We Might Be Drunk - Ep 90: Tequila Soda

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

The couch is empty this week. Classic with just the guys.   Don't forget Bodega Cat is available now! http://www.BodegaCatSpirits.com We got a new shirt store: https://www.bonfire.com/store/gotham-... Join us on Patreon: http://www.Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod   Find Mark and Sam on the road! https://www.sammorril.com/shows http://marknormandcomedy.com/   Visit www.betterhelp.com/Drunk for 10% off your first month.   Support the show and get $20 off your first purchase with the code DRUNK at https://Fanimal.com   Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code DRUNK for 20% off.

Hey folks here we are WFRQ Cincinnati no just kidding we might be drunk we're here what do you got there I got a peeve already at look at this shit oh it's overflowing the lip balm overflowing yeah it looks like a prolapsed anus over there coming out of that. This looks like the start of a dog dick. Look at this. The old lipstick. This is brutal. The Red Rocket. Good movie. Good movie. Yeah. Great app, by the way. Simon Rex. If you haven't heard the Simon Rex

app, one of my fave apps. But nothing worse than when a dog dick or a cat dick gets hard. Yeah. That's a day ru day ruiner yeah it's really it's really gross it's gross the dog just spread eagle that thing's pointing at you yeah and then you just start sucking it yeah so gross weird tastes like you can't help yourself i know but hey that's uh it's a whole different summer. What do we got here, Peters? Yeah, tequila summer.

Ooh, Reposado. Nothing wrong with that. Nice summer drink. I got a bone to pick with tequila. Yeah. So everybody was telling me, you know, five years ago, I'm like, ah, my hangovers are bad. They're like tequila and seltzer with a lime. No hangover.

Get the clear stuff. Goes down easy. I'm hungover every night. Now I've switched to vodka. That's really good, though. It's good stuff. Yeah, I'm not a big tequila guy. I thought you were always a tequila guy.

I love tequila, and I still like the taste, and it's my favorite shooter. But vodka to me, the hangover is better. Mine was Dylann Roof. Dylann Roof. Dylann Roof. By the way, not my favorite. John Wick. Really, if we're breaking it down. Way better shooter.

Gotta go fictional. Yeah, yeah. What about Lee Harvey? Lee Harvey. I mean, he had one shot and he nailed it. One shot. Just like Eminem. Yeah, yeah.

Mom's spaghetti all over that back seat. Sorry. Poor Onassis. She was holding his brains. Ugh. Damn. Maybe the first hot first lady. I thought you were going to say a hot load of brains all over her hands.

That was the first Bukkake. She was a hot. Is she the hottest first lady? Where do you rank her as hot first ladies, Mark? Well, nobody wants to admit it, but Melania is the hottest. Yeah, I think so. Hands down. I think Michelle's in the mix yeah you don't think so i think people give her a pair a couple extra points i think she's hot i think melania is probably one where's jackie i put jackie over over uh michelle

michelle's got the best arms oh my lord that's wild she is hot look at that that's a how about that milf on the train on the way here with the arms oh my god we's wild she is hot look at that that's a how about that milf on the train on the way here with the arms oh my god we fucking we looked at each other we looked each other quickly and then didn't waste any time and looked back at the milf yes yes oh my god she's very greek jackie jackie is hot dude she's hot her dad's a an oil tycoon yeah franklin onassis or some shit that that hair is not helping her. She's got the Hillary. Well, yeah, it was hot in the 60s, that Bob. Not a big fan of the Bob.

No, no, no. Most attractive first ladies. Oh, jeez, come on. We're going back to Victorian times here. Laura Bush. I did hear that Nancy Reagan was a real Hoover. I did hear that. That points to it. To bring it back to president. real Hoover. I did hear that. That adds points to it.

To bring it back to president. Laura Bush. She's got Bush. What happened to Barbara? Barbara Bush looked like a regular lady one day. Then the next day, she turned into a where's the beef lady. Yeah, what the hell? She ended up looking like fucking the coach from Rocky. What the hell happened overnight?

Melania is too. All right, all right. Michelle's not bad. I take it back. Michelle's good looking, man. Great cheek right. Michelle's not bad. I take it back. Michelle's good looking, man. Great cheekbones. Michelle's an attractive woman. She is an attractive lady.

Her hands are bigger than mine, but she's an attractive lady. Yeah. It's not scoring you any points in these handjobs. No, no. God. But Melania is hot.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Although Melania, I feel like they all have things that turn me off about them First off, Michelle's got too much to do I feel like she'd always be out doing shit Like side projects Whereas Melania would be doing side projects

Where I'm like, we're selling jewelry in the Hamptons again I know Come on I know, they always have to have a cookbook Oh wow Melania's hot That's her? There's a porn star who looks just like her

Who might have the best porn body out there i can't think of her name there is something about uh i mean how often do you think she and trump actually fuck when's the last time you think they actually fuck not that often but jeez look at the cans on uh ivana is it ivana it's ivanka ivanka ivana fell down a staircase who trump's wife is Is that right? Yeah. Oh, I thought that was an abortion joke. No, she died. She died?

You didn't know that? No, no. She fell down a staircase and died. Holy hell. Which is, look, let's be honest, like tragic, but also you lived in a pretty nice place in Manhattan if you had a staircase. Right? That's true.

The only way that's more first world is if like a butler pushed pushed her and right right a pomeranian fed on her remains once a dog has human flesh it can't go back you gotta put it down really in fact yeah damn i ever tell you the old story what story my dad was just became friends with his old guy in the neighborhood and he would go over there and like kind of feed him lunch every day because his wife died so my dad would like go hang out with him to be nice so one day knocks on the door the old guy doesn't answer and he's like oh maybe he needs some alone time maybe he's in the shower knocks on the door the next day nothing next day a week goes by and he goes you know what i'm going

in there who knows what happened to this old guy and he's pushing the door in he has keys door won't open like unlocked but won't open there's something blocking he's pushing the door in he has keys door won't open like unlocked but won't open there's something blocking the door push the door open corpse blocking the door damn dogs had eaten it wow what kind of dog what what kind of dog was two dobermans damn yeah so uh they had to put them down fuck oh yeah i, yeah. I made the whole thing up, but a hell of a story. At least they got their last meal. Yeah. It's very important.

Yeah. Yeah, what are you thinking? Last meal, prison. It's a tough one. You know, I don't even want this, but for some reason lobster mac and cheese just popped into my head because it's covering a lot of food groups. Good point. Good point.

You're getting like some seafood, but also some cheese in there. I mean, my gut says steak probably. what do you steak freaks probably hey that's not bad yeah that's not bad well part of me is like i want to go something give me a slow cooker you know maybe a brisket just because it'll buy me a few more hours you know i think they're getting it pre-prepared i don't think you get the extra ten. Alright, good point. How about... I'd go back to New Orleans. I'd get boiled crawfish, seafood gumbo, crawfish etouffee, shrimp creole, something like that.

Just to go back to the roots. Yeah, you got a local hero. Yes, here, here. It's like, sure, he murdered twelve, but he had gumbo. Right, right. I'd get some old black lady in New Orleans whose restaurant is struggling. I'd be like, black lady in New Orleans whose restaurant is struggling. I'd be like, you cook it.

Maybe get a little publicity. Hopefully she knows voodoo. She puts a little pin in the guard's neck. He's like, fuck, it got me. Mark breaks free. Exactly. I like, yeah, steak is tough not to go with. I do love a good seafood.

Ooh, apple pie for James Dean. That's what he said. They were asked what their death row meals would be. Whoa. Good one. Grilled cheese for Sinatra? What? That is such a disappointing answer.

Interesting. Although, you know what? I will say grilled cheese is comforting. It's comfort food. It's never not good. It's never not, you can't fuck it up. Can't fuck it up. It's a rainy day with a tomato soup, maybe a dip.

Woo. That's a great combo too. The tomato soup and the. I mean, that's dip. That's a great combo, too, the tomato soup and the... I mean, that's childhood. What else? Classic American cuisine for Abe Lincoln. That's it? A little vague.

A little vague. You don't want to leave that up to interpretation. They could come in there with a ham sandwich. French onion soup for Julia Child. She knew her shit. Yeah. Breakfast of champions. What is that, Wheaties?

For Napoleon? I think these are what they ate right before they died. Oh, not what they would choose. Death by dessert for Elvis. Damn. I know he was a fan of the peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Yeah, they do the Elvis burger at some places, which I've never really had the balls to. No.

To order figs for Cleopatra. They were probably exotic in Egypt. Braised pork knuckle. That sounds like a sex move. Bourdain. Bourdain was, yeah, what did it say? A braised pork knuckle with horseradish, surveillance sausage, and sauerkraut. Well, that does sound delicious.

Don't you want to be international? Like, these guys are like, oh, I was in Prague, and I got a phone call that my wife fell down the stairs and died, so I got to go fly out to meet her. Like, I wish I was, like, a jet-setty. I'm not, you know, you got to be rich, but, like, wouldn't you love to be, like, oh, Sinatra's like, I'm in London, but I'm coming back. Yeah, come fly with me when he wrote that song.

That was like a pickup line. Yes. He's like, I can get us on a plane. Oh, Iatra's like, I'm in London, but I'm coming back. Yeah, come fly with me. When he wrote that, that was like a pickup line. Yes. He's like, I can get us on a plane. Oh, I would love that. Come fly with me. And they're like, you have plane access? I know, because we're all over the country every weekend. Denver, Florida, LA, Portland, you name it.

But to have the world be your oyster like that. Yeah. You know, let's go to Monaco. I got to clear my head. The world is your oyster. Oysters, aphrod monaco i gotta clear my head the world is your oyster oysters aphrodisiac that's true is your oyster so is vagina here here something about oysters that is i mean it is kind of like eating a vagina it is you're in there you're slurping right right you stick your finger in yeah some smell worse than others. Some are a little briny.

I like to put my vaginas on a cracker, too. Put a little Ritz under there. A little saltine. A little horseradish. Love it. It's the best. And you know what? Kind of like an oyster, a vagina, it's always a toss-up.

Is it going to make me sick? Yeah, am I going to regret it later? Yeah. Could this be a bad idea? I mean, we are in Albany. Ah, ha, ha, ha. Right? Yes, and... As I reach for my coaster slash fake tit.

Hey, can't go wrong with fake tit. Can we use this as a coaster, you think? Try it. Or is it too risky? I think you could do it. It's like a beanbag chair for a drink. There you go. Shit.

Ah, maybe not. That's a sign of a good tit. That should be how you test it. Yeah. Can I hold a drink on it? No, sign of a good tit. That should be how you test it. Yeah. Can I hold a drink on it? No, that's a good tit. These tits rule, man. I know.

It's hard to not squeeze. It's a great gift. And she reposted us, this lady. Really? Yeah. Whoever she was. Lentil soup. Trey Parker's wife.

Lentil soup belushi? Ah. This is from Trey Parker's wife? Yeah. Isn't that right? Oh, yeah. Are you serious? Man, if you're listening.

Oh, the dream guest. We want Trey and Matt on this podcast. We're South Park. Hell, yeah. Super fans. Come on. We'd love to have you. We've seen all the movies.

We've seen the show. It's probably one of the last ballsy societal commentary shows out there. They're grandfathered in from the 90s so it's kind of like they they they're just they kind of get that pass which is awesome okay now here's a quick because a lot of people say well family guys south but they can do this horribly offensive stuff because it's a cartoon yeah it's animated what if we animated ourselves as a stand-up and just did crazy fucked up jokes like 9-11 holocaust all this shit uh rape race gay all these horrifying jokes but we're animated here's the problem no one wants to watch stand-up animated yeah i tried it here's where here's the closest you can come and i think

i get what you're getting at think of like a ventriloquist but that's kind of what you're saying the ventriloquist the dummy says the bad shit right that's like george yeah it's like that although it wasn't otto i think that he was the bad guy with that no i think the dummy was the dummy was a dick yeah well the ventriloquist dummy is the one who you know that's like the closest because no one wants to watch stand-up animated i don't think yeah i guess not that's a long hour it's it's already you're already losing something with it being on like a screen and not in person and then you're like taking another step away i think yeah yeah that's true you're not getting any facial expression you're not getting any real body movements no crowd you're probably right but

but i know what you're saying i mean and and south part takes it a level further words like it's kids you know what i mean they're kids so you're like it's adorable that they're dumb yeah and not just kids and animated it's horribly animated it's very primitive and they're you can't see their mouths really it's It's genius. Yeah, the best. You got any peeves or wrecks? Let me do this one as a peeve. Did a guy's podcast. I don't want to say he's a no-namer, but he's a young guy, and he asked me to do it, and I said, sure, and I regretted it, and yada, yada.

But I did it. Podcast is the new one night stand yeah exactly i'm like i said too much um but uh i did it and i'm on his podcast and he's going so uh you know the format huh i'm like no i don't know the format and he's like oh i guess he doesn't listen and i'm like yeah i don't i've never heard of this i've never heard of you why would i live this really is starting to sound like a hookup someone doesn't listen and i'm like yeah i don't i've never heard of this i've never heard of you why would i live this really is starting to sound like a hookup someone doesn't listen no i don't five guys in one night stands very similar both might ruin your life at some point yeah it's true yeah it comes back to haunt you yeah it lives forever uh so he was annoyed you

hadn't done your homework he's annoyed i didn't listen i'm like dude i'm here like that's enough yeah you're mad you're giving me shit and he was like i'm god i'm half joking here but i'm like i know i won't listen to this either like i'll still never listen so like just you give me shit it's kind of like with the comedian who goes uh the host he's like well what credit you want you're like i don't know just say netflix or whatever he's like oh somebody's been on the tonight show and you're like yeah i'm a comedian blow me you asked you asked yeah i I'm a comedian. Blow me. You asked. You asked. Yeah, I think the thing with the comedy podcast is like, do comics really listen to comedy podcasts?

I guess like some do. Well, there's just so many. There's so many. Like, let me pass up Marin and Rogan and all these other giant ones for this little guy over here that I've never heard of. Yeah, I do know some people who will listen to a little of an episode just to get like, all right, I'm doing this. Let me just see what the vibe is. But I'm not one of them.

No, God, no. I don't listen to many comedy podcasts. I have too much comedy in my life. I'm at the club every night. I don't want more comedy. Give me sports or the news. Give me an escape from comedy. I hear you.

Yeah, other things are good. And, you know, you listen other other things are good and uh you know you listen to a comedy stuff too much you can start mimicking and shit seeps in you never know so i get it but i do love a good good hour i i'll rewatch an old hour of people sometimes stand up yeah like i might not watch the whole hour but i'm like oh let me put on bigger and blacker for like 10 minutes you know classic man the big piece of chicken robitussin that damn i don't have six friends now that's three on three with a half pancakes pancakes or pussy yeah yeah no rock rock top of his game just murdering so good yeah like sometimes i'm like let me hear the first part of chewed up where he does the n-word uh cunt chunk

you know it's amazing. It's amazing. It's like a masterpiece. And I just want to see that part. And that's your opener. Yeah, it's your opener. Coming out the gate with some fucking heat. I remember seeing that and going to an open mic and being like, you know, a new comic around all these other new comics.

And we'd all seen it. We were like, can you believe that? That was incredible. It was a great time. It's also you have that moment, too, where you're like, what are any of us doing? I know. I felt that way watching Burr's new special. I was like, man, he's such a master at towing that line in a perfect way.

Yeah. Where he pisses everyone off a little, but you don't feel bad after watching it. He makes you feel good. Yeah. It's interesting to see an angry comic that actually gives you life. Yes. Yes. I was fist pumping because here's the problem with a lot of comics.

They'll have a good bit or whatever, but you're kind of going, I don't know about that. I mean, it's funny. I see what you did there. There's a lot of tricks. With Burr, I'm like, he's absolutely right. And that was hilarious. And it's hilarious because he's right. He hits all the holes.

He covers everything. He covers his bases. Everything he said's hilarious because he's right. He hits all the holes. He covers everything. He covers his bases. Everything he said is correct. It's gold. The new special rocks, dude. It's so good. Oh, I loved it. I loved it.

Red rocks, baby. Yeah, outdoors. Yeah, and it still worked. Because there's a couple outdoors ones out there that aren't exactly magic. But this one is killer. It's great. Mike Binder killed it. burr killed it yeah hour and a half i didn't get bored he does that whole mushroom chunk about like having an epiphany it

was it was fucking awesome i posted about it and burr wrote thanks man it means a lot i'm like means a lot what are you kidding means a lot you wrote back yeah he's the best and uh it's interesting man like hour and 20 something whatever yeah you don't get bored to hold your attention it's tough these days oh yeah oh yeah which is tough we never say that shit about movies movies are getting longer i feel they are it's strange yeah all we do is talk about like attention span attention span and then movies are like three and a half hour three hour 15 i'm like what are we doing? Every show just knows how to keep you watching too. It's like almost like that's like the medium now.

It's like every episode is like, she's the killer actually. And you're like, huh? And they're like, all right, I'll watch the beginning. And then you're like, oh no, she wasn't. We misspoke. And you're like, all right. But something else happened. Right.

They just drag. The staircase. We're going to have 12 hour episodes. You're like, we can knock this out in 20 minutes. I think it was like 15 hours. Was it 15? Right. They just drag. The staircase. We're going to have 12-hour episodes. You're like, we could knock this out in 20 minutes. I think it was like 15 hours. Was it 15? I don't know. That is bananas.

But it was so good, I thought. We need an episode for every step of the staircase. It's ridiculous. It was incredible, though. Yeah, it was pretty great. Yeah, I love that lawyer. He's the man. The owl theory?

Come on. The owl theory? An on. The owl theory? I mean, an owl killed the woman? That's what they're saying? If you haven't seen this show, The Staircase, the woman fell down a staircase and died. He had two wives who died that way. One was Ivanka. That would be crazy if they started dating right before.

Oh, my God. And he's like, again? That would be crazy if they started dating right before oh my god he's like again that would be hilarious um no two wives which is like you did it you killed you killed them that's too crazy no doubt a coincidence you're either the most unlucky person on the planet no it's this is the show you're pulling up oh see but they made a tv show about it that's how big of an impact that yeah but the one we're talking about is on Netflix. Yeah, yeah. It's like a docuseries.

There it is. Yeah, but they say it's an owl theory. Like a woman, she got hit by an owl and then fell down the stairs. It's like, all right. I mean, this lawyer's got balls. I'll give you that. I know, I know. The owl.

There's no feather. There's no nothing. We brought in a surprise witness. It's you. It just turns out who's on first. Hey, that's not bad. Who's on first with two owls? 13 apps.

13 apps. But I will say, making a murderer dragged. For me, this was really good all the way through. I thought it dragged a little, but it was good. I'll give it 94%. Some say it dragged. Others say it fell. I don't know.

But no, it was a great show. It was beautifully shot. Yeah, it looked great. True crime. That's my number two, I think, ever. Number one, Jinx. Number two, Staircase. This is two, huh?

It's incredible. It's beautifully shot. Oh, wow. Only 78 audience score. I thought it was it was oh that's the show oh yeah what do we got for the actual for the other one yeah that's better 82 is good see i preferred night stalker to this but i think the story was more uh more compelling it was a guy running around killing people this is one guy and his wife two wives two wives night stalker that guy was a fucking creep no maybe it's called something else because it came out like 2021 or 2020

netflix no i know you're talking about that hispanic guy in la yes yes robert rodriguez richard was it richard ramirez richard ramirez the other guy's a director yeah yeah he murdered a bunch of women but he did make Desperado, which is pretty cool. Yeah, he put Salma Hayek on the map. How about, yeah, I love the grizzled detectives on these shows who are like, we were going to find this sick fuck one way or another. Yes. And it became my mission.

These sleepless detectives, all they do, like, you just think about their poor families at home. I know, I know. Their daddy, when he played catch, he goes, I'm looking for the Night Stalker. But it was a different time. It was back, like, the wife would, like, you never see your family anymore. He's like, shut up, whore. I got a badge to protect.

He becomes a Night Stalker. She just keeps nagging him. Shut up. It was a different time. It was, like, 1970s San Francisco. What a great, like, the Zodiac Killer. It's such a great moment in time. It really was a different time with all these murders.

I mean, I think about the pre-DNA shit. It's like home runs in the steroid era. It's not even fair. You're just putting up numbers. And I'm like, but they're inflated. That's a good point. They are inflated. Yeah, these guys had no roids.

They had no internet, no forensics. Remember that Mullaney's old bit? What was it? He's like a John Dillinger back in the day. He's like, these cops were trying to chase. They couldn't find him. He's like, how did they do it? There was no DNA.

He's like, the head detective, sir, there's a pool of blood in the other room. Gross. Now, back to my hunch. I was thinking of the one how they used to, like, shoot a... Oh, the bullets. Were bullets free back then? Yeah, and you just say it was, we did it, you know? Yeah, the Dillinger gang.

Whenever I see, like, Peaky Blinders, like, that's how they rob you. They're like, it was the Peaky Blinders who did it. And you're like, that's how easy it was to get away with shit. Yeah. You announce the gang you're in. That's hilarious they rob you. They're like, it was the Peaky Blinders who did it. And you're like, that's how easy it was to get away with shit. Yeah. You announced the gang you're in. That's hilarious. Tell everyone. So true.

Mulaney. Mulaney. I got to peeve. I got to peeve. Let me see what I got. I'll tell you what. Please. How about a toast to tits?

Yes, tits. New segment, toast. Here, here. We do a lot of peeves. We should be spreading some positivity. New segment idea, a toast. I love a toast. I'll give a toast. Not just boobs. I'll say this. Positive energy. Always have

positive energy. You're easy to be around. Hey, I'll take it. Thank you. Wish I could say the same. No, I'm kidding. But no, I try. I heard say the same. But, no, I'm kidding. But, no, I try. I try. I heard a quote once. You wouldn't bring your bad breath around someone.

Why would you bring your bad attitude? And it blew my mind when I heard it. I was like, yeah, that's true. Yeah. Because people will come in. If you go, you got bad breath, they go, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. They're so embarrassed.

But if you go, hey, you're being a dick. They're like, well, fuck you. You don't know what my life's about. You're the best. And you're like, all right, all right. So treat it like the bad breath. Be ashamed of it. That's a good point.

It's a great ad for Listerine, too. Your mouth stinks, and so does your fucking personality. Work on it. We should do commercials. We really should. We could have a side biz. We could. Oh, yeah, toes.

Toe tits. Toe tits. I want to say this. As you age, the smaller the tit, you're finer with. Well, I think when you're growing up, you're like, big, toes. Toe tits. I want to say this. As you age, the smaller the tit, you're finer with. Really? Well, I think when you're growing up, you're like, big tits, big tits. Oh, my God. You know, Baywatch, all this shit.

And as I get older, I'm like, I like a small tit, a big tit, a medium tit, a no tit. Well, you're marrying a well-endowed woman. Ah, you got a point there. So you are. I mean, this is bullshit, I think. Maybe. But I mean, look, I'm in porn, and I used to be like, oh, where are the tits? Come on, who's this little boy?

Get out of here. I want some cans. That was my computer. And so, yeah, now I'm like, yeah, look at these great little guys. I don't think the same goes for dicks. So you type in your browser, little guys. Hey, little buddy. Give me a kid with a catcher's mitt, damn it and a big lollipop um no not

celebs who have wait what was the headline celebs man you're crushing it by the way a toast to peter she's crushing it on the fucking computer at all times the one in the gotham studios 11 celebs who prove having small boobs is seriously hot all right let's see we'll tell you if you're right yeah paris hilton i mean tell you if you're right. Yeah. Paris Hilton. I mean, yeah, you got to give it to her. I think she's underrated as a sexy lady. Underrated?

I don't think she... No one ever was like, Paris Hilton's sexy. I've met her once. Of course she is. She just oozes sexy. Yeah, dude. Oozes. All right.

Well, this is weird because they just... They're just hot women. They're just hot women with clothing. Yeah, Natalie Portman. What a mixed bag to be on a list like this. Can you imagine celebrities who prove having a small dick is actually kind of cool? Well, there's a whole TikTok trend now. Oh, Rihanna is so hot.

Rihanna is so hot. There's a whole TikTok trend of women who like small dicks. Really? And I'm like, where was this when I was a kid? Not only are you kids banging teachers, but you're also rocking a small dog and getting praise for it? I was getting laughed at. Dudes with tiny dicks shamelessly sliding in. Yeah.

I mean, who gives a shit? All right, all right. These are like tens. What are you talking about? Yeah, these are hot women. What do I have for a peeve? Also, I need to see the tit. These are just women in clothing. But that's another show. Here for a peeve? Also, I need to see the tit. These are just women in clothing.

But that's another show. Here's a peeve. You ever have that friend who's like, they have too much pride to apologize for the shitty thing they did. So now they just over-apologize for other meaningless things. Oh, interesting. Well, they do something really shitty to you, and then they're just like, oh, my God, I'm three minutes late. I'm so sorry. What are you doing?'s like oj he murdered

his wife but we got him on the on the clothing scam you know we got him on the merch memorabilia yeah the memorabilia it's a memorabilia apology yes exactly you cut your wife's head off but we didn't get it same with al capone al capone the murderer gangster but we got him on tax evasion and syphilis and syphilis and ended up killing him yeah that's it is something that bugs me when the the friend like they've done something shitty and then now he does it all the time right oh i really messed up on this thing i was like no that's not the thing that's not the thing yeah i mean i think girlfriends do that you know they're like you left the dishes out again you're like jesus Jesus, all right. What are you freaking out? But you actually, you know, fucked your sister or something.

That's what's really going on. That's an extreme. Either way, you wish you could have scrubbed this whole thing clean. Yeah. Here, here. Her sister's name was Dawn. But all right. All right.

Yeah. So that's a good one. Yeah. That's very relatable. The guy who does horrible shit and then apologized for the little thing yeah i'm apologize for the fucking felony here yeah well where you at on the uh lending a guy money asking for the money and then he gets mad at you i mean it's where am i at it's it's insane behavior okay okay what are you talking about who's who's

siding with that guy other than that guy i feel like this is a common trait in people i lent this guy a hefty sum and then years went by and i go hey any uh luck with the finances and he's like jeez you piece of shit what do you chase back i'm like well i mean why am i the bad guy i gave you money and now i'm the bad guy for bringing it up oh i mean i think you gave him too long a leash by giving him years yeah you might be right expected the money back i did i said i'd like you to pay me back he goes i'll pay you back i swear to god i'll pay you back and now he's like giving me vacation photos yeah i might kill his wife i'm in cabo st lucas are you kidding me exactly and then he'll be like oh hold on geez let me see what i got he gives me like a 20 i'm like i'm not trying to nickel and dime you here i want the fucking the lump sum what a fucking prick yeah he's a prick damn is it a comic no no no it's an old friend from new orleans damn yeah but you know then

they start going like oh well i saw that neck flips half hour that must have paid pretty good it's like yeah it did i i earned that you come stay come stand jesus christ come stain's a good insult i like it i'm trying to bring it back come stain jizz rag anything like negative jizz related it's pretty fun yeah come guzzler come good although my dad he got me pretty good he said i wish you were come stain wow no i'm joking but uh good insult pretty pretty pretty good for a dad to say to his son what uh yeah man that's a peeve any other peeves no that was all i had i had those those two the the payback i was gonna save the payback for a later guest all right but i might have uh might have blown the load on that one but i'll i'll have something else happen within two hours um yeah i'm sure i'll annoy you i got a

wreck for you give me a wreck are you guys watching this show, The Bear? I hear it's amazing. It's pretty great. You're always a little ahead of me on shows, I think. I think it's because you're in a relationship. That's what it is, yeah. Yeah, you guys were watching the full catalogs. You guys had seen everything.

But this is like, it's so well shot that I had to Google the guy who's doing it. That's when you know a show is good, where you're like, this is incredible. He also did 8th Grade. He did the cinematography on Dan Soder's HBO special. Wow. And a couple other great things. Some people call him the bear. And they're actually on Christopher Street.

Yeah. So, really cool show. The acting's great. It's almost like an Uncut Gems, where you're just like, oh, God, it's so tense, so stressful. I'm freaking out. And I worked in kitchens. Or not kitchens. I worked as a waiter.

So, I was a restaurant guy for like 10 years. So, it brings you all back. And you're like, how has this never been made? There's a show about the life of a waiter and the kitchen staff and the dishwasher and the management and all the infighting. And it's got like the coming home element too. Yes. Yeah. So what's the, yeah, it is shocking that a show like this has never really been made.

I mean, they need the movie waiting, I guess. Oh, yeah. Very different vibe from what it looks like. This is gritty. Yeah. And I mean, FX will do shit like this every once in a while. I feel like FX is a little up it's own ass sometimes When they post their things like FX

Fearless I'm like shut the fuck up It's like when a comedian's like I'm edgy You don't say that if you're edgy You just make the shit Fearless oh you bought all the Simpsons what a risk Big gamble on this brilliant cartoon we all love But yeah this is like

I mean just that shot You can see they put time into it, and it feels like real art again. You're watching art on TV, which is so rare now. They have made a lot of good shit, FX. I mean, the first couple seasons of Fargo were great. Louis was obviously a great show. Yes. I'm missing, I'm justified as a classic.

I heard Wilford was good with Elijah Wood. I never really gave a shot. I never did either, but I heard it was good. It was always on after Louis, and I was did either, but I heard it was good. It was always on after Louie, and I was like, I'm good. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like when you're watching SNL as a kid and the Apollo comes on. You're like, it's 1 a.m.

Yeah, when I was a kid, I'd watch cartoons, and then Donahue would come on. You're like, ah, I'm good. But yeah, really cool show. It looks great, and the premise is so good. It's this kid in Chicago, inner city his brother owns a restaurant brother's an addict shoots himself in the head he became a culinary genius moved to new york to work in you know these fine dining french places and then the brother dies so he has to go operate the restaurant back in chicago so it's a huge step down it's all these ragtag misfit cooks you know they're all

uh it's like a basically a diner and he's trying to make the diner kind of snazzy and they're all fighting against it and it's it's pretty great oh abby elliott's in it yeah it's uh i'm looking forward to seeing this show i hear it's great uh you're i want to see the fourth or fifth person to tell me and i've seen articles about it and uh i'm gonna watch i also heard the old man on fx is really good with jeff bridges and john lithgow i never heard of this yeah it's supposed to be pretty good old man huh but uh i mean hey man they're fearless they yeah that that's exactly what networks don't want an old white man and they put him on the old man that is pretty fearless i heard the original site was the old straight white man they really went for it yeah but jeff bridges you can't go wrong oh john lithgow too man oh yeah

heavyweights but uh yeah man it's supposed to be is that good rotten tomato scores like audience and critics let's see what they got oh 84 90 i mean this is gold yeah yeah i mean it looks solid um i'm always looking for a new show to watch. I'm going to watch The Bear first probably. TV drama is inherently flawed because they have to make up these – they have to keep getting more ridiculous with the scenarios and the conflicts that the show tends to suffer. So it's hard to make them good for a long time. Right.

Absolutely. These writers today are pretty great. But, yeah, no, I heard it's – I heard The Bear is awesome, man. good for a long time right but absolutely these writers today are pretty great but uh yeah no i heard it's uh i heard the bear is awesome man it's fun it's fun you feel like whoa i'm watching something it's cable you're like i can't believe i'm watching something this good on cable sometimes i'm watching something before i go to bed though and those like panic attacky type shows yes that is the problem it's hard to be like it's not a wind downer, for sure. I got a good rec for you.

A weighted blanket. Ooh, I don't love them. I love them. My lady likes them. I don't know. Well, why don't you like them? I don't want any constriction in bed. I want to be flappy and free like a loose vagina.

I want to be all labia. I want to kick my feet out, put my feet back in. I want to be all labia. I want to kick my feet out, put my feet back in. I want to throw the pillow. I want to be, what's the word, frictionless. I like a weighted blanket. It keeps you down, you know? Yeah, that sounds bad. Kind of like a straight white man. They keep you down.

No, I like it. It helps me sleep. Okay. You're not alone. They're very popular. My lady likes them. She's like, it calms me.. Okay. You're not alone. They're very popular. My lady likes them. She's like, it calms me. I'm like, calm.

Yeah. Improves sleep quality. I do feel like it helps the quality of the sleep. I know what you mean, though. Like someone breaks in, the last thing you want is like, hmm. Yes, yes, exactly. I hate that feeling. I feel like I've been a, one time I got rolled up in a rug when I was a kid, and you want

to kill yourself. You're like, this is the worst day of my life. You overdosed, and your friends were like, toss him. Like, not yet, not yet. Like, all right, all right. I was like a crepe. I was in there. I couldn't move.

A crepe. Yeah, it was brutal. I love the French drug addicts. He's like a crepe. Statutory crepe. I was stuck, and you're just so claustrophobicobic and you can just kind of see a little light above you. Yeah. Because that's where the hole is.

And oh, my God. Oh, man. It's like you're being reborn. Yes. Not good. Smelled worse. But yeah. And when I got out, they slapped me.

It was brutal. Now, a word from our sponsor, BetterHelp. You have to take care of your mind, folks. We spend so much time taking care of our skin, our hair, our teeth, and so little care of the most important body part, the brain. How well you take care of your brain affects how you experience life. Investing time and energy in mental health is crucial to being happy. Eating right, working out, and getting plenty of sleep are a good start,

but no substitution for talk therapy. Better help makes online therapy accessible, convenient, and affordable. We love therapy. It's good for you. Don't let those bags pile up. Everybody's got shit in their life. Everybody's got drama. You've got to make it work.

You've got to be healthy, and that's how you do it is talking about it. That's how you get it out. BetterHelp is online therapy that offers video phone and chat therapy sessions. You can choose to not see anyone on camera, and it's much more affordable than in person. You can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. We Might Be Drunk listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash drunk. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash drunk. Get on it!

We Might Be Drunk is sponsored by Fanimal. This is the summer you're going to go out and do shit. If you want the best price for the best shows this season, use Fanimal. Fanimal has tickets to everything with no fees. The price you see is the price you pay. For hot tickets to a Dodger game or Lady Gaga, Fanimal is always the cheapest option. Fanimal's group purchase makes it easy to get your friends together, set a size for you and your group.

You choose a number of tickets you want to pay for yourself, then invite friends. When the group size is met, everyone gets charged and receives their ticket. If the minimum size isn't reached in time, nobody gets charged. Don't commit until your friends do. Fanimal has amazing customer service. Don't take our word for it. Check out their hundreds of five star reviews.

The next time you need tickets, go to Fandomel.com and sign up with code DRUNK for $20 of credit toward your first purchase. Check out Fandomel and experience more. Fandomel. All right. Support the show and get $20 off your first purchase with the code DRUNK at FANIMAL.com. If you haven't already, it's smooth.

Oh, if you haven't heard already, it's smooth sack summer. The leader in below the belt grooming is making sure we all have a ball this summer by giving your pants partners everything they need to stay fresh i love this thing you gotta love the manscape performance package 4.0 it's got it all i use this thing on my sack i go around the base of the shaft you just want a little extra length and uh no better equipment than these guys. Manscaped did it right. They got a goddamn headlight on the thing. Yeah. And you can't nick. You can't cut.

I mean, there's a lot of veins down there and a lot of precious material you don't want to ruin. I just use it, man. I feel lighter. It's great. Yeah. It works. I had a fucking fro covering my balls. Yeah.

Big fan. Our pubes look like our hair, so it's not that different. And you need a real- I got sideburns, too. You need a real mower down there. The Lawn Mower 4.0 Body Trimmer and Weed Whacker Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer features proprietary advanced skin-safe technology to protect your delicate parts and holes. Both are waterproof, so you can shave in the shower. Come on.

Get it all out in one go. Manscaped even threw in two free gifts to their performance package 4.0, the Manscaped Boxers and Shed travel bag. Take a look at the Shears 2.0, a luxury nail grooming kit. I keep one in my bag all the time. This kit includes stainless steel, nail cutters, tweezers, and grooming scissors. No more scratching your lady in bed with those feet. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code DRUNK at manscaped.com.

That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code DRUNK at manscaped.com. It's smooth sack summer, boys. Get on board or get left behind with your hairy ball bag. I got another rec for you. All right. Movie. Colin Quinn rec'd it to me. It's awesome.

And I apologize if I'm doing... I don't think I've done this yet. Have I? You tell me because I definitely repeated a peeve. Yeah, same. I did one too. We drink on here. Yeah.

What do you guys expect? Sometimes I'm going to say the same shit again and again. And that's how you know it's genuine. If he said it twice, that means you really do hate it. All right, here's my rec. A weighted blanket. No, it's the movie Mona Lisa. Colin Quinn told me to watch it.

He's a big film buff. Not Mona Lisa Smile. No. Mona Lisa. I've never heard of it. Yeah, Bob Hoskins, Michael Caine. Oh, 86. Yeah, it's really good.

Some call it the British taxi driver. Whoa. Kind of a slow-paced guy gets out of prison, drives around a prostitute. Oh, Neil Jordan made it. He did like The Crying Game and a bunch of shit. Okay. Yeah, it's good.

It's a good flick. Is it a thriller? Yeah, it's kind did like The Crying Game and a bunch of shit. Okay. Yeah, it's good. It's a good flick. Is it a thriller? Yeah, it's kind of like a slow paced weird story about a guy driving around a hooker and you kind of slowly learn more and more about both of them. All right. And they're dynamic and it's a- British? It's a good flick.

All right, I'm down. It also just shows you what a different place British movies were than America's. If you made a movie about a black prostitute and a white guy driving around in America, that'd be like the whole movie. Yeah, good point. They'd be like, this is the whole thing. It's the racial tension. But in England, you're like, yeah, that's just who they are.

Right. That's why I'll check that out. It looks right up my eyes. It almost got a noir vibe. It's very noir. Okay. This is why Patrice O'Neill said in an interview, he's like, I went to England because in America, I'm a fat N-word.

And in England, I'm just a fat guy. So he's like, I don't want to be seen as black. I just want to be a comic. People are going up to him. You're fat. He's like, thank you. Yeah. Thank you.

Yeah. Then he comes back to America, JFK, like, hey, you're fat. You know. But he said he got good. Like, Elephant in the Room was from going to London. Wow. He did London for three years. Not to mention he was kicked out of about 11 comedy clubs, banned.

Wow. So he had to move on. He kind of got, like, canceled before the internet. Why don't we have a Patrice thing? We got to get it, Peters. We have all these passed on comedians. There's no Patrice we'll get one it'd be nice yeah he's also i gotta say you know i don't know when this is coming out but i mean jack knight it's horrible oh yeah that's crazy very funny guy funny guy talented gonna go super far already had a huge career i think he was

writing on big mouth for five seasons wow and there's clips of him being so damn funny on it like his character and he's 28 he was doing so well at 28 and he was just like a guy like i'm not gonna sit here and act like i knew him well but every interaction was just like he was just he just had a funniness about him yeah it was just in him certain people positive yeah yeah no i i only met him a few times and uh always nice cool first time i met him i was hosting a showcase in los angeles uh for like jfl or something and i'm hosting it it's a lot of young guys a lot of them aren't that funny he was funny and he was confident and he i mean dude he must have been like 20 yeah he was a baby wow he was funny and like immediately ball busting me and silly and i was like oh i like this guy yeah really nice guy funny guy yeah he was good i saw him at the stand

like a year ago and he was great did a netflix 15 with a lot of people we know like tim dylan and that's right and ian carmel and kate willard a lot of comics we know and uh damn and it was suicide yeah oh my god you never know what people are going through and i'm look here here's a little lesson is i'm sure there's a comic out there who he had beef with who i was friction and then look what could happen we're so petty and we we forget that like this is all so flimsy everyone's got something everyone's got something going on and you never know and you know uh yeah you don't know what people are dealing with. Right.

And also people you're friends with who are just silly at the club. And then they go home and you're like, you don't know what they're going home to. So I think there's so many comics I know that are like these like beaming forces of just nonstop funny. Yeah. And then they probably are exhausted. Right. When they go home. So you don't know.

And a lot of people think like, he got this. He's a writer on Netflix. He's got it made. But you never know what's going on in the head. Of course. Yeah. If you think money, fame, credits, you know, if you think that's going to turn shit around for you, like there is emptiness at the end of that shit.

Yeah. I mean, you got to find, and you can look at me and mark's tour schedule we're still chasing it nonetheless but no it's a dragon baby but it's uh it's a tragedy and he just had a new show on peacock which i haven't seen yet but i hear is great called the beat down with langston kerman and sam jay and i love langston yeah yeah damn great guy see he was working he was doing it and still still still you never know what's going on in that head. You never know. So, yeah, if this is too late when this comes out, you know, I apologize.

But we'll do something sooner, too. But RIP. Toast. Toast to Jack. There you go. There's your toast. All right. Now this is that weird moment in the comedy show where you have to seg back into material.

Let's do news. Let's do some news. Oh, good call. Hey. Good save. And squeeze a titty to get it light again. Yes, yes. Woman.

Oh, you go ahead. Woman buys sex doll for her husband that looks just like her as an alternative to having a threesome, as well as take the pressure off when she's not in the mood. pressure off when she's not in the mood the uk couple who earn a living on only fans and can earn up to 122 000 a month were considering exploring group sex but char had reservations and was worried she might get jealous damn now here's why i get a little fucked up with this because it's an interesting compromise the guy wants to have a threesome she doesn't so let's build a sex robot that looks just like you first of all why would you do that if you want to have a threesome now you're just fucking the same lady twice and secondly does she really look like her she's got the same dress and blonde hair that's it doesn't look like her and also like

how little do you move around that emotionless doll as your replacement? Ah, good point. How lifeless is your body during sex? Yeah, where you're like, I'd rather fuck this two-dimensional skin sack, whatever this thing is, over you. It's not a prize. It sounds like a punishment if you're just like, yeah, I'm not in the mood. Go fuck that doll. Yeah. Cool.

This relationship is really healthy for both of us but then she's like the guy's like i gotta tell you the dog is better head somehow the head is better i mean i think it's great the idea that if like they have a threesome and he just is all over the doll she's just like because that's always a woman's biggest fear that you have a threesome and you're more into the other person they bring in right that'd be great if she's just laying there he's just like fucking the doll like crazy she's like this is i know that would that would hurt yeah i don't know the doll thing to me what are we doing yeah it's a waste it's just taking up bed space put an oculus on your head and play a fucking video

game if that's real i mean that's not bad yeah i'd like to try that. The cockulous. That's the new game. There we go. Yeah. But yeah, that's silly. These people are dead inside. Man pushes peanut up Colorado Mountain. What? Huh? I wish this guy had a peanut allergy.

53-year-old Colorado man didn't crack under pressure as he pushed a peanut to the top of the 14,1 14 115 foot summit this week however he didn't use his hands to move the peanut along 12.6 mile route to the top of the mountain he decided to let his nose do the pushing this makes no sense to me i don't understand how this yeah what the fuck he pushed a peanut up a mountain with his nose for 12 miles. That's insane. It's funny because it's like one of those accomplishments that you tell people and they're like.

Yeah, yeah, right. It's not like a cool Guinness book. It's like, yeah, cool, you did it. But no one's going to be like, wow, that's a really cool idea. I know. You're just like, oh, you have that much time? You're that much of a loser. Good job.

You take this to the planner CEO and they're like, okay. Yeah. You don't want to do business with them? No, no, it's fucking weird. We're trying to get peanut eaters who aren't fucking weird. Yes. I guess in a weird way, he might be good at cunnilingus somehow. Maybe there's a tie-in.

Dips his nose in it. Yeah, yeah. Lady's like, all right, well, if you can do that for 12 hours, you can do this for 20 minutes, you know. So maybe there's that. He's got a better neck than I do, I'll tell you that. Yeah, the neck is impressive. But yeah, what a dork. Rhode Island, Duncan Donut says that accidentally ordered free coffee to white residents.

A company spokesperson said the offer was copy pasted from a similar offer in white plains new york but only the word planes was deleted so uh yeah just white free white coffee this is how hungry we are to like gotcha somebody like you just put white residents like yeah i supposed to put white planes you know what i fucked up yeah i could have put planes instead of white but it happened to be this way. Come on. Yeah. Apparently, they got in worse trouble on their electricity bill.

They accidentally copy and pasted white power. Got way worse. Yeah. And then they also accidentally deleted the word out, and they said, ah, it's a black. All right. the word out and they said ah it's a black all right dolphins recognize each other by tasting one another's urine the old r kelly flipper new research suggests that the ocean mammals have a unique sense of taste that allows them to sense friends and family members through piss and other excretions i'm really sick of people saying dolphins and humans

are so similar yeah they're always like dolphins have the most similar brain i'm glad i i eat dolphin how about that i'm glad i fucking eat you're not dolphin safe anymore you're eating that dolphin have you seen uh that documentary the cove yes that's fucked up the dolphin slaughter in taiji holy shit wait isn't that the one where they the the trainer jerks him off or is that a different one that doesn't sound like that movie at all oh never mind okay i saw a different dolphin movie no the cove it's like uh dolphin slaughter and they're like feeding to the kids it's got crazy sodium levels they're slaughtering these dolphins people are really mad about it oh wow it's funny you can get me on the side of any environmentalist if they make a documentary about it and then like two weeks later i was like yeah i need dolphins yeah why not bring

it on well why do we eat tuna not dolphin what makes a dolphin better than a tuna i think tuna is more nutritious right so that's it probably okay because we act like oh this guy's a monster he ate a dolphin but if it just comes down to nutrition, then. Well, don't lobsters have similar nervous systems to humans? Yeah, we put them in a pot and they live forever. Dolphin meat sees very high in mercury and may pose a health danger to humans when consumed. That's probably it. That's it, huh?

I don't know. It feels like there's some moral thing about eating dolphins. But if it's just a nutrition, because, I mean, a Twinkie's not nutritious either. It's known as a mahi-mahi in the Pacific. Early answer for a rather delicious fish known as the dolphin fish. Someone, who can you eat giraffe? Let me see that.

Ooh. I just want a yes or no. This is a problem problem with the internet to give you all these fucked up answers but whoever came up with that's higher that guy's higher than giraffe pussy that guy needs a high five i love lines like that we have no idea who thought of it yeah you know there's a million like even the first guy to go is that clear crystal like somebody had to think of that and we just don't know who did it. A toast to the people who thought of things. Yes.

The unsung heroes. The unsung heroes. Yes. So, giraffe pussy. I'm sure you can eat anything at the end of the day. Like, if you ever watch that show Alive, these people are out there in the middle of hell, and it's like Alaska, and they just start eating squirrels and nuts and berries. Squirrels. They're eating, like, one guy ate a bunch of slugs. Feels like a lot of work. Yeah. it's like alaska and they just start eating squirrels and nuts and berries squirrels they're

eating like one guy ate a bunch of um she was like a lot of work yeah through all that hair and i know like a bushy tail and stuff and yeah it's probably pretty gamey yeah it's gamey yeah you know what's cute about squirrels they hide acorns like they gather all these acorns and they hide a bunch and they forget where they all were and that's how a tree grows. Is that true? How cute is that? Give it a go. Wow, I did not know that. That's adorable. It feels like a Pixar plot. Have they not made a good squirrel

Pixar movie? Ah, that's a good question. Squirrels are kind of adorable. They're adorable. I mean, they're full of STDs, but that fluffy tail really saves them. And they're so quick. If they had a grosser tail, we'd look at them like rats, but that little fluffy tail really saves them. And they're so quick. If they had a grosser tail, we'd look at them like rats. But that little fluffy tail really. Yeah.

And in the words of George Carlin, wait. Estimates the number of new accidental squirrel trees planted each year range in the millions globally. Come on. Wow. But in the words of George Carlin, where's all the squirrel shit? That's like a great Carlin observation. I love this joke about how mice don't have shoulders such a dumb observation i love that oh how about uh patrice's bit about how he's like we feel bad we eat animals but we eat fish all the time because they don't have eyebrows they're not

like that's such a good point it's a great point eyebrows really help yeah well we know thanks no one's eating me. What about this? Oh, yeah, you're pretty hairy. You'd be like, ah, shit, I got another one. It'd be a lot of work to eat me. A lot of work. You'd have to shave it. Yeah, it's a lot of work.

Now, have you heard about this? I did, yeah. This is pretty wild. Comedian Craig Robinson evacuated from North Carolina Comedy Club due to gunfire. An unidentified man brandished a firearm inside the comedy zone in charlotte and discharged his weapon i mean this is a club we both play yeah you got that right great club great club but it's such kind of a vague i read the story and i was like was he in the room did he shoot did anyone get hit why did he brand a weapon what was his motive there's no

information on this story yeah something's missing and then craig robinson said he went next door to the arena and played there and i'm like so you were lucid enough to go play a show the same night i mean wouldn't that fuck you up a little bit if somebody shot in your in your show i don't know something's off here yeah i don't know that's he appears in court okay i feel like we're missing a a step or something very strange but uh okay in lieu of events last night we'd like to thank all the amazing people that work day in and day out blah blah blah is going to take a short breather. Okay. All right. That's a hell of a closer. Pulling a gun out.

I guess Craig Robbins has got new merch now. Hey, get the gun shirt. Andrew Tate in hot water again after telling women to stay home. Oh, this guy is just like a provocateur. I don't know who he is. He's one of these internet guys who's like, women should be in the kitchen and let the man do his job. And the woman is the subordinate. He's one of those types.

I don't know. Yeah. There's always one guy like that. What's the clip? I don't see it. Can I play it? He's trying. What would you do if I was going on a girl's holiday every other month? I haven't shut that down. I think it's trying. So, does that mean the women are? Correct. This is what I'm saying. Agreed. No, no, agreed. Agreed.

It's not what reality is. We agree. We agree. No, we don't move on to the next question. No, we agree. We agree. You're right. They're going to try and you're not going to let them.

I agree. If I walk out to the car park, it doesn't matter how good the locks are on my car. If someone's trying to break into my car, am I going to let them keep trying? No. No. It's disrespectful. It's mine and no one comes near it because it's mine no one's gonna try and steal it for me to put it in a place where people

are gonna try and steal it is nothing less than irresponsible my female is taken care of and has a fantastic life she does not need to go on holidays can make an awesome be a hoe on some random table some random table because her friend met some dude on tinder no stay home stay home interesting i don't just don't know why he's getting so worked up i mean like he says all Don't think Tinder. No. Stay home. Stay home. Hmm. Interesting. I just don't know why he's getting so worked up. I mean, like, he says all that shit in a calm voice. It's not making headlines, right?

Yeah, probably. I mean, it's not cool. But also, like, yeah, comparing a woman to your car. Right. It's like there's a lot. Like, we're basically just calling her an object here. Yeah, yeah. Boop, boop. Yeah, that's true.

It's tough. I mean, I don't know really the context of what he was saying, but I think he's just that guy. There's always one of these guys. Like, remember the guy, what was that book that went viral that everybody liked? Oh, Tucker Max. Not Tucker Max. The other guy. Like, how to, like, nag a woman.

Oh, the game guy. The game. That guy like, nag a woman. Oh, the game guy. The game, that guy. And it's all bullshit. It's like, you got a peacock. I'm like, I've seen some losers in fedoras. I don't know if that shit works, dude. That's true. I think this works for you.

But also those dudes, like, I've seen dudes try to follow that shit. And I'm like, you just look like a tool. I know you're getting laid. But, like, you've sacrificed who you are. Yes, yes. They're wearing sunglasses inside at a casino they got flames on their shirt and they're like oh they got a weird soul patch you know and a chain wallet for some reason and they're like hey whore get me a drink

and she's like what you're like this is your thing now you're gonna be this guy come on what's up with that shirt oh this shirt oh i didn't even realize I'm wearing it. It's cause you're so hot that I'm on fire now. Exactly. I know. Cool. Um, and their whole life becomes like, like slaying puss,

which look, I get it. We all like a good clam, but also if you got a thing going, like put all that time into playing the piano or, or writing a book or something, you know, into a career or a

hobby i just think it's gross when people reduce women to their body parts there we go tits toast um yeah no i the mark's right these types of dudes are always uh it's like a vibe it's like a thing he's like this is who i am yeah um this is my audience it's like yeah your girlfriend is a night i don't get so it's like she can't go on vacation is what he's saying without him i don't i don't get it i think so yeah because somebody's gonna try to bang her a la breaking the car i mean look we all have trust issues but i mean it's just like what do you what why the passion like why like it's to me i'm just like oh this guy's been hurt in this way yeah something, something's going on.

That's what I hear. I don't know. Needs a hug. Maybe mom wasn't around. You always hear about daddy issues. What about mom issues? Those exist, too. Oh, yeah.

Mom issues. This guy might have mom issues. Mom issues? I feel like we talk about them, though. It feels like a magazine I would buy, too. Mom issues. Hey, what's going on here? Mom issues.

Hey, what's going on here? Denise Richards showcases her cleavage in racy red lingerie as she continues to promote her OnlyFans. Last month, Denise Richards launched her own OnlyFans page after her daughter, Sammy Sheen, started one. Oh, shit. Wow, so instead of telling her daughter not to do that, she's like, I'm in. Yeah, you can't beat mom here, you know. I created your ass, and I can also out-tit you. I will say, I mean, you never know where life's going to take you.

I had such a crush on Denise Richards as a kid. I mean, I remember being like, oh, wait, does it tell you how many followers they have and stuff? This is Denise Richards OnlyFans page. We're on here. I've never seen this. I've never been on OnlyFans. I mean, either. This is exciting.

Yeah, Denise Richards' Wild Things. I mean, Starship Troopers. I remember all that shit. Of course, of course. Charlie Sheen's wife there. Charlie, if you're listening, we want you on this podcast. Yes. Everyone immediately start commenting on Sheen's Instagram right now.

Come on, we might be drunk. Tag at we might be drunk so he knows what you're talking about. Everyone go to Sheen now. We've been trying to get Sheen for a long time. Oh, yeah. We'll take Emilio Estevez also. Whatever you can get us. But we want Sheen.

Now, who would you rather? Would you go mom or daughter here? Jeez. They're both very attractive. Both very attractive. I'm going to say neither out of respect to us pursuing Charlie at some point. Ah, but is that Charlie's kid? Yeah. Oh, it is?

Sammy Sheen? Oh, jeez, I didn't see that. Okay, that makes sense. No, it's Martin's kid. What are you saying, Mark? I got to go mom just because, I mean, look, if you've been with Sheen, you're going to be an animal. I mean, there's no way she doesn't do anal. They're both beautiful women.

Both very attractive. Both gorgeous. I don't love the younger one has a bit of a, oh, I'm innocent. Is this okay? I like the mom. She's like, let's go put your balls on my forehead. Seasoned. Seasoned.

Yes, and my balls they're they're salty sorry i like i like a vet yes yeah give me a vet i support the troops yeah here here all right sammy that fun only i know a couple ladies on only fans who i'm friends with and i'm like part of me i could just go online and and i can see a nip yeah yeah yeah i don't know i mean this is people are making crazy money on this shit it's a very interesting time hey don't objectify women hey we're all equal hey i'm not an object but check out my only fans where i show every uh body part for money it's a very very strange world we're living in. Well, I will say there's something very, you know, my body, my choice about it.

That's true. How could you be pro-choice and against this, right? I mean, I will say that, like, you know. Well, no one's getting hurt, I guess, is the argument. No one's getting paid off their abortion. Yeah. I made $120,000 last month on abortion fans. I've actually paid for a few abortions. Oh, yeah, not getting i didn't get any yeah neither she she actually lost something

but yeah good point all right well hey good news good news brother denise maybe i'll get on only fans who knows do you have to pay per? I've never done it. Oh, you got to pay per. So you really got to fall in love with somebody and want to see it. See, if it was a buffet, that'd be different. Here's what bothers me about it in theory as a consumer. If you went to a strip club, you leave. The only fans, you never leave. You're always there, right?

You can always just log on. They have your credit card, yeah. I mean, it seems crazy. I don't know. That's true. Wow. Wow. See, this is female privilege, by the way.

Yeah, who are the top male earners? I want to see. $3? Mia Khalifa. I can watch her for free on porn. Cardi B is on there? Whoa. Cardi B?

Bella Thorne. I've heard of her. Wow. Pia Mia. I wonder how their agents respond they're like what are you doing yeah and they're like give me a cut please yes please give me a cut because i'm i'm subscribed wow who are the top men on there oh interesting bella thorn isn't she's very attractive yeah she was on Bill Maher's podcast. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

He was all over. Club Random. Yes. Okay, people. All right. Why would you have kids? Okay. The best Dunnigan, Kyle Dunnigan.

Oh, my God. So good. That guy is underrated. Oh, yeah. Well, this is a new low. We've just sunk to Matt trying to hack into Only into only fans are you trying to see the men yeah we're really fucking up your browser history oh yeah i love matt's wife coming in like what the fuck he's like it's not what you think and she scrolls back a few she's like you want to have a threesome with a sex robot that looks just like me? He's like, no, no. All right.

Well, I think we've got to wrap this thing up here. Should we do a bit or something? Oh, we should do a bit. Yes, for sure. What do you got? Here we go, baby. Pulling out the master list. And hopefully Bodega Cat is here any day now.

Yeah, we got a nice text today. We might have to just open the episode with the push. What do you mean? Like we'll just add something you know oh okay yeah yeah uh oh shit i got that amazon thing you saved me on that bit really yeah your angle was the one that worked hell yeah just about how amazon i was like isn't weird that adopted kids don't have reviews and then i was like amazon man you're like it should be amazon should get into the adoption game. And that took it into the right direction. Sweet.

But hold on. You got something I'm still looking. I had one I think could be something. The other day I saw a guy peeing in broad daylight just on the street. And this woman walks up to him and she goes, what's wrong with you? And I was like, what do you want, like an answer? You think this dude is going to be like, oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

Like to me, I'm like, who's crazier, the crazy person or the person who thinks she can communicate with the crazy person? It's like you see that person on the train. It's almost like a guy's just like, ah. And she's like, keep it down. Right, right. Keep it down. Yeah, it's weird to ask a question you can be like hey get out of here sicko or hey you pervert hey you piece of shit but to ask a question like what are we doing here are you trying to get to the bottom of this yeah yeah

yeah do you want an answer is funny and also like that guy the guy you think he knows he's not supposed to like he doesn't care regardless you think think he's going to pull his dick back in? He goes, I had no idea. I'm so sorry. Years ago, I was at Broadway Comedy Club, and no one was looking. And I was so broke that I opened the cooler, and I stole a bottle out of it, like a beer bottle. And I was drinking. Some guy goes, like a worker, was like, what are you doing?

You can't steal that. I'm like, yeah, I know. I was like, I thought no one saw me. Also, every other club doesn't charge us for this you're the only club that's trying to make money off comedians having one beer i had to steal it yeah it was bad we used to get lit up at caroline's for free i remember that oh those were the days baby old fashions yeah i think i think you got something there because it's so relatable like what is wrong with you my i don't live around here, and I got to piss. It's pretty easy.

It's like that James Smith joke. It's like, well, why do men cheat? Oprah is like, why do we want to fuck other chicks? I love James Smith. I miss that guy. Simple answer. Nice and easy. I think it's because we want to fuck other chicks, Oprah.

All right. I've been trying to crack the code on this bit, and it's missing an element. Yeah, hit me. Sometimes a joke is just missing an element. Yeah. So I talk about how my dad, he's kind of out to lunch. He doesn't give a fuck or whatever. People are like, is he proud of you?

And I'm like, I don't know. I want to do this whole thing about how dads don't really care that much. He's a good dad. He was a provider or whatever, but that's why there's no fathers getting strung driving. You know, we got moms getting strung driving. Shouldn't it be fad? Isn't it weird that there's no fathers? Like, how did that go down?

Like, the wife is like, we got to get together and help these kids. And the dad's like, hey, that's a great organization, honey, but I've had 12 beers and I got to get the car home. Maybe the dad says, all right, you drive. Yeah, that's a great organization honey but i've had 12 beers and i gotta get the car home maybe this is all right you drive yeah that's not bad i think it's you know yeah i hear what you're saying i think i think it's a great premise this is an old premise of yours i remember you bringing this up to me once so there's not enough there i don't know it's funny like the idea that uh i mean i feel like men just drink and drive more right i just feel like that's like i could be totally wrong on those stats what do you think is that crazy i think it's something about like

a guy will be like like i'll be like i'm i'm thinking like how kids were made i'm like i bet that guy came over drunk or something right oh that's interesting like guys just think of their high points drinking and driving. Yeah. Like, I made it to this chick's house and I fucked her, you know? Yeah.

You don't think of the lowest. Uh-oh. Is this new or is this a joke? Oh, no. Hilarious. Wow, that bit's over. Fuck. No, I think you can save it by saying,

you know, there's a father's against drunk driving, but you never hear about it. You never hear about it. And why wouldn't they combine? Shouldn say it by saying, you know, there's a father's against drunk driving, but you never hear about it. You never hear about it. And why wouldn't they combine? Shouldn't it be parents, pad? Isn't it weird that. I think maybe that's the joke where you say. They're rivaling.

You have a guy on that. They're like, yeah, yeah. You know, there's a father's against drunk driving. They're like, why don't they combine? They're like, we don't know, but they are getting crushed. They're raising no money. They're spending it all on drinking. Yeah, yeah yeah exactly because the moms we've all heard of mothers getting drunk driving no

one's heard of fad wow and why are there women in there oh those might be the kids it's just weird those are separated shouldn't the parents come together on this and maybe the angle is like there's nothing else like that. There's no organization where a mom is like, we got to stop. These kids are doing heroin. The dad's like, I'm out. But with fathers getting drunk driving, it's somehow they are out. Mothers against date rape.

We're like, we're going to do our own. You don't want to combine? They're like, we'll see who wins. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's the angle. Hey, why are we separating fundraising yeah why why are we reducing it like some woman's like can i join they're like are you a father yeah yeah it's no it shouldn't be by sex yeah i don't know there's

something there something there i'll play with it i'm gonna i'm gonna a good point where i got like all the stuff i need to get working and then I have no new ideas. My new shit sucks. Hard to work on new stuff in West Palm Beach, I'll tell you. Oh, I can imagine. Not a great... I mean, look, they were good crowds,

but I feel like I'd be killing for like 45, 50, and then around the 50-minute mark, they're just like... Yeah. I'm like, oh, you're done huh i know and they start late over there a lot i don't think that helps that doesn't help them the boo you can you can almost tell when the booze kicks in in a whole unit of people you know like the feature has a good set you're killing up top first 20s lights out and then it's just like that's how i felt when i was there and i'll be there in two weeks i had a great time but yeah

that is definitely the it's hard to work on shit in florida it really is they get rowdy yeah and they don't like an unpolished bit you gotta come at them yeah i feel like tampa is like the only place you kind of work on shit but like miami orlando fucking uh jacksonville you gotta bring the heat. You got to bring it, folks. They want to party. They're ready to go salsa dancing, and we're in the way. Anxiety sucks.

I don't have that. I got fake tits and cocaine. They're like, what? What is that? Yeah. I feel great. The weather here is awesome, and we do drugs. Oh, yeah. Should we plug dates hell yeah where

are you gonna be well make sure to get our merch at we might be drunk pod.com sign up for the patreon yeah we got some cool shit going on this tequila was good and uh we got a lot of great guests coming up a lot of awesome stuff tell your friends about the pod i feel like it's growing so quickly we got uh los Los Angeles added another show. We might add another as well. Bourbon Room, August 17th through 18th. Pittsburgh Improv the following week. Dania Beach, Florida.

Louisville. Irvine. Omaha. Phoenix. Lexington, Kentucky. New Brunswick, New Jersey. Oklahoma City. Springfield, Missouri.

Fort Wayne, Indiana on Thanksgiving. Wow. Glad I agreed to that one. Talk about dads not being around. That's a tough one. Kansas City, Tacoma, Spokane. A lot of, you know, when I see people getting mags at San Jose and SF, I'm coming, dude. I'm working on a new act.

I don't want to hit every fucking city quite yet. You got that right. I will be there. It's not because I don't like your city. I fucking love your city. Uh-huh. What about maybe a special, you got a ballpark on a date? September 1st.

Whoa! Okay. Netflix. Wow! special you got a ballpark on a date september 1st whoa okay netflix wow peter's jaw hit the floor that was adorable all right all right well geez way to sneak that in at the end just like a pinky in the pooper came out of nowhere and like a pinky in the pooper, it was nice. Well, yeah, that's exciting. All right. Tune in, folks. I mean, that's right around the corner. August is going to fly by, and here we are. Don't remind me, bro.

But you got a little time to start polishing up that pissing on the street bit. Kill me. No, you'll be fine. The crowd, they get it now. The audience is so comedy savvy, they know what's what. All right, I'm at the Comedy Connection. We already added shows, so get those tickets. We're at the West Palm Beach Improv.

We just trashed it. Portland, Maine at the Aura. Back with Bert in the Fully Loaded. Brandon, Mississippi. We've got a make-up date. Richmond, Funny richmond funny bone red rocks amphitheater with burt some kind of brewing company and bake uh terabor terambler terambler what does that say peters temblor oh temblor okay it's in bakersfield california it looks like yeah that be interesting. I've never been to Bakersfield. San Jose Improv, the Danforth Music Hall in Toronto,

Royal Oak, Michigan, I'm actually with Jeff Ausmus on that one, Rockshin Theater. Just got passed to the cellar. Hey, Mazel Tov. Killer comic. Great comic. We'll follow Jeffrey Asmus on, it's pronounced Ausmus, but it's spelled Asmus. Yes. On Instagram.

Great clips. Funny guy. Revolution Hall in Portland. Pantages in Minneapolis. Neptune. Vogue. Joy. New Orleans.

Vancouver. Seattle. Portland. Boston. Philly. Nashville. Come on by. We might be drunk.

Say hello on the road. Buy a shirt. Get on the Patreon. Check out our specials. And congrats. September 1st! Thank you. Thank you. We might be true.