We Might Be Drunk - Ep 85: Bodega Cat Sour

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

Recorded June 28th Riding with just the boys this week. Robot Salacuse in the chair giving stuff a Goog. BeerJew making some nice drinks, Chips Akoy with the hot takes on chips, and Peters just sitting back quiet. http://marknormandcomedy.com/ https://www.sammorril.com/shows https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Check out our clip channel:  @We Might Be Drunk - Clips  Tell us your favorite regional chip brand/flavor!  Support us by visiting www.expressvpn.com/DRUNK and get an extra 3 months free. Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code DRUNK for 20% off. Support the show by going to sheathunderwear.com & use promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order.

Here we go, baby. We're back. Sorry for that burp. That was gross. That's normally Norman's game. I'm copying his style. Yeah, who are you apologizing to? Come on.

Good to be... Dude, my stomach's dying. I'm in pain. I just had some bad oopsie poopsie, as they call it. My butthole sounded like a silencer on a gun. I thought it was a miscarriage in there. I don't know what that was. That was terrible.

I was dying in the bathroom. I'm chugging Pepto. I'm trying to get right for this episode. Oh, yeah. Because your boy went hard last night. Yeah? Would you? A little natural wine?

A little martini? What are we talking? If it was just natural wine, I wouldn't be hungover. That's the beauty of that stuff. That's true. You don't really get bad hangover. They did a little bit of everything. Yeah, yeah. Natural's the way toover. That's the beauty of that stuff. That's true. You don't really get bad hangover. They did a little bit of everything. Yeah, yeah.

Natural's the way to go. That's why I can't drink beer. These IPAs, there's all kinds of hops and barley and sugar. I want to kill myself the next day. Same with White Claw. It's all chemicals. I can have a couple beers, but I can't get beer drunk because I'm just pissing all night. The alcohol already disrupts your sleep.

Now we're talking about waking up every 30 minutes to just, you know, drain the lizardy. I can't be doing that. True. what sort of occasion makes you drink that hard beer no just like last night i was at the comedy cellar it was a special occasion i'm only there 340 nights a year and you had multiple spots yeah which is just you just stuck there so you just got to start drinking just to get through the time yeah when you start when you're there like i was there from literally like seven to one a.m probably really yeah i just i did five shows yep oh beard you thank you what are we drinking today you got for us today they're pretty simple straightforward uh whiskey sour hey nothing wrong with that i thought we're doing rusty nails nasty nails. We can also do that. Ooh, boy. That is pretty good.

It's a good summer drink. It is. I always remember he orders a whiskey sour and something about Mary. Matt Dillon, that's his drink. Whiskey sour.

Mongo, kid had a forehead like a drive-in movie theater. I love that movie. That's a classic. He steals, he stands up, his pants are off.

Oh, man. Lee Evans. Yes. You steals, he stands up, his pants are off. Oh, man. Lee Evans. Yes. You two should be kissing my hairy fucking beanbag. Classic. Yeah, I'm hurting, buddy. I'm glad to be here, though. How you doing, Sally?

That'll kill the hangover. I'm strong. You're good? I feel strong. You feel strong? Yep. Hell yeah, dude. How about New York right now?

It's like 75 degrees sunny. This is like, we get like six good days in new york and this is one of them yeah and i almost got disrupted these fucking scumbags in the street i'm walking to the subway some guy just on a bicycle he's on the on the sidewalk nearly takes me out and i turn around and go fuck you and he goes i'm sorry at least gotten i'm sorry but that's rare two women turned to be like angry for me. And I was like, hell yeah. Solidarity. I wish I had my mace on me.

I would have fucking maced his ass. Was he a messenger or a delivery? No, he was just a dude biking. Jesus Christ. You said on the subway? On the, I was walking into the subway. Oh, okay. I was about to go down the stairs.

He cuts me right off. Almost takes me down. Damn. Almost took me down to Chinatown. But you know what? I almost had my mace on me. He cuts me right off, almost takes me down. Damn. Almost took me down to Chinatown. But you know what? I almost had my mace on me. He's lucky I didn't. If I was carrying, he would have been fucking burning up right now.

Is that a maceable offense? That's a maceable. You almost take me out? Yeah, I'm macing you. Yeah, easy. Probably not, honestly. But he deserved a macing. I just mace him if they get close to me.

I don't know if you've seen what's going on in the city, but pretty much existing is a mace of offense. There you go. These subways lately, man. How about the Pride Parade? Did you hear about that? The shooting? I was there.

The shooting? Yeah. I was on stage during the shooting in Washington Square Park. Where was the shooting? It was in Washington Square Park. They claim it's fireworks, but everyone's like, no, it was a shooting. Oh, I thought it was fireworks. But then Liz was like,

it's absolutely, the manager was a seller. I don't know, but I was on stage so I missed it all. Apparently people were, like Rana in Hirshberg is getting to a spot,

everyone starts running because they hear gunshots. So it's like people running for three blocks, you know, sweaty tits flopping around, anal beads flopping in the air. Yeah, dildos.

Yeah. Slap each other in the air. Yeah, dildos. Yeah. Slap each other in the face while they're running, you know. I'm such low self-esteem, I'd be like, ah, they know I'm going on. That's why they're running the other way. They're worried about my act. Dude, they're running to get out of there, and I miss all of it. I got off stage and everyone was shaking. I was like, what happened?

What's going on? Yeah, apparently my lady almost got trampled in the subway she said it was wild damn but it's just a bunch of like people twerking and covered in rainbow paint and just running for their lives yeah dude no it's parades are tough i i yeah it's i was down there um on christopher street right around seven o'clock it was like 10 to 1 lesbians versus gay dudes. Oh, shit. The way it should be. Yeah. It's like my porn.

10 to 1, huh? It was a wild scene. A lot of lesbians were out. How do you know they're lesbians, though? They could just be ladies. They're all humping each other like this. There's like two women grinding, and then everyone else taking their tops off, doing this and pointing.

Okay. How do you know they were lesbians? Salacuse was jacking off. That's how he knew. They didn't like it. Yeah, they were pissed. Good photos. Thanks.

Wow, you were right in the heart of it, huh? Thank you. I know exactly where that is. That's right on 7th Ave. That's the CVS. I know it. That's a good CVS right there. Oh, yeah.

You want some Pedialyte, they'll hook you right up. Yeah, hey, nice boob shot there, Sally. A lot of tits out. Oh, yeah. When I was a kid, obviously at Mardi Gras, everybody would show their tits. And I remember being young, and it was pre-internet porn, and my uncle came, and he's from the Sticks of Louisiana. He'd never been to Mardi Gras before.

He brought the camera with the neck holder with the lens, and he was just, and I remember his wife was like, stop it, stop it, god damn it. I can't imagine. He must have developed those at home in his own dark room. One hour photo. Yeah, yeah. One hour photo, by the way. Can we talk about that? The things those people must have seen at a Rite Aid back in the day? Oh, yeah. I was at a whole Seinfeld, like Oh, yeah. Oh, there's a whole Seinfeld. That could stand that. Oh, that's right.

That's right. The Art of Seduction. Yeah. My favorites. We all did a pants. Back in the day, you had to get a dick pic developed. That's true. Yeah.

That was. Remember when you would take someone else's camera and do like a dick shot with it or a butt shot? Yes. And then just let them develop it. Oh, yeah. You wait six months. months you're like that'll pay off there's a comic there's a whole bit about i forget who it is but he goes it's perfect when at a wedding everybody would have the polaroids yes and you walk around grab one on a table boom boom that's it nobody would know who you are you know unless you're the only black guy at the party right or asian

unless you're the only black guy at the party. Right. Or Asian. These are good, dude. Not bad, right? Problem is, these go down real easy. What makes it a sour? The lemon.

Oh, just lemon? Well, actually, sours are usually not just like a lemon, most of the time a lemon is some kind of citrus, but also they have a sweeter side, and a traditional sour will have egg white in it. Really? So what's the ingredients for a whiskey sour? This is just a very simple one. This is just a rye whiskey. I like a rye sour because it kind of like it's not as sugary as bourbon.

Exactly. Right. And fresh lemon juice, simple syrup. And for this one, I also did just a touch of triple sec, just to kind of fill it out a little bit. Tastes great. Is that a blackberry in there? Oh, and then there's a maraschino cherry in there as well. Oh.

This is a Luxardo cherry, which is a little nicer. Nice. Love Luxardo. They're like brandy marinated, which is really nice, and they have great depth of flavor. Do these give you cancer, those maraschinos? Are those bad for you? The really cheap ones are extremely sugary and definitely very heavily processed, but Luxardo is a fantastic brand.

Luxardo, or there's another one called Febre, which is in those little Dutch-style jars. They're pretty pricey, but they're really worth it. Fabry. They really do. I mean, you put a nice little – it takes a cocktail from here to here. Yeah. It's very nice. The biggest thing about a sour is that the main thing that changes it

from just a regular, like, you know, putting three things together in a cup is, like, you just have to have a really strong, hard shake, and then that completely changes the texture of it, and you'll notice it, foam up if you don't eat like eggs you can use uh what's called aquafaba which is just chickpea juice like just the juice from chickpeas damn it's flavorless a vegan alcoholic exactly yeah exactly and it's flavorless but it foams up just like uh egg white okay so you can use that for foam or for like a traditional sour you got that at home folks make your own cocktails with a little chickpea extract i love chickpeas man

underrated underrated uh food there's a lot you could do with them because salad make a drink same time yeah well i mean hummus that's that's a hum huge. Huge. Throw chickpeas in a salad. Very good. Very nice. Yeah, a little protein. You talk about peeing a lot. So I was on this tour bus all weekend. Top bunk on a bus.

You ever done the bus? I've done the bus. Top bunk. The only problem with the bunk, I can live with a bunk. It was like summer camp. It was fun. But when you got to piss from drinking all night, it is a bitch. You got to climb down.

Then it wakes you up, you know. And then you got to pee, drinking all night, it is a bitch. You got to climb down. Then it wakes you up, you know. And then you got to pee, come back, climb back up. The bus is rocking a little bit. Bus is rocking. Hard to get back to bed. You're driving all night. Yeah. It's crazy.

Crazy. I was doing Ambien just to get through it. You did Ambien? Yeah. You drinking on Ambien? Well, I would. What are you, a senator? No, I didn't fuck any boys.

But I would just do, you know drink all night and then you got to sleep in this coffin basically with other eight other guys i got joey diaz sleeping six inches away from me just going cocksucker you know and i'm like ah fuck and then you kind of want to jerk off and you're drunk and you're now you're hung over and woozy and the bus is bumping so i had to take it by the way is there anything more foreshadowing than drinking yourself into a coffin holy shit yikes this is not gonna end well for any of us i just felt my body fighting i'm in the bathroom like yeah this is bad yeah this is not good right well the worst part is i got in shane gillis's coffin on. So that was like a real symbolism.

Like, we're going down together. Oh, my God. I remember growing up, I was drunk. I was dating a girl, and I was staying with her family. And I was just shit-faced. And I just walked into her brother's room and got into bed with him because I was so fucking drunk. And he was like, ah! I was like, sorry!

He was laughing about the next day. But that night, he was like, you fucker! I was like, ah! Oh, wow. It's like i i had no signals i didn't mean to put this out in the air oh shit you wanted it too wow thank god it was not the sister oh my god she didn't have a sister okay i would have hopefully gone for that one first i was once on one oh sorry That's how little she fucked me. I went for the brother. I was once on one of those tour buses, the coffin tour buses with corn.

What? Whoa. Yeah, in their heyday. And I was shooting them for a magazine, and they had like all sorts of strippers and then a dwarf. And I was like, this is amazing. You've got strippers. And I said the M word out loud. What?

Why? Because it was like right at that time where you're not supposed to say it. Yeah. It was like there was a time where it was okay. It was like 2006. It was 1962. And I was like, you've got strippers and this. And it was a record scratch moment. Everyone was like, why did you bring that here?

Damn. Really? The corn is offended is is offended yeah oh that's crazy yeah that's crazy because we all know brad williams he's fine with that word he is oh yeah what does he say about it he's good he keeps it short all right sorry melania's got the great bit about about him. They say the word midget is just as bad as the N word. He goes, I know it's not because you said the other word. That's a great bit. Yeah. Oh, I love the line where he goes, if you say that word, you're going to have 500 little people out there protesting. He goes, promise?

I love that. That's great. He's good. He's at MSG. Three times. Three times. i was funny i was in uh you know uh i'm like the lowest level of we have the same age and i'm like the low level of that guy is you know and he was in chicago with me when i was filming the special and we're watching the

rangers game because it's the playoffs and he's like he's a new york agent and he's rooting for the rangers to lose because if the rangers win and make it to the next round, he has to move a Mulaney MSG date. So this is a New York guy like, oh, I hope Tampa takes him down. I'm like, fuck you. That's fucking showbiz. That's like having a million dollars on one game. Yes, yes. That's a gamble.

Literally. Yeah. No, seriously. But yeah, I saw the pictures. I mean, that's a dream, man. Yeah, crazy. I saw Velez opened one of them. Yeah, and Seaton. And Seaton. I saw Seaton last night. How's he doing? He's good, man. Yeah, crazy. I saw Velez opened one of them. Yeah, and Seaton.

And Seaton. I saw Seaton last night. How's he doing? He's good, man. He looks great. He's a sexy man. Would you? Yeah.

Yeah, dude? I think so. I'd have to have a couple of sours. That was the weakest burp I just did. You're all right. That was like the premature ejaculation of burps. I was like, I'm sorry. Remember pre-cum? That was terrifying. Oh, my God. right. That was like the premature ejaculation of burps. I was like, I'm sorry. Remember pre-cum?

That was terrifying. Oh, my God. Pre-cum babies? Yeah, you always say, hey, don't, you know, even if you pull out, there's still pre-cum. And I was like, oh, I didn't think about pre-cum. Oh, my God. It's brutal. Pre-cum babies.

You think they're always early for stuff? Yeah. They make a horrible entrance. Nobody notices them. Yeah, pre-cups scary. Oh, jeez. He's got some on his throat. I'm all right.

You ever given someone CPR? Never. My mom, I got a chip, like a Dorito in my throat. My mom gave me CPR. Whoa. Were you turned on? It was very real because you're like, this is it. You know, you're getting

the stomach pushed and you're like, oh, wow, this is like the movies and the chip went flying. Damn, you almost got taken out by Cool Ranch. I know, I know, right? That's a tough chip. I'll tell you, of all the chips, Doritos will fucking it'll get lodged in there. Oh, yeah. That shape. That shape is rough. It's a violent shape.

It's kind of like Captain Crunch where it gets the roof of your mouth right ratched up right what are we doing here yeah it's it's it's like the snm of cereals i'm like i don't like it this rough it's a hazard yeah i don't like it like this the worst is when the real tip of the dorito gets stuck in the back like in the in the gum yeah you can't get it out. Like the popcorn kernel thing. Right, right. That's the worst. I hate the kernel. I hate the kernel. I can't get that for days. Colonel Sanders.

Where do we rank Doritos as chips? Are they up or down? I'm way up on mine. Yeah, you love them. I love Doritos. Ranch or cheese. And sometimes I got those spicy. Cheese is good.

What are those? There's a new one. Purple ones? Yeah, those are great. Those are good. There they are. What flavor is that? It's barbecue. No, that's not it.

I've never had barbecue Doritos. I've never heard of it. Are they better than Pringles to you? Yeah. I love a Pringle. I like a Pringle. I like a Pringle. I don't care for the tube. A little pretentious with the tube. Get in a bag like everyone else. The bag pisses me off because the bag is always

half full. That's true. You're always expecting more. I'll give you that. It's like seeing a huge bulge in a guy's pants and then you whip it out. I'm doing this for women, by the way. And then he whips his dick out and it's half that big. You'd be pretty pissed off. No Pringles can't air.

I could have done that exact joke, but with tits. And for some reason, I chose cock. You know your audience. There's a reason why there's air in there for shipping. Otherwise, all of the Pringles, or not Pringles, the Doritos get smashed up. Oh, okay. You're a chip apologist. He's got a chip on his shoulder.

But yeah, Pringle, I mean, look, the can is fun. The tube is fun. But come on. How about Utz? Utz are bad. They're not bad. Utz are solid. They get the job done. What are other good... How about Lay's? Where do we rank all these chips?

Lay's stink. Salt and vinegar is not bad. That's true. Cape Cod is where it's at. It's good, but again, I hate the plain. I need a flavor with my chip. Yeah, they have a salt and vinegar Cape Cod. Oh, they do. You've never had the... I only had the basic. Ooh, waffles are good, dude.

Can't have one. Yes. French onion dip is underrated. Get a little cheddar sour cream. That's an underrated flavor for chips. Yes. That's a good combo, dude. You know what's a good chip flavor is dill.

I love dill. Dill kills it. Especially the kettle corn. Best beer chip ever. Dill? Dill. Or pickle. Dill pickle.

Like dill pickle. Yeah, yeah. You ever get that pepperoncini uh flavor that's a good fucking chip what's that great one well it's the kettle kettle cooked ones right oh i think i know that bag i can see the bag in my head it's like a really tough scrunchy bag kind of like the sun chips but yes not as crinkly sun chips are kind of fun i don't like sun chips i mean they're not in the same category as the other ones we're mentioning they're like they feel healthier right right pick a side and stick with it they garden garden salsa what is this I mean, they're not in the same category as the other ones we're mentioning. They feel healthier. Right, right.

Pick a side and stick with it. Garden salsa? Yeah, yeah. What is this? What are you, my friend's hippie mom? Exactly, exactly. By the way, about the tube, do you remember that Mitch Hedberg joke? Yes.

It's like with Pringles. I think Pringles were originally supposed to be a tennis ball company, but they got the shipment wrong and brought in a truckload of potatoes, and owner was like fuck it slice them up yeah so good cut them up headberg is just one of the best ever what are the chips are there there's got to be other yeah what are we missing they're good i mean there's food pop no the dirty chips what are they called i think it's like dirty or something they always come with with those higher end bodegas. They're mad good. Kettle is good.

Zaps was big when I was a kid. Zaps. That's a cultural thing. Voodoo, is that your? Yes, voodoo. He had a couple of those. That's your New Orleans shit. Yeah, that's a very New Orleans regional.

I like a spicy shit. I like a jalapeno kettle shit. What about Takis? You like Takis? I do. What the hell's a Taki? So Takis are like those little tubes. Yeah, they're pretty good.

If you like the spicy Doritos, you'd love Takis. I've never heard of Takis. They takis are like those little tubes. Yeah, they're pretty good. If you like the spicy Doritos, you'd love takis. They're super spicy. I fuck with takis, dude. Those came out after silent films. I don't know takis. Wise sucks. Can we agree wise is bad? Oh, I've seen takis.

Yeah, no, they're pretty good. Wise is just like the- They're not my go-to. If you're in a bodega, your eyes aren't going for Takis. If you're in a bodega, you're going- My go-to's, look, I like a barbecue- They used to be our stoner snack. I like barbecue.

You can't eat a lot of them. You have to pace yourself because they're so good. You don't like barbecue? No, no, I just don't like the Wise. Wise sucks. They're terrible. That's bottom of the barrel. Wise is like, it's 2 a.m. It's the only option.

You're like, all right, I'll fucking do it. But I like rankings. Sour cream, barbecue, salt and vinegar. Where are the rankings for those? That's pretty good. That was a pretty good ranking off the top of the dome there. That was solid. Salt and vinegar, the first time you tried as a kid, it's like the first time a woman sticks a finger in your ass.

You're like, I didn't know that this shit could be. Yes, yes. Now see those zaps right there, Sally? You got that with a po' boy when I was a kid, and you were in heaven. That was the most New Orleans sentence of all time. You're right, though. Those are good chips. Zaps are good.

Yeah, with an Ibita beer whoo baby house you ever do house house i like house that dude fucks dude i don't know how else isn't that just a soda i don't know no it's not just a soda that's a great question beer jew house is not just a soda he makes a great seltzer though he makes a vanilla cream seltzer that's out of this fucking world who got the rape snacks oh oh i see wait a minute where are you from me that's what i'm pointing at i'm here for now where you from i'm from russia originally oh where'd you grow up uh i grew up in bay ridge and then staten island oh okay so you're a new yorker all right you're brooklyn you're manhattan you're rochester a lot of new york in this room portland all right what's on the uh what's on or New Yorker? All right. You're Brooklyn. You're Manhattan. You're Rochester. A lot of New York in this room.

Portland. All right. What's on that side of the country? Oh, good. You guys have anything? Oh, yeah. Lays always disappoint

when you're wiping your hands off like you just used too much lube. It kind of sucks. I don't know. I hate the Lays. Lays is meh.

What's interesting about Lays is that like because it's such an international company and a lot of other now it's starting to become here as well because laws are being relaxed but in a lot of other especially european countries they have different flavors of lays that like the fda won't approve here like bacon for example like bacon lays are we can't have that apparently there's some flavoring agents that just aren't allowed, or at least used to not be allowed. So, like bacon, like lobster. In Canada, they have lobster lays.

They also have ketchup. Ketchup is pretty good. Ketchup is a big one now. It's pretty tasty. Yeah, it's not bad. They have the chocolate lays. What? They're covered in chocolate.

I've never heard about that. Oh, dude, it's too much. Too much. Autorodic asphyxiation lays. Yeah, exactly. Too many pleasures at once dude i was just in this store in um holy shit kfc lays dude i was just in cleveland and they do uh they have a store that has all these crazy soda flavors they've ranch soda they have bacon soda

they have one flavor that's like puke soda and i'm like you just buy this to fuck it as like a party gag i guess yeah they have some flavors you're like that looks kind of good you know like bacon maple soda could be kind of good could be kind of good yeah there's all these companies now that started doing like international snacks that you could just order like so you can get like korean oh that's a great idea korean kit kats yeah so you can get like all this sourced. It's Kit and real cat. I mean, I do kind of like, I mean, that's the fun thing is like when you're in a bodega or something and they have like the foreign candies for some reason, you see like a flake bar or something. You're like, all right.

Yeah, that's true. You get a little British candy up in here. Yeah, they got shrimp chips, some kind of Asian thing. It's kind of fun, right? It's fun. It's like when you're drunk at a bar and you're like, I'd fuck all this. I remember I was in like a late night Chinatown like grocer type place with Ari, Jeff Ross, and Dave Attell. And Dave doesn't drink anymore.

So he's just like eating all these weird Asian candies. And he's like, this one really gives you a head rush. It's like funny to watch sober people enjoy candy ah hey right what is this christmas night you guys together wow clark bar do you still have candy ever on the road or no uh i do when it's because they put it in like a bowl you know they'll put like a snickers or something in in a bowl with candy to be like hey welcome, welcome to the club. And I partake. If you're in a bodega, all of you, and you see a candy bar or like, is there a candy that your eye wanders to first?

I think Snickers is the best candy bar. Really? I really do. I just got the nougat, the peanut, the chocolate. It's got caramel. Oh, yeah. Twix is fucking good. Twix is good, but it's too hard.

I'm going to go Twix for me. I go Twix over Snickers, personally. Oh, yeah. Twix is fucking good. Twix is good, but it's too hard. I'm going to go Twix for me. I go Twix over Snickers, personally. Whoa! Oh, no, you know what? I will go a little far. I'll go Mars Bar as well. I love a good Mars Bar. Ah, you crazy Mars Bar.

But also, I like white chocolate, so white chocolate Snickers is awesome. Dude, you ever have the Hershey's Cookies and Cream? Yes, that one's fantastic. That shit's guaranteed you get the dick hard and the pussy wet dude that's a good good ad for it these kids are like wait what oh you like those salad juice peanut chew what are you 90 hitting a hula hoop down a street with a stick goes down nice with a glass of prune juice. I know, right? Twix is up there for me. I'll tell you what's an underrated one.

Fucking any, like peanut M&M's. Any weird flavor M&M's, I'm fucking. M&M's killed it. Peanut butter. Pretzel. Peanut. Pretzel's so good. So good.

Anything pretzel is solid. What was it? Do you guys remember that Take 5? You never had flips? Take 5's good. Take 5 is amazing. That's peanut butter. Dude, you never had flips? What the fuck never had flips? Take Five's good. Take Five is amazing. That's peanut butter. Dude, you never had flips?

What the fuck's a flips? Flips with a Z. It's a, they're mad good. I don't know flips. You never had these? They're awesome. Oh, flips, yeah. That is good.

Those are fucking awesome. Do you go, I go white chocolate over milk chocolate. The milk chocolate's fucking. That's a $20 item right there. Is it? $18.79. What? A box of six.

Oh, okay. I was about to say. Good. I was like, what the fuck? This is like going the way of Cracklin' Opran where we have to get this in the black market now. I know. Gas is cheaper than flips.

Dude, is it just me? I know gas has gone up. Obviously, there's inflation. Has Wi-Fi gotten shittier? Oh, interesting. When feels like it. Are we going to invade Saudi Arabia? They've got better Wi-Fi. shittier? Oh, interesting. It feels like it. Are we going to invade Saudi Arabia? They've got better Wi-Fi.

It'd be nice. I think it's Estonia. Estonia has the best Wi-Fi. We've got to go there. Wait a minute. I'm with you. Do you have AT&T? They're fucking NATO, dude.

We can't invade Estonia. AT&T? What are you using? I'm AT&T. Me too. It stinks. And everywhere I go, I'm going, is your shit slow? And they go, no, I'm good&T me too it stinks and everywhere I go I'm going is your shit slow and they go

no I'm good I had no service in my hotel recently same what is this fucking what am I in Guantanamo Bay here

oh I know I'm with you the service has been bad everything and then you switch to no wifi and it's still bad

like 5G I thought 5G was the answer same I have 5G plus whatever that is yeah it's all over-Fi and it's still bad. Like 5G. I know. I thought 5G was the answer. Same. I have 5G plus, whatever that is. Yeah. It's all over for me, folks.

It's still bad. It's not good when you have to get rid of the Wi-Fi. What country can we invade to get better Wi-Fi? Yes. Speaking of, Uganda discovered 31 million tons of gold ore. Uganda be kidding me. That's a Chelsea Handler special. That didn't age well.

Wait, what the hell is gold ore? It's gold. Oh, okay. That's like trillions of dollars of gold. Wow, great. Good, man. Well, they'll be fine. I mean, that's going to help them out. Well, it sounds like they could use some freedom now.

Cash for gold. That's Book of Mormon. They go to Uganda. Oh, really? That's the whole thing. Because everyone's excited to go to, like, I get to go to France. And then they call, I get to go to, you know, Japan. And then they call them up, Uganda.

And they're like, what? What is their thing? What's Ugandaanda's thing do they have a thing besides gold or warlords oh there's warlords there brother oh really i want to do a joke is there something here for a joke or like about mormons how like legally you can only marry uh for poly for polyamorous relationship you can only marry one legally and the others are just like spiritual wives. But like, there's got to be some drama there. Of course. Where you're just like, I love you all equally.

Only Cynthia has health insurance, but I love you all. You know what I mean? Like there's something there, right? Yeah, yeah, spiritually. I never knew that. I thought like that Utah allowed them to just have. Utah and Arizona, you're only allowed to marry one. I don't know. For some reason, I've read that tidbit. I thought they Utah allowed them to just have... Utah and Arizona, you're only allowed to marry one.

I don't know. For some reason, I've read that tidbit. I thought they were all married. I don't think they're all legally married. That would be a fucking wedding, dude. Too many people. Ah, good point. Although, it's hard to get...

Do I have to get you a gift when you're one of five? Right, right. And it's, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do. It's a lot. Yeah. yeah i mean that's a lot that sounds horrible having five wives oh i mean one haven't yeah exactly i mean shit you're the only one here and i mean you're about to know uh i have a couple spiritual ladies on the side spiritual which is so funny we're not gonna fuck to fuck. We're just going to pray. But get on your knees.

What? Any peeves? Shit. I used mine on Rosebud. I have one on my phone. Hold on. Hold on. Let me check.

Hold on. I got a... I do have a wreck. Let me just say this. Have you guys seen Hereditary is it good holy shit we watched the horror movie horror movie it's by the same guy who did midsomer it's an a24 yeah holy hawk huh is ethan hawk no no no no it's gabriel burn and tony collette oh who kills it yeah She's so good.

She's like one of the greats. One of the greats. I saw Gabriel Byrne in the street once. He's puny. Oh, a really short guy? Tiny. Yeah. It's basically kind of a witch thing going on,

which I don't love supernatural shit, but it's so well done. It's so well shot. It's all these dioramas. They'll have dioramas with little figurines they pull out, and that's the set. It's incredible. See how that, see the diorama? It's really...

It's supposed to be great, this movie. You gotta see it. I don't want to give anything away. And for you to wreck this, Mark, I know you're not a big horror movie guy, so it's like a strong wreck. It's like shining level scary. I love Toni Collette. She's never,

she never disappoints. And I'll tell you, man, Gabriel Byrne, I heard that show In Treatment's great on HBO. I heard that too, actually. I never watch it.

Rachel Feinstein loves that show. Yeah. I should watch it. She was great in United States of Terror as well. Oh, yeah. Incredible, dude. Sixth Sense. She kills it in United States of Terror as well. Incredible, dude. Sixth Sense.

She kills it. Little Miss Sunshine. Little Miss Sunshine was just such a heartbreaking movie. Kind of attractive in a fun way. She's fucking hot, dude. She's on that show Rake. Great show on Netflix. Oh, is she on Rake?

Australian law show. It's awesome. It's about a bad boy like party animal poonhound lawyer in australia that guy fucks dude rake fucks rake look it up we'll pull it up it's really it's like a parent show but it's like it's like a parent show the way bosh is where it's really good oh yeah all right and also we watched apocalypto which i don't know if you've seen that that That was fucking awesome. It's good. I just don't like Mel Gibson. It was right before he got in trouble.

And so no one reviewed the movie. Did you go weaving on this show? This cast is sick. Is this British or Australian? Australian. Oh, Sam Neill. He found traces of your DNA on his body. Get me clean and get me out of this.

Don't give a rat's ass about the law. You get low-life crooks off all the time. It's out of this don't give a rat's ass about the law you get low life crooks off all the time it's justice i don't give a toss why are they wearing wigs because that's how they do law in australia still oh so this is australian suits yeah no it's better than suits dude i wasn't that i mean i actually like suits no suits is good but this is fucking really good they still do the wigs you cannot murder a dead i thought everyone i don't know i prefer a leaf blower but either way it's really good it's a really good show highly wrecked highly wrecked uh rake okay uh sam just specifically for you have you watched lily hammer yet no is it good dude

you're a big sopranos fan right huge okay silvio from the sopranos like just not even changing character at all goes into witness protection and specifically requests to go to some tiny norwegian ice town and basically just takes it over as a new york gangster yeah it's hilarious and it's it and it's essentially a sequel to soprano fish out of water is he playing sylvia pretty much yes he doesn't he plays the same character like it's not his name, but it seems like Mike or something. It's amazing how much a good song helps a trailer. Yeah. There he is. He seems just like a cool dude. Can we get him on here?

Can we hit up Stevie Van Zandt? Yeah, he's a part of the E Street Band too, right? Yeah, of course. But he's a book out. Maybe he'd want to come on here and promote that shit. Oh, that'd be awesome. No, Lilyhammer is incredible. And this is from like 2017.

They have like three seasons or something like that. It's hilarious. And it just, imagine like if Silvio broke out on his own after like everything like dropped from The Sopranos. I want a Pauly Walnut show, dude. I'm in. Sold. You sold me.

Lilyhammer is amazing. Pauly Walnut goes to Sweden. That's a show. Because it's fucking pale. Oh. I mean, dude, you got to give me a fucking Chris Moltisanti show where somehow he survives and you just give him a show. Yeah.

That'd be cool. You know how he tried to sell a movie? He went to Hollywood. That'd be a great. That's Barry, though, dude. Oh, that's Barry. Yeah, good point. That's just a show.

By the way, that show, dude, you've watched Barry? Yeah. That show is fucking phenomenal. People are raving. I watched a couple eps. It was good. I got to keep going. No, it's one of the best shows on TV, like, by a lot.

I think it's entering rare territory now. Really? Well, it's like, you know, when you have a couple good seasons, everyone's like, yeah. And then by the time you have, like, a killer third season, it's like, oh, shit. Shout outily heller she's i think she's a head writer supervising producer i think yeah she's killing i remember i was with her like when she started writing for and she was explaining the show to me and she's like it's about a hit man

and she's like breaking it down to me we were doing a festival in ireland and she was like it's about a hit man who uh takes an acting class and i was like this sounds great like it sounds like awesome and she's like yeah it's like the violence they want it to feel real i was like i'm in and uh it's fucking henry winkler i mean obviously it's like bill hader's show but like every supporting stephen root that's a good dude who's like everything he's in he's great great love root he's in that new cone brothers flick the vignettes on Netflix. Oh, we got a new Cone out? It was like a few years ago. Oh, okay. It was with like, you know, they did like six.

Oh, man. Ballad of Buster Scruggs. Scruggs, yeah. Really good. Loved it. Loved it. Cone Brothers are fucking the best. Man, we talk so much movies on this pod.

We just get drunk and talk about movies. Yeah, which is sad because I feel like the the youth aren't big movie heads they are that you're under you're under dude you're underrating it man they know all right all right look on like tiktok there's so many like movie people like just like there's so many people being like like these movies are great for this reason people are passionate about movies so problem is they don't make comedy movies anymore they really don't they don't i mean they don't make money it's a bummer oh they don't make money well they make stand-up specials and shit money and dvd sales which don't exist anymore ah office space but like all of us we all we're

all at the age where we grew up on comedy movies because the 90s were just loaded dude and even like the early 2000s you know but they were loaded with comedy movies and then like now it's like maybe they'll make like a kevin hart or tiffany haddish comedy but like other than that it's like okay i got an idea yeah the way with comedy specials we made youtube what if we wrote a comedy movie and we shot it ourselves and we sell it we could do it we could do it i mean list just made a fucking movie it's not really like a goofy comedy, but. Let's do it. That could be something. Let's make a coming of age sex comedy, but for people our age.

Yes. I can't get it up. We must get laid. Aren't you guys like 38? We're like. Dude, we should. You know what we should do? Coming of age.

You know what we should do is. You know what's a great. what are like the last great comedies like the hangover is a great comedy tropic thunder tropic thunder is great comedy through shows like barry now like these are our comedies now but barry is so dark it's like more than a comedy barry is like a great drama that's the genius of that show is that it's like it's funny but it's not a comedy it's like a really dark it's like a coen brothers tv show there's good laughs at how ironic shit is or how awful things are it's a funny drama yeah but i'm talking dirty work i'm talking silly goofball shit like something about

mary something we're qualified for yes yeah yes exactly just being silly as shit dumb and dumber there's no dumb and dumber now. Yeah, dude. And that made money. I feel like that made... Yeah, but the 90s were different, dude. It was a different time. Better time.

Better times. We just sound like old farts. I know. Every comment's like, old white men. I know. I think we could... Let's just fucking self-produce a comedy. It'd be nice.

I mean, we have writers, we have videographers. What else? We have a bartender. We're just shit-faced. We're just shit-faced. They're drunk. It's horrible. This is not a good movie. We made it drunk. You gotta be drunk to watch it.

But it seems like if we made one, it would be so throwbacky and crazy and unprecedented that people would have to see it. You know what's a great comedy? There was like the last movie James Franco did. The interview? No, he plays like a shitty filmmaker. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Oh, you mean The Room?

But it's a parody on The Room. It's a parody on The Room. Or a kind of a making of The Room. That's a parody on The Room. What's it called again? Kind of a making of The Room. That's a great movie. The Disaster Artist. The Disaster Artist, yeah. That's a great comedy.

Good comedy. You know what's good about that movie is they're kind of making fun of a guy, but they do it in not a mean way. Yeah, yeah. So you kind of feel... Because he's the most ridiculous person on the planet. But we all relate to that, like not giving up on your dream. And like he does it in a way that's not shitty.

He does it in a way where you're like, this is like an actual person. Right. He doesn't make it cartoony. He makes it. Yeah, I guess we do. Yeah. And if you've seen The Room, it's pretty accurate. No, he's fucking awesome in this movie.

And like the fact that he has all these weird accents that make no sense. Yeah. This is a great movie I liked it he's New Orleans right huh he's a New Orleans guy right who Franco no this character is he nobody actually knows where he's from he's got an accent like he doesn't have like a Russian origin story that great idea he's like he might be hungarian yeah true american hero to be played by me he has it all i get that about two times a week i get somebody going oh hi mark in my inbox just fuck it with me and now i'm gonna get 900 more because i just brought it up but i get that all the time oh hi, hi? It's part of the script.

He goes, oh, hi, Mark, and he can't get it right, so they have to keep saying it, and I get that meme or that gif 9,000 times in my inbox. Action, I did not hit her. I did not. Oh, hi, Mark. There it is. It doesn't work if you're looking at the camera.

Just that I get a million times. At least three times a week. He betrayed him. And then this guy, Johnny, he go crazy. Nobody respect my vision. You are a villain. I do this whole movie.

We're going to watch this whole trailer. It's a hell of a flick. But you know, we need to make a comedy. We should get a bunch. We know 30,000 comedians in New York. We should get six of them together. We'll write it out. We'll make it funny.

I'm talking raunchy, offensive, silly, goofy. Could be huge. Yeah. I mean, look at comedy specials. Everybody's like, ah, you put it on YouTube. That's not going to work. Good luck with that. You're a loser. No, it worked mean, look at comedy specials. Everybody's like, ah, you put it on YouTube. That's not going to work. Good luck with that. You're a loser.

No, it worked out, though. It worked out. Hey, YouTube is where it's at. Don't self-fund me. Aha. I feel guilty. I mean, here's the thing. We all make a, you know, we're making a good living here.

I feel guilty going to people because I think we're doing all right. Yeah, I'd put money into it. I forgot to put Patreon. No, no, no. Maybe, yeah. I don't think going to them is okay i think i think but yeah but i do hear you that like movies charge a cover i hear that but well you know you know the guy in new york nico i just did a thing with him like a pizza show where we ate pizza together oh yeah yeah so he just did like he just did the he just premiered his movie at

the tribeca film festival out of order, where he's searching for the bathroom. He makes cool shit. And it's pretty funny. He had this hilarious guerrilla marketing thing where the old Jewish men for public toilets would be hounding him through the streets, thinking that he's making fun of them through the film. I actually haven't seen the movie yet myself, but he's pretty cool. He's a cool guy. Do you guys want to do something that's kind of live in New York City or like a set piece kind of situation?

Well, I think a movie movie. We have different settings and all that. We'll figure it out. Maybe we can make a comedy version of Mark's bachelor party. Oh, well, there's already bachelor party. That movie. And there's already the hangover. We could do our own spin.

We make it different. Okay. Dude, the hangover is such a good fucking movie great movie galifianakis is so good yeah oh yeah they found his his thing and they just nailed it he's he's so talented galifianakis todd phillips is a fucking g and him too those two together You ever seen that video of Galifianakis playing the piano at Hamburger Harry's in Midtown? And he's like, why am I not famous? I'm killing. I'm so funny. It's a great moment as a comedian because you're like, yes, we've all been there.

Where you're like, what the hell? When's everybody going to catch on to this? Yeah, I love the scene in Hangover when they win all the money at the casino. And they're playing Joker and the Th the thief of the night you know badass music and galifianakis just turns out to be like a card counting genius and then and then it's just like the next scene bradley cooper's like we gotta do this again we gotta do this again sometime and his galifianakis is like i'm free next weekend he's got nothing going on so good he's got the black eye from when mike tyson knocked about that's a that's a great movie great movie very over the top fun raunchy perfect cast

you get like you get like the cool guy you get the nerdy guy and you get the weirdo yes that's fucking you got everything covered that's it and you have the straight man who's the bachelor yeah oh yeah but he was off on a roof somewhere. We missed him. Oh, sorry. If you didn't stick it after the first 10 minutes. Is anyone, like, pissed off by that spoiler? Ken Jeong killed it, too.

When he jumped out of the truck fully naked with that tiny dick, I lost it. Ken Jeong is awesome. He's fun. Real doctor, by the way. Went to med school. Dude, he's great on fucking. It might not be his real penis, dude. I don't think so. I think that's like an NC-17 thing, dude.

I don't think they're allowed to use a real dick. We talked about this on another pod. Really? With Simon Rex. You told us about it. Yeah. Oh. By the way, if you haven't listened to the Simon Rex episode of this podcast, one of

our best. One of the best. Hall of Famer. We love you, Simon. And you have an open invitation. T-Rex. And Simon, if you're listening, which you might be, he does listen to this, put in a word with Charlie Sheen.

Yes. Because we are all hungry for the Charlie Sheen we might be drunk at. Love to get Tiger Ball on here. Everybody listening to this right now, every time Charlie Sheen we might be drunk at. Love to get Tiger Ball on here. Everybody listening to this right now, every time Charlie Sheen posts an Instagram post, I want all of you to write, go on we might be drunk

and tag we might be drunk so he knows what it is. Every time Charlie Sheen posts something on Instagram, go on we might be drunk pod because Charlie Sheen would be a fucking G on this show. Oh my God. He would be headlines on G on this show. Oh, my God.

He would be him lines on the table. He would fucking like us. He would love us. It'd be fun. We'd get some drinks going. He'd have some whores in here. It'd be great. Pull up the scene in Hot Shots 2 when he does the fight.

You know when he fights the guy? Oh, I saw this in the theater. Hot Shots 2. Duh. Hot Dukes. Is it? I don't know when he fights the guy i saw this in the theater well two hot shots two dicks is it i don't know when he fights the uh he's in like vietnam or some shit i don't remember this was this is a blood sport he's shredded oh yeah oh he's the best these move this is a spoof these parodies they don't make these anymore either by the way They're great They're great This is what Naked Gun is Why don't they make these anymore

Naked Gun Scary Movie was the last one Scary Movie's good But I remember showing Naked Gun to a young I was dating a young girl And she was like I don't get it

Airplane was one of my favorites Airplane Kareem's going to Jabara My favorite Hangover movie ever That might be the first one They did ever This is fucking awesome. This must have been so fun to make.

It's so stupid. I mean, come on. Silly. Is this what you mean? Yes. Yes, I fucking love it. We can write this. But I mean, this is sort of like that Abrams Brothers, like, goofy. Yeah, yeah.

You're thinking more like Dumb and Dumber. Well, both. You can mix this shit. Anything, yeah. Dumb and Dumber had scenes like this. Oh, dude, when he daydreams in Dumb and Dumber? Yeah. Come on, it's slapstick as fuck.

That's true. Mark and I are going to make a slapstick gross-out comedy. Oh, what's the topic? Come on! I slapstick gross out comedy so many jokes this is we've watched this for 38 seconds we've seen some killer stuff already dude lloyd bridges he's a beast bridges fucking that's jeff bridges dad i know i know he's amazing another movie i wrecked on this the fabulous baker boys i've wrecked on this podcast jeff bridges and beau bridges great movie oh fucking 80s full things on youtube if you haven't seen it that's a great fucking movie yeah i gotta watch that lounge jack you fall in love with the road person fuck i love that movie spoof hot michelle pfeiffer oh yeah

she's awesome so hot i've I rewatched Scarface recently. Really? Just on a plane. I was like, I'll put on this. It's a perfect plane movie. Perfect plane movie because it's action. She's hot. Tony Montana's ridiculous.

It's great. How much blow do you think Stephen Bauer's done in his life? Oh, I met him once. Really? I did a movie. I PA'd on a movie called From Mexico with Love. You told me this shit. He was in it.

He was like the get. He was the big star. He's a good actor. Great actor but a bit of a mess. Really? Good time. But he's a he still looks great. Dude, Robert Loggia? Oh, there he is. That guy fucks. Vichlamana? This would be ripe for parody.

Like the way Airplane made a movie from the 50s. You take this movie and make a parody. You could make an Airplane-style movie out of this. A guy rising the ranks, you mean? Let's think about this, because what movies are made a lot these days? What's a popular genre? I think, like, the sad thing. Like, what's that one?

I think we've got to spoof the scam artist thing. What's a scam artist? Everyone's a scam. everyone's a scammer now Every documentary's a scammer We do like a documentary, a fake documentary A scam artist Or a true crime is big Like a mind map of like okay

Scam artists, catfishing NFTs, and then just Plug that all together Have you guys ever seen High Maintenance? That show, High Maintenance? Yeah, yeah yeah yeah good show amazing show like new york based but the way that he meets the strange characters along the way he delivers weed is such a good way to do that i know that that's it makes it more realistic but

wait we gotta go what's a trope not a trope but a thing to give what's that movie with francis mcdormand where i'm thinking of it's super sad it's super slow no no after that it won some awards oh where's nomadland nomadland shit like that where it's just bummery dark mark's gonna be mark becomes trans in the movie yes we're like we support you but his parents are like fuck you yeah fuck. Exactly. I think we got something there. Dude, the movie is just, this is our pitch. We're in an internet meeting with HBO. Mark is trans, and they're like, we don't understand. We're like, stay with us.

Ari Shaffir drugs him. They're like, we're still not on board. That's nuts. We support trans, just for the record but i think we got something here with a movie because a it's so radioactive that like you kind of go against it and you don't you don't insult it you don't downplay it but no you you parody it it's fun hey we here's the movie relief here's the movie uh scarface but with me and mark we just remake the movie. Here's the movie. Scarface. But with me and Mark.

We just remade the movie Scarface. Which one are you? I'm Bauer. He can be Pacino. He fucking, he murders me when he finds out I'm banging his sister. Sam! The whole movie's about Seal. I'm Manolo.

Yeah, the soundtrack is by Third Eye Blind. And I'm like, wow, this is the worst movie I've ever seen. Stay with it. It works out perfect. We're pitching bad movies. Yeah. Salacuse is Robert Loggia. There you go.

You fuck my wife? You want to pause it, Frank? All right, let's remake Showgirls, but show boys. There we go. So we get Chalamet and Shia LaBeouf. And we fucked them. Yeah. That's the movie.

A spoof, a spoof. We get a meeting with them somehow. We're like, all right, so the movie is this. You guys are dancers, and we fuck you. And they're just like, you've got the goods. What about, is this too much? Yeah. Slave movie. Stop.

No, I'm listening. Hold on. But. Hear him out. It's Jewish slaves. Okay. The pyramids. With the pyramids.

Uh-huh. But it's a spoof. Uh-huh. And. Modern day times. Yeah. And it's weak Jews. It's not like the bulky ones. It's guys like me who are just like, this is times. Yeah. And it's weak Jews. It's not like the bulky ones.

It's guys like me who are just like, this is bullshit. Yes. Hey, Pharaoh, a little help? It's drafty. Come on. It's so hot. History of the world. My allergies are killing me.

Pharaoh? Okay. All right. Rent, but with COVID. 1,000, 2,00 feet away from me. All right, we got something here. I think a spoof is in order because everything is very serious now. What's that?

Rent is good. Yeah, I saw it. That guy was phenomenal. I saw it on Broadway. Died at 35. Really? He died at 35. He had some sort of fucked up, I think he had Marfan's.

Marfan's? Syndrome, yeah. That's what I call my fans. It's when your skeleton is not in proportion to your body. It's fucked up. And his heart, he had some sort of heart episode over the stove and just collapsed the night before the preview of Rent. No.

So he never saw it succeed come on and his other shit's great they made a movie about him on netflix called tick tick boom andrew garfield plays him he kills it he's amazing in it i saw that it was good no he's amazing he's a great actor oh dude he's great hey andrew garfield if you're listening get your fucking ass and we might be drunk have a cocktail with us we'll talk all about uh tick tick boom your other projects my ex was that was his number her number one yeah it's called a flick flick boom okay you guys are all right good teacher really seems to care about what i have no idea did you guys pry on your exes or your your wife like her

her you know hall pass i don't usually no do you who's yours well mine well i mean that's so many my whole pass would be you know the lady at the grocery store no but who's hers oh hers uh right now my my maze is uh the fucking guy from game of Thrones, Jon Snow, whatever his name is. And would you allow it? No. God, no. But I'm just saying. That's like who she would want.

It's nice to know what she wants you to be, basically. Dangerous game to play. You think? Yeah. Do you ever ask or no? No. Yeah, I would never ask. Well, you don't want it to be like, you know.

It would be someone not looking like me. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar or something. Magic Johnson. Matt's wife is just, I really like Ron Jeremy. I'm just really into like Ron Jeremy. Well, that would work out. What, yeah, I never really ask, honestly. It is funny, though, when you're like looking at pictures of a guy with someone you're dating,

and they're like, he's really attractive. And you're like, him? I know. Sometimes it's a guy that I'm like, that dude's fucking disgusting. And she'd be like, he's got great eyes. And I'm just like, well, apparently he'll fuck anything. Ah, yeah. Well, I've heard a few ladies say Stavros is a sexy guy.

Stav has got something. He's got something. He's got chlamydia i did fuck confidence all confidence i don't even know how much confidence he has no stav is stav exudes a sexual confidence and stav is cool i mean that's cool when you're just really cool women are gonna be i've had like hot chicks come up to me and be like stav is hot yes and i'm like yeah what about you what about him is like it does it for you like just the way he carries himself and i'm like that's yeah let's go oh that's hot right there huh mama let me breastfeed i know um no dude stav is cool that's it that's what it i, and he's also brilliantly funny. Super funny. I mean, he really is like, so I get why women are like into it. I fucking get it.

Yeah. He's awesome. I think it's the same with like a super talented independent. Independent women? Yeah. That's hot. Like women who just do their own thing. They don't worry about everybody else.

You just hate a clinger. Well, that too. Same here. I'm with you. I'm fucking with you. Well, because you lose respect. You're like, get off me. You're clinging on to me?

That's fucking sad. Go find your own shit. Go fly. You're a lady. Go fly. The world is your oyster. Get out there. And she's like, I just met you like two hours ago, and you just came inside me. But the world is your oyster Get out there And she's like I just met you like two hours ago And you just came inside me

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Your balls will thank you and so will your lady or man. Yes. Here's my new move with all the abortion laws. I wear a condom and I pull out.

That's my new move. Let me tell you something. Smart. That's the move. I was with a woman a while back in fucking, tell me this a bit. i was with a woman a while back and fucking uh tell me there's a bit i was with a woman a while back in st louis and she goes do you have a condom and i go uh yeah have you been watching the news i think i want to come back to missouri i've got a fucking

condom it's funny you're more worried about baby than disease. Oh, yeah. I'm the opposite. Really? Well, you can get rid of a baby. You can't get rid of herpes. There's no clinic for that. I haven't been watching the news. It's getting harder to get rid of these babies.

That's true. New York, you can do it. If I'm in Missouri, this is going to be an uphill battle. There's alternatives. That's the baby's name, uphill battle. I'm just saying, with a baby, you know, there's a couple drinks, maybe a wrestling match. We can get rid of that thing.

But herpes, that's there to stay. The herps. The herp. Can you get it even if you wear a condom? Oh, yeah. Wait, herpes? Yeah, yeah. Really?

If you're wearing a condom, you can get it? Yeah. I think so, yeah. Oral, oral, heavy petting. Wait, yeah. Really? If you're wearing a condom, you can get it? Yeah. I think so, yeah. Oral, oral, heavy petting. Wait, wait. If you're wearing a condom and you have sex with a girl who has herpes, you can get herpes? I think so. I've heard that.

Might just be precautionary. But it also is around your pubic area, not covering that with the condom. So you're still rubbing, literally bumping uglies. Yeah. Bumping herpes. But I do have a drink called the herpes killer that I can cure you. Really? No, it'll just make you forget you have herpes. Party.

I call it his peas. Equal opportunity. Can you give it to the girl, Muth? No, I remember I had an HPV scare a while back. I remember talking to a doctor and he goes, everyone has it. You don't have HPV? Everyone, of course I do. Oh, okay.

I was going to say, what a nerd. Yeah. If you don't have it, you're a fucking loser, obviously. Well, I'll have it. Yeah. If you don't have it, go out there and be somebody, you fucking coward. Yes. But I remember I saw a doctor and he goes uh he goes i was nervous because i had it

and he goes he goes yeah dude i didn't know at the time how common it was he goes everyone has it he goes i have it and i said yeah he goes did you fuck in your 20s and i said yeah he goes then you have it and then he and then i looked at the nurse next to him she's like a hot woman she just goes like this oh that's a commercial hbv ad damn that's a cool. Like an HPV ad. Damn, that's a cool hospital. Oh, yeah, dude. You ever go to like urgent care? And I went to an urgent care and they have just pictures of like TV doctors.

So you walk in, it's like Dr. House, McDreamy. I'm like, is anything here real? It doesn't give you a lot of peace of mind if you went to a cop and they were just like, 21 Jump Street. We fucking, we solve shit here, bro. I know. Did doctors still put their, like... Their degree? Degree on the wall? Is that a...

Because when I was a kid, every doctor had degrees all over the world. You just look at it and you're like, shit, the Philippines? All right, here we go. Right. That's funny. The Philippines. Yeah, I know. I mean, no one's ever like hold on let me look at this you just go it's a degree but it could be a fry or something yeah that's true but yeah i've never seen the uh the headshots of other doctors oh dude my urgent care they have tv doctors

everywhere i'm like what who is this is this giving anyone peace of mind? Right. You're like, oh, good. Fucking Hugh fucking whatever his name is. Hugh Laurie. He is pretty cool. You do like that doctor that breaks all the rules. It's always a fun character. My uncle is that dude in real life. Oh, really? He's really like that dude.

Stav has met him a bunch because Stav is from, you know, the Baltimore area and he lives there. So, like, we've hung out there a few times we had dinner with him and stuff and stuff's like i fucking love your uncle oh wow he's just a cool guy he's just like an old school like doctor who breaks all the rules who's fucking who's always fighting the system yeah that is a good character because he's like you're like he's fuck he's a doctor but he's on our side. Yes. Because he fights authoritarians. Right. Shout out to House for, A, it was a good show. B, that guy's British.

Yeah. And he pulled it off. Comedy actor, too. And a comedy actor. He was in a sketch group or whatever you call it. Comedy duo. You ever see this clip on Sopranos where Tony and Furio fuck with Dr. Kennedy? You got the B on your head.

Dude, it's almost... Oh, yeah. Anytime a doctor won't return your phone calls, watch this scene. Here's a wreck. The most satisfying scene you'll ever see. Tony and Furio just fucking with... Yeah, here we go.

Also, I think Furio, besides Silvio, might be my favorite character. Furio rocks. I'm all Corrado. The way they fucking roll up. They give him the golf club. Oh, I remember this. He steps into the lake.

What are you doing? Hey, Doc. Hey, Doc. I'm Soprano's nephew. You belong to this club. Ah, me? No, no, no, no. I came here to see you.

Well, if it's about your your uncle you'll have to call my office well you might need a new secretary i don't think you're getting all your messages for you titanium i use one don't take it added 10 yards to my drives but i really can't accept it. That's the right answer. Yeah. Anyway, what am I going to do with it? Intimidation. I already got one, and Mr. Williams here, he don't play. Right?

This will be the fucking game. My favorite line in the whole scene. What can I do with it? What is it, Jack? It'll just be a minute. Well, I could use a little extra distance. Who couldn't? Damn, you can feel the tension. They keep stepping forward.

He's got a bad reaction to that chemo. That happens all the time. There's nothing that I can really do. You know, there are worse things that can happen to a person than cancer. Now you know how old people are with their superstitions. He thinks it's because he went against you. Oh. I was a surgeon, that's all.

You gotta be on the U.S. Oh, the hat flick is so emasculating. This scene makes me so happy for anyone that's ever been dicked over by a fucking doctor. Yeah. It is like a heckler video, but for people who get fucked by healthcare. Right. You just live vicariously through tony fucking with this guy yeah damn i love that like stupid a fucking game like i used to work at an italian

steakhouse so they would always watch the the pro-am tours or whatever yeah and just because i knew they were also like super hard over the sopranos because they're all long island italian dudes uh i was just sitting there and be like, still with a fucking game. And at first they'd be like, what? Okay, I get it. I get it. Yeah, Nick DiPaolo had that thing where, when The Sopranos was hot,

it was like on TV and new and fresh, all these Italian people were like speaking out like, this is not how we want to be represented. And he was like, fuck it, I like it. What are we going to represent? The Italian, no, the Olive Garden commercials? That's not us. That's way more insulting than this.

I'm surprised Nick Favreau wasn't on the Soprano. He was. Was he? He plays the cop in the Columbus Day episode. Hey, that's fun. And now he's just at that protest. Now he's just there. He's like, what the fuck?

Now he's just talking politics with John Sacrimony on his podcast. Johnny Sac. Now he's just there. He's like, what the fuck? Now he's just talking politics with John Sacrimony on his podcast. Johnny Sack. Any wrecks or peeves or bits or anything, Mark? Oh, shit. Well, you know I got a bit. What do you got? Hold on. Do I have a peeve?

Should we do some bits? Hold on. Hold on. I think I might have a peeve. I got a peeve. Hit me. People that do the fucking voice memo thing on iPhones too much on that's all he does i'm sorry salicus you're on the walk a lot you don't annoy me as much as a lot of people there's a lot of people

that really fucking bug me with it you'll you'll keep it short which i appreciate yeah that's 15 seconds that's the key 15 seconds i can deal with it's the people that give you like a 90 second one and you're like what is this your fucking podcast oh i gotta listen to your whole fucking life now i know it's i've noticed west coast people do it more than east coast people because they're driving uh but it drives me fucking insane because i'm like just call me if we're gonna talk yes just call me i don't want this to be the way go the way of texting because it's like you know we went away from calling with the texting which is like good it's like we all have shit to do and now we're going back to the phone calls with the voice memos but it's one-sided phone calls yeah it's all about you yeah it's associated to a voicemail that's it it's a and guess what guess who never listens to

voicemails say any of us we don't ever listen to voicemails if it's important you text me call me yeah no one listens to a fucking voicemail unless it's from like a funny a friend who like leaves funny voicemail sure way yeah no i'm with you i if i get a voicemail i just assume it's bad so i don't listen to it yeah you know some guy like hey you owe me 20 bucks or whatever i'm just like ah even then you'll get it on venmo though there you go everything comes through there's an app for everything now we don't need voicemails anymore we don't need voice memos text it i'm gonna stand up myself here okay please okay so if i'm trying to relay a joke there's intonation in the way i say and if you text it you lose all that call me

man okay you call and you do call me yes lose all of that. Call me, man. Okay. And you do call me. Yes. We all talk on the phone. You know, you call me, you call Mark. I mean, and also I preface this by saying you keep it short and I appreciate it.

There's people that do the 90 second shit and I'm like, fuck you. You're a motherfucker. May your kids get fucking cancer of the ass. And sorry, I took it there. Look. Keep it under a motherfucker. May your kids get fucking cancer of the ass. And sorry, I took it there. Look. Keep it under a minute. And I would actually rather the voicemail within a call.

Really? Because a call, I can't get off a call. I'm like, if you go, hey, I got a bit. Great. Okay, bye. We never talk on the phone. No. We've done Zooms occasionally where we just bat bits and shit.

But like, yeah, Mark and I never talk on the phone I mean we talk so much in person Like what are we gonna do We text a lot Yeah But we don't like But I call you gotta set aside time You can't do anything

You can't get on the train You can't go somewhere You can't buy something at a boutique Because I feel bad doing the Hang on hold on 2050 okay okay I hate being on the phone for like transactions Yes

I'm sorry I'm on the phone Because you feel like a dick. Then you're that guy in line. So I'll take the voice memo over that. How about the guy who's on speakerphone in line? Why don't you fucking tell him to go fuck himself then? Just in line.

Can you keep it down? Totally. Yeah, I'm with you. So I'll take a voice memo because sometimes you can't do a call. Where are you at with a phone call just to bullshit like i love a bullshit phone call if i if i have time i'll do it if i have free time i love a bullshit phone call yeah bullshitting's the best i'm on the road constantly as you know i love having someone check in i love someone i'm fine but like uh i prefer a call to the voice memo because we're conversing. I don't like just a, here's how I feel about this shit. Listen to my way of the world here as I tell you why the paper is stupid today in a four-minute voice memo.

All right. Ruffles over Doritos. All right. All right. Podcast stuff. Yeah. But I will, nothing better than taking a walk ear pods in phone call with a friend i love it i call you on the road all the time i'll be walking

around st louis with flip-flops on in the middle of nowhere hung over like i gotta i gotta interact with a human being because that's what we like we want to be with someone but also alone yeah and it combines the two i mean it really is i remember they said that something along those lines in the Carlin doc, we needed someone around him but not to talk to him. I was like, holy shit. If there was ever like a more relatable comic thing, like we hate how lonely this life is, but also we want someone around. And I do luckily have like an orbit of friends who check in and like,

but holy shit, because we're gone always. I know. I know. And then you're alone. Like Patrice said that great joke about women. He's like, I want to be with a woman but not with her. Yeah. And it's so true.

We want you around. Yeah, yeah. Then he does the whole thing. Great Patrice joke. He's watching the game. She's like, why are you watching that? Aren't you hungry? It's cold in here.

And he's like, what are you doing? You killed me. But it's a funny bit. It's a good are you doing you killed me but it's a it's a funny bit it's a good bit he's dead but yeah great joke every funny person's dead we should get a thing up here huh i know we got giraldo norm saget prior let's get patrice and carlin up here please a couple others have died we got i want to throw a shimmel up oh i love bob shimmel man robert shimmel one of the best openers of all time on the old dangerfield special he gets on stage and he goes i heard a guy got arrested for animal necrophilia how do you plead for that i'm sorry your honor i thought the cat was alive while i was fucking it that's his opener that's how you

know you're in for a fun night that's a brilliant joke that dangerfield special was like dice seinfeld no seinfeld was on the next one kinnison yeah oh yeah and this one had like hicks carol leifer who's super funny very funny um fuck who else robert townsend barry sobel oh buddy barry sobel hottest comic at the time dude bill hicks said on dangerfield if you haven't seen it game holy shit i mean just literally the most spiteful breakup jokes and they're so good yeah we're gonna get into that in the patreon all right you want to watch that i'm down we should watch them dude you know what I was watching? Here's a fun rec. 80s fucking action movies. If you want something mindless before bed, first off, I was just re-watching Robocop clips because they're so fucking-

Oh, it's too dark. It's so dark. It's so dark. Paul Verhoeven. Shoots a guy's hand off. Dude, it's insane. Pull up the last scene of Robocop. It's so fucking hilarious.

Are we doing too many clips this episode? Am I overdoing it? No, I'm just saying. This is Dead or Alive. You're coming with me. Murphy. Final scene? This is one or two?

Of one. No, final scene. Ending scene. It's fucking gold. Netflix did a thing where they'd show the making of RoboCop, and it's incredible. Oh, dude, that guy, that director is like a genius, man. What is he, a Norwegian or something? Some shit, yeah. Like that. I mean, is this the last scene? No, like a genius, man. What is he, a Norwegian or something? Some shit, yeah.

Like that. I mean, is this the last scene? No, in the office, dude. Oh, that's not the... Here we go, here we go. This is the dude from Beverly Hills Cop. The guy you love in Beverly Hills Cop is the villain here. Right.

It must be weird to get this role and then they just cover your face the whole time. Right, well, he's out now. But yeah, that's true. It's very telling of the future. Oh, shit. It's like the Hunter Biden laptop. Here we go.

I killed Bob Morton because he made a mistake. Now it's time to erase that mistake. the Hunter Biden laptop. Here we go. This is Detroit. Does this move ever work in a room full of like 30 people? You just put a gun to a guy's throat. I'll take you all out alive. Right. Why do you have a gun

in the boardroom? Huh? Why do you have a gun in the boardroom? Oh, the old geezer. That's a rough thing to be called. I know, they look the same age. Thank you. Oh, good for you, old man.

Yeah. You know he's going out that high rise. Look at him smile. The black guy smile. That's a... But look at the smile here. Look at him. They go back to black guy here. No one's fazed by that?

Wait, in the same vein, Demolition Man? Great movie. That's 90s. Is that 90s? Yeah. That's a good one. But still, fun. Sylvester Stallone knitting.

Oh, yeah. With Sandra Bullock. Yeah, right. You don't know how to use a seashell. Three seashells. Oh, dude. And Wesley Snipes just underrated. Funny as shit.

He's good at everything. I think that's why overalls became such a big thing after that movie. That movie's solid. I rewatched White Man Can't Jump. He steals and he's so fucking charming. He's glowing. He's so good. Woody's amazing, too. He's glowing. He's so good. Woody's amazing, too.

And Rosie. That's a good fucking movie, dude. And a hook shot. I believe they're remaking it. I know. I know. And they're doing Jack Harlow. Let me tell you something about this guy, man.

I watched him play. He can't play. He can't ball? Come on. Pull up his game. He's got weird form. This is fighting words here. Hey, I'm about to give a shout out to our boy Rick Glassman.

Yeah, the glass. Glassman should have gotten the part. Rick Glassman can hoop. Did he audition? He auditioned. What? Pull up his form. Oh, that was very funny.

Wait, who is that? He just pushes his ball. He's not really shooting it. Hey, he made it. That's lucky. If it goes in, it goes in. Is that Harlow? Yeah.

They're down by 15 points, though. He does have the same demeanor of Woody Harrelson, though. Woody can play. Look at this guy. He's stealing this. Lay up. Look at that awful form, though. Bad form.

It's going in, but I ain't buying it. Well, hey, that's what my lady said. Have you guys ever heard of what Woody Harrelson's dad was? As a hitman. Yeah, he was a hitman for the mob. In Texas. Killed a judge, I think. No, I think.

Judge Judy. Harvey Oswald was shot a judge before he. No, no, no, no. Woody Harrelson's father was in prison for life. This movie is so good. I love White Man. Hold on. I'm going to my car to get my other gun. Oh, dude. Raymond? Raymond? Oh, my God.

When he robs the liquor store and the guy is just like, dude. He's like, alright. Then he buys a gun off him. Yeah, yeah. You're going to need you a gun in a neighborhood like this. Now you're robbing me. He's got a switchblade. Raymond? I mean, this neighborhood like this now you're robbing me he's got a switchblade uh raymond i mean this is it's you know the the buddy comedy is really like yes it was a new spin on the buddy comedy or instead of like you know a cop movie a cop movie it's white guy black guy

in the hood yeah good point you get the racial in basketball and the cultures colliding when you can't hear jimmy all that shit amazing with the puerto rican girlfriend so many layers and also the guy who like blew out his knee or whatever in college or no he fixed he blew the game he pulled the but i love the idea of like you could have you could have been a contender that always fucking right that always stings when you're like, this dude deserves better, but this is what he does. Woody's great in that movie. No question.

Which one of you guys is going to be Wesley and which one of you guys is going to be Woody in this spoof? Can we do double Woody? We're doing it right now. Double penetration. You just want Rosie Perez on this. Dude, I think,

you know, I think it's a solid movie though, man. So good. Hey, Woody Harrelson, you'd be a great guest in We Might Be Drunk. Wesley Snipes, you'd be a great guest. Both of them. Both of you. Just call this episode Everybody We Want in their names.

Bong, bong, bong, bong. No, but seriously, the Charlie Sheen shit, I think we can get Charlie Sheen. I think we can get him. Dream guest. He's going to come to New York at some point. Everyone annoy the shit out of charlie sheen like i'm talking everyone every time he posts on instagram what do we say what's the thing everyone come on come on at we might be drunk come on at we might be drunk and we know every movie we can talk to i know every movie i know

his whole encyclopedia i know the whole i, I was following winning Tiger Blood. I know all of it. So he did a tour with Jeff Ross. We know Ross. We know Simon Rex. We're in. Come on, Charlie. Chuck. Book it, dude.

Come on, baby. Book it. Tiger Blood. We love you, bro. I'm not talking some Zoom bullshit. I'm talking on the couch, warm butt on the couch. I was watching old Spin City episodes. His delivery is perfect like you

know what he you know what he does well there's like that uh there's always the character like the woman he dicked over and he's trying to make it right like he's just fucked so many women that he just feels guilty and i think it was marcia cross was the guest star and she's like you just left and you left a note that's all you did and he goes well you know it was the only way i could express myself and she holds it up and says, later, Charlie. Shit like that. You're like, oh, it's like, that's a great character. The sleazy guy who's like doing his best.

Yeah, me and my dad would replay him doing the guy in Ferris Bueller on drugs. What are you in for? Drugs. Oh, here we go. It's fucking great. We're just watching clips this episode. We're just drugs. I love Acapulco. We went to Cancun. At least it's fucking great. We're just watching clips this episode. We're just drunk. I love Acapulco.

We went to Cancun. At least the weather was great. It rained all week. But it gave us a lot of chances to sit in restaurants eating tacos. Right. This was comedy. He doesn't remember fucking this lady in another country, and it's a joke. That's hilarious's hilarious this would not fly today no way no way but the the fucked up thing

about this is what sucks about like whatever the way things are going is now the joke is women doing that to men which i'm fine with but they're like how do you like it we're like we're fine with it but let us do it too yeah you know they're like hey well we're now we're gonna do the man is the butt of the joke which is great but you're just doing what we did yeah you didn't like it before yeah yeah now you like it because you're doing it so you're just as bad as us so don't act like you're better don't act like you're uh more moral it's just the same fucking joke yeah that's what annoys me about the i'm not more at all i don't care what my last name says i'm fucking scum yeah no i think uh you see what i'm saying no no totally i mean like i mean that's what

bridesmaids is a great movie but it's the same it's you're doing yeah the same train wreck same shit train wreck's great it's great it's a funny movie bridesmaid funny movie but like it's the same tropes just reversed male to female of course but it also had never been done so it's like for that reason you got to be like well this is fuck it is groundbreaking in that way right i do think like yeah let's i think here's the thing at a certain point it'll become funny again it needs to comedy it'll be back yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah. Well, we're going to write it. We're going to write it. Someone needs to make a movie, dude.

Have we talked about this episode? It'd be nice. Someone should make a movie. Uh-huh. And I think Charlie Sheen should direct it. Sheen, Sheen, Sheen, Sheen, Sheen, Sheen. At least cater it. Something.

Don't mind us do a bit. I think we have some time. Oh, yeah, you got a bit? I got have some time oh yeah you got a bit i got bit stuff hit me with i got all these abortion jokes i had this one about uh how like the the abortion pill there's a pill they're mailing it to everyone now because of what's going on you can order it online the order the abortion pill which i say like how long before we get a abortion pill commercials well like the abortion pill we deliver say like how long before we get abortion pill commercials well like the abortion pill we deliver so that you don't have to ah nice yeah there's something there

that's good and then i have a thing about uh what else did i tell you did i do the reincarnation one here i said i believe in reincarnation i think uh i think if you're an unwanted aborted fetus you will someday come back as that guy at parties Where everyone's like who invited him Oh yeah you did do that Let me try a different one You're still unwanted What else

I mean what do you got I'll look for more I got Some dumb ideas None of these are great Okay Can you help me with this one Cause this one is something there I had some dumb ideas. None of these are great. Love dumb ideas, bro. Okay. Can you help me with this one? Because this one is something there, but it needs a lot of work.

You know, we always talk about progress, whatever. We're making progress. What about the fact that left-handed people used to be considered evil? Like that was a real thing. They were sinister. It's an Italian term. Sinistra. Sinistra means left. Left. left yes so we thought left-handed were evil now we don't think about left-handed people so we've come a long way but back in the day what a crazy time like a guy would punch his

wife at a bar and be like that guy just hit his wife but what hand did he use you know like there's something to the fact that you could do horrible shit back then, but if you used the wrong hand, that was evil. Not the horrible shit. The hand you used. And I don't know where to go with it. Yeah. No, hold on, hold on, hold on. It's tough.

In Muslim cultures, you don't do anything with your left hand. Is that right? Because that's the hand you wipe your ass with. You would never shake or do anything with your left hand. Is that right? Because that's the hand you wipe your ass with. You would never shake or do anything with your left hand. It'd be insulting to the person. Yeah. You gotta be tough being that left hand. The right hand's got all the good duties.

You know, the right hand, you're writing, we're throwing the ball, then you're like, what do I get? He's like, you get to finger my butthole after I take a shit. Yeah, the right hand has all the good duties and the left hand just has the duties. Yeah,

just the duties. Yeah, the duties. The duties. What do you think about, hmm, yeah, being a left,

it's weird that being a lefty is like akin to being evil. Well, I wonder if they treat it like gay. he's like, I'm born that way. Like, nah,

it's a choice. Or something like that maybe is an angle. I know there's something here with the lefty but i can't crack it you can hit your wife with the with the right hand that was totally fine i don't know yeah yeah maybe maybe it's, maybe an element is missing in this bit. We need another thing to pump into it. Yeah, right now, something's missing. What did I just say? Missing.

Day drunk. Day drunk. Sorry. Huh. Can you do it from the top again? Well, it's not even a thing yet. I'm just throwing it out. Maybe we come up with something.

Yeah, just hitting her lefty there needs more there it's just weird that times change and like being left-handed is uh like that was bad that was considered bad like man holy shit like being uh it's almost like they were like making up ways you could be evil yeah right like that's how diverse we talk about divided now left and right literally divided by left and right you know and people with left hand were just fucked left and right this is good that's that's a better angle yeah okay they're still fucked now there's so many uh workplace deaths because in construction specifically because of left-handed equipment equipment rather right-handed equipment used by left-handed right right they're still maybe because they could be seen as like bad

luck because they could endanger the well they're technically minorities there's less of them also but it's just interesting because we talk about like gay marriage and you know racial rights and all that but like what about the fact that left-handed people are just considered normal now is that right obama's lefty who else is lefty really okay see lefty that's interesting we talk about a first black president what about the first lefty president went from evil to to president black and lefty yeah america's come a long way yeah obama's got that little lefty jump shot oh yeah good looking shot talk about form you got these in form i hear he's a dirty player i heard he fucking throws elbows and shit really yeah i love it he's just shoot someone in the head that's dirty that's a foul i don't know dude i don't have an angle i'll try another one i'll

figure that one out another one it's something oh okay i got others too we'll fucking all right what about this some bullshit um i figured out that immigrant joke but that's already working so i'm not gonna try that i'm trying stuff that's not ready yet uh tried the gun bit oh wait i had one here hold on here you go you ready for this this is it okay so you know how uh i can't say no if you ask me to do any podcast, I'll do it. If you ask me to do any show, I'll do it. If I was a woman. I wish you were.

Yeah, I was going to say. If I was a woman, I would be just fucking every fucking loser, dweeb, dork in the business because I just can't say no. Yeah. Thank God I'm not a woman. Yeah. I'd fuck everybody. Yeah.

Thank God you're a man and women are like now yeah yeah they're saying no to me just to get some shit done right right so it would it would suck being a woman not because women have it that worse but just because i would just be like all right i'm in let's go if a guy hit on me like i bought if a guy bought me a drink i'd be blowing him like uh you do there's something very grateful about you yeah yeah mark would fuck a lot of people oh yeah i don't know what the bit is but i mean i get a lot of drinks mark i don't know yeah that's true if i was gay i'd be all over you're gonna suck it or not dude come on let's fucking let's do this see again these there's no turn on yeah i don't see the angle yet.

I got no angle. The angle would just be that I'd fuck every dude. I'll play with these. This is a good part of the show. I'm like, Mark, do you have any bits? Mark's like, I would fuck so many men. I'm like, oh, all right, well, that's cool. I got no angle.

That's the hard part about comedy. You're like, oh, that's something. Yeah, I do. I can get on top. Mark's like, what do you have? I'm like, I would. I can get on top. Mark's like, what do you have? I'm like, I would suck so many dicks. And he's like, what's the joke? I'm like, I don't know.

I would just suck a lot of dicks if I was gay. Does it tell everything about how dating apps are like Zillow? Is that an Attell joke? I don't think so. All right, that could be something. I was looking for houses on Zillow, and I realized it's a lot like dating apps. The only difference is you can go inside the first day. He might actually.

I think he has a joke where he says he's a washer, dryer, and unit. I'd dump a hot load inside of that. Yeah, okay. He does it a bit. All right. I thought so. I just realized it. Dude, I had something about... Fuck.

More... Oh, I do my dead baby jokes here. I have something about uh about like walmart you know like uh like how it's always the most pro-life people who are leaving their babies in the hot cars and they're like you know they're like uh it's like look i love walmart too but you gotta fucking remember your baby i think the angle is like you know thank like walmart's bad like super walmart those babies don't even have a chance like there's too much to do in there you know like i think the angle is like you go, there's too much to do in there, you know? I think the angle is, like, you go, like, there's too many options. You're, like, sporting goods, you know, groceries, clothing.

I think by the time you go to the clothing and you hit the baby section, you're like, shit. Oh, that's good. I fucked up. What did I come in here for? Baby food? Oh, shit. Fuck.

I'm going to pay and then walk back briskly to that uh car my line the line that didn't hit well i think it's kind of funny but it didn't hit was uh you know if you're like a walmart greeter like just set that guy outside to scour the parking lot you just make sure there's no babies in the cars. That's good. It's more of a good idea than a joke. That is a great idea. You guys like keen observations instead of humor? It's like the shopping cart retriever, but for babies. Yeah, dude. With that button. There is something you can do.

It's like this observational. It's not funny. Sure. There is something you actually do to prevent this, which is you take your shoes off when you get in the car and you put them in the back seat by your baby. So when you get out of the car, you're shoeless and you're like, oh, I'm shoeless. I know it's fucking crazy, but people do this.

Maybe you shouldn't be a parent if it's coming to that. Yeah, yeah. Maybe that's a sign you should not have children. If you have to take your shoes off to remember you have a child. All right. Maybe no. And then the worst part is you can go in Walmart

and buy new shoes that's something like i do like when i plan to black out at the end of the night like i'll like put my keys in a weird place or something like that so i don't forget right like it's not like it's not like what i'm preparing to have a baby party where you all put your baby in a jar or a fucking fishbowl just so you don't forget it. It's like the movie 12 Monkeys. You just see someone shoeless in a Walmart. You're like, no. Hey, right.

To get shot a bunch of times. All right. But I like the once you get to the baby section. All right. There's something there. I'm going to do it. That's good. I'm going to do it again tonight.

There's something there. I got nothing. House hunting is a tell joke. I'm bad at comedy. The left hand is not there. I'm going to do it again tonight. There's something there. I got nothing. House hunting is a tell joke. I'm bad at comedy. The left hand is not there. I'm a dude. I got to work on this shit. Did the shooting thing.

All right. Got the weather joke working. Weather. All right. Weather the storm. What about immigrant? I think I did that already. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do we got? I got a new thing about how immigrants, what a great, I'm jealous of immigrants because they get to live in America without the guilt. Yeah. You know, we're like slavery, civil rights, oppressing women, homophobia. And they're like, oh, I just got here. So they get the fun parts with none of the shitty part.

It's like being a firefighter on september 12th you know you're like this is great they just show it's almost like yeah you just show up at a party and uh i was sure we had a phone call heal me uh-oh is that charlie sheen charlie yeah i didn't say anything about hiv that was mark oh i said aids okay sorry about that dude um yeah there's something there for sure all right yeah that one's that one's working but when i say 9 11 or 9 12 people were like whoa i think you're fine there all right that's just people dude people hear words and they check out they're not your fans those people you know what i had a thing i thought could be funny is i was passing a running store and it just said a a sign outside that said hate has no home here and then there

was another place that said no hate and then and then i walked to another running store it was like all in the same block and it had no sign i'm like all these fucking signs now if you don't have a sign you look like a dick right like they don't have a sign i'm just like as you want to walk and be like hey guys uh does hate have a home here? Can I shop here if I'm hateful? I'm full of hate. Yeah. What if you hate running?

Also, who's running that much and full of hate? Who's burning that many calories and being like, fucking juice. You got to run away from them. Yeah, you got to run. There's Jews in this neighborhood.

I stink. Are we going to get shadow banned for me saying that, Matt? Did I just ruin this episode? you gotta run away from them yeah you gotta run there's jews i got nothing i stink are we gonna get shadow banned for me saying that matt did i just did i just ruin this episode we were on a roll and then i said fucking jews and they're just like youtube just buried us dude what happened with your shadow banning was that a real thing i got fucking shadow ban dude yeah oh it's real i'll do i'll do ig like uh story things where i just ask questions and i like they get a lot of views when you do that over regular ones so i just do it to plug gigs and i did it like like i'll be like i'll be therapist sam like tell me what's wrong and i'll tell you why it's okay and some guy the one that got me banned was it says this one's been removed for like hate speech or something

some guy said uh someone hit me with a go a friend of mine hit me with a go-kart and i wrote back uh run them over with a real car and they were like you're inciting violence and i was like anyone no one watching that thinks i'm encouraging violence exactly yeah damn yeah i put i called a guy fatty and they they got me that is hateful yeah i'm offended by that that hurts my feelings as someone who hasn't uh exercised in a while turban dearman no it's ridiculous it's a robot deciding what we can and can't say i think it bodes really well for the future of comedy yes nothing like robots to have a sense of humor yeah we're gonna be on trial it's gonna be a robot lawyer like what you said was bad i'm like all right see it's been a good run guys i don't get it well speaking of sense of humor where are you gonna be i'm fucking san jose los angeles uh i'll be in pittsburgh i'll be in

dania beach i'll be in louisville irvine omaha phoenix lexington new brunswick oklahoma city springfield missouri a lovely place if ever there was one, home of Kathleen Turner. Thanksgiving, I'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Oh, I mean, I'm looking forward to it. Tacoma, Spokane, all over the place, samorell.com slash shows. Hey, all right, all right. You got to keep scrolling. Just hit more dates, more dates. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling.

Keep those prices scrolling. Baby in a car. All right, keep going. July, we're in July. All right, I got all those memorized, though. Okay. Lexington, Comedy Opera, Houston Improv, San Antonio, Comedy Connection, West Palm Beach, Florida, Portland, Maine, at the Aura. the aura oh portland may never been there richmond

funny bone lobster roll you ever eaten oh really bakersfield one night only at whatever the hell that is some brewing company royal oak michigan at a theater we got revolution hall in portland oregon to your hometown minneapolis at the pantages making Oregon Your hometown Minneapolis at the Pantages Making that up Philly at the Fillmore And Nashville at Zany's All kinds of good stuff Good cities, good dates

MarkNormanComedy.com Get on the Patreon Get yourself a glass Patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunkPod WeMightBeDrunkPod.com For all the merch You get the glasses Bodega Cat cats coming any day

now dude it's got to be like what we a week two weeks out it's coming dude i can taste it it's right there it's so close and we'll have better bits on the road oh my god it's good yeah we're better we're fucking we're drunk i'm sorry yeah we might be things are hard. Yes. Monkey pox. What? What? Biden's fell on a bike. Snaggle puss. What? All right. We'll see you all in hell.

Be the best. Sunday's the day for my next bender. I've been a fever wreck. You know the future's close. I've had a little too much bourbon. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking punk And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like the cops are coming

And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way. We might be true.