We Might Be Drunk - Ep 79: Foursome with Joe DeRosa & Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

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ah hey we might be drunk folks here we are we're here we're here hold on wow that's unpleasant that was a threefer yeah that was too much sorry that was like the three godfathers but only the third godfather yeah yeah i had chipotle earlier did you yeah i had chipotle earlier that'll do you yeah i love chipotle do you go sour cream or cheese no i don't still fart like that no dairy respect thank you that stuff does nothing i know you're trying to sober up right now this shit does nothing you don't think have you tried it i have i've been drinking a thousand of these it's given me so much false hope i always think this stuff's gonna cure my hangover no everything's gonna prevent the hangover what does it do it just fucking fills me with sugar and i'm still hungover yeah the sugar's a bummer i didn't know there was a lot

of sugar is that right not a ton but enough that i'm like yeah all right yeah look at that let's see i'll stick with coffee and keep shriveling up. Yeah, diuretic, by the way. Diarrhea, I'll tell you that much. I'll tell you, this stuff gives me a ton of diarrhea. I spray the bowl like a fucking salad, I'll tell you. It's a Pollock movie in there. I'll tell you. It's all right. Sally's back.

We missed you, buddy. Google bitch. Good to be back. Good to have you. The only guy who was rocking Hawaiian shirts when they weren't cool, then they were, and now they're back to not. Good to have you. The only guy who was rocking Hawaiian shirts when they weren't cool, then they were, and now they're back to not. Good to have you. I'm going to ride it out.

You look good, man. Feeling good. We think you're cooler than Ron Jeremy. We don't care what you look like. Fuck those comments. And you never raped, so we'll give you that, too. Yes, he can't get it up. Oh, this is a classic photo.

That was like a play on uh of mice and men these two is that what it was because they're real gangster types yeah yeah but i think the the little guy and the big guy oh okay but uh yeah they were like uh how you doing c yeah mugsy yeah the tiny gangster yeah funny how gangsters changed you know throughout the years it was italian and then it went to black and who knows where it is now jewish maybe made off well it was jewish before italian was it yeah yeah sure man really what and jewish boxers by the way hey we were tough yeah oppression is a is a hell of a motivational tool. Sure.

Yeah. You don't see a lot of Jewish boxers these days, though. No, they're too busy killing it financially. Yeah. They don't need to box. Fucked up back. Bad neck. Enough about myself.

I know. Can you imagine the Jewish boxing league at the end of the day? Like, boy, where's the ice pack? Yeah. He's out for five to seven weeks with bad allergies. Yeah. Quick, we need some Claritin D. He's fading in this corner.

Shlomo's going up against Derry. He's ruined. Ding, ding. One, two, three, four. Oh, fuck fuck my diarrhea well he lost because it was a drafty boxing ring more jewish stereotypes all right now all right uh yeah man how you doing oh you started like you had like a thing now here we go folks what we go, folks. You're trying to kill this hangover?

Well, I'm trying. We had a long episode with another guest. We really drank it up. So I got the granules at the bottom here, and I can't get them all in, and I want to make sure I get all of it in one gulp. Yeah, dude. So you got to mix it up, or they stick. Keep that load all over your fucking chest.

Yeah, they stick to the bottom. Here we go. Sweep swigging it. Sweep swigging it. And here's the money shot, folks. Ken, yes, he did. Yeah, they stick to the bottom. Here we go. You're swigging it. Queep swigging it. And here's the money shot, folks. Ken, yes, he did. Well, good job. Should I have that stuff too?

Yeah, there's one left. I know, but there's no water. They can get us water. They got interns here. Yeah. Hey, interns. So what's going on with Elon Musk and Twitter? What do you think? I got to say something first.

I found something. Please. It might interest you. You guys friends with Dave Smith? Yeah. This has been making the rounds. I mean, I haven't seen him in forever, but I mean, I'll always love Dave.

Tweet from 2017 is making the rounds again. Oh, really? Yeah, here it is. He was a smart guy. I love Twitter. He's not dead. Oh, yeah. Why are you talking about he's dead?

You should buy it then. Is this a different Dave Smith? Same. Comedian Dave Smith. Okay, because his avatar is a bald guy and he's a good looking... Zoom in. That's not the Dave Smith we know. It said comedian Dave Smith. No, it's probably him. It's probably a joke.

Ah, thank you. Thank you, sir. Interns. Good water. Really seems to kill. Now I get why Bill Clinton liked him. Is that him? Now I get why Bill Clinton liked him Is that him? Now I get why hamsters eat their young I'll tell you Wait I'm sure it's him It's a common name

What do we know? That's true you should buy it then How much is it? 2017 Dave Smith's a smart motherfucker He knows his stuff Is that him, Dave Smith? That's not him.

Uh-oh. What does the bio say? Host and producer. It's not the name we know. It's not the name. It's not the same Dave. It's a different Dave. I like where your head's at.

Sorry, bro. Yeah. Damn. I like where your head's at a lot later. Oh, my God. Not even drunk yet. I wonder if ISIS ever said that. I like where your head's at.

After the old beheading. What are we doing here? Liquid IV. Concord grape. Ooh. What Concord? Just give us grape. What are we doing here?

Is anyone looking like, man, it's not Concord. Right, right. Just regular grape. Yeah. We'll be okay. Well, there's white grape and then there's red grape. Why's it got to be a white grape? Just saying.

All grapes matter. I sidelined us from the Elon Musk talk. Oh, sorry. We're all over the road here. Yeah, you did. Elon, I don't know why everybody's so upset. Well, we don't know what's going to happen yet. I think that's the whole thing.

It's like, why don't we just wait and see? We don't know if he's going to make it better. We don't know if he's going to make it worse. Can it get worse? It's funny when people are like, why is a we just wait and see? We don't know if he's going to make it better. We don't know if he's going to make it worse. Can it get worse? It's funny when people are like, why is a rich guy got to buy Twitter? And you're like, I don't think the people who own it right now are dirt poor. I don't know if you know who's running Twitter right now. Good point.

Also, Bezos bought Washington Post. Nobody seemed to care about that. I think people cared about that. Oh, did they? Okay. I feel like I'm seeing more heat on the Twitter buy. I mean, people just need shit to be mad about they really do it's like man you know bezos is like thrilled because he's like

where do people bitch about me twitter cool i'll buy it i know and they'll keep bitching about me love it this is activity yes it's more press for twitter this gotta be the most expensive vanity project of all time. I don't know, have you seen Waterworld? Waterworld. I actually enjoyed that movie. Dennis Hopper. But yeah, you're right. This is 44 Bill we're in here. 44 Bill.

Just for ego. Maybe he thinks he can spin this. What if he sells it for 48? Well, he's obviously a smart guy. He's got something up his South African sleeve, I think. I think something's cooking here. What do you think? I don't know.

I don't know. But maybe he'll just buy it and burn to the ground just to be like, hey, I own this bitch. Yeah, I've heard that. I don't think that's a smart financial decision. No. Like, here's 44 billion. Probably not. decision no here's 44 billion it's probably not but he did say you know how the algorithm is designed to reward hate and fighting and feuding and he said he's going to take that out which is

kind of nice because i feel like this whole country is being divided by just this ah it'd be hilarious if like you just write like hope everyone has a great day. And you're like, wow, 45,000 retweets. This is weird. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That'd be nice. But can it stand? Who knows? No, negativity wins on these god-awful platforms, I think.

Yeah. I mean, even if it's not outwardly negative, look what it takes off on Instagram. It's not something that's like, hope everyone has a great day. It's like a woman jiggling her tits or something. Well, it's not inherently good what we're doing. I mean, look, I don't hate it. But TikTok, what's popping off? It's like food and shit like that.

But you mentioned a thing from TikTok earlier. What was your thing about, you said you saw something Bourdain. It was a positive. I think TikTok and Instagram are more positive than Twitter for sure because I think those videos will be more upbeat than just a quick. Something about brevity on that and just words. I don't know. Yeah, and it's very.

For some reason, people with Twitter feel it's almost if you got like mental illness. What's the word? Concentrate. People are somehow willing to just talk about their mental illness and just's the word? Concentrate. People are somehow willing to just talk about their mental illness and just let it all out. It's almost like a concentration camp. Yeah. That was less mean than Twitter.

More pleasant. But yeah, people will just open up on Twitter and be like, I think this, I think that, I'm crazy, and I'm willing to show it. Yeah. Whereas on Instagram, you're like, like oh it's a sunset oh it's a small dog or a fucking cat on a wheel cats on a wheel dude can't beat it fucking love that shit are you pulling up twitter porn right now i was all right twitter's got great porn i will give them that bouncing boobs it is weird you can just see like porn on twitter we're like i think i

follow one porn star in there just because like she followed me and i was like yeah she's a famous porn star let me give her a follow and then i'd be in line at the grocery store it's like all joke joke joke and then one porn star like i'm like i'm a christine i can't do this i'm in line what are you doing to me i know when i got uh drugged or whatever it was the guy was my friend with me, Andrew Youngblood, was like, I'm like, call my agent. We can't do the shows. And he took my phone, and he put it up to my face. It unlocked it. And then he's like, OK.

And porn just came up. Really? And he started laughing, because that was the last thing I looked at. What genre were we doing? I think it was MILF. MILF is the go-to. Yeah, I love MILF. Love MILF.

MILFs are great. They like it. I want a woman having fun. And MILF seemed to be having fun. And also, I think Young is just creepy to it. Yeah, I love MILF. Love MILF. MILFs are great. They like it. I want a woman having fun. And MILFs seem to be having fun. And also, I think young is just creepy to me. I can't jerk off to a woman younger than me. Really? You can't.

Yeah, it's weird to me. I know, but you're getting older and older so that your window is closing. Soon it'll be 60 and up for me. Yeah. Just got to keep it. There's something creepy about young women and porn. I don't like it. Well, young. Even 20s. I don't like it. Well, young...

Even 20s, I don't want nothing to do with it. You don't want a 28-year-old porn star? Nah. Hmm. I don't mind 28. Give me someone whose dreams are completely over. That seems safe. I like that.

Now, that's a genre. Yeah. That doesn't even have to be MILF. I don't want MILF. I want crushed dreams. Yeah. I want a bag lady or a cashier or a lady who works at a sewage plant. MILF all day, for sure.

All right. MILF. What is it about MILF? Why do we like MILFs? Well, my mom was rarely around, so maybe that's something. And you feel like you're giving back a little bit. These MILFs are probably- That's not what it is. They're probably out there just trying to get laid. I don't jerk off when it's charity. Here's feel like you're giving back a little bit. Like these MILFs are probably. That's not what it is.

They're probably out there. I don't jerk off when it's charity. Here's what I think it is. I'm never like, wait, do you have any UNICEF porn? It's not charity. I think MILFs are like dudes in a way. They just want to get pounded and we want to get laid. There's no story.

There's no bullshit. There's no bullshit. What are we? Are we dating? Is this going to be something? Is there a future? No, we're trying to get laid. We're animals. You almost no bullshit. There's no bullshit. What are we? Are we dating? Is this going to be something? Is there a future? No, we're trying to get laid. We're animals.

You almost finish something just like you're done. They take a puff of a cigarette. They're like, get out of here, kid. Yes. I don't have time for that shit. What? MILF doesn't have time for that. I love that.

That's hot. They got to do the dishes. They've got a kid to worry about. Yes. I don't have time for this bullshit. Go pick up your son from soccer practice, you whore. Yes. And they want it and you want it the

character i was doing i would never speak to a woman that way you're pointing right at me i was pointing at you you fucking whore you're married to a milf wait a minute okay there you go i mean i i would i just call her you know your wife stacy she's a lovely woman yeah i would never call her a milf mark is milf MILF a compliment? You fucking horrible. What? No, he's asking is it a compliment. That's what's tough about. No, I don't think they want to be called a MILF. But you would like to.

By the way, MILFs, you ever speak to someone and they're like, I'm a MILF. And you're like, how old are you? Like 34? And you're like, oh, come on. MILF is supposed to be like mid 40s. But if you were at your daughter's or son's elementary school picking them up and going back to your house and a lady was like, oh, Sam, Mr. Morrill,

everybody thinks you're a dilf. Wouldn't you be flattered? No, because I don't want to fuck these kids. No, no, no. The teachers saying this. The teachers? Yeah. Not the kids. I mean, these are five-year-olds I'm talking about. Everyone's saying that you're one hell of a sex teacher. I'd throw it back on them. i guess i think that's a difference between men and women right

there is a dilf is a compliment of milf is like uh-oh where are we at here i mean look any of it's like you're like fuck i'm old anything that's just saying you're gonna be dead soon doesn't feel great well you could be a young mom i'll tell you what's even worse you say you're a real jilf Well you can be a young mom I'll tell you what's even worse You're a real jilf Grandma? Yeah Ah

But I think as a grandma You're like I'm still fuckable That's true I think there's a couple there How about a gilf? Gilf is even more impressive Puerto Rican We're gonna get there

Yeah This 101 year old grandma loves to fuck By the way the oldest person on the planet just died. 118. 119. Oh, really? Maybe it was 118. Would you?

Oh, man. Well, pull her up. Let's see. Tanaka, I think it was. Yeah, dude. Asian? Yeah. Yeah.

Japanese, maybe. Uh-oh. Is it 118 or 119? Let's see. She's seeing some shit Oh yeah There she is 119 What was her secret to staying alive

Yeah they always have good secrets It's always some horse shit where you're like Every day I drank bathtub gin And you're like I don't think that's I think you might be an outlier i don't know if that's i know it's all genetics but they're like i shot heroin in my ass every day and you're like oh maybe i'll try that tanaka loved should we do let's do some news stories man pull up the news yes sir let's get some fucking news stories up in this motherfucker

hell yeah oh look at you you got your stuff stop looking at this oh sorry shout out to tanaka you'll be missed 118 stop asian what's the oldest you bang 117 it depends on the colostomy bag i don't know i don't know what's going on at that age it's a whole i fucked like a me and a friend took a couple gals home once from uh playwrights tavern and they were they were pretty i mean these were like i don't know how they were i think they got out of the asylum or whatever you call the old folks home and had a night out but uh they were old you hooked up with them yeah and i remember banging one and she had this crazy vagina and she was like i got surgery on it for my third kid.

And I was like, ah. Nice. This is some good pillow talk here. What did he describe? We had a bad amusal after. What's that? He described the vagina? Well, I was going to town, and it felt different.

It felt filleted, if you will. It felt. Fillet of fish. Yeah. Let's go to the news it was strange i can't describe it i was we were both what do you got matt all right the so-called croydon cat killer is alleged to have killed and dismembered and mutilated 400 cats hey we got guests. Oh, shit. Surprise guests. Oh, my God. What is this, a sitcom? Are you Kramer? You coming in? Take that chair. Are you doing the bar?

I'm the wacky bartender. Yeah. Make a drink. He's not mic'd, though, Matt. We need to get him mic'd. Oh, yeah. Good point. Good point.

Well, you look good, man. Do you want to make us a drink up here? And we need some ice, too, then. Can I make you guys a drink? Let's do it. All right. You got the craziest genes, DeRosa. First of all, you're 68.

You drink every day, you eat KFC, and you look amazing. Oh, I've been on a diet. Aha. I've been on a diet. I started eating clean food that I make myself. Wow. And only drinking tequila and not drinking every day. Well done, good for you, man.

That's a step up. It's great to for you, man. That's a step up. It's great to see you, man. You're glowing. Let's get him mic'd so we can get some of this stuff. This is good stuff. Sorry, man. I'm sorry. This is what this studio's turned into.

It's like a hub. Well, I'll start making you guys a drink, though. Please. Is there like rocks glasses or is it all? We're looking for it. Well, you got two right there you can use. We just drank out of those. Okay.

Whose is whose? I mean, come on. At this point can use. We just drank out of those. Okay, whose is whose? I mean, come on. At this point, we all have... We all have HPV anyway, right? He's getting the ice there. But sorry, he's the producer. You know what he signed up for. Yeah, yeah.

We're talking about the cat killer. Oh, okay. Yeah, so the police carried out a three-year investigation into the cat killings, but have yet to make an arrest. The killings are still happening. Whoa. How many cats has he killed? It says upwards of 400, mutilated.

Wow. Don't fuck with cats. That's like 3,600 cat lives right there. That's horrible. That's true. What is going on? People want to kill cats there's like a real epidemic where people just you know they don't fuck with cats guy would put them in a bag and suck the arrow it's evil it's evil this guy's murdered more pussy than pete davidson no that's uh that's terrible that's you can't you can't just kill cats. Yeah, that sucks. Yeah, I mean, I saw the play.

It was pretty rough. But they always land on their feet. They'll be fine. Uh-oh. Sorry, Matt. This poor guy's working overtime because he's running an insane asylum here. He's just dropping ice. What are you doing?

That's running a rehab center. Everybody thinks a drinking podcast is a good idea. So they start producing it, and then it's like, this guy's coming in and out of me. I'm like, yeah, all right, guys. That's great. Dude, this is the wacky neighbor. I know, right?

Good to have you. And you have your own bar, and then you've got to come here and sling drinks. Hey, it's all right. It's all right, you know? Check out Joey Rose's, Lower East Side, Manhattan. Thank you. Good sandwiches. What do you guys want, a whiskey? right, you know? Check out Joey Rose's Lower East Side, Manhattan. Thank you. Good sandwiches. What do you guys want, a whiskey?

I don't know, whatever you. Keep it going with whiskey, because we had a couple of whiskeys earlier. Ooh, a gentlemen Jack, is that what we're doing? That's a single barrel Jack Daniels. Ooh, that's the good stuff. You can tell by the fancy bottle. Give you a little on ice.

There's something floating in these glasses already. It's pretty gross. Yeah, that's my career. It's pretty gross. That's my career. It's all over. Floating. I don't know what it is, but I'm not looking forward to this drink as much as I was the earlier ones. I don't blame you, dude. Look at this Mount Gay. What is that?

That's where Salicus lives. I don't see a tequila over here. It's gotta be something. Oh, here's Reposada. Hey! Come join. Sit down right there next to Salakis. I am.

I'm just going to pour a drink for her. What'd you do with Ari? This fucking kid. He left? He's like, we got to do this. We got to do that. Ari's the kind of guy that's like, do you want to hang out tomorrow? And you're like, yeah.

And then you have to call him. Yes. So what is the plan that you have in mind? Right, right. What was your idea? So him. Yes. So what is the plan that you have in mind? Right, right. What was your idea? So I get here. I'm walking into the studio. He's like, I'm shit-faced.

I'm going to get pizza. Let's wait 20 minutes before we crash. I go, no, I'm here. I'm crashing now. I go, what? And then he caught me out there. He's like, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait.

Don't go in yet. Don't go in. I go, why do I have to go in when you go in? He's like, okay, you're right. You're right. I'm sorry. And then he went and got pizza. See, this is the part of Ari no one knows about.

You know, the bathrobe, shaky old man Ari. It's all fun and games. He's in China. This is not happening. He's dosing Burt. But he's actually, I need a break. I can't handle it. I'm wearing a diaper.

Thank you. You good over here? You sure? Let's do another news story. All right. He's a father. Another one. We good over here? You sure? Let's do another news story. We have two different sets of news stories, so we're going to do one on the other app too. That's your mic right there. Oh, he mic'd me with this thing. Oh, so you're fine.

Are we good with just that then? You like him here, Matt, or you want him on the bench? Okay, the Georgia man. A Georgia man is accused of stuffing his grandmother in the freezer and leaving her there to die. She wasn't dead, I guess. Wow.

Robert Tincher III told police that he heard numerous bones break when he put his 82-year-old grandma in the freezer. Whoa. Jesus Christ. Who's picking these stories? Matt, what the fuck is wrong with you? Holy shit. What are you doing here?

That's a horrible story. Grandmother, that's a big freezer though you gotta hand it to this guy or she's a tiny woman oh that's true i think it's both right you know you got a little grandma in a large freezer i bet you it's a reaching freezer which is a term i learned after i opened a sandwich that's the freezer on the floor where you open the lid like a fucking coffin oh i know those that's what the guy in uh did you ever see that movie with um jack black um where he kills his where he's married to shirley mclean and he kills her no oh that's a great movie yeah the richard linkletter movie true story yeah yeah he put his wife in a reach-in freezer that's right you could like fit a body in And he was like, everybody loved him in the neighborhood.

He was like a town hero. And he turned out to be a fucking psycho. That's it. Yeah. That's a fun flick. Never saw it. I heard of it. Weirdly fun, considering how dark it is.

Dark. There's the real guy. Texas guy. Yeah, there you go. Damn. I think he sold cars. No, he ran a funeral home. Ah.

He ran a funeral home ah he ran a funeral home and um it was an odd it was an odd tale most of the people it's one of those movies where they do it like um docu style like and they enter you know like all the scenes are cut in with interviews and um actually you know you know dudley and bob the the radio guys in austin yeah dale dudley yeah he's in it he's like one of the people in the interviews and i was talking to him about it and i go dude some of those people are some of the best actors i've ever seen i was like i don't even know who they are but they're so real and he was like no dude those are real fucking oh wow that like knew the story and shit he just he. He just mixed it in with actors and stuff. And he mushed her in the freezer.

How do you think you're going to get away with that by putting someone in a freezer? He gets away with it for a while. Yeah. Until you're going for tater tots one day and you're like, I can't take it. Right. She's hated. His wife is hated. Yeah.

So he gets away with it for a while. And why is she so much older than him? That's part of the weirdness of it. He seems gay. She was rich, I think. Yeah, she's rich. It's a very strange story. Yeah, but Linklater's from Austin, I want to say.

I believe so. Because Dazing and Fuse is Austin. So is Slacker, right? So is Slacker. He's all about Austin. He was on Austin before Austin was Austin. He's one of the reasons I moved to Austin. Oh, you moved to Austin?

I lived there for a year um when i got out of college i studied tv production in college what yeah and i thought i was gonna do that for a living i thought i was gonna i don't know fucking edit or i don't know something yeah so i moved to austin to do independent film because it was when that boom was happening and and the two guys out of austin were link letter and robert rodriguez had just put out desperado whoa um so i thought i'll go to austin and i got there and they were like yeah buddy get in line everybody wants to work on these movies still a fun town though i mean for a young young derosa that's a fun place to meet gals get drunk and eat tacos yeah i had a blast made lifelong friends hey there you

go yeah it's it's i don't regret it at all good for you i i commend anybody who goes somewhere and in in attempts of a dream yeah you go to new york you go to la you go to austin you go to chicago whatever it is you went for it depends on your dream if you're slamming women in freezers it's a shitty dream yeah yeah It's a bad dream That's true Maybe his grandma was a cunt Alright let's lighten the mood to this next story Alright

A transgender Rikers inmate Raped a female prisoner Women's section of the jail And has been sentenced to seven more years Ah that's it Yeah seven years So it it's a it's a dude who's transitioned to a woman still has his penis her penis and but went to a women's prison and raped a woman wow there's no good option if you're trans in prison there's just not really a

good option yeah now i mean but what's fucked up is now like they're gonna let her stay in a female prison i know right like that's exactly the thing everybody that i mean like i get it when people are like stop worrying about shit happening it's not gonna happen but this is the rarer case where it did happen you gotta send her now to a man's prison but then she's gonna get raped like crazy oh yeah there's no win here but here's the rule. You want to go to a female prison, you got to cut the dick off. That should be the rule. All right.

I'm with that. Mark 2024. Who pays for it? The state? The state. And we keep the dicks. Or you got to have a chicks with dicks prison. You got to have a section.

Now that's a porn. Yeah. I'd watch it. Chicks with dicks prison. This is like Juana Mann meets Oz. This is a dark. Juana Oz. She goes by Diamond Blunt.

I'm sure this is a Hasidic Jew, obviously, or an Asian. I like how they sentenced her like seven more years of raping. It's like your reward, your punishment is a reward. Yeah, yeah. You're back in the hen house. Jesus. This is damn good what is this single barrel yeah good stuff whiskey i don't like my that i don't like what i poured

sometimes a tequila has too much of a vanilla flavor i agree when that's the case yeah i'm with you we might have something else that's fine i'm a big boy i'll finish it it's here to do a job i mean it's not you know this is a it's such a happy dropping i'm so happy to i'm happy to see you guys i'm thrilled you look great i'm thrilled thank you you both do as well but you guys never really looked bad so well you're one of the few guys who's down for a hang most people go hey you want to do this and they go i got eight shows i got a podcast i got a i i gotta travel and you're like what time yeah i i always held the hang is as important as the work here here which is why you know we combine the two yeah i i you

know what though that's what i always liked about you you guys like you guys were part of a you know we talked about this a little bit last time when i was here but you guys were sort of part of the class like i felt like right after my class like and your class had a much more um i don't flippant sounds negative i don't mean a negative but a much more flippant approach to the worry of like showing up yeah i can't think of another word but you weren't quite as concerned about showing up to shows like drunk and having fun yeah i envied it because when i started like there was a lot more sober guys in squares really well dude i came up under well first of all there were sober guys but you had the extremes you had this the fucking animals you had the atels and the stan hopes and the geraldos well they were

the they were a class ahead of us okay but attell and stanhope and giraldo who i did hang out with many times they were not the norm like they were they were sort of the rarity like the guys also all prolific as fuck for guys who did that they were even more rare true they were they were and then also too though the guys that i that were in the class immediately ahead of me that I looked up to, none of them drank. Patrice didn't drink. DiPaolo didn't drink. Nick drank.

He didn't drink, but he didn't drink. You know what I mean? He didn't go out. Colin didn't drink. He had Burr. Bobby didn't drink. Burr started – me and Burr started to drink together. Wow.

But Burr would always blame me for making him drink, Which, you know, but like he was not a guy. So my point is, is like, and the guys in my media class, Jay didn't really drink. Right. Marina didn't drink. Like, it just wasn't around. And then I was always envious. Most of my hanging was done with you guys. I would hang with you guys and Soder.

Right. Nate. Nate. Yeah. You know? And I remember you like showing up to Caroline's like, I'm so hungover. Fuck like i was like man i wish i had the balls to do that like i would like hide it oh really yeah i would always be scared it was so bad sometimes i couldn't hide it oh my god yeah caroline's also this the free booze was i know i mean they would make whoever was bartending there

would be like a legit like johnny or whoever would be bartending there be like oh there's like a good bartender i'm gonna get fucked up oh yeah that was the land of milk and honey that place louis was the guy yeah louis was the puerto rican guy that bartended at carolines he was sort of a stocky guy with glasses he was really boisterous yes he would spin and dance and stuff as he was making drinks like he was the fucking man yeah that stairwell i used to walk down and be like this is gonna be great it was so exciting you were in midtown it was that you know you go into the diamonds all different colors and that green room we own that place and now i go down there i'm like what is this a museum it's a library yeah you could smoke cigarettes in the green room back then it was a fucking it was crazy uh we got the

we got the tail end of the of the uh we got the we got the tail end of the of the wild west i mean we got the tail end of it we caught the tail end i remember going out with a tail in the east village oh before like i'm oh my god like just you were going into the depths of fucking hell like at 5 a.m the last the last remnants of like the after hours yeah mars bar yeah oh he'd like bang on like a sliding garage door and they'd slide it open and let us in The last remnants of the after hours. Sure, Mars bar and shit. He'd bang on a sliding garage door, and they'd slide it open and let us in. What's the password? Yeah, like wild.

I'd be making out with chicks I just met, doing coke with them and shit. It was a scene, man. It was fucking a scene. The city's losing its edge, man. I was coming back. I was leaving a bar, like fucking closed the bar this last weekend it's 4 a.m trying to get a cab there's no fucking yellow cabs left for some reason it's 60 dollars to take an uber two miles yeah so so i'm like just waiting guys are stopping in the street a guy goes uh all right how far i tell him where i'm going he goes it's 50 bucks i go that's it's two miles dude it's 5 a.m he goes he goes he

goes fuck you you piece of shit i go and i go i go fuck you i'm hammered like you fucking you motherfucker we're both going at each other he goes you fucking cheap piece of shit and i was like 40 and he goes all right fuck you 40 as i'm getting he goes plus tip I'm like you motherfucker so funny dude so what'd you give him 41 I wouldn't do it whoa we kept fighting I kept walking yeah that's a and then I ended up taking an uber for 65 yeah he showed me the principal I've tried the congestion fee they call they there's a peeve they charge a congestion fee at 5 a.m outrageous what can unless the guy had covid there's no fucking congestion. What part of town

were you going to? I was going to Upper West, basically Lincoln Center area. And they're fucking... And where were you? In the village? It was like 15th Street. That's not even two miles. That's insane. You should have trained it at that point. I should have. It was like 5 a.m. and I was

fucking bliss. I wouldn't fuck around at that time on the train. Not these days. There was a time. That's true. The train's wild now. Motherfuckers, step to us on the train. Yeah, show them, Sal. He's got a fucking switchblade over here.

Get a little pepper spray going. Yeah, bug. He grew up in Brooklyn. There you go. Yeah. Not fucking around anymore. Get that knife out. Don't let that Hawaiian shirt fool you.

He's not easy breezy. You see a dude in a Hawaiian shirt taking a knife out. You're knife out. No, I can't. Don't let that Hawaiian shirt fool you. He's not easy breezy. You see a dude in a Hawaiian shirt taking a knife out, you're stepping back. Oh, yeah. You got that right. Yeah, that's like Hunter Thompson shit. Yeah. That's awesome. I have a big knife under my bed now.

I have like a fucking Rambo knife. With a handle? I have a Rambo knife under my bed because I was like, I need something in here in case somebody, you know, like it's fucking nuts. It's possible now. Yeah. It's fucking wild. Also a good way to get rid of a lady after one night stand.

Like, have you seen my knife collection? She's like, forget breakfast. I'm out of here. Now this city has gone down the fucking toilet. I love it still, but God damn, what is happening? It's my favorite place on planet earth. Like it, I'll never. You like it like this when it's dicey, a little Thunderdome? It's all favorite place on planet Earth. Like it, I'll never. You like it like this?

When it's dicey? A little Thunderdome? It's all right. I like it always. It's exciting. I feel like we're in a Grand Theft Auto video game, and it's kind of fun to see. It does feel like you're going up against a boss every once in a while, where you're like, this dude's fucking dangerous.

Yeah. You don't know which way to go. Just as my brother were trashing the city, my brother and I are shitting on how the city's gone downhill. Right as we're staying in the West Village village we just see a dude chasing another dude with a pipe and i was like that's kind of fun yeah keeps you keeps you engaged you got bad add a dude with a pipe chases you you're gonna focus yeah no i i agree i agree i i i like it in all variations since i've lived here and um i do want more than ever now i would like to buy

a place in like the stick somewhere so i can go from one extreme to another yeah when i need to that seems fair but that said i can't imagine there will be a time in my life where i don't have something in this city that I'm renting or spending time here like I just can't imagine it it's the best place in the world I say this about Austin I say it about New York um there are very few other cities I would say it about no matter how um uh homogenized it becomes or or how much things go sideways or downhill it is still light years beyond any other of course like and i love i love i love philly there's a lot of other cities i love philly's great chicago's great yeah there's a lot of them but like fun austin yeah it's just like

this is one of those places where it's like no matter what happens you're still it's just the fucking best the best somebody put it well when pandemic was happening i think it was ian lara and he was like people were like the city's changing everybody's moving out it's and he's like new york doesn't care it's always gonna be here it's always gonna be the best it goes up it goes down but it's not changing you know it's the same shit it's just it's just it's just new york it really is it's like when people say i'm fucking out of here it's like new york's it's like we're new york's gonna be okay even with the office space everyone's like well what about the offices new york will find a way to survive trust me yeah yeah it's it's so much yeah it's like a part the city's like a part of nature at this point yes

like it'll it'll adapt system oh the offices are going down guess what those will get turned into apartment buildings something will happen where it survives. Yeah, or like the world's first 36-floor nightclub or something. Something insane. Dude, you got to go to floor 33. It's crazy. But no, dude, that's, I swear to God, I'm not being maudlin or poetic or anything.

I swear to you, I'm not being maudlin or poetic or anything. I swear to you this is true. That is the sentence that started me opening Joey Rose's with Paul Italia. We were sitting on his roof. We were looking at the closed buildings. And he said, Joe, mark my words, the survivors are the ones that stay. Everybody jumping ship, forget it. Don't pay attention to that. The people that are going to survive here are the ones that stay and see it through and he goes so if you ever had an

idea now's the time whoa that was literally the sentence and the sentiment that started it so it's exactly what we're saying it's like someone's saying the same thing in ukraine right now he's like today's the day we open a sandwich shop we need a sandwich shop. We need a sandwich shop here. Go to that cupcake place. This is it. You're totally right, dude. I love the, I can't believe I still haven't been there. We're going to go. It's great.

It's so well, it looks great in there. You just want to, when you get in, you just want a high life and a shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what we wanted it to be. 174 Remington, folks. Tuesday through Sunday. Maybe we end up there at some point tonight. It'd be nice.

I'm down. I'm down. I got 11 o'clock at the cellar. Oh, dear God. Which room? VU. What was that sound that you just made? Sorry. I went all over the place. Are you a duck? VU's not a bad one at 11pm on a Tuesday. VU's fun. I like VU. I like VU a lot.

The lighting looks beautiful in there now, too. It's like if you get a tape from there, you're like, this looks fucking beautiful. Yeah, it's a good, that's a great room. They're all good, but it hurts sometimes. You're like, I got a 1 a.m. at the Black Cat Bar. Yeah, that's a tough one. In between setups, you just hear. I know, right?

You hear a vacuum. Can you make that cocktail a little less loud, please? I know. Trying to pursue my dream. The worst is when you do the VU, you kill it, you go up to the Fat Black, which is eight feet away vertically, and you eat shit. It's the same material, eating shit.

Yeah, and the VU is always spitting in the Black Cat's face because you're hearing the VU music playing as you're on stage at the Black Cat. So true. The VU really throws its nuts around. The VU music playing as you're on stage at the Black Cat. So true. The VU really throws its nuts around. The VU is pretty epic. VU and McDougal are the two best. They're my two favorite

rooms. Can't beat it. I actually like for that run of rooms, I actually prefer the VU and the Black Cat Lounge. The Lounge is good. I have grown to love the lounge there's great oh the hours all right yeah i've really grown to love the lounge and i love the

downstairs room at the stand so many bombs those are my favorite places i've run once i saw colin quinn would run hours there i would always beg liz i was like i feel like after colin i was one of the first guys to just beg to run hours in there. Sure. I was like, how else am I going to write in the city? And I would just bomb there so much. So I started to fucking hate the room, but it kept you honest. I used to bomb there until they made it a legit regular room. And then something in the air in there changed. When it was just a Monday night room to do your, what do they call it?

New jokes. By the way, shout out to Will Silvins for starting that show will's been on the show before i mean started a show that literally was like hey new yorkers fucking bring new material like encourage us to write fuck yeah dude yeah ironically all the people who need to write are never there but you know you are that is interesting isn't it yeah yeah that is interesting um but yeah those there's there's still some great comedy rooms in the city like like i like all of gotham but downstairs at gotham i love that little room downstairs i love it i love downstairs at the stand i love yeah v lounge i like the cellar don't get me wrong i just prefer the vu and then the black cat black cat lounge I love New York comedy club oh

yes like 4th Street too I love that killer both New York comical booms are pretty they're both kill rooms oh great yeah those are those are awesome rooms and then after that you know like Caroline's is a good headlining room I don't fuck around I don't go let's go to the strip or stand me or I don't ever go I don't private shows really blew it because they had Adam Sandler and Jerry Seinfeld use them in their specials. And they didn't parlay that into anything. It's like people were showing up. Tourists were showing up like, this is the room.

Right. And they didn't parlay that. I mean, I just did West Side Comedy Club and it was pretty good. It's a solid room. If it's full, it's great. I like it. Yeah, I like it too. You get a cool crowd.

It's like that dewy Upper West Side crowd. I love it. I like that. Okay. I never did it before. It's a solid room. If it's full, it's great. I like it. Yeah, I like it, too. You get a cool crowd. It's like that chewy Upper West Side crowd. I love it. I like that. Okay. I never did it before. It's a good layout. I opened for Bill Burr there once. It was sold out.

It was bananas, but it's his people. All right. It's a cool room. Nice. You know, Gina ran it for a minute. Gina said. She works at the cellar now. Yeah.

Well, who knows? She's all over the road. Yeah. David tell it the best line on it. Uh-oh. She's worked at so many clubs. He just walked up to her and he goes, Eighth club's the charm.

She was dying. She was laughing so hard. It's like, man. That is so good. He just can't not churn out gold. The guy cuts deep. He cuts real deep. He cuts deep.

In one sentence, he'll cut you to the core. Yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ, man. Oh, my God. That's so fucking funny. So good. Holy shit. She told it to me, and I was like, God damn, that's good.

That's good, and it's simple. Eighth clubs the four words. It also shows how aware he is. He saw her. Oh, she worked here. She worked here. She worked here. And he put it all together and put it out in four words.

That's love right there. Yes. that is love that's love i'm paying attention to your life and i'm teasing you you got that right that is love i got a nork i got a nork i got all right hey baby quick uh i got a mark norman joke oh i ran this by you years ago it's just a premise so there's no punch lines lay it on me but the punch line i mean the premise is perfect the impression the cadence is perfect i'm not going to be able to do the voice very well all right but this is a perfect mark norman bit premise with no punch lines ready you're gonna remember this i think when i do it ready i was doing this in the shower today you don't know what i was doing

the shower earlier yeah uh uh premises clothes shopping okay yeah did you ever go to the bargain rack geez that stuff is cheap did you ever go to old navy whole stores the bargain rack did you ever go to the bargain rack at old navy holy hell hell, they're giving it away. That's not bad. That's a perfect Mark Norman premise. There's no punchlines, as I said. I'll take it. I'll take it. You're close. You got one line away, and that's

a killer bid. Thank God it's the Old Navy. You don't know what the New Navy's charging. You gotta add the... I don't know how to write jokes like that. How about this? How about this? Okay, bargain rack, bargain rack. I went to the bargain rack at Old Navy. It was Old Army. All right.

All right. I don't know. I'm thinking out. I'm spitballing here. But I like where your head's at. All right. I saw Emmy Blotnick on stage the other day. She just walked up, and she's like, I don't know.

I'm thinking about buying Twitter. And I was like, oh, I wish I thought of that. That's a great line. That's a funny bit. I love little lines like that did you ever see when Brendan Walsh used to go on stage it worked every time

he would go on stage and he would open with you go Jesus you don't know because you're in the show Gene Hackman just died yeah and the audience would be like and then he'd be like I'm just fucking with you and it would get this huge laugh and I'd be like none of you realize how much you love Gene Hackman just died. I love his bed. Yeah, and the audience would be like, and then he'd be like, I'm just fucking with you. And then we'd get this huge laugh. And I'd be like, none of you realize how much you love Gene Hackman.

He did on Conan. He killed on Conan. Yeah, Jesus Christ. And also, how the hell is Gene Hackman still? He is 90-something. He's still going. He's still going. And he looks great.

He just retired, yeah. Yeah, he doesn't act anymore, but he puts out a statement every few years where he's like, I'm doing good, everybody. I just don't act anymore. Welcome to Mooseportose port will not define my end yeah right yeah he's great gene hackman just fucking ruled for so long i'm with such great movies oh god french connection come on french connection rules fucking unforgiven dude unforgiven conversation enemy royal tenenbaums enemy of the States Underrated

That's a good movie With Will Smith He's sort of like reprising his role From The Conversation Pretty much Well done Sally His second to last movie I think is Royal Tenenbaums

And his last movie is Welcome to Mooseport, right? No, Runaway Jury, Behind Enemy Lines. I don't know if that did well. What was Runaway Jury? He was in Behind Enemy Lines? That was a John Cusack vehicle out of New Orleans. That was when Cusack was still doing like-

Drama. Weighty stuff. Yeah. By the way, he's got a great line in uh in tenenbaums when danny glover is fucking his ex-wife and he comes up on him like beefing and he goes easy coltrane yeah yeah i love that line yeah yeah that's like an atel yeah no that's that's so funny the uh well technically his last movie is the release of the Richard Donner cut of Superman 2, so he went out on top. All right, all right.

There you go. Moose Port. Oh, yeah, yeah. Lex Luthor, for Christ's sake. Yeah. I just got the box set. Oh, Get Shorty was killer. Oh, that's right.

This is a really good run right here. Birdcage, yeah, damn. Wyatt Earp, Quick and the Dead. Come on. Oh, yeah, Birdcage, right? Postcards from the Edge. Bit of a dark period here. Mississippi Burning. I'll. Oh, yeah. Birdcage, right? Postcards from the Edge. Bit of a dark period here. I'll miss it, Bernie.

Another Woman. That's a great Woody Allen movie. Hoosiers. Classic. Classic. We haven't even hit his street cap. If you rewatch that, though, you're like, this white team is not winning this game. Yeah, yeah.

Let's be real. That's fantasy. You're doing running jump shots. This black team would fucking kill you. Yeah, yeah. Come on. Lord of the Rings was easier to swallow. That's so funny. you're doing running jump shots this black team would fucking kill you yeah yeah come on the rings was easier to swallow that's so funny the uh the poseidon adventure this guy's been there all holy shit that's an honor wait who the hell is he in young frankenstein yeah who is he i don't know

i mean look it up he's not he's not the monster scroll up that's peter boyle blind oh that's right he plays the blind oh yeah is that right one of those few main movie stars who wasn't traditionally good looking. Yes. Like leading men types. I mean, like De Niro. I guess Dustin Hoffman, you could say, also is not traditionally good looking. True, but he's cute. He's got a full head of hair.

He's a cute Jewish guy. Well, you know, he was originally, Gene Hackman was originally Mr. Robinson in The Graduate. Whoa. And he got fired because he, I think Dustin Hoffman, Mike Nichols played mind games with you. And Hoffman's like, I'm going to get fired. No, Gene Hackman's like, no, I'm going to get fired. And he's like, no, what are you talking about?

You're great. And he goes, I'm too young. He's like, I'm like 10 years older than you. I shouldn't be playing Mr. Robinson. And Nichols was like, get him out. And he fired him. Whoa. Mike Nichols seems like he was a dildo.

He was a real dick, I think. Genius, but a dick, I think. Yeah, I think he was a very brilliant guy. But I've seen the interviews with him later in life. And the way he was talking, I was like, oh. I don't think I would have liked that. You're like the original alt comic. You're so sensitive about everything.

Right. The way he did that movie with Gary Shanling, where he played the alien the alien remember in the 90s yeah what planet are you from dude he wouldn't let him do like extra takes i'm like you're dealing with a fucking great comedian really and you're fucking the movie up because you're not letting him breathe interesting movie sucks it sucks but i mean do you only think it could have been maybe good if it was directed by someone else yeah well yeah or let let shanley and those guys do what they're going to do. Exactly. I mean, this is a great run here.

He has a disease that made his hair fall out when he was like six. Mike Nichols. So that's a piece. Alopecia? Maybe. Jeez. Better not joke about that. Or is there another thing that's like alopecia?

I don't know. I thought it was something else, but he's wearing a wig. Yeah. I mean, Nichols, who's afraid of a Virginia Woolf? Did you ever see that movie? It's never stuck in mask. It's a lot. I got to watch it.

Catch-22 is good. Tour de Force. Karma Knowledge. Yeah, this guy's on fire. Working Girl. I jerked off to that. Regarding Henry. Come on.

Regarding Henry. Bird Cage. Damn, I didn't know he did primary college. Bird Cage. Wit. Travolta played Bill Clinton Closer Charlie Wilson's War Wow

Do you like Philip Seymour Hoffman? I can't believe I haven't seen it It is in my top five Hoffman performances Top three. What are the other two? Boogie Nights.

Boogie Nights and Magnolia. I would go Boogie Nights and Big Lebowski. Such a small role, though. It is. Both of them are small roles. You know what's an underrated Hoffman performance? MI3 as a villain. He's fucking amazing in that shit.

Wait, what other film? Give me the philip seymour hoffman list i want to write capote capote yeah but i it's not a i don't enjoy the film though but it's good it's a good movie i'm saying though like for for my favorite philip seymour hoffman performances i'm not putting capote in oh i love uh god's pocket did you ever see that before the devil knows you're dead yes awesome one god's pocket that's what i call my uh yeah Oh, I love God's Pocket. Did you ever see that movie? Before the Devil Knows You're Dead? Yes. Awesome one. God's Pocket. You ever seen Schenectady?

That's what I call my- Yeah, I haven't seen that one either. Fleshlight. Yeah, Charlie Kaufman. My therapist loves that movie. God's Pocket is great. John Turturro, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Richard Jenkins. Okay.

Fucking great movie. Fucking love Richard Jenkins. Best post 9-11 movies, 25th Hour and The Visitor. Richard Jenkins and The Visitor. Amazing. Yeah. For like that post 9-11 vibe. 25th Hour and The Visitor. Richard Jenkins and The Visitor. Amazing. Yeah. For like that post 9-11 vibe. I'm going to give, all right, my top three.

I'm going to give Boogie Nights. Don't say Twister. I won't say it. Oh, shit. With the shirts. I want to get a slice of pizza. How do we do this mic-wise, Peters? We Might Be Drunk is thrilled to welcome our new sponsor, Fanimal.

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Happiness? Nah, it's too gross. What? It's too gross. Whoa, I'm going to say Boogie Nights. Happiness? No, it's too gross. What? It's too gross. Whoa, I like that show you're in. Which one did I just say was my... Oh, Charlie Wilson's War. Yep.

And I might go State and Maine as my third. I saw it when I was too young. I don't think I appreciated it enough. It's Mammoth, right? It's heavy. It's Mammoth. Yeah. Alex Baldwin.

Oh, I'm thinking of... No, but it's Alex Baldwin's in it and stuff, right? Mr. Ripley. Yeah, Alex Baldwin fucks 16-year-olds in it. Nice. That's like his vice. They have to keep covering it up. Mammoth's got a new movie out now, right?

Who? Mammoth? No. No, his play is American Buffalo. I'm going Thursday night. Oh, yeah? Sam Rockwell, Paul, and Laurence Fishburne. I'm going Thursday night, 7 p.m.

Do you want to take this chair? That's going to be amazing. Yeah, I can't wait. No, no, Matt. Sit down. You need your computer. All right. Holy shit.

What else is above State and Maine on the IMDb? Coming. This is... Amy Mann is so fucking... Talented Mr. Ripley. That's a good one. Oh, Punch Drunk Love. He's great, but again, small role.

Patches. Who? Who is it? Oh, Along Came Polly. He's great. Rain Drops. Hold on. I got to give Along came Pauly.

It's props. He's amazing in that movie. There's a scratching of his fucking back hair against this guy's chest. It's amazing. No, that's not him, though. He's in Strangers with Candy? Oh, yeah. The basketball with...

I don't remember. It's the guy they're playing against. It's not Philip Z. Robin. But Philip Z. Robin is equally as disgusting in that movie. There he is. Get that up.

Pull it up. His face was against the guy. He keeps going swish, and there are none of the shots. Rain Man. Can I say Philip Seymour Hoffman's biggest problem is... She's not a white female, dude. Rain Dance. Rain Dance. You know what?

Actually, we're kind of in the middle of a conversation. You douchebags bring your A-game? I'm just messing with you, Sasquatch. What did I do? Take a roll. We've all played with this dude. Is this Manhattan? Yes.

Or it's supposed to be, at least. I don't know, but I love a ball hog who sucks. Yes. Yes. Raindrops. Old school. What makes it even better is his form is kind of right. Yeah.

And it's still horrible. Also, the shot they're showing is so off from the shot he takes. It's like a slam against the backboard. He has arc. Man, he's good. Whatever happened to him? He didn't know that your tolerance goes down. You gotta ramp up, Phillip.

This is like every rom-com in the 90s. That's the one. His face goes... She's really cool. She did this. Baldwin's great in this too. Best rom-com, Zerosa. Annie Hall. Annie Hall. Annie Hall.

The staple. Hannah and Her Sisters is my favorite movie of all time. You love that movie. Really? Yeah. That's a great movie. 10 Things I Hate About You. My favorite Woody Allen.

Love Actually. Jesus. The Brits. I want Gay Polly. What do you think? You got a few? Anything with Drew Barrymore High Fidelity

That might be the best one of all time That's a good one When Harry Met Sally is great That's a great movie Classic shot Rom-com suck now They suck Palm Springs is pretty good

Too much Rom, not enough Com Something about Mary is technically a Rom-coms suck now They suck They suck Palm Springs is pretty good Too much Rom Not enough Com Right Com is out Good point Something about Mary Is technically a Rom-com Kamala Harris

It's so good That's a great movie Yeah Wedding Singer Wedding Singer's great Wedding Singer's a good one You know what's a decent comedy Is Saving Silverman

Yeah it's good Yeah I like Saving Silverman That's fun Yeah Moonstruck of course Yeah Oh Can't Buy Me Love Holy shit Wow that is great What a premise He goes and fucks housewives Say anything yeah Moonstruck of course yeah oh Can't Buy Me Love holy shit

wow that was great what a premise he goes and fucks housewives say anything the remake of Can't Buy Me Love was just Nick Cannon just the black Can't Buy Me Love

what is there a remake yeah Nick Cannon did it really Kevin Christie was in it Can't Hardly Wait is a great one Nick Cannon's in it

Jew repping Cannon in the remake this is crazy I love Nick Cannon he's right about the Jews dude the day after oh Girl Next Door you know there was a picture of nick cannon performing at caroline's and i just retweeted i was like can we get some good news today and he just follows me right after i tweeted i'm like god can't you make any jokes anymore without the lead of the masked singer coming after you? That's so funny, man.

I'm not anti-Semitic. I follow Sam Morell. Pretty in Pink. Old John Hughes rom-coms were great. Yeah, yeah. Pretty in Pink's a great one. They were teen rom-coms. Rose Point Blank was great.

That's not a rom-com, though. It's just like a great movie. Some Kind of Wonderful. Punch Drunk Love is such a weird punch drunk. I like that one. It's so fucking underrated. I think I might love rom-coms. With all these numbs.

They're amazing, dude. There's some great ones. There's some bad ones. When you were an aspiring director, your first movie was always one of two things. Is The Apartment a rom-com? It was either a heist. It is. I guess so.

It's a great rom-com. Which one? Which one? The Apartment with Jack Lemmon, Billy Wilder movie. I'll so. It's a great rom-com. Which one? Which one? The Apartment with Jack Lemmon. Billy Wilder movie. I'll be honest with you. I think in its own way, The Odd Couple is a rom-com. Nah.

That's a buddy movie. That's a buddy movie. Yeah, but it's a buddy movie. It's a rom-com between two men. Swingers is a buddy movie. Love Letter, I see. It's a rom-com with no penetration, Mark. It's two guys that think they're not going to make it, making it in the end. You know what I mean? Okay. Okay. So Hoosiers is a rom-com with no penetration mark it's two guys i think they're not gonna make it making it in the

end okay okay but um so hoosiers is not romantic no that's not i don't know midnight run was a rom-com the accused is a great list schindler's list rom-com beverly hills cop rom-com wait what were we just talking what movie were we just talking about, though? Serendipity? No. The Long Came Polly. Are you drinking straight tequila out of a martini glass? I am.

It's the only one I could find on short notice. There's many glasses up there. There's a glass right there. Glass over there. Glass over there. I didn't see them all. What kind of pizza did you get? Kosher pizza. Whoa.

There's a kosher pizza place right around here. I was like, you're really running with this new show. It's really shitty. Yeah. What's on it? There can't be meat or cheese on it. It's one or the other, I mean. Oh, yeah, right.

Did you bury the plate? That's all I know about Jewish culture. That's the only thing that's not kosher. You were a Jewish Hebrew school kid, huh? Yeah, Orthodox Jewish. You went all in. All in. I went to a seminary.

Yikes. Holy shit. Israel, two years. That's wild. How was it? Great. Was the falafel incredible? The falafel was incredible.

And the bread, there's no, it was just fresh every day. Damn. Falafel Eshtenor. How'd you dodge the army? Don't tell them your father's Israeli. That was the prime directive. Do not say your dad is from Israel. They will draft you.

Wow. And get out before you've been there for three years. Damn. Yeah, and claim your effect, pussy. I'm hungry now. I'm hungry. I kind of like the mandatory army thing thing i don't want to do it but it's i think it might be good for the it makes everybody feel like you're part of the country

exactly in theory it's great in theory in theory communism is great in theory wow theory right hey theory comedy is great yeah that is true is true. What a shit fucking gig. Hey, we're having a blast right now. No, this is fun. This ain't comedy. This is podcasting. This is fallback plans. This is what we should have been doing the whole time.

This is drinking with your buddies. Yeah. Speaking of which, you got a special you're recording, which we're all confused about. I can explain. I knew I was going to get shit for this. I knew I was going to get shit for this. But yes, I'm shooting my new hour special. I'm proud of you.

In Houston at the Come and Take It Festival. Secret group. Yeah, at the secret group. Andrew Youngblood's joint. Is the venue. Yeah, May 19th and May 22nd. A Thursday and a Sunday. One show each night. Come on out.

It's very few seats. It's a 200-seater in there. Not even. No, I'm doing the small room. Oh, the doing no i'm doing the small room oh i'm doing like the tight room 27 seats it's gonna be incredible is that we did our show mark huh is that where you did our uh skank fest show oh one of them you jump around in there no no our pre-skank fest show me you and shane is that that room that's the big room he's doing a small one wow yeah it's gonna be tight yeah it's gonna be great. He's doing the small one. Wow. Oh, it's going to be tight and good. Yeah, it's going to be great. So I'm doing Thursday.

Then I go to Austin and do four shows at the Creek and Cave on that Friday and Saturday. Oh, nice. Then I come back to Houston and do the second taping of the special on the 22nd. Interesting. So it's going to be a weird thing, but very cool. So yeah, that's it. New hour. It's called I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.

Oh, good. That's nice. Joy Roses. Poetic. I saw it on a book and i was like i'm gonna call my special that's got the nice negative tone give you a sandwich shop but yeah i'm excited but yeah so anyway that's all right what got you to hunker down and go fuck it i'm doing an hour special because i you know like all of us probably i had the skeleton of whatever the hour

was before lockdown right sure and i you know slowly started to do comedy again and write some new things then i went on the road and then when i went on the road i remember sitting down one day and being like all right i'm gonna go fucking crazy like i need to write like 20 new minutes to to like fill out what this skeletal hour was because i'm plugging all the holes with old stuff and i had never released the other stuff so i did that and it all worked and it just congealed and all of a sudden this hour that i was like iffy about from before the pandemic became this much more elevated thing nice i was very proud of and i started doing it and it was just working and i was like i i need to do this i need to record this like now like this is because it's very like of the time it's hell yeah you know and that was it what are

you playing that i never promised you a rose garden. Oh, there you go. I didn't even know it was a song. What a bomb outfit she has on. I would wear that. Should I dress like that in the special? Yeah. Yeah. I had to look at you to see if you could pull it off, but I think you can. It's going to be awesome.

Look at those tinted glasses. Who is this bitch? She's fucking bomb. I'm sure a lot of our listeners know Joe's stand-up, but he's hilarious. He is hilarious. Thanks, guys. I've been trying our listeners know Joe's stand-up, but he's hilarious. He's hilarious. So funny. Thanks, guys. I've been trying to get you in a stand-up for 10 years.

The one joke I always quote from you is, I think it might have been a throwaway joke, but it was everybody talking about how great Europe is compared to America. Oh, they've got this. They've got that. It goes, yeah, you know what they got in Europe that we don't have in America? Ruins. Fuck Europe. There's no air conditioning that's great it took me a second you guys are sweet thank you i appreciate it thank you guys i love

your i quote your bit about uh tolerance all the time he's like everybody thinks you're so tolerant tolerant don't give it away it's like that's a closer oh that's oh really yeah that's a great bit special that that oh yeah okay. All roads lead to that bit. Rogan's manager, the Depression album you did? Depression Auction. She said it was her favorite CD of all time. Rogan's manager said that? Yeah. It doesn't mean you'll be on.

You won't ever be on again. But he did say that she was like, I loved it. I couldn't stop playing it. Really? I loved it so much. Yeah. Where the hell has she been? Handling a multi

hundred million dollar career are you still are you still smoking marlboro reds is the question now i quit smoking a few good for you good good yeah i remember you were it's always rough when you see a young guy with marlboro reds i was never a reds guy though i was i was a winston's guy for a minute what a shit your head out of your ass, Winston's. I was with Winston's for a while. You're not better than us. Winston's are trash. What are you talking about?

Sounds classy, though. Yeah, it does. No, Winston's? I don't know. No, pull up Winston's cigarettes. Winston's is a cigarette that you pack on the back of a slave. Those are Winston's. Packed on a slave.

These are not classy cigarettes. What am I thinking of? That's a good looking box. You're thinking of like Dunhills. Yeah, Dunhills. Dunhills are classy. Yeah, Winston's are like cowboy cigarettes. You're right.

I'll take it back. I'll take it back. Yeah, Winston's are not. Winston sounds like a waspy name, though it still sounds classy. Winston? It sounds like you're a butler. You know Winston? You know who smoked Winston's?

You know who smoked Winston's? Who? And I know because I knew his daughter for a while. I was friends with his daughter. Josh Brolin smoked Winston's you know who smoked Winston's and I know because I knew his daughter for a while I was friends with his daughter Josh Brolin smoked Winston's that kind of guy that's the kind of guy

that smokes Winston's but he's a nice combination like a grizzled piece of meat I love that guy that's a fucking man ever since Goonies

that guy's fucking rocked I knew his daughter I thought it was cool yeah she worked at the Stanford yeah Eden she's the best she's so fucking cool super cool he was like he was in the double marvel thing where he was thanos but then

he was also the bad guy in uh deadpool yeah he was uh interesting there he is i had video i never met him for as long as i was friends with uh eden i never met him but eden used to watch my dog when i lived in la because we were friends she would would do me the favor. And one day I was somewhere and she was taking care of my dog. And she started sending me all these videos. And it was Josh Brolin playing with my dog. And I was like, fuck. The fucking dog is like making better connections than I am. You're like, Jesus.

He was at the stand once just hanging out. And I went up to him and I was like, hey. And I bombed horribly. And I was like, how about that show, huh? And he was like. him and i was like hey and i bombed horribly and i i was like how about that show huh and he was like get away from me wow i bombed horribly you fucked it with bro i tried i tried he gave me the the wave away it's funny because brolin's not anyone we any of us dream about talking to but when he's there he's like oh cool oh yeah he's awesome man yeah dude that was that one banging. banging Streisand. Yeah, he was dead married to Streisand. James Brolin.

I could have said married instead of banging. That would have been nicer. Amityville Horror, James Brolin. I mean, that's a legend. Dude,

look up James Brolin's hair now. It's insane. Great hair. What's it called? I was there one night. Terrible crowd. Oh, my God.

In the back of the room. Edie Falco. Whoa. Oh, wow. I went on stage, had a decent set, but the one who was carrying it was Edie Falco. Whoa. Oh, wow. I went on stage, had a decent set, but the one who was carrying it

was Edie Falco. Whoa. She was like, yeah, she was like really laughing. I was like, that lady is awesome. She gets it. She gets like what we're all

fucking going through right now. I mean, it was a rough fucking crowd. That's the only person, when you see her in the crowd, that's like, that's the only person I care about. Isn't it funny when you see one celebrity in the crowd?

Venus Williams was in the audience once at the Village Underground, and everybody was looking to their left the whole time. Of course. Is she laughing? Was she having fun? She was having a blast. Venus Williams was? Wow.

Robin Compton. That's awesome. Like Snoop. Look at Josh Brolin. He looks like Alan Havey. Look at that hair, dude. You know me, that hair is not insane. He only got Barbara Streisand because he looks like Alan Havey. Look at that hair, dude. That hair is not insane. He only got Barbra Streisand because he looks like he has a good 401k.

Barbra looks like Ron Perlman. I love when people try to tell you a young Barbra Streisand was hot. You're like, fuck you. She was hot. She had clear skin. That's it. She looked like a fucking big nose honker. I love the nose.

I love the eyes. What the fuck? This is the one clip that's going to get pulled from this podcast. Look at that. Ari Cohen, Barbra Streisand a fucking big nose honker. I love the nose. I love the eyes. What the fuck? This is the one clip that's going to get pulled from this podcast. Look at that. Ari calling Barbra Streisand a big nose honker. Look at that. God damn it. She's pointing where she's headed.

She does look like Ari. In Ari's defense, she looks like Ari. That's a good point. Guess what? She does. I would fuck a young Ari Shafir. He had a career. How weird is this?

How fucking weird is this? Same thing I would say if I fucked Barbra Streisand. This is not happening i've heard i remember i asked eden once about it i was like eden it's kind of weird like i just realized this your grandmom is kind of barbara streisand and i was like i know she's not like you're like by blood grandma but she's like your grandma by marriage and i was like is that weird and she's like well you know it's me she's just barbara and i was like yes like she's even as many famous people as we've all met you can't wrap your head i can't wrap my head around of course who's the weirdest person in the crowd where you're like fuck this messed me up uh i had the lady from csi in the crowd what's her name you know her the CSI gal

she's kind of milfy she's older she's pretty Abby Crutchfield no that's a comedian the lesbian one CSI lady CSI where

Susan Sarandon that's her the first one. What's her name? Marge. Marge Helgenberger. Oh, I thought she was more famous. Elizabeth Shue? Marge Helgenberger.

Elizabeth Shue, dude. I wouldn't even know who that lady was if I met her. I saw her and she was glowing. She was in the crowd at John Franklin's, Joe Franklin's. Oh, man. Remember that? Fucking disaster of a show? That's a bad pick.

Give me a good pick. She's clearly attractive. We have one night in the belly room. You've done 400,000 shows. This is your name? Okay, well, I did the Patrice benefit, and Adam Driver was in the front row. Was he laughing? Yeah, he was awesome.

One night in the belly room, Jon Bon Jovi was there with a guy from True Crime. What's his name? True Detective? The main one. McConaughey. What? McConaughey. McConaughey.

McConaughey was bombed, heckling everybody. We'd all finish our sets. But like fun or no? Not fun. Okay. Go to the green room. John Bon Jovi would come back and go, I'm really sorry for my friend. I really apologize.

One after another, he would come out and apologize for McConaughey. Wow. For being bombed. I fucking bombed. This is my worst one. I bombed at the Boston Comedy Club in front of Inspector Deck from Wu-Tang Clan. And he's my favorite Wu-Tang member. That's your favorite?

Is he your favorite? I turned to him in the middle. You contrarian fuck, Joe. No, I love Inspector Deck. He's awesome. He is. He's awesome. Joe will always be like, what's a non-obvious choice?

No, no. Inspector Deck is awesome. And we'll go verse for verse later. RZA, JZA, Ghostface, that's who you go with? Deck, in my opinion, buries everybody. The only comparable. I love the entire Wu-Tang Clan. I'm not shitting on anybody.

Totally. The only comparable lyricist to Wu-Tang is Method Man. To Deck. In my opinion. Maybe I don't know enough about him. Joe likes the new Star Wars more than the old Star Wars. Deck is triumph. I bomb atomically.

That's the most famous Wu-Tang verse ever. Oh, that's him? Yeah, that's Inspector Deck. Anyway, he was in the crowd. I was bombing so fucking bad. Oh, this is very familiar. Yeah. No, you know all the songs from Wu-Tang.

This is the big one. M-E-T-H-O-D is the big one. This is pretty hard, though. Yeah. All right, cut it. We got to pay for royalty. I was bombing so bad that I turned him in the middle of my set, and I go,

Deck, I don't know what to tell you, man. Wow. And he left, I believe, during my set. He goes he goes this guy's gonna talk to me afterwards i don't want to be here yeah good save shit damn oh dang that's crazy yikes hey guys where can people get these shirts we might be drunk pod.com you got that right and we got the glasses you like dude i remember i was in tampa once middling and it's years ago and side splitters yeah and chris jericho is in the crowd no wrestler isn't anyone killed his wife no it's chris benoit that would have been a better story he was the man that would have been a much

better story sam was like do something about your life this motherfucker's gonna kill his wife or some shit he's got bad energy no uh no uh chris been uh chris jericho was hammered and years later he did my msg show he's cool as fuck really nice guy but he was wrecked during the show and i was like he's gonna fucking ruin my set like i think he's gonna he's so drunk he's laughing so loud that it's like i'm like i can't not address this But I don't want to address it because I'm a fan. This is weird. Right. And I got off just as it was about to turn.

And I was like, thank God. Who headlined? A guy named Tim Wilkins. Wait, I've heard of him. Really good dude. It was so many years ago. He crushed. I mean, it was like. He's one of those road headliners.

Road headliner. BC room headliners. And you're like happy to feature for them. Murder. Yeah, feature for them. And then awesome. I remember I was staying staying in the condo he would like come by to check on me he would just be like how are you he was hanging he was an awesome guy and uh he's tim wilkins yeah and he uh yeah and i remember getting off being like thank fucking god yeah and he he was he kind of came out at the end just stumbling. It was cool as fuck.

Oh, there he is. I don't know. Is that him? Yeah, that's him. Oh, wow. It's amazing those B-level headliners that were like pretty much all really cool. Oh, he was awesome. They might have a bit of an alcohol problem.

I don't think he drank. I think it was just, you know. But like they were all pretty fucking respectful and like, hey, let me give you a little bit of advice. But otherwise, do your own thing. Yeah. He told me a great story actually i remember he told me uh he opened for giraldo many years ago jim giraldo or greg greg okay greg giraldo rivera he featured for giraldo rivera and he said giraldo just tours act apart and it fucking made him go the made him like work his ass like man it was like the best thing anyone ever did for me. And you're like, man, it's crazy.

The hazing back. I don't even want to call it hazing. But I remember Jesse Joyce telling me a story about one time Geraldo goes, what's up with your shoe? Let me see your shoe. And they were on the balcony of a hotel. And Geraldo just threw it over the balcony. And Jesse was like, all right.

And it landed in the pool. And it's like, I'm the opener. That's what you do. It's so funny because this is funny. It's like, but actually, I have no way to get home now. Yeah, there's a lot of that. the pool and it's like i'm the opener that's what you do it's so funny because like this is funny it's like but i actually have no way to get home now yeah it's funny and but that yeah and that's also it's funny but now i have to go to the airport with one shoe yeah if you do that joke to somebody you have to be like i'm gonna buy a new let me buy you this right now yeah like that's that's a real like come on dude it's my fucking even the slapping that this is a very new york thing is slapping the food out of someone's

hand on the floor that was big it's big but also it's like fuck but it's like oh if you can't afford a slice of pizza like here's five bucks go get it yourself bitch but it's at least like i'm out of money i would never do it to a young kid that couldn't afford it i would only do it to like like a friend or like me you wouldn't have to give me the money with a young guy you'd have to get i would only do it to a close personal friend right i would only run there i would only run there night could you i mean do it like i did it to vos in austin and i was and he we were both laughing so fucking hard you know what i mean like it's funny yeah where you're fine i remember bobby just stuck i forgot who it was he just took his finger and stuck it in their

drink and i was like it's so fucking so patricia at the jason andor's we went to Jay's christening at the comic strip. Classy guy. Who's christening? To Isabella's christening at the comic strip. Jay got his kid ordained by God? At the comic strip. Oh, my God. I heard he got bumped by Seinfeld. Hold on, 10 minutes more.

He got bumped by Seinfeld's abortion. He's Jewish. No, but he – so we all went and Jason Andoros took out the last piece of cake. And Patrice – and it was free cake. Like who cares? But Patrice goes, is this your cake? Is that good? And stuck his finger down into it.

And Jason Andoros was so mad he was going to hit Patrice. That's the best. He was so mad. I was like, Jason, it's like free baptism cake. If you're mad enough to strike someone, you've done the right thing. It's pretty soul crushing. I was at Moon Tower years

ago, maybe South by, and I was looking at my notes. I had all my jokes and Bobby Kelly swatted them all. They all went scattered. I was like, fuck. This sucks. Older comic. Can't do shit. At least Bobby you're friendly, at least Bobby you're friendly with.

I had a guy do that to me once who I like, it was like a comic I didn't really respect and I wasn't close to and he just smacked the notes out of my hands. I was like, I don't even know you, dude. You gotta know where you are with the relationship to Ball Bust.

I, in LA, when I first moved to LA and man, he got like legitimately mad at me. I was at a party at ucb for something and i was talking to kamal nanjiani it was before he was famous and uh he was a fun guy he drank yeah and uh he had a book he had like a notebook with him like a little notebook i guess he was doing a set earlier and i go hey can i see that and he handed it to me and i threw it across the room and he goes he goes go pick that up right now i love the line of this thing dude he got dead serious and he goes go pick that up right and i go no and he goes go

i go i'm not picking it up that's the joke i'm gonna fuck you i'm not picking it up and a girl that worked at ucb like saw it happen and went over and grabbed it and came back and handed it to him and she turns to me and she goes real mature and walked away. I'm a comedian I'm not mature and I was like guys it was a joke like Jesus Christ and he was like legitimately like mad at me for it

get on all fours and get it with your mouth Joe. In my cast in Pakistan that is the biggest insult you can do. That's hilarious. Joe is also one of those. I thought Kumail's stand-up was really funny. He is. He's hilarious.

And he was a fun guy to drink. I'm not snogging him as a dude, but he's a real man. And he is the guy to go to on advice for steroid use. He is shredded. If you need to know what itid use. He shreds. He shreds. This looks insane. If you need to know what it's like to be in a Marvel movie or how to take steroids, he is your guy. I love when he showed his new body.

He's like, listen, you got to be a dietician and work out. I'm like, and? Some people just don't fuck with that. I saw Ted Alexandra once when I was brand new. I was at the cellar eating, and I saw Ted sitting next to Patrice and a couple other guys, and he was wearing a weird sweater, and they all went to town on his sweater, and he goes, eh, and he got up and changed seats. He didn't like it.

I didn't know we could do that. I didn't know that was part of it. Opt out. Opt out and move. At least, here's the thing. At least Ted, though, just was like, eh like that's not for me yeah he go he didn't go ballistic i had uh i had i don't want to name names because i like the guy but a guy harvey weinstein we were making we were at it i was at a table with keith and norton and and

there was another it was at the cellar and then there was another table of comics who all worked there and me and keith were like making fun of their table and i very loudly was like ah your table stinks this is the better you know whatever dumb stupid shit yeah and this comic um got up to go do his set and leaned into my ear on the way downstairs and goes you feel like a fucking big man now it's all your fucking comedy friends because you'll do anything to be liked right you'll do anything to be fucking like walked upstairs and i was like what the fuck dude and then he came up to me later and he's like dude i'm sorry about that i was just i'm not in a good mood and i was like yeah no shit dude like wow comics do that a

lot a lot of comics i've had a lot of comics lose their shit on me and then the next day be like that was really uncool and I'm like yeah thank god I'm in therapy and I'm not fucking crazy like you too or we would have been fucking throwing fists it is the best when a comic goes to you and goes hey I was way out of line I'm sorry and you're like okay great it's over

thank god you caught that I didn't spill it I had a comic get in my face like a week ago and basically say let's fucking go. Let's fucking fight. I can't say his name. Wait, can we mute it? I'll say it after.

Just like you want to say yours, we'll say both after. Judy Gold wanted to fight me. Judy, let's fucking go. It's 50-50. It's 50-40 you'd win. I don't know. I'm going to flip it in her favor. I forgot so fast that I made a rule that I didn't want to say my name. I was like, who was it, Sam?

No, I don't want to throw his name under the bus. But it was literally a week ago, and he was like, let's fucking. He got in my face. He was like, let's fucking go. And I was like, wow, am I going to have to fight this? I'm going to get my ass kicked. This sucks. By the way, the guy that does that is never the guy you think it's going to be.

No. You would think in your head, you'd go, Luis Gomez. And it's like, no, it wasn't Luis. No, Luis is holding you. Luis actually laughed really hard. Luis is protecting you. Yeah. No, no.

I mean, I remember one time Mark and I were at CB's and some guy's screaming at Mark. Mark is, we're all bombing. Mark is kind of, remember that? Yeah, of course. And Mark can't get shit because the crowd's horrible and one guy keeps heckling him and Lewis gets

in the guy's face and goes pussy pussy and the guy's like ah and Lewis goes you and me

outside right now and he drags the guy outside in front of his girlfriend and he goes pussy and the guy's like ah

and he goes you fucking bitch he just humiliates him in front of him and I was kind of like I'm really glad that guy's on our side you gotta love that you have an entire guy on your side at all times.

That's amazing. But anyway, this guy gets in my face. He's trying to fight. And I'm just like, hey, man, let's calm down. It's not a big deal. And he was like, it is a big fucking deal. We go outside. I have to wait.

And I'm like, let's talk it out. And after like 20 minutes, he goes, I was way out of line. You're right. That's good. That's rare. It's so big to be able to say that. I was wrong. I'm you're right that's good that's rare it's so big to be able to say that I was wrong and I'm sorry that's big I got off stage once this is a work environment this isn't the fucking hood

I know exactly it was Joe Mackey wasn't it Joe Mackey dude I was sitting on my camera once to film my set I had to make a tape for somebody and Steve Byrne was on stage I'm only saying this because he handled it right but like I was Steve Byrne yeah Steve Byrne great guy I Steve Byrne, great guy. I love Steve. Level-headed guy, sweet guy. Yeah.

And I was like setting it, and I was like, alright, let me press record. Waiting for him to finish. He already has the light. And then he gets off. He's like, who the fuck is filming me? And he grabs my camera like, it's me! I'm on next! I'm on next! He goes, I would never do that to you! I wouldn't! I'm not doing anything! I'm sitting at my camera! And then like, I did my set, couldn't

tape it, and then afterwards he goes, hey man, I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know why you said that. Yeah. Immediately ready to be like, I'm sorry. I thought it was something other than it was. You're like, well, I really regret you posting this meltdown of yours a second ago. You came off crazy. Comedians might be a little unhinged.

A little irrational. As long as they come to the conclusion later and you're like, hey, just watch it next time. Give it a minute before you swing on me next time. We're friends. That's the thing I had to tell this guy. I was like, you consider me your friend? He goes, yeah. I was like, then don't try to fucking fight me. I saw Rogan do this

once. Somebody goes, hey, Doug Stanhope has the same bit as you. I think he stole it. Joe just goes, no. Well, I think he goes, no. He's like, you're not going to convince me Doug Stano is suddenly a thief. No. Because that's what they want.

They want you to get worked up and go fight somebody. Because I don't know the situation. You're wrong. Oh, yeah. Gross. By the way, it's like there's a million fucking, we're all going to land on the same shit sometimes. Let's not fight.

I know. A week after the chris rocks left yeah they baited they love they're like we're action figures and i had somebody tweeted like hey hannibal norman's talking shit because i got drunk with hannibal we i told a story about it and he listened to it and he was like shut up fuck you and i was like thank god he listened dude it's yeah i just outright go nah yeah the way these dumb dicks that that do nothing except write to people on the internet they don't want to start shit yeah try to start shit they don't create anything they just listen

and and try to start shit yeah they're they're seems like maybe theft has happened here it's like it sounds like a conspiracy theorist trying to connect dots like it's like i know this is the problem is they never retract they never retract retract. I had a guy go, you stole this joke from Mulaney. And I'm like, I don't know. Maybe it's he's got a similar joke. And I looked it up. Mine was from 2011. His was 2015.

So I write him that and he never wrote back. Yeah. How about you go? Hey, you're not a thief. Adrian had one like you stole some Bobby. Bobby Lee have a podcast. And she's like, well, mine was on the David Letterman show, which is not around anymore.

So it was nine years before this. So you think I stole it. So now go accuse him. I heard Bobby Lee did his on Tom Snyder. That was a fucking lost show. I got into it. I am embarrassed that I even responded, but I got into it with a guy this morning. This morning? You can't do it. You can't do it. I am embarrassed that I even responded, but I got into it with a guy this morning.

This morning? You can't do it. You can't do it. I woke up. Yeah, I woke up, and I was just making coffee and looking at my phone, and I see this tweet, and the guy's like, can somebody please replace DeRosa on Taste Buds? What?

It's your show. I know. He doesn't know. You guys are gold together thank you it's a great show thank you it's thank you perfect pairing thank you and he's like he's like he doesn't understand when he's being an asshole to everybody like whatever but he listens yeah and i wrote back and i was just like i just at first i was a dick and i was just like you don't get it it's above your head like there's plenty of lowbrow entertainment out there for you whatever and then he's like you're a fucking hack like wow and then i wrote back and

i go listen man i'm paraphrasing but i go listen i'm actually gonna try to talk to you as a human being right now that's fun why do you listen to a show that you hate 50 of it doesn't make any sense i just don't understand i'm really asking you why this is self torture and i go it would be like watching the marvel movies just for the thor scenes if you but you hate the avengers i was like there are other avenues to get yourself fixed that's my point a lot of it right and uh and he was like you oh joe i'm not talking about your show simple joe you're so dumb i'm talking about you you fucking hack and i go no dude i'm trying to talk to you like a human being right now the problem

is you can't i mean the problem is and then well exactly these people have too much access to you where it's like back in the day you would just hate a guy and just be like that i don't like that guy now it's like hey i don't like you and we're like oh why don't you we can't even entertain that so exactly and then like i have a bit i have a bit about this and then in my new hour and i i finally just said to him like i just go you know what dude i tried to talk to you like a person i go you have borderline personality disorder there's something wrong with you like you should try to talk diagnosing your followers yeah i go there's something wrong with you that you feel the need to to talk to somebody. You're diagnosing your followers. Yeah, I go, there's something wrong with you that you feel the need to be mean like this. Yeah.

That you get enjoyment out of it. They are, they're lunatics. This is what it's called. You should find help. I hope you happiness or whatever. And he's like, oh, simple Joe, you fucking hacked it. And I go, no, dude, I'm serious. Like, I hope you find joy in your life.

Like, there's something wrong with you. Yeah. And then he kept doing it. And I go, look, dude. He's not going to let go. He's not going to go like, well. You're just like, yeah. And you're just like,'s something wrong with you. Yeah, and then he kept doing and I go look You're just like yeah, and you're just like what in the fuck is wrong? Like I'm like, I just finally I go I've spent too much of my time on this dude I'll see you later like yeah, but it's so not it's this way This is why Metzger said he like prefers Facebook over Twitter because it goes on Twitter you write a joke

Someone else comes in and goes Hey, you suck whatever he goes spatially. They're equal you write a tweet someone else comes in and goes um hey you suck whatever he goes spatially they're equal you write a tweet he writes a tweet he goes on facebook you write a tweet and then they have this itty bitty little line at the bottom which is way smaller because that's where you belong right you're nothing compared to the fucking artist who's doing it right that's why like sam murill it's true no names but plenty of times at the back table, Sam Morrill, drunk or not, will go, hey, I don't like you.

Go away. You're not doing it online. You're doing it man to man. I love that you did. I didn't know you did that. I love that. Occasionally. Occasionally. Very rarely.

Someone's got to be horrible. And folks, this is to the booker. No, that's awesome that you do that seriously it's very rare you gotta really you gotta really push me but then they go online and blah blah blah go away get the fuck away from me and you just can't you know you can't respond to people you can't you just i never look i never look at the i really if i look i looked at the simon rex comments on that episode because every comment every message i got was like my i love this episode so like all right let me look so i looked at those comments they were so positive i almost never look at comments well with the simon simon did this episode and people loved it everyone

loved it he seems to get really i love him he's a mensch and he's like he's got amazing stories and he just he also listens to this so he just came with like he was like so prepared he killed it but so much better than you guys i rarely i rarely look at comment comments or not because if they're good you don't believe them and if they're bad they make you feel bad so it's bad so that's the problem is like the good ones you're like well that. And if they're bad, they make you feel bad. No, it's bad. So that's the problem is like the good ones, you're like, well, that's not real. And the bad ones bring you down. Jay said it the best. He goes, the comments are people who are like Stern comments.

He goes, they're for Stern. They're going to watch every episode. And they go, I hated this episode. They're not hoping Stern watches this. They're just talking to each other. They're fans. They're watching every episode. And the people who like it aren't writing right no one's like i love this yeah i love this uh this episode

whatever they just they just go i hate this and then move on they're not the good guys aren't writing yeah and also like guess what man it's a free show you're gonna like some episodes you're not gonna like others we're doing our best we want this to be a show that people like yeah that's why i like the edinburgh free fringe that people like. Yeah, that's why I like the Edinburgh Free Fringe. Because people are like, this sucks. They're like, just leave. You've paid nothing. Take off. Yeah.

And it's the same to a podcast. It's like, I've said that to certain fans where they bitch. I go, oh, I'm sorry that we're giving you free entertainment every week. Go fuck off. Yeah, I wish I could be like, you don't get to watch this anymore. Too many ads. It's free. You fucking twat.

Go pay five bucks a month for peacock motherfucker yeah like fuck off man the all you're hearing now online is you can affect comedians if you write if you message everyone message joe simple joe right now oh simple joe i was drunk when i wrote that simple joe Oh, Simple Joe. I was drunk when I wrote that. Simple Joe. I am Simple.

A drop in from Simple Joe. Well, we're all obsessed with reaction. That's our whole job as stand-ups. To hear laughs. To hear laughs, hear a groan, see where we're at, see what we do. It's all feedback. So comments, they throw us off. I agree with that. throw us off i i i agree with that uh but i would say my new stance in all this is i'm tired of feeling afraid let's be let's all be honest no but none of us are people

none of us are not reacting to trolls because we want to be the bigger man we're all not reacting to trolls because of a fear of what it will what it will bite us in the ass with so you interact also you unlock that once you unlock that door you're it's a whole world of mayhem it's not good but my point is and that's my well it's that's part of my point it's part of it is every troll is amber heard it'll feel good to trash them for a second but then in the end you're like i should not but here's the thing it's not even trashing them it's just it doesn't have to be at least right it's any interaction where i don't agree with you the troll mentality

is i'm going to go harder now yeah so eventually it's going to lead back to fake review bombings or whatever the fuck it is to hurt you in any way they can that is where it will end up and i'm just quite frankly tired of living in fear of a taste buzz anthrax package you know like yeah i'm like tired of it i'm tired of being i'm tired of going well god forbid i speak my mind about this because that group of fans then will come after me and do this to me right or these people will get my personal information and post it or these people i have an album coming out and they'll ruin the reviews or whatever the fuck it is i'm tired of living in some marginal fear of what these fucking animals on the internet

will do where it suddenly takes away basic decency and human interaction if If anyone, and I'm not being cliche. I hope I'm not at least. If somebody says to you, if somebody said any of these things to you in public, you would never just walk away. You would say, hey, man, why are you saying that right now? Like, no, no, no. Let's talk about this. You're trying to reason with. But there aren't that many lunatics out there.

Based on what you're seeing on the internet. Do you see what I'm saying? You never would encounter that many lunatics out there. Based on what you're seeing on the internet, do you see what I'm saying? You never would encounter that many lunatics ever in a day. Have you been on the one train lately? I'll tell you this. I am a troll, and I enjoy trolling. But at least you admit to being a troll. These people think they're normal.

No, they know they're trolls. I disagree. They know they're trolls. The point is to get a reaction from you, so it doesn't matter what I say. If's like what do you what do you wear about your glasses i'll make sure the glasses oh that's not that's a non-starter your pants site that's not working hey i hate egypt that's not working curly hair is dumb until i get something to fucking get a problem with every one of those things yeah no it's something out of you i don't care because

i'm a troll i'm just trying to rise but your thing is your thing is is i'm gonna make outlandish jokes that piss off people that are being way too sensitive yeah and you're not gonna make them at anybody you're just gonna make them publicly and watch people just react yeah there's a big difference that's not what i'm talking about there's a big difference you're i'm talking about people that seek you out to say things personally to you that are in a certain way personal and we have to play this whole game of be the bigger man don't respond if they if you respond they're getting to you how many times will you write something back to a troll and they'll go bro all i care about is i got you to respond fuck you and

you're like you're like no dude like i had i'm just so sick of it i'm just so sick of it after all that kobe stuff that everyone's coming at me like death threats and shit and i had fun with it i was like at some point like well i know this is happening so i wrote to my friends i was like hey if you guys got a stand-up clip the eyes are on my instagram we can get some eyeballs that's smart yeah and so michelle gave me one i probably a couple of you guys gave me one monroe martin was one of the guys who's like gave me a clip so i put it up and people were calling him i mean really dark racist really because in defense of kobe in defense of kobe yeah calling him a coon like old style shit amazing and monroe's like he didn't have a dad so

he's his own dad so he's like like, hey, let's meet up. Let's fucking fight if you want to fight. And they're like, oh, I didn't mean it like that. Monroe didn't take it at all. I remember right after Ari did that, we were leaving the stand. I was like, oh, I'll go to the cell with you. I was like, taxi? Yeah. Taxi?

I'm not taking this walk with Ari. It was right when I moved back to New York. And I remember walking around with Ari. Because we lived in the same neighborhood we lived like two blocks from each other. So I hung out with Ari a lot right after that happened and I remember every

time somebody would come up to me like are you Ari Shafir? I'd be like oh shit. And then they always were like I love your stuff and it's like whew. Yeah in person it's always I love your stuff or bird is fat. It's never anything bad, in person, it's always, I love your stuff or bird is fat. It's never anything bad. There you go.

Oh, simple, Joe. I don't have any problem with that. But I mean, am I making, I don't know if I'm making sense. You can't talk to them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. You talk to them because you think they're normal and then they're not normal. I was like, oh, my bad.

You got me. Congrats. But you got to think like the way I'll make a joke about Amber Heard or Elon Musk or Trump or whatever. They think they're doing that to us. This is like oh what are you gonna tell you drink too much his liver's oh simple joe your liver's fucked oh shit but you gotta remember you're you had a tv show you're on uh whatever you know youtube like you got a million views they think they're just talking to a celebrity or something they think they're just talking To a celebrity or something

They think they're talking to a web designer They don't really think they're actually talking to you until you respond Like oh shit but like imagine all the jokes We made about Biden or Johnny Depp or whatever or Will Smith It'd be great if Biden really responded Yeah what if Amber Heard wrote back Like hey that's actually really hurtful I'm like oh

Yes And they think that about us. It's an abstract idea. They don't think we're going to write back. Yeah. But we're fucking comedian retard drunks. So, yeah. Ari, would any of you roll the dice and sleep with Amber Heard? Yes. For sure.

Of course. She's clearly a good pussy. What are you kidding? Clearly got great fucking sex game. I think we're all in agreement here. Yeah. I mean, do it for the story. It's not even a roll of the dice.

It will be the top five sex game ever. Cut to four years later. Cut to four years later. Cut to four years later. Oh, Sambalari. You fucked Amber Heard and she ruined your life. Hoping she does OnlyFans to pay the legal bills. Really? That would be fun.

Imagine afterwards. We're like, what did you think was going to happen? She wasn't going to go off to the young court? Like, I don't know. She blew me so well. Yeah. It's tough. I mean, she's a good looking lady.

She's not that hot. Really? She's hot. She's attractive, yeah. She's tough. She's a good-looking lady. She's not that hot. Really? She's hot. She's attractive, yeah. She's not like, oh, my God. Which was the worst decision, that or Mordecai for Johnny Depp? What do you think? What?

Maybe Secret Window. Yeah, she's like good-looking. That was a Polanski film. Really? Johnny Depp annoys me. Honestly, he was slumming when he was with her. Come on. Yep.

She's fine. She's got a track record. She's got quite a list of dudes. Who else? Elon Musk. No way. She fucked Musk? Oh, yeah.

For a while. I think DiCaprio. I'm looking at James Franco here. Oh, Franco. That's who I'm thinking. Wow. He's got a girlfriend. He got in trouble, too.

No one understands what actresses are they're just fucking everybody sure elon musk that after something that toxic he had to buy twitter he had to stop people talking shit about him right right oh there they are look at that wow wow she's a small lady oh they all all the actresses are tiny i feel like well uma thurman's i think six one top cru is five there's like rogan oh yeah i guess nicole kidman also tall tall tall cup and what australians should we do the rest of the news stories now or no yeah what else oh yeah the ones you sent me were funny yeah we got i mean why don't we do bit oh here's a good one brazil police find over three million dollars worth of

nazi memorabilia in pedophiles homes. This is great. While the suspect was already being arrested on child rape charges, he is now facing additional counts of racial discrimination and illegal possession of firearms. I like how this was not a story but for just fucking children. And they're like, oh, he's got

Nazi memorabilia? Oh, this is real. Also, who does the appraising of Nazi memorabilia? Oh, this is real. Also, who does the appraising of Nazi memorabilia? This is three million worth. This isn't just your- It's the worst episode of Pawn Stars ever. Yeah, it's the auction house going, say it's three million, not one.

Can you imagine- Why should we suffer? Your boyfriend is a Nazi and it gets worse. He's a pedophile. I mean, I feel bad for Kumia, but... He's right around here. Damn. What's the deal with Nazi memorabilia?

The Nazis went to South America. Argentina. Argentina. Oh, wait. The boys from Brazil. Was that that? Close enough. Argentina, as I was.

I'm sure they branched. Yeah. I played for the Argentinian Jewish League volleyball team. They canceled when I was in Israel. And it was like could somebody form an argentina team and we did and they chanted for us because we didn't know what we were doing like argentina do you guys want to do bits instead no no no fuck off salacuse come back to the news. This is Nazi stuff. All right, we got one more. This is good stuff. Scientists just found that several anti-5G products meant to protect people from cell networks emit dangerous radiation. Ooh.

You got to love that. You got to love someone who goes out of their way to protect themselves, something that we all do, eats it in the end. Yes. The items, which include necklaces and sleep masks, emit low levels of ion radiation. They can be dangerous if worn consistently and permanently damage the tissue and the DNA. How about that? It's like an airbag that kills you. It's not supposed to happen. Right.

It's like it'll stop you from a crash, but it's got asbestos in it. Damn. Heavy asbestos. Do you guys rock sleep masks ever? Planes once in a while. I love them. They do the job. Blocks out the light

it's great i feel like you're being hugged like an autistic person i love it in it yeah my dog i used to have a chihuahua and it was the most annoying dog and you put a a little thing on its chest it's called a thunder jacket thunder jacket you know about it yeah and they were just gets one they love it's a hug it's a nonstop hug. It's a hug. Instead of barking, they would go, duh. Yeah, exactly. 37 jelly beans. I think that might be it for the news. No, there was another one. Mug shot?

No. You sent me some. I had two. We went to a few before you got here, Ari. Oh, the Rikers. Oh, there's a whole new set of news stories that Matt sent us. Should the Rikers admit you? Yeah, well, what do you got on that?

I mean, I love cheating to get ahead. stories that matt sent us should the mic was in mate yeah well what do you got on that i mean i love cheating to get ahead i would listen chael sonnen won a fight against somebody and he he held on to the cage as a guy was trying to lift him up then he was like well you should have been deducted point and he said if you ain't cheating you ain't trying damn this guy is getting his rapes in he's getting it in no matter what and he goes i'll say i'm a girl i'm a girl whatever it takes and the swimmer good luck to you too leah thomas sure you're winning fucking medals you're gonna do that as a fucking dude i don't know we need to compare leah thomas to this guy they're both the top of the game at penn state it's right there your second best this woman

whatever no one's gonna care i said guy for that one It's a rapist. Matt, did you send him the other news stories? Yeah, Salke, you should have gotten some other news stories. Oh, I don't... Did you send a new one, Matt? There it is. From Shakalaka. Thanks, Peters. Let's see what we got. Florida Bride and her caterer?

Yep. Allegedly served cannabis-laced food to unknown guests. Several of the unwitting guests became so stoned they had to be hospitalized. Damn. Listen. Dosing. I'm not against dosing. Because that's usually

the only way to get some people there. You gotta go against their will. It's fine. It's just weed. Or it's just Molly or something. People are hospitalized. No. The mistake they made let's just like i made a mistake people eat a lot of weddings ari i made a mistake with bert i didn't get his wife too and i made this guy once they started calling the cops at that point he goes guys guys you're on weed you're he should have just told them you're on weed we've all we've

all done it mark and i are not potheads so we've taken it and we've been like what the fuck Oh dude It feels like it's never going to end The edible is a different ball game It's a 6 hour to 12 hour trip I wouldn't need to be hospitalized But I'd have to go home and rethink some things Kim Congdon got me at Skankfest

I saw that on acid And I It's not like I haven't done acid where i'm on a fucking dork but like i was fucked up on acid and i opened up my hotel room they put me in and it was a fucking view of downtown houston and i opened up the windows floor to ceiling i got all my bedspreads brought it over to the window wow i just chilled for like five hours just staring at the city damn it was great but i couldn't hang out with everybody. Negative, positive. It was a fucking great vibe. You made the most of it. Thank you.

There you go. See, you've been dosed and you've dosed. It's true. What's good for the goose is good for the anal. Alright. Alright. A man allegedly threatened to bomb the Merriam-Webster offices over the dictionary definitions of girl and woman. You know what's good about this story? It could either be

a conservative or a liberal. It could go either way. you're right that's true well you're like is this a dude who was like a woman is born a woman or it could be a guy who's like how dare you say it's a woman how dare you try to define what a woman is without it really is it signifies who we are now it's not just like i'm against it but like i'll threaten to bomb you over I don't agree with you over words. Well, which one is it? Can we figure that out? What is it?

Is it a blue haired lady or is it a guy in a golf shirt? It says the bottom. This new Batman movie is going to have a really shitty villain if Joker is like

you guys need to why did I bomb the hospital? Because you guys aren't up to date on gender identity. Okay. Cis cucks. Right, right.

Here's what I said. Mammals with a deficit of female include of relating to or being the sex that typically has a capacity to bear young or produce eggs and having gender identity that is the opposite of male. Again, could go either way at this point. No, no. It could be right or...

Which one is it? I think it's a psycho lefty here. Could be the other way. It's California. It could be either. It's got to be. True. Couldn't it be like, no, it's not typically having a gender identity that is the opposite

of male. It's a chick. I'm guessing psycho lefty, but I didn't read this article. I'm guessing psycho lefty. Which one is it, Matt? One photo and we'd figure it out. Yeah. Hey, Peters, do we know?

All right. It's going to be a lady who looks like Matt Peters. That's my guess. Yeah. Which you don't want to see. Oh, Simple Joe. Good to have you back, man. Are we going to call this episode Simple Joe Bourbons?

There you go. We got to do gotta do a patreon stuff oh that's right three in a day it's it's a full-time anal oh my god god damn you got a photo sali oh yeah no let's just do this last story it's too good oh this is so good i read this earlier take it jojo that's the crime to the midget oh mugshot black dj accused of wearing blackface as the arizona pta event by woke education leaders says he was horrified to learn of their complaints and initially thought it was a joke so he did like a 70s throwback dj thing and he wore a wig and they accused him of putting on blackface turns out he's a black guy how can you be blackface if you're not even talking about the face we gotta make sure joe is a mic too oh joe needs a mic here switch back why that's the point they thought he was being

racist and where like a white guy so they thought his actual skin color because of the wig was yes interesting so if you're black you can do black do you see this is how headlines read by the way now like rambling children djq is a blackface wearing blackface by a woke person at an event because they got confused. It's like, what the fuck happened to succinct reporters? Yeah, it's like, hey, it turns out a bunch of losers were wrong. That's the story. Hey, losers wrong again. After the woman was corrected and saying, no, this is a black guy.

Let me guess what she didn't do. Go, oh, shit, I'm an idiot. She said, still, it's wrong. Still. guy. Let me guess what she didn't do. Go, oh, shit, I'm an idiot. She said, still, it's wrong. Still. What? Let me guess, white woman? Dude, all my amazing racist stuff, when I told people, like, this is fucking wrong,

what happens to Mexicans or whatever, it's like they have to go out of their way to work. I'm like, oh, those are actually all paid actors. We gave them 50 bucks each. We're actually giving money to the Latino community. It's a setup. And they go, still. Wait, still?

You thought I was delivering Mexicans to INS, and instead you think I'm doing a sketch, and you're equally angry? Not even like, well, a little less, I guess. You know who's jealous black people get to do blackface? It's Justin Trudeau. Yeah. You saw this, you're like, that looks pretty good.

Blackface with no repercussions. Must be nuts. That's her. And that's the blackface guy, and that's the complaint. And she said, can we see her quote? Like her reaction quote? Yeah, I'll look for it, sorry. It's crazy that they won't let go.

White people are getting mad at black people for blackface now. It's bad. The arrogance of the liberal white is incredible. The arrogance to go, still, instead of go, shit, I was really walking up the wrong tree on this one. Damn. I accused a black guy of putting on black makeup. Turns out I thought black skin was the same as black makeup.

I'm an idiot. No, that can't be. It's just, it's unreal. It's un-fucking-real. That's bad. We've gone to a backwards land. We should wrap up because we've got to do a Patreon. Yeah, yeah.

Wait, is wrap up like... We should end this. Oh, I thought you meant we all do a wrap. We all do. Yeah, we're all making wraps. Look at this. Let me be clear. A black man apparently in blackface is an entirely different discussion than a white person.

However, I did not state that the person was white. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. It was assumed that my intent and perhaps it was but nonetheless looking on his facebook page it seems at the very least he is in darker makeup if not he's not in any darker makeup down you say he put on darker make no lady that's it's not your place to say you stupid liberal white twit. God damn it. We got too much time on our hands.

We got to send this lady to a boot camp or a sweatshop. She looks like a fucking comedian who goes after fucking white dudes all the time. Easy there, big fella. I'm not going to do what it is. Plug some stuff. Taste buds. Skeptic tank. Taste buds. This comes out in a year and a half taste buds on youtube

and then of course our taping May 19th and 22nd in Houston Texas at the come and take it festival being held at the secret group in Houston Texas one show Thursday one show Sunday and then in between those shows on Friday and Saturday,

the 20th and 21st, I'll be at The Creek and Cave in Austin, Texas. All right, and Taste Buds is great. Mine is Joe. Taste Buds is great. Thank you. One of the worst guests of Taste Buds. I love the show. I can't stand Simple Joe on that show.

Yeah, I can't either. I'm so simple. I love you guys. Really, every clip is gold. It's a great show. It's great. Skeptic Tank, Ari Shaffir, I can't. So simple. I love you guys. Every clip is gold. It's a great show. That's great. Skeptic Tank, Ari Shaffir, love it. You're sweet.

That guy got a lot of air time, that troll of yours. You gave him a lot of air time. That's what they want. I know. I gotta get a new website. Look how much better yours looks. I just redid mine.

What are you kidding? This looks like a 1998... Squarespace. This is Squarespace? Yeah. Mine's Squarespace. What am i doing wrong uh you have lots of lack of education you're fighting with trolls look at mine angel fire what the fuck is that html angel fire i gotta redo my squarespace site what the hell is this

all right wait i gotta slow down be in jacksonville on may 12th to the 14th yeah i got one right here oh okay oh may 20th and 21st in kansas city and austin in may 24th to the 29th at my specialty 12th it'll be out in the summer hell yeah youtube uh we'll see i just shoot them first and then we figure that out i don't want to get distracted while i'm filming netflix is through the floor so we'll see what happens maybe i could buy them yeah all right all right website i'll be uh that's a beauty uh yeah gorge website you gotta make that bigger looks as good as your cock yeah you're doing denver for one night only you're not doing the fucking i'm at the paramount one night only the irvine improv uh keep going keep going addison

improv in dallas bricktown and okc one of the best clubs one of the best new clubs great love room love it uh laughing up in poughkeepsie one night only keep going keep going uh santa blanca june first first week you were just there i was just there chicago at the vic cleveland minnesota the night before me june 16th yes minneapolis come on out cago the vic the night before me june 17th irvine you gotta go faster come on there we go red bank new jersey houston improv all right laugh out loud in san an Antonio. Sammy the Bull. What do you got? I'm all over. Providence. I got Chicago taping a special at the Den.

Six shows. We're taping all of them. Beautiful. Beacon is sold out. When is the Beacon? Beacon. We passed that shit, dude. That was... Congratulations.

You already did it? No, but we're back. We're moving studios. This is a beautiful website, too. Toronto, thank you. I didn't do it. I had nothing to do with it. Toronto, fucking Houston, West Palm palm san jose all that shit y'all see around dania beach

love you guys fun room fun samorelle.com flash we might be drunk pod.com for merch patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod two special guests today yes and we had salamanca hell yeah looking good thanks boys google we love you let's suck dicks special guest today. And we had Salamanca. Hell yeah. Looking good. Thanks, boys. Google bitch. We love you. Suck dicks. Sunday's the day for my next bender.

A bit of Pivorec, you know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope. And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her

and I get down in the same way We might be true