We Might Be Drunk - Ep 76: Joe List w/ Emperor's Clouds & Mist

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

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Hey, hey, folks! Here we are! We might be drunk! We're doing it! We're back! Worlds are colliding! We got a big guest! An old pal! We might be Tuesdays. Oh! We might be gay! We might be a lot of things! How are you, JoJo? Genuine question. Where are the cameras? Am I on? Am I here? One here, one here. One here. One here.

I noticed none of them are pointing at me. Oh, this guy. Is this mine? That's your camera? That's your A. You're good. A camera. Because I'm looking at you assholes and I don't see nothing.

Oh, yeah. All right. So do I talk to you or do I talk to the people at home? Talk to us. Hey, folks. We're the hosts. Yeah. We're going sober today.

You got a green tea, I assume? I got an Emperor's Clouds Mist Grande. Just had my chocolate chip cookie in the hosts. Yeah. We're going sober today. You got a green tea, I assume? I got an Emperor's Clouds Mist Grande. Just had my chocolate chip cookie in the lobby. What is an Emperor's Mist? Don't worry about it. No, it's a green tea. It's like a standard green. You want to sniff?

Yeah. You might get a little bit of my breath on the lip there. Sounds like a good queef. It's an Emperor's Mist. Not bad, right? That's all right. Just a typical green. There's also the Jade Citrus Mint.

That's a mint green tea. I don't care for the mint. I don't like the mint either. Tea I associate with being sick. I can't do tea often. Oh, interesting. Don't tell the British. Well, it's like chicken noodle to me. It's like I can't get amped up for it because I'm like, I just am like, I'm sick.

I love chicken noodle. I like it too, but I get it when I'm sick. I see. Associate. I always think this, though. People are always like, if you're sick, have a little green tea. But I'm like, I drank three green teas a day every day, and I got sick. Yeah.

It must be how rappers feel with Sizzurp. They're like, you need some cough medicine. He's like, that's all I drink. I mean, I mix it with hooch. What's a Sizzurp? They drink cough syrup to get fucked up. I had NyQuil for the first time during COVID. I'd never had it.

It works. It's incredible. It works. Delightful, yeah. That shit's great. Fantastic. We call that a free lapse in the sobriety business. Is that right?

Yeah, you take a nice NyQuil. Whoa. Yeah, it's pretty good. Silent free lapse. So is it allowed? Well, I take the pill form. I wouldn't take the liquid because the next thing you know, I'll be raping your father on Christmas Eve.

Because it does come in a glass, a shot glass. Exactly. No, don't. You got to do pill. Damn. Oh, yeah. I never thought about that.

Starts with mucinex PM and ends in a fucking glory hole. Yeah, no. There's people that do that. People like alcoholics that drink hand sanitizer or whatever, NyQuil.

Damn. Yeah. I've crushed up a Tylenol PM and shoved it up my ass. Sure. Snort that shit. Do a line. Yeah. Tylenol PM And shoved it up my ass Sure Snort that shit Do a line Yeah

Tylenol PM works too That'll knock you right out It will Benadryl I've kicked that Because I'm immune Well you wake up It's not quality sleep

Well Tylenol PM and Benadryl Is the same drug Ah shit The same sleep drug It's all mental What do you do Do you take a drug to sleep Anything

People are starting to hate That watch by the way Really It's all mental. What do you do? Do you take a drug to sleep? Anything? People are starting to hate that watch, by the way. Really? A lot of comments. It's a problem. Oh, damn. It buzzes every hour. It said someone wrote Mark Norman's watch. The guy did like three takes of it.

It was one of those tweets where he deletes it, rewrites it, and then writes it again. But he was like, Mark Norman's watch has interrupted more podcasts than Will Smith. It didn't make sense, but it kind of made sense. It doesn't make sense, but you can see that they don't like it. Yeah, all right. Right between the lines. Interrupted more comics than Kanye. I'm trying to punch it up.

Did he interrupt? Well, I guess interrupt is the wrong word. He fought with D.L. Hughley, Pete Davidson, and Trevor Noah. And Mike Myers, right? Is that right? Oh, Mike Myers. He just made it weird, right?

He just made it weird on SNL. That's a different podcast. Pete Holmes podcast. Well, D.L. Hughley, I didn't know he had beef with him. D.L. was like a former Crip, I think. Is that right? I wouldn't fuck with D.L. Interesting.

Yikes. It's on the D.L. Yeah. I had no idea he was a Crip. Yeah. No, he came from the gangs, I think. I mean, Matt, maybe fact check that. D.L. Hughley seems like such a...

I guess he does have a neck tattoo. So maybe he got something here. Was he a crip? The blood. Oh, ee-ho. That's a big fuck-up right there. That's like the N-word for that. Yikes.

I don't think we're supposed to be talking about that. We should move on. It's on Google. Yeah, well, Google's not a person with a podcast. They're not going to stab Google. Who's Google? Which one was that? Was that Bezos?

Google? Yeah. No, Bezos is Amazon. Who did Google? Yeah, who did Google? Who started Google? Well, there's Zuckerberg with Facebook. Yeah.

And then there's the other guy. Larry Page. Trump was the president. Who's the CEO now? It's not them now, is it? What's his name? Apple. Yeah. And then there's the other guy. Larry Page. Trump was the president. Who's the CEO now? It's not them now, is it? What's his name? Apple. Jobs.

Who was the guy that Nate went on his boat and he owned the Blazers? Sundar Pichai. No, it's not Sundar. It's my favorite green tea. I think I hiked Sundar Poochie in Peru. Oh, yeah. October 2015. I don't think he invented it. We would have heard that name. I've never heardiked Sundar Poochie in Peru. Oh, yeah. October 2015. I don't think he invented it.

We would have heard that name. I've never heard of Sundar. How did Google, because Yahoo was the one. There was Bing. Remember Bing? Chandler Bing. Yes. Hotbot.

Hotbot. Hotbot. Hotbot was another one. Ask Jeeves. That was something. Oh, yeah, Jeeves. Yeah. That was in the Goldman joke, according to AskJeeves.com.

That didn't last. I don't think Sundar invented Google. Was Bill Gates Google? Too Sundar. Microsoft. I don't know. I suck. I think it's Larry Page. Who's that? That guy with the bad haircut. Yeah that's tough. It's funny how the richest people have the worst fucking haircuts.

Yeah. Zuckerberg. That's true. Supercuts. He's got the bangs. He does. That's true. Supercuts. Yeah. He's got the bangs. He does. It's weird. Who else? He's not looking great.

Who else? It's a long list. It was that guy in Zuckerberg basically. It was an unearned premise on my part. Bezos, I mean,

Musk doesn't have great hair. No. So maybe he got something here. Bezos is three. Okay. No one knows this guy you'd have to bring a picture of him on stage yeah oh yeah he cleaned it up i guess yeah he's like the robbie uh what was that guy's name fuck i forgot his name uh probably pro no robbie you know robbie the

golf instructor he got the haircut golf instructor he's he's a comedian oh bernstein no that's a different guy comedian he teaches golf robbie collier oh collier i don't know he's a golf teacher i forgot about him yeah robbie collier he looked like that and then he got his hair all fixed up he looks great really i thought he looked okay before frankly wow yeah well some women will tell you if you're going bald Just own it baby Yeah That's what's hot In a man Owning

Yeah well Bruce Willis Made it kind of cool Yes He looked good bald Yeah He did Bruce Willis George Picard

John Luke John Luke Picard Yeah Who's George Picard George Picard Is another actor From That's George Pappard

Pappard Yes He's in My Breakfast with Tiffany Statham Statham's hunk i think kingsley kind of has something he's got he's gandhi yeah sexy beast sexy beast is solid look at all these guys different though jason canner sure there you go travolta went ball alan lefkowitz the women are attracted to him sarah talks about how they're attracted because

he's really listening. He's thoughtful and he's listening. He fucked my ex-girlfriend. It was fucked up, man. What? No. Alan fucked my ex. Whoa, he fucked Judy Gold?

Oh, shit. And my mom, dude. Alan fucked my mom. Well, no better guy to talk about it with. Who else? Who gave me some other bald dudes? Bald and hot. Prince William.

Yeah. Stanley Tucci's kind of cute. Ed Harris is hot. Ed Harris has got something. Women like Stanley Tucci, for sure. Oh, yeah. I like him. Would you?

Yeah. I don't like how he tried to become Bourdain, though. That kind of bugs me a little. Yeah, a lot of guys tried. I wish he'd kill himself. What's his face? What's a good name? He's a cute guy.

Philip Rosenthal? Phil Rosenthal try to bourdain thing the manager veter loves that show really yeah he's everybody loves raymond yeah that guy yeah people love that show he has his own show yeah he's got a a food show but isn't he ray romano's manager no he was he was the co-creator co-creator ray romano i'll say is the nicest dude the nicest comic he's the only famous dude that pops into the cellar and is like oh i don't want to bump you you know yeah yeah everyone every other famous person's like i'm gonna do an hour and a half you're gonna fucking wait at the table you're not gonna see your family for a while ray romano is literally like no just you know i don't want to inconvenience you and

you're like true Great guy and hilarious. Funny. Funny comic. Nice enough to do Ray Allen's show. Wow. That's saying something. That's nice. Not Aruba.

No. Okay. He's not going there. No, certainly not. Tell your Aruba Tony Wood story. This kills me. Oh, I told it on Rogan and it bombed. Oh, well, we'll laugh.

Everything goes over his talk about bald hot guys. Oh, yeah. He's a bald hot guy. He's bald. Tony Woods. I've probably heard this story a million times. Sorry, I'm a little hoarse from sporting events. But Tony Woods is in Aruba and he's late for every single show.

I love him. And so. Hilarious. He's like in the eighth floor. So he's late for every single show. 100% of the show. he's like in the eighth floor. So he's late for every single show. 100% of the show is in the hotel room, but he's late every show. It's in the ballroom of the hotel. Yeah.

So Ray Allen, in the hotel, yeah. Ray Allen says, I got an idea. I'll put him in the room across the hall. That way he doesn't have to find his way. I can just go and get him when it's time. Wow. So Ray Allen, the first show the second week he goes over he knocks on the door and he says i just gave dan adam in the light and tony

woods goes all right i'll jump in the shower he's a classic two minute light he's a classic tony woods he really is he's always got his cavasier like he's the ladies man you know i feel like i've never connected with him because he's more of a he's a drinky party guy and we never collided then. I feel like if I knew him 10 years ago, we would have gone to some titty bars and drank and had fun. That guy's got hours of material. He's a funny dude. Yeah. Classic.

And he does hours in one set. But I love the guy. I'm a fan. But I've met him 500 times. And he's like, hey, who are you? A young brother? And I'm like, yeah, we've met. The first 30 times he was like, it's great to meet you. And I'm like, it hurts every time.

Every time you say that. There's a lot of guys like that. Attell was like that for a long time. Natterman is like that for quite a while. It's these scatterbrainy kind of guys. Once you get in, you're in, but it takes a minute. Isn't that weird that we probably do that to people? We've probably met young comics and they're like, hey, nice to meet you. And you get in, you're in, but it takes a minute. Isn't that weird that we probably do that to people? We've probably met young comics

and they're like, hey, nice to meet you. And they're like, oh my God. You're probably right. That's the therapy right there. What do you mean? That you have the awareness

to just be like, oh, we've had our impact on young comics. Yeah. That's you being in therapy. Yeah. Or it's ego being like, where are those guys now?

Maybe. Either way. Either way. Or your self-awareness. I'll take your interpretation. I took it as ego, but yeah. Really?

It's a flipped it. But I took it as ego, but yeah. Really? Well, he flipped it. But I think it's also just like the idea of being like, oh, this is our impact. Like we're talking about these people. This is what we do. Sure, sure. Well, I do think that because I was talking about this the other day. I remember being at, I went to the New York Film Academy, as did Mark back in 03. And I remember walking up the village, going to the cellar and like stopping my classmates

and being like, that's Dan Natterman. I'm like, Dan N village, going to the cellar, and stopping my classmates and being like, that's Dan Natterman. I'm like, Dan Natterman's having a slice of pizza right there. And they're like, what? And I'm like, he's been on the Tonight Show. It's insane. Like literally starstruck, because I was like, holy shit,

that's Dan Natterman in the wild. Yeah, he's been on Letterman. Yeah, exactly. He's been on a couple late night spots. Our buddy James Smith has the best Dan Natterman story. Oh, that's a great story. Where he sees Dan Natterman. He goes, oh my God, you're Dan Natterman.

You were on Letterman last night. Natterman's sitting on a stoop. He goes, yeah, and look at me now. Look where I am now. I'm on a stoop. It's great. I mean, he's just such a miserable. Well, that's how it was.

When you were younger, you're like, oh, you do Letterman. You're famous the next day. You do Conan. You're a millionaire. But, you know, it's five minutes. You're on with Snooki and Paula Deen. And then you go home. Yeah. That's it.

You're doing better than Paula Deen right now. Ah. Do you remember the first time? You never admit. You got to not admit. That was the problem with Paula Deen. She thought she was doing the right thing. Wait, wait.

She's like, yeah, I've said the N-word, you know. I'm trying not to. And then, like, you piece of shit. Oh, interesting. She should have been like, no, that wasn't me. I don't know what you're talking about. I feel like white people cancel more than black people. Oh, they love it.

I feel like, yeah, I mean, it people. Oh, they love it, of course. Yeah, I mean, it was like, they were like, no, you fucking bitch. Yeah. There was a lot of memes about like, the Jigga Wings are good, though, you know, or whatever it was. They love Paula Deen. Do you remember the first person you met who had been on TV? Ooh. Mine was Paul Nardizzi.

I remember being at the Comedy Vault, and he had been on Conan. He was going on Conan like the next day. Wow. He was running his set, and I remember going after him and like looking at like really like looking at yes and being like what you're staring this guy is on tv tomorrow yes and i went on after him and i went like they just had the best guy on the show and now the worst guy what and i remember coming off stage and this guy already january who only started a month before me like why did you why would you do that like he didn't just say don't do that he made me answer like why would

you do that right and I was like well because I'm like I'm new and I suck and he's good and he's like why would you say that that's just and I was like I don't know and he's like don't ever say that don't tell the audience you're bad oh you need those every now and then you're like I didn't know that was a bad thing to do right and now I know it's like one time we did uh sac sacramento years ago it was my first weekend on the road with derosa with derosa i remember when i remember when you both would tell me you were doing this you featuring i'm hosting i'm a new comic and i went up and i had a couple jokes about at my day job my day job whatever and you pulled me aside you're like why would you tell them you have a job i'm like because i have a job and you're like they think you're a comedian be a

comedian i was like oh i didn't know we couldn't have a job i stand by that you buy a ticket and the guy goes up there and he's like yeah i work at sears you're like what am i what the fuck right i see a guy that works at yeah it's almost like you're working against yourself yeah you gotta be like i used to work at sears now i'm making millions here i'm seeing at the sacramento punchline never crossed my mind but i i still think about that to this day when i'm showering sacktown the bay area and back down that was how was that weekend great oh yeah it was great i remember bjorn our manager left us and i also remember another moment that i remember we were mark and i sit in the pool and derosa came he's like pulling his hair out what are we gonna do with his life and he's like

at some point i gotta move to la i mean we all do obviously i don't remember being like move to la why would i move to la and he's like we have to don't you think yeah and then he was also like i want to be woody allen i was like so do i he lives in new york uh-huh not the movies i just wanted to have sex with my daughter for sure i think you. I think you guys, there was some butting heads at that point. Yeah, DeRosa and I had a lot of touch, but now I think we're cool. I saw him the other day, by the way. DeRosa's amazing. I love him.

He did our episode and was amazing on the show. He's great. Yeah, he's so good. I was really blown away. So funny. He's also amazing on his podcast. Great pod. That I don't listen to, but I watch the clips.

I die laughing, and then I don't listen to, but I watch the clips, I die laughing and then I don't listen to it. It's all you need. A good taste is perfect. Yeah. A taste of a taste. Taste bud. It's hard to commit

to a comedy podcast when you're a comedian. It is. Yeah. It is. It's so true. I don't want to be influenced in any way.

I want to just listen to news or sports. I don't want anything that's comedy. Yeah. You don't want to just listen to news or sports i just i don't want anything that's comedy yeah you don't want to be fun did we used to date this sounds familiar there's also 5 000 of them so you're gonna listen to all of them you know it's tough to pick yeah it's also weird to listen to your friends on a podcast

i mean i could call you guys up on the phone true true but i there was once you were on fit simmons and i was alone i was lonely somewhere and i was like i'll listen to this really yeah because if i call you i gotta think of stuff to say but if it's a pod you're doing all the work it's almost like catching up while you're just laying there yeah that's all right yeah i don't listen to any i should i mean i literally watch the clips and i'm like this is amazing right i don't know why i wouldn't think to listen to the other 42 minutes but i never have well i sat there and i thought why i'm with a group of guys i'm looking at my phone every time i get bored and i sat there and i thought why am i looking at my phone i got these good good funny people here and i realized it's

because you don't have to interact interacting is work of course you know listening is a whole thing and listening and dying right now yeah sorry wait what were you talking about exactly exactly but it's good to put that work in it pays off and it comes back and it's better but the easy route is just a scroll yes it's mindless but it's you never feel good after no no it's like the equivalent of a one-night stand you're like what was that right the scroll does help you not have the awkward mode because everybody wants a break so it's nice because in the old days you'd just be sitting there in silence and you'd have to be like uh what what what where'd you get the shirt like you have to fill it in but now it's like all right well look

we're doing phone time it's a commercial it is nice as long as you don't overly overdo it right right yeah but i just had that i was just on a trip with sarah my family and it was like my family hangs out 24 hours a day or whatever 18 hours a day and there's no break at all so we're like exhausted that physical exhaustion of just being on all day and then you need some booze to soften a little yeah but you don't do that they're all boozed up yeah is that weird that they're drinking and you just don't do that uh sorry for just belching on the microphone no i don't have to apologize here um no not really not anymore i mean that's that's the most triggering for me is family because it's like that's how they connect and they're drinking and it's obviously the stress of family so it would be nice but um no not really

it's the same my my lady's from Boston, and all they do, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, whatever it is, I'll go visit, and it's just 10 a.m., somebody cracks that first beer, and then they go, oh, okay, and now they're all drinking, and I will take walks because I need a break. I need a breather,

and they're like, give me shit about the walks. They're like, what are you doing out there? Who are you talking to? Who are you walking with? I'm like, I'm just taking a walk. They're like, why are you taking a walk? And they kind of take are you walking with i'm like i'm just taking a walk they're like why are you taking a walk and they kind of take it personally and i'm like no it's i'm a weirdo and and i imagine it's the same way yeah no sarah hates it because like her family is so different than my family her family you hang out for like two

hours and you talk about like south african politics like her mother's like the smartest person on the planet they're literally like having an in-depth discussion of like 1300s west african politics and i'm like i'm like costanza i'm like what about sports that's how i feel i'm like i'm just dying just like uh trevor noah or something i have literally nothing to add but then they all go off into their separate things we'll go for a bike ride and a run everyone goes to their own room and watches their own tv and then they like reconvene my family there's no intellectual conversation whatsoever but it's it's all day long that would kill me as a kid yeah she's dying but i'm like that too now when we go on hangs you'll see i'll be like where the fuck where's sam why is sam writing why isn't he sitting here talking about right right with sacramento we did that you're like i noticed

you never write i'm like we're hanging out why would i write i'm a big alone time yeah i like to i like to kind of have a routine and and uh wake up and have yeah make my coffee and sit at the computer and and go through the paper and and try to come up with premises i i time hanging too much stresses me out i get it i'm the same way'm that way. But then when you're with family, that's why right now I feel like fucked. You're fried. Because I'm like, I've just been hanging for like, and then before that I was on vacation sharing a house with the family. So I've been like with people close quarters for like 11 days.

And I was like, come straight to a podcast. Yeah. Believe me, I don't want to be here. Now that I'm here, it's great. It is fun. You always dread to do the thing, but then once you're at the thing, it's usually. That's all of life fun it's always you always dread to do the thing but then once you're at the thing it's usually that's all of life that's all you gotta get over that hump that's what i'm saying with the phone put it down and there's that hump of awkwardness but

you get over it it's better hump of awkwardness that's the high school story yeah can we talk about your movie coming out yeah let's talk about it it's coming it's coming soon i'm i'm proud of you and i'm excited to see it man oh thanks it might suck um i watch it and i'm like oh god why well it's like there's sentimental things and i'm like are we just asshole because we have so many cynical comedy fans they're gonna watch it like look at him pretending to cry what a fucking and you've trashed so many movies that it could come back to you well that's the problem i have to wipe my entire movie podcast and half of our podcast. I'm like a cunt.

I'm like, I'm on the record. Robert Redford's a piece of shit. He sucks. He's dog shit. I stand by it. But now I'm in a movie and- You don't like Redford? I think he's bad.

Why? I think he's actually bad. I think that he's- Overrated? It's so hard. He's just not as good. He's just outclassed by he's no paul newman he's just a movie star yeah he's like a handsome guy he's relatively flat and everyone's

like well what about the sting and it's like the sting is great it's a good movie one of the best scripts ever he's got newman there and it's a beautiful movie uh same with butch cassidy yeah but he's just redford he's not great i shouldn't say he's bad it's just funny to say he's such sure but he's very i watched the one on the boat it's just him i think we got a redford fan here that is bad the one on the boat is bad it looked awful it's really really bad i was like how about cast away with an older guy is that good he just doesn't have range he's not a rangeful actor i think all the president's men is fucking boring. Oh, it was a little boring. It's just like it's a slow movie for the 70s, which means it's really fucking slow. Yeah.

But I just mean like Redford. Obviously, he's better than me. I suck. My movie sucks. But Redford, he doesn't have to do that now that you're a filmmaker. He doesn't have that performance. I mean, he doesn't like Pacino you watch Dog Day

and the Godfather movies you're like I don't care what he's done Dog Day's top five I don't same here I don't care what he does with spiky hair

and the yelling and the fucking like whatever he can do all that he's got Dog Day and he's got the two Godfather movies and Cruisin's also great

I mean the movie's not great Serpico Serpico The Insider one of my favorites he's just so great in those. And like, obviously, De Niro and Paul Newman

and Nicholson and Brandon Hoffman. So Redford gets put in this class because he's such a movie guy. Right. Interesting. And he's just, he's very flat. He's very Robert Redford. I think the same way about Clooney. Oh, I'm a Clooney fan. What about his directing? It's embarrassing. Because A River Runs Through It, I think, is solid.

I think he directed A River Runs Through It. Yeah, he's directed some stuff. He's directed a couple other things. I think he's good at that. I mean, how hard is that? You have a lot of controversial movie takes. You have, like, you hate Fight Club. I don't hate it, but I think it's very silly.

And I think if you watched it more recently, you'd be like, this is pretty silly. It's pretty cool, though, too. It's got some cool things it's pretty ridiculous and a lot of it doesn't make sense the twist does not quite make sense what that he's actually tyler yeah there's like moments where they're both there and reacting people are reacting to both aha people in way oh interesting i can't explain it properly right now because I haven't watched it enough. But it doesn't quite make sense.

It's not great. And I think it's like this bro fucking jerk off to it. Like, that's me right there. I'm the Italian corporate. It doesn't really add up or make much sense. What are other hot movie takes? I don't know. I don't have as many as uh ronan ronan's the man you want here i get i get a lot of heat for being like a piece of shit

guy who hates everything but i like people always give me shit on our pocket they're like you just want to be contrarian i'm like my favorite artists are pearl jam and bruce springsteen my favorite movies goodfellas and forrest gump i'm like forrest g is Goodfellas. And Forrest Gump. I'm like, Forrest Gump, Goodfellas, Casino. I mean, Apollo 13. I'm like, I'm not exactly Schindler's List. These are pretty standard great movies. Like Tom Petty is Bruce. Yeah, I'm like the Stones.

I'm a diehard. I'm like, I'm not some asshole who's like, I only like bad brains. Well, the thing that triggers people is the Sopranos. That triggers me. He hates the Sopranos. That triggers me. That's my favorite show.

Well, but I feel like I've made cases that I've gotten people to give in a little bit. Go hum a few bars. Give us a... Well, we've talked about it. One... Okay, well, tell him.

The show is sitcom-y. Like, there's, like, sitcom-y jokes. There's joke jokes, which I don't care for. Uh-huh. Like, set-up punch. Yeah, I hate...

As a comedian, I hate jokes. You can feel... They're just the worst. Well, I don't like it on what's supposed to be a gritty fucking show. But I've talked about this in so many places and i get so much hate so i feel like everyone can hear this somewhere else but my main thing is stevie van zandt and paulie walnuts are cartoon characters right take you out of it ridiculous and i cannot i can't abide i can't

you can't you people put it with like goodfellas and The Godfather and shit. I don't do that. I put it above. Whoa. I mean, but this is what I have to say. This is where I have to make a compromise with people. I don't care for the medium. I don't, I'm not a TV guy.

You're not. I don't like TV. I don't like episodic. We at least give that Gandolfini is incredible. He's great. All right. But like Stevie Van Zandt, who also happens to be the guitarist in my favorite band, which takes away.

Yeah. Norton had a great line. He'd be like, if Tony Iommi, however you say his name, from fucking Black Sabbath, like walked into like Seinfeld and was like, hey,

like it takes you out of it. First of all, he's a very famous guitarist and a very favorite band, but he's wearing like a rubber wig. The wig is bad. And he's like, hey, Tony.

I mean, you can admit that he's silly. He's over the top. He's over the top. But he has moments where he's wearing like a rubber wig. The wig is bad. And he's like, hey, Tony. I mean, you can admit that he's silly. He's over the top. He's over the top. But he has moments where he's heavy and he's good in it, though. So he's over the top. And then Pauly Walnuts, who's just like, oh, yeah. And I'm like, what is this?

Pauly's incredible. Pauly's in a lot of mob movies that are great. Broadway, one of my favorite comedies of all time. Oh, a great movie. But these are straight up comedies. Yeah, yeah. So it's different. Like, ton Broadway, one of my favorite comedies of all time. Oh, great movie. But these are straight up comedies. Yeah, yeah. So it's different. Tonally, it's different.

Sure. And I haven't watched all the episodes, whatever. We watched the one on the podcast where Chris sits on a dog and he's supposed to be

like a junkie, but he doesn't look junkie. And then there's this straight up vaudevillian comedy scene in it. So I don't understand the intervention. But Goodfellas has funny moments.

It's hilarious, but Goodfellas is funny because it's so genuine that's what makes it it's so real and it's so funny funny how like exactly it's just so pitch perfect that it makes it hilarious and then i think you're like going for joke jokes but i haven't watched the whole show and obviously i'm a piece of shit because I got three people ever that have agreed with me on this. Wow, really? And no other hot takes. You hate Seven. You hate Fight Club.

I don't hate them. I just think they're very silly. Are you a David Fincher fan, though? I like Zodiac. Zodiac is one of my favorite movies ever. Social Network, I don't love. I think it's overrated. And also, these movies that

are based on like real things and just take liberties i find so ridiculous but zuckerberg does seem like a terrible person at least oh certainly yeah so at least if you're gonna like make someone seem shitty at least it's a dude who seems shitty yeah it's not as bad as like rudy that's like the worst whatever yeah the coach dan devine you ever hear that story uh-uh they they wanted to make him like the heavy they needed like a bad guy so they made him and they called and they told him like we're gonna make you a little bit more negative and less likable and he's like oh okay and then they made the scene where everyone turns in their jerseys and he's like refusing to let rudy play and he's like that's not even what that's i made him play i made him that was me i

was the head coach that's frustrating that never That never happened. And then even the scene in the end when he's like, don't put him in, like the coordinator throws him in. He's like, I put him in. I did that. With movies, you need an arc. You need bad guys. So they take liberties in these stories. I mean, Mark and I were talking about the show Winning Time on HBO, which I like the

show, but they make Jerry West, they portray him in such a fucked up way. They make a lot of his takes just wrong. And I'm like, that's one of the great basketball geniuses of all time. The guy literally traded for Kobe. Right. The guy traded Vladi Divac for Kobe. He signed Shaq. 17-year-old Kobe.

I know. And he signed Shaq. He knew Kobe was going to be a Jordan-level player. Wow. All the genius moves he made. And I feel like every episode, he's like, we got to get Elgin Baylor to be coach. I'm like, show one of the smart moves he made. He's such a basketball genius.

And he's throwing chairs through windows. He's like the angry guy. That's it. That's his whole character. But also, he's angry because he was a psycho competitor. And then you see him interviewed in real life, and you're like, he's like a soft-spoken, warm man. Yeah.

With depression. Who's got a dark side he owns. But guys like Dan Devine, the coach at Notre Dame, he has to live the rest of his life people being like you piece of shit i know you should have played that five foot guy and he's like i did that was me what are you talking about they should make a sandusky movie where he's just like really cool he's just handing out he took some liberties man he's handing out sponges in the shower he's nice he's giving out towels um but yeah i love the godfather i love dog day afternoon i love but you know dog day afternoon's a top five movie of all time to me but what's most it's dog

day afternoon is like it's funny it's fucking ahead of its time the way they deal with that uh trans the trans thing is like incredibly ahead of its time oh yeah it's got so many different like modes where like you're laughing one a minute you're fucking sad for them the next and you feel for the guy who's robbing a bank no it's like magical it's like one of the best movies ever it's top five without question to me yeah but what's great also the best new york movie ever oh yeah brit attica that's a little insane but you don't think so no wait hold on i want to hear what well what i'm just going to say is i like what i like about you is you get berated with all these takes of yours and these opinions of yours, and you stick with it. I would have caved a year and a half ago like, all right, I watched Sopranos again.

It's good. Just so you leave me alone. Yeah. But you hang in there. I mean, now at this point, I just have to lean into it. Yeah, lean. Lean. But yeah, people get very upset.

The Sopranos thing is like serious business. No, it bothers me for sure. I can't believe i have a smart hilarious friend who thinks the sopranos is bad it's not that again i had to change my thing i just don't care for tv i hate episodic i hate that it's like okay so eight more years of this just give me two hours three hours solve the problem is it because you hate fat is it because there's like a movie it's like you're in and out it's every scene counts whereas in there well have you seen his ex it's just it's just so like put on it's like they so i can feel the writing i can feel the writer's room i can feel them being like we need an issue okay what's today's problem let's come up with a

problem we need an arc and okay let's punch it up you punch it up like i can feel the i can see the punch up that's a joke again these two characters are just so fucking ridiculously over the top that it takes me out of the whole thing. I'm like, what is the tone of the show? It's so silly to me. But TV in general, like I started watching Ozarks. Yeah. And I love Jason Bateman.

I think he's like fantastic. He's great. And I was like, this show's great. But I got five episodes in and I'm like, so it's going to keep being that we solve it and then a new thing props up. And then I'm like, there's four more seasons of this. So every day it's like, this is an impossibility and then we don't solve it. But it's TV.

That's the only format you can do with TV because you have to have multiple seasons and make more money. So I think TV format is the problem. It's a hilarious critique of TV. Oh, so there's just going to be more? But that's the thing. But that's exactly the exactly the point is like they have to come up with stuff right movie. They came up with a story.

Yeah. Here's the story. This is a story about how my life got flipped upside down. Whatever. You know what I mean? You're like, we're going to tell a story about, you know, two guys robbing a bank and one guy is robbing a bank for his to raise money for his wife to have a fucking sex whatever and okay and the cops are gonna come and that's the resolution soprano tv they're like

okay here's a story and it's 10 episodes got it that was great we're selling merch come up with 10 more stories yeah shit okay let's oh maybe what if he gets an intervention wouldn't it be funny if he's on heroin? Just because we need something. We need material. That's why comedians suck after 20 years. We're all heading that way, by the way. It's all downhill, baby.

Are there TV shows that you like? I mean, obviously Seinfeld, Curb, right? Well, comedy is a little bit different, but not many. Seinfeld, I think, is like, this is the thing. Again, people are like, you're just contrarian. I'm like, I think Seinfeld is the think, is like... This is the thing. Again, people are like, you're just contrarian. I'm like, I think Seinfeld's the best thing ever of all time. Although I do think the first two and last two seasons are horrendous. There you go. Horrendous?

That's another controversial statement. Not horrendous. They're not... The first is tough. They're finding it. They're finding their footing. They don't know what the hell they're doing yet. And then the last one's Larry David leaves, so it gets super cartoony. Seasons eight and nine I have real issues with. I just... I love it, but cartoony. Seasons 8 and 9 I have real issues with. I just I love it but I hate it. How about like

old school Simpsons? Simpsons I love too. I think like seasons 3 through 8 are like unbelievable. But again you can agree that it flipped. Simpsons got shitty. I don't think it's easy to maintain a level of excellence for 33 seasons. Yeah. That's pretty tough. But that's a lot of these

things it's like just call it quits. That was great. Yeah. The Office. British. I think that's pretty tough. But that's why a lot of these things is like, just call it quits. That was great. Yeah. The Office. British. You're in, you're out. Everybody loved it. But I love the British.

I love the American Office. I hate the last four, the first four seasons of American Office. Once the love interests get together, it's always kind of over. Yeah. It's always, the will they won't, once it's gone, you're kind of like, eh. Well, I hate Jim and Pam. But Steve Carell, I think, might be like top five funniest people oh he's just every second and he's a magical performer i mean they're like the guy who plays dwight oh yeah oh rain wilson i just understood he's phenomenal yeah he's good um i love curb yeah there's a lot of bad curb but i love curb cheers i love there's

a lot of bad cheers but i love cheers uh pretty mainstream i know that's what i said i'm like i'm like a basic bitch i don't know what you're talking about i know the guy's got starbucks and new balance i know i'm not some i just have a couple takes we're going to cheesecake factory after this i love the cheesecake i got gift cards in my backpack what uh cheesecake rules so but you're worried about the movie i've heard it's great i've heard oh thanks i think it's good i am it's all right because you get so fucked up you know how it is it's like watching your own stuff you're like it's not even like watching because at least in stand-up you're like it's killing i don't give a fuck the movie is like uh you're not getting an honest opinion really yeah um and it's tough with a movie because you don't get

multiple tries with stand-up like a bit can work out over five months this is like here it And it's tough with a movie because you don't get multiple tries. With stand-up, a bit can work out over five months. This is like, here it is. It's done. We hope. It's like the Seinfeld thing. It's like you watch a bad movie, it's an hour and a half. You're in a bad movie, it's like a year and a half. Right.

Right. But I think it's pretty good. I think it'll resonate. It's not particularly funny. We took out a lot of the comedy. There's not a lot of hilarity in it. It's pretty dramatic dramatic but i think it's fun i think the music is great i think the people that play my parents are like amazing

really really like the guy that plays my dad is like unbelievable so were you and and forgive me if i'm i'm prying but were you back there with the headphones on the director's chair the video village you know with the big bullhorn and the beret, going, cut it, redo it, turn it around, you know, cut the tape, whatever, check the gate, all that shit, lock it up. I was doing a lot of that stuff as a bit. I did it the way you were doing it,

which was fun, had a great time. It was funny because I'd be like, check the gate, and then Louie's like, we should actually check the gate. But it was fun to use all my film school horseshit that I never used. You throw the clipboard down. What are you doing out there? I need emotion.

Come on. There were times like that. It was exciting because I'm an executive producer writer. So there was stuff like that. But the scenes that I wasn't in, I did have the headset, which was really fun. Wow. And we were watching on Video Village, which was really exciting. Wow. And that was the funnest part

is not being in it because you're like watching it and the people playing my parents, those are the scenes that I'm not in, are like having the scene and we're like punching each other. I mean, it is magical because you have it with standup

where you write a bit and then you do it and it works, which is like special. But a movie, it's like Louie and I were sitting, then he says this. What if he says that? Yeah. And then this will happen and then somebody's like louis and i were sitting saying then he says this what if he says that yeah then this will happen and then somebody's acting it out and they're nailing it and you're like wow and you can't make noise you're literally like we're doing this wow and then you say cut and you're like unbelievable movie magic it was magical and uh they're

unbelievable they're so good um i'm worried i stink and um i just wanted to make sense to people but i think it does and everyone's been really complimentary so we'll see yeah i bet it's great man oh thanks yeah i think you'll like it i think it's up your uh asshole there you go i hope so yeah i mean this therapy there's that is an alan character in there and bobby kelly is plays a guy he's great to paulo does louis play alan louis plays my therapist yeah wow and he's great you forgot how good of an actor louis is he's really great yeah uh i was watching uh american hustle on a flight recently and i was just cracking i forgot louis in it oh that's right cracking up you know those scenes with louis and bradley cooper are fucking hilarious he had a run

of a couple big big blockbusters he was in Trumbo. Yeah, Trumbo. That was a solid movie. Some Woody Allen movie, too. Yeah, he was in the big one, the one that won an Academy Award there. Yeah, I can't think of the name right now. Blue Jasmine. Blue Jasmine! Oh, my God, holy shit.

Yeah. Yeah, that was good. So, yeah, he's great, and Sarah's in it. She's great. A lot of it's very real and it's raw. It's a little nerve wracking because my family. The family stuff makes you nervous. Yeah. I've never seen where I snap on my family and I'm like, you all suck.

You're pieces of shit. You're idiots. But it's not my family, but it looks like my family. It's literally about a New York guy who goes to Maine for the 4th of July every year and is sober. Right. Oh, boy. A little on the nose. It's been on the nose,

but you write what you know. Sure. But the family is not... In the movie, the mother's like a sociopath. My mother's very sweet. Great mom. Deb. Yeah, Deb.

So there's that, too. So it's nerve-wracking, and it's going to be seen by a lot of people. It's scary to put your shit out there. It the whole thing out the cheese is out in the wind yeah this is it they get to pick and poke and this sucked and that sucked or i like that i mean that's that's very ballsy and very vulnerable it's very scary and uh also it's like who's this then you just worry about the people that are like who is this guy making a movie let's look into him and then it's you know mark and i you know, you know, talking about fucking kids for 25 minutes and cum in my face and,

you know, eat my dad's ass. That's our best stuff. And they're going to be like, what the hell is wrong with these guys? I know. So that is a little scary also. But you got to live. I think it's a good movie. I think it'll resonate.

And I think it's the kind of movie I like. It's like, you know. That's Mark's response to fucking kids. You got to live. You got to live, damn it. of movie I like. That's Mark's response to fucking kids. You gotta live. You gotta live, damn it. Well, I forget. Tight hole. It's weird because I have nieces and nephews.

I go, my buddy Derek, I hang out with his kids and they're five and nine and I'm running around wrestling and people are like, aren't you the guy that says, end your podcast with a fucking kid? I know. What's going on here?

And you're like, well, I'm kidding, of course. Yeah. I know, I forget sometimes. I made a Jelaine Maxwell joke at the dinner table and my niece is like who's jelaine maxwell now my sister has to explain it to her and i'm like oh god i stink yeah that's i gotta learn something she said it in a good way she said you know how how you know you have a family who loves you very much and she goes yeah she's like well she took uh she she prayed on people who didn't have that that's a pretty good job. Wow. That's good parenting.

Yeah. Very good parenting. Great parent. Jesus. I mean, just Lane also has good experience with children. But yeah, that's tough. Being a parent is hard. But I mean, dude, you have all these awesome things coming out.

The movie, you have a stand-up special on YouTube. Yeah, the special comes out soon. I don't know when this comes out, but April 29th. Right there. Oh. That's when this comes out. april 29th oh that's what's out right now okay great it's been out for a month i hope you've watched it oh shit uh it came out april 29th it's out april 29th it's out now go watch it there you go again i was there at the tape and it was it was an incredible special yeah it was really fun it was great i'm excited i think it was good but i gotta say i haven't watched it because they sent it to me and i watched like 20 minutes and i just get sick to my stomach and i was like it's perfect it gets harder and harder to edit your

own shit yeah i go crazy i'm kind of like can someone else just do this that's what i do it's crazy i don't want to deal with it no i can't so i might be surprised the night it comes out i might be like what the fuck but it's a catch-22 because you want it to be perfect and your vision, but you also can't watch it. So you got to just suck it up and watch it. Yeah. Because you don't want them to make some weird edit that you weren't approving of. Well, at least with stand-up, I can be like, the show went well, so as long as it looks like the show, it'll be pretty good. Little things bug me, though, in special.

Like, sometimes they'll do, like, the side shot too much, and I'm like, who is'm like who is this for right it's like a fucking mug shot no one wants to watch i want dead on that's the obvious yeah i think the more i think people we've talked about this a bit before but the more innovative you try to get with a special the worse it gets yeah i really think stand-up that's what's so great about stand-up is it's just stand-up it's just just present it that's the show you don't want quentin tarantino directing a stand-up is it's just stand-up. It's just presented. That's the show. You don't want Quentin Tarantino directing a stand-up special. No. We don't need.

I mean, maybe he would know how to just do it in a minimalist way. But like you want anytime that you notice the direction in a comedy special, it's taking away from the material. That's how I feel. The director should be like a referee in a sporting event. You only notice it if it's you're like, hey, what the fuck? Like you should just be like, that in a sporting event you only notice it if it's you're like hey what the fuck like you should just be like that was great yeah good point you know no one's like the patriots ram super bowl those refs really nailed it the first one second one was shit i think uh chris rock kind of fucked himself with that uh what was that special we did three cities i can't remember the name of it i was never scared kill the messenger no no i'll kill the

messenger yeah but it was like it might have been great material, but it was, I'm in Johannesburg, I'm in Harlem, I'm in whatever. And you're like, ah, I'm off. This is off. I'm not focusing on the act. Well, he tried a new thing. I mean, I respect him for trying. I heard Rock say once at the Cellar, he goes, every standup special should be like an iPhone.

Like, I want a new feature. And I'm like, that's how he approaches it. I disagree too, but that's his approach. I mean, it's like. Sure. I mean, he's not but that's his approach i mean it's like sure i mean he's he's not just original with his stand-up he's original with the you know how it's uh you know going to be seen so i i appreciate that but you know uh i i thought tambourine was was more my

speed you know i just the other one i just think a stand-up special should be a presentation of stand-up the act yeah so it should be bare bones that's how i felt doing this i just did the second one at the same venue because i'm like and then there's a big giant stupid sign but i'm like but the material is what makes it different yeah it's kind of like the beatles they have three different singers four different singers but you know it's the beatles because it sounds like the beatles uh-huh i don't know that's a perfect analogy but no one's like who the fuck is this? Who's this guy singing?

I never heard of this guy. That's another Beatle. Yeah, that's a good point. I'm with you on the bare bones. I think it's like you work so hard to make these jokes land and make them work in every single state. That's really how you tour. We're like, this joke better work in Florida, state that's really like how you tour we're like this better joke and this joke better work in like florida ohio san francisco you know and then if someone tries to do too

much with the taping you're just kind of like you ruined two years of my life i just watched a later office episode american office and like they're doing like these crazy the cuts are too fast and they're like zooming on every shot and i'm'm like, I'm like discombobulated. Yeah, exactly. It's jokes. Just give me the jokes. That's what I'm saying. I don't want Paul Greengrass directing my next special.

Yeah. And I always say, I think we've said this, stand-up, the best is listening. Like you're in a long car ride and you're just hearing the audio. You are sucked in. And I think with a special, it should be, yeah, bare bones, as you say. Because the audio is really what's important. That's how I got into stand-up, is albums. It's like, you know, Chris Rock's Roll With The New, Chris Rock's, you know, his albums, Eddie Murphy albums, Mitch Hedberg, Dave Attell.

Oh, yeah. Those were albums I'm like, this makes me, and you're just listening and you're like, this is, it's almost like the equivalent of like people are like, I listen to baseball games, you know? Right. There's a beauty to that. I love listening to baseball. But I think what's so great about albums is when you're watching a special, this is what's so depressing about comedy specials is there's nothing that, it can't come anywhere close. It's at least 30% worse than the actual live show. Yes, easily.

But with audio, you're in the audience because there's no visual. So you're just, you close your eyes and you're in the audience. You're getting it the same way they are. You're just getting the audio and you're laughing with the audience. But on visual, you can see that you're outside the room. So you're watching people watch a special. There is a divide. Well, there's not a divide with audio, if that makes sense.

I get it. I get it. It taps in more with audio. You're right. Especially with the video, too. You're like, look at the outfit. Look at the hot girl in the front row. What's that thing?

Is that brick? Or what is that? Molding? What is that? You know, you're off. You're already seeing other shit, and it's distracting. And nothing more bad for comedy than distractions. Yeah, too bad Spotify removed all their shit.

Yeah. They weren't paying us those cunts. You can still listen, though. I'm an Apple Music guy, so I've never used Spotify. But you can also still buy the album And download it to your phone, right? Yeah Go back to buying records

If you're listening at home It'd be nice Buy some albums Please We all have six Don't you miss consuming I had this conversation In The Worst Person in the World

Which is an amazing movie Just saw it But I miss consuming things Like now Like Band of Horses is the first band I got into post holding a CD. Like I used to consume the lyrics, the producer, the band. I knew every band. Yes.

Band of Horses, one of my favorite bands. I don't even know the name of most of the songs. Right. Because you just have it streaming and you're like, oh, here's this song. Yes. Before you'd like know the title, you'd look at the record of the CD. Yeah. And just be like, okay, that's track one. I know that track title. I know who produced it. this song yes before you'd like know the title you'd look at the record of the cd yeah and just be like okay that's track one i know that track title i know who produced it i know who plays

what on what totally i mean i think you're i think that just comes with you have too much we're looking at our phone we're looking at this we got too much going on where before you'd hold a record and read the back you'd look at the art you'd unfold it i used to work at blockbuster i would just stare at the movie covers all day yeah and it was fun and then you flip it over and you're like that's a director he directed that too but yeah now it's just like give me more more more i already watched that who's that i don't know who directed ozark yeah we we just digest too quickly now it's like it's like the credits start and the next thing starts and like i'm like i want to see the credits i hate that you can't even watch the credits i want to see

the credits i want to know who is who yes please watch the credits of my movie i'm all over those credits there you go exciting but yeah the specials out it's out right now it's called uh this year's material it's on youtube and uh it's hopefully it's got tons of views it'll get there we'll see i'm a little nervous because uh it's gonna be great why big well because the last one was on Comedy Central's YouTube, which has 2 million, whatever you call it. I feel like I'm 150 years old. I'm like followers, subscribers, people, peeps, whatever it's called. Right, right.

And I have like 20,000 or something like that. So hopefully people watch it and like it. If it's good, it's good. That's the beauty of YouTube. It's the closest we get to a meritocracy. But it's good, but it doesn't... But this is where it's tricky though, because it's's not just good it's good because you have to get into the algorithm sure it can be great and not make it in like the comedy central one and you just

will have to do your you have to do a fucking million podcasts now i know that's how it goes it's brutal seeing you guys no i feel the same way do i tell mark every week i'm like man i'm podcasted out i want to wake up and just write jokes and just kind of take walks and do that shit yeah but like the amount of talking we have to do now is like it's bad for art okay and it's bad for your career like colin says that he's like we're living he's like it's the funniest thing of all time that like we're living in a time where you can get ruined for anything you say and every comedian literally records everything he says i know hopefully it dilutes it a little bit you know yeah i guess yeah there's enough horrible shit being said that it's hard to keep up that's our only hope is like yeah but i've had like i've

said that like eight hours worth of saying that yeah i didn't slip up that's like who i am yeah well the problem is when it's not just hey he said this it's when you get something and then they go hey this guy said this like a shane gillis right you get an snl nobody nobody cared about the horrible shit he said before that but when you get the snl they're like now we got you right that light just burned out jeez fun fact i swear to god it was wasn't that on it was a piece. I don't know. Okay.

It's not super illuminating, so it's hard to know. It's like The Godfather 2. You're right, though. I mean, I do think... We Might Be Drunk is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Relationships take work. A lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care about. We'll go out of our way to treat other people well,

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No pubes in 2022 with Manscaped. Support the show and get 20% off on free shipping with the code DRUNK at manscaped.com. Hell yeah. Get on it, man. And look better and smell better. I do think no one really cares unless they're taking something from you, which is kind of fucked up.

Of course. For whatever reason, the SNL vetting process is like joining the CIA. So that's definitely made it interesting where they're just like, yeah, you can't. I mean, you're not running for fucking office. You're trying to do impressions on a weekly show. I don't know when this became. I know. You find the outrage a little disingenuous, do you? That's a pretty bold take on my part.

Yeah. I thought the same thing. I saw SNL just had a Gilbert Gottfried tribute. outrage a little disingenuous to you that's a pretty bold take on my part yeah i've thought the same thing i saw snl just had a like a gilbert godfrey tribute i'm like do you remember what he's he said horrible shit like you would never have him on now that's the irony i know yeah we always talk about it's like there's a street named after george carlin i'm like he's called black people the n-word multiple times there's a street in utah carl malone whatever boulevard and you're like this guy fucking impregnated a 13 year old is that right oh yeah wow you should have two streets holy shit but yeah the movie's coming out it's gonna be end of we're gonna have a big premiere end of june and uh which is like a month away and uh and then it'll be out in theaters in july i

can't wait man yeah it's gonna be big please. It's going to be big. Please, go see it. Theaters. Theaters. I'm going to be on the big screen. I'm like the lead in a big screen film. Wow. It's going to kill me. I'm going to be like fucking River Phoenix outside the Viper Room.

We should go and do a full Paul Rubens in there. Yeah. Yeah, I want to be that guy who throws off my hat and I'm like, it's me. Yeah, wow. Let's go Fred Willard. I'm going gonna drop a name meryl streep who's a friend of mine she said uh she's like you go to the premiere and everyone

gives you a standing o and says you're the greatest and you're gonna win an oscar and we love you she's like but that's not a real you have to go see the movie at the theater yeah that's when you get the real kick in the pussy that's tough because you're sitting there and you watch people like get up and leave or people are just chatting. That sounds just like Meryl, man. I know it, too. I mean, it's a part of the kick in the pussy.

That's the Meryl I know. That's cool. That was paraphrasing. But I think they all do that. They'll put on hats and fake mustaches and whatever and dildos and go. And they'll watch the movie and you see people just going like yawning

yeah oh that would be tough i saw the master on in the theaters the pt anderson and a guy got out it was like two black people got up the scene where they're all dancing naked and the guy was like man fuck this shit and walked out and then like a half an hour later just an old white guy in front of us he got up and walked out and i'm like a half an hour later, just an old white guy in front of us, he got up and walked out. And I'm like, boy, if they were sitting here, they'd be like, ah, geez. I saw a couple of black people leave Jojo Rabbit. They were like, this sucks. Fuck this.

Oh, I love that movie. Yeah, it wasn't for them. You didn't like it? Well, I've talked about this on a lot of podcasts, but the quote at the end I find so like, I feel like, I know this is like maybe woke or whatever but i'm like they made a movie where like the nazis are like sweet and innocuous i'm like what is this they're like kind of cute nazis and then the quote at the end is kind of insane i don't remember what's the quote i gotta find i gotta pull it up oh you have a producer he can pull it up jojo

rabbit quote google bitch i'm like a i'm like a, I'm like a, I'm very sensitive towards anti-Semitism. I don't, I'm like, I'm like a closet Jew. I'm okay with it. Sure. Let everything happen to you.

Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is fine. Oh, that bugs me actually. About a Holocaust movie. Let it happen to you. They're like,

hey, just be cool, man. Submit, dude. Great quote. Get on the train i think it's a a sweet quote but at the end of a movie about the holocaust you're like hey man

just be cool man i'm like good i don't remember that quote i don't know why there wasn't i love taika waititi i think he's awesome i didn't uh do that that quote bugs me but no i i did enjoy the movie a lot and i thought he was hilarious as hitler i go that was like really funny no there was something there was some good stuff there was stuff i liked and it was sweet it moved me but i did not i don't remember that quote that bugs me a little wow let it happen folks but that was one of my favorite movies of that year for sure i think he's just an awesome filmmaker his movie about the vampires you remember that yeah that was funny as hell yeah he's great i did energy vampire they suck your energy that's so good he's so good um yeah very good but yeah i like that movie i didn't love it yeah uh the nothing worse though like you're talking about going to the theaters with

the mustache and everything nothing worse than an insult where they're not directing it at you because it means they meant it yes i was at the car i've told this before i was at the comedy works opening for schumer sold out she. She's killing. The hottest crowd. Pete Holmes did a guest set. Killed. Killed. He just happened to be in town for some reason. I was the middle.

I did okay. Schumer was killing. And I go take a shit in the stall. And I heard guys washing their hands going, that tall guy, that goofy guy, fucking hilarious. And the other guy goes, I know it. Schumer's really funny. She's killing. And one of them goes, what do you think about the middle guy?

And they were like, oof. Ooh, he sucked. Oof. And I'm shitting. My clothes are on, my pants are on my ankles. And I was just like, I thought he was pretty good.

They were like, no, no. They like doubled down. How about a green room bathroom for that occasion? It'd be nice. Reminds me of two stories. One, I mean, any Henry Phillips story,

I just start laughing before I can even get to it because he's just the funniest guy. But he has one. He plays guitar. He's the best. Yeah, Punching the Clown is incredible. Punching the Clown is the best movie about comedy ever.

He also has one, Punching Henry, which I'm in. And he's playing the guitar and in between songs, he sees like an old couple in the front row and she leans over and goes, I hate this guy. It's the same thing. He's like, you can't get mad she's just totally genuine um also have you talked to ron on about his story in uh switzerland no yeah he told me this with daniel simonson yeah adrian it's you want you tell it him and daniel they do the last

show of the tour they're on tour with louis in europe for like six weeks and it's just like arduous all over europe 12 countries in six weeks whatever and it's the last night they do the show they go to the diner after and it's adrian ronan and daniel simonson at the diner and they realize there's a group of women from the show at the booth behind them and they just go through the whole show and they talk about how louie's a genius oh wow they're literally like the fat girl sucked he's like the guy with the accent stinks and then they go to like ron on they're just like he kept yelling he was so loud and they call him the jew they're like the jew the jew is too fat he stinks

and they just have to sit there and listen to the whole thing and then they're like all right let's slunk out of here yeah and ron on gets up and he just hears like a crash. And he looks down. It's like a cartoon. It sounds made up. He looks over and Simonson is laying on the ground. Like somehow he fell out of the booth. I have fallen.

He fell and the whole table's like, wait, what? And they like point. They're like, that's him. That's all of them. Like they're all sitting there. This is Norwegian. And then they said, you were all very funny. Yeah, they're like, you guys are great.

And then Nate has the classic one on the cruise, the cruise ship. He's on the elevator with his hat on, and there's two people talking across him about how bad he was. How bad the comic was, not knowing that he was standing there. See, this is something I don't think a lot of artists go through. Oh, I remember opening for Al Lubell. That was probably 12 years ago. We did an awful gig in Montauk or something. And he was great. I fucking bombed. And I remember being in the bathroom and just same as you i was

in the i was in the stall and i just heard a guy goes man that opener sucked he was just and i'm just like i i'm done peeing do i just yeah do i come out and then i i was just like fuck it come out and they're just like oh hey i was like hey and they're just like it was just like, fuck it. I come out and they're just like, oh, hey. I was like, hey. And they're just like, it was just like a standoff. There was nothing. They didn't like take it back. No. They knew I heard it. Yeah.

I would have waited. Fuck that. Nothing you can do. That's when you pull your pants out and pretend to shit, you know, just to buy some time. Well, yeah. I mean, I remember doing the Joker's Cruise and not bragging. I can't believe you did that. It was years ago.

It was fun. I had fun. It's fun. It doesn't feel very you. I know. It's the most fun. That's why I'm saying I'm surprised you did that it was years ago it was fun it's fun it doesn't feel very you it's not i know it's the most fun that's why i'm saying i'm surprised i know i'm not fun no but uh but you know you're not fun and that's nice self-awareness is something that helps so i uh i remember getting off and some lady came up to me she goes you were the funniest and rich voss is right there next to me and he goes oh yeah well your friend's prettier than you that's hilarious best comeback yeah was she

prettier though because you are better than rich sure she was i'm sure rich was honest rich probably has 800 of those locked and loaded from just doing this forever he's that's what colin calls him the king of the comeback. He's so funny. Dude, he got me once on Opie and Jim. I was the new guy, and I zinged him, and it got nothing, and there was a guest, like some writer or something, and he goes, sir, you like comedy?

He goes, I love comedy. He goes, what do you think of Mark Norman? And the guy goes, I'd never heard of him, and I'm sitting next to the guy, and Rich goes, that's what I thought. And it fucking killed. And it crushed me. I didn't say a word the rest of the hour. Wow.

I went home and slept it off. I was so hurt. I remember I bombed a roast once. And Rich goes on right after me. And he goes, he bombs one line. He goes, you better laugh or I'm bringing Sam back up. And it crushed. And I was like, oh.

But as I was leaving, I I was like that was pretty fucking good I respected it when he did it to me you heard his opener at the Patrice benefit what was it? it was like a month after Saget he goes we wanted to have Saget and he said over my dead body ah damn

he did a show do you have any peeves or wrecks or bits or anything? Well, I have this. I just came from the sports weekend. I was at the Red Sox game and the marathon and the Bruins. Is this anything? I'm at the game, and there's like this new crop of generation of people that don't get baseball.

I'm like an old man Witherspoon. And there's literally, it's a 3-2 game 4-2 bases loaded two outs like eighth inning and there's two they're women just painting a picture not generalizing two women with their back to the field trying to start the wave and mad that no one's getting on board they They're like, come on. What do you do? I love that no one's getting on board. One, two, hey! And I'm like, the fucking bases are loaded. This is it. You do the wave when it's 5-0, 8-0, 7-2, when the other team's up.

We're in the middle of a rally here. So fuck the wave. The wave can be fun. Because baseball's long. Baseball's long, and there's a lot of nothing happening. Yes. The wave at baseball is good. The problem with this is they're trying to make it about them.

Right. We want to start this. We want to be a wave group, but it's about you. We're watching the game here, you coos. Yes. Get out of here. Just pick the moment. You need the moment.

I've started the wave. I've been the wave guy. Sure, I don't mind a wave. I used to drink. I was the wave guy, and it was about me. I wanted to start the wave, but I wanted everyone to have fun, too. But you waited for the right time. It's got to be 5-2, the 7th, and it wasn't about me. I wanted to start the wave, but I wanted everyone to have fun, too. But you waited for the right time. It's got to be 5-2, the seventh, and then the opposing team is up,

and it's just, you know, whatever. This is a crucial moment, and they're like, come on, the wave. And I feel like I'm 100 years old. There was another moment. The Red Sox pitcher had a no-hitter through four and a third, and then he gives up a base hit, and typically you'd clap, say, hey, good effort. And nobody even gives up a base hit. And typically you'd clap. Hey, good effort. And nobody even, I don't think anyone noticed.

I'm like, he tied 13 in a row. Damn. Anyways, those are my baseball piece. Well, baseball, yeah, I'm with you. You got to applaud the performance. And as for the wave, it's like sex. You got to pick your moment. You can't just try to fuck somebody during like a heated moment.

No, there I disagree. Oh, okay. Yeah. You fuck whenever you want to fuck, you try to fuck. You know what? You're not laughing. When you're wrong,

you're wrong. What? Uh, yeah, I'm with you, man. I love the, the,

the perfect game, the no hitter. It's like one of the last great things in sports. It's pretty too. The field is pretty. The whole thing's great. I love, I like baseball. They don't let guys do it anymore.

They pull them. They pulled, what's his name, after seven. The no-hitter? Yeah, that's over. Yeah, it's a different time. It's a different game. I mean, I grew up, David Wells threw a perfect game after getting shit-faced the night before. I'm like, there's no cooler sports story than that.

That guy ruled. Yes. All that shit. The LSD, the blow, the strawberries. That guy. That guy. Doc. Doc, what's his name?

Brown. I almost said Holiday. 100. Back to the Future, another one of my favorite movies. Yeah. I'm cool. Back to the Future's good. Doc Ellis.

Doc Ellis. That's it. That was crazy. Yeah. The no hitter on drugs. Yeah. All that stuff is great. Like like is a guy who doesn't watch a lot of sports i can watch any 30 for 30 and i'm in because it's just so interesting

yeah sports are good sports are good you gotta do it so sports you like sports speaking of sport how was bean town you went to 19 different games in a weekend that was great i'm horse i went to the bruins game saturday red sox game Sunday, and then yesterday, well, it was a month ago, sorry, but Patriots Day. Red Sox. Two Red Sox games, one Bruins game,

plus the marathon. Wow. And Patriots Day in Boston, it's a big deal. It's the marathon. It's Marathon Monday, and it's a holiday only there, which I didn't realize

until I was like 30 years old, literally. Maybe not literally. Maybe 23 years old. But it's a holiday. It's like a holiday in Massachusetts. I thought it was like 30 years old, literally. Maybe not literally, maybe 23 years old. But it's a holiday. It's like a holiday in Massachusetts. I thought it was just an American holiday, Patriots Day. You have it off, you go to the marathon, you get drunk, you have a party.

That's how I felt about Mardi Gras as a kid. And you're like, well, I guess this is our thing. Yeah. And they didn't even have it in New Hampshire. Like my cousins were like, we have school. What are you talking about? Right. But we go every year.

And the last two years it was covid so we couldn't do it and uh my friend bart and can't jason canter come and uh it's just it's just the best you wake up at 8 30 they start drinking you know you cook breakfast every we got the news on you have the same conversation every year yeah i had to run 26 miles oh my god that's crazy my ankle would hurt my knee hurts when i get out of bed. It's like literally the same dialogue. They shit themselves. I shit myself from drinking too much. They're running 26 miles.

Yeah. I've heard them all. Rosie Ruiz. She cheated. That was great. Crockpot. Yada, yada. That should be a 30 for 30.

Rosie Ruiz. She cheated at the marathon in 1980. Wow. She does. She's like, yo, it's amazing. She cheated the New York City Marathon. I said that weird. New York City Marathon. I said that weird. New York City Marathon to qualify.

And she took the subway. What? And then she pretended to be. That's hilarious. Yeah, she pretended to be hurt. And then she got across the finish line, went to the medical tent. She qualified. There she is.

Wait a minute. It was a great moment. I feel like I would still lose. I would just like, you know, I would still show up late or something. That's crazy. Wait, you're saying she took the subway during the race? Yeah. Wow.

That's fucking hilarious. And she pretended that it was just so hard on her? So this is Boston here. Wow. So Boston, it's hard to find the video. I searched for it. But so she wins the marathon. Yeah.

And at that time, there's the watch. Oh, don't even pay attention. So at that time, there's this guy, Bill Rogers, who's like the greatest American runner. And I think he's a New England guy. He won the Boston Marathon. There he is in the middle there. He won the Boston Marathon

like four years in a row. I think that was his third year in a row. And at this conference right here where they're standing. There she is. They have the little wreaths around. Yeah.

I don't know if you can find the video. Love a good wreath around. I have it on DVD. I searched and searched. I couldn't find it. But they sit down at the press conference, and Bill Rogers is like the king of running. He's the runner.

He wins it every year. He's like our guy. And he shakes hands with her, and they're like, this is the winner, Rosie Ruiz. And he literally looks at her body, and he does like a visual like, what? Wow. Because he's just looking at her legs being like this

woman won the marathon and then he started asking her about intervals and her splits and she's like i don't i don't really know what you're talking about and he's like no competitive runner doesn't know about their intervals or the split that'd be like i just ran i don't know i don't know what my pace was so there's that and then somebody asked her about wellesley college in wellesley massachusetts it's an all-girls school and they the whole school comes up and goes crazy for the first woman because it's like it's a women's school and they asked like how did you feel about running through wellesley and she was like that was cool i liked it did you feel anything she's like yeah i felt good and they were like this is really weird because i was like there would have been 30 000 women like ah i mean she was a woman's not talking about her feelings something

is off she didn't give anything and then there was the two the lead runner and the second place runner were like i was in first place at the 18th mile and then someone was like i was in second place the 18th mile yeah i didn't see this fucking woman and so slowly it took time but after like a week and she also shaved like i think like 25 minutes off of her new york time that's hilarious which is a mile a minute it's one one i mean one minute a mile in like i don't know what's october to april six months so was she a good runner at all or just she's fine no no she's just a fraud yeah but she had like she had like a chubby ass and like thick legs. I like the idea of her like running up the subway stairs like trying to shit herself, just, you know, for the realism.

But yeah, she's fascinating. And so you can find all these videos of her just doing this bullshit. Wow. So what's she doing now? Is she working in the government, I assume? Is she a politician? I think she's dead. Is she?

Look her up. I think so ran its course but um rosie ruiz ruiz good for her she died in florida yeah she got what she deserved there you go um damn but anyway sorry we go every year you go to the it's just a special day you all get up you have your breakfast they're all drinking i used to drink a lot there but i don't now and then you take you drive you still enjoy it sober oh i love it you drive into the sale this year sarah came for the first time and you drive in you go to the bar and just a festive atmosphere the game starts at 11 it's

the only pre-noon professional game in america And then when the game ends, the racers have finished, and they announce it on the big screen and everything. And then when you come out, it's like the race has been going on for about three and a half hours. So you get the slower, like, blue-collar regular people coming through. And I cry every year. I'm not even, like, it sounds silly, but, like, the rooting for people. Everyone's rooting.

And people put their name tag on. Oh, yeah. So you're like, come on, John! Or they have Boston Police, State Trooper, Fire Department. I'm running for Susan. And I'm like, do it for Sue! And then people give you a high five. Some people run through doing

this. And they're videotaping. And then we had our friend. You can follow your friend around. Oh, fun! You have an app and it tells you where they're at. The subway. What the hell it just um it gives me uh hope it fills me with um uh joy and love inspiring yeah it's beautiful i love it every year you're like i'll run next year and yeah fuck it but the best you ever run in one of those things you think or no no i want it if i was i always want to but then bad for you it just

beats the shit out of you i mean i used to when i was a kid like 20 years old i ran nine miles like quickly and that would have been the time to do it but then i started drinking excessively sure i feel like you're fast i've seen you run and you're pretty fast yeah i mean i still run i still run a good clip but it's like run on you we were just talking about this it's like i have the energy and lung capacity to run, but now it's like blisters and shin splints in your knees and hips. But there's guys that are fucking 70 that run. Yeah, crazy.

And the longer you're there, you watch runners that are like fat. They're like fat people. They're old people. You can do it. It is cool when you see a fat dude who's fast. Yeah. A lot of fat guys have amazing calves because they got to just support

that crazy, disgusting body. So much Ron on Tuck. Oh, yeah. Who's also got a special coming out. That's right. We got to get him on here, too. Everybody's got a special. That's my day.

It's your day. He's got a great podcast called Joe and Ron on Tuck Movies, which I want to just call it Joe and Ron on Tuck. We have to ditch the movie now that I'm a movie star. Oh, yeah. I like and run on talk movies which i want to just call it joe and run on talk we have to ditch the movie now that i'm a movie star oh yeah i like that you guys talk movies we talk this just devolves into movie talk this podcast so much because we both just watch a

shitload of movies but uh ronan is a tough dude to talk movies with he's a fucking hater yeah he he has that reputation too and i try to be defensive as a guy that gets that he has good taste as well i'm not trying to slam him he has very good taste the first few episodes were like we just started talking about classic movies and he like hates ferris bueller thinks john hughes is a bad guy thinks john candy sucks what yeah john Candy. But John Hughes, bad guy or not, the movies are great. Yeah, no, he's an idiot. Okay. It's a bad take.

It's a bad take. Well, he's like a conservative John Hughes. So, you know, Ronan thinks he's like in the KKK or whatever. Well, all right. But the movies are good. He also, he likes movies that are super bleak. He doesn't like anything with like a hint of- He likes Sopranos. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I love Sopranos, but he also loves season eight and nine of Seinfeld. So he's all over the place. He's out of- He thinks they're the best seasons, which I'm like, that's literally the worst take. Yes. Thinking seasons eight and nine of Seinfeld are the best seasons is literally the worst take. Don't go see a special.

I get mad at people for getting mad at me about The Sopranos. I'm like, who cares? Just think what you think. But then when people are like, season eight and nine are the best, I'm like, you're a literal piece of shit. Yeah. And I hope that you die. It's like when people tell you Friends is better than Seinfeld.

You're like, I don't know. We can't hang out anymore. You're boring. You're a boring piece of shit. I'm like that with people that think Casino is better than Goodfellas. I'm like, I can't even have a dialogue. There's lots of them. Chris Allen is one. Piece of shit. I'm like that with people that think casino is better than Goodfellas. I'm like, I can't even have a dialogue. There's lots of them. Chris Allen is one.

Chris Allen also, by the way, I just messaged him today. He said Liz Hurley, Elizabeth Hurley, is unattractive. She's not hot. She's still incredibly hot. I send the pictures. Well, today, this is our discussion today. I want a picture of every woman he's put his penis inside if Liz Hurley is not hot. Well, this is the dialogue we had today.

I texted him. Liz Hurley is still smoking hot. I texted him this photo. Although Hugh Grant got the hooker. Can you pull up her Instagram from today? Oh, that's right. Trans, I believe. Was she?

I think she was trans. Elizabeth Hurley? No, no, the hooker that Hugh Grant got. I want, if you can get today's photo. She's in a blue bathing suit. There it is. It's a classic show me the best looking girl

in the world to show you a guy who's tired of fucking her. Exactly. That's Liz Hurley and Hugh Grant. Like, what's his face? Just cheated on Rihanna.

And you're like, there you go. Hey, stop Rocky. That's it. So this photo, I sent this photo to Chris Allen. I said, I just want to remind you

that your Elizabeth Hurley's not hot take is one of the worst takes ever. Yeah, yeah. Let's get some more. Mac, scroll through. This is current Hurley? Yes, dude. one of the worst takes ever. Yeah, let's get some more. Mac, scroll through some of this. Is this in current Hurley's? Yes, dude.

She's in her 50s. Wow. And then so he writes back. What do you make of this? He writes back, are we doing this? Because I could bring up Sopranos. And my point is- Are we doing this?

I will make a case that Sopranos- I can make a case- Wait, wait, click on that one. Jesus Christ. Wow, smoking hot lady. I can make a case that Sopranos is not good. Maybe you disagree, but I'll make an argument. Now your turn, Chris.

Make an argument that this woman is not attractive. Yeah. Well, that's the shitty part. It's like, it's all preference. But you can't say, it's like when people go, Jennifer Anderson's gross. You're like, all right, you might not like her, but she's not gross. Your wife is gross. How about that?

You know, like, you can't just say gross. I always jump straight to wife when someone's like yeah i don't you don't like the sopranos your wife is gross and i fucked your mom how do you like that remember bobby kelly's old joke about the guy that doesn't know how to bust balls you're like yeah fuck you you suck yeah i heard your mom's sick perfect sentence perfect punchline not dying doesn't have not cancer she's sick it's an umbrella for all the illnesses sick one of the best jokes ever heard it's in the grapevine

oh boy that's cool that's basically these roastss have come down to it's just like your mom has cancer your dad was shot in the face you know your daughter was a miscarriage whatever yeah that's these roasts now yeah it's crazy i heard you got assaulted let me work at a type five on that you'd be like you drink a lot you know you're fat now it's just going straight to a horrific shit by the way the roast the most the thing i'm most talked about with interviews that people that aren't my friends is the roast battle with Sarah. That's like the number one thing. It's amazing that you did it with your wife. I mean, that's pretty hilarious.

I guess so. It's so weird to me because we're just comics and I'm in the relationship. So to me, it's just like, yeah, we just did a thing. I guess to outside people, this is insane. You're both good joke writers. So it's a hilarious thing. Think about how many people can actually do that. Yeah.

Well, we didn't even write the jokes. Tom Dustin did. Nah. Funny guy. TD. Just blew out his Achilles. Oh. What?

That's bad. How? He was pushing a boat in water. His Achilles erupted. I think it was a GoFundMe. He needs surgery. He's got no money. Send money to Tom Dust

He's in Key West probably Give the real name I don't know Don't do nicknames Some guy named Tom Dust Just got like three grand Yeah there was Achilles is Tom Dust right now

It was not a GoFundMe but whatever the fuck it's called But it was up for like a day yeah and then that's horrible wow yeah i don't know well i'll send you them that's a long recovery for an athlete so for yeah for regular people that ain't good no somebody said they're like well they put a cast on it and they're hoping he doesn't need surgery i'm like yeah maybe that pack of cigarettes a day for 30 years will help that achilles heel yeah right well we'll see so yeah we're gonna we'll send them some hilarious guy you ever do Yeah, maybe that pack of cigarettes a day for 30 years will help that Achilles heel. Yeah, right? We'll see. So, yeah, we're going to send him some cash.

Hilarious guy. You ever do that, Rome? You should do that. I should do it. Where is it? Key West. It's fun. Not for you.

Yeah, it's fun. It's great. I went. It was awesome. But, Mark, we should do it together. I'll show up in black socks, sneakers, and a hot coffee with the post. Yeah, yeah, Key West is a magical place. You. With the post. Yeah, yeah. Key West is a magical place.

You go down there, your problems melt right off you. We did jet skis all day. We drank all day. The shows were fun. Yeah, it's fun. There's probably a chiropractor, I'm sure. Yeah, there you go. Get your neck pricked.

Maybe they got a TV with the Knicks game. Something. Do you have any bits you want to try uh i dude i've been like i've been on a vacation i'm afraid to like i'm like i blocked your number in my phone because i've been gone for 10 days i haven't even kind of written anything you gotta have an idea brewing it's just something i mean even the thing you said about the baseball game is funny what do you i mean yeah maybe i'll see i don't know but i'm on vacation this is where we're different this is where we're different and we're very different he can i go on vacation i the whole thing is off i'm out i'm just out on comedy and then i'll pump it out when i'm you know i like i care about family and friends and stuff yeah weird you guys are more successful

it's a sliding scale you know there you go uh see. Yeah, a lot of these just are bits. You guys. You got one? I got one I'm trying. Tell me what you think about this. Hold on. Let me go through notes. Okay.

Everybody's looking at their notes. I'll fill time here. Okay. This is an idea I had. Everything's backwards now. It used to be like, what do you do on a date? Now you ask what their mental illness is. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean?

You know she's got borderline personality while you're while you're having appetizers and then like three months in you're like oh software engineer that's funny you learn that later yeah yeah that's funny i like that something there all right i'll play with it yeah that's funny all right all right that's funny that's how you do you really save it i'm like this is i know I know, right? Mine is a completely half-baked idea. Oh, here's a tweet I wrote down. This is an event.

Nolan Ryan has seven no-hitters, but he has 21 one-hitters, which is more impressive. He's got seven no-hitters, which is amazing, but 21 hitters. He almost had 30 no-hitters. I is amazing, but 21 hitters. He almost had 30 no-hitters. Right.

I'm exactly like that with shitting my pants. I've shit my pants like seven times, but I've almost shit my pants 30 times. It's part of the tweet. I don't know. I like it. It's funny. At the very least, it's a great stat. Yes.

Let me double check that. Because on podcasts, you say a thing. People are like You fucking retard He had 31 hit I'm like I know Sorry So let me just get

Can't focus on the numbers That much Let me get the right thing here Yeah I think it's 21 though 12 Excuse me I reversed it

I'm dyslexic I got mine It sucks too But is there anything here About how like To me LGBTQ Is weird

Because trans Most of them Lesbian Gay, is all about your sexual preference, who you're attracted to. But trans is just a gender issue. So it has really nothing to do with who you're attracted to. So it almost feels like my racist uncle made that list. Like, ah, they're all weird. Put them together. It's almost like when your grandfather's like, he thinks everybody from Asia is Chinese.

You know, he puts them all together. I don't know. It feels weird that those are lumped together because trans has nothing to do with gay. I think it's an excellent point. Well, I need the bit. Keen observation, though. Okay. But I think the China thing could hit.

The China thing is a funny connection. Like, we should get sushi. I hate Chinese food. You know, your grandfather just thinks everybody Asian is Chinese. Put it out there. Give him some laughs right here if you could. Please. Thank you.

No, you're good at that. Or the laser beams. You know? We'll do that. Did you watch the Baylor? Give me an air horn. The documentary about the Baylor murders? No.

It's amazing. It's on Showtime. Yeah, it's really good. That's probably why I haven't seen it. Yeah. Showtime. But they do make good docs on Showtime. Yeah.

It's Showtime at the Apollo. It's a documentary about murder. Yes. They sweep you off and kill you. They hook your neck. Yeah. What about this? Is this anything?

Let me redeem myself. Redeem. I was watching the news, and it was like like the local news and this guy was a pizza delivery driver he saw a guy get held up at gunpoint and he called the police and the reporter was like why didn't you step in and he goes bitch i make ten dollars an hour you think i'm stepping in blah blah and i'm like well what is the money matter if you were a millionaire would you be like oh my god why did you run in that burning building like well i make a million dollars a year. I feel like I had to do something. Right. That's funny, yeah.

You know? Yeah, so I feel like if I'm rich, I'm more likely to not want to go in. Yeah, yeah. And as if Domino's paid you 40 grand a year or 40 grand an hour or $40 an hour, you'd be like, all right, I should step in. They pay me well. Well, it's like he heard that from someone else saying it when it makes sense. Because it makes sense if somebody robs a restaurant and then runs and they say to the bus boy go get him right and he's like i make seven dollars an hour i'm not going for that that makes sense in the

context he's like that's outside of my job description right but this case it sounds like that guy is just stealing someone else's point that made sense. I see. It's also like you're like at a... But even with the busboy, you're like, well, you could just help too. But the Bernie Boney has nothing to do with Domino's. And the held up in Gumball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, that's why it's funny.

Oh, I see. I see. There's something here for sure. Yeah, like if Domino's paid more, you would fight crime also, you know? All right, I'll work on that. Yeah, there's something there. All right. Yeah.

And also police make very little money too, so you could throw that in. Yeah, yeah. You think I'm going in there? I make $14 an hour. Yeah, exactly. This is just a joke for a movie or a sketch. Maybe it's been done. There's a guy talking to his girlfriend.

There's a guy talking to his buddy about his breakup. And he's like, don't worry. She'll find someone better. He says that to the friend. You just broke up. And I say, don't worry. She'll find someone better. That's fun.

Nice turn. But not a stand-up. I mean, I'm not kidding. I haven't written anything in three weeks. All right. What else you got? I feel like we did two. Oh. Hit me.

What about this? This is actually a premise that I've said nine times on stage, but I have no joke. You remember those things in the waiting room? You have a block that goes around the wire. Remember that thing? The doctor's office for kids. Yes.

That's like practice for taking a woman's underwear off. You gotta pull it around the butt and then up, down the knee and then off the foot. It's kind of similar. Interesting. That's all I have. It's a similar thing. You're pulling the panties around the loop and there's a loop-de-loop. There you go.

Something. I used to have a thing. I saw Michael roland has a similar bit so i dropped mine but it was about how trying to good he's got good stuff trying to turn a tv a flat screen tv on is like feeling up a woman you're like oh i think i felt the nub there that could be something that's funny but he i think he does it and mine was working a little bit and his killed so i just dropped mine he's really good yeah he good. I quoted one of his bits a couple weeks ago on this. He's got good stuff. This might be nothing. Let me try this.

I was thinking about pre-cum babies. It's already happening. That's crazy that can happen. I wonder if you can tell who's a pre-cum baby. Maybe they show up early to parties they weren't invited to. Is that something? I like that.

They get there too early and you're like oh we weren't expecting you yeah we didn't think you would show up you weren't really wanted here well maybe there's a twist yeah they're also they suck to be around because their parents are shitty or whatever right the twist is also you can tell that way but you can also tell because uh they have never experienced love and they they ruin the party like a kid would ruin a party you ruined yeah this isn't the first party you ruined yeah something like that yeah all right there's i'll play with that there's something there that's funny i like that it's like a stephen reitz joke about uh i was born cesarean section you know so now every time i leave the house i go out the window. Oh, that's good. He's fucking classic. Oh, yeah. I love his bit about, forgot to take my seatbelt

off on the plane. So embarrassing, I'm like, I'm dragging the plane through the lobby. Yeah, yeah. I love his joke. I went to a diner, said, eat breakfast anytime, so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. Yes. That's a great joke. He's great.

Classic, classic jokes. Couldn't find my socks, so I called information. They said they're behind the couch. Damn, so deadpan. I know. I actually came home late. I put my car key in my apartment door

and the whole building started up. Oh, my God. Reminds me of Kylie. Brian Kylie also said the best jokes. Some of the best jokes. I can't even say it without laughing. He goes, for her birthday, I got my eight-year-old daughter a bouncy castle. I paid for it with a bouncy check.

Oh, damn. Bouncy. Bouncy check. A bouncy check. He's a classic. Woo, baby. What does he have? He's like, my wife gets drunk, gets really, I call my wife pumpkin because you get smashed

around the holidays. He's got the other one, well, he's got a bunch, but I'm six foot five, my wife is five eight, so she has no idea that I'm bald. I love that one. Also, he had the one about his brother had a heart attack and the doctor said he could have sex again when he can walk up a flight of stairs and he goes, why, who's up there? Oh, I like that. Classic jokes. I'm so Irish. Oh, wait, go ahead.

I'm so Irish, my blood type is O apostrophe. That's a great line. That one's great. And then the marry a girl twice his age, you know that one with the baby? I mean, I gave away the punchline first, but he has a baby, and he's at the maternity ward, and there's a guy next to him, and he's like, yeah, this is my son. He was born today.

And the guy next to him goes, that was my daughter. She was born yesterday. And then he's like, who knows? is my son. He was born today. And the guy next to him goes, that was my daughter. She was born yesterday. And then he's like, who knows? Maybe they'll end up getting married. And he's like, my son's not going to marry a woman twice his age. Oh, wow. That's great. Amazing.

I'm going through his Twitter right now. That's what I'm doing. He tweets stuff. He tweets jokes? He gets like seven favorites because he's got no followers. I got to follow him. He's got some great stuff. I follow him.

He was a Conan writer for many years. Great, great jokes. I discovered him on Dr. Katz, I think. I'm starting to think my dad has a gambling problem. him i follow him uh he was a conan writer for many years great great jokes i mean i discovered him on dr cats i think i'm starting to think my dad has a gambling problem last week he lost me in a poker game great i bombed hard in front of him once at an la bar show and it crushed me because i was such a fan it was a brutal bomb he's ripped too he's he told me he would just watch yeah i think he would just watch the red sox games on like two speed so it would speed it up while he was just like running on a treadmill and i was like this dude's just like a machine yeah jokes and yeah he's great now i'm just

reading tweets sorry well we plug your plug the special the movie where you're gonna be is this two episodes i feel like i've been here for a month. Oh. I don't know where it's you, so we went a little long. Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm falling over. Where am I going to be? Those are all... I've got to update my website, obviously. I'm not good at business. What do you got in, like, the summertime? What's cooking out there in the future? Oh, I got Atlanta.

June 24th, 25th. Same weekend the movie's premiering. It's going to premiere we think at the Beacon Theater, 25th. Same weekend the movie's premiering. It's going to premiere, we think, at the Beacon Theater, I believe. Wow. Not the Beacon Theater. Yes, the Beacon Theater. That's amazing. Maybe I shouldn't say that.

As opposed to the Beacons. Not fully booked yet. But anyways, the movie's coming out soon. I'm going to be in Atlanta, punchline, June 24th and 25th. And then August, oh, June 9th through the 11th, I think, or 8th through the 10th, I'm at San Francisco Punchline. Oh, I love that room. And then August, I'm in Nashville for the first time.

Never worked in Nashville. Zanies? Zanies, yeah. Oh, that's a blast. And then the special's out right now. It's called This Year's Material, Joe List, on YouTube. The movie's coming out in a month, but the special's the main go watch that it's amazing you're one of the best you're one of the best not just working but period you're really you're really one of my favorite comics you got a

great podcast oh thank you i got i got 1100 podcasts uh mindful metal jackets coming back this next month and then joe and ron on talk movies on youtube which i'm gonna quit because i'm a bad person. And, of course, Tuesdays with Stories every Tuesday. Hear, hear. And I can say I was at the – we were both there at the taping. Amazing. Lights out, so that's going to be a hot one.

And, yeah, what do you got? Where are you going to be? End of the month, Toronto. We're doing two theater shows there. Blu-ray appellate is going to be great. Providence, Chicago taping a special. Tampa, Cleveland, Houston, West Palm, Buffalo, San Jose. Blumapel. It's going to be great. Providence. Chicago taping a special. Tampa. Cleveland.

Houston. West Palm. Buffalo. San Jose. You get the deal. samrold.com slash shows. There you go. I'm at marknormancomedy.com.

All kinds of good stuff. Stand Up Live. Irvine Improv. Doing some dates with Chrysler. Pantages Theater in Minneapolis. Cleveland at the Agora. All kinds of fun stuff. Give it a whirl

Tuesdays for Stories we might be drunk get on the Patreon get a glass get a shirt go nuts kill yourself fuck your dad

praise Allah thank you Sunday's the day for my next bender I've been a fever wreck you know the

beer juice close I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking pub. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming, and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous.

I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true.