We Might Be Drunk - Ep 8: Lemon Truly & Manhattan

Episode Date: February 1, 2021

Mark has a Lemon Truly and Sam drinks a Manhattan.    

One more drink, one more drink You know in the morning for sure we gon' stink One more round, one more round It's 5 a.m., you pricks, the barkeep frowned This is what we do, catch up for a few We'll riff and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two yeah look at you look like a little ski bunny out there i had to turn the heat off in order to

to not interfere with the audio here so i'm yeah i feel like little ski bunny out there I had to turn the heat off In order to not interfere with the audio here So yeah, I feel like a ski bunny Yeah, you look cute I like the puffer Is that a New York bar you got there? It's a Subway Inn is behind me It's an old New York classic It's a real dive

Many stories there As a young'un What was originally on Midtown? Originally on 59th and lex right by the subway stop but uh it's now i think it's on like york or something they had to move it oh wow we had a lot of weird nights in here and days yeah it gets my well that when you go that far east in manhattan it gets chickens you know Like, the streetlights aren't on

And the river's right there I used to make love to a woman Who lived on York And it felt like another borough It's so different over there It was cool, because Yeah, we'd get weird stories There were weird nights, remember one time the bartender

Just grabbed a friend of mine And just stuck his tongue down his throat And it wasn't even like a sexual thing. It was like, I own you. It was that type of vibe where we're like, holy shit. All right. Yes. And he worked there and he was a customer and he was like, I don't give a shit about you. Wait, it was a lady? No, it was two men. What? Oh, wow. Yes. Damn, that's crazy. I own you.

I don't know. That's a new one for me. It was a power move. There was a lot of power shit where we'd be hammered, and they'd be like, all right, free shot. I'm like, oh, I'll do whiskey. He's like, you don't get to choose. He would just dump tequila, put it in hot sauce, and he'd be like, take it, you pussy. I'd be like, all right.

All right, it's a free drink. I'll take it. For sure. Yeah, I was going to say, I thought it was a lady, and I remember when I was 18, 19, 20, there was a lot of cougary, milfy ladies who were so sexually aggressive that nobody talks about. They would be like, grab my tit, you pussy, and you're like, okay, okay.

I guess because they were so repressed with their limp husband or whatever that they would always, you know, like grab your ass or grab your dick. There's nothing here, bitch. And you're like, oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Susie. Did you ever have those? Of course. Or was that a New Orleans thing? No, it's an evidence.

Okay, like the smoking, you know, raspy voice, bad skin on the neck. You thought aggressive older woman was strictly like a Creole southern thing? I thought it was a voodoo queen. It's like New Orleans law. It only applies in fucking Louisiana. Yeah, I get it.

But man, yeah, there was a lot. And I dug it. I wasn't against it, but No, it's fucking hot. It was a thing, yeah. Just old birds with like a leather jacket on And bad jeans With rhinestones on the back Kind of trashy I used to have an old bit about a woman in a bar

She goes, I could be your mother And I was like, I'm pretty sure you're not My mom doesn't get hammered in dives on Tuesdays So I think we're safe Right, yeah So true, I mean if I saw my mom playing video poker At one of these New Orleans dive bars I'd kill myself

That's the saddest thing, she's got her own chair That's my stool, bitch She's got the quarters And the cigarette pack The American Spirits next to the gin and tonic Video poker is a perfect That's like a perfect that's like a line and so there's got to be like an all punch line there because it's so it's so perfect it's

such a fucking hilarious image yes or like what's the other one top golf or whatever you play the top flight or whatever top golf or uh i mean big bug hunter was the ultimate that's that's a fun one though that's a good That one's actually not sad Yeah it's kind of cool Topgolf was cool too but there was always the guy Who was too good at it you know and you're like You gotta get outside Go play a game of golf you need some sunlight

Just that It was too much How about were you ever into the drinking bar games Like would you get in a beer pong or like flip cup Or any of that shit Yeah I mean I lived in a house with five guys in college so it was like we had a pool room so it was just pool table then we turned into a beer pong table a ping pong table we'd play poker every monday uh we'd play like guts and kings and all these drinking games it was it was a while it's

funny tom tom mccaaffrey has that great joke About alcohol is the only drug you play games with No one's ever like Crack pong It's true It's something about those games Where I do kind of miss them Because they make you feel young again

But then you're like, oh yeah, I don't play this shit at this age For a reason You're drinking so much beer when you do that shit. It's so much. Do you ever do it with hard alcohol? I've done it before. It's a puke fest. It's always a mistake.

You don't think it's that much. You're like, yeah, well, it's just like a tiny thing. But then you're like, did I just drink six shots like that? It's crazy. This is next level dirtbag shit. But do you remember Power Hour? How did that go again? Every minute for an hour

You take a shot of beer Which, you're like, oh I can do this And then after like 17 minutes You're like, oh the minutes are flying by And just shooting beer You end up drinking like 12 beers in an hour I was never, yeah I was more of like a game guy Like Flip Cup, I wasn't really a Power Hour

Or we'd do like, if we were watching a show Or something, we'd turn it into a game guy like flip cup but i wasn't really a power hour or we do like if we're watching a show or something we turn into a game like every time he says this you've got to do a shot or whatever but i wasn't a power hour guy no it's bad news by the way you mentioned games drinking games with that people do that with this show somebody told me every time i do this they drink and every time you say you said said something like, baby, that's it, baby. They drink. So that was kind of flattering. That's awesome. I love that. I love this.

And, you know, and then I saw, we had a lot of tweets and stuff, people mentioning that, like, they're sober and they still love the show. And that, like, they appreciated us shouting out sober people because that is hard, especially this year, man. Holy shit. Yeah. I mean, we couldn't do it. We're not that strong no god that is you're right it's a strong thing it really is yeah i'll even try like i'm not gonna drink this week and then your friend's like oh you want a beer in the fridge you're like all right like it's that it's that easy to turn me it's so it's such a funny thing where like i remember old movies like casablanca i'd watch growing up and be like bogart that's a man you know internalizing his feelings and drinking himself to death in morocco

that's a real dude you know but then so true yeah i mean it was romantic it was romantic but then you get older and dealing with shit is actually more manly it's more difficult great point great point i mean like don draper and ernest hemingway you know the the rocks and the the whiskey it just looks so it almost looked classy and yet it's actually fucking a sad uh what do you call that uh uh vice yeah hemingway was a man though let's face it i mean he wrote like a man he was in the war He was such a manly dude I mean, holy shit And he killed himself

It is kind of a manly way to go Yeah, with a rifle, by the way Damn Pretty crazy That was one of my first jokes ever My English teacher said I was going to be like a young Hemingway And I was like, why? Because I'm a great writer?

She goes, no, you're an alcoholic who's going to kill himself That was one of my first That's a great dark joke uh david angel had that funny joke he's like you know uh ernest hemingway actually wrote in a moleskin he used moleskin you know and he's like i believe it because every time i pay for one i see the price i want to kill myself he had some great ones david angel is hilarious He lives by me We took a walk the other day He's a fun dude

Oh nice Talking about Just a comedy character Great writer Weird guy Funny voice The whole thing Man he's got a joke I love

He goes I went to private school And kids are always Beating me up for my brunch money He had another one I love He goes, yeah, when I was a kid We were broke, we had a black and white set So every time the Incredible Hulk

Got angry, I just thought he turned into an Italian Because, you know, Bruce Banner to Lou Ferrigno That's an older reference He's so funny And then to say Italian Not Italian Italian is so much funnier Yeah my cousin saw him at a show at UCB

And he was like Do you know this guy? He's so funny And I was like oh yeah It's like very up his alley Kind of like weird but very clever Yeah he's great Great joke writer

Yeah great He wrote for Fallon for like 10 minutes Daily Show now Oh okay great He's like Fallon for like 10 minutes Daily Show now Oh, okay, great He's like the one kind of fringe conservative In the Daily Show room Keeping them semi-sane, I guess And probably driving him nuts, I'm sure

Oh, dude, he's an angry I mean, his Twitter alone I'm like, oh, I hope this guy's okay His Twitter's great I know, I love it If you want a great follow I think he's hilarious on Twitter So funny, so funny

I like watching people lose it on Twitter, it's fun When they get honest It is fun, but there are always people who are like Fuck, don't lose it too much, I want you to have a career Yes, that's true That's true, because it's real easy to pull a Roseanne Pop an Ambien, have a red wine And say a black joke Or whatever it is Have you ever done a Roseanne Pop an Ambien, have a red wine And say a black joke

Or whatever it is Have you ever done a sleeping pill and then done morning radio the next morning And you say shit where you're like Oh I fucked up Because I sure as shit have But I take sleeping pills every night Every night you take a sleeping pill? It's a problem

I gotta come back to life I need to get sleep. I can't. To me, it's the falling asleep. Once I'm asleep, I'm good. I just can't turn it off. Damn. What kind of sleeping pill do you take?

Well, I went with the melatonin. That's not a pill, though. Well, this is just the beginning. I was taking four. Then you take five. Then you're like, well, this is done. Then you start taking CBD oil. Like, oh, this is helping.

Then that's not doing anymore. So then I do a Tylenol PM. But then you're like, well, this is done. Then you start taking CBD oil. Like, oh, this is helping. Then that's not doing anymore. So then I do a Tylenol PM. But then you're like, I don't need the Tylenol. So am I hurting my liver? And after a while, I would do Ambien. Damn. You can't do Ambien every night. I kicked Ambien every night.

Because I was falling asleep, like, sitting up places. It was really embarrassing. I was pulling like a grandpa. The problem with me with melatonin is I already have nightmares, and it for some reason makes my nightmares so vivid. Interesting. Do you know that's a thing? That's why people do weed, I think,

because it actually will help. I don't know which one is it. Indica, the one that helps you sleep. I think that one helps with nightmares, they say. Oh, that's fucking bad. Boy, they really, these scientists, man, they really mastered the weed. I know it's a hacky joke now, but it's like so impressive, these strains. This one makes you hungry.

This one makes you sleepy. This one makes you less anxious. Yeah, they have. I mean, it's like, it's crazy where it's come in our lifetime. I mean, I remember getting into a car to get weed from a stranger. And man, that's fucking weird as a kid to do. And now it's like Soder's got that bit like how they're like Somalias. It's crazy.

They are. That's such a great point. And the funny thing is these guys are in a lab coat. They're scientists. They're botanists. But they still keep the names funny, which I love. You know, it's like, you want to get Maui Waui or Anal Fisher? Or do you want the Squirter?

Or do you want, you know, whatever the hell, Bobby Flay? There's always some fun name. Anal Fisher. They could have held off on the names, but they hung in there. Anal Fisher. I think she was on Boy Meets World, wasn't she? Topanga, huh? She was hot. Sheil Fisher. I think she was on Boy Meets World, wasn't she? Topanga, huh? She was hot.

She was hot. It was classic. Oh, yeah. I looked her up not too long ago. Did you? Oh, these kids today have no idea what they got with

the Internet. They can see any child star nude. They got an OnlyFans. They got Google. I mean, back in our day, if she did Playboy once, you were lucky.

Terry Hatcher's doing Playboy, you know. Did she? Oh, yeah. Jenny McCarthy, Anna Cole Smith, you know. Jenny McCarthy, man. I remember that was like, that was a good time to be a hot chick because they were like, yeah, we'll give you a comedy show. Like, that's how low the fucking bar was. Yeah.

All you do is pretend to fart or like, you know, squeeze a tit and you were a comedian if you were a hot chick. Yeah, she wasn't funny. MTV really was throwing shit at the wall. They really were like, Jenny McCarthy. Occasionally, they'd land back in the day. Even like Singled Out back in the day, you're like, oh shit, that was kind of crazy for what it was. I loved it. Yeah, young Chris Hardwick, right?

And Carmen Electra. Talk about the 90s. So hot. I gave it a Google search And he's like, I stopped making fun of them Because he is one, and it's so true Like, millennial is 80 on, I think So we're definitely in there What's the one after that? Gen Z? And when does that start?

90? Really? I think so, 95? I could be wrong Call in if you know. What are you drinking, by the way? Oh, good question. Well, as you know, don't buy the background. I'm in a Hilton Garden Inn in Omaha, Nebraska.

Not bragging. And so I realized I went to the club. I did a show. And I came back. And I said, I got to do a pod. But I forgot to bring a cocktail. So I went down a little market They got down a little market in the lobby

All they got was Lemon Truly Oh, man So I'm going to be that guy Lemon Truly I'm like a hot chick at a Kentucky Derby over here That sounds like a homophobic dad calls his gay son You fucking Lemon Truly That's what Hemingway would call me

There it is folks I love it Sorry about the background I love it I got a little I got a Manhattan going I'm on original Went back

I was gonna do a Bold VDA Whatever they're called It's when they do Sweet vermouth Bourbon And Campari But I was kind of like, eh

I'd rather do, they have another one I'll do it another week called an Old Pal Which I like better It's dry vermouth, bourbon and Campari It's fucking good Can we just go out on a limb and say That might be your favorite cocktail? Yeah, I like a Manhattan

It's a cocktail, it's strong It's got a little sweetness, It's got a little tart. I love it. It's perfect. Perfect cocktail. It is great. It's not too much of anything. It's not too tart, not too sweet, not too strong, but it's got all the flavors.

Gives you a nice buzz, too. It makes you just feel... It's a good drunk for me. I've been doing wine a decent amount, like a little red wine in the winter, scotch in the winter. But, man, it's cold out. It's snowing here, man. That's why you're stuck in Omaha, right? I know. A decent amount Like a little red wine In the winter Scotch in the winter But man It's cold out It's snowing here man

That's why you're stuck In Omaha right I know I saw the photos Or I saw some news reports From New York And man It is coming down It's like a white out

Out there And I had a flight At 6am It's a nightmare Getting out of Omaha 18 layovers And a bus And a train

And a tram And all this shit And they just I got a text today It's a cancelled flight So I had to like 18 layovers and a bus and a train and a tram and all this shit. And I got a text today. It's a canceled flight. So I had to reschedule. And I'm sure that'll get canceled. So tomorrow is going to be a whole airport day.

I can already feel it. Damn. I hate a stressful travel day, man. Nothing worse. Nightmare. Nightmare. It's brutal. I mean, luckily, you know, I got a phone and wi-fi so i can get some work done at the airport but it's just you just can't relax the whole day then you finally get

home at like midnight and you got an uber to your house it's it's a nightmare fuck yeah i i don't miss that i haven't been on the road in a bit like flying in a bit but i'll be back at it soon i'm sure uh yeah i miss it what yeah it seems it seems like it's starting to open up a little Yeah, I think it's going to open up a little I mean, it's like People are getting the vaccines and stuff I think the numbers are going to go down I know January was like the worst month

But I think it's like It's the worst right now It's going to go downhill, I think Yeah, yeah, I think so And like my mom has the vaccine My dad has the vaccine Same Girlfriend's mom has the vaccine So it's getting around pretty good, I think Yeah, yeah, I think so My mom has the vaccine, my dad has the vaccine Girlfriend's mom has the vaccine It's getting around pretty good, I think

I know people are bitching about it But if my mom's got it, that's a good sign What, uh, any good recs? Oh, man This is gonna sound weird But, uh I was flipping through my Cable package, if you know what I mean.

I don't want to get too into it because I don't want to get yelled at. But I was flipping through my shit there. And I'm a big documentary guy, as you know. Saw a documentary on Lynyrd Skynyrd. I go, yeah, you know, they're a popular band. I've never really gotten into them. But I'll listen. Sweet Home Alabama.

Amazing doc. Really? Blew my mind. I couldn't believe it. give me some highlights well it's called if i leave here tomorrow and it's just so crazy you know we've all heard the band story these guys meet up they play in a garage you know they do drugs then they all of a sudden hit hit it big but these are redneck guys from florida i thought they were from alab Alabama because of the song. They live in a shack on a river.

They're all fucking alcoholics. Their dads are fucking rednecks and idiots. And they kill alligators and do LSD and have long hair. And they all fail out of school. And they just kept playing guitar all day long and drums. One guy was writing a song, in and out of jail. They all get shot. They're all crazy.

And they just clicked. Damn. And then I can't remember how they got bigger, but one guy signed them. And then they opened for The Who, and then they just blew up. Oh, shit. But they're so cool because they're redneck hillbillies. But they're all about progress. And if you listen to the songs, they're like redneck hillbillies but they're all about progress and if you listen to the songs they're like pumping in they got that song uh in sweet home alabama birmingham had a governor boo boo boo apparently he was a big racist damn so they're like sliding in all

this subliminal woke shit in their hillbilly tunes Everybody thinks it's like bar room drinking And uh There's a bit in there dude Oh maybe Like just modernizing that Like that's so fucking funny Yeah I mean they have a whole song about how guns are bad And like they've all been shot

They all have friends who have guns QAnon had a message board QAnon I don't know Something like Politicians are all pedos That's fucking awesome dude I love it It's good man

It's really good And you fall in love with them They're so sweet And they're so humble HBO or Netflix Or what is it? Oh that's good I think it was Showtime

Oh Showtime's got good shit man I remember you turned me on to that Kobe doc, Muse. That was pretty fucking incredible. Loved it. And the Ron Artest one on Showtime's incredible, too. I don't know if I saw that. Oh, it's incredible. What are you working on?

I got a good rec. I just read this. You know, noir is like my escape right now. It's always been my escape. wreck i just read this you know noir is like my escape right now like it's always been my escape but like i love there's something about about noir that's like it takes me to a different world and the you know the language is so fucking fun and the dialogue i read this book called it's a classic i've never read it's by walter mosley called devil in a blue dress yeah of course i never read it i was just i heard it's a classic i've never never read it either. It's fucking great. It's incredible.

Oh, really? It's like they made a movie about it with Denzel. But he was Devlin the Red Dress, wasn't he? No, Devlin the Blue Dress. Okay. Denzel plays Easy Rollins, who's a detective. Don Cheadle is like his breakout role. He's like his tough friend.

And it's a great fucking book, man. There's so many good lines in it where you're like it's basically like a philip marlow type detective story but you add in the racial tension of like the late 40s post-war he's he served in the military so he's got all this anger you know but then so much these are the colorful villains where like there's a scene where uh he's working for this shady white guy dewitt perfect fucking white perfect white guy name at that time dewitt and southern uh yeah it is oh no no no no no it's in la but they're like houston and like louisiana guys so yeah it is so it's got like a southern

element for sure and uh there's a scene where he's like you know a tough guy served in the war and he could fuck shit up. He called himself a killing machine, but these young white kids are fucking with him. And he's like, I can't, he's like, I can murder all of them with my bare hands,

but I can't do shit. Cause I'm a black man or whatever. And this guy DeWitt comes in, he goes, are you fucking with my associate? And he says to the kids, get on your knees and suck his dick. And like,

it's that type of show. He pulls out a gun, suck his dick. And the kids are crying. And then, and, and he basically said afterwards, he he was like you would have thought that gave me some calm but like if he's willing to do that to one of his own kind what the fuck would he do to me like good ass lines like that where you're like oh this is and there was a like shit like you know missing it's about a missing woman devil in a blue dress and this guy goes look at look how pretty she is he goes he goes yeah if she weren't you

won't be looking for like shit like that i love that you know wow so smooth yeah so good you know what i love about noir is because it's fiction but it's urban it's all in the city which i love the city shit like uh chinatown with with night jack nicholson that shit, because sci-fi, I just, Lord of the Rings can blow me. You know, Harry Potter can blow me. I hate all that shit because I can't get into it. I love New Orleans. It's in the city. I'll fuck with good sci-fi, though.

Like, if it's like, dude, Ex Machina is brilliant. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, that I can get on. But they're not on a spaceship. They're in a guy's house in the hills, you know? I can still, it's technology. I'm down with good sci-fi but i i'm with you like i i prefer in i prefer noir is more my my shit than

like yeah good side i mean i like the original star wars and shit i love i love that stuff yeah yeah that's good that's a hero story i can get on board with star wars it's so good but star trek i hate really yeah it's just that's a klingon what's going on here we're stuck on a spaceship It's so good, but Star Trek I hate. Really? Yeah, it's a Klingon. What's going on here? We're stuck on a spaceship. It's so limited. I'm just not that into it. I'm sure we'll be hearing from Joe Mackey about this. I hear Battlestar Galactica is like the best show ever.

I've never seen it, but people fucking go nuts. People I really trust. The South Park guys say it's like the greatest show ever. Oh, I trust those guys for sure. And our close friend Joe Mackey Also Like, fuck him Yeah, he's an idiot

But yeah No, I get it and it's impressive And they have to create this whole world in their mind And that's all cool But like, The Matrix, I'm on board with Because it's somewhat based in reality But when you got Talking Trees and Lord of the Rings I'm like, eh

That doesn't exist you heard the story of will smith turned down that role for wild wild west i did hear that what an idiot that's crazy i probably because he got to sing a song for wild wild west probably he was so hot with music at that time that they were like you get a song and they were like he probably asked the wachowski brothers he's like can i have a song and they're like fuck you you don't have a song can you imagine the matrix and we world like we're fucking red pill red pill blue pill you fucking right right yeah that's a good point oh that he had a couple of jiggy with it was another rough one fuck men in black men in black was kind of fun men in black's a good movie

good movie and that that was a graphic novel or something like that i think yeah dude that movie is funny That movie holds up Barry Levinson I think Yes That was back when a black guy and a white guy Was still like whoa they're partners Holy shit look at these two

Oh my god like Rush Hour Another 48 Hours Men in Black The difference between Men in Black and 48 hours is like 47 slurs. That's true. You rewatch 48 hours and you're like, does Nick Nolte, can he cool it for like a minute? It's just crazy. I know.

I heard half of that was improvised. Joking. But he looks like that guy. Like when he's saying the n-word You're like oh he means it He's got the bad suit He's blonde Old blonde guy you know Yeah that was

48 hours is a great movie though I mean that was like a movie where you're like Where like the violence felt real Like that character who was in Who was in trouble the whole movie That bad guy who was just trying to like Save his girl or whatever Like that was who was in trouble the whole movie, that bad guy who was just trying to save his girl or whatever, that was a dark storyline. So that balanced some funny-ass shit with some real stuff, you know?

Right. It still had some grit on it, but it still had a lightheartedness, too. It's really well done. Yeah, man. Eddie Murphy fucking rules. He really does. Oh, I said it before. I'll say it again. I don't think he should come back. I mean, he can do whatever he wants, man, Eddie Murphy fucking rules. He really does. Said it before, I'll say it again.

I don't think he should come back. I mean, he can do whatever he wants, obviously, but as a stand-up, it'll never live up, no matter what. So that's the weird thing. We've talked about guys like the legends who die young and you're just immortalized. It's not just comedy. You go to Cuba and it's like Che Guevara's pictures everywhere

You know Because he went out in his prime And then you have fucking You know Fidel Castro lives forever You know what I mean Right Yeah they can't kill that guy

You go out at the You go out at the peak That's who you are forever Like Bill Hicks is Bill Hicks So true I mean he even has a bit about it Like what if you saw Hendrix now Doing like an AT&T commercial or selling fucking Depends or something?

Damn. How sad would that be? And he epitomizes that with his early day. Died at what, 33? Yeah, well, Bill Hicks. I mean, think of all the greats that died around that age. I mean, Jesus aside, you've got like Bruce Lee. You've got like you mentioned Hendrix.

You've got fucking Janis Joplin. Like all these Legends who died Super young Cobain's a big one too Yeah Cause like How he could've changed

Maybe I know I know Turning into a dad And all that Becomes like a Fox News guy Yeah He'd have a podcast

About you know How much Pearl Jam sucks Or whatever Oh Bill Hicks would be He'd be a podcast about how much Pearl Jam sucks or whatever Oh, Bill Hicks would be, he'd be a podcast He'd be like, Jay Leno did a fucking Doritos commercial He sold his soul Then cut to like a minute later, he's like Which reminds me, Adam and Eve is having a discount sale

I know, that's so weird to think about Because he would definitely have a podcast And it would be huge But you still got to do ads Yeah, well, can I tell you who gave me a phone call last week? Oh! I'm excited You teased us a little off air

So maybe catch everybody up Alright, so I was telling Mark that a Comedy legend gave me a call Weird to I mean, you've had this with Seinfeld You had Seinfeld hit you up And be like I'm a fan you hung with Jerry Yeah oh yeah

Highlight of my life You text with Jerry Yep still text every now and then I don't want to overdo it but yep That's fucking amazing The whole thing is bananas From watching him in New Orleans with my parents And must see TV to sitting on a couch

With him at the Beacon The whole thing doesn't make sense, but... That's also a guy, though, that your parents, like, get to, where they're like, why can't you work with Seinfeld? That's, like, the name they would say. Yes, exactly. Like, you tell them you got into the Comedy Cellar, which is, like, the biggest accomplishment ever,

and they're like, the who, the what? It's a cellar? It's a basement? Okay. Well, how much? Oh, you get $30 a set? Oh, cool. They don't get it, but then you tell them I met Seinfeld, and they're like, oh, okay, we got something. Now we're talking. Yeah, well, that's a big one. Yeah, so I'm doing a thing on Friday.

You did it, too. I think it's that Comedy Central roast thing. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. It took forever to set up in my apartment. Like move this bookshelf, move that bookshelf. So I'm like moving shit around. I'm doing it.

It was fun. I ended up having fun doing it. But a lot of movement. My reps are texting me. Jay Leno is trying to call you. And I'm like, I just got it. I got like a missed call. And I'm like, what?

Whoa. So I'm like, guys, can we wrap it up i want to talk to jay leno oh my god is he a fan did he see your set or give me the whole thing so he watched my special i got this and uh and he was like i loved your special i just wanted to tell you i just i watched with my wife and we i talked to him on the phone for a while he's gonna be a nicer guy great guy i mean this is so I love Jay Leno, me and List always talk about Leno Because biggest misconception

Is that Letterman is cooler than Leno Leno is the cool one You think so? Oh yeah, I mean look, Letterman had the better TV show Obviously, better late night talk show But Leno still does stand up By the way Letterman gave up stand up a long time ago

He mentioned that. He said he's doing Zooms. He's doing Zoom gigs. What? Yeah. Oh, my God. Also, you do Letterman. He's ice cold.

He doesn't talk to you. Leno comes in your dressing room. He goes, how you doing? What's going on? What have you been up to? And then like, how long have you been doing it? Where do you get up? And all that shit.

And he wants to talk to you. And he gives you notes. And he compliments the tags. his letterman just goes, all right, see you. Get out of here. Yeah. My agent told me that he hits up some comics and he's cool, but he's a cool guy about that. And then, uh, yeah, he couldn't have been nicer on the phone.

We talked for like, I don't know, 15 minutes or so. And he was super nice. And he was just like, I don't want to take up your time. I'm like, I'm like looking around. I'm like, do you know what I'm fucking doing right now? Yeah. But, uh, no, he's hit it. he had a cool line where he said uh i said well you know it's on youtube so a lot of my a lot of my views are just word of mouth you know it's not on on netflix or anything and he was like well you know uh word of mouth is big lyndon johnson had

a quote where he said a handshake is worth 250 votes and he good well i'm gonna tell you uh tell a lot of people about your special and special and they'll tell a lot of people So you know Pretty cool Made my day to say the least Totally what a mensch cool guy Great comic That is so odd did he quote any bits

Or did he save you Yeah he said Well maybe I'll see you around sometime No hard plans Weird time to make plans You guys are doing a pod together Yeah, he said, well, maybe I'll see you around sometime. He didn't need, like, no hard plans. Sure, sure. Weird time to make plans. But he said, you know. You guys are doing a pod together now?

Well, he said, he quoted a bit about how I said I can't drive. And he thought that was really, he's like, I laughed out loud at that. Like, you know, I'm a big car guy. I was like, oh, I know. But, yeah, he said, I'm a big car guy. And he said, the fact that you can't drive, you really can't drive You know, he's hip to shit Where he's like, where do you film at? The Comedy Cellar?

I'm like, oh, I mean, that's cool that he just knows that, you know? Yeah, totally Oh, what a guy Salt of the Earth, regular guy I read his book when I was a kid I read Leading With My Chin when I was a kid I mean, definitely a cool thing, for sure Super cool, wow I said it before, I read Leading With My Chin when I was a kid. I mean, definitely a cool thing, for sure.

Super cool. Wow. I said it before. I'll say it again. The great thing about stand-up is the lack of pretension. You know, like some barroom guitar guy is never going to meet Mick Jagger. And we could still meet Seinfeld or Leno or whoever. Super cool. Chris Rock, whatever it is.

Yeah, no, it's pretty crazy. And that's one that I told my parents It's weird that my dad calls me He's like, what did he say? With that type of shit So I was like, oh man, that's pretty cool That's fucking awesome And it's hilarious that you missed the call too

Hilarious, because I'm fucking Moving shit in my apartment Where I'm like, is this good for for this for the shoot yeah yeah i'm doing that on tuesday i'm not looking forward to it it's fine it's fine it's like the setup is excruciating like i'm on no sleep and i was a little hungover and uh and they're like it was like an hour of like move this book the other way so we don't have to deal with um you know copyright stuff i'm like all right is it is it all did you have to deal with copyright stuff. I'm like, all right. Did you have to prepare or is it all riffed?

I wrote a few bits for it, but I also... Oh, okay. It's funny when you're doing like... So for those of you listening, don't know what we're talking about if we weren't clear enough. It's basically like the top 100 roast jokes ever. And they had comics like me, Mark, Roy Wood, Yamanika, people like us just riffing on the jokes.

So it's funny when I have a bit where I'm like That's a good line that I wrote in prep And then they'd be like, so how did this roast joke make you feel? And I'm like, you want me to be like Here's why this is a good joke I want to be like I want to make bits Anyone can dissect the bit

I want to tell jokes Yeah, yeah What does that have to do with Leno? How did Leno come into it? Are they just two different things? What do you mean? Like, did Leno Is he doing it too?

No, no, no I think he just caught it on YouTube I think it came up As recommended or something Oh, that's amazing Yeah, fucking Jay Leno It's hilarious that he watches I feel like we're out of the loop

Because our shit's on youtube in a way not on netflix where it's like i feel like the stars why would they even think to look on youtube i told him on the phone i was like you know i got brought up on stage this summer at like a parking lot gig and they were like this this next comic's got a youtube special and it got a fucking laugh yeah they got a laugh and he laughed really hard at that he thought that was hilarious i'm like it gotta laugh that people are like oh clearly that's a joke i'm like no this is what we have to do now right right yeah he's he's seen like look i i like jerry i know jerry but i feel like leno feels easier to hang with you know jerry i'm still on kind of pins and needles the whole time but leno i feel like you could kind of let your guard down a little bit.

I think part of it is kind of like, this is how I look at it now, man. Like, my friends are my friends. Like, you're my friend. I have my friend group, you know? And then those guys, it's like, it's all house money. It's like, whatever. It's great. It's awesome.

It's almost like cool to just say you've talked to them or met them. But like, I put no, you know, I put no major stakes in the conversation. Because I'm like, if it goes, unless it goes horribly, which would suck. i put no you know i put no major stakes in the in the conversation because i'm like if it goes unless it goes horribly which would suck but like right of course you know that's a healthy way to be because i put way too much and i'm devastated it's like almost like a hot lady i'm texting that i am in love with you know so that's way smarter because i put everything i put all my chips in and uh it never pays off i just think like it's great that we have these stories and we get to tell these stories and stuff and it's like you know i these legends like i you know i remember like jeff ross would tell me stories about like buddy hack i'm like to me to me that's fucking

cool but that's so cool but yeah it's another thing leno said he's like these old school comics he was talking about how much he hated like last comic standing because we have to he's like these old school comics He was talking about how much he hated Like Last Comic Standing Because We have to He's like They're like be funny in two minutes He's like that's not comedy That's not comedy I'm like oh it's cool to hear guys like that Say that

But he's like That's not He's like He's like I forgot who he brought up But he said someone who would take like He's like go up and watch this first comics It takes like a minute and a half

To get to the first punch But the punch destroys He's like that was how comedy was And now it's like And I think he likes punchlines But he's kind of like the hunger Maybe the appetite is off I don't know

Interesting Yeah you can tell he loves it I mean for the people who don't know I'm a big Leno fan And he would go back in the late 70s When there weren't a ton of comedy clubs He had to get good and had to get repped so he would go to a bar or strip club put 50 on the bar and say let me do a half hour if i

bomb keep the money if it goes well i keep i get the 50 back so you don't have to lose any money and they would go okay and then you know a couple times he did okay, kept the money. A couple times he lost it. It's like a pool shark, man. Yeah. I mean, what a badass move. Like, I just got to get up. Well, he knew he had material. I saw him once go up at the improv, and he was funny.

It was good material. Really? Yeah, it was cool. It was probably like four or five years ago. He goes up in a blazer. It looks like old school, but he got him. I mean, it's cool to watch a legend just go up and do his thing.

And I was like, yeah, this is pretty sweet. He's a pro, and he's great on pot. He did Rogan. He was great. He did O&A back in the old days, and he zinged everybody. He was running the tables on these. He zinged Opie and zinged Jim,

making fun of how Jim looks and how they're not real men. Jim's like, oh, I can't change a tire He's like Oh Jesus Christ Yeah I'm eating here It was so funny Do you see when

Louie was on panel with him And Louie goes at him And Leno went back That's a great It was a great exchange It was like Great exchange It was like two dudes

Who just are like Just at the top Like just like We're fucking quick We're good Yeah Clearly they liked each other It wasn top like just like we're fucking quick we're good yeah clearly they liked each other it wasn't like malicious but it was fucking like louis came for leno and leno's like nah i just watched that recently louis had a great line because he goes uh well jay i mean you're you're insane looking and then leno's like wow what are you talking about he's like well

you've got a crazy face like if you told a sketch artist to draw your face he'd go come on and that kills and then leno after a huge laugh leno goes well you know it's just it's not easy having a full head of hair and uh louie loses it i mean it was great it was great yeah no they they go back and forth it was a good time Yeah man, fucking comedy At least we get good stories Yeah, hear hear All you hear now is It's being censored

Sorry To a new beginning baby Drink up Hear hear That's a new segment you mentioned. Yeah, I think a toast is fun. We could come up with funny toasts and shit. Well, that'll be our next week.

That'll be our homework. We'll come up with it. All right. I got one already. I mean, I already texted it to you, but I'm toasting the GameStop guys. Good for them, those fucking nerds on Reddit who beat the system. Hear, hear. Good for the people that got in and out early.

The rest of you, it's a pyramid scheme. It's gonna fall But to the early people, well done Well done, well done I mean, I think that rocked the foundation Of finance as we know it Yeah, we'll see, I don't know We'll see

I don't know, but it's fucking, it is hilarious I'm not gonna act like I didn't see that and laugh my ass off You know I love it i love seeing the guys on like msnbc and the tie the old guy with the white hair like this is unbelievable this is un inappropriate or whatever the fuck and you're like ah shut up you got billions game stop is fucking just a it's a hilarious one to pick because it's like it's blockbuster but for video games basically right exactly yeah The the real loser

Are the GameStop employees the fat Guy with the zits who's like wait I don't Get anything I still work a fucking Nine to five shit job You mean you mean my fucking My hourly wage didn't include stock In the company this is bullshit I know exactly he's got to

Go back home to his ferret And uh you know The whole company's through the roof Man Is Electronic Boutique still around? That was one too They all crumble I feel like I feel like everything like that

It's just like borders Think of anything that you go to get Going to Barnes & Noble feels like Visiting a dying relative You're like this is not going to last long. Let's just enjoy the time we have together. This is on its last legs here. Barnes & Noble is cool, too.

I like the coffee shop vibe. I like being able to... To some degree, I miss Blockbuster. I miss the experience of going to pick a movie. Yeah, same. I mean, it was a great date thing. You go to Blockbuster together. You can comment on all the cover.

I worked at Blockbuster for like three years. Did you really? Yeah, I was just such a movie douche. And I was obsessed with movies. I was in Louisiana with nothing to do. So I said, hey, let me get a job at Blockbuster. Horrible job, by the way. I thought it was going to be like movie job, but you just work in a library, basically.

You're just putting shit back on the shelf in alphabetical order. And everybody's got late fees, and you're like, hey, you owe Wizard of Oz from 1949. He's like, fuck you. I'm like, hey, you owe 10 grand. The guy's like, ah, so it was mostly that. But, uh, but yeah, it was, I loved Blockbuster.

That was super cool. And then, like, remember, what was it? Kim's video, or what was that one in the village? St. Mark's, Legend Yeah. Yeah. That shit was fucking awesome with the posters and the CDs and the movies. They had everything you could add, like fucking Asian movies and snuff films and all this shit. Classic. So much is gone, man. So much is so much of New York is I mean, of everywhere. I mean, like that's You know Cool indie shit Doesn't last long No I was

You know I'm in Omaha So they're They're ten years behind Out here but I went to the mall And you're like Oh yeah Hollister What the fuck is that

I was gonna say Hollywood video Oh yeah It's like PacSun And Spencer's And The fucking What's the one

With the high tech gadgets They always got the armchair With the cushion And the fucking What's the one with the high tech gadgets They always got the armchair With the cushion And the foot rub Oh sharper image Sharper image That's still here You're like wow

It was like a throwback Damn that's hilarious Yeah 10 years behind Yeah maybe 20 But it's weird I mean it's sad But it's weird. I mean, it's sad, but it's true.

But I like going out. That's why comedy is great, because you got to go see it. You got to go. I mean, you can see our specials, but we're doing crowd work, and you're riffing on this and that, and talking about the town. Entertainment, luckily, is pretty much mostly live. It's incredible. Yeah. And like, I hope that it's not replaceable.

Cause you think about that, but like, I remember we were doing like those rooftop shows in the summer in New York thinking like no one would come out and yeah. And like people came to every single one cause people want shit to do. And I think they're hungry for things to do, especially right now with like, dude,

it's a fucking tough year for everybody it just really is of course of course and i think it's just human nature like you need to connect you need to interact you need to see things and like that's why i hate those boxes of food you know what is that like fresh you know those boxes like pre-made food that you know i think you're gonna say fresh direct don't knock fresh direct that's like that's that's legit i know you're talking about though like the pre-made shit where you're like, what are we doing here? Yeah, it's like, hey, we're gonna send you a box Of chicken cacciatore

And it's like little individual Sealed bags of Parmesan, and then a little Roasted red pepper, and you're like, what are we doing here? Let's go to the fucking grocery store And see the produce, smell it Feel it, get the chicken, pick it up Go get the salt the pepper

whatever it is i think that's just better for your brain i agree man time as we're fucking killing our brain with alcohol but uh this is what's good for your brain but that's like why i feel like i'm not gonna stop drinking so i do need other shit like you need a break from other things like that's why like showers like one of the last places you have That's why cooking is still important You chop in garlic You can't look at your phone So you can listen to a podcast Or something I guess

But it is valuable to have that time You're holding shit in all day You're internalizing stuff And then you go and you do your thing And shit starts flooding out Premises start flooding out. Yes, so true. I live in the West Village and there's a little wine shop by my house and they do a thing where you tell them your last name and you have an account with them.

And it's so stupid. You get like two bucks off every $800 you spend or whatever it is. But it's cool. I see this big Greek guy. He's got hairy forearms. He's got a bad accent. And he's like, this is a good white for this. and that's a good red if you're cooking with pasta. I'm like, I get to interact with the guy, and I'm learning about a wine, and you see all the wines.

You look at the labels. I mean, it's better than just clicking something and waiting for it. Yeah, there's something about an interaction that is nice. You talk. You're talking to a stranger. We've talked about this before, but forcing yourself to have to interact with a human isn't it? Like it's an important part of life that I guess the next generation will know less and less about. That's true. It's sad, but true.

Louis used to have this great point. I don't know if it was a bit, but he used to talk about how you go to a bookstore and you could sometimes get laid. Like you go to a bookstore and you see a lady talking or reading, kind of like leafing through, you know, Tolstoy. And you're like, oh, you got to read this one. And she's like, oh, really? You like that?

He's like, we should go get a glass of wine and talk. And then boom, you know, so like, or how about Blockbuster with the Jeff's Picks? Remember that? You got to check out Jeff's pics. And you're like, boy, Jeff loves Carrie Elwes or whatever the fuck. The idea that you're using Tolstoy to get fucking pussy is so funny to me. Where it's like, oh, Tolstoy. I couldn't think of anybody.

It's so funny. I couldn't think of anybody. By the way, some people tweeted me that my bit from last week, Louie, had a similar bit. It's dumb. It's dropped. I appreciate you guys. It's got it. It fucking happens. It happens a million times why you ask that's why i ask but uh yeah it happens all the time oh man louis fuck he's got so many we were like god damn it i mean that even that premise is hilarious just getting laid in the bookstore

is so funny yeah yeah fuck yeah there's something How about Any Pet Peeves? Oh, you never wrecked? Did you give me a wreck? Yeah, yeah, Devil in the Blue Dress by Walter Mosley. Incredible. Just like a classic. I'm going to read more of his stuff. It's like a classic noir.

I loved it. It was, it's just a totally, if you're looking for an escape, it's another world. It's fun to just go into another world. Yeah, totally. All right. I love it it I remember seeing the movie Like in a hotel room Years ago I hear it's good It's good, yeah

I think they changed it To make it southern Because I remember a lot of Moments where Denzel Would have like the sweat stains On his button down And then he was fucking One of the ladies

And she was like Oh, Lordy B You know, you're ringing my bell That's what she kept saying And it felt very southern So maybe they Fuck, Lordy B You know, you're ringing my bell That's what she kept saying And it felt very Southern So maybe they Fuck, Denzel's so cool, man Oh, the best

Yeah His new movie looks pretty rough, though Oh, what is that? I don't know, it's like a cop movie It doesn't look good I think it's on Netflix He's in so many He's getting a little typecasted, if you ask me

Yeah, I think once you're in so many fucking hits It's like Tortured, tough guy, cop Serious, angry Kind of thing Do you like Training Day? I own it, I love that movie It's good

But I feel like that was the beginning of every character Had to be like, my man That type of dude He's incredible. I'm a fucking big fan, obviously. Incredible. What's his best movie, you think? Didn't know you liked to get wet, though.

PCP, primo. Let's see. Oh, man. Malcolm X, he's fun in. I forgot that's like a three and a half hour movie or something. It's crazy. Spike Lee, yeah.

He's a bad dude. Delroy Lindo Shouts out to that great Underrated character actor Love that guy Great in Get Shorty Oh, Get Shorty fucking rules Great movie

And what a cat Like a young Gandolfini's in that And Dennis Farina Is that his name? Is he I just recommended someone Midnight Run Where Farina just like

Oh, that guy's a beast That guy's great And everybody's great In Snatch R.I.P. man Yeah where Farina just like. Oh, that guy's a beast. That guy's great. And everybody's great. All right, man. Yeah. Farina. Yeah. Fucking legend.

Ex-cop in Chicago. He. Yeah, dude. He's a bad motherfucker. I love Farina. I get shorty. One of my favorite lines is. Fucking R.I.P.

Gandolfini to the greatest. But when he goes up to Travolta and then travolta goes this guy is stuntman and goes yeah he grabs him by the nuts and like throws him down a flight of stairs he goes he's good so good wow that movie rules that was back before travolta had the uh the massage table incidents and you'd still believe the fact that he uh could throw a guy down some stairs Although the nut grab is not Has anyone had a weirder career than Travolta? Like the ups and downs and just like So crazy

I mean, started out bangers It was like Saturday Night Fever and Grease And all these huge hits And then Look Who's Talking Then he went to hell Then Pulp Fiction Then Michael I mean, it Pulp Fiction Then Michael I mean it was just like this phenomenon

Michael is such trash It's so fucking bad I saw you tweet about it didn't you It's so bad I watched a little bit of it Because I was just like I just want to remember how bad this is And like I love Andy McDowell

But like god it's a fucking turd man It's like Holy shit is it bad They were just trying to ride his charisma All the way to the bank And it's like look he's likable But no one's pulling this shit off, dude No one's pulling off the angel

Who's like, just got a horseshit dialogue Horrible It was trying to be like kind of a ghost thing Where they had like the sappy music And they would like slow dance alone And she would shave him Ghost is way better though Ghost is great

Whoopi Goldberg was fucking funny in Ghost I think she won an Oscar For that She was good Comic Starred as a comic Yeah Whoopi

Whoopi was funny Yeah she was funny The view was a bummer But she was funny There's just no way You're making that show That show's just not Going to be good

No No No A bunch of koozes Sitting around a Semi-circle Talking about Fucking The bullshit of the day.

It's like, all right, all right. Kooze is such a good insult. You fucking kooze. What a great insult. I love kooze. It's the polite way to say cunt, basically. Or not polite, but TV clean. All right, pet peeve.

Here we go Let's go I'm howling over here Pet Peeve, I did a podcast With a guy, a nice guy But he said, can you meet me in the park at noon I said, yeah, you got it, you want to do it face to face You're the nice guy

You're the nice guy Well, yeah, he was very convincing But, so I'm a guy, you say noon, I'll be there at noon It's 11.52, I'm walking there and he goes Hey, where you at? And I go, oh, I'm heading over there And he goes, oh, alright, I thought you were late Like, I got eight minutes

And he's like, okay, I thought you were going to be late And I'm like, you said noon, you called going to be late And I'm like, you said dude You called me at 11.52 I was so pissed, I don't know why that pissed me off You're yelling at me and I haven't even done anything wrong yet Some little dick shit Some insecurity right there What he's basically doing is being like

I'm nervous you're going to blow me off And I'm putting that on you Before you even get there Yes, yes Exactly, it really rubbed me the wrong way I called him out when I saw him And I'm putting that on you Before you even get there Yes, yes, exactly It really rubbed me the wrong way I called him out when I saw him I got there at like 11.56

But I'm like, I'm still early You should have looked him dead in the eye And done another lap You said I got four minutes, you prick Right, right, because to me a minute is a minute Like if you say noon, I'll be there at noon But I don't want to get there at 11.50 I'm very punctual too.

If I'm going to be late, I was like four minutes late to a Zoom the other day, and I gave a huge apology. I said, I thought this was an hour later. I'm very sorry. And it was four minutes, but it was Zoom. Yeah. So you should be on time to a Zoom. But I try to be punctual. Yes.

You're fucking with another person's time, and I think it's very rude to be late. And there's some people who just live to be late. Oh yeah. That's a, that will fuck you in life. Being early or on time is, is a, that's,

you get a huge leg up if you're on time. The late guys, you just don't trust them. There's all these Hollywood stories about people who just showed up. They would show up like 30 minutes early to meetings And just make sure to like walk Watch them walk in It was like a power move

They're already there just sitting there you know Yeah yeah I was at I had a pitch with Netflix This is 64 years ago And I show up and I was kind of running Because I didn't want to be late And I was a little sweaty

And I show up and in the lobby In a t-shirt, basketball shorts And flip flops was Adam Sandler Oh my god This motherfucker is 20 minutes early Looking at his phone Dicking around, scratching his balls And I'm like barely making it

So I was like I gotta get my shit together And that's why he's where he's at and I'm where I'm at And you know other factors but yeah He's the coolest He's the best Cool the coolest guy worst dresser on the planet that adds to it the fact that he's rolling into fucking netflix meetings and basketball shorts and slippers is fucking legendary i know with socks by the way like my may my gal she's always like that's so hot that he dresses like that i'm like that's hot she's like yeah that's what's so complex about women Is she's like they look beyond

The thing like I see a schlub And she sees a guy who doesn't give a fuck Well here's what it is If you're successful and you dress like shit Women are like he doesn't care If you're a bum and you dress like shit They're like you're a fucking loser That's a great point that's a bit

Well it's all about who you are Like she thinks that's hot because he's hot Adam Sandler're a fucking loser. That's a great point. That's a bit. Well, it's all about who you are. Like, she thinks that's hot because he's hot. Adam Sandler is a fucking, it's like when women are like, I like a guy who's a dick. It's like, no, you like a fucking successful dick. You don't like a dick cashier at Walgreens. That's so true. You like a dick fucking guy in a suit who's drinking a martini at the bar and pulls in 12 mil a year. That's who you like Exactly, yeah

It's like the creepy guy at the office Also happens to be ugly You know You know the guy giving you the weird massage You're like, oh, Greg Looks like, you know, he's bald and all this And fat and old But if Zach with the fucking gel in his hair

And the Armani suit Giving you a massage You're like I'm in If Joe Biden sniffs your hair He's a creep If Tom Hardy sniffs your hair You're wet

Alright Let's be fucking real Come on Yeah Right Here here If Tom Hardy sniffed my hair I'd be wet

I mean he's He's a talent He's great Have you ever seen the movie Lock? Lock No Dude Alright Highly recommend it It's like a 90 minute movie Yeah He's a talent. He's great. Have you ever seen the movie lock lock? Dude. All right. Highly recommend it.

It's like a 90 minute movie. It's the entire movie takes place of just him and his car. Every other character. It's insane. Like, I love movies that are like, we're going to do it this way. I know it sounds insane.

They pull it off, dude. It's like, it's literally Tom Hardy just taking phone calls the entire movie, but it unravels his fucked up plot. And he's, dude, he is so good. I love that guy. Well, he's such a great actor that he's enough to carry it, you know?

Exactly. Like, Phone Booth with Colin Farrell didn't really have the same cachet. He was in a lot of stinkers And then he won me over big With In Bruges In Bruges is so good No one talks about that movie, that movie is amazing Masterpiece And weird and quirky and funny

But dark and a little different I mean, that was a really Who's that director? He's done a few good things Marta McDonagh, genius, fucking genius Playwright He wrote this play Called The Cripple of Anishinaan I'm probably butchering

The pronunciation of that city But like It's the funniest thing You'll ever read It's like the dark He's written He wrote like His classic is like

Pillow Man That's like the famous play He had all these great plays But like His big movie was Seven Psychopaths Was the next one It was good

It wasn't as good Then he did the one with francis mcdormand that was like super divisive and polarized and it got oscar nominations three billboards three billboards yeah i liked it people hated it uh but i thought it was cool i mean i love the cast i i i think the first one's the best uh in bruges. Yeah, yeah. The cast is great. Rockwell I love, and Francis McDormand's a great actor. But yeah, I felt like that one was a little forced at some points, but I thought it was good. Dude, his brother did a movie called The Guard.

Have you ever heard of that? No. It's Brendan Cleason and Don Cheadle. It's incredible. Really? It's like In Bruges vibes. It's really fucking funny And it's really

I mean, Brendan Gleeson is like the coolest He's just the coolest Wait, I don't know that guy He's in In Bruges He's the fat guy He's the main guy Yeah, he's great He's great

His son is this big actor now too But, you know, Dom Hall Gleeson is in everything He was in Brooklyn He was in Star Wars He was in That's right in Star Wars He was in That's right You know Literally every movie

Is he British or Irish? Irish I think Irish Yeah Or maybe Scottish He's like an Irish Donald Logue Remember Donald Logue? He's a great actor

Great actor You don't hear about him Look him up Give him a goog if you don't know him He was in every TV show You ever see that movie? The Tao of Steve? No That was like his breakout movie

He was like a fat ladies man It was funny Oh wow, alright He's a great actor, that guy Great actor, funny, great comedic Actor, really good See, we know about all these guys That don't get any love

We respect quality I think they've had good careers I think they made money I think to be a working actor Is so hard and to beat the odds I think he is Probably still working I would think He's so good

Yeah I'd hope And then you always forget about this Broadway There's all this summer stock And Shakespeare We forget about but that's quality work for an actor true yeah no he was fun he's great i everything is in he's he's i think he was on gotham i think he was like a recurring on that which is like a big show so i think i think he did well all right yeah i i hope i hope he is because he is Because he's a talent Yeah

I'll give you my pet peeve I did a podcast And a woman called me She's like, comics, you guys are the bravest I'm so sick of people calling comedians brave We're not brave Enough of this shit Two things I hate when they describe comedians

Brave and truth tellers Two of the things that bug me the most Brave Navy SEALs are brave Alright Right We're fucking We're telling jokes

If it goes badly I have my legs You know what I mean Like let's be real And as for And as for Truth tellers We're joke tellers

We're truth explorers Truth telling is It sounds so pretentious If you're only seeking the truth, you're not seeking a joke Yeah, I completely agree They always say that about Pryor, he was so honest I'm like, well, anybody can be honest I'm honest, but it has to be funny

You know, like, I can go up and go I used to wet the bed, I think that lady's ugly You know, whatever It's easy to be honest You gotta make it funny Exactly So that bummed me That annoyed me And uh

Yeah I'm with you It just I mean like I'm flattered that people Think what we do is brave But it's like Yeah it's like

We all think different things Are brave But like let's Let's not lose the fact Like we're having fun It's a pretty It's not The idea when people

Are like it's so courageous It's like come on We're fucking We're telling jokes people are like, it's so courageous. It's like, come on. We're fucking, we're telling jokes. We're having drinks. We're having a good time. This isn't. Right. Right.

I got a Budweiser up there. You know, how brave am I? But. Yeah. I will say there are parts of comedy and it's the part that nobody thinks about. Everybody's like, you're telling the truth. You're a truth teller. You're brave.

Whatever. No, that's not it. The hard part is when you're sitting in the green room going, I'm hungover. I'm depressed. I got anxiety. And I got to go be funny for an hour. Right. And kill.

That's the hard part. When you're like, I was on a fucking six-hour flight. I had a layover. I'm hungover. I want to kill myself. I'm on two hours of sleep. Now I got to go kill for two shows an hour each Well said

Yeah, I think it's the idea that Finding a partner who's down with this lifestyle Is so challenging Oh, that too Finding someone who's okay with it They don't get what it is on paper I've said this a lot Dinner is a sign of stability to a partner

We don't give them dinner We give them a lot of breakfast and lunch partner we don't give them dinner we give them a lot of breakfast and lunch but there ain't gonna be dinner a lot i mean sometimes but like you know so that's one thing the other thing is just you know you you nailed it as well with having to subdue that that anxiety and having to internalize a lot of that That Pain, I remember one time with the seller Esty, the booker The seller who I miss And

I remember I was going through a breakup but you could just see I was not well And the host runs up I think it was Will Silvans runs up and was like Sam you're on and Esty just looks at me Gives me one of these Ah Smile Yeah And Essie just looks at me and gives me one of these Ah Smile

Yeah Damn It made me laugh I laugh really hard That shit will help when someone gives you a little Fucking bump you know I'm like alright I'm with you It doesn't work the other way when a guy says hey how about a smile honey

But if a lady does it Alright But no it's funny Telling me to turn it on was pretty funny though And a guy says, hey, how about a smile, honey? But if a lady does it, all right. But no, it's funny. Telling me to turn it on was pretty funny, though. I'm like, dude, yeah, exactly. Estes lived a much harder life than we have. Oh, no doubt about it. Serving in the Israeli military.

You know, that life. She's a tough broad. Tough broad and a nice lady and giving. And she's done so much for all of us. Yada, yada, yada. Yeah, yeah. Miss her. Miss all the cellar people.

Miss the comedy cellar more than anything. Holy shit. In the words of Gary Goleman, it's not just a comedy club. It's a lifestyle. You go there to eat. You go to the right. You go there to see your friends. You go there to work out.

You go there to hang. I mean, it's Thanksgiving, Christmas parties, all that shit. It's just, you know, I'm texting Liz. You had a podcast with the fucking manager of the place, right? I miss her, man. Yeah. Yeah, same. Yeah, good people.

Good people. All that. The best. Yeah. It'll be back. Good people. We'll be back. Good club.

Yeah, shit, you said something, and it made me go off on a thing in my head, and now I lost it Going up when you don't want to go up Oh yeah, that's the thing It's tough because I think the most exhausting thing And maybe it's because we're a bunch of introvert Dweebs

But the most exhausting thing to me is Being on when you're not feeling it Like, that's why day jobs are so taxing, because you've got to go, hey, Rick, cold out. How are the kids doing? Is it only Tuesday? Another day, another dollar.

You want to shoot yourself in the mouth, because it's so phony, and it's so much work to be that phony, where you want to just go, I hate it here. I fucking hate the fluorescent lights and the bad coffee and the clock ticking and all that.

But like, that's the hard part. And that's why doing those shows when you're on empty and you got to be on and funny and quick. That's a good point. Yeah. I mean, as I just mocked that this is like not just truth telling, but like there is an honesty in our field. Like when you work at a bar You're drinking There's like this kind of calm reality That we've all kind of agreed upon

We're like yeah we're not going to bullshit each other The same way you would in an office And that when you do tell each other shit That you probably wouldn't tell in an office Where you're like yeah I had this bad breakup Or something People know shit is going on Where they might not know otherwise

And a bar setting makes it all kind of like less weird also the fact that we work at night i think something about like night is almost like it brings more of a reality to it it's the end of the day it's kind of like you're kind of like who gives a fuck right it's kind of like it's over right yeah uh the morning it's weird to be real In the morning Yes, completely But at night, you're like, yeah, it's the end I can tell you what's going on

It's the end That's a funny way to put it So Yeah It's weird to be phony I think these people know more about us Than they would Otherwise Our co-workers To be phony So I think these people Know more about us Than they would Like

Otherwise Like our co-workers It's beyond co-workers It's friends Like We will have a drink If you had a drink At an office

You'd be closer With your co-workers You'd just be like I fucking love that guy We'll have a drink Like if you were getting Fucked up with your With your boys

At like Home Depot On the hour You'd be like That's my That's my fucking dude Right there Exactly And look Truth tellers is pretentious But With your boys at Home Depot on the hour You'd be like, that's my fucking dude right there Exactly And look, Truth Tellers is pretentious

But we do get to be honest on stage And it's just such a better way to be Than the whole, how was your weekend? Another day, another dollar If you go to fucking Youngstown, Ohio You can go on stage and go, well this town sucks And it gets a laugh Because it's like

Yeah it does And you're some outsider From New York saying that So like that's nice You don't have to sit there and go How you guys doing? You feeling good? Like that would

That'd be a bad comment I forget where Trump was In Pennsylvania But his opener was like Look I would never be here otherwise And it got a huge laugh And I was like That's what we do

That's why he's bad for comedy Because he's taking our shit Exactly Exactly I feel the same way yeah he's gonna be great he's horrible for uh biden's good for comedy yeah because we get back to escape his shit um yeah you know uh yeah you make a good point i do fucking miss a club all my jobs were labor labor jobs because you can turn the brain off i'd rather move around move muscles than I do fucking Miss a club All my jobs were labor Labor jobs Because you can turn the brain off I'd rather move around Move muscles

Than Be phony I had like a couple of those jobs It was mostly office type shit I Look at these fucking hands dude Come on Yeah

Yeah dude Construction gopher Janitor Furniture mover The janitor, furniture mover The janitor one shocked me Because you did that one for a little while That was your last one though right That was about three years yeah

But you know mopping Cleaning bathrooms was a nightmare I mean somebody would always blow it up With diarrhea somehow on the fucking walls And you had to clean that up But it was still better than Friday Finally or whatever the fuck you said right right what uh what was that bit again you had that great bit about it

oh yeah i was mopping the floor it was like a big deal they told you to mop early so the place looked good but everybody showed up early so i'm trying to mop while there's like guys in business suits going in and out like grand central station just in and out in and out so guys be like whoa and like slip all the time and i was like shit sorry they tell me to mop now and i'm mopping one day and inevitably one guy just slipped hard and he goes jesus if the floor is wet you got to put a sign down and i'm like i'm mopping in front of you i am the sign you know like you know the little guy on the sign doing that that's me but in 3d that was the big bit that was fucking funny that was a classic on my first tv set so that was a big moment for me yes that's right that was fucking

comedy central back in the day yeah when it when it mattered it was was me, Che, Lawrence, St. Germain, Emily Heller, Shang Wang. Oh, dude. That's a great show. Great group, yeah. Darren was the headliner. Damn. Yeah, that was cool. Che was trembling.

It was so cool to see Che then, because he was brand new. We were a couple years in. We had some shit under our belt, but Che was like a year were a couple years in We had some Some like Some shit under our belt But Che was like a year in Or two years in Wow And

He just Got picked Because he was so charming Or whatever And he fucking Murdered Yeah he was I mean he was good

Out of the gate He was He was a He was a phenom But he had to have a beer Backstage Because he was like shaking Damn

Do you ever do that? You do that a lot? No, I never do that Never drank before a taping? No, I did it in the beginning Like in the old days Like open mic days in New Orleans I was trembling, I was so nervous

But I got really drunk one day And I said I'll never do it again On a taping? No, just in general I try not to drink before a show not even one i'll have one maybe as i'm walking on or on stage but i won't like pound a few in the green room yeah i'm the same way i'll do like maybe one but yeah i'm with you um interesting you you do it on a taping i have um i remember like i did a con Conan I think it was my second Conan

And yeah I had a couple whiskeys in the green room What? And it was probably my best set I fucking crushed It was like a one-word Wow, that was really good I was so loose and confident

Was it I need a few whiskeys or it was just there and you had one uh it was just they i said oh i'd like a whiskey and they said oh we'll get that for you and they did and i had i had one that was like i'm gonna have another and then i just felt loose and that was like back in the days when i really like ran late night sets on the ground i mean we got to a point we got too busy to do that right well like i'd run it but i didn't have a chance to run it like i mean i used to it used to be everything to us those late nights oh yeah it's funny how The point we got too busy to do that Right Well like I'd run it But I didn't have a chance to run it Like I mean It used to be everything to us

Those late night sets Oh yeah It's funny how these late night sets The views are just fucking shit now I was just talking about this with somebody It's These The credits at a comedy special

Or a comedy show Are like So In limbo Because like A late night sounds good But it's meaningless You know It's because like a late night sounds good, but it's meaningless. You know,

it's almost like a resume thing more than it is an exposure thing, you know, but like, uh, you can go viral on a fucking tick tock and that way more people see it. Isn't that fucking weird? It's not impressive, but yet a tonight show is kind of impressive.

Is there some clout to it? I guess. Cause you have to get picked? Maybe that's what it is I guess, yeah, you're right Also, really bad shit will go viral You have to remember that You'll look at something and you're like

3 million views, this is so unfunny I know So I guess that's part of it, but you're right It's not like doing the Tonight Show with Carson anymore I mean, shit No, no, one Rogan or one viral video, all that shit is way more helpful. Your last Fallon was fucking great, though. Really?

I felt like that was one of my weaker. Were you talking about the boat or before that? Oh, I love the boat. Oh, all right. Thanks. It was so weird and unique. I love weird kind of different shit. Sorry for the rapper there.

I'm pouring myself another drinky. Ooh, is that brand new? Yeah, this is our friend Jamie. She came to my gig the other night in Chelsea. Yeah, a little Manhattan action. I'm mixing it on air. No ice in this one, though. Ooh, that's good.

Jamie Lynn, shout out. She gave me a bourbon and you a scotch. She's like our sponsor. I'm loving it, man. This is nice stuff. It's funny how it's a drinking show. That's a good name. I love it.

Sounds like a British butler. Aberfeldy? Chop chop. Give me any good news stories? I don't know about good But It did pretty well on Twitter What do you got So

I got a couple zingers About the First of all Well I'll save that one That one's not ready yet really But They're doing anal swabs in china and so uh my three jokes that are working on stage were anal swabs in china luckily i hear uh

their swabs are smaller also uh swabs are uh i feel like uh corona tests are starting to they starting to sound like a bored husband. Like I'm done with this. We need more holes, you know? And then the last one is shit. Oh, damn it. I lost it. I had three zingers on the anal swabs.

Oh, it was, look, I'll take a nose swab. I'll take an anal swab, but Jesus, just do the nose first. All right, all right all right that was it i uh that's funny that's good oh i should also shout out man our fucking our email keep email we're getting all these great emails yes uh and our email is still one more drink with mark and sam at gmail one more drink with mark and sam at gmail we could change it but we're getting we already got a bunch of emails I feel like you guys figured it out, we're good Yeah, and that's better than the old one too

It's nice and short One more drink, or we might be drunk Or whatever it was With Mark and Sam Wait, it's the same one? Yeah, no, it's one more drink with Mark and Sam Do you want to change it? Wow, I feel like we gotta

At some point, well, we have so many We'll change it, we get a lot of emails I feel like we gotta At some point We'll change it Yeah we get a lot of emails though I do like that people Are sending us emails And they're Like the people that send In this subject Pet peeve

Recommendation Joke I like that Keep doing that For you guys doing that I love that What we know we're opening That's kind of cool

And you know The animations and shit It's hilarious The photoshops are incredible We loved all of them They're so cool All that And we'll eventually post all that

So whatever you If it's quality We'll post it We don't give a shit Yeah and Can I read one? Let's read one Just to encourage people

Hit me And then I gotta hear Your news story I don't think I have one actually I fucking forgot one Let me see Oh okay I don't think I have one

I got a bit I'll do a bit But Alright Let's see Oh okay I don't think I have one I got a bit I'll do a bit But uh Alright Let's see Angie G From Angie G Hello gents

I had one pet peeve For a few years now And I hope that you'll agree When people rapidly Self-announce themselves As empaths What does that mean? Like they have a lot of empathy

Oh okay Did I mispronounce it? Empaths Empath? Empaths? Empaths Empaths, sorry I think it's a huge sign that you're talking to a douchebag If you're intuitive and I think if you were

If you were intuitive and compassionate I think she meant to say to the people around you People would discover that by being around yourself You don't need to announce it Comically, the people that say that about themselves Are the most oblivious and self-centered ones People would discover that by being around yourself. You don't need to announce it. Comically, the people that say that about themselves are the most oblivious and self-centered ones. Much love, Angie G. from NYC. She wrote, wow, how redundant.

I meant announce themselves. LOL. Oh, there we go. I completely agree, Angie. I agree. Yeah, it's like people who are like, I'm my own worst critic. And we're like, are you?

Let's fucking give it to them. It's annoying. Yeah, because I hate you way more, I agree. Yeah. It's like, it's like people who are like, I'm my own worst critic. And we're like, are you, let's fucking give it to him. It's, it's annoying. Yeah. Cause I hate you way more. I bet, you know, but it's like,

I completely agree. Yeah. And people that are like, I'm very empathetic. I remember I went on a date with a girl once and she was like, nonstop. Like, she's like,

I fucking, I got to go to, she's like, I'm going to go to Africa. I'm going to like, really, I want to see human suffering. I was like,

you should look at my face On this date That's human suffering Exactly Yeah yeah Just do it Enough with the talk The talk is over compensation

Because you know You don't do it Why do you think people do that? They fucking They're just like I need To like announce that I'm a great person Yeah yeah They just want you to think they are.

Cause I think they know they're not. So they can maybe convince you that they are. It's like the guy who's like, gay guys are gross. They're going to hell. And you're like, I think you're blowing dudes. Why?

Why is there so much energy behind that? It's because there's something internal with you. Yeah. I think you're right. I think that's what it's because there's something internal with you yeah i think you're right i think that's what it is it's like it's a weird thing where you're like i don't even know if they always know though i think they're kind of like right i think sometimes they're just like no i'm like a healer i think being a healer is like something people are very i'm like i know i'm like i get i feel pain in other ways and it's like well you don't feel my pain and you're

talking to me so i don't know if you know if you're feeling that much ways. And it's like, well, you don't feel my pain, and you're talking to me. So I don't know if you know if you're feeling that much pain. It's like that old joke from the show Seinfeld where George is at the diner with Jerry. He's like, yeah, one of my talents is I can sense the slightest human suffering. You getting anything right now?

Fucking perfect. Perfect. Perfect. So true. Yeah. But just don't announce. Just do. Enough with the announcing. Just go. My brother went to the Peace Corps in Africa for two years, helping African people in a village learn French and math and all these things. Never brought it up.

Never talks about it. Never posted about it. Just did it. Yeah. I think that's how you do it. Although that's not the way anymore. I mean, think about it no the amount of posting people do the amount of like it's just posting and boasting man like look

what i fucking did and it's all about like i'm a i'm a great person that's what it really comes down to is like it social media has the addiction of likes has really brought out the worst in us which we've talked about a million times but like it's brought out to the point where you're like, this is a brag sheet. Yes, yes, exactly. And we don't even know if you did do this or you actually do feel that way. This is just what you're putting out.

This is how you want to be perceived. I mean, it's the old adage. I don't even know if it is old, but I might have made it up. It's like, if you do a good deed and don't post about it, did it happen? You know? Yeah, that's true. I mean, there's like that woman.

There's that fucking viral video of that woman, that really hot white chick who just gets out of a car, takes a photo at the Black Lives Matter thing, and then just gets right back in the car. Yeah, with the drill on the plywood. That's the most telling 2020 this is who we are as a person summed up in one piece of shit video. I could tell it was extra

bad because I am a great empath. So I could tell that it was awful. Yeah, there you go. That's so true. Yeah, it's like the model. There was that model in Manhattan who went around with a BLM. it's like the model There was that model in Manhattan Who went around with a BLM It's like onesie on And she looked super hot

And like all these black people Were like, fuck you You're not helping Get out of here It was great It's so That person gets That person just gets yes-handed

Every day of her life I know If you're a model It's just all day Like you're the shit You're great So it's like It day, like, you're the shit. You're great. So it is funny,

like, with a big group, being like, no, boo, fuck off. That's the only time you get like that. Because one-on-one, no one's going to fucking tell that. I mean, maybe a couple people, but like, you know.

Yeah. Chelsea Handler, do a documentary about white privilege. Great idea. That'll click People will enjoy that Meanwhile

We send our specials To Netflix And they're just like Here let me just Pour some fucking diarrhea On your fucking tape Right there Let me just

Dump some diarrhea On your special Exactly That's good stuff Oh yeah You got a bit? Let's try a bit Fuck

Should I try one that I'm like I can't crack One of them I just came up with Which one should I try? Hey I'm down to hear both Alright I'm down Alright let me try the first one That I just came up with

It's like So This woman heckled me the entire set You know Drunk, annoying, heckled me the entire set you know obvious drunk annoying heckled me the entire show and of course afterwards slid into my dms and uh and my friend said do not have sex with her she doesn't deserve it and i was like oh yeah i like that you're assuming that sex with me is a reward i like that you think like i've never pulled my pants down and been like it's your lucky day feel free to collect you know that's part of it and now i'm thinking like there's more

that that's like something there and i think there's something more about like the idea of like i get like uh with a joke or fucking afterwards i get the same sound i get a wonk wonk that's like maybe a tag but the first part is like I think there's some Meat in the idea of like Yeah this is not A reward for like this is not good for her Yeah This is further punishment

I was gonna say this is more of a punishment than a reward So like I will fuck her Because she heckled me the whole set That's how I'll get back at her by fucking her And you know not getting her off or whatever it is Not satisfying her Although I don't want to give her too bad performances in one night Well, if she stops interrupting

It could be good That's the other thing, it's like you were bad At my best You think she's going to be well behaved while I'm fucking her? Ah, you're right She's going to be on top of you, like you suck You're not good at while I'm fucking her Ah right She's gonna be on top of you like you suck You know you're not good at this I'm bored

I'm like can someone throw her out I'm like fuck it's just me Alright No that's great And also there's something to the fact she's heckling you And then wanting to fuck you So you're like God damn that's weird

Yeah what the hell you were mean to me You were rude to me you ruined my show And then you're like God damn That's weird Yeah What the hell You were mean to me You were rude to me You ruined my show And then you're like It was only because I liked you You know It's like It's like a kid at a schoolyard

Punching a girl on the shoulder And the girl's like What are you doing It's negging He likes you That's what women do They neg I mean young people do

Yes Women will neg you now I had a bit about it In one of my specials It was going to be hard to top Because it was like Fucking boom boom boom But like there was something about for me at least but like there was something about uh there's something about like negging i remember talking to this girl and she was like i feel like i'm funnier than you and i was like oh okay like i'm just like all right

whatever she's like because i feel like i'm like like i feel like i'm funny i was like oh okay do you and she was like yeah so far i think i am and And she was like, yeah, so far I think I am. And I'm just like, what do you think? Do you think I'm just like, this isn't last comic. I'm like, how do I wow her in two minutes? You know what I mean? Like, what do you think this is? How unbearable would I be if I was just like, I'm on. Yes, good point.

And also, I don't know if you feel this way, but when a woman is nagging me, I'm like, this is a dumb dude move. You should be better than this. You've seen idiots hit on you your whole life, and you're going to pull the same horse shit? You should know better. You're a lady. You're a woman. You guys are smarter, and you guys are, or whatever you want to call it. You've been hit on more, so you should know the bad moves, and now you're doing the bad moves.

It sucks. You're totally right. I mean, yeah, it's one of the things where it's like, well, so you should know the bad moves. And now you're doing the bad moves. It sucks. You're totally right. I mean, yeah, it's one of those things where it's like, well, they're just shitting on you. They're just like, oh, like, what are you thinking? I'm like, were you thinking of a joke? I'm like, no, I'm thinking of like a polite way to say that your opinion is not important to me. And I don't care if I see you again. That's what I'm trying to find a nice way to say.

I don't care for you. I't know i get what what do you say i yeah it's a tough spot and yeah it's hard as a comic in that way because like look we're flattered this girl's trying to talk to us it's cool we'd like to talk to a lady but when you're kind of being like why aren't you funny now and be funny and you're you're you suck i'm funnier than you you're. I don't know what to do here. Should I just insult you? That's going to ruin it. It's a weird spot. I want to be nice, but you're also annoying.

Tell us the second we get off stage. Why don't you do your job the second you finish your job? Right. Exactly. I don't think any other job has that. It's one of the things where I'm like, I'm talking to you. I'm being polite. I don't know any other job has that Yeah It's one of the things where I'm like I'm talking to you, I'm being polite I don't know what to do here

It's been 11 seconds, what do you want from me? Another act? Should I juggle? Come on, we're talking here It's so weird, also, you've seen our acts We're not like fucking We're not Jim Carrey We're not like

These are bits, we're fucking jim carrey we're not like but you know we're like fucking kind of like these are bits we're fucking trying to observations or thoughts we're like you know and like you'll make the act you just won't be around to see it you know that's that's good and the the easy joke is like well what do you do and she's like i'm a date entry and you're like all right well how about you type some but you know whatever but like why can't why can't i just have a moment i still got gotta be funny And like, also, I am funny But now you're putting me on the spot It's like saying to a stripper

Hey, I met a stripper at the mall after her set And she's not wiggling on a pole You know, like That I actually We're at a bar That I do take issue with, actually That I find to be, no But, yeah, no, you're right, man

What do you got for a bit But no That's really interesting And I'm excited to hear How the date went But Now this one Is a little spicy

So hang with me here Folks True story Bring it So The whole point of the joke Is I hate when you make a joke About a specific person

And they think you hate the whole group you know like you make an oj joke you're like what are you racist you're like i'm making fun of a murderer you're making this a black thing you know uh so this this trans woman came up to me after a show and she's like you suck you're not funny i hate your act or whatever she said and i was like geez so i was like well pissed. So I was like, you look like a man. And of course, she flips out and she's like, you're transphobic. I'm like, no, no, no. You hurt my feelings, so I knew that would hurt yours.

It has nothing to do with your group. And I was like, do you hate all comedians? She was like, no, just you. And I'm like, well, that's how I feel. And that gets a laugh. But it's true. It's like you're super. I don't hate all trans because all trans aren't as mean as you.

You're fucking mean. How come you can be mean to me? But if I'm mean to you, you know, I hate the whole group. You went straight for the thing you thought would hurt her the most. Yes, that's it. I don't mean any ill will towards the group. What was her first line again? Say it again

You're not good at comedy, you're not funny Something in that world We both went to the first thing that we thought would hurt the other person the most Exactly I think that's the angle Because that's interesting to me You're like, well you identify as I identify as a woman

Why identify as a comedian? Yes, as a funny guy As a funny guy To me that's the angle We both said the shittiest thing possible Right right You can call me ugly or stupid Or gay whatever But comedy I care about

Just like you care about Transitioning or whatever the fuck Well you should say you should say she's like you say i put a lot of work into being a comedian she's like i put a lot of work into uh being a woman you go 15 years exactly that's great that's great i'm using that use it that's great yeah have you been on one of them on tv i mean i know you're not transphobic so i think to me it's funny, the idea of going after a particular person.

I think there's more even there. That's progress, when I can go after a particular person and mean nothing malicious to a group. That's progress. No. I don't care about the group. I'm worried about her. And she's worried about me. She doesn't hate all... She likes comedy.

She just hates my act and that's how i feel so yeah you're right i went i went for the jugular because she went for the jugular yeah so i'm treating her equally and there's some line to be had about a jugular yeah that adam's apple could take a take a hike too but yeah so she went for my jugular i looked at her jugular looked a lot like my jugular. We had the same jugular. Yeah. I met one person.

You make it worse. Right. But you're right. I think it could kind of because obviously it's a dicey bit and it's a touchy subject. Sure. Trans stuff, because I get they go through a lot of shit and discrimination and all that. So like I get that that is I'm walking a tightrope here but the point is like you said it's about the jugular i'm just trying to hurt you because you hurt me and i'm treating you just like a regular

old person not like some weird thing that sounded bad trans bits trans bits are always tricky like they always you walk that line of a groan And then you also walk that line of like Did I get too hard of a laugh Like I think that's You know what I mean Where you're like Oh they're laughing

Right So you're kind of like Is this worth it I think if you make this enough about you It's worth it You know what I mean Right Where like

I remember at a bit Where something like This woman was like Oh it's tough for like a woman like me but it was like she's like a beard and i was like but you're a guy though it was years ago whatever and uh yeah i wasn't i didn't know as much about them and she was like uh excuse i'm a woman and i was like oh i couldn't tell i'm sorry and she was like yeah well like you fuck and she kind of got like really pissed at me blah blah and then i was like all right i can see that

you're a woman now because you're furious at me and I have no idea why So I can tell that you're a woman, you know? And that bit would fucking It would kill or it would get You know what I mean? I'm butchering the setup But you get what I'm going for I get it, yeah, I get it I'm into it, but yeah, I can see I feel like times have changed so much

That that's a different joke now Exactly, this was years ago I also had a thing where it was like I remember I met A woman after a show I said tranny in a joke Probably like six years ago I didn't know it was a slur

This woman came up to me after a show And she's like we have a trans kid The show is really good She was so cool about it She was like yeah it's a slur You can probably really good She was so cool about it I was like She was like Yeah it's just you know It's a slur And like You could probably pull that joke off

Without saying that And I was like Cool Like that You don't get like Feedback like that often Where they're like Hey just a heads up

Show was good This is like Here's a little tidbit And I'm like Perfect Got it Yeah And we want to know too

Because we don't want to sound like Bobby Slayton out there You know We don't want to sound like Bobby Slayton out there. You know, we don't want to sound like some fucking bigot or something. We we'd like to get a laugh. And this goal of like offending people, I don't get. I want everybody to have a good time and get it and whatever. But like so that's a helpful, constructive tip. One of my favorite Bobby Slayton moments is he was on. I was listening to him on Marin and he told this story about how like he is like talking about how we do this bit where like a woman would get up and go to the bathroom and he would grab the stool and sniff it.

And Marin was like, yeah, I feel like a lot of comics have done that. And Bobby goes, yeah, but I was the first one to guess the year like it was a bottle of wine. That's that's hilarious. that's the part he's proud of that's great that's great made me laugh so fucking hard guess the year i guess the year sniffing vagina is like a dying art thing like remember this the finger sniff The panty sniff, the stool sniff That was a big part of comedy and humor It wasn't a thinking man's gag No, no, no

Definitely not Mort Saul wasn't doing a stool sniff It did make me laugh I'm not going to act like that gag That gag is not, yeah, I mean shit This is comedy gold I don't care who you are You see Charlie Kaufman do that You're laughing Yeah, I mean, shit. This is comedy gold. I don't care who you are.

You know, you see Charlie Kaufman do that. You're laughing. Fuck, Charlie Kaufman's such a genius, man. Oh, genius. Genius guy. We watched Being John Malkovich recently, and like, it's just fucking good. You know what he's got? He's the best at, you know when you're really high or when you're in some kind of zen meditative state

and you're going into these crazy chasms of your brain? You're like, keep going, keep going. He's got that. He can go into these crazy creative chasms and then still write it. I go in those chasms and I slip out of it and I go, whoa, what the fuck was that? He can still hold on to it.

I'm with you. I think I get scared. I think I get trapped It's something about How he goes through these Some of those holes Also the fact that he's just like John Malkovich is just like boys with Charlie Sheen in that movie

It's so fucking random And funny That movie just rules It's just so fucking weird Oh man, Catherine Keener In that movie, so hot Sexy That movie just rules It's just so fucking weird But oh man Catherine Keener in that movie So hot I know I wonder what that was

Cause she's not hot in other things really But she is though kind of She's just like She's a great actress so she just knows how to Be whatever she is I saw her on a flight once And I just panicked Cause I got out of the bathroom

And she was right there And I go I love you And she goes Oh my god thank you I was like Oh you're the best Sorry

And I just like Walked by I just panicked She seems like a real She seems so She just seemed like A nice person Yeah yeah

She seems like a real person More than like You know you meet I don't know Like Carmen Electra We mentioned her I feel More than you meet Carmen Electra I feel like if you meet her She's going to be like, oh jeez, alright, whatever

Thank you, she probably gets it all day long But Keener feels like a real person Anyone who fucked Dennis Rodman You probably are not going to be as easy to hang with Yeah You guys are demons Part Native American Carmen by the way. Carmen Electra?

Yeah, I feel like anytime somebody's really hot, there's a Native American thread in there. Interesting. That's an interesting theory. Oh, they're just so interesting. Look, I've been doing a deep dive on Native Americans on YouTube because I watched that new Tom Hanks movie. Is it good?

News of the World. It's okay. It's a little different than I thought it would be. I went in thinking this and it was that. But it's good. It's good. It's a western type. I heard the book is really good. I can see the book being better because it's a lot of like, it feels like eight different movies in one and they had

to make it work. So it's heavy but it's good. Fuck, Tom Hanks rules, man. Oh, yeah. I feel like the last great To make it work So It's heavy But it's good Fuck Tom Hanks rules man Yeah Oh yeah You know What's the I feel like the last Great western I saw

Was probably Like the True Grit remake Was solid I thought That was a good Yeah I'll tell ya 310 to Yuma's amazing Never saw it

Oh dude You would love that The remake or the original The remake Okay And then Tombstone is great Tombstone's cool Unforgiven is great.

Unforgiven. Yeah, so there's a couple great Westerns out there. Wyatt Earp is pretty good. Didn't see it. Pretty good, pretty good. But yeah, Native Americans, man. I think we have a weird warped kind of perception of Native Americans. What do you mean?

Well, first of all, everybody's like, oh, we wiped them out, we killed them. But it's like, yeah, that's true, but they also killed us all the time randomly. Like, if you lived in Texas, it was just kind of normal that like, oh, my baby was kidnapped and my wife got shot through the head with an arrow.

You're like, all right, well, we should move or we should, you know, like... So they were nuts, but they would also kill each other. And that's the other part no one talks about. Like, we act like they were these peace-loving, pipe-smoking, you know, TP chanting, but they would kill the fuck out of each other, too. So, like, some of them hated some of them,

and they would hang out with us. Like, we got to watch out for those Choctaw. They're fucking wild. But we'll hang out with you, and we want you to protect us. It's pretty interesting. This podcast took a turn, man. Well, I got no beef with them. I'm just saying.

It was a wild time. No, for sure. Dude, we got to do a Patreon, too. Should we wrap up? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Yeah, we're going long here. We're going long, but I mean, I could talk to you for...

All right. I've been drinking here. Yeah, yeah. Let's do a Patreon. This is a fucking banger. Well, remember to subscribe on our Patreon as well, which is just patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. Follow our new Instagram at we might be drunk.

Follow both of us on all The socials and shit yes Watch our specials I'm in Jersey this weekend Stress Factory February 4th through 6th Mark what do you got going On man I'm doing a soul Joel coming up Royersford PA it's a

One of the better outdoor Situations going It's great Yeah, really fun I got some good nights coming up in Raleigh That's in a few Funny Bone in Dayton So if you're in the Syracuse Funny Bone That's gonna hurt

That's gonna hurt your soul What's that? That's gonna hurt your soul I know, I'm not looking forward to it Good people, come out We gotta drown out the fucking weirdos and pillheads. No, we're grateful for it.

We're grateful for all the listeners to this. I feel like this is new, but people are listening, people are liking, and that's great. Yeah, it's hitting a nerve, and there's a lot of drunks out there, and a lot of ex-drunks, and we love you all, and keep drinking, keep listening, tell a friend, get on theunks. And we love you all. And keep drinking. Keep listening. Tell a friend.

Get on the Patreon. And email us at one more drink with Mark and Sam at Gmail. And remember to label which one you're throwing us. A wreck, a pet peeve, a joke, whatever. But, man, I'm loving these. So we really appreciate you. And, yeah, follow the Instagram. Cool, man.

Thanks for listening. Thanks. Thank you.