We Might Be Drunk - Ep 81: Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 27, 2022

We got the great  @Tom Segura  on the pod tonight. Pick up his new book on Amazon: https://tinyurl.com/SeguraBook Check out all his podcasts at  @YMH Studios  Join us on Patreon at http://Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod Merch at http://WeMightBeDrunkPod.com Support the show and get 20% off with the code DRUNK at https://SheathUnderwear.com Support the show and get $20 off your first purchase with the code DRUNK at https://Fanimal.com Support the show, quit smoking naturally with Füm, AND save 10% by using code DRUNK at https://www.breathefum.com/DRUNK  

hey hey folks here we are we might be drunk we're really doing it the bartender's late but fuck him he's a rabid raging alcoholic uh we gotta we got a guest today tommy segura what's shaking fetty what's up man good to have you we're pumped to have you man we're just talking clubs before we're rolling just talking i mean so you'll still hit clubs when you are working out the hour? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's what I did for this current hour. I mean, I kind of did it for, I would have done it more continuously if it wasn't for that 2020 thing that happened.

But it was, yeah, it was all like club weekends and then building, building. And then you go like, all right, I can take it to a theater show now. But yeah, that's the way to do it, I think. Are there certain cities that you want to hit every time? I saw you in Lexington once. Actually, I enjoyed that. That's a great club. Yeah.

Coming off Broadway. That's it. Yeah, that's a good one. I love doing the Ice House, like I told you, in Pasadena. That's a good one um i love doing the ice house like i told you in pasadena that's a good one then there's like clubs that you just you personally have so much comfort in so like uh the brea improv for me is where i like first did a feature set whoa what did you feature for uh actually the very first time was cosby i got I got promoted during the weekend. Oh, bad host?

Well, had a rough go. Okay. It was a tell. Wow. Yeah. What? Yeah. Wow.

Holy shit. Well, that's got to feel good to get promoted. Yeah, it was. With a tell. Yeah. The king. And I was like super fucking like a child. Like, you know, like a kid with like LeBron. I was like staring at him.

He's like, do you ever blink? Like that, you know? Yeah. Green room and like. He gets more shout outs on this podcast than I think any comic. I have a fucking like whole chapter about him. I've told your story, that actor thing. I've told that on this podcast. Have you heard that? I think I told on this one. actor thing i've told that on this podcast that's such

have you heard that i think i told on this podcast i don't think we told on this podcast well i'll let you tell it because it's it's so good oh yeah because so i so that weekend i got to end up featuring for him and it was my first time featuring a weekend for the improvs and for anyone and i was like you know i was like i'm a feature now. Like it was amazing. Right. And then I started to get work from them like that. And then the next year, so like a year has gone by, I get a call, I'm working a day job. They're like, Hey, do you want to work like this coming weekend at the improv and Bray?

I was like, yeah, sure. They go, you've been requested. And I was like, Oh, by who? And he goes, sure they go you've been requested and i was like oh by who and he go and they go david tell and i'm like wow no right so i was like fuck yes so i'm working the weekend and i'm like now i'm a little more confident and i start you know where i think we do like thursday show and then after the first show Friday, we're in the green room. And he was like, you don't have like a, you don't have 20 new minutes. I was like, what? And he's like, I mean, you did some of those jokes last year.

And I was like, oh, yeah, I guess. He goes, I mean, do you want to be like an actor or something? Oh, my God. From him. Hearing that from him. You did tell this. That is brutal. And I was like, I mean, kind you want to be like an actor or something? Oh, my God. From him. Hearing that from him. You did tell this. That is brutal. And I was like, I mean, kind of, yeah. But then I was like, fuck.

I mean, yeah. Yeah, it was like, I mean, it makes you right. What a favor he did you, though. He did like multiple favors. Yeah. That's also the weekend where I was like, you know, everybody, everybody at that time, so this would have been like 2006, everybody was putting out albums. Albums were still like a hot thing. And it was like they were, you know, Comedy Central Records and all these like record companies and comedians were just like, that was the thing.

I've got a new album. Oh, yeah. And he was like almost most famous for Skanks for the memories which was yeah an album yeah so every comic talked about that album so i was like yeah i uh i'm thinking i go i'm wondering if i should put out an album you know like i think i wonder if i should record an album and he's like fucking you know smoking yeah and he goes do you have an hour you love and i was like uh no he goes He goes, do you have an hour you love? And I was like, no.

He goes. But then I thought about it and I was like, oh, yeah. And I didn't record anything for another four years. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I definitely wasn't ready then anyway. But it was like, if he hadn't said that or I hadn't heard that from someone, I probably would have been like, I should probably do something. Yeah. And I just feel like.

It's like from a dude who cares. Yeah. And it's like a great. You wouldn't be that blunt someone i probably would have been like i should probably do something you know yeah i just feel like this is so it's like from a dude who cares that's yeah and it's like a great and give a shit it's a great uh exactly um but it's also a great thing like when someone's like i wonder if i should record it's like do you have an hour you love right now yeah like is it ready yeah you know because people want the glitz and the glam the glory and the clicks hey good for you man but it's always too soon i feel like especially now now well now it's like people are putting up like their first set you're like i know this is crazy i'm sure you get it uh too where like people send it to you they're like hey will you watch this you don't want me to you're like dude i don't want i really don't want to watch this you want

me to watch it less yeah right i'll watch it in four years when you hate it too yeah yeah and then we can have a laugh about it. Right. Right. Yeah, Tell is, you know, he's all of our favorites, whatever. But like still to this day, I think, all right, I think he respects me now. And he'll see me and he'll go, hey, you got anything new? And I'm like, so now I have to do a bit to you.

And so then I'll do like one and he's like, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, ah, come on. He doesn't give. No. But, you know. And the craziest thing was that when, so I did, back in September, Pete had this like fundraiser show, September 11 thing, right? Where like, and it was like. Yeah, at the Garden.

Yeah. So it's all, it's all these comics on it, right? And then it tells on there. He fucking had had the most he brought out a recorder yeah yeah but then backstage it was so funny because we're all everybody is like i tell right he is sitting there fucking joking with everybody yeah like trying to make you laugh the entire time right backstage and i was like we're all just sitting there like, the fuck? Yeah. You know.

I was like, should we be trying to do this, too? Right. No, it was just him. Yeah, but he's tough, too, because, like, one time we were on the stoop at the cellar, and he's smoking, and he has that filter on his cigarette. And, like, I watched three people come up and go, what is that thing, Dave? And he goes, apparently it's a conversation starter. And we're all like, oh, shit.

Because he just knows how to get you. You guys probably have the same thing I do where like you kind of like have the built-in belief in the hierarchy. Sure, sure. So like I don't – like I'll try. I'll be like, oh, cool, to like a guy 10 years older than me. But I don't feel like we're peers no same way for sure no we have a lot of respect for the i mean look i mean look at the woman we you know we we yeah we love comedy yeah yeah of course we're we're nerds yeah i mean a tell is still a dude

i'm like i saw him in high school at caroline's wow did you really yeah i have a little playbill that he autographed wow i was a dumb kid it was like david tell it's the greatest so uh no we still feel we talk about we still feel weird that we know him yeah we don't ever want to overstep we think right right the greatest ever yeah yeah but what about this one what if you see a guy who's 10 years old or whatever but you don't respect his stuff that's totally different that's totally different that's totally different then you're like hey what's up man yeah yeah that's true if you don't respect them yeah hey what's up man beer jew hey how are you beer jew good good what are you making today today we're doing uh some bodega cat whiskey sours oh this is our whiskey by the way yeah we

market our own we're trying to sell a booze here. Yeah, Bodega Cat. You guys, like this is yours? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're going for it. We're going for it. Unlike Ron White, we didn't quit drinking.

16 months. Way to go, Ron. Hey, good for you. That's good. He's trying to stay alive. Yeah. Good for him. Yeah, once your hair is that white.

Yeah, but beautiful head of hair on that motherfucker. It's un-fucking-believable. It's like romance novel like fabio's hair yes dude exactly kreischer though he's he's going the hair uh everything else yeah well i didn't want to get the family neglect but yeah look at that oh my j God. Jesus Christ. Like a Southern Fabio. Yeah, it really is. Damn, yeah, he's got a great head of hair. It really is great. Drunk in public, talking about albums, that's one of the best albums ever. Yeah.

So solid. He's a great guy. I met him for the first time like a month ago, and he couldn't have been cooler. Yeah, he's like the OG. You're talking about Storyteller? Yes. He's like the OG Storyteller. Oh, Tater Salad.

When that came out, that blew the roof off. Yeah. So when you were doing these clubs, what other cities were you at besides Bray? I know Bray is a classic. Yeah. Anything else? Let's see. Dean, I'll do like, I think I did Dayton, you know, because it was like out.

I think I did Dayton because it was out. It's like you want to do kind of club you know, almost like go into secondary markets more, I think, because you want to save your primo markets. Oh, yeah. I'm hitting Fort Wayne, Indiana this fall. There you go. That's how to do it. Tough room.

Yeah, the Lexington room. I'm trying to think of the other ones. Comedy zones? I've done those. Lexington Room. I'm trying to think of the other ones. Comedy Zones? I've done those. I did, like, the Omaha. Oh, Bunny Bone. That's a good one. That's a solid club.

Really good club. It's one of those chains, but it's like a mom-and-poppy version. And they have, like, a built-in great fan base there. What about, like, are any uh cities or clubs never again oh yeah yeah here we go wuhan what are we thinking uh i don't want to go to erie um oh i died in erie that's a clean room isn't it last laugh they want you to be clean jokers juniors juniors last laugh yeah that was it i did it, and the guy was like, you got to be clean. I'm talking squeaky.

And he hosted. He went up, and he was like, so I was fucking my son in the ass. What the hell? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't have to be clean. That guy, they were fucking. It was because they sold it, though, so it's not the same owners now. Okay.

So that clean thing came from this woman who bought the club, and her husband would work the bar, and he would like pull you so you gotta be clean you're like you guys have said this like eight times man yeah and then i remember i did a set where i worked clean i did a clean 45 or whatever it was then and then when i got off stage the lady goes did you say penis oh right i go i go what she goes one of the servers said that you said penis i go isn't that the proper way to describe the anatomy she was like i guess like that and i was like wow wow i guess i mean it was just a nightmare and then what a penis i asked him i go has anyone ever like said

they're gonna work clean and then just ghost and they were like yes i've seen that a lot it was jb smooth so he said that he was like yeah all, all right, all right, all right. And then he goes, all right, you ever know like a motherfucker? And he just starts like, motherfucker, motherfucker. And he said he gets off stage. The guy goes, what are you doing? And he goes, what? He goes, you said motherfucker like a thousand times.

And he goes, man, you can't put handcuffs on me, man. He's like, we just had this. So they fire him. They go, you got to go. Wow. Wow. Yeah. I opened for him once at caroline's i don't know obsessed i don't know if i've laughed that hard in my life uh but he was sweating so he did a whole bit about fucking a girl like uh doggy style and first of all he comes

out to you know and it's all jews all like new y who love Curb. Twelve minutes in, they just start walking out. Because they're like, what the fuck is this? It was so filthy. And I was loving it. It was not like Leon is a squeaky clean character on Curb, though. No. But there were their ants. I don't know.

You just saw a bunch of yarmulkes filing out. It was great. Jeez. The exodus. Yeah, I've heard that one's tough. I remember Joe Mackey usedodus yeah that one i've heard that one's tough i remember joe mackie used to do that one he was that's uh are there any others that you're like that's just rough uh as far as like shit clubs yeah man i'm trying to think of like places i would you try to block them out you know yeah he's like there's like these depressed

communities one of the cedars i don't remember i think it's uh never been there one maybe it's falls or the one i'm not playing coming up where i was like i don't want like you get off you're like i don't want to do this again um yeah i just did uh tunica mississippi on this tour you know because we did like a southern room i mean it's not at the top of my i gotta go back list yeah yeah there's some that you just like the fuck is happening here yeah so i'm doing that burt fully loaded thing and you know party's like should i do this you know am i gonna ruin some of my tickets oh right you know if we go to the same cities but the cities are like bristol tennessee some town in mississippi i've never heard of and

i'm like ah we'll be fine you'll be fine yeah yeah but he sells he's selling out like baseball stadiums in Bristol, Tennessee. It's insane. Isn't that crazy for you that you were doing these? I mean, like you're a dude that we looked at. We're like, he's a road dog. He's doing it the right way. And you're selling out these like arenas now.

It is crazy. I can't believe like I can't believe that. Because I remember when we were talking about people doing arenas, like, five years ago, having these conversations and being like, oh, you don't, you can't plan an arena, like, career. You know what I mean? No, no. It's like we were just talking, like, how it just has to just happen. Right? So, and it just seems silly, like, when they go, hey, you have, here's an offer for, and when the offer comes in, you're like, to the basketball team plays it does seem crazy yeah it's crazy then we added one we added a marina

in where in denver wow so this is you see like nicole yokich's face in the locker room jokes here it's fucking crazy yeah it doesn't it doesn't feel real but the other thing that i mean you probably get this too already is like you do weirdly adapt pretty quickly to things totally you know yeah like that's what i think that's what comics do and then you start going like oh we didn't add one you know it gets boring quick not boring but it gets ordinary quick yeah you get really used to it yeah you get really used to it is it but i mean doing arenas i mean it's like a whole different thing. It's totally different. You also realize that it is the opposite of intimacy. Like doing the cellar is like very intimate, right?

You're just like any like small club, you know? And then you realize that when you do the arenas, it's like they're watching the special. Right. Because they're all like most of them are just like looking at that screen. That's true so you're you're kind of performing to the like you're not like you know what's up like man yeah just like you're just like putting on almost like you learn the lines and you put on the show right you know exactly exactly i i bombed at the kalamazoo whatever that arena is and i'm still scarred really i'm still in the shower four years later like, oh, that was bad.

Were you just like? It started late, and they were like, you got to go up now. And they were seating. They were opening for Amy, right? Yeah, Amy Schumer. And it was the worst day of my life because she goes, I'm going to give you a Comedy Central special. I'm going to produce it.

And I'm like, oh, my God, it's the biggest deal of my life. And she's like, so I'll watch. She never watched know she was in the green room getting ready so she's at the side of the stage like this and i'm just pouring sweat i'm talking you could hear a mouse queef it was 20 000 people zero noise except for like is this my seat who's that is that who had this seat are you here can i sit here you know i was like, oh, God. And you're bringing out the save jokes. Everything. Every line, you're like, this one will turn it around. I'll get something.

Yeah, I was like, should I go Michael Richards? That might get him. That might wake him up a little. I'd get some response. It was brutal. It was a fucking horrific feeling. Kalamazoo is a rough. A lot of camo hats out there.

I bombed them. There was a club there that I remember I bombed at. Home of Derek Jeter. Thank you. Hey, I'm excited. Wait, what do we got again? What is this? This is a typical whiskey sour with Vodeta Cat.

Oh, alright. Great. Awesome. I know you got a TV taping after this. We'll have a little bit. You don't have to drink all of it there. That's really good. Cheers. Cheers. Mazel tov.

Wow, that's delightful. Praise Allah. There we go. Might as well. You're taping Colbert today. I mean, I think actually the first time I met you, you were doing panel on Conan. I was doing stand-up on there. Yeah.

Was that your first time doing panel or no? I don't remember. You've done it a bunch now though, right? A few times. Not that many times. It's fun. I mean, I like it. I remember I was like, oh man, because you were really good. You were really good. I was pumped that I was following you because

you want to follow a comic. And I think, who did I go? I was out there with Lisa Kudrow on that. I remember. I love Lisa Kudrow. Yeah, she was awesome. Dude, Romy and Michelle's high school reunion. Yeah, yeah. Underrated.

Yeah, she was great. The comeback. Yeah, she's awesome. Yeah, panel is way less pressure than doing a set. Of course. It is, but also you can kind of just be, I mean, I guess they expect you to be funny because comedian, like you're following an actor usually you're in the same seat like there is an advantage in some ways you

just come out and you're like here's jokes you know yeah yeah but i don't know panel panel looks more fun it's fun it's fun i mean also but you like they do the pre-interview you know and they talk to you for like like 40 minutes and then you don't know because like the person interviewing you is laughing like it's a phone call yeah and then you don't know because the person interviewing you is laughing. It's a phone call. Yeah. And then you're like, all right. And they're like, all right.

Well, tomorrow we'll figure out what we want to do about this. And then you're like, I wonder if they – do they like the stuff that was kind of like throwaway? Where you're like, that wasn't that – what if they – what if that's what they want to do? Yeah. And then the thing that you thought was the most solid, they're like interesting so you just don't know which way because then what happens is you show up and they go we're gonna do this remember we talked about these things we're gonna do these three and you're like really you want to do those three right you know now if you just went off the beaten path and said fuck it i'm doing whatever would would they be like all right we can't have him

back he's a little probably yeah probably unless you're like a huge fucking star yeah because like gervais could probably just go out there but i got it i got it yeah i think they said that i asked one time because i did that with conan a few times uh i was like what do you do with like will like isn't like will ferrell would do conan all the time jim carrey and they were like oh yeah he'll just be like i want to wear a fucking chef's hat and gotta go with it they're like okay yeah um but you know it'll be gold yeah or like i remember because burr would go on there and just like murder oh i followed him once on conan and it was it might have been my best set ever because he's doing it was when he was doing that caitlin jenner trans bit where he's like give it a minute you know like that whole bit and i was like holy shit he's killing so hard and i was like i was pumped i was like i had a few drinks in the green room and i was it was like the loosest i've

ever been and i'm like holy shit this is like i'm saying following you if i'm in bill burr it's like the dream spot right because nothing i say is going to shock them after burr's doing a caitlin jenner bit sure yeah yeah i asked i go how does he, they go, we literally call him, right, when they're like, yeah, we want you to do Thursday. And they're like, so like, what's on your mind? And then he's just like. Women suck. All right, we'll see you Thursday. Like that.

Whoa, that's the dream. Yeah. But you, I mean, you've done it a few times. So it's like, it was Conan, one of your guys, where you're kind of like, fuck, I'm getting interviewed by Conan. There's a crowd. Like, it's different than podcasting you get this still be a comic you know he is his thing is though i think a big part of this is like you're the host you know so he's such a like a generous yeah the one you guy you want asking you the questions yeah

because he's like you know he's a comedy writer right heart so he he's really helping the bits move along. Oh, the best. That's kind of the best, yeah. I think Colbert is like that, too. Have you done Colbert? Yeah. And he was cool. Super cool.

Oh, all right. I was worried about him. You never know. You can't get a read sometimes. Yeah, no. He comes from, remember Strangers with Candy? Incredible show. Yeah, and he's like,

his roots are like improv actor. True. But isn't it kind of nice now with the way things are going? You got podcasts. You got your own studio. You got arenas. You don't really need the couch. Before, that was a make or break.

And now it's like, I'll be fine. Now it's gravy. Yeah. Now it could go horribly wrong and then we would just talk about it on the podcast for a week. Exactly. And, you know, you'd be like, I don't know, we would just make memes about it or something.

Yes, yes. Yeah. Ten years ago, it was like, oh, my God, my life is over. Yeah, you're right. Now Obama is almost like a badge of honor. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's kind of cool. When things go wrong and you have, like, this, would be like the best thing for to have after

yeah something publicly went wrong right oh i think it's the stephano bombing exactly wendy williams or something something like that yeah nick cannon maybe cannon yeah nick the cannon was having a kid so he missed the set but yeah you got to use it and then now we have the power i don't feel like we had that 10 years ago. Right. You have the power to do everything. I mean, like, I talk about you guys on podcasts how much I love that thing that started with comics finally going, oh, I'll just shoot it myself and put it up. Hell yeah. Right? And that thing has just grown and grown and grown. And it's the best thing, but it's all about, like, comedians, like, taking the ownership.

It's like, you know know it's no different than somebody wants to be a filmmaker and they're like right like dude just go shoot the thing like go make it and also touring has changed i remember because i i just did the thing with uh letterman on the couch on on netflix and yeah and he was kind of like so you just like he kind of does he's a different era so he was kind of like you know we would try to get a sitcom he was like can you explain social media to me which is like i'm like i'm telling david i'm explaining social media david letterman right but he was like yes i'm like well the money's on the road now and you can just make stuff i mean of course you know you you could do a sitcom still but it's way harder and he was

kind of like so you self-produce it he just didn't understand yeah it's it's like a whole new thing makes sense that he wouldn't like it'd be new to him yeah of course but you're right i mean the one thing i will say is like now it is on us to decide when something's ready because you have to you know back in the day with these gatekeepers the one thing is like i mean look obviously bad specials get made but you you want the most polished product to send in and now you could just be like yeah it's ready and you're like maybe it's not people will decide on youtube i guess i don't know yeah yeah yeah i mean knowing when it's ready is a skill you learn i mean is it harder for you to tell now because like your fans are die hard now you came up like a road dog good point yeah i see what you mean i think you can get

lost in um thinking that you're great easy right like if you don't have that thing in your head that goes like that's like you know but you just i feel like you the only reason you fall for it is like you got lazy right you know i mean you're you're allowing it's like being like i don't need to lose weight yeah you just know you just know you're like i need to fucking let's trim down you know you just know right and i feel like you I feel like you can be delusional about it if you want. And you know it from the stage. You know if it's all fans. The real thing is if you're doing all fans and you're kind of trying to muscle a joke in that's not working.

But you're like, I'll just keep that. That's lazy. That's lazy. You're just being lazy. that's like not working, but you're like, I'll just keep that. Like that's lazy.

It's lazy. It's being lazy, you know, but I feel like you have the, you develop, once you do this a while, you actually know when to call and be like, hey,

this is ready. Right. You can just, there's like a, you can feel it. You can feel it. Yeah. It's almost like when a girl

fakes an orgasm, you're like, I don't think that was real. And then when it is real, you're like, I'm squirted all over. Like that was, that was the one.

That was it. But yeah. But then there's some comics who are a week in who are like, oh, this is all, this bringer show, this is all real. I'm just this good. That new comic, I make every woman come. I don't think you do. I don't think you do. I don't think you do. No, I mean, I was just taping something, and it's like there's certain jokes where you're like, you're really fighting for it, and just aren't working and you just have to be honest with yourself.

I can have maybe a quick one for me, but you can't put out a whole thing for you that's not hitting you. You've got to keep cutting. It's funny, certain bits, even my director was like, that's a really good bit. I was like, but it's not working. I know, I know.

So if it's not working, I'll back to the drawing board. And you'll get it working later. And the thing is, you learn this over time, too. You can't rely on other people for it. It's got to be you. Because you can hear the guy go, that's great, and be like, see, it is great.

And let that be the deciding factor. You know what I mean? But you're the one that has to go, no. Right. Because you know more than anybody about whether it's working or not. It's the, do I look fat in this? And you want to be like, well, yeah. You should know that.

Atel told you you look fat in this. That's what Atel did. I remember Atel is so wise. And it's like comedy Yoda where it's the shortest amount of words. I remember I heard a guy complaining about not getting stuff. And Atel just said, get funnier. That's it not in a way that like you're not funny but like what else can you do yeah and i was like that's that's all you need to hear that's all you need yeah i heard um what was that rogan said he goes be undeniable that's the big one yeah i mean that's

that's a great one right undeniable yeah where people are just like this guy's fucking you know what can we what can you what can anyone say right that's what the road is it makes you undeniable yeah where people are just like this guy's fucking you know what can we what can you what can anyone say right that's what the road is it makes you undeniable because you're like is this joke funny in portland and st louis missouri is this funny everywhere you know yeah yeah i heard a bill burr talk about tony v and he was like a new comic and tony v was like this boston kind of legend guy and they're all hanging out smoking cigars and bill burr's like i don't know man i'm all about jokes but i don't want to be one of these schmoozers and network guys and i can't do that shit and tony v goes get good at it and that was it and you're like that's all you need to hear yeah yeah yeah it's a business so many funny people who put no work into the other stuff and

like you know we we started learning like holy shit there's a whole other side to this you have to yeah you have to especially now like you know 25 years ago you could i pretty much like rely on like the other people to manage you and make things happen but now everybody's like you're legitimately an entrepreneur that runs like samuel inc and you know mark norman inc and like like you you run those businesses and you can fucking you can you can be like you know what like we have a few stores open and i'm happy with that or you have to be like you know what i have to do this all that like i have to do all the parts of this i'm the ceo you have to or if you don't want to you can just be like well you know I just worry about the being funny part. And that's obviously the main product.

But if you're going to just be lazy about it, then you don't get to complain. Yeah. You know, because I remember like friends being like, you know, like really funny guys, really funny. really funny and being like hey like i i think i i think i'm gonna start like submitting to the the comedy central and the conan and stuff like the stuff that you did like five years ago and i'm like yeah yeah and they're like they're like yeah i just you just start paying attention to your career yeah these they're like yeah i just you know i'm like hey all you do like you you're ready you've been ready like ready. You have to act. I know, but what about the fact that most comics are inherently lazy?

Do you ever get worried? You have so many plates spinning. You've got a book. You've got a podcast studio. You've got the road. You've got family. You've got kids, wife. How do you do it?

Are you terrified? I think part of it is you just don't stop. You just keep going. You just keep going. Are you exhausted? I think part of it is you just don't stop. You just keep going. You just keep going. Are you exhausted? Yeah. I can't imagine because, I mean, we're beat and we don't have families. And we drink.

And we drink, yeah. But we're going to have to cut back. The way that I did this tour is not the way to do it. Why is that? Because I just signed up for way way too much like i signed up i usually like we had like a rule which was like like two weeks a month you can do whatever the fuck you want to me and if this thing just it was one of those things where it it just you know like keeps coming it built building and then it was built like way before it started right it was

like it was like down the line and then you got to it and you're like what the fuck is this and then i've gotten through you know we were all like just eyeing june we're like this will be like but then you know i was looking i was like july is insane august i have a little break and then yeah i mean i once i get to december i chill for the month of december okay and then but then next year the first four months are all international stuff that's that thank god i think they just lifted that you need a test to get back in the country for whatever reason that just stressed the shit out of me oh yeah when i was in canada the second gary veder and i landed we had to get a covid test because we were there for one night and i was like i fucking hate this i know i fucking hate

this silly yeah mexico i went to mexico um they do it yeah what yeah well it's america oh getting back yeah yeah i was like oh mexico when do they start giving a fuck they don't they don't need a bazakova test i come here illegally all right that's the next guy i know yeah and i feel like i feel like if you were positive they're like you want to do it again yeah sure all right that's what it is but that even like you're doing colbert tonight does it stress you out just like fuck i gotta take another test just a false positive you know i didn't even remember and then uh i got a text this morning like but right before i got in the car to come here and they're like, hey, there's a nurse at your door.

I was like, what? Oh, fuck. And then the nurse came in, did a COVID test. Wow. That was a sex. She was good. All right. Oh, yeah, dude.

Sexy. Light skin. Yeah. That's cool. Hey, nothing wrong with that. Yeah, dude. Oh, shit. I had a question.

Hold on about the goddamn work piling up. And now I love. Oh, my thing is whenever work is like crazy you know when you look at your calendar you're like 10 a.m phoner noon podcast three o'clock whatever and then you have four shows a night then a flight then this and that i'm like it will end that's what i always tell myself like this will this is hell and it's terrifying but it will stop at some point yeah i mean it sounds like you know real zen cliche shit but you really do have to go like here's what i'm doing like in this moment yes and today it's true yeah you just have to i do that

all the time like when we got to this special last week i was like i'm taping seven shows i'm a fucking idiot it's daunting i'm just looking at like saturday late show the second i get off i'm like i'm gonna get drunk it's gonna be easy i can't wait and then of course you don't think about like oh yeah i'm traveling the next day i feel fucking horrible deal with that at when it comes but i but i do think of like you've got to just look at the the end because i mean you're so busy you got your mom's house you've got two bears yeah you've got and then are you ever kind of like i want time to write my fucking act because like we got into this to be stand-ups yeah and there's no time to write i mean luckily the uh you know once you're like touring obviously for a bit your hour gets

into like you're like all right this is like a shaped hour yeah so it's like that right now where i'll go i'll perform it all week but i'll fly home and then we'll record podcasts all day monday all day tuesday and then i'll leave wednesday yes so it's like it is the entire fucking thing the other thing that's like i've never done really before on tour is that like we have a huge like a workout thing on the road because i think it's the only way that i would survive this tour yeah like if i was like what kind of work 10 years ago, it would have just been like, let's sleep all day. Yeah. And then eat in bed. Right. And then probably die on the tour.

But no, we wake up. The farewell tour, Tom Segura. Oh, man. Ralphie May. We wake up. Sorry. Just made it real, dude. What the hell?

Yeah, I got a problem. Supposed to make it real. I had one sip. Yeah. Oh, shit. He's drunk. Falling apart. Yeah.

Fucking hammered. He's late. It's falling apart. He's fucking hammered. He's late. It's his favorite comic. Big Ralphie fan. Yeah. No, we wake up and we lift in the morning. What? Yeah.

And then we do cardio before the shows. Oh, my God. We do like two of those. Two workouts in one day. Yeah, yeah. And who's doing this with you? I bring a trainer on the road. Wow.

That's the move. It's funny to think I'll add more work and that'll make me feel better. You know what, dude? It 100% works. Interesting. Because don't forget that I'm doing most these weeks, I'm in a new city every day. Exactly. So we'll go, it's like Baltimore.

Next thing we're in Cleveland, it's like, you know what? Are you up? Yeah. It's like, let's just go now. Yeah. So you get up, you work out, and then you're like man like you you get all those fucking endorphins whoa pump and then we're like now we go eat like a healthy breakfast then we have a window at time it also makes like the time go and then you know now I got a zoom I gotta do

this and then it's like hey it's four let's go do cardio and then it's like hey let's go to the shows and then you sleep better too I bet I mean that's that's i would hate opening for you i mean this sounds like a nightmare because are there mornings where you're like i just can't i can't do it kind of but you know some of those mornings you get like what are you fucking made of are you a pussy so it's like that's your trainer yeah respect shout out to sean nicks and then um i love this bird and you like bird is getting shit face through the night yeah you go with him you do that except you don't look like him but you fucking but i i do but i don't he doesn't do the workout shit like that no no i know he's playing frisbee golf yeah he's starting it's funny he's like he's like i'm gonna completely

change my life and i'm like okay and then he'll be like look what i did today and it'll be like i ran four miles i did a crazy he'll do like a look what I did today. And it'll be like, I ran four miles. I did a crazy, he'll do like a crazy, crazy workout. And I'm like, dude, this is awesome. Congrats. And then I see him post a story. He's like, third bottle of wine and it's delicious. I'm like, dude, you can't fucking do all that and have three bottles of wine? Are you out of your mind?

He'll post a clip and be like, that's cardio. I held the phone up. You know, that's a few calories. You're like, that's not working out but he does i will say we did europe together and i'd wake up at noon and he was on the elliptical isn't it crazy what are you doing you have a bud light in the cup holder of the elliptical it was insane it's insane yeah crazy he really is a machine it's impressive uh you still party hard like every night on the road or no not every night but uh i get one like one big night in on a you know thursday friday saturday weekend friday is usually the big one the big night out but it's now i'm getting older on this fully loaded thing you're definitely gonna throw it out i know

and then diaz is there and big jay and uh diaz is gonna give you guys all fucking stars you know i can't fuck with that shit dude i'm gonna you know what he'll do he'll do that he'll be like what are you a fucking momo and then he'll he like, you're not going to do it? Fucking. Yeah. It's like a little chick in a skirt. And then he'll cut a corner off. Eat that.

OK. You'll be like, all right. And then an hour later, you'll be like. Have you done that with him? Yeah, dude. I can't do that. Dude, I freak out. So I did his podcast.

This is like, I don't know how many, like seven, eight years ago. And freak out. So I did his podcast. This is like, I don't know how many, like seven, eight years ago. And he's like, eat one of these. I'm like, no. And he's like, why not? I'm like, because it's fucking 800 milligrams, dude. Yeah, yeah. So he cuts a corner off. Like, I'm telling you.

He's like, eat that. And I'm like, all right. Like, this literally, it's like, you could put it between these two little things. And, you know, it tastes like you're eating a crumb of a cookie or something. Right. So I'm like, this is fine. I sit there. We do the podcast like this.

By the end of it, I'm like, ah. And I don't realize how fucked up I am. Right. I'm like, all right. Good to see you, man. I go downstairs. I have my car out front. I get on. I put on car out front. I get on.

I put on the directions. And it's like, make a right onto the freeway. And I drive straight. And I was like, oh, shit. It was like, it was right there. I'm like, fuck. So I go, all right, I'll turn around. So I turn around.

And now it says, make a left on the freeway. I drive past it again. I'm like, motherfucker. Oh, boy. So then I turn around again. And as I'm pulling up to that entrance, I'm i mean i'm not doing anything wrong but i look to my left and it's lapd and i'm like like i'm just like panicked you know yeah so i instead of turning on the freeway i'm like don't get on the freeway you're too fucked up i just go straight i pull

on to ventura which is like the big street in the in the valley i pull into a ralph's parking lot and i just put the car in park and i'm like fuck and i just turn my head to the right and in the car next to me looking at me like this is dice what no way yes i swear to god and i'm like and i feel like you know i'm tripping right now yeah yeah out of my mind and i'm like there's no way i can drive right there's no fucking way i can drive so i call an uber and the you left your car you left my car at the route wow and i'm so fucked up that like first of all the uber driver is a woman which is pretty like kind of rare i guess and i'm like i'm cool don't worry and she's like what and i'm like i'm like yeah there's no way I could do this right now.

I keep telling her. I'm like, there's no way I could do this. She's like, OK. And I'm like, because I'm like super fucked up. And she's like, great. And I just keep repeating it to her. I'm like, yeah, you know. I was like, just all the turns you made.

There's no way I could handle this. She's like, all right, man. Meanwhile, Diaz is doing his taxes. He's not even phased at all he's fine and he also ate like three oh yeah and what he would do is he would you know the funny thing he would do the pockets he would talk at you for like 70 minutes straight and then i was robbing this guy and then you're like god i remember literally i got so many messages don't take the drugs oh dude i got all i got all many messages. Don't take the drugs. Oh, dude.

I got all those messages. Just don't take the drugs. I was like, all right, all right. He talks so much. And you actually feel like you're at a show or something, right? You're listening to him. And then you're so kind of mesmerized by all the wild shit he's saying. And then he's like, what's going on with you?

And you're like, after that? And then I'm like, I don't know. I just have a book out. And then you look at him. He's like. Oh, yeah. He's like zon. I just, you know, I have a book out. And then you look at him. He's like. Oh, yeah. He's like zonked. You know what's crazy is that like you're doing Colbert.

It's like we're sending a COVID nurse. We're going to take care of you. You do Joey's podcast. You're going to get drugged. Right. More people might listen to this. Oh, yeah. Crazy.

Good point. That's crazy to me. This guy's kidnapped a person. He has an Uzi. Yeah. This guy pled down from armed kidnapping wow armed that's a credit he was supposed to do 25 years damn wow yeah how do you get out of it the the lawyers they got a plea offer if he pled guilty to a lesser charge and he took it and yeah wow it's funny what we get

in trouble for you know people like he's he said this on a podcast you're like well he also put a person in the trunk he had an uzi with yeah we're not this is not the same levels we're doing this is not yeah oh you could be mad about that yeah like oh that's a comedy special. Diaz buying an Uzi. That I'd like to see in Jersey somewhere. That is crazy that you were. I mean, that scares me on these pods, like the drugs. And then you're just like, so this is just in the world now forever? This is recorded. Me fucked up.

Oh, yeah. You got that right. Us having a drinking podcast, I just realized. I mean, Colin Quinn said it. He's like, you get in trouble where you say now, and all we do is talk into microphones for the world to hear. That's it. That's weird. That's what Colin said.

He goes, this is something like, could you get canceled? He goes, yeah, all you need is Wi-Fi. Yeah. Yes. That's the Colin. I mean, dude, I watched some of his new one-man show last night. Killer. Amazing.

Yeah. Really? I mean, he's- What's the new topic or whatever? It's like- It's just, It's social commentary. It's just like the world. Social media.

Yeah, but it's, God, it's like he's so funny. He's such a smart guy. Yeah, I was just watching next to Liz at the Cellar, and we're just fucking laughing. It's like you forget how fun our job is sometimes. You're like, oh, no, I'm doing a set, and you're like, oh, no, that's Colin Quinn. I'm going to go sit and watch. Hell yeah. I mean, that's the best part.

Totally. Yeah, it is the best part. I mean, I'm still ultimately just a huge comedy fan. That's why you get into doing stand-up. You just love watching it. I forgot to tell you, Rock gave you a nice shout-out on David Spade's pod. I don't know if you heard that. I heard that, yeah.

Pretty cool. That was very cool. Was he one of your dudes starting now? Like, the biggest. Shout out on David Spade's pod. I don't know if you heard that. I heard that, yeah. Pretty cool. That was very cool. Yeah. Was he one of your dudes starting now? Like, the biggest. Because a big part of it, too, is, like, your age, right? Like, how old are you? I'm 35.

You're 35? 38. 38. Like, so I just turned 43. And so when I was a, I guess I would have been, I think, a junior in high school, Bring the Pain came out. So you're, like, I mean, imagine, you know, you're 17. Oh, dude. And so it's like, that's really like an age where you're like, you know, you've formed your sense of humor, but you're like, what is like, what is the thing?

You know, and it's like, that comes out. You're like, oh, that's the thing. That's it. Yeah. And then I'm a, what, a sophomore or junior in in college and bigger and blacker comes out and we're like what the fuck man oh yeah i remember i remember having the like the cd player and listening to i think it was roll with the new and i'm laughing my ass off and i'm i probably didn't get half the jokes i was a child but i was like this is funny i know this is funny and my mom

grabs the headphones and puts it on i just see like this look of horror on her face which is what you want which is what you want. Which is what you want. So cut to 30 seconds later, she keeps listening. I see her laughing so hard. I'm like, that's comedy. That's fucking comedy. He pushed her away and then pulled her back. That's the genius of rock.

To say I was a fan is a huge understanding. Was he your number one guy, you think? Definitely. I mean, I was doing, I could show you, I was doing a poor rock impression really on stage unknowing like you know when you start sometimes you don't know that your time to grow is white and black yeah yeah and i'm skinny in it you should see oh really i'm like 180 pull it up uh it's not up oh yeah we'll find that um i have it though i have it

but i'm like i'm like pacing the stage yeah and I got the free hand and I'm like punching with this hand and like, and I, and then people, no, people would be like, I remember someone would be like, you're very urban. And I was like, what? And I mean, this is like one year in, you know, and I'm like, I don't realize that I'm just imitating a cadence that I worship. Right. Of course.

You can't help it course you can't help it you can't help and then now like i've run into him a few times and i'm absolutely like a child you know like he goes uh he goes uh hey uh like all your stuff i always watch all your specials you know you got great stuff and i was like i'm all i i watch your stuff too yeah yeah i Yeah. I told this story before, but he directed a special I opened for, just opened. Yeah. And I had a rough one. And he never talked to me,

never spoke to me. He's one of those kind of standoffish guys, but had a rough set on one of the shows and he came up to me and he goes, and I was like, oh my God, he's coming to talk to me. And he goes,

you got to pick it up. And I was like, okay. And luckily the second set was better, but I wanted God, he's coming to talk to me. And he goes, you got to pick it up. And I was like, okay. And luckily the second set was better, but I wanted to kill myself for like an hour. And he was right. But hearing that guy say that fucking stung. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It's one of those things you'd never forget those things. Oh, never. That's like a nightmare you have. Yes. That's like a nightmare where you're like, Chris Rock is like, you're not doing well enough. I know. That's a fucking nightmare. I had chris rock is like you're not doing well enough i know that's a fucking nightmare i had a i fucking it's not the same thing but i did a show where uh the director pt anders you know he did like oh yeah oh yeah they're like oh dude philip baker hall just died by the way he did he just died 90 years

old uh bookman but boogie Nights, Magnolia. Amazing. Funny as hell in everything. Hell of an actor. So good. Like that voice. Yeah. Those eyes. I didn't mean to cut you off.

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I tell a joke that a woman stands up and goes, you should leave. And it's just, you know, I mean, it's just silent. And then I go, why don't you fucking leave? And I go, I get like you know that natural fuck off thing but you know to say that the set went off the rails is like kind of an understatement

like it was just like and then I was like where's PT and they're like I think he's still out there oh damn man that is because in your head you're like there's going to be another ensemble drama I'm going to be the new John C. Reilly

or whoever Wahlberg whoever they cast exactly dude I remember once in that club Rooster Teeth Feathers

I'm doing huge won't go back to something we were talking about really I didn't mind that one I'll tell you

oh I can't wait well mine is quick what you said reminded me of I was doing a bit that was like I guess turned out to be a somewhat provocative joke like only joke I've ever gotten death threats for but like I was working it out there so it was even worse

I was drunk at the time in the middle of the bit a woman stands up it's the alligator joke and a woman stands up and she goes, you fucking stink. And just pot and everyone just is frozen. And she just walks out, slams the door. And then a woman goes, I think you're doing great. And that fucking hurt worse.

That hurt worse. That hurt worse. I was like, that's pity. Yeah. Hate me rather than pity. Oh, yeah. You know. Yeah. Pity. Hate me rather than pity. Oh, yeah. You know. Yeah, pity.

I remember one time, small audience and a lady, there was like a table of 12 and that was like 85% of the audience. And I'm like, just like two minutes in where you're like, you know, gauging things, feeling things out, just kind of like throwing things out. She goes, come on. Oh, man. And I go, what's that? feeling things out just kind of like throwing things out she goes come on oh and i go man what's that and she was like come on he's helping you out like a toddler yeah she's like you got it yeah wow that's condescending oh my god i've never heard of that one that's another level i fucking

snapped yeah and then they leave. And then the next day the owner's like, did you call a lady a cunt? And like, I go, I don't think it went like that. She's like, that was, that was the whole show. That was them. They were the show. I was like, nah, it didn't go like that. Right.

I had to like describe the situation. There's always more to it. We're not just going, hey, cunt. Hey, bitch. Of course. Get at it. No, but if you, hey, cunt. Hey, bitch. Of course. Get at it. No, but if you don't, I've always said, if you don't have at least like a meltdown on stage every once in a while, at least in the early years, you're not doing enough sets. Like you should be melting down at some point.

Yeah. Like somebody who doesn't have a horrific bombing story. I'm like, well, you haven't done that much standup. Right. Right. Yeah. And also like it fucking every once in a while you get a bomb where you're like, oh, I feel like I stink of fish for like a week.

Oh, yeah. You feel like you're just like, wow, that was fucking insane. You can't shake it. Yeah. I remember a few like Village Lantern or those rooms in West Village where I was like, oh, wow, this is. Brutal. I remember I tried to fight a dude.

I'm like, I can't fight. Yeah. That's how far he pushed me. I was like, you and me outside. And he was like, oh, no. I just looked insane. He ruined my set. It was like six people in there.

He's heckling me. I'm like, I can't knock out a heckler when I'm bombing for six people. I just have to take an L. Well, those sets, they tap into other things in you, like childhood and how much you hate yourself and self-loathing. And then it all comes out. It all comes out. Yeah, it all comes out it all comes out yeah it all comes out what happened at rooster tea feathers it was that um it was a an exchange with like it was one of those like you know i don't know five or six show weekends sunday they're

like we don't know if we should have the show because there's like 11 people here oh boy and i was like all right i mean you tell me right and then they're like we're having it so okay and I got into some exchange with like a lady but it was one of the things were like the waitress reported it but she misreported like the exchange she did like one one version of the exchange I was like no so like the the email was from the owner and she was like I heard you know you said like I go look it started like I start telling them she's like my waitress said that you said this and I'm like you're you're hearing half of the story yeah and then she wrote like I thought and then she wrote all caps a

headliner who would know how to work like like a show like this or whatever so I forwarded at my time to my, and he was like, just don't respond. And I'm like, really? Like, this feels like the thing to respond to. He's like, no, no, no. I go, okay, well, I will never go there again. I've thought about doing it. She didn't respond.

Well, we had a back and forth for a while. But when she then started to throw that in there, I was like, I go, you're literally like one side of this thing and i go and you're not siding with the fucking comic who's playing the venue also i'm like the audience was on my side all right i was trying to tell her like how like your your server was it 11 people in the crowd yeah it was like and like the brutal by the way to end a weekend on it's the worst but i'm like the the cheering was for me yes on what i was saying to this person and she's just like i heard that you berated somebody and i'm like no that's what i go up and do is berate people that's my act did you ever record it at least dude it was so long ago i mean it i don't remember i really

don't remember it was so so long ago but damn Not a great sign for a club when they just immediately assume the headliner sucks and he's a dick. And you're like, what are you doing here? It was so long ago, yeah. Damn. Yeah, I remember that happened to me once at Comic Strip, which was like my home club starting out. But these seven dudes were shit-faced. We'd go on at the end of the night, late night, and these dudes were just fucking with me. Like just a bunch of bros being like, we're going to beat the shit out of you.

And I was just like, I mean, Jesus Christ. I was like, you fucking piece of shit. We're just going back at each other. And then someone runs back to get, like, get a bouncer in here. He's going to get the shit kicked out of him. There's seven of them. And the bouncer was like, they said they didn't do anything. I was like, you're signing with these dudes?

They said they didn't do anything. That's hilarious. You're taking their word for it? Did you ever work the Cleveland Improv? improv no i do i do hilarities always that's fucking one of my favorite clubs to me i love nick i'm made nick's the best it's dude it's the best club cleveland improv can be it's rough is that urban and uh yeah yeah primarily but uh you're doing your one rock there i was yeah but i remember I was in the back of the showroom. Yeah.

And the feature's on stage. And there's like a table, because the room has a weird layout. But there's a table like near the back of like a big table, like 12. And they're having a full conversation, right? Like full, just like, yeah, well, you know, afterwards. Just like that. And it's during the show. So I kind of i stand next to the wall one of the security guys i go hey and i point to the table like address that yeah he goes what do you want me to say i go

stop talking right and he's like i don't want to do that like Like he's just like scared. Yeah. I mean, that's one of those clubs where they have a police officer in the, like at the bar, fixed. Jesus. Like he's there every show. Saw a guy get arrested there. Wow. Because he didn't want to pay for the, it said one pound of wings on the menu. He goes, that wasn't a pound. He's like, I know a pound of wings.

He's like, I know a pound. And they're like like it's the fucking pre-frozen weight yes he's like nah and so they're like look man it's 12 bucks and he's like i'm not paying for that and so they bring him into the showroom it's like my weekend and they bring him in the into the lobby area and the cop goes he told me the story he goes i told him you can you can either pay for this or i have to arrest you and he just goes whoa went to wow got arrested what he's like the principle is that this is not a pound of weight i almost respect that dude i know that's crazy i was at the dayton funny bones years ago i had an opener black guy and this one guy was in the crowd heckling whatever and then he wouldn't pay the bill he was like you guys gave me free tickets so i thought the whole thing was free like i thought the beer was free the booze the food was free and also we got your uber home too yeah exactly

yeah i'll get your rent and your mortgage it's a good business practice yeah he's like you said free show that's a free show you know i got food drinks and they were like sir come on we're gonna have to call the police and he's like call him call him and it was getting weird and the opener paid and i was like why are you paying for this guy he's like black guilt because it was a black guy he was a black guy and he felt weird and that was the first time i heard black guilt wow interesting uh yeah that's that's weird yeah strange shout out to that guy i I thought it was going to be like, I just don't want the show to get derailed. No. That's crazy.

No, this is after the show. It's just us sitting there with that guy. Like, I'm not leaving. Call the cops. Dude, that was, I mean, some of those clubs, I remember like Hyenas. It was a club in Texas, and they basically banned me because they weren't, the show would start like an hour and a half late, and I was just, I was like, you guys can't start start like an hour and a half late and i was just i was like you guys can't start the show an hour and a half late like it was like a 10 30 show

starting like 11 40 and i was like i'm going on at 12 20 crazy you know so i was kind of like you guys gotta not do that and then i would just go up there and i would trash the club on stage and then the guy emailed my agent and was like if you you don't drop him, I'll never book one of your clients again. And she didn't have my back enough. Right. She should have had my back more. She was kind of like, you need to apologize. I was like, he needs to apologize.

You know, he said like they would do like a blowjob shot before they'd bring you on stage. It made me crazy. Ah, the worst. I guess it would. Yeah, whatever. No, I know exactly because i i told them i go you have to stop doing that yeah and they go he the manager was like he goes hey can i um why are you saying like i go you're derailing first of all it's a circus act and i go i have the feature who just killed right right and you're just ruining the momentum of this show. By this. And I'm like, this is horrible.

And he goes, I'll never forget this. He goes, you're the only person I've ever heard complain about this. Not true. I go, no. Because Rachel Feinstein called me complaining about it. I call a complaint. I mean, I made fun of it. Well, I told him, I go, I might be the only person that has ever said it to your face.

Yeah. I go, but this is horrible. And then he's like, well, well the thing is the people who do that paid like 50 bucks to do it so it covers my mc for the week and i'm like whoa i'll give you the 50 yeah like i don't also just pay your fucking comment yeah not based on a freak show yeah yeah dude i remember they were oh that drove me crazy crazy. And I was making jokes about it on stage, and he goes, this is a family business. I was like, you're doing a blowjob shot. Yeah, nightmare.

Family business? Yeah. What does that matter? So is, you know, Epstein. I guess not. I don't think that's true. That was no family at all. We had those brothers.

There you go. Family business. The Duggar? Yeah. What about that guy? I don't know. Was that something go. Family business. The Duggar? Yeah. What about that guy? I don't know. Was that something? I don't know.

Duggar? Yeah, yeah. He had eight kids, right? Yeah. That's family. All right. What time's Colbert? I don't know.

They're not picking you up? Yeah, they're picking me up. I don't remember exactly. Do you rock a suit on there or no? I brought options. I have a suit, but I have like a casual attire option too. I'll just feel it out. It feels weird doing comedy in a suit.

It does. And then I feel like I'm like, ah, you know, I feel like wearing more like what we wear or like what you have in the photo there. It just feels more like, all right, I feel like being funny like this. Yes. Right? Like in a suit, you kind of feel like, I don't know, like a banker or something, you know? Yeah. Whenever I do one of those late nights, I always have to know who else is on.

That's so exciting to me. Do you know who else you're on with? Yeah. It's the 40th anniversary of the Watergate. Oh, jeez. Stories. Woodward and Bernstein? Yeah.

What? Yeah. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. Yeah. They're fucking amazing. Yeah. Yeah. So two amazing writers, or excuse me, three's pretty cool. They're fucking amazing. Yeah. Yeah.

So two amazing writers. Or excuse me, three now. Because them and me, I have a new book. There we go. Wasn't one of them married to Nora Ephron? That I don't know. Whoa. I think one of them's married to Nora Ephron.

That's pretty cool. She's a beast. Yeah. Yeah. So that'll be... We'll see. How old are those guys now? They gotta be up there.

Gotta be late 70s, 80s. There you go. There you go.l bernstein look at that wow my second husband the one who dustin hoffman played oh really all the presidents man whoa that's exciting man that's a cool you got it you got to get a story with them yeah yeah yeah yeah well anyone any memories are like a late-night show you're on with like a really cool guest who you chat with um i mean trying to remember i saw brad pitt was at your show recently that's pretty oh yeah what was that about that was rad is that he's the coolest that is insane it's brad pitt it's the fucking craziest like we're not the type to get star trek but it's fucking brad pitt it is wild when they go um my tour manager he leans into the dressing room and he goes hey brad's here and i was like and i was like all right like because i knew it was happening

you know and i'm like and then you know he comes in he's like hey oh my god he's like dude i'm a big fan and all this and i'm like yeah he goes so this is what you do ah like because like there was like a laker game on and he's like just listen to music and watch basketball i'm like yeah ah you sound like the best person to do the road with yeah i was like until that trainer comes in yeah no that's i would i want that that sounds fucking awesome that'd be great if brad walked in you're like, can you give me a minute? Oh, no. Not now. You know what's funny?

He goes, so he's hanging out for a few minutes. He goes, well, do you need to prepare? And I go, I'm prepared. He's like, oh, okay. And then we just like, you know, they go, all right. You know, I go, I'm going to go announce the opener. This was cool, too, as like just a fan of the arts i guess is that i go i'm gonna introduce the uh opening act which is ryan sickler that night and he goes oh cool he goes i want to

watch like he didn't go i'll just wait here he's like i want to watch the whole show yeah so uh i introduced ryan and they took him to his seat yeah and it was great because it's it was february so everybody's a lot of people still lot of masks. So I was like, oh, can you go anywhere? Like, you're fucking Brad Pitt. And he goes, check this out. And he has, so his hair is tucked into a bucket hat. Yep.

And, you know, he's got like a jacket on. And then he has an oversized mask. So he goes like this. And you literally. Oh, wow. you see that and you're like oh yeah i don't know who the fuck that is and cipher goes looks like chad pitt to me i was like but yeah it was like yeah uh he uh they must have like low-key kind of like the pandemic so people that famous yeah you know i was all you ever um get have have mask on someone's

like hey mark yeah and you're like you feel like it's weird but then i was at a coffee place in la and everyone had masks on i turn i'm like oh it's ben affleck like you just wow because like immediately too like oh with my eyebrows he's masked on yeah they're gonna know yeah yeah three things i love about brad pitt one i saw him get interviewed and they said what do you like he goes my one of my favorite things is uh monty python i was like wow that's crazy yeah two when he did the the fucking Jim Jeffery show, he was the weatherman. That was great. And then the coolest, the third thing, I was watching Jackass in high school. And they push a guy in like a chicken suit or something in a shopping cart.

And he slams into a wall and the thing flips over. And the head pops off. It's Brad Pitt. Crazy. I was like, this is the coolest guy of all time you heard my marriage podcast he's just like yeah he's like he's like oh i love marin on ifc you're like this is fucking awesome yeah yeah and then like you know you see like those dudes like i was i can't help but re-watch the south park movie all the time it's my favorite movie ever probably

team america or uncut uncut oh yeah i love team america too but uncut is like my favorite movie ever probably. Team America or Uncut? Uncut. Oh, yeah. I love Team America too, but Uncut is like my favorite thing. Like the fact that they fucking stuck the landing on a musical is the dumbest thing, that it's that brilliant. But then you're just like, oh, George Clooney's just in this movie. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's so fucking hilarious. He's the reason that South Park is even in existence. I heard that. Yeah, he passed their tape around to everyone. Yeah, yeah. Clooney? Yeah. Clooney, this is like 1997. distance i heard that yeah he passed their tape around yeah yeah so like cluny yeah cluny this

is like 1997 uh he got the tape of it and was like i'll give he gave it to like the viacom people what yeah i didn't know that how many central people yeah like a christmas tape or something right yeah it's crazy yeah he's crazy he's the reason so they yeah they've always had like a connection wow how do you like that? I couldn't I thought I like couldn't like Clooney more Yeah, yeah, dude, uh, I heard this I don't know if this is true But when you did your first Netflix special it was when Comedy Central was still kind of big and were you did Comedy Central say? No to you and you were like, yeah, is that true?

Yeah, I have the I have like a whole chapter about it in the in the book but uh about the like yeah it's all about like road stuff and about like how i don't know things happen and i'm like i remember that i had done uh live at gotham which was like oh yeah i remember 10 minute set yeah that was big then i did comic central presents which was like you felt like this is like how to do it yeah because that's what we grew up on that's what we grew up all those guys and so i'm like all right i did that and then this is a few years later now so i'm like i'm like you know i was like we're talking about you're ready i'm like i'm ready to do this hour so we shoot oh well i go i want them they go they want to come see it so i do this thing. I do flappers in Burbank. Oh, quit bragging.

But it's a nice, like, small room. It's a solid room. I get it filled up because with the podcast at the time, I just have enough juice to go, like, if you want to come to this, I'll give you, like, I want it to be fans and, like, free tickets. I'm not trying to sell them. Yeah. And it's packed. And, like, I go up there. I run the hour

it goes great so i'm like and this is a bunch of people out or just comedy central people uh just comedy said like three comedy central executives come to the show and then uh you know i i talked to my manager like a couple days later i'm like what's the what's the word and they're like yeah they're like they thought it was good i'm like okay i know this call and then but like you know they didn't want to i'm like all right so then i get a deal to shoot it on spec at the time so like we'll shoot it and then shop it so again we send it to them like now it's like here it's it's shot now you know so like yeah and they and it's a little demoralizing this fucking tap dance you have to do oh of course yeah very much so and then

the craziest part was i go well the feedback was what's the theme oh and i was funny funny funny is the theme it's jokes it's a bunch of jokes yeah and then i go i started to go well what's the theme when i started to name people's spes... I'm like, what are those themes? Exactly. And then he's like, yeah. I mean, it was just, he was just like, look, I mean, it's just no. Yeah.

And then he was like, you know, HBO. I go, you sent it to HBO? Like, I couldn't believe that people at the time, at the time, that was a crazy thing to do. I was like, why would you send it to HBO? That's like Carlin. Right. And then he's like, well, yeah. And then and then you know we sent it here sent it there and he goes netflix said they would

acquire it and i was like oh that sucks because at the time it was kind of like netflix really the dvd mail thing i remember he's like he's like well burr said it's like really doing something for him and i was like all right cool like it was really like i pulled over on i was like so it's gonna be on netflix he's like it's gonna be on netflix wow and i was like all right that was 2013 holy and that really i mean that changed everything right yeah i mean it came out in 2014 i would say i remember a few it came out in march of 2014 and like in june i did I did the Cleveland Improv. And I remember at the end of the week, the guy, Lee, who runs it, he goes, I don't know why, but you hit bonuses. I cannot figure it out.

And I'm like, all right. And then- Also, people paid for their wings this time. Yeah, that's crazy. Wings. A whole pound. And then by the end of that year, I was selling out clubs. And then by the next year, we were doing kind of like rock clubs and stuff like that.

Right. Yeah. Wow. That's fun. and then by the next year we were doing like kind of like rock clubs and stuff right yeah wow and also you i heard you blew up on pandora too because you have albums in heavy rotation i mean that's how i discovered you is i would i would listen to your albums and i was like oh shit this is like this is a this is a cool way to discover comedians it was kind of like it opened the door because you know you were an old school comic where like you talk about the influence of a tale and those guys but like you were like one of the last guys i feel like i discovered from albums you're i think you're right because i used to go then you would make assumptions so people would come like i'd have a

uh you know a sold out club or something and i would i would still be like selling my cd or whatever afterwards you meet people meet people, meet people leaving. And I would always go like Netflix, Netflix, and like whole bunch of people would be like Pandora. Oh, isn't that crazy? Yes.

I did a Hattiesburg, Mississippi. This is probably 2016. I've done that. Yeah. And I was like, you know, half full.

And I was like, Hey, Hattiesburg, half full. I'm coming up in the world. And they're like, well, Segura was here last week. He sold out two shows.

I'm like, who? It wasn't're like well sagura was here last week he sold out two shows i'm like who i didn't know it wasn't a who but it was like really i didn't know you were that big to sell out hattiesburg yeah you know that was like a drive not a far drive from new orleans so that was a big deal i was like wow this guy is coming up if he can sell here yeah yeah i think that's the thing we've like now with like this tour that i'm on we really you know i i call it the i'm coming everywhere world tour and we do like uh we've done so i mean i've done on this tour so so far over 200 shows jesus christ you know i don't have many cities but it's it's a lot of cities and i've done cities i've never done before yeah and you're just like you know any pleasant surprises where you're like oh this is like a cool city

dude honestly uh a bunch but it's always like related to the show you know what i mean like because we don't really you don't do that much city exploring that's true because you're in and out you're just in and out but like you're like like i wonder how the show will be tonight and you know you're in greenville or evansville right and you're like i don't know and then you have like this kind of like rock star show you're like holy fucking shit oh yeah but i also feel like i mean i'm sure you experience the same that like when you go to the smaller markets sometimes they're like so appreciative of the show thank you for coming here yeah or like you know new york they're like yeah of course you're doing a show here right this is new york right la forget about it yeah yeah but sometimes those smaller cities like

as you said to work out you're like they're the best because they're forgiving yeah and they're like a bigger city they're like kind of there is almost a sense of entitlement sometimes like bring it yeah and you live in new York, you might know eight hilarious dudes. I feel like if you live in Evansville, there's like one funny guy in the town. In New York, they're like, yeah, we came here over Hamilton. You better fucking bring it. Yes. Yeah.

Chappelle's in town. Iraq's in town. And I'm coming to see you. And everyone in this city is like, the guy working guy working the, like the fucking door is funny. Exactly. The bagel guy is funny. Yeah, exactly. There's a funny energy about New York.

Oh yeah. I would talk about this all the time, but like one of my favorite movies ever is the original taking a Pelham one, two, three, because it's literally a hijack in the train. And instead of being like worried, everyone's just like, all right, what? You know, it's like, so New York to me. I just love that new york like energy um dude i can't believe you wrote a book this is i know i know and i um so i on top of everything you're doing you wrote a fucking book which was so much more work than i ever

would have imagined yeah and everybody told me to all comics were like don't do it yeah you know it sounds like an insane amount of work yeah and comics don't want you to have a thing we don't have yeah no but it's um it was a lot of work I'm super happy it's I I've had brought copies to like bring down all these things and then I left them all on my tour bus right before the I want to read it dude I'll send them to you I'll send you guys play on the studio yeah dude so it's read it, dude. That's comedy. I'll send them to you. I'll send you guys one. Please. Put it up in the studio. Dude, so it's like,

it's essays. Yeah, it's like stories and essays. Good one? Oh, wow. Sorry, sorry. That was good. Thanks for leaning

the other way. Yeah, that was cool. Thanks for pushing it this way. Well, I know you better. Yeah, I appreciate it. Yeah, stories and essays, yeah. And that title is because that's the first full sentence my first son said to me. Oh, that's that title is because that's the that's the first full sentence my first sunset my first

Yeah, he was like I would like to play alone please I was like, okay man What what made you go like the essay wrote over like what I'm sure people like you they came to you with a book Proposal and you were like this well, they were like, you know, they're telling me like oh comedians have written you know humorous things and i was like well they go what would you write and i was telling them like you know it's like basically stories right you know the time that this happened uh the time that uh you know i shared a condo on the road with a 600 pound man like i'm telling them these stories yeah and then they're like well write you know give us a writing sample so then I wrote I think like 10,000 words and then sent that in like different stories

and they're like yes you could do a book like this style so then and then I have like these interstitial things about flights where I've sat next to celebrities but it's all black celebrities Chris Tucker Bruce Bruce we talk about

chris tucker a lot too you do we love money talks friday rush hour my story is one it's it is one of my favorite ones because i am sitting next to him and i don't say anything to him chris tucker he's right next to me right and i'd seen him at the gate and i didn't say anything there wow and we're just sitting there like and as the plane is taking off and we're like we're both facing forward i just hear him and his you know very distinct voice he goes should i do another rush hour to himself well that's the thing i'm like he's definitely talking to like i saw him talking to the guy who's behind me now at the gate. So I'm like, he must be talking to that guy.

Yeah. And then I'm like, and then I just turn and he's just looking at me. Oh, my God. I'm like, you're asking me, dude? So I go, I don't know, man. This is like verbatim. I go, I don't know. He goes, yeah.

He goes, I was in Beijing last week. He goes, I'm walking through the streets. I see Jackie Chan. He goes i was in beijing last week he goes i'm walking through the streets i see jackie chan he goes what are you doing here i go i'm here to see you and i go sounds like the next rush hour to me he goes i think you're right and then i'm like yeah he goes yeah i'm gonna he starts and he starts like writing back i go you just consulted with me on how to do this or whether to do this was he aware of you being a comedian and all that? I tell him next. I go, yeah. I go, I did this show. Because we were actually on an amphitheater show the night before, but never met.

He closed out the first half. It was 20,000 people. Wow. And I arrived. Was this Oddball or something? What was this? It was like a one-off thing. OK.

But it was like Chappelle. And I never met him. I didn't even see him. They just were like, Chris Tucker was here. But I didn't like, since I and i never met him i didn't even see him they just were like chris tucker was here but i didn't like since i didn't meet him i didn't start by i you know i just kind of let it go yeah and then i go yeah i was on that show last night he goes what and i'm like yeah man i go i did the second half and i go i did like way later and i you know i heard you did great that kind of thing and then he's like yeah he goes yeah i got this thing on netflix i go yeah i have things on netflix he goes for real and I got this thing on Netflix. I go, yeah, I have things on Netflix.

He goes, for real? And I go, yeah. And I go, so now you're done. I go, so yeah, you're going to see like, you know, your ticket sales are going to go up. And, you know, you just got to go work out that new hour. And he's like, where? And I go, in clubs. He goes, what kind of clubs?

I'm like, comedy clubs. Wasn't he a comedian? Yeah. I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, which ones? I go, I start like. You're explaining to chris tucker i'm like telling him the that's amazing and then he goes he goes will you uh will you send me that list i go of the comedy of the nation's comedy i see him at clubs sometimes i see his poster up there really

i was just at the charlotte comedy zone and then like chris tucker's face he's like wow he gave me his phone number he's like he's like, so I texted him. I'm like, you need to go to like here, here, and here. He's like, all right. Thanks, man. Has he done your mom's house? No. You've got to get him on, dude. I know.

That would be amazing. The worst part is you ate a star and none of that happened. Yeah. It was the best, dude. Wow. That's incredible. He is one of the funniest people. Naturally.

So funny. I'm gifted. He would like be falling in Rush Hour. The noise he would yell out would be like comic perfection. He's so great. Yeah, he steals Friday. I love the bloopers at the end where he's like, Jackie. And they're like, his name is not Jackie in the movie.

He's like over and over and over. When he's on the phone, who the hell do you think you kidnapped? Kelsey Grammer? It's like, it's Chelsea Clinton. That's great. Just yelling at him. He's the over and over. When he's on the phone, who the hell do you think you kidnapped? Kelsey Grammer? It's like, it's Chelsea Clinton. Ah, that's great. Just like yelling at him. He's the best, dude. No, dude, we're huge fans.

I mean, he's- Fifth Element, he's great. If someone wants to tag Chris Tucker, we'd kill to have you on We Might Be Drunk. Please. We love you. We'll get you drunk. I used to watch Comic View as a kid, and every comic would literally do a Michael Jackson, but his was always the best

he had the best oh dude rush hour 2 and he's just doing yes they were probably just like yeah he can do michael jackson just write it into the right hand sure i forgot he's on netflix i think he's wearing a polka dot suit am i nuts pull that up if you can i think i swear to god who else any other flight people that are just- Mike Tyson? Yeah. Mike Tyson. How is this next to Tyson? Serena Williams. Whoa. Bruce Bruce.

What are you flying? Urban Air? I don't know. What is this? I fly Soul Plane, bro. What the fuck? I know. It's so crazy, right?

Oh, Jill Scott. Oh, wow. And the funniest is that I write the chapter about Jill Scott, and then at that fucking, at Pete's thing at the garden, I'm backstage, and I go, I think that's Jill Scott over there. And I had just written the chapter about her, and the chapter starts, I go, I think the first line is, Jill Scott hates salmon. Because we were on a flight, and they're like, would you like, you know, the salad or the salmon? She's like, I don't know. Salmon. And and I started talking to her about salmon.

And I was like, you really should try. I was trying to tell her how to eat it. So I go over to her and I'm like, hey, we flew together from L.A. to Nashville seven years ago. And I start telling she's like, OK. And I go, here's here's my proof that we did this. I'm not making this up. She's like, go ahead. And I go, you hate salmon.

She goes, I don't fuck with anything pink. Yeah. Wow. All right. this up she's like go ahead and i go you hate salmon she goes i don't fuck with anything pink all right maybe i was wrong with the polka dot suit oh there you're right polka dot shirt that's all i remembered sorry uh wow no salmon i love salmon i know i love salmon too dude i think i saw money talks in the theater three times. Whoa. Maybe at least twice. Yeah. One of the funniest fucking. He's outrageously funny. Yeah. I mean, he's the coolest.

Yeah. Damn. It'll be missed. I'm just kidding. We're talking about it like he's dead. He's still around. He'll be in a movie. What was your favorite part about writing the book?

Fucking being done, dude. I mean, you know what it is? I was just telling this yesterday that, you know, when you watch a special of yours, like you're doing the edit, there's like a bit you'll be like, I really like this bit. Yeah. Like you're proud. Essentially, you're proud of it. You're like, I'm very proud of this bit.

This is good. And some of the other ones, you're like, I don't know. It's the same feeling. Like with the book, you're like, this't know it's the same feeling like with the book you're like this is a good story this chapter is good i like the like the the word play like the whole thing it's funny it's engaging and then you know you're like i wish i could fucking rewrite this chapter right right or cut this one it's the same kind of feeling you know but you feel more vulnerable because you don't get to perform the way that it's received you're like it's just the written word so like when you hand it in you're like like you're like white you know like yeah

yeah just like oh are you texting lines to comics are you running stuff by christina like no none of that none of that but i'm giving it to a really great publisher editor and a book agent and like who i'm working with so much that like their notes are like it's like getting stand-up notes from a comic you're like these are really good notes yeah so immediately like i when they were like this is a great chapter i was like okay thank god because i you'd hand it and be like is this the worst thing you've ever written is there anything you read to be like this is how i i this is like the style that's right for essays you read to be like this is how i i this is like the style that's right for essays no because i i mean i i don't read a lot now like i i had you're busy as hell yeah i mean i i remember reading

um a couple of comedy like a comedian's books like a while ago and i remember reading like humor writing story and i just wanted it to be like stories that were like engaging and funny and like you know specific to the way that i write so once i was like you know telling story i got a telling a story about living in florida and going to visit someone and with my sister and then she sees something out in a field and makes me turn around. I don't want to turn around. So it's like, you know, how I write that story. And then we finally go and it's a body that was in a field. Oh, wow.

A motorcycle was like nearby. So a guy clearly. So it's like that whole kind of story. But like when I read the final draft, I was like, oh, I like this story. You know what I mean? It's like it has like elements of surprise. It's like it's good storytelling. Yeah.

And it has funny stuff in it. So like things like that would make me feel i was like oh this is what i want the book to be full of yeah stories like this yeah i mean i grew up reading sign language remember that when i read couplehood yeah underrated it's uh what's his favorite paul riser's book yeah it's killer yeah it's great i read it read it when I was like 18. David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty Long. Sedaris, I read all that. Fantastic. Those are fun as hell. I remember,

I don't remember the name of it or which one, but I definitely read a Jim Norton book. Oh, it was Happy Endings. Was that it? Great. Fantastic. Great book.

Oh, really? So funny. He's really, really talented. I love Norton. We love Norton. He's a funny guy. Smart guy. Too Fat to Fish is good.

Artie. Yeah. Artie Langford. That was incredible. Yeah, I mean, the shit about his dad is heartbreaking. I mean, Artie is one of the funniest humans ever. Do you see him still?

Do you see him around? It's been forever. He used to come around. I used to go to his house and watch My 600-lb Life and just him narrating it in Hoboken, just riffing. I'm like, I will never hear anything funnier than Artie Lang riffing on My 600-lb Life, the funniest dude. Yeah.

Dude, are you a miami heat fan no i that that was like i mean miami was kind of close to where i was in in florida but i thought you're a big nba guy no i mean i i like the nba i'm a big college football fan you were a football player too right uh i mean high school you know yeah yeah i thought you were ohio i was born in ohio oh shit but like i went to high school in you know. I thought you were Ohio. I was born in Ohio. Oh, shit. But, like, I went to high school in Florida. So, and I went to high school in Florida in the 90s. And that was when, like, Florida, Florida State, and Miami were just, like, it was, like, that was the entire, that was all of college football. That's all that mattered.

I mean, they literally. Football is your number one sport. Yeah. But those, like, those three schools were either competing for or winning the national championship. I mean, literally, 91 winning one for Miami, 92 one of them lost, 93 Florida State won, 94 I think Florida lost, 95 they won, 96. Like literally every single year they were either in it or winning it, one of the three schools. So it became like – and then if you're in high school and you're around that you're playing that sport it becomes kind of like everyone's obsession oh yeah yeah not to mention the problem you had dan marino was the guy he was even an ace ventura yeah for sure

it was what were there have you had a lot of big athletes at your shows i thought i saw you posting something about that yeah yeah there's they've been coming out who do you get uh joe burrows just came the Cincinnati Bengals quarterback oh he's sexy cool dude cool dude and then he was like he goes

you want to come over to the house after and I was like and my uncle and aunt were at the show I was like hey we're not going to hang out at dinner

afterwards they're in their 80s I was like I might not see you again I see black guys posting about how cool he is and I'm like this guy's made it

that's the ultimate. He's swaggy for sure. So swag. I happen to. We're in Cincinnati. We're staying across the street from the Urban Wear store, and we go in there. We all buy. I bought a Coogee shirt, and then I wear it to the show, and then he comes to that show,

and he walks up to me. He goes, he's like, you're wearing shit that I would wear, man. I'm like, yeah, dude he was uh yeah he was rad and so so nice um they all want to be comics too which is fun because obviously we'd like to be a pro athlete but we skipped dinner and he goes uh he goes my chef made these if you guys want to eat we were like wow what did his chef make really good food like a paella a chicken dish with like do you have a pro football team or no well i mean i'm from since the originally so i'm like uh you know he's your guy i mean yeah but i have to admit that when i left as a kid i left

the year they went to the super bowl in 88 and we were so you know gung-ho on the bangles and they entered such a depression era like a run of being horrific that it was like it was tough to stay like go bangles when you're you know watching them go 3 and 13 for like a decade right so i just kind of like lost interest in it honestly yeah damn oh burr look at that fucking jacket top gun looking dude yeah dude look at jesus christ that looks like a tv he's so good you do have to win when you dress like that you can't show up like that and not win no yeah it's crazy to think that he you know has like insecurities right it seems so confident but you were all human you know he's at home like ah jeez i suck yeah or maybe not maybe that's just me no i think everybody does everybody does yeah

yeah we've all you know sharted and yeah said something stupid even like the guy who you think is the coolest fucking guy ever exactly yeah brad pitt is sharted yeah he's sharted he's sharted that's nice he's he had a night he couldn't get it up. Yeah. You know? That's nice to hear. Yeah. He probably can't get it up because he's so out of cum, though.

You know what I mean? Yeah. He's like, there's no way. It's a good reason to not get it up. Yeah, like, dude. Come on. That's four loads. I'm 58.

I'm running on empty. I can't. I can't. Imagine being tired of fucking Angelina Jolie. At some point, he was like, ah, I'm good. I'd rather watch the game. Yeah, it's got to be awesome. I guess so on empty. I can't. Imagine being tired of fucking Angelina Jolie. At some point he was like, I'm good. I'd rather watch the game. Yeah, it's got to be awesome. I guess so.

Yeah. That's when you've made it. It happens. That's why they adopted. He was out of cum. That's a lot of kids. Yeah. Now you got, I want to have kids one day, I think.

You do? And you have two? I have two boys, yeah. This is news to me as well. Well, you don't want kids at all? Maybe. I don't want kids at all maybe i don't know but i've never heard you say it out loud have you tied the knot are you uh no november so i got a few months okay so what's happening though oh yeah it's terrifying yeah but where

are you gonna do it are you gonna do it new orleans you are nice yeah yeah she's from massachusetts so it's like yeah and november in new orleans will be nice that's the only good month yeah it's either sweltering heat with humidity or hurricanes. I'm psyched. I'm psyched for the wedding, man. It's going to be fun. And you? You going to do babies, you think, or no?

We'll figure it out. I got to have a woman first, I think. But we'll see. Yeah, he's a virgin. Yeah, nice. Never fucked a woman. You got to try it. It's great.

Dude, I heard it's good. It's pretty good. I'm excited to try. Yeah. Use your dick. I'm going to do that. I'm going to fuck a woman with my dick. Yeah. Whoa. It's going to be crazy. Yeah. It's good. It's pretty good. I'm excited to try. Yeah. Use your dick. I'm going to do that. I'm going to fuck a woman with my dick. Yeah.

Whoa. It's going to be crazy. Yeah. It's nice. Where'd you tie the knot? Did you do LA? No. Go piss.

I did the Bahamas. What? Yeah. You're that guy who's like, hey, I'm getting married to the Bahamas, and every comic has to be like, ah. You know what's great is that it gets everybody to something like that that you'd want to be there. It weeds them out.

It really weeds them out. That's a good point. So it was like three or four days or however many days we were there, 35 people. But they're like all the people you'd want to. Right. It's the VIPs. It's the VIPs. That's good.

It's kind of great. Did you do the beach like barefoot? No, no, no. I couldn't because my parents are way hardcore Catholic and they're like, you don't do a fucking beach wedding. Oh, shit. So we had to go to the church. What?

Yeah. Like the little old school church in this little Bahamian town. That's pretty cool. It was kind of cool. It was in Eleuthera, the island of Eleuthera. And then, but yeah, then immediately you go back to the place and then right right hangs out yeah damn i went to catholic school did you yeah oh really oh yeah i grew up on religious but but i was fucking up so my parents like you got to go to catholic school and like get your shit together

were they catholic like no no atheists like my parents are old hippie weirdos, but they were like, you're a piece of shit kid, so you need a little bit of some diddling. Yeah, yeah, something. And it was all new to me. Was it good for you? Not really. I mean, it was like they drug tested. It was uniforms.

It was disciplinary. And it was rough. You told me the story. I think you said you were 16 or 17 and your dad found you just hammered. Yeah. I told you about that? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Found me shit-faced. And I had my first big job interview that morning. And I was like, ah. And he threw me in the shower with clothes on, turned it on, and yelled at me. Yeah. And what do they think now, though? You're like this successful comedian. And they're like, yeah, you fucked off as a kid.

But now you have a real career. I don't know. It's a good question. Really? You've never heard them comment on it? They don't show. They don't emote. Really?

Yeah, they're military. I don't know. They're nice. They're good parents, but there's not a lot of good on you, kid. Really? Yeah. But I don't know. Maybe that's what I'm striving for.

Okay. Oh, yeah. That is. You're totally. Maybe. Yeah. What about you't know. Maybe that's what I'm striving for. Okay. Oh, yeah. That is. You're totally. Maybe. Yeah. What about you? You got decent parents?

Yeah. I mean, they were. I mean, my dad was very, very supportive. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. And he was like a big cheerleader. You know what I mean? Yeah.

He was real excited about everything. Even the early, you know the early open mic embarrassing shit? Yeah. He was really down for going for it. Damn, that's awesome. Yeah, it was pretty cool. Was your mom supportive as well? Yeah.

I mean, yes, but she was like, I remember her being like, you should get the job at the post office. And I was like, why? And she goes, so you have security security and then at night you can do your shows and i'm like yeah i'm not gonna go to the post office um i was like i'm doing this i mean i was really struggling do your videos with your mom are so funny yeah she's she's hilarious she's really funny she's really funny like you did fluent spanish it's pretty good. I mean, it was really good at one point. It definitely was going away because I wasn't using it. Yeah.

And then I started to use it again. It's come back a good bit. Yeah. Yeah. But it will go away if you don't use it. Oh, I spoke French as a kid. It's basically all gone. Really?

You did? It's sad, yeah. I was in French immersion. Oh. You know, it's very French there. Yeah, sure. And my dad's french and it just it fizzles your dad your dad's french well it's normal i mean it's uh it's just like louisiana french okay you know it's not we're not like uh eating eating bread and smoking cigarettes or drinking wine no i have a lot of french uh blood oh yeah yeah yeah like my dad's middle name was Nadeau. His mother was French-Canadian. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so there's like a good bit. French culture is so cool. It's so rad. It's just like cool. And it is the thing is, you know what? It's so seductive is that they don't fucking want you. You know what I mean? Oh, Jews.

We're out there recruiting. Oh, we're not recruiting, rather. And I think that gives the Judaism thing. Like when people come to us, they really want it. Absolutely. You know? And the same with the French. They couldn't give a fuck about anyone else. No.

Get the fuck out of here. My dad does not give a fuck about me. But, no, I'm just kidding. But that's true. Yeah, French people. The movie, the old French wave movies are so sexy. Yes. The fact that they drink all day and none of them are fat.

Yeah. I know. Except for Gerard. Have you seen Gerard Depardieu? He looks like Bert. It's crazy. Oh, my God. Yeah. fat yeah i know except for gerard have you seen gerard dip her do he looks like burt it's crazy oh my god yeah dude it's his nose is like it's crazy when you drink so much you remember when he was on that flight oh and he pissed in the aisle yes he was so drunk he on a fucking

commercial flight gets up and just like and they're like what's Gerard Depardieu. He's like, my lord. And then he puts out a statement like, I apologize. Do you see that he claims he drinks 12 bottles of wine a day? It looks like it. Wow. 12. Bro. That's a lot in a week. He looks rough.

Pull him up. Pull him up. Pull up Gerard Depardieu. Make sure you write now. I can't name one movie he's in. Holy shit. Look at that. Yeah, that's not good.

That's a big man. He's gone like Orson Welles. Look at that photo with the nose. Holy shit. Looks like Kathy Najimy. Holy shit. Looks like he ate Mario Batali. Right there with the overalls.

Oh, the suspenders. You don't see Bert? I can see it. Yeah, Bert fucked Diaz. That is crazy. Holy shit. I mean, he is not a healthy looking man. Look how handsome he used to be.

Is that him? Yeah, no, he was a hunk. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, look at that. I remember Brando. That's the ultimate. Smoking.

Young Brando. Smoke show. Not street car. The one where he's on the docks. Oh, Waterfront. On the Waterfront, he's like one of the hottest dudes ever. Ever. And the lips? He turned into a goddamn balloon.

He was like the Goodyear blimp, dude. Yeah, he's a big man. Huge. Island Dr. Moreau. That was rough. Dude, the greatest, they just did that Val Kilmer documentary. Val Kilmer would just walk around with a video camera, and it's on that movie. Was that the movie, The Island, Dr. Moreau?

Yeah. Or it's just Brando fat as shit laying on a hammock like, oh, you filming? You know, it's insane. Don't meet your heroes. Yeah. Brando is. Look at that sexy son of a bitch. That guy would do what he wanted with you.

Oh, yeah. You wanted him to. One of the coolest actors ever. Totally. Fucking street car is incredible, too. I mean, everything he was in, man. Have you seen, what's that movie where he plays a Japanese man? What?

Pull that one up. Rush Hour 2? No, you're going to be like, holy shit, what the fuck? This is the shit that used to... You ever breakfast at Tiffany's? It's rough. It's Mickey Rooney. It's like, pock the cataract.

And they're like, whoa. Oh, dude, that's rough. There it is. See, this is why he went hardcore for the Native Americans, because he knew this was in his back pocket. Holy shit. But that's when Hollywood was kind of... That's when he gave a middle finger to hollywood i thought that was fucking

cool yeah that was before anyone else was doing it too that's when they were still like the cool the club you wanted to be a part of and that and he was like suck my dick yeah he was he really was wow he was cool shit all right well all right where are you gonna you got i mean do you want to plug dates uh yeah i got i got a bunch of – if you have tomscrow.com slash tour, there's – I used to like remember I'm going to be in this city and that city and I don't anymore. It's so blur. But check it out. You'll see a date where I'm somewhere near you. Please get tickets.

And the book I'm very excited about. If you want to check it out, there's a excited there's a hard copy there's a audio book i did i read the book on audible wow um and then there's um there's ebooks too if you're into that so there's copies of every kind of milestone man it is it is huge thanks man man i hope to never write a book yeah it seems like a lot of work the um best advice I said I listened to it for like a week was Tom Papa because he's written a number of books. Yeah.

He was like set a time every day that's not overwhelming. So like an hour, 10 to 11. Maybe one day you'll write two pages. Next day you write five. So if you do it like five, six days a week, you'll have a book. Just chip away. Yeah. Love Tom Papa. But if you do it like five six days a week you'll have a book just chip away yeah but if you go yeah he's great but if you go like nah I just feel like doing it yeah and then all sudden you have like the pressure

building exactly I almost wrote a book once cuz Dana Gould and I wrote a show and we couldn't sell and he was like just write it as a book and we'll be able to sell and I was like hell yeah dude and then I banged out like 80 pages and i was like nah i'm good i can't fuck this shit pretty good yeah pretty good but i was like i'm done but uh yeah man uh yeah see tom on on tour you see all the dates up there we'll throw those up there is that at 12 oh sorry it says 10 p.m i thought it was at 12 p.m i was like you better act because look these are all sold out already so you better you better get on these. Get on it, folks.

Don't miss them. Ooh, Golden Nugget. That'll be fun. Lake Charles, Louisiana. Let me apologize now. I've been there. I've been there. Okay.

Are we going to be Norman? MarkNormanComedy.com. I'm all over the road. All the clubs Tom is shitting on, I'll be there. I'll be in Erie. I'm back at Hyena's, by the way. Yeah. No, I got a there i'm back at hyenas by the way yeah now i got a bunch of fun dates i'm doing the wilbur doing the neptune doing a it's a great one yeah that's great you've done it before no never seattle yeah i did uh my second special there oh yeah

awesome room all right wilbur's also of course one of the nations great one of the best yeah so yeah all kinds of fun dates announcing. Vancouver, Toronto, New Orleans. The best. Those two cities are fucking amazing. Great cities. Great comedy towns. Yes.

I'm pumped. Congrats on your new special. Thanks, man. Yeah. It'll be out hopefully August or so. I'm happy with it. So check it out. Do you have a name for it yet or not yet?

I think it's going to be called Same Time Tomorrow, which is a- I like that. Yeah, it's literally like a pedophilia joke, but it's also applicable to comedy. So whatever. Probably Same Time Tomorrow. And then, yeah, Houston Improv, West Palm Improv, building this shit back up, Tampa. I thought the set was night, but maybe get Wi-Fi next time, you know? Yeah, holy shit. Matt, nice. No Internet. I'll be at the late, but maybe get Wi-Fi next time, you know? Yeah, holy shit.

Matt, nice. No internet. I'll be at the No Internet Cafe. Oh, yeah. We'll be all over Dania Beach, San Jose Improv, Pittsburgh Improv. A lot of improvs. Yeah. Building back up, but I'll see you guys on the road.

And thank you, Bearded Jew, for the drink. Beer Jew. Beer Jew, sorry. Same shit. Thanks so much. Tom, thanks for coming. Yeah, yeah. Thanks for having me, guys. This was awesome. Kill Colbert. We're fans. Nah, beard you. Beard you, sorry. Same shit. Thanks so much, Tom. Thanks for coming. Yeah, yeah, thanks for having me, guys. This was awesome.

Kill Colbert. We're fans. Thanks, brother. We're fans. Thank you so much, man. Comedy. Comedy. Comedy. A little too much bourbon And Norman's talking shit about the fucking pub

And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like the cops coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way. We might be true.