We Might Be Drunk - Ep 75: Anthony DeVito

Episode Date: May 16, 2022

Anthony DeVito joins us for this weeks episode. Make sure to subscribe to his channel and support this great comic! Support the show and get 20% Off with the code DRUNK at https://Lucy.co Support the show and get $20 off your first purchase with the code DRUNK at https://Fanimal.com Visit http://marknormandcomedy.com/ and https://www.sammorril.com/shows for more details! Join the Patreon for bonus episodes weekly and more bonus content: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod Send us emails [e-mail] Credit Music courtesy of Ugly Smile

hey folks here we are we might be drunk we're doing it and we got rum and cokes here and our old pal anthony devito man what's up what's shaking to see you dude nothing much man good to see you guys oh you went jersey tony on us all of a sudden here you got you're using the ottoman i don't think anyone's ever used it before. Yeah, man. I mean, I do like whenever I like to get as comfortable as humanly possible in any situation. Because I don't know. You guys are pretty similar where you have nerves all the time.

Do you know what I mean? Yes. Like some kind of underbelly of nerves. So if I can appear as comfortable as possible, my body might be fooled into thinking I'm super relaxed. That's why we put the whiskey in there. Oh, yeah. No, man. This is all great.

This is a great setup. I'm glad you guys could join me on my pod. This is great. You know, that shit is true, though. They say, I read a fun fact, if you smile, even if you're not actually happy, your brain will think you're happy and it'll help you feel better. I think that's the movie The Joker right there. He's like, I'm doing great. Yeah, I must be.

That's how dumb we are. That's so crazy that you could just fool yourself with a smile. But I remember doing that starting off. I think because I saw like, I think like I would watch like nick turner seems so comfortable on stage yeah and he would just like he would hold the mic stand and he would just kind of like lean in certain ways and it was like he probably was doing the same thing but i was like that guy is comfortable so for like for years i did that with like but with like a timber like a shaking voice you know what i mean i'm not fooling anybody i totally totally, this is going to sound like bullshit. I remember you going from here to here comedically with confidence.

You just kicked it up a notch. And I went up to you because we were all struggling. And you're clueless as a comic. Should I do this? Should I do that? Should I do this? And should I go blackface? Should I go props?

You know, we're all thinking. In Mark's case, both. Yeah. We all supported it. Yes. Thank you for that. These were different times three years ago. Hopefully that footage isn't unearthed.

I hate unearthed. It's so dramatic. But my point is I went up to you because I was just always looking for tips or notes or anything. And I said, your confidence is up. What would you do? Would you change? And all you said was, every line that comes into my head i just say it now instead of worrying like is this funny is that something is it you just just regurgitate it all just throw it out there for

everybody by the way i think mel gibson and michael richards is the same thing i mean there's a little censoring yeah yeah for sure but no like yeah but i think even i think i needed that you know what i mean to then get back to like okay i can think a little bit more but i felt so reserved that i was like oh i can't riff at all or be in the moment because i'm so held back by like whatever filter i have yes so it was like i had to just be like oh just say anything say it and then clean it up later yeah Yeah. And it was also, that was years ago, where it was like before everyone filmed anything. Anonymity was nice. Yeah, yeah.

So it was like, it was huge to be able to just bomb without any worry at all. I know, I know. Isn't that crazy? You need that for comedy. I used to think about doing prom shows. I said the worst shit. Oh my God. Oh my God.

These kids, oh my God. And then when you fucked them. That was actually the least offensive part. I was still doing my act. I still counted it. No, I remember there was one night at LOL and it's like, I can't remember for the life of me what I said. I just have this very vivid memory of looking an old Indian man in the face face giving him the finger and going fuck you and getting off and it's like i whatever like went up to that moment like but it's like exactly you're

like yeah i am so in that club he probably deserved it i still stand by that i think he did i think it was one rude engineer from bangladesh i do but uh the good thing about you is you can go wait i'm indian you do have the ethnically ambiguous look i mean what do you get i mean i get i you know jewish is the most common but i think that's just a product of like living in new york there's more jews here than others just means you're an uncool italian yeah i never get italian which is like always very insulting but i i got this the other day and i didn't really know what it meant because i don't know a ton about judaism but i was outside like joe's pizza like uh in williamsburg and i was just eating a slice and this guy comes up to me I got this the other day and I didn't really know what it meant because I don't know a ton about Judaism but I was outside Joe's Pizza

in Williamsburg and I was just eating a slice and this guy comes up to me and he was like, are you Jewish? and I was like, I'm not and he goes, ah, that's a shame, we needed a 12th we needed a 12th Jew I don't know for what what is that, like a 12 step Jew program? a sport?

I don't know, but for me I was like, you're not doing yourself any favors with their sorcery involved maybe it's a softball team it could have been a softball team six on six softball I think it was some and I don't know but I think it was some kind of ceremony that

not anything devious but just some kind of religious ceremony you look in the window they're putting deer blood on their face. I think the Jews do put sheep blood on the door. It's on something. It's on something. There's blood involved. I'm a terrible Jew.

Orthodox, the super Jewish do that. Yeah, yeah. They'll use animal blood. Goat's blood, I think it is. Priests put it on their finger after they do what they do. That's just celebratory. i don't knock that jew blood but yeah no i would get jewish a lot i used i mean like i got mexican more when i was younger but i think i've like aged out of mexican a little bit and now it's i mean now it's pretty much strictly the occasional jewish but like the standard is middle eastern yeah middle me, I see the most.

Yes. I get that the most often. Like any audition I've ever... I've showed up to auditions. I remember showing up to an audition for the part of Samir, and then when I signed into the call sheet, there were six guys named Samir there. Wow. I was like, yeah, he's here.

There's no way I'm going to get it. That's crazy. It might not have been six. There's probably like three or whatever. And Biggie's just good, though, for roles. Because you're probably the only guy who's auditioned for Harold and Kumar. Yeah, they save a buck that way. Right, exactly.

Yeah, I do. And then I have another memory of whoever the guy is that directed The Bourne Identities, like Doug, I'm not sure his Bourne Identities, like Doug. I'm not sure his last name. Oh, Lyman. Yeah, Doug Lyman. Is that Lyman? Yeah, he's the first one.

He did Swingers. Oh, okay. Yeah. So there was some Verizon commercial, and I would only go out for like cab driver, hot dog vendor, hijacker. So it's this Verizon commercial. And I was just doing the cab driver and i was doing the lines it was a callback so it was like you know this is a big deal it's one of the first auditions there's so many people in the room i'm nervous and like the born identity is like my mom's

favorite movie so i walk in and i was like hey man born identity is my mom's favorite movie he could give a fuck about that yeah yeah so i sit down i started doing the cab driver and they just go they were like ah can you do this like a little more ethnic for us and i was like well like what do you mean years ago with this i mean this was probably like six years ago yeah this is pretty this is climate's changed yes you could get away with this in a casting room so like and i was like now they say a little more uh new york authentic right a little more uh i don't know jackson heightsy um could you be smellier so i'm fucking so i'm so i'm doing it and then um and i said because i was very i was like i was worried because i was like look i can't do the voice so if you want me to do the voice it's going

to be racist right because i'm not good at the voice and that's how it's just going to be and they're like i'm sure it'll be fine so the the minute I start, I don't even say words. I just go, dooty booty, dooty booty. Where should we go, ma'am? It's not even in the script. And they were like, yeah, that'll be enough. Why did you add stuff? I felt the character.

You're the reason they killed off Apu. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, and I remember hari was right outside the room and right after that i saw him take out his notepad and just furiously write but yeah i just it was exactly i was like ah let me try to find it yeah so i did that first to like rev the engine it was so horrible you got down you started praying five times at the audition and that's my biggest fear is that like those casting directors get they have the tapes and they just get drunk and they just watch the tapes with each other or they

go oh this guy's somebody now right we're gonna leave this this is This is going to be a tragedy for him. But they get to enjoy that later. Like, remember that fucking guy with the booty booties? I do kind of love that, yeah. That they could at least have a good time with that. What is going on with self-tapes? Have you ever gotten... I've auditioned, I've done 900 self-tapes.

I've never gotten one. Maybe I've gotten two callbacks in 900, maybe. That's pretty good. No, we're not actors. No. I mean. That's pretty good. We're not actors. No. I mean, that's the thing. We're going against people. But think about this.

We're going against people who their whole life is acting. Right. It's literally like them showcasing on a stand-up show with us. Yeah. How come I can't book this? I know. You're on with pros. And mine's like an iPhone tilted up on a counter.

And I'm like, am I in front of it? And then you have to re-watch it to make sure you got halfway in it i'm always reading it with my friend i read with john weisberg all the time who's like stuttering through his words yeah you're blowing the rhythm i know yeah i do yeah i do it with julia my fiance who's like gets too into it there gets like it clicks in her a little bit that she's like i could have this role right and then all of a sudden it's like you're making this about you and now it's a major problem because you're doing so much better than me off screen right and like you're making me look horrible right and i get it yeah i also think i mean the three of us not that whatever you guys you know like you guys are amazing comics but i don't think the three of

us whatever shut up but keep it moving um but the three of, I don't know that we're like natural performers. No, no, no. We love writing jokes and we love stand-up. But that just happens to be the medium we have to get up there and say the jokes. Yes. Acting is, I mean, look, some great comics are great actors. Of course. But a lot of acting is the opposite of comedy.

Comedy is like trashing, pretent vulnerability all that shit and that's our whole that's our weakness that's our kryptonite i see headshots and i'm like get over it that's actors yeah exactly there's something to to be a good actor you have to be able to read bad dialogue well and yeah and like we hate bad dialogues we're more writers than actors. So it's, you know. And you have to like, turn that part of your brain off

that's like insecure. And some of that insecurity makes you a great comic because you're constantly in turmoil with yourself inside. So if you're an actor, you just don't hear any of that.

And you can just be so emotional and vulnerable. Yeah. But every moment we're checking ourselves and being like, you can't, what are you nuts? You can't act like that, you like that you lunatic oh dude but that's what makes you great

as a comic terrible as an actor exactly that i did an audition in la and i went to the play this is eight years ago i was damn remember going to audition oh it would take your whole day you drive around la in a rental car it's eight hours between you gotta go to malibu you gotta go to santa monica then you gotta go to go to Venice. It was a nightmare. So I had three auditions, and it took the whole day. So I'm in this little bungalow trailer thing on some lot. And they're like, OK, did you get the sides? I'm like, I didn't get the sides, even though I got them and I never read them.

So I was like, I'll wing it. I'll figure it out when I'm there. I get there. They go, OK. And I sat down with an old man. And they gave me the paper. And I read it real quick he dies next to me my dad has a heart attack we're watching a football game and they get the

dad's like and i'm like dad get out of here what are you crazy ah and they're like get out get out they kicked me out that's how bad my audition. I drove all the way there until like an hour. Ten seconds, I was gone. That's so funny. I can't act like that. Sadness. Right. You want to go, I just met this guy. You break immediately, and you just be like, I just want to be a real person in front of you.

That's comedy. The situation is hilarious. So Mark having to show emotion. Oh, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. Yeah. I would. Let's try it real quick.

Mark, I'm dying right now. This is your friend Sam dying. Let's see if you't do it. I couldn't do it. Yeah, I would. Let's try it real quick. Mark, I'm dying right now. This is your friend Sam dying. Let's see if you can do this. This is an acting exercise for Mark. Ready? All right, what are you, gay? Come on, get it together. But no one's tried that.

Maybe it brings the guy back to life. Nobody knows. He's not wrong. There you go. The science isn't there. What are you, choking on semen? Come on. Shut up, you prick prick all of a sudden you're revived mark you're reading for a civil rights lawyer marco said hi you fucking

yeah i would love i would love to have seen i think both of you for different reasons like in an audition mark for that reason and sam for some sort of confrontation that you would find somewhere in there yeah just with somebody who you call a phony well i could do that one I think I had a call with my what do you call it the guy who finds you gigs like the audition guy the acting agent

one of those guys this guy Dean really cool guy slick LA guy and he was like so I want you to know like if you have if you don't feel you know connected with a role if you read it and it doesn't hit home for you you don't have you know connected with a role if you read it and it doesn't hit home for you you don't have to do it because i was just doing everything just trying to

be nice totally and i was like oh i didn't know we could he's like yeah no we want you to just go out for roles you want i was like okay and he should have never told me that because now every email i'm like not connecting i don't even read them anymore not connecting this one says comedian with a drinking problem like yeah it's not yeah, it's not working for me. Stretch. Can't do it. I got no range. It's funny. These agents sometimes, they're like, you could do this.

I'm like, you're a better actor than I am. Yeah. Oh, that's a really good point. You're believing in me right now. Totally. So true. You've been acting the whole time you signed me. The whole, every email, everything.

How are you not doing that? How is it clicked for you? It's your agent. You're killing it. You're killing it. You're killing it. I'm like, you're good. Yeah. You're good.

The amount of times they've said, you're killing it, Adam. You have the best. Can we tell that agent story? Oh, sure. Yeah. You can tell that. This is one of the best. Did I tell you this?

Oh, yeah. This is great. Oh, man. This is like, so this is, i guess this happened like sometime last year right so i write this script you know um it's getting good feedback from a lot of people i'm like really excited about it so i sent it out people are responding like right away i sent it to my agent he doesn't respond for a month and like it's so crazy how we're so ingrained that we're like that's kind of standard but it's like that's nonsense you know what i mean like this is your

one job i gave you a thing that's good this is your one job. I gave you a thing. That's good. This is your job to sell that thing. You should be so excited. So he doesn't get back to me. And he's like, finally does get back to me. And like his response was so condescending. He was just like, scripts are hard, but you wrote one.

And that's great. Wow. Not even like that's like subtext. That's like pretty much the email. Holy shit. I'm furious. I want to tell him to fuck off right back. wow not even like that's like subtext that's like pretty much the email so i'm holy shit i'm furious i want to tell him to fuck off right back so instead of that like my writing partner i mean you guys know shacky so he's writing with me so he's like don't email your agent that just you know let off steam email that's your manager so i'm like so i email that to my manager but i'm

also in the email like making fun of him for like you know like it's like agent agent speak where they're just like i'm so jiminy jazzed about like what we're working on these days, my man. So like I email my manager back in the way he talks and then he email him back in the way he talks. So I'm like, man, I'm so super psyched to have you on the project. Like tell me the lot you want in Malibu. Let's look at real estate right now. Let's get on Z zillow like that kind of attitude yeah so i send that to him but not knowing that i copied and pasted by accident all the shit talking i was doing to him in the body of that email so i send him everything well what kind of shit are we talking like fuck this guy or i hate this guy a little bit of that but like more like impersonating him in emails which is like i would say even worse you know do you think he caught it

yeah he read it all of course he read it all so he emails me back he emails me back and he goes like hey man that's great news like about like this network responding to the project but uh i don't think you meant to send me all that other stuff that you sent in the email oh and uh yeah i was like you know look i'm sorry like i'm not like i'm sorry you have to like read that way yeah but i'm not sorry about like any of the like uh any of the actual feelings like sure but uh damn that's brutal but yeah no it was i i felt it was weird because like i felt at some point like i was like it's funny so i was just like it's like a fun story and i did feel kind of like all right this had been going on too long and i probably would just let it go on forever

so it was kind of like a way out of it but i did feel horrible that that's the way he found out you know what i mean like i even like the lowest person in my head i never want them to be in that position no matter how much they've wronged me like that i was like that's fucked up yeah but yeah i had a similar thing happen with an ex-girlfriend i texted a friend like i would come by but i gotta hang out with my dumb girlfriend it's gonna be boring as shit and i sent it to her and but luckily it was so mean that she thought it was a joke sure yeah so i was like thank god i was mean you have to like ham it up even more the next three she's like this seems pointed at her dumb bitch i hate her so much what's my mother have to do with this yeah but i got away with it thank god but boy the feelings

you go through of like how how can I reverse this? Can I go back and do a Superman and spin the Earth back? Like, you want to like pray unto God for some kind of rewind button. I felt that for a second, but I think if he was like a better agent, I would have actually felt that. But I think I was more like, hey, I'm like kind of happy he like knows that I'm pissed off.

I'm not happy that that's how he found out, but I am happy he knows that. You worked hard on the the script and it's like you want at least like fake support or something not yeah yeah what about uh can you talk about the show you're doing now the one man show yeah of course yeah ask me you know anything you want about that yeah so i started doing that great premise it's exciting as hell this yeah i'm excited for you i'm excited too man it's been like it's been interesting and completely different to do because like you know we're all like comics that came up in new york so you're like one you're like so many jokes per second you know that's how we came up surviving at open mics that way sort of like to do so i'm doing this one-man show about

my dad who was a made man in a crime family and i found that out when i was 18 up until that point my mom told me that he just died in a car accident so wow yeah so at 18 i found that out and then like 10 or like you know about 10 years after that i found out that like he had been in prison for like five years he was like you know like a murderer like he was like a contract killer he was a violent hitman italian guy from jersey all right what are the odds just checking holy shit yeah did he have a cool nickname uh he actually didn't have a cool nickname which i was a little bit yeah but then i was like i was yeah i was a little disappointed but I was also like all right that's kind of good that he's not like you know that's my father knuckles malone yeah I mean like it's

still my dad so I was like man it was kind of a measured subdued like nickname right right you got the same eyes as the ice yeah yeah a contract killer that's crazy man yeah it's pretty it's pretty heavy I mean obviously there's a lot more to him as a person than that's crazy man yeah it's pretty it's pretty heavy i mean obviously there's a lot more to him as a person than that but those you know those are the things i read in a newspaper so it was yeah it's pretty heavy to find out so i yeah so i started like i wanted to because i never really talked about this with anybody like my mom was like don't ever talk about this anyway when i was 18 years old like even friends whatever but for your safety yeah for my safety a little bit of like she went through it all with him so like for her like she knew i guess like the um the stakes of like what

he was and what could happen and what could be but i mean this is years removed from it but i also understand her concern. Of course. So I never said anything. But then years went by and it's like, man, you hold on to something like that, especially around like, you know, it's like I didn't tell you guys until recently. Right. I thought your dad died of cancer. Yeah, exactly. For years, yeah. It's like I don't like lying.

Like I don't like lying in general. You know what I mean? Unless it's like very fun and I'm at a wedding. I'm a doctor. general you know what i mean unless it's like very fun and i'm at a wedding but like i'm a doctor but like you know i i hate keeping anything from the people that you know i love in my life so it was like yeah it was like really hard for me to do so eventually i was like i don't want to do that any longer and especially like comedy in new york it's like truth is currency you know it's like i just didn't want i didn't want to do that any longer so made that decision and then was like okay i'll start talking about him on stage just kind of thought this would

be a chunk in my act and then as i was doing it i was like yeah the jokes weren't hitting and i don't like you know maybe they weren't great jokes but also it was like i think people in the audience were like this is too complicated to just like unpack in a stand-up set i have a similar problem yeah it's tough right you have one of my favorite lines that i think about all the time This is too complicated to just unpack in a stand-up set. I have a similar problem. Yeah. It's tough. Right. You have one of my favorite lines that I think about all the time about how, you know when something crazy happens to you? Let's say you get held up at gunpoint or whatever, and people are like, whoa, that's going to

be a killer 10 minutes. The pressure to write that is so strong that I can't think of it, but I can write 20 minutes on gay sex. Of course. Because it's just there. Yeah. And you have that joke or that line You know, because it's just there. Yeah. And you have that joke or that line about like, my mom is dating a black, blind. Right, right.

Whatever it is. Yeah. And I've never felt more pressure to write a joke. Yeah. So you got a punchline about that problem. Yeah. Which I'm so jealous of that line. Oh, it's a very inside comedy joke.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was one like that specifically because people where i would tell them that story they'd be like you gotta write about this but everything i had was like it just felt cosmetic and i wasn't getting to like the core of what it was and i think yeah because i think you do a similar thing where you like you record and then listen to like what you're like what jokes you're working on and everything that i've like heard wasn't hitting and then that

was the line where i was like oh this is the only thing that I think makes sense for the situation. So I was like, even if it's more comics that get it, this is to the bone where other stuff felt more on the surface. Uh-huh, right. So yeah, so with this show, that's what it felt like, where I was like, oh, I can't just unpack this in like five minutes at the end of a set. Like this needs to be its own thing. Also, it's not like the type of, it's too complicated and real.

I mean, people are like, you're following someone going, you know, dating's weird. And you're going, my dad was murdered. And they're just like, all right. Yeah. Are you on Tinder though? Because we don't understand. Is your dad on Tinder?

Are you cool? Is your dad on Tinder? Are you cool? Is your dad cool? Well it's such a It's funny like Rock will do a thing Chris Rock will do a thing sometimes where he Repeats a premise Alopecia He'll keep repeating the premise though

Because it's usually such a heady premise You know and I mean yeah this is a rich topic for clubs. Yes. Yeah, and even going back to the rock thing, I think that's why he's, like, my favorite and such a master, because he had, like, he had such heady, smart ideas that he was, like, saying, he was performing to audiences

that normally wouldn't get those. Right. So he had to like he performs the shit out of those in such a way that's probably unnatural to him but he's smart enough to know like well if i want to get across what i want to get across it has to be done this way it's just such an accomplishment as like a writer to performer kind of thing i know it's so hard it's so hard to write heavy shit and make it accessible and quick and packaged to where it's funny. And they can just eat it up.

And maintain your integrity with the idea. It's so difficult. But yeah, to what you're saying, yes. That part of it, I've never done this before because I'm more of a joke guy than a story guy but with this like it I was doing it as like more like in the vein of like a series of stand-up jokes while trying to like tell this story and it just like it wasn't working because of the personal nature of the story and it's a lot of stuff that like I've never really talked about before and especially on stage so like I'm working through it and I always thought like when people said that in like such a like a esoteric kind of way like i was like that's kind of bullshit but then like as i'm doing it like i am feeling that

where i'm like some of the lines like i'll say and for a brief second i'm not remembering them i'm saying them and i'm like shit this is like hitting me in the moment and like i'm about to cry and i this is fucked up have you talked about this stuff in therapy before performing yes yeah oh the minute i plopped down in therapy, because I couldn't talk about this with anybody. So she was like, hi, so you're Anthony. I was like, my dad was a main band. And she was like, let me get my pen. She's like, this isn't going to be an analyze this situation.

They did that line in The Sopranos. Remember that? They did a thing where I don't need to analyze this. Dude, so you were talking about this with a therapist. That, to me, is so interesting because you're trying to work through it as a human, but then you're also. Yes. You're like, was that funny, that line that he gave you? Oh, yeah.

Yes. Your dad's thinking, my son's a fucking snitch. Yeah. Yeah. That is the interesting thing because it is like it is very heavy complicated material but i know that i'm still doing a show yeah so it is like there are like there are lines and especially too because some of the lines are just like they're serious because i'm trying to i'm trying to convey emotion that's not just laughter only because the moment needs that like i wouldn't

if it didn't i wouldn't but there's like i've never wrote that way so like you're running the line of likes being saccharine and that's been the challenging part you know what i mean like saying a line that's like effective emotionally but doesn't seem like i'm purposely trying to be effective yes and then yeah you have those like i'm like i don't know if that tag works about like him being in the trunk. You know what I mean? It's like it's insane to sort of like split your brain into these different places and still be like a human being. That's crazy.

But this is great because these one man shows or one person shows, a lot of them, I feel like they're trying to replicate that feeling part. And you're a good comic. So you have their feelings are real and you get the great writing. So I can't wait to see it. Yeah, man. I mean, it's getting there. It's just a matter of, like, it honestly, I still don't know if it's a one-man show. I don't even know what that is.

I just know that it has sad parts. So I'm just saying that so people aren't, like, disappointed that it's not a full stand-up hour. Sure, sure. But, like. That's good. That's okay. It feels like a more theater-y show sure sure but like that's good that's okay it feels like a more theater-y show the way you've broken it down yeah one man show type of yes the pace of it because i approached it just with like let me just fill it with jokes not and this is a

lot to shaki's credit who's also directing it who was like really great at being like no like this needs to have an arc you need to have like a reason that you're doing this. He put all the pieces in place that's like, we kind of needed to approach this more of like you're writing a pilot than you are writing a stand-up act. Oh, wow. So you need to establish a character in the beginning of like, this is who you are. This is why this problem in your life is so difficult,

and these are the stakes of that problem. Right. And then it goes from there. Like a Neil brennan kind of thing yes yeah exactly doing a similar piece like that thing i think it's called unacceptable right it's all about his childhood and all that but it's it's an hour but it's more yes this what uh how is your mom dealing with you doing this i mean she uh so i mean it's interesting because she always looked at my dad because she knows my dad as like not just whatever you would read in the paper you know what i mean like and like the sopranos does this a wonderful job of depicting like people in this life all sides of

them so like she knows him as this guy who loved to dance and who loved to like go to broadway and like these sorts of things so she saw him as like someone who, if he wasn't born into this, if he was just given a choice, he might not have done this. In what ways was he born into it? I mean, it is... Because you're born into it. Yeah. If you grow up around it or raised in it,

you're going to be more susceptible to falling in line. Was his dad a main man? Yes, yes. So the surrounding element to him was all in it. So it's like even if people want to say you always have a choice, but it's like you kind of don't if it's just that's completely your environment. So my mom, for him, she was like, oh, I know him as this other version. So for me, if she stopped me from doing a thing that I wanted to do to express myself,

she would be doing to me what was done to him. Gotcha. And that way she kind of didn't want to, I guess, make in her head that same mistake. So for her, she was like, I can't stop you from doing this. But she does. Everything is run by her. Wow. Does she laugh at it? Yeah.

I mean, she contributes. Wow. I'll say that's the hardest part. I mean, it's kind of, I talk about it in the show a little bit. But like, yeah, I feel like my mom pitches me jokes for the show. And I have to be like, yeah, man, we can't do that. You got to put in a small dick. No, she literally said stuff like that my mom is constantly trying to work in the movie oceans 11 like it's

very difficult to turn these things down wait can i ask a million i got a million mom yeah man just ask whatever you want all right so you grew up you didn't know he was in the mob till you were 18 you said okay so you guys must have been pretty well off. I mean, he's a made guy. He must have been bringing in big change. No, I mean, he's also a gambler. So a lot of that goes out the window a little bit. Okay. So no, no.

I mean, my family, my house is my mom, my great grandma, my grandma, and my youngest aunt. Holy shit. Yeah, it was like those people who lived in a shoe. A lot of estrogen, too. A lot of estrogen. Wow. Yeah, yeah, like those people who lived in a shoe. A lot of estrogen, too. A lot of estrogen. Wow. Did he hate you? Not hate you, but was he like, my son's a puss?

No, I mean, he was dead when I was born. Oh, shit. I didn't know that. Yeah, no, it's okay. He died when I was born, so I would have no idea. But for what my mom has said of him, he was kind of like a song and dance kind of guy. And he loved, they would go to Dangerfields all the time. Really?

Yes, because Dangerfields back then was the spot. Now it's gone, but it hasn't really changed since then. So they would go to Dangerfields. He loved comedy. Wow. So there is that thing of like, oh, I don't think, I think he would be proud. I mean, if anything, it he would, it would be awkward. Yeah.

If he's in the crowd. Right, right. There's like a gun on a table. But, yeah, so, you know, I don't know, but I do think like he would be proud of me in that aspect. And like, it's like, man, if you're in that and like, like real tough guys don't need to be tough all the time. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? You just kind of, it's there when you need it.

And that's what really separates. You don't have to tell us, dude. Yeah, no. Who am I talking to? It's like a fight club in here. It's like a UFC locker room. But like, you know, like so many people that posture so much, it's like, well, they're not going to do anything. But like the people, I mean, this isn't true all the time. But the people the people that are like oh i know i have this in me and i'll just let it out

when i have to like it's like those are the people you generally have to worry about right and like from what my mom describes he was of that ilk so like i don't think he would be like my son's a pussy as much as like he would be like oh yeah he doesn't when he doesn't need to but if something happened maybe he would you know what i mean um did he have a temper yes oh boy yeah that's exciting yeah no and i i have a temper as well yeah yeah so there are qualities like and like knowing that too is interesting and i think that's why you have a temper but you're pretty you're pretty calm guy though i'm pretty calm but if i flip it's like it's like embarrassing do you know what i mean like where you're like because i'm not i'm not used to anger so like when it happens it's like it's

i'm like a new person at it well do you feel like you bottle a lot of it up maybe to i think i do i mean like i like i was we were talking yesterday i was like i have a night guard so i must you know what i mean like oh something shit. Something is happening. Like I'm not. Yeah, because I grind my teeth at night. No, it's a big Italian guy outside his apartment. They call him Vinny Night Guard. Do you need dental work?

So you have a lot of anxiety. Yeah, I do. But like, yeah, he was more, my mom would say, he would get a look in his eyes. And when he got that look in his eyes, that's when you were like, you got to get away from him. Because after that, it's like it's red after that. And like growing up, I mean, I'm, you know, luckily for me, I didn't grow past like five foot six. Right. Like I think if I was bigger, I might have had more of the quality that I had when I was younger, which is like, yes, I was very quick to snap. And if I did, it was like, you know, red.

Like I fought a kid for a whole year when we were in third grade. Like, you know, they would lock us. They would lock us in the courtroom and shut the lights. And I would just go at this kid who was like way bigger than me. Really? Because like I do have this streak in me. And I think that's why I am very tempered as well, because I know it's there, but I also know my demeanor. And I know that if I have this sort of killer-be-killed mentality at my size, I'll be killed.

So I think it's also like I'm very aware also of just my size. Yeah. Well, we got your nickname. And it's Anthony the Third Grader. nickname. And it's Anthony the third grader. We Might Be Drunk is thrilled to welcome our new sponsor, Fanimal. I love live events. I hate buying tickets.

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Also, I have to read this disclaimer, warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Remember, if you're interested in a better way to use nicotine, visit Lucy.co and be sure to use that promo code DRUNK. Hear, hear. Was there ever any temptation for that type of life for you? Was there ever a point where you were like, well, maybe I am my dad's kid, you know? No.

I mean, I think after the fact, I would think that if I ever got to that point where I was like really mad um and like i couldn't see out of my um anger but like otherwise no because that's too far gone you know what i mean like my mom did do a great job of like keeping me so far away from it until having to tell me at 18 like it's like i wasn't allowed to watch the godfather growing up like i didn't see that until i was like 30 wow because she was because that story is basically about a guy who's outside of things and then gets pulled in to the business and then becomes... And he's kind of this like... You're Michael in that scenario.

Yeah, exactly. Whoa. Yeah. No, man, it took me until like a couple of years ago until I watched The Sopranos. Because it's like... I mean, they shot the last scene in my hometown. Damn. So it's like it's very real in some ways

and and real i mean real earth for my mom because she went through it real earth to me just because it's like the attachment is different like when i see tony soprano i see my father and i can't not separate that and like in the lowest moments you go oh this is hilarious they're burying a body in the woods these are characters yeah but go, that's my fucking dad. Damn. So it's always been heavier for me. And it's not to say I don't love the show. And I think the show has done this amazing job with nuance,

with these lives. But that's part of the show is being like, hey, I'm not saying you're wrong for thinking all this stuff is cool. I just can't agree with you until you know everything about me. That's really it. Well said. Hear, hear.

That's interesting. Yeah. And it would be weird if you could just separate that. Totally. It'd be nuts if I was like, isn't it hilarious? It's like, that would be crazy if I was that detached. Do you know, and this is a little queefy here, but do you know how he died?

Yeah, I mean, he was, yeah. Is that giving away too much? No, it's not. You preface that with, this little queefy here, but do you know how he died? Yeah. I mean, he was. Is that giving away too much? No. You preface that with this is queefy? Wow. You're not exactly on fresh air here. This might be a little queefy.

Do you know how your dad died? I don't know if this is too spicy or too dicey or too, what's the word? Third rail. I don't know the term here. What's the word? Third rail. I don't know the term here. What am I looking for? I don't know if this is too provocative. I don't know. Personal?

There you go. Personal is good. All right, personal. I like it. I like spicy, but old Sam the book reader has made us say personal. No, it's not at all. No, he was found in the trunk in Manhattan. Whoa.

Well, he made it to the big city, at least. But damn, the trunk. He's fine, man. Don't worry. That's so on the nose. It's so mob. Yeah. Yeah, I am.

Yeah, I know that. Yeah, exactly. And it is pretty funny because sometimes people just guess it and then I just have to say yes. Do you know what I mean? Right, right. I'm like, what was he found in the trunk? And I'm like, how did you know? Yeah.

Like, it's very awkward. I mean, that's horrible for your mother. I can't imagine, like, you know, were they on good or bad terms when this happened? They were, I mean, they had just had me seven months ago but damn and he did five years in prison he did five years in prison but he said he said a thing going into prison which kind of made like my mom every time you know you know you you know you get these little hints along the way of like the severity of what he's doing but my mom like i said she knew him as this like very loving and person, and he was, you know?

But before he went to prison, he was like, if you cheat on me while you're in there, I'll kill one of your sisters. So it was like, that was the moment where she was like- I've had women say that to me, though. Yeah, that's not a big deal.

I've seen this at the fat place. But that was the moment for her when she was like, oh, I have to give up. You know what I mean? I have to give up on him. So at that point, I mean, they weren't on good terms, but it was still like, hey, man, this is her husband. And when you have a child, you know, things do like that clouds you a little bit.

So I'm sure she was like it probably was like a lot of ambivalence. probably was like a lot of ambivalence and then but like when this happens it's so gruesome and horrific that it's like no matter what you hearken back to the moments when you like knew this person as like alive and bubbly and joyful and warm and all these other things so it's like yeah it's like i mean so that the show really her story drives the show like that's like not to get too technical but it's like that's the a plot and then the b plot are the parallels in my life which feed into her story right with like running themes behind it but like really the show is about her like i purposely don't say his name i mean i don't say his name in the show for like obvious reasons but i don't say his name because it's like i want people to take away that like this is this is

my story about my relationship with my father and who he was, obviously, and that's why people are there. But at the end of the day, this is her story and the strengths she showed and everything that she went through. And she protected you from that life. Yeah, yeah. And this is one of her lines. She said when he died, it was a chance for us to escape their world. And she goes, we need to call the show The Great Escape.

That's cute. I got a better one godfather four now was there any attempt and i'm sure your mom probably cockblocked this but was there any attempt for from the old the old boys out there to try to get you in no i don't think i mean like i mean i'm sure if they watch my clips there's no chance with this guy we've been hearing stuff about you knocking up as a third grader yeah we could use you in this we could use a young guy with you yeah yeah we need a rudy no man i don't think so i mean i think it was so long ago and like um i you know i some of them we are friends like on social media and stuff and like you know wait what you know like younger family members and like oh they have families like they seem you know what i mean like the point of the show is like not in the point of the show is honestly to show him in a light of like you think

you know these people but like they are like multi-faceted like as we all are but like the like my dad because like for me i was when i learned that about like the trunk and the murder and like this and that i was like i was ashamed of it you know really yeah i mean like that's your father you know what i mean it's not entertainment it's your dad so it's very different and then you you know obviously like you were saying like these movies like they hold so much for us in terms of like entertainment value. So people immediately would be like, that's so cool. Same with the bull, this or that.

And I would like it was hard because I was like, this is my dad. I feel very differently about this because it's so personal to me. So the show to me is to like find a way to love my dad. So by the end of it, it's like kind of an examination of like what is a good person and what is a bad person and being like he's all these things but i choose to love him for these other things even despite you know all this other stuff wow and like that's in all of us you know what i mean um i said duty booty duty i'm not a saint you know know what I mean? You're still a good person. I put shit in perspective because I'm ashamed of my dad for he wears socks with sandals. Upsets me.

Come on. Black socks? What are you doing? Everybody's different. If this was E, that would be more of a crime. Yeah, man. It's so interesting. I mean, you did a great job on This American Life.

Yes. You did an episode about yeah your uh your grandma yes that was about my grandma finding uh love in the nursing home she i mean you know like this blind black guy one leg that you meant and like my grandma was someone who swore completely off love uh my grandfather lived in the living room my whole childhood she banished him to the living room. So there was like a lot there. And you thought he was the tenant. I thought he was the tenant.

My whole family called him the tenant. No. Yeah. They joked around and they were like, that's the tenant. And when you're a kid, you just take everything your family says as face value. Yeah. So I was like, sure, the tenant. And then like, you know, when you have a friend come over for the first time, that's when

you're like, things might be fucked up around here. So my friend John, he's looking around the room and he gets to this like there's a guy in the living room, no shirt on, sweatpants, eating a waffle. And he's like, who's that guy? And I was like, that's the tenant. And he was like, what's a tenant? And I was like, I don't really know what that is. I asked my mom about it that night. She was like, that's not the tenant.

That's your grandfather. Wow. And they just didn't think that they had to disclose that information. But for my mom, she was like, I was hoping you'd never ask because I didn't want you to know that's what could happen in a marriage. So he cheated on my grandmother in the 60s. She never forgave him. He wouldn't leave the house that was in his name. She wouldn't spend money on a divorce.

So she just banished him to the living room, marked all the food in the fridge, not for John, except for the waffles. And that was it. That's incredible. Yeah. There were never good times between them ever again. No, no, no. They were. Well, this is the other thing with him.

So he died, and he didn't just cheat on her. He had a whole other family in the Bronx. So I think I have, like, Puerto Rican cousins. I don't really know. So, and this was the, I just think it's so funny on his deathbed and my mom found this out on his deathbed in the hospital she went to go see him and there was this Puerto Rican woman

on his bed and my mom goes are you his nurse and she goes I'm his wife and she goes who are you and my mom goes I'm his daughter and my grandfather the whole time went I don't know who she is Oh. And she goes, who are you? And my mom goes, I'm his daughter. Oh, shit. And my grandfather the whole time went, I don't know who she is. Wow.

Just played complete ignorance. And then the funeral director walked in like, you know Jimmy Waffles? He's like, I don't know that guy. Yeah, no. That is crazy. That's insane. He died. My grandmother opened a Coors Light, just drank it, smiled, and said, where do you want to celebrate? What? Wow. Old school. Yeah, smiled, and said, where do you want to celebrate?

That's old school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. Old school. Tough, tough, tough as nails. Tough. Coorsy Italian woman. And some weird product placement for Coors Light on this episode.

I have to get them in somehow. Not grandma. That's over. Damn. so uh so your grandma met a guy in the nursing home who was much younger yes it was a quarter her age so i believe when she he she met him she was 90 and he was 62 okay and uh and my grandmother too i mean like she's an italian woman from jersey you know, her politics are racist. And met him first. Honestly, I think like the first black guy she ever like talked to and was like, oh, I was wrong about everything. And then like, I mean, retroactive geriatric Bronx tale.

Yeah, man. Retroactively claimed she voted for Obama. I was like, you're a registered Republican. It's like not even possible. What's that, a 32 year age gap there? That doesn't fly. That's a lot was like you're a registered republic it's like not even possible what's a 32 year age gap there that doesn't fly that's a lot different when you're 90 yeah yeah when you're 40 either way it's gross yeah that's true that's so funny all these like tech ceos are pointing to that story it's fine when they do it though so that's crazy and and they just like, it's fine when they do it, though. So that's crazy.

And they just, they got married? They, no, the problem was they were going to get married, but it would have messed up their Medicaid stuff. So we couldn't have them married because it would mess up, like, the paperwork to keep her in the nursing home because it was so expensive. So she's not an honest woman? Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Appalling. We were all ashamed of her as a sinner um but so what happened to so we couldn't do it because the paperwork but then he was like well i you know frank her you know then fiance at the time was like i want to get married but he wasn't his own legal guardian his brother was his brother met my grandmother and went you can't marry this woman which i always think is like so funny that it's like she's 90 years old and he's like you could do better one leg he's blind and he was like not her which i respected though i mean my grandma was a pill i love her there's so much here is this stuff going to be in this will be in the one yeah so this stuff is in the one man show and that's what i mean it's like a lot of these like bridge stories that are like

piggybacking off one another and like i that's been a hard part too because like i can't really pull elements because it's it's so long and it's pretty self-contained to like pull elements of this to do in like a club set it like doesn't make a lot of sense it's a lot to throw at an audience it's too much, and I get that. Yeah, but that does suck. Yeah, so I have to do it in its entirety. That's the only way I can work on it is doing it in its entirety. Well, New York comedy, you're following like bam, bam, bam. You're following just people playing the hits,

and it's very hard to find out, to figure out a story. Yes, it is. A story with such depth and characters. Yeah, I'll be at a bar and people are like do you do that on stage i'll be telling some crazy story and i'm like no no they're like why not i'm like it bombs people hate it they're bored well you you you're on the road enough that you could figure that stuff out i think probably i think it's just tough to to figure it out in the city that's when it's like yes so true they're short spots and the rhythm of everybody's sets are short because

the spots are short and like i mean new york is like man it's an impatient town oh yeah you know so like the audience are so the audiences are so savvy for comedy right away and also like they know the pace of it yeah if you don't have a joke every second like you're toast oh it's not just it's not just the jokes it's like it's ordering a sandwich yeah if you're beating around the bush the guy's like get to it yeah even walking you ever have a guy stop to like read a plaque you're like what the fuck man go back to iowa yeah the guy's like i grew up in brooklyn keep it moving you hayseed well that's the thing everybody here is mad at whoever they see because that's potential space they no longer have. Yeah.

So it's like everybody they see, they're like, you're what's keeping me from shopping at Trader Joe's on a Saturday. If you weren't here, I could do that. Dude. So I'm furious at you. I had this today, and I'm not trying to sound like a choo-choo here, but I'm walking in the train to come here, and I'm kind of hustling. I'm kind of hustling, and a homeless guy goes, can I get some change? And I go and i go ah fuck it and i pull i go for the change and my pull it out my keys come out the keys hit the ground i drop the change so now me and the hobo are doing the whole change dance i'm like trying to help him pick it up i go all right you're on your own i leave i see the

train go by and i'm like if i hadn't helped that hobo i I would have caught that train. And so I'm done with hobos. No more money for you. But that's how the city is. It warps whatever humanity you had just because everything's laid. Oh, man. Mark jumps back over the turnstile. Starts fucking wailing on the guy. That's what you get. Give me that nickel back.

He misses another train. He's like, fuck, if I didn't beat the shit out of him. People watching Are like Oh marital dispute Everyone's like So progressive Yeah dude I mean this

I can't wait to see this show I think it's gonna be amazing And you have an album Of different stuff coming out Yeah And a special Wow Yes

When's the special Out next week right I have a stand up special That's out May 26 On my YouTube page So whoever's listening to this For the love of God Subscribe subscribe to my YouTube channel. We love Anthony.

Because I got nobody. He's great. You know, we're joke snobs. We love him. Yep, yep. Dream Occupation, another great album. Yes. He's in half-hour specials.

He's seen them on Colbert. Follow his Instagram. You'll see the clips and everything. Yeah. You really got to get on it your twitter's great too a lot of jokes yeah the clips are great yeah that's you guys man out of the pandemic i just saw that you you guys have you guys have fans now and it was a lot in fact due to like the clips i mean i fought it for years because i was like this is anti-con whatever i

thought whatever my precious head that i thought but now i I see it as like, no, it's kind of the way. It's another job. It's another job, but it's worth it after I saw sort of what you guys have with it. So it's a lot due to you guys. And we write a lot of jokes, all three of us. So like we have a backlog. So now we have shit to post where I don't know if everyone has that backlog. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's made for us. I mean, it's perfect for us. It really is, yeah. But it is a bitch to do it. Do you have any peeves? I know it's weird to go from all this heavy stuff to just like light peeve. It's maybe a way to- No.

Murdering fathers is really a thing. No, yeah, no. I thought of something. I'm just trying to remember it now. It had something to do with like tech people or like corporations uh hang on do you mind you don't mind if i look at my phone for no no look at the phone look at the phone you got anything well i just want to relate because i have a fucked up childhood and people always go you got to talk about it but i maybe a one-person show or whatever you're calling it is

the that might be yeah you might that might be great for you i got a transvestite nanny growing up like a big black guy in a wig a cross-dressing nanny yeah way ahead of your time yes i mean that's wild in new orleans in the 90s and the the house with the robberies and the dilapidated so i'm like this is giving me this is inspiring to me yeah i mean also too like it is good i mean like in general to be like because you know you know your voice as you do comedy so you know like not to say you become a whatever but like you know how you're gonna do stuff you know what i mean yeah like so to do something that's so out of the realm of what you normally do it's possible that you actually grow as a stand-up from it i don't know that i'm seeing any of that growth just yet, but I'm optimistic.

No, I completely agree. It's like Bill Burr says, if you can't go left, go left. Learn it. Figure it out. Yeah. Great Tony V quote years ago. I think it might have been Bill Burr.

I don't know. Tony V is like this Boston legend guy, killer comic, older guy. And Bill Burr goes, Tony, he's like a year in. He's like, I love he's like i you know i love doing comedy i love writing jokes but i hate this network shit i hate the glad handing and all that i don't know how to do that shit and tony just goes get good at it and that was it and

he's like oh yeah you can't just like i don't like this so i'm not doing it it's like no do it blunt is right i remember i saw a comic complained to a tell once about like not it's like oh it's not working for me. And Attell just goes, get funnier. Yeah. Not in a way like you're not funny. It was a comic he likes a lot, but Attell was just being like, what else is there to do?

It was kind of like, doesn't get any blunter or realer than that. Yeah, I don't mind that at all because it's like, well, worst comes to worst, you just get great at this thing. You know what I mean? Instead of blaming a bunch of stuff. Oh, my God. Worst case scenario, you don't get all the things you want, but you became great at this thing. You know what I mean? Instead of blaming a bunch of stuff. Oh, my God. Worst case scenario, you don't get all the things you want, but you became great at this thing. Yes.

So, fine. That's definitely not the worst case scenario. But you know what I mean? Or like dead in a gutter. Sure. But you understand what I'm saying. I know what you mean. Yeah.

But how much of that Facebook shit do you see of like this guy and that guy and that guy? And you're like, yeah, but you still suck. At the end of the day, even if we gave everything to you, you would still bomb. Right. So get better. And I think that's better, too, as just like a mindset as a comic. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I don't know how you guys are, but like I work better when I have like a healthy chip on my shoulder or I position myself as like the underdog. Yeah. You know what I mean? Sure. chip on my shoulder or i position myself as like the underdog you know what i mean sure if i can say to myself oh i just need to get funnier not in a desperate way but just in a way that's like oh that'll make me work harder like that's always better oh yeah oh yeah i know a comic he's pretty funny he's pretty good we all know him but every show he gets off stage and goes the crowd's a little whatever the crowd's not great they're a little tight they're a little weird and then

other people will kill and you're like, you gotta start internalizing this. You gotta stop just every time you're gonna blame the crowd if they're not amazing. Yeah.

Come on. Yeah, and it's like even if that's real. There is that. I'm not saying there's not bad crowds. But every time. But even if that's real,

it's like, oh man, it's like better if you go, oh, I'll be better than they are bad. Exactly. That's a dude or woman who's scared of success who does that. Say it again?

That's someone who's scared of success. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think. Because you can't just be like they're good. Right. You're blaming them, which means I think you're not dealing with other shit. Interesting. When you're blaming the audience.

Yeah. Well, he's not successful, so he's doing great. Yeah. It's like we all do it in the heat of the moment because it's like a visceral reaction. But it's like, yeah, that's so much better if you go, oh, yeah, it doesn't matter who they are or what they are. I'll figure something out to get something out of them. Totally. Totally.

It's easier said than done, obviously. Yeah, it is. It hurts, but you got to do it. But, pet peeve oh did you find it yeah okay it just says coffee snobs i know what this is coffee snobs come on i get so intimidated because i was like but these like coffee shops i think what it is is like they have so much coffee stuff around them that i'm like oh they know so much about coffee. So whatever I order, they're judging my order. And they make me feel stupid.

But I think this is probably more just my own projection. But I think everything I say, like, if I'm like, I'll take a red-eye, they're like, you would. Just snobs in general. Yeah. And I think it's because they have so, like, you know, and it could all be for show, those, like, Chemex things and all it's because they have they have so like you know they and it could all be for show those like chemex things and like all the like the bullshit that they have but like but

i go these are experts and i feel like such a novice and it's just a drink it's so dumb i feel the same way you know what bugs me more than that is like them thinking that i think i know what i'm talking about when you can tell i can't so So my opener is always like, I don't know shit. Right. Whatever you like. Same with wine. I'm like, I don't know shit. Yeah, yes.

But whatever you think, you know. Although I will take chances on that. We did a few episodes with the natural wine, and it's funky, and it's weird. It's great. It's fun to get drunk on. I like that natural shit. Are you guys developing more of a palate?

I wouldn't say that. I didn't mean to give you any indication that we're not trash. No, I mean, I like... Sam Allier? Yay! That could be a shirt. Episode time. That's my DJ name.

But we... No, I do like... Getting drunk on wine is kind of fun. It's a different drunk. Yeah, it's great. I mean, it's like whiskey is like a more intense. Tequila is a little more of like, but wine, you're just silly. You're loose and silly and you might slip.

It's funny. It's weird. I'll dance. I'll fucking dance. The floor seems wet. Yeah. It's a good time. You're loosey goosey.

Totally, man. I like how you're like, did you guys get your palate better? I'm like, we're drinking rum and cokes it's gonna be a more basic drink but yeah i think there's some stuff i guess i think rum and coke was drunk like a lot of adults drank rum and cokes around me yeah so i associate that with like that's an adult drink even though it's like you know it's for real estate agents who aren't doing well yeah whatever but in my head i'll never stop that like little kid brain of like, this is what the sophisticated adults drink, a rum and Coke.

I can't take rum seriously. To me, rum is like beachy, pina colada-y. Totally. But yeah, I just never touch rum, really. It's not for me, although I think Hemingway was a big rum guy. I think he was a big everything guy. But he was also a, He was like on the beach guy He was like Key West and Jamaica, Cuba

He was like a linen guy You know what I mean? Yes He could wear one of those like straw hats And like you kind of wouldn't question it You know those guys where you're like Anybody else I would think is a douche But for you I feel like you're important

I feel like good rum though is the shit I feel like if you have really good rum And it's just like on the rocks Oh yeah But I just don't know enough about it Yeah I would never do rum though is the shit I feel like if you have really good rum And it's just like on the rocks But I just don't know enough about it Yeah I would never do rum on the rock The romance of rum I like The fact that it's like a pirate drink I love that

And I can fool myself for one sip With going like this is what you drink on a wooden boat But after two sips I'm like I hate this Then you break it down You're like what's worse than being drunk at sea? It's true. You're just nauseous. You feel like shit.

It's true. You're going to deal with pirates. Yeah. Maybe that's why they're so angry. Yeah. Maybe you could trace it back to the rum. It's like, maybe if you eliminated the rum, you wouldn't swindle so much. You'd get a real drop on land.

That's the bar fight of the sea is you're just getting hijacked. Yes. That sucks. Oh, absolutely. Good point. bar fight of the sea is you're just getting hijacked yes that sucks oh absolutely good point i can't that dismount and mounting onto a ship had to be such an uncomfortable part of the robbery do you know what i mean none of it's swift no no it's clunky they make it look swift with the swinging off the whatever you land on it you get the sword in your mouth you know or you go down the curtain you know with the sword or the sail that fun one. I'd fuck it up so hard I'd be bleeding from my lips.

This guy sucks. Yeah, reality. You have one leg over the ship. It's like they're helping you on. It's like lumbered. You know why they do the eye patch? Why? It's not an eye missing.

It's depth perception. Because when you sail, you've got to know the bow and the starboard and all this shit. So it helps them. Ah. They actually have a working eye. It's just something with nautical bullshit. I'll tell you what it doesn't help with, though. If someone tries to punch you from the right.

Yeah. Like, man, that eye patch really sucks. You are sacrificing that. You're going to get a lot of right hooks. Oh, sorry. Oh, no, go ahead. Well, the plank I never got either. Sure.

Because it's like this six-foot wooden beam that they push you out on. You know, this guy's handcuffed or whatever, and they go, ah, and then you jump. Like, you could just push him over. Like, why do we need the plank aspect? I don't know. I guess it's anticipation, drama. That's their entertainment. I guess so, yeah.

You know what I mean? That's the life of a pirate. What they find entertaining is killing a man. Right, right. You know what I mean? It's just like, write a story. of a pirate. What they find entertaining is killing a man. Right. You know what I mean? It's just like, write a story. Have a journal. Instead, they're like, you know what we find fun?

If we eliminate Mark in the open sea. Well, they also said manatee. You get so crazy out there. It's sunshine, rum. I know exactly where you're headed. Manatee? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mermaid.

Yep. That's how horny they were. They banged these manatees. Looking pretty good. Yeah. How nuts is that? Yeah. That's beyond prison gay.

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Manatee sexual? Oh, yeah. That's a whole other thing of isolation. Yeah. It ain't womanatee. I mean, animal sex is definitely worse than prison sex.

Look up. Maybe the eyepatch was the sunlight. You go to the bottom deck and it's dark it was something with with eye adjustment give that a gook no that makes i don't want to get that wrong have a bunch of pirates come at me well sure today's pirates yeah very less festive yes yes a lot of cargo less communal singing oh below deck okay there you go yeah less yo-ho-ho and all that shit less parrots for sure those parrots yeah the poor parrot that got wrangled in with these criminals i know you didn't want this life no yeah you're a colorful bird yeah why not get a street pigeon those things already they look like the criminals of the bird world that That's true.

Great. One time, I think I've said this on the pod, but Will Silvins was annoying Dave Attell from the crowd, trying to get some attention. Will's this short, skinny black guy with a big beard. And Dave Attell goes, easy, Captain Phillips. Gets me every time. You know what it is, man? He's so fast, and his voice is so silly, you don't have a chance to be hurt. Do You know what it is man He's so fast And his voice is so silly You don't have a chance

No To be hurt Do you know what I mean No chance Dude Dave Chappelle He called Atel Sorry

Big difference Big difference Atel once he said He called hummus Peanut Sure is peanut butter Oh man He laughed so hard

I remember that too I lost it Oh man it's so funny. Yeah, I'm just going to do a nip. Do a nip. All this pirate talk is getting me a little thirsty. Oh, yeah, yeah. And by the way, this is whiskey, not rum.

Oh, shit, you're right. We got rum last week as a gift on a Patreon. Oh, yeah, whiskey coke. Elijah Craig is whiskey. Yeah, good stuff. Good whiskey. Do you guys have your bottle of booze coming out yet, or is that something we can't? I mean, this is a pre-

We're backlogging episodes here. I see. Because we're going away, but I mean, hopefully it's out by now. Yeah, that's the dream. Maybe we'll do a promo before an episode or something if it comes out. Pretty cool, man. I'm fucking pumped. I can't wait for that.

Can't wait. I just love the idea of having our own booze. We're in the spirits game, dude. Yes. Yeah, dude. You guys are in the spirits game. Are you going to do... It'd be fun if you did like a mock commercial kind of for it.

Oh, yeah. We're doing that. Like a DeSarono parody. Yes. Yeah. Yes. I like that. Can't be too silly.

People need to know we actually have a whiskey out. That's true. If we go too silly, they're going to be like, well, this is a joke. Right. You get Simon Rex in there. People aren't going to know it's a joke, right? That to be like, well, this is a joke. You get Simon Rex in there, people aren't going to notice the joke. That's not bad. Let's do it, dude.

Yeah, that would be fun, man. Those old school De Cerono, Chivas Regal. You know when alcohol commercials blur the lines of cologne commercials? This is like an art film. It's so dramatic. I got an idea. We go real dramatic, real arts artsy and then we pull back and we're driving so we're drinking driving that's good all right that's really funny dude but you

can't put that on tv and then it's just uh the car just jumps off a fucking bridge and crashes and explodes we show that tesla footage you know that big jump that he did hell yeah we plug where you're gonna be oh um man yeah thanks for bringing up dates ah man oh i'll be at moon tower that's pretty good oh i'll see if you're this is this is uh oh this is coming up in may i mean hey honestly the thing i really want to plug is the may 26 my special will be dropping on my youtube page called brain noise a stand-up special please follow uh subscribe to me on youtube and follow me on Instagram at Comedian Anthony DeVito. Hell yeah. TikTok as well.

Thank you. It's going to be great. Are you opening for Ari at the KC Improv? And I'm opening for Ari at the Kansas City Improv. Good club. May 21st and 22nd. That should be a lot of fun. Harbor Square Theater.

Oh, yeah. And I'm doing the one-man show in D.C. at the Comedy Loft on June 8th. Man, I always forget. Trying to sell tickets to you. You know, in the moment, I get flustered. And then, you know, yeah, I get. All right, boy, you're going to blow Ari off the stage, huh? No, man.

Just kidding, Ari. He's getting old. We got Albany, Nashville. I've already been to Nashville. Toronto, Rhode Island, special taping in Chicago, Tampa, Cleveland, Houston, West Palm, Buffalo, San Jose, all over that shit, samorell.com slash shows. Hell yeah.

San Jose, that's a big room. When am I in Chicago? Am I touching up on your date there at all? Okay, just checking. This weekend I'm at Bricktown Comedy Club in Oklahoma City. Good room. Then I'm at San Jose's, I think canceled, sorry. Stand-up live in Huntsville, Alabama.

Pantages Theater in Minneapolis, Chicago, June 17th. All right, that gives us a little buffer. One week. One week. Doing the Burt shows. Look up FullyLoadedFest.com, I believe it is. And then Irvine Improv. I need you to come out.

That's a big room as well. Red Bank, New Jersey. DeVito's home state. Hell yeah, man. Houston Improv. That's a big room. Laugh Out Loud in San Antonio. MarkNormanComedy.com.

Check out the show, the website, the Patreon. Get on the Patreon. Patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunkPod. Merch at WeMightBeDrunkPod.com. Shout out to Gotham Studios. Matt, you're saving us every week. And to, of course, WeMightBeDrunkPod at gmail.com. If you want to email us, Rex, drinks, jokes, peeves, whatever you want.

Whatever you got, yeah. And, jokes, peeves, whatever you want. Whatever you got, yeah. And check out Anthony. He's one of the New York greats. We love you. I'm going to that one man. Oh, for sure. Cool, man. Let us know when we should come, but I can't wait to see it.

What's the room? It's incredible, the story. I'll be doing it in D.C. at the Comedy Loft. Oh, I'm doing a QED in Queens. Oh, there you go. I forgot, April 29th. Jesus H. Come to QED in Queens. Oh, there you go. Oh, I forgot. April 29th. Jesus H. Come to QED in Queens.

Get him a Manhattan date. I'll be there. QED, yeah. It's going to be great. We love you. We love you, Tony the third grader. Definitely go. Definitely go see his show.

He's a great comic, and it's going to be a great show. Yeah, hell yeah. That sounds like a movie if you ask me yeah we'll see man we just had judd apatow on so if judd is judd if you're listening oh judd that coward all right thank you guys thank you sunday's the day for my neck fender a bit of fever wreck you know the future's close i've had a little too much bourbon and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous.

I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true