We Might Be Drunk - Ep 83: Stavros Halkias & Ouzo

Episode Date: July 11, 2022

Stavros joins the guys this week, instant classic with a lot of laughs. Check out Stavros' special https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNpkhX85yf0&t=245s Support the show by going to www.go.factor75.com/drunk120 and use code Drunk120 Get 20% off with the code DRUNK at https://wwwLucy.co Get 20% off &; free shipping with our code Drunk at manscaped.com Check out Mark and Sam on the road: Visit http://marknormandcomedy.com https://www.sammorril.com/shows for more details! Join us on Patreon at http://Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod  

hey folks here we are we might be drunk we're back good to be here we got a hot guest what's up boys how we doing hey i'll take it we were all just sitting here no energy whatsoever you just you just turned on you know it's a show, this is an exciting guest. Stabby Baby. Stabros Halkias. That's right. New special on YouTube.

That's right. Crushing it. Two million at this point. Who knows where it'll be when this comes out? Two million, two weeks. Feels good. That's got to be a record. It might be a record.

You hit a million in four days. I was tracking it. Yeah, a million in four days. Yep, yep. And then, yeah. I mean, it's going great. I was wanting... I was was like let me just put i mean really you guys are like you're you guys started doing youtube specials i mean i remember we were literally on this block do you remember because

we were doing pod don't lie on this block you got a call and i got a call that hbo passed yeah and you're like i don't know man maybe i'll go to youtube and you really didn't want to and like it's turned out to be all of you guys doing than me doing has turned out to be the best thing for our careers yeah yeah that was doing youtube specials so yeah to the people or anyone even now it's like you just have that link you're just like totally here's a little link click it and any asshole in the world can see it you know exactly there's no blackouts it's just you know people from fucking denmark like, this is a good special. Right.

You know what I mean? Right. That's the coolest part is you're, like, literally getting messages from people in, like, Poland who are like, you need to come to Poland. You're like, I won't, but I appreciate the message. Isn't that the weirdest? When are you coming to Bangladesh? I'm not.

It's not going to happen. Do you get messages? Like, we got, Norm and I get a ton of messages from India. Hell yeah. Huge in India. Really? Yeah. I don't know why India, but we get a lot of-

You know, the first, when I had a lot of messages from India was the infancy of my Instagram where I was just fully nude and it was a bunch of horny gay Indian men from India. And it turns out even the gay ones behave the same way as the straight ones. They were like, they were like, when come, let me see penis. Some guy literally,

the first time I learned my lesson to never open a photo from an account. I don't follow. It was straight up a fucking Indian guy. The resolution on the camera, it must've been like an Android from 10 years ago. It's blurry. It's like, you know,

he's in a fucking house with just exposed wires, just his dick fully out, beating off in like some shack in wherever the fuck he's from. I was like, you know what? I'm going to fucking, I'm going to skip opening these from now on. I'm not going to. But he sees those pictures and he's like, dude, you were asking for it. I mean, those poses.

He did frame his cock in a way. It still haunts me the like the frame, the cinematography of that Jackoff video because it was like from underneath so his dick looked

way too big. It was like a, like a, like a blimp coming into frame slowly. You know what I mean? Like, I love the guy

without running water but he has Wi-Fi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting his dick out. I got priorities. That got priorities that is that is

disturbing to get that is disturbing to get i mean i thought it was honestly one of the funniest things that's ever happened to me i'm like this is wild you don't get some guy is getting i don't get really dicks oh wow you're big in gay instagram in the gay mateo will send me links he's like it's a me and you neck and neck and hot as gay i'm like what the fuck well you're that you're in good company he's shredded he's so much hotter you mark has also posted a lot of shirtless pics though that is that's what i do one a year one a year yeah i don't want to be that guy yeah yeah but you do yeah one a year is enough yeah because in like three or four years there's gonna be a few of them true i mean you you get messages for sure oh the gays and you feel like

how a woman would feel you're like like, oh, I get it. This is like a lot. Right. There's a lot of dicks. I'll get messages from gay guys sometimes, but I never get a dick. I'll send you some of mine. They're respectful with you. You put out a much more weird.

We're a couple of sluts. They come in cocks blazing with me and Mark. But you, they're like, I got to chat him up, see how his day was. Take me to dinner, dude. See what happens. The weird thing is you get enough dicks and you start comparing. You're like, well, this one, it's like baseball cards. Well, this guy's got girl,

he's got length, he's uncircumcised. Damn. Can't help but rate. Of course, of course. Should we get a drink in here? Let's get a damn drink. You left, so now we have McCoy. What's your bar name gonna be? koi chips a koi chips let's do it so we got a yuzu rosemary lemonade you mean uzo yeah yeah yeah this is our backup bartender we got jv we got jv coming well this is a greek episode here i mean i love the flag Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is our backup bartender. Yeah. There, dude. We got JV.

We got JV coming in. Well, this is a Greek episode here. I mean, we got the flag. Thank you. I do, by the way, hugely appreciate the layout. You're becoming the most prominent Greek. I'm, you know, Stamos, here I come, motherfucker.

Giannis is out. Giannis, we love you. This doesn't have to be a competition cheers hey hey opa get in here opa there we go

I'll break some I'm gonna smash this right after I drink it mmm that's really good oh hell yeah whoa you know this is really

yeah Uzo's good this is a Chip Sikora I like what you did here because Uzo usually the only way I've ever had it is straight up like with water. Like that's usually what, because it's pretty, it's a little sweet to begin with, but I've never had a cocktail with it.

And this shit fucking rocks. What is it? Uzo's like a- A liqueur? Liqueur? Yeah, but it's like- Like Limoncello or something? No, it's like some kind of like, not mint exactly, like some kind of like gummy, I don't know. What's the, let's see here. Like a limoncello or something? No, it's like some kind of like, not mint exactly, like some kind of like gummy.

I don't know. What's the, let's see here. Like a gelatin? Anise flavored. Yes, yes, yes. I don't know what it is. And it gets cloudy. When you put a little water in it, it gets cloudy.

It's pretty fucking, it's sweet on its own. So this is fucking sick. This is amazing. What's the liquor in here? Uzo. That's the liquor. Oh, it is a liquor. Okay.

Yeah. Oh, man. This is damn liquor okay oh man this is damn good you've been to Greece a bunch oh yeah yeah and dude I wanted to go with this cause like so I fit so literally even though this is like this will be released in the future I just wrapped up a fucking

you know nine month tour and it's been fucking wild and it's like my first time just completely road dogging it. I mean, this after the fucking pandemic, I was like, I have to make up a year's worth of money. You know what I mean? And I was like, I was like, and just I want to grow as a comic. And I was planning on shooting something.

So I was just like, once we were open, I was like, fuck it. I'm like, I'm not taking any time off. I'm going to go balls to the wall. So you're the only two people that I'm about to, because when I say that, people are like, wow, that's crazy. And you guys are like, oh yeah, you were just doing comedy. That's what it is to you, two assholes.

You were desperately trying to fill the different holes in your souls with stand-up. You got that right. And it's never going to be full. No, no, no. It doesn't. This is not the solution. I don't know how many times I've had to tell Sam specifically.

Mark this. You're right. The combo of comedy booze. Maybe after this glass. Hold on. But anyway, I really wanted to go to Greece. But, dude, just all that fucking travel. Like, I was coming back from an L.A. flight, and I was like, I have to do something twice as long as this to go relax for a week.

Exactly. So I think this year I'm just going to fucking keep it local. I might go to some fucking, I might go to fucking Ocean City, Maryland, baby. ACND. I'm doing like Hudson Valley. I'm doing like, I do Rhinebeck. Maybe the fucking Hamptons. Maybe we'll go, what's up with Seinfeld?

Can we use his house? Sure. We can use it. Tim Dillon just bought a house out there, that son of a bitch. It's hilarious that I saw that on the New York Post. Really? Yeah. It was a New York Post Twitter. He said he's, I don't want to blow his shit up, he said he might have a party soon.

That's what I heard. We might be over there, boys. That's pretty cool. That's what I heard. Although, when is it, a weekend? Of course it's going to be a fucking weekend, knowing Tim. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to fucking weekend knowing Tim. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to make you cancel something.

Yeah, yeah. I like the road. Did you tape it? You taped it at the beginning of the tour, though, right? I taped it in the middle. In the middle, right. So I didn't go into the tour. I wasn't exactly sure.

Because it's also, you know, you're rusty. You don't know what the fuck's going to happen. So I was like, fuck, it might take me a year to remember how to do stand-up. So I booked this fucking, like like almost year-long tour and i also just wanted to hit every major market that i hadn't been in and then it was like i was like oh fuck like within two months i was like oh wait no i can do stand-up again like honestly it was it took like a month to really feel like you were there right and then it took another month to kind of get the material into shape and i was like fuck this is like and this is too long.

Like, I was going to initially record at the end of the tour. I was like, fuck that. So I was like, literally, I was like, can we just do it like now? Can we do it in like December? And so I recorded in December. In LA, right? In LA. Why did you choose LA?

A couple of reasons. I really like the Lodge Room. It has like that old Masonic temple. It used to be a Masonic temple. And it was, like, so it fucking felt cool. No one had shot a special there. I mean, Comedy Central swagger jacked me after I shot mine. They released one of those, like, they just stole.

I'm joking. They started shooting. They shot something where it was, like, those, like, five-minute sets. They shot it there. I was like, oh, come on, you motherfuckers. The whole point was like those five-minute sets. They shot it there. I was like, oh, come on, you motherfuckers. The whole point was no one else had shot anything. And in between. I know, I know.

Nobody sees that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's be honest. We're such idiots, too, that we get mad. I'm just like, people are going to. I remember I did that with the den. I was like, no one's doing the den. Then I immediately got a call, like, two other people are beating you to it.

Whatever. It gives a shit. But anyway, so one's doing the den. Then I immediately got a call. Like, two other people are beating you to it. Whatever. I don't give a shit. But anyway, so I did it for that. And also, like, for fucking cost measures, right? Like, you guys shot your own fucking specials. This shit fucking, it's up to. So I wanted to look great. And if you're in L.A. and you do, and it was a fucking Monday.

So it's like L.A., a Monday. You can get a crew that's just, like, not doing shit. And shit and it's like hey will you work for a quarter what you're worth because it's a fucking monday a half half day of work and it'll be really cool and it's like so we convinced a great crew to do it and yeah that was the thing because it's like you can't fucking come through with the same shit yeah i mean like it had to look a little better than the ones that were already out because the novelty was kind of gone so you wanted and that was always my thing i was like this is on youtube but it's as good as anything on hbo it's as good as anything on netflix so we're gonna make it look like that so it had to be la or else flying out a fucking top tier crew to do the kind of show i got would

probably cost me like 80 grand yeah for some random you know city so it looked great it's a killer special and uh that fucking thumbnail you can't not click on it you see that mug on that thumbnail you gotta click the outfit is perfect perfect leopard print someone pointed out oh time to suck mark off he was very clear about what the beep means um somebody pointed out after the fact that I did not realize this at all. They were like, he's dressed exactly like Ali Wong.

Without even realizing it, I completely stole. I'm talking about people stealing from me. I completely stole her whole vibe. And the pregnant. And the stomach. Adult Cobra. That's hilarious.

You ate Ali Wong? Yeah. Oh my hilarious. You ate Allie Wong. Yeah. Oh, my God. Damn. That's perfect. Yeah, the first one. The first one. It's exactly the same.

Yep. Glasses and everything. It's hilarious. Matt, you're going to put those up side by side. We got to send that to Allie. Yeah. Damn. That's amazing.

The internet is undefeated with shit like that. Oh, my God. They always catch everything. So people pointed that out to you. Yeah. Somebody, you know, some comment or something, which I have cool. is undefeated with shit like that. Oh my God. They always catch everything. So people pointed that out to you. Yeah, somebody, you know, some comment or something,

which I have, I have cool, I broke my, I won't read the comments thing for the beginning because I was like, let's just make sure, you know, you're just,

and now I'm back to not doing it, but you know, because it's just, And also the ones in the beginning are so positive. They're great. They're there for the first night. Exactly.

No one's like, meh, night one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, wait till you read mine. Yeah. But no, yeah, the comments are great, the special's great. one's like, meh, night one. Wait till you read mine. But no, yeah, the comments are great. The special's great.

It's always tough, too, because I talk to the YouTube guy when I put one out, and you have to watch a certain amount to get a view. Yeah. And so that means people are watching the majority of it, which is rare. Yeah, no, it's crazy. Because I've been doing a lot of shit on YouTube recently. I mean, that's helped me pop a little bit, which is putting the short videos there. So I've been doing a lot of shit on YouTube recently. I mean, that's helped me pop a little bit. We're just putting the short videos there.

So I've gotten to learn about that shit. And it's like, yeah, you look at it and it's like people, the average is 20 minutes, which is insane for a YouTube video. Insane. Like no one watches a fucking. I mean, I know it's an hour, but it's like 20 minutes is fucking. But it's free also. And it's quality. That's the thing.

I will still rent a movie if it's a good looking movie. Totally. But a good free special, all you need is a friend to be like, you got to watch this. Why not? Exactly. Why not? Might as well. Might as well.

And I think once you have this thing, or I don't know if I'm supposed to say, but once you put this out and people see the progress and the success, you'll never have to do another one. Yeah. You know, they're going to come call it yeah that's how they were like my agent and my manager just you know we had the same agent she got fired i had a manager he left the business but because of my special yeah they left they left they were like people like it but we don't understand and we're gonna leave but because i had the special with a bunch of views on it, I knew people scooped me up.

So it was like the best thing that ever happened to me. Yeah, some guy tried to fucking, some guy I never met tried to just, he just showed up in a green room and was like, hey. And it's like, I have an agent. That's old school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I do that to me. And we shook hands. And as we shook hands, there was a pinky ring.

And I was like, nah. Can't be a manager with a pinky ring or a ponytail pick one hold on sam all right i don't come on here and start saying anti-semitic things you're attacking my entire ethos right now pinky rings and ponytails ethos another greek word i love the idea of the guy coming in the green room Because you know he was all day He was like, here we go baby Cologne, putting on my best shirt

I'm going to scoop this guy up I got him And then you're like, can you get out? I'm like, I'm here with my friends You know, this is a bad hang You know what I mean? I also just showing up in a green room is brutal Because it's just like

It's a lot I just need It was a small green room Yeah You know what I mean? Yeah. I also just showing up in a green room is brutal because it's just like- It's a lot. I just need- It was a small green room. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like there's not enough space and now we got to make small talk. Just for fucking the hang up. Yeah.

I would be annoyed, let alone- Exactly. Everything else. I did that when I was a young comic. I did that to a big comic. I was friends with his opener and he's like, oh, you want to come hang out in the green room? And I was like, do I?

And I went in and I couldn't believe how cold the headliner was to me, and now I totally get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. You know, I was like, what? And now you're actually friends with Rob Schneider. What do you think pushed Deuce Bigelow 3? But no, now I get it. But at the time, I was like, what? This guy's mean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I can see it from both sides now. They're just tired. They're tired, and I was like, what? This guy's mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I can see it from both sides now. They're just tired. They're tired. And they're like, why do I have to entertain you? Because you came in here. I got to entertain you. Yeah, I'm at work.

Yeah. Please get. Yeah, I fully, totally. And that was the thing. I was just tired of doing stand-up by the end of this tour where I was just like, I love it. It's fun. You know, I like. It was important for me to get the skeleton of a new hour down.

Yeah. And I have like 45. It's not obviously I'm not recording it tomorrow. It's not ready. But it's like, you know, I think when it all is said and done, it's probably a really, really good half hour in there somewhere. That's killer already. You know, you got to you got to fucking figure it out from there. But yeah, that was the thing where I was like, if anybody by the end.

Dude, I can also see how people become entourage guys. I'm totally in there where it's like I brought a friend to sell merch just to hand. Eldest? Eldest. My boy. Shout out to Eldest. Yeah, he's out there. I brought Salicus with me to do – and it was just JP.

Everyone sort of – they kind of take the shape of Entourage. He's Drama. Salicus is Turtle. You're kind of like Jesus. So I get it, dude. I fully get – my dream is to travel everywhere with four men in track suits. You know what I mean? We all have matching track suits.

It's fun. So you say, why do you do the road? First off, I love it. Second off, I bring Gary Veeder with me. Yes. James Webb has been coming with me. James rules. I have a cool crew.

I love it. Yeah. It's tough. And you can't gamble out there with these local openers. Oh, truly, truly. It's tough. I had a funny guy out there with these local openers. Oh, truly, truly. It's tough. I had a funny guy in Tampa, though, Christophe Jean. Jean.

He was really funny. Every now and then you get a diamond in the rough. Totally. It's rare. But then even it's just like, it's kind of like we were talking, I think, a little bit before the show. I feel like so much of our lives are podcasting that it's hard to remember what was said on mic and what wasn't.

Sure. But it's like, you also just want to get the right type of opener too yeah like sometimes a club like if it's funny when people don't really understand how to book things and it's like oh i know who you'll like somebody you're gonna love your opener he's he's exactly like you right some fat guy that talks about his little dick just you know less accomplished with less good jokes you know what i mean and it's just like and it's like he's a cool guy i like him and i see what he's like he might even be me right years ago yes yes but i don't want me 10 years ago opening for me you know i want like a like a like a lesbian housewife someone who i have nothing in common right you know what i mean like someone who

has a completely different perspective on things so so that's why when you bring your friend and it's just like you know it's just fun to have. You know what you're walking into. You know what you get. You need a different opener. I've had that too where I show up and it's like a tall dude with one eyebrow. He's doing dead baby jokes. I'm like, come on.

And it's like they're just watching a worse version of you. You know what I mean? Where it's like that's not how you want to get. of you right i mean where it's like that's not how you want to get like if you were about to eat a like a perfect like you know perfectly cooked rare steak you wouldn't want somebody just throwing you some fucking steakums right before you know what i mean you don't want a shittier so anyway and and not only is it a shittier version but they're stepping on all your subjects all your premises so you're like, fuck! Now I can't do mine because it looks

shitty tacked on after this. It doesn't mean we don't think they're funny, too. It's just you don't want them on your show. And that's why the lessons you learn when you start headlining and you look back, kind of what you said with the green room, I owe so much to Bobby Kelly because the fact that he had some little fat kid doing just shittier

fat jokes than his fat jokes it's like I don't I'm going to kiss him on the lips. Dude I could say the same about Dave Attell. 100% no both of us. When you said you just want a shittier version opening the first thing I said was I used to open for Dave Attell. Dude both of us. We were both just worse versions of the guys

that brought us on. So they're better people than us. I could say the same thing about Amy Schumer. No wait never mind. I'd suck dick. Dude, that's great. What were the best cities for you? You know, I don't know. I liked Portland a lot, honestly.

I love Portland. Yeah, it's great. Why is there such a bad rep? I feel like a lot of comics shit on it. I like the I love Portland yeah it's great you know why is it such a bad rep I feel like a lot of comics shit on it I like it too I think if they shit on it people can can really be like

if you're just looking at it from like a news perspective and they're like oh it's all the fucking Antifa and it's Proud Boys and hipsters

and it's like yeah those exist but it's like it's a fucking cool city everyone is just kind of like it is a little wild

it is a little like all the strip clubs all the like it's a decadent. Everyone is just kind of like, it is a little wild. It is a little like all the strip clubs, all the like. Did you hit them? It's a decadent city. I didn't. I didn't. It's like the most strip clubs in the country, I think. I had just come back from Greece, actually. That was the first one of the tour.

I don't know if this ever happens to you guys. I feel like this has happened to me the last two tours where last tour, years ago, I started in Chicago. Shows were unbelievable. Love Chicago. I was like, this tour is going to be the best one and then eight duds in a row and then that's exactly what i mean portland was fucking unbelievable like i'm like i had just come back from vacation it was the pandemic i was worried the shows couldn't have been better and i'm like this is gonna be fucking i'm the king of

comedy you know yeah i'm fucking bernie mack and then and then i go to you know seattle shows are like whatever you know what i mean i go to fucking you know i don't remember tampa you know what i mean it's like good shows some good shows some bad shows it's just like you start with those like just crushing weekends and you think you're in for it for good and then you know you just hit a friday late show at a fucking and it's like or or what started happening to me is the saturday late shows used to be the funnest and now it's like they're too fucked up they flip yeah the early show is way better now yeah yeah yeah so true but markets when you get more into comedy you're like man markets are important yeah you should be like oh i'll go to any city i'll make them laugh but i'll sell out here then i'll go to alabama i just did huntsville and it's like yeah it's a little light out there oh i forgot

about light out there like you don't hear that anymore it's like, yeah, it's a little light out there. And you're like, oh, I forgot about light out there. Like, you don't hear that anymore. That happened to me there, too. That's a tough spot. That's a tough spot. They also did not, they were not down with me making fun of the Nazi who they named the museum after. Oh, Braun. Yeah, Von Braun.

I did Von, you have to joke about Braun. Yeah, they were just like, absolutely not. I'm like, you got to at least let me make jokes about it. No, no. They named the synagogue after that motherfucker. That guy's name was on everything it really is everywhere fucking wild dude that's just a nazi that's the liberal part of alabama and they're like we named a museum after a former nazi he said he was sorry what do you people want you got israel and you got an apology can we call it even

yeah that was that was a tough one but uh yeah i mean i really i mean i like pretty much you know i just like the fucking places you'd think i'd like you know same like you know portland is like anywhere where there's good food and it's just like kind of a fucking like a place for adults behaving like children. You know what I mean? It's like you're going to get, you know. Weed. Weed.

Booze. Girls are going to fuck for no, you know, like easily. Portland's so sick for that reason. You know what I mean? Like Austin, even though Austin has gotten a little bit. Too seedy. Exactly. Exactly.

But like, you know I loved it Atlanta was fucking cool Atlanta's great but also dude the reality is I really enjoyed the first half of the tour and then it just starts to fucking you got burned out

I just got burned out like I was going you partied on the road though right in the beginning I did yeah and not only partied like in Portland the reason I loved it so much

because it was almost like a vacation where I was like I'm taking in the fucking I'm going on little hikes i'm going to the rose garden i'm going to the like japanese tea garden you know what i mean like i'm seeing cool shit i'm i'm eating it at a tie at a like renowned thai restaurant i'm doing i have like a full day's worth of activities and it's like if you do that for more than like four weeks you're just like fucking tired you can't do it like this ph Philadelphia, I was in my bed for 12. Like I'm just like the show is at 7 or 7.30, and it's like, all right,

well, I'll get breakfast. I wake up at 1 p.m. I get breakfast at a diner. I go back into my bed until 6.50. I get there as JP is halfway into his set. I do the first one. I lay on the couch. I lay on the couch

between eat a chicken a comedy club chicken tender. I'm like, I don't want to do this fucking show. This picture of Waitress

feeding you grapes. Banning you with a big leaf. So I was, yeah, I completely depleted my health bar in the first two months

of the tour where it was just like, how much more of this can I fucking do? Where I wasn't even trying to get pussy. That's when you know I'm depressed. Where it's like, girls are on my DMs like, do you want to come to a bar? I'm like, a bar? Even women, you want delivery. You're like, I don't want to get takeout.

It is a lot of work yeah after a while yeah i do it with gary veder who's a father and you know he wakes up at like 7 30 8 a.m so i wake up the text like 8 a.m he's already been in the gym he's like breakfast another a question mark at like 9 30 breakfast yeah then at like 11 a.m he's like i'm starving i'm like get something to eat i'll meet you for lunch you're killing me he works out every day i mean he's on it that's my that's my so the big reason i want to take a bunch of time off and i'm taking the whole summer off is like i gained like probably like i lost much weight during the pandemic because it was like comedy was gone i had nothing to focus on and then i gained it all back just fucking go having a good time on the road and i just want to get healthier

but i also just want to get like habits where it's like all right man i need to live like that on the road right i need it's got it because this is our lives like i know there's a i this year it was when i was like i had a big realization i was like there well there's no more when i grow up i'm 33 you know what i mean i'm a this is it like i'm not like if i don't start doing some shit now there's no well in 10 years i can no you know what i mean you can't live you i'm not like if i don't start doing some shit now there's no well in 10 years i can no you know what i mean you can't live you i could not live the way i live this year 10 times in a row that would be fucking wild we just had sagura on here and he was talking about bring he brings a trainer on the road with him yeah and it's like he's on a fucking private jet

too i know but i'm just saying but you see how like a guy that's successful lives that way and it's like we it's a wake-up call for all of us. Because Mark and I, it's no secret, we still drink a good amount. It's like this does take a toll at a certain point. I'm just less of a booze guy. I'm more of a weed guy. That's better. That's better.

But I still drink and I still get high. But it's like I got to. But that's the Philly. Literally, I took so many. Yeah, yeah. These are great. I'm literally going to get fucked up. You got to try Bodega Cat at some I took so many. Yeah, yeah. These are great. I'm literally going to get fucked up. You got to try Bodega Cat at some point.

I will. Oh, yeah. So good. Yeah, dude. It was like that Philly. So the one o'clock was when I wasn't high. I slept till I looked at my fucking phone. It was 3 p.m.

What? That's not good. And it wasn't one of those like wake up early in and out. It was like my first memory of that day happened at 3 o'clock. You know what I mean? School is out. They had a full day of school, these kids. And you're like, ah, I better get out of bed.

School is out. It's fucking brutal. Yeah, it's true. I'm sorry I cut you off too. What were you talking about? I was just going to – oh, shit. Oh, Segura, you know, with the personal trainer. He does the piano lessons.

He plays with his kids. He does four podcasts. Then he gets in a PJ and goes to Denver and does an arena, and then he writes a book. He wrote a fucking book. And I'm like, I get it. You're the man. He makes millions and millions of dollars a year. He's hilarious.

He's awesome. Cool guy. I'd rather have a little edge. I'd rather have some memories, some crazy stories. I'd rather have a hangover every'd rather have some memories some crazy stories I'd rather have a hangover every now and then and eat some chicken fingers and you know fuck my girl in the bathroom of the green room yeah

you doing that? oh yeah you fuck her in the green room bathroom? sure you don't have a pre-show ritual? yeah I jerk off in the bathroom I have the same one I fuck his girl in the green room bathroom too and I jerk off in the well either way i have the same one i fuck his girl in the and i jerk off to it that's uh that's awesome oh yeah it's fun don't go to gotham

oh yeah first time i headlined it also though like he's also in a different part of his life though too you know what i mean where he's 40 something like that i could see that like and that's kind of what i'm realizing is like all right let's start listen i'm not done getting fucked up on the road so but it's like it's kind of the way like that's how i start i stopped drinking because i was like like this much where i was like and now it's like all right when i'm getting fucked up i'm getting fucked up yeah it's like for a reason it's like you know i'm getting crabs and i'm drinking 12 beers it's my brother's wedding i'm getting fucked yes you know so it's gotta be a reason exactly so it's like it's like we gotta look at these weekends more as just work and then it's like all right if it's a special thing

if it's an anniversary of something if it's a great city i have friends coming out whatever then let's let our hair down you can't eat ice cream every day. Exactly. I hear you. Boy, oh boy. Am I doing it both metaphorically and metaphorically? What's your brand for ice cream? I'm a Ben and Jerry's guy. What's your favorite flavors?

I like to get some kind of fucking peanut butter, chocolate. Peanut butter. Element in the mix. Chubby Hub. And pretzel. I love pretzel. Pretzel's huge. They go a little too heavy on the pretzel, in my opinion, with Chubby Hubby.

But it's close. And they have a new one, Netflix and Chilled. I don't know if you're familiar with this one. Is that good? That one is kind of exactly what we're talking about here. Where it's like a little, it's like basically the same thing, but with a better combination, a better ratio, in my opinion. Interesting. It's very good.

Ben and Jerry, I love a little Cherry Garcia, man. But I've also been, oh, yeah, that's a classic. I've also been doing another fat guy move where I've switched to non-dairy ice creams to pretend I'm doing something healthy, where it's a complete lateral move calorically, but I'm like, well, it won't hurt my stomach. I tried it. I didn't think they were good. I tried the non-dairy.

The oat milk can be good. Oh, oat milk. Cashew milk, you got to try cashew milk. Oh, really? Cashew milk is good. Really? Yeah. I mean, I don't think it's a health difference.

Almond is not the one you want to go. Structurally, it falls apart. It's too thin. Absolutely. All right. All right. I'm learning. Yes, absolutely.

I'd love to give you. This could become an ice cream pod. We could do Rogan hours. What are some no-nos for ice cream other than that do you fuck with like even the health do you try like the Halo tops I try it you know it's just it's gotta have a good consistency

some of the candy bar one is okay it's just there's some you know I'll do I like to just I like to go high end like a Van Leeuwen I do Van Leeuwen they have a great vegan one they do have a great vegan. You know, it's funny because it's like in my head when I'm being responsible, it's like,

well, I'll only get an ice cream cone. It's not a whole fucking thing. So I'm in the fucking ice cream aisle. Oh, yeah. We tried the mac and cheese on here. It was okay. I'm sure it's fine. It's too much.

It's too much. You know what I love? The honeycomb is amazing. Honeycomb's their staple. They got a chocolate chip peanut butter. That's pretty solid, too. I'm sure it's fine. It's too much. It's too much. You know what I love? The honeycomb is amazing. Honeycomb is their staple. They got a chocolate chip peanut butter that's pretty solid too. I just fucked up a nice ice cream corner

at Van Leeuwen. There was one right by where I was staying in Philly. Shout out to Helium by the way. Great club. Great club.

And it was a nice one to end on because it's like you don't have to do too much work. Right. They're hot. Two shows.

The Saturday shows actually were the worst ones of the weekend, if you can believe it. I can believe it. Thursday through Sunday. It's date night. So the regular people come out. They buy tickets. Thursday's a hot night. Thursday was incredible.

And it used to always be the worst show because no one knows who the fuck you are. Yeah. Whoever shows up on Thursday is a fucking asshole. Right. But now, they really want to see you. Exactly. What's that? Judy's?

Is it Judy's ice cream? Yes. Is that the right one? Jenny's. Jenny's. Jenny's is killer. Jenny's doesn't fuck around. That's a good one.

You know who else? Send us some Jenny's, will you, Jenny? Jenny's is fucking killer and then also the Milk Bar. Milk Bar. You're fucking the Milk Bar stuff? Oh, the place in New York.

Like cereal milk? Yeah, yeah. Cereal milk. I love cereal milk. We did a shamrock shake on one of our episodes. I've never felt grosser. An alcoholic? Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Cereal milk. I love cereal milk. We did a shamrock shake on one of our episodes. I've never felt grosser. An alcoholic?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I hate that. Shout out to Jamie. I used to do that in college and just throw up every time. It was one of those where you would party

and be like, yeah, this is awesome. And then I would quiet, I would walk outside and I would projectile vomit in the neighbor's yard and I would come back as if it never happened

like, let's go. Dude, I love, one of my favorite jokes of yours is the cannonball joke. Oh, yeah. And it was like one of the trailers for your special. It's such a good joke. Thanks, man. How you're like, as a bigger guy,

you're like, you think I only want to do cannonballs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's such a fucking great bit. The expectations, yes, yes, absolutely. The expectations of a big guy. And there's a lot of tags. The expectations. Yes, absolutely. The expectations of a big guy. And there's a lot of tags that I cut out of that where it was like, I want to see what the top of the human pyramid's like. Let me breathe. Let me breathe that. What's the air up there like? You know what I mean? Where I'm tired of chugging all my liquids. Because I was totally

in college. It's like big fat guy. Come on. Funny fat guy in college. Everyone wants you to chug. Everyone wants you to do keg stands. You know what I mean? And I totally did it. Well, we've seen the movies. What's that guy's name in Varsity Blues? Piggy? Of course.

Of course. What's his name? Bruno? No, not Bruno. The Varsity Blues guy. I don't know. The one wearing 69? Pigpen or something?

No, not Pigpen. What is it? The big fat guy that was wearing 69. He died, I think. Billy Bob. Billy Bob. That's it. Varsity Blues was fun. I loved it. The big fat guy that was wearing 69. He died, I think. Billy Bob. Billy Bob. That's it. Motioning blues was fun.

I loved it. I don't want your life. John Voight. Yes. It's just awesome to see John Voight in a performance like that. Ron Lester in Morbid Obesity. Oh, did he lose it? Oh, shit.

Same with that guy, Ethan Supley. He's Jack, too. I know. He's fucking cool as shit. Cool guy, yeah. Mall he's jack too i know he's fucking cool shit cool guy mall rats man yeah oh yeah that guy's got an ethan's got an insane like he's worked with every american history x american history x i mean fucking wolf of wall street my name is working with everyone that's when he was thin my name yeah yeah but it's like his career has been he's he's worked with pretty much anyone you'd fucking damn he was so big jesus christ he fucking rules he's a cool

dude wolf of wall street's so fun i love that movie yeah, he fucking rules. He's a cool dude. Good for him. Wolf of Wall Street's so fun. I love that movie. Yeah. Oh, it's the fucking best. It's so fun. It's the fucking best. We know a couple people in it.

Henry Zebrowski's in it. Barry Rothbard's in it. There's a couple comics in there. Yeah, Barry Rothbard's just dancing throughout the whole movie. I know. It's like, what a fun role. Wasn't DeRosa in it for a sec, too? Nah.

Joe DeRosa? I feel like he was in the background or some shit. I don't think so. You're thinking of Rust with Alec Baldwin yeah do it he was the guy

he was the guy whispering do it in Baldwin's ear you fucking pussy we'll say it was a malfunction dish do it I'm selling sandwiches after

how long before he's just like back on SNL oh yeah it'll be a matter and they'll spoof that's that movie maybe i was wrong that was crazy i mean that's the one of the most horrible things i can't believe i mean that interview he did was one of the most cringy like that's what you do in a spoof of what happened yeah i didn't watch it i just watched a clip yeah the clips were

he looked weird too he looked like he'd probably been fucking drinking i mean he's depressing he killed somebody you know what i mean like that's tough to deal with you know damn yeah on accident yeah still great on 30 rock dude so good unreal well that's yeah that's the separate the artist from the art you know what i mean it's like he's like some of the best people at like impressive stuff are bad people sure you know what i mean it's like and i'm not even i'm not even that's true just in general because it's like i i really the longer i've yeah it's like yeah it's like it feels like it's zero sum life where it's like it like it's like a video game where you choose what to

put all your points to right empathy for people that are trying to get famous the empathy bar is real low. You know what I mean? They're not wasting any of those. They're putting that shit. Michael Jackson. Yeah. R. Kelly.

But then there's like Norm, who's like my hero, funniest guy ever. He can't drive. Yeah. He uses all his brain power to write jokes and read Dostoevsky, but he can't fucking drive a car. That's me minus the Dostoevsky. But I can teach you how to drive. He just was like, I'm scared of it.

I don't like driving. That's crazy. I have a license, but I can't really drive. I grew up in New York, though. You know what I mean? Like, Norm is from fucking rural Canada. Yeah. You'd think he'd be at least driving the tractor or some shit.

Right, right. Colin Quinn was telling me a story that Leonard Cohen used to go watch Norm, like, every week in Montreal. Leonard Cohen was a Norm fan, and Norm was like, who is this guy? Norm didn't give a shit. And then he found out who he was. He was like, I don't like that shit. I like country.

I like country music. He blew off Leonard Cohen. That's so sick. Little fucking rules. Crazy. One of the best songwriters ever. I got a hallelujah for you, pal. He's just too genuine to fake it.

He can't be like, oh, nice to meet you, man. Right, right, right. He just can't do that. Yeah. No, that's fucking. Do you have any peeves either of you? Peeves? Yeah.

Actually, you know what? What was the other one that was running bits? Rex. Rex. I got them all. But actually, separate the art from the art thing is a bit that I'm toying with that I can't quite get. Because I want to do something about ancient Greece where it's like, well, if we're doing

that, it's like, oh, the ancient Greeks were pedophiles. So it's like, I guess if we're not separating the artist from the art, say goodbye to geometry. You know what I mean? Say goodbye to that shit. So I'm working. I need a little something more to it. But it's like, you know, something about like, I don't know. If Alexander the Great was around today, he'd be called Alexander the Pedophile.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Great Pedophile. Yeah, the Great Pedophile. He's good at it. Actually, he might have just been a gay guy. I don't even know if he fucked kids. I think he did. He probably did.

They all did. They all did. Charlie Chaplin's daughter or wife was 14. God. Elvis, right? Elvis Zeppelin. Everybody Jerry Lee Lewis So many pedophiles. Young people are very attractive

Here's a remark technically they were afebophiles What does that mean? There's some guy will make a every once in a while when the pedophile thing comes up there'll be a guy on a video like on on Twitter, that's like, pedophiles are young kids. Ephebophile, you're thinking, that's 12 to 6, and it's like, okay, man, you can't be making this distinction.

You know what I mean? You just can't do that. It's always like, I don't know, they'll drag some Republican senator or whatever, and then a libertarian will come in and be like, oh, words have meaning. Libertarians are like, and by the way, there should be no age of consent laws because that's the state dictating what you do, that kind of shit. Well, that's the big Gillis guy where I'm like, oh, how did we all miss that one? Who came up with the state? Who made the ages? because each state is different so who is that guy like kentucky 14 that's such a great premise that's great no really funny that was right there peeves i do have peeves um all the all the airline travel right sure why on a fucking window plane oh window seat i already know lay it on your

brother fuck can't you put the head the rep the armrest up why can't you do it on a window you know you know because it's like as if because you're i'm a man of size mark you don't you're up against this mos you know but when when you're on like look the look, the aisle, I get it. You put the armrest up. I'm spilling over. You know, my titties are blocking the cart, whatever. On the fucking, on the window, why can't I fucking comfortably lean my entire body up against the fucking window? And not be wedged in the ribs. Why do I need a fucking love handle wedge?

Right. What safety thing is going on with the fucking armrest there? Interesting. You should make the fucking armrest be able to go up on the fucking window side. That's a good peeve. Good peeve. That's a huge... Because I'm an aisle guy because I need the extra space a little bit.

And you can fucking let your knee out. But I was forced to sit window because of some fucking... The planes have been fucking horrible this whole last three months or whatever. I was forced to go window. I was like, what the fuck is this? Why am I fucking, why am I, why are my ribs fucking getting poked by this fucking bullshit? I should be able to fucking lean fully, take a little nap up against the fucking window. Anyway, that's my fucking peeve.

That's very interesting. That's a good peeve. It pisses me the fuck off. I got a flight peeve too. Please. Dude, I don't know if it's been everyone lately but the turbulence has been so bad lately on every flight i've been on so i'm on the i haven't experienced that maybe god is trying to kill you haven't got me yet motherfucker but uh no i'm just kidding the guy who mocks god and

then immediately he's like but seriously i don't know suck my dick god but no so the turbulence is horrible and there's a couple next to me and the woman's like ah ah i'm just like oh come on now So the turbulence is horrible. And there's a couple next to me. And the woman's like, oh, come on. Now you're freaking me out. The husband's also freaking out. He's like, oh, and they're like holding each other. I'm like, fuck you. That's brutal.

That was annoying. That's one of those where I'm like, if I'm that guy, I'm literally like, that's why I turned to like an Italian mob boss that's about to kill, you know, it's like they're about to kill you. And they're like, don't you want to go out with some dignity? You want to die like a bitch? Like, I'd have to fake it from,

like, that's your wife, dude. You're screaming in front of your wife in your last moments. You don't want to give her a little comfort? Right, right. He's like, ah! Never a good scream.

Most likely you're going to get out of it. So then you get out of it and you're just like he's not a man yeah yeah exactly because i'm like now i'm panicking in my head because i'm just like fuck they're freaking out it's making me a little you know a nerd but you know they're doing that and then i'm kind of you're also reminded you're like oh i'm alone in the world yeah they're holding each other like no and i'm just like yeah i mean whatever yeah if i die i gotta go down yeah yeah that's a great that's a great, that's a great.

And so the peeve is not turbulence. It's turbulence etiquette. Turbulence etiquette. I love a flight attendant who handles it with dignity. Yeah. Because we all look to the flight attendant because they're the ones who are on every flight. And if you see, I had one guy, we had really bad turbulence on the way there too. He was just standing like this as the plane was shaking.

I was like, yes, that's a good guy. Respect. Because he was kind of like, it's nothing. He was just standing like this as the plane was shaking i was like yes yeah that's a good guy respect because he was kind of like it's nothing he was just like and you want to see that as a passenger like that helps it helps so much we all look to the flight attendant yeah but you know what they should do next time a guy's screaming like a bitch after it all settles down just go up be like sir here you go and give him a tampon just to fuck with him mark carries a tampon for the bit just in case just for the bit my peeve is the fucking announcements we got too many announcements

I'm with you alright it never ends and you're like we know all this it's silly and they take they stretch it out

it's like don't tamper play with fuck with touch reach around on this smoke detector

and then how about this one when they come down with the brochures for the miles, who is buying those? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's like, you know what? Give me that.

I'm going to... Yeah. You sold me. Well, it's not even... They're not buying. Isn't it like they're literally... You have to apply for a credit card? Yes.

It's like, you expect me to fill out paperwork and have you do a credit check right now? Yeah. On the fucking plane? I know. It's crazy. It's so forced. I hate it.

I hate the announcements, especially because I know some people that just watch the movies on their laptops so they don't have to deal with that, but I'm trying to watch The Winter Soldier.

I'm with you. I'm dealing with this bullshit. There's a pause. It's a good action scene. You disrupted the flow. And then I also, you know what I really hated? Back in the day,

I don't think they're in Airline America anymore, but Virgin, back when they were in American Airline, you'd get that morning flight. You know it's going hated? Back in the day, I don't think they're in airline America anymore, but Virgin, back when they were an American airline, you'd get that morning flight. You know it's going to be a long flight. And they'd do like a black-eyed peas type rap video for the safety. They'd be like, and you sit down and buckle up. And it was like one chick, two dudes.

They were like a black guy. And you're hungover. Turn this up. Stop being so fun. And it was like a long video of singing and dancing. So long. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Manscaped. Thanks to Manscaped, everything goes down the drain,

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Fucking ads, dude. And you're not getting the fucking ad. I'm not even going to say the thing. No, don't say it. We can suck our dicks. Yeah, it's sheath.com. It really is. I know they're a sponsor, but I fucking love that underwear. Great underwear.

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This is at a soundstage in LA. What's up with the girl on the right? It's kind of a good song, though. You can go in, but they have talent, you know? But when you're hungover on a flight, and you're just like, just let me get fucking a superhero movie so I don't have to think.

Of course. Yeah, exactly. I got the nun. I'd fuck that nun. Yeah. It's never been much of a thing. I guess people like it because if they're so religious and it's like been much of a thing I guess people like it because if they're so

religious and it's like a real you know you get you get the symbolism behind it that's never really you know appealed to me

because I'm not very religious anyway but what's your thing like a dress up is there one that would do it for you you know I just like

stupid hair I like dumb wigs I like just I like I don't know if it's a character I just I'm a... I don't know if it's a character. I just am a very simple visual man. So if it's like...

I don't want necessarily an outfit so much as I want like dumb lipstick, dumb hair, like pink wig or something like that. Pink wig is kind of hot. Like just interesting makeup. Just you, but like a fucked up, sluttier version of you. It's great. Like some kind of futuristic sex bot you know what i mean like that kind of shit well that's kind of a female peacocking you're like

you're going all in you look crazy it's very feminine too yes give me like bimbo from the future you know what i mean like that's that's kind of my shit but i'm with you tats get me i love tattoos i like nails on a woman sure i want the whole thing i'm with you nails yeah nails are hot but then i also i'm like she'll never stick that finger in my butt you need a bi girl it's so carefully have you ever seen bi girls that have all their nails and just these two not done and you're like that's a lesbian that's a bi girl absolutely yeah yeah they keep finger popping nails yeah yeah right girl wanted to set me up on a date and she goes but you'll never like her she's bi and i'm like yeah that's my problem why wouldn't you like her i don't know i was like

what's she gonna be fucking around with other women constantly she's like no i'm like i don't get why this is a deal breaker it sounds great yeah i know and i wish i mean this this is another bit that i'm trying to like i was doing it when i had a girlfriend i'm kind of trying to figure out a way to like run it back but we you know that's how dumb I understand it is homophobic but it's like if a girlfriend fucked a woman I literally I know I shouldn't feel this way I would be like nice like that you know what I mean and it's so stupid and it is homophobic because what you're saying is like well that's not a real that's not a real sexual relationship that's a fun little thing you know but it's like it is that's a good point they could be stolen from you by a woman very probably easier than by a man

they know the clips spots that we're not but i i and i just do think that like i can't i can't i'm the same way i can't take myself from that you know i think it would probably take losing your girl to a woman to yeah to be like you know what i but even then it would be like yeah but maybe this time is you know what i mean like i'm with you but even then i think i would be like well it's not me there's an i could have done sure it's a woman yeah you know what you got to do in that situation if a girl leaves you for a woman and she tells you you got to go i'll allow it but i gotta fuck her i gotta fuck her and then you guys can run off

my stuff's already packed Mark I don't know what you're talking about you know what are you of course not she weighs more than you it is hot though there was something hot about that yeah that would be great she's like yeah no problem and then it's just like just a girl

in a shirt that I would wear comes in. Just a girl in a 2XL Hawaiian. It's like, I heard you want a little piece of this, Mark. And it's just like. I was trying to work on a bit how it didn't really work, but how like, true story, I saw two lesbians making out and I was so drunk, I just went, yes, like loudly. And then they stopped making out and one of them was an effeminate man. So I'm just cheering on. I'm just cheering on i'm just cheering on there's no coming back what was he wearing a

tank top he just had like kind of weird hair well then you just look like a pro relationship yeah i'm just like i love love good for you guys love Heteronormative. I don't know, man. Yeah. But my, I mean, this is different for women where I've had many women behind closed doors say, if my boyfriend ever blew a guy, that'd be the end of that. Oh, interesting. You know? It's probably different.

Why always, it's weird when you hear guys like Harry Styles who are like, it's like sexually fluid. I'm always kind of like, is that, at the risk of sounding ignorant, is that, I don't know any guys really like that, I don't think. What do you mean? Who will just kind of- Androgynous? No, not androgynous.

You mean in their sexual, like heteroflexible guys. Yes. Guys that are mostly straight, but everyone might get sucked off. Do we know anybody like that? I think we know a lot more guys. And I'll be honest with you, I might be one of those guys. Really? I've never been sucked off by a guy, but I tell this story a lot.

And I don't want to repeat myself, but there was just a guy who reminded me of this girl I knew. And he was like a little blonde guy, hairless. You know what I mean? Like just cute mannerisms of a woman. And I was like, you know, I literally had another show. He was like, we were chatting at the bar. I was like, I have another spot after this, but if I didn't, who knows? Where I kind of think, I think for me, it's like, well, I don't even fucking care anymore.

Like, I've fucked a bunch of girls. It's kind of like just randomly fucking has kind of lost its mystique a little bit where I'm like, this would be an interesting night. You got to mix it up. It would be something. The post-ex would definitely be better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's be real. He brings out his Xbox.

But that's pretty, if you're going to go gay, that's the straightest gay. You know, like a twinkie, cute, blonde, hairless man. That is the ancient Greek tradition of hold around a little guy to suck you off after you've been doing philosophy all day. You have your little gay best friend who sucks your dick. Right. And that's separate from your wife who's there to make children only. You know what I mean? That was your guma back in the day.

Yeah, your guma was a bro that you could wrestle with and then fucking bounce philosophy and theorems off each other. And then he blows you afterwards. Sounds like heaven. Yeah, those guys had it figured out. Oh, yeah. But yes, I don't, but I do think like. I don't think I have any attraction to men is the thing. I just, yeah, I don't know.

Most men I'm with you. Like, it's like, it is funny when you're like, like me and my eldest, me and my and my but it's like we think about that all the time where we make you know you make the dumb jokes like why don't you come suck my dick and then every once in a while you think about that yeah and it repulses you to your core it really does and you're like how do women fuck us like that's what me and eldest talk about where it's like we are horror shows you know what i mean it's like you're some big lumbering hairy piece of shit i'm fat as hell but they like that but they like they do like that but bald some of them like a bald spot yeah i'm like that's what's manly than a bald spot but i would love to get a woman's head for like an hour

and just see what the hell's going on because they're very secretive with everything what they like they made a movie about that with mel gibson it seems horrible they gotta get better they gotta get in there more yeah no it's it's uh it is weird like every once in a while because i remember older women too are more open to like whatever is was formerly weird about us yeah they like i remember in college a girl wanted me to shave my chest and then i women now be like i love that you're hairy totally totally and it's like oh where were you when i was a kid well i do they grow. I think there's an element of they're growing up, but also like body positive shit has affected men a lot less.

Like it's definitely... Body dysmorphia is a lot worse for women, obviously. Sure, sure. But at the same time, definitely, I think there was like a bit of a fucking metro sexual thing going on when we were in our youth, right? Like when you're in your 20s, there was a little bit of that going around where it's like you know the first iteration of queer eye there was a lot of like getting your eyebrows done for the first time was going around amongst male like it was like a you know and i think it kind of went swung the other way now it's like you know you can be yourself

do whatever you want essentially and it's like you know we're so lucky guys are so lucky that women can see past the look so much. I mean, they can really, like. Who are you talking to, pal? Exactly. I didn't want to say it, but yeah. Like, you kill on stage. You're confident.

You wear it well. I mean, you're in. Totally. No, I've definitely talked to women who are, like, in the style for sure. There's a definitely. But that's the thing everyone does have a type and it's like and I do think and it's kind of goes back to gender or the sexuality fluid shit is like there is a little bit people are into everything yeah there's a little bit of like from the moment you're born you're like you

get either implicit or explicit messages of what it's okay to be into, right? So, from the time we're little kids, it's like, especially when we were growing up and maybe even further back, it's like, what it's okay to be into for us is like hot, like, probably blonde, probably, you know what I mean? Like, there's a specific- Skinny. Yeah, like, a type of beauty. And you get those messages and it, like, kind of fucks up.

And that's not naturally what everybody's into, you know what I mean? Like, that's probably, most people are are probably there's a larger percentage of people who are probably into that thing but it's not exclusive no and it's the same way where it's like people would fuck oh i mean you people would fuck whatever dude and want to enthusiastically if they weren't like if they weren't worried about like backlash or like not being seen as somebody who's cool like it's also like it's also like a a like you know like why do like it's funny why do like if if you know do you know closeted guys who like all their girlfriends are tens and you're like well that guy doesn't actually fuck women yeah you know what i mean because there'd be one six and a half that no

one else gets that just absolutely does it for them. You know what I mean? It's like there's – so I don't know. It's all like a complicated thing where if people would be allowed to be into whatever, we'd see a lot more weird people that were so much weirder looking, a lot of whatever. And it's like, yeah. Yeah, look at the search history. That's who you see them at a bar with. Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that is hidden. You don't have to show anybody what you're Googling and shit. In search history, that's who you see them at a bar with. Exactly. Because that is hidden. You don't have to show anybody what you're Googling and shit. And then you go to all these rooms or porn sites, and you're like, I'm not the first guy. Somebody made this site because they like this shit, and I like it, and now we're in this together. But now more than ever, it's like you see people kind of just doing what makes them feel good. Yeah, yeah. And that's good.

Which is cool. Feel good. That's great. And I have friends who just completely are like you know what i don't think i'll i ever want a regular relationship i think i want to just fucking be out on my own have different hook up with people and just kind of like focus do my own shit and those same people like yeah and maybe i'm bought like maybe i'm a little bi you know what i mean like just like everyone is just doing their own thing and it is it is pretty fucking cool. And then I also think there's obviously, like, a backlash of, like, some people.

Kevin Spacey. Don't do anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It depends what you want to do. You know, we're pretty open here. But there is a couple. That's coming, though. I'm telling you, that's coming.

And, like, kids, you'll be like i like getting fucked by adults and then we're like oh he likes it all that's coming yeah but like he's a fucking kid you know he also would eat ice cream every day you know what i mean it's like there probably are like think about us right when you were 12 how many times were you like i would i wish my biology teacher would bring me into this broom closet and suck my dick oh my god but it would have fucking warped your mind probably you know what i mean yeah i think it would have been cool yeah yeah listen i'm with you i'm with listen i'm with you too but it's like at the end of the day my biology teacher was an old man but i still would have done it there is a good teacher i think there's just the line of like when they can you know when people

can fucking consent to some shit. That is the line. Well, what about gender? What do you mean? Now you're getting blurry with the gender stuff with like kids getting surgical shit. I think as long as there's nothing permanent, it's like a kid should be able to do whatever the fuck they want. As long as they have like their biology may isn't necessarily you know irreversible i think for for the most part a lot of people are hyping that up to be like oh they're putting them

on surgeries and doing this shit when in reality it's like just a kid wants to dress how they want to dress be called what they want to be called and that kind of thing and i think like who gives a fucking same thing with drag queens everyone talking about how kids shouldn't be allowed to fucking drag queens shouldn't be able to like read the kids it's like i mean some drag queens are explicit that's exactly some of them are just like it's fucking cartoon characters yeah you know what i mean like it's nuance it's the way it's the way like you don't think like uh you know where can you can you kidnap take a picture with spider-man in time square exactly that's also a character like come on okay exactly that's a great point where it's like okay what if it's a guy in in an Elsa wig and he's wearing a thing and he's shaved and he looks like Elsa?

Yeah. It's Disney. It's like, is that? And you couldn't even tell really. Oh, you wouldn't have a problem with that? But it's like, is that an issue? It's just like, you know. What if Elmo's twerking on me?

That's what it's confusing. I think it's much, you know, it's publicized because it's the most extreme version. It's going to get clicks. But it's mostly a non-issue. Yeah, absolutely. It's just a way for them to spread outrage. Of course, of course.

Like, how many people did the bathroom issue really affect? But that was every fucking Fox News thing. Oh, I know, I know. Guys, come on. And, like, calling them,

like, what if it's a trans pedophile? I'm like, do you want to look at the odds of how many of those actually are? Just regular pedophiles. How about we do something

about regular pedophiles? That's what I'm saying. Give them their own bathrooms. Just regular pedophiles. How about we do something about regular pedophiles? Give them their own bathrooms. I'd rather my kid piss next to... That's how we bust him. He went into the pedophile room. Move. And it's also like, I don't want to be a hack because everybody on Twitter basically ratio that dumb...

What's that dumb bitch, Lauren Bobert, whatever the fuck her name is? Oh, she got her ass kicked. She was like, well, you got to keep them... Send kids to church, not drag shows. It's like, where do kids really get fucked, Lorne? Where have more kids been fucked? Also, those aren't the only two options.

There's other shit kids can do. What about Chuck E. Cheese? Can we go in the middle? DZ, man. And her. Oh, DZ, shout out. What a fucking place. Pizza.

Yeah. Pizza wasn't as good as Chuck E. Cheese's. It was all bad pizza, but it's still... Oh, it's horrible. All pizza's good. DZ had way more of the... It was more of an adventure, though. Yeah.

You felt like a big kid when you were at DZ. That was the first place I got diddled. Yeah. That's what the guy called his dick. Discovery Zone. He did skee-ball on Mark's butthole. He'd fucking do it in. Just three kids lined up with their asses out.

Pedophile skee-ball. He got 100 every time. The hottest one was 100. Some fat kids, some ugly kid with pimples was 10. That was only a quarter. Oh, DZ. those look like a fun place to take a kid

dude but you don't want to get a germaphobe in that ball pit I mean that's fecal matter all day long baby every time I swim in a hotel pool I'm like I'm just bathing in urine 100% it's good for the skin

I love a nice hotel pool Kevin Urine. A hundred percent. But whatever. It's good for the skin. I love an isotope. That's what Kevin Spacey told his victims. R. Kelly. That was in his book. I was a bed wetter. Yeah. Peed on a lot of kids. Until you're older, right?

About 14. That's crazy. Yeah, it was rough. 14 is wild. That's old for that. Was there ever anything that kicked it? Was there ever like an end? Do you ever feel like I'm clean?

I kicked it eventually at around 13, 14. but then when I would drink, it came back. So I peed on a lot of one night stands, which was, you talk about embarrassing. My God. I mean, you're already disappointing them sexually because you're so drunk. And then you wake up, you're both covered in piss and it's their bed. You know, we're all young and poor and in college. It was brutal man you disappoint them and then like your piss is like

the Nick Fury part of the Marvel movie where it shows up at the end more yeah and it's that been drinking all night piss it's like syrupy and stinky you weren't getting fucking eight glasses of water the night before that shit is yellow dude remember drinking when you were young

and you were just dude the amount of beer we would drink. Just bounce back. I can't imagine. Like, I'll drink beer now, but it's like, back then when you were just like, I'll just have like 14 fucking Natty Lights. It was awesome. I know. Beer pong. Honestly, at my brother's wedding, I had like fucking 18 beers, dude.

That's awesome. I was fucked up. Because I don't, like I said, I don't drink a lot. So it's like, I'm a fucking huge these days too so i'm just like keep them and they were fucking most of them were ipa oh i was that's a bad drum i was getting wild alcohol content i was getting fucked i had a great time but yeah but then i got coveted immediately after that i think probably i lowered my yeah my immune system a little bit i would get i feel like i just get sick when i get it does not all the time, but every once in

a while you get a hangover and you're like, oh, this is going to be like eight days. Yeah. A hangover that goes into a cold, absolutely. One of the worst. Because it's like all the fucking, yeah, because you're not, everything else you're doing is horrible for you too. And you're getting fucked up. And no sleep.

And if you took the booze out of it, you'd still get sick. Right. The booze just takes it to the fucking next level. And also the beer, you're pissing all night night the lack of sleep is the problem now you're waking up to piss i'll tell you what's been great for hangovers lately is i'll do a lot of natural wine no hangover man almost no hangover interesting but the problem is you're just still bloated all the time so like oh this is what like an o'doul's drinker feels like you still kind of feel like crappy yeah yeah but you're just not hungover. Yeah, there's one very simple solution, which is like, you know, stop, change the name of the show.

You know what I mean? We're in too deep, stop. Yeah, it's too late now. We're in too deep. Yeah, I love it. Any recs from you guys? Oh, I got to say, have you seen, I picked this for you. Okay.

But it's also great. We own this city. I haven't yet. It's the first one I want. Love John Bernthal. Love John Bernthal. So good. It's Baltimore.

I have the book. I started reading it. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. It's David Simon. David Simon. Did he write the book? No, no.

He didn't write the book. But it's the Wire guys made it. And he is so good at it. The accent is fucking hilarious. I've heard the clips. He nails it. It's great. I did Jim and Sam with him the day. Really? The day. it the accent is hilarious i've heard the i've heard the clips he nails it it's great i did jim

and sam with him the day really the day it was like a news story because he was the day where he was like yeah kevin spacey's a piece of shit that's because they were in baby driver together and he said uh yeah fuck that guy that's and it became i was getting picked up by news outlets like john bernthal says kevin spacey sucks and i was like wow we didn't we all know he's a rapist right but this is before that i was before yeah i wow. We all know he's a rapist, right? But this was before that, I think. Oh, it was before. Yeah.

I think he was just saying he's a dick. Damn, that's sick. Good for him, dude, because he wasn't even really popping yet. Like, Bernthal, I mean, now he feels like he's fucking untouchable. He was in stuff then, though, I feel like. Was that post-Punisher, post-Wall Street? Okay. I think he's one of those dudes that's good.

He's incredible. He's good. He nails his role. And it's fun. It's shot well. It's cool was in a couple things. I think he's one of those dudes that's good. He's incredible. He's good. He nails his role. And it's fun. It's shot well. It's cool. Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah, he was so good in that.

Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck. I've got to go watch Shot Caller. Fury. Wow. Yeah. My Wreck. Hot Wreck.

Yeah, that's a good one. I'm definitely going to see it. My Wreck is, you know, this happened by accident, but I'm going to wreck. I don't know if it's called edging or what it is, but I was getting sucked off recently. And there was a moment of miscommunication. And you know where you're like, there's like a millisecond right when you're about to bust where it's like if you stop it's just like the mo you're just like your body's like oh what the fuck's going on you're not gonna bust the dick kind of like it's like a cartoon where it's like you put your hand on the gun and it's like you know just kind of explodes and goes back in the barrel right you know and

uh this so i was getting sucked off and i was just like i was i don't know what i said i was like keep going i just said something, must've been mumbling. Cause I'm like fucking about the bust is the best, the only good moment of the, of that day. And, uh, and she just stopped. She just goes, what? Complete takes her hand completely handed mouth completely off my piece. I'm like, I'm like, I'm going to boss.

I'm like, it's good. Come on. I'm just like, what the fuck? She stopped right then and there. And then I was like, all like all right well it'll come back i guess i'll bust the second she goes back to suck me off my dick feels weird it's like tingling oh and it's like and i'm like what the fuck is going on it feels like fuck i'm mad i'm like i gotta get this out of me you know what i mean like right my dick feels like i'm both about

to come and not about to come at the same time it feels so strange and then i finally did bust the nut like 10 minutes later, and I was just like, whoa, like my eyes rolled in the back of my head. It was fucking insane. And now I get why Sting does all that weird tantric stuff. I literally came like women come. I was like, oh. It lasted long.

I was like, what the fuck is going on? I was confused. Never felt anything like that before in my life. That's what the song Bring on the Night is about, too. Huh? Yeah. Yeah. He couldn't stand another second of daylight.

He was dying. Yeah. In the end. Let me see if I got it. Yeah. You get blown. You're right about to bust. Right about to bust.

At the moment you're about to bust, you stop. Okay. You let it go, and you're like, oh, you know. And then you let it cool off and then go right back to getting you put off the orgasm basically oh wow that's almost like you bust two at once damn it was fucking weird i was like what the fuck i literally when she knew what she was doing here no not at all it was a fucking completely happy accident damn this is like how potato chips were invented it was an accident actually truly this is just

random fat knowledge i have that is how um the like crescent rolls and a thing were invented where somebody only had time to bake them halfway and had to stop and then came back and matt thought they were going to be like rotten or whatever and And they were like, well, these seem kind of fine. And then like re-bake them and like realize like, oh, we could like, we could halfway do them or whatever. And then you just have to finish them for five minutes and they're fine. So actually, yeah, it was. Wow. They edged the crescent rolls.

They edged the crescent rolls. Yeah. That's interesting. A lot of shit was that tea was an accident. Leaves, tea leaves fell into a boiling pot of water. look at that yeah fun fact yeah that was happened like 7 000 years ago yeah oh yeah chinese guy was just hanging out exactly trying to make soup he was edging and he's like oh shit some leaves are falling fuck it uh all right good to know i would say give it a whirl but it is it was tough.

Yeah, yeah, it's going to be tough to reenact. Oh, here we go. Was I right? The Slinky. The Slinky was an accident? Post-it note. All accidents. How was the Post-it note an accident?

I was an accident. Were you? Play-Doh was an accident. Interesting. Damn. Happy accident. Chocolate chip cookies. What? What the fuck what the fuck no i mean that's just fucking complete that's a that's a slam dunk it just didn't melt yeah that's he must have felt

awesome yeah who didn't think velcro what do you mean popsicle 11 year old boy you see old dudes in velcro sneakers it just looks fun yeah they just gave up completely. So I had such wide feet as a child and big feet. I was like, now I wear like a weird – my feet are bizarre. They're 11.5 6E, the widest you can get. Really, I can only buy new balances and like a couple shoes where I'm comfortable. But when I was a little kid, I had like – I'm like – I was eight years old with like size eight double wide feet. I had like, I'm like, you know, I was eight years old with like size eight double wide feet. And it was like, I was wearing old men's Velcro shoes because I was like, I also couldn't

tie my shoes until late for whatever reason. Yeah. And so I just would wear Velcro. And at first they make Velcro for little kids, you know, obviously. But then my feet were so big and I was that I was wearing like orthopedic old man's Velcro. Yeah. I was just like in third grade. You play basketball and stuff, though, right? What do you do?

I haven't played basketball since I figured out what my actual foot size is. And there's a couple of shoes that fit me, and I just stuck with them. I wore the Iversons in the Reeboks. I wore the Iversons in middle school. I wore the Dwayne Wade Converse. You remember those? A little bit. Those were pretty good for the foot.

What else? A couple Jordans. It's really just like shoe to shoe. You have to try it on and see what fits for you. So are you girthy? No. Come on. Really?

Just a regular run of the mill. Ah, shit. Sorry. It's really a brute. If women know how big my feet are and then see my dick, it's a real letdown. You know what I mean? The feet thing is a myth.

My dad has tiny, like, Asian lady feet. Wow. And he's got a huge hog. He's got a huge clit. And it tastes great, too. Oh, yeah. Tastes good. Tastes like Uzo.

Uzo. Dude, yeah. We should fucking, we should have some Uzo. You guys have gotuzo. Dude, yeah. We should fucking... We should have some ouzo. You guys got to come to Queens, dude. We got to have some ouzo. Go get some fucking Greek food. Just sit outside.

We got to get grilled octopus. Come through, dude. That's the most underrated food. So good. I know that... Grilled octopus, grilled calamari. Grilled calamari, dude. All the good shit.

Greek food's awesome. Greek food is fucking... Yeah, I'm sad. I really don't think i'm gonna go back this year just because like traveling seems like the least like what i want to do is not have to travel that's what's not stressful to me right now so people don't understand i just want to stay in one i'll have like one weekend after like we have a wedding and this and i'm like fucking hey that's what happened this tour at the end of i was booked

everything but two weeks and the like the leading up to the special release and the only two weeks were my brother's bachelor party and his wedding so they weren't real weekends off that's harder on your body yeah yeah yeah yeah absolutely travel you get why these guys go first class they go private jet it's just it's the travel that kills you yeah the gigs aren't bad at all the gigs are fine the gigs are nothing yeah it's like yeah gigs are fun the green room is nice yeah the hotel is nice but that travel because it's just hotel though i'm starting to like i just want to be in my fucking shitty little bed do you do airbnb sometimes i do airbnb sometimes yeah especially if i'm traveling with the crew because it's just like you get a nicer house you don't have to fucking you know

four hotel rooms that's a lot of money that's a p i'm getting sick of checking in why does that take 11 minutes or 18 minutes you know okay what's your last name do you have an id i hate that process you just turn in a dice you're like come on give me the key well the gym's over here we have breakfast at this time i'll figure it out i'll figure it out you I'll figure it out. You know what the worst is when they give you the map of the city? They're like, let me show you where to go. I wonder if I could find that on my phone right here.

Holy shit. They're circling shit. Get out of here. No, I definitely, you check in, especially the places that won't check you, for whatever reason, you land at one and they're like, it's not available until three. Brutal. Kill me. I'm checking in on a thursday yeah the hotel was a capacity on wednesday that's what you want me to believe there was no room available for me right now you fucking assholes and i know

it's a hack joke but it's so true like check in is at 7 p.m check out is at 4 a.m you know they just keep moving back and back yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah. With the polys of that joke. Remember that joke he had about he checks into the hotel and there's shit in his toilet and he calls the front desk and goes, you know, most hotels leave a mint on your pillow. Here's some classic road jokes. Oh, yeah. 100%. Yeah, man. It's the best.

I still love the road it's weird I do too I do too if it the way I describe it is if it wasn't destroying my body

it would be heaven like every that's a choice no but even the drinking let's look at your livers in a couple years motherfuckers don't jinx us

listen the liver's very resilient my my vice shows up right away you motherfuckers are gonna have cirrhosis in 10 years. Marcon is liver resilient. It's like a wife beater in the 50s.

You'll never get mad. Greg Giraldo is fine. Ah, shit. All right, damn it. But it's just like doing what you love the most, traveling and seeing cool cities, getting fucked up, eating good food, getting to fuck girl. Just like that is if that's what I want heaven to be. Yes.

Being on a sold out tour with your best friends and you feel no hangovers, no nothing. First class fucking sweets. That's heaven. That's literally heaven. You're on the flight. You're first class. You're sitting next to a MIL. That's literally heaven. You're on the flight. You're first class. You're sitting next to a MILF. Yeah.

Yeah, you're edging. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. She's giving you a little OTP exchange. She's jerking you off under the- 100%. Oh, they have all the John Wicks. You know what I mean?

They have all the John Wicks. The flight attendant walks over. What are you doing? She starts sucking you too. Yeah, yeah. Wow, this is heaven and good. The first class meal is popeyes that's literally what heaven would be for me and then you know you get to see your family during

the holidays but yeah but it's like it's unfortunately there are body limitations you know what i mean like whatever but oh no we're feeling it i i don't feel good my body is definitely not doing well the lack of sleep is is what kills me that's what fucks me every article is like dementia is from the lack of sleep i'm like cool yeah i remember my grandma at the end she was telling the same stories every day i know she was singing zippity doo-dah she was not making a lot of sense You're gonna be The old folks I'm doing I got this

I just wrote this shit It's pretty new Stop asking me Where I'm from sir Yeah Oh my god I'm gonna be trying Doing crowd work

With the nurses Yeah Where do you work Here sir Now let me change Your diaper Where you from Sir i'm from jersey i'll talk slower sir you're senile that does scare me because we we know comics will be telling the same stories

oh already yeah picture them in like 40 years yeah i know i know that's tough we should all quit comedy yeah i think that's the only people get back and they quit and then they come they're like i'm back and i'm like it's like shawshank you made it yeah leave yeah no it's the mafia where it's like there's no way out and the rare guys that do it's like never come back like you figure it out like we're we have no other choice this is the guy who tries to get out of The Sopranos because he inherits that money? Yeah. It just ends with him hanging himself.

That's comedy. That's your only way out. Yeah, that's it. I mean, now, I saw a guy recently. You ever have this happen where he was like, I'll send you my set. Not like, would you watch my set? Oh, dude. I'll send it.

I'm like, it's like my set? I'll send it to you. I'm like, it's like a favor. Yeah, of course. I hate when people ask for favors, but they do it like, I'm going to do this. Yeah. All right. You ever have the guy who you started doing comedy with, and he just fizzled out, and you're like, oh, whatever happened to that guy?

And then you see him, he's always way happier. He's always working somewhere, and he's like, how are you, man? I'm married now. I got two kids. I'm a pilot or whatever. He's like, oh, good for you. Until you hear about that guy in the news, you're like, yeah, he crashed the plane. You think he was happy, but he was not.

He was doing his act in the announcements. I think about that shit. The German wings guy. Remember that shit? Oh, that was awesome. The German wings pilot just – awesome. Wait, you're talking about the guy who was being... Who was... Who... Suicide? Oh, I know who you're talking about.

He killed a whole plane of people. I know who the guy Mark's talking about. That guy stole a plane, did loop-de-loops with no training, was just sick at flying the plane, and then crashed it. There was one guy who did it with... Pretty cool way to kill yourself. Pretty cool. Pretty cool way to kill yourself.

And he was funny on the radio, too. He was hilarious. Yeah. I'm going to think of another one. There was one that was... No, no. I know the one you're talking about. Mine didn't have people in it.

Who deliberately crashed the German wings airliner, killing himself in 149. That's not cool. Oh, well, that's fucked up. Yeah, that sucks. That's not cool. But our guy is cool. Yeah. That's one of the coolest ways to commit suicide.

Totally. Have you ever seen this movie? Here's a rec for you. Have you ever seen the movie Wild Tales? It's an Argentinian movie. It's like a bunch of vignettes. It's awesome. One of them, I'm going to give away one of them because there's six, but one of them is

a bunch of people on a flight and they start chatting with each other and they're kind of like, oh, I know this person too. How do you know? I think you've told me this person. It turns out they all know the pilot and he crashes the plane.

They're all people who have wronged him in a way. That's great. It's a bunch of weird, fucked up stories. That's awesome. It's a great movie. taste yeah i want to get into that's great i'm gonna a big part of my time off is just like i love i'm just gonna just

fucking watch a bunch of movies yeah i just want to get in there do the marathon days i'm i'm get i love i love a triple feature i gotta i gotta i have a projector in my house it's fucking like a hundred inch screen it's fucking sick yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. And I upgraded it. So it's like I used to be like, you know, I used to have like a shitty one where it's like you just couldn't watch it if it wasn't pitch black. But now I got one. You have Sunny Day. Can you watch games on there too?

Oh, yeah. That's pretty good. I watch all the games on there. Yeah. UFC guy? I'm not a big UFC guy. I used to be. I used to be when I was younger.

But I don't know. It's just like, honestly, once you start doing comedy, you only have so many. And I'm a hoops guy. You know what I mean? It's like... Stav and I text hoops every day. Yeah, I know. But my brothers are UFC guys.

So whenever I'm home, I like to... Which of your brothers is into it? Huh? Both of them. Both of them? Yeah, George and Nick. Both of my brothers are into UFC stuff. And so, you know, like when we were teens, the ritual, because when the UFC was like really starting, you know, it was like the Chuck Liddell.

Yeah, yeah. You know, that era. Who was the other guy? Who was the guy he had the rivalry with? Tito Ortiz? The other guy. I'm talking about, he's an older guy. Randy Couture.

Oh, Couture. Couture was sick. He knocked him out. Yeah, yeah. Couture was sick. He knocked him out. Yeah, yeah. Couture was fucking awesome. And then, obviously, you know, Silva was, I mean, unbelievable. Unbelievable. Anyway, we would watch, we would go to the Buffalo Wild Wings in White Marsh, Maryland,

and just get there an hour before the pay-per-view, just hold down a table right across from the fucking TV. Really? And just, like, spend our, spend my, like, you know, I table right across from the fucking TV and just like spend my like, you know, I don't remember what the fuck my job was at the time. Your paycheck. Yeah, I worked at Blockbuster for a summer. Oh, me too.

Really? Yeah. I love that gig. They told me that one of the managers was like, hey, we only pretend to send people to collections. If they take DVDs, we can't really do anything about it. And when they told me that, I checked out 10, just kept them and quit. Do you remember the movies?

One of them was like Platoon. I remember Platoon was one of them. Yeah. That's a good one. There was a bunch of Scorsese because that was the summer I was like, I want to like learn a little bit about movies, you know? So Cape Fear, the Scorsese Cape Fear. Oh, great movie.

You know, weirdly like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, or just one of the, whatever rom-com was around at the time. Well, you have a girl over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need one. I don't remember the rest of them, though. Platoon, I definitely, I watched it for whatever reason. I watched Platoon a lot that summer.

Platoon's cool. It was still on DVD times. It was still the tail end of that show. Charlie Sheen's a dream guest on We Might Be Grown. We've talked about him many times. He's got stories. He's got fucking stories. We're going to need more than alcohol.

He's going to go all in. We need some whores in here. He's got a new thing coming out. Really? Yeah, with the Entourage guy. They're working on something. What? Interesting.

Could be cool. Could be good. Two and a half sluts? What are we talking here? I would love to see the next thing he does. Yeah, two and a half grams. Charlie Sheen's good, dude. He's a good actor. Could be good. Two and a half sluts? What are we talking here? I would love to see the next thing he does. Yeah, two and a half grams. Charlie Sheen's good, dude. He's a good actor.

He's good. That's exactly what we talked about before. You don't have to be a good person to be good at something. No. God, no. You know what I mean? Look at Braun, the fucking Nazi guy. He's a hell of a scientist.

All right. Charlie Sheen. Oh, here we go. Oh, dramedy. I don't like that. Yeah. Dramedy is one of the, honestlyamedy. I don't like that. Yeah. Dramedy is honestly a really tough genre to pull off. It can be great, though.

It can be, but it's tough. If you stick the landing. I was hoping for a much more harder comedy thing, because that's what I think you should do. Where is he? Just something really funny. Is he in the photo? Unless they consider Entourage a dramedy. I don't think so. Yeah yeah it's a pure comedy all right

well good for you chuck martin sheen whoa interesting all right john c mcginley oh jamie lee singler we got some interesting names mark cuban didn't he have a hiv uh sheen yeah i believe so all right still cooking good for him you can yeah that's easy to get if you're rich you're fine is that what it is i feel like at this point hiv is not that i mean you don't want to get it obviously but it's like you can it's it's honestly a discussion whether you want herpes or hiv i think it's like really it's like a it's like not quite a coin flip but hiv has become more of a you you know. Yeah. I guess the same thing with herpes.

As long as you take the pills and shit, you're good. Yeah. One of our good friends has herpes and is married and his wife is fine. Wow. We're all going to pretend like we don't know who we're talking to. So is everyone listening right now. We will. I think it's funnier not to say it. Yeah.

Woo. we will I think it's funnier not to say it that person is Shane Gillis no no no he's not married should we do bits oh he did one I did one sorry I did one you wanna do one

let's do one yeah you go I'm looking I got this is an idea I have about like wow look at that this is the angle

I have you ever you ever do this in a relationship you ever pop an Adderall and just really listen that's my angle where you're just like really it's like it's like viagra but for your for your relationship where you're so i think the angle is like how that's like the new thing is like listening is the new thing where you're like uh you know back in the day you know it's viag Viagra. Anyone get a rock-hard cock. You actually feel, like, special after 45 minutes of, like, hmm.

Yeah. I like that. I mean, the premise got me. Yeah. All right. I'll play with that. Really listening. Like, I listen so hard.

I listen hard. Yeah. Something there. Yeah. Interesting. I'm trying to. Yeah, go ahead, Mark. Yeah.

Do more, dude. Fuck it. All right. Is this something? Okay. So I'm trying to do this whole thing about prostitution because I have a lot of prostitutes in my neighborhood at night. They come out.

And I know you're supposed to say sex worker, but I feel like I've given them enough money. I should be able to call them whatever I want. And that hits. But my whole point of the joke, that's like a little lead in. The point of it is sex is weird because we all like having sex, couples have sex, but it's the only thing that gets sadder when you go pro. Nothing else is like that. Maybe bowling. Bowling gets, you know, if you've got a friend who's a great bowler, that's cool.

You've got a friend who's a pro bowler, you're like, what's up with this guy? You know, something's off. I like that. And then you can have a bunch of examples, obviously. You get like, what's up with this guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, something's off. I like that. And then you can have a bunch of examples, obviously. You got like what's good is just like, you know, pro athlete. Right. You know, pro, you know, right, comedian, whatever it is. Comedian, yeah.

That's your job professionally. But yeah, you're right. Sex worker, is there anything else? Either way. Wrestling? You spend all your time in a mall or something like that. Oh, yeah. I don't know.

Something like getting good at bowling. The only thing is getting good at bowling, like you have to work so much. Yeah. It's so much work. Right. That's true. Whereas being a sex worker. They don't look like they do a lot of work.

Can we see a pro bowler? Yeah, they look rough. Yeah. Maybe that's the. I like that. Yeah. It's like, man, I know you have a lot of money, but you look like shit. Yeah.

Yeah. Like a prostitute. Yeah. And then something maybe like getting holes or getting fingered in an alley is that too written I see what you're saying

I don't know we got some gutter in there alley yeah getting fingered in an alley but that's the bull that's the ball fingering in an alley you know but it's what you're saying But that's the bowl. That's the bowl, yeah. That's the bowl fingering in an alley. You know what I mean?

But, yeah. That's not as – but it's what you're saying, and it does wrap up nice. Two fingers. There's something there. There's something there. It just puts a bow on it. All right, I'll play with that. Yeah. Okay.

Oh, you know what? I thought I had a – okay, here's something that I can't – I need a little something more to it I'm going through the old stuff actually This is good because I got to a point after I was writing this hour Where I was like For a while I was like, oh thank you buddy For a while I was like, I gotta do something new every time

And I was really, but then I just got burnt out I was like, let me just fucking get through this bullshit tour It's good that I'm like going through this shit Where I was like I stopped I was, because I'm trying to this shit. Where it was like I stopped. Because I'm trying to get a handle on my eating. So I figured I'd be sober for a while. So that way it's like you eat better if you're not drunk, you're not high.

But now I'm just completely sober getting up and standing in line for a low-grade cheesesteak at 2 a.m. Right. Which is like so much more morally devastating. Right. To just be stone, completely aware of it, and just in a bodega like, yeah, I'll take the cheesesteak, please. You know what I mean? I don't know.

There's something there, but I'm just like, you know. You're just on a different drug doing the exact same thing. Yeah. What's worse, knowing you're about to eat a shitty cheesesteak or being drunk and getting a shitty cheesesteak in a in a fucked up state yeah at least with the alcohol you were blocking this out like exactly with the weed like that's the problem with drugs that hide in your awareness yeah when you're making bad decisions already right you know maybe that's like the end words maybe that's why on adderall you don't eat because you're aware

you're so focused on how fucking horrible that is yeah when you're drunk you're like ah but now i'm just like oh i just really want this i'm just face to face with the reality that this is what i want right that's the angle where it's like i can't blame it on anything else yeah this is who i'm a guy who gets this fucking cheese you should do that for other like other things like the women you're fucking like everything is just you're like no this is just me yeah yeah this is what i do i only fucked a guy when i was drinking when you're sober you're like i really want to fuck a guy you blame it on the booze but it's just what you want yeah there's some i just haven't been able to cry i just think there is something very funny

to that idea of being like god damn it this was that didn't help you know what i mean i have to actually look at what the problem is instead of hoping a different whatever maybe the end of the line is like it sucks when you find out alcohol is not the problem yeah like i'm you're the problem it's not it's not your drug addictions it's you yeah it's going way deeper yeah yeah that's that's a nice angle and you blame the booze but the booze is actually just an out because you can go oh it's because i was drunk yeah it's just yeah just who you are you go back to drinking you're like well at least now i have a scapegoat you know i mean exactly it's a scapegoat okay this is good i have a bunch of bullshit that i forgot to do on stage some bits man um oh this is i wonder if

orgies have the same rules as like uh like road trips where it's like do little guy do guys with little dicks get to call shotgun they get to go first you know what i mean like the way a fat guy gets to go first gets shotgun always something right there's a guy with a little ass penis get to get the fuck pussy first you know a little so these are all and then close to that is anal is little dick reparations is what I have written down here. I forgot about these. And then this one, I think there might be something here, but, you know, it's barely. Hang out with your friends in your 30s is just reverting back to childhood where it's like now their girlfriend is their mom.

Where it's like, dude, dude, don't get popcorn. Dude, let's not get popcorn all over the couch i don't want to get yelled at this is great you know what i mean like this is great and you want to fuck them both yeah when you're a kid you're like oh your mom's pretty hot and when you're in your 30s you're like your girlfriend's pretty hot well in your 30s you have to pretend you don't want to fuck her yeah you're still jerking it later that was weird when you were young and you're just like dude I want to fuck your mom and they're like dude come on

they're playing with the hot mom dude come on now you have to be like oh yeah no she's a pretty woman I'm so happy for you pal and I've never thought about getting head from her alright we might have got something that's something there for sure the girlfriend being the mom is a rich premise All right. We might have got something. I think we got something.

That's something there for sure. Yeah. The mom, the girlfriend being the mom is a rich premise. Yeah. That's great. She's scolding you. Yeah. Because the only times you ever hang out is what you're doing, the stuff you would do, like when it's just you.

Yeah. And when his girlfriend's away is the same way as when their mom left you. Completely. For a sleepover. Completely. You're drinking more. Video games, drinking, snacks. It's literally the exact same night.

Same thing. I love it. As you did when you were, sorry, we got something there. Yeah. The only difference is your friend goes and fucks the girl instead of just going to bed with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's interesting. That's a great observation.

All right, all right. I had one that did all right. I think there's something here about gun people who, like, it's their whole personality. And it just bugs me when they act like it's only for emergencies. And then you see their profile picture on Twitter and they're in front of a sunset like this. And I'm like, yeah, that's not what you, like,

my profile pic is not me with an EpiPen. Like, hope I never have to use this. You know what I mean? EpiPen is great. EpiPen or something. Or, like, maybe Plan B could be funny. Or, like, if I fucking, if I shoot a load, so help me God, I'll fucking. You have one of those bandoliers filled with Plan Bs.

It's just one of the things where I'm like, this is the first thing i need to know about you right right that you have guns yeah it's only for emergency yeah no that's really good the epi pen analogy i had to open in tampa by going and believe me i know where i am yeah i'm not saying like i i get it but i'm gonna shit on you yeah what else is only for emergencies epi pen is good epi fire extinguisher i did i did i tried fire extinguisher i said shoot i said spray a whole schoolyard is what i said so help me god i'll spray a schoolyard with this that's good something there definitely something there air bags yeah oh airbags airbags the only problem is you don't choose when those come out.

Yeah. Guns, man. Let's see here. Let's see here. The gun stuff is always like, it's hard to find gun angles that haven't been done to death. I got a gun when I get a run by you. Please. All right.

Help me with this because this, I think, is an ambitious bit. So I need some help here. So I'm not a gun guy. I get people want to have guns, but i don't know if an 18 year old needs a semi-automatic weapon so my compromise is we got to treat it like a wedding you got to show up to the gun shop with invited friends and family and when the gun store owner goes does anyone have any objections this is great to these two coming together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And forever now, hold your peace, whatever. And now it's a public thing.

So one guy can go, I just want to say I grew up with this guy and he tried to fuck my dog. Or something ridiculous. Yeah, it's like, really? You should have a gun? You lost at Halo and you threw a chair out your window. Right, right. Something like that. Yes.

And they can speak up because it's weird they can buy this in secrecy. Right. You know? So it should have to be a public thing with the wedding. There should at least be a vote. A vote. You at least have to get 50%. Right.

At the very least. Yeah. Yeah. And then every time that someone does a shooting, we should get to see the results. It was like, look, he eked it out 51-49. Sorry. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah.

That's good. I don't know. That's good. I don't know. That's good. And then I want to do a thing like at the end where I say, you know, a lot of people wait till marriage to have sex. You have to have had sex to get the gun. Yeah. It should be reversed.

And the girl's got to come in like, I fucked him. I fucked him. That's good. Smell his trigger finger or whatever. That's really good. That's really good. That's really good because it's the whole it kind of ties into like the incel angle to shootings you know what i mean that could be let me see that trigger that trigger finger okay that one checks out yeah yeah yeah it's just it's

also so funny that like how fucked we are with the gun debate where it's like your your tone at the beginning of the premise was like now the the controversial thing you want people to give you a second on is that 18-year-olds shouldn't have semi-automatics. I know, right? Like how much gun people have won. They can't get a motor. It's like we're not even talking about should they have guns. Yeah. We're talking about should teenagers have semi-automatics.

Exactly. That's fucking insane. Any teenager. They can't buy a Michelob Octra. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I love people. Anyway, whatever. We don't have to have the gun control. addicts exactly that's fucking insane any teenager they can't buy a michael obolka but yeah yeah yeah i love people anyway whatever we don't have to have the gun control the baby yeah we don't

that's not we this is escapist drinking yeah we already covered you got you got to try but can you bring us a little glasses i want i just want them to try it give them a smooch i know peters it's freaking hot i'm sweating it's a little hot i I know, Peters. It's freaking hot. I'm sweating. It's a little hot. You guys want some shot glasses? I don't want to shoot. No, no. I just want to fucking. Let's give him a kiss.

Yeah. I want a kiss, too. Yeah. All right. That's the stuff. Let me get the bodega cat, baby. So what's the setup here? You guys did it with Chris, our friend Christopher.

Give me a little bit, too. I want just a little bit. Mm. Mm. Smelling rich. Oh, yeah. Salud. Get on this. We're almost out.

We need another bottle, Christopher. Send us a fucking bottle, dude. Oh, that's good. Isn't that good? I like that, boys. That's a little rye. Yeah. Yeah, it's good stuff.

I love it. You guys got fucking whiskey deals now? We're trying. We're trying. I'm pumped for it, man. Ooh, I had a little ouzo in there. It helped. Absolutely.

Went down easy. Love whiskey. All right, good bits, boys. Good pod. Good special. I mean, obviously, you guys know to watch Stav's special. Please watch the special. Subscribe to the YouTube channel.

I have the special up there, but I also do a short every day. And I do. That's amazing you do it every day. I do a short every day and I do twice a week. I do longer video, like longer crowd work clips. Twice a week. Twice a week, yeah. Wow.

Something between, you know, two and a half to five minutes, something like that. And then, could you pull that up again? I forgot what my dates are. This is coming out a little bit. I'm going to love the Google history after this is just ice cream and then yeah so i'm doing a little mini i'm taking most of the year off but i'm doing a little mini run i'm doing phoenix uh pittsburgh denver richmond and i'm probably gonna add something in december and i'll probably be doing shows in the city just working on the hour just kind of like you know getting it getting it getting it going and then are you

doing comedy wars downtown i am have you been there i've been there i did a sunday it's amazing it's great one of the great club love it honestly i like the one i like the one in the burbs too it's good too really good one yeah yeah the theater theater style it feels like a theater for papa there oh nice love papa and uh the king he rules and uh and um it was just really i mean just great clubs in general comedy works anyway you slice it and so yeah oh i got a shirt it's amazing i got another new shirt fuck dude i want the stavi greek yogurt one i'll bring it to you could you go to my twitter actually dude because i have a new shirt i have have a shirt with this guy Bread Press who does incredible. Oh, really? He does incredible.

Yeah, actually, I got to fucking put it. I got to add it to my website. But if you scroll down just a little bit, I have a new shirt. Oh, they have me fucking blocked. Yeah, celebrate that one. Go to view. Go to view and celebrate the most hard dick. Yes. So I have a

I have a t-shirt To commemorate the special Oh that's great Yeah yeah yeah That's great That's great It's really fucking good This guy Brad Press

Does good stuff And Damn Yeah so those are Limited edition Go get those little fuckers But yeah The YouTube channel

I'm really investing In my YouTube a lot It just feels like I'll just do that. It's the way of the future, man. And so, yeah, please follow me there, guys, and please watch the special and Twitter, Instagram, all that stuff, and come out and see me. Thanks, boys. Thanks for having me.

Thank you. I'm doing a big tour. I'm pumped. A lot of dates just added. Yeah, West Palm Beach, Buffalo, San Jose, Pittsburgh. I told you you have to take a fucking week off, Sam. L.A. I told you I was going to fuck you up.

Dania Beach. Not going to happen. Louisville, Irvine, fucking Omaha, Phoenix. Pick a week. I'm calling in a bomb threat to one of these so that you have to stay home. Brunswick, Oklahoma, Springfield. Bomb threat. Fort Wayne, Kansas, Tacoma.

Fort Wayne, you piece of shit. Instead of sleeping in your bed, you're going to fucking Fort Wayne, Indiana. I've been there. Are you out of your fucking mind? That's a rough room. I got heckled there for a month. Is that fucking Thanksgiving? You're going to Fort Wayne on Thanksgiving?

You know what? You deserve everything. All the back pain. You deserve it, motherfucker. They'll give you a turkey sandwich in there. It's just like home. You're sick in the fucking head you're spending thanksgiving in fort wayne indiana you brought food in he's

like thanksgiving you ruined it all right i'm all over the road as well he's about to judge me but he's taking even less weekends off you got that right i. I'm doing the Burt Fully Loaded Tour. That'll be fun. I got the Brandon. Oh, sorry. Hold on. City Winery in New York. La Jolla. Irvine Improv.

Come out to that. That's a fun room. Yeah. The Vogel in New Jersey. Count Basie Theater. I think that's in Connecticut, maybe. No, I don't think so. Wise guy.

Salt Lake City. Keep going. Keep going. Houston Improv. Big big room help me out there lexington uh what else lol san antonio we got a comedy connection we got the wilbur we got the neptune we got portland we got vancouver we got toronto we got the joy new orleans so we got all kinds of stuff oh where you playing in vanc Some Danforth, Danbury musical, something like that. It might be drunkpod.com.

Get your merch, get your cool glasses, all that shit. Gotham Studios, we love you. Peter's, McCoy, thanks for filling in here. Bodega Cat coming very soon. Hell yeah. We love you guys. Thanks for listening. Yeah.

Yeah. Sunday's the day for my next bender. I've made a fever wreck. You know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking post. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like the cops are coming.

And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true