We Might Be Drunk - Ep 91: Tom Papa & Martinis

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

The always classy Tom Papa joins us in studio this week. Breaking Bread with the king of sourdough himself. We talk food, comedy, and Jerry Seinfeld! Check out Tom's stuff on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzOidAJzuiZ8GnVxie-C-sw Find Mark and Sam on the road near you: http://marknormandcomedy.com/#schedule https://www.sammorril.com/shows Get some shirts: https://www.bonfire.com/store/gotham-production-studios/ Join us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Support the show by going to sheathunderwear.com & use promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order. Support the show and get up to 34% off some sweet new metal art with the code DRUNK at https://displate.com/wmbd?art=6247414ceddb3 Support the show, smoke a cold one, and get 10% Off with the code DRUNK at https://TheFreezepipe.com

Hey, hey! Here we are, folks. We might be drunk. We're really doing it. We got cheesy bread, homemade. Sam's here. And we have our guest, Tom Pop, everybody. Hurrah!

Thanks for having me, fellas. Are you a bread snob? I know you eat a lot of bread. Yeah. Yeah, so you'll tell us if this sucks. Yeah. And you made this from scratch? Holy shit. You did? Good for you. know you eat a lot of bread. Yeah. Yeah. So you'll tell us if this sucks. Yeah. And you made this from scratch? Holy shit.

You did. Good for you. How long you been baking bread? Off and on all the time. Off and on? It's cheaper to buy it. Yeah. Is it?

And it's better. And what is in this? Sausage. Oh. And a lot of cheddar. Oh my God. Oh wow. Two cheeses.

I'm off bread. Why? This is good. Oh it my God. Oh, wow. Two cheeses. I'm off bread. Why? This is good. Oh, it's warm. Really good. Nice job. Would you... Anything with...

Once sausage hits, you're just like... Oh, yeah. What bread? You're just carrying sausage. Right. Good job. Would you say it if it wasn't? I would.

Okay. This is really good. I have no problem saying it when i saw it from afar i was like i don't know that crust looks a little pale oh but it's that kind of bread you nailed it and there's nothing people love more on podcasts than hearing chewing my whole podcast is about about eating with each other and hanging out, and anything crunchy, the people, I'm like, that's what the podcast is. Stop the goddamn chewing. Yeah, you wouldn't do that with porn.

All I heard was smacking. And you hear chewing all your whole life. You're sitting with people, you hear chewing. It's a big deal. Great job. Nice work. That's delicious, man. You have other, this is your go-to bread.

Yeah. Do you have like one bread that you've mastered and this is it, or do you fuck around with other breads? Anything with meat in it, I'm pretty looking forward to it. Can't go wrong. Sausage. So good. Oh my God.

Very good. Yeah. Now, how did you- Well done. You filled this market of non-gay bread maker lover yeah that's pretty rare it is very rare but you did if i was single it would really be a thing women are very attracted it's kind of a fireman thing like a guy who bakes i've never seen a baking calendar yeah you haven't been in my world for a while the fireman who eat bread it's a bacon calendar. Yeah. You haven't been in my world for a while.

The fireman who eat bread. It's a grocer calendar. Fireman with a sausage bread. So good. All right. Well done. You're right, though. You think fireman chili.

You do think of the cooking. Oh, that's true. You have a bit I love about how everyone's frantically working out. They don't eat bread. And you're like, you're three pounds lighter and you're miserable no one will ever know yeah no one will ever know yeah I was

uh I was at I can name drop I was at a dinner before Largo set for Judd Apatow's um uh charity show at Largo and uh we're at dinner and he's going on vacation in like two days and he really really really wants the chicken parmesan he like really wants it but he's like but i want

to look good on the boat i'm like judd you could have five chicken parmesans you no one's gonna know yeah it's not gonna in your head you feel swollen and fat and shitty but you look for the outside exactly the same and no one's looking at judd for hotness you know no offense but that ship is sailed except for judd like in his mind i guess right i guess so yeah former guest former guest oh yeah he was on him we actually didn't drink amazing no we didn't drink on that episode because we had burt kreischer on the day before oh god and he nearly killed us with his drinking did he really yeah we drank so much on the app and then he's like let's go to a bar we're like dude we're fucking dying three hours he cried he laughed he did everything it was it was a lot

is he uh is he i guess he's our Ron White, right? Like he's. Yeah, I guess so. Ron was like a so slip, a so. Ron was like a slow sipping whiskey guy or tequila guy. Bert is like a throw them all down. Party guy. The way Homer Simpson would eat donuts, that's Bert with alcohol.

Yeah. And Ron quit drinking. I don't know if you saw that no I didn't see so he's like his his crown is gone now I think it's all Burt so it's all Burt I guess this is like the wire season four yeah it's crazy wow because I remember learning that it was legit like that Ron was legit drinking like all through the sets and everything and I was like oh man, cause that's like you know Dean Martin like faked it you know like he started with it but then it was just like, but then at the end he was a real alcoholic

well then at the end we got really sad ah yeah they said Frank Sinatra spilled more than he drank, that was the old joke, right, but Stanhope still hanging is he still he's still going i mean what are we doing here beer today we're doing uh dirty martinis i'm assuming that everyone is a

vodka guy here right i like vodka yes there we go all right i think of you as like you're like an old school drinker uh-huh because you i see you in the top hat sometimes at the cellar there's always a martini so when you said you were coming in i was like we got to get martini yeah thank you very much that's exactly what i drink yeah i love it if everyone likes uh blue cheese olives then it's perfect time for it blue cheese olives yes absolutely bring it on oh i'm paul i need it we've done 78 podcasts today so i i need this drink. I like it pretty dry. Do you make them dry? Well, if it's dirty, I don't usually even use driver movement.

Oh, this guy's good. That's my thing. I think it should be one or the other. And there's two centuries of really intense, really knowledgeable bartenders and mixologists and then random viewers who disagree with me but i think it should be one or the other it should either be like olive juice or brine or dry vermouth right otherwise they're just like contending with each other and fighting so i get up your nose and it's just this like really weird taste in the it's like an old new york 80s thing

to do both but uh oh really no like it's like a steakhouse thing yeah i don't you know you got to really like that vermouth taste i when i'm at home i just rinse the ice with the vermouth and dump it keep the ice and then just go all the way so a good rinse is a good way to just start out but um i personally just like just like olive juice and i never like it shaken unless I'm doing just straight up, like with nothing in it. Yeah. Because otherwise, if you have olive juice or dry vermouth

and you shake it, it has like an effervescence and just comes up into your nose and bites you. You really just want it in your mouth and not in your face. That's what she said. Tom just turned so quickly to Margaret. You came up with a good martini app because the only other app I think we did martinis was with Chris DiStefano, and we did not have beer juice, so I'm pretty sure I was drunk enough to stir them with my finger. That's where the flavor is, man.

A lot of the old school bartenders will tell you that. That's where the flavor is. My dad used to get drunk when I was a kid, and he couldn't find his toothbrush, and he would do the... Did your dad ever do the toothbrush finger? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was a bad childhood. When you come up a little short,

and you got to fill the glass like you're doing now, same ice is good, right? You don't have to dump and go ice is fine honestly like there's not nobody's been in there you know yeah it's all good yeah i also have to compliment you i love the glasses because i hate when you get the small martini glasses and it's dripping over the edge and now i can't walk through a room right if i get bumps the drink is compromised yeah this is the right type of martini glass. Come below the rim. My favorite is for martinis and many other drinks in general is the coupe glass. In the coupe.

Oh, a coupe. But then if you're doing a coupe, then you got to leave the shaker with your guest. That's very true. Oh, like a poop shaker. That is very true. And I love when that happens as well. I mean, you might as well leave the bottle as well. They do that at Musso and Frank's. Oh, we tried to go there last time we were in l.a yeah so we the

three of us gotta go cheers cheers the old gang yes good to be back dude wow it's got a like a thickness to it that's so this is uh the brine from the blue cheese olives. It's a little oilier. I don't want to say greasy, but it's there. I love my martinis just filthy dirty. If I'm in an Italian restaurant, I'm saying make my martini like your pasta water.

Briny like the ocean. I want a dirty whore of a martini. This is a real whorish martini. Whorish martini. I want a dirty nun. of a martini. This is a real whorish martini. Whorish martini. No, no, I want a dirty nun, you know? I want dirty on the outside, or rather clean on the outside, dirty on the inside. There's no bite at all. It's like there's no that vodka sting.

No, if you stir a martini enough, there shouldn't be a sting until it gets warm. It does leave a little thing on your lips like you have chapstick. Yeah. It does. It's nice. That's what the bread is for though right soak it up with sausage bread you guys are really living you're like an old school you really do feel like an old school drinker to me you're like you're almost like an at a place in time yeah i feel like we all have a little of that right but like there's certain comics like a three maybe mulaney definitely has it that voice natterman natterman yeah you do feel like you could have been a comic today or in 1957 yeah i do feel that way i do feel

that way and that's why i'm starting to dress this way yeah i'm starting to go like with the like i want to be like the dad like i always think you have these images of what you are and i'm no i'm really the guy like at the barbecue when there's kids around just like taking out some money here you go don't don't tell your mother don't tell your mother you guys doing all right you're doing all right here you go here's a five for you here's a five for you so i'm trying to uh incorporate that and just kind of own it a little bit more it's definitely a don draper on saturday yeah we're charlie sheen on two and a Half Men. Either way. That's the danger zone. No.

I don't know if I want to. We praise Sheen constantly on this pod. We love Sheen. I mean, imagine getting him on here. I love Sheen, too, but I didn't like, he wore the socks with the big white socks. I don't know. Yeah, that was horrible. He was supposed to be the bad boy, and he had a stripe on each side.

I was like, whoa, he's wearing a bowling shirt and shorts who's the bad boy cbs what do you want him to do i know but give the guy a leather jacket or something i want to lean more towards rodney like in back to school yeah that kind of thing like the best that's like that's that's my role model rodney in back to school is is like a top five comic performance for me it's he's on the whole movie yeah yeah it's insane i mean every fucking line in the beginning oh you're impossible oh yeah and you're easy everything they just said do stand up in the movie yeah every line is just serving to set him up yeah exactly that's how we just all picture the world on some level of comics and then like everything is to like so and then he just wrote that movie yeah just walking in inappropriately

to every situation and then kinnison was in that one that's right kinnison is the teacher young kinnison yeah when they when they get in the bar fight i think of that line constantly drinking when he goes bring us a bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out. Then bring us one every 10. Classic. Come on. The king. So great. And then you start to realize when you look at his style in dressing and all that stuff, it's a lot of golf clothes.

Yes. It's a lot of, like his upgrade from this kind of a shirt is always a cardigan with a wide lapel. Right. And red slacks. And like red slacks, right. Or like plaid slacks. upgrade from this kind of a shirt is always a cardigan with a wide lapel right and and red and like red slacks right or like plaid that's so true yeah it's like golf obnoxious right like he's like the loud guy caddyshack that's what he is yeah same thing the barrette with a pom-pom thing on top for no reason but it works we were watching a caddyshack pointing at everybody hey we were watching caddyshack in the houston improv green room it was me and gary veder and i have a young guy named

de wood uh who's like 19 filming us and he's a kid yeah so we're watching caddyshack and we're laughing our ass off he's like this is so cheesy we're like you don't get it it's rodney and then he was at a certain point, he started laughing really hard, but like, that's Rodney's gift. Is it like, he will appeal to any generation.

Yeah. That was the, yeah, he was, I said something to, uh, Neil Brennan. Uh,

he was, he was talking about, uh, guys who made it later and everybody uses, uh, Rodney or Lewis Black is the example. Right. Guys have made it after the 40s.

Every time. Yeah. And Neil's like, right, so you're either Louis Black, this amazing writer, or you're Rodney, a living cartoon character. He really is. Dude, Rover Dangerfield was like less of a cartoon. Rodney as a cartoon dog was like less. Right. That was more subtle. Then Rodney in a cartoon dog was like less. Right, yeah.

Than Rodney in real life. More subtle. More tame. But also, you know, when you think about the energy that he had behind it and all, and then, you know, it was the era of Coke. Like people were doing a lot. When you think of how hard we work, and it's like show business fueled on Coke, it's like they were cheating.

You know what I mean? Like, we're doing all this straight, like, just downing coffee and trying to keep going, like, with espresso and stuff. Right. Rodney was doing rails and then going on to the set. That's true. And you know what I mean? I never thought about that.

It is the steroid era for comedy. Yeah, right. Exactly. Like, Barry Bonds, you're like, yeah, it's easy to hit 73 when you're yoked at your fucking – not easy, but easy but like you got an advantage also a testament how funny is because comedy got really cool then it was like carlin with the beard and prior was fucking awesome and you know robin williams was fun as hell and all over the room but rodney was just in the pocket suit on red tie but relentless relentless with

the jokes though like there was no it it was going to be by submission. You were just going to keep coming at. You ever have those times when you're in trouble, like at a corporate gig or some kind of weird room, and you're like, it's just like you know you're in trouble. This could go either way. And you just say, fuck it, I'm just relying, just rely on the act. Just pull it in tight and just keep it going. And then slowly you start to gain control just from the material.

Yes, yes. That's what Rodney lived by. That's true, but he never lost them is the only difference. We would use it to get him back. Well, as soon as he walks out, you're laughing. You're like, what is this? You're one of the smoothest at that. I think about you do believe in your material in a way like you have such polish i remember watching you once you hosted the greg giraldo benefit at the beacon yeah i

remember that gig and it was a kind of a hell spot you hosted it people were still walking in and i was kind of like oh shit i know tom pop is a killer but this is a this is like i'm nervous yeah because this is so bad and you just slowly slowly start crushing. Oh, really? And you weren't doing any tricks. You were just kind of doing your act. No, just hang on it. Yeah. Because that's what you got. And it's like to start calling audibles and jumping into,

especially in a room that big where there's no crowd work or other ways to get out of it. Yeah. Just believe in it. Slow down. And just, you know, the stuff's there. You know you've got it. You know it's just just believe in it slow down and just you know the stuff's there you know you've got it you know it's gonna it's solid yeah i used to hear those horror stories like back in the day the comedy cellar would have four people in it and even if it was empty you'd have to do your act in

case someone walked in so they would see you doing comedy and sit down and so you're acting to be so good that people could just slide into it randomly and that's kind of what you're saying you just have to be so good that people will just glom on you slowly right well you both work that way you guys are living on your material there's not oh yeah there's not you real faith in it and well-written jokes you know you've got really well-written stuff so but don't you get annoyed and frustrated when you're like ah now you're on board but you missed some gold back there but i guess you know it's like soldiers we have to like lose them early in the war to keep going it's you're a dude i'll listen to sometimes just because like i'll listen to an album because you're so we're very different but you're a joke guy so i like you know

you're doing bits about your family and stuff but you do family material in a way that's so it just kind of works for anyone i think it's so it i love your family and stuff but you do family material in a way that's so it just kind of works for anyone i think it's so i love your family material i love your bits about your kids why do you think that is why do you think it works for like 18 year olds at the laugh factory and because it's so it's just so honest like you paint a picture in a way that's just funny like you do a thing that burr does where like burr does this too. Like he'll just say the image and it's in your head and you're just laughing. Like you have a bit about, I think about a few, you've been mentioned on this pod a lot, but there's a bit I think about of, you know, you're talking about having.

I quote this bit all the time. Well, you have three daughters, right? Two daughters and a wife. And you're like, yeah, I always dreamed of living in a house with three people who hate everything I love. And then you, yeah, see, like just me retelling his bit is getting a laugh in here. And then you do the whole act out of like, you know, you're sharing the bathroom. They're putting their hand under the door. There's no escape.

Then there's the cat's paw that's under the door too. Like you paint a picture and I'm like, this is either happened or it's basically happened. Right. Yeah. You know, it totally happened. Yeah. I thought you were going to say the other one. This, I saw you do this at Bananas.

I opened for you. I don't know. What was that? 2009 or some shit. Didn't I drive you out there with my wife in a minivan? We went out two nights. First night was me and you. Second night, I think she was there.

Yeah. I remember when Mark was opening for you. I was like, holy shit, you're opening for Tom Papa? I was blown away. Yeah, bananas. You were opening in a side room of a Marriott off a highway? Yeah.

Couldn't wait. It was like Carney Hall back then to me. I was ready. Yeah. But you had a bit where you said, oh, I still think about it. You go, people are like, oh, my God, you got a beautiful wife. You got kids. How do you do it? You go on wife you got kids how how how do you

do it you go on the road all the time like how do you leave them it must be so hard you go well the hardest part is try not to whistle while i pack like come on it doesn't get any better than that that's gold that is the such a great whistle that's a joke that you just get i mean it's just like that's i think the thing is you just make it, you just make it feel so real. So it's just, I think that's why it's accessible. Right, right, right. I mean, don't you feel that you connect with younger audiences, older audiences? No, I always kind of, I don't know like the why of it, but I always feel like you don't have to be the head of the family to, you just have to have been a part of a family.

Right, right. head of the family to you just have to have been a part of a family right right you just have to have been a kid or a daughter or a son or wife like we've all know these from all these different angles and i do try and express it like from the kid you know like now i have this other this this newer joke that's like coming from the kid's angle so yeah, I think it's just, unless you're an orphan who never was raised by anybody, you should be able to get the jokes. Yeah. Cause even a wife can hear that whistle while I pack joke and be like, I get it.

I want to leave too. You know, it hits everybody. Yeah. And as, as, sorry, but as a younger audience member or a fan,

like, uh, just, you don't, you don't make it like it has to be like super you know you have to be there like you have to be a part of it it's relatable either way because you're never like huh you know these kids am i right you know like whatever but like you just like you said you paint the picture like and it's like relatable either way from any right

perspective oh yeah i agree yeah you're not you're it's not like, oh, my old ball and chain. It's not that type of material. You're saying it in a different type of way. Right, right. There's more vulnerability to it, where you're like, I'm almost a prisoner in my own house. It's almost that. So I gotta ask, as a guy who started in that era,

I mean, it was Patrice, it was Bill Burr, it was Norton, it was DiPaolo. These are like dudes, angry, maybe a little, maybe they'll throw some misogyny, just peppered on top. Whereas you're like a nice guy, married guy. Was that tough kind of navigating through those ball busters? But you were friends with those dudes as well. Yeah. We liked them as well.

Yeah. No, Geraldo is like my best friend in comedy but gaffigan was also a really good friend oh yeah he was kind of off on his own thing uh it was hard in the very beginning when i first like came to the cellar um and uh even the before well before that like the comic strip it was a little difficult because i just that's where i first showed up and i was very i was more actor-y out. I was broad. I was like, you know, I didn't have much.

I was just showing up, literally. Yeah. So I would act things out a little bit more. But I would kill. Like, I would do really well. And that didn't go well with the guys that were not like the guys, even the class ahead like the um like the louis and the kevin brennan's and all of that um they saw me like as not as a real comic but i was killing and you know what i mean and i did like there was a moment where i was like should i try to kill less like

yeah yeah which is such a messed up place to be as a comedian it's like they do to you yeah but that's what they do to you i was like should i just be like kind of like backing it off uh-huh uh but i couldn't i was like it was the only thing and i knew what they were saying like i knew what the impression like i was i was just i was trying i didn't have the material to just stand at the mic like i needed to kind of act it out a little bit more right and do that kind of a thing well those dudes are like a guy like louis probably working on like a new hour or something. He's trying to like, at that point, what was it? Well, it was before that.

It was earlier than that. And yeah, he was just mean. He was just straight out mean. Damn. Are you guys cool now or no? Yeah. Like, I don't really see him that much, but you know, he was friendlier later on. But yeah, back then he was, he was kind of a dick.

What do you think that, What do you think it was? I don't know. He wasn't Louie yet. You know what I mean? And those guys were kind of relentless of really believing their way was the right way or whatever. And then you have a guy, a fresh-faced guy who's up there acting stuff out a little bit more. And not of the New York pedigree of that thing and uh going up like you don't give a shit and like yeah which is totally cool but you don't have to go up to a young comic and be like i don't like you wow you know what i

mean like it was that aggressive damn and uh and i just kind of played it off i was like so we'll be best friends well it's weird because we all follow comics that we don't like following at times, but it's also kind of like, it's New York, man. Figure it out. I think that's the challenge, too. We're all trying to work on new hours. The cellar can be a tough place to work on that new shit because you're following some young comic who's bringing the heat. I'm doing new shit because you're following some young comic who's bringing the heat right and i'm doing new shit yeah and i'm and i'm like wow i i you know i got buried a little bit by some young killer there yeah you know you're following someone like daniel simonson or sam jay who murdered the other night right you know there's people just straight up murdering and i'm like yeah this is my freshest 15 i have yeah and you picture the audience leaving going, ah, that tall,

lanky, kind of ugly guy. Sorry. I don't know why they have to mention my looks at the end. They already insulted my act. You picture them going home like, he wasn't that good. And you're like, no, I can do it. I just saw New Stuff Night. That kills me.

So maybe it's that vulnerability of those those guys at the time and you just kind of like you know they want you know like we all when you show up it's they don't you don't just get to sit at the table like there's an initiation a quiet it's not said but you got to kind of win your way some one of the one of the one of the crew has to think you're good yeah and they kind of like all of a sudden just like welcome you in who was the first of that crew who welcomed you in um probably i don't know like kevin brennan like kevin brennan was like it was a brennan atel depalo you know patrice was just emerging but those guys were like the juniors yeah like we and then it was we were all that next kind of class

so those guys i mean i remember being at boston comedy club and waiting to go on it was like this monday night they had this amazing monday night thing where you had to go and like beg to get on and the regulars would come in this small place and it was like this it was really like a a hornet's nest yeah and it was intense and great and just seeing kevin brandon like walk in in a trench coat you know like just walking to the back in the shotgun oh fuck he's he's here you know what i mean and he was he was like he wasn't off the rails mean he was just old kevin mean you know right right and uh uh and it

wasn't you know and then a towel just like you know, and you think back, like they were just finding their way. It's like when you think of like your dad, like when you picture like, oh, he was my age when he did that. Like when you think of like Kevin, he was a kid too. And he was, it was a lot of bravado and trying to, they were the guys and finding their way and doing their thing. And I'm all, I'm all for you have to chip away and find your way in.

Louis was the only one that outright, right up to me, just gave me shit. And not shit like, hey, you're doing this. I remember these two comics in LA. I'll mention them off the air. And the one guy was crushing and came off and the other comic was like you know if you had really good material if you actually had material you'd be amazing and it was a total douche thing to say and the guy did not take it well but the guy critiquing him was like trying to say you're amazing but you need to just focus on the jokes

and you'll fuck you'll be unstoppable it's almost like a basketball player just like doing fucking ball handling shit and it's like take a shot dude shoot the fucking ball yeah yeah i know what he's saying i get that but yeah so it's like a slow creep like kevin was like one of the first guys who just like you know start talking to you in the hall it's like you know that kind of thing and then attell took a while how dark were things that kevin brennan was the warm guy yeah right exactly it was pretty rough and it wasn't like it was because like cellar didn't have crowds and you know that boston was like this rough place and you

comic strip would be great on the weekends and it was like comedy had fallen on its ass yeah when we showed up so it was like kind of this new kind of frontier in a way. And everybody was just kind of scrambling. So it was a little difficult then. But then going to the cellar for the first time, like back to your original question of like all those killers, mean killers, you know, Patrice and all of our guys. I did have a feeling like when I first got there like i was following a tell every night like oh she just kept putting me after a tell and i was like well i guess i've gotta like i don't know lean against the wall or like get a cigarette like how am i gonna i gotta be i gotta

try and be i was cursing more like and i don't really curse in my life but i was like right you fucking right and the audience was like what are you doing like you didn't even know me but you could tell like what are you what are you doing yeah yeah and it wasn't until i really just put the blinders on and didn't watch him or didn't watch anybody and just waited in isolation until my spot that could calm down that's good advice and not start the influence was too great of all of this stuff so i was just like just go be alone and then i could be authentic so then i could walk up and just be myself not knowing what happened before me just do my thing and not think of like where it fit like i wasn't it didn't matter that patrice or Bill Burr or whatever was going on

because I didn't really know what they were doing. That's good. And I was just doing my thing. And then it slowly emerged like Tom's getting up there talking about his girlfriend. Yeah. And it had to come from the outside. Uh-huh. Does that make sense?

How did your friendship with Greg start? He was the first comedian I ever saw. I walked into, on June 12, 1993, I had a bringer show at the New York Comedy Club, which was upstairs from this cowboy bar. It was like 5 in the afternoon, so it was light out in the summer. And I just called it from my apartment in New Jersey and got the date and brought my friends in and walked in. And the only other guy on the show, because it was five o'clock, was Greg.

Greg was just sitting there waiting, pale face, no beard, sweating, scared out of his mind, just like shaking. Like, how's it going, man? I'm good? Good? And I'm just equally as freaked out yeah and we just started talking and we both like liked each other immediately and we went up into this you know half-ass show it was my first set of my life wow and uh and uh we exchanged numbers quickly and that was it that was it i knew then that like i was going to be a comedian that was it that That was it. I knew then that I was going to be a comedian. That was it. That was all sewn up after that horrible five minutes.

And I knew that I have to attach myself to this guy because he thinks I'm funny. I think he's funny and this is going to be okay. Was it wild? Because he came up pretty quick. I mean, he just had it. He was just gifted. Yeah. Was it wild? But I guess you guys stayed together. I mean, he just had it. He was just gifted. Yeah.

Was it wild? But I guess you guys stayed together. We did. Toe to toe. So that must have been fun, coming up with a friend, like going through the ranks, 10 TV. It was like him and Gaffigan and myself, at least like in the New York scene,

we all quickly were hosting shows. Like all that Bringer stuff, you know, we quickly just emerged and started getting hosting stuff or like moving out of the bringer stuff and letting us get a spot and you know we all the three of us moved quickly and the one who was the biggest doubt was gaffigan really because because he was sticking to his thing uh-huh and greg and i were like i was really loud and moving around like crazy. And Greg actually told me, you know, you don't have to lunge when you tell jokes.

You could just tell him, like, you've got stuff. Just do it. And I was like, oh, okay. And Greg would kill. Did you bounce bits with Greg a lot? Yeah. You, like, workshop stuff? Uh, no.

But you'd be like, hey, this is good. But we'd tag stuff and that kind of thing. We never, like, sat and wrote together that kind of thing but gaffigan would just be like we greg would kill i would kill loud blah blah blah you know it's all pure energy and fear and then uh and gaffigan would get up and just start pacing on this stage like oh why is he saying that what you're doing and we're like you guys got to get it together like that guy is just he's he's going down he doesn't does he know he's bombing like wow and he just stuck to it he just stuck to his style and just stuck to it and then of course started

crushing with that yeah the rest is history that's what yeah but we all rose like quickly like you guys like from what i could but we all rose like quickly like you guys like from what i could tell from the outside like you would you guys and joe and like you just kind of like you were at the same pacing yeah just having friends like that like you had greg and jim i mean having mark and joe list and yeah the other people in our crew is like we had such a we had such a crazy talented crew like yeah i watch mark and list and you know all the people phil hanley all these stellar comics you know i'm just like damn he's got another new bit that's so funny you know we're talking about how like phil just would shit on us off stage in a way

that made us laugh so like having friends like that where you're like oh shit it makes you want to be just funnier it just makes you want to your act you're like i gotta put more work into my act yeah i know and then yeah and i had this thing where a girl i was with um her her father passed away and and uh i had to kind of like take care of her and i dropped comedy at like a year in you're like fuck i gotta miss a weekend of bananas yeah i wasn't even doing bananas yet like it was just it was just city spots i don't even know if i had a road gig yet and it was that it was that early like a year you know like when you're doing like one spot every two weeks kind of a thing and and um so anyway i i just started working and i just felt like i had

to take care of her and not do comedy i'm'm like, you know, it was all fucked up. Like she, I got to get a job and make some money and replace her dad. Yeah. And Geraldo called me every single day. I worked in a little ad agency and he called me every day. What are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?

Let's go. What are you, what are you doing? You got to come back. What do you do? No, I know. I just need,

you know, if I, if I just need to make some money, we'll make money let's go and he just every day wow and that's that that's like the real personification of what you're saying it's like you encouraged each other you're like even fucking around you're like you're pulling each other and pushing each other yeah at the same time and when you're that new those those days are essential you need every every spot. You can't take a week off.

You'll fall behind. They'll get higher than you. So you can't take that time off. So fuck that girl's dead. I'm glad. He was a cock block for comedy. But you know, Mark was another one where he was so hardcore. I mean, it's funny.

When you start in stand-up, you kind of are with your friends. You kind of go your own way for a while because you have to you have to go your own way but you stay in touch you you know but i have friends who like i started with and then you just kind of don't see them for a while because they're working the door somewhere you're working the door somewhere then you uh you come back together and it's like a moment hasn't even passed you have that weird friendship but yeah mark was so hardcore i remember mike lawrence was so yeah i mean mike if you don't know mike i love mike i used i i yeah mike opened for me a couple times and then i he wrote on a couple things that i was doing i just that guy was brilliant he's a machine machine like a savant yeah he really is he really is and he's just uh you know but he was a dude when I was like

holy shit this guy at open mics is terrifying whoever he goes up after they're getting torn to shreds I'm like you wasted your two and a half minutes just ruining a guy's night but then you know but then Mike starts getting success he becomes like he chilled out and he's such

a good writer. Like he was so fun to be around. And so fast. Guys like Dan St. Germain, we started with like comics were like so funny. And you keep pushing through. And I always tell young comics, like, what's your advice? I'm like, surround yourself with driven, funny people. Yeah.

It will change your life. That's perfect. They're motivated, but not annoying yeah right i was thinking about that today because i had to go to uh bobby's studio to do a bunch of stuff bobby kelly yeah and uh and i'm walking i'm walking down third and crossing mcdougall like in the middle of the street it's just that quiet morning village thing you know like and you know when I lived here forever it was like and I just as I and I guess I had you guys on my mind as I was like crossing and I was like this it just brought me back to when I was like so excited that I could see the cell I was so comfortable enough to like go sit at the cellar during the day and that kind of thing.

And it really is like we all had our packs and our moments. And I know you guys had like your time was the time and my time was the time. Yes, so true. And now there are these guys who I don't know who are there and they're emerging and they're going to build that same thing. It's so good. It's so great. and it's good when

you see new guys who are you know and they're just crushing and you're excited for them because you're like oh my god yeah when you know how cool this is or you see i'll see like young comics bouncing bits and i get like happy i'm like oh my god yeah yeah they're hungry who's the uh who's the kid i think he's from atlanta oh mike roland yeah very short guy really funny yeah pretty short guy yeah he's funny yeah i really liked him and and i you know i think we i think of everybody is the same age i just think everybody's like from colin to that guy we're all kind of like just yeah we're not that far off in years or whatever and i just like complimented him and he was like bugging out and i was like oh right like i forget like this would be like you know dipalo saying holy shit

you can really tell jokes i would have been like riding that for like two weeks yeah you know what i mean exactly yeah it's really impressive really can i ever ask you something could i have a another martini but just do it without the juice just do it straight up clean you know and i'm gonna drop these olives into it no problem and i'm gonna join them but with new olives absolutely sweet thank you this is nice having a bartender oh my god beer jew beer jew beer jew dude uh colin quinn uh is a guy like we talk about colin a lot on here you get a lot your name gets mentioned a lot on here. You get a lot. Your name gets mentioned a lot.

We've quoted your bits a lot, I feel like. Yeah, that's good. But, you know, so you and Greg were tight. I mean, that's like, Greg is a guy we talk about so much on here because, you know, we all know he was brilliant. I feel like he should have been a bigger comic, you know. Obviously, he passed away so young. I mean, like, I remember you in the documentary. Is that, like, is that insane to just be in a documentary like this guy should have been one of the biggest comics ever?

Yeah, it was. Yeah, he would have been the timing of it if he had if he had stayed straight. Yeah. If he handled that, he would have. I think he would have taken The daily show after john whoa wow i felt like because you know comedy central loved him comedy central loved him a uh smart as a whip yeah a latin voice columbia good crossover he never played that up and i think that in a way hurt maybe a little with the industry not with comedy help with us a little bit but i think like

it also the times where he didn't do it in a time when it was kind of it wasn't emerging like as a cultural phenomenon right you know what i mean like they weren't they didn't in a way have like that cultural place yet i just felt like the time he was going to be and the stuff he talked about it was all very political and like today it wasn't like you know evergreen it was i'm i'm going after all the shit we were dealing with right now yes i just felt like he was our he was going to be our bill maher or john stewart wow material wise poise wise and then his in his uh in his hispanic way like he was i felt like that was going to be his path that was going to be the thing that he deserved it he would have done it.

He really could have done it. Because he was as quick as a whip. He was hyper-intelligent. Oh, yeah. For the folks at home, he went to Columbia College. I think he was a valedictorian or whatever you call it. Then he went to Harvard Law. Right. And then he was top of his class in that.

And then he became a lawyer. And then he just gave it up to be a comedian. Yeah, that's when i met him i mean he really was and he went to saint regis in the high school yeah he was a uh he was a master of social commentary it's like when guys like that die you're just like selfishly as a comedy fan you're like i want to hear what you would have said about trump and biden i know i want to hear what you would have the vaccine covid all that who else patrice the same way the same thing he would have loved the same way yeah he would have that motherfucker's so funny you're telling me yeah he would have

loved it yeah can i ask you about seinfeld because i know like you know you tour with jerry a lot and uh i mean you used to yeah but how did that i know i know you do your own thing for a long time but like yeah how did that start um new york uh stand up new york i was at stand up new york after he did his show he was coming back poking around in the clubs he wasn't doing sets yet he was just checking out the scene and he was just kind of coming and hanging out and watching stuff and two nights in a row you know at new york at stand-up new york you could see through the window to the bar and two nights in a row he walked in while i was on stage wow is he shooting the documentary or no okay this is like a year

before that while you're on there yeah so i'm like you know watching through the through the thing and uh when i saw him coming the the thing. Oh, my God. When I saw him coming the next night, like the second night, I quickly abandoned what I was working on and showed him other stuff. You're looking at your notepad. What else?

Here's my closer. Yeah, play the hits. Yeah. And I came off stage, and he took me aside, and he was like, you're really funny. Wow.

You're really funny. And I was just like, ah, right? It's like Wayne Gret really funny. You're really funny. And I was just like, ah. It's like Wayne Gretzky coming up after hockey practice. How long in were you? That was like 97. Thank you, BeardJuice. 98.

Thank you, BeardJuice. When did his show end? His show ended in 99. So you were five years in? His show ended in 98. So you were five years in? In 98. Thank you. Yeah, because I had met Cynthia in 98. And then his thing, so 99

I guess is when I met him. Do you know you got the show? 98? Oh, you have it up there? Look at you. Sorry, I don't know if this is your job. I just saw a laptop. He's all over it oh 98 you're right 98 yeah so that was may 98 so i either met him like the end of 98 i think he took a year off so i'd call it 99 99 so i'm six years in six years in that's nothing

yeah it's not that's pretty new it is pretty new but It is pretty new. But he was very cool to you. He was super cool. And, you know, we kind of, like, had the same sense of humor. And, you know, it was the greatest gift to me as a comedian. Like, when people ask, like, what your break is, it was meeting him. Wow. Because he, once people said, like, once he, like, endorsed me, like, people started paying a little more attention. Once he endorsed me, people started paying a little more attention. But more than that, just being around him. When you talk about all the angry guys at the cellar, I didn't work like that.

I didn't go out and drink at the end of the night. I wanted to sit with my pad in the day and work on my jokes and go do my thing and then maybe go get something to eat with my girlfriend and go home. Drink a little bit and hang late at the cellar but i wasn't like getting high and and i was like i was longing for an example and then he came in and he's like yeah you get your pad and you go to work in the day and then you go do your set you go home and you work on it some more and that's how you do it and it was like a confirmation that my way it was that my way was a way yeah you know what i mean like kudos for you for not conforming and just being like well just become an angry guy on stage like you stuck to who you are yeah well there's no choice you know yeah but that really confirmed so i just soaked everything in that i could it was just like a just the way he carried himself off stage the way he just treated

I call him the comedy chiropractor anytime I'd feel fucked up about my set or my place in the business or whatever any kind of funky we all get one call with him and he just made you realize we are the luckiest people

in the world to be a stand up comedian and be in a world to be a stand-up comedian and be in a world of stand-up. You would hang up every phone call. I didn't even have to talk about my shit. I would just talk with him and he'd throw out bits and we'd just bullshit

and make each other laugh and I would hang up and be like, oh, everything's okay. Everything's all right, you know? He just had such a love for it and such a respect for it. And he can tell when you do and that means the world to him.

That's why I think he galoms on to people who also have that love that he has. I have to go back just because it's been in my head since we did it. That line that you said back at Bananas about whistle while you pack. Yes. Jerry and I had a disagreement about whose line that was. Uh-oh. Yeah. I had a disagreement about whose line that was.

Oh, yeah. And I could swear like it was my line, not even a stand up line. And that when we would go on the road and we'd like he'd send the car to get me and then they would pick him up and then go. And then when I did the line on a show and he was like, that's my line. Oh, I was like, I don't think so. I think it's my line. And I really truly i don't think so i think it's my line and i really truly is one of those things like no one's out to fuck each other this is just like two comics like you know who are so connected and together yeah you know eight years of almost every weekend and it's just this gray area but he's jerry seinfeld so I give him that line. Oh, no.

Yeah, I got to kind of give it to him. I didn't record it, but I do feel like, you know. That's weird. Yeah, it was one of those things. Is that not in the special views? No. Wow. Damn, I thought it was.

It's the Mandela effect. Damn. Do you ever see him and go, hey, how's that pack line doing? Yeah, well, you know, because it's been out there and people do bring it up every once in a while oh and a coupe glass thank you wow that's wild yeah it's a little bit of a this strange area if seinfeld ever said that to me like that's my line i'd get that pit my stomach like oh shit did i just i steal from you but it's hard you can just pause and say jerry you don't have enough yeah but it's hard. You can just pause and say, Jerry, you don't have enough? Yeah.

But he's such, you know, I don't know. I mean, look, just out of respect, it's like. Of course. No, he's a legend. I mean, I'm fucking around here. I give it to you, but it's such a great line, and I really thought it was mine. And so, yeah, but I can't. But I see that you're cut from the same cloth as Jerry,

and I get that. I mean, you're an old school comic the way jerry is like very inspired by robert klein i see like you you're a dude that could have been a like a tonight show guy in the 70s or 80s yeah oh yeah i i think we think we mention your jokes all the time because you have great drinking jokes to me i think of the how does one go where you're uh you talk about like drinking over the sink you know what i'm talking about yeah um how is that again? I've been drinking a lot more

since I had a family I think I've been drinking a lot more and not that fun happy hour woo woo kind of drinking it's more like standing alone at the kitchen sink kind of drinking so relatable God bless America and God bless sheath underwear Mark's wearing

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That's TheFreezePipe.com. Code DRUNK to save 10%. Freeze Pipe, keeping it cool while you're high as a kite. All right, so you said if there's any jokes that I'm working on. We welcome it. You do? You got a newbie? Yeah, it's pretty much a newbie.

And I did Colin's spot last night at the Pussycat because he wasn't around, so I ran my longer set. And I'm really hesitating from saying the hour. I think there's a disease in comedy that we're all working on the hour, doing the hour. Everyone's working on the new hour. Have you had your hour? Are you doing your hour?

I don't even say the YouTube anymore. How are we all lemmings all of a sudden? I'm working on my new comedy film. And it doesn't really fit in the act because it's new and there's no place for it yeah but um uh it's a joke about uh how there's um there's no rules anymore like we can might we can do whatever we want now that everything's collapsing there's no real rules we kind of like we need some new ways of of doing things and five billionaires have all the money now uh we have all these problems only five guys have the money let's let's kidnap some billionaires right let's why not let's go after let's go after some billionaires

yeah they're out there they've got they've got the money you can be a billionaire i'm all for it i'm all for you achieving and changing the world great you're a billionaire you get to be a billionaire for 24 hours and if you don't start giving that shit away by morning and helping some people out, we're coming to get you. And there's a guy at my kid's school who needs a leg. He needs a new leg. And not even a real leg, a fake leg. This guy needs a fake leg.

I don't know what a fake leg costs. Like a starter kit leg is like 50 grand 30 grand and they can't afford it so what's their what do all these people all their resources what can they come up with a bake sale yay let's have a bake sale let's make snickerdoodles and sell them for 50 cents a piece right yay should we charge a dollar no that would be greedy Should we charge a dollar? No, that would be greedy. At the end of the day, in the hot sun, selling snickerdoodles, they make $37.50.

If they have 700 more bake sales, Mr. Johnson's still hopping around town. I like it. I love it. It's super timely, too, because the billionaires, the Bezos, the Musks, they don't give the money to us, but they have all of it. And we're the ones who need the money. So what if an angle could be billionaires are the new Santa? You know, like, I need a new leg, dear Mr. Musk. You know, and you send him the wish list instead of Santa. Just start like in Miracle on 34th Street, where they just start dumping letters on his desk.

Yes, yes. And then on Christmas Day we can sit on his lap. I want to see Bezos in like an actual blowtorch sled. It's electric. He's just floating through the air. Penis shaped. Jumping shit. Yeah.

He could totally do that. The blue origin sled. Right, right. Exactly. I love the idea that they've like, you're already a billionaire. You've got the head start. Hire some fucking dope security or you're going down. Yeah.

It's like Hunger Games. Right. We used to evade Iraq. Now we invaded Bezos' compound. Right. We need oil. Yeah. And how are you going to stop all of us if we all come after you at once?

The front line might get it but some of us are getting over that wall yeah maybe that's why musk is boring because he's like when they come for me i'm ready to get out well this is america you can achieve your dreams to a point yeah fuck the irs knock you down like the irs watch over the U.S. We're coming at you. I mean, it's really funny. It could be. Our shit is usually way worse than we run. We usually run way looser.

We run way looser. I feel like my shit's either working or it's fucking terrible. That's my shit. Yeah. Usually. I feel like I'm a little leery of billionaires because I know, but it should be at the same time. It's like, you should run this bib, Jerry.

Late night PB. Jerry, what do you say we kidnap all the billionaires? Like, fuck you. You piece of shit. I'm almost a billionaire. Drop the bit. Not a good bit. I'm close to being a billionaire.

You ever want to work with me again? I'll kill you you you piece of shit are you in the pop-tart movie i'm not oh are you i'm not either i thought it was some kind of message yeah it is a message ah it is a message because i know a couple of comics who are in it and i'm like that guy's in it i heard some comics whistling all the way to that movie. He wrote that. Gaffigan came over for dinner because he's in L.A. And I invited him over for dinner a couple Sundays ago. Oh, you make your own bread. And he came in and he immediately wanted to diffuse the obvious elephant in the room, which is, why aren't you in the movie?

I feel like it should be, it's in the 1950s, like guys making Pop-Tarts. It should be you and Ryan Hamilton and me all running through the hallway. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, it should be. It could be. Sorry. Well, you're such an old school movie guy you're in the informant with man oh my god that's right what was that experience like amazing amazing that was the first time the

coolest fuck the coolest guy he's been at the cellar a few times yeah he's the coolest guy he's exactly like he would not disappoint in any hopefulness you have for him being like a good guy you could hang with loves comedy really him and ben used to when they first came to la they would just go to the improv they had no friends they didn't know you know they were making their way and they would come sit in the improv which you know didn't have much of a crowd at the time um excuse me and uh they would just watch comedian they were like alan havey wow we want rick over to him because havey's i think the oldest guy we can get on here who And they would just watch comedians. They watched like Alan Havy. Wow. Rick Overton. Because Havy's, I think, the oldest guy we can get on here who would still drink.

That's true. Havy's a hilarious. If you guys don't know Alan Havy, YouTube is Letterman Sets. Oh, yeah. I mean, you might know him as Lou Avery from Mad Men. Yeah, he's a good actor. He's done a ton of stuff. An excellent actor.

A really good actor. He was in the informant with me oh yeah yeah he was um billions he's done a lot of stuff yeah he's really good and do you ever see his talk show i've heard of it i've never seen it so good it was on ha which was the original it was like the original was like the comedy channel and ha and they merged became comedy central i think that's the way it went down i think so and i was just out of college and i wasn't a comic yet hadn't done a set yet and i would watch him do this like late night weird talk show he had the audience of one where it was just one person that would write in and they put

a little um velvet rope around them and they would be the audience member for the show and he would do great bits he was really smooth and funny yeah he was cool had loudon wainwright on the show wow yeah it was like he was really and then i got to meet him like that was like a quick lesson in comedy that you can get to your idols really fast yes you don't have to like get parts and really you just like walk in and they're gonna be there right in the back yeah it was pretty great you were saying something um i was talking about alan havey and the informant oh the informant yes the informant that matt is he was a huge comedy fan and uh so he's such a cool like he's always thinking jokes and just hanging around all that kind of stuff and i got that was the first film I did with them, and I auditioned. And I think I got it because I look like the guy.

It was a real story. Oh, okay. And the first scene, it was at this house. So Matt knew you were a comic. Matt knew I was a comic. And the scene was I come out of the house, i come out of the house and he's talking to me he's in trouble i'm his boss and then a car pulls up and we do the scene in the in the headlights of this car and uh we we kind of like meet for the first time and someone's making noise and matt

starts quoting matt starts quoting uh tom waits he like, what's he building in there? You know that song by Tom Waits? What's he building in there? It's just like this abstract song. So I'm like, all right, this dude's quoting Tom Waits right off the bat. All right, this is going to be cool. So then we go to run it and I come out and Matt's like complaining and I'm all freaked out and we do this thing.

And they're like, oh, you want to run it again? And the car comes up. And they go, oh, you want to run it again? and they're like um are you want to want to run it again and the car comes up and they go you want to run it again and they're like okay so we go to do it again and i'm thinking we're still in rehearsal and uh they're like all right that's good yep moving on and i'm like i thought we were just rehearsing and you don't want to act like you don't know how movies work yeah yeah so i got someone on the side. I'm like, what's up? I didn't even see Soderbergh. Like, where's Soderbergh? I had met him earlier, but where's...

There's no cameras here. What do you mean? Wow. We're moving on. Soderbergh is in the car that pulls up. What? In the back seat, holding his own camera between his legs and shooting the scene that way. Wow.

And he clocked us twice. i thought we were rehearsing we were just doing it and they and he did that on purpose and i don't think he did it to i don't i think he was thinking probably more about holy shit his camera position and stuff and he probably assumed that that i know it's they probably said a word yeah an act like that meant like this is for real you worked with him a couple of times. You did a Liberace movie. So yeah. So then I worked on, I did the Liberace movie with him and the Nick.

Damn. How was it on Mike Douglas? The coolest. Really? Oh my God. You just hear that voice. Yeah. And you're in the same room as that voice.

Wow. You're like, oh. God tried to take that voice away just because of Catherine Zeta-Jones sweet vagina how dare he how dare he yes don't you ever deprive us of that sweet michael douglas what a good husband what an icon he is he is an icon he was all he was dressed as he was dressed as as liberace and like this really flamboyant giant thing. And I played like... He had the camera between his legs. I played his tour manager. And we're not mic'd.

We're just off on the side. It's Matt's scene with whoever. And they're running it. And Michael and I are just making pretend small talk in the background of the movie. And he's like yeah how's it going yeah are we gonna go tour and yeah and Soderbergh is like two three takes and you move on like he's quick he knows what he wants and this one's going like four or five six takes of the scene

and at some point uh he turns to me goes in the Liberace voice he's like man he's really doing a lot of takes i really gotta take a dump oh wow michael douglas yeah you're like holy shit he is hollywood's like what's like the best michael douglas movie ever fatal attraction wall street basic wall street oh yeah that was hot sexy what about uh wall street's badass yeah wall street gecko my god is it a movie called the Wall Street. Basic Instinct. Wall Street. Oh yeah. That was hot. Sexy. What about- Wall Street's badass. Yeah, Wall Street.

Gecko, my god. Isn't there a movie called The Game, which is- The Game is great. Great movie. David Fincher. Yeah. What's his face? Sean Penn's in that.

Yeah, that's great. So- And he produced Cuckoo's Nest. Is that right? Yeah. He produced Cuckoo's nest and his father wanted the role wow he was roommates with uh danny devito at the time i think oh no yeah cuckoo's nest is fucking incredible oh disclosure that was a hot one he was like the hot guy for a while he was

like the guy who fucked romancing the stone yes there a great, I wonder if we could find, there's a Tonight Show with him, Danny DeVito, in Romancing the Stone. And who is the woman in it? Kathleen Turner. Yeah. And the three of them are out there hammered, smoking cigars, and just trashed. And there's a lot of innuendo of what went on on the thing. Ooh, I like that.

And the three of them are just... Kathleen Turner, man. She was something. Body Heat, remember that shit? Ooh, do I know Body Heat? Body Heat. That's a classic. So I lost my hymen.

Wait, can you tell the Steve Martin story at some point? Wait, but do you think that the billionaire thing is worth working on? Yeah, definitely. We all fucking were laughing. We can get 18 tags on that. Yeah, that's definitely good. It's a great idea.

It's a rich premise. You should hear the horse shit we're throwing out week to week. What do you got? What's the deal with cucumbers? I mean, I'm embarrassed to break out whatever shit I have in my phone right now because that was like a home bit. We're throwing out like premises usually. That was killer.

Yeah, that's a done deal. No, it has a ways to go. What do i have all right all right let's see checking the old see i got horse shit here being white like being a big breasted woman yeah mine are like throwaways i got this one about liberals uh how they love guns and movies but but they don't oh this is good yeah i ran this by norman the other day i'll bring this up i just want to make sure this wasn't like a bit, yeah, but I said, you know, liberals love guns in movies,

but you don't want to be near them in real life. I'm like, yeah, is that crazy that I can separate the art from the artist? Is that weird? It's like, you know, I look at guns the way I look at R. Kelly. From an entertainment standpoint, outstanding. Don't want them near a high school. That's my new one. I don't see what else. Mark, what do you got? I don't know. I want them near a high school. That's my new one. That's good.

Mark, what do you got? I don't know. I hope you don't have anything. Entertainment standpoint. What do you got? I hope you don't have a bit like this, because it sounds like it might be something you would have. Hey, man.

Having a one-night stand with me is like watching a trailer for the whole relationship. It might be exciting at first, but then I'll just totally give away too much and let you down in the end. I don't have anything like that, but it's so funny that I have a one-night stand that I just wrote down. But no, that's nothing like what I have. I feel like there's a lot more here. That's literally just the end of the bullet point. I wrote this down for one-night stands. Hold on. It's amazing how quickly you change your opinion of someone after a one night stand like the night

of i'm like i'll move to dallas you know the next morning i'm like if you died i would feel nothing that's what i wrote down yeah see that one has a punchline this is the premise that's a good premise though the whole scope the whole the whole thing encapsulated in one night yeah like you know people leave a see a movie trailer like i don't need to see that i got the whole thing encapsulated in one night. Yeah. You know, people leave a see a movie trailer like I don't need to see that. I got the whole thing. You know, that's what it's like. Fucking me. Like, I don't need to date this guy.

I got the whole world, the fucked up apartment, the bad jokes, you know, small dick, whatever it is. But really charming in the beginning. Yeah. Filled with lies. And then the truth comes out. It's all smoke and mirrors. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, it's funny. Maybe there's something like Michael Bay joke where you're like in the trailer it's like oh my god this is high production then you see it you're like that's it right no you only tried to get me in you didn't this is a terrible movie yeah yeah i feel i mean i relate to it a lot where i feel like i'm very charming on the first date oh yeah my date number two they're like that's it i know it's so boring got nothing more right do you ever have girls come to your, that you met doing stand-up, and then they lose the charm of the stand-up?

Oh, dude. I had that once. Like that magic trick of seeing you the first time, and then they quickly realize. I try to push off stand-up as long as I can. Yeah. I try to avoid that, because I'm like, that's like a trick that's like a Hail Mary if I need it. I don't want to open with stand-up.

Oh, I'm the opposite. I go all act. Because that's a polished version. Where you're from. Yeah. I feel like if you have a good set in front of a lady, I feel like you're like 60% better off

in a one night stand. Well, if they see you at a show, great. But I'm just saying if you meet in other circumstances and yeah come straight to a show that's fucking mental shit i see no i was with a comic in at the store i forget who it was and she had three tinder dates in the audience oh my god like they were three separate ones that she had hooked up with that's a that's a dating show by by the way. It's like a lima date, but at the store, you fight it out. Yeah.

That's kind of fun. Yeah. They were all out there. Remember a lima date? No. I do. I don't remember that. It was like trashier, blind date.

Remember blind date? A lima date was like, you remember it, Peter. Peter's just fucking smiling. It's like four chicks or four dudes, and they'd all be fighting for the affection, so one gets eliminated each round. And there's always, with the women, it's more fun, because one will be a huge whore. By round three, they're like, I'll show you what it's like. And they make out with you, and you're like, all right, this chick.

You can tell if the dude's looking for love or if he's just trying to fuck. Because he'd always be like, this one's looking for the real thing, but this one played with my balls in the last round right that's why i love that show catfish because like they haven't met yet he's like i'm in love with her it's just the love of my life oh my god i've never felt this way it's my soulmate then he sees her and she's like kind of chunky he's like i gotta get out of here uh it's good to meet you hey here's his uh a bus fare. We're in love. They're like, oh my God, you're a fat man from Syracuse? This is fucking bullshit. Oh, yeah. What about all those new ones, like the Love Islands and all that?

Oh, I can't. There's too many. Fuck boy. Nikki Glaser's hosting one. I still... Oh, yeah. People love it, though. People love it.

I can't watch a dating show anymore. Reinventing. Yeah. I should. I bet they're fun. Yeah, I'm sure they're fun. Who has time? I know.

I know. I want to watch a good show. No disrespect to those shows. I want to watch something that's not horseshit. You want to watch a good show. I still romanticize the scripted show. I still love, like, Mark was praising the bear. I'm going to watch that next.

Oh, yeah, everyone loves the bear. It's pretty fun. It's so well done. It's great. It's great. And I work in kitchens. they say that anyone that works in food service that's it yeah what do you what do you think it's legit what do you what do you like now and forever like oh man um forever shows are like the obvious of like the sopranos the wire um breaking bad yeah yeah we said these um yeah was it were there great shows before streaming i guess hbo was um hbo has been great for a while it was the shield was fun remember

the shield yeah i didn't really watch the shield it was cool oh that was a kind of a groundbreaking love walton goggins though yeah that dude fucking. It was all sitcoms when I was young. It was all, like, whatever funny, whatever, you know. Do you have a show that, like, is your comfort show on the road or something, or no? No. No. I like garbage. I like trash on the road.

Yeah. Like, anything, like, ridiculousness or... Oh. Like... Really? I would never have guessed this just throw on whatever as i'm getting ready and just like leave it because i don't you know i'm not seeking out stuff to stream i'm not when i'm on the road i'm just i'm not too long well yeah i'm not logging

in and doing all that i'm gonna just throw it on i usually throw on like you've never think that would watch ridiculousness yeah that doesn't feel those two connect but they don't and i was anti ridiculousness because i'm friends with daniel tosh oh yeah and it was like it seemed to me like the bad version of that yes yes but the girl over in the corner that's laughing is so cute she's very and it's just and it's over are you still tight with 20 minutes where is tosh yeah it's a mystery we get messages about tosh because i guess we have a crossover base because we're cruel white men. But where's Tosh? Tosh is still doing the show, and he still goes out and does spots.

He's still on? Yeah. I think it might be coming. I think it's a real testament to how hard Comedy Central sank. Yeah, man. Nobody really knows what's going on. The big part with it is, yeah, it sank as a word. Titanic sank.

Yeah, it sank. There we go. Sanka. Do you think it's needed, or do you think that it's, do you think it's lacking, or do you think it's not needed, that, like, Comedy Central was a spot where, like, young comics could get, like, their first TV spot thing, and now it kind of doesn't exist.

I think it's both. I think it's not needed and it's lacking. Yeah, but I was grateful for it at the time, but yeah, we were taken advantage of. We were paid too little for, I think, the material we gave up, and I think they did their best to do nothing. I mean, what did we do in 2014, 15 or whatever? Yeah.

Man, that was a tough time to be on cable, and it's only gotten worse. Yeah. Do you think there could be a young comedians show now, or do you think it's too blown apart? Well, they've got Charlemagne, who's a huge guy on Comedy Central now. They've got The Daily Show. They've got big names. South Park and Tosh?

South Park, yeah. I mean, they're all all huge but who's watching comedy central i don't know you watch a clip online later probably right i mean i'm sure the daily show does well on social and shit like that right but i i can't imagine are people watching the only time i watch cable is for sports yeah yeah that's about it though that's what i like about being in a hotel on the road is you just flip through and stop random what's your garbage yeah just in whatever whatever like person dropped in the woods naked or whatever guys i don't know all that yeah that's great

stuff i'm not i'm not looking that up at home no no it's like the radio yeah oh i love it boogie boogie whatever the fuck you're like help me ronda i love this song but you're not gonna go by help me ronda or put that on at home no exactly the hotel it is it is funny that we've combined our like job into like some sort of weird vacation you got that right it is weird i think it helps a marriage i mean you're married don't you feel like the road keeps it- Gives you a reset? A little bit. Oh, 100%.

It's like a built-in thing. You're excited to see her, right? Yeah. Yeah. If we were there all the time just eating dinners with other couples, I don't know if it would last. A lot of people are just trying to fill the time. That's a great show.

Detroiters, have you seen that? A lot of these non-comedy people, they're just like, oh, all they talk about is this show is out. Are you watching this stream? I know. Have you tried this restaurant? Have you gone to this bar? That's it. That's their whole life. I know. It's horrible.

That's a good show. I've never seen Detroiters. Oh my god. They're so funny. Those guys are both great. He just got nominated for an Emmy. Sam Richardson and Tim Robinson are so funny. So they've still got stuff. So why not put a... Because this app that they are like, you got to do the app.

No one gives a fuck about your app, comedies. Yeah, all right, here we go. And you're done. They've always been writing four lines of instructions of how to get on the app. Yeah, you're already out. This is how you attract young people with no attention span. Have them fill out a bunch of forms.

Yeah, follow instructions. Quick, easy steps. Oh, this isn't easy. You can get that or the premium. Suck my premium fucking credit card number right here, dude. Blow me. Oh, forget it. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Are you going to do this? This is going to take a month. Don't do it, dude. oh my god are you gonna do this it's gonna take a month don't do it don't do it don't give them what they want they've taken enough from us what's your mother's maiden name exactly it just makes me want to read were you ever sexually assaulted what are you talking about broad city they've always hit shows and then you're like what they're behind a wall it's like like Fort Knox. What are you doing? Do you think that young comics are getting shorted because there's not like a thing that we can do? It's bittersweet.

You just post a shit on social media. You can make your own destiny. It's a lot of extra work. I mean, especially if you want to stand out now, the production value on YouTube has got to be decent because you're competing. I've always said that. Now the production value on YouTube has got to be decent because you're competing. Like I've always said that. Like I remember with Comedy Central, I did an hour special with them and they were like,

we'll put it out for free on our website. I was like, oh my God, this is going to be huge for me. I just knew this would be huge. And then they put a commercial every two and a half minutes. And I was like, okay, I'm competing against the best comics in the world here. And there's no commercials on these other apps, HBO, Netflix. No one's watch my own shit right you know yeah but so uh that that was tough i i think they've made it really hard on themselves on these on this ad base subscription model whereas the the just a subscription model like hbo or netflix or amazon it's it's just obviously easier and now maybe netflix is gonna have ads yeah they're gonna have ads now what yeah i think you're

probably like hulu like you pay higher to not have ads when will that start they're gonna do it they're they're exploring it now oh this guy's got a special coming out soon oh yeah finally i finally get in just as a fucking ship is sinking thanks netflix did you record it yet it's done yeah it's done fucking that's good my career it's done uh no the special is uh yeah the special is pretty much ready to go nice name uh it's called same time tomorrow it's on netflix september 1st nice uh yeah you know that's great very exciting I'm pretty happy with it hopefully it's not horseshit

I don't know it's tough I was just talking to Cristela Alonso she has a special on Netflix it just came out how does she feel

relieved that's what he said like you're never happy you're just relieved yeah it's like oh it's out people aren't killing it people seem to like it

she's cool yeah she is cool she did great we should yeah she's great she's i don't i just don't know yeah i i never feel that good honestly no it's nerve-wracking and it's just like part of it's uh probably deeper than comedy but you're like when do you feel good yeah you're working on it you feel bad because the material's not not there then you're honing it you're starting to feel okay because you're killing yeah then you tape

it you're sick of the material so you're fucking miserable yeah then you're back to square one and you're like i hate myself i'll tell you when you feel good when you get that you get that billionaire bit working that's a good feeling when you get the new one working that's great and then killing is fun but yeah you're right i never feel that good though feeling when you get the new one working that's great and then killing is fun but yeah you're right i never feel that good though because when you're killing you're like well these should be killing i worked on them really hard you gotta you gotta you gotta get therapy on this yeah you have to but you have going tomorrow you need some gratitude bring this up gratitude power force go in yeah gratitude is key that's the thing that kills

envy and resentment and all that I'm not envious or resentful I just don't like myself I guess we're drinking at noon yeah you gotta let it in it's short lived though even if you obtain it

the need for content is her quality in a way where I'm just kind of like, wow, I really have got to keep churning it out. And I feel fucking burnt out. And then you're working. It's like it's hilarious. We're like working on this. You know, stand ups on art form. I'm working it out in West Palm Beach.

This ain't a fucking art. OK, these people are shit face. I know. Yeah. But, you know, I don't know. It's the expectation of it that kills it because it's, look, the whole job, the whole career is, as I see it, is just to create stuff. You have to make stuff. Yes, for sure.

It's why you're doing this. It's why you're doing your act. It's your funny little character, and it's your job to make funny shit title right funny little fella yeah and i had that with the pandemic where you realize like oh my god it's it's all gone now i didn't realize i mean i always knew i loved it but you're like i need this yeah i need comedy i need stand-up and we you're on a roof. You need it. If it went away, you'd kill yourself. So would I.

Look, I was miserable, but I was so grateful. We talk about gratitude. I was on those roofs, and I was like, this is special. Just surviving. Sounds like you were happy. I was happy. I am happy. I was fucking around. But you do get on those roofs and

you're like wow we lost so much and now yeah we really can't create our own destiny in a way i mean you really if you make your own shit i mean yeah these streamers only have so much power over us anymore now we really can't say oh you don't want it that's cool yeah youtube exists yeah we've built up enough people who listen to this thank god and who uh and who i guess like our comedy who will watch but yeah so netflix is great and i'm and i'm grateful for the opportunity but like thank god for youtube thank god for other options because tick tock dude i mean Dude, I mean, TikTok's amazing. Are you talking about his lifespan? Oh, okay. This conversation. I got another 30 seconds. Yeah.

So, you know, thank God for all that shit. Yeah. TikTok, YouTube. Instagram. Instagram. All that. I make a lot of money on Facebook. Just putting out videos on Facebook.

Go watch them. I will say Instagram, though, and Facebook, it's just poison. The shit that they pull down,'re like oh that's a whole another women are literally showing their butt crack and you're and you're saying that my shit is harmful to the community oh really yeah i'm like i got shadow banned on instagram because i posted a fuck i do q a sometimes what's shadow ban where it's like they they bury you so you don't get seen by as many people what What? It's like being punished. Really? I have to go sit there. And do they tell you that's what they did?

Yeah. Your numbers just go down. You feel it. You can put your name in the search and it won't come up. But they posted that my content is harmful because I do like Q&A sometimes where I just say therapist Sam, which is hashtag the rapist Sam. But I do like, tell me your problems and I'll tell you why it's going to be okay. It's like my little like, tell me your problems and I'll tell you why it's going to be okay. It's like my little

like uplifting thing, but someone said, it was a dumb, not even a good joke, but someone wrote like, some guy hit me with a golf cart and I said,

run him over with a real car and they wrote, this is inciting violence. I was like, you know it's not. Oh God. I'm getting punished

by a fucking robot and an algorithm. The future is bleak. Yeah, God. Thank God future is bleak. Yeah. God. Thank God YouTube is not this crazy yet. I know. Yeah.

But it's going that way. It's going that way. Yeah. Oh, shit. What happens when those things all turn into that? Because clean comedy, you can think you're a clean comic and then all of a sudden. Right. No.

Well, clean is cheap. No. Even if you say something and it's misinterpreted. Exactly. I had this opportunity for this TV thing, and someone took a joke of mine, total misunderstanding of it, and the opportunity went away. And it was just because someone who I never met or knew

or got to explain anything. Can you go into detail what network? Sefeld was like that was my bit whistling's mine you're finished it was his bit uh it was um it was a tv thing i don't want to say exactly the networks or any of that stuff um and uh they took a bit you said or like a joke or it was a joke in one of my specials wow it was an old joke in one of my old specials um well if you're going down we're all fucked you're you're a clean comic and you have bite i mean you're not at all like a vanilla clean comic but you have bite like any like 30 rock has bite but you're a clean comic the joke was um it was the beginning of one of my specials and i and and i was i'll i'll i'll tell

you what the joke was but then also um it was asian joke and then when trump came out and said his shit i was like i don't want to leave this open for misinterpretation so let's edit this out for now and somebody um saw it but wasn't like a hate i was afraid of like hateful people being like you know if the joke is uh i don't like chinese people uh not some of them all of them and it's because it's based on fear and uh fear comes from ignorance and i'm ignorant of that culture and that's why they scare me and then i go into this stupid joke about uh chinatown of like eating uh like frogs or something yeah um so when i wrote it i was like i want this to be a joke about being ignorant of people's cultures you know yeah and and get to the frog joke And saying I don't like Chinese people was the way to be like, what?

What are you saying? And the crowd laughs because they know it's me. You know, I don't hate anybody. Clearly it's a joke. Yeah. So I'm like, I don't like Chinese people. Not some of them, all of them. And that is based on fear.

And fear comes from ignorance. And I am ignorant of that culture. You're explaining all of that. Wow. It's all right there in the thing. And also. Wow. And that joke. fear comes from ignorance and i am ignorant of that culture you're explaining all of that wow it's all right there in the thing and also and that joke and that you wrote people in by like you build an audience you show that you're not ignorant yeah and then you explain your ignorance right and there's still a problem and there's still a problem and you're trying to say you're trying to say this is where people's problems with other cultures comes from it comes from fear which comes from ignorance and this is an example of it in a light-hearted way and um and that joke

probably cost me 600 a year damn that's horrible because the one person in one person the incorrect way and we have to cater to that one weirdo no idea who they are no idea what one person interpreted it the incorrect way. And we have to cater to that one weirdo. No idea who they are. No idea what they are. One person in an Apple store looking office with slaves was like, I find this joke to be lacking in taste. Yeah. And then a kid jumped out the window. Then he shot a Chinese person for no reason. So then they go through.

So as they were parsing it out. And I had shot all the episodes, by the way i shot oh it was already done it was done and uh and then and so then so they come to me and they say what's with this this joke and i said uh it's about the being ignorant of people's cultures and then i said um wow and just so know, a year before I met any of you people, I was afraid when Trump was being such a cunt about China and the virus. I took that. I talked to my editors and despite them seeing no problem with the joke, I said, let's edit it out just in case it's misinterpreted by some horrible people out there. Right. So when they come to me and they're like,

and I'm like, doesn't exist anymore. Like, I don't know even how you found it. Um, and, uh, and we pulled it.

So then in the interim, as they're deciding what to do, wait, do you pull this clip and they still somehow found it and then tried to get you in trouble? Yeah. That's insanity. So, I mean, you can't scrub everything from the internet. So they probably found it and then tried to get you in trouble yeah that's insanity yeah so i mean you can't scrub everything from the internet so they probably found it in some

you know some people repost your specials they looked they searched to ruin you they did so then to bolster their case they decided to go through all of my shit for 25 years 25 years i hope whoever this person was gets fucking colon cancer. Untreatable. I hope it stays in his asshole for a long time. Including all of my rogues. Three hours of pop.

I don't know how many times. Ten times. I don't know. All of my stand up specials. All of my TV appearances. All of my radio appearances. Couldn't find one thing. Wow. That radio appearances, couldn't find one thing. Wow, that's impressive. Couldn't find one thing. So you have, like if you couldn't find one thing and the joke was horrible, child molesting joke, you'd be like, well, it still outweighs it.

But you have a joke that you're on the fence. And we pointed out this is about people being ignorant of people's cultures. And then they go through all of that and they can't find one thing that this guy is doing shouldn't that be enough that should bolster the case that should do the thing and they dragged on dragged on for like six months wow and it honestly it's you know it wasn't my proudest work it was you know it was it was money it was a money gig um so it's not like the money gigs to other shit but and they yeah they fucked you in a sense to yeah they did pull it over that yeah completely and you're such a you're such a decent guy i mean like i've known

you for so many years and you've never been anything but just solid and if this can happen to you imagine like a guy with a ton of podcasts where he says uh horrific shit you know i'm trying to say mark and i will never work in this town mark and i are finished oh yeah no but that's one of the quiet kind of things where this is the first time i'm telling the story because it just is pretty much put to bed um yeah uh but that's kind of like the quad like we're aware of like the big time cancellations of like you know people being torn out for something that they tweet or something after they've had success or whatever this is under the rug how much of this is happening oh yeah all these young smaller levels protect their neck fear-based horse shit where they it is where they they know that this is bullshit but they have to it's not a dumb organization right it's they go it's not worth

the mess if this could be any bit of a mess it's not worth it for this show and there were several parties involved and then they went to like the the big production company that like over the whole thing and that president was like what are you showing this to me for do you realize how many how many people are coming for people yeah every day so much worse this isn't a thing why are you giving me this oh good this isn't a thing but ultimately that wasn't enough what does your agent say in a scenario like this? Holy fuck. What is going on? What is happening to the world? Yeah.

If you, that's why I keep hearing, if they're coming after you. Right. Did you consider litigious? I don't think I thought about it in my fantasy. But I don't know on what basis. Well, you just, you know,

put a lot of work into this. It was in the can, right? I got paid for that. Okay. Okay. Well, that's,

I got paid for that, but, uh, yeah, that's, you know, you just, you can't sue because your show didn't get picked up.

You're dealing with people who are just cowards. You're dealing with people who, corporations. Right. They're protecting themselves to the point where like look we don't like racism we don't like assholes you're so not that i mean you're you're so clearly not that like yeah the fact that you can't separate that shows that you're just out of your fucking mind so the problem is not racism, but the fact that you can't identify what racism is. Right.

Well, there were a couple people on the staff who came out and defended it who were Chinese Americans who were like, it's this kind of false attacks on people that dilutes the real problems and the real Asian hate out there. So true. It really dilutes all of it. So now you're going to have this story as part of the narrative. Doug's stand-up was a bit where he says, I hate Jews and I'm a Jew, and I've never for a second thought that Doug's an anti-Semite. Of course not.

I mean, it's like... My point is, there's comedy and then there's real beliefs. I mean, like there's real bigotry in the world. And instead of combating that, you're like, we'll do what we think is helping. It's not. You're hurting. They're not even thinking about a cause. They're not.

They're not thinking about defending. They're not even thinking about a cause. They're not. They're not thinking about defending. I thought more by editing my joke and putting it in a special place to keep it off. They're not thinking about that at all. No. They're thinking, is this person, and I imagine it has to be, is this young person down the hall who works for us going to cause so much shit? Yes, exactly. this young person down the hall who works for us gonna cause so much yes exactly and if this thing

goes on there are they gonna start up shit and be a headache and we're gonna have to are we gonna get dragged in because of what this person this ignorant person who doesn't have the maturity or the intelligence to parse what this really is yeah but are they is it worth the firestorm that they're going to kick up? Yeah. And the sad part is this ridiculousness won't go away until companies stop catering to that one person. That's right. But they still do because it's scary. Yeah.

And they don't want to lose one fucking year. They do. I mean, that's kind of the beauty of Netflix is like it's the one place where they're like you guys have to act like grown-ups this is this is ideas this is whatever and if you don't like it you do with the like all the normal way of operating i thought about that a lot in my new special i have like some pedophilia jokes i'm like if i throw this on fucking instagram they're gonna pull it down on netflix but netflix right that's all it's a huge thing that's huge it's a huge thing that's chappelle thing whether you like him or hate him, was big for stand-up comedy.

It was. Keeping that special on there. Yeah. And by the way, I saw the numbers for all the specials. You know, it's like Maniscalco, Bill Burr, Seinfeld, Closer. It was like- Really? Like Drupal, the rest of them.

Wow. Because obviously the controversy sparked viewership, but still, it's like like just because you don't like it or disagree with it doesn't mean it shouldn't exist. Well, it's like the Howard Stern thing. Remember back in the day when it was like, how long does the Howard Stern lover listen? Two hours. How long does the Howard Stern hater listen?

Three hours. Or whatever it was. Why? They want to know what he's going to say next. Same shit for everybody. Yeah. Exactly. Martini's dope, by the way. Very good. I'm feeling it, bro say next. Same shit for everybody. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. The martini's dope, by the way.

Very good. I'm feeling it, bro. We've been drinking all day. Yeah. That's the idea, right? Good job. With the martini? You know what they say about martinis? What?

Right? What is it? It's like tits on a cow or tits on a whatever. One is not enough. Two is perfect. Three is too many. Something like that. That's not bad.

I think Seinfeld wrote that. You know, I opened up to you. We bonded over because I had a faux pas with Seinfeld, as I've told a million times. But you got to tell your Steve Martin one. What's your Steve Martin story? Which one? The gag you tried to pull. Oh, the beacon?

By the way, his new show is killer. Man, I just saw the first two, and I love it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Martin Short, they're all so good. Selena Gomez is amazing. Yeah, Short is a hero. He's just still on he's still like so just that subtlety yeah subtle what happened with steve martin i was uh opening for jerry at the beacon and uh i hadn't been opening for him for a long time and we were gonna go and i was

gonna open for him at the beacon and then go to to this next city right after that. And I got there early and I'm psyched to see Jerry and stuff. And, you know, he's my friend from the road and I'm in the green room and Jerry's not there yet. And I hear the elevator, you know, the Be thing. You sold out the beacon recently, right? And you hear that elevator coming up like that horrible green room, dressing room section. So I'm sitting up in Jerry's room and I do a gag of laying down like I'm asleep, like he's late. So I'm laying down on the couch and then the door opens and I hear him talking. I think he's with his manager and they come in and jerry's like oh and i open my eyes and it's jerry seinfeld steve martin and tom hanks

oh man and i'm doing a C level bit what did they say hey how are you I'm like hey it was pretty awkward but then we just kind of like hung out in the green room and I got bumped because Steve was going to go out and do the first stand up he had done

wow in 30 years or something without the banjo. He was going to go, and he took my spot to go open for Jerry. Did you put up a fight? And you know what? I think maybe Ben Stiller was there. Jesus.

I didn't put up a fight, but I sat next to Steve while he was pretty nervous and has lists out and was going over the jokes, and he starts reading me some of the jokes. You think this is funny and he's like reading me the jokes and he's you know he's not really selling them he's like it's like whistling when you go away from your family on the road and i'm just like you know you have to say yes everything's funny of course it's coming out of steve martin yeah he's a legend. Yeah, my God. And.

Just being around that upper echelon of, that's like superstar. You're not just star. That's, you know, Tom Hanks. Was he cool, Steve Martin? They were all gentlemen. They were all really funny. And they were nice. But chill. You know, everybody was just kind of.

How about Hanks? He's the best. Yeah. Yeah, he's the best. He's like, yeah, he's going to make you he's the best he's like yeah he's gonna make you feel great and he's got like real empathy like he's gonna you know steve was kind of in his own thing and like doing and and hanks is like you're doing okay over there you're doing all right you're having a good time you're doing all right you're having a great time yeah this is great and tell

he's such a fucking icon yeah it's weird like what's time for us to comedy hanks almost is to film yeah yeah where he's just like so american classic like yeah norman and i were talking because mark and i want to make a movie and we were talking about like classic 80s like that like bachelor party dude that those don't exist anymore that kind of we want to parody one of those like yeah almost like that but that'd be a great idea like a self-aware raunchy yeah exactly yeah what buttons not to push it's like they were cranking out fortune i talk about it all the time like what happened to like 10 comedies a year exactly you know and you can't tell me they don't still 70 of them sucked you know but they

were still like some laughs you had john candy show up yes it was just like you cranked out comedy but i think everyone's a little frightened about making comedy of course yeah fuck that shit i know i i do it would crush people are frightened guess what that means that that there's a hunger because your fear fear what you're talking about with the corporation you're working for fear in film there's a hunger with an audience and that's why the these podcasts have exploded that's why we need a new comedy i mean i think of todd phillips movies like yeah hangover old school there's a reason they blew the fuck up i know there's an appetite for that 100 and obviously like todd is a fucking beast i'm not saying it's not just like anyone can make them but there is an appetite for the yeah judd is another one yeah where's the guy like making

hangover for half the money yes you know just young people and cranking them out exactly so you don't have to go to fucking china we can go to fucking uh jersey we'll go to lithuania we don't even need a plane we'll just shoot it At Newark airport It's the hangover But in Slovenia There you go Yeah What stays in Czechoslovakia Do you have a peeve?

A pet peeve or anything? Yeah You wanna get out? I think we gotta wrap This thing up here Yeah About seven Do you guys have spots tonight?

We do I got a couple Yeah Seller Let's go I i got a couple yeah yeah seller let's go i've got a nice sweet buzz on for these sets sorry liz sorry liz sorry comedy seller you're gonna let it ride are you gonna cap it i'm gonna let it ride yeah me too what do you mean let it ride keep going oh keep going you know keep a through line Drink when you get there. Yeah. I'll have like a light drink to ease me out. To kind of ease it out.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't like drinking and performing. I don't like it either, but here we are. This is my first choice. I linked up with this fucking alcoholic, and I got myself in a pickle. Oh, yeah. Start repeating jokes.

The worst. So you guys ever whistle while you... in a pickle oh yeah start repeating jokes the worst of all the worst whistle white that was the ninth whistle call back we'll call this episode whistle while you work yeah i stole the joke what what peeve do you have tom um i don't like and i'm sorry to make it travel oriented but um where i live we live for these um i just got a million miles on american airlines and uh american i got like like one email and like 10 000 miles i saw a guy on tiktok and he hit a million miles they like met him with champagne coming off the plane they drove him to the next gate i was

like i got nothing what i really thought like balloons were gonna or maybe the captain would chime in hey tom's with us yeah nothing i wonder if he's a tiktok guy or something so they maybe like a travel guy maybe he was building it up yeah yeah you're probably right but i don't like when i'm sitting in the aisle and people come up and they want to sit in the window seat or anywhere. I don't like that people don't use excuse me anymore. They just stand over you with their mouth agape and just wait for you to notice. And it's really obvious on the airplane because there's a string of people behind. And sometimes I'll just quietly wait to see how they're going to handle it. to notice and it's really obvious on the airplane because there's a string of people behind and

sometimes i'll just quietly wait to see how they're going to handle it yeah how are you going to how are you going to get around just say excuse me right just say excuse me i'm in i'm in sure welcome sometimes i'll give a little like jet like uh uh yeah you know you're like say excuse me i want to hear it yeah what is this 2001 space odyssey yeah be a fucking human you primate come on yeah be a human being oh man i'm on flight with uh gary veder last uh week and like we just fuck with each other the entire flight so whoever's next to us i genuinely feel bad for them our characters are basically like guy who gets whacked on the sopranos so we go shut the fuck up you big mouth fuck and then fake shoot the other person people like who are these but

i'm coming back from the bathroom and i i get through the seat veter's in the middle i just start humping him and the lady's laughing so i'm like all right we're doing something right she's in the window she's in the aisle Oh you're in the window I'm in the window So I'm humping here And he's like Fuck you you fucking prick But Vito and I

Now do these characters That we just call Like let's just pretend To be the worst people On the planet But then my Vito Will be too loud with it Wait you guys are terrorists

Yeah Well this woman Cuts in front of him She's in the row behind And he goes This bitch is cutting me She can hear you Still from Long Island

He goes this bitch is cutting me She heard you and he goes That whore can't hear shit Oh no Oh no You're taking this character too far Guy who's the worst person. He needs some Rodney outfits.

Yeah, right? Dude, I'll tell you, when you're on the road with your friend, it's making it horrible. Get her a seatbelt extender. Get a load of her. It makes the trip fly by with the guy who's just making dumb shit jokes. It's hilarious. Gary Beater, my brother. It makes my pet peeves seem very small.

It's funny. Well, it was really good hanging with you guys. This is a great app. You're the best, Tom. You guys are the best. I mean, Tom's got so many albums online. Yes. Netflix specials.

Shout out to Matt so much. So it's nice to have him here. One of our favorite comics got a netflix radio show on series with fortune feimster uh i mean on the road anything coming up the next few months you want to plug um i've got a big show coming up in seattle i'm doing two at the uh at the theater up there i've got the wilbur theater in boston nice beautiful i'm doing a bunch of clubs through the summer of getting ready for my netflix special and uh yeah just tom papa.com i'm everywhere one of the best comics go to tom papa.com you guys are the best we love you we really do and uh

we'll be all over the country too what do i have when do we when does this come out okay i got a san jose los angeles pittsburgh dania beach louisville irvine omaha phoenix lexington new brunswick oklahoma city springfield missouri fort wayne indiana happy thanksgiving to me fuck you my agent k Kansas, Tacoma, Spokane, all over the place. SamRoth.com slash shows. I love it. Hey, Mark is coming to Providence Comedy Connection. Improv in West Palm. Big room.

The Aura in Portland, Maine. Richmond Funny Bone. The Amphitheater in Brandon, Mississippi with Bert. San Jose Improv. Red Rocks Amphitheater. The Dartmouth. Danforth, sorry. Canada.

Royal Oak, Michigan. And you know it. Roxanne Theater, that's in Pittsburgh. Pantages in Minneapolis. The Revolution Hall in Portland. Neptune Theater in Seattle. Vogue in Vancouver. Joy in New Orleans.

All kinds of stuff. Fillmore, the Wilbur. Zaney's in Nashville say hello come on by have a drink we might be drunk we're in all the same places uh oh

we might be drunk pod.com for all the sweet merch you got the cool glasses the shirts everything the patrons kicking it I mean

it's a real show Tom's got books out on Amazon as well check out his books I mean truly a great comic. Yes. One of the best.

You guys are the best. We love them. We're pumped to have you, and we love you guys at home. Thanks for listening. Thank you. Bye. Sunday's the day for my next offender. A bit of Pivorec, you know the future's close.

I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope and I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true.