We Might Be Drunk - Ep 86: Mint Julep

Episode Date: August 1, 2022

No guest this week, double dose of Mark and Sam. http://marknormandcomedy.com/ https://www.sammorril.com/shows https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Visit www.betterhelp.com/Drunk for 10% off your first month. Support the show and get $20 off your first purchase with the code DRUNK at https://Fanimal.com Support the show and get up to 34% off some sweet new metal art with the code DRUNK at https://displate.com/wmbd?art=6247414ceddb3  

hey folks here we are we might be drunk i'm hungover sam's gay we're really doing it we're we're trading merch yeah i'm rocking comedy oh yeah you're rocking naples florida that's a fun one in florida they they sell very well really in florida because people in florida get it fuck naples fuck naples you heard it here first how uh how you doing man you're holding up all right i'm okay i'm hung over it was the lady's birthday we went out we did it up we had a grand old time i had that you know that moment when you're out drinking and you're like all right if i keep going i'm gonna be hammered and hate myself tomorrow and i said all right i better stop she goes come on get drunk

with me and i was like oh that's nice and we got hammered wow yeah that's a fun lady right there i do like that moment where you're like if i keep you know it's gonna go downhill and you embrace it yes exactly so it was like all right give me another manhattan and they just kept coming the manhattans have the sugar in it and they go down so easy so then you have five more spent way too much manhattan drunk yes where do you where do you have dinner we uh we did the uh where did we go oh geez this isn't good it's all a blur i know i know booze messes with your memory but this is well we started the soho house because she got a membership oh wow so we we so overrated the soho house so she got a membership. Oh, wow. So overrated, the Soho house. Soho overrated.

It was brutal. I mean, everybody there is attractive, so you end up just looking around all night. How do you get work done? You're like, I'm going to get my work done here. A perfect 10 walks in. Yes. Spend $10 on a latte. Exactly.

That's the biggest misconception, biggest lie in the workforce is like, I'm going to go to the Soho house and get some shit done and bring my laptop. Bullshit! You're ogling all the skanks. You're jerking off in the bathroom. You come back. You're like, alright, now I can work. And then you're like, I'm hard again? Right, right. That pool is overrated, too. Well, it's jam-packed. You go up there. We sat by the pool for eight minutes.

It looked like Ellis Island. You couldn't get a seat. It was so full. Yeah, really, i remember i did a meeting there once and it's like i've done it i've had people be like we'll do a meeting at the soho house oh yeah and now i know this meeting's not important right they're showing off with the soho house yeah i think it got blown up because of that sex in the city episode where they're like it's got a pool in the summer that's how desperate new yorkers are for a pool in the summer exactly and it's a nightmare we did hit the pool but it's like you're just

sitting there you swam i got in you can't really swim you bump elbows with a gay guy so it's not even uh it's not even worth it it's like the worst orgy ever yeah and it looks like a mick ultra commercial you know we're all out there like whoo here are. But you can't move, and you're way less hot than everyone else. You look good shirtless. Well, you should see these guys. I mean, these guys all look like Chris Evans or whatever. Jeez, I look like Tom Selleck in the 80s if he stopped lifting. Yeah, there you go.

Well, I saw some private dicks. Did you? No, no. Magnum P.I. joke that I had to pull out of my ass. But, uh, yeah, it was fun. And where do we go to dinner? Jeez, I'm racking my brain here. This is not good.

That's rough. Oh, yeah. What kind of food did you eat? Do you remember? Uh, it was in the village. Mm-hmm. Uh, Lartusi? Is that something?

I didn't catch the name. you did you make a reservation or did she pick the spot she did it she did all that damn she did everything she's good yeah no it's not it's nice to have someone who schedules because sometimes i've been in relationships where they're like you didn't schedule oh yeah you didn't make the reservation i'm like oh fucking yeah they like to take charge they like when you do it i'm like but i like when you do it too like how come you you you get turned on but i get turned on when you do all of it so i used to have a bit about that but you know i i have a dick so i gotta i gotta yelp what's i don't get the uh the the the movie sounds like it sounds like a it sounds like a book for like uh angry men

just because i got a dick, I got to yell. They're like, yeah. Right. But she's also like in tune with society where I don't know anything. She's like, everybody's talking about this place. I'm like, oh, okay. Well, let's go there then. The only time I ever find a place that people are talking about is if I just like Google good restaurants in the neighborhood and I fall ass backwards into it.

That's what I do. Oh, there you go. Yeah, there it is. That's the one. It's in the village. It was a night air. You get some pasta. Damn, that looks like good pasta. It's a hell of an Italian joint. A thick noodle? Love a thick noodle. Love it. I got an angel hair

down here. I'm struggling. I got a penne. He's got a bow tie. But yeah, fun night. Capped it off on the roof. You know, beautiful view. The whole city behind us. Couple more drinks.

Couple friends of hers showed up. And, you know, you get to bed at four. And, you know, it's a bad hangover when you drink all the way into bed. You know, you look to the side of the nightstand and there's a fucking half a cocktail. And you're like, oh, I didn't get any water in me. I got no IV, nothing. I had a one-nighter with a girl once. She brings the bottle of wine into my bed, dumps it everywhere.

All over there. By the way, she didn't even feel bad about it. She goes, I made a mistake. I was like, me too. So did your mom. I'm keeping you. But then you wake up to the bottle right on the nightstand, and you're like, oh, that's a bad, that's an ugly night.

Bad night. Bad night. Every time there's a bottle on your nightstand, you're like, who am I, Bukowski? What the hell is going on here? I had a, oh, here we go. What's with the different glasses? Ooh. So for some reason, we have one is AWOL,

so we're going to go with one Julep glass and one regular glass. All right. Damn. You guys can trade if you feel it's unfair. I mean, Mark,

what do you think? Is there more in one? They're the same size, the same booze. All right, fuck it. Cheers. All right, here we go. Mint Julep, hey.

Yeah, it's a little, like, variety on it. I like to use a little soda water as well just to make it a little bubbly. I like that. Especially on a hot summer day like this. Now you can imagine you're at the Kentucky Derby or on the porch down south. On the porch.

It has to be a porch, right? On the terrace. This is a porch drink. It is, right? Oh, yeah. In the armchair swinging. Yes. Or a rocking chair, rather.

Yes. With a little... Toothpick? Hayseed. In the armchair, like swinging. Yes. Or a rocking chair, rather. Yes. You know, with a little, what is it? Toothpick? Hayseed. Hayseed in your mouth, you know? That's where that term comes from. Somebody called me a hayseed my first week in New York, and it stung. What is that?

Because a hayseed is like a hick, a redneck, a bumpkin. And I was walking around doing the whole, like, and I had this subway map. And I was like, and somebody goes, move it had this subway map and I was like and somebody goes move it hey see I was like Jesus Christ I'm in New York baby I was actually Sam yeah exactly I didn't know him you fucking hick you know what dude I uh that was one of my openers I did the Keene race track and everyone dresses really well there so one of my I remember my opener when I whenever I played Kentucky was a man I was the only person here that didn't look like a villain in Django Unchained. Great movie. Great movie.

Christoph Waltz. That guy kills it. Kills it. He had a hell of a run. I haven't seen him in six years. It was like two movies. I mean, I think he's huge there. I think he's huge in his country.

I think he's in a Bond movie. Oh, is he? I could be wrong. Give that a go. Great in Django. It was cool to see him be a good guy because he was so fucking evil and inglorious bastards wasn't that his first like breakout role in glorious bastards oh he's in two bond movies oh wow there you go what's that wasn't that wasn't glorious bastards his like breakout role for america yeah it was already big i think apparently the story is horrible bosses all

right oh wow oh he's in both of them okay i'm gonna fuck oh he's in french dispatch he's in He's already big, I think. Apparently, the story is... Horrible bosses, all right. Oh, wow. He's in both of them. Okay, I'm going to fuck... Oh, he's in French Dispatch? He's in a ton of shit. Oh, yeah, he's cooking. Wow, I'm dumb as shit. I am, too. I was like, hey, I haven't seen him in six years, and he's in ten movies.

Damn. But, yeah, apparently Tarantino was like, I can't figure out who's going to play this Nazi. I can't figure it out, blah, blah, blah. And then he just happened to come across this guy's tape, and he was like, that's the guy. That's it. And he spoke German, Italian, blah. And then he just happened to come across this guy's tape. And he was like, that's the guy. That's it. And he spoke German, Italian, and English. I mean, it was a lock. Damn.

Aren't you always blown away by people who can speak multiple languages? It's other countries. They're better than us. Not all of them. There's some rough ones out there. The old clit cutters. But, you know, most of them, they know way way more i did a trip uh i did a gig with a bunch of british comics and they were making fun of me the whole time yeah they were like

american you know because they'd be like where is uh zaire you know and they're like jesus christ i don't know where zaire is i'm like i don't know do you guys have a zaire test who the fuck knows where zaire is well it's in the middle of africa but the geography is what really grossed him out about me yeah man this is interesting this drink not bad right it's not my it's not what i would never order one but it's fun to try drinks that i'm not it's not like what what alcohol is in it there's bourbon it's bourbon yeah and a mint julep i didn't even know that bourbon is always in my mint julep is always with bourbon is that always a mint julep always yeah it has to know that. Bourbon is always in a mint. My mint julep is always with bourbon. Is that always a mint julep? Always, yeah. It has to be bourbon.

They're traditionally sweeter. Traditionally a little sweeter. I just know that you guys aren't really sweet fans. I don't like sweet drinks. I took it low on the... But as you get lower, it will get sweeter. Because for mint juleps, you don't use a simple syrup or anything. You actually crush the mint into the sugar.

So then as it... Oh, there's sugar in this? Yeah. I don't even taste it. It's into the sugar. So then as like... Oh, there's sugar in this? Yeah. I didn't even taste it. It's like raw sugar. So as you go down lower, it'll get a little sweeter as well. Yeah, raw dog.

Is this created in New Orleans? Or am I gay? I want to say Kentucky. Oh, all right. I know we got the Sazerac from New Orleans. The Sazerac is definitely New Orleans, yeah. What's New York? Is it Manhattan from here?

Yeah, Manhattan. Got it. What else? There's a few different ones. There's a New York Sour, technically. What's the New York Sour? Very long lost. It's basically a whiskey sour with a red wine floater.

Oh, huge. Really weird, really intense, because most of the time it'll be like a Malbec or something like a really dark, likey sweet sweet but then like you have the like the sour and whiskey taste as well. Yeah. It looks really cool.

It's pretty delicious but it's an acquired taste. That's what I call you after a bomb. I guess. He's a New York sour.

You have one of those bombs the other night where I was like I need a shower. Oh. You have one of those you're like

oh you can't shake it. You're in the shower going why the fuck did I even think that'd be funny. What were you thinking. Yeah. I need a shower. You ever have one of those where you're like, ugh. You can't shake it. You're in the shower going, why the fuck did I even think that'd be funny? What were you thinking? Yeah, I had a couple. It sucks when you commit to a fucked up premise and then it doesn't hit. I'm like, I'll say something horrible and then they don't laugh and you're like, well, now you just think I'm a bad person. Exactly.

And you can't dig out. You'll be like, well, what about Uber, huh? And they're like, nah, we heard you joke about mass shootings. Nice try segueing the Holocaust to taxi cabs. Yeah, no, I had one about abortion, and I went kind of hard with it, and they were like, no. Really? The joke has worked.

I've gotten the joke to work, but it's like with new shit, when you're working out new stuff, it's like placement's everything, man. Yeah. If you place a joke where you're kind of a dick or saying something a little fucked up in the first like two minutes nope it's cockiness you have a hot set and you're like i could because you're experimenting with it yes with a new order like where can i put this where does it flow and then you get a little cocky you go i'm open i'm opening with it yeah i mean it's like a meal you you bring out the cheesecake out of the gate you're

like this is a lot it's like it's like going on. You can bring out the cheesecake out of the gate. You're like, this is a lot. It's like going on a first date and just sitting down and going, sex? Exactly. Sex? Exactly, which I've tried. And it does not work. She was a prostitute, and she was still like, nah, I don't want to. She didn't take Venmo. I don't know.

You hear these stories about, you know what I really hate is when you hear these stories about people, they will be like, oh, can I borrow? First off, who's giving anyone their phone people like can i just borrow your phone real quick then you hear stories about people like just then wearing themselves like four thousand dollars what i didn't know about maybe maybe it's like two thousand maybe you can't go over two thousand but it's something they just venmo this and they're like oh thank you like a homeless guy no just someone who's robbing you oh like a low-key robbery but they don't do it like they're like oh thanks i just

had to make a call but they venmo themselves oh that's clever it's clever but you? Oh, wow. It's like a low-key robbery. But they don't do it like, oh, thanks. I just had to make a call. But they Venmo themselves. Oh, that's clever. It's clever. I mean, it's bad. But I mean, I guess they're kind of like, what's it going to take me to small claims court over 2K? You know, I don't know. Yeah.

Can you cancel a Venmo? No. Whoa. They got to work on that. Because we've all sent, there's so many Venmo names. Well, the problem is you sell merch, right? Yeah. If someone does $20 and they just cancel it, though, right? What if they do that? Oh, yeah. That's the problem is you sell merch right yeah that's 20 and they just cancel it

though right what if they do that that's the problem good point yeah there's got to be a way around that i mean i'm sure that's happened a million times how many times you got two r's in your last name what if they put one r and there's another guy with that i've sent the wrong person money before it sucks when it's a lot of money because you're just like hopefully they don't cash it hopefully they're a good person. Yeah. And does it wear off? If they never cash it for a year, it should kind of fizzle out, I think. I don't know. I don't know.

We've got to get the Venmo rules. Are strippers taking Venmo? I don't know. Because cash is king at a strip club, but it's also good because you make it rain. They put it in the G-string. It's not as dramatic to just be like, meh. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

That's what I'm saying. There's actually a new field of plastic surgery where they just make it into a card swipe and you can do this right between the legs. Yeah, that's fun. I like that. We'll call it the Gash App. All right. All right.

With the hangover. Come on. Damn. I've been sitting on that one for three minutes. Oh, that's what she said. Oh, God. Terrible. Terrible joke.

Well, that's what she said. When it's placed well, it can still work. Terrible joke. But you can't resist sometimes. Oh, yeah. I do get annoyed when people quote shows too much. Can I give you, I got a good rec though for a show. Oh, shit.

Coming out of the gate with a rec. I got a good rec. Please. And Matt knows what it is because we were talking about it before the, Peters and I were talking about this right before the show. It's too much. Can I give you, I got a good rec though for a show. Oh shit, coming out of the gate with a rec. I got a good rec. Please. And Matt knows what it is because we were talking about it before the, Peters and I were talking about this right before

the show. The Peacemaker on HBO. Have you seen it? Never heard of it. Dude, it's James Gunn who did Guardians. Oh yeah,

play the, if you're not hooked by the intro, the intro is, I would say the best intro to a show maybe ever. Is this a Grisham? No,

it's James Gunn made it. Oh, okay. It's John Cena is the star of it. It's a superhero show. You got a guilty pleasure for muscular white guys who saved the day. What was the other one? Shooter or Trooper? Oh, fuck.

What's that one called? Reacher. Reacher. Reacher round. Yeah, we watched that in denver with all the guys and we were just like i am like hey we're all high and drunk and i'm like sam wrecked this show he's got good taste let's try it and three minutes in we're all like what the fuck is this shit i thought they were gonna delete your number this is a better show all right all right Alright, alright Yeah This is such a great intro here

Come on So dumb Oh, wow What the fuck? This is so weird Is this like a Running Man kind of thing? It's DC, it's a comic book Oh, wow.

But it's James Gunn who did Guardians of the Galaxy, who they tried to cancel, by the way. That's right. I remember that. I mean, this is insane that they're just, they just all did this after they shot the show, I guess. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Oh, that was Steve Agee. He's great in it. Oh, really? He's fucking great. What the fuck am I watching? He's making his debut in the second Suicide Squad, right? Yeah. I didn't see it. This show's great in it. Oh, really? He's fucking great. What the fuck am I watching? He's making his debut in the second Suicide Squad, right? Yes. I didn't see it.

This show's great. Is it about laser tag? No, he's basically like a... He just got out of prison. Robert Patrick's a dad who's racist as shit. Wait, is that... That's not T2. Yeah.

That's T-1000? Yeah. Whoa. And Soprano did. Oh, that T2. Yeah. That's T-1000? Yeah. Whoa. And Soprano did. Oh, that's right. And the later season of X-Files, which we don't talk about. Well, why are we dancing? It's just fucking weird.

I have no idea. If I was high, I'd be slitting my wrist right now out of confusion. No, it's... It's fucking weird as shit. What is going on? I'm telling you, Matt, am I wrong? It's good as shit. All going on am i wrong it's good as shit all right all right it's it's like i got nothing out of that he's in prison yeah he's he got he gets out of prison he's a murderer okay and they need him to stop these certain types of villains and that's all i can

really give away but it's i give it a i give it a sweet solid rack i mean james gunn is good dude no he's great he's he's one of the best but it's just funny because i back in my day when i was banging the intro to a show gave you a little information about what the fuck's going on no information i got an eagle i got lasers just weird as shit yeah yeah buck rogers is doing is twerking i don't know what's going on but you remember uh everywhere you look and you show the family you see the house. It's a little more helpful. Full house. Yes. There's a heart.

There's a heart. You need to hold on to it. Man, that show. You rewatched Full House. It's pretty terrible. Oh, it's so bad. I thought that was a good show when I was a kid. So did I. It's not a good show. And I remember my dad being like, oh.

And I was like, fucking geezer. He doesn't get it. But now I totally agree with him. Oh, yeah. I remember my mom watched one with me. And she was like, this is not, never make me do this again. She was like mad at me for it. Yeah.

I don't know. And she's an artist. I know. She's like, this is art? Get the fuck out of here. At least you got to look at Stamos. Stamos was hot. And so was that Lori Loughlin.

I know she's a criminal and whatever. She's fine. She tried to help her daughter get into school. Yeah. Is she still in there? When you're worth that kind of money, what does college even matter? Yeah, good point. I mean, even if you're not worth money, college is overrated.

Yeah, agreed. Her husband's like that. Who's that famous Massimo? Like the clothing is that his name massimo that's a fun name to say while you fuck eat me massimo eat me yeah that is she is a hot older woman she's a hot milf and she was on an episode of seinfeld and she looked amazing because on Full House, they kind of made her, I don't want to say homely, but she was like wholesome and nice and cute. But then when she hops it up, she can be a real number. Yeah, dude. It's the aggressive eyebrows.

Yeah, I like that. I'm an eyebrow fan. Thank you. Yeah. Look at that. That's her on Seinfeld. I can't ever breed with a woman with eyebrows like that, though. My kid's going to look like Mr. Potato Head. I've thought about that. That's her on Seinfeld. I can't ever breed with a woman with eyebrows like that. My kid's going to look like Mr. Potato Head.

I've thought about that. I've gone out on dates with women and they're really hot, but their eyebrows are too aggressive. I'm like, we can't combine forces here. This would be cruel to do to a child. Yeah. What's that real housewife? She's Italian, crazy eyebrow. Housewife of New Jersey.

But if you bred with a woman, you would create her. Oh, my God. Oh, what's her name? Crazy eyebrows. It'd be one of those kids with a beard up here. He'd be like, oh, dude, he's got to shave his eyelids? This sucks. That's her.

Look at those brows. That's a lot. Oh, yeah. That's a lot. Look up. Caterpillars up there. Woo, that's an Italian lady, huh? That is like if Cher went to the tanning salon every day.

That's a lot. Yeah, I think she's in jail now. Is she? Well, they all marry these mobsters, and they get in the cahoots with them, and then you start helping them with a little bank fraud, and here we are. What a comedown that must be. You're on TV, and you're rich, and then all of a sudden you're just in jail. Yeah, I know, right?

There she is with the fatigues on, or whatever you call it. Oh, shit. Wow, good time. You ever watch those shows? No, my lady watches this, and I can feel myself getting dumber watching these trashed TVs. Yeah, now they're doing the Real Housewives of Salt Lake. What's next, Boise, Idaho? Who gives a shit? I know, right? Well, it seems like what's next is the Real Housewives of Salt Lake. What's next? Boise, Idaho? Who gives a shit?

I know, right? Well, it seems like what's next is the Real Housewives of Rikers. Now that's a show. Which I would watch. That's a show. I want the Real Housewives of Afghanistan. I would watch that. It's like, man, these ladies don't get away with anything.

Yeah, they're not allowed to talk. How do you tell them apart, though? Oh, the burka. The drama, yeah. You just got to really focus on the eyes yes we'll give them name tags that could be helpful burka should have name tags or else how the fuck do you know imagine those burkas in the heat brutal i had a thought about this speaking of religion yeah my cat is uh is on one he's just going nuts and he's he's clawing at everything

orthodox jews with the tassels yeah that would be hell if you had a cat it all day just yeah lint roller all day right all well no i'm just saying they would attack those those hanging you know the side ones yes what are those the payas oh the uh what do you call it the nothing it's not called tassels what What are they called? God, I should really know this. Funny word for a Jew. Pais. All right. Excuse me. But wait, what are those called? What are they called?

The tzitzits? No, no. You know what I'm talking about. The kids have them a lot. Yeah, I don't know the name. None of these. This is not it. I think that's it.

They put them on their belt. Oh, I'm thinking of a different thing. I'm thinking of the thing that goes around the neck. None of these. This is not it. I think that's it. They put them on their belt. Oh, I'm thinking of a different thing. I'm thinking of the thing that goes around the neck. Oh, no, that too. But it's like side to side on each side. It hangs on the hip. You ever have those kids stop you in the street and ask if you're Jewish? All the time.

You must get it a lot. All the time, yeah. I find it flattering. Really? Yeah, I like it. All right. But then I go, no, no. And they go, ooh. And I'm like, all right, shit.

I say the same thing, but just I don't wanna talk to them. There they are, those things. Oh, that's gotta be a lot. With a cat hitting that all day? Yeah. Well, what do you call those, Matt? Give us a, oh, it is a tzitzi. My favorite sauce.

Yeah. Yeah, man. It's like it's always sign up for something. I was like, I just want to. New York, you never want to be stopped by anyone. Nah, good point. You just don't. You're walking.

Even if you're not in a rush, you're trying to get somewhere. Yeah, totally. Or you're walking aimlessly and your headphones are on. You don't want to just talk about Judaism. I know. And I said once, yes, just to see what happened. And they took me to the side and did a whole thing with an ashy whatever, like a candle. And I was like, ah, I got to go, I got to go. It's like 20 minutes in.

I was like, this is too much. It's good you left. They would have circumcised you next. That's what they do. That's what that truck is for. That I could use. Are you not circumcised? No, I am.

I am. Just kidding. I think of anything, the circumcision is good to give you a nice little angle. What do you mean? Your dick looks better from certain angles when you're circumcised. Oh, no doubt about it. I mean, the straight-up helmet is just not as flattering, I think. But when you have the angle, you're like, oh, this dick is bigger than it is.

I completely agree. It doesn't stay on when you're hard. Really? Yeah, it should, like, slits should like who are you darth vader i guess i wouldn't know this yeah that was a great joke in space balls uh rick moranis is uh lord helmet and he goes uh she gives great helmet damn rick moranis was the best oh so funny when did people just retire like that his His wife got cancer. Oh, no. So he was like, I'm giving up the business just to help her or something like that.

Kid got cancer, something bad happened. Damn. And then the sweet guy is got knocked out on the sidewalk in Manhattan. I'm glad I resisted a honey, I shrunk my joke for the cancer. That would have been pretty tasteless. Shrunk my career? I was going tumor. Oh, even better. I'm glad I avoided that and didn't mention it right after it it's not a tumor

what movie i was talking oh fuck what movie is that i know it's arnold kindergarten cop good movie oh yeah what do you think i was talking to my buddy david angela the other day uh about like how their movie stars back in the day, like Burt Reynolds, who they could just kind of go anywhere, and people were like, that's our guy. Like literally blue collar, white collar, wherever you go. Is there a dude like that? I don't think there's a guy like that anymore. Wait a minute.

Like he's one of us. Ah, like he's still a celebrity. Maybe Stallone. Yeah, maybe Stallone. Maybe Stallone. He's kind of like. You mean where the blue collar is is accepting you know i feel like everyone likes you right right like people in the you

know across the country can be a little annoyed by hollywood anyway i mean hollywood can be oh the worst sufferable but that's why comedians are great because i feel like we're still in the real world yeah you know we have to be we keep it honest we make fun of hollywood but we also but we also want their acceptance i know it's a horrible way to live it's like a hot chick at a bar we're like yeah you look like shit but please fuck me yes exactly exactly yeah i'm trying to think it's a good question because yeah burt reynolds he was kind of a man of the people nicholson ah he's he's like royalty now the departed so i was just it's on netflix i was just re-watching it the other day it's so fun dude oh it's too so silly the dance you get all juiced up the line the lines that

like how does nicholson say him with a straight face where they're just in the car after uh mad damon graduates from the police academy and he's like school's out what the fuck are you talking about yeah the rumor is that they let nicholson's like i'll do the movie but i get free reign i can do whatever i want you can't tell me no and he's like you got it thank you and then i think he went a little hard yeah that's why that coke scene is just you're like what is this this should not be in the movie nicholson's like i just want to do coke i just also like i love that nichol shows up. You're going to play basically Whitey Bulger. You can do a Boston accent.

He's like, no, I'm going to talk how I talk in every movie ever. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to change nothing. He does it every 20 minutes. He'll say something like, if I say put the guy in the mosh, you put the guy in the mosh. And you're like, that's all you got. Also, that rat scene was way over the top.

Ridiculous. All right, Jack. Jesus Christ. That was way over the top. Ridiculous. All right, Jack. Jesus Christ. That's clearly not the script. You cheese-eating rat. You know Scorsese in the corner like, Jesus Christ. We're just in the car.

No more pencils. No more books. Just drive me off. Right, right. You got to pull up this photo, Peters, and I'll leave you alone, but it's a photo shoot of Nicholson in, I think, the early 80s. And he won't shut up.

He won't cooperate. And they zoom in on the photo, and he's got cocaine all in his nose. Whoa. In his nostrils, yeah. Fun, fun fact. Man, isn't it weird it can make the coolest person kind of insufferable? Yeah, that's true. Coke is like a cool drug, but you don't want to be around

anyone on coke and unless you're doing it i guess i mean you could say the same for alcohol i suppose but i guess but you can have a couple of business ideas yeah a bunch they always go we should start a bar we should we should write a movie we're coked up we need to make an app that makes apps dude let's do it right now yeah exactly yeah i'm sure a lot of startups were coke fueled a lot of uh there's a lot of stories like nicholson when he's filming chinatown with polanski like he polanski would take forever with these shots sometimes he'd be so annoyed that he would just go to his trailer and watch the lakers game and apparently there was a double overtime game and he would not report to set oh because he's such a big lakers fan. And Polanski finally grabs a TV and just smashes it. Oh, damn.

Yeah, he did. Is he working? Nicholson? No, no, Polanski. Is he working? I don't know. Sorry, man. This is a goose chase I got you on here.

Isn't he hiding out in Europe somewhere? He can't. He is. He's like. But I don't think they give a fuck as much. Europe's like 15, 20 years behind in Me Too shit. He's good until he dies. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, he got an honor. The Academy Awards honored him like 20 years ago in Me Too shit. He's good until he dies. Yeah. I mean, he got an honor. The Academy Awards honored him like 20 years ago. That was shocking. Even then that was shocking. I was like, wow, they gave it to that guy? Yeah. And I think he got some booze, by the way.

Wow, he's working. He's got a post-production with the Palace in 2023. He's coming out, the officer in a spa. I mean, he's working. I mean, you watch Chinatown. I know he's done some horrible shit, but you watchatown you're like this is an incredible movie incredible best picture what mickey rourke mickey rourke is in it matt's laughing his ass off wow john cleese and fanny ardent john cleese dude legend yeah that's shocking okay man jeffrey epstein's ghost that's crazy how do you get him produced by

weinstein that would be hilarious if it was a miramax i just saw a crazy movie with make your work just last night called spun and it's with that guy from yeah i never heard about it no not at all uh it's like from like 2008 or something like that. It's about an average meth head falling in with some crazy meth heads. Oh, fun. The cast is stacked, and I've never heard about it. Look it up.

Pull it up. It's pretty awesome. Oh, I've seen this. This movie is dark as shit. It's very dark, but it's good. Brittany Murphy is the love interest. I heard she went meth-ish. What happened to Brittany Murphy?

She's gorgeous. What do you think happened? She died, dude. That was a joke I just made. A lot of tasteful jokes tonight. You might be drunk. Here's a question for the fellas. Eric Roberts, too. Look at that. Would you rather date a girl who dabbles

in crystal meth or is super into crystals? I don't know which one is worse i feel like they won't talk about the meth uh well they'll be talking but they won't be yeah but damn it's close what's the dab it's tough what's the dabble you know uh once a month she'll go on like a real meth binge but yeah wow jesus christ that was oh that's filthy that's prison mad advice yeah that's the producer folks write him a letter got them we don't agree with what he just said no i think uh yeah i mean crystals but only by an eyelash yeah yeah is she using like the crystal deodorants like the have you seen those

my brother was on that the ones that don't work yeah the ones that do nothing I use crystals you're like hey you smell like a fucking butthole yeah

I know you use crystals how about even Tom's deodorant you ever try that Tom shit yeah I don't trust that organic shit get yourself some fucking Old Spice I completely agree throw some aluminum

in my deodorant I don't give a shit Old Spice I feel like used to be lame but I feel like it's like my go-to now. It's just safe. I feel like it had a run where people thought it was lame. Oh, really?

It's my go-to. Yeah, I love Old Spice. That red, the red stick? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm a secret man. I know that's controversial. I always knew you were a woman.

It's a controversial take. Secret? But I like the powdery. Yeah. And it works. Strong enough for a man damn yeah i never heard that i grew up with my dad had that white bottle that little one you know you do one of these moves you know damn yeah you do damn i didn't know you did that my dad did that oh oh he's my secret yeah yeah yeah i'm a secret guy they're cheap they smell good they feel good i love it but yeah old spice is the shit it's classic that's like what axe wants to be

remember axe i did i didn't know i was young i didn't know axe was an actual deodorant it's like body spray you can't use that as a deodorant replacement i remember my parents sent me away for like a week to a basketball camp and i didn't know that i should have brought actual deodorant i smelled so no one wanted to guard me uh right right it was i i smelled like an asshole yeah yeah it's bad and that was huge like i remember the commercial was a guy running shirtless and all these girls are chasing like a skinny, like a twerpy guy. And he just went, shh. That was huge.

And they sold like crazy. Yeah. Axe, what happened? Is Axe done? I think people got wise to how just horseshit it is. You need just some fucking deodorant, folks. They need a rebranding. Yeah.

They really need a rebranding because it is one of those things. And then they were trying to do like shampoo. And I'm like, I didn't trust you for deodorant. Nah. Think I'm going to bathe with you, dude. Right. Fuck that shit.

What was that old Galifianakis joke that doesn't age well about, he's like, the black people have a hotline called Axe. What? Oh, I'm fucking it up. You know, like ask,

but Axe. He did on SNL. Damn. He opened with it. Yeah. Damn. Killed. And I'm butchering it. It's a better joke it that goal post keeps being pulled in oh snl imagine doing that now but yeah funny joke but yeah axe was big

old spice is always the key it's all about quality if you have quality it'll last yeah i remember the first day i had bo i went to public school and i had horrible bo and i didn't know it and i got my ass kicked by everybody like damn you stink motherfucker you know it was bad it was bad because you know when you're a kid you can go like three days without showering and it's not that big of a deal well i don't know dude that's that could be a big deal all right it's not like now but yeah you got to shower and especially in this heat holy shit but you don't really see a kid with bo like a like a 10 year old do they have bo i don't know they can smell like piss and vinegar and fish but they

just smell i don't know but you're right might not be bo yeah so i never had bo and then one day i guess i just hit puberty or something i had horrific bo and i i mean these kids were relentless i remember i was a chubby kid and i remember uh like feeling my i like the day i realized i grew tits that's a tough feeling because i remember i just i just like felt it at like a sleepover my friend was like yeah you have tits you're confirmed i was like shit and he's like can i get a feel i let him suck him but you know it was you know no yeah that's a tough feeling that's tough i was a chubby kid too and my whole childhood was just looking down to make sure i didn't have the role you know you always had to stretch the shirt that was big that was bad dude tits though i never had tits i never got really i what they were tiny i mean it was an a cup but it was still all right still a bummer can we get a photo of you shirtless chubby chubby i'll try to find

one oh one eyebrow two tits that's what we call it that's the book that's the memoir eyebrow two tits i really you know i didn't really i beat it by just kind of growing i just had a big growth spurt i didn't really do anything i mean i played sports and shit but like I didn't really I beat it by just kind of growing I just had a big growth spurt I didn't really do anything I mean I played sports and shit but like I didn't like you know you just beat it by getting tall yeah well puberty is like it's almost like steroids where it just it levels you out like I was a chubby kid too and then I hit puberty and it just melted away isn't that cool that's so cool now it's like I fucking drink anything I gotta run for like Jesusesus christ i know

i know people ask us like you guys aren't big like and you guys drink all the time it's like yeah it's fucking work yes yes that's a great stanhope joke he's like it sucks the kids are so like healthy and they can they can heal he's like i need it now back then i was a happy kid i didn't need to drink now i need to drink because i'm an old adult piece of shit with bills and now i can't because of my body i'm butchering that one stan hope is so great i mean he's someone i want on this show so bad i mean doug stanhope i love his joke about excess and moderation oh don't have a couple drinks every night pick one night and get really fucked up yes yeah oh that's brilliant here's the other one

about like when like young people were like catch up and he goes i've had fucking 10 000 more beers than you you catch up motherfucker he has some old like classic one-liners too where he's like uh ah today's been a bummer i blew a speaker in my car he was motivational he's got one of my favorite comedy jokes ever where he says um he says to the crowd at the beginning of a taping he goes when i do comedy it's like i'm taking you into war you're not all gonna be here by the end that's incredible especially for the type of comedy he does that's brilliant i love stanhope damn yeah he's great uh i mean if we had him on the show, we'd have to clear the schedule and it'd probably go four hours.

Does he still go that hard? Oh, yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. He's a mess. That worries me. I know. I know, but.

I don't want to go that hard because I don't want to have to quit. Exactly. That's the thing is like. Like Ron White quit. Sometimes people will say to me like, you know, on the road, like have a drink. I'm like, I need to pace myself. Yes. Because I want to enjoy. I like alcohol. I like a buzz. I me, like, you know, on the road, like, have a drink. I'm like, I need to pace myself. Yes. Because I want to enjoy it.

I like alcohol. I like a buzz. I don't like getting, like, fucking wrecked. When I was young, I did. Yeah. But that's shit you're trying to escape. Exactly. Like, Gillis is always like, I want to see you hammered.

I want you getting really drunk. I'm like, why, though? Why? I get it. It's fun, whatever. But, like, I won't remember it. And then tomorrow will be ruined. Yeah.

It's also like a compliment to Shane. I think Shaneane is so funny i want to remember the hang yes yes i remember with the seller one night and he was like he was like i grabbed a whiskey and he's like oh we doing this i'm like what is this the x games just trying to have a fucking whiskey right exactly we're casually hanging out and having a drink and i look, I'm all about getting hammered. I did it last night, but you got to pick and choose. I mean, it was our birthday. Birthdays are hard. Yeah. And it's like sometimes it's just fun to get drunk with someone you love.

Yeah. I mean, we drink together a lot. And it's like we drink at a good – I mean, I feel like off the pot will go a little harder. Sure. We do want to keep this entertaining. Yeah, and we have microphones that are recording. Although it is a little harder. Sure. We do want to keep this entertaining. Yeah, and we have microphones that are recording. Although it is a good disclaimer. You know, if someone tries to cancel us, we might have been drunk.

It's possible. It's the name of the pod. You got that right. Well, I got bad news, or maybe it's good news, but I know you're not coming to the bachelor party anymore, but guess who took your place? DeRosa. Yeah, but- Who else?

Kreischer. Really? So, oh oh shit should i say where it is is that stupid okay all right i won't say where it is but kreischer's coming and that just adds a whole another element because he's a millionaire and a multi-millionaire a multi-millionaire and the biggest drunk on the planet. So this really kicked up a notch. Yeah, well, that's going to be a tough week now. Oh, yeah. But we're doing a separate bachelor party in New York. Yeah. You, me, Phil Hanley.

We'll get a different crew. I wanted to be there. There's just no way with the road shit. I get it. Yeah, I'm bummed I'm not going to be there. DeRose will be fun. DeRose is another drunk where I'm like, I can't. I'm too old for this shit.

And by the way, so is he. He's older than us. Yeah. I mean, I love Joe to death. He's legitimately one of the people who makes me laugh the hardest that I know. DeRose is insanely funny. So funny. Two straight years at his birthday party.

He would do these big pub parties on like a monday maybe with three straight years i go to his birthday every year i leave at what 2 33 a.m on a monday that's getting off easy too yeah i know and as i'm leaving he's like fuck you you piece of shit i'm like dude it's like you and three dudes with switchblades in their mouth like the fucking the party's dwindling down yeah and he's like he's like fucking asshole fuck you morel yeah piece of shit and i'd be like no now i want to stay let me come back in that's by the way that is a peeve of mine that the people who i shot at the maturosa yesterday and they were like drink for it you want we want you to drink for it and i said oh i'm probably not gonna drink because i'm you know i got a bunch of shows after and he just writes pussy ah i hate the calling the

adults yeah i'll drink when i choose to drink i drink plenty i know i know it's it never ends but the problem with derosa now is we've all been like all right i'm gonna get out of here and he's like where you going pussy now he owns a bar i know there's no escape you know you're like i gotta get out of here he's like why i gotta take we were at his bar i know there's no escape you know you're like i gotta get out of here he's like why i gotta take his bar yesterday oh there you go that's the perfect thing where he's like you know we're there and he's like it is hilarious when you have a friend where you're like this guy's got a drinking problem you're like what do you think he's gonna get sober no i think he's gonna buy a bar he bought a bar yeah all the things you say you're going to do on Coke, he does.

I'm going to start comedy. I'm going to start a bar. I'm going to do a podcast with Sal Locano. He actually does them. He follows through. Dude, he bought a fucking bar. Yeah. It's a cool bar. Beautiful bar.

It's really. You know what? I like old school bars. It's got that kind of hipster energy in a way that's not annoying. Yes, exactly. Hipster bars can be annoying, but I love the old movie pictures. I mean, it's fantastic. It feels like Mean Streets in there. It's like very kind of 70s New York, Lower East Side.

Go to Joey Rose's if you live in New York or if you're visiting. You've heard of DeRosa. He's been, I think, our only two-time guest on this podcast. Yeah, maybe. Him and Ari. He's got the, oh, too, that's Ari as well. The gift of gab, Joe. He can talk forever.

But yeah, no, I'm bummed to miss this thing. I mean, the real MVP of this bachelor party is Joe List, who's going to be sober around all you fucking lunatics. Yeah. How the hell is he going to do that? I pulled him aside yesterday. I was like, hey, so you know you're DD. And he's like, I don't want to be DD.

I'm like, you're DD. Like, who else? You're the drunk driver? Why can't you just Uber? Or designated driver, sorry. You can't just Uber? I think we're getting quite a big sprinter van. How many people is it?

Oh, jeez. I think we got about eight or nine. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. So it's got to get pretty rough. Damn. But I think it'll be fine. Well, I'm sorry to miss it, man.

I'm bummed to miss it. It's probably for the best. We might all die. Damn. Well, I'll come on the next episode. Welcome to I Might Be Drunk. No, it's... Damn, dude.

Yeah, be careful. I mean, DeRosa and Bert, that brings an energy that I am concerned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be interesting. Just because Bert Bert's gonna have something up his sleeve he's like here's what we'll do we'll get drunk and then we'll go to the gun range and you're like well wait a minute should we combine those two and then he's like and then I

got us a donkey we can ride it we can pet it we can fuck it whatever it is he'll he'll have something DeRosa's shit face he's like I fucked a donkey dude fuck I fucked the donkey, dude. Fuck. I fucked it. We Might Be Drunk is thrilled to welcome our new sponsor, Fanimal.

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Holy hell. You drunks out there get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash drunk. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash drunk. Get on it. Bert always has something up his sleeve, ironically. He has no shirt on. But he's like, I have the last dodo. We'll play with the dodo. I got the last one. They're not extinct like i have the last dodo we'll we'll we'll play with the dodo i got the

last one they're not extinct i got the last one we'll get it drunk and we'll play with it then we'll shoot it and then we'll eat it we'll eat it exactly he's like how'd you get it we're doing it up in new york we're gonna do something special all right we'll have a good separate crew of comics who can't make that one and that's gonna be a we're gonna do we're gonna do either steakhouse sushi spot and then maybe some shenanigans late night. We'll do an old school drunk night where we just need to get fucking, we'll just get ripped. We'll get ripped. Yeah.

All right, I like it. I'm thinking sushi, back room, you know, with like the sliding wax paper door, and the lady comes in, and we get the sake, and there's a bubbler like a weird zen garden and you hear like the you know the the monks or whatever i don't know i'm gonna find this place i don't know all right all right i'll tell you a peeve please omakase sushi umakase what does that mean it means uh 400 and still not full that's what it means i've been there fucking unbelievable yeah bad date spot because you just keep eating and the bill's nine million bucks it's it's insane dude it's the most expensive shit i've ever had i would say the same for sugarfish which is like the hot we went there together we did yeah in la yeah i felt like we had a we got gypped me too yeah i don't want to i

don't want to be negative energy because you always bring good energy, and I don't want to hurt the energy. But you could trash a restaurant. I know, but we were having a fun night, so I just was like, yeah, fuck it, we'll drink. We were hanging out. We were having our sushi. I didn't want to be the negative Nancy.

But yeah, I was pretty pissed at that place. Yeah, yeah. That's a chick spot. It is. That's what it is, completely. You know what the problem was? We went there because we were opening for Burt that night, place yeah yeah that's a chick spot it's it is that's what it is completely we just couldn't you know what the problem was we went there because we were opening for bert that night and yeah it was like 4 p.m when we needed dinner because of the fucking pandemic every dinner spot

for some reason opens at five or five we wanted musso and frank yeah of course the classic i know and then i heard uh letterman was there the night before i'm really glad yeah we didn't go there that would have ruined my fucking hey dave i'm doing your show in a buddy yeah just ruin his dinner yeah he's like this guy's on the show get rid of him but yeah i know so we had the sushi it's fine whatever but we'll go to a real sushi spot and really, really fill up and get some sake. Do you go hot sake or regular? Hot all day. Really?

Are you regular? I don't know. It's your party. We'll do whatever you want. I can cry if I want to. Yeah. But I don't know. Hot seems weird.

How did you... What do you guys... You're the bartender. I mean, you're the expert here. I mean, I think I really like hot sake across the board. If you don't know the spot or you don't see the selection, because it'll be generally pretty decent across

the board. But I like the unfiltered sake, the one that has a little sediment in it, and it almost looks milky. Ew. It looks weird, and the mouthfeel and the texture is something to get used to but the flavors are awesome let's get some of that milky sake it's usually it's usually higher proof as

well and it's oh i see what he's talking about oh geez damn looks like a miso soup it's just but it's fantastic though like it has like all the like it has like so many crazy flavors in it. I'd leave that out for my cat. That's one lucky cat. Yeah. Fuck catnip, I guess. Dude, I want to try that. It's good, man. There's a lot of, just look for unfiltered sake.

Sake is under, it's underrated. We haven't done a sake yet. We haven't done a sake yet. Let's do a sake yet. All right, let's do a sake yet. All right. Of course, absolutely. I'll wear my kimono. I think we, let's do a, let's do a sake app where we both show up in robes.

Oh, now we're talking. Now we're talking. Just toeing that line right there. You're out. We're getting a geisha. We already got a gay. I'll paint my face, dude. Well, you got to box those feet, though.

That's the thing. You got to have that wooden shoe. We make your feet smaller. My feet need to be a boat, like a canoe. What are you rocking? to box those feet though that's the thing you gotta have that wooden shoe and we uh we make your feet smaller my feet need to be a boat like a canoe what are you rocking 14 and a half 14 and a half what are you i'm 13 14 and a half man i'm 11 11 yeah 11 big all right i feel like gary coleman in this room what are you peters 14 13 damn we got some big feet big feet in this room damn big shoes to fill all right um oh i gotta speaking of shoes i got a fucking wreck all right dr shoals man oh i wear them every day rocking them right now they're that's all i wear like why would you not

at this point i agree game changer for me like Are we just old? No, just being on my feet all the time. Yeah, you're standing. I'm wearing Pumas. These are the least comfortable. I love how they look, but they're the least comfortable fucking shoes on the planet. Anything with a flat shoe is just like. I mean, I'm wearing like. Throw some Shoals in there.

You're good. Yeah. Fantastic. With the arch support. Yeah, dude. Yeah, they really change it. I wear New Balance usually. Tonight I'm wearing these.

What are those? These are Reebok. Oh, they look cool. That's my's my dr shoal right there it's worn to shit damn i know i love dr shoal you wore that pussy out dog i know sometimes i go no socks i raw dog but uh yeah yeah i love them they're huge game changer and we're stand-up comedians, and you're a bartender, so it's all standing. No, Dr. Scholl's is a fucking underrated. Oh, what did you just pop, dude? Just a salsa. A salsa.

All right. Mark, what do you? Give me a record of peeve. Let me peeve. Yeah. Two peeves. And how do you feel about this? Because it's kind of a cool guy move, but I'm not into it because I'm so insecure.

Leaving the phone call, no no bye what do you mean like they don't say bye oh i hate that okay my dad does that i was just talking to a girl who does that and i was like what do you what are you doing yeah you know you're like all right i'll see you at dinner at eight dinner at eight boop i'm like hello did i lose you uh i need a buy i need an ending unacceptable unacceptable i'll give you another one the uh abrupt buy no lead up no like i gotta go by just a you're just talking like all right bye oh that's fucking weird too that's bad too because you can't come back after a buy i can't be like wait wait wait wait i wasn't done yet the once you get here a buy it's over i don't like it yeah but the i mean i think we've talked about this in the pod before who knows but i back in the old flip phone days this was oh yeah when people could just go all

right i'll see you later clamshell yeah you're right everyone thought they were fucking ari gold what about this guy the uh all right all right remember remember there was a phone that would beep it would be like beep beep so uh all right i'll see you third thursday at one okay i'll be there remember that one it would like it was almost like a walkie talkie yeah the next tell was it next that was a real epidemic that was a real uh dirt bag who owned that phone oh yeah it was a drug dealer type shit. In public. They were putting truck notes on their cars as well. That was it.

That was it. Yep, yep, yep. The yellow one. Yeah, you're not in the military. You're fucking, you're hanging on the street corner annoying everybody around you. Yes, even in the ad, he's talking into it like a fucking asshole. Yeah. Yeah.

When phones were fun. I got another phone peeve. All right. The long voice memo oh yeah people leaving me a minute and a half i'm talking to you salicus if you're listening a minute and a half what the fuck is that shit yeah that's unacceptable a minute and a half that's too much the phone call at least we're going back and forth there's an engagement i mean if you talk that long on a phone it doesn doesn't feel as draining. But just like that, I mean, that's a minute and a half.

I actually had this peeve once, and he was sitting here, and I bailed on it. Really? Because it's all him. Yeah, he does it. Well, I don't know. Maybe it's because he's walking his dog or something. So he's like, dude, Matt, pick up the phone and fucking call me. I know.

I mean, I get it because I'm back and forth on it. He's on a gig right now. We're just trashing him. Iashing him i feel terrible sorry matt but you want to get an idea out but you also don't want to type at all so i get that and also you know you might not be able to do a back and forth polite conversation so you're getting the idea out quick so that way i get it but sometimes they get a little too winded you know in new york it's unacceptable in la i In L.A., I almost understand it a little because you're like, all right, you're driving or something. So you're doing the voice memo. Here, subway, I mean, we're not driving. You should be texting.

I agree. Remember when we thought texting wouldn't catch on? Well, T9 was a real cunt. Remember that? That was a fucking cunt. That was a bitch hitting that 7 15 times just to spell skedaddle then blackberry came out and we're like well clearly blackberry is the phone of the future it's got a scroller it's like a golden tea that oh dude i thought those look so cool

blackberry yeah they look great all the wall street guys had them oh man you're just like on the thing like this you're like this is fucking this is how you do it and then holy shit yeah yeah he was playing brick breaker the whole time there was a lot of that and now i got one more phone peeve and i wait i forgot it hold on phone peeve oh i believe oh i got it all right so i was talking on the phone with a guy in a comedy club and it kept cutting out because you know comedy club basement you know it's all it's all closed off so i'm like i'm losing you man i'm losing all that shit so it just call ends so he calls back and he goes whatever i just want to say this and i go all right got it got it it's gonna go out again it goes out again he keeps calling back and i'm like it's not gonna work man and then we he called

me like 19 times and eventually i was just like i I'm not answering. Is this Vinnie Brand? Who is this? It's similar. Similar. Yeah. But it wasn't him. But he just kept calling back and I'm like, it's not me in a tunnel. I'm in a comedy club.

I'm going to be here for a while. Yeah. What point do you just think to text? Exactly. He never texted. Texting is great because you're not demanding that much of someone's attention. Right. And it's kind of like you get to it when you get to it.

Yeah. And if you want to have a back and forth, you can have it. But, you know, sometimes people send me a long text. I'm like, hey, I'll get to this in a minute. I'm doing something. Yeah. Yeah. I got another phone peeve.

All right, please. We're on a rant here. My mom will do this sometimes. I'll be like on the phone with her and there's like honking. She's like, where are you? Aruba. Where the fuck do you think I am? I'm in Midtown. There's traffic. There's honking. I's like, where are you? Aruba. Where the fuck do you think I am? I'm in Midtown.

There's traffic. There's honking. I'm at home. Right, right. I'm on a private jet. Where are you? I'm on the road. That's hilarious.

Where are you? Man, this is going to be a great mashup of just phone peeves, Matt. Just ranting. Now I got another peeve that could be related to the phone yeah what's going on with gmail i got a gmail from a guy he goes hey what was the name of that song we talked about and i go hold let me let me check the search so i'll put in the search led zeppelin nothing nothing comes up but i'm like i swear to god i wrote led zeppelin a month ago in an email or whatever rolling stones so then you're like well let me try led now led nothing there let

me try zeppelin then something comes up from 2004 and you're like what the fuck is this what's going on with the google search i can't find any email is it on your phone or your computer i think i think phone computer will give you a better one really the phone delete shit am i wrong man why would that oh the storage i don't know i've had the same problem i'm looking for jokes a lot yes yes yeah so you're like uh whatever basketball or or or chihuahua and you type it all in and nothing comes up but i'm like what what is that i might be wrong but i think it it's like if you're it depends which like inbox you're searching it in like if you're like in drafts or in box or like outgoing but can you do search all i have no idea okay not that well because texts are pretty good like if we talked about uh t-shirts one day i'll type in shirts and it'll come up you know like 18 text threads of shirt talk will come

up but i can find it like i put bodega a bodega cat conversation i miss our conversation it's coming soon though right yeah yeah he said uh roll out in august early august it'll be on the website it's literally the most asked question i get is bodega cat coming i saw chris in houston when i was. The guy brings some of the best whiskey. I'm going to have to bring it in. He brings in a fucking bottle from 1969. What? Chris Hart.

Thank you, brother. It shaped like this. And I was like, why is it shaped like a rectangle? He said, because in the 60s, men would put it in their briefcase. Get the fuck out of here. How cool is that? So we're drinking that. We're drinking like, he brings some like, amazing.

He brought me a bottle of Pappy, dude. Oh. I mean, like, he brings some like, amazing, brought me a bottle of Pappy, dude. Oh. I mean, fucking, like insane whiskey. I mean, it was a horrible idea because I was like, I'm not going to drink this weekend. I was drunk every show. I was like, how do you, I mean, you know what's about when someone's drinking whiskey that good. I'm with people in the green room who don't drink.

I got, oh, look at that cat. That's a good looking label. I got Vitor who doesn't drink and I got DeWood who's filming me who doesn't drink. He's like a fucking 19 year old kid. Oh, really? I found him on Epstein's call logs. And no, but these, you can't, none of these guys drink, but I'm like, this whiskey is so good.

You know it's good whiskey when you're like, I'm going to drink alone every night. Yes. I've never had the Pappy. It's like this mythical legend. I haven't had it yet. Oh, you haven't had it. I didn't open it. Wait't open it wait wait what i opened the other he bought other bottles too ah got it these are bottles like the 60s that are like high end wow the briefcase thing blows my mind cool shit that is so cool i mean it's probably not cool they were fucked up at work all day and then coming home and probably hitting their wives probably not cool at all but imagine

that clanking too like what do you got a lot of files in there no it's actually this is my work this is my work briefcase leave me alone i wonder if doctors were doing that too oh probably think about that i've hooked up with doctors and they're just like we just get ripped and i'm like are you working tomorrow and they're like yeah i'm like that's horrible that's crazy insane doctors and teachers are the two biggest when i've gone on dates with doctors or t and lawyers too really put them back yeah but doctors i mean teachers hung over you play a movie a doctor's hung over you kill someone right yeah that's a good point i don't know you a fucking hung what's worth a science teacher or a surgeon come on this is a fucking problem i

got another bad one is my buddy's a pilot, and he puts them back. Damn. Delta. That's not what you want to hear. Hey, there's your pilot. I'm fucking working hard up here. You guys up? Any hot ladies on this flight? I'm just kidding. My dick doesn't work. We should land in about two to three hours, hopefully.

You can take your mask off up here. I'm just saying. My dick doesn't work. We should land in about two to three hours, hopefully. You can take your mask off up here. I'm just saying. I'm on the cockpit for a reason. Yeah, yeah. They got rid of the peanuts, but all right. Two pilots, thank God, right? I mean, that's fucking. Wait, what?

Two pilots on a flight. Oh, yeah, yeah. Good point. Good point. That is true. I always think about that. One of them's got to take a violent dump. Right.

One of them's got to just, you know, I don't know. Got to fly the plane. Yeah. How hard could it be? Come on. I mean, they're having some staff shortages right now. That's right. I did notice.

Someone messaged me because I said, I feel like turbulence is getting worse. There's these articles. These pilots are overworked. So what does that mean? I just think like they're exhausted. So they're hitting bumps? I don't know. Interesting.

But when they're, maybe those two aren't connected, but maybe that's why the flights are all getting canceled. They're all getting delayed. I mean, these pilots are, I mean, I don't know. I feel like you do a worse job at anything if you're sleep deprived. Of course, of course. And then the travel has gone way back up, obviously. And it's summer, so everybody wants to go travel and go overseas and all that.

So it's a bad combination. I don't think anyone wants to go to the places I'm hitting this fall. Fort Wayne, Indiana, Springfield, Missouri. We got the same schedule as like a Marine. I got to go here and do boot camp or whatever. I'm pumped. I'm pumped to do it though it's like i need to run these that's the excitement of like running a new act is like man the the difficulty of just structuring it and putting it together is kind of a rush like it keeps you humble yeah like you can't really ever get a big head when you're just trying new shit and bombing no and you're doing tougher rooms

too so you don't have that cushy like oh they like me here they yes they know though i think some of those smaller cities like not everyone hits those smaller cities so they're kind of true they're kind of pumped too they appreciate it but i did fort wayne and it was a it was a it was a slug fest and i was going in there with an act yeah and it was a lot of guys getting thrown out damn you bring your a-game yeah oh yeah and it was still like ah you suck talk about this fuck that talk about that you know fuck that always the worst when they name other comics like what's up with tim dylan you're like he's not here i'm here i've heard i've had that too. I've gotten heckled about you before. Yeah, there you go. How's Mark?

Fine? Yeah. The worst is where's Sam? He's on a gig. He's doing another gig. He's a comedian. You know what? We're very lucky though. I feel like our people that come out to see us are very comedy savvy.

Oh, yeah. One of the best compliments I ever get from wait staff or club managers is like, man, your crowd really drinks and they're really well behaved. Yes. I've heard the same. Wow. I think, like, we have really cool listeners. Yeah. And we have, like, going off the Patreon, we have really creative listeners.

Like, the shit they send in. Oh, yeah. Artists and writers and all these, like, cool people that listen to this. It's so nice. We should have a name for our, they drink,'re still sophisticated briefcase drunks that's the name of our our fan base they're briefcase drunks they still go to work but they still like to you know have a couple uh tall ones well you have one of my favorite bits about the uh the functioning alcoholic oh you deserve more credit right if you're an alcoholic exactly yeah hey he's so

drunk he didn't go to work it's like fuck you i slept here yeah that's a great bit oh thanks i like a joke defending the alcoholic hey right i mean when i first heard that before i even knew you that hit a little too close to home okay because i just woke up in a bar that i'm supposed to open right now. On the floor? No, no, no. On the couch? I have a little office situation. A Murphy bed?

That was a while ago. Isn't it funny that the shitty bed is an Irish name, too? Oh. They can sleep anywhere, these people. That's good. Yeah. By the way, the Murphy bed was the coolest thing as a kid. And then now, if you see somebody with a Murphy bed, you're like, what a fucking loser.

Yeah. What is a Murphy bed? It comes out of the wall. You've seen it in movies. I always thought that was cool when it was a movie. In a movie, it's always a show where the big loser guy is. I know. In Manhattan, it's sometimes kind of cool because it's like someone who's like really space conscious.

They have the ones that descend from the ceiling now. Wow. So it like covers your like couch or living room or whatever and turns your like whatever like studio into like. That's what I mean. It's like you have more space. I don't think it's as dumb. When you live in like a really expensive city, it's not as lame.

But like, I mean, there's something about, I mean, in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, the detective has a Murphy bet. It's like supposed to show that he's like works in his office and he's a loser. Right. But I think it is kind of cool. I mean, if you're in LA and you have a Murphy bed, that's rough. Wow, that's rough.

But do you have to get caught up in it? I mean, that's every cartoon. You sleep in it and it closes. I mean, we've got that joke down, folks. We got it. And then the one that comes out of the ceiling I couldn't have because I get drunk and get crushed you know you're like oh here's my bed and you just lay on the floor and then just smushes you that is kind of cool though yeah I mean it's a good look but I would get caught anything futuristic like that no it's crazy high tech it looks so cool like I was I've been like

looking for apartments and stuff like that and I saw saw a few of those. I was like, what is this? Remember the first time you saw a TV come out of a dresser? My grandpa had one of those, and I think it was really cool in 1989. Yeah. And then he had it, and I was like, this is kind of fucking lame. It takes a minute. What, like out of the footboard? Well, tech shit, when you go too hard with tech at a certain point. It ages.

Yeah, it ages. I mean, look at it like go to a good casino you ever go to the rio oh that was a great casino in the 80s look at one of those rooms now and you're like this is fucking trash yeah this is a bad room dice played here you're like yeah and i think that's the peak 1989 baby water look at waterbed waterbed's another one where you're like this is the coolest thing the height of technology

and then you're like this sucks yeah waterbeds do suck who had that idea like I don't understand waterbeds at all

it's good on paper hey you know I like a firm mattress I do too I do too I think they had sand ones for a hot minute

yeah I like a rock hard mattress throbbing uh veiny I like a rock-hard mattress. Throbbing. Veiny. I like a veiny mattress. Remember memory foam? That was the big one. Memory foam is good.

Is it? Well, memory foam pillows are good for you. You don't use a memory foam? Nah, I need a better pillow. I got a better pillow. Oh, my God. Get yourself a decent pillow. That's everything.

Maybe I'll hit up MyPillow. MyPillow. That guy. I don't like his pillows. I love his. Maybe I'll hit up my pillow. My pillow. That guy. I don't like his pillows. I love his views. I love a crucifix. No, I like a good neck pillow. Go with a temper neck or one of those good pillows, man.

Game changer. You sleep well. I've been having to sleep on my back lately. I used to sleep on my stomach, which apparently is horrible for you. Yeah. And you sleep on your back. I don't know, man. You ever just get fucking horrible nightmares doing that? I definitely dream a lot

more. On your back, right? 100%. What is that? Is there a reason, Matt? Is there a reason for this? Can you look that up? That's interesting. I would say that the only thing I would say is that because there's more light hitting you if you have windows, if you don't have blackout curtains. I do the sleeping mask. Your REM sleep keeps getting intermittently,

or rather, it keeps getting interrupted. So you keep having cycles of dreams rather than just falling back into deep sleep. I go side every night. Really? I'm all right side like that. Damn. Yeah.

You probably have a better neck than me. Maybe, but my pillow sucks. I got to get on the pillow. If you're on your side get that get the get the leg pillow thing I like do you like you alone? You put a light like you're just a mere side get it get it get some because that helps your back a lot I put a little pillow under my legs too. It's just easier to fall asleep on your back that way boy You're a little high maintenance We got the I don't like it this way dude i have

a fucked up neck but yeah we got the neck pillow you got a fur mattress you got a leg pillow and you got the eye mask neil brennan has like the funniest bit about that about like how uh my white friends when they're uh sleeping look like they're in the icu my black friends look like they fell asleep in the middle of a conversation oh white people need the pillow the white noise machine I used to be this way dude I had fucking disc burnt off my spine like I I've had some like legit you know neck problems and spine

problems I used to sleep in my stomach I used to just I have to pay attention a little bit yeah if you tell me you got the mouth guard I'm gonna leave the sleep apnea thing well oh the CPAP is bad. But I'm talking about like when I was a kid growing up, they had the braces kid, you know, who had the big mouth thing. That was a problem.

Thank God I don't have the Darth Vader sleep mask thing. Yeah. Oof. You know what else is bad, too, is the chewing. The guys who chew in their sleep, they grind their teeth, so they have like a like a you know like a kicker like a mouth guard grinding your teeth yeah pull that thing up it's like a weird rubber thing like that football players wear and he's got to wear it every night in front of ladies stress yeah probably if you're grinding your teeth, you're probably not able to relax. Yeah, yeah.

It's pretty ugly. These aren't... Yeah, it's kind of like that. It's rubber, and it's got a big handle in the front so you can pull it out. Should we do... Give me a rec, man. Oh, hey, rec. Well, I wanted to ask if you saw the Chappelle school speech.

I haven't. Have you? I did. I watched it. It's interesting. I haven't. Have you? I did. I watched it. It's interesting. I don't think it's billed as a comedy special, but it's pretty interesting. You know the story? He tried to name a theater.

He went to this art school in D.C. They tried to name a theater after him, and all the kids protested. Right. So then he gave a speech at the school about like defending himself and it's pretty interesting interesting because he comes off like the good guy although he's very uh braggadocious but yeah i just i saw the quotes and i uh quotes are bad look it's a little kanye ish it's a little right right obviously i love chapelle and i i think a lot of them but i i don't love the i'm of the thought of like let other people say it i agree i completely let other people say that

you're great instead of you tell us you're great yeah let the work say yeah i don't view comedy as like a sport where like i know when muhammad ali is like saying he's the greatest ever i just think it's different i think in a competitive environment you you do that shit it's it's a competitive advantage yeah in an art form or an entertainment setting i just think it's it's a little different well yeah subjective versus you can see points or that guy's knocked out that guy's not knocked out there you go he's got a better record than him it's like it's it's we all know he's right we yeah it doesn't need to be said but i thought it was worth a watch and at the end he pulls a string and he goes we won't call it my we won't use my name but we'll call it the theater for freedom of expression which i thought was a nice little

move at the end there like hey let me just say what i want to say all right maybe not the best but no no i've heard it's interesting i i love chapelle i really i think he's interesting and uh and funny and you know uh it's an interesting watch because it's not really comedy he's like kind of pleading his case but yeah i've also been i know i'm way late to the game but i'm way in the house of cards really oh i'm on season four i'm loving it till spacey went to court to watch this shit i think i did yeah it's so good you just watched chinatown and rosemary's baby as well i'm getting on perfect perfect strangers but uh it's so good my god robin wright amazing so hot and such a hell of an actor. And Spacey kills it.

And it's just the weaves and the bobs. It's a good show. Great show. What's his name? Mahershala Ali is incredible. Yes, he's incredible. That was like where I discovered him. I know he's probably been working forever. So you watched it when it was new?

Yeah. Oh, okay. I just got on that. Oh, yeah. There aren't a ton of great Netflix originals. That was sure as hell one of them. Oh, man. Amazing.

I mean, original shows, I mean. Now, here's the question, because, spoiler alert, but Spacey is kind of being worked out. He's being a dick, and everybody hates him, and he's kind of crumbling. Did they know he was going to get in trouble, and they wrote him out, or did this happen naturally? That's a good question. I don't know. I bailed i mean i i when he was off the show i stopped watching yeah i'll probably stop as well but yeah boy it's so

good it's just so good to see a great netflix series and it's one of those like you can't stop watching like one minute it ends and you're like i gotta stop i gotta stop it's two in the morning but i inevitably watch another one he's's a beast, no doubt. Beast. You ever see him on Inside the Actor's Studio? Yeah, he was great. He's doing impressions and shit. That's an amazing video. So funny, so charming. He wanted to be Bobby Darin.

You can just tell. Because when he played Bobby Darin, I didn't see the movie, but I'm like, you're like 15 years too old to be playing Bobby Darin. But he's playing Bobby Darin, and he can sing. I mean, he's like a song and dance guy. Oh, yeah. Give you impressions. Oh, yeah.

I mean, he is incredible. I mean, he's incredible. I've always said this. I think a lot of people can act. I don't think, like, they're child actors. It's not as hard as we build it up to be. But there are people like him who I'm like, oh, shit, he's awesome. Like, he's on another level. Yeah, there's people like Daniel Day-'m like oh shit he's awesome like he he's on

another level yeah there's people like daniel day lewis like obviously the caprio there's people that are like denzel there's people on like another level yeah but there are a lot of people that i think we do kind of build up back yeah street there's people we build up sometimes where i'm like a lot of people can do this shit i think you're dead on. I would say Travolta is underrated. That guy can sing. He can dance. I mean, Grease, he killed it. Grease?

Yeah. Night Fever? Great on a massage table as well. Oh, my God, yeah. He ropes you right in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't get me started on Broken Arrow. But, yeah, he was like a triple threat.

He was like, when I was growing up, you had to do everything. Think about vaudeville guys. Those guys had to know how to sing, dance, tell jokes, all kind of juggle and shit. Yeah, they're finding people on TikTok. They're like, hey, they were compelling. Yeah, right, right. The TikTok shit's crazy. I know a lady, she's like, I just dabbled in TikTok.

And now she has an agent and everything because one of her videos went viral i saw this this quote that was like no matter who this person is they're probably dealing with an invisible problem that you don't know about i was like unless they're on tiktok then they're probably talking about it non-stop to all their followers so true i think a lot i don't think i think you uh underestimate this generation yeah they're using that problem to connect with people and get likes i know i saw a woman like she's like i'm getting a iud put in and she she filmed it i'm like what are we doing here this is a little much what doctor is allowing this yeah right what doctor's like cameras on rolling action sound speeding that's a good point. That's what you say for a circumcision. And cut.

All right. But you got a bit? Yeah, let me see. I got a few. Oh, did I try this one on you? The one about I was on a flight. I say I was on a flight and this person started praying on the flight and I got really annoyed until we hit turbulence and I joined him. But that's like my you up text to God.

Right. Praying during turbulence i'm like hey god i know i've been really shitty but uh i can change it's me then we then we land and i'm like never mind we're good yeah that's funny because it's almost like when you you know when you jerk off you're like yeah i'm good on the date you had that yeah yeah it's the same with prayer once yeah yeah you're like i'm all right now yeah you. You had that. Yeah. It's the same with prayer. Once the turbulence stops. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, I'm all right now.

Yeah. You really are. It's like whining and dying a woman. Yes. And then you come and you're just like, I'm going to keep being shitty. Yeah. I mean, I guess the message is we just want people when we need them. Yeah.

We're just we're just deeply selfish. Yeah. Yeah. That's why religious people are kind of noble in a weird way because like they're doing it all the time exactly do it when we need it we make fun of religious people but they're doing it they're putting in the work totally we're the dudes that show up in the leather jacket to god they're the people that are like and you need anything else god right right seinfeld of that great bit about uh he's

like i'm not a religious guy until the toilet starts overflowing at a party and he's like please i'll do anything you know very relatable very relatable all right all right what do you got is this too uh is this too divisive so i was talking to my lady and she was like what about believe all women do you believe all women and i was like, what about Believe All Women? Do you believe all women? And I was like, well, I don't think so. Because last night you said I was the best you've ever had. And I lasted two minutes and then cried. So how can I believe you? Because Believe All Women tends to only be bad shit.

You know, like fucked up shit. What about the good? What about when they're like, you're huge? You're like, I'm not. I'm six inches. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're lying. It's nice. I appreciate it. I'm six inches. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're lying. It's nice.

I appreciate it, but it's still a lie. We never talk about the believe all women for the compliments. Yeah. Is that too edgy? I don't know. I think it works. It's like believe all women. Well, believe the good shit.

Right. I'll believe the bad shit if you can also be honest about the good shit right i mean i'll believe i'll believe the bad shit if you can also be honest about the good shit yeah your lack of consistency is making everything a problem yeah like that's why you can never say believe all men because it's all a lie do i look fat in this no no no but you know you're huge but you know maybe that's an angle i think the angle is all of us are lying yes we. We're all liars. Right. Why would I believe all women?

Yeah. Well, people. Why would I believe people? It's not even about men and women. Yeah, it's people lie constantly. How you doing? Fine. Well, that was a lie.

You know, everything's a lie. Yeah, and the people are honest are the ones you don't want to be around. How you doing? Not well. Not well. And let me tell you why. Right. Get away from me. This is the person I have to believe right and that is weird because honesty

is like a virtue and it's like a redeeming quality but anybody who's honest you're like oh this guy's a fucking pill i think the angle is believe most women there you go but occasionally you fuck you're full of shit right right and I know from proof from telling me I'm huge. Yeah, I like the idea of bringing it back on you. Yeah, yeah. Where it's like self-deprecating. Right.

You told me I was huge. I can't believe this happened to you. Yeah, yeah. You fucked the Mavericks. You know? You can't tell me I'm huge. The Mavericks. Is that...

Dallas? Yeah. No, you nailed it. I say one of the Mavericks, yeah. You fucked one of the Dallas Mavericks. Is that... Dallas? Yeah. Yeah, no, you name it. I say one of the Mavericks, yeah. Fuck one of the Dallas Mavericks. That's a funny term or name, Mavericks. It's got a nice little K sound in there. Yeah, exactly.

Any other bits or should we wrap up? You hit me with something. I'm looking here. Let's see what I got. Oh, boy. Let's see what I got. These are just notes from therapy. Let me scroll down. It's see what I got. These are just notes from therapy. Let me scroll down.

It's kind of the same thing. Is this funny? My ex would catch me staring at other women, and she'd be like, oh, is that what you want? And I'd be like, maybe sometimes. You know, it's like, of course, they're not better than you, but there's a moment, right? It doesn't mean they're better. You're a five-star restaurant, but even if you eat at a five-star restaurant every night, you see a McDonald's, you see a Panda Express, you're going to look.

That's good. And you fool yourself for a minute where you're like, maybe this orange chicken will turn everything around for me. Maybe this will deeply satisfy me. And then, of course, you eat it and you're like, oh, fucking, maybe this orange chicken will turn everything around for me. Right. Maybe this will deeply satisfy me. And then, of course, you eat it and you're like, oh, my God, I hate myself. But in the moment. Yes. There's something about like a high end restaurant, too, where it's like it's almost like a top shelf woman where it's like, yes, you're better.

But it takes a lot of work. Yeah. Like I have to dress up. I have to make a reservation. Right. You know, a McDonald's woman. Yeah. I show up in sweatpants. I'm in and up. I have to make a reservation. Right. You know, a McDonald's woman, you know, I show up in sweatpants. I'm in and out. Yeah.

I might even throw it even further and go vegan. You know, like, yeah, I'm a vegan and I know this is wrong, but those nuggets look pretty good. Yeah. It's a good looking nugget. You know, like I get that it's wrong and the chicken went through hell or whatever but like golden nugget yeah because i remember seeing uh matthew perry he was on friends and he was having like a real rehab moment like he kept getting coked up and getting drunk and like

missing shoots and shit and they caught him in a mcdonald's hammered and they're like matthew perry you're a zillionaire you're on the biggest biggest show on TV. Why are you at McDonald's? He goes, sometimes you just got to have a Big Mac. He was like, hammered. It's on TMZ or whatever. And I get it. It's so true. Sometimes you just want the bottom barrel shit. You underestimate how much we in America hate ourselves.

Yes. McDonald's is number one. It's number one. Yeah. Look at Arnold. The guy, he was banging a Kennedy. And then he's like, what's up with that maid? Yeah.

And she was not an attractive maid, but he still had to get that fucking Burger King. I think we underestimate geographical desirability, I think. That too. Yeah. And there's McDonald's everywhere. Everywhere. Arby's, Burger King, KFC. Do I like Starbucks?

No, but it's there when you need it. Exactly. And I can afford it. Yeah, it's like a chicken last call this is a big bit this is great what do you got and there's a drive-through that gal i can just i can do one text that i'm on the run yeah i'm in her box um or bun all right uh this might not be a bit maybe it's just this is totally a just a random idea that i wrote down might be nothing that feels like a bit something there i was walking through irvine california which is kind of a nice upscale area and i walked by like eight spas these massage places with like the you know the the the as the Asian music and the muscular guys massaging you and the sauna and all these women like milfs in bathrobes holding small dogs with the eye, with the kiwi or whatever, the cucumber, whatever that is.

Kiwi. Sorry, cucumber. Definitely cucumber. Well, I'm like, wait a minute. Why are these spas all in rich nice areas who needs a spa less than this rich white lady who has like a you know a bentley shouldn't it be roofers and plumbers and welders is this anything it's great i would say i would say well i mean you know why it's there because they're gonna pay right but i would say why is it i mean it's it's a little weird that

this is where it is you You know who needs the massage? Not this woman with this tiny dog that's licking her face. Right. A dude who worked in a house all day. Yeah. And is sore as shit. And he might go his whole life being a roofer and never go to a spa. He probably won't.

But who needs a spa more than him? I think the angle is like, it's ironic that the people who need a break. Right. You know. Yeah, yeah. i think i think the angle is like it's ironic that the people who need a break right you know yeah yeah this lady's gonna get back into her like heated seats and go to her you know mansion and yet she's like oh i'm stressed you know this guy's working at a coal mine yeah she's stressed because her husband isn't answering her text this guy fucking has some sort of lung disease he's got black lung so yeah i i need a turn there, I think. But I think I got an idea.

Well, I think maybe it's one of those analogy bits where you're like, it's like. Right. Where it's like you have a. You're helping the wrong people. Yes. So, you know who needs an all you can eat buffet? Haiti. You know what I mean?

It's like maybe not Haiti, but like, you know. I hear you. A country that's hurting it's kind of like how they say the rich get richer you know like hey bono walks into this restaurant it's on us we love you too but the hobo is like can i get a doggy bag or like get out of here you piece of garbage kill yourself i don't know it was the same for therapy too i mean like who needs therapy more than people who can't afford it? Good point.

Right? It's a luxury. It is a luxury. All right, all right. You gave me hope. There's hope. This one, I was like, I can't crack it. It's always hope. It's a fun idea.

We got more to do. Should we plug some gigs? Mark, where are you going to be, man? I'm going to be all over the place. I'm sure this comes out in 2041, but uh i'll be in lexington lexington kentucky me too oh yeah houston improv i want to hear about that by the way loved it loved it great time great big big room yeah uh laugh out loud in san antonio i'm all over tejas comedy connection in providence love that that club. West Palm Beach.

And then I'm in Portland, Maine, which I've never been to at the Aura Theater. Amazing city. Oh, really? Best city for your life. I'm excited. I've never been there, and I've been everywhere, and I'm excited. I'll be working with Bird again at the Fully Loaded for one night at the Brandon Amphitheater in Mississippi. Richmond Funny Bone. Red Rocks.

Bakersfield at some brewing place, San Jose Improv, all kinds of Pantages Theater. We're remaking that up. Pittsburgh, Royal Oak, Michigan, Toronto, Portland, Oregon, Seattle, Vancouver, New Orleans, New Haven, Boston, Philadelphia, Nashville. There you go. Take it. I'll be all over.

We got, geez, I don't know when this comes out. Buffalo, San Jose, Los Angeles, Pittsburgh, Dania Beach, Louisville, Kentucky, Irvine, Omaha, Phoenix, Springfield, Missouri, Lexington, New Brunswick, Oklahoma City, Fort Wayne, Indiana, too many gigs even count. You guys know it city spokane tacoma samorelle.com slash shows i think that helps sell some tickets too mark just did i mean we listen to the patreon patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod uh beer jew anything to promote here uh so right now uh just starting up um paper plane consulting for all your bar and restaurant needs. Now we're talking. Top to bottom consulting, whether it's building a bar from scratch or designing menus, hiring, training staff.

Right now, starting out in New York City, but I got staff and people and resources in Miami and LA as well. Paper plane, good name for drunk pilots. Exactly, paper plane, yeah. That is legit my favorite cocktail. We got to do another episode. That's exactly what I do. I ordered one in Houston on the road. The bar, it was like a cool bar that made them.

Oh, yeah? So actually I have, I'm starting up like a partnership with a friend in Austin as well. So look out for that. And if anything, you know where to find me. All right. Thanks, gang.

Briefcase drunk. We're doing it. We'll see you next time. Comedy. Sunday's the day for my next bender. I've made a pivorette, you know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon And Norman's talking shit about the fucking punk

And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true.