We Might Be Drunk - Ep 89: Dina Hashem & Nasty Wine

Episode Date: August 22, 2022

Dina Hashem everybody! Not a fan of the natty wine, but we saved it! Follow Dina on IG: https://www.instagram.com/dinahashem_/?hl=en Don't forget Bodega Cat is available now! http://www.BodegaCatSpirits.com We got a new shirt store: https://www.bonfire.com/store/gotham-production-studios/ Join us on Patreon: http://www.Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod Find Mark and Sam on the road! https://www.sammorril.com/shows http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Support the show, quit smoking naturally with Füm, AND save 10% by using code DRUNK at https://www.breathefum.com/DRUNK Visit www.liquidiv.com and code Drunk

yo hey hey we're doing it we might be drunk we're back we're here still hung over different day it's a problem but hey what's more appropriate to being hung over on a on an alcohol show speaking of hung over last time i saw you, I was way worse. I was like handicapped, hungover. Dina Hashem, everybody. Let her hear it. You guys can clap or something. Mark says that.

All right. Is there someone I should be looking? No, it doesn't matter. Oh, okay. Look off into the distance. Thanks for joining us, Dina. We've got a little natty wine. We wanted to use the globe.

Yeah. Love a globe. I just found some natty wine. We wanted to use the globe. Yeah. Love a globe. I just found some natty wine. Ooh, nice. Looks good. Hell yeah. Is that Pharrell on the bottle there? Who is that? Mel Streep on there. Love it. We might have to turn Dina's mic

full volume here. She's got the voice of a gay mouse. So we gotta get that cooking. You could have said quiet mouse. I don't know why you went with gay. Going for comedy here. She's got the voice of a gay mouse. So we gotta get that cooking. You could have said quiet mouse. I don't know why you went with gay. Going for comedy here. Gay people are funny. Have you seen Fire Island? I haven't. Is it good? Oh, it's

great. Really? It's good, yeah. I heard it's great. It's Pride and Prejudice, right? Pretty much, which is also super gay. Oh, you're gonna crack that. Alright right notice a lot of these wine bottles are going unscrew now so i like the cork it's got a core i think corks are bad for the environment did you hear that quirks i don't i don't know give that a goog i think they're it's like keurig the keurig pods they're ruining everything. Oh, for sure. I mean, well, plastic is just, in general,

going to kill us. And Keurig coffee is dog shit. I'm drinking one right now. They're fucking horrible. Yeah, but they're so convenient. You gotta admit, they're in every office in the country. Did I sell you on the grind and brew though? Oh, I love the grind. Send in some more bags

of coffee, by the way, folks. Are you a coffee person, Dina? I have become one my whole life i never drank coffee and then i had a cup and i was like oh my whole personality was defined by not having coffee it's it's so much better to live this way but now i'm addicted to it like i feel tired without it i don't even enjoy it it doesn't taste good i don't like the taste of it the first cup when you're like you ever sick for like 10 days, and then you just have one cup of coffee on day 11, and the coffee hits you so hard? Oh, it's the best.

You went 11 days without coffee? When I'm sick, I don't drink a ton of it. Oh, man. It's like just part of my, it's like brushing my teeth now. I just have a coffee. It's an antidepressant, I'm told, too. I'm like, oh, that makes sense. It is not working on me.

All right. Tell me what you think this could be weird natural wine is always very funky no sulfites a little cloudy okay yeah it's very thick and and it's more juicy than actual wine somehow yeah it looks more like a juice somehow it looks more like a juice that's pungent my god damn that's strong Tina hates it we can get we've other alcohols very tart it smells it's like sort of nail polish remover yeah getting hints of nail polish well Mark and I like sucking on fingers so I that's what we're doing. I think it's kind of, I think you gotta give it a minute,

but I think this could be good. Oh, I like it. I'm into it. I like it better than regular. If you're not into it, Dean, I'll make you a cocktail. We got a full bar.

Oh my God, that'd be really exciting. Yeah? All right, what do you want? What do we have, Matt? Do we have a ton of shit? You wanna mic me up

and I'll go over there? I haven't seen you that appalled since you had bacon that one time well this is my mom's worst nightmare when i first started doing stand up she was like i don't want you hanging around bars and men and it's beautiful your mom is very religious yeah i mean she's a different person now. She's like chilled out, but she was a nightmare when I was growing up. Oh, really? My dad was the same way. Not like that. Well, no, he's not a muscle. But he was just the scary dad.

And then as he got older, he just chilled out. And he's an old man now. And he's like, how are you? Because they want to keep you in their life. Exactly. And they're weak and tired, I think, also. So it's a survival thing like i gotta be nice this guy can beat me up now whereas as a kid it's a hairy knuckled

you know guy and a wife beater what about was a mama was she a hitter only once only once when you know one time and i see it makes me feel bad to like tell bad stories about it because she's so nice and gentle now. I don't want that image of her in the world. Oh, we don't have to put it out there. What are we talking? Curvy sword, a wooden spoon? Yeah, she took a scimitar.

Is that what those are called? The curvy sword. Yeah, a scimitar. What do you like? I do tequila usually, but I'll have anything. Is this tequila? I'm already drunk from this wine. It's so strong.

It's heavy duty. The natural wine is no joke. Is it tequila soda or something? What do you like? Do we have lime soda? Is that mint in there? I'd love some. We did mint juleps.

Oh, yeah. This is our second ep. So buckle up, sister. I love that you just drink all day for work. Not bad, huh? It's pretty hard. And then when we do stand-up, we have a drink there. Oh, yeah.

I was literally just talking to a girl. She goes, I have interviews all day. I'm like, I got to work, too. Cocktails getting shit-faced. Oh, yeah. Not too shabby. Not too bad. Every comic on earth has done the joke, but it's too shabby. Not too bad. Every comic on earth has done the joke, but it's such a great joke.

You understand why things become hacky? Because they work. But you've heard the joke where the comic goes on stage, takes a swig, looks at his notes, checks his phone, and goes, you're telling me when you get to work, you start right away? Yeah, yeah. Kills! Classic. Classic.

Whoever the first person to think of that was hats off but i have no idea it's heard it 8 000 times by nine different people dina you were just writing for a show in california how was that i was it was really fun it was my first time writing like a joke for something other than myself and then seeing it be used like in a script like I'm excited to watch The show now to see like someone say my joke and it's very exciting feeling No, it's a sex lives of college girls Before I was writing for for a muzzy cartoon Wow muzzy cartoon the first of its kind Groundbreaking what's what's what's the premise is it about a woman not talking? What do we what's that? Aussie cartoon. The first of its kind. Hey, groundbreaking.

What's the premise? Is it about a woman not talking? I wish. No one's interested in showing the female Muslim perspective. I have to complain. It's just really difficult. That's the one I want to see. Really?

Well, the struggle is real. I mean, the burqa, is that burqa? The burqa is part of it. Yeah, yeah. And then the rocks and the no driving. Yeah, yeah. I think, well, you know, Saudi Arabia is really playing, they give a lot of money to American entertainment. They have a large stake in it. So this is my conspiracy theory that they're saying, don't give anything to a Muslim woman.

We can't. I see. I only like conspiracy theories that protect me from feeling failure. theory that they're saying don't don't give anything to a muslim woman we can't i see i only like conspiracy theories that um protect me from feeling failure that's what i like do you ever get nervous about the backlash um well i mean i'm sort of desensitized to it after a certain the bamsar was i was over there what the backlash from what like a muslim backlash i mean yeah no i think one day if i were to get some sort of like large special or something like that it could be it could be an issue but that's exciting like you know i guess you've dealt with it already you

ready like i feel like the worst that could happen you already got hit with and we don't have to talk about this if you don't i don't care um well the thing is i think muslims would actually carry out their threats of violence. Exactly. Charlie Headbow. That's an example. But you said it in a funny way. That's why we're laughing. Usually I go, 9-11. That's why we're laughing. It was funny.

Yeah, yeah. But you dealt with it in a way that was so unfair where like i thought your joke was funny great joke you posted a joke about this rapper not even me comedy central posted it yeah good point but what we do is comics as we write topical jokes i didn't think your joke was mocking a dead person first off i i think comics kind of have free reign to begin with but you made a joke that was like it's the perfect ad for Venmo because he got killed with a lot of money, right? Yeah, basically.

That's a funny turn. And it's not against him. No, in the joke I say it's tragic that he died. Exactly. They see blood. Young people on the internet see blood and they're like, it's a way. It's sick. Well, it's just that fan base.

I mean, the guy who just got um who did what was the last mass shooting i lose track what was the last one oh the party i mean this is coming out in three weeks so there'll be about five or ten more the chicago yes so the guy who did that was like one of those guys he was an emo rap guy with like the face tattoos like he probably sent me a death threat during that time probably that's why i was so scared with the dog thing it could only take one weirdo to like see your address and actually want to do something to you that's true that's true yeah and that guy it's like really the the classy well-read murderers are a thing of a past yeah like the ones who like quote shakespeare and like like we were talking about john woke's mood before like you like shouted out something from julius caesar right

yeah now now it's like when someone murders someone they're like they're like it was something from uh i don't fuck it you find your soundcloud yeah yeah limewire something i don't know right my face tattoo i mean this dude was a fucking i mean loser's understatement but my my girlfriend tweeted something about r kelly like hey i'm glad he's in jail and she got a ton of shit like yeah and you're like usually with him you get pissed hey clip it what is uh what is going on here like you can't be mad at the guy who kept women in a dungeon and pissed on him and all that like what are we doing here you really want to be on that side of

it in this twitter fight it's weird yeah it is weird i mean but you know what all it takes is those diehard fans and those people like they have fans man oh yeah would it be nice to have a fan base like that that would like kill for you sure to the death hell yeah yeah but it's dangerous look any mumble rapper if there's one less i'm happy i'm all for it it's a shitty art or whatever you want to call it it's dangerous look any mumble rapper if there's one less i'm happy i'm all for it it's a shitty art or whatever you want to call it it's a bad genre it's got mumble in it it sucks how do you sell a dude that looks like that a gun too like he that look is fucking terrible if i saw a dude like that i'm like you just i was on a bus i went away out of the city for a few days and i was on a bus and there were two dudes that look like that and i was like i'm fucking dead oh you just think you're you just visualize

like they're gonna just kill everyone on the bus yeah it's becoming more mainstream now it's actually gone into basic bitch culture like now you can find like white blonde girls with face tattoos it's becoming a thing i got a message from a fan and she was like i got this face tattoo and i and i wrote back like a joke because i have this like app community where you can text you know you know that one i don't know this well they can text you it's like tech you know when people say in their instagram profile you can text me here yeah it goes to this it's not like my real number obviously that'd be crazy but it's like a thing you can blast it tells you the city they're in so you can blast the city when you come so this woman texts me and

sometimes i respond she goes i got this horrible face tattoo and me and sometimes I respond and she goes, I got this horrible face tattoo and I wrote a joke back and she goes, no, I'm serious and she sends a picture and she goes, it's like a Wiccan tattoo that's been appropriated

by Nazis. I'm like, I mean, yeah, I mean, you lost me at face tattoo. It's already a bad idea but you picked one that's like a Nazi.

I love that. You have a Nazi face tattoo? Well, appropriated by Nazis. That's a funny face tattoo? Well, appropriated by Nazis. That's a funny reason to be mad at Nazis. They stole my idea. Wow. But it's like a picture where you're almost like, I made a joke.

I thought she was kidding. It sounds like something that's a joke. Yeah, but it is getting more normalized, for sure. You see a guy with a face tattoo and it was like a teardrop thing. He was in jail. He killed a guy, whatever. But now it's like a post Malone. There's more job opportunities. That's what it comes down to.

You used to get like a neck tattoo and it's like you can't get a job. Yeah, I remember that old Todd Berry joke. I saw a guy with a neck tattoo the other day and you think, man, you forgot to not do that. Great joke. So simple. Todd Berry.

Yeah, the face tattoo. I mean, it has to be that way. I mean, you have to keep ramping up. But now how do you prove now that you're really a freak? There's like no way to do it. Like you have to be normal in order to be counterculture. It's just to look normal. Tip to be square.

I think you're right. That's punk. Khakis are punk. Yes, dockers. Whoa, easy there. Dude, the. Khakis are punk. Yes. Dockers. Whoa. Easy there. Dude, the stainless dockers, those khakis, those were made for alcoholics. Those were made for drunks.

You literally can spill nothing. Yeah. All pans should be stainless. You know who would be a great spokesperson for that is Monica Lewinsky. I should have been wearing these. I thought you were going to say Burt Kreischer. Oh, well, that's a different stain. But yeah.

So you're working on these shows and you're in a writer's room and this new one, it's Mindy Kaling, right? Yeah. What season is it? Second season. I wasn't on the first season. And it's like younger characters, right? Yeah, they're all in in college um and

they're just uh you know fucking doing a lot of fucking um i have no experience like i could i cannot bring any personal experience to the show because i was still like a recovering muslim in college it's just funny that i'm that's hilarious that's the name of your sitcom though Recovering Muslims that's the show you're an AA you're an NA I'm Muslim Anonymous I'm trying to get over it but I mean it's great

you're getting experience in these rooms now because we need a Dina Hashim sitcom yes we need I've got it I've got so many

ready to go and people are excited in a meeting and then I imagine they get a call from like the royal family in Saudi Arabia. It's like, you can't do this. You can't.

I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. The TV world is tough. The meetings are so funny. They're the worst. We're huge fans. Well, you own a network.

Yes. You can make it happen. Exactly. Well, look, if it was our choice, you're Netflix. It is your choice. Yeah, it's like when Biden tweets, like, oh, this is terrible. It's like, yeah, you can do something about it. Right, right.

I think the Brittany Griner shit, just to me, I'm like, how are you not doing something about that? I know. She's in fucking prison. I think Trump got, like, ASAP Rocky or something. Yeah, but that was, like, Sweden or something. Oh, that's Sweden. Russia's a different animal. I'll give you that.

Yeah. But also, like, dude. Russia's a different animal. I'll give you that. But also, dude, it's like 100 days. I mean, more when this comes out. Hopefully she's out. That breaks you. It was CBD oil. It was like the least harmful. Or hash oil. You don't want to be the person that corrects the guy there. It was actually hash.

I didn't know that. But they're athletes athletes they got joint issues exactly it's helpful it's it's medicinal come on lebron got a ton of shit because he said something like if i that was me i wouldn't even i don't even know if i'd want to come back to america because they're not fighting but then he was saying like no i love america i'm just saying i'm just saying that i would feel hurt that they're not trying to fight to get me back well we need you to tweet about it. Apparently that makes waves.

But yeah, that's one. Come on. That's one call. That's all. Yeah, but Russia probably wants us to trade like a terrorist for him. That's probably the move. They're like, we'll give you this innocent WNBA player, but you've got to give us a guy who slit someone's throat for no reason. Give him a yak off.

Yeah, take Yakov. We'll call it even. That's an old reference that people got. Do any of our listeners know Yakov Smirnov? I don't know. You don't, Peters? Okay, okay. He was big. He was huge. He's still in LA, I think. Oh, yeah. Nice guy. Nice guy.

You met him? I've met him. I met him at the store once. Sweet guy. Funny guy. He's the in-Soviet-Russia guy. Yes. Soviet-Russia I've met him. I met him at the store once. Sweet guy. Funny guy. He's the in Soviet Russia guy. Yes. Soviet Russia. Car drives you. Or whatever. But it was a hit. It was the get her done of his day.

Yes. He's the Russia. He's Larry the. This wine's growing on me. I'm getting into it. I'm sorry you hated it, Dana. It's all right. I mean, in my mind, I like organic stuff, but'm getting into it. I'm sorry you hated it, Dana. It's all right. I mean, in my mind, I like organic stuff, but this is not it.

It's weird. It's vinegary. You know what it tastes like the first time you taste your mom's wine and you're like, oh, that's what this tastes like. Takes me back. Yeah. I like it. What about...

It's got a kick. Yeah. It is tough. What the hell were you thinking what was that orange one you had last time i like to mix it up why do we always have to do orange one i want to i want to fucking experience shit dude you're like should peter's get it or should i get i'm like you get it you'll get the right one and then you come back with old uh dice they reckon they said this was a really good one oh this is this feels like welches Somebody jizzed in a Welch's.

All right, sorry. We got a guest here. I fucked up. No, you're fine. I'm not to be trusted anymore. I get it. It's natural, though. At least it's natural. I'm going to be just always apologizing.

This is my relationship dynamic. I'm sorry. I fucked up. So wait, back to the writer's room. I've only been in two writer's's rooms and it was for award shows. And so that's easy because it's in and out. It shoots once. This is a TV show that has multiple episodes.

But would you prefer stand up or do you like to mix it up or do both? My ideal world is that I have my own show and i can like create the room and have like people like my friends in it that seems like the most fun thing to me just having a room of your friends like coming up with jokes and stuff yeah it's a little harder with people you don't know because you don't know if your sense of humors will like clash or something like that but i got lucky in that room everyone was really funny and cool but were there stand-ups or were they all just pure no stand-ups yeah writers are actually great for improv people it's like the one thing they really should do and like have the skill for because you're just sitting in a room and saying whatever comes to your head right yeah they can

they can keep the ball in the air exactly whereas with stand-up i'm like i want it's my like little dark art i want to be in a room secluded and writing things but that's not how it works exactly and stand-ups are all about the end of the joke we want the punch line and that's it and they're like they can just keep yes anding volley volley and they find more stuff yeah they're team players right stand-ups are selfish as fuck oh we're such selfish people i know really brutal it's true i was talking my therapist today and i was like i'm selfish and i was like hoping he would be like you're not he was like yeah oh my god good And I was like hoping he would be like, you're not. And he was like, yeah. Oh my God. Good therapist.

Are they allowed to be honest with you like that? They should be. I like it. Yeah. The writer's room. You know what seems like a fun writer's room was I watched a documentary on Arrested Development and it's just the funnest.

It was right before that time where like things got a little dicey and you couldn't say this or that. And they said crazy shit on Arrested Development. And the writers room just looked so fun. And they're all droning. That guy Chuck Martin, who's at the cellar sometimes, he was at Arrested Development. Oh, yeah, he's funny.

He was a producer in there, I think. It just seemed like they were friends being funny, and then they made a show around that. That's the dream, right? You see those clips of those like friars club roasts and they're just buddies shitting on each other as opposed to now it's like a hired gun being like hey chevy chase no one likes you that'll happen well they both use the n-word chevy chase and the friars but yeah those roasts did seem fun but who knows they probably walked off stage and hit a hit a lady or who knows yeah those are different times they were they i'm not saying they were

model citizens but i just meant the vibe of like the friendship culture is uh yeah it's true now is the hiccups is it the tequila do you get hiccups when you drink i i mean you know this i have them every day anyway but carbonation definitely triggers it damn hiccups when you drink? I mean, you know this. I have them every day anyway, but carbonation definitely triggers it. Damn. She hiccups every day. She gets the hiccups a lot. Every few hours. How do you kill that?

It's just a disease. I don't know. Oh, is it a disease? I mean, I don't know. I've had them every day since I was like 14, so. Like for about a half hour or so? Well, I get like three, and then it's over. And then a few hours later, I'll get like three more.

It's just some sort of diaphragm thing. I don't know. Wow. That's a wild ailment. The scaring doesn't work, right? No. No, but people try. People try.

I know. I've tried. We've been in the green room like, boo! And she's like, stop. Don't do that. Don't do that. You're like, you're off the show. What?

All right. What? Geez. Is there a name for that i don't know i went to a doctor once when i was young and they were just like get out of here you know this is not important who cares that is true yeah he's got a cancer patient in the other room i have hiccups please every day they're really annoying i get three of them come on respirator is it is it drink okay it's great what was this just tequila it's just tequila soda we're keeping it simple here nice well i thought we had a more impressive bar matt we gotta get some fucking hey if you're listening send us some fucking alcohol to gotham studios so we don't have to pay for it but uh here we need some gin I mean like you

like you never know when you want to have a Negroni I mean there's like basic cocktails we got to have we got uh Tom Papa coming in next week we need vodka and gin for a martini I mean he's a martini drinker you got that right I mean that's that's a good one we just need the you just need to have a full bar if we got the studio you have to get fun mixers like elder flower is really in right now. What is that? I don't know. It's like an herb, isn't it?

Yeah, it's one of those things. Oh, all right. You know what Elderflower is. I've never heard of Elderflower in my life. I'm not against it. It's an older flower. I guess it is. I don't know what it is.

Is that like a really old virgin? I don't know what that is. But yeah, I'm down. But yeah, it'd be nice to have a mini fridge with a bunch of soda water and La Croix. Well, we do have that. We have it right there. We have a mini fridge.

What are you talking about? Well, maybe some like, you know, what do you call it? Bloody Mary mix, some limes in there, you know. Bloody Mary's is big for this because we come in here

feeling like dog shit a lot. And then we have to work. And we have to talk. We're doing our job. How did, so the first writing job, was that like did you submit or was that you were you brought in or the first one was just through rami just because rami yusuf yeah good dude yeah um yeah he has that's the muzzy cartoon that's going to be coming out at

some point um and it's also my first voice acting gig which is something i really just have always wanted to do you have a great voice it's about time you voice acting gig, which is something I really just have always wanted to do. You have a great voice. It's about time. Thank you. You do. Thank you. And someone finally noticed. I mean, some would say it's a game out, but I think it's wonderful. I think it's very nice.

Well, actually, the role I got is not far from that. It's a suicidal lamb. Isn't that me? That's me. That's you. They nailed it. Now, if it has a hiccup problem, we're in. A suicidal lamb.

That sounds like a hell of a punk band. Suicidal lamb. VoiceOver's the dream game. I look at Hank Azaria, I'm like, that's like the dream career. The best. Aside from the documentary made against you by Hari. Yeah. It's a good career.

But he also does like nine voices too yeah like some people like you're just gonna do your voice not saying you're not talented whatever i was watching his show brock meyer it's a really good show i gotta get on that it's really fucking good yeah it's like he's just a great actor and he's a talent i mean birdcage he fucking killed it and he's in all these great 90s movies you forget about like heat gross point blank hank if you're listening i emailed you and you never responded i'm serious you never responded to our email we met once at a dinner it didn't really work out uh i think he's scared of comics after hurry yeah i know well we like this you know what happened i was like

william morris our agency set up a dinner and it was like just a bunch of people and i sat down and i didn't plan and i just sat down next to hank azaria and it was like just a bunch of people and i sat down and i didn't plan and i just sat down next to hank azaria and i'm like holy shit i'm sitting next to hank azaria and then i got up to take you know it was winter i got up to hang up my jacket as i got up someone sniped and took my seat that was a coveted seat i'm on the other end i had no end damn come on hank we need you talk about being a voiceover guy. Like, as comics, we go, oh, you're a comedian. Tell me a joke.

He must be like, come on, give me Moe. Give me Barney. Oh, we would do that. Oh, my God. No, he's not Barney. That's Dan Castellanato. Oh, shit. But he does, like, Moe. Who does Hank Azaria voice in The Simpsons?

Groundskeeper Willie, maybe. Does he really? I think so. Otto? Does he do Otto? He might do Otto, yeah. He's also in Ghost Point Blank, which is one of my favorite 90s comedies. Great movie.

He's in Heat. He's in a lot of great movies. Crazy, he's in Heat. Oh, he does Comic Book Guy. Snake. Dr. Nick. Chief Wiggum. Oh, damn.

These are some classics. And you know, they had another Moe, but apparently the guy guy was a dick and they just got rid of him. Oh, really? Well, they nailed it. Look at Apu's last name. It's hilarious. Oh, he does Lou and Wiggum. Man, Kirk Van Houten, Disco Stew.

Disco Stew. Oh, my God. See, it's impossible to get these jobs because there's like three people who can do anything that you want. Like John DiMaggio, he does like Bender and like every other voice. That guy's amazing. So good. Remember when we did that funeral home in L.A.? And Mel Blanc's tombstone was in there.

What's that place called? Masonic Lodge. Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Yeah. Well, they got that cemetery right there. Mel Blanc. Yeah. His tombstone just says, that's all, folks.

Oh! How fucking cool is that? Oh, that's the best. But that guy did every voice. He was like a sa says, that's all, folks. Oh! How fucking cool is that? Oh, that's the best. But that guy did every voice. He was like a savant, that guy. Yeah. Next level. Yeah.

So you're getting a double paycheck because you're writing and voicing. Yeah. I wrote on the first season, and now I'm voicing. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. And that's on Amazon. It's still being animated and stuff. It takes forever for a cartoon to get made, but I don't know when it'll come out. nice yeah and that's on amazon it didn't it's still being like animated and stuff it takes

forever for a cartoon to get made but i don't know when it'll come out but when it does i'll be the suicidal lamb what's the name of the show i don't think it's been named yet i'm not sure damn interesting well look out you'll you'll hear about it i don't even know if i'm allowed to talk about it i hate to break your uh bubble here but there is a cartoon already called Muzi. Pull it up. It's a French cartoon I had to watch when I was learning French as a kid. Oh, Muzzy. Muzzy.

Oh, my God. I've been saying Muzzy so often as like a nickname for Muslim, and I totally blanked that that's a word. So I'm just saying that can't be the name of the new one, the new cartoon. This wine's growing on me yeah it's getting there you know what's good this natty wine gives you no hangover that's true i was drinking it there it is look at that i remember the commercials oh yeah that was big in my school dude what was the show that uh there was a show they they used to show my school it was ben affleck was a voyage of the mimi remember that shit no i think it's meme my dad still says mimi have you seen this mimi about elon musk yeah it's

ben affleck on that shit what look at that he's blonde wow too cute kevin spacey's getting hard somewhere he looks like the kid in big daddy it's fucking crazy oh yeah same haircut oh philip seymour hall yeah he's classic in it gwyneth paltrow who plays the british guy who's really great in it oh like the older guy yeah i don't know jude law's dad you mean yeah i don't know but great movie oh and ph and Philip Seymour Hoffman, my favorite actor of all time. Kate Blanchett. I forgot she's in this shit. Holy crap.

Oh, Baker Hall. Baker Hall, who just passed away. RIP to a legend. Wow. James Rebhorn, that's who the dad. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who also passed away recently, who's an amazing character actor and is in every movie you've ever seen.

Blanchett. PSH has such a small role and somehow steals the whole movie. He's such a creep in it I love it Boogie Nights he did the same thing he always did that he was incredible he's great in Magnolia too

but I saw him on 2nd Avenue once and it wasn't a pretty sight he was barreling down 2nd Avenue and everybody was jumping out of his way and he clearly had something going on Cate Blanchetta somehow got in hotter I don't know how it happened that last movie she was in Nightmare Alley his way and he he clearly had something something going on cape lanchetta somehow gotten hotter i don't know so hot that last movie she's in nightmare alley not a great movie but she is

so hot that's interesting i mean the word i would classify her as beautiful look at that i mean no she's hot really okay go to the one in the red with the hair uh up yeah that one look at those cheekbones baby come on sit right on my face. I love that. I love loving an older woman. That's so nice. I love older women. You know who else is getting hotter? And this is a weird one.

It's Tilda Swinton. Love her. Similar vibe. Similar vibe. Kind of strange looking, but it works. Tilda's very androgynous. I love androgyny. It's my favorite.

Yeah, look at that. She was hot in Trainwreck. That was not an androgynous role though she's very very feminine in that role I love Laura Dern in a marriage story is that what it's called? I haven't seen that

great movie the acting it's so passionate that's like modern day Kramer vs. Kramer I don't like the guy what's his act? I don't get it with him really it's a great movie oh yeah no i'm back yeah that's a that's a great movie yeah great movie i mean talk about just like raw passion acting it's all script it's all shockingly good

like like i didn't expect i mean i i'm with norman i think it's like, it delivers a blow, especially as someone who's only dated people who want to live in California. It delivered a real fucking gut punch to me. Right. Yeah, I mean, R.I.P. Ray Liotta, who's great in it. Oh, yes. Laura Dern is great in it.

I mean, it's a really solid movie. If you ever had a bad breakup, this is going to hit a nerve. Okay. Yeah, she's. Who else? Hold on, I had another thing. Oh wait, you don't like Adam Driver. He's the one I never got. I don't get it with him. I don't get it either. He's a great actor. Look at that face.

That's the face of the devil. People think he's attractive. Who gives a fuck? Dustin Hoffman was a leading man. He's cute. Hoffman's cute. A young Hoff. Like, Driver is app appalling i think talent should trump everything and i think he's talented is he that i've to be honest i've only seen him in star wars so oh come on yeah he looks fucking good here what do we talk what do we talk facially

and he's a marine by the way he was a marine right yeah he's a badass and he's i think he's a really good actor. Great actor. No one denying the acting. I'm a fan. Ah, I'm drinking here. Come on. What are we doing? Jesus Christ.

I'm joking, driver. I think he's great. I heard Patterson's great, too. I've never seen it. I heard it's good, too. I don't know Patterson. I like that it's about Jersey. I feel like that would be your type of movie. It's like a brooding poet type thing, you know?

Yeah, and it's Jersey, right? Patterson, New Jersey? Ah, interesting. Whenever I drive Jersey, right? Patterson, New Jersey? Oh, interesting. Whenever I drive through there, I always think, somebody should make a movie about this town. I did the Patrice O'Neill benefit, and he was in the audience. Really? Yeah, that was fun.

I did that once. I did a really crazy one. What does that mean? Oh, the lineup was just stacked. Oh, yeah, yeah. But it was a great time, man. That's a great theater great town hall yeah amazing yeah pretty epic yeah he was there and uh he came backstage and bill burr

was talking to him oh and by the way he's like six four or something and bill burr's like hey he's like what are you doing here he's like i'm i'm doing a movie about a performer and i want to watch that's a little that's, that would make me uncomfortable. An actor being like, I'm studying your movements. You're like, ugh, just fucking laugh or don't. I'm scared. I don't know why, yeah, I mean, I think it's cool when actors aren't, like, typical looking. I like when, like, we're talking about Tilda Swinton.

Why can't we have this guy, you know? I'm not saying we can't have him. I'm just saying every girl I talk to is like, oh, Adam Driver, he's the sexiest man alive or whatever. I'm like, all right. I've seen the face. But I think the face for a lady isn't as important. Who's like an actor that you're like, that dude's hot?

I hesitate to say just because I'm such a loyal girlfriend and I know he's going to watch this. These are celebrities, though. I know. I'm just, that's how good of a person I am. Wow, you're a good fucking girlfriend and I know he's going to watch this. These are celebrities, though. I know. I'm just, that's how good of a person I am. Wow, you're a good fucking person. I know, right? Damn.

You won't even give a, yeah, I respect that. How about like from like the 40s or 50s? That way it's not, they're dead. They're dead. Let's go dead men. All right. I mean. 60s.

You like a honky. You're not too into the. No, I've dated every couple of people. Oh, okay, okay. I don't care at all. There's no pattern between everyone I've been with. They all look different. I mean, he's gay, but like Rock Hudson is obviously...

Really? What do you mean? Everybody loved Rock Hudson. I've just never heard that. I like it. He's got AIDS. That was the catch. You get to bang Rock Hudson, but you do get AIDS.

I never knew he was a hot guy. He's a handsome guy. Yeah, I guess you're right. Look at that jaw. Look, he's got the manly chin, too. I'm actually rarely attracted to men. I think it's really unfair that women, on the whole, are so much more attractive than men. Oh, we want that one, yeah.

I mean, look, we're drinking. We'll go with you all day on this one. I'll say this right now. I would much rather fuck a woman than a man. Yeah. I don't care, we're drinking. We'll go with you all day on this one. I'll say this right now. I would much rather fuck a woman than a man. I don't care who I piss off. I think I'm with you. I mean, every day on the train, there's like 20 beautiful women. You can just turn your head and see one.

But men, it's like never. My body's disgusting. I look terrible shirtless. Yeah, I don't know. I look terrible shirtless. Yeah, I don't know. Like, the fact that women can be turned on by, like, talent and charm and personality is, that's our only saving grace. Thank God. Thank God.

But you don't care about that in women. You don't care. We care. We care. But it doesn't. It definitely elevates them, for sure. Definitely elevates. If a woman is self-aware, smart, funny, personality when you're young doesn't matter.

You're just turned on. But when you get older, yeah, i very much value a great personality it's huge especially if you want to like talk about dating and you know becoming uh more of a thing you definitely need all that i go on some bad first dates i do i get a lot of like you can use this in your act i'm like let me use this instead blow my fucking head off a little uh kirk cobain no it's i mean look there's women look the other way on looks for sure men we do look the other way on personality a lot because we value looks but what i mean is like you're less likely to go for a woman who's like average looking but who has like felt like very accomplished and talented like you need the attraction whereas you need it yeah well i think men are much more shallow

and we're yeah we're just wired that way it's kind of like biology hey reproduce good offspring whatever and then the other stuff will come later but also how are you supposed to know the personality immediately you can see a woman walk by and go holy shit she's gorgeous but it's not like you can go she's funny or smart or whatever because you gotta have a conversation i just think a lot of men are just we're just shallow i think we're just often looking for like there's gonna sound crass where we can dump our next load whoa wait oh Wait. Oh, jeez. Well, that's inappropriate. I walked Mark. No, but I do think. What?

I said, are you writing for Hallmark these days? Happy Valentine's. No, I think when you're in a relationship, like, look, I very much value a relationship when I'm in it, but I think a lot of guys, does that sound terrible? I think a lot of guys are very much of course and looking we're how we are yeah i do think that like i it's a fact if you meet someone great of course like monogamy one woman i'm all in but when you're not when you're seeking them out i do think there is like a think about how much more men masturbate than women.

Yeah. Is that wrong? I don't know. That's probably true. I'm not the right person to ask. Oh, really? Her mom's listening too. My gal, Matt, here's what's weird.

For a guy, it's like an oil change. You knock it out, you're done, whatever. My gal will rub one out for like two hours. Really? Yeah, but rarely. Maybe like once a week or twice a week but it's how long an adam driver movie is yeah exactly so uh that's the difference i'm done in 30 seconds 40 seconds you know one uh you know once a arp commercial and i'm done you know but she's got a Chico she watches three modern families so you know and she loves that O'Neill this show chill tell

me I'm like hey where I called you earlier that she's the guy I was rubbing one out yeah well we're very open damn yeah I just I'm not I think once you're in you're in but I do think there is like a lot of guys on apps are just looking for sex. Of course. And I think a lot of women on there are like long-term only. No hookups. Yeah. And that's why they have to put that out there because they know that guys are shit.

Sure. I think that's changing, though. I think there's a lot of women who also just want to hook up. But it's like, I don't know, maybe weirder to say that out loud. I don't know. Yeah, it shouldn say that out loud i don't know yeah it shouldn't be i feel like we've you know we say well society this and that it's like well let's change it you know like i think guys try so little already to begin with the effort is so minimal on these dates that like if a woman said that they'd put in zero effort no woman wants a guy to be like

come over that's a good point you know that's what it is but don't you ever just want i mean i know you're in a super hardcore relationship here you can't even talk about a celebrity you're attracted to but tony danza and taxi that's what he was cute it was cute but i forgot my point you said tony danza. She's in a hardcore relationship. Wanting to hook up, just to hook up? Yeah, yeah. Don't you ever just have that when you're single? When I was 25, when I turned 25, that was the point when I was able to have a one night stand.

Before that, I couldn't imagine having sex with a comedian who was only able to accept a blowjob before coming and then handed me a Clorox wipe and said, I have to go to sleep now. Wow. A Clorox wipe? Bill Cosby, everybody. Wow. Jesus Christ. Who is this guy?

I won't let him know. A Clorox wipe? He was just like a goofball. He didn't know what he was doing. Man, you're so cool. I'm going to try that. How cool is Dina that she's like, he's a character instead of just a fucking egregious scumbag? I got a fuck in the ass.

I'm a goofball. He was a really nice guy. He warned me that he was out of practice with women. I was like, that's fine. I'm horny. Let's just go. And he wasn't lying. I'm out of practice with women.

You call me like, Lunch lunchables what do we do i don't i don't know what we do here you know you walk on a plane and they hand you that wipe that's what dina does when this guy would come over here you go all right it's right when you walk in that's amazing i mean look the single stuff is it is interesting it is wild out there i do i don't envy women like now what they have to put up with and what they have to deal with on first dates and i think the apps kind of hurt you guys in the uh negotiation department because before it was just like i got to take this girl out i gotta buy her drinks just to like maybe get a shot at grabbing a boob and now i feel like it's tinder Tinder has just ramped all that up

and the woman has no bargaining chip anymore, really. But you tell me. You're the gash. That's my stage name. But, you know, I feel like that women had a lot more power before because it was like, hey, you know, you want to hook up with me. Well, I mean, there's debates about this, yeah, like birth control would, like, change the game.

Right. Like, now you don't have to find a partner that's, like, willing to provide and all this. And I don't know. I think we're all monsters, to be honest. I agree with that. I agree. Like, I've had some monsters to be honest i agree with that i agree like i've had some experiences recently to make me agree with that for sure oh yeah where i'm just

like wow people are fucking lunatics yeah on both sides and then alcohol fuels the lunaticness i do feel like i'm the guy that women are like i'll fuck him just to show my ex and i'm just like i didn't need this i was i was that guy too and i was like i'll be that guy and it still bugged me it bugged me because then occasionally get the woman who's just like you're like is everything cool and they're like and you're like you miss him she's like yeah i'm like yeah we don't have to have sex oh yeah shit yeah i had a guy text me once he's like this is when i first started doing comedy like 2006 he's like did you fuck my uh whatever and i was like oh i didn't know she was your ex and he's like you piece of shit i ought to come fight you and i'm like well first of all you're done you guys

are exes like you're allowed to fuck someone's ex and then he's like well she only did it to get back at me and i was like yeah whatever asshole and then it's just stuck with me and then i texted her when i was drunk and i like, I thought you liked me and all this. And she was like, grow up, you pussy. And I was like, oh, jeez. But I was also like 21.

This chick sounds hot. She was so hot. Grow up, you pussy. And I'm glad I got to have sex with her. I was very lucky because she was way out of my league, but I didn't think that would bother me, and it did.

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Oh, yeah. So, I. Wet wipes. I don't want outside clothes to be inside. Like if I make my boyfriend change his clothes if he wants to get into my bed, if he was wearing clothes that were worn outside. I think that's normal, though. No. I rebelled against this for a period i've understood that women feel this way i i hear this i mean the

jeans that were on the subway in the bed usually i understand that yeah interesting i never thought about it makes sense it does i mean i i definitely rebelled and i remember i dated a woman who i mocked for this and then in retrospect i was I was kind of like, yeah, you're right. Yeah. What about shoes off? Shoes have to be off. I was dating a guy and we were in the middle of an argument. And then we went back to my room while we were still arguing.

And he was about to step in with his shoes on. I was like, what are you doing? Take your shoes off. And he was so pissed because of the argument that he stepped in and started stomping on the floor. And like, I wanted to be angry, but the comedian in me was like,

that's really funny. And like, I just started laughing. That is the thing. Like, if you land a great joke, heated argument, it's a great bomb diffuser.

Yeah. It is. It kills the tension. Wow, man. I didn't know you were this much of a neat freak. I'm not really. No, no, no. I'm really not. were this much of a neat freak. I'm not really. No, no, no.

I'm really not. This is the one thing that I'm like obsessive about cleaning with. Right. Interesting. It is the bed. I understand like if someone holds their bed like sacred, where you're like, don't fuck with the place I sleep. I get that.

Yeah. I get it more and more. Did you have the friend growing up who was like, I have to change into my sleep clothes. I was like, sleep clothes? I just go with a boxer and the shirt. Yeah, I was always more and more. Did you have the friend growing up who was like, I have to change into my sleep clothes? I was like, sleep clothes? I just go with a boxer and the shirt. Yeah, I was always an underwear guy. Yeah.

I have sleep clothes. Interesting. What are sleep clothes? Just like a huge t-shirt. Yeah, that's fine. I feel like that's the PJs. Any PJ friends? That's fucking weird.

No, I don't have like designated like matching PJ set. My gal's got it. She's got the full button with the pocket. I'm what are you wearing like a little tux she had mad men what the hell i know right smoking jacket the pipe the like snoopy hat she married to pete campbell but it's very strange but it's i think it's just how you get brought up peeve oh here's a peeve for you what's going on with this one the hard to find garbage can i'm at a friend's house i got a banana peel in my hand and a beer can in the other one and i'm like opening drawers turns out it was like one of those slide out garbage cans but it was like this slim drawer that's under the sink i would have never i i

couldn't find it just put the garbage can out yeah i don't like the weird drawer garbage can they pissed me off like you gotta press a button it rolls right right so i'm just holding garbage for 12 minutes like looking around and everything what are you where you at on the garbage can i'm trying to think of where my garbage can is it's out in the. It's next to the dog food. All right. Do you have a dog? I have half a dog.

It's my roommate's dog. Oh, boy. He's my best friend and we went to adopt the dog together so I consider the dog half mine. Right.

Yeah, he's the best. I grew up Muslim and we're not allowed to have dogs. Why, right? Yeah. Why not? It's an abusive religion.

I don't know. They don't let you have a dog? Yeah, pork is considered filthy and then dogs too. It's not clear to me why. It's just an arbitrary thing. I don't agree with it, but I understand why the pork is a no-go.

But why? I don't get the dog. I think it's just... You picked the one thing that you guys also do. Why eat pork? I know, I'm just kidding. But the dog thing, I don't understand. Well, it's sad because, look, this is a big generalization about Muslims,

but I feel like dogs, cleavage, and bacon would really lighten the mood. I didn't even know about the dog thing. Dogs, like, relieve stress. Can we get Mark a meeting with Mohammed? I think Mark could really change the vibe. Mohammed, love what you're doing. If we could just loosen up on the women, the pork.

Shave the beard. Maybe that beard's ridiculous. It's really hot out. It's a lot of sand. Come on.'s ridiculous. It's really hot out. Yes. It's really hot. It's a lot of sand. Come on. I don't know why. But yeah.

So it's life changing. It's life changing. Do you think maybe you and your guy move full time together? Do you think you get a dog? I can never live without a dog anymore. It's so pacifying to just look at him and say, oh yeah, the simple pleasures of life are just like eating going on a walk like licking your asshole whatever right it's just like simple pleasure we're getting it licked yeah shangri-la has this great joke about how down syndrome kids are like dog because

they're always happy they mean well they're in great it's i'm not gonna do his bit because it i don't know if it's out there yet but it's so true the dog it's nothing but positive it's rarely you know sure they'll shit somewhere every now and then or puke on the carpet but it's all an upper it's just one big valium they're love machines which is what humans are supposed to be but we get all screwed up screwed up thanks twitter it really does fuck you up yeah you look at i'm in a bad mood i'm like why did i'm like oh i looked at twitter too i stopped you have to stop looking at it and it'll change your life the algorithm will punish you and you'll never be able to get a tweet again that has a lot of likes but it's worth your mental it's worth it trump is happier than any of us

well he's on a new one now i think yeah there's like eight eight twitter copies what do you call those let's do so like can we do a couple news stories matt do we have anything justin timberlake went viral for the wrong reasons now he's saying sorry the singer was caught performing an awkward dance routine during a performance in washington dc and he had a hilarious reply dc i want to apologize to you for two reasons here and here he said on instagram stories zooming to a close-up of his feet i had a hilarious reply dc i want to apologize to you for two reasons here and here he said on instagram stories zooming to a close-up of his feet i had a long talk with both of them individually and said don't you ever do that to me again why don't you do the same thing to his

dick on instagram stories well we gotta i don't get the dancing i don't understand what did he do he just danced that's why Isn't that his job? There he is. He's bringing sexy back. Oh, he did a crip walk. Is that appropriation or some shit? It's a bad dance. He has to apologize for his job, isn't it?

Oh, man. This is getting out of control. What are we doing? I don't know. Lizzo apologized for saying spaz. Really? You can't say spaz? No, and it was in a rap song.

It's like they talk about murdering people. I don't think dancing's that bad, honestly. I'm a terrible dancer, but I mean, I don't fucking know. Oh, I would kill to be able to do this. I'd cut a woman's hands off to be able to dance like that. But what do you think? Good looking guy? Uh, no. Really? Interesting. Jessicaessica beale oh i think she's

unbelievable she's great unreal box office poison though is she she can't make a good movie to save her life that show she was in as a hit though people like that show's a hit all right well good to have her back but i'm talking movies movies are dead anyway yeah nobody saw top gun well top gun and thor and then what else unless it's like a fucking summer blockbuster no one's going to the theater man i know it's sad because i'm sure you had a great time at the beacon with with full room full room laugh from a movie i was in between phil hanley and dan soda we're watching joe list movie and i'm like this is special man it's our buddy you know it's a special night but uh yeah who gives a fuck about

this shit i mean come on yeah what else beyond disturbing anti-assault billboard sparks controversy after resurfacing this is in i've never heard of inverness florida but it's in florida uh getting drunk is never an excuse. She's your daughter, not your date. We're calling incest out. What? Refugehouse.com. I mean, first off, what the fuck?

What the fuck? We need a billboard to tell you that incest is bad? I don't need alcohol to molest my daughter. Thank you very much. This is Florida. She's hot sober. This reminds me of the end of Chinatown where the dad is explaining like how he could have raped his daughter and he was just like at the right time in your life you could do anything gloss right past it right john houston

legend best picture incredible melanski one of the one of the best movies of all time. This is wild. Who paid? Somebody paid for this. The anti-incest. I'm telling you, mark my words, 50 years, incest will be accepted. You think so? Because it's love. We'll be in our 80s and we're just like, I don't get these kids. Yeah, I'm telling you. I don't get them.

You wait and see. In 50 years, we'll reconnect and we'll all be fucking our cousins jeez i mean what the fuck is wrong with people yeah well we got too much time on our hands and everybody's got a voice that's gonna make you feel bad about where you live if you're driving by and you see that billboard they don't have that shit in manhattan oh we haven't needed it yet florida baby we have the options yeah you're on some of these fucking everness uh tinders you you run out real quick you're like i guess i'm going to my family right yeah but her personality was great damn what else we got 6 000 bees removed from inside a wall of om couple's home. About 6,000 bees were recently removed.

That's the same thing twice. 100-year-old home Thomas and Mary Lou Gautier told the Omaha World Herald they have been planting bee-friendly flowers inside or outside their midtown home, but they never expected the bees to move in. That's insane. This is good, though, because aren't we, like, low on bees? This is great. The bees, they keep the world going around.

They're putting bee-friendly flowers. It's like if you decorated your home for Halloween and then got annoyed when kids showed up. Right. Right, good point. You set this shit up. You put candy outside and a plastic pumpkin. It's, you know, look, I'm in New York. If I lived on a ground floor, I would not put candy outside and a plastic pumpkin it's you know look i'm in new york if i lived on

a ground floor i would not put cheese outside yeah you know like you gotta be aware of what is out there good point i've never been i'm going there in a couple months or a month or so hey well you might get some honey because uh this is there's got to be some good to this there's got to be a good spin they get honey in the apartment? No, you just get dead fucking bees. Are they dead? Oh, they're dead. They're just like gross dead bees.

Oh, I'm picturing buzzing, healthy bees. Oh, that's fucking gross. I'm drunk. Dina's fucking sauce. I'm still thinking about the incest thing. Can we go back to that? Let's go back to the incest. Yeah, what do you think, Dina?

I thought of a bit. Oh, here we go. I was going to that? Let's go back to the incest. Yeah, what do you think, Deanna? I thought of a bit. Oh, here we go. I was going to say, it's really hard to find someone you relate to. Oh, that's... Write that down. There we go. Write it down.

Good drunk brain. You know what else you can... That's a writer. That's a writer right there, folks. Matt, clip it. Hire her. We got a whole incest chunk you can clip up for this one but this

is what it's like in the writer's room they move past something and i'm like i need more time and then i'm like can we go back to like an hour ago when we were talking about that other thing i have a good joke now everything agafagan's bit when you see a movie too late he's like i want to talk about heat now yeah you guys need this wine is going down like fucking sugar right now, dude. I'm sorry. Booger sugar. But I will say, a good joke's a good joke. It shouldn't matter if it took you an extra hour.

But also, another perk of incest, you've already met the parents. There we go. Now we got a joke. UK tribunal rules calling a bald man a sexual... So let me do that again. I've been drinking too. UK Tribunal rules calling a man bald a sexual harassment. The tribunal whose members alluded to their own experience with hair loss

also compared calling a man bald to commenting on the size of a woman's breasts. Interesting. This is absurd. Interesting. Calling a man bald to commenting on the size of a woman's breasts. Interesting. This is absurd. Interesting. Calling a man bald is never sexual. You're calling a woman's breasts out. That's sexual. What if you're attracted to bald men?

Okay, fine. If you're saying, fuck me, you bald motherfucker. In that case, it is sexual. But I think for the most part, breast versus bald is not an equal level here. They used the wrong term. it's body shaming if anything not ah yes good call body shaming exactly yeah sexual harassment exactly no one unless you have a bald fetish which is different yeah wow well we pick and choose with the body shaming you know we go hey chris christie's a fat fuck huh and then we all go yeah but then if you go hey, Chris Christie's a fat fuck, huh? And then we all go, yeah. But then we go, Lena Dunham's a fat fuck, huh?

People go, hey, hey. And you're like, well, which one is it? This is a bit I'm trying to work on. Oh, really? Body shaming. I remember in my first body shaming incident, I went to the dentist and he said, I have a clinically small mouth. But it sounds pornographic, right? It sounds like he's hitting on you.

What is he measuring my mouth for? Like, too small for what? Right. You know, it would look big next to that mouth. Yada, yada, yada. He said he wanted to install a widening tool. Oh, that's filthy. It sounds like clinical dirty talk.

Yeah, it does. What widening tool? Like, the thing that, like, pushes it out? Yeah, it's like a retainer, sort of, but, like, talk. Yeah, it does. What widening tool? Like the thing that pushes it out? Yeah, it's like a retainer sort of, but permanent. Do you have a small mouth? I do. Really? Trust me.

Joe List has a tight two mouth. She has a slow eater. Oh, okay. I'm a slow eater. No, no, I'm not a slow eater. You're a slow eater. Okay. I mean, I'm a fast eater.

All right. I'm fast as hell, right? It's like a married couple over here. Yeah, you're fast. I'm a fast eater. Anyway. I think your as hell, right? That's like a married couple over here. Yeah, you're fast. I'm a fast eater. Anyway. I think your mouth looks perfectly normal. Thank you.

Could use a widening tool. Yeah. Joe List has a type 2 mouth. His doctor said the same thing. He's a small mouth? Yeah. Really? He said your mouth is like abnormally small and we can't get certain tools in there.

Damn. Yeah. All right. He it was a dentist but either way it's called a type 2 mouth teacher turned only fan star pregnant by student is keeping the baby zoom in on what the caption says what does the caption say teacher turned only fan star oh yeah she's an attractive teacher. If this is out of Florida, I'll finish that bottle of wine. Really? No. That's actually a horrible bet. I'm taking you up on that. Yeah, that's not a good.

I don't know. You didn't do yourself any favors. I did it backwards. If this is not in Florida. I might have it on my phone. I'll eat my hat. Send me this. I can read it.

A lot of teachers fucking their students nowadays. A lot of female teachers well that's the ones they report on the hot ones is that what it is i think so yeah all right this lady's a kook and uh by the way kids they don't know how good they got it because we all had a hot teacher growing up and back then you could pay 4.99 and see her naked your teacher i mean come on crazy oh that happened in my school there you go lady yeah she was history teacher she had implants and then uh she got fired for hooking up with a student wow fascinating i guess i don't know oh here we go yeah here it is anonymous she wrote it's crazy

that i'm having a baby with a former student, but the same thing could happen in any profession. That's not true, by the way. Teachers and professors. Right. You can't have a baby with a student in any profession. In her defense, it's a former student, and he was 22. So that kind of makes it okay. Yeah, that's actually, they didn't sleep with him until he was 22?

That's the story? She met when he was 16. He was 22? That's the story? She met when he was 16, but they... Well, how about President Macron from France? He's married to this T-shirt. How is that any different? Hmm. 33-year-old. It's crazy.

I'm having a baby with a French dude. She seems very urbane. Is that why it's different? I mean, what's the difference here? I mean, she seems, I guess, more maybe but he's in so it was totally legal he was an adult when they had sex i think so oh but the problem is that they met when he was 16 so she's in trouble i mean and she's an only fan so it's it's a good headline this shit would never happen in france that's all i'm saying he's married his teacher. She's like 30 years older than him. Oh, wow. Yeah. Is that right?

25 maybe? Do you remember when it was normal to count down to when the Olsen twins would be legal? We were just talking about that last week. That was a sign in New Orleans. Counting down. Two months to go. That was a big joke.

I guess technically they're keeping it legal. But yeah yeah i mean it's gross but it's also like at the same time it's strange it's a strange move but that was like people were high five and look at that they're taking photos with it it was like a big deal it is also weird that the ultimate fantasy i mean i know it's taboo but it's like isn't that the ultimate like porn search like my hot teacher of course i mean that's like we all fantasized about it like it's a rock song any guy who claims he didn't jack off to a teacher of his is full of shit oh yeah we all did it yeah i had a gym teacher who was he was a hot guy. Jerked off to him. But we all did it. Oh, yeah.

Of course. I mean, it's an adult woman in the room who knows your name. Yeah. You have to do it. It's like your friend's mom. We all jerked off to a friend's mom. Yeah. Or dad.

There you go. There was a dad that you found attractive? No. Never? No. Was it the religion that? Yeah. Well, first of all, I didn't know how to masturbate until I was? No. Never? No. Was it the religion that? Yeah. Well, first of all, I didn't know how to masturbate until I was like 22.

Really? So that would not have been. Damn. Weird. I cracked that code very early. I was like, I got this. I got this down. Oh, totally.

Yeah. An expert by, you know, 12, 11, 13. That's nice. And then you'd ask friends, like, you ever do that? And they're like oh my god now now we're off and running the first time i had a wet dream i thought it was like i was i thought someone played a prank on me i was like maple syrup what the fuck wow that's some dark jizz you got there yeah it was just the texture oh i see i see yeah i thought i wet the bed yeah

for sure but there was never dads that you were like, that dad is attractive? You didn't even feel that side of you? Well, I mean, there were people I was attracted to. Like I had a, there was a,

my homeroom teacher, everyone had a crush on him and he was great. One time we went to the mall and saw him with his girlfriend and we were like, ah, as though we could have ended up with him.

Did he have a hot girlfriend? Yes, for sure. Yeah. So yeah, no, of course I had those feelings but like I didn't know what to physically do with them. Sure. Confusing. Interesting.

I also never had a door for a long time. Oh. Like, so we had an apartment that only had one bedroom, so my brother got to take it. And so I had, like, a sectioned off part of the living room that was my room so i never could have like done anything like that got it so maybe in the bathroom um i guess i guess i didn't it still just wasn't a thing on my mind yeah yeah you were oppressed and yeah it was the religious element for sure yeah, my gal said she didn't see her vagina until she was like 21. Why? I mean, they're hard to see.

Yeah. They're, you know, downward facing dog there. She didn't want to. Like, what are you going to do? Step on a mirror, I guess? You got to go out of your way to see your clan. For sure. You know?

Mark's self-help book. You got to go out of your way to see your clan it's available at barnes and noble today i mean it wasn't until i pulled out the old super eight that uh you know she saw that thing but yeah i mean i think a lot of ladies and look i'm speaking out of school here but i think that this is this is a weird area you know even like tampons she was like that was the first time i've i'd done stuff with it yes another thing in islam you're not supposed to use tampons whoa wow nothing's gonna go in there except for the dick of the guy you're married to what about it so what do you go maxi yes it was

pads damn wings or no wings i've seen one maxi pad commercial that's crazy yeah and does your mom abide by all this i haven't asked her yeah it's tough to ask bring her in jerry jerry jerry bitch you don't know me all right that's tough yeah that's i mean that sounds damn being a muslim woman does not sound easy. That's why I'm here. Fight the good fight. Get the message out. Yeah.

We got to make this cartoon. Yeah. Muslim lady. The first episode, tampon. Damn, Deena. Wait, is that all the news? Okay. Is that it?

All right. Cool. All right. Well, hey, you got any dates you want to plug? Is that it? All right, cool. All right, well, hey, you got any dates you want to plug? I'll be in Wisconsin from August 17th through the 20th. It's just random places in Wisconsin.

You can DM me if anyone's over there and wants to know. Yeah, hit the website. Oh, yeah, go to your tickets on the site. Oh, no. Oh, my God, I haven't updated this. This is a nightmare. I have not updated this. Look at that tiny mouth. What the updated this this is a nightmare i have not updated this look at that tiny mouth what the fuck that's a small mouth yeah there's nothing on that website uh make sure to follow dina on all social media platforms dina hasham uh twitter instagram yes

great writer great jokes good stuff thank you funny comic and uh where are you gonna be there sloppy jalopy should we do bits before we go oh geez sorry i'll plug some days i mean i got a lot coming up but let's should we do bits first hell yeah any bits let me see if i have anything worthwhile i mean i i got i got a few minutes hold on i got a mind on my phone here all right what do you got one uh there d me yeah yeah i have a line that i just tried and it bombed so horribly that i'm not sure i can't wait to hear it i'm just trying to build on my abortion chunk and i have this line where it's like you you really feel old when you tell a doctor that you're pregnant and they assume that you want to keep it. Is that something?

I don't know. That's funny. Yeah. I think it's the crowd might not have. It's I think it needs more of a connection, like a clear leap. I feel like they're like, what do you mean? If you say it's bombing, I don't know. they're like what do you mean if you say it's bombing i don't know yeah if you have if you tell the doctor i'm pregnant and they assume you want to keep it yeah you're basically being like no i

don't i don't want this it's like it's a it's like a thing like i'm just a little girl i can't be out i mean look at me right yeah i can't this little mouth i can't even feed myself it's like the opposite of you know how women will get carded and be like oh i'm so complimented it's the opposite of that like oh shit yeah i'm pregnant now i gotta keep it that is that is like almost like a new york thing i feel like too like any other part of the country they're like yeah i'm keeping right it's like a coastal elite thing where we're like yeah we're not we're not i still got a lot of me to take care of yeah i still have dreams yeah i still have dreams you're saying you don't want to keep it i went

to the doctor to be like we got to get rid of this i thought it was implied sorry okay i fucked up maybe it needs more context i get it now i get it that's why i think i'm just a little girl it's funny yes i had a similar not it's the joke's not similar but it's a joke i couldn't really crack in my last hour now i'm kind of tweaking it for the next set but it was about like i slept with someone who was very different from me we obviously couldn't have a kid together but you know i made the mistake and you know plan b we took care of it but then she texted me like we should hang out again. She texted me two and a half weeks later, got my period.

I write back, love it. You know, I was excited. Yeah. She said we should do it again. I said, well, I can't just get you a plan B every time we hook up. That's, you know, she's very different from me. Very different beliefs. And she said, well, yeah, well, I mean, we can't do that. And I said, well, if we got to that point,

I've never paid for this, but we would have to get an abortion, obviously. And she goes, I would never do that. I was like, wow, you ever think you're for a woman's right to choose? And then it turns out you're pro-abortion. Like, I thought I was a feminist. It turns out I'm a monster.

Right, right. So I think my angle is like, I'm pro my life. Yeah. That's what I am. That's a good line it hits sometimes sometimes it's like yeah it's such a touchy sub yeah it's not because of the joke it's just because people freeze up yeah i feel like structurally it works but it's one of those where i'm like oh we don't like you right now it's like one of those that you have to earn

it and i think i have to preface where i'm like i'm not saying you should get abortions willy-nilly i'm saying this is for like special occasions right yeah yeah yeah and maybe maybe the end of the bit could be something like she had a miscarriage and we were both satisfied you know because no one had to get an abortion but you still have the baby i don't know it's like a nice uh middle ground that everybody wins. I mean, I guess she doesn't win, but you don't have the kid after all. I made a miscarriage. Everybody wins. Except the kid. What do you got, Mark?

But I'm saying it's not, you didn't get an abortion, but you also don't have a kid. So it's kind of a nice compromise. There's something to what you were saying. You made me think of an abortion joke. So what we're doing, Mark, are you going to keep the abortion trend rolling? I had a dumb idea. This won't work, but I'll throw it out there just to stay on target here on topic. But I looked into adoption because, you know, you hear all these kids out there with nothing going on.

Nobody wants to help them. It's a shame, though. We buy everything online now. Everything's all over the place. You can read all these reviews, but you can't review a kid kid wouldn't that be nice if you could have a review on this kid but then i realized nobody would buy the or nobody would adopt the the fucked up one like i hung out with a little twitchy one star you know i don't know if there's anything there but it's definitely bombing i do like that idea i mean i just want it to be real so i don't i don't know well you know you can buy a fucking mug and there's 18 reviews

like ah the mug it's it's too heavy it doesn't work whatever but kids the biggest adoption of your life you can't this is an 18 year commitment. Can you tell me if he's going to bite me for no reason? Exactly. There's no return policy there. No return. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's something. So, yeah. That's the idea.

No reviews on an adoption game. Here's the twist. We need Amazon to get into the adoption game. There we go. That might be the bridge it needs. That might be the thing. I like that. Amazon got on board.

My God. Shit on Amazon all you want. They would get tight on the adoption game. Yes, they would. Overnight delivery. How come this kid's so good looking? I got Prime. I got a kid and a subscription to watch Bosch.

Pretty cool. You love Bosch. It's a good show. It is good. It's a dad show. Sorry, I feel like I didn't get your bit, now I get it and I fucked it up. Did we all just do Kid Bits?

I love it. There's like a theme here. Kid Bits is the name of the Epstein doc. I think we got about nine Epstein jokes in this episode I'm all over, I'm gonna be on the road where I'm gonna be yeah, fucking

San Jose LA, Pittsburgh Dania Beach, Louisville, Irvine Omaha, Phoenix, Lexington, New Brunswick OKC, all over this shit so Springfield,field see on the road hell yeah same here uh comedy connections and providence san antonio lexington houston you name it uh portland maine portland oregon seattle toronto vancouver uh new orleans philly

boston so come on out say hello check out dean and stuff we'll see on the road get on the patreon buy a mug get a shirt we might be drunk pod.com the merch is outstanding bodega cat yeah it's like it's either out or it's almost out so you know if it's already out you know but if it's almost out it's like this fucking close yeah and it's the best whiskey you're ever gonna try so i can't wait for you to try it have an abortion adopt a kid and save a muslim we love you all right thank you dina and follow dina make sure to follow dina she's a great hell yeah sunday's the day for my next bender a bit of peber rec you know the future's close I've had a little too much bourbon and Norman's talking shit about the fucking post and I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous.

I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true