he came so close to winning an oscar what's that i remember everyone was shocked who did he lose to again well i don't know bill murray yeah oh that's right he thought he was gonna get it i think oh same with ed Murphy for Dreamgirls I think they were both comedy guys that were kind of should have gotten it

Jim Carrey too what's interesting is that you guys as comics there's so many, well not so many there's a handful of comics who could make the transition like a Robin Williams from comic to dramatic Oscar winning performance Jim Carrey you don't really see it go the other way around too much.

It's not a lot of dramatic actors could do comedy, but comedy guys can go with that. Just set you a clip about that. Yeah, Jim Jefferies was just saying this on another podcast. It's so true. You know who's actually very good at drama, but also very funny, is Patrick Stewart. Is that right?

Is he funny? Have you seen him on Extras? He's very good at comedy. Oh my God, Extras was so's very good at comedy. Oh, my God. Extras was so fucking good. Certain people can do it. Certain people- But can he do stand-up?

No, well, that's a whole different- Yeah. That's a skill that you have to hone. Yes, yes. There's a lot of comics who can't do stand-up. Right, right. I mean, it's like, that's a hone skill. That's different.

Do you do acting classes to stay in shape or what do you do i used to a lot now to me the learning is when you're on set working is like that's what like i always tell people you know you could go to acting class all you fucking want you learn when you're on set really how everything works and what you know you could learn techniques and things like that i guess but i'm no method actor and i don't want to pretend that i am i i just use my imagination and and and go with my instinct i'm not one of those guys who's in character between fucking scenes and all that shit um but i now respect that you know like joaquin phoenix may be the best actor out right one of them that motherfucker like knows how to really he's like a you know a true thespian right sure he's amazing who are we talking about

it's never gonna get old um but uh yeah no so i haven't taken acting class in a long time but i do do privates with an acting coach once in a while like if i have a big audition and i have time i will do a zoom with an acting coach just run the lines to say them out loud but in my experience and this is going to sound really vain but i'm just being honest i'll often go into work on something with an acting coach and i'll sort of get their ideas in my head and my instinct was right and i went with what they were suggesting and i was and then i don't get the job right and then when i don't go with the coach and i just go with my instinct i book it almost every fucking time they're auditioning you that's it they're not auditioning the coach right it's like well what's who's to say it's so subjective oh you know what this

should be right like i feel like i'm sometimes i'll bounce a bit off someone and it's the same thing where they where they're like they lead me away i'm like this isn't the joke no yeah totally i was i think and sometimes the joke doesn't work but if it's my idea i think my angle is the right angle and you guys i get i can only imagine because i get this and i'm not even a comic but everybody thinks they're fucking funny and that's a big sure of mine too everyone wants to come up to you guys and try to make you laugh because you make them laugh so you probably get this all the time is like you know people sort of awkwardly trying to get you to laugh and uh yeah i get that shit all the time and it's just weird um yeah yeah yeah wait so do you guys have any peeves this week i feel like i'm hosting yeah i got a couple you go well hold on i wrote down a couple i wrote

down a couple too oh hey look at this guy i'm a i'm a neurotic jew i oh i did need to charge my phone at some oh we got a charger baby somebody get this man a charger wait oh so quickly i got oh yeah oh the spiritual new age people, funny you brought that up. Nailed it, nailed it. Oh yeah, woo girls. You know those girls that go woo at the bar? I hate the woo. So there's two types of people.

There's woo girls, and then there's girls that would never go woo. Yeah, yeah. And it's usually white girls in California or the West Coast. I don't know if they're in New York, but New York is becoming very waspy. I walk around new york

and i just keep hearing like groups of white girls going and like literally like oh my god i'm like like am i in the valley or new york what is i know right it's become very uh even like downtown and like shitty neighborhoods yeah yeah they take over we gotta i think there's a plug somewhere okay great i got i got i got a bunch of peeves we should send those woo girls to wuhan i got a bunch of peeves i got one okay this happened the other night a guy messaged me uh you ever someone messaged you because people were talking shit about you and they for some reason they're like i defended you i never would have known this would have happened right like he literally hit me up he goes there were some people at the comic up saying you were a tiktok comic and i set them straight i was like nah you were a TikTok comic. And I set them straight.

I was like, nah, he's a real comic. And I was like, what? You just told me people think I'm bad? Now I'm in my head about TikTok comedy. Yeah, thanks a lot. I get it. I mean, it's like people come up to me. They're like, yeah, I saw Red Rocket.

You were pretty good. Oh, jeez. I was like, well, thanks. Tell me about it. You're pretty good. Like, who are you? Yeah, right? You thanks. You're pretty good. Like, who are you? Yeah.

Right. You were so charismatic in the movie. You play such a prick in that movie, but you're so charismatic in it. I mean, it's, it's interesting. I mean,

there's so much about that movie. You know what I think is interesting about it is like, there's a, first off Trump playing in the background. It's such a kind of like of it's a timestamp, like, you know, but also like, I made me stamp like a you know but also like

i made me think that trump playing constantly was also like oh this is like an outskirt of texas this is like a forgotten area where hillary didn't campaign right there's so many like meanings to like uh you know what this like what do you make of that trump playing constantly in the background so i'm glad you brought that up because i actually didn't even we shot the movie so fast that i didn't have time to ask him any of the nuances of why he wrote certain things in the movie but then when i finally watched the movie afterwards and i saw it finished i was like oh i wonder what he's saying by putting in so what the point of that was was that um there it was hard to catch you might not have caught it but if you ever watch the movie you'll see it and if you're explaining it to me here it takes place in 2016 the movie i don't know if you caught that so it takes place during the 2016 debate i

did not catch that so in one little frame we're watching tv and it says elections 2016 so it's most people do it's okay he does that a lot in his movies he makes you have to watch him three times and find hidden things and the point was was he's like, we were all collectively living in this weird reality show at the time, whether or not you thought Trump was going to win or what side of the aisle you're on. I wanted to make the point that we were living in this bizarro reality show when a reality businessman was going to become the president. So if you watch the movie again,

every other scene, it'll be the debates and then horrible reality television and then the debates and horrible reality television like judge judy or whatever right so he was making a point that we were living in some dumb reality show that was like just as mind-numbing to turn on the debates as it was to turn on judge judy yet entertaining but like what the fuck is going on so that was sort of that was the point that he meant to make i believe in doing interviews with them that's an artist all that was thought out and considered and you know we can just we can just miss it well then like don't look up i don't

know if you guys saw that movie i gotta watch it it's well you know it's fun it's like you know it's fun i don't want to sit here and bash it but like i you know it's it's like the point is is that they touched on the same things. Like, it would land on, like, a house, and one would be a Trump house, and one was, like – Right. But it would, like, sit on it for, like, seven seconds. It's like, we get it. We get it.

Like, it's a little heavy-handed. Yes, yes. Whereas someone like Sean Baker, you got to watch it three times and be like, is that what he meant? It's subtle. Like, I like subtle. I like subtle, too. You know? We talk a lot about, you know, Mark and I just being i just being like you know road comics and kind of you know relishing the fact

that we can hit both sides of the aisle like i really love being an entertainer and not you know no matter what we believe i it's important to entertain people of both sides i i hate comedy that's really just pandering to one base i always it always kind of bothered me because i feel like you're you're putting emphasis on like your angle rather than the joke and and jokes are really like i loved during that trump election cycle so many shows were doing this like kind of partisan here's where i stand and conan was doing escapist humor yeah the person knows who conan is probably going to vote for but that's not what was important it was important that he was giving you an escape

and i love when comedy is an escape from reality yeah right absolutely that's why i've watched so much comedy on youtube i mean that's like all i end up watching if i have anything that i go to like if you looked at my youtube history it's just just going to be from Kill Tony to you guys to whatever. Like, that's my escape, you know? Yeah. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, peeves. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I got one. I got a couple of peeves. So how about this? I had the lady in a middle seat next to me. So I try to give the middle seat some love. I don't want to be the douche that's ruining the middle seat. It's already a bad experience. So I try to give her the armrest whatever but she's hitting my channels

with her elbow she's got her elbow on the buttons jet blue jet blue yeah they got the elbow button problem elbow button so fuck sitting yeah i got a movie going and she's hitting the the brightness is going up the brain's going down the channel's getting changed. Break up with her, man. She sounds like bad news. I'm drunk at your wedding. She fucked up your movies. She fucked them up. I got to take you from the best man's line.

Yeah, yeah, just cutting. And so I want to be like, I got to go, oh, hey, hey, ma'am, you're hitting my buttons. And she was like, oh, sorry. And then she did it so much that I just gave up. i was like all right i'm out with the movie and i let her have it but because i felt bad about bugging her to stop hitting the button so the peeve isn't her it's the design of the plane ah right you're right she didn't do anything wrong

she's just moving it's an accident yeah yeah it's not her fault it's like my buddy has a point about that he's like everyone on the plane is ready to kill each other but it's not even the people on the plane's fault it's whoever designed the plane that's making it it's like we're the ones that have got to be in a sardine can together right but no one did anything necessarily that wrong you're just annoyed with everyone because you're this fucking close but that's not her fault no no not her fault yeah don't break up with her it was a rando but a rando, but yeah. Why don't you just pull the seat up? Why don't you just pull the armrest up? Well, I feel like that's a dig, too. Like, hey, watch it, fatty.

Hold on. Let me pull this up. I don't want to bug her with that. That's a big move. I think as long as you don't call her fatty while you do it, you're probably all right. Well, here's a peeve. You ever notice when they come on the PA or the loudspeaker on the plane, the pilot will often be cognizant enough to sort of speak like this.

And then the flight attendant gets on and blares. You're like, dude, like, whatever the fuck they say. It's so loud. It's like when you're watching a TV show and then the commercials come on and they're 20 times louder. They do that on purpose. And you're like, no, the TV show is the important thing thing right this is bullshit because they know you're going to take a leak and they want you to hear the ad in the other room so they actually they made that illegal for

a while or something but then they couldn't change it they were trying to make that a uh thing and obviously with tivo came out remember tivo was a thing you can fast forward the commercials so then now all the advertising's gotten so out of control that if you watch a ufc fight they're wearing a fucking ad on their bot like you know 50 ads on their shorts because they're you know commercial i was watching tivo was tivo was big and then tv just took that right they were like oh we're just gonna do what you did right right tivo became like uh a thing that was such a big thing that you'd actually use it as a verb like tivo that you're right or you know became part of the lexicon sure more so than what did it I still say TiVo it when it's DVR it or right that's when you know you got a good brand and like Google it instead of Bing like I tried to

come out member Bing Bing was and you know they had a meeting and they're like what could we compete with Google like Bing it it just didn't work yeah being Kleenex yeah sharpie oh i got a whole day there's a whole list of brands yeah you would never say do you have an adhesive swap an adhesive strip you say band-aid you say band-aid right it's a brand yeah yeah kleenex no one says tissue give me kleenex uh yeah xerox xerox sharpie yeah there's so many man i could go on and on uh But I don't want to bore everyone. Post it. Post it. That was big. White out. White out. No one uses that anymore.

Yeah. Speaking of white out. Whites are out. Whites are out. Yeah. I use black out. Oh, another peeve. This bugged me.

My hotel in Louisville, Kentucky. Oh, shit. Hold on. That's my peeve alarm. My hotel in Louisville, Kentucky. Coffee shop closes at 11 a.m what come on you come guzzlers i'm hungover i'm waking up late i'm sleeping in i want a cup of coffee oh yeah the whole the whole coffee shop is lights out blacked out curtain down when is it open four i don't know

i think five but they're like oh who needs a coffee after 11 i'm like everybody that's like a european thing in europe they'll take they'll close down for lunch in italy what the fuck are you guys doing here i hate it uh okay that's a fair one that's a good p yeah that killed me so i'd have to go to some uh hipster queef and be like hey can you make me a guy to go out outside the hotel and find some uh you know real coffee barista so i because this happens uh traveling half the fun of getting a coffee is going to get the coffee though right and going to find a good cafe and find a good one until yeah it's not just doing the drugs it's going to get them's half the fun right or that could be applied to women everything it's the hunt it's the hunt give me the action baby yes so i actually now

sometimes because of differences that you feel good after the coffee right i bring this thing it's called it's like this vacuum press it's called like a um it's like a portable i forget the product name is speaking of product names it's either like vacuum press or something but there's this portable espresso thing that you can collapse into something this big get out and bring your own coffee grinds with you so when that happens you're in your room, you make yourself a... Fuck, I'm going to have to find the name. Pull it up. It grinds the beans? No, no.

You have to get the... You already got to have your coffee beans, which I bring in a Ziploc, like already ground to a certain French press grind level. Not too fine, but it's the thing. I can't remember the fucking name. It's like a pretty popular thing. Is that it on Amazon? It's a brand new...

Aeropress. Aeropress. There it is, baby. Looks like a penis pump. That thing right there. Well, it's double. It could thing. Is that it on Amazon? It's a brand new. Aero Press. There it is, baby. Looks like a penis pump. That thing right there. Well, it's double. It could be used for that. Yeah.

It looks like a Red Rocket penis pump. There you go. But that thing right there, man, it collapses into this tiny thing, and I bring it with me everywhere because of what you just talked about, because if you can't get a coffee in some little town, there you go. And it makes a really strong, yeah. And if there's no room for it in your bag, you just stick it up your ass. There you go.

I'll try this with my flashlight. Wow, look at that. Damn. It looks a lot more complicated than it is. Once you do it a couple times, you're good. But there's something about it. Whoa, and it's quality? It's very quality.

And obviously, you get good quality coffee, and you're not getting a Folgers in the lobby. Right, right. Because so many hotels got shitty coffee. I was tired of it. I still think about your story about when you ate those Hulk bars, Xanax, that you think were laced with fentanyl. I don't know if those were laced with fentanyl. I think you just ate too much Xanax. I think you might be right.

Because if there was fentanyl in that, that would be a whole nother jam. You might not have woke up. Right. Either way, stop doing that. Yeah. Either way, don't fucking die. In this this day and age you don't take pills from strangers those days are over man you better get it from the doctor because you don't know what the fuck's in those things yeah it's not like the early aughts when that was safe right well yeah i know you're joking but i it truly was safe really well nowadays not that i'm doing strangers drugs but there used to be a

time where you know you'd be drunk at a bar and someone offered you a bump of Coke and you're wasted. Now that's not an option. My buddy did that. He did a bump of Coke and it was fentanyl. And he woke up to gurgle. And the paramedics are jumping him back to life. And they're like, sir. And he's just like, what the fuck?

I did a bump at a bar and it was fentanyl in the Coke. And this was two years ago. So, yeah, those days are over. So all you young kids out there listening, don't do strangers drugs drunk in a bar, right? Yes. Be sober. Only do your dad's drugs. That's it.

There you go. Yeah, take them out of your aunt's cupboard, not from a stranger. Sure. There's a great gadget that you could take fentanyl and you could just mush it in your hotel room. It makes really quality fentanyl. The Aerodepressor. Hey! I was looking for it.

You nailed it. Do you have any rec, Simon? Oh, yeah. Let's see. I love that he's like a... I know. It's weird that we have a guest that actually listens. Oh, you guys...

No, not only do I listen, I talk back to you guys as if we're fucking friends. It's actually sad. It's nothing to even brag about. It's pathetic. But no, I was in Barcelona. i was dating this girl and i broke up with her in ibiza and went to barcelona by myself and i was so depressed and sad and lonely in barcelona during covid i listened to every single episode to the point where i'm like i hate these guys now like i was like enough is enough i know how'd be like falling asleep to you guys talking back to you.

Get a life, dude. Barca lonely. Wait, what was I looking at? Oh, yeah, my rec. Oh, yeah, my rec is there's a movie called Marjo. M-A-R-J-O-E. It's a combination of Mary and Joseph from the Bible. It's a documentary.

I'm sorry to leave you out. I want to look at you more, but you're not part of this. It's called documentary. I'm sorry to leave you out. I want to look at you more, but you're not part of this. It's called Marjo, and it's a documentary about a guy who was a child preacher whose parents made him learn how to con everyone in the South and be like, Lord Jesus. And he would do these tent churches around the South and basically be like, put your money in the basket, Lord Jesus, blah, blah, blah. And then go back to his hotel room and be like, sucka, and count the money. And then when he turned 18 years old, he realized his parents weren't giving him a dime of the money, and they

made millions off him because he was a little cute blonde preacher. So he got suckered. And he realized that organized religion is the biggest con ever, so he's like, fuck you, mom and dad. I'm moving to L.A. to make it as an actor. It's all documented. He moves to L.A., can't make it as an actor, can't even get an audition. So he just ends up smoking weed and being a hippie.

But then he's broke. So he keeps having to go back to Texas, Louisiana. Wow. And doing these preach things. But he knows that he's hustling everyone. But he's so good at it because he's been doing it since he's four years old. And he's doing Mick Jagger dance moves and he's been doing it since he's four years old and he's doing mick jagger dance moves and he's channeling and then he explains how he tricks people into taking the hand on the forehead and fainting like he channeled jesus to him he's like it's all psychosomatic here's how

you do it and he basically exposes why people think that they are having a religious moment and he's like it all he's like it's absolutely incredible. What's it on? It's on YouTube for free. How is this not bigger? It doesn't have a lot of hits. It's incredible. That's why it's a good rec. A good rec should have little views. Right.

So basically, he's this charismatic dude who exposes how they trick an arena full of people into thinking they're having a religious experience. How old is he now? I don't even know if he's alive. This is from like the 70s and he was probably in his 30s or 40s. Oh, damn, he looks old here. Oh, that's him now? Oh, shit, that's him.

Good hair. Yeah, hanging in there with the dude. Yeah, so the documentary was made like these documentary filmmakers followed him around in the 70s as he was going back and forth from L.A. Wow. It's fucking incredible because that's one of my favorite topics, kind of going back to the new age bullshit yeah is when people kind of use religion the wrong way as like uh you know they're better than you 100% around tomatoes 100% holy shit are you kidding you never see that okay well

i'm in baby this is my weekend watch it's fucking i can't wait to watch this and report back yeah it's really good and you'll hear a review while you're in some lonely village in Bangladesh. Holy shit, 100%. What a wreck. I'm the only person that voted. I got it. That's so funny. You might also like Ali Wong.

How the fuck did that match up? Ali Wong's new special is killer, by the way. It was really funny. I liked it. Really good. Yeah, really good. She's always got a powerful point to her show. It's really good.

Well, yeah, she touches on it. I just love her whole thing about being bored with her love life and married and all that shit. She's got good ankles. She's cute. Oh, yeah. Yeah, good ankles. She's a sturdy Asian strong woman. She's probably small.

She's little, yeah. Is that okay to say? Yeah, she's a short lady. I was on a flight with Ali and Sheng Wangang wang who she opens opens for all the time is a great comic he's underrated very funny guy and uh we hung out in indianapolis she was playing the theater i was playing the club and uh got some pho oh so is it pho that's is that the local way to say is it because it's not pho right that's what white people say we want everything so am i white or Jewish?

If I'm 51% Ashkenazi, I did my Forever 21 test, the 23andMe test. Your mom is Jewish. I'm a Jew. My mom's Jewish from Elizabeth, New Jersey. What a combination. You said Lithuanian Jew. My mom's a Lithuanian Jew. And my dad's a trailer park from Georgia and Louisiana.

And his side was Scottish, English, Irish, Spanish. So I'm a combination. Yeah, I'm basically, I was hoping that I was half German, half Jewish, so I could always say this joke for the rest of my life. Ask me what I am. What are you? Oh, I'm half Jewish, half German,

which explains why I want to kill myself. I would want to use that joke forever. But I can't. I think this is the jew in the trailer park you call that a trailer why doesn't this AC work remember that old Bill Maher joke he's like I'm half jewish

half catholic so I go into the confessional but I take a lawyer with me was that in Religious the movie that he did that took balls he went into fucking you know my only issue with that movie was, though, is that he's so intelligent, and he was interviewing a lot of Cadillac priests.

Well, I'm like, a lot of these people are snake oil salesmen. Right, right. There was one scene in that movie, and he's great. He goes at some politicians. I'm like, that should have been more the movie. Right, interesting. Because you could really blow smoke in these fuckers' faces. Right.

I mean, I know some of these people are taking advantage of people, but they're like so low level. Right. Right. Yeah, it was a little easy. Some low hanging fruit. But it's sort of like the similar thing to Marjo. It exposes all of that side of organized religion.

I love it. I've always, you know, I listen to, I still listen to Bill Marshall all the time. Yeah. I mean, look, he's a smug asshole, but he's funny and he's right a lot. Yeah. Because he'll call out his own tribe he'll be the first one to be like we're fucking assholes too

thank you I don't know if there's a show on TV that has a more diverse panel of guests in terms of like belief because you'll have liberals up in there with them and I kind of like that yeah no it's good.

I love that. No, it's good. We need a little discussion. It's called discourse? Is that what that's called? Discourse. Yes. Yeah, I'm not smart.

That's all right. No, no, you nailed it, dude. I'm not smart and I'm not good with politics. And there's a peeve. Everybody's a fucking politician and an epidemiologist and an expert on global policy now of politics. You know, we all got that unhinged friend who was like you know knew more than your doctor but now that there's a thing going on in in russia they also know more about that than everyone else we all got that friend oh that

friend who didn't go to medical school but knows everything about covid he's like yes i'm a geopolitics expert as well i got a lot of those and they're not just they know they're passionate about it i've remected i'm like you've never said that word right before now you're an expert on ivermectin it's like yeah get the fuck out of here yeah let's just all admit that we know nothing yes that's where i'm at i know nothing i'm an idiot and i'm okay with that where's the clit yeah i can't find it i don't know right uh you know G-spots in your butthole? Oh, that's great. My buddy of mine went to get a... Summer trip.

He went to get a, like, somehow, I forget why, but he had to have, like, a urinary tract infection test, so they had to sample his semen. So he goes, the doctor fucking... I don't know if this is a doctor he saw. He said this doctor basically... You have a problem with your pee? Let me see some jizz

wait listen he said he bent him over and put his big jewish thumb up his ass and made a left and he just he said it was a trap door he just dumped the biggest load he's ever dumped in his life everywhere and afterwards like doc why didn't you just ask me to rub one out in this petri dish you needed to do that and you went up and made a left and it just dumped. Damn. And I guess they need to get clients in and out of the doctor's office. So it's just like the male G-spots up into, there's like a prostate in there somewhere. My boy was like, dude, it's been there the whole time.

We're not exploring enough. We got to figure this out. It was in you all along. He's like, it was the best load I ever dumped. Wow. Yeah. That's a hard part is once you get older you just find better trap doors and then you're like and then if you have second

out of trap door you're like that was all right i know a better room right we could we could watch the movie in the bed or we could watch it in this awesome room with a big screen i know it's all escapism yeah we're just trying to get off and try to have fun. Carlin, it's all bullshit and it's bad for you. There you go. Who says that? George Carlin. Oh, yeah.

It's funny. I remember I was watching. Carlin's last special was so underrated. It's called It's Bad for You. I remember one day I was watching it and I just texted Mark. I was like, man, you know what special's underrated? It's bad for you. And Norman just texted me back.

He screenshot. He's watching the same special. Same special. No way. Our periods are synced. We're synced up, man. Yeah, you guys And Norman just texted me back. He screenshot. He's watching the same special. Same special. No way. Our periods are synced. We're synced up, man. Yeah, you guys are ovulating together. Yeah.

It's crazy. I met Carla once. And? And you met her. Oh, it was great. It was a super cool guy. Funny guy. He zinged me.

It was awesome. And I saw him live once, and it wasn't pretty. Oh, he bombed? He did a Biloxi Casino. Biloxi, Mississippi. Yeah. It's not his fault. No.

So I drove there with my girlfriend at the time, and he got heckled the whole time. He chewed out the crowd. It was wild. Wow. But it was Mississippi. Yeah. Were you just a kid back then? I was probably 17, 18, 19, something like that.

Did you know you wanted to do comedy then? No. But I loved it. I always knew. I always respected it. But yeah, I was a fan yeah i had all his albums i want to ask you because you were in scary movie three with uh charlie sheen yeah oh let's hear some sheen stuff i'm happy to uh he's the most misunderstood greatest

guy you would love him he's one of the boys he's so like normal and down to earth been misunderstood i love the guy and he's just fucking a product of being uh famous and rich and um you know uh being like the last hollywood bad boy man he was kind of that last dude right i'm trying to think who else after him he was like i think he like went so hard that people were like scared like i don't lose my career so so okay so i had him on my podcast and he I remember I called him up to do the podcast he goes uh dude this is my Charlie Sheen by the way uh dude everybody asks me to do their podcast and I say no but for you I'll do it so he did my podcast yeah he was the only the only one he's ever done was mine and because he's my boy and he's just like I'll do it for you because he's just got most people would probably dig and I wasn't going to do that to him.

But he, everybody wants to hear a story about how I did blow with Charlie Sheen and drank with him. I've never so much as had a sip of beer with him because the only time I see Charlie is when he's sober. When he's on one, I don't really hear from him and he definitely ain't calling me to hang out. He goes kind of dark for a while and he goes dark for a while and then when he pops his head up he checks in and i see him or if i'm working with them he's obviously professional enough to not be getting loaded at work but he told me uh so he was basically him and chuck lori i think had were butting heads and then he he left the show but right when he left the show in 2000 this was 2010 when he did the winning tiger blood he calls me up one day and he goes, where are you?

I'm like, I'm in Salt Lake City. I'm doing a gig tonight. And he goes, I'm going to get you on a plane right now. I need you to come back to LA. I'll double whatever you're getting paid. So I canceled the show. He doubles what I'm getting paid. I don't even remember if I even got the money from him, but I canceled the show.

Were your fans pissed? I don't remember. Probably. I shouldn't have done that. But it was kind of like this opportunity where charlie goes trust me come i got something good for us so i fly to fucking la i go to his house in his private bella gated community and you gotta understand at the time in 2010 this wasn't a thing he goes i'm gonna do a live stream and announce something but that wasn't the norm in 2010. No one was streaming live. And he had the technology and the thing at his house and it was like a live stream.

And he announces the Tiger Blood Tour. And he called it the Torpedo of Truth Tour. And it basically was him traveling around the country with Kirk Fox as the opening comedian and me closing, hilarious guy, and me closing as Dirt dirt nasty doing one of my songs and in between was going to be an improvisational charlie sheen two-hour show around the country with friends from his life yeah no plan at all disaster we're sitting on

the runway about to take off on a private jet on like a g6 or whatever the fuck the biggest private jet is and i'm and how do you choose you you just hit it off on you as jet on like a g6 or whatever the fuck the biggest private jet is and i'm and how do you choose you you just hit it off on screen he was my boy yeah he just loved my music and was like a friend and he goes why don't you come on tour with me i'll pay you very well we're gonna fly around in private jets and stay at nice hotels and you're gonna do one song at the end of my show which song were you doing 1980 it was called he always goes dude you have the second best song in history it's stair Stairway to Heaven, 1980. Because the song is... Then Hey Jude.

And then... No, but the reason he likes the song is the hook is I'm on cocaine. Like it was 1980. And he just loved it because that was his life. And he was hell bent on spending all of his money. And there'd be like these weird hanger-ons that would be at his house. And then on the tour that I can tell we're just not really his friends and charlie would be so fucking nice and generous or crazy he'd be like does anyone want any money and he'd whip out a

stack of cash and it was kind of like a bullshit detector to see who his real friends are because i never once was like yeah give me some money and a couple guys like i'll take some cash and he's just handing the money i'm like get rid of this fucking some money. And a couple guys were like, I'll take some cash. And he's just handing them money. I'm like, get rid of this fucking guy. He's like a white Cat Williams. Holy shit. By the way, that doesn't work with dicks, by the way. I need a bigger dick.

Hold on. I know a guy with the same size dick as me. We'll fuck you together. That's such a hilarious. I mean, you can't be more wasteful than that. I know. He's like, I have all this money. Who wants money?

Wow. And I remember him saying to me once we landed in like we're in like florida we're on this tour which was just a disaster and it was getting murdered by the critics but he just didn't give a fuck he's like my whole life i've been told stand here wear this say this say it like this he's like fuck everyone i'm doing it my way i don't care if it sucks so i kind of had to respect that hell yeah even if the show sucked which it did but at one point after the press was murdering any of them go well so here's what happened about three or four shows in after like detroit and cleveland were so bad that people were chanting refund and leaving and damn and he still didn't give a fuck i mean i think he didn't want to let down his fans but he's just like And I go, you need a comic to come on and kind of be the glue to hold this together.

Do you know who Jeff Ross is? He goes, who's Jeff Ross? I go, do you trust me? He's like, sure. I called Jeff Ross. I go, Jeff, would you come on to this tour and help us figure this out? It needs something. So Jeff Ross came out and it became the roast of Charlie Sheen.

He would come out in a hazmat suit, like a bomb suit, when Charlie was bombing 20 minutes in. Right. And be like, Charlie, you're bombing. This is going terrible. And he'd start roasting Charlie. And organically, it became the Charlie Sheen roast. Wow. Which to date, they later aired on Comedy Central, is still to the largest uh viewed comedy roast of all time

higher than trump which is crazy oh wow maybe it was before maybe at the time i remember at the time those roasts used to get so many views well trump was was wasn't what he was now when they roasted right so i think i wonder what it is now i'm not sure if this holds up but at the time he was like it was enormous yeah charlie sheen i I remember that. Sheen was kind of, I mean, I was a big fan. I mean, I think what she did. I mean, think about what Sheen did is like, he was in Wall Street. He was in Platoon. But then he was also in like Hot Shots.

Hot Shots 1 and 2. Part D. Part D. Yeah. How about also, dude, taking over from Michael J. Fox on Spin City. He killed it. Dude, he was fucking good. To follow Michael J. Fox. Him and Ferris Bueller. He's a comedic relief in Ferris Bueller. He killed that spot. over for michael j fox on spin city he killed it dude he's fucking good to follow michael j

fine him and ferris bueller he's a comedic relief and oh yeah he killed that spot me and my dad would quote that all the time i loved it yeah he was just in the jail right yeah what are you in for drugs yeah um major league wild major league dude another great one i remember we're shooting scary movie and i don't know why but i was like just so excited to work with charlie sheen that i'm watching platoon in my trailer and i'd come to set i'm like i'm watching platoon he'd go uh why he's like we're shooting a comedy dude i'm like you're right why am i watching fucking to shoot a scary movie i'm like yeah let's shoot this scene kevin hart yeah man but he's a legend and a story no and it goes even deeper but that was that's the cliff notes is that basically Jeff Ross came on board and sort of saved the show

and it got better it got a lot better and then people were like oh he's being self-deprecating it's evolved into this roast and then the rest is history and then they went and actually filmed the roast of Charlie Sheen not too long after and i remember being still to this day like kind of proud i'm like oh that wouldn't happen without me i was the reason why this roast happened comedy central give me some money and much like comedy it takes a minute to figure out the joke you gotta figure out what's funny and what works correct people like to judge it so early this was pre this was twitter was out but not instagram yet i remember that much i remember uh yeah this was so that social media was still pretty new and going viral wasn't really too big of a thing yet. But yeah, he took it to the Internet and it was right when he got fired or quit from that show and decided to do the tour.

And he invited me to be a part of it. And of course, I'm going to fucking do it, man. Like, yeah, Charlie, I want to go on tour with you. duh but it was also uh yeah it was it was a lot i mean but it was very nice for once what was what was the tour night like like after the show do you do you go out do you party do you go out do you get a good bite i would i would by myself pretty much because i was alone and he was sober with his two girlfriends he had at the time he had two girlfriends publicly on the road yes and he brought both of them with him and he would just go back to the hotel with the girls and he wasn't drinking or doing i love that his rock

bottom is still he's still banging two chicks so i would just basically be in chicago with two days off by myself and call a friend in chicago and out. And, you know, so it wasn't partying with Charlie like you'd imagine. But in the theaters, you were playing theater. Yeah, it was like theaters. But he was he was he was agreeable and easy to work with in the theaters. Oh, yeah. He was very agreeable and easy to work with in theaters. He just the show sucked, you know, quite honestly, it just wasn't a good show until Jeff showed

up and it sort of got some structure. And I remember even saying to Charlie, I'm like, what's your plan? Like, what are we doing? He's like, I don't have one and I don't care. I'm like, all right, dude, let's go. Like, I'll be your huckleberry. I'll hang out with you. This will be fun.

And I'm glad I did. It's funny to be that successful and then do something like this where you have no, like, clearly he had a plan for all of his other shit. But like, what's, I want to know what, what's in Charlie Sheen's rider? He's sober. What's in that green room? What's he getting? That's a good question.

God, I probably, if I, yeah, I wonder. I just, well, I also remember this. Like, I remember him saying to me, like when we're in Florida once, he goes, all right, dude, I want you to spend as much money as you can at the hotel. I'm like, what do you mean? He goes, I want you to order the steak, the lobster, go golfing, and get like three massages. Wow. And I'm just like, are you trying to?

He goes, Simon, I made more money today on reruns of Two and a Half Men than I could possibly spend in this. Like, please, do me a favor. And I felt bad. I was still like, I don't need to order this much shit. But he's like, no, get the steak, get the lobster, go golf. I'm like, all right, dude. And I sometimes would. And even then I thought, what is that that is that just self-hatred is that like i don't deserve this shit take it from me i don't know i i don't know i don't know i i think he just had a

lot of money this was in 2010 when he probably just had tens of millions of dollars at his disposal you know yeah holy shit yeah it's crazy it's a wonder if he's okay now yeah i was gonna say what's he doing these days i told him to do a podcast because i'm like that would be great and you could do it from your own home and he he told me he was moving into like a airstream which is those silver trailers he got some land in malibu and he just wanted to kind of fuck off like i did and move to the desert and live in a little trailer so i think he either bought some land in malibu and did like the trailer life for a while just to sort of get the fuck out of like the Hollywood.

You know what TMZ stands for? 30 Mile Zone. TMZ. That's a 30 mile zone of LA where all the drama happens. I didn't know that. So he wanted to move out of the TMZ into like North Malibu into nature and get out of the like where he gets sweated everywhere yeah 30 miles on baby you learned something how do you like it's nice to hear good stuff about

him though because he did get just destroyed by the media he's the best he's the fucking best you would love him he's one of us charlie if you're listening we'd love to have you and we might be drunk yeah we'll get you blow we'll get you hookers whatever you got whatever you need buddy is he sober uh i well charlie we'll order you lobster steak we'll get you three massages we don't give a fuck well yeah so he's he's very misunderstood and he's just a good dude and i love the guy so um but regardless i'll send him this pod and turn him on to you guys if he doesn't know no no i love i've always liked charlie sheen a lot and i've always uh i mean i grew up on him i mean like i remember thinking how funny we're talking about david zucker i mean hot shots i mean i grew up on him. I mean, I remember thinking how funny. What about David Zucker? I mean, Hot Shots.

I saw that in the theater. Man, how funny was Lloyd Bridges? Oh, beast. I'm trying to remember what he did in Hot Shots. He's the president. Oh, that's right. And he fights Saddam Hussein. He's Jeff Bridges and Bo Bridges' dad.

He's on Seinfeld. You know what's a great fucking movie? The one with Jeff Bridges and Bo Bridges where they're blues musicians with Michelle Pfeiffer. What's it called? Bridge on the River Kwai? No. Two girls, one cup.

What is that? It's the one with... What's that called? Biloxi Juice. No. Jeff Bridges. This whole movie's on YouTube too. Oh, for free?

For free. You recommended this once, I think. I did. It's a wreck but it's uh the fabulous baker oh yeah excellent movie oh you know i think i've that's one of those movies i've never seen let me put that i got a list of movies i need to see that it's terrific jeff bridges is like that guy's a fucking legend man oh yeah yeah by the way we even talked about bruce willis how fucking sad is this shit? He's an American icon. Yes. Totally.

I saw him in my deli. What? Right before COVID. I was in my deli. And it's like, you know, it's all Asian women who run the deli. And they're all just lining up for pictures with him one by one. He's in a fedora. He's taking pictures with everyone.

And I was like, man, he seems like a mensch. I saw him at the Cellar. He was at Bumping Mike's, speaking to Jeff Ross. Really? He was at B really at bumping mics and the crowd he's a fan and they roasted him oh wow that's great he's um he uh i remember moonlighting i remember you could watch on youtube the moonlighting audition of him auditioning remember that show it was before my time but i know i know it's him and who's that really hot woman is a civil shepherd now i'm not gonna say it's a wreck but at the time it was the show was a cultural phenomenon really yeah in the 80s it was huge and the whole show i'll never forget this even being a kid i remember the show was all about when are they gonna hook up it was like three or four seasons they're like partners in crime

or in fighting crime yeah i remember and they both were like when are they gonna hook up and this is fascinating. As soon as the episode aired where they hooked up, the ratings plummeted. It was all about the anticipation, baby. It's just like real life. It's the taboo. Like, can I get it? Can I not? Cybill Shepard was so hot back then.

I remember him like Taxi Driver. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. And he was like a B-level actor when he got Die Hard. Oh, there he is. That's the audition. What a good-looking guy. He was an extra in the movie The Verdict with Paul Newman. He's one of the jurors in the end with a full head of hair.

There you go. Look at that. That was the girl who didn't book it, because that ain't Sybil Shepard. Oh, she's hot, too. God damn it. I love Bruce Willis. God, 80s. Look at the 80s. Look at that. Look at that hair. He's also underrated at comedy, too. Whole Nine Yards is funny. Oh, yeah. He's great in that. Amanda at that. Look at that hair. He's also underrated at comedy, too. Like, Whole Nine Yards is funny. Oh, yeah. He's great in that.

Amanda Peet. I just saw her the other night for the first time in 20 years I hadn't seen her. Oh, did you know her back in the day? Well, I did a show with her called Jack and Jill with Amanda Peet. Jamie Presley. Wow. Remember Jamie Presley? I love Jamie Presley.

Yeah, I dated her while we were doing the show and the network had to pull us aside and say, we can't tell you guys not to date, but don't bring your personal shit to work because we know how this one goes. And we're like young, cocky actors. We're like, whatever, we'll do what we want. And sure enough, we would be fighting and bring it to work

and it would affect everything. And I was like, oh, they were right. She's hot. Well done. Thank you. Well, this is, is yeah this was 20 this was 22 years ago I think this was 2000 oh yeah

she was like prime you know just after Poison Ivy Jamie Presley oh yeah so I was in there baby I was zinging and zanging and send me photos before photos yeah send me videos send me a VHS I'll buy a VCR for that one that's crazy dude yeah yeah send me video that's crazy yeah so yeah moonlight so the ratings plummeted when they hooked up i remember that but

yeah look at that was the man um dude six cents oh yeah diehards obviously right i just watched the last boy scout and it's not good but he's so good yeah he got charisma like a motherfucker charisma he's got that smirk on the side of the face. He's great. He was in Friends. He fucked Rachel. Oh, did he? Who else?

What else did he do? Yeah, what other classics? Oh, yeah, Red was good. Fifth Element, of course. Fifth Element's great. Oh, Pulp Fiction. Holy shit. That's how you know you've had a...

Unbreakable's great. Mr. Glass. You know you've had a great career when Pulp Fiction's the fifth thing we did. Yeah, right. I know, right? Surrogates. Yeah, there's Friends.

Looper was good, too. Looper's a great movie. Oh, yeah, Looper. Death Becomes There's a great comedy. Underrated. 12 Monkeys. 12 Monkeys is a great, great. That's a brilliant movie.

Terry Gilliam. Yeah. Sin City. Holy shit. Terry Gilliam. Sin City. Holy shit. What a career. Sin City is one of the most beautiful looking movies of all time. I will say his best acting was acting like Ashton Kutcher fucking to be more than bother. He's a hell of an actor. Oh, man.

Look who's talking. He's the voice. He's the voice. He's the baby. He's the kid. Oh, so I don't know why I just thought of this. I did a movie once with Chevy Chase as the voice. It was called Karate Dog. I shot it in 1999.

It's a kid's movie about a dog that does karate. And it was with Pat Morita, John Voight, Jamie Presley, who I was dating at the time. And she was smart enough as an actor to know when I booked the movie, she's like, well, do you have a girlfriend in the movie? I go, yeah, there's a love interest. She goes, I'm playing the love interest. And I remember the producers going, we got Jamie Presley because she didn't want me to go sleep with some other actress. She was smart enough to know that's what happens. So she was in the movie.

And this is a- You would have fucked Pat Morita if she didn't- That sounds like a lot. was in the movie and this is a you want to fuck pat morita if she didn't that sounds like a lot um so basically uh this movie was a kid's movie so you know if anyone's out there is going to go watch karate dog mind you it's for seven-year-olds and um and in the movie uh chevy che there it is yeah dude yeah simon you've had a crazy life i've had the craziest life that I don't even remember anything somehow I remember little windows of shit but

so this movie was shot in Vancouver and I got to work with at the time like I was like fuck yeah I'm gonna do a movie with John Voight and Pat Morita Mr. Miyagi for Christ's sake Mr. fucking Miyagi and I I oh yeah the point of the story was that Chevy Chase was the voice of the dog.

So I got to sit in a sound booth with Chevy Chase for like four days when the movie was over for him to do the CGI voice of the dog. But then in the end, they didn't like his performance. So they hired Burt Reynolds. So then I sat with Burt Reynolds in the sound booth for four days. So I spent like four days in a row. So where's the Burt Reynolds was the second choice behind Chevy Chase. It's actually the other way around. I think it was whatever.

One of the two ended up being the voice in the end. I think it ended up being Chevy Chase, actually. You hung out with Burt Reynolds? For four days in a little booth this big all day long with him in a sound booth. And this was the funniest thing he did to me. Unreal. This is Burt Reynolds and Jon Voight again? No, this is Burt Reynolds only. Me and him in a little a little booth i know but they're both in the movie yeah that's hilarious

yeah deliver that's right that's that's how we got in the movie was that he called them in from their experience on them they were friends so anyway i'm you know okay so i'm laying on the floor at one point because you're in the sound booth room for eight hours a day and at one point i'm laying on the floor and i'm trying to small talk with burt reynolds i'm like what do i even say to this guy he's got an ascot on his neck mind you there's no cameras we're doing audio only makeup on ascot lifts in his shoes he's looking like he's ready to present an oscar and we're in a sound booth at 9 a.m in van nuys right and he shows up and i'm like this is burt fucking rey I mean, this is the legend. Like, what do I even say to the guy?

And at one point, he's like trying to bond with me and I'll never forget this. I'm laying on the floor and he steps on my butt and walks over me and he looks down and goes, you got no ass, kid.

Like, what do you say to that? Man. What do you say to Burt Reynolds when he tells you, you got no ass, kid? Weird. Weird. See, this is why you have the best showbiz career, because you're not fucking, you know, you're not Jared Leto.

Right. He's covered in shit. He can't go anywhere. Right. He can't go to an airport. But you've seen everything. You've done everything. You've met everybody.

Right. And you can still live your life. Yeah, that's what- And you're normal. That's what Ari Shafir always says. thank you that's what ari shafir always says he's like i still want to be able to go to a festival and not get bothered and that's kind of i agree with that and that's why sort of lately this like buzz i've been getting from this movie and all the attention it's kind of scary because i'm entering the waters of not being able

to be anonymous anymore but i guess it's all like you know it's worth it i guess but i'm not getting i feel like a lot of big stuff is coming with we'll see man oh boy whatever's coming the good part is is that uh i think i've been around long enough to not get too caught up in the hype and i'm like i've been here before i've eaten the humble pie it tastes good i'm all good no matter what happens i'm all right i'm not like yes caught up in it all you've lived at the end of the either way whatever happens you're gonna end up fucking jennifer lord there we go so it's all good news you're gonna be just fine there it is well done it's a great episode what an app wow yeah that feels like the end doesn't it that felt like the wind up this is one of my favorite i'm sorry i talked over you guys no no no this is this is one of my i don't

say this much i mean this is one of the best episodes oh that's great totally don't you think killer rep yeah yeah peters third i will say you were pretty good thank you guys thank you appreciate that uh kill it great story great time i can do this for five more hours thank you got to come back we'll do part two one we gotta do a part two unless i get unless i get too big i'll never talk to you guys again well we can't get you send uh send charlie yeah there we go we need we need to start a book harley uh charlie sheen hashtag yeah our fans yes now you're talking oh is this the tour dates who's up i got all kinds of stuff uh addison improv in dallas denver cuck denver some theater bricktown comedy club in ok City, San Jose Improv,

Stand Up Live in Huntsville, Alabama, Pantages in Minneapolis, Chicago at the Vic, Irvine, California, Improv. I might have to come down to one of those. Come on. Do a guest set. Oh, scary. No pressure. No pressure.

Yeah. MarkNormanComedy.com. Check it out. Brea Improv, LA, I'll be at. What else do we have? We have fucking, oh. Ooh, LA Netflix is a joke? Did that happen?

Yeah, no, it's next month, man. Come out, let's hang out. Wait, May 1st? What month are we in? We're in April. April, May's next? Yeah. You're hanging out with Charlie Sheen too much.

April May's next? Yeah. You're hanging out with Charlie Sheen too much. We got Nashville, Albany, Toronto, Providence, Special in Chicago. I can't wait for that one. It's going to be big. Hell yeah. Tampa, Cleveland, Houston, West Palm, Buffalo.

So much on the horizon. Samorelle.com slash shows. WeMightBeDrunkPod.com for all the merch. We got all this great merch out now. We got patreon patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod email so we might be drunk pod uh at gmail.com simon uh go see red rocket yes we're really amazing thank you so much you really are i was so happy i appreciate that thank you uh and when's the whiskey coming out oh it's it's really really doing this it's so close we're like literally in the last stages of negotiations the red tape i'm gonna promote Thank you. And when's the whiskey coming out? Oh. Are we really doing this? It's close. It's so close.

We're like literally in the last stages of negotiations. Legal shit. The red tape. I'm going to promote the shit out of it. Bodega Cat. Bodega Whiskey. Swipe up. All that shit.

Thank you. Bodega Cat's the name. It should be fun. It's going to be a hell of a ride. Oh, is that the name you decided on? Bodega Cats? Yes. I like it.

Yes. You were floating around some other ideas. That might be my favorite one. Fat Cat. Fat Cat was taken. Oh, that's. Oh, okay. There was a few ideas you guys had. So a few months ago, we had to settle on a different name. Yeah. You were floating around some other ideas. That might be my favorite one. Fat Cat was taken. There was a few ideas you guys had. A few months ago, we had to settle on a different name. Anal Fisher didn't make it.

Go see Red Rocket. See all the other stuff. Beer Jew, you're cooking. Thank you for making us such amazing drinks, man. These are amazing. You're killing these drinks. Top notch. Top notch, baby.

Well done. Praise Allah. And Gotham Studios, you're the best. We love you. Matt Peters, you're the best. Keep listening, guys. We appreciate you. Yep.

Sunday's the day for my next bender. I've read a fever wreck, you know the future's close. I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking pump And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her

And I get down in the same way. We might be true.