We Might Be Drunk - Ep 9: Bloody Mary & Bloody Mary

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

Comedians Mark Normand and Sam Morril have some Bloody Mary's

One more drink, one more drink You know in the morning for sure we gon' stink One more round, one more round It's 5 a.m., you pricks, the barkeep frowned This is what we do, catch up for a few We'll riff and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two. Talk some

shit and then we'll sleep till two. Woo-wee! Hey, hey! We might be drunk. It's fuckin' 3 p.m. on Super Bowl Sunday. This is our first early one. Yes, we're finally moving on to day drinking, which is the next step of alcoholism.

What are you drinking? I'm dying to know what you drink during the day. Well, I figured it's Super Bowl Sunday. I'm in New Orleans seeing my mom on her birthday. She's 25. Happy birthday, Mrs. Norman. I'm going Bloody Mary. Whoa, Mrs. Norman. I'm going Bloody Mary. Whoa, dude.

No way. No way. Look at that. The official day drink. Great day drink. A little vodka here. Yeah. And I'm going to do it up.

I threw a fucking spicy pickle up in that motherfucker. I'm jealous. I wish I had a couple of little accoutrements or whatever you call it. What do you go to for a Bloody Mary? What's an appropriate garnish? What takes it too far? Oh, good question. Well, in New Orleans, there's all these psychos who put a

fucking crab leg in there and a shrimp tail and a tampon. I love it. They always go too far. It's like a Katrina version. The whole kitchen sinks in there It's like a prosthetic leg And all the dildo But I think

Green olive, celery Maybe an okra And some white onion How about a pickle? Pickle's not okay? No, but pickle's good I like a pickle I even throw some pickle juice up in that motherfucker dude i'm crazy that's good i like a little pickle juice with booze i i was

pro pickleback from the get-go oh yeah pickleback had a renaissance that that really popped they it died out like fucking uh what's the one what's the what was that uh the cronut cronut that's what it was i was thinking of uh uh zima zima was the one? What was that? The cronut? Cronut. That's what it was. I was thinking of Zima. Zima was the one I was thinking of. Zima. Zima had a minute, and then it was like, peace.

Bye, Zima. That was like how you described a guy as a pussy. That was like for the guy who was homophobic but couldn't say that, so he'd be like, what are you, a Zima drinker? And you're like, chill out. Right. Zima, Crystal Pepsi, and the Macarena. In and out.

Crystal Pepsi made no sense. I thought it was cool. I mean, it was clear. I'm like, it used to be brown. Now it's clear. But nobody dug it. But it's just fucking. But now you've got another clear drink that you're peddling with 7-Up.

Why are we doing it? Why are we doing it? Now it's just confusing. I don't know. Yeah, good point. And nobody gives a shit. It's just the same drink, just clear. So yeah, I get it.

But White Claw, when it first came out, it was like this pussy drink. It was a lemon truly. And after a while people were like, look, fuck you. I'm a pussy. I'm drinking it. And then they just owned it. And it kind of got garnered, or what the word garnered in grandfathered in grandfathered in yeah i think you know what happened it got james garnered in it was a fucking it was a cool ass no it uh you know what it was wife off a boat i think that was robert wagner wasn't it oh geez

sorry but also he he didn't they like he didn't do it, but like... Right. Yeah, Natalie Wood, man. Fuck. Oh, pretty lady. Pretty lady. Went out fucking at sea. That's how you're going to die? I know. I know.

And that was back when you can get away with a murder. You know, that was pre-DNA, pre-cell phone cam, pre-all that shit. DNA. Pre-DNA is like... It was fucking just anyone... It was like steroids in baseball It's like when no one gave a shit, you could just put up numbers You know what I mean? It's so true

You know, you watch these Unsolved Mysteries It's almost like a cell phone in a horror movie Like back in the day, there were no cell phones So you know, he's in the house Now it's just like, I'll just call the police Or I'll be at the log cabin, I'll call the fire department Whatever it is And back in the house Now it's just like I just call the police Or I'll be at the log cabin I'll call the fire department Whatever it is

And back in the day You were just screwed Well you nailed it Because they remade Rear Window With Shia LaBeouf They called it Disturbia And the whole thing

About Rear Window Is that she goes across The street to the Murderer's place And he can't reach her He's screaming Like get out Get out

But in Disturbia He's like Ah she must have No service That was the whole thing Yeah they have to have A scene where He's screaming like, get out, get out. But in Disturbia, he's like, ah, she must have no service. That was the whole thing. Yeah, they have to have a scene where the cell phone breaks or it falls in a lake, you know, just to get through the plot. That's your T-Mobile ad right there. You should have switched to AT&T.

Right, right. She got murdered. Grace Kelly died. Yeah. Another one that died young Car crash Really Married like the Prince of Monaco

Or something And yeah And she died in a Car crash at like 50 Or something Fucking horrible Beautiful woman Beautiful

I mean all those people Went out like Fatty Arbuckle was young And Marilyn Monroe Was an overdose All those Those hot ladies They were not

They were smoking cigarettes at nine. They were only allowed to drink coffee and smoke cigarettes. They couldn't gain weight. I mean, that was a rough life for a young starlet in the 40s. That's so true. Marilyn Monroe was just so fucking tiny. I bet if you saw her in person now, you'd be like, that's a little

person. She was so small. banging Joe DiMaggio so not only she's small but she's probably fucking catching some abuse that was an angry dude right there no doubt about it well what's the other guy the arthur miller what what a range of dick it's like wait so manly i didn't know i didn't know she fucked arthur miller seriously oh they were hot and heavy arthur miller joe dimaggio and did she bang Sinatra too I think he I think Sinatra's like Fucked all his friends Girl

Yeah yeah He wasn't a great guy I bet I mean No You've seen The Kid Stays in the Picture Where he's like

He's banging What's that Mia Farrow Dude that's like Fucking weird too He was 61 And she was 20 I know

What do you talk about Yeah What do you What do you talk about? Yeah. What do you, what do you, that's a good question. You're looking for depends. She's looking for fucking,

uh, I don't know, 61, 61 Sinatra's fucking rough too. That's not like a regular 60. That's not like a fucking Dwayne, the rock Johnson, 61. That's a vodka martini.

I'm getting fucking hammered. I don't sleep. And I eat ribeyes every night. 61. Yeah. That's a two pack a day scotch drinking uh you know italic greaseball italian jersey guy crooner you know yeah you're right that'll wear on you plus nobody was eating kale back then or or you know doing fucking uh meditating or zumba so yeah that's that's a bad when rickles was the healthy one in your group uh you hockey puck dude uh fuck sinatra really uh yeah apparently a manic depressive terrible yeah but he also he fucked his friends women like he uh when bogey was dying

he was like like you're my boy bogey and then immediately moves in on lauren bacall whoa yeah she's ava gardner yeah oh dude he fucking i mean no one's no one's saying he didn't have game wow uh what's her name there was some starlet back then she said sinatra was the best sex of her life but she was it was so it was in the 40s and 50s so she said in an interview you couldn't be vulgar so she said oh my god he's amazing in the feathers which i thought was such a great cool line for this this whore to like cover it up you know the feathers good the feathers fuck so noir i love they all had to talk it was better writing back then because they had to avoid that stuff we can just say fuck whenever we want so we can get lazy.

Yeah, so true. I mean, I did The Tonight Show and I used to say like something or other and I had to change it to go clean. I wish I knew what it was, but it was so much more clever because I had to make it clean. And so it made me get creative. It does. It works both ways because I remember Nick Griffin, our buddy on Letterman. I might have said this on our podcast even but he he had a joke like you know young women are filled with sugar and spice and everything nice and i'm filled with anger and

semen and shame and they made him change semen to prozac and i'm like fuck semen so much funnier you got the alliteration you get yeah so it works those suits don't help us, but I do think when we force ourselves to have to come up with a more clever line, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. It can go both ways, totally. But yeah, yeah, Sinatra, apparently a maid. Did you watch The Doc on HBO about him? No, I read a book by Earl Wilson,

who was like a New York Post writer back in the day. I never saw The Doc. Is it great? It's pretty great, just because how different things are. He was Italian back in the day I never saw the doc, is it great? It's pretty great just because like how Different things are like he was Italian Back in the day and you couldn't You know you got in trouble if you were Italian

His dad had to change the name of his bar to O'Leary's Just to seem Irish Just so he could keep it open Like crazy shit about Italian discrimination That's fucking weird Yeah and he would just get really drunk And he'd be like, he had a jet obviously You know he's the most famous guy on the drunk And he'd be like He had a jet obviously You know he's the most famous guy on the planet

And he'd be like Let's just fly to London And they're like Dude it's five And he's Let's go to bed He's like Let's fly to London

He just couldn't stop Well that was like a power thing back then I mean the song Come Fly With Me Is like That was a status thing Come fly with me Now it's like

Alright you wanna go fly somewhere But like back then it was like Come fly with me We'll float down to Peru. And they'd be like, oh, my God, Peru, you know, right. That's a great point. And all these cool little stories about like stand up comedy. You call it stand up comedy because the mob ran all the night clubs and the gin joints.

And they say this is a stand up guy. He's a stand up guy. And that's where stand-up comedian came from Interesting, yeah, and also Vegas When the mob ran it, it seemed to work Much more smoothly It did, it seemed smooth, even though they're murderers And psychopaths, it kind of worked

If you bail on the movie Casino Before that last scene, it seems alright I don't know, right before Pesci and Phil Vincent Or Frank Vincent Would ever get fucking That's one of the toughest to watch scenes ever Oh, when he's watching his brother get pounded

And then they throw his fat body With the tighty-whities into the ditch And they hit him with bats Ah, God, it's too much One of the toughest scenes Brutal, brutal But fun movie That's a movie you can just put on

Keep on, you're making eggs in the background you're watching casino they got a guy's hand in a vice it's great i mean which hand do you deal with james wood playing the sleaziest motherfucker yeah so so good in that movie oh man he's so what is it lester diamond something like that and sharon stone's as hot as fuck in that movie too so hot she was good good actress yeah so good yeah that scene where uh she blows pesci she's crying on his shoulder he's like i know i know i mean come on i was 14 like jesus christ what's going on here yeah pesci's a piece of shit but you're also like well done pesci it's one of those weird moments where like he's a bad friend but like i didn't expect pesci to be pulling sharon stone so i know i gotta give him a little bit of a nod right right and

apparently all true story and all that based on a true story pretty amazing it is weird where like mob type dudes draw the line you know because they're like i mean i'm obsessed with the sopranos and like it is funny how they'll justify shit. We're like, this is horrible, this is fucked up. But then they'll be like, pedophile, we don't fucking do that. We just murder people. And you're like, all right, but you're still a bad dude. Yeah, that isn't... I mean, prison's the same way.

They're all murderers and rapists, but then when a pedophile comes in, they're like, this guy's a bad apple. Yeah, that's true. Madoff in prison got a guy's a bad apple. Yeah, that's true. It's a Madoff in prison. Got a lot of respect. Hmm. Like this dude.

Fuck. He he robbed people blind for decades. This motherfucker. And he walks in. Everyone's like, I'm sure it gets old. I'm sure he preferred being a brownstone. And I mean, it's look, I get it. I mean, it's cruel And he's robbing people And he's a criminal

But like There's something badass About doing crime With a suit on And not getting your hands dirty Exactly I mean, if you're in there For a vehicular

Like some sort of like Car robbery or something And then you meet this guy And you're like Well, this guy's the king You know? Yes, yes He did it from an ivory tower

While getting a bj and rubbing a cat you know and these other guys are on their hands and knees under a car stealing a catalytic converter way cooler we know it's crazy he's like the peak of what a criminal can be and it still ended horribly for i mean didn't one of his kids kill themselves i mean it was fucking bad i think oh is that right i didn't know i'm pretty sure one of his kids commits suicide oh i'm double checking here but also two things maybe i'm how perfect is the name isn't it weird when a name is so made off he made off and then you got anthony wiener that's another perfect one how great is that that's just like a gift from the comedy gods did you see the wiener doc oh i saw it wait

that's just gay porn oh the wiener yeah yeah i've seen that that's great fucking incredible dude decent piece on that guy as well oh was i don't remember that part oh yeah yeah and he had kind of a good actually you know i do remember a little bit because that jim underwear shot and he's in good shape too he's like great he like, he looks like a string beam, but then you're like, Oh, this dude works out. Oh yeah.

He's got like the fight club shredded skinny muscle. Yeah. What a waste of the V ab, you know, what a waste of the Brad Pitt body. I mean, he fucking pulled Huma who was hot and is that right? Accomplished.

Yo, you know, his wife is, you know, he, he married her. She was hot. Oh, I thought you said Uma Thurman. No, no, no, Huma. Oh, Huma.

She was like a Clinton aide. Oh. No, she's in the doc. She's super hot and successful and clearly put up with a lot. Yeah, to say the least, yeah. She got that from Hillary, too. She she's like we as women have to deal with a lot and they're like all right i mean he he had so many chances as mayor and as a husband and he i mean the part was so fucking funny is uh i saw that in the theaters in new york

and there's that scene where they have a john stewart clip and it's they play the clip in Borough Park where someone says something anti-semitic like you just show Wiener losing his shit on some orthodox Jew and everyone's like oh what a lunatic but then they show the clip before and some orthodox Jew says something really fucked up about him being with an Arab and John Stewart goes I take it back fuck him and it got an applause break on the daily show and in the theater it got an applause break ah and you're like damn john stewart kills so hard that he's killing in a theater yes wow how how interesting is that that it's like hey he's a he's a racist or a bigot and then the person who calls you a bigot turns out to be bigoted isn't that crazy

that's human nature you know we all do it and also we that's the internet too is like we're so quick to jump on someone who fucks up but then it's like okay but we just saw where they lost their mind let's can we see what happened before right exactly exactly can we challenge the play like a football game can we challenge this cancellation or whatever this is yes but they don't want to check because they just want as bill marr will say they want the scalp on the wall they don't actually care about the justice they just want to get you that's interesting yeah well i mean but then also if it's not too serious they tend to move on i mean that's the nature of the internet too is like if you just right or they they run away usually they yeah they move on to the next shiny story. Exactly.

It's interesting you say Borough Park, because I had a, I guess, Hasidic landlord, and I'd have to go pay him in Borough Park. He made me go out to Borough Park, which is like a million miles into Brooklyn. It's all Hasidic. It's all Hebrew, everything. You'd see a Hebrew, a guy in a Jewish outfit with the tassels and the curls, like hammering on a building. You're like, what the fuck? It's so weird to see a Jewish guy building stuff or like doing a buzzsaw, you know? And it's just weird to see.

You don't see a lot of Jewish carpentry. You handyman. You know, like this guy's like laying cement with a yarmulke on. It's just fascinating. I beg to differ. We have the most famous Jewish carpenter of all time. Well, I haven't seen much of his work To be honest

That's fair I don't know where the Jewish Or the Jesus cabinets are But No I know what you mean I used to go to like I used to tutor kids In like

South Williamsburg And when I'd leave late at night I'd be like Oh this is fucking weird Late at night Cause you see a lot of like Shady looking characters Right Right Definitely Yeah so at night, I'd be like, oh, this is fucking weird late at night. Because you see a lot of shady-looking characters. Right, right. Definitely.

Yeah, so they knew right away I wasn't part of the tribe. Because I remember one time I walked in to Borough Park area, and I'm lost. And I see a guy, a Jewish guy, on the corner. I go, hey, man, which way is 14th Street? And he looks me up and down and goes, I don't know. And I go half a block, I hit

14th Street. I was like, that motherfucker. Wow. Yeah. I looked you up and down. There is, you know, as a Jew, I'm a cultural Jew. I'm not a religious Jew. So I'm more of an avoidant Jew. I'm not like the type.

Well, there's a type on the street. They're like, are you Jewish? And they're like, they're trying to get you to sign up for something. And you're just like, yeah, but I'm like a Jew who keeps to myself. I'm like, I'm not the, I'm not signing. I'm not trying to get on more email lists for something and you're just like yeah but i'm i'm like a jew who keeps to myself i'm like i'm not the i'm not signing i'm trying i'm not trying to get on more email lists you know what i mean right yeah exactly i don't want to be part of the the prayer circle or the synagogue or whatever the fuck yeah and they know i mean you kind of have a jewish vibe though i mean you you i think a lot of it is like you grew up with so much comedy and so many

comedians are jewish yeah so there's like almost like a jewish sensibility like you grew up with so much comedy and so many comedians are Jewish. Yeah. So there's like, almost like a Jewish sensibility in you a little bit. I don't know. Yeah, sure. I mean, I take it as a compliment. I'm a, I'm a wannabe. I mean like Larry David and Seinfeld and Adam Sandler, Groucho Marx, Woody Allen. Like I'm obsessed with all these Jewish guys. Um, plus every time you go, who's, what's, is that guy Jewish? He's really funny. They usually say, yeah, like Mel Brooks and Mort Sahl.

And it just keeps going. And Shelly Berman, whatever it is. A lot of people don't even know who Mort Sahl is now. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Woody Allen's idol, by the way. You know what's interesting about Mort Sahl? I saw someone write something about this, how if he died and Lenny Bruce went on, he would have been Lenny Bruce.

Because if you die in your prime, think about who the most famous rappers of all time are. It's Tupac and Biggie. It's the two guys who died in their fucking 20s. Think about the reverence we have for Bill Hicks

or people who die super young. Hedberg, Geraldo. Geraldo, yeah. Geraldo was in his 40s, but he was just getting to that prime where he was so fucking good. Look at Che Guevara. I think we've talked about this, but the people that become iconic.

We talked about this a little last episode, but Mort Sahl was the guy. He was like John Oliver or John Stewart back in the day. And then he just got old, and I guess it just stopped working. I don't know. Yeah, well, I mean, first, again, just go back to the Jewish thing. Mort's all John Stewart, Lenny Bruce, Joan Rivers, all Jews. But John, John Leibowitz, by the way, is that's right. Which a little offensive that he changed it.

You know, come on, buddy. Stick with the group. But I get it. It's Hollywood. But I don't know if Mort's all And we're going deep into comedy stuff here But I don't know if Mort Sahl had the cojones Like Lenny Bruce was a twisted guy You know, heroin addict

You know, weirdo a little bit He had the chutzpah to like push the system I don't know if Mort Sahl was trying to rock the boat I mean, he had some great points and he was political But I think you need a little bit of a psycho To go say cocksucker in the 50s in a coffee shop and get pulled out by cops that's that's well said and also to like be a druggie and like kind of like a hard-edged badass and leather jacket you're kind

of like oh you're like a fucking you're like a you're trying to shake it up a little bit yes yes joan rivers said he made comedy sexy Wow Yeah That's fucking cool You know, you look at Shelley Berman or Mel Brooks They're not exactly sexy guys Yeah, but look who Mel Brooks married, though Ah, good point I mean, I love Brooks

Yeah, I mean, funny can be cool, man Right, and he was in World War II, by the way Don't forget that Yeah, these motherfuckers are such more Like, we think about, like, men I saw this article on tom brady and uh it was just him it was like on him he was did a thing on jimmy kimmel show where they read mean tweets a funny segment like it gives people an opportunity to be a little self-deprecating and he's reading these tweets and they're like you're

not a man you can't use a wrench and uh tom brady's like yeah you i mean you're kind of right you know it's like funny but it's like well what's a man it. And Tom Brady's like, yeah, I mean, you're kind of right. It's funny, but it's like, well, what's a man? The dude's like the greatest football player ever. I know. He's like, you're not a fucking man. You can't use a wrench. It's like, guess what?

He's so successful, he never had to learn how. Exactly. Yes. I'm banging a supermodel. I got six Super Bowl rings. I'm a millionaire. I provide. I'm a best player. What do you want from me yeah he's a fucking i i wonder if it's i mean i'm sure it's enjoyable the accolades

and being just like beyond loved by everyone everyone's like you're the fucking greatest i saw that rapper uh french montana put 250k on the super Bowl Like god damn Imagine that shit But you know everyone fucking loves Brady man And it Everyone at least respects him Yes yes The only people that hate him are because he's so good Yeah I mean and also I think like whenever someone

When you're just being fed constantly This guy's the GOAT this guy's the greatest People are like shut the fuck up But he is i mean it's like he is i think and it's another thing it's like when he retires i think people will love him even more because they'll really take in the greatness it's like mj like in his prime i fucking hated mj in the 90s i was a nicks fan but like you can't look back on jordan and not be like you're the the shit. You're not the shit. He's the shit. He's the shit.

He's the guy. He's the best. And it's just what we do in this country. We like to bring you up and then take you down. But death is the ultimate down. So once you go to death, you're back up again. It's this weird fucking system. And it's all based on insecurity and ego.

And let me just say this about the Jews. It's the last thing. You've got to have some weird Jewish chosen people Hebrew pride for, because there's some Jewish bad guys out there, but they're the best at being bad guys. Madoff is the best at what he did. Epstein, obviously a villain, but killed it. I mean, who had more ladies on a conveyor belt?

And to go against what you're saying, they weren't ladies. Females, I should say. Females, I guess. No, I mean, Epstein is a... He made it to the top, for sure. He was a sneaky motherfucker. I mean he was a sneaky motherfucker Yeah

Weird that he was a teacher at Dalton Yeah Weird that he was Smart dude I'm not Defending what the guy did but it's like the Mike Racine joke You know where they go this guy Is the worst pedophile he molested

500 kids and you're like actually he's the best pedophile It's the same as his joke, basically Mike's brilliant joke Where he's like, the worst pedophile That's a guy who can't get his van to start He's giving kids WNBA cards His candy is circus peanuts That's a brilliant joke

Brilliant, Mike's always got the best It's got the best tags of all time If you guys want a great album, check out Mike racine's album it's itunes spotify r-e-c-i-n-e mike racine fucking yes incredibly funny incredible so many great jokes uh but yeah no i mean look peak villain i guess so yeah i guess they I guess Epstein was Harvey Harvey Weinstein Another peak Jew villain You guys just

You guys are good at what you do Is what I'm saying Yeah Even though It could be for good Or it could be for bad You're going to the top You know what's weird about Weinstein

Is his real last name is Stewart But he changed it to be No No Harvey Weinstein is Fuck it's weird Cause you rewatch some of those movies You're like man he really made great movies Like Spotlight was one of his last ones

You're like that's a fucking incredible movie The Tarantino movies Then you read about him You're like you're the worst motherfucker You're the worst human being What is it about these guys who do good work? Like, Cosby was known as the best comedian of all time for a while, and then he's a psycho.

Not a Jew. No, no doctor, but no Jew. But, yeah, no, it's just the weirdest thing. Like, you hear Picasso is this brilliant artist, but he's also like a wife beater or whatever it is. So it's just weird kind of extremes that these guys live in

Well I think if you're used to getting away with shit Massive success Ain't gonna make you stop Yeah yeah I guess so Good point And also Weinstein I mean look at the guy He probably was a horny motherfucker Who couldn't get laid then he got all this power

And was like I still can't get laid Right right I know. And then you hear all these stories about him and Epstein had weird dongs where they were deformed and twisted. Yeah, egg-shaped. Yeah, it's like Hitler with the one ball. One ball. And apparently Hitler had a tiny dong as well.

Oh, interesting. We're seeing a pattern. Thank God we have huge dongs. Thank God our dicks aren't egg shaped Yeah exactly That's a weird shape by the way Yeah yeah That's tough because you want some girth But it's no good without the length

You don't want a tuna can No one wants their dick to be described as hard boiled What does it look like? You know poached? I don't know Poached It's such a weird Ron on Head, our boy Ron on Hirschberg

Had such a great tweet about I don't want to victim shame, but I feel like Eva Braun really ignored a lot of red flags About Hitler That's great, so true Fuck I mean, just those those nights are in the pillow talk i can only imagine what he was saying that'd be great if he was like really shy in bed if he was just like he's like oh shucks i don't know he was i mean there were the there were the gay

rumors too obviously oh well you know the obsession i mean when you're obsessing over men's looks and the whole aryan thing enough it's kind of like all right there might be some shit going on yeah i mean just the the sheer numbers like you'd have to think some slave owners back in the day were probably like damn look at the dong on that that slave because like obviously there had to be gay slave owners just with the sheer statistics Sure, sure And they all sounded like Lindsey Graham They all had the same delivery

Right Give me a rec Alright, alright, I'm glad you asked there Because I feel like I've been throwing out 12 documentaries a week And I gotta mix it up I started one of them I started the Operation operation odessa i'm like halfway through i'm gonna finish it tonight i loved it i'm all in i love docs like that where

it's just complete insanity it's a great recommendation i can't wait to finish it it's it's such a cool doc because it's so over the top but it's real so it's not like oh the writers went too far it's like i can't believe this is all true so it's fun but uh all right so i've been recommending a lot of movies and docs and all that so i'm mixing it up a band i love that i don't think is getting any any recognition or at least i'm out of the music game so maybe i'm i'm an idiot but uh dr dog i'm throwing it out there huge are they huge? Yeah. I think they're huge. Harry, right into us. Are they not huge? Dr. Dog?

They're out of Philly. Like, one banger after another. They're kind of mellow, but the lyrics are really smart and interesting. So I'm going Dr. Dog. I put it on when I write. I put it on in the car. I love it. Dr. Dog.

I'm looking them up. Yeah, they're big. I don't know. Yeah. All right. Maybe not. Look, I'm not a big music guy In terms of knowing new bands and stuff And I know them, so that's, you know

I've heard their stuff, they're great They're very good Love them, love them, just kind of mellow But really talented musicians Big fan of Dr. D And I think they like this kind of Mid-level career I think that's, feels like that's the new

Hot spot of famous you don't want to be kim k and you don't want to be nobody i like a nice middle ground like a burt kreischer level or a bill burr or something like that arenas is your middle ground bill burr plays the garden dude good point good point who will say sagura huge good point all right the sagura is huge too what are you talking about all right uh let me let me dial it back uh mike racine that's where you want to be no no a little bigger than mike no i know you mean that you're right though you're right about like the not having to worry about like paparazzi and having a good middle class career

which you kind of can as an entertainer now you couldn't back in the day i feel like but that's true but now it's like yeah you have a good solid you know financial career but you're not you don't have to worry about just you know i don't know i mean there's gonna be there's gonna be shit at every level i feel like sure the bigger you get it just seems like you have a target on your back yeah completely and look you have these high heights and it's probably great you reach the mountaintop but the the level of shit is also equal to the greatness and i'd rather maybe i'm not i'm too weak i'd rather just a nice middle shit and a middle greatness i don't want to be ellen that's insane or kevin hart i can't

even imagine that's gotta be a nightmare but you're right with the internet you can kind of hover and be in a nice b squad and that's that's good enough for me i don't want to be ellen because that fucking it just looks like not real like what she's doing like i mean her coming out and like dancing with people and i'm like i know you're not a good person like there's no way you're like a there's no way that you're that cool and then like every member of her staff is like she's horrible and it's like yes so you've created this world where you're this like fun as like that's not a fun person right right completely we know you're not fun i mean i look i respect that she fucking is cutthroat and played the game and you you know, lesbian in the 90s sitcom, like, couldn't have been easy.

But, like, enough with this fucking ruse that you're, you know. Yeah. You're thrown out with it. The dancing to me is like, no fucking comic is dancing. Exactly, yeah. Nice people are just, they just kind of hang back and be nice. They don't have to, it's almost like the guy who hates gays, but he's actually gay, you know?

Right. She's coming out and dancing and you gays but he's actually gay you know right she's coming out and dancing you're like you're actually a cunt like but then you got then you got uh what's his face james gandolfini is just hanging back smoking cigars and he's giving the whole cast his pay he's the greatest he's the greatest keanu reeves another one you just never you never hear shit about him be like he's just a great dude. Great dude. Basically any straight white man is just a great guy. He's half Filipino, I think. Does that help? No, I'm fucking around.

No, I love Gandolfini so much. Ellen is like, look, I've just heard horror stories that she's not nice to her employees. And it's like, you fucking made it. You did it. You're making stupid money. You live in a probably Troy McClure type fucking floating palace that overlooks the hills or whatever. to her employees and it's like you fucking made it you did it you're making stupid money you live in a probably troy mcclure type fucking floating palace that overlooks the hills or whatever like you're not gonna fucking be nice to people be fucking nice to people i completely agree and

look i get some of the arguments like you always hear these things like j-lo it's in her it's in her rider you can't look her in the eye and all that shit And you're like What? That's crazy And obviously that's silly But sometimes I understand The amount of effort And energy a person has You can't always give that away To strangers You gotta save it for the stage

Or save it for the camera No people do take for sure Where you're like I'll say this I fucking had to work all day You know on a very fucking minor level I had to work all day You know On a very fucking minor level I had to work all day And then we drove every night

To do gigs in Jersey You know Stress Factory And that tent show Amazing setup Love the Stress Factory Great Great club

And then After the show I'm exhausted Because you know It's one show down I'm trying to recharge In the green room And there's no one

Working the door there So someone just knocks In the door I assume it's the waiter So I'm like Oh yeah come in It's fucking dudes From the show They're like Yo it's the waiter So I'm like oh yeah come in It's fucking dudes from the show They're like yo

And I'm just like I'm like oh hey man Can we do a picture And I was like yeah alright It's like eight dudes And I'm just like yeah alright And then they're like Taking forever

And I said guys Come on fucking So I'm sure they could be like He's an asshole But I'm like just take the fucking picture I'm trying to relax Right I have to do another fucking hour 15

On the late show I've been working all day I drove here I gotta drive back i'm tired of course of course but they don't see it that way but i don't think i don't think that it was like that with ellen from what i heard i heard she did not have her staff's back oh that's different that's different yeah that's fucked up i don't know yeah these are your, you hired them They're working for you, you want them to like you Yeah That being said, you gotta give I think there's

There's nuance to this Where being a woman in the clubs In the 90s could not have been In the 80s even In the 80s, you were a fucking Woman on the road, that wasn't easy Sure, yeah, I'm sure there was a lot of like Hey, sweetie, ass slap

Paying her less You know, am I gonna fuck the opener She's the opener, she's a woman There's all that shit, I'm sure Well, they had to deal with shit in the 80s With like, if I have a bad set They're not booking a woman again for months You know

Yeah, those were the good old days. But yeah, yeah. It's true. No, you're probably right. That's got to be rough. And she did Carson. And Carson was like, they did a panel. And he was like, it's got to be tough being a woman.

She's like, you have no idea. So that was, even as a kid, I saw that. And I was like, really? And I like sunk in. And it's not like she's not funny. Like, she is funny. She was a good comic. Great comic.

So, you know. But be nice. That's all i'm saying be nice to people here here yeah it's easy to be nice and like i get it when you're like a guy look i even i i think i don't think i was rude to those people but like that's a moment where i'm like oh they could probably tell people that i was like a little like cranky but i'm just like guys i'm, I'm, you came into my green room where I'm chilling and hiding. Right. Well, you have more self-respect because I would just do all the pictures, the hugs,

the high fives, and I wouldn't want to do it, but I would do it. And then I would just wait it out and they would finally leave. And I'd be like, ah, ah, ah,

but you actually, you did the right thing. You stood up for yourself and said, Hey, you know, this is all you. I'm getting nothing out of this. And this is one sided.

And help me out here. I'm happy to take a picture with fucking anyone. I'm shocked. It's like, you know, we've been doing this for a long time. So you're still shocked that anyone wants to take a picture with you. You're still like, holy shit. I can't believe that means something to someone. But at the same time, like, come on, man. If you're coming into my fucking area where I'm hiding, just like,

just have a little respect. Of course. Of course. Yeah. And a little awareness, you know, I'm trying to recharge. Now,

what do you do for this one? Cause I get this one a lot. I never know how to act. The guy who comes up, he's got you in the headlock and he goes, I love you, man. You can smell the whiskey.

And he goes, I drove four hours to get here. And you go, Oh my God. Thank you so much. I can't believe he did that. And he goes, I drove four hours to get here. And you go, oh, my God, thank you so much. I can't believe you did that. And then it's quiet. And he's almost kind of like, that's it? I drove four hours to see you, and you said thanks?

I'm like, well, what do you want me to do, make you a sandwich? I don't know what to do here. You drove, I gave you a show, you leave. I mean, this was your choice. There's a line in the Dangerfield documentary where Adam Sandler's telling this story, and he goes, I meet Rodney. He's my favorite comedian ever. And he goes up to me and goes, Rodney, you're my favorite comedian of all time.

And Rodney goes, hey, I'll tell you thanks, you know. And he goes, that's it? And Dangerfield goes, what do you want me to do, a fucking cartwheel? It's true. It's true. I mean, I appreciate it. I just, I don't know what to do. Give you gas money?

I mean, what do you go for here? You don't know what to do. Give you gas money. I mean, what do you go for here? You just say thank you so much. Give you gas money. It just never feels like enough. No, you just say thank you so much, man. It means a lot. I think you, what can you say? Except I'm so grateful that you would drive that far to see me tell my dumb jokes. I mean, you know, you're grateful. You're just like, thank you so much, man. I can't imagine. All right. Yeah. you're grateful you're just like i thank you so much man i can't imagine all right except i can because i took a fucking flight here but uh no no no you say i i can't i i'm you say you're grateful because you are i mean i am it is very appreciative it's incredible i guess but it's incredible that anyone would go so funny the first fucking item on stage with at the stress factory in jersey

and vinnie brand the owner comes on i don't know he's gonna come on so he just starts like he's like hey come back and riff with me i was like yeah what the fuck why not so we're talking on stage and vinnie goes uh so uh you know you're gonna you're gonna come back to the club right and i'm just like i'm here the whole weekend what do you what do you think i'm do you think i'm just bailing on you yeah yeah what do you mean you're gonna come back did the same thing to me he He's like, all these guys, they get too big. They never come back. Romano, Seinfeld, Chris. I'm like, well, what do you want me to do?

Do a weekend here every night? They're doing theaters. I think Rock does go back. I think Rock will work out there because he lives in Jersey. Oh, yeah. He'll probably work out there and do a fucking, what do you call it, Oscars or something. Romano's in the new scorsese movie he's like come back to fucking the stress factory he's like right i know i know

but it's a great club it's a great club and vinny's vinny's a great dude and they're actually like they put up a tent and shit that works it's incredible it's like heated you're not cold it's it's insane you put like 80 grand into it i heard yeah and it's paying off it's one of the best uh setups in the country i think i've done a lot of outdoor stuff and maybe it is the best and they run it beautifully and it kind of feels like a community there like the club the crowds feel like they know vinny he knows the crowds he's saying hi to everybody it's a cool thing i love it it's yeah it was it feels great to be telling jokes man i. I miss it so fucking much. Oh, yeah. I just miss our regular way of life, like doing this every night and hanging at the clubs.

I mean, even this is fucking weirdly just like, I look forward to this, but we're just having a drink and shooting this shit. It's just kind of nice. It's necessary, totally necessary. And you go to a green room. I'm at the Stress Factory in the green room with an opener, Ian Lara, and I didn't want to leave like he's like we gotta get back it's midnight i'm like a little longer you know we got we got a we got a chicken sandwich coming in we got vodka whiskey sodas let's hang out yeah i was doing tequila i'll my thing is like i'll do coffee on the early show and i'll do tequila on the late and uh i'll do like tequila with lime. It's kind of hangover proof. It's kind of

great. I love it. That's my go-to as well. All you need is that squeeze of lime. It's a beautiful thing. Squeeze of lime and you're good. A little Aviano Casamigos or some shit. I'm good, dude. Yeah, they say it has to be a clear tequila. So watch out with that brown stuff. Yeah, I go clear.

Or gold, I mean. But yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm with yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah No, I'm with you I don't do the I mean, if you want to have like some Añejo or some shit That's, it's pretty good But you're gonna, you're gonna feel it a little more the next day There was one night at the cellar Where me, you, and a couple other guys

Just did Casamigos straight up for, I don't know, nine hours And we woke up We swung the door open The sun shines in We fall out in the sidewalk You, you fall a cab, we throw you in, I walk home. I haven't been that hungover since the 80s. The next day I was like regarding Henry, I was like trying to feed myself, I was drooling. Oh, that was the worst hangover of all time.

I remember we would always have that like late afternoon text, you know, I think we'd be like, we're like not talking to people till then. I'd be like, I are, you're hurting. And you'd be like, I'm fucking hurting. I bet you're almost like grateful that it's not just you. That's in that much pain.

Yeah. You're like, all right, we're in this together. I get, it's funny how much shit, like we bring that shit in ourselves, but it's like every once in a while,

you just need that shit talk or that vent sesh where you're just like, fuck everything. I know. I feel good. It's like every once in a while you just need that shit talk or that vent sesh where you're just like, fuck everything. I know. And you feel good. It's so, those hangovers, because you just turn into like the most primal, you're like need to eat, shit, water, sleep. You know, you got a skid mark going. You got to order in like a hamburger. I mean, it's the saddest version of you of all time.

Drip drop. do you do that? Pedialyte, any of that stuff? Yeah, I love Pedialyte. Game changer. I can just chug. If I'm hungover enough, I'll just chug the whole carton of it. And my body, you can feel it going in.

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Okay, I mean, this is an obvious one, but I've restarted the whole show again, so I got to. Sopranos season one, man. I have to. I hate to be a fucking cliche, but I'm re-watching the whole show. And I've re-watched the show probably 12 times. I'm obsessed with it. But I'm re-watching.

I mean, it's like my... Sopranos is my go-to because it's weirdly... For such a violent show, it's weirdly common because it's so it's so funny it's so uh well-written like that's the other thing i was i was watching one uh today i just like i went for you know i went for a run i was like listening to it and it's so fucking funny dude it's so it was it was like like Uncle Junior, the way he fucking talks and is like this old man. But he's just a fucking they find out this kid he knew is Taylor's kid overdosed and like crashed a car. And he's like, this guy's still selling drugs. And Junior just goes, and what's this motherless fuck's name?

Like every once in a while, they have to do some personal shit you know and then it just cuts the junior in the nursing home with tony's mom and he goes oh even the coffee's old here ah he's great he's the funniest one and that mom was such a coos like i i would See her in a scene And I would get uncoupled She was so mean She was incredible She was so good Incredible Dude Junior My buddy Reese Waters He's like a great dude

He's like a sportscaster now I know Reese He did a couple lettermans Back in the day He's funny And he's like a great dude And I knew him Since I started

And he Yeah He was telling me He played pool At the Friars Club In New York He played pool With Junior Soprano once

Whoa Dominic Cheney And he said One of the nicest motherfuckers you'll ever meet I was like ah You're just like happy that that's how it goes Yeah yeah Oh man Is it Corrado?

Corrado Soprano yeah What a great name yeah he's a badass I mean you're probably still in the early seasons, right? I'm back on season one, but I've rewatched the entire show so many times. Six is a harder rewatch for me because it gets so bleak. Yeah. When shit starts going downhill, it's kind of like how the first hour 50 of Wolf of Wall Street is a ton of fun. And then you're kind of like, ah, this last hour 10 is kind of rough.

I don't know right right right it's like elvis's life you know it was unbelievable and then cut to him dead on a toilet with a you know peanut butter and banana sandwich it's like anyone's life yeah i guess so but man jackie jackie jr when he comes in and then when Chris is all Hopped up on dope That is the saddest shit But that intervention scene I still say Is one of the funniest written scenes I've ever seen in television

I'm with you He sits on Cosette and Tony's obsessed with animals He's like you sit on a fucking dog You didn't feel it under you? How do you kill a dog? And then he calls his mom a whore So Pauly punches him. I mean, it just, I'm dying. I'm on the floor.

And Pauly's yelling at him, you're weak. You're weak. Fucking intervention. It's fucking gold. Ah, yes. I assume most people watching us have seen The Sopranos. But if you haven't seen The Sopranos, watch The Sopranos. It's fucking, it's perfect.

It's a perfect show. Brilliant. It's got something for everybody And I'd say the best character development on TV Every character is so There's so much depth To the point where you know what movies they like That's a good point

Gary Cooper and fucking Tony watching like he watching like White Heat At one point with Cagney and you're just like So many great little The writers are so smart where you're like Oh man I'm learning shit I just rewatched the one where he takes meadow to uh to college one of the greatest episodes in tv history he takes meadow to look at schools and he runs into a guy who's in witness protection who used to be in the mob and tony fucking kills

oh yeah yeah it's crazy it's crazy It's so layered Where you're like No show gets like a sociopath And then also shows the family man Side of him better Even with AJ Where he's just like finding out what his dad does And Tony just fucking

He's at the funeral for Jackie Aprile And Tony just winks at him And you're like fuck I would want his approval too Yeah yeah totally It's true cause it's so real For Jackie Aprio And Tony just winks at him And you're like Fuck I would want his approval too Yeah Yeah totally Totally It's true Because it's so real

I mean we're humans With ego And insecurities It's fucking Ah Best thing I'm sorry to give an obvious wreck But that's what I've been watching again

So Hey I will finish I will finish Operation Odessa And you gotta watch Rick and Morty That's You gotta give that one a shot Oh I gotta watch that

I gotta watch that So good I struggle with cartoons But I don't know why But you're working on a cartoon I love Family Guy And you just said Three that you love

Yeah no it's all me But everybody tells me I sound like that guy Like Rick? Yeah Cause you burp when you talk Oh is that what it is he burps when he talks a lot oh all right i'll take it he's i mean dude he said rick from rick and morty's like the best character yeah you'll i want to hear what you say you'll come back on on a pod and we'll we'll rehash that one point what give me a pet peeve oh bojack is another good cartoon too

bojack's good bojack's fucking it it gets sad. I couldn't finish it. I was like, I don't want to, I'm assuming it ends sadly. I don't want to, it puts me in a bad place, but I did like BoJack. Oh, yeah. All right, a pet peeve. I got two, but one of them is better. I wrote it down. I want to say it right.

Okay, I'm going to try to recreate this because it happens to me all the time, and I fucking can't stand it. All right. When you mix up two things on accident and people dwell on it you know you go uh well you know uh new york city is the capital of new york and albany is the best city in new york and they go oh wait hold on i mean albany's the capital and you and they go oh geez for a second i thought you thought albany was the best city in new y. No, you think New York City's the Capitol? Albany's the Capitol. I'm like, I know.

I caught it. I changed it. Like, you really think New York's the Capitol? This guy thinks New York City's the Capitol. I'm like, I got it wrong for two seconds. I know the answer. I just, and then they just keep hammering it on you. And I'm like, this is all you got.

You can't come up with anything on your own. So you got to shit on my point. That wasn't even good. I'm so with you. It's like, it's like it's like you almost need to retake a scene a movie and the director's like nope you only got one chance at it and we're going with that you're a shitty actor now that's a great way to put it yeah you're like oh robert de niro was in star wars and harrison ford was in good i mean harrison ford was in

star war robert you think harrison ford was some good fellas like no no i corrected myself no backseas no yeah yeah you're like they just they want you to be wrong so bad and then you go no I'm showing you that I know and they go I don't I don't care that you know I want to just fuck with you oh that's so fucking funny that's so I hate that I fucking hate that hate it they won't leave it alone that's a good one because that drives me nuts I had a funny one we had a funny thing I remember we talked about once you when we were doing clubs on the road early on and like how that free meal meant so much to us and you did a club in ohio and the guy's like get the salmon yeah and you were like

all right and they charged you for it yeah funny farm in youngstown ohio i'll never forget he was upselling me he's like a great wine to get with this swordfish is the red i was like all right bring it on and then $800 later, you know Yeah, that happened to me in a club called Looney's With two E's in Colorado Springs I'm not bragging, but I did a gig And all week he's like, you gonna have a drink? I'm like, I don't know

He's like, you fucking pussy, the bartender And I'm like, alright, I'll have a drink I'm like a young comic on the road And then they fucking hand me a bill For all the beers at the end of the weekend I'm like, all right, I'll have a drink I'm like a young comic on the road And then they fucking hand me a bill For all the beers at the end of the weekend I'm like, you fucking pricks What a douche You're pressuring me

I know How is Colorado Springs? That seems like a pretty town It's like a naval base town It's cute, it's like alright I remember I went to a Mexican restaurant It was great It was cool

I mean like the club Wasn't great I think they have a big I could be wrong But I think they have A big Vietnamese population too It was Yeah it was good

It was I mean the club I think the crowds Were like pretty nice It's just the club Kind of sucked And I was a young Comic on the road

I remember taking a picture I like clubs that have all The head shots up and it had Young Louis Black Young everyone Boy Nick Griffin so I took a picture of him He's super young black and white photo And he goes why would you fucking send this to me

So mad at me That's so romantic to think about Those guys you know there's still some fire In their belly you know there's some hunger and they're going out to Colorado. These East Coast guys like I'm going to Colorado Springs, whatever the fuck that is. They just wanted to get up. Fucking all. I miss it so much.

The regularity of it. But my pet peeve is this is a dumb one. But when people are running late and they're running late and then they're like, all right, I'm like 20 minutes out. But they're more than 20 minutes out And it's like I'm gonna find out Just tell me don't make me And then they're like oh it's like there's traffic I'm like you're running late from running late

Now So I'm just Look if you're late you're late But don't fucking lie how late Because then sometimes you're waiting for the person on the street or something I hate that shit. It's bad news, and I've done it. I'm guilty of it, where you go,

I'm getting on the train right now, and you haven't left your house. I've done it, and I feel horrible every time, but you're right. It's a shitty move, because you're going to, the proof is in the pudding. You're going to show up late, and it's not going to add up. So it's either you're lying now, you face the music later or whatever it is. But just, yeah, just tell the truth. Yeah, I'm with you, man.

It's just kind of like, just fucking tell me. Because I don't care that much. I try to be on time. I think punctuality is like, you realize how important that shit is as you get older too. Where you're like, you're fucking with people's time you're right this is their their you don't know how busy people are you know what's going on in their life that's the other thing like you don't you don't know what people are going through right now so just be respectful like i talked to a friend the other day i haven't talked to forever and he told me this fucking horrible story about

his wife and i'm like oh i didn't know that you don't know what's going on in yeah in people's lives so be fucking punctual and respectful to people you know shit yeah and the worst is when they're super late and you're like all right well i got a hard out and then they show up and you're like well now we only have this much time and they get mad at you like what we'll never make it you're like that's your fault we would have done it if you were on time i love that we when you agree to do something you don't want to do And then they're late And then you're like, alright, well I still gotta leave at this time They're like, oh come on

You're like, fuck you Right, right It's one of my favorite Todd Berry jokes When he's like, you ever have someone make plans with you And you don't really want to do it And they cancel? Oh, he's like, oh sorry, I can't meet back up I'm too busy dancing in the streets

Oh, fuck, that's great, oh, sorry, I can't meet back up. I'm too busy dancing in the streets. Oh, fuck. That's great. You know what else? On a piggyback on your late thing, a pet peeve. Please. I was hanging out at my friend's house because I'm back in New Orleans, so I'm seeing some old high school douches. And the guy, I'm at his parents' house, and his mom's going,

hey, lunch is ready. Come on down. And he's going, I'm coming. He's upstairs. I'm coming. And she's like, okay. And then he's still doing stuff. And she's like, hey, lunch is ready. Come on down. And he's going, I'm coming. He's upstairs. I'm coming. And she's like, okay. And then he's still doing stuff. And she's like, hello, lunch.

He's like, I'm coming, Mom. It's like, no, you're not. She's calling you. You keep saying you're going, but you're not moving. That drives me crazy. I'm like, she's right. I'm with her. Damn.

What a fucking prick. Yeah, I feel like kids do that to their parents all the time. He's living at home? Huh? Is he living at home? He's a fucking loser He's a drug addict guy He's a great dude, he's cool as shit

He doesn't sound that cool He's fun, he's a fun guy He's on pills and stuff A fun guy, it's so fucking funny I feel like him not coming down to lunch on time Is the least of his fucking mom's worries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Worry about the oxycodone or whatever he's-

Oh, does he do that shit? Well, he's got all kinds. He's got like a jar of pills. It looks like mints and candy. And you're like, oh, that's a Zanbar. That's a Xanax. That's a whatever it is, a purple football. You name it.

Fun guy. It's funny the pills that people take when they get- Because I've noticed a lot of like older when you're younger you take like uh you know speed coke shit that like gives you energy and shit but when you get older it's all shit that slows you down like ambient like it's all it's also you're like 7 p.m i'm fucking tapping out you know what i mean that's so true it's like yeah you go to college and everybody's doing addderall They're all snorting it They're all popping it And then yeah you get older And everybody's like

Give me a fucking Xanax Or a Klonopin I want to I want to conk out on this flight Yeah you kind of want less time As you get older Or you're at least more like You kind of know when to dip out

I think that's part of being older Like when you're younger You're like I'll fucking be up for I'll be up till 7am But then you're older You're like I'll get up at 7 a.m yeah you know what i mean yeah you don't want your time to to coincide with that motherfucker when you're older yes and you could say the same with sleep i mean look at kids they never want to go to sleep then they want to wake

up early and as an adult you're like i'm dying to crash i'm dying to sleep in i gotta get a nap in you're dying to sleep yeah yeah it's like weird i was driving to the gig with shafi he drove our buddy shafi hussein and uh i would he could see i was like exhausted and he was like dude conk out for a second and i just passed out in the car for like five minutes and i felt so much better that's a good guy right there some people don't like the nap car guy i i never am that guy i always fight through it but like especially end of the night because i'm like oh i'm going home i'll fucking coffee up whatever but like pre-show i'm like i i'm not gonna have it if i don't i and that's the first

time i've done it in forever years you know yeah but no one they say like a six minutes of napping can really boost you like 80 it's totally totally worth it. Yeah, that's wild. What do you got for news stories? Oh, yeah. Well, I was going to throw out my Super Bowl tweet. So good. So relevant. Alright, let me just...

Hopefully nobody gets mad about this, but hey, fuck it. Who's getting mad? I don't know. People who love Brady or hate COVID or whatever it is. Oh, fuck that shit, dude. I know, I know. Everybody's mad about something. But here we go.

Also, we've said we respect the guy. We can't make jokes. He's the fucking greatest ever. You can't fucking make a comment? Good point. All right, here we go. Today is the Super Bowl, so it's topical. Tom Brady is the COVID of, so it's topical.

Tom Brady is the COVID of football. He's thriving in Florida. He's put up huge numbers, and some people still don't believe in him. That's a great joke. That's like a fucking perfect late night joke. Yeah, we got 700 retweets, so we're cooking. That's great. I had an idea for Brady.

I saw an interview where he was asked if he and Giselle ever have sex on game day. And he said, I wouldn't say it's never happened, but it's not the time. It's time for prep. I like the image of Giselle trying to bang him. And he's like, not now. I'm thinking about Gronk. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I got to watch game film.

The other idea is like about how Brady and Giselle met on a blind date in 2006. But like, I don't like that it's called a blind date because it's like, you know what they look like. Yeah, right, right. You're both on the cover of magazines. It's not a blind date. Yeah. I mean, we've all showed up to a blind date and you're like oh my god she's attractive thank god imagine being like oh my god she's a super

model yeah like no one's going on like you're like i'm going on a blind date with kate upton i hope she's pretty you know yeah yeah exactly i hope she's got huge cans jesus look at those knobs what do you got for um Wait, let's hear yours Oh, those are my ideas Super Bowl Oh, right, alright, yeah, that's great Here's another quick one, this is the stupidest joke Give me another

PETA wants you to stop using animal slurs like pig or chicken And I said PETA's getting a little squirrely Alright There's your tweet, folks. Now we're getting desperate. How about this? Nike has unveiled their first hands-free shoes.

I said, not hands-free for the Chinese boy who sewed it up. All right. We're moving on. Not hands-free for the Chinese. That's strong. Uh-huh. That's good. All right.

You got a bit? I had one other that was like a riff last night, but it was just like a riff on the Super Bowl. They were like, Mahomes or Brady? And I said,

well, it's basically the, you know, it's basically the 2008 election. It's a cool young black guy versus an old white. Ha ha. Oh, that's good. Good connection.

Off the cuff, it killed. I don't know if I'd be- That's a great connection. Let's see. Yeah, give me a bit that you're working on Well I feel bad because I'm two weeks in a row with a trans bit But I think I got something here Okay Chappelle

It's pro It's pro I'm fucking around But I think I got a big angle here And I did it on stage last night and it worked, but it's still wonky. Okay. This sounds like a trans person talking about their piece.

I've got a big angle. It's wonky. Yeah, it still works. I think you'll like it if you give it a chance. Please. All right. I think you'll like it if you give it a chance Please Alright so

Trans women are now playing sports With biological women And dominating And a lot of people are upset about this And it must be how white guys felt in the 40s When black people started playing Like we can't allow this we'll never win again It's unnatural

That's fucking great right and nobody gets hurt now you know it's not really you can't really get offended by it yeah what's her name jack robinson that's not a fucking woman right right they're not the same as us jacqueline robinson hey that's good i like that um jesse owens could be both genders. That's a great premise. Needs more, but I think that's the... By the way, two of these that I've pitched on you that you helped me with are working now. Hell yeah. My friend had a great idea, Eric.

He said we should shoot this and then shoot the bit working on stage. Ooh, that's fun. Yeah, his idea. Yeah yeah i love it um i mean we've been doing this for years i know my my idea was on um have you seen the documentary the brooklyn 75 i love it it's about the most corrupt precinct in new york history it's hilarious first off i love documentaries that are like people who just clearly it's like the odessa guy clearly have not learned their lesson like they're reminiscing about this shit like it's still cool and they're like would i change anything nah and you're like you're an unemployable divorced loser like you

wouldn't change anything but so basically for the uh for the fucking bit was that uh they they're talking about the uh precinct and they're like, it was the scariest precinct ever. Anyone would have been scared. It would have scared Clint Eastwood. And I'm like, oh, you mean a 97-year-old actor? No one would have fucked with us. Not Dustin Hoffman. Not Meryl Streep.

No one. That's great. That's great. None of the police academy None of the police academy Steve Guttenberg Steve Guttenberg The sound effect guy

The sound effect guy That's great You couldn't say Dirty Harry You know Exactly Clint Eastwood That's hilarious Made me laugh so

An old man who wears makeup And goes to a set Yes Yes Exactly Fucking adorable Clint Eastwood by the way That's hilarious. Made me laugh so hard. An old man who wears makeup and goes to a set. Yes, yes, exactly. Fucking adorable. Clint Eastwood, by the way, still fucking kicking, man. Incredible. I know, I know.

He looks good, too. He looks great. I saw a movie with my ex-girlfriend. She was like, he's kind of hot. I'm like, all right, take it easy there, Dilfie. He's a handsome man. Handsome man, great. Just like a, what do you call it? Tight skin.

Like, you know, a lot of old men get that loose skin. He's tight as a drum. But the guy who directed 7-5 also directed Operation Odessa and The Night Stalker. Wow. I just watched Night Stalker on your rack. Oh, yeah. Tiller Russell. He's fun.

That motherfucker's creepy. They're just dead behind the eyes, man. They're just like, you're like, this dude's got nothing back here Nothing, nothing And again, pre-DNA They were going off a shoe print Fucking crazy Yeah, it's hilarious that like They find a fucking

Like a boot imprint And they're like, we got him That's how fucking primitive Crazy I know, and people were tough back then Like, it's like that's how fucking primitive you did crazy i know and people were tough back then like it's california in the 80s or whatever some guy gets shot in the face and chases the dude out yeah i think you're just in shock and you're just like right this motherfucker but that was i there's that one part where they're like yeah if i got chased by a dude i shot in the face i'd be scared too and you're like yeah i guess so

yeah good point good point And I love that these cops are chasing him for years Literally years And then a fucking dude on the street Beats the shit out of him with a lead pipe I'm like yeah a little street justice You see these kids though It's like we should fuck it

There should be like tests for kids Who would look deranged like that Cause like you're dead behind the eyes at like seven. Yeah. Yeah. There's gotta be some sort of treatment and rehab because like, you can't just let that kid keep going. I know.

I know. But what are you going to do? Hey, Hey, uh, the teacher comes on the loudspeaker. Uh, Hey,

Billy Johnson, you look fucking creepy. Can you come in here? Like, how do you regulate that? You throw him in a cage. He lives like He drinks water

Like a guinea pig Out of a bottle And you poke him with a stick Until he fucking snaps out of it I don't know I think we're doing it Out of the border But you know

I like that my idea Is the worst idea Trump ever fucking had I'm like This is what we do Right We separate him From his parents

We put him in a cage Exactly No but these kids Really need like They need help Right We separated from his parents We put him in a cage Exactly No but these kids really need like They need help And then also you're like They were saying like every fucking idea Like every bad thing that could have happened Happened to him

Exactly Isn't it kind of cool though And this is going to sound horrible But much like a superhero origin You know this guy was a He got hit with radiation or gamma rays And he became the Hulk and this is going to sound horrible, but much like a superhero origin, this guy got hit with radiation or gamma rays, and he became the Hulk. If you do the negative version of gamma rays,

they will become a villain. Yeah. Does that make sense? No, I know what you mean. Without fail, your best case is going to make them emotionally fucked. Worst case you're creating like a fucking super villain Yeah yeah Super villain and best case comedian

You know molesting beating You know all that shit They used to keep them in a closet for a day I mean all kinds of shit Or best case serial killer worst case comedian There we go Either way you get on Netflix The shitty serial killers They have to self-produce their documentaries

They're like, it's on fucking YouTube This is bullshit That joke of yours I remember when I first heard it At the Fat Black, sitting on the stairs I think you were running it for a cordon oh yeah that that's such a great joke about the serial killers are there serial killers at home watching serial killers on tv going this guy sucks yes that's so good what a

great angle i fucking yeah i fucking yeah they're watching pissed off Like we are Like this motherfucker I'm a way better murderer than this guy Right Two kills I've been doing this for years Yeah What a hack I was watching that with Vecchione And we both went

Damn Oh, Mike's the best The best Another underrated guy Mike Vecchione You did a track on his album, right? Yeah, yeah That took so long

I know That was a nightmare We both lip synced You did a track on his album, right? Yeah, yeah. That took so long. I know. That was a nightmare. We both lip synced a track. I've never done this before. It was really hard. You're like, fuck, this is hard. But Mark and I both lip synced a track for Mike Vecchione's.

It's for the Worst Kind of Thoughtful, his album. Yes, yes, exactly. Incredible album. Great album. Both of his albums. That one and Muscle Mem No Muscle Confusion Muscle Confusion

They're both great But I think I think Worst Kind And Thoughtful Even took it Because it had that 10 minute Megabus bit Where you're like

Fuck Oh That's poetry He's a beast By the way Not to get too 80s But Whenever something

Is really good We say Oh it's poetry But poetry sucks nobody likes poetry but yet everything's like oh the way he swings that golf club it's poetry well i think poetry at its best is incredible all right at its worst and that's kind of what comedy is ah good point good point you know at its best you're like fuck i'll hear a great song lyric and be like That's poetic

But if I But you hear like bad music And you're just like Ugh Like this is Yeah Bad anything But like especially comedy

Is Yes Bad music You can kind of tune out Bad comedy Bad magic I feel like Oh

That's just sad You see a He's like a 48 year old guy He's divorced And he's doing like The rings He's trying to make he's doing the rings. He's trying to make four rings out of two, and they fall apart.

And you're like, oh, this poor guy's family left him. You're in Vegas at one of the C rooms, which we've played. But wait, you had something there that I wanted to. Oh, shit. Oh, when I was in college, I took a trip to Chicago with my girlfriend. I was like, oh, let's see Chicago. We've never been. And we went to an improv show at Second City. It was unbelievable.

People shit on improv all day long. There's a lot of bad improv, obviously. But when you see good improv, it is, I mean, it's poetry. It's unbelievable. It's poetry. It's so good. That's going to be a catchphrase for the pod. Do you remember, did any of the guys go on to be big?

Because that's a big Chicago improv. So many of the greats came out of there. Farley, right? Mike Myers. I think some did. Vince Vaughn. Yeah, yeah. I think some went to the Groundlings and then worked their way up into movies and stuff like that.

A lot of sitcom-y stuff. I don't know their names. But, I mean, these guys were, I was on the edge of my seat, my jaw was on the floor, like, how did they think of that? That was so quick. That was brilliant. You're lost in the scene. You feel like, you know, we're on the moon now. And you felt like you bought it.

It totally worked. And everything, I would shout out a thing, they would run with it. It was amazing. And then you see some improv in a black box theater in Manhattan, and you're like, I want to kill myself. I want to eat a bullet. This is the worst I've ever seen. I'm cringing. I'm shitting blood. I hate this. That's such a funny, that'd be a great improv name, eat a bullet. I remember I did a gig in Chicago once and there's that old, I forgot the name of it. I think the show is called Paper Machete, and it's at an old Capone bar. You've done this before? Yeah, it's like-

Yes. Yeah, yeah. So I did that gig, and it's like a classic, cool-ass fucking old Capone bar. Yeah, it's green. Outside is green. Yes. And it's right by the L, the train. Oh, I did that room

It's got a wraparound A roundish bar I'm looking it up right now What it's called The Green Mill That place was amazing The Green Mill Green Mill

Chicago Fucking Maybe that'll be our backdrop For one of these episodes Classic Classic And Scott Adsit From 30 Rock

Did improv Before my set And he was fucking hilarious He was really really good Oh Yeah mine was a burlesque set and he was fucking hilarious He was really good Yeah mine was a burlesque thing and I was the comedy It was so cool And Matt Bronger was there as well it was fun Chicago guy love Bronger

Yeah and Scott Adsit though you're like Fuck this dude he's so funny on 30 Rock So it's just cool to see him fucking around I love that I love that It's like when you see like Bill Burr pop in on a bar show you're like oh yeah yes we should also plug the patreon man a lot of we already got almost 200 people we just started it's a patreon comm slash we might be drunk pod and then we also have a new email we change the email because we change the name of the pod so it's now we might be drunk at

gmail.com join the patreon we'll read your emails your pet peeves your wrecks all that shit we also got it we got an ad we got to do yes oh it's might we might be drunk pod at gmail so thank you harry we might be drunk pod at gmail uh you know pet peeves wrecks jokes put it in the subject we'll read it on the pod uh you know your drink wrecks maybe we'll do i i talked to someone after jokes, put it in the subject. We'll read it on the pod. You know, your drink, Rex. Maybe we'll do. I talked to someone after a show. It was in the show on Stretch Factory.

And someone said, we should do a drink. Like, we should take drink Rex from. That should be an episode. Like, they choose what we drink. I was like, that could be fun. I don't know. I would love that. I mean, I like trying new shit.

I feel like I've had the whole range on alcohol. So if you've got a new idea throw it at us we'll make it and joke premises are great one-liners yeah you name it so bring it on in and keep uh listening to the pod give us a five-star review we love you guys we're grateful for you guys uh you we're having fun doing this so i'm glad that you guys are enjoying this Subscribe on Spotify, on Apple Watch on either Mark or my YouTube channel Watch our specials on YouTube

And stay safe And we appreciate you guys Yeah, I can't believe we both had Bloody Marys I loved it, perfect That's like a day drinker pro move Yes, yes, exactly Get a little flavor in there and a little sustenance That's a a day drinker pro move Yes, yes, exactly Get a little flavor in there A little sustenance That's a vegetable, right?

Alright, we'll see you next week And subscribe to the Patreon and you get a second one Comedy